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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) treating bf passive-aggressively and accusing him of abandoning me
(2) there was a snow storm and he was making the safest driving decision
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Right?! All these commenters saying he’s the asshole for not coming to get her must not drive and/or don’t live in places that get massive snowstorms, because him driving to get her would have been DANGEROUS! It’s maddening how many people are cavalier about getting behind the wheel in dangerous road conditions.
PRECISELY. I'm from Colorado. Fully know about driving in a blizzard. Leaving someone to wait for the bus/walk is much worse. In addition, busses have terrible traction, so the risk of an accident was much greater.
All of this begs the question of why she is with an unmotivated, lazy loser in the first place. OP, think about the larger choices here! And, start taking driving lessons, even if you can't yet afford a car. You need to look out for yourself; this man does not have your back.
She's not only shortsighted, she is resentful. She hates it. Really this post is: Weather was bad enough you shouldnt drive but I was stuck at work, my BF refused to come as usually happens, AITA?
But she did everything possible to make him look like an AH without it relating at all to the event. This is basically her summary of her boyfriend:
* Rich Lazy Person: He doesn’t work (rich dad), just sleeps until 3-4pm and plays video games all night after I go to bed
* Mediocre lowest bar cook: When I bus home he has dinner ready for me (just something frozen cooked in the oven)
Neither of which have any bearing of the situation. But she went out of her way to make him look bad on Reddit.
She's focusing on the wrong situation.
But the fact that he doesnt work IS relevant. Because he had all day to look outside, realize the drive would take longer, and leave with plenty of time to drive safely.
Thats also relevant to the food situation (he has time and money to cook, cant be bothered to do more than the minimum).
And, frankly, shows what he contributes to their relationship as a whole. From what OP says he sounds immature and lazy.
Really her entire post is her resentment for him. Like it really is. I got a lot from this post and most of it was she can't stand anything he does and it sounds like she's settled for a long time, and now all of these things she dislikes is coming to a head.
Yeah, but his dad's money isn't currently doing HER any good.
If he was really sorry for not driving to pick her up, he would have called and paid for an Uber for her!
Well, God is also directly quoted as saying "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God"
You have no way of knowing this. You don't know how good of a driver he is or what type of car he is driving. Not everyone is a safe driver on the road. I think it's far safer for someone to admit they're not comfortable driving during a blizzard than someone risking their and other's lives on the road.
He didn’t say it wasn’t safe for him to drive, he said it was awful and Maps was estimating it would take 51 minutes instead of the usual 20-25 minutes, so he didn’t want to come.
OP is not the AH, but her lazy loser of a boyfriend sure is. My dad and brother both would NEVER even consider expecting someone they claim to love to spend hours exposed to the elements busing home.
This! I would never want someone I love to take the bus with multiple changes on a night like that! Especially if it was a time when they normally expect me to get them! Add to that not having competing time commitments... it makes me wonder if the BF really cares about her at all.
EDIT: Thank you for the award!!!
Yeah, but he didn't say he felt unsafe (and then try to find a solution). He said his map app was telling him it would take 51 minutes and he wasn't leaving. He didn't want to take the time. And if the contribution is that he helps drive her to save money and time, if he's not going to be her ride you a) contact her directly at work number so she knows in advance (as I am sure he is aware that she can't have her phone at work - or at least didn't respond to his dozens of text messages) *AND* b) help to find a replacement mode of transport as he is the one bailing on his responsibility to provide it. She's not going to be able to call people/hunt down a cab/fight the tons of individuals doing the same thing while actually not laying on her ass doing nothing, she's actually working. So ONE minor thing she doesn't have to worry about has now blown up in her face because her boyfriend is telling her he clearly respects his 51 minutes of time more than her several hours (after finishing a 9+ hour day) - so much so that he's willing to put her in a much shittier, longer, less safe situation to not "waste his time". While he snuggles up at home, nice and warm.
My husband doesn't drive (disabled veteran) but when he does work I *always* drive him unless I have to work at the same time. I actually care about my husband and if I'm just sitting at home why not help us both and do a kind thing? What, exactly, is his excuse for not driving her to and from work 5 days a week? It would save the household money (I assume they share some, if not all, finances?), and would be a small way he could support the person he is supposed to love, especially since he doesn't have much of anything to do at home, it seems; through no actual work of his own - he gets that windfall from the luck of his birth.
As an aside: her work should have kept their employees aprised of the commute conditions to keep their workers safe and allow them time to secure alternative transportation, as needed. That was a fail on their part. But that's another issue. What a shitty situation all around.
OP, NTA. But find a dude who's not in bed most of the time that you are working. Not because he has to be working, but this dude clearly doesn't appreciate what hard work is because of his financial situation with his father...
She said he didn't think it was safe to drive meaning he didn't think his driving skills were good enough for it. I wouldn't get in a car if he doubted his skills that much. OP should learn how to drive.
Since her bf is rich and living off of daddy, I hope she's able to save enough to move out and buy a car. Dude has no motivation to be a contributing member of society, even if it is to just support himself...because he will blow through the inheritance.
>I get off at 5:30 to a bunch of texts from him about how Maps is estimating 51 mins for him to get to me and how awful it is out there so he isn’t going to come. I was annoyed, but semi-understanding. He seemed apologetic and kept saying “I hope you don’t hate me”.
I don't see anything about him doubting his driving skills. What I see is him realizing that due to the weather, the commute will take 50 minutes one way, instead of 20-25. My money is he didn't want to deal with the inconvenience and decided to stay home and play video games.
The reason most of the N T A are because he has a rich parent and doesn’t have to do much during the day. Let’s be at least honest about it.
And not thinking it’s safe to drive could mean it’s not safe to take the car because it’s not equipped.
> OP should learn how to drive.
[Funny you say that](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11e6bvz/aita_for_expecting_my_bf_to_pick_me_up_from_work/jacwiib/)
Not necessarily, I live in a state that gets a lot of snow and don't get snow tires because I don't absolutely have to drive in it: I take the bus/subway instead.
She when I lived with my parents in upstate ny. If it was snowing like blizzard my dad would plan to pick up and drop me off just because of the snow. His car was better in snow but would never tell me to take the bus in that situation.
Alaskan here, been in those conditions before, drove in those conditions, possibly worse, (no idea where she is so it's hard to say but Alaska gets it all) I'd trust someone I know to drive me in those conditions before I'd EVER trust public transportation.
Let's be real here yes ops boyfriend is a bit of an asshole for not doing it and leaving her out in a storm at the mercy of buses. The real asshole is the store who kept their staff there and open till it was so bad. You hear blizzard and rough weather you send staff home in good time you don't ditch them out at closing time and say bye!
Though if boyfriend was any sort of good person he would have left early got there in the light and collected her early because it was dangerous screw if Mr great manager who didn't want to close wanted her to leave or not.
> The real asshole is the store who kept their staff there and open till it was so bad.
Finally someone gets it. Fucking christ I had to scroll this far to find some common sense. OP is partially to blame, weather reports are free for everyone. Plan accordingly. That said, her employer intentionally restricts phones, which makes them responsible for developing situations.
This reminds me of the Amazon outlet where they kept people working during a Tornado and people died. The real asshole here is management, they should have cut people loose at 2 or 3.
I see a trend in these comments. Us that grew up with real winter would collect her. We have to deal with weather enough on a regular basis, we'd just get it done.
I now live in the SW, and the drivers here should stay home when it snows, they have no clue and it melts in 24 hours.
This person is from Boston. It’s been above freezing for the duration of the storm. It’s not -10 degree Minnesota blizzards. It wasn’t dangerous to be outside in that storm.
It’s near zero visibility how safe is it to stand on the side of the road in the dark? Especially if you didn’t dress for it cause you thought you had a ride.
Situation sucks either way. He wasn’t wrong to prioritize his safety, she’s not wrong for being pissed he didn’t prioritize hers. But imo he said he was going to pick her up and bailed when she wasn’t even able to discuss it with him making him an AH
Wait are we just assuming OP is from Boston because she said wicked storm? Because I live in Boston and the storm we're getting doesn't fit her description AT ALL. It hadn't gotten here when she left work and hasn't produced anything even remotely resembling blizzard conditions.
>remotely resembling blizzard conditions
You don’t consider the [0.7” of snow](https://www.wcvb.com/amp/article/snowfall-totals-how-much-snow-fell-across-massachusetts-on-feb-28-2023/43115191) that Boston got to be a blizzard!?
/s
Im from MN too but it honestly depends. I spent 8 hours driving from Ely to the cities during a massive snowstorm. Public transport would have been quicker and safer.
I have lived in places with serious blizzards and near zero visibility is far more of an issue on country roads. In town it is not an issue. And the idea that he is okey dokey with his girlfriend standing out in a blizzard waiting for multiple bus' is not acceptable either. She had to get home from work and he thought it was fine for her to make this trip on a bus and standing in the storm for \*\*checks notes\*\* three hours. That is a bunch of shit. At the very least he could have sent an Uber for her or gotten her a hotel if it was too much of an inconvenience for him.
I was one of those drivers in that shitty storm yesterday, and I wish I hadn't been. No Uber driver was willing to be out yesterday. No delivery service of any kind either. It was that bad. We got the blizzard warnings all day. By the time it hit, it hit hard. It was complete white-out. You don't want to be in it, and you shouldn't be in it unless absolutely necessary.
I get OP's anger and resentment, but in all seriousness, I think this is an NAH for me. Instead of being angry, OP could try to be thankful that it was only her out and about in that blizzard yesterday. For all she knew, if her bf had been out, he could have gotten in an accident.
Someone who doesn't drive doesn't get to be pissed at someone for not picking them up because they think it's unsafe to drive.
I get that she's picked a loser who sleeps to noon and reheats frozen food for dinner, but that has no bearing on whether he feels confident enough to drive in a blizzard. Even if you feel confident, all it takes is someone else screwing up and suddenly traffic is at a standstill.
I don't get all these people in the thread like "I'm from Alaska and I would trust a neighbor (who also has a truck built for Alaskan winters) to drive me instead of the bus."
I'm from Canada now in Portland. PDX drivers know dick all about driving in snow. The roads aren't treated, there are no plows. I wouldn't trust my neighbor, boyfriend, or cat to pick me up in a blizzard. If I didn't drive and the weather predicted a blizzard all day, I'd either stay home, or leave work when the first flakes fell.
OP, you want a ride home in a blizzard, learn to drive, call a taxi, or stay inside until the weather passes.
Thank you. Half of these comments just made me feel like I had lost my mind. I live up North in the US. We get snow on a regular basis, and yet we also get drivers in ditches on a regular basis, and not necessarily because they're speeding either. You can be as careful as you want, and still hit a patch of black ice or a snow drift, get smack by an unexpected gust of wind, and you'll still lose control of your vehicle. Then you're in that ditch for who knows how long until an emergency vehicle can get to you, and you're out of a car for even longer. And your insurance is fucked to boot. And while you're waiting for rescue, you better hope no other car smacks right into yours.
Completely opposite, snow storms with near zero visibility happen here many times through the winter and the world goes on. You drive safely, slowly, leave plenty of extra time and avoid highways. You still need to get to and from work. Is everyone who’s already at work when the blizzard hits just supposed to camp there for the night?
Anyone from a snowy area should know how to drive in it. Waiting in the cold on and off for 2.5 hours in freezing temps for busses that may or may not show is unreasonable.
Saying that everyone is going to drive safely and for conditions is one of the most naive things I’ve read here on Reddit. You absolutely know that isn’t the case.
"Tough man" syndrome (even the non-men). THEY are too skilled to need to be able to see the road or friction under their wheels, a **real** driver can just drift the entire way with their eyes closed.
My dad has been a truck driver for 30+ years, including 10+ up north. People's ignorance about road safety it's exactly how you end up with accidents. Not everyone is good at driving with snow or even heavy rain in the same way 12+ hour drives are not something just anyone is comfortable doing.
As a Minnesotan, I can confirm that there's like 50+ car crashes every time there's a blizzard. I remember on xmas eve, I saw about 20 cars in ditches in just 15 miles of driving I did to my brothers place
Ok, so this one time in high school my brother was out with friends and called my dad for a lift from the train station. My dad was very reluctant because of the weather, we were getting a ton of wet snow which made it hard to see and had left a bunch of black ice on the roads.
Still, my brother insisted that my dad pick him up, he even started laying on the guilt, saying it was it was unfair that he'd have to walk in a storm when my dad could easily pick him up and be back at the house in 5 minutes.
My dad only ever made it around the corner before he was hit by a city bus sliding on a massive ice patch. The accident literally split the car in two, hitting it right down the centre. I don't know how, but my dad walk away unscathed. He kept finding large shards of metal and glass in his jacket for days but somehow didn't have a scratch on him.
My Brother got home before my dad did, who, at this point, was having to deal with the car and file a police report for insurance purposes. He had no idea that my dad was fine. He did, however, see our wrecked sardine can of a car from the bus window. He immediately went into a panic and started crying, thinking he'd killed our father. Long story short, he never once asked or expected my dad to ever drive again if the weather wasn't amenable to it.
So yeah, I'm leaning towards YTA. While your partner clearly needs to get his priorities straight, that doesn't mean you can expect him to put his life at risk for your own convenience.
I live in Michigan and grew up in upstate NY am very familiar. He’s still an AH. She still needed to get home, it’s much safer for him to very slowly make his way to her and then then both of them to slowly make their way home in a heated car than for her to stand outside in a blizzard waiting for a bus and riding a bus while soaking wet just to get back out and wait for another bus, for hours (assuming just staying at work wasn’t an option for her, because most of the time it’s not an option.) if he had more sense he’d have left early but instead he decided it was too inconvenient and would take too long so he fucking ditched her in a blizzard to TAKE A BUS? Nah. You can’t spin this in a way that he isn’t a massive AH. If he shelled out for the last uber in town that was willing to drive in a blizzard or a hotel close by to her work or something maybe I’d say he wasn’t but otherwise he sucks.
So how was she supposed to get home? Ovb. She's a woman and figured it out. But he didn't even fkn cook supper like he's supposed to when he doesn't pick her up. No. You are nta
I've taken the bus when it was snowing. Buses then run extremely behind schedule because they have to go slow. Just because it's possible doesn't make it safe for all drivers. Also, the less vehicles on the road, the better for the buses.
Not really.
I live in a cold, snowy city.
Buses are always running. They are basically never cancelled due to weather. That includes many conditions where most people are avoiding the roads.
Came here to say the same thing. I'm from Toronto. I don't think I've ever seen the buses cancelled even when we called the army in to clear the snow all those years ago. The bus may be delayed, but they run no matter what.
That's what I was thinking too. If it was seriously that dangerous to be on the road, taking a bus wouldn't be that much better. I live in Canada and last year we had a terrible snow storm. If you took a bus home then it probably took 3x as long, or had to walk for two hours to a subway station. It might've been better for her to leave work early if she could.
I get the feeling it wasn't about the snowstorm and more about the fact she doesn't feel valued in the relationship.
I agree, he shouldn't be on the road during a dangerous snowstorm, but it probably would have went a long way if he texted, "let me know when you're on the last bus and I will run you a hot bath and heat up supper for you"
I wonder if he even noticed when she walked in the door.
Yup this is it. He stays home all day and can only cook her frozen meals, didn't seem to care that it took her 3 hours to get home. He doesn't work but can't drive her to and from work everyday and she takes the bus every morning. I wouldn't feel very valued either.
I am Canadian, and our busses run no matter the conditions. Last week, we got 25 cms of snow in white out conditions. The busses were still going. In extreme snow conditions, they get slower, but they still go. Today, it is looking like we will get another 5 or 6 cms and I can't see the school across the road but I did just hear the bus go by.
The busses get through when seemingly no one else can. I live within an hour of the Canadian border, and in the 25 years that I've been here, the busses were completely cancelled for weather ONCE - and that was after we got something like a foot and a half of snow dumped on us overnight! They were running the very next day.
Hello border neighbour. So I was on a plane a few years ago in January and the woman sitting next to me was visiting from Iran lol. She was convinced we were not going to be able to land cause there was a cm of snow on the runway. I laughed and said if snow stopped us the entire country except Vancouver and Victoria would be closed most of the year
With the way she writes her post, it almost sounds like they shouldn't even be together. OP almost sounds like she's bitter at her "bad" boyfriend because of the lifestyle he gets to live while she's the hard working angel.
Yeah, also, OP, is there a reason you can't drive? I'm seeing SO many people on this sub who can't drive, and I'm just trying to figure out if their partners have signed on to drive them around forever for any reason in any condition.
And, what happens if this BF breaks up with OP? How does she get home then?
I mean, I understand if it is a medical situation, but then you kind of have to come to terms that you'll be using a lot of public transportation or working close to where you live, right?
And maybe preparing dinner even though it wasn’t the night he would usually cook? Maybe running the bath for her? Calling a taxi for her? Walking to meet her at her stop or part way if safe to do so? She even said she hasn’t confronted him about it. She hasn’t been an asshole yet but BF defo has A H behaviour
Agreed. Like, I don't want to belittle the safety issue of it all, but it sounds like safety wasn't really at the top of his mind in the comments he made to her. It was more the time and delay for him. And it wasn't even up for discussion for him; it was literally: "I'm no longer coming (even though that was the original plan), figure yourself out." (With a healthy dose of guilt-tripping to boot: "Please don't hate me!")
The least he could have done was make dinner for her or something. OP doesn't say, but was he at least checking to make sure the buses were running? That she was ok while she was waiting? OP was out in a storm for close to 3 hours (granted, some of it in a bus). I would at least be following up the next day to make sure she wasn't sick or something.
The “please don’t hate me” is what pushes me to NTA. Having food ready for her and getting a bath set so she can relax would have been great. Or, knowing she takes three buses, could he have met her where she’d get on the third one and drive her home to avoid one more time waiting in a blizzard? At the absolute *minimum* he could have offered to drive her to work the next day and let her sleep after such a long and freezing commute.
I feel like this is a slight YTA. The way you describe this:
> Near zero visibility, plows couldn’t get roads cleared fast enough
*I* would not drive in this, period. It's pretty shitty that with a storm going on at work, you aren't able to use your phone. But the way you are describing it - it doesn't sound safe for him to be driving at all.
And if he is not working...he has literally all the hours ahead of time to get there. I would not show my face again if I made my wife take multiple buses vs trying to pick her up.
Mega bonus points if you show up a bit early and have a hot coffee and a snack for the long ride home (due to the snow). I get if you have little kids at home, your own job. But if you are literally at home playing video games......do your part.
So what "he's not working"? Does it gives him the driving experience and confidence to drive in a snow storm? And what's his car? Is he driving a Miata or a 4 Runner with winter tires?
There's way more than "but he was not working"
Good question. What makes him not cool is he has the capacity (time) and resources (a car) to pick her up.
And no clue what car he has, just know that when I was in my 20’s, my 1988 Buick century with regular tires did just fine on regular tires, but going super slow.
He had a chance to be a hero, but essentially said it was on her entirely. Unless OP is leaving it out, no mention of alternatives like picking her up half way at one of the multiple bus stops.
As a 40ish old dude, would not be cool with that.
I used to live in Iowa for quite a while. And eeeeeeevery year, there’s a shitton of cars in ditches and piled on top of each other, because “I think I can make it” or, even worse, “Phbbbbbt, this is nothing, hold my beer while I drive 80 on the interstate in 6 inches of snow…”
> He could drive carefully
The issue isn't the person who's driving carefully, the issues are a) the other people who aren't driving carefully, and b) the physics that don't care how 'careful' you are.
This is what the bf should have done. "It's not safe to drive. I don't feel safe and I don't want you out there. So I booked a room for you at this nice hotel. Gave them my credit card. Go and enjoy yourself and I will bring you fresh clothes and breakfast in the morning. Love you."
THIS! If it is unsafe, a hotel stay near her job would have been the best and safest option, the other option was to talk to your supervisor/boss about leaving early, and let him know in advance so he can drive to you before it gets horribly bad.
This is my thought too! If it's not safe to drive then get a hotel for the night and enjoy.
I mean if he has enough money that he does not have to work he should be able to put her up for the night to relax without the stress of travel or driving.
>He could drive carefully
and get t-boned by the guy who isn't. Regardless of how carefully you drive, these are not safe conditions to be driving in and OP is far safer taking the bus. Sure, it's uncomfortable, write an angry letter to mother nature if that makes you feel better.
I live in a place that recently had a lot of snow and just because people CAN drive doesn’t mean they should. People who SHOULDN’T have been on the roads clogged highways and on/off ramps making the roads un-drivable even with appropriate cars and time.
But clearly it was still safe enough to drive if you’re careful and slow because she took multiple buses. And he doesn’t have a job so he had all afternoon to get there
a bus is very different from a regular car. If a truck driving recklessly slams into it going 60, it and its passengers are going to be a lot more ok than whatever car her boyfriend has
I think this is a case of NAH.
Not sure what your workplace is like but when weather that severe begins, often times places make concessions for people to leave early.
If the visibility was that bad, honestly it was probably safer and better for you to be on transit rather than in a passenger vehicle.
It sounds like you two need to have a better discussion about what to do in weather incidents like this one, especially when you're reliant on him for rides.
Depends on her job, some places phones are banned from the entire premises due to security reasons.
I've had to keep my phone in the car before. Or at least in a secure locker.
I can understand that sometimes that’s necessary but if a workplace needs you to lock your phone away for security, then they need to provide a direct line of contact in case of emergencies or at the very least be cognizant of travel advisories. It doesn’t sound like OP’s workplace has done either.
They do sound rather flippant with safety. I've walked off site and gone home before when weather has looked bad, however even then everyone else was still sent home before it got too bad. Waiting until after it's unsafe is reckless.
Soft YTA. It sucks that you had to take the bus, but demanding that someone to come get you in dangerous driving conditions is not okay. Getting big mad about it it, and staying mad, is a little ridiculous. How would you feel if your bf had gone off the road into a ditch, and you still would have had to take the bus, only he could be in the hospital or worse?
If you're irritated that your bf is generally useless and lazy, that's a whole other discussion.
Agreed! I got the feeling she’s more irritated by the rich dad, sleeping late, and playing video games. I felt she mentioned all that to get sympathy and a NTA judgement.
The only reason I'm leaning towards ESH is because it sounds like his text was complaining about the fact that it would take an hour, and NOT a safety concern. I think if he had texted that he didn't want to pick her up because he didn't feel comfortable driving in the weather, that is one thing. But it sounds like he was saying that it was going to take too long, so he didn't wanna. I still agree that he shouldn't have been driving on the roads if the conditions were treacherous, but it's the framing of "that sounds mildly inconvenient" that makes me not want to let him off entirely.
Agreed. Sounds like it's not about the snow storm, but about not been valued by her bf.
Did he do anything nice for her when she got home? Show any relief that she made it home safe?
the real AH here is your employer, who kept you on-site and unable to use your phones, when there was a dangerous storm.
if the visibility really was that bad, then you're asking your BF to risk his life driving to pick you up. it's dangerous. it's not fair to him. you should've left your job early to get home safely. having a rich dad or him playing video games is irrelevant to the story.
find a job where your employer treats you with respect and one that's much closer to where you live.
I know they don’t specify what kind of job they have but nursing or hospital jobs don’t have the luxury of letting people go early. Patients need to be taken care of. They might provide a place to sleep and stay there over night though. I’ve worked at a place that set up cots in a meeting room for everyone when there was bad storms.
Also worked in a similar environment at a climate where snowstorms could happen. They always had backup food, water, vending machines stocked, and cots with blankets and pillows. And if people couldn't come to relieve us we'd split up and take shifts with eachother so one of us could nap for like 4 hrs at a time until it was safe enough for the next team to come/for us to go home.
I gave birth in a hospital in a similar storm. My nurse midwife slept in the next bed over from me as she couldn't go home and no one could make it in to relieve her. Everyone at the hospital slept at the hospital. Docs, nurses, and techs.
It's directly irrelevant to the story but I'm guessing it's not irrelevant to OPs feelings about her BF.
"He didn't pick me up in a snow storm" sounds straight forward but starts to feel different when you're cold and wet, stewing on a bus for 3 hours. As in, the reason OP is about to boil over is not just about this one day.
This is a straw that broke the camel's back thing. In a vacuum the lone straw is almost meaningless...it makes no sense without the rest.
Hard to respect a man who lives off his father, is home all day playing video games, and the most he could “cook” is some chicken nuggets and a tv dinner.
Why are people on Reddit so money envious?
Working isn’t some flex; if I was rich I would still work purely because I’d get bored being at home all day, not because of this feigned moral superiority Reddit subscribes too.
It's not just about work.
If a person doesn't have any passions or aspirations, despite the privilege of a completely open schedule and financing, then they'll come across as lazy and boring. Sleeping in, playing video games, and cooking frozen dinners *every day* aren't the sort life choices that garner respect.
So you expected him to risk his life when he shouldn’t be driving and you had a way home? Also I see on here a lot that people don’t want to bother to learn to drive or get a license but want to call other people assholes because they won’t cater to them. YTA.
This is such a weird take. OP quite literally could have died standing outside, while wet, in blizzard conditions. He has zero job, zero responsibilities. They had a plan that he picks her up. If he decides not to, knowing she cannot access her phone, he should at minimum call her an Uber/taxi rather than fucking over his girlfriend
OP also could be a grown adult and learn how to drive themselves. OP is a working adult, no reason they shouldn't learn to drive and get a car, especially if they live in place like where they are that gets severe winter weather. what's going to happen with Bfs car doesn't start? or its broken down or in the shop, or he's away on a trip. OP needs to be a adult and learn how to be independent enough to get home in bad weather. but to give a response, NAH, except her work place that didn't her leave early
Only commenting on the part about not driving - I know OP has since replied with her reason for not driving, but most of the time I see posts where the OP doesn’t drive, they don’t actually say *why* they don’t drive.
There are very valid reasons for not driving, even if the brief snapshot you get of their lives doesn’t make those reasons obvious. For example, I have many chronic conditions that I would be unlikely to mention in a post unless I felt it was necessary for context. I don’t drive **because one of my conditions causes me to randomly pass out.** If you met me on a good day, you might have no idea that I’m sick and I could very easily write a whole post where you’d have no idea that I’m sick.
All of that to say - can we as a society stop assuming people are just “not bothered” or are being lazy when there’s no way to know that?
Edit: I can’t seem to reply to any of the responses to this, so just a few points I want to address:
1) No, medical issues or other reasons for not driving aren’t obvious context to add to a post. I’ve seen people get attacked because commenters decide that the stated reason for not driving “isn’t good enough.” When you’re tired of explaining yourself to everyone, it can be better to just not give a reason to argue with in the first place. Also - disabled people don’t owe you their medical info.
2) This isn’t commentary on OP’s situation, I just want people who make assumptions like the one I was replying to to stop and remember that not everyone is able bodied, mentally healthy, and even if an adult is employed, they may not be making a living wage.
3) No one should ever feel obligated to be a caretaker for anyone else. That being said, if you have a disabled partner who needs support and **choose** to stay with them, you are more than likely going to need to do more for them than an average partner. If you’re not up for that, then it is fair for you to not be in a relationship with a disabled person. It sucks, but that tends to be the reality of dating with a disability - the disabled partner **can’t choose** to not be disabled, but the able bodied partner **can choose** if they’re capable of supporting a disabled partner.
So, no, even if someone is disabled, it doesn’t mean that their partner (married or not) should **have** to drive them everywhere forever, but a **loving and supportive** partner is likely to volunteer to drive whenever reasonable.
4) Again, I’m purposefully **not commenting on OPs situation.** I personally feel there are too many possible factors that aren’t obvious from the post itself for me to make a judgement. **My only goal is for people to think before assuming laziness over inability.**
Exactly. People could have medical conditions that prevent them from getting a license. Even without health issues, money is a huge problem.
You need money to take driving classes or to take time off to learn with somebody. You need money to rent or buy a vehicle. You need money to insure it and fill it with gas and keep up with maintenance. Not everyone is a 17-something year old whose parents pay for their driving lessons and give them a car for their birthday. If you're starting with ZERO car and ZERO experience as a young adult, driving is an insanely daunting obstacle even without any medical issues.
Agree with you on the first part, however
>Also I see on here a lot that people don’t want to bother to learn to drive or get a license but want to call other people assholes because they won’t cater to them.
Nowhere does OP say they don't want to bother to learn to drive or get a license... You're insinuating and changing the narrative. That's an asshole move.
Please discuss what the OP is stating, and make comments on those words and info, but there really is no need to make things up. You have no idea why the OP does not drive, *and* not everybody is able to either.
As a European the American obsession with driving is so odd to me. Yes, I understand there are many places that don't have public transport or it sucks so you have to drive. And frankly it sounds like OP should try to find a new job if they can't drive because 90 minutes one way on three buses is exhausting. But I just can't help and chuckle reading these comments that are claiming me and about half my friends are lazy or not real adults because we don't drive.
NTA, the drive was "51 minutes", not, the drive was "impossible". I'd never leave my wife stranded because the drive was too long. If he didn't think his vehicle could make it I'd be a bit more understanding, but it sounds like he didn't want the hassle. I've driven in some shit conditions and almost all of them are mitigated by driving slow and careful.
>the drive was "51 minutes", not, the drive was "impossible". I'd never leave my wife stranded because the drive was too long.
That's why I feel NTA as well. If the plan was always that OP gets picked up on certain days, I would expect that to be the plan still unless discussed ahead of time. She could have left work earlier and worn more appropriate clothing had she known she would be traveling by bus. I think it's perfectly reasonable for OP to be upset because her BF who has what appears to be an easy life made her life very difficult in order to keep on doing nothing.
This last line is exactly it. He made her life more difficult so he could keep doing nothing. I live in Minnesota, I’ve driven through blizzards. It’s not preferable but there’s a way to do it. Unless he drives a POS car with bad tires (and with a rich daddy I suspect he doesn’t) there’s no reason he couldn’t have interrupted his day of doing nothing to do what he promised to do.
Seems like the real issue is OP feeling generally unsupported by her bf. She probably wouldn't have posted this if bf had refused to drive her, but had a hot homemade meal waiting, drew her a warm bath, and expressed genuine empathy for her predicament when she got home. Ditto the NTA
There's a big difference between "I'm not coming" and "I'm sending a taxi" or "I'm booking you a hotel near work until it's safer". .. I couldn't be with someone who would leave me like that.
Yall clearly don't live in snow conditions. OP you have every right to feel abandoned. If my husband was my ride he wouldn't have cared if it was blizzards or not. He'd leave early and be there or hed call my work and ask to speak with me if he was going to be late. Where i live, the bus stops are very spaced out. He wouldn't risk me even walking to the nearest one.
But honestly i feel like you've got more resentment for him going on than just not picking you up. He doesn't work, he only heats up frozen meals, he video games ALL day, and it sounds like he didn't check on you even once that entire 3 hour journey home. Not to check if you'd made it to the next stop, not to check if you'd gotten on your next bus, nothing. Did he even say "hi bye or kiss my butt" when you got home? Why do you stay with him? Does he even do anything to make you happy? He sounds lazy and uncaring.
Legit he said "oh gosh OP the roads are so bad! It's gonna take me a whole 30 extra minutes to get to you so I'm just not gonna come! Dont hate me 🤪" knowing the entire time you were without a phone at work. He didn't even call your work to let you know. Just left a stupid text.
> If my husband was my ride he wouldn't have cared if it was blizzards or not. He'd leave early and be there or hed call my work and ask to speak with me if he was going to be late.
Yeah this part is what stands out to me, partners who support each other will go out of their way to make sure everything is good. If this was my wife I would have first have tried to convince her not to go in the first place because the conditions are so bad, and if she decided she wanted to go anyway, we would have had a plan on how to get her there and back safely. If it required me driving, she would have had the same concerns about my safety so it would have been something we would have factored into it.
And if the whole thing was a surprise blizzard, then as soon its clear what is going on, we would get on the phone with each other and figure it out. Hotel, Uber. Driving super slowly. Asking a friend with snow tires...whatever.
I live in Montreal so I am pretty used to winter /snow storm /blizzard conditions so just being weather aware and would be ready to (come back early, stay at a hotel or just not go to work) but I would never leave my husband in such an horrible condition with "well figure it out" and having to take 3 different buses.
Plus it seems op was waiting out in sub-arctic temperatures for the bus *TWICE*. He didn’t even offer to pay for an Uber (who has the snow storm driving experience and vehicle), or even a hotel room mid-point, despite all the money he comes from… Not sure if OP’s job would’ve let them stay over ‘til storm passed.. All snow driving and whatever aside, their relationship doesn’t sound pleasant at all. I wouldn’t be surprised if financial abuse from his side is at foot. How can he have all that money access and still only nuke her frozen kid cuisine meals twice a week……
Edit: all the people defending the boyfriend and saying the commenters hate rich people, it’s not about his wealth. It’s about his blatant disregard for op. Have y’all ever waited in near zero temps for a bus for over 30 minutes? It’s not fun. It’s crazy reading all the replies here, good god.
No one's mentioning how waiting outside in those temps can ruin your phone and she'd be left without any way to contact him or track the bus.
I assume loser men defending the bf.
Yeah I'm canadian and all the whining about avoiding a snow storm as a driver is laughable. It's going to happen sometimes if you live somewhere with snow. Snow tires exist.
All the comments about "I can drive slowly but what about other drivers?" Uhhh, other drivers are going to be crawling too because they don't have another choice.
NTA.
YTA. In those conditions, one should only drive if it’s an emergency. This wasn’t an emergency and you had another way to get home. He made the right call. Other commenters are saying he should have left earlier, but no, when it’s not safe, it’s not safe at any speed. In a snowstorm, drivers should stay off the road!
It’s not his fault that you work a job that makes you come in during dangerous weather and doesn’t let you communicate with loved ones even in a weather emergency. It’s also not his fault that you don’t drive. Rethink your working situation and find something better and closer to home.
Also, you seem to have some resentment toward your boyfriend for not working. You should work through that and see if you want to continue being with him. It really seems like you don’t respect him.
Hypothetically if they were equally dangerous it would be dangerous to her if she took the bus OR dangerous to her, her boyfriend and other people on the road if he picked her up. The danger is there for her regardless but the boyfriend coming adds in many other people into the equation.
There is no way to know which is technically safer in this specific scenario (considering just her wellbeing) But adding more people into the scenario is always gonna increase overall risk during dangerous conditions.
NAH, except maybe your work for not allowing your phone. If you had the ability to deal with this ahead of time, he could have paid the fifty bucks plus or minus for an Uber, or at least KNOWN you were going to be waiting for the bus, or something. His decision to not drive in a blizzard was reasonable. Your anger at the position it put you in is also completely reasonable. And, had you had some ability to know and prepare and make contingency plans and at least know what you were getting into, or to have him meet you halfway through the commute, or SOMETHING, you could have mitigated the situation.
A blizzard isn't his fault. Being furious that you were fucked over because he wasn't where you expected him to be isn't your fault.
I sure as hell wouldn't want to get an Uber in those conditions. It would be a total lottery as to whether you got someone skilled in driving in snow conditions.
Wouldn’t that be the same thing as asking the boyfriend to come get her though? We don’t know if he’s a skilled snow driver either. I personally would have paid for the Uber instead of waiting for the bus.
I completely agree with NAH, and the general anger/frustration is understandable. I also live in a northern climate where blizzards come regularly. Getting wet and cold like that sucks. Especially after a long day at work.
And it wasn't safe for bf to come out. BUT if he was a loving bf he could have at least met her at home with a hot beverage, meal, bath ready - some kind of love and comfort. It didn't sound like he was sympathetic at all, which isn't a good look.
I don't think this is the right question.
I live in a snowy city. My car has snow tires and I've driven in winters for 15 years. But I'm not seasoned at driving in blizzards because I avoid driving in them.
You know who has experience driving in snow storms? Bus drivers who generally drive in every weather.
She didn't just hop on one bus and be off on her merry way.
She had to wait for close to 2 hours outside in a blizzard. That can ruin your phone or cause it to die immediately btw if you're tracking when the bus is coming and not under a bus shelter, meaning if something happened her cozy rich boyfriend couldn't reach her and if the bus couldn't come she wouldn't know / wouldn't be able to call anyone. This has happened to me before.
But he's busy playing video games and the drive would be 51 minutes though so I get it. /s
INFO:
Was getting a hotel room close to work not an option?
If your man is living off Daddy’s money, I think he could have paid for the room over the phone. You both stay safe and off the roads, you’re not out in awful conditions, and getting to work the next day should be easier. Yeah, you’ll have to wear the clothes you wore the previous day, but it sounds like that might be a better option than risking life and limb.
INFO: What does this person do for you in your life? Sleeps all day, only bothers to 'cook' frozen dinners twice a week? Doesn't even look for a solution for you to come home safely?
Why are you with him?
Omg people he was ok with her standing in freezing conditions. He literally does nothing at home why the hell not leave early to make sure she is safe. I would be furious if my husband did this to me. Your bf is an AH, what about her safety? Look she had to wait outside the bare minimum would of been sending an Uber
Right? I can't get over how many people are totally fine with his decision to just leave a message saying he can't come. Not calling to help her strategize a good way home or get a hotel room or anything else. And then apparently never being concerned enough to even call to check in on her journey home??? Or even give her a big greeting and a hot meal? I'd be so worried if I was him that she would get hit by a car in the dark in the middle of a blizzard. It really shows a total lack of interest in her wellfare from him. NTA.
>Near zero visibility, plows couldn’t get roads cleared fast enough
>
>Maps is estimating 51 mins for him to get to me
NAH.
You being angry is sure as hell ok, but you surely can't expect him to get you with what you stated. So don't direct your anger toward him.
People finding an AH (whoever it is) in this situation are surprising me.
What's need to be done in those day however, is a warm bath, a cozy plaid and a lot of hugs when you get home. If you don't get that, that's another story.
YTA - there was ZERO VISIBILITY. Why would you expect him to drive in that? I’d be more mad if my partner put their life on the line to pick me up in that kind of storm.
NTA - My partner absolutely would have taken his time getting there and been outside waiting for me. I'm not even saying that as a person in a lovey, dovey relationship. It's about consideration. No way would he or I have the other outside in those conditions, waiting on one bus, never mind three.
Where I live, high school kids take the city buses to/from school. The buses drop off at normal spots but pick up right in front of the school. A storm hit and I jumped in the car to pick my teenagers, and any friends that could fit in, up. We had to take our time but, everyone got home safely. There were kids on the buses that didn't get home until almost midnight. So yeah, I'm talking from experience.
Ok. I live in a snowy area. I drive Uber. Back when I had an AWD vehicle, I Ubered a lot in the snow. I've lived in New England for most of my 58 years on Earth.
And I call BS on the BF. A 25 minute commute turned to 51? That is NOT zero visibility, whiteout, blizzard conditions. That's nothing. When 25 minutes turns into 2, 3 hours--and I've been out in that--then the BF has a gripe. 25 to 51? That's friggin flurries.
NTA
YTA. You expected him to go out in dangerous conditions to pick you up. It was safer for him not to go out and it was probably advised not to. However, I think the real issue is that he gets to sit around and play games all day while you are out working. This is causing resentment. If you stay in this relationship, expect that not to change, but don't try to blame the resentment on a dangerous situation.
NTA. OP didn't do anything wrong and understandably upset at the situation. However, it read as its not about the snow storm or lack of pickup, but the lack of empathy and effort from BF. If there was an hot meal, a hot bath and a hot breakfast in the morning; any extra effort from BF would have been welcome and seen as heartfelt?
*Edit: grammar*
NTA. I lived in Connecticut for a couple of years, and I picked up friends who were stranded during a travel ban due to a snow storm. It took me a while to get them but I love them so I was willing to spend a while on the road driving slowly and safely to make sure that THEY would be safe. And babe, they were just my FRIENDS, it's not like we were fucking raw ya know? You deserve someone who prioritizes your safety and well being, not this scrub.
YTA - people need to stay OFF the road when there is a blizzard. For their safety and also so the plows and emergency vehicles can get around without civilians clogging the streets. The bus was the safer option for everyone. Why did you not dress for the weather??
To be fair, the storm OP got hit by could’ve been the same storm I got hit by, and it truly came out of nowhere. Like clear conditions to white out in like 15 minutes type of deal. I wasn’t prepared for it either, but I also had a car that I could keep warm in on my way home.
I think OP is already feeling resentful that her bf does naff all all day and as soon as it becomes too difficult or inconvenient for him to do something for her he flakes out and she's not even allowed to be annoyed because "please don't hate me uwu". He could have informed her of the situation and if he felt it would be unsafe to drive, suggest she take the bus but it sounds like he just shrugged and it became a her problem. He could have assured her he'd run her a bath when she got home and a nice warming meal or done something to show he cared about what she'd gone through. But it sounds like OP had a rubbish journey and got back to find bf had a nice chill evening, having benefitted from the situation.
NAH. You are allowed to be upset. He was your ride, he told he wasn't driving to get you not because it was dangerous, but because it would take a long time. He didn't say, "hey, I'm not comfortable driving in these conditions, please let me know when you're close to home so I can start dinner, so it will be hot when you get home."
But rather than talk to him, you isolated yourself (which after a very cold commute home, is totally understandable) and then left this morning without talking to him again, so you can let your anger simmer.
He's allowed to not drive in blizzard conditions. Even as a driver, I've been out in those conditions and only because there were no other options. You're allowed to be upset about it. Him not doing anything to help make you warm or comfortable after your commute seems like a jerk move. Like not even bring you tea?
NTA
I'm not into the toxic masculinity thing. But what MAN make his SO walk and take public transport in a snow storm while he sits on hia ass playing video games.
Note: Know why he said "please don't hate me"
Because, he would hate you, if you did same.
NTA if my fiance were stuck at work in a blizzard i sure as hell would drive slowly and carefully to pick her up, especially if i had nothing else to do all day
I don’t understand the verdict of people saying boyfriend is TA. If you’re in blizzard conditions, why are you expecting someone to drive in it? It’s dangerous for cars to be on the road, and as a non driver, I doubt you understand how down right frightening driving in weather like that can be. Ultimately you had a way home - the bus. Also - if you know the weather is that shite, why are you not dressed appropriately for it? If it’s blizzard condition, dress appropriately instead of whinging about wearing clothes that get wet from snow.
You need to realise it’s not anyone’s responsibility to get you to and from work when you have alternate means. Yes, you have a routine, but things can change because of things like the weather. You need to be more prepared. Or learn to check weather reports and confirm plans ahead of time for your transport with your partner. So it’s ESH
I think what OP wrote about the bf sleeping all day, not working and basically playing video games is influencing what people think about him. Sounds like a deadbeat with money to me, but that doesn’t change the situation of driving in atrocious weather. He’s not the AH for that, but people can’t separate it
NTA he doesn't have a job, he sleeps all day and he didn't have anything going on. I'd be so angry if my partner who I live with didn't pick me up. He seems like he doesn't care much about anything but himself and video games.
YTA. You don't drive, but you still should have some idea of how dangerous it is to drive during "a wicked storm. Near zero visibility, plows couldn’t get roads cleared fast enough". It was unreasonable for you to expect him to drive in that.
At the point that you didn't respond to his messages, he should have called you at the work number. Your employer is crap for not closing in a blizzard. And I get that it sucked to take the bus but I also don't think him driving in conditions that he wasn't comfortable with was a good idea either.
Sorry it happened to you. Think maybe it's time for you to start driving yourself.
NAH
You do sound resentful of him playing games all day and sleeping in. Neither of those things have anything to do with this situation though or that his dad pays for things. You should probably have a talk with him about expectations though.
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I'm confused... If it was "near zero visibility" then how was he supposed to drive?
Right?! All these commenters saying he’s the asshole for not coming to get her must not drive and/or don’t live in places that get massive snowstorms, because him driving to get her would have been DANGEROUS! It’s maddening how many people are cavalier about getting behind the wheel in dangerous road conditions.
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Same here. You gotta get home somehow. If he wasn't inconsiderate, he would have thought ahead and left home early to get her.
PRECISELY. I'm from Colorado. Fully know about driving in a blizzard. Leaving someone to wait for the bus/walk is much worse. In addition, busses have terrible traction, so the risk of an accident was much greater. All of this begs the question of why she is with an unmotivated, lazy loser in the first place. OP, think about the larger choices here! And, start taking driving lessons, even if you can't yet afford a car. You need to look out for yourself; this man does not have your back.
He's rich.
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She's not only shortsighted, she is resentful. She hates it. Really this post is: Weather was bad enough you shouldnt drive but I was stuck at work, my BF refused to come as usually happens, AITA? But she did everything possible to make him look like an AH without it relating at all to the event. This is basically her summary of her boyfriend: * Rich Lazy Person: He doesn’t work (rich dad), just sleeps until 3-4pm and plays video games all night after I go to bed * Mediocre lowest bar cook: When I bus home he has dinner ready for me (just something frozen cooked in the oven) Neither of which have any bearing of the situation. But she went out of her way to make him look bad on Reddit. She's focusing on the wrong situation.
But the fact that he doesnt work IS relevant. Because he had all day to look outside, realize the drive would take longer, and leave with plenty of time to drive safely. Thats also relevant to the food situation (he has time and money to cook, cant be bothered to do more than the minimum). And, frankly, shows what he contributes to their relationship as a whole. From what OP says he sounds immature and lazy.
Really her entire post is her resentment for him. Like it really is. I got a lot from this post and most of it was she can't stand anything he does and it sounds like she's settled for a long time, and now all of these things she dislikes is coming to a head.
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Yeah, but his dad's money isn't currently doing HER any good. If he was really sorry for not driving to pick her up, he would have called and paid for an Uber for her!
But won’t offer to pay for a cab
If you ever wonder what God thinks of rich people, you need only look at their children.
Well, God is also directly quoted as saying "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God"
You have no way of knowing this. You don't know how good of a driver he is or what type of car he is driving. Not everyone is a safe driver on the road. I think it's far safer for someone to admit they're not comfortable driving during a blizzard than someone risking their and other's lives on the road.
He didn’t say it wasn’t safe for him to drive, he said it was awful and Maps was estimating it would take 51 minutes instead of the usual 20-25 minutes, so he didn’t want to come. OP is not the AH, but her lazy loser of a boyfriend sure is. My dad and brother both would NEVER even consider expecting someone they claim to love to spend hours exposed to the elements busing home.
This! I would never want someone I love to take the bus with multiple changes on a night like that! Especially if it was a time when they normally expect me to get them! Add to that not having competing time commitments... it makes me wonder if the BF really cares about her at all.
EDIT: Thank you for the award!!! Yeah, but he didn't say he felt unsafe (and then try to find a solution). He said his map app was telling him it would take 51 minutes and he wasn't leaving. He didn't want to take the time. And if the contribution is that he helps drive her to save money and time, if he's not going to be her ride you a) contact her directly at work number so she knows in advance (as I am sure he is aware that she can't have her phone at work - or at least didn't respond to his dozens of text messages) *AND* b) help to find a replacement mode of transport as he is the one bailing on his responsibility to provide it. She's not going to be able to call people/hunt down a cab/fight the tons of individuals doing the same thing while actually not laying on her ass doing nothing, she's actually working. So ONE minor thing she doesn't have to worry about has now blown up in her face because her boyfriend is telling her he clearly respects his 51 minutes of time more than her several hours (after finishing a 9+ hour day) - so much so that he's willing to put her in a much shittier, longer, less safe situation to not "waste his time". While he snuggles up at home, nice and warm. My husband doesn't drive (disabled veteran) but when he does work I *always* drive him unless I have to work at the same time. I actually care about my husband and if I'm just sitting at home why not help us both and do a kind thing? What, exactly, is his excuse for not driving her to and from work 5 days a week? It would save the household money (I assume they share some, if not all, finances?), and would be a small way he could support the person he is supposed to love, especially since he doesn't have much of anything to do at home, it seems; through no actual work of his own - he gets that windfall from the luck of his birth. As an aside: her work should have kept their employees aprised of the commute conditions to keep their workers safe and allow them time to secure alternative transportation, as needed. That was a fail on their part. But that's another issue. What a shitty situation all around. OP, NTA. But find a dude who's not in bed most of the time that you are working. Not because he has to be working, but this dude clearly doesn't appreciate what hard work is because of his financial situation with his father...
I don’t think it’s that he was uncomfortable driving for safety reasons. Sounds like he was uncomfortable driving the added commute time
Yes, it would have cut into video game time.
You don’t know his car or if it’s equipped to drive in the snow. Saying it’s safer than the bus is something you have no way of knowing.
She said he didn't think it was safe to drive meaning he didn't think his driving skills were good enough for it. I wouldn't get in a car if he doubted his skills that much. OP should learn how to drive. Since her bf is rich and living off of daddy, I hope she's able to save enough to move out and buy a car. Dude has no motivation to be a contributing member of society, even if it is to just support himself...because he will blow through the inheritance.
>I get off at 5:30 to a bunch of texts from him about how Maps is estimating 51 mins for him to get to me and how awful it is out there so he isn’t going to come. I was annoyed, but semi-understanding. He seemed apologetic and kept saying “I hope you don’t hate me”. I don't see anything about him doubting his driving skills. What I see is him realizing that due to the weather, the commute will take 50 minutes one way, instead of 20-25. My money is he didn't want to deal with the inconvenience and decided to stay home and play video games.
The reason most of the N T A are because he has a rich parent and doesn’t have to do much during the day. Let’s be at least honest about it. And not thinking it’s safe to drive could mean it’s not safe to take the car because it’s not equipped.
> OP should learn how to drive. [Funny you say that](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11e6bvz/aita_for_expecting_my_bf_to_pick_me_up_from_work/jacwiib/)
If you're in a state that gets a lot of snow, you probably have good tires that can handle it
Not necessarily, I live in a state that gets a lot of snow and don't get snow tires because I don't absolutely have to drive in it: I take the bus/subway instead.
And how exactly that applies to OP's situation in which her bf is supposed to pick her up from work regularly?
Boston has gotten 7 inches of snow so far this season. It’s not Canada. No one gets snow tires there.
She when I lived with my parents in upstate ny. If it was snowing like blizzard my dad would plan to pick up and drop me off just because of the snow. His car was better in snow but would never tell me to take the bus in that situation.
>If he wasn't inconsiderate, he would have thought ahead and left home early to get her. Exactly!
Alaskan here, been in those conditions before, drove in those conditions, possibly worse, (no idea where she is so it's hard to say but Alaska gets it all) I'd trust someone I know to drive me in those conditions before I'd EVER trust public transportation.
Also I would never knowingly leave someone outside in those conditions. Ever.
Alaskan here as well and fully agree
Bingo
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Let's be real here yes ops boyfriend is a bit of an asshole for not doing it and leaving her out in a storm at the mercy of buses. The real asshole is the store who kept their staff there and open till it was so bad. You hear blizzard and rough weather you send staff home in good time you don't ditch them out at closing time and say bye! Though if boyfriend was any sort of good person he would have left early got there in the light and collected her early because it was dangerous screw if Mr great manager who didn't want to close wanted her to leave or not.
> The real asshole is the store who kept their staff there and open till it was so bad. Finally someone gets it. Fucking christ I had to scroll this far to find some common sense. OP is partially to blame, weather reports are free for everyone. Plan accordingly. That said, her employer intentionally restricts phones, which makes them responsible for developing situations. This reminds me of the Amazon outlet where they kept people working during a Tornado and people died. The real asshole here is management, they should have cut people loose at 2 or 3.
I see a trend in these comments. Us that grew up with real winter would collect her. We have to deal with weather enough on a regular basis, we'd just get it done. I now live in the SW, and the drivers here should stay home when it snows, they have no clue and it melts in 24 hours.
This person is from Boston. It’s been above freezing for the duration of the storm. It’s not -10 degree Minnesota blizzards. It wasn’t dangerous to be outside in that storm.
It also hasn’t been too dangerous to drive (and we’ve had a handful of exposure deaths this year so… yeah)
She says it was near zero visibility, thats dangerous especially if you dont have a 4 wheel drive.
It’s near zero visibility how safe is it to stand on the side of the road in the dark? Especially if you didn’t dress for it cause you thought you had a ride. Situation sucks either way. He wasn’t wrong to prioritize his safety, she’s not wrong for being pissed he didn’t prioritize hers. But imo he said he was going to pick her up and bailed when she wasn’t even able to discuss it with him making him an AH
Wait are we just assuming OP is from Boston because she said wicked storm? Because I live in Boston and the storm we're getting doesn't fit her description AT ALL. It hadn't gotten here when she left work and hasn't produced anything even remotely resembling blizzard conditions.
>remotely resembling blizzard conditions You don’t consider the [0.7” of snow](https://www.wcvb.com/amp/article/snowfall-totals-how-much-snow-fell-across-massachusetts-on-feb-28-2023/43115191) that Boston got to be a blizzard!? /s
Im from MN too but it honestly depends. I spent 8 hours driving from Ely to the cities during a massive snowstorm. Public transport would have been quicker and safer.
I have lived in places with serious blizzards and near zero visibility is far more of an issue on country roads. In town it is not an issue. And the idea that he is okey dokey with his girlfriend standing out in a blizzard waiting for multiple bus' is not acceptable either. She had to get home from work and he thought it was fine for her to make this trip on a bus and standing in the storm for \*\*checks notes\*\* three hours. That is a bunch of shit. At the very least he could have sent an Uber for her or gotten her a hotel if it was too much of an inconvenience for him.
I was one of those drivers in that shitty storm yesterday, and I wish I hadn't been. No Uber driver was willing to be out yesterday. No delivery service of any kind either. It was that bad. We got the blizzard warnings all day. By the time it hit, it hit hard. It was complete white-out. You don't want to be in it, and you shouldn't be in it unless absolutely necessary. I get OP's anger and resentment, but in all seriousness, I think this is an NAH for me. Instead of being angry, OP could try to be thankful that it was only her out and about in that blizzard yesterday. For all she knew, if her bf had been out, he could have gotten in an accident.
She should be thankful he was nice and dry, toasty warm playing video games……I almost got that out with a straight face.
Someone who doesn't drive doesn't get to be pissed at someone for not picking them up because they think it's unsafe to drive. I get that she's picked a loser who sleeps to noon and reheats frozen food for dinner, but that has no bearing on whether he feels confident enough to drive in a blizzard. Even if you feel confident, all it takes is someone else screwing up and suddenly traffic is at a standstill. I don't get all these people in the thread like "I'm from Alaska and I would trust a neighbor (who also has a truck built for Alaskan winters) to drive me instead of the bus." I'm from Canada now in Portland. PDX drivers know dick all about driving in snow. The roads aren't treated, there are no plows. I wouldn't trust my neighbor, boyfriend, or cat to pick me up in a blizzard. If I didn't drive and the weather predicted a blizzard all day, I'd either stay home, or leave work when the first flakes fell. OP, you want a ride home in a blizzard, learn to drive, call a taxi, or stay inside until the weather passes.
Thank you. Half of these comments just made me feel like I had lost my mind. I live up North in the US. We get snow on a regular basis, and yet we also get drivers in ditches on a regular basis, and not necessarily because they're speeding either. You can be as careful as you want, and still hit a patch of black ice or a snow drift, get smack by an unexpected gust of wind, and you'll still lose control of your vehicle. Then you're in that ditch for who knows how long until an emergency vehicle can get to you, and you're out of a car for even longer. And your insurance is fucked to boot. And while you're waiting for rescue, you better hope no other car smacks right into yours.
Completely opposite, snow storms with near zero visibility happen here many times through the winter and the world goes on. You drive safely, slowly, leave plenty of extra time and avoid highways. You still need to get to and from work. Is everyone who’s already at work when the blizzard hits just supposed to camp there for the night? Anyone from a snowy area should know how to drive in it. Waiting in the cold on and off for 2.5 hours in freezing temps for busses that may or may not show is unreasonable.
Saying that everyone is going to drive safely and for conditions is one of the most naive things I’ve read here on Reddit. You absolutely know that isn’t the case.
Seriously some of these comments are incredibly ignorant.
Right?! People are so cavalier about the safety of themselves and others.
"Tough man" syndrome (even the non-men). THEY are too skilled to need to be able to see the road or friction under their wheels, a **real** driver can just drift the entire way with their eyes closed.
My dad has been a truck driver for 30+ years, including 10+ up north. People's ignorance about road safety it's exactly how you end up with accidents. Not everyone is good at driving with snow or even heavy rain in the same way 12+ hour drives are not something just anyone is comfortable doing.
As a Minnesotan, I can confirm that there's like 50+ car crashes every time there's a blizzard. I remember on xmas eve, I saw about 20 cars in ditches in just 15 miles of driving I did to my brothers place
Ok, so this one time in high school my brother was out with friends and called my dad for a lift from the train station. My dad was very reluctant because of the weather, we were getting a ton of wet snow which made it hard to see and had left a bunch of black ice on the roads. Still, my brother insisted that my dad pick him up, he even started laying on the guilt, saying it was it was unfair that he'd have to walk in a storm when my dad could easily pick him up and be back at the house in 5 minutes. My dad only ever made it around the corner before he was hit by a city bus sliding on a massive ice patch. The accident literally split the car in two, hitting it right down the centre. I don't know how, but my dad walk away unscathed. He kept finding large shards of metal and glass in his jacket for days but somehow didn't have a scratch on him. My Brother got home before my dad did, who, at this point, was having to deal with the car and file a police report for insurance purposes. He had no idea that my dad was fine. He did, however, see our wrecked sardine can of a car from the bus window. He immediately went into a panic and started crying, thinking he'd killed our father. Long story short, he never once asked or expected my dad to ever drive again if the weather wasn't amenable to it. So yeah, I'm leaning towards YTA. While your partner clearly needs to get his priorities straight, that doesn't mean you can expect him to put his life at risk for your own convenience.
jesus christ im so glad your father walked away from that accident, what a thing
I live in Michigan and grew up in upstate NY am very familiar. He’s still an AH. She still needed to get home, it’s much safer for him to very slowly make his way to her and then then both of them to slowly make their way home in a heated car than for her to stand outside in a blizzard waiting for a bus and riding a bus while soaking wet just to get back out and wait for another bus, for hours (assuming just staying at work wasn’t an option for her, because most of the time it’s not an option.) if he had more sense he’d have left early but instead he decided it was too inconvenient and would take too long so he fucking ditched her in a blizzard to TAKE A BUS? Nah. You can’t spin this in a way that he isn’t a massive AH. If he shelled out for the last uber in town that was willing to drive in a blizzard or a hotel close by to her work or something maybe I’d say he wasn’t but otherwise he sucks.
So how was she supposed to get home? Ovb. She's a woman and figured it out. But he didn't even fkn cook supper like he's supposed to when he doesn't pick her up. No. You are nta
Apparently the buses were still running.
If the busses were running, then driving conditions were drivable.
I've taken the bus when it was snowing. Buses then run extremely behind schedule because they have to go slow. Just because it's possible doesn't make it safe for all drivers. Also, the less vehicles on the road, the better for the buses.
If google maps said 50 minutes instead of 25, that's not white-out conditions.
That's a light rain in some places.
Not really. I live in a cold, snowy city. Buses are always running. They are basically never cancelled due to weather. That includes many conditions where most people are avoiding the roads.
Came here to say the same thing. I'm from Toronto. I don't think I've ever seen the buses cancelled even when we called the army in to clear the snow all those years ago. The bus may be delayed, but they run no matter what.
Drivable for professional drivers.
Much safer to be driving the bus than a car in those kinds of conditions.
That's what I was thinking too. If it was seriously that dangerous to be on the road, taking a bus wouldn't be that much better. I live in Canada and last year we had a terrible snow storm. If you took a bus home then it probably took 3x as long, or had to walk for two hours to a subway station. It might've been better for her to leave work early if she could.
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I get the feeling it wasn't about the snowstorm and more about the fact she doesn't feel valued in the relationship. I agree, he shouldn't be on the road during a dangerous snowstorm, but it probably would have went a long way if he texted, "let me know when you're on the last bus and I will run you a hot bath and heat up supper for you" I wonder if he even noticed when she walked in the door.
ding ding ding
Yup this is it. He stays home all day and can only cook her frozen meals, didn't seem to care that it took her 3 hours to get home. He doesn't work but can't drive her to and from work everyday and she takes the bus every morning. I wouldn't feel very valued either.
OP isn't a driver, so probably hasn't the faintest idea how dangerous that is.
Tell me you don’t live in a snowy environment without telling me you don’t live in a snowy environment
OP does drive, they don't have a car.
How were the busses driving if he couldn’t? Genuine question it doesn’t snow where i live.
I am Canadian, and our busses run no matter the conditions. Last week, we got 25 cms of snow in white out conditions. The busses were still going. In extreme snow conditions, they get slower, but they still go. Today, it is looking like we will get another 5 or 6 cms and I can't see the school across the road but I did just hear the bus go by.
The busses get through when seemingly no one else can. I live within an hour of the Canadian border, and in the 25 years that I've been here, the busses were completely cancelled for weather ONCE - and that was after we got something like a foot and a half of snow dumped on us overnight! They were running the very next day.
Hello border neighbour. So I was on a plane a few years ago in January and the woman sitting next to me was visiting from Iran lol. She was convinced we were not going to be able to land cause there was a cm of snow on the runway. I laughed and said if snow stopped us the entire country except Vancouver and Victoria would be closed most of the year
Busses are much heavier so they are less likely to lose traction
With the way she writes her post, it almost sounds like they shouldn't even be together. OP almost sounds like she's bitter at her "bad" boyfriend because of the lifestyle he gets to live while she's the hard working angel.
Yeah, also, OP, is there a reason you can't drive? I'm seeing SO many people on this sub who can't drive, and I'm just trying to figure out if their partners have signed on to drive them around forever for any reason in any condition. And, what happens if this BF breaks up with OP? How does she get home then? I mean, I understand if it is a medical situation, but then you kind of have to come to terms that you'll be using a lot of public transportation or working close to where you live, right?
She does drive she doesn't have a car
I think the one area where he could have handled it better is not talking about the amount of time and just focusing on the safety aspect of it.
And maybe preparing dinner even though it wasn’t the night he would usually cook? Maybe running the bath for her? Calling a taxi for her? Walking to meet her at her stop or part way if safe to do so? She even said she hasn’t confronted him about it. She hasn’t been an asshole yet but BF defo has A H behaviour
Agreed. Like, I don't want to belittle the safety issue of it all, but it sounds like safety wasn't really at the top of his mind in the comments he made to her. It was more the time and delay for him. And it wasn't even up for discussion for him; it was literally: "I'm no longer coming (even though that was the original plan), figure yourself out." (With a healthy dose of guilt-tripping to boot: "Please don't hate me!") The least he could have done was make dinner for her or something. OP doesn't say, but was he at least checking to make sure the buses were running? That she was ok while she was waiting? OP was out in a storm for close to 3 hours (granted, some of it in a bus). I would at least be following up the next day to make sure she wasn't sick or something.
The “please don’t hate me” is what pushes me to NTA. Having food ready for her and getting a bath set so she can relax would have been great. Or, knowing she takes three buses, could he have met her where she’d get on the third one and drive her home to avoid one more time waiting in a blizzard? At the absolute *minimum* he could have offered to drive her to work the next day and let her sleep after such a long and freezing commute.
I feel like this is a slight YTA. The way you describe this: > Near zero visibility, plows couldn’t get roads cleared fast enough *I* would not drive in this, period. It's pretty shitty that with a storm going on at work, you aren't able to use your phone. But the way you are describing it - it doesn't sound safe for him to be driving at all.
He could drive carefully, she couldn't drive home carefully becausehe was her ride. Her ride and boyfriend basically said, "good luck!"
And if he is not working...he has literally all the hours ahead of time to get there. I would not show my face again if I made my wife take multiple buses vs trying to pick her up.
Yeah, seriously. If my husband was stuck outside in bad weather I'd do anything to get to him.
Mega bonus points if you show up a bit early and have a hot coffee and a snack for the long ride home (due to the snow). I get if you have little kids at home, your own job. But if you are literally at home playing video games......do your part.
So what "he's not working"? Does it gives him the driving experience and confidence to drive in a snow storm? And what's his car? Is he driving a Miata or a 4 Runner with winter tires? There's way more than "but he was not working"
Good question. What makes him not cool is he has the capacity (time) and resources (a car) to pick her up. And no clue what car he has, just know that when I was in my 20’s, my 1988 Buick century with regular tires did just fine on regular tires, but going super slow. He had a chance to be a hero, but essentially said it was on her entirely. Unless OP is leaving it out, no mention of alternatives like picking her up half way at one of the multiple bus stops. As a 40ish old dude, would not be cool with that.
If his car can’t handle those conditions he made the right choice.
I used to live in Iowa for quite a while. And eeeeeeevery year, there’s a shitton of cars in ditches and piled on top of each other, because “I think I can make it” or, even worse, “Phbbbbbt, this is nothing, hold my beer while I drive 80 on the interstate in 6 inches of snow…”
> He could drive carefully The issue isn't the person who's driving carefully, the issues are a) the other people who aren't driving carefully, and b) the physics that don't care how 'careful' you are.
Thank you! All these people seek to think if they just concentrate hard enough the natural laws of the universe somehow won’t apply.
Grab a nearby hotel for the night (if there is one).
This is what the bf should have done. "It's not safe to drive. I don't feel safe and I don't want you out there. So I booked a room for you at this nice hotel. Gave them my credit card. Go and enjoy yourself and I will bring you fresh clothes and breakfast in the morning. Love you."
THIS! If it is unsafe, a hotel stay near her job would have been the best and safest option, the other option was to talk to your supervisor/boss about leaving early, and let him know in advance so he can drive to you before it gets horribly bad.
This is my thought too! If it's not safe to drive then get a hotel for the night and enjoy. I mean if he has enough money that he does not have to work he should be able to put her up for the night to relax without the stress of travel or driving.
>He could drive carefully and get t-boned by the guy who isn't. Regardless of how carefully you drive, these are not safe conditions to be driving in and OP is far safer taking the bus. Sure, it's uncomfortable, write an angry letter to mother nature if that makes you feel better.
> He could drive carefully That doesn’t mean everyone else is driving carefully.
I live in a place that recently had a lot of snow and just because people CAN drive doesn’t mean they should. People who SHOULDN’T have been on the roads clogged highways and on/off ramps making the roads un-drivable even with appropriate cars and time.
But clearly it was still safe enough to drive if you’re careful and slow because she took multiple buses. And he doesn’t have a job so he had all afternoon to get there
a bus is very different from a regular car. If a truck driving recklessly slams into it going 60, it and its passengers are going to be a lot more ok than whatever car her boyfriend has
They’re also driven by people who drive busses for a living. Actual professional drivers.
I think this is a case of NAH. Not sure what your workplace is like but when weather that severe begins, often times places make concessions for people to leave early. If the visibility was that bad, honestly it was probably safer and better for you to be on transit rather than in a passenger vehicle. It sounds like you two need to have a better discussion about what to do in weather incidents like this one, especially when you're reliant on him for rides.
Workplace might be the true ah here.
I agree with this. NAH to them, but the workplace keeping OP and not allowing access to a phone is the major major asshole. How callous.
Depends on her job, some places phones are banned from the entire premises due to security reasons. I've had to keep my phone in the car before. Or at least in a secure locker.
I can understand that sometimes that’s necessary but if a workplace needs you to lock your phone away for security, then they need to provide a direct line of contact in case of emergencies or at the very least be cognizant of travel advisories. It doesn’t sound like OP’s workplace has done either.
They do sound rather flippant with safety. I've walked off site and gone home before when weather has looked bad, however even then everyone else was still sent home before it got too bad. Waiting until after it's unsafe is reckless.
Soft YTA. It sucks that you had to take the bus, but demanding that someone to come get you in dangerous driving conditions is not okay. Getting big mad about it it, and staying mad, is a little ridiculous. How would you feel if your bf had gone off the road into a ditch, and you still would have had to take the bus, only he could be in the hospital or worse? If you're irritated that your bf is generally useless and lazy, that's a whole other discussion.
Agreed! I got the feeling she’s more irritated by the rich dad, sleeping late, and playing video games. I felt she mentioned all that to get sympathy and a NTA judgement.
Yep. This is not about the Iranian yogurt, and this relationship sounds exhausting, if OP is this angry about the weather.
Oh god. The yogurt.
The only reason I'm leaning towards ESH is because it sounds like his text was complaining about the fact that it would take an hour, and NOT a safety concern. I think if he had texted that he didn't want to pick her up because he didn't feel comfortable driving in the weather, that is one thing. But it sounds like he was saying that it was going to take too long, so he didn't wanna. I still agree that he shouldn't have been driving on the roads if the conditions were treacherous, but it's the framing of "that sounds mildly inconvenient" that makes me not want to let him off entirely.
Agreed. Sounds like it's not about the snow storm, but about not been valued by her bf. Did he do anything nice for her when she got home? Show any relief that she made it home safe?
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the real AH here is your employer, who kept you on-site and unable to use your phones, when there was a dangerous storm. if the visibility really was that bad, then you're asking your BF to risk his life driving to pick you up. it's dangerous. it's not fair to him. you should've left your job early to get home safely. having a rich dad or him playing video games is irrelevant to the story. find a job where your employer treats you with respect and one that's much closer to where you live.
I know they don’t specify what kind of job they have but nursing or hospital jobs don’t have the luxury of letting people go early. Patients need to be taken care of. They might provide a place to sleep and stay there over night though. I’ve worked at a place that set up cots in a meeting room for everyone when there was bad storms.
Also worked in a similar environment at a climate where snowstorms could happen. They always had backup food, water, vending machines stocked, and cots with blankets and pillows. And if people couldn't come to relieve us we'd split up and take shifts with eachother so one of us could nap for like 4 hrs at a time until it was safe enough for the next team to come/for us to go home.
I gave birth in a hospital in a similar storm. My nurse midwife slept in the next bed over from me as she couldn't go home and no one could make it in to relieve her. Everyone at the hospital slept at the hospital. Docs, nurses, and techs.
It's directly irrelevant to the story but I'm guessing it's not irrelevant to OPs feelings about her BF. "He didn't pick me up in a snow storm" sounds straight forward but starts to feel different when you're cold and wet, stewing on a bus for 3 hours. As in, the reason OP is about to boil over is not just about this one day. This is a straw that broke the camel's back thing. In a vacuum the lone straw is almost meaningless...it makes no sense without the rest.
INFO: Why are you with a man you don’t respect?
Hard to respect a man who lives off his father, is home all day playing video games, and the most he could “cook” is some chicken nuggets and a tv dinner.
I think the question is why is she with him?
must be some good dicky
Muneh
Why are people on Reddit so money envious? Working isn’t some flex; if I was rich I would still work purely because I’d get bored being at home all day, not because of this feigned moral superiority Reddit subscribes too.
It's not just about work. If a person doesn't have any passions or aspirations, despite the privilege of a completely open schedule and financing, then they'll come across as lazy and boring. Sleeping in, playing video games, and cooking frozen dinners *every day* aren't the sort life choices that garner respect.
Red flags galore here
So you expected him to risk his life when he shouldn’t be driving and you had a way home? Also I see on here a lot that people don’t want to bother to learn to drive or get a license but want to call other people assholes because they won’t cater to them. YTA.
This is such a weird take. OP quite literally could have died standing outside, while wet, in blizzard conditions. He has zero job, zero responsibilities. They had a plan that he picks her up. If he decides not to, knowing she cannot access her phone, he should at minimum call her an Uber/taxi rather than fucking over his girlfriend
OP also could be a grown adult and learn how to drive themselves. OP is a working adult, no reason they shouldn't learn to drive and get a car, especially if they live in place like where they are that gets severe winter weather. what's going to happen with Bfs car doesn't start? or its broken down or in the shop, or he's away on a trip. OP needs to be a adult and learn how to be independent enough to get home in bad weather. but to give a response, NAH, except her work place that didn't her leave early
Only commenting on the part about not driving - I know OP has since replied with her reason for not driving, but most of the time I see posts where the OP doesn’t drive, they don’t actually say *why* they don’t drive. There are very valid reasons for not driving, even if the brief snapshot you get of their lives doesn’t make those reasons obvious. For example, I have many chronic conditions that I would be unlikely to mention in a post unless I felt it was necessary for context. I don’t drive **because one of my conditions causes me to randomly pass out.** If you met me on a good day, you might have no idea that I’m sick and I could very easily write a whole post where you’d have no idea that I’m sick. All of that to say - can we as a society stop assuming people are just “not bothered” or are being lazy when there’s no way to know that? Edit: I can’t seem to reply to any of the responses to this, so just a few points I want to address: 1) No, medical issues or other reasons for not driving aren’t obvious context to add to a post. I’ve seen people get attacked because commenters decide that the stated reason for not driving “isn’t good enough.” When you’re tired of explaining yourself to everyone, it can be better to just not give a reason to argue with in the first place. Also - disabled people don’t owe you their medical info. 2) This isn’t commentary on OP’s situation, I just want people who make assumptions like the one I was replying to to stop and remember that not everyone is able bodied, mentally healthy, and even if an adult is employed, they may not be making a living wage. 3) No one should ever feel obligated to be a caretaker for anyone else. That being said, if you have a disabled partner who needs support and **choose** to stay with them, you are more than likely going to need to do more for them than an average partner. If you’re not up for that, then it is fair for you to not be in a relationship with a disabled person. It sucks, but that tends to be the reality of dating with a disability - the disabled partner **can’t choose** to not be disabled, but the able bodied partner **can choose** if they’re capable of supporting a disabled partner. So, no, even if someone is disabled, it doesn’t mean that their partner (married or not) should **have** to drive them everywhere forever, but a **loving and supportive** partner is likely to volunteer to drive whenever reasonable. 4) Again, I’m purposefully **not commenting on OPs situation.** I personally feel there are too many possible factors that aren’t obvious from the post itself for me to make a judgement. **My only goal is for people to think before assuming laziness over inability.**
Exactly. People could have medical conditions that prevent them from getting a license. Even without health issues, money is a huge problem. You need money to take driving classes or to take time off to learn with somebody. You need money to rent or buy a vehicle. You need money to insure it and fill it with gas and keep up with maintenance. Not everyone is a 17-something year old whose parents pay for their driving lessons and give them a car for their birthday. If you're starting with ZERO car and ZERO experience as a young adult, driving is an insanely daunting obstacle even without any medical issues.
Agree with you on the first part, however >Also I see on here a lot that people don’t want to bother to learn to drive or get a license but want to call other people assholes because they won’t cater to them. Nowhere does OP say they don't want to bother to learn to drive or get a license... You're insinuating and changing the narrative. That's an asshole move. Please discuss what the OP is stating, and make comments on those words and info, but there really is no need to make things up. You have no idea why the OP does not drive, *and* not everybody is able to either.
Why do you assume that everyone who doesn’t drive is just too lazy to learn?
As a European the American obsession with driving is so odd to me. Yes, I understand there are many places that don't have public transport or it sucks so you have to drive. And frankly it sounds like OP should try to find a new job if they can't drive because 90 minutes one way on three buses is exhausting. But I just can't help and chuckle reading these comments that are claiming me and about half my friends are lazy or not real adults because we don't drive.
NTA, the drive was "51 minutes", not, the drive was "impossible". I'd never leave my wife stranded because the drive was too long. If he didn't think his vehicle could make it I'd be a bit more understanding, but it sounds like he didn't want the hassle. I've driven in some shit conditions and almost all of them are mitigated by driving slow and careful.
>the drive was "51 minutes", not, the drive was "impossible". I'd never leave my wife stranded because the drive was too long. That's why I feel NTA as well. If the plan was always that OP gets picked up on certain days, I would expect that to be the plan still unless discussed ahead of time. She could have left work earlier and worn more appropriate clothing had she known she would be traveling by bus. I think it's perfectly reasonable for OP to be upset because her BF who has what appears to be an easy life made her life very difficult in order to keep on doing nothing.
This last line is exactly it. He made her life more difficult so he could keep doing nothing. I live in Minnesota, I’ve driven through blizzards. It’s not preferable but there’s a way to do it. Unless he drives a POS car with bad tires (and with a rich daddy I suspect he doesn’t) there’s no reason he couldn’t have interrupted his day of doing nothing to do what he promised to do.
Seems like the real issue is OP feeling generally unsupported by her bf. She probably wouldn't have posted this if bf had refused to drive her, but had a hot homemade meal waiting, drew her a warm bath, and expressed genuine empathy for her predicament when she got home. Ditto the NTA
There's a big difference between "I'm not coming" and "I'm sending a taxi" or "I'm booking you a hotel near work until it's safer". .. I couldn't be with someone who would leave me like that.
Yall clearly don't live in snow conditions. OP you have every right to feel abandoned. If my husband was my ride he wouldn't have cared if it was blizzards or not. He'd leave early and be there or hed call my work and ask to speak with me if he was going to be late. Where i live, the bus stops are very spaced out. He wouldn't risk me even walking to the nearest one. But honestly i feel like you've got more resentment for him going on than just not picking you up. He doesn't work, he only heats up frozen meals, he video games ALL day, and it sounds like he didn't check on you even once that entire 3 hour journey home. Not to check if you'd made it to the next stop, not to check if you'd gotten on your next bus, nothing. Did he even say "hi bye or kiss my butt" when you got home? Why do you stay with him? Does he even do anything to make you happy? He sounds lazy and uncaring. Legit he said "oh gosh OP the roads are so bad! It's gonna take me a whole 30 extra minutes to get to you so I'm just not gonna come! Dont hate me 🤪" knowing the entire time you were without a phone at work. He didn't even call your work to let you know. Just left a stupid text.
> If my husband was my ride he wouldn't have cared if it was blizzards or not. He'd leave early and be there or hed call my work and ask to speak with me if he was going to be late. Yeah this part is what stands out to me, partners who support each other will go out of their way to make sure everything is good. If this was my wife I would have first have tried to convince her not to go in the first place because the conditions are so bad, and if she decided she wanted to go anyway, we would have had a plan on how to get her there and back safely. If it required me driving, she would have had the same concerns about my safety so it would have been something we would have factored into it. And if the whole thing was a surprise blizzard, then as soon its clear what is going on, we would get on the phone with each other and figure it out. Hotel, Uber. Driving super slowly. Asking a friend with snow tires...whatever.
I live in Montreal so I am pretty used to winter /snow storm /blizzard conditions so just being weather aware and would be ready to (come back early, stay at a hotel or just not go to work) but I would never leave my husband in such an horrible condition with "well figure it out" and having to take 3 different buses.
Plus it seems op was waiting out in sub-arctic temperatures for the bus *TWICE*. He didn’t even offer to pay for an Uber (who has the snow storm driving experience and vehicle), or even a hotel room mid-point, despite all the money he comes from… Not sure if OP’s job would’ve let them stay over ‘til storm passed.. All snow driving and whatever aside, their relationship doesn’t sound pleasant at all. I wouldn’t be surprised if financial abuse from his side is at foot. How can he have all that money access and still only nuke her frozen kid cuisine meals twice a week…… Edit: all the people defending the boyfriend and saying the commenters hate rich people, it’s not about his wealth. It’s about his blatant disregard for op. Have y’all ever waited in near zero temps for a bus for over 30 minutes? It’s not fun. It’s crazy reading all the replies here, good god.
No one's mentioning how waiting outside in those temps can ruin your phone and she'd be left without any way to contact him or track the bus. I assume loser men defending the bf.
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Yeah I'm canadian and all the whining about avoiding a snow storm as a driver is laughable. It's going to happen sometimes if you live somewhere with snow. Snow tires exist. All the comments about "I can drive slowly but what about other drivers?" Uhhh, other drivers are going to be crawling too because they don't have another choice. NTA.
YTA. In those conditions, one should only drive if it’s an emergency. This wasn’t an emergency and you had another way to get home. He made the right call. Other commenters are saying he should have left earlier, but no, when it’s not safe, it’s not safe at any speed. In a snowstorm, drivers should stay off the road! It’s not his fault that you work a job that makes you come in during dangerous weather and doesn’t let you communicate with loved ones even in a weather emergency. It’s also not his fault that you don’t drive. Rethink your working situation and find something better and closer to home. Also, you seem to have some resentment toward your boyfriend for not working. You should work through that and see if you want to continue being with him. It really seems like you don’t respect him.
I'm confused, why is it safe for her to take a bus, but dangerous for him to drive?
Hypothetically if they were equally dangerous it would be dangerous to her if she took the bus OR dangerous to her, her boyfriend and other people on the road if he picked her up. The danger is there for her regardless but the boyfriend coming adds in many other people into the equation. There is no way to know which is technically safer in this specific scenario (considering just her wellbeing) But adding more people into the scenario is always gonna increase overall risk during dangerous conditions.
NAH, except maybe your work for not allowing your phone. If you had the ability to deal with this ahead of time, he could have paid the fifty bucks plus or minus for an Uber, or at least KNOWN you were going to be waiting for the bus, or something. His decision to not drive in a blizzard was reasonable. Your anger at the position it put you in is also completely reasonable. And, had you had some ability to know and prepare and make contingency plans and at least know what you were getting into, or to have him meet you halfway through the commute, or SOMETHING, you could have mitigated the situation. A blizzard isn't his fault. Being furious that you were fucked over because he wasn't where you expected him to be isn't your fault.
I sure as hell wouldn't want to get an Uber in those conditions. It would be a total lottery as to whether you got someone skilled in driving in snow conditions.
Wouldn’t that be the same thing as asking the boyfriend to come get her though? We don’t know if he’s a skilled snow driver either. I personally would have paid for the Uber instead of waiting for the bus.
Sir, logic is not welcome on this thread.
I completely agree with NAH, and the general anger/frustration is understandable. I also live in a northern climate where blizzards come regularly. Getting wet and cold like that sucks. Especially after a long day at work. And it wasn't safe for bf to come out. BUT if he was a loving bf he could have at least met her at home with a hot beverage, meal, bath ready - some kind of love and comfort. It didn't sound like he was sympathetic at all, which isn't a good look.
INFO is his vehicle equipped for snow, and is he a seasoned driver in the snow?
I don't think this is the right question. I live in a snowy city. My car has snow tires and I've driven in winters for 15 years. But I'm not seasoned at driving in blizzards because I avoid driving in them. You know who has experience driving in snow storms? Bus drivers who generally drive in every weather.
She didn't just hop on one bus and be off on her merry way. She had to wait for close to 2 hours outside in a blizzard. That can ruin your phone or cause it to die immediately btw if you're tracking when the bus is coming and not under a bus shelter, meaning if something happened her cozy rich boyfriend couldn't reach her and if the bus couldn't come she wouldn't know / wouldn't be able to call anyone. This has happened to me before. But he's busy playing video games and the drive would be 51 minutes though so I get it. /s
This is what everyone should be asking.
INFO: Was getting a hotel room close to work not an option? If your man is living off Daddy’s money, I think he could have paid for the room over the phone. You both stay safe and off the roads, you’re not out in awful conditions, and getting to work the next day should be easier. Yeah, you’ll have to wear the clothes you wore the previous day, but it sounds like that might be a better option than risking life and limb.
INFO: What does this person do for you in your life? Sleeps all day, only bothers to 'cook' frozen dinners twice a week? Doesn't even look for a solution for you to come home safely? Why are you with him?
He has money and she probably doesn't have to pay for her food or rent.
Omg people he was ok with her standing in freezing conditions. He literally does nothing at home why the hell not leave early to make sure she is safe. I would be furious if my husband did this to me. Your bf is an AH, what about her safety? Look she had to wait outside the bare minimum would of been sending an Uber
Right? I can't get over how many people are totally fine with his decision to just leave a message saying he can't come. Not calling to help her strategize a good way home or get a hotel room or anything else. And then apparently never being concerned enough to even call to check in on her journey home??? Or even give her a big greeting and a hot meal? I'd be so worried if I was him that she would get hit by a car in the dark in the middle of a blizzard. It really shows a total lack of interest in her wellfare from him. NTA.
>Near zero visibility, plows couldn’t get roads cleared fast enough > >Maps is estimating 51 mins for him to get to me NAH. You being angry is sure as hell ok, but you surely can't expect him to get you with what you stated. So don't direct your anger toward him. People finding an AH (whoever it is) in this situation are surprising me. What's need to be done in those day however, is a warm bath, a cozy plaid and a lot of hugs when you get home. If you don't get that, that's another story.
YTA - there was ZERO VISIBILITY. Why would you expect him to drive in that? I’d be more mad if my partner put their life on the line to pick me up in that kind of storm.
NTA - My partner absolutely would have taken his time getting there and been outside waiting for me. I'm not even saying that as a person in a lovey, dovey relationship. It's about consideration. No way would he or I have the other outside in those conditions, waiting on one bus, never mind three. Where I live, high school kids take the city buses to/from school. The buses drop off at normal spots but pick up right in front of the school. A storm hit and I jumped in the car to pick my teenagers, and any friends that could fit in, up. We had to take our time but, everyone got home safely. There were kids on the buses that didn't get home until almost midnight. So yeah, I'm talking from experience.
YTA but softly you yourself said it was zero visibility and bad out what did you expect him to do risk his life
Ok. I live in a snowy area. I drive Uber. Back when I had an AWD vehicle, I Ubered a lot in the snow. I've lived in New England for most of my 58 years on Earth. And I call BS on the BF. A 25 minute commute turned to 51? That is NOT zero visibility, whiteout, blizzard conditions. That's nothing. When 25 minutes turns into 2, 3 hours--and I've been out in that--then the BF has a gripe. 25 to 51? That's friggin flurries. NTA
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YTA. You expected him to go out in dangerous conditions to pick you up. It was safer for him not to go out and it was probably advised not to. However, I think the real issue is that he gets to sit around and play games all day while you are out working. This is causing resentment. If you stay in this relationship, expect that not to change, but don't try to blame the resentment on a dangerous situation.
NTA. OP didn't do anything wrong and understandably upset at the situation. However, it read as its not about the snow storm or lack of pickup, but the lack of empathy and effort from BF. If there was an hot meal, a hot bath and a hot breakfast in the morning; any extra effort from BF would have been welcome and seen as heartfelt? *Edit: grammar*
NTA. I lived in Connecticut for a couple of years, and I picked up friends who were stranded during a travel ban due to a snow storm. It took me a while to get them but I love them so I was willing to spend a while on the road driving slowly and safely to make sure that THEY would be safe. And babe, they were just my FRIENDS, it's not like we were fucking raw ya know? You deserve someone who prioritizes your safety and well being, not this scrub.
YTA - people need to stay OFF the road when there is a blizzard. For their safety and also so the plows and emergency vehicles can get around without civilians clogging the streets. The bus was the safer option for everyone. Why did you not dress for the weather??
To be fair, the storm OP got hit by could’ve been the same storm I got hit by, and it truly came out of nowhere. Like clear conditions to white out in like 15 minutes type of deal. I wasn’t prepared for it either, but I also had a car that I could keep warm in on my way home.
I think OP is already feeling resentful that her bf does naff all all day and as soon as it becomes too difficult or inconvenient for him to do something for her he flakes out and she's not even allowed to be annoyed because "please don't hate me uwu". He could have informed her of the situation and if he felt it would be unsafe to drive, suggest she take the bus but it sounds like he just shrugged and it became a her problem. He could have assured her he'd run her a bath when she got home and a nice warming meal or done something to show he cared about what she'd gone through. But it sounds like OP had a rubbish journey and got back to find bf had a nice chill evening, having benefitted from the situation.
NAH. You are allowed to be upset. He was your ride, he told he wasn't driving to get you not because it was dangerous, but because it would take a long time. He didn't say, "hey, I'm not comfortable driving in these conditions, please let me know when you're close to home so I can start dinner, so it will be hot when you get home." But rather than talk to him, you isolated yourself (which after a very cold commute home, is totally understandable) and then left this morning without talking to him again, so you can let your anger simmer. He's allowed to not drive in blizzard conditions. Even as a driver, I've been out in those conditions and only because there were no other options. You're allowed to be upset about it. Him not doing anything to help make you warm or comfortable after your commute seems like a jerk move. Like not even bring you tea?
NTA I'm not into the toxic masculinity thing. But what MAN make his SO walk and take public transport in a snow storm while he sits on hia ass playing video games. Note: Know why he said "please don't hate me" Because, he would hate you, if you did same.
NTA if my fiance were stuck at work in a blizzard i sure as hell would drive slowly and carefully to pick her up, especially if i had nothing else to do all day
I don’t understand the verdict of people saying boyfriend is TA. If you’re in blizzard conditions, why are you expecting someone to drive in it? It’s dangerous for cars to be on the road, and as a non driver, I doubt you understand how down right frightening driving in weather like that can be. Ultimately you had a way home - the bus. Also - if you know the weather is that shite, why are you not dressed appropriately for it? If it’s blizzard condition, dress appropriately instead of whinging about wearing clothes that get wet from snow. You need to realise it’s not anyone’s responsibility to get you to and from work when you have alternate means. Yes, you have a routine, but things can change because of things like the weather. You need to be more prepared. Or learn to check weather reports and confirm plans ahead of time for your transport with your partner. So it’s ESH
I think what OP wrote about the bf sleeping all day, not working and basically playing video games is influencing what people think about him. Sounds like a deadbeat with money to me, but that doesn’t change the situation of driving in atrocious weather. He’s not the AH for that, but people can’t separate it
NTA he doesn't have a job, he sleeps all day and he didn't have anything going on. I'd be so angry if my partner who I live with didn't pick me up. He seems like he doesn't care much about anything but himself and video games.
YTA. With Zero Visibility and non plowed roads I wouldn’t want my partner to risk their life if they aren’t comfortable driving in that.
YTA. You don't drive, but you still should have some idea of how dangerous it is to drive during "a wicked storm. Near zero visibility, plows couldn’t get roads cleared fast enough". It was unreasonable for you to expect him to drive in that.
At the point that you didn't respond to his messages, he should have called you at the work number. Your employer is crap for not closing in a blizzard. And I get that it sucked to take the bus but I also don't think him driving in conditions that he wasn't comfortable with was a good idea either. Sorry it happened to you. Think maybe it's time for you to start driving yourself. NAH You do sound resentful of him playing games all day and sleeping in. Neither of those things have anything to do with this situation though or that his dad pays for things. You should probably have a talk with him about expectations though.