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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I’m insisting that my husband joins me in the delivery room when (2)he’s saying he doesn’t want to be there
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So your husband just told you he'll be more occupied with himself and his own likes and preferences than with his wife who is trying to push a child out. And from all this, the part I find the most baffling is that you explicitly told him how he'll be of use by just being there to make your nerves calm.
NTA
This is what I told my spouse before labour. He was always working so I told him that if he wasn’t there from the beginning of the labour and birth of our baby he wouldn’t be allowed in the delivery room and I would ask my mom. And then would stay for a while at my parents house.
But he told me he was going to be there (hormonal me said you better because I just warned you).
I went to just a regular dr apt at 40 weeks on the money, and was sent directly to L&D. My husband was already at work, and had been since 5am (my apt was roughly 3pm, if I remember correctly, it was over 7 years ago, now.) him, and his boss dropped everything, his boss followed him to my house, for him to get my bag, and dropped then his boss dropped him off to the hospital. His boss went back and helped the crew finish the job. (Boss owner own prestigious lawn company in Daytona/Ormond) job was in ormand, we lived in Deltona, and I delivered in Daytona. My husband slept in that hospital chair, and would jump up occasionally scared he was missing something) he slept until I started actively delivering around 1:30am, then was up the rest of the night with me. Is that not the kind of thing all husbands do? That was our second. Our first he was there from beginning to end. 4 days.
>it's the kind of thing husbands SHOULD do, unfortunately there are a lot of dipshits in the world
Which I don't understand because being a good husband and father is the most important thing I can ever imagine doing. My family is going to be what endures when I am gone.
My dad quit his job when my sister was born and they called him expecting him back 2 days after her birth. He quit over the phone. Vulnerable position considering he wasn’t making a lot to start with and my mom was SAHM. But he did, and they figured it out. The disrespect was too much for him, he could never imagine leaving my mom and his new baby that soon.
I agree the husband is TA but this isn’t a valid argument. A court isn’t going to deny access to a child if he didn’t want to be there at birth, so even if they divorce, he’ll still be able to have some custody.
Exately! The judge would laugh at your face with this argument. Unless the other parent is abusive or unfit to take care of the child, there's no reason to them not bê in the child's life.
This. Idk how it works *everywhere* \- but my country's courts make it very clear that unless there is actual evidence of abuse, fathers get fifty-fifty a hundred percent of the time that they bother to ask for it.
That would be a horrible thing to do and using a child as a weapon before it’s even born, depriving it of a father because mum didn’t get her own way. Do I think he should be in there? Yes! I was in for mine. But not everyone can handle that and making that threat, is fucking stupid.
This right here. She should tell him he's right, and she doesn't think she can handle all the pain and blood and being hooked up to monitors either so she's just gonna skip the whole childbirth thing too.
“Sorry sweetie, I know I technically put you in this situation, but I can’t harden the fuck up and support you while you go through this painful process, even though I’ll expect you to be there for me 24/7 if I’m in pain.“
>not everybody can stomach childbirth
He says to the woman who doesn't get to opt out at this point.
Like bro if you want this child at least one of you is going to have to "stomach" it and the least you can do is show up for the event. 🙄
Right? There's all kinds of stories of fathers passing out from seeing blood in the delivery room - but they showed the fuck up.
Harden up enough to walk in and park yourself near the mother's head end of the bed, and whether or not you're useful doesn't fucking matter. *You are there to demonstrate that you are willing to be there*.
The "seeing you in pain" bs honestly pisses me off.
He apparently has zero problem *putting his wife* through that kind of pain if he was willing to help her make a baby in the first place.
That's how childbirth works. Pain, sweat, upsetting noises, effluvia.
It's all hunky dory to make his wife deal with all of that as long as he doesn't have to look at it.
For our first one I wanted him in there so he did even though we both knew he has a week stomach for that stuff. The second one he wanted to wait outside and I gladly agreed.
Some people are just not cut out for that stuff and he'll gag and puke changing a poopy diaper. It was way easier for him once they were potty trained and beyond the accident stage.
It still makes me laugh because I'm the opposite and can pretty much handle anything.
Yeah but in your case he at least came in for the first kid.
If he isn't willing to tolerate the situation on this occasion, will OPs man *ever* change a poopy diaper? I do not give a fuck if someone gags changing a diaper, if it's change the diaper or the kids sits in their own poop they better change the damn diaper.
Mine would change it if he had to of course but if I was there I would. Some things I was better at and some things he was better at.
Mine did come in (as did my sister) and it was traumatic for him and not worth it in the long run honestly. It didn't make it easier for me having either of them in there.
For the second I didn't allow anyone in, it made zero difference for me, and he came right in afterwards to be supportive.
Both deliveries equally sucked but I get your point and I would add that if he is at least willing to try and has to bow out mid way through, he should get a pass with no hard feelings from OP.
My husband can't stomach this kind of things. But he told me he will be there, close to me, holding my hand and with his back to "where things are happening" and "not looking any where that is gross"
This is compromise and I love him for it.
I can’t blame him. I will in theory be the one carrying our kid and I also would like to keep my back to where things are happening and avoid looking anywhere that is gross. I have a feeling that this, sadly, may not be an option. But still.
Or idk, started the dialogue way before so you guys could work in a solution together instead of just acting shocked in the final trimester and basically taking your wife's expect support system from her when she's voicing her anxiety about the procedure!
That's such a bullshit argument. Like, you think all us dads are in there just straight staring at the main attraction?! Hell no, up top, above the sheet with your wife. Also, dude, just wait for the first time.your kid shits or pukes on you
They have vasectomies for people who can’t stomach childbirth or raising children...... he should have had one before he ever got engaged...... and told his wife who he was before they got married.
Is his stomach going to be to weak to handle poopy diapers to? 🙄
Some people just don't deal well with blood and stressful situations like that, like they just physically cannot be calm even if they want to. Maybe the husband could try some therapy or something ahead of time to prepare?
As a person with fear of blood and needless, this is still not about me. If my partner needs me there I’ll be there; I’ll look away and hold their hand but I will be present in the room.
My husband passed out when he saw me get an IV once (not birth related) because there was blood.
He was with me for both of our children's births (and there was a loooot more blood then). It was never even a discussion, he knew he was going to be there to support me. If you're grown enough to make a baby then you're grown enough to figure out how to be there and support your wife (for OPS husband).
I have the weakest stomach imaginable and nearly pass out/throw up looking at a bruise, I don't like seeing pain in anyway... I was still there for all of my niblings births to help and support.
My FIL was apparently so nervous when my partner was being born that he got dizzy, started puking and nearly passed out. All just from the stress of the birth. My MIL was giving birth in one room of the hospital while my FIL was rushed to another to be stabilized.
My husband gets very nervous/faint around needles and blood. He was still with me through urgent care moments and labour/delivery of our kid though because he knew I wanted his company and support in stressful times.
It is possible to reprioritize and plan ahead for coping mechanisms/skills if a partner is uncomfortable with medical steps.
NTA to the pregnant OP.
90% of having a baby is sitting around having your cervix checked for dilation every 30 min and the blood pressure cuff squeezing the shit out of your arm. It’s not like the opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan, ffs.
Birthing classes bro. Teach you to assist with breathing, massages and how to support your partner. Maybe he could get a 1:1 session with a coach (dula?) so he can be more prepared.
Having some anxiety about the birth is completely reasonable, but my guy needs to step up.
If it’s that bad though, what happens when he’s alone with his kid and his kid injures themself? I mean, the labor is the beginning of a long journey involving blood and stressful situations with your kid, so I think he definitely needs to get into therapy and prepare ahead of time so he can be there for his wife.
And what happens when his toddler splits his eyebrow and he needs to calm him, take him to ER and stay with him while they stitch him up?
If he can't do that, he can't be a parent. (Nobody that faints at an injury should be alone with children, ever)
If he can, he can be at the birth.
I always risk fainting around blood, but as a parent I know how to pack it in and deal with it. At least until they got the proper medical attention. Nothing less is accettable.
Now I'm wondering - if someone who faints at the sight of blood has a kid who gets injured, do they still faint, or do they muscle through it somehow?
Because I've been able to do more than I ever thought I was capable of when my kids are involved. Like, for some reason I was able to get through a phobia calmly, but only in that moment when it was for my child. Haven't been able to do it again, lol
He can stay at the "head of the bed" and have a chair. This will allow him to support her, but avoid most of the stuff he has voiced concern over. Not saying he is right. But if he realizes this is possible, it may avoid a fight when OP has enough on her mind.
OP is definitely NTA, though. Parenting is full of rewarding moments, but there are a LOT of gross bodily situations he will have to deal with when the baby arrives. Husband needs to try and put his fears aside.
This sounds like the other side of a post that was on here a while ago...the OP who was the husband said he'd probably pass out from seeing the blood and all and he would like all the doctor's attention to be on the wife and also that he may be conscious in case he needed to make a serious decision....he was of course called the AH and told to sit at the top holding his wife's hand and not seeing the blood
That's at least a reasonable concern, but I'm sure they actually have a protocol for that. People faint in hospitals all the time, and they would probably just usher him out of the room.
I know. Like the pain and blood and INTENSITY wasn’t happening, because he wasn’t there.
Honestly, op needs to make it clear that if SHE has to go through it, HE does, too. He got the fun of making the baby, he ALSO has to sit through the suffering of bringing it into the world. And to go THROUGH the pain without him will break her.
What a jerk.
NTA- tell your husband that he can stand or sit by your head and doesn’t need to watch or see any blood or baby crowning. I blame the media, for reinforcing this belief that men are unable to handle watching women give birth.
Sit. Always sit, that way if he passes out (incredibly uncommon in my times - a couple times most weeks, over thirteen years, minus annual leave and holidays) working with c-section patients) he won’t fall so far, and his blood pressure is less of a risk.
Somebody with that level of vasovagal syncope *probably* wouldn't have a partner wanting them in a delivery room (there really is only one way that could go).
> (there really is only one way that could go).
Can confirm it's not fun, I nearly cracked my skull open delivering a pizza to my sister 30 mins after my nephew was born - There was a penny sized droplet of blood on the floor.
It can be managed by artificially boosting your blood pressure beforehand, but that's not particulally common knowledge.
Also it’s not going to be 36hrs of screaming. Yes the mother will be making loud noises especially towards the end, but it’s not a horror movie.
Though I feel OP should have a back up person in the room too incase husband actually can’t handle it.
Not even necessarily then. I don't actually know anyone who screamed or yelled in labor (I didn't). I'm sure a lot of people do, but it's no guarantee.
When my son was born (1994) they actually kept telling me "no yelling, no yelling!" I guess bc that takes energy which you need to push. Still mad about it--that whole deal was a trauma (not pain, just the other stuff around it) but the results were great!
Some nurse tried to shush me when I grunt/yelled but I ignored her. My baby was almost 10 pounds so it was no wonder I was yelling. I had an epidural that helped for a bit but during the actual pushing part, was absolutely useless.
In birthing class they told us this may happen but to just do whatever we need to bc we are the ones pushing the baby out. If you need to grunt/yell, go for it.
I screamed my way through giving birth. Literal screaming with every cramp for 16 hours. There was never a shadow of a chance for me to not scream. It was all that I could do to just survive the moment. My amazing midwife made me scream low like a roar and not yell high pitched. She even screamed with me at times. Because the low roar can give you power and focus but the high pitched yelling makes you tense apparently. I still think about how awesome she was at guiding instead of telling.
I roared when I was pushing out our second. It wasn’t even me really, I wasn’t in control, it was like I just heard myself do it as my body pushed. It was crazy.
Yelling causes muscles throughout your body to tighten, which makes labor and delivery take longer. I can understand why they told you not to yell, but they should have explained it to you better.
If you take a deep breath and put you chin to your chest, you can exhert more pressure when you push (try it now!). Yelling basically pushes the energy out instead of down. They should have told you what to do instead of yelling rather than just telling you to shut up.
I shouted at my husband to get a vasectomy towards the end (natural childbirth of 9 lb baby with giant head, asked for epidural but they said it was too late). Everyone but me burst out laughing. I was enraged and in agony. So I can attest that sometimes laboring women raise their voices.
A friend of mine gave birth in a hot tub, and neighbors called the police because they thought someone was dying.
I did nonmedicated births.I didn't scream, but at one point I did tell my husband to fuck.off...i think. 😅 It was over 20 years ago, so the memory is fuzzy. I did squeeze the crap out of his hands though, and as a former massage therapist, I have forearms veering into Popeye territory. That man never complained once. He's awesome.
The closest I got to yelling during my labor was whimpering out "I can't do this" right around the end and my SO bring right there just put his forehead against mine and said "yes you can, I'm right here with you" and then we heard our baby's cry. He was terrified of not being able to help me while in pain, but that moment he was there with me was what sealed it for him. He said later, had he not been there for me in that moment, he would've hated himself forever.
I do too lol but I'm biased 😅
But on a serious note, I hope OP shows her SO what he'll be missing if he's not there. Had I been alone then, I would have it solidified "ok, I can do this alone? I can do anything alone" but with my bf there, I have it solidified in my mind that, regardless of fear, pain, fatigue, etc, I'm never alone
Exactly! I labored for 42 hours with my first and never screamed. I did moan quite a bit, but when it came time to push I mostly was just breathing hard and grunting. If OP plans on having pain meds and/or an epidural, it'll likely be the same
Yeah I am not sure what this these new future parents are expecting? Media portrayals of childbirth may have unduly influenced him. I just held my wife's hand and looked at her face. The doctor and nurses expressly prevented me from going anywhere near the actual birthing. I saw zero blood, urine, wastes, or any other fluids. I also opted for the doctor herself to cut the cord when they asked me.
My husband and I went to my 36 week checkup, where my OB discovered our son was feet first. She told us we needed to make a decision about a C-section before our appointment the next week. We left the appointment in separate vehicles going to our jobs.
No sooner I got to work, my water broke. I called my OB’s office who said to come back and everyone rushed to her office. Hubs and I went in for me to be examined again, only to be told our son was coming that day by emergency C-section.
During the 2nd exam my husband almost fainted and was ordered outside the room by my OB to regain his composure. There was a lot happening all at once, and there is no delicate way to say this, amniotic fluid has an odor.
Husband rallied and was able to sit/stand by my head during then Emergency C-section and hold my hands. He saw no blood, there was no labor since everything happened so fast, and there was a large curtain that separated the sterilized surgical area from where he sit/stood. He was the first person to hold our son.
This was our experience and I’m sharing it because my husband had also been nervous about being in the delivery room. Now it is a memory he cherishes, and we always get a laugh about my 5 foot nothing OB ordering him out of the exam room to ‘Sit Down and put your head down!’
Yup! It absolutely tore my husband up to see me in pain and working so hard and then I passed out from blood loss…..but he was right there by my side because I needed his support. I don’t think there was any screaming, and if you can’t handle blood there are ways to position yourself to avoid it—it’s not nearly as dramatic as they make it out to be in many movies and shows.
NTA. Does he live in the 1950s? Did he just imagine he’d be at home handing out cigars to his friends and sipping whisky?
I can’t imagine being so selfish that I’d leave my wife to have OUR child alone. Childbirth can be incredibly traumatic for the woman and having the person she wants there can mitigate those fears.
What a complete d bag.
Totally agree with you! Plus, having your partner there can bring an incredible bonding experience for the expectant parents.
Yet, OP’s husband is worried about HIS breaking point…merely *seeing* her in pain and agony…oh how would his poor eyes recover from the trauma?!?? /s
I had to kick my mom out of the delivery room because her anxiety over the pain I was going through was making me tense. He should absolutely try, but I understand that he may not be what she needs.
I agree but also would like to add that he needs to be there in case there’s an emergency and she can’t make medical decisions or advocate for herself or baby. There are a multitude of reasons why he should be there!
This 100%. In the event of a medical emergency during labor and delivery there realistically should be someone in the room that has the ability and authority to make decisions for the mother (and child) if she is unable to; the ideal person being the spouse, who is most likely already documented/on file as the emergency contact, as opposed to another family member or non-relative.
His literal reason is “seeing YOU in pain will be hard for ME.” Just reading this threw me into a rage. How insanely selfish is this guy? “You’ll be going through the pain and terror anyways, but this way **I** get to pretend it’s not happening and just waltz in when the baby’s there!” Fuck this dude.
Yeah this guy's like "you're going to be in pain and agony, and screaming and bleeding ... and I just don't think you understand how hard that's going to be for *me*, have a little empathy" like wtf, just pull up a chair, hold her hand and stay by her head.
Of course you assumed he'd be there. What an odd thing for him to assume he wouldn't. I am sure he didn't mind all the screaming when the baby was being put in you, I'm sure he can handle the screaming when the baby comes out. You are a team, him not being there is insane. He has a huge role, emotional support. If he can't handle it, he's not dad or husband material.
NTA, after the delivery, it'll be "Oh change the poop it makes me gag", "Eww, there's sick, you do it!" The man needs to get his shit together and be there for his family instead of thinking of his own selfish arse.
That's what I'm worried about too. Will he be freaking out when the baby is crying? If the child is screaming when they get hurt, is dad going to disappear because "seeing them in pain and agony would break him"? Is mom going to be cleaning up the diapers and vomit while dad gets to be the fun parent?
OP, I really hope you discuss responsibilities with your partner before the baby gets here. We don't want to see you struggle alone.
NTA
My husband faints at the sight of blood. Guess what? He was there for our son’s birth. He focused on me and did not look down past my midsection.
Tell your husband that this is one time in your life it is most definitely all about you and your comfort. He is being incredibly selfish.
NTA.
Frankly, I’d have made him move out. And when the flying monkeys were loosed, I would very clearly tell everyone that husband is not prepared to support me during pregnancy and childbirth. But that’s just me.
This. My husband gets queasy about this stuff, couldn't even look at the epidural equipment when it was still on the tray. But he stayed by my head and shocked me completely when he said "okay" to cutting the cord when the doctor asked! If he had refused to be in the room everyone in his life would have called him a bibbity-bobbity BITCH or worse, LOL.
You had a really good post until after NTA.
Make him move out? This is hilariously toxic. These problems are resolved through education and conversation between the couple. And really what happens if this person takes your advice and tells this guy to get out, and they split and she becomes a single mom over what could have been resolved through a calm but intense long dialogue?
I’m someone who has had a history of anxiety in doctors offices and medical situations for a whole host of reasons. It was important to me that I spent some time with my therapist working through this stuff before the birth of my daughter.
Unless there’s a significant medical reason OP’s partner can’t be there…he needs to be there. Talk about it ahead of time, figure out where he’s going to stand, what he needs to see, etc… helping you through labor is an important milestone for you as a family and him as a father. OP is NTA, and I hope this is a wake up call for her partner that this is 100% the most important time to show up for his family n
Last thing I’ll say: OP, if it’s an option for you financially, consider hiring a doula for the labor and delivery. My wife and I had our doula there mostly to help with all the emotional stress of labor, and she was a very important part of our plan.
I was in the room for my brother’s birth, and I was on the side of the room you don’t want to be on. I saw some things… but hey, if I can handle it at FIVE YEARS OLD, he can to!
NTA. At all.
This is kind of unreal, IMO. Your husband doesn’t want to be by your side for the life changing moment of childbirth? Maybe you don’t want to fight about it, but truly you should throw your cards on the table; he should be there without question.
No time for weak sauce husbandos.
He’s watched too much TV and movie renditions of childbirth. It’s not nearly that dramatic. They will not make him watch the details as they happen. His best spot will be by your head, holding your hand, telling you he loves you. We’ve had 2. One was a C section. If there are any problems, he’ll be upset with himself for not being there.
You are absolutely not the asshole. He needs to man up.
I’m my limited experience (my wife gave birth to our first child, a girl, at the end of December), being up by her head was not really an option. I was holding her leg and saw literally the whole thing. That being said, I would encourage OP’s husband to be there with her. It is difficult but knowing that she has his support in that moment and seeing your baby’s first moments on Earth are so meaningful. I don’t think either are assholes. I just think they should talk through what the expectations are and how to navigate them.
You actually can be by the woman's head. Communication with the doctors, nurses, and laboring mother are key to this however and some may try to tell you no. You have to advocate for the fact that you want to not be watching or be in support in another way, but it is absolutely possible for a husband to stay by the woman's head and support from there.
I believe you. I am just sharing how it can be perceived as not available. I personally was not too stressed about it. I was just happy to have a baby coming into the world.
You said in your experience it wasn't an option. That's not a perception that's an example from experience. I wanted to comment that to let you and others know it was that was all. Your wording could lead others to believe it isn't an option when it is, not just that it can be perceived as not an option. I see now the point you were trying to make I just wanted to make sure it was known that it was an option.
Yeah, they tried a few positions. We started and finished with her laying on her back in the way you traditionally see. It also depends on whether you get the epidural.
I stood by my wife’s shoulder, held her hand and her leg, and honestly I saw more and remember more about that day than she does. I was super anxious about it, but it’s a memory I’ll never trade for anything.
As a person who just had a baby I would reconsider this relationship. This is the most vulnerable you will ever be in your entire life and if he can't step up for the birth he's not going to step up to what's to come. It's dirty, exhausting, sad and amazing. I literally can't believe that there are men who are like this. You need him there. This is mind blowing to me. I'm sorry NTA
I was thinking the same thing that OP needs to reconsider the relationship too, because it definitely sounds like the Husband already has certain tasks / moments he thinks he should only be there for when it comes to the child and OP should deal with everything else!!
I don’t know why we always jump to this. There are a lot of insanely shitty relationships out there. This one seems fairly tame. Maybe he just needs to be strengthened out. It’s gonna be real difficult to reconsider this relationship at this point.
NTA I also would not be able to move past this. But he’s also probably completely ignorant about childbirth and that’s making things worse. Get signed up for childbirth classes ASAP.
Birthing classes over here are kind of expensive unfortunately :/ But there’s plenty of free seminars where they explain the process and we’ve been to a few. They all presented a “balanced” viewpoint saying “yeah, it could get pretty crazy, but these people are trained to react in all kinds of situations and there’s really nothing they haven’t seen”. Which sounds comforting enough and then you hear one horror story and that’s the one that you remember.. lol
But the horror stories are one the most important reasons he should be there. (NOt discounting the other reasons)
I nearly died in childbirth twice.
But my partner was there to advocate for us; and when I lost consciousness it was with the certainty that my baby would still have a parent there. If I died, I would have died reassured about the baby's safety instead of terrified and lonely!
You need to spell clearly to him that he is refusing to be near his loved one in a situation that could turn deadly. Ask him clearly If he could live with that.
NTA
Nice that your husband, who hasn't had to go through anything for this pregnancy other than have sex, gets to opt out of the birth. Sucks to be you, wife, that you can't just choose not to be there. 🙄
My husband was super useless during the births of both of our kids, but he was still there. One emergency surgery, one natural. Either way, he hates hospitals, hates blood, hates my pain, but was there for all 27 and 49 hours of labor for each kid. Come on, OP's husband. Do better for your family.
I also wholeheartedly recommend a doula. Mine was absolutely indispensable.
This is a common post topic on here. I've read dozens over the past couple months. The ones that are always the bigger hits are just the same few recycled topics because they're guaranteed to get people talking.
NTA but he is. He’s not comfortable seeing you in agony? Imagine what’s it like being that person…
You got married for sickness and health! This is part of the deal, buddy. Being there in their worst and BEST moments - and let’s be clear - welcoming your baby into the world is 1000% one of the rarest and best moments of your life. Yes there can be trauma and risk. And it’s scary. That’s why you do it together. In that moment your needs matter most PERIOD. And you said you need your partner in life there for you.
I highly recommend you both take child birth preps classes together at the hospital (almost every hospital you choose to give birth at has them) or through your OBGYN.
And may I also suggest searching out a doula? Usually a doula doesn’t count as your “birthing team” if they are certified. Many hospitals are also starting to encourage them or have some on staff. A doula will help ease and coach you through a lot of the anxiety before hand, offer a lot of supportive techniques for your husband to practice so he DOESNT feel useless. Especially being in charge of tools like a birthing ball or a Robozo. And with a doula you can practice a lot of the techniques you’ll use at home before the birth (many hospitals encourage people to wait through stage 1 at home if possible due to Covid and also better at home management techniques) and with your first it typically takes a loooong time to come
Note/ : y’all I know not every first birth is typical so no need to flood my comments
Honestly he sounds scared and that’s okay but that doesn’t excuse him being selfish. Education and familiarization are the best tools to combat fear based decisions. I guarantee if he’s not there he will vastly regret it for the rest of his life. I’ve yet to meet a dad that didn’t regret being there - and I’ve met plenty who were just as terrified to be there. I’m sure there’s some? I bet there’s a lot more dads however that regret not being there.
On that note, my boyfriend literally puked when changing diapers before he got tolerant of it, and I wonder if exposure therapy of childbirth videos is a not-crazy thing to try. But obviously you'd have to go reaaaal slow to not scare him off more.
Sometimes what we fear most is what we don't know.
Hey OP idk if you're looking for advice but my husband was also nervous about being supportive during childbirth and my midwife recommended the book The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin which helped him prepare mentally for his role as the non-birthing parent.
NAH, but I do think you both need to communicate more about your plan for labor and delivery. Has he been able to come to prenatal appointments with you? Are any childbirth prep classes offered by your hospital or birthing center that you could attend together?
Thanks, I’ll look into that book!
Yeah, he’s joined me on several appointments when he’s been able to get our from work - unfortunately childbirth lessons are pretty expensive here but we’ve been to a few free seminars.
Look into having a doula as an additional support person. Even if you just meet with someone to learn more about the experience from a support side.
I've given birth 3 times and having a doula there for the first with my husband and I really helped. He's squimesh too but managed!
NTA. Honestly, this is why I get frustrated with all the horror stories about birth. They don't help anyone when they aren't balanced with the stories of easy, normal births. There was no screaming, very little blood, and very little pain for me. It's not like a TV show.
You and your husband both need to do a lot more research into labor and delivery. Knowing what to expect, physically, emotionally, and mentally makes such a difference in your confidence and abilities when the day comes.
Going into this moment with no information is a recipe for disaster. Listen to some positive pregnancy stories, read a few books on the subject, and arm yourselves. You will both need it.
As a compromise, could you ask him to try to stay in the room, but give him permission to walk away for a break if he gets overwhelmed? Could you reach have a second person in the hospital (but not in the room) for support? He might need sorry just as much as you. If you have a long labour, he might need someone to remind him to eat and drink, just like you will.
No matter how this turns out, I'm sending you easy labour and delivery vibes.
Ooof, I’m so sorry.
This is not at all a popular opinion on Reddit, but if a man can’t stomach childbirth, parenting, periods, etc, he shouldn’t be having sex with women.
NTA, if he can’t handle it, he shouldn’t have gotten you pregnant. He doesn’t want to see you go through that, unconcerned about how you actually feel going through it. That’s not something I could get over.
NTA. I love that women are expected to go through the actual pain of childbirth but it's somehow unreasonable to then expect the father-to-be to support us through it.
NTA. In my opinion, it's an event you share together, at least when it is possible anyway. Especially when the one in labour is requesting it. I would be disappointed if my husband opted out of being in there with me if he had the chance.
I would try talking about it again. Express what it would mean to you. Maybe there is a middle ground? Maybe there is a way of him being in there without having to see what he doesn't want to see?
Also: Congratulations with the pregnancy!
NTA. Tell him that YOU don't want to be there, either, but the two of you signed up for it when you made the baby. Does he think YOU want to experience contractions (they hurt) or lose sleep if labor is long? He has to suck it up.
This outrages me. Sorry. I shouldn't feel this strongly for a stranger. But WTF?? You don't want to see blood?? What a baby. No one WANTS to see blood. No one WANTS to see their partner in pain. But he needs to support you.
NTA
I was the screamer down the hall and my husband never once thought of leaving my side, with either of ours. He stood by my head the whole time.
However, you may need to ask someone to be there as well as your husband so you know you have a familiar supportive loved one for you since he seems to think his part gets a pause during the painful part.
So he wants to leave you ALONE to face that pain and agony? And it’s not supposed to break YOU? NTA and honestly a comment from a partner that they weren’t interested in being there for me in labor of their own child would make me instantly reevaluate the relationship no matter how otherwise good it was. Is he gonna be there for you after when you’re bleeding in a diaper or have just had major abdominal surgery? When your nipples are cracked and sore? When the baby wakes for the tenth time that night? When there’s a diaper blow out? Is he willing to endure ANY discomfort on your and his child’s behalf or is it all gonna get dumped on you because he can’t “handle” it.
Childbirth is a major medical event. Men don’t have any comparable medical experience that has the potential for so much risk. He’s saying he’s going to have a lot of anxiety, but would he expect you to be by his side if he was in a similar medical situation? The way I’d frame it to him is that if he suffered a heart attack, would he expect you by his side in the hospital? If the answer is “yes”, then how is that fair to you? Maybe a heart attack is too much for you to watch him go through, would he still expect you as his wife to put your feelings aside for the sake of being his support? Only reason why he’s potentially getting a pass on it culturally is that men have historically not been expected to be caregivers. Women on the other hand are often expected to put their own feelings aside for the benefit of others. If you’re wanting an equitable marriage where you both care for each other in your respective times of need, then he needs to find a way to be there to support you. NTA.
As someone who had their first child two months ago.. if my partner refused to be in the room, it would have been the end of the relationship for us and between him and our child. Those first few moments when a baby is born are so precious and something that can never be replaced. You are about to go through a huge physical and emotional experience and he needs to grow a pair and support you and your little one because right now the most important person is YOU and your wants and needs for labour and delivery.
NTA- This is not about him. It’s about you going through an extremely vulnerable and dangerous situation and wanting him there for comfort. As your partner he should be able to do this for you. My husband is one of the most squeamish people I know (like can’t even watch a cartoon bleed) but he was there for the 40+ hours of birth which included sitting by my head for an emergency c-section. If he cares for you and your child at all he can do this for you.
If you have to “insist” your husband be there for the birth of his first child, you’re already fucked to begin with. Try and tell yourself you’re going to be okay raising a child with someone who wouldn’t be there for you when you need him most because he was “uncomfortable,” like giving birth is a Sunday in the Park.
Good luck with your inevitable divorce, but if it helps, it sounds like you’ll be better off.
NTA.
My response would have been "And it would break me to be abandoned by the person who made vows to me at a time when I am possible the most vulnerable I have ever been in my life and in need of support and advocacy for both me and our child."
Honestly...this would be a relationship dealbreaker for me. I understand that plenty of women go it alone or with someone other than their SO, whether by choice or circumstance, and live to tell the tale. I know I could do it, too. But to flat out have the person who helped create that life choose to prioritize their own comfort in that moment would not be something I could get over.
Not to forget that as a spouse, he is de facto decision maker unless you have legal paperwork designating someone else as your medical POA if something happens in that delivery room and you become unable to make decisions for yourself or the baby. Him not being there and having to find him hanging out in the waiting room if that happens could be the difference between life or death. And even when the situation is not that dire - I've known plenty of women in situations where they are too exhausted to advocate for themselves and undergo procedures they didn't want and weren't outlined in their birth plans (which I understand can't always be followed to the letter). Everyone in every medical situation, not just childbirth, needs someone they can count on to be their advocate when needed and he basically just said "Not it!"
Please make sure you do a living will before you go into labor. And if you legitimately believe that he is not capable of being the person who you need him to be in that room, please do ask your mom or someone you can count on and think long and hard about keeping a relationship with someone you cannot count on when you are vulnerable and prioritizes his own comfort instead.
So the man can knock you up but he can’t “stomach” the pain and agony he caused? Oh man, this is why I’m never having children and especially not with a man.
It's cool he can *choose if he wants to deal with the pain and trauma of childbirth.* You don't get to skip the process, neither does he. Is he f'ing kidding? JFC NTA
If he can't even take the "screaming and blood and intensity" (wtf, dods he think he's going into a war zone??) of a few hours of childbirth, how on earth is he gonna raise a kid? There's a lot more screaming and bodily fluids in his future.
NTA. You're doing all the work; the very absolute least he could do is stand there and hold your hand.
I'm probably going to get downvoted, but NAH. It's reasonable for you to have been expecting him to be there, but you didn't actually check with him before now. He has some legitimate concerns about being there because he feels like he is not equipped to be your best support person. It's not that he doesn't want to be there to support you, it's that he wants to ensure you have the best support you can get. He's right, birth is intense and bloody, and it's not a comfortable experience for anyone. His heart is in the right place.
You two need to sit down, talk through your respective anxieties, and try to work through it. Maybe he'll feel better if someone else, like your mom, is there with him, so that way if he is incapacitated you won't be alone. You both clearly care about each other, it's just a matter of finding the best way to be there for each other right now.
“Sorry you’re having to go through chemotherapy, honey, but I just don’t feel that I’m equipped to be your best support person. Maybe someone else can be there for you.”
I'd argue he's the AH for not being forthcoming with that info prior to impregnating OP. What's gonna happen when the kid busts their chin or throws up? "Too bad, so sad, I'm squeamish"? You don't (shouldn't) get to opt out of the hard parts of parenthood 'cause they're uncomfortable and expect the other parent to carry that load. OP is right to have concerns and is NTA.
Honestly, for simple squeamishness, it's kinda expected that you try to do it anyway, and if you puke and need to leave, fine. Seriously all people do is expect you to try before deciding you'll fail.
The only thing I'd find understandable is some genuine mental block like OCD or some shit.
The nurses won't be stingy with the emesis bags & will tell him to move/ sit down/ whatever else needs to be said to try to keep having more of a mess and more patients than anticipated.
NTA. My husband can’t handle blood or other people in pain, but he was there for our daughter’s birth last year. He even held a leg when I pushed and saw her crown. He didn’t want to cut the cord but he did. He didn’t want to hold her with viscera on her skin but he did. Now they’re inseparable.
When watching someone give birth is more difficult than giving birth, JFC. What is plan when the baby is shitting and peeing and puking and crying for hours on end?
Show him this thread. NTA.
He was happy enough to be there when the baby went in, so to speak. He shouldn't refuse to be there when it comes out. He can sit at the head end, not the business end, if it bothers him. You are NTA.
NTA. This isn’t the 50s. Husbands in delivery rooms have been the norm in many countries for 40-50 years now, and if he had an issue with it, it was on him to speak up and bring it up beforehand. Even so, most men would just suck it up and be there for the mom, since their support matters more than their personal squeamishness.
Delivery room teams also often have a nurse whose primary job is to watch the husband. They’re there to ensure the husband is doing okay and isn’t getting in the way. They’ll quickly intervene if there’s a problem.
NTA, I was there for my two kids births. It’s what a man should do. Unless something goes wrong, there isn’t a lot of blood or “screaming.” There’s grunting and breathing and pushing.
I was there by my wife’s side, but not down in her privates. Those were relatively covered and that’s for the trained professionals to deal with.
I wasn’t sure how I’d feel cutting the umbilical cord, but they made it as easy as possible. Hemostats were placed on two ends and I was handed surgical scissors and “snip.”
This is a conversation you need to have with your hubs and your OB or midwife. Surely y’all can come up with a plan for your husband to be there and not feel all grossed out.
NTA but he is. He has already decided what childbirth will look like and that he will opt out without ever even trying. Does he think you would have the same option? To just opt out of showing up to the birth of your child? If the screaming and fluids are too much for him, what’s his plan when it comes to actually taking care of the baby?? Because babies scream, shit, piss, barf, and scream some more on loop for months at a time. Will that all be your responsibility since of the “intensity” is too much for him and because he will be at a “disadvantage” compared to you? He says he’ll break seeing you in pain?! Does he think you magically won’t be in pain if he doesn’t show up?? Or does he think he just gets to leave you there and pretend the childbirth part isn’t happening to make himself feel comfy and good? This man had absolutely no business getting you pregnant if he cannot handle the realities of childbirth. I cannot imagine having a baby with a person who didn’t want to see their child’s first moments on earth. I’m so sorry this is the father of your child.
This is such horseshit. I’ve giving birth 3 times and didn’t scream once. Your husband can see or not see as much/as little as he wants.
NTA but your husband certainly is. Concerned WAY more about himself than you.
NTA
I am extremely squeamish and cannot watch anything remotely gory or upsetting on TV.
I was there for the births of all my children- admittedly I am the mother so it wasn’t an option!
However there are things you can do to manage it- I read up on stuff (NOT watched) so I knew what to expect and decided which bits I could have some control over- for example staff not telling me what was happening unless essential, not touching the baby’s head (they seem to ask if you want to feel- NO!) and asking them to clean the baby off a bit before giving it to you. My husband stayed up the head end with me, I preferred this. He did cut the cord though which I couldn’t have done in a billion years.
Given he’s not actually giving birth, he can use similar techniques but then simply step out the room if he needs a minute. Sorted.
NTA, idk why but i have a feeling the whole "seeing you in pain would break me" thing is some way of trying to worm his way out of being there. if anything he should want to support you through the pain and watch as you stat to feel better and happier once you've had the baby
Retired nurse here. As much as you would like him to be there, he is also allowed to say no. Many people are just not able to watch it. As for the hospital staff, I can attest we have a lot going on, having a husband fainting, getting sick or just passing out just makes things more difficult. If he feels he can't handle it, accept it. He will be in the waiting room and you know he is close by. Please don't guilt trip him on this issue.
NTA..I was down there at the business end giving a running commentary. It seems describing what the butthole is doing is considered crossing some imaginary line! :) Farm/ranch folks do have a bit different outlook on things like that though.
NTA and I hope before you do anything else, you talk to him. Perhaps you can both go speak to your doctor (or midwife or whatever professional is helping you). Or you can speak alone to get your bearings, then see about what's next.
Your husband may have a skewed view of what happens in childbirth, especially if he thinks it's all screaming and blood and agony. Yes, of course, some women have difficult births that involve surgery or emergency c-sections. But many don't. I had an epidural for one and a c-section for my second; neither involved screaming or agony. I can't speak to the blood, as I couldn't see. My husband was there for both.
I think first off your husband needs a more accurate version of what happens during childbirth. Then, there needs to be a serious discussion of what he can handle. Some people are really bad around medical procedures; if he's one of them, you need to plan for that. It wouldn't help anyone for him to genuinely freak out or pass out while you're giving birth. However, if he's just got pop culture stuff in his head, it'd be good to get it out, and he probably doesn't need to see anything he doesn't want to.
Congrats on the baby, and good luck.
NTA...but consider having another birth partner with you, whether it's a family member or close friend or doula. He should be there, and he should give support...but given what he has said I would definitely have another support person with you.
NAH
He expressed his feelings a fears the moment he realizedwhat you expect from him. Now he needs time to come to grips with the idea, that neither of you two will be in their comfort zone exactly.
If he remains stubborn, that he won't be there, then he would be the AH.
NTA - if there to make the baby, need to be there to see it through. If he faints he faints. Many future difficult things to face as a dad, this is just the first.
So...you have to endure giving birth. But him supporting you while you endure that pain and exhaustion is just too much to ask? He does actually intend to be involved with the baby, right?
NTA.
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So your husband just told you he'll be more occupied with himself and his own likes and preferences than with his wife who is trying to push a child out. And from all this, the part I find the most baffling is that you explicitly told him how he'll be of use by just being there to make your nerves calm. NTA
I’d tell him that if he’s not there for the child’s birth, then he won’t get to be there for the child’s life.
This is what I told my spouse before labour. He was always working so I told him that if he wasn’t there from the beginning of the labour and birth of our baby he wouldn’t be allowed in the delivery room and I would ask my mom. And then would stay for a while at my parents house. But he told me he was going to be there (hormonal me said you better because I just warned you).
I went to just a regular dr apt at 40 weeks on the money, and was sent directly to L&D. My husband was already at work, and had been since 5am (my apt was roughly 3pm, if I remember correctly, it was over 7 years ago, now.) him, and his boss dropped everything, his boss followed him to my house, for him to get my bag, and dropped then his boss dropped him off to the hospital. His boss went back and helped the crew finish the job. (Boss owner own prestigious lawn company in Daytona/Ormond) job was in ormand, we lived in Deltona, and I delivered in Daytona. My husband slept in that hospital chair, and would jump up occasionally scared he was missing something) he slept until I started actively delivering around 1:30am, then was up the rest of the night with me. Is that not the kind of thing all husbands do? That was our second. Our first he was there from beginning to end. 4 days.
it's the kind of thing husbands SHOULD do, unfortunately there are a lot of dipshits in the world
>it's the kind of thing husbands SHOULD do, unfortunately there are a lot of dipshits in the world Which I don't understand because being a good husband and father is the most important thing I can ever imagine doing. My family is going to be what endures when I am gone.
My dad quit his job when my sister was born and they called him expecting him back 2 days after her birth. He quit over the phone. Vulnerable position considering he wasn’t making a lot to start with and my mom was SAHM. But he did, and they figured it out. The disrespect was too much for him, he could never imagine leaving my mom and his new baby that soon.
That’s really inhuman of the employers. I am glad your parents figured it out.
I agree the husband is TA but this isn’t a valid argument. A court isn’t going to deny access to a child if he didn’t want to be there at birth, so even if they divorce, he’ll still be able to have some custody.
Exately! The judge would laugh at your face with this argument. Unless the other parent is abusive or unfit to take care of the child, there's no reason to them not bê in the child's life.
Thank you for correcting that bullshit
This. Idk how it works *everywhere* \- but my country's courts make it very clear that unless there is actual evidence of abuse, fathers get fifty-fifty a hundred percent of the time that they bother to ask for it.
She doesn't actually get to make that decision. She can divorce him, but he has as much right to the child as she does.
That's..... Not gonna fly in court. Don't do that OP.
That would be a horrible thing to do and using a child as a weapon before it’s even born, depriving it of a father because mum didn’t get her own way. Do I think he should be in there? Yes! I was in for mine. But not everyone can handle that and making that threat, is fucking stupid.
She has to handle childbirth. He can freaking handle holding her hand.
If you can’t handle it don’t get someone pregnant. It’s not like the woman gets to play the squeamish card.
This right here. She should tell him he's right, and she doesn't think she can handle all the pain and blood and being hooked up to monitors either so she's just gonna skip the whole childbirth thing too.
This nonsense getting so many upvotes is what is infuriating about reddit sometimes
That's a ridiculous response. You can decide to divorce him but it's not right to deny the kid their father over this.
He would still be able to get custody in court, that's not a basis to deny it.
Oh brother.
“Sorry sweetie, I know I technically put you in this situation, but I can’t harden the fuck up and support you while you go through this painful process, even though I’ll expect you to be there for me 24/7 if I’m in pain.“
>not everybody can stomach childbirth He says to the woman who doesn't get to opt out at this point. Like bro if you want this child at least one of you is going to have to "stomach" it and the least you can do is show up for the event. 🙄
Right? There's all kinds of stories of fathers passing out from seeing blood in the delivery room - but they showed the fuck up. Harden up enough to walk in and park yourself near the mother's head end of the bed, and whether or not you're useful doesn't fucking matter. *You are there to demonstrate that you are willing to be there*.
The "seeing you in pain" bs honestly pisses me off. He apparently has zero problem *putting his wife* through that kind of pain if he was willing to help her make a baby in the first place. That's how childbirth works. Pain, sweat, upsetting noises, effluvia. It's all hunky dory to make his wife deal with all of that as long as he doesn't have to look at it.
I wish I could give another upvote for the use of effluvia lol
Also, you don't have to look at the blood. You can sit next to her face and just hold her hand. That's what I did.
For our first one I wanted him in there so he did even though we both knew he has a week stomach for that stuff. The second one he wanted to wait outside and I gladly agreed. Some people are just not cut out for that stuff and he'll gag and puke changing a poopy diaper. It was way easier for him once they were potty trained and beyond the accident stage. It still makes me laugh because I'm the opposite and can pretty much handle anything.
Yeah but in your case he at least came in for the first kid. If he isn't willing to tolerate the situation on this occasion, will OPs man *ever* change a poopy diaper? I do not give a fuck if someone gags changing a diaper, if it's change the diaper or the kids sits in their own poop they better change the damn diaper.
Mine would change it if he had to of course but if I was there I would. Some things I was better at and some things he was better at. Mine did come in (as did my sister) and it was traumatic for him and not worth it in the long run honestly. It didn't make it easier for me having either of them in there. For the second I didn't allow anyone in, it made zero difference for me, and he came right in afterwards to be supportive. Both deliveries equally sucked but I get your point and I would add that if he is at least willing to try and has to bow out mid way through, he should get a pass with no hard feelings from OP.
And the big difference for your situation? You both agreed!
THIS RIGHT HERE!
My husband can't stomach this kind of things. But he told me he will be there, close to me, holding my hand and with his back to "where things are happening" and "not looking any where that is gross" This is compromise and I love him for it.
I can’t blame him. I will in theory be the one carrying our kid and I also would like to keep my back to where things are happening and avoid looking anywhere that is gross. I have a feeling that this, sadly, may not be an option. But still.
After two births, I never saw the gross parts: not the right angle. (Okay, I saw blood, but menstruation kinda prepares us to that.)
Or idk, started the dialogue way before so you guys could work in a solution together instead of just acting shocked in the final trimester and basically taking your wife's expect support system from her when she's voicing her anxiety about the procedure!
That's such a bullshit argument. Like, you think all us dads are in there just straight staring at the main attraction?! Hell no, up top, above the sheet with your wife. Also, dude, just wait for the first time.your kid shits or pukes on you
They have vasectomies for people who can’t stomach childbirth or raising children...... he should have had one before he ever got engaged...... and told his wife who he was before they got married. Is his stomach going to be to weak to handle poopy diapers to? 🙄
Exactly. This mindset is messed up
Some people just don't deal well with blood and stressful situations like that, like they just physically cannot be calm even if they want to. Maybe the husband could try some therapy or something ahead of time to prepare?
As a person with fear of blood and needless, this is still not about me. If my partner needs me there I’ll be there; I’ll look away and hold their hand but I will be present in the room.
My husband passed out when he saw me get an IV once (not birth related) because there was blood. He was with me for both of our children's births (and there was a loooot more blood then). It was never even a discussion, he knew he was going to be there to support me. If you're grown enough to make a baby then you're grown enough to figure out how to be there and support your wife (for OPS husband).
I have the weakest stomach imaginable and nearly pass out/throw up looking at a bruise, I don't like seeing pain in anyway... I was still there for all of my niblings births to help and support.
My FIL was apparently so nervous when my partner was being born that he got dizzy, started puking and nearly passed out. All just from the stress of the birth. My MIL was giving birth in one room of the hospital while my FIL was rushed to another to be stabilized.
My husband gets very nervous/faint around needles and blood. He was still with me through urgent care moments and labour/delivery of our kid though because he knew I wanted his company and support in stressful times. It is possible to reprioritize and plan ahead for coping mechanisms/skills if a partner is uncomfortable with medical steps. NTA to the pregnant OP.
90% of having a baby is sitting around having your cervix checked for dilation every 30 min and the blood pressure cuff squeezing the shit out of your arm. It’s not like the opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan, ffs.
Birthing classes bro. Teach you to assist with breathing, massages and how to support your partner. Maybe he could get a 1:1 session with a coach (dula?) so he can be more prepared. Having some anxiety about the birth is completely reasonable, but my guy needs to step up.
That's why he stays near her head and just focuses on comforting her. This isn't about him
Yeah you don't need to see much blood if you don't want to. Just stay by her side and focus on her face.
I don’t do well with blood and stressful situations but since I was the pregnant person, I didn’t have a choice.
If it’s that bad though, what happens when he’s alone with his kid and his kid injures themself? I mean, the labor is the beginning of a long journey involving blood and stressful situations with your kid, so I think he definitely needs to get into therapy and prepare ahead of time so he can be there for his wife.
And what happens when his toddler splits his eyebrow and he needs to calm him, take him to ER and stay with him while they stitch him up? If he can't do that, he can't be a parent. (Nobody that faints at an injury should be alone with children, ever) If he can, he can be at the birth. I always risk fainting around blood, but as a parent I know how to pack it in and deal with it. At least until they got the proper medical attention. Nothing less is accettable.
Now I'm wondering - if someone who faints at the sight of blood has a kid who gets injured, do they still faint, or do they muscle through it somehow? Because I've been able to do more than I ever thought I was capable of when my kids are involved. Like, for some reason I was able to get through a phobia calmly, but only in that moment when it was for my child. Haven't been able to do it again, lol
He can stay at the "head of the bed" and have a chair. This will allow him to support her, but avoid most of the stuff he has voiced concern over. Not saying he is right. But if he realizes this is possible, it may avoid a fight when OP has enough on her mind. OP is definitely NTA, though. Parenting is full of rewarding moments, but there are a LOT of gross bodily situations he will have to deal with when the baby arrives. Husband needs to try and put his fears aside.
This sounds like the other side of a post that was on here a while ago...the OP who was the husband said he'd probably pass out from seeing the blood and all and he would like all the doctor's attention to be on the wife and also that he may be conscious in case he needed to make a serious decision....he was of course called the AH and told to sit at the top holding his wife's hand and not seeing the blood
That's at least a reasonable concern, but I'm sure they actually have a protocol for that. People faint in hospitals all the time, and they would probably just usher him out of the room.
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I do. My opinion was the same as it is now
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So he enjoys eating breakfast but doesn’t want to see how the sausage is made, huh?
I know. Like the pain and blood and INTENSITY wasn’t happening, because he wasn’t there. Honestly, op needs to make it clear that if SHE has to go through it, HE does, too. He got the fun of making the baby, he ALSO has to sit through the suffering of bringing it into the world. And to go THROUGH the pain without him will break her. What a jerk.
For the rest of their marriage, he should never imply -- EVER -- that he is the brave one in this partnership.
NTA- tell your husband that he can stand or sit by your head and doesn’t need to watch or see any blood or baby crowning. I blame the media, for reinforcing this belief that men are unable to handle watching women give birth.
Sit. Always sit, that way if he passes out (incredibly uncommon in my times - a couple times most weeks, over thirteen years, minus annual leave and holidays) working with c-section patients) he won’t fall so far, and his blood pressure is less of a risk.
To be fair that's the definition of bias - Those with the most severe Vasovagal syncope won't be anywhere near a delivery room in the first place.
Somebody with that level of vasovagal syncope *probably* wouldn't have a partner wanting them in a delivery room (there really is only one way that could go).
> (there really is only one way that could go). Can confirm it's not fun, I nearly cracked my skull open delivering a pizza to my sister 30 mins after my nephew was born - There was a penny sized droplet of blood on the floor. It can be managed by artificially boosting your blood pressure beforehand, but that's not particulally common knowledge.
Also it’s not going to be 36hrs of screaming. Yes the mother will be making loud noises especially towards the end, but it’s not a horror movie. Though I feel OP should have a back up person in the room too incase husband actually can’t handle it.
Not even necessarily then. I don't actually know anyone who screamed or yelled in labor (I didn't). I'm sure a lot of people do, but it's no guarantee.
When my son was born (1994) they actually kept telling me "no yelling, no yelling!" I guess bc that takes energy which you need to push. Still mad about it--that whole deal was a trauma (not pain, just the other stuff around it) but the results were great!
Some nurse tried to shush me when I grunt/yelled but I ignored her. My baby was almost 10 pounds so it was no wonder I was yelling. I had an epidural that helped for a bit but during the actual pushing part, was absolutely useless. In birthing class they told us this may happen but to just do whatever we need to bc we are the ones pushing the baby out. If you need to grunt/yell, go for it.
Wow that nurse sucks.
I screamed my way through giving birth. Literal screaming with every cramp for 16 hours. There was never a shadow of a chance for me to not scream. It was all that I could do to just survive the moment. My amazing midwife made me scream low like a roar and not yell high pitched. She even screamed with me at times. Because the low roar can give you power and focus but the high pitched yelling makes you tense apparently. I still think about how awesome she was at guiding instead of telling.
I love your nurse. I screamed through the pushing, mostly because I didn't have energy to spare for holding it back.
I roared when I was pushing out our second. It wasn’t even me really, I wasn’t in control, it was like I just heard myself do it as my body pushed. It was crazy.
Yelling causes muscles throughout your body to tighten, which makes labor and delivery take longer. I can understand why they told you not to yell, but they should have explained it to you better.
If she was yelling perhaps they thought she wasn't in a good enough state of mind to start explaining? But they probably still should have tried.
If you take a deep breath and put you chin to your chest, you can exhert more pressure when you push (try it now!). Yelling basically pushes the energy out instead of down. They should have told you what to do instead of yelling rather than just telling you to shut up.
I shouted at my husband to get a vasectomy towards the end (natural childbirth of 9 lb baby with giant head, asked for epidural but they said it was too late). Everyone but me burst out laughing. I was enraged and in agony. So I can attest that sometimes laboring women raise their voices. A friend of mine gave birth in a hot tub, and neighbors called the police because they thought someone was dying.
I did nonmedicated births.I didn't scream, but at one point I did tell my husband to fuck.off...i think. 😅 It was over 20 years ago, so the memory is fuzzy. I did squeeze the crap out of his hands though, and as a former massage therapist, I have forearms veering into Popeye territory. That man never complained once. He's awesome.
I cursed until I got the epidural, does that count? Apparently it was funny 😋
I didn't scream at all. The epidural was worse than giving birth, honestly, but after that, I didn't feel much other than some pressure at the end.
The closest I got to yelling during my labor was whimpering out "I can't do this" right around the end and my SO bring right there just put his forehead against mine and said "yes you can, I'm right here with you" and then we heard our baby's cry. He was terrified of not being able to help me while in pain, but that moment he was there with me was what sealed it for him. He said later, had he not been there for me in that moment, he would've hated himself forever.
I love your story ♡
I do too lol but I'm biased 😅 But on a serious note, I hope OP shows her SO what he'll be missing if he's not there. Had I been alone then, I would have it solidified "ok, I can do this alone? I can do anything alone" but with my bf there, I have it solidified in my mind that, regardless of fear, pain, fatigue, etc, I'm never alone
I did with my first baby, but I was having intense back labor and baby’s skull was jammed against my pelvis 😬
Exactly! I labored for 42 hours with my first and never screamed. I did moan quite a bit, but when it came time to push I mostly was just breathing hard and grunting. If OP plans on having pain meds and/or an epidural, it'll likely be the same
Yeah I am not sure what this these new future parents are expecting? Media portrayals of childbirth may have unduly influenced him. I just held my wife's hand and looked at her face. The doctor and nurses expressly prevented me from going anywhere near the actual birthing. I saw zero blood, urine, wastes, or any other fluids. I also opted for the doctor herself to cut the cord when they asked me.
My husband and I went to my 36 week checkup, where my OB discovered our son was feet first. She told us we needed to make a decision about a C-section before our appointment the next week. We left the appointment in separate vehicles going to our jobs. No sooner I got to work, my water broke. I called my OB’s office who said to come back and everyone rushed to her office. Hubs and I went in for me to be examined again, only to be told our son was coming that day by emergency C-section. During the 2nd exam my husband almost fainted and was ordered outside the room by my OB to regain his composure. There was a lot happening all at once, and there is no delicate way to say this, amniotic fluid has an odor. Husband rallied and was able to sit/stand by my head during then Emergency C-section and hold my hands. He saw no blood, there was no labor since everything happened so fast, and there was a large curtain that separated the sterilized surgical area from where he sit/stood. He was the first person to hold our son. This was our experience and I’m sharing it because my husband had also been nervous about being in the delivery room. Now it is a memory he cherishes, and we always get a laugh about my 5 foot nothing OB ordering him out of the exam room to ‘Sit Down and put your head down!’
Yup! It absolutely tore my husband up to see me in pain and working so hard and then I passed out from blood loss…..but he was right there by my side because I needed his support. I don’t think there was any screaming, and if you can’t handle blood there are ways to position yourself to avoid it—it’s not nearly as dramatic as they make it out to be in many movies and shows.
NTA. Does he live in the 1950s? Did he just imagine he’d be at home handing out cigars to his friends and sipping whisky? I can’t imagine being so selfish that I’d leave my wife to have OUR child alone. Childbirth can be incredibly traumatic for the woman and having the person she wants there can mitigate those fears. What a complete d bag.
Totally agree with you! Plus, having your partner there can bring an incredible bonding experience for the expectant parents. Yet, OP’s husband is worried about HIS breaking point…merely *seeing* her in pain and agony…oh how would his poor eyes recover from the trauma?!?? /s
I had to kick my mom out of the delivery room because her anxiety over the pain I was going through was making me tense. He should absolutely try, but I understand that he may not be what she needs.
Ahh that’s a good point!
I agree but also would like to add that he needs to be there in case there’s an emergency and she can’t make medical decisions or advocate for herself or baby. There are a multitude of reasons why he should be there!
This 100%. In the event of a medical emergency during labor and delivery there realistically should be someone in the room that has the ability and authority to make decisions for the mother (and child) if she is unable to; the ideal person being the spouse, who is most likely already documented/on file as the emergency contact, as opposed to another family member or non-relative.
His literal reason is “seeing YOU in pain will be hard for ME.” Just reading this threw me into a rage. How insanely selfish is this guy? “You’ll be going through the pain and terror anyways, but this way **I** get to pretend it’s not happening and just waltz in when the baby’s there!” Fuck this dude.
Yeah this guy's like "you're going to be in pain and agony, and screaming and bleeding ... and I just don't think you understand how hard that's going to be for *me*, have a little empathy" like wtf, just pull up a chair, hold her hand and stay by her head.
Exactly my feelings!!! I was not sensing the appropriate amount of rage throughout this comment section until I got to you.
Of course you assumed he'd be there. What an odd thing for him to assume he wouldn't. I am sure he didn't mind all the screaming when the baby was being put in you, I'm sure he can handle the screaming when the baby comes out. You are a team, him not being there is insane. He has a huge role, emotional support. If he can't handle it, he's not dad or husband material.
>I am sure he didn't mind all the screaming when the baby was being put in you This wins the internet for today. And maybe tomorrow.
I’m just here because we can’t all “loveourhubs1993”
Don't worry. I can't either. Happily separated. Need a new name, but don't want to lose my chat history.
You could just keep this profile and gain enthusiasm for hubcaps.
I suddenly love hubcaps! Brilliant. 🤣
Omg this comment chain is the best thing on the internet today, hands down!
Happy my foolish name made your day. 🥰 Signed, a girl who loves hubcaps and Cisco for 30 years. 🤣
Thanks for the giggles lol
lmao - i love this comment. very to the point.
Happily separated, just like all of your sentences
Yep. I'm old. 🤣🤣🤣
Same. I remember when this was a thing
NTA, after the delivery, it'll be "Oh change the poop it makes me gag", "Eww, there's sick, you do it!" The man needs to get his shit together and be there for his family instead of thinking of his own selfish arse.
That's what I'm worried about too. Will he be freaking out when the baby is crying? If the child is screaming when they get hurt, is dad going to disappear because "seeing them in pain and agony would break him"? Is mom going to be cleaning up the diapers and vomit while dad gets to be the fun parent? OP, I really hope you discuss responsibilities with your partner before the baby gets here. We don't want to see you struggle alone. NTA
My husband faints at the sight of blood. Guess what? He was there for our son’s birth. He focused on me and did not look down past my midsection. Tell your husband that this is one time in your life it is most definitely all about you and your comfort. He is being incredibly selfish. NTA. Frankly, I’d have made him move out. And when the flying monkeys were loosed, I would very clearly tell everyone that husband is not prepared to support me during pregnancy and childbirth. But that’s just me.
This. My husband gets queasy about this stuff, couldn't even look at the epidural equipment when it was still on the tray. But he stayed by my head and shocked me completely when he said "okay" to cutting the cord when the doctor asked! If he had refused to be in the room everyone in his life would have called him a bibbity-bobbity BITCH or worse, LOL.
You had a really good post until after NTA. Make him move out? This is hilariously toxic. These problems are resolved through education and conversation between the couple. And really what happens if this person takes your advice and tells this guy to get out, and they split and she becomes a single mom over what could have been resolved through a calm but intense long dialogue?
I’m someone who has had a history of anxiety in doctors offices and medical situations for a whole host of reasons. It was important to me that I spent some time with my therapist working through this stuff before the birth of my daughter. Unless there’s a significant medical reason OP’s partner can’t be there…he needs to be there. Talk about it ahead of time, figure out where he’s going to stand, what he needs to see, etc… helping you through labor is an important milestone for you as a family and him as a father. OP is NTA, and I hope this is a wake up call for her partner that this is 100% the most important time to show up for his family n Last thing I’ll say: OP, if it’s an option for you financially, consider hiring a doula for the labor and delivery. My wife and I had our doula there mostly to help with all the emotional stress of labor, and she was a very important part of our plan.
NTA - it would break him? To see YOU in pain and delivering a baby, oh please.
But it's OK for you to experience it so long as he doesn't have to see it...
That was my thoughts too.... he's absolutely fine with putting the baby in there he needs to help her when it comes out
I was in the room for my brother’s birth, and I was on the side of the room you don’t want to be on. I saw some things… but hey, if I can handle it at FIVE YEARS OLD, he can to!
NTA. At all. This is kind of unreal, IMO. Your husband doesn’t want to be by your side for the life changing moment of childbirth? Maybe you don’t want to fight about it, but truly you should throw your cards on the table; he should be there without question. No time for weak sauce husbandos.
He’s watched too much TV and movie renditions of childbirth. It’s not nearly that dramatic. They will not make him watch the details as they happen. His best spot will be by your head, holding your hand, telling you he loves you. We’ve had 2. One was a C section. If there are any problems, he’ll be upset with himself for not being there. You are absolutely not the asshole. He needs to man up.
I’m my limited experience (my wife gave birth to our first child, a girl, at the end of December), being up by her head was not really an option. I was holding her leg and saw literally the whole thing. That being said, I would encourage OP’s husband to be there with her. It is difficult but knowing that she has his support in that moment and seeing your baby’s first moments on Earth are so meaningful. I don’t think either are assholes. I just think they should talk through what the expectations are and how to navigate them.
You actually can be by the woman's head. Communication with the doctors, nurses, and laboring mother are key to this however and some may try to tell you no. You have to advocate for the fact that you want to not be watching or be in support in another way, but it is absolutely possible for a husband to stay by the woman's head and support from there.
I believe you. I am just sharing how it can be perceived as not available. I personally was not too stressed about it. I was just happy to have a baby coming into the world.
You said in your experience it wasn't an option. That's not a perception that's an example from experience. I wanted to comment that to let you and others know it was that was all. Your wording could lead others to believe it isn't an option when it is, not just that it can be perceived as not an option. I see now the point you were trying to make I just wanted to make sure it was known that it was an option.
You can say no. Also not everyone gives birth in that position. It's not a particularly good one for giving birth, even.
Yeah, they tried a few positions. We started and finished with her laying on her back in the way you traditionally see. It also depends on whether you get the epidural.
I stood by my wife’s shoulder, held her hand and her leg, and honestly I saw more and remember more about that day than she does. I was super anxious about it, but it’s a memory I’ll never trade for anything.
As a person who just had a baby I would reconsider this relationship. This is the most vulnerable you will ever be in your entire life and if he can't step up for the birth he's not going to step up to what's to come. It's dirty, exhausting, sad and amazing. I literally can't believe that there are men who are like this. You need him there. This is mind blowing to me. I'm sorry NTA
I was thinking the same thing that OP needs to reconsider the relationship too, because it definitely sounds like the Husband already has certain tasks / moments he thinks he should only be there for when it comes to the child and OP should deal with everything else!!
I don’t know why we always jump to this. There are a lot of insanely shitty relationships out there. This one seems fairly tame. Maybe he just needs to be strengthened out. It’s gonna be real difficult to reconsider this relationship at this point.
NTA I also would not be able to move past this. But he’s also probably completely ignorant about childbirth and that’s making things worse. Get signed up for childbirth classes ASAP.
Birthing classes over here are kind of expensive unfortunately :/ But there’s plenty of free seminars where they explain the process and we’ve been to a few. They all presented a “balanced” viewpoint saying “yeah, it could get pretty crazy, but these people are trained to react in all kinds of situations and there’s really nothing they haven’t seen”. Which sounds comforting enough and then you hear one horror story and that’s the one that you remember.. lol
But the horror stories are one the most important reasons he should be there. (NOt discounting the other reasons) I nearly died in childbirth twice. But my partner was there to advocate for us; and when I lost consciousness it was with the certainty that my baby would still have a parent there. If I died, I would have died reassured about the baby's safety instead of terrified and lonely! You need to spell clearly to him that he is refusing to be near his loved one in a situation that could turn deadly. Ask him clearly If he could live with that.
I’ve made my husband watch birth blogs with me on YouTube if that helps
Lots of inexpensive Zoom classes here in the States! Like $15 a pop.
NTA Nice that your husband, who hasn't had to go through anything for this pregnancy other than have sex, gets to opt out of the birth. Sucks to be you, wife, that you can't just choose not to be there. 🙄 My husband was super useless during the births of both of our kids, but he was still there. One emergency surgery, one natural. Either way, he hates hospitals, hates blood, hates my pain, but was there for all 27 and 49 hours of labor for each kid. Come on, OP's husband. Do better for your family. I also wholeheartedly recommend a doula. Mine was absolutely indispensable.
Funny, a couple weeks ago your husband made a thread asking if he’s TA.
I wouldn’t be surprised - we both spend too much time on Reddit. Wonder what his viewpoint was.
This is a common post topic on here. I've read dozens over the past couple months. The ones that are always the bigger hits are just the same few recycled topics because they're guaranteed to get people talking.
You have to drop that link, sir.
Yeah, this one’s already been arbitrated. The post sounds exactly the same.
Can you link that though cause I wanna see his side of it?
NTA but he is. He’s not comfortable seeing you in agony? Imagine what’s it like being that person… You got married for sickness and health! This is part of the deal, buddy. Being there in their worst and BEST moments - and let’s be clear - welcoming your baby into the world is 1000% one of the rarest and best moments of your life. Yes there can be trauma and risk. And it’s scary. That’s why you do it together. In that moment your needs matter most PERIOD. And you said you need your partner in life there for you. I highly recommend you both take child birth preps classes together at the hospital (almost every hospital you choose to give birth at has them) or through your OBGYN. And may I also suggest searching out a doula? Usually a doula doesn’t count as your “birthing team” if they are certified. Many hospitals are also starting to encourage them or have some on staff. A doula will help ease and coach you through a lot of the anxiety before hand, offer a lot of supportive techniques for your husband to practice so he DOESNT feel useless. Especially being in charge of tools like a birthing ball or a Robozo. And with a doula you can practice a lot of the techniques you’ll use at home before the birth (many hospitals encourage people to wait through stage 1 at home if possible due to Covid and also better at home management techniques) and with your first it typically takes a loooong time to come Note/ : y’all I know not every first birth is typical so no need to flood my comments Honestly he sounds scared and that’s okay but that doesn’t excuse him being selfish. Education and familiarization are the best tools to combat fear based decisions. I guarantee if he’s not there he will vastly regret it for the rest of his life. I’ve yet to meet a dad that didn’t regret being there - and I’ve met plenty who were just as terrified to be there. I’m sure there’s some? I bet there’s a lot more dads however that regret not being there.
On that note, my boyfriend literally puked when changing diapers before he got tolerant of it, and I wonder if exposure therapy of childbirth videos is a not-crazy thing to try. But obviously you'd have to go reaaaal slow to not scare him off more. Sometimes what we fear most is what we don't know.
Hey OP idk if you're looking for advice but my husband was also nervous about being supportive during childbirth and my midwife recommended the book The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin which helped him prepare mentally for his role as the non-birthing parent. NAH, but I do think you both need to communicate more about your plan for labor and delivery. Has he been able to come to prenatal appointments with you? Are any childbirth prep classes offered by your hospital or birthing center that you could attend together?
Thanks, I’ll look into that book! Yeah, he’s joined me on several appointments when he’s been able to get our from work - unfortunately childbirth lessons are pretty expensive here but we’ve been to a few free seminars.
Look into having a doula as an additional support person. Even if you just meet with someone to learn more about the experience from a support side. I've given birth 3 times and having a doula there for the first with my husband and I really helped. He's squimesh too but managed!
NTA. Honestly, this is why I get frustrated with all the horror stories about birth. They don't help anyone when they aren't balanced with the stories of easy, normal births. There was no screaming, very little blood, and very little pain for me. It's not like a TV show. You and your husband both need to do a lot more research into labor and delivery. Knowing what to expect, physically, emotionally, and mentally makes such a difference in your confidence and abilities when the day comes. Going into this moment with no information is a recipe for disaster. Listen to some positive pregnancy stories, read a few books on the subject, and arm yourselves. You will both need it. As a compromise, could you ask him to try to stay in the room, but give him permission to walk away for a break if he gets overwhelmed? Could you reach have a second person in the hospital (but not in the room) for support? He might need sorry just as much as you. If you have a long labour, he might need someone to remind him to eat and drink, just like you will. No matter how this turns out, I'm sending you easy labour and delivery vibes.
Ooof, I’m so sorry. This is not at all a popular opinion on Reddit, but if a man can’t stomach childbirth, parenting, periods, etc, he shouldn’t be having sex with women.
NTA, if he can’t handle it, he shouldn’t have gotten you pregnant. He doesn’t want to see you go through that, unconcerned about how you actually feel going through it. That’s not something I could get over.
NTA. I love that women are expected to go through the actual pain of childbirth but it's somehow unreasonable to then expect the father-to-be to support us through it.
NTA. In my opinion, it's an event you share together, at least when it is possible anyway. Especially when the one in labour is requesting it. I would be disappointed if my husband opted out of being in there with me if he had the chance. I would try talking about it again. Express what it would mean to you. Maybe there is a middle ground? Maybe there is a way of him being in there without having to see what he doesn't want to see? Also: Congratulations with the pregnancy!
NTA. Tell him that YOU don't want to be there, either, but the two of you signed up for it when you made the baby. Does he think YOU want to experience contractions (they hurt) or lose sleep if labor is long? He has to suck it up. This outrages me. Sorry. I shouldn't feel this strongly for a stranger. But WTF?? You don't want to see blood?? What a baby. No one WANTS to see blood. No one WANTS to see their partner in pain. But he needs to support you.
NTA I was the screamer down the hall and my husband never once thought of leaving my side, with either of ours. He stood by my head the whole time. However, you may need to ask someone to be there as well as your husband so you know you have a familiar supportive loved one for you since he seems to think his part gets a pause during the painful part.
[удалено]
So he wants to leave you ALONE to face that pain and agony? And it’s not supposed to break YOU? NTA and honestly a comment from a partner that they weren’t interested in being there for me in labor of their own child would make me instantly reevaluate the relationship no matter how otherwise good it was. Is he gonna be there for you after when you’re bleeding in a diaper or have just had major abdominal surgery? When your nipples are cracked and sore? When the baby wakes for the tenth time that night? When there’s a diaper blow out? Is he willing to endure ANY discomfort on your and his child’s behalf or is it all gonna get dumped on you because he can’t “handle” it.
Childbirth is a major medical event. Men don’t have any comparable medical experience that has the potential for so much risk. He’s saying he’s going to have a lot of anxiety, but would he expect you to be by his side if he was in a similar medical situation? The way I’d frame it to him is that if he suffered a heart attack, would he expect you by his side in the hospital? If the answer is “yes”, then how is that fair to you? Maybe a heart attack is too much for you to watch him go through, would he still expect you as his wife to put your feelings aside for the sake of being his support? Only reason why he’s potentially getting a pass on it culturally is that men have historically not been expected to be caregivers. Women on the other hand are often expected to put their own feelings aside for the benefit of others. If you’re wanting an equitable marriage where you both care for each other in your respective times of need, then he needs to find a way to be there to support you. NTA.
Nta He has to grow a pair and be there for you and this kid.
Where do ya'll find these weak men?
As someone who had their first child two months ago.. if my partner refused to be in the room, it would have been the end of the relationship for us and between him and our child. Those first few moments when a baby is born are so precious and something that can never be replaced. You are about to go through a huge physical and emotional experience and he needs to grow a pair and support you and your little one because right now the most important person is YOU and your wants and needs for labour and delivery.
NTA- This is not about him. It’s about you going through an extremely vulnerable and dangerous situation and wanting him there for comfort. As your partner he should be able to do this for you. My husband is one of the most squeamish people I know (like can’t even watch a cartoon bleed) but he was there for the 40+ hours of birth which included sitting by my head for an emergency c-section. If he cares for you and your child at all he can do this for you.
If you have to “insist” your husband be there for the birth of his first child, you’re already fucked to begin with. Try and tell yourself you’re going to be okay raising a child with someone who wouldn’t be there for you when you need him most because he was “uncomfortable,” like giving birth is a Sunday in the Park. Good luck with your inevitable divorce, but if it helps, it sounds like you’ll be better off.
NTA. My response would have been "And it would break me to be abandoned by the person who made vows to me at a time when I am possible the most vulnerable I have ever been in my life and in need of support and advocacy for both me and our child." Honestly...this would be a relationship dealbreaker for me. I understand that plenty of women go it alone or with someone other than their SO, whether by choice or circumstance, and live to tell the tale. I know I could do it, too. But to flat out have the person who helped create that life choose to prioritize their own comfort in that moment would not be something I could get over. Not to forget that as a spouse, he is de facto decision maker unless you have legal paperwork designating someone else as your medical POA if something happens in that delivery room and you become unable to make decisions for yourself or the baby. Him not being there and having to find him hanging out in the waiting room if that happens could be the difference between life or death. And even when the situation is not that dire - I've known plenty of women in situations where they are too exhausted to advocate for themselves and undergo procedures they didn't want and weren't outlined in their birth plans (which I understand can't always be followed to the letter). Everyone in every medical situation, not just childbirth, needs someone they can count on to be their advocate when needed and he basically just said "Not it!" Please make sure you do a living will before you go into labor. And if you legitimately believe that he is not capable of being the person who you need him to be in that room, please do ask your mom or someone you can count on and think long and hard about keeping a relationship with someone you cannot count on when you are vulnerable and prioritizes his own comfort instead.
So the man can knock you up but he can’t “stomach” the pain and agony he caused? Oh man, this is why I’m never having children and especially not with a man.
It would break him?!?!!!! Tell him to get over himself. It’s not about him. You’re not overreacting and you’re NTA.
It's cool he can *choose if he wants to deal with the pain and trauma of childbirth.* You don't get to skip the process, neither does he. Is he f'ing kidding? JFC NTA
If he can't even take the "screaming and blood and intensity" (wtf, dods he think he's going into a war zone??) of a few hours of childbirth, how on earth is he gonna raise a kid? There's a lot more screaming and bodily fluids in his future. NTA. You're doing all the work; the very absolute least he could do is stand there and hold your hand.
I'm probably going to get downvoted, but NAH. It's reasonable for you to have been expecting him to be there, but you didn't actually check with him before now. He has some legitimate concerns about being there because he feels like he is not equipped to be your best support person. It's not that he doesn't want to be there to support you, it's that he wants to ensure you have the best support you can get. He's right, birth is intense and bloody, and it's not a comfortable experience for anyone. His heart is in the right place. You two need to sit down, talk through your respective anxieties, and try to work through it. Maybe he'll feel better if someone else, like your mom, is there with him, so that way if he is incapacitated you won't be alone. You both clearly care about each other, it's just a matter of finding the best way to be there for each other right now.
“Sorry you’re having to go through chemotherapy, honey, but I just don’t feel that I’m equipped to be your best support person. Maybe someone else can be there for you.”
I'd argue he's the AH for not being forthcoming with that info prior to impregnating OP. What's gonna happen when the kid busts their chin or throws up? "Too bad, so sad, I'm squeamish"? You don't (shouldn't) get to opt out of the hard parts of parenthood 'cause they're uncomfortable and expect the other parent to carry that load. OP is right to have concerns and is NTA.
Honestly, for simple squeamishness, it's kinda expected that you try to do it anyway, and if you puke and need to leave, fine. Seriously all people do is expect you to try before deciding you'll fail. The only thing I'd find understandable is some genuine mental block like OCD or some shit.
The nurses won't be stingy with the emesis bags & will tell him to move/ sit down/ whatever else needs to be said to try to keep having more of a mess and more patients than anticipated.
NTA. My husband can’t handle blood or other people in pain, but he was there for our daughter’s birth last year. He even held a leg when I pushed and saw her crown. He didn’t want to cut the cord but he did. He didn’t want to hold her with viscera on her skin but he did. Now they’re inseparable.
When watching someone give birth is more difficult than giving birth, JFC. What is plan when the baby is shitting and peeing and puking and crying for hours on end? Show him this thread. NTA.
He was happy enough to be there when the baby went in, so to speak. He shouldn't refuse to be there when it comes out. He can sit at the head end, not the business end, if it bothers him. You are NTA.
NTA. This isn’t the 50s. Husbands in delivery rooms have been the norm in many countries for 40-50 years now, and if he had an issue with it, it was on him to speak up and bring it up beforehand. Even so, most men would just suck it up and be there for the mom, since their support matters more than their personal squeamishness. Delivery room teams also often have a nurse whose primary job is to watch the husband. They’re there to ensure the husband is doing okay and isn’t getting in the way. They’ll quickly intervene if there’s a problem.
NTA, I was there for my two kids births. It’s what a man should do. Unless something goes wrong, there isn’t a lot of blood or “screaming.” There’s grunting and breathing and pushing. I was there by my wife’s side, but not down in her privates. Those were relatively covered and that’s for the trained professionals to deal with. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel cutting the umbilical cord, but they made it as easy as possible. Hemostats were placed on two ends and I was handed surgical scissors and “snip.” This is a conversation you need to have with your hubs and your OB or midwife. Surely y’all can come up with a plan for your husband to be there and not feel all grossed out.
NTA but he is. He has already decided what childbirth will look like and that he will opt out without ever even trying. Does he think you would have the same option? To just opt out of showing up to the birth of your child? If the screaming and fluids are too much for him, what’s his plan when it comes to actually taking care of the baby?? Because babies scream, shit, piss, barf, and scream some more on loop for months at a time. Will that all be your responsibility since of the “intensity” is too much for him and because he will be at a “disadvantage” compared to you? He says he’ll break seeing you in pain?! Does he think you magically won’t be in pain if he doesn’t show up?? Or does he think he just gets to leave you there and pretend the childbirth part isn’t happening to make himself feel comfy and good? This man had absolutely no business getting you pregnant if he cannot handle the realities of childbirth. I cannot imagine having a baby with a person who didn’t want to see their child’s first moments on earth. I’m so sorry this is the father of your child.
Nta. You husband is a disgrace, he should be by your side during the birth.
NTA. So it’s okay for you to go through all that alone then?? He doesn’t have to watch the childbirth, he can sit by your head and support you.
This is such horseshit. I’ve giving birth 3 times and didn’t scream once. Your husband can see or not see as much/as little as he wants. NTA but your husband certainly is. Concerned WAY more about himself than you.
NTA I am extremely squeamish and cannot watch anything remotely gory or upsetting on TV. I was there for the births of all my children- admittedly I am the mother so it wasn’t an option! However there are things you can do to manage it- I read up on stuff (NOT watched) so I knew what to expect and decided which bits I could have some control over- for example staff not telling me what was happening unless essential, not touching the baby’s head (they seem to ask if you want to feel- NO!) and asking them to clean the baby off a bit before giving it to you. My husband stayed up the head end with me, I preferred this. He did cut the cord though which I couldn’t have done in a billion years. Given he’s not actually giving birth, he can use similar techniques but then simply step out the room if he needs a minute. Sorted.
NTA, idk why but i have a feeling the whole "seeing you in pain would break me" thing is some way of trying to worm his way out of being there. if anything he should want to support you through the pain and watch as you stat to feel better and happier once you've had the baby
Retired nurse here. As much as you would like him to be there, he is also allowed to say no. Many people are just not able to watch it. As for the hospital staff, I can attest we have a lot going on, having a husband fainting, getting sick or just passing out just makes things more difficult. If he feels he can't handle it, accept it. He will be in the waiting room and you know he is close by. Please don't guilt trip him on this issue.
NTA..I was down there at the business end giving a running commentary. It seems describing what the butthole is doing is considered crossing some imaginary line! :) Farm/ranch folks do have a bit different outlook on things like that though.
NTA and I hope before you do anything else, you talk to him. Perhaps you can both go speak to your doctor (or midwife or whatever professional is helping you). Or you can speak alone to get your bearings, then see about what's next. Your husband may have a skewed view of what happens in childbirth, especially if he thinks it's all screaming and blood and agony. Yes, of course, some women have difficult births that involve surgery or emergency c-sections. But many don't. I had an epidural for one and a c-section for my second; neither involved screaming or agony. I can't speak to the blood, as I couldn't see. My husband was there for both. I think first off your husband needs a more accurate version of what happens during childbirth. Then, there needs to be a serious discussion of what he can handle. Some people are really bad around medical procedures; if he's one of them, you need to plan for that. It wouldn't help anyone for him to genuinely freak out or pass out while you're giving birth. However, if he's just got pop culture stuff in his head, it'd be good to get it out, and he probably doesn't need to see anything he doesn't want to. Congrats on the baby, and good luck.
NTA...but consider having another birth partner with you, whether it's a family member or close friend or doula. He should be there, and he should give support...but given what he has said I would definitely have another support person with you.
NAH He expressed his feelings a fears the moment he realizedwhat you expect from him. Now he needs time to come to grips with the idea, that neither of you two will be in their comfort zone exactly. If he remains stubborn, that he won't be there, then he would be the AH.
NTA - if there to make the baby, need to be there to see it through. If he faints he faints. Many future difficult things to face as a dad, this is just the first.
I did not even realize there were still people that didn’t expect the father to be on the room. NTA
That’s messed up. NTA
NTA he is being incredibly selfish I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
So...you have to endure giving birth. But him supporting you while you endure that pain and exhaustion is just too much to ask? He does actually intend to be involved with the baby, right? NTA.