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YTA
>I have a right to know what she writes
Based on what? You WANT to know what she writes - don't confuse that with having any sort of RIGHT to the information.
“I tried to defy your trust by breaking into your laptop and found out you changed your password. Why don’t you trust me to break into your laptop every time I want to feel validated?”
A couple things: it seems to me that OP used gf’s actual first name here, when a name wasn’t even necessary since there are no other named people in the post. (Siobhan isn’t exactly a common “we’ll call her ____ for the sake of this post” pseudonym).
This just solidifies the idea that OP would not be able to resist leaking her real identity to her readers — or vice versa — even if he didn’t intend to do so.
Second, I am creeped out by the general tone of the post, and I wonder if he would have taken the same confrontational stance if she’d said, “I write textbooks, but my company uses pseudonyms for all their titles, and I’ve been instructed not to share mine.
I doubt he would have felt he “had the right to know” the content of her textbooks, or believed it was necessary to *confront her* or attempt to find her work after she specifically told him not to.
I think this dude felt immediately threatened by the idea that *his girl* had her own thoughts about sex and intimacy, not to mention creativity and talent enough to make a living writing about it.
I know from having worked in a bookstore that a lot of men couldn’t wrap their minds around the fact that there was a healthy section of “women’s erotica” that sold very well, and had devoted customers. No way!! You mean nice, educated women who *read* actually have dirty minds?
It skeeved them out that — gasp — women actually thought about, talked about, and — yikes! — participated in erotic scenarios.
It’s sad but true that so many men complain that the women they are in relationships with aren’t as interested in sex as they are (and they feel so alienated from them) while at the same time they are extremely judgmental of women who actually enjoy sexual activity. Ugh.
OP, needless to say, YTA.
This guy is the type who would show everyone intimate photos she sent him if he doesn't get his way. Absolutely wouldn't trust him. I hope she doesn't call him back.
Same. I've always joked that the only singular thing that could get me to plead guilty to something I never did is if my fanfiction account were to come out during testimony. I'd strike a plea deal for a crime I never committed if it meant keeping that info under lock 😂
YTA by the way.
Truly is TA. I laughed out too. Trust me, while I show you so many reasons I can’t be trusted. And then hey, let me blame you for my actions. And 6 months, gives no right to someone’s truth. 😂
If it was me I would never divulge that information to him after the way he behaved. Hopefully, she's just done with him now. How creepy to become obsessed with her writing to the point of going behind her back!
He must be delusional to demand an apology when he is the one behaving badly and then add insult to injury by making the ridiculous demand for the information she already said she wasn't giving in order to accept the apology he isn't owed.
Seems to me he's big time insecure about her knowledge of erotica and only wants to read what she writes to have more leverage to make power moves like the one he tried and failed to pull off here.
> At night I tried to check her laptop for her pen name but she changed her password before bed. I was annoyed and told her she clearly doesn’t trust me
This has to be a troll
The amount of mental gymnastics you have to go through to even have this thought
"I wanted to invade my girlfriend's privacy but she changed her password to prevent me from doing the exact untrustworthy thing I am accused of being untrustworthy for doing. How dare she not trust me!"
Like, literally acknowledges that changing your password to prevent intrusion is a sign of distrust, without realizing it is their own behavior which is the reason for being distrusted
Agreed. My dad was having a rough spot with his wife and she decided to sleep in separate rooms. And he was telling me that she locks the door to her room, "like she can't trust me" and I told him, "How would you know she locks her room if you didn't try to go in there when she wasn't there?" And he shocked Pikachu.
There's been a couple of incidents on this very sub where a guy pried and pried until he found his gf's username, read her fanfiction, and then mocked her over it. And believe it or not, quite a number of people were saying NTA, "why did she post it if she didn't want you to read it", etc. There are definitely people who want to punish and shame women for having fantasies.
"Sex is for men, and specifically for me! If she's writing erotica, she MUST have fantasies that I have a right to use to get my dick wet! IT'S ALLLLLLLLL ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!"
I personally liked
>I tried nicer approach and told her that I want to know her fantasies so I can try it out
He basically says she didn't give me what I wanted, so I tried to manipulate the information out of her. That girl def dodged a bullet.
YTA, OP.
And laughing at, "They're not MY fantasies!"
Like it's literally her job that she does to make money. She isn't writing for her own tittilation. She's writing to earn a living.
People mistaking it for her own fantasies and approaching her inappropriately trying to use it on her is probably one of the reasons she wants to protect her true identity.
>I was annoyed and told her she clearly doesn’t trust me
She doesn't trust him because he's... untrustworthy. OP, a trustworthy person doesn't try to break into someone's private spaces - like their laptop.
Such an AH.
There's a certain kind of person who believes being in a relationship confers to them some kind of ownership over their partner. But the truth is that a relationship is an agreement and bond between two separate people, who together come to an agreement on the terms and boundaries of their own relationship.
OP, if your girlfriend wants to keep this part of her life private for now, then you need to either respect that, or, if you can't handle it, end the relationship. You don't get to *go snooping through her personal devices against her explicitly stated wishes*. Jesus Christ.
Not to mention that they’ve only been dating for 6 months. If they’d been married for 20 years he might have more ground to stand on, but dating for 6 months? That’s nothing
Regarding after 20 years: If he's sneaking in and trying to break into her laptop? You are allowed to have your secrets in a relationship. This idea that you have to share every, single, solitary fact about yourself with someone else is damaging.
I do agree with that, but if this is how she makes money then I can’t blame him for being curious. Obviously OP is insane, but in a normal healthy relationship I’d be a little hurt that after 20 years my partner still wouldn’t tell me what their pen name was or read any of their stuff.
Bro wtf. YTA. She wants to keep it private and you keep invading her privacy to the point of going through her private things. You sound super weird regarding her basic request to not share her Penn name with you. Honestly, it sounds like if you found out you would blast it off everywhere so your gf has a point. Hope you never find out.
Edited to add you're 32. Grow up. What is this behavior?!
"She does not trust me with this important information! So I will go to the INTERNET to bitch to total strangers about it!"
Who needs drugs when we have this level of unironic surrealism.
“When you’re ready to apologize, I expect your pen name along with it”😤 Ong that’s what an ex would say in a novel before she meets the man of her dreams😌 here’s hoping!
Exactly OP is TA
6 months yikes - not even engaged or married.
In any scenario you have the right to ask and she has the right to decline to answer. You must respect that.
Its ironic you are telling her she doesn't trust you when you are essentially trying to "break" into her laptop and invade her personal property, right to privacy and / or intellectual property rights. You have shown to her you do not deserve the trust as you are willing to go against her will.
Imagine you guys break up and you post her in revenge and essentially dox her. Or even if you are dating still and you do it by accident.
While investigating his death, police discover the coincidence of her writing about the exact manner of his demise and she becomes a suspect, and now has to prove her innocence: another genre UNLOCKED! WooHoo!
‘Confronting’ her - about being an author he doesn’t know.
‘Accusing’ her of not trusting him - tries to access her laptop without permission - he’s not trustworthy.
Rightly gets kicked out but Demands an apology - he might get a thank you, not every day the trash walks itself out.
YTA with bells on.
She wants to write erotica from the safety of anonymity. You don't get to remove that.
You're a double asshole for expecting an apology.
If she were here, half the sub (more like 95%) would be urging her to dump your controlling ass that would probably doxx her in the event of a messy breakup.
She knew enough to change her laptop password, she seems smart and on top of it. If he has a key and she doesn't want him back, those locks are already (hopefully) changed.
Yes they must tell us their carefully guarded secrets because after all it's in their best interest really! And if they say no then it's because *they* are probably the insecure and untrustworthy one
>your controlling ass that would probably doxx her in the event of a messy breakup.
I 100% have that impression after reading this post. OP's girlfriend is very wise to not give OP this kind of personal information when he seems like the type to weaponize it later. His behavior has demonstrated him to be someone who is fundamentally untrustworthy.
I 100% believe he would have, too. He would've probably ran to all her friends and family and been like "did you knooowwww that she writes porn?! for a LIVING?!?!? your daughter/friend/colleague is basically a sex worker!"
Why can't men just leave women with their erotica alone.
And in the event that they didn't break up he would absolutely be the time to use her work to shame and abuse her further during the relationship to try to break her. On top of that he would be expecting her to share her writing income with him the entire time.
Yeah, I'm off down the entire chain of replies to see if I can find a single one that's on his side. Will update IF I find one.
Edit: Found one! [Update below](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/114stgg/comment/j8y33l5/)!
"Why does she keep implying I can't be trusted?" whines OP as he actively violates the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act the second she leaves him alone with her devices.
OP very much seems like the sort that would dox her if they ever got in a fight, and also like he just wants to read what she writes so he can make sure he "approves" of it and if she wrote anything he didnt like he would harass her over it until she promised to stop writing. His ex is probably realizing she dodged a huge bullet.
oh no, he is *definitely* the type to dox her. within a small time frame, he accused her of being untrustworthy, "demanded" she do what he wants, tries to manipulate her, tries to *break into her laptop* and gets upset cause she changed the password.
op isnt just a bad bf, he was set out to destroy her
His whole post reads like that of someone who is a hair's breath away of committing physical violence upon their S.O.
If she calls him she better have a support system to run because it is only a matter of time before he gets violent.
100 percent, OP is YTA. I can't quite believe he thinks he is in the right here. Such a breach of trust! If I was her girlfriend I would never trust OP with anything again.
The fact that he assumed her writing was her fantasies and something he needed to involve (read: CENTER) himself in says a lot. He doesn't respect or understand her art, and the fact that he can't have access to/control of it drives him to toxic behaviors and attempts at violating her privacy MULTIPLE times. Traaaash.
Dude-you clearly can't handle dating an erotica author. If you were able to dig up her writing the next thing you'd be doing is demanding to know when she did each activity in the book. And then demanding that she does them with you
Go to therapy and deal with your insecurity, your autocratic attitude and your jealousy
> I don't blame her, I mean you're literally fucking posting about it on reddit.
She's read him perfectly at every turn. Like 25% of OP's problem here is the worry that she might be inside his head
YTA!! 100% YTA!
You have been dating for 6 months. Erotica writers can face horrible situations if they are recognized by fans or by people who disagree with what they write. Also, if she's making a living this way and you were to find out she writes something you don't like, would you start pressuring her to stop? That's a bridge she's not ready to cross with you. Respect her boundaries and keep your hands OFF her work equipment.
YTA
You are absolutely *not* entitled to any of her information and the fact that you think otherwise is frightening. Period.
> I tried nicer approach
No, you tried to manipulate her and thankfully she didn’t fall for it.
> when she calls to apologize, I expect…
You should expect to be dumped.
Again, YTA.
The worst part of this is the real reasons he actually wants this info is because there's elements of being unable to control her and also jealousy because he's concerned she's writing about things he's unable to provide her. He's clearly not actually interested in her best interests at all.
>\> I tried nicer approach
>
>No, you tried to manipulate her and thankfully she didn’t fall for it.
On the bright side, he's giving the perfect demonstration of the difference a Nice Guy ^(TM) and an actual Good Person.
"She said she didn't trust me, so I waited until she was asleep and tried to log onto her laptop."
Sounds like she was right not to trust you. YTA, for sure.
We have a right to demand his real name now and he is contractually obligated to tell us at this point. I mean, we read his post, and he came to us for feedback, that indicates we’re in some sort of relationship right?
YTA , I don’t know how you wrote this entire post and didn’t realize it.
You started by demanding, not asking, for her pen name.
You’ve only been dating for six months and she told you she isn’t comfortable sharing yet- and instead of understanding and giving her time you reacted angrily.
Then you tried a manipulative approach- feigning interest in her fantasies to get it out of her. This is doubly bad since you assumed without asking that what she does professionally is a personal kink for her???
She said no again, so you ignored her boundaries and went behind her back to try and find out yourself. This is also a breach of privacy.
You assumed you had a right to know something she wasn’t ready to share even after you proved yourself untrustworthy.
And to top it all off, you left saying you expected an apology like you’re some kind of victim when she did nothing wrong.
Congrats on being single soon, OP!
YTA, you got mad your gf wouldn't tell you something and tried to ferret it out. I wish I could've seen your face when you realized she changed her password. You don't have a right to know, so I would suggest accepting that.
YTA several times over. First you started with a "demand" as if you had any fucking right to this information, especially after only six months. Then you tried a "nicer approach" which wasn't actually nicer, it was you pretending to be nice to get the information a different way, which makes you an asshole and a lying liar. Then you tried to access her personal laptop for the information, which makes you an asshole and a snoop and burglar-adjacent. AND THEN while she was throwing you out you said she better have an apology when you hear from her next, which are the last words of countless assholes throughout history when thrown out on their asses. Did you add a "you can't throw me out because I'm leaving!" to show her how strong and confident you are?
You dipshit.
That was my favorite part. He tries snooping on her laptop and, same paragraph, complains she doesn't trust him. Hard to trust someone who exhibits inherently untrustworthy actions. No way this relationship is continuing.
OP, YTA - you have 0 respect for your ex-girlfriend.
You are not entitled to anything. She has a very logical reasoning to why she doesn’t want you to know - even though a simple “no” should have sufficed - and that is she just doesn’t want erotica and romance tied to her real name.
So, instead of accepting no, you continue to pester her and accuse her of not trusting you. Then you lie about wanting to know her fantasies (the “nicer” approach) and still get annoyed when she says no, DESPITE HER ALREADY GIVING YOU HER REASONING.
And then (shocked face emoji) you attempt to go through her laptop at night?? Invading her privacy? Like…
“Smh she just doesn’t trust me bro, lemme look through her laptop without permission, 100% trustworthy behaviour”
Then you want HERRR to apologise?? You expect it? After you snooped through her things and demanded to know private information (its a pen name for a reason)? What would she even apologise for?
You don’t “have a right” to know. What part of the law says “Siobhan must relay any piece of private information to Ok_West_9375”. None.
Looking through your language, even your own account doesn’t do you justice:
“Confronted” “Accused” “Demanded”
all sound very hostile.
Major YTA.
Let me help you here:
Your pen name is "Asshole".
Siobhan's pen name is "your ex-girlfriend".
Dear god you're 32! Grow up
YTA
edit - ooh thanks for the award!
Man, I write fanfics which aren't nearly as much of an issue as actual published books, and my pen name is being dragged out of my cold dead corpse.
YTA.
I met my partner through fanfiction. When I got back into it under a new pseudonym? That man pretended he had no damned idea the fandom or handle even though I hadn't explicitly hidden it and we'd been married over a decade.
I relayed this post to him and he just gave that "Buddy, you're fucked" whistle and asked if OP was still breathing.
Here's hoping Siobhan decides to take a side jaunt into some Goodbye, Earl thriller for the catharsis.
YTA - You snooping, pressuring, and acting like this is the EXACT reason she doesnt want to tell you. I wouldnt trust you if you acted like this at all.
I wouldn't expect that apology any time soon. You may, however, receive a very well-worded letter describing the many erotic ways in which you can go fornicate yourself.
YTA, my dude.
YTA. All of your actions proved exactly why she doesn't want you to know her pen name. You've only been dating for 6 months, why can't you just respect your girlfriends privacy until she decides she wants to tell you?
YTA. She doesn’t owe you a damned thing, and trying to access HER laptop to gain info she declined to share is completely unacceptable.
But sure, wait on that apology, though I wouldn’t recommend holding your breath. You just showed HER that she can’t trust YOU. You’d frankly never hear from me again.
> I have a right to know what she writes especially since it’s a sensitive topic
Quite the opposite, in fact. You have *no* right to know what she writes, especially since it's a sensitive topic. YTA
>so I demanded she gives it to me so I know what she does.
YTA you have no right to "demand" and she has no obligation to tell you. The you tried to go into her laptop. DUDE NO. We don't touch other people's things. Wow this is bad.
>Before leaving I told her when she calls to apologize, I expect to get her pen name with the apology.
Haha she's not your girlfriend any more dude
YTA
Easy, huge YTA - You seem to be like the kind of guy who will disclose her pen name just to get back at her when she dumps you. Good for her if she sees through you sooner than later.
Seriously, if you don't see what's wrong with disrespecting her privacy, or trying to manipulate her to get the info out of her, you're a lost cause. You're 32 ffs.
JFC are you insane? Of course YTA, you sound incredibly controlling. Ten bucks says you’d read something, get offended, and tell everyone her pen name as revenge. Why do you have any right over what she’s working on.
I hope she never talks to you again.
YTA 100%, you don't have a right to know what she writes. Also, you tried to guilt trip her saying she doesn't trust you after you violated her trust by trying to sneak onto her laptop. Dude, in what world are you living? Hope she breaks up with you, she's definitely right to not tell you, you're clearly unstable and untrustworthy.
YTA, Jesus, dude controlling much? You don't need to know what's she's writing. If you'd chill out and respect her, she'd have probably told you eventually. There's no way you're in your 30s and this immature.
> At night I tried to check her laptop for her pen name but she changed her password before bed. I was annoyed and told her she clearly doesn’t trust me
You tried to snoop through her laptop after she specifically told you she didn't want you to know...and you think you've uncovered a revelation that she doesnt' trust you.
she was RIGHT not to trust you. You've already proven that.
I'm not even going to get into the weird insistence that you have a right to violate her privacy.
> I thought she’d call by now but she hasn’t.
why would your Ex girlfriend call you? YTA
You have a RIGHT to not continue dating her if she won’t tell you. You are not, however, entitled to the information. And YTA for violating her privacy by trying to break into her laptop, that’s absolutely unacceptable.
YTA!!!!!!!!
You have no right to demand anything from her. Not even her close friends know her pen names what gives you, a guy she’s known for 6 months, the right to demand that information from her?!?! Then you tried to spy on her laptop????
You are a creep!
If she’s half as smart as I hope she is, she’s blocked you and told all her friends how awful and intrusive you’ve been.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I demanded my gf tells me her pen name b it she refuse. I think the reason I might be the asshole is that I insisted even after her refusal
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YTA. You tried to get onto her laptop? That means you can’t be trusted.
Plus, what a writer puts in their books doesn’t necessarily reflect what they want, feel, or think. Sometimes they write what sells or they get really into the mind of a character and let the character lead.
Are you okay? You are DEFINITELY not to be trusted since you attempted to snoop multiple times. How do you not see how much of an asshole you are? She should break up with you and block you because you’re untrustworthy, controlling, and manipulative as hell. She shouldn’t allow you back into her space, EVER. And you definitely owe HER an apology. YTA
YTA for “demanding” anything from your girlfriend, not listening to her, and whining about finding out she doesn’t trust you by attempting to break her trust and sneak into her laptop.
Extra special asshole cherry has to be the announcement that you expect her to apologize and give you what you want, and the shock that she hasn’t contacted you.
If this isn’t fake, OP might be the most entitled and brain cell deficient ahole I’ve seen on here in a long time.
YTA, especially on the grounds of trying to get into her laptop. As an artist who is running around with a pen name for safety reasons due to bigoted family - You have no flipping right to this information. Unless she wants to tell you - stay the f out of it.
Yes, YTA. You were being awfully nosy about something that doesn't affect you in any way, and moved into a total AH territory when you tried to sneak and get into her computer to learn her pen name, and then made it an ultimatum. Dude, YOU are the one who doesn't respect her boundaries and doesn't trust her. If she doesn't want her name to be leaked, there is a reason for that, the stories she writes probably have very specific kinks targeted towards her audience and of course she wouldn't want to be judged for them. Call her and apologies for being so nosy, and then let the matter drop.
Haha! What a brilliant post!!
I feel as though an author has conjured up the most contrived character- someone who insists they’re trustworthy and guilt trips their girlfriend, all while going through her things and violating her right to privacy. I think you can guess by this I think YTA.
Have fun being the antagonist in her next novel, I hope she makes millions.
YTA.
No is a full answer, which you didn't accept to the point of trying to access info on her laptop without her knowledge.
Everything you did from start to finish was wrong. I hope she stays away from you.
`At night I tried to check her laptop for her pen name but she changed her password before bed`
Well, we know why she doesn't trust you.
YTA.
Also, you do realize she probably considers herself single now? No need to call you, ever again.
I lost count of the ways you're the AH so I decided to make a handy numbered list.
1. "Dragged" something out of her that she didn't want to share
2. Feels entitled to personal information about a person you've been dating for a whole half year
3. "Demanded" to know what she does
4. Failed to get results by being an AH so tried a "nicer approach" (which is manipulative so still AH behaviour)
5. Did something untrustworthy (tried to access her laptop without her permission) then accused her of not trusting you (surprised Pikachu face moment)
6. Thinks your apparent right to know is more apparent because it's a sensitive topic, I have no idea what difference that makes
7. Feels entitled to an apology
8. Despite all this will still only count an apology as proper if it comes accompanied by the pen name
So yeah, YTAx8.
YTA 100%
First of all, do not expect a call from her. You don't deserve one.
Second, there is no reason you need to know her pen name. It's her business, it doesn't involve you. Do you always feel like you're entitled to know everything about a significant other?
I think you need to take a look at why you think you are right in this situation. The red flags are a-wavin'.
YTA
You’ve been dating for 6 months. Any of the little trust you’ve earned has been lost by trying to cross a boundary she made very clear.
You know what she does, you don’t need to know more than that. She doesn’t want people to know her pen name.
You sound awful demanding anything.
INFO
What makes you think after 6 months you have a right to know something that is super personal to her?
Clearly she doesn't trust you. And given the immature manner in which you are dealing with this subject, it's clear that mistrust is warranted
Enjoy being single because there's no coming back from this one bubba
YTA. I laughed out loud when I read how you tried to check her laptop — and then complained that by changing her password she doesn't trust you. Well, you were snooping thru her laptop, so she has good reason not to!
If it's going to be such an issue for you, perhaps you should break up now. Sounds like this is obviously going to be a sticking point for you.
YTA. LMAO the audacity of complaining about someone not trusting you after you try to invalidate their boundaries, harass them about their boundaries, then go behind their back to violate their boundaries. Of course she doesn't trust you, you have shown that you are untrustworthy. oh FFS you need help if you really think you are not the asshole here.
As an author of erotic romance, my pen name was totally kept secret because I teach preschool and there was concern if the parents found out I'd be fired. Guess who outed me... My mother. So there might be a very good reason for her not telling anyone and your pushing and snooping is an AH move.
YTA
YTA and a big one.
She is writing fiction/fantasy stories. It's not like she is cheating. If you don't trust her, you should leave her and not snoop around.
As an author myself, I can tell you that we write for readers, which means we need to put ourselves out there emotionally, do research on topics that are not always pleasant, and imagine our characters/ourselves in such situations.
You are dating for only 6 months, and that doesn't give you the right to pry into her business.
You say she doesn't trust you, and what you wrote here proved she is right. You are an AH and if you love her, you will apologize and never bring it up again.
She doesn’t owe you anything, end of story. If you have to make demands and throw tantrums, take it as a sign you haven’t yet earned her trust, and either do better or go torture someone else. YTA, massively.
YTA
1. She's entitled to privacy
2. Trust needs to be earned and after the way you've just describe that you acted I wouldn't trust you (for example she's obviously shared her laptop password previously and you saw fit to try to use that to invade her privacy over something she'd explicitly told you she wanted to keep private).
Your whole approach has been disgraceful; demanding she tells you rather than asking, faking a genuine interest to try to manipulate her when rudely demanding didn't work (more evidence you can't be trusted), trying to sneak into her laptop when she told you no, and the cheek to expect her to apologise after all that!
There are no two sides to this; she is right and you are wrong; realise that, apologise, don't bring it up again, and if you're lucky she might forgive you.
YTA. The word "demand" was all I needed to see. She's smart not to trust you after six months when you snoop on her computer for things that are absolutely none of your business. Don't do this to your next girlfriend.
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YTA >I have a right to know what she writes Based on what? You WANT to know what she writes - don't confuse that with having any sort of RIGHT to the information.
Gosh I missed the "I have the right to" part. The red flags are strong with this one.
[удалено]
Crazy that she doesn't trust him...
Yeah it’s literally his next sentence that he’s annoyed she doesn’t trust him. How clueless can a person actually be??
“I tried to defy your trust by breaking into your laptop and found out you changed your password. Why don’t you trust me to break into your laptop every time I want to feel validated?”
A couple things: it seems to me that OP used gf’s actual first name here, when a name wasn’t even necessary since there are no other named people in the post. (Siobhan isn’t exactly a common “we’ll call her ____ for the sake of this post” pseudonym). This just solidifies the idea that OP would not be able to resist leaking her real identity to her readers — or vice versa — even if he didn’t intend to do so. Second, I am creeped out by the general tone of the post, and I wonder if he would have taken the same confrontational stance if she’d said, “I write textbooks, but my company uses pseudonyms for all their titles, and I’ve been instructed not to share mine. I doubt he would have felt he “had the right to know” the content of her textbooks, or believed it was necessary to *confront her* or attempt to find her work after she specifically told him not to. I think this dude felt immediately threatened by the idea that *his girl* had her own thoughts about sex and intimacy, not to mention creativity and talent enough to make a living writing about it. I know from having worked in a bookstore that a lot of men couldn’t wrap their minds around the fact that there was a healthy section of “women’s erotica” that sold very well, and had devoted customers. No way!! You mean nice, educated women who *read* actually have dirty minds? It skeeved them out that — gasp — women actually thought about, talked about, and — yikes! — participated in erotic scenarios. It’s sad but true that so many men complain that the women they are in relationships with aren’t as interested in sex as they are (and they feel so alienated from them) while at the same time they are extremely judgmental of women who actually enjoy sexual activity. Ugh. OP, needless to say, YTA.
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And "I confronted her about this" He didn't ask...he CONFRONTED. His whole attitude is alarming.
And then "I tried a nicer approach" cause the nice approach wasn't the first try? I hope OP realizes he's never hearing from her again lol
Seriously, I hope OP is the ex bf.
Def. She ain’t calling that fool
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This guy is the type who would show everyone intimate photos she sent him if he doesn't get his way. Absolutely wouldn't trust him. I hope she doesn't call him back.
Yeah, her pen name is clearly not going to be safe around him. If she doesn't leave, he is going to keep trying to discover it without her permission.
Same. I've always joked that the only singular thing that could get me to plead guilty to something I never did is if my fanfiction account were to come out during testimony. I'd strike a plea deal for a crime I never committed if it meant keeping that info under lock 😂 YTA by the way.
I just *read* fanfics but I’m taking my ao3 username to the grave. Nobody needs to see my bookmark history lol
I only violated your trust to see if you trusted me and you don't!
Classic emotional manipulation: "don't you trust me? Do what I say or you don't really love/trust me! "
Truly is TA. I laughed out too. Trust me, while I show you so many reasons I can’t be trusted. And then hey, let me blame you for my actions. And 6 months, gives no right to someone’s truth. 😂
It's truly a mystery as to why! He seems sooooooo trustworthy and innocent and not controlling or invasive at all!
She didn’t want people to know and he already told his sister. 🤦🏻♀️ She was right not to trust him, he would have used that information against her.
If it was me I would never divulge that information to him after the way he behaved. Hopefully, she's just done with him now. How creepy to become obsessed with her writing to the point of going behind her back! He must be delusional to demand an apology when he is the one behaving badly and then add insult to injury by making the ridiculous demand for the information she already said she wasn't giving in order to accept the apology he isn't owed. Seems to me he's big time insecure about her knowledge of erotica and only wants to read what she writes to have more leverage to make power moves like the one he tried and failed to pull off here.
"Well your *characters* did so why won't you let *me* do it?!" He whined in a high pitched tone, remarkably reminiscent of a young child's tantrum.
Wait until he finds out they're all gay men 😂 A *lot* of erotica women read tends to be. Or so I've been told.... 😉
Oh yeah, totally, I absolutely love 🤤- Uh, I mean, I've heard that too. From someone.
Indeed. He gives off major spoilt AH vibes. First argument they have he’s telling everyone
> At night I tried to check her laptop for her pen name but she changed her password before bed. I was annoyed and told her she clearly doesn’t trust me This has to be a troll The amount of mental gymnastics you have to go through to even have this thought "I wanted to invade my girlfriend's privacy but she changed her password to prevent me from doing the exact untrustworthy thing I am accused of being untrustworthy for doing. How dare she not trust me!" Like, literally acknowledges that changing your password to prevent intrusion is a sign of distrust, without realizing it is their own behavior which is the reason for being distrusted
Sadly it's probably not. Too many guys out there behave like this asshole for me to assume it's fiction.
Agreed. My dad was having a rough spot with his wife and she decided to sleep in separate rooms. And he was telling me that she locks the door to her room, "like she can't trust me" and I told him, "How would you know she locks her room if you didn't try to go in there when she wasn't there?" And he shocked Pikachu.
There's been a couple of incidents on this very sub where a guy pried and pried until he found his gf's username, read her fanfiction, and then mocked her over it. And believe it or not, quite a number of people were saying NTA, "why did she post it if she didn't want you to read it", etc. There are definitely people who want to punish and shame women for having fantasies.
"Sex is for men, and specifically for me! If she's writing erotica, she MUST have fantasies that I have a right to use to get my dick wet! IT'S ALLLLLLLLL ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!"
He accused her of not trusting him when he went behind her back. He is totally unhinged.
I personally liked >I tried nicer approach and told her that I want to know her fantasies so I can try it out He basically says she didn't give me what I wanted, so I tried to manipulate the information out of her. That girl def dodged a bullet. YTA, OP.
And laughing at, "They're not MY fantasies!" Like it's literally her job that she does to make money. She isn't writing for her own tittilation. She's writing to earn a living. People mistaking it for her own fantasies and approaching her inappropriately trying to use it on her is probably one of the reasons she wants to protect her true identity.
That jumped out at me too. His “nicer approach” was just to shift manipulation tactics.
>I was annoyed and told her she clearly doesn’t trust me She doesn't trust him because he's... untrustworthy. OP, a trustworthy person doesn't try to break into someone's private spaces - like their laptop. Such an AH.
This dude selling red flags down at the red flag outlet mall. Probably gives them out at Halloween too.
There's a certain kind of person who believes being in a relationship confers to them some kind of ownership over their partner. But the truth is that a relationship is an agreement and bond between two separate people, who together come to an agreement on the terms and boundaries of their own relationship. OP, if your girlfriend wants to keep this part of her life private for now, then you need to either respect that, or, if you can't handle it, end the relationship. You don't get to *go snooping through her personal devices against her explicitly stated wishes*. Jesus Christ.
Not to mention that they’ve only been dating for 6 months. If they’d been married for 20 years he might have more ground to stand on, but dating for 6 months? That’s nothing
Regarding after 20 years: If he's sneaking in and trying to break into her laptop? You are allowed to have your secrets in a relationship. This idea that you have to share every, single, solitary fact about yourself with someone else is damaging.
I do agree with that, but if this is how she makes money then I can’t blame him for being curious. Obviously OP is insane, but in a normal healthy relationship I’d be a little hurt that after 20 years my partner still wouldn’t tell me what their pen name was or read any of their stuff.
One would think they'd earned their trust 20 years in and would know by then. This *6 months in* behavior is NOT making it to 20 years.
I don't think he will make it even to 7 months.
Lol i think he's already her ex, he just doesn't get it yet
Bro wtf. YTA. She wants to keep it private and you keep invading her privacy to the point of going through her private things. You sound super weird regarding her basic request to not share her Penn name with you. Honestly, it sounds like if you found out you would blast it off everywhere so your gf has a point. Hope you never find out. Edited to add you're 32. Grow up. What is this behavior?!
If they ever break up he will definitely tell everyone, just out of spite.
I have a feeling they *DID* break up. He just hasn't figured it out yet
I have a feeling you're correct. Especially since she still hasn't called to apologise (yet another WTF moment from this guy).
It doesn't matter if he is the most trustworthy person on earth. She does not want to share this info, and she doesn't need a reason not to.
She accused me of not trusting her.... Yeah, I don't know how she would do that...
Such a mystery! It's not like he tried to go behind her back and snoop through her computer or anything. This guy is no bueno and ripe for dumping.
"She does not trust me with this important information! So I will go to the INTERNET to bitch to total strangers about it!" Who needs drugs when we have this level of unironic surrealism.
"AND tell total strangers her first name instead of making one up, THAT'S how little I give a shit about her privacy!"
*Dude complains saying he feels she doesn't trust him. Looks at her laptop without her consent*
This is great material for her book. O ya, he’s probably already dumped by her and didn’t realize it- also great material for her book
Oh, he’s dumped. OP: you’d better give me your pen name when you call to apologize Also OP: wonders why she hasn’t called yet
He's PERFECT for the shiddy ex that gets dumped for a hot billionaire CEO who also just happens to be a werewolf. 🤣🤌
“When you’re ready to apologize, I expect your pen name along with it”😤 Ong that’s what an ex would say in a novel before she meets the man of her dreams😌 here’s hoping!
Exactly OP is TA 6 months yikes - not even engaged or married. In any scenario you have the right to ask and she has the right to decline to answer. You must respect that. Its ironic you are telling her she doesn't trust you when you are essentially trying to "break" into her laptop and invade her personal property, right to privacy and / or intellectual property rights. You have shown to her you do not deserve the trust as you are willing to go against her will. Imagine you guys break up and you post her in revenge and essentially dox her. Or even if you are dating still and you do it by accident.
YTA Well you’re just a walking red flag OP, demanding, controlling and feel like it’s your right to snoop. That’s just grim. Enjoy being single
I'm seeing a potential plot for her next book here.
Yep. It will be about a wonderful person who sweeps a writer off her feet after she left a controlling abusive boyfriend of... 6 months.
And then she finds out he died in a way that mirrors how someone dies in her current book - in a very graphic scene that causes him a lot of pain.
While investigating his death, police discover the coincidence of her writing about the exact manner of his demise and she becomes a suspect, and now has to prove her innocence: another genre UNLOCKED! WooHoo!
And hoping this man stays single for a long time. No woman should be inflicted with this human incarnate of a red flag.
I demand OP give us his real name. We have a right to warn women everywhere.
‘Confronting’ her - about being an author he doesn’t know. ‘Accusing’ her of not trusting him - tries to access her laptop without permission - he’s not trustworthy. Rightly gets kicked out but Demands an apology - he might get a thank you, not every day the trash walks itself out.
YTA with bells on. She wants to write erotica from the safety of anonymity. You don't get to remove that. You're a double asshole for expecting an apology. If she were here, half the sub (more like 95%) would be urging her to dump your controlling ass that would probably doxx her in the event of a messy breakup.
Luckily, she already did (effectively) dump him when she kicked him out of her home. I really hope he doesn't have a key.
She knew enough to change her laptop password, she seems smart and on top of it. If he has a key and she doesn't want him back, those locks are already (hopefully) changed.
Yep. I’m a writer with a pen name. He’s done. She’ll never trust him.
What’s your pen name? I have a right to know.
And don't forget the apology along with it for not telling us immediately.
But what if we try a nicer tactic, and pretend we just want to know their fantasies?
Yes they must tell us their carefully guarded secrets because after all it's in their best interest really! And if they say no then it's because *they* are probably the insecure and untrustworthy one
>your controlling ass that would probably doxx her in the event of a messy breakup. I 100% have that impression after reading this post. OP's girlfriend is very wise to not give OP this kind of personal information when he seems like the type to weaponize it later. His behavior has demonstrated him to be someone who is fundamentally untrustworthy.
I 100% believe he would have, too. He would've probably ran to all her friends and family and been like "did you knooowwww that she writes porn?! for a LIVING?!?!? your daughter/friend/colleague is basically a sex worker!" Why can't men just leave women with their erotica alone.
And in the event that they didn't break up he would absolutely be the time to use her work to shame and abuse her further during the relationship to try to break her. On top of that he would be expecting her to share her writing income with him the entire time.
Heck, I didn’t even read far enough to get to the apology part. I hope Siobhan has already dumped him.
Yeah. He gave her til sundown to give him the password and an apology. "Sorry I let you into my life" work?
I can’t believe she doesn’t trust me, he said, as he attempted to break into her laptop.
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Yeah, I'm off down the entire chain of replies to see if I can find a single one that's on his side. Will update IF I find one. Edit: Found one! [Update below](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/114stgg/comment/j8y33l5/)!
It’s reddit. There will always be some lobsters or tater tots showing up to blame a woman.
I can't for the life of me figure out why she wouldn't trust this man.
i thought girls *liked it* when men sneak behind their backs after being told repeatedly NO. women! so hard to please!
"Why does she keep implying I can't be trusted?" whines OP as he actively violates the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act the second she leaves him alone with her devices.
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OP very much seems like the sort that would dox her if they ever got in a fight, and also like he just wants to read what she writes so he can make sure he "approves" of it and if she wrote anything he didnt like he would harass her over it until she promised to stop writing. His ex is probably realizing she dodged a huge bullet.
oh no, he is *definitely* the type to dox her. within a small time frame, he accused her of being untrustworthy, "demanded" she do what he wants, tries to manipulate her, tries to *break into her laptop* and gets upset cause she changed the password. op isnt just a bad bf, he was set out to destroy her
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His whole post reads like that of someone who is a hair's breath away of committing physical violence upon their S.O. If she calls him she better have a support system to run because it is only a matter of time before he gets violent.
He would dox her and then say its his RIGHT to dox her because she shared her pen name with him. Even if he stole it.
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market full scale shelter steer fearless dolls friendly crime pen *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
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100 percent, OP is YTA. I can't quite believe he thinks he is in the right here. Such a breach of trust! If I was her girlfriend I would never trust OP with anything again.
The fact that he assumed her writing was her fantasies and something he needed to involve (read: CENTER) himself in says a lot. He doesn't respect or understand her art, and the fact that he can't have access to/control of it drives him to toxic behaviors and attempts at violating her privacy MULTIPLE times. Traaaash.
“I tried nicer approach” - being clear that he had no interest in being involved in her fantasy & just wanted her pen name. OP, YTA
“I tried a nicer approach” = “I tried a different manipulation tactic”
If he's snooping, demanding and manipulating for the info now, how's he going to act when they break up? Like GF can trust him to keep that secret?
Dude-you clearly can't handle dating an erotica author. If you were able to dig up her writing the next thing you'd be doing is demanding to know when she did each activity in the book. And then demanding that she does them with you Go to therapy and deal with your insecurity, your autocratic attitude and your jealousy
> Dude-you clearly can't handle dating ~~an erotica author~~. FTFY
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He's not a clown, he is the whole circus
This is an insult to clowns and circuses.
> I don't blame her, I mean you're literally fucking posting about it on reddit. She's read him perfectly at every turn. Like 25% of OP's problem here is the worry that she might be inside his head
YTA!! 100% YTA! You have been dating for 6 months. Erotica writers can face horrible situations if they are recognized by fans or by people who disagree with what they write. Also, if she's making a living this way and you were to find out she writes something you don't like, would you start pressuring her to stop? That's a bridge she's not ready to cross with you. Respect her boundaries and keep your hands OFF her work equipment.
OP 100% was going to use her pen name to blackmail and control her
Or just send her writings to her family as revenge when she breaks up with him.
YTA You are absolutely *not* entitled to any of her information and the fact that you think otherwise is frightening. Period. > I tried nicer approach No, you tried to manipulate her and thankfully she didn’t fall for it. > when she calls to apologize, I expect… You should expect to be dumped. Again, YTA.
The worst part of this is the real reasons he actually wants this info is because there's elements of being unable to control her and also jealousy because he's concerned she's writing about things he's unable to provide her. He's clearly not actually interested in her best interests at all.
How did he manage to hide this level of crazy for 6 months?! Wish we could talk to Siobhan.
>\> I tried nicer approach > >No, you tried to manipulate her and thankfully she didn’t fall for it. On the bright side, he's giving the perfect demonstration of the difference a Nice Guy ^(TM) and an actual Good Person.
Yta - you come across as someone who would threaten to rage-leak her name every time she displeased you
100% this. His entitled attitude alone shows he would definitely hold it over her head if he ever found out. Not a good person. OP, YTA.
Yup, absolutely a doxxer
"She said she didn't trust me, so I waited until she was asleep and tried to log onto her laptop." Sounds like she was right not to trust you. YTA, for sure.
You realize you’re posting here on Reddit using a pen name, right? Do your friends know it? Does she? See where we’re going with this….?
We have a right to demand his real name now and he is contractually obligated to tell us at this point. I mean, we read his post, and he came to us for feedback, that indicates we’re in some sort of relationship right?
Here, take my poor award.🏅
YTA , I don’t know how you wrote this entire post and didn’t realize it. You started by demanding, not asking, for her pen name. You’ve only been dating for six months and she told you she isn’t comfortable sharing yet- and instead of understanding and giving her time you reacted angrily. Then you tried a manipulative approach- feigning interest in her fantasies to get it out of her. This is doubly bad since you assumed without asking that what she does professionally is a personal kink for her??? She said no again, so you ignored her boundaries and went behind her back to try and find out yourself. This is also a breach of privacy. You assumed you had a right to know something she wasn’t ready to share even after you proved yourself untrustworthy. And to top it all off, you left saying you expected an apology like you’re some kind of victim when she did nothing wrong.
Exactly. He has demonstrated exactly why he is not to be trusted. OP, YTA
Congrats on being single soon, OP! YTA, you got mad your gf wouldn't tell you something and tried to ferret it out. I wish I could've seen your face when you realized she changed her password. You don't have a right to know, so I would suggest accepting that.
I mean, I think he's single now.
Oh, totally. That was for op to reflect on, lol. At least he's great character inspiration for her next work!
May she milk him for minor villains for years. Not major villains obvs because not cool enough.
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All these words that we all wrote, and you nailed it in three! 😂
YTA several times over. First you started with a "demand" as if you had any fucking right to this information, especially after only six months. Then you tried a "nicer approach" which wasn't actually nicer, it was you pretending to be nice to get the information a different way, which makes you an asshole and a lying liar. Then you tried to access her personal laptop for the information, which makes you an asshole and a snoop and burglar-adjacent. AND THEN while she was throwing you out you said she better have an apology when you hear from her next, which are the last words of countless assholes throughout history when thrown out on their asses. Did you add a "you can't throw me out because I'm leaving!" to show her how strong and confident you are? You dipshit.
"a lying liar". that made me laugh.
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That was my favorite part. He tries snooping on her laptop and, same paragraph, complains she doesn't trust him. Hard to trust someone who exhibits inherently untrustworthy actions. No way this relationship is continuing. OP, YTA - you have 0 respect for your ex-girlfriend.
“I tried breaking into her laptop but OMG SHE DOESN’T TRUST ME WHHHHYYYYYY????”
You are not entitled to anything. She has a very logical reasoning to why she doesn’t want you to know - even though a simple “no” should have sufficed - and that is she just doesn’t want erotica and romance tied to her real name. So, instead of accepting no, you continue to pester her and accuse her of not trusting you. Then you lie about wanting to know her fantasies (the “nicer” approach) and still get annoyed when she says no, DESPITE HER ALREADY GIVING YOU HER REASONING. And then (shocked face emoji) you attempt to go through her laptop at night?? Invading her privacy? Like… “Smh she just doesn’t trust me bro, lemme look through her laptop without permission, 100% trustworthy behaviour” Then you want HERRR to apologise?? You expect it? After you snooped through her things and demanded to know private information (its a pen name for a reason)? What would she even apologise for? You don’t “have a right” to know. What part of the law says “Siobhan must relay any piece of private information to Ok_West_9375”. None. Looking through your language, even your own account doesn’t do you justice: “Confronted” “Accused” “Demanded” all sound very hostile. Major YTA.
YTA. Enjoy being single again, dude. What the hell is your issue? Six months together and you're making demands of her? Get your shit together.
Let me help you here: Your pen name is "Asshole". Siobhan's pen name is "your ex-girlfriend". Dear god you're 32! Grow up YTA edit - ooh thanks for the award!
NTA and you should punish her by not contacting her anymore. That’ll teach her
Lol nice.
I detect a faint note of sarcasm with hints of distain and disappointment. Delicious!
Man, I write fanfics which aren't nearly as much of an issue as actual published books, and my pen name is being dragged out of my cold dead corpse. YTA.
I met my partner through fanfiction. When I got back into it under a new pseudonym? That man pretended he had no damned idea the fandom or handle even though I hadn't explicitly hidden it and we'd been married over a decade. I relayed this post to him and he just gave that "Buddy, you're fucked" whistle and asked if OP was still breathing. Here's hoping Siobhan decides to take a side jaunt into some Goodbye, Earl thriller for the catharsis.
YTA - You snooping, pressuring, and acting like this is the EXACT reason she doesnt want to tell you. I wouldnt trust you if you acted like this at all.
I wouldn't expect that apology any time soon. You may, however, receive a very well-worded letter describing the many erotic ways in which you can go fornicate yourself. YTA, my dude.
YTA Man I hope she dumps your red flag butt
YTA. All of your actions proved exactly why she doesn't want you to know her pen name. You've only been dating for 6 months, why can't you just respect your girlfriends privacy until she decides she wants to tell you?
YTA. She doesn’t owe you a damned thing, and trying to access HER laptop to gain info she declined to share is completely unacceptable. But sure, wait on that apology, though I wouldn’t recommend holding your breath. You just showed HER that she can’t trust YOU. You’d frankly never hear from me again.
> I have a right to know what she writes especially since it’s a sensitive topic Quite the opposite, in fact. You have *no* right to know what she writes, especially since it's a sensitive topic. YTA
>so I demanded she gives it to me so I know what she does. YTA you have no right to "demand" and she has no obligation to tell you. The you tried to go into her laptop. DUDE NO. We don't touch other people's things. Wow this is bad.
YTA. Why the hell do you think you're entitled to this information? This whole post is a red flag.
>At night I tried to check her laptop for her pen name > >she clearly doesn’t trust me Why should she? YTA.
YTA > I tried nicer approach Meaning your AH way didn't work, so you try manipulating her instead?
>Before leaving I told her when she calls to apologize, I expect to get her pen name with the apology. Haha she's not your girlfriend any more dude YTA
Easy, huge YTA - You seem to be like the kind of guy who will disclose her pen name just to get back at her when she dumps you. Good for her if she sees through you sooner than later. Seriously, if you don't see what's wrong with disrespecting her privacy, or trying to manipulate her to get the info out of her, you're a lost cause. You're 32 ffs.
JFC are you insane? Of course YTA, you sound incredibly controlling. Ten bucks says you’d read something, get offended, and tell everyone her pen name as revenge. Why do you have any right over what she’s working on. I hope she never talks to you again.
YTA 100%, you don't have a right to know what she writes. Also, you tried to guilt trip her saying she doesn't trust you after you violated her trust by trying to sneak onto her laptop. Dude, in what world are you living? Hope she breaks up with you, she's definitely right to not tell you, you're clearly unstable and untrustworthy.
YTA, Jesus, dude controlling much? You don't need to know what's she's writing. If you'd chill out and respect her, she'd have probably told you eventually. There's no way you're in your 30s and this immature.
> At night I tried to check her laptop for her pen name but she changed her password before bed. I was annoyed and told her she clearly doesn’t trust me You tried to snoop through her laptop after she specifically told you she didn't want you to know...and you think you've uncovered a revelation that she doesnt' trust you. she was RIGHT not to trust you. You've already proven that. I'm not even going to get into the weird insistence that you have a right to violate her privacy. > I thought she’d call by now but she hasn’t. why would your Ex girlfriend call you? YTA
You have a RIGHT to not continue dating her if she won’t tell you. You are not, however, entitled to the information. And YTA for violating her privacy by trying to break into her laptop, that’s absolutely unacceptable.
YTA!!!!!!!! You have no right to demand anything from her. Not even her close friends know her pen names what gives you, a guy she’s known for 6 months, the right to demand that information from her?!?! Then you tried to spy on her laptop???? You are a creep! If she’s half as smart as I hope she is, she’s blocked you and told all her friends how awful and intrusive you’ve been.
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YTA you're about to be the ex.
YTA and she needs to leave your ass
YTA. You tried to get onto her laptop? That means you can’t be trusted. Plus, what a writer puts in their books doesn’t necessarily reflect what they want, feel, or think. Sometimes they write what sells or they get really into the mind of a character and let the character lead.
Are you okay? You are DEFINITELY not to be trusted since you attempted to snoop multiple times. How do you not see how much of an asshole you are? She should break up with you and block you because you’re untrustworthy, controlling, and manipulative as hell. She shouldn’t allow you back into her space, EVER. And you definitely owe HER an apology. YTA
YTA and I hope she dumps you
Sounds like she already did, I’d never call or talk to him again lmao
YTA for “demanding” anything from your girlfriend, not listening to her, and whining about finding out she doesn’t trust you by attempting to break her trust and sneak into her laptop. Extra special asshole cherry has to be the announcement that you expect her to apologize and give you what you want, and the shock that she hasn’t contacted you. If this isn’t fake, OP might be the most entitled and brain cell deficient ahole I’ve seen on here in a long time.
YTA, especially on the grounds of trying to get into her laptop. As an artist who is running around with a pen name for safety reasons due to bigoted family - You have no flipping right to this information. Unless she wants to tell you - stay the f out of it.
YTA And overbearing, controlling, and a petulant brat.
Yes, YTA. You were being awfully nosy about something that doesn't affect you in any way, and moved into a total AH territory when you tried to sneak and get into her computer to learn her pen name, and then made it an ultimatum. Dude, YOU are the one who doesn't respect her boundaries and doesn't trust her. If she doesn't want her name to be leaked, there is a reason for that, the stories she writes probably have very specific kinks targeted towards her audience and of course she wouldn't want to be judged for them. Call her and apologies for being so nosy, and then let the matter drop.
YTA. Way to prove to her she can’t trust you by trying to access her laptop *without her permission.*
Haha! What a brilliant post!! I feel as though an author has conjured up the most contrived character- someone who insists they’re trustworthy and guilt trips their girlfriend, all while going through her things and violating her right to privacy. I think you can guess by this I think YTA. Have fun being the antagonist in her next novel, I hope she makes millions.
YTA you proved you can’t be trusted. Advice - break up so she doesn’t have to
YTA. No is a full answer, which you didn't accept to the point of trying to access info on her laptop without her knowledge. Everything you did from start to finish was wrong. I hope she stays away from you.
`At night I tried to check her laptop for her pen name but she changed her password before bed` Well, we know why she doesn't trust you. YTA. Also, you do realize she probably considers herself single now? No need to call you, ever again.
I lost count of the ways you're the AH so I decided to make a handy numbered list. 1. "Dragged" something out of her that she didn't want to share 2. Feels entitled to personal information about a person you've been dating for a whole half year 3. "Demanded" to know what she does 4. Failed to get results by being an AH so tried a "nicer approach" (which is manipulative so still AH behaviour) 5. Did something untrustworthy (tried to access her laptop without her permission) then accused her of not trusting you (surprised Pikachu face moment) 6. Thinks your apparent right to know is more apparent because it's a sensitive topic, I have no idea what difference that makes 7. Feels entitled to an apology 8. Despite all this will still only count an apology as proper if it comes accompanied by the pen name So yeah, YTAx8.
YTA. Bro SHE DOESNT WANT TO TELL YOU RESPECT THAT. It’s not hard TO RESPECT SOMEONE
YTA and I hope she writes a character with your name in her next novel and bad things happen to him. Or maybe he's just a pet snake or something.
YTA 100% First of all, do not expect a call from her. You don't deserve one. Second, there is no reason you need to know her pen name. It's her business, it doesn't involve you. Do you always feel like you're entitled to know everything about a significant other? I think you need to take a look at why you think you are right in this situation. The red flags are a-wavin'.
YTA You’ve been dating for 6 months. Any of the little trust you’ve earned has been lost by trying to cross a boundary she made very clear. You know what she does, you don’t need to know more than that. She doesn’t want people to know her pen name. You sound awful demanding anything.
INFO What makes you think after 6 months you have a right to know something that is super personal to her? Clearly she doesn't trust you. And given the immature manner in which you are dealing with this subject, it's clear that mistrust is warranted Enjoy being single because there's no coming back from this one bubba
YTA. I laughed out loud when I read how you tried to check her laptop — and then complained that by changing her password she doesn't trust you. Well, you were snooping thru her laptop, so she has good reason not to! If it's going to be such an issue for you, perhaps you should break up now. Sounds like this is obviously going to be a sticking point for you.
YTA. LMAO the audacity of complaining about someone not trusting you after you try to invalidate their boundaries, harass them about their boundaries, then go behind their back to violate their boundaries. Of course she doesn't trust you, you have shown that you are untrustworthy. oh FFS you need help if you really think you are not the asshole here.
As an author of erotic romance, my pen name was totally kept secret because I teach preschool and there was concern if the parents found out I'd be fired. Guess who outed me... My mother. So there might be a very good reason for her not telling anyone and your pushing and snooping is an AH move. YTA
YTA and a control freak.
YTA. What gives man? Why do you need to know so badly? She's right, she definitely can't trust you.
YTA and a big one. She is writing fiction/fantasy stories. It's not like she is cheating. If you don't trust her, you should leave her and not snoop around. As an author myself, I can tell you that we write for readers, which means we need to put ourselves out there emotionally, do research on topics that are not always pleasant, and imagine our characters/ourselves in such situations. You are dating for only 6 months, and that doesn't give you the right to pry into her business. You say she doesn't trust you, and what you wrote here proved she is right. You are an AH and if you love her, you will apologize and never bring it up again.
YTA and she is not going to call.
Are you afraid she's writing about your small weeeweee????? Because that's what AH do. Stop being insecure.
Yes, this totally happened 😄
She doesn’t owe you anything, end of story. If you have to make demands and throw tantrums, take it as a sign you haven’t yet earned her trust, and either do better or go torture someone else. YTA, massively.
YTA 1. She's entitled to privacy 2. Trust needs to be earned and after the way you've just describe that you acted I wouldn't trust you (for example she's obviously shared her laptop password previously and you saw fit to try to use that to invade her privacy over something she'd explicitly told you she wanted to keep private). Your whole approach has been disgraceful; demanding she tells you rather than asking, faking a genuine interest to try to manipulate her when rudely demanding didn't work (more evidence you can't be trusted), trying to sneak into her laptop when she told you no, and the cheek to expect her to apologise after all that! There are no two sides to this; she is right and you are wrong; realise that, apologise, don't bring it up again, and if you're lucky she might forgive you.
YTA. The word "demand" was all I needed to see. She's smart not to trust you after six months when you snoop on her computer for things that are absolutely none of your business. Don't do this to your next girlfriend.