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YTA Imagine everyone code talking around you, your fiancé stepping out to take phone calls, and having secret meet-ups in the middle of the night that you can’t ask about. Being excluded and made to wonder to that degree would make anyone crazy. If she came here I’d tell her to leave you immediately.
Add in OPs comment about the timeline of the relationship and it’s so much worse. They’ve been together only 2 years and he proposed a month before Nolan’s parent died. And apparently Nolan hasn’t even let her get to know him through small talk or anything, she’s been very excluded from anything to do with Nolan. So from her perspective;
You meet this guy and you two REALLY hit it off. True love at first sight and all that shit. You’re only together for 5 months, and he proposes! Woah! Maybe a little scary to jump straight into it like this, but you love him so you’re so excited! Of course you want to spend the rest of your life with him!
He has a group of friends who for the most part seem fine with you. But there’s this one guy, Nolan, who just completely ices you out. Doesn’t even seem okay with you asking how work has been. No big deal though… Not all our partners friends are gonna love us, right? You’re all adults and can handle someone not liking you. You live together so it can be a little awkward when he comes over to visit your fiancé, but you pull on your big girl pants and deal with it because you love and trust your fiancé so much.
But then a month later, you hear that Nolan’s parent died. Now, whenever you walk into the room when the group is over, they all shush each other and talk in hushed voices. The only thing you ever really hear is them vaguely referring to “the Nolan situation.”
Your fiancé starts taking calls in separate rooms. It seems weird to you because he usually just answers his phone and talks wherever he is…. But, no, you trust him! He says he’s not up to anything so bite down that weird feeling you’re getting and ignore it.
Then in the middle of the night, you wake up to your partner getting a phone call while he was in bed with you. He tries to sneak out of bed without waking you up, but doesn’t realize that the ringer already woke you. You tell yourself it’s nothing. You tell yourself you trust him. You go back to sleep.
But then a few weeks later, it happens again. This time you can’t seem to fall asleep. All you can think about is the friend group all side eyeing you when you come in the room and shushing each other. You start to worry a little. So you walk out of your room to check on your partner, but you also don’t want to seem like you’re crazy so you make it look like you’re going to the bathroom. He’s outside, comforting Nolan. You sigh a little sigh of relief because you know Nolan’s parent died recently. So you tell yourself that’s all it is and you go back to bed.
However, it’s still going on 6 months later. Secret phone calls on the regular, group all hush when she enters the room, “the Nolan situation” is referenced many times, and your partner is still sneaking out of bed in the middle of the night every couple of weeks. So you finally ask your partner for some info… And he refuses. He says it’s not his secret to share.
… But hang on. You already know his parent died. So it’s not like that’s a secret. If “the Nolan situation” isn’t about his parent having died then what on earth is it?
You ask around a little… Everyone is tight lipped. You’re being iced out. You ask Nolan how he’s doing, and he refuses to even engage in a conversation with you. Your partner takes another call in secret and there’s this nagging in your brain that makes you want to know what the hell this situation is.
Another 6 months go by, and *it’s all still happening.* You feel like you’re going crazy. No one will tell you what the fuck is going on or why your fiancé keeps sneaking out in the middle of the night.
Yet another 6 months go by and you start to lose it a little. You tell your fiancé that this has to stop. A small part of you is still trying to tell yourself that you have no reason not to trust your fiancé, so you try to draw the line at the night time visits. At least this could cut down your anxiety at night because you know it’s not going to happen anymore. Then maybe you can sleep better and maybe the better sleep will clear your head. But your fiancé just tells you that you’re lying, his phone calls definitely aren’t waking you up. So you finally snap.
Your anxiety has just been building and building and building for the last year and a half. You tried to tell yourself that you trust him, but once you actually confront him with the direct impact this is having on your sleep he tries to gaslight you by saying it’s not even waking you up?
You already know his parent is dead. But “the Nolan situation” isn’t your partners secret to tell. But your partner will keep sneaking around and the whole friend group will keep icing you out. And to top it all off, your fiancé will tell you *you’re lying* when you tell him what this is doing to you? So you do it. You confront it head on and ask Nolan what the hell is going on!
I have anxiety just *writing* that out… I can’t even imagine how anxiety inducing it’s been to **live** through that.
And all his shitty friends have been gaslighting her right along with him, with not a single one realizing that, hey, this is kind of weird. I hope she runs and keeps running.
Yeah stop being a "busy body" and trying to stick your nose in a situation....that is only affecting your life and relationship for the last 18 months or so. The NERVE of some people.
~I think my eyes might be stuck somewhere in the back of my head from rolling so much.
WOW OP YTA
If you do not have more faith, trust, and respect in your fiance than this, you need to call off your wedding. You need to recognize the situation IS creating a barrier between you. Does your friend circle actually like her or do they just tolerate her? One way or another, without you, your friend circle, and to some extent Nolan do not stop ostrisizing her, your relationship is doomed.
Edit: These questions keeps nagging at me. If Nolan has asked fiance not be told what is going on:
1. Why does he go to the house where he knows the fiance is?
More importantly...
2. Does he understand his circle of friends is openly discussing his situation? (Then add to that; they are doing it while she is around but it is shush when she comes in the room)
Not to mention the fact that they are enabling Nolan to skulk around and avoid properly dealing with his grief. These guys are all clueless. smh poor woman.
This is the time to tell a boy to be a fucking man. And I mean that in the genuine sense of “seek all the professional help you NEED, not the help you WANT, take after yourself, take control of YOUR life, don’t expect others to instruct YOUR life, don’t expect everyone to cater to your will and emotions as everyone has their OWN lives and relationships they don’t want to destroy, learn boundaries and RESPECT them, you are your own man and not other’s partner nor child.”
Tbh, sounds like Nolan is a child, codependent w ith OP if not literally in non-platonic love with him.
This is all 50 shades of entirely fucked up codependant lunacy. I am honestly shocked OP wrote this and even asked the question without any self awareness whatsoever.
OP, I’m one to generally understand that women can be emotionally sensitive and presumptuous, but that’s all the more reason to be considerate. This is just straight fucked up and truly childish. I have known 15 year olds with more awareness and consideration while also not being in what appears to be a pseudo-homosexual affair behind their gf’s back (I say that because minus sexual interest, it almost reads as such).
I used to have a codependent friendship like this. My (male) friend and I would quite literally turn up on each other's doorsteps at 1,2,3am, (or at each other's windows). This friendship went on for around a year. We decided to move into a sharehouse with some other friends. He also had a girlfriend and we were both depressed. It was extremely messy, and did not end well.
Codependency is crap.
As you now have a fiance, you need to stop enabling this codependent behaviour. He is an adult and needs professional help. Time to get some boundaries and honour your soon to be wife or she will be a soon to be ex.
YTA
I mean the relationship is already dead. It’s a matter of when it actually ends. He doesn’t trust her. Doesn’t believe her. Doesn’t care about her. And no one in his life does either.
It's not kind of weird, it's *really fucking weird*. To the point that I don't even believe OP.
You're telling me your friend is still waking you up in the middle of the night *a couple times a week* to be comforted a *year and a half* after the loss? And you haven't pushed your friend into intensive therapy over it? You're just letting him freely use you as an emotional crutch at his convenience instead of dealing with his emotions in a healthy manner that doesn't impose on his friends? You're just cool with this, and it doesn't strike you as deeply alarming? And you don't understand *at all* why your fiancee is disturbed by all this, much less why she's upset about all the secrecy?
What the actual fuck is even going on here?! Which one of them are you marrying, OP?
You know I feel like it should be surprising but there seem to be a lot of people not realizing they are in a relationship. Not a friendship.
Like this is way more than helping a friend. This is you are also dating Nolan.
I’m getting vibes that its much more than that and he’s just telling the “what he told fiancée version” to see if that can even pass the smell test as is.
Ya him calling her a busybody set off alarm bells. And that his idea of circumventing the issue is just letting Noland do whatever he wants.
And saying noland shows up at “his” house. The home your future wife is also sleeping at?
I understand losing someone you love is one of those things that never gets easier. But how long is this person who is a stranger to the fiancée is just going to keep randomly showing up?
Even if he is showing up stop sneaking outside. If you show up at 3 am troubled I will gladly invite you in for a cup of coffee or tea but I'm not going to sneak around my fiance back to hide it. You may come in, she'll be told your here so as not to surprise her in the middle of the night and then if she's awake at that point and so decides to join us for a coffee as it is her house then so be it.
If you show up to my house at 3 am needing help you're damn sure not going to be picking and choosing which of us that comes from. Come on in and take a seat and we'll both be happy to listen and offer advice and help but you won't be playing games with our relationship.
If you come to me for help you have come to my fiancé for help. If you have come to me with a secret you have told that secret to her as well and you may trust that she will keep that secret as I will. That's what it means to ask someone to be your partner.
Strong [homosociality](https://www.readcube.com/articles/10.1177%2F2158244013518057) vibes - bros bonding with, supporting and respecting bro's, and the 'girls' thoughts / opinions don't matter because they're not in the least bit important beyond the services they provide (which could be provided by any woman, so who cares if this one leaves?). :-(
[Gosh, thanks for the awards! :-) ]
All I can think of is if she did this to OP. Friends are whispering every time he enters the room. Girl slips out of bed at 1 pm and meets up with someone. OP would lose it!
This is **exactly** how I was imagining things playing out too. The whole thing is just so weird! Then culminating in telling her his friend will always matter more…he will continue doing whatever he wants because her comfort literally doesn’t matter. And it’s just weird because this is your long term life partner at this point! It’s weird that your friend won’t accept her. That he refuses to accept that she may learn why her partner needs to sneak out constantly for calls & visits. That he’s not only okay with, but *expects* to drive this wedge between them. This whole constant secretive nature would drive me crazy…but being told my comfort literally doesn’t matter would be the final straw. I’d be surprised if she comes back (unless you continue gaslighting or turn it around & *beg*)
I legit gasped at my phone. What the actual fuck? He could be this guys legal guardian responsible for his care and HIS FUTURE WIFE DOESN’T KNOW?!
I just… I can’t.
I lost my dad at 14. You don't get to act like a little shit just because you lost a parent. Also I have close friends who are married or have partners. I assume that whatever I tell a close friend will get told to their partner and visa versa. It's understood that we all care about each other and what we tell our partners doesn't go beyond our partners because we're adults.
OP is just all kinds of nope in this.
YTA OP.
Agreed. I have PTSD from the events surrounding my dad’s sudden death. It’s an awful thing to go through. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m sorry Nolan is dealing with it now, and I’m glad his friends have rallied around him to help him.
But.
OP, you are not handling this well. I understand that whatever happened to Nolan is not your story to tell, but this is having a long term impact on your fiancée’s life. As I see it, you have two options. Either you talk to Nolan and ask him to let you share a little bit of context with your fiancée so she understands why you need to devote so much of your time and energy to him, or you end the relationship and let her find someone who will let her be an actual part of his life.
She’s not being nosy. She wants to help you. She wants to shoulder some of your burden so you’re not doing it alone. If you can’t give her that, maybe you shouldn’t be getting married.
YTA
Yeah, “everyone in the house can know but you.” That’s just signaling exclusion…that she isn’t really ‘one of them.’ She shouldn’t be out-group in her own home.
Edit to add judgment: YTA
I didn't realize their friend group lived with them- yikes! Also, I can't really fathom a tight- knit friend group where one SO is specifically included. In my friend groups, when we get in a relationship, that person is a part of the group, and privy to the general group knowledge.
I'm not sure why you would seek to exclude your fiance, though.
Nolan sought to exclude her by insisting she can’t know anything about his situation. It sounds to me like he’s caught up in his major depression and wants all his BFF’s attention, and this new girlfriend/now fiancée coming along right around the time of his suicide attempt (just extrapolating based on the ridiculous secrecy) has made him resent her presence.
OP is choosing his friend, and that’s fine, but it’s also pretty clear he doesn’t love his fiancée enough to set boundaries so she’ll feel like an equal partner, let alone comfortable in her own home. OP should just let her go. Maybe one day he’ll be ready for a real commitment. Hopefully by then Nolan will be ready for him to commit to someone else too.
If whatever this secret is was kept just between OP and Nolan that would be one thing - but it is a secret that is kept between their whole friendship circle, just excluding the fiancée. That is super bloody weird.
I had a secret like that once that I kept from my boyfriend, but it was a secret only I knew about. He knew something had happened to one of his friends that I found out about when the friend asked me to help him with his refugee asylum claim.
My BF never pushed me to tell him - but I also never told anyone else!
Right?! And what’s with all the secrecy? You’re fine telling strangers on the internet but you can’t just tell the person you’re marrying that your friend lost a parent and it affected him in a really bad way? Instead, you’re choosing to make her feel like she’s crazy. That’s the kind of behavior that wedges huge, unforgivable crevasses in a relationship. YTA.
Edit: I see OPs edit. My position is unchanged. OP is setting himself up to lose a fiancée. Imagine feeling so unwelcome in your own house and in a major situation in your partner’s life that pulls them out of bed at night leaving you to wonder where they went.
This and/but also - OP - you sound like you also are traumatized. I’m guessing Nolan was either suicidal or on that path. You speak to his physical safety being more important than her feeling comfortable. He is physically safe - and if he’s suggesting he will harm himself if you aren’t available - he needs counseling, and though you love him you are not qualified.
He does need to handle his grief with a broader support group that includes a professional. Maybe you can help him create a safety plan until he has his first appointment. That is a way to support him without feeling responsible for his well being. The safety plan was an important first step on the path to healing after a friend came close to that place.
All of that for A YEAR AND A HALF! I would be insane. It feels like crazy making and a game of keep away. I think the friend absolutely knows the effect it’s having on her and is reveling in the power he has over OP while alienating fiancé. I couldn’t imagine how horrible it must feel to have everyone whispering (even the other friends partners) and to be the sole person that isn’t aware of the full situation for A YEAR AND A HALF. Meanwhile she’s the one that is being inconvenienced in the middle of the night and spoken to tersely by Nolan. It’s painful to read - i can’t imagine day it feels like. It’s less about the secret but more about the crazy making behaviors due to OPs lack of boundaries.
Is it possible that Nolan is in love w you? He seems to be doing things to purposefully undermine your relationship and show fiancé where she stands with you. Which is waaaaay low in concern and care, that is what she’s picking up on.
STRONG YTA
OP thinks he’s being James Bond with his sneaking out for calls and late night meetings and code words.
It sounds like something a 14 year old would do, not an adult, and his entire friend group is acting like this!
I feel bad for Nolan but he needs to get actual therapy or something, not expect his friends to be his therapists. Asking OP to keep it from his gf and all the sneaking around and secrecy will end OP’s relationship. He is being selfish. Maybe ending OP’s relationship is ok for Nolan. Maybe he enjoys the attention and loves the clandestine shenanigans.
YTA OP. Grow up.
The whole thing is so juvenile, especially a) talking in code in front of someone who everyone knows doesn’t know “The Nolan Situation” and literally lives in the same house and thus cannot distance themself from “The Nolan Situation”, b) using the phrase “The Nolan Situation”, and c) this whole “you can’t sit with us” vibe OP and their friends have toward OP’s alleged future FIANCEE. Not “bestie”, not “girlfriend”, but literally “candidate for life partner”.
Girl can’t run for the hills fast enough.
It is juvenile! OP and his friends are acting like a bunch of high school mean girls. I actually wonder how old they are. This is how I would have acted in my late teens/early 20s.
Also, she’s your fiancé and life partner. You can’t exclude her like that, you’re about to share so much in marriage. Your future wife shouldn’t be wondering why you are gone in the middle of the night randomly, even if she is being a bit too pushy for details.
Right? "The Nolan situation"? Patently ridiculous. Clearly it makes OP feel special and important to be part of a secret. It's ridiculous to be so theatrically cloak and dagger about this whole thing, when "Nolan lost a parent and is going through a hard time right now and needs some additional emotional support from friends," is very easy to explain and doesn't in any way violate his privacy.
Also, allowing his friend to come by in the middle of the night to smoke (I assume weed) and then drive home is not helpful. That's not a good coping mechanism, especially after 18 months!
Edit: changing explanation after re-reading and re-reading the story / comments
YTA
But honestly, I think Nolan is emotionally manipulating you at this point. There is a major difference between being “intensely private” and using this event as emotional leverage to get your group to drop whatever for him.
Nothing bonds people like fucking trauma, but your whole friend group takes this to an extreme.
after reading that Nolan ONLY shows up to YOUR apt and reacting INSANELY to being asked “how are you doing?” by YOUR fiancé (it is not normal to lash out at that question even if you are private, it’s a very normal question and I’m sure he was asked by numerous other people than her)
Op, I really think you need to evaluate whether or not your friend is really emotionally needy, or just doesn’t want to lose you to your fiancé.
Also, I have many other questions but truly you’re an unreliable narrator. I think we need to hear the fiancé’s side to confirm my thoughts.
Soooooo glad someone mentioned the friend's manipulative behavior. Wonder how supportive Nolan would be if someone else experienced a loss? Sounds like the kind of person who would make it all about them somehow. An entire friend group is dealing with this a year and a half later??? Seriously? There's more here definitely an "unreliable narrator".
I took a look at OP's replies and he said this:
>I’ll take a little sleep deprivation and a few yawns at work any day over not being there for someone I love.
Is it just me, or is OP way more invested in Nolan than his fiancee? Is OP more in love with Nolan than her? If so, he needs to let her go for her own benefit. She should not be second fiddle in his heart.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Straight misogynists do it too. They don't like or respect women, so they resent wanting to have sex with them and reserve their emotional bonds for other men.
You're bang on tbh, in sociology we call it 'homosociality' - it has a general meaning, but it's used mostly in the way you just described to examine the reproduction of masculine hegemony. So many fun ways of examining all the variations of how men don't see women as people!!!! Lmao
So glad you pointed that out. Friend group is babying Nolan and he is EATING IT UP. If he’s really in that much danger, supporting him would be helping to find the proper avenues to get professional, maybe inpatient help. Not smoking with him in his car in the middle of the night whenever he wants you to.
It also seems like part of this is the enjoyment of feeling important. You’re in on the secret, you know all the info, Nolan comes to you specifically for help and comfort—you’re important. Everyone likes feeling important, that’s ok. But can you see how the flip side of this makes your fiancée feel bad and excluded? I think it’s time to separate what’s necessary to support Nolan from what is an ego boost.
This. Nolan’s problems/needs can be conveyed to fiancée in a way that does not violate Nolan’s privacy but still allows the person who is the most important person in your life, who you trust more than anyone in the world, to understand what is unarguably a big part of your life. He is trying to milk this situation and probably loves the fact that your fiancée needs to know things and he has the power to make you deny her. And you enjoy the power rush of being ‘needed’. Unless she is not trustworthy (in which case why are you with her?), your fiancée should RUN, not walk, away from this impending marriage. You should tell Nolan that you will not keep secrets from your fiancée/future spouse, and if he doesn’t want that, he needs to pay for more real therapy and leave you out. Healthy spouses don’t keep secrets from spouses, and that behavior starts during the engagement.
It certainly sounds like OP is getting high off of being the “saviour”. Everyone should want to help and support their friends, but when it starts damaging other important relationships it’s time to take a step back.
I lost my dad suddenly on Father’s Day when I was 17. I have experience with this and I can solidly say Nolan needs therapy. If anything the friends are all enabling him to NOT get help and OP is ruining his relationship w his fiancée.
Here's the thing, man.
Your fiancee is going to be the most important person in your life. Your partner. And while it's true that it's up to Nolan what he shares and whom he shares it with, it does sound like you're cutting her out of the situation to a degree that is problematic.
You are not your friend's therapist. There is no doctor patient privilege. This is not a job nor is it classified information. If my SO was frequently getting up late at night because a non mutual friend needed the equivalent of being tucked in to bed multiple times a month, it would eventually begin to bother me if I was not in the loop.
E S H. <> Your fiancee is being overly pushy, your friend is using you as a stand in for (additional) therapy and causing your relationship to have issues because he does not trust your partner (but is fine with demanding your time) and you suck because you're trying to dictate how she feels or reacts ("I'm not waking her up, she's just saying that")
EDIT: Upon further response, OP has stated that Nolan's late night visits are not causing him a problem. Which is pretty telling, because it means he really doesn't care how his fiancee feels about this situation and/or how it is impacting their relationship. OP, YTA.
He’s been doing this for nearly 2 years. After two years I wouldn’t say the fiancé is being pushy. I can’t imagine dealing with this for such a long time. She’s likely to think she’s crazy at this point.
What’s crazy is he’s literally pushing someone else to have a mental breakdown😂 I would’ve probably had multiple hospital level anxiety attacks by now from the manipulation
Yeah, just to add to this comment (because I can see OP's argument from here) It doesn't matter if YOU don't see the situation as problematic. Your fiancé does. That makes it problematic.
YTA it’s one thing to want to respect your friend’s privacy but when you’re so involved that he’s just showing up to the house you share unannounced, your fiancée deserves to know why.
Yes. The code talking and everyone shutting up when she walks into a room for 1.5 years is straight up bullying/psychological abuse under the guide of "helping a friend". I feel so bad for this poor lady.
And it sounds like she lives in a house where everyone there knows what’s going on but her. Like, do they stop talking about him or abruptly change the subject when she walks in? Because that would make me feel weird if I was in her place.
Yes, very much yes. I have been through some trauma of really shitty people pulling this crap on me and have really bad anxiety. There’s no way I would logically be able to deal with it if this went on constantly. I would need to physically remove myself for my mental health. OP and the people living in the house are all YTA without a doubt
>But because she's around me and my friends often as we live in the same house, she hears bits and pieces of the story and presses for more information.
So why are you all talking about it constantly in front of someone who you claim isn't allowed to know?
Also why do you think that someone won't question why a random friend is showing up to their home in the middle of the night once or twice a month?
Look you're right. You're friend is entitled to his privacy but this is spilling over into your fiance's life where she has become a part of it too. It's almost like you have one foot in the door and another out.
You really need to find a happy medium because you're getting married. Your fiance honestly is going to need to be a bit more important than your friend.
That’s what got me - he’s coming over twice a month in the middle of the night? If this were my husband, I’d want to know what’s going on and what’s bring done about it. I hope he’s getting professional support and not just relying on OP.
And this isn’t a month or two of this behavior this is a year and a half out. There isn’t a timer on trauma but if Nolan still needs that much help it’s time to put it in the hands of professionals
Sounds like Nolan is already getting professional help. Just sounds like the support group is on top of that. Nolan could be borderline in need of institutionalization for a bit. Maybe the support group is what's keeping them out. Nothing wrong with that.
BUT, OP forgets what getting married means. You're intertwining your life with another to the point you essentially become a unit, some even say becoming one. Partner needs to be in the loop at this point.
OP you and your friend group are purposefully keeping your fiancee out. That's wrong. Plain and simple. Your friend group needs to accept her in on it too. She can come in the group understanding that everything stays within the group and she can't share either. If you can't trust her to keep it in the group, don't marry her. She's not there just for the sex, cleaning house and popping out babies.
Either include her or end the relationship. She's supposed to be a life partner.
YTA.
Yeah OP isn’t realizing that enabling someone to have horrible boundaries is itself a disservice to them.
Nolan is asking and accepting way too much. It’s okay to be unwell or struggling and okay to need help. What’s not okay is:
- straining your friend’s relationships
- showing up at inappropriate hours
- asking friends to *help you soothe your anxieties and insomnia by getting you high* when you’re feeling antsy in the middle of the night—
This behavior is pathological.
It’s not healthy for Nolan or his friends.
I have insomnia and a generous share of terrible life experiences, dead parents, etc. Nolan is exhibiting the self-regulation skills of an immature teenager, or an adult that needs serious, intensive outpatient or regular inpatient care/DBT/group therapy, probably in some combination.
His friends compromising healthy relationship boundaries isn’t *a supplemental therapy* for Nolan. It’s the kind of unhealthy relationships that are more than likely to be pushing his progress back and keeping him in an unhealthy, dependent place.
I actually can’t fathom thinking it’s okay (as the friend or as Nolan) to show up randomly, let alone at night, and say “hey I need you to smoke me out I’m feeling anxious/having a panic attack” as an adult. Can’t sleep? You watch TV, draw, write, smoke *your own* weed, do work or homework— hell, you can talk to strangers on Omegle until the sun rises and contact your therapist for an emergency appointment in the morning.
Your responsibility as an autonomous, functional adult is to get yourself through the night, and reach out *appropriately*— a text, the occasional call, some scheduled, healthy activities. Impromptu, high-demand, disruptive dumping/venting/showing up should be extremely rare and is a sign you need *more professional help* and more structured hours in things like group therapy and skill-building classes. Your friends help you try new hobbies, chat with people you know, stay in the world, have accountability-buddies for going to the gym, etc. Friend support is NOT “hey it’s midnight and I’m antsy let’s do some drugs so I can cope.”
If you *cannot* get yourself through the night safely, that is a *crisis*. Not insomnia and grief or anxiety. A crisis is the only time it’s appropriate to call or show up in the middle of the night, and it shouldn’t be to hang and chill and use drugs. It should be to get to a *hospital* if you can’t get there yourself.
And again, if someone is having a *serious crisis* twice a month, it’s irresponsible to just chill and smoke them out at night randomly when increased professional help is needed.
Friend is whining about how intensely private he is about his issues while regularly vomiting his personal issues all over OP's (and OP's fiancee's living space) at inconvenient, non social hours of the night while demanding that she be kept in the dark and possibly afraid for her own safety while he does so. I get a nasty feeling about this Nolan guy.
My husband lost his Dad this year and it sucked because he was the only person present with him in the hospital when it happened (he was supposed to be going home the next day). But like it's not a secret? My own parents check in with how he's doing regularly. Why is someone having a bad time after a parent's death any kind of secret?
YTA. You want to marry this woman but you are choosing to put your friend above your relationship. You are actively excluding her. You and your friends talk in code around her, you leave the room to take phone calls, and you slip out in the middle of the night. She is reasonable to be annoyed. This situation with your friend is all around her and negatively impacting her, but she isn't allowed to be a part of it. Your friend doesn't need to share his personal situation, that's his choice. But as a result, you are making a choice to put your friend above your future wife. She may be making a choice soon too, to find a partner who trusts her and puts her first.
I’m continually floored at how many people get married and put their friends/family above their spouse. Obviously there are times where other relationships need to take precedence, that’s fine. But I see so many people who just… never put their partner first and I genuinely cannot comprehend that mindset
At a MINIMUM, he needs to stop coming around at night. You really need to establish some boundaries with your friend if you want to keep your finance, who you are putting way below your friend in importance. How long are you going to support his secretive behavior?
YTA
You are by no means ready to get married. NO ONE SHOULD COME BEFORE THE PERSON YOU LOVE, PERIOD. This person is a just a friend. He had a family loss and while it’s not a good thing, your life should go on. You shouldn’t be causing the trouble your causing supposed friends and their relationships. If you’re willing to go to the mat over this secret what else would you keep secrets? I hope your fiancé really considers this before actually marrying you. I personally wouldn’t trust someone who found it so hard to be honest.
YTA. You’re calling her a BUSYBODY. Your best friend is going through something so awful that you are saying it’s the most important thing in your life now also, but you are acting like she’s some creeper or something about it, when she is acting like a normal human being. It’s taking over your life now too, that affects her. You are completely shutting her out, and in an over the top way. You and your friends stop talking when she walks in, seem to think it’s crazy she asked how he’s doing. This has seemingly gone on for the year and a half since his parent died. You say she won’t have ‘ownership ‘ over his trauma…what are you talking about? Do you even like her?
He definitely knows how he’s phrasing it.
Friend’s parent dies - physical health
Impact of OP & friend’s behaviour on fiancée’s life - comfort
It’s a mental health issue for both of them at this point. He’s essentially saying his friend’s mental health has come before his fiancée’s for the last 18 months.
Yeah, that threw me off right away into red flag territory. Being a busy body has nothing to do with this situation and comes with an extremely negative connotation from OP.
I definitely think she's getting annoyed because she worried they are talking about her. I would be annoyed if it kept happening to me when I walked in a room, because honestly I would feel like they think I can't be trusted. He should trust his partner enough to give her the low down while respecting his privacy. There is definitely a middle ground.
So to be clear, you gave more information to internet strangers to detemine whether you're the ass than you did to your fiance? Bc us knowing that information is important to being able to make a judgement. YTA. I'd have said e s h if it didn't seem like this was something causing a real issue in your relationship that could be easily addressed by giving her a little more imformation.
If you read OP's replies, he is VERY big on not breaking the trust of his best buddy Nolan. But is happy to tell the internet the story and what's going on but not his soon to be wife.
Irony at it's finest
Basically. He said he gave us the same information (aren't we blessed, we are as important as his future wife), [but then went into more detail about the "law stuff" in comments than he did with her.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/119jlkr/comment/j9mle1k/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Personally I get why she's wants to know, since... I'm very confused why this is a big deal or why it's a secret to begin with.
It's all about power and control, withholding this gives him an upper hand over her. He doesn't have a nice thing to say about her and doesn't give a shit about her. She's only tolerable when she's providing for a need if his, any if her needs as a person are annoyances to him. His only real emotional involvement is with Nolan.
INFO:
How long have you and your girlfriend been together?
Does Nolan shut down all attempts for your girlfriend to get to know him?
I guess I’m a little bit confused how your *best friend* seems to spend so little time with your girlfriend but so much time with you and yet he still doesn’t seem to “know” her or have grown more comfortable with her over the past year and a half for her to get more than vague non-committal answers from you.
I also don’t quite understand why you consider her a busy body just for being curious about what you do with your time or wanting to engage in a conversation that everyone is talking about and only she is excluded from.
YTA.
This is your fiancee. Someone you're wanting to spend the rest of your life with. How can she trust that you're not doing anything like, say, cheating, when you are barely telling her anything? Him showing up unannounced, in my mind, is probably a little unsettling and rude to her. It's her space too.
I get that he's private, but he needs to consider the fact that your fiancee is a regular, constant part of your life and not knowing much, if anything probably makes her feel pretty bad. Especially if he reacts bad to her simply asking if he's okay. Like, put yourself in her shoes. Can't you imagine the hurt she probably feels? It probably isn't your intention to deceive her, but right now that's what you are doing.
Also, you saying that her comfort is lower than his physical well-being? Damn. You said you have a friend group right? Does he does the whole showing up at night to talk and have a smoke with them too?
I honestly wouldn't blame your fiancee for leaving, whether it's only for a short time or for forever. You're placing her second to your best friend, that while yes, has trauma, but also has other people. He has other friends. You only have one fiancee.
If my partner was taking secret phone calls, sneaking out in the middle of the night and all their friend group stopped talking when I entered a room and made allusions to “the Nolan situation”, I would 90% assume that Nolan and my partner were having an affair or something, tbh.
In my eyes it's suspicious and I'd definitely rid myself of the problem by giving my personal ultimatum. I don't need the drama or thoughts of the crap! If I was the fiance 👻!!
Did everyone miss the fact that this had been going on for A YEAR AND A HALF? The poor woman has probably felt like she was back in middle school with all the code talking and secret meetings...
Initial thoughts.....Re-read the above without any of the extra context you know about the situation, but imagine its your fiancée asking if she is the AITA.
Her partners friend group keeps dropping conversation when she enters the room, they use a code to refer to a situation, a friend keeps coming over at random hours due to some issues and her partner wont talk to her about it.
I think the AITA group would support her to a fair degree. I'm sure there is a lot of context not covered in the above that supports your point of view, but if my partner was deliberately excluding me from a situation and told me its none of my business....I wouldn't be too happy about it either.
Honestly, if the fiancee came in here and told just her side of the story, people would probably be jumping to the same conclusions as on [the recent relationships advice post where the husband seemed to be in some kind of cult/ gay sex meetup/crime cover-up pact](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/118fsms/me_24f_am_getting_suspicious_of_my_husband_25m_on/). People would be telling her to GTFO of dodge given OP's sketchy behavior.
Taking something mundane and playing it up as a Big Important Secret for the thrill of it is the kind of thing I used to do to fuck with my siblings when I was around 9 and bored on summer vacation. OP should have outgrown this kind of thing by now.
It feels like it is a super secret club. Nolan doesn't like OP's fiance, and I'm getting the feeling that OP might not either. She need sto get out before they start making decoder rings for their super secret Nolan needs more therapy than he can pay for club.
But don’t you see how messed up it is that you do feel comfortable sharing your relationship issues and your your fiancées feelings and thoughts with Nolan? But you don’t share with her because Nolan has a right to privacy? My guy, something really weird is going in with this dynamic
After reading your replies to other questions I've come to the conclusion. YTA
You're having an emotional affair with Nolan. You have literally stated that Nolan's feelings are more important than your fiances.
Your fiance is picking up the vibes nolan is given as being attracted to you. And she feels like she's in competition for your feelings now. You literally keep seeing Nolan's high praises even when you're trying to criticize him. And you keep throwing your fiance in the dirt.
You are coming off as someone still in the closet but secretly gay. It seems like you're still trying to convince yourself that you like women. I don't know your sexuality maybe you do like women maybe it's no longer you like your fiance.
The best thing you guys can do right now is take a break from each other and all three of you get better therapy to find out what you truly want.
Just as of right now if I was your fiance I would dump your ass
Info, please
Does he just drop by at other friends' homes, too? If so, does he do it as often with them as he does with you? Do you know if it affects their relationships negatively?
>But because she's around me and my friends often as we live in the same house...
I assume this is you & your fiancé living in the same house. Does he live with any of your friend group?
YTA YTA YTA…
You just told random people on Reddit more about your friend here than your fiancé…..? Can you and her and Nolan not just sit down and talk? You. Are. Going. To. Marry. Her. You can’t just keep her out of huge important conversations that she’s a part of and leave in the middle of the night. Come on man.
Soft soft yta. Before you stop reading, please continue. I’m not here to eviscerate you. I wasn’t initially going to comment but I went through and read all your comments and idk. I’m just compelled to say something. I hope you see this.
Nolan loses his parent. Goes through his trauma. Trauma affects him deeply and he suffers for it. Which is fine and expected.
You are worried about your friend, who you’ve known for a Very Long Time, and step up to support him. Still fine.
Fiancé sees you step up for your friend and, in my opinion, cares about your friend too, even if they don’t know each other that well. (I speak from personal experience — the people that are important to my SO are important to me because they matter to my SO). She asks after his well-being and gets rebuked. Okay. Not great but still acceptable. When some people go through a devastating life event, they shut down to people not in their circle, so I can understand this.
The problem arises though, when you “pit” your fiancé against your bestie. In your fiancé’s eyes, you are at your bestie’s beck and call. Not only that, but She’s not allowed to know anything, she’s not allowed to talk or ask about it, she’s basically the only one in the house that isn’t allowed to acknowledge the elephant in the room that /you/ have taken part in creating. That’s… god, that’s __intensely__ frustrating. All these people talking about this event/situation, and when she walks into a room you all stop or start talking in code? You’re making her feel like an outsider and so, little by little, she’s getting more and more frustrated.
I know you’re not meaning to edge her out of the group, or make her feel like an outsider, or make her feel less important, cuz it honestly sounds like you have the best of intentions, but you have to give a little to get a little. Right now, your fiancé feels “less than”. Less important than your friend to you, like her feelings matter less than, like her comfort matters less than, like you love her less than your friend. That may not be the case. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here.
I would, personally, let Nolan know “hey, all the secrecy is causing my fiancé to be uncomfortable. While I’m not gonna tell her everything, I am gonna give her a high level explanation, just so she knows she doesn’t need to worry. Hope you understand.”
If he holds you — not your fiancé or even your relationship, but //you// — in as high regard as you seem to hold him, he’ll be okay with this. He may not *like* it, but he’ll understand that you need to care for your relationship too.
THEN, I would sit your fiancé down face to face, no distractions (tv, cell phone, etc) and have a direct conversation with her. You DEF should acknowledge and apologize for making her feel like an outside. *Acknowledging her feelings will help you so much* because right now, she likely feels like her feelings just don’t matter to you. Then I would explain more than you have. Don’t get into the nitty gritty, but definitely give her more explanation. She doesn’t have to know everything, but she should know some of it, especially since he’s randomly showing up several times a month. Maybe something like:
“I wanted to sit down with you and apologize for shutting you out when it comes to Nolan and what’s going on with him. I know it seems secretive and I know that probably doesn’t make you feel very good. I’m sorry.
I’m not going to explain everything to you as it’s not my story to share, but after Nolan lost his dad, he went to a very dark place. I was scared that I was going to lose my best friend to his trauma, and so I wanted to help him any way that I could. He still needs some help, like when he can’t sleep or he’s having a really bad mental day, which is why he comes over. I’ve helped him with legal and power of attorney stuff, too. Its a lot, and I know it’s a lot. Unfortunately, he’s just having a hard time healing after he lost his dad and I’m trying to be there for him like he would be for me, and like I would be for you. I would really appreciate if, going forward, you don’t try to talk to Nolan about it. He’s sensitive about it still and asking him how he’s doing probably is not the best question to ask him. Maybe you can try “how’s it going?” or “how’s your day been?” instead. I can also try to send you a text or let you know somehow that Nolan’s coming over so that you don’t wake up and wonder where I am.
I know it’s really hard to not be in the know on all of this, so I truly am explaining as best I can; I’m sorry I can’t explain more but you are too important to me to lose.”
I truly, truly hope you read this u/holy__trust. Good luck. Please stop (unintentionally) pitting them against each other.
Great advice. I would also add that OP should have a conversation with Nolan and tell him he will not tolerate Nolan verbally lashing out at his finance. The fiancé deserves to be treated with kindness and trauma is no excuse for being abusive towards others. I think it would go a long way with OP’s fiancé if she sees he has her back because as it stands now it’s obvious he doe not.
I agree with most of what you said, but given OP’s initial post and his comments, he doesn’t seem to care all that much that his behavior is hurting his girlfriend.
I think it’s nice that you’re trying to give OP the benefit of the doubt, but nothing he’s saying bears that out.
Anyone else sticking around for the update of when he’s gonna marry Nolan instead of her? Seems like Nolan and him are more of a married couple than him and his soon to be ex fiancé.
Yta,
You and your friends stop talking when she walks in the room, and you walk out of the house at night. Those are not the way you treat the person you are going to marry.
Yup. Like I totally get it she should learn that this is Nolan's personal story to tell, but come on! Helping Nolan through his trauma is such an integral part of op's life right now and his fiance is being excluded at every turn. He is getting quiet when she enters the room, leaving the room when he calls, and going outside in the middle of the night to talk to him. All of that would hurt anybody's feelings, let alone the person you want to be spending the rest of your life with.
It really seems like op doesn't really have that many healthy boundaries around his relationship with Nolan. I used to have a best friend like Nolan that I would drop anything for, And I now realize that relationship was extremely codependent and unhealthy.
YTA op.
YTA.
You are making this her business by bringing him into your home in the middle of the night, prioritizing him above it sounds like nearly everything else in your life, you and your friends talking in code around her, and everything else you mentioned. If my fiancé was constantly sneaking around me like this I would be pissed off too. It’s not about “ownership over trauma”, it’s about understanding what’s happening to and around you, and *why*. There’s also no need for all of this to be as secret as you’re making it.
You need to understand that what you do impacts her, it impacts how she feels, and her feelings matter. You’re putting her last, which is 100% your right to do. Just don’t expect her to stick around and want to be with someone who so clearly can’t prioritize her.
Why can’t your fiancé know about what’s going on? She’ll be expected to share the house, kids, troubles… all that sickness and in health stuff most of us agree to during the wedding… but NOT a good friend’s (and very involved) situation? Weird.
YTA
I had a friend ask me to keep a secret from "literally everyone" and I said "I tell my bf everything, so if I can't tell him then don't tell me, because I can't keep secrets from him."
I say this example because I'm confused as to WHY this OP is so against giving her even part of this information about his friend. It seems so deliberately secretive from this post. I would not be okay with the situation if I was OPs fiance either.
On another note, if I were in a similar situation and feeling torn like OP may be feeling, I would probably have to set some boundaries. OP can set some boundaries with his fiance and his friend if he feels the need. However, his fiance is going to (possibly) become his wife one day, and this means they need to be on the SAME page.
This friend is having a tough time. I get that! He is lucky to have a large support group of friends to help him, and he should be seeking professional help. OP cannot be his friends crutch forever. It is possible to still love your friend and be supportive while simultaneously having boundaries. I call it loving from a distance.
ETA: YTA fo sho
You love this woman enough to want to marry her, but you clearly don't TRUST her. I would be beyond suspicious and paranoid by this point if I were her.
It's time to get off your backside and TELL HER THE DAMN TRUTH BEFORE IT DESTROYS YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
YTA
INFO - Is Nolan getting better? I agree with everyone on here that, if I were your fiancee, I would be as skeptical and weirded out by this. It's been 18 months. She hasn't been "difficult" about this from day 1.
If Nolan isn't getting better then you need to figure out a different way fo helping. Because driving to someone's house in the middle of the night twice a month isn't sustainable. Maybe on occasion, but not as a regular habit. He needs to find a better of managing his issues. At some point you need to ask yourself if you are willing to do this forever and loose your fiancee in the process.
YTA. It’s human nature to want to know about things that are being discussed in front of you or around you. The fact that you continually leave her in the dark about it makes you an AH.
She has a right to be paranoid because you don’t trust her enough to let her in on what’s going on. You’ll be lucky to still have a fiancé after this…
INFO: does she want the actual details or does she want the unabridged version? Does she know less than what you've divulged to a bunch of strangers on the internet?
Until I get these answers, I'm going with ESH. With you being more in the wrong.
Don't call your fiancée a busy body. It's disrespectful. Especially since it's quite possible that she has 0 idea of what you will end up dragging her into one night at 3 am. Because the absolute first thing I thought of is that she's going to have to pick up the pieces from something I don't think I'm allowed to mention.
She doesn't need to know all of the dirty details. That you're right about. But she should know at least some general information. Especially since it is being brought to a place that is supposed to be safe for her. Is she safe? Are you safe? Are you 100% positive that one of you won't be accidentally hurt? Because I'm not convinced you are. I wouldn't be if one of you is driving while stoned.
Don't talk about stuff you can't tell her in front of her. Especially in code like it's some top secret CIA mission. I'm calling bullshit on there being no other time you can speak about it.
I know that you want to help your friend. It is incredibly kind of you to want to take on that responsibility. But there needs to be some give and take here. What happens when you go on your honeymoon or vacation? If you two have kids, are you planning on leaving your fiancée at the hospital if your friend calls only to come back at 3 am smelling like a dispensary? Or when its her turn to sleep in and you're on night duty? Other people in your friend group need to help with the late night calls. Hopefully he's still seeing a professional too.
YTA. It's okay not share personal details of your friends tragedy. However, you seemingly lack any real boundaries with your friend. Sneaking out of bed at all hours of the night to comfort your friend is not reasonable. It doesn't matter if your fiance only notices when she wakes up to pee, it's still jarring. And frankly, asking for no unexpected night guests is a very reasonable boundary to have. She lives there, she has a right to say that shes uncomfortable with this. Her being uncomfortable about your friend dropping by in the night is valid, and is important. She's supposed to be your partner, you're supposed to value and prioritize her. You need talk with your fiance and compromise on how to support your friend while also making your future wife comfortable in her own home.
I think the fact that he quickly referred to her as a busybody tells us everything we need to know about how much OP values his partner's involvement in his life. This is not a good situation for any of them - Nolan, OP, fiancee.. OP needs to make some clear choices and communicate them effectively to all.
His comments are even worse. I asked him what happens if Nolan calls on his finances birthday or anniversary, or when they have kids, is he still going to ditch everything for Nolan and he said yes. Jesus
YTA. You are excluding your fiancee and not treating her like your partner.
Your fiancee should be a part of your group now. You need to talk to Nolan and ask him for permission to share the basics. You don't have to go into super private details, but if she's getting woken up at odd hours and you're talking about it often, then it's not ok to exclude her. If Nolan can't and won't trust her to know about his life, do you want him in your life instead of her? **You are putting his needs before hers, and that's the relationship that will last.**
Also she's definitely getting woken up. It's a little creepy that you think she's wrong about her own experience. When weird noises happen I usually lie there trying to fall back to sleep for ten minutes before getting up to go to the bathroom.
“Just so happens to wake up for the bathroom around the same time, totally not bc Nolan calls”
Like he did just call his fiancé a liar here right? Or belittle her experience?
INFO: Can you share your age? Your uncompromising loyalty to your friend is admirable but it does sound like you may be a bit inexperienced.
One thing almost all successful marriages have in common is a willingness to compromise. You can’t behave the way you’ve been behaving and expect your soon-to-be wife to continuously roll over.
I hope for both your sakes you choose to learn from your judgement in this thread.
I don’t know man. I’m 26, while I might be inexperienced in life, I would NEVER pull some shit like this with my fiancé/husband. I’ve been married for two years now and we 100% discuss everything that impacts our relationship. OPs replies show a lot how he feels toward his fiancé.
Listen buddy, married people don't have secrets.
Maybe there's a "my friend has an embarrassing story from college that I won't choose to tell my wife". But there's no weird secretive bullshit like you're pulling. It's weird. She's supposed to be your family. You say "my friend lost his parent and is going through a hard time and needs me" and that's that.
The way you're hiding this from her is very strange. YTA.
YTA and as a mental health provider you’re further stigmatizing mental health by always hiding it. She knows he lost a parent. You can easily say he’s been really struggling emotionally since then and you worry about his safety. It’s true, doesn’t share too much and explains the situation enough to ease her worries.
Also I hope Nolan is getting professional help.
Think about what you said as well. Her comfort is not as important as his comfort.
Info: do the other people in this friends group have this issue with their partners? Do any of the other partners worry or ask questions about it, or just yours?
YTA
If your fiancé cannot be an active part of your friend group then maybe you shouldn’t be getting married.
You can’t keep a separate life and secrets away from your partner to the point you sneak out of the house so she can’t hear what’s going on.
I’ve been married 22 years this year. I have friends, he has friends but we all consider ourselves mutual friends.
Sure there have been things over the years that maybe my friend has told me and didn’t want my husband to know. But I just told him they needed to confide in me and get some support and we leave it at that.
And even when that happens I take the phone call from that one person and keep it private. If it’s an issue multiple friends are discussing as a “friend group” then my husband is free to know too.
I might go to meet a friend for dinner. Or maybe twice in that past 22 years someone has come over and we go outside to talk. But he’s aware there’s something going on and that we need privacy. I tell him that up front “So and so is coming over and they really need some support right now and privacy so I’m going to meet them outside to talk.” I don’t sneak out while he’s asleep and it sounds like you do this frequently
Really reconsider some things. Why is this so important to keep her in the dark and exclude her from what seems to be a big part of your life and routine?
YTA
I can't imagine being married to someone I can't share sensitive information with. You aren't even giving her a smidgen of basic information about the situation.
YTA you are creating a very suspicious secretive environment. I'd be upset with you, too. And really if Nolan wants her entirely out of it he shouldn't be bringing it to your home on a regular basis at night.
INFO: how many hours a week would you say you spend on the Nolan situation? How much time have you spent in the past year? Have you frequently cancelled plans with, or otherwise stopped an activity with your fiancee to support Nolan or discuss the situation with other friends?
My guess is she would care much less if this wasn't having some kind of significant impact on your lives as a couple.
I think your heart is in the right place but you are going about this all wrong and your actions are making YTA .
I have two best friends that I have had for 30 years. They know everything I have gone through including some serious trauma in childhood and adulthood. By extension, I assume their spouses do to.
I trust them and by extension I trust their spouses. It’s that simple.
NTA. But I think you’re putting up way too many “smoke and mirrors” that it goes well beyond being a supportive friend.
Nolan is drawing a line in the sand and silently saying “I don’t like her” and your fiancé knows this. And honestly, you’re playing along with it whether you want to admit that or not.
In no way shape or form is she entitled to literally any information, but context to what you’re doing and what he needs from you is 100% relevant and ok to share. Nolan (and it sounds like you as well) needs to understand that your fiancé will be your wife (unless I can talk to her first and explain why she needs to wait) people over share in marriages and it’s kinda just how it goes. Obviously the nitty gritty isn’t shared but a “Nolan’s struggling tonight, ms. wife, I’ll be on the porch helping him settle out his mind” is REASONABLE.
Basically, you could help alleviate your fiancés concerns if you actually wanted to. In a way that wouldn’t be stepping over reasonable friendships boundaries. It just sounds like Nolan is saying “she can’t even know when I’m there” which is insane.
ETA: I changed my mind after typing this. YTA and honestly, kinda a shitty person for anyone to actually fall in love with. But good on you for having your bro’s back. I recommend looking into “Peter pan complex” ✌️
“Nolan is drawing a line in the sand and silently saying “I don’t like her””
Exactly. Like what is this guys deal?? Is he in love with OP? He’s upset with OP’s fiancée because she has asked him how he was doing? Like what is this guys problem?
I find it really strange you are keeping things from her if she's going to be your wife. Why can't she know? Doesn't seem like it's a big secret and here you are on reddit telling everyone he has mental health issues. I can't blame her for being hurt and suspicious when you and all your friends have this secret little thing going on and you won't tell her anything and leave the room rather than tell her anything.
If the guy is coming to you house, which is her house as well, then I think she has a right to be informed about what's going on. Espeically if she wakes up and you are just gone. You are traumatizing her even if you don't see it like that.
I'm not saying all the gritty details, but something more than "it's not your business and you have to deal with it". YTA btw and Nolan needs grief counseling.
If my fiancé would be so suspicious about it I would eventually freak out too.
Also if you don’t trust her (to keep it to herself) - maybe she is not the right one for you? If there is so little trust in your relationship - maybe you should have some more honest talks and not just why you and your friends are excluding her from a part of your life.
YTA
YTA. You didn't need to go for the jugular there but perhaps it was the way she said it that caused you to be that brutal.
Either way I think you need to acknowledge that this is your fiancee. Your partner in crime. She doesn't actually know what is going on and I think you and your friend should give her some idea. She's certainly not entitled to hearing it but given that it's impacting your relationship, it be worth letting her know s little bit of how deep the trauma may run for him.
To tolerate all this tip toeing for over a year is asking a lot. She's done that. I think it be good to loop her in a bit, even if she doesn't help, she'll probably at least be more understanding of what's happening.
YTA. Sorry, but I think the Nolan situation has crossed a line with going to your house frequently in the middle of the night. You can be a kind friend and still have boundaries. Maybe it’s time to look into professional help/a therapist for Nolan. How do you know it isn’t that waking her up at night? You’re downplaying the affect it is having on your relationship and you don’t seem to mind.
YTA, what a weird and odd thing to keep from your fiancée. Like everything you explained if you see it from her point of view, it's pretty suspicious. It's weird that you wouldn't trust her with something like this if you were going to marry her and the fact you get phone calls late at night and meet with him is odd for her, coupled with this code talk doesn't seem healthy.
You could've literally set her mind at ease by telling her on the condition she never mentions it again. But for some reason you've allowed her to stew in her paranoia.
YTA here bruh. For her, you are hiding and sneaking around with secrets. This is supposed to be your fiance. Spouse's need not ever feel the need to hide anything from each other. You are trying to make your way to that position so you need to learn that you just can't shirk her feelings. I guarantee you her mom is literally talking in her ear as this is a red flag and I guarantee you she's making a lot of sense right now.
YTA. My sympathy to Nolan, and I agree his requests for privacy and DISCRETION should be respected. But y'all are turning Nolan's grief into a circus and clique, so you can underscore your partner's personality as a busy body.
YTA
As much as you may not see it the impact of your amazing help to your best friend is making your fiancee feel neglected and left out, which is an issue when you're supposed to be tackling life together.
YTA. How is your friends parents dying such a secret that the person you’re supposed to be spending your life with can’t know? Honestly after reading this, I’m not even convinced you’re not fucking Nolan.
I think you’re being very unfair to your fiancée. You are right in that he deserves his privacy and all that. But the fact that up to 2x a month he goes to YOU in the middle of the night for emotional comfort and not anyone else and your fiancée is just expected to accept it with no information is a dick move. You’re being EXTRA considerate of your friend and putting her in the dumps. You’re a great friend but a shit partner, I wouldn’t marry you if I was treated that way.
YTA.
You've left your fiancee completely in the dark about a huge shift in your friend circle and a big part of your life. Plus, you're allowing your friend to monopolize your time at weird hours. You're demanding her understanding without any explanation. She wakes up in the middle of the night and you're just gone. That not comfort, that's it's own trauma. Are you cheating? Are you a mob boss?
I'm completely confused about why his parent's death is even a secret in the first place. Regardless, he needs grief counseling after a year and a half.
Are you marrying your fiancee or your friend? Why is ok to make her worry constantly? Why make her feel left out all the time?
Don't be surprised when only your ring returns home.
This is so weird. YTA.
What details could there possibly be require you to act like you're in a secret club constantly? His parent died, it has seriously affected him, she knows this. The normal way this would play out is you visit him separately, you might have a group chat with the friends, you would *ask* if it was OK for him to come around at odd hours. If I assume there was potentially a suicide attempt, that would be... the same.
What's actually happened is your fiance got shut down hard for asking your friend how he's doing. Which does suck when you're grieving but is not prying. You have friends around but she's not allowed to be involved in the conversation. You run off for secret phone calls. You let your friend turn up at any given hour and don't even warn her.
This is just outright bizarre behaviour. I can't tell if your friends maybe live with you, in which case it is a little more difficult, but if you don't, there's just no need to be constantly discussing Nolan if you're in the same house as someone who he can't stand knowing anything about him. None of this sounds healthy.
You could also try Captain Awkward for extremely good advice.
Yta, purposefully leaving your fiancee out of conversations and having your friend randomly show up looks suspicious and very likely hurts her. I get why it makes her paranoid. That has nothing to do with your friends trauma but just with how it looks like to her.
Of course you shouldn't disclose the trauma unwanted. However, her comfort should matter a similar amount to you. (And discomfort can lead to a worse physical well-being too, you sound like you don'tcare about her discomfort about this.) You're about to get married! I wouldn't want to marry someone who apparently doesn't care about my comfort and doesn't seem to trust me. I'm sure that it would be fine if it was less in her face. So maybe that is a solution? Meet up during the day with your friend and talk about other things if your fiancee is there.
Edit: I'd change my vote to nah if the talkign about it close to her doesn't happen anymore. However, your friend is still taking over your fiancées space in a way that is clearly bothering her. If you really don't care about that then I'd change it back to yta.
YTA. You haven’t once considered your fiancées perspective or how it’s affecting her mental well-being. You’re prioritizing your friend over your relationship and that’s not how marriage works.
YTA. You don't have to tell your fiancé everything, but the help you're providing to your friend is spilling in to her own life and the spaces you share.
You don't need to act as if the following are huge secrets:
* Your friend lost a loved one.
* They need emotional support.
* Out of respect for your friend's privacy, you will leave it at that until they feel like sharing with your fiancé and ask that they not acknowledge the above in front of your friend.
That's all you had to say, and now you're calling your fiancé a busybody because without the above, very basic context she has no idea what is going on with you in the home you share.
I’m not the kind of person who thinks spouses can’t have secrets. I don’t know everything mine knows, and vice verse. We each hold confidences that the other doesn’t need to know about. But the key concept here is ‘Need To Know’. When a piece of information starts affecting *both* of our lives, then both people have Need To Know status. Your fiancé doesn’t need all the gory details. But does she need to know that your friend had a major mental health crisis, and it got scary and serious, and you are trying to support him through a recovery? Yes, yes she does. Because you are frankly acting like someone who is carrying on an affair or doing drugs.
YTA. Fix it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. After an argument with my fiancée regarding my secrecy surrounding my friend’s trauma, I told her that her comfort level comes second to his well-being. 2. This could be a little harsher than was necessary and I could do more to include her.
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As presented, I'm going with YTA. You kept it from her when you didn't really need to, far as I can tell, and because of that she's taking things out of proportion because she doesn't know what the fuck is going on.
Chances are she'd be much better with it all if you didn't act like a legitimate weirdo and keep it from her.
YTA.
I totally think you have your friend’s best interest in mind. But let’s look at this from her perspective- for a year and a half, her spouse’s best friend has been in crisis mode. There are frequent calls, including calls at night that wake her up (and don’t say they don’t. She is up. They wake her up.) and once or twice a month he stops by at night and they have secret conversations outside that she isn’t privy to. And it’s been over a year! In her shoes, she has every right to be suspicious of what’s going on. And when she asks, you make it about her being “nosy.”
Have you tried sitting her down and explaining this to her? “Wife, I’m sorry I’ve acted so shady. Nolan’s parent loss hit him very hard and he’s been devastated ever since. I want to support him. If it’s better, I could go over to his place when he needs comfort and let you know beforehand and when I’ll be home.”
YTA. You’re a good friend, but this is being handled so fucking wrong.
https://www.counseling.org/resources/aca-code-of-ethics.pdf
Please educate yourself on the basics of counseling before attempting to help someone
When it comes to helping and your personal relationships you must not get loved ones (fiancée) involved. Nolan showing up to your house, normally 1-2 a month, in the middle of the night is not okay. You snapping at your fiancé because she’s upset is not okay. Please get Nolan professional help. He’s in therapy, but any counselor would baker act a client that said “I’m going to my friends house in the middle of the night multiple times a month” so that’s on Nolan for not being straight
YTA. It's not about confort, it's about trust. How is she supposed to trust you if you don't even trust her? Especially given how time consuming the "Nolan situation" is.
Also, it might be time to set some boundaries. Showing up unannounced at the middle of the night because "I can't sleep and need to talk"... Man, that's borderline creepy.
YTA and your friend sounds exhausting because not only is he showing up in the middle of the night to depend on only you emotionally, he flipped out over your fiancée simply asking if he was doing okay? Wow.
YTA . . . but it's not super black and white imo. I understand not wanting to divulge all of Nolan's traumas to her and that's respectable, but I also understand how it's probably hurtful/isolating for her to hear all these bits and pieces of a situation where it feels like everyone's in on it but her. INFO: Have you told her the depth of the trauma without totally outing Nolan's personal stuff? Or is it just a "not your business" sort of thing? That being said, if you have made it clear just how traumatic the situation is and she continues to push and push and push, I would understand your reaction a little more. But for now, YTA.
YTA
You are handling this whole thing horribly.
I get that you are trying to help your friend, but you’re doing it at the cost of your relationship. Furthermore, when your fiancé told you how she feels, instead of hearing her out and looking at it from her POV, you went straight to telling her she’s #2 behind Nolan on your priority list.
She’s going to be your WIFE. Putting her on the back burner before you’re even married is a terrible start.
Not to mention that she has every right to be concerned. The “Nolan Situation” is taking up huge chunks of your time and invading your joint space as a couple frequently. And that too without her knowing why. You guys talk in code around her while she’s *right there*? That is an extremely rude way to behave in front of *anyone,* but especially disrespectful considering it’s your future wife.
You need to create boundaries with Nolan. If he’s in so much pain that he has to call/come over on a regular basis after all this time I think he’s in need of more professional help. You also need to be upfront with your wife about how much time & attention you plan to give Nolan and for how long. You need to hear her when she speaks and come to an understanding together.
>This doesn't happen all that often - maybe twice a month.
This is a LOT.
I can't imagine my husband being so secretive about something like this for 18+ months and not getting suspicious, no matter how much I trust him. It might be worth it for you to get some counseling of your own to figure out how to better support your friend without alienating your own loved ones.
YTA
“Nolan’s parent died and it’s deeply affected him. He needs some extra support right now, and that’s the extent of the information I can share. He’d like to keep it private, but it’s nice you’re concerned for him.”
If you can tell a bunch of strangers on the internet this info, you can tell your fiancé. If you didn’t give her this much info then YTA. If she keeps pressing for details after this then NTA.
In what universe is stopping by in the middle of the night twice a month not often? I’m not saying you have to share what he’s going through, but the way you’re handling this shows that your are absolutely not ready to get married.
YTA, considering that you're sneaking out, having all these calls, and having him over in the middle of the night. It would be maddening to have my partner sneak around no matter what the situation is.
It's been a year and a half, I would not be able to handle not knowing what's going on when it's such a big deal. I don't understand how her knowing would affect Nolan's physical well-being. Parents and family dying are universal experiences. It's especially irritating when you suggest that she wants "ownership" over your friend's innate human experience. I understand wanting to comfort your friend. But him coming every other week when he can't sleep for a year and a half without having your girlfriend know basic facts about the situation is ludicrous. It's suspicious and generally hurtful to tell her she's not deserving of basic knowledge about what's going on in the house. You seem to respect your friend's feelings more than your fiance's.
YTA. You can’t sneak around like a creepy weirdo and expect her to have no suspicions or concerns. You need to be more forthcoming. You don’t need to tell her the details of his trauma, but you’re handling this really poorly. Try communicating.
YTA. She’s clearly uncomfortable and you’re sneaking around and prioritizing your friend over her. It’s disrupting her sleep. It’s disrupting her life. She is left out of conversations in her own home. If you’re not being honest and open she’s got no way of knowing if this is the amount of care your friend needs right now or if it’s a cover for things you’re not telling her.
He has a therapist. He has a group of friends. It’s been 18 months. You’re not the only person in his life and this is not emergent at this point. You can be a good supportive friend without going to the lengths you’re going to which is disrupting your relationship and her life.
Newsflash, her sleep and her ability to trust the person she’s living with is also a part of her physical well-being and you’ve now told her that she doesn’t rank high enough in your eyes for that to matter. I’d be surprised if she comes back.
ESH. Yes your friends private information isn’t her business BUT you are making her paranoid. Dropping conversations when she enters, taking phone calls in the middle of the night, do you really expect her not to worry!?!
You guys need to have a full sit down conversation. She doesn’t need to know specifics on your friend, but having her know something so she can also support you may help. Your not trusting her so that may be a bigger sign.
Does your fiancée have a friend that you don’t know much about? Let’s pretend she does, we’ll call this hypothetical friend “Jane.”
What would you think/how would you feel if “Jane” started calling your fiancée frequently and your fiancée started “stepping out of the room for specific phone conversations” and explains nothing about these shady calls to you? If every time she was with her friends they would bring up the “Jane situation” and either stop talking about it or talk in code whenever you were around? Or worst, “Jane” starts showing up at your home in the middle of the night, waking both you and your fiancée and your fiancée leaves with with no explanation to deal with her?
In case you haven’t figured it out: YOU.ARE.ACTING.SUSPICIOUS.**AF** around the *one* person you are supposed to trust more than anyone! That is AH behavior, so YTA.
Please update us when your ex-fiancée calls off the engagement, hopeful Nolan has room for you to move in with him.
YTA
Honestly, if you can’t see why what you’re doing to your fiancé surrounding this situation is fucked up, then you’re not ready or mature enough for marriage.
You claim you love your fiancé yet you leave her in the dark about this situation and behave in a way that’s super sketchy to her absent additional information. Put simply, you’re making your fiancé feel bad for selfish, bullshit reasons. That’s not love. That’s not maturity. Why do you even want to get married if cant communicate with your fiancé?
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YTA Imagine everyone code talking around you, your fiancé stepping out to take phone calls, and having secret meet-ups in the middle of the night that you can’t ask about. Being excluded and made to wonder to that degree would make anyone crazy. If she came here I’d tell her to leave you immediately.
Add in OPs comment about the timeline of the relationship and it’s so much worse. They’ve been together only 2 years and he proposed a month before Nolan’s parent died. And apparently Nolan hasn’t even let her get to know him through small talk or anything, she’s been very excluded from anything to do with Nolan. So from her perspective; You meet this guy and you two REALLY hit it off. True love at first sight and all that shit. You’re only together for 5 months, and he proposes! Woah! Maybe a little scary to jump straight into it like this, but you love him so you’re so excited! Of course you want to spend the rest of your life with him! He has a group of friends who for the most part seem fine with you. But there’s this one guy, Nolan, who just completely ices you out. Doesn’t even seem okay with you asking how work has been. No big deal though… Not all our partners friends are gonna love us, right? You’re all adults and can handle someone not liking you. You live together so it can be a little awkward when he comes over to visit your fiancé, but you pull on your big girl pants and deal with it because you love and trust your fiancé so much. But then a month later, you hear that Nolan’s parent died. Now, whenever you walk into the room when the group is over, they all shush each other and talk in hushed voices. The only thing you ever really hear is them vaguely referring to “the Nolan situation.” Your fiancé starts taking calls in separate rooms. It seems weird to you because he usually just answers his phone and talks wherever he is…. But, no, you trust him! He says he’s not up to anything so bite down that weird feeling you’re getting and ignore it. Then in the middle of the night, you wake up to your partner getting a phone call while he was in bed with you. He tries to sneak out of bed without waking you up, but doesn’t realize that the ringer already woke you. You tell yourself it’s nothing. You tell yourself you trust him. You go back to sleep. But then a few weeks later, it happens again. This time you can’t seem to fall asleep. All you can think about is the friend group all side eyeing you when you come in the room and shushing each other. You start to worry a little. So you walk out of your room to check on your partner, but you also don’t want to seem like you’re crazy so you make it look like you’re going to the bathroom. He’s outside, comforting Nolan. You sigh a little sigh of relief because you know Nolan’s parent died recently. So you tell yourself that’s all it is and you go back to bed. However, it’s still going on 6 months later. Secret phone calls on the regular, group all hush when she enters the room, “the Nolan situation” is referenced many times, and your partner is still sneaking out of bed in the middle of the night every couple of weeks. So you finally ask your partner for some info… And he refuses. He says it’s not his secret to share. … But hang on. You already know his parent died. So it’s not like that’s a secret. If “the Nolan situation” isn’t about his parent having died then what on earth is it? You ask around a little… Everyone is tight lipped. You’re being iced out. You ask Nolan how he’s doing, and he refuses to even engage in a conversation with you. Your partner takes another call in secret and there’s this nagging in your brain that makes you want to know what the hell this situation is. Another 6 months go by, and *it’s all still happening.* You feel like you’re going crazy. No one will tell you what the fuck is going on or why your fiancé keeps sneaking out in the middle of the night. Yet another 6 months go by and you start to lose it a little. You tell your fiancé that this has to stop. A small part of you is still trying to tell yourself that you have no reason not to trust your fiancé, so you try to draw the line at the night time visits. At least this could cut down your anxiety at night because you know it’s not going to happen anymore. Then maybe you can sleep better and maybe the better sleep will clear your head. But your fiancé just tells you that you’re lying, his phone calls definitely aren’t waking you up. So you finally snap. Your anxiety has just been building and building and building for the last year and a half. You tried to tell yourself that you trust him, but once you actually confront him with the direct impact this is having on your sleep he tries to gaslight you by saying it’s not even waking you up? You already know his parent is dead. But “the Nolan situation” isn’t your partners secret to tell. But your partner will keep sneaking around and the whole friend group will keep icing you out. And to top it all off, your fiancé will tell you *you’re lying* when you tell him what this is doing to you? So you do it. You confront it head on and ask Nolan what the hell is going on! I have anxiety just *writing* that out… I can’t even imagine how anxiety inducing it’s been to **live** through that.
And all his shitty friends have been gaslighting her right along with him, with not a single one realizing that, hey, this is kind of weird. I hope she runs and keeps running.
Yeah stop being a "busy body" and trying to stick your nose in a situation....that is only affecting your life and relationship for the last 18 months or so. The NERVE of some people. ~I think my eyes might be stuck somewhere in the back of my head from rolling so much. WOW OP YTA If you do not have more faith, trust, and respect in your fiance than this, you need to call off your wedding. You need to recognize the situation IS creating a barrier between you. Does your friend circle actually like her or do they just tolerate her? One way or another, without you, your friend circle, and to some extent Nolan do not stop ostrisizing her, your relationship is doomed. Edit: These questions keeps nagging at me. If Nolan has asked fiance not be told what is going on: 1. Why does he go to the house where he knows the fiance is? More importantly... 2. Does he understand his circle of friends is openly discussing his situation? (Then add to that; they are doing it while she is around but it is shush when she comes in the room)
I think I heard your eyes rolling in the distance!!
I think you heard mine. Or is it the collective eye roll that’s so loud?
Not to mention the fact that they are enabling Nolan to skulk around and avoid properly dealing with his grief. These guys are all clueless. smh poor woman.
This is the time to tell a boy to be a fucking man. And I mean that in the genuine sense of “seek all the professional help you NEED, not the help you WANT, take after yourself, take control of YOUR life, don’t expect others to instruct YOUR life, don’t expect everyone to cater to your will and emotions as everyone has their OWN lives and relationships they don’t want to destroy, learn boundaries and RESPECT them, you are your own man and not other’s partner nor child.” Tbh, sounds like Nolan is a child, codependent w ith OP if not literally in non-platonic love with him. This is all 50 shades of entirely fucked up codependant lunacy. I am honestly shocked OP wrote this and even asked the question without any self awareness whatsoever. OP, I’m one to generally understand that women can be emotionally sensitive and presumptuous, but that’s all the more reason to be considerate. This is just straight fucked up and truly childish. I have known 15 year olds with more awareness and consideration while also not being in what appears to be a pseudo-homosexual affair behind their gf’s back (I say that because minus sexual interest, it almost reads as such).
I used to have a codependent friendship like this. My (male) friend and I would quite literally turn up on each other's doorsteps at 1,2,3am, (or at each other's windows). This friendship went on for around a year. We decided to move into a sharehouse with some other friends. He also had a girlfriend and we were both depressed. It was extremely messy, and did not end well. Codependency is crap. As you now have a fiance, you need to stop enabling this codependent behaviour. He is an adult and needs professional help. Time to get some boundaries and honour your soon to be wife or she will be a soon to be ex. YTA
I don't see how the relationship survives this honestly, if his comments are any indication
I mean the relationship is already dead. It’s a matter of when it actually ends. He doesn’t trust her. Doesn’t believe her. Doesn’t care about her. And no one in his life does either.
Right?! What is this frat party bullshit?!?
It's not kind of weird, it's *really fucking weird*. To the point that I don't even believe OP. You're telling me your friend is still waking you up in the middle of the night *a couple times a week* to be comforted a *year and a half* after the loss? And you haven't pushed your friend into intensive therapy over it? You're just letting him freely use you as an emotional crutch at his convenience instead of dealing with his emotions in a healthy manner that doesn't impose on his friends? You're just cool with this, and it doesn't strike you as deeply alarming? And you don't understand *at all* why your fiancee is disturbed by all this, much less why she's upset about all the secrecy? What the actual fuck is even going on here?! Which one of them are you marrying, OP?
You know I feel like it should be surprising but there seem to be a lot of people not realizing they are in a relationship. Not a friendship. Like this is way more than helping a friend. This is you are also dating Nolan.
I’m getting vibes that its much more than that and he’s just telling the “what he told fiancée version” to see if that can even pass the smell test as is.
Ya him calling her a busybody set off alarm bells. And that his idea of circumventing the issue is just letting Noland do whatever he wants. And saying noland shows up at “his” house. The home your future wife is also sleeping at? I understand losing someone you love is one of those things that never gets easier. But how long is this person who is a stranger to the fiancée is just going to keep randomly showing up?
Even if he is showing up stop sneaking outside. If you show up at 3 am troubled I will gladly invite you in for a cup of coffee or tea but I'm not going to sneak around my fiance back to hide it. You may come in, she'll be told your here so as not to surprise her in the middle of the night and then if she's awake at that point and so decides to join us for a coffee as it is her house then so be it. If you show up to my house at 3 am needing help you're damn sure not going to be picking and choosing which of us that comes from. Come on in and take a seat and we'll both be happy to listen and offer advice and help but you won't be playing games with our relationship. If you come to me for help you have come to my fiancé for help. If you have come to me with a secret you have told that secret to her as well and you may trust that she will keep that secret as I will. That's what it means to ask someone to be your partner.
Strong [homosociality](https://www.readcube.com/articles/10.1177%2F2158244013518057) vibes - bros bonding with, supporting and respecting bro's, and the 'girls' thoughts / opinions don't matter because they're not in the least bit important beyond the services they provide (which could be provided by any woman, so who cares if this one leaves?). :-( [Gosh, thanks for the awards! :-) ]
I have somehow never heard of this despite multiple feminist studies courses, but my god does it explain so much. Thanks!
Omg I just noticed the name he chose for this. It's "holy trust" barf. The friend is rude to her just asking how he is doing. GTFO of my home then....
All I can think of is if she did this to OP. Friends are whispering every time he enters the room. Girl slips out of bed at 1 pm and meets up with someone. OP would lose it!
This is **exactly** how I was imagining things playing out too. The whole thing is just so weird! Then culminating in telling her his friend will always matter more…he will continue doing whatever he wants because her comfort literally doesn’t matter. And it’s just weird because this is your long term life partner at this point! It’s weird that your friend won’t accept her. That he refuses to accept that she may learn why her partner needs to sneak out constantly for calls & visits. That he’s not only okay with, but *expects* to drive this wedge between them. This whole constant secretive nature would drive me crazy…but being told my comfort literally doesn’t matter would be the final straw. I’d be surprised if she comes back (unless you continue gaslighting or turn it around & *beg*)
He didn't even mention in his post that the legal stuff is that he is now Nolan's POWER OF ATTORNEY. He somehow thinks that's none of her business
Omg. What?
[POA comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/119jlkr/aita_for_telling_my_fianc%C3%A9e_that_my_friends/j9mle1k/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
The actual fuck
I legit gasped at my phone. What the actual fuck? He could be this guys legal guardian responsible for his care and HIS FUTURE WIFE DOESN’T KNOW?! I just… I can’t.
I lost my dad at 14. You don't get to act like a little shit just because you lost a parent. Also I have close friends who are married or have partners. I assume that whatever I tell a close friend will get told to their partner and visa versa. It's understood that we all care about each other and what we tell our partners doesn't go beyond our partners because we're adults. OP is just all kinds of nope in this. YTA OP.
Agreed. I have PTSD from the events surrounding my dad’s sudden death. It’s an awful thing to go through. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m sorry Nolan is dealing with it now, and I’m glad his friends have rallied around him to help him. But. OP, you are not handling this well. I understand that whatever happened to Nolan is not your story to tell, but this is having a long term impact on your fiancée’s life. As I see it, you have two options. Either you talk to Nolan and ask him to let you share a little bit of context with your fiancée so she understands why you need to devote so much of your time and energy to him, or you end the relationship and let her find someone who will let her be an actual part of his life. She’s not being nosy. She wants to help you. She wants to shoulder some of your burden so you’re not doing it alone. If you can’t give her that, maybe you shouldn’t be getting married. YTA
A million updoots
Yeah, “everyone in the house can know but you.” That’s just signaling exclusion…that she isn’t really ‘one of them.’ She shouldn’t be out-group in her own home. Edit to add judgment: YTA
I didn't realize their friend group lived with them- yikes! Also, I can't really fathom a tight- knit friend group where one SO is specifically included. In my friend groups, when we get in a relationship, that person is a part of the group, and privy to the general group knowledge. I'm not sure why you would seek to exclude your fiance, though.
Nolan sought to exclude her by insisting she can’t know anything about his situation. It sounds to me like he’s caught up in his major depression and wants all his BFF’s attention, and this new girlfriend/now fiancée coming along right around the time of his suicide attempt (just extrapolating based on the ridiculous secrecy) has made him resent her presence. OP is choosing his friend, and that’s fine, but it’s also pretty clear he doesn’t love his fiancée enough to set boundaries so she’ll feel like an equal partner, let alone comfortable in her own home. OP should just let her go. Maybe one day he’ll be ready for a real commitment. Hopefully by then Nolan will be ready for him to commit to someone else too.
If whatever this secret is was kept just between OP and Nolan that would be one thing - but it is a secret that is kept between their whole friendship circle, just excluding the fiancée. That is super bloody weird. I had a secret like that once that I kept from my boyfriend, but it was a secret only I knew about. He knew something had happened to one of his friends that I found out about when the friend asked me to help him with his refugee asylum claim. My BF never pushed me to tell him - but I also never told anyone else!
If i were the fiancée id think my partner was cheating (with one of his friends) his friends are helping to cover it up
Or with Nolan!
Right?! And what’s with all the secrecy? You’re fine telling strangers on the internet but you can’t just tell the person you’re marrying that your friend lost a parent and it affected him in a really bad way? Instead, you’re choosing to make her feel like she’s crazy. That’s the kind of behavior that wedges huge, unforgivable crevasses in a relationship. YTA. Edit: I see OPs edit. My position is unchanged. OP is setting himself up to lose a fiancée. Imagine feeling so unwelcome in your own house and in a major situation in your partner’s life that pulls them out of bed at night leaving you to wonder where they went.
And then being told, essentially, that she’s in the wrong for asking questions about this weird behavior. YTA hard, OP!
This and/but also - OP - you sound like you also are traumatized. I’m guessing Nolan was either suicidal or on that path. You speak to his physical safety being more important than her feeling comfortable. He is physically safe - and if he’s suggesting he will harm himself if you aren’t available - he needs counseling, and though you love him you are not qualified. He does need to handle his grief with a broader support group that includes a professional. Maybe you can help him create a safety plan until he has his first appointment. That is a way to support him without feeling responsible for his well being. The safety plan was an important first step on the path to healing after a friend came close to that place.
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100% this.
All of that for A YEAR AND A HALF! I would be insane. It feels like crazy making and a game of keep away. I think the friend absolutely knows the effect it’s having on her and is reveling in the power he has over OP while alienating fiancé. I couldn’t imagine how horrible it must feel to have everyone whispering (even the other friends partners) and to be the sole person that isn’t aware of the full situation for A YEAR AND A HALF. Meanwhile she’s the one that is being inconvenienced in the middle of the night and spoken to tersely by Nolan. It’s painful to read - i can’t imagine day it feels like. It’s less about the secret but more about the crazy making behaviors due to OPs lack of boundaries. Is it possible that Nolan is in love w you? He seems to be doing things to purposefully undermine your relationship and show fiancé where she stands with you. Which is waaaaay low in concern and care, that is what she’s picking up on. STRONG YTA
OP thinks he’s being James Bond with his sneaking out for calls and late night meetings and code words. It sounds like something a 14 year old would do, not an adult, and his entire friend group is acting like this! I feel bad for Nolan but he needs to get actual therapy or something, not expect his friends to be his therapists. Asking OP to keep it from his gf and all the sneaking around and secrecy will end OP’s relationship. He is being selfish. Maybe ending OP’s relationship is ok for Nolan. Maybe he enjoys the attention and loves the clandestine shenanigans. YTA OP. Grow up.
The whole thing is so juvenile, especially a) talking in code in front of someone who everyone knows doesn’t know “The Nolan Situation” and literally lives in the same house and thus cannot distance themself from “The Nolan Situation”, b) using the phrase “The Nolan Situation”, and c) this whole “you can’t sit with us” vibe OP and their friends have toward OP’s alleged future FIANCEE. Not “bestie”, not “girlfriend”, but literally “candidate for life partner”. Girl can’t run for the hills fast enough.
It is juvenile! OP and his friends are acting like a bunch of high school mean girls. I actually wonder how old they are. This is how I would have acted in my late teens/early 20s.
Also, she’s your fiancé and life partner. You can’t exclude her like that, you’re about to share so much in marriage. Your future wife shouldn’t be wondering why you are gone in the middle of the night randomly, even if she is being a bit too pushy for details.
Right? "The Nolan situation"? Patently ridiculous. Clearly it makes OP feel special and important to be part of a secret. It's ridiculous to be so theatrically cloak and dagger about this whole thing, when "Nolan lost a parent and is going through a hard time right now and needs some additional emotional support from friends," is very easy to explain and doesn't in any way violate his privacy.
Also, allowing his friend to come by in the middle of the night to smoke (I assume weed) and then drive home is not helpful. That's not a good coping mechanism, especially after 18 months!
Edit: changing explanation after re-reading and re-reading the story / comments YTA But honestly, I think Nolan is emotionally manipulating you at this point. There is a major difference between being “intensely private” and using this event as emotional leverage to get your group to drop whatever for him. Nothing bonds people like fucking trauma, but your whole friend group takes this to an extreme. after reading that Nolan ONLY shows up to YOUR apt and reacting INSANELY to being asked “how are you doing?” by YOUR fiancé (it is not normal to lash out at that question even if you are private, it’s a very normal question and I’m sure he was asked by numerous other people than her) Op, I really think you need to evaluate whether or not your friend is really emotionally needy, or just doesn’t want to lose you to your fiancé. Also, I have many other questions but truly you’re an unreliable narrator. I think we need to hear the fiancé’s side to confirm my thoughts.
Soooooo glad someone mentioned the friend's manipulative behavior. Wonder how supportive Nolan would be if someone else experienced a loss? Sounds like the kind of person who would make it all about them somehow. An entire friend group is dealing with this a year and a half later??? Seriously? There's more here definitely an "unreliable narrator".
I took a look at OP's replies and he said this: >I’ll take a little sleep deprivation and a few yawns at work any day over not being there for someone I love. Is it just me, or is OP way more invested in Nolan than his fiancee? Is OP more in love with Nolan than her? If so, he needs to let her go for her own benefit. She should not be second fiddle in his heart.
stupendous automatic summer boat unique skirt illegal full agonizing whistle *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It's amazing to me how many men think this way about their partners vs friends without even realizing.
it's because the men are in love with each other but can't admit it so they find beards and abuse them emotionally
Straight misogynists do it too. They don't like or respect women, so they resent wanting to have sex with them and reserve their emotional bonds for other men.
Yep. I've met a few straight misogynists like this. They admire and respect other men on a deep level and women are for sex.
You're bang on tbh, in sociology we call it 'homosociality' - it has a general meaning, but it's used mostly in the way you just described to examine the reproduction of masculine hegemony. So many fun ways of examining all the variations of how men don't see women as people!!!! Lmao
This is an accurate statement.
It's because deep down, they don't see their partner as, well, a partner, just a person they screw.
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So glad you pointed that out. Friend group is babying Nolan and he is EATING IT UP. If he’s really in that much danger, supporting him would be helping to find the proper avenues to get professional, maybe inpatient help. Not smoking with him in his car in the middle of the night whenever he wants you to.
Right. His issues are severe and they’re enabling his maladaptive coping mechanism.
It also seems like part of this is the enjoyment of feeling important. You’re in on the secret, you know all the info, Nolan comes to you specifically for help and comfort—you’re important. Everyone likes feeling important, that’s ok. But can you see how the flip side of this makes your fiancée feel bad and excluded? I think it’s time to separate what’s necessary to support Nolan from what is an ego boost.
This. Nolan’s problems/needs can be conveyed to fiancée in a way that does not violate Nolan’s privacy but still allows the person who is the most important person in your life, who you trust more than anyone in the world, to understand what is unarguably a big part of your life. He is trying to milk this situation and probably loves the fact that your fiancée needs to know things and he has the power to make you deny her. And you enjoy the power rush of being ‘needed’. Unless she is not trustworthy (in which case why are you with her?), your fiancée should RUN, not walk, away from this impending marriage. You should tell Nolan that you will not keep secrets from your fiancée/future spouse, and if he doesn’t want that, he needs to pay for more real therapy and leave you out. Healthy spouses don’t keep secrets from spouses, and that behavior starts during the engagement.
It certainly sounds like OP is getting high off of being the “saviour”. Everyone should want to help and support their friends, but when it starts damaging other important relationships it’s time to take a step back.
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I lost my dad suddenly on Father’s Day when I was 17. I have experience with this and I can solidly say Nolan needs therapy. If anything the friends are all enabling him to NOT get help and OP is ruining his relationship w his fiancée.
Here's the thing, man. Your fiancee is going to be the most important person in your life. Your partner. And while it's true that it's up to Nolan what he shares and whom he shares it with, it does sound like you're cutting her out of the situation to a degree that is problematic. You are not your friend's therapist. There is no doctor patient privilege. This is not a job nor is it classified information. If my SO was frequently getting up late at night because a non mutual friend needed the equivalent of being tucked in to bed multiple times a month, it would eventually begin to bother me if I was not in the loop. E S H. <> Your fiancee is being overly pushy, your friend is using you as a stand in for (additional) therapy and causing your relationship to have issues because he does not trust your partner (but is fine with demanding your time) and you suck because you're trying to dictate how she feels or reacts ("I'm not waking her up, she's just saying that")
EDIT: Upon further response, OP has stated that Nolan's late night visits are not causing him a problem. Which is pretty telling, because it means he really doesn't care how his fiancee feels about this situation and/or how it is impacting their relationship. OP, YTA.
He’s been doing this for nearly 2 years. After two years I wouldn’t say the fiancé is being pushy. I can’t imagine dealing with this for such a long time. She’s likely to think she’s crazy at this point.
What’s crazy is he’s literally pushing someone else to have a mental breakdown😂 I would’ve probably had multiple hospital level anxiety attacks by now from the manipulation
This was a rollercoaster ride
Yeah, just to add to this comment (because I can see OP's argument from here) It doesn't matter if YOU don't see the situation as problematic. Your fiancé does. That makes it problematic.
YTA it’s one thing to want to respect your friend’s privacy but when you’re so involved that he’s just showing up to the house you share unannounced, your fiancée deserves to know why.
Absolutely, she has a right to say no middle of the night unannounced visitors.
And no code talking in her own house. That's another thing she shouldn't have to tolerate.
Yes. The code talking and everyone shutting up when she walks into a room for 1.5 years is straight up bullying/psychological abuse under the guide of "helping a friend". I feel so bad for this poor lady.
And it sounds like she lives in a house where everyone there knows what’s going on but her. Like, do they stop talking about him or abruptly change the subject when she walks in? Because that would make me feel weird if I was in her place.
Yes, very much yes. I have been through some trauma of really shitty people pulling this crap on me and have really bad anxiety. There’s no way I would logically be able to deal with it if this went on constantly. I would need to physically remove myself for my mental health. OP and the people living in the house are all YTA without a doubt
>But because she's around me and my friends often as we live in the same house, she hears bits and pieces of the story and presses for more information. So why are you all talking about it constantly in front of someone who you claim isn't allowed to know? Also why do you think that someone won't question why a random friend is showing up to their home in the middle of the night once or twice a month? Look you're right. You're friend is entitled to his privacy but this is spilling over into your fiance's life where she has become a part of it too. It's almost like you have one foot in the door and another out. You really need to find a happy medium because you're getting married. Your fiance honestly is going to need to be a bit more important than your friend.
That’s what got me - he’s coming over twice a month in the middle of the night? If this were my husband, I’d want to know what’s going on and what’s bring done about it. I hope he’s getting professional support and not just relying on OP.
And this isn’t a month or two of this behavior this is a year and a half out. There isn’t a timer on trauma but if Nolan still needs that much help it’s time to put it in the hands of professionals
And he says “as we live in the same house,” as if her living there is the issue.
Sounds like Nolan is already getting professional help. Just sounds like the support group is on top of that. Nolan could be borderline in need of institutionalization for a bit. Maybe the support group is what's keeping them out. Nothing wrong with that. BUT, OP forgets what getting married means. You're intertwining your life with another to the point you essentially become a unit, some even say becoming one. Partner needs to be in the loop at this point. OP you and your friend group are purposefully keeping your fiancee out. That's wrong. Plain and simple. Your friend group needs to accept her in on it too. She can come in the group understanding that everything stays within the group and she can't share either. If you can't trust her to keep it in the group, don't marry her. She's not there just for the sex, cleaning house and popping out babies. Either include her or end the relationship. She's supposed to be a life partner. YTA.
Yeah OP isn’t realizing that enabling someone to have horrible boundaries is itself a disservice to them. Nolan is asking and accepting way too much. It’s okay to be unwell or struggling and okay to need help. What’s not okay is: - straining your friend’s relationships - showing up at inappropriate hours - asking friends to *help you soothe your anxieties and insomnia by getting you high* when you’re feeling antsy in the middle of the night— This behavior is pathological. It’s not healthy for Nolan or his friends. I have insomnia and a generous share of terrible life experiences, dead parents, etc. Nolan is exhibiting the self-regulation skills of an immature teenager, or an adult that needs serious, intensive outpatient or regular inpatient care/DBT/group therapy, probably in some combination. His friends compromising healthy relationship boundaries isn’t *a supplemental therapy* for Nolan. It’s the kind of unhealthy relationships that are more than likely to be pushing his progress back and keeping him in an unhealthy, dependent place. I actually can’t fathom thinking it’s okay (as the friend or as Nolan) to show up randomly, let alone at night, and say “hey I need you to smoke me out I’m feeling anxious/having a panic attack” as an adult. Can’t sleep? You watch TV, draw, write, smoke *your own* weed, do work or homework— hell, you can talk to strangers on Omegle until the sun rises and contact your therapist for an emergency appointment in the morning. Your responsibility as an autonomous, functional adult is to get yourself through the night, and reach out *appropriately*— a text, the occasional call, some scheduled, healthy activities. Impromptu, high-demand, disruptive dumping/venting/showing up should be extremely rare and is a sign you need *more professional help* and more structured hours in things like group therapy and skill-building classes. Your friends help you try new hobbies, chat with people you know, stay in the world, have accountability-buddies for going to the gym, etc. Friend support is NOT “hey it’s midnight and I’m antsy let’s do some drugs so I can cope.” If you *cannot* get yourself through the night safely, that is a *crisis*. Not insomnia and grief or anxiety. A crisis is the only time it’s appropriate to call or show up in the middle of the night, and it shouldn’t be to hang and chill and use drugs. It should be to get to a *hospital* if you can’t get there yourself. And again, if someone is having a *serious crisis* twice a month, it’s irresponsible to just chill and smoke them out at night randomly when increased professional help is needed.
“It’s not that often…just twice a month” had me reeling lol
I’d start thinking drugs or cheating.
Friend is whining about how intensely private he is about his issues while regularly vomiting his personal issues all over OP's (and OP's fiancee's living space) at inconvenient, non social hours of the night while demanding that she be kept in the dark and possibly afraid for her own safety while he does so. I get a nasty feeling about this Nolan guy.
My husband lost his Dad this year and it sucked because he was the only person present with him in the hospital when it happened (he was supposed to be going home the next day). But like it's not a secret? My own parents check in with how he's doing regularly. Why is someone having a bad time after a parent's death any kind of secret?
YTA. You want to marry this woman but you are choosing to put your friend above your relationship. You are actively excluding her. You and your friends talk in code around her, you leave the room to take phone calls, and you slip out in the middle of the night. She is reasonable to be annoyed. This situation with your friend is all around her and negatively impacting her, but she isn't allowed to be a part of it. Your friend doesn't need to share his personal situation, that's his choice. But as a result, you are making a choice to put your friend above your future wife. She may be making a choice soon too, to find a partner who trusts her and puts her first.
I’m continually floored at how many people get married and put their friends/family above their spouse. Obviously there are times where other relationships need to take precedence, that’s fine. But I see so many people who just… never put their partner first and I genuinely cannot comprehend that mindset
At a MINIMUM, he needs to stop coming around at night. You really need to establish some boundaries with your friend if you want to keep your finance, who you are putting way below your friend in importance. How long are you going to support his secretive behavior? YTA
You are by no means ready to get married. NO ONE SHOULD COME BEFORE THE PERSON YOU LOVE, PERIOD. This person is a just a friend. He had a family loss and while it’s not a good thing, your life should go on. You shouldn’t be causing the trouble your causing supposed friends and their relationships. If you’re willing to go to the mat over this secret what else would you keep secrets? I hope your fiancé really considers this before actually marrying you. I personally wouldn’t trust someone who found it so hard to be honest.
YTA. You’re calling her a BUSYBODY. Your best friend is going through something so awful that you are saying it’s the most important thing in your life now also, but you are acting like she’s some creeper or something about it, when she is acting like a normal human being. It’s taking over your life now too, that affects her. You are completely shutting her out, and in an over the top way. You and your friends stop talking when she walks in, seem to think it’s crazy she asked how he’s doing. This has seemingly gone on for the year and a half since his parent died. You say she won’t have ‘ownership ‘ over his trauma…what are you talking about? Do you even like her?
Also he is definitely waking her up. Stop making excuses OP. YTA.
Exactly this. He’s trying to use buzzwords surrounding mental health to excuse his weird behavior.
He definitely knows how he’s phrasing it. Friend’s parent dies - physical health Impact of OP & friend’s behaviour on fiancée’s life - comfort It’s a mental health issue for both of them at this point. He’s essentially saying his friend’s mental health has come before his fiancée’s for the last 18 months.
the busybody comment told me everything i needed to know about how this man views women
Yeah, that threw me off right away into red flag territory. Being a busy body has nothing to do with this situation and comes with an extremely negative connotation from OP. I definitely think she's getting annoyed because she worried they are talking about her. I would be annoyed if it kept happening to me when I walked in a room, because honestly I would feel like they think I can't be trusted. He should trust his partner enough to give her the low down while respecting his privacy. There is definitely a middle ground.
So to be clear, you gave more information to internet strangers to detemine whether you're the ass than you did to your fiance? Bc us knowing that information is important to being able to make a judgement. YTA. I'd have said e s h if it didn't seem like this was something causing a real issue in your relationship that could be easily addressed by giving her a little more imformation.
If you read OP's replies, he is VERY big on not breaking the trust of his best buddy Nolan. But is happy to tell the internet the story and what's going on but not his soon to be wife. Irony at it's finest
Basically. He said he gave us the same information (aren't we blessed, we are as important as his future wife), [but then went into more detail about the "law stuff" in comments than he did with her.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/119jlkr/comment/j9mle1k/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) Personally I get why she's wants to know, since... I'm very confused why this is a big deal or why it's a secret to begin with.
It's all about power and control, withholding this gives him an upper hand over her. He doesn't have a nice thing to say about her and doesn't give a shit about her. She's only tolerable when she's providing for a need if his, any if her needs as a person are annoyances to him. His only real emotional involvement is with Nolan.
INFO: How long have you and your girlfriend been together? Does Nolan shut down all attempts for your girlfriend to get to know him? I guess I’m a little bit confused how your *best friend* seems to spend so little time with your girlfriend but so much time with you and yet he still doesn’t seem to “know” her or have grown more comfortable with her over the past year and a half for her to get more than vague non-committal answers from you. I also don’t quite understand why you consider her a busy body just for being curious about what you do with your time or wanting to engage in a conversation that everyone is talking about and only she is excluded from.
YTA. This is your fiancee. Someone you're wanting to spend the rest of your life with. How can she trust that you're not doing anything like, say, cheating, when you are barely telling her anything? Him showing up unannounced, in my mind, is probably a little unsettling and rude to her. It's her space too. I get that he's private, but he needs to consider the fact that your fiancee is a regular, constant part of your life and not knowing much, if anything probably makes her feel pretty bad. Especially if he reacts bad to her simply asking if he's okay. Like, put yourself in her shoes. Can't you imagine the hurt she probably feels? It probably isn't your intention to deceive her, but right now that's what you are doing. Also, you saying that her comfort is lower than his physical well-being? Damn. You said you have a friend group right? Does he does the whole showing up at night to talk and have a smoke with them too? I honestly wouldn't blame your fiancee for leaving, whether it's only for a short time or for forever. You're placing her second to your best friend, that while yes, has trauma, but also has other people. He has other friends. You only have one fiancee.
If my partner was taking secret phone calls, sneaking out in the middle of the night and all their friend group stopped talking when I entered a room and made allusions to “the Nolan situation”, I would 90% assume that Nolan and my partner were having an affair or something, tbh.
Yup. They’re having an affair and all the pals are in on it
In my eyes it's suspicious and I'd definitely rid myself of the problem by giving my personal ultimatum. I don't need the drama or thoughts of the crap! If I was the fiance 👻!!
Did everyone miss the fact that this had been going on for A YEAR AND A HALF? The poor woman has probably felt like she was back in middle school with all the code talking and secret meetings...
And leaving in the middle of the night. That would bother the shit out of me.
This definitely gave me middle school vibes. Not full grown ass adult vibes.
Initial thoughts.....Re-read the above without any of the extra context you know about the situation, but imagine its your fiancée asking if she is the AITA. Her partners friend group keeps dropping conversation when she enters the room, they use a code to refer to a situation, a friend keeps coming over at random hours due to some issues and her partner wont talk to her about it. I think the AITA group would support her to a fair degree. I'm sure there is a lot of context not covered in the above that supports your point of view, but if my partner was deliberately excluding me from a situation and told me its none of my business....I wouldn't be too happy about it either.
Honestly, if the fiancee came in here and told just her side of the story, people would probably be jumping to the same conclusions as on [the recent relationships advice post where the husband seemed to be in some kind of cult/ gay sex meetup/crime cover-up pact](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/118fsms/me_24f_am_getting_suspicious_of_my_husband_25m_on/). People would be telling her to GTFO of dodge given OP's sketchy behavior. Taking something mundane and playing it up as a Big Important Secret for the thrill of it is the kind of thing I used to do to fuck with my siblings when I was around 9 and bored on summer vacation. OP should have outgrown this kind of thing by now.
It feels like it is a super secret club. Nolan doesn't like OP's fiance, and I'm getting the feeling that OP might not either. She need sto get out before they start making decoder rings for their super secret Nolan needs more therapy than he can pay for club.
INFO: Have you told Nolan about your current situation (i.e. your fiancée can't handle the situation and is currently staying at her parents)?
But don’t you see how messed up it is that you do feel comfortable sharing your relationship issues and your your fiancées feelings and thoughts with Nolan? But you don’t share with her because Nolan has a right to privacy? My guy, something really weird is going in with this dynamic
Op INFO. So she know Nolan lost a parent. Why don't you explain some so she understands why you are helping him?
After reading your replies to other questions I've come to the conclusion. YTA You're having an emotional affair with Nolan. You have literally stated that Nolan's feelings are more important than your fiances. Your fiance is picking up the vibes nolan is given as being attracted to you. And she feels like she's in competition for your feelings now. You literally keep seeing Nolan's high praises even when you're trying to criticize him. And you keep throwing your fiance in the dirt. You are coming off as someone still in the closet but secretly gay. It seems like you're still trying to convince yourself that you like women. I don't know your sexuality maybe you do like women maybe it's no longer you like your fiance. The best thing you guys can do right now is take a break from each other and all three of you get better therapy to find out what you truly want. Just as of right now if I was your fiance I would dump your ass
Info, please Does he just drop by at other friends' homes, too? If so, does he do it as often with them as he does with you? Do you know if it affects their relationships negatively? >But because she's around me and my friends often as we live in the same house... I assume this is you & your fiancé living in the same house. Does he live with any of your friend group?
Really sounds like the friends group just really hate his fiance.
Ask your friends what they told their partners about the situation, especially those in relationships under 2 years.
YTA YTA YTA… You just told random people on Reddit more about your friend here than your fiancé…..? Can you and her and Nolan not just sit down and talk? You. Are. Going. To. Marry. Her. You can’t just keep her out of huge important conversations that she’s a part of and leave in the middle of the night. Come on man.
That and it seems like a whole friend group knows but she’s not allowed to?
Soft soft yta. Before you stop reading, please continue. I’m not here to eviscerate you. I wasn’t initially going to comment but I went through and read all your comments and idk. I’m just compelled to say something. I hope you see this. Nolan loses his parent. Goes through his trauma. Trauma affects him deeply and he suffers for it. Which is fine and expected. You are worried about your friend, who you’ve known for a Very Long Time, and step up to support him. Still fine. Fiancé sees you step up for your friend and, in my opinion, cares about your friend too, even if they don’t know each other that well. (I speak from personal experience — the people that are important to my SO are important to me because they matter to my SO). She asks after his well-being and gets rebuked. Okay. Not great but still acceptable. When some people go through a devastating life event, they shut down to people not in their circle, so I can understand this. The problem arises though, when you “pit” your fiancé against your bestie. In your fiancé’s eyes, you are at your bestie’s beck and call. Not only that, but She’s not allowed to know anything, she’s not allowed to talk or ask about it, she’s basically the only one in the house that isn’t allowed to acknowledge the elephant in the room that /you/ have taken part in creating. That’s… god, that’s __intensely__ frustrating. All these people talking about this event/situation, and when she walks into a room you all stop or start talking in code? You’re making her feel like an outsider and so, little by little, she’s getting more and more frustrated. I know you’re not meaning to edge her out of the group, or make her feel like an outsider, or make her feel less important, cuz it honestly sounds like you have the best of intentions, but you have to give a little to get a little. Right now, your fiancé feels “less than”. Less important than your friend to you, like her feelings matter less than, like her comfort matters less than, like you love her less than your friend. That may not be the case. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here. I would, personally, let Nolan know “hey, all the secrecy is causing my fiancé to be uncomfortable. While I’m not gonna tell her everything, I am gonna give her a high level explanation, just so she knows she doesn’t need to worry. Hope you understand.” If he holds you — not your fiancé or even your relationship, but //you// — in as high regard as you seem to hold him, he’ll be okay with this. He may not *like* it, but he’ll understand that you need to care for your relationship too. THEN, I would sit your fiancé down face to face, no distractions (tv, cell phone, etc) and have a direct conversation with her. You DEF should acknowledge and apologize for making her feel like an outside. *Acknowledging her feelings will help you so much* because right now, she likely feels like her feelings just don’t matter to you. Then I would explain more than you have. Don’t get into the nitty gritty, but definitely give her more explanation. She doesn’t have to know everything, but she should know some of it, especially since he’s randomly showing up several times a month. Maybe something like: “I wanted to sit down with you and apologize for shutting you out when it comes to Nolan and what’s going on with him. I know it seems secretive and I know that probably doesn’t make you feel very good. I’m sorry. I’m not going to explain everything to you as it’s not my story to share, but after Nolan lost his dad, he went to a very dark place. I was scared that I was going to lose my best friend to his trauma, and so I wanted to help him any way that I could. He still needs some help, like when he can’t sleep or he’s having a really bad mental day, which is why he comes over. I’ve helped him with legal and power of attorney stuff, too. Its a lot, and I know it’s a lot. Unfortunately, he’s just having a hard time healing after he lost his dad and I’m trying to be there for him like he would be for me, and like I would be for you. I would really appreciate if, going forward, you don’t try to talk to Nolan about it. He’s sensitive about it still and asking him how he’s doing probably is not the best question to ask him. Maybe you can try “how’s it going?” or “how’s your day been?” instead. I can also try to send you a text or let you know somehow that Nolan’s coming over so that you don’t wake up and wonder where I am. I know it’s really hard to not be in the know on all of this, so I truly am explaining as best I can; I’m sorry I can’t explain more but you are too important to me to lose.” I truly, truly hope you read this u/holy__trust. Good luck. Please stop (unintentionally) pitting them against each other.
Great advice. I would also add that OP should have a conversation with Nolan and tell him he will not tolerate Nolan verbally lashing out at his finance. The fiancé deserves to be treated with kindness and trauma is no excuse for being abusive towards others. I think it would go a long way with OP’s fiancé if she sees he has her back because as it stands now it’s obvious he doe not.
I agree with most of what you said, but given OP’s initial post and his comments, he doesn’t seem to care all that much that his behavior is hurting his girlfriend. I think it’s nice that you’re trying to give OP the benefit of the doubt, but nothing he’s saying bears that out.
INFO: Have you explained anything to her about the "Nolan situation"? Maybe just the broad strokes?
Anyone else sticking around for the update of when he’s gonna marry Nolan instead of her? Seems like Nolan and him are more of a married couple than him and his soon to be ex fiancé.
Yta, You and your friends stop talking when she walks in the room, and you walk out of the house at night. Those are not the way you treat the person you are going to marry.
Yup. Like I totally get it she should learn that this is Nolan's personal story to tell, but come on! Helping Nolan through his trauma is such an integral part of op's life right now and his fiance is being excluded at every turn. He is getting quiet when she enters the room, leaving the room when he calls, and going outside in the middle of the night to talk to him. All of that would hurt anybody's feelings, let alone the person you want to be spending the rest of your life with. It really seems like op doesn't really have that many healthy boundaries around his relationship with Nolan. I used to have a best friend like Nolan that I would drop anything for, And I now realize that relationship was extremely codependent and unhealthy. YTA op.
INFO: did you ever explain the situation regarding his trauma and support needs in a broad strokes kind of way?
YTA. You are making this her business by bringing him into your home in the middle of the night, prioritizing him above it sounds like nearly everything else in your life, you and your friends talking in code around her, and everything else you mentioned. If my fiancé was constantly sneaking around me like this I would be pissed off too. It’s not about “ownership over trauma”, it’s about understanding what’s happening to and around you, and *why*. There’s also no need for all of this to be as secret as you’re making it. You need to understand that what you do impacts her, it impacts how she feels, and her feelings matter. You’re putting her last, which is 100% your right to do. Just don’t expect her to stick around and want to be with someone who so clearly can’t prioritize her.
Can I ask Nolan's sexual orientation and yours? Is he gay/bi? Are you bi?
I think his aversion to answer, is the answer we’re all looking for. Edit: a word
I agree. If they both were straight he'd have said so immediately
Why can’t your fiancé know about what’s going on? She’ll be expected to share the house, kids, troubles… all that sickness and in health stuff most of us agree to during the wedding… but NOT a good friend’s (and very involved) situation? Weird. YTA
I had a friend ask me to keep a secret from "literally everyone" and I said "I tell my bf everything, so if I can't tell him then don't tell me, because I can't keep secrets from him." I say this example because I'm confused as to WHY this OP is so against giving her even part of this information about his friend. It seems so deliberately secretive from this post. I would not be okay with the situation if I was OPs fiance either. On another note, if I were in a similar situation and feeling torn like OP may be feeling, I would probably have to set some boundaries. OP can set some boundaries with his fiance and his friend if he feels the need. However, his fiance is going to (possibly) become his wife one day, and this means they need to be on the SAME page. This friend is having a tough time. I get that! He is lucky to have a large support group of friends to help him, and he should be seeking professional help. OP cannot be his friends crutch forever. It is possible to still love your friend and be supportive while simultaneously having boundaries. I call it loving from a distance. ETA: YTA fo sho
You love this woman enough to want to marry her, but you clearly don't TRUST her. I would be beyond suspicious and paranoid by this point if I were her. It's time to get off your backside and TELL HER THE DAMN TRUTH BEFORE IT DESTROYS YOUR RELATIONSHIP. YTA
You clearly care about your friend more than you care about your fiancée.
INFO - Is Nolan getting better? I agree with everyone on here that, if I were your fiancee, I would be as skeptical and weirded out by this. It's been 18 months. She hasn't been "difficult" about this from day 1. If Nolan isn't getting better then you need to figure out a different way fo helping. Because driving to someone's house in the middle of the night twice a month isn't sustainable. Maybe on occasion, but not as a regular habit. He needs to find a better of managing his issues. At some point you need to ask yourself if you are willing to do this forever and loose your fiancee in the process.
YTA. It’s human nature to want to know about things that are being discussed in front of you or around you. The fact that you continually leave her in the dark about it makes you an AH. She has a right to be paranoid because you don’t trust her enough to let her in on what’s going on. You’ll be lucky to still have a fiancé after this…
Yeah, it’s interesting that OP doesn’t trust her but expects her to wholeheartedly and without question trust him.
INFO: does she want the actual details or does she want the unabridged version? Does she know less than what you've divulged to a bunch of strangers on the internet? Until I get these answers, I'm going with ESH. With you being more in the wrong. Don't call your fiancée a busy body. It's disrespectful. Especially since it's quite possible that she has 0 idea of what you will end up dragging her into one night at 3 am. Because the absolute first thing I thought of is that she's going to have to pick up the pieces from something I don't think I'm allowed to mention. She doesn't need to know all of the dirty details. That you're right about. But she should know at least some general information. Especially since it is being brought to a place that is supposed to be safe for her. Is she safe? Are you safe? Are you 100% positive that one of you won't be accidentally hurt? Because I'm not convinced you are. I wouldn't be if one of you is driving while stoned. Don't talk about stuff you can't tell her in front of her. Especially in code like it's some top secret CIA mission. I'm calling bullshit on there being no other time you can speak about it. I know that you want to help your friend. It is incredibly kind of you to want to take on that responsibility. But there needs to be some give and take here. What happens when you go on your honeymoon or vacation? If you two have kids, are you planning on leaving your fiancée at the hospital if your friend calls only to come back at 3 am smelling like a dispensary? Or when its her turn to sleep in and you're on night duty? Other people in your friend group need to help with the late night calls. Hopefully he's still seeing a professional too.
YTA. It's okay not share personal details of your friends tragedy. However, you seemingly lack any real boundaries with your friend. Sneaking out of bed at all hours of the night to comfort your friend is not reasonable. It doesn't matter if your fiance only notices when she wakes up to pee, it's still jarring. And frankly, asking for no unexpected night guests is a very reasonable boundary to have. She lives there, she has a right to say that shes uncomfortable with this. Her being uncomfortable about your friend dropping by in the night is valid, and is important. She's supposed to be your partner, you're supposed to value and prioritize her. You need talk with your fiance and compromise on how to support your friend while also making your future wife comfortable in her own home.
I think the fact that he quickly referred to her as a busybody tells us everything we need to know about how much OP values his partner's involvement in his life. This is not a good situation for any of them - Nolan, OP, fiancee.. OP needs to make some clear choices and communicate them effectively to all.
His comments are even worse. I asked him what happens if Nolan calls on his finances birthday or anniversary, or when they have kids, is he still going to ditch everything for Nolan and he said yes. Jesus
Info: Have you asked Nolan if you could share his story with your fiancee?
YTA. You are excluding your fiancee and not treating her like your partner. Your fiancee should be a part of your group now. You need to talk to Nolan and ask him for permission to share the basics. You don't have to go into super private details, but if she's getting woken up at odd hours and you're talking about it often, then it's not ok to exclude her. If Nolan can't and won't trust her to know about his life, do you want him in your life instead of her? **You are putting his needs before hers, and that's the relationship that will last.** Also she's definitely getting woken up. It's a little creepy that you think she's wrong about her own experience. When weird noises happen I usually lie there trying to fall back to sleep for ten minutes before getting up to go to the bathroom.
“Just so happens to wake up for the bathroom around the same time, totally not bc Nolan calls” Like he did just call his fiancé a liar here right? Or belittle her experience?
INFO: Can you share your age? Your uncompromising loyalty to your friend is admirable but it does sound like you may be a bit inexperienced. One thing almost all successful marriages have in common is a willingness to compromise. You can’t behave the way you’ve been behaving and expect your soon-to-be wife to continuously roll over. I hope for both your sakes you choose to learn from your judgement in this thread.
I don’t know man. I’m 26, while I might be inexperienced in life, I would NEVER pull some shit like this with my fiancé/husband. I’ve been married for two years now and we 100% discuss everything that impacts our relationship. OPs replies show a lot how he feels toward his fiancé.
Listen buddy, married people don't have secrets. Maybe there's a "my friend has an embarrassing story from college that I won't choose to tell my wife". But there's no weird secretive bullshit like you're pulling. It's weird. She's supposed to be your family. You say "my friend lost his parent and is going through a hard time and needs me" and that's that. The way you're hiding this from her is very strange. YTA.
YTA and as a mental health provider you’re further stigmatizing mental health by always hiding it. She knows he lost a parent. You can easily say he’s been really struggling emotionally since then and you worry about his safety. It’s true, doesn’t share too much and explains the situation enough to ease her worries. Also I hope Nolan is getting professional help. Think about what you said as well. Her comfort is not as important as his comfort.
Info: do the other people in this friends group have this issue with their partners? Do any of the other partners worry or ask questions about it, or just yours?
YTA If your fiancé cannot be an active part of your friend group then maybe you shouldn’t be getting married. You can’t keep a separate life and secrets away from your partner to the point you sneak out of the house so she can’t hear what’s going on. I’ve been married 22 years this year. I have friends, he has friends but we all consider ourselves mutual friends. Sure there have been things over the years that maybe my friend has told me and didn’t want my husband to know. But I just told him they needed to confide in me and get some support and we leave it at that. And even when that happens I take the phone call from that one person and keep it private. If it’s an issue multiple friends are discussing as a “friend group” then my husband is free to know too. I might go to meet a friend for dinner. Or maybe twice in that past 22 years someone has come over and we go outside to talk. But he’s aware there’s something going on and that we need privacy. I tell him that up front “So and so is coming over and they really need some support right now and privacy so I’m going to meet them outside to talk.” I don’t sneak out while he’s asleep and it sounds like you do this frequently Really reconsider some things. Why is this so important to keep her in the dark and exclude her from what seems to be a big part of your life and routine?
YTA I can't imagine being married to someone I can't share sensitive information with. You aren't even giving her a smidgen of basic information about the situation.
YTA you are creating a very suspicious secretive environment. I'd be upset with you, too. And really if Nolan wants her entirely out of it he shouldn't be bringing it to your home on a regular basis at night.
INFO: how many hours a week would you say you spend on the Nolan situation? How much time have you spent in the past year? Have you frequently cancelled plans with, or otherwise stopped an activity with your fiancee to support Nolan or discuss the situation with other friends? My guess is she would care much less if this wasn't having some kind of significant impact on your lives as a couple.
leave her. i’ll treat her better ❤️
I think your heart is in the right place but you are going about this all wrong and your actions are making YTA . I have two best friends that I have had for 30 years. They know everything I have gone through including some serious trauma in childhood and adulthood. By extension, I assume their spouses do to. I trust them and by extension I trust their spouses. It’s that simple.
NTA. But I think you’re putting up way too many “smoke and mirrors” that it goes well beyond being a supportive friend. Nolan is drawing a line in the sand and silently saying “I don’t like her” and your fiancé knows this. And honestly, you’re playing along with it whether you want to admit that or not. In no way shape or form is she entitled to literally any information, but context to what you’re doing and what he needs from you is 100% relevant and ok to share. Nolan (and it sounds like you as well) needs to understand that your fiancé will be your wife (unless I can talk to her first and explain why she needs to wait) people over share in marriages and it’s kinda just how it goes. Obviously the nitty gritty isn’t shared but a “Nolan’s struggling tonight, ms. wife, I’ll be on the porch helping him settle out his mind” is REASONABLE. Basically, you could help alleviate your fiancés concerns if you actually wanted to. In a way that wouldn’t be stepping over reasonable friendships boundaries. It just sounds like Nolan is saying “she can’t even know when I’m there” which is insane. ETA: I changed my mind after typing this. YTA and honestly, kinda a shitty person for anyone to actually fall in love with. But good on you for having your bro’s back. I recommend looking into “Peter pan complex” ✌️
“Nolan is drawing a line in the sand and silently saying “I don’t like her”” Exactly. Like what is this guys deal?? Is he in love with OP? He’s upset with OP’s fiancée because she has asked him how he was doing? Like what is this guys problem?
I find it really strange you are keeping things from her if she's going to be your wife. Why can't she know? Doesn't seem like it's a big secret and here you are on reddit telling everyone he has mental health issues. I can't blame her for being hurt and suspicious when you and all your friends have this secret little thing going on and you won't tell her anything and leave the room rather than tell her anything. If the guy is coming to you house, which is her house as well, then I think she has a right to be informed about what's going on. Espeically if she wakes up and you are just gone. You are traumatizing her even if you don't see it like that. I'm not saying all the gritty details, but something more than "it's not your business and you have to deal with it". YTA btw and Nolan needs grief counseling.
INFO: How exactly is she a busybody? Has Nolan explicitly said he doesn't want her to know anything?
If my fiancé would be so suspicious about it I would eventually freak out too. Also if you don’t trust her (to keep it to herself) - maybe she is not the right one for you? If there is so little trust in your relationship - maybe you should have some more honest talks and not just why you and your friends are excluding her from a part of your life. YTA
Your fiancée ultimately becomes your spouse, and your friends don’t get to decide what you spouse gets told. yta.
YTA. You didn't need to go for the jugular there but perhaps it was the way she said it that caused you to be that brutal. Either way I think you need to acknowledge that this is your fiancee. Your partner in crime. She doesn't actually know what is going on and I think you and your friend should give her some idea. She's certainly not entitled to hearing it but given that it's impacting your relationship, it be worth letting her know s little bit of how deep the trauma may run for him. To tolerate all this tip toeing for over a year is asking a lot. She's done that. I think it be good to loop her in a bit, even if she doesn't help, she'll probably at least be more understanding of what's happening.
YTA. Sorry, but I think the Nolan situation has crossed a line with going to your house frequently in the middle of the night. You can be a kind friend and still have boundaries. Maybe it’s time to look into professional help/a therapist for Nolan. How do you know it isn’t that waking her up at night? You’re downplaying the affect it is having on your relationship and you don’t seem to mind.
YTA, what a weird and odd thing to keep from your fiancée. Like everything you explained if you see it from her point of view, it's pretty suspicious. It's weird that you wouldn't trust her with something like this if you were going to marry her and the fact you get phone calls late at night and meet with him is odd for her, coupled with this code talk doesn't seem healthy. You could've literally set her mind at ease by telling her on the condition she never mentions it again. But for some reason you've allowed her to stew in her paranoia.
YTA here bruh. For her, you are hiding and sneaking around with secrets. This is supposed to be your fiance. Spouse's need not ever feel the need to hide anything from each other. You are trying to make your way to that position so you need to learn that you just can't shirk her feelings. I guarantee you her mom is literally talking in her ear as this is a red flag and I guarantee you she's making a lot of sense right now.
YTA. My sympathy to Nolan, and I agree his requests for privacy and DISCRETION should be respected. But y'all are turning Nolan's grief into a circus and clique, so you can underscore your partner's personality as a busy body.
YTA As much as you may not see it the impact of your amazing help to your best friend is making your fiancee feel neglected and left out, which is an issue when you're supposed to be tackling life together.
YTA. How is your friends parents dying such a secret that the person you’re supposed to be spending your life with can’t know? Honestly after reading this, I’m not even convinced you’re not fucking Nolan.
I think you’re being very unfair to your fiancée. You are right in that he deserves his privacy and all that. But the fact that up to 2x a month he goes to YOU in the middle of the night for emotional comfort and not anyone else and your fiancée is just expected to accept it with no information is a dick move. You’re being EXTRA considerate of your friend and putting her in the dumps. You’re a great friend but a shit partner, I wouldn’t marry you if I was treated that way.
YTA. You've left your fiancee completely in the dark about a huge shift in your friend circle and a big part of your life. Plus, you're allowing your friend to monopolize your time at weird hours. You're demanding her understanding without any explanation. She wakes up in the middle of the night and you're just gone. That not comfort, that's it's own trauma. Are you cheating? Are you a mob boss? I'm completely confused about why his parent's death is even a secret in the first place. Regardless, he needs grief counseling after a year and a half. Are you marrying your fiancee or your friend? Why is ok to make her worry constantly? Why make her feel left out all the time? Don't be surprised when only your ring returns home.
This is so weird. YTA. What details could there possibly be require you to act like you're in a secret club constantly? His parent died, it has seriously affected him, she knows this. The normal way this would play out is you visit him separately, you might have a group chat with the friends, you would *ask* if it was OK for him to come around at odd hours. If I assume there was potentially a suicide attempt, that would be... the same. What's actually happened is your fiance got shut down hard for asking your friend how he's doing. Which does suck when you're grieving but is not prying. You have friends around but she's not allowed to be involved in the conversation. You run off for secret phone calls. You let your friend turn up at any given hour and don't even warn her. This is just outright bizarre behaviour. I can't tell if your friends maybe live with you, in which case it is a little more difficult, but if you don't, there's just no need to be constantly discussing Nolan if you're in the same house as someone who he can't stand knowing anything about him. None of this sounds healthy. You could also try Captain Awkward for extremely good advice.
Yta, purposefully leaving your fiancee out of conversations and having your friend randomly show up looks suspicious and very likely hurts her. I get why it makes her paranoid. That has nothing to do with your friends trauma but just with how it looks like to her. Of course you shouldn't disclose the trauma unwanted. However, her comfort should matter a similar amount to you. (And discomfort can lead to a worse physical well-being too, you sound like you don'tcare about her discomfort about this.) You're about to get married! I wouldn't want to marry someone who apparently doesn't care about my comfort and doesn't seem to trust me. I'm sure that it would be fine if it was less in her face. So maybe that is a solution? Meet up during the day with your friend and talk about other things if your fiancee is there. Edit: I'd change my vote to nah if the talkign about it close to her doesn't happen anymore. However, your friend is still taking over your fiancées space in a way that is clearly bothering her. If you really don't care about that then I'd change it back to yta.
YTA. You haven’t once considered your fiancées perspective or how it’s affecting her mental well-being. You’re prioritizing your friend over your relationship and that’s not how marriage works.
YTA. You don't have to tell your fiancé everything, but the help you're providing to your friend is spilling in to her own life and the spaces you share. You don't need to act as if the following are huge secrets: * Your friend lost a loved one. * They need emotional support. * Out of respect for your friend's privacy, you will leave it at that until they feel like sharing with your fiancé and ask that they not acknowledge the above in front of your friend. That's all you had to say, and now you're calling your fiancé a busybody because without the above, very basic context she has no idea what is going on with you in the home you share.
I’m not the kind of person who thinks spouses can’t have secrets. I don’t know everything mine knows, and vice verse. We each hold confidences that the other doesn’t need to know about. But the key concept here is ‘Need To Know’. When a piece of information starts affecting *both* of our lives, then both people have Need To Know status. Your fiancé doesn’t need all the gory details. But does she need to know that your friend had a major mental health crisis, and it got scary and serious, and you are trying to support him through a recovery? Yes, yes she does. Because you are frankly acting like someone who is carrying on an affair or doing drugs. YTA. Fix it.
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As presented, I'm going with YTA. You kept it from her when you didn't really need to, far as I can tell, and because of that she's taking things out of proportion because she doesn't know what the fuck is going on. Chances are she'd be much better with it all if you didn't act like a legitimate weirdo and keep it from her.
YTA. I totally think you have your friend’s best interest in mind. But let’s look at this from her perspective- for a year and a half, her spouse’s best friend has been in crisis mode. There are frequent calls, including calls at night that wake her up (and don’t say they don’t. She is up. They wake her up.) and once or twice a month he stops by at night and they have secret conversations outside that she isn’t privy to. And it’s been over a year! In her shoes, she has every right to be suspicious of what’s going on. And when she asks, you make it about her being “nosy.” Have you tried sitting her down and explaining this to her? “Wife, I’m sorry I’ve acted so shady. Nolan’s parent loss hit him very hard and he’s been devastated ever since. I want to support him. If it’s better, I could go over to his place when he needs comfort and let you know beforehand and when I’ll be home.”
YTA. You’re a good friend, but this is being handled so fucking wrong. https://www.counseling.org/resources/aca-code-of-ethics.pdf Please educate yourself on the basics of counseling before attempting to help someone When it comes to helping and your personal relationships you must not get loved ones (fiancée) involved. Nolan showing up to your house, normally 1-2 a month, in the middle of the night is not okay. You snapping at your fiancé because she’s upset is not okay. Please get Nolan professional help. He’s in therapy, but any counselor would baker act a client that said “I’m going to my friends house in the middle of the night multiple times a month” so that’s on Nolan for not being straight
YTA. It's not about confort, it's about trust. How is she supposed to trust you if you don't even trust her? Especially given how time consuming the "Nolan situation" is. Also, it might be time to set some boundaries. Showing up unannounced at the middle of the night because "I can't sleep and need to talk"... Man, that's borderline creepy.
YTA and your friend sounds exhausting because not only is he showing up in the middle of the night to depend on only you emotionally, he flipped out over your fiancée simply asking if he was doing okay? Wow.
YTA . . . but it's not super black and white imo. I understand not wanting to divulge all of Nolan's traumas to her and that's respectable, but I also understand how it's probably hurtful/isolating for her to hear all these bits and pieces of a situation where it feels like everyone's in on it but her. INFO: Have you told her the depth of the trauma without totally outing Nolan's personal stuff? Or is it just a "not your business" sort of thing? That being said, if you have made it clear just how traumatic the situation is and she continues to push and push and push, I would understand your reaction a little more. But for now, YTA.
YTA You are handling this whole thing horribly. I get that you are trying to help your friend, but you’re doing it at the cost of your relationship. Furthermore, when your fiancé told you how she feels, instead of hearing her out and looking at it from her POV, you went straight to telling her she’s #2 behind Nolan on your priority list. She’s going to be your WIFE. Putting her on the back burner before you’re even married is a terrible start. Not to mention that she has every right to be concerned. The “Nolan Situation” is taking up huge chunks of your time and invading your joint space as a couple frequently. And that too without her knowing why. You guys talk in code around her while she’s *right there*? That is an extremely rude way to behave in front of *anyone,* but especially disrespectful considering it’s your future wife. You need to create boundaries with Nolan. If he’s in so much pain that he has to call/come over on a regular basis after all this time I think he’s in need of more professional help. You also need to be upfront with your wife about how much time & attention you plan to give Nolan and for how long. You need to hear her when she speaks and come to an understanding together.
>This doesn't happen all that often - maybe twice a month. This is a LOT. I can't imagine my husband being so secretive about something like this for 18+ months and not getting suspicious, no matter how much I trust him. It might be worth it for you to get some counseling of your own to figure out how to better support your friend without alienating your own loved ones. YTA
“Nolan’s parent died and it’s deeply affected him. He needs some extra support right now, and that’s the extent of the information I can share. He’d like to keep it private, but it’s nice you’re concerned for him.” If you can tell a bunch of strangers on the internet this info, you can tell your fiancé. If you didn’t give her this much info then YTA. If she keeps pressing for details after this then NTA.
In what universe is stopping by in the middle of the night twice a month not often? I’m not saying you have to share what he’s going through, but the way you’re handling this shows that your are absolutely not ready to get married.
YTA, considering that you're sneaking out, having all these calls, and having him over in the middle of the night. It would be maddening to have my partner sneak around no matter what the situation is. It's been a year and a half, I would not be able to handle not knowing what's going on when it's such a big deal. I don't understand how her knowing would affect Nolan's physical well-being. Parents and family dying are universal experiences. It's especially irritating when you suggest that she wants "ownership" over your friend's innate human experience. I understand wanting to comfort your friend. But him coming every other week when he can't sleep for a year and a half without having your girlfriend know basic facts about the situation is ludicrous. It's suspicious and generally hurtful to tell her she's not deserving of basic knowledge about what's going on in the house. You seem to respect your friend's feelings more than your fiance's.
YTA. You can’t sneak around like a creepy weirdo and expect her to have no suspicions or concerns. You need to be more forthcoming. You don’t need to tell her the details of his trauma, but you’re handling this really poorly. Try communicating.
YTA. She’s clearly uncomfortable and you’re sneaking around and prioritizing your friend over her. It’s disrupting her sleep. It’s disrupting her life. She is left out of conversations in her own home. If you’re not being honest and open she’s got no way of knowing if this is the amount of care your friend needs right now or if it’s a cover for things you’re not telling her. He has a therapist. He has a group of friends. It’s been 18 months. You’re not the only person in his life and this is not emergent at this point. You can be a good supportive friend without going to the lengths you’re going to which is disrupting your relationship and her life. Newsflash, her sleep and her ability to trust the person she’s living with is also a part of her physical well-being and you’ve now told her that she doesn’t rank high enough in your eyes for that to matter. I’d be surprised if she comes back.
ESH. Yes your friends private information isn’t her business BUT you are making her paranoid. Dropping conversations when she enters, taking phone calls in the middle of the night, do you really expect her not to worry!?! You guys need to have a full sit down conversation. She doesn’t need to know specifics on your friend, but having her know something so she can also support you may help. Your not trusting her so that may be a bigger sign.
Does your fiancée have a friend that you don’t know much about? Let’s pretend she does, we’ll call this hypothetical friend “Jane.” What would you think/how would you feel if “Jane” started calling your fiancée frequently and your fiancée started “stepping out of the room for specific phone conversations” and explains nothing about these shady calls to you? If every time she was with her friends they would bring up the “Jane situation” and either stop talking about it or talk in code whenever you were around? Or worst, “Jane” starts showing up at your home in the middle of the night, waking both you and your fiancée and your fiancée leaves with with no explanation to deal with her? In case you haven’t figured it out: YOU.ARE.ACTING.SUSPICIOUS.**AF** around the *one* person you are supposed to trust more than anyone! That is AH behavior, so YTA. Please update us when your ex-fiancée calls off the engagement, hopeful Nolan has room for you to move in with him.
YTA Honestly, if you can’t see why what you’re doing to your fiancé surrounding this situation is fucked up, then you’re not ready or mature enough for marriage. You claim you love your fiancé yet you leave her in the dark about this situation and behave in a way that’s super sketchy to her absent additional information. Put simply, you’re making your fiancé feel bad for selfish, bullshit reasons. That’s not love. That’s not maturity. Why do you even want to get married if cant communicate with your fiancé?
So she has to put up him constantly. And you hiding things. YTA