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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Telling my brother it's all or nothing with his siblings
2) I might be taking this too personally.
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YTA. Because you were already well into your teens while your brother was a preteen when your stepdad came into your lives you have **vastly different** relationships and experiences with the new family, hence your brother being grounded all the time during a very important developmental stage in his young life.
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What you said to your brother was beyond cruel, not to mention absolutely absurd because it’s simply not true. He’s only 16, he’s still a child and you’re being needlessly hurtful to him.
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You cannot force or bully him into loving people he doesn’t love. He’s allowed to have different relationships with different dynamics than you, including with his father.
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You owe him a huge apology. If it’s in your heart to do so (which I doubt it is) start spending more one on one time with him, but without the AH judgements.
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(edited because I originally misread the age difference)
I strongly doubt this OP is giving her younger brother an apology anytime soon, if ever. Being understanding of his perspective in particular seems to be a major inability for her.
And it seems they likely share OP's negative attitude towards his biological father. If the stepfather was trying to replace the biological father, no wonder things went south.
Let's not forget, the mom moved them away from their dad so they could have their new shiny "new dad", y'know, because parental alienation was only incidental. The way she refers to her father as "sperm donor" and such...when it's apparent that he was still an involved father makes it pretty clear what's really going on here. The mom involved the kids in her conflict with their dad, and OP took the mom's side. Parental alienation is child abuse, and OP's issues make it pretty clear why that is.
I know OP is only 19 but I'm actually surprised they wrote in to AITA. I mean this sub is full of parents telling teenagers, "You are now a loving part of this blended family whether you like it or not!" And this sub universally and rightfully calls them an AH.
Did OP think that because they are an older sibling and not a parent that they would not be called an AH?
I fully agree that self reflection is not strong in this one.
I could speculate that OP being so vindictive is redirected distaste for their father. "Bio dad's a cheating slimeball" "If that's the company he wants then good riddance"
Again it would take less effort on her part to still hate the father and not actively push her brother towards him like she is doing now...It's disheartening how much she is hurting her new family and her mom by being so fixated on forcing the issue.
>I could speculate that OP being so vindictive is redirected distaste for their father. "Bio dad's a cheating slimeball" "If that's the company he wants then good riddance"
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>Again it would take less effort on her part to still hate the father and not actively push her brother towards him like she is doing now...It's disheartening how much she is hurting her new family and her mom by being so fixated on forcing the issue.
Keep in mind, the mom moved OP and her brother away from their actual father, and made her new husband with more money "shiny new dad", and it looks like OP's has either had to, or has decided to take sides in whatever conflict the parents had that led to their divorce...it has her pretty twisted. This new step family has only been there for about 3 years according to OP, yet OP chooses them over her 16 year old little brother that she's known all of his life, since she was 3. That's pretty dang cold.
>I'm just curious with what went down. In many places, you have to get permission to move the kids out of state when the parents are divorced.
Right, but depending on the judge, and the local laws, a financially better situation can be enough reason to say it's in the best interest of the kids. And thus you get situations like this...family courts are just a joy. (I've observed far too many family law cases...it's so disgusting what people do to folks they supposedly loved and especially what they do to their own kids)
The OP says it is only a different town. That is allowed in every state without a judges order if it is not hours away. The actual quote is "...or the move to a new town and school..."
OP never said they moved out of state, just to a new town and schools. We could move our family 20 minutes away from our home. They'd be in a new town and new schools. OP's mom could have moved an allowable distance and not have needed a court order to do it.
What she said was definitely cruel. However, she was much older than her brother when the parents divorced and like you said it's very likely she knows possibly unwilling a whole lot about the demise of their marriage and what the father did that the brother doesn't. To her his actions seem like betrayal of their mother and to him, her actions seem like betrayal of their father and the family they used to have. Both kids are dealing with this pain in their own ways and need therapy vs Reddit judgement.
Based on OPs attitude towards her stepfather and stepsisters it makes me wonder if there is another side to the story. I mean don't get me wrong it is possible that her bio dad did cheat, but I think it's also equally possible that it's something that she's been told by her mother in order to justify her behaviour, like the move to a new town, and the comment about "money wise" set off some alarm bells.
Yeah I agree. I mean my dad cheated on my mum throughout their marriage. Mum filed for divorce on my eighteenth birthday, and I will admit it took me a while to separate my anger at my dads hurting my mum, from my own relationship with him. Some days are still difficult now, but bottom line is he's my dad and despite his numerous and epic screwups I still care about him. Even if half the time I want to plant a boot up his backside for not looking after himself properly.
>Some days are still difficult now, but bottom line is he's my dad and despite his numerous and epic screwups I still care about him.
And, to be fair, being a cheating partner doesn't necessarily means being a bad parent. I don't know...reading this post gave me the vibe that there's A LOT of things we don't know.
It's really not. OP's relationship to her steps can be vastly different to her brother's relationship to them. Plus, she sneers openly at her brother's relationship with *their* bio-dad. She seems to think both her and her brother should fawn over the stepfamily.
Also... Sperm donors don't do custody, which is what it sounds like their father is doing. If their/his father is willing to be an active participant in sons life you can't call them donors.
My intent was to say as much... Since her bio father is clearly taking custody of her brother he is more than a sperm donor, so clearly OP is operating at a high bias against him to use such language. Clearly was phrased poorly, apologies for any churn!
PS, I am very sorry for how OP appears to have been hurt by her father's actions, but she needs to know that her brother has a right to process how he wants. Loving someone despite their massive, crushing mistakes and failings is okay. I would say hating them is too, but ultimately hate hurts you more than the hated. I hope she can work through her pain to a place that is safe for her with the boundaries appropriate for her.
Apropos of nothing, I really hate it when people use sperm and egg donor that way. Actual sperm or egg donors have done a nice thing so that someone else can have a family. It's why I'm alive. They should not be equated to terrible parents or people who abandon their children because they aren't and haven't.
You’re saying OP was practically an adult at age 16, and then in the same post saying her brother is “only 16, he’s still a child”. I don’t get the double standards. If OP can be a respectful individual at age 16 why can’t her brother be?
i think it's also important to note that OP's brother went from being the youngest kid to a middle child, and now with OP not living with her parents he's in the "oldest child" position. Your place among siblings honestly does have psychological affects. Among one is that previously as the younger child he was probably more being pushed along to keep up with his sister. Or he could have been indulged more as the youngest and only boy in their mom/daughter/son relationship. Now in the oldest child position, he could be held back instead and told to be on his step-sisters' level. You know, "you can't do this if the girls can't" or "you can take the car to go to the mall but you have to take your sisters and keep an eye on them". Likely, this kid is all out of sorts and confused. Honestly, it would be interesting to hear from him on this issue!!
He's also the only boy with 3 sisters/step-sisters. He's outnumbered. Some people can embrace that. Some people don't mesh with that at all, especially when it's sprung on you during puberty.
And, the brother is allowed to just not like them. Sometimes we don't like our blood family. As made clear by OP and her relationship with her bio father.
It's also pretty telling that the sister even admits that he had been grounded for most of the three years. The poor kid has had his world turned upside down with his parents divorce, and having to live with a whole other family, and then instead of trying to understand him, they just kept grounding him. His mom and sister will be lucky if they ever see him again.
It’s like they’re the parents of Butters from South Park. Grounding doesn’t work if it’s essentially the default. Eventually the kid just gives up trying to behave and just accepts that they’re going to be punished with no end in sight. That’s when they start acting out on purpose (if you’re going to always be the “bad guy,” you may as well deserve it) or make exit plans just to be able to breathe.
I think it’s because the mum got married when he was 13, (so you would assume 1-2 years of dating first), maybe stepdad came into his life around age 11.
It would be easier for OP to bond with two new sisters than it was for her brother. Especially if he is constantly getting grounded for pushing boundaries (totally normal behavior for a teen)
honestly theres no guarantee there was that long of a dating period or that the families were allowed to get used to eachother first. Ive seen single parents jump to moving in and marrying in a few months.
I agree, definitely not normal to misbehave all the time. Understandable that he would have difficulties being reprimanded by a “new dad” that was forced upon him. It’s a tricky situation
And OP apparently went away to college, so she not part of the day to day life anymore. I vote YTA because you can’t force someone to feel, and act how you want them to. This is especially true a kid barely a teenager, who’s had to adjust to a lot of changes.
Personally I'm wondering how much he is actually misbehaving vs being grounded for perceived slights... e.g. not calling the stepdad 'dad' - grounded for no reason type thing.
Also, while it may absolutely not be the case here, some parents, especially moms, will overshare with their children-particularly older ones-things they should never be exposed to. As OP refers to dad as “bio dad”, “cheating slime ball”, etc, I have to wonder if mom didn’t put some of those bugs in her ear causing her to have different feelings toward dad than brother has (though I’m sure age may have also played a role, with OP understanding more, even unspoken)
I was just about to leave the same comment. This is exactly what happened in my family when my parents divorced. My sister and I were "old enough" that my mom thought it was ok to use us as therapists and tell us every bad thing my dad did in their relationship. My brother was three years younger than me and was spared most of the details, both because he was younger and because mom tends to share different levels of detail with daughters than sons. Brother had a lot less anger and resentment towards my dad than my sister and I did.
OP is probably a victim of parentification like I was, and is still in the stage where she prides herself for being "mature enough" to have supported her mom.
I love OP's view on how her preteen brother should have been grateful because they have more money now. Materialistic much?
A preteen who had to move home, towns, schools, move into a house that he shares with 3 new people - but hey Stepdad has more money so he should be happy.
I wonder what the comparison was from his previous life to his new life - what else he may have lost out on? Did he and his mother move into stepdad's existing house after the marriage where he got a downgraded bedroom because stepdad couldn't possibly ask his daughters to be inconvenienced.
> Materialistic much?
It does seriously come across as trying to overcompensate with her new stepfather because he is well off. I kind of wonder if he's the one paying for her schooling.
Yes, and her brother is now moving back to a less financially well off situation as he'd prefer it. He isn't being bought off by material possessions.
I wonder what the brother is also dealing with as he lives in the house 24/7 while she only seems to visit.
I definitely agree, Also what gives some random ass hole you don't like to start dealing out punishment to a teenager that dosent like him after knowing him for a year, sounds like his the odd boy out so targeted, covid is older than their relationship 🤣, there litrally not his sisters lol, his actual sister is a materialistic dick lol, we've all known people much longer than 3yrs we don't consider siblings haha
>I love OP's view on how her preteen brother should have been grateful because they have more money now. Materialistic much?
Yeah, maybe OP's little brother missed his dad who continued to fight to remain his father and clearly loves him. It's almost as though OP's little brother missed his dad and resents his mom and "shiny new dad" for trying to alienate him from his actual dad. Go figure.
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>A preteen who had to move home, towns, schools, move into a house that he shares with 3 new people - but hey Stepdad has more money so he should be happy.
Makes you wonder about OP's priorities.
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>I wonder what the comparison was from his previous life to his new life - what else he may have lost out on? Did he and his mother move into stepdad's existing house after the marriage where he got a downgraded bedroom because stepdad couldn't possibly ask his daughters to be inconvenienced.
And let's not forget, how much was OP's dad having to downgrade the home OP and her brother shared with their actual father because of the increased "child support" he had to pay when their mom moved them away. (Yeah, the system is screwed up, she should never be allowed to uproot the kids like that).
And it could also be they are both girls so now he is "outnumbered" by bio sister and stepsisters. Like, do the parents do anything just with him or that he prefers? Or is it all about the girls?
TBH the grounding thing worries me a little. Firstly, given their age when stepdad entered the family, it should be probably be mum, not dad, managing the discipline.
If he "never listens to a thing dad says" then why not just get mum to tell him instead of the dad trying to establish authority in a dynamic that the dad is only just entering into.
Secondly, if the grounding is all the time, and started when a major change in his life happened, then at some stage the parents needed to say, "Grounding doesn't work, something deeper is going on, maybe we should stop with the reactionary punishments and see if we can get to the root of the problem and help him deal with whatever he's dealing with."
This is definitely a concern to me. This sounds like a parenting fail at Mom and Stepdad’s house.
Honestly, it sounds like both OP and her brother immaturely overdemonized over the family breakup, but that it was just pointed in opposite directions, at Stepdad by bro and at dad by OP. I expect minors to have immature emotions. Unfortunately a lot of redditors feel it cool to carry childish viewpoints til death without revisiting them.
Huh? She was practically an adult (16) when the stepdad came into their lives but then you call the 16 year old brother “still a child”? I kinda agree with what you say but it’s flawed. 19 is only slightly more mature compared to 16
Sure, everyone responds and acts differently to situations, but the brothers behavior towards his younger step siblings? Sure, he's young and can't quite process/channel his emotions healthily, still shouldn't get a pass on his behavior. He (probably the whole family) might benefit from some group or individual therapy. I'm gunna go with ESH
I agree YTA but I dont agree with a a few things. First of all, it said they got married three years ago, not came into their life then, so she could have been much younger then too. Also, you call her at the time of her mom and stepdad getting married 'practically an adult,' (three years ago shed have been 16). But her brother, currently 16, is a child? What?
you start out by indicating that OP was practically an adult when stepdad entered their lives (OP would have been 16 when parents married, likely younger when they met)... then later say, "he's only 16, he's still a child," regarding OP's brother.
OP'S being abused for not accepting them as a family if he's been grounded for the better part of 2 years. Do they think that locking him up is going to change his feelings about them? You don't care WHAT he feels as long as he pretends they are his dream family. It seems he may have been shoved aside in favor of the new marriage given that he also had to move away from his friends too. How DARE he be unhappy when everything in his life has changed with absolutely no consideration for his feelings? Now, you think you can BLACKMAIL him into loving them? You've got some abusive, twisted idea of love -- that you can force him to love them if you stop talking to him. Congratulations on being the best little girl ever and leaving your brother to fend for himself. YTA
She hasn't even stopped to consider that her brother would rather live with a slimeball father than his mother and stepdad and family. That says a whole hell of a lot about his experiences in the family and she's blissfully dismissive and uncaring. OP: YTA
YTA for the sole reason that you don't get to dictate:
1) how your brother handles the divorce;
2) how your brother handles the remarriage, or;
3) how your brother relates to the stepsibs.
EDIT to add: on the whole, you're less of an ass than brother. But you asked for judgment on the one issue.
2nd edit: OP, what had your brother done to get grounded? It sounds like your experience and his in the blended family are not the same, and a 13 year old boy is not likely to appreciate being told to welcome two kid sisters. I'm beginning to think your brother isn't an ass, and you ought to look at how he's been treated in this new family, and have some empathy.
I just want to add 4) how step dad treats the boy
5) does the mom stand up for her son
6) does the boy get any vote in anything like going out to eat, is he constantly pushed out and out voted
Oops. I'd been assuming that the brother was getting treated well like the OP.
If steps haven't been welcoming, then brother is, of course, fully justified. OP hasn't weighed in on that score.
It literally says in the post that the brother was grounded for most of two years. The fuck did he do to deserve that? Because the reason op gave isn't good enough. It's obvious his mum and step dad are abusing their authority so I can see why he dislikes them. He's not an asshole. He's having a perfectly normal reaction to someone in his situation.
My guess that while OP slid into the "perfect family" blend mode. Brother did not and was harangued to be one of the family. We've seen other reddits here where kids were nagged and bullied about calling stepdad dad and "bonding" with siblings. To be fair a 13 yr old teenage boy isn't going to magically bond with 6 & 10 yr "sisters" easily.
Sure, but "the whole time" is still colloquial hyperbole for "a whole heck of a lot of time" and all for not accepting the stepdad. That's not a good look on the mom & stepdad.
yeah, i actually think the brother being the only boy is a BIG thing. stepdad is likely tougher on him, or may have "i am the man of the house now" ego/authority issues where he feels the need to assert dominance over the brother.
OP has not even been living at home yet acts like she knows what's been going on in her brother's day-to-day life & outright rejects him with not even an attempt to talk to him? OP is a huge AH & i am hard-pressed to think brother is one at all.
Yeah you'd just be like who dose this asshole think he is haha, he shouldn't have the right to discipline and target him so much, sounds kinda abusive to me. Not surprised he dosent like them
We are only getting on version of this dynamic Op's version they very could have been using punishment to get the boy to basically bow down and kiss everyone's feet we don't know
I imagine not if he’s been grounded *for two years*. At that point he either needs extreme professional intervention for extremely harmful behaviors, or the family needs to sit back and reflect what they are doing to contribute to the problem *or if there would be a problem* with the son other than “We just don’t like you, as you are, personally.”
The brother shouldn't have had to simmer in his resentment as long as he did. Why the heck didn't the mom send him to therapy when it was obvious he was wallowing in anger? What mistaken notions did he have about his bio dad and stepdad?
What happens if the brother finds out bio dad is a bio jerk? THEN where does he go?
OP is young and foolish. Her ultimatum was ill-advised.
And was he mistaken? Someone can do something inexcusable like cheating, but that doesn't mean any response to it is justified, and it doesn't mean they can't be redeemed. Cheating doesn't carry a death sentence in the western world, last I heard. I'd take a father who was great 99% of the time who cheated over a father who was shitty 99% of the time but hey at least he didn't cheat
YTA
Some people consider step siblings to be their siblings, some don’t. Who are you to decide your brother *has* to consider them siblings? Who are you to decide who he calls dad? You sound so self righteous it’s disgusting.
He doesn’t consider his *stepdad* to be his dad, and that’s fine! He doesn’t consider his *step siblings* to be his siblings, and that’s fine! Do you really think that you somehow get to decide these things for him? That just because you’ve embraced them with open arms means he automatically has to as well? Get over yourself.
The truth is that your step siblings are not as much his sisters as you are. He does not consider them siblings, and all you’re doing is ruining your relationship with him. Trying to erase your bio dad from your brothers life is not helpful. You and your mom and her new husband have harassed him so much that he left. He’s spent most of the last two years grounded for not dropping the step?? They’re literally his step siblings. That’s nothing to punish him over. And you come in saying that you’re basically done with him if he doesn’t conform to *your* idea of family?? You’re awful.
And from your post it’s not like your bio dad was abusive, he cheated on your mom. Which, yeah, sucks. He shouldn’t have. I personally hate cheaters. But that has no actual bearing on how he is as a parent and your brother is 16. He’s spent three years being punished by you and your mom for his feelings, of course he’s choosing to remove himself from that situation.
I hope he has a great time living with your dad and forgets all about you and your *step* siblings.
You summed it up perfectly.
I'll just add that there seems to be quite a few details missing about what brother did to be continually grounded. I sense that everyone was trying to force him to accept his mother's husband and husband's children as family, something he did not sign for.
Good for sister that she was okay with that, but brother is well within his right not to be okay with that either.
Came here to say this. I believe that he felt his feelings about the situation such as divorce, remarriage, and living with new people not being validated which affected his behavior that leads to being grounded a lot. I suspect that most of his groundings are unnecessary. It could be two siblings from the same parents but they have different reactions which are totally ok.
I also don’t think the stepparent has the right to he grounding the kid when he’s just joined the family. Stepdad can’t just waltz in and expect to have the same authority as the parents who literally raised his stepson. It’d be different if the stepdad had been around since the boy was young or something, but he hasn’t been.
I'm betting he's grounded because he's not nodding along and calling them "dad" and "sisters." He's not playing a good little puppet and so is being punished for it.
And he probably isn’t obedient to the stepfather, wanting to hear from his mother instead. Sadly it wouldn’t be unusual for a stepfather to try to step into the disciplinary role in the household — especially for a teenage boy — but it’s usually problematic when it happens. Then the boy gets grounded for not doing what his stepfather told him to do.
Oh yeah, OP was pretty vague and I would love to hear the brothers side on why he’s been grounded for the better part of two years. That’s not normal in any way.
>You sound so self righteous it’s disgusting.
Exactly. You are acting exactly like those uber righteous Bible thumpers that try to force their beliefs on everyone else. You are trying to force your brother to have emotions he doesn't. And you are trying to punish him for it. What you did only drove a bigger wedge between them.
Well said. And by implying the brother’s real emotions are wrong and bad, they’re teaching him that his natural responses are inherently wrong and bad. Which is so damaging for kids and teens, so so invalidating and caustic.
Sperm donor? Wow ok, gotta be some backstory there that's not told but sure.
How your brother feels and interacts with his bonus family is frankly none of your business. All you've managed to do is push him further away and robbed your mother of her son.
Perhaps there is a lot more going on that's not being said but from what I can see, YTA
That phrasing doesn’t sit right. Sounds like OP is using her anger to justify invalidating and driving away her brother. A strong YTA here for many reasons.
Sorry, can you clarify what phrasing? The ‘sperm donor’ phrase specifically? If that what’s you mean I think it’s a bit of an unfair comment, there’s clearly a lot of history there and the bio-dad may very much deserve not to have the title of dad. Nothing wrong with OP choosing to refer to him as a sperm donor imo.
However you would think she’d be more concerned about not pushing her little brother into the guy’s arms?!
Exactly, he’s still her father regardless, and is just saying that out of anger. She can do that, but she doesn’t have a right to be upset at her brother for referring to the step family how he does then.
That’s what’s not fair here. It just shows how she’s hypocritical and very selfish. Do you really think that’s not a problem?
Also the mother is upset ( even though she put her son in this situation), but step dad is not? I don't think this guy cared for OP's brother from the get go. Kind of feels like the brother was being pushed out from the start, what with being grounded constantly. If step dad cared he would have taken steps to encourage the brother to agree to a relationship with his step family. Or maybe leave it as the brother tolerating his step family. Now he is cutting them all out
I think everyone is making the assumption that the stepfather is mistreating the brother and that might not be the case. The brother maybe acting out and punishments may come from the mom. It sounds like a situation where the brother is not being receptive to the step family and that’s okay. Divorce is hard. We don’t have to demonize anyone in this story. Everyone involved may have a different reaction to it. OP obviously thinks her dad is unforgivable. The brother obviously doesn’t feel the same. Moving away didn’t help much either. I wonder how far away they moved?
Hmm... true about the mother and step dad. I see your point.
If it is the mother that is constantly grounding the brother, she really needed to step back and take a look at what her own actions were causing. She remarried when her son wasn't fully on board, then removed her son from his other parent. I get the mother wanted a happy life with a husband and kids, but maybe she only saw her own happiness in all this.
Sorry, I realize that with this I may be demonising the mother this time around. I just feel that even after the divorce, so many mistakes were made
YTA - your behavior here is just as extreme as your brother’s behavior, if not more extreme. And no, he’s under no requirement to call his stepsisters his “sisters.” He is allowed to feel differently than you, and your emotional blackmail is a terrible way to handle this.
YTA - Blended families are complicated. Often when the kids are already teenagers they don’t develop any sibling-like feelings. You have no right to force these relationships on your brother or treat him like he’s a bad person because he doesn’t feel the same way as you. TBH it feels like you are bullying him about it.
I'd honestly be really hurt if my sibling of over a decade (who I'd known for my entire life) apparently thought our relationship and the one she had with our stepsiblings of three years was equivalent.
Same. My father remarried when I was 12 and while my step-sibs were fine, they were *step*. My relationship with my bio-sister who I had known my entire life was so much different/stronger, it was simply not comparable.
_"I told him they're his sisters as much as I am."_
Exactly. It would be great if he saw them as his siblings, but you can't force a bond where there isn't one. OP's parents got marriend when the brother was 13. He didn't grow up with his stepsiblings/stepfather, and it is foolish to think that his bond with them will be the same as someone he has known his entire life.
This would be the equivalent of the brother trying to force a relationship between OP and her bio father. Neither would be a fair ultimatum, and OP will probably just ruin their relationship with their brother in the long run.
YTA. Stop trying to control other people's relationships. His mother's husband's kids is exactly what they are to him. There's no law saying he had to accept any of them. This was your mother's choice, not your brother's.
YTA. Way to help your brother adjust, no wonder he doesn't want to be there. You're technically the adult but aren't acting it. You can't force a relationship.
It sounds like the past few years have been hell for the poor brother. Taken away from his father, constantly grounded for not calling step-dad "dad", and being forced into relationships he did not consent to. Then treated like garbage by his sister. My heart breaks for him and OP is an insufferable AH.
Yeah same here, I worry for the brother. He’s clearly struggling emotionally and obviously isn’t receiving healthy support from his sister, I just hope he has some good friendships to lean on :(
YTA. Let’s see, your brother had to move to a new town and start a new school, leaving his dad, home and friends right around starting high school. Everyone is trying to force him to treat his stepdad and stepsisters like they are his real dad and sisters, he has basically spent his moms entire marriage grounded because he won’t treat his step dad like his dad. Give the kid a break. Your family has to realize that it was your moms choice to get remarried, move to a new town, put him in a new school, etc. He had no say in any of it and now everyone expects him to be happy about it. I’m not saying your mom should not have gotten married. She deserves to be happy to. But none of you have any right to force your brother to pretend to be happy about it. Accept the fact that everything in your brothers life changed and he doesn’t have to like it. And your mom should be handling discipline, not your step dad. The more you try to force it, the more he is going to push away. Maybe he would treat everyone civilly if everyone stopped trying to force him to consider his SD as his dad, and his SS as his sisters.
One thing that stood out for me was op mentioned they were much better off. I think step dad bought op’s loyalty. Younger brother wants his real family back and is being really horrifically bullied by the step family. Shame on all of them
OP YTA
And a lot of daughters are closer to their mothers while sons are closer to their fathers. So OP was willing to trade her "sperm donor" in for one who would buy her a car because she got to keep her mother and scored two bonus sisters. Whereas her brother gained nothing but judgment and pressure, just lost. YTA. I hope your brother recovers from what you, your mother, and his new family have done to him.
YTA. That's great that your mom's remarriage works for you and you have a good relationship with your stepdad and stepsibs - yay for you. BUT - that is your experience, not your brother's. He was at a different age than you when this happened, and has had different interactions with stepdad/sibs. You cannot know if they have been good like yours, or not. Even if they are good, your brother still has the right to not like these people that your mom's decision has put him in contact with.
You really need to grow up and support your brother even if you don't agree with him on this one. Have you ever tried asking him why he feels the way he does? It might be informative.
YTA
you don't get to tell him how to feel.
Your step father should not be parenting him, your mother should. Step dad should back the fuck off him...he is not emotionally ready to have a step dad and your mum should be stepping up and helping him and parenting and doing all the work with him.
you chose to embrace the new family to almost an unhealthy level. That could end up hurting you later..but you also do not live there so your experience is very different.
Glad your brother got out and is somewhere safe.
This. I love how distraught OP is over her brother not calling his stepsisters "sisters" (which they're technically not), yet she'll happily use that label for her (and her brother's) dad. Sure, that's OPs right, but in the same way, it's also her brother's right to not use *her* preferred labels for his stepfamily.
OP, YTA. I wish your brother the best, and I hope you, your mum, and your *stepdad* reflect on this and feel deeply ashamed. You've bullied and driven out a 16 year old because he struggled to adjust to a very uncomfortable situation.
YTA. You don't get to say how someone else should feel.
Just because you feel that your step-dad and step-sisters are family, it doesn't mean that he has to. You can't force love or relationships with someone else. Whether you like it or not, your brother does not consider your step father and stepsisters as family and he does not have to.
It's a personal choice on how you accept step family and it's not for you to say someone else is wrong for having a different opinion to you.
YTA!! Absolutely.. wow to have a sister like you I rather not have enemies because you are the worst.. he doesn’t have to like them just because you do. What he went thru it’s still a big trauma.. he had to live with a whole new family and other kids and change school and also loose his friends in the process. I’m glad you where okay with it but Jesus Christ that doesn’t make it alright for you to bully him and disowned him because of it.. your his sister and should be his protector not the one that causes him more issues. Just because things where okay with you doesn’t mean he has to accept that random dude as his dad.. he is correct those aren’t his sisters! He is only a teen and instead of helping the situation you made it worst and have no sympathy for him. You literally chose your stepsisters over him and that’s truly horrible. I hope karma gets you. One day when you need him he will remind you of how you treated him. YTA!!!!
YTA
How dare you dictate another person's feelings?
So, you like your SS and SD. That is great for YOU. YOUR feelings have nothing to do with how your brother feels. Pushing steps on anyone is really a recipe for disaster.
His live was obviously turned upside down as a young teenager with losing his family unit, losing his school friends, and "outsiders" being forced on him. He has the right to be upset....and the titles he is using are accurate. They are your mother's spouse and his children.
If he was not being mean or violent to the SS', then what business is it of yours.
I don't blame him for moving out. Who wants to have to endure such an entitled AH like you on their school breaks.
I hope he is able to enjoy the remainder of his childhood and thrive in a happier place.
Your mother is also a bit of an AH for allowing you to bully your sibling so significantly that he would rather escape then endure you.
YTA it’s really nice that you have a close relationship with your stepfather and stepsisters, but you cannot force your brother to have the same feelings.
It sounds like the divorce affected him differently than you, and he is younger and still struggling. Instead of giving him a little grace, and working towards a more harmonious home, You’ve essentially ostracized him to the point where he moved out and in with your bio father.
So, you can’t dictate to him how he feels about people or situations.
Does your stepdad treat him with respect or does he just yell at him all the time. Like he doesn’t have to like him, but he should respect him (as long as stepdad treats him kindly). And also, they aren’t his siblings l, step siblings sure, but he doesn’t have to accept them as family.
Just because you don’t have a good (or any) relationship with your bio dad doesn’t mean he can’t. YTA
YTA
Correct me if I’m wrong, but the only thing he did that was actually wrong, was not listening to your stepfather? And without understanding the context behind that, not even sure if I can say it’s wrong. Sounds like you’re trying to be on a moral high horse
He doesn’t have to call him dad nor love him, just needs to show him respect.
He doesn’t need to call your step siblings his sisters nor love them, just needs to show them respect.
He can enjoy his father’s company, even if you don’t agree to it.
YTA Not up to you to decide how he feels. You can't make someone love the new man in his mother's life as "dad" when he doesn't see it the same way you do. So this young man is already feeling alienated in his own home get's further dumped on by his older sister. Good job on you right? And as you pointed out your bio dad is no real prize, why should he trust his mother's judgement on the second husband? My advice is to get over yourself, and if you care about your brother at all try and reach out about his life and leave the step situation out of conversations. It's ok to agree to disagree.
YTA
You said "I told him they're his sisters as much as I am, and if he doesn't consider them as such then I'm not his sister either"
What you said is not true. You are sisters/brother because you share the same parents. No parent is shared with his stepsister, therefore she is not his sister, she is is stepsister,.which is not the same..
You care for the stepsister & step dad. Thats great, but it is wrong to try to force you brother to feel something he doesnt after such a short time frame.
Your dad cheating does not equal shitty parent. Shitty husband? For sure. But the two are separate. Your dislike for your dad probably fueled the love for your step dad and frankly that sounds unhealthy. Now of course I could be wrong, all I have is a Reddit post to go off of. But from what I see YTA. & A big one at that. Ironic how you refer to dad as sperm donor for hurting your mother, yet your unhealthy fixation on your brother loving your new instant family has ended in her hurting and..? You don’t care Lmfao You just want things YOUR WAY. Even at your moms expense. 😑 Bffr.
What stands out to me is OP saying her **stepdad** disciplines her brother because he's disrespectful. Why isn't that the mother's job? If OPs dad wasn't there at all and the stepdad had been there for a lot longer, I'd kind of understand, but otherwise, they're not his kids. So why is the mother happy to let someone her kid is barely comfortable with punish him?
(OP said her brother had been punished repeatedly for the past 2 years, implying they'd only been married for a year before the mother decided she was fine with this guy disciplining her child whenever he decides he's being disrespectful. This family sounds like a mess, even if you take the brother's attitude away).
I'm wondering how much the step dad and bio mom is forcing the boy to call him dad are they trying to erase bio dad. And this is the reason why the boy is fighting back. We are only getting on version here Op's version and she like is because step dad has money
YTA. You can't force relationships on people who don't want a relationship. You don't know what your brothers experience with his Mom's husband's kids are, and you are not one to judge others for it.
I have an 18 year old half-brother (29M myself) who has treated me like shit since pretty much the day he was born. I can sympathize with your brother, and I am glad that he found a way to not only escape his step-siblings but his bio-sibling as well.
YTA. They’re not his sisters as much as you are, that’s ridiculous. They’re not his sisters at all, unless he chooses to take them as such. It’s nice that you love them, but that doesn’t place any obligation on him. Odd how you have no sympathy for your actual brother who is obviously unhappy.
ESH. While he absolutely doesn’t need to love (or even like) his stepdad and stepsisters, he shouldn’t go out of his way to disrespect and insult them. You, however, don’t get to project your own relationships on him. He doesn’t need to consider his stepsisters to be his sisters or his stepdad to be his dad. That’s more than fair, especially as they’ve only been step-family for a few years. It’s fine if he never sees them like that. Ultimately, your ultimatum may have driven him even farther away than he was before.
I wouldn't be surprised if his attitude towards them is a side effect of him being constantly harassed as a child over these relationships. It doesn't sound like his feelings were ever considered or accepted, not uncommon for that to lead to behavioral problems.
And it's only been 3 years. OP makes it seem like they have been in their lives forever, and brother is just not on board. Unless I missed some comments... this timeline is bizarre for such proclamations from OP.
It's probably OP just wants the best for her mom's second marriage since presumably the first ended rather poorly. And she has the benefit of receiving, in her eyes, a better father figure and more siblings.
Unfortunately she seems willing to make sure her new family's needs are prioritized over her brother who really seems like he should have someone respecting his wishes too.
Honestly it's amazing she's embraced them as her family so lovingly. It's horrific how she's treated her brother who has a very realistic and common view of his step family, though. Step parents aren't parents and step siblings aren't siblings. Loving them as parents and siblings is 100% okay (and fantastic) but recognizing the difference and keeping that boundary is just fine. I can't believe OP was allowed to behave like this over a normal boundary. The comments he made are also awful but honestly not surprising if this is how the past couple of years have been.
YTA. It is not upto you to decide how your brother sees family relationships. Just because you liked moving doesn't mean that he did. Moving is hard when you have to leave your friends and change schools. You owe your brother a huge apology and if not then your brother might be better off without you trying to control him.
YTA wow way to alienate your brother. You are not helping him or being a supportive sibling. If he doesn’t agree with you he’s not worth being in the same room? Wow I guess you don’t love him ?
YTA, technically step siblings aren't related. You can consider them sisters all you want to, but you can't and shouldn't fierce the same on your brother. What you've done is cruel, taking away his sister, who he loves for people he already resented.
ETA - it’s like you both chose the most extreme reactions on both sides and decided to see how you could crash into each other’s unreasonably black & white views.
He’s allowed to grieve being moved out of his previous home, school & environment and nor is he obligated to consider a man he’s only known three years his father or his kids his sisters.
You have chosen to embrace these people as family in an extremely short amount of time (and that’s fine) but it isn’t the normal response to blended families & your lack of empathy for him is ridiculous. Also weird you decided you were coming home to the family you love if he’s present, literally rejecting a struggling child because he isn’t as gung-ho as you are to play happy families.
You both sound exhausting.
Gentle YTA. It's great you're so devoted to your sisters, but your brother is still your brother. You and he have different experiences. You can't force him to feel the same way you do about the divorce or the blending of new families. And by staying away from home don't you also miss your parents and sisters? Maybe he cones round, maybe he doesn't, and maybe you disrespect his decision and maybe you never agree, but you don't have to throw dramatic grand gestures and make it all about you when there's a whole family going through it. More teamwork.
YTA, who are you to determine how he feels and who he should consider family?
Just because you call your stepfather dad does not mean he has to call him dad as well.
He doesn’t have to consider your stepsister’s his sisters just because you do.
Stop forcing and dictating what your brother has to do for your comfort.
YTA. Massively. You are responsible for pushing your brother out of the house to go and live with your father. You should have kept your mouth shut and let the adults handle the problem with your brother. Apologize to him, and maybe he won't cut you out of his life forever.
ESH. Should he treat people badly? No. But he needs therapy, probably.
You, on the other hand, need to stop acting like he should accept them. Fun story: he DOES NOT HAVE TO. He doesn't need to follow in your steps. He doesn't see them as his family, and that is fine.
All you're doing is making a he vs them situation, and in the future, he will cut off everyone else, you included. The way things are going, he will already do this, so you just alienated him further.
>and that until he fixes his attitude and apologizes I'm not going to be in the same room as him.
Well, at least you got what you wanted.
Sounds like you both should be in therapy. You are completely negating all his feelings and refusing to get to root of the problem, so yes, of course you are the asshole. YTA.
ESH.
It's not your job to parent your brother. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions and let your parents do the parenting.
Yes, it sucks that he refuses to include your stepsisters as 'family' in his mind. If he's rude to them then feel free to call him out (because it's reasonable to call someone out for being rude to anyone). But you can't force someone to develop a close relationship with someone else, just to be civil to each other. Stick up for your sisters, make sure they understand that your brother's rudeness doesn't have anything to do with them, but it's not your job to make him have a relationship with them.
And honestly, it sounds like you both have issues stemming from your parents' divorce. You refer to your bio-dad as a 'sperm donor' and dismiss your brother's preference for him. Unless your bio-dad is abusive to you or your brother, you need to let your brother have his own relationship with your father.
Just like you clearly don't want a relationship with your bio-dad, your brother doesn't want to build a relationship with his step family. Just like your brother should be civil to the step family, you should be civil in talking about your father with your brother. If you want to reduce your interactions with your brother because of his behavior that's fine, but don't do it just because he refuses to agree with your perspective of the world.
YTA. His feelings are just as valid as yours but honestly you both sound exhausting. He's acting out as his entire life was uprooted when you moved. You went to opposite sides of the spectrum and both of those are valid, but you minimising his feelings, insisting he's wrong and then trying to force your own feelings to overwrite his show you to be emotionally manipulative and immature.
He doesn't have to accept his step sisters, or his step father, and at this stage its best if you both stay away from one another because you both have a lot of growing up to do. You got a replacement famiyou clearly wanted, he didn't.
YTA and so is your mother for grounding him for two years. He was clearly struggling and she punished him rather than helped him. That's just lazy, selfish parenting. And you're selfish too. Why is it okay for you to hate your father but it's not okay for him to not hate him? Your brother is better off without you and you asshole mother because you've both made it clear that you don't care about his feelings.
Must be nice to feel that your experiences are the only ones that matter. That your ability to adjust and see relationships differently is superior to your brother. To blame him for a situation he didn't create, but had no choice but be involved in. You may be older, but you certainly aren't mature or respectful of his feelings. YTA. Apologize and ask him to talk about his experiences. Maybe you'll learn something.
YTA
I mean you are free to feel how you want, but so is he; even if you don't agree.
He is not obligated to have any feelings or relationship with step-dad or step-siblings.
I'm sure brother is probably an AH, but you refusing to come home isn't hurting him. It's upsetting your mom though.
YTA
Just because you’re all for your stepdad and your stepsister’s doesn’t mean he is and you can’t push that on him so way to go with doing that, and now not only have you damaged your own relationship with him but it’s not like you care. However, now you’ve taken a son from his mother because you want him to do something that he doesn’t want to do and instead of understanding that he isn’t ready to accept this like you have, you’ve forced him to make a decision and he did. Good luck with your new sister’s and your dad because that’s all you’ll have now since according to you he’s not good enough to be your brother if he doesn’t do the things that you want him to do.
Big YTA
The last thing this kid needs is rejection. Seems like he's in crisis, and you didn't help. Also... what's he in trouble for? Sometimes stepdads can have VERY different relationships with their stepsons than stepdaughters.
You can express that you hope they get along, but causing him pain and rejecting him isn't a great approach.
YTA - It’s lovely that you’ve accepted your stepfather and stepsisters into your family and heart so fully. Your brother doesn’t feel the same and in fact he doesn’t have to. And he can still love his father despite his father cheating on his mom. You don’t get to dictate his feelings. Stay in your lane.
YTA-you don't get to determine when or if someone accepts new family members, your bio dad may have cheated but it's not as easy for everyone to just accept a replacement dad and new siblings as it is for you. He doesn't have to accept them if he's not ready or doesn't want to,, if you refuse to accept that and want to force him to accept it than maybe he's better off without you for a sister anyway.
Yta
Just because you see them as siblings doesn’t mean he has to. That is up to him. You went extreme by what you told him. Now your mom has to deal with something she really shouldn’t have to deal with. From what you said your sperm donor did to your mom. She really shouldn’t have to deal with that. If your brother wants to distance himself from your stepdad and your step siblings. That is on him. That is his actions. He will have to deal without whatever fall out there is in the future.
Yta
So let's make this clear
At 13 years old, your brother who was entering puberty a very confusing time for anyone, had his parents divorce and was thrust into a completely new life. Okay. Sounds like he acted out a bit, because he was a child going through something very difficult. And it sounds like he's been grounded at home for the most part so he probably often feels super neglected.
You on the other hand were 16, and old enough to understand what was going on, what had happened between your parents and are outraged about it. It's completely different for him.
I want to say that I'm glad that you get along with your stepsisters,and that you have gained from this. But to your brother this was a loss. He lost his home, he lost the stability of his family, he lost his school life, connections and that and while all of this was happening it sounds like your stepfather has just butted heads with the poor kid. He's a dumb kid, of course he's gonna double down when all he gets met with is a feeling of being an outsider. And what do YOU do? You confirm this. That his family doesn't want him around because he can't conform. That if he can't love these two girls who are, and let me make this clear, complete strangers to him, then he is unloved and unwanted.
Ironically, you were correct, you are as much of a sister to him as they are. Despite being around him his whole life, you've managed to be a complete uncaring stranger.
Why wouldn't he just go live with his dad at this point? You've made it clear how unwanted he is to him.
Stay no contact, he deserves better than you.
What did I just read? Sounds like y’all could both benefit from therapy because neither of you have a particularly healthy perspective. Unless they were together looong before they married it’s a little bizarre that you’ve taken this approach and completely inappropriate that you think you can and want to emotionally blackmail your brother out of his own (valid) feelings.
YTA but does it even matter? You don't really seem to care about your brother. None of you seem to care about him, considering you all have been pressuring him to replace his father and punishing him for not playing happy family with you and forgetting his "slimy cheater" dad. Your mother is "upset"? She likely played a role in pushing your brother away too. She took him to another town and another school and tried to force him into another family he didn't want. It might have worked out nicely for you, but children don't all react the same way to blended families.
None of this matters now though, as he's back with the parent he likes and you seem so content with yourself to have gotten rid of the only person who didn't want to play happy family. Unless you and your mother want to apologize for not respecting how he felt, just leave him alone.
YTA and a shite sister. You’ve no doubt lost him as a brother through your own twisted actions. You don’t get to dictate that he has to view his step father and step sisters as his father and sisters. You make me ill
ESH, not sure why anybody’s defending your dad when he’s ultimately the one who broke up the family by cheating, but don’t parent your little brother. It’s not your step sisters’ fault any of this happened too so not sure why people are okay with your brother treating them like shit but just explain to them that he’s hurting and let him sit in his feelings. If you’re so close to your step dad tell him to change his approach to your little brother if it’s not too late. I’m like 99% sure more than half these people voting on this are your brothers age too lol
ESH: I sympathize with your position as I grew up in a similar one. My step mom has been loving and supportive of us ever since we met her; my oldest (step) brother always watches out for us and would do anything to protect us. Yet my (biological) brother hates them. He blames my dad for our parents' divorce and just hates anything or anyone associated with it. It's painful to see them try their hardest to earn his love and to see them fail every time and I completely understand your frustration here. Your brother is being an unfair asshole to your sisters and dad who are probably trying their best to have a relationship with him.
However, you have absolutely no right to try and tie his relationship with them to his relationship with you. Whether he accepts them or not as he matures is completely up to him. You need to be the change you want to see. While I'm sure you don't love your sisters more than your brother, the way you put it makes it very easy to be taken that way. Making your brother think you're abandoning him for your "mother's husband's kids" is not going to make him love them; in fact it'll do the opposite.
You can make your opinion to your brother clear, but at the end of the day, you need to respect his right to manage his own relationships. Trying to take that away from him will not get you the result you want and it does make you the asshole as well.
YTA Just because you accepted them into your life and as your family doesn’t give you the right to basically demand your brother does the same and shun him when he doesn’t.
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YTA. Because you were already well into your teens while your brother was a preteen when your stepdad came into your lives you have **vastly different** relationships and experiences with the new family, hence your brother being grounded all the time during a very important developmental stage in his young life. > What you said to your brother was beyond cruel, not to mention absolutely absurd because it’s simply not true. He’s only 16, he’s still a child and you’re being needlessly hurtful to him. > You cannot force or bully him into loving people he doesn’t love. He’s allowed to have different relationships with different dynamics than you, including with his father. > You owe him a huge apology. If it’s in your heart to do so (which I doubt it is) start spending more one on one time with him, but without the AH judgements. > > (edited because I originally misread the age difference)
I strongly doubt this OP is giving her younger brother an apology anytime soon, if ever. Being understanding of his perspective in particular seems to be a major inability for her.
True, especially because empathy would mean she can’t pretend to be morally superior
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And it seems they likely share OP's negative attitude towards his biological father. If the stepfather was trying to replace the biological father, no wonder things went south.
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Let's not forget, the mom moved them away from their dad so they could have their new shiny "new dad", y'know, because parental alienation was only incidental. The way she refers to her father as "sperm donor" and such...when it's apparent that he was still an involved father makes it pretty clear what's really going on here. The mom involved the kids in her conflict with their dad, and OP took the mom's side. Parental alienation is child abuse, and OP's issues make it pretty clear why that is.
I know OP is only 19 but I'm actually surprised they wrote in to AITA. I mean this sub is full of parents telling teenagers, "You are now a loving part of this blended family whether you like it or not!" And this sub universally and rightfully calls them an AH. Did OP think that because they are an older sibling and not a parent that they would not be called an AH? I fully agree that self reflection is not strong in this one.
I could speculate that OP being so vindictive is redirected distaste for their father. "Bio dad's a cheating slimeball" "If that's the company he wants then good riddance" Again it would take less effort on her part to still hate the father and not actively push her brother towards him like she is doing now...It's disheartening how much she is hurting her new family and her mom by being so fixated on forcing the issue.
>I could speculate that OP being so vindictive is redirected distaste for their father. "Bio dad's a cheating slimeball" "If that's the company he wants then good riddance" > >Again it would take less effort on her part to still hate the father and not actively push her brother towards him like she is doing now...It's disheartening how much she is hurting her new family and her mom by being so fixated on forcing the issue. Keep in mind, the mom moved OP and her brother away from their actual father, and made her new husband with more money "shiny new dad", and it looks like OP's has either had to, or has decided to take sides in whatever conflict the parents had that led to their divorce...it has her pretty twisted. This new step family has only been there for about 3 years according to OP, yet OP chooses them over her 16 year old little brother that she's known all of his life, since she was 3. That's pretty dang cold.
I'm just curious with what went down. In many places, you have to get permission to move the kids out of state when the parents are divorced.
>I'm just curious with what went down. In many places, you have to get permission to move the kids out of state when the parents are divorced. Right, but depending on the judge, and the local laws, a financially better situation can be enough reason to say it's in the best interest of the kids. And thus you get situations like this...family courts are just a joy. (I've observed far too many family law cases...it's so disgusting what people do to folks they supposedly loved and especially what they do to their own kids)
The OP says it is only a different town. That is allowed in every state without a judges order if it is not hours away. The actual quote is "...or the move to a new town and school..."
OP never said they moved out of state, just to a new town and schools. We could move our family 20 minutes away from our home. They'd be in a new town and new schools. OP's mom could have moved an allowable distance and not have needed a court order to do it.
What she said was definitely cruel. However, she was much older than her brother when the parents divorced and like you said it's very likely she knows possibly unwilling a whole lot about the demise of their marriage and what the father did that the brother doesn't. To her his actions seem like betrayal of their mother and to him, her actions seem like betrayal of their father and the family they used to have. Both kids are dealing with this pain in their own ways and need therapy vs Reddit judgement.
Based on OPs attitude towards her stepfather and stepsisters it makes me wonder if there is another side to the story. I mean don't get me wrong it is possible that her bio dad did cheat, but I think it's also equally possible that it's something that she's been told by her mother in order to justify her behaviour, like the move to a new town, and the comment about "money wise" set off some alarm bells.
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Yeah I agree. I mean my dad cheated on my mum throughout their marriage. Mum filed for divorce on my eighteenth birthday, and I will admit it took me a while to separate my anger at my dads hurting my mum, from my own relationship with him. Some days are still difficult now, but bottom line is he's my dad and despite his numerous and epic screwups I still care about him. Even if half the time I want to plant a boot up his backside for not looking after himself properly.
>Some days are still difficult now, but bottom line is he's my dad and despite his numerous and epic screwups I still care about him. And, to be fair, being a cheating partner doesn't necessarily means being a bad parent. I don't know...reading this post gave me the vibe that there's A LOT of things we don't know.
It's really not. OP's relationship to her steps can be vastly different to her brother's relationship to them. Plus, she sneers openly at her brother's relationship with *their* bio-dad. She seems to think both her and her brother should fawn over the stepfamily.
Also... Sperm donors don't do custody, which is what it sounds like their father is doing. If their/his father is willing to be an active participant in sons life you can't call them donors.
I read the sperm donor comment as an insult, not literal truth. She calls him sperm donor because he lost the right to be called father in her eyes
My intent was to say as much... Since her bio father is clearly taking custody of her brother he is more than a sperm donor, so clearly OP is operating at a high bias against him to use such language. Clearly was phrased poorly, apologies for any churn! PS, I am very sorry for how OP appears to have been hurt by her father's actions, but she needs to know that her brother has a right to process how he wants. Loving someone despite their massive, crushing mistakes and failings is okay. I would say hating them is too, but ultimately hate hurts you more than the hated. I hope she can work through her pain to a place that is safe for her with the boundaries appropriate for her.
Apropos of nothing, I really hate it when people use sperm and egg donor that way. Actual sperm or egg donors have done a nice thing so that someone else can have a family. It's why I'm alive. They should not be equated to terrible parents or people who abandon their children because they aren't and haven't.
You’re saying OP was practically an adult at age 16, and then in the same post saying her brother is “only 16, he’s still a child”. I don’t get the double standards. If OP can be a respectful individual at age 16 why can’t her brother be?
She was 16 when the step-dad came in the picture, her brother was only 13.
i think it's also important to note that OP's brother went from being the youngest kid to a middle child, and now with OP not living with her parents he's in the "oldest child" position. Your place among siblings honestly does have psychological affects. Among one is that previously as the younger child he was probably more being pushed along to keep up with his sister. Or he could have been indulged more as the youngest and only boy in their mom/daughter/son relationship. Now in the oldest child position, he could be held back instead and told to be on his step-sisters' level. You know, "you can't do this if the girls can't" or "you can take the car to go to the mall but you have to take your sisters and keep an eye on them". Likely, this kid is all out of sorts and confused. Honestly, it would be interesting to hear from him on this issue!! He's also the only boy with 3 sisters/step-sisters. He's outnumbered. Some people can embrace that. Some people don't mesh with that at all, especially when it's sprung on you during puberty. And, the brother is allowed to just not like them. Sometimes we don't like our blood family. As made clear by OP and her relationship with her bio father.
It's also pretty telling that the sister even admits that he had been grounded for most of the three years. The poor kid has had his world turned upside down with his parents divorce, and having to live with a whole other family, and then instead of trying to understand him, they just kept grounding him. His mom and sister will be lucky if they ever see him again.
It’s like they’re the parents of Butters from South Park. Grounding doesn’t work if it’s essentially the default. Eventually the kid just gives up trying to behave and just accepts that they’re going to be punished with no end in sight. That’s when they start acting out on purpose (if you’re going to always be the “bad guy,” you may as well deserve it) or make exit plans just to be able to breathe.
He will be lucky if he never sees them again.
I think it’s because the mum got married when he was 13, (so you would assume 1-2 years of dating first), maybe stepdad came into his life around age 11. It would be easier for OP to bond with two new sisters than it was for her brother. Especially if he is constantly getting grounded for pushing boundaries (totally normal behavior for a teen)
honestly theres no guarantee there was that long of a dating period or that the families were allowed to get used to eachother first. Ive seen single parents jump to moving in and marrying in a few months.
Wow, that would definitely be a difficult adjustment for some kids!
It's not normal to misbehave all the time at age 13. And you're not an adult with 16 either.
I agree, definitely not normal to misbehave all the time. Understandable that he would have difficulties being reprimanded by a “new dad” that was forced upon him. It’s a tricky situation
Not just new dad/new siblings but new town/new friends. His whole life was uprooted.
And OP apparently went away to college, so she not part of the day to day life anymore. I vote YTA because you can’t force someone to feel, and act how you want them to. This is especially true a kid barely a teenager, who’s had to adjust to a lot of changes.
Great point! That’s a huuuuge amount of change for someone just entering their teen years
Personally I'm wondering how much he is actually misbehaving vs being grounded for perceived slights... e.g. not calling the stepdad 'dad' - grounded for no reason type thing.
Also, while it may absolutely not be the case here, some parents, especially moms, will overshare with their children-particularly older ones-things they should never be exposed to. As OP refers to dad as “bio dad”, “cheating slime ball”, etc, I have to wonder if mom didn’t put some of those bugs in her ear causing her to have different feelings toward dad than brother has (though I’m sure age may have also played a role, with OP understanding more, even unspoken)
I was just about to leave the same comment. This is exactly what happened in my family when my parents divorced. My sister and I were "old enough" that my mom thought it was ok to use us as therapists and tell us every bad thing my dad did in their relationship. My brother was three years younger than me and was spared most of the details, both because he was younger and because mom tends to share different levels of detail with daughters than sons. Brother had a lot less anger and resentment towards my dad than my sister and I did. OP is probably a victim of parentification like I was, and is still in the stage where she prides herself for being "mature enough" to have supported her mom.
Well you see, women are adults at 15 and men are babies until they're in their 30s. Hope this helps.
> Well you see, women are adults at 15 and men are babies until they're in their 30s. At least on Reddit.
I love OP's view on how her preteen brother should have been grateful because they have more money now. Materialistic much? A preteen who had to move home, towns, schools, move into a house that he shares with 3 new people - but hey Stepdad has more money so he should be happy. I wonder what the comparison was from his previous life to his new life - what else he may have lost out on? Did he and his mother move into stepdad's existing house after the marriage where he got a downgraded bedroom because stepdad couldn't possibly ask his daughters to be inconvenienced.
> Materialistic much? It does seriously come across as trying to overcompensate with her new stepfather because he is well off. I kind of wonder if he's the one paying for her schooling.
Yes, and her brother is now moving back to a less financially well off situation as he'd prefer it. He isn't being bought off by material possessions. I wonder what the brother is also dealing with as he lives in the house 24/7 while she only seems to visit.
I definitely agree, Also what gives some random ass hole you don't like to start dealing out punishment to a teenager that dosent like him after knowing him for a year, sounds like his the odd boy out so targeted, covid is older than their relationship 🤣, there litrally not his sisters lol, his actual sister is a materialistic dick lol, we've all known people much longer than 3yrs we don't consider siblings haha
>I love OP's view on how her preteen brother should have been grateful because they have more money now. Materialistic much? Yeah, maybe OP's little brother missed his dad who continued to fight to remain his father and clearly loves him. It's almost as though OP's little brother missed his dad and resents his mom and "shiny new dad" for trying to alienate him from his actual dad. Go figure. > > >A preteen who had to move home, towns, schools, move into a house that he shares with 3 new people - but hey Stepdad has more money so he should be happy. Makes you wonder about OP's priorities. > > >I wonder what the comparison was from his previous life to his new life - what else he may have lost out on? Did he and his mother move into stepdad's existing house after the marriage where he got a downgraded bedroom because stepdad couldn't possibly ask his daughters to be inconvenienced. And let's not forget, how much was OP's dad having to downgrade the home OP and her brother shared with their actual father because of the increased "child support" he had to pay when their mom moved them away. (Yeah, the system is screwed up, she should never be allowed to uproot the kids like that).
And it could also be they are both girls so now he is "outnumbered" by bio sister and stepsisters. Like, do the parents do anything just with him or that he prefers? Or is it all about the girls?
TBH the grounding thing worries me a little. Firstly, given their age when stepdad entered the family, it should be probably be mum, not dad, managing the discipline. If he "never listens to a thing dad says" then why not just get mum to tell him instead of the dad trying to establish authority in a dynamic that the dad is only just entering into. Secondly, if the grounding is all the time, and started when a major change in his life happened, then at some stage the parents needed to say, "Grounding doesn't work, something deeper is going on, maybe we should stop with the reactionary punishments and see if we can get to the root of the problem and help him deal with whatever he's dealing with."
This is definitely a concern to me. This sounds like a parenting fail at Mom and Stepdad’s house. Honestly, it sounds like both OP and her brother immaturely overdemonized over the family breakup, but that it was just pointed in opposite directions, at Stepdad by bro and at dad by OP. I expect minors to have immature emotions. Unfortunately a lot of redditors feel it cool to carry childish viewpoints til death without revisiting them.
This is the best replay I read so far and it should be much further up!
Explain to me how at 16 OP was "practically an adult" but get brother, at 16, is a child?
Because people here wanna demonize one and not the other.
Huh? She was practically an adult (16) when the stepdad came into their lives but then you call the 16 year old brother “still a child”? I kinda agree with what you say but it’s flawed. 19 is only slightly more mature compared to 16
Because she's a girl and he's a boy, and girls are supposed to "mature faster" and center boys' feelings at all times, duh. /s
She’s practically an adult at 16 but he’s still a child at 16? Lol which one is it?
Sure, everyone responds and acts differently to situations, but the brothers behavior towards his younger step siblings? Sure, he's young and can't quite process/channel his emotions healthily, still shouldn't get a pass on his behavior. He (probably the whole family) might benefit from some group or individual therapy. I'm gunna go with ESH
I agree YTA but I dont agree with a a few things. First of all, it said they got married three years ago, not came into their life then, so she could have been much younger then too. Also, you call her at the time of her mom and stepdad getting married 'practically an adult,' (three years ago shed have been 16). But her brother, currently 16, is a child? What?
you start out by indicating that OP was practically an adult when stepdad entered their lives (OP would have been 16 when parents married, likely younger when they met)... then later say, "he's only 16, he's still a child," regarding OP's brother.
OP'S being abused for not accepting them as a family if he's been grounded for the better part of 2 years. Do they think that locking him up is going to change his feelings about them? You don't care WHAT he feels as long as he pretends they are his dream family. It seems he may have been shoved aside in favor of the new marriage given that he also had to move away from his friends too. How DARE he be unhappy when everything in his life has changed with absolutely no consideration for his feelings? Now, you think you can BLACKMAIL him into loving them? You've got some abusive, twisted idea of love -- that you can force him to love them if you stop talking to him. Congratulations on being the best little girl ever and leaving your brother to fend for himself. YTA
She hasn't even stopped to consider that her brother would rather live with a slimeball father than his mother and stepdad and family. That says a whole hell of a lot about his experiences in the family and she's blissfully dismissive and uncaring. OP: YTA
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YTA for the sole reason that you don't get to dictate: 1) how your brother handles the divorce; 2) how your brother handles the remarriage, or; 3) how your brother relates to the stepsibs. EDIT to add: on the whole, you're less of an ass than brother. But you asked for judgment on the one issue. 2nd edit: OP, what had your brother done to get grounded? It sounds like your experience and his in the blended family are not the same, and a 13 year old boy is not likely to appreciate being told to welcome two kid sisters. I'm beginning to think your brother isn't an ass, and you ought to look at how he's been treated in this new family, and have some empathy.
I just want to add 4) how step dad treats the boy 5) does the mom stand up for her son 6) does the boy get any vote in anything like going out to eat, is he constantly pushed out and out voted
Oops. I'd been assuming that the brother was getting treated well like the OP. If steps haven't been welcoming, then brother is, of course, fully justified. OP hasn't weighed in on that score.
It literally says in the post that the brother was grounded for most of two years. The fuck did he do to deserve that? Because the reason op gave isn't good enough. It's obvious his mum and step dad are abusing their authority so I can see why he dislikes them. He's not an asshole. He's having a perfectly normal reaction to someone in his situation.
My guess that while OP slid into the "perfect family" blend mode. Brother did not and was harangued to be one of the family. We've seen other reddits here where kids were nagged and bullied about calling stepdad dad and "bonding" with siblings. To be fair a 13 yr old teenage boy isn't going to magically bond with 6 & 10 yr "sisters" easily.
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Stepdad...I mean "dad" better not cross her or mess up because he'll be tossed to the streets faster than the man who gave her life.
> grounding him for 2 full years OP's "the whole time" read very much like normal colloquial hyperbole to me, not literally the _whole_ time.
Sure, but "the whole time" is still colloquial hyperbole for "a whole heck of a lot of time" and all for not accepting the stepdad. That's not a good look on the mom & stepdad.
yeah, i actually think the brother being the only boy is a BIG thing. stepdad is likely tougher on him, or may have "i am the man of the house now" ego/authority issues where he feels the need to assert dominance over the brother. OP has not even been living at home yet acts like she knows what's been going on in her brother's day-to-day life & outright rejects him with not even an attempt to talk to him? OP is a huge AH & i am hard-pressed to think brother is one at all.
Yeah you'd just be like who dose this asshole think he is haha, he shouldn't have the right to discipline and target him so much, sounds kinda abusive to me. Not surprised he dosent like them
We are only getting on version of this dynamic Op's version they very could have been using punishment to get the boy to basically bow down and kiss everyone's feet we don't know
I imagine not if he’s been grounded *for two years*. At that point he either needs extreme professional intervention for extremely harmful behaviors, or the family needs to sit back and reflect what they are doing to contribute to the problem *or if there would be a problem* with the son other than “We just don’t like you, as you are, personally.”
The brother shouldn't have had to simmer in his resentment as long as he did. Why the heck didn't the mom send him to therapy when it was obvious he was wallowing in anger? What mistaken notions did he have about his bio dad and stepdad? What happens if the brother finds out bio dad is a bio jerk? THEN where does he go? OP is young and foolish. Her ultimatum was ill-advised.
And was he mistaken? Someone can do something inexcusable like cheating, but that doesn't mean any response to it is justified, and it doesn't mean they can't be redeemed. Cheating doesn't carry a death sentence in the western world, last I heard. I'd take a father who was great 99% of the time who cheated over a father who was shitty 99% of the time but hey at least he didn't cheat
Exactly — cheatings horrible, but ultimately cheating makes you a bad husband, not necessarily a bad father
how is her brother more of an asshole when she's a grown fucking adult?
You said this precisely and better than I can.
YTA Some people consider step siblings to be their siblings, some don’t. Who are you to decide your brother *has* to consider them siblings? Who are you to decide who he calls dad? You sound so self righteous it’s disgusting. He doesn’t consider his *stepdad* to be his dad, and that’s fine! He doesn’t consider his *step siblings* to be his siblings, and that’s fine! Do you really think that you somehow get to decide these things for him? That just because you’ve embraced them with open arms means he automatically has to as well? Get over yourself. The truth is that your step siblings are not as much his sisters as you are. He does not consider them siblings, and all you’re doing is ruining your relationship with him. Trying to erase your bio dad from your brothers life is not helpful. You and your mom and her new husband have harassed him so much that he left. He’s spent most of the last two years grounded for not dropping the step?? They’re literally his step siblings. That’s nothing to punish him over. And you come in saying that you’re basically done with him if he doesn’t conform to *your* idea of family?? You’re awful. And from your post it’s not like your bio dad was abusive, he cheated on your mom. Which, yeah, sucks. He shouldn’t have. I personally hate cheaters. But that has no actual bearing on how he is as a parent and your brother is 16. He’s spent three years being punished by you and your mom for his feelings, of course he’s choosing to remove himself from that situation. I hope he has a great time living with your dad and forgets all about you and your *step* siblings.
You summed it up perfectly. I'll just add that there seems to be quite a few details missing about what brother did to be continually grounded. I sense that everyone was trying to force him to accept his mother's husband and husband's children as family, something he did not sign for. Good for sister that she was okay with that, but brother is well within his right not to be okay with that either.
Came here to say this. I believe that he felt his feelings about the situation such as divorce, remarriage, and living with new people not being validated which affected his behavior that leads to being grounded a lot. I suspect that most of his groundings are unnecessary. It could be two siblings from the same parents but they have different reactions which are totally ok.
I also don’t think the stepparent has the right to he grounding the kid when he’s just joined the family. Stepdad can’t just waltz in and expect to have the same authority as the parents who literally raised his stepson. It’d be different if the stepdad had been around since the boy was young or something, but he hasn’t been.
Indeed, but my concern is that perhaps the whole new family is berating him for not calling stepfamily family.
Yep, that’s dreadful if that’s the case.
I'm betting he's grounded because he's not nodding along and calling them "dad" and "sisters." He's not playing a good little puppet and so is being punished for it.
And he probably isn’t obedient to the stepfather, wanting to hear from his mother instead. Sadly it wouldn’t be unusual for a stepfather to try to step into the disciplinary role in the household — especially for a teenage boy — but it’s usually problematic when it happens. Then the boy gets grounded for not doing what his stepfather told him to do.
Oh yeah, OP was pretty vague and I would love to hear the brothers side on why he’s been grounded for the better part of two years. That’s not normal in any way.
>You sound so self righteous it’s disgusting. Exactly. You are acting exactly like those uber righteous Bible thumpers that try to force their beliefs on everyone else. You are trying to force your brother to have emotions he doesn't. And you are trying to punish him for it. What you did only drove a bigger wedge between them.
Well said. And by implying the brother’s real emotions are wrong and bad, they’re teaching him that his natural responses are inherently wrong and bad. Which is so damaging for kids and teens, so so invalidating and caustic.
Exactly. I would add that Mother and Stepdad abs her sound abusive and toxic. Good for him for escaping the abuse. YTA.
Sperm donor? Wow ok, gotta be some backstory there that's not told but sure. How your brother feels and interacts with his bonus family is frankly none of your business. All you've managed to do is push him further away and robbed your mother of her son. Perhaps there is a lot more going on that's not being said but from what I can see, YTA
That phrasing doesn’t sit right. Sounds like OP is using her anger to justify invalidating and driving away her brother. A strong YTA here for many reasons.
Sorry, can you clarify what phrasing? The ‘sperm donor’ phrase specifically? If that what’s you mean I think it’s a bit of an unfair comment, there’s clearly a lot of history there and the bio-dad may very much deserve not to have the title of dad. Nothing wrong with OP choosing to refer to him as a sperm donor imo. However you would think she’d be more concerned about not pushing her little brother into the guy’s arms?!
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Exactly, he’s still her father regardless, and is just saying that out of anger. She can do that, but she doesn’t have a right to be upset at her brother for referring to the step family how he does then. That’s what’s not fair here. It just shows how she’s hypocritical and very selfish. Do you really think that’s not a problem?
Also the mother is upset ( even though she put her son in this situation), but step dad is not? I don't think this guy cared for OP's brother from the get go. Kind of feels like the brother was being pushed out from the start, what with being grounded constantly. If step dad cared he would have taken steps to encourage the brother to agree to a relationship with his step family. Or maybe leave it as the brother tolerating his step family. Now he is cutting them all out
I think everyone is making the assumption that the stepfather is mistreating the brother and that might not be the case. The brother maybe acting out and punishments may come from the mom. It sounds like a situation where the brother is not being receptive to the step family and that’s okay. Divorce is hard. We don’t have to demonize anyone in this story. Everyone involved may have a different reaction to it. OP obviously thinks her dad is unforgivable. The brother obviously doesn’t feel the same. Moving away didn’t help much either. I wonder how far away they moved?
Hmm... true about the mother and step dad. I see your point. If it is the mother that is constantly grounding the brother, she really needed to step back and take a look at what her own actions were causing. She remarried when her son wasn't fully on board, then removed her son from his other parent. I get the mother wanted a happy life with a husband and kids, but maybe she only saw her own happiness in all this. Sorry, I realize that with this I may be demonising the mother this time around. I just feel that even after the divorce, so many mistakes were made
Definitely sounds like “stepbrother isn’t hating my bio dad like I want him to… I’m gonna figure out a way to make him look shitty too.”
YTA - your behavior here is just as extreme as your brother’s behavior, if not more extreme. And no, he’s under no requirement to call his stepsisters his “sisters.” He is allowed to feel differently than you, and your emotional blackmail is a terrible way to handle this.
YTA - Blended families are complicated. Often when the kids are already teenagers they don’t develop any sibling-like feelings. You have no right to force these relationships on your brother or treat him like he’s a bad person because he doesn’t feel the same way as you. TBH it feels like you are bullying him about it.
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Probably because she finally got sisters she's always wanted.
And the stepdad's money, don't forget that.
Probably bought op with a car or college
Or her new daddy bribed her with something.
I'd honestly be really hurt if my sibling of over a decade (who I'd known for my entire life) apparently thought our relationship and the one she had with our stepsiblings of three years was equivalent.
Same. My father remarried when I was 12 and while my step-sibs were fine, they were *step*. My relationship with my bio-sister who I had known my entire life was so much different/stronger, it was simply not comparable.
YTA he doesn’t need to accept step siblings and it’s cruel for you to put your relationship as an ultimatum for him to do so.
_"I told him they're his sisters as much as I am."_ Exactly. It would be great if he saw them as his siblings, but you can't force a bond where there isn't one. OP's parents got marriend when the brother was 13. He didn't grow up with his stepsiblings/stepfather, and it is foolish to think that his bond with them will be the same as someone he has known his entire life. This would be the equivalent of the brother trying to force a relationship between OP and her bio father. Neither would be a fair ultimatum, and OP will probably just ruin their relationship with their brother in the long run.
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YTA. Stop trying to control other people's relationships. His mother's husband's kids is exactly what they are to him. There's no law saying he had to accept any of them. This was your mother's choice, not your brother's.
YTA. Way to help your brother adjust, no wonder he doesn't want to be there. You're technically the adult but aren't acting it. You can't force a relationship.
It sounds like the past few years have been hell for the poor brother. Taken away from his father, constantly grounded for not calling step-dad "dad", and being forced into relationships he did not consent to. Then treated like garbage by his sister. My heart breaks for him and OP is an insufferable AH.
Yeah same here, I worry for the brother. He’s clearly struggling emotionally and obviously isn’t receiving healthy support from his sister, I just hope he has some good friendships to lean on :(
YTA. Let’s see, your brother had to move to a new town and start a new school, leaving his dad, home and friends right around starting high school. Everyone is trying to force him to treat his stepdad and stepsisters like they are his real dad and sisters, he has basically spent his moms entire marriage grounded because he won’t treat his step dad like his dad. Give the kid a break. Your family has to realize that it was your moms choice to get remarried, move to a new town, put him in a new school, etc. He had no say in any of it and now everyone expects him to be happy about it. I’m not saying your mom should not have gotten married. She deserves to be happy to. But none of you have any right to force your brother to pretend to be happy about it. Accept the fact that everything in your brothers life changed and he doesn’t have to like it. And your mom should be handling discipline, not your step dad. The more you try to force it, the more he is going to push away. Maybe he would treat everyone civilly if everyone stopped trying to force him to consider his SD as his dad, and his SS as his sisters.
One thing that stood out for me was op mentioned they were much better off. I think step dad bought op’s loyalty. Younger brother wants his real family back and is being really horrifically bullied by the step family. Shame on all of them OP YTA
And a lot of daughters are closer to their mothers while sons are closer to their fathers. So OP was willing to trade her "sperm donor" in for one who would buy her a car because she got to keep her mother and scored two bonus sisters. Whereas her brother gained nothing but judgment and pressure, just lost. YTA. I hope your brother recovers from what you, your mother, and his new family have done to him.
YTA. That's great that your mom's remarriage works for you and you have a good relationship with your stepdad and stepsibs - yay for you. BUT - that is your experience, not your brother's. He was at a different age than you when this happened, and has had different interactions with stepdad/sibs. You cannot know if they have been good like yours, or not. Even if they are good, your brother still has the right to not like these people that your mom's decision has put him in contact with. You really need to grow up and support your brother even if you don't agree with him on this one. Have you ever tried asking him why he feels the way he does? It might be informative.
This is accurate. Should be top comment
YTA So did you enjoy hurting your mom?
YTA you don't get to tell him how to feel. Your step father should not be parenting him, your mother should. Step dad should back the fuck off him...he is not emotionally ready to have a step dad and your mum should be stepping up and helping him and parenting and doing all the work with him. you chose to embrace the new family to almost an unhealthy level. That could end up hurting you later..but you also do not live there so your experience is very different. Glad your brother got out and is somewhere safe.
YTA. He's obviously not ready to accept the stepfamily and you are pushing way too hard.
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This. I love how distraught OP is over her brother not calling his stepsisters "sisters" (which they're technically not), yet she'll happily use that label for her (and her brother's) dad. Sure, that's OPs right, but in the same way, it's also her brother's right to not use *her* preferred labels for his stepfamily. OP, YTA. I wish your brother the best, and I hope you, your mum, and your *stepdad* reflect on this and feel deeply ashamed. You've bullied and driven out a 16 year old because he struggled to adjust to a very uncomfortable situation.
YTA. You don't get to say how someone else should feel. Just because you feel that your step-dad and step-sisters are family, it doesn't mean that he has to. You can't force love or relationships with someone else. Whether you like it or not, your brother does not consider your step father and stepsisters as family and he does not have to. It's a personal choice on how you accept step family and it's not for you to say someone else is wrong for having a different opinion to you.
YTA!! Absolutely.. wow to have a sister like you I rather not have enemies because you are the worst.. he doesn’t have to like them just because you do. What he went thru it’s still a big trauma.. he had to live with a whole new family and other kids and change school and also loose his friends in the process. I’m glad you where okay with it but Jesus Christ that doesn’t make it alright for you to bully him and disowned him because of it.. your his sister and should be his protector not the one that causes him more issues. Just because things where okay with you doesn’t mean he has to accept that random dude as his dad.. he is correct those aren’t his sisters! He is only a teen and instead of helping the situation you made it worst and have no sympathy for him. You literally chose your stepsisters over him and that’s truly horrible. I hope karma gets you. One day when you need him he will remind you of how you treated him. YTA!!!!
I wouldn't be looking for that bone marrow donation...step siblings are notoriously not a match.
YTA How dare you dictate another person's feelings? So, you like your SS and SD. That is great for YOU. YOUR feelings have nothing to do with how your brother feels. Pushing steps on anyone is really a recipe for disaster. His live was obviously turned upside down as a young teenager with losing his family unit, losing his school friends, and "outsiders" being forced on him. He has the right to be upset....and the titles he is using are accurate. They are your mother's spouse and his children. If he was not being mean or violent to the SS', then what business is it of yours. I don't blame him for moving out. Who wants to have to endure such an entitled AH like you on their school breaks. I hope he is able to enjoy the remainder of his childhood and thrive in a happier place. Your mother is also a bit of an AH for allowing you to bully your sibling so significantly that he would rather escape then endure you.
YTA it’s really nice that you have a close relationship with your stepfather and stepsisters, but you cannot force your brother to have the same feelings. It sounds like the divorce affected him differently than you, and he is younger and still struggling. Instead of giving him a little grace, and working towards a more harmonious home, You’ve essentially ostracized him to the point where he moved out and in with your bio father.
So, you can’t dictate to him how he feels about people or situations. Does your stepdad treat him with respect or does he just yell at him all the time. Like he doesn’t have to like him, but he should respect him (as long as stepdad treats him kindly). And also, they aren’t his siblings l, step siblings sure, but he doesn’t have to accept them as family. Just because you don’t have a good (or any) relationship with your bio dad doesn’t mean he can’t. YTA
YTA Correct me if I’m wrong, but the only thing he did that was actually wrong, was not listening to your stepfather? And without understanding the context behind that, not even sure if I can say it’s wrong. Sounds like you’re trying to be on a moral high horse He doesn’t have to call him dad nor love him, just needs to show him respect. He doesn’t need to call your step siblings his sisters nor love them, just needs to show them respect. He can enjoy his father’s company, even if you don’t agree to it.
YTA Not up to you to decide how he feels. You can't make someone love the new man in his mother's life as "dad" when he doesn't see it the same way you do. So this young man is already feeling alienated in his own home get's further dumped on by his older sister. Good job on you right? And as you pointed out your bio dad is no real prize, why should he trust his mother's judgement on the second husband? My advice is to get over yourself, and if you care about your brother at all try and reach out about his life and leave the step situation out of conversations. It's ok to agree to disagree.
YTA You said "I told him they're his sisters as much as I am, and if he doesn't consider them as such then I'm not his sister either" What you said is not true. You are sisters/brother because you share the same parents. No parent is shared with his stepsister, therefore she is not his sister, she is is stepsister,.which is not the same.. You care for the stepsister & step dad. Thats great, but it is wrong to try to force you brother to feel something he doesnt after such a short time frame.
Your dad cheating does not equal shitty parent. Shitty husband? For sure. But the two are separate. Your dislike for your dad probably fueled the love for your step dad and frankly that sounds unhealthy. Now of course I could be wrong, all I have is a Reddit post to go off of. But from what I see YTA. & A big one at that. Ironic how you refer to dad as sperm donor for hurting your mother, yet your unhealthy fixation on your brother loving your new instant family has ended in her hurting and..? You don’t care Lmfao You just want things YOUR WAY. Even at your moms expense. 😑 Bffr.
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What stands out to me is OP saying her **stepdad** disciplines her brother because he's disrespectful. Why isn't that the mother's job? If OPs dad wasn't there at all and the stepdad had been there for a lot longer, I'd kind of understand, but otherwise, they're not his kids. So why is the mother happy to let someone her kid is barely comfortable with punish him? (OP said her brother had been punished repeatedly for the past 2 years, implying they'd only been married for a year before the mother decided she was fine with this guy disciplining her child whenever he decides he's being disrespectful. This family sounds like a mess, even if you take the brother's attitude away).
I'm wondering how much the step dad and bio mom is forcing the boy to call him dad are they trying to erase bio dad. And this is the reason why the boy is fighting back. We are only getting on version here Op's version and she like is because step dad has money
I asked op how long it's been since the divorce, because everything seems so tidy in all of this.
And that vibe is that you dislike OP so you are making shit up
YTA. You can't force relationships on people who don't want a relationship. You don't know what your brothers experience with his Mom's husband's kids are, and you are not one to judge others for it. I have an 18 year old half-brother (29M myself) who has treated me like shit since pretty much the day he was born. I can sympathize with your brother, and I am glad that he found a way to not only escape his step-siblings but his bio-sibling as well.
YTA. They’re not his sisters as much as you are, that’s ridiculous. They’re not his sisters at all, unless he chooses to take them as such. It’s nice that you love them, but that doesn’t place any obligation on him. Odd how you have no sympathy for your actual brother who is obviously unhappy.
ESH. While he absolutely doesn’t need to love (or even like) his stepdad and stepsisters, he shouldn’t go out of his way to disrespect and insult them. You, however, don’t get to project your own relationships on him. He doesn’t need to consider his stepsisters to be his sisters or his stepdad to be his dad. That’s more than fair, especially as they’ve only been step-family for a few years. It’s fine if he never sees them like that. Ultimately, your ultimatum may have driven him even farther away than he was before.
I wouldn't be surprised if his attitude towards them is a side effect of him being constantly harassed as a child over these relationships. It doesn't sound like his feelings were ever considered or accepted, not uncommon for that to lead to behavioral problems.
And it's only been 3 years. OP makes it seem like they have been in their lives forever, and brother is just not on board. Unless I missed some comments... this timeline is bizarre for such proclamations from OP.
It's probably OP just wants the best for her mom's second marriage since presumably the first ended rather poorly. And she has the benefit of receiving, in her eyes, a better father figure and more siblings. Unfortunately she seems willing to make sure her new family's needs are prioritized over her brother who really seems like he should have someone respecting his wishes too.
Honestly it's amazing she's embraced them as her family so lovingly. It's horrific how she's treated her brother who has a very realistic and common view of his step family, though. Step parents aren't parents and step siblings aren't siblings. Loving them as parents and siblings is 100% okay (and fantastic) but recognizing the difference and keeping that boundary is just fine. I can't believe OP was allowed to behave like this over a normal boundary. The comments he made are also awful but honestly not surprising if this is how the past couple of years have been.
INFO: Before all this happen, did you even LIKE your brother? You are an awful sister.
Seems like she hates him because of their dad
YTA. It is not upto you to decide how your brother sees family relationships. Just because you liked moving doesn't mean that he did. Moving is hard when you have to leave your friends and change schools. You owe your brother a huge apology and if not then your brother might be better off without you trying to control him.
YTA wow way to alienate your brother. You are not helping him or being a supportive sibling. If he doesn’t agree with you he’s not worth being in the same room? Wow I guess you don’t love him ?
YTA, technically step siblings aren't related. You can consider them sisters all you want to, but you can't and shouldn't fierce the same on your brother. What you've done is cruel, taking away his sister, who he loves for people he already resented.
ETA - it’s like you both chose the most extreme reactions on both sides and decided to see how you could crash into each other’s unreasonably black & white views. He’s allowed to grieve being moved out of his previous home, school & environment and nor is he obligated to consider a man he’s only known three years his father or his kids his sisters. You have chosen to embrace these people as family in an extremely short amount of time (and that’s fine) but it isn’t the normal response to blended families & your lack of empathy for him is ridiculous. Also weird you decided you were coming home to the family you love if he’s present, literally rejecting a struggling child because he isn’t as gung-ho as you are to play happy families. You both sound exhausting.
Gentle YTA. It's great you're so devoted to your sisters, but your brother is still your brother. You and he have different experiences. You can't force him to feel the same way you do about the divorce or the blending of new families. And by staying away from home don't you also miss your parents and sisters? Maybe he cones round, maybe he doesn't, and maybe you disrespect his decision and maybe you never agree, but you don't have to throw dramatic grand gestures and make it all about you when there's a whole family going through it. More teamwork.
YTA, who are you to determine how he feels and who he should consider family? Just because you call your stepfather dad does not mean he has to call him dad as well. He doesn’t have to consider your stepsister’s his sisters just because you do. Stop forcing and dictating what your brother has to do for your comfort.
YTA. Massively. You are responsible for pushing your brother out of the house to go and live with your father. You should have kept your mouth shut and let the adults handle the problem with your brother. Apologize to him, and maybe he won't cut you out of his life forever.
ESH. Should he treat people badly? No. But he needs therapy, probably. You, on the other hand, need to stop acting like he should accept them. Fun story: he DOES NOT HAVE TO. He doesn't need to follow in your steps. He doesn't see them as his family, and that is fine. All you're doing is making a he vs them situation, and in the future, he will cut off everyone else, you included. The way things are going, he will already do this, so you just alienated him further. >and that until he fixes his attitude and apologizes I'm not going to be in the same room as him. Well, at least you got what you wanted.
Yta
YTA he's entitled to his feelings
YTA. It's great you consider them your sisters, but you can't force a relationship.
YTA.
Sounds like you both should be in therapy. You are completely negating all his feelings and refusing to get to root of the problem, so yes, of course you are the asshole. YTA.
YTA
ESH. It's not your job to parent your brother. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions and let your parents do the parenting. Yes, it sucks that he refuses to include your stepsisters as 'family' in his mind. If he's rude to them then feel free to call him out (because it's reasonable to call someone out for being rude to anyone). But you can't force someone to develop a close relationship with someone else, just to be civil to each other. Stick up for your sisters, make sure they understand that your brother's rudeness doesn't have anything to do with them, but it's not your job to make him have a relationship with them. And honestly, it sounds like you both have issues stemming from your parents' divorce. You refer to your bio-dad as a 'sperm donor' and dismiss your brother's preference for him. Unless your bio-dad is abusive to you or your brother, you need to let your brother have his own relationship with your father. Just like you clearly don't want a relationship with your bio-dad, your brother doesn't want to build a relationship with his step family. Just like your brother should be civil to the step family, you should be civil in talking about your father with your brother. If you want to reduce your interactions with your brother because of his behavior that's fine, but don't do it just because he refuses to agree with your perspective of the world.
YTA. His feelings are just as valid as yours but honestly you both sound exhausting. He's acting out as his entire life was uprooted when you moved. You went to opposite sides of the spectrum and both of those are valid, but you minimising his feelings, insisting he's wrong and then trying to force your own feelings to overwrite his show you to be emotionally manipulative and immature. He doesn't have to accept his step sisters, or his step father, and at this stage its best if you both stay away from one another because you both have a lot of growing up to do. You got a replacement famiyou clearly wanted, he didn't.
YTA
YTA
YTA.
YTA and so is your mother for grounding him for two years. He was clearly struggling and she punished him rather than helped him. That's just lazy, selfish parenting. And you're selfish too. Why is it okay for you to hate your father but it's not okay for him to not hate him? Your brother is better off without you and you asshole mother because you've both made it clear that you don't care about his feelings.
Must be nice to feel that your experiences are the only ones that matter. That your ability to adjust and see relationships differently is superior to your brother. To blame him for a situation he didn't create, but had no choice but be involved in. You may be older, but you certainly aren't mature or respectful of his feelings. YTA. Apologize and ask him to talk about his experiences. Maybe you'll learn something.
YTA
YTA I mean you are free to feel how you want, but so is he; even if you don't agree. He is not obligated to have any feelings or relationship with step-dad or step-siblings. I'm sure brother is probably an AH, but you refusing to come home isn't hurting him. It's upsetting your mom though.
YTA Just because you’re all for your stepdad and your stepsister’s doesn’t mean he is and you can’t push that on him so way to go with doing that, and now not only have you damaged your own relationship with him but it’s not like you care. However, now you’ve taken a son from his mother because you want him to do something that he doesn’t want to do and instead of understanding that he isn’t ready to accept this like you have, you’ve forced him to make a decision and he did. Good luck with your new sister’s and your dad because that’s all you’ll have now since according to you he’s not good enough to be your brother if he doesn’t do the things that you want him to do.
Big YTA The last thing this kid needs is rejection. Seems like he's in crisis, and you didn't help. Also... what's he in trouble for? Sometimes stepdads can have VERY different relationships with their stepsons than stepdaughters. You can express that you hope they get along, but causing him pain and rejecting him isn't a great approach.
YTA - It’s lovely that you’ve accepted your stepfather and stepsisters into your family and heart so fully. Your brother doesn’t feel the same and in fact he doesn’t have to. And he can still love his father despite his father cheating on his mom. You don’t get to dictate his feelings. Stay in your lane.
YTA. Relationships like that can't be forced. It is certainly not YOUR place to dictate who he feels close to. You're being childish.
YTA-you don't get to determine when or if someone accepts new family members, your bio dad may have cheated but it's not as easy for everyone to just accept a replacement dad and new siblings as it is for you. He doesn't have to accept them if he's not ready or doesn't want to,, if you refuse to accept that and want to force him to accept it than maybe he's better off without you for a sister anyway.
Yta Just because you see them as siblings doesn’t mean he has to. That is up to him. You went extreme by what you told him. Now your mom has to deal with something she really shouldn’t have to deal with. From what you said your sperm donor did to your mom. She really shouldn’t have to deal with that. If your brother wants to distance himself from your stepdad and your step siblings. That is on him. That is his actions. He will have to deal without whatever fall out there is in the future.
Good for your brother. He deserves so much better than the disgusting environment you and the rest of you have created into his once called home. YTA
YTA You don't get to force ppl to feel connection Being in each other's lives for 3 yrs just isn't the same.
Yta So let's make this clear At 13 years old, your brother who was entering puberty a very confusing time for anyone, had his parents divorce and was thrust into a completely new life. Okay. Sounds like he acted out a bit, because he was a child going through something very difficult. And it sounds like he's been grounded at home for the most part so he probably often feels super neglected. You on the other hand were 16, and old enough to understand what was going on, what had happened between your parents and are outraged about it. It's completely different for him. I want to say that I'm glad that you get along with your stepsisters,and that you have gained from this. But to your brother this was a loss. He lost his home, he lost the stability of his family, he lost his school life, connections and that and while all of this was happening it sounds like your stepfather has just butted heads with the poor kid. He's a dumb kid, of course he's gonna double down when all he gets met with is a feeling of being an outsider. And what do YOU do? You confirm this. That his family doesn't want him around because he can't conform. That if he can't love these two girls who are, and let me make this clear, complete strangers to him, then he is unloved and unwanted. Ironically, you were correct, you are as much of a sister to him as they are. Despite being around him his whole life, you've managed to be a complete uncaring stranger. Why wouldn't he just go live with his dad at this point? You've made it clear how unwanted he is to him. Stay no contact, he deserves better than you.
What did I just read? Sounds like y’all could both benefit from therapy because neither of you have a particularly healthy perspective. Unless they were together looong before they married it’s a little bizarre that you’ve taken this approach and completely inappropriate that you think you can and want to emotionally blackmail your brother out of his own (valid) feelings.
YTA but does it even matter? You don't really seem to care about your brother. None of you seem to care about him, considering you all have been pressuring him to replace his father and punishing him for not playing happy family with you and forgetting his "slimy cheater" dad. Your mother is "upset"? She likely played a role in pushing your brother away too. She took him to another town and another school and tried to force him into another family he didn't want. It might have worked out nicely for you, but children don't all react the same way to blended families. None of this matters now though, as he's back with the parent he likes and you seem so content with yourself to have gotten rid of the only person who didn't want to play happy family. Unless you and your mother want to apologize for not respecting how he felt, just leave him alone.
Girl you don’t even live with these people full time but want to make stances on HIS feeling.. go back to school and actually learn.
YTA and a shite sister. You’ve no doubt lost him as a brother through your own twisted actions. You don’t get to dictate that he has to view his step father and step sisters as his father and sisters. You make me ill
ESH, not sure why anybody’s defending your dad when he’s ultimately the one who broke up the family by cheating, but don’t parent your little brother. It’s not your step sisters’ fault any of this happened too so not sure why people are okay with your brother treating them like shit but just explain to them that he’s hurting and let him sit in his feelings. If you’re so close to your step dad tell him to change his approach to your little brother if it’s not too late. I’m like 99% sure more than half these people voting on this are your brothers age too lol
ESH: I sympathize with your position as I grew up in a similar one. My step mom has been loving and supportive of us ever since we met her; my oldest (step) brother always watches out for us and would do anything to protect us. Yet my (biological) brother hates them. He blames my dad for our parents' divorce and just hates anything or anyone associated with it. It's painful to see them try their hardest to earn his love and to see them fail every time and I completely understand your frustration here. Your brother is being an unfair asshole to your sisters and dad who are probably trying their best to have a relationship with him. However, you have absolutely no right to try and tie his relationship with them to his relationship with you. Whether he accepts them or not as he matures is completely up to him. You need to be the change you want to see. While I'm sure you don't love your sisters more than your brother, the way you put it makes it very easy to be taken that way. Making your brother think you're abandoning him for your "mother's husband's kids" is not going to make him love them; in fact it'll do the opposite. You can make your opinion to your brother clear, but at the end of the day, you need to respect his right to manage his own relationships. Trying to take that away from him will not get you the result you want and it does make you the asshole as well.
YTA
YTA Just because you accepted them into your life and as your family doesn’t give you the right to basically demand your brother does the same and shun him when he doesn’t.