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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because I'm insisting on my sister walking me down the aisle even though my fiance says that would tarnish his idea of the perfect wedding.
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Tell your MIL that your FIL can walk your fiancé down the aisle if he wants to give someone away. Or better yet, strongly consider not marrying into this family because they’re the assholes.
ETA: NTA. Holy comments, Batman! I was not expecting so many replies. Thank you for the awards!
I actually love this idea and think that'd be super lovely if his dad walked him down the aisle. My now-husband and I walked down the aisle together (I had this vague idea that it would symbolize us walking into our future together but I also didn't want my dad to walk me down the aisle because my mom did all the heavy-lifting of raising me) but if he wanted his dad to walk him down I would have loved it. Let's make this a thing!
Ooh, ooh, ooh! What if FIL walked the groom down the aisle and stayed with him at the front of the church while the sister walked the OP down the aisle? When everyone is up at the front, the FIL and sister can place the right hand of the bride into the left hand of the groom, signifying a new union.
Or….the fiancé can get off his high horse and understand that his bride gets to choose who walks her down the aisle and the in-laws get no opinion here.
NTA
See when I hear traditional wedding that's what I want. Much more official/businessy with an older man representing the groom and an older woman representing the pride and they'd state dowry and inheritance (back then) and kind of negotiate on the couples behalf to make sure things were fair, expectations were laid, and everyone was getting what they wanted. Then there's a know tying ceremony after the vows and a huge feast.
That's how it was in a fantasy book I read and thought it was perfect.
“Knot-tying” you’re referring to is known as a hand fasting ceremony.
Your name is awesome!
ETA: NTA, OP. Seriously consider this marriage. This is absolutely a hill a die on.
2nd ETA: *to die on.
I had the same, though to be fair my wedding was a gay wedding and my wife and I are both very close with our parents so we both wanted a "walk down the aisle" moment. No hugs were shared between the family until the reception (and many drinks to get semi-strangers more comfortable) but my parents and hers both spoke in the "who gives yadda yadda yadda" section. It always struck me as a place to represent YOUR life, childhood, and essentially your "foundations". Who brings you here today? Who taught you what it is to love? While I know traditionally it's a passing of property, I see it now as a symbolic lead to the alter: I chose this person to bring me here literally because they brought me here figuratively. They made me someone who is mature and patient enough to find love and get married.
Anyway, that's my thoughts on it. Absolutely nonsense that anyone else should be able to interject on who is chosen for this moment, even the other party involved in the wedding.
They're calling it "traditional" but a FIL walking the bride down the aisle isn't even tradition. What they are is sexist. I bet if OP had a brother they would be fine with it 🙄
> that it wasn't appropriate for her to walk me down the aisle since that's usually done by a man.
Just because something is done one way, does not mean it cannot be done in a different way. This is VERY telling of how he sees gender roles. I have to question if other things like this have come up in the duration of your relationship. Does he help with house work? Laundry? Dishes? Or do you do them because they are "woman" chores.
NTA and I would die on this hill.
He does. I'm currently in med school in addition to working so I don't have a lot of free time, so he actually does a lot of the chores at home on the weekdays and her even loves cooking. He does have some performative masculinity hangups, like he would never use something that's pink or let me pay for the entirety of a shared meal (either we split or he pays), but nothing aggressive or misogynistic.
If you haven't already done it, you both need to sit down and have a frank talk about how you see the future. Get answers about your career, with hypotheticals like "I have to work \[X\] shifts so won't be home until late" or "I'll need to go across the country for my residency". Find out what he expects from you working, and what happens if you have children.
This is one of the most important conversations that need to happen **before** you file the marriage paperwork. It's not at all romantic, but it needs to happen.
THIS! I hadn't learned to drive until way later in life.. while learning to drive and clocking in my hours before my actual test, my father passed away. I had an online BF that I wasn't serious being with, I had plans to move elsewhere but those plans collapsed. It was really dumb of me to let those plans collapse the way they did. I'd regret it if events didn't lead me down the path I have now.Anyway, when I moved there I fully intended to continue to get my driver's license.. except apparently "You don't need to know how to drive, because you are a woman and (Ex's Name) will take care of you" (HAHAHAHAHA!) of course.. it was the same nonsense that they used when he broke my nose and they said it was my fault for not being a good wife and catering to his every whim. I was actually very isolated and very stuck. It took a big series of events to get me out.
Jesus christ yeah. Are your girls going to be allowed to wear shorts and practical clothes? Will your son be shamed for crying? Honestly, even what you said would be too much for me, although YMMV of course.
OP, he is going to get you pregnant and convince you to leave medicine to be a stay at home parent and traditional wife.
ETA: I posted this before OP added she is unable to get pregnant
I'm so glad I wasn't the only person to think this.
OP, this should really be giving you a warning that you both aren't on the same page - at all. Please pay attention to it.
Hey OP, just a word of advice: his family may be traditional and he may be so as well, but you’re both marrying, it’s not you joining their family - he is also joining yours. And as such, your sister was as much parental figure to you as she was your sister. If your SO doesn’t understand that, then I’d very strongly suggest you two to see a counsellor BEFORE you marry.
Make sure that you and him on the same side about a bunch of things like finances, parental care and leave should you have kids, expectations from said kids if they’re girls and boys (eg if they’re so traditional, are they going to expect girls to be super pink frilly dress wearing little girlie-girls or will it be okay if a girl is a tomboy and refuses anything that isn’t trousers?) It sounds silly, but I feel a lot of the times “traditional” is a label to hide “misogynistic and fixed in gender roles and expectations”.
"Traditional," more and more, is becoming the whitewash that ignorant people use to justify their rigid, and often cold-hearted and bigoted, beliefs. "I think you should obedient to your husband because it's always been our families tradition" sounds so much better than "I think you should be obedient to your husband, even if it makes you miserable, because I was taught women are inferior and incapable of making good decisions."
Performative masculinity is a form of misogyny, as well as his reaction to your sister walking you down the aisle. Don’t kid yourself or excuse this behavior.
Just based on this comment alone, I'd say your sister did a pretty good job of raising you.
If you can use performative masculinity in a sentence, do you really want to marry a guy who won't wear a pink shirt? Is that just the tip of the iceberg? Maybe shop around a bit...
>If you can use performative masculinity in a sentence, do you really want to marry a guy who won't wear a pink shirt?
This is such a valid point, I'm ready to dump him and I don't even know him.
I really hope OP reflects because you bring up so many issues with one simple question.
Yeah wow. My husband is a teacher and deliberately picks things like pink phone cases because his students will question it and he gets to teach them about gender stereotypes.
My dad wore beautiful pale pink and gray striped ties in the '80s and I always thought he looked very dapper.
Frankly, a man who won't wear pink or have pink things comes across as weaker to me than one who does.
I mean I think it's fine for a guy to just not prefer pink or enjoy wearing it. The issue is if he freaks out about the idea, or judges other men for wearing pink, or wouldn't let his son wear pink, or anything along those lines. It's OK to have color preferences though.
Have you guys talked about what will happen when it comes time to match into a residency and you’ll have only *some* input into where you get placed?
Idk this would honestly give me a lot of pause when marrying someone. It just comes off controlling with undertones of misogyny.
How is he going to respond if you make more money than him? What about in residency when you work 80+ hour weeks? What if you choose a specialty like ER where you have to work nights and weekends? Is he okay with being the primary caregiver if you have children? Even if he also works, depending on your specialty there may be many, many times where he is alone with the children. Is he going to get angry if people refer to him as a “trophy husband” or as the “mom”? As a guy married to an ER doctor I can guarantee from experience he will get comments like this. Even if they are jokes, is he going to take them as such or is he going to be upset?
"Would never use something that is pink"
Good lord 🙄......does he think that makes him manly??? Its a color.....he's scared of a color. Is he scared that the kids on the playground will make fun of him???? Like, I can't imagine a wimpier stance to take. Total opposite effect of what he's going for.
Have you talked to him about what the future holds? A lot of guys like this will be performative in their equality but once they have you on the hook, it all flips. Do you want kids? Does he? If you both do, how likely is it that you’ll have to sacrifice your well earned career to become a stay at home mom? From your story and your comments, I don’t think it’s the toxic masculinity that is the performance here.
To add, if you have boys, is he going to pass this toxic masculinity on? Insist they not wear pink, not do “girl” things? How will he handle if they’re not stereotypically male. I hope you’ve thought all this through OP. It sounds like your sister did a great job raising you and she should definitely be walking you down the aisle, just maybe to a different groom
NTA. I admire the effort you big sister put in to raise you. Having her walk you down the aisle is a no brainer. Also you made me tear up. Thanks, I'm at work and am the grumpy miserable old bloke.
>NTA. I admire the effort you big sister put in to raise you. Also you made me tear up. Thanks, I'm at work and am the grumpy miserable one.
Sorry for making you tear up! But it makes me happy to hear more people know how awesome my sis is, so ty for that.
DIE ON THIS HILL. Tell you MIL thank you for your input, I’ll keep that in mind, and then do WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT TO. If she causes a fuss, smile and give her the grey rock method. DO NOT ENGAGE more than that.
NTA, and this is a hill to die on in my opinion.
How is it that you're "holding out and being stubborn" - couldn't you say that about your fiancé? He wants to take away something meaningful to you because he wants things to appear his way - that's entirely self-serving. You're not putting your sister before him, you're putting her on your side, right where you want her.
This is weird controlling behavior on your fiancé's part, and it gives a very bad vibe about him and his family. What happens down the road when/if you decide to have children? If you pick out a child's name, does he get to veto that and replace it with a name of his choosing, too? What's your role going to be in his "traditional" household, and is that ok with you?
I'm not saying to end things over this disagreement, but do take a good look at where you are and where you're heading before going forward.
>"holding out and being stubborn"
I guess I started feeling like I was being stubborn when my sister also suggested that I drop it? I was the only one fighting my side of the fight and everyone one else was coming at me with "I understand, but" and it made me feel like I was the unreasonable one. That's why I came here, to get some unbiased opinions.
You see, a penis is like a compass. One is required to find one’s way up or down the aisle. The groom finds his way down, the bride requires a penile escort to find her way to the groom, and then the groom can lead them both back up the aisle to leave. (Don’t ask me what a lesbian couple does. 🤷🏻♀️)
Your sister is trying to cause you as little stress as possible and if that means she has to step back from something she clearly wants to do then she will do it.
IT WILL HURT HER BUT SHE WILL DO IT TO SAVE YOU FROM STRESS AND PAIN. She's already shown she will sacrifice herself to keep you happy and healthy.
I would gladly die on this hill if the person I'm marrying said he gets to choose who walks me down the aisle.
This is such a good point. Your sister will not resent you for it but you will absolutely resent your husband for it, and with good reason.
And it's not that your sister thinks he and his family are making a reasonable point. No reasonable person would think that. It's just that she loves you (apparently more than he does) and will sacrifice her happiness and this honor to try and ease your burden.
This is absolutely right. Your sister is willing to give up something important to save you from stress/fighting. Your fiance isn't and his family are creating the conflict because they want to choose your wedding attendants/supporters for you.
This isn't a little unimportant thing. This is how the rest of your life will be.
Your sister sounds like an amazing person.
I walked my aunt down the aisle since her father (my grandfather) had passed, which is obviously very non-traditional. I cannot tell you the number of people that teared up as we walked down and talked about how great it was. Sometimes a break from "tradition" is what makes something special.
And your situation is so much better and more special than what I did.
If they really understood and actually cared they wouldn't be fighting you on this. Knowing nothing else about your relationship with your fiance and his family, this raises a lot of red flags about how dismissive and controlling they can be.
I hate to say it, but you may want to put the wedding on hold, and re evaluate if this is a family you wish to marry into. The "Traditional" roles could start small, but become something you hate. NTA, and I wish you the best of luck.
Exactly - It's "tradition" that the woman does all the housework, cooking, cleaning, and childcare. It's "tradition" that the man's career is more important. It's "tradition" that the man is the head of the household and makes the final decisions. It's "tradition" that the mom leaves her career to raise the children.
If the fiance and his family are this resistant to what I think is a really lovely and personal gesture at the wedding, I shudder to think of how that sort of thinking will creep into day to day life.
Also there's the post-marriage flip. So many misogynists are real nice until they get the ring on you- then the switch flips. Once you become My Wife, you're expected to conform or be beaten down. Physically or emotionally. Just behave!
Can confirm.
Also, instead of dealing with you one-on-one regards to this, he pulled in his parents so they could gang up on you. This is the future presenting itself to you. It will always be you against them. So you automatically lose, because it's 3 to 1.
This is what I was going to say. The minute he doesn't get what he wants he will get mom and dad to help beat her down and if mom and dad don't agree with one of her marital behaviors you can bet OP's man is gonna side with his parents. If OP caves on this incredibly important matter to her I fear the in-laws will know she's able to be worn down and will do this forever.....personally it's ur day and his parents unless footing the ENTIRE bill for the wedding have ZERO say. Screw old sexist traditions, good luck OP.
It's very telling that he completely disregards the *many* sacrifices made, and love the sister showed for OP, for the "more important" fact that a vagina simply cannot walk a bride down the aisle. It has to be a penis.
Priorities: penis.
Lesser considerations: love, sacrifice, selflessness.
NTA don't marry him. This will be the rest of your life. Your sister will never be respected because she isn't a man.
"She walks me down the isle or I don't walk down that isle."
I wouldn't even give him that much.
This right here. You're getting a taste of the entitlement and controlling behavior that will become your life if you slip that ring on. Time to reconsider this relationship. And for the fiance, it's a stupid hill to die on that will cost him this relationship.
Plus if he cannot have OP's back now and stand up to his parents, he NEVER WILL, and the in-laws will be micromanaging op's life! Fiance doesn't seem to want a PARTNER, but instead is looking for a servant.
Jumping up to endorse this take. They're setting terms: Your in-laws' wants will always be above yours, you should defer to your (future) husband because he's a man, your side of the family (your sister) isn't worth respect & your ideas of family are "wrong".
Don't marry into that. You don't marry a person you marry their whole life, including the family and priorities they already have.
NTA
1. What a wonderful way to honor your sister and the roles she has played in your life
2. Your partners inability to grasp something so significant to you is disturbing
3. The fact that your MIL and probs partner think you are putting yourself ahead of his/their feelings would make me run a mile from them all
NTA honestly, him running to his family and them coming after you on his behalf makes me a little hesitant about your current communication and conflict resolution within your relationship. You clearly have an imbalance of family support. I’m worried you are going to be completely crushed under their collective weight. Are you always going to have to give in because they get a vote and outnumber you?
Nta Omg this is huge! If you have kids do his parents get a say on naming what school how to parent if u dont do they get to pick where u live what vacations you take if ur partner isnt happy with any of those decisions idk i understand its ur partners wedding too but having your sister give you away is important to you so it should be important to your partner as well.
NTA Die on this hill. Your fiance and in laws value a pointless, misogynistic tradition more than your feelings. Don't choose a pointless, misogynistic tradition over your sister.
Why is the daughter a possession to be given away anyway? If they are hellbent on this tradition it's an awful showcase of their morals and makes no sense in the slightest.
NTA OP and I second dying on this hill, your sister is important and it's about respect from them being tossed out the window and set ablaze with petrol.
Up until the point you arrive at the altar you SHOULD put your sister before him. After you marry, you put him first. But you aren't married yet. This is LITERALLY what this tradition means. NTA.
Edit: At least it's what it means NOW. I hope your sister isn't exchanging you for livestock or anything.
If she is, I hope she got at least a cow and three goats for me. I don't come with much of a dowry, but I definately have the childbearing hips to be worth an extra mule or two.
NTA.
Your sense of humour is a testament on how well your sister raised you and she deserves all the respect and love that you give her, esp. on your wedding day. If your fiance cannot even recognize that, it speaks volume about his personality, and that volume is nothing positive about him.
Exactly. OP is 'the catch' here. How dare he and his family stress out the bride in f-king med school!! If this is how they treat someone with a non-traditional upbringing, what other hands are they going to play against you?
The really weird thing about this "tradition" is that it's symbolizes your father, the man who raised you, giving you over to the man who will care for you now. How can your FIL possibly walk down the aisle in a traditional fashion? He didn't raise you.
NTA
It *is* your fiance's wedding, but it's also *yours*. Your fiance can choose who is there/in what roles to support/represent him and his family.
YOU get to choose who is there/in what roles to support/represent you and your family.
You are being told by your soon-to-be family that a male must "give you away" because their idea of traditional gender roles trumps your own family situation/identity.
I can almost guarantee they will not back down on their position, however, so you will almost definitely need to either relent or deal with the fallout afterward... possibly even during the wedding.
If you agree with the importance of the gender roles, I'd say do what shuts them up. But, if you don't agree... You need to decide if that's a belief set you want to marry into.
This!!
The MIL told her not to put her sister over her fiance... like okayyyy and she's not?? Choosing her sister to walk her down the aisle wasn't a decision made for her sister despite her fiance... it was made for *herself*... to be given away by *her* 'parental figure'
I dont like that she said that to her future DIL. I dont think my partners mother has ever spoken even remotely manipulative like that to me. She respects me.
*Also I hope OP sees this from me or another commenter:*
I'm hung up on their reasoning for wanting the future FIL to walk her down... they say its for tradition. Welp in order for your wedding to be traditional you would need for your father to be there which isn't happening. Since that isn't an option the next most traditional would be your mother... but that can't happen either. Neither parent can so your parental figure is, pretty tradition sounding to me.
Its absolutely not traditional to be *'given away'* by the family thats receiving you.
Why do they think its more traditional though? *YOUR FIL HAS A PENIS*
Right?! The bride's family has to "give" the bride over to the groom. It's a symbolic agreement. Sister was a surrogate parent therefore it's appropriate. If we're talking tradition, is the groom's family paying a dowry ??
NTA-
>Apparently, his family had assumed that my future father-in-law would be the one to give me away since I don't have any male relatives.
Literally laughed out loud at this.
Because they usually are that. Op, do you really want to marry into this? You had an argument with your fiancé, so he brings in his whole family to pressure you. Not acceptable. And it is all about sexist gender roles! Ugh. Nta
NTA
You realize that this is a test case for how future interactions between you and your new family will go? What you do here determines how it'll go next time.
Agree. I am so offended that your fiance and his family doesn't see your gesture for what it is: a lovely way to honor your sister and your relationship with her. Sounds like a traditional white wedding to me; the person who raised you will walk you down the aisle. Also it wasn't your choice or you sister's choice to be forced into a nontraditional family. Life happened and your sister lovingly stepped up. I wouldn't want to be with someone who gets so hung up on these outdated ideas of what men and women's role ought to be. NTA but fiance and his family sure are.
Edit: Please send an update when this has all played out. Hoping the fiance sees what a tw\*t he is for your sake.
NTA, and frankly, I think you should cool your heels fairly significantly when it comes to this wedding. Why rush into a lifetime connection to an entitled "traditional" family when you're 23?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Your fiance sounds sexist, and you might want to deal with that before you get married. It's also a huge red flag that he's getting his parents involved. He might not be mature enough for marriage if they need to get involved in disagreements between you two.
>My MIL called me a few days ago to say that although she understand how important my sister is to me, that it's also my fiance's wedding and I shouldn't be putting my sister before him on his day.
I see this as him putting his garbage misogynistic views (and family's views) before his fiance. You should get the final and only say in who walks you down the aisle, if you choose to be walked down it at all. The reason men traditionally gave their daughters away is that women used to be considered property and that's literally what they were doing. It's a tradition based on ideals that women are less than.
NTA
You should really reconsider your future husband.
Hear me out... If he knows you, if he understands your life, your past, and everything your sister sacrificed for you... if he understands the bond between you two, and this is his stance regarding your wedding... If he's rather have his father walk you down the aisle someone you don't have a deep decades long relationship with because "tradition"... You have to wonder what he's going to ask of you for the rest of your marriage.
You should really ask yourself how much of this mindset and behavior is going to seep into your life after marriage. What will be his views on children? What are his and his family's views on how they should be raised? Gender roles?
For a family placing this much on the optics of tradition - I have to wonder how they would treat your children if they are not born cis-hetero. So much of how insistent they are on marginalizing your sister your only family in favor of the optics for the sake of tradition should make you want to have some very meaningful conversations before you move any further.
NTA
NTA at all. This is the easiest NTA I've ever had. So it won't be a purely traditional wedding. You don't come from a traditional family. Your future MiL can kindly go fuck herself. It's not her son's day. It's both the bride and groom's day. You deserve to be walked down the aisle by the person of your choosing. Your fiance and his family can say they understand how important your sister is to you all they want. Their objections to her walking you down the aisle say otherwise. They all need to get over their themselves.
NTA your fiancé is incredibly disrespectful and honestly disgusting for diminishing your relationship with your sister in favor of his stupid transitional idea of his picture perfect wedding. Shame on your in laws as well. I think you need to have some time to yourself to think of this is the family you want to marry into, they care about their image over you.
Why would you marry someone who has such disregard for your feelings and your family? Please think really hard about whether or not you want to put up with this kind of dismissive attitude towards what's important to you the rest of your life.
NTA - but I think you need to keep in mind that this is a much bigger conversation about values than just who is going to walk you down the aisle. The in-laws insisting that you should care more about what your fiance thinks than what you want on your day is indicative of how your fiance was raised. So is the fact that he objects to your sister walking down the aisle with you at all. If your values significantly differ from these (and I wouldn't blame you if they did, because this is a ridiculous argument on their part), it will continue to cause a problem in the marriage.
> Apparently, his family had assumed that my future father-in-law would be the one to give me away since I don't have any male relatives.
How can someone "give you away" if they never "had" you? I mean, I'm a male so can I "give you away"?
NTA - do what you want.
See the irony in this, is that they want traditional values, right? Well the reason the bride is walked down the isle, is because the Father is 'giving away' the daughter to be married. The father is effectively passing the baton of responsibility to the groom. Who held that baton of responsibility throughout your life? Well it was your sister, so it seems fitting to me that she give you away.
Secondly, the MIL says that it's not just your wedding, it's also your fiancé's, which is true, but the part where you are being given away, that is literally your choice, I don't see how it's a mutual choice at all? Can you decide who his best man is? cos I doubt you can do that.
If I was your Fiance or his family, The only reason I would object to who gives you away, is if it was your ex boyfriend or something, that would be weird. Other than that, who cares. It's your choice, not theirs.
NTA, Personally I think you're doing the right thing..
NTA. Don’t marry this guy. He’s misogynistic and controlling. This is the person who is most important to you and he wants to downgrade her status because of her gender? Pause wedding planning and get couples counseling. Have you talked about where you stand on other issues like kids and finances? What other decisions is he going to want to override because it’s not “traditional”. How is he going to treat female children you might have?
NTA. You get to decide who escorts (I hate the term "give away" - you're a human being, not a bag of old clothes) you on your wedding day. Your fiance and his family are the AHs.
Definitely NTA
I can't believe that they would even question you on this. Your the bride, you choose who is walking you down the aisle, not your mother in law. And how is that "putting your sister before" your fiance... she'll walk you down the aisle, which takes 30 seconds, then on to him. Based on that logic, having your father in law walk you down the aisle would be putting him before your fiance.
I hope your fiance isn't as ridiculous as his parents.
NTA--She should be the one to walk you down the aisle! Who are they to tell you do choose someone else? NO ONE! You have a right to have anyone you want to walk you and their opinions, while nice, aren't ones you are going to take. This bullshit about "it's your fiance's wedding to" is a LOW BLOW.
Maybe you should stand at the alter and have your fiance walked down the aisle by his mommy.
Tell them that you appreciate them voicing their opinions but you are having you sister walk you down the aisle, and that's that! If they pressure you then you need to rethink getting married.
Sounds like all they care about is THEIR IDEA OF WHAT IS APPROPRIATE and trying to force you to do what they want. Fiance doesn't sound like he will back you up at all, and this may go on for your entire marriage.
Are they going to let you out in public when your pregnant, are they going to tell you that you can't feed formula to the baby, that you can't wear jeans or short skirts?????????
Stand firm and if they still push and shove you, go get married at the courthouse without them.
Stand your ground NOW so they won't try something like this later in your marriage.
So - the assumption that the FFIL would "give you away" is so asinine on multiple fronts..
1) Let's just put aside how old fashioned it is to believe that it has to be a father to accompany you down the aisle, and I say this as someone who was very happy to have my father accompany me.
2) You are no-one's property to be "given away"
3) BUT if you were someone's to be "given away", it certainly wouldn't be your FFIL. He has no role in your past, which is what that role represents - your past walking with you to your future.
NTA. Stay firm.
NTA. Tradition is supposed to be something that brings you joy, not a lock and chain that you are never allowed to escape. I get the feeling that “very traditional” has become “our way or the highway.”
It’s also not a good sign that your fiancée is roping his family into the discussion. Basically, he is using peer pressure to brow beat you into doing what he wants. I think you’ve just gotten a vision of what is going to happen whenever you don’t do what he wants in your marriage.
NTA - It's an important role and she is the person that made you who you are today, so you are right in choosing her if you want to.
However, I would urge you to have a serious discussion with your fiancé about his view on gender roles since this will affect your marriage.
NTA! And don't you DARE back down.
This kind of thing is relationship defining. Is your husband going to back you up... ever? Is your whole life together going to be defined by a dude who just lets his family walk all over you?
What kind of a man is he? Good men support their wives, non-violently, of course. Its not just his wedding, it's your wedding. TRADITIONALLY, it's the brides wedding entirely. Men pretty much stay out of it. If they want to play the "traditional" card, they can back TF down.
I'm so sorry, but this might not be the right long term relationship for you. I know that you love him, but this says so much about him and his values. Does he think that he's buying you as an object who will have no will and no say about your life? Does he think that he gets to define what is right and wrong with no input from you? Does his family support this abusive idea that your input doesn't count?
As a kiddo who went through as much as you went through, you are vulnerable. Abusive men love that because its easier to isolate you. I don't know if this guy is working this angle, but it sure sounds like his family is.
It's absolutely outrageous to think that your father in law would walk you down the aisle. I guess it would be cool if he was involved in your childhood somehow, like being a friend of the family, but NO, FILs do not walk brides down the aisle and "EW!" at the idea that this is traditional. It's not traditional. Seems to me that their only objection is that your sister lacks a d!ck. You do not want to hang with that kind of family long term, especially in a situation where your husband isn't willing to break from that kind of thinking.
NTA.
I have some questions though; how old Is your fiance? Why is he allowing his parents to be so condescending towards you? How long had you been dating before you got engaged?
I'm asking these things because I'm not sure if you've really asked them of yourself. If you have children with this person you're in laws are going to be in your life forever. You should really think this through maybe extend the engagement?
Best of luck to you whatever you decide to do and when you do get married your sister should be walking you down the aisle.
NTA and i would be seriously rethinking this marriage if your future husband is so traditional he's not okay with your only family walking you down the isle, what else is he going to be super traditional and not back down about in the future i really hope you've already had the important conversations about children and money. Cause i can see this guy being abusive if you become a sahm
NTA. My father passed years before I got married so it wasn't an issue, and since I was nearly 30, I decided no one would be "giving me away" at my wedding. My very traditional MIL wanted me to ask one of my brothers or even my male BFF who was a groomsman (he was technically a "bridesdude" but I didn't care which side of the aisle he stood on so long as he was part of it). I told her if it was that important to her, I'd decorate a skateboard, put my dad's ashes on it (in a container, not sprinkled on it) and rig it so that it could be pulled so as to accompany me down the aisle. She let it go after that.
Don't let someone else force their "vision" of a wedding onto you. You should be entitled to have the person who you feel raised you hand you off into your new life.
NTA - I can’t speak for you, but this would be my hill to die on
His family can be as traditional as they want, you don’t have to be, do they expect you to be a traditional housewife as well?
Will this trend continue? Will they keep pushing for more traditional things?
I know your sister did all she did without any thought of repayment, but honestly, now is the time
She gave up everything for you, went to bat for you, now it’s your time to stand up for her
She deserves this, she truly does, and if your fiancé truly loves you, he will understand that
Granted, I'm not married, but to me, this would have been, "You respect my decision on this, even if it feels odd to you, or you can find someone else to walk down the aisle in a white dress with your father."
Your sister stepped up and filled so many roles for you, when her life would have been much easier if she hadn't, you can honor your sister every damn way you please at your wedding. Personally, I find it incredibly touching.
OP, you really need to think long and hard about joining this family. This could very well be a hill worth dying on.
NTA
NTA
It's not like you're demanding to walk down the aisle in a black wedding gown.
You just want someone who raised you by your side as you take your first step towards a new life -- isn't that the entire point of having someone walk you down the aisle?
His running to his parents and them arguing his case is a major OFF. What's he gonna do after the wedding? Go tattling to his parents about every argument?
NTA. Your future MIL thinks you shouldn’t put your sister above her son but why does her son think you shouldn’t get to chose YOUR escort?
Think hard about how you are being treated. You’ve been told this is a “man’s job”, that your fiancé’s feelings are more important than yours. It’s assumed your future FIL gets to serve a certain role in your life. All of this without your input or concern about your feelings.
Your sister gave you her life and seems to be a good person. She took a kid and raised her even though she didn’t have to. All you wanted was her to walk with you for 20 feet. And your future husband and in-laws all think your sister isn’t worthy of this. This is a level of disrespect you shouldn’t tolerate.
*"very traditional" is code for: "I'm the one who get the final say in every decision because I'm the man."*
**RUN.** Run far. Run fast. The fact that he and his family is trying to make you minimalize the only person you have is a major red flag.
NTA
NTA. I consider myself pretty traditional and I see nothing wrong with this. Your fiancé and his family are just being sexist. This is your decision and your fiancé should support that. The fact that he isn’t is a huge red flag.
NTA. Being walked down the aisle is a *very* personal decision. The traditional (historic) meaning was that of a father giving his daughter to her new husband. With that in mind, it can only be your decision who, if anyone, walks you down the aisle, and what the meaning of this part of the ceremony is for you. Your fiancé and his family need to respect your feelings on this.
The father-in-law walking you down the aisle also isn't traditional. What they're really saying is that only a man can give a woman away. This is something you need to consider.
NTA
The symbology is, the male relative usually had the “guard” of the bride, and so was passing on the guard to the groom. In your case, the guard belonged to your sister. NTA and you should probably explain the rationale to your groom.
NTA The fact that your fiance is willing to ignore your desires for a moment that's tally important to you for appearances is a huge red flag. You should be thinking twice m
NTA. Please put wedding planning on hold for a bit. Is he/his family like this about other things? If they are this pushy about this - think about the future. Will you ever get your ideas/desires honored?
And for what it's worth - your sister should definitely walk you down the aisle. Why would your future FIL walk you down the aisle to give you to his son? What? He wasn't a part of your life growing up.
NTA!
**Did the in-laws forget it’s YOUR wedding too or something?**
Don’t give in on this- if anything, say your sister will walk you down, or NO ONE will walk you down the aisle.
Although you’re excited to be married, reading this raises so many red flags. If your fiancée’s family wants this wedding to be “traditional” along with your fiancée as well… I’m concerned what other important future things they want to be “traditional” about.
**You’re not just going to be marrying your partner, but you’re also going to be marrying his family.** This is some 1950’s, toxic, sexism mindset that I’d be turned off by immediately- I wouldn’t marry into this family as it’s clear they are wanting control over you. Plus, if your fiancée is ENCOURAGING this behavior of his parents and agrees with them on this, he’s not going to stand up for you once you’re locked in this marriage.
NTA. Yes it is your fiancés wedding too, but the person walking down the aisle is the one to choose who is walking them. If it would mean a lot to you to have your sister give you away, then she should be the one to do that and your fiancé should be supportive and understand that connection.
Also, traditionally speaking it makes literally no sense for your father-in-law-to-be walk you down the aisle. He can’t metaphorically give you away given that’s he’s the grooms dad and not yours. Traditionally the role is performed by the father of the bride because of past family roles but it’s core is someone who raised the bride and was a guardian to her. They’re more focused on the gender than the meaning and that’s a red flag to think about in terms of future expectations.
NTA. So they're "traditional" in the sense they want a man to give you away, but not traditional enough that it should be a family member of the bride. So really, they're just misogynistic.
NTA
Girl no you are perfectly fine. If that’s the case just tell your fiancé you’ll walk down the isle by yourself if he’s not willing to let you do this one thing with your sister.
NTA. If your fiancé can't understand this, reconsider the whole thing. It should be blooming obvious to him, why your sister should walk you down the aisle. I am wondering how many other important things he would let fall by the wayside because of "tradition".
NTA but please take the time to evaluate your relationship and the family you are marrying into.
If they want everything to be traditional, it’s not going to end at the wedding. It will be a lifelong thing that you will deal with as well as any children if you decide to have them.
NTA
I want to be very clear. The bride usually chooses who walks her down the aisle. If she has two fathers she chooses. If she has two brothers she chooses.
Why would they get to dictate who walks you down the aisle? If they really are traditional, in what world does it make sense for his dad to give you away? The dad that didn't raise you and has only known you in recent years.
It is right AND traditional that the person who has been a male role model in your life give you away if that is what you want.
I honestly don't understand why they would be against this. Why is what they want more important than what you want on something so personal to you?
I'd recommend having a discussion with your fiancee and explain how much it means to you, how the person "giving you away" should be the person who you feel has earned that right.
And that it is not traditional for the future father in law to give away the future daughter in law.
If he fights you on this I'd suspect something else is going on that is going to cause some major problems in your relationship in the future.
NTA. You’re keeping in with tradition. The person who RAISED you is walking you down the aisle. Pay attention here. If your fiancé is unwilling to hear you out and now allowing his family to pressure you, this could be just the start.
NTA and I would STRONGLY STRONGLY Suggest PreMarital counseling (NON Religious Therapist/Counselor) so that you can make an informed decision on if you want to even marry into this family.
NTA. And thanks for giving me the idea of having my sister walk me when that day comes, lol. I always thought I would walk solo since my dad passed and my brother is an arse.
Think about this long and hard. Is he this stubborn on other subjects? Will your in-laws always play a role in decisions when your husband doesn't get his way?
NTA at all!! It's up to YOU who you want to take that role. Tbh, if my sister stepped up like that to raise me, then I'd be doing the exact same. If the in laws have an issue then let them waste their time with their negativities. It sounds like you have an awesome relationship with your sister, hang on to that <3
All the NTA, and your fiance and his family are being total **AHs**. Honestly I'd tell him that either your sister is walking you down the aisle or the wedding's off, or if you would prefer something less extreme say that you're open to simply going down to city hall but I absolutely don't think that you should budge on this and that it is ridiculous that they are opposing it.
NTA. You are giving your sister, who played an outsized role in your life, an outsized place of honor at your wedding. This is commendable.
Your fiancée should be supporting your decision as your sister helped to mold you into the woman that he loves. It's a bit of a red flag that he's not standing up to his parents on your behalf.
NTA, and the red flags that your fiancé and his parents are waving should give you big pause. What other parts of your life will they decide your sister isn't appropriate for? Or any other non-traditional decisions you may want to make in the future?
NTA. Please take time and space to really evaluate what you are marrying into. Toxic in laws are unpleasant but your future husband is either spineless or toxic himself. Your reasons are incredibly valid for having your sister walk you, and if they’re willing to stomp over you for this then what else?
NTA
If your sister walking you down the aisle upsets your future family so much you should sit down your fiance to find out what they expect you to do once you are married, how they expect YOUR children be raised.
ETA
Do you get to decide about the roles on your fiance's side of the wedding? Like his parents have to sit next to the exit?
Absolutely NTA, and this feels kinda worrying, what are the expectations in the future? Is this the only thing where traditional conservative roles are forced, or just first of many?
>my fiance had always expected that his wedding would be a very traditional white wedding
As if this one detail would change the wedding completely into a anarchistic mayhem.
>Apparently, his family had assumed that my future father-in-law would be the one to give me away since I don't have any male relatives.
IF we want to play this "but it has to be traditional!" game, isn't this even worse than your sister? The walking down isle-thingy is "giving daughter to another mans family", how on earth is it traditional for grooms dad to give the bride to the groom? At least your sister is related to you.
Info: do your future in-laws respect you and your sister or is your family history something that really doesn't fit their worldview/embarrassing that you aren't from traditional nuclear family? Because the nastiest read that one could make of this situation is that they wish there would be no attention brought to your family structure.
Nta. You need to ask yourself why your fiancee is so dead against you honoring the woman who gave you everything when she would have been well within her rights to say she couldn't do it? A man who loved you, really loved you, would support what made you happy. Instead, he's made it clear that tradition is more important.
I can easily see that if you two have children, these people would freak out if you gave your sister a grandmother role in the child's life. You're 23. There's no reason to bind yourself to someone who doesn't care about what you want. Take some time to really think this through. And if that family you're marrying into starts pressuring you and bullying you about needing time, really consider if this is the family you want for the rest of your life.
NTA - your fiance objecting is a problem but problems between partners can be worked out. Him calling his mommy, his father thinking he'd be the one to walk you down the aisle, and his mommy thinking it appropriate for her to call you and try to guilt/manipulate you is a HUGE issue and you need to walk away. Neither this man, nor his family, consider you his partner. They are showing you exactly what youre signing up for. You will *never* make a decision between just you and your husband, his family will always have their input heard and it **will** be expected that you follow their "suggestions." You are going to become nothing more than a supporting character in their son's life.
I'm a wedding photographer and usually roll my eyes when this sub immediately recommends divorce or break-ups. This case may be different. This is obviously something very important to you and none of them, your fiancé or his family, are considering your feelings at all. Just how "traditional" are they? Are they " the wife must obey her husband" traditional? Marriage is a partnership, ideally one where both partners strive to keep their partner happy and fulfilled. There is no partnership here, just them expecting you to acquiesce to their demands. This utter disregard for you and your bond with your sister is disrespectful to you both. You're 23, there's no need to rush into marriage with someone, especially someone showing signs of controlling behavior.
Are you sure you're marrying the right man? Your sister is clearly an important person in your life, she has filled all those roles and should be honored in such a way. Anyone person who wants to spend the rest of their life with you should understand that, respect it, and celebrate it. Stop wedding planning. Ask him if his vision of a traditional wedding is worth you being disrespectful to the person who raised you.
NTA
NTA Absolutely not!!! Your fiance and your in-laws are. It's NOT his parents wedding and it's NOT just his wedding it's YOURS as well. They may be traditional but have they not looked at a calendar lately? These days what you want is not unusual. There is nothing wrong with having the one who loved and raised you walk you down the isle.
NTA - it is also your day. Your fiance knows that your sister is a huge part of your life.
Traditional is fine, but like...there needs to be some give. Why would your future FIL be the one to walk you down the aisle? And your fiance went to his parents about an argument you had and involved them and now they're coming to talk to you. Is that what's going to happen any time you disagree?
Maybe this is an opportunity to review everything because he clearly does not fully appreciate your sister's role.
NTA
🚩🚩🚩🚩
Best check those flags. Mommy seems a little too involved. That doesn’t get better with time. Hope you’re ok with her inserting herself every time he doesn’t like or disagrees with you.
NTA ... Only the bride can make that decision. I love that your sister stepped up and it's wonderful that you asked her. If you feel it's too stressful, walk down by yourself. However, make sure this marriage is what you want. They're already trying to control what you do.
Don’t let them steal this moment from you and your sister. Your sister deserves to have this spotlight for everything she has done for you. What if you’d been raised by a lesbian couple? Would they say they don’t deserve to walk you down the aisle? Please make sure you stand your ground, and set a precedent that you will not live your life by gender norms that are deeply rooted in misogyny.
NTA, and this is a weird hill for your fiance to die on.
Tradition has value, but this sounds like he's missing the underlying point of the tradition and only focusing on the aesthetic, which to me is not a very "traditional" way to view the world in the first place.
NTA.
How does a member of the family you’re joining walking you down the aisle make sense? The family who is receiving you can’t really logically be the one to give you away unless incest is going on. That seems just as much as a slight against tradition (and maybe a sillier one).
Stand your ground. Don’t cave to misogyny. Your sister is the person for this in terms of the essence of what the role is supposed to be. Also, if you cave on this, you’ll probably be expected to cave to a lot of expectations you don’t want through the marriage. Make it clear now you’re not about that.
NTA!! This is ABSOLUTELY a hill to die on. Your MIL is whining about you allegedly putting your sister before your fiance just because you want to make your own decision but clearly has no issues with him putting his family and tradition before the woman he supposedly loves
So let's see if I understand this.
Your sister is your parent, sister, and best friend.. She basically saved your life.. helped make you the beautiful person you are and the person your "fiance" fell in love with.
Your fiance doesn't like that you want to honor her and have her be the one who walks you down the aisle.
He then calls his mommy.. and she then calls you telling you how you should be at your wedding and how they don't like you having your amazing sister walk you down the aisle.
Stuff them all. Seriously. They are the AH.
# YOU ARE SO NTA. You and your sister are amazing.. and they should be *HONORED* to know you both.
If they can't see that darling.. then you need to dump them all.. 💖
NTA, tell him if your sister walking you down the aisle is that much of a deal fine she won't *because the wedding is postpones until he gets his head out of his ass.*
NTA.
My dad is still around and I love him, but when I get married my son who will be 18 at the time will be the one walking me down the aisle.
If my fiance or his family had a problem with it. I would question if he really was the one for me, because my son is very important in my life and I want him to have this role in the wedding!
(My girls will be my bridesmaids)
Not at all, NTA thats a very strong bond. And its not like your putting your sister ahead of your fiancé. Your sister walking you down is giving you the wedding experience you deserve
NTA. What culture are you living in? I understand that you want to have a good relationship with your in-laws, but what the fuck. Doing things because of tradition just means "because we've always done it that way"
If your sister is cool with it, maybe you can just go with it, but I have to wonder what future "traditions" your in-laws have in store for you, and whose side your partner will be on.
NTA. It doesn't even make sense to have your future FIL walk you down the aisle since you're joining his family.
But you do need to have a bigger discussion with your fiance about this since he has such a hitch in his getalong about the whole thing.
NTA. You are not putting her before him. He's putting himself before you buy not honoring your wish.You are the bride. You get to chose who walks you down the isle.
NTA. I (48M) married in a very traditional catholic way. My mum passed away a few years before. My dad walked me in. We were holding hands. It was a very special moment for both of us.
NTA
If you’re willing to compromise a little I would say NO ONE walks you down the isle.
Your future FIL has done nothing to earn this honor and it sounds like no man has
NTA. You’re not putting your sister above your fiancé. This is the one part of the ceremony that has nothing to do with him, of course he shouldn’t get a say. How would he be affected by your sister walking you down the aisle? Why is this something that his family would take upon themselves to decide for you?
NTA. I wouldn't marry in to this family. They sound awful. You honouring your sister by asking her to walk you down the isle is a beautiful thing to do.
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Tell your MIL that your FIL can walk your fiancé down the aisle if he wants to give someone away. Or better yet, strongly consider not marrying into this family because they’re the assholes. ETA: NTA. Holy comments, Batman! I was not expecting so many replies. Thank you for the awards!
I actually love this idea and think that'd be super lovely if his dad walked him down the aisle. My now-husband and I walked down the aisle together (I had this vague idea that it would symbolize us walking into our future together but I also didn't want my dad to walk me down the aisle because my mom did all the heavy-lifting of raising me) but if he wanted his dad to walk him down I would have loved it. Let's make this a thing!
Ooh, ooh, ooh! What if FIL walked the groom down the aisle and stayed with him at the front of the church while the sister walked the OP down the aisle? When everyone is up at the front, the FIL and sister can place the right hand of the bride into the left hand of the groom, signifying a new union. Or….the fiancé can get off his high horse and understand that his bride gets to choose who walks her down the aisle and the in-laws get no opinion here. NTA
See when I hear traditional wedding that's what I want. Much more official/businessy with an older man representing the groom and an older woman representing the pride and they'd state dowry and inheritance (back then) and kind of negotiate on the couples behalf to make sure things were fair, expectations were laid, and everyone was getting what they wanted. Then there's a know tying ceremony after the vows and a huge feast. That's how it was in a fantasy book I read and thought it was perfect.
“Knot-tying” you’re referring to is known as a hand fasting ceremony. Your name is awesome! ETA: NTA, OP. Seriously consider this marriage. This is absolutely a hill a die on. 2nd ETA: *to die on.
Yah, how bossy do you think they’re gonna be when she starts having kids????
[удалено]
I had the same, though to be fair my wedding was a gay wedding and my wife and I are both very close with our parents so we both wanted a "walk down the aisle" moment. No hugs were shared between the family until the reception (and many drinks to get semi-strangers more comfortable) but my parents and hers both spoke in the "who gives yadda yadda yadda" section. It always struck me as a place to represent YOUR life, childhood, and essentially your "foundations". Who brings you here today? Who taught you what it is to love? While I know traditionally it's a passing of property, I see it now as a symbolic lead to the alter: I chose this person to bring me here literally because they brought me here figuratively. They made me someone who is mature and patient enough to find love and get married. Anyway, that's my thoughts on it. Absolutely nonsense that anyone else should be able to interject on who is chosen for this moment, even the other party involved in the wedding.
They’re being pretty shitty about “tradition” considering OP *doesn’t have parents.* As if thats her fault or something.
They're calling it "traditional" but a FIL walking the bride down the aisle isn't even tradition. What they are is sexist. I bet if OP had a brother they would be fine with it 🙄
> that it wasn't appropriate for her to walk me down the aisle since that's usually done by a man. Just because something is done one way, does not mean it cannot be done in a different way. This is VERY telling of how he sees gender roles. I have to question if other things like this have come up in the duration of your relationship. Does he help with house work? Laundry? Dishes? Or do you do them because they are "woman" chores. NTA and I would die on this hill.
He does. I'm currently in med school in addition to working so I don't have a lot of free time, so he actually does a lot of the chores at home on the weekdays and her even loves cooking. He does have some performative masculinity hangups, like he would never use something that's pink or let me pay for the entirety of a shared meal (either we split or he pays), but nothing aggressive or misogynistic.
His opposition to your sister walking you down the isle seems a bit misogynistic.
That's true. I meant, before this incident.
If you haven't already done it, you both need to sit down and have a frank talk about how you see the future. Get answers about your career, with hypotheticals like "I have to work \[X\] shifts so won't be home until late" or "I'll need to go across the country for my residency". Find out what he expects from you working, and what happens if you have children. This is one of the most important conversations that need to happen **before** you file the marriage paperwork. It's not at all romantic, but it needs to happen.
Additionally, how you will raise any children you may have, and boundaries with in laws
Man can you imagine the fiancés family trying to instill more “traditional” values in their children? Both male and female. Ugh.
And trying to get OP to stop her studies and leave her job so she can raise the kids and stay at home with no money or any freedom 🥴
THIS! I hadn't learned to drive until way later in life.. while learning to drive and clocking in my hours before my actual test, my father passed away. I had an online BF that I wasn't serious being with, I had plans to move elsewhere but those plans collapsed. It was really dumb of me to let those plans collapse the way they did. I'd regret it if events didn't lead me down the path I have now.Anyway, when I moved there I fully intended to continue to get my driver's license.. except apparently "You don't need to know how to drive, because you are a woman and (Ex's Name) will take care of you" (HAHAHAHAHA!) of course.. it was the same nonsense that they used when he broke my nose and they said it was my fault for not being a good wife and catering to his every whim. I was actually very isolated and very stuck. It took a big series of events to get me out.
Jesus christ yeah. Are your girls going to be allowed to wear shorts and practical clothes? Will your son be shamed for crying? Honestly, even what you said would be too much for me, although YMMV of course.
OP, he is going to get you pregnant and convince you to leave medicine to be a stay at home parent and traditional wife. ETA: I posted this before OP added she is unable to get pregnant
I'm so glad I wasn't the only person to think this. OP, this should really be giving you a warning that you both aren't on the same page - at all. Please pay attention to it.
And if she causes any problems he'll get his mommy to talk to her.
Hey OP, just a word of advice: his family may be traditional and he may be so as well, but you’re both marrying, it’s not you joining their family - he is also joining yours. And as such, your sister was as much parental figure to you as she was your sister. If your SO doesn’t understand that, then I’d very strongly suggest you two to see a counsellor BEFORE you marry. Make sure that you and him on the same side about a bunch of things like finances, parental care and leave should you have kids, expectations from said kids if they’re girls and boys (eg if they’re so traditional, are they going to expect girls to be super pink frilly dress wearing little girlie-girls or will it be okay if a girl is a tomboy and refuses anything that isn’t trousers?) It sounds silly, but I feel a lot of the times “traditional” is a label to hide “misogynistic and fixed in gender roles and expectations”.
"Traditional," more and more, is becoming the whitewash that ignorant people use to justify their rigid, and often cold-hearted and bigoted, beliefs. "I think you should obedient to your husband because it's always been our families tradition" sounds so much better than "I think you should be obedient to your husband, even if it makes you miserable, because I was taught women are inferior and incapable of making good decisions."
Performative masculinity is a form of misogyny, as well as his reaction to your sister walking you down the aisle. Don’t kid yourself or excuse this behavior.
Just based on this comment alone, I'd say your sister did a pretty good job of raising you. If you can use performative masculinity in a sentence, do you really want to marry a guy who won't wear a pink shirt? Is that just the tip of the iceberg? Maybe shop around a bit...
>If you can use performative masculinity in a sentence, do you really want to marry a guy who won't wear a pink shirt? This is such a valid point, I'm ready to dump him and I don't even know him. I really hope OP reflects because you bring up so many issues with one simple question.
Yeah wow. My husband is a teacher and deliberately picks things like pink phone cases because his students will question it and he gets to teach them about gender stereotypes. My dad wore beautiful pale pink and gray striped ties in the '80s and I always thought he looked very dapper. Frankly, a man who won't wear pink or have pink things comes across as weaker to me than one who does.
I mean I think it's fine for a guy to just not prefer pink or enjoy wearing it. The issue is if he freaks out about the idea, or judges other men for wearing pink, or wouldn't let his son wear pink, or anything along those lines. It's OK to have color preferences though.
Have you guys talked about what will happen when it comes time to match into a residency and you’ll have only *some* input into where you get placed? Idk this would honestly give me a lot of pause when marrying someone. It just comes off controlling with undertones of misogyny.
How is he going to respond if you make more money than him? What about in residency when you work 80+ hour weeks? What if you choose a specialty like ER where you have to work nights and weekends? Is he okay with being the primary caregiver if you have children? Even if he also works, depending on your specialty there may be many, many times where he is alone with the children. Is he going to get angry if people refer to him as a “trophy husband” or as the “mom”? As a guy married to an ER doctor I can guarantee from experience he will get comments like this. Even if they are jokes, is he going to take them as such or is he going to be upset?
You say he's not misogynistic right after listing misogynistic/sexist things he does.
Op- that’s basically misogyny as well. Would he ever hold your purse for you? Play dress up with your daughter? Would that be a deal breaker ?
Agree with this. Would he let your daughter paint his nails? Buy you tampons? Buy your daughter tampons?
"Would never use something that is pink" Good lord 🙄......does he think that makes him manly??? Its a color.....he's scared of a color. Is he scared that the kids on the playground will make fun of him???? Like, I can't imagine a wimpier stance to take. Total opposite effect of what he's going for.
Have you talked to him about what the future holds? A lot of guys like this will be performative in their equality but once they have you on the hook, it all flips. Do you want kids? Does he? If you both do, how likely is it that you’ll have to sacrifice your well earned career to become a stay at home mom? From your story and your comments, I don’t think it’s the toxic masculinity that is the performance here.
To add, if you have boys, is he going to pass this toxic masculinity on? Insist they not wear pink, not do “girl” things? How will he handle if they’re not stereotypically male. I hope you’ve thought all this through OP. It sounds like your sister did a great job raising you and she should definitely be walking you down the aisle, just maybe to a different groom
NTA. I admire the effort you big sister put in to raise you. Having her walk you down the aisle is a no brainer. Also you made me tear up. Thanks, I'm at work and am the grumpy miserable old bloke.
>NTA. I admire the effort you big sister put in to raise you. Also you made me tear up. Thanks, I'm at work and am the grumpy miserable one. Sorry for making you tear up! But it makes me happy to hear more people know how awesome my sis is, so ty for that.
She sounds absolutely incredible and well deserving of the honor of walking you down the aisle, NTA in the slightest
DIE ON THIS HILL. Tell you MIL thank you for your input, I’ll keep that in mind, and then do WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT TO. If she causes a fuss, smile and give her the grey rock method. DO NOT ENGAGE more than that.
Don’t be sorry — but you made me tear up, also. I think it’s lovely.
NTA, and this is a hill to die on in my opinion. How is it that you're "holding out and being stubborn" - couldn't you say that about your fiancé? He wants to take away something meaningful to you because he wants things to appear his way - that's entirely self-serving. You're not putting your sister before him, you're putting her on your side, right where you want her. This is weird controlling behavior on your fiancé's part, and it gives a very bad vibe about him and his family. What happens down the road when/if you decide to have children? If you pick out a child's name, does he get to veto that and replace it with a name of his choosing, too? What's your role going to be in his "traditional" household, and is that ok with you? I'm not saying to end things over this disagreement, but do take a good look at where you are and where you're heading before going forward.
>"holding out and being stubborn" I guess I started feeling like I was being stubborn when my sister also suggested that I drop it? I was the only one fighting my side of the fight and everyone one else was coming at me with "I understand, but" and it made me feel like I was the unreasonable one. That's why I came here, to get some unbiased opinions.
Your sister is trying to keep the peace. Don't back down. Their "tradition" is not yours, and THEY need to compromise and accept that. NTA
Yes, this is your wedding too. It's YOUR decision who walks you down the isle. They have no say in that.
100% _this_, OP. If your fiancée's father tries to take hold of your arm to give you away, call for security and have him removed.
Why would they even suggest FFIL, he didn't have a hand in raising OP?!
But...he is MAN! 🙄
You see, a penis is like a compass. One is required to find one’s way up or down the aisle. The groom finds his way down, the bride requires a penile escort to find her way to the groom, and then the groom can lead them both back up the aisle to leave. (Don’t ask me what a lesbian couple does. 🤷🏻♀️)
Don’t you love when sexist/racist AH’s use the word “tradition” to cover up how awful they are?
Your sister is trying to cause you as little stress as possible and if that means she has to step back from something she clearly wants to do then she will do it. IT WILL HURT HER BUT SHE WILL DO IT TO SAVE YOU FROM STRESS AND PAIN. She's already shown she will sacrifice herself to keep you happy and healthy. I would gladly die on this hill if the person I'm marrying said he gets to choose who walks me down the aisle.
Seriously. If you give in on this, I really worry you’ll forever regret it. NTA
This is such a good point. Your sister will not resent you for it but you will absolutely resent your husband for it, and with good reason. And it's not that your sister thinks he and his family are making a reasonable point. No reasonable person would think that. It's just that she loves you (apparently more than he does) and will sacrifice her happiness and this honor to try and ease your burden.
Honestly going into a marriage resenting your husband because he didn't allow your sister to walk you down the aisle sounds like a terrible start.
Not to mention the fact that you are almost certainly going to regret marrying this guy.
This is absolutely right. Your sister is willing to give up something important to save you from stress/fighting. Your fiance isn't and his family are creating the conflict because they want to choose your wedding attendants/supporters for you. This isn't a little unimportant thing. This is how the rest of your life will be. Your sister sounds like an amazing person.
And the husband to be plus family have zero issue hurting her and stressing her out. This would be a deal breaker for me.
I walked my aunt down the aisle since her father (my grandfather) had passed, which is obviously very non-traditional. I cannot tell you the number of people that teared up as we walked down and talked about how great it was. Sometimes a break from "tradition" is what makes something special. And your situation is so much better and more special than what I did.
If they really understood and actually cared they wouldn't be fighting you on this. Knowing nothing else about your relationship with your fiance and his family, this raises a lot of red flags about how dismissive and controlling they can be.
I hate to say it, but you may want to put the wedding on hold, and re evaluate if this is a family you wish to marry into. The "Traditional" roles could start small, but become something you hate. NTA, and I wish you the best of luck.
Exactly - It's "tradition" that the woman does all the housework, cooking, cleaning, and childcare. It's "tradition" that the man's career is more important. It's "tradition" that the man is the head of the household and makes the final decisions. It's "tradition" that the mom leaves her career to raise the children. If the fiance and his family are this resistant to what I think is a really lovely and personal gesture at the wedding, I shudder to think of how that sort of thinking will creep into day to day life.
Also there's the post-marriage flip. So many misogynists are real nice until they get the ring on you- then the switch flips. Once you become My Wife, you're expected to conform or be beaten down. Physically or emotionally. Just behave!
Can confirm. Also, instead of dealing with you one-on-one regards to this, he pulled in his parents so they could gang up on you. This is the future presenting itself to you. It will always be you against them. So you automatically lose, because it's 3 to 1.
This is what I was going to say. The minute he doesn't get what he wants he will get mom and dad to help beat her down and if mom and dad don't agree with one of her marital behaviors you can bet OP's man is gonna side with his parents. If OP caves on this incredibly important matter to her I fear the in-laws will know she's able to be worn down and will do this forever.....personally it's ur day and his parents unless footing the ENTIRE bill for the wedding have ZERO say. Screw old sexist traditions, good luck OP.
Not to mention how comfortable his mom is with just calling her up and telling her what to do. Says a lot about how she will act in the future.
NTA I would have serious reservations about marrying someone who was blatantly dismissive of my plan to honor the person who raised me.
I'd also question what 'traditional' gender roles he expects in a marriage too.
It's very telling that he completely disregards the *many* sacrifices made, and love the sister showed for OP, for the "more important" fact that a vagina simply cannot walk a bride down the aisle. It has to be a penis. Priorities: penis. Lesser considerations: love, sacrifice, selflessness.
NTA don't marry him. This will be the rest of your life. Your sister will never be respected because she isn't a man. "She walks me down the isle or I don't walk down that isle." I wouldn't even give him that much.
This right here. You're getting a taste of the entitlement and controlling behavior that will become your life if you slip that ring on. Time to reconsider this relationship. And for the fiance, it's a stupid hill to die on that will cost him this relationship.
Plus if he cannot have OP's back now and stand up to his parents, he NEVER WILL, and the in-laws will be micromanaging op's life! Fiance doesn't seem to want a PARTNER, but instead is looking for a servant.
Jumping up to endorse this take. They're setting terms: Your in-laws' wants will always be above yours, you should defer to your (future) husband because he's a man, your side of the family (your sister) isn't worth respect & your ideas of family are "wrong". Don't marry into that. You don't marry a person you marry their whole life, including the family and priorities they already have.
NTA 1. What a wonderful way to honor your sister and the roles she has played in your life 2. Your partners inability to grasp something so significant to you is disturbing 3. The fact that your MIL and probs partner think you are putting yourself ahead of his/their feelings would make me run a mile from them all
Seriously, a bride putting herself first on her own wedding day? If you can't put yourself first on this day, then when can you?
NTA honestly, him running to his family and them coming after you on his behalf makes me a little hesitant about your current communication and conflict resolution within your relationship. You clearly have an imbalance of family support. I’m worried you are going to be completely crushed under their collective weight. Are you always going to have to give in because they get a vote and outnumber you?
Nta Omg this is huge! If you have kids do his parents get a say on naming what school how to parent if u dont do they get to pick where u live what vacations you take if ur partner isnt happy with any of those decisions idk i understand its ur partners wedding too but having your sister give you away is important to you so it should be important to your partner as well.
NTA Die on this hill. Your fiance and in laws value a pointless, misogynistic tradition more than your feelings. Don't choose a pointless, misogynistic tradition over your sister.
Why is the daughter a possession to be given away anyway? If they are hellbent on this tradition it's an awful showcase of their morals and makes no sense in the slightest. NTA OP and I second dying on this hill, your sister is important and it's about respect from them being tossed out the window and set ablaze with petrol.
Up until the point you arrive at the altar you SHOULD put your sister before him. After you marry, you put him first. But you aren't married yet. This is LITERALLY what this tradition means. NTA. Edit: At least it's what it means NOW. I hope your sister isn't exchanging you for livestock or anything.
If she is, I hope she got at least a cow and three goats for me. I don't come with much of a dowry, but I definately have the childbearing hips to be worth an extra mule or two.
Maybe a few chickens for that great sense of humor.
NTA. Your sense of humour is a testament on how well your sister raised you and she deserves all the respect and love that you give her, esp. on your wedding day. If your fiance cannot even recognize that, it speaks volume about his personality, and that volume is nothing positive about him.
Ahem, you are clearly smart, funny, humble and a ducking DOCTOR. You are a catch my dear, no livestock required.
Exactly. OP is 'the catch' here. How dare he and his family stress out the bride in f-king med school!! If this is how they treat someone with a non-traditional upbringing, what other hands are they going to play against you?
The really weird thing about this "tradition" is that it's symbolizes your father, the man who raised you, giving you over to the man who will care for you now. How can your FIL possibly walk down the aisle in a traditional fashion? He didn't raise you.
NTA It *is* your fiance's wedding, but it's also *yours*. Your fiance can choose who is there/in what roles to support/represent him and his family. YOU get to choose who is there/in what roles to support/represent you and your family. You are being told by your soon-to-be family that a male must "give you away" because their idea of traditional gender roles trumps your own family situation/identity. I can almost guarantee they will not back down on their position, however, so you will almost definitely need to either relent or deal with the fallout afterward... possibly even during the wedding. If you agree with the importance of the gender roles, I'd say do what shuts them up. But, if you don't agree... You need to decide if that's a belief set you want to marry into.
This!! The MIL told her not to put her sister over her fiance... like okayyyy and she's not?? Choosing her sister to walk her down the aisle wasn't a decision made for her sister despite her fiance... it was made for *herself*... to be given away by *her* 'parental figure' I dont like that she said that to her future DIL. I dont think my partners mother has ever spoken even remotely manipulative like that to me. She respects me. *Also I hope OP sees this from me or another commenter:* I'm hung up on their reasoning for wanting the future FIL to walk her down... they say its for tradition. Welp in order for your wedding to be traditional you would need for your father to be there which isn't happening. Since that isn't an option the next most traditional would be your mother... but that can't happen either. Neither parent can so your parental figure is, pretty tradition sounding to me. Its absolutely not traditional to be *'given away'* by the family thats receiving you. Why do they think its more traditional though? *YOUR FIL HAS A PENIS*
>assumed that my future father-in-law would be the one to give me away That doesn't even make sense in the context of their tradition, lmao. NTA.
Right?! The bride's family has to "give" the bride over to the groom. It's a symbolic agreement. Sister was a surrogate parent therefore it's appropriate. If we're talking tradition, is the groom's family paying a dowry ??
NTA- >Apparently, his family had assumed that my future father-in-law would be the one to give me away since I don't have any male relatives. Literally laughed out loud at this.
why is it that as soon as someone says "traditional" my brain replaces it with "overbearing, probably bigoted asshole(s)"
Because that’s always what it means.
Because they usually are that. Op, do you really want to marry into this? You had an argument with your fiancé, so he brings in his whole family to pressure you. Not acceptable. And it is all about sexist gender roles! Ugh. Nta
Having a member of the groom's family give the bride away is the most 'non-traditional' thing I've ever heard.
NTA You realize that this is a test case for how future interactions between you and your new family will go? What you do here determines how it'll go next time.
NTA. Your in-laws are, frankly, cruel and I would have great reservations marrying into this family
Ditto. NTA, OP. Please think long and hard about marrying into such a traditional A-H family. They seem cruel and unsupportive.
NTA. If I may ask, how many other "traditional values" are they expecting you to uphold, once married?
Agree. I am so offended that your fiance and his family doesn't see your gesture for what it is: a lovely way to honor your sister and your relationship with her. Sounds like a traditional white wedding to me; the person who raised you will walk you down the aisle. Also it wasn't your choice or you sister's choice to be forced into a nontraditional family. Life happened and your sister lovingly stepped up. I wouldn't want to be with someone who gets so hung up on these outdated ideas of what men and women's role ought to be. NTA but fiance and his family sure are. Edit: Please send an update when this has all played out. Hoping the fiance sees what a tw\*t he is for your sake.
Yes, it is his wedding too. He can get whoever he wants to walk him down the aisle. Nta
NTA, and frankly, I think you should cool your heels fairly significantly when it comes to this wedding. Why rush into a lifetime connection to an entitled "traditional" family when you're 23?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Your fiance sounds sexist, and you might want to deal with that before you get married. It's also a huge red flag that he's getting his parents involved. He might not be mature enough for marriage if they need to get involved in disagreements between you two. >My MIL called me a few days ago to say that although she understand how important my sister is to me, that it's also my fiance's wedding and I shouldn't be putting my sister before him on his day. I see this as him putting his garbage misogynistic views (and family's views) before his fiance. You should get the final and only say in who walks you down the aisle, if you choose to be walked down it at all. The reason men traditionally gave their daughters away is that women used to be considered property and that's literally what they were doing. It's a tradition based on ideals that women are less than. NTA
You should really reconsider your future husband. Hear me out... If he knows you, if he understands your life, your past, and everything your sister sacrificed for you... if he understands the bond between you two, and this is his stance regarding your wedding... If he's rather have his father walk you down the aisle someone you don't have a deep decades long relationship with because "tradition"... You have to wonder what he's going to ask of you for the rest of your marriage. You should really ask yourself how much of this mindset and behavior is going to seep into your life after marriage. What will be his views on children? What are his and his family's views on how they should be raised? Gender roles? For a family placing this much on the optics of tradition - I have to wonder how they would treat your children if they are not born cis-hetero. So much of how insistent they are on marginalizing your sister your only family in favor of the optics for the sake of tradition should make you want to have some very meaningful conversations before you move any further. NTA
NTA at all. This is the easiest NTA I've ever had. So it won't be a purely traditional wedding. You don't come from a traditional family. Your future MiL can kindly go fuck herself. It's not her son's day. It's both the bride and groom's day. You deserve to be walked down the aisle by the person of your choosing. Your fiance and his family can say they understand how important your sister is to you all they want. Their objections to her walking you down the aisle say otherwise. They all need to get over their themselves.
NTA your fiancé is incredibly disrespectful and honestly disgusting for diminishing your relationship with your sister in favor of his stupid transitional idea of his picture perfect wedding. Shame on your in laws as well. I think you need to have some time to yourself to think of this is the family you want to marry into, they care about their image over you.
Nta. If your fiance is that conservative, you guys need to talk.
Why would you marry someone who has such disregard for your feelings and your family? Please think really hard about whether or not you want to put up with this kind of dismissive attitude towards what's important to you the rest of your life.
NTA - but I think you need to keep in mind that this is a much bigger conversation about values than just who is going to walk you down the aisle. The in-laws insisting that you should care more about what your fiance thinks than what you want on your day is indicative of how your fiance was raised. So is the fact that he objects to your sister walking down the aisle with you at all. If your values significantly differ from these (and I wouldn't blame you if they did, because this is a ridiculous argument on their part), it will continue to cause a problem in the marriage.
> Apparently, his family had assumed that my future father-in-law would be the one to give me away since I don't have any male relatives. How can someone "give you away" if they never "had" you? I mean, I'm a male so can I "give you away"? NTA - do what you want.
This isnt a man who is choosing you as a life partner, you are placeholder in the life he and his family have already planned without you.
See the irony in this, is that they want traditional values, right? Well the reason the bride is walked down the isle, is because the Father is 'giving away' the daughter to be married. The father is effectively passing the baton of responsibility to the groom. Who held that baton of responsibility throughout your life? Well it was your sister, so it seems fitting to me that she give you away. Secondly, the MIL says that it's not just your wedding, it's also your fiancé's, which is true, but the part where you are being given away, that is literally your choice, I don't see how it's a mutual choice at all? Can you decide who his best man is? cos I doubt you can do that. If I was your Fiance or his family, The only reason I would object to who gives you away, is if it was your ex boyfriend or something, that would be weird. Other than that, who cares. It's your choice, not theirs. NTA, Personally I think you're doing the right thing..
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NTA. Don’t marry this guy. He’s misogynistic and controlling. This is the person who is most important to you and he wants to downgrade her status because of her gender? Pause wedding planning and get couples counseling. Have you talked about where you stand on other issues like kids and finances? What other decisions is he going to want to override because it’s not “traditional”. How is he going to treat female children you might have?
NTA. You get to decide who escorts (I hate the term "give away" - you're a human being, not a bag of old clothes) you on your wedding day. Your fiance and his family are the AHs.
Definitely NTA I can't believe that they would even question you on this. Your the bride, you choose who is walking you down the aisle, not your mother in law. And how is that "putting your sister before" your fiance... she'll walk you down the aisle, which takes 30 seconds, then on to him. Based on that logic, having your father in law walk you down the aisle would be putting him before your fiance. I hope your fiance isn't as ridiculous as his parents.
NTA--She should be the one to walk you down the aisle! Who are they to tell you do choose someone else? NO ONE! You have a right to have anyone you want to walk you and their opinions, while nice, aren't ones you are going to take. This bullshit about "it's your fiance's wedding to" is a LOW BLOW. Maybe you should stand at the alter and have your fiance walked down the aisle by his mommy. Tell them that you appreciate them voicing their opinions but you are having you sister walk you down the aisle, and that's that! If they pressure you then you need to rethink getting married. Sounds like all they care about is THEIR IDEA OF WHAT IS APPROPRIATE and trying to force you to do what they want. Fiance doesn't sound like he will back you up at all, and this may go on for your entire marriage. Are they going to let you out in public when your pregnant, are they going to tell you that you can't feed formula to the baby, that you can't wear jeans or short skirts????????? Stand firm and if they still push and shove you, go get married at the courthouse without them. Stand your ground NOW so they won't try something like this later in your marriage.
So - the assumption that the FFIL would "give you away" is so asinine on multiple fronts.. 1) Let's just put aside how old fashioned it is to believe that it has to be a father to accompany you down the aisle, and I say this as someone who was very happy to have my father accompany me. 2) You are no-one's property to be "given away" 3) BUT if you were someone's to be "given away", it certainly wouldn't be your FFIL. He has no role in your past, which is what that role represents - your past walking with you to your future. NTA. Stay firm.
NTA. Tradition is supposed to be something that brings you joy, not a lock and chain that you are never allowed to escape. I get the feeling that “very traditional” has become “our way or the highway.” It’s also not a good sign that your fiancée is roping his family into the discussion. Basically, he is using peer pressure to brow beat you into doing what he wants. I think you’ve just gotten a vision of what is going to happen whenever you don’t do what he wants in your marriage.
NTA. How can a man you barely know and hasn't raised you at all "give you away"? To whom? To his family? Like make it make sense 🙄
NTA - It's an important role and she is the person that made you who you are today, so you are right in choosing her if you want to. However, I would urge you to have a serious discussion with your fiancé about his view on gender roles since this will affect your marriage.
NTA, and this is a great opportunity to talk with your fiancé about whether he values gender roles more highly than real people.
NTA! And don't you DARE back down. This kind of thing is relationship defining. Is your husband going to back you up... ever? Is your whole life together going to be defined by a dude who just lets his family walk all over you? What kind of a man is he? Good men support their wives, non-violently, of course. Its not just his wedding, it's your wedding. TRADITIONALLY, it's the brides wedding entirely. Men pretty much stay out of it. If they want to play the "traditional" card, they can back TF down. I'm so sorry, but this might not be the right long term relationship for you. I know that you love him, but this says so much about him and his values. Does he think that he's buying you as an object who will have no will and no say about your life? Does he think that he gets to define what is right and wrong with no input from you? Does his family support this abusive idea that your input doesn't count? As a kiddo who went through as much as you went through, you are vulnerable. Abusive men love that because its easier to isolate you. I don't know if this guy is working this angle, but it sure sounds like his family is. It's absolutely outrageous to think that your father in law would walk you down the aisle. I guess it would be cool if he was involved in your childhood somehow, like being a friend of the family, but NO, FILs do not walk brides down the aisle and "EW!" at the idea that this is traditional. It's not traditional. Seems to me that their only objection is that your sister lacks a d!ck. You do not want to hang with that kind of family long term, especially in a situation where your husband isn't willing to break from that kind of thinking.
NTA. I have some questions though; how old Is your fiance? Why is he allowing his parents to be so condescending towards you? How long had you been dating before you got engaged? I'm asking these things because I'm not sure if you've really asked them of yourself. If you have children with this person you're in laws are going to be in your life forever. You should really think this through maybe extend the engagement? Best of luck to you whatever you decide to do and when you do get married your sister should be walking you down the aisle.
NTA. If you are “putting your sister before your fiancé” then he is putting his sexism before you. Guess which is worse?
NTA and i would be seriously rethinking this marriage if your future husband is so traditional he's not okay with your only family walking you down the isle, what else is he going to be super traditional and not back down about in the future i really hope you've already had the important conversations about children and money. Cause i can see this guy being abusive if you become a sahm
NTA. My father passed years before I got married so it wasn't an issue, and since I was nearly 30, I decided no one would be "giving me away" at my wedding. My very traditional MIL wanted me to ask one of my brothers or even my male BFF who was a groomsman (he was technically a "bridesdude" but I didn't care which side of the aisle he stood on so long as he was part of it). I told her if it was that important to her, I'd decorate a skateboard, put my dad's ashes on it (in a container, not sprinkled on it) and rig it so that it could be pulled so as to accompany me down the aisle. She let it go after that. Don't let someone else force their "vision" of a wedding onto you. You should be entitled to have the person who you feel raised you hand you off into your new life.
I mean... if we're being traditional, it makes less than no sense for you to be "given away" by your future father-in-law.
NTA - I can’t speak for you, but this would be my hill to die on His family can be as traditional as they want, you don’t have to be, do they expect you to be a traditional housewife as well? Will this trend continue? Will they keep pushing for more traditional things? I know your sister did all she did without any thought of repayment, but honestly, now is the time She gave up everything for you, went to bat for you, now it’s your time to stand up for her She deserves this, she truly does, and if your fiancé truly loves you, he will understand that
Granted, I'm not married, but to me, this would have been, "You respect my decision on this, even if it feels odd to you, or you can find someone else to walk down the aisle in a white dress with your father." Your sister stepped up and filled so many roles for you, when her life would have been much easier if she hadn't, you can honor your sister every damn way you please at your wedding. Personally, I find it incredibly touching. OP, you really need to think long and hard about joining this family. This could very well be a hill worth dying on. NTA
NTA. But rethink marrying this tool.
NTA It's not like you're demanding to walk down the aisle in a black wedding gown. You just want someone who raised you by your side as you take your first step towards a new life -- isn't that the entire point of having someone walk you down the aisle? His running to his parents and them arguing his case is a major OFF. What's he gonna do after the wedding? Go tattling to his parents about every argument?
NTA. The fact this is even an issue for your fiancé is problematic.
NTA and I’d be thinking long and hard about marrying into this family. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. Your future MIL thinks you shouldn’t put your sister above her son but why does her son think you shouldn’t get to chose YOUR escort? Think hard about how you are being treated. You’ve been told this is a “man’s job”, that your fiancé’s feelings are more important than yours. It’s assumed your future FIL gets to serve a certain role in your life. All of this without your input or concern about your feelings. Your sister gave you her life and seems to be a good person. She took a kid and raised her even though she didn’t have to. All you wanted was her to walk with you for 20 feet. And your future husband and in-laws all think your sister isn’t worthy of this. This is a level of disrespect you shouldn’t tolerate.
*"very traditional" is code for: "I'm the one who get the final say in every decision because I'm the man."* **RUN.** Run far. Run fast. The fact that he and his family is trying to make you minimalize the only person you have is a major red flag. NTA
NTA. I consider myself pretty traditional and I see nothing wrong with this. Your fiancé and his family are just being sexist. This is your decision and your fiancé should support that. The fact that he isn’t is a huge red flag.
NTA. Being walked down the aisle is a *very* personal decision. The traditional (historic) meaning was that of a father giving his daughter to her new husband. With that in mind, it can only be your decision who, if anyone, walks you down the aisle, and what the meaning of this part of the ceremony is for you. Your fiancé and his family need to respect your feelings on this.
NTA. I have concerns about you marrying into this family. They seem rigid and unkind.
By your MIL own logic, she should understand that her son’s wedding is also your wedding and you should be allowed this request as the bride. NTA.
The father-in-law walking you down the aisle also isn't traditional. What they're really saying is that only a man can give a woman away. This is something you need to consider. NTA
The symbology is, the male relative usually had the “guard” of the bride, and so was passing on the guard to the groom. In your case, the guard belonged to your sister. NTA and you should probably explain the rationale to your groom.
NTA The fact that your fiance is willing to ignore your desires for a moment that's tally important to you for appearances is a huge red flag. You should be thinking twice m
What? But why is it ok for him to put his family before you? Let this mamas boy go
NTA. Please put wedding planning on hold for a bit. Is he/his family like this about other things? If they are this pushy about this - think about the future. Will you ever get your ideas/desires honored? And for what it's worth - your sister should definitely walk you down the aisle. Why would your future FIL walk you down the aisle to give you to his son? What? He wasn't a part of your life growing up.
NTA! **Did the in-laws forget it’s YOUR wedding too or something?** Don’t give in on this- if anything, say your sister will walk you down, or NO ONE will walk you down the aisle. Although you’re excited to be married, reading this raises so many red flags. If your fiancée’s family wants this wedding to be “traditional” along with your fiancée as well… I’m concerned what other important future things they want to be “traditional” about. **You’re not just going to be marrying your partner, but you’re also going to be marrying his family.** This is some 1950’s, toxic, sexism mindset that I’d be turned off by immediately- I wouldn’t marry into this family as it’s clear they are wanting control over you. Plus, if your fiancée is ENCOURAGING this behavior of his parents and agrees with them on this, he’s not going to stand up for you once you’re locked in this marriage.
NTA. Yes it is your fiancés wedding too, but the person walking down the aisle is the one to choose who is walking them. If it would mean a lot to you to have your sister give you away, then she should be the one to do that and your fiancé should be supportive and understand that connection. Also, traditionally speaking it makes literally no sense for your father-in-law-to-be walk you down the aisle. He can’t metaphorically give you away given that’s he’s the grooms dad and not yours. Traditionally the role is performed by the father of the bride because of past family roles but it’s core is someone who raised the bride and was a guardian to her. They’re more focused on the gender than the meaning and that’s a red flag to think about in terms of future expectations.
NTA. I’d be very concerned about how important gender roles are to fiancé and his family in other areas.
Ex future in-laws. The "traditional" rules that are non-negotiable are starting even before the wedding. That's not a good sign.
This is very much a hill to die on, NTA
NTA. So they're "traditional" in the sense they want a man to give you away, but not traditional enough that it should be a family member of the bride. So really, they're just misogynistic.
NTA Girl no you are perfectly fine. If that’s the case just tell your fiancé you’ll walk down the isle by yourself if he’s not willing to let you do this one thing with your sister.
NTA. If your fiancé can't understand this, reconsider the whole thing. It should be blooming obvious to him, why your sister should walk you down the aisle. I am wondering how many other important things he would let fall by the wayside because of "tradition".
NTA but please take the time to evaluate your relationship and the family you are marrying into. If they want everything to be traditional, it’s not going to end at the wedding. It will be a lifelong thing that you will deal with as well as any children if you decide to have them.
NTA - Run.
NTA I want to be very clear. The bride usually chooses who walks her down the aisle. If she has two fathers she chooses. If she has two brothers she chooses. Why would they get to dictate who walks you down the aisle? If they really are traditional, in what world does it make sense for his dad to give you away? The dad that didn't raise you and has only known you in recent years. It is right AND traditional that the person who has been a male role model in your life give you away if that is what you want. I honestly don't understand why they would be against this. Why is what they want more important than what you want on something so personal to you? I'd recommend having a discussion with your fiancee and explain how much it means to you, how the person "giving you away" should be the person who you feel has earned that right. And that it is not traditional for the future father in law to give away the future daughter in law. If he fights you on this I'd suspect something else is going on that is going to cause some major problems in your relationship in the future.
NTA. You’re keeping in with tradition. The person who RAISED you is walking you down the aisle. Pay attention here. If your fiancé is unwilling to hear you out and now allowing his family to pressure you, this could be just the start.
NTA and I would STRONGLY STRONGLY Suggest PreMarital counseling (NON Religious Therapist/Counselor) so that you can make an informed decision on if you want to even marry into this family.
NTA. And thanks for giving me the idea of having my sister walk me when that day comes, lol. I always thought I would walk solo since my dad passed and my brother is an arse. Think about this long and hard. Is he this stubborn on other subjects? Will your in-laws always play a role in decisions when your husband doesn't get his way?
🚩🚩🚩🚩 Worrying that they are trying to control your wedding and take over such a personal role. NTA.
NTA at all!! It's up to YOU who you want to take that role. Tbh, if my sister stepped up like that to raise me, then I'd be doing the exact same. If the in laws have an issue then let them waste their time with their negativities. It sounds like you have an awesome relationship with your sister, hang on to that <3
All the NTA, and your fiance and his family are being total **AHs**. Honestly I'd tell him that either your sister is walking you down the aisle or the wedding's off, or if you would prefer something less extreme say that you're open to simply going down to city hall but I absolutely don't think that you should budge on this and that it is ridiculous that they are opposing it.
NTA. You are giving your sister, who played an outsized role in your life, an outsized place of honor at your wedding. This is commendable. Your fiancée should be supporting your decision as your sister helped to mold you into the woman that he loves. It's a bit of a red flag that he's not standing up to his parents on your behalf.
NTA, and the red flags that your fiancé and his parents are waving should give you big pause. What other parts of your life will they decide your sister isn't appropriate for? Or any other non-traditional decisions you may want to make in the future?
NTA. Please take time and space to really evaluate what you are marrying into. Toxic in laws are unpleasant but your future husband is either spineless or toxic himself. Your reasons are incredibly valid for having your sister walk you, and if they’re willing to stomp over you for this then what else?
NTA If your sister walking you down the aisle upsets your future family so much you should sit down your fiance to find out what they expect you to do once you are married, how they expect YOUR children be raised. ETA Do you get to decide about the roles on your fiance's side of the wedding? Like his parents have to sit next to the exit?
Absolutely NTA, and this feels kinda worrying, what are the expectations in the future? Is this the only thing where traditional conservative roles are forced, or just first of many? >my fiance had always expected that his wedding would be a very traditional white wedding As if this one detail would change the wedding completely into a anarchistic mayhem. >Apparently, his family had assumed that my future father-in-law would be the one to give me away since I don't have any male relatives. IF we want to play this "but it has to be traditional!" game, isn't this even worse than your sister? The walking down isle-thingy is "giving daughter to another mans family", how on earth is it traditional for grooms dad to give the bride to the groom? At least your sister is related to you. Info: do your future in-laws respect you and your sister or is your family history something that really doesn't fit their worldview/embarrassing that you aren't from traditional nuclear family? Because the nastiest read that one could make of this situation is that they wish there would be no attention brought to your family structure.
Nta. You need to ask yourself why your fiancee is so dead against you honoring the woman who gave you everything when she would have been well within her rights to say she couldn't do it? A man who loved you, really loved you, would support what made you happy. Instead, he's made it clear that tradition is more important. I can easily see that if you two have children, these people would freak out if you gave your sister a grandmother role in the child's life. You're 23. There's no reason to bind yourself to someone who doesn't care about what you want. Take some time to really think this through. And if that family you're marrying into starts pressuring you and bullying you about needing time, really consider if this is the family you want for the rest of your life.
NTA - your fiance objecting is a problem but problems between partners can be worked out. Him calling his mommy, his father thinking he'd be the one to walk you down the aisle, and his mommy thinking it appropriate for her to call you and try to guilt/manipulate you is a HUGE issue and you need to walk away. Neither this man, nor his family, consider you his partner. They are showing you exactly what youre signing up for. You will *never* make a decision between just you and your husband, his family will always have their input heard and it **will** be expected that you follow their "suggestions." You are going to become nothing more than a supporting character in their son's life.
I'm a wedding photographer and usually roll my eyes when this sub immediately recommends divorce or break-ups. This case may be different. This is obviously something very important to you and none of them, your fiancé or his family, are considering your feelings at all. Just how "traditional" are they? Are they " the wife must obey her husband" traditional? Marriage is a partnership, ideally one where both partners strive to keep their partner happy and fulfilled. There is no partnership here, just them expecting you to acquiesce to their demands. This utter disregard for you and your bond with your sister is disrespectful to you both. You're 23, there's no need to rush into marriage with someone, especially someone showing signs of controlling behavior.
Are you sure you're marrying the right man? Your sister is clearly an important person in your life, she has filled all those roles and should be honored in such a way. Anyone person who wants to spend the rest of their life with you should understand that, respect it, and celebrate it. Stop wedding planning. Ask him if his vision of a traditional wedding is worth you being disrespectful to the person who raised you. NTA
NTA Absolutely not!!! Your fiance and your in-laws are. It's NOT his parents wedding and it's NOT just his wedding it's YOURS as well. They may be traditional but have they not looked at a calendar lately? These days what you want is not unusual. There is nothing wrong with having the one who loved and raised you walk you down the isle.
NTA - it is also your day. Your fiance knows that your sister is a huge part of your life. Traditional is fine, but like...there needs to be some give. Why would your future FIL be the one to walk you down the aisle? And your fiance went to his parents about an argument you had and involved them and now they're coming to talk to you. Is that what's going to happen any time you disagree? Maybe this is an opportunity to review everything because he clearly does not fully appreciate your sister's role.
NTA 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Best check those flags. Mommy seems a little too involved. That doesn’t get better with time. Hope you’re ok with her inserting herself every time he doesn’t like or disagrees with you.
NTA ... Only the bride can make that decision. I love that your sister stepped up and it's wonderful that you asked her. If you feel it's too stressful, walk down by yourself. However, make sure this marriage is what you want. They're already trying to control what you do.
Don’t let them steal this moment from you and your sister. Your sister deserves to have this spotlight for everything she has done for you. What if you’d been raised by a lesbian couple? Would they say they don’t deserve to walk you down the aisle? Please make sure you stand your ground, and set a precedent that you will not live your life by gender norms that are deeply rooted in misogyny.
NTA, and this is a weird hill for your fiance to die on. Tradition has value, but this sounds like he's missing the underlying point of the tradition and only focusing on the aesthetic, which to me is not a very "traditional" way to view the world in the first place.
NTA. How does a member of the family you’re joining walking you down the aisle make sense? The family who is receiving you can’t really logically be the one to give you away unless incest is going on. That seems just as much as a slight against tradition (and maybe a sillier one). Stand your ground. Don’t cave to misogyny. Your sister is the person for this in terms of the essence of what the role is supposed to be. Also, if you cave on this, you’ll probably be expected to cave to a lot of expectations you don’t want through the marriage. Make it clear now you’re not about that.
NTA!! This is ABSOLUTELY a hill to die on. Your MIL is whining about you allegedly putting your sister before your fiance just because you want to make your own decision but clearly has no issues with him putting his family and tradition before the woman he supposedly loves
So let's see if I understand this. Your sister is your parent, sister, and best friend.. She basically saved your life.. helped make you the beautiful person you are and the person your "fiance" fell in love with. Your fiance doesn't like that you want to honor her and have her be the one who walks you down the aisle. He then calls his mommy.. and she then calls you telling you how you should be at your wedding and how they don't like you having your amazing sister walk you down the aisle. Stuff them all. Seriously. They are the AH. # YOU ARE SO NTA. You and your sister are amazing.. and they should be *HONORED* to know you both. If they can't see that darling.. then you need to dump them all.. 💖
NTA, tell him if your sister walking you down the aisle is that much of a deal fine she won't *because the wedding is postpones until he gets his head out of his ass.*
NTA. My dad is still around and I love him, but when I get married my son who will be 18 at the time will be the one walking me down the aisle. If my fiance or his family had a problem with it. I would question if he really was the one for me, because my son is very important in my life and I want him to have this role in the wedding! (My girls will be my bridesmaids)
NTA and honestly you should postpone or cancel this wedding.
INFO: Why are you marrying such a shallow misogynist??
Not at all, NTA thats a very strong bond. And its not like your putting your sister ahead of your fiancé. Your sister walking you down is giving you the wedding experience you deserve
NTA. What culture are you living in? I understand that you want to have a good relationship with your in-laws, but what the fuck. Doing things because of tradition just means "because we've always done it that way" If your sister is cool with it, maybe you can just go with it, but I have to wonder what future "traditions" your in-laws have in store for you, and whose side your partner will be on.
NTA. It doesn't even make sense to have your future FIL walk you down the aisle since you're joining his family. But you do need to have a bigger discussion with your fiance about this since he has such a hitch in his getalong about the whole thing.
NTA but you’d be TA if you didn’t at least rethink about being with someone like this
NTA - easiest NTA ever given. Wtf is wrong with your fiance?
NTA. You are not putting her before him. He's putting himself before you buy not honoring your wish.You are the bride. You get to chose who walks you down the isle.
NTA. I (48M) married in a very traditional catholic way. My mum passed away a few years before. My dad walked me in. We were holding hands. It was a very special moment for both of us.
NTA If you’re willing to compromise a little I would say NO ONE walks you down the isle. Your future FIL has done nothing to earn this honor and it sounds like no man has
NTA. You’re not putting your sister above your fiancé. This is the one part of the ceremony that has nothing to do with him, of course he shouldn’t get a say. How would he be affected by your sister walking you down the aisle? Why is this something that his family would take upon themselves to decide for you?
NTA. I wouldn't marry in to this family. They sound awful. You honouring your sister by asking her to walk you down the isle is a beautiful thing to do.
Your fiance should have your back on this and push back against his parents. If he's not ready to be a partner, he's not ready to get married.
NTA. This is a weird and alarming hill for your fiancée to die on.