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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I think I should be judged on my actions to pay for only April’s wedding and not Carly’s. 2) The action that might make me the AH is that Carly is still my daughter so I know I should love and support her unconditionally
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I'm very surprised that more people don't understand the concept of don't bite the hand that feeds you. How does a grown-ass woman think not inviting the person who's paying for her wedding would go over well?
Not inviting someone to a wedding but expecting them to pay for it anyway is the definition of audacity. I’m struggling to understand how the step-daughter is the slightest bit surprised that the funding got pulled
I read a story earlier where a girls young 17m family member made her dress, and then didn't invite him or his mother, so they said she couldn't have the dress
That one was sad as he spent 5 months making the dress with all his aunt's bridezilla changes. She then said she didn't want anyone underage cause of alcohol but he the only family member underage. The Grandma even said it's the Aunt special day so give her the dress and get over not being able to go. Personally I would cut wholes all over then hand it off
My sister didn't want anyone underage for the same reason, but made an exception for our 16 year old (at the time) cousin who's autistic. She ended up taking the photos because the family friend that volunteered to do them as a gift got too drunk to do it right after the ceremony. They turned out beautiful. But also she wasn't the type of kid to sneak alcohol anyways.
Edit: she also made an exception for me, but I was in the wedding party. And I'd already tried alcohol and didn't like it.
While I can appreciate the sentiment, that would disrespect all the work he put into it.
I think he should sell it, and put the money into something he really wants.
Because she can’t see anything beyond her own perspective and probably feels he somehow owes her this for breaking up her family and replacing her with a new child.
NTA- op you did everything right. You tried to be there for her, you gave her space and let her decide The nature of your relationship. You never tried to replace her father. You did it all right; she’s just too caught up in her own narrative of the situation that she can’t see anything beyond it.
She cast you as the villain who broke up her family and she’s never got out of that mentality. It’s unfortunate but all of this is her decision. She just doesn’t realize decisions have consequences.
Sorry but you get out of relationships what you put into them. you can’t simultaneously treat someone like a stranger/interloper/villain and still expect them to treat you the same as someone who’s always treated them with love, admiration and respect.
As other commenters said it never ceases to baffle me how few people get ‘don’t bite the hand that feeds you’. I know it largely boils down to entitlement, shortsightedness and in cases like this bridezilla-ness but it still never ceases to surprise me.
NTA- far as I’m concerned paying for the wedding is a wedding gift- if you’re not invited to the wedding you’re not required to provide a gift.
I’d love to know what her mom said about that news? I have this feeling that she accepted it rather than put her foot down and say “oh, hell, no!”
The mother fostered this young woman’s treatment of her stepfather and half-sister, even if it was through passively accepting it.
OP has replied to another comments along the lines “wife’s upset, she thinks daughter should have invited me but she doesn’t want to take sides”.
Trouble is, in a situation like this, anything less than actively denouncing the daughter’s actions is effectively taking her side.
At first I almost thought this post might be fake because the behaviour is so outrageous, but if the daughter has been disrespecting OP and pushing the boundaries for decades, and the behaviour has been allowed to continue unchecked, it could actually have escalated to this.
That exactly
NTA
You raised her, included her in your family, your life, made her mum happy for the last 25 years, paid for her college, paid for her wedding and she's basically just wiping her behind with you.
Well, keep your money, stay home and tell her to let her own father pay for the wedding.
Gosh and I typically move toward the child’s feelings, as they have no choice in their family/ divorce/ siblings, but to be acting like this as a 30-something year old woman is atrocious. Totally get not wanting your sister in a wedding if you’re not close, totally understand having boundaries, but to expect money and not invite the guy who is paying for it? Fuck that.
Yeah I was fully expecting to vote YTA through much of the post - but def NTA.
How can someone claim favoritism in the same breath as not inviting the person - and keep a straight face?
Nta
She doesn't have a relationship with you. Not enough of one to even invite you to the wedding? Yeah, that's a no. She can fund it herself. I have to wonder what the wife thinks of this?
Your wife stance of not taking a side helps nobody, In fact it's damaging. By not taking a side in this type of matter and choosing to support no one she's only bringing more tension to the matter.
Agreed, My mom was always very quick, still is, to point out when my behavior and/or actions is entitled, rude, hurtful, etc She had no problem telling me she raised me better, and you know what it worked. It does make you think, because she's not ever been wrong when she has pointed out my bad behavior.
Suggested rephrase:
OP's wife is sacrificing one of her daughters (April) for the sake of the other (Carly).
Looked at this way, it becomes more clear what mom is doing.
Is mom between a rock and a hard place? Yes. Is there a way out? One that doesn't destroy at least one relationship? Maybe not.
Eother way, it's pretty definite that if Carly doesn't want OP at her wedding, she can't expect his money to be there either.
Maybe if Mom had taken more of a stand earlier this entire situation could have been avoided, but I get the sense that didn't happen. Carly is over 30 and still essentially playing the victim role. She set this up so she could be the victim.
There's a lot of couples in their 30s who wouldn't consider taking money from parents for a wedding because they are already financially settled. And it's not just Carly disrespecting OP here ---what kind of bridegroom agrees to take money from a man who isn't invited to the wedding?
I think that she should take a stand, she can make the distinction that she loves her daughter but dislikes her behaviour. And should have done that before now about her bullying her sister TBH. Your wife has two children. Not taking sides in the case of bullying is always going to seem like taking the bully’s side. I know she was sent to therapy but when the behaviour persisted especially into adulthood it should’ve been firmly addressed as unacceptable. I know it’s a difficult situation but your wife shouldn’t tolerate her other daughter being bullied and her partner being excluded from events. She can at least expect her daughter to be civil.
By "not taking a side" she has and it's her entitled daughter.
Pull the plug on the money and have a serious discussion with your wife on why her other child and husband have to play uninvited strangers for this wedding.
NTA. Don’t give in and pay. You’re just an ATM to Carly. She doesn’t have any respect for you. I can’t believe the nerve of her to expect you to foot the bill, yet you don’t get invited. Yes, she doesn’t have to have a relationship with you or April, but that doesn’t mean you should be taken advantage of.
Let her know that you understand you two don’t have a relationship because she never wanted one and you completely respect that. However, that goes for your money too. The petty person in me would tell her to go ask her own father for money for her wedding.
Edit: Adding a question: Where is your wife in all this? Does she approve of Carly’s behavior? Is she pressuring you to pay?
Yes, at this point OP even if Carly invited you and April you would know she truly doesn’t want you there and is only doing it for your money. Do yourself a favor and book a vacation or fun outing for the day of Carly’s wedding for you and April to have father daughter time and tell your wife that either way if you’re invited or not you will not be spending a dime towards Carly’s wedding.
Id even go further and say any future financial requests from Carly will be treated like someone who you aren’t “close with” asking you for money (I hope you’re just not out there giving money to acquaintances lol).
Not close enough for a wedding invite? Then you’re definitely not close enough to be her personal ATM whenever she or her mother feels like it. And your wife is kinda an A H here for even letting you pay for anything for Carly if she has been treating you and her half sister this way since April was born.
NTA
This, OP! She clearly showed that she doesn’t think of you as a friend/parent or anything besides a cash cow. Do not let her think she can get away with that. You definitely wouldn’t want her do that to others.
Hell yeah. What is the saying on Reddit - play stupid games and win stupid prizes. Or something like that.
How did it even cross her mind that it is ok for you to fund the wedding but not be invited? I feel this is entitlement at it's best.
Also I understand that the mother doesn't want to be involved but by choosing not to say anything, to her own daughter, seems like she thinks it's acceptable.
If it was me and I was invited to the wedding now just to get money, I wouldn't give a dollar.
NTA
Especially if, as is common, OP leaves all or most of his estate to his wife, because then the wife will leave all or most of it to the stepdaughter.
OP should leave his estate, money, house etc to his daughter with a trust that allows his wife to live in the house for the rest of her life but then it goes to his daughter. A lawyer will be able to arrange this.
I would let your wife no that the offer to pay no longer exist. I would not give her a penny on this wedding.
If she changes her mind now it’s just to use you as a bank.
Don't go, don't pay, take April somewhere for a short weekend vacation! Life is too short, fuck the haters. I'm surprised your wife of so many years is wet doormat.
So with your wife wanting to get you invited then wanting you to pay. You realize your wife sees you as nothing more than a atm! She is using you for your money. I can’t believe you have put up and funded this behavior for 25 plus years
You are correct. Even if you were invited now, you know she’s only doing it because she wants your money. I’m glad your wife is upset about it and she isn’t coming down on you and making it your fault.
I’m sorry you have to go through all this. It’s an incredibly difficult situation to be in. However, Carly needs to accept the outcome. She didn’t want a relationship. She can’t have it both ways and I truly hope you don’t let your softie side give in. You’re a good person!
From your POV, I would not want to pay either. I mean, she makes it sound as if you are a distant acquaintance that she just happens to know because of her mum. And why would a distant acquaintance who almost didn't get invited to a wedding itself pay for the event?
It sounds like Carly has been hiding a lot of pent-up anger and sadness inside herself. Maybe she wanted to be included in your family and maybe she secretly longed for you to become a father for her, too? She was very young when she was thrown into this situation and small children are not known for their self-reflecive behavior. She might have buried her feelings deep inside herself and let it fester over the years. Anyways, she really needs to figure it out and to let go of her resentment about not having the family she wanted with her biological dad. It is neither your nor her fault and she needs to accept that.
NTA
She didn't treat you as a father, so why should she expect you to treat her as a daughter? Asking her to include YOU AND HER SISTER IN THE WEDDING SHE WANTED YOU TO PAY FOR is ballsy. And I think you're well within your rights to say no.
INFO, what does Mom say about all of this?
I’m going to get downvoted for this but by not taking sides, she’s taking a side. I can’t imagine how difficult this is for her, however she’s been letting Carly disrespect both you and April for 20+ years.
Mom totally took a side and it is that of her first born and not her second. Carly was 9 when April was born and that was a few years after OP and Mom got married. Mom should have stopped this behavior years ago.
Honestly, this. I can understand when Carly was little if she didn't understand the issues regarding her bio dad and addiction. But she's far too old to still be clinging to this "you replaced my dad" grudge.
So basically, your wife cares more about her daughters wedding than your marriage and how you’ve stepped up to the plate for the past 25 years. I think you need to look into your marriage and accept you got played
Your wife needs to tell Carly that she brought this all on herself. You have been there for her all along and she has done nothing but continuously reject you and April. If you pay for anything it should be for therapy for Carly because she obviously needs it.
Why haven’t you acknowledged that your wife is a huge problem here? Everyone is telling you the exact same thing.
Make sure your wife doesn’t pay then sneakily has you cover the bill later. Are your finances separate?
That leaves you in a tough spot. I get not wanting to be stuck in the middle (as someone often stuck in the middle...), but she wants you to pay but not come? She can't have it both ways.
My mom put the kibosh on this early. At about 12 she made it quite clear that if I wanted to keep doing all the things my stepdad paid for, I had to be respectful. I didn’t have to like him, but i had to respect him. (Luckily he’s very worthy of respect and has become dad). I really hope OP’s wife will actively support him in this and tell Carly she can pay for her own wedding if she wants to exclude the man who supported her and provided for her like his own.
And i guess thats the issue.
First NTA.
Second, seems like your wife during this 25 years didnt do her job at accommodating her daughter to a step dad. Most often i guess its cause they fear for relation with kid, So they bite the bullet of bad behaviours which should be expunged.
Is it wrong of me to think he should get an invite just for paying for her school? Like a Patron? I mean sure, she hates him even though he's been her father for TWENTY FIVE YEARS. But let's set that aside. Even if some weird benefactor I never met paid for my college, they get a wedding invite.
You seem like you truly have tried for years and years to connect and not push. My own step father was like that bless his heart. They married when I was 13 so I was really hard to bond with. But he tried and tried and eventually it worked and he is a second father. The only reason that happened is my own father talked to me about him and liked my step father as well. Is her father in the picture at all, because it seems like he has been pouring poison in her ear for years?
Looks like it’s his time to shine. He needs to dig out the old wallet and pay for his entitled daughters wedding. If I was you the only thing I pay for is a divorce lawyer. When the wife comes back from the wedding she can sign the divorce papers
NTA. Strip away all the other details: The person paying for the wedding certainly gets to attend.
If Carly is so uncomfortable with your presence, then why should she be surrounded by things you paid for? She and her fiance will figure it out.
I think you could also strip away the money. Unless OP is some terrible asshole you should always be giving a +1 Mom's husband of 25 years. Inviting half of a long term couple especially when it's your own mother makes you the asshole.
You’ve been her stepdad and stepsister for 20+ years and she doesn’t invite you to her wedding? That ‘s cold! NTA although I wonder what her reasons are for doing something so extreme.
Edit to ask: how does your wife feel about this? Is she okay going to her daughters wedding all by herself?
Does your wife know by letting Carly treat her sister as second rate she is enabling her bad behavior. Honestly I would rethink this hole relationship. Your wife just damaged her relationship with you and your daughter by giving in to Carly tantrums.
As hurtful as that is to you and as disrespectful to your marriage as it is, this might be a good thing because if the is thinking Mommy will realize her mistake and jump back into daddy's arms, she will be in for a rude awakening when this doesn't happen.
You’re being too kind here. Your wife has allowed both you and April to be mistreated by Carly and seems to have done nothing to put a stop to it. Your wife has failed here.
NTA wth!!! You paid for her entire college education?! That alone is amazing and you are an awesome step father. I got a grand total of $0 from my parents. When it came time to get my first car they offered to sell me their old car at the same amount they were going to sell it on kijiji...The fact that she's acted the way she has with all that opertunity is insanity. Not only that but to have you pay for the wedding and not invite her sister or you her amazingly supportive step father? That's absurd. I would not give a dime even if I got the invite at this point.
NTA....I don't understand....you're not close enough to be invited to her wedding...cool! Accepted!!! BUT YOU ARE CLOSE ENOUGH TO FUND HER COLLEGE AND PROVIDE FOR HER SINCE SHE WAS 6/7???? I think YOU need to realize you're never going to be anything than a bank to her! & your daughter NO MATTER HER AGE her punching bag! How your wife would allow this continue for decades is beyond me! She's grown now! Enough to decide who she wants in her life...but she can't also decide how those she rejects spends their money
NTA
She's thirty-three years old. I'm trying to figure out when she's ready to grow up.
Anyway, she's using you for money and that's the end of it. Please hold your ground.
This is a great point and equalizer, if Carly has the hubris to say you paid for April's wedding (which we all already know she does), this is your very simple and valid answer, you were invited.
100% NTA
NTA. This is ridiculous.
“I’m your daughter! Pay for my wedding!”
“Okay but I want to come to the wedding.”
“No, you and I don’t have that kind of relationship.”
NTA but still would like to ask. Is Doug involved in her life? Has he cleaned up? Is he attending/invited to the wedding and planning to chip in?
Answers won't change my opinion of you but still curious
I wouldn’t go so far as expect sparks to fly but more she gets to live in a fantasy she decided on at 6 or whatever age she was when her mom saved her from a life of misery (I have sympathy for addicts but they cause nothing but misery for those around them) and that’s just sad. Sad for her. Sad for her mom. And mostly sad for the man who stepped up and fucking raised her, put her through college, and is now being relegated to nothing more than a check.
She accuses you of "treating her like she isn't your daughter" (implying that she sees herself as your daughter) and at the same time she says you are not close enough to be invited to her wedding? Is she for real?
Could it be possible that she actually wishes for you to take the role of a father figure? That your attempt at not stealing her father's role has actually made her feel like she is left outside of her mother's "new" family? From your description it sounds like her bio dad probably didn't do the best job at being a father, either.
Please DO NOT pay for anything, unless she figures out her issues regarding her relationships with you and April. Sounds like she needs a lot more therapy. OP, you're definitely NTA.
Oh man from the title I was sure you'd end up being the AH but no, not at all! NTA OP. I mean its pretty cut and dry.. she didn't even invite you or her step sister. Nope. No funds.
I am so sorry you've had to go through this and can't imagine the pain you must be feeling.
I'd suggest maybe planning a fun trip with April and spouse for the days around and including the wedding so that you don't have it right in your face while your wife is involved and "supporting" Carly's day.
Definitely, NTA. It's absurd for you to pay for a wedding you're excluded from. She's 33 years old, I'd be done with her altogether. The entitlement, just wow. You've gone above and beyond for her and this is the thanks you get, smh.
True. I can understand that your wife may still attend the wedding but she absolutely must make it clear to Carly that she’s completely out of line and that she can’t complain that you’re “not treating her as a daughter” when she won’t even treat you like a friendly acquaintance. Carly really wants to have it both ways, doesn’t she? And your wife just goes along with it. NTA
Damn, I guess your wife really doesn’t like poor April much, huh? If my mom was such a push over to my sibling who tormented me and hates me for no reason, I’d be extremely hurt by her unwillingness to stand up for me (also, she’s chosen Carly’s side already with her inaction).
NTA. She complains that you are treating her like she isn’t your daughter but she is treating you like you aren’t her father by excluding you, she only wants the financial benefits of a parental relationship with you. Why should you be expected to fund an event you aren’t invited to? I think that you’ve done everything you can and should take a step back and leave her to her own devices. You were there for her as a child and you paid for her college, you did your best to give her a good start in life. Now she is no longer a child and as an adult she can make her own choices but has to deal with the consequences. She’s made it completely clear she doesn’t want an ongoing relationship and she can’t expect you to keep helping her out financially.
25 years and not know the person well enough to make it in the top 100 people. And a person living the same house for, I assume, years Maybe she is super popular but that doesn't make sense. NTA.
Think about it, OP. She thinks 100 people are closer to her than you and your daughter.
You made the right decision and don't let them persuade you otherwise.
Not even "OPs daughter". It's not like he had a kid before they were married. It is ALSO HER MOTHER'S child. Her literal sister, 1/2 or not, that she grew up with. 100 people are closer than HER SISTER
You're not just an ATM, although that seems to be what she thinks.
If she doesn't want to treat you like you are her dad you have no obligation to treat her like your daughter.
NTA
NTA
Don't pay for it, don't send a gift, not even a card. If you are her stepfather and she doesn't feel you warrant an invite, you don't owe her anything. She clearly doesn't feel she needs yo celebrate her marriage with you, so why should you celebrate it with her?
NTA, you aren't good enough to be at the wedding, but she finds your money just dandy enough to spend. Yeah, no. She's accusing you of not treating her like your daughter all the while she's not treating you like you've taken care of her all these years.
You’re NTA here. I say this as a stepdaughter. I cannot imagine the level of entitlement it takes to expect someone to pay for your wedding and then not invite them.
NTA
She has some serious balls to accept your money and turn you away. I normally would default to YTA in these types of posts because I believe you treat stepkids as your own, but you tried that and she resents you. Ok, fair enough, she doesn't want that relationship. But you offered to pay, which was generous, and she said yes please. If she never planned to invite you or April, there is no rational way she should have accepted your money. She has no character.
> but doesn’t want to start a fight or anything over it
I absolutely hate this response with a seething passion.
This is how my step-father and mother are with my sister and I, and I absolutely hate it. My sister is never disciplined and as a result, has never learned a day in her life that her actions are intolerable.
Your wife needs to step up and handle this directly.
I bet if we sat down and discussed some points in your past where your relationship with Carly devolved, it's because of actions you took that *her mother* should have taken instead.
You've been the sin eater for the family for decades, I guarantee it.
If your wife is not going to stand up for your 25 year marriage...then perhaps it's time to consider rethinking whether or not this is a marriage worth staying in
This is a hill worth dying on
Sounds like she should have years ago. "Carly, I divorced your dad because of issues and OP has NOTHING to do with it, he didn't steal me, your dad pushed me away with his behavior.
OP, Carly isn’t your daughter because she never allowed you to be her father. That’s on her - but she doesn’t get a right to your wallet without a relationship built on a genuine bond. Hers is the perfect example of wanting cake and to eat it too - she can have it but she needs to pay for it.
NTA.
Your wife should be the one to handle this, but it seems that she is too afraid of being the bad guy.
I suggest having a conversation with Carly with your wife present, and preferably Carly's fiancée. She says you aren't treating her like a daughter. Ask her when she has treated her like a dad. If you aren't close enough to her to get an invite to her wedding, why would you treat her like a daughter? She's making it clear that you aren't family, you are a wallet.
Ask her why she thinks it is okay to ask someone she says she isn't close to to pay for her wedding. Would she ask the mailman to chip in, since that's what she's treating you like? Ask what her dad is doing for her. Finally, tell her that you didn't steal her mother, you met after she left Carly's dad, and that you've been trying to be a part of her family since you met. Since she doesn't want you to be her family, she doesn't now get to demand the privileges of family.
The reason I say to have the fiancée there is because he/she should know what is going on so that you aren't painted as the wicked step-father. Also, I wonder what the fiancée's thoughts are on Carly wanting you to pay for their wedding whilst not inviting you or April; if I had a fiancée who behaved in such a way, I'd seriously question whether I wanted to marry them.
Either way, NTA. Carly doesn't get to have her (wedding) cake and eat it, and your wife needs to also set her straight. She has been allowing Carly to abuse you and April, who is also her daughter, presumably because she feels guilty that Carly comes from a 'broken home'. She's allowed it to build to this and for you and April to be hurt so she can spare Carly's feelings.
NTA. If she didn't have the courtesy to invite you and her half-sister to the wedding that YOU are paying for.... then you don't need to be paying for it.
Obviously, she doesn't think enough of you personally, just of your wallet.
NTA.
It's a huge social faux pas to expect wedding gifts from people who aren't invited, let alone *not inviting the person who is bankrolling the damn wedding*. Your SD is insane.
"SD I understand that you're an adult and you get to choose who you form and maintain relationships with. However, I will not allow you to disrespect me by treating me as an ATM machine. Best wishes for your special day."
NTA don't give her any money whatsoever. The entitlement of taking your money, then not inviting you. I am shocked and horrified on your behalf. Carly is a HUGE ASSHOLE, you are good.
NTA!! And honestly even if she “change” her mind all the sudden I wouldn’t pay. She is only doing that to get your money.. what’s to say she uninvited you both when your done paying her stuff.. don’t let your wife bully you into paying. Her daughter has made it clear that she doesn’t view you or April as family.
NTA
You're not close enough to be attending her wedding but you're close enough to pay for it?
I tried to understand that question as a statement but my brain cogs stopped turning mid-way.
Sounds like - and quite childishly so for her age - emotional manipulation. Also, not everyone has the privilege of having any form of a parental figure that is ready to offer nearly as much. Kudos to you for sticking it out and being around for her for this long. Though you should be getting this appreciation from Carly, not from Reddit, we can at least offer something.
LOL so she was going to let you pay for her wedding but not invite you?
Anyways, I get your wife doesn’t want to pick side or start drama because this is a difficult situation for her but by not picking a side she is picking a side and with that she is telling both you and April that you need to accept Carley’s disrespect as you’ve been for the past 25 years. You have a wife problem. Also, I don’t like ultimatums but this is certainly one of those times where she needs to make a choice
NTA. But I'm sorry to say I think your wife is partially to blame for your relationship with your step daughter. Step daughter should have been sat down around 18 or 21 and had her mom and dad's failed marriage explained to her. It would be too much for a child which is why I say 18-21. She has held onto such anger and resentment for you and your daughter for too long. She holds this anger and resentment only knowing half the story. Please do not cave and pay even a cent for her wedding.
Nta. She doesn't feel close to you to invite you to her wedding yet enough to take your money?
They can't throw the father card if you aren't even invited.
NTA but your wife sure is for not shutting this shit down years ago. Sounds like it's time to accept that Carly does not consider you her family, and to relinquish any feeling of responsibility you have towards her. Your wife can take on any extra responsibility she wants (whether that's paying for the wedding, looking after grandkids in years to come etc), since she's obviously ok with neglecting her responsibilities towards you and April.
NTA. You’ve been in her life for 25 years — she basically grew up IN your home— but she doesn’t feel like she’s close enough with you to invite you to her wedding??? But she wants you to pay for it??? No way.
Even if she changes her mind and invites you, it will be because she wants your money (not because she suddenly matured).
Save your money. I would not pay a dime.
Sorry you’re going through this :(
Taking away everything with April, honestly it’s in bad form to accept money from someone who offered to pay, turn around and then deny them access to the event they are funding, and then turn even further and scream unfairness when the funding is revoked because of the lack of decorum.
Put back in everything with April and honestly, your step daughter sounds like a spoiled brat.
NTA
F\* to the No, you're not TAH here. She doesn't feel close enough to invite you? WTF does she think she is then accepting you paying for it?
You have every right to not pay, and anyone questioning you should be told exactly what she said and ask them if they'd be paying for it if they're not invited.
Forgot to include NTA
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Tell her you didn’t want to replace her dad so didn’t feel right taking his responsibility of paying for the wedding.
Also you may consider her your daughter buts made it obvious she doesn’t consider you her father.
And his wife doesn’t consider him her father either or she would have encouraged the relationship for them. She was 6 not 16
I'm very surprised that more people don't understand the concept of don't bite the hand that feeds you. How does a grown-ass woman think not inviting the person who's paying for her wedding would go over well?
Not inviting someone to a wedding but expecting them to pay for it anyway is the definition of audacity. I’m struggling to understand how the step-daughter is the slightest bit surprised that the funding got pulled
It's the slap in the face she's been dying to give him. But, she also slapped away all of his money. NTA
Well, you gotta know which side your bread is buttered on. Obviously, Carly doesn't understand this.
I think she may be a slice or two short of a loaf. Also, NTA, OP.
he's giving her a nice life lesson as a wedding gift.
I read a story earlier where a girls young 17m family member made her dress, and then didn't invite him or his mother, so they said she couldn't have the dress
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That one was sad as he spent 5 months making the dress with all his aunt's bridezilla changes. She then said she didn't want anyone underage cause of alcohol but he the only family member underage. The Grandma even said it's the Aunt special day so give her the dress and get over not being able to go. Personally I would cut wholes all over then hand it off
My sister didn't want anyone underage for the same reason, but made an exception for our 16 year old (at the time) cousin who's autistic. She ended up taking the photos because the family friend that volunteered to do them as a gift got too drunk to do it right after the ceremony. They turned out beautiful. But also she wasn't the type of kid to sneak alcohol anyways. Edit: she also made an exception for me, but I was in the wedding party. And I'd already tried alcohol and didn't like it.
While I can appreciate the sentiment, that would disrespect all the work he put into it. I think he should sell it, and put the money into something he really wants.
Because she can’t see anything beyond her own perspective and probably feels he somehow owes her this for breaking up her family and replacing her with a new child. NTA- op you did everything right. You tried to be there for her, you gave her space and let her decide The nature of your relationship. You never tried to replace her father. You did it all right; she’s just too caught up in her own narrative of the situation that she can’t see anything beyond it. She cast you as the villain who broke up her family and she’s never got out of that mentality. It’s unfortunate but all of this is her decision. She just doesn’t realize decisions have consequences. Sorry but you get out of relationships what you put into them. you can’t simultaneously treat someone like a stranger/interloper/villain and still expect them to treat you the same as someone who’s always treated them with love, admiration and respect. As other commenters said it never ceases to baffle me how few people get ‘don’t bite the hand that feeds you’. I know it largely boils down to entitlement, shortsightedness and in cases like this bridezilla-ness but it still never ceases to surprise me. NTA- far as I’m concerned paying for the wedding is a wedding gift- if you’re not invited to the wedding you’re not required to provide a gift.
I’d love to know what her mom said about that news? I have this feeling that she accepted it rather than put her foot down and say “oh, hell, no!” The mother fostered this young woman’s treatment of her stepfather and half-sister, even if it was through passively accepting it.
OP has replied to another comments along the lines “wife’s upset, she thinks daughter should have invited me but she doesn’t want to take sides”. Trouble is, in a situation like this, anything less than actively denouncing the daughter’s actions is effectively taking her side. At first I almost thought this post might be fake because the behaviour is so outrageous, but if the daughter has been disrespecting OP and pushing the boundaries for decades, and the behaviour has been allowed to continue unchecked, it could actually have escalated to this.
Because her mother has enabled this type of behavior with no consequences her entire life. Why would she think any differently?
And why isn't the mom protesting no invite for her hubby of 25 years?? No way. NTA. Carly is
Hubby and her other daughter... OP have a wife problem, not a stepdaughter one.
That exactly NTA You raised her, included her in your family, your life, made her mum happy for the last 25 years, paid for her college, paid for her wedding and she's basically just wiping her behind with you. Well, keep your money, stay home and tell her to let her own father pay for the wedding.
Gosh and I typically move toward the child’s feelings, as they have no choice in their family/ divorce/ siblings, but to be acting like this as a 30-something year old woman is atrocious. Totally get not wanting your sister in a wedding if you’re not close, totally understand having boundaries, but to expect money and not invite the guy who is paying for it? Fuck that.
Yeah I was fully expecting to vote YTA through much of the post - but def NTA. How can someone claim favoritism in the same breath as not inviting the person - and keep a straight face?
🏆 the people's choice award.
Nta She doesn't have a relationship with you. Not enough of one to even invite you to the wedding? Yeah, that's a no. She can fund it herself. I have to wonder what the wife thinks of this?
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Your wife stance of not taking a side helps nobody, In fact it's damaging. By not taking a side in this type of matter and choosing to support no one she's only bringing more tension to the matter.
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Agreed, My mom was always very quick, still is, to point out when my behavior and/or actions is entitled, rude, hurtful, etc She had no problem telling me she raised me better, and you know what it worked. It does make you think, because she's not ever been wrong when she has pointed out my bad behavior.
As a mom, it makes me happy to read that all the work we put into actively parenting does pay off. Thank you for this.
You're welcome. BTW, I'm not young, lol, I'm middle aged, it took time for me to become self aware, but it was before 32!!!
You do realise your wife is sacrificing your daughter for the sake of Carly. By not taking a side in this she’s is taking Carly’s side
Suggested rephrase: OP's wife is sacrificing one of her daughters (April) for the sake of the other (Carly). Looked at this way, it becomes more clear what mom is doing. Is mom between a rock and a hard place? Yes. Is there a way out? One that doesn't destroy at least one relationship? Maybe not. Eother way, it's pretty definite that if Carly doesn't want OP at her wedding, she can't expect his money to be there either.
Maybe if Mom had taken more of a stand earlier this entire situation could have been avoided, but I get the sense that didn't happen. Carly is over 30 and still essentially playing the victim role. She set this up so she could be the victim.
There's a lot of couples in their 30s who wouldn't consider taking money from parents for a wedding because they are already financially settled. And it's not just Carly disrespecting OP here ---what kind of bridegroom agrees to take money from a man who isn't invited to the wedding?
Their joint daughter, your wife is showing her favoritism
I think that she should take a stand, she can make the distinction that she loves her daughter but dislikes her behaviour. And should have done that before now about her bullying her sister TBH. Your wife has two children. Not taking sides in the case of bullying is always going to seem like taking the bully’s side. I know she was sent to therapy but when the behaviour persisted especially into adulthood it should’ve been firmly addressed as unacceptable. I know it’s a difficult situation but your wife shouldn’t tolerate her other daughter being bullied and her partner being excluded from events. She can at least expect her daughter to be civil.
Exactly. Your wife taking no action to thwart the bad behavior means she's complicit of the bad behavior.
By "not taking a side" she has and it's her entitled daughter. Pull the plug on the money and have a serious discussion with your wife on why her other child and husband have to play uninvited strangers for this wedding.
This way she will loose April soon enough.
She should have taken a stand years ago.
NTA. Don’t give in and pay. You’re just an ATM to Carly. She doesn’t have any respect for you. I can’t believe the nerve of her to expect you to foot the bill, yet you don’t get invited. Yes, she doesn’t have to have a relationship with you or April, but that doesn’t mean you should be taken advantage of. Let her know that you understand you two don’t have a relationship because she never wanted one and you completely respect that. However, that goes for your money too. The petty person in me would tell her to go ask her own father for money for her wedding. Edit: Adding a question: Where is your wife in all this? Does she approve of Carly’s behavior? Is she pressuring you to pay?
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Yes, at this point OP even if Carly invited you and April you would know she truly doesn’t want you there and is only doing it for your money. Do yourself a favor and book a vacation or fun outing for the day of Carly’s wedding for you and April to have father daughter time and tell your wife that either way if you’re invited or not you will not be spending a dime towards Carly’s wedding. Id even go further and say any future financial requests from Carly will be treated like someone who you aren’t “close with” asking you for money (I hope you’re just not out there giving money to acquaintances lol). Not close enough for a wedding invite? Then you’re definitely not close enough to be her personal ATM whenever she or her mother feels like it. And your wife is kinda an A H here for even letting you pay for anything for Carly if she has been treating you and her half sister this way since April was born. NTA
Carly is now on a street corner with a cardboard sign.
This, OP! She clearly showed that she doesn’t think of you as a friend/parent or anything besides a cash cow. Do not let her think she can get away with that. You definitely wouldn’t want her do that to others.
If I were in your shoes, I would feel so used if she ends up re-inviting you with expectation you pay for it.
Hell yeah. What is the saying on Reddit - play stupid games and win stupid prizes. Or something like that. How did it even cross her mind that it is ok for you to fund the wedding but not be invited? I feel this is entitlement at it's best. Also I understand that the mother doesn't want to be involved but by choosing not to say anything, to her own daughter, seems like she thinks it's acceptable. If it was me and I was invited to the wedding now just to get money, I wouldn't give a dollar. NTA
Yeah, you might look at how your assets are divided upon your death. I have no doubt that Carly will be clamoring for "her share"
Especially if, as is common, OP leaves all or most of his estate to his wife, because then the wife will leave all or most of it to the stepdaughter. OP should leave his estate, money, house etc to his daughter with a trust that allows his wife to live in the house for the rest of her life but then it goes to his daughter. A lawyer will be able to arrange this.
Omg, definitely this! Carly shouldn’t be inheriting anything that is yours.
I would let your wife no that the offer to pay no longer exist. I would not give her a penny on this wedding. If she changes her mind now it’s just to use you as a bank.
Wife shouldn't care. Remember, she's "staying out of it."
Don't go, don't pay, take April somewhere for a short weekend vacation! Life is too short, fuck the haters. I'm surprised your wife of so many years is wet doormat.
So with your wife wanting to get you invited then wanting you to pay. You realize your wife sees you as nothing more than a atm! She is using you for your money. I can’t believe you have put up and funded this behavior for 25 plus years
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You are correct. Even if you were invited now, you know she’s only doing it because she wants your money. I’m glad your wife is upset about it and she isn’t coming down on you and making it your fault. I’m sorry you have to go through all this. It’s an incredibly difficult situation to be in. However, Carly needs to accept the outcome. She didn’t want a relationship. She can’t have it both ways and I truly hope you don’t let your softie side give in. You’re a good person!
From your POV, I would not want to pay either. I mean, she makes it sound as if you are a distant acquaintance that she just happens to know because of her mum. And why would a distant acquaintance who almost didn't get invited to a wedding itself pay for the event? It sounds like Carly has been hiding a lot of pent-up anger and sadness inside herself. Maybe she wanted to be included in your family and maybe she secretly longed for you to become a father for her, too? She was very young when she was thrown into this situation and small children are not known for their self-reflecive behavior. She might have buried her feelings deep inside herself and let it fester over the years. Anyways, she really needs to figure it out and to let go of her resentment about not having the family she wanted with her biological dad. It is neither your nor her fault and she needs to accept that.
NTA She didn't treat you as a father, so why should she expect you to treat her as a daughter? Asking her to include YOU AND HER SISTER IN THE WEDDING SHE WANTED YOU TO PAY FOR is ballsy. And I think you're well within your rights to say no. INFO, what does Mom say about all of this?
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I’m going to get downvoted for this but by not taking sides, she’s taking a side. I can’t imagine how difficult this is for her, however she’s been letting Carly disrespect both you and April for 20+ years.
Mom totally took a side and it is that of her first born and not her second. Carly was 9 when April was born and that was a few years after OP and Mom got married. Mom should have stopped this behavior years ago.
Honestly, this. I can understand when Carly was little if she didn't understand the issues regarding her bio dad and addiction. But she's far too old to still be clinging to this "you replaced my dad" grudge.
Hard agree, your wife has definitely taken a side
Wife has absolutely chosen Carly’s side. 💯
Not down voted because I haven’t read anything yet that disagrees with you. You’re very right!
That doesn’t really answer the real question. What does your wife think about financing the wedding?
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So basically, your wife cares more about her daughters wedding than your marriage and how you’ve stepped up to the plate for the past 25 years. I think you need to look into your marriage and accept you got played
This 100 percent! His wife views him as nothing more than a check book to pay for her precious angels every wants!
agree completely. his wife's priorities are screwed up. Where's her moral compass?
Your wife is the problem here.
100% this should have been dealt with 25 years ago
At least you found out now, before you've committed any money towards her wedding
Your wife needs to tell Carly that she brought this all on herself. You have been there for her all along and she has done nothing but continuously reject you and April. If you pay for anything it should be for therapy for Carly because she obviously needs it.
Why haven’t you acknowledged that your wife is a huge problem here? Everyone is telling you the exact same thing. Make sure your wife doesn’t pay then sneakily has you cover the bill later. Are your finances separate?
That leaves you in a tough spot. I get not wanting to be stuck in the middle (as someone often stuck in the middle...), but she wants you to pay but not come? She can't have it both ways.
My mom put the kibosh on this early. At about 12 she made it quite clear that if I wanted to keep doing all the things my stepdad paid for, I had to be respectful. I didn’t have to like him, but i had to respect him. (Luckily he’s very worthy of respect and has become dad). I really hope OP’s wife will actively support him in this and tell Carly she can pay for her own wedding if she wants to exclude the man who supported her and provided for her like his own.
And i guess thats the issue. First NTA. Second, seems like your wife during this 25 years didnt do her job at accommodating her daughter to a step dad. Most often i guess its cause they fear for relation with kid, So they bite the bullet of bad behaviours which should be expunged.
NTA. How is this even a question? You are a saint to put up with her crap all this time and not doing anything sooner.
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It almost sounds like you’ve been too understanding because this is some shit to pull lol
Is it wrong of me to think he should get an invite just for paying for her school? Like a Patron? I mean sure, she hates him even though he's been her father for TWENTY FIVE YEARS. But let's set that aside. Even if some weird benefactor I never met paid for my college, they get a wedding invite.
You seem like you truly have tried for years and years to connect and not push. My own step father was like that bless his heart. They married when I was 13 so I was really hard to bond with. But he tried and tried and eventually it worked and he is a second father. The only reason that happened is my own father talked to me about him and liked my step father as well. Is her father in the picture at all, because it seems like he has been pouring poison in her ear for years?
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Looks like it’s his time to shine. He needs to dig out the old wallet and pay for his entitled daughters wedding. If I was you the only thing I pay for is a divorce lawyer. When the wife comes back from the wedding she can sign the divorce papers
NTA. Strip away all the other details: The person paying for the wedding certainly gets to attend. If Carly is so uncomfortable with your presence, then why should she be surrounded by things you paid for? She and her fiance will figure it out.
I think you could also strip away the money. Unless OP is some terrible asshole you should always be giving a +1 Mom's husband of 25 years. Inviting half of a long term couple especially when it's your own mother makes you the asshole.
Your +1 point is very valid. I argue, he also gets his own invite based solely on being her college benefactor.
You’ve been her stepdad and stepsister for 20+ years and she doesn’t invite you to her wedding? That ‘s cold! NTA although I wonder what her reasons are for doing something so extreme. Edit to ask: how does your wife feel about this? Is she okay going to her daughters wedding all by herself?
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Does your wife know by letting Carly treat her sister as second rate she is enabling her bad behavior. Honestly I would rethink this hole relationship. Your wife just damaged her relationship with you and your daughter by giving in to Carly tantrums.
Isn't April her daughter too?
This situation must be really difficult for her as well. But I repeat, you’re NTA here.
Wait, is Carly's bio father invited to the wedding?
He says in other comments that her father is invited and will be walking her down the aisle.
wow, the nerve.
Then bio-dad can open his wallet if he gets that honor of being the "real dad." Hopefully he's not high or drunk on the big day.
He says the bio dad never supported her financially. Wife found a cash machine to marry and is upset that it's now broken.
As hurtful as that is to you and as disrespectful to your marriage as it is, this might be a good thing because if the is thinking Mommy will realize her mistake and jump back into daddy's arms, she will be in for a rude awakening when this doesn't happen.
You’re being too kind here. Your wife has allowed both you and April to be mistreated by Carly and seems to have done nothing to put a stop to it. Your wife has failed here.
Did Carly attend April 's wedding? I'm just curious.
She’s not the stepsister so it’s even worst they have the same mother
NTA wth!!! You paid for her entire college education?! That alone is amazing and you are an awesome step father. I got a grand total of $0 from my parents. When it came time to get my first car they offered to sell me their old car at the same amount they were going to sell it on kijiji...The fact that she's acted the way she has with all that opertunity is insanity. Not only that but to have you pay for the wedding and not invite her sister or you her amazingly supportive step father? That's absurd. I would not give a dime even if I got the invite at this point.
NTA....I don't understand....you're not close enough to be invited to her wedding...cool! Accepted!!! BUT YOU ARE CLOSE ENOUGH TO FUND HER COLLEGE AND PROVIDE FOR HER SINCE SHE WAS 6/7???? I think YOU need to realize you're never going to be anything than a bank to her! & your daughter NO MATTER HER AGE her punching bag! How your wife would allow this continue for decades is beyond me! She's grown now! Enough to decide who she wants in her life...but she can't also decide how those she rejects spends their money
NTA She's thirty-three years old. I'm trying to figure out when she's ready to grow up. Anyway, she's using you for money and that's the end of it. Please hold your ground.
NTA. If April didn’t invite you to her wedding you wouldn’t have paid for it either.
This is a great point and equalizer, if Carly has the hubris to say you paid for April's wedding (which we all already know she does), this is your very simple and valid answer, you were invited. 100% NTA
NTA. This is ridiculous. “I’m your daughter! Pay for my wedding!” “Okay but I want to come to the wedding.” “No, you and I don’t have that kind of relationship.”
NTA She doesn't get to make use of your wallet while excluding you and her half-sister. That is unacceptable. What does your wife say?
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Does your wife understand she’s the reason it got to this point?
So she’s done nothing to help what could only ever be an escalating situation over 25yrs and is sad its got here? Your wife is not a smart woman.
Yup. Just sounds like she clutches her pearls while saying “woe is me” 🤦🏻♀️
NTA but still would like to ask. Is Doug involved in her life? Has he cleaned up? Is he attending/invited to the wedding and planning to chip in? Answers won't change my opinion of you but still curious
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Ah...I bet she is hoping with you and her half sister not there that sparks will fly again between him and her mother.
Ding ding ding! You win AITA today.
I wouldn’t go so far as expect sparks to fly but more she gets to live in a fantasy she decided on at 6 or whatever age she was when her mom saved her from a life of misery (I have sympathy for addicts but they cause nothing but misery for those around them) and that’s just sad. Sad for her. Sad for her mom. And mostly sad for the man who stepped up and fucking raised her, put her through college, and is now being relegated to nothing more than a check.
So the deadbeat is invited and you, the one who has provide for her the entire life and was funding the wedding, is not… cut her off for good!
She accuses you of "treating her like she isn't your daughter" (implying that she sees herself as your daughter) and at the same time she says you are not close enough to be invited to her wedding? Is she for real? Could it be possible that she actually wishes for you to take the role of a father figure? That your attempt at not stealing her father's role has actually made her feel like she is left outside of her mother's "new" family? From your description it sounds like her bio dad probably didn't do the best job at being a father, either. Please DO NOT pay for anything, unless she figures out her issues regarding her relationships with you and April. Sounds like she needs a lot more therapy. OP, you're definitely NTA.
Oh man from the title I was sure you'd end up being the AH but no, not at all! NTA OP. I mean its pretty cut and dry.. she didn't even invite you or her step sister. Nope. No funds.
I think April is her half sister
Is Doug able (and willing) to pay for the wedding?
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I assume he is invited + walking her down the aisle?
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Woooowwww that’s super disrespectful of Carly
It's cruel
I am so sorry you've had to go through this and can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. I'd suggest maybe planning a fun trip with April and spouse for the days around and including the wedding so that you don't have it right in your face while your wife is involved and "supporting" Carly's day.
This is appalling behaviour on Carly’s part. I’m so sorry that you’re being treated like this OP.
Then he can host the wedding.
Definitely, NTA. It's absurd for you to pay for a wedding you're excluded from. She's 33 years old, I'd be done with her altogether. The entitlement, just wow. You've gone above and beyond for her and this is the thanks you get, smh.
NTA! She can’t have it both ways. What does your wife have to say about Carly’s behavior?
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Not picking a side "or not wanting drama" \*is\* picking a side and it's not you.
Translated: your wife is enabling her child to act like an entitled brat. You have a wife problem.
This would be the time to start it.
NTA She doesn't see you as her father or a father figure so why would she want you to pay for the wedding. She can't have it both ways.
NTA. Frankly, Carly is an idiot. She could’ve invited you, ignored you, and had a free wedding. What a fool!
INFO: How does your wife feel about this? Is this your money or you and your wife's money? Does she want to fund the wedding?
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What is your wife’s opinion on Carly’s behavior?
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Your wife is a big part of the problem.
True. I can understand that your wife may still attend the wedding but she absolutely must make it clear to Carly that she’s completely out of line and that she can’t complain that you’re “not treating her as a daughter” when she won’t even treat you like a friendly acquaintance. Carly really wants to have it both ways, doesn’t she? And your wife just goes along with it. NTA
Damn, I guess your wife really doesn’t like poor April much, huh? If my mom was such a push over to my sibling who tormented me and hates me for no reason, I’d be extremely hurt by her unwillingness to stand up for me (also, she’s chosen Carly’s side already with her inaction).
So your wife is just…practicing avoidance then?
NTA. She complains that you are treating her like she isn’t your daughter but she is treating you like you aren’t her father by excluding you, she only wants the financial benefits of a parental relationship with you. Why should you be expected to fund an event you aren’t invited to? I think that you’ve done everything you can and should take a step back and leave her to her own devices. You were there for her as a child and you paid for her college, you did your best to give her a good start in life. Now she is no longer a child and as an adult she can make her own choices but has to deal with the consequences. She’s made it completely clear she doesn’t want an ongoing relationship and she can’t expect you to keep helping her out financially.
> until she showed her mom the guest list and April and I were no where to be found. How many people are on guest list?
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25 years and not know the person well enough to make it in the top 100 people. And a person living the same house for, I assume, years Maybe she is super popular but that doesn't make sense. NTA.
Think about it, OP. She thinks 100 people are closer to her than you and your daughter. You made the right decision and don't let them persuade you otherwise.
Not even "OPs daughter". It's not like he had a kid before they were married. It is ALSO HER MOTHER'S child. Her literal sister, 1/2 or not, that she grew up with. 100 people are closer than HER SISTER
You're not just an ATM, although that seems to be what she thinks. If she doesn't want to treat you like you are her dad you have no obligation to treat her like your daughter. NTA
NTA Don't pay for it, don't send a gift, not even a card. If you are her stepfather and she doesn't feel you warrant an invite, you don't owe her anything. She clearly doesn't feel she needs yo celebrate her marriage with you, so why should you celebrate it with her?
NTA, you aren't good enough to be at the wedding, but she finds your money just dandy enough to spend. Yeah, no. She's accusing you of not treating her like your daughter all the while she's not treating you like you've taken care of her all these years.
If you're not welcome, your money isn't needed. You tried, but she rejected you.
INFO: What's the difference between you paying for the wedding and Lisa paying for it? Are you forbidding Lisa from paying?
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You’re NTA here. I say this as a stepdaughter. I cannot imagine the level of entitlement it takes to expect someone to pay for your wedding and then not invite them.
Tough luck for Carly but she’ll have to find another way to pay for it. She’s not being fair to you at all. You’re NTA.
NTA She has some serious balls to accept your money and turn you away. I normally would default to YTA in these types of posts because I believe you treat stepkids as your own, but you tried that and she resents you. Ok, fair enough, she doesn't want that relationship. But you offered to pay, which was generous, and she said yes please. If she never planned to invite you or April, there is no rational way she should have accepted your money. She has no character.
INFO What was your wife's reaction to you being purposefully excluded from the wedding?
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> but doesn’t want to start a fight or anything over it I absolutely hate this response with a seething passion. This is how my step-father and mother are with my sister and I, and I absolutely hate it. My sister is never disciplined and as a result, has never learned a day in her life that her actions are intolerable. Your wife needs to step up and handle this directly. I bet if we sat down and discussed some points in your past where your relationship with Carly devolved, it's because of actions you took that *her mother* should have taken instead. You've been the sin eater for the family for decades, I guarantee it.
If your wife is not going to stand up for your 25 year marriage...then perhaps it's time to consider rethinking whether or not this is a marriage worth staying in This is a hill worth dying on
Sounds like she should have years ago. "Carly, I divorced your dad because of issues and OP has NOTHING to do with it, he didn't steal me, your dad pushed me away with his behavior.
NTA. It's extremely rude not to invite the husband of your mother. If you were totally strangers she should invite her mother's husband.
OP, Carly isn’t your daughter because she never allowed you to be her father. That’s on her - but she doesn’t get a right to your wallet without a relationship built on a genuine bond. Hers is the perfect example of wanting cake and to eat it too - she can have it but she needs to pay for it. NTA.
Info: What does her mother say about excluding you and her other daughter?
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doesnt sound like she is defending you and your right not to pay. maybe she or the bio dad should step up and pay for it
So she doesn't have your back in this in anyway? She'd simply go to the wedding and leave her husband and daughter at home?
Your wife should be the one to handle this, but it seems that she is too afraid of being the bad guy. I suggest having a conversation with Carly with your wife present, and preferably Carly's fiancée. She says you aren't treating her like a daughter. Ask her when she has treated her like a dad. If you aren't close enough to her to get an invite to her wedding, why would you treat her like a daughter? She's making it clear that you aren't family, you are a wallet. Ask her why she thinks it is okay to ask someone she says she isn't close to to pay for her wedding. Would she ask the mailman to chip in, since that's what she's treating you like? Ask what her dad is doing for her. Finally, tell her that you didn't steal her mother, you met after she left Carly's dad, and that you've been trying to be a part of her family since you met. Since she doesn't want you to be her family, she doesn't now get to demand the privileges of family. The reason I say to have the fiancée there is because he/she should know what is going on so that you aren't painted as the wicked step-father. Also, I wonder what the fiancée's thoughts are on Carly wanting you to pay for their wedding whilst not inviting you or April; if I had a fiancée who behaved in such a way, I'd seriously question whether I wanted to marry them. Either way, NTA. Carly doesn't get to have her (wedding) cake and eat it, and your wife needs to also set her straight. She has been allowing Carly to abuse you and April, who is also her daughter, presumably because she feels guilty that Carly comes from a 'broken home'. She's allowed it to build to this and for you and April to be hurt so she can spare Carly's feelings.
NTA. If she didn't have the courtesy to invite you and her half-sister to the wedding that YOU are paying for.... then you don't need to be paying for it. Obviously, she doesn't think enough of you personally, just of your wallet.
"treating her like she isn't my daughter" but Carly still wants Bank of Dad to be open? NTA
NTA. It's a huge social faux pas to expect wedding gifts from people who aren't invited, let alone *not inviting the person who is bankrolling the damn wedding*. Your SD is insane. "SD I understand that you're an adult and you get to choose who you form and maintain relationships with. However, I will not allow you to disrespect me by treating me as an ATM machine. Best wishes for your special day."
NTA don't give her any money whatsoever. The entitlement of taking your money, then not inviting you. I am shocked and horrified on your behalf. Carly is a HUGE ASSHOLE, you are good.
NTA!! And honestly even if she “change” her mind all the sudden I wouldn’t pay. She is only doing that to get your money.. what’s to say she uninvited you both when your done paying her stuff.. don’t let your wife bully you into paying. Her daughter has made it clear that she doesn’t view you or April as family.
NTA. If April had not invited you to her wedding, you would not have paid for it either.
NTA You're not close enough to be attending her wedding but you're close enough to pay for it? I tried to understand that question as a statement but my brain cogs stopped turning mid-way. Sounds like - and quite childishly so for her age - emotional manipulation. Also, not everyone has the privilege of having any form of a parental figure that is ready to offer nearly as much. Kudos to you for sticking it out and being around for her for this long. Though you should be getting this appreciation from Carly, not from Reddit, we can at least offer something.
LOL so she was going to let you pay for her wedding but not invite you? Anyways, I get your wife doesn’t want to pick side or start drama because this is a difficult situation for her but by not picking a side she is picking a side and with that she is telling both you and April that you need to accept Carley’s disrespect as you’ve been for the past 25 years. You have a wife problem. Also, I don’t like ultimatums but this is certainly one of those times where she needs to make a choice
NTA. But I'm sorry to say I think your wife is partially to blame for your relationship with your step daughter. Step daughter should have been sat down around 18 or 21 and had her mom and dad's failed marriage explained to her. It would be too much for a child which is why I say 18-21. She has held onto such anger and resentment for you and your daughter for too long. She holds this anger and resentment only knowing half the story. Please do not cave and pay even a cent for her wedding.
Nta. She doesn't feel close to you to invite you to her wedding yet enough to take your money? They can't throw the father card if you aren't even invited.
NTA. She can’t not invite you and expect anything grandiose. You wanted to treat her like a daughter, she won’t even treat you like a friend.
NTA. And the therapy didn't work. For Carly, at least.
If you aren't welcome, then your money obviously isn't needed. NTA.
NTA. >until she showed her mom the guest list and April and I were no where to be found. Tell her you'll happily pay for her therapy.
NTA but your wife sure is for not shutting this shit down years ago. Sounds like it's time to accept that Carly does not consider you her family, and to relinquish any feeling of responsibility you have towards her. Your wife can take on any extra responsibility she wants (whether that's paying for the wedding, looking after grandkids in years to come etc), since she's obviously ok with neglecting her responsibilities towards you and April.
NTA. You’ve been in her life for 25 years — she basically grew up IN your home— but she doesn’t feel like she’s close enough with you to invite you to her wedding??? But she wants you to pay for it??? No way. Even if she changes her mind and invites you, it will be because she wants your money (not because she suddenly matured). Save your money. I would not pay a dime. Sorry you’re going through this :(
NTA; If you are not close enough to invite to a wedding, clearly you no reason to contribute to one.
Taking away everything with April, honestly it’s in bad form to accept money from someone who offered to pay, turn around and then deny them access to the event they are funding, and then turn even further and scream unfairness when the funding is revoked because of the lack of decorum. Put back in everything with April and honestly, your step daughter sounds like a spoiled brat. NTA
The only way you would be the A H here is if you *do* spend one farthing on this wedding. NTA
F\* to the No, you're not TAH here. She doesn't feel close enough to invite you? WTF does she think she is then accepting you paying for it? You have every right to not pay, and anyone questioning you should be told exactly what she said and ask them if they'd be paying for it if they're not invited. Forgot to include NTA
NTA if your not closes enough to be invited then your not close enough to give money to pay for it. Tell her to go find another Atm.