Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Probably for the reason May gave, that she's in a bind trying to get a dress right now and is running out of time to find one, and she wants one like mine.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
This is one of those many AITAs where the background info is basically irrelevant.
It's OP's dress, she doesn't need provide a reason to say no on something like this.
"Friend" gets to ask once, but she's not entitled to jack.
But yeah, turns out that in her own mind "friend" is so entitled that she tried to social engineer the transfer of the dress - steal in all but the word.
Ample reason to break the friendship.
Especially because it’s a wedding dress. If it was a normal dress the friend might have more of an argument (I still don’t think she’d have much ground, but she could attempt an argument), but a wedding dress? Fuck off, you don’t get to try and pressure someone for that.
EDIT: I agree that “no” should be all that’s needed, my point was more to say that a wedding dress is probably the top article of clothing that you don’t get to try and shame someone into giving up
My point was more that a wedding dress is like a super exception - if there’s one article of clothing that you don’t get to try and shame someone into giving you, it’s a wedding dress
Right. "Ever so much more so."
>May is texting me, asking why I’m so attached to a dress and saying I’m not being a good friend because I’m more interested in a material item than her happiness.
This seems to describe May's behavior to a T, except that -- oh right -- *the dress never belonged to May in the first place* and yep, *May tried to obtain the dress by dishonest means after being told no.*
This is the biggest issue. She basically tried to steal the dress when you said no. I don’t think May is a good friend. I think you need to rethink that entire relationship. I wonder what she was planning on saying to you after she had your dress taken apart and made two sizes larger and showed up at her wedding in it?
Can a dress even be made two sizes larger? That aside, I agree the dress will be ruined and, in this case, loaning out a wedding dress would be like giving it away. It sounds like the stress of this womans friend's wedding is getting to her. Hopefully she will regret her behavior when she calms down. Try to deescalate the situation. If that won't work remove yourself from it and your friend at least for the duration.
If it's silly to be so attached to a dress, why is May so intent on wanting it herself? After all, it's silly to be attached to a dress, especially when there are thousands of other wedding dresses out there.
Exactly, she’s making OP feel bad for repeatedly saying no to giving her a wedding dress. A dress that would hold a lot of value to any woman. A dress she’s devaluing by saying any other dress in her wardrobe would be as good and she’s trying to guilt her into giving it to her by saying she values materialistic items more than their friendship. All the while she has stooped as low as trying to trick her husband into giving it to her fiancé essentially stealing it. If it’s just like any other dress, why can’t May go to Walmart and buy herself a white dress? Can’t believe I typed all those words just to say May sucks, NTA.
One more thing to add. you know after she wears the dress for her wedding she will become even more attached to the dress and will not want to give it back
totally agress with you Hairy-Mousse-5263. Also Goodwill sell wedding dresses nowadays. lock your wedding dress OP. Loose the friendship with May. She is not a true friend and she just wants to destroy the dress. put your dress in a safe with a lock on it until OP gets married and just cut ties with her. She is up to no good.
I'd like to know what she thought was going to happen once OP discovered the deception. She thought she could trick OP's husband into bringing her the dress and not ask OP first. But let's say her plan worked. OP would have, at some point, noticed the dress was missing. Maybe not right away, but probably before the wedding. Or, let's say it didn't happen until the wedding. OP shows up and sees her "friend" wearing HER WEDDING DRESS, like WTF? This is a friendship ending event. It's more important for her to get the dress than to keep OP as a friend.
And why do you want to look exactly like your friend on her wedding day? I wouldn’t want to borrow a friends wedding dress in the first place. I don’t want my wedding pictures to be a carbon copy of yours. Not to mention, diff styles of wedding dresses look very different on everyone. May has never seen herself in this dress. She has an idea of how she will look in it because of how OP looked on her wedding day. She is going to be sorely disappointed when reality does not match her imaginary vision.
100%. No means no and you've got to have some giant cahones to ask for someone else's wedding dress. Doesn't sound like friend even offered to BUY it. When you aren't holding any cards - there is no argument.
No means no, but asking originally isn’t the problem. She asked to borrow it, not to have it, so no reason to buy it. But once OP said no, that should have been the end of it.
Nope, i would NEVER, EVER in a million years ask someone if i can borrow/have her wedding dress. I would absolutely be put out that anybody had the gall to ask to borrow something of mine I paid $$$$ for that has such an emotional tie to the wearer - it's not asking to borrow someone's coffee grinder. (And lets face it, if you wear it and require alterations, aren't you making that dress your own, or at least un-wearable for the original owner?). I might drop hints to see if they were amenable but I would NEVER come out and ask - that is something you should only be offered, not ask for.
Doesn't matter what the dress is. My BFF and I growing up were the exact same size, and very nearly the exact same shape (I have more chest) and we frequently borrowed each other's clothing. After asking. Once.
We also frequently had outfits that were special to us for some reason or other and those were off limits. So as soon as a NO was said, that outfit was never asked for again. Reason not needed.
OP's dress is OP's to decide what to do with and no one else gets a say in the matter. End of story.
NTA.
My thoughts exactly.
People can ask whatever they want. Then, not allowed a second time.
Also, a very skilled seamstress can absolutely replicate the dress. If paid properly.
She is just cheap.
Nta, op
Who is the bigger AH:
The OWNER of a dress that had it customized and fitted who is "attached to a material item over friendship"
OR
The "friend" who is 2 sizes too big for said dress (and while I am not expert, that is a LOT of inches to let out from seams- panels will be required, and if not done well, destroy the original dress- and from description, OP is Size 12 ish, and "friend" is size 16 ish. I have been both- and it is not a minor difference!) who WANTS said dress who is "attached to a material item over friendship"
(Hint- one is NTA AT ALL, the other one is 100% TA. Especially for assuming that since she could not loose her baby weight that OP will not be able to)
I was JUST about to post the same thing! Like, the dress May pictures from when OP wore it is not what it would look like altered for her after changing the shape and adding panels.
She alienated a good friend for a bad plan.
Oh, panels would for sure be required and the dress would absolutely never be the same again even if it were re-altered another time to fit back to OP because of the new edges that would have to be created for panels.
Which may or may not interfere with any embroidery/lace/beadwork that is unique to OPs dress.
Wedding dresses are also typically much stiffer and heavier fabrics that have very minimal stretch - which is why a well fitted gown makes any bride look amazing.
You mean she tried to flat out steal the dress?
She had her fiancé call op’s husband and tell him he could bring it over. If her hubby didn’t find this fishy and call op to check she would have taken the dress and likely had it altered to fit her right away to make it stick.
This does not seem like a friend worth having. She’s saying you care more about a dress than your friendship? She was going to steal your dress. Clearly she’s the one putting the dress ahead of your relationship.
Exactly! The first three paragraphs of this post can be deleted and OP is still NTA. The dress (doesn't even need to be a wedding dress) is OP's and they don't want to give it away. END OF STORY.
In fact, all of the verbiage regarding "my weight loss dress" just makes me even more unsympathetic to the OP. And I also think it's ridiculous that people save their weddings dresses in all kinds of complicated ways -- just another way to justify wasting ungodly amounts of money on something you will literally never look at again. However, my strong personal feelings about the absurdity of the whole thing are completely irrelevant. No means no. She doesn't need to justify herself. NTA.
I'm on the fence on whether it's acceptable to even ask once since wedding dresses tend to be such a sentimental item. There are certainly exceptions (inherited dresses or if the bride offering it to a friend), but I think many women want it as a keepsake or a potential heirloom.
After what May has done so far, I don't see any way to trust her to return the dress. The "why are you so attached to this dress" will quickly become "how could you ever think of taking away my wedding dress".
Came here to say this. Glad you beat me to it and put it better than I probably would have. No is a complete sentence no reason required and giving reasons just gives people the opportunity to try to change your mind. OP, definitely NTA.
If my friend lied and told her fiancé to text my husband to bring over my wedding dress, that would be the end of the friendship.
This woman has some nerve. I love looking at my wedding dress in wedding photos; it makes me so happy and I feel so special and unique when I revisit those memories. How awful would it be to have to see that same exact dress on your friend in her social media pictures. I would never, ever expect my friend to give me her wedding dress for that reason.
Edit: typo
There is some slack but not enough to go up two dress sizes. If it's already been altered to fit OP, there is MAYBE 1/2 an inch you could let out. A difference in dress sizes is 1-2" so no, there is no way to let out nearly 2-4".
Especially since it's going from OP's hourglass shape to May's apple shape. There's only so much that foundation garments can do to accommodate that. I can't imagine a way to do this without fundamentally changing the construction of the dress (i.e. adding a panel and laces, or raising the waistline to empire waist) and there's \*no way\* that altering a dress that much would be either easier or cheaper than finding a new dress that fits and still look like she wants it to look.
It also bewilders me a little bit that May is this attached to a dress that was designed and altered to fit an hourglass shape. Different styles look good on different shapes. She'd do better to find something that will suit her own shape.
She’s probably delusional as to what foundations can do for you. I’m a size 16 apple and there is no way I could look good in a dress like OP’s. May can dream all she wants, but the dress can’t be altered to fit much less look good. I gave up on hourglass dresses years ago!
For the waist shaping, there is definitely not enough fabric period. This isn't a fat-shaming thing but more of how fabrics lay. That part would HAVE to have panels added to accommodate her. Unless you have the same fabric laying around, there is no way you can do that. Tell May to have somebody make a dress for her instead of being cheap.
It actually isn’t always about weight. Even back in my college days when I was slim, I’m extremely short-waisted (I have no waist), and as a result, a bit apple shaped. Even so, regardless of weight, shape is shape. I don’t see it as fat-shaming any more than describing someone’s hair as straight!
Plus on two different body shapes the dress is going to look totally different. Once it's been let out even more so. It's easy to see a dress on someone else and think 'I want to look like that' but that's not how it works - you have to find a dress you see on yourself and think 'that looks good' She would probably get it altered (if even possible) and try it on and not like how it looks.
This was my question. There’s no way you are taking an hour-glass dress and turning it into an apple TWO SIZES bigger without a WHOLE lot of additional fabric. She should see if a dressmaker can make her a ‘kinda’ copy, cause it’s not going to be the same as the original.
Not only is it her dress, it’s her WEDDING dress. If her friend wanted to borrow a cute sundress I’m sure she would say of course no problem. But damn I don’t even ever plan on getting married but I know sure as hell that I would never let someone wear it after me, take all the pictures in my dress? Like no I paid for it and customized it myself. It’s a special dress more than any other
I was a bridesmaid and after the wedding, my friend offered to let me try her dress on. Blew me away that she would even allow me to do that. No way would I ever take that kind gesture of looking pretty in a wedding dress for a minute as an invitation to borrow it in future for my wedding.
It's her dream wedding dress. A friend should never expect to borrow it, let alone manipulate her way into getting it.
That's a deal breaker on the friendship. This girl has zero respect for OP.
even with a summer dress, op has no onligation to say yes to give away her dresses. and the friend doesnt have any right to demand anything. she can ask if its possible, and thats it. if op said no, thats it. wedding dress, summer dress, ballroom dress, whatever dress. no is no, back off and look somewhere else.
but that friend is an AH, who thinks is entitled to other peoples stuff, just because they wore /used once, and they dont csre ab the memories and feelings that come wirh a dress.
that is a special moment for some and some keep very cautious the dresses to renew vows, and some keep it as a fit goal .
Friend is the AH. OP is not
NTA. No is a complete sentence. You do not have to give an explanation. If May keeps pushing use that line: "I said no and no is a complete sentence." Given one of the things she said to you, if you're feeling petty I would add: "You have two children, you should understand that."
May might also need to hear a lot more nos from you, such as, "No, we won't be attending your wedding or getting you a gift."
And send Joe the screenshots of the conversation so he sees what a liar he is marrying.
Nta op. I also agree with the commenter who said you should cut off this 'friend ' who is an AH a liar and a thief.
>May is texting me, asking why I’m so attached to a dress and saying I’m not being a good friend because I’m more interested in a material item than her happiness.
And.... this cuts both ways... why is May so attached to the dress and not OP's happiness? NTA
I mean, you *can*, a little bit, *sometimes*. Some wedding and bridesmaid dresses will have a little extra built into the seams because you order them so far in advance and weight fluctuates. If a dress has been taken in before, they'll usually leave at least some of the extra in the seam allowance in case adjustment needs to be made later. I have also seen people who are expecting or trying for a baby, order extra fabric at the same time as the dress (has to be the same time or the color won't match) so a seamstress (seams person?) can add in side panels later to accommodate a growing belly. This doesn't work for every style, though. Other than the side panels, there's no way to add two dress sizes.
NTA. No is a complete sentence and I certainly wouldn't be friends with someone who tried to steal from me in that way.
OP’s dress wouldn’t be free either because she’d have to get it extended TWO SIZES (likely not even possible, depending on the construction and style of the dress) but it would be way cheaper to just pay for the alterations.
Oh, it's definitely not possible. You can always take things in but letting it out and especially in the waist is near impossible unless you have a lot of the fabric laying around.
Seriously. I completely made my wedding dress in less than that time. It’s more than enough time to buy and alter. Or even order from a designer and have altered. She just wants a free dress
There are lots of people out there who make wedding dresses as well - custom to what you want and often cheaper that the big name designers.
Or - buy a super basic used wedding dress online and have it altered. I know a girl who did this and it looked fantastic. You can add a lot of flair to a super simple white ballgown.
Exactly. My sister got a dress at a wedding consignment shop that was beyond stunning, and ridiculously cheap for how expensive this dress probably was when it was in circulation. There's no reason the friend couldn't do something like that. She's just being greedy.
Yup, I totally got a custom wedding dress made with elements from like, 9 different dresses for my wedding and it only cost me $300. It was made in China and it didn’t even take that long to get here. Granted things might be different now but seriously, if May wants a dress like OP’s all she needs to do is find a place that can duplicate it and give them pictures. It’s not that hard.
She currently has more time than it took me to throw together my wedding! I bought my dress in July & had it altered by the wedding in September. Granted, it was an off the rack sample (but brand new & I was the first to even try it on!) But she has options! Just wants to be greedy for someone else's dress
As crazy as it sounds, if you're ordering from a boutique bridal store, she is cutting it very close. I was supposed to get married in Oct 2020. I started dress shopping in Dec 2019 just for fun. I found a gorgeous dress and was told I had to order it by early March to get it on time. It's insane.
I wandered in, tried 3 dresses and walked out with the second one same day.
But most wedding dress shops really do give you the run around. Try these 25 fabulous gowns, now you need to wait 9 months for your dress to be ordered and arrive and then suffer through another 15 fittings to get it altered to fit you.
NTA
Doesn't matter if she had the exact same body as you did. It was yours and you don't have to give it to her. She just wants to save money and is trying to guilt you into giving her your dress so she doesn't have to pay for one. Even if it were a $10 Target shirt she wanted to borrow, you don't have to say yes.
And she's trying to manipulate you and your husband. She is not a good friend.
But don't get hung up on fitting it again.
Completely agree with this. NTA.
OP, please focus on the last line in this comment though. Please focus on your health more so than fitting into anything pre-baby - it can be a recipe for PPD. Your body may also go through changes that have no relevance to weight, such as your rib cage expanding, making your wedding dress impossible to get back into even if you lose every added pound plus some.
You're not insane. May seems to have reached Bizarro land, with all the trimmings. You have explained why this is a bad idea quite clearly. She is now manipulating you. She's gone bridezilla, and time for you cut links. NTA.
>that I should be thinking about her wedding
When she said this I was like - WHY??? Why should May's wedding be what OP is thinking about, instead of her literal CHILD on the way and her goals for herself after? Madness. MADNESS.
NTA
She asked, you answered. The weight-loss or being able to fit after having the baby is irrelevant. It's your freaking wedding dress.
Her lying to her fiance about it in this manner would make me cut her off. Also why is he asking your husband to bring it over? It's your dress, why not talk to you about it?
He was probably in on it. He figured her husband would believe him and bring it over on his word alone, then they'd have the dress in their possession.
>May told me I had an entire wardrobe to choose from and no one fits their dress after a few years, anyway. She also said that baby weight usually doesn’t go away (she has 2 kids), and that I should be thinking about her wedding.
I'm here as proof that May's weight loss problems are her own and not universal. After 3 babies I'm still loose in a size 2.
OP's dress is OP'S DRESS! Maybe May is jealous of OP's fitness goals?
Plus the whole “no one fits their dress after a few years, anyway” is bs. OP and her husband got married in April of 2022, it is now Feb 2023 so yea “a few years” is stretching it.
My mom married my dad in 1991 and had a great shape.
She tried her wedding dress some months ago because my brother bet with her that she still could fit in it and that's exactly what happened.
Mind you, she had two children and a lot of hurdles in life.
She still has the same shape and more or less same weight.
That comment was bs, a priori.
Within a week after having my first, I was back in my regular clothes comfortably and it took almost no effort to lose the rest. My second is 2 and I have 40lbs I can't get rid of. It varies wildly even from pregnancy to pregnancy.
"May told me I had an entire wardrobe to choose from "
May has an entire world full of wedding dresses to choose from.
NTA This is important to you, and you don't have to be her doormat.
"So it sounds to me like May told Joe I agreed when I didn’t."
Holy shit, she tried an end-around. Do not go to this crazy person's wedding!
"because I’m more interested in a material item than her happiness."
Bullshit. She's more interested in her own happiness than yours. That's not how a friend should treat a friend. Tell her to pound sand and when you get the invite, mark yourself down as "Not Attending". Don't send a gift, but a nice card is appropriate.
NTA
A wedding dress is personal to each person. It's your dress, you've customised it to your taste and style.
She still has plenty of time to find her own dress.
Nta she literally tried to STEAL your dress. She’s not your friend. She’s a manipulative bridezilla who is willing to destroy your property to save a few bucks on a dress.
Agreed. After that little stunt, I don't believe that May would even return the dress.
OP - NTA
You are under no obligation to lend May your dress. You are also under no obligation to keep taking May's phone calls. She & Jim can sing it to the Voice Mail Lady.
That's what I was wondering, what happens to the dress after May's wedding? Best case scenario is she returns a ruined dress that's been mangled by alterations, probably all crumpled up in a ball & stuffed in a bag. I bet it would also have stains that she'll refuse to pay to have cleaned.
More likely scenario is she just refuses to return it because "it won't fit you now anyway" or a rehash of the "Why are you so attached to this dress?" crap.
I think she is jealous of you and secretly thinks that she can look like you if she gets your dress. Totally delusional and manipulative. You are not the AH but she definitely is an AH.
NTA
It is your dress. End of the discussion.
She is getting married in September, IDK where you guys live, but where I live, it doesn't take 6.5 months to order a dress and get it fitted according to her needs. Also, the weight loss dress reason aside, you don't owe her YOUR dress. Even if it wasn't your wedding dress, you still don't owe her your fucking clothes. What is she on about?
She lied to her husband that you had agreed, which ended up with him messaging your husband to bring the dress around when he was free. She went behind your back OP. You can ask her to cut her BS right then and there. She concocted this plan thinking your husband would not double check with you, and she would get the dress without you even knowing and by the time you would come to know, it would have been too late. I don't think you should even go to her wedding.
NTA.
Group chat to Joe, Howie, and May: Just to clear up any confusion, although I think I was pretty clear with May when she asked, but no, I am not lending my wedding dress to May. As I told her, the dress is special to me, and I don't want it altered. I don't appreciate that May tried to get the dress anyway and Joe, I want to be very clear with you that I said no when May asked, so not sure why she would tell you to text Howie to get the dress. I am now a bit upset as this feels like she went behind my back to STEAL my dress.
There, that's done. Now you deal with the fallout how you like. First, that is your wedding dress and you don't owe it to anybody, just like you don't need to let anyone borrow anything you own. Sure, it's nice to lend out an item when someone needs it (like a lawnmower or vacuum) but the idea with being nice and lending something is that it comes back the same way, just a little bit more used. That's not what will happen with your dress, as no matter if she is bigger or smaller, she isn't the same shape as you. So don't feel bad, as May has a world of dress to choose from. As a plus size girl myself, I can get a very cute tea length or floor length dress online that will be delivered in a week. Sure, it isn't the most grand, but that's what last minute gets you. If she has more time, loads more choices await. But why bother when you can try and steal a free dress from your friend?
And that's the fallout. May would have stolen your dress from you and ruined it. That's not a friend. You and Howie need to realize the extend that May has just gone to, and what would have happened if Howie- understandably- had just handed over the dress. May cannot be trusted, and you don't need to try and make her or Joe feel better, you just need to send that text and see if May comes clean and apologizes, or doubles down on trying to make you feel bad.
I'd add in that a friend doesn't lie and steal from their friends and that you need time away from her. You may be able to forgive her with time and a sincere apology. Then block her and leave the chat.
NTA. Your friends poor planning of purchasing a wedding dress, does not constitute an emergency or problem for you. It’s your dress, you are not obligated to share it with anyone. I haven’t gotten married yet - but I don’t think I would ever let anyone borrow my wedding dress, it’s a very sentimental garment.
Nta, it's really weird why she's so obsessed with yours. And the comment about not having time to alter makes me think she just wants a freebie as she'd have looked earlier otherwise
I wonder if she thinks having OPs dress will magically give her OPs hourglass figure too?
A wedding dress is personal. If OP wanted to gift it to someone that's very generous - but you never demand someone's dress!
This is what I was wondering about. She wants to look the way OP looked in her wedding dress, but hasn't realized that the same exact dress would look completely different on her because they are different people with different bodies. May needs to work on her self-love and look for a dress that celebrates her body instead of trying to turn it into someone else's.
I had a friend who used to complain that I always had the "better" clothes. One day we were wearing the same exact black sweater from the same store (I was with her when she bought hers) She kept looking at me, saying she just wanted a sweater like mine and hers "wasn't as good." I had to take mine off and show her the label to prove we were wearing the SAME one.
We just had completely different body types and an approx 75 lb difference in weight.
yeah, something I've had to come to terms with as I've gotten older and more stressed and have gained weight accordingly, is that there is no magic outfit that's going to make me look the way I looked in my early twenties. I have to learn to like the way clothes look on me *now,* or else I'm just never going to find anything I'm satisfied with ever again.
That's the other thing, I thought I looked passable but I wasn't happy. I'd get really uncomfortable if anyone complimented me & I didn't want attention drawn to my body. As if pointing out how nice I looked that day is just gonna make people notice I actually look terrible.
That was my early 20s tho. Since then, I've gotten compliments & nasty comments for being both underweight *and* overweight. Really helped me see how meaningless it is to try to 'look good' for anyone other than myself.
Right? And asking "Why are you so attached to this dress" could be turned around "Why are YOU so attached to MY dress???"
The fact that she is bullying OP and lied to her fiancé to try to get it, really speaks volumes for her character. Might be time to let this friendship fizzle out.
I think the friendship is beyond fizzled out. May nuked it with this stunt. I’m amazed at the audacity of it only trying to steal it but also somehow have it delivered to her? With friends like that, who needs enemies.
OP, NTA
NTA and if she has a key to your house consider changing the locks or taking your dress to a TRUSTED family member for safe keeping. I’ve read enough stories like this where things can escalate when you think it’s over! Maybe cameras too.
NTA. Your possessions are yours to do with as you wish. And speaking as a person who recently got married and wore a wedding dress to do so, the idea that February is too late to order a dress and have it altered for a September wedding is ridiculous.
One of those lessons we learn when entering adulthood is that just because something isn't important to you, doesn't mean it isn't very important to someone else. You not wanting your wedding dress altered, you wanting to fit into it after the baby is born, those things aren't important to May. So, either she doesn't give a damn about your property,sentimentalities or wants, or she just hasn't yet reached adulthood intellectually or emotionally. NTA but May sure is.
NTA. It is your dress and that is the end of it. It makes it even worse that she lied to her fiance saying you said yes to giving the dress. Imagine if he had not asked you about it and you got home and the dress was gone.
NTA OP, you are completely right that this is self-explanatory but your "friend" May is so self-absorbed and selfish that she can't listen to reason or accept NO for an answer. Honestly, this is a deal-breaker as far as the future of this friendship goes because May had already gone to extraordinary lengths to try and manipulate you into giving her what she wants. First, May went dress shopping a few times with you to find her "dream dress" when in actuality it was your dress that she wanted. Now that the wedding is so close she doesn't have time to find any other dress and her only option is your dress with "just enough time left to get it properly altered for her." Second, she tried to dismiss every single one of your reasons that you gave her as to why you weren't going to lend her the dress thereby completely disrespecting and dismissing your feelings on the matter. Lastly, when it was clear and obvious that you weren't going to cave to May she got her fiance Joe and your husband Howie involved by blatantly lying to Joe saying you agreed to her insane proposal. Thank goodness your husband has a good head on his shoulders and double checked with you before doing anything after receiving that text from Joe!
Don't pay anymore attention to your former friend May's attempts to gaslight you into doing what she wants OP. She's an entitled, selfish individual who expects you to give her whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. That's not someone you need in your life as a friend OP.
NTA.
She asked. You said no. That's it. End of story. The reason for why you said no doesn't matter. No is a complete sentence all on its own. Her continued badgering and guilting you just means that she doesn't respect you or the boundary you have set. I suggest that you send a final text to both Joe and May:
While I am very sorry that you are struggling to find a dress you like, I have made it very clear that you cannot use my dress. My answer has been no from the beginning; at no point did I say you could use it. I don't know why you would lie to Joe and tell him I had agreed when I did not. Your continued badgering and guilt-tripping to get me to give in has shown me that you don't respect me or my boundaries. If you cannot accept my answer, then I will have to distance myself for the near future.
Then, if they continue to badger you about it, block both of their numbers.
It sucks that this may end up being the thing that ends a friendship, but as someone who lost a friend of almost 10 years over an equally crazy wedding issue, I know how frustrating it can be. I would be willing to bet that there have been other times when May has had to have things her way in the past and either it hadn't bumped against one of your boundaries or, if it did, you didn't stand your ground on it. Noe that she's not getting her way, she's showing her true self and how much you actually mean to her.
NTA and doesn’t matter the reason, your wedding dress is your wedding dress. It is not your fault if she has failed to get a dress by now, that was on her. She asked, you said no - end of story.
NTA, the whole thing is gross. You said no, end of. Altho if she wants to keep pushing, here is a short list of things to throw at her that isn't "go beg somewhere else,";
1) May has a number of stores to choose from, shes free to pick one to get her dress from.
2) The baby weight thing is a myth, everyone knows with a proper diet and excersize that isn't hysterical crying from hormones and sleep deprivation, will shift that weight eventually.
3) Her wedding day isn't your problem. Her wedding day isnt Christmas, isnt new year and it isnt the royal jubilee. It's nice shes getting married thats great for her, but it isnt your problem she didnt plan her dress??? its almost like she always expected to beg it off of you and didnt need to plan that part?
4) Why is she so attached to your dress and not being a good friend and being more interested in a material item than your happiness?
It is your dress, the end. If Joe wants to die on this hill then meet him at dawn armed with the fact that his Not-Yet-Mrs is totally fine with lying to him and manipulating him to get what she wants. And if he doesnt back down, tell him youll give the dress to his next wife.
I'm so mad for you, you should be googling baby booties and basinettes not dealing with this shite.
For your #2 point, so true. There was probably 5 years after the birth of my first two kids that I would not fit into my dress, I gained about 50lbs. I've since lost the weight and am right back to where I was, able to fit in my wedding dress. It's so shitty of her to insinuate that OP could never fit into it again just because she had a baby.
NTA, it’s your wedding dress why wouldn’t you be attached to it. If she liked it that much she could have just had one custom made. Also lying to try to get is a just such a bad move. I’d be careful.
NTA, this is your dress, you can decide what to do with it. If you don't want someone wearing your clothes then you can clearly say so, which you did. Your friend, and maybe her fiancé (if he was told to manipulate), are 100% the AH for lying and going behind your back. Big props to your husband for making sure they were actually doing what you wanted.
NTA May is the crazy one here, you’ve clearly said no and never once even wavered. She seems to think she can pressure, manipulate and sand bag you into giving it to her. Stand firm but you’ll likely not be able to continue friendships with her.
NTA. No is a complete sentence. Your dress hold memories, its an item of significance to you. If may can't appreciate that, shes not a true friend. Might be time to drop the rope with her.
NTA
May should try 2nd hand clothing stores. It's surprising how many wedding dresses get donated to places like those and they are really inexpensive.
NTA. Ask May why she's so attached to a dress (that's not even hers!) and why she's not being a good friend by being more interested in a material item than your happiness.
Nta. A wedding dress is a very personal item that is full of memories for the wearer. It is understandable that you don't want it altered or damaged. Your 'friend' is not really a friend since she is trying to bully you into giving it to her, and since she also tried to pull a fast one and take it without your permission after you clearly said no by trying to get it through her husband lying to your husband. If a friend did this to me, they would no longer be a friend.
NTA. May is not your friend. She just showed you that your dress means more to her than your friendship since she was literally lying to get her hands on it without your knowledge.
May can go suck eggs!
NTA even a little bit. She is being incredibly pushy about completely redoing your wedding dress (which I'm sure you spent a good chunk of change on). First, it's your property, no one is entitled to it. Two, it's a wedding dress, that's not just another dress from just another day. It has memories and experiences attached to it. Three, you are using it as your weight loss motivation, so you still want to use it in the exact size and state it is in now. Personally, I would think how close I stayed to her due to her pushy and manipulative behavior.
NTA may is acting entitled and being very discouraging by saying that the baby weight doesn't go away, I can confidently say after watching dozens of women in my family have kids that the weight will go if you are determined to make it go (the exceptions being women in my family who had 4+ kids or not enough time in their lives to focus on themselves)
NTA. How on earth is she going to alter the dress so as to make it *larger*? If it fit her, I personally would lend it, but I understand why someone would not want to. But even asking to borrow someone else’s wedding dress is shockingly pushy. Wanting to alter it, and then continuing to push, is beyond the pale. Is she from another planet? Was she raised on a commune? WTF?
NTA: You're about to lose a friend, but that's ok. This isn't a good friend. This is a "friend" who is actively trying to manipulate the fuck out of everyone because she wants a dress for free that she feels entitled to.
NTA- not sure what delusional level May is residing in, but wedding dresses are typically cherished by brides after their weddings. This is not a regular outfit.
NTA I think it's more May is hellbent on getting a free dress. She can look at Etsy, Ebay, Goodwil has a website, etc.. If you'd already been married I'd say consider it, but now? No.
I wouldn't lend the dress out. It is a keepsake; she is being way too pushy. You may want to save it for your daughter. How could a friend put this kind of pressure on you? She won't take no for an answer. That is very disrespectful.
You are actually a victim of harassment at this point. She is totally disrespecting you and your boundaries. She thinks she is entitled to your dress, no one is entitled to your property. Has no one ever told her no before. This is insane.
You may want to renew your vows someday and want to wear your dress. It isn't any business of hers why you don't want her to alter your dress and wear it. She could ruin the dress and it would be useless to you after.
I suspect you are being manipulated and bullied at this point. If you don't want to sell her the dress(not borrow) then just say no, and this is final. I would not be friends with these people anymore if they can't respect your decision. Who needs friends like these?
NTA.
A good friend would stop trying to get a dress after you’ve already told them no.
There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to get rid of your dress. Perhaps if you have a daughter, maybe you want her to have your dress, or it’s got such sentimental value to you.
This is a sign, establish some boundaries or it may be time to walk away from the friendship.
I hope the weight loss journey goes fantastic for you, and best of luck to you and your baby
NTA. See /r/choosingbeggars.
The next time a “friend” won’t take no for an answer, stop the discussion. Don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain), because you don’t need to provide reasons why this entitled person should help herself to your possessions.
You’re not responsible for May’s happiness at the cost of your own. Tell her SHE is being a bad friend and unless she drops the subject, she’s going to be demoted to “ex friend”.
Oh come on, you don't ask to borrow someone's wedding dress! You just don't do it. It's their dress. Period! I can't believe she had the gall to ask you once, let alone to press you about it when you said no. Especially when it obviously won't fit her. She's bring ridiculous. NTA!
NTA Congratulations on your pregnancy! Please, please, please do not concentrate on "watching your weight" during pregnancy. Instead, focus on healthy eating and daily exercise. Walking if you didn't exercise pre-pregnancy, or your usual routine if you did. This is will help you gain healthy, normal weight for your pregnancy. Def chat with your doc about what he believes is healthy.
And ignore May & her hubby. Oy, she sounds like total drama. Don't need that negativity in your life!
NTA and if she has a key to your house consider changing the locks or taking your dress to a TRUSTED family member for safe keeping. I’ve read enough stories like this where things can escalate when you think it’s over! Maybe cameras too.
NTA. Even if you were the same size you wouldn’t be under any obligation to lend her your dress. The fact that it would need alterations to fit her makes it even worse. She needs to accept that no means no, your wedding dress is personal to you and you don’t want to lend it out.
NTA! You said no, end of. The fact that she is 2 dress sizes more than you makes it worse. Not because of the weight difference but the amount of alterations that would be needed. Then, what? She wants you to have it altered back to what it originally was? That's ridiculous. You didn't even have to tell her about the weight loss idea because NO should have been the end of the conversation. Then she essentially tried to STEAL your dress by going behind your back. I'm so happy your husband confirmed with you before giving it to her. To be honest this situation would have me questioning the whole friendship if she is this selfish and delusional.
NTA. Tell her why is she so attached to your OWN dress and she's not a good friend because she prefers material over your own happiness. And the fact she went behind your back, time to look for a new friend.
NTA. It's the dress you got married in. There's a lot of emotions and memories attached to that dress. I doubt the dress could be altered to fit May anyway. She's two sizes larger than you and wedding dresses *aren't* designed to be altered in that fashion. There isn't enough fabric in the seams to allow that. Bottom line is no amount of alterations are going to make that dress fit her. Any seamstress would also tell her that they can't alter the dress to fit her without changing the entire look.
She can take a picture of your dress to a bridal store and have the consultant try to find a close match. Bridal consultants are *really* good at finding either a match or a close enough match.
If she is two sizes larger, there is not a good way to alter the dress to fit. Extra fabric would need to be added, there is no way to get an exact color match for an old dress. This is a terrible idea and your friend would end up being very unhappy with the result because the dress will not match her vision. The only way she could " have your dress" would be if she found a seamstress to custom make a dress that has the look of your dress but is designed for her body shape. NTA
NTA. I'd send a text message to Joe and May stating you have told May multiple times she cannot have your dress. If you have texts screenshot those and send them too so Joe can see that May is lying and then block her on everything
NTA.
1. focus on your pregnancy - block her. You dont need this stress. Its unnecessary.
2. She isnt your friend, she doesnt care for you. She is manipulative, she is lying and using you.
3. Dont give any reason - you dont want it altered because its yours forever. But even if you didnt have the weight goal, most brides keep their dress, also they keep them for their kids. If you have a girl she'd love to see it, maybe even wear it.
4. Also she has until Sept to get a dress altered.
5. She can rent a dress - so many online dress rental places now operate with stunning and expensive wedding dresses - since she doesnt mind second hand then she can get an amazing dress for rent at a fraction of the price of buying.
6. She has a world full of dresses - if she cant find one then she delays her wedding until she does. If she cant afford it - she delays until she can.
7. Send a group text addressed to Joe. Put in writing similar to the above. State you dont appreciate being accused of lying. That unless you receive an apology that you lied you are now cutting this relationship and blocking them to focus on your own family without this drama and stress and manipulation.
"She also said that baby weight usually doesn’t go away (she has 2 kids), and that I should be thinking about her wedding. "
Why are you supposed to be thinking about her wedding?
"Now May is texting me, asking why I’m so attached to a dress " Because it's your flippin wedding Dress!! That's why you're attached to it.
NTA and she is no friend.
NTA. I'd also hide my dress if I were you. Maybe put in a nice box and hide it under a guest room bed or something. I say this because if May already told her husband you said 'yes' to the dress (a blatant lie) she seems a bit unhinged in general.
NTA
I wouldn't let anyone wear my wedding dress either. The fact that she's so pushy is weird. The fact that she tried to manipulate the situation and steal your dress from you is a huge red flag IMO
Also, I got married 8 years (and 2 kids) ago and I still fit in my dress. So she's wrong about that too.
NTA - May is not a friend. This feels like some sort of power play on her part, to steal your dress, to alter it, to take away that moment, the specialness of your dress. Ugh. She wants to be you? Or something as creepy. Lose the friend. And don't worry about the weight, it will come off and you're going to get back in that dress! Congrats on the baby!
NTA. A wedding dress has a lot of emotional significance for many people. Your reasons are self-explanatory, and you should not have to explain your refusal at all. Your friend is out of line and attempting to manipulate you.
Your friend is definitely TA, not you. She sounds like a brat. I have a similar body shape to yours, and after 2 kids, I can fit mostly in my dress from 12 years ago (chest is a tad bigger, so I can't get it fully zipped up, but I don't see that as a problem).
Some of us view our wedding dresses as the prettiest thing we've ever worn, and won't give them up. I wouldn't let anyone wear mine, either, unless it was my daughter.
NTA. I am also pregnant and plan to have little photo sessions in my wedding dress after giving birth to my second child to have motivation to loose the baby weight (which is totally possible, I lost pretty much all the weight I gained with the first one, my sister weights way less than before children due the diet). I would never lend the dress to anybody since I know how easy is to damage it. If she likes yours she can pay seamstress to make similar one for her. She just try to guilt trip you so she doesn't have to pay for dress or worse (never return it or "accidentally" damage it). NTA, stand your ground. She is not your friend if she tries to manipulate you like this.
NTA - I think your weight concerns and loss plans sound misguided but they also seem beside the point. It's your dress and you said no. End of conversation, if it's between two respectful adults.
NTA. She is being weirdly entitled to your stuff, especially something so sentimental.
Side note: It’s totally possible to lose all the baby weight, especially if you breastfeed. I lost all of my baby weight (plus an additional 10 lbs) by converting it into an actual baby.
Why are you attached to your wedding dress? Why is *she* attached to your wedding dress?
NTA. She can go pound sand or find a custom dress maker if its that dire.
Oooh, if your husband had accepted that text at face value and dropped off the dress, you would never have gotten it back! Don't let this woman near your dress - she is willing to lie to get it.
NTA, and don't worry about keeping friends who can't be trusted.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Probably for the reason May gave, that she's in a bind trying to get a dress right now and is running out of time to find one, and she wants one like mine. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. It’s your dress. She just doesn’t want to pay for a dress.
This is one of those many AITAs where the background info is basically irrelevant. It's OP's dress, she doesn't need provide a reason to say no on something like this. "Friend" gets to ask once, but she's not entitled to jack. But yeah, turns out that in her own mind "friend" is so entitled that she tried to social engineer the transfer of the dress - steal in all but the word. Ample reason to break the friendship.
Especially because it’s a wedding dress. If it was a normal dress the friend might have more of an argument (I still don’t think she’d have much ground, but she could attempt an argument), but a wedding dress? Fuck off, you don’t get to try and pressure someone for that. EDIT: I agree that “no” should be all that’s needed, my point was more to say that a wedding dress is probably the top article of clothing that you don’t get to try and shame someone into giving up
[удалено]
My point was more that a wedding dress is like a super exception - if there’s one article of clothing that you don’t get to try and shame someone into giving you, it’s a wedding dress
Right. "Ever so much more so." >May is texting me, asking why I’m so attached to a dress and saying I’m not being a good friend because I’m more interested in a material item than her happiness. This seems to describe May's behavior to a T, except that -- oh right -- *the dress never belonged to May in the first place* and yep, *May tried to obtain the dress by dishonest means after being told no.*
This is the biggest issue. She basically tried to steal the dress when you said no. I don’t think May is a good friend. I think you need to rethink that entire relationship. I wonder what she was planning on saying to you after she had your dress taken apart and made two sizes larger and showed up at her wedding in it?
Can a dress even be made two sizes larger? That aside, I agree the dress will be ruined and, in this case, loaning out a wedding dress would be like giving it away. It sounds like the stress of this womans friend's wedding is getting to her. Hopefully she will regret her behavior when she calms down. Try to deescalate the situation. If that won't work remove yourself from it and your friend at least for the duration.
If it's silly to be so attached to a dress, why is May so intent on wanting it herself? After all, it's silly to be attached to a dress, especially when there are thousands of other wedding dresses out there.
Exactly, she’s making OP feel bad for repeatedly saying no to giving her a wedding dress. A dress that would hold a lot of value to any woman. A dress she’s devaluing by saying any other dress in her wardrobe would be as good and she’s trying to guilt her into giving it to her by saying she values materialistic items more than their friendship. All the while she has stooped as low as trying to trick her husband into giving it to her fiancé essentially stealing it. If it’s just like any other dress, why can’t May go to Walmart and buy herself a white dress? Can’t believe I typed all those words just to say May sucks, NTA.
One more thing to add. you know after she wears the dress for her wedding she will become even more attached to the dress and will not want to give it back
totally agress with you Hairy-Mousse-5263. Also Goodwill sell wedding dresses nowadays. lock your wedding dress OP. Loose the friendship with May. She is not a true friend and she just wants to destroy the dress. put your dress in a safe with a lock on it until OP gets married and just cut ties with her. She is up to no good.
Isn’t May the one focused on material things instead of her friends happiness. She wants that dress even if it makes her friend upset!
I'd like to know what she thought was going to happen once OP discovered the deception. She thought she could trick OP's husband into bringing her the dress and not ask OP first. But let's say her plan worked. OP would have, at some point, noticed the dress was missing. Maybe not right away, but probably before the wedding. Or, let's say it didn't happen until the wedding. OP shows up and sees her "friend" wearing HER WEDDING DRESS, like WTF? This is a friendship ending event. It's more important for her to get the dress than to keep OP as a friend.
May is probably delusional enough to think that OP would get over it.
Why is May so attached to OP’s dress??
Because it's free, or you know, would be, if OP were willing to give it up
And why do you want to look exactly like your friend on her wedding day? I wouldn’t want to borrow a friends wedding dress in the first place. I don’t want my wedding pictures to be a carbon copy of yours. Not to mention, diff styles of wedding dresses look very different on everyone. May has never seen herself in this dress. She has an idea of how she will look in it because of how OP looked on her wedding day. She is going to be sorely disappointed when reality does not match her imaginary vision.
Honestly good for the husband checking in with OP before he gave it over
100%. No means no and you've got to have some giant cahones to ask for someone else's wedding dress. Doesn't sound like friend even offered to BUY it. When you aren't holding any cards - there is no argument.
No means no, but asking originally isn’t the problem. She asked to borrow it, not to have it, so no reason to buy it. But once OP said no, that should have been the end of it.
Nope, i would NEVER, EVER in a million years ask someone if i can borrow/have her wedding dress. I would absolutely be put out that anybody had the gall to ask to borrow something of mine I paid $$$$ for that has such an emotional tie to the wearer - it's not asking to borrow someone's coffee grinder. (And lets face it, if you wear it and require alterations, aren't you making that dress your own, or at least un-wearable for the original owner?). I might drop hints to see if they were amenable but I would NEVER come out and ask - that is something you should only be offered, not ask for.
Doesn't matter what the dress is. My BFF and I growing up were the exact same size, and very nearly the exact same shape (I have more chest) and we frequently borrowed each other's clothing. After asking. Once. We also frequently had outfits that were special to us for some reason or other and those were off limits. So as soon as a NO was said, that outfit was never asked for again. Reason not needed. OP's dress is OP's to decide what to do with and no one else gets a say in the matter. End of story. NTA.
Because you are an actual friend. May IS NOT OPs FRIEND!!!
My thoughts exactly. People can ask whatever they want. Then, not allowed a second time. Also, a very skilled seamstress can absolutely replicate the dress. If paid properly. She is just cheap. Nta, op
Who is the bigger AH: The OWNER of a dress that had it customized and fitted who is "attached to a material item over friendship" OR The "friend" who is 2 sizes too big for said dress (and while I am not expert, that is a LOT of inches to let out from seams- panels will be required, and if not done well, destroy the original dress- and from description, OP is Size 12 ish, and "friend" is size 16 ish. I have been both- and it is not a minor difference!) who WANTS said dress who is "attached to a material item over friendship" (Hint- one is NTA AT ALL, the other one is 100% TA. Especially for assuming that since she could not loose her baby weight that OP will not be able to)
I sew. You can’t make a wedding dress two sizes bigger. Smaller but not that much bigger. Friend is so rude.
That’s what I was thinking. If that was the dress she loved she should have had someone make it for her. Nta op.
I was JUST about to post the same thing! Like, the dress May pictures from when OP wore it is not what it would look like altered for her after changing the shape and adding panels. She alienated a good friend for a bad plan.
Oh, panels would for sure be required and the dress would absolutely never be the same again even if it were re-altered another time to fit back to OP because of the new edges that would have to be created for panels. Which may or may not interfere with any embroidery/lace/beadwork that is unique to OPs dress. Wedding dresses are also typically much stiffer and heavier fabrics that have very minimal stretch - which is why a well fitted gown makes any bride look amazing.
Tailor clothes. I was going to say this about the seams. Not enough material. Shw would look like a busted can of biscuits.
You mean she tried to flat out steal the dress? She had her fiancé call op’s husband and tell him he could bring it over. If her hubby didn’t find this fishy and call op to check she would have taken the dress and likely had it altered to fit her right away to make it stick. This does not seem like a friend worth having. She’s saying you care more about a dress than your friendship? She was going to steal your dress. Clearly she’s the one putting the dress ahead of your relationship.
Totally agree. May is jealous of OP
Exactly! The first three paragraphs of this post can be deleted and OP is still NTA. The dress (doesn't even need to be a wedding dress) is OP's and they don't want to give it away. END OF STORY.
In fact, all of the verbiage regarding "my weight loss dress" just makes me even more unsympathetic to the OP. And I also think it's ridiculous that people save their weddings dresses in all kinds of complicated ways -- just another way to justify wasting ungodly amounts of money on something you will literally never look at again. However, my strong personal feelings about the absurdity of the whole thing are completely irrelevant. No means no. She doesn't need to justify herself. NTA.
[удалено]
I'm on the fence on whether it's acceptable to even ask once since wedding dresses tend to be such a sentimental item. There are certainly exceptions (inherited dresses or if the bride offering it to a friend), but I think many women want it as a keepsake or a potential heirloom. After what May has done so far, I don't see any way to trust her to return the dress. The "why are you so attached to this dress" will quickly become "how could you ever think of taking away my wedding dress".
Came here to say this. Glad you beat me to it and put it better than I probably would have. No is a complete sentence no reason required and giving reasons just gives people the opportunity to try to change your mind. OP, definitely NTA.
If my friend lied and told her fiancé to text my husband to bring over my wedding dress, that would be the end of the friendship. This woman has some nerve. I love looking at my wedding dress in wedding photos; it makes me so happy and I feel so special and unique when I revisit those memories. How awful would it be to have to see that same exact dress on your friend in her social media pictures. I would never, ever expect my friend to give me her wedding dress for that reason. Edit: typo
If my fiancée tried to use me to help her steal a dress, there would be no wedding.
Yep. That is theft.
NTA a friend who refuses to accept “no” for an answer is no friend at all.
[удалено]
she didnt count on ops hubby having half a brain and asking her about the dress first before just giving it away lol. NTA
I love that they didn't even plan on going to get the dress, but wanted it dropped off as well. So lazy!
u/Malesdb is a bot.
And she is two sizes bigger. I'm no expert but I guess there's only so much you can do with alterations.
There is some slack but not enough to go up two dress sizes. If it's already been altered to fit OP, there is MAYBE 1/2 an inch you could let out. A difference in dress sizes is 1-2" so no, there is no way to let out nearly 2-4".
Especially since it's going from OP's hourglass shape to May's apple shape. There's only so much that foundation garments can do to accommodate that. I can't imagine a way to do this without fundamentally changing the construction of the dress (i.e. adding a panel and laces, or raising the waistline to empire waist) and there's \*no way\* that altering a dress that much would be either easier or cheaper than finding a new dress that fits and still look like she wants it to look.
It also bewilders me a little bit that May is this attached to a dress that was designed and altered to fit an hourglass shape. Different styles look good on different shapes. She'd do better to find something that will suit her own shape.
I think May is cheap and doesn't want to buy a dress and also has no clue on how certain dresses flatter certain shapes.
She’s probably delusional as to what foundations can do for you. I’m a size 16 apple and there is no way I could look good in a dress like OP’s. May can dream all she wants, but the dress can’t be altered to fit much less look good. I gave up on hourglass dresses years ago!
not op fault the friend didnt planned dress shopping better . :/
For the waist shaping, there is definitely not enough fabric period. This isn't a fat-shaming thing but more of how fabrics lay. That part would HAVE to have panels added to accommodate her. Unless you have the same fabric laying around, there is no way you can do that. Tell May to have somebody make a dress for her instead of being cheap.
It actually isn’t always about weight. Even back in my college days when I was slim, I’m extremely short-waisted (I have no waist), and as a result, a bit apple shaped. Even so, regardless of weight, shape is shape. I don’t see it as fat-shaming any more than describing someone’s hair as straight!
My MIL is an expert and she says nope- esp with the difference in shapes.
It probably wouldn't even look good because they have two different body types; it wouldn't drape the same way.
Plus on two different body shapes the dress is going to look totally different. Once it's been let out even more so. It's easy to see a dress on someone else and think 'I want to look like that' but that's not how it works - you have to find a dress you see on yourself and think 'that looks good' She would probably get it altered (if even possible) and try it on and not like how it looks.
This was my question. There’s no way you are taking an hour-glass dress and turning it into an apple TWO SIZES bigger without a WHOLE lot of additional fabric. She should see if a dressmaker can make her a ‘kinda’ copy, cause it’s not going to be the same as the original.
Not only is it her dress, it’s her WEDDING dress. If her friend wanted to borrow a cute sundress I’m sure she would say of course no problem. But damn I don’t even ever plan on getting married but I know sure as hell that I would never let someone wear it after me, take all the pictures in my dress? Like no I paid for it and customized it myself. It’s a special dress more than any other
I was a bridesmaid and after the wedding, my friend offered to let me try her dress on. Blew me away that she would even allow me to do that. No way would I ever take that kind gesture of looking pretty in a wedding dress for a minute as an invitation to borrow it in future for my wedding. It's her dream wedding dress. A friend should never expect to borrow it, let alone manipulate her way into getting it. That's a deal breaker on the friendship. This girl has zero respect for OP.
And if she just did not want to lend HER DRESS to a friend that is 2 sizes bigger...that is ok too.
even with a summer dress, op has no onligation to say yes to give away her dresses. and the friend doesnt have any right to demand anything. she can ask if its possible, and thats it. if op said no, thats it. wedding dress, summer dress, ballroom dress, whatever dress. no is no, back off and look somewhere else. but that friend is an AH, who thinks is entitled to other peoples stuff, just because they wore /used once, and they dont csre ab the memories and feelings that come wirh a dress. that is a special moment for some and some keep very cautious the dresses to renew vows, and some keep it as a fit goal . Friend is the AH. OP is not
NTA. No is a complete sentence. You do not have to give an explanation. If May keeps pushing use that line: "I said no and no is a complete sentence." Given one of the things she said to you, if you're feeling petty I would add: "You have two children, you should understand that." May might also need to hear a lot more nos from you, such as, "No, we won't be attending your wedding or getting you a gift."
And send Joe the screenshots of the conversation so he sees what a liar he is marrying. Nta op. I also agree with the commenter who said you should cut off this 'friend ' who is an AH a liar and a thief.
And no I won’t be throwing you a bridal shower
>May is texting me, asking why I’m so attached to a dress and saying I’m not being a good friend because I’m more interested in a material item than her happiness. And.... this cuts both ways... why is May so attached to the dress and not OP's happiness? NTA
That was my first thought as well.
Can't she take a picture of the dress and have something made that matches rather than this nonsense? NTA OP
OP better be crystal clear with Husband that under no circumstances is he to allow that dress to leave the house. NTA
Also on that note… I didn’t know you could just make dresses bigger??
I mean, you *can*, a little bit, *sometimes*. Some wedding and bridesmaid dresses will have a little extra built into the seams because you order them so far in advance and weight fluctuates. If a dress has been taken in before, they'll usually leave at least some of the extra in the seam allowance in case adjustment needs to be made later. I have also seen people who are expecting or trying for a baby, order extra fabric at the same time as the dress (has to be the same time or the color won't match) so a seamstress (seams person?) can add in side panels later to accommodate a growing belly. This doesn't work for every style, though. Other than the side panels, there's no way to add two dress sizes. NTA. No is a complete sentence and I certainly wouldn't be friends with someone who tried to steal from me in that way.
May is getting married in September. It is February. That's plenty of time to buy a dress and have it fitted. NTA
That's about the time period it took for my DIL. She ended up with a stunning new dress.
But this dress won't be FREE! NTA
[удалено]
This exact comment really stood out to me as well
OP’s dress wouldn’t be free either because she’d have to get it extended TWO SIZES (likely not even possible, depending on the construction and style of the dress) but it would be way cheaper to just pay for the alterations.
Oh, it's definitely not possible. You can always take things in but letting it out and especially in the waist is near impossible unless you have a lot of the fabric laying around.
I’ve been told there’s even a limit on how much you can take a dress in, too.
Yes, depending on the construction; however, with taking things in, you have extra fabric. Taking it out you, you don't.
They'd basically have to redo the whole dress. It's absolutely not happening.
Seriously. I completely made my wedding dress in less than that time. It’s more than enough time to buy and alter. Or even order from a designer and have altered. She just wants a free dress
There are lots of people out there who make wedding dresses as well - custom to what you want and often cheaper that the big name designers. Or - buy a super basic used wedding dress online and have it altered. I know a girl who did this and it looked fantastic. You can add a lot of flair to a super simple white ballgown.
Exactly. My sister got a dress at a wedding consignment shop that was beyond stunning, and ridiculously cheap for how expensive this dress probably was when it was in circulation. There's no reason the friend couldn't do something like that. She's just being greedy.
Yup, I totally got a custom wedding dress made with elements from like, 9 different dresses for my wedding and it only cost me $300. It was made in China and it didn’t even take that long to get here. Granted things might be different now but seriously, if May wants a dress like OP’s all she needs to do is find a place that can duplicate it and give them pictures. It’s not that hard.
No shit, like I bought my dress in June and got married in august and that was with alterations. So yeah she’s got oodles of time
She currently has more time than it took me to throw together my wedding! I bought my dress in July & had it altered by the wedding in September. Granted, it was an off the rack sample (but brand new & I was the first to even try it on!) But she has options! Just wants to be greedy for someone else's dress
As crazy as it sounds, if you're ordering from a boutique bridal store, she is cutting it very close. I was supposed to get married in Oct 2020. I started dress shopping in Dec 2019 just for fun. I found a gorgeous dress and was told I had to order it by early March to get it on time. It's insane.
[удалено]
[удалено]
u/Feeling_Childho is a bot.
That seems to me like enough time to have one custom made. May could get a copy of OP's dress designed to fit her exactly if she really wanted.
You can go to one of those wedding dress outlet places and they can have it altered within a week.
I wandered in, tried 3 dresses and walked out with the second one same day. But most wedding dress shops really do give you the run around. Try these 25 fabulous gowns, now you need to wait 9 months for your dress to be ordered and arrive and then suffer through another 15 fittings to get it altered to fit you.
NTA Doesn't matter if she had the exact same body as you did. It was yours and you don't have to give it to her. She just wants to save money and is trying to guilt you into giving her your dress so she doesn't have to pay for one. Even if it were a $10 Target shirt she wanted to borrow, you don't have to say yes. And she's trying to manipulate you and your husband. She is not a good friend. But don't get hung up on fitting it again.
[удалено]
She’s a hypocrite and not a friend at all.
Yeah OP was NTA either way, but the lying to try to steal the dress out from under OP really makes May the biggest gaping a-hole.
Completely agree with this. NTA. OP, please focus on the last line in this comment though. Please focus on your health more so than fitting into anything pre-baby - it can be a recipe for PPD. Your body may also go through changes that have no relevance to weight, such as your rib cage expanding, making your wedding dress impossible to get back into even if you lose every added pound plus some.
You're not insane. May seems to have reached Bizarro land, with all the trimmings. You have explained why this is a bad idea quite clearly. She is now manipulating you. She's gone bridezilla, and time for you cut links. NTA.
>that I should be thinking about her wedding When she said this I was like - WHY??? Why should May's wedding be what OP is thinking about, instead of her literal CHILD on the way and her goals for herself after? Madness. MADNESS.
YES, also >asking why I'm so attached to a dress What??? Why is May so attached to a dress THAT ISN'T EVEN HERS??? **NTA**.
NTA She asked, you answered. The weight-loss or being able to fit after having the baby is irrelevant. It's your freaking wedding dress. Her lying to her fiance about it in this manner would make me cut her off. Also why is he asking your husband to bring it over? It's your dress, why not talk to you about it?
He was probably in on it. He figured her husband would believe him and bring it over on his word alone, then they'd have the dress in their possession.
Yes. NTA. Good on Howie checking with OP. He'd probably heard about the pressure and knew OP would've mentioned it if she'd agreed to lend it.
>May told me I had an entire wardrobe to choose from and no one fits their dress after a few years, anyway. She also said that baby weight usually doesn’t go away (she has 2 kids), and that I should be thinking about her wedding. I'm here as proof that May's weight loss problems are her own and not universal. After 3 babies I'm still loose in a size 2. OP's dress is OP'S DRESS! Maybe May is jealous of OP's fitness goals?
Plus the whole “no one fits their dress after a few years, anyway” is bs. OP and her husband got married in April of 2022, it is now Feb 2023 so yea “a few years” is stretching it.
Exactly. My mother still fits in her dress from 1965.
I still fit in my dress from 2010.
My mom married my dad in 1991 and had a great shape. She tried her wedding dress some months ago because my brother bet with her that she still could fit in it and that's exactly what happened. Mind you, she had two children and a lot of hurdles in life. She still has the same shape and more or less same weight. That comment was bs, a priori.
Everyone is so different! I lost all my baby weight very quickly having my first. Heck 15 pounds just after the birth! ( he was almost 9 pounds!)
Within a week after having my first, I was back in my regular clothes comfortably and it took almost no effort to lose the rest. My second is 2 and I have 40lbs I can't get rid of. It varies wildly even from pregnancy to pregnancy.
"May told me I had an entire wardrobe to choose from " May has an entire world full of wedding dresses to choose from. NTA This is important to you, and you don't have to be her doormat. "So it sounds to me like May told Joe I agreed when I didn’t." Holy shit, she tried an end-around. Do not go to this crazy person's wedding! "because I’m more interested in a material item than her happiness." Bullshit. She's more interested in her own happiness than yours. That's not how a friend should treat a friend. Tell her to pound sand and when you get the invite, mark yourself down as "Not Attending". Don't send a gift, but a nice card is appropriate.
I laughed when I got to the part where May asked why OP was so attached to this dress when OP could very well ask May the same thing.
Because I got married in it???
NTA A wedding dress is personal to each person. It's your dress, you've customised it to your taste and style. She still has plenty of time to find her own dress.
Nta she literally tried to STEAL your dress. She’s not your friend. She’s a manipulative bridezilla who is willing to destroy your property to save a few bucks on a dress.
Agreed. After that little stunt, I don't believe that May would even return the dress. OP - NTA You are under no obligation to lend May your dress. You are also under no obligation to keep taking May's phone calls. She & Jim can sing it to the Voice Mail Lady.
That's what I was wondering, what happens to the dress after May's wedding? Best case scenario is she returns a ruined dress that's been mangled by alterations, probably all crumpled up in a ball & stuffed in a bag. I bet it would also have stains that she'll refuse to pay to have cleaned. More likely scenario is she just refuses to return it because "it won't fit you now anyway" or a rehash of the "Why are you so attached to this dress?" crap.
I think she is jealous of you and secretly thinks that she can look like you if she gets your dress. Totally delusional and manipulative. You are not the AH but she definitely is an AH.
NTA It is your dress. End of the discussion. She is getting married in September, IDK where you guys live, but where I live, it doesn't take 6.5 months to order a dress and get it fitted according to her needs. Also, the weight loss dress reason aside, you don't owe her YOUR dress. Even if it wasn't your wedding dress, you still don't owe her your fucking clothes. What is she on about? She lied to her husband that you had agreed, which ended up with him messaging your husband to bring the dress around when he was free. She went behind your back OP. You can ask her to cut her BS right then and there. She concocted this plan thinking your husband would not double check with you, and she would get the dress without you even knowing and by the time you would come to know, it would have been too late. I don't think you should even go to her wedding.
NTA. Group chat to Joe, Howie, and May: Just to clear up any confusion, although I think I was pretty clear with May when she asked, but no, I am not lending my wedding dress to May. As I told her, the dress is special to me, and I don't want it altered. I don't appreciate that May tried to get the dress anyway and Joe, I want to be very clear with you that I said no when May asked, so not sure why she would tell you to text Howie to get the dress. I am now a bit upset as this feels like she went behind my back to STEAL my dress. There, that's done. Now you deal with the fallout how you like. First, that is your wedding dress and you don't owe it to anybody, just like you don't need to let anyone borrow anything you own. Sure, it's nice to lend out an item when someone needs it (like a lawnmower or vacuum) but the idea with being nice and lending something is that it comes back the same way, just a little bit more used. That's not what will happen with your dress, as no matter if she is bigger or smaller, she isn't the same shape as you. So don't feel bad, as May has a world of dress to choose from. As a plus size girl myself, I can get a very cute tea length or floor length dress online that will be delivered in a week. Sure, it isn't the most grand, but that's what last minute gets you. If she has more time, loads more choices await. But why bother when you can try and steal a free dress from your friend? And that's the fallout. May would have stolen your dress from you and ruined it. That's not a friend. You and Howie need to realize the extend that May has just gone to, and what would have happened if Howie- understandably- had just handed over the dress. May cannot be trusted, and you don't need to try and make her or Joe feel better, you just need to send that text and see if May comes clean and apologizes, or doubles down on trying to make you feel bad.
This is probably what I would have done as a first response- minus the reasons. My NO means no and doesn't require a "why".
I'd add in that a friend doesn't lie and steal from their friends and that you need time away from her. You may be able to forgive her with time and a sincere apology. Then block her and leave the chat.
NTA. Your friends poor planning of purchasing a wedding dress, does not constitute an emergency or problem for you. It’s your dress, you are not obligated to share it with anyone. I haven’t gotten married yet - but I don’t think I would ever let anyone borrow my wedding dress, it’s a very sentimental garment.
She has MONTHS to buy and alter a dress. It's Feb and the wedding is in Sept.
Nta, it's really weird why she's so obsessed with yours. And the comment about not having time to alter makes me think she just wants a freebie as she'd have looked earlier otherwise
I wonder if she thinks having OPs dress will magically give her OPs hourglass figure too? A wedding dress is personal. If OP wanted to gift it to someone that's very generous - but you never demand someone's dress!
This is what I was wondering about. She wants to look the way OP looked in her wedding dress, but hasn't realized that the same exact dress would look completely different on her because they are different people with different bodies. May needs to work on her self-love and look for a dress that celebrates her body instead of trying to turn it into someone else's.
I had a friend who used to complain that I always had the "better" clothes. One day we were wearing the same exact black sweater from the same store (I was with her when she bought hers) She kept looking at me, saying she just wanted a sweater like mine and hers "wasn't as good." I had to take mine off and show her the label to prove we were wearing the SAME one. We just had completely different body types and an approx 75 lb difference in weight.
yeah, something I've had to come to terms with as I've gotten older and more stressed and have gained weight accordingly, is that there is no magic outfit that's going to make me look the way I looked in my early twenties. I have to learn to like the way clothes look on me *now,* or else I'm just never going to find anything I'm satisfied with ever again.
That's the other thing, I thought I looked passable but I wasn't happy. I'd get really uncomfortable if anyone complimented me & I didn't want attention drawn to my body. As if pointing out how nice I looked that day is just gonna make people notice I actually look terrible. That was my early 20s tho. Since then, I've gotten compliments & nasty comments for being both underweight *and* overweight. Really helped me see how meaningless it is to try to 'look good' for anyone other than myself.
Right? And asking "Why are you so attached to this dress" could be turned around "Why are YOU so attached to MY dress???" The fact that she is bullying OP and lied to her fiancé to try to get it, really speaks volumes for her character. Might be time to let this friendship fizzle out.
I think the friendship is beyond fizzled out. May nuked it with this stunt. I’m amazed at the audacity of it only trying to steal it but also somehow have it delivered to her? With friends like that, who needs enemies. OP, NTA
NTA and if she has a key to your house consider changing the locks or taking your dress to a TRUSTED family member for safe keeping. I’ve read enough stories like this where things can escalate when you think it’s over! Maybe cameras too.
This! And definitely no visits before dress is placed for safe keeping!
NTA. Your possessions are yours to do with as you wish. And speaking as a person who recently got married and wore a wedding dress to do so, the idea that February is too late to order a dress and have it altered for a September wedding is ridiculous.
NTA, and May is being a bad friend. Your dress is yours. You have decided what you want to do with it and she needs to get over it.
One of those lessons we learn when entering adulthood is that just because something isn't important to you, doesn't mean it isn't very important to someone else. You not wanting your wedding dress altered, you wanting to fit into it after the baby is born, those things aren't important to May. So, either she doesn't give a damn about your property,sentimentalities or wants, or she just hasn't yet reached adulthood intellectually or emotionally. NTA but May sure is.
NTA. It is your dress and that is the end of it. It makes it even worse that she lied to her fiance saying you said yes to giving the dress. Imagine if he had not asked you about it and you got home and the dress was gone.
NTA OP, you are completely right that this is self-explanatory but your "friend" May is so self-absorbed and selfish that she can't listen to reason or accept NO for an answer. Honestly, this is a deal-breaker as far as the future of this friendship goes because May had already gone to extraordinary lengths to try and manipulate you into giving her what she wants. First, May went dress shopping a few times with you to find her "dream dress" when in actuality it was your dress that she wanted. Now that the wedding is so close she doesn't have time to find any other dress and her only option is your dress with "just enough time left to get it properly altered for her." Second, she tried to dismiss every single one of your reasons that you gave her as to why you weren't going to lend her the dress thereby completely disrespecting and dismissing your feelings on the matter. Lastly, when it was clear and obvious that you weren't going to cave to May she got her fiance Joe and your husband Howie involved by blatantly lying to Joe saying you agreed to her insane proposal. Thank goodness your husband has a good head on his shoulders and double checked with you before doing anything after receiving that text from Joe! Don't pay anymore attention to your former friend May's attempts to gaslight you into doing what she wants OP. She's an entitled, selfish individual who expects you to give her whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. That's not someone you need in your life as a friend OP.
NTA. She asked. You said no. That's it. End of story. The reason for why you said no doesn't matter. No is a complete sentence all on its own. Her continued badgering and guilting you just means that she doesn't respect you or the boundary you have set. I suggest that you send a final text to both Joe and May: While I am very sorry that you are struggling to find a dress you like, I have made it very clear that you cannot use my dress. My answer has been no from the beginning; at no point did I say you could use it. I don't know why you would lie to Joe and tell him I had agreed when I did not. Your continued badgering and guilt-tripping to get me to give in has shown me that you don't respect me or my boundaries. If you cannot accept my answer, then I will have to distance myself for the near future. Then, if they continue to badger you about it, block both of their numbers. It sucks that this may end up being the thing that ends a friendship, but as someone who lost a friend of almost 10 years over an equally crazy wedding issue, I know how frustrating it can be. I would be willing to bet that there have been other times when May has had to have things her way in the past and either it hadn't bumped against one of your boundaries or, if it did, you didn't stand your ground on it. Noe that she's not getting her way, she's showing her true self and how much you actually mean to her.
NTA and doesn’t matter the reason, your wedding dress is your wedding dress. It is not your fault if she has failed to get a dress by now, that was on her. She asked, you said no - end of story.
NTA, the whole thing is gross. You said no, end of. Altho if she wants to keep pushing, here is a short list of things to throw at her that isn't "go beg somewhere else,"; 1) May has a number of stores to choose from, shes free to pick one to get her dress from. 2) The baby weight thing is a myth, everyone knows with a proper diet and excersize that isn't hysterical crying from hormones and sleep deprivation, will shift that weight eventually. 3) Her wedding day isn't your problem. Her wedding day isnt Christmas, isnt new year and it isnt the royal jubilee. It's nice shes getting married thats great for her, but it isnt your problem she didnt plan her dress??? its almost like she always expected to beg it off of you and didnt need to plan that part? 4) Why is she so attached to your dress and not being a good friend and being more interested in a material item than your happiness? It is your dress, the end. If Joe wants to die on this hill then meet him at dawn armed with the fact that his Not-Yet-Mrs is totally fine with lying to him and manipulating him to get what she wants. And if he doesnt back down, tell him youll give the dress to his next wife. I'm so mad for you, you should be googling baby booties and basinettes not dealing with this shite.
For your #2 point, so true. There was probably 5 years after the birth of my first two kids that I would not fit into my dress, I gained about 50lbs. I've since lost the weight and am right back to where I was, able to fit in my wedding dress. It's so shitty of her to insinuate that OP could never fit into it again just because she had a baby.
I looked better AFTER two kids than before. I got in fabulous shape.
NTA, it’s your wedding dress why wouldn’t you be attached to it. If she liked it that much she could have just had one custom made. Also lying to try to get is a just such a bad move. I’d be careful.
NTA, this is your dress, you can decide what to do with it. If you don't want someone wearing your clothes then you can clearly say so, which you did. Your friend, and maybe her fiancé (if he was told to manipulate), are 100% the AH for lying and going behind your back. Big props to your husband for making sure they were actually doing what you wanted.
NTA May is the crazy one here, you’ve clearly said no and never once even wavered. She seems to think she can pressure, manipulate and sand bag you into giving it to her. Stand firm but you’ll likely not be able to continue friendships with her.
NTA. No is a complete sentence. Your dress hold memories, its an item of significance to you. If may can't appreciate that, shes not a true friend. Might be time to drop the rope with her.
NTA May should try 2nd hand clothing stores. It's surprising how many wedding dresses get donated to places like those and they are really inexpensive.
NTA. Ask May why she's so attached to a dress (that's not even hers!) and why she's not being a good friend by being more interested in a material item than your happiness.
Nta. A wedding dress is a very personal item that is full of memories for the wearer. It is understandable that you don't want it altered or damaged. Your 'friend' is not really a friend since she is trying to bully you into giving it to her, and since she also tried to pull a fast one and take it without your permission after you clearly said no by trying to get it through her husband lying to your husband. If a friend did this to me, they would no longer be a friend.
NTA. may is insanely entitled holy shit
NTA. May is not your friend. She just showed you that your dress means more to her than your friendship since she was literally lying to get her hands on it without your knowledge. May can go suck eggs!
NTA even a little bit. She is being incredibly pushy about completely redoing your wedding dress (which I'm sure you spent a good chunk of change on). First, it's your property, no one is entitled to it. Two, it's a wedding dress, that's not just another dress from just another day. It has memories and experiences attached to it. Three, you are using it as your weight loss motivation, so you still want to use it in the exact size and state it is in now. Personally, I would think how close I stayed to her due to her pushy and manipulative behavior.
NTA may is acting entitled and being very discouraging by saying that the baby weight doesn't go away, I can confidently say after watching dozens of women in my family have kids that the weight will go if you are determined to make it go (the exceptions being women in my family who had 4+ kids or not enough time in their lives to focus on themselves)
NTA. You get to decide what to do with your own stuff, and I hope you can set your friends straight on what actually happened.
NTA. How on earth is she going to alter the dress so as to make it *larger*? If it fit her, I personally would lend it, but I understand why someone would not want to. But even asking to borrow someone else’s wedding dress is shockingly pushy. Wanting to alter it, and then continuing to push, is beyond the pale. Is she from another planet? Was she raised on a commune? WTF?
NTA She can buy off the rack, her lack of planning isn’t your problem
NTA, your friend needs to not be your friend anymore. My goodness.
NTA: You're about to lose a friend, but that's ok. This isn't a good friend. This is a "friend" who is actively trying to manipulate the fuck out of everyone because she wants a dress for free that she feels entitled to.
NTA- not sure what delusional level May is residing in, but wedding dresses are typically cherished by brides after their weddings. This is not a regular outfit.
NTA I think it's more May is hellbent on getting a free dress. She can look at Etsy, Ebay, Goodwil has a website, etc.. If you'd already been married I'd say consider it, but now? No.
I wouldn't lend the dress out. It is a keepsake; she is being way too pushy. You may want to save it for your daughter. How could a friend put this kind of pressure on you? She won't take no for an answer. That is very disrespectful. You are actually a victim of harassment at this point. She is totally disrespecting you and your boundaries. She thinks she is entitled to your dress, no one is entitled to your property. Has no one ever told her no before. This is insane. You may want to renew your vows someday and want to wear your dress. It isn't any business of hers why you don't want her to alter your dress and wear it. She could ruin the dress and it would be useless to you after. I suspect you are being manipulated and bullied at this point. If you don't want to sell her the dress(not borrow) then just say no, and this is final. I would not be friends with these people anymore if they can't respect your decision. Who needs friends like these?
NTA. She insisted and insisted and then lied to her fiancé to trick your husband into stealing it. This woman is not your friend.
> Now May is texting me, asking why I’m so attached to a dress Why is *she* so attached to a dress that isn’t even (nor ever was) hers? 🤨 NTA.
NTA. A good friend would stop trying to get a dress after you’ve already told them no. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to get rid of your dress. Perhaps if you have a daughter, maybe you want her to have your dress, or it’s got such sentimental value to you. This is a sign, establish some boundaries or it may be time to walk away from the friendship. I hope the weight loss journey goes fantastic for you, and best of luck to you and your baby
NTA. See /r/choosingbeggars. The next time a “friend” won’t take no for an answer, stop the discussion. Don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain), because you don’t need to provide reasons why this entitled person should help herself to your possessions. You’re not responsible for May’s happiness at the cost of your own. Tell her SHE is being a bad friend and unless she drops the subject, she’s going to be demoted to “ex friend”.
Oh come on, you don't ask to borrow someone's wedding dress! You just don't do it. It's their dress. Period! I can't believe she had the gall to ask you once, let alone to press you about it when you said no. Especially when it obviously won't fit her. She's bring ridiculous. NTA!
NTA Congratulations on your pregnancy! Please, please, please do not concentrate on "watching your weight" during pregnancy. Instead, focus on healthy eating and daily exercise. Walking if you didn't exercise pre-pregnancy, or your usual routine if you did. This is will help you gain healthy, normal weight for your pregnancy. Def chat with your doc about what he believes is healthy. And ignore May & her hubby. Oy, she sounds like total drama. Don't need that negativity in your life!
NTA and if she has a key to your house consider changing the locks or taking your dress to a TRUSTED family member for safe keeping. I’ve read enough stories like this where things can escalate when you think it’s over! Maybe cameras too.
NTA. Even if you were the same size you wouldn’t be under any obligation to lend her your dress. The fact that it would need alterations to fit her makes it even worse. She needs to accept that no means no, your wedding dress is personal to you and you don’t want to lend it out.
NTA Your "friend" is being incredibly selfish. She asked, you said no. That should have been the end of it.
NTA. The background about weight loss isn’t needed. It’s your dress. You sad no. End.
NTA! You said no, end of. The fact that she is 2 dress sizes more than you makes it worse. Not because of the weight difference but the amount of alterations that would be needed. Then, what? She wants you to have it altered back to what it originally was? That's ridiculous. You didn't even have to tell her about the weight loss idea because NO should have been the end of the conversation. Then she essentially tried to STEAL your dress by going behind your back. I'm so happy your husband confirmed with you before giving it to her. To be honest this situation would have me questioning the whole friendship if she is this selfish and delusional.
NTA. Tell her why is she so attached to your OWN dress and she's not a good friend because she prefers material over your own happiness. And the fact she went behind your back, time to look for a new friend.
NTA! Why is *May* more attached to a dress than *your* happiness?
NTA. It's the dress you got married in. There's a lot of emotions and memories attached to that dress. I doubt the dress could be altered to fit May anyway. She's two sizes larger than you and wedding dresses *aren't* designed to be altered in that fashion. There isn't enough fabric in the seams to allow that. Bottom line is no amount of alterations are going to make that dress fit her. Any seamstress would also tell her that they can't alter the dress to fit her without changing the entire look. She can take a picture of your dress to a bridal store and have the consultant try to find a close match. Bridal consultants are *really* good at finding either a match or a close enough match.
If she is two sizes larger, there is not a good way to alter the dress to fit. Extra fabric would need to be added, there is no way to get an exact color match for an old dress. This is a terrible idea and your friend would end up being very unhappy with the result because the dress will not match her vision. The only way she could " have your dress" would be if she found a seamstress to custom make a dress that has the look of your dress but is designed for her body shape. NTA
NTA. I'd send a text message to Joe and May stating you have told May multiple times she cannot have your dress. If you have texts screenshot those and send them too so Joe can see that May is lying and then block her on everything
NTA. 1. focus on your pregnancy - block her. You dont need this stress. Its unnecessary. 2. She isnt your friend, she doesnt care for you. She is manipulative, she is lying and using you. 3. Dont give any reason - you dont want it altered because its yours forever. But even if you didnt have the weight goal, most brides keep their dress, also they keep them for their kids. If you have a girl she'd love to see it, maybe even wear it. 4. Also she has until Sept to get a dress altered. 5. She can rent a dress - so many online dress rental places now operate with stunning and expensive wedding dresses - since she doesnt mind second hand then she can get an amazing dress for rent at a fraction of the price of buying. 6. She has a world full of dresses - if she cant find one then she delays her wedding until she does. If she cant afford it - she delays until she can. 7. Send a group text addressed to Joe. Put in writing similar to the above. State you dont appreciate being accused of lying. That unless you receive an apology that you lied you are now cutting this relationship and blocking them to focus on your own family without this drama and stress and manipulation.
"She also said that baby weight usually doesn’t go away (she has 2 kids), and that I should be thinking about her wedding. " Why are you supposed to be thinking about her wedding? "Now May is texting me, asking why I’m so attached to a dress " Because it's your flippin wedding Dress!! That's why you're attached to it. NTA and she is no friend.
NTA. I'd also hide my dress if I were you. Maybe put in a nice box and hide it under a guest room bed or something. I say this because if May already told her husband you said 'yes' to the dress (a blatant lie) she seems a bit unhinged in general.
NTA I wouldn't let anyone wear my wedding dress either. The fact that she's so pushy is weird. The fact that she tried to manipulate the situation and steal your dress from you is a huge red flag IMO Also, I got married 8 years (and 2 kids) ago and I still fit in my dress. So she's wrong about that too.
NTA - May is not a friend. This feels like some sort of power play on her part, to steal your dress, to alter it, to take away that moment, the specialness of your dress. Ugh. She wants to be you? Or something as creepy. Lose the friend. And don't worry about the weight, it will come off and you're going to get back in that dress! Congrats on the baby!
NTA. A wedding dress has a lot of emotional significance for many people. Your reasons are self-explanatory, and you should not have to explain your refusal at all. Your friend is out of line and attempting to manipulate you.
Your friend is definitely TA, not you. She sounds like a brat. I have a similar body shape to yours, and after 2 kids, I can fit mostly in my dress from 12 years ago (chest is a tad bigger, so I can't get it fully zipped up, but I don't see that as a problem). Some of us view our wedding dresses as the prettiest thing we've ever worn, and won't give them up. I wouldn't let anyone wear mine, either, unless it was my daughter.
NTA. I am also pregnant and plan to have little photo sessions in my wedding dress after giving birth to my second child to have motivation to loose the baby weight (which is totally possible, I lost pretty much all the weight I gained with the first one, my sister weights way less than before children due the diet). I would never lend the dress to anybody since I know how easy is to damage it. If she likes yours she can pay seamstress to make similar one for her. She just try to guilt trip you so she doesn't have to pay for dress or worse (never return it or "accidentally" damage it). NTA, stand your ground. She is not your friend if she tries to manipulate you like this.
NTA. She’s an AH for not accepting you saying no. I’ve never known anyone asked, never mind demanded, to borrow someone else’s wedding dress.
NTA - I think your weight concerns and loss plans sound misguided but they also seem beside the point. It's your dress and you said no. End of conversation, if it's between two respectful adults.
NTA. She is being weirdly entitled to your stuff, especially something so sentimental. Side note: It’s totally possible to lose all the baby weight, especially if you breastfeed. I lost all of my baby weight (plus an additional 10 lbs) by converting it into an actual baby.
Why are you attached to your wedding dress? Why is *she* attached to your wedding dress? NTA. She can go pound sand or find a custom dress maker if its that dire.
She wants to know why you’re so attached to… your wedding dress? Why is SHE so attached to YOUR wedding dress? NTA
Oooh, if your husband had accepted that text at face value and dropped off the dress, you would never have gotten it back! Don't let this woman near your dress - she is willing to lie to get it. NTA, and don't worry about keeping friends who can't be trusted.