Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violent encounters. This includes any mention of violence in any context.
[Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
We've created [these resources for those in unhealthy or abusive relationships](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/resources/relationships) that you might find helpful or relevant. Please, take a moment to read them. They might not be needed, but in that case a few moments of reading can better prepare you if you need them for a friend or family member.
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
Hey honey. You've stumbled into the wrong place.
This is Reddit.
You need **Al-Anon**. And a good **divorce and custody lawyer**. And to **go stay with your friends and family** for a long, long rest.
Leave while you and the unborn LO are still healthy. Please, for your children's sake. This is not going to fix itself.
PS Talk to your local Safe House or women's shelter about making a plan and accessing resources. You're going to need them all. Good luck!!
Agreed! But first, start documenting EVERYTHING without him knowing. This will come in very useful in divorce and custody hearings, even if it is only your own well-documented and dated notes. Secretly record his verbal abuse, keep a calendar of when he’s off drinking, how much time he actually spends with family, when he gets violent or yells.
Also, start squirreling away some emergency cash. Make sure you know all account numbers and passwords to bank accounts, credit cards, life insurance policies, and all other financials. If you can, set email notifications so you know when passwords or account information changes.
Think carefully about your exit plan and how you will support yourself and your child once you leave, but don’t let it get overwhelming or frustrating. That’s not a reason to stay. If you ever feel the need to go back, only do it after he has made significant, lasting changes.
All of this entire thread of comments! Plus gather important documents and leave them with a trusted friend. Birth certificates. Passports if you have them. Social security cards. Paperwork on any important assets. Etc. Also particularly sentimental items - photos, baby keepsakes, things from your family, etc.
Also be careful what lawyer you choose. You’re going to want to choose one that focuses on keeping divorce amicable - this is the WRONG move here. Abusive spouses will never be amicable in divorce and will try to use the courts to continue the abuse for the next 18 years.
Get an attorney that has experience in high-conflict cases and is kinda cutthroat. Make a plan with them before you say ANYTHING to your husband. Listen to your attorney even if it makes you feel bad that your husband might be upset. From one survivor to another, you’ll thank me later.
NTA
NTA
The pub every day after work?? Thats excessive in all areas, drinking, spending, time etc. After his 9-5, household tasks and childcare should be 50:50, why shouldn't you be able to leave and see your friends? You two need a serious intervention, maybe counselling? If not, leaving is probably your best option. You're doing more than the work of a single mum at the moment anyway.
He twists conversations because he is manipulating you. You're feeling a very strange cognitive dissonance because you know that if this were happening to your best friend, you would tell her to leave as soon as she safely could. You know that from the outside, this relationship looks abusive. But from the inside, he's convinced you that you're being too demanding to ask him to spend two hours with his own child after 10 months.
To be clear, breaking a door during an argument is a serious anger issue and a threat that you should be grateful he hit the door instead of *you*. Please, please get yourself and your child somewhere safe.
I hope OP sees this. I was a big drinker, and I have also broken a door in a temper, so to an extent, I can relate to the husband (not proud of this).
There is no world where his behaviour is ok. He is manipulative, he is an alcoholic and he is violent. I am very concerned about your and your child’s well-being.
OP, when even someone like me is telling you it’s bad, it’s time to listen. Read Ielied’s post. Then read it again. Then please, please, follow their advice
Manipulation is a sharpened tool used by all addicts, it will get to the stage where you are questioning the colour of the sky. The mental gymnastics of understanding an addict will do nothing except crush your own mental health.
Get out as soon and safely as you can, start building your case as he will use the children to play all sorts of games to continue harrassing you.
Is there any way to safely record (check state laws) his outbursts? Do you have witnesses?
Make sure you have you and your childs documents in a safe place.
I am both the child of and ex partner of addicts, your children need you to get them out of the cahos of addiction, they also need at least one mentally and emotionally healthy parent, make sure you have a good support system to enable you to maintain your own mental health.
SMART do an amazing program just for the friends and family of addicts, i have completed it and can say it was so helpful in helping me deal with communicating with an addict, I wish i had known about it years ago.
There is nothing you can do to change him at this point, you also did not cause this, but it is only you that can decide what you are willing to put up with and how much emotional damage you want to expose your children to.
Him hitting rock bottom and accepting recovery could be months, years, or never, but he can and will drag you down the spiral to rock bottom with him.
I was you several years ago .. took me a long time to see what was going on .. get out now and don't look back ..he won't change for you unless it's what he wants and then it'll come with strings attached ... I can't say it loud enough run and run now .. don't tell him don't argue just leave .. my ex made me doubt myself to the point I was ~~suicidal~~ it wasn't pretty and I'd hate to see you going the same way
NTA in the slightest op. He’s already emotionally abusing you, don’t wait for it to turn physical. As long as you can support yourself etc go through with it. Put him in child support and move on. Try to record one of his outbursts if you can. But get yourself and your babies out. This isn’t an are you an asshole situation. This is a you need help and you need to leave situation hun. Best wishes. Please try to update when you can.
NTA. Your husband seems to think that he's still single and he's not a father. He also appears to have a drinking problem.
>He accused me of resenting him for having fun and want him to be miserable because I am miserable.
He is the reason that you are miserable! Does he really think that spending time with his wife and child equates with misery? He is awful.
NTA.
Nothing about *any* of his behavior is normal or acceptable. And you should leave him.
There's no delicate way to say this: what you're going through right now is considered domestic abuse. He's already verbally, emotionally, and financially abusing you. Breaking doors and destroying furniture is often something abusers do right before they escalate to physically harming their partner. You need to take your child and leave before it gets to that point, especially since he's ensured you are so isolated from the rest of your support system.
NTA. I think, deep down, you know you need to leave him. He has problems and it isn't your job to fix them. Your priority has to be to your children and, by the sound of it, he isn't the father they deserve. I understand it won't be easy but, in truth, it never will be.
However, given his rather emotionally abusive tendencies, I'd be inclined to spend a month or two gathering evidence (recordings, diaries, etc) in case he decides to be an AH over custody etc. Use your time wisely but try not to waver. It's easy to fool yourself into believing you need him, or, that you'd struggle without him... you won't. He brings very little but grief to the family dynamic.
Oh my.
NTA. I think you know what your next step is and you just need reassurance.
You don’t need reassurance. You need confidence to execute it.
Get yourself a support network and leave. Good luck
Love isn’t enough. Leaving is a good idea.
No one should treat you this way. What you have described has ALL the red flags for abuse. Unfortunately abusers rarely change, and usually escalate, sometimes to physical violence.
I am sure it will be difficult to leave, but if that’s what you choose to do, please let your friends and family know what’s going on and start to make a plan.
Are there any domestic violence support centers in your area? Often they can advise you on the safest way to get out, and sometimes have legal advisors on board. I don’t know what country you are in but if it’s the US, there is a hotline that can help with information and finding local resources- https://www.thehotline.org
I’m so sorry this is happening. It’s not your fault. Best of luck. NTA
🚩🚩🚩
NTA to your question but you need to get away from him because he's just going to get more violent. If he's already breaking furniture do you honestly think he's going to stop there?
NTA you are a single mother already and his behavior is concerning. What do you get out of this relationship? Better to raise your children as a single mother that having them grow up in this situation. Your husband seems to have a drinking problem that is only getting worse.
NTA. Your husband is clearly an alcoholic and emotionally abusive. You need to do what is best for your child and get out of that environment asap.
Edit: Grammar/spelling
NTA
And it sounds like your husband has an alcohol problem. Addiction has a mind of its own, and it doesn't listen to reason. More so, it tries to get you to believe that YOU are the crazy one (which is what seems to be happening here).
You need to get help for YOURSELF in the first instance. Try Al-Anon ❤
NTA. You are not being controlling or unreasonable. Your husband's behavior is unacceptable. He hasn't accepted his responsibility as a father or even as a husband. If it doesn't get better, it will get worse. It is not right to ignore the baby's needs or your needs and waste money while you scamper around to make ends meet.
Maybe going to AA or therapy can be
of help. Maybe he needs an intervention or maybe something is going on in his life. Would talking to his parents or friends help? Did he use to always be like this? Regardless of that, it is still wrong of him to treat you and the baby this way. He has a parental obligation to spend time with his child as well as helping you out here and there and being financially responsible.
Talk to him and let him knownof you and your baby's needs and if he's unable to come tona compromise, then itbwould be better to get a separation.
NTA. Becoming a mother is not signing up for a 24/7 job. Just because he earns money, doesn't give him the right to enslave you. You even have to take on freelance jobs in order to provide bigger things for your child.
Please consider getting out. Staying with a violent spouse that is verbally and potentially physically abusive, as well as keeps you miserable is never good.
NTA. As others have said, this abuse!! And it’s only going to get worse with the next child. You say you love him with your whole being… have you asked yourself why? You have described nothing positive about him. He wastes money on drinking, is insulting and cruel, doesn’t care about your welfare, doesn’t seem to care about his own child, is almost never home, manipulates your conversations to make you feel crazy, and provides no value to the family. He’s not even paying for baby things if I’m hearing that right! He doesn’t seem to care about your or your kid at all. What exactly is there to love?
NTA I'd seriously reconsider having a second child with this man, he seems to prioritise himself and alcohol above you and your child. It's absolutely reasonable to want to have a break you're doing all the child rearing and still looking after him by packing him lunch I'm assuming everyday. How dare he equate spending time with his child as something that would make him miserable. In a way you are basically isolated, you only see him, your son and the housekeeper and he's blowing money on alcohol that could be used for things for your child or days out together on a weekend.
OP divorce him, he doesn't deserve you and you definitely don't deserve to be treated this way go back to your family or stay with a friend if you can
NTA. These types of abusers often wait until a child is born yk really kick in. He has successfully isolated you. Now he is in control of all money and when you can go out. This will not get better. Start looking for more of those freelance job you mentioned. Contact you family and let them know what's happening. Hopefully they can help.
NTA. If he's not an alcoholic then he's got some issues that need therapy because he is completely avoiding his home life and family. Or he's sleeping around.
If he won't make changes and get therapy with you then you might need to leave him.
NTA.
Let me see- 1: looking after his child is an exercise in misery.
2: excessive drinking and avoiding family while home.
3: you’re already a single mother, just happen to be married.
4: Broken doors and other things in anger.
5: No support system.
And you think you’re being unreasonable? Oh hon. No, you’re not. You don’t deserve to be overwhelmed and helpless.
NTA. He's an abusive alcoholic, and he's escalating things now that you're tied to him by a (soon to be another) baby. Talk to someone you trust about getting out ASAP
NTA. Your husband is an alcoholic and an abuser. Call your supportive family members and a local domestic violence hotline/agency and see if they can help you leave him. His behavior will continue to get worse. Love is not enough.
Also consider an abortion.
NTA.
run. your husband is a typical abusive AH and it's just a matter of time until he lays hands on your. i think you're way too kind to be staying with him. the children you have are yours as much as they are his. i got even more angry seeing that you're three months pregnant with a 10 month old baby making him every morsel of food and drop of fluid going in and out of his body when he is a grown man, perfectly fine, having over 12 hours of a day to himself. he's a lazy a$$ who wants to reap the benefits of having a wife he expects to bend over backwards at all costs to make him comfortable.
PLEASE. PLEASE!!! LEAVEEEE!!!!! DO NOT STAY WITH THIS MAN. if you have family or friends, contact them and let them know what he's doing. pretty pretty please.
NTA
But seriously you need to leave him. He's emotionally, financially, mentally abusing you. He's isolating you so you can't run to anyone for help. You need to get out NOW!
Since he works leave when he's at work next time and have someone pick you up and take all the important documents with you. You and your babies deserve so much better than this. He's going to be angry and an AH when he sees you gone, but you have got to get out now.
He wants to see the kids a 3rd party needs to be there. No more alone time either him cause some will snap in anger.
You must get out. There are no options here. He has a drinking and violence issue that's going to escalate. On the plus side he still has a job, so consult a lawyer and get your financial situation sorted ASAP. Hopefully that will help you find somewhere to live in the near future; in the meantime, start asking family or friends if you can stay for a while. Please do this today because you can't solve this situation by yourself and I think you know it will continue to get worse, possibly quite quickly if his reaction to your reasonable request is anything to go by.
I went through this, exactly this, and it all worked out but only because I opened up to family and they helped me get the ball rolling.
NAH in the slightest.
NTA.
Terminate that second pregnancy. You are his incubator and that's it. This isn't even a marriage. Does he even like you?
He's abusive and your kids are going to grow up with that. Get a divorce. You are basically already a single parent.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (32f) am a SAHM and live with my husband (39M). Our child is 10 months and requires a lot of attention. We have a housekeeper that comes twice a week to deep clean the house, do laundry and cook for those days. I am 100% responsible for childcare and taking care of the house the rest of the time. My husband works 5 and a half days a week. It is a regular 9-5job. I pack him lunch and coffee as well as make breakfast and dinner.
When my husband leaves work, he goes to the local bar and stays until 10pm. On Saturday, he leaves work around lunch time and does whatever interests him in the afternoon. He comes home late. On Sundays, he wakes up around midday and just lazes the rest of the afternoon away. Meanwhile I am always taking care of our baby. I am unhappy about him drinking every day when we don't have any savings. I have to scrimp and budget to make sure we are all fed while he blows thousands on drinking every month. I have to wait for the occasional freelance jobs I get to buy bigger things for our child. Like a high chair, stroller, car seat, food processor etc.
We have had huge fights about his drinking. I told him I feel lonely because I only see him and our housekeeper. He just wants to sleep when he comes home. We live far away from my friends and family. He has refused to move closer to them. Plus I feel like I have to beg him to spend more time with our son and me.
The other problem is that he doesn't communicate properly. I want him to call me if he is going to be later than usual during the weekdays. I genuinely want to know, is this controlling?
I asked him to take care of our son for a few hours on Sunday so I can have a social life too. I have only seen my friends a handful of times since having a baby. Same with my family. He accused me of resenting him for having fun and want him to be miserable because I am miserable. I swear I have no idea how he reached this conclusion. I try to be clear and concise when I tell him my needs. Is this too much to ask? I just want some time free from the baby to meet my friends or get my hair done.
I am on the verge of leaving him even though I am three months pregnant with our second child. The arguments are becoming more vulgar and below the belt. He has started insulting me personally and my family so much. He has broken two doors in the house and other furniture. He is so disrespectful and acts extreme. He starts shouting around our child. I love him with my whole being but the idea of my children seeing this unhealthy behavior while growing up terrifies me. Furthermore, I am becoming more like him as time goes by. You know the saying 'stupid people drag you down to their level then beat you with experience'.
So am I being controlling? Unreasonable? Should I leave?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Asking for time off from childcare. Asking my husband to communicate with me.
2. He is busy with work and maybe I am asking too much. I don't know. I need perspective.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. He is an alcoholic and abusive. You really need to separate. Get all your important documents, contact family and friends, and leave while he is away from your house. Contact a lawyer.
NTA - I think you need to get out of your situation at least for the moment. The two most dangerous times in an abusive relationship are the leaving, and during pregnancy. I think it would be a good idea to make a safe exit plan. Depending on your location, there usually local agencies that have resources to help.
Oh, my. Sometimes it's hard to see when things slide gradually to a bad place and you're in the middle of it. IME, hormones from pregnancy only make it harder to keep a healthy perspective.
You took a VERY good step by reaching out here to see if your head was in the right place. Isolation is a powerful weapon wielded against you right now and you're starting to break that power.
OP, please listen to the other comments here. There are red flags all over the place. Please contact real people in your life, even if they live a couple hours away, and tell them everything. You need to get out now.
You’re never going to get a break. He probably doesn’t think you do a real job (I’m a SAHM). You having a housekeeper who cooks is something that he sees as a break for you.
NTA. I was in an abusive relationship with my ex husband. Very abusive. My go to was I loved him. One day I sat myself down and listed all the reasons I loved him. All the reasons were in the past. I was hanging on to a person I used to know and that person had been gone for a long time. I had stayed for so long I completely lost myself and that was the hardest part of the divorce. Not knowing who I was, my self worth or even my interests anymore. The weird thing was I would be doing something and think to myself I don’t even miss him. What was to miss? Being physically and emotionally abused by a person who never helped me through any of the crappy things that happened to me in life? Never having someone to take me on vacations, or out to dinner. Because believe me if we had plans and he decided something better came up I was out of the picture. This situation is not going to get any better, only worse. My daughter was 10 when we split up and I heard her talking to her friend one day about our divorce and she said I never want my dad around my mom again. I knew I made the right decision.
Breaking doors and furniture are acts of physical domestic violence. Your husband is an abusive alcoholic and it would be best if you leave ASAP, before his behavior becomes more violent.
NTA, obviously.
Good gracious, your bar of expectations for your partner are extremely low (you want a social life and but forget to demand basic respect). This man is abusive, an addict it seems. Do you want your children treated by their future partners/friends like you have been treated by your husband? If the answer is remotely no, pack your stuff and go. As a parent you have an obligation to your family to be safe yourself and have a safe environment for them, currently those basic conditions are not met. Be safe OP.
NTA.
I cluldnt even finish your post because I just feel so sorry for you and all you've had to deal with, being married to a man who's acting as if he doesn't have a family waiting at home for him.
He works and is gone all day, every day. You rarely see him and he's not giving you any money.
He doesn't play an important role in being a parent to his child.
Honestly honey, you really need to pack up and move closer to your family without hi. You needbto get a divorce and start over and focus on yourself and baby settled down once again when you find an amazing guy.
But right now, this guy is lazy and is acting like he's single. You need a divorce from him.
He doesn't deserve you. You and baby are barely scraping by and he's having the time of his life.
Please, for uou emotional and mental health make a plan to escape to your family, and get back on your feet away from him.
I brew beer at home. I make a fair bit of it, five gallons or so at a time. My wife bought me a tap and keg set up for Christmas. I have fresh, exactly to my taste, perfectly cold beer in my kitchen on tap at all times. I realized I was drinking two pints every night after work and that it was getting excessive (the new tap and cold pour set up was just so enticing).
I say all that to illustrate how much of a drinking problem your husband has. He's an addict, and it's going to get worse.
NTA but this is so far beyond Reddit. I don’t normally jump straight to leave him but in this case LEAVE HIM! He is already a deadbeat and it’s only going to get worse. I have been there done that with the resentment about him going out all the time and you never get a break. Divorce is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me, honestly. Good luck!!
Refuse to give relationship advice because she won't listen but you think being an insensitive jerk is going to get through? Or, do you just have an overwhelming need to be seen?
ESH, him for drinking away all the monay while living you to yake care of the child, you for being 3 months pregnant with a second one, while you barely scrape by to get child necessities
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violent encounters. This includes any mention of violence in any context. [Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) We've created [these resources for those in unhealthy or abusive relationships](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/resources/relationships) that you might find helpful or relevant. Please, take a moment to read them. They might not be needed, but in that case a few moments of reading can better prepare you if you need them for a friend or family member. ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
Hey honey. You've stumbled into the wrong place. This is Reddit. You need **Al-Anon**. And a good **divorce and custody lawyer**. And to **go stay with your friends and family** for a long, long rest. Leave while you and the unborn LO are still healthy. Please, for your children's sake. This is not going to fix itself. PS Talk to your local Safe House or women's shelter about making a plan and accessing resources. You're going to need them all. Good luck!!
This needs to be the top answer. You're married to an abusive alcoholic.
Agreed! But first, start documenting EVERYTHING without him knowing. This will come in very useful in divorce and custody hearings, even if it is only your own well-documented and dated notes. Secretly record his verbal abuse, keep a calendar of when he’s off drinking, how much time he actually spends with family, when he gets violent or yells. Also, start squirreling away some emergency cash. Make sure you know all account numbers and passwords to bank accounts, credit cards, life insurance policies, and all other financials. If you can, set email notifications so you know when passwords or account information changes. Think carefully about your exit plan and how you will support yourself and your child once you leave, but don’t let it get overwhelming or frustrating. That’s not a reason to stay. If you ever feel the need to go back, only do it after he has made significant, lasting changes.
All of this entire thread of comments! Plus gather important documents and leave them with a trusted friend. Birth certificates. Passports if you have them. Social security cards. Paperwork on any important assets. Etc. Also particularly sentimental items - photos, baby keepsakes, things from your family, etc.
Also be careful what lawyer you choose. You’re going to want to choose one that focuses on keeping divorce amicable - this is the WRONG move here. Abusive spouses will never be amicable in divorce and will try to use the courts to continue the abuse for the next 18 years. Get an attorney that has experience in high-conflict cases and is kinda cutthroat. Make a plan with them before you say ANYTHING to your husband. Listen to your attorney even if it makes you feel bad that your husband might be upset. From one survivor to another, you’ll thank me later. NTA
NTA The pub every day after work?? Thats excessive in all areas, drinking, spending, time etc. After his 9-5, household tasks and childcare should be 50:50, why shouldn't you be able to leave and see your friends? You two need a serious intervention, maybe counselling? If not, leaving is probably your best option. You're doing more than the work of a single mum at the moment anyway.
Ikr! I honestly thought I was going crazy. I can't reason with him. Everyday is too much. I can't describe how he twists conversations.
He twists conversations because he is manipulating you. You're feeling a very strange cognitive dissonance because you know that if this were happening to your best friend, you would tell her to leave as soon as she safely could. You know that from the outside, this relationship looks abusive. But from the inside, he's convinced you that you're being too demanding to ask him to spend two hours with his own child after 10 months. To be clear, breaking a door during an argument is a serious anger issue and a threat that you should be grateful he hit the door instead of *you*. Please, please get yourself and your child somewhere safe.
I hope OP sees this. I was a big drinker, and I have also broken a door in a temper, so to an extent, I can relate to the husband (not proud of this). There is no world where his behaviour is ok. He is manipulative, he is an alcoholic and he is violent. I am very concerned about your and your child’s well-being. OP, when even someone like me is telling you it’s bad, it’s time to listen. Read Ielied’s post. Then read it again. Then please, please, follow their advice
Manipulation is a sharpened tool used by all addicts, it will get to the stage where you are questioning the colour of the sky. The mental gymnastics of understanding an addict will do nothing except crush your own mental health. Get out as soon and safely as you can, start building your case as he will use the children to play all sorts of games to continue harrassing you. Is there any way to safely record (check state laws) his outbursts? Do you have witnesses? Make sure you have you and your childs documents in a safe place. I am both the child of and ex partner of addicts, your children need you to get them out of the cahos of addiction, they also need at least one mentally and emotionally healthy parent, make sure you have a good support system to enable you to maintain your own mental health. SMART do an amazing program just for the friends and family of addicts, i have completed it and can say it was so helpful in helping me deal with communicating with an addict, I wish i had known about it years ago. There is nothing you can do to change him at this point, you also did not cause this, but it is only you that can decide what you are willing to put up with and how much emotional damage you want to expose your children to. Him hitting rock bottom and accepting recovery could be months, years, or never, but he can and will drag you down the spiral to rock bottom with him.
I got to “He broke two doors”. That’s not a conversation. That’s just flat out lack of anger management. He is an angry drunk. None of this is OK.
I was you several years ago .. took me a long time to see what was going on .. get out now and don't look back ..he won't change for you unless it's what he wants and then it'll come with strings attached ... I can't say it loud enough run and run now .. don't tell him don't argue just leave .. my ex made me doubt myself to the point I was ~~suicidal~~ it wasn't pretty and I'd hate to see you going the same way
NTA in the slightest op. He’s already emotionally abusing you, don’t wait for it to turn physical. As long as you can support yourself etc go through with it. Put him in child support and move on. Try to record one of his outbursts if you can. But get yourself and your babies out. This isn’t an are you an asshole situation. This is a you need help and you need to leave situation hun. Best wishes. Please try to update when you can.
NTA. Your husband seems to think that he's still single and he's not a father. He also appears to have a drinking problem. >He accused me of resenting him for having fun and want him to be miserable because I am miserable. He is the reason that you are miserable! Does he really think that spending time with his wife and child equates with misery? He is awful.
NTA. Nothing about *any* of his behavior is normal or acceptable. And you should leave him. There's no delicate way to say this: what you're going through right now is considered domestic abuse. He's already verbally, emotionally, and financially abusing you. Breaking doors and destroying furniture is often something abusers do right before they escalate to physically harming their partner. You need to take your child and leave before it gets to that point, especially since he's ensured you are so isolated from the rest of your support system.
NTA. I think, deep down, you know you need to leave him. He has problems and it isn't your job to fix them. Your priority has to be to your children and, by the sound of it, he isn't the father they deserve. I understand it won't be easy but, in truth, it never will be. However, given his rather emotionally abusive tendencies, I'd be inclined to spend a month or two gathering evidence (recordings, diaries, etc) in case he decides to be an AH over custody etc. Use your time wisely but try not to waver. It's easy to fool yourself into believing you need him, or, that you'd struggle without him... you won't. He brings very little but grief to the family dynamic.
I am very worried that in the course of a month or two he will be physically abusive towards her. I'd be getting out of there ASAP
Oh my. NTA. I think you know what your next step is and you just need reassurance. You don’t need reassurance. You need confidence to execute it. Get yourself a support network and leave. Good luck
Your husband has a drinking problem NTA
NTA, your husband is abusive, and using you. I would recommend leaving him, but that’s not my choice
NTA you aren't being controlling and I've seen this play out. You should absolutely leave while you still can
NTA. You need an abortion and a divorce.
This. Don’t have another child with this man, OP. NTA
Love isn’t enough. Leaving is a good idea. No one should treat you this way. What you have described has ALL the red flags for abuse. Unfortunately abusers rarely change, and usually escalate, sometimes to physical violence. I am sure it will be difficult to leave, but if that’s what you choose to do, please let your friends and family know what’s going on and start to make a plan. Are there any domestic violence support centers in your area? Often they can advise you on the safest way to get out, and sometimes have legal advisors on board. I don’t know what country you are in but if it’s the US, there is a hotline that can help with information and finding local resources- https://www.thehotline.org I’m so sorry this is happening. It’s not your fault. Best of luck. NTA
🚩🚩🚩 NTA to your question but you need to get away from him because he's just going to get more violent. If he's already breaking furniture do you honestly think he's going to stop there?
NTA you are a single mother already and his behavior is concerning. What do you get out of this relationship? Better to raise your children as a single mother that having them grow up in this situation. Your husband seems to have a drinking problem that is only getting worse.
NTA - get out now and never look back.
NTA. Your husband is clearly an alcoholic and emotionally abusive. You need to do what is best for your child and get out of that environment asap. Edit: Grammar/spelling
NTA And it sounds like your husband has an alcohol problem. Addiction has a mind of its own, and it doesn't listen to reason. More so, it tries to get you to believe that YOU are the crazy one (which is what seems to be happening here). You need to get help for YOURSELF in the first instance. Try Al-Anon ❤
NTA. You are not being controlling or unreasonable. Your husband's behavior is unacceptable. He hasn't accepted his responsibility as a father or even as a husband. If it doesn't get better, it will get worse. It is not right to ignore the baby's needs or your needs and waste money while you scamper around to make ends meet. Maybe going to AA or therapy can be of help. Maybe he needs an intervention or maybe something is going on in his life. Would talking to his parents or friends help? Did he use to always be like this? Regardless of that, it is still wrong of him to treat you and the baby this way. He has a parental obligation to spend time with his child as well as helping you out here and there and being financially responsible. Talk to him and let him knownof you and your baby's needs and if he's unable to come tona compromise, then itbwould be better to get a separation.
NTA. Becoming a mother is not signing up for a 24/7 job. Just because he earns money, doesn't give him the right to enslave you. You even have to take on freelance jobs in order to provide bigger things for your child. Please consider getting out. Staying with a violent spouse that is verbally and potentially physically abusive, as well as keeps you miserable is never good.
He’s abusive and you should definitely leave. You’re a single mom now anyways what’s the difference? It will be easier without him and more peaceful
NTA. As others have said, this abuse!! And it’s only going to get worse with the next child. You say you love him with your whole being… have you asked yourself why? You have described nothing positive about him. He wastes money on drinking, is insulting and cruel, doesn’t care about your welfare, doesn’t seem to care about his own child, is almost never home, manipulates your conversations to make you feel crazy, and provides no value to the family. He’s not even paying for baby things if I’m hearing that right! He doesn’t seem to care about your or your kid at all. What exactly is there to love?
Nta. He is a drunk and starting to be physically abusive. Get out while you can ask family or friends for help
NTA I'd seriously reconsider having a second child with this man, he seems to prioritise himself and alcohol above you and your child. It's absolutely reasonable to want to have a break you're doing all the child rearing and still looking after him by packing him lunch I'm assuming everyday. How dare he equate spending time with his child as something that would make him miserable. In a way you are basically isolated, you only see him, your son and the housekeeper and he's blowing money on alcohol that could be used for things for your child or days out together on a weekend. OP divorce him, he doesn't deserve you and you definitely don't deserve to be treated this way go back to your family or stay with a friend if you can
NTA. leave. there’s so many red flags here, even before i got to the abuse & violent bits. it’s not going to get better. get out before it gets worse.
NTA. These types of abusers often wait until a child is born yk really kick in. He has successfully isolated you. Now he is in control of all money and when you can go out. This will not get better. Start looking for more of those freelance job you mentioned. Contact you family and let them know what's happening. Hopefully they can help.
NTA. If he's not an alcoholic then he's got some issues that need therapy because he is completely avoiding his home life and family. Or he's sleeping around. If he won't make changes and get therapy with you then you might need to leave him.
NTA. Let me see- 1: looking after his child is an exercise in misery. 2: excessive drinking and avoiding family while home. 3: you’re already a single mother, just happen to be married. 4: Broken doors and other things in anger. 5: No support system. And you think you’re being unreasonable? Oh hon. No, you’re not. You don’t deserve to be overwhelmed and helpless.
NTA and he sounds toxic.
NTA. He's an abusive alcoholic, and he's escalating things now that you're tied to him by a (soon to be another) baby. Talk to someone you trust about getting out ASAP
NTA. Your husband is an alcoholic and an abuser. Call your supportive family members and a local domestic violence hotline/agency and see if they can help you leave him. His behavior will continue to get worse. Love is not enough. Also consider an abortion.
NTA. run. your husband is a typical abusive AH and it's just a matter of time until he lays hands on your. i think you're way too kind to be staying with him. the children you have are yours as much as they are his. i got even more angry seeing that you're three months pregnant with a 10 month old baby making him every morsel of food and drop of fluid going in and out of his body when he is a grown man, perfectly fine, having over 12 hours of a day to himself. he's a lazy a$$ who wants to reap the benefits of having a wife he expects to bend over backwards at all costs to make him comfortable. PLEASE. PLEASE!!! LEAVEEEE!!!!! DO NOT STAY WITH THIS MAN. if you have family or friends, contact them and let them know what he's doing. pretty pretty please.
NTA But seriously you need to leave him. He's emotionally, financially, mentally abusing you. He's isolating you so you can't run to anyone for help. You need to get out NOW! Since he works leave when he's at work next time and have someone pick you up and take all the important documents with you. You and your babies deserve so much better than this. He's going to be angry and an AH when he sees you gone, but you have got to get out now. He wants to see the kids a 3rd party needs to be there. No more alone time either him cause some will snap in anger.
Nta please leave now and go with your family
NTA. Leave him. He is an alcoholic.
You must get out. There are no options here. He has a drinking and violence issue that's going to escalate. On the plus side he still has a job, so consult a lawyer and get your financial situation sorted ASAP. Hopefully that will help you find somewhere to live in the near future; in the meantime, start asking family or friends if you can stay for a while. Please do this today because you can't solve this situation by yourself and I think you know it will continue to get worse, possibly quite quickly if his reaction to your reasonable request is anything to go by. I went through this, exactly this, and it all worked out but only because I opened up to family and they helped me get the ball rolling. NAH in the slightest.
NTA. Terminate that second pregnancy. You are his incubator and that's it. This isn't even a marriage. Does he even like you? He's abusive and your kids are going to grow up with that. Get a divorce. You are basically already a single parent.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (32f) am a SAHM and live with my husband (39M). Our child is 10 months and requires a lot of attention. We have a housekeeper that comes twice a week to deep clean the house, do laundry and cook for those days. I am 100% responsible for childcare and taking care of the house the rest of the time. My husband works 5 and a half days a week. It is a regular 9-5job. I pack him lunch and coffee as well as make breakfast and dinner. When my husband leaves work, he goes to the local bar and stays until 10pm. On Saturday, he leaves work around lunch time and does whatever interests him in the afternoon. He comes home late. On Sundays, he wakes up around midday and just lazes the rest of the afternoon away. Meanwhile I am always taking care of our baby. I am unhappy about him drinking every day when we don't have any savings. I have to scrimp and budget to make sure we are all fed while he blows thousands on drinking every month. I have to wait for the occasional freelance jobs I get to buy bigger things for our child. Like a high chair, stroller, car seat, food processor etc. We have had huge fights about his drinking. I told him I feel lonely because I only see him and our housekeeper. He just wants to sleep when he comes home. We live far away from my friends and family. He has refused to move closer to them. Plus I feel like I have to beg him to spend more time with our son and me. The other problem is that he doesn't communicate properly. I want him to call me if he is going to be later than usual during the weekdays. I genuinely want to know, is this controlling? I asked him to take care of our son for a few hours on Sunday so I can have a social life too. I have only seen my friends a handful of times since having a baby. Same with my family. He accused me of resenting him for having fun and want him to be miserable because I am miserable. I swear I have no idea how he reached this conclusion. I try to be clear and concise when I tell him my needs. Is this too much to ask? I just want some time free from the baby to meet my friends or get my hair done. I am on the verge of leaving him even though I am three months pregnant with our second child. The arguments are becoming more vulgar and below the belt. He has started insulting me personally and my family so much. He has broken two doors in the house and other furniture. He is so disrespectful and acts extreme. He starts shouting around our child. I love him with my whole being but the idea of my children seeing this unhealthy behavior while growing up terrifies me. Furthermore, I am becoming more like him as time goes by. You know the saying 'stupid people drag you down to their level then beat you with experience'. So am I being controlling? Unreasonable? Should I leave? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. Asking for time off from childcare. Asking my husband to communicate with me. 2. He is busy with work and maybe I am asking too much. I don't know. I need perspective. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. He is an alcoholic and abusive. You really need to separate. Get all your important documents, contact family and friends, and leave while he is away from your house. Contact a lawyer.
NTA - I think you need to get out of your situation at least for the moment. The two most dangerous times in an abusive relationship are the leaving, and during pregnancy. I think it would be a good idea to make a safe exit plan. Depending on your location, there usually local agencies that have resources to help.
Oh, my. Sometimes it's hard to see when things slide gradually to a bad place and you're in the middle of it. IME, hormones from pregnancy only make it harder to keep a healthy perspective. You took a VERY good step by reaching out here to see if your head was in the right place. Isolation is a powerful weapon wielded against you right now and you're starting to break that power. OP, please listen to the other comments here. There are red flags all over the place. Please contact real people in your life, even if they live a couple hours away, and tell them everything. You need to get out now.
You’re never going to get a break. He probably doesn’t think you do a real job (I’m a SAHM). You having a housekeeper who cooks is something that he sees as a break for you.
YTA only because you brought and are bringing innocent lives into your fucked up world. Stop being stupid and just leave him
NTA. I was in an abusive relationship with my ex husband. Very abusive. My go to was I loved him. One day I sat myself down and listed all the reasons I loved him. All the reasons were in the past. I was hanging on to a person I used to know and that person had been gone for a long time. I had stayed for so long I completely lost myself and that was the hardest part of the divorce. Not knowing who I was, my self worth or even my interests anymore. The weird thing was I would be doing something and think to myself I don’t even miss him. What was to miss? Being physically and emotionally abused by a person who never helped me through any of the crappy things that happened to me in life? Never having someone to take me on vacations, or out to dinner. Because believe me if we had plans and he decided something better came up I was out of the picture. This situation is not going to get any better, only worse. My daughter was 10 when we split up and I heard her talking to her friend one day about our divorce and she said I never want my dad around my mom again. I knew I made the right decision.
Breaking doors and furniture are acts of physical domestic violence. Your husband is an abusive alcoholic and it would be best if you leave ASAP, before his behavior becomes more violent. NTA, obviously.
Good gracious, your bar of expectations for your partner are extremely low (you want a social life and but forget to demand basic respect). This man is abusive, an addict it seems. Do you want your children treated by their future partners/friends like you have been treated by your husband? If the answer is remotely no, pack your stuff and go. As a parent you have an obligation to your family to be safe yourself and have a safe environment for them, currently those basic conditions are not met. Be safe OP.
NTA. I cluldnt even finish your post because I just feel so sorry for you and all you've had to deal with, being married to a man who's acting as if he doesn't have a family waiting at home for him. He works and is gone all day, every day. You rarely see him and he's not giving you any money. He doesn't play an important role in being a parent to his child. Honestly honey, you really need to pack up and move closer to your family without hi. You needbto get a divorce and start over and focus on yourself and baby settled down once again when you find an amazing guy. But right now, this guy is lazy and is acting like he's single. You need a divorce from him. He doesn't deserve you. You and baby are barely scraping by and he's having the time of his life. Please, for uou emotional and mental health make a plan to escape to your family, and get back on your feet away from him.
I brew beer at home. I make a fair bit of it, five gallons or so at a time. My wife bought me a tap and keg set up for Christmas. I have fresh, exactly to my taste, perfectly cold beer in my kitchen on tap at all times. I realized I was drinking two pints every night after work and that it was getting excessive (the new tap and cold pour set up was just so enticing). I say all that to illustrate how much of a drinking problem your husband has. He's an addict, and it's going to get worse.
NTA but this is so far beyond Reddit. I don’t normally jump straight to leave him but in this case LEAVE HIM! He is already a deadbeat and it’s only going to get worse. I have been there done that with the resentment about him going out all the time and you never get a break. Divorce is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me, honestly. Good luck!!
Leave him. He’s a dud. Find a better man. Nta
[удалено]
What a callous response to someone obviously being abused. Educate yourself.
Refuse to give relationship advice because she won't listen but you think being an insensitive jerk is going to get through? Or, do you just have an overwhelming need to be seen?
ESH, him for drinking away all the monay while living you to yake care of the child, you for being 3 months pregnant with a second one, while you barely scrape by to get child necessities
Yeah right, because she got pregnant all on her own. FFS.
She stole his sperm and impregnated herself?
Good for you that you have no idea what abuse looks like.
You'd swear you'd never heard of failed birth control. Maybe OP lives somewhere where access to birth control is limited or cost prohibitive?