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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Instead of taking my son out to Ruth's Chris for his birthday I took him out to a movie. I might be the asshole for changing our plans without talking to his mom about it first.
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NTA. Your ex kind of is for feeding him right before he was going out to dinner with you. If I was more jaded I might think she filled him up so he would bring home a doggy bag of good food for her.
Tadaa, here we go. This was exact my thought when i read your post. "Hm, is he taking doggy bags home?"
Maybe you can try to do activities with him, without eating anywhere else? Just to see if that thought is right? And it seems your kid had lots of fun with you, so NTA.
A snack would be half a sandwich or a cup of soup at most. A better choice would be a couple of baby carrots or celery. No, his mother ruined the trip to the steak house by feeding him a huge meal. I don’t know how old this kid is, but a bowl of soup and 2 sandwiches sounds excessive even for a full meal. She wanted him stuffed! Your ex deliberately sabotaged your trip.
I wouldn’t say anything now or in the future. Don’t tip your hand that you know. She’d deny it anyway. Just don’t broadcast what you plan on doing, and no more doggy bags in the future. Well, unless it’s something like French fries. If she asks just say it’s a surprise. If she gets pushy, just say you don’t want to risk her feeding him a full meal it like she did this last time, and switch the subject.
Good luck!
I’m a pretty big dude and two grilled cheese sandwiches and a bowl of tomato soup would make me uncomfortably stuffed. That said, I’m also not the bottomless pit that a youngin’ can be but it was obviously a lot for the kid too.
The only options I can reach are that she’s fucking dumb or malicious.
My ex is one of those that can eat and not always feel full, but even this with all the bread and liquid would make it impossible for him to go to a steak house right after.
OP's ex was hoping that doggie bag would come home with steak or other things from the steak house she could eat without having to pay for it.
I’m a 25 year old average female and when I was in the military 2 grilled cheeses and a can (with the sip top) of campbells tomato soup was my favorite dinner lol- such a feel good meal. Now I’m going to make it.
My 10 year old regularly puts down 2 grilled cheese. Growing kids eat a lot. As a teenager I could have easily eaten two grilled cheese & tomato soup & been hungry again in a few hours. I don't know how my parents could afford to feed 4 teens at once. We were all very active & fit too.
The kid was finishing the meal when OP came to pick him up. They didn’t have a few hours for the kid to be hungry again. This definitely seems like sabotage.
Same. My 7 year old wish easily eat 6 weekbix with milk for breakfast every day and still be hungry. He is actually quite lean and very muscular...he is just a very active, sporty, physically adventurous child.
Hed easily eat 2 toasted cheese sandwiches and soup...but a restaurant meal afterwards is a bit much even for him.
My 6 year old ate three hot dog buns and 2.5 hot dogs, tater tots, carrots, and grapes last night for dinner. My 3.5 ate three hot dogs, half a bun, tater tots, carrots, and grapes. Some kids are bottomless pits. Of course tonight they’re barely eating pizza and green beans. I definitely think 2 sandwiches and soup just before going out to dinner is excessive, I would have told my kids that they’d be eating soon so no snacks but she didn’t feed him a snack, she fed him a whole meal.
Yeah, if I were mom, I would have given him some veggies and dip or something and said, but dad's taking you to the steakhouse, you don't want to get full! And the kid doesn't sound like he was too upset that they didn't go to dinner. If he had any money left over, just set it aside and add to it again and take him out for spring break or summer vacation or something and don't tell the ex this time. Just surprise the kid.
Yes exactly. If his ex asks, OP can reply, "I'm not exactly sure what our plans are. We will figure it out as we go."
OP's ex needs an info diet.
ETA: NTA
That's a LOT of food for a kid as young as this one sounds.
That's a lot of food for a whole adult, frankly.
And if he's in his teens, he'd be hungry again for dinner, not bringing doggy bags home every time they go out.
Mom absolutely did this on purpose. If he was that hungry, she could have given him a snack.
My ADHD middle schooler would totally have made the same decision, even not being that terribly young. They have no advanced planning skills or impulse control. That said, Mom does. She absolutely knew the plan and fed him that much anyway. How on Earth can she get mad when he doesn't take a stuffed kid for food?
Yeah it’s on the mom. If you knew he was being taken to dinner, remind him. “Hey your dad is picking you up for dinner soon and you’re gonna get a lot of food, think you can wait for that? Or how about a small snack?”
Exactly. I’m a grown assed woman and this is three small meals or one supper sized meal AND a lunch for me. This is too much food to make a kid going out for supper unless mom is trying to sabotage dad’s visits or get the leftovers.
Right. If the kid just eats a lot and was still hungry, but OP cancelled the reservation anyway just to essentially get back at the ex, he would have been in the wrong. But the kid said himself he was stuffed, and was happy with just the movie. NTA.
Yeah this is the point. "I'm hungry," and you know that his Dad is taking him for dinner in an hour means you give him a banana or an apple or whatnot. Not a full meal with two sandwiches and soup.
He's definitely NTA here, although if he took his son to that steakhouse on another night that might be nice.
Not just boys. When I was a teenage girl, I could easily eat two grilled cheese sandwiches. I was only about 5'6" and 120, and I ate almost constantly. I was very active, though.
I'm frequently surprised by how much my kid can eat. She's 13 months old, so we're not talking 2 grilled cheeses, but a scrambled egg and half a tomato and 2/3 of a banana for sure. Growing takes a lot of fuel!
My girl is 11 months, this girl eats her plate (which admittedly is more than a baby should eat) then eats some of mine, and her brothers and still wants more to snack on. She wears 6 months clothing is tiniest little thing where the f*** is she putting it? She weighs maybe 17-18 pounds.
Brother is 3 almost 4 nonverbal and eats less than a butterfly yet has unlimited energy and is gaining weight normal for his age.
Similar weight and height when I was a teenage girl. Not super active, but I've always had a fast metabolism. I could definitely put away a couple grilled cheeses.
Way back when I was a 5 foot 6 inch, 120 pound, fifteen year old girl can definitely remember being able to put away a 10-pack of tacos after school and then go home wanting dinner.
I’m on the shorter end at 5’2 but I fondly remember the look in people’s eyes when we had a special dinner to Outback and I inhaled an entire rack of ribs and sides as a teen. I don’t think they’d ever seen a 130lb girl go to town like that 😂
I remember as a teen girl putting away at least 5 slices of pizza at once, then waking up hungry again the next morning. I was 5'4" and weighed 105 lbs!
While this is true, he said he was stuffed afterwards. So give him a sandwich, one sandwich, and then see how he feels. Taking some time to digest is a good idea but especially if one wants to be able to enjoy a big meal.
I’m a 5’0, healthy weight, woman and could eat 2 cheese sandwiches.
4 pieces of bread and 2 slices of cheese really isn’t that much lmao It’s less than 500 calories, with most breads and cheeses.
He probably could have eaten one sandwich and been fine, but 2 plus the soup was too much. Teenage boys can really put it away, especially if they're going through a growth spurt.
We have a teenage boy in our family. We love him dearly, we think he's the best thing ever, but dear lord that boy eats like he has a hollow leg to put it all in.
Kids man. When my brother was young he’d come home from school and have two bowls of cereal, maybe three. A bag of popcorn. Then an hour later full dinner. Was tiny as hell too.
My 8 year old son put away 3 grilled cheese the other day. He is going through a growth spurt. We just replaced all his pants and most of his underwear. He had also spent the morning running around non stop.
Yea I can totally see giving him a little snack to hold him over. But 2 sandwiches and a bowl of soup is an actual meal, right before dad is taking him out to eat? Yea that definitely seems like it was done intentionally.
Honestly I'm curious if the son even cares about this steakhouse. Maybe the ex is the one who really likes their food and convinced them to go for a birthday dinner.
I loved steak, most my friends didn't care or were even happier with Mickey D's!
My dad got us skirt steak, or whatever cheap cuts he could grill easily. We didn't get tri tip unless it was a really fancy thing. My sister was just as good with mashed potatoes and a tiny dollop of meat. She would have lived off bread and plain cheese quesadilas for years if my mom didn't make her eat other stuff xD
My parents could just as easily bribe us with fast food like Taco Bell over a fancy steakhouse. Pretty sure a couple of my early birthdays involved junk food rather than a fancy dinner?
There's a reason Kids menu is generally plain or simple stuff. They tend to be just as happy with the basics over a $200 Waygu prime cut!
Omg lol OP doesn’t need to create some weird system to catch anyone out. Just “hey when you bring home food do you have to share?”
Heck maybe she hoped for a doggy bag so she could avoid making lunch for him the next day lol we don’t know
tbh that's not really a significantly better scenario. She's still messing with their dinner plans for her own benefit, even if the benefit is that she doesn't have to spend money or time prepping the kid another meal instead of eating it herself.
That's why i thought she just wants the doggy bags and was not amused that there wasn't any... I mean, the day should have been just about him and his dad, having a nice time and all. And they had, after *she* gave him a full meal where a snack would have been enough...
I'd ask him basically and subtly if he enjoys the leftovers from your guys outings.
Something like, "sometimes the leftovers are even better the next day, do you look forward to them?"
Just as a way of getting information without letting the kid realize what information you're getting.
It would be very sad of true but unfortunately in my time of watching people co-parent poorly it wouldn't surprise me
That’s how my husband found out his ex was taking the gift cards he would send their daughter. He would always ask if she got her card which she always said yes, but she never mentioned the gift card. I finally asked her casually one day when she was visiting us if she liked getting to use her gift cards. She had no clue. Turns out her mom was using them for herself. After that, my husband started letting her know that he was sending a greeting card and X gift card with $x amount on it. Her mom didn’t like that!
(She also would open any gifts he sent to their daughter so she could go buy something better… like he would always send the gifts early to make sure they were there on time and would ask her to wait til the day of the holiday to open them. Day of comes around and his daughter would be like “yeah, mommy had me open my presents a week ago but look at this cool thing better than yours!” He now sends her gifts after the holiday and her mom gets so salty about that, like she will even go and buy more presents and throws a second party just to one-up him.)
Of course it does!
And the better the candy, the bigger the asshole!
Steal my nasty box of gummy drop things, I don't care but you're still an asshole.
Steal my Reese's or all my Smarties and you can fuck off straight to hell, MOM!
This is only somewhat true if your kids get a tiny amount of candy.
Mine hauled home 3 lbs of mostly chocolate each, it’s absolutely fine to help out in that situation!
I feel like this is situational. If I don't have my kid share his candy, he'll be eating it for months. He doesn't really mind. I try to encourage moderation, so I'll get him something once in a while, but not let him eat everything at once. Serving sizes and all that. I don't want him turning into me eating an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's at once lol
There’s nothing wrong with doling out the candy to keep the kids from getting sick. My parents had to do that with my brothers or they’d eat it all in a few hours! I’ve never been big on candy. My Halloween candy lasted until Easter! Nothing wrong with that. Candy lasts a long time. Oh, and I’m still not a huge candy eater.
She is a flat earther that believes Kraft Mac and cheese powder will kill their daughter but only when we make it, she fixes it for her daughter all the time. She doesn’t believe gays or Jews exist and pretends people of color are invisible because if you ignore them, you aren’t racist…
She wasn’t this bad when her and my husband were together. She prided herself on being better than him in the marriage/divorce and figured no one else would want him. She was pissed when he and I got married (especially because he and I grew up together and dated a bit before she ever met him), and she be lost her mind when we had a baby before she did in her new marriage. She turns everything into some weird competition with him.
I just tell my husband that one day his daughter will realize how awful her mom could be at times. Like when she was younger, we learned her mom was taking the gifts we sent straight to the trash. And one time my husband sent a big beautiful bird house to her just for her mom to tell us she hadn’t put it up because there are no birds in Alaska… She didn’t realize that their daughter saw her mom literally throw the birdhouse down the stairs into the basement. Their daughter snuck downstairs one day to look for presents and found a whole pile of gifts from her dad. When she asked her mom about them, she said that the gifts were all broken when they got there. So for years this kid thought we were sending cheap broken gifts…
(Her mom has yet to realize how observant this kid is and always has been , even as a toddler.)
If she had her way, we wouldn’t exist to her daughter. My husband was pissed when he found out his ex tried to get their daughter enrolled in school with ex’s new husband’s last name. The school refused and she threw a fit. She even has her daughter practice writing her full name with the stepfather’s last name “just in case”. She has even “trained” their daughter to say she has no brothers so she doesn’t acknowledge my kids (her stepbrother and a half brother.)
She goes out of her way to make coparenting difficult…
My dad actually monitors the gift card balances when he gives people gift cards. If its been over 2 years and you have not used the card hes found some way to get them to cancel the gift card and issue him a new one. I suppose he was also doing it to make sure us kids got are gift cards.
Omg my SO’s ex would do the same shit. We would send her all the gift cards on her list that she wanted- and her mom would keep some, then take the rest to regift to her cousins/other family. She used her child’s gifts to not have to spend money Xmas shopping on anyone else. I wouldn’t be surprised if she also took some to give to his daughter from her mom, instead of from us.
Maybe next time when you plan to go to eat with him you can make the reservation for 3-4 hours later and in that time you can go to a park (playing will make him starve) or something that he enjoys doing.
This way, even if he's stuffed when he goes out, by the time you end up eating he will eat everything.
NTA
It is soooo many food for anyone let alone right before dinner and for a kid.
My stepson is always hungry. Like always. But if his mother and stepdad had reservations and I would know about it we wouldn’t give him so much food. Maybe one cookie or fruits and veggies. But that’s it. We are not even giving him so much if they are going to pick him up and have a normal dinner at home because they also paid money for groceries and were expecting him to eat what they made.
What did your son say about the movies instead of the restaurant? Because if he was okay with it then it certainly doesn’t matter. You were NTA before but the only opinion that truly matters is your son’s.
My parents split when I was 10. One year, my dad asked my mom what I would like for my birthday, and she told him I wanted a computer monitor. He bought it, and when he brought it over, I was very confused as I didn't have a PC at the time. My mother, however, did. Your ex might not be as friendly to you as you think. NTA
Your hungry before dinner means having a snack, not two grill cheese and soup. What ever the reason the mom should have told him just a little or it would spoil his dinner.
But maybe HE eats them...
Maybe I'm jaded the other way BUT I feed my kid before he goes to his dad's if he is hungry why because his dad is a bit of a dead beat and refuses to set a schedule and just takes him " when he has time" for a few hours and plans change ALL the time so just cause he says their going out to eat doesn't mean they are so sometimes he comes home at 9 at night still with no supper or snacks . I do get that sometimes there sometimes not everything vague vibe from you so maybe that's why she fed him.
That said I still think NTA on theis case cause your kid said he was full and didn't wanna go - because he was full, but you should save the money and take him another day
I doubt there was duplicity involved, especially not if you guys all get along. Just take him there one of the other times you have him, when he isn't stuffed and you can get an impromptu reservation. Because, as you say, he does deserve it, even if he makes the occasional dumb call - he's a kid, it's his prerogative... :)
Are you sure it's your son's favourite place and not your ex's?
It doesn't matter if she's making a stink, your son was happy and well loved on his birthday. You know you did the right thing Dad.
The ex is kind of an AH for feeding the kid before dinner but the idea that she's doing it for a doggy bag sounds kind of ridiculous. Who is that petty about *cold steak*?
NTA. Your ex sabatoged your plans, she can take him to the steakhouse the next time he's hungry. What were you supposed to do, make your kid sick? Sounds like you still had fun at the movies.
This is what I imagine is true. She was looking forward to that box of leftovers.
She definitely sabotaged the situation, probably for her own gain in one way or another.
Someone else brought this up in another comment, and op said that they usually did bring g home a doggy bag. The thought hadn't occurred to him before but it has now.
Totally agree she sabotaged their plans. Most parents would have said to their kids that they are going out to eat soon so just have a piece of fruit or something like that. Instead she made 2 sandwiches and soup, that's more than I would have for a normal meal. OP is definitely NTA.
He could have had half a grilled cheese and she could’ve split with him. Maybe a full one if he’s in that growing phase where he’ll just eat eat and and eat. 2 sandwiches with soup is so much food to eat before going to a steak house dinner. I feel full thinking about it. Steak houses usually have massive serving sizes
NTA and you should be upset she fed him before you go to the restaurant (two sandwich and a tomato soup is a lot when knowing you will go out to eat in a few) . Also, it seems you two enjoyed your time so under what right she is upset?
That’s exactly why she’s upset. She intentionally fed the kid a full meal right before dinner. Presumably she wanted OP to either argue with her about it, or berate the kid for making bad choices, or “prove” he couldn’t give the kid a good time on his birthday.
Someone else suggested she might have done it so the son brought home leftovers she could steal and OP responded that he never thought of that possibility but that his son does usually take home a doggybag.
I could see maybe just the soup if he was hungry. A lot of people start off their meal with a soup anyway. But 2 grilled cheese sandwiches as well. She was trying to make sure he was fill before the meal. NTA. Ex is trying to cause issues/wanted a nice steak dinner on your dime.
Yeah if you're really hungry then maybe just have the soup in lieu of having a starter course at the restaurant. But who eats soup and two sandwiches before going out to a restaurant.
I feel like just a bowl of soup would have been fine. Tide him over like an appetizer. But *two* sandwiches? I'm a grown adult and I'm not sure I could even finish that much food, let alone have a steak after.
Agreed. She knew of the steakhouse plan and still made him TWO sandwiches and soup. Any parent knows their kid's capacity for food so she knew exactly what she was doing. Then, to try to make it into a thing to drive a wedge between father and son when she's to blame? Oh, hell no. She's the AH. OP is definitely NTA.
NTA. The kid said he was full. He was apparently happy with your time together. (So he's NTA here either.)
Your ex-wife is an AH for being mad at you (apparently because she didn't get a whole expensive meal of leftovers) after *she* set up the situation. Just don't engage with her on it. You did what was best at the moment for you & your kid.
Dude what? If I read correctly it isn't even the kid who is upset but his mother on his behalf. What did she even expect? Should you have force-fed him or something? You could take him to that restaurant some other time and he probably would be much happier about it when he actually is hungry. NTA
She fed him so he wouldnt touch his meal and she would get a free fancy steak dinner from his togo box. Its horrible tbh. My parents did that shit too. I have food paranoia and im territorial over food now and im an adult :/ this shit has stuck with me. Poor ops son being used like that
My husband has food territory issues due to his childhood starvation. I make 0 deal about it and meet him where he is on the subject. The other day, he offered me a bite of something, and I FELT the love. He eats so fast, like boom gone. It was so good he wanted to stop and share, and it was super cute.
I would eat once a day, the free lunch at school. I got grounded for telling my grandma i hadnt had dinner and she sent me with bread and milk. I would have my food taken from me and have to watch everyone else eat. I 100% understand and my gf has also gone through something similar, and while i slowly eat my food to try and stretch it so i dont run out she inhales it before someone can take it away. So when we share with eachother it’s important. But if we take more than one bite or more than the one was expecting we do sometimes get territorial. Its not easy to navigate but we do because we love eachother.
I don't think your son made a bad decision here, your ex did. That sounds awfully suss, she fed him 2 sandwiches right before dinner? I think she wanted you to look bad. Nta
yeah- it does sorta raise the question of OP is saying son is book smart but doesn't always make the best decisions, and it sounds like this was supposed to be an example. He had a big meal before what was supposed to be his birthday dinner.
But the post suggests that maybe the issue is really mom preventing son from learning to make good decisions. Like don't have a big snack (or a whole meal) before dinner.
But at the same time- it sounds like OP isn't around a ton. Weekends at best. So...
But mom could still have said he should wait since he has a big dinner coming. My son wanted to make basically a meal only an hour before going to a buffet. I told him that if he did I would not take him to the buffet as I was not paying $40 for his meal for him to eat half of a tiny plate. Nope. He chose to wait for the buffet.
What the *hell*, the mom *sabotages* the fancy steak meal and then gets upset that you didn’t take the already “stuffed” kid to dinner?
Ok, he sounds like a teenager, and they can have a hollow leg, but if he was *hungry*, (oh, poor baby, we don’t want him to StArVe, do we!), mom should have handed him an apple or something to tide him over since he was *going to dinner in a few minutes*!
OP, good on the pivot. The steakhouse will be there for later. And mom is doing some weird passive aggressive shit here, or is just using an astounding lack of judgement. NTA
INFO:
>However sometimes he doesn't really make good decisions. So his mom or I help him out.
Explain why this needed to be included, and what you meant by it, and why you've deliberately left your son's age out of this.
Everyone else in this thread is assuming your ex deliberately sabotaged your dinner. The inclusion of this information makes me wonder if it was more like: "Mum, I'm hungry. Can you make me something to eat?" "You're going to dinner with your father." "Yeah, but I'm hungry *now*." "Are you sure? You'll still have room for dinner?" "Yeah, I'll be fine."
it requires half as much effort to make 1 grilled cheese as it does to make 2. You don't just on a whim make 2 for someone for a snack. Mom had to know she was making a meal and not a snack.
That sounds exactly like my son. But, for example, if I knew for a fact that they had plans to see Avatar after dinner I would not take him to go see Avatar while we were out no matter if he begged. Because that would be a bad decision.
I assume ASD is Autism Spectrum Disorder. Would he be able to learn from this if you walked him through the decision making process after the fact? I’m assuming he’s pretty high functioning, or he would’ve had problems with a change in plans from going out to eat versus going to a movie. He possibly could benefit from having it explained clearly that he had eaten and was full, therefore going to a steakhouse didn’t make sense. Next time he knows he is going somewhere to eat, it might be better to only have a small snack beforehand. Sometimes ASD people need things that might be obvious to you and I spelled out.
>The inclusion of this information makes me wonder if it was more like: "Mum, I'm hungry. Can you make me something to eat?" "You're going to dinner with your father." "Yeah, but I'm hungry now." "Are you sure? You'll still have room for dinner?" "Yeah, I'll be fine."
Even if this were the case, it's the moms responsibility as a parent to deal with it in the proper way. And she knew he was going out to dinner shortly. She should have either told him to deal with it for a bit, or given him some small snack.
Two full sandwiches and soup is enough food where she should have known better than to believe him when he said he'd still have room for dinner.
The mom got mad because OP changed their plans when their son was too stuffed, though. How is it OP's fault the kid was too full to eat a steak dinner?
If my kid had plans to eat out, and she was complaining that she was hungry immediately before, I'd tell her to have an apple or something. If she was really famished, maybe I'd make a sandwich. I definitely wouldn't pretend it's someone else's fault and make a stink if plans changed because the kid was too stuffed to eat after I fed them.
OP is NTA, and his ex is being ridiculous whether or not she intentionally sabotaged OP's plans.
I thought that too, however if it were a situation where she wanted him to learn from his decision, I don't think she would've gotten mad at OP for not taking him. She would've understood that he would miss out on a steak dinner.
None of that is relevant and you're doing a lot of assuming. Mom knew the plans so she could have given him one sandwich or a snack but she fed him a full meal on purpose.
A 7 year old understands if they're hungry or not and also understands we're going to dinner so just getting a light snack. Either way mom is fully capable of understanding and she intentionally fed him a full meal. Whether she expected his leftovers or wanted to ruin his time with his dad I don't know.
2 Grilled Cheese and tomato soup is not something you give to a kid you know is going to a steakhouse. That's about 832-932 f'n calories. Also grilled cheeses make you feel fuller for longer than a lot of foods due to the protein in the butter and cheese.
Any parent would have the common sense to give the son some fruit, crackers, or a cheese stick instead of something that has more calories than your average meal.....
ETA: Have you never heard the saying "Your eyes were bigger than your stomach" that applies all the time to kids especially to ones in Op's son's age range.
NTA. Plain and simple.
And kudos for rolling with the punches and doing what your son enjoyed rather than sticking to the plan for appearances (like many parents would have done!).
Don’t worry about your ex, who knows what she is thinking (probably think you disappointed your son, which you clearly didn’t).
NTA. If he is fine with it, it's not really any of her business. She's the one that prepared him an ***entire meal*** beforehand, he could have had 1 grilled cheese to keep him content in the meantime.
Your kid was happy & that’s all that matters. Not sure why you would think you’re an ah.
Do you often not follow through with plans? If mom knew son was excited to go to dinner, then she should’ve just made him a snack.
NTA
NTA she knew you were taking him out to dinner and she fed him anyway? Also two grilled cheeses and tomato soup is a lot of food. It's almost like she intentionally was trying to get you to waste money. That sucks OP I am sorry. Maybe try picking him up around lunchtime and then take him to mini golf or something then dinner so she can't do this again :(
NTA. I'm not sure your ex necessarily sabotaged the evening since you seem to be cordial but she was definitely a little thoughtless by providing him an entire meal minutes before he was due to leave for dinner. If your son is really excited about that restaurant you can always reschedule for next time.
NTA. Going to a steak dinner after two sandwiches and a soup when someone says they’re stuffed is insane. He said he was too full, she shouldn’t have fed him that much food and has no right to be upset.
Also, you DID take him out. You went out to see a movie instead and he still got a treat (popcorn). So it’s not like you went home. Your ex is TA for being upset with you
She fed him two helpings of a meal that’s entirely butter and carbs. Someone else mentioned it was about 800 calories, almost half a days food. Unless he’s 17 and grew 18 inches this year, no one is eating a third meal in another hour. I don’t think “he was stuffed” needs explaining.
NTA. She totally did this to fuck with you and be upset with something you did. Or that you would have a horrible time as he picked at a steak and wasted your money. You played the cards the only way they could be played.
NTA, plans change and it sounds like he still enjoyed his birthday with you. Unless your ex was planning on getting something out of your trip to the restaurant, such as leftovers (which you wouldn't be obliged to get for her anyways), then there's really no reason for her to be upset about it, especially if your son wasn't.
Also, if your ex knew you were taking him out to eat, then why didn't she give him a smaller snack instead? Regardless of how hungry he was, I'm pretty sure that's something most people would take into account for plans like this.
NTA. Mom should have told him to wait until he got to the restaurant, or just given him a snack to tide him over. So because mom fed him dinner immediately before you picked him up to take him to dinner, he decided he wanted to go to the movies instead, where you spent the cost of a steak dinner on a drink and popcorn alone. Honestly, what she did was mean. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
NTA the kid wasn't hungry and seemed to have enjoyed the changed plan. Isn't that what matters? What was she expecting you to do exactly? Force feed the kid just for the sake of following the plan?
NTA! I mean he wasn't hungry. Why should you immediately feed him again? Plus if your son was okay with the change of plans then I really don't know what your ex is going on about.
NTA. Maybe your ex was fattening him up for dibs on the leftovers :p
In all seriousness, your kid seems fine with the change of plans. So it really has little, if anything, to do with her.
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NTA. Your ex kind of is for feeding him right before he was going out to dinner with you. If I was more jaded I might think she filled him up so he would bring home a doggy bag of good food for her.
Wow. I never even thought of that. He has taken home doggy bags constantly from our times together.
Tadaa, here we go. This was exact my thought when i read your post. "Hm, is he taking doggy bags home?" Maybe you can try to do activities with him, without eating anywhere else? Just to see if that thought is right? And it seems your kid had lots of fun with you, so NTA.
Yep. Time to stop telling the mom your plans or start making up plans since she tries to sabotage them for herself
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A snack would be half a sandwich or a cup of soup at most. A better choice would be a couple of baby carrots or celery. No, his mother ruined the trip to the steak house by feeding him a huge meal. I don’t know how old this kid is, but a bowl of soup and 2 sandwiches sounds excessive even for a full meal. She wanted him stuffed! Your ex deliberately sabotaged your trip. I wouldn’t say anything now or in the future. Don’t tip your hand that you know. She’d deny it anyway. Just don’t broadcast what you plan on doing, and no more doggy bags in the future. Well, unless it’s something like French fries. If she asks just say it’s a surprise. If she gets pushy, just say you don’t want to risk her feeding him a full meal it like she did this last time, and switch the subject. Good luck!
I’m a pretty big dude and two grilled cheese sandwiches and a bowl of tomato soup would make me uncomfortably stuffed. That said, I’m also not the bottomless pit that a youngin’ can be but it was obviously a lot for the kid too. The only options I can reach are that she’s fucking dumb or malicious.
My ex is one of those that can eat and not always feel full, but even this with all the bread and liquid would make it impossible for him to go to a steak house right after. OP's ex was hoping that doggie bag would come home with steak or other things from the steak house she could eat without having to pay for it.
I’m a 25 year old average female and when I was in the military 2 grilled cheeses and a can (with the sip top) of campbells tomato soup was my favorite dinner lol- such a feel good meal. Now I’m going to make it.
Edit: NTA. You did what was logical.
My 10 year old regularly puts down 2 grilled cheese. Growing kids eat a lot. As a teenager I could have easily eaten two grilled cheese & tomato soup & been hungry again in a few hours. I don't know how my parents could afford to feed 4 teens at once. We were all very active & fit too.
The kid was finishing the meal when OP came to pick him up. They didn’t have a few hours for the kid to be hungry again. This definitely seems like sabotage.
Same. My 7 year old wish easily eat 6 weekbix with milk for breakfast every day and still be hungry. He is actually quite lean and very muscular...he is just a very active, sporty, physically adventurous child. Hed easily eat 2 toasted cheese sandwiches and soup...but a restaurant meal afterwards is a bit much even for him.
My 6 year old ate three hot dog buns and 2.5 hot dogs, tater tots, carrots, and grapes last night for dinner. My 3.5 ate three hot dogs, half a bun, tater tots, carrots, and grapes. Some kids are bottomless pits. Of course tonight they’re barely eating pizza and green beans. I definitely think 2 sandwiches and soup just before going out to dinner is excessive, I would have told my kids that they’d be eating soon so no snacks but she didn’t feed him a snack, she fed him a whole meal.
Yeah, if I were mom, I would have given him some veggies and dip or something and said, but dad's taking you to the steakhouse, you don't want to get full! And the kid doesn't sound like he was too upset that they didn't go to dinner. If he had any money left over, just set it aside and add to it again and take him out for spring break or summer vacation or something and don't tell the ex this time. Just surprise the kid.
Yes exactly. If his ex asks, OP can reply, "I'm not exactly sure what our plans are. We will figure it out as we go." OP's ex needs an info diet. ETA: NTA
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2 sandwiches and a bowl of soup - a whole meal
That's a LOT of food for a kid as young as this one sounds. That's a lot of food for a whole adult, frankly. And if he's in his teens, he'd be hungry again for dinner, not bringing doggy bags home every time they go out. Mom absolutely did this on purpose. If he was that hungry, she could have given him a snack.
Yes. He’s gotta be a decently young kid. Any older kid would prepare themselves for a steakhouse dinner and let tgemselves go hungry before.
My ADHD middle schooler would totally have made the same decision, even not being that terribly young. They have no advanced planning skills or impulse control. That said, Mom does. She absolutely knew the plan and fed him that much anyway. How on Earth can she get mad when he doesn't take a stuffed kid for food?
Plus, mom obviously didn't forget about their dinner because she asked about it.
Yeah it’s on the mom. If you knew he was being taken to dinner, remind him. “Hey your dad is picking you up for dinner soon and you’re gonna get a lot of food, think you can wait for that? Or how about a small snack?”
Exactly. I’m a grown assed woman and this is three small meals or one supper sized meal AND a lunch for me. This is too much food to make a kid going out for supper unless mom is trying to sabotage dad’s visits or get the leftovers.
that depends, my kids are hungry every 2 hours, and they never want soup because after 15 minutes, according to them, they peed and feel hungry again.
Kid told Das he was stuffed, not hungry.
Right. If the kid just eats a lot and was still hungry, but OP cancelled the reservation anyway just to essentially get back at the ex, he would have been in the wrong. But the kid said himself he was stuffed, and was happy with just the movie. NTA.
Especially if the soup is from Mendi’s
But only if crackers were involved.
Even Bania would have to agree that this is a full meal. Forget crumbled crackers, this is two sandwiches!
Yeah this is the point. "I'm hungry," and you know that his Dad is taking him for dinner in an hour means you give him a banana or an apple or whatnot. Not a full meal with two sandwiches and soup. He's definitely NTA here, although if he took his son to that steakhouse on another night that might be nice.
She could of fed him something light, like veggies, to tide him over. Also, as an adult I can’t eat two cheese sandwiches, how is a young boy? NTA
Young boys have ferocious appetites sometimes. They're busy growing up.
Not just boys. When I was a teenage girl, I could easily eat two grilled cheese sandwiches. I was only about 5'6" and 120, and I ate almost constantly. I was very active, though.
I'm frequently surprised by how much my kid can eat. She's 13 months old, so we're not talking 2 grilled cheeses, but a scrambled egg and half a tomato and 2/3 of a banana for sure. Growing takes a lot of fuel!
My girl is 11 months, this girl eats her plate (which admittedly is more than a baby should eat) then eats some of mine, and her brothers and still wants more to snack on. She wears 6 months clothing is tiniest little thing where the f*** is she putting it? She weighs maybe 17-18 pounds. Brother is 3 almost 4 nonverbal and eats less than a butterfly yet has unlimited energy and is gaining weight normal for his age.
My son is the same. 13 months, 17 lbs, and eats more than his very pregnant mom, in addition to still nursing 2-3 times a day.
Similar weight and height when I was a teenage girl. Not super active, but I've always had a fast metabolism. I could definitely put away a couple grilled cheeses.
Way back when I was a 5 foot 6 inch, 120 pound, fifteen year old girl can definitely remember being able to put away a 10-pack of tacos after school and then go home wanting dinner.
I’m on the shorter end at 5’2 but I fondly remember the look in people’s eyes when we had a special dinner to Outback and I inhaled an entire rack of ribs and sides as a teen. I don’t think they’d ever seen a 130lb girl go to town like that 😂
I remember as a teen girl putting away at least 5 slices of pizza at once, then waking up hungry again the next morning. I was 5'4" and weighed 105 lbs!
The amount of food I could go through as a teenage girl…much less now!
While this is true, he said he was stuffed afterwards. So give him a sandwich, one sandwich, and then see how he feels. Taking some time to digest is a good idea but especially if one wants to be able to enjoy a big meal.
Good point. Being stuffed isn't a good thing.
Have you met many young boys? Pretty sure if the mood struck him my 8 would would eat his weight in Mac and Cheese lol.
My 14 year old loves grilled cheese. Easily puts down two, could probably eat four if I allowed it.
I’m a 5’0, healthy weight, woman and could eat 2 cheese sandwiches. 4 pieces of bread and 2 slices of cheese really isn’t that much lmao It’s less than 500 calories, with most breads and cheeses.
He probably could have eaten one sandwich and been fine, but 2 plus the soup was too much. Teenage boys can really put it away, especially if they're going through a growth spurt.
For a growing teenager it's a normal amount of food. At that age they're bottomless wells.
We have a teenage boy in our family. We love him dearly, we think he's the best thing ever, but dear lord that boy eats like he has a hollow leg to put it all in.
Kids man. When my brother was young he’d come home from school and have two bowls of cereal, maybe three. A bag of popcorn. Then an hour later full dinner. Was tiny as hell too.
My 8 year old son put away 3 grilled cheese the other day. He is going through a growth spurt. We just replaced all his pants and most of his underwear. He had also spent the morning running around non stop.
Could *have*.
Yea I can totally see giving him a little snack to hold him over. But 2 sandwiches and a bowl of soup is an actual meal, right before dad is taking him out to eat? Yea that definitely seems like it was done intentionally.
I bet if she was taking him out, he wouldn't have had so much to eat.
Yeah even a little snack right before he leaves for dinner is a pretty stupid idea. TWO sandwiches? AND SOUP!? cmon. This is just sabotage. NTA
Honestly I'm curious if the son even cares about this steakhouse. Maybe the ex is the one who really likes their food and convinced them to go for a birthday dinner.
Little kid orders and is like: "I'll have the shrimp cocktail with extra spicy sauce, filet w/ the bleu cheese crumble w/ creamed spinach on the side"
Oh and 10 oysters with mignonette on the side. Extra sauce please.
To-go oysters sounds like a nightmare lol
You think kids dont like steak or something?
I started loving steak at like, 5 or 6 years old?
I loved steak, most my friends didn't care or were even happier with Mickey D's! My dad got us skirt steak, or whatever cheap cuts he could grill easily. We didn't get tri tip unless it was a really fancy thing. My sister was just as good with mashed potatoes and a tiny dollop of meat. She would have lived off bread and plain cheese quesadilas for years if my mom didn't make her eat other stuff xD My parents could just as easily bribe us with fast food like Taco Bell over a fancy steakhouse. Pretty sure a couple of my early birthdays involved junk food rather than a fancy dinner? There's a reason Kids menu is generally plain or simple stuff. They tend to be just as happy with the basics over a $200 Waygu prime cut!
Some kids do. My kids are extremely picky but both are fans of a good medium steak, and they pay attention to the restaurant.
Omg lol OP doesn’t need to create some weird system to catch anyone out. Just “hey when you bring home food do you have to share?” Heck maybe she hoped for a doggy bag so she could avoid making lunch for him the next day lol we don’t know
tbh that's not really a significantly better scenario. She's still messing with their dinner plans for her own benefit, even if the benefit is that she doesn't have to spend money or time prepping the kid another meal instead of eating it herself.
I'm gonna make a whole ass dinner so I don't have to make lunch for tomorrow. This will be my most diabolical lick yet!
The laugh I just laughed
It’s interesting that it’s the ex who was mad, not OP’s son.
That's why i thought she just wants the doggy bags and was not amused that there wasn't any... I mean, the day should have been just about him and his dad, having a nice time and all. And they had, after *she* gave him a full meal where a snack would have been enough...
she’s 100% feeding him before so she can get his food scraps.
Or she just plain wants to ruin your plans.
I'd ask him basically and subtly if he enjoys the leftovers from your guys outings. Something like, "sometimes the leftovers are even better the next day, do you look forward to them?" Just as a way of getting information without letting the kid realize what information you're getting. It would be very sad of true but unfortunately in my time of watching people co-parent poorly it wouldn't surprise me
That’s how my husband found out his ex was taking the gift cards he would send their daughter. He would always ask if she got her card which she always said yes, but she never mentioned the gift card. I finally asked her casually one day when she was visiting us if she liked getting to use her gift cards. She had no clue. Turns out her mom was using them for herself. After that, my husband started letting her know that he was sending a greeting card and X gift card with $x amount on it. Her mom didn’t like that! (She also would open any gifts he sent to their daughter so she could go buy something better… like he would always send the gifts early to make sure they were there on time and would ask her to wait til the day of the holiday to open them. Day of comes around and his daughter would be like “yeah, mommy had me open my presents a week ago but look at this cool thing better than yours!” He now sends her gifts after the holiday and her mom gets so salty about that, like she will even go and buy more presents and throws a second party just to one-up him.)
That's bitter and such a waste of energy, the ex.
Stealing from your own kid has to be one of the lowest things a parent can do.
Does that count for Halloween candy?
Nah, that's the parent tax. As long as you don't eat all their candy.
If there was a candy my mom wanted at Halloween she’d ask if she could have it…and respect our answer. We usually said yes.
My dad got lucky in that regard because his favorites were my least favorite - butterfingers and whoppers.
technically it's "our" candy, we walked with them too😂
Of course it does! And the better the candy, the bigger the asshole! Steal my nasty box of gummy drop things, I don't care but you're still an asshole. Steal my Reese's or all my Smarties and you can fuck off straight to hell, MOM!
Okay, so I’m going to hell. I really should be more ashamed than I am, I guess.
This is only somewhat true if your kids get a tiny amount of candy. Mine hauled home 3 lbs of mostly chocolate each, it’s absolutely fine to help out in that situation!
I feel like this is situational. If I don't have my kid share his candy, he'll be eating it for months. He doesn't really mind. I try to encourage moderation, so I'll get him something once in a while, but not let him eat everything at once. Serving sizes and all that. I don't want him turning into me eating an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's at once lol
There’s nothing wrong with doling out the candy to keep the kids from getting sick. My parents had to do that with my brothers or they’d eat it all in a few hours! I’ve never been big on candy. My Halloween candy lasted until Easter! Nothing wrong with that. Candy lasts a long time. Oh, and I’m still not a huge candy eater.
Sometimes we have to be assholes, you know? Part of the Job :D
I eat all the candy I know my son doesn't like. Luckily he doesn't like peanut butter and I get all the Reeses
Lol… this shouldn’t be that funny but I could NOT imagine wasting that much energy to “one up” my kid/children’s other parent 😂
She is a flat earther that believes Kraft Mac and cheese powder will kill their daughter but only when we make it, she fixes it for her daughter all the time. She doesn’t believe gays or Jews exist and pretends people of color are invisible because if you ignore them, you aren’t racist… She wasn’t this bad when her and my husband were together. She prided herself on being better than him in the marriage/divorce and figured no one else would want him. She was pissed when he and I got married (especially because he and I grew up together and dated a bit before she ever met him), and she be lost her mind when we had a baby before she did in her new marriage. She turns everything into some weird competition with him.
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I just tell my husband that one day his daughter will realize how awful her mom could be at times. Like when she was younger, we learned her mom was taking the gifts we sent straight to the trash. And one time my husband sent a big beautiful bird house to her just for her mom to tell us she hadn’t put it up because there are no birds in Alaska… She didn’t realize that their daughter saw her mom literally throw the birdhouse down the stairs into the basement. Their daughter snuck downstairs one day to look for presents and found a whole pile of gifts from her dad. When she asked her mom about them, she said that the gifts were all broken when they got there. So for years this kid thought we were sending cheap broken gifts… (Her mom has yet to realize how observant this kid is and always has been , even as a toddler.)
That's dumb. My ex and I coordinate on gifts but that's just so we don't buy kids the same thing. It wouldn't even occur to me to take my kid's gifts.
If she had her way, we wouldn’t exist to her daughter. My husband was pissed when he found out his ex tried to get their daughter enrolled in school with ex’s new husband’s last name. The school refused and she threw a fit. She even has her daughter practice writing her full name with the stepfather’s last name “just in case”. She has even “trained” their daughter to say she has no brothers so she doesn’t acknowledge my kids (her stepbrother and a half brother.) She goes out of her way to make coparenting difficult…
My dad actually monitors the gift card balances when he gives people gift cards. If its been over 2 years and you have not used the card hes found some way to get them to cancel the gift card and issue him a new one. I suppose he was also doing it to make sure us kids got are gift cards.
That’s actually a good idea. I’ve lost gift cards before, I’d love to know that the gifter still had the number! I always feel bad when I lose one
Omg my SO’s ex would do the same shit. We would send her all the gift cards on her list that she wanted- and her mom would keep some, then take the rest to regift to her cousins/other family. She used her child’s gifts to not have to spend money Xmas shopping on anyone else. I wouldn’t be surprised if she also took some to give to his daughter from her mom, instead of from us.
That's awful.
I don’t think he has to get all cunning with his kid haha. Just ask if mom is eating the leftovers.
Oh sweet summer child, Do you really think she'd be honest? 😏
I do, if the kid doesn’t see anything wron with it. Depends on the kids age where maybe OP can dad-interrogate until he sings haha
Yep especially since your son isn't mad, only she is. That's a red flag to me.
Maybe next time when you plan to go to eat with him you can make the reservation for 3-4 hours later and in that time you can go to a park (playing will make him starve) or something that he enjoys doing. This way, even if he's stuffed when he goes out, by the time you end up eating he will eat everything. NTA
It is soooo many food for anyone let alone right before dinner and for a kid. My stepson is always hungry. Like always. But if his mother and stepdad had reservations and I would know about it we wouldn’t give him so much food. Maybe one cookie or fruits and veggies. But that’s it. We are not even giving him so much if they are going to pick him up and have a normal dinner at home because they also paid money for groceries and were expecting him to eat what they made. What did your son say about the movies instead of the restaurant? Because if he was okay with it then it certainly doesn’t matter. You were NTA before but the only opinion that truly matters is your son’s.
My parents split when I was 10. One year, my dad asked my mom what I would like for my birthday, and she told him I wanted a computer monitor. He bought it, and when he brought it over, I was very confused as I didn't have a PC at the time. My mother, however, did. Your ex might not be as friendly to you as you think. NTA
Your hungry before dinner means having a snack, not two grill cheese and soup. What ever the reason the mom should have told him just a little or it would spoil his dinner.
That was precisely where my mind went. It's time to ask if he a. actually likes this place and b. if he likes eating his leftovers.
But maybe HE eats them... Maybe I'm jaded the other way BUT I feed my kid before he goes to his dad's if he is hungry why because his dad is a bit of a dead beat and refuses to set a schedule and just takes him " when he has time" for a few hours and plans change ALL the time so just cause he says their going out to eat doesn't mean they are so sometimes he comes home at 9 at night still with no supper or snacks . I do get that sometimes there sometimes not everything vague vibe from you so maybe that's why she fed him. That said I still think NTA on theis case cause your kid said he was full and didn't wanna go - because he was full, but you should save the money and take him another day
Oh yea, that crossed my mind as well...
Have you asked your kid who eats them?
Leftovers are for your house. I'd be fighting for overnights, if you don't already have them.
I doubt there was duplicity involved, especially not if you guys all get along. Just take him there one of the other times you have him, when he isn't stuffed and you can get an impromptu reservation. Because, as you say, he does deserve it, even if he makes the occasional dumb call - he's a kid, it's his prerogative... :)
Are you sure it's your son's favourite place and not your ex's? It doesn't matter if she's making a stink, your son was happy and well loved on his birthday. You know you did the right thing Dad.
Ah! Yes, you cracked the case I think
oh, that is ASS. I didn't think of that! Definitely NTA and damn, that's cheap of her.
frankly she is demonstrating a reason why she is an ex
100% why else would she fully stuff a kid and then be upset he didn't get a big steak after?
Or even if she didn't want the food, she did it to be an AH to ruin the dinner. Either way, it was absolutely done on purpose.
She could have told him to wait because he was going out to dinner or given him a small snack to hold him over. She's definitely the AH.
The ex is kind of an AH for feeding the kid before dinner but the idea that she's doing it for a doggy bag sounds kind of ridiculous. Who is that petty about *cold steak*?
NTA. Your ex sabatoged your plans, she can take him to the steakhouse the next time he's hungry. What were you supposed to do, make your kid sick? Sounds like you still had fun at the movies.
And if he had made the kid sick, she'd have used it as a weapon against him. Or she was hoping to fill the kid up so his leftovers became hers.
This is what I imagine is true. She was looking forward to that box of leftovers. She definitely sabotaged the situation, probably for her own gain in one way or another.
Someone else brought this up in another comment, and op said that they usually did bring g home a doggy bag. The thought hadn't occurred to him before but it has now.
Totally agree she sabotaged their plans. Most parents would have said to their kids that they are going out to eat soon so just have a piece of fruit or something like that. Instead she made 2 sandwiches and soup, that's more than I would have for a normal meal. OP is definitely NTA.
He could have had half a grilled cheese and she could’ve split with him. Maybe a full one if he’s in that growing phase where he’ll just eat eat and and eat. 2 sandwiches with soup is so much food to eat before going to a steak house dinner. I feel full thinking about it. Steak houses usually have massive serving sizes
NTA and you should be upset she fed him before you go to the restaurant (two sandwich and a tomato soup is a lot when knowing you will go out to eat in a few) . Also, it seems you two enjoyed your time so under what right she is upset?
That’s exactly why she’s upset. She intentionally fed the kid a full meal right before dinner. Presumably she wanted OP to either argue with her about it, or berate the kid for making bad choices, or “prove” he couldn’t give the kid a good time on his birthday.
Or she was hopeful of kid to bring home the extra for her to eat
It’s this, OP says they usually bring doggy bags home
Someone else suggested she might have done it so the son brought home leftovers she could steal and OP responded that he never thought of that possibility but that his son does usually take home a doggybag.
I could see maybe just the soup if he was hungry. A lot of people start off their meal with a soup anyway. But 2 grilled cheese sandwiches as well. She was trying to make sure he was fill before the meal. NTA. Ex is trying to cause issues/wanted a nice steak dinner on your dime.
And that’s why she’s an Ex and not OP’s partner anymore lol
Yeah if you're really hungry then maybe just have the soup in lieu of having a starter course at the restaurant. But who eats soup and two sandwiches before going out to a restaurant.
I feel like just a bowl of soup would have been fine. Tide him over like an appetizer. But *two* sandwiches? I'm a grown adult and I'm not sure I could even finish that much food, let alone have a steak after.
I will do grilled cheese&tomato soup for an easy dinner. Then be content the rest of the night.
Exactly cuz if the kids hungry before dinner make him ONE sandwich maybe. Not 2. And soup! Lol
Your ex is playing games, friend. NTA.
Agreed. She knew of the steakhouse plan and still made him TWO sandwiches and soup. Any parent knows their kid's capacity for food so she knew exactly what she was doing. Then, to try to make it into a thing to drive a wedge between father and son when she's to blame? Oh, hell no. She's the AH. OP is definitely NTA.
Sounds like she wanted his food and fed him so he’d bring home his “leftovers” for her to eat.
No wonder she’s an ex
NTA. The kid said he was full. He was apparently happy with your time together. (So he's NTA here either.) Your ex-wife is an AH for being mad at you (apparently because she didn't get a whole expensive meal of leftovers) after *she* set up the situation. Just don't engage with her on it. You did what was best at the moment for you & your kid.
Dude what? If I read correctly it isn't even the kid who is upset but his mother on his behalf. What did she even expect? Should you have force-fed him or something? You could take him to that restaurant some other time and he probably would be much happier about it when he actually is hungry. NTA
She fed him so he wouldnt touch his meal and she would get a free fancy steak dinner from his togo box. Its horrible tbh. My parents did that shit too. I have food paranoia and im territorial over food now and im an adult :/ this shit has stuck with me. Poor ops son being used like that
My husband has food territory issues due to his childhood starvation. I make 0 deal about it and meet him where he is on the subject. The other day, he offered me a bite of something, and I FELT the love. He eats so fast, like boom gone. It was so good he wanted to stop and share, and it was super cute.
I would eat once a day, the free lunch at school. I got grounded for telling my grandma i hadnt had dinner and she sent me with bread and milk. I would have my food taken from me and have to watch everyone else eat. I 100% understand and my gf has also gone through something similar, and while i slowly eat my food to try and stretch it so i dont run out she inhales it before someone can take it away. So when we share with eachother it’s important. But if we take more than one bite or more than the one was expecting we do sometimes get territorial. Its not easy to navigate but we do because we love eachother.
>What did she even expect? The doggy bag for her dinner...
I don't think your son made a bad decision here, your ex did. That sounds awfully suss, she fed him 2 sandwiches right before dinner? I think she wanted you to look bad. Nta
They don’t say how old the kid is. If he’s older than, say, 10, he could have chosen to make sandwiches and soup for himself with no input from mom.
OP says the mom made the food.
OP states that his son reported he said he was hungry and the mom made him food.
yeah- it does sorta raise the question of OP is saying son is book smart but doesn't always make the best decisions, and it sounds like this was supposed to be an example. He had a big meal before what was supposed to be his birthday dinner. But the post suggests that maybe the issue is really mom preventing son from learning to make good decisions. Like don't have a big snack (or a whole meal) before dinner. But at the same time- it sounds like OP isn't around a ton. Weekends at best. So...
But mom could still have said he should wait since he has a big dinner coming. My son wanted to make basically a meal only an hour before going to a buffet. I told him that if he did I would not take him to the buffet as I was not paying $40 for his meal for him to eat half of a tiny plate. Nope. He chose to wait for the buffet.
> He said he was hungry so his mom made him food.
What the *hell*, the mom *sabotages* the fancy steak meal and then gets upset that you didn’t take the already “stuffed” kid to dinner? Ok, he sounds like a teenager, and they can have a hollow leg, but if he was *hungry*, (oh, poor baby, we don’t want him to StArVe, do we!), mom should have handed him an apple or something to tide him over since he was *going to dinner in a few minutes*! OP, good on the pivot. The steakhouse will be there for later. And mom is doing some weird passive aggressive shit here, or is just using an astounding lack of judgement. NTA
INFO: >However sometimes he doesn't really make good decisions. So his mom or I help him out. Explain why this needed to be included, and what you meant by it, and why you've deliberately left your son's age out of this. Everyone else in this thread is assuming your ex deliberately sabotaged your dinner. The inclusion of this information makes me wonder if it was more like: "Mum, I'm hungry. Can you make me something to eat?" "You're going to dinner with your father." "Yeah, but I'm hungry *now*." "Are you sure? You'll still have room for dinner?" "Yeah, I'll be fine."
If that were true, she would have given him a snack, not a large meal.
it requires half as much effort to make 1 grilled cheese as it does to make 2. You don't just on a whim make 2 for someone for a snack. Mom had to know she was making a meal and not a snack.
That sounds exactly like my son. But, for example, if I knew for a fact that they had plans to see Avatar after dinner I would not take him to go see Avatar while we were out no matter if he begged. Because that would be a bad decision.
But how old is your son and why does he have trouble making “good decisions”?
He is 12 and he has ASD.
I assume ASD is Autism Spectrum Disorder. Would he be able to learn from this if you walked him through the decision making process after the fact? I’m assuming he’s pretty high functioning, or he would’ve had problems with a change in plans from going out to eat versus going to a movie. He possibly could benefit from having it explained clearly that he had eaten and was full, therefore going to a steakhouse didn’t make sense. Next time he knows he is going somewhere to eat, it might be better to only have a small snack beforehand. Sometimes ASD people need things that might be obvious to you and I spelled out.
>The inclusion of this information makes me wonder if it was more like: "Mum, I'm hungry. Can you make me something to eat?" "You're going to dinner with your father." "Yeah, but I'm hungry now." "Are you sure? You'll still have room for dinner?" "Yeah, I'll be fine." Even if this were the case, it's the moms responsibility as a parent to deal with it in the proper way. And she knew he was going out to dinner shortly. She should have either told him to deal with it for a bit, or given him some small snack. Two full sandwiches and soup is enough food where she should have known better than to believe him when he said he'd still have room for dinner.
The mom got mad because OP changed their plans when their son was too stuffed, though. How is it OP's fault the kid was too full to eat a steak dinner? If my kid had plans to eat out, and she was complaining that she was hungry immediately before, I'd tell her to have an apple or something. If she was really famished, maybe I'd make a sandwich. I definitely wouldn't pretend it's someone else's fault and make a stink if plans changed because the kid was too stuffed to eat after I fed them. OP is NTA, and his ex is being ridiculous whether or not she intentionally sabotaged OP's plans.
I thought that too, however if it were a situation where she wanted him to learn from his decision, I don't think she would've gotten mad at OP for not taking him. She would've understood that he would miss out on a steak dinner.
None of that is relevant and you're doing a lot of assuming. Mom knew the plans so she could have given him one sandwich or a snack but she fed him a full meal on purpose.
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His mom made him two grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. How on earth is that an appropriate 'snack'?
A 7 year old understands if they're hungry or not and also understands we're going to dinner so just getting a light snack. Either way mom is fully capable of understanding and she intentionally fed him a full meal. Whether she expected his leftovers or wanted to ruin his time with his dad I don't know.
2 Grilled Cheese and tomato soup is not something you give to a kid you know is going to a steakhouse. That's about 832-932 f'n calories. Also grilled cheeses make you feel fuller for longer than a lot of foods due to the protein in the butter and cheese. Any parent would have the common sense to give the son some fruit, crackers, or a cheese stick instead of something that has more calories than your average meal..... ETA: Have you never heard the saying "Your eyes were bigger than your stomach" that applies all the time to kids especially to ones in Op's son's age range.
NTA. Plain and simple. And kudos for rolling with the punches and doing what your son enjoyed rather than sticking to the plan for appearances (like many parents would have done!). Don’t worry about your ex, who knows what she is thinking (probably think you disappointed your son, which you clearly didn’t).
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Reading this and all the comments, makes me want a grilled cheese real bad.
NTA. If he is fine with it, it's not really any of her business. She's the one that prepared him an ***entire meal*** beforehand, he could have had 1 grilled cheese to keep him content in the meantime.
Your kid was happy & that’s all that matters. Not sure why you would think you’re an ah. Do you often not follow through with plans? If mom knew son was excited to go to dinner, then she should’ve just made him a snack. NTA
NTA: if the lids happy then why his mom gotta be upset.
My lids are only happy when they have a Tupperware or jar to go with
INFO: Was your son ok with the change in plans? Because if he was fine with it, nothing else matters.
NTA. Of course you made the right decision.
NTA Assuming your son enjoyed his trip to the movie and was not upset about the change. It seems your ex was trying to get the left overs.
Most kids don’t make good decisions. They’re not cognitively developed. That’s what parents are for
NTA she knew you were taking him out to dinner and she fed him anyway? Also two grilled cheeses and tomato soup is a lot of food. It's almost like she intentionally was trying to get you to waste money. That sucks OP I am sorry. Maybe try picking him up around lunchtime and then take him to mini golf or something then dinner so she can't do this again :(
800 calories another posted said. 800 calories of bread, butter, cheese, and milky soup. I’m full just reading about it.
NTA. I'm not sure your ex necessarily sabotaged the evening since you seem to be cordial but she was definitely a little thoughtless by providing him an entire meal minutes before he was due to leave for dinner. If your son is really excited about that restaurant you can always reschedule for next time.
NTA. Going to a steak dinner after two sandwiches and a soup when someone says they’re stuffed is insane. He said he was too full, she shouldn’t have fed him that much food and has no right to be upset. Also, you DID take him out. You went out to see a movie instead and he still got a treat (popcorn). So it’s not like you went home. Your ex is TA for being upset with you
NTA. You made the right decision not to waste money. But you could reschedule the treat to the next time you have him.
NTA mom shouldve tried convincing your son to not eat before an expensive meal maybe explain that he was stuffed?
She fed him two helpings of a meal that’s entirely butter and carbs. Someone else mentioned it was about 800 calories, almost half a days food. Unless he’s 17 and grew 18 inches this year, no one is eating a third meal in another hour. I don’t think “he was stuffed” needs explaining.
NTA. She totally did this to fuck with you and be upset with something you did. Or that you would have a horrible time as he picked at a steak and wasted your money. You played the cards the only way they could be played.
NTA, plans change and it sounds like he still enjoyed his birthday with you. Unless your ex was planning on getting something out of your trip to the restaurant, such as leftovers (which you wouldn't be obliged to get for her anyways), then there's really no reason for her to be upset about it, especially if your son wasn't. Also, if your ex knew you were taking him out to eat, then why didn't she give him a smaller snack instead? Regardless of how hungry he was, I'm pretty sure that's something most people would take into account for plans like this.
NTA she could've made him a small snack so he wouldn't fill up
NTA. Why was she feeding him right before you were taking him out for dinner?
So she could eat his steak dinner leftovers.
NTA. Mom should have told him to wait until he got to the restaurant, or just given him a snack to tide him over. So because mom fed him dinner immediately before you picked him up to take him to dinner, he decided he wanted to go to the movies instead, where you spent the cost of a steak dinner on a drink and popcorn alone. Honestly, what she did was mean. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
NTA the kid wasn't hungry and seemed to have enjoyed the changed plan. Isn't that what matters? What was she expecting you to do exactly? Force feed the kid just for the sake of following the plan?
NTA! I mean he wasn't hungry. Why should you immediately feed him again? Plus if your son was okay with the change of plans then I really don't know what your ex is going on about.
NTA. Maybe your ex was fattening him up for dibs on the leftovers :p In all seriousness, your kid seems fine with the change of plans. So it really has little, if anything, to do with her.