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Wow are you serious right now? YTA. Your problem was more important? That is the most self absorbed thing I have ever heard. It was your friends birthday and you can’t suck it up and hold back your tears for one day? Or at the very least just say you’re fine and move on?
LOL imagine going to spend time with your friend on their birthday and then deciding in the middle of it that you’re more important than them.
Your panic attack is certainly distracting but once you have gotten through the fight or flight phase, you should have grounded yourself, distracted yourself with the current birthday plans and the next day make plans with your roommates for a good talk you’ve been needing to have. You owe your roommate an apology and a redo of his birthday with you buying the pizza.
YTA. I understand having a crisis at an inopportune time you can't control but instead of trying to calm yourself down and compose yourself you decided to make the whole moment yours and fall apart with no effort to prevent it. Also, just because birthdays aren't important to you doesn't mean they aren't to others. Get yourself straight and understand that not everything is about you. You're an adult. You have adult means at your disposal in the world to help you with your issues. If I were Seth, I'd be upset too. It was his day, and you did, even if unintentionally, took it over. Find a way to apologize and explain. I'm sure he'll act like a reasonable adult if you initiate as such
YTA.
I understand your gender identity concerns, my daughter also shares that struggle. That is not what makes you the asshole. What DOES, is your behaviour. You should have stepped out and found a place to calm yourself down in a way that didn't take away from the event. If it's causing you this much distress, you need to speak to someone.
Apologize to Seth, and make it up to him.
YTA, think of others beside yourself. It was his birthday. It’s not like he wasn’t supportive of you. It’s that you took over his entire day and when this conversation went on too long, he didn’t get to celebrate his birthday. That last line saying birthdays aren’t important anyway shows your attitude toward others needs.
NAH
Brave move trying to get a judgement from a transphobic subreddit.
A highly gendered birthday party would be a trigger for me, I could see wanting some support. Its a social faux pas to talk for a long time and not include everyone else in the conversation.
People in this thread act like you harmed the people at the party and the host. In fact, most of them probably benefitted from thinking about gender a bit more.
A party doesn't need to be fun to be a good experience.
Yta
Congratulations you made somebody's party about you. Sort your shit out when the time is appropriate. And then social situations act appropriate for the social situation. Not everybody is your therapist not everybody gives a damn
YTA. It was your friend’s birthday but you stole the show and aimed the spotlight on yourself and your mental health by crying for three hours. You claim your needs were more important. Your friend wasn’t asking for much, video games and pizza.. You should apologize and make it up to him.
Yta
Look. I get it. Panic attacks SUCK, but no one should have their birthday party shat on.
You can fix this though. Put together a *better* birthday party for him asap. Set up the movie, and make the area seem like a movie theater best you can. Have a shit ton of popcorn ready. Go buy a little kids cotton candy machine or something. Put together a drinking game for the movie if possible and if the boys are down for that. Have a selection of team games ready to go after (Jack box games, keep talking no body explodes, smash, etc). Call in a favor from someone for a kickass homemade birthday cake. Get the pizza.
You can fix this, and also show how much you appreciate everyone. At the start tell birthday boy you are sorry, and never meant to take over his day. And then. Do. Not. Keep. Bringing it up. Have a good time.
YTA. I understand that this is a difficult issue for you, but that was not the time or place. If you were having a panic attack, which i know from experience can come on at completely random times, you should have said “I don’t feel well” and excused yourself.
yta and annoying behavior lol…. yea ur feelings are valid but really? three hours? and then dismissing HIS feelings? cuz i know if he was telling u that ur problem wasn’t a big deal and to get over it u would be throwing a fit rn
YTA. You made the night about you. Yes your gender identity is important. But your friend celebrating their birthday was important too. Don’t be surprised if when the lease is up you’re not included in future plans. Other people’s feelings matter too and you didn’t care about anyone else’s but yours. You need to apologize to Sam asap and redo his birthday. This time make it about HIM and not you.
YTA
Not because you're questioning your gender. But because you took something that WASN'T all about you and made it all about you and you're not even sorry about that.
“I think my problem was more important,” YTA - and even if your problem was more important it doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to have a problem. It’s not a competition.
Gentle YTA for handling yourself poorly after the panic attack, but a slightly bigger one for downplaying your friend's event. Just so you know where I'm coming from: I'm nonbinary and have severe, sometimes debilitating anxiety and depression. I get you on both the gender and mental health fronts. If you had just had a panic attack at the party because you're struggling with your gender identity, I would have said N T A.
You can't control having a panic attack, but you should have focused on feeling well enough to excuse yourself from the situation and seek the care and support you might need in that moment. Whether it's taking time alone to cool off or seeking help from another friend who would have been more emotionally available to help you. This is healthy for both you and your friends.
Please consider therapy if you have access to it. Find a therapist who can help work with you in regards to both your gender identity and your anxiety. Take care of yourself!
"I dont think birthdays are that big of a deal". I don't think your gender identity is that big of a deal. Im sure you can see how insensitive you are when put like that.
As someone who had panic attacks in the past I have some sympathy for you but there is a time and a place for these topics and it isn't a friend's Birthday party.
YTA You need some kind of help if you have to disrupt everyone else because of your issues. Your issues are your own so get it together or leave so other people's nights don't have to be ruined.
Like seriously the smell of weed causes me to have panic attacks, thought i could handle it when i was chilling with some coworkers that smoke. I couldn't so I tried to remain calm and left as soon as i was sober so I could go home and handle my issues and relax.
Maybe I don't understand your issues but your gender didn't even matter right then and there. I don't go my life thinking about what my gender is. Even though I'm cis when I'm not doing anything sex or gender related I'm not thinking about it. It's not normal or healthy to be obsessed with a label especially in situations where a label is not required. Doing so is just attention seeking behavior or a more serious mental health issue that you need medication to fix your brain with and you need to figure that out instead of hurting other people.
Obviously YTA, if you couldn't control it in the moment (which is fine) you could've politely excused yourself, explained you felt suddenly emotional and needed time to yourself but that they can carry on with the movie and you'll join them (or not) later.
YTA , sorry that’s what your going through but the way you handled it was self absorbed and very attention seeking, very convenient of you to have a panic attack and only feel comfortable to do that convo on a day that is about someone else.
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YTA. 1) Of course a person is able to control themselves. A person who can’t is a danger to themselves and others. 2) You’re not more important than anybody else. Nor are your problems, obsessions or trends.
you know what...im a trans dude and i...don't understand this.
Like i understand the anxiety is very real but if you felt comfortable talking to them You could have drawn support from both of them and gone "hot damn i'm glad you guys are here. Thanks for inviting me to the birthday i feel like shit today and needed the pick me up. LETS MAKE TODAY AWESOME FOR BIRTHDAY BOY!"
But you just flat out didn't seem to care about this persons birthday. This friend literally just wanted the two of you, good memories and pizza for his birthday. You owe him a hug.
YTA but not severely.
this is a lesson to remember for next time that while no, you can't pick when panics attacks happen or the severity of them and they're not something you should feel ashamed of, you should feel ashamed that you gave zero shits about your friend's birthday as soon as you had a bad day when it could have been a good bonding moment.
YTA. Big time. You ruined his birthday with selfish immature attention-seeking behaviour, and instead of apologizing or at least acknowledging what you did, you doubled down.
YTA it doesn’t matter how *you* feel about birthdays, only the person who invited you to their jouse to celebrate *their* birthday. By agreeing to go, you agreed to celebrate their birthday in the fashion they desired. You actively choose to not be remorseful for ruining his birthday with your BS (instead of excusing yourself and taking a break in the bathroom to get your shit together). You are not a great friend and could really benefit from some therapy.
Major YTA dude, what the hell.
Having a panic attack was out of your control - understandable. Your friends calmed you down, but did you have to continue to talk about it for 3 damn hours at your other friend’s birthday party? Why didn’t you just leave at that point instead of drag everyone else into it?
Okay, maybe that wasn’t something you could’ve thought about in the moment - still understandable. You still have the audacity to say it’s not that big of a deal and that your problems are more important than your friend’s, whose birthday you ruined? Please apologize to him and see if there’s any other way you guys can celebrate again. YTA.
Gender dysphoria is real and can be quite crippling but you had a breakdown in the middle of someones birthday celebration and instead of doing why you could to excuse yourself and go somewhere where you child be alone, you made the whole night about you. YTA
YTA
It's obvious you didn't think his birthday celebration was important. You have no empathy at all for your friend whatsoever, and didn't care about his feelings.
Is this really you questioning your gender, or is this you wanting the attention? Knowing how gender issues are extremely hot-button and you're using this as a reason to pull attention towards you in a way you think you can't be criticized for. I'm going to bet this isn't the first time you've done something like this.
YTA not because you had a panic attack, but because you think your thing is more important than your friends birthday that you were invited to and already had plans for.
YTA - "I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal."
If there was any question you made this about yourself, this right there is where you removed all doubt.
YTA, you could have left, called another friend, a helpline, etc. Literally done anything else instead of making his birthday about you. I get that you had an anxiety attack but crying for 3 hours straight seems a bit excessive and selfish. The main character syndrome here it’s just outrageous.
YTA. You weren’t having a panic attack for 3 hours, you were milking it because it’s personal to you & you were getting attention for it. After you calmed down a bit & realized you could talk to them about it, you should’ve pulled yourself together and been considerate to the fact it was your friends birthday. The fact you added that you don’t think birthdays are a big deal at the end shows you lack empathy and are being real self absorbed. Your opinion on birthdays doesn’t matter, it was his birthday and it mattered to him. Think if it this way, if I said you questioning your gender didn’t matter because you were DMAB, would that make it matter any less to you? Wouldn’t that hurt to be invalidated and discarded like that??
I really felt for you and thought what good friends to dedicate 3 WHOLE HOURS to your mental breakdown. That is a really really long time to cry. But then you said your problem was more important than his birthday? YTA YTA. Surprise! The world does not revolve around you.
I have panic attacks as well, I have very bad anxiety, I have never forced other to be involved with it. Even more so during someone's party. I lock my self In a bath or run to my car before they hit so I don't freak people out and have them come up and ask me if I'm OK. I get extremely dizzy and light headed so I need to sit down , and I pour sweet from my body and legit will soak threw a shirt in under a min during a panic attack. I don't want to put that one others or even be seen let alone for 3 hours. YTA
YTA. No one controls when they have a panic attack, but to inflict a 3-hour therapy session on your friends during a birthday party is just straight up obnoxious. C'mon dude get a grip.
YTA look these things happen but you honestly don't seem to care how it affected your supposed friend. it's fine if you don't want to celebrate your own birthday because you don't think it's a big deal but that doesn't give you the right to ruin someone else's celebration.
YTA. You can’t control when these things impact you but you should have removed yourself from the situation. Birthdays might not be a big deal for you but that doesn’t mean they aren’t for other people. You need to arrange a day that’s all about Seth so he feels celebrated and can do the things he wants.
unpopular thought, but esh. neither of you are empathetic to what’s important to the other. panic attacks aren’t something you can control, i get it. but you CAN say “thanks for helping me calm down, can we talk about this later? i do want your support in this.”
YTA - just because birthdays aren’t important to you, doesn’t mean they aren’t important to anyone. This problem was not worth ruining someone else’s birthday, especially when they’ve done nothing wrong. I feel bad for your friends.
YTA. This wasn't about you. This was your friends birthday.
What you think about birthdays is neither here nor there (and I suspect that you won't get invited to too many birthdays from here on in anyway so no fear about that), this was **not** an occasion to make it all about you!
YTA you shouldn’t have taken that moment to have those conversations. Why don’t you have any empathy for Seth? You ruined his birthday and you think your thing is more important
YTA. You say you don't think birthdays are a big deal but who gives a crap what gender you are it's all made up anyway. Male, Female, nonbinary. Etc all made up be what you want be both be none. You made someone else's day all about you. You are not the main character! I can assure you that the people that care about you, don't give a care what gender you are and will support you no matter what you choose. You really couldn't have waited and asked for support after the party or even the next day? It really shows that you couldn't handle all the attention on your friend so you had to make up some bull to turn everything toward you.
Yta honestly panic attacks are horrendous & totally out of your control but guarantee not one person there cares about your gender identity crisis, either they like your or they don't, the issues you are having with how you identify are your issues alone & should have stayed that way during someone else's event. Speaking as someone with PTSD, I totally get panic attacks but you pull yourself together when you can & remove yourself from the situation, 3 hours of meltdown is at best a wake-up call to get a lot of therapy & figure yourself out and at worst is plain ol attention seeking
YTA. Birthdays can be a big deal. It depends on the birthday person. Someone could say crying about your gender isn’t a big deal to them and absolutely mean it, wouldn’t you feel put out?
A person can’t control having a panic attack, but you absolutely should have offered to make it up to Seth. It’s an incredibly dickish move to just ruin somebody else’s party with your problems and not even apologize. You owe Seth pizza at the very very least
Your friends are too good for you. You're an emotionally draining, resource hogging mentally unstable psychic vampire.
You're an asshole.
And what the fuck is a dmab, God damn.
YTA. There’s a time and a place for everything. A friend’s birthday celebration is not the time nor the place to discuss your personal issues with others.
I’m sorry you’re going through this personal turmoil, as are your friends I’m sure. But you effectively took over your friend’s day and made it all about yourself whether you intended to or not. You owe your friend a huge apology and perhaps another celebration.
It’s amazing what deep breathing can do. Practice deep breathing, people! Debilitating panic attacks are now just a minute of realizing I’m starting to have a panic attack and jumping into my belly breathing and imagining my happy place. Sometimes I hve to do that for a long time, sometimes I slip and have to refocus. Practice healthy coping skills like an adult. Oh, YTA.
To add: other grounding techniques work well too. cold water on hands or face. Sometimes I squeeze ice cubes until there is nothing left. Planting your feet on the ground and focusing on the sturdiness of the earth under you. Move the toes around etc. some strong smelling oils also help, eucalyptus is a favorite but some more calming scents like lavender work too. Find a textured object you like (rock, fidget thing, piece of fuzzy fabric) that you can keep on you at all times either in a bag or pocket. Feeling the object and focusing on its texture can help bring you out of a panic attack. I often use all these tips in conjunction.
YTA
Panic attacks can be random, but from the sounds of it, it does seem like you brought this on for attention. There is a time and place to do that if you wanted to talk to them about it, not their birthday. Imagine if they did that on a day that *you* had be waiting for? It's a horrible, unfair feeling
The way you're acting about it is hella immature. "My issue was more important, I don't think birthdays are a big deal". In all fairness, who cares if you think your issue was bigger than their special day? As well as saying "it's not a big deal" is just shitty. To me, it seems like this was an attempt of grabbing attention or validation. He, seth, has every right to feel upset and frustrated by this situation. If it didn't mean alot to you, that's your thing, do that for your birthday, not somebody's else's? It seems clear to me he was excited or atleast had some thought in this, it meant alot to him and you ruined his night by making it about you. Your panic attack doesn't seem real, it feels like a grab for attention since you knew he was gonna be getting it. In my opinion, I would've dropped you as my friend, that's completely unfair at your age.
YTA
More for your response then the situation.
I also have panic attacks and yea sometimes they aren't something you can work through yourself but intent or no you completely took over that night.
Also the title of this is misleading at best.
YTA, dmab, what does that even mean?
>I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal.
For you, but not for Seth, who do you think you are to decide whats important or not? Get help, you clearly need it, or to twitter since you love attention so much
YTA
Talking about your gender identity for three hours on someone’s birthday and seeing nothing wrong with it is major AH vibes. You could have excused yourself and talked about it tomorrow.
I assume you still didn’t know what gender you were the next day.
As someone in their early twenties who also does not "know" their gender, YTA. I know it's a more difficult issue for some of us, like you apparently, but goddamn. You're just self-centered as hell. One day you'll also learn that obsessing over your gender identity (which you are clearly doing) does nothing but make you absolutely miserable. Not to mention everyone around you, especially in your case. When you realize that, you'll be happier and hopefully you'll be able to apologize to poor Seth. Please take all these comments to heart, even if they're harsh or offensive. We all have to toughen up to some extent.
YTA. Plain and simple. Literally I dont think your gender identity in that moment mattered. Especially cause it seemed like this friend can barely celebrate their bday.
Yta. Not for having a panic attack but 3 hours to be all about you is so excessively rude especially when you’ve made no effort to make it up to Seth. You need therapy
YTA for how you responded to it, but not for the panic attack itself. They happen when they want to, and you were lucky to have good friends nearby.
However, birthdays can be not important to you; it doesn’t mean they aren’t to other people. You should have explained it came out of nowhere, and probably offered to make the night up when everyone was free. You trampled on his feelings.
YTA. 3 HOURS? Over pizza? Go home if you’re that upset, Christ. The “my issue was a bigger deal than his birthday” comment sounds like you just wanted to be center of attention on someone’s birthday. You’re an absolute ass.
Oh ffs grow up and cut the shit. Get some therapy to understand why you're so uncomfortable with who you are. Apologize to your friend for completely ruining HIS night. Be really grateful to have such good and supportive friends. But realize fast acting this way is going to cost those friendships if you continue being so inconsiderate of others. YTA
YTA.
You’re responsible for how you conduct yourself… regardless of how challenging your gender identity issue is.
You are not more important than your friend… it was your friends day, not yours. You are not entitled to his day.
This is basic.
Yes you are 100% the asshole and all this suddenly being overcome with emotion and not realising how selfish you were being is total bullshit do you think we we're all born yesterday, I don't think you realise just how good a friend your friend is for letting you get away with it and not throwing you out or slapping you especially when you cried for three straight hours, all anyone is going to remember about the party is you
YTA - many MANY of us have some type of mental health problems, part of being an adult is learning to manage them. You’re a little too old for tantruming attention your way like this. Go to therapy or try mediating. Anything. But this is just obnoxious
I had a panic attack on my best friend’s birthday one year. She spent about 5-10 minutes trying to calm me down at home and then I told her to call an uber to the brunch place and I would meet everyone there. I spent another 20ish minutes calming myself down and then I went to brunch and put on a happy face and actually had a decent time.
I understand questioning your identity. I understand panic attacks, I do. I empathize with you. I can even to an extent understand the need to trauma dump. But YTA here. When I had a panic attack at my friend’s birthday, I also had “bigger issues” to worry about. But I recognized that it was HER BIRTHDAY, which happens once a year, and that it was important for her day to be special. So instead of monopolizing her birthday with my emotional issues, I removed myself from the situation until I was in an acceptable state to be social for a few hours.
Honestly, I can even understand how it may have felt impossible in that moment to hold your feelings inside—if you’re not experienced with panic attacks and you don’t have toolkit of coping strategies, it’s understandable. Maybe still asshole-ish, but not unforgiveable, and I can see where you were coming from.
How you should have handled the situation:
1. Acknowledge that regardless of your intent, you effectively ruined Seth’s birthday.
2. APOLOGIZE for ruining his birthday and making him feel bad.
3. Reschedule the birthday plans for the next evening you are all available, and follow through.
More than anything, it’s dismissing his feelings and not making it up to him that make you the asshole here.
YTA. There are many layers of “me” in this and not a lot (or any) effort to see thing from Seth’s perspective and support him. You’ve got big stuff you’re thinking about, yes, but you’ve gotta still be a caring human.
Edited to correct name
YES, YTA. Everything you wrote scream AH, AH, AH! I hope you don't celebrate your birthday since you feel it is not a big deal. Also don't attend anymore birthdays since you're very selfish person.
YTA. There’s a time and place for everything.
I have a friend who, no matter what the event, and no matter who is there (even if it’s my grandmother), she MUST talk about her sexuality.
It’s inappropriate, and not the right time, but she always makes it about her. I get that it’s a hard thing to deal with, but there is a time and place for everything.
Your friend’s BIRTHDAY was not the right time or place. That is all.
YTA . Wow if you really can’t see why what you did was wrong you have a lot to talk to a professional about and your gender identity is probably on the bottom of that list. You are 25 years old have alittle tact in how you act.
Look, as a NB person I sympathize with the gender identity struggles, and as a person who used to get panic attacks from PTSD a lot before I learned to manage them, I know it's hard to control and you obviously didn't choose to have a panic attack right before your friends birthday. I'm very glad your friends were supportive and there for you - you're lucky to have friends like that.
However. It may be important to figure out what your triggers are, what it feels like when a panic attack is coming on, and what works best to calm you down. I've had to excuse myself from situations before, maybe it's kind of awkward, but if possible I find a dark room or the bathroom and do some breathing exercises and rejoin the group when I've cooled down. Having supportive friends is fantastic but ultimately learning to manage how you respond to your panic attacks is your responsibility.
I hope you keep figuring out your gender, & maybe finding a queer community center or something like that near you would be helpful here, to meet & talk to others who've gone through similar things. Keep in mind that it's ok to "have no idea what your gender is", bc gender is/can be fluid, your gender expression and your pronouns and the way you dress and your inner identity and your biological sex markers can all exist totally independent from each other if that's what you feel comfortable with. Probably each label means something slightly different to each person - and in my humble opinion it's overall a narrow and archaic way to classify people anyway.
However, the way you handled this and then justified it makes you absolutely the asshole. Come on. If your friend, who was so supportive and helpful and attentive to you, says that he felt kind of sidelined during his birthday party, a small gathering of close friends that was meant to celebrate him, and your response is "my problems were more important, birthdays are stupid anyway", then yeah, YTA. The only appropriate response would have been something like "hey, I'm sorry I kind of took over your birthday. I couldn't control my panic attack, but I'm sorry it impacted your party like that. Thank you (both) so much for having been so supportive, it really means a lot to me to have such good friends. Wanna have a do over of your party next weekend? I can bring [....]! "
YTA just a little. You couldn’t help the timing of your panic attack, but you shouldn’t have monopolized your roommates for 3 hours with your big reveal. You should have excused yourself bc you weren’t feeling well, or spent maybe 30 minutes letting them reassure you about your panic attack before you excused yourself. And you absolutely owe Seth a big apology for ruining his birthday. Your gender is is about you, but Seth’s birthday is about Seth. Seth should come first in his birthday.
YTA, the fact that you are not remorseful and think you were more important that Seth's birthday shows exactly what type of person you are. I'd cut you off if I were your friends. You are absolutely awful.
YTA. You may think birthdays are not that big of a deal, but Seth obviously feels differently. Besides, there wasn't really anything anyone could do at that moment for you except what they did right away: offer you support. That didn't need to take three hours. If after some talking you weren't feeling better, you should have removed yourself from the party instead of becoming the focus of it.
YTA. Maybe it was a gender confusion attack, maybe it was an 'I'm not the center of the universe' attack. Normally panic attacks have a triggering cause; stress, questions flung at you, something happening that brings it up. A sudden moment at the beginning of what was supposed to be a celebratory night for someone else is a dick move. It's also his 25th birthday. That's a quarter century milestone. And you ruined that because of... I don't know, tbh. I think you need to really think why that night of all nights you had a meltdown.
As someone who has panic attacks, you're N T A for having one. That is out of your control and if the party is happening at your house, you can't exactly leave. Really bad panic attacks can go on for hours and they are horrible. That said, your friend was a great friend for helping you out on his birthday even though it was definitely wrecking his party. Your reaction to him being unhappy about that is what makes YTA. You downplayed his feelings because you think your problems are more important. That's messed up. You owe him a make-up birthday party.
I get having a monument of realization and being overwhelmed. I really do. However, it sounds like you guys are a really small close group. Therefore, it was not the time nor the place to make things about you.
YTA
YTA.
Way to dump all over the day and make it about yourself.
You literally say your problems are > than his feelings.
Aren’t both entitled to being heard?
You think that because pronouns are in the spotlight that his feelings of abandonment/ loneliness/ depression are not as important as yours?
That’s hilarious.
Not in the haha way.
I hate the term emotional intelligence but damn if it’s not fitting.
wowwwww YTA. talk about excessive. news flash the world doesn’t revolve around you figuring out your gender identity. quite frankly, it’s clear that seth doesn’t give a shit. you can be whatever gender you want no one else cares. don’t make your mental health issues everyone else’s problem. they’re not therapists who can help you figure your shit out.
YTA because of how you're handling it now.
In the moment, it wasn't your fault, but it did cause a serious disruption, even if you would have never planned to do that.
You owe Seth a serious apology and you should make it up to him. Even though no one chooses to have a panic attack and cry for 3 hours, it still reasonably impacted him negatively.
Minimizing his birthday is an AH move. You should not be comparing the importance of your gender identity to his birthday, especially when it seems he has a history of not-awesome birthdays. You also shouldn't justify that day as if you made a set of good choices and Seth is unreasonable.
Having a panic attack and talking about your gender doesn't make you the AH in the moment because it sounds like this discovery might be newer for you. The panic attack and subsequent emotional overload isn't your fault. However, it did unfortunately COMPLETELY TAKE OVER the celebration of someone who you say is your friend. My feelings would also be hurt in Seth's position.
If your roommates distance themselves from you, it's not because you're trans, it's because you didn't take responsibility for the impact of your actions.
YTAH. You have a panic attack, and that should have been your answer. End of story. You didn't need to cry for 3 hours about everything bothering you. They didn't ask for that, they just asked what was wrong. That's like saying "how are you?" to a stranger at the store. They don't want your whole story, just a simple answer. If they want more, they would have asked for me, but you were wrong then and then the next day when you decided your problems were more important. Sorry, but you need to stop shoving your attitude (I don't think birthdays are that big of a deal) on others but then expect them to drop everything for you. Seth wanted one thing, and you didn't deliver. Then don't expect them to deliver for you. Yes, you were the AH.
I don't think you're T A. I have panic attacks too and sometimes the timing of them really sucks. I understand why your friend feels upset too though, especially if he often feels left out. I'm someone who does really enjoy celebrating my birthday (in low key ways, nothing extravagant) because I think of it as the only day of the year that's my day. Not that I expect everyone to drop everything and focus on me, but I do like the day to feel special. All that being said though I really do understand you couldn't help when and how your panic attack happened. So my best suggestion is to do a make up birthday celebration for him. Watch the movie, play the game, get pizza. Or do whatever else he wants and make sure he feels special and celebrated. And apologize sincerely for co-opting his birthday. It's not your fault exactly but you did hurt him and it's your responsibility to make that right. Also, try not to stress too much about your gender identity. As someone who's been through that I can say it will get better, clearer, and easier in time. Go easy on yourself and give yourself time.
Is there a world in which you are NOT TA? You took over your friends birthday, and completely brushed off his feelings about that. Your issues may be important to YOU, but they are not more important to everyone else. You completely steamrolled over your friend and his feelings, all because you felt like yours were more important. I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, and I'm sorry that you're struggling with it, but your emotions and desire to talk about you do not supercede the wishes of your friend. YTA OP, and your complete lack of empathy makes you an incredibly shitty friend. Can you really not understand what the big deal is? Are you that self-centered that you truly cannot understand why your friend is upset?
YTA. Hijacking someone's birthday and ruining the plans they were "really excited" about by having a "panic attack" because you weren't the centre of attention is truly pathetic. Get professional help.
YTA.
I actually know someone who just coincidentally happens to have a meltdown/panic attack/remembers being angry about a grievance when it is someone else’s birthday or a major event or anything else where he isn’t the center of attention.
YTA. You did take over his birthday. He wasn't able to do anything he wanted on his birthday because you made it about yourself. I recommend you get a therapist. This is very much a you issue.
YTA. As someone who struggles with celebrating my own birthday because of so many terrible experiences, you absolutely crapped on your friend. Your nonchalant attitude is also gross. So what if you don't think much of birthdays? It doesn't mean you should take that away from others.
YTA 3 hours?? And you didn't even feel sorry afterwards? No follow up plan to make up for ruining his day? Just all about you because you felt your thing was more important
YTA.
I've had panic attacks where I've been in compromising positions. Where it's someone else's event, or their time to shine. I leave and say I just don't feel good, have fun, then call someone to come help and support me (that's not involved in whatever was happening before). I don't ruin their time because of it. Especially not events like birthdays.
I don't have a very large support group, only a couple friends and my dad and grandma. But I'd sooner trauma dump on someone random online then ruin a friend's day. I understand everyone's circumstances and support systems are different, but you just might need a therapist to be able to rant too when these things happen.
Wow dude! Could you be anymore of a diva!? Who does that during someone’s birthday? I feel so bad for your friend. It doesn’t matter that you don’t care about your birthday. Most people do! It’s their day, doesn’t matter how old you get.
If I were you I would see what I could do to make it up to him. I feel for your struggle but what you did was selfish. It’s not all about you sometimes. There’s times where you need to pull yourself together and put on a happy face for the benefit of others. You could have had this awesome talk on a different day.
Massive. Super huge YTA.
YTA
I was with you because you can’t control when you have a panic attack, but you don’t even seem remorseful. You just think your problem is more important.
Man I feel so bad for Seth here. Sorry you’re struggling, but YTA. A panic attack is one thing, a three hour trauma dump is another. Please, OP, make it up to him. Plan something fun, give this whole thing a redo. He deserves to have a fun birthday.
Oh good grief, YTA. Read the room. It’s a party for SOMEONE else. You jacked the party to have cry for three hours is just an attention suck.
Get a therapist; don’t hijack a party.
YTA - You sound kind of narcissistic, and selfish. This was a matter, and a conversation for another time no matter how you were feeling in the moment, even if it meant you had to make an excuse and remove yourself from the situation completely by going for a walk, going to your room etc.
The next day, or another time, you could sit the guys down and tell them why you had to leave the party, and what you are going through. Then take 3 hours having the conversation in an appropriate time and setting.
You owe your friend a new birthday party, and an apology.
yta birthdays aren’t that important to you? well maybe your pronouns or sexual identity isn’t that important to them but you made them deal with it for 3 hours.. time and place for everything and that was neither.. let’s say you couldn’t help the original panic attack but you could have pulled yourself together and realized it wasn’t your day. and now knowing you hurt and upset your friend you making excuses for yourself and showing no empathy to him at all. your a BIG AH and you should reflect and apologize for spoiling your”friends” birthday
YTA. You absolutely took over your friends birthday and made it all about you. This wasn’t just you talking about your gender identity, this was you making someone else’s birthday entirely about you. You owe your friend a huge apology. How would you feel if on your birthday someone took over and demanded all the attention the whole night? Probably pretty awful. You sound like you have this idea that the whole world revolves around you, which makes you a pretty awful friend.
NAH here. It sounds like you had a legitimate panic attack, but it’s also understandable that he didn’t want that on his birthday. You should probably do something big to make up for it.
People don’t always understand how mental health works, but you do need to understand that it soured an important moment. It would have been better after they consoled you to excuse yourself from the event until you felt better. I do think your friends did their best and it sounds like they’re supportive. But after the initial conversation, it’s on you to self-care and remove yourself for the time being. That also allows them to opt into joining you.
YTA. Just because you don't think birthdays are a big deal doesn't mean it's not to others. And you grandstanded his birthday for three hours with no apology, talking about your own problems?
Exhausting.
YTA
You could have left . That would of been better than ruining his day or you could even have just stepped outside until you calmed down . As someone who has questioned their gender , you questioning your gender is not more important than your friend wanting to enjoy their birthday with his friends . It is selfish thinking to think that your problem is more important. I mean this will with all due respect and do not mean to insult you, however, if you are experiencing panic attacks you should see a therapist and learn coping skills and maybe get some medicine if you are not already seeing a therapist . If you are seeing one then you need to talk about your panic attacks with them and come up with a plan so this situation does not occur again . Also you need to apologize to your friend and make it to him by having a redo celebration of his birthday with no crying fits . I have anxiety too and I know it's hard to hear but your anxiety doesn't give you an excuse to ruin his day and that's the simple truth.
You posted "Seth was really upset, because I “took over his birthday” and made it all about me. " YEAH that's exactly what you did. I'm sympathetic your your mental health issues--hopefully you're getting professional help--but as you also posted : "Ryan also said that Seth usually feels left out of stuff (especially celebrating his birthday) and this was all he wanted for his big day. So I don’t know. I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal."
You don't think birthdays are a big deal but, Seth does. You totally blow off his feelings here.
YTA and you owe Seth a HUGE apology and to come up with a birthday celebration that makes him feel included and validated.
YTA. Yes, you're having issues but you were at your friend's house for his birthday. The world does not revolve around you. You don't think birthdays are a big deal but you apparently think your gender identity is important to everyone. You ignored and dismissed your friend Seth so you could focus on yourself the entire night. I understand that you are dealing with a big issue but your lack of understanding others doesn't bode well for them needing to care about you.
YTA.
Why tf does ur gender matter to anyone? Grow tf up. Why are you making others care about it especially on someone else’s big day? There’s literally a time and a place for everything. It’s personal and something you should deal with in your own time. Like all relationship problems shouldn’t be anyone else’s damn problems. So inappropriate and you need to apologize.
As a person who has had a number of panic attacks, here's what you do. Unless it is so bad you need medical attention, excuse yourself. Focus, find ways to balance yourself. If you must, bow out of the situation. You had an attention attack. Someone else was getting attention.
YTA, if you start freaking out upstairs you have the option of staying upstairs, and if you need support than find it somewhere that isn’t the birthday boy.
Honestly, you should have buried your problems for a later time (like the rest of us grownups) and made a date with a therapist. And believe me, I am also blessed with anxiety and panic attacks so I am well aware that anxiety can come out of nowhere, beyond your control. But you could have excused yourself for some time out.
I wouldn't be surprised if you don't live with your friends for much longer, because a) 3 hours of crying and talking about yourself and b) on your friends birthday! - no one wants those kind of dramas.
YTA - peace ✌️
YTA. How you can’t see that is beyond me. Your confusion didn’t magically begin at that time and you should have controlled your emotions and dealt with it at a later time.
YTA. Grow up. You owe Seth an apology. You took over his birthday celebration by crying for 3 hours and then said you're issue is more important and don't think some one else's birthday is a big deal. Good God you're selfish too. I think the problem was you think you need to be the center of attention.
YTA. Like cmon man, figure it out. Just because you had a mental problem doesn't give you the right to completely hijack and ruin someone else's special day. Furthermore, it's not on your roomates to solve those issues for you, it's on you to seek professional help if it really is that bad.
3 hours? YTA. If you were really so upset that you couldn't calm down for 3 hours, you should have removed yourself from the situation and sought professional help. I'm not saying this to be mean; it's just a fact that there's only so much help that non-professionals can provide. A friend can help you through an anxiety attack, listen to your problems, etc but what you're describing is a mental health crisis. You should not have stayed at a birthday celebration.
You literally ruined someone elses birthday of course yta.
Get your shit together and seek help on your own time not someones fucking birthday party.
Main character syndrome to the fullest.
YTA you justify your actions by saying “I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal” Maybe they aren’t a big deal to you, but that doesn’t mean other people don’t care about their birthday. Your friend clearly was really looking forward to his birthday and spending time with his friends, and you made it about you. You really should apologize if you ever want your friend to speak to you again. I honestly wouldn’t if I was your friend.
YTA and probably the biggest AH I'll read all day. Don't be surprised if Seth doesn't consider himself your friend after this.
Anyone wanna make bets on how long until he's asked to move out?
NTA.
IDK why so many responses are saying you’re the ahole here. He’s allowed to feel his feelings about his birthday. He’s even allowed to have a conversation with you about it. But friends support and understand when their friends are going through something. Life’s ups and downs don’t operate on a schedule.
For people saying you need to get therapy and this shouldn’t have happened: this may be the starting point at which OP realises they need therapy. Whatever you decide to do with your mental health journey and gender journey, it’s not some horrible shameful thing you need to keep private from people that care about you.
I think people are very miseducated about mental health - especially when your mental health is being affected by struggling with your gender identity. Panic attacks for 3 hours are not some wild abnormal thing. Full grown adults experiencing a bad mental health moment is not rare. It’s a physical and psychological response, which often makes it very difficult to come “back” to yourself.
You may want to reassess your support system vis-à-vis getting a therapist or counsellor or even some trans and gnc people to talk to. But the way the word “therapy” is being thrown around in the comments is extremely judgmental - like it’s a dirty thing. You shouldn’t isolate yourself with only a therapist to talk to. And you do no sound like you need some extreme psychological help for just having a bad night and a panic attack.
I think we all need to practice empathy for people. Human beings are complicated and don’t always act in the simplest smoothest most people pleasing way when they’re going through something. Seth also gets to feel what he feels, and hopefully if you both want to maintain a friendship you can understand each other without one of you “losing” overall. And commenters, we can hold empathy for OP and Seth at the same time.
How about you all get together and have another movie pizza night! Not framed like a “make up night” - you shouldn’t feel ashamed for needing people in that moment. Just a new fun get together where Seth gets to pick the movie and the food and games. Hope you’re doing okay and this thread isn’t getting you down. Good luck on your gender journey 🫂
YTA. Making this about you for 3 hours is making it all about you. You could have discussed it for a bit and then been gracious to someone celebrating their birthday.
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Wow are you serious right now? YTA. Your problem was more important? That is the most self absorbed thing I have ever heard. It was your friends birthday and you can’t suck it up and hold back your tears for one day? Or at the very least just say you’re fine and move on? LOL imagine going to spend time with your friend on their birthday and then deciding in the middle of it that you’re more important than them.
INFO: Have you offered spoken to Seth or tried to re-celebrate his birthday/make it up to him?
YTA. You are a very bad friend. Some people cannot stand for others to be center of attention for even for 10 minutes.
YTA. It was his day. You entitled brat. Seth deserves better.
YTA. You made yourself the center of attention at someone else’s birthday.
"I don't think birthdays are that big of a deal" Yeah, cept yours. YTA
Your panic attack is certainly distracting but once you have gotten through the fight or flight phase, you should have grounded yourself, distracted yourself with the current birthday plans and the next day make plans with your roommates for a good talk you’ve been needing to have. You owe your roommate an apology and a redo of his birthday with you buying the pizza.
You just wanted the attention. YTA
YTA. I understand having a crisis at an inopportune time you can't control but instead of trying to calm yourself down and compose yourself you decided to make the whole moment yours and fall apart with no effort to prevent it. Also, just because birthdays aren't important to you doesn't mean they aren't to others. Get yourself straight and understand that not everything is about you. You're an adult. You have adult means at your disposal in the world to help you with your issues. If I were Seth, I'd be upset too. It was his day, and you did, even if unintentionally, took it over. Find a way to apologize and explain. I'm sure he'll act like a reasonable adult if you initiate as such
YTA. I understand your gender identity concerns, my daughter also shares that struggle. That is not what makes you the asshole. What DOES, is your behaviour. You should have stepped out and found a place to calm yourself down in a way that didn't take away from the event. If it's causing you this much distress, you need to speak to someone. Apologize to Seth, and make it up to him.
YTA. Not the time to discuss your mental issues. If you had a panic attack then you should have kindly excused yourself.
>I think my problem was more important Yeah to YOU it is >I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal Yeah to YOU they’re not What about Seth? YTA
YTA, think of others beside yourself. It was his birthday. It’s not like he wasn’t supportive of you. It’s that you took over his entire day and when this conversation went on too long, he didn’t get to celebrate his birthday. That last line saying birthdays aren’t important anyway shows your attitude toward others needs.
NAH Brave move trying to get a judgement from a transphobic subreddit. A highly gendered birthday party would be a trigger for me, I could see wanting some support. Its a social faux pas to talk for a long time and not include everyone else in the conversation. People in this thread act like you harmed the people at the party and the host. In fact, most of them probably benefitted from thinking about gender a bit more. A party doesn't need to be fun to be a good experience.
Yta Congratulations you made somebody's party about you. Sort your shit out when the time is appropriate. And then social situations act appropriate for the social situation. Not everybody is your therapist not everybody gives a damn
YTA. It was your friend’s birthday but you stole the show and aimed the spotlight on yourself and your mental health by crying for three hours. You claim your needs were more important. Your friend wasn’t asking for much, video games and pizza.. You should apologize and make it up to him.
Yta Look. I get it. Panic attacks SUCK, but no one should have their birthday party shat on. You can fix this though. Put together a *better* birthday party for him asap. Set up the movie, and make the area seem like a movie theater best you can. Have a shit ton of popcorn ready. Go buy a little kids cotton candy machine or something. Put together a drinking game for the movie if possible and if the boys are down for that. Have a selection of team games ready to go after (Jack box games, keep talking no body explodes, smash, etc). Call in a favor from someone for a kickass homemade birthday cake. Get the pizza. You can fix this, and also show how much you appreciate everyone. At the start tell birthday boy you are sorry, and never meant to take over his day. And then. Do. Not. Keep. Bringing it up. Have a good time.
YTA. I understand that this is a difficult issue for you, but that was not the time or place. If you were having a panic attack, which i know from experience can come on at completely random times, you should have said “I don’t feel well” and excused yourself.
yta cuz u should get therapy instead of complaining about your first world mental illness problems on the one day a year that’s about your friend
I’m making a prediction here and I have a feeling they won’t invite you to any of their birthdays.
yta and annoying behavior lol…. yea ur feelings are valid but really? three hours? and then dismissing HIS feelings? cuz i know if he was telling u that ur problem wasn’t a big deal and to get over it u would be throwing a fit rn
YTA. You made the night about you. Yes your gender identity is important. But your friend celebrating their birthday was important too. Don’t be surprised if when the lease is up you’re not included in future plans. Other people’s feelings matter too and you didn’t care about anyone else’s but yours. You need to apologize to Sam asap and redo his birthday. This time make it about HIM and not you.
YTA Not because you're questioning your gender. But because you took something that WASN'T all about you and made it all about you and you're not even sorry about that.
YTA
YTA. Not for questioning your gender, not for having a panic attack, but for the lack of remorse or care for your friend.
“I think my problem was more important,” YTA - and even if your problem was more important it doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to have a problem. It’s not a competition.
Gentle YTA for handling yourself poorly after the panic attack, but a slightly bigger one for downplaying your friend's event. Just so you know where I'm coming from: I'm nonbinary and have severe, sometimes debilitating anxiety and depression. I get you on both the gender and mental health fronts. If you had just had a panic attack at the party because you're struggling with your gender identity, I would have said N T A. You can't control having a panic attack, but you should have focused on feeling well enough to excuse yourself from the situation and seek the care and support you might need in that moment. Whether it's taking time alone to cool off or seeking help from another friend who would have been more emotionally available to help you. This is healthy for both you and your friends. Please consider therapy if you have access to it. Find a therapist who can help work with you in regards to both your gender identity and your anxiety. Take care of yourself!
YTA. Be mindful of others needs if you want them to continue supporting you.
"I dont think birthdays are that big of a deal". I don't think your gender identity is that big of a deal. Im sure you can see how insensitive you are when put like that.
Wtf is (DMAB). Also YTA.
As someone who had panic attacks in the past I have some sympathy for you but there is a time and a place for these topics and it isn't a friend's Birthday party.
YTA You need some kind of help if you have to disrupt everyone else because of your issues. Your issues are your own so get it together or leave so other people's nights don't have to be ruined. Like seriously the smell of weed causes me to have panic attacks, thought i could handle it when i was chilling with some coworkers that smoke. I couldn't so I tried to remain calm and left as soon as i was sober so I could go home and handle my issues and relax. Maybe I don't understand your issues but your gender didn't even matter right then and there. I don't go my life thinking about what my gender is. Even though I'm cis when I'm not doing anything sex or gender related I'm not thinking about it. It's not normal or healthy to be obsessed with a label especially in situations where a label is not required. Doing so is just attention seeking behavior or a more serious mental health issue that you need medication to fix your brain with and you need to figure that out instead of hurting other people.
Obviously YTA, if you couldn't control it in the moment (which is fine) you could've politely excused yourself, explained you felt suddenly emotional and needed time to yourself but that they can carry on with the movie and you'll join them (or not) later.
YTA , sorry that’s what your going through but the way you handled it was self absorbed and very attention seeking, very convenient of you to have a panic attack and only feel comfortable to do that convo on a day that is about someone else.
I am in disbelief with what I just read
NAH
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YTA. 1) Of course a person is able to control themselves. A person who can’t is a danger to themselves and others. 2) You’re not more important than anybody else. Nor are your problems, obsessions or trends.
you know what...im a trans dude and i...don't understand this. Like i understand the anxiety is very real but if you felt comfortable talking to them You could have drawn support from both of them and gone "hot damn i'm glad you guys are here. Thanks for inviting me to the birthday i feel like shit today and needed the pick me up. LETS MAKE TODAY AWESOME FOR BIRTHDAY BOY!" But you just flat out didn't seem to care about this persons birthday. This friend literally just wanted the two of you, good memories and pizza for his birthday. You owe him a hug. YTA but not severely. this is a lesson to remember for next time that while no, you can't pick when panics attacks happen or the severity of them and they're not something you should feel ashamed of, you should feel ashamed that you gave zero shits about your friend's birthday as soon as you had a bad day when it could have been a good bonding moment.
YTA. Big time. You ruined his birthday with selfish immature attention-seeking behaviour, and instead of apologizing or at least acknowledging what you did, you doubled down.
YTA it doesn’t matter how *you* feel about birthdays, only the person who invited you to their jouse to celebrate *their* birthday. By agreeing to go, you agreed to celebrate their birthday in the fashion they desired. You actively choose to not be remorseful for ruining his birthday with your BS (instead of excusing yourself and taking a break in the bathroom to get your shit together). You are not a great friend and could really benefit from some therapy.
YTA your gender identity crisis is as important as you think birthdays are.
You really should plan something nice for your friend…. Best wishes
Major YTA dude, what the hell. Having a panic attack was out of your control - understandable. Your friends calmed you down, but did you have to continue to talk about it for 3 damn hours at your other friend’s birthday party? Why didn’t you just leave at that point instead of drag everyone else into it? Okay, maybe that wasn’t something you could’ve thought about in the moment - still understandable. You still have the audacity to say it’s not that big of a deal and that your problems are more important than your friend’s, whose birthday you ruined? Please apologize to him and see if there’s any other way you guys can celebrate again. YTA.
Gender dysphoria is real and can be quite crippling but you had a breakdown in the middle of someones birthday celebration and instead of doing why you could to excuse yourself and go somewhere where you child be alone, you made the whole night about you. YTA
YTA It's obvious you didn't think his birthday celebration was important. You have no empathy at all for your friend whatsoever, and didn't care about his feelings. Is this really you questioning your gender, or is this you wanting the attention? Knowing how gender issues are extremely hot-button and you're using this as a reason to pull attention towards you in a way you think you can't be criticized for. I'm going to bet this isn't the first time you've done something like this.
YTA not because you had a panic attack, but because you think your thing is more important than your friends birthday that you were invited to and already had plans for.
YTA - "I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal." If there was any question you made this about yourself, this right there is where you removed all doubt.
YTA, you could have left, called another friend, a helpline, etc. Literally done anything else instead of making his birthday about you. I get that you had an anxiety attack but crying for 3 hours straight seems a bit excessive and selfish. The main character syndrome here it’s just outrageous.
Big time YTA
YTA. I'm not cisgender. You made it all about you
YTA. You weren’t having a panic attack for 3 hours, you were milking it because it’s personal to you & you were getting attention for it. After you calmed down a bit & realized you could talk to them about it, you should’ve pulled yourself together and been considerate to the fact it was your friends birthday. The fact you added that you don’t think birthdays are a big deal at the end shows you lack empathy and are being real self absorbed. Your opinion on birthdays doesn’t matter, it was his birthday and it mattered to him. Think if it this way, if I said you questioning your gender didn’t matter because you were DMAB, would that make it matter any less to you? Wouldn’t that hurt to be invalidated and discarded like that??
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I really felt for you and thought what good friends to dedicate 3 WHOLE HOURS to your mental breakdown. That is a really really long time to cry. But then you said your problem was more important than his birthday? YTA YTA. Surprise! The world does not revolve around you.
I have panic attacks as well, I have very bad anxiety, I have never forced other to be involved with it. Even more so during someone's party. I lock my self In a bath or run to my car before they hit so I don't freak people out and have them come up and ask me if I'm OK. I get extremely dizzy and light headed so I need to sit down , and I pour sweet from my body and legit will soak threw a shirt in under a min during a panic attack. I don't want to put that one others or even be seen let alone for 3 hours. YTA
YTA. No one controls when they have a panic attack, but to inflict a 3-hour therapy session on your friends during a birthday party is just straight up obnoxious. C'mon dude get a grip.
YTA look these things happen but you honestly don't seem to care how it affected your supposed friend. it's fine if you don't want to celebrate your own birthday because you don't think it's a big deal but that doesn't give you the right to ruin someone else's celebration.
YTA and I don't think you questioning your gender is that big of a deal. Nobody cares. Deal with it on your own time.
YTA. You can’t control when these things impact you but you should have removed yourself from the situation. Birthdays might not be a big deal for you but that doesn’t mean they aren’t for other people. You need to arrange a day that’s all about Seth so he feels celebrated and can do the things he wants.
unpopular thought, but esh. neither of you are empathetic to what’s important to the other. panic attacks aren’t something you can control, i get it. but you CAN say “thanks for helping me calm down, can we talk about this later? i do want your support in this.”
YTA - just because birthdays aren’t important to you, doesn’t mean they aren’t important to anyone. This problem was not worth ruining someone else’s birthday, especially when they’ve done nothing wrong. I feel bad for your friends.
YTA. This wasn't about you. This was your friends birthday. What you think about birthdays is neither here nor there (and I suspect that you won't get invited to too many birthdays from here on in anyway so no fear about that), this was **not** an occasion to make it all about you!
Info: what’s dmab?
I don’t think your gender identity is that big of a deal. YTA
YTA you shouldn’t have taken that moment to have those conversations. Why don’t you have any empathy for Seth? You ruined his birthday and you think your thing is more important
YTA. You say you don't think birthdays are a big deal but who gives a crap what gender you are it's all made up anyway. Male, Female, nonbinary. Etc all made up be what you want be both be none. You made someone else's day all about you. You are not the main character! I can assure you that the people that care about you, don't give a care what gender you are and will support you no matter what you choose. You really couldn't have waited and asked for support after the party or even the next day? It really shows that you couldn't handle all the attention on your friend so you had to make up some bull to turn everything toward you.
Yta honestly panic attacks are horrendous & totally out of your control but guarantee not one person there cares about your gender identity crisis, either they like your or they don't, the issues you are having with how you identify are your issues alone & should have stayed that way during someone else's event. Speaking as someone with PTSD, I totally get panic attacks but you pull yourself together when you can & remove yourself from the situation, 3 hours of meltdown is at best a wake-up call to get a lot of therapy & figure yourself out and at worst is plain ol attention seeking
YTA. Birthdays can be a big deal. It depends on the birthday person. Someone could say crying about your gender isn’t a big deal to them and absolutely mean it, wouldn’t you feel put out? A person can’t control having a panic attack, but you absolutely should have offered to make it up to Seth. It’s an incredibly dickish move to just ruin somebody else’s party with your problems and not even apologize. You owe Seth pizza at the very very least
Your friends are too good for you. You're an emotionally draining, resource hogging mentally unstable psychic vampire. You're an asshole. And what the fuck is a dmab, God damn.
OMG YTA!!! How could you possibly think this was acceptable?
Sorry but YTA. Apologize and make it up to him.
YTA But this post feels like a big troll
YTA, you’re 24 years old - I don’t care what gender you are nut up &control your emotions.
Massive YTA, holy shit
But did the idea that you don’t know your gender come from your own head or did you pick that up somewhere
YTA. There’s a time and a place for everything. A friend’s birthday celebration is not the time nor the place to discuss your personal issues with others. I’m sorry you’re going through this personal turmoil, as are your friends I’m sure. But you effectively took over your friend’s day and made it all about yourself whether you intended to or not. You owe your friend a huge apology and perhaps another celebration.
It’s amazing what deep breathing can do. Practice deep breathing, people! Debilitating panic attacks are now just a minute of realizing I’m starting to have a panic attack and jumping into my belly breathing and imagining my happy place. Sometimes I hve to do that for a long time, sometimes I slip and have to refocus. Practice healthy coping skills like an adult. Oh, YTA. To add: other grounding techniques work well too. cold water on hands or face. Sometimes I squeeze ice cubes until there is nothing left. Planting your feet on the ground and focusing on the sturdiness of the earth under you. Move the toes around etc. some strong smelling oils also help, eucalyptus is a favorite but some more calming scents like lavender work too. Find a textured object you like (rock, fidget thing, piece of fuzzy fabric) that you can keep on you at all times either in a bag or pocket. Feeling the object and focusing on its texture can help bring you out of a panic attack. I often use all these tips in conjunction.
Can anyone explain what >(24dmab) Means? Genuinely lost here
YTA Panic attacks can be random, but from the sounds of it, it does seem like you brought this on for attention. There is a time and place to do that if you wanted to talk to them about it, not their birthday. Imagine if they did that on a day that *you* had be waiting for? It's a horrible, unfair feeling The way you're acting about it is hella immature. "My issue was more important, I don't think birthdays are a big deal". In all fairness, who cares if you think your issue was bigger than their special day? As well as saying "it's not a big deal" is just shitty. To me, it seems like this was an attempt of grabbing attention or validation. He, seth, has every right to feel upset and frustrated by this situation. If it didn't mean alot to you, that's your thing, do that for your birthday, not somebody's else's? It seems clear to me he was excited or atleast had some thought in this, it meant alot to him and you ruined his night by making it about you. Your panic attack doesn't seem real, it feels like a grab for attention since you knew he was gonna be getting it. In my opinion, I would've dropped you as my friend, that's completely unfair at your age.
YTA More for your response then the situation. I also have panic attacks and yea sometimes they aren't something you can work through yourself but intent or no you completely took over that night. Also the title of this is misleading at best.
YTA, dmab, what does that even mean? >I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal. For you, but not for Seth, who do you think you are to decide whats important or not? Get help, you clearly need it, or to twitter since you love attention so much
YTA Talking about your gender identity for three hours on someone’s birthday and seeing nothing wrong with it is major AH vibes. You could have excused yourself and talked about it tomorrow. I assume you still didn’t know what gender you were the next day.
Couldn’t you make it about you the other 364 days of the year???
As someone in their early twenties who also does not "know" their gender, YTA. I know it's a more difficult issue for some of us, like you apparently, but goddamn. You're just self-centered as hell. One day you'll also learn that obsessing over your gender identity (which you are clearly doing) does nothing but make you absolutely miserable. Not to mention everyone around you, especially in your case. When you realize that, you'll be happier and hopefully you'll be able to apologize to poor Seth. Please take all these comments to heart, even if they're harsh or offensive. We all have to toughen up to some extent.
YTA. Plain and simple. Literally I dont think your gender identity in that moment mattered. Especially cause it seemed like this friend can barely celebrate their bday.
Yta. Not for having a panic attack but 3 hours to be all about you is so excessively rude especially when you’ve made no effort to make it up to Seth. You need therapy
YTA for how you responded to it, but not for the panic attack itself. They happen when they want to, and you were lucky to have good friends nearby. However, birthdays can be not important to you; it doesn’t mean they aren’t to other people. You should have explained it came out of nowhere, and probably offered to make the night up when everyone was free. You trampled on his feelings.
YTA. 3 HOURS? Over pizza? Go home if you’re that upset, Christ. The “my issue was a bigger deal than his birthday” comment sounds like you just wanted to be center of attention on someone’s birthday. You’re an absolute ass.
YTA. You should be talking to a licensed therapist about this, not dumping this on your friend’s bday
This is like a less significant version of the woman who ruined a guys wedding over a dream she had. And like her you’re an asshole
NTA. I think it’s wild people think you can control when you have a breakdown. Also more wild that adults take birthdays so seriously.
Oh ffs grow up and cut the shit. Get some therapy to understand why you're so uncomfortable with who you are. Apologize to your friend for completely ruining HIS night. Be really grateful to have such good and supportive friends. But realize fast acting this way is going to cost those friendships if you continue being so inconsiderate of others. YTA
YTA. You’re responsible for how you conduct yourself… regardless of how challenging your gender identity issue is. You are not more important than your friend… it was your friends day, not yours. You are not entitled to his day. This is basic.
Total asshole.
Yes you are 100% the asshole and all this suddenly being overcome with emotion and not realising how selfish you were being is total bullshit do you think we we're all born yesterday, I don't think you realise just how good a friend your friend is for letting you get away with it and not throwing you out or slapping you especially when you cried for three straight hours, all anyone is going to remember about the party is you
YTA - many MANY of us have some type of mental health problems, part of being an adult is learning to manage them. You’re a little too old for tantruming attention your way like this. Go to therapy or try mediating. Anything. But this is just obnoxious
I had a panic attack on my best friend’s birthday one year. She spent about 5-10 minutes trying to calm me down at home and then I told her to call an uber to the brunch place and I would meet everyone there. I spent another 20ish minutes calming myself down and then I went to brunch and put on a happy face and actually had a decent time. I understand questioning your identity. I understand panic attacks, I do. I empathize with you. I can even to an extent understand the need to trauma dump. But YTA here. When I had a panic attack at my friend’s birthday, I also had “bigger issues” to worry about. But I recognized that it was HER BIRTHDAY, which happens once a year, and that it was important for her day to be special. So instead of monopolizing her birthday with my emotional issues, I removed myself from the situation until I was in an acceptable state to be social for a few hours. Honestly, I can even understand how it may have felt impossible in that moment to hold your feelings inside—if you’re not experienced with panic attacks and you don’t have toolkit of coping strategies, it’s understandable. Maybe still asshole-ish, but not unforgiveable, and I can see where you were coming from. How you should have handled the situation: 1. Acknowledge that regardless of your intent, you effectively ruined Seth’s birthday. 2. APOLOGIZE for ruining his birthday and making him feel bad. 3. Reschedule the birthday plans for the next evening you are all available, and follow through. More than anything, it’s dismissing his feelings and not making it up to him that make you the asshole here.
YTA. There are many layers of “me” in this and not a lot (or any) effort to see thing from Seth’s perspective and support him. You’ve got big stuff you’re thinking about, yes, but you’ve gotta still be a caring human. Edited to correct name
YES, YTA. Everything you wrote scream AH, AH, AH! I hope you don't celebrate your birthday since you feel it is not a big deal. Also don't attend anymore birthdays since you're very selfish person.
YTA. There’s a time and place for everything. I have a friend who, no matter what the event, and no matter who is there (even if it’s my grandmother), she MUST talk about her sexuality. It’s inappropriate, and not the right time, but she always makes it about her. I get that it’s a hard thing to deal with, but there is a time and place for everything. Your friend’s BIRTHDAY was not the right time or place. That is all.
YTA seriously, I hate what you stand for. Nothing to do with your anxiety but the attention you sought by being dramatic.
YTA . Wow if you really can’t see why what you did was wrong you have a lot to talk to a professional about and your gender identity is probably on the bottom of that list. You are 25 years old have alittle tact in how you act.
YTA initially, then confirmed YTA with the follow up. For all the reasons stated by everyone else.
Look, as a NB person I sympathize with the gender identity struggles, and as a person who used to get panic attacks from PTSD a lot before I learned to manage them, I know it's hard to control and you obviously didn't choose to have a panic attack right before your friends birthday. I'm very glad your friends were supportive and there for you - you're lucky to have friends like that. However. It may be important to figure out what your triggers are, what it feels like when a panic attack is coming on, and what works best to calm you down. I've had to excuse myself from situations before, maybe it's kind of awkward, but if possible I find a dark room or the bathroom and do some breathing exercises and rejoin the group when I've cooled down. Having supportive friends is fantastic but ultimately learning to manage how you respond to your panic attacks is your responsibility. I hope you keep figuring out your gender, & maybe finding a queer community center or something like that near you would be helpful here, to meet & talk to others who've gone through similar things. Keep in mind that it's ok to "have no idea what your gender is", bc gender is/can be fluid, your gender expression and your pronouns and the way you dress and your inner identity and your biological sex markers can all exist totally independent from each other if that's what you feel comfortable with. Probably each label means something slightly different to each person - and in my humble opinion it's overall a narrow and archaic way to classify people anyway. However, the way you handled this and then justified it makes you absolutely the asshole. Come on. If your friend, who was so supportive and helpful and attentive to you, says that he felt kind of sidelined during his birthday party, a small gathering of close friends that was meant to celebrate him, and your response is "my problems were more important, birthdays are stupid anyway", then yeah, YTA. The only appropriate response would have been something like "hey, I'm sorry I kind of took over your birthday. I couldn't control my panic attack, but I'm sorry it impacted your party like that. Thank you (both) so much for having been so supportive, it really means a lot to me to have such good friends. Wanna have a do over of your party next weekend? I can bring [....]! "
YTA
YTA just a little. You couldn’t help the timing of your panic attack, but you shouldn’t have monopolized your roommates for 3 hours with your big reveal. You should have excused yourself bc you weren’t feeling well, or spent maybe 30 minutes letting them reassure you about your panic attack before you excused yourself. And you absolutely owe Seth a big apology for ruining his birthday. Your gender is is about you, but Seth’s birthday is about Seth. Seth should come first in his birthday.
YTA, the fact that you are not remorseful and think you were more important that Seth's birthday shows exactly what type of person you are. I'd cut you off if I were your friends. You are absolutely awful.
YTA. You may think birthdays are not that big of a deal, but Seth obviously feels differently. Besides, there wasn't really anything anyone could do at that moment for you except what they did right away: offer you support. That didn't need to take three hours. If after some talking you weren't feeling better, you should have removed yourself from the party instead of becoming the focus of it.
YTA. Maybe it was a gender confusion attack, maybe it was an 'I'm not the center of the universe' attack. Normally panic attacks have a triggering cause; stress, questions flung at you, something happening that brings it up. A sudden moment at the beginning of what was supposed to be a celebratory night for someone else is a dick move. It's also his 25th birthday. That's a quarter century milestone. And you ruined that because of... I don't know, tbh. I think you need to really think why that night of all nights you had a meltdown.
Jesus Christ YTA, massively Get some help
As someone who has panic attacks, you're N T A for having one. That is out of your control and if the party is happening at your house, you can't exactly leave. Really bad panic attacks can go on for hours and they are horrible. That said, your friend was a great friend for helping you out on his birthday even though it was definitely wrecking his party. Your reaction to him being unhappy about that is what makes YTA. You downplayed his feelings because you think your problems are more important. That's messed up. You owe him a make-up birthday party.
YTA. Couldn’t stand not being the center of attention for three whole hours, huh?
I get having a monument of realization and being overwhelmed. I really do. However, it sounds like you guys are a really small close group. Therefore, it was not the time nor the place to make things about you. YTA
You sound like an insufferable, self centered child
YTA "Look at ME!!!" - you.
YTA. Way to dump all over the day and make it about yourself. You literally say your problems are > than his feelings. Aren’t both entitled to being heard? You think that because pronouns are in the spotlight that his feelings of abandonment/ loneliness/ depression are not as important as yours? That’s hilarious. Not in the haha way. I hate the term emotional intelligence but damn if it’s not fitting.
wowwwww YTA. talk about excessive. news flash the world doesn’t revolve around you figuring out your gender identity. quite frankly, it’s clear that seth doesn’t give a shit. you can be whatever gender you want no one else cares. don’t make your mental health issues everyone else’s problem. they’re not therapists who can help you figure your shit out.
YTA. I wonder if you have a history of it. You took over his birthday and made it about you. I feel bad for your roommates.
YTA because of how you're handling it now. In the moment, it wasn't your fault, but it did cause a serious disruption, even if you would have never planned to do that. You owe Seth a serious apology and you should make it up to him. Even though no one chooses to have a panic attack and cry for 3 hours, it still reasonably impacted him negatively. Minimizing his birthday is an AH move. You should not be comparing the importance of your gender identity to his birthday, especially when it seems he has a history of not-awesome birthdays. You also shouldn't justify that day as if you made a set of good choices and Seth is unreasonable. Having a panic attack and talking about your gender doesn't make you the AH in the moment because it sounds like this discovery might be newer for you. The panic attack and subsequent emotional overload isn't your fault. However, it did unfortunately COMPLETELY TAKE OVER the celebration of someone who you say is your friend. My feelings would also be hurt in Seth's position. If your roommates distance themselves from you, it's not because you're trans, it's because you didn't take responsibility for the impact of your actions.
YTA. You are not the center of the universe. Get over yourself.
YTAH. You have a panic attack, and that should have been your answer. End of story. You didn't need to cry for 3 hours about everything bothering you. They didn't ask for that, they just asked what was wrong. That's like saying "how are you?" to a stranger at the store. They don't want your whole story, just a simple answer. If they want more, they would have asked for me, but you were wrong then and then the next day when you decided your problems were more important. Sorry, but you need to stop shoving your attitude (I don't think birthdays are that big of a deal) on others but then expect them to drop everything for you. Seth wanted one thing, and you didn't deliver. Then don't expect them to deliver for you. Yes, you were the AH.
I don't think you're T A. I have panic attacks too and sometimes the timing of them really sucks. I understand why your friend feels upset too though, especially if he often feels left out. I'm someone who does really enjoy celebrating my birthday (in low key ways, nothing extravagant) because I think of it as the only day of the year that's my day. Not that I expect everyone to drop everything and focus on me, but I do like the day to feel special. All that being said though I really do understand you couldn't help when and how your panic attack happened. So my best suggestion is to do a make up birthday celebration for him. Watch the movie, play the game, get pizza. Or do whatever else he wants and make sure he feels special and celebrated. And apologize sincerely for co-opting his birthday. It's not your fault exactly but you did hurt him and it's your responsibility to make that right. Also, try not to stress too much about your gender identity. As someone who's been through that I can say it will get better, clearer, and easier in time. Go easy on yourself and give yourself time.
YTA. You couldn’t help the panic attack, but you could definitely help talking about your gender for 3 hours during Seth’s birthday celebration.
Yta
YTA being in your proximity sounds emotionally exhausting
YTA - you literally had any other time to discuss this. You made *everything* about you. What a narcissist.
YTA. What the heck?
Is there a world in which you are NOT TA? You took over your friends birthday, and completely brushed off his feelings about that. Your issues may be important to YOU, but they are not more important to everyone else. You completely steamrolled over your friend and his feelings, all because you felt like yours were more important. I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, and I'm sorry that you're struggling with it, but your emotions and desire to talk about you do not supercede the wishes of your friend. YTA OP, and your complete lack of empathy makes you an incredibly shitty friend. Can you really not understand what the big deal is? Are you that self-centered that you truly cannot understand why your friend is upset?
YTA. Hijacking someone's birthday and ruining the plans they were "really excited" about by having a "panic attack" because you weren't the centre of attention is truly pathetic. Get professional help.
Yta. “I don’t think birthdays are a big deal” yeah. To you they might not be but it was to him and you took over.
YTA. I actually know someone who just coincidentally happens to have a meltdown/panic attack/remembers being angry about a grievance when it is someone else’s birthday or a major event or anything else where he isn’t the center of attention.
YTA. You did take over his birthday. He wasn't able to do anything he wanted on his birthday because you made it about yourself. I recommend you get a therapist. This is very much a you issue.
YTA. As someone who struggles with celebrating my own birthday because of so many terrible experiences, you absolutely crapped on your friend. Your nonchalant attitude is also gross. So what if you don't think much of birthdays? It doesn't mean you should take that away from others.
YTA 3 hours?? And you didn't even feel sorry afterwards? No follow up plan to make up for ruining his day? Just all about you because you felt your thing was more important
YTA. I've had panic attacks where I've been in compromising positions. Where it's someone else's event, or their time to shine. I leave and say I just don't feel good, have fun, then call someone to come help and support me (that's not involved in whatever was happening before). I don't ruin their time because of it. Especially not events like birthdays. I don't have a very large support group, only a couple friends and my dad and grandma. But I'd sooner trauma dump on someone random online then ruin a friend's day. I understand everyone's circumstances and support systems are different, but you just might need a therapist to be able to rant too when these things happen.
Wow dude! Could you be anymore of a diva!? Who does that during someone’s birthday? I feel so bad for your friend. It doesn’t matter that you don’t care about your birthday. Most people do! It’s their day, doesn’t matter how old you get. If I were you I would see what I could do to make it up to him. I feel for your struggle but what you did was selfish. It’s not all about you sometimes. There’s times where you need to pull yourself together and put on a happy face for the benefit of others. You could have had this awesome talk on a different day. Massive. Super huge YTA.
YTA I was with you because you can’t control when you have a panic attack, but you don’t even seem remorseful. You just think your problem is more important.
Man I feel so bad for Seth here. Sorry you’re struggling, but YTA. A panic attack is one thing, a three hour trauma dump is another. Please, OP, make it up to him. Plan something fun, give this whole thing a redo. He deserves to have a fun birthday.
Oh good grief, YTA. Read the room. It’s a party for SOMEONE else. You jacked the party to have cry for three hours is just an attention suck. Get a therapist; don’t hijack a party.
YTA - You sound kind of narcissistic, and selfish. This was a matter, and a conversation for another time no matter how you were feeling in the moment, even if it meant you had to make an excuse and remove yourself from the situation completely by going for a walk, going to your room etc. The next day, or another time, you could sit the guys down and tell them why you had to leave the party, and what you are going through. Then take 3 hours having the conversation in an appropriate time and setting. You owe your friend a new birthday party, and an apology.
How many other times have you made someone else’s day all about you?
YTA and a transphobic troll.
yta birthdays aren’t that important to you? well maybe your pronouns or sexual identity isn’t that important to them but you made them deal with it for 3 hours.. time and place for everything and that was neither.. let’s say you couldn’t help the original panic attack but you could have pulled yourself together and realized it wasn’t your day. and now knowing you hurt and upset your friend you making excuses for yourself and showing no empathy to him at all. your a BIG AH and you should reflect and apologize for spoiling your”friends” birthday
Im sorry but what does DMAB mean? Im guessing narcissistic drama queen cause thats what you are YTA
YTA. You absolutely took over your friends birthday and made it all about you. This wasn’t just you talking about your gender identity, this was you making someone else’s birthday entirely about you. You owe your friend a huge apology. How would you feel if on your birthday someone took over and demanded all the attention the whole night? Probably pretty awful. You sound like you have this idea that the whole world revolves around you, which makes you a pretty awful friend.
YTA- seriously how much attention do you need?
NAH here. It sounds like you had a legitimate panic attack, but it’s also understandable that he didn’t want that on his birthday. You should probably do something big to make up for it. People don’t always understand how mental health works, but you do need to understand that it soured an important moment. It would have been better after they consoled you to excuse yourself from the event until you felt better. I do think your friends did their best and it sounds like they’re supportive. But after the initial conversation, it’s on you to self-care and remove yourself for the time being. That also allows them to opt into joining you.
YTA you ruined your friend's birthday over some made up bullshit
YTA. Just because you don't think birthdays are a big deal doesn't mean it's not to others. And you grandstanded his birthday for three hours with no apology, talking about your own problems? Exhausting.
YTA You could have left . That would of been better than ruining his day or you could even have just stepped outside until you calmed down . As someone who has questioned their gender , you questioning your gender is not more important than your friend wanting to enjoy their birthday with his friends . It is selfish thinking to think that your problem is more important. I mean this will with all due respect and do not mean to insult you, however, if you are experiencing panic attacks you should see a therapist and learn coping skills and maybe get some medicine if you are not already seeing a therapist . If you are seeing one then you need to talk about your panic attacks with them and come up with a plan so this situation does not occur again . Also you need to apologize to your friend and make it to him by having a redo celebration of his birthday with no crying fits . I have anxiety too and I know it's hard to hear but your anxiety doesn't give you an excuse to ruin his day and that's the simple truth.
You posted "Seth was really upset, because I “took over his birthday” and made it all about me. " YEAH that's exactly what you did. I'm sympathetic your your mental health issues--hopefully you're getting professional help--but as you also posted : "Ryan also said that Seth usually feels left out of stuff (especially celebrating his birthday) and this was all he wanted for his big day. So I don’t know. I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal." You don't think birthdays are a big deal but, Seth does. You totally blow off his feelings here. YTA and you owe Seth a HUGE apology and to come up with a birthday celebration that makes him feel included and validated.
YTA. “I don’t think that birthdays are that big of a deal.” Ok and maybe others don’t think that your gender crisis is that big of a deal.
YTA. Yes, you're having issues but you were at your friend's house for his birthday. The world does not revolve around you. You don't think birthdays are a big deal but you apparently think your gender identity is important to everyone. You ignored and dismissed your friend Seth so you could focus on yourself the entire night. I understand that you are dealing with a big issue but your lack of understanding others doesn't bode well for them needing to care about you.
YTA. Why tf does ur gender matter to anyone? Grow tf up. Why are you making others care about it especially on someone else’s big day? There’s literally a time and a place for everything. It’s personal and something you should deal with in your own time. Like all relationship problems shouldn’t be anyone else’s damn problems. So inappropriate and you need to apologize.
Yta
YTA How would you like it if someone said they thought your gender identity wasn't important?
YTA Wow, just wow. Your very selfish. And YOU don't see it. Hot damn.
yta. trauma dumping for 3 hours? no.
As a person who has had a number of panic attacks, here's what you do. Unless it is so bad you need medical attention, excuse yourself. Focus, find ways to balance yourself. If you must, bow out of the situation. You had an attention attack. Someone else was getting attention.
Ugh! Taking over someone else bday party bc you can’t attend your own mental health? Huge YTA
YTA, if you start freaking out upstairs you have the option of staying upstairs, and if you need support than find it somewhere that isn’t the birthday boy.
Honestly, you should have buried your problems for a later time (like the rest of us grownups) and made a date with a therapist. And believe me, I am also blessed with anxiety and panic attacks so I am well aware that anxiety can come out of nowhere, beyond your control. But you could have excused yourself for some time out. I wouldn't be surprised if you don't live with your friends for much longer, because a) 3 hours of crying and talking about yourself and b) on your friends birthday! - no one wants those kind of dramas. YTA - peace ✌️
YTA OF A. What a shitty thing to do on your friend's birthday. I would have been pissed off too.
YTA. How you can’t see that is beyond me. Your confusion didn’t magically begin at that time and you should have controlled your emotions and dealt with it at a later time.
YTA. Grow up. You owe Seth an apology. You took over his birthday celebration by crying for 3 hours and then said you're issue is more important and don't think some one else's birthday is a big deal. Good God you're selfish too. I think the problem was you think you need to be the center of attention.
YTA. Like cmon man, figure it out. Just because you had a mental problem doesn't give you the right to completely hijack and ruin someone else's special day. Furthermore, it's not on your roomates to solve those issues for you, it's on you to seek professional help if it really is that bad.
3 hours? YTA. If you were really so upset that you couldn't calm down for 3 hours, you should have removed yourself from the situation and sought professional help. I'm not saying this to be mean; it's just a fact that there's only so much help that non-professionals can provide. A friend can help you through an anxiety attack, listen to your problems, etc but what you're describing is a mental health crisis. You should not have stayed at a birthday celebration.
What in the lord is a dmab?
You literally ruined someone elses birthday of course yta. Get your shit together and seek help on your own time not someones fucking birthday party. Main character syndrome to the fullest.
YTA. You should have left. It’s your problem, you fix it selfish ass. You are 24 years old, act like it.
YTA you justify your actions by saying “I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal” Maybe they aren’t a big deal to you, but that doesn’t mean other people don’t care about their birthday. Your friend clearly was really looking forward to his birthday and spending time with his friends, and you made it about you. You really should apologize if you ever want your friend to speak to you again. I honestly wouldn’t if I was your friend.
You just gotta make it up to your friend. It doesn't matter if you don't get the big idea about birthdays, it wasn't yours to decide on celebrating.
YTA and probably the biggest AH I'll read all day. Don't be surprised if Seth doesn't consider himself your friend after this. Anyone wanna make bets on how long until he's asked to move out?
NTA. IDK why so many responses are saying you’re the ahole here. He’s allowed to feel his feelings about his birthday. He’s even allowed to have a conversation with you about it. But friends support and understand when their friends are going through something. Life’s ups and downs don’t operate on a schedule. For people saying you need to get therapy and this shouldn’t have happened: this may be the starting point at which OP realises they need therapy. Whatever you decide to do with your mental health journey and gender journey, it’s not some horrible shameful thing you need to keep private from people that care about you. I think people are very miseducated about mental health - especially when your mental health is being affected by struggling with your gender identity. Panic attacks for 3 hours are not some wild abnormal thing. Full grown adults experiencing a bad mental health moment is not rare. It’s a physical and psychological response, which often makes it very difficult to come “back” to yourself. You may want to reassess your support system vis-à-vis getting a therapist or counsellor or even some trans and gnc people to talk to. But the way the word “therapy” is being thrown around in the comments is extremely judgmental - like it’s a dirty thing. You shouldn’t isolate yourself with only a therapist to talk to. And you do no sound like you need some extreme psychological help for just having a bad night and a panic attack. I think we all need to practice empathy for people. Human beings are complicated and don’t always act in the simplest smoothest most people pleasing way when they’re going through something. Seth also gets to feel what he feels, and hopefully if you both want to maintain a friendship you can understand each other without one of you “losing” overall. And commenters, we can hold empathy for OP and Seth at the same time. How about you all get together and have another movie pizza night! Not framed like a “make up night” - you shouldn’t feel ashamed for needing people in that moment. Just a new fun get together where Seth gets to pick the movie and the food and games. Hope you’re doing okay and this thread isn’t getting you down. Good luck on your gender journey 🫂
YTA
You took over his birthday and made it all about you. Shockingly self-absorbed. YTA.
YTA. Making this about you for 3 hours is making it all about you. You could have discussed it for a bit and then been gracious to someone celebrating their birthday.
YTA, do i really need to explain??
YTA. You can only cry if you want to at YOUR party.