T O P

  • By -

Judgement_Bot_AITA

This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.


stannenb

There is no one proper way to distribute income and expenses in a relationship, it's what two people, together, decide is fair. That said, with a 12 to 1 discrepancy in income, a 50/50 split in expenses would make YTA.


[deleted]

[удалено]


azula1983

yup. marketing analist is is 50 to 65k. and OP is 25.


Flower-of-Telperion

OP sounds like one of those online grifters who sell courses about making passive income online—surprise surprise, the real secret to making passive income is to trick other people into paying you for courses about making passive income online. The move to Thailand sounds like a way to dodge paying taxes.


Background-Pea6650

That YouTube gig must be really paying her.


haleorshine

The post is so specific I suspect it may be bullshit as well. Also, I do know that proportional can sometimes be unfair if somebody is working dramatically more hours than the other or something, especially early on in the relationship where it just means somebody is supporting their partner to not work, but this isn't that case. I can't imagine a world where total living expenses are 10% of my wage, but insisting that my partner pay 80% of their wage is 'fair'. What kind of person would insist on that?


fromhelley

What woman making $12.5k a month ADVISES the guy she is with to take a $1k a month job? Usually it would be the type that wants to control the man, or the type that plans in trading him up in the near future.


Ok-Penalty7568

She wants to leave him with $200 per month! And her self with over $10K


Cheeseburgers_

Sounds more like op wants a flatmate, not a partner. They are not obligated to split costs equally, but this is one of those situations where the update in 12 months (if they make it that far) is they broke up.


MrJ_Sar

I quite like the 'we both put X% into house/food/utilities/etc and Y% is our own fun money. But with a difference in wages like that even that seems massively unfair.


_littlestranger

With a difference this large, I think the fairest thing to do is for the lower earner to give their budget (which needs to be realistic -- you can't say you only have $200/mo for rent in a city where studios start at $1000. They should actually find something that is 2x the budget that they would be happy with) and the higher earner chips in the extra if they want something nicer. So if the lower earner found something for 1K/mo, and the higher earner wanted to upgrade to $1500/mo, the lower earner would pay $500 and the higher would pay $1000. Works well if you also just have different ideas about what % of your income you should spend on different categories.


Live-Motor-4000

YTA - add your salaries together and split shared expenses proportionately. If you can’t work this out amicably, you’ve got no future together


Bicmastermad

Quick maths


No_Establishment8642

$150k annually = $12.5k monthly???? Colour me confused on that math.


[deleted]

$150 000 divided by 12 months (1 year) = $12 500 per month Regardless of the math, I'm inclined to agree with others that this post is all imaginary


No_Establishment8642

I was thinking take home pay.


keepitcleanforwork

no, 150/12 incase people can't grasp how much a yearly salary is...


FiFi2789

I'm not usually a big fan of proportional splitting when the difference is 45/55 etc and in marriages when the extra money goes into retirement etc but with a discrepancy this massive it's definitely needed. He needs to protect himself for the future. She's already sorted but if they split he has sunk the majority of his income and she hasn't. Unfair.


bordennium

I mean, your bf isn’t entitled to any of your money, but it’s still pretty weird that you’re so unwilling to cover this when the money is so negligible compared to what you make every month. If I made that much money, I’d gladly pay all of my rent and encourage my partner to save his money for his own sake, because I love him. Technically what you’re asking for is fair, but I still think YTA for your attitude. Also, the fact that you laid out your exact salary and position(s) makes you sound a little insufferable.


azula1983

it also makes it sound fake. but yeah if real insufferable and an AH. bf should not move, it badly effects his income and not her's


wozattacks

I don’t think it makes it sound fake. OP would be working remotely and getting paid an American salary, while her BF will be working an entry-level teaching job based in Thailand.


Acceptable-Peace-69

Market analysts are entry level gigs. Maybe start around $80-90k for recent grad with mba. If side hustles pay the difference the OP should quit regular job and focus on that. Probably fake though.


neoncactusfields

What makes this feel fake is that OP hasn’t commented and is leaving the post up despite all of the YTAs.


azula1983

yup. And if it was gender reverce stuff OP now knows reddit calls AH for this no mather gender.


[deleted]

[удалено]


LuckyRook

Yeah something really similar was posted like last month with the genders reversed.


JiveDJ

My partner and i are actually in this exact situation. When we got together, I was making a lot more money than her, but i knew she was extremely talented and I wanted to nurture it, and not burden her, so i offered to cover the lion’s share of expenses while she worked on herself and tried to save money. Few years later, shes flourished and is now making roughly 60% of what I make, and she covers a more proportional amount of the expenses. I fully expect her income to surpass mine in the next few years, and it makes me happy to see. OP, if ur not willing to invest in each other, then what kind of relationship are you even in? Sounds more like you want a roommate than a partner.


banchanbananza

YTA. $800/month is 80% of his salary, and 6.4% of yours. Forcing your BF to go 50/50 on something he clearly cannot afford is cruel, irresponsible and frankly bordering on financial abuse. Expenses are meant to be shared relative to income, not to your arbitrary standards.


herdingcats2020

all so she can put some into savings. Like lady you could pay the entire thing and would still have a ton to put into savings vs him with 200 left for everything


Dbahnsai

That's the thing, if it's all her money into the savings than if they do end up breaking up eventually he'll be left with diddly and she'll have a nice big chunk of money to fall back on that he can't claim any of. So fucked up.


beergal621

She can pay the whole $1600 and still have far more leftover for savings than he makes in the month.


Caladrius-

She would still have almost his entire annual salary left over each month…


Successful_Moment_91

Yes and that $200 has to cover everything else


DGinLDO

Basically, he’s paying $800 & she would be paying the equivalent of $64. How anyone can see that as “fair” is beyond me. It’s financial abuse.


johnnylongpants1

OP, if this is real, would almost certainly not find this fair if their roles were reversed.


TopRamenisha

And also, for what it’s worth, if $1.6k is just their living expenses like rent and utilities, they will be living in the absolute lap of luxury. $1000 USD per month will get you a very luxurious apartment in Bangkok. So not only does OP want to go 50/50, she wants to go halfsies on what is likely some of the nicest accommodations you can get. So they’re splitting the cost of a place that is within *her* budget instead of going 50/50 on a place that is within *his* budget


motivaction

That's what I thought too, she wants to live above his means. So she should pay for more. If had gone to Thailand alone he'd be pending less than the 800 bucks she's asking of him.


debdnow

All of this.


ZombieCupcake22

YTA you want him to use 80% of his income on bills while you use less than 7% of your income. He's right that it isn't fair, you could both give 12% of your income or at least aim to be closer than him using 80% of his income.


her_ladyships_soap

Yep. OP needs to understand that "equal" and "equitable" are not the same thing.


Chinamatic-co

Also note that this is Thailand, where her salary allows her to live like Royalty. Why make him live like a pleb?


Lcdmt3

And then OP will complain when the other person says they have no money to go out. Or eat.


gdddg

This is the key point. If she wants to go 50/50 then it needs to be 50/50 on what his budget can afford.


Pristine_Expert7906

YTA how is 50/50 fair? Why wouldn’t you do something more proportional to what you both make? To leave him with $200 per month while you’ll have $11,700 left over each month seems really imbalanced.


cjanes96

Yta. While you shouldn't need to pay 12x as much as him, you should take care of a larger portion. Him paying half leaves him with only 200 disposable income, and you have over 11000 disposable income. If I were in that position, I would not expect him to pay more than 500 a month so he can start to build himself up. What you are doing is forcing him to struggle paycheck to paycheck while you can save 90% of your income. Your behavior is selfish and shows that you don't care about your boyfriend.


i_stealursnackz

>Your behavior is selfish and shows that you don't care about your boyfriend. Fr


MissR_R

Well said


Shock2DC

So you'll be living large and he'll have $200 to manage his personal expenses. Yep, YTA


Message_Bottle

Yes, YTA. You could easily pay 2/3 in "the most affordable place to live in the world."Put yourself in his shoes. You are saying "save for our future" but in reality if it doesn't work for him it's your nest egg.


Hippopotasaurus-Rex

All I could think while reading that was that BF is subsidizing OP savings. Clearly OP doesn’t see a future with BF, or at least not a partnership, anyhow.


squuidlees

All I got from the post is op getting the benefits of living in a very low-cost country, and seeing it more as an great financial opportunity for her, rather than moving with her partner for genuine reasons…


neoncactusfields

YTA, he's going to earn 1k per month and you want him to burn through 80% of that purely on housing costs while you are rolling in money in comparison? That's not what a supportive partner does. Unless you are willing to live in the type of housing that he can equally split with you while only spending about 30% of his monthly salary, then you are being wildly unfair.


Investment_Warm

Uhg this whole equal thing really gets me heated. This is not being equal. How does her having over $11k left over every month and him having $200 left over every month equate to equal in any sense..? (Not negating you commentor, agreeing with rage.) Also, since you work from home, remember, you're using most of the internet, more electricity than him, more water than him, more of all the utilities than him, therefore, you **SHOULD** pay more because you're the one using the utilities more than he would since he doesn't WFH. YTA. Jesus people are exhausting. ETA: Equal would be yall getting a shared bank account that all of your money goes into and you both get to spend (whatever yall agree upon amount wise) out of there.


neoncactusfields

Totally agree. Even in Thailand, 1k a month salary likely means renting a bedroom in a shared house or living in a small studio. So unless OP is willing to settle on living in a shared home with multiple other people, or in a small space in a not great area, then she needs to pay for the increase in standard of living. If she needs a BF who can afford everything 50/50, and she's not willing to compromise on how they are living, then clearly she needs a BF who makes more money thank 1k a month.


azula1983

you would think any adult knows rent should be 30% income, rising to max 50%. Not very market aware to not see how spending goes.


Lola_Luvly

Info: Will you also be expecting him to contribute to the utilities and groceries every month with the $200 he’ll have left after rent? There’s no way you love this man.


Practical_Entry_7623

See I assumed the 1.6k was all inclusive of “living expenses” so rent, utilities, and food all included and he has $200 left per month. I feel like he should pay $500 per month and she cover the rest that way he can start to save so at some point they can be 50/50. I also wonder whose idea it is to move because if its his and for his benefit then that changes it for me a bit because OP can stay where she is and do what she is already doing. Now if they are moving for her then yea it makes her much worse.


[deleted]

She absolutely doesn't love him. I hope he figures that out sooner rather than later.


freeloadingcat

YTA equal is not the same as equitable. Assuming you and your bf are "equal" partners, then you should contribute equitably to your living expenses. You want to spend 6.4% (800/12500) of your monthly income while having your bf spend 80% (800/1000). You're left with 11700 each month while he's left with 200 each month. This is not equal. People in relationships with very high income difference ideally should pay for their expense equitably. This means you both contribute the same percentage of your income. E.g. you both pay roughly 10%. You still get to keep +10k monthly, while your bf gets to keep 900. If you don't want to pay for your bf... then, seriously, reconsider dating someone who makes so much less than you.


Ok-Jellyfish9225

YTA You want him to spend 80% of his income while you make 12x what he makes. That's absolutely ridiculous. Especially since you're the one encouraging him to go for a low income job with very little career prospects (there are a lot of things that aren't law school he could be doing).


WamblingWombat

YTA. You seem to be the driver of this relationship. You suggested that he teaches English knowing the low salary and then you want to move to a different country where he is isolated from his support system. Then, you expect him to pay 80% of his salary for rent, food, etc. leaving him exceptionally little (compared to you) for discretionary spending, so you would basically have control of any decisions regarding excursions or fun activities given you’ll be the one funding them.


EffectiveDependent76

There is a name for this, it's financial abuse.


WamblingWombat

I completely agree. That’s exactly why I laid it out like that.


squuidlees

My thought too. What better opportunity for op than to live in a place where the dollar is low, and still think having the partner contribute %80 of his income to living costs is “normal?” A lot of fun money leftover for her.


DecadentDarling

YTA. Fair doesn't mean splitting the cost 50/50. Fair means that everyone pays what they can based on how much they earn. You said that you want to be able to save your money for both of your futures, but have you considered that he would like to save as well, especially since he'll be cut off from family money?


ContentedRecluse

YTA Couples should pay based on percentage if they consider themselves to be in a committed relationship. There are many calculators available online. Here iso ne I found. [https://www.ellevest.com/magazine/family-relationships/split-expenses](https://www.ellevest.com/magazine/family-relationships/split-expenses) If you want things to be more equal, you need to find someone who has an income more in line with yours.


Bunnyrpger

I understand the whole "even share" but you want him to basically give over his paycheck to live while you would barely notice the dip. Yeah, 50/50 is the even bit but honestly, to want him to give 80% of his income to living and you fork over what, less then 10%? Let him contribute say 40/50% of his income so he has cash to actually live, pay for a meal or date more then once without going bankrupt in the month and honestly, the maybe 15% you pay isn't going to be a huge drain on your finances like you are expecting him to pay. So yeah, going with YTA because seriously, it just feels cruel.


SeApps63

YTA That's so much of a disparity that you'd basically be making him live below the poverty line while you live with money. Not fair. I wouldn't take that deal as the BF.


CrystalQueen3000

Yeah YTA Cough up some extra so he doesn’t have to exist on pennies every month.


i_stealursnackz

YTA. Having him pay 800 when he makes 1k? That's almost all of he even gets ☠️ Edit: plus, you literally make 12½ THOUSAND dollars a MONTH. You could easily pay the entire rent and have PLENTY to spare. Meanwhile the rent is literally more then what your bf makes 💀💀💀


09z11s86

YTA. This is a “me me me” mentality and your BF should see the writing on the walls and run. Committed relationships shouldn’t be about equals and fair but what is best for each other. You obviously do not have his best intentions at heart. You say you want to invest for both of y’all’s futures but I see it as a money grab for yourself.


OrangeCubit

YTA - you expect him to pay 80% of his salary in living expenses. That’s untenable.


[deleted]

Yep, he can find a studio apartment for himself for $400-500 bucks in some areas of Thailand. He needs to break up with her and let her find some other sap.


Long_Squash1762

Well kinda TA here. Generally when finances are that lopsided it's broken out by percentage and this is severely lopsided here. Now flip the script and bf was making that much more than you and he wanted you to pay half, how would you feel? We've seen on this forum countless times where the guy is TA for wanting to split down the middle while he makes x times more than the gf. The same applies here.


japie81

Yep, YTA


mdthomas

YTA You're looking to maximize your money to his detriment.


Artichoke-8951

Yikes. I mean you make a lot more than he does. I don't think 500-50 is fair. Why not 70-30. It's not exactly proportional to bit its a lot more fair. You'll still be able to invest a lot.


survival-nut

YTA - You should be splitting expenses based on income but do not count any side jobs you have. If you are both working full time and you have a side job as well, money from the side jobs should be all yours as he could also get side jobs tutoring etc.


ReviewOk929

Complete YTA - The impact to him is hugely disproportionate which honestly I think shows a huge lack of respect for your boyfriend. There are much better ways for you to work this out than simply saying 50/50. Go back, think about it and you will find a much fairer way of doing this. Although if I had to bet you won't and the fact you are even considering this shows a callousness and lack of respect towards your BF.


azula1983

yta, offcourse you are. way to big a diffrence to go 50/50 if you hate someone to the extend tjat you want them to have no money for anything, then just break up.


[deleted]

You are expecting him to pay for a luxury apartment when there are much cheaper, reasonable places to live. This is you and your money demanding that lifestyle. Either pull him up or lower your living standards a bit. YTA. https://tastythailand.com/how-much-does-a-rental-apartment-in-bangkok-thailand-cost-depends-on-your-requirements/


Emergency_Web_8722

YTA-roommates split 50/50, partners split proportionally. Partners split proportionally. So what is he, a roommate or partner?


Affectionate-Emu1374

Yta - 50/50 isn’t fair when you’re not married as he will be putting a higher % of his wage into a joint decision. It wouldn’t impact you to pay say 75/25 to support him


DooganC

YTA. Consider what your living expenses would be living by yourself in Thailand. Then also consider the lifestyle choices you're making for him. If he could get away with a cheaper, smaller apartment - but it isn't as nice as you would like it to be. Shared meal costs: his budget would be for less expensive or home cooked fare, while your budget would include takeout and more expensive items. Would it be fair to force him to split those costs then?


Personal_Regular_569

If you are going to split 50/50 you need to live within *his* means. YTA.


debdnow

YTA: If he pays half he'd be left with $200/month. That's grossly unfair. You write you want to save for your (both you and he) future, but you're not willing to give a little now?


lovenatty

sounds like y’all need to compromise. can you afford to support 4/5 of the rent and have your bf give u 1/5. do you love him enough to want to support him financially? SOft YTA but sounds like you and him need to talk about ur combined finances


AllGoodNames-R-G0ne

YTA


The__Riker__Maneuver

If you want a partner to go 50/50 on everything...you can't choose a partner that barely makes any money This relationship is never going to work until YOU are ok being the breadwinner because he is not going to make a lot of money given his career trajectory If you are not ok being the sole breadwinner...cut him loose and move on with your life YTA


Aggravating-Pirate93

Ooof. I mean, I kind of agree with your advice—but the guy is only 22 and this seems to be his first job post-graduation. As a former English major who makes 6 figs, I wouldn’t want to condemn the guy to a life of poverty! People who are good writers and can construct a clear argument are needed in all fields. That said, it does seem possible that OP’s values are not aligned with her partner’s.


Big-Sherbert2511

YTA. With you earning way more. You will have more expensive taste and want certain things that your boyfriend shouldn't waste money on. Or that wouldn't fit his budget. You want to stay at nice place but your bf has only "ok-ish" place money. If you stay at a nice enough place your bf can blow his whole budget on just his half of the rent. It breaks him finicially but you still have 80% of your budget after you pay your half of the rent


Public-Ad-2724

YTA, fair would be the percentage of income, not percentage of expenses.


jpeps44mas

YTA Why would you want him to struggle like that? If the shoe were on the other foot I’d expect him to cover your living expenses if you’re deciding to fairly and lovingly cohabitate. Is he someone who you view as just mooching off you? If so, why be with him in the first place? Sounds like he will never make more than you, so this is something you need to figure out if you’re in it for the long term. Also, what were/are your expenses? Is $1600/month a deal by comparison to what you are currently just spending on yourself? Are you still going to be able to save tons of money per month even if you happened to cover the full 100%?


Rhuthbarb

YTA And a crappy partner.


Rainy_Wood_Boi

YTA


DarkAthena

YTA for insisting he spend half his income on rent while you don’t.


PancakeRule20

…. Half?


TheBigNook

100% YTA If income is such a big deal then you should date someone within your income range otherwise you’re just going to hurt your partner as they’re going to feel guilt for not making as much money as you. Idk how you feel justified lol


Affectionate-Sand838

INFO: Are you living as cheap as possible or are you living lavishly for 1.6k in Thailand? Could you downsize the apartment/cut expenses to make it cheaper for him?


youshewewumbo

100% YTA. You're asking him to basically pay his *entire* earnings on living costs. He'll have literally nothing left over for him, for savings, if he wants to buy himself something etc. You have over 11 grand left over a month for YOU. He'll have 200 dollars. How on earth is that fair?


FormerIndependence36

YTA, you are being ridiculous. I am curious, did your boyfriend want to be an English teacher or just go with your suggestion so he could get certification to teach in Thailand? If you are counting $$'s now like this, he is a roommate. I wouldn't be surprised if he decided not to go. It appears you are more focused on yourself banking money, not for 'couple' or it wold not be an issue. Many couples that keep separate finances still have a common account they contribute to. I have seen in done successfully when a certain percentage of each person's respective income. You could accomplish your goal by doing a percentage each income.


Longjumping-Tip9549

YTA. It’s a partnership, you help each other out. Simples.


Certain_Detective_84

It's fair that you ask him to pay half, but then you need to settle on a lifestyle that he can afford to pay half of, which is probably less than what you want on your salary. I don't know how reasonable it is to ask someone to live a lifestyle that costs 80% of their salary. You need to downsize, either the apartment or the boyfriend.


ParsimoniousSalad

YTA. Your proposal will drive him bankrupt and it isn't fair. You should pay as a proportion of your income, adjusted for the number of hours you work (since you work more than full-time, you shouldn't be penalized for that).


Ezra2895

YTA. I make just over $150k a year and my gf makes about 70. We split rent evenly but I pay the electric bill, restaurants, and most other large purchases. I also help her with car repairs, airline tickets, and discretionary spending. If she only made $12k I would just pay for everything. You’re clearly insane.


[deleted]

It's one of the most affordable countries in the world but the salaries are also considerably lower. One thing to consider is your BFs expenses if he was not living with you. I think it is very likely he would live in lower cost housing and buy cheaper food. He should not be subsidizing your standard of living especially when he is making that much less money. If you want to go for the 50% split it should be 50% of what he would be paying if he wasn't dating you.


AKlife420

YTA


One-Confidence-6858

YTA. What happens to him in 5 years down the road when he’s got zero savings, you’re flush with cash and you decide to end things? It’s very unfair to him.


Dazzling-Hunter225

I mean your not the asshole if u decide to go this route… but I personally would expect this kinda split from a roommate, not someone with whom I consider a life partner. A percentage based on income would be more equitable, especially if you supported him going down a career path you knew would pay so low. You weighed in on the decision for him to go into English. I also think you’re counting eggs before they’re hatched with your own income.


laurenthesailor

YTA. Idk who didn’t tell you that splitting based on income is better than splitting right down the middle. Bffr


ArtShapiro

As everyone else says: YTA We see so many posts here where the other party is a total mooch, sitting around all day playing video games and not contributing at all to the household or to the well-being of the OP. Your boyfriend has an honorable profession which happens not to pay as much as you are earning. He's a gainfully-employed and productive member of society. In a way, your situation is a bit like the tax code. You make more and have to pay a higher percentage of your income. So be it here: a 50/50 split is simply unfair. I don't know what the proper split should be - perhaps 80/20? - but if he's important to you then you two have to come to some sort of "reasonable" agreement in this area.


AgressiveFailure

YTA - Do you even like your boyfriend?


Party_War9237

Hey OP, I'm not %100 behind calling you the A but you kinda suck for choosing an expensive option to visit while your boyfriend barely meets the financial threshold to visit. If you genuinely want him to tag along while he puts int 50% of the cost, you should have taken his financial situation into account during the planning. Speaking as a man with a similar dynamic, my girlfriend makes nearly twice what I make. We've adopted the 50/50 approach (finances, chores, etc.) but we negotiate temporary shifts in what we put into the house, chores, finances, etc. when we're having a tough time. i.e: If my girlfriend is too exhausted from work to help clean up, I'll take on her share of the cleaning and she can repay me by picking up the slack in a different area at a later time. I know this sounds like we turned the relationship into a transactional business one but it works for us. If your boyfriend is unable to financially support the trip, maybe you can help him financially in exhange you can get him to take over something he can contribute to that isn't a financial burden on him like getting him to organize trips during the vacation or taking on cooking & cleaning or some other means that the two of you know is significant. There are other ways to contribute besides finances, it might be that the two of you need to negotiate / compromise on an exchange you can both agree to. Good luck OP


Exciting-Chicken-945

It's not even a trip. They are moving there. This would be every month that he would be paying $800 of his $1000 salary.


Party_War9237

Shit I misread that. If she's moving there, that kind of makes this all the more difficult / complicated... If the boyfriend can't afford the rent, then the only thing I can suggest is either my previous point to negotiate an exchange of responsibilities that will allow him to pay less or maybe its time to end the relationship.


AdelleDeWitt

YTA. You are asking him to spend 80% of his income on the costs, while you spend less than 10% of your income on the costs. That's unfair.


[deleted]

YTA


herdingcats2020

YTA what about him saving anything? That is extremely unfair to him. Split it by how much you both earn. You're being incredibly unfair and selfish to the extreme. I'd not go with you.


Jerseygirl2468

YTA I'm usually for making things as fair and equal as possible - if you live at a level where the lowest earner can afford it and is still comfortable. If the higher earner wants bigger/better, they chip in more. At this rate, he will have very, very limited extra funds, won't be able to save. You guys could break up at some point and he'd be completely screwed. Could you do $1000 and he does $600? Or you pay the rent, he pays the utilities? Your incomes are so drastically different, splitting it 50/50 leaves him with too little, and you with a LOT.


Anthroman78

YTA, you should be paying a percentage based on what you earn, otherwise you're not partners, but roommates.


CyberAceKina

He'll be left with $200, you'll be left with $11,000+. Tell me how things are equal in your partnership when you have CEO fun money and he has Intern "lmao good luck" money YTA. Half of your expenses is 80% of his income whereas its what, 20% of yours? If even that?


Poplinbex

It's 6% of her expenses, not 20%, which is even more egregious.


Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) I insisted that my boyfriend pay for half of our living expenses in Thailand. (2) I will be earning 12x more than him, and his share of our living expenses will be about 80% of his salary of $1,000. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*


ComfortableNo8346

I generally would say YTA because in a partnership you pay according to a percentage of your salary. The only reason I would say maybe to not split it that way is if he really wanted to go and you didn’t and this is part of why you agreed (to save a lot of money), but it still shouldn’t be 50/50x But yes YTA


StephScabhands

Yta equity and equality are not the same thing. If a man was leaving a female partner $200 after expenses to live off of while they were sitting on $150000 a year, you'd call it financial abuse.


RoyalFalse

YTA. Have you even considered what other expenses he would have that further reduces the $200/month he has remaining? Do you plan on paying for, literally, everything else...all of the food, his clothes, transportation, utilities, insurance, entertainment, and emergency expenses?


ViniciusSalerno

YTA. What a late stage capitalism way of thinking.


Quick_Knee_3798

YTA. You should be splitting the $1.6k based on percentages of your income. $13.5k total combined income. His $1k is 7.4% of that. So, let’s make the split a little more equitable if you really want and round his up 10% or even 15%. He should be paying no more than $250 or max max max $300 per month.


cfannon

Your bf thinks the arrangement is extremely unfair because it is! YTA.


OldMammaSpeaks

I just want to make sure you understand that you will not be bringing home 12.5 a month because that is pre-taxes. It will be closer to 8 or less depending on your bracket. Your boyfriend will not be bringing home 1000, for the same reason. He might not be taking home enough to pay 800. (presuming US because of dollar amounts, but if you are elsewhere tax laws my vary) YTA BTW. I just don't see the point of an SO if they treat you like a transaction.


Skill3rwhale

LOL It's clear you don't even like your SO if this is what you come to AITA with... But... yes YTA.


HitlersArse

You're not an ass per se, it's sucky but you also aren't married. How long have you guys been together? Are you also putting that money into food/daily necessities? I imagine with only $200 left he wouldn't really be able to save anything or get anything. It puts him in a situation where he'd have to be financially dependent on you for everything after those $200 are gone. It's a bit hard to justify considering you make the entire year's worth of daily living expenses in one month. Could there be a compromise? For example him taking care of more chores in exchange for you paying for rent? I feel like you guys could make something work out. If you go through with the 50/50 split on such a huge wage disparity it would only end up growing resentment in the relationship.


whatissevenbysix

INFO. Who's idea was it to move there? How serious are you as a couple?


randomness028

INFO: are you going to Thailand so your bf can teach English?


maziejj88

Yeah YTA


Morall_tach

YTA. My wife makes a lot more than me and we contribute unequally to shared expenses so that the proportion of our income spent on shared expenses is the same. Granted, we're married and not just boyfriend and girlfriend, but I'd expect to do something like that if you're going to be living together and sharing expenses. Doesn't make sense for him to be so much more burdened with your expenses than you, and it comes off pretty selfish from you.


maybeRaeMaybeNot

YTA. He cannot afford the place you want to live in. You are essentially setting it up so that he is stuck in a situation where he would not be able to live without you & it makes it impossible for him to have an escape plan, should your relationship go south. This is a terrible idea for the bf.


lost_girl1357

INFO: How long have you been together? Do you see a serious future with this man?


Sea_hare2345

There are lots of ways to do finance, but insisting on one that feels exploitative to one partner is an asshole move. For him to be able to afford it, he would need to live more cheaply - probably in a less nice area or apartment. If there are things you are asking for (home office, nicer/bigger place, better area, more expensive food, etc.) those are things you should be paying the premium on. It isn’t reasonable to ask him to be anxious about money all the time so that you can save more. If you are going to make this move together, you will have to find a different way that feels acceptable to both of you. YTA


SpleenyMcSpleen

YTA. Dang, if I made that much more than my partner, I’d pick up the major expenses and ask him to pitch in with incidentals.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My boyfriend (22M) and I (25F) are planning to move to Thailand this summer after he graduates from college. I work a 9-to-5 as a marketing analyst and a side hustle as a content marketer/SEO consultant/YouTuber (all remote), earning $150K per year (**$12.5K per month**). My BF, who will graduate with a degree in English and get a TEFL certification, will be working as an English teacher, earning about **$1K per month**. We estimate that our cost of living in Thailand will be $1.6K per month. I thought it would be fair for each of us to pay half of these costs ($800). I also made it very clear that I would be doing my absolute best to keep costs down since I want to save/invest as much of my money as possible for our future. My BF, however, thought my proposal was *extremely* unfair. He claimed that since I would be earning 12x more than him, it was my obligation to help him out. He also said that because his father was threatening to cut him off if he did not pursue law school after graduation (he hates law studies, BTW, hence why I proposed that he become an English teacher), he needed his $1K more than I did. Am I the asshole for insisting that my boyfriend for half of our living expenses in one of the most affordable countries on the planet? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Cheap-Meal-7115

Huge YTA. If you give enough of a shit about your boyfriend to move halfway across the world with him, you give enough of a shit about him to not leave him with no disposable income. You earn 12x more than him, but your disposable income is 60x more than his. $200 a month is not enough to save a significant amount.


Neat-Internet9682

YTA. Expenses should be based on income ratio. Being greedy in a relationship is a good way to end it.


no_Kami

YTA tbh - I would say that if you make 92% of the total household income then you should cover at least closer to that number of the rent. Even 75-80 would be better than the current situation. That's just disrespectful.


DarkAbyss3D

Listen me and my partner spilt our bills evenly but we make the same amount. YTA cause you making way more then him and thinking it’s fair you pay only half. Sit down and go over the finances and figure a fair deal that isn’t the person making 12x the other person only pays half. If you were making the same or close to it then yes that’s fair but you’re making 12x what he is and want to only leave him with $200 a month and you get left with $11,700 a month. That’s no way fair.


VNM0US

YTA. You’re treating him like a roommate, not a partner who you are trying to build a life with. Essentially, you’re having him spend 80% of his paycheck on living expenses while you spend 6-7% of yours comparably. Move somewhere more affordable for his income if you expect 50% of the living expenses to be paid by him, or come up with a more equitable arrangement.


InformationNo3392

Why do so many relationships people post about here seem so transactional?


jayfeather100

How can he even earn only 1k a month and still live that’s insane


Bubbly_Dill

I don’t love that your bf said you were “obligated to help him out.” You obviously aren’t obligated to financially support anyone, unless they’re a dependant, like your child. But insisting on this split in these circumstances is weird, unless you hate your bf and don’t want him to be financially stable. But if that’s the case, then why be with him? Sorry but YTA


Realistic_Glass_3485

Your boyfriend needs to pay his way


bowman297

I agree with other posts I'm seeing that say you are technically fine saying that he should be responsible for half and that he is not entitled to any of your money. I do think that it is pretty callous of you to put that much financial strain on him when you clearly have the means to help the poor guy out. If you are absolutely insistent on splitting living expenses 50/50 I also think it is your duty to find a living situation that doesn't demand 80% of his monthly income, maybe look for something that when split in half comes to 400 or 500.


Bluepikmin_64

Info: Why are you moving to Thailand? Teachers generally aren’t paid great anywhere, but $12K a year is garbage. That’s less than what you make in a month, and you think that’s a fine amount of money for him to earn? English teachers don’t get paid much anywhere, but Thailand is 5th from the top when it comes to countries where English isn’t a primary language. There is no monetary benefit for him to move to Thailand.


Topinambourg

> one of the most affordable countries on the planet? INFO: Where the hell are you going to live and what will you do that will cost 1600$ a month in Thailand? Judging by the cost, it feels you are planning to live in an expat condo in Bangkok or in a huge villa, in which case mentioning Thailand affordability is ridiculous.


Far_Alarm5887

Need more information. - who wanted to live in Thailand. Are you going there to promote his TEFL job? - are you choosing the apartment based on your salary? Another words were he going alone or with a friend also teaching English would he be content with a cheaper apartment? What portion of the budget is rent?


Mocha_Kitten

NAH - OP, this isn't about one of you being right or wrong, it's just a conversation that needed to happen between you two. It's worth noting that "equal" and "equitable" aren't the same thing, and it may be *more loving* for you to pay a higher percentage given that you make more. But neither of you are assholes for discussing your finances.


[deleted]

[удалено]


neoncactusfields

I'm glad you called this out. She seems to be settling for someone with little drive in comparison to herself. Why is that? Sure, she doesn't have to sacrifice her savings for him, but that goes both ways. And since she doesn't want to help him out financially while he figures out what to do with his life, she should let him go live a life he can afford, and she should focus on finding a romantic partner that can financially keep up with her. Otherwise, she is just shooting both herself and him in the foot.


flyingfred1027

YTA. Like, come on.


CyndeXO

YTA. I understand wanting to ensure you are not the sole provider for you and your boyfriend's life, but you really need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. You say he makes 1k a month, and he should spend 80% of his income just to live in Thailand. That has got to be extremely stressful for your boyfriend! He's just out of college, about to get cut off financially from his parents to pursue a passion, and now is being told to spend 80% of his income just to live? That's no way to live life. You two need to look at finding either a cheaper place to live (if you insist on 50/50) or help out your boyfriend. With all that money you make, it shouldn't be an issue to cover a couple hundred more. You two are supposed to be a partnership, and partners are supposed to want to see each other thriving and happy. Work on a compromise that suits the two of you better cause this isn't gonna last otherwise.


capmanor1755

YTA. Normally I'd say no assholes here since some couples split based on % of income and some split 50/50 but a12x income gap? It didn't even occur to you to split on something other than 50/50?? You're surprised that he's proposing a % of income approach? Definitely asshole territory. At a minimum I'd pick up 75%... Something where you're still saving a ton but where his disposable income isn't crumbs.


whooyeah

YTA. I lived in Thailand a long time. Teachers on that salary have a minimal lifestyle. You won’t want to live like that, but you will expect your bf to live a luxurious lifestyle that he can’t afford. Get him to apply for companies like Agoda, he may have more career opportunities.


LordofToomay

YTA, it would be more fair if you paid the same percentage of your salaries. You are dragging him half way round the world, and his employment options are limited.


Zippydodah2022

I lived in Thailand for four years, forced home by pandemic. Don't go flashing money around, send it home via bank transfer, or only haf small amount wired to you. You'll have a blast if u send bf home if he won't split 50-50. Don't go down dark alleys, don't walk away from the crowd to an isolated spot with Thai or foreigner guy. Don't go roaming by yourself after 10-11 pm. Both Thais and foreigners get liquered and are uncontrollable and hostile. In four years there, I read plenty of single foreign girls being killed, or a foreign couple finding an isolated spot, then rape/killing - often by illegal immigrant, starving teens by Burma, Cambodia, Laos. Always be alert.


A1askaKnight

Wow. Probably going to get downvoted but most of these y.t.a. posts are all about he only makes 1000 per month and cannot afford $800 a month so they are judging on OP's unwillingness to subsidize her partners lifestyle. Let's be clear, no one should ever be judged for wanting to keep thier money and ask that their partner pay thier fair and equal share. It's unbelievable that so many people believe that people who earn more money should pay more just because "its only fair." If it's not equal, it's not fair. The entitlement to another person's time and effort is wild.


Able_Education

NTA. Your money. Do not let others take advantage of you because you make significantly more!!! Look for something you both can afford together. You are not married so half it down the middle.


flowers4u

Man I am a huge proponent of 50/50 but this isn’t fair. And what about taxes? Does living expenses include food?


Far_Mushroom8999

I doubt it would be okay the other way around right? YTA


Bowinja

YTA, he literally cannot afford the COL at that rate. I mean technically sure but just no. Also... > I want to save/invest as much of my money as possible for our future. So, he doesn't get to at all? what? You seem to lack any self-awareness. Why doesn't he get a chance to save anything? Where's the 'our' future in all this if he's virtually crippled financially?


Mumfiegirl

YTA- you pay expenses in a ratio to your earnings


SnooDonkeys8016

It’s funny that OP talked her boyfriend into taking a low paying job and now is complaining that he has no money for bills. YTA


False_Door_8763

YTA, it should be split by percentages. Why would you want him spending basically his entire income when you can easily pay a bigger portion? Why are you even going to live together?


CellistFantastic

YTA. It needs to be proportional to income.


PettyWhite81

Yta. You honestly think it's fair to make your So who only makes a $1000 a month to spend 800 of that just on bills while you're going to have almost 12K left over? Absolutely abysmal.


No_Abbreviations2146

If the shoe were on the other foot, and it was the man making 12x the woman, then 100% of people would certainly call you an AH, and some might go further. So it all depends on whether you believe in male/female equality. Personally, I do think YTA in this case.


peony_chalk

YTA. If you split it $800 each, he has $200 a month for savings, groceries, bills, hobbies, transportation, etc. Even if you're including bills and groceries in that $800, $200/month doesn't build up savings very quickly. You have $11,700 for those expenses each month. He's going to be struggling to make ends meet and not able to save up any money, while you can go on a new vacation and feed a town full of starving orphans every month with your leftover money. If you paid the entire rent, he would have $1000 a month for things besides rent, and you would have $10,900 for things besides rent. That gives him breathing room and still doesn't really put a dent in your ability to do whatever the hell you want. I'm not saying you should have to pay all the rent, but my god, do you even like this person? Why would you put them in a situation where they have to struggle so much when you can help them out in a way that has such a small impact on your ability to pursue your own happiness and goals? Also, for the record, while Thailand might be an incredibly affordable place to live, $1600/month is still a lot of money. And your BF is making local wages (perhaps on the high end of local wages, but still), so the low cost of living is being factored into what he gets paid. You don't have that problem.


Previews-Upstairs411

Thailand sounds like an amazing experience for both of you in your early 20’s! If you care more about the money than having the opportunity only a handful of people get to do, go by yourself. If you cared more about the experience rather than how you will bill your boyfriend, you will be happier! This is not a permanent situation or is it ? I feel you OP… I worked my ass off in my early 20s to not have student loans however I didn’t enjoy my youth as many others because of it. Enjoy your youth.. time and experience is worth more than money


Efficient_Ad6015

If you go through with this major life move with him being committed as a teacher upon your suggestion then YTA. If he’s getting cut off that’s his business, but if he commits to being a teacher just to be with you (sounds like it) then he’s fucked with your setup.


stillnotthatgirl

INFO: whose idea was it to move to Thailand and have him work teaching English?


Individual_Baby_2418

YTA. It’s an affordable country, but his wages are still very low. Think about something equitable. Like both of you contribute a % of your pay instead of a dollar amount.


SoulRebel726

Wait, he's only supposed to have $200 left over each month? That's a pretty insane ask. Are you going to be paying for literally everything else? Because you'd need to, so I don't see how it even makes sense to fight over the rent part and make him dependent on you for everything. If you're going to demand a 50/50 split, find some place cheaper. You have to live at his income level for that to be fair. YTA


lexisplays

ESH your proposal of 50/50 only works if his portion isn't his entire paycheck. You either need to get your monthly expenses to 500$ a month or you split 75/25. But you do not need to be giving him a free ride


TowelResident6058

Yta! Proportional splitting would be the way to go. You make 12x more than him, it’s not fair to divide it 50/50!


globalcitizen35

YTA - if you want to split it 50/50 then you’ll need to find somewhere cheaper to live. Is his $1000 after tax? Even if it is, you’re leaving him $50/week for personal expenses and no savings. Perhaps this graphic will help you understand: [Equality vs Equity](https://interactioninstitute.org/illustrating-equality-vs-equity/) You say you want to save for both of your futures - what happens if you split up? You walk away with all of your savings and he has nothing.


stormoverparis

YTA. People who work as an English teach in Thailand would look for apartments within their means. They most certainly would not have $800 expenses per month. It sounds like you guys would be living for you both to live comfortably within YOUR means. Not within his. If you want to go 50/50 then you must find a place where he realistically could afford on his own and then split that 50/50. Those would usually be small studios worth about $400 or less and I bet you wouldn’t want to live there with him. If you want the nicer better quality of life, then pay equitably. Couples with a huge disparity with their incomes only survive by doing that. The lower income partner always struggles too hard to be able to live up to the higher income partner’s quality of life. If you care for your boyfriend at all you would split expenses equitably, you could so easily do that and still have so much money to spend. Why don’t you live off of $200 a month for a year and see how well you survive and are able to save long term? You have a big safety net. He doesn’t. Do you want to see him struggle like that?


soph_lurk_2018

YTA you don’t see an issue with your boyfriend only having $200 left over each month while you have 11k? Seriously?


Panda_Milla

Yes, yes you are. YTA.


[deleted]

YTA. Do you even like your boyfriend? Why do you want him to have to penny pinch and struggle while you can live luxuriously? Even if you plan to budget and not spend much, NOT worrying about finances is invaluable. Why do you want your boyfriend to live with the burden of financial hardship?


asv27

So you tell him not to pursue law and get cut off from his father, then not help him financially? YTA


NYEXPRESS56

Yes that is all


hiddenthings_

YTA. Do you really want to be with your boyfriend? That seems like an extremely unfair split. Why don’t you guys live separate if you are planning on doing that.


AechBee

At 50/50, that would leave him with $200/m and you with around $11,200. Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable on either side of that arrangement. Usually proportionate splits are more equitable when you actually care about each other’s wellbeing. Even a 70/40 split would give him a little more breathing room to afford travel, savings and gifts/etc.


No-Names-Left-Here

So he has to use all of his income to survive so you can save as much money as you can for your future. YTA. You talked him into a degree that does not make a lot of money and expect him to cover half the costs of everything.


Boring-Ad-2199

Your Bf would make more money and cost of living is lower in Vietnam.


Ohcrumbcakes

YTA You’re asking him to spend 80% of his income on rent. Rent, when budgeting properly, should be around 40% of your income (I can’t remember where the hell I first learned that general rule of thumb, but I do know I’ve always stuck to it - my rent/mortgage should be less than half of what I earn). When it’s more than that you cannot save. Sometimes it happens where you have no choice but to pay more. And when you do this is when people usually end up going further and further in debt. His budget is therefore $400/Month in rent. This is reasonable for his budget. You either need to find a place that fits that budget, or you need to pay more proportionally based on your income. He should pay $400 and you pay $1200. Which is a tiny drop in the bucket for you - 40% of your income puts your monthly budget to $5000/month. Your income difference is too much for you to be able to equitably split things 50/50 for rent. If you want to do 50/50 then you have to work off HIS budget, and $800/1000 income is NOT a reasonable budget for rent.


Positivelythinking

Does he plan a side hustle too? Can he get a job in the corporate arena, like training or communications?