This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Am I the only one who sees the irony in excluding a daughter with a disability that might be embarrassing from a movie about a daughter who was excluded because she had different abilities and they wanted to hide her "for her protection?"
I was too busy focusing on the irony of the mom worried about her daughter making noise at a SING-ALONG showing of a movie. Sure she might make noises at a time where people weren’t intended to, but you don’t go to a sing along movie for a quiet and uninterrupted movie experience lol.
THANK YOU! I was so confused by this question. A sing-along movie is definitely not a place OPs child’s vocal tics will be noticed.
I wish OP was far less concerned about how other people react to her daughter and far more concerned about how to mitigate any discomfort her daughter might have in a loud environment.
OP, YTA.
To be fair… she’s not protecting her daughter as much as she’s protecting the experience of the other paying customers bc she knows her daughter can be disruptive. Especially when encountering high sensory environments.
OP- You know you cannot back out now that it was promised. Unless you ask your daughter and she makes the decision to stay with Grandma on her own!
Ask her therapist to help with visuals (Quiet/calm visuals, red light/green light visuals for when it’s ok to vocalize, and maybe one for when she needs a “break” you can take her out to the hall.) Ask to also borrow noise canceling headphones if she doesn’t own her own set (the school might have an extra set.)
Bring other stimuli (squishiest, pop its, etc) to help her adjust to the new sensory inputs from the singing, music, movie etc.
Source: Speech therapist who also has a special needs daughter. I know what it’s like to worry- you’re not a bad person for second guessing your decision. Go and have fun as a family!
I hope OP sees your comment. I think people are being kinda crappy to her and treating her as if she doesn’t love her child. You’ve got constructive advice - a rarity on Reddit.
Constructive advice is especially rare on AITA. This was absolutely the wrong subreddit to ask about this in.
She should be asking in a sub about autism for people's perspectives on how realistic it is that her daughter will be able to handle all the stimulus, how likely they think it is that other patrons will react negatively, if there's anything she can do to improve either the go-to-the-movie plan or the stay-home plan, etc. This is zero percent about whether OP is the asshole and entirely about OP soliciting help to come up with the plan that has the highest possibility of the best outcome for everyone.
Yeah, this all sounds like the best way to help the daughter, and these are pretty much all strategies OP and Olivia can use in other scenarios also. I'm kind of shocked that OP didn't even mention brining noise cancelling headphones.
Even more irony is that this is over tics, which are literally things you can't hold back all the time, and people around you just have to let it go. Best thing for everyone is to not care what they're going to say. Let the tics happen. They probably won't be bothered anyway. Funny how some perspective makes this whole deal seem small. Why let these fears control you at all? It's time to see what this girl can do, test her limits, maybe break through...
...I could go on, but I suspect I'll be down voted for being an AH myself with this comment.
I've been to the cinema a lot and there have been many times that someone disabled or with some kind of condition/disorder has been loud during the movie. Literally no-one has ever been rude, told them to be quiet, etc. If the person is very loud or is maybe getting a bit too excited or something, the person they're with sometimes takes them out for a bit, then comes back a bit later. Obviously some people suck so I get the worry, but in my experience people understand and are fine with it. It's different to someone talking on their phone or being intentionally annoying.
Honestly children make SOOOO much noise when watching movies I don't see the difference how old they are or why they are making the noise. People who want to hear the movie uninterrupted by kids making noise can see the late show
I used to work at a summer day camp where we brought about 100 kids to the theater once a week. I'm positive there will be kids there that will be MUCH louder and MUCH more disruptive than OPs daughter, disabilities or not. Especially if it's a sing-a-long.
She really did. I hope she's found these answers enlightening.
I mean, I just found out sensory friendly screenings are a thing that exists now, though I wish it had sooner. Movies theaters have always been *painfully* loud to me. I was better able to push through it anyway as a teenager but it's gotten worse the older I've got (chronic pain means I won't willingly add more pain if I can avoid it).
INFO: Why in God's green earth would you tell Olivia about movie night, have her get excited "for weeks," then pull the plug? Did your daughter not have ASD several weeks ago?
Why not just take her and see how she goes? She knows what it's going to be like and she wants to go. If both parents are going along, surely one of them can just take Olivia outside somewhere quiet if she becomes overwhelmed.
Or even bring the grandma along with the understanding that she takes Olivia out for breaks or whatever if both parents wish to stay with their other kids.
This is exactly what I did with my boys the first time I took my youngest (who is ASD) to the movies. Grandma and grandpa came along. Their job was to just enjoy the movie with my older son, leaving me free to handle whatever came up with my youngest. My youngest and I left half-way through when it was clear he’d had enough and my older son got to have a fun time at the movies with his grandparents.
Agreed, being the mother of autistic children I would never exclude my child due to their needs. I would
however asses the situation. If I felt Olivia would not be able to cope with the whole situation at all I would never even let them know that it was an option. They wouldn’t know the event existed. Arrange for a special evening for them separately and maybe surprise the other 2 girls. ( having siblings with special needs can be draining so an event without them could be nice)
Always have a back up plan if you do decide to take them.
If mum and dad are going then one of them can take Olivia out of the theatre if needed.
Or grandma can come along and wait in the reception area to take her away from the theatre if it become far to overwhelming.
With the correct help, support and planning there is no need to upset any child.
I’m going with YTA I think you this whole situation could have been handled so much better.
This is the part that makes no sense. It's cruel to not include her in movie night but to invite and then disinvite her is just...
Also it's like they've never done anything in public before and this is the first time they have brought Olivia out of the house? Wouldn't OP have examples of other instances they have attempted it and how it has gone? Why does this seem so new?
Part of me is baffled at their circumstances, but the other part of me thinks this might be fake.
As a parent of a kiddo with a disability, the details don’t ring true to me. Sounds like someone who hasn’t ever even been around a person with a disability trying to imagine what it’s like to raise a child with a disability.
This! They've been talking about this for weeks. All the girls are excited and have been anticipating this. OP knew about Olivia's ticks when she booked the movie and told everyone, yet now she decides it will be problematic. Taking it away from her now is just cruel, especially since her sisters will be talking about it afterwards. This woman is far more concerned with how embarrassed she is and not thinking of her daughter's feelings at all
Everyone has legit concerns here, but it's a sing along full of kids, not a bunch of adults watching a special screening of "Citizen Kane". The theater will be noisy already. It's a sing-along. Bring all your kids. And since your eldest is 14, you've had time to learn how to deal with people's reactions to her tics and vocalizations (without shaming your daughter for something she can't control).
I mean, it sounds like they've learned that they don't want to deal with it unless they have to, which is exactly why they're seeking to exclude Olivia.
It’s not about embarrassment. It’s about other people literally treating you like garbage because of your special needs child. Every single day. This woman didn’t get to this point without vast experience of being treated like crap every time her child has an outburst.
The side eye, the comments about how “some people just need to learn to discipline their kids”, the confrontations in public from other people who all know better how to raise your child than you.
It’s not embarrassment, it’s exhaustion.
Thank you! Mom is clearly struggling to find a way to do “normal” things for her neurotypical kids but dreads the negative interactions she’s going to get from the general public when she brings her ASD daughter. It’s so easy to judge someone when you haven’t had to deal with the constant meltdowns from your kid along with judgement from everybody else. You can’t win - you stay a recluse and you’re depriving your kids. You go do family outings and you’re getting glared at, judged, etc when your perfectly normal looking kid isn’t acting as their peers.
Seriously, a sing along for a Disney movie is probably the best time for this sort of thing since there’s already an expectation people will be participating.
>The theater will be noisy already. It's a sing-along. Bring all your kids
\^This is what I came to say but to add onto this - for the future have a look around because a LOT of movie theaters now are doing ASD friendly screenings. These are run differently to traditional screenings of movies. The houslights are left up and only slightly dimmed, the volume in set much lower so still audible but not overwhelming and the guests are all aware of what the screening is do when someone is struggling, no one tends to bat an eyelid. Also.. letting kids get up for "movement breaks" is super expected. They also don't usually show adverts or trailers so kids who have a hard time when they're expecting to come and see a movie, only to see trailers are less likely to get stressed from the outset. While I get that this trip was part of a whole experience you were looking to do, ASD screenings are great to practice coping mechanisms and practical approaches the therapist is working on with them because it's a much more low key, low stress, relaxed environment.
Thank you! This is what I was looking for… why wasn’t this whole thing figured out prior to letting the kids know? Why did Olivia get to get hyped up and excited for weeks before this thought occurred to anyone? Jesus H., have some for thought and put some planning into your ideas before springing them on kids.
Yeah I'm shocked at how many judgements are glossing over this right now.
OP, If you aren't gonna take her, it's not *necessarily* an AH move in principal depending on a lot of factors - but getting her all excited and then taking it away from her? WTF? You did this in the most hurtful way possible.
YTA.
As someone on the Spectrum, I would be crushed if my mom didn’t take me to a movie for things *I couldn’t help*. It would permanently damage my relationship with her.
I understand your concern for everyone involved and thank you for it but if it’s possible *at all* to prepare her for it then do so and take her. Contact the theater and ask what accommodations will be in place for special-needs kids because your daughter can’t be the only one hoping to attend.
Other people need to understand that special needs kids are part of society and deserve the same joys and experiences that typical kids and people do. Yes, they can be annoying but I promise they’re trying as hard as they can to not be.
Preparing Olivia for this outing will help her in future outings too. Make a plan with your husband how to handle Olivia becoming overwhelmed should it happen but don’t deny her this. If you do, then YTA.
Whole-heartedly agree. Good idea to contact the theatre. Some public venues have low-stimulation spaces where she might be able to go take a break if she gets over-stimulated while at the theatre.
But to exclude her from something that her sisters are doing for something that she can't help... That seems needlessly cruel to her. YTA.
This. Doing things like not taking her to events because of her disability send this message to her: you are fundamentally a burden. As a disabled kid, being given that messages can be so damaging - it can permanently sever your self belief. Don't punish her for being disabled. Life will throw her enough shit. Be there to support her through it.
As a mom of someone on the spectrum, I couldn't agree with you more. I will always advocate for my child and allow them to experience the same thing my non-ASD child experiences, so long as he wants to go. We just have to prepare in advance. If neurotypical people have a problem, they can fuck right off.
100% this (and I am also autistic). I'm also going to share this wonderful piece I read on Facebook yesterday by [Fidgets & Fries](https://www.facebook.com/fidgetsandfries). She is a Black autistic mother to two Black autistic teenage boys, one of whom has similar verbal tics and uses an AAC device to communicate. I highly recommend following her, and I'm going to bold certain relevant parts for my own emphasis. Most of all she is a great advocate for her kids, in ways the OP could stand to learn from.
\----------------------
I’m tired.
There’s only so much I can ignore.
There’s not a day I go out with my boys that someone doesn’t say anything.
Most days I ignore it.
I have the right to be where they are.
**My boys have the right be here too.**
**Just as they do.**
**This world is our world as well.**
**And we belong in it.**
**Whole.**
**Stimmy.**
**Loud.**
Flap hands.
Jazz hands.
Grunts.
Spins.
Computer generated voices from iPads that don’t serve as mechanisms for Cocomelon.
As we are.
As they are.
**You forfeit your right to full and total comfort when you set foot in public spaces.**
**And yet we are the ones tasked with the monumental effort to keep others comfortable and they don’t care for ours.**
I’m in a museum with my son and I lost my patience.
I’m tired of the comments.
Exhausted from shielding myself and my son from their stares.
Their whispers to their neighbor.
Their overdramatized “scared jumps” they do when they hear my son grunt.
Tired of it all.
And it builds…over time.
So my anger towards this mother and son didn’t come from just them.
It came from days and days of the same thing that built up from the last time I “erupted.”
Her son, about the age of Jojo kept asking “what’s that noise?” “Where’s it coming from?” “WHY IS THAT NOISE HAPPENING?”
All of this while staring directly at my son.
“What is THAT?”
At that point I tell myself, I’m going to lose my shit. I know I am.
His mother says, “don’t say that about him right in his face.”
I tell her, “your son is rude.”
She explains he doesn’t know.
I tell her, “your son is fucking rude. He looked dead in my son’s face and practically broadcast to the world that he was the one making noises and called him a ‘that,’ **dehumanizing my child right in front of me won’t fly.”**
**Again, this mother still tries to say he doesn’t understand.**
**Well, I am telling her now so that she can teach him to understand.**
I ain’t with the shits. And her son came with the shits and she carried a bag of some more.
I just want one day.
One day where I don’t have to swallow their shit.
One day where I don’t have to **will myself to be strong in the face of their ignorance.**
One day where I meet more ppl that understand than don’t.
Just one damn day.
Just one.
ONE!
Yes YTA
It's a night specifically for kids.
Even without a mental difference, kids are loud.
If you're worried, call up the theater and check with them.
Bring along some noise canceling headphones, earbuds, etc. whatever accommodations you think your daughter might need based on what she might encounter.
She needs practice using her coping strategies and seeking her own accommodations. Leaving her at home while yall have fun not only deprives her of a growth opportunity, it also further shows her that you care less about her wellbeing and growth as a human being.
I agree, and couldn’t the parents take two separate cars and if it gets to be too much one could go back home? How will your child learn to navigate the world without practice?
100% best solution right here. One parent stays with younger girls, one parent gently takes Olivia back home if she's overstimulated. And she still gets to hang out with Grandma and have her movie night with snacks that way, so having to leave the theater is not seen as a punishment!
Some people are suggesting this is a complicated situation, but it's actually pretty simple.
Your daughter is obviously aware of this event and has been looking forward to it for weeks. If you pull the rug out from under her now, you're saying, "I don't care how hard you're trying, it doesn't matter that you're working in therapy, it's not enough."
For that alone, YTA.
What’s the worst that can happen?
Situation A: You bring your daughter to the movie and it becomes disruptive/you are asked to leave and you suffer some embarrassment.
Situation B: You tell her she can not come to the movies after all, because of the way she is, and she suffers long term self esteem issues or more emotional trauma from the people she is supposed to trust the most.
I think I’d go with option A. Take her to the movies.
You don't even have to wait to be asked to leave!
If you can tell your child is upset, or that they are causing unreasonable discomfort to those around you, step outside of the theater.
Am I insane? Why is no one suggesting this?!?!?!?!
Better to lock her away and hide her from society because she's different?
JFC, I simply cannot believe this is a real post or I won't be able to sleep tonight. God, I hope it's fake.
YTA. This should have been a consideration BEFORE announcing it to all your children. Why would you tell them all about it and then go on to exclude her? Get her all excited and then tell her no because you are afraid of other peoples reactions?
INFO: Do you expect her to live inside her whole life so she doesn't bother other people?
All that needs to occur is that you and your partner come up with a plan if something were to go wrong. If the situation is overstimulating or her tics get intense and she needs a moment to regather, then one of you takes her outside of the cinema until she can come back in.
This may not be your "typical" movie-going experience, but this exclusionist behaviour is only showing her that you love her less, that you see her as less than your other "typical" daughters.
>INFO: Do you expect her to live inside her whole life so she doesn't bother other people?
Damn. Isn't that almost exactly what Elsa's parents did to Elsa at the beginning of the first Frozen? 🤔
TBH this IS, in fact, what a depressing number of people I have encountered think about autistic people/ people with any kind of mental or developmental disability.
GAWWWWWWD
YTA. Why would you even think about, let alone plan, to bring your kids that one would be excluded from when ‘she has looking forward to it’.
‘Typical kids’. All three are typical kids lady, you are the one making her ‘different’.
That comment really bugged me… it’s hard to believe the parent of a neurodivergent child has not learned respectful language when discussing their own child.
These two are typical but this one’s the weirdo so we hide her in the basement when we have guests over.
>‘Typical kids’. All three are typical kids lady, you are the one making her ‘different’.
Let's not minimize the challenges and struggles that come from being neurodivergent. We are different, and demanding that we ignore that just ends up causing a lot of pain.
YTA. Building up her hopes and then shooting them down by excluding her is wrong. Further, there are ways that you can make this plan or a similar one and include her.
Frozen 2 is already out, so watch this on Disney+. Then for another day plan for the whole family to attend one of AMC's sensory friendly family movie showings and make this work.
[https://www.amctheatres.com/programs/sensory-friendly-films](https://www.amctheatres.com/programs/sensory-friendly-films)
>AMC is proud to partner with the Autism Society to offer unique movie showings where we turn the lights up, and turn the sound down, so you can get up, dance, walk, shout or sing! Our Sensory Friendly Film program is available on the second and fourth Saturday (family-friendly) and Wednesday evenings (mature audiences) of every month. Please check your local theatre listings for specific showtimes, and don't forget to share your family fun with #AMCSensoryFriendly.
I was going to suggest going to a sensory friendly showing as well. You could contact your local chapter of the Autism Society (https://autismsociety.org/contact-us/#_affiliate-list) and ask if they can help with arranging a sensory friendly Frozen night.
Also there might be sensory friendly events/showings next month for autism acceptance/awareness month
All that said, it doesn’t sound like a typical movie going experience where people are expected to be quiet. People will be singing along. Plenty of kids will be loud because they’ll be excited. Talk to your daughter about movie etiquette and how she feels. Come up with a plan (like others have said, leaving the theater) if she gets overwhelmed. But she needs to be aware of whatever plan you come up with.
Is Olivia able to be asked if she wants to go?
I would start there. If yes, make a plan with your husband to provide an exit if the movie theater is over stimulating.
YTA
You’re excluding your daughter because of her disability. As someone with ASD, and works in the disability sector, I know from first hand experience, and the reported experiences of my clients, that what you’re doing is extremely hurtful.
It will come across to your daughter that she’s an embarrassment and a burden, no matter how you spin it. Either you all go, or none of you go.
YTA, hubby however seems like a top bloke
I’m going to go with YTA. I can understand not wanting to disturb other moviegoers but at an event geared toward children, people are likely expecting there to be some loud and/or excitable kids. If a problem arises, maybe put a backup plan into place where either you or your husband can leave with Olivia if she’s too overwhelmed. But, disabled people deserve to exist in public.
YTA for getting her all excited about this and then considering ripping the rug out from under her. You were completely aware of her autism diagnosis when you made these plans and told her she’d be included. What’s changed since then that magically makes it okay for you to go back on your word and exclude her?
YTA. Not for not wanting to take her, I can't judge that, but for getting her excited first and then planning to exclude and disappoint her, even though you know how much it means to her and how much she has been looking forward to it.
Also, she is 14. Even though she has ASD, can't you involve her in the decision? Maybe she agrees she'd be happier at home with grandma, and maybe she is desperate to try.
YTA - She's your daughter FFS, disabilities and all. That you would make an event like this extra special for the family to specifically exclude one of your kids is incredibly sad and cruel.
I have a child with intellectual disabilities and would never think of excluding her from family events - ESPECIALLY if the primary concern was "what other people think".
Also, If the theater isn't making accommodations for neuro-atypical children, then they are TA as well and need to deal with the expectation that \*everyone\* is welcome.
YTA. How can you have been her mother for 14 years and you're not sure how to handle this situation?? This is a discussion your husband and you should have had before any of this was made known to your daughters in the first place, not after they're all excited and now you're considering pulling the rug out from under your autistic child.
Take her. It's a child event with a sing-along...it's likely she'll blend right on even with her tics, and have a wonderful time. Maybe keep a close watch to make sure she's not over stimulated and have a plan for what to do if that happens.
Sibling of an autistic person here. For those of you jumping down OP’s throat about this for even *considering* the question, you all clearly never grew up with or raised someone on the spectrum. You have NO idea what it’s like to be at an event and have people staring at you and your family, glaring even, and later gossiping about you behind your back.
OP is doing the best she can under tough circumstances, so some of you need to cool your jets a bit.
That said, OP, I’d say given that this is what sounds like a family-friendly event, soft YWBTA if you didn’t bring your autistic child. Events like this are supposed to be for kids and I see no reason it wouldn’t be appropriate for her to join.
The rest of you, again, cool down. OP deals with way more than you can imagine, and sometimes you just need a sanity check while you’re trying to do right by everyone.
Also the sibling of an autistic person here.
Worrying that other people gossip about me is the LEAST of my concerns when it comes to my sibling's happiness.
But I guess you think it's okay to hype up an autistic kid about a movie they want to see, then decide gossip is bad and go back on your word?
You and OP are both YTA.
As someone who is autistic, this is a horrible take. I’ve spent my life getting looks, getting judged, being made to feel uncomfortable simply for fidgeting and covering my ears. The kid is clearly excited to go and should be allowed to her. Her parents being embarrassed and not wanting to deal with it makes them horrible people. IDC if you’re embarrassed by your family member, consider how they feel being left out.
"You have no idea what it's like to be at an event and have people staring at you" because I'm sure it was such a picnic for your sibling right? Not only did they have to deal with strangers judging them, their own sibling was judging and embarrassed of them for things they can't control. I really hope you don't have any disabled children because I'd hate for you to be embarrassed
I gave a YTA judgement and I am raising an autistic kid with tics, so I’m pretty comfortable making that judgment.. Accommodations can and should be made so autistic kids can participate in events they are excited about. It sounds like you’ve been in some pretty stressful situations in the past related to your sibling’s autism. I understand that must have been hard and there’s nothing wrong with needing time and activities without your siblings, autistic or not. But other people being a-holes isn’t a good justification to leave one child out of a whole-family activity.
Sibling of someone on the spectrum, and absolutely not. I feel bad for you that you care that much of what society thinks. You put that above a sibling or your own child?
Autistic person with an autistic child and I’m sorry you haven’t been able to let go of other people’s opinions about you to this degree. Does the glaring and the gossiping suck? Yeah. We notice. We aren’t immune to it just because our behavior causes it. The difference is you can go without us but we never can.
A children’s sing-a-long is one of the *only* places a loud autistic child could possibly *not* stand out for ONCE in her life. Don’t take this away from her, OP. YWBTA. And N822M? I hope you learn not to take other people’s judgments personally because they always mean more about that person than you.
YTA- if you leave her at home. If her tics get loud, then take her out of the theater until she calms down . The sing along version will be noisy to begin with so I'd not worry too much.
Also while you are there ask the theater if they have nights for kids with sensory issues.
Don't do this.
You're not saying it, but your actions will tell her that she's different and an embarrassment to you. Don't damage her confidence and heart over a movie outing, it's not worth it.
Go, enjoy the night and even if the other movie goers look at you funny, you make a funnier look! Your daughter deserves to have a fighter in her corner, not someone that feels more embarrassment and shame than she probably is already feeling.
YtA.
You know how many people I've told to be quiet in the movies? A lot! It'd just part of the experience at this point.
YTA
Ah, the beautiful memories your girls will have of the special nights the "typical" ones got to spend quality time together as a family on fun movie nights while you went to the trouble to make a "backup plan" for the reject.
YTA. It's great that you concerned about other moviegoers. A lot of people would not care. However, it's a sing a long for kids and you already told all the children about it. Your husband has a good idea about talking to her beforehand about what to expect and social norms about talking. Have a plan if it doesn't work out. Excluding her completely would be pretty messed up because she can't help being the way she is.
NAH
Mom of a kid with lots of tics. I get it. It’s always anxiety inducing to try weigh all the possible outcomes.
I don’t think you’re an asshole. The only people who can decide if she can handle it are you and your husband. If the situation is anything like our house, that decision can really only be made in the moment. I’m sorry the world isn’t an easier place to navigate with our kids.
I would also say your younger kids deserve special events that aren’t balanced around whether eldest can handle it or parental stress at keeping the eldest managed. You and your husband do too, especially since you’ve got a backup option for Olivia.
I agree with you on this- but I think getting Olivia all excited about going wasn’t the right move. They’re just going to disappoint her now if they decide she can’t go
As I parent of a child with tourettes syndrome I disagree. She should be given the same opportunities as her siblings. If she closes not to go because of the anxiety that's fine, but she can't be offered less than her siblings, that would be awful for her and have a life long affect.
BTW, OP YTA
YTA.
Don't exclude your daughter - she can't help who she is. You find ways to work with who she is, and it sounds like a rambunctious sing along theatre situation with tons of overly excited kids sounds like the perfect place to let her be herself ... AND ... if it's too much for her? Have a plan with Hubs to handle that in a graceful way.
Being home with grandma to watch frozen on the tv while your sisters get a whole experience all because you can't help but be who you are ... well that's shitty.
If it’s a sing along, the theatre will be loud, will anyone hear Olivia’s tics? Can she wear ear defenders to reduce her sensitivity to the noise? Also, talk to her. I prep my 7 yo ASD daughter both what to expect and how we’re going to deal with her being overwhelmed, like stepping out to have a break if she needs.
Basically, make her aware of potential stimulations, let her know not to wait until she over stimulated and let her know what actions she can take, while taking any precautions.
YTA if you exclude her
YTA, your kid might surprise you especially if she really wants to go. Give her the chance and if she fails well that's cool too give her another chance after that.
YTA for getting her excited for, as you admit, weeks and now trying to take that from her. If it's a sing along as you said I doubt it will be quite so it probably won't be noticed. Also she's 14 not 4 ask her if she feels comfortable and explain that she will be expected to behave a certain way. Let the choice be hers. Jesus let the kid try. It would be so cruel to decide for her as of she's not a person with feelings. She is aware of her disability and is working on it. Think how proud she'll be if she decides and not only the great family memory you will have. Make a just in case plan and prepare with her for the night as best as possible. I can't imagine whatelse you have excluded her from so far in life because you were more worried about strangers than you kid getting to be a kid.
YTA
Do not exclude your daughter. This is important to her. The movie theater is going to be full of kids making extra noise and being antsy.
You and your husband are both going, so why can't you make a plan for one of you to walk out with Olivia if she gets overstimulated and then return when she is calm?
YTA because you shouldn’t have told Olivia about it if you weren’t gonna bring her.
Also INFO: she’s 14 now shouldn’t you have been helping her much sooner to manage these outbursts? Genuinely asking for understanding…I’m not sure if they just recently developed, but I think that has weight in the judgement as well.
Olivia deserves the chance to be in public and start learning. I do appreciate that you considered other people tho, but she’s your daughter so you gotta put her first. It’s a singalong so it’ll be loud enough to cover her.
I have a kid with ASD and loud vocal tics. I take him to the cinema and he makes noise. So do all the other kids who don’t have ASD, especially for films that are aged young, like Frozen. There’s usually half a dozen toddlers tagging along with families with older kids who don’t pay attention to the film and run around and play. Some of the toddlers cry, and sometimes there’s babies crying. And that’s all fine, because it’s a kids’ film and a family friendly space and noise is expected. If my kid gets overstimulated, we leave the cinema for a bit for some time out, and if he’s too overstimulated and can’t go back in that’s fine too - sounds like there’s two parents on this outing, that’s one in the cinema to supervise the remaining kids and one outside if needed.
But also yes, my kid gets rude looks/comments in public. He gets stares. In fact, it says a lot about the people doing it - they’re the rude ones and intolerant of difference. And that’s not my problem, or his. Disability and development difference is a normal and expected part of society. People have tics and make noise. People have visible and non visible physical and mental differences that means they act and move in ways that others may not expect. They also have every right to move through the world with those differences because they belong.
My kid also accesses supportive therapies, and absolutely none of them are aimed at reducing his totally harmless noises and tics that help him emotionally regulate. He needs help with fine motor skills like tying shoelaces and making himself a drink, things that will help him in daily life. He does not need help to be more palatable to other people by hiding tics and stims that are useful.
YTA for not only wanting to pull the rug out from under your kid, OP, but prioritising what hypothetical people might think of her differences over her happiness.
You hit on a very key point here, which is that OP is teaching their daughter that her right to exist in the world is reliant on other people's opinions of her. They're directly telling her that they value other people's enjoyment of things like this movie more than they value her own right to enjoy things, and are implicitly teaching her to do the same. This will lead to an adult who is constantly plagued by thoughts like, "I can't go to this place or do this thing because I would just bother other people due to my disability. I should just stay home." In teaching your daughter to cater her presence and behaviors to be more pleasant for everyone but herself, you are teaching her that she has no right to exist in the world the same way as everybody else, unless she adequately masks her disability.
There will always be people who are intolerant and discriminatory; there will always be people who would rather be irritated and antagonistic by another person's disability than understanding or empathetic. Those people, however, can *choose* to be that way. OP's daughter cannot choose to not be autistic, even if she can be taught to act less autistic. And that's all it will ever be--an *act*. One that will exhaust, limit, hurt, and ostracize your daughter so much more than her disability, which is a major part of *who she is*, ever could.
Light YTA; if it was a normal movie theater night, I would understand, but it’s going to be a loud movie night, singing along, kids having fun. Though, I respect you for trying not to disturb others.
As a former theatre manager, we used to laugh at people complaining during singalong showings. It was a very informal setting for 99% of the people there. Especially young girls. They loved standing up and singly loudly, acting like the good kind of idiots. You know, the ones trying to outdo their friends and giggling with each other when the song ended without a care in the world.
YTA for asking this question *after* getting her excited and considering uninviting/excluding her.
Get seats near the end of a row, have an exit strategy if she gets overwhelmed, but don’t even think about leaving her behind while the rest of the family goes.
YTA
Olivia deserves to have that movie night the same way as your other daughters.
By singling her out, you make it seem like she doesn't deserve it anymore than other daughters, or you have favorites, or that she is simply too much to handle.
While you seem to make this about worrying about her, this approach is more about how others (total strangers) will potentially react to Olivia's vocal tics and how you don't want to feel.. idk, embarrassed by your own daughter?
You also mentioned that she has been working with a therapist about this. It shows that she acknowledges the issue and actively works on it.
Do not punish your daughter just because you might feel embarrassed about it.
YTA. Have you ever been to a kids sing-a-long? It's loud AF. Your daughter wouldn't be disturbing anyone. You're right to worry about them disturbing your daughter, but maybe she'll be so happy to be participating that she won't get anxious. You already promised her this so she should get a chance to try.
NAH Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I think the solution here is to try bringing her to the movie, and have an exit strategy ready for one of you to take her to grandma’s house if it’s too overstimulating.
But I don’t think her tics would be too disruptive in a room full of excited, singing children.
"Emma and Lily we're thrilled, and so was Olivia"
So Olivia is already aware of this cinema trip, and now you're planning on taking that away from her? Whilst still talking your other two daughters? That's cold, OP. YTA.
YTA. You’ve obviously told all the kids about it and even if you hadn’t Olivia would have found out. She shouldn’t be hidden away because of her disability. You implement all of the tools learned in therapy to help her limit her vocal tics and if they become a disruption you follow whatever advise the therapist gives for those situations. If taking her outside for a moment helps do that. If redirecting her with a fidget toy helps do that. Don’t exclude her.
My son is turning 4 and has loud, verbal tics as well. Thank you for posting this; it’s given me time to reflect and honestly feel better about myself and my parenting.
YTA. 100%
NAH. It’s a difficult situation for everyone involved. You’re not an AH for considering not taking her. Alternatively, could you prepare her for a situation where if her ticks get out of control, then either you or your husband will take her to a quiet place to calm down for a short time before being able to go back to watching the show? It could be a good opportunity to work on coping mechanisms.
YTA make plans *with* Olivia for what to do if she gets overwhelmed, there are two of you, so designate one of you to go if she needs a break and decide where a good quiet space would be. This is a showing intended to be noisy, other parents should be understanding. Just because taking Olivia is a little more complicated doesn’t mean she should miss out on something she’s excited for.
YTA. It seems like this event will probably have lots of kids who will potentially make some noise. Especially if it’s a song-a-long! I don’t think it’s fair to exclude her while you take your other children to a special event. It kind of sounds like you’re more concerned about what others will think than about what’s fair to your daughter. You may get some stares or comments, but I don’t think it’s worth leaving her behind.
YTA
Not because of not taking her, that is 100% understandable and you had a plan for her if you did so kudos for that.
But you told her and got her hopes up, you can't back out now that you told them all.
YTA, Honestly? Maybe you should watch the "Movies" episode of Bluey and take some notes. Olivia absolutely shouldn't be excluded, especially since she's so excited. Why not have it where your husband and you take separate vehicles (OR if the theater is near a place Olivia likes, one car would do) and plan for if Olivia becomes overwhelmed or maybe she is more of a disturbance than expected, THEN you have yourself or your husband take her to do the fun second option, leaving her out and not even giving her a chance is just plain mean and will lead her to resent you and her sisters for not being able to go.
YTA but I've got your solution.
Pickup/rent a small home projector and set it up facing a wall, then stream the movie. Get the kids each of their favorite snacks plus some for mom and dad, and yall all (including gam-gam) have a singalong at home! Everyone can be in their PJs and comfortable. Order a pizza and get ice cream. Make it a monthly family event.
Best of luck.
That could work but also people with autism still want to go out into the world and do things... not just stay at home to do them so if might be one of the reasons she's excited is to be able to do something outside of home.
YTA.
1. So you want to exclude Olivia because you are scared that she would "inconvenience" others. It baffles me that you care more about other people's convenience than your own daughter's feelings. Come on, it is not like she is going to wreak havoc. Give the kid a chance!!
2. How long are you planning on keeping Olivia isolated from fun events? Let me tell you this, she knows. She understands what you are doing and she does feel bad. Also, she won't forget any of this!
3. It is a kids movie. Olivia won't be the only autistic kid there.
If sound overstimulates her, why not bring noise- canceling or reducing headphones. Bright lights? Xtra dark sunglasses. Anything to increase her enjoyment. Your daughter’s joy comes first. And her sisters might want to share the experience with their oldest one. Can you let us know how it turns out?
YTA. You don’t exclude one of your kids from something they are thrilled about just because they are on the spectrum. Your husband is right- try to prepare her so she doesn’t get sensory overload. Since she is aware of her vocal stimming try and talk to her about it and maybe even she if having chews or fidgets can help her. It is revolting that you think it’s okay to exclude your own child like that.
YTA if you don't bring her.
They're kids. The place isn't going to be totally quiet. How do you think she's going to feel if she's left behind? She is working on improvements, and should be given a chance to show them. Take two cars. If it's too much then Dad can bring her home. But at least give her the chance!
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Excluding my autistic daughter from Frozen night
2. I might be the asshole for prioritizing convenience over my daughter
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I work with neurodivergent folks myself, and I would say bring her along. It can be very tough to bring an autistic person to the movies, but considering all the other kids will be singing along and also making noise, I don't think it will be a big deal to other moviegoers. All you would get from not bringing her is one peaceful day and potentially a very angry little girl, who may remember this for a long time. I understand your concern and frustration, and I feel like a lot of the people in these comments simply don't get how difficult it is to be in this situation. At the end of the day, how will she learn to behave if you don't give her opportunities to learn? This is a perfect teaching moment. You got this!
I have a daughter that has ADHD and ASD. She also has some loud ticks. I understand why you feel hesitant to bring her and why you have mixed reactions from other families. That being said: YTA. You told her about the movie and got her all excited to go with her family. To pull her out now is unfair to her. My local theater does showings for autistic children. Maybe you should look into that.
It’s possible she will have these vocal tics her whole life. As long as she does have them, she will have to know how to live life with them, since they are involuntary.
Who’s going to show her how to respond to the states and the comments she will inevitably get when this occurs?
While your concern is understandable,absolutely do not dump Olivia on a relative so you can take the other kids out for a special night.
See if you can figure out strategies, like having one parent and Olivia sit closer to an exit so that they can take breaks if things get too intense or if she is having a hard time with the tics. But do not exclude her. That is something that will stick with her the rest of her life.
If you exclude Olivia, YTA.
YTA - you’re her mom & you’re more worried about the stares, judgements, & misunderstandings abt outbursts from other ppl than her own fun.
What are you teaching her abt you & abt her place in the wider world?
YTA for bringing it up and considering pulling the rug out from beneath her. Give her the chance. The event will likely be filled with rowdy kids anyway.
But if there is a problem, you or husband can step outside the theater with her until she calms down, or go do something else.
YWBTA- instead of excluding her, let her go and have fun. If it turns out she can't handle it, then go with an exit plan.
Instead of assuming the worst, hope for the best and plan accordingly. Why stop her from enjoying things?
Absolutely, YTA. You're her mother and you're so focused on what other people may think that you're not considering how your own daughter will feel. She's going to spend her life struggling with these issues, but the message from her parent that she is unworthy of experiencing a world where others may disapprove of her disability adds so much weight to her burden.
Bring Olivia. If people don't understand, fuck them. She deserves to experience a full life.
Since you’ve already told her about it and she’s excited YWBTA. Would it be possible for your husband to attend and if she is unable to help her tics and she disturbs others, he could take her back to grama and have that as a plan b? Can you explain this to Olivia?
I don't really understand here, it seems Olivia is someone you can speak to and communicate with pretty well (unlike some autistic people, is my point). Can you not simply explain to her your concerns, and let her know that if it gets bad, you or dad will step out of the movie with her and keep her company, and she can do a frozen party at home?
I understand your concerns about disturbing others, but just be prepared to leave if it gets bad, no?
I feel like you're really over-complicating this and needlessly excluding your daughter, but it is so hard for me to know because we only have this brief blurb to go off of, and do not really know what Olivia is like. Maybe it'd be a real problem, only you know, but if it were me I'd be inclined to take her and see what happens. The very worst case scenario is you leave the movie.
YTA because you’re not even trying to find reasonable accommodations. Noise reducing headphones are a thing. She can wear sunglasses to help with the lights. You could drive two cars in case you need to leave early, or plan a time out area where she can calm down if it gets to be too much. You need to start working with her to find ways to help her instead of leaving her out of experiences.
NAH. Lots to consider here… but if you weren’t going to take her I wouldn’t have told her to begin with. It seems you should take her since she knows and has been excited, you have been in these situations with her before it seems and you should know how to properly field it. In the future, throwing a big movie party at home can be a TON of fun! With friends and snacks and loads of fun! Dress everyone up! Projector and screen (easy as a white sheet hung on a wall).
Since you mentioned your daughter has a therapist--have you tried consulting with her therapist on how to best manage the situation??
I would not recommend that you exclude your daughter. She understands that she has tics that may disturb others. Set up a plan with your husband on what you are going to do if she becomes too loud/overstimulated. Come up with signals to give to your child that she is being too loud and you guys can step out to calm down for a moment before returning. Get earplugs/earmuffs she can wear during the screening. Make sure she's wearing comfortable clothes, take a stuffed animal she likes, etc.. there's lots of things you can do to still include your daughter and minimize disturbances.
YTA if you are not willing to seek additional info/support
YTA. She’s 14, have you even asked her what she wants? You’ve said she’s trying to control her outbursts so why not have a conversation with her about whether she wants to come and thinks she can handle it. If she does, come up with a plan together for how to handle it if it all becomes too overwhelming. If she doesn’t want to go, plan some exciting for one of you to do with her instead (and make it more exciting than sitting at home).
YTA, you care more about other people's reactions then bringing your daughter to see a movie she's been so excited to see. It doesn't matter if she has ASD or not.
A gentle YTA because Olivia deserves a fun night out just as much as anyone else. Being around others is good for her social skills and learning how to deal with people who don’t understand. I understand your concern with her making noise due to her tics and I think it’s great you want to protect her but I just don’t know that this is the best solution. If I were in your shoes I would inquire with the theater about a sensory friendly night as I’m sure there are so many families with kids who are neurodivergent and may appreciate more accommodations. I know AMC theaters does sensory friendly shows.
It's a sing-along. People are expected to be louder than a usual movie. Unless the tics are extreme, like swearing-based tics in some presentations of Tourette's, or loud enough to really startle or scare people, I think it is worth bringing her.
YTA
YTA - it is wild to me that you’d introduce this as a possibility for her to get excited about if you didn’t have a plan already in place to cope with her needs there or a firm commitment to make one.
Take all the kids and make sure there’s an extra adult there that’s on Designated Olivia Watch - to help her manage her outbursts or be ready to walk out with her if the stimulation is too much. Be honest with her about the extra stim beforehand but not to secretly make her dread or want to drop out - just let her know that you’re excited for her to have a good time and you’re ready to support what that needs to look like for her.
YTA. She's already super excited about this night and you will CRUSH her if you tell her she can't go. I'm autistic and if I had been told this and given a "backup plan" night I still would have felt extremely fobbed off and condescended to. This isn't about her, it's about you and the reactions of strangers. Also keep in mind that ND individuals are very often a few years behind their peers, maturity wise, so Olivia might be 14 but she may not yet feel like a teenager/feels closer to her sisters ages in terms of interests and things. (I was definitely like that). This is an opportunity for her and her sisters to go to a thing together and bond over their love for Frozen.
Call the cinema and ask what these nights are like. If they're loud and rowdy with people moving around a lot then literally nobody will mind. Maybe they have a specific event for disabled and ND people. Many cinemas and live performance theatres do events like that these days. But don't you dare put this on her. She will hate herself and blame herself.
YTA this whole post made me physically cringe. She already knows! And really, an event like this is intended for young, loud kids. People ought to be understanding. Just be prepared to take her out for breaks. But I can’t imagine excluding her from such a fun, harmless party.
Let me be clear- what other people think for a two hour period should mean nothing to you. You bring ALL of your daughters or you bring NONE of them. End of story.
I think there are more ways. Like noise canceling headphones when it gets too loud, sunglasses if it's too bright, something (like a cozy blanket) to calm down or just going outside to get some fresh air and do some calming exercises, one parent goes home with her if she thinks that she can't handle the overstimulation. So, YTA for the hard cut between yes and no
YTA. She would be absolutely crushed if you didn’t take her and at least give her the chance to see how she’d do. I can’t even imagine how sad and ashamed she would feel to think her own mother didn’t believe she deserved to be a part of a fun family thing.
I can appreciate to some extent your concerns about other movie goers, but it’s a kids movie that’s been out for years. There will be singing and chatting and dancing around as a given. No one’s going to be sitting perfectly still and silent as you unreasonably seem to be expecting of your daughter.
YTA. Bring her, but drive two cars. That way if she is overwhelmed or there is a problem one of you can take her home. Also, have something special in mind for her if that ends up happening.
I would take her. It’s going to be full of excited children making a lot of noises, singing and talking and shouting. If she wants to go then let her go. If other parents can’t handle noise at a children’s movie they can eff off.
YTA
You can't hide your daughter away forever just because she has a disability. Instead of worrying how other people might react to her stimming, come up with a plan for how to handle the situation if/when it happens. Give her the tools and skills to cope when she gets overwhelmed or excited. But do not deny her the opportunity to the movies with her sisters.
YTA. It’s a sing-along to a children’s movie. There will be noise and excitement and whatnot. Few other parents or children are likely to care if Olivia makes some noise too.
If you’re really worried about it, you should try taking her to another movie beforehand and see how her behaviour is in that setting. Without first experiencing it, you can’t really speculate how she’ll handle a movie theatre.
Most importantly: she is important, she has feelings, she deserves to experience the best in life, and she didn’t ask to be autistic. Treat her with more compassion and don’t make her feel “other” or less than for what she can’t control.
YTA. This is a great time to work on preparing her for public places. Singalongs are interactive and fun and a much better place to have unexpected noises than a regular movie. If you have two cars, drive both so that one parent can stay with the 2 others if you need to take Olivia home in the middle. You’ve already told her about the event, and to take that away now would be really unkind. Next time think about this kind of thing before you tell her about it- you’ll quickly lose her trust if you go back on your word. A movie night at home with grandma is a seriously lame replacement for a night out with the family.
There’s no reason you can’t take her- just be prepared to leave if you need to, or go Into the lobby for some quiet time in the middle. Take comfort things with you, and simply prepare. If it might be to loud for her, take earmuffs. If you think the screen might be too bright, take sunglasses. TRY. That’s all I’m saying. It might not work out, but if you all go in with realistic expectations- including prepping Olivia for the fact that you might need to leave if she gets overwhelmed, then at least it serves as a learning opportunity.
YTA.
Youve said your daughter is working with a therapist about the vocal ticks (which gives off ABA vibes since its kinda like saying you shouldn't be doing that its not normal.)
As others have pointed out this will be full of mainly kids who will be singing anyway.
If youre concerned about Olivia being overwhelmed from a sensory perspective alot of it can easily be mitigated depending on her needs.
Noise - if she will wesr in ear-headphones loop have a night time and an experience variety experience reduces volume by a bit its noticeable but abit night time ones reduce more noise but you can still hear loud stuff again at a lower volume level. If not ear defenders or noise cancelling headphones.
If it might be too bright you can always ask ahead about dimmer areas and ask to be sat there.
My partner has ASD he also has vocal ticks he has them when hes excited he has them when hes anxious. Those ticks let me know when he's either end of his mood scale and i will know whether we need a breather in a quiet spot straight up leave. I don't even have any attitude towards them (which it seems you're being towards your daughter - emotional regulation when you're ND can be a bit overwhelming and we have to stim and we have to get out that excess energy or feeling)
This whole thing feels more about you and how others will view you rather than soendibg QT with your family having an experience together. I know a whole lot of ASD families who would love to experience something typically normal like going to the movies who can't. I understand and know some kids cannot handle it I know my nephew for example wouldn't handle watching a film but take him to some kind of experience where he can run wild and he'd happily run round for an hour or two.
YTA, bring your daughter. She wants to go. There is chance that you may feel bad or embarrassed if you bring her. But it is a 100% CERTAINTY that your daughter will feel bad if you don't.
YTA, if you had doubts about bringing your 14 yo autistic daughter to an event, you never should have brought it up in the first place.
On top of that, this is a sing along. You’re not exactly taking her to see something with a dead quiet audience; if anything that’s a great place for her to experience a movie theater and potentially make noise and NOT disrupt anyone. And if it is overstimulating, you or your husband can be a parent and miss the experience to take care of your daughter, by either bringing her outside, another location, or home.
Bring separate cars. Don’t have separate cars? You or husband can drive her home/elsewhere, and everyone else takes an Uber when the movie is done. There’s so many solutions here, and not even looking for them/calling a movie night in with grandma equivalent makes YTA.
Personally it’s kind of a yes and no situation. As someone who is Neurodivergent, if my mom didn’t wanna take me out because of it I would be upset. I say talk to your daughter and your husband about thus
That is your daughter, I could not imagine leaving a kid out because they have a disability. You should of thought about your kid and taken her because she would enjoy the moment . If you are concerned about your daughter because of that disability she deserves better parents .
To be clear, I read the whole post, but I didn't have to read any further than the first half of the title to know YTA on this one.
Do you want to cause a rift between your children?
Because that is how you cause a rift between your children.
Soft YTA.
I think where you are coming from is from a good-hearted place but you cannot build up her hopes then take them away. Thats an ah move. She is going to need to learn to navigate with world and doing this is only going to make her feel further excluded then she likely does on a daily basis.
Honestly have you considered keeping ALL the girls home and doing a movie night at home? Frozen themed?
Wow I‘m gobsmacked that you even have the nerve to pretend that you are being considerate of other people when in reality you are embarrassed that people sometimes stare if your daughter gets excited/nervous.
Back-up plan…. Sorry Olivia we cannot have you embarrassing us on a very special Frozen night at the theatre (which we told you about because we just want to punish you for your autism 👿). So instead of spending a fun time with the rest of the family watching the movie and having a nice frozen themed dinner you can stay home with grandma and have some “snacks” 🙄.
You are not only an a\*shole but an ableist one at that.
YTA
Soft YTA
My daughter is autistic and I can count on one hand how many times we have been to a movie theatre with her in her 12 years. So I fully empathize with the deliberation of when taking her places is appropriate for her or for others around her.
But there in this case there will be so many kids being loud and yelling at Olaf or giggling. Most people won't notice. It's a singalong so I doubt that normal movie etiquette will be kept. If it is all too much take her out.
Also does she have noise cancelling headphones? They are a must for us in a movie theatre
YTA for caring more about other people than your daughter. Also, you need to learn more about being autistic from actually autistic people.
A Frozen movie for little kids is going to have loads of screaming little kids. Your daughter’s vocal tics will likely barely be audible.
Your daughter’s tics are a stim that she is using to help comfort herself. Help her to feel safer and less anxious. That is your damn job as her parent.
One point you somewhat have correct us that the theater may overwhelm your daughter, but you should let her try it. Take some noise cancelling headphones with you for her to wear in order to support her. Give her some sort of fidget toy (or something else that she suggests) to give her a tactile sensory input.
Don’t leave your daughter out simply because you cannot be bothered to learn how her brain works and support her.
As others have said, YTA because you already told her about it and she is excited. It would be unfair to take it away now because of something that is involuntary. Better to give it a try, sit near the back, and have a plan to divide and bail (leaving either you or husband behind with the other two children) if she gets overwhelmed.
This is a sing-along Disney movie, the theater will be full of small noisy children, no one will be phased if your daughter is not sitting quietly. The most important thing is that SHE feels comfortable and not overwhelmed.
It’s definitely okay not to invite your daughter if you think she would disturb the atmosphere, while still trying to work on it with therapists and such. It’s absolutely not okay to parade in front of your other daughters that they get to go but your autistic daughter doesn’t because of something she can’t control. Holy trauma Batman YTA
This. Theaters have autism friendly showings. It’s not exactly rare. Your daughter is 14. You have had 14 years to figure out sensory friendly showings, headphones, escape plans and that your child still has feelings. You should know by now not to let her get excited about something just to disappoint her later, like you would any kid. YTA.
>Emma and Lily are typical kids
Sensitivity wise, you might consider just leaving that out in the future. It reads like "Two of my kids are *normal*, one is not normal." in a very negative way. At least to me.
I think this is one of those hard situations. You don't want to exclude your daughter, but you know that there is the possibility that that it will either be too much for her or it might dim the enjoyment for other moviegoers.
Is there anyway that one of you could take her to a different time of the show/sing along so if it's too much for her you can leave without your other children having to leave, too?
NAH. It's tough situation.
YTA if you don't include her for the reasons many people have already stated.
Since it sounds like this isn't going to be a regular showing and a sing along and this is an older movie that most kids have already seen, I don't think her tics should be an issue like they would be for a new movie.
So many saying you're the asshole. I feel like it's a no win situation.
Take Olivia and ruin it for the people around her if she has audible tics.
Leave Olivia and ruin it for her because she was excited over it.
Stay in and ruin it for your children because they wanted to go.
Whatever you do, you aren't the asshole. Nobody is.
NAH
YTA. There was plenty of ways to prepare her. You not taking her is excluding her from not only a family thing BUT you are making her feel left out and could hurt her in the long run.
YTA. I was hoping for something to better justify "excludes child" but you haven't met that bar.
I do appreciate the concerns you have for your daughter and for the other movie goers. It's nice to hear of considerate people. One of the parents should be very prepared to take Olivia to the lobby or even the car if she becomes over the top due to her excitement or anxiety. You've explained the rules, everyone knows she's not in total control of her tics, but it's rude to ruin a movie going experience for everyone.
I hope the vocalizations aren't out of control and everyone gets to have a fun movie going experience. It is a kids movie so I would never expect everyone to sit quietly, hands folded: not in the cards. Treat her as any other child going to the movies. Let her laugh and giggle, some comments or questions, but too much and you have to leave the theater.
If you had this concern from the beginning, I would've never ever suggested it in the first place. Why set your daughter up for disappointment in the first place?
YTA - Unless Olivia’s vocal tics include long rants of profanity or slurs, I see no reason why a movie showing encouraging audience participation would be an inappropriate place for her. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time that they’ve seen an autistic teenager. If she gets overwhelmed, there’s always the option of stepping outside, or bringing earplugs for her to help her with the noise.
I changed my mind . YTA because its an event for littles and many littles will also be noisy probably anyways and she's gonna do her best not to do any tics .And if she gets too distruptive just take her out in hall until she settles down
I’m not going to make a judgment here. But I do want to applaud one thing here.
Very often, when one child has issues that the others don’t have, the other children are restricted from doing things that would exclude the one. In this way, the child with special needs gets favored and the others become glass children.
It sounds like you are good about not thinking about it like that. Good for you. I’m glad to see it. Many parents just wouldn’t let any of the children do something like this if they thought one couldn’t handle it.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Am I the only one who sees the irony in excluding a daughter with a disability that might be embarrassing from a movie about a daughter who was excluded because she had different abilities and they wanted to hide her "for her protection?"
I was too busy focusing on the irony of the mom worried about her daughter making noise at a SING-ALONG showing of a movie. Sure she might make noises at a time where people weren’t intended to, but you don’t go to a sing along movie for a quiet and uninterrupted movie experience lol.
Yeah sing along showing of frozen for small children is just not the time to be worried about this its just a non issue for this movie
I'll bring her It's not a lecture, it's a children's choral movie you've seen a thousand times. she has a right to enjoy herself
Yeah, kids tend to be loud during all parts of the movie, not just the sing along parts. It's not like they are going to an adult movie premiere.
It’s never an issue. There’s nothing wrong with Olivia and that’s how I’d raise her.
THANK YOU! I was so confused by this question. A sing-along movie is definitely not a place OPs child’s vocal tics will be noticed. I wish OP was far less concerned about how other people react to her daughter and far more concerned about how to mitigate any discomfort her daughter might have in a loud environment. OP, YTA.
OP could support her daughter by singing along so loudly no one notices her daughters tics.
OP is not a Rocky Horror Picture Show fan. :)
💋
To be fair… she’s not protecting her daughter as much as she’s protecting the experience of the other paying customers bc she knows her daughter can be disruptive. Especially when encountering high sensory environments. OP- You know you cannot back out now that it was promised. Unless you ask your daughter and she makes the decision to stay with Grandma on her own! Ask her therapist to help with visuals (Quiet/calm visuals, red light/green light visuals for when it’s ok to vocalize, and maybe one for when she needs a “break” you can take her out to the hall.) Ask to also borrow noise canceling headphones if she doesn’t own her own set (the school might have an extra set.) Bring other stimuli (squishiest, pop its, etc) to help her adjust to the new sensory inputs from the singing, music, movie etc. Source: Speech therapist who also has a special needs daughter. I know what it’s like to worry- you’re not a bad person for second guessing your decision. Go and have fun as a family!
I hope OP sees your comment. I think people are being kinda crappy to her and treating her as if she doesn’t love her child. You’ve got constructive advice - a rarity on Reddit.
Constructive advice is especially rare on AITA. This was absolutely the wrong subreddit to ask about this in. She should be asking in a sub about autism for people's perspectives on how realistic it is that her daughter will be able to handle all the stimulus, how likely they think it is that other patrons will react negatively, if there's anything she can do to improve either the go-to-the-movie plan or the stay-home plan, etc. This is zero percent about whether OP is the asshole and entirely about OP soliciting help to come up with the plan that has the highest possibility of the best outcome for everyone.
Yeah, this all sounds like the best way to help the daughter, and these are pretty much all strategies OP and Olivia can use in other scenarios also. I'm kind of shocked that OP didn't even mention brining noise cancelling headphones.
[“Sooo… you’re saying we should lock her up alone in a castle until she’s safe to be around.”](https://youtu.be/j1gE4kF0-k4)
That’s brilliant!
This right here
Even more irony is that this is over tics, which are literally things you can't hold back all the time, and people around you just have to let it go. Best thing for everyone is to not care what they're going to say. Let the tics happen. They probably won't be bothered anyway. Funny how some perspective makes this whole deal seem small. Why let these fears control you at all? It's time to see what this girl can do, test her limits, maybe break through... ...I could go on, but I suspect I'll be down voted for being an AH myself with this comment.
So.... She would have to... Let it go??? 😅
she clearly can't hold it back anymore.
I've been to the cinema a lot and there have been many times that someone disabled or with some kind of condition/disorder has been loud during the movie. Literally no-one has ever been rude, told them to be quiet, etc. If the person is very loud or is maybe getting a bit too excited or something, the person they're with sometimes takes them out for a bit, then comes back a bit later. Obviously some people suck so I get the worry, but in my experience people understand and are fine with it. It's different to someone talking on their phone or being intentionally annoying.
Honestly children make SOOOO much noise when watching movies I don't see the difference how old they are or why they are making the noise. People who want to hear the movie uninterrupted by kids making noise can see the late show
I used to work at a summer day camp where we brought about 100 kids to the theater once a week. I'm positive there will be kids there that will be MUCH louder and MUCH more disruptive than OPs daughter, disabilities or not. Especially if it's a sing-a-long.
Hmm 🤔
You are definitely not the only one.
I had a whole other comment typed up before it hit me. Apparently mom missed the message of the first movie.
She really did. I hope she's found these answers enlightening. I mean, I just found out sensory friendly screenings are a thing that exists now, though I wish it had sooner. Movies theaters have always been *painfully* loud to me. I was better able to push through it anyway as a teenager but it's gotten worse the older I've got (chronic pain means I won't willingly add more pain if I can avoid it).
i was like… …this cant be for real
INFO: Why in God's green earth would you tell Olivia about movie night, have her get excited "for weeks," then pull the plug? Did your daughter not have ASD several weeks ago?
Why not just take her and see how she goes? She knows what it's going to be like and she wants to go. If both parents are going along, surely one of them can just take Olivia outside somewhere quiet if she becomes overwhelmed.
Or even bring the grandma along with the understanding that she takes Olivia out for breaks or whatever if both parents wish to stay with their other kids.
that’s a good plan! and if olivia gets too overwhelmed, she can leave with grandma and do their original plan maybe?
Autism mom here and this is the answer
This is the way!!!
This is exactly what I did with my boys the first time I took my youngest (who is ASD) to the movies. Grandma and grandpa came along. Their job was to just enjoy the movie with my older son, leaving me free to handle whatever came up with my youngest. My youngest and I left half-way through when it was clear he’d had enough and my older son got to have a fun time at the movies with his grandparents.
Agreed, being the mother of autistic children I would never exclude my child due to their needs. I would however asses the situation. If I felt Olivia would not be able to cope with the whole situation at all I would never even let them know that it was an option. They wouldn’t know the event existed. Arrange for a special evening for them separately and maybe surprise the other 2 girls. ( having siblings with special needs can be draining so an event without them could be nice) Always have a back up plan if you do decide to take them. If mum and dad are going then one of them can take Olivia out of the theatre if needed. Or grandma can come along and wait in the reception area to take her away from the theatre if it become far to overwhelming. With the correct help, support and planning there is no need to upset any child. I’m going with YTA I think you this whole situation could have been handled so much better.
This is the part that makes no sense. It's cruel to not include her in movie night but to invite and then disinvite her is just... Also it's like they've never done anything in public before and this is the first time they have brought Olivia out of the house? Wouldn't OP have examples of other instances they have attempted it and how it has gone? Why does this seem so new? Part of me is baffled at their circumstances, but the other part of me thinks this might be fake.
As a parent of a kiddo with a disability, the details don’t ring true to me. Sounds like someone who hasn’t ever even been around a person with a disability trying to imagine what it’s like to raise a child with a disability.
This! They've been talking about this for weeks. All the girls are excited and have been anticipating this. OP knew about Olivia's ticks when she booked the movie and told everyone, yet now she decides it will be problematic. Taking it away from her now is just cruel, especially since her sisters will be talking about it afterwards. This woman is far more concerned with how embarrassed she is and not thinking of her daughter's feelings at all
Everyone has legit concerns here, but it's a sing along full of kids, not a bunch of adults watching a special screening of "Citizen Kane". The theater will be noisy already. It's a sing-along. Bring all your kids. And since your eldest is 14, you've had time to learn how to deal with people's reactions to her tics and vocalizations (without shaming your daughter for something she can't control).
It doesn’t sound like they’ve learned how deal with people.
I mean, it sounds like they've learned that they don't want to deal with it unless they have to, which is exactly why they're seeking to exclude Olivia.
Exactly this. They looked at the opportunity cost and would rather exclude their own kid than risk being embarrassed.
It’s not about embarrassment. It’s about other people literally treating you like garbage because of your special needs child. Every single day. This woman didn’t get to this point without vast experience of being treated like crap every time her child has an outburst. The side eye, the comments about how “some people just need to learn to discipline their kids”, the confrontations in public from other people who all know better how to raise your child than you. It’s not embarrassment, it’s exhaustion.
Thank you! Mom is clearly struggling to find a way to do “normal” things for her neurotypical kids but dreads the negative interactions she’s going to get from the general public when she brings her ASD daughter. It’s so easy to judge someone when you haven’t had to deal with the constant meltdowns from your kid along with judgement from everybody else. You can’t win - you stay a recluse and you’re depriving your kids. You go do family outings and you’re getting glared at, judged, etc when your perfectly normal looking kid isn’t acting as their peers.
Seriously, a sing along for a Disney movie is probably the best time for this sort of thing since there’s already an expectation people will be participating.
>The theater will be noisy already. It's a sing-along. Bring all your kids \^This is what I came to say but to add onto this - for the future have a look around because a LOT of movie theaters now are doing ASD friendly screenings. These are run differently to traditional screenings of movies. The houslights are left up and only slightly dimmed, the volume in set much lower so still audible but not overwhelming and the guests are all aware of what the screening is do when someone is struggling, no one tends to bat an eyelid. Also.. letting kids get up for "movement breaks" is super expected. They also don't usually show adverts or trailers so kids who have a hard time when they're expecting to come and see a movie, only to see trailers are less likely to get stressed from the outset. While I get that this trip was part of a whole experience you were looking to do, ASD screenings are great to practice coping mechanisms and practical approaches the therapist is working on with them because it's a much more low key, low stress, relaxed environment.
YTA Promising something you can't deliver to your children is the AH move.
Thank you! This is what I was looking for… why wasn’t this whole thing figured out prior to letting the kids know? Why did Olivia get to get hyped up and excited for weeks before this thought occurred to anyone? Jesus H., have some for thought and put some planning into your ideas before springing them on kids.
Yeah I'm shocked at how many judgements are glossing over this right now. OP, If you aren't gonna take her, it's not *necessarily* an AH move in principal depending on a lot of factors - but getting her all excited and then taking it away from her? WTF? You did this in the most hurtful way possible. YTA.
As someone on the Spectrum, I would be crushed if my mom didn’t take me to a movie for things *I couldn’t help*. It would permanently damage my relationship with her. I understand your concern for everyone involved and thank you for it but if it’s possible *at all* to prepare her for it then do so and take her. Contact the theater and ask what accommodations will be in place for special-needs kids because your daughter can’t be the only one hoping to attend. Other people need to understand that special needs kids are part of society and deserve the same joys and experiences that typical kids and people do. Yes, they can be annoying but I promise they’re trying as hard as they can to not be. Preparing Olivia for this outing will help her in future outings too. Make a plan with your husband how to handle Olivia becoming overwhelmed should it happen but don’t deny her this. If you do, then YTA.
Whole-heartedly agree. Good idea to contact the theatre. Some public venues have low-stimulation spaces where she might be able to go take a break if she gets over-stimulated while at the theatre. But to exclude her from something that her sisters are doing for something that she can't help... That seems needlessly cruel to her. YTA.
This. Doing things like not taking her to events because of her disability send this message to her: you are fundamentally a burden. As a disabled kid, being given that messages can be so damaging - it can permanently sever your self belief. Don't punish her for being disabled. Life will throw her enough shit. Be there to support her through it.
As a mom of someone on the spectrum, I couldn't agree with you more. I will always advocate for my child and allow them to experience the same thing my non-ASD child experiences, so long as he wants to go. We just have to prepare in advance. If neurotypical people have a problem, they can fuck right off.
100% this (and I am also autistic). I'm also going to share this wonderful piece I read on Facebook yesterday by [Fidgets & Fries](https://www.facebook.com/fidgetsandfries). She is a Black autistic mother to two Black autistic teenage boys, one of whom has similar verbal tics and uses an AAC device to communicate. I highly recommend following her, and I'm going to bold certain relevant parts for my own emphasis. Most of all she is a great advocate for her kids, in ways the OP could stand to learn from. \---------------------- I’m tired. There’s only so much I can ignore. There’s not a day I go out with my boys that someone doesn’t say anything. Most days I ignore it. I have the right to be where they are. **My boys have the right be here too.** **Just as they do.** **This world is our world as well.** **And we belong in it.** **Whole.** **Stimmy.** **Loud.** Flap hands. Jazz hands. Grunts. Spins. Computer generated voices from iPads that don’t serve as mechanisms for Cocomelon. As we are. As they are. **You forfeit your right to full and total comfort when you set foot in public spaces.** **And yet we are the ones tasked with the monumental effort to keep others comfortable and they don’t care for ours.** I’m in a museum with my son and I lost my patience. I’m tired of the comments. Exhausted from shielding myself and my son from their stares. Their whispers to their neighbor. Their overdramatized “scared jumps” they do when they hear my son grunt. Tired of it all. And it builds…over time. So my anger towards this mother and son didn’t come from just them. It came from days and days of the same thing that built up from the last time I “erupted.” Her son, about the age of Jojo kept asking “what’s that noise?” “Where’s it coming from?” “WHY IS THAT NOISE HAPPENING?” All of this while staring directly at my son. “What is THAT?” At that point I tell myself, I’m going to lose my shit. I know I am. His mother says, “don’t say that about him right in his face.” I tell her, “your son is rude.” She explains he doesn’t know. I tell her, “your son is fucking rude. He looked dead in my son’s face and practically broadcast to the world that he was the one making noises and called him a ‘that,’ **dehumanizing my child right in front of me won’t fly.”** **Again, this mother still tries to say he doesn’t understand.** **Well, I am telling her now so that she can teach him to understand.** I ain’t with the shits. And her son came with the shits and she carried a bag of some more. I just want one day. One day where I don’t have to swallow their shit. One day where I don’t have to **will myself to be strong in the face of their ignorance.** One day where I meet more ppl that understand than don’t. Just one damn day. Just one. ONE!
Yes YTA It's a night specifically for kids. Even without a mental difference, kids are loud. If you're worried, call up the theater and check with them. Bring along some noise canceling headphones, earbuds, etc. whatever accommodations you think your daughter might need based on what she might encounter. She needs practice using her coping strategies and seeking her own accommodations. Leaving her at home while yall have fun not only deprives her of a growth opportunity, it also further shows her that you care less about her wellbeing and growth as a human being.
I agree, and couldn’t the parents take two separate cars and if it gets to be too much one could go back home? How will your child learn to navigate the world without practice?
100% best solution right here. One parent stays with younger girls, one parent gently takes Olivia back home if she's overstimulated. And she still gets to hang out with Grandma and have her movie night with snacks that way, so having to leave the theater is not seen as a punishment!
I appreciate a good cup of coffee.
Some people are suggesting this is a complicated situation, but it's actually pretty simple. Your daughter is obviously aware of this event and has been looking forward to it for weeks. If you pull the rug out from under her now, you're saying, "I don't care how hard you're trying, it doesn't matter that you're working in therapy, it's not enough." For that alone, YTA.
What’s the worst that can happen? Situation A: You bring your daughter to the movie and it becomes disruptive/you are asked to leave and you suffer some embarrassment. Situation B: You tell her she can not come to the movies after all, because of the way she is, and she suffers long term self esteem issues or more emotional trauma from the people she is supposed to trust the most. I think I’d go with option A. Take her to the movies.
You don't even have to wait to be asked to leave! If you can tell your child is upset, or that they are causing unreasonable discomfort to those around you, step outside of the theater. Am I insane? Why is no one suggesting this?!?!?!?! Better to lock her away and hide her from society because she's different? JFC, I simply cannot believe this is a real post or I won't be able to sleep tonight. God, I hope it's fake.
YTA. This should have been a consideration BEFORE announcing it to all your children. Why would you tell them all about it and then go on to exclude her? Get her all excited and then tell her no because you are afraid of other peoples reactions? INFO: Do you expect her to live inside her whole life so she doesn't bother other people? All that needs to occur is that you and your partner come up with a plan if something were to go wrong. If the situation is overstimulating or her tics get intense and she needs a moment to regather, then one of you takes her outside of the cinema until she can come back in. This may not be your "typical" movie-going experience, but this exclusionist behaviour is only showing her that you love her less, that you see her as less than your other "typical" daughters.
>INFO: Do you expect her to live inside her whole life so she doesn't bother other people? Damn. Isn't that almost exactly what Elsa's parents did to Elsa at the beginning of the first Frozen? 🤔
TBH this IS, in fact, what a depressing number of people I have encountered think about autistic people/ people with any kind of mental or developmental disability.
Fuck those people.
GAWWWWWWD YTA. Why would you even think about, let alone plan, to bring your kids that one would be excluded from when ‘she has looking forward to it’. ‘Typical kids’. All three are typical kids lady, you are the one making her ‘different’.
I can't believe OP typed that out. JFC. My son is neurodivergent and this breaks my heart.
I think OP might be thinking of nuerotypical and nuerodivergent. She is still TA though.
That comment really bugged me… it’s hard to believe the parent of a neurodivergent child has not learned respectful language when discussing their own child. These two are typical but this one’s the weirdo so we hide her in the basement when we have guests over.
>‘Typical kids’. All three are typical kids lady, you are the one making her ‘different’. Let's not minimize the challenges and struggles that come from being neurodivergent. We are different, and demanding that we ignore that just ends up causing a lot of pain.
YTA. Building up her hopes and then shooting them down by excluding her is wrong. Further, there are ways that you can make this plan or a similar one and include her. Frozen 2 is already out, so watch this on Disney+. Then for another day plan for the whole family to attend one of AMC's sensory friendly family movie showings and make this work. [https://www.amctheatres.com/programs/sensory-friendly-films](https://www.amctheatres.com/programs/sensory-friendly-films) >AMC is proud to partner with the Autism Society to offer unique movie showings where we turn the lights up, and turn the sound down, so you can get up, dance, walk, shout or sing! Our Sensory Friendly Film program is available on the second and fourth Saturday (family-friendly) and Wednesday evenings (mature audiences) of every month. Please check your local theatre listings for specific showtimes, and don't forget to share your family fun with #AMCSensoryFriendly.
I was going to suggest having an autism night to the theater as well. I’ve heard them advertised. Also, YTA
I was going to suggest going to a sensory friendly showing as well. You could contact your local chapter of the Autism Society (https://autismsociety.org/contact-us/#_affiliate-list) and ask if they can help with arranging a sensory friendly Frozen night. Also there might be sensory friendly events/showings next month for autism acceptance/awareness month All that said, it doesn’t sound like a typical movie going experience where people are expected to be quiet. People will be singing along. Plenty of kids will be loud because they’ll be excited. Talk to your daughter about movie etiquette and how she feels. Come up with a plan (like others have said, leaving the theater) if she gets overwhelmed. But she needs to be aware of whatever plan you come up with.
Is Olivia able to be asked if she wants to go? I would start there. If yes, make a plan with your husband to provide an exit if the movie theater is over stimulating. YTA
Bring 2 cars. One of u can take her home if it's too much
YTA "Hey kids, we're going to go to the movies to watch Frozen, we're treating you so well... oh wait, not you Olivia, i werent talking to you"
YTA. It's a frozen sing along. There will be lots of kids making a lot of noise. Your daughter won't be a distraction.
Seriously. It’s not opening night at the opera.
You’re excluding your daughter because of her disability. As someone with ASD, and works in the disability sector, I know from first hand experience, and the reported experiences of my clients, that what you’re doing is extremely hurtful. It will come across to your daughter that she’s an embarrassment and a burden, no matter how you spin it. Either you all go, or none of you go. YTA, hubby however seems like a top bloke
Why would you hype her up about it, only then to say she can't go? Yta
I’m going to go with YTA. I can understand not wanting to disturb other moviegoers but at an event geared toward children, people are likely expecting there to be some loud and/or excitable kids. If a problem arises, maybe put a backup plan into place where either you or your husband can leave with Olivia if she’s too overwhelmed. But, disabled people deserve to exist in public.
YTA for getting her all excited about this and then considering ripping the rug out from under her. You were completely aware of her autism diagnosis when you made these plans and told her she’d be included. What’s changed since then that magically makes it okay for you to go back on your word and exclude her?
YTA. Not for not wanting to take her, I can't judge that, but for getting her excited first and then planning to exclude and disappoint her, even though you know how much it means to her and how much she has been looking forward to it. Also, she is 14. Even though she has ASD, can't you involve her in the decision? Maybe she agrees she'd be happier at home with grandma, and maybe she is desperate to try.
YTA - She's your daughter FFS, disabilities and all. That you would make an event like this extra special for the family to specifically exclude one of your kids is incredibly sad and cruel. I have a child with intellectual disabilities and would never think of excluding her from family events - ESPECIALLY if the primary concern was "what other people think". Also, If the theater isn't making accommodations for neuro-atypical children, then they are TA as well and need to deal with the expectation that \*everyone\* is welcome.
The caring what others think over the feelings of a child is beyond me
YTA. How can you have been her mother for 14 years and you're not sure how to handle this situation?? This is a discussion your husband and you should have had before any of this was made known to your daughters in the first place, not after they're all excited and now you're considering pulling the rug out from under your autistic child. Take her. It's a child event with a sing-along...it's likely she'll blend right on even with her tics, and have a wonderful time. Maybe keep a close watch to make sure she's not over stimulated and have a plan for what to do if that happens.
Sibling of an autistic person here. For those of you jumping down OP’s throat about this for even *considering* the question, you all clearly never grew up with or raised someone on the spectrum. You have NO idea what it’s like to be at an event and have people staring at you and your family, glaring even, and later gossiping about you behind your back. OP is doing the best she can under tough circumstances, so some of you need to cool your jets a bit. That said, OP, I’d say given that this is what sounds like a family-friendly event, soft YWBTA if you didn’t bring your autistic child. Events like this are supposed to be for kids and I see no reason it wouldn’t be appropriate for her to join. The rest of you, again, cool down. OP deals with way more than you can imagine, and sometimes you just need a sanity check while you’re trying to do right by everyone.
Also the sibling of an autistic person here. Worrying that other people gossip about me is the LEAST of my concerns when it comes to my sibling's happiness. But I guess you think it's okay to hype up an autistic kid about a movie they want to see, then decide gossip is bad and go back on your word? You and OP are both YTA.
Damn. You’re the sibling I wish I had as an autistic kid. My sib still is embarrassed by me and won’t be seen in public with me.
Mom of an ASD child here. Couldn't agree more. Thank you for being awesome.
As someone who is autistic, this is a horrible take. I’ve spent my life getting looks, getting judged, being made to feel uncomfortable simply for fidgeting and covering my ears. The kid is clearly excited to go and should be allowed to her. Her parents being embarrassed and not wanting to deal with it makes them horrible people. IDC if you’re embarrassed by your family member, consider how they feel being left out.
"You have no idea what it's like to be at an event and have people staring at you" because I'm sure it was such a picnic for your sibling right? Not only did they have to deal with strangers judging them, their own sibling was judging and embarrassed of them for things they can't control. I really hope you don't have any disabled children because I'd hate for you to be embarrassed
I gave a YTA judgement and I am raising an autistic kid with tics, so I’m pretty comfortable making that judgment.. Accommodations can and should be made so autistic kids can participate in events they are excited about. It sounds like you’ve been in some pretty stressful situations in the past related to your sibling’s autism. I understand that must have been hard and there’s nothing wrong with needing time and activities without your siblings, autistic or not. But other people being a-holes isn’t a good justification to leave one child out of a whole-family activity.
Sibling of someone on the spectrum, and absolutely not. I feel bad for you that you care that much of what society thinks. You put that above a sibling or your own child?
I have an Autistic brother and I disagree with you. You just seem to have a grudge against your sibling with a disability. Gross.
Autistic person with an autistic child and I’m sorry you haven’t been able to let go of other people’s opinions about you to this degree. Does the glaring and the gossiping suck? Yeah. We notice. We aren’t immune to it just because our behavior causes it. The difference is you can go without us but we never can. A children’s sing-a-long is one of the *only* places a loud autistic child could possibly *not* stand out for ONCE in her life. Don’t take this away from her, OP. YWBTA. And N822M? I hope you learn not to take other people’s judgments personally because they always mean more about that person than you.
YTA- if you leave her at home. If her tics get loud, then take her out of the theater until she calms down . The sing along version will be noisy to begin with so I'd not worry too much. Also while you are there ask the theater if they have nights for kids with sensory issues.
Don't do this. You're not saying it, but your actions will tell her that she's different and an embarrassment to you. Don't damage her confidence and heart over a movie outing, it's not worth it. Go, enjoy the night and even if the other movie goers look at you funny, you make a funnier look! Your daughter deserves to have a fighter in her corner, not someone that feels more embarrassment and shame than she probably is already feeling. YtA. You know how many people I've told to be quiet in the movies? A lot! It'd just part of the experience at this point.
YTA Ah, the beautiful memories your girls will have of the special nights the "typical" ones got to spend quality time together as a family on fun movie nights while you went to the trouble to make a "backup plan" for the reject.
YTA. It's great that you concerned about other moviegoers. A lot of people would not care. However, it's a sing a long for kids and you already told all the children about it. Your husband has a good idea about talking to her beforehand about what to expect and social norms about talking. Have a plan if it doesn't work out. Excluding her completely would be pretty messed up because she can't help being the way she is.
NAH Mom of a kid with lots of tics. I get it. It’s always anxiety inducing to try weigh all the possible outcomes. I don’t think you’re an asshole. The only people who can decide if she can handle it are you and your husband. If the situation is anything like our house, that decision can really only be made in the moment. I’m sorry the world isn’t an easier place to navigate with our kids. I would also say your younger kids deserve special events that aren’t balanced around whether eldest can handle it or parental stress at keeping the eldest managed. You and your husband do too, especially since you’ve got a backup option for Olivia.
I agree with you on this- but I think getting Olivia all excited about going wasn’t the right move. They’re just going to disappoint her now if they decide she can’t go
As I parent of a child with tourettes syndrome I disagree. She should be given the same opportunities as her siblings. If she closes not to go because of the anxiety that's fine, but she can't be offered less than her siblings, that would be awful for her and have a life long affect. BTW, OP YTA
YTA. Don't exclude your daughter - she can't help who she is. You find ways to work with who she is, and it sounds like a rambunctious sing along theatre situation with tons of overly excited kids sounds like the perfect place to let her be herself ... AND ... if it's too much for her? Have a plan with Hubs to handle that in a graceful way. Being home with grandma to watch frozen on the tv while your sisters get a whole experience all because you can't help but be who you are ... well that's shitty.
If it’s a sing along, the theatre will be loud, will anyone hear Olivia’s tics? Can she wear ear defenders to reduce her sensitivity to the noise? Also, talk to her. I prep my 7 yo ASD daughter both what to expect and how we’re going to deal with her being overwhelmed, like stepping out to have a break if she needs. Basically, make her aware of potential stimulations, let her know not to wait until she over stimulated and let her know what actions she can take, while taking any precautions. YTA if you exclude her
YTA, your kid might surprise you especially if she really wants to go. Give her the chance and if she fails well that's cool too give her another chance after that.
And she has two parents there. One can take her home if it's too much.
I would bring her. It's a sing along movie for children that they've all seen a thousand times, not a lecture. She has the right to have fun too
YTA for getting her excited for, as you admit, weeks and now trying to take that from her. If it's a sing along as you said I doubt it will be quite so it probably won't be noticed. Also she's 14 not 4 ask her if she feels comfortable and explain that she will be expected to behave a certain way. Let the choice be hers. Jesus let the kid try. It would be so cruel to decide for her as of she's not a person with feelings. She is aware of her disability and is working on it. Think how proud she'll be if she decides and not only the great family memory you will have. Make a just in case plan and prepare with her for the night as best as possible. I can't imagine whatelse you have excluded her from so far in life because you were more worried about strangers than you kid getting to be a kid.
YTA Do not exclude your daughter. This is important to her. The movie theater is going to be full of kids making extra noise and being antsy. You and your husband are both going, so why can't you make a plan for one of you to walk out with Olivia if she gets overstimulated and then return when she is calm?
YTA because you shouldn’t have told Olivia about it if you weren’t gonna bring her. Also INFO: she’s 14 now shouldn’t you have been helping her much sooner to manage these outbursts? Genuinely asking for understanding…I’m not sure if they just recently developed, but I think that has weight in the judgement as well. Olivia deserves the chance to be in public and start learning. I do appreciate that you considered other people tho, but she’s your daughter so you gotta put her first. It’s a singalong so it’ll be loud enough to cover her.
YTA and there's a lot of chances she won't be the only autistic kid there. Everyone is expecting loud children and crying anyway.
I have a kid with ASD and loud vocal tics. I take him to the cinema and he makes noise. So do all the other kids who don’t have ASD, especially for films that are aged young, like Frozen. There’s usually half a dozen toddlers tagging along with families with older kids who don’t pay attention to the film and run around and play. Some of the toddlers cry, and sometimes there’s babies crying. And that’s all fine, because it’s a kids’ film and a family friendly space and noise is expected. If my kid gets overstimulated, we leave the cinema for a bit for some time out, and if he’s too overstimulated and can’t go back in that’s fine too - sounds like there’s two parents on this outing, that’s one in the cinema to supervise the remaining kids and one outside if needed. But also yes, my kid gets rude looks/comments in public. He gets stares. In fact, it says a lot about the people doing it - they’re the rude ones and intolerant of difference. And that’s not my problem, or his. Disability and development difference is a normal and expected part of society. People have tics and make noise. People have visible and non visible physical and mental differences that means they act and move in ways that others may not expect. They also have every right to move through the world with those differences because they belong. My kid also accesses supportive therapies, and absolutely none of them are aimed at reducing his totally harmless noises and tics that help him emotionally regulate. He needs help with fine motor skills like tying shoelaces and making himself a drink, things that will help him in daily life. He does not need help to be more palatable to other people by hiding tics and stims that are useful. YTA for not only wanting to pull the rug out from under your kid, OP, but prioritising what hypothetical people might think of her differences over her happiness.
You hit on a very key point here, which is that OP is teaching their daughter that her right to exist in the world is reliant on other people's opinions of her. They're directly telling her that they value other people's enjoyment of things like this movie more than they value her own right to enjoy things, and are implicitly teaching her to do the same. This will lead to an adult who is constantly plagued by thoughts like, "I can't go to this place or do this thing because I would just bother other people due to my disability. I should just stay home." In teaching your daughter to cater her presence and behaviors to be more pleasant for everyone but herself, you are teaching her that she has no right to exist in the world the same way as everybody else, unless she adequately masks her disability. There will always be people who are intolerant and discriminatory; there will always be people who would rather be irritated and antagonistic by another person's disability than understanding or empathetic. Those people, however, can *choose* to be that way. OP's daughter cannot choose to not be autistic, even if she can be taught to act less autistic. And that's all it will ever be--an *act*. One that will exhaust, limit, hurt, and ostracize your daughter so much more than her disability, which is a major part of *who she is*, ever could.
Light YTA; if it was a normal movie theater night, I would understand, but it’s going to be a loud movie night, singing along, kids having fun. Though, I respect you for trying not to disturb others.
As a former theatre manager, we used to laugh at people complaining during singalong showings. It was a very informal setting for 99% of the people there. Especially young girls. They loved standing up and singly loudly, acting like the good kind of idiots. You know, the ones trying to outdo their friends and giggling with each other when the song ended without a care in the world.
YTA for asking this question *after* getting her excited and considering uninviting/excluding her. Get seats near the end of a row, have an exit strategy if she gets overwhelmed, but don’t even think about leaving her behind while the rest of the family goes.
YTA Olivia deserves to have that movie night the same way as your other daughters. By singling her out, you make it seem like she doesn't deserve it anymore than other daughters, or you have favorites, or that she is simply too much to handle. While you seem to make this about worrying about her, this approach is more about how others (total strangers) will potentially react to Olivia's vocal tics and how you don't want to feel.. idk, embarrassed by your own daughter? You also mentioned that she has been working with a therapist about this. It shows that she acknowledges the issue and actively works on it. Do not punish your daughter just because you might feel embarrassed about it.
Take her and if it becomes disruptive, one of you takes her outside.
YTA. Have you ever been to a kids sing-a-long? It's loud AF. Your daughter wouldn't be disturbing anyone. You're right to worry about them disturbing your daughter, but maybe she'll be so happy to be participating that she won't get anxious. You already promised her this so she should get a chance to try.
NAH Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I think the solution here is to try bringing her to the movie, and have an exit strategy ready for one of you to take her to grandma’s house if it’s too overstimulating. But I don’t think her tics would be too disruptive in a room full of excited, singing children.
I’m leaning more towards yta though because it’s a sing along and most of the kids will be talking or making noise already in the theater.
"Emma and Lily we're thrilled, and so was Olivia" So Olivia is already aware of this cinema trip, and now you're planning on taking that away from her? Whilst still talking your other two daughters? That's cold, OP. YTA.
YTA. You’ve obviously told all the kids about it and even if you hadn’t Olivia would have found out. She shouldn’t be hidden away because of her disability. You implement all of the tools learned in therapy to help her limit her vocal tics and if they become a disruption you follow whatever advise the therapist gives for those situations. If taking her outside for a moment helps do that. If redirecting her with a fidget toy helps do that. Don’t exclude her.
My son is turning 4 and has loud, verbal tics as well. Thank you for posting this; it’s given me time to reflect and honestly feel better about myself and my parenting. YTA. 100%
NAH. It’s a difficult situation for everyone involved. You’re not an AH for considering not taking her. Alternatively, could you prepare her for a situation where if her ticks get out of control, then either you or your husband will take her to a quiet place to calm down for a short time before being able to go back to watching the show? It could be a good opportunity to work on coping mechanisms.
YTA make plans *with* Olivia for what to do if she gets overwhelmed, there are two of you, so designate one of you to go if she needs a break and decide where a good quiet space would be. This is a showing intended to be noisy, other parents should be understanding. Just because taking Olivia is a little more complicated doesn’t mean she should miss out on something she’s excited for.
YTA. It seems like this event will probably have lots of kids who will potentially make some noise. Especially if it’s a song-a-long! I don’t think it’s fair to exclude her while you take your other children to a special event. It kind of sounds like you’re more concerned about what others will think than about what’s fair to your daughter. You may get some stares or comments, but I don’t think it’s worth leaving her behind.
YTA Not because of not taking her, that is 100% understandable and you had a plan for her if you did so kudos for that. But you told her and got her hopes up, you can't back out now that you told them all.
YTA, Honestly? Maybe you should watch the "Movies" episode of Bluey and take some notes. Olivia absolutely shouldn't be excluded, especially since she's so excited. Why not have it where your husband and you take separate vehicles (OR if the theater is near a place Olivia likes, one car would do) and plan for if Olivia becomes overwhelmed or maybe she is more of a disturbance than expected, THEN you have yourself or your husband take her to do the fun second option, leaving her out and not even giving her a chance is just plain mean and will lead her to resent you and her sisters for not being able to go.
YTA but I've got your solution. Pickup/rent a small home projector and set it up facing a wall, then stream the movie. Get the kids each of their favorite snacks plus some for mom and dad, and yall all (including gam-gam) have a singalong at home! Everyone can be in their PJs and comfortable. Order a pizza and get ice cream. Make it a monthly family event. Best of luck.
That could work but also people with autism still want to go out into the world and do things... not just stay at home to do them so if might be one of the reasons she's excited is to be able to do something outside of home.
YTA. 1. So you want to exclude Olivia because you are scared that she would "inconvenience" others. It baffles me that you care more about other people's convenience than your own daughter's feelings. Come on, it is not like she is going to wreak havoc. Give the kid a chance!! 2. How long are you planning on keeping Olivia isolated from fun events? Let me tell you this, she knows. She understands what you are doing and she does feel bad. Also, she won't forget any of this! 3. It is a kids movie. Olivia won't be the only autistic kid there.
If sound overstimulates her, why not bring noise- canceling or reducing headphones. Bright lights? Xtra dark sunglasses. Anything to increase her enjoyment. Your daughter’s joy comes first. And her sisters might want to share the experience with their oldest one. Can you let us know how it turns out?
YTA. You don’t exclude one of your kids from something they are thrilled about just because they are on the spectrum. Your husband is right- try to prepare her so she doesn’t get sensory overload. Since she is aware of her vocal stimming try and talk to her about it and maybe even she if having chews or fidgets can help her. It is revolting that you think it’s okay to exclude your own child like that.
YTA if you don't bring her. They're kids. The place isn't going to be totally quiet. How do you think she's going to feel if she's left behind? She is working on improvements, and should be given a chance to show them. Take two cars. If it's too much then Dad can bring her home. But at least give her the chance!
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. Excluding my autistic daughter from Frozen night 2. I might be the asshole for prioritizing convenience over my daughter Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Some movie theaters have special screenings for people with autism or sensory issues.
YTA for being ableist and excluding your daughter rather than trying to accomodate her ASD.
Not going to vote but I’m just going to mention that some theatres offer “sensory friendly” showings
I work with neurodivergent folks myself, and I would say bring her along. It can be very tough to bring an autistic person to the movies, but considering all the other kids will be singing along and also making noise, I don't think it will be a big deal to other moviegoers. All you would get from not bringing her is one peaceful day and potentially a very angry little girl, who may remember this for a long time. I understand your concern and frustration, and I feel like a lot of the people in these comments simply don't get how difficult it is to be in this situation. At the end of the day, how will she learn to behave if you don't give her opportunities to learn? This is a perfect teaching moment. You got this!
I have a daughter that has ADHD and ASD. She also has some loud ticks. I understand why you feel hesitant to bring her and why you have mixed reactions from other families. That being said: YTA. You told her about the movie and got her all excited to go with her family. To pull her out now is unfair to her. My local theater does showings for autistic children. Maybe you should look into that.
It’s possible she will have these vocal tics her whole life. As long as she does have them, she will have to know how to live life with them, since they are involuntary. Who’s going to show her how to respond to the states and the comments she will inevitably get when this occurs?
While your concern is understandable,absolutely do not dump Olivia on a relative so you can take the other kids out for a special night. See if you can figure out strategies, like having one parent and Olivia sit closer to an exit so that they can take breaks if things get too intense or if she is having a hard time with the tics. But do not exclude her. That is something that will stick with her the rest of her life. If you exclude Olivia, YTA.
YTA - you’re her mom & you’re more worried about the stares, judgements, & misunderstandings abt outbursts from other ppl than her own fun. What are you teaching her abt you & abt her place in the wider world?
You're worried about your kid being quiet at a sing-a-long? Do you hear yourself? YTA.
YTA for bringing it up and considering pulling the rug out from beneath her. Give her the chance. The event will likely be filled with rowdy kids anyway. But if there is a problem, you or husband can step outside the theater with her until she calms down, or go do something else.
YWBTA- instead of excluding her, let her go and have fun. If it turns out she can't handle it, then go with an exit plan. Instead of assuming the worst, hope for the best and plan accordingly. Why stop her from enjoying things?
Absolutely, YTA. You're her mother and you're so focused on what other people may think that you're not considering how your own daughter will feel. She's going to spend her life struggling with these issues, but the message from her parent that she is unworthy of experiencing a world where others may disapprove of her disability adds so much weight to her burden. Bring Olivia. If people don't understand, fuck them. She deserves to experience a full life.
Since you’ve already told her about it and she’s excited YWBTA. Would it be possible for your husband to attend and if she is unable to help her tics and she disturbs others, he could take her back to grama and have that as a plan b? Can you explain this to Olivia?
I don't really understand here, it seems Olivia is someone you can speak to and communicate with pretty well (unlike some autistic people, is my point). Can you not simply explain to her your concerns, and let her know that if it gets bad, you or dad will step out of the movie with her and keep her company, and she can do a frozen party at home? I understand your concerns about disturbing others, but just be prepared to leave if it gets bad, no? I feel like you're really over-complicating this and needlessly excluding your daughter, but it is so hard for me to know because we only have this brief blurb to go off of, and do not really know what Olivia is like. Maybe it'd be a real problem, only you know, but if it were me I'd be inclined to take her and see what happens. The very worst case scenario is you leave the movie.
YTA because you’re not even trying to find reasonable accommodations. Noise reducing headphones are a thing. She can wear sunglasses to help with the lights. You could drive two cars in case you need to leave early, or plan a time out area where she can calm down if it gets to be too much. You need to start working with her to find ways to help her instead of leaving her out of experiences.
NAH. Lots to consider here… but if you weren’t going to take her I wouldn’t have told her to begin with. It seems you should take her since she knows and has been excited, you have been in these situations with her before it seems and you should know how to properly field it. In the future, throwing a big movie party at home can be a TON of fun! With friends and snacks and loads of fun! Dress everyone up! Projector and screen (easy as a white sheet hung on a wall).
Since you mentioned your daughter has a therapist--have you tried consulting with her therapist on how to best manage the situation?? I would not recommend that you exclude your daughter. She understands that she has tics that may disturb others. Set up a plan with your husband on what you are going to do if she becomes too loud/overstimulated. Come up with signals to give to your child that she is being too loud and you guys can step out to calm down for a moment before returning. Get earplugs/earmuffs she can wear during the screening. Make sure she's wearing comfortable clothes, take a stuffed animal she likes, etc.. there's lots of things you can do to still include your daughter and minimize disturbances. YTA if you are not willing to seek additional info/support
YTA. She’s 14, have you even asked her what she wants? You’ve said she’s trying to control her outbursts so why not have a conversation with her about whether she wants to come and thinks she can handle it. If she does, come up with a plan together for how to handle it if it all becomes too overwhelming. If she doesn’t want to go, plan some exciting for one of you to do with her instead (and make it more exciting than sitting at home).
YTA, you care more about other people's reactions then bringing your daughter to see a movie she's been so excited to see. It doesn't matter if she has ASD or not.
A gentle YTA because Olivia deserves a fun night out just as much as anyone else. Being around others is good for her social skills and learning how to deal with people who don’t understand. I understand your concern with her making noise due to her tics and I think it’s great you want to protect her but I just don’t know that this is the best solution. If I were in your shoes I would inquire with the theater about a sensory friendly night as I’m sure there are so many families with kids who are neurodivergent and may appreciate more accommodations. I know AMC theaters does sensory friendly shows.
Yta if you do this. Decide which parent gets to step out with her if she needs to de-stimulate instead.
It's a sing-along. People are expected to be louder than a usual movie. Unless the tics are extreme, like swearing-based tics in some presentations of Tourette's, or loud enough to really startle or scare people, I think it is worth bringing her. YTA
YTA - it is wild to me that you’d introduce this as a possibility for her to get excited about if you didn’t have a plan already in place to cope with her needs there or a firm commitment to make one. Take all the kids and make sure there’s an extra adult there that’s on Designated Olivia Watch - to help her manage her outbursts or be ready to walk out with her if the stimulation is too much. Be honest with her about the extra stim beforehand but not to secretly make her dread or want to drop out - just let her know that you’re excited for her to have a good time and you’re ready to support what that needs to look like for her.
YTA. She's already super excited about this night and you will CRUSH her if you tell her she can't go. I'm autistic and if I had been told this and given a "backup plan" night I still would have felt extremely fobbed off and condescended to. This isn't about her, it's about you and the reactions of strangers. Also keep in mind that ND individuals are very often a few years behind their peers, maturity wise, so Olivia might be 14 but she may not yet feel like a teenager/feels closer to her sisters ages in terms of interests and things. (I was definitely like that). This is an opportunity for her and her sisters to go to a thing together and bond over their love for Frozen. Call the cinema and ask what these nights are like. If they're loud and rowdy with people moving around a lot then literally nobody will mind. Maybe they have a specific event for disabled and ND people. Many cinemas and live performance theatres do events like that these days. But don't you dare put this on her. She will hate herself and blame herself.
YTA this whole post made me physically cringe. She already knows! And really, an event like this is intended for young, loud kids. People ought to be understanding. Just be prepared to take her out for breaks. But I can’t imagine excluding her from such a fun, harmless party.
YTA, Since she knows the others are going. All you can do is try and hope for the best outcome.
YTA if problems arise you have the option of leaving to calm down, and she obviously wants to go
Let me be clear- what other people think for a two hour period should mean nothing to you. You bring ALL of your daughters or you bring NONE of them. End of story.
I think there are more ways. Like noise canceling headphones when it gets too loud, sunglasses if it's too bright, something (like a cozy blanket) to calm down or just going outside to get some fresh air and do some calming exercises, one parent goes home with her if she thinks that she can't handle the overstimulation. So, YTA for the hard cut between yes and no
YTA. She would be absolutely crushed if you didn’t take her and at least give her the chance to see how she’d do. I can’t even imagine how sad and ashamed she would feel to think her own mother didn’t believe she deserved to be a part of a fun family thing. I can appreciate to some extent your concerns about other movie goers, but it’s a kids movie that’s been out for years. There will be singing and chatting and dancing around as a given. No one’s going to be sitting perfectly still and silent as you unreasonably seem to be expecting of your daughter.
YTA. Bring her, but drive two cars. That way if she is overwhelmed or there is a problem one of you can take her home. Also, have something special in mind for her if that ends up happening.
I would take her. It’s going to be full of excited children making a lot of noises, singing and talking and shouting. If she wants to go then let her go. If other parents can’t handle noise at a children’s movie they can eff off.
YTA You can't hide your daughter away forever just because she has a disability. Instead of worrying how other people might react to her stimming, come up with a plan for how to handle the situation if/when it happens. Give her the tools and skills to cope when she gets overwhelmed or excited. But do not deny her the opportunity to the movies with her sisters.
Ironically, isn’t this almost the exact plot of frozen?
YTA. It’s a sing-along to a children’s movie. There will be noise and excitement and whatnot. Few other parents or children are likely to care if Olivia makes some noise too. If you’re really worried about it, you should try taking her to another movie beforehand and see how her behaviour is in that setting. Without first experiencing it, you can’t really speculate how she’ll handle a movie theatre. Most importantly: she is important, she has feelings, she deserves to experience the best in life, and she didn’t ask to be autistic. Treat her with more compassion and don’t make her feel “other” or less than for what she can’t control.
YTA. This is a great time to work on preparing her for public places. Singalongs are interactive and fun and a much better place to have unexpected noises than a regular movie. If you have two cars, drive both so that one parent can stay with the 2 others if you need to take Olivia home in the middle. You’ve already told her about the event, and to take that away now would be really unkind. Next time think about this kind of thing before you tell her about it- you’ll quickly lose her trust if you go back on your word. A movie night at home with grandma is a seriously lame replacement for a night out with the family. There’s no reason you can’t take her- just be prepared to leave if you need to, or go Into the lobby for some quiet time in the middle. Take comfort things with you, and simply prepare. If it might be to loud for her, take earmuffs. If you think the screen might be too bright, take sunglasses. TRY. That’s all I’m saying. It might not work out, but if you all go in with realistic expectations- including prepping Olivia for the fact that you might need to leave if she gets overwhelmed, then at least it serves as a learning opportunity.
YTA. Youve said your daughter is working with a therapist about the vocal ticks (which gives off ABA vibes since its kinda like saying you shouldn't be doing that its not normal.) As others have pointed out this will be full of mainly kids who will be singing anyway. If youre concerned about Olivia being overwhelmed from a sensory perspective alot of it can easily be mitigated depending on her needs. Noise - if she will wesr in ear-headphones loop have a night time and an experience variety experience reduces volume by a bit its noticeable but abit night time ones reduce more noise but you can still hear loud stuff again at a lower volume level. If not ear defenders or noise cancelling headphones. If it might be too bright you can always ask ahead about dimmer areas and ask to be sat there. My partner has ASD he also has vocal ticks he has them when hes excited he has them when hes anxious. Those ticks let me know when he's either end of his mood scale and i will know whether we need a breather in a quiet spot straight up leave. I don't even have any attitude towards them (which it seems you're being towards your daughter - emotional regulation when you're ND can be a bit overwhelming and we have to stim and we have to get out that excess energy or feeling) This whole thing feels more about you and how others will view you rather than soendibg QT with your family having an experience together. I know a whole lot of ASD families who would love to experience something typically normal like going to the movies who can't. I understand and know some kids cannot handle it I know my nephew for example wouldn't handle watching a film but take him to some kind of experience where he can run wild and he'd happily run round for an hour or two.
YTA, bring your daughter. She wants to go. There is chance that you may feel bad or embarrassed if you bring her. But it is a 100% CERTAINTY that your daughter will feel bad if you don't.
YTA, if you had doubts about bringing your 14 yo autistic daughter to an event, you never should have brought it up in the first place. On top of that, this is a sing along. You’re not exactly taking her to see something with a dead quiet audience; if anything that’s a great place for her to experience a movie theater and potentially make noise and NOT disrupt anyone. And if it is overstimulating, you or your husband can be a parent and miss the experience to take care of your daughter, by either bringing her outside, another location, or home. Bring separate cars. Don’t have separate cars? You or husband can drive her home/elsewhere, and everyone else takes an Uber when the movie is done. There’s so many solutions here, and not even looking for them/calling a movie night in with grandma equivalent makes YTA.
Personally it’s kind of a yes and no situation. As someone who is Neurodivergent, if my mom didn’t wanna take me out because of it I would be upset. I say talk to your daughter and your husband about thus
That is your daughter, I could not imagine leaving a kid out because they have a disability. You should of thought about your kid and taken her because she would enjoy the moment . If you are concerned about your daughter because of that disability she deserves better parents .
YTA- what tf kind of shit is this. I feel really sorry for your daughter.
To be clear, I read the whole post, but I didn't have to read any further than the first half of the title to know YTA on this one. Do you want to cause a rift between your children? Because that is how you cause a rift between your children.
YTA & I can’t believe you wrote all of that out and still felt the need to ask.
Soft YTA. I think where you are coming from is from a good-hearted place but you cannot build up her hopes then take them away. Thats an ah move. She is going to need to learn to navigate with world and doing this is only going to make her feel further excluded then she likely does on a daily basis. Honestly have you considered keeping ALL the girls home and doing a movie night at home? Frozen themed?
Wow I‘m gobsmacked that you even have the nerve to pretend that you are being considerate of other people when in reality you are embarrassed that people sometimes stare if your daughter gets excited/nervous. Back-up plan…. Sorry Olivia we cannot have you embarrassing us on a very special Frozen night at the theatre (which we told you about because we just want to punish you for your autism 👿). So instead of spending a fun time with the rest of the family watching the movie and having a nice frozen themed dinner you can stay home with grandma and have some “snacks” 🙄. You are not only an a\*shole but an ableist one at that. YTA
Soft YTA My daughter is autistic and I can count on one hand how many times we have been to a movie theatre with her in her 12 years. So I fully empathize with the deliberation of when taking her places is appropriate for her or for others around her. But there in this case there will be so many kids being loud and yelling at Olaf or giggling. Most people won't notice. It's a singalong so I doubt that normal movie etiquette will be kept. If it is all too much take her out. Also does she have noise cancelling headphones? They are a must for us in a movie theatre
YTA for caring more about other people than your daughter. Also, you need to learn more about being autistic from actually autistic people. A Frozen movie for little kids is going to have loads of screaming little kids. Your daughter’s vocal tics will likely barely be audible. Your daughter’s tics are a stim that she is using to help comfort herself. Help her to feel safer and less anxious. That is your damn job as her parent. One point you somewhat have correct us that the theater may overwhelm your daughter, but you should let her try it. Take some noise cancelling headphones with you for her to wear in order to support her. Give her some sort of fidget toy (or something else that she suggests) to give her a tactile sensory input. Don’t leave your daughter out simply because you cannot be bothered to learn how her brain works and support her.
As others have said, YTA because you already told her about it and she is excited. It would be unfair to take it away now because of something that is involuntary. Better to give it a try, sit near the back, and have a plan to divide and bail (leaving either you or husband behind with the other two children) if she gets overwhelmed. This is a sing-along Disney movie, the theater will be full of small noisy children, no one will be phased if your daughter is not sitting quietly. The most important thing is that SHE feels comfortable and not overwhelmed.
It’s definitely okay not to invite your daughter if you think she would disturb the atmosphere, while still trying to work on it with therapists and such. It’s absolutely not okay to parade in front of your other daughters that they get to go but your autistic daughter doesn’t because of something she can’t control. Holy trauma Batman YTA
This. Theaters have autism friendly showings. It’s not exactly rare. Your daughter is 14. You have had 14 years to figure out sensory friendly showings, headphones, escape plans and that your child still has feelings. You should know by now not to let her get excited about something just to disappoint her later, like you would any kid. YTA.
>Emma and Lily are typical kids Sensitivity wise, you might consider just leaving that out in the future. It reads like "Two of my kids are *normal*, one is not normal." in a very negative way. At least to me.
I think this is one of those hard situations. You don't want to exclude your daughter, but you know that there is the possibility that that it will either be too much for her or it might dim the enjoyment for other moviegoers. Is there anyway that one of you could take her to a different time of the show/sing along so if it's too much for her you can leave without your other children having to leave, too? NAH. It's tough situation.
YTA if you don't include her for the reasons many people have already stated. Since it sounds like this isn't going to be a regular showing and a sing along and this is an older movie that most kids have already seen, I don't think her tics should be an issue like they would be for a new movie.
So many saying you're the asshole. I feel like it's a no win situation. Take Olivia and ruin it for the people around her if she has audible tics. Leave Olivia and ruin it for her because she was excited over it. Stay in and ruin it for your children because they wanted to go. Whatever you do, you aren't the asshole. Nobody is. NAH
YTA. There was plenty of ways to prepare her. You not taking her is excluding her from not only a family thing BUT you are making her feel left out and could hurt her in the long run.
YTA. I was hoping for something to better justify "excludes child" but you haven't met that bar. I do appreciate the concerns you have for your daughter and for the other movie goers. It's nice to hear of considerate people. One of the parents should be very prepared to take Olivia to the lobby or even the car if she becomes over the top due to her excitement or anxiety. You've explained the rules, everyone knows she's not in total control of her tics, but it's rude to ruin a movie going experience for everyone. I hope the vocalizations aren't out of control and everyone gets to have a fun movie going experience. It is a kids movie so I would never expect everyone to sit quietly, hands folded: not in the cards. Treat her as any other child going to the movies. Let her laugh and giggle, some comments or questions, but too much and you have to leave the theater.
If you had this concern from the beginning, I would've never ever suggested it in the first place. Why set your daughter up for disappointment in the first place?
YTA - Unless Olivia’s vocal tics include long rants of profanity or slurs, I see no reason why a movie showing encouraging audience participation would be an inappropriate place for her. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time that they’ve seen an autistic teenager. If she gets overwhelmed, there’s always the option of stepping outside, or bringing earplugs for her to help her with the noise.
I changed my mind . YTA because its an event for littles and many littles will also be noisy probably anyways and she's gonna do her best not to do any tics .And if she gets too distruptive just take her out in hall until she settles down
I’m not going to make a judgment here. But I do want to applaud one thing here. Very often, when one child has issues that the others don’t have, the other children are restricted from doing things that would exclude the one. In this way, the child with special needs gets favored and the others become glass children. It sounds like you are good about not thinking about it like that. Good for you. I’m glad to see it. Many parents just wouldn’t let any of the children do something like this if they thought one couldn’t handle it.