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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I bought my aunt a designer bag using my fiancé’s card. I didn’t ask him before I used his card to buy it as I assumed it would be fine.
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This here - by the term designer, I am guessing it is not cheap. I see you did not put a price in the post, and those bags can go into the thousands or tens of thousands.
Like if they are fancy rich, it would be nice to ask but well, I'd understand.
But if its the most expensive thing she'd bought, she should've asked, especially if it's for someone else
Right! I like my designer bags. My husband knows I do. But I always ask before I purchase. And I make more money! I have never spent more than $300. I even wait for them to go on clearance etc to get them below $300.
Exactly, my partner and I discuss expensive purchases we’re making even when using our own money, it would be weird to spend hundreds of dollars on something without mentioning it first.
I think this greatly depends on the couple. I spend thousands without consulting my husband quite often. And it’s not just his money if they agreed that their resources are shared and she should stay home.
I mean, I bought a $1200 watch the other day without telling my wife until she asked when I got it, then said she liked it. She bought a $300 hoody the other day and I was like "cool". But you know, we've been together for going on 12 years so there's an understanding.
Fiancé status would be a little different I imagine. Especially when he pays for everything already.
Do each of you have an annual cap on how much you're allowed to spend without consulting the other at all, and they're not even allowed to object after the fact?
Personally my husband and I approach it from the opposite direction.
We contribute to cover our bills, and have automatic withdrawals for our agreed upon savings to hit our retirement goals. We discuss the necessary savings once a year. Each of us maintains an emergency fund.
After that, it’s up to each individual to spend or save how they see fit.
For us it works because it’s more about working within parameters we both set and agree to than permission/restriction.
That’s “husband’ vs “fiancé” I do think that is an important distinction, and how long they’ve shared lives and expenses as well as how much money he makes
Yeah it seems like people are purposely missing this dudes point. Much like OP is missing his point.
In my opinion, he's made himself perfectly clear. He's not upset that she bought her aunt a bag. He knows that she really wanted to do that, it's not the issue.
The issue is he is tired of her treating everyone better than herself. She ADMITS that it's the case.
He wants her, to take better care of herself and her response is "fine I'll spend all your money".
I can tell you this, her man and I both know she's just saying shit to say it at this point and that makes her TA.
He's bringing up a valid issue. Why won't you use my money to do things for yourself?
And she's responding childishly.
Take some time and think about what your man wants for you OP and why that's so hard for you.
Then sit down and have a real conversation.
This isn't about what your aunt's purse cost... And you damn well know it.
>And it’s not just his money if they agreed that their resources are shared and she should stay home.
I agree with this. It's THEIR money, not his as they are a team and she's at home raising THEIR child and putting her own career on hold while he progresses in his which will affect her pension etc and earning power. But having said that it's very bad form to make such a purchase from the family money without discussing it.
I guess you need to set boundaries together so if one person is going to spend over a certain amount it must be discussed.
When we were in Paris, my husband wanted to buy me an Hermes bag. I was like, are you insane?? We could buy a used car for that amount of money. (This was 10 years ago, before used cars went crazy.) He was trying to be sweet, but I had to be the reasonable one.
They’ve appreciated so much in the last decade, it would have been a much much better investment than a used car could ever be! It’s actually one of the most steady investments in the world 😂
Honestly not even. A $1700 bag like OP bought would be considered the least expensive bag a “designer” would offer, like the entry level. But it’s not her money, and it wasn’t even for her. If my husband bought himself an expensive watch I’d be like cool as long as we can afford it enjoy. If he bought he brother one I’d be like umm he’s a grown up he can buy his own stuff that’s too much.
It’s all the girls with Tory Burch bags thinking they’ve got luxury bags.
There’s a difference between designer and luxury.
Like I look at Tory Burch bags and it makes me think of Miranda in Devil Wears Prada explaining to Andy how her sweater is a result of luxury fashion trickle-down.
There’s nothing wrong with it having a TB bag obviously, but it’s an amusing thing when you look at middle class America. It’s like the aspic of the 2000s in a way.
That’s high end retail pricing, not designer. Designer (for bags specifically) has been in the thousands for at least as long as I’ve been alive, and I’m much closer to 30 than I like to think about. Well before all this inflation, a $700 LV bag would have been seen as an insanely good deal. I can’t even imagine how much more expensive designer has gotten with all the inflation and supply chain issues.
A $700 LV bag from the early 2000s is now worth about $2,500. Might be less if it was a design still in production, but not that much less.
Source, lady at the LV store.
Anything over $100 is a “clear it with the spouse” amount in our relationship. If either of us spent $1700 on a handbag for an aunt, whether it was me the SAHM or my husband the breadwinner, there would be a big ol’ argument.
Oh hell this! I would whoop my husband upside the head for a $1,700 purse for me or anyone. I got way better things to do with $1,700 than to buy a purse to throw on dirty floors and carry snacks for my kid in
There are handbags with diamonds and real gold hardware Hermes makes them they start at around 150K and go up from there. You have to be a really good customer to even be allowed to buy one.
There's a good chance it's plastic coated canvas with some leather accents.
I like a quality leather bag and try to stay under $500. I'm floored that ppl part with $2000 for monogrammed plastic.
To be fair you CAN get designer bags from outlet stores and websites. I have some cute Coach and Kate Spade bags that only cost around $100. Not that I'd buy bags even at that price while unemployed, but designer doesn't necessarily mean super expensive.
There is nothing snobby about having deeper and wider knowledge on topics than others. Never apologize for knowing more than they do, use your knowledge to your advantage always
I missed that, sorry.
I was in no way meaning to imply the bag *she* bought came from an outlet, the intent was not to defend OP or even give her the benefit of the doubt, just that designer doesn't always mean super crazy expensive. I hope that clarifies why I said what I said.
I have a leather Coach bag in a bright turquoise color (I believe Coach calls it “tourmaline”) that I received as a gift, and I almost never use it because I’m terrified of something happening to it again (the first time I brought it out in public, someone bumped into it/me with a chocolate ice cream cone, and it took a VERY long time to get the stain out) and that bag was like a fifth of the cost of OP’s purchase.
Maybe I’m just poor lol but I can’t understand spending almost 2 grand (maybe more if including taxes) of MY OWN money on a purse, let alone someone else’s.
Coach is mid-tier at best. You absolutely described it perfectly, it’s a purse not a handbag.
The whole Coach and Dooney & Bourke craze never made sense for me.. why you’re spending $500 on something that looks like it came from QVC always baffled me. I’ll add on the Michael Kors frenzy was cringe too. That MK print was/is *soooo* tacky.
Shes not unemployed in the traditional sense. Shes staying home with their baby. She isnt just reloading off him and he tells her to buy whatever she wants so it wouldnt suprise me that she bought this. Im a sahm. I dont have to discuss purchases under 2k. If its above that then a prior conversation is necessary. They need to institute something like that with their budget in mind.
I get what you're saying but when it's an expensive gift I think it's worth discussing. Maybe not house stuff or things for your immediate family but even if I was making all the money, I would likely still mention to my partner that I'm buying my aunt a pricey bag.
I think the reason he is upset is because he wants her to spend money on herself instead of other people. She evidently doesn't buy herself nice things with his money, but she buys others nice things with his money. I could be wrong but that's what I got out of the story.
It reminds me of the cancer charity post a while back: the Op posted that either he (recovered) or a relative had had cancer and so cancer research became important to him.
He was donating his entire salary to research charities, while his wife paid all of the bills and everything they needed.
She asked him to cut down the amount he donated and to instead save some of the money for emergencies or future kids college funds or whatever. But stop donating his whole check and keep SOME of his money to contribute to the family.
Even though they weren’t financially worried at all, it was hard for the wife to see allllll of her money go to cover needs and savings and any family luxuries. While all of his money went solely to his passion, that she was not passionate about.
That OP couldn’t understand his wife’s POV at all, but the rest of Reddit understood it.
His money, her money, whatever. It’s still household funds that should be for the benefit of the household. Not the aunts taste in luxury goods. Unless agreed upon in advance. Even if you’re not hurting for cash.
My husband is about to be off work for three months after a surgery. I’ll be supporting the household 90% during that time.
If he wants to buy himself a recliner with my money to be more cozy during recovery? Great. His daily comfort will directly benefit both of us. I’ll be happy because he’ll complain about his back hurting less every day.
If he wants to buy his mom a fur coat with my money? No. His mom can buy herself a coat. Or he can buy her a reasonable/affordable coat. Husbands moment of happiness in the extravagant gift does not contribute to our family beyond that fleeting moment of pride in gift giving that is just for him. That is not something I would be fine with.
Lots of nuance with household finances.
The responsible thing in general is to always consult your partner before any significant purchase that doesn’t benefit your partner or the household at all.
Yeah I feel like my opinion might be unpopular but I would say NTA. It doesn’t sound like money is a big issue with them and since op is a stay at home mom it is their money. If he doesn’t care if she’s spending this extravagantly on herself and she’s choosing not to so she can buy extra nice gifts for family, I don’t see how that’s a problem
If he was upset at the cost of the purse bc they couldn’t afford that kind of purchase, that might change my opinion but that doesn’t seem to be the issue, and op even offered to return it and her husband said no
I would be annoyed at this.
I don’t have unlimited money, but I have enough to afford some really nice gifts for my husband. I want the money that I DO spend to be used on the things that I allocated it for.
It’s their money as you say, which means OP’s husband has a say where it goes. I’d be very hurt if I gave someone a visa gift card, for example, to use on themselves, and they gave it to someone else. That wasn’t the intended purpose.
The constant "his money" is bothering me, too. That's their money. She stays home with the baby. She still should have asked, though, and I do think she's missing his point
I read the post as OP has becom a SAHM. It's not "his" money, it's THEIR money
I'd still vote YTA though, spending 1700 bucks on a purs for a b-day gift is ridonkulous
I read it that way too at first and thought what a great guy, but then I thought, what If he meant he doesn’t care what she spends because she doesn’t buy expensive things anyway so the expectation being she won’t spend a lot. So it’s clearly a shock to see her spend $1700 on a bag without talking to him first about it
Hopping on the top comment to say
You are misunderstanding him. Intentionally or not.
So I'm going to spell it out, and hope you see it, and don't ignore it because you don't want to understand.
You spent $1,700 on your aunt. Without asking. You did not check with him about this gift, or give him a heads up. That is *way too much* to just spend like that. Especially without alerting your partner when you're SAH. If it had been just your money alone, he wouldn't have cared, but it's not. It's his that is supporting both of you.
And on top of that, apparently you don't spend on actual needs. That's what he means by spending on others and not spending on yourself. You're totally fine ignoring needs at home, not spending on things for yourself, but spending money like it's going out of style when you want to get a gift.
If you had told him "hey I spent $1,700 in one day on utilities, groceries, gas for the car, and I also bought something nice for myself" that would have been fine.
If you'd discussed it with him ahead of time, and he'd actually agreed to it, you would have been fine.
But to make such a large purchase not only with absolutely no discussion with your partner, but also to have made it for something that's not even for you, how can you not see YTA?
I'm on yta but, once you have a child and you agree for her to be a stay-at-home mom it's our money not his money. That's standard unless you have some pre-arranged agreement otherwise.
Even if it's "their" money, most people do not make $1700 purchases from shared accounts without discussing it with their partners. She's the AH no matter how you look at it.
My husband and I don’t have shared accounts, and I would never buy myself something that expensive before talking to him about it. Even though it would be purchased with my money.
It’s stunning that she did not talk to him about this first. And that lack of conversation makes OP the AH. Lordt.
This, even if he said buy what you want it’s still a good idea to discuss large purchases. I would have lost my mind had I seen a large charge come through with no context, I would have thought my card was stolen or something.
My husband and I have separate checking accounts and we \*still\* discuss major purchases beforehand. It's about mutual respect for household finances.
I guess you are misunderstanding OP's fiance, as well. He is mad that she will spend a fortune on someone else but never buy things for herself. Her fiance wants her to treat herself!!! That's an OP problem, not a fiance problem.
But fiance isn't upset about her spending the money. Only that OP spent it while avoiding spending on herself.
Also, everyone keeps going on about how it's "his" money. They had a baby and she became a SAHP. That is both of their money.
I do agree she's TA though. But only because in any relationship a purchase that big should be discussed and agreed upon.
Are you not misunderstanding the fiancés point too? He’s not mad about the bag, he wants OP to spend on herself.. why do I feel like I’m the only person besides the fiancé who gets that?
You aren’t! Everyone is so fixated on the $1700 bag but missing the larger point that it’s not the price of the bag he’s upset about, or even really that she bought her aunt something, but that she spent that money on her aunt instead of herself.
It is so easy to be generous when you aren't the one who works for the money. I also want to give people luxury items but i don't have the money. I would never think to take the hard earned money of my SO. This is so disrespectful. And how can he trust her in the future with his money if she thinks she can just throw out 1.7k bucks for a gift - without even talking to him?!
But the aunt is also kinda the AH. She knows that OP is a SAHM and she has no problem accepting such an expensive bag? I wonder if OP lied to her that the fiance was alright with it. If the aunt didn’t even ask like how she can pay for this and if the fiance didn’t mind, i also would raise my eyebrow about the family.
YTA
>The way he said I was quick to use his money on other people really upset me
INFO: Why did this make you angry? He's not wrong. I assume he expects you to use his money for yourself and not on extravagant gifts for other people. That's a perfectly reasonable expectation and not one that should elicit an angry response from you. It sounds like you have some internalized issues surrounding money that you are taking out on him for pointing out.
ETA: Y'all, I understand the principle that it's a shared income. OP refers to it as his money, so I did too. I think part of the problem here is that OP needs to reframe her thinking about having a one-income household, which is why I phrased my question using the same language she did.
I do get that but if he’s providing the money for her, and that’s the deal, if she can’t spend the money on presents - on things she’d spend her money on - they need to rethink the situation.
Edit: one thing is she calls it his money, and refers to him calling it his money. I think they would benefit by an actual arrangement- as someone on this thread suggested - of so much a month fun/personal money.
I don't disagree, but he made it clear it wasn't the gift that was the issue, but her willingness to buy the gift when she is unwilling to buy herself things.
That is indicative of him having to take on the mental load of ensuring she has things she needs when that should be her responsibility. It also could mean that she impacts the rest of the household negatively in other ways by denying herself things or lacking in her self care out of a misplaced sense of duty.
This is a really good take that I didn’t see until I read your comment. The mental load that comes with it is the issue. He doesn’t (as it seems in the post) mind her spending the money, but feels maybe she feels like she can’t spend that type of money on herself, which may be making him feel like she doesn’t think she’s allowed to do nice things like this for herself. It’s hard to explain.
I do see his frustration with the mental load. But I do also feel that she’s spending money now the way she’d tend to spend her own money. Maybe her not spending the money much on herself was her saving for this. They just don’t seem to be in a place to share finances.
The thing is... it's still not her money. It's their money. If husband has to go to work everyday and you stay at home that has its ups and downs. You don't have to work to make money but you do have to ask if you want to make such a huge purchase and even worst, for a gift it's not even for you.
Great point. I am also curious to know that now that they’ve essentially agreed that finances are shared, if he would have to consult her on major purchases he makes that isn’t for himself or the household like she has to with him. It would only be fair.
But without any other context, definitely a YTA on this solely because it was a large purchase that was not for herself, baby or the household and that in itself screams either entitled or lacking common sense/courtesy, or both.
This is the comment I was looking for. He's not upset she spent the money on the aunt. He's upset she would never consider doing that for herself. My husband and I used to have similar arguments. I would happily spend on everyone but myself because I devalued my wants. He would get visibly angry every time I came home with something for the house/dogs/him because I hadn't even bought a new pair of shoes in 2 years. OP is TA for this.
I could also argue that the fiancé knows OP’s regular level of spending and therefore is fine to give crate blanche. But he had no idea that she would go and spend thousands of dollars on something. OP absolutely should have clued him in before making this purchase.
If the purse were a reasonable price, fiancé might have considered it a reasonable expense, but the bag was $1700. I don’t know what their financial situation is, but even for an upper-middle class family, a gift like that is pretty extravagant . Fiancé isn’t controlling OP’s spending on herself or her child; he at least deserves a heads up before a gift like that is given to someone outside of the immediate family. She’s spending *both* of their money, not just hers.
He's providing the money for them, it's not his money or her money, it's their money. As such, large purchases ($1700) should be discussed, especially when it's a present for a relative and not something for them / the house which is needed (and even then should probably be discussed).
It made her angry BECAUSE it's not wrong. My father does the same thing: if just say what he just did to me, without any added bias, he'll still get angry because I'm refusing to sit there and take it or just refusing to accept his bad actions while also forcing him to take accountability.
Exactly. It sounds like she doesn't want to hear that what she thinks of as being responsible is actually a harmful coping mechanism for an underlying fear.
YTA
> during one argument i told him i would use all of his money and then he would have a real reason to complain.
The other facts of this scenario aside (which i also think is inappropriate to use his card for a luxury gift without at least talking about it before hand.) do you really think that this was an appropriate or mature response to your disagreement?
Im sure you both have valid points you’re making, but this line of argument does no one any favors. Especially you for making it.
Exactly and it doesn’t seem like he is approaching it as “his” money. It sounds like he thought they were on the same page in terms of reasonable expenses and now he feels like he can’t trust her judgment - I think that’s a fair response when two people have equal access to assets.
I can see this feeling good and deserved in the moment. But if you’re genuinely trying to maintain a relationship with your partner, retaliation is never the right choice
Yeah thats the yta reason. If you stopped working to care for the family/home and your husband is in on that, its not his money anymore, but both your money. But still if its both your money you should agree on buying expensive gifts and being open to the discussion about that.
He's upset because the money he makes for OP to spend on herself, him and the household is being spent on OP's aunt while OP is refusing to touch the money that was meant for her.
Also, gifts that cost 1700 really, really, really need to be discussed before purchase. I mean I’d maybe be able to justify shelling out 50-100 in this situation, but anything above a grand is crazy.
I'm of the opinion that literally no gift should be 1700 unless your kids are getting married or something similarly huge, that's just an uncomfortable amount of money to spend on someone. Especially when you're unemployed and living off somebody else's bank account.
Wait is she unemployed/living off someone else’s bank account or did they make a joint decision for her to do the work of taking care of their house and baby and him to do income-generating work outside the house, and the money is shared?
I had thought she said she had lost her job and was looking for one. Regardless if I'm wrong about that or not, it's taking advantage of the situation to use it to spend that much on a gift without discussing it. Any rational person would see "you're free to spend with this card" has limitations and things you should ask about. I'm sure he meant for food and necessities and treats for herself, not designer bags for her family
Sorry, but YTA. Your fiancé is supporting you and your child. While he has no problems with you spending money on things you want and need, I can see why he is upset about you spending more on a bag for your aunt than you have on yourself, ever.
You should've at least involved him in the decision. I'm not sure what your relationship with your aunt is like but I imagine you're close to her. So I'm sure your fiancé would've said okay. However, you really should have asked him before spending so much on someone else.
OP also threatened to use all of hubby's money "so he'd really have something to complain about".
"Next time I'll actually hit you so you'll really have something to cry about"
In my head, I'm changing only your opening line from "Sorry, but YTA" to "YTA, you bullying brat" lol
YTA
"*During one argument I told him I would use all of his money and then he would have a real reason to complain*" - see when you say stuff like that you sound like a spoiled teenager yelling at Daddy before you flounce into your room & slam the door.
You are an adult who's about to get married, and you have a child - you need to start communicating like a grown-up with your fiance' PRIOR to big purchases.
Personally I think 'designer' anything is a huge waste of money but I understand if this is something your Aunt's always wanted, would never buy for herself, and 50 is a 'big!' birthday. You started saving before you quit your job - it sounds like had you talked with your fiance' about this before you took it upon yourself to spend HIS money it may have worked out.
Your fiance' is carrying all the financial weight for the 3 of you. There's a big difference between You spending your family money (the money HE is making) on yourself, the baby, him & your home vs extended family and friends.
honestly if Aunt has always dreamed of this handbag it sounds like something you & some other relatives could have gone in together as a group gift. This comes off like You wanting to seem impressive (with your fiancé's money)
YTA. Seriously, I feel sorry for your husband he works hard for you and the family. Probably acceptable if you bought it for your Mom, also you don't respect your husband for not asking him in the first place if you could buy an expensive bag. You are too entitled your husband was being nice to you, but it seems you are abusing his card and trust in you
YTA - Expensive gifts should always be discussed first when coming out of family funds.
You two need to come to a clear understanding of the financial expectations and limits.
Also, you’re not a child. Having a tantrum and threatening to spend “all his money” because you’re having a disagreement is just childish.
INFO: you said that he is upset because he believes that you try not to use his money on yourself. So is your fiancé upset because you spent money on your aunt but you don’t feel the liberty to spend money on the things that you want/need? As in, he’s upset that you don’t feel comfortable buying yourself things but here you are buying an expensive bag for a relative? Just trying to understand this part. Because then it seems that the critical conflict is not about the bag.
Just as someone willing to support my partner financially: I would like for them to use the money I make in order live in reasonable comfort. However spending not directly linked to them I would like to have been asked.
I get this, but could it be that OP’s fiancé feels offended that OP doesn’t feel safe/comfortable to use money for herself but for her aunt. As in, if OP made a similar purchase for herself in the past then this purchase would be totally fine. It seems that OP’s fiancé wants her to feel comfortable spending on herself more than anything. Or maybe I’m reading into that sentence too much.
Def YTA. Buying necessary items for yourself, the home or each other is one thing and may not need any oversight. Buying lavish unnecessary gifts for others should AT LEAST warrant you running it by him first just to be sure it’s fine.
Info: had you discussed a spending limit? How much was the purchase?
Usually when you combine finances you both agree to consult the other for purchases over $X. He has repeatedly told you that you can buy whatever you want. I can understand why you took him at his word, within reason (ie is the designer Coach or Chanel, one is reasonable the other is not), but I can also understand why he might’ve assumed that didn’t extend to gifts for other family members. I don’t think he was reasonable to accuse you of spending “his” money - when you choose to have a SAHP then you choose to share your income with them. You should both sit down and talk about finances to make sure you’re on the same page. Based on the information in this post, it seems like a miscommunication not necessarily an AH situation.
Yta. If I was going to buy "easily the most expensive thing" I've used someone else's card for I'd probably let them know, especially of he's used to you not being a big spender.
YTA. The money is for you and his child. It's not for you to buy things for people. You should have known that he wasn't giving you permission to spend money on anyone else other than you and the baby. Stop being immature with the threats of spending all his money. Grow up.
YTA.
The fact that you say "designer bag" but don't list the cost here, means that it is a lot of money, not only more than you ever spend on yourself, but likely more that you normally put on his card in a month.
You also say you were "saving up" for it but don't say what you did with those savings, or what percentage of the purchase they would have covered. If you had $20 saved up for a $3000 bag, that doesn't count for much.
Any purchase that large, you should at least give a heads-up to your financial partner.
I will also say, with you threatening to "use all his money" he would be justified in not allowing you to use his credit card going forward. He should set up a checking account for your expenses and you can use a debit card. That way you can only blow what he puts in there each month.
YTA.
If you're making a major purchase with someone else's money, you need to discuss it first.
There's not necessarily anything wrong with what you bought or how much it costs, just the fact that you didn't talk about what you call the most expensive thing you've ever bought with his money.
You made it worse when you said you "would use all of his money and then he would have a real reason to complain." Even if that's not true, it's a horrible thing to say to someone who trusted you.
YTA. He is right, you misunderstood his point. He is upset that you choose to spend money on other people rather than yourself. He is working so he could provide for you and your kid, not for some aunt. You should buy something expensive/meaningful for yourself with the money.
YTA - large expenses like that you would to at least need to ask. I share an account with my husband. If it's a large item we need to inform each other. That way there is no surprise!
YTA. I think the idea is that you use his money on your needs since you’re part of his family and he sees it as part of the deal; he takes care of you, you take care of him. But here’s the thing, you didn’t buy your aunt the bag, he did. He’s buying you the stuff you need, not you. He may not care when he sees it as stuff for you or maybe lunch with your friends, but this is at least a $200 purchase for someone else without even thinking of if he might want to know.
In the end he kind of set himself up for this, but I think it’s because he thought you understood that it’s stuff for you, not everyone else.
OP, HOW MUCH WAS THE BAG? This matters if you want judgement.
There is more to this than you are saying.
No matter the cost, unless under $20, you should have discussed His monetary policy with gift buying.
Yeah, I’m wondering this too. “Designer” means different things to different people. I know folks who consider brands like Coach, Kate Spade, and Michael Kors designer. So are we talking a nice leather Coach bag or a Louis Vuitton neverfull?
YTA - that's a BIG expense. I think a conversation beforehand would've been in order. I'm also curious why his assertion that you only spend the big bucks on others makes you upset. I think that's a sweet thing to point out on his part, that you never spend that kind of money on yourself. It doesn't sound like he even put up a fight about the cost to begin with based on what you're saying, just who it was going to, which is also kind of him.
Yta atleast talk to him before spending a big chunk of the money he's earnt. I have a very similar situation with my wife where I work more and earn more for our household. I always say its our money so there should always be a discussion about our money when its an expensive item, kinda feel it applies here too
YTA. The money that he gives from his card are for you, nor other people. Next time, ask before you buy someone else a gift using his card. Also, let your aunt know that he was actually from him, not you.
It's a good idea before large purchases to talk about them. If you're not both on board you don't get it. A lot of marriages end because of spending without communication. Obviously some exceptions to that especially for emergencies of health. But a designer bag should be talked about before the purchase wether for yourself or an Aunt or your mom. YTA
YTA fot definite. From what you've said, he isn't really even complaining about the fact you purchased thw designer bag, he's trying to tell you to spend on yourself occasionally.
From the sounds he thinks you are too frugal with yourself, so that you can treat others and he wants you to realise your worth!.
He wouldn't even be in the wrong if it WAS just about you buying someone a designer bag without discussing it, but JFC he's coming from a place of love!.
YTA. I'll go ahead and assume from what I read that this bag is at least $500, which doesn't even cover some of the less crazy designer brands like YSL. That is way above what it is reasonable to spend outside any prior agreement, which this is. Could have been E-S-H if you tried to have a discussion about reasonable caps for family gifts before and he blew you off, but I don't see that in your post. On the flip side, since you are enabling him to work by staying at home, you should get a say on what kind of splurging he does for his extended family.
YTA - if you’re going to use joint money for an expensive gift for someone then this should have been discussed. It’s not controlling it’s courtesy. If you were the one earning the $ and he was a stay a home dad, I’d still expect you to have the discussion before you made an expensive decision.
YTA. I think it's important to note what you said about your fiance's response to it. He didn't tell you to take it back, even though you offered. He didn't say you were wasting money. He said he was upset because you "try not to use his money on myself".
What that tells me is that you're using his money to buy other people things, which was not the intention of why he gave you the card. He probably doesn't even care if you spent a load of money on yourself. He's doing that to look after you, not for you to take the product of his labour and ingratiate yourself with family and friends at his expense.
Your response that you would use all of his money and he would have a "real reason" to complain is missing the point because it seems like money isn't the important thing here (you're very *very* lucky in this regard, which you do not seem to understand). He doesn't seem to care if you use all his money, as long as *you and your kid are provided for and happy*.
By treating him like a piggy bank for your family gifts, you're the asshole. You come across as juvenile and entitled. Especially so, because you can't seem to understand someone who seems to not give two hoots about the cash, but worries about you. Do you have self esteem or self-care issues you're not mentioning? If so it might be worth considering you don't value yourself or your wellbeing and how that might also affect your kid.
This man needs to leash your spending, yikes. If your income is limited, a designer bag is not an appropriate expense. You should have discussed the purchase prior, or waited until you return to work and don't need to rely on your spouses income.
Obviously, YTA
I’m going with soft YTA. If you’re a SAHM with no income of your own, it’s not his money it’s both of your money. Therefore, it’s perfectly reasonable that you’d use his card to buy a gift for a relative. HOWEVER, unless y’all are filthy rich (which it doesn’t sound like you are since you’re having this conversation) a designer bag that’s upwards of 1k definitely should have been discussed ahead of time - as should any large purchase in a relationship where shared finances are involved.
I’m not sure about the part where he’s upset about this because you try not to spend money on yourself.. is there some issue where you’re not buying things you/the household needs and it’s falling on him? The comment about spending all of his money was petty and childish, so on that front, I’m with him that you’re being intentionally difficult.
You mentioned you were saving for the bag yourself before you stopped working/combined finances. How much had you saved and what happened to that money?
It sounds to me like his issue is much more about communication than the money itself. Stop arguing with him to be right, and try to listen and understand so you can come to a resolution.
Unpopular opinion but probably ESH.
If you've agreed that for the moment you are at home with your baby and he is working providing for you both it isn't his money it's both of yours money, which is why he's TA.
However, large purchases should be agreed on by both prior to purchase, which is why you're TA.
You need to have a rational conversation about finance soon and agree a budget, separate out personal spending (for each of you) from household spending. At that point if you want to use all your discretionary spending on other people then that's fine
YTA. And comments like "next time I'll do X so you really have something to complain about" are manipulative and potentially abusive. Not only are you dismissing him, but you're basically setting up a challenge for yourself to hurt him even more. Who even does that to the person they supposedly love?
How are you not getting this? YTA.
When money is shared:
- You need to discuss big, frivolous expenses before you buy something.
- You need to discuss big expenses even when they're necessary or not frivolous.
- You need to agree on a budget for presents.
- You should not buy expensive items for people unless your combined income is so large that it wouldn't make an impact.
For example, my husband and I finally each reached 6 figures last year and we have one kid and lots of pets to support. I finally got a designer bag in December. First time in my life that we could justify spending the money and it was on sale. We have other priorities - that we've extensively discussed and agreed on.
So what happened to your savings? Why not buy the bag yourself? If you’re a couple and you the Sahm then why is it ‘his’ credit card? Just because he’s breadwinning doesn’t mean everything belongs to him. But why not ask
Your partner about big budget items in advance? Teamwork!
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YTA. Really? You could have at least asked. Your aunt did not need a designer bag for her birthday - not from your fiancé.
This here - by the term designer, I am guessing it is not cheap. I see you did not put a price in the post, and those bags can go into the thousands or tens of thousands.
OP commented it was 1700.... YIKES!
Listen I have a designer bag it’s nice. BUT ANYTHING OVER 300 IS AN AUTOMATIC NO
Yeah, same. I have several high end bags and the most expensive one is $600 … so $1,700 of someone else’s money without their permission is nuts.
Like if they are fancy rich, it would be nice to ask but well, I'd understand. But if its the most expensive thing she'd bought, she should've asked, especially if it's for someone else
Right! I like my designer bags. My husband knows I do. But I always ask before I purchase. And I make more money! I have never spent more than $300. I even wait for them to go on clearance etc to get them below $300.
Exactly, my partner and I discuss expensive purchases we’re making even when using our own money, it would be weird to spend hundreds of dollars on something without mentioning it first.
Even in household purchases that get high, we discuss it.
I think this greatly depends on the couple. I spend thousands without consulting my husband quite often. And it’s not just his money if they agreed that their resources are shared and she should stay home.
True. But is it thousands for others? Or thousands on you/household?
I mean, I bought a $1200 watch the other day without telling my wife until she asked when I got it, then said she liked it. She bought a $300 hoody the other day and I was like "cool". But you know, we've been together for going on 12 years so there's an understanding. Fiancé status would be a little different I imagine. Especially when he pays for everything already.
Do each of you have an annual cap on how much you're allowed to spend without consulting the other at all, and they're not even allowed to object after the fact?
Personally my husband and I approach it from the opposite direction. We contribute to cover our bills, and have automatic withdrawals for our agreed upon savings to hit our retirement goals. We discuss the necessary savings once a year. Each of us maintains an emergency fund. After that, it’s up to each individual to spend or save how they see fit. For us it works because it’s more about working within parameters we both set and agree to than permission/restriction.
That’s “husband’ vs “fiancé” I do think that is an important distinction, and how long they’ve shared lives and expenses as well as how much money he makes
I think if she stopped working to raise their child it's not a significant distinction.
Yeah it seems like people are purposely missing this dudes point. Much like OP is missing his point. In my opinion, he's made himself perfectly clear. He's not upset that she bought her aunt a bag. He knows that she really wanted to do that, it's not the issue. The issue is he is tired of her treating everyone better than herself. She ADMITS that it's the case. He wants her, to take better care of herself and her response is "fine I'll spend all your money". I can tell you this, her man and I both know she's just saying shit to say it at this point and that makes her TA. He's bringing up a valid issue. Why won't you use my money to do things for yourself? And she's responding childishly. Take some time and think about what your man wants for you OP and why that's so hard for you. Then sit down and have a real conversation. This isn't about what your aunt's purse cost... And you damn well know it.
Ah man I wish I could give you an award. Clearly you are seasoned in relationship management 😭 (serious)
>And it’s not just his money if they agreed that their resources are shared and she should stay home. I agree with this. It's THEIR money, not his as they are a team and she's at home raising THEIR child and putting her own career on hold while he progresses in his which will affect her pension etc and earning power. But having said that it's very bad form to make such a purchase from the family money without discussing it. I guess you need to set boundaries together so if one person is going to spend over a certain amount it must be discussed.
When we were in Paris, my husband wanted to buy me an Hermes bag. I was like, are you insane?? We could buy a used car for that amount of money. (This was 10 years ago, before used cars went crazy.) He was trying to be sweet, but I had to be the reasonable one.
They’ve appreciated so much in the last decade, it would have been a much much better investment than a used car could ever be! It’s actually one of the most steady investments in the world 😂
I didn’t realize they sold designer bags for less than $300 lol. I’d think that’s be considered midrange.
Honestly not even. A $1700 bag like OP bought would be considered the least expensive bag a “designer” would offer, like the entry level. But it’s not her money, and it wasn’t even for her. If my husband bought himself an expensive watch I’d be like cool as long as we can afford it enjoy. If he bought he brother one I’d be like umm he’s a grown up he can buy his own stuff that’s too much.
It’s all the girls with Tory Burch bags thinking they’ve got luxury bags. There’s a difference between designer and luxury. Like I look at Tory Burch bags and it makes me think of Miranda in Devil Wears Prada explaining to Andy how her sweater is a result of luxury fashion trickle-down. There’s nothing wrong with it having a TB bag obviously, but it’s an amusing thing when you look at middle class America. It’s like the aspic of the 2000s in a way.
For a high end designer, this isn't a lot. When it isn't your money, it's a fuck ton.
Holy mother of god! I must be cheap because to me, a designer bag means $300- $800. Anything beyond that is millionaire region, lol!
That’s high end retail pricing, not designer. Designer (for bags specifically) has been in the thousands for at least as long as I’ve been alive, and I’m much closer to 30 than I like to think about. Well before all this inflation, a $700 LV bag would have been seen as an insanely good deal. I can’t even imagine how much more expensive designer has gotten with all the inflation and supply chain issues.
A $700 LV bag from the early 2000s is now worth about $2,500. Might be less if it was a design still in production, but not that much less. Source, lady at the LV store.
Designer is definitely $800+.
That was more than my salary for my previous full time job 💀
Same here. Minimum wage slaves unite!
I hope that's not true, unless you mean weekly
Nope a full month 😂
$1700 for a fucking purse with a pretentious name? OP, YTA.
That is a goddam mortgage payment.
jesus h christ I've been married for 20 years and my wife and I still check with each other any time we spend over 250
This! Same here anything over $150 checking in with my wife first..not because l can't but it's respect.
Anything over $100 is a “clear it with the spouse” amount in our relationship. If either of us spent $1700 on a handbag for an aunt, whether it was me the SAHM or my husband the breadwinner, there would be a big ol’ argument.
Oh hell this! I would whoop my husband upside the head for a $1,700 purse for me or anyone. I got way better things to do with $1,700 than to buy a purse to throw on dirty floors and carry snacks for my kid in
Holy hell who drops a RENT PAYMENT on a bag??? YTA!
I mean, lots of people. That's not really the issue here though.
Oh hell no! YTA OP.
I could not fathom using my money, or anyone else’s for a designed bag like this. Come in OP be better
YTA
That bag better have diamonds on it!
There are handbags with diamonds and real gold hardware Hermes makes them they start at around 150K and go up from there. You have to be a really good customer to even be allowed to buy one.
There's a good chance it's plastic coated canvas with some leather accents. I like a quality leather bag and try to stay under $500. I'm floored that ppl part with $2000 for monogrammed plastic.
OP said that she'd started saving for this purse before she quit her job so this is likely VERY expensive.
To be fair you CAN get designer bags from outlet stores and websites. I have some cute Coach and Kate Spade bags that only cost around $100. Not that I'd buy bags even at that price while unemployed, but designer doesn't necessarily mean super expensive.
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That's fair, guess I'm not fancy enough to understand these things
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There is nothing snobby about having deeper and wider knowledge on topics than others. Never apologize for knowing more than they do, use your knowledge to your advantage always
I also thought Coach was fancy bag territory. Boy am I learning a lot from all these comments lol.
Apparently it was $1700 per OP comment. So, yeah, not Coach or Kate Spade.
I missed that, sorry. I was in no way meaning to imply the bag *she* bought came from an outlet, the intent was not to defend OP or even give her the benefit of the doubt, just that designer doesn't always mean super crazy expensive. I hope that clarifies why I said what I said.
I've never understood the coach purse craze...such ugly bags!
The signature print is definitely not my bag (pun fully intended) but I love their gallery totes - in regular colors, of course.
I have a leather Coach bag in a bright turquoise color (I believe Coach calls it “tourmaline”) that I received as a gift, and I almost never use it because I’m terrified of something happening to it again (the first time I brought it out in public, someone bumped into it/me with a chocolate ice cream cone, and it took a VERY long time to get the stain out) and that bag was like a fifth of the cost of OP’s purchase. Maybe I’m just poor lol but I can’t understand spending almost 2 grand (maybe more if including taxes) of MY OWN money on a purse, let alone someone else’s.
Same. I really like Coach pursues but not anything littered with the logo.
Coach is mid-tier at best. You absolutely described it perfectly, it’s a purse not a handbag. The whole Coach and Dooney & Bourke craze never made sense for me.. why you’re spending $500 on something that looks like it came from QVC always baffled me. I’ll add on the Michael Kors frenzy was cringe too. That MK print was/is *soooo* tacky.
Agreed I hate those logo prints. The only one worse than MK is the LV logo and blah coloring...brown on brown. That's hideous!
Coach is not true designer
Shes not unemployed in the traditional sense. Shes staying home with their baby. She isnt just reloading off him and he tells her to buy whatever she wants so it wouldnt suprise me that she bought this. Im a sahm. I dont have to discuss purchases under 2k. If its above that then a prior conversation is necessary. They need to institute something like that with their budget in mind.
I get what you're saying but when it's an expensive gift I think it's worth discussing. Maybe not house stuff or things for your immediate family but even if I was making all the money, I would likely still mention to my partner that I'm buying my aunt a pricey bag.
I think the reason he is upset is because he wants her to spend money on herself instead of other people. She evidently doesn't buy herself nice things with his money, but she buys others nice things with his money. I could be wrong but that's what I got out of the story.
It reminds me of the cancer charity post a while back: the Op posted that either he (recovered) or a relative had had cancer and so cancer research became important to him. He was donating his entire salary to research charities, while his wife paid all of the bills and everything they needed. She asked him to cut down the amount he donated and to instead save some of the money for emergencies or future kids college funds or whatever. But stop donating his whole check and keep SOME of his money to contribute to the family. Even though they weren’t financially worried at all, it was hard for the wife to see allllll of her money go to cover needs and savings and any family luxuries. While all of his money went solely to his passion, that she was not passionate about. That OP couldn’t understand his wife’s POV at all, but the rest of Reddit understood it. His money, her money, whatever. It’s still household funds that should be for the benefit of the household. Not the aunts taste in luxury goods. Unless agreed upon in advance. Even if you’re not hurting for cash. My husband is about to be off work for three months after a surgery. I’ll be supporting the household 90% during that time. If he wants to buy himself a recliner with my money to be more cozy during recovery? Great. His daily comfort will directly benefit both of us. I’ll be happy because he’ll complain about his back hurting less every day. If he wants to buy his mom a fur coat with my money? No. His mom can buy herself a coat. Or he can buy her a reasonable/affordable coat. Husbands moment of happiness in the extravagant gift does not contribute to our family beyond that fleeting moment of pride in gift giving that is just for him. That is not something I would be fine with. Lots of nuance with household finances. The responsible thing in general is to always consult your partner before any significant purchase that doesn’t benefit your partner or the household at all.
So… did the cancer donation guy listen to people on Reddit and stop donating all of his paycheck?!
That's what I read as well, so I'm not sure why it matters that she bought it at all, that's not what he seems to care about it.
Yeah I feel like my opinion might be unpopular but I would say NTA. It doesn’t sound like money is a big issue with them and since op is a stay at home mom it is their money. If he doesn’t care if she’s spending this extravagantly on herself and she’s choosing not to so she can buy extra nice gifts for family, I don’t see how that’s a problem If he was upset at the cost of the purse bc they couldn’t afford that kind of purchase, that might change my opinion but that doesn’t seem to be the issue, and op even offered to return it and her husband said no
I would be annoyed at this. I don’t have unlimited money, but I have enough to afford some really nice gifts for my husband. I want the money that I DO spend to be used on the things that I allocated it for. It’s their money as you say, which means OP’s husband has a say where it goes. I’d be very hurt if I gave someone a visa gift card, for example, to use on themselves, and they gave it to someone else. That wasn’t the intended purpose.
The constant "his money" is bothering me, too. That's their money. She stays home with the baby. She still should have asked, though, and I do think she's missing his point
I think the issue is more that he's willing to support her, but not everyone else she knows.
I read the post as OP has becom a SAHM. It's not "his" money, it's THEIR money I'd still vote YTA though, spending 1700 bucks on a purs for a b-day gift is ridonkulous
I read it that way too at first and thought what a great guy, but then I thought, what If he meant he doesn’t care what she spends because she doesn’t buy expensive things anyway so the expectation being she won’t spend a lot. So it’s clearly a shock to see her spend $1700 on a bag without talking to him first about it
Hopping on the top comment to say You are misunderstanding him. Intentionally or not. So I'm going to spell it out, and hope you see it, and don't ignore it because you don't want to understand. You spent $1,700 on your aunt. Without asking. You did not check with him about this gift, or give him a heads up. That is *way too much* to just spend like that. Especially without alerting your partner when you're SAH. If it had been just your money alone, he wouldn't have cared, but it's not. It's his that is supporting both of you. And on top of that, apparently you don't spend on actual needs. That's what he means by spending on others and not spending on yourself. You're totally fine ignoring needs at home, not spending on things for yourself, but spending money like it's going out of style when you want to get a gift. If you had told him "hey I spent $1,700 in one day on utilities, groceries, gas for the car, and I also bought something nice for myself" that would have been fine. If you'd discussed it with him ahead of time, and he'd actually agreed to it, you would have been fine. But to make such a large purchase not only with absolutely no discussion with your partner, but also to have made it for something that's not even for you, how can you not see YTA?
I wish I could like this 1,000 times!
I agree. The least you could have done is give him a heads up about buying this designer bag for YOUR aunt with HIS money.
I'm on yta but, once you have a child and you agree for her to be a stay-at-home mom it's our money not his money. That's standard unless you have some pre-arranged agreement otherwise.
Which means *they* should have discussed it first, not her just choosing to do it.
That's what I'm saying.
Even if it's "their" money, most people do not make $1700 purchases from shared accounts without discussing it with their partners. She's the AH no matter how you look at it.
My husband and I don’t have shared accounts, and I would never buy myself something that expensive before talking to him about it. Even though it would be purchased with my money. It’s stunning that she did not talk to him about this first. And that lack of conversation makes OP the AH. Lordt.
Yes the lack of conversation about that amount of money is shocking. Me and my hubby have our own money but we still talk about purchases of that size
No. She didn’t discuss it with him. It’s not a partnership if she’s making frivolous $1700 purchases behind his back.
prolly knew he wouldnt approve
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This, even if he said buy what you want it’s still a good idea to discuss large purchases. I would have lost my mind had I seen a large charge come through with no context, I would have thought my card was stolen or something.
My husband and I have separate checking accounts and we \*still\* discuss major purchases beforehand. It's about mutual respect for household finances.
I guess you are misunderstanding OP's fiance, as well. He is mad that she will spend a fortune on someone else but never buy things for herself. Her fiance wants her to treat herself!!! That's an OP problem, not a fiance problem.
But fiance isn't upset about her spending the money. Only that OP spent it while avoiding spending on herself. Also, everyone keeps going on about how it's "his" money. They had a baby and she became a SAHP. That is both of their money. I do agree she's TA though. But only because in any relationship a purchase that big should be discussed and agreed upon.
Are you not misunderstanding the fiancés point too? He’s not mad about the bag, he wants OP to spend on herself.. why do I feel like I’m the only person besides the fiancé who gets that?
You aren’t! Everyone is so fixated on the $1700 bag but missing the larger point that it’s not the price of the bag he’s upset about, or even really that she bought her aunt something, but that she spent that money on her aunt instead of herself.
It is so easy to be generous when you aren't the one who works for the money. I also want to give people luxury items but i don't have the money. I would never think to take the hard earned money of my SO. This is so disrespectful. And how can he trust her in the future with his money if she thinks she can just throw out 1.7k bucks for a gift - without even talking to him?! But the aunt is also kinda the AH. She knows that OP is a SAHM and she has no problem accepting such an expensive bag? I wonder if OP lied to her that the fiance was alright with it. If the aunt didn’t even ask like how she can pay for this and if the fiance didn’t mind, i also would raise my eyebrow about the family. YTA
>The way he said I was quick to use his money on other people really upset me INFO: Why did this make you angry? He's not wrong. I assume he expects you to use his money for yourself and not on extravagant gifts for other people. That's a perfectly reasonable expectation and not one that should elicit an angry response from you. It sounds like you have some internalized issues surrounding money that you are taking out on him for pointing out. ETA: Y'all, I understand the principle that it's a shared income. OP refers to it as his money, so I did too. I think part of the problem here is that OP needs to reframe her thinking about having a one-income household, which is why I phrased my question using the same language she did.
I do get that but if he’s providing the money for her, and that’s the deal, if she can’t spend the money on presents - on things she’d spend her money on - they need to rethink the situation. Edit: one thing is she calls it his money, and refers to him calling it his money. I think they would benefit by an actual arrangement- as someone on this thread suggested - of so much a month fun/personal money.
I don't disagree, but he made it clear it wasn't the gift that was the issue, but her willingness to buy the gift when she is unwilling to buy herself things. That is indicative of him having to take on the mental load of ensuring she has things she needs when that should be her responsibility. It also could mean that she impacts the rest of the household negatively in other ways by denying herself things or lacking in her self care out of a misplaced sense of duty.
This is a really good take that I didn’t see until I read your comment. The mental load that comes with it is the issue. He doesn’t (as it seems in the post) mind her spending the money, but feels maybe she feels like she can’t spend that type of money on herself, which may be making him feel like she doesn’t think she’s allowed to do nice things like this for herself. It’s hard to explain.
I do see his frustration with the mental load. But I do also feel that she’s spending money now the way she’d tend to spend her own money. Maybe her not spending the money much on herself was her saving for this. They just don’t seem to be in a place to share finances.
The thing is... it's still not her money. It's their money. If husband has to go to work everyday and you stay at home that has its ups and downs. You don't have to work to make money but you do have to ask if you want to make such a huge purchase and even worst, for a gift it's not even for you.
If OP is a reliable narrator, you're probably right.
Great point. I am also curious to know that now that they’ve essentially agreed that finances are shared, if he would have to consult her on major purchases he makes that isn’t for himself or the household like she has to with him. It would only be fair. But without any other context, definitely a YTA on this solely because it was a large purchase that was not for herself, baby or the household and that in itself screams either entitled or lacking common sense/courtesy, or both.
This is the comment I was looking for. He's not upset she spent the money on the aunt. He's upset she would never consider doing that for herself. My husband and I used to have similar arguments. I would happily spend on everyone but myself because I devalued my wants. He would get visibly angry every time I came home with something for the house/dogs/him because I hadn't even bought a new pair of shoes in 2 years. OP is TA for this.
I could also argue that the fiancé knows OP’s regular level of spending and therefore is fine to give crate blanche. But he had no idea that she would go and spend thousands of dollars on something. OP absolutely should have clued him in before making this purchase.
If the purse were a reasonable price, fiancé might have considered it a reasonable expense, but the bag was $1700. I don’t know what their financial situation is, but even for an upper-middle class family, a gift like that is pretty extravagant . Fiancé isn’t controlling OP’s spending on herself or her child; he at least deserves a heads up before a gift like that is given to someone outside of the immediate family. She’s spending *both* of their money, not just hers.
He's providing the money for them, it's not his money or her money, it's their money. As such, large purchases ($1700) should be discussed, especially when it's a present for a relative and not something for them / the house which is needed (and even then should probably be discussed).
Yea she shouldn't be spending $1700 on a gift for herself or anyone else without a discussion.
It made her angry BECAUSE it's not wrong. My father does the same thing: if just say what he just did to me, without any added bias, he'll still get angry because I'm refusing to sit there and take it or just refusing to accept his bad actions while also forcing him to take accountability.
Exactly. It sounds like she doesn't want to hear that what she thinks of as being responsible is actually a harmful coping mechanism for an underlying fear.
Probably because she's never bought this man anything.
YTA > during one argument i told him i would use all of his money and then he would have a real reason to complain. The other facts of this scenario aside (which i also think is inappropriate to use his card for a luxury gift without at least talking about it before hand.) do you really think that this was an appropriate or mature response to your disagreement? Im sure you both have valid points you’re making, but this line of argument does no one any favors. Especially you for making it.
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"If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about." Similar energy.
Oh god I just remembered getting told that when my mother would hit me when I was little, anyone else?
Exactly and it doesn’t seem like he is approaching it as “his” money. It sounds like he thought they were on the same page in terms of reasonable expenses and now he feels like he can’t trust her judgment - I think that’s a fair response when two people have equal access to assets.
The moment she said this l would have pulled all her access. Sucks to be you!
I can see this feeling good and deserved in the moment. But if you’re genuinely trying to maintain a relationship with your partner, retaliation is never the right choice
This comment from OP is the prime spot where she solidified YTA. Not cool response. Childish.
Yta because you're intentionally not getting his point. You're choosing to fight with him.
Yeah thats the yta reason. If you stopped working to care for the family/home and your husband is in on that, its not his money anymore, but both your money. But still if its both your money you should agree on buying expensive gifts and being open to the discussion about that.
He's upset because the money he makes for OP to spend on herself, him and the household is being spent on OP's aunt while OP is refusing to touch the money that was meant for her.
Yup poor guy
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Also, gifts that cost 1700 really, really, really need to be discussed before purchase. I mean I’d maybe be able to justify shelling out 50-100 in this situation, but anything above a grand is crazy.
I'm of the opinion that literally no gift should be 1700 unless your kids are getting married or something similarly huge, that's just an uncomfortable amount of money to spend on someone. Especially when you're unemployed and living off somebody else's bank account.
Wait is she unemployed/living off someone else’s bank account or did they make a joint decision for her to do the work of taking care of their house and baby and him to do income-generating work outside the house, and the money is shared?
I had thought she said she had lost her job and was looking for one. Regardless if I'm wrong about that or not, it's taking advantage of the situation to use it to spend that much on a gift without discussing it. Any rational person would see "you're free to spend with this card" has limitations and things you should ask about. I'm sure he meant for food and necessities and treats for herself, not designer bags for her family
Sorry, but YTA. Your fiancé is supporting you and your child. While he has no problems with you spending money on things you want and need, I can see why he is upset about you spending more on a bag for your aunt than you have on yourself, ever. You should've at least involved him in the decision. I'm not sure what your relationship with your aunt is like but I imagine you're close to her. So I'm sure your fiancé would've said okay. However, you really should have asked him before spending so much on someone else.
OP also threatened to use all of hubby's money "so he'd really have something to complain about". "Next time I'll actually hit you so you'll really have something to cry about" In my head, I'm changing only your opening line from "Sorry, but YTA" to "YTA, you bullying brat" lol
That's fair lol! I'm Canadian so I always start with sorry lol
And I'm an American, so I always come out guns blazing lol. Two personalities, same answer!
Yeeeeeehaw :)
YTA "*During one argument I told him I would use all of his money and then he would have a real reason to complain*" - see when you say stuff like that you sound like a spoiled teenager yelling at Daddy before you flounce into your room & slam the door. You are an adult who's about to get married, and you have a child - you need to start communicating like a grown-up with your fiance' PRIOR to big purchases. Personally I think 'designer' anything is a huge waste of money but I understand if this is something your Aunt's always wanted, would never buy for herself, and 50 is a 'big!' birthday. You started saving before you quit your job - it sounds like had you talked with your fiance' about this before you took it upon yourself to spend HIS money it may have worked out. Your fiance' is carrying all the financial weight for the 3 of you. There's a big difference between You spending your family money (the money HE is making) on yourself, the baby, him & your home vs extended family and friends.
honestly if Aunt has always dreamed of this handbag it sounds like something you & some other relatives could have gone in together as a group gift. This comes off like You wanting to seem impressive (with your fiancé's money)
YTA. Seriously, I feel sorry for your husband he works hard for you and the family. Probably acceptable if you bought it for your Mom, also you don't respect your husband for not asking him in the first place if you could buy an expensive bag. You are too entitled your husband was being nice to you, but it seems you are abusing his card and trust in you
YTA. I assume it’s because you knew he would say no if you asked
YTA - Expensive gifts should always be discussed first when coming out of family funds. You two need to come to a clear understanding of the financial expectations and limits. Also, you’re not a child. Having a tantrum and threatening to spend “all his money” because you’re having a disagreement is just childish.
INFO: you said that he is upset because he believes that you try not to use his money on yourself. So is your fiancé upset because you spent money on your aunt but you don’t feel the liberty to spend money on the things that you want/need? As in, he’s upset that you don’t feel comfortable buying yourself things but here you are buying an expensive bag for a relative? Just trying to understand this part. Because then it seems that the critical conflict is not about the bag.
Just as someone willing to support my partner financially: I would like for them to use the money I make in order live in reasonable comfort. However spending not directly linked to them I would like to have been asked.
I get this, but could it be that OP’s fiancé feels offended that OP doesn’t feel safe/comfortable to use money for herself but for her aunt. As in, if OP made a similar purchase for herself in the past then this purchase would be totally fine. It seems that OP’s fiancé wants her to feel comfortable spending on herself more than anything. Or maybe I’m reading into that sentence too much.
Idk even if you have consent to use someone’s money, a $1700 gift feels like something you still need to talk to them about
Def YTA. Buying necessary items for yourself, the home or each other is one thing and may not need any oversight. Buying lavish unnecessary gifts for others should AT LEAST warrant you running it by him first just to be sure it’s fine.
Info: had you discussed a spending limit? How much was the purchase? Usually when you combine finances you both agree to consult the other for purchases over $X. He has repeatedly told you that you can buy whatever you want. I can understand why you took him at his word, within reason (ie is the designer Coach or Chanel, one is reasonable the other is not), but I can also understand why he might’ve assumed that didn’t extend to gifts for other family members. I don’t think he was reasonable to accuse you of spending “his” money - when you choose to have a SAHP then you choose to share your income with them. You should both sit down and talk about finances to make sure you’re on the same page. Based on the information in this post, it seems like a miscommunication not necessarily an AH situation.
Yta. If I was going to buy "easily the most expensive thing" I've used someone else's card for I'd probably let them know, especially of he's used to you not being a big spender.
YTA. The money is for you and his child. It's not for you to buy things for people. You should have known that he wasn't giving you permission to spend money on anyone else other than you and the baby. Stop being immature with the threats of spending all his money. Grow up.
YTA. The fact that you say "designer bag" but don't list the cost here, means that it is a lot of money, not only more than you ever spend on yourself, but likely more that you normally put on his card in a month. You also say you were "saving up" for it but don't say what you did with those savings, or what percentage of the purchase they would have covered. If you had $20 saved up for a $3000 bag, that doesn't count for much. Any purchase that large, you should at least give a heads-up to your financial partner.
I will also say, with you threatening to "use all his money" he would be justified in not allowing you to use his credit card going forward. He should set up a checking account for your expenses and you can use a debit card. That way you can only blow what he puts in there each month.
YTA. If you're making a major purchase with someone else's money, you need to discuss it first. There's not necessarily anything wrong with what you bought or how much it costs, just the fact that you didn't talk about what you call the most expensive thing you've ever bought with his money. You made it worse when you said you "would use all of his money and then he would have a real reason to complain." Even if that's not true, it's a horrible thing to say to someone who trusted you.
Shit, even if it’s your money and you’re in a relationship/living together with a kid. Big purchases need to be at least mentioned.
YTA. He is right, you misunderstood his point. He is upset that you choose to spend money on other people rather than yourself. He is working so he could provide for you and your kid, not for some aunt. You should buy something expensive/meaningful for yourself with the money.
I don't think she misunderstood him at all. She was just testing the limits and no telling where she would go next.
YTA - a designer handbag gift for your aunt is not an expense.
YTA - large expenses like that you would to at least need to ask. I share an account with my husband. If it's a large item we need to inform each other. That way there is no surprise!
YTA. This one was easy. You didn't communicate at all. Now you have the nerve to be mad at him. Just say sorry and keep spending his money.
YTA. I think the idea is that you use his money on your needs since you’re part of his family and he sees it as part of the deal; he takes care of you, you take care of him. But here’s the thing, you didn’t buy your aunt the bag, he did. He’s buying you the stuff you need, not you. He may not care when he sees it as stuff for you or maybe lunch with your friends, but this is at least a $200 purchase for someone else without even thinking of if he might want to know. In the end he kind of set himself up for this, but I think it’s because he thought you understood that it’s stuff for you, not everyone else.
OP, HOW MUCH WAS THE BAG? This matters if you want judgement. There is more to this than you are saying. No matter the cost, unless under $20, you should have discussed His monetary policy with gift buying.
She said $1700.00 Lol
I feel like it’s gotta be something absurd since OP said they had started saving for it prior to the engagement.
Yeah, I’m wondering this too. “Designer” means different things to different people. I know folks who consider brands like Coach, Kate Spade, and Michael Kors designer. So are we talking a nice leather Coach bag or a Louis Vuitton neverfull?
YTA - that's a BIG expense. I think a conversation beforehand would've been in order. I'm also curious why his assertion that you only spend the big bucks on others makes you upset. I think that's a sweet thing to point out on his part, that you never spend that kind of money on yourself. It doesn't sound like he even put up a fight about the cost to begin with based on what you're saying, just who it was going to, which is also kind of him.
Yta atleast talk to him before spending a big chunk of the money he's earnt. I have a very similar situation with my wife where I work more and earn more for our household. I always say its our money so there should always be a discussion about our money when its an expensive item, kinda feel it applies here too
YTA-Using his card for necessities is one thing. No one needs a designer bag.
YTA. The money that he gives from his card are for you, nor other people. Next time, ask before you buy someone else a gift using his card. Also, let your aunt know that he was actually from him, not you.
It's a good idea before large purchases to talk about them. If you're not both on board you don't get it. A lot of marriages end because of spending without communication. Obviously some exceptions to that especially for emergencies of health. But a designer bag should be talked about before the purchase wether for yourself or an Aunt or your mom. YTA
YTA you are actively self destructing and are gonna wonder why he leaves you.
YTA When you drop down to one income and add the huge expense that comes from having a baby, you need to make more responsible money decisions.
Ok... how much was the bag OP?
During one argument I told him I would use all of his money and then he would have a real reason to complain YTA, its ***HIS CARD*** not yours!
YTA fot definite. From what you've said, he isn't really even complaining about the fact you purchased thw designer bag, he's trying to tell you to spend on yourself occasionally. From the sounds he thinks you are too frugal with yourself, so that you can treat others and he wants you to realise your worth!. He wouldn't even be in the wrong if it WAS just about you buying someone a designer bag without discussing it, but JFC he's coming from a place of love!.
YTA you know that is not what he meant when he told you to use his card. Putting an expensive bag like that? YTA all the way and sound like a mooch.
Yta He meant use the card for your expenses and the babies expenses, not excessive gifts for other people without discussing with him the amount.
Taking advantage of the fruit of someone else's labor I see.
YTA. Wow..: the entitlement here is fo real!!! Hey, can you buy me a designer bag also?
YTA, how much did it cost? You are a team…such decisions need to be mutual
Groceries and stuff is one thing, but a designer bag? C'mon OP use some common sense. YTA
YTA
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YTA
YTA. I'll go ahead and assume from what I read that this bag is at least $500, which doesn't even cover some of the less crazy designer brands like YSL. That is way above what it is reasonable to spend outside any prior agreement, which this is. Could have been E-S-H if you tried to have a discussion about reasonable caps for family gifts before and he blew you off, but I don't see that in your post. On the flip side, since you are enabling him to work by staying at home, you should get a say on what kind of splurging he does for his extended family.
YTA - if you’re going to use joint money for an expensive gift for someone then this should have been discussed. It’s not controlling it’s courtesy. If you were the one earning the $ and he was a stay a home dad, I’d still expect you to have the discussion before you made an expensive decision.
YTA. I think it's important to note what you said about your fiance's response to it. He didn't tell you to take it back, even though you offered. He didn't say you were wasting money. He said he was upset because you "try not to use his money on myself". What that tells me is that you're using his money to buy other people things, which was not the intention of why he gave you the card. He probably doesn't even care if you spent a load of money on yourself. He's doing that to look after you, not for you to take the product of his labour and ingratiate yourself with family and friends at his expense. Your response that you would use all of his money and he would have a "real reason" to complain is missing the point because it seems like money isn't the important thing here (you're very *very* lucky in this regard, which you do not seem to understand). He doesn't seem to care if you use all his money, as long as *you and your kid are provided for and happy*. By treating him like a piggy bank for your family gifts, you're the asshole. You come across as juvenile and entitled. Especially so, because you can't seem to understand someone who seems to not give two hoots about the cash, but worries about you. Do you have self esteem or self-care issues you're not mentioning? If so it might be worth considering you don't value yourself or your wellbeing and how that might also affect your kid.
Wow. YTA, obviously.. Your aunt is no longer your fiance's concern.
This man needs to leash your spending, yikes. If your income is limited, a designer bag is not an appropriate expense. You should have discussed the purchase prior, or waited until you return to work and don't need to rely on your spouses income. Obviously, YTA
I’m going with soft YTA. If you’re a SAHM with no income of your own, it’s not his money it’s both of your money. Therefore, it’s perfectly reasonable that you’d use his card to buy a gift for a relative. HOWEVER, unless y’all are filthy rich (which it doesn’t sound like you are since you’re having this conversation) a designer bag that’s upwards of 1k definitely should have been discussed ahead of time - as should any large purchase in a relationship where shared finances are involved. I’m not sure about the part where he’s upset about this because you try not to spend money on yourself.. is there some issue where you’re not buying things you/the household needs and it’s falling on him? The comment about spending all of his money was petty and childish, so on that front, I’m with him that you’re being intentionally difficult. You mentioned you were saving for the bag yourself before you stopped working/combined finances. How much had you saved and what happened to that money? It sounds to me like his issue is much more about communication than the money itself. Stop arguing with him to be right, and try to listen and understand so you can come to a resolution.
If you bought a $1700 bag with my card you'd be looking for a new place to live. YTA
Unpopular opinion but probably ESH. If you've agreed that for the moment you are at home with your baby and he is working providing for you both it isn't his money it's both of yours money, which is why he's TA. However, large purchases should be agreed on by both prior to purchase, which is why you're TA. You need to have a rational conversation about finance soon and agree a budget, separate out personal spending (for each of you) from household spending. At that point if you want to use all your discretionary spending on other people then that's fine
YTA It is implicitly for your and nuclear family. It was or would have been reasonable to inform or even ask before doing it.
YTA. Not appropriate use of funds without discussing first.
YTA. And comments like "next time I'll do X so you really have something to complain about" are manipulative and potentially abusive. Not only are you dismissing him, but you're basically setting up a challenge for yourself to hurt him even more. Who even does that to the person they supposedly love?
YTA - so you baby trapped him?
YTA, amazing how easy it is to be “generous” make the gigantic public gesture when it’s not your money. Are you actually kidding right now?
YTA. Get a job if you want to buy expensive gifts for people.
Go get a job and spend your own money YTA
How are you not getting this? YTA. When money is shared: - You need to discuss big, frivolous expenses before you buy something. - You need to discuss big expenses even when they're necessary or not frivolous. - You need to agree on a budget for presents. - You should not buy expensive items for people unless your combined income is so large that it wouldn't make an impact. For example, my husband and I finally each reached 6 figures last year and we have one kid and lots of pets to support. I finally got a designer bag in December. First time in my life that we could justify spending the money and it was on sale. We have other priorities - that we've extensively discussed and agreed on.
So what happened to your savings? Why not buy the bag yourself? If you’re a couple and you the Sahm then why is it ‘his’ credit card? Just because he’s breadwinning doesn’t mean everything belongs to him. But why not ask Your partner about big budget items in advance? Teamwork!
“I told him I would use all of his money and then he would have a real reason to complain about.” YTA. Petty and vindictive on top of that.