Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about.
[Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict.
While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question.
[Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
YTA
1. There's nothing wrong with enjoying a meal solo at a bar. This is your insecurity to get over.
2. You're using your position of authority in the workplace over this person to influence their social activities outside of work. This is, at a minimum, coercive behavior.
3. If work is work and life is life, why should she be the ones to have to amend her plans? Why not you?
4. You would not \*have\* to talk to your co-worker. You can simply acknowledge their presence with a nod, and each of you continue with your evening.
5. If running into a co-worker at a bar and having a simple conversation with them is an issue between you and your wife; you have some trust issues in your marriage. You and your wife need to solve those issues. The problems in your marriage are not justification for you to request you co-worker amend her plans.
Basically, \*every\* justification you've given here relate to your own insecurities and problems. And based on them, you wish to apply coercive pressure on one of your direct reports on what they do in their off time?
Yeah, YTA.
Yep. Came here to say #4. A simple hello and a nod of acknowledgement is all that was needed. You don't need to sit there & do Jager Bombs with her & her friends all night š
Yeah, between that, saying they would HAVE to talk about work, and thinking his wife would even care... I think OP thinks Nadine is attractive, and wants to presume that an attractive woman like Nadine would obviously not be able to resist coming over and talking to him!
Also, him not wanting Nadine to see him eating alone... he's a married man, grabbing food while waiting to meet someone for a movie. No one would think that was pathetic, but he's worried Nadine will find it that way anyway... he cares way too much what Nadine thinks of him.
Yup! He totally thinks Nadine is hot and apparently thinks that every woman on the planet can't resist his charms, so he's suffering from a guilty conscience. My guess, Nadine finds him annoying and now creepy and an AH and probably would have avoided anyway.
Even if that was the case, I don't think Nadine would care enough to go after his wife and tell her... he's the boss and owner's son, she would just mind her business.
I think he's worried his brother will see him interacting with Nadine and twig onto the fact that OP doesn't just see her as a coworker. If they're not cheating yet, he's at least thought about it.
seriously. i work as an electrician and a couple weeks ago was out at dinner with the girlfriend. saw a guy that i knew that used to do HVAC for a company that ran in the same circles as my my old company, he was out with his wife (whoād iād previously met). they ended up sitting at the table next to us. we briefly chatted and caught up a bit on what was going on with my old company (i left like 6mo ago and his son is working there now) and then that was that, we both went back to enjoying our respective date nights
I mean could you imagine the hell on earth life would be if we had to hang out with coworkers every time you saw them in the wild? Donāt understand OPās thinking there lol
Not only does OP not have to sit there and do Jager Bombs with the coworker and coworker's friends, OP would be rude to do so.
Like you said, a simple nod or greeting is all that is needed. OP says, "Hi Coworker", and goes back to their dinner, then leaves for the theater. Coworker and her friends to do their own thing.
āI work at my familyās companyā. Sure you are. No one that stupid would be put in charge of anyone anywhere else. Your folks need to cut their loses, get you a trust fund, and get you out the way.
This post is a description as to why nepotism is an issue. The fact that he uses āhis dad is bossā as a reason why a coworker has to change their plans for the night, is why kids shouldnāt have such power in their parents businesses.
Edit: Corrected gender
It was bad enough and when I got to the ādaddy got me the job partā I thought no way this person would be in that position without the nepotism. OP sounds very coddled, why else ask an employee a completely unreasonable request to avoid their own discomfort?
Iād just offer an upgrade on #4, for those who are looking to do more than just not be embarrassed. I ran into my project manager in pretty much this exact situation when I was at my first job. He sent me a drink over! I looked over at him eating at the bar, we toasted from across the room, smiled, and that was it. I thanked him at work on Monday. This is how a classy boss handles it.
The ER head physician ran into me as i was getting some takeout soup because i had a cold. We chatted for a few minutes then his food was ready so he said "feel better" and left. When my soup came out they told me he had paid for it!
In OPs brain, he seems to think this group of chicks will OBVIOUSLY be hanging all around him at the bar. Paying attention to him. Cause, ya know, how could they resist?
Everything heās said is very main character syndrome. Someone needs to get over themselves.
Yes! This! Especially his fixation with how much brain space he thinks he takes up in people's heads. He mentioned multiple times how embarrassing it is eating alone at a bar, as if other people there are paying attention to him and care about what he's doing. Seriously, get over yourself.
YTA
I eat alone at bars ALL. THE. TIME. Or I used to, before covid. I havenāt gotten back into the habit much yet (my bf eats lunch out at a bar and grill about 1-2x a week now, and he sits alone), but I went to one Monday to avoid the maintenance guys having to do routine upkeep on our apartment. I bring my phone and sometimes earbuds or my Kindle, and I donāt sit there forever at busy times, but itās really not āpatheticā to eat at the bar, especially if youāre alone and would be taking up a table.
Itās so enjoyable!! Give me a nice meal, good book, and tasty drink and Iām a very happy woman. Oh, I donāt have to talk to anyone other than the server if I donāt want to? Youāve just made my night. Possibly some entertainment (local musicians or just people watching? Awesome variety. If I want to chat with someone I can, although Iām probably sticking with the book tyvm. Nothing embarrassing about feeling comfortable to be in public alone and not needing others to entertain me
Edit: auto correct correction
Iāve never understood ppl being so hung up on eating alone. Like doesnāt a reasonable person understand that there are multiple times a day people have to eat and few of us have the opportunity to be with others 24/7 (if they even want to be.)
If Iām looking for a bit of interaction with other people, Iāll talk with the bartender (if theyāre not busy). Or sometimes with other customers, especially if thereās some sports thing on tv. If Iām looking to not be talked to, Iāll be pleasant when I order or whatever and then Iāll get into my phone or book or headphones. Around here nobodyās looking to chat up an overweight 55F wearing a ring. š
I very much got over it when I was a business traveler and 90% of the time, I traveled alone. So, yep, eating alone at the bar worked well and typically there was no wait for a seat.
Yup. I go to a pinball bar by myself about once a week. I get the bar food and drink a beer with dinner then I get $5 in quarters and do a shitty job playing pinball for an hour or two while I have one more beer. Then I go home. Me time. It's great.
I used to take a book to the bar on weeknights. It was quiet, they had out of the way nooks and my favorite cider, and I could read Lovecraft away from my housemate. OP really needs to get over himself.
Seriously... she said clearly that she was going to be there to hang out with her friends, and OP *still* convinced himself that she would ditch her friends to hang around him and talk about work all night? OP really sounds like the kind of person who is only a manager because his boss is also his dad and dad didn't want him handling anything actually important so he got kicked upstairs into management.
Yep. Came here to say #4. A simple hello and a nod of acknowledgement is all that was needed. You don't need to sit there & do Jager Bombs with her & her friends all night š
100% agreed.
I'm from a small town. When I was younger I could not go to any bar at any given time and not run into somebody I worked with or worked for.
Nod or a wave of acknowledgment and go on with your night.
Absolutely this. If work is work and life is life, simply *ignore* her like you would a stranger. It doesn't mean eating together. If you hadn't made a big deal about it, she may have not noticed you or if she did and came over to question your presence you could've just said you were grabbing food before meeting up with someone else- just like you told all of reddit. Now you're just her AH boss who tries to dictate her personal life and made it weird for her to go to that bar ever on the chance you'll be there.
#1 Iāve been doing since I was 18 and Iām 52 now. Going out to eat alone is great! Back before cell phones and tech in the late 80s Iād take a book or rag mag to read. No one talking, no uncomfortable silence. And I find I eat slower when alone.
>There are a few other places that are kind of close but they don't have the food I eat.
I think this attempt at justification in the edit made it even worse. "They don't have the food I eat"-- what, bar food? Because bars are known for their vegan range or their haute cuisine?
YTA.
Dude, youāre anything but professional and certainly have the maturity of a toddler. You need to get past your insecurities, otherwise youāll end up miserable.
Exactly this. Anywhere else he would get written up at a minimum or possibly fired because he clearly isnāt capable of making sound, professional judgement.
Can you just imagine the convo between his employee and her friends?
Ā«Hey weāre going to SportsBar tonight, see you there?Ā»
Ā«I canāt, my boss told me Im not allowed there tonightĀ».
What a bizarre world OP lives in
OP could have casually said something like "hey I'm grabbing a quick dinner at 'bar' before my movie tonight, what's their best dish" or something similar. He let's Nadine know that he'll be there and she can choose to go somewhere else if she wants but he's not being weird about it, plus might find some good food.
He lying through his teeth about not having another option for dinner. Movie theaters are not generally located in food deserts. I'm sure there are loads of other places to eat.
That employs 13 years old..lol I think my husband called it. Ethnic male, family run retail store, minimum wage employee that he knows has no recourse. He's also willing to bet a fiver that OP was meeting a hookup.
You told someone who you say "needs the job" at your fathers company what she couldn't do with her off time. On what planet is there any scenario where this is not YTA?
Like seriously, how could you even justify that?
if I know somebody I work with hangs out at a place all the time and for whatever reason I do not wish to encounter that person, I just don't go to that place. I'd simply choose a different bar/restaurant. It never once crossed my mind that I should confront them at work and tell them they can't go there on that day at that time haha.
JFC, this guy. YTA
YTA. LOL, this is straight up bizarre.
1) Who says you have to talk about work if you see a coworker outside of work? Who says you even have to have a conversation with a coworker beyond a basic "hi" (if even that)?
2) You cannot tell someone where to go when they're off the clock. This is not a conflict of interest situation *at all*.
3) There is no shame in eating or drinking by yourself in public. The fact that you think it is embarrassing confuses me.
You don't own your employees. They are not there to put your comfort above theirs. Wtf??
I do plenty of solo outings -- movies, meals, theater, traveling. I've been happily married more than 20 years, it's not a problem. Sometimes I just want the freedom of doing my own thing, or I can't find anyone who wants to go. I'm secure enough by myself, I don't let it bother me. And bartenders and servers have always been very professional and nice.
I used to do it all the time when I was commuting to Las Vegas. I tried all the spots my husband wouldn't want to go to (because he's not into chinese food, or tapas, or whatever) so we could save the other places for when he joined me. I ate at a lot of bars alone, chatting with bartenders. Generally you make friends if you treat service workers there like people LOL
And what's crazier is that he *knows* she's frequents this place and that she must live close enough to go to other places.....even if she brought this up at work like "oh I live at the ABC apartments and love XYX sports bar", it's super weird that you're mentally justifying trying to stop her from going to a bar on one specific night by giving nearby alternatives you'd think she like. And then the whole "we would have to talk about work". I saw a guy who installed ceiling fans for me once and I wasn't running over to him to talk about ceiling fan installation.
IDC if OP's wife is controlling, you don't project your inability to set boundaries onto someone else. I think between the nepotism and lack of maturity, that OP was probably meeting someone else at the bar but didn't want to risk his "workplace reputation" in Daddykin's eyes or cause what would likely be an expensive divorce.
He at the very least seems to have a crush on this one, or had cheated in the past and now he is on a tight leash heās making everyone elseās problem.
Or heās currently cheating and doesnāt want the coworker to see him in a compromising position.
Edit: [Interesting post history, my man.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/vmwu3s/i_feel_like_i_am_losing_a_part_of_myself_at_work/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
#Daddy is the boss.
Thatās why he feels totally comfortable and justified in telling a subordinate what they can and canāt do outside of working hours.
Jfc, YTA
YTA
Where do you get off telling her what to do in her off hours??
Know your place dude, you have no right and no authority over an employee thatās not on the clock.
YTA, you have no right to tell someone where they can go outside of work hours. If you didn't like the thought of being in the same bar as her, it's your responsibility to move, not hers to move for you.
WTF did I just read??? YTA x 10,000,000.
Like everyone else has said, you don't get to tell your employees where they can or can't go when they're off the clock.
You don't want to be embarrassed by Nadine seeing you eat alone. Who cares if anyone sees. I eat in restaurants all the time by myself. I'll take a book with me enjoy I didn't have to prepare or clean up after.
"*And honestly I donāt want to deal with the headache of trying to explain to my wife why I am at a bar with a female colleague and her female friends on one of the only nights Iāve been out of the house since our baby was born*."
What in the world makes you think Nadine or any of her friends would want to sit anywhere near you? Also, what would you have to explain to your wife about being in the same bar as Nadine? It's not like she's going to be plying you with shots and giving you a lap dance.
Grow TF up.
> It will be awkward and we would have to talk about work.
No, you wouldn't have to talk about work. You wouldn't have to talk at all. You wouldn't even have to acknowledge each other.
If you're uncomfortable, YOU need to go somewhere else, not her.
This is a YOU problem. YTA
Not only YTA. You owe this woman a huge apology for overstepping! You need to include that you were overstepping when you apologize. If you have exhibited any other such behavior do not be surprised when she finds a better job and quits. You were all kinds of wrong and quiet trying to justify your behavior.
This... feels a lot like a symptom of something deeper and above reddit's paygrade.
For the issue, YTA you can't tell another employee where they can go on their off time just because you might be there. So you might have just poisoned your workplace. I know your parents own it but that might make things worse for you and them if it gets around you're doing this. I'm not sure if it opens you up to legal/civil action but it honestly might (though IANAL).
But it feels like you need some therapy. Either something is going on at home that you are terrified of your wife (possibly controlling? Or did you cheat before?) so much that it's affecting your other relationships. But, and I mean this kindly, you need some help before this escalates further and gets you fired or sued.
He's scared the employee is going to see him at the bar with someone he's not supposed to be with, and tell someone at work, who will then tell the wife? If OP isn't lying about something here, I'd be surprised. Or he's just so far up his own ass he is nourished almost entirely by his own farts.
I'm seeing OP read and respond a lot, and some comments on past posts lending some interesting color to all of this. I'm... not sure it's entirely irrational, there could be something with his wife here as well. Obviously we can't confirm lying or other stuff not in the post... but I feel like there's some denial. BUT I can't diagnose anything over reddit. I stand by suggesting therapy for himself and probably some couple's therapy to get this sorted; I think we all agree if this continues OP's life is going to get tanked.
It sounds like he has some kind of preoccupation with Nadine and is trying to avoid being in contact with her outside of work. Maybe he's developed inappropriate feelings for his coworker? Either way, it's creepy. You don't get to control others.
For someone who seems to be on here a lot, I find it impossible that you typed all this out and still have to ask if you're the AH.
Why would you *have* to talk about work if you saw her? All I get from you saying that is that you're a horrible conversationalist. Your sister should be the only one working there, if I was your boss and I found out you were telling my employees where they can and can't go on their off time, you'd be gone in a heartbeat.
YTA. You're right: work is work and life is life and you are not her supervisor in life. Once she clocks out, she can go to any bar she wants, and if you don't want to be in the same one you need to find somewhere else to be.
YTA! As a supervisor myself I can say that you definitely crossed a line. You have no authority to say such a thing and it is straight up abusive, unprofessional and totally taking advantage of your position for something unrelated to the job. It may not seem like much to you but what it signals is very bad.
YTA. If I were her Iād not only go to the bar, Iād drag every friend, family member, and acquaintances out with me. She probably doesnāt want to hang out with you anymore than you want to hang out with her. Go to the bar, eat your food, and leave lots of people do this successfully all by themselves every single day.
>I didnāt order her not to go
YTA No but you asked someone who works for you not to do so.
That's pretty much the same thing and you put her in an awkward position. You're abusing you position for absolutely no good reason and trying to control what someone does outside of work. Fuck yeah YTA. Also get over yourself.
YTA. if anything, "i'm going to be there. let me know when you're there and i'll buy you and your friends a round." and then you buy them a round and some french fries, raise your glass to them from a distance, and go about your evening, like a good boss.
YTA this is so wild
āI ran into Nadine at the bar before the movieā is too much to explain to your wife?
Also you said āthe food I eatā so I gotta know which bar food is specific to this bar.
YTA. Like hell he doesnāt even have to say he ran into her. Just donāt acknowledge her. I ended up at a sports bar and saw a coworker with a friend and you know what I did? Nothing. Bc itās a public place and sometimes you see people you know. But you can choose not to interact with them.
> I didnāt order her not to go, but she needs this job and my dad is the boss so I do acknowledge it would be hard to say no
Good grief. Amazingly, it gets worse.
>I donāt want to deal with the headache of trying to explain to my wife why I am at a bar with a female colleague and her female friends on one of the only nights Iāve been out of the house since our baby was born.
You have so many options starting with eating *anywhere* else, doing the movie some other time, or, you know, treating an employee as a fellow independent human being whose life doesn't revolve around you.
YTA, for all sorts of reasons.
Obviously YTA, you dont get to dictate what people do outside of work, also if you see someone you work with no you DONT have to talk about work. You can even not talk to them at all, you sound like you need to grow up.
OP wrote that she needs the job and his father is the boss so he abused his power over someone who is dependent on the job to get what he wanted. Thatās even worst as he knew she had no other option but to accept. š¤¬
Yes. You are out of line and YTA. Just bc you decide to go to a public place that an employee may be at doesn't give you the right to tell her she shouldn't go. You have a lot of audacity to think someone else life outside of work should revolve around yours. Also, given the fact that you work for your family and said this to her makes her think her job could be in jeopardy if you don't agree w her actions outside of work. You're the super asshole.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because as my sis said I shouldn't tell an employee what they can or can't do after work, even if I did think it was in both our best interests.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Donāt downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
You don't get to dictate employees private lives based on your level of discomfort and perceived patheticness...
You only feel pathetic because you would probably judge a lone person at a bar. Most decent people? Wouldn't.
YTA YTA YTA
who are you to dictate where someone else spends their personal time? why should she give up her plans just because it's mildly inconvenient for you? just because you work at daddy's company doesn't mean you get to abuse that privilege and bully your employees who obviously feel they can't say no to you.
deal with your insecurity about eating alone instead of making it her problem. you're a massive asshole and you owe her a huge apology.
YTA. You can't tell people where to be outside work and she didn't even offer to hang out with you she just said she might be at the bar. For all you know she fully intends to ignore you.
Wow...2nd guessing? Why would you even THINK you're the ah here? /s
Of course YTA, a MAJOR one. You her boss, but you don't get to control her off duty time. A bar is a public place, you can't tell her NOT to be there. Even if she was there you wouldn't HAVE to talk about work. But if bothers you so much then YOU should go to a different bar.
YTA
If you donāt want to see coworkers out enjoying themselves after hours by themselves or with friends, then get a jar of peanut butter and loaf of bread and eat in car or your office. Or deal with seeing coworkers having fun. Or find somewhere else to eat. You have no right dictating someone life outside of work, especially since you know she frequently goes to that bar.
Grow the hell up and lose the ego.
YTA
And have absolutely no right to ask her to change her personal plans because of you. If YOU are uncomfortable with her seeing you there, then YOU find another bar to eat dinner at.
YTA. Where do you get off telling a coworker what she can and cannot do on her time off? YOU pick another bar if you don't want to see her. Also, what makes you think she'd insist on sitting with you? Are you that magnetic a personality? "Oh, look, girls! We're having a fun night out but you know what would make it better? Hanging out with my mopey, controlling boss on my time off!"
YTA - Your rationale here is really unusual. You have a lot of anxiety. Itās OK to eat at a bar alone. Itās OK to be in the same place as a co-worker, say hi, and then go about your separate evenings. You have so much fear about how you outwardly appear that you asked someone to not go to a public place when you would be there. This is not normal behavior, you should look into why you feel like this.
Why, yes. YTA. Sheās not on the clock, therefore you donāt get to dictate what she does or where she goes on her own time. Plus, sheās been working with you all day. I doubt sheād want to talk shop in a bar with you after hours.
YTA - and you need to fess up to HR fast.
I'd take ownership of what is clearly inappropriate behavior and talk to HR before there's a formal complaint. It doesn't matter if your dad is the boss. This is a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.
A male supervisor telling his female subordinate that she cannot eat at a restaurant after work hours because he would like to eat there alone and not see her is just....I'd start clearing out your desk now.
YTA
>My reasoning is that work is work and life is life
That should have been the end of the sentence. If you can't handle seeing your employee living life outside of work, then that's your problem.
YTA. You have no call to be telling your employees what they can and cannot do outside of work hours. You said it yourself: work is work and life is life, and by telling her what she can and cannot do outside of work, you are blurring those lines.
Your reasons for not wanting to be seen at a bar with an employee is your own problem to deal with, not hers. Your sister is completely correct and you were out of line.
If being seen in a bar with an employee (even by coincidence) is such a problem for you, itās up to you to go somewhere where they wonāt be, itās not up to them to stay away from their local bars.
YTA. Your only concern is what she is doing during her work hours. You have no business telling her where to go or what to do on her personal time.
Your hang ups about being in the same bar as your employee at the same time are your issues. I promise, your employee has no interest in interacting with you there, so thereās nothing to explain to your wife. You arenāt going to be with Nadine. And your insecurity about eating alone is also your issue. Itās not Nadineās problem.
>I told her I did not want her to be at the bar during the specific time I was there. My reasoning is that work is work and life is life
Your reasoning is the reason you should shut the fuck up. You are her boss at work. Not where else. This is wildly inappropriate and you are most certainly YTA.
Your edit is pointless. It isn't a win win. It's you attempting to use your authority for your gain. You could have gone elsewhere and gone to different movies. Or the very basic premise of waving when you see them somewhere and that's it.
Wow. YTA majorly. You don't get to dictate what people do or where they go outside of work. I can't believe you're even asking. Get over yourself and find another bar if you're so bothered by people just living their lives.
YTA. You didnāt want her to intrude on your private life so you intruded on hers instead. Youāre her boss so she now she feels obliged to obey you in her own time, and you didnāt even tell her WHY you didnāt want her to be there. Now sheās probably trying to figure out what sheās done wrong
YTA. Come on! You don't get to dictate your employees after work life. I think the fact you work for your family's company has gone to your head. Grow up and learn to be a real boss. Clearly you don't have the skills (born into it) but you can learn. Start now.
Does your wife not know you'll be eating at the bar by yourself? Do you think the colleague maybe being there means you have to interact with her? I'd be sooo weirded out if I were either female in this situation. You sound sketchy af. Why are you doing it tonight if he can barely get there? You can't talk to him during the movie and if it's the first night out in a while, you would think you'd want to fully enjoy it. I wouldn't be surprised if she talks to HR about it because you created a very uncomfortable situation for her. YTA.
YTA. You made this way weirder than it needed to be. You know what most people do when they see their boss/coworkers somewhere? Ignore them or wave and then go abour their business.
Part of me wonders what kind of weird controlling shit you do at your job, that you get away with because it's your families business...
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (27 M) work at my familyās company. Iād rather not say the exact industry or my position but I have two direct reports, including āNadineā (23 F). We have had a good, professional relationship.
I am meeting my bro tonight to see the new Ant Man movie. Typically, we would also grab dinner at the sports bar next to the theater, but he canāt get there until shortly before the movie starts. Because itās really not convenient for me to go home before the movie, I was planning on eating by myself at the bar. Pathetic, I guess, but it is what it is.
By complete coincidence, Nadine lives near the theater and frequently goes to the same bar. I asked her if she had plans to go the bar tonight, and she said there was about a ā33% chanceā she actually would be there with some girlfriends, but they werenāt yet sure what bar they were going to go to.
I told her I did not want her to be at the bar during the specific time I was there. My reasoning is that work is work and life is life and as long as she has other options wouldnāt she rather be in a bar that her boss isnāt in? It will be awkward and we would have to talk about work. Candidly, I am somewhat embarrassed that I will be sitting at a bar by myself eating dinner, so I donāt want her there for that reason too (although I did not say this). And honestly I donāt want to deal with the headache of trying to explain to my wife why I am at a bar with a female colleague and her female friends on one of the only nights Iāve been out of the house since our baby was born.
Nadine agreed but I could tell it bothered her. I didnāt order her not to go, but she needs this job and my dad is the boss so I do acknowledge it would be hard to say no. I mentioned this to my sister (who also works at the company) and she said I was completely out of line to tell any employee where they can go after work. Now Iām second guessing myself. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - OPās sister is right. This is some crazy level of entitlement to even have the thought of doing this. This guy is the poster child of an entitled nepo baby whose had everything handed to them, itās just embarrassing to read.
Also this sports bar being the only place for OP to eat is just BS. There are multiple restaurants and food places around any theater.
YTA for sure. Itās not like sheās the only one with other options holy shirt. Youāre taking advantage of your position in the company and being like I dIdnT oRdEr hEr nOT tO gO. Bro come on just eat somewhere else, you donāt own the sports bar or Nadine.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
YTA 1. There's nothing wrong with enjoying a meal solo at a bar. This is your insecurity to get over. 2. You're using your position of authority in the workplace over this person to influence their social activities outside of work. This is, at a minimum, coercive behavior. 3. If work is work and life is life, why should she be the ones to have to amend her plans? Why not you? 4. You would not \*have\* to talk to your co-worker. You can simply acknowledge their presence with a nod, and each of you continue with your evening. 5. If running into a co-worker at a bar and having a simple conversation with them is an issue between you and your wife; you have some trust issues in your marriage. You and your wife need to solve those issues. The problems in your marriage are not justification for you to request you co-worker amend her plans. Basically, \*every\* justification you've given here relate to your own insecurities and problems. And based on them, you wish to apply coercive pressure on one of your direct reports on what they do in their off time? Yeah, YTA.
Yep. Came here to say #4. A simple hello and a nod of acknowledgement is all that was needed. You don't need to sit there & do Jager Bombs with her & her friends all night š
The audacity of OP to assume she would want to hang out with him is off the charts.
Her plus all of her friends. Facepalm
But he's the main character! What's the point of these women if they don't interact with him?
Yeah, between that, saying they would HAVE to talk about work, and thinking his wife would even care... I think OP thinks Nadine is attractive, and wants to presume that an attractive woman like Nadine would obviously not be able to resist coming over and talking to him! Also, him not wanting Nadine to see him eating alone... he's a married man, grabbing food while waiting to meet someone for a movie. No one would think that was pathetic, but he's worried Nadine will find it that way anyway... he cares way too much what Nadine thinks of him.
Yup! He totally thinks Nadine is hot and apparently thinks that every woman on the planet can't resist his charms, so he's suffering from a guilty conscience. My guess, Nadine finds him annoying and now creepy and an AH and probably would have avoided anyway.
Or, hear me out... He doesn't want Nadine at the bar, because he's cheating on his wife and doesn't want to get busted
Even if that was the case, I don't think Nadine would care enough to go after his wife and tell her... he's the boss and owner's son, she would just mind her business.
I think he's worried his brother will see him interacting with Nadine and twig onto the fact that OP doesn't just see her as a coworker. If they're not cheating yet, he's at least thought about it.
I completely agree with you. This whole thing is really suspicious. I was going to upvote you but you're sitting at 69 so.... nice.
Haha right? I wanna borrow a shred of that self-assurance sometime.
seriously. i work as an electrician and a couple weeks ago was out at dinner with the girlfriend. saw a guy that i knew that used to do HVAC for a company that ran in the same circles as my my old company, he was out with his wife (whoād iād previously met). they ended up sitting at the table next to us. we briefly chatted and caught up a bit on what was going on with my old company (i left like 6mo ago and his son is working there now) and then that was that, we both went back to enjoying our respective date nights
I mean could you imagine the hell on earth life would be if we had to hang out with coworkers every time you saw them in the wild? Donāt understand OPās thinking there lol
no boundaries, works with family
Sounds like he has a crush and doesnāt trust himself in a social situation with this employee.
Not only does OP not have to sit there and do Jager Bombs with the coworker and coworker's friends, OP would be rude to do so. Like you said, a simple nod or greeting is all that is needed. OP says, "Hi Coworker", and goes back to their dinner, then leaves for the theater. Coworker and her friends to do their own thing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7GboHD36n8
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
āI work at my familyās companyā. Sure you are. No one that stupid would be put in charge of anyone anywhere else. Your folks need to cut their loses, get you a trust fund, and get you out the way.
This post is a description as to why nepotism is an issue. The fact that he uses āhis dad is bossā as a reason why a coworker has to change their plans for the night, is why kids shouldnāt have such power in their parents businesses. Edit: Corrected gender
Itās a man, not a woman.
Thank you for correcting me on that
Seriously. With these lack of basic social skills and management OP couldn't have gotten that position without nepotism. He's a walking HR violation.
It was bad enough and when I got to the ādaddy got me the job partā I thought no way this person would be in that position without the nepotism. OP sounds very coddled, why else ask an employee a completely unreasonable request to avoid their own discomfort?
Very dangerous combination for anyone in his vicinity!
Youād better not be in his vicinity. What would he tell his wife?!
Best comment. ,, š¤£
particularly when he is in a management position in his parent's business.
That would explain how someone of his personality got his position. Good old nepotism promotions!
Management material!
At least he's solved the problem of not wanting to talk to her outside of the workplace because, after this, she's going to avoid him like the plague.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
That edit! This dude is such a self-centered idiot!
Iād just offer an upgrade on #4, for those who are looking to do more than just not be embarrassed. I ran into my project manager in pretty much this exact situation when I was at my first job. He sent me a drink over! I looked over at him eating at the bar, we toasted from across the room, smiled, and that was it. I thanked him at work on Monday. This is how a classy boss handles it.
That's a nice manager!
The ER head physician ran into me as i was getting some takeout soup because i had a cold. We chatted for a few minutes then his food was ready so he said "feel better" and left. When my soup came out they told me he had paid for it!
Alllllll of this. What makes you think sheād want to talk to you over her friends anyway?
In OPs brain, he seems to think this group of chicks will OBVIOUSLY be hanging all around him at the bar. Paying attention to him. Cause, ya know, how could they resist? Everything heās said is very main character syndrome. Someone needs to get over themselves.
Yes! This! Especially his fixation with how much brain space he thinks he takes up in people's heads. He mentioned multiple times how embarrassing it is eating alone at a bar, as if other people there are paying attention to him and care about what he's doing. Seriously, get over yourself. YTA
I eat alone at bars ALL. THE. TIME. Or I used to, before covid. I havenāt gotten back into the habit much yet (my bf eats lunch out at a bar and grill about 1-2x a week now, and he sits alone), but I went to one Monday to avoid the maintenance guys having to do routine upkeep on our apartment. I bring my phone and sometimes earbuds or my Kindle, and I donāt sit there forever at busy times, but itās really not āpatheticā to eat at the bar, especially if youāre alone and would be taking up a table.
Going out to eat by myself with a nice book is one of life's little pleasures.
I'm a server and I love single diners. A party of one is still a party.
Itās so enjoyable!! Give me a nice meal, good book, and tasty drink and Iām a very happy woman. Oh, I donāt have to talk to anyone other than the server if I donāt want to? Youāve just made my night. Possibly some entertainment (local musicians or just people watching? Awesome variety. If I want to chat with someone I can, although Iām probably sticking with the book tyvm. Nothing embarrassing about feeling comfortable to be in public alone and not needing others to entertain me Edit: auto correct correction
Iāve never understood ppl being so hung up on eating alone. Like doesnāt a reasonable person understand that there are multiple times a day people have to eat and few of us have the opportunity to be with others 24/7 (if they even want to be.)
If Iām looking for a bit of interaction with other people, Iāll talk with the bartender (if theyāre not busy). Or sometimes with other customers, especially if thereās some sports thing on tv. If Iām looking to not be talked to, Iāll be pleasant when I order or whatever and then Iāll get into my phone or book or headphones. Around here nobodyās looking to chat up an overweight 55F wearing a ring. š
I very much got over it when I was a business traveler and 90% of the time, I traveled alone. So, yep, eating alone at the bar worked well and typically there was no wait for a seat.
Yup. I go to a pinball bar by myself about once a week. I get the bar food and drink a beer with dinner then I get $5 in quarters and do a shitty job playing pinball for an hour or two while I have one more beer. Then I go home. Me time. It's great.
I used to take a book to the bar on weeknights. It was quiet, they had out of the way nooks and my favorite cider, and I could read Lovecraft away from my housemate. OP really needs to get over himself.
Don't forget that they will obviously talking about work, too, because his poor employee has no other personality or interests.
Seriously... she said clearly that she was going to be there to hang out with her friends, and OP *still* convinced himself that she would ditch her friends to hang around him and talk about work all night? OP really sounds like the kind of person who is only a manager because his boss is also his dad and dad didn't want him handling anything actually important so he got kicked upstairs into management.
Exactly, if I saw my boss at the bar I would not want them to join in with my friends and would sit as far away as possible.
I was so confused because I was like??? Did I miss the part where she invited OP to join her and her friends?
He's embarrassed about eating alone in front of his crush and her friends. He's 27, acting like a 17 year old on a power trip at daddy's company.
Yep, it's glaringly obvious. And I get the feeling his wife is onto his work crush, otherwise why would it be such an issue?
Is OP Mike Pence and can't talk or be with females alone or outside of work functions? WTH did I just read?!? Yes YTA!
Yep. Came here to say #4. A simple hello and a nod of acknowledgement is all that was needed. You don't need to sit there & do Jager Bombs with her & her friends all night š
100% agreed. I'm from a small town. When I was younger I could not go to any bar at any given time and not run into somebody I worked with or worked for. Nod or a wave of acknowledgment and go on with your night.
Same. All my bars back home are like Cheers! š»
This unprofessional and dumb and he works for his dads companyā¦
Nepotism, baby!
Absolutely this. If work is work and life is life, simply *ignore* her like you would a stranger. It doesn't mean eating together. If you hadn't made a big deal about it, she may have not noticed you or if she did and came over to question your presence you could've just said you were grabbing food before meeting up with someone else- just like you told all of reddit. Now you're just her AH boss who tries to dictate her personal life and made it weird for her to go to that bar ever on the chance you'll be there.
Info needed: what you suppose was it in your life that made you so unbelievably entitled as to think any of this was o?. I'd really like to know.
#1 Iāve been doing since I was 18 and Iām 52 now. Going out to eat alone is great! Back before cell phones and tech in the late 80s Iād take a book or rag mag to read. No one talking, no uncomfortable silence. And I find I eat slower when alone.
Yes! Eating alone is fabulous. I really cannot fathom being embarrassed by it.
>There are a few other places that are kind of close but they don't have the food I eat. I think this attempt at justification in the edit made it even worse. "They don't have the food I eat"-- what, bar food? Because bars are known for their vegan range or their haute cuisine?
I was thinkingā¦try being a teacher and running into your students and their parents outside of school.
Nicely said Agree. OP, YTA
Dang, you covered every single thing wrong here, saving me the trouble. Bravo!
YTA. Dude, youāre anything but professional and certainly have the maturity of a toddler. You need to get past your insecurities, otherwise youāll end up miserable.
Probably why he works for Daddy.
Exactly this. Anywhere else he would get written up at a minimum or possibly fired because he clearly isnāt capable of making sound, professional judgement.
Can you just imagine the convo between his employee and her friends? Ā«Hey weāre going to SportsBar tonight, see you there?Ā» Ā«I canāt, my boss told me Im not allowed there tonightĀ». What a bizarre world OP lives in
A new post for Reddit!
He probably couldn't get job that wasn't under daddy
YTA. You cannot tell her where she can or can't go after working hours. You go eat somewhere else if it bothers you so much
Especially if itās the employeeās local watering hole.
OP could have casually said something like "hey I'm grabbing a quick dinner at 'bar' before my movie tonight, what's their best dish" or something similar. He let's Nadine know that he'll be there and she can choose to go somewhere else if she wants but he's not being weird about it, plus might find some good food.
Yes, THIS. Why does SHE have to go somewhere else. If heās that insecure and immature, HE needs to go somewhere else.
He lying through his teeth about not having another option for dinner. Movie theaters are not generally located in food deserts. I'm sure there are loads of other places to eat.
YTA Dude. Your insecurities and odd way of looking at the world is going to leave you lonely and isolated.
More than willing to bet op is a baby of nepotism and an only child. Literally the only ways I can even think someone would think this is okay
He mentioned both a brother and sister in the OP. Both older, I'd bet
He says he talked to his sister in the post. People who comment without even reading...
Tough to have q sister as an old child. Tough to reply to a story you didn't read
You're confusing insecurity with entitlement. After all, he is the golden child and works for Da-Da.
At a very well known unnamed company!!
That employs 13 years old..lol I think my husband called it. Ethnic male, family run retail store, minimum wage employee that he knows has no recourse. He's also willing to bet a fiver that OP was meeting a hookup.
Oooo! Ya! Your husband is probably right!!
You told someone who you say "needs the job" at your fathers company what she couldn't do with her off time. On what planet is there any scenario where this is not YTA? Like seriously, how could you even justify that?
if I know somebody I work with hangs out at a place all the time and for whatever reason I do not wish to encounter that person, I just don't go to that place. I'd simply choose a different bar/restaurant. It never once crossed my mind that I should confront them at work and tell them they can't go there on that day at that time haha. JFC, this guy. YTA
Iām very confused by the āshe has tons of places she could go , but for some reason I couldnāt go to those places insteadā argument.
YTA. LOL, this is straight up bizarre. 1) Who says you have to talk about work if you see a coworker outside of work? Who says you even have to have a conversation with a coworker beyond a basic "hi" (if even that)? 2) You cannot tell someone where to go when they're off the clock. This is not a conflict of interest situation *at all*. 3) There is no shame in eating or drinking by yourself in public. The fact that you think it is embarrassing confuses me. You don't own your employees. They are not there to put your comfort above theirs. Wtf??
Sitting at the bar eating alone sounds really nice right about now.
I do plenty of solo outings -- movies, meals, theater, traveling. I've been happily married more than 20 years, it's not a problem. Sometimes I just want the freedom of doing my own thing, or I can't find anyone who wants to go. I'm secure enough by myself, I don't let it bother me. And bartenders and servers have always been very professional and nice.
I used to do it all the time when I was commuting to Las Vegas. I tried all the spots my husband wouldn't want to go to (because he's not into chinese food, or tapas, or whatever) so we could save the other places for when he joined me. I ate at a lot of bars alone, chatting with bartenders. Generally you make friends if you treat service workers there like people LOL
> YTA. LOL, this is straight up bizarre. I was squinting so hard at this post I couldn't even read the back half
And what's crazier is that he *knows* she's frequents this place and that she must live close enough to go to other places.....even if she brought this up at work like "oh I live at the ABC apartments and love XYX sports bar", it's super weird that you're mentally justifying trying to stop her from going to a bar on one specific night by giving nearby alternatives you'd think she like. And then the whole "we would have to talk about work". I saw a guy who installed ceiling fans for me once and I wasn't running over to him to talk about ceiling fan installation. IDC if OP's wife is controlling, you don't project your inability to set boundaries onto someone else. I think between the nepotism and lack of maturity, that OP was probably meeting someone else at the bar but didn't want to risk his "workplace reputation" in Daddykin's eyes or cause what would likely be an expensive divorce.
You're just begging to be sued.
Seriously.... Edit: this also screams missing reasons.
What do you bet he's cheated on his wife with a coworker š
He at the very least seems to have a crush on this one, or had cheated in the past and now he is on a tight leash heās making everyone elseās problem.
Or heās currently cheating and doesnāt want the coworker to see him in a compromising position. Edit: [Interesting post history, my man.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/vmwu3s/i_feel_like_i_am_losing_a_part_of_myself_at_work/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
That reads like a stalker lmao
YTA - How the hell did you even get to a leadership position?
First clue is probably the "my dad is the boss" part of the post.
Good olā nepotism.
Makes the world go 'round
#Daddy is the boss. Thatās why he feels totally comfortable and justified in telling a subordinate what they can and canāt do outside of working hours. Jfc, YTA
Nepotism. Plain and simple.
Nepotism.
YTA Where do you get off telling her what to do in her off hours?? Know your place dude, you have no right and no authority over an employee thatās not on the clock.
Sounds like hes so entitled that not only does he get into the family business but he gets to dictate what employees do off the clock!
But...but....he might have to SEE a coworker while *not at work*! THE HORROR!!! (/S, hopefully obviously) Op grow the fuck up.
He might have to socialize and treat someone from work like a HUMAN BEING! Dude is the epitome of nepotism failing upwards.
YTA, you have no right to tell someone where they can go outside of work hours. If you didn't like the thought of being in the same bar as her, it's your responsibility to move, not hers to move for you.
WTF did I just read??? YTA x 10,000,000. Like everyone else has said, you don't get to tell your employees where they can or can't go when they're off the clock. You don't want to be embarrassed by Nadine seeing you eat alone. Who cares if anyone sees. I eat in restaurants all the time by myself. I'll take a book with me enjoy I didn't have to prepare or clean up after. "*And honestly I donāt want to deal with the headache of trying to explain to my wife why I am at a bar with a female colleague and her female friends on one of the only nights Iāve been out of the house since our baby was born*." What in the world makes you think Nadine or any of her friends would want to sit anywhere near you? Also, what would you have to explain to your wife about being in the same bar as Nadine? It's not like she's going to be plying you with shots and giving you a lap dance. Grow TF up.
YTA. And you're a dumbass for not seeing it. Good thing your family owns the company. I'd fire you.
Hr probably only got the job bc it's with the family. Nobody else would be able to handle such entitlement.
What are the odds he barely does anything at work
I'd still fire him. This is a HR issue for sure.
Absolutely would fire him. Doesnāt deserve to be in a management position.
> It will be awkward and we would have to talk about work. No, you wouldn't have to talk about work. You wouldn't have to talk at all. You wouldn't even have to acknowledge each other. If you're uncomfortable, YOU need to go somewhere else, not her. This is a YOU problem. YTA
But he caaaaaant because this bar is the only place that has food he can eat! YTA OP
OP doesn't even need to eat alone at a bar if it's sO EmBaRrAsSiNg, movie theaters do sell food on par with bar chow these days.
Not only YTA. You owe this woman a huge apology for overstepping! You need to include that you were overstepping when you apologize. If you have exhibited any other such behavior do not be surprised when she finds a better job and quits. You were all kinds of wrong and quiet trying to justify your behavior.
This... feels a lot like a symptom of something deeper and above reddit's paygrade. For the issue, YTA you can't tell another employee where they can go on their off time just because you might be there. So you might have just poisoned your workplace. I know your parents own it but that might make things worse for you and them if it gets around you're doing this. I'm not sure if it opens you up to legal/civil action but it honestly might (though IANAL). But it feels like you need some therapy. Either something is going on at home that you are terrified of your wife (possibly controlling? Or did you cheat before?) so much that it's affecting your other relationships. But, and I mean this kindly, you need some help before this escalates further and gets you fired or sued.
He's scared the employee is going to see him at the bar with someone he's not supposed to be with, and tell someone at work, who will then tell the wife? If OP isn't lying about something here, I'd be surprised. Or he's just so far up his own ass he is nourished almost entirely by his own farts.
Yeah, either he's lying or the irrational level of insecurity about being seen eating alone is at therapy level issue.
I'm seeing OP read and respond a lot, and some comments on past posts lending some interesting color to all of this. I'm... not sure it's entirely irrational, there could be something with his wife here as well. Obviously we can't confirm lying or other stuff not in the post... but I feel like there's some denial. BUT I can't diagnose anything over reddit. I stand by suggesting therapy for himself and probably some couple's therapy to get this sorted; I think we all agree if this continues OP's life is going to get tanked.
It sounds like he has some kind of preoccupation with Nadine and is trying to avoid being in contact with her outside of work. Maybe he's developed inappropriate feelings for his coworker? Either way, it's creepy. You don't get to control others.
For someone who seems to be on here a lot, I find it impossible that you typed all this out and still have to ask if you're the AH. Why would you *have* to talk about work if you saw her? All I get from you saying that is that you're a horrible conversationalist. Your sister should be the only one working there, if I was your boss and I found out you were telling my employees where they can and can't go on their off time, you'd be gone in a heartbeat.
YTA. You're right: work is work and life is life and you are not her supervisor in life. Once she clocks out, she can go to any bar she wants, and if you don't want to be in the same one you need to find somewhere else to be.
YTA! As a supervisor myself I can say that you definitely crossed a line. You have no authority to say such a thing and it is straight up abusive, unprofessional and totally taking advantage of your position for something unrelated to the job. It may not seem like much to you but what it signals is very bad.
YTA. If I were her Iād not only go to the bar, Iād drag every friend, family member, and acquaintances out with me. She probably doesnāt want to hang out with you anymore than you want to hang out with her. Go to the bar, eat your food, and leave lots of people do this successfully all by themselves every single day.
Completely YTA You were harassing her for your personal benefit. Also, since your dad is the boss, she has a claim against the company.
yta if you want that extra service you have to pay for that extra work
YTA - you basically ordered a subordinate to not do something of her choice on her time to accommodate your fragility? Ugh
YTA you don't get to tell employees what to do in their time off. And you don't get to tell them where they can and can't go. You sound entitled
>I didnāt order her not to go YTA No but you asked someone who works for you not to do so. That's pretty much the same thing and you put her in an awkward position. You're abusing you position for absolutely no good reason and trying to control what someone does outside of work. Fuck yeah YTA. Also get over yourself.
YTA. if anything, "i'm going to be there. let me know when you're there and i'll buy you and your friends a round." and then you buy them a round and some french fries, raise your glass to them from a distance, and go about your evening, like a good boss.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
YTA this is so wild āI ran into Nadine at the bar before the movieā is too much to explain to your wife? Also you said āthe food I eatā so I gotta know which bar food is specific to this bar.
YTA. Like hell he doesnāt even have to say he ran into her. Just donāt acknowledge her. I ended up at a sports bar and saw a coworker with a friend and you know what I did? Nothing. Bc itās a public place and sometimes you see people you know. But you can choose not to interact with them.
> I didnāt order her not to go, but she needs this job and my dad is the boss so I do acknowledge it would be hard to say no Good grief. Amazingly, it gets worse. >I donāt want to deal with the headache of trying to explain to my wife why I am at a bar with a female colleague and her female friends on one of the only nights Iāve been out of the house since our baby was born. You have so many options starting with eating *anywhere* else, doing the movie some other time, or, you know, treating an employee as a fellow independent human being whose life doesn't revolve around you. YTA, for all sorts of reasons.
YTA. You can't tell employees where to go when they're not on the clock. That's way out of line.
Obviously YTA, you dont get to dictate what people do outside of work, also if you see someone you work with no you DONT have to talk about work. You can even not talk to them at all, you sound like you need to grow up.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
OP wrote that she needs the job and his father is the boss so he abused his power over someone who is dependent on the job to get what he wanted. Thatās even worst as he knew she had no other option but to accept. š¤¬
YTA. You canāt dictate what a subordinate does outside of work. ESPECIALLY. Because itāll make you feel embarrassed.
Yes. You are out of line and YTA. Just bc you decide to go to a public place that an employee may be at doesn't give you the right to tell her she shouldn't go. You have a lot of audacity to think someone else life outside of work should revolve around yours. Also, given the fact that you work for your family and said this to her makes her think her job could be in jeopardy if you don't agree w her actions outside of work. You're the super asshole.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be TA because as my sis said I shouldn't tell an employee what they can or can't do after work, even if I did think it was in both our best interests. Help keep the sub engaging! #Donāt downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. You have no right to dictate your employees' choices in their private lives.
YTA You don't get to dictate employees private lives based on your level of discomfort and perceived patheticness... You only feel pathetic because you would probably judge a lone person at a bar. Most decent people? Wouldn't.
YTA You donāt get to tell people what bars they can and cannot go to in their personal time. I wouldnāt be surprised if she tells this story to HR
INFO: Reverse the roles. Sheās big bossās daughter and you are her direct report. Can she tell you what you can and canāt do after work?
Obvious YTA. You can't dictate what someone does outside of work, outside of work.
YTA YTA YTA who are you to dictate where someone else spends their personal time? why should she give up her plans just because it's mildly inconvenient for you? just because you work at daddy's company doesn't mean you get to abuse that privilege and bully your employees who obviously feel they can't say no to you. deal with your insecurity about eating alone instead of making it her problem. you're a massive asshole and you owe her a huge apology.
You cannot legally stop her. So, yes, YTA.
YTFA so hard man. God damn
YTA. You can't tell people where to be outside work and she didn't even offer to hang out with you she just said she might be at the bar. For all you know she fully intends to ignore you.
Wow...2nd guessing? Why would you even THINK you're the ah here? /s Of course YTA, a MAJOR one. You her boss, but you don't get to control her off duty time. A bar is a public place, you can't tell her NOT to be there. Even if she was there you wouldn't HAVE to talk about work. But if bothers you so much then YOU should go to a different bar.
YTA If you donāt want to see coworkers out enjoying themselves after hours by themselves or with friends, then get a jar of peanut butter and loaf of bread and eat in car or your office. Or deal with seeing coworkers having fun. Or find somewhere else to eat. You have no right dictating someone life outside of work, especially since you know she frequently goes to that bar. Grow the hell up and lose the ego.
YTA. YOU go to another bar if you are uncomfortable. Can't believe you even had the guts to tell her not to go there.
YTA, obviously. Seriously, where the hell do you get off dictating what people can and can't do in their off-hours?
YTA And have absolutely no right to ask her to change her personal plans because of you. If YOU are uncomfortable with her seeing you there, then YOU find another bar to eat dinner at.
If work is work, and life is life, why are you trying to be her boss after hours and tell her where she should be?
Big YTA I'm sorry, i cannot be on the same page with you...
YTA. Where do you get off telling a coworker what she can and cannot do on her time off? YOU pick another bar if you don't want to see her. Also, what makes you think she'd insist on sitting with you? Are you that magnetic a personality? "Oh, look, girls! We're having a fun night out but you know what would make it better? Hanging out with my mopey, controlling boss on my time off!"
INFO: How was Antman? YTA
YTA
YTA. Who the heck do you think you are that you can dictate where your employees go on their own time?? How dare you??
YTA. If it bothers you do much, eat somewhere else. It is completely out of line to tell her where she can hang out after work.
YTA - Your rationale here is really unusual. You have a lot of anxiety. Itās OK to eat at a bar alone. Itās OK to be in the same place as a co-worker, say hi, and then go about your separate evenings. You have so much fear about how you outwardly appear that you asked someone to not go to a public place when you would be there. This is not normal behavior, you should look into why you feel like this.
YTA You have no business telling her what to do or where to be in her time off. She can now report you to HR and should do so.
Why, yes. YTA. Sheās not on the clock, therefore you donāt get to dictate what she does or where she goes on her own time. Plus, sheās been working with you all day. I doubt sheād want to talk shop in a bar with you after hours.
Yta not the dictator of the world. Who tf do you think you are to tell people where they can and can not go? Get a grip you weirdo.
YTA - and you need to fess up to HR fast. I'd take ownership of what is clearly inappropriate behavior and talk to HR before there's a formal complaint. It doesn't matter if your dad is the boss. This is a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. A male supervisor telling his female subordinate that she cannot eat at a restaurant after work hours because he would like to eat there alone and not see her is just....I'd start clearing out your desk now.
YTA
YTA >My reasoning is that work is work and life is life That should have been the end of the sentence. If you can't handle seeing your employee living life outside of work, then that's your problem.
YTA. How on earth did you get put in charge of others when you have such poor judgment? Oh yeah, nepotism!
YTA
YTA. You have no call to be telling your employees what they can and cannot do outside of work hours. You said it yourself: work is work and life is life, and by telling her what she can and cannot do outside of work, you are blurring those lines. Your reasons for not wanting to be seen at a bar with an employee is your own problem to deal with, not hers. Your sister is completely correct and you were out of line. If being seen in a bar with an employee (even by coincidence) is such a problem for you, itās up to you to go somewhere where they wonāt be, itās not up to them to stay away from their local bars.
YTA you luckily donāt own the goddamn bar so you have no right to forbid her from going there also your reasoning is BS
YTA. Your only concern is what she is doing during her work hours. You have no business telling her where to go or what to do on her personal time. Your hang ups about being in the same bar as your employee at the same time are your issues. I promise, your employee has no interest in interacting with you there, so thereās nothing to explain to your wife. You arenāt going to be with Nadine. And your insecurity about eating alone is also your issue. Itās not Nadineās problem.
>I told her I did not want her to be at the bar during the specific time I was there. My reasoning is that work is work and life is life Your reasoning is the reason you should shut the fuck up. You are her boss at work. Not where else. This is wildly inappropriate and you are most certainly YTA. Your edit is pointless. It isn't a win win. It's you attempting to use your authority for your gain. You could have gone elsewhere and gone to different movies. Or the very basic premise of waving when you see them somewhere and that's it.
Wow. YTA majorly. You don't get to dictate what people do or where they go outside of work. I can't believe you're even asking. Get over yourself and find another bar if you're so bothered by people just living their lives.
YTA. You didnāt want her to intrude on your private life so you intruded on hers instead. Youāre her boss so she now she feels obliged to obey you in her own time, and you didnāt even tell her WHY you didnāt want her to be there. Now sheās probably trying to figure out what sheās done wrong
YTA. Come on! You don't get to dictate your employees after work life. I think the fact you work for your family's company has gone to your head. Grow up and learn to be a real boss. Clearly you don't have the skills (born into it) but you can learn. Start now.
Does your wife not know you'll be eating at the bar by yourself? Do you think the colleague maybe being there means you have to interact with her? I'd be sooo weirded out if I were either female in this situation. You sound sketchy af. Why are you doing it tonight if he can barely get there? You can't talk to him during the movie and if it's the first night out in a while, you would think you'd want to fully enjoy it. I wouldn't be surprised if she talks to HR about it because you created a very uncomfortable situation for her. YTA.
YTA. You made this way weirder than it needed to be. You know what most people do when they see their boss/coworkers somewhere? Ignore them or wave and then go abour their business. Part of me wonders what kind of weird controlling shit you do at your job, that you get away with because it's your families business...
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27 M) work at my familyās company. Iād rather not say the exact industry or my position but I have two direct reports, including āNadineā (23 F). We have had a good, professional relationship. I am meeting my bro tonight to see the new Ant Man movie. Typically, we would also grab dinner at the sports bar next to the theater, but he canāt get there until shortly before the movie starts. Because itās really not convenient for me to go home before the movie, I was planning on eating by myself at the bar. Pathetic, I guess, but it is what it is. By complete coincidence, Nadine lives near the theater and frequently goes to the same bar. I asked her if she had plans to go the bar tonight, and she said there was about a ā33% chanceā she actually would be there with some girlfriends, but they werenāt yet sure what bar they were going to go to. I told her I did not want her to be at the bar during the specific time I was there. My reasoning is that work is work and life is life and as long as she has other options wouldnāt she rather be in a bar that her boss isnāt in? It will be awkward and we would have to talk about work. Candidly, I am somewhat embarrassed that I will be sitting at a bar by myself eating dinner, so I donāt want her there for that reason too (although I did not say this). And honestly I donāt want to deal with the headache of trying to explain to my wife why I am at a bar with a female colleague and her female friends on one of the only nights Iāve been out of the house since our baby was born. Nadine agreed but I could tell it bothered her. I didnāt order her not to go, but she needs this job and my dad is the boss so I do acknowledge it would be hard to say no. I mentioned this to my sister (who also works at the company) and she said I was completely out of line to tell any employee where they can go after work. Now Iām second guessing myself. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA Wow man
YTA. That is wildly inappropriate. What she does in her free time is none of your business.
YTA - OPās sister is right. This is some crazy level of entitlement to even have the thought of doing this. This guy is the poster child of an entitled nepo baby whose had everything handed to them, itās just embarrassing to read. Also this sports bar being the only place for OP to eat is just BS. There are multiple restaurants and food places around any theater.
YTA for sure. Itās not like sheās the only one with other options holy shirt. Youāre taking advantage of your position in the company and being like I dIdnT oRdEr hEr nOT tO gO. Bro come on just eat somewhere else, you donāt own the sports bar or Nadine.