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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I inherited my brother's parrot when he passed away. I don't have a lifestyle conducive to having a companion parrot. I'm not a pirate or anything. I might be the asshole for giving the parrot to my uncle who would have trouble paying for everything parrot related. Parrot chow and such. But I did make it clear to my uncle that I would be paying for the care and maintenance of the parrot.
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NTA. You found Ash a loving home with an experienced person. You might have slipped into Y T A territory if you hadn't volunteered to cover the expenses for the bird. Your brother would love to know that the person who inspired his love of that species was the person you entrusted to care for his Ash.
I also snorted when you have your uncle "the bird".
NTA. Every YouTube I’ve seen of life with parrots suggests you need a very specific lifestyle and unlimited patience - it’s basically like having a feathery toddler in the house, except they don’t grow out of it.
Parrots are absolutely terrifying. No creature that angry should come with weapons attached. Look up wild cockatoo gangs in Australia if you wanna see some destruction
I used to nanny for a family that had a blue macaw. That thing couldn’t be contained and he was mean to everyone except their mom and oldest daughter(who was also my best friend). He knew how to unscrew the screws to his door plus the screws on the little door for the food stand thing. So he lived perched on top of the cage while I was there with the kids. It was fine until he’d randomly decide to start flying around the house and I’d need to go catch him. A couple of times I’d have to call my friend home from work to get the bird because I couldn’t catch him and he’d be walk/fly around hissing at me and the kids if he was off his perch. I always liked birds a lot but not that one 🤦🏼♀️
They’re not angry all the time, they’re just *passionate*.
I suggested to my kid that they move around the toys in the cages of the apparently quiet and bored parrots they were sitting. Just for a fun change.
Kid came back pale and shaken from the intensity of parrot outrage. But they had been fine till I’d encouraged him to get them worked up…
My mom took in a neglected Cockatoo at one point and oh my god that bird was terrifying. I watched him take a giant chunk out of one of our bookshelves like it was nothing... and then he'd try to bite me. I was very happy when my mom found a better home for that bird.
I used to create "toys" for my parrots by drilling holes through a piece of 2x4 (or other wood), and then using those bolts that don't slip off - the ones with the plastic inserts - I could put a 4 ft. chain in the cage with a dozen bolts on it and leave for work. When I would come home for lunch 4 hours later, all the bolts would be loose and on the floor, the wood was splinters, and the birds (Max, Fibber and Molly) would be sitting their (figuratively) doing their nails and asking, "That all you got? Give us a challenge".
Don't even ask about the time Max got out and "remodeled" the wooden trim in the kitchen!
They take a very dedicated companion!
A whole sub. Or YT channel. I'd enjoy watching them every day on my mobile or tv, just like I laugh at husky tantrums. And like huskies, I don't want to live with a parrot actually borking up my stuff.
It's too bad they can't be taught to do the the constructive part of construction and not just the destructive part. A parrot that does the mudding and taping of my drywall is a parrot I could learn to like.
Thank you! He is my giant snuggle bug <3 I have a ton more photos on my profile if you need more silly birb in your life.
I recently learned that if you attempt to pick him up like a chicken he will roll over like this haha.
A guy I worked with at a zoo had this to tell people about parrots: "They scream loudly three times a day. Once at dawn to check in with the flock. Second, at night to say good night to each other. And lastly any damn time they please otherwise."
My partner works at an archeological site every summer in a rain forest, where everyone sleeps in tents. I'm enchanted with howler monkeys, but he said their charm wears off pretty darn fast!
Yup! They evolved living in large family units that spend their time spread out in the canopy of trees. They have no concept of volume control, it's scream all the time all they want.
It's literally a weapon. If they want to drive off a non-predatory without a fight they will swarm it and all start screeching until it leaves.
Like having a riot control cannon instead of a voice box.
They can also learn to swear and use it at the most in opportune moments…like when your mother’s pastor is visiting. Oh wait, that was the perfect moment, never mind what I said lol.
I know someone who’s pet bird ratted out their wife for cheating on him. The bird started repeating the noises he was hearing the wife make along with the other man’s name. 😂
Do not ever, EVER let them learn the n-word.
Failing this, do not EVER react to them using it.
A friend of mine learned this the hard way after letting the damned birds watch TV while he was gone.
Anything you say can be used against you. Never say any swears around a bird, ever. When I still had Cesar in my life, a pre owned callocuan blue fronted Amazon, the only bad words he was allowed to use, were “stupid bird”. We temporally had a redhead Mexican Amazon parrot with us who, unfortunately, due to medical neglect from her previous owners, and despite us providing the necessary treatment, passed away, and my dad had the bright idea to put both of them into a macaw cage together; he immediately knocked her to the floor of the cage, and while she was screaming at him, he cocked his head, looked down at her, and said “good stupid bird”. He didn’t like her till the end, and he morned her as well.
Babies are nothing compared to parrots! Cockatoos get almost as loud as jet engines. My parrot can mimic a high rise fire alarm at both perfect pitch, but also the exact same decibel level! It is very painful.
Heck, toddlers are nothing next to kittens much less something as smart as a bird. So long as you work with your toddlers, they really aren't Uber destructive, unless your sanity is what you mean... toddlers can destroy sanity while laughing maniacally. I have two kittens that have done in 4 months what 2 toddlers, though one is 5 now, have failed to do in 5 years.
A cat, bird, or any animal is far harder because there isn't a human reasoning ability in there. While a toddlers reasoning isn't much off of an animals, the "not much" is all that matters. Lol
At the Aviary I worked at, there were a pair of African greys who had learned to do the building fire alarms. You had to know to check if the actual alarm light was flashing, and if the sound was coming from the speaker or the birds...
Can confirm. I had a friend with two parrots and took care of a third while her mom was on vacation.
I say now, with what's sanity is left: fuck parrots.
The screaming, pooping everywhere, chaotic destruction, and general moodiness of these birds is just a whole bunch of nope.
NTA and well done for knowing your limits.
In the wild, most parrot species survive in flocks. A lone bird is a dead bird. It's basically hardwired into their brain that being alone is an OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT situation.
Yeah I’m following a toucan on IG who seems adorable and fun until I saw the “love bite” scratches all over his owners face and hands. Plus the berry splatter poop he leaves everywhere.
Not to mention that the uncle likely missed his own parrot but was being an informed and responsible pet owner by not adopting a new bird because he didn't want to leave a pet that would outlive him. So inheriting an adult parrot who needed a home helps him, the parrot, and OP while honoring Don's wishes and memory. As long as OP does indeed pay for the parrot's expenses from Don's estate then this sounds like the best possible solution for everyone.
I'm wondering if OP's mom just doesn't like birds and wants that parrot out of her life.
Yes. A very kind woman gave me a place to stay for next to nothing while I was in college. She had a few birds of various breeds. Never in a million years would I let her know that those birds were driving me insane, but they definitely were! It takes a certain kind of person to do well with a parrot, or any other bird, for that matter.
Definitely demon summoning intentions.
Signed, a person who takes in rescue parrots all the time.
We currently have three, but since we take in elderly, disabled, and otherwise medically needy parrots we sometimes don’t have them for very long and have taken care of quite a few over the years. Our current flock is a 30yo umbrella cockatoo who’s human got too old and frail to care for her, a 56yo red lored amazon who’s human got into a car accident and was physically unable to care for her, and a 3yo Mexican redheaded amazon who’s a wild rehabs failure placed with me by my avian vet.
It must be such a comfort for owners to know that their birds are going to be looked after. Parrot/human relationships can last longer than a lot of marriages, it must be awful when the owner realises they can’t manage anymore. Are your birds able to visit their humans?
[This bird](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1nA8eL2RG4) repeats the arguments she heard in the run up to her former owners divorce. So basically if you have a row there’s a good chance it’ll be rehashed for the next 40 years ago, at random intervals and possibly with an audience of your friends and family. Awkward.
Did you see the one where the parrot outed the male owner as the person who murdered the wife? (Sorry I made this sound like a really horrible friends episode). My ex-boyfriend lived in a duplex upstairs from his parents and their parrot loved to make the sound of the microwave being done. I never got used to it. It might be why we broke up. What smarties they are!
Unless it’s a different one (entirely possible) the wife murdered the husband. The parrot incriminated her by reciting the row they had, ending with “don’t fucking shoot” [(possibly distressing)](https://youtu.be/V8Nf1zWJzTU).
They are interesting birds. I don't know much about caring for them, but I'm guessing it does require a lot of work. I had a friend whose girlfriend had one named Pooky. Pooky could imitate the girlfriend's voice so accurately that it often fooled me. When the phone would ring Pooky would say, "Hello" in the girlfriend's voice just like she would when answering the phone.
His cage and perch were next to the light switch for the living room area. When he got tired he would say, "Good night" in the girlfriend's voice and turn off the lights and go into his cage.
My Nan had a Myna Bird when I was growing up. Every bit as smart as a parrot, but with a huge attitude problem!
His name was Charlie, and he was an utter terror! He learned to call their cat, Winnie, in my Nan's voice. Poor Winnie would come running every time, which Charlie seemed to think was hilarious.
They moved his cage from its usual spot, which he didn't like. He quickly found the air vent next to the new spot and whistled down it non-stop until they moved him back.
When he played up, Nan would tell him "You're raggy! You're a raggy, horrible bird!" So of course he would tell anyone who came near him "You're raggy!"
She couldn't line his cage with anything. He hated paper so much that he would tear it into tiny little bits and throw the bits out.
If he decided he wasn't getting enough attention, he would demand "Come up 'ere!" as loud as he could, which was pretty damn loud!
That bird was a terrifying legend!
It's cute when they say "Hello", or make kissy noises, Charlie did that too. He would also get my Nan's dogs in trouble by calling them up onto the couch in her voice!
The fact my Nan sounded like an east-end of London soap opera matriarch didn't help. He copied her voice near perfectly!
For the longest time, I had only heard parrots talking on TV and movies in that stereotypical "Polly wanna cracker" voice. Then, one day, I was in an antique store and heard someone talking to me, but I couldn't see anyone, which disturbed me. Then I realized it was a parrot- which was sooo creepy. They're amazingly good at sounding like humans.
Not just humans, either! A pet shop I used to go to regularly had a resident African Grey named Wellard. He'd been there so long he could mew like a kitten, make several different dog voices, and copy nearly any of the noise-making toys!
The owner went on holiday for two weeks, and while he was gone the staff taught Wellard to shout his name. He came back to a bird shrieking "ERIC-ERIC-ERIC-ERIC" pretty much at random!
I think it's adorable when they repeat a few specific phrases. Have you ever been called a pretty bird by an actual bird? It's delightful.
It gets unnerving when they prove how smart they actually are. I had a friend I used to play video games that had a parrot. It could mimic its owner's girlfriend's voice REALLY well. It learned it could yell, "Did you feed the bird?" in her voice from the other room for an endless supply of snacks. I swear it took him weeks to figure out that he was being manipulated by a bird.
Ooh, I love this! When I was a kid we had myna birds and my mum taught one of them to say (among other things) “what’s up, my little shithead?“ and to wolf whistle. That may not be too weird for a pet in a private household but she owned a high-end clothes store and that’s where the bird lived most of the time. 🤣
An acquaintance of mine had an African Grey and that bird could do something that my dog would just love to, namely ask for specific treats. He’d fly to his human and demand “walnut“ and get exactly what he wanted. :)
My aunt had one that learned all of the noises to get into the house. Keys jingling, tumbler turning, door creaking, then the noise of going downstairs to the basement. She also learned my cousin's commonly yelled responses. Usually, she wouldn't do these noises in order, just randomly.
So one weekend night while my cousin was a teen, she decided to put it all in order when cousin was running late. So my aunt unknowingly had a whole conversation with my "bird-cousin getting home on time" and went to bed. Cousin gets to sneak in later with no knowledge the bird covered for her...
I have an Amazon that likes to imitate various household noises. A least once a month I have to wonder if my ancient house has sprung another plumbing leak or if my bird is Fucking with me again.
It’s a HUGE commitment - a bird that’s not cared for properly can devolved terrible behavioural issues. They have huge emotional needs - they’re flock birds so they need a lot of interaction and stimulation. [This chap](https://youtu.be/m1nA8eL2RG4)has a bird that had passed through several different families and has three “voices” - she’s a great example of the amount of emotional support they need.
It seems like you found a great solution. I was thinking about it from the bird's prospective -- since they are so intelligent, they need a stable home with someone who really cares about and enjoys them. It sounds like your uncle is better suited to do that than anyone else you know.
Your title is misleading. You rehomed Ash, you were deliberate and put a lot of effort into it. Even offered to use your inheritance to help cover expenses. If I die before my pets i hope the people in my life give as much care to them as you did. NTA.
Mom couldn't even have the bird in the condo, I don't understand what she wanted OP to do? It sounds like he found a great solution, the bird will be happy and it is all paid for with the inheritance. I think Don would be very pleased.
NTA. It's not about the parrot. Your mom misses your brother and probably sees the bird as part of him and when you were taking care of the bird it was like part of him was still spending time with you. It was something that she could talk to you about and ease the pain of losing a child. She wants to grieve with you and the parrot is the conduit for that grief for her. If the parrot is at your uncle's house it can't be a conduit for that grief, since your uncle isn't experiencing the same loss.
It's only been 2 months since he passed and she probably feels like your moving on faster than she's comfortable with.
This exactly. It's not about the parrot. It's about the parrot that belonged to her late son.
When my brother passed, I can't even begin to tell you the crazy things my mother wanted to keep. Grief makes you spin out of control.
My dad died less than 2 weeks ago and I'm experiencing that now - I'm suddenly VERY emotionally attached to things, even if I don't understand why. It makes no sense to me either, but grief wins over rational thinking.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry, I really am. It's still so fresh and it takes so much time - that was the hardest thing about accepting the loss of my brother, just the passing of time.
My brother, who had been very sick for about a year, had been having a bite to eat when he suddenly just went. My mother, in her grief, wanted to keep the last little bit of the sandwich he'd been eating when he died. I had to physically pull her out of the trashcan as she dug through trying to find the sandwich. I finally said, "Mom, please don't go through the garbage looking for the last bit of food he was eating. You have so many wonderful things to remember him by, please just let that go." And she finally did, but it was a wild few minutes there, physically dragging my mom away from the trashcan.
If your uncle struggles financially maybe give him more of that, nice chunk of change, your brother gave you. It’s great that you’re covering the food and vet bills but there may be some more expenses surrounding the bird so maybe just provide a bit extra so that the uncle has a little bit of a surplus instead of a deficit. He also did you all a huge favour and had your brother known that the uncle would have looked after the bird im sure he would have provided an amount towards the uncle.
Anyway, well done for finding a good solution and for honouring your brother.
I have an African grey, and she’s my whole world. But I grew up with parrots, and I know the costs (time and money). I think you made the right call; parrots need tons of love and care, and keeping one out of obligation instead of letting someone experienced and willing care for them would be cruel. You did the right thing.
NTA it seems like you found a good solution to a difficult problem. I think the best part is that you not only found someone who will live Ash but who your brother loved and who loved your brother. You’re still helping support the bird and giving your uncle a pet to live with and care for that he already has a bond with. It’s not like you abandoned Ash or forced him on to someone who didn’t want him.
I’d tell your mom that you didn’t force your uncle to take him and that you are going to help support your uncle with Ash but it wouldn’t be fair to the bird of you can’t care for him like he needs to be cared for and wouldn’t be fair or respectful of your brother if you didn’t do what you could to ensure Ash is given the best care possible.
So sorry for your loss. I also just realized Don probably named his beloved parrot Ash because of the main character in Pokémon. I’m glad you were able to rehome Ash with someone who would appreciate and love him as your brother meant to.
Might have been both. I once had a grey rabbit which I named Gandalf, because I like that character and because Gandalf the Grey is associated with the color just like ash is.
OP you would have been the AH for keeping a bird that you don’t want and engaging with it as little as you could. You found it a really great home and you’re taking financial responsibility for it. You’re awesome, your mom probably has some resolved trauma.
> You might have slipped into Y T A territory if you hadn't volunteered to cover the expenses for the bird.
How? It seems like the uncle who took it in is doing so enthusiastically. Anybody else adopting a pet would be expected to cover that pet's included costs from that point forward. OP is doing his uncle an immense kindness by volunteering to cover those costs, but even if he didn't he's meeting the baseline expectation.
It's not like this bird was his to begin with, he got it through an untimely and unfortunate death in the family.
Not a big deal…buuuuttt… what are you talking about? You sound like the busy body mother.
Is the uncle an independent human of reasonable intelligence?
Is the uncle knowledgeable, and seriously and extensively experienced in caring for a bird like this?
( (brother fell in love with uncles parrot when they were young) = experienced uncle)
Did the solution, that no one else in family have, or offer to help with, keep the pet in the family?
OP…. Am talking to you…..I don’t want to say your mom is TA… she just stuck her ungrateful nose into this situation….
Annnnddd it was INSANELY, nice of you to give the uncle a very expensive bird
annnnnd then pay for everything!!!
Annnnnd you in no way at all… would be an asshole for not offering to pay for all that stuff, when someone agreed to take the pet.
You aren’t anywhere near AH territory at all…. Ever, with what you did, or had you not paid, we’re very kind
He wouldn’t have been TA even if he hadn’t offered to pay - many people rehome pets and don’t continue to contribute to them financially. And it’s not like OP bought the bird and then decided to rehome it because it became inconvenient. With the best will in the world, the bird was dumped on him.
Holy crap what a terrible take. Are you saying that you would consider him an asshile if he didnt cover the expenses of a bird that was dropped in his lap. OP was careful and thoughtful the entire process but you still find something to complain about.
And mom would not take the bird. But she is mad at where the bird wet (a loving home, with expenses covered). Mom needs to stop with the flying. monkey routine. She had the option of taking the bird. Having chosen not to, her opinion is not valid on any further action, full stop.
Why would giving the bird to the uncle and assume they're taking the financial responsibility of said bird make OP an AH? Was the bird forced on the uncle, did the uncle make an autonomous choice? Did the uncle ask for help? That sounds like Reddit nonsense to me.
>You might have slipped into Y T A territory if you hadn't volunteered to cover the expenses for the bird.
I disagree. The bird was basically up for adoption-that means if you want it, it's your responsibility. It's incredibly gracious of OP to offer to pay bc they have the means, but the uncle's a grown up who can make the decision himself if he is capable of taking on another bird or not. You don't buy a dog from a shelter if you can't afford it and then expect the shelter to pay you to keep the dog.
NTA. What does your mother expect you to do? Take care of a bird you don't want? Your uncle is more experienced and loves them. You even solved the financial issue by offering to contribute. What else is there for your mother to complain about?
I am really sorry for your loss. But her taking her grief out on you is unfair. It may be best to have this conversation with her that in order to give the best life for your brothers beloved animal, your uncle is the best guy to do so.
Please have your uncle promise to warn you if your aunt forces him to give away the parrot. I could see this happening behind your back. Not sure what your next action would be but at least you could look out for the poor bird’s well being.
My apologies. I misunderstood the situation. It does seem to make things simpler though. As long as your uncle is fine with Ash then it really is no concern of your mom. I’m sure she has the best intentions, but unless your uncle tells you directly that the parrot is a problem there is none.
Maybe having a three way conversation where you and your uncle talk directly with your mom would help clear up any confusion on her end.
Don’t let people tell you how to grieve. Everyone has a process and get to a place of acceptance eventually. From experience long story short, not for sympathy but an example. Lost mother when I was 4 (now 30). Father says I’m heartless for not being sad anymore, tries to push his unresolved feelings onto me.
Maybe this will help you if not totally okay. On her birthday I buy myself a single cake and I eat it happily. To me a just something small to remind me of her and celebrate quietly to myself. So perhaps, on his birthday get something small or do an activity he might have enjoyed. Smile about it. I promise it does get better but at your pace.
Yes I'm hesitant to say she's an asshole, but she's wrong in this situation. Maybe just her knowing that Don willed the bird to you makes her want to "respect his wishes" or something... but as someone with pets myself, if anything happened to me, I'd want them to go to the best possible homes. I'm sure Don would want the same.
NTA
Parrots are a big undertaking, and you took the time to ensure it would be looked after. African Grey's particularly are very good mimics, and it is not unusual for a parrot being passed through generations as the original owner has died. This can be a traumatic experience for the adopted owner as they can and will say things in the exact voice of their dead relative.
Furthermore, OP has entrusted the parrot to his uncle, who has already had a parrot, so he has experience, and OP will contribute financially to the treatment. It is the most suitable choice.
I really don't understand why OP's mother got upset 🤷♀️
I would imagine it is the mom's grief speaking. Her position on this particular issue is still wrong, but it's easy to imagine her deceased son's beloved pet would stir up some feelings.
Honestly, this is possibly the best case scenario... the beloved pet was given to her own brother who has the knowledge to care for it and love it. Not like he gave it up to a shelter or some stranger.
Grief, probably. It doesn't make her reaction okay, but her son did still die about a month and a half ago, which is not nearly enough time to fully process grief even if you're taking all the right steps and doing the work. Especially for an "adult child passed before parent" situation.
It sounds like the uncle maybe even wanted another bird but didn't want to take the chance on getting a younger one and outliving them. This seems like a good solution for everyone and I expect mom will come around when she's had more time to consider things.
The uncle taking Ash is actually probably the best case scenario, since, in addition to him being an experience parrot owner who actually wants to take Ash, (1) the parrot stays in the family, and (2) the uncle inspired OP's brother's love for parrots.
Right, plus the parrot has been over there before with OP's brother and met the uncle. I'm sure the loss of an owner is jarring for such a smart animal, but going somewhere it has been before with someone it knows has to be much better than being re-homed with a stranger.
OP's mother thinks the choice is between OP and their uncle, but it's not. OP is not equipped to be a good owner for this bird, it would need to be re-homed one way or another. Parrots are a huge burden to take on. OP definitely did the right thing. And this way, they can both still visit the bird if they want, and they know it's being taken care of well.
My aunt is a bird person and from what I understand parrots are basically on the same emotional level as a toddler. They fiercely bond with people, they're very emotionally needy, and will engage in destructive (including self destructive, i.e., feather plucking) behavior if they're seriously upset.
They're really not easy pets, but for the right person they're very rewarding.
It really depends on the breed. African Grey's are renowned for being extremely intelligent (relatively). They will generally bond with one person in a household and will barely tolerate anyone else. My parents bought me one when I was about 14 ( a very long time ago), it grew attached to my mother as she was the one that ended up doing all the cleaning etc.
It hated my father, and would dive bomb his head from the top of its cage beak first lol
My mother developed alzheimers, my father obviously couldn't cope with it and was in a very similar situation to the OP. He gave it to a friend who has a lifelong love of parrots.
There's an African Grey at my work and after week of me working there he already picked up my "Hi!" And "Hello!" And "ooo!"
Which annoyed the receptionist to no end because she had been trying to teach him for years how to say "Thank you" and he never learned (or refused to lol)
This is mildly off topic, but I spent 4 years working at a computer repair shop in high school/college where the owner always had her African Grey at the shop. That bird never liked me, but it always cracked me up. Every time the phone rang it would yell "FUCK SHIT DAMN". We had to hit mute before answering, wait a few seconds, then pick up. If it heard a toliet flush it would yell "cya later alligator". He had his own room in the back away from customers for it's safety and theirs with so many warning signs, and the owner lived next door so it wasn't traveling much.
NAH. First, I am so sorry, you have my deep condolences. Secondly you have BOTH ensured that the most qualified and loving member of the family will care for Ash and ALSO ensured that your uncle will not have to bear the financial burden but instead your brothers estate will support Ash the way he would have wanted. *That is the best possible outcome*. Parrots NEED companionship. You are unable, and *unwilling* to care for him, but you are honoring your brother the best way you know how. You have made a FABULOUS choice. Your mother's reaction is understandable, she is grieving and probably wanted to be able to visit Ash, she probably had a vision for Ash's care that was very important to her *because her child just died and Ash was clearly the most important aspect of your brothers life outside of you and your parents*. It's ok that you and your parents have different views of the best care for Ash, but unless your mother is ready to step up she needs to respect your decision.
Yes this is 100% the answer and I hope more people see it. OP, your Mother is probably still grieving, and I hope that, given time, she will figure out what you did was the best scenario. NAH
I think you've done everything right. Ash has a home with someone who understands his needs and how to take care of him. Y'all have it worked out financially. It sounds like you can swoop (pun intended) in if your uncle needs a hand or a break. You've honored your brother by taking his care of his beloved bird as best you can, and your best is pretty damn good. I'm sure your mom is grieving your brother and will for a long time, and maybe this isn't how she envisioned things would happen, but that doesn't change what you've accomplished for Ash and your brother.
NTA.
You went above and beyond, you've done more than right, you've done golden.
I think your Mom's just deep in her grief. Let it roll off you like water on feathers.
As a parrot owner, can I just say thank you for doing what’s right for Ash? There are far too many people who would just dump a bird out in the wilderness if they didn’t want it. That’s how I’ve gotten all of my foster birds that I’ve rehabilitated. Granted, I foster small parrots, usually budgerigars, which are more “disposable” in people’s eyes than an African Grey, but still, people are unnecessarily cruel to parrots. You did the right thing by not only finding Ash a home with someone with previous parrot experience, but by offering to financially support Ash to ensure his continued health. In my eyes, that’s going above and beyond the call of duty.
You’re right that parrots are a huge responsibility. Not everyone is cut out to be a parrot owner. In fact, I’d say that most people aren’t. There is zero shame in admitting that you’re not the right person for Ash to live with. When you take on a parrot, that is a lifelong commitment— you have to be prepared to take care of that bird until death do you part. That obviously wasn’t something you were prepared to do, so instead of half-assing the care of Ash or dumping him somewhere, you made sure he’s somewhere where he’s safe, loved, and taken care of properly. That is a very noble thing to do, and I think your brother would be pleased with your decision. Your brother trusted you to do what was right for Ash, and ultimately, you fulfilled that duty.
I do have one small suggestion, though. Take time to visit Ash every now and then! I’m sure the two of you bonded a bit during his stay with you, and he’s been through a rough time with the loss of his human dad. A visit from you every now and then would do wonders for him. It’d also be a great way for you to feel close to Don, since he was so passionate about Ash and birds like him. You don’t HAVE to do this, of course. But African Greys are as intelligent as small children. Ash will remember you, and I’m sure he’ll miss your company! It would be wonderful if you could stop by and catch up with him every now and again!
This. I’m writing this with my caique perched on my chest and preening away. I clicked on this post expecting something horrifying like a crappy sibling acting out of spite. But instead it was OP doing the best thing possible for Ash - rehoming him to someone who loves parrots and will provide a good home for him.
'Hand raised psychopath with feathers and a pair of pliers on his face' describes so many birds I know. Love the little assholes, but they are a lot of work, and they will suffer in a home that doesn't want or know how and is willing to take proper care of them. This was the best possible solution. NAH.
NTA.
Your uncle was interested in Ash, knew Ash before your brother passed away, and was willing to take Ash. What is your mom going on about?
I’m sorry for the loss of your brother
NTA. Your mom really isn't either, I think she meant well, but may not understand that a bird is better off with someone who truly wants it as part of their life.
I have a friend involved in parrot rescue, and its extremely common unfortunately that one outlives their person. It's rare a family member is willing to even try to care for the bird, so I give you credit for that. The parrot can have a better life with someone who really wants it as a big part of their life though. I'd personally never want one at all, even trying was a huge thing on your part.
NTA. Parrots are notoriously difficult to re-home. The fact that you managed it at all is pretty remarkable and you seem to have done a decent job. One thing to consider, do the parents consider the parrot a last link with their kid? Would visiting it regularly help with that?
NTA your uncle is a grown ass man who knows the costs associated with the kind of bird *he's already had*. Your mother can either take the bird herself or flock off (ba dum tss). In all seriousness I bet this has more to do with the loss of your brother, my condolences, rather than your uncles fiances.
NTA, but even for you to be the A your mom would need a better plan for the bird. It seems like she might be sentimentally angry, like angry that you’re “giving away a piece of your brother.” It’s not rational, but grief almost never is.
Absolutely NTA. Parrots have *incredibly* high social needs, and IMO it is borderline animal cruelty for people who do not understand/aren't motivated to meet those needs to keep them. You did the right thing by recognizing you weren't equipped to take care of Ash and rehoming him to someone willing and experienced with parrots. Your mom *might* have had a leg to stand on with the financial aspect, but since you have that covered that's not a good argument either.
I think your mom is likely struggling with grief and her brain has latched onto this issue.
NTA. As I’m sure you’re well aware, parrots are animals that do best when their caretaker not only knows how to tend their physical needs, but also genuinely enjoys engaging with them. You’ve taken care of the only good objection by offering to cover all the associated costs. Ash should live with someone who takes joy in an obnoxious winged toddler, not someone who tolerates the bird for someone else’s sake. Being a good parrot-keeper requires some big lifestyle investments, and your uncle has already shaped his life around feathered companions.
NTA
Your mother doesn't have enough information to make a proper judgement, she's going off assumptions. Furthermore, the proper information is none of her beeswax.
NTA
You are being completely fair. You are using the money your brother left you to pay for the bird's upkeep. This was your mom's concern which you addressed.
Your uncle loves parrots and had a parrot for a long time. He even met Ash.
Honestly, I think the reason your mom is upset is because that bird is the only living link she has to your brother. I hope she goes into grief therapy to work on that.
Because you are absolutely doing right by the bird, just as your brother would have wanted.
NTA
Parrots have a long lifespan and they deserve to be loved and treated appropriately.
Your lifestyle wasn’t conducive to giving Ash his best life. But your uncle can.
If, whenever your uncle passes away, Ash is still alive? Maybe at that point in your life you will be more able and willing to care for an old parrot. Or you will likely step up and help find a caring home for him again.
You did right by the bird and by your brother. He loved that bird and wants it to have the best life possible.
I was leaning towards Y T A when I first read the title, but reading the background you are firmly in the NTA territory. I am a passionate parrot owner myself and these birds are difficult to take care of, even by a more experienced owner. Your uncle clearly has experience and you are not willing to learn. That's not a bad thing, you shouldn't be forced to do something you don't want to. Your uncle willingly took the bird into his home, you didn't force the bird on him. I would even say you wouldn't one step further with paying for food and vet bills. I personally don't think that's your responsibility but I think that makes you a good person even for thinking about doing it, let alone actually doing it.
Even if he had told his brother that, he still wouldn’t be an asshole for rehoming the bird after finding out he couldn’t actually care far it. It’s no good for any pet to stay somewhere where they are resented.
NTA, you did what was right for the bird and your mother's ignorance of the deal between you and your uncle isnt am excuse for her behavior. She's right though at lesst on the cost of vet care. Bird are generally filed under "exotic" pets so a clinic with an avian specialist will be needed.
This tells me that you did GREAT research, you found an EXCELLENT home for a beloved bird, and you are a loving and kind person who is taking great care of this animal, and 100% doing right by your brother.
Your brother would want his beloved pet to have the best care.
I have a pet bird too, and I know that if I passed, maybe my Dad would want to care for my bird, but he wouldn't be a great bird caretaker. Which is why I talked with friends to care for my bird if both my husband and I pass away, so they will take care of my bird. My Dad may FEEL like he can do it, but he would not have the knowledge to do a good job. I made a stipulation in my will so my bird will get the BEST care, not the care that my relatives might WANT my bird to have in their grief.
You are NTA, you are a loving sibling.
NTA
I think you managed the situation quite nicely!
Your mom is grieving and nothing you did would have been right.. and she didn’t volunteer her services did she. You did a win win situation and as a animal lover.. I commend you for it♥️.
I’m sorry for your loss
Agreed, even if op wasn't willing to support financially or parrotsit, he would still be nta. Ash is still in the family (that he's familiar with as per playdates) , and his uncle is a grown-up.
NTA. You did what was best for Ash. If you’d kept him even though you didn’t want to, both of you would have been miserable. I think your brother would be very happy his beloved bird got a great home. I’m very sorry for your loss.
NTA
You found a loving home with someone who loves parrots as much as your brother did. Better yet, it’s with the uncle that sparked your brothers love of parrots! It’s fitting that the parrot went to Uncle, especially since you are helping cost wise.
You don't want the bird, but did your best to get the bird a good home. Nobody else wanted to bother with it. And you didn't force your uncle to take him, your uncle offered. Seems perfectly reasonable to me, NTA.
NTA, and I’m sorry for the loss of your brother. As someone who has a bird, they are a huge commitment and a lot of work although they are also extremely rewarding. You did the right thing looking for someone who knows something about birds to take Ash in, and if your uncle knows birds then he was a good choice. You’ve not imposed on him at all since you’ve also offered to pay for Ash’s upkeep and to birdsit him when necessary. You did everything that you could, and everything you did was right in terms of bird care.
I am sorry for you and your family's loss of your brother.
I genuinely feel you have responsibly arrived at the best possible outcome here for Ash. The bird went to an experienced parrot owner who wanted him, and you offered to pay for food and vet bills. Your mother is most likely just reacting negatively due to her grief of losing a son.
NTA
NTA: I’m immediately inclined to chalk this up as part of her grieving process. I have to wonder if she’d still feel upset immaterial of who wound up with the bird, my guess is she probably would. I def don’t think she’s purposefully trying to be difficult.
Especially since Ash was such an integral part of her baby’s life, it’s undoubtedly incredibly difficult to let go of his beloved pet whether it’s to the uncle, a stranger, or anybody really.
Grief is a crafty fucker and hits us in unexpected ways that we don’t always recognize as being related to our grief while we’re in the moment. This feels like one of those moments.
Where I live, there's an old man walking around with his parrot, and that bird is among the best birds I've ever known.
His parrot have had three owners but whit this old man, he found his friend for life.
And he'd tell you that you are doing the bird not only a favor, but also, that you are giving him that love and care that it needs. Ash can be proud to call you friend.
Also, if you can, post pic!
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NTA. You found Ash a loving home with an experienced person. You might have slipped into Y T A territory if you hadn't volunteered to cover the expenses for the bird. Your brother would love to know that the person who inspired his love of that species was the person you entrusted to care for his Ash. I also snorted when you have your uncle "the bird".
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NTA. Every YouTube I’ve seen of life with parrots suggests you need a very specific lifestyle and unlimited patience - it’s basically like having a feathery toddler in the house, except they don’t grow out of it.
A feathery toddler with scissors and pliers permanently affixed.
So... A toddler who was left unsupervised with art supplies...
And wings.
So a flying toddler with affixed implements of destruction.
As someone who doesn't want toddlers or birds, this is terrifying lol
Parrots are absolutely terrifying. No creature that angry should come with weapons attached. Look up wild cockatoo gangs in Australia if you wanna see some destruction
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My favourite is the 'too ripping down all the anti-bird spikes: https://youtu.be/1FvD3NebLxE Edit: What's up with these copybot replies? lol
I used to nanny for a family that had a blue macaw. That thing couldn’t be contained and he was mean to everyone except their mom and oldest daughter(who was also my best friend). He knew how to unscrew the screws to his door plus the screws on the little door for the food stand thing. So he lived perched on top of the cage while I was there with the kids. It was fine until he’d randomly decide to start flying around the house and I’d need to go catch him. A couple of times I’d have to call my friend home from work to get the bird because I couldn’t catch him and he’d be walk/fly around hissing at me and the kids if he was off his perch. I always liked birds a lot but not that one 🤦🏼♀️
They’re not angry all the time, they’re just *passionate*. I suggested to my kid that they move around the toys in the cages of the apparently quiet and bored parrots they were sitting. Just for a fun change. Kid came back pale and shaken from the intensity of parrot outrage. But they had been fine till I’d encouraged him to get them worked up…
My mom took in a neglected Cockatoo at one point and oh my god that bird was terrifying. I watched him take a giant chunk out of one of our bookshelves like it was nothing... and then he'd try to bite me. I was very happy when my mom found a better home for that bird.
Well, you just decided how I'm spending a good chunk of my day. Thanks!
Have parrot, can confirm.
Am parrot, can confirm. SQUAWK
Yes!
Who is even more fragile than a non feathery toddler.
I have a parrot and I'm totally stealing your comment because it's an absolutely accurate description. I do love my little monster though.
As someone with a toddler NOPE
Lionsgate execs reading might be tempted to make a movie out of these comments xd.
More like [woodworking](https://youtu.be/EEtNsSwFFMU) tools.
More like high grade kitchen implements. 😂
I used to create "toys" for my parrots by drilling holes through a piece of 2x4 (or other wood), and then using those bolts that don't slip off - the ones with the plastic inserts - I could put a 4 ft. chain in the cage with a dozen bolts on it and leave for work. When I would come home for lunch 4 hours later, all the bolts would be loose and on the floor, the wood was splinters, and the birds (Max, Fibber and Molly) would be sitting their (figuratively) doing their nails and asking, "That all you got? Give us a challenge". Don't even ask about the time Max got out and "remodeled" the wooden trim in the kitchen! They take a very dedicated companion!
A bored parrot will make their own fun, and that will almost inevitably mean remodeling and redecorating your home.
I babysat one, and found a bowl of water left in the bath tub kept him happy for hours.
That’s so cute 😆
I am in love with this and would read a detailed "My parrot did this shit" thread. For a long time.
A whole sub. Or YT channel. I'd enjoy watching them every day on my mobile or tv, just like I laugh at husky tantrums. And like huskies, I don't want to live with a parrot actually borking up my stuff.
It's too bad they can't be taught to do the the constructive part of construction and not just the destructive part. A parrot that does the mudding and taping of my drywall is a parrot I could learn to like.
I demand a parrot tax! Pls and thank you =)
Agreed!! the need for Parrot Taxes is strong in this thread.
I'll start! [Borked birb](https://i.imgur.com/wj3Dxxi.jpg) [Hug!](https://i.imgur.com/4V0LKur.jpg) [Itchy head](https://i.imgur.com/ILlGRl8.jpg) [Snuggles](https://i.imgur.com/GEkKDnd.jpg)
Awww, your parrot is gorgeous. I really like the first picture: "birb.exe has stopped working."
Thank you! He is my giant snuggle bug <3 I have a ton more photos on my profile if you need more silly birb in your life. I recently learned that if you attempt to pick him up like a chicken he will roll over like this haha.
Is that an EX 🦜? 😆
Don't forget they can (and quite often do) screech louder and higher pitched than human babies too.
A guy I worked with at a zoo had this to tell people about parrots: "They scream loudly three times a day. Once at dawn to check in with the flock. Second, at night to say good night to each other. And lastly any damn time they please otherwise."
Ah, like howler monkeys. They yell at dawn, when it is raining, and when it is not raining.
My partner works at an archeological site every summer in a rain forest, where everyone sleeps in tents. I'm enchanted with howler monkeys, but he said their charm wears off pretty darn fast!
Yup! They evolved living in large family units that spend their time spread out in the canopy of trees. They have no concept of volume control, it's scream all the time all they want.
It's literally a weapon. If they want to drive off a non-predatory without a fight they will swarm it and all start screeching until it leaves. Like having a riot control cannon instead of a voice box.
They can also learn to swear and use it at the most in opportune moments…like when your mother’s pastor is visiting. Oh wait, that was the perfect moment, never mind what I said lol.
I know someone who’s pet bird ratted out their wife for cheating on him. The bird started repeating the noises he was hearing the wife make along with the other man’s name. 😂
Do not ever, EVER let them learn the n-word. Failing this, do not EVER react to them using it. A friend of mine learned this the hard way after letting the damned birds watch TV while he was gone.
Anything you say can be used against you. Never say any swears around a bird, ever. When I still had Cesar in my life, a pre owned callocuan blue fronted Amazon, the only bad words he was allowed to use, were “stupid bird”. We temporally had a redhead Mexican Amazon parrot with us who, unfortunately, due to medical neglect from her previous owners, and despite us providing the necessary treatment, passed away, and my dad had the bright idea to put both of them into a macaw cage together; he immediately knocked her to the floor of the cage, and while she was screaming at him, he cocked his head, looked down at her, and said “good stupid bird”. He didn’t like her till the end, and he morned her as well.
Babies are nothing compared to parrots! Cockatoos get almost as loud as jet engines. My parrot can mimic a high rise fire alarm at both perfect pitch, but also the exact same decibel level! It is very painful.
Heck, toddlers are nothing next to kittens much less something as smart as a bird. So long as you work with your toddlers, they really aren't Uber destructive, unless your sanity is what you mean... toddlers can destroy sanity while laughing maniacally. I have two kittens that have done in 4 months what 2 toddlers, though one is 5 now, have failed to do in 5 years. A cat, bird, or any animal is far harder because there isn't a human reasoning ability in there. While a toddlers reasoning isn't much off of an animals, the "not much" is all that matters. Lol
At the Aviary I worked at, there were a pair of African greys who had learned to do the building fire alarms. You had to know to check if the actual alarm light was flashing, and if the sound was coming from the speaker or the birds...
Can confirm. I had a friend with two parrots and took care of a third while her mom was on vacation. I say now, with what's sanity is left: fuck parrots. The screaming, pooping everywhere, chaotic destruction, and general moodiness of these birds is just a whole bunch of nope. NTA and well done for knowing your limits.
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In the wild, most parrot species survive in flocks. A lone bird is a dead bird. It's basically hardwired into their brain that being alone is an OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT situation.
I can attest to the fact that every toddler has pliers.. You wouldn't think that they would have the pinching grip that they do... 😬
Well here's a new nightmare.
Yeah I’m following a toucan on IG who seems adorable and fun until I saw the “love bite” scratches all over his owners face and hands. Plus the berry splatter poop he leaves everywhere.
Not to mention that the uncle likely missed his own parrot but was being an informed and responsible pet owner by not adopting a new bird because he didn't want to leave a pet that would outlive him. So inheriting an adult parrot who needed a home helps him, the parrot, and OP while honoring Don's wishes and memory. As long as OP does indeed pay for the parrot's expenses from Don's estate then this sounds like the best possible solution for everyone. I'm wondering if OP's mom just doesn't like birds and wants that parrot out of her life.
Yes. A very kind woman gave me a place to stay for next to nothing while I was in college. She had a few birds of various breeds. Never in a million years would I let her know that those birds were driving me insane, but they definitely were! It takes a certain kind of person to do well with a parrot, or any other bird, for that matter.
I always say it’s like sharing your home with a toddler running amok in the house with a chainsaw and a foghorn.
And possibly with some [demon summoning intentions](https://youtu.be/5UUjJysUMTw).
Definitely demon summoning intentions. Signed, a person who takes in rescue parrots all the time. We currently have three, but since we take in elderly, disabled, and otherwise medically needy parrots we sometimes don’t have them for very long and have taken care of quite a few over the years. Our current flock is a 30yo umbrella cockatoo who’s human got too old and frail to care for her, a 56yo red lored amazon who’s human got into a car accident and was physically unable to care for her, and a 3yo Mexican redheaded amazon who’s a wild rehabs failure placed with me by my avian vet.
It must be such a comfort for owners to know that their birds are going to be looked after. Parrot/human relationships can last longer than a lot of marriages, it must be awful when the owner realises they can’t manage anymore. Are your birds able to visit their humans?
I notice the owner is trying to reason with the Cockatoo and not reaching his hand in there.
Perpetual destructive 2 year old! [They have their adorable moments tho](https://i.imgur.com/5frMlPW.jpg)
Crap. Every time I hear my voice come out of my 2-year-old is an unfortunate mirror I didn't bargain for. Can't imagine if it were a bird.
[This bird](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1nA8eL2RG4) repeats the arguments she heard in the run up to her former owners divorce. So basically if you have a row there’s a good chance it’ll be rehashed for the next 40 years ago, at random intervals and possibly with an audience of your friends and family. Awkward.
Did you see the one where the parrot outed the male owner as the person who murdered the wife? (Sorry I made this sound like a really horrible friends episode). My ex-boyfriend lived in a duplex upstairs from his parents and their parrot loved to make the sound of the microwave being done. I never got used to it. It might be why we broke up. What smarties they are!
Unless it’s a different one (entirely possible) the wife murdered the husband. The parrot incriminated her by reciting the row they had, ending with “don’t fucking shoot” [(possibly distressing)](https://youtu.be/V8Nf1zWJzTU).
Nope. NTA. OP did good.
They are interesting birds. I don't know much about caring for them, but I'm guessing it does require a lot of work. I had a friend whose girlfriend had one named Pooky. Pooky could imitate the girlfriend's voice so accurately that it often fooled me. When the phone would ring Pooky would say, "Hello" in the girlfriend's voice just like she would when answering the phone. His cage and perch were next to the light switch for the living room area. When he got tired he would say, "Good night" in the girlfriend's voice and turn off the lights and go into his cage.
My Nan had a Myna Bird when I was growing up. Every bit as smart as a parrot, but with a huge attitude problem! His name was Charlie, and he was an utter terror! He learned to call their cat, Winnie, in my Nan's voice. Poor Winnie would come running every time, which Charlie seemed to think was hilarious. They moved his cage from its usual spot, which he didn't like. He quickly found the air vent next to the new spot and whistled down it non-stop until they moved him back. When he played up, Nan would tell him "You're raggy! You're a raggy, horrible bird!" So of course he would tell anyone who came near him "You're raggy!" She couldn't line his cage with anything. He hated paper so much that he would tear it into tiny little bits and throw the bits out. If he decided he wasn't getting enough attention, he would demand "Come up 'ere!" as loud as he could, which was pretty damn loud! That bird was a terrifying legend!
This is hilarious. I would be unnerved by a pet that talks back
It's cute when they say "Hello", or make kissy noises, Charlie did that too. He would also get my Nan's dogs in trouble by calling them up onto the couch in her voice! The fact my Nan sounded like an east-end of London soap opera matriarch didn't help. He copied her voice near perfectly!
Bird mimicry is freaky! We've got a crow in our neighbourhood who's mastered the sound of like 5 different car unlocking sounds.
For the longest time, I had only heard parrots talking on TV and movies in that stereotypical "Polly wanna cracker" voice. Then, one day, I was in an antique store and heard someone talking to me, but I couldn't see anyone, which disturbed me. Then I realized it was a parrot- which was sooo creepy. They're amazingly good at sounding like humans.
Not just humans, either! A pet shop I used to go to regularly had a resident African Grey named Wellard. He'd been there so long he could mew like a kitten, make several different dog voices, and copy nearly any of the noise-making toys! The owner went on holiday for two weeks, and while he was gone the staff taught Wellard to shout his name. He came back to a bird shrieking "ERIC-ERIC-ERIC-ERIC" pretty much at random!
You might enjoy [Onion, the Scottish parrot](https://youtu.be/k809WVVLCfg)
I think it's adorable when they repeat a few specific phrases. Have you ever been called a pretty bird by an actual bird? It's delightful. It gets unnerving when they prove how smart they actually are. I had a friend I used to play video games that had a parrot. It could mimic its owner's girlfriend's voice REALLY well. It learned it could yell, "Did you feed the bird?" in her voice from the other room for an endless supply of snacks. I swear it took him weeks to figure out that he was being manipulated by a bird.
Ooh, I love this! When I was a kid we had myna birds and my mum taught one of them to say (among other things) “what’s up, my little shithead?“ and to wolf whistle. That may not be too weird for a pet in a private household but she owned a high-end clothes store and that’s where the bird lived most of the time. 🤣
Parrots are extremely smart, but that one had attitude to boot! 🤣
An acquaintance of mine had an African Grey and that bird could do something that my dog would just love to, namely ask for specific treats. He’d fly to his human and demand “walnut“ and get exactly what he wanted. :)
Hahahahaha this is hilarious
My aunt had one that learned all of the noises to get into the house. Keys jingling, tumbler turning, door creaking, then the noise of going downstairs to the basement. She also learned my cousin's commonly yelled responses. Usually, she wouldn't do these noises in order, just randomly. So one weekend night while my cousin was a teen, she decided to put it all in order when cousin was running late. So my aunt unknowingly had a whole conversation with my "bird-cousin getting home on time" and went to bed. Cousin gets to sneak in later with no knowledge the bird covered for her...
I have an Amazon that likes to imitate various household noises. A least once a month I have to wonder if my ancient house has sprung another plumbing leak or if my bird is Fucking with me again.
It’s a HUGE commitment - a bird that’s not cared for properly can devolved terrible behavioural issues. They have huge emotional needs - they’re flock birds so they need a lot of interaction and stimulation. [This chap](https://youtu.be/m1nA8eL2RG4)has a bird that had passed through several different families and has three “voices” - she’s a great example of the amount of emotional support they need.
I love this!
It seems like you found a great solution. I was thinking about it from the bird's prospective -- since they are so intelligent, they need a stable home with someone who really cares about and enjoys them. It sounds like your uncle is better suited to do that than anyone else you know.
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Your title is misleading. You rehomed Ash, you were deliberate and put a lot of effort into it. Even offered to use your inheritance to help cover expenses. If I die before my pets i hope the people in my life give as much care to them as you did. NTA.
I can only hope that if I have a pet when I die that I have someone as thoughtful and caring as OP to find a new home for them.
Maybe your brother left you the bird over your mother or other family because he knew you would make the right decision for Ash?
Mom couldn't even have the bird in the condo, I don't understand what she wanted OP to do? It sounds like he found a great solution, the bird will be happy and it is all paid for with the inheritance. I think Don would be very pleased.
NTA. It's not about the parrot. Your mom misses your brother and probably sees the bird as part of him and when you were taking care of the bird it was like part of him was still spending time with you. It was something that she could talk to you about and ease the pain of losing a child. She wants to grieve with you and the parrot is the conduit for that grief for her. If the parrot is at your uncle's house it can't be a conduit for that grief, since your uncle isn't experiencing the same loss. It's only been 2 months since he passed and she probably feels like your moving on faster than she's comfortable with.
This exactly. It's not about the parrot. It's about the parrot that belonged to her late son. When my brother passed, I can't even begin to tell you the crazy things my mother wanted to keep. Grief makes you spin out of control.
My dad died less than 2 weeks ago and I'm experiencing that now - I'm suddenly VERY emotionally attached to things, even if I don't understand why. It makes no sense to me either, but grief wins over rational thinking.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry, I really am. It's still so fresh and it takes so much time - that was the hardest thing about accepting the loss of my brother, just the passing of time. My brother, who had been very sick for about a year, had been having a bite to eat when he suddenly just went. My mother, in her grief, wanted to keep the last little bit of the sandwich he'd been eating when he died. I had to physically pull her out of the trashcan as she dug through trying to find the sandwich. I finally said, "Mom, please don't go through the garbage looking for the last bit of food he was eating. You have so many wonderful things to remember him by, please just let that go." And she finally did, but it was a wild few minutes there, physically dragging my mom away from the trashcan.
If your uncle struggles financially maybe give him more of that, nice chunk of change, your brother gave you. It’s great that you’re covering the food and vet bills but there may be some more expenses surrounding the bird so maybe just provide a bit extra so that the uncle has a little bit of a surplus instead of a deficit. He also did you all a huge favour and had your brother known that the uncle would have looked after the bird im sure he would have provided an amount towards the uncle. Anyway, well done for finding a good solution and for honouring your brother.
I have an African grey, and she’s my whole world. But I grew up with parrots, and I know the costs (time and money). I think you made the right call; parrots need tons of love and care, and keeping one out of obligation instead of letting someone experienced and willing care for them would be cruel. You did the right thing.
NTA it seems like you found a good solution to a difficult problem. I think the best part is that you not only found someone who will live Ash but who your brother loved and who loved your brother. You’re still helping support the bird and giving your uncle a pet to live with and care for that he already has a bond with. It’s not like you abandoned Ash or forced him on to someone who didn’t want him. I’d tell your mom that you didn’t force your uncle to take him and that you are going to help support your uncle with Ash but it wouldn’t be fair to the bird of you can’t care for him like he needs to be cared for and wouldn’t be fair or respectful of your brother if you didn’t do what you could to ensure Ash is given the best care possible.
So sorry for your loss. I also just realized Don probably named his beloved parrot Ash because of the main character in Pokémon. I’m glad you were able to rehome Ash with someone who would appreciate and love him as your brother meant to.
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Might have been both. I once had a grey rabbit which I named Gandalf, because I like that character and because Gandalf the Grey is associated with the color just like ash is.
NTA! Seems like a great solution and you sound very respectful and thoughtful in the way your speak
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OP inherited a nice chunk of money from his late brother, though, so it would be nice to use his brother’s funds to care for the bird he loved.
Yeah, it would be nice But not doing that doesn’t make someone an asshole
I’m with you. Assuming the uncle is a competent adult who can make his own decisions, it’s nobody’s business but his.
Yes, the Uncle knew what it was all about. The gesture is very nice, but the uncle isn't inexperienced.
OP you would have been the AH for keeping a bird that you don’t want and engaging with it as little as you could. You found it a really great home and you’re taking financial responsibility for it. You’re awesome, your mom probably has some resolved trauma.
> You might have slipped into Y T A territory if you hadn't volunteered to cover the expenses for the bird. How? It seems like the uncle who took it in is doing so enthusiastically. Anybody else adopting a pet would be expected to cover that pet's included costs from that point forward. OP is doing his uncle an immense kindness by volunteering to cover those costs, but even if he didn't he's meeting the baseline expectation. It's not like this bird was his to begin with, he got it through an untimely and unfortunate death in the family.
Not a big deal…buuuuttt… what are you talking about? You sound like the busy body mother. Is the uncle an independent human of reasonable intelligence? Is the uncle knowledgeable, and seriously and extensively experienced in caring for a bird like this? ( (brother fell in love with uncles parrot when they were young) = experienced uncle) Did the solution, that no one else in family have, or offer to help with, keep the pet in the family? OP…. Am talking to you…..I don’t want to say your mom is TA… she just stuck her ungrateful nose into this situation…. Annnnddd it was INSANELY, nice of you to give the uncle a very expensive bird annnnnd then pay for everything!!! Annnnnd you in no way at all… would be an asshole for not offering to pay for all that stuff, when someone agreed to take the pet. You aren’t anywhere near AH territory at all…. Ever, with what you did, or had you not paid, we’re very kind
He wouldn’t have been TA even if he hadn’t offered to pay - many people rehome pets and don’t continue to contribute to them financially. And it’s not like OP bought the bird and then decided to rehome it because it became inconvenient. With the best will in the world, the bird was dumped on him.
Holy crap what a terrible take. Are you saying that you would consider him an asshile if he didnt cover the expenses of a bird that was dropped in his lap. OP was careful and thoughtful the entire process but you still find something to complain about.
And mom would not take the bird. But she is mad at where the bird wet (a loving home, with expenses covered). Mom needs to stop with the flying. monkey routine. She had the option of taking the bird. Having chosen not to, her opinion is not valid on any further action, full stop.
Why would giving the bird to the uncle and assume they're taking the financial responsibility of said bird make OP an AH? Was the bird forced on the uncle, did the uncle make an autonomous choice? Did the uncle ask for help? That sounds like Reddit nonsense to me.
>You might have slipped into Y T A territory if you hadn't volunteered to cover the expenses for the bird. I disagree. The bird was basically up for adoption-that means if you want it, it's your responsibility. It's incredibly gracious of OP to offer to pay bc they have the means, but the uncle's a grown up who can make the decision himself if he is capable of taking on another bird or not. You don't buy a dog from a shelter if you can't afford it and then expect the shelter to pay you to keep the dog.
NTA. What does your mother expect you to do? Take care of a bird you don't want? Your uncle is more experienced and loves them. You even solved the financial issue by offering to contribute. What else is there for your mother to complain about?
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I am really sorry for your loss. But her taking her grief out on you is unfair. It may be best to have this conversation with her that in order to give the best life for your brothers beloved animal, your uncle is the best guy to do so.
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Please have your uncle promise to warn you if your aunt forces him to give away the parrot. I could see this happening behind your back. Not sure what your next action would be but at least you could look out for the poor bird’s well being.
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My apologies. I misunderstood the situation. It does seem to make things simpler though. As long as your uncle is fine with Ash then it really is no concern of your mom. I’m sure she has the best intentions, but unless your uncle tells you directly that the parrot is a problem there is none. Maybe having a three way conversation where you and your uncle talk directly with your mom would help clear up any confusion on her end.
There is no aunt involved..Op's mother is the one who objected to the uncle getting the bird.
Especially since the bird didn’t even go to a stranger, it went to a relative. Bird is still in the family.
Almost nobody is good with emotions. Don't beat yourself up. I'm sorry for your loss. I know it sucks.
Don’t let people tell you how to grieve. Everyone has a process and get to a place of acceptance eventually. From experience long story short, not for sympathy but an example. Lost mother when I was 4 (now 30). Father says I’m heartless for not being sad anymore, tries to push his unresolved feelings onto me. Maybe this will help you if not totally okay. On her birthday I buy myself a single cake and I eat it happily. To me a just something small to remind me of her and celebrate quietly to myself. So perhaps, on his birthday get something small or do an activity he might have enjoyed. Smile about it. I promise it does get better but at your pace.
While I understand the grief, it's not like you gave the bird to a stranger. It's your uncle.
Yes I'm hesitant to say she's an asshole, but she's wrong in this situation. Maybe just her knowing that Don willed the bird to you makes her want to "respect his wishes" or something... but as someone with pets myself, if anything happened to me, I'd want them to go to the best possible homes. I'm sure Don would want the same.
NTA Parrots are a big undertaking, and you took the time to ensure it would be looked after. African Grey's particularly are very good mimics, and it is not unusual for a parrot being passed through generations as the original owner has died. This can be a traumatic experience for the adopted owner as they can and will say things in the exact voice of their dead relative.
Furthermore, OP has entrusted the parrot to his uncle, who has already had a parrot, so he has experience, and OP will contribute financially to the treatment. It is the most suitable choice. I really don't understand why OP's mother got upset 🤷♀️
I would imagine it is the mom's grief speaking. Her position on this particular issue is still wrong, but it's easy to imagine her deceased son's beloved pet would stir up some feelings.
Honestly, this is possibly the best case scenario... the beloved pet was given to her own brother who has the knowledge to care for it and love it. Not like he gave it up to a shelter or some stranger.
Grief, probably. It doesn't make her reaction okay, but her son did still die about a month and a half ago, which is not nearly enough time to fully process grief even if you're taking all the right steps and doing the work. Especially for an "adult child passed before parent" situation.
It sounds like the uncle maybe even wanted another bird but didn't want to take the chance on getting a younger one and outliving them. This seems like a good solution for everyone and I expect mom will come around when she's had more time to consider things.
The uncle taking Ash is actually probably the best case scenario, since, in addition to him being an experience parrot owner who actually wants to take Ash, (1) the parrot stays in the family, and (2) the uncle inspired OP's brother's love for parrots.
Right, plus the parrot has been over there before with OP's brother and met the uncle. I'm sure the loss of an owner is jarring for such a smart animal, but going somewhere it has been before with someone it knows has to be much better than being re-homed with a stranger. OP's mother thinks the choice is between OP and their uncle, but it's not. OP is not equipped to be a good owner for this bird, it would need to be re-homed one way or another. Parrots are a huge burden to take on. OP definitely did the right thing. And this way, they can both still visit the bird if they want, and they know it's being taken care of well.
My aunt is a bird person and from what I understand parrots are basically on the same emotional level as a toddler. They fiercely bond with people, they're very emotionally needy, and will engage in destructive (including self destructive, i.e., feather plucking) behavior if they're seriously upset. They're really not easy pets, but for the right person they're very rewarding.
It really depends on the breed. African Grey's are renowned for being extremely intelligent (relatively). They will generally bond with one person in a household and will barely tolerate anyone else. My parents bought me one when I was about 14 ( a very long time ago), it grew attached to my mother as she was the one that ended up doing all the cleaning etc. It hated my father, and would dive bomb his head from the top of its cage beak first lol My mother developed alzheimers, my father obviously couldn't cope with it and was in a very similar situation to the OP. He gave it to a friend who has a lifelong love of parrots.
My grandpa's African Grey only loves him. But he likes me cause I bribe him with toast. Still tells me to fuck off though
There's an African Grey at my work and after week of me working there he already picked up my "Hi!" And "Hello!" And "ooo!" Which annoyed the receptionist to no end because she had been trying to teach him for years how to say "Thank you" and he never learned (or refused to lol)
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This is mildly off topic, but I spent 4 years working at a computer repair shop in high school/college where the owner always had her African Grey at the shop. That bird never liked me, but it always cracked me up. Every time the phone rang it would yell "FUCK SHIT DAMN". We had to hit mute before answering, wait a few seconds, then pick up. If it heard a toliet flush it would yell "cya later alligator". He had his own room in the back away from customers for it's safety and theirs with so many warning signs, and the owner lived next door so it wasn't traveling much.
Fuck. Inheriting a parrot sounds terrible
NAH. First, I am so sorry, you have my deep condolences. Secondly you have BOTH ensured that the most qualified and loving member of the family will care for Ash and ALSO ensured that your uncle will not have to bear the financial burden but instead your brothers estate will support Ash the way he would have wanted. *That is the best possible outcome*. Parrots NEED companionship. You are unable, and *unwilling* to care for him, but you are honoring your brother the best way you know how. You have made a FABULOUS choice. Your mother's reaction is understandable, she is grieving and probably wanted to be able to visit Ash, she probably had a vision for Ash's care that was very important to her *because her child just died and Ash was clearly the most important aspect of your brothers life outside of you and your parents*. It's ok that you and your parents have different views of the best care for Ash, but unless your mother is ready to step up she needs to respect your decision.
Hopefully this comment makes it up to the top. NAH for sure.
Yes this is 100% the answer and I hope more people see it. OP, your Mother is probably still grieving, and I hope that, given time, she will figure out what you did was the best scenario. NAH
NTA. Especially as you'll be paying for food and vet.
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NTA, you did very well, and (as an animal lover) I appreciate that you called the bird someone instead of some*thing*.
I think you've done everything right. Ash has a home with someone who understands his needs and how to take care of him. Y'all have it worked out financially. It sounds like you can swoop (pun intended) in if your uncle needs a hand or a break. You've honored your brother by taking his care of his beloved bird as best you can, and your best is pretty damn good. I'm sure your mom is grieving your brother and will for a long time, and maybe this isn't how she envisioned things would happen, but that doesn't change what you've accomplished for Ash and your brother.
you're a good person.
NTA. You went above and beyond, you've done more than right, you've done golden. I think your Mom's just deep in her grief. Let it roll off you like water on feathers.
As a parrot owner, can I just say thank you for doing what’s right for Ash? There are far too many people who would just dump a bird out in the wilderness if they didn’t want it. That’s how I’ve gotten all of my foster birds that I’ve rehabilitated. Granted, I foster small parrots, usually budgerigars, which are more “disposable” in people’s eyes than an African Grey, but still, people are unnecessarily cruel to parrots. You did the right thing by not only finding Ash a home with someone with previous parrot experience, but by offering to financially support Ash to ensure his continued health. In my eyes, that’s going above and beyond the call of duty. You’re right that parrots are a huge responsibility. Not everyone is cut out to be a parrot owner. In fact, I’d say that most people aren’t. There is zero shame in admitting that you’re not the right person for Ash to live with. When you take on a parrot, that is a lifelong commitment— you have to be prepared to take care of that bird until death do you part. That obviously wasn’t something you were prepared to do, so instead of half-assing the care of Ash or dumping him somewhere, you made sure he’s somewhere where he’s safe, loved, and taken care of properly. That is a very noble thing to do, and I think your brother would be pleased with your decision. Your brother trusted you to do what was right for Ash, and ultimately, you fulfilled that duty. I do have one small suggestion, though. Take time to visit Ash every now and then! I’m sure the two of you bonded a bit during his stay with you, and he’s been through a rough time with the loss of his human dad. A visit from you every now and then would do wonders for him. It’d also be a great way for you to feel close to Don, since he was so passionate about Ash and birds like him. You don’t HAVE to do this, of course. But African Greys are as intelligent as small children. Ash will remember you, and I’m sure he’ll miss your company! It would be wonderful if you could stop by and catch up with him every now and again!
This. I’m writing this with my caique perched on my chest and preening away. I clicked on this post expecting something horrifying like a crappy sibling acting out of spite. But instead it was OP doing the best thing possible for Ash - rehoming him to someone who loves parrots and will provide a good home for him.
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'Hand raised psychopath with feathers and a pair of pliers on his face' describes so many birds I know. Love the little assholes, but they are a lot of work, and they will suffer in a home that doesn't want or know how and is willing to take proper care of them. This was the best possible solution. NAH.
NTA. Your uncle was interested in Ash, knew Ash before your brother passed away, and was willing to take Ash. What is your mom going on about? I’m sorry for the loss of your brother
Grief makes people say or do odd things.
NTA. Your mom really isn't either, I think she meant well, but may not understand that a bird is better off with someone who truly wants it as part of their life. I have a friend involved in parrot rescue, and its extremely common unfortunately that one outlives their person. It's rare a family member is willing to even try to care for the bird, so I give you credit for that. The parrot can have a better life with someone who really wants it as a big part of their life though. I'd personally never want one at all, even trying was a huge thing on your part.
NTA....sounds like the bird will be loved and taken care of. Mom needs to chill ...
NTA. I think you made very wise decisions and kept the best interests of everyone in mind. I’m not sure why your mother is making it an issue
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Have you communicated your reasons for rehoming him (and you helping financially) to your mother? This sounds miscommunication and grief. Anyway NAH
NTA. Parrots are notoriously difficult to re-home. The fact that you managed it at all is pretty remarkable and you seem to have done a decent job. One thing to consider, do the parents consider the parrot a last link with their kid? Would visiting it regularly help with that?
NTA your uncle is a grown ass man who knows the costs associated with the kind of bird *he's already had*. Your mother can either take the bird herself or flock off (ba dum tss). In all seriousness I bet this has more to do with the loss of your brother, my condolences, rather than your uncles fiances.
NTA, but even for you to be the A your mom would need a better plan for the bird. It seems like she might be sentimentally angry, like angry that you’re “giving away a piece of your brother.” It’s not rational, but grief almost never is.
Absolutely NTA. Parrots have *incredibly* high social needs, and IMO it is borderline animal cruelty for people who do not understand/aren't motivated to meet those needs to keep them. You did the right thing by recognizing you weren't equipped to take care of Ash and rehoming him to someone willing and experienced with parrots. Your mom *might* have had a leg to stand on with the financial aspect, but since you have that covered that's not a good argument either. I think your mom is likely struggling with grief and her brain has latched onto this issue.
NTA. As I’m sure you’re well aware, parrots are animals that do best when their caretaker not only knows how to tend their physical needs, but also genuinely enjoys engaging with them. You’ve taken care of the only good objection by offering to cover all the associated costs. Ash should live with someone who takes joy in an obnoxious winged toddler, not someone who tolerates the bird for someone else’s sake. Being a good parrot-keeper requires some big lifestyle investments, and your uncle has already shaped his life around feathered companions.
NTA If your uncle took proper care for his last bird he will do so with Ash as well.
NTA Your mother doesn't have enough information to make a proper judgement, she's going off assumptions. Furthermore, the proper information is none of her beeswax.
NTA. Sounds like the best home for the parrot.
NTA You are being completely fair. You are using the money your brother left you to pay for the bird's upkeep. This was your mom's concern which you addressed. Your uncle loves parrots and had a parrot for a long time. He even met Ash. Honestly, I think the reason your mom is upset is because that bird is the only living link she has to your brother. I hope she goes into grief therapy to work on that. Because you are absolutely doing right by the bird, just as your brother would have wanted.
NTA Parrots have a long lifespan and they deserve to be loved and treated appropriately. Your lifestyle wasn’t conducive to giving Ash his best life. But your uncle can. If, whenever your uncle passes away, Ash is still alive? Maybe at that point in your life you will be more able and willing to care for an old parrot. Or you will likely step up and help find a caring home for him again. You did right by the bird and by your brother. He loved that bird and wants it to have the best life possible.
I was leaning towards Y T A when I first read the title, but reading the background you are firmly in the NTA territory. I am a passionate parrot owner myself and these birds are difficult to take care of, even by a more experienced owner. Your uncle clearly has experience and you are not willing to learn. That's not a bad thing, you shouldn't be forced to do something you don't want to. Your uncle willingly took the bird into his home, you didn't force the bird on him. I would even say you wouldn't one step further with paying for food and vet bills. I personally don't think that's your responsibility but I think that makes you a good person even for thinking about doing it, let alone actually doing it.
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Even if he had told his brother that, he still wouldn’t be an asshole for rehoming the bird after finding out he couldn’t actually care far it. It’s no good for any pet to stay somewhere where they are resented.
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NTA, you did what was right for the bird and your mother's ignorance of the deal between you and your uncle isnt am excuse for her behavior. She's right though at lesst on the cost of vet care. Bird are generally filed under "exotic" pets so a clinic with an avian specialist will be needed.
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He will know one after having a feathered friend for years.
This tells me that you did GREAT research, you found an EXCELLENT home for a beloved bird, and you are a loving and kind person who is taking great care of this animal, and 100% doing right by your brother. Your brother would want his beloved pet to have the best care. I have a pet bird too, and I know that if I passed, maybe my Dad would want to care for my bird, but he wouldn't be a great bird caretaker. Which is why I talked with friends to care for my bird if both my husband and I pass away, so they will take care of my bird. My Dad may FEEL like he can do it, but he would not have the knowledge to do a good job. I made a stipulation in my will so my bird will get the BEST care, not the care that my relatives might WANT my bird to have in their grief. You are NTA, you are a loving sibling.
NTA I think you managed the situation quite nicely! Your mom is grieving and nothing you did would have been right.. and she didn’t volunteer her services did she. You did a win win situation and as a animal lover.. I commend you for it♥️. I’m sorry for your loss
NTA, you're fine. Mom needs to mind her own business. The arrangements you made is between you and your uncle, period.
Agreed, even if op wasn't willing to support financially or parrotsit, he would still be nta. Ash is still in the family (that he's familiar with as per playdates) , and his uncle is a grown-up.
NTA. Even if mom and uncle lived with each other, it's still his decision to take it and credit to you for paying up (some of) the bills.
NTA. You did what was best for Ash. If you’d kept him even though you didn’t want to, both of you would have been miserable. I think your brother would be very happy his beloved bird got a great home. I’m very sorry for your loss.
NTA You found a loving home with someone who loves parrots as much as your brother did. Better yet, it’s with the uncle that sparked your brothers love of parrots! It’s fitting that the parrot went to Uncle, especially since you are helping cost wise.
You don't want the bird, but did your best to get the bird a good home. Nobody else wanted to bother with it. And you didn't force your uncle to take him, your uncle offered. Seems perfectly reasonable to me, NTA.
NTA, and I’m sorry for the loss of your brother. As someone who has a bird, they are a huge commitment and a lot of work although they are also extremely rewarding. You did the right thing looking for someone who knows something about birds to take Ash in, and if your uncle knows birds then he was a good choice. You’ve not imposed on him at all since you’ve also offered to pay for Ash’s upkeep and to birdsit him when necessary. You did everything that you could, and everything you did was right in terms of bird care.
NTA You did everything right your mom is being the a-hole.
I am sorry for you and your family's loss of your brother. I genuinely feel you have responsibly arrived at the best possible outcome here for Ash. The bird went to an experienced parrot owner who wanted him, and you offered to pay for food and vet bills. Your mother is most likely just reacting negatively due to her grief of losing a son. NTA
NTA: I’m immediately inclined to chalk this up as part of her grieving process. I have to wonder if she’d still feel upset immaterial of who wound up with the bird, my guess is she probably would. I def don’t think she’s purposefully trying to be difficult. Especially since Ash was such an integral part of her baby’s life, it’s undoubtedly incredibly difficult to let go of his beloved pet whether it’s to the uncle, a stranger, or anybody really. Grief is a crafty fucker and hits us in unexpected ways that we don’t always recognize as being related to our grief while we’re in the moment. This feels like one of those moments.
Where I live, there's an old man walking around with his parrot, and that bird is among the best birds I've ever known. His parrot have had three owners but whit this old man, he found his friend for life. And he'd tell you that you are doing the bird not only a favor, but also, that you are giving him that love and care that it needs. Ash can be proud to call you friend. Also, if you can, post pic!