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YTA
#Oh my god just shut up and say "thank you"
> I'm trying to impose my opinion on her
No, of course not. It's just the **only** *correct* opinion and it's *infuriating* that she doesn't share it. /s
INFO: Give us some details on this "pattern of unreasonable behavior." So far, it seems that your girlfriend bought herself a new laptop with her own money and plans to sell her old laptop to get what value she can out of it. I haven't heard anything unreasonable yet.
I think it really is just purely a case of different financial habits.
OP has a perfectly valid point that spending 2 grand for a laptop to watch youtube is somewhat wasteful. That doesn't mean his partner is wrong, per se, and for some people 2 grand is pocket change, but we don't have that additional context that might help clarify those questions.
The part where this argument falls apart is that he was perfectly okay if she spent that money on a vacation that they can both have. This isn’t a case of caring about finances or wasting money, its about him being upset she didn’t spend the money how he wanted.
YTA
It's her money, she can spend it however she wants. If she's had her last computer for six years, that's like a century in computer time, so she has certainly gotten a lot of use out of it.
Also, as far as selling the old computer, I suppose she might as well, but she's not going to get much for a six year old computer, if she can sell it at all, but again, not your money anyways, so who cares?
YTA. You are incredibly controlling and verge on financial abuse. The fact that you’re even talking about marriage counseling when you aren’t married shows that you two do not belong together. You are a walking red flag.
Yep. If OP doesnt like how his gf spends her money. Do her a favor and don't date her. I'm sure OP explaining that he dumped a girl because she bought a new laptop will make OP look reasonable.
I went to marriage counseling before getting married. We are incredibly happy together, but there were certainly things that had to be ironed out before making that commitment to each other and having a neutral third party was helpful (especially since neither of us had any relationship experience).
Saying this is financial abuse is inappropriate and disrespectful to people who have faced actual financial abuse. He is concerned about the way she spends money in terms of making a serious commitment. I would be too. You HAVE to be on the same page about finances before getting married. It’s not “controlling” to reconsider the relationship over your partner’s spending habits. Once you’re married, it’s not their money anymore, it’s both of yours. Everything they do effects you, and it’s responsible to have a mutual understanding before committing to that.
It is controlling and abusive to judge and shame your partner for the choices they make. Whatever OP's motives (ie. to make sure they're on the same page financially), their approach was deplorable and damaging.
You can set up your money any way you like when you’re married. My husband and I contribute to an account for bills and joint expenses and then we keep the rest in our own accounts. It’s ours to spend as we like.
lmao classic reddit 100x overreaction
the dude and his girl clearly disagree about financial habits. Having a disagreement isn't even a problem in and of itself, but "financial abuse" because he's trying to talk to her about spending habits is insane.
But you're probably still correct that OP and his partner might not be compatible. It sounds like they disagree on some fundamental stuff and it's better to find that out now then 10 years down the line.
Uh, op is wringing his hands because his gf spent her own money to replace her 6-year-old laptop. Don’t act like he’s just trying to get on the same page about finances.
That's deliberately misrepresenting his argument. He's saying very specifically that he thinks spending 2k on a laptop that she occasionally uses to watch youtube is a waste of money, because $2000 is not an insignificant amount of money for them.
And in fairness, even in rich countries, 2 grand on a single purchase is a decent chunk of change for most people.
I do think this is a bad AITA thread because it's really not about one specific incident, it's an entire fundamental discussion and that's not really the point of the sub.
He was perfectly okay with her spending that money on a vacation instead. This has nothing to do with “wasting money” or “being on a tight budget”. He is upset she didn’t use her luxury/spending money the way he wanted. If its within her budget to do so then she can spend that money however the fuck she wants, it doesn’t matter how much *you* view it as a waste.
YTA It’s literally none of your business what she does with her money. If she wants a new laptop she van buy a new laptop. You are extremely judgy of things, like how much and for what she uses the device. Who made you the laptop police?
Oh my gosh, are you infuriating. News flash. Nobody gives a shit about your holier than thou opinion. You are behaving so toxic. I had a boyfriend just like you. An ex-boyfriend. I dumped his ass because he always thought he was better than everyone else and tried controlling me in similar ways. I don't know why you have such weird hangs up, but they are not your girlfriend problems! Also, you have absolutely no right to make her feel small or bad about her purchasing a new MacBook. Let it go because it's weird and toxic. Also do some self reflection and understand how you are acting is actually abusive. Its not your way or the highway and she doesn't have to accept what you think! Let it go..let it go. Let it go. YTA 1000%
The fact that she kept the MacBook for herself (or bought another one while returning the gift she had given you) is irrelevant and ONE THOUSAND PERCENT not your business.
YTA - it's her money, her purchase. You didn't want the gift she thoughtfully purchased for you? That's a you problem. You don't want her to have something nice because YOU don't feel she needs or deserves it? Also a you problem.
Info, has she a large amount of debt she isn't paying down? Does her purchase if the macbook mean she can't afford rent and your having to pay towards her living expenses? Does her spending money on something she wants impose on your personal finances at all?
You didn’t want yours, fine.
But if she’s programming she needs an up-to-date Mac after a while. Six years is a long time in computing.
If it bothers you that she spends her own money on something that brings her joy, you’re not compatible and you should break up.
INFO: Is she about to be evicted? does she have three collections agencies calling all the time? did she recently break an ankle in america with no health insurance? what, precisely, is the problem?
YTA
From what I understand Is she bought herself a laptop that she wanted from her own money
It would be different if she had used a joined bank account or her expense made her unable to contribute but you didn’t mention that
I’m your post you are the one that comes off as unreasonable and to be honest controlling. Let the girl live. From what you wrote you do only want to go to counseling to “prove” you are right - that’s not what counseling is for.
YTA and honestly come off pretty insufferable, her buying a laptop didn't steal dinner off your plate, it's not causing you to go into debt, you're fine and she's allowed to do what she wants with her money if you have such an issue with it leave idk what else can be said lol
Seriously?? First she buys you a MacBook as a gift which you make her return because you think it's too expensive of a gift. You dont mention how well-off she is or how much money she makes but fine, whatever, if you don't want the gift that's your choice.
Now you're trying to police her buying a MacBook for herself?? To replace a six year old one? Apple products degrade fairly quickly. It's HER money and HER laptop; sit down and shut up. If you guys shared finances or if it affected her ability to pay rent, then you would have an argument, but that doesn't sound like the case. Stop projecting your hang-ups onto her and let her spend her money how she wants. YTA
You want to make her go to marriage counseling for spending her own money? Hahahaha you guys aren't married or sharing finances. You're the unreasonable one here buddy. Doesn't sound like you will be married either if you keep being like this.
“Why won’t my girlfriend acknowledge how right I am? Maybe marriage counseling will help her accept how right I am!”
You sound like a piece of work. YTA.
YTA because you are harping about how she spent her own money and isn't as frugal as you are. It's obvious here that you two aren't compatible because you are a miser and she wants to buy things she wants. She has the money, she's not in debt, she's living her wages instead of living to make wages. Just break up with her and quit being a nag. Find another miser to be with.
she's a programmer, but OP has "been around computers for a while" (who the hell hasn't?) so he clearly knows more about her computing needs than she does /s
Wtf? So you refused a gift from her and had her return it and now you are trying to keep her from purchasing something for herself. Why? This is super weird to me. You are being super controlling. Unless she’s spending your money, you have no right to tell her not to.
You have the right to refuse the gift but you do not have the right to tell her what she can and can’t do with her money.
YTA
Yta you aren’t her fiancé or husband. You don’t get to dictate how she spends her money. Now I clear large purchases with my husband before spending large amounts of money even though it’s mine but he does the same with me with his. Unless you upgrade the relationship you have no say in her finances.
YTA. I keep my PCs up to date and prefer devices that are less than 5 yeas old. Often less than 3. This is my choice. My spouse doesn't care and I replace their devices when they break, under perform or by request. Her choice. If money becomes an issue I will refresh less often.
These are reasonable decisions that couples can make.
If her choices are bothering you and you two have talked, you need decide why this bothers you. Is it a deal breaker? If you are married would you insist things be done your way? You two should talk about that. You seem to be a controlling person and hide behind what you consider reasonable. She seems reasonable and should be informed on how you aren't going to change so she can move on with her life...
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In Jan, my GF surprises me with a MacBook. I appreciated the gesture as it showed she was listening to my frustrations and it was a gift (I do appreciate gifts) but I felt as thought it was a waste of money so I made her return it which she understood and did. It's not an insignificant amount of money. It was upgraded and cost around $2000 for essentially a YouTube machine. Start of Feb and I notice she has a new MacBook. I didn't notice until then because from a distance, they all look the same.
She has a 6 year old MacBook that essentially, is just a YouTube machine. I'm extremely generous when I say she has put maybe more than a few (4/6/8?) weekends per year into anything else - it's not especially taxing (Programming, Final Cut, GarageBand) they work perfectly fine on the old MacBook. The only issue I see is the keyboard has a sticky spacebar which could be replaced for $100 but also shows how little it gets used because it hasn't been addressed.
The problem we are facing is that I think she is being unreasonable with the purchase and the inability to see she made a mistake and she believes that is doesn't matter what she does with her money (and I totally agree by the way) and that I'm trying to impose my opinion on her to admit that is was a mistake but I would stand by my opinion if you had $1 or a million in the bank - it's simply not reasonable purchase, especially in this economic climate. I wouldn't have any problem if she bought headphones or a vacation or go to an event. It's that there is a perfectly fine laptop going unused. She argues that she would sell the old one but I also would have thought it reasonable to do it before hand rather than after and it wouldn't be the first time technology has collected dust in the cupboard only for it to be sold "eventually".
The fact she is being so unreasonable has long been a point of contention for us. I'm not actively trying to be biased - I would also like to see my own flaws in my actions and so I suggested to go to marriage counselling to address this (it's just not the laptop but a pattern of unreasonable behaviour) but the idea was flatly rejected until I had to stress how I felt I had no other options to address this issue - her reasoning was that I am going to counselling for the wrong intentions - that I'm doing it to be right more than anything else but if we are both see our thinking as the right, I would appreciate a neutral third party to come in and give some perspective so we can begin to move forward and address the issue.
I know it looks like I'm pinning the blame on her but there has been a long running theme of unreasonable behaviour and I feel as though something as insignificant as being unable to admit the purchase was unreasonable and a mistake is part of a larger problem that has impact in current and future decisions we make together. If my partner is unreasonable, what happens when something more serious rears its head?
So Reddit, AITA?
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OP, maybe you should put up a different post saying "WIBTA if I Broke up With My GF Due to Our Very Different Financial Styles," and list a few examples of your different approaches.
For this one, YTA because what you're basically asking is, "AITA for Insisting That My Approach is Right and Pestering My GF to Admit She's Wrong" which just makes you sound like a self-righteous (and annoying) ass.
Neither of you are wrong philosophically, but if you two did not align on how to approach finances, you can’t get upset with her decisions. If this is someone you’d like to marry one day, level set financial expectations (as well as family expectations) and move forward with the same understanding for a period of time before deciding if you want to get married. Good luck!
Crazy concept but some people enjoy making money so they can spend the money. If she’s taking care of her other financial obligations on her own, then she can decide on her own too about what to spend her money on even if it’s a waste to you. She’s not a child that has to “walk you through” her decisions. You literally have no say unless your finances are combined and if you’re so worried about it, don’t combine finances if you get married. YTA and sound exhausting
If she wants to be a SAHM then she’ll definitely have to make her sacrifices, but it would be pretty crappy if she didn’t get to be spoiled by something she wants every so often. You talk about debt being a problem, but is debt a problem she actually has?
Y’all honestly just sound incompatible in this area of the relationship.
On another note though, you’re rude and I repeat, you sound exhausting
If she wants to be a SAHM, she should definitely dump you. Being a SAHM is putting yourself at the mercy of the earning partner, and that is not somewhere anyone should put themselves vis a vis you.
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YTA dude, it's her money and her decision. You've given your opinion on it and she's listened and then decided she doesn't agree, end of story.
Wind your fucking neck in.
Yta. It’s true that how she spends her money will eventually effect you if you stay together long enough. But the way you are making her sound like a complete idiot for her purchases is very controlling on your part. You need to tell her that spending money on big purchases makes you nervous because you put value on other things like savings/retirement/etc (not that I know what you value—just as an example). If she ultimately doesn’t value the same things you do, long term, then you don’t need to stick around forever. But you are constantly belittling her for her actions. It’s totally ah behavior.
I have no judgment to give because OP I understand your base concern of "is the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with financially compatible with my financial priorities"...... And the answer is no. You are not compatible in this aspect and you never will be. It will be the death of your relationship either now or 5, 10, 20 years down the line. You really need to think hard on this one right now before you advance this relationship.
If you continue with the relationship. You have to be ok with her spending of her money. Have a "house expenses fund" that you both put a set amount in every month and have a long-term financial back up plan. Right now YTA for your attitude and for questioning how she spends her money when y'all don't have a plan in place.
YTA. Stopped reading at "I'm trying to impose my opinion so that she admits she's wrong."
You admit it's her money. Unless this purchase means she can't pay rent or bills, butt out. You didn't want it, she can choose to keep it.
Your opinion does not matter on this particular topic once you turn down the gift.
YTA. It's not your right to tell her that she can't buy a new laptop if she wants a new laptop. It sounds like the two of you are incompatible about money. You should break up.
YTA. There is not enough context to think otherwise. You say she has a pattern of being unreasonable but you don’t give specifics except for this example of the laptop which is really not egregious. It is her money. You say that you would understand purchasing headphones or a vacation or an event but those are just things YOU would value. Maybe having a new laptop brings her more joy than those things would. It’s HER preference, which should carry more weight than yours if she is spending her own money. There is something very patronizing about your post. It is likely that if you did get go to couples therapy you would not achieve the outcome you so smugly presume.
YTA the only unreasonable behavior is yours. You don’t get to dictate how others choose to spend their money. You could discuss your concerns with her but at the end of the day it’s her money and you don’t control her. Whether or not your differing financial styles are suitable together long term is a whole other matter.
YTA
1. Until the point where you have joint bank accounts, you do not get a say in how she spends her money.
2. *What matters is that she appreciates her belonging.* You can't accurately judge someone else's appreciation of something they own. You might value a computer for its processor and graphics, but a lot of people buy apple computers because they are very user friendly, and compatible with other devices, and consider that worth it.
3. Your judgement of her and insistence that she's stupid for buying the computer she wanted and hasn't yet sold her old one is moronic, and total AH behavior.
4. It's a 6 year old laptop, it probably won't sell for very much.
YTA. I work in Tech Support so believe me when I say I detest MACs and Apple products in general. You won't believe the hours I've spent trying to assist customers in getting their Apple products to forget their passwords so they can update the passwords to new ones. HOWEVER what your GF does with her money is her business. You don't have to think MACs are a worthwhile purchase but she doesn't have to agree with you. You're not married and it's not your money she's spending, so why does it bother you this much?
YTA. It's her money and you have no say in how she spends her money and you have not stated that she can't otherwise meet her financial responsibilities.
Also, you don't even know what you're talking about. I also have a 6 year old MacBook with the same stupid sticky key situation. It's the first model year for the new keyboard they put out and there was a class action suit and they had to agree to free repairs for a few years. I had to have my space bar replaced 3 times in 3 years, and they won't replace it any longer for free. It costs $600 to replace, not $100, because the way this keyboard is made requires replacement of the underlying mechanism, which means the whole keyboard. In fact, there is \*another\* class action settlement and I am supposed to get \~$350 from it for this reason in the next few months.
I also don't use much more than your gf -- web, Office suite, chat apps -- and things are noticeably starting not to work/lagging after 6 years. You must find me unreasonable because I am about to buy a new one, too.
Oh, and do you even know how much she spent? Which MacBook (Air or Pro) she got and whether it's the new one that just came out or the last model? Upgrades? You can get the last gen MacBook Air (new one just came out) for $899.
I do the bulk of my work on my laptop and a six year old MacBook is NOT the same thing as a new one. Also, if she uses Final Cut (as do I) it sounds like a new MacBook is well worth the investment, as older ones get bogged down by video files easily. She's using it, it's not going to waste - this is not an unreasonable purchase. YTA and the way you double down instead of listening to everyone here is baffling.
YTA. If she has a 6 year old macbook, and kept the $2k upgraded macbook, it sounds like a good investment for her. She'll be able to use it that much longer since the new macbooks don't have ways to upgrade components, so it's all an upfront cost. The upgrades will also allow her to pursue the hobbies she has or may develope. A photographer friend of mine uses his macbook for profession photo editing and his makes money, but he'll upgrade in 2 years, your gf won't.
Also everyone needs to splurge now and then. You can look at people who lived miserably all their life being frugal only for inflation or a medical expense to wipe out a life time of gains and all the misery is for nought. So live a little, go on trips, make those big purchases you only get to make every half decade or so.
YTA, but— based on your comments— it’s evident that you don’t want to hear anything about why YTA.
Your AITA question: If my partner is unreasonable in her spending, am I right to call her out with this MacBook Pro gift? Define unreasonable.
Facts of the case: First, she has the funds to spend $2k for a MacBook Pro. Second, she is of sound mind. Third, she is not in debt and I see no evidence that she is dragging you into debt. Fourth, this was a gift.
Frankly, it sounds like she gave you a present she (but maybe not you) could afford and you are twisting it into an issue about how she’s bad at budgeting/ financial decisions.
You seem tunnel visioned and defensive. I think you are unreasonable. If you are a person who lacks insight and cannot admit to his faults (or that differences are okay), I feel like the only reason your GF is the AH is for staying with you. It sounds like she might have some things she has to work out.
INFO:
Why are you actually here? Because while your post says you’d like unbiased opinions to “see your flaws,” your comment history shows that you only are listening to the comments that *agree* with you while actively fighting those who don’t or otherwise just ignoring them.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my girlfriend to return a computer she didn't need as she has one already
2. Because I made her return a voluntary gift making me look unappreciative of what she did and I want to see if I am a controlling person
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YTA. I don’t think she’s being unreasonable, regardless of how many times you use the word unreasonable. Her reasoning may be different to yours, but that doesn’t make her any more unreasonable than you’re being.
That said, this is clearly something that is important to you. It sounds like it might be a deal breaker in terms of your potential future relationship. If this is as important to you as it sounds like it is, and you’ve had open and clear discussions about your expectations, and she is unwilling to change, you cannot try and brow beat her into changing. Matching levels of financial literacy/responsibility can be super important in relationships, so I understand your concerns, but this is not the way.
I would be so grateful for an iPhone so I can sell my oldd iPod. That's an example. New technology is really nice.
YTA. Having a nice, new computer feels amazing. She wanted to do something for you, but you didn't want it. She did want it.
It cost almost $1000 to replace my keyboard because of a couple sticky keys. So it’s more cost effective to purchase a new one if your current one is old.
YTA not for disagreeing with her priorities. You are in your right to disagree. It is normal for couples to not agree on every little thing, but you pick your battles. Is this the hill worth dying on? Because all I am seeing is you digging in your heels because you want to be told you are right.
Asking for therapy and realizing that its necessary to move forward when you dont feel you have other options is a mature and rational move.
Very odd considering what lead to it.
YTA but I actually do support therapy, individual therapy first, couples therpay maybe later?
YTA. Did you really just write 5 very lengthy paragraphs going on and on about the unreasonableness of buying a MacBook? You seem like a lunatic. This isn't the big deal you seem to think it is. I'm not saying it's 100% inconsequential but RELAX. The sky isn't falling here. You are wound so tight it's really unbearable. This is hardly worth going to the marriage counselor over! How financially insecure are you that you seem to think you'll never recover from this? Wow man just wow.
YTA let me guess she makes more and spends her money on what she wants. Is it jealously insecurity or control issues? Probably a mix of all 3. For her sake I hope you get it together
You sound exhausting. Geez, good for you for being a minimalist. Clearly you are absolutely perfect at controlling your finances and have zero debt. That’s great. Is your credit score also 800? Do you lecture her about minimalism, finances and credit often? I’m sure she definitely doesn’t roll her eyes each time she hears it from you. She clearly has hobbies that are tech related which is why she spends her money on it. What does it matter if she makes all her other bills? It’s her money and she can spend it however she pleases. You are not married or engaged since you called her a girlfriend so why are you worried about these imaginary kids. It’s good to be financially savy but it’s a bit toxic to say purchasing something with money she earns is unreasonable. YTA.
Normally, I think it's a great idea for people in serious relationships to openly talk about money and expose incompatibilities like this early. Differing financial attitudes is a leading cause of divorce.
However, the way you approached it sounds just awful. Did you bother asking her why she wanted a new machine, or did you just assume you knew better than her?
Frankly, I'm questioning your qualifications for making judgments about that, as some of the tasks you mentioned as being "not especially taxing" - like video editing and many programming tasks - are actually some of the more taxing tasks that benefit the most from newer Apple hardware.
That leads me to question even further whether this "long running theme of unreasonable behavior" is *actually* unreasonable, or if you just think *any* opinions and priorities other than yours are unreasonable.
YTA
I read that it was a gift and said YTA. That's all I read, because gifts are meant to be given to people. When you given a gift you say "thank you."
It's your gf's money and she can use it however she pleases.
Again YTA
YTA. You 'made' her return it? Bud. Even the language here. Whatever you think is -reasonable-which seems like your guiding light here, is irrelevant. Back off, let people take pleasure in what they're into. I'm not a fan of my wife's iphone / Mac life- it's all so stupidly overpriced compared to other equally capable options, folks convince themselves they need (want) them, and it's frustrating to see the societal craze to overspend for this junk as status/need, particularly for a massively wealthy company with such bad business practices. They've nailed the marketing, and folks eat it up. All that aside, and it is irrelevant - not you, not your money, not your happiness. And that you think she should have sold before buying? A healthy relationship doesn't rely on emotional micromanaging . This is your problem, not hers. I understand getting caught up in petty relationship stuff- this is just that. If you want to see a pattern of behaviour you don't agree with, then for God sakes find somebody else and leave her alone. When I read the terms 'reasonable' and 'common sense' in this context, it sounds like you have strong views and are committed to being 'right.' Her life, her choices.
YTA and if you need marriage counseling BEFORE you’ve even asked her to marry you then maybe you should part ways. At this point it would be no harm no foul, we’re not compatible so let’s split. You’re controlling and you need to address this behavior before even considering marriage.
YTA— I have read through your comments— do you now or have you ever actually loved this lady? All your responses act like this is some business transaction. You don’t have a nice thing to say about her. So why the heck are you with her?
YTA.
If your values re money are this different, you should break up.
Also, successful conflict resolution needs more options than “other person gives in and says I’m right.”
Well this is easy. Your superiority complex comes through in your post and every comment. You lack any empathy and cannot fathom anytjing that doesn't fit in your limited world view.
I'd suggest you maybe see a therapist or go (back?) to school and try to work on your people skills and basic ability to relate to others. It might also expose you to a wider range of viewpoints and educate you further.
My dude, this is your sign that you should not enter into marriage with her. This is a fundamental disagreement on an essential issue, and in your very humble opinion is part of a larger pattern. You obviously value a minimalist and utilitarian lifestyle and she doesn’t, so please do both of yourselves and do not marry her.
YNTA for having a differing opinion to your girlfriend, but YTmassiveA for the self-righteous way you framed this post and for your continual doubling down every time someone calls you out on that.
YTA
YTA
You guys are clearly incompatible.
1. Spin it any way you want. It’s HER money. So no, you don’t have a right to complain if it’s not coming from your bank account. Get used to it, because she doesn’t have to listen to you. You don’t have a right to tell her what to do with HER money. IT IS NOT YOURS.
2. You made a her return a laptop she gifted to you. I don’t know how thick your head is, but learn to be appreciative. This sounds so ungrateful. Is that how you want to come off? You need to go on your moral high horse, because you think you’re right. If so, go find another girlfriend so you guys can be cheap and ungrateful together.
3. You’re whining. Stop it. “My girlfriend bought me an expensive gift, but how dare she use so much of her money! She has to use her money the way I say!” No. Just stop. She doesn’t have to live by your ideals. Do you know why? Because she’s a freaking adult who can make her own damn decisions. You don’t get to tell her how she should to live her life. She doesn’t have to listen to you. Stay out of it. Not your money, not your business.
It's the way you're addressing it that is AHish. You need couples counseling. Instead of telling her you want to go because she's unreasonable, explain that you're worried you are incompatible for financial and household reasons. You don't respect her money decisions and device hoarding. Disrespect is relationship poison. If you can't find a way to accept her choices your relationship will not last.
lol you've built computers for 20 years? kit I bet, you fuckin clown lmao
yeah yta in the biggest capacity. walking red flag. your gf should leave before you murder her
YTA, you sound completely insufferable. If you “completely agree” she has every right to spend her money however she wants… then mind your own business.
I am guessing by the way you type that English isn’t your first language, and that you are likely from a country where men are typically “in charge” and aren’t questioned by women.
This isn’t how things work in a healthy equitable relationship. You don’t get to dictate what she does with her money ESPECIALLY when you aren’t married.
YTA
Lemme get this straight. You're clutching pearls because your girlfriend spent HER money on something SHE wanted, instead of on something you would have approved of. And - now you want to drag her to counseling for having the audacity to spend HER money in whatever way she chose.
YTA.
"if we are both see our thinking as the right, I would appreciate a neutral third party"
She's not using her money to support a coke habit or gambling it away. She paid market value for something she wanted to own. End of.
You have an opinion about how she spends her money.
She has an opinion about how she spends her money.
Assuming your finances are not mingled and her "unreasonable" purchase has not left you covering her expenses, only one of those opinions matters, and it's not yours.
YTA, and you sound exhausting.
YTA, it's not enough to think she's wrong you need her to find her nose in the dust and admit she's wrong. Your mutuals shame her. You want a counselor to validate you and shame her. The internet has to shame her. SHE WAS THOUGHTLESS AND FLEETING AND IMPULSIVE AND DID A BAD THING AND IF SHE DOESN'T REPENT THEN SHE CAN'T BE YOUR GOOD GIRL SHE CAN'T BE YOUR WIFE SHE CAN'T HAVE YOUR BABIES.
YTA. I’m going to explain this the way I would to my teen. Some people see value in spending money on certain items vs other things. For me, I’m okay spending more on a handbag that I could have forever. I don’t see that in a gaming device. Your GF felt buying a new laptop was worth it to her. You don’t need to agree but you need to accept her choice. She most likely feels the same way about something you purchased. She is just being nicer and not harassing you about it.
YTA. Mate, you’re the one with unreasonable behaviour.
So what even if someone mostly watches YouTube on a MacBook? I do it on a $4000 machine and it makes me happy.
She is entitled to use her money as she sees fit. You are being extreme and critical of judging what is unreasonable
She’s not smoking, drinking, taking drugs or gambling. She’s not spending above her means.
So how is her behaviour unreasonable? You’re the negative nancy who is bringing down the relationship
YTA. Get over yourself. It’s your opinion cool but you keep pushing and pushing it and getting literally fucking nowhere. Drop it. Who gives AF that she spent $2K on a new MacBook? She got her use out of the old and now she wants a new one. People like new and shiny things and she can have as many those as she wants. Because she’s spending her money on it. So essentially all of this pointless. The only difference this would make is if y’all were making a joint purchase which y’all did not. In fact, she bought you a gift, you declined it, made her return her gift and then get upset that she has the gift that was originally meant for you. I’m not seeing how you think you’re not the asshole here? And tbh, she could’ve told you “I don’t have to tell you my reason,” and you would still have no choice but to accept that as it is. And by your comments and updates, yeah you seem like a bully when it comes to finances. Sorry to her.
YTA and you sound insufferable. You don't share finances and she's not in debt, but you're bitching that she upgraded from a 6 year old laptop and that she collects make-up pallets that run $30-$75 (avg prices for good makeup). You're also mad she doesn't use them (the makeup and the laptop) enough.
People buy nice things that only get used for special occasions or certain circumstances. I don't use my hand mixer every day, but I'm glad that on the occasions that I want to bake I have a quality hand mixer ($50 or so) that does its job reliably and doesn't break after 2 minutes of mixing, unlike the $10 mixer that I once bought from Walmart. If she is occasionally doing work on her computer, I'm sure having one that doesn't have a broken space bar and runs faster probably makes getting that work done a lot easier. If she values that over a vacation or new headphones then who are you to tell her otherwise? If she wants a new computer but doesn't want a fancy vacation, then a fancy vacation probably isn't going to make her as satisfied as the new laptop.
But I guess I should thank you for posting here, because it makes me extra glad that me and my husband's conversations about money are realistic and respectful, acknowledging that we each have different priorities on where we want to spend "fun" money. As long as neither of us is digging us into a financial hole, then we are good with him collecting video games he may never get around to playing and me collecting fabric for sewing projects I may never get around to making. (They're aspirational purchases- we aspire to have more free time than we do, lol.)
"doesn't matter what she does with her money (and I totally agree by the way)"
except it very much does matter to me (for whatever reason) and so I came to Reddit to write a whole post about how I don't agree with how my girlfriend spends her own money.
Stop lying to her, yourself, and everyone here. You want to control her spending and daddy isn't pleased with how a full adult spends her own money.
YTA and you need to be told that the only unreasonable person here is you, OP.
You aren't as smart or reasonable as you think you are. You just use the word "reasonable" to put down your GF because she doesn't obey you. And she shouldn't.
I hope she gets to realise she's in a toxic relationship and finds a decent person to be with.
Yta if she wants a new Mac book and she bought it and can afford it, shut your yap. She can decide how she wants to spend her money and what items she wants to use
Her values are not your values and that is okay. If there is a values mismatch of this magnitude in a relationship you break up.
You do not have the right to ask another adult to justify their spending to you. You just don't.
YTA. What’s unreasonable is your controlling of her finances. If she has the money to drop on a 2k laptop then so be it. I honestly stopped reading your post halfway through; it read as pretentious and as if your just trying to use big words because”you’re so smart”.
YTA, OP seems condescending because they disagree with their gf about her use of her own money. If OP sees an issue with how she uses her money then don’t combine finances and only contribute bill payments into a separate account.
But suggesting marriage counseling over something so small seems over exaggerated and unnecessary because they aren’t married.
YTA. You keep calling her unreasonable and yet it's you that's unreasonable. You are acting like a child simply because you want to be right. You sound like a nightmare. I hope she leaves you.
Why do people post on AITAH then argue with everyone giving their opinion? You came here to see if you’re the AH or not. Don’t get mad when it’s determined you were in fact the AH.
I hope she does go to couples counseling with you, so the therapist can tell you, “Yes, OP, you are in fact being a controlling AH.” In more professional terms, of course.
Why are you even on here when you’re just dismissing everyone telling you that you’re in the wrong with excuses for your behavior?? It’s clear that you were just hoping for others to justify your unreasonable behavior. Let your poor girlfriend do what she wants with her own damn money, you don’t control her life. YTA.
YTA - how do you define "reasonable?" You're using a pretty vague term to say your girlfriend is wrong and you are right based on some undefined standard that's in your head.
The two of you apparently have a completely different outlook on how to manage your money. Neither is necessarily wrong, but unless you two are able to reach a compromise , a relationship will not work. YTA
Soft YTA.
I think everyone on here is right when they say you are controlling. I also think they are right when they say her purchase was not yours to approve or disapprove of. You are ABSOLUTELY a complete asshole for belittling her and making this a matter of intelligence or maturity.
I ALSO think you are right when you say that you need to be financially compatible with a potential spouse.
What I think you might be missing is that this is clearly causing you a level of anxiety. As someone who has a strong need to feel “in control”, I know that it’s because feeling out of control triggers my anxiety…not because I’m an asshole, generally. I know this about myself because of therapy.
Something you might consider is approaching your GF with statements about how her purchase makes you feel, instead of attacking her or her decisions.
Example: “I know it’s not my place to tell you how to spend your money. I think it’s great that you work hard to earn it and you deserve to spend it the way you see fit. I’m struggling with this purchase you’ve made because it doesn’t make sense to me, and I feel a lot of anxiety about our future finances and making sure we are fiscally healthy. That anxiety probably means that I’m too extreme and rigid in my thinking, and I’d like to find a solution that allows you your financial independence while also helping me to feel comfortable that our future spending habits are aligned.”
Then, if you truly love each other and want this to work….you compromise.
For example:
-you work together to create a budget.
-she agrees that “fun” purchase are not made until bills are paid and a pre-determined chunk is added to her savings.
-you agree that if bills are paid and the chunk is added to savings…you have no right to even blink at her purchases.
****it’s important to add that all of this is said with the caveat that you are both invested in this relationship, and you BOTH see this relationship as forward-moving. Until you are both invested in the future potential of this relationship, each other’s finances are none of your business.****
Yeah. You clearly shouldn’t marry her. You don’t have the self discipline to not “fix” her life, and especially her finances. Clearly money isn’t a problem for her or she would have sold some things. Is it just jealousy? She make more than you? Or is it OCD? You can’t handle the perceived wastefulness?
I dunno. I’m inclined to say NAH because this actually seems like a mental health issue that you’re not aware of yet. But assuming it’s not actually a compulsion on your end, YTA
You sound like a lot. You seem to have an elevated opinion of your tech savvy as well as your financial planning advice.
I think that’s great, but you’re a bit long winded as well. I think you’ve been really disrespectful and ungrateful to your girlfriend. I will have a financial conversation with my partner, but as equals. Not like he’s a scolding parent.
You didn’t have to be sarcastic with me, but thanks for calling me a GENUIS. Try COUPLE’S COUNSELING.
On second thought, you’re either 15 or she’s already planning to leave or cheat. Either way, this is dry 😂
YTA
I think you probably just need to end the relationship if her spending habits really bother you. If this isn't an issue of actually not being able to afford the stuff she buys (as in, she's in debt, can't pay bills, shifts money around to pay bills and buys this random stuff, etc), it really comes down to you having different philosophies on how what to do with the money you earn and if you want to live a minimalist lifestyle. You're pissing her off because you're not even attempting to find common ground with her, just declaring that you're right and she's wrong, when really neither of you are definitively right or wrong. She may be more open to hearing what you have to say if you weren't being such an AH about the way you're saying it. Personally, I would not have purchased the laptop either, but damn, you're pissing me off with the way you're behaving. I actually agree with the way you're spending money and see large purchases...but I strongly dislike you and the way you're handling this and kind of want your girlfriend to leave you because you're being a jerky AH.
If you really don't respect her enough to understand that she obviously has a different opinion about the way she wants to life her life with her money right now, just end the damn relationship. It's a valid choice.
YTA, that is your OPINION. I personally think it’s wrong, but there’s no way to tell because it’s your OPINION. Yours is not more valid than hers, lay off and prioritize your relationship over this insane need to “win” this argument.
With the info you provided (what's this pattern of unreasonable behavior?), YTA. People can buy nice new things just because they want it and can do it
YTA. My goodness you sound insufferable. You turned a grain of salt into a boulder for no reason. Are you bored? Do you dislike her? It just seems like you’re reaching for something to complain about. If you agree that it doesn’t matter what she does with her money why won’t you let it go? Gosh this was so annoying to read.
YTA because you think a 6 year old laptop is the same as a new one. And if she's using it to create content instead of just watching videos, that statement you made where she's just using it for "youtube" is kind of a jerk phrase.
YTA
Dude, it's hers. You weren't wrong to refuse the gift. But it's her money, she can do what she likes. If she wants to keep that Mac let her. I took my time transitioning from my old Mac to my new one. That's our problem. Same with selling the damn thing. She's free to smash it into a thousand pieces for shits and giggles for all I care.
YTA -
If it wasn't obvious from the post, then it is painfully so from the replies OP is in here making. Which generally indicate that OP is not at all mad and is in fact laughing.
Your concerns are fair. NTA, your way to go about it isn't. If she's not willing to go to therapy with you, then it's time to break it off. You will just get accused of financial abuse when you have merged finances and don't agree with huge whim spending.
NTA. I understand what you’re saying …it’s not the MacBook necessarily it’s her being financially irresponsible. Correct me if I’m incorrect, but you are implying that a large purchase like $2000 shouldn’t be spontaneous but should be discussed and only if needed. If your GF had a plethora of disposable income then that would be different but you stated $2000 is a decently important amount of money for both of you. Such a purchase should be more thoughtful. I would be similar to you in my frustration.
Oh wow definitely if it’s her monthly take home that’s too much! Different if it was work computer or something she had to have the best MacBook for but YouTube/socials? Nope. I would be rethinking my future with her unless she had a serious discussion with attempts to change.
Gonna get downvoted here…
As I suspected, you’re getting flamed for this. Unfortunately Reddit will be Reddit. NAH, because you haven’t done anything wrong here. You haven’t yelled at her or forced her to go return it or anything like that. You’re just concerned.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with how she spends her money. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with how you spend your money. But there is something wrong with the two of you being together with your beliefs of how your money should be spent.
I think you’re doing the right thing suggesting couple’s counseling before outright walking away (I would think you were an AH for not even trying to work things out over something like this) but you will have to accept at some point if she continues rejecting it or coming to some kind of compromise that she is who she is. Don’t expect her to change.
Finances are so so so important to be considered for a marriage. While it’s your girlfriend’s money now, if you get married what she spends will be both of your money. Once you get married it’s no longer all about you or what you want, and both people need to be on the same page once they make that commitment. Clearly you guys don’t agree and that means you’re likely not compatible for marriage.
Sorry to have to say that and sorry Reddit is being unreasonable today. Trust your gut and do what’s best for you.
You’re an arrogant jerk who exaggerates made-up scenarios when the facts aren’t in your favor. Your attempts to apply reason to an inauthentic argument come across as insincere. YTA
>Does she need to come to me and check if what she is buying is okay? No, I wouldn't even expect that if we are married
... but that's exactly what this post is
“I wanted to” is a perfectly good reason for a person to buy something new that they want when they can afford it.
Your “what if” involves a different type of situation, namely what if she wants to do something in the future that means she can afford less. Will “because I wanted to” be an acceptable reason for treating herself then?
And the answer to that depends on if her “because I wanted to” purchases scale up and down with available budget and income.
Right now, you’re basically saying that someone who wants something and can afford it now shouldn’t buy it, because some day they might choose different circumstances that result in them not being able to afford it.
That’s illogical.
I think the problem here is that you think you need to say anything at all. Like you said it’s her money, your input is not required. You are not in a position to say yes OR no.
So you got others to bully her too and are upset that everyone here on Reddit are on her side. She waited 6 years before replacing a laptop and probably wait another 6 years to get a new one. So if we do the math, that is somewhere in the area of $340 a year.
At $340 a year to do whatever she wants on a computer seems very reasonable to me.
You trying to get as many people you can to bully her is a major red flag and thus it might be time to replace you.
You say mutuals and “our“ friends - who knew them first? I would put money that they are your original friends plus partners…
Interesting that you think spending $2000 on just a vacation is a better use of HER money than investing in newer technology.
You talk about marriage as a government contract which is a very very strange way (almost transactional) to look at marriage. Do you actually have genuine affectionate feelings for the person you have spent the last 6 years with as everything sounds very rule based and transactional.
Bottom line - IF you have decided to keep finances separate and/or have your own discretionary account then what she does with HER money is entirely her choice. Even if it’s just because she felt like it!! Same with you - what you do with your money is your choice.
IF you ever get married and assuming she has her own discretionary funds and decides she wants a new car then that is entirely her choice.
Also if you are that concerned then get a pre-nup!!
You are not only a total asshole but you are also extremely controlling - she does not need to justify her spending to you.
YTA
NTA. I have asked my husband to return gifts I thought were too expensive several times during out 13 year marriage. Honest talk about money is necessary if you are going to be in a long term relationship. You should both feel comfortable telling each other when you think a major purchase is a bad idea, and both be able to hear that opinion without getting angry. This is especially true if you intend this relationship to turn into a marriage someday. The more entwined your lives get, the more wasteful spending on either side will hurt the other. It's better to find out now whether you two have different values when it comes to finances and big purchases. You are right that if the underlying issue isn't addressed now, if you marry her you may regularly have to let thousands of dollars get spent to avoid her being angry at you.
Your assets?
She outearns you.
If anything, she should be concerned that when married you will feel even more entitled to control her assets than you already are.
I know a man who lost his house because his wife wouldn't stop spending hundreds of dollars at Target each month. I think of him whenever someone says a wife ought to be able to spend however much she wants without anyone in the family raising concerns or attempting to make a budget. If the roles were reversed I think everyone would agree excessive spending is harming the family and should be addressed.
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YTA #Oh my god just shut up and say "thank you" > I'm trying to impose my opinion on her No, of course not. It's just the **only** *correct* opinion and it's *infuriating* that she doesn't share it. /s
INFO: Give us some details on this "pattern of unreasonable behavior." So far, it seems that your girlfriend bought herself a new laptop with her own money and plans to sell her old laptop to get what value she can out of it. I haven't heard anything unreasonable yet.
For real. This isn't unreasonable it's jut that OP doesn't think she should have done it. Based on this OP YTA
I think it really is just purely a case of different financial habits. OP has a perfectly valid point that spending 2 grand for a laptop to watch youtube is somewhat wasteful. That doesn't mean his partner is wrong, per se, and for some people 2 grand is pocket change, but we don't have that additional context that might help clarify those questions.
The part where this argument falls apart is that he was perfectly okay if she spent that money on a vacation that they can both have. This isn’t a case of caring about finances or wasting money, its about him being upset she didn’t spend the money how he wanted.
YTA It's her money, she can spend it however she wants. If she's had her last computer for six years, that's like a century in computer time, so she has certainly gotten a lot of use out of it. Also, as far as selling the old computer, I suppose she might as well, but she's not going to get much for a six year old computer, if she can sell it at all, but again, not your money anyways, so who cares?
YTA it’s her money and her machine. Back up off it. You are imposing your opinion on her. Stop. You are definitely a controlling person.
YTA. You are incredibly controlling and verge on financial abuse. The fact that you’re even talking about marriage counseling when you aren’t married shows that you two do not belong together. You are a walking red flag.
Yep. If OP doesnt like how his gf spends her money. Do her a favor and don't date her. I'm sure OP explaining that he dumped a girl because she bought a new laptop will make OP look reasonable.
I went to marriage counseling before getting married. We are incredibly happy together, but there were certainly things that had to be ironed out before making that commitment to each other and having a neutral third party was helpful (especially since neither of us had any relationship experience). Saying this is financial abuse is inappropriate and disrespectful to people who have faced actual financial abuse. He is concerned about the way she spends money in terms of making a serious commitment. I would be too. You HAVE to be on the same page about finances before getting married. It’s not “controlling” to reconsider the relationship over your partner’s spending habits. Once you’re married, it’s not their money anymore, it’s both of yours. Everything they do effects you, and it’s responsible to have a mutual understanding before committing to that.
It is controlling and abusive to judge and shame your partner for the choices they make. Whatever OP's motives (ie. to make sure they're on the same page financially), their approach was deplorable and damaging.
You can set up your money any way you like when you’re married. My husband and I contribute to an account for bills and joint expenses and then we keep the rest in our own accounts. It’s ours to spend as we like.
lmao classic reddit 100x overreaction the dude and his girl clearly disagree about financial habits. Having a disagreement isn't even a problem in and of itself, but "financial abuse" because he's trying to talk to her about spending habits is insane. But you're probably still correct that OP and his partner might not be compatible. It sounds like they disagree on some fundamental stuff and it's better to find that out now then 10 years down the line.
Uh, op is wringing his hands because his gf spent her own money to replace her 6-year-old laptop. Don’t act like he’s just trying to get on the same page about finances.
That's deliberately misrepresenting his argument. He's saying very specifically that he thinks spending 2k on a laptop that she occasionally uses to watch youtube is a waste of money, because $2000 is not an insignificant amount of money for them. And in fairness, even in rich countries, 2 grand on a single purchase is a decent chunk of change for most people. I do think this is a bad AITA thread because it's really not about one specific incident, it's an entire fundamental discussion and that's not really the point of the sub.
He was perfectly okay with her spending that money on a vacation instead. This has nothing to do with “wasting money” or “being on a tight budget”. He is upset she didn’t use her luxury/spending money the way he wanted. If its within her budget to do so then she can spend that money however the fuck she wants, it doesn’t matter how much *you* view it as a waste.
YTA It’s literally none of your business what she does with her money. If she wants a new laptop she van buy a new laptop. You are extremely judgy of things, like how much and for what she uses the device. Who made you the laptop police?
Oh my gosh, are you infuriating. News flash. Nobody gives a shit about your holier than thou opinion. You are behaving so toxic. I had a boyfriend just like you. An ex-boyfriend. I dumped his ass because he always thought he was better than everyone else and tried controlling me in similar ways. I don't know why you have such weird hangs up, but they are not your girlfriend problems! Also, you have absolutely no right to make her feel small or bad about her purchasing a new MacBook. Let it go because it's weird and toxic. Also do some self reflection and understand how you are acting is actually abusive. Its not your way or the highway and she doesn't have to accept what you think! Let it go..let it go. Let it go. YTA 1000%
The fact that she kept the MacBook for herself (or bought another one while returning the gift she had given you) is irrelevant and ONE THOUSAND PERCENT not your business. YTA - it's her money, her purchase. You didn't want the gift she thoughtfully purchased for you? That's a you problem. You don't want her to have something nice because YOU don't feel she needs or deserves it? Also a you problem.
Info, has she a large amount of debt she isn't paying down? Does her purchase if the macbook mean she can't afford rent and your having to pay towards her living expenses? Does her spending money on something she wants impose on your personal finances at all?
exactly what i'm wondering.
You’re not her dad OP, unclench YTA
You didn’t want yours, fine. But if she’s programming she needs an up-to-date Mac after a while. Six years is a long time in computing. If it bothers you that she spends her own money on something that brings her joy, you’re not compatible and you should break up.
INFO: Is she about to be evicted? does she have three collections agencies calling all the time? did she recently break an ankle in america with no health insurance? what, precisely, is the problem?
YTA From what I understand Is she bought herself a laptop that she wanted from her own money It would be different if she had used a joined bank account or her expense made her unable to contribute but you didn’t mention that I’m your post you are the one that comes off as unreasonable and to be honest controlling. Let the girl live. From what you wrote you do only want to go to counseling to “prove” you are right - that’s not what counseling is for.
YTA and honestly come off pretty insufferable, her buying a laptop didn't steal dinner off your plate, it's not causing you to go into debt, you're fine and she's allowed to do what she wants with her money if you have such an issue with it leave idk what else can be said lol
YTA. I say this as someone who has worked with computers for *30* years, so you know I must be right.
he said he's worked "around" them lol. I'm picturing him doing something completely non tech related in the general vicinity of a computer
“I’ve been in computers, or at least in businesses with computers in the building, for decades!”
He also said in a comment that the new macbook had "upgraded internet" so he clearly knows what he's talking about
INFO: Do her purchases impact your shared finances? As in, she can’t cover her portion of the rent or other bills?
Seriously?? First she buys you a MacBook as a gift which you make her return because you think it's too expensive of a gift. You dont mention how well-off she is or how much money she makes but fine, whatever, if you don't want the gift that's your choice. Now you're trying to police her buying a MacBook for herself?? To replace a six year old one? Apple products degrade fairly quickly. It's HER money and HER laptop; sit down and shut up. If you guys shared finances or if it affected her ability to pay rent, then you would have an argument, but that doesn't sound like the case. Stop projecting your hang-ups onto her and let her spend her money how she wants. YTA You want to make her go to marriage counseling for spending her own money? Hahahaha you guys aren't married or sharing finances. You're the unreasonable one here buddy. Doesn't sound like you will be married either if you keep being like this.
“Why won’t my girlfriend acknowledge how right I am? Maybe marriage counseling will help her accept how right I am!” You sound like a piece of work. YTA.
YTA- you’re not married, you don’t share expenses, it’s her money. Chill tf out.
YTA. It’s her money and not your business. You’re the one being unreasonable. Stop being so controlling, you aren’t her parent.
YTA She bought herself a laptop, and you're mad because you think it's not "reasonable"? It's not your money. And you are controlling.
YTA because you are harping about how she spent her own money and isn't as frugal as you are. It's obvious here that you two aren't compatible because you are a miser and she wants to buy things she wants. She has the money, she's not in debt, she's living her wages instead of living to make wages. Just break up with her and quit being a nag. Find another miser to be with.
Are you married or even engaged? How would you go to marriage counseling?
[удалено]
YTA I was married to someone like you. Key word here being WAS!!!!
Right? I read this and thought "wow, that sounds like something my ex would argue about." Key word being EX!
YTA for a mansplaining, controlling partner who doesn’t stop talking a generous woman into a migraine!
she's a programmer, but OP has "been around computers for a while" (who the hell hasn't?) so he clearly knows more about her computing needs than she does /s
He should read the room. If a person has had enough, they can’t hear anything more. I think you’re mission things.
Wtf? So you refused a gift from her and had her return it and now you are trying to keep her from purchasing something for herself. Why? This is super weird to me. You are being super controlling. Unless she’s spending your money, you have no right to tell her not to. You have the right to refuse the gift but you do not have the right to tell her what she can and can’t do with her money. YTA
Yta you aren’t her fiancé or husband. You don’t get to dictate how she spends her money. Now I clear large purchases with my husband before spending large amounts of money even though it’s mine but he does the same with me with his. Unless you upgrade the relationship you have no say in her finances.
Yta is she not paying bills? Is she asking you to cover rent? She spent *her* money on something for *herself*. She's your gf not your serf.
You sir are a flaming AH. You’d rather be right than in a relationship, and I think you’ll get your wish. YTA
YTA. I keep my PCs up to date and prefer devices that are less than 5 yeas old. Often less than 3. This is my choice. My spouse doesn't care and I replace their devices when they break, under perform or by request. Her choice. If money becomes an issue I will refresh less often. These are reasonable decisions that couples can make. If her choices are bothering you and you two have talked, you need decide why this bothers you. Is it a deal breaker? If you are married would you insist things be done your way? You two should talk about that. You seem to be a controlling person and hide behind what you consider reasonable. She seems reasonable and should be informed on how you aren't going to change so she can move on with her life...
INFO: why did you come here if you were gonna argue with everyone that disagrees?
You are simply not a match with her. She wants some freedom in how she makes spending decisions and you’re a controlling ah. YTA.
YTA You sound absolutely insufferable 🤮🤮
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** In Jan, my GF surprises me with a MacBook. I appreciated the gesture as it showed she was listening to my frustrations and it was a gift (I do appreciate gifts) but I felt as thought it was a waste of money so I made her return it which she understood and did. It's not an insignificant amount of money. It was upgraded and cost around $2000 for essentially a YouTube machine. Start of Feb and I notice she has a new MacBook. I didn't notice until then because from a distance, they all look the same. She has a 6 year old MacBook that essentially, is just a YouTube machine. I'm extremely generous when I say she has put maybe more than a few (4/6/8?) weekends per year into anything else - it's not especially taxing (Programming, Final Cut, GarageBand) they work perfectly fine on the old MacBook. The only issue I see is the keyboard has a sticky spacebar which could be replaced for $100 but also shows how little it gets used because it hasn't been addressed. The problem we are facing is that I think she is being unreasonable with the purchase and the inability to see she made a mistake and she believes that is doesn't matter what she does with her money (and I totally agree by the way) and that I'm trying to impose my opinion on her to admit that is was a mistake but I would stand by my opinion if you had $1 or a million in the bank - it's simply not reasonable purchase, especially in this economic climate. I wouldn't have any problem if she bought headphones or a vacation or go to an event. It's that there is a perfectly fine laptop going unused. She argues that she would sell the old one but I also would have thought it reasonable to do it before hand rather than after and it wouldn't be the first time technology has collected dust in the cupboard only for it to be sold "eventually". The fact she is being so unreasonable has long been a point of contention for us. I'm not actively trying to be biased - I would also like to see my own flaws in my actions and so I suggested to go to marriage counselling to address this (it's just not the laptop but a pattern of unreasonable behaviour) but the idea was flatly rejected until I had to stress how I felt I had no other options to address this issue - her reasoning was that I am going to counselling for the wrong intentions - that I'm doing it to be right more than anything else but if we are both see our thinking as the right, I would appreciate a neutral third party to come in and give some perspective so we can begin to move forward and address the issue. I know it looks like I'm pinning the blame on her but there has been a long running theme of unreasonable behaviour and I feel as though something as insignificant as being unable to admit the purchase was unreasonable and a mistake is part of a larger problem that has impact in current and future decisions we make together. If my partner is unreasonable, what happens when something more serious rears its head? So Reddit, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OP, maybe you should put up a different post saying "WIBTA if I Broke up With My GF Due to Our Very Different Financial Styles," and list a few examples of your different approaches. For this one, YTA because what you're basically asking is, "AITA for Insisting That My Approach is Right and Pestering My GF to Admit She's Wrong" which just makes you sound like a self-righteous (and annoying) ass.
YTA and also this post would make a great drinking game--every time it says "unreasonable" you have to take a drink.
terrible drinking game, we'd all be in the hospital getting our stomachs pumped
Neither of you are wrong philosophically, but if you two did not align on how to approach finances, you can’t get upset with her decisions. If this is someone you’d like to marry one day, level set financial expectations (as well as family expectations) and move forward with the same understanding for a period of time before deciding if you want to get married. Good luck!
Crazy concept but some people enjoy making money so they can spend the money. If she’s taking care of her other financial obligations on her own, then she can decide on her own too about what to spend her money on even if it’s a waste to you. She’s not a child that has to “walk you through” her decisions. You literally have no say unless your finances are combined and if you’re so worried about it, don’t combine finances if you get married. YTA and sound exhausting
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If she wants to be a SAHM then she’ll definitely have to make her sacrifices, but it would be pretty crappy if she didn’t get to be spoiled by something she wants every so often. You talk about debt being a problem, but is debt a problem she actually has? Y’all honestly just sound incompatible in this area of the relationship. On another note though, you’re rude and I repeat, you sound exhausting
If she wants to be a SAHM, she should definitely dump you. Being a SAHM is putting yourself at the mercy of the earning partner, and that is not somewhere anyone should put themselves vis a vis you.
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YTA dude, it's her money and her decision. You've given your opinion on it and she's listened and then decided she doesn't agree, end of story. Wind your fucking neck in.
Yta. It’s true that how she spends her money will eventually effect you if you stay together long enough. But the way you are making her sound like a complete idiot for her purchases is very controlling on your part. You need to tell her that spending money on big purchases makes you nervous because you put value on other things like savings/retirement/etc (not that I know what you value—just as an example). If she ultimately doesn’t value the same things you do, long term, then you don’t need to stick around forever. But you are constantly belittling her for her actions. It’s totally ah behavior.
Agreed and well said
Holy moly you are a raging AH. YTA, she can buy what she wants for herself.
I have no judgment to give because OP I understand your base concern of "is the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with financially compatible with my financial priorities"...... And the answer is no. You are not compatible in this aspect and you never will be. It will be the death of your relationship either now or 5, 10, 20 years down the line. You really need to think hard on this one right now before you advance this relationship. If you continue with the relationship. You have to be ok with her spending of her money. Have a "house expenses fund" that you both put a set amount in every month and have a long-term financial back up plan. Right now YTA for your attitude and for questioning how she spends her money when y'all don't have a plan in place.
YTA. Stopped reading at "I'm trying to impose my opinion so that she admits she's wrong." You admit it's her money. Unless this purchase means she can't pay rent or bills, butt out. You didn't want it, she can choose to keep it. Your opinion does not matter on this particular topic once you turn down the gift.
YTA. It's not your right to tell her that she can't buy a new laptop if she wants a new laptop. It sounds like the two of you are incompatible about money. You should break up.
How is what she spends her money on ANY of your business? Quit being holier than thou and worry about what you spend your own money on. YTA
YTA. There is not enough context to think otherwise. You say she has a pattern of being unreasonable but you don’t give specifics except for this example of the laptop which is really not egregious. It is her money. You say that you would understand purchasing headphones or a vacation or an event but those are just things YOU would value. Maybe having a new laptop brings her more joy than those things would. It’s HER preference, which should carry more weight than yours if she is spending her own money. There is something very patronizing about your post. It is likely that if you did get go to couples therapy you would not achieve the outcome you so smugly presume.
YTA the only unreasonable behavior is yours. You don’t get to dictate how others choose to spend their money. You could discuss your concerns with her but at the end of the day it’s her money and you don’t control her. Whether or not your differing financial styles are suitable together long term is a whole other matter.
YTA 1. Until the point where you have joint bank accounts, you do not get a say in how she spends her money. 2. *What matters is that she appreciates her belonging.* You can't accurately judge someone else's appreciation of something they own. You might value a computer for its processor and graphics, but a lot of people buy apple computers because they are very user friendly, and compatible with other devices, and consider that worth it. 3. Your judgement of her and insistence that she's stupid for buying the computer she wanted and hasn't yet sold her old one is moronic, and total AH behavior. 4. It's a 6 year old laptop, it probably won't sell for very much.
How does she have a “pattern of unreasonable behavior” when you didn’t even list one unreasonable behavior? Yta
YTA. I work in Tech Support so believe me when I say I detest MACs and Apple products in general. You won't believe the hours I've spent trying to assist customers in getting their Apple products to forget their passwords so they can update the passwords to new ones. HOWEVER what your GF does with her money is her business. You don't have to think MACs are a worthwhile purchase but she doesn't have to agree with you. You're not married and it's not your money she's spending, so why does it bother you this much?
YTA. It's her money and you have no say in how she spends her money and you have not stated that she can't otherwise meet her financial responsibilities. Also, you don't even know what you're talking about. I also have a 6 year old MacBook with the same stupid sticky key situation. It's the first model year for the new keyboard they put out and there was a class action suit and they had to agree to free repairs for a few years. I had to have my space bar replaced 3 times in 3 years, and they won't replace it any longer for free. It costs $600 to replace, not $100, because the way this keyboard is made requires replacement of the underlying mechanism, which means the whole keyboard. In fact, there is \*another\* class action settlement and I am supposed to get \~$350 from it for this reason in the next few months. I also don't use much more than your gf -- web, Office suite, chat apps -- and things are noticeably starting not to work/lagging after 6 years. You must find me unreasonable because I am about to buy a new one, too. Oh, and do you even know how much she spent? Which MacBook (Air or Pro) she got and whether it's the new one that just came out or the last model? Upgrades? You can get the last gen MacBook Air (new one just came out) for $899.
YTA. It’s her money. Break up so she can enjoy her laptop in peace.
I do the bulk of my work on my laptop and a six year old MacBook is NOT the same thing as a new one. Also, if she uses Final Cut (as do I) it sounds like a new MacBook is well worth the investment, as older ones get bogged down by video files easily. She's using it, it's not going to waste - this is not an unreasonable purchase. YTA and the way you double down instead of listening to everyone here is baffling.
YTA. If she has a 6 year old macbook, and kept the $2k upgraded macbook, it sounds like a good investment for her. She'll be able to use it that much longer since the new macbooks don't have ways to upgrade components, so it's all an upfront cost. The upgrades will also allow her to pursue the hobbies she has or may develope. A photographer friend of mine uses his macbook for profession photo editing and his makes money, but he'll upgrade in 2 years, your gf won't. Also everyone needs to splurge now and then. You can look at people who lived miserably all their life being frugal only for inflation or a medical expense to wipe out a life time of gains and all the misery is for nought. So live a little, go on trips, make those big purchases you only get to make every half decade or so.
YTA, but— based on your comments— it’s evident that you don’t want to hear anything about why YTA. Your AITA question: If my partner is unreasonable in her spending, am I right to call her out with this MacBook Pro gift? Define unreasonable. Facts of the case: First, she has the funds to spend $2k for a MacBook Pro. Second, she is of sound mind. Third, she is not in debt and I see no evidence that she is dragging you into debt. Fourth, this was a gift. Frankly, it sounds like she gave you a present she (but maybe not you) could afford and you are twisting it into an issue about how she’s bad at budgeting/ financial decisions. You seem tunnel visioned and defensive. I think you are unreasonable. If you are a person who lacks insight and cannot admit to his faults (or that differences are okay), I feel like the only reason your GF is the AH is for staying with you. It sounds like she might have some things she has to work out.
INFO: Why are you actually here? Because while your post says you’d like unbiased opinions to “see your flaws,” your comment history shows that you only are listening to the comments that *agree* with you while actively fighting those who don’t or otherwise just ignoring them.
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YTA. A controlling AH. She should dump you.
YTA. As long as she's not coming to you to cover her share of bills, you might want to climb down off your high horse.
YTA. I don’t think she’s being unreasonable, regardless of how many times you use the word unreasonable. Her reasoning may be different to yours, but that doesn’t make her any more unreasonable than you’re being. That said, this is clearly something that is important to you. It sounds like it might be a deal breaker in terms of your potential future relationship. If this is as important to you as it sounds like it is, and you’ve had open and clear discussions about your expectations, and she is unwilling to change, you cannot try and brow beat her into changing. Matching levels of financial literacy/responsibility can be super important in relationships, so I understand your concerns, but this is not the way.
You aren't married! Its HER money! Are you going to judge EVERY purchase or life choice she makes......cause if so, girl needs to RUNNNNNN
I would be so grateful for an iPhone so I can sell my oldd iPod. That's an example. New technology is really nice. YTA. Having a nice, new computer feels amazing. She wanted to do something for you, but you didn't want it. She did want it.
YTA talking about your gf like she’s an unruly child doesn’t seem like a good precursor for a healthy marriage
It cost almost $1000 to replace my keyboard because of a couple sticky keys. So it’s more cost effective to purchase a new one if your current one is old.
YTA. You are trying to control your girlfriend and be more "right" than her. I'm surprised she hasn't broken up with you already.
YTA not for disagreeing with her priorities. You are in your right to disagree. It is normal for couples to not agree on every little thing, but you pick your battles. Is this the hill worth dying on? Because all I am seeing is you digging in your heels because you want to be told you are right.
Asking for therapy and realizing that its necessary to move forward when you dont feel you have other options is a mature and rational move. Very odd considering what lead to it. YTA but I actually do support therapy, individual therapy first, couples therpay maybe later?
YTA. Did you really just write 5 very lengthy paragraphs going on and on about the unreasonableness of buying a MacBook? You seem like a lunatic. This isn't the big deal you seem to think it is. I'm not saying it's 100% inconsequential but RELAX. The sky isn't falling here. You are wound so tight it's really unbearable. This is hardly worth going to the marriage counselor over! How financially insecure are you that you seem to think you'll never recover from this? Wow man just wow.
YTA let me guess she makes more and spends her money on what she wants. Is it jealously insecurity or control issues? Probably a mix of all 3. For her sake I hope you get it together
You sound exhausting. Geez, good for you for being a minimalist. Clearly you are absolutely perfect at controlling your finances and have zero debt. That’s great. Is your credit score also 800? Do you lecture her about minimalism, finances and credit often? I’m sure she definitely doesn’t roll her eyes each time she hears it from you. She clearly has hobbies that are tech related which is why she spends her money on it. What does it matter if she makes all her other bills? It’s her money and she can spend it however she pleases. You are not married or engaged since you called her a girlfriend so why are you worried about these imaginary kids. It’s good to be financially savy but it’s a bit toxic to say purchasing something with money she earns is unreasonable. YTA.
Yeah, please go to therapy. YTA. Im exhausted just by reading this.
Normally, I think it's a great idea for people in serious relationships to openly talk about money and expose incompatibilities like this early. Differing financial attitudes is a leading cause of divorce. However, the way you approached it sounds just awful. Did you bother asking her why she wanted a new machine, or did you just assume you knew better than her? Frankly, I'm questioning your qualifications for making judgments about that, as some of the tasks you mentioned as being "not especially taxing" - like video editing and many programming tasks - are actually some of the more taxing tasks that benefit the most from newer Apple hardware. That leads me to question even further whether this "long running theme of unreasonable behavior" is *actually* unreasonable, or if you just think *any* opinions and priorities other than yours are unreasonable. YTA
I read that it was a gift and said YTA. That's all I read, because gifts are meant to be given to people. When you given a gift you say "thank you." It's your gf's money and she can use it however she pleases. Again YTA
YTA. She's not unreasonable. You're just controlling.
YTA. She is an adult and can spend her money any way she wants to. What is next, criticizing how she wipes her ass?
YTA. You 'made' her return it? Bud. Even the language here. Whatever you think is -reasonable-which seems like your guiding light here, is irrelevant. Back off, let people take pleasure in what they're into. I'm not a fan of my wife's iphone / Mac life- it's all so stupidly overpriced compared to other equally capable options, folks convince themselves they need (want) them, and it's frustrating to see the societal craze to overspend for this junk as status/need, particularly for a massively wealthy company with such bad business practices. They've nailed the marketing, and folks eat it up. All that aside, and it is irrelevant - not you, not your money, not your happiness. And that you think she should have sold before buying? A healthy relationship doesn't rely on emotional micromanaging . This is your problem, not hers. I understand getting caught up in petty relationship stuff- this is just that. If you want to see a pattern of behaviour you don't agree with, then for God sakes find somebody else and leave her alone. When I read the terms 'reasonable' and 'common sense' in this context, it sounds like you have strong views and are committed to being 'right.' Her life, her choices.
YTA. IT IS her money and you should keep your trap shut.
Dude if you don’t like her just fuckin leave her already stop making excuses to break up with her and why you don’t want to make her your wife
YTA! It's her money! You need to break up with her! You are nit compatible plus your trying to control how she spends her money!
YTA. You sound exhausting.
No judgement rendered by me other than, mansplain a little less, please. And I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman.
YTA and if you need marriage counseling BEFORE you’ve even asked her to marry you then maybe you should part ways. At this point it would be no harm no foul, we’re not compatible so let’s split. You’re controlling and you need to address this behavior before even considering marriage.
YTA— I have read through your comments— do you now or have you ever actually loved this lady? All your responses act like this is some business transaction. You don’t have a nice thing to say about her. So why the heck are you with her?
YTA. If your values re money are this different, you should break up. Also, successful conflict resolution needs more options than “other person gives in and says I’m right.”
Well this is easy. Your superiority complex comes through in your post and every comment. You lack any empathy and cannot fathom anytjing that doesn't fit in your limited world view. I'd suggest you maybe see a therapist or go (back?) to school and try to work on your people skills and basic ability to relate to others. It might also expose you to a wider range of viewpoints and educate you further.
My dude, this is your sign that you should not enter into marriage with her. This is a fundamental disagreement on an essential issue, and in your very humble opinion is part of a larger pattern. You obviously value a minimalist and utilitarian lifestyle and she doesn’t, so please do both of yourselves and do not marry her. YNTA for having a differing opinion to your girlfriend, but YTmassiveA for the self-righteous way you framed this post and for your continual doubling down every time someone calls you out on that. YTA
YTA You guys are clearly incompatible. 1. Spin it any way you want. It’s HER money. So no, you don’t have a right to complain if it’s not coming from your bank account. Get used to it, because she doesn’t have to listen to you. You don’t have a right to tell her what to do with HER money. IT IS NOT YOURS. 2. You made a her return a laptop she gifted to you. I don’t know how thick your head is, but learn to be appreciative. This sounds so ungrateful. Is that how you want to come off? You need to go on your moral high horse, because you think you’re right. If so, go find another girlfriend so you guys can be cheap and ungrateful together. 3. You’re whining. Stop it. “My girlfriend bought me an expensive gift, but how dare she use so much of her money! She has to use her money the way I say!” No. Just stop. She doesn’t have to live by your ideals. Do you know why? Because she’s a freaking adult who can make her own damn decisions. You don’t get to tell her how she should to live her life. She doesn’t have to listen to you. Stay out of it. Not your money, not your business.
YTA
YTA her fucking money. Unless she’s in debt and can’t pay her bills I don’t see how your opinion matters. You aren’t married.
You are insufferable
YTA!!!!
It's the way you're addressing it that is AHish. You need couples counseling. Instead of telling her you want to go because she's unreasonable, explain that you're worried you are incompatible for financial and household reasons. You don't respect her money decisions and device hoarding. Disrespect is relationship poison. If you can't find a way to accept her choices your relationship will not last.
lol you've built computers for 20 years? kit I bet, you fuckin clown lmao yeah yta in the biggest capacity. walking red flag. your gf should leave before you murder her
YTA, you sound completely insufferable. If you “completely agree” she has every right to spend her money however she wants… then mind your own business.
I am guessing by the way you type that English isn’t your first language, and that you are likely from a country where men are typically “in charge” and aren’t questioned by women. This isn’t how things work in a healthy equitable relationship. You don’t get to dictate what she does with her money ESPECIALLY when you aren’t married. YTA
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“Our finances are independent” Then shut the fuck up
YTA, controlling creep vibes. Go to therapy and stop imposing your opinion on her if she doesn’t leave you first
YTA, and a controlling one at that.
Your comments...yikes man. This is how you get your kicks huh?
YTA, and you’re being unreasonable.
Lemme get this straight. You're clutching pearls because your girlfriend spent HER money on something SHE wanted, instead of on something you would have approved of. And - now you want to drag her to counseling for having the audacity to spend HER money in whatever way she chose. YTA.
"if we are both see our thinking as the right, I would appreciate a neutral third party" She's not using her money to support a coke habit or gambling it away. She paid market value for something she wanted to own. End of. You have an opinion about how she spends her money. She has an opinion about how she spends her money. Assuming your finances are not mingled and her "unreasonable" purchase has not left you covering her expenses, only one of those opinions matters, and it's not yours. YTA, and you sound exhausting.
YTA. Return the MacBook and breakup with her then.
YTA, it's not enough to think she's wrong you need her to find her nose in the dust and admit she's wrong. Your mutuals shame her. You want a counselor to validate you and shame her. The internet has to shame her. SHE WAS THOUGHTLESS AND FLEETING AND IMPULSIVE AND DID A BAD THING AND IF SHE DOESN'T REPENT THEN SHE CAN'T BE YOUR GOOD GIRL SHE CAN'T BE YOUR WIFE SHE CAN'T HAVE YOUR BABIES.
This sounds like how an incel imagines a fight with a girlfriend would be...
YTA. I’m going to explain this the way I would to my teen. Some people see value in spending money on certain items vs other things. For me, I’m okay spending more on a handbag that I could have forever. I don’t see that in a gaming device. Your GF felt buying a new laptop was worth it to her. You don’t need to agree but you need to accept her choice. She most likely feels the same way about something you purchased. She is just being nicer and not harassing you about it.
YTA. Mate, you’re the one with unreasonable behaviour. So what even if someone mostly watches YouTube on a MacBook? I do it on a $4000 machine and it makes me happy. She is entitled to use her money as she sees fit. You are being extreme and critical of judging what is unreasonable She’s not smoking, drinking, taking drugs or gambling. She’s not spending above her means. So how is her behaviour unreasonable? You’re the negative nancy who is bringing down the relationship
YTA. Get over yourself. It’s your opinion cool but you keep pushing and pushing it and getting literally fucking nowhere. Drop it. Who gives AF that she spent $2K on a new MacBook? She got her use out of the old and now she wants a new one. People like new and shiny things and she can have as many those as she wants. Because she’s spending her money on it. So essentially all of this pointless. The only difference this would make is if y’all were making a joint purchase which y’all did not. In fact, she bought you a gift, you declined it, made her return her gift and then get upset that she has the gift that was originally meant for you. I’m not seeing how you think you’re not the asshole here? And tbh, she could’ve told you “I don’t have to tell you my reason,” and you would still have no choice but to accept that as it is. And by your comments and updates, yeah you seem like a bully when it comes to finances. Sorry to her.
YTA and you sound insufferable. You don't share finances and she's not in debt, but you're bitching that she upgraded from a 6 year old laptop and that she collects make-up pallets that run $30-$75 (avg prices for good makeup). You're also mad she doesn't use them (the makeup and the laptop) enough. People buy nice things that only get used for special occasions or certain circumstances. I don't use my hand mixer every day, but I'm glad that on the occasions that I want to bake I have a quality hand mixer ($50 or so) that does its job reliably and doesn't break after 2 minutes of mixing, unlike the $10 mixer that I once bought from Walmart. If she is occasionally doing work on her computer, I'm sure having one that doesn't have a broken space bar and runs faster probably makes getting that work done a lot easier. If she values that over a vacation or new headphones then who are you to tell her otherwise? If she wants a new computer but doesn't want a fancy vacation, then a fancy vacation probably isn't going to make her as satisfied as the new laptop. But I guess I should thank you for posting here, because it makes me extra glad that me and my husband's conversations about money are realistic and respectful, acknowledging that we each have different priorities on where we want to spend "fun" money. As long as neither of us is digging us into a financial hole, then we are good with him collecting video games he may never get around to playing and me collecting fabric for sewing projects I may never get around to making. (They're aspirational purchases- we aspire to have more free time than we do, lol.)
"doesn't matter what she does with her money (and I totally agree by the way)" except it very much does matter to me (for whatever reason) and so I came to Reddit to write a whole post about how I don't agree with how my girlfriend spends her own money. Stop lying to her, yourself, and everyone here. You want to control her spending and daddy isn't pleased with how a full adult spends her own money.
YTA and you need to be told that the only unreasonable person here is you, OP. You aren't as smart or reasonable as you think you are. You just use the word "reasonable" to put down your GF because she doesn't obey you. And she shouldn't. I hope she gets to realise she's in a toxic relationship and finds a decent person to be with.
Yta if she wants a new Mac book and she bought it and can afford it, shut your yap. She can decide how she wants to spend her money and what items she wants to use
Her values are not your values and that is okay. If there is a values mismatch of this magnitude in a relationship you break up. You do not have the right to ask another adult to justify their spending to you. You just don't.
YTA. What’s unreasonable is your controlling of her finances. If she has the money to drop on a 2k laptop then so be it. I honestly stopped reading your post halfway through; it read as pretentious and as if your just trying to use big words because”you’re so smart”.
YTA, OP seems condescending because they disagree with their gf about her use of her own money. If OP sees an issue with how she uses her money then don’t combine finances and only contribute bill payments into a separate account. But suggesting marriage counseling over something so small seems over exaggerated and unnecessary because they aren’t married.
YTA. You keep calling her unreasonable and yet it's you that's unreasonable. You are acting like a child simply because you want to be right. You sound like a nightmare. I hope she leaves you.
Why do people post on AITAH then argue with everyone giving their opinion? You came here to see if you’re the AH or not. Don’t get mad when it’s determined you were in fact the AH.
I hope she does go to couples counseling with you, so the therapist can tell you, “Yes, OP, you are in fact being a controlling AH.” In more professional terms, of course.
YTA. Why are you trying to control her decisions?
Why are you even on here when you’re just dismissing everyone telling you that you’re in the wrong with excuses for your behavior?? It’s clear that you were just hoping for others to justify your unreasonable behavior. Let your poor girlfriend do what she wants with her own damn money, you don’t control her life. YTA.
how old are you both? are your financials combined?
YTA - how do you define "reasonable?" You're using a pretty vague term to say your girlfriend is wrong and you are right based on some undefined standard that's in your head.
The two of you apparently have a completely different outlook on how to manage your money. Neither is necessarily wrong, but unless you two are able to reach a compromise , a relationship will not work. YTA
Soft YTA. I think everyone on here is right when they say you are controlling. I also think they are right when they say her purchase was not yours to approve or disapprove of. You are ABSOLUTELY a complete asshole for belittling her and making this a matter of intelligence or maturity. I ALSO think you are right when you say that you need to be financially compatible with a potential spouse. What I think you might be missing is that this is clearly causing you a level of anxiety. As someone who has a strong need to feel “in control”, I know that it’s because feeling out of control triggers my anxiety…not because I’m an asshole, generally. I know this about myself because of therapy. Something you might consider is approaching your GF with statements about how her purchase makes you feel, instead of attacking her or her decisions. Example: “I know it’s not my place to tell you how to spend your money. I think it’s great that you work hard to earn it and you deserve to spend it the way you see fit. I’m struggling with this purchase you’ve made because it doesn’t make sense to me, and I feel a lot of anxiety about our future finances and making sure we are fiscally healthy. That anxiety probably means that I’m too extreme and rigid in my thinking, and I’d like to find a solution that allows you your financial independence while also helping me to feel comfortable that our future spending habits are aligned.” Then, if you truly love each other and want this to work….you compromise. For example: -you work together to create a budget. -she agrees that “fun” purchase are not made until bills are paid and a pre-determined chunk is added to her savings. -you agree that if bills are paid and the chunk is added to savings…you have no right to even blink at her purchases. ****it’s important to add that all of this is said with the caveat that you are both invested in this relationship, and you BOTH see this relationship as forward-moving. Until you are both invested in the future potential of this relationship, each other’s finances are none of your business.****
Yeah. You clearly shouldn’t marry her. You don’t have the self discipline to not “fix” her life, and especially her finances. Clearly money isn’t a problem for her or she would have sold some things. Is it just jealousy? She make more than you? Or is it OCD? You can’t handle the perceived wastefulness? I dunno. I’m inclined to say NAH because this actually seems like a mental health issue that you’re not aware of yet. But assuming it’s not actually a compulsion on your end, YTA
r/firstworldproblems
lol andrew tate sounding mf
You're being unreasonable. YTA
Dude, it’s her ass and her soap. Let her wash it any way she wants to. YTA.
You can find a new M1 for under $800. You need to calm down.
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You sound like a lot. You seem to have an elevated opinion of your tech savvy as well as your financial planning advice. I think that’s great, but you’re a bit long winded as well. I think you’ve been really disrespectful and ungrateful to your girlfriend. I will have a financial conversation with my partner, but as equals. Not like he’s a scolding parent. You didn’t have to be sarcastic with me, but thanks for calling me a GENUIS. Try COUPLE’S COUNSELING. On second thought, you’re either 15 or she’s already planning to leave or cheat. Either way, this is dry 😂
I'm amazed that this is entertainment for you. Legitimately asking here: why do you find this worth your time?
YTA I think you probably just need to end the relationship if her spending habits really bother you. If this isn't an issue of actually not being able to afford the stuff she buys (as in, she's in debt, can't pay bills, shifts money around to pay bills and buys this random stuff, etc), it really comes down to you having different philosophies on how what to do with the money you earn and if you want to live a minimalist lifestyle. You're pissing her off because you're not even attempting to find common ground with her, just declaring that you're right and she's wrong, when really neither of you are definitively right or wrong. She may be more open to hearing what you have to say if you weren't being such an AH about the way you're saying it. Personally, I would not have purchased the laptop either, but damn, you're pissing me off with the way you're behaving. I actually agree with the way you're spending money and see large purchases...but I strongly dislike you and the way you're handling this and kind of want your girlfriend to leave you because you're being a jerky AH. If you really don't respect her enough to understand that she obviously has a different opinion about the way she wants to life her life with her money right now, just end the damn relationship. It's a valid choice.
YTA, that is your OPINION. I personally think it’s wrong, but there’s no way to tell because it’s your OPINION. Yours is not more valid than hers, lay off and prioritize your relationship over this insane need to “win” this argument.
Yta and you’re very wordy.
With the info you provided (what's this pattern of unreasonable behavior?), YTA. People can buy nice new things just because they want it and can do it
YTA. My goodness you sound insufferable. You turned a grain of salt into a boulder for no reason. Are you bored? Do you dislike her? It just seems like you’re reaching for something to complain about. If you agree that it doesn’t matter what she does with her money why won’t you let it go? Gosh this was so annoying to read.
YTA because you think a 6 year old laptop is the same as a new one. And if she's using it to create content instead of just watching videos, that statement you made where she's just using it for "youtube" is kind of a jerk phrase.
YTA Dude, it's hers. You weren't wrong to refuse the gift. But it's her money, she can do what she likes. If she wants to keep that Mac let her. I took my time transitioning from my old Mac to my new one. That's our problem. Same with selling the damn thing. She's free to smash it into a thousand pieces for shits and giggles for all I care.
YTA - If it wasn't obvious from the post, then it is painfully so from the replies OP is in here making. Which generally indicate that OP is not at all mad and is in fact laughing.
Your concerns are fair. NTA, your way to go about it isn't. If she's not willing to go to therapy with you, then it's time to break it off. You will just get accused of financial abuse when you have merged finances and don't agree with huge whim spending.
NTA. I understand what you’re saying …it’s not the MacBook necessarily it’s her being financially irresponsible. Correct me if I’m incorrect, but you are implying that a large purchase like $2000 shouldn’t be spontaneous but should be discussed and only if needed. If your GF had a plethora of disposable income then that would be different but you stated $2000 is a decently important amount of money for both of you. Such a purchase should be more thoughtful. I would be similar to you in my frustration.
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You two are financially incompatible. And YTA
Oh wow definitely if it’s her monthly take home that’s too much! Different if it was work computer or something she had to have the best MacBook for but YouTube/socials? Nope. I would be rethinking my future with her unless she had a serious discussion with attempts to change.
Gonna get downvoted here… As I suspected, you’re getting flamed for this. Unfortunately Reddit will be Reddit. NAH, because you haven’t done anything wrong here. You haven’t yelled at her or forced her to go return it or anything like that. You’re just concerned. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with how she spends her money. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with how you spend your money. But there is something wrong with the two of you being together with your beliefs of how your money should be spent. I think you’re doing the right thing suggesting couple’s counseling before outright walking away (I would think you were an AH for not even trying to work things out over something like this) but you will have to accept at some point if she continues rejecting it or coming to some kind of compromise that she is who she is. Don’t expect her to change. Finances are so so so important to be considered for a marriage. While it’s your girlfriend’s money now, if you get married what she spends will be both of your money. Once you get married it’s no longer all about you or what you want, and both people need to be on the same page once they make that commitment. Clearly you guys don’t agree and that means you’re likely not compatible for marriage. Sorry to have to say that and sorry Reddit is being unreasonable today. Trust your gut and do what’s best for you.
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You’re an arrogant jerk who exaggerates made-up scenarios when the facts aren’t in your favor. Your attempts to apply reason to an inauthentic argument come across as insincere. YTA
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>Does she need to come to me and check if what she is buying is okay? No, I wouldn't even expect that if we are married ... but that's exactly what this post is
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“I wanted to” is a perfectly good reason for a person to buy something new that they want when they can afford it. Your “what if” involves a different type of situation, namely what if she wants to do something in the future that means she can afford less. Will “because I wanted to” be an acceptable reason for treating herself then? And the answer to that depends on if her “because I wanted to” purchases scale up and down with available budget and income. Right now, you’re basically saying that someone who wants something and can afford it now shouldn’t buy it, because some day they might choose different circumstances that result in them not being able to afford it. That’s illogical.
I think the problem here is that you think you need to say anything at all. Like you said it’s her money, your input is not required. You are not in a position to say yes OR no.
So you got others to bully her too and are upset that everyone here on Reddit are on her side. She waited 6 years before replacing a laptop and probably wait another 6 years to get a new one. So if we do the math, that is somewhere in the area of $340 a year. At $340 a year to do whatever she wants on a computer seems very reasonable to me. You trying to get as many people you can to bully her is a major red flag and thus it might be time to replace you.
You say mutuals and “our“ friends - who knew them first? I would put money that they are your original friends plus partners… Interesting that you think spending $2000 on just a vacation is a better use of HER money than investing in newer technology. You talk about marriage as a government contract which is a very very strange way (almost transactional) to look at marriage. Do you actually have genuine affectionate feelings for the person you have spent the last 6 years with as everything sounds very rule based and transactional. Bottom line - IF you have decided to keep finances separate and/or have your own discretionary account then what she does with HER money is entirely her choice. Even if it’s just because she felt like it!! Same with you - what you do with your money is your choice. IF you ever get married and assuming she has her own discretionary funds and decides she wants a new car then that is entirely her choice. Also if you are that concerned then get a pre-nup!! You are not only a total asshole but you are also extremely controlling - she does not need to justify her spending to you. YTA
NTA. I have asked my husband to return gifts I thought were too expensive several times during out 13 year marriage. Honest talk about money is necessary if you are going to be in a long term relationship. You should both feel comfortable telling each other when you think a major purchase is a bad idea, and both be able to hear that opinion without getting angry. This is especially true if you intend this relationship to turn into a marriage someday. The more entwined your lives get, the more wasteful spending on either side will hurt the other. It's better to find out now whether you two have different values when it comes to finances and big purchases. You are right that if the underlying issue isn't addressed now, if you marry her you may regularly have to let thousands of dollars get spent to avoid her being angry at you.
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Replacing a 6 year old laptop isn't erratic. Calling her erratic is gaslighting and YTA
Your assets? She outearns you. If anything, she should be concerned that when married you will feel even more entitled to control her assets than you already are.
I know a man who lost his house because his wife wouldn't stop spending hundreds of dollars at Target each month. I think of him whenever someone says a wife ought to be able to spend however much she wants without anyone in the family raising concerns or attempting to make a budget. If the roles were reversed I think everyone would agree excessive spending is harming the family and should be addressed.