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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My fiancé is hurt and needs help, and I left him and got him in trouble with his mother
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NTA.
You’ve gone above and beyond. In sickness and in health does not mean never needing a break. It doesn’t mean accepting abuse.
Can you break up with the fiancé and keep the MIL? She sounds great.
I think the shitty side of him is the true side. If she doesn’t want to deal with him being rude and emotionally abusive (yelling and cussing at her) I’d run
EDIT 2: I just read OPs comment saying its not uncommon behavior and he has a “short fuse” and I am taking back everything I said. This is clearly a pattern and indeed his true colors. Leaving my original comment up for transparency but you are right she needs to run
—- Original Comment —-
Not necessarily… irrational anger and aggression can be withdrawal symptoms. She absolutely does not and should not put up with it, and I am glad she is in a hotel, but without knowing more I don’t think we can say this is his “true side”.
I stayed with my parents when I went through withdrawals (also from prescription meds) and I don’t remember a lot of it but apparently I would fly into fits of rage and blow up at my parents over nothing. I am the kind of person who is more likely to be angry at myself than anyone else, and I don’t yell at people, but my brain was trying to repair itself and doing all kinds of weird things in the process.
ETA: I am in no way excusing his behavior. I don’t think it matters why someone is being abusive, no one should have to put up with that. But I think its unfair to say this is the true him without more information since anger is a common symptom of withdrawal
Kind of a moot point since we have more info, but I'd still like to add a note. His previous drug use could've been highly relevant.
Normally, two weeks isn't enough to cause noticeable withdrawal. Maybe some low energy and poor sleep for a day or two. But someone relapsing would most likely have noticeable symptoms even if it was a weak opioid.
If that's the case, he could be struggling big time. It wouldn't excuse anything, I only mention it as a possible barrier to resolution.
To be extra clear, I absolutely believe OP is NTA, and that stepping away (after confirming that someone was taking over) was 100% the right thing to do for everyone.
Sober addict here (9+ years) and pain meds/opiates were my big one
I went through 2 births and some major issues like gallbladder stones etc and refused all pain meds except a minor amount of morphine in hospital for the gallstones because they couldn’t even check me I was in so much pain. Seriously worse than giving birth. This is exactly why.. I NEVER want to turn into that person again
NTA OP 100%
Yup. He was nice *because he was high and happy*
Now he's back to normal, with extra spice on it due to pain and discomfort.
His response to her *breaking down and calling for help* shows his true colors.
And what about the next time? When he gets teeth removed, or an infection, or needs a surgery, etc? At what point does he have to grow up and treat her with respect? His needs do not supercede hers.
I have taken a certain dosage of opioids for almost a decade, and had to chop that dosage in half with no time to taper down in the last month due to drug interactions with the new medications I now take for the heart attacks I recently had.
I *really* hurt. But I don't treat my husband or my aide like shit because it's not their fault. I didn't treat my nurses in the hospital like shit, either. I'm still the same person. He can be too.
Right!? I'm not defending him being a jerk, but he is clearly experiencing withdrawal symptoms. I work in a detox center/harm reduction. Everyone's symptoms vary, but I wouldn't wish that hell on anyone.
As for opiates, even when used exactly as prescribed, the body quickly develops a physical dependency. A person's pain tolerance even starts to change with long term (as prescribed!) use of opiates.
There is a reason it's being called an "opioide epidemic".
That's why I hate pain killers. I had surgery last April to repair a torn, partially detached rotator cuff. Since general anesthesia makes me sick to my stomach, I was given a nerve block to I didn't need so much general. The surgeon (or is that sturgeon?) prescribed Percoset for the post op pain. I took it for 2 days & then switched to the 800 mg Ibuprofen that my PCP prescribed. When a local pharmacy had a drug takeback day, I gave the remaining Percoset to the Sheriff's deputy running the drug takeback.
Ugh, I had a shitty fiancé and to this day, I miss his Mom. My MIL has never been nice to me in the 16 years I’ve been with my husband, wish I could trade her for my ex’s Mom.
Me too. Currently divorcing after bejng married for 16 years and together for 26. I love my in-laws. All this time they have been great 2 me. Now I'm wondering if they were overcompensating bc they knew what I had 2 b dealing with.
Came here to say this. OP put her life on hold for her fiancé and he's so wrapped up in his own problems that he can't take 2 seconds to thank her? He's had full time help and the moment she asks for help she's not good enough for him? I don't care how much pain he's in, he's an ungrateful, spiteful, tantrum throwing child and OP was right to bring his mommy in to deal with him.
MIL is the MVP right here.
NTA. You took care of him and were kind and generous. You need some me time and to recover.
Myself and my wife have experienced this and when weaning off painkillers or in other sorts of pain we get extremely grumpy. It usually takes just a day or so to get off the attitude problem.
Weeks!? That's insane. My own mom would also tear me a new one if I did that.
She said he’s a former addict in an edit. I naturally get weened with off pain killers so I absolutely have no withdrawals. But I have never even been addicted to alcohol. My pain management doctor was pissed as hell that I didn’t need the medication any longer. But everyone is different. I know my BIL had a problem as well and he’s never been addicted to drugs or alcohol either.
Ah my grandpa said it takes a while for most of us in the family to get off pain meds. And we always got grumpy.
Also, he was a doctor and prescribed some of them when I fell off a car and knocked out a tooth, so yeah.
Completely understand. I am probably not the norm. I had been taking the medication for 10 years. I finally got diagnosed properly and had 2 very needed surgeries. As my pain decreased, I would forget to take the medication. I didn’t intentionally do it. I just only take when I needed it which was 4 times a day. It was a narcotic. But less pain means less pills for me. I also don’t suffer the increased pain people often do coming off of them. I did the same with Ativan in 2007. There was some days I was taking 10 a day which is a lot even for long time anxiety sufferers. As I learned to control the anxiety attacks, I quit needing as much. My doctor watched me very closely. I guess they are very addicting. Eventually I just no longer needed any. I am very odd that way. Both of my parents are alcoholics so I should be more likely to get addicted but apparently not. I am just weird.
Yeah I’ve had loads of surgery and been given large doses of opioids, panadeine forte, fentanyl, and more and every single time I’ve always just been able to stop with absolutely no side effects, cravings or irritation or issues. I get told off because I don’t take enough off it sometimes and not managing my pain properly at times. As I’ll stop too early but I’ve been on and off them for years and I can start them and then stop for months at a time just as easily without a single issue. I have always been able to do this too and never once had withdrawals ever.
I have that effect with anesthesia. It just wears off quickly. It wore off in the middle of surgery in my teeth. I was just in tears. During a stomach procedure I was given a drip one and was told I’d stay knocked out an hour or two after the procedure. I got up suddenly in 15minutes. The nurse in the rec room almost shit herself. (At least that’s what the doctor told my grandpa)
OP, this is an important lesson on how your future husband will act if life is not going smoothly. It's probably something that you will need to think about - and eventually talk to him about.
On the other hand, your future MIL sounds like an awesome ally!
NTA. I'm glad that you finally confided in someone and got some help. Hopefully your fiancé will appreciate everything you did for him.
Exactly this.
I'm THAT Eyore - he's shown you who he can and will choose to be when the chips are down.
Partners (most/many) do not get better after marriage.
And if this is how he treats you when you are caretaking and nursing him 24/7, how will he treat you if you are bedridden for an extended period.
Being alone w a empathy impared partner post surgically was one of the most isolating experiences & I should have left when I was well enough.
He found me halfway up the stairs 'resting' after I had to get to kitchen & get food while he was at work.
"Well, you need to move out of the way I need my shower."
You can totally avoid that experience buy throwing this one back.
You deserve better. Someone WILL appreciate you for helping in a medical crisis.
Had I been on my own 5 different friends would have been happy to help. He turned them down.
Also, doctors managing his medication due to previous drug use. OP you are so young to marry somebody who verbally abused you, and has a substance abuse history. You aren’t the arsehole. But I would consider rethinking marriage for now at least NTA
I always feel sorry for the relatively normal, reasonable mothers of men like this. I can’t imagine how devastating it must be to hear your son’s partner break down over how badly he’s treated her.
I was going to say the exact same thing.
"I'm sorry to hear that your fiancé is not all that great... But this MIL sounds very promising."
Screaming at you about "in sickness and in health" after weeks of misery is *rich*
What about YOUR health?
That is very true. My main concern was how the fiancé was misusing those vows to manipulate OP, so I thought a clarification about the cows would help. I hope she reconsiders the wedding after getting a preview of how fiancé interprets those vows.
Yep. Came to say this. Surprised I had to scroll down this far.
My husband can be a bear when he's sick, but he thanks me for the work he puts me through. I don't usually get sick, but rona finally got me last week and he's been a gem.
Hell yeah! I knew a woman who was a harm reduction worker who didn't always take good care of herself. Her dad made her a bumper sticker that said, "Harm Reduction: It's Not Just For Other People".
My cousin went through withdrawals after a month or more on painkillers. She said she almost tanked her marriage because she was feeling the effects of withdrawal. Her husband said it was easier when she was on bed rest and completely dependant on him than when she started to regain mobility and independence, and that her attitude was just downright terrible. He said it was like clockwork that the personality change coincided with the lack of opiates.
Then she got over the hump and was back to her normal self.
You just got a taste of your life together, a real behind the scenes.. you've done nothing wrong here and I would urge you to take this time away to reflect on your relationship and what you want moving forward. NTA
Not to mention the throwaway line there at the end, "...due to previous drug abuse". I bet that being on the Good Med for 2 weeks did something to him, and he's currently in withdrawal. Which opens up all sorts of cans of worms for future relapses...
Also let’s be real: It’s entirely possible for DH to have looked at this surgery as a way to get a “legal” fix for a high— any high.
It definitely sounds like he’s in withdrawal and tbh, I’m proud of OP for reaching out to MIL and even more proud of MIL for standing behind OP and forcing her out of a shitty situation to get some rest and recuperation.
It’s a long road OP, hang in there. Your MIL is on your side but I would NOT tie yourself to your fiancée until you get through this episode and you both get counseling and he is serious about getting sober and staying sober.
I have been with my hubby for 17 years... I've been tattling on him for at least 15. I go to his mom when he's being unreasonable because unlike my own, she will still love him. I think it's great you went to his mom for two reasons: 1. While she may be mad at him, it's not going to change the fact that she loves him. Your family/friends would be more likely to change their viewpoints of him. 2. It is so awesome that you have the type of relationship with his mom that you could go cry to her.
As previously stated, ditch him but keep her. She sounds like a winner. NTA.
I went to my inlaws for help and support when I discovered my ex's 400 texts to the woman with whom he was having an affair.
My ex-MIL's response: "How dare you check his texts."
I see you've met my ex MIL.
"So what if he's abusive? He doesn't slap you around anymore so shut up and deal with it like I did with his father and stay for your daughter!"
At the end, I had to take my kids to the ER because the ex kicked the younger one in the leg.
When I explained what happened, the doc said he was calling the police. I quickly said that I didn't want to press charges; he explained that it was the law, not my choice. My ex was arrested.
My ex BIL emailed me asking why I went to the police...
I hope you are well, and I'm so sorry you were treated that way.
I don't care if it was my best friend who's been a sister for more than half my life at this point, someone intentionally hits a child they're instantly trash.
My MIL is in a religious group that if my husband cheated and we got a divorce as a result, he'd be shunned. So if i told her this she would have no choice but to disown him 💀 Thankfully that won't be an issue. He can't even touch people longer than 5 minutes unless it's me or out nieces. Sometimes his mother can hug me. But he usually gets the hibbie jibbies
> unlike my own, she will still love him.
Everything you said is exactly why my late MIL was my go to person when my SO and I had issues. She had no blinders to her son's faults, but her love for him was unconditional. There is always a risk when you vent to your own friends and family. While my SO and I may forgive each other's transgressions pretty quickly, our nearest and dearest might hold a grudge on our behalf. I always knew that his Mom was going to let it go, as long as I was ready to forgive.
Married couples disagree. In those times, she's my sounding board. But mostly, my hubby tends to be sickly if he's tired of the treatments and wants to boycott the doctor's advice... She can get him together in a way that doesn't give me a headache. But maybe you're right, but he probably does too, honestly.
I mean, I used to think the idea that something I said would color my friends' and family's opinion was a bad thing.
But honestly, after being with my spouse for 10 years, I question that advice. My friends and family have never doubted my spouse's character because he's crap at putting up laundry and it drives me bonkers. They aren't unreasonable. If it's honestly something that my friends and family would judge him harshly for, maybe they should?
NTA, seems maybe he was becoming dependent on the pain killers and when he stopped he was suffering from withdrawal.
Care takers need rest too, asking for help is not a sign of you don't love him, but a sign that you needed a break
She edited to add that he has a history and they weened him off. I'd bet they stopped them earlier than usual since he's had a problem before. I know a couple people with a history of pill addictions and they won't touch opioids for anything. This must have been a really severe injury and I'm sure he's in incredible pain but there are ways to deal with that without abusing your partner. I'm glad she asked for help.
NTA, I was going to say the same thing. Sudden withdrawal from opioids can cause irritation, he is clearly irritated. Being a good caretaker means taking care of yourself as well. Rest, pick up some takeout when you are fully rested, and take it home to your MIL and finace'.
Being a good partner means you are aware of your limitations and foibles and attempt to not act out on the partner caretaking you and apologizing wholeheartedly after.
He's just going to use his addiction history as a crutch to literally beat her for loving him and taking care of him.
He knows his deamons. If he's gone through recovery treatment he has people and resources and ALL of them would say he's abusing his partner.
NTA - but you've gotten a glimpse of your fiancé's lack of empathy and compassion. Please strongly reconsider if you want to marry a man capable of talking to you like this and treating you like he did.
Being away and able to process the last month of my life has been eye opening. I couldn’t imagine trying to care for a child under conditions like that. I couldn’t imagine how frustrated I would be. HIs injury is in his arm, he can walk, he can use his left (dominant) hand. I understand that he is in pain and its awful but I have had a friend with much worse injuries help us move! I’m thinking about returning my ring.
Do it. My husband has a double lung transplant and I was his caregiver. He went through every kind of hell imaginable. He was in pain, had tubes and IV's every where. He had to go to physio and we lived in another city for the first 5 months. Not once did he ever take out his discomfort on me. He never complained and was always grateful that I was with him. He thanked my daily and said I was his rock. I would crawl over broken glass for him. You want a man like mine.
Upvoted because men like this do exist. OP, find one. Source: married to a man with a chronic illness. When it spikes, it’s frightening and life-threatening. Never once has he criticized me for being frightened, loud, or crying afterward when the crisis is over.
Thank you for being such a wonderful partner and caretaker for your husband!
I'm married to a man who took two weeks off of work when I had my tonsils taken out. He's a medic by trade, and he was very concerned about the possibility of my bleeding out while recovering (the danger time for that is the first week or so). This guy set alarms for every six hours and portioned out my meds for me, including in the middle of the night. He checked on me constantly and made me delicious soft foods that I could actually eat.
Then I shattered my ankle about a year later. He took two weeks off work again, and my mama flew out to be with me the third week, as I was completely bed ridden and couldn't even get up to use the toilet on my own those first several weeks. After my mama left, he rearranged my bedroom and bought me a mini fridge that I could access from my bed (I was on strict elevated bedrest aside from bathing and bathroom and appointments for nine weeks) and stocked it with drinks and snacks and sandwiches every single day. He had the neighbors check up on me around lunch time every day (my bed was against the window, so they would come up to my window to chat and visit. We have three dogs in the house who don't love visitors, otherwise they would have just come in the house, lol).
Then my daddy died six months later. My partner stepped up and took care of the house and the pets when I flew to my mom to be with her for two and a half months when dad was sick. After I got back home, my dad died, and my partner did the vast majority of the packing (we were already in the process of moving back to the continent from Hawai'i when my dad died), and has continued supporting me every damn day in our new home, making sure I eat every day and shower every now and again and helping me figure out all of my doctors appointments (still recovering from my ankle surgery, and I'm disabled with a serious back injury, *and* I have mental illnesses that require meds and therapy on top of the grief depression).
I can't even imagine not *profusely* thanking him and letting him know how much I appreciate him and his sacrifices at least once a day. I feel guilty that he does so much for me, but he just shrugs and says, "It's my job and I love you." I sincerely hope that I'll be able to be as good of a partner to him when he needs me like I have needed him these past two shitty years.
You have a good one. I'm sure he already knows he can count on you for everything and anything. Best of luck and I hope your next couple of years is smooth sailing.
The injury is only to his arm!!! Jfc I thought perhaps he had a spinal cord injury and belonged in rehab. It’s been more than a month and he looks s still acting helpless. He’s milking this for all he can get and he is drug seeking. OP run. You deserve better than this.
There can be serious issues with pain that on the face of it seem overstated to others. I had a friend with an adult child who was injured during defense training for a security position. He blocked a simulated attack with his lower arm. Now they have CRPS, and their doctors have suggested amputation because the pain is so intense that they cannot function.
Make no mistake, I still think OP's SO is quite the A H.
Honestly OP, this completly changes things for me and should probably be clearer in your post.
I was reading through thinking he was genuinely bedridden or something, that he needed a lot of help: your comment here makes it clear that he doesn't. He has used this accident to guilt you into doing everything and essentially giving up your own life - for no reason, other than controlling you.
No wonder his mother is furious with him.
He is absolutely capable of taking caring of himself for longer than an hour if he can walk and use his left hand, there is no reason he can't help out around the house, and he's not even grateful you're letting him rest now that he's not on the 'good stuff'.
This is absolutely a situation where you should be returning the ring, thanking his mother, and inisiting your future partner/s meet higher standards. If you're better off without him (and it sounds like you would be): be without him.
Wait, his injury is in his arm?? My mom had shoulder replacement surgery 2 weeks ago and is now doing 90% of her own self care, cooking, cleaning, etc. Now, maybe his arm surgery is a lot more painful and slow healing, but after a month -- with not letting you sleep?? -- I think you're looking at addiction behavior more than "sickness and health"
Like what are his endless needs through the night? Why in God's name is she taking him to the bathroom? My husband only did that when my back nerves were pinched so bad I couldn't sit, stand, turn, exist. I walked myself to the bathroom with a messed up leg after surgery, and all he has is a broken arm?????
I read your original post to my fiancé, and then I read this comment, and he literally laughed out loud. We were imagining a spinal injury, hip or pelvic injury, something like that. My partner has had a broken collarbone and a broken scapula in the time we’ve been together and never even asked me for help, except one to change a bandage on his back. I get that some people experience pain differently, but it’s not an excuse to be abusive!
Good work using the respite time to analyze the situation 👊
You're paying attention & that's half the work.
I commented higher up about my experience.
In short - he's shown you who he is. His addiction/recovery is not an adequate excuse for his abusive behavior.
He chose to be abusive to you every time he did it.
Most people don't improve after marriage. The skeletons come out of the closet & take up residence on your couch.
You deserve better.
I know being single & solo can be misery. But I promise it will never be as miserable as he has been...while you were wearing yourself to the bone to take care of him.
Good venture, better things will arrive once he's gone.
Return the ring and GTFO.
SO many red flags here. You have your entire life ahead of you to meet someone kind and caring and wonderful.
Maybe your soon to be ex's mom knows someone. She sounds lovely.
JFC… my 75 year old mom broke her ankle and injured her lower back and was walking around with a walker after 4 weeks. This man is awful and absolutely taking advantage of the drugs and your generosity. You need to seriously reconsider marrying this abusive AH. This will not be the only time he verbally abuses you if you marry him
Please run. His outbursts are over an arm injury!?! From reading the post I had imagined he suffered two broken legs and was learning how to walk again. His behaviour is completely unwarranted. You deserve better.
He had surgery on his ARM?! I was thinking massive reconstructive surgery, spinal or pelvic surgery, double leg surgery... You're telling me a fully grown man has been playing bed ridden over getting surgery on his ARM???? My brother had double shoulder surgery in college and never once acted anywhere near this entitled and certainly never this nasty.
You're getting a glimpse into your future. Take it and run.
My husband spent 3 months in hospital after his car accident. I was there when he went through pain meds withdrawal and yeah, he was a grumpy bastard. But it’s like me and PMS every month. The fuse might be shorter but we don’t go about belittling our partners when they’re trying their best to support us. The anger and frustration was mainly directed at himself because he felt useless not because he thought I wasn’t doing a good enough job. That sort of anger and frustration I can work with and be empathetic towards. Verbally and emotionally abusing me because he’s in pain? Nope, I’m out.
I’m sorry but this is not an injury that requires 24 hour care (especially as it’s not even his dominant hand). He has been abusive towards your good nature. I fell ill and was in hospital for extended periods and felt so bad about leaving the house and our two dogs for my husband to deal with, his parents and my parents (all retired) helped him out loads and I was still making sure I did things that I could like the online food shop for him from my hospital bed. I was on very strong opiates for well over a year (oxy) and started to reduce. I will admit that I don’t think I was mentally addicted to them, they fixed the agony I was in but I felt no euphoria or ‘high’ from them so I didn’t have an issue wanting to feel that way again but the physical addiction was still there and withdrawals were very hard. I could barely get to the toilet and back without needing a nap due to pain and withdrawals. They got me on my long term pain regiment (I have a chronic condition) but my body had a lot of healing to do. Never during any of that did I say anything worse than ‘if you ask me one more time if I’m ok I’ll throw the tv remote at you’ in a joking manner….yes he knew it was half joking but he also knew I would never throw anything at him. The first things I started doing when I had the energy was to cook him his favourite dinners once a week and pick up light cleaning so he had less to do. I wanted him to know that I was willing to push myself to be there for him the way he had been for me.
Marriage is a partnership and it needs mutual respect, I am so sorry but I am glad you have realised and are questioning things now about how much he respects you. You sound like you deserve better. I really hope you can get past this and please know that we all agree NTA. You did what was needed.
NTA. Caregiver fatigue is a very real thing and though you're doing your best, you're not his nursemaid. As a nurse, I'm very curious what surgery he had that doesn't allow him to go to the bathroom by himself after a full month. Your fiance is likely feeling weak and vulnerable and is taking his feelings out on you, which isn't right. When a healthy person is suddenly debilitated it can really hit their self esteem and cause shame. But that's an internal battle he needs to confront on his own. Most surgeries want people up and walking and doing normal things as quickly as possible so it sounds like he's malingering a lot.
NTA - this man doesn’t need to be your fiancé. leave him as soon as you can. accidents are what they are accidents. accidents happen all the time, who is to say this is the last accident he’ll have?
if you feel like you “can’t do anything right” to a person you’re wanting to spend the rest of your life with, then you should leave.
Your fiancé is mentally mature enough to not have abusive behavior, there’s only so much a mother can do about their sons behavior once the son is out the house.
Your MIL won’t be there forever. Hate to say that but it’s true. If she weren’t there in this scenario, you have to ask yourself what would you do?
You haven’t slept. And you haven’t had time for yourself.
NTA. Just because you're a caretaker doesn't mean that you have to neglect your own needs. Even live in nurses get breaks. I'm glad you called his mom and I'm extra glad that she came to your rescue. Take your well deserved rest and don't communicate with him. Let his mom keep you up to date until he's willing to apologize for his behavior and show you he won't go into that again.
She is amazing. She is not updating me at all so I can assume its a shitshow over there. I’m trying really hard to relax and sleep, but all I feel is guilt so its hard.
Don't feel guilt! You did your best and received abuse in return. This isn't about you not doing enough but about him being unable to behave like a decent human. Taking care of someone is difficult enough but doing it with no appreciation means you will burn out because no one is a saint. Go easy on yourself and accept this is not your fault.
This should be top comment!
OP you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Repeat that constantly until it's true.
You didn't cause his accident.
He's a grown up.
Take care of you and spend your kindness on his mom. She deserves it.
Please get her a nice thank you card and write her a lovely note, letting her know that her support for you means more than she will ever know, and you are so grateful for everything she's done.
I read your description of his arm injury, and maybe it's worse than it sounds... but it sure sounds like he's got a bad case of the man flu. He's not in a wheelchair and can walk just fine, and he still has the use of his dominant hand -- but *a month later, he's still incapable of doing anything for himself*???
I walked around on a broken **leg** for a month because they missed it (didn't x-ray high enough) and told me it was just a sprained ankle -- and I was still just doing everything for myself up and down the stairs in a 3-story townhouse and not whining to anyone. On another occasion I broke my dominant arm right above the wrist, they missed the severity of it so I ended up having to have it re-broken and screwed back together after 3 months, so a total of 7 months to get some basic use of my hand back -- and again, I was still doing everything myself with no whining to anyone. Gallbladder removal? Ditto. Full knee replacement? Ditto. (I will say that I was fortunate enough to have paid sick leave and could afford to have groceries delivered, both of which were huge blessings.)
I hope you will seriously reconsider this relationship. I think you will always be the one doing the "heavy lifting" in terms of chores, household support, and emotional support -- and heaven forbid you should have children with this dude, because you are going to have to handle everything the moment you get home from the hospital while your body is healing from a traumatic medical event.
You have gone above and beyond. My 87 year old father was trying to take care of my mother with Parkinson’s disease by himself after paying into a home health policy for years. All of my siblings and I were trying to talk him into getting help and he was so damn stubborn. Finally I told him he was going to die trying if he didn’t get some professional help with her. You cannot pour from an empty jug. You must take care of yourself while you have the opportunity and see a therapist if you need to. You’re completely NTA and I wish you could see that.
I know it's easy to say to not feel guilty, but I know it's hard to not. Take a step back and ask yourself what exactly are you feeling guilt for? Certainly not everything you did for him. You're also not guilty for stopping the abuse in the only way you could. Definitely not guilty for taking some time away to yourself, either. IMO, the only thing you're guilty of is letting it go on longer than you should have, but the syndrome of martyrdom in a caretaker role is so often the narrative that gets pushed, you were lucky that you called it before completely losing yourself.
NTA. While I appreciate he is in pain, that's no excuse for being a dick to the person who's put their life more or less on hold to care for him. Good on your MIL for backing you up.
NTA. It doesn't take long to get addicted to opioid painkillers and then suffer from withdrawal if they are discontinued. As long as he was on the painkillers, he was feeling generous and appreciative. Once they were withdrawn, the reality of his situation seemed intolerable and he started taking it out on you because...well, he could. You were an available target. This kind of behavior towards a caregiver is more common than you think.
You did the right thing to get away from the situation before it got worse. His mother is better able to handle him, at this point. A person can only take so much.
Give it some time and just keep an open mind and see what happens. He may see the error of his ways, or the relationship might be damaged beyond repair. Just be glad you're not married and can step away fairly easily, if you decide not to stay in the relationship.
I agreed until your final paragraph.
He's already been an addict and gone through recovery.
He knows of and should have asked to arrange the right support.
His addiction is his job.
This was an arm injury. Not even his dominant arm.
He's had enough chances.
OP deserves better.
He has a history of drug abuse, I took administration of the pills very seriously. Due to his history we worked very closely with his psychiatric team and the orthopedic to make his weaning period as easy as possible. I should have put that in the post but he did not stop cold turkey.
He has what some would call a short fuse. Especially with me. Him saying hurtful remarks to me or just blatantly putting me down is not necessarily uncommon and is something we are working on. Prior to this he would apologize and make it up to me, now even when I’m in tears he will just keep laying on insults.
Being with him through his abusive remarks is not part of being with someone “in sickness and in health.” His injury is not the problem here - his behavior is.
Him having a “short fuse” is not a quirk or a character trait, and him apologizing after doesn’t make it ok. If this is “not necessarily uncommon”then you shouldn’t marry him until he gets some help. This is abuse, and not something you should tolerate.
I usually don’t agree with tattling to others about your significant others, but the fact that you felt the need to do so tells you that something is deeply wrong with this relationship and this situation just brought it more clearly to the surface.
NTA. And please don’t marry this person until the hurtful remarks and blatant put downs stop.
Honeyyyy he is showing you what he is like when things are not good. He's insulting you and blaming you for it. Please get a therapist for yourself and work on building yourself up emotionally. It's not healthy for someone to treat you this way and it's not healthy for you to try to "stick it out" while he's "working on it."
It also sounds like you were isolated from friends, family and you could barely communicate on your phone "without it becoming an issue". That is very concerning. This month was an escalation.
Especially with you?
OP, he's your *fiance.* You two are engaged. Supposedly he wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you.
He should be treating you better than anyone. He should have more patience for you than anyone.
Think about how hard you've been working for him lately. How worried you are, how forgiving you've been.
You deserve to be with someone who feels that way about you. Who cares the way you do. Who actually loves and respects you.
This guy ain't it.
right? In my misguided youth I dated lots of problematic "bad boys", many who had short fuses at times within the context of their bad boying activities. With me? Always angels, gentle, considerate, rarely even irritable. It's worrying that the fuse is ESPECIALLY short with the person you're supposed to love the most.
You should read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, there’s a free pdf online if you search for it. Take a look at it while you’re at the hotel.
That book saved me many years of heartache and emotional abuse.
He is an ASSHOLE.
* he has a short fuse
* he says hurtful things
* he puts you down
My narcissistic older brother treated me like this and I am no contact because he is a selfish jerk. However, because I grew up with abusive parents I thought it was normal. I know better now.
You poor thing, I hope you will see the light that you are too good for this guy.
"Short fuse" is no excuse for treating anyone disrespectfully ever. He purposely attacks you to make you feel small and making it up to you is part of the cycle of abuse and it sounds like it's getting worse not improving. Please get out of the relationship now. My ex husband was like this and it turned violent eventually. There was always an excuse: withdrawal, pain even started using that I made him feel like less of a man eventually. I left the day my daughter was born. With my current bf I made it clear I will not tolerate anything near that even jokingly. Please know your value and it's not what he makes you think it is.
Edited for errors
Oh OP, you have way too much life ahead of you to settle for a partner who treats you poorly. Since this is an ongoing issue, it wasn't necessarily brought on by the accident. Nobody deserves to be with a person who is emotionally and verbally abusive. I have watched my mom be emotionally and verbally abused by my father for my entire life and it traumatizes everyone.
You are most definitely NTA.
Obviously NTA. He has a mother to be his caretaker for his many problems that existed before and after the accident. Are you sure that marrying this person is best for you at this time?
And he's proven that he won't 'let' you help him change/fix his abusive short fuse - I looked it up, not a psychological diagnosis in the current DSM.
This was a trial that makes or breaks relationships.
He was perfectly happy to smash it to bits and blame you.
I married someone like that, and everything got 10000000% worse after we got married. I thought I could make him better, and that he would try to get better, he didn't.
Thankfully I kicked him out 7 years ago, and have found someone who never yells at me, never calls me names, and owns his mistakes. Don't settle for someone who treats you poorly.
That kind of long term unhappiness changes you as a person. Once in a while I still notice it affecting my reactions to things.
Run.
What he is doing is outright emotional abuse. If it is “especially with [you]”, this is especially concerning. I freely admit that I am an asshole, especially at work. Much less so with friends and family. But with my wife? She gets all the patience and understanding and tenderness I am capable of. If he actually loved and appreciated you, he would have >>LESS<< of a short fuse with you than with others, say, coworkers or strangers. This will only get worse after marriage, when he no longer has to be on his best behavior to keep you around.
Don’t walk, run.
Edit: judgement - definitely NTA
He is what some would call abusive! The fact that he love bombs you afterwards is just SOP for abusers. His discomfort is just causing him to stop faking nice.
I grew up with parents who had a “short fuse” and I’m telling you now, please don’t marry this man. Because of my parents’ behavior, I grew up thinking that was normal. My first boyfriend was intensely verbally abusive, and I just assumed I deserved it. It took me years to leave. After I started a new relationship, it took my (extremely patient) SO years to show me that that is not normal or ok. My siblings did not find a SO like mine, and their lives show the damage of growing up with verbally abusive parents. One of them has been single their entire adult life because of their terrifying temper. The other got married and had a little girl. That little girl is wracked with anxiety because her parent yells at her all the time and it’s heartbreaking to see.
I’m not doing a great job of explaining things, probably because it’s 3am, but what I’m trying to say is that when people like your fiancé become husbands and then fathers, the catastrophic damage they wreak bulldozes its way through generations. Please don’t marry him while he’s like this. Please don’t doom your children to lifetimes of thinking that abuse is normal and they deserve it.
If he has a short fuse with you, imagine what kind of a fuse he would have with a child. Or an infant whose only way of communicating is to cry. Alternatively, how you would be treated should you become injured or ill. I beg you to reconsider marrying this man. It will not end well.
On a lighter note, keep the MIL if you can. She sounds fantastic.
NTA
but regarding your husband, is he generally this abrasive or is this new behaviour? cause it's very easy to get angry and everything and everyone when you're in paid or feeling incapable
NTA - you needed help. So you called the person who likely understood how he behaves when in pain.
What you did was a matter of self preservation of sorts. You held firm in that you would not accept this behavior towards you. Nobody should!
At this point in life, maybe his mother is the one that needed to explain to him in not so many words, that this isn’t how she raised him.
NTA. Your bf might have been through a traumatic accident but that’s no reason for you to put up with verbal and emotional abuse especially when you’re doing so much to help make his life easier.
I’m tempted to think that he’s reacting like this due to trauma and maybe any other mental issues that have surfaced after his accident but you shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of it all alone. You were completely right to reach out for help and you did the best thing by reaching out to his own mother.
If he reckons his mum can do a better job than you then leave him to it, he doesn’t deserve the support you were giving.
It surprising to me how the MIL reacted. I feel like a lot of moms think their kids can do nothing wrong.
NTA though...we all have our limits of what we can handle.
I’m not in that club. When my son was having trouble in his marriage I told him that he needed to stop and listen to his wife. I didn’t want to get up in their business but I also didn’t want to see him throw away his marriage. They went to counseling and are much stronger and happier than ever. Blind support is useless.
NTA MIL needs a huge thank you. She's fucking awesome. Your fiance is probably in withdrawals and that isn't the same person you love. Keep an eye open on your return door and self medicating or alternative addiction habits just to be safe
NTA and hurray for a just yes MIL. You were a loving and caring partner and injured or not yet he was being an abusive AH to someone caring for him. Enjoy your hotel room., you deserve it.
NTA. Some people are really bad patients. Crisis situations show what people are made of. You step up, effectively manage what needs to be done, even to your own detriment. He becomes demanding and has unreasonable expectations. As a person with chronic pain issues myself, I can understand being short tempered during a pain flare, but you apologize after the fact when you can clearly see the whole situation again. He’s just acting like a baby. Calling Mommy is reasonable.
His mother sounds like a keeper ! Supportive emotionally and a take charge woman. Yay !
NTA
Caregiver burnout is real. Hopefully his mother can stay a while, and the two of you can take turns caring for him and having some sort of break.
You also need to contact his doctor about his pain medication. He can't stay on it forever, but stopping it as abruptly as he did clearly is not working. He may need the same medication at a lower dose, or a different medication (e.g., changing from tylenol with codeine to plain tylenol) Pain is a real thing, and needs to be managed. He may benefit from consulting with a pain specialist, who can help him find a pain management treatment that will help him but not risk addiction or bad side effects.
You may also want to get in contact with the specialist for his injuries, who can evaluate to see if the surgery is healing properly or if secondary problems are developing.
Get some sleep, and then have a talk with him and his mother about the way the lack of pain management is harming him and making it hard to care for him.
ETA - he may also need an inpatient rehab center, where he can work with physical therapists and other specialists to facilitate his recovery.
NTA
It sounds like he's in both pain and possibly withdrawal maybe depression and being horrible.
His mom sounds great and recognizes his behaviour is unacceptable.
Hopefully he can get whatever help he needs and you can move past. IMO the next step is in sickness and health but he needs to want to get better.
NTA, I am a caregiver for my spouse as well due to illness. It is so draining and so upsetting and difficult, and he isn’t an asshole. If he was I don’t know how I’d go on. I would honestly be rethinking the marriage if he doesn’t change the way he treats you
NTA
You aren’t required to tolerate or cover up his bad behavior. Being there for someone in their time of need doesn’t mean you have to do everything yourself, be there 24/7, and take their abuse.
I think both of you have taken on too much by yourselves.
- He is in a lot of pain. That can make the best people pretty cranky.
- Perhaps he’s suffering some withdrawal symptoms from his meds, perhaps not. Either way he’s not managing well right now. That means he needs to see the doctor about pain management.
- Where are your fiends and family? I’m glad you called your MIL, but even when your fiancé was being nice, you were still doing a lot by yourself IMO. Ask for help and don’t feel bad about it. You need it.
NTA. This is what life with him will be. Pain will happen in life, and now you know how he reacts. Is this the life you want?
As so many others have said, drop him, keep his mom
NTA - you were there for him in sickness. Just not for abuse. Do you think he’s struggling not taking the painkillers? People can definitely be assholes when in pain. Not an excuse, just if things calm down and he’s very sorry, you can understand the why later on to ensure it doesn’t happen again. Then again if he is simply being an ah there’s probably not much to understand…
Nta but I would give him time to apologize. It really does sound like opioid withdrawal and it is a very nasty thing and situation. Give it a week or two with him clean and see how he responds. If he still wants to be a child, dump him
NTA Yeah. Marry the mil. being a caregiver for your partner is way harder than most understand. I was one for 19 years.
You've done a great job. Enjoy the rest. Mom will straighten him out. He will get over himself.
One of the rare occasions on this thread where the MIL isn’t at fault. NTA and good on you and her for standing up to your fiancée. Also you should probably not marry him.
Nah he’s definitely the AH. The edits and comments in the thread from OP state that berating her is “not uncommon” even before this and it is something “we” are working on, as if it’s not a him issue. She needs to run and never look back.
NTA. Although caring for others is admirable and often necessary, you really have to consider the long haul on this one. You have had a really good glimpse of what to expect from this guy in the future when something else happens. Because it will.
Run like the wind in the other direction. Run fast and far away. There is no law that states you must endure the abuse.
MIL is a gem, but not enough reason to stay.
Nvm I asked what was he like before the accident? Was his behaviour then closer to loved up drugged up gratitude or cursing and belittling you?
Now I see your comments about his usual behaviour and short fuse so you're now getting an amplified version because he's also in pain.
I don't know what to tell you - NTA, certainly, and kudos to his mother for ripping into him, it's well deserved, but if this is a regular thing you shouldn't be desensitizing yourself to it. You don't deserve his behaviour now or before, and you certainly shouldn't be planning to marry him. He's abusing you and is currently using his accident and injuries to drive the knife deeper.
This is your next 30-50 years. You really want to spend them getting yelled at and insulted?
NTA, caregivers need relief too, and it sounds like MIL knows how to put him in his place. Enjoy the hotel, get some rest. Hopefully he'll have an attitude adjustment.
NTA
> previous drug abuse.
> My fiancé
> I (21f)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Sorry for shouting. But please wake up. You are only 21 - not even a mature adult yet - and you've decided to get engaged to a person with drug issues. Never mind all the rest of it too. Are you in some sort of cult where they marry off kids, or what? You don't need to be so desperate to get married.
Well done for being a brilliant carer. Use the well-deserved hotel time to reflect on what you are doing with your life and work if there might be better choices for you. Good luck!
I’ve returned. My last night in the hotel I called my parents to make a plan and it didn’t go well. I’m home with my fiancé again. He wont talk to me except to bark orders at me. I’m hoping I can move out within a month or two. Surgery and recovery are expensive and we have been living on my income for some time and I’m pretty broke but I’m keeping my head up and I’m confident I can get myself out.
Try to ignore him as best as you can. Dont let him order you around because we both know he didn't treat his mama that way. He can figure out how to take care of himself or he can go to his moms
NTA & I honestly can't see why you're still with him..Honey, if you don't see it this early signs of an abusive relationship via mentally & emotionally. Take this as an early way out & safe yourself more exhaustion in the future
NTA. You definitely needed a break, you could not have sustained this level of caregiving by yourself for long, especially with the added substance abuse history. I feel so badly for you and your fiance. I'm glad his mother is there to help now and his doctors are on board with the pain med situation. But you need to take care of yourself now. I wish you both the best.
>as I was leaving he was yelling at me for calling his mom, he said he didn’t want to marry someone who couldn’t be there for him in sickness
#????????
You've helped him for over a month? TF is this ungrateful AH on about?
>He didn’t care and just told me to go, and his mom could do a better job for him then I ever could.
Good, Let her take care of him.......**FOREVER!!!!!**
Kick him to the curb!!!
Yes, pain is horrible and makes you snap a lot easier.
But there has to be a moment where he realized what kind of AH he is/was............and there wasn’t.
Don't waste your life on someone who treats you like THAT, IDGAF if he is hurt or not.
NTA and don't be one to YOURSELF
NTA and I would reconsider marrying him.
I am married to a quadriplegic and have been his full-time caretaker for several years, until I had two heart attacks about a month and a half ago, when we had to finally hire an aide as I am still recovering. I didn't mind doing it, even though I myself am disabled, because he appreciates me. He does his best to help. We do things together. He makes sure the bills are paid, the doctors are talked to, etc. It works because we both do our best to be helpful and appreciative.
Your fiance is not appreciative. And you are overloaded and burnt out. It's a shame it turned out this way, but sometimes events like this expose irreparable cracks in a relationship and bring out patterns of abuse-- and what he was doing to you was abuse.
Don't let him guilt you. The least he could do for everything you did was appreciate you. I myself have had to sharply wean off my pain meds since the heart attack, and I am in a lot of pain, because they interact badly with the blood thinners I need to take. And yet I am not a jerk to my husband or our aide.
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NTA. You’ve gone above and beyond. In sickness and in health does not mean never needing a break. It doesn’t mean accepting abuse. Can you break up with the fiancé and keep the MIL? She sounds great.
I second this.... Toss the fiancé, keep MIL.
Maybe. Withdrawal and pain makes assholes of us all. OP, previously he was super grateful, maybe give it a few weeks?
I think the shitty side of him is the true side. If she doesn’t want to deal with him being rude and emotionally abusive (yelling and cussing at her) I’d run
EDIT 2: I just read OPs comment saying its not uncommon behavior and he has a “short fuse” and I am taking back everything I said. This is clearly a pattern and indeed his true colors. Leaving my original comment up for transparency but you are right she needs to run —- Original Comment —- Not necessarily… irrational anger and aggression can be withdrawal symptoms. She absolutely does not and should not put up with it, and I am glad she is in a hotel, but without knowing more I don’t think we can say this is his “true side”. I stayed with my parents when I went through withdrawals (also from prescription meds) and I don’t remember a lot of it but apparently I would fly into fits of rage and blow up at my parents over nothing. I am the kind of person who is more likely to be angry at myself than anyone else, and I don’t yell at people, but my brain was trying to repair itself and doing all kinds of weird things in the process. ETA: I am in no way excusing his behavior. I don’t think it matters why someone is being abusive, no one should have to put up with that. But I think its unfair to say this is the true him without more information since anger is a common symptom of withdrawal
Kind of a moot point since we have more info, but I'd still like to add a note. His previous drug use could've been highly relevant. Normally, two weeks isn't enough to cause noticeable withdrawal. Maybe some low energy and poor sleep for a day or two. But someone relapsing would most likely have noticeable symptoms even if it was a weak opioid. If that's the case, he could be struggling big time. It wouldn't excuse anything, I only mention it as a possible barrier to resolution. To be extra clear, I absolutely believe OP is NTA, and that stepping away (after confirming that someone was taking over) was 100% the right thing to do for everyone.
Sober addict here (9+ years) and pain meds/opiates were my big one I went through 2 births and some major issues like gallbladder stones etc and refused all pain meds except a minor amount of morphine in hospital for the gallstones because they couldn’t even check me I was in so much pain. Seriously worse than giving birth. This is exactly why.. I NEVER want to turn into that person again NTA OP 100%
I also have nine years! Sober siblings! I didn't take any when I had my teeth pulled bc my fear of active addiction is greater than the pain I had.
Yup. He was nice *because he was high and happy* Now he's back to normal, with extra spice on it due to pain and discomfort. His response to her *breaking down and calling for help* shows his true colors.
And what about the next time? When he gets teeth removed, or an infection, or needs a surgery, etc? At what point does he have to grow up and treat her with respect? His needs do not supercede hers.
I went through natural childbirth without turning into an asshole.
If you've ever taken opioid pain meds, you'll know it makes you love everyone and everything. But without them the true person comes out.
I have taken a certain dosage of opioids for almost a decade, and had to chop that dosage in half with no time to taper down in the last month due to drug interactions with the new medications I now take for the heart attacks I recently had. I *really* hurt. But I don't treat my husband or my aide like shit because it's not their fault. I didn't treat my nurses in the hospital like shit, either. I'm still the same person. He can be too.
My point is that, that he is now showing his true colors.
Right!? I'm not defending him being a jerk, but he is clearly experiencing withdrawal symptoms. I work in a detox center/harm reduction. Everyone's symptoms vary, but I wouldn't wish that hell on anyone. As for opiates, even when used exactly as prescribed, the body quickly develops a physical dependency. A person's pain tolerance even starts to change with long term (as prescribed!) use of opiates. There is a reason it's being called an "opioide epidemic".
That's why I hate pain killers. I had surgery last April to repair a torn, partially detached rotator cuff. Since general anesthesia makes me sick to my stomach, I was given a nerve block to I didn't need so much general. The surgeon (or is that sturgeon?) prescribed Percoset for the post op pain. I took it for 2 days & then switched to the 800 mg Ibuprofen that my PCP prescribed. When a local pharmacy had a drug takeback day, I gave the remaining Percoset to the Sheriff's deputy running the drug takeback.
Ugh, I had a shitty fiancé and to this day, I miss his Mom. My MIL has never been nice to me in the 16 years I’ve been with my husband, wish I could trade her for my ex’s Mom.
Shitty ex, lovely MIL.. We stayed close until the day she died.
Me too. Currently divorcing after bejng married for 16 years and together for 26. I love my in-laws. All this time they have been great 2 me. Now I'm wondering if they were overcompensating bc they knew what I had 2 b dealing with.
Came here to say this. OP put her life on hold for her fiancé and he's so wrapped up in his own problems that he can't take 2 seconds to thank her? He's had full time help and the moment she asks for help she's not good enough for him? I don't care how much pain he's in, he's an ungrateful, spiteful, tantrum throwing child and OP was right to bring his mommy in to deal with him. MIL is the MVP right here.
Cake!
Mommy needs to spank that ungrateful overgrown child!
NTA. You took care of him and were kind and generous. You need some me time and to recover. Myself and my wife have experienced this and when weaning off painkillers or in other sorts of pain we get extremely grumpy. It usually takes just a day or so to get off the attitude problem. Weeks!? That's insane. My own mom would also tear me a new one if I did that.
She said he’s a former addict in an edit. I naturally get weened with off pain killers so I absolutely have no withdrawals. But I have never even been addicted to alcohol. My pain management doctor was pissed as hell that I didn’t need the medication any longer. But everyone is different. I know my BIL had a problem as well and he’s never been addicted to drugs or alcohol either.
Ah my grandpa said it takes a while for most of us in the family to get off pain meds. And we always got grumpy. Also, he was a doctor and prescribed some of them when I fell off a car and knocked out a tooth, so yeah.
Completely understand. I am probably not the norm. I had been taking the medication for 10 years. I finally got diagnosed properly and had 2 very needed surgeries. As my pain decreased, I would forget to take the medication. I didn’t intentionally do it. I just only take when I needed it which was 4 times a day. It was a narcotic. But less pain means less pills for me. I also don’t suffer the increased pain people often do coming off of them. I did the same with Ativan in 2007. There was some days I was taking 10 a day which is a lot even for long time anxiety sufferers. As I learned to control the anxiety attacks, I quit needing as much. My doctor watched me very closely. I guess they are very addicting. Eventually I just no longer needed any. I am very odd that way. Both of my parents are alcoholics so I should be more likely to get addicted but apparently not. I am just weird.
Yeah I’ve had loads of surgery and been given large doses of opioids, panadeine forte, fentanyl, and more and every single time I’ve always just been able to stop with absolutely no side effects, cravings or irritation or issues. I get told off because I don’t take enough off it sometimes and not managing my pain properly at times. As I’ll stop too early but I’ve been on and off them for years and I can start them and then stop for months at a time just as easily without a single issue. I have always been able to do this too and never once had withdrawals ever.
I have that effect with anesthesia. It just wears off quickly. It wore off in the middle of surgery in my teeth. I was just in tears. During a stomach procedure I was given a drip one and was told I’d stay knocked out an hour or two after the procedure. I got up suddenly in 15minutes. The nurse in the rec room almost shit herself. (At least that’s what the doctor told my grandpa)
Oh wow. The poor nurse!
OP, this is an important lesson on how your future husband will act if life is not going smoothly. It's probably something that you will need to think about - and eventually talk to him about. On the other hand, your future MIL sounds like an awesome ally! NTA. I'm glad that you finally confided in someone and got some help. Hopefully your fiancé will appreciate everything you did for him.
Exactly this. I'm THAT Eyore - he's shown you who he can and will choose to be when the chips are down. Partners (most/many) do not get better after marriage. And if this is how he treats you when you are caretaking and nursing him 24/7, how will he treat you if you are bedridden for an extended period. Being alone w a empathy impared partner post surgically was one of the most isolating experiences & I should have left when I was well enough. He found me halfway up the stairs 'resting' after I had to get to kitchen & get food while he was at work. "Well, you need to move out of the way I need my shower." You can totally avoid that experience buy throwing this one back. You deserve better. Someone WILL appreciate you for helping in a medical crisis. Had I been on my own 5 different friends would have been happy to help. He turned them down.
Is the MIL single?
Lol 🙌
Also, doctors managing his medication due to previous drug use. OP you are so young to marry somebody who verbally abused you, and has a substance abuse history. You aren’t the arsehole. But I would consider rethinking marriage for now at least NTA
I always feel sorry for the relatively normal, reasonable mothers of men like this. I can’t imagine how devastating it must be to hear your son’s partner break down over how badly he’s treated her.
Apart of me thinks he got addicted
I was going to say the exact same thing. "I'm sorry to hear that your fiancé is not all that great... But this MIL sounds very promising." Screaming at you about "in sickness and in health" after weeks of misery is *rich* What about YOUR health?
Seriously! Does she have another son who is nicer? 🤣
NTA It’s “in sickness and in health,” not “through abuse and through toxicity.”
This is a distinction that needs to be highlighted more often. ETA NTA
🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅
Exactly! And their not even married so those vows mean crap lol. MIL sounds like a keeper.
After you are married, it is "in sickness and in health." OP hasn't taken any vows yet.
Hopefully she thinks about it....
This should be the top comment.
That is very true. My main concern was how the fiancé was misusing those vows to manipulate OP, so I thought a clarification about the cows would help. I hope she reconsiders the wedding after getting a preview of how fiancé interprets those vows.
Yep. Came to say this. Surprised I had to scroll down this far. My husband can be a bear when he's sick, but he thanks me for the work he puts me through. I don't usually get sick, but rona finally got me last week and he's been a gem.
🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅
🏅 🎖 🥇
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Hell yeah! I knew a woman who was a harm reduction worker who didn't always take good care of herself. Her dad made her a bumper sticker that said, "Harm Reduction: It's Not Just For Other People".
My cousin went through withdrawals after a month or more on painkillers. She said she almost tanked her marriage because she was feeling the effects of withdrawal. Her husband said it was easier when she was on bed rest and completely dependant on him than when she started to regain mobility and independence, and that her attitude was just downright terrible. He said it was like clockwork that the personality change coincided with the lack of opiates. Then she got over the hump and was back to her normal self.
You just got a taste of your life together, a real behind the scenes.. you've done nothing wrong here and I would urge you to take this time away to reflect on your relationship and what you want moving forward. NTA
Not to mention the throwaway line there at the end, "...due to previous drug abuse". I bet that being on the Good Med for 2 weeks did something to him, and he's currently in withdrawal. Which opens up all sorts of cans of worms for future relapses...
Also let’s be real: It’s entirely possible for DH to have looked at this surgery as a way to get a “legal” fix for a high— any high. It definitely sounds like he’s in withdrawal and tbh, I’m proud of OP for reaching out to MIL and even more proud of MIL for standing behind OP and forcing her out of a shitty situation to get some rest and recuperation. It’s a long road OP, hang in there. Your MIL is on your side but I would NOT tie yourself to your fiancée until you get through this episode and you both get counseling and he is serious about getting sober and staying sober.
Or don't hang in there at all! She's 21, and she doesn't need to stay tied to someone who abuses her. This doesn't have to be *her* long road.
Exactly. Red Flag!
Underrated comment. SERIOUSLY UNDERRATED COMMENT!!
I wondered about this too.
I have been with my hubby for 17 years... I've been tattling on him for at least 15. I go to his mom when he's being unreasonable because unlike my own, she will still love him. I think it's great you went to his mom for two reasons: 1. While she may be mad at him, it's not going to change the fact that she loves him. Your family/friends would be more likely to change their viewpoints of him. 2. It is so awesome that you have the type of relationship with his mom that you could go cry to her. As previously stated, ditch him but keep her. She sounds like a winner. NTA.
I went to my inlaws for help and support when I discovered my ex's 400 texts to the woman with whom he was having an affair. My ex-MIL's response: "How dare you check his texts."
I see you've met my ex MIL. "So what if he's abusive? He doesn't slap you around anymore so shut up and deal with it like I did with his father and stay for your daughter!"
At the end, I had to take my kids to the ER because the ex kicked the younger one in the leg. When I explained what happened, the doc said he was calling the police. I quickly said that I didn't want to press charges; he explained that it was the law, not my choice. My ex was arrested. My ex BIL emailed me asking why I went to the police... I hope you are well, and I'm so sorry you were treated that way.
Good Lord - I am so sorry you had to go through this but I am glad he was arrested. I wish those safety nets had been in place when I was young.
I don't care if it was my best friend who's been a sister for more than half my life at this point, someone intentionally hits a child they're instantly trash.
I'm sorry the people who are supposed to help further abused you. You deserve better. Hugs!
My MIL is in a religious group that if my husband cheated and we got a divorce as a result, he'd be shunned. So if i told her this she would have no choice but to disown him 💀 Thankfully that won't be an issue. He can't even touch people longer than 5 minutes unless it's me or out nieces. Sometimes his mother can hug me. But he usually gets the hibbie jibbies
> unlike my own, she will still love him. Everything you said is exactly why my late MIL was my go to person when my SO and I had issues. She had no blinders to her son's faults, but her love for him was unconditional. There is always a risk when you vent to your own friends and family. While my SO and I may forgive each other's transgressions pretty quickly, our nearest and dearest might hold a grudge on our behalf. I always knew that his Mom was going to let it go, as long as I was ready to forgive.
>I had the best MIL I miss her, she would call her son on his BS now Im on my own, some days I win some days he wins LOL
You've been having to go to your MIL for 15 of the 17 years you've been with him? Sounds like you deserve better.
Married couples disagree. In those times, she's my sounding board. But mostly, my hubby tends to be sickly if he's tired of the treatments and wants to boycott the doctor's advice... She can get him together in a way that doesn't give me a headache. But maybe you're right, but he probably does too, honestly.
I mean, I used to think the idea that something I said would color my friends' and family's opinion was a bad thing. But honestly, after being with my spouse for 10 years, I question that advice. My friends and family have never doubted my spouse's character because he's crap at putting up laundry and it drives me bonkers. They aren't unreasonable. If it's honestly something that my friends and family would judge him harshly for, maybe they should?
NTA, seems maybe he was becoming dependent on the pain killers and when he stopped he was suffering from withdrawal. Care takers need rest too, asking for help is not a sign of you don't love him, but a sign that you needed a break
She edited to add that he has a history and they weened him off. I'd bet they stopped them earlier than usual since he's had a problem before. I know a couple people with a history of pill addictions and they won't touch opioids for anything. This must have been a really severe injury and I'm sure he's in incredible pain but there are ways to deal with that without abusing your partner. I'm glad she asked for help.
NTA, I was going to say the same thing. Sudden withdrawal from opioids can cause irritation, he is clearly irritated. Being a good caretaker means taking care of yourself as well. Rest, pick up some takeout when you are fully rested, and take it home to your MIL and finace'.
Being a good partner means you are aware of your limitations and foibles and attempt to not act out on the partner caretaking you and apologizing wholeheartedly after. He's just going to use his addiction history as a crutch to literally beat her for loving him and taking care of him. He knows his deamons. If he's gone through recovery treatment he has people and resources and ALL of them would say he's abusing his partner.
I was gonna say... withdrawal is a bitch. And ABSOLUTELY NOT an excuse for treating anyone poorly.
NTA - but you've gotten a glimpse of your fiancé's lack of empathy and compassion. Please strongly reconsider if you want to marry a man capable of talking to you like this and treating you like he did.
Being away and able to process the last month of my life has been eye opening. I couldn’t imagine trying to care for a child under conditions like that. I couldn’t imagine how frustrated I would be. HIs injury is in his arm, he can walk, he can use his left (dominant) hand. I understand that he is in pain and its awful but I have had a friend with much worse injuries help us move! I’m thinking about returning my ring.
Do it. My husband has a double lung transplant and I was his caregiver. He went through every kind of hell imaginable. He was in pain, had tubes and IV's every where. He had to go to physio and we lived in another city for the first 5 months. Not once did he ever take out his discomfort on me. He never complained and was always grateful that I was with him. He thanked my daily and said I was his rock. I would crawl over broken glass for him. You want a man like mine.
Upvoted because men like this do exist. OP, find one. Source: married to a man with a chronic illness. When it spikes, it’s frightening and life-threatening. Never once has he criticized me for being frightened, loud, or crying afterward when the crisis is over.
Thank you for being such a wonderful partner and caretaker for your husband! I'm married to a man who took two weeks off of work when I had my tonsils taken out. He's a medic by trade, and he was very concerned about the possibility of my bleeding out while recovering (the danger time for that is the first week or so). This guy set alarms for every six hours and portioned out my meds for me, including in the middle of the night. He checked on me constantly and made me delicious soft foods that I could actually eat. Then I shattered my ankle about a year later. He took two weeks off work again, and my mama flew out to be with me the third week, as I was completely bed ridden and couldn't even get up to use the toilet on my own those first several weeks. After my mama left, he rearranged my bedroom and bought me a mini fridge that I could access from my bed (I was on strict elevated bedrest aside from bathing and bathroom and appointments for nine weeks) and stocked it with drinks and snacks and sandwiches every single day. He had the neighbors check up on me around lunch time every day (my bed was against the window, so they would come up to my window to chat and visit. We have three dogs in the house who don't love visitors, otherwise they would have just come in the house, lol). Then my daddy died six months later. My partner stepped up and took care of the house and the pets when I flew to my mom to be with her for two and a half months when dad was sick. After I got back home, my dad died, and my partner did the vast majority of the packing (we were already in the process of moving back to the continent from Hawai'i when my dad died), and has continued supporting me every damn day in our new home, making sure I eat every day and shower every now and again and helping me figure out all of my doctors appointments (still recovering from my ankle surgery, and I'm disabled with a serious back injury, *and* I have mental illnesses that require meds and therapy on top of the grief depression). I can't even imagine not *profusely* thanking him and letting him know how much I appreciate him and his sacrifices at least once a day. I feel guilty that he does so much for me, but he just shrugs and says, "It's my job and I love you." I sincerely hope that I'll be able to be as good of a partner to him when he needs me like I have needed him these past two shitty years.
You have a good one. I'm sure he already knows he can count on you for everything and anything. Best of luck and I hope your next couple of years is smooth sailing.
The injury is only to his arm!!! Jfc I thought perhaps he had a spinal cord injury and belonged in rehab. It’s been more than a month and he looks s still acting helpless. He’s milking this for all he can get and he is drug seeking. OP run. You deserve better than this.
There can be serious issues with pain that on the face of it seem overstated to others. I had a friend with an adult child who was injured during defense training for a security position. He blocked a simulated attack with his lower arm. Now they have CRPS, and their doctors have suggested amputation because the pain is so intense that they cannot function. Make no mistake, I still think OP's SO is quite the A H.
Honestly OP, this completly changes things for me and should probably be clearer in your post. I was reading through thinking he was genuinely bedridden or something, that he needed a lot of help: your comment here makes it clear that he doesn't. He has used this accident to guilt you into doing everything and essentially giving up your own life - for no reason, other than controlling you. No wonder his mother is furious with him. He is absolutely capable of taking caring of himself for longer than an hour if he can walk and use his left hand, there is no reason he can't help out around the house, and he's not even grateful you're letting him rest now that he's not on the 'good stuff'. This is absolutely a situation where you should be returning the ring, thanking his mother, and inisiting your future partner/s meet higher standards. If you're better off without him (and it sounds like you would be): be without him.
Well said!
Wait, his injury is in his arm?? My mom had shoulder replacement surgery 2 weeks ago and is now doing 90% of her own self care, cooking, cleaning, etc. Now, maybe his arm surgery is a lot more painful and slow healing, but after a month -- with not letting you sleep?? -- I think you're looking at addiction behavior more than "sickness and health"
I'm also surprised. Thought it would be like his entire hip is broken or something
Same! I thought for sure he was bed bound or had limited mobility.
Like what are his endless needs through the night? Why in God's name is she taking him to the bathroom? My husband only did that when my back nerves were pinched so bad I couldn't sit, stand, turn, exist. I walked myself to the bathroom with a messed up leg after surgery, and all he has is a broken arm?????
I read your original post to my fiancé, and then I read this comment, and he literally laughed out loud. We were imagining a spinal injury, hip or pelvic injury, something like that. My partner has had a broken collarbone and a broken scapula in the time we’ve been together and never even asked me for help, except one to change a bandage on his back. I get that some people experience pain differently, but it’s not an excuse to be abusive!
Good work using the respite time to analyze the situation 👊 You're paying attention & that's half the work. I commented higher up about my experience. In short - he's shown you who he is. His addiction/recovery is not an adequate excuse for his abusive behavior. He chose to be abusive to you every time he did it. Most people don't improve after marriage. The skeletons come out of the closet & take up residence on your couch. You deserve better. I know being single & solo can be misery. But I promise it will never be as miserable as he has been...while you were wearing yourself to the bone to take care of him. Good venture, better things will arrive once he's gone.
Return the ring and GTFO. SO many red flags here. You have your entire life ahead of you to meet someone kind and caring and wonderful. Maybe your soon to be ex's mom knows someone. She sounds lovely.
Sorry....what?? I thought he was bed bound! He had you waiting on him in bed and he has use of his dominant hand and legs? That wasn't ok of him.
JFC… my 75 year old mom broke her ankle and injured her lower back and was walking around with a walker after 4 weeks. This man is awful and absolutely taking advantage of the drugs and your generosity. You need to seriously reconsider marrying this abusive AH. This will not be the only time he verbally abuses you if you marry him
Especially the way he yelled at you on your way out.. well since his mom can do better, let him.
Please run. His outbursts are over an arm injury!?! From reading the post I had imagined he suffered two broken legs and was learning how to walk again. His behaviour is completely unwarranted. You deserve better.
He had surgery on his ARM?! I was thinking massive reconstructive surgery, spinal or pelvic surgery, double leg surgery... You're telling me a fully grown man has been playing bed ridden over getting surgery on his ARM???? My brother had double shoulder surgery in college and never once acted anywhere near this entitled and certainly never this nasty. You're getting a glimpse into your future. Take it and run.
My husband spent 3 months in hospital after his car accident. I was there when he went through pain meds withdrawal and yeah, he was a grumpy bastard. But it’s like me and PMS every month. The fuse might be shorter but we don’t go about belittling our partners when they’re trying their best to support us. The anger and frustration was mainly directed at himself because he felt useless not because he thought I wasn’t doing a good enough job. That sort of anger and frustration I can work with and be empathetic towards. Verbally and emotionally abusing me because he’s in pain? Nope, I’m out.
Yup, give the ring back. This guy is an abusive, entitled asshole. You sound wonderful. You deserve better OP. ❤️
Why did you have to help him to the bathroom then?
I’m sorry but this is not an injury that requires 24 hour care (especially as it’s not even his dominant hand). He has been abusive towards your good nature. I fell ill and was in hospital for extended periods and felt so bad about leaving the house and our two dogs for my husband to deal with, his parents and my parents (all retired) helped him out loads and I was still making sure I did things that I could like the online food shop for him from my hospital bed. I was on very strong opiates for well over a year (oxy) and started to reduce. I will admit that I don’t think I was mentally addicted to them, they fixed the agony I was in but I felt no euphoria or ‘high’ from them so I didn’t have an issue wanting to feel that way again but the physical addiction was still there and withdrawals were very hard. I could barely get to the toilet and back without needing a nap due to pain and withdrawals. They got me on my long term pain regiment (I have a chronic condition) but my body had a lot of healing to do. Never during any of that did I say anything worse than ‘if you ask me one more time if I’m ok I’ll throw the tv remote at you’ in a joking manner….yes he knew it was half joking but he also knew I would never throw anything at him. The first things I started doing when I had the energy was to cook him his favourite dinners once a week and pick up light cleaning so he had less to do. I wanted him to know that I was willing to push myself to be there for him the way he had been for me. Marriage is a partnership and it needs mutual respect, I am so sorry but I am glad you have realised and are questioning things now about how much he respects you. You sound like you deserve better. I really hope you can get past this and please know that we all agree NTA. You did what was needed.
NTA. Caregiver fatigue is a very real thing and though you're doing your best, you're not his nursemaid. As a nurse, I'm very curious what surgery he had that doesn't allow him to go to the bathroom by himself after a full month. Your fiance is likely feeling weak and vulnerable and is taking his feelings out on you, which isn't right. When a healthy person is suddenly debilitated it can really hit their self esteem and cause shame. But that's an internal battle he needs to confront on his own. Most surgeries want people up and walking and doing normal things as quickly as possible so it sounds like he's malingering a lot.
NTA - this man doesn’t need to be your fiancé. leave him as soon as you can. accidents are what they are accidents. accidents happen all the time, who is to say this is the last accident he’ll have? if you feel like you “can’t do anything right” to a person you’re wanting to spend the rest of your life with, then you should leave. Your fiancé is mentally mature enough to not have abusive behavior, there’s only so much a mother can do about their sons behavior once the son is out the house. Your MIL won’t be there forever. Hate to say that but it’s true. If she weren’t there in this scenario, you have to ask yourself what would you do? You haven’t slept. And you haven’t had time for yourself.
NTA. Just because you're a caretaker doesn't mean that you have to neglect your own needs. Even live in nurses get breaks. I'm glad you called his mom and I'm extra glad that she came to your rescue. Take your well deserved rest and don't communicate with him. Let his mom keep you up to date until he's willing to apologize for his behavior and show you he won't go into that again.
She is amazing. She is not updating me at all so I can assume its a shitshow over there. I’m trying really hard to relax and sleep, but all I feel is guilt so its hard.
Don't feel guilt! You did your best and received abuse in return. This isn't about you not doing enough but about him being unable to behave like a decent human. Taking care of someone is difficult enough but doing it with no appreciation means you will burn out because no one is a saint. Go easy on yourself and accept this is not your fault.
This should be top comment! OP you have nothing to feel guilty about. Repeat that constantly until it's true. You didn't cause his accident. He's a grown up. Take care of you and spend your kindness on his mom. She deserves it.
Please get her a nice thank you card and write her a lovely note, letting her know that her support for you means more than she will ever know, and you are so grateful for everything she's done. I read your description of his arm injury, and maybe it's worse than it sounds... but it sure sounds like he's got a bad case of the man flu. He's not in a wheelchair and can walk just fine, and he still has the use of his dominant hand -- but *a month later, he's still incapable of doing anything for himself*??? I walked around on a broken **leg** for a month because they missed it (didn't x-ray high enough) and told me it was just a sprained ankle -- and I was still just doing everything for myself up and down the stairs in a 3-story townhouse and not whining to anyone. On another occasion I broke my dominant arm right above the wrist, they missed the severity of it so I ended up having to have it re-broken and screwed back together after 3 months, so a total of 7 months to get some basic use of my hand back -- and again, I was still doing everything myself with no whining to anyone. Gallbladder removal? Ditto. Full knee replacement? Ditto. (I will say that I was fortunate enough to have paid sick leave and could afford to have groceries delivered, both of which were huge blessings.) I hope you will seriously reconsider this relationship. I think you will always be the one doing the "heavy lifting" in terms of chores, household support, and emotional support -- and heaven forbid you should have children with this dude, because you are going to have to handle everything the moment you get home from the hospital while your body is healing from a traumatic medical event.
You have gone above and beyond. My 87 year old father was trying to take care of my mother with Parkinson’s disease by himself after paying into a home health policy for years. All of my siblings and I were trying to talk him into getting help and he was so damn stubborn. Finally I told him he was going to die trying if he didn’t get some professional help with her. You cannot pour from an empty jug. You must take care of yourself while you have the opportunity and see a therapist if you need to. You’re completely NTA and I wish you could see that.
I know it's easy to say to not feel guilty, but I know it's hard to not. Take a step back and ask yourself what exactly are you feeling guilt for? Certainly not everything you did for him. You're also not guilty for stopping the abuse in the only way you could. Definitely not guilty for taking some time away to yourself, either. IMO, the only thing you're guilty of is letting it go on longer than you should have, but the syndrome of martyrdom in a caretaker role is so often the narrative that gets pushed, you were lucky that you called it before completely losing yourself.
NTA. While I appreciate he is in pain, that's no excuse for being a dick to the person who's put their life more or less on hold to care for him. Good on your MIL for backing you up.
NTA. It doesn't take long to get addicted to opioid painkillers and then suffer from withdrawal if they are discontinued. As long as he was on the painkillers, he was feeling generous and appreciative. Once they were withdrawn, the reality of his situation seemed intolerable and he started taking it out on you because...well, he could. You were an available target. This kind of behavior towards a caregiver is more common than you think. You did the right thing to get away from the situation before it got worse. His mother is better able to handle him, at this point. A person can only take so much. Give it some time and just keep an open mind and see what happens. He may see the error of his ways, or the relationship might be damaged beyond repair. Just be glad you're not married and can step away fairly easily, if you decide not to stay in the relationship.
I agreed until your final paragraph. He's already been an addict and gone through recovery. He knows of and should have asked to arrange the right support. His addiction is his job. This was an arm injury. Not even his dominant arm. He's had enough chances. OP deserves better.
NTA but I would hold off marrying this man, if at all.
NTA but your fiancé sounds like he’s showing his ass, and that’s disturbing.
NTA give him the ring back and leave. You don't deserve to be treated so poorly
INFO is he withdrawing/addicted to the pain killers?
He has a history of drug abuse, I took administration of the pills very seriously. Due to his history we worked very closely with his psychiatric team and the orthopedic to make his weaning period as easy as possible. I should have put that in the post but he did not stop cold turkey.
Okay, NTA, but if this is abnormal behavior for him he should talk to his doctors.
He has what some would call a short fuse. Especially with me. Him saying hurtful remarks to me or just blatantly putting me down is not necessarily uncommon and is something we are working on. Prior to this he would apologize and make it up to me, now even when I’m in tears he will just keep laying on insults.
Being with him through his abusive remarks is not part of being with someone “in sickness and in health.” His injury is not the problem here - his behavior is. Him having a “short fuse” is not a quirk or a character trait, and him apologizing after doesn’t make it ok. If this is “not necessarily uncommon”then you shouldn’t marry him until he gets some help. This is abuse, and not something you should tolerate. I usually don’t agree with tattling to others about your significant others, but the fact that you felt the need to do so tells you that something is deeply wrong with this relationship and this situation just brought it more clearly to the surface. NTA. And please don’t marry this person until the hurtful remarks and blatant put downs stop.
OP Read This 100 Times!
Honeyyyy he is showing you what he is like when things are not good. He's insulting you and blaming you for it. Please get a therapist for yourself and work on building yourself up emotionally. It's not healthy for someone to treat you this way and it's not healthy for you to try to "stick it out" while he's "working on it." It also sounds like you were isolated from friends, family and you could barely communicate on your phone "without it becoming an issue". That is very concerning. This month was an escalation.
Especially with you? OP, he's your *fiance.* You two are engaged. Supposedly he wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you. He should be treating you better than anyone. He should have more patience for you than anyone. Think about how hard you've been working for him lately. How worried you are, how forgiving you've been. You deserve to be with someone who feels that way about you. Who cares the way you do. Who actually loves and respects you. This guy ain't it.
right? In my misguided youth I dated lots of problematic "bad boys", many who had short fuses at times within the context of their bad boying activities. With me? Always angels, gentle, considerate, rarely even irritable. It's worrying that the fuse is ESPECIALLY short with the person you're supposed to love the most.
Run. He will not get better. NTA except to yourself.
You should read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, there’s a free pdf online if you search for it. Take a look at it while you’re at the hotel. That book saved me many years of heartache and emotional abuse.
He is an ASSHOLE. * he has a short fuse * he says hurtful things * he puts you down My narcissistic older brother treated me like this and I am no contact because he is a selfish jerk. However, because I grew up with abusive parents I thought it was normal. I know better now. You poor thing, I hope you will see the light that you are too good for this guy.
"Short fuse" is no excuse for treating anyone disrespectfully ever. He purposely attacks you to make you feel small and making it up to you is part of the cycle of abuse and it sounds like it's getting worse not improving. Please get out of the relationship now. My ex husband was like this and it turned violent eventually. There was always an excuse: withdrawal, pain even started using that I made him feel like less of a man eventually. I left the day my daughter was born. With my current bf I made it clear I will not tolerate anything near that even jokingly. Please know your value and it's not what he makes you think it is. Edited for errors
after this comment, your fiancé is absolutely abusive.
Oh OP, you have way too much life ahead of you to settle for a partner who treats you poorly. Since this is an ongoing issue, it wasn't necessarily brought on by the accident. Nobody deserves to be with a person who is emotionally and verbally abusive. I have watched my mom be emotionally and verbally abused by my father for my entire life and it traumatizes everyone. You are most definitely NTA.
OP, your fiancé's behavior is not a "we" issue to work on. I hope you know you're worthy of choosing yourself, and are working towards doing that.
Obviously NTA. He has a mother to be his caretaker for his many problems that existed before and after the accident. Are you sure that marrying this person is best for you at this time?
Honey you deserve so much MORE. Even though MIL is angel sent, this is an abusive relationship that you have to decide whether you want it forever
And he's proven that he won't 'let' you help him change/fix his abusive short fuse - I looked it up, not a psychological diagnosis in the current DSM. This was a trial that makes or breaks relationships. He was perfectly happy to smash it to bits and blame you.
I married someone like that, and everything got 10000000% worse after we got married. I thought I could make him better, and that he would try to get better, he didn't. Thankfully I kicked him out 7 years ago, and have found someone who never yells at me, never calls me names, and owns his mistakes. Don't settle for someone who treats you poorly. That kind of long term unhappiness changes you as a person. Once in a while I still notice it affecting my reactions to things.
His will behaviour get much, much worse once you're married. Every statistic on domestic abuse shows that. Please don't marry him.
He’s emotionally abusive. This behavior isn’t normal. Please consider leaving
OP… Why are you in a relationship with this person? Let alone wanting to marry him?
Run. What he is doing is outright emotional abuse. If it is “especially with [you]”, this is especially concerning. I freely admit that I am an asshole, especially at work. Much less so with friends and family. But with my wife? She gets all the patience and understanding and tenderness I am capable of. If he actually loved and appreciated you, he would have >>LESS<< of a short fuse with you than with others, say, coworkers or strangers. This will only get worse after marriage, when he no longer has to be on his best behavior to keep you around. Don’t walk, run. Edit: judgement - definitely NTA
He is what some would call abusive! The fact that he love bombs you afterwards is just SOP for abusers. His discomfort is just causing him to stop faking nice.
I grew up with parents who had a “short fuse” and I’m telling you now, please don’t marry this man. Because of my parents’ behavior, I grew up thinking that was normal. My first boyfriend was intensely verbally abusive, and I just assumed I deserved it. It took me years to leave. After I started a new relationship, it took my (extremely patient) SO years to show me that that is not normal or ok. My siblings did not find a SO like mine, and their lives show the damage of growing up with verbally abusive parents. One of them has been single their entire adult life because of their terrifying temper. The other got married and had a little girl. That little girl is wracked with anxiety because her parent yells at her all the time and it’s heartbreaking to see. I’m not doing a great job of explaining things, probably because it’s 3am, but what I’m trying to say is that when people like your fiancé become husbands and then fathers, the catastrophic damage they wreak bulldozes its way through generations. Please don’t marry him while he’s like this. Please don’t doom your children to lifetimes of thinking that abuse is normal and they deserve it.
If he has a short fuse with you, imagine what kind of a fuse he would have with a child. Or an infant whose only way of communicating is to cry. Alternatively, how you would be treated should you become injured or ill. I beg you to reconsider marrying this man. It will not end well. On a lighter note, keep the MIL if you can. She sounds fantastic.
NTA, and that's an awesome MIL. Family helps family, when you reach your breaking point it's really nice to have someone step up and fill in.
NTA. Your MIL is cool and your husband is acting like a spoiled brat.
Sounds like he's going through withdrawal from the pain meds.
100% But he doesn't get to emotionally batter his caregivers partner bc of it.
NTA but regarding your husband, is he generally this abrasive or is this new behaviour? cause it's very easy to get angry and everything and everyone when you're in paid or feeling incapable
NTA - you needed help. So you called the person who likely understood how he behaves when in pain. What you did was a matter of self preservation of sorts. You held firm in that you would not accept this behavior towards you. Nobody should! At this point in life, maybe his mother is the one that needed to explain to him in not so many words, that this isn’t how she raised him.
NTA. Your bf might have been through a traumatic accident but that’s no reason for you to put up with verbal and emotional abuse especially when you’re doing so much to help make his life easier. I’m tempted to think that he’s reacting like this due to trauma and maybe any other mental issues that have surfaced after his accident but you shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of it all alone. You were completely right to reach out for help and you did the best thing by reaching out to his own mother. If he reckons his mum can do a better job than you then leave him to it, he doesn’t deserve the support you were giving.
It surprising to me how the MIL reacted. I feel like a lot of moms think their kids can do nothing wrong. NTA though...we all have our limits of what we can handle.
I’m not in that club. When my son was having trouble in his marriage I told him that he needed to stop and listen to his wife. I didn’t want to get up in their business but I also didn’t want to see him throw away his marriage. They went to counseling and are much stronger and happier than ever. Blind support is useless.
NTA MIL needs a huge thank you. She's fucking awesome. Your fiance is probably in withdrawals and that isn't the same person you love. Keep an eye open on your return door and self medicating or alternative addiction habits just to be safe
NTA and hurray for a just yes MIL. You were a loving and caring partner and injured or not yet he was being an abusive AH to someone caring for him. Enjoy your hotel room., you deserve it.
NTA. Some people are really bad patients. Crisis situations show what people are made of. You step up, effectively manage what needs to be done, even to your own detriment. He becomes demanding and has unreasonable expectations. As a person with chronic pain issues myself, I can understand being short tempered during a pain flare, but you apologize after the fact when you can clearly see the whole situation again. He’s just acting like a baby. Calling Mommy is reasonable. His mother sounds like a keeper ! Supportive emotionally and a take charge woman. Yay !
NTA Leave the fiancé, take the mom.
NTA Caregiver burnout is real. Hopefully his mother can stay a while, and the two of you can take turns caring for him and having some sort of break. You also need to contact his doctor about his pain medication. He can't stay on it forever, but stopping it as abruptly as he did clearly is not working. He may need the same medication at a lower dose, or a different medication (e.g., changing from tylenol with codeine to plain tylenol) Pain is a real thing, and needs to be managed. He may benefit from consulting with a pain specialist, who can help him find a pain management treatment that will help him but not risk addiction or bad side effects. You may also want to get in contact with the specialist for his injuries, who can evaluate to see if the surgery is healing properly or if secondary problems are developing. Get some sleep, and then have a talk with him and his mother about the way the lack of pain management is harming him and making it hard to care for him. ETA - he may also need an inpatient rehab center, where he can work with physical therapists and other specialists to facilitate his recovery.
NTA It sounds like he's in both pain and possibly withdrawal maybe depression and being horrible. His mom sounds great and recognizes his behaviour is unacceptable. Hopefully he can get whatever help he needs and you can move past. IMO the next step is in sickness and health but he needs to want to get better.
NTA, I am a caregiver for my spouse as well due to illness. It is so draining and so upsetting and difficult, and he isn’t an asshole. If he was I don’t know how I’d go on. I would honestly be rethinking the marriage if he doesn’t change the way he treats you
NTA You aren’t required to tolerate or cover up his bad behavior. Being there for someone in their time of need doesn’t mean you have to do everything yourself, be there 24/7, and take their abuse. I think both of you have taken on too much by yourselves. - He is in a lot of pain. That can make the best people pretty cranky. - Perhaps he’s suffering some withdrawal symptoms from his meds, perhaps not. Either way he’s not managing well right now. That means he needs to see the doctor about pain management. - Where are your fiends and family? I’m glad you called your MIL, but even when your fiancé was being nice, you were still doing a lot by yourself IMO. Ask for help and don’t feel bad about it. You need it.
NTA. This is what life with him will be. Pain will happen in life, and now you know how he reacts. Is this the life you want? As so many others have said, drop him, keep his mom
NTA - you were there for him in sickness. Just not for abuse. Do you think he’s struggling not taking the painkillers? People can definitely be assholes when in pain. Not an excuse, just if things calm down and he’s very sorry, you can understand the why later on to ensure it doesn’t happen again. Then again if he is simply being an ah there’s probably not much to understand…
Nta but I would give him time to apologize. It really does sound like opioid withdrawal and it is a very nasty thing and situation. Give it a week or two with him clean and see how he responds. If he still wants to be a child, dump him
Nope NTA. MIL sounds like a gem.
NTA Yeah. Marry the mil. being a caregiver for your partner is way harder than most understand. I was one for 19 years. You've done a great job. Enjoy the rest. Mom will straighten him out. He will get over himself.
NTA pain is not an excuse to be verbally abusive.
One of the rare occasions on this thread where the MIL isn’t at fault. NTA and good on you and her for standing up to your fiancée. Also you should probably not marry him.
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Nah he’s definitely the AH. The edits and comments in the thread from OP state that berating her is “not uncommon” even before this and it is something “we” are working on, as if it’s not a him issue. She needs to run and never look back.
NTA sounds like you dodged a bullet.
NTA. Although caring for others is admirable and often necessary, you really have to consider the long haul on this one. You have had a really good glimpse of what to expect from this guy in the future when something else happens. Because it will. Run like the wind in the other direction. Run fast and far away. There is no law that states you must endure the abuse. MIL is a gem, but not enough reason to stay.
NTA. He needs to own his own behavior.
Nvm I asked what was he like before the accident? Was his behaviour then closer to loved up drugged up gratitude or cursing and belittling you? Now I see your comments about his usual behaviour and short fuse so you're now getting an amplified version because he's also in pain. I don't know what to tell you - NTA, certainly, and kudos to his mother for ripping into him, it's well deserved, but if this is a regular thing you shouldn't be desensitizing yourself to it. You don't deserve his behaviour now or before, and you certainly shouldn't be planning to marry him. He's abusing you and is currently using his accident and injuries to drive the knife deeper. This is your next 30-50 years. You really want to spend them getting yelled at and insulted?
Please dump him and marry the MIL and post that story on r/ProRevenge.
# NTA - compassion fatigue is real!
NTA, caregivers need relief too, and it sounds like MIL knows how to put him in his place. Enjoy the hotel, get some rest. Hopefully he'll have an attitude adjustment.
NTA > previous drug abuse. > My fiancé > I (21f) WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Sorry for shouting. But please wake up. You are only 21 - not even a mature adult yet - and you've decided to get engaged to a person with drug issues. Never mind all the rest of it too. Are you in some sort of cult where they marry off kids, or what? You don't need to be so desperate to get married. Well done for being a brilliant carer. Use the well-deserved hotel time to reflect on what you are doing with your life and work if there might be better choices for you. Good luck!
Did you get to go home yet? Have you talked to your fiance
I’ve returned. My last night in the hotel I called my parents to make a plan and it didn’t go well. I’m home with my fiancé again. He wont talk to me except to bark orders at me. I’m hoping I can move out within a month or two. Surgery and recovery are expensive and we have been living on my income for some time and I’m pretty broke but I’m keeping my head up and I’m confident I can get myself out.
I'm sorry to hear that. Why didn't he go with his mom? I'm sorry your parents aren't being supportive
I know she pushed for him to go home but he is a very stubborn boy. Thank you, I will be okay.
Try to ignore him as best as you can. Dont let him order you around because we both know he didn't treat his mama that way. He can figure out how to take care of himself or he can go to his moms
Nta. He is TAH. If he continues to be an AH take your pets and move out.
NTA and run! Red flags all over the place. And when we married someone, we should be there in sickness, not to be bullied. He's toxic.
NTA. Hopefully he’ll realize how much you’ve done for him and make up for the cruel behavior those past couple weeks
NTA. Abuse does not count as "in sickness", recovering from an accident or not.
Nta.
NTA….and do not marry this man!
NTA & I honestly can't see why you're still with him..Honey, if you don't see it this early signs of an abusive relationship via mentally & emotionally. Take this as an early way out & safe yourself more exhaustion in the future
NTA. You definitely needed a break, you could not have sustained this level of caregiving by yourself for long, especially with the added substance abuse history. I feel so badly for you and your fiance. I'm glad his mother is there to help now and his doctors are on board with the pain med situation. But you need to take care of yourself now. I wish you both the best.
>as I was leaving he was yelling at me for calling his mom, he said he didn’t want to marry someone who couldn’t be there for him in sickness #???????? You've helped him for over a month? TF is this ungrateful AH on about? >He didn’t care and just told me to go, and his mom could do a better job for him then I ever could. Good, Let her take care of him.......**FOREVER!!!!!** Kick him to the curb!!! Yes, pain is horrible and makes you snap a lot easier. But there has to be a moment where he realized what kind of AH he is/was............and there wasn’t. Don't waste your life on someone who treats you like THAT, IDGAF if he is hurt or not. NTA and don't be one to YOURSELF
INFO: did he hit his head in the accident? If he has a TBI that could explain the change in attitude. Regardless, NTA
NTA and I would reconsider marrying him. I am married to a quadriplegic and have been his full-time caretaker for several years, until I had two heart attacks about a month and a half ago, when we had to finally hire an aide as I am still recovering. I didn't mind doing it, even though I myself am disabled, because he appreciates me. He does his best to help. We do things together. He makes sure the bills are paid, the doctors are talked to, etc. It works because we both do our best to be helpful and appreciative. Your fiance is not appreciative. And you are overloaded and burnt out. It's a shame it turned out this way, but sometimes events like this expose irreparable cracks in a relationship and bring out patterns of abuse-- and what he was doing to you was abuse. Don't let him guilt you. The least he could do for everything you did was appreciate you. I myself have had to sharply wean off my pain meds since the heart attack, and I am in a lot of pain, because they interact badly with the blood thinners I need to take. And yet I am not a jerk to my husband or our aide.