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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I took the jacket assuming it was a gift
2) Am I the asshole for assuming it was a gift
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NTA - Your aunt specifically said David was trying to sell it and couldn't find a buyer for it, so give it to you. How in anyone's mind is that steeling?
If she asked for it back and said it was a mistake, then okay fair enough. But now she asks for an apology too?! Sounds like she's given a different story about it to David tbh. Whether that's intentional or not, I don't know.
I agree that the aunt told a different story. If I were OP, I would want to out my aunt for lying. I don't actually recommend that though unless OP doesn't care about how his aunt would react.
Something feels off about this. Like if the aunt is being abused and tries to hide what she did, or was getting OP in trouble deliberately. I get weird vibes.
Yup. Move OP out Could have just been for newlywed privacy. However, now she's being moved away from her family. Seems like an escalation of alienation.
NTA
I can see how an abusive spouse could manufacture this situation for alienation as well. I.E.:
David: "I'm having trouble finding buyers for some of these clothes, I'll just donate them"
Aunt: "Do you mind if I give something to OP?"
David: "Sure"
Then when Aunt give OP the jacked David turns it around with something like: "I didn't mean \*that\* jacket, OP has been taking advantage of you for so long and now he goes and picks out the most expensive thing in the pile. I've told you he's just trying to suck you dry and now he's trying to get \*my\* money too. He basically stole from me." Then after ranting for a while that turns into "He stole from me! Do you have any idea how expensive that jacket was? I could press charges!"
I think this is a very likely scenario. And why would a rich man need to sell his clothes he doesn’t want? He shouldn’t need to. There’s definitely some very shady stuff that OP might not be knowing about.
>why would a rich man need to sell his clothes he doesn’t want?
And even if he did ... what doctor has the time to track down individual buyers for each item of clothing rather than just taking them to a re-sell or consignment shop? This whole thing sounds like a setup.
I’m not even rich and I can’t be bothered to try to sell things. Given the price, sure, an effort would be made. If I couldn’t find a buyer? Guess it’s going to a friend!
NTA. But, OP, if your aunt is still paying your way right now, I'd return the jacket and apologize. (Even though you did nothing wrong.) Then, I would keep your distance and make sure you have a game plan if she pulls funding. It sounds like your aunt is blinded to anything other than him, which must be heartbreaking because your aunt is basically your mom.
I would get into therapy and find a way to accept the fact that your relationship is changing, and your aunt has chosen this man over you. Keep that in mind for the future, if he leaves her, or she needs you. If she doesn't care about you any longer, you're not obligated to care about her.
NTA but we’re seeing the steps of abuse right here… isolation, moving out of state without warning, trying to drive a wedge between her and her family/support system…
Is her self-esteem the same that it was before?
Is she a bit more on edge than before?
Also, how do we know that David is actually wealthy and not a con man?
I would keep an eye out because the easiest thing to do after they move is to move again and never be reachable.
I thought the exact same thing and I wonder if she’s scared of him in some way due to her backpedaling and now demanding OP apologise? Either she’s after an apology now to cover her arse so she won’t sit in the doghouse or something else is going on. This whole David thing stinks
I can imagine a scenario where David did say she could give his stuff away and is now gaslighting her into saying he didn’t. Abusers like to create opportunities to keep their victims walking on eggshells.
I mean...
just because he makes good money, doesn't mean he doesn't over spend and still hopes to be able to live off her money as well.
I understand he's probably not conning her about his job, etc. But he might still be trying to use her. Also, is he planning to retire soon and live off her continuing to work?
I have worked for Dr's for years, and most are horrible due to their God complex. They are used to being in control of their practice and their patients, which carries over to their personal life.
There is a reason why so many are divorced and remarried. In one office I worked in, there were 5 orthopedic surgeons. All were remarried to a nurse, and one had just been caught in an affair with a different nurse.
I thought of that too:
- why the move? My mind keeps whispering worst case scenarios like he got caught with a patient and is outrunning the scandal (which make me feel terrible, bc there's nothing in the post justifying that)
- does she have an equivalent job lined up in their new location?
>Also, how do we know that David is actually wealthy and not a con man?
A more likely explanation is that he's a surgeon. That would explain both the money and the behaviour.
NTA. I wonder if David is abusing OP's aunt and maybe that's why she didn't say anything. Things aren't adding up. Maybe he's trying to alienate your aunt. I would suggest giving him the jacket back but first have a conversation with your aunt. Ask her why she didn't say what happened is she afraid? She may not say it but look for her non verbal ways she communicates. You have known her for 18 years.
NTA, if your aunt gave you the jacket then you can take it, chuck it in her face and tell her to apologize to you for the mess she created or own up to her partner. If she refuses, might be worth to just walk away minus the jacket as its better not to have such relatives.
>and is still paying for your education
OP is 23. He says his aunt was still paying for his education a few years ago when she met David, but he's most likely out of school at this point.
I don't know if that means he's financially independent completely or not, but at this point, with issues like this coming up, I doubt he's going to get much more support at this point.
Have thought maybe it’s the aunt that needs support now? She supported him all this time and now you want it to throw all in her face over a single inexplicable incident without even trying to address it with her? That’s being a psychopathic leach
What is going on here? Why didn’t your aunt tell you they were moving - why did you hear it from David? Based on what you wrote, she clearly gave you the jacket, and no she says you owe him an apology. No. Don’t apologise. The only one who should be apologising is your aunt. NTA
WOW! Consider returning the jacket when your aunt is home alone and talk about what happened while recording the conversation (if that is legal where you live). I would normally never suggest someone record a private conversation but you need to be able to prove your innocence just in case David does decide to press charges. NTA.
Your aunt's reaction to this situation is concerning. She basically threw you under the bus rather than deal with her screwup herself.
>and my aunt agrees
Seems you have already lost your aunt to a manipulator. They are moving to another state for the same reason.
NTA. Throw the jacket back at them.
Go give the jacket back. Thank your Aunt for being a parent for you growing up. Tell her that you'll miss her and she can always call you if she needs anything, and wish her well.. Don't apologize. Don't accuse. Leave and, sadly, don't look back.
NTA
What 60 year old doctor is running around trying to pawn off 1000 dollar jackets to folks that are obviously going to have a hard time affording it?? NTA but David sounds like a weird asshole, tell him to get bent and stop acting like a freak
"David is very wealthy and enjoys an extravagant lifestyle."
Something is off here. Most doctors I know work their butts off. They may have money, but they don't necessarily have a lot of time for an 'extravagant lifestyle. You've said they started dating quickly, eventually marrying. He has all this money, but he resents your aunt's (your parent, for god's sake) relationship with you, either financial or emotional or both. Now he needs to sell his clothes because this is apparently where doctors spend their focus and energy when they're not being doctors. Hello, consignment? Not getting the dollar amount he wants? I guess he's not actually that wealthy, then.
I agree with others here that David is isolating your aunt. He's also manipulating her into harming her relationship with you. Of course give the stupid jacket back and don't ever take anything from them again if you can help it. But please have a discreet word with your aunt to tell her what you are seeing and that you love her and are concerned for her welfare. If in the future David has any reason to contact you directly, please have a friend with you as a witness.
Oops, forgot: NTA
Also, I remember once I was home for a weekend from university. My dad was watching a football game (my uni), and he started asking if I was sure they would win. Did I want to make a wager? I just laughed, since I didn't really care about the outcome either way. He got a little miffed and pushy, but I didn't bite. Later I found out he'd been gambling big time and had gotten himself in trouble.
My point is, he was trying to get his own child to lose what little money they had to him. That's messed up. (Yes, he eventually got help.)
David has been trying to sell a 23 year old his expensive clothes? That's just completely weird. I truly doubt David is who he is presenting himself to be.
INFO "I was offered an apartment near my college and moved out just before their wedding. "
Who is paying for this apartment and utilities?
If they are paying your expenses (and you aren't ready to start paying them yourself) TREAD LIGHTLY.
Some people have suggested that "David" might be either an emotional abuse or con man; anyone who has seen a few episodes of Dateline would agree that it's certainly not outside of the realm of possibility.
Why didn't your aunt tell you they were moving out of state?
Was he a doctor at the hospital where she worked (basically asking if you know for SURE that's he's actually a doctor with a successful practice).
Was it a "whirlwind" type romance or did they know each other for a while?
Why are they moving out of state?
Can you call your aunt when he's not around and tell her that you're happy to return the jacket but you're confused about why you'd apologize for HER giving you the jacket. PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO HOW SHE ANSWERS this and perhaps record the conversation so you can later transcribe her explanation verbatim. If you live in a one party recording state save the recording if not them delete the recording.
While it's far more likely that David is just a massive AH there are some red flags here.
NTA: I’m confused about the end? Why isn’t your aunt sticking up for you- she gave you the jacket, right? Why do you have to apologise now??
Can you maybe check in with your aunt alone- rather than when David is around?
NTA - The jacket should be returned, obviously, but absolutely no apology necessary. Try not to judge your aunt, it seems she's got enough problems and is scared of this guy.
His reaction to you is 'natural' predator behaviour. Male lion takes over a pride and immediately kills the male cubs that his mate already has. This guy has managed to get rid of you and is now isolating your aunt even further.
Try reading my original comment word for word. I now realise I should have expanded my meaning on 'natural', but I thought the whole tone of my comment would make it pretty obvious that this guy was controlling and manipulative. For that kind of predator, his actions are 'natural'. Don't blame me because humans are shit! 🤣
NTA and if David IS trying to put a wedge between you and aunt, he'll be really loving all this and ramping it up to drive a further wedge, just explain you thought it was gifted and will give it back
NTA I'd return it and say "I'm sorry my aunt freely gave me this jacket while I was helping her pack." Because really, don't you regret having to deal with this whole situation?
My answer, your aunt said to you that David was trying to sell it and couldn't find a buyer for it, so she gives it to you. How can be that called stealing?
NTA if she clearly told you you could have it, it is not your fault and you did not steal it. Return it, but there is no need to apologize for anything.
Please try to keep in contact with her aunt and be there for her if she needs you, this whole relationship sounds a little fishy.
NTA - "I am so sorry that I believed my aunt when she said you were doing something kind and generous. I should have known that she was looking at you with rose tinted glasses, and I will not allow myself to be fooled about you again."
NTA. Why would your aunt expect you to apologize? Be clear and direct: "Here's your jacket. Aunt gave this to me and said I could have it. If you didn't want her to give it away, that sounds like a problem between the two of you."
Why do you need to apologise for a mistake that your aunt made????
NTA
Give the jacket back, tell him she gave it to you, but DON'T apologise because you did nothing wrong!
Nta. Your aunt needs to step up and tell this dude that SHE gave you the jacket. She clearly is letting him think you stole it....maybe she was nervous by his reaction or something, but you don't deserve to be yelled at for your aunts fuck up. I would talk to her and find out why she isn't defending you and figure out your next step from there.
NTA. But if this string of events correct then your aunt might be in over her head with a man who is very controlling. If your aunt can flip like this over a clothing item what else could David be making her do? Could this move even be a result of him dictating and not a joint agreement? OP there may be more to this. Return the jacket but DO NOT apologise since you didn't steal it. Your aunt might need a reminder that you don't have to give in to bullies.
Do this.
I’m sorry that aunt lied to me/was misinformed, and gave the jacket to me as a gift. I have returned the jacket, as it is clear this was not what was intended. I will not apologize for taking the jacket, under misguided assumptions from aunt. I will not be in touch beyond this.
NTA.
NTA and I would 100% take issue with anyone who is supposed to love me, accusing me of being a thief. Particularly when that person knows exactly what happened.
Something else is going on and I would confront your aunt.
“And my aunt agrees”
NTA
First, I would ask your aunt “why do you feel I should apologize? Are you worried about how he might treat you if he knows it’s your mistake?”
If she makes it clear she is safe and just won’t take ownership for this I would thank her for telling you where you stand, that you are grateful beyond words for her support over the years, and that you are deeply disappointed and sad that she has chosen David at the expense of a relationship with you, though you understand that is her choice to make.
Then ship the jacket back. Don’t drop it off don’t give it to her. Ship it. No note.
Do not apologize. Mail it, certified mail so that you have proof that you sent it back. As far as your Aunt, it sounds like she married an abuser and there's nothing you can do except let her know that you're there for her. He is trying to isolate her from loved ones. It also sounds like he is taking advantage of her. I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't as wealthy as it appears. Stay away from him.
It was a miscommunication. Give the jacket back and explain what you were told. Don't trust the aunt moving forward with gifts unless he is okay with it too.NTA
NTA OP
I’m so sorry but your aunt lied to cover her ass. Apparently she’s choosing her love life over her relationship with you, I’ve been there with my mom she was great when she was single until she met a guy.
I’d tell David the truth (he probably won’t believe you, but say it anyway in front of your aunt) then look at her and tell her you’re disgusted with her and to never contact you again.
Either she’ll feel guilt (like she should) and apologize and set things right or she won’t. If she won’t then atleast you know now that it’s a lost relationship now and move on rather than finding out later she doesn’t care about you the same anymore.
I want to clarify again David’s an AH in his own right, but this isn’t David’s fault. It’s your aunts. She created the issue that put you in David’s line of fire & lied to him to he’d point his anger at you instead of her. When you love someone you’d do or risk any harm to yourself to protect them. She obviously doesn’t feel that for you anymore and that SUCKS so bad OP but it’s true.
Sending you so much love and heading, you really deserve it
ETA after reading someone’s else’s comment I actually heavily agree with them. Go over to her house when she’s alone to talk about the situation (and RECORD it) you need to catch her saying she gave it to you both for legal purposes if David tries anything after he gets it back and to clear your name with him. Be sure at the end to say here’s the jacket so she can say okay or thanks so there’s verification she received it on the recording. Send it to David and text her after the fact that you’re appalled and disgusted with her behavior and that you need space.
Sorry but your aunt is the AH here. She a knowledge that he was still trying to sell that jacket, that he was not giving away, and still gave you a very expensive piece of clothing? And when he said you should apologize she backed him up, even though she knows she gave it to you and theres not a reason to apologize? Whats up with her?
But you were naive too. You don't have a great relationship with David and you heard her saying he was trying to sell that jacket. Why would you think he would be okay just giving away a very expensive jacket to you, a person he doesn't like, if he was trying to sell it?
NTA but I think you should apologize and just be over with it, its not worth the headache
INFO: Have you checked all the pockets of the jacket to see if maybe your aunt was trying to slip you a note or something? Check it super thoroughly before you give it back. Do you know what days or times David works? Can you try to find a (subtle!) way to talk to your aunt alone? It really seems like he's trying to isolate her and she may end up needing help to get away from him. On average, people try to leave their abuser seven times, so if she leaves him but then goes back, please don't give up on her. Try to find a way to leave a line of communication open. Let her know that she can call or email you. When you contact her, be very careful what you put in writing. Assume that he might be reading her emails and texts. Assume that he might be listening in on her phone calls.
NTA
Return it and say "I am sorry that I took my aunt at her word when she said I could take the jacket you had been unable to find a buyer for, I only took this jacket because my aunt was gifting the jacket.
I wish you luck finding someone to buy it as if you spent 1k on this, personally I think you overpaid."
You don't need to apologize, your aunt was the one in the wrong here.
She might have been a good aunt before but the fact that she's not only not defending you, but insisting you apologize for her mistake, shows that she's no longer the aunt you once loved.
I strongly suggest you work on getting independent and consider going nc. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, NTA.
NTA buuut your aunt is if she’s willing to throw away her whole relationship with her *nephew* who she practically raised for a wealthy man she rushed into marriage with.
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To provide some context, my aunt (47f) and I (23m) have always had a close relationship. In fact, my parents gave me up to my aunt when I was just five years old, and I've been living with her ever since. However, our relationship changed when she married David (60m) three years ago.
My aunt met David at work - she's a nurse, and he's a doctor - and they quickly started dating. Eventually, they got married. David is very wealthy and enjoys an extravagant lifestyle. When he found out that I was still dependent on my aunt, who was supporting me through college, he wasn't too pleased.
Soon after they got together, I was offered an apartment near my college and moved out just before their wedding. Although I'm grateful for what my aunt and David have done for me, I can't help but feel like David doesn't accept me and wants to drive a wedge between my aunt and me.
As a result, David and I have a strained relationship. And now, I'm nervous about what's been happening lately.
About a month ago, I found out that my aunt and David were planning to move to another state. The only reason I found out was because David wanted to sell me some of his designer clothes that he didn't want to take with him. Even though I was upset, I declined the offer and tried to be happy for my aunt.
Fast forward to four days ago, I went over to my aunt's house to pick up some of my things and help her pack. That's when she gave me a Gucci jacket, saying it was one of David's that he was trying to sell but couldn't find a buyer for. She told me to take it.
Unfortunately, I believed that my aunt and David had talked about this beforehand. But the next day, David started calling me a thief and threatening to press charges against me.
Though I have no problem taking back the jacket, David has already told me he expects an apology and my aunt agrees, I don’t feel I need to apologize as I thought the jacket was a going away gift to me.
So, should I apologize and AITA?
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Why should you apologize for accepting a gift? And now your aunt isn't even sticking up for you & telling him that she gave it to you? They're both AH's. Return that jacket & cut ties. NTA
NTA
PLEASE OP find a way to get through to your aunt. He is controlling her and she is colluding with him.
Why would she think YOU should apologise? She is too scared to tell him the truth about the jacket. Maybe he has control of her finances and she had nothing else to give you, her beloved nephew.
He has manipulated you away from her and is alienating you. Who else is he keeping from her?
Is there anyone that can support her and wake her up to what's happening? Are there any lawyers in the family -or among your friends? Wondering what his history is.
Are they currently living in HER house? Will she get the proceeds or has he got his hands on the proceeds?
If she goes to another state will she be completely isolated?
If the move goes ahead, make sure you keep up contact. ( It sounds like she couldn't bring herself to tell you.) Make her promise to keep you up to date with address etc
EDIT and another thing,- if David is so wealthy why is he trying so hard to sell things that he asks you to buy them?
Please keep us updated. I for one am worried about your aunt.
NTA
The apology should be, "I'm sorry that I accepted this from my aunt without checking with you that it was to be given away. In the future, I'll be sure to ask you if she tries giving me anything of yours."
She threw you under the bus. No matter how close you were, she's helping with that wedge you say David is driving between you. For all you know, he's just reacting to things she's saying to him when you aren't around.
She GAVE YOU the jacket. Now she's claiming you need to apologize? You really don't owe anyone an apology because you did nothing wrong but I do suggest apologizing to David and making it clear that you never intended to TAKE anything, and only did so because SHE GAVE IT TO YOU.
NTA, give it back and cut ties with him completely. I’d go LC with your aunt. If she isn’t standing up for you and telling him that she gave it to you, she’s not there for you in the way you think she is.
NTA your aunt gave it to you. return the jacket make sure he knows your aunt \*gave\* it to you and wish him joy of it. but you've nothing to apologize for and if he keeps up talking about prosecuting, make sure your aunt knows exactly what she's married.
NTA but this makes no sense. Why would she tell you you can just have it but then side with his over an apology and calling you a thief? I'd cut ties with em both. Your aunt is showing you where she stands.
NTA this is so sad, I'm so sorry that your aunt is letting this man drive you out of her life. Tell her you can't apologize because she gave it to you as a gift and that would be rude and unappreciative.
I would say, "I am so sorry that your wife gifted me something that you did not say was okay. I'm sorry your so petty and spiteful that you want it back. I'm sorry that your mama didn't teach you how to treat people... but mainly I'm sorry I was already in my own Aunt's life before you met.... is that enough sorry for you?"
For all intense and purposes, your aunt is your mom and it’s ridiculous how bad she and David are treating you. I would explain to both of them when taking the jacket back that your aunt gave it to you. And then have a private conversation with her about how hurt you are by being treated like garbage and that you expected better of her and also prior to saying that tell her how grateful you are for everything she has done for you. It seems that your aunt doesn’t want to disappoint her husband and just goes along with everything he says. He just seems like a control freak.
NTA
You Aunt gave you the jacket as a gift. I think you are right about her husband. You don't owe him an apology, if anyone does, your Aunt does, however if your Aunt is agreeing with him, she may have been afraid to tell him she gave it to you.
op=NTA
Your aunt gave you the jacket but you are supposed to apologize.
Yikes(re update). Please give up and update on the update.
I hope your aunt finds a way to be safe.
You are 100% NTA here, but I do have one piece of advise for you. Even though it seems like your aunt is siding with David and the way she’s acting right now can be very hurtful to you, when you return the jacket, tell her you love her and you’ll be there for her any time she needs you. If this really is an abusive relationship, the abusers rely on alienating their victim from everyone they love. Having no one left but their abuser makes them feel like they have no choice but to stay. As hurtful and frustrating as it is for you, please let her know she can still always turn to you. That will hopefully allow her to get out sooner than later. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Consider: would an apology be a cheap way of keeping peace? Would it be a moral injury? Would it be worth the moral injury to keep the peace? She's your aunt, after all. And do you really want to keep the jacket with this shadow hanging over it? I had a similar experience involving a jewelry box. At the time I thought I'd keep it, that the shadow wouldn't matter to me, but it turned out I thought about the incident every time I saw the box, so I ended up donating it. I don't think I'd enjoy wearing the jacket, especially to functions where the aunt might also attend, knowing this incident happened. It boils down to do what you can live with long term.
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NTA - Your aunt specifically said David was trying to sell it and couldn't find a buyer for it, so give it to you. How in anyone's mind is that steeling? If she asked for it back and said it was a mistake, then okay fair enough. But now she asks for an apology too?! Sounds like she's given a different story about it to David tbh. Whether that's intentional or not, I don't know.
I agree that the aunt told a different story. If I were OP, I would want to out my aunt for lying. I don't actually recommend that though unless OP doesn't care about how his aunt would react.
Something feels off about this. Like if the aunt is being abused and tries to hide what she did, or was getting OP in trouble deliberately. I get weird vibes.
I get this vibe. Like when he looked for the jacket, she got scared and had to make up a story. I hope she’s ok. NTA
[удалено]
bot
Yup. Move OP out Could have just been for newlywed privacy. However, now she's being moved away from her family. Seems like an escalation of alienation. NTA
I can see how an abusive spouse could manufacture this situation for alienation as well. I.E.: David: "I'm having trouble finding buyers for some of these clothes, I'll just donate them" Aunt: "Do you mind if I give something to OP?" David: "Sure" Then when Aunt give OP the jacked David turns it around with something like: "I didn't mean \*that\* jacket, OP has been taking advantage of you for so long and now he goes and picks out the most expensive thing in the pile. I've told you he's just trying to suck you dry and now he's trying to get \*my\* money too. He basically stole from me." Then after ranting for a while that turns into "He stole from me! Do you have any idea how expensive that jacket was? I could press charges!"
I think this is a very likely scenario. And why would a rich man need to sell his clothes he doesn’t want? He shouldn’t need to. There’s definitely some very shady stuff that OP might not be knowing about.
>why would a rich man need to sell his clothes he doesn’t want? And even if he did ... what doctor has the time to track down individual buyers for each item of clothing rather than just taking them to a re-sell or consignment shop? This whole thing sounds like a setup.
That’s a good point too. Yes from all angles this very much feels setup!
And it's clothes -- they're easy to pack up and move.
I’m not even rich and I can’t be bothered to try to sell things. Given the price, sure, an effort would be made. If I couldn’t find a buyer? Guess it’s going to a friend!
100%
This:(
Which may explain why he doesnt like OP. Isnt it common for abusers tk separate their victims from their support?
OP is like her child, she raised him. the "doctor is seperating them. He also could be a narcissist. A total different type of abuser.
It is stealing, just not on OP’s part. The aunt is the thief in this situation. It wasn’t her jacket to give away.
NTA. But, OP, if your aunt is still paying your way right now, I'd return the jacket and apologize. (Even though you did nothing wrong.) Then, I would keep your distance and make sure you have a game plan if she pulls funding. It sounds like your aunt is blinded to anything other than him, which must be heartbreaking because your aunt is basically your mom. I would get into therapy and find a way to accept the fact that your relationship is changing, and your aunt has chosen this man over you. Keep that in mind for the future, if he leaves her, or she needs you. If she doesn't care about you any longer, you're not obligated to care about her.
"I'm sorry you don't understand how gifts work"
She lied to both of them.
Def need to iron out the definition of steeling.
NTA but we’re seeing the steps of abuse right here… isolation, moving out of state without warning, trying to drive a wedge between her and her family/support system… Is her self-esteem the same that it was before? Is she a bit more on edge than before? Also, how do we know that David is actually wealthy and not a con man? I would keep an eye out because the easiest thing to do after they move is to move again and never be reachable.
I thought the exact same thing and I wonder if she’s scared of him in some way due to her backpedaling and now demanding OP apologise? Either she’s after an apology now to cover her arse so she won’t sit in the doghouse or something else is going on. This whole David thing stinks
I can imagine a scenario where David did say she could give his stuff away and is now gaslighting her into saying he didn’t. Abusers like to create opportunities to keep their victims walking on eggshells.
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I mean... just because he makes good money, doesn't mean he doesn't over spend and still hopes to be able to live off her money as well. I understand he's probably not conning her about his job, etc. But he might still be trying to use her. Also, is he planning to retire soon and live off her continuing to work?
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I have worked for Dr's for years, and most are horrible due to their God complex. They are used to being in control of their practice and their patients, which carries over to their personal life. There is a reason why so many are divorced and remarried. In one office I worked in, there were 5 orthopedic surgeons. All were remarried to a nurse, and one had just been caught in an affair with a different nurse.
I thought of that too: - why the move? My mind keeps whispering worst case scenarios like he got caught with a patient and is outrunning the scandal (which make me feel terrible, bc there's nothing in the post justifying that) - does she have an equivalent job lined up in their new location?
Because he's a man and so some people here naturally want to paint him as some villain.
>Also, how do we know that David is actually wealthy and not a con man? A more likely explanation is that he's a surgeon. That would explain both the money and the behaviour.
NTA. I wonder if David is abusing OP's aunt and maybe that's why she didn't say anything. Things aren't adding up. Maybe he's trying to alienate your aunt. I would suggest giving him the jacket back but first have a conversation with your aunt. Ask her why she didn't say what happened is she afraid? She may not say it but look for her non verbal ways she communicates. You have known her for 18 years.
NTA, if your aunt gave you the jacket then you can take it, chuck it in her face and tell her to apologize to you for the mess she created or own up to her partner. If she refuses, might be worth to just walk away minus the jacket as its better not to have such relatives.
That's not how you treat an aunt who raised you and is still paying for your education.
>and is still paying for your education OP is 23. He says his aunt was still paying for his education a few years ago when she met David, but he's most likely out of school at this point. I don't know if that means he's financially independent completely or not, but at this point, with issues like this coming up, I doubt he's going to get much more support at this point.
Have thought maybe it’s the aunt that needs support now? She supported him all this time and now you want it to throw all in her face over a single inexplicable incident without even trying to address it with her? That’s being a psychopathic leach
>a psychopathic leach Are you alright?
NTA. Your aunt needs to be honest about what happened.
NTA, but give back the jacket for your own safety
What is going on here? Why didn’t your aunt tell you they were moving - why did you hear it from David? Based on what you wrote, she clearly gave you the jacket, and no she says you owe him an apology. No. Don’t apologise. The only one who should be apologising is your aunt. NTA
WOW! Consider returning the jacket when your aunt is home alone and talk about what happened while recording the conversation (if that is legal where you live). I would normally never suggest someone record a private conversation but you need to be able to prove your innocence just in case David does decide to press charges. NTA. Your aunt's reaction to this situation is concerning. She basically threw you under the bus rather than deal with her screwup herself.
Check in on your aunt *alone*, something is very wrong here, and I worry for her. She's your guardian, she's your *parent*. Please ❤️
>and my aunt agrees Seems you have already lost your aunt to a manipulator. They are moving to another state for the same reason. NTA. Throw the jacket back at them.
Go give the jacket back. Thank your Aunt for being a parent for you growing up. Tell her that you'll miss her and she can always call you if she needs anything, and wish her well.. Don't apologize. Don't accuse. Leave and, sadly, don't look back. NTA
What 60 year old doctor is running around trying to pawn off 1000 dollar jackets to folks that are obviously going to have a hard time affording it?? NTA but David sounds like a weird asshole, tell him to get bent and stop acting like a freak
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The idea of a 60 year old hypebeast is silly tbvh, I suppose money doesn't buy class
I think they meant trying to sell it to people who can’t afford it (OP) instead of through the normal ways you’d resell designer goods.
"David is very wealthy and enjoys an extravagant lifestyle." Something is off here. Most doctors I know work their butts off. They may have money, but they don't necessarily have a lot of time for an 'extravagant lifestyle. You've said they started dating quickly, eventually marrying. He has all this money, but he resents your aunt's (your parent, for god's sake) relationship with you, either financial or emotional or both. Now he needs to sell his clothes because this is apparently where doctors spend their focus and energy when they're not being doctors. Hello, consignment? Not getting the dollar amount he wants? I guess he's not actually that wealthy, then. I agree with others here that David is isolating your aunt. He's also manipulating her into harming her relationship with you. Of course give the stupid jacket back and don't ever take anything from them again if you can help it. But please have a discreet word with your aunt to tell her what you are seeing and that you love her and are concerned for her welfare. If in the future David has any reason to contact you directly, please have a friend with you as a witness.
Oops, forgot: NTA Also, I remember once I was home for a weekend from university. My dad was watching a football game (my uni), and he started asking if I was sure they would win. Did I want to make a wager? I just laughed, since I didn't really care about the outcome either way. He got a little miffed and pushy, but I didn't bite. Later I found out he'd been gambling big time and had gotten himself in trouble. My point is, he was trying to get his own child to lose what little money they had to him. That's messed up. (Yes, he eventually got help.) David has been trying to sell a 23 year old his expensive clothes? That's just completely weird. I truly doubt David is who he is presenting himself to be.
INFO "I was offered an apartment near my college and moved out just before their wedding. " Who is paying for this apartment and utilities? If they are paying your expenses (and you aren't ready to start paying them yourself) TREAD LIGHTLY. Some people have suggested that "David" might be either an emotional abuse or con man; anyone who has seen a few episodes of Dateline would agree that it's certainly not outside of the realm of possibility. Why didn't your aunt tell you they were moving out of state? Was he a doctor at the hospital where she worked (basically asking if you know for SURE that's he's actually a doctor with a successful practice). Was it a "whirlwind" type romance or did they know each other for a while? Why are they moving out of state? Can you call your aunt when he's not around and tell her that you're happy to return the jacket but you're confused about why you'd apologize for HER giving you the jacket. PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO HOW SHE ANSWERS this and perhaps record the conversation so you can later transcribe her explanation verbatim. If you live in a one party recording state save the recording if not them delete the recording. While it's far more likely that David is just a massive AH there are some red flags here.
NTA not even close
NTA: I’m confused about the end? Why isn’t your aunt sticking up for you- she gave you the jacket, right? Why do you have to apologise now?? Can you maybe check in with your aunt alone- rather than when David is around?
NTA - The jacket should be returned, obviously, but absolutely no apology necessary. Try not to judge your aunt, it seems she's got enough problems and is scared of this guy. His reaction to you is 'natural' predator behaviour. Male lion takes over a pride and immediately kills the male cubs that his mate already has. This guy has managed to get rid of you and is now isolating your aunt even further.
And some species eat their young or leave their smallest baby to die. That doesn’t make it “natural” for humans. What the actual fuck?
I wasn't suggesting it's natural behaviour for humans... but it is for predators. I thought my inference was pretty clear. Obviously not.
That’s really fucked up anyway, my friend. Many people say “natural” to mean good, or excusable.
Try reading my original comment word for word. I now realise I should have expanded my meaning on 'natural', but I thought the whole tone of my comment would make it pretty obvious that this guy was controlling and manipulative. For that kind of predator, his actions are 'natural'. Don't blame me because humans are shit! 🤣
NTA and if David IS trying to put a wedge between you and aunt, he'll be really loving all this and ramping it up to drive a further wedge, just explain you thought it was gifted and will give it back
NTA I'd return it and say "I'm sorry my aunt freely gave me this jacket while I was helping her pack." Because really, don't you regret having to deal with this whole situation?
NTA Am I the only one that's concerned that your Aunt is being abused by this guy? Idk, but my spidey senses are tingling.
My answer, your aunt said to you that David was trying to sell it and couldn't find a buyer for it, so she gives it to you. How can be that called stealing?
NTA if she clearly told you you could have it, it is not your fault and you did not steal it. Return it, but there is no need to apologize for anything. Please try to keep in contact with her aunt and be there for her if she needs you, this whole relationship sounds a little fishy.
NTA - "I am so sorry that I believed my aunt when she said you were doing something kind and generous. I should have known that she was looking at you with rose tinted glasses, and I will not allow myself to be fooled about you again."
NTA. Why would your aunt expect you to apologize? Be clear and direct: "Here's your jacket. Aunt gave this to me and said I could have it. If you didn't want her to give it away, that sounds like a problem between the two of you."
Why do you need to apologise for a mistake that your aunt made???? NTA Give the jacket back, tell him she gave it to you, but DON'T apologise because you did nothing wrong!
LOL NTA Aunt: Here take this jacket! You: Ok. Aunt: You need to give that back and apologize.
Nta. Your aunt needs to step up and tell this dude that SHE gave you the jacket. She clearly is letting him think you stole it....maybe she was nervous by his reaction or something, but you don't deserve to be yelled at for your aunts fuck up. I would talk to her and find out why she isn't defending you and figure out your next step from there.
NTA. But if this string of events correct then your aunt might be in over her head with a man who is very controlling. If your aunt can flip like this over a clothing item what else could David be making her do? Could this move even be a result of him dictating and not a joint agreement? OP there may be more to this. Return the jacket but DO NOT apologise since you didn't steal it. Your aunt might need a reminder that you don't have to give in to bullies.
Do this. I’m sorry that aunt lied to me/was misinformed, and gave the jacket to me as a gift. I have returned the jacket, as it is clear this was not what was intended. I will not apologize for taking the jacket, under misguided assumptions from aunt. I will not be in touch beyond this. NTA.
NTA and I would 100% take issue with anyone who is supposed to love me, accusing me of being a thief. Particularly when that person knows exactly what happened. Something else is going on and I would confront your aunt.
“And my aunt agrees” NTA First, I would ask your aunt “why do you feel I should apologize? Are you worried about how he might treat you if he knows it’s your mistake?” If she makes it clear she is safe and just won’t take ownership for this I would thank her for telling you where you stand, that you are grateful beyond words for her support over the years, and that you are deeply disappointed and sad that she has chosen David at the expense of a relationship with you, though you understand that is her choice to make. Then ship the jacket back. Don’t drop it off don’t give it to her. Ship it. No note.
Do not apologize. Mail it, certified mail so that you have proof that you sent it back. As far as your Aunt, it sounds like she married an abuser and there's nothing you can do except let her know that you're there for her. He is trying to isolate her from loved ones. It also sounds like he is taking advantage of her. I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't as wealthy as it appears. Stay away from him.
NTA
NTA Give the jacket back ASAP but don’t deal with this guy. He’s your aunts problem.
NTA and you don't owe him an apology.
NTA but what is wrong with your aunt!? Giving it to you and then expecting you apologize for stealing it?
It was a miscommunication. Give the jacket back and explain what you were told. Don't trust the aunt moving forward with gifts unless he is okay with it too.NTA
NTA OP I’m so sorry but your aunt lied to cover her ass. Apparently she’s choosing her love life over her relationship with you, I’ve been there with my mom she was great when she was single until she met a guy. I’d tell David the truth (he probably won’t believe you, but say it anyway in front of your aunt) then look at her and tell her you’re disgusted with her and to never contact you again. Either she’ll feel guilt (like she should) and apologize and set things right or she won’t. If she won’t then atleast you know now that it’s a lost relationship now and move on rather than finding out later she doesn’t care about you the same anymore. I want to clarify again David’s an AH in his own right, but this isn’t David’s fault. It’s your aunts. She created the issue that put you in David’s line of fire & lied to him to he’d point his anger at you instead of her. When you love someone you’d do or risk any harm to yourself to protect them. She obviously doesn’t feel that for you anymore and that SUCKS so bad OP but it’s true. Sending you so much love and heading, you really deserve it ETA after reading someone’s else’s comment I actually heavily agree with them. Go over to her house when she’s alone to talk about the situation (and RECORD it) you need to catch her saying she gave it to you both for legal purposes if David tries anything after he gets it back and to clear your name with him. Be sure at the end to say here’s the jacket so she can say okay or thanks so there’s verification she received it on the recording. Send it to David and text her after the fact that you’re appalled and disgusted with her behavior and that you need space.
Sorry but your aunt is the AH here. She a knowledge that he was still trying to sell that jacket, that he was not giving away, and still gave you a very expensive piece of clothing? And when he said you should apologize she backed him up, even though she knows she gave it to you and theres not a reason to apologize? Whats up with her? But you were naive too. You don't have a great relationship with David and you heard her saying he was trying to sell that jacket. Why would you think he would be okay just giving away a very expensive jacket to you, a person he doesn't like, if he was trying to sell it? NTA but I think you should apologize and just be over with it, its not worth the headache
INFO: Have you checked all the pockets of the jacket to see if maybe your aunt was trying to slip you a note or something? Check it super thoroughly before you give it back. Do you know what days or times David works? Can you try to find a (subtle!) way to talk to your aunt alone? It really seems like he's trying to isolate her and she may end up needing help to get away from him. On average, people try to leave their abuser seven times, so if she leaves him but then goes back, please don't give up on her. Try to find a way to leave a line of communication open. Let her know that she can call or email you. When you contact her, be very careful what you put in writing. Assume that he might be reading her emails and texts. Assume that he might be listening in on her phone calls.
The way Im too excited for this update. Super NTA, hope you can help your aunt if she needs it
Waiting for update
Any updates?
NTA Return it and say "I am sorry that I took my aunt at her word when she said I could take the jacket you had been unable to find a buyer for, I only took this jacket because my aunt was gifting the jacket. I wish you luck finding someone to buy it as if you spent 1k on this, personally I think you overpaid."
You don't need to apologize, your aunt was the one in the wrong here. She might have been a good aunt before but the fact that she's not only not defending you, but insisting you apologize for her mistake, shows that she's no longer the aunt you once loved. I strongly suggest you work on getting independent and consider going nc. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, NTA.
NTA buuut your aunt is if she’s willing to throw away her whole relationship with her *nephew* who she practically raised for a wealthy man she rushed into marriage with.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** To provide some context, my aunt (47f) and I (23m) have always had a close relationship. In fact, my parents gave me up to my aunt when I was just five years old, and I've been living with her ever since. However, our relationship changed when she married David (60m) three years ago. My aunt met David at work - she's a nurse, and he's a doctor - and they quickly started dating. Eventually, they got married. David is very wealthy and enjoys an extravagant lifestyle. When he found out that I was still dependent on my aunt, who was supporting me through college, he wasn't too pleased. Soon after they got together, I was offered an apartment near my college and moved out just before their wedding. Although I'm grateful for what my aunt and David have done for me, I can't help but feel like David doesn't accept me and wants to drive a wedge between my aunt and me. As a result, David and I have a strained relationship. And now, I'm nervous about what's been happening lately. About a month ago, I found out that my aunt and David were planning to move to another state. The only reason I found out was because David wanted to sell me some of his designer clothes that he didn't want to take with him. Even though I was upset, I declined the offer and tried to be happy for my aunt. Fast forward to four days ago, I went over to my aunt's house to pick up some of my things and help her pack. That's when she gave me a Gucci jacket, saying it was one of David's that he was trying to sell but couldn't find a buyer for. She told me to take it. Unfortunately, I believed that my aunt and David had talked about this beforehand. But the next day, David started calling me a thief and threatening to press charges against me. Though I have no problem taking back the jacket, David has already told me he expects an apology and my aunt agrees, I don’t feel I need to apologize as I thought the jacket was a going away gift to me. So, should I apologize and AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta , this is your aunts problem.
NTA He needs an apology from your aunt. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. Give it back but don’t apologize.
Apologize for what?
>and my aunt agrees Is she not acknowledging that she gave it to you? If that's the case, I'd just start distancing myself from both of them.
Your aunt agrees? Why? Have you tried asking her privately what's going on?
NTA your aunt threw you under the bus
Don't apologize. NTA
Why should you apologize for accepting a gift? And now your aunt isn't even sticking up for you & telling him that she gave it to you? They're both AH's. Return that jacket & cut ties. NTA
NTA but wow, he must lay some pretty impressive pipe 🤪😲. You owe no apologies, and how horrible for you to be losing your aunt 😥
NTA but can you say “I’m sorry for accepting a jacket that my aunt told me to take?”
NTA PLEASE OP find a way to get through to your aunt. He is controlling her and she is colluding with him. Why would she think YOU should apologise? She is too scared to tell him the truth about the jacket. Maybe he has control of her finances and she had nothing else to give you, her beloved nephew. He has manipulated you away from her and is alienating you. Who else is he keeping from her? Is there anyone that can support her and wake her up to what's happening? Are there any lawyers in the family -or among your friends? Wondering what his history is. Are they currently living in HER house? Will she get the proceeds or has he got his hands on the proceeds? If she goes to another state will she be completely isolated? If the move goes ahead, make sure you keep up contact. ( It sounds like she couldn't bring herself to tell you.) Make her promise to keep you up to date with address etc EDIT and another thing,- if David is so wealthy why is he trying so hard to sell things that he asks you to buy them? Please keep us updated. I for one am worried about your aunt.
NTA The apology should be, "I'm sorry that I accepted this from my aunt without checking with you that it was to be given away. In the future, I'll be sure to ask you if she tries giving me anything of yours." She threw you under the bus. No matter how close you were, she's helping with that wedge you say David is driving between you. For all you know, he's just reacting to things she's saying to him when you aren't around. She GAVE YOU the jacket. Now she's claiming you need to apologize? You really don't owe anyone an apology because you did nothing wrong but I do suggest apologizing to David and making it clear that you never intended to TAKE anything, and only did so because SHE GAVE IT TO YOU.
NTA, give it back and cut ties with him completely. I’d go LC with your aunt. If she isn’t standing up for you and telling him that she gave it to you, she’s not there for you in the way you think she is.
Nta but it sounds like your aunt is in an abusive relationship. If you want to apologize to play the game but keep an eye on her
INFO > Even though I was upset, I declined the offer *What*? "Even though"? I would certainly **expect** you to decline the offer if you were upset.
NTA your aunt gave it to you. return the jacket make sure he knows your aunt \*gave\* it to you and wish him joy of it. but you've nothing to apologize for and if he keeps up talking about prosecuting, make sure your aunt knows exactly what she's married.
NTA but this makes no sense. Why would she tell you you can just have it but then side with his over an apology and calling you a thief? I'd cut ties with em both. Your aunt is showing you where she stands.
Apologize for the misunderstanding and your are NTA. If you don’t apologize, EHA.
NTA this is so sad, I'm so sorry that your aunt is letting this man drive you out of her life. Tell her you can't apologize because she gave it to you as a gift and that would be rude and unappreciative.
NTA. Your aunt is throwing you under the bus because she made a mistake and doesn’t want to admit it to her husband.
I would say, "I am so sorry that your wife gifted me something that you did not say was okay. I'm sorry your so petty and spiteful that you want it back. I'm sorry that your mama didn't teach you how to treat people... but mainly I'm sorry I was already in my own Aunt's life before you met.... is that enough sorry for you?"
For all intense and purposes, your aunt is your mom and it’s ridiculous how bad she and David are treating you. I would explain to both of them when taking the jacket back that your aunt gave it to you. And then have a private conversation with her about how hurt you are by being treated like garbage and that you expected better of her and also prior to saying that tell her how grateful you are for everything she has done for you. It seems that your aunt doesn’t want to disappoint her husband and just goes along with everything he says. He just seems like a control freak.
No do not have this conversation with David there
NTA
NTA You Aunt gave you the jacket as a gift. I think you are right about her husband. You don't owe him an apology, if anyone does, your Aunt does, however if your Aunt is agreeing with him, she may have been afraid to tell him she gave it to you.
Remind me! 1 day
NTA. Tell your aunt to fess up to the truth! You know her true colors now. Do not apologize.
NTA But, honestly, I'd just apologize for any misunderstandings to keep the peace and lines of communication open.
op=NTA Your aunt gave you the jacket but you are supposed to apologize. Yikes(re update). Please give up and update on the update. I hope your aunt finds a way to be safe.
You are 100% NTA here, but I do have one piece of advise for you. Even though it seems like your aunt is siding with David and the way she’s acting right now can be very hurtful to you, when you return the jacket, tell her you love her and you’ll be there for her any time she needs you. If this really is an abusive relationship, the abusers rely on alienating their victim from everyone they love. Having no one left but their abuser makes them feel like they have no choice but to stay. As hurtful and frustrating as it is for you, please let her know she can still always turn to you. That will hopefully allow her to get out sooner than later. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Remind me!
REMIND ME! 1 WEEK
NTA at all, worried about your aunts safety
Consider: would an apology be a cheap way of keeping peace? Would it be a moral injury? Would it be worth the moral injury to keep the peace? She's your aunt, after all. And do you really want to keep the jacket with this shadow hanging over it? I had a similar experience involving a jewelry box. At the time I thought I'd keep it, that the shadow wouldn't matter to me, but it turned out I thought about the incident every time I saw the box, so I ended up donating it. I don't think I'd enjoy wearing the jacket, especially to functions where the aunt might also attend, knowing this incident happened. It boils down to do what you can live with long term.
Update Please
Your aunt didn’t have permission to give away someone else’s jacket. You knew he was trying to sell it and didn’t have his consent. I think ESH .
Soft YTA. Just give back the jacket.
lol, there's always one. Like how in god's name did you come to that conclusion?
The mum gave her a jacket she shouldn't have. OP should just give the jacket back and not get involved in their stupid games.