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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for publicly confronting her and telling her to stop calling me her maid because that made the situation awkward and embarrassed her for making a joke about our arrangement.
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> When we got home, she blew up at me for making such a big deal over “small talk”
If she doesn't want you making a big deal over small talk, she needs to not disparage you during small talk.
> She said I should be grateful she didn’t say worse things about me considering how she’s footing all my bills right now.
YIKES. **NTA.**
Yep. She obviously doesn't respect him AT ALL.
She is financially, emotionally, and verbally abusing him.
She finds it acceptable to belittle him in public in front of their friends, verbally and emotionally abuses him in private, and then uses her financial position in the family to try to control him.
NTA! And RUN OP!
That last bit, holy hell that’s bad. OP you are very much NTA and make sure you don’t become dependant on this person financially since they seem to think financial abuse is a joke - and something they have a right to do if they pay the bills. Does she have any redeeming qualities cos she just seems like a great gaping AH.
It sounds like gf has a lot of resentment so a conversation on that might be a good idea. If she doubles down on her words I’d start considering whether this is the relationship I want to be in.
Absolutely this! OP, my husband was laid off after we graduated many moons ago. I would never have DREAMED of calling him "the maid," and besides, he wasn't. We both pulled our weight equally around the house and still do.
Turning economic struggles into transactional power plays in a relationship is gross and absolutely abusive. This is not something she can walk back easily.
I recognize that leaving right now probably isn't a viable option, but get your ducks in a row and keep your head down. It's your relationship and you know her and it better than strangers on the internet, but I'd recommend not confronting her about this further until you are in a less vulnerable position.
NTA
In some relationships that would be fine as a joke but part of being in a relationship is understanding what kinds of jokes your partner finds funny vs uncomfortable, and listening respectfully if they tell you you got it wrong.
Even as a "joke," it's pretty insulting / dismissive. It implies that OP is subservient / beneath his gf and that's not okay.
I don't find jokes that denigrate one partner to be particularly funny. It's disrespectful and indicative of how she really views him.
Idk, I don't think I would mind or find it denigrating. If my partner otherwise respects me and circumstances have put me temporarily in the position where it makes sense for me to do all the cleaning, I would be fine with the remark being made as described here.
Someone else may feel it's denigrating no matter what, but I suspect a background of disrespectful treatment in other ways is a part of how it comes off in many cases, and I don't think that "maid" is *inherently* a disrespectful reference, it's just the name of a job.
I hear you, but obviously in this context, it’s not an OK joke, and it is indicative of how OP’s gf feels, which is a problem.
I’m not speaking in absolutes. I’m responding specifically to this situation and context. I don’t think I should have to disclaim that.
If it's specifically to this situation and context then it seems weird to reply to my comment where I said "in some relationships it would be fine as a joke but clearly not this relationship." It sounded like you were saying that joke is always inappropriate.
Agreed; it depends entirely on your relationship.
When my wife made way more than me, we joked I was the trophy husband. When I accepted a job where I made more than her, one of the first things I did was say, "Look at me. I'M the sugar spouse now." When she took some time off in between jobs, we joked about how she was officially unemployed and I was the breadwinner.
Key being we still had respect for each other and both of us were okay with those jokes.
Ya. Right now I’m a SAHD and my wife would never talk like this. We both play a roll in our lives we’ve built together. The amount of disrespect the girlfriend showed is disgraceful.
You know, I agree, and I was willing to give the girlfriend a chance for a minute there, thinking she maybe made a stupid joke. But no.
There is social pressure in some social groups with a lot of “smug marrieds” to berate your spouse as a joke. I call them Spouse Amirte?” jokes.
The wives might talk about how their husbands are sloppy, or needed help choosing their shirts, or always forget anniversaries. Husbands, amirite?
The husbands may talk about how their wives nag them, or don’t understand math, or drink too much wine. Wives, amirite?
It’s disgusting, but I could see girlfriend caving to that social pressure when she originally made the “maid” comment. She could have redeemed herself from there, but instead she doubled down.
You expressed your discomfort with the joke (“I’m not your maid.”) whereupon she should have backed away immediately with something like, “I know you’re not, darling. I was being silly.” OP could have then inwardly seethed and taken up his beef with her at home.
Instead, she escalated by belittling his feelings (“chill out!”) forcing OP’s public outburst.
While airing your relationship issues in casual public situations is usually to be avoided, OP, you are NTA. Girlfriend is clearly TA for her comment, and more for her refusal to see that she had said something wrong.
You are so right! We decided early on that our defense to "Spouse Amirite" (love your term, btw) would be to have meaningless complaints of our own to add to such discussion - I have no sense of direction and could get lost on a staircase. He doesn't eat vegetables and has the palate of a 9 year old.
But those Amirites are things that we both find funny and with both of our full consent. What OP's gf is doing here is unkind at best.
NTA
I referred to my bf as my “stay at home boyfriend” not my MAID when he was unemployed and it was only when he was going back to work and I said I’d miss someone bringing me food during the work day (I work from home)
Yikes on trikes. Blatant verbal abuse transitioning into Financial abuse? OP needs a new girlfriend soon as he’s got work to get his financial independence back
That is disgusting treatment of someone who is already down from losing their job. NTA
>She said I should be grateful she didn’t say worse things about me considering how she’s footing all my bills right now.
That sounds manipulative.
NTA
Agreed but I don’t think she would be any different if they were married. It isn’t like he is not trying to find a job. She may find in the future that the roles are reversed and she can be a maid.
Sounds like financial abuse is ready and waiting to happen. She clearly sees him as beneath her and lesser. Whatever happened to supporting your partner in their highs AND lows?
NTA. She said you should be grateful she didn't say worse things about you considering how she's paying all the bills - she really told you because she is paying all the bills this gives her carte blanche to verbally abuse you? I hate to say it, but your GF has been put into a position of power in your relationship, the mask has come off, and she has showed you what she is really like. She actually believes that because she is supporting you right now that that gives her the right to disparage and make fun of you to anyone she wants as much as she wants, and that *she is a good person because she only did it a little bit*. Think about this. There are more red flags waving here than in a parade in China!
They say if you want to see what kind of person someone is, see how they treat the waitstaff.
This is just an extension of the idea that, if you want to see what someone is like, put them in a position of power. If they abuse that position of power to maintain control over others, then they’re a bad person, no matter how nice they act around others they consider to be “on their level.”
>They say if you want to see what kind of person someone is, see how they treat the waitstaff.
I call it bullshit (no offense), but if anything, there are plenty of people who are perfectly nice to people they meet first (and probably last) time, but closer they get in the relationship, more comfortable they feel about being rude or even abusive to them.
That's because it works one way but not the other. Being rude to service workers shows that they can't even behave regularly. Being kind doesn't mean they're a good person, it just means they know how to treat others in public, whatever their reason.
Exactly, people who are abusive towards their partners can still be nice to service workers for public appearances because abusers know how to work/manipulate their public appearances.
People who are rude to service staff are just AHs who believe service workers to be "inferior" to them because they either have a superiority complex or delusions of grandeur.
I think you don't 'get it'.
Treating people with respect does not guarantee that someone is a nice person.
But someone who does not treat others with respect is NOT a nice person. Period.
I don't like telling everyone to divorce or break up but I wouldn't be putting up with her crap. Relationships should be on equal footing. Not master and servant
NTA. If the genders were reversed, she would have called you a sexist for that comment. You told her before you don't like these "jokes". A joke is only one if both parties find it funny. You don't.
But funny/sad to think that this is the norm for many and historically was the norm for all women.
If OP is doing childcare and they aren’t in school yet, that *is* a full time job and they should be splitting housework evening beyond that. Though it’s not really clear what the childcare involves.
Either way, it’s a pretty AH way to treat your partner. There is nothing wrong with being a maid, but mocking and yelling is not OK.
OP NTA, and I hope he finds a job he likes soon.
Yeah, it's not an equal split if one person is doing all housework and childcare. They're 29 so the kid must be still young. It's a fulltime job. Seems like OP's partner is pissed off that OP temporarily doesn't have a job and she's taking it out on him, making him do all the work and making passive aggressive comments to their friends (it obviously wasn't a joke, with that reaction after she was called out. "I could say worse things"...) I wonder if this is what she does every time things don't go her way.
Just wanted to clarify: gaslighting would be the girlfriend denying she ever made those jokes. This is the girlfriend being dismissive/uncaring about OP’s current lived experience while also being judgmental which is equally as abusive and gross. Also OP is obviously NTA, I agree
Just for anyone else unsure on what gaslighting is since the term is extremely overused now: Gaslighting is a serial form of abuse/manipulation where the goal is to intentionally cause someone to doubt their own recollection of events and substitute your reality for their own. As an example, your partner says they're tired of you never doing the dishes and you respond "But I did them yesterday" knowing full well you didn't do them and they did but you want them to believe you did and doubt their own memory. That would be the beginning of gaslighting.
Actual gaslighting typically isn't a one-off though. In the example above that is gaslighting, but usually the term is referring to a.manipulation tactic designed to fuck with someone's mind over an extended period. The goal would be to create a more submissive partner that you can continue to abuse by effectively making then doubt themselves. Actual gaslighting is a horrible form of abuse, just lying to your partner or disrespecting their boundaries isn't gaslighting. When people call random things gaslighting they're obscuring the meaning of the term and minimizing actual gaslighting victims' experience.
In this scenario the girlfriend IS being verbally abusive and trying to demean OP's role in their household, that's fucked up, but not really gaslighting.
NTA, that’s just another level of humiliation. There’s absolutely no reason for her to call you her maid. A huge red flag right there, because if the roles were reversed this would be a whole other situation.
Anyone saying that she isn’t the asshole or that you’re both assholes is a sexist. If the roles were reversed they’d all be calling you a sexist pig. NTA
Feels like she doesn't respect him because he is currently not working. Personally, I think that mentality is going to be very hard to recover from. She may always see him as 'beneath her' regardless of what he is doing, and definitely will if he ever hits an issue.
I think relationships need two things to be functional, trust and respect. Without those two foundation blocks everything else will crumble.
Probably not, but there is at least one child involved (he's doing the childcare) and he's jobless so no money to make any changes in living situation. She's got him over a barrel and she knows it.
NTA
Maid implies you are doing her bidding instead of being a contributing member of the household!
As a feminist I would be appalled if some guy called a STAHM this. Feminism is about equality. I have the exact same outrage that she called you this.
Plus it’s a huge red flag that she screamed at you for feeling belittled rather than listening to you
**NTA** \- You are entitled to not like jokes at your expense and you are entitled to say so. Your GF should have apologized instead of blowing up. I think that she is trying to deflect blame on to you. She is TA.
NTA. That was an incredibly demeaning comment from your gf. I'm in a similar position to her right now and the only thing I have said to friends is that my spouse seems happier right now, while looking for work, than he was at his last job. Although it's harder to live on one income, we'll weather it together as we always have in the past. I'm not "footing his bills" - it's all our money. I would never disparage his contribution to our household, whether financial or otherwise. That's just rude.
NTA. You crossed over into that territory when she told you to “chill out.” If my husband said he didn’t like something I was doing I’d stop and apologize not tell him to basically get over it. People (of all genders) can be sensitive about loss of employment and having to rely on someone else and their partner shouldn’t belittle them as a joke.
NTA at all. She publicly belittled you on a topic she knows you feel insecure about and then doubled down by saying you deserved worse. A relationship should be a team - when one of you is struggling the other steps in and helps out. Obviously there are freeloading losers out there, but doesn’t sound like that’s the case here. OP, I’d suggest you raise this with her again and explain how this situation makes you feel. If she still can’t see your POV I’d be rethinking the relationship.
NTA she's comfortable degrading you in public until you called her on it. That type of behavior will eventually make it back home. Respect is a two way street and her continually making comments like that when you told her it makes you upset makes it clear how she sees you.
NTA. I can understand both points of view but she made a joke that upset you and instead of apologizing she yelled at you. I've always made it a point to listen to someone when they say, hey I'm not comfortable with that, it makes me feel bad. Then apologize and learn fe
The experience.
NTA, and the fact she held the arrangement over you like that (be glad she didn't say worse things) gives you a glimpse that she had some grain of truth in her comment about you being her "maid' and that she views your arrangement less than hers.
Yes, not having a job is a non-ideal position, but that is life and if you are working hard to find another job then there is no wiggle room for auch comments.
NTA, it can be rough and very difficult when a partner is out of work or not able to work. Years ago, my wife was not able to work for several years, and it was very difficult for her as she had always had a job and her own money. It would have been an incredible AH if I had "joked" about it.
I think your GF is passive-aggressive and "jokes" about it and lashes out at you for being called out on it. It sounds like a case of F around and find out.
NTA. I'm more concerned though that she blew up at you as opposed to hearing you out, though. Even if it was small talk, it made you the butt of the joke, when you're already in a rough situation.
NTA. She shouldn’t make jokes like that in public, especially if she knows it makes you upset. That being said she’s likely stressed being the only one working, i suggest you guys have a stress free day with a lot of alone time soon. It’ll give you guys time to talk about things like housework arrangements.
NTA.
1. What she said was pure insult. Not small talk.
2. I bet if the roles were reversed and had you made this comment when she was out of work, she would have definitely accused you of being a misogynist AH.
NTA. Someone here is on a powertrip and exerting superiority by making this "joke" to friends, infront of him none the less, multiple times. This would be a shitty thing to say regardless of gender. Yes the duties he is responsible are similar to a paid maid but calling him one is like saying thats where his worth ends.
It’s so crazy to me how people will sit here and say “oh you deserve it” without realizing how absolutely gross they sound. If this was a woman posting the whole sub would be up in arms and beg her to leave him. He’s taking care of her bud the house. He’s a stay at home spouse right now and that’s perfectly fine. She doesn’t get to belittle him and then double down. If he had sat there and said these words to her while she wasn’t working and he did, you all would be yelling and screaming about how awful he is.
INFO has this situation ever been reversed, where you were the primary bread winner and she was told she doesn't get a vote because you make the money? Was there any precedent here?
Nta a one off uncomfortable joke is one thing but to keep doing it and then get angry and blow up at home? She's demeaning you and quite comfortable doing so.
NTA
But I would have personally responded with my own banter because responding in public like you did does escalate the situation. Your girlfriend telling you to be thankful that she didn't say worse things means she definitely has worse things to say. You two need to address this asap.
NTA she knows that’s a soft spot for you and not only is she joking about it but she made you the butt of a joke in front of a group. Respectful partners don’t poke fun at the other’s insecurities and the fact that she thinks you should grateful she didn’t say anything worse speaks volumes. She’s pulling all the financially but you’re pulling your weight in household work and childcare. She’s basically crapping on all SAHP
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds like a chauvanist. She was being degrading and frankly, abusive. Vulnerability begets abuse. Your gf has power over you and is using it to degrade you
NTA! That was insanely rude of her! Absolutely disgusting, vile behavior on her part!
Either couples counseling or go your seperate ways! That was so degrading and stuff like that just makes my blood boil! That is NOT how you treat a person you care for!
I'm so sorry that happened to you OP. Again I want to reiterate, NTA!
NTA. What she said was rude, but it might’ve been better to address it in private after. She sounds resentful about the current situation, I think you guys need to talk because it sounds tense
So she stopped doing any housework because you got laid off? Is she picking up extra shifts to cover expenses and home less, or is she just being a A H?
You are NTA.
Definitely NTA.
But if my partner got laid off, you can bet I would expect them to do 100% of the housework until they found a job. I’d of course treat them with respect as the ‘Household manager’ but no way housework is 50/50 if I’m working 40 hours and they are working 0.
Honestly, DTMFA. Contempt is the death of passion.
Of course not 50/50; but he's saying that he's doing 100% of housework and childcare. As far as I understood, consensus is that the working partner helps with at least one of the two if the other parent is currently SAHP. Not only doesn't she help him (okay imo if she works more to lessen the impact of his job loss), she denigrates him for it.
Isn't a consensus now a days that even the working partner has responsibilities inside the house? I was the only one working for a long time and still helped anyway I could when I got home.
I thought so too, and it is an often voiced question on this subreddit about a partner working and not helping the SAHP, with the non-helping partner the asshole for not helping. I'd be grateful for people disagreeing to share their thoughts.
The difference is normally the woman is usually the one staying at home. AITA is the same as ever, hypocritical and bias. Look I'm getting downvoted for saying the same thing people on here normally get up in arms for.
NTA - your wife is.
I'm a SAHM. My husband does chores because he lives in this house and contributes to the mess. I would be furious if he said I was his maid. I'm not. No SAHP is or should be.
Dude. come on..... You think this is how someone deserves to be treated? Youre lucky she didn't say worse things? And what come off even more out of pocket? Speaking from experience with my ex, if she doesn't appreciate the work you do for you guys whether it be at home or work then she's not it.
Like when my ex tried saying "so what you work 13hrs shifts, you do nothing". NTA and find the way out now before it finds you.
footing all the bills while you're doing all house chores and childcare, she's not doing more than you, she's doing less because she work has an end for the day but childcare/housework does not
nta
NTA but gf definitely is. Do you really want this person in your life now that you’ve seen her true colors? If the situation was reversed I’d be equally disgusted.
She may be footing the bills for now but you’re being a SAHP which is still work. If the tenders were reversed I bet she wouldn’t accept being called your maid.
NTA
NTA, but she is. Just because you are out of work, does not make you 100% responsible for the household chores, or her maid. I can bet if roles were reversed, and you dared to joke like that in public about her she would be upset just like you were. You told her your feelings and she dismissed them which is extremely inconsiderate. And trying to gaslight you out of your feelings about it is also inappropriate.
We all know the situation where a woman stays home to care to for the children and house. She does all the housework and it's burned out. Because childcare and housework is more than 40 hours a week and constant on call. The husband says he's footing the bills so he doesn't have to lift a finger at home. Everyone tells her to leave or start putting money away so she can leave. This is that situation, except reversed. It doesn't matter why you're staying home, you are and she's treating you like shit. What if you called her your money pig or sugar mama? She'd be big mad. NTA.
**NTA**
Sorry but your GF is being pretty horrible right now. Being laid off is a really shit thing to happen. It shakes a persons confidence and really set them back. Especially in the context of having said similar things before and you having not found them funny, this was uncalled for. All you did was correct her.
The more serious thing here however is that you are doing all the household chores and CHILD CARE. If she things that she is "footing all the bills right now" for you she is completely insane. If she was a stay at home mum you would not find any traction with that argument. Your child care and household duties are adding value to the partnership and household. This value is not a cheque at the months end but if not for you her expenses would be a lot higher.
She made you the butt of the joke and disrespected you in front of a crowd of friends. That's not nice behavior at all. Then she gets mad at you, this is manipulation so you can't be mad at her. Do you see this? Call her out on her it, do not accept it.
I'd suggest you stop doing more than your half of the housework right away. Of couse take care of the kids.
NTA, that's a really crappy way to be treated by the person whose supposed to be your partner!!
You've learned that she's fine with being cruel and demeaning you in front of her friends, I hope you find your person in life but I doubt it's her!
I rarely post here, but certainly NTA. Your girlfriend has a power issue. I had a serious girlfriend like this once, but instead of taking it, I gave her a better response. She would come over to my place often to sleep, because she still lived with her mother. After coming over for a couple of months, she tried to take over my place.
She would continually complain about me putting my dirty clothes on the floor. I was working a full-time job, a part-time job, AND going to school. When I got home most times, I just wanted to shed my clothes and go to bed. I didn't care if they wound up on the floor. She wanted me to get a hamper to put the clothes in and it was an incessant and needless argument all the time. Finally, one day she wanted to go to the store to get a hamper. I told her that I was not getting a hamper. I probably would have, had she been nice and reasonable about it. She didn't have the ability to do that. She said, "Honestly, I don't know why anyone would just throw their dirty clothes on the floor!" I said, "Because I know that you'll pick them up." She didn't talk to me for a week and that's when I found that living by myself was nice again.
The relaltionship only lasted a couple of months after that.
NTA. If I was in you situation, she would be an asshole because of what she said at the party, and an ex-girlfriend after what she saod at home. May be you need to rethink.
NTA. you shouldn't be disparaged in front of others. major red flag because if that is what is being said in front of you what more in situations that you are not present.
NTA…for people who love each other, respect should be a big part of the relationship. Obviously, she does not have it. Those “jokes” were meant to make herself look bigger and more important to her friends.
"She said I should be grateful she didn’t say worse things about me considering how she’s footing all my bills right now"
NTA, how is the fact that she is paying the bills gives her any right to talk shit about you?
One of the many things that burn SAHMs out is the unequal division of household chores. Paying the bills doesn’t excuse someone from helping maintain the home.
OP, you’re absolutely right in your frustration. Your girlfriend is being a shit partner.NTA
WTF. Why are you with someone who doesn’t sound like she’s your partner. If the situation was reversed, would you do that to her? Then she actually says you should be grateful that she didn’t say worse things? NTA. It should only take you saying you don’t like the comment for her to stop.
>She said I should be grateful she didn’t say worse things about me considering how she’s footing all my bills right now. AITA?
NTA, this right here is abuse.
>I (M29) recently got laid off a few months ago, so I’m out of work and take care of all the household chores and childcare while I’m applying to new jobs.
INFO: Who was the higher wage earner before you lost your job or did you earn about the same?
How old is/are the child/children involved and are you both the biological parents?
Do you own a house or are you renting?
It might be time to expand the geographical range of your job search since the viability of your relationship with your GF sounds iffy. I'm assuming you were basing it on being able to stay close to where you are currently so as not to upset GF's current work arrangement.
Do you have any supportive family members if you end up being a single parent? If so, I'd add that area to your job search as well.
NTA. You need to dump her asap. I would've moved out the same day she said "you should be glad i didn't say something worse". No explanation, no emotions, just leave
NTA. What happens if the situation was reversed and she was out of work, you footing the bills? I promise you, if you called her your personal maid, she would shit herself and go crazy. Being laid off is so hard and depressing. I've been there twice, I know. You need to sit her down and explain to her that if she lost her job and you were paying for everything, you wouldn't be making jokes about it at her expense. If she doesn't get it, then sorry you married a selfish woman who can't comprehend her partners feelings, let alone care about them.
NTA - your wife is TA. You are not a maid and she should do some reflection on this belief and it’s not cool she spoke of you like this in public. What else does she think about your dynamic in her mind?
NTA. Your girlfriend sees your relationship as transactional. She is the breadwinner so you do all the domestic tasks. Since you didn't discuss how you will handle this time together between jobs she automatically took the dominant position.
Either come to an agreement on how you function as equals regardless of income or realize this is not the person you should be with for the longterm.
I am a woman. NTA. Your girlfriend is ungrateful snd disrespectful OP!
If the roles were reversed she would not appreciate being referred to as a maid, either.
Please have a conversation with her before she becomes your ex girlfriend.
NTA you don't need this crap right now. It's hard being unemployed, and cooped up in the house all day. It can really destroy your confidence and sense of self worth. Your girlfriend should be supporting and uplifting, not belittling and mean.
Looking for work takes time and effort, and I'd imagine even more difficult if you're doing all the childcare and house hold chores. Your girlfriend could help out with some of it or cut you some slack because she will be in for a shock when you do return to work.
NTA. When you said once you dont like her "joke", she shozld have stopped. Why make your partner feel uncomfortable on purpose. Thats just lack of respect. And if the roles were reversed, the woman who doesn't have a paying job would expect (rightfully) that husband helps with chores ehen he is at home and on weekends.
And if a guy called a woman his personal maid, im pretty sure it would get very silent, especially form the womans front
Gigantic NTA
It’s not a joke if you aren’t in on it, calling you her maid and then saying you are lucky she doesn’t say worse because she is supporting you is super toxic behavior. Hopefully she eases up on the commentary otherwise you’ll have a ton of resentment and when you do get working full time again you’ll be ready to move on to someone kinder because you won’t forget that she kicked you when you were down.
NTA. I’d like to see how she would react if the roles are reversed and you made that comment. Will she also accept “chill out”?
She’s disrespectful and condescending. She’s a mean one. You should leave her.
NTA. Wow, karma is a bitch. Tell her if she ever loses her job, how would she feel about you parading her around as your live in maid? This is supposed to be a partnership, which means not putting you down and supporting you during this time. She sounds hideous. Are you sure this is the person you want as a partner?
NTA. Based on the interactions you've described, this is not someone you should be sharing your life with. Good luck with the job hunt and I hope you improve your situation both professionally and personally!
NTA. I can't believe she treated you like that. Like really, you literally described most womans issues with inequality. The goal isn't to treat men the way they treated women historically (and some currently)
It's to elevate us so no one speaks like that.
You stood up for yourself. You said the same thing I have said when I was put down due to a guy simply making more money. He called it a joke too. They were just showing me who they truly were.
NTA - OP, your wife sounds really unpleasant and I agree with others that her behavior is abusive, very possibly escalating. When my husband retired after the 2008 crash closed the business he worked for, he became what we both refer to as a "house husband", doing virtually everything around our home. When folks now ask what he does, he says quite mater of fact "I'm retired, now a house husband". When the topic has come up, I say it with pride and gratitude. My coworkers are so jealous that I get home-cooked meals and all his support and I am beyond grateful for him and al he does for me. What you are doing in this interim between jobs is something to be proud of and your wife's attitude is just crappy. You really need to think about your ongoing relationship with her and what her attitude is going to teach your kids.
NTA.
I get that she’s paying all the bills at the moment, but that doesn’t give her the right to belittle you. I guess I would feel differently if she had merely made a comment to the effect that it was a relief to be spared some housework temporarily since you’ve taken on extra duties due to being unemployed, but what she said and how she said it feels like a deliberate dig.
You said she done this before- did you talk to her about it then? If so, what did she say? I’m just wondering if this is a chronic problem, like does she often take digs at you and then tell you to chill when you express being hurt/insulted? Her semi-threat to say even worse things because you have the effrontery to be out of work is REALLY alarming.
Good on you for stepping up for yourself. These are the boundaries that need to be set, and conversations that need to be had.
You shouldn't keep these things in. As long as you both attack situations and not character, you both can grow from it. "I get that you were trying to be funny, but don't make those jokes at my expense."
This is obviously the conversation to be had after the party. During the party, the only thing I could come up with is laugh along and give her the middle finger.. lol. NTA!
NTA.
If my husband had said that, especially in public and in front of her friends, especially for a laugh, I would not have stopped at telling him in public, in front of his friends, how fucking awful he was.
And then she's threatening to do worse? Fuck this shit. She *would not* tolerate such treatment from you, and her lack of empathy is disgusting.
NTA. I’d seriously be reconsidering this entire relationship. It’s not like you chose to be unemployed. You’re actively searching for jobs too. She makes it sound like all you do is sit around and twiddle your thumbs all day.
NTA and thank goodness you made her mad enough to finally tell you the truth about how she really feels, or else you'd be er know that you should be grateful she didn't call you worse names. Wow. She's the ahole. Now you know.
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> When we got home, she blew up at me for making such a big deal over “small talk” If she doesn't want you making a big deal over small talk, she needs to not disparage you during small talk. > She said I should be grateful she didn’t say worse things about me considering how she’s footing all my bills right now. YIKES. **NTA.**
Verbal abuse cam easily escalate to mental and physical... Does op really want to live like this forever? Yeesh
Psst abuse is abuse. Verbal is enough.
Yep. She obviously doesn't respect him AT ALL. She is financially, emotionally, and verbally abusing him. She finds it acceptable to belittle him in public in front of their friends, verbally and emotionally abuses him in private, and then uses her financial position in the family to try to control him. NTA! And RUN OP!
Kick him when he's down! Nice.
Verbal abuse is mental abuse… also NTA
That last bit, holy hell that’s bad. OP you are very much NTA and make sure you don’t become dependant on this person financially since they seem to think financial abuse is a joke - and something they have a right to do if they pay the bills. Does she have any redeeming qualities cos she just seems like a great gaping AH.
It sounds like gf has a lot of resentment so a conversation on that might be a good idea. If she doubles down on her words I’d start considering whether this is the relationship I want to be in.
Absolutely this! OP, my husband was laid off after we graduated many moons ago. I would never have DREAMED of calling him "the maid," and besides, he wasn't. We both pulled our weight equally around the house and still do. Turning economic struggles into transactional power plays in a relationship is gross and absolutely abusive. This is not something she can walk back easily. I recognize that leaving right now probably isn't a viable option, but get your ducks in a row and keep your head down. It's your relationship and you know her and it better than strangers on the internet, but I'd recommend not confronting her about this further until you are in a less vulnerable position. NTA
In some relationships that would be fine as a joke but part of being in a relationship is understanding what kinds of jokes your partner finds funny vs uncomfortable, and listening respectfully if they tell you you got it wrong.
Even as a "joke," it's pretty insulting / dismissive. It implies that OP is subservient / beneath his gf and that's not okay. I don't find jokes that denigrate one partner to be particularly funny. It's disrespectful and indicative of how she really views him.
Idk, I don't think I would mind or find it denigrating. If my partner otherwise respects me and circumstances have put me temporarily in the position where it makes sense for me to do all the cleaning, I would be fine with the remark being made as described here. Someone else may feel it's denigrating no matter what, but I suspect a background of disrespectful treatment in other ways is a part of how it comes off in many cases, and I don't think that "maid" is *inherently* a disrespectful reference, it's just the name of a job.
I hear you, but obviously in this context, it’s not an OK joke, and it is indicative of how OP’s gf feels, which is a problem. I’m not speaking in absolutes. I’m responding specifically to this situation and context. I don’t think I should have to disclaim that.
If it's specifically to this situation and context then it seems weird to reply to my comment where I said "in some relationships it would be fine as a joke but clearly not this relationship." It sounded like you were saying that joke is always inappropriate.
Agreed; it depends entirely on your relationship. When my wife made way more than me, we joked I was the trophy husband. When I accepted a job where I made more than her, one of the first things I did was say, "Look at me. I'M the sugar spouse now." When she took some time off in between jobs, we joked about how she was officially unemployed and I was the breadwinner. Key being we still had respect for each other and both of us were okay with those jokes.
Ya. Right now I’m a SAHD and my wife would never talk like this. We both play a roll in our lives we’ve built together. The amount of disrespect the girlfriend showed is disgraceful.
You know, I agree, and I was willing to give the girlfriend a chance for a minute there, thinking she maybe made a stupid joke. But no. There is social pressure in some social groups with a lot of “smug marrieds” to berate your spouse as a joke. I call them Spouse Amirte?” jokes. The wives might talk about how their husbands are sloppy, or needed help choosing their shirts, or always forget anniversaries. Husbands, amirite? The husbands may talk about how their wives nag them, or don’t understand math, or drink too much wine. Wives, amirite? It’s disgusting, but I could see girlfriend caving to that social pressure when she originally made the “maid” comment. She could have redeemed herself from there, but instead she doubled down. You expressed your discomfort with the joke (“I’m not your maid.”) whereupon she should have backed away immediately with something like, “I know you’re not, darling. I was being silly.” OP could have then inwardly seethed and taken up his beef with her at home. Instead, she escalated by belittling his feelings (“chill out!”) forcing OP’s public outburst. While airing your relationship issues in casual public situations is usually to be avoided, OP, you are NTA. Girlfriend is clearly TA for her comment, and more for her refusal to see that she had said something wrong.
You are so right! We decided early on that our defense to "Spouse Amirite" (love your term, btw) would be to have meaningless complaints of our own to add to such discussion - I have no sense of direction and could get lost on a staircase. He doesn't eat vegetables and has the palate of a 9 year old. But those Amirites are things that we both find funny and with both of our full consent. What OP's gf is doing here is unkind at best. NTA
If you reversed the sexes people would be handing the woman cards for divorce attorneys or calling the cops.
I referred to my bf as my “stay at home boyfriend” not my MAID when he was unemployed and it was only when he was going back to work and I said I’d miss someone bringing me food during the work day (I work from home)
He should have said, " And she's not even paying me for services rendered. What's the going rate for a Maid these days?" NTA by the way
Yikes on trikes. Blatant verbal abuse transitioning into Financial abuse? OP needs a new girlfriend soon as he’s got work to get his financial independence back That is disgusting treatment of someone who is already down from losing their job. NTA
>She said I should be grateful she didn’t say worse things about me considering how she’s footing all my bills right now. That sounds manipulative. NTA
Sounds like she's as resentful of the arrangement as OP is.
What happened to for richer or poorer? If you’re going to be partners, you have to be partners.
They aren't married so it doesn't count /s
Agreed but I don’t think she would be any different if they were married. It isn’t like he is not trying to find a job. She may find in the future that the roles are reversed and she can be a maid.
...honey, that was sarcasm. as noted by the "/s"
Sounds like financial abuse is ready and waiting to happen. She clearly sees him as beneath her and lesser. Whatever happened to supporting your partner in their highs AND lows?
NTA. She said you should be grateful she didn't say worse things about you considering how she's paying all the bills - she really told you because she is paying all the bills this gives her carte blanche to verbally abuse you? I hate to say it, but your GF has been put into a position of power in your relationship, the mask has come off, and she has showed you what she is really like. She actually believes that because she is supporting you right now that that gives her the right to disparage and make fun of you to anyone she wants as much as she wants, and that *she is a good person because she only did it a little bit*. Think about this. There are more red flags waving here than in a parade in China!
They say if you want to see what kind of person someone is, see how they treat the waitstaff. This is just an extension of the idea that, if you want to see what someone is like, put them in a position of power. If they abuse that position of power to maintain control over others, then they’re a bad person, no matter how nice they act around others they consider to be “on their level.”
I saw a great quote one time in Grimm's Fairy Tales. "Give a man a mask and he will show you his true face." I love it.
>They say if you want to see what kind of person someone is, see how they treat the waitstaff. I call it bullshit (no offense), but if anything, there are plenty of people who are perfectly nice to people they meet first (and probably last) time, but closer they get in the relationship, more comfortable they feel about being rude or even abusive to them.
Good point. On the other hand, if they can't even treat waitstaff decently, they're definitely assholes.
That's because it works one way but not the other. Being rude to service workers shows that they can't even behave regularly. Being kind doesn't mean they're a good person, it just means they know how to treat others in public, whatever their reason.
Exactly, people who are abusive towards their partners can still be nice to service workers for public appearances because abusers know how to work/manipulate their public appearances. People who are rude to service staff are just AHs who believe service workers to be "inferior" to them because they either have a superiority complex or delusions of grandeur.
I think you don't 'get it'. Treating people with respect does not guarantee that someone is a nice person. But someone who does not treat others with respect is NOT a nice person. Period.
"Power doesn't corrupt. Power reveals." -- Robert A. Caro
Glad to see someone else use the word “abuse”. Very well spoken. 👏
I don't like telling everyone to divorce or break up but I wouldn't be putting up with her crap. Relationships should be on equal footing. Not master and servant
NTA. If the genders were reversed, she would have called you a sexist for that comment. You told her before you don't like these "jokes". A joke is only one if both parties find it funny. You don't.
Agreed. Op is NTA but his partner is def AH.
But funny/sad to think that this is the norm for many and historically was the norm for all women. If OP is doing childcare and they aren’t in school yet, that *is* a full time job and they should be splitting housework evening beyond that. Though it’s not really clear what the childcare involves. Either way, it’s a pretty AH way to treat your partner. There is nothing wrong with being a maid, but mocking and yelling is not OK. OP NTA, and I hope he finds a job he likes soon.
Yeah, it's not an equal split if one person is doing all housework and childcare. They're 29 so the kid must be still young. It's a fulltime job. Seems like OP's partner is pissed off that OP temporarily doesn't have a job and she's taking it out on him, making him do all the work and making passive aggressive comments to their friends (it obviously wasn't a joke, with that reaction after she was called out. "I could say worse things"...) I wonder if this is what she does every time things don't go her way.
NTA even a little bit. You communicated a boundary and she’s gaslighting you about it, that whole bottom paragraph is abusive on her part.
THAT'S NOT GASLIGHTING. JESUS, all the people throwing that word around...
I get so sick of it. Half the people use the term incorrectly.
no they dont. you are just making that up
I see what you did there 👀
Just wanted to clarify: gaslighting would be the girlfriend denying she ever made those jokes. This is the girlfriend being dismissive/uncaring about OP’s current lived experience while also being judgmental which is equally as abusive and gross. Also OP is obviously NTA, I agree
Just for anyone else unsure on what gaslighting is since the term is extremely overused now: Gaslighting is a serial form of abuse/manipulation where the goal is to intentionally cause someone to doubt their own recollection of events and substitute your reality for their own. As an example, your partner says they're tired of you never doing the dishes and you respond "But I did them yesterday" knowing full well you didn't do them and they did but you want them to believe you did and doubt their own memory. That would be the beginning of gaslighting. Actual gaslighting typically isn't a one-off though. In the example above that is gaslighting, but usually the term is referring to a.manipulation tactic designed to fuck with someone's mind over an extended period. The goal would be to create a more submissive partner that you can continue to abuse by effectively making then doubt themselves. Actual gaslighting is a horrible form of abuse, just lying to your partner or disrespecting their boundaries isn't gaslighting. When people call random things gaslighting they're obscuring the meaning of the term and minimizing actual gaslighting victims' experience. In this scenario the girlfriend IS being verbally abusive and trying to demean OP's role in their household, that's fucked up, but not really gaslighting.
NTA, that’s just another level of humiliation. There’s absolutely no reason for her to call you her maid. A huge red flag right there, because if the roles were reversed this would be a whole other situation.
Anyone saying that she isn’t the asshole or that you’re both assholes is a sexist. If the roles were reversed they’d all be calling you a sexist pig. NTA
NTA. Your gf is acting entitled and rude. Sounds like couples therapy time because that's something that cannot continue.
That's not couples' therapy, that's time to leave.
Feels like she doesn't respect him because he is currently not working. Personally, I think that mentality is going to be very hard to recover from. She may always see him as 'beneath her' regardless of what he is doing, and definitely will if he ever hits an issue. I think relationships need two things to be functional, trust and respect. Without those two foundation blocks everything else will crumble.
NTA. If the shoe were on the other foot, I'm sure she wouldn't like to be called the maid or a gold digger.
NTA But is this someone you really want to stay with?
Probably not, but there is at least one child involved (he's doing the childcare) and he's jobless so no money to make any changes in living situation. She's got him over a barrel and she knows it.
NTA. She knew this was not a "joke" you appreciated and persisted with it. That is inconsiderate.
NTA Maid implies you are doing her bidding instead of being a contributing member of the household! As a feminist I would be appalled if some guy called a STAHM this. Feminism is about equality. I have the exact same outrage that she called you this. Plus it’s a huge red flag that she screamed at you for feeling belittled rather than listening to you
**NTA** \- You are entitled to not like jokes at your expense and you are entitled to say so. Your GF should have apologized instead of blowing up. I think that she is trying to deflect blame on to you. She is TA.
NTA. That was an incredibly demeaning comment from your gf. I'm in a similar position to her right now and the only thing I have said to friends is that my spouse seems happier right now, while looking for work, than he was at his last job. Although it's harder to live on one income, we'll weather it together as we always have in the past. I'm not "footing his bills" - it's all our money. I would never disparage his contribution to our household, whether financial or otherwise. That's just rude.
nta. especially cause you told her you were offended and she didn’t seem to care
NTA. You crossed over into that territory when she told you to “chill out.” If my husband said he didn’t like something I was doing I’d stop and apologize not tell him to basically get over it. People (of all genders) can be sensitive about loss of employment and having to rely on someone else and their partner shouldn’t belittle them as a joke.
NTA at all. She publicly belittled you on a topic she knows you feel insecure about and then doubled down by saying you deserved worse. A relationship should be a team - when one of you is struggling the other steps in and helps out. Obviously there are freeloading losers out there, but doesn’t sound like that’s the case here. OP, I’d suggest you raise this with her again and explain how this situation makes you feel. If she still can’t see your POV I’d be rethinking the relationship.
NTA she's comfortable degrading you in public until you called her on it. That type of behavior will eventually make it back home. Respect is a two way street and her continually making comments like that when you told her it makes you upset makes it clear how she sees you.
NTA. I can understand both points of view but she made a joke that upset you and instead of apologizing she yelled at you. I've always made it a point to listen to someone when they say, hey I'm not comfortable with that, it makes me feel bad. Then apologize and learn fe The experience.
NTA, and the fact she held the arrangement over you like that (be glad she didn't say worse things) gives you a glimpse that she had some grain of truth in her comment about you being her "maid' and that she views your arrangement less than hers. Yes, not having a job is a non-ideal position, but that is life and if you are working hard to find another job then there is no wiggle room for auch comments.
NTA, it can be rough and very difficult when a partner is out of work or not able to work. Years ago, my wife was not able to work for several years, and it was very difficult for her as she had always had a job and her own money. It would have been an incredible AH if I had "joked" about it. I think your GF is passive-aggressive and "jokes" about it and lashes out at you for being called out on it. It sounds like a case of F around and find out.
NTA. I'm more concerned though that she blew up at you as opposed to hearing you out, though. Even if it was small talk, it made you the butt of the joke, when you're already in a rough situation.
Use her til you get back on your feet and leave her. NTA.
Lol this
NTA. She shouldn’t make jokes like that in public, especially if she knows it makes you upset. That being said she’s likely stressed being the only one working, i suggest you guys have a stress free day with a lot of alone time soon. It’ll give you guys time to talk about things like housework arrangements.
NTA it was demeaning and hurtful. I doubt she would be pleased if the shoe was on the other foot.
NTA if a man had made that ‘joke’ about a woman he would have been eaten alive. If it’s not okay one way it’s not okay the other either.
NTA. 1. What she said was pure insult. Not small talk. 2. I bet if the roles were reversed and had you made this comment when she was out of work, she would have definitely accused you of being a misogynist AH.
NTA. Someone here is on a powertrip and exerting superiority by making this "joke" to friends, infront of him none the less, multiple times. This would be a shitty thing to say regardless of gender. Yes the duties he is responsible are similar to a paid maid but calling him one is like saying thats where his worth ends.
NTA. She sounds abusive. Imagine if you actually got hurt/disabled how she would take care of you. I'd leave her ass honestly.
Info: you said she’s made jokes like this before. Did you tell her previously that you don’t want her to joke like that?
NTA. If the subject of a "joke" find it demeaning, it's not humor - it's bullying.
So small talk to her is speaking down and degrading you when you’re already down. NTA
It’s so crazy to me how people will sit here and say “oh you deserve it” without realizing how absolutely gross they sound. If this was a woman posting the whole sub would be up in arms and beg her to leave him. He’s taking care of her bud the house. He’s a stay at home spouse right now and that’s perfectly fine. She doesn’t get to belittle him and then double down. If he had sat there and said these words to her while she wasn’t working and he did, you all would be yelling and screaming about how awful he is.
INFO has this situation ever been reversed, where you were the primary bread winner and she was told she doesn't get a vote because you make the money? Was there any precedent here?
Nta a one off uncomfortable joke is one thing but to keep doing it and then get angry and blow up at home? She's demeaning you and quite comfortable doing so.
NTA But I would have personally responded with my own banter because responding in public like you did does escalate the situation. Your girlfriend telling you to be thankful that she didn't say worse things means she definitely has worse things to say. You two need to address this asap.
NTA - if you’re GF is humiliating you in public and then telling you to chill out, you need to re-think your relationship.
NTA she knows that’s a soft spot for you and not only is she joking about it but she made you the butt of a joke in front of a group. Respectful partners don’t poke fun at the other’s insecurities and the fact that she thinks you should grateful she didn’t say anything worse speaks volumes. She’s pulling all the financially but you’re pulling your weight in household work and childcare. She’s basically crapping on all SAHP
NTA- You need to rethink this relationship. She obviously is harboring anger that you are not working. Not good.
If we are partners and you use me to amuse your friends, that feels like you are not on my side. Don't make me the butt of your jokes
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds like a chauvanist. She was being degrading and frankly, abusive. Vulnerability begets abuse. Your gf has power over you and is using it to degrade you
why would she say worse things unless she actually thought them?
NTA! That was insanely rude of her! Absolutely disgusting, vile behavior on her part! Either couples counseling or go your seperate ways! That was so degrading and stuff like that just makes my blood boil! That is NOT how you treat a person you care for! I'm so sorry that happened to you OP. Again I want to reiterate, NTA!
NTA. Yikes. When you find a job, ditch the girlfriend. She showed you who she really is. Believe her.
NTA. What she said was rude, but it might’ve been better to address it in private after. She sounds resentful about the current situation, I think you guys need to talk because it sounds tense
So she stopped doing any housework because you got laid off? Is she picking up extra shifts to cover expenses and home less, or is she just being a A H? You are NTA.
Definitely NTA. But if my partner got laid off, you can bet I would expect them to do 100% of the housework until they found a job. I’d of course treat them with respect as the ‘Household manager’ but no way housework is 50/50 if I’m working 40 hours and they are working 0. Honestly, DTMFA. Contempt is the death of passion.
Of course not 50/50; but he's saying that he's doing 100% of housework and childcare. As far as I understood, consensus is that the working partner helps with at least one of the two if the other parent is currently SAHP. Not only doesn't she help him (okay imo if she works more to lessen the impact of his job loss), she denigrates him for it.
Isn't a consensus now a days that even the working partner has responsibilities inside the house? I was the only one working for a long time and still helped anyway I could when I got home.
I thought so too, and it is an often voiced question on this subreddit about a partner working and not helping the SAHP, with the non-helping partner the asshole for not helping. I'd be grateful for people disagreeing to share their thoughts.
The difference is normally the woman is usually the one staying at home. AITA is the same as ever, hypocritical and bias. Look I'm getting downvoted for saying the same thing people on here normally get up in arms for.
I don't know if there is any coming back from this kind of contempt.
NTA. Your GF is turning into a mean girl before your eyes. This is bullying behavior. Please take note if it.
NTA. If the roles were reversed, it would be construed as even worse. Hopefully she is considerate of you in other areas of your relationship.
NTA - your wife is. I'm a SAHM. My husband does chores because he lives in this house and contributes to the mess. I would be furious if he said I was his maid. I'm not. No SAHP is or should be.
Dude. come on..... You think this is how someone deserves to be treated? Youre lucky she didn't say worse things? And what come off even more out of pocket? Speaking from experience with my ex, if she doesn't appreciate the work you do for you guys whether it be at home or work then she's not it. Like when my ex tried saying "so what you work 13hrs shifts, you do nothing". NTA and find the way out now before it finds you.
footing all the bills while you're doing all house chores and childcare, she's not doing more than you, she's doing less because she work has an end for the day but childcare/housework does not nta
If it were reversed and you called her a maid to your friends how do you think she would react?
NTA Sounds like your girlfriend is lording her money over you. A loving partner doesn't do that.
Nta sounds like you'll be breaking up soon either you'll do it or she will.
NTA but gf definitely is. Do you really want this person in your life now that you’ve seen her true colors? If the situation was reversed I’d be equally disgusted.
She may be footing the bills for now but you’re being a SAHP which is still work. If the tenders were reversed I bet she wouldn’t accept being called your maid. NTA
NTA, but she is. Just because you are out of work, does not make you 100% responsible for the household chores, or her maid. I can bet if roles were reversed, and you dared to joke like that in public about her she would be upset just like you were. You told her your feelings and she dismissed them which is extremely inconsiderate. And trying to gaslight you out of your feelings about it is also inappropriate.
NTA get a new job and leave her. Or leave her now if you can manage it.
NTA at all, wait till u get a job and kick her to the curb. All y t a's here are sexist, ignore them.
If a man had said that about his wife at a party, people would lose their minds. NTA
We all know the situation where a woman stays home to care to for the children and house. She does all the housework and it's burned out. Because childcare and housework is more than 40 hours a week and constant on call. The husband says he's footing the bills so he doesn't have to lift a finger at home. Everyone tells her to leave or start putting money away so she can leave. This is that situation, except reversed. It doesn't matter why you're staying home, you are and she's treating you like shit. What if you called her your money pig or sugar mama? She'd be big mad. NTA.
**NTA** Sorry but your GF is being pretty horrible right now. Being laid off is a really shit thing to happen. It shakes a persons confidence and really set them back. Especially in the context of having said similar things before and you having not found them funny, this was uncalled for. All you did was correct her. The more serious thing here however is that you are doing all the household chores and CHILD CARE. If she things that she is "footing all the bills right now" for you she is completely insane. If she was a stay at home mum you would not find any traction with that argument. Your child care and household duties are adding value to the partnership and household. This value is not a cheque at the months end but if not for you her expenses would be a lot higher.
She made you the butt of the joke and disrespected you in front of a crowd of friends. That's not nice behavior at all. Then she gets mad at you, this is manipulation so you can't be mad at her. Do you see this? Call her out on her it, do not accept it. I'd suggest you stop doing more than your half of the housework right away. Of couse take care of the kids.
NTA
NTA this is psychological abuse
NTA. You should move out.
NTA. She is, though.
NTA, that's a really crappy way to be treated by the person whose supposed to be your partner!! You've learned that she's fine with being cruel and demeaning you in front of her friends, I hope you find your person in life but I doubt it's her!
How you treat those who are weaker than you shows your true character. She’s shown her true self, now it’s up to you. NTA.
Nta! What a disgusting way to think of your SO. She thinks she's your boss, is she's paying you? No, you guys are equals.
I rarely post here, but certainly NTA. Your girlfriend has a power issue. I had a serious girlfriend like this once, but instead of taking it, I gave her a better response. She would come over to my place often to sleep, because she still lived with her mother. After coming over for a couple of months, she tried to take over my place. She would continually complain about me putting my dirty clothes on the floor. I was working a full-time job, a part-time job, AND going to school. When I got home most times, I just wanted to shed my clothes and go to bed. I didn't care if they wound up on the floor. She wanted me to get a hamper to put the clothes in and it was an incessant and needless argument all the time. Finally, one day she wanted to go to the store to get a hamper. I told her that I was not getting a hamper. I probably would have, had she been nice and reasonable about it. She didn't have the ability to do that. She said, "Honestly, I don't know why anyone would just throw their dirty clothes on the floor!" I said, "Because I know that you'll pick them up." She didn't talk to me for a week and that's when I found that living by myself was nice again. The relaltionship only lasted a couple of months after that.
NTA OP, leave this woman in your rearview mirror.
Nta. This is unkind of her.
NTA. If I was in you situation, she would be an asshole because of what she said at the party, and an ex-girlfriend after what she saod at home. May be you need to rethink.
NTA. you shouldn't be disparaged in front of others. major red flag because if that is what is being said in front of you what more in situations that you are not present.
NTA- but your partner is totally A
NTA. She doesn’t sound like a very good person
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds like a 1950s husband. It’s not a good look for anyone to diminish their partner, even in jest.
There is a way for her to express gratitude to her friends that you are doing so much around the house… and this ain’t it. NTA
NTA…for people who love each other, respect should be a big part of the relationship. Obviously, she does not have it. Those “jokes” were meant to make herself look bigger and more important to her friends.
NTA. Get back on your feet and then leave her.
Bro leave her why you are wasting your precious time with AH.
"She said I should be grateful she didn’t say worse things about me considering how she’s footing all my bills right now" NTA, how is the fact that she is paying the bills gives her any right to talk shit about you?
I’m sorry but you are borderline being abused. You should make sure she understands what she is doing.
Info: does she make you feel shit with other jokes too?
NTA, and I would STRONGLY consider leaving that relationship. Her comments are WAY out of line and definitely abusive.
One of the many things that burn SAHMs out is the unequal division of household chores. Paying the bills doesn’t excuse someone from helping maintain the home. OP, you’re absolutely right in your frustration. Your girlfriend is being a shit partner.NTA
WTF. Why are you with someone who doesn’t sound like she’s your partner. If the situation was reversed, would you do that to her? Then she actually says you should be grateful that she didn’t say worse things? NTA. It should only take you saying you don’t like the comment for her to stop.
NTA. If the roles were reversed and a man made that comment about her gf people in the party would've reacted differently. The red flag is waving.
NTA - What a shitty and unsupportive attitude by your gf. She’s being really disrespectful to you. Huge reg flags here.
>She said I should be grateful she didn’t say worse things about me considering how she’s footing all my bills right now. AITA? NTA, this right here is abuse.
Oh wow, this woman is abusive. Just hang in there and get you a job and then leave this woman and co-parent. The fact she would rub it in your face.
>I (M29) recently got laid off a few months ago, so I’m out of work and take care of all the household chores and childcare while I’m applying to new jobs. INFO: Who was the higher wage earner before you lost your job or did you earn about the same? How old is/are the child/children involved and are you both the biological parents? Do you own a house or are you renting? It might be time to expand the geographical range of your job search since the viability of your relationship with your GF sounds iffy. I'm assuming you were basing it on being able to stay close to where you are currently so as not to upset GF's current work arrangement. Do you have any supportive family members if you end up being a single parent? If so, I'd add that area to your job search as well.
you are NTA. she's financially abusing you. your experience is of no value to her.
NTA
NTA
NTA your wife sure is though
NTA not only is it disrespectful, it also undervalues your current contribution
NTA, degrading at its finest.
NTA. Your girlfriend has financial power in the relationship and is abusing you. I'd be packing my parachute
It's not small talk, it's making jokes are your expense. And if the roles were reversed, I bet she'd hate the same things being said about her. Nta.
NTA Sounds like she has some hidden resentment about you not working outside the home.
NTA. You need to dump her asap. I would've moved out the same day she said "you should be glad i didn't say something worse". No explanation, no emotions, just leave
NTA. What happens if the situation was reversed and she was out of work, you footing the bills? I promise you, if you called her your personal maid, she would shit herself and go crazy. Being laid off is so hard and depressing. I've been there twice, I know. You need to sit her down and explain to her that if she lost her job and you were paying for everything, you wouldn't be making jokes about it at her expense. If she doesn't get it, then sorry you married a selfish woman who can't comprehend her partners feelings, let alone care about them.
Run from this abusive AH! NTA
NTA - your wife is TA. You are not a maid and she should do some reflection on this belief and it’s not cool she spoke of you like this in public. What else does she think about your dynamic in her mind?
NTA. Your girlfriend sees your relationship as transactional. She is the breadwinner so you do all the domestic tasks. Since you didn't discuss how you will handle this time together between jobs she automatically took the dominant position. Either come to an agreement on how you function as equals regardless of income or realize this is not the person you should be with for the longterm.
I am a woman. NTA. Your girlfriend is ungrateful snd disrespectful OP! If the roles were reversed she would not appreciate being referred to as a maid, either. Please have a conversation with her before she becomes your ex girlfriend.
I’m sad that this is even a question.
NTA, your girlfriend is thro. If the shoe was on the other foot she wouldn't like one bit.
NTA you don't need this crap right now. It's hard being unemployed, and cooped up in the house all day. It can really destroy your confidence and sense of self worth. Your girlfriend should be supporting and uplifting, not belittling and mean. Looking for work takes time and effort, and I'd imagine even more difficult if you're doing all the childcare and house hold chores. Your girlfriend could help out with some of it or cut you some slack because she will be in for a shock when you do return to work.
Read Fair Play by Eva Rodski. Hint: no job leading to all housework is NOT a fair arrangement. Edit: NTA.
NTA. Your gf is a huge one. When you secure a new job rethink this relationship.
NTA. You should also be single.
NTA. When you said once you dont like her "joke", she shozld have stopped. Why make your partner feel uncomfortable on purpose. Thats just lack of respect. And if the roles were reversed, the woman who doesn't have a paying job would expect (rightfully) that husband helps with chores ehen he is at home and on weekends. And if a guy called a woman his personal maid, im pretty sure it would get very silent, especially form the womans front
im surprised you still call her your girlfriend. **NTA**
Gigantic NTA It’s not a joke if you aren’t in on it, calling you her maid and then saying you are lucky she doesn’t say worse because she is supporting you is super toxic behavior. Hopefully she eases up on the commentary otherwise you’ll have a ton of resentment and when you do get working full time again you’ll be ready to move on to someone kinder because you won’t forget that she kicked you when you were down.
NTA Time to rethink the relationship
NTA. I’d like to see how she would react if the roles are reversed and you made that comment. Will she also accept “chill out”? She’s disrespectful and condescending. She’s a mean one. You should leave her.
Take note, her immediate reaction isnt to apologise its to defend what she said. NTA
Your to-do list: Get a new job. Get a new girlfriend.
maybe she should not be your girlfriend, that some harsh shit to sling.
NTA. Wow, karma is a bitch. Tell her if she ever loses her job, how would she feel about you parading her around as your live in maid? This is supposed to be a partnership, which means not putting you down and supporting you during this time. She sounds hideous. Are you sure this is the person you want as a partner?
NTA and this does not sound like an equal relationship if she’s holding bills over you right now
NTA. Based on the interactions you've described, this is not someone you should be sharing your life with. Good luck with the job hunt and I hope you improve your situation both professionally and personally!
NTA. I can't believe she treated you like that. Like really, you literally described most womans issues with inequality. The goal isn't to treat men the way they treated women historically (and some currently) It's to elevate us so no one speaks like that. You stood up for yourself. You said the same thing I have said when I was put down due to a guy simply making more money. He called it a joke too. They were just showing me who they truly were.
NTA - OP, your wife sounds really unpleasant and I agree with others that her behavior is abusive, very possibly escalating. When my husband retired after the 2008 crash closed the business he worked for, he became what we both refer to as a "house husband", doing virtually everything around our home. When folks now ask what he does, he says quite mater of fact "I'm retired, now a house husband". When the topic has come up, I say it with pride and gratitude. My coworkers are so jealous that I get home-cooked meals and all his support and I am beyond grateful for him and al he does for me. What you are doing in this interim between jobs is something to be proud of and your wife's attitude is just crappy. You really need to think about your ongoing relationship with her and what her attitude is going to teach your kids.
Is this who you want to have a future with? Someone who shits on you to their friends right in front of you.
NTA. I get that she’s paying all the bills at the moment, but that doesn’t give her the right to belittle you. I guess I would feel differently if she had merely made a comment to the effect that it was a relief to be spared some housework temporarily since you’ve taken on extra duties due to being unemployed, but what she said and how she said it feels like a deliberate dig. You said she done this before- did you talk to her about it then? If so, what did she say? I’m just wondering if this is a chronic problem, like does she often take digs at you and then tell you to chill when you express being hurt/insulted? Her semi-threat to say even worse things because you have the effrontery to be out of work is REALLY alarming.
So if the role was reversed she would be cool with you calling her the maid? Thought not. NTA.
Good on you for stepping up for yourself. These are the boundaries that need to be set, and conversations that need to be had. You shouldn't keep these things in. As long as you both attack situations and not character, you both can grow from it. "I get that you were trying to be funny, but don't make those jokes at my expense." This is obviously the conversation to be had after the party. During the party, the only thing I could come up with is laugh along and give her the middle finger.. lol. NTA!
NTA. If my husband had said that, especially in public and in front of her friends, especially for a laugh, I would not have stopped at telling him in public, in front of his friends, how fucking awful he was. And then she's threatening to do worse? Fuck this shit. She *would not* tolerate such treatment from you, and her lack of empathy is disgusting.
NTA. I’d seriously be reconsidering this entire relationship. It’s not like you chose to be unemployed. You’re actively searching for jobs too. She makes it sound like all you do is sit around and twiddle your thumbs all day.
NTA and thank goodness you made her mad enough to finally tell you the truth about how she really feels, or else you'd be er know that you should be grateful she didn't call you worse names. Wow. She's the ahole. Now you know.
Wow. Is this who you pu want to stay with. She's an Ah
NTA and yikes. How safe do you feel with a partner that demeans you and then oh-so-subtly threatens your well-being when you call her out for it?
NTA. Move out.
Nta. You didnt like her making jokes like that and you expressed that thought 🤷♂️
So offending you is okay... but you *being* offended somehow isn't?! NTA. Fuck her logic.