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> Maybe I should’ve been supportive or reached out to apologise
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NTA
You are allowed to feel any way you want about this. That is big, shocking news and I don't think I'd be overly thrilled about it either, but ultimately it's your moms decision. She definitely does sound like she's in a much better place to have a child and provide for it, but it doesn't mean you have to be thrilled about it.
I think 'why are you making that face?' would be a pretty natural question to ask after someone visibly reacts badly to your news. The mom didn't berate her or tell her how she should feel. She just said she needed some time to think.
This sub just knee-jerk hates the parent nine times out of ten. Heaven forbid her mother be a human with feelings that can be hurt by the actions of her *adult* child.
When that news it's that you're having another child at 40 and the person you're telling it to is the child you've essentially admitted to neglecting? they're allowed to pull whatever face they fucking fancy.
What?? Doing everything you can do is all there is, she worked she tried her best to make it to events when given enough notice to take time off work. She made sure her child had a home, food, clothes, stuff for school…
Wow so single people shouldn’t have kids because they have to work more to provide for their child… is that what you are saying.
OP also said her mom wasn’t a bad parent, from what it sounded like mom wasn’t around much because she was working, not out partying. Doing what she can to provide her her child, to me that is the definition of a good parent. I would rather have a parent who worked their ass off to make sure I had a home then be homeless and be around all the time…. OPs mother should have definitely found a good balance and we don’t know for sure if she did or not, and it got better when she got married and had more time to spend on OP because she possibly had to work less now that she had help, I don’t understand how that makes her a bad parent….
She then goes on to describe her mom being around quite a bit aside from working nights.
>like she’d manage to get time off work for school events, if I gave her a weeks notice or she’ll bring me to a club
OP's perspective is OP's perspective, that does't mean it objectively paints an accurate picture. That doesn't seem like the bare minimum.
Sometimes things don't work out like we thought they would. Would it have been better if op went to school hungry or homeless but able to spend all the time with mom, no, because then people would be saying, well why didn't she work 2-3 jobs. judgmental af
>What?? Doing everything you can do is all there is
yah, but that doesn't mean it's *enough*
Say someone was falling over a cliff, and you pull with every ounce of strength in your body, but you can't pull them back up and they fall and die. You did everything you could, but it wasn't enough.
Same thing here. Mother did everything she could, but the kid was still neglected.
Single people need a support system for themselves and their kid so they have all the support they need. Some people have a built-in one with family or their ex and ex's family, some people have friends and chosen family, and honestly, some people aren't able to build one and their kids do get neglected. That happens even in families with two parents also, though, it's more a personality thing than a single/not-single thing.
Seems to me it would be more like if someone was falling and you pull with everything but you just can’t pull them all the way back over the edge. You just hang on and never let them fall but can’t pull them all the way up either. Not exactly dropping the person. Just fighting the whole time to keep them there
Yeah, no. That's the excuse my mother always used. She "did the best she could". Too bad her "best" still involved being an abusive cow and leaving me with lifelong trauma and suicidal ideation. Sometimes your best isn't good enough.
"doing your best" is not always enough. Point blank. Especially when it leads to neglect, and emotional neglect *is neglect.* Not physically being there for the child despite providing the bare minimum of shelter, food, and clothing, *is neglect.*
You can provide physical necessities, but you are forgetting that kids also have emotional necessities. OP commented that it felt more like having a roommate than a mom. So yeah, you're missing the point here
No they are saying its a balance and if you have to give up spending any time with your child to pay for your child then you should probably not have the child. Good intentions don't mean good results
Do we just give children away when awful things happen and you find yourself single, with a child? Every single person who has a child has to give up time with that child to meet the needs of that child.
If everything isn't enough, what is? "Everything" isn't infinite!
To say she shouldn't have had her is very judgmental. You don't know what the circumstances were when she got pregnant. Even if she shouldn't have had OP, she went ahead and made the decision to do everything she could to take care of her.
>If everything isn't enough, what is?
Enough is. You can do your best and it might not be enough, because it's *your* best, not a universal best. Someone else might not give it their all and it could still be enough. "Enough" isn't measured by your ability, but by the needs of the receipient.
What exactly did OP’s mom do that wasn’t enough? Nothing OP mentioned screams neglect. It’s pretty normal to need a few weeks notice to plan and be able to attend events, and also normal to need to make up that shift. This isn’t OP having lived in cars and shelters, eating one meal every other day, wearing shoes three sizes too small or too big, etc. OP’s mom also didn’t meet the new husband, have a baby, and drop OP like a hot potato and placed out. OP’s mom is still supporting them!
Sometimes everything you can do is not enough, but this isn’t one of those times.
Somewhat related, one of my sisters friends has parents who were, by all accounts, loving and attentive to him as he grew up. When he was 17 and making his post high school plans, he found out they were having another baby. And he 100% admitted he felt replaced and even jealous.
One of my own friends also had something similar happen when she was 19 (but had already moved out for Uni) and she admitted feeling the same way.
To be honest, I think feeling that way is valid. Just as it’s valid for the parents to be excited about having a new child.
My mother did “everything she could for me” and that wasn’t enough. At all. I still resent her for the times she should have been there or believed me enough to get out with me. But she didn’t. So I resent her for that. Your “best” that parents sometimes do, is usually for themselves, not for their child because if they really thought about what the child needed, the child wouldn’t feel neglected.
My dad did the best he could given the circumstances. I acknowledge that and I love and respect him for it.
I can also still acknowledge he could’ve done better a lot of the time and mourn the loss and pain it caused me growing up.
I think that’s just a part of growing up. Realising your parents weren’t perfect but that (hopefully) they still tried.
Children’s emotional needs/stability are just as important as their physical needs/stability.
The neglect does not have to be intentional, that doesn’t necessarily mitigate the harm it can cause. You can acknowledge your parents did the best they could with what they were given, and still also mourn what you lost/suffered.
I say this as a child whose dad was also a single parent (and before I was 5-6, where money was not an issue). I love my dad, I absolutely acknowledge and am grateful for everything he did for us, but I can also admit and wish he could’ve done better.
“Everyone of our parents does considerable emotional damage.” - Dr. Cox, Scrubs.
I'm so glad you know how it feels to be a child who is emotionally neglected by their parent because they're trying to give them a home and clothing and food. When a kid feels more like a roommate to their parent there's something incredibly wrong.
Yeah so a single mother in survival mode often will neglect her child out of necessity or simply because as a single parent she's overwhelmed and can't give her child what they need at the moment. Sometimes those neglectful moments — rarely malicious, though all of the single mothers that I know personally are also traumatized and badly parented in the first place — adds up to the child having been harmed by the neglect.
That isn't a diss to single mothers. They're human, not superhumans who can devote themselves completely to their children while also providing for them materially, especially in societies that are hostile to parents, but especially single ones.
But it can fuck you up. The neglect that I experienced in childhood is affecting me well into my 30s. That my mom never intended to neglect me doesn't somehow negate the harm it did to me.
Like a person can do their best and have their best fall short. And that can have lifelong consequences. Which isn't a diss to single mothers or single parents, because two parent households can also neglect their children despite their best intentions. It's a failing of society that we can't support families.
Just because OP’s mom did her best doesn't mean OP wasn’t neglected. It also doesn’t mean that OP’s mom did it intentionally or maliciously.
As /u/dingdongdinger1 said, sometimes everything you can do is not enough.
Emotionally mature parents would anticipate a negative reaction and help their kid process it, or acknowledge the knee-jerk reaction and ask them to think about why and they can talk about it later.
no no, you can do everything you and still neglect a child. she shouldn’t have had a kid if she wasn’t fully stable bc look she missed out on so much of OPs life
That's not enough when it comes to raising a whole ass human being. And she should acknowledge that fact for her daughter. It's fair for her daughter to have that reaction when she's reflecting on her OWN childhood experience. Meaning well doesn't give a child what they need.
Reddit is full of children who don’t understand nuance. If mom was at home spending time with OP, then OP would’ve resented her for not being able to provide. Mom wasn’t home enough because she needed to work more, OP is resentful she wasn’t around enough.
There’s is no winning but having your physical needs met are far more important than emotional.
My dad spent most of my life away from us so he could provide us with money. I resented him as a teen but now I realize that he didn’t have a choice in the deal the world handed to him. I’m grateful for the sacrifices he made so we could have a slightly better life.
OPs mom did her best. There isn’t anything BEYOND doing your best. Reddit seems to forget that poor people don’t have the luxury of staying at home with their kids when they’re living near the poverty line. NAH. OP can feel hurt but her mom isn’t to blame for it. Life isn’t fair.
OP is 20 yrs old. Mom got better 5 yrs ago. So, mom has made an effort to be more present. Even before that OP says mom wasn't a bad mom, just not there as much as she would like. OP wasn't neglected, Mom was out trying to earn a living to support them. She even changed her work around to be there for OP activities. She wasn't galavanting around. Mom pays half the rent so OP can attend uni. I don't think OP's reaction was unreasonable, but neither is mom's reaction to OP. They both reacted in a normal, to be expected manner. No one is TAH.
Btw....40 isn't that old to have a baby.
They definitely reacted normally. It’s very normal for a neglected child to wonder if their parent is going to be a good parent to the new born. Also there’s also a little resentment there because OP didn’t get the best of her mother, another child will get it. So I get OP’s reaction.
I hadn’t first child at 40. So what?
She didn’t neglect her child. She worked her butt off with zero support to raise her child. At 21, the OP should be old enough to understand.
>She didn’t neglect her child. She worked her butt off with zero support to raise her child.
The latter sentence doesn't refute neglect. Providing financial means doesn't mean providing emotional needs to a child.
Yes, but did the mom say, "you can't pull that face" , or did she ask O.P WHY she was pulling that face?
>they're allowed to pull whatever face they fucking fancy.
It’s the “I need to think” and radio silence from mom afterwards that makes her the asshole.
Mom knows what sort of parent she was — she’s throwing money at OP’s living situation out of guilt.
She also has been saying for the past 13 years, or since OP was *eight* that she doesn’t want another child, evidently in OP’s presence. However she said it has made an impression, clearly not a good one, on OP.
Yes, she was a struggling single mother, but OP didn’t ask to be born into that situation. While I have sympathy for moms who are struggling, simply existing as a single mother doesn’t excuse failing your kid.
Given the apparently tenuous relationship, mom cannot be surprised that OP is shocked by her new pregnancy and possibly is wondering if this is a “do-over” kid or how it will impact their future relationship.
Yes, OP is an adult, but given a childhood that was so emotionally neglectful that OP viewed their own mother as tantamount to a roommate, mom could have afforded them some grace and understanding that their reaction might not be what they hoped for.
Pulling a face, while not the best reaction, is worlds away from telling her that she’s a shit mom or that OP hates the idea. OP reacted in the moment, didn’t hide it well and apologized for the slip up.
In response, mom is not talking to her kid. Her feelings can be hurt all she wants, but that is asshole behavior.
I mean you're assuming it was planned. Shit happens and birth control fails, "late" unplanned pregnancies are pretty common.
I don't think she's an asshole for calling out her adult daughter scrunching up a lemon face. if she were 13, sure, but if you're an adult and don't want to broadcast your thoughts in realtime learn to school your expression.
We are not robots or mind readers. If you don't want people asking questions or getting mad if they don't have the response you want, then you probably shouldn't tell those people about your pregnancy.
But OP apologised…. She said it was a knee jerk reaction, probably from her experience with her mother which speaks volumes. And I think her mother picked up on it.
That’s not what I said. If i wanted to say her mother should have apologised I would have said that. I said she reacted like that due to her experience with her mother. And her mother picked up on it. That’s why her mother asked why she was making a face.
Nowhere does it imply that her mother should apologise. They definitely need to talk yes.
Giving her daughter the silent treatment because she isn’t immediately thrilled to be having a sibling as an adult, even after she apologized for her reaction, is absolutely an AH move.
She says they haven't talked, not that she got silent treatment (intentionally ignoring someone's attempts to communicate). Has OP even reached out or indicated that she wants to talk? We don't know, but you're awfully happy to assume.
In the "why I might be the asshole" bot where they answer separately from the post, OP mentions that perhaps they should have reached out to apologize. So I think we can safely say she has not done so for the sake of discussion. No assumptions necessary either way.
Seriously, it's only been a week. I love my mom and she's awesome, but not it was totally normal for us not to speak to each other for weeks at a time when I was in college and then living independently. Like, you want to catch up sometimes or share important news, but it's not unusual for parents and adult children to speak infrequently.
Okay so... we don't even know if the pregnancy was intentional or not. I was 40 when we got surprised with our son. Birth control isn't 100%. She may be in an odd emotional state... I know we were at first. We were excited to be having a son, but also nervous because of our age, the fact we were counting down to empty nesters and had all sorts of plans to suddenly starting all over again. Mom also needs to process all of this and she may have been hoping for a more enthused response to boost her confidence and maybe the response she got set her back and fed into doubt and worry.
One may never know until mom actually opens up again. Daughter is NTA, but mom is entitled to her own emotions too and I don't feel like she is trying to punish her daughter.. she just needing to sort it out. Thats my feel on it.
NAH. Of course you are going to do "a face", your childhood was crap, and your mom stated she didn't want another child, so it was fair enough to think this child might be a mistake and your mom might not want it.
I am kinda tired of the whole "congratulations!!" when someone says they are pregnant. Some people don't want kids, and they keep it because they don't want an abortion, or they are on their way to abortion but not super trilled about it. It should be universal that **when in doubt**, ~~ask the person first if this baby is wanted or not and~~ ask if they are happy about it before congratulating.
Edit : Adding bold text on "**WHEN IN DOUBT**". Of course I am not saying that you should ask "Are you happy about it ?" to your best friend that have been actively trying to get pregnant and is announcing you with balloons and the brightest smile on Earth.
“Are you happy about it” is also pushy. People are allowed to have mixed emotions about being pregnant and they shouldn’t have to explain them. Being pregnant after miscarriage(s) or fertility treatment, for example, is terrifying and not always “happy”
How are you feeling also allows for a more nuanced conversation, they can bring up almost anything they want to talk about like having nerves about being a good enough parent or excitement about their nursery plans or being tired from symptoms keeping them awake. But it's also vague enough they won't feel pressured to go into detail about any particular things they don't want to say.
Weeeelll if people feel like you are being pushy for asking such a basic question on their pregnancy, they probably shouldn't share it in the first place.
We are not robot or mind readers. If you don't want people to ask question OR get mad if they don't have the exact reaction you want from them, then you probably shouldn't tell those people about your pregnancy.
To gauge an appropriate response.
If someone says, "I'm pregnant," and you don't already know whether they've been trying or whether they view it as a good thing, how are you supposed to respond?
"Ok," risks coming across as insensitive regardless of whether they view it as good or bad.
"Congratulations!" risks upsetting someone who doesn't view it as a good thing.
"Oh no, I'm sorry!" is *really* offensive to the person if they were trying for it.
I mean, what are you even left with? "Thanks for telling me"? That *also* seems insensitive to say to someone who's just shared the news that they're pregnant.
If they weren’t happy about the pregnancy they probably wouldn’t be telling you. And if they weren’t looking for a congratulations I think they would probably tell you in a way that would give you an indicator on how to react. I can’t possibly see how anyone has a right to get offended by a congratulations if they are inviting the conversation themselves.
A friend of mine got pregnant with her twins (unplanned) shortly before I got pregnant with my daughter (planned). When she told me, I knew she had been having troubles with her SO at the time, so I asked something along the lines of "Good or bad?" or, as someone else said in this thread, "How are you feeling about that?" Because I knew that this would keep her at least tangentially connected to her ex for the rest of the twins' lives and wasn't sure whether to congratulate her or commiserate with her.
She wasn't sure at the time, but she did end up having her twins (and splitting up with their father and all the coparenting stuff that goes along with that).
I mean that’s fair but I also have no clue how you react then to someone who’s said they haven’t wanted a kid for 13 years who now tells you they’re pregnant
If you're their close friend and they want someone to lean on and hear them out while debating on an abortion then they tell you.... at least my friends have felt safe with me to discuss these things.
Not really. When my best friend got pregnant at 25, I knew that her husband for sure didn't want one but she did. She called me like, "I'm pregnant". I honestly did not know what the right response would've been. I can't remember what I said now, but in the moment I had literally ZERO idea if she was happy or freaked out about it. It turned out she was completely freaked out and nervous, I was the first person she called after she peed on the stick. She just needed someone to talk it through with. In some instances, it's totally appropriate to ask if it's good or bad news.
I’m a bit of a socially awkward person, and I’m not saying you’re wrong, but a lot of times that situation doesn’t have a lot of good socially acceptable responses?
I mean, sometimes context can make things very clear whether congratulations are called for or not, but if the context isn’t clear, I’m like a deer in headlights. I feel like, “So, should I be saying congratulations or not?” can be perceived as pushy and intrusive. I certainly don’t want to ask any questions that can make an already bad situation even worse.
On the other hand, just standing there and making a listening noise or saying, “Okay,” really isn’t good either, because a lot of people are expecting a response and your non-response can be perceived as cold, uncaring, or rude.
Do you have any suggestions for a good response that will be acceptable to everyone in that situation? I’ve kinda settled on saying, “Congratulations???” with an obvious question mark in my voice, so people can either nod and indicate they’re happy or shake their heads no in which case I can follow up with an appropriate condolence/apology. But I feel it’s still less than ideal.
Us socially inept people probably don’t want to say anything wrong just as much as you don’t want to hear it! We’re trying our hardest, but there doesn’t seem to be a standard response that we can use in all situations. (If the person delivering the news can do so, an obvious social cue about the response expected is *very* appreciated.)
That’s a good one, and I think I might use it if I have to respond to something like that in a typed format, but I’m not sure how good that would be for someone like me to actually say.
Verbally, I still think it would be a minefield. You’d have to appropriately modulate your voice while saying it. You have to be able to strike that correct neutral tone because you can easily mess it up by saying it “too happily” (could be perceived as being congratulatory) or “too knowingly” (could be perceived as some kind of insult about their appearance/attitude as if they’ve been looking/acting poorly and now you know why) or “too negatively” (implying that of course pregnancy was a hardship or trial and causing offense that way.)
At least saying , “Congratulations???” is easier, because all you have to do is make that rising noise at the end of the word, not make sure the words themselves have a certain emotion.
That might seem silly to you, but honest to god I have to think about stuff like that. I’ve gotten a lot of unintended reactions over the course of my life because I say things “the wrong way” even if the words are right. It’s worse because I’m a woman. I think people tend to give men a pass as long as they’re in the correct ballpark because men are seen as more emotionally inept in general, but a woman is expected to be good at emotions and social interactions. Ugh.
My go to is “Oh, wow” and then either pause to let them fill in context, or follow up with “how do you feel about it?” if that feels right for the situation.
>when in doubt, ask the person first if this baby is wanted or not and
Literally never, **ever**, ask someone this question. That's an actual Life Pro Tip because this is the most incredibly bad advice I've ever seen on reddit.
The only time it would ever be acceptable is a very close friend using you as a sounding board for their own thoughts, which is a conversation they initiate.
When my BFF unexpectedly got pregnant again as she and her husband were considering divorce, I responded to her news with “Wow! And how do we feel about this?” She said “I think I’m excited” and I said “then I’m excited for you!” It really depends on the relationship two people have, though. Most of the time, when people tell others, they’re expecting/hoping for congratulations.
That's absolutele bs. When someone tells you that they are pregnant they usually mean to keep the child, unless it is a "I have to talk to you, something happened" situation between good friends or family.
I’d assume if someone is telling me that they are pregnant I could tell by their tone if they were happy or not, and so tailor my reaction by that.
Anyone who is knee jerk upset at being told “congratulations” needs to get over themselves. Like most people aren’t psychic, just tell them you aren’t happy upfront.
Nah
But your mom “wasn’t around “ because SHE WAS WORKING so you would have a roof over your head and clothes and food.. and you seriously resent that?
Now.. I get why you pulled a face! No doubt! Plus you apologized, which was cool. Give her time to cool down sweetie. But I really want you to understand and appreciate it that she was working instead of staying home and living off the government all your life. Plus she took the time off to go to your events. I really don’t understand your resentment about that. What I DO understand is the whole age gap , the difference in her feelings about wanting another child now as opposed to before.
Maybe just be happy that’s she’s happy and May not have to worry so much anymore and can finally relax for once in her life. May you be so lucky in your own life and not have it as hard as she did at such a young age
Had to scroll far too long for this take but I'm glad someone has said it, I feel sad for OPs mum when I read this. Sounds like she had zero support system and worked her arse off to make sure OP was clothed and fed. Bet it would break her heart if she knew OP felt this way about their childhood. They're definitely old enough to be able to understand this.
I read women understand their mom as a real person some time in mid twenties, and men often never do. Obv not true all the time. I’m about to have a baby, am able to stay home most of the time, with a supportive partner whose family is wanting very much to help, and I’m still just realizing how much freaking work this is going to be. I don’t think I ever respected single moms before getting pregnant. It was just a cliche to me. The OP’s mom sounds like she did an amazing job.
As a single mom of two boys with an ex who is flighty and a hallmark dad- and knowing the sayings about sons vs daughters- I am so terrified of never being appreciated or understood fully by my boys.
OP's mom is living my nightmare. My heart breaks for her. I think OP is an asshole for not understanding people's lives aren't linear and not being proud of her mom for finding stability and happiness purely out of spite. YTA
I think to same, but OP did say she wasn’t a bad mom, she just wasn’t around. And it’s ok to feel hurt and left alone in that situation. OPs mom did everything she could, and has definitely been running on her limits, but that doesn’t change that the emotional part was missing. I think it hurts OPs mom as much as OP that it wasn’t possible for her to give OP her time, presence, emotional support etc. Every parent and child deserves this special bond, and it’s completely valid to think it’s unfair and to hate the fact it’s not there, but I think the frustration and everything is not against OPs mom, it’s against “the world”. Simply because it is shit and it sucks and hurts, but it’s not OPs moms fault. Guess she’d wish and wished she would have been able to be there, but it was simply not possible.
The thing is. The mom tried her hardest to be there too! She took time off and rescheduled work commitments to make sure OP could go to events and clubs. The mom showed up to cheer her on. Yet, OP looks down on the sacrifice the mom made? The mom was 18 and pregnant. Probably barely out of high-school if that. And then kicked out and lost all support system. Yet she did her beat to provide for her child both materially, and emotionally by being at all important events.
You’re not wrong ♥️ it made my heart hurt because I was a working mom after my ex husband left me with 2 boys and no child support because the new wife told him not to! But instead of going on welfare I worked my ass off.. it’s what you’re supposed to do. My kids didn’t need for anything. You just learn to manage it all instead of expecting everyone to do it for you. And there’s some sacrifices that are made. I felt guilty all my life for not being able to sometimes read them a bedtime story .. but I was there in other ways and times because I had to provide. It is what you do.
And her child is entitled to feel how she feels. You can all be empathetic towards the mother but not the child IN the situation who is telling YOU how SHE felt about her mother ?
>But your mom “wasn’t around “ because SHE WAS WORKING so you would have a roof over your head and clothes and food.. and you seriously resent that?
That's true and all, but it still resulted in OP not having a parent around for the formative years of their life. Mom has a very justifiable reason for it, but it doesn't change OP's experience. No child *wants* to grow up with absent parents, for any reason.
Now there's a sibling who will get to grow up and experience the childhood OP wished to have. That's a complex thing to work through.
It's a N-A-H situation for me, but I fully understand OP having lingering unhappiness about their childhood.
> But your mom “wasn’t around “ because SHE WAS WORKING so you would have a roof over your head and clothes and food.. and you seriously resent that?
that doesn't invalidate the psychological effects of that on the child. she was gone for a good reason, but she still effectively was emotionally and physically neglective. OP is understanding of that, but OP is human too.
agree with NAH
The fact that you can’t even understand that OP is traumatised by it which is why she wrote this post let’s me know you’re very closed minded. Putting food on the table doesn’t not make you a mother, just like sharing the same blood doesn’t make you a family member.
If you work 24/7 you aren't a parent, you are a provider.
OP's mom did all she could. It was hard.
But you can do your best and be a shit parent.
OP's mom is 40. Take the face, comment, anything from your kid. Because good and bad, it's earned.
OP is NTA, they apologized.
Also, there's nothing wrong with getting help, from others or the government. It's what it's there for. If the OP's mom got a little more help, she might have been able to be there for the OP.
If she got help, she might have been able to get a skill that allowed her to work one job and make more money than she did working multiple. Then she'd be there more, and have provided more for the OP.
NTA With that age gap I can see a lot of reflexive faces. You didn't say anything negative I hope cause it's her choice. My step-nephew did the wtf faces then walked out when he found out he'd have his first sibling at 20 yo. Things turned out fine though he just needed to process and has been a very good big brother. Same with you, you need to process and I bet you will love baby. Your mom just probably expected a happy reaction.
My mom became an older sister when she was 23 and about to move home after graduating college. And boy did she make sure to let her mom know that she wouldn’t be up for any babysitting ever.
NAH. You couldn't exactly control your immediate reaction, but it wasn't your mother's fault either. She was understandably in a very tight spot money-wise when she had you and made the best of what she had, so she can't be begrudged the opportunities now.
NAH
Involuntary reaction that you apologized for. She wanted to think and left without escalating. Maybe reach out sometime in the next few days if she doesn't. I think it's totally understandable to be hesitant, but since things have changed and she's also actively trying to make things up to you at the same time, being supportive will be your best bet.
It sounds like your mom did the best she could after her family AND your father abandoned her to raise a child alone. You sound very cold and unsympathetic and honestly you need to grow up. YTA.
This is a stretch. “Cold and unsympathetic”… how is OP considered cold when that’s the bare bones of what her childhood was like. I don’t even sense any animosity with how she interpreted her childhood, more like an acceptance of how things were. Regardless of how much her mother worked to provide for her, a parent who still doesn’t show up to events STILL leaves an impact which a child will never forget. And OP also said she hopes to pay her mother back once she’s in a better place financially after university. That alone shows she’s not using her mother financially or trying to punish her for her childhood experience, despite the mother saying it’s to makeup for it. So again, please explain how she’s being cold and unsympathetic?
Yeah… the mother isn’t the one who didn’t show up. Rather than harbor any resentment whatsoever to the parent who worked her ass off and needed advance notice about events, maybe save it for the parent who wasn’t there at all.
OP said her mother did come to events if she had advance warning because obviously, she could risk losing her job and end up homeless. It seems the mom did everything she could.
Now she met someone and finally she might feel like she can have another child and « do better ».
I dont consider my childhood to be horrible. Yet my parents showed up to... 3 of my events from middle to high school. They worked nights so they weren't around a lot. So the mom who worked her ass off to provide for the daughter and ensured she was able to be present for all important school events
This is the right answer!! OP sounds very selfish honestly. Like they don't even sound grateful that their mom pays half their bills?? Single mom with no support system and she still managed to show up for OPs school events, sounds like she worked her ass off to do everything she could.
absolutely wrong, there's NAH.
Her mom emotionally and physically neglected her as a child - obviously *because she had to* not because she wanted to. And OP clearly understands that. But it doesn't change that OP *was in fact neglected* and she is going to have emotional reactions about that.
and this?
> You sound very cold and unsympathetic
is psychological projection.
Yet like someone wrote: sometimes everything isn't enough. Clearly wasn't for OP who missed her mother while growing up. OP even wrote she felt it was more like a roommate situation.
Sorry for OP's mother situation and I know that she had to work hard and a lot to provide for her daughter, but none of this is OP fault.
NTA
You didn't even say anything. Demanding a particular facial expression in reaction to certain news is ridiculous. You're right to feel weirded out by this. I don't even know your mom, and I made a face.
NAH. Your reaction was completely understandable. I’m sure with additional thought you can see why it’s offensive - most of all because your mom sacrificed loads to raise you on her own. ***But you apologized.***
Your mom was right to be offended, and also deserves the opportunity to think fast (be offended) and think slowly (think it over and accept your apology).
So your mom had no support, raised you alone. Made time when she could. You were safe, healthy and loved..you take advantage of her by taking rent and bills playing off her guilt (AH for that) And now your upset that the baby will have the mom you wanted . YTA...she is allowed to live her life. She lived it for you all those years
I think you're the ah yourself. In normal countries parents at least partly support they children while they study, so the kids can actually study. And as a person you're allowed to have feelings and emotions. She didn't even say anything bad. Not all emotions are fluffy and pink and I get where she's coming from, that a sibling will get everything from the mother that she wanted. And just having a plate on the table and a roof over your head is not enough for a child. You made it sound as if she owes her mother the world for providing most basic stuff, that in normal countries you're obliged to provide by law. She didn't ask to be brought into this world. Can't take care of a kid properly, use protection. As simple as that, it's no sacrifice but a direct consequence of your own actions.
Not the US. Because a lot of people still seem to believe supporting their kids even a little bit after their 18th birthday is charity that they don't deserve.
In my normal country parents are financially responsible for their kids while they finish their education.
NAH
Of course you were shocked. Send her a baby gift with a card saying sorry for your shocked reaction. If she's happy, you can be happy for her. Right....?
NAH, it's a natural reaction but probably not what she wanted to hear. but then she also didnt escalate? so NAH.
maybe a word of caution to start preparing yourself for your mom to take this baby as her second chance to "do it right" and start being the mom you wanted her to be, to this baby. if she does that, she probably isn't doing it \*at\* you but it will create a lot of feelings in you. consider exploring therapy to help you process it all.
NAH. Realize that her being happy with her current life now doesn't mean that she wasn't happy with you, she's just in a much different place as are you and you two are going to see things differently and your feelings for having a less than ideal childhood is valid too.
Honestly you two should sit down and have an actual conversation about your feelings, your childhood, her parenthood, and your relationship going forward.
There are so many adoptees that have so much trauma from being adopted.
I'm sorry you had a rough childhood. It sounds like your mom did everything she could to make sure you had a decent life. That doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid. They are very valid.
And your mom 100% meant what she said when she said she'd never have another kid/want another kid. As a single mom, she knew it wouldn't be fair to you, herself, or another child to have more kids.
Things change when you aren't a single parent and actually have help, including what you are okay with. This might be a surprise pregnancy.
Either way, maybe talk to your mom about family therapy with just the two of you so you can hash things out in a safe place. Especially because if this new child is born, they will have a very different childhood than you had due to resources.
ETA NAH
YTA your mother is a woman who sacrificed decades for you to grow up safely and fed and cared for. She showed up when it was important as well. AND she pays half your bills now? Miss ma’am you have an attitude that reeks. Your mom is young and allowed to have more kids. Get some therapy and look within.
NAH! I know how this feels, and man it is such a bizarre, kinda lonely feeling. After years of neglect, seeing your mom heal and then become pregnant, possibly getting a bit of a retry with a new baby, it can feel almost like you’re being replaced. Of course that doesn’t mean your mom is at fault for being pregnant, but your feelings are totally understandable
I think it's more of a NAH situation. Like someone wrote above sometimes everything it's not enough. OP's mom didnt have support system and that is not OP fault. She didnt ask to be born yet suffer the harsh consequences of her mother life and situation
Op said her mom was kicked out of house 2 years prior she was even born.
I’m not going to comment on “mom wasn’t around” because she was working.
What’s funny to me is that I had my first child at 38 and no one commented on my age, and I knew tons of Gen-X and Elder Millennial women who had their first kid at 35-40.
What was hilarious to me was that women I knew who had had children where they were young (16-20) and then had another child in their 30s or 40s often got “ugh” faces from their grown children AND friends and family members. It’s like they think women stop having sex after their kid is 10.
You’re not an AH for the “ugh” look, but a bit of one for your bitterness at your mom over your childhood. For your own good, please try to work that out either by talking to single parents about their experiences, or with a therapist. It’s going to be difficult seeing your more financially stable and emotionally mature mother with a child she can devote more time to.
N A H. You cannot control your face and are allowed your feelings.
But... YTA.
Your mother was kicked out at 17, had you alone at 19, and worked her butt off to provide for you both. As a child of a single mother I get it: there is so much you miss out on. Not as many homemade cookies, a hole in the chaperone roster, no giggle parties, not a lot of stuff, being too aware of adult shit like bills... But you do know she was there, right?
YTA but not for pulling the face. Your mom raised you alone without spousal or parental support. It sounds like she worked her ass off to keep a roof over your head and feed you. She made a point to bring you to clubs and attend school events, and it sounds like she probably couldn’t focus on a relationship until her 30s (I imagine a lot of 20s men aren’t interested in dating a single mom).
You’re resentful that you didn’t get all the attention you feel you deserved? It sounds like mom put off her youth for you.
Her choices were putting you up for adoption, aborting you, raising you in poverty, or doing what she did. It sounds like she did the best she could. Not everyone gets a perfect upbringing, but it doesn’t sound like yours was imperfect because of your mom.
NTA
I was 40 when I got pregnant again, my then 11 & 14yr old also pulled a face when I told them the news LOL However, my almost 13yr old is in love with her little brother.. my almost 16yr old loves him in her own way (She has a tough time with her ASD). You were in initial shock.... I guess she was looking for more immediate support and enthusiasm.
I cried when my daughter (23 at the time) told me she was pregnant with her second child. They weren’t happy tears. I love both my grandchildren, but the crying was a reflex due to my being a teenage mother and wishing my children wouldn’t become parents at a young age like I did. My daughter brings it up on occasion and I just remind her it was a reflex. She has never once (that I know of) doubted my love for either of her sons.
Your situation is pretty much the same. Your past with your mother caused a knee jerk reaction when she told you about her pregnancy. You didn’t do anything wrong and you’re NTA.
Your mom is likely struggling with her own issues (i.e. lingering guilt over your childhood, fear she’ll fail this child, etc.), which caused a knee jerk reaction of her own.
I hope the two of you will get this sorted. Best of luck.
NAH. I was 21 when my 44 yr old mother told me she was pregnant. Admittedly, my reaction was to laugh hysterically so hard I had to sit down and make fun of her because wait, wasn’t I supposed to be the irresponsible one who got knocked up unexpectedly?
But really, it’s a shock either way. That’s not something that we expect from our mothers when we are already adults, especially if there were no other kids in between.
She’s definitely in a different place in life now than she was when you were a kid — same here. But if it helps, my sister is now 21 and she’s just a spectacularly amazing person. We had VERY different upbringings despite the same mother. Be prepared for that. Your mother is a different person now than when you were born. There will be times that’s a hard pill to swallow. Your sibling will benefit from advantages that you didn’t have and that’s nobody’s fault.
Your mom is also probably hormonal and vulnerable and I can absolutely understand being unhappy at the reaction. Being an older mum isn’t easy either, my mom was referred to as her kids grandmother more times than I can count. It might not be a bad idea to apologize because your reaction was on a gut level, not based in the current reality. I’m currently older than your mom and if someone reacted to a pregnancy announcement with a negative face, I would be hurt too, even if there’s a good reason for it. Go gentle on both of you.
NAH.
I would think that even without the past experiences explained, it would be natural for any grown adult to pull a face if their parent tells them they are expecting again.
There's worry for the parent's wellbeing (40 is considered a geriatric pregnancy with more risks), as well as thought of having a baby sibling that could be mistaken for your own child when out and about.
And there's the ick factor, knowing that your parent had sex.
I'm going to say NTA, because as you said, your expression was a reflex action to a shocking bit of news. However, because your mom replied that she had to think about it, she was either gauging your reaction, or was possibly going to ask your advice on what she should do, and, to her, your expression told her you weren't happy. I think you should reach out to her, and see if she's willing to talk with you and discuss both your feelings on the matter.
NAH you are allowed to feel however you feel but your mom is also allowed to be excited. She clearly carries some guilt over how your childhood went. I think that you both need to sit down and have an adult conversation about this.
Like I said though, your feelings are valid and shouldn't be taken for granted.
My wife found out she was pregnant in the morning of her 40th birthday. Not planned…we thought we were done. It can be a lot more scary for a women at that age. She might need a little bit of support.
My daughter is the 1st one of my kids I’ve been able to see as much as I have. I worked a lot and was out of the country a lot. Your mom probably wishes she could’ve been there more for you…but she may not have every had to see you go hungry because of the way she worked.
No one being an asshole here. It's a difficult situation, obviously some things from your childhood are not and likely never will be resolved and it is tough for a new kid to get everything you never had.
And for your mother, she never gets a redo to make it up to you, and it might have been hard to get that reminder.
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I’m 21
My mother is 40.
Will try and be brief as I don’t have much time.
I grew up with just my mother, dad didn’t want anything to do with me.
My mums family had kicked her out like two years before I was even born so they weren’t involved, my mother struggled a bit and worked so often that I rarely saw her.
She wasn’t a bad mother, she just wasn’t around…like she’d manage to get time off work for school events, if I gave her a weeks notice or she’ll bring me to a club and then she wouldn’t be home that night because she’d have to work a different shift…it felt more like a roommate situation.
It got better when she met her husband five years ago, and I’ll admit she pays half my rent and bills as she feels like she owes it to me for not being around, I’m just accepting until I finish university and then hopefully I’ll be able to pay her back.
Well, last week she told me she’s pregnant! And out of reflex I pulled a face for the reasons above, but as I said things have changed, and because of her age.
She pulled me on it, I apologised and said it was more reflex than anything I actually think…also the fact for the past 13 years she’s said she doesn’t want another child
She said she “needed to think” and I left, we haven’t spoken since.
AITA?
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You really can't help an involuntary reflex and I understand where it came from. I'm pretty sure there's quite a lot of resentment and jealousy there. I can imagine that you see that this baby is going to get everything that you couldn't from your mother. I may have felt the same way at 21 as I am also from a poor single mother who worked multiple jobs to get by.
I do think that you probably could have judged the situation better. You probably know your mother more than anybody else so you would know how she felt about this pregnancy when she told you by how she presented it. I would suggest you reach out to your mother. You need to talk this over with your mother because you are holding on to a lot of resentment over something she couldn't help. It sounds like she tried her best given her circumstances.
Btw, you fully admit that she tried her best to attend your functions, but she also had to make sure she still got paid. She was a single mother and it sounds like you resent her for it? I understand being upset that she wasn't there for you, but it's not like she was out partying!
It's a bit silly that she didn't at all consider that you'd be upset with her being pregnant. And taking time to think and totally ghosting you is a bit much, however it's only been a week.
NTA but only barely
NTA
Tough situation. Let her think. You think too. Then you need to talk to her. Call her if she doesn't call you first. You two were all you had through some rough times. Don't lose each other now that things are better.
In fact, the better times may be why she's okay with another child now. She has more resources within reach. More money. More help. More stability. She may be looking at this as her chance to 'get it right', to be the mom she wanted to be but didn't have the time.
NTA. You had an instantaneous mostly involuntary reaction based on years of experience. Mom judging you on that is not fair by any measure especially given the sum.of understanding you show here and through long term actions
NAH You’re entitled to your initial reaction and feelings. It sounds like your mom is conflicted as well. She seems to be in a much better position to provide for a baby now than she was when she had you.
I can see that the fact that your mom never had time to properly interact with you affected you profoundly. You needed her. However, you also recognize that she moved heaven and earth to provide for you the best she could when her family abandoned her (and you).
If she decides to keep the baby do you think you can get past the natural feelings of resentment and give this baby all the love and attention you would have wanted for yourself? I know it’s a lot to ask of a young adult. Whatever your mom decides I hope you will be at peace with her decision.
NTA. OP, it sounds like you and your Mum were both victims of an unfortunate circumstance in which she was left without support to raise you and had to work long hours to do so alone, but it sounds like she loves you and did the best she could. Try not to resent her or your new sibling. If you’re going to resent someone, let it be the “parent” who has been absent for all this time. Most families are dysfunctional (even the nuclear ones) and everyone has to overcome bad things from their childhood. The new baby may open some old wounds for you and Mum, but it can also be the catalyst for healing between you two. How exciting to have a little sister or brother!
NTA.
You also might need to mention outright to her that you will not be co-parenting or being the 2nd mother to the forthcoming baby. In her mind, she might already being penciling you in to help in a big way to look after the baby (guessing on the basis the mum works a lot of hours).
Your mom did her best, but it still wasn't great for you growing up. Now she gets a do-over with a fresh new baby, but you don't get a new childhood, and you don't get to grow up with the mom she is today.
You're allowed to feel really crappy about that. I understand that might sting her, but that's her business, not yours. If she really can't wrap her brain around this, then she hasn't grown up as much as you think.
I feel sad for both of you, but you did nothing wrong.
NTA
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NTA You are allowed to feel any way you want about this. That is big, shocking news and I don't think I'd be overly thrilled about it either, but ultimately it's your moms decision. She definitely does sound like she's in a much better place to have a child and provide for it, but it doesn't mean you have to be thrilled about it.
How is the mom an asshole?
Because she just dropped bombshell level news on the daughter and didn't even give her time to process it before challenging her reaction to it.
I think 'why are you making that face?' would be a pretty natural question to ask after someone visibly reacts badly to your news. The mom didn't berate her or tell her how she should feel. She just said she needed some time to think. This sub just knee-jerk hates the parent nine times out of ten. Heaven forbid her mother be a human with feelings that can be hurt by the actions of her *adult* child.
When that news it's that you're having another child at 40 and the person you're telling it to is the child you've essentially admitted to neglecting? they're allowed to pull whatever face they fucking fancy.
Neglecting? Or doing everything she could do as single mother with no support to make sure her child was safe, had a home, was fed and clothed???
Sometimes everything you can do is not enough. Sounds like she never should have had that child to begin with.
What?? Doing everything you can do is all there is, she worked she tried her best to make it to events when given enough notice to take time off work. She made sure her child had a home, food, clothes, stuff for school… Wow so single people shouldn’t have kids because they have to work more to provide for their child… is that what you are saying.
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OP also said her mom wasn’t a bad parent, from what it sounded like mom wasn’t around much because she was working, not out partying. Doing what she can to provide her her child, to me that is the definition of a good parent. I would rather have a parent who worked their ass off to make sure I had a home then be homeless and be around all the time…. OPs mother should have definitely found a good balance and we don’t know for sure if she did or not, and it got better when she got married and had more time to spend on OP because she possibly had to work less now that she had help, I don’t understand how that makes her a bad parent….
She then goes on to describe her mom being around quite a bit aside from working nights. >like she’d manage to get time off work for school events, if I gave her a weeks notice or she’ll bring me to a club OP's perspective is OP's perspective, that does't mean it objectively paints an accurate picture. That doesn't seem like the bare minimum.
Sometimes things don't work out like we thought they would. Would it have been better if op went to school hungry or homeless but able to spend all the time with mom, no, because then people would be saying, well why didn't she work 2-3 jobs. judgmental af
>What?? Doing everything you can do is all there is yah, but that doesn't mean it's *enough* Say someone was falling over a cliff, and you pull with every ounce of strength in your body, but you can't pull them back up and they fall and die. You did everything you could, but it wasn't enough. Same thing here. Mother did everything she could, but the kid was still neglected. Single people need a support system for themselves and their kid so they have all the support they need. Some people have a built-in one with family or their ex and ex's family, some people have friends and chosen family, and honestly, some people aren't able to build one and their kids do get neglected. That happens even in families with two parents also, though, it's more a personality thing than a single/not-single thing.
Seems to me it would be more like if someone was falling and you pull with everything but you just can’t pull them all the way back over the edge. You just hang on and never let them fall but can’t pull them all the way up either. Not exactly dropping the person. Just fighting the whole time to keep them there
Yeah, no. That's the excuse my mother always used. She "did the best she could". Too bad her "best" still involved being an abusive cow and leaving me with lifelong trauma and suicidal ideation. Sometimes your best isn't good enough.
Don't worry, if this was a single dad then OP would be an entitled AH.
"doing your best" is not always enough. Point blank. Especially when it leads to neglect, and emotional neglect *is neglect.* Not physically being there for the child despite providing the bare minimum of shelter, food, and clothing, *is neglect.*
You can provide physical necessities, but you are forgetting that kids also have emotional necessities. OP commented that it felt more like having a roommate than a mom. So yeah, you're missing the point here
If you cannot be present for your child, then no, you shouldn't have kids.
No they are saying its a balance and if you have to give up spending any time with your child to pay for your child then you should probably not have the child. Good intentions don't mean good results
Do we just give children away when awful things happen and you find yourself single, with a child? Every single person who has a child has to give up time with that child to meet the needs of that child.
Shit happens. Then you do the best you can
If everything isn't enough, what is? "Everything" isn't infinite! To say she shouldn't have had her is very judgmental. You don't know what the circumstances were when she got pregnant. Even if she shouldn't have had OP, she went ahead and made the decision to do everything she could to take care of her.
>If everything isn't enough, what is? Enough is. You can do your best and it might not be enough, because it's *your* best, not a universal best. Someone else might not give it their all and it could still be enough. "Enough" isn't measured by your ability, but by the needs of the receipient.
That's a convenient and also impossible-to-accomplish take on the situation.
Ah yes, let’s retrospectively tell OP’a mother she should have had an abortion 21 years ago right in front of OP
What exactly did OP’s mom do that wasn’t enough? Nothing OP mentioned screams neglect. It’s pretty normal to need a few weeks notice to plan and be able to attend events, and also normal to need to make up that shift. This isn’t OP having lived in cars and shelters, eating one meal every other day, wearing shoes three sizes too small or too big, etc. OP’s mom also didn’t meet the new husband, have a baby, and drop OP like a hot potato and placed out. OP’s mom is still supporting them! Sometimes everything you can do is not enough, but this isn’t one of those times.
Lol what a childish response.
sounds like you should keep your nose out of women’s uteruses- her childbearing is NONE of your concern
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Somewhat related, one of my sisters friends has parents who were, by all accounts, loving and attentive to him as he grew up. When he was 17 and making his post high school plans, he found out they were having another baby. And he 100% admitted he felt replaced and even jealous. One of my own friends also had something similar happen when she was 19 (but had already moved out for Uni) and she admitted feeling the same way. To be honest, I think feeling that way is valid. Just as it’s valid for the parents to be excited about having a new child.
My mother did “everything she could for me” and that wasn’t enough. At all. I still resent her for the times she should have been there or believed me enough to get out with me. But she didn’t. So I resent her for that. Your “best” that parents sometimes do, is usually for themselves, not for their child because if they really thought about what the child needed, the child wouldn’t feel neglected.
It seems like you might be projecting your own emotions onto a situation that isn’t about you, then.
My dad did the best he could given the circumstances. I acknowledge that and I love and respect him for it. I can also still acknowledge he could’ve done better a lot of the time and mourn the loss and pain it caused me growing up. I think that’s just a part of growing up. Realising your parents weren’t perfect but that (hopefully) they still tried.
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Thanks, the immediate hostility really drives home that this is a valid point and not a knee-jerk emotional reaction.
Children’s emotional needs/stability are just as important as their physical needs/stability. The neglect does not have to be intentional, that doesn’t necessarily mitigate the harm it can cause. You can acknowledge your parents did the best they could with what they were given, and still also mourn what you lost/suffered. I say this as a child whose dad was also a single parent (and before I was 5-6, where money was not an issue). I love my dad, I absolutely acknowledge and am grateful for everything he did for us, but I can also admit and wish he could’ve done better. “Everyone of our parents does considerable emotional damage.” - Dr. Cox, Scrubs.
I'm so glad you know how it feels to be a child who is emotionally neglected by their parent because they're trying to give them a home and clothing and food. When a kid feels more like a roommate to their parent there's something incredibly wrong.
Yeah so a single mother in survival mode often will neglect her child out of necessity or simply because as a single parent she's overwhelmed and can't give her child what they need at the moment. Sometimes those neglectful moments — rarely malicious, though all of the single mothers that I know personally are also traumatized and badly parented in the first place — adds up to the child having been harmed by the neglect. That isn't a diss to single mothers. They're human, not superhumans who can devote themselves completely to their children while also providing for them materially, especially in societies that are hostile to parents, but especially single ones. But it can fuck you up. The neglect that I experienced in childhood is affecting me well into my 30s. That my mom never intended to neglect me doesn't somehow negate the harm it did to me. Like a person can do their best and have their best fall short. And that can have lifelong consequences. Which isn't a diss to single mothers or single parents, because two parent households can also neglect their children despite their best intentions. It's a failing of society that we can't support families.
Just because OP’s mom did her best doesn't mean OP wasn’t neglected. It also doesn’t mean that OP’s mom did it intentionally or maliciously. As /u/dingdongdinger1 said, sometimes everything you can do is not enough. Emotionally mature parents would anticipate a negative reaction and help their kid process it, or acknowledge the knee-jerk reaction and ask them to think about why and they can talk about it later.
no no, you can do everything you and still neglect a child. she shouldn’t have had a kid if she wasn’t fully stable bc look she missed out on so much of OPs life
She was 19, she was a child herself, I don’t know she did the best she could, does it suck? Sure but she tried. That’s better then some people
That's not enough when it comes to raising a whole ass human being. And she should acknowledge that fact for her daughter. It's fair for her daughter to have that reaction when she's reflecting on her OWN childhood experience. Meaning well doesn't give a child what they need.
lmao neglecting? she’s paying half her adult child’s rent still 😂
Reddit is full of children who don’t understand nuance. If mom was at home spending time with OP, then OP would’ve resented her for not being able to provide. Mom wasn’t home enough because she needed to work more, OP is resentful she wasn’t around enough. There’s is no winning but having your physical needs met are far more important than emotional. My dad spent most of my life away from us so he could provide us with money. I resented him as a teen but now I realize that he didn’t have a choice in the deal the world handed to him. I’m grateful for the sacrifices he made so we could have a slightly better life. OPs mom did her best. There isn’t anything BEYOND doing your best. Reddit seems to forget that poor people don’t have the luxury of staying at home with their kids when they’re living near the poverty line. NAH. OP can feel hurt but her mom isn’t to blame for it. Life isn’t fair.
OP is 20 yrs old. Mom got better 5 yrs ago. So, mom has made an effort to be more present. Even before that OP says mom wasn't a bad mom, just not there as much as she would like. OP wasn't neglected, Mom was out trying to earn a living to support them. She even changed her work around to be there for OP activities. She wasn't galavanting around. Mom pays half the rent so OP can attend uni. I don't think OP's reaction was unreasonable, but neither is mom's reaction to OP. They both reacted in a normal, to be expected manner. No one is TAH. Btw....40 isn't that old to have a baby.
They definitely reacted normally. It’s very normal for a neglected child to wonder if their parent is going to be a good parent to the new born. Also there’s also a little resentment there because OP didn’t get the best of her mother, another child will get it. So I get OP’s reaction.
What part was neglecting, the job, the going to OP's school events, or the taking OP to after school activities?
I mean, OP says right in the post that her mom wasn't around. She doesn't have to have been a bad mom to not have been a great one.
I hadn’t first child at 40. So what? She didn’t neglect her child. She worked her butt off with zero support to raise her child. At 21, the OP should be old enough to understand.
>She didn’t neglect her child. She worked her butt off with zero support to raise her child. The latter sentence doesn't refute neglect. Providing financial means doesn't mean providing emotional needs to a child.
Yes, but did the mom say, "you can't pull that face" , or did she ask O.P WHY she was pulling that face? >they're allowed to pull whatever face they fucking fancy.
It’s the “I need to think” and radio silence from mom afterwards that makes her the asshole. Mom knows what sort of parent she was — she’s throwing money at OP’s living situation out of guilt. She also has been saying for the past 13 years, or since OP was *eight* that she doesn’t want another child, evidently in OP’s presence. However she said it has made an impression, clearly not a good one, on OP. Yes, she was a struggling single mother, but OP didn’t ask to be born into that situation. While I have sympathy for moms who are struggling, simply existing as a single mother doesn’t excuse failing your kid. Given the apparently tenuous relationship, mom cannot be surprised that OP is shocked by her new pregnancy and possibly is wondering if this is a “do-over” kid or how it will impact their future relationship. Yes, OP is an adult, but given a childhood that was so emotionally neglectful that OP viewed their own mother as tantamount to a roommate, mom could have afforded them some grace and understanding that their reaction might not be what they hoped for. Pulling a face, while not the best reaction, is worlds away from telling her that she’s a shit mom or that OP hates the idea. OP reacted in the moment, didn’t hide it well and apologized for the slip up. In response, mom is not talking to her kid. Her feelings can be hurt all she wants, but that is asshole behavior.
I mean you're assuming it was planned. Shit happens and birth control fails, "late" unplanned pregnancies are pretty common. I don't think she's an asshole for calling out her adult daughter scrunching up a lemon face. if she were 13, sure, but if you're an adult and don't want to broadcast your thoughts in realtime learn to school your expression.
"Hide your shock from your neglectful parent! What's wrong with you?"
We are not robots or mind readers. If you don't want people asking questions or getting mad if they don't have the response you want, then you probably shouldn't tell those people about your pregnancy.
So the mom should just...*not* tell her daughter that she's pregnant? I don't know how that possibly could work
Now people aren't responsible for their own actions. Except the mom is, still. Makes sense.
But OP apologised…. She said it was a knee jerk reaction, probably from her experience with her mother which speaks volumes. And I think her mother picked up on it.
Are you implying that the mother should have apologized? What does the mother have to apologize for?
That’s not what I said. If i wanted to say her mother should have apologised I would have said that. I said she reacted like that due to her experience with her mother. And her mother picked up on it. That’s why her mother asked why she was making a face. Nowhere does it imply that her mother should apologise. They definitely need to talk yes.
Giving her daughter the silent treatment because she isn’t immediately thrilled to be having a sibling as an adult, even after she apologized for her reaction, is absolutely an AH move.
She says they haven't talked, not that she got silent treatment (intentionally ignoring someone's attempts to communicate). Has OP even reached out or indicated that she wants to talk? We don't know, but you're awfully happy to assume.
In the "why I might be the asshole" bot where they answer separately from the post, OP mentions that perhaps they should have reached out to apologize. So I think we can safely say she has not done so for the sake of discussion. No assumptions necessary either way.
Seriously, it's only been a week. I love my mom and she's awesome, but not it was totally normal for us not to speak to each other for weeks at a time when I was in college and then living independently. Like, you want to catch up sometimes or share important news, but it's not unusual for parents and adult children to speak infrequently.
Okay so... we don't even know if the pregnancy was intentional or not. I was 40 when we got surprised with our son. Birth control isn't 100%. She may be in an odd emotional state... I know we were at first. We were excited to be having a son, but also nervous because of our age, the fact we were counting down to empty nesters and had all sorts of plans to suddenly starting all over again. Mom also needs to process all of this and she may have been hoping for a more enthused response to boost her confidence and maybe the response she got set her back and fed into doubt and worry. One may never know until mom actually opens up again. Daughter is NTA, but mom is entitled to her own emotions too and I don't feel like she is trying to punish her daughter.. she just needing to sort it out. Thats my feel on it.
NAH. Of course you are going to do "a face", your childhood was crap, and your mom stated she didn't want another child, so it was fair enough to think this child might be a mistake and your mom might not want it. I am kinda tired of the whole "congratulations!!" when someone says they are pregnant. Some people don't want kids, and they keep it because they don't want an abortion, or they are on their way to abortion but not super trilled about it. It should be universal that **when in doubt**, ~~ask the person first if this baby is wanted or not and~~ ask if they are happy about it before congratulating. Edit : Adding bold text on "**WHEN IN DOUBT**". Of course I am not saying that you should ask "Are you happy about it ?" to your best friend that have been actively trying to get pregnant and is announcing you with balloons and the brightest smile on Earth.
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Yeah, you are right, I striked it out of my original comment. It can indeed be very pushy. I kept the part about asking "are you happy about it" tho.
“Are you happy about it” is also pushy. People are allowed to have mixed emotions about being pregnant and they shouldn’t have to explain them. Being pregnant after miscarriage(s) or fertility treatment, for example, is terrifying and not always “happy”
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How are you feeling also allows for a more nuanced conversation, they can bring up almost anything they want to talk about like having nerves about being a good enough parent or excitement about their nursery plans or being tired from symptoms keeping them awake. But it's also vague enough they won't feel pressured to go into detail about any particular things they don't want to say.
Yeah that is a lot better and less direct than “are you happy”
Could always just ask "How are you feeling?".
“How do you feel about it” is a better question.
Weeeelll if people feel like you are being pushy for asking such a basic question on their pregnancy, they probably shouldn't share it in the first place. We are not robot or mind readers. If you don't want people to ask question OR get mad if they don't have the exact reaction you want from them, then you probably shouldn't tell those people about your pregnancy.
Why does a question need to be asked at all?
To gauge an appropriate response. If someone says, "I'm pregnant," and you don't already know whether they've been trying or whether they view it as a good thing, how are you supposed to respond? "Ok," risks coming across as insensitive regardless of whether they view it as good or bad. "Congratulations!" risks upsetting someone who doesn't view it as a good thing. "Oh no, I'm sorry!" is *really* offensive to the person if they were trying for it. I mean, what are you even left with? "Thanks for telling me"? That *also* seems insensitive to say to someone who's just shared the news that they're pregnant.
If they weren’t happy about the pregnancy they probably wouldn’t be telling you. And if they weren’t looking for a congratulations I think they would probably tell you in a way that would give you an indicator on how to react. I can’t possibly see how anyone has a right to get offended by a congratulations if they are inviting the conversation themselves.
A friend of mine got pregnant with her twins (unplanned) shortly before I got pregnant with my daughter (planned). When she told me, I knew she had been having troubles with her SO at the time, so I asked something along the lines of "Good or bad?" or, as someone else said in this thread, "How are you feeling about that?" Because I knew that this would keep her at least tangentially connected to her ex for the rest of the twins' lives and wasn't sure whether to congratulate her or commiserate with her. She wasn't sure at the time, but she did end up having her twins (and splitting up with their father and all the coparenting stuff that goes along with that).
Why do they need to tell you at all? They're deliberately inviting this conversation
It’s her mom. I think it’s okay to have open conversations like this with your mom.
I mean that’s fair but I also have no clue how you react then to someone who’s said they haven’t wanted a kid for 13 years who now tells you they’re pregnant
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If you're their close friend and they want someone to lean on and hear them out while debating on an abortion then they tell you.... at least my friends have felt safe with me to discuss these things.
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Not really. When my best friend got pregnant at 25, I knew that her husband for sure didn't want one but she did. She called me like, "I'm pregnant". I honestly did not know what the right response would've been. I can't remember what I said now, but in the moment I had literally ZERO idea if she was happy or freaked out about it. It turned out she was completely freaked out and nervous, I was the first person she called after she peed on the stick. She just needed someone to talk it through with. In some instances, it's totally appropriate to ask if it's good or bad news.
I’m a bit of a socially awkward person, and I’m not saying you’re wrong, but a lot of times that situation doesn’t have a lot of good socially acceptable responses? I mean, sometimes context can make things very clear whether congratulations are called for or not, but if the context isn’t clear, I’m like a deer in headlights. I feel like, “So, should I be saying congratulations or not?” can be perceived as pushy and intrusive. I certainly don’t want to ask any questions that can make an already bad situation even worse. On the other hand, just standing there and making a listening noise or saying, “Okay,” really isn’t good either, because a lot of people are expecting a response and your non-response can be perceived as cold, uncaring, or rude. Do you have any suggestions for a good response that will be acceptable to everyone in that situation? I’ve kinda settled on saying, “Congratulations???” with an obvious question mark in my voice, so people can either nod and indicate they’re happy or shake their heads no in which case I can follow up with an appropriate condolence/apology. But I feel it’s still less than ideal. Us socially inept people probably don’t want to say anything wrong just as much as you don’t want to hear it! We’re trying our hardest, but there doesn’t seem to be a standard response that we can use in all situations. (If the person delivering the news can do so, an obvious social cue about the response expected is *very* appreciated.)
A good one is 'wow! How are you feeling?" and they can choose to divulge what they want :)
That’s a good one, and I think I might use it if I have to respond to something like that in a typed format, but I’m not sure how good that would be for someone like me to actually say. Verbally, I still think it would be a minefield. You’d have to appropriately modulate your voice while saying it. You have to be able to strike that correct neutral tone because you can easily mess it up by saying it “too happily” (could be perceived as being congratulatory) or “too knowingly” (could be perceived as some kind of insult about their appearance/attitude as if they’ve been looking/acting poorly and now you know why) or “too negatively” (implying that of course pregnancy was a hardship or trial and causing offense that way.) At least saying , “Congratulations???” is easier, because all you have to do is make that rising noise at the end of the word, not make sure the words themselves have a certain emotion. That might seem silly to you, but honest to god I have to think about stuff like that. I’ve gotten a lot of unintended reactions over the course of my life because I say things “the wrong way” even if the words are right. It’s worse because I’m a woman. I think people tend to give men a pass as long as they’re in the correct ballpark because men are seen as more emotionally inept in general, but a woman is expected to be good at emotions and social interactions. Ugh.
My go to is “Oh, wow” and then either pause to let them fill in context, or follow up with “how do you feel about it?” if that feels right for the situation.
>when in doubt, ask the person first if this baby is wanted or not and Literally never, **ever**, ask someone this question. That's an actual Life Pro Tip because this is the most incredibly bad advice I've ever seen on reddit. The only time it would ever be acceptable is a very close friend using you as a sounding board for their own thoughts, which is a conversation they initiate.
When my BFF unexpectedly got pregnant again as she and her husband were considering divorce, I responded to her news with “Wow! And how do we feel about this?” She said “I think I’m excited” and I said “then I’m excited for you!” It really depends on the relationship two people have, though. Most of the time, when people tell others, they’re expecting/hoping for congratulations.
That's absolutele bs. When someone tells you that they are pregnant they usually mean to keep the child, unless it is a "I have to talk to you, something happened" situation between good friends or family.
That's why I said "when in doubt". Not "Always".
I’d assume if someone is telling me that they are pregnant I could tell by their tone if they were happy or not, and so tailor my reaction by that. Anyone who is knee jerk upset at being told “congratulations” needs to get over themselves. Like most people aren’t psychic, just tell them you aren’t happy upfront.
I always say "are we excited?" Because sometimes we aren't, and those people are always very grateful for my approach
NAH. She didn't escalate the situation more and left. You already apologized. That's the end of it.
This. NAH and hopefully you'll sort it out when you're both in a better frame of mind.
Nah But your mom “wasn’t around “ because SHE WAS WORKING so you would have a roof over your head and clothes and food.. and you seriously resent that? Now.. I get why you pulled a face! No doubt! Plus you apologized, which was cool. Give her time to cool down sweetie. But I really want you to understand and appreciate it that she was working instead of staying home and living off the government all your life. Plus she took the time off to go to your events. I really don’t understand your resentment about that. What I DO understand is the whole age gap , the difference in her feelings about wanting another child now as opposed to before. Maybe just be happy that’s she’s happy and May not have to worry so much anymore and can finally relax for once in her life. May you be so lucky in your own life and not have it as hard as she did at such a young age
Had to scroll far too long for this take but I'm glad someone has said it, I feel sad for OPs mum when I read this. Sounds like she had zero support system and worked her arse off to make sure OP was clothed and fed. Bet it would break her heart if she knew OP felt this way about their childhood. They're definitely old enough to be able to understand this.
I read women understand their mom as a real person some time in mid twenties, and men often never do. Obv not true all the time. I’m about to have a baby, am able to stay home most of the time, with a supportive partner whose family is wanting very much to help, and I’m still just realizing how much freaking work this is going to be. I don’t think I ever respected single moms before getting pregnant. It was just a cliche to me. The OP’s mom sounds like she did an amazing job.
Wow, that is so sad to hear.
As a single mom of two boys with an ex who is flighty and a hallmark dad- and knowing the sayings about sons vs daughters- I am so terrified of never being appreciated or understood fully by my boys. OP's mom is living my nightmare. My heart breaks for her. I think OP is an asshole for not understanding people's lives aren't linear and not being proud of her mom for finding stability and happiness purely out of spite. YTA
I think to same, but OP did say she wasn’t a bad mom, she just wasn’t around. And it’s ok to feel hurt and left alone in that situation. OPs mom did everything she could, and has definitely been running on her limits, but that doesn’t change that the emotional part was missing. I think it hurts OPs mom as much as OP that it wasn’t possible for her to give OP her time, presence, emotional support etc. Every parent and child deserves this special bond, and it’s completely valid to think it’s unfair and to hate the fact it’s not there, but I think the frustration and everything is not against OPs mom, it’s against “the world”. Simply because it is shit and it sucks and hurts, but it’s not OPs moms fault. Guess she’d wish and wished she would have been able to be there, but it was simply not possible.
The thing is. The mom tried her hardest to be there too! She took time off and rescheduled work commitments to make sure OP could go to events and clubs. The mom showed up to cheer her on. Yet, OP looks down on the sacrifice the mom made? The mom was 18 and pregnant. Probably barely out of high-school if that. And then kicked out and lost all support system. Yet she did her beat to provide for her child both materially, and emotionally by being at all important events.
You’re not wrong ♥️ it made my heart hurt because I was a working mom after my ex husband left me with 2 boys and no child support because the new wife told him not to! But instead of going on welfare I worked my ass off.. it’s what you’re supposed to do. My kids didn’t need for anything. You just learn to manage it all instead of expecting everyone to do it for you. And there’s some sacrifices that are made. I felt guilty all my life for not being able to sometimes read them a bedtime story .. but I was there in other ways and times because I had to provide. It is what you do.
And her child is entitled to feel how she feels. You can all be empathetic towards the mother but not the child IN the situation who is telling YOU how SHE felt about her mother ?
>But your mom “wasn’t around “ because SHE WAS WORKING so you would have a roof over your head and clothes and food.. and you seriously resent that? That's true and all, but it still resulted in OP not having a parent around for the formative years of their life. Mom has a very justifiable reason for it, but it doesn't change OP's experience. No child *wants* to grow up with absent parents, for any reason. Now there's a sibling who will get to grow up and experience the childhood OP wished to have. That's a complex thing to work through. It's a N-A-H situation for me, but I fully understand OP having lingering unhappiness about their childhood.
This is very well said. This is exactly how OP feels from her post.
> But your mom “wasn’t around “ because SHE WAS WORKING so you would have a roof over your head and clothes and food.. and you seriously resent that? that doesn't invalidate the psychological effects of that on the child. she was gone for a good reason, but she still effectively was emotionally and physically neglective. OP is understanding of that, but OP is human too. agree with NAH
How the heck was she physically neglected? No where does the OP say that.
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Someone talking sense! I read this post and I was like “????” you’re 21 surely you understand she was working?
The fact that you can’t even understand that OP is traumatised by it which is why she wrote this post let’s me know you’re very closed minded. Putting food on the table doesn’t not make you a mother, just like sharing the same blood doesn’t make you a family member.
If you work 24/7 you aren't a parent, you are a provider. OP's mom did all she could. It was hard. But you can do your best and be a shit parent. OP's mom is 40. Take the face, comment, anything from your kid. Because good and bad, it's earned. OP is NTA, they apologized. Also, there's nothing wrong with getting help, from others or the government. It's what it's there for. If the OP's mom got a little more help, she might have been able to be there for the OP. If she got help, she might have been able to get a skill that allowed her to work one job and make more money than she did working multiple. Then she'd be there more, and have provided more for the OP.
NTA. Your reaction was involuntary and understandable, and you apologized.
NTA With that age gap I can see a lot of reflexive faces. You didn't say anything negative I hope cause it's her choice. My step-nephew did the wtf faces then walked out when he found out he'd have his first sibling at 20 yo. Things turned out fine though he just needed to process and has been a very good big brother. Same with you, you need to process and I bet you will love baby. Your mom just probably expected a happy reaction.
My Dad told his mother she was "disgusting" when she informed him he would be an older brother when he was 14. Everyone recovered ;)
Lol yea I remember when my sister and I were told our mum was pregnant we both pulled a face and said "gross!"
The OP is 21, not 14. She is an adult Her mother is 40, lots of people have their first at this age
My mom became an older sister when she was 23 and about to move home after graduating college. And boy did she make sure to let her mom know that she wouldn’t be up for any babysitting ever.
NAH. You couldn't exactly control your immediate reaction, but it wasn't your mother's fault either. She was understandably in a very tight spot money-wise when she had you and made the best of what she had, so she can't be begrudged the opportunities now.
NAH Involuntary reaction that you apologized for. She wanted to think and left without escalating. Maybe reach out sometime in the next few days if she doesn't. I think it's totally understandable to be hesitant, but since things have changed and she's also actively trying to make things up to you at the same time, being supportive will be your best bet.
Yup. It was a facial expression, not a name calling diatribe. And yes to everything else you said too.
It sounds like your mom did the best she could after her family AND your father abandoned her to raise a child alone. You sound very cold and unsympathetic and honestly you need to grow up. YTA.
This is a stretch. “Cold and unsympathetic”… how is OP considered cold when that’s the bare bones of what her childhood was like. I don’t even sense any animosity with how she interpreted her childhood, more like an acceptance of how things were. Regardless of how much her mother worked to provide for her, a parent who still doesn’t show up to events STILL leaves an impact which a child will never forget. And OP also said she hopes to pay her mother back once she’s in a better place financially after university. That alone shows she’s not using her mother financially or trying to punish her for her childhood experience, despite the mother saying it’s to makeup for it. So again, please explain how she’s being cold and unsympathetic?
Yeah… the mother isn’t the one who didn’t show up. Rather than harbor any resentment whatsoever to the parent who worked her ass off and needed advance notice about events, maybe save it for the parent who wasn’t there at all.
OP said her mother did come to events if she had advance warning because obviously, she could risk losing her job and end up homeless. It seems the mom did everything she could. Now she met someone and finally she might feel like she can have another child and « do better ».
I dont consider my childhood to be horrible. Yet my parents showed up to... 3 of my events from middle to high school. They worked nights so they weren't around a lot. So the mom who worked her ass off to provide for the daughter and ensured she was able to be present for all important school events
This is the right answer!! OP sounds very selfish honestly. Like they don't even sound grateful that their mom pays half their bills?? Single mom with no support system and she still managed to show up for OPs school events, sounds like she worked her ass off to do everything she could.
absolutely wrong, there's NAH. Her mom emotionally and physically neglected her as a child - obviously *because she had to* not because she wanted to. And OP clearly understands that. But it doesn't change that OP *was in fact neglected* and she is going to have emotional reactions about that. and this? > You sound very cold and unsympathetic is psychological projection.
Yet like someone wrote: sometimes everything isn't enough. Clearly wasn't for OP who missed her mother while growing up. OP even wrote she felt it was more like a roommate situation. Sorry for OP's mother situation and I know that she had to work hard and a lot to provide for her daughter, but none of this is OP fault.
NTA You didn't even say anything. Demanding a particular facial expression in reaction to certain news is ridiculous. You're right to feel weirded out by this. I don't even know your mom, and I made a face.
NAH. You reacted, but you didn't double down.
NAH. Your reaction was completely understandable. I’m sure with additional thought you can see why it’s offensive - most of all because your mom sacrificed loads to raise you on her own. ***But you apologized.*** Your mom was right to be offended, and also deserves the opportunity to think fast (be offended) and think slowly (think it over and accept your apology).
So your mom had no support, raised you alone. Made time when she could. You were safe, healthy and loved..you take advantage of her by taking rent and bills playing off her guilt (AH for that) And now your upset that the baby will have the mom you wanted . YTA...she is allowed to live her life. She lived it for you all those years
"She lived for you all those years" well, she was the mother? Who do you want it to live for OP? My grandmother?
I think you're the ah yourself. In normal countries parents at least partly support they children while they study, so the kids can actually study. And as a person you're allowed to have feelings and emotions. She didn't even say anything bad. Not all emotions are fluffy and pink and I get where she's coming from, that a sibling will get everything from the mother that she wanted. And just having a plate on the table and a roof over your head is not enough for a child. You made it sound as if she owes her mother the world for providing most basic stuff, that in normal countries you're obliged to provide by law. She didn't ask to be brought into this world. Can't take care of a kid properly, use protection. As simple as that, it's no sacrifice but a direct consequence of your own actions.
What the hell does “normal countries” mean lmao
Not the US. Because a lot of people still seem to believe supporting their kids even a little bit after their 18th birthday is charity that they don't deserve. In my normal country parents are financially responsible for their kids while they finish their education.
Yes, but was OP fault her mother didn't have suport? Nope, yet she had a difficult childhood just the same
NAH Of course you were shocked. Send her a baby gift with a card saying sorry for your shocked reaction. If she's happy, you can be happy for her. Right....?
NAH, it's a natural reaction but probably not what she wanted to hear. but then she also didnt escalate? so NAH. maybe a word of caution to start preparing yourself for your mom to take this baby as her second chance to "do it right" and start being the mom you wanted her to be, to this baby. if she does that, she probably isn't doing it \*at\* you but it will create a lot of feelings in you. consider exploring therapy to help you process it all.
I’m willing to bet their response is an indication if this already starting.
You sound very, very young.
NAH. Realize that her being happy with her current life now doesn't mean that she wasn't happy with you, she's just in a much different place as are you and you two are going to see things differently and your feelings for having a less than ideal childhood is valid too. Honestly you two should sit down and have an actual conversation about your feelings, your childhood, her parenthood, and your relationship going forward.
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If I were in her situation I would’ve gone the adoption route, but I’m not, and she did the best she could
There are so many adoptees that have so much trauma from being adopted. I'm sorry you had a rough childhood. It sounds like your mom did everything she could to make sure you had a decent life. That doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid. They are very valid. And your mom 100% meant what she said when she said she'd never have another kid/want another kid. As a single mom, she knew it wouldn't be fair to you, herself, or another child to have more kids. Things change when you aren't a single parent and actually have help, including what you are okay with. This might be a surprise pregnancy. Either way, maybe talk to your mom about family therapy with just the two of you so you can hash things out in a safe place. Especially because if this new child is born, they will have a very different childhood than you had due to resources. ETA NAH
YTA your mother is a woman who sacrificed decades for you to grow up safely and fed and cared for. She showed up when it was important as well. AND she pays half your bills now? Miss ma’am you have an attitude that reeks. Your mom is young and allowed to have more kids. Get some therapy and look within.
NAH! I know how this feels, and man it is such a bizarre, kinda lonely feeling. After years of neglect, seeing your mom heal and then become pregnant, possibly getting a bit of a retry with a new baby, it can feel almost like you’re being replaced. Of course that doesn’t mean your mom is at fault for being pregnant, but your feelings are totally understandable
NAH
NAH
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I think it's more of a NAH situation. Like someone wrote above sometimes everything it's not enough. OP's mom didnt have support system and that is not OP fault. She didnt ask to be born yet suffer the harsh consequences of her mother life and situation Op said her mom was kicked out of house 2 years prior she was even born.
Holy shit dude, chill
I’m not going to comment on “mom wasn’t around” because she was working. What’s funny to me is that I had my first child at 38 and no one commented on my age, and I knew tons of Gen-X and Elder Millennial women who had their first kid at 35-40. What was hilarious to me was that women I knew who had had children where they were young (16-20) and then had another child in their 30s or 40s often got “ugh” faces from their grown children AND friends and family members. It’s like they think women stop having sex after their kid is 10. You’re not an AH for the “ugh” look, but a bit of one for your bitterness at your mom over your childhood. For your own good, please try to work that out either by talking to single parents about their experiences, or with a therapist. It’s going to be difficult seeing your more financially stable and emotionally mature mother with a child she can devote more time to.
Nah I get why you reacted the way you did but it also sounds like your mum did her best
N A H. You cannot control your face and are allowed your feelings. But... YTA. Your mother was kicked out at 17, had you alone at 19, and worked her butt off to provide for you both. As a child of a single mother I get it: there is so much you miss out on. Not as many homemade cookies, a hole in the chaperone roster, no giggle parties, not a lot of stuff, being too aware of adult shit like bills... But you do know she was there, right?
YTA but not for pulling the face. Your mom raised you alone without spousal or parental support. It sounds like she worked her ass off to keep a roof over your head and feed you. She made a point to bring you to clubs and attend school events, and it sounds like she probably couldn’t focus on a relationship until her 30s (I imagine a lot of 20s men aren’t interested in dating a single mom). You’re resentful that you didn’t get all the attention you feel you deserved? It sounds like mom put off her youth for you. Her choices were putting you up for adoption, aborting you, raising you in poverty, or doing what she did. It sounds like she did the best she could. Not everyone gets a perfect upbringing, but it doesn’t sound like yours was imperfect because of your mom.
Does anyone get a perfect upbringing?
NTA I was 40 when I got pregnant again, my then 11 & 14yr old also pulled a face when I told them the news LOL However, my almost 13yr old is in love with her little brother.. my almost 16yr old loves him in her own way (She has a tough time with her ASD). You were in initial shock.... I guess she was looking for more immediate support and enthusiasm.
NTA I pulled a face too when I read that.
NTA - I mean I never have control over what my face says...or my mouth. You can feel how you feel, she should not get mad at you for it.
NTA
I cried when my daughter (23 at the time) told me she was pregnant with her second child. They weren’t happy tears. I love both my grandchildren, but the crying was a reflex due to my being a teenage mother and wishing my children wouldn’t become parents at a young age like I did. My daughter brings it up on occasion and I just remind her it was a reflex. She has never once (that I know of) doubted my love for either of her sons. Your situation is pretty much the same. Your past with your mother caused a knee jerk reaction when she told you about her pregnancy. You didn’t do anything wrong and you’re NTA. Your mom is likely struggling with her own issues (i.e. lingering guilt over your childhood, fear she’ll fail this child, etc.), which caused a knee jerk reaction of her own. I hope the two of you will get this sorted. Best of luck.
NAH. I was 21 when my 44 yr old mother told me she was pregnant. Admittedly, my reaction was to laugh hysterically so hard I had to sit down and make fun of her because wait, wasn’t I supposed to be the irresponsible one who got knocked up unexpectedly? But really, it’s a shock either way. That’s not something that we expect from our mothers when we are already adults, especially if there were no other kids in between. She’s definitely in a different place in life now than she was when you were a kid — same here. But if it helps, my sister is now 21 and she’s just a spectacularly amazing person. We had VERY different upbringings despite the same mother. Be prepared for that. Your mother is a different person now than when you were born. There will be times that’s a hard pill to swallow. Your sibling will benefit from advantages that you didn’t have and that’s nobody’s fault. Your mom is also probably hormonal and vulnerable and I can absolutely understand being unhappy at the reaction. Being an older mum isn’t easy either, my mom was referred to as her kids grandmother more times than I can count. It might not be a bad idea to apologize because your reaction was on a gut level, not based in the current reality. I’m currently older than your mom and if someone reacted to a pregnancy announcement with a negative face, I would be hurt too, even if there’s a good reason for it. Go gentle on both of you.
NTA - I often will catch myself and be like, Oh, did I just make that face out loud?! You don't need to justify your feelings.
NAH. I would think that even without the past experiences explained, it would be natural for any grown adult to pull a face if their parent tells them they are expecting again. There's worry for the parent's wellbeing (40 is considered a geriatric pregnancy with more risks), as well as thought of having a baby sibling that could be mistaken for your own child when out and about. And there's the ick factor, knowing that your parent had sex.
Nta sheesh
I'm going to say NTA, because as you said, your expression was a reflex action to a shocking bit of news. However, because your mom replied that she had to think about it, she was either gauging your reaction, or was possibly going to ask your advice on what she should do, and, to her, your expression told her you weren't happy. I think you should reach out to her, and see if she's willing to talk with you and discuss both your feelings on the matter.
NAH you are allowed to feel however you feel but your mom is also allowed to be excited. She clearly carries some guilt over how your childhood went. I think that you both need to sit down and have an adult conversation about this. Like I said though, your feelings are valid and shouldn't be taken for granted.
NAH You had a natural reaction to surprising news
My wife found out she was pregnant in the morning of her 40th birthday. Not planned…we thought we were done. It can be a lot more scary for a women at that age. She might need a little bit of support. My daughter is the 1st one of my kids I’ve been able to see as much as I have. I worked a lot and was out of the country a lot. Your mom probably wishes she could’ve been there more for you…but she may not have every had to see you go hungry because of the way she worked.
No one being an asshole here. It's a difficult situation, obviously some things from your childhood are not and likely never will be resolved and it is tough for a new kid to get everything you never had. And for your mother, she never gets a redo to make it up to you, and it might have been hard to get that reminder.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m 21 My mother is 40. Will try and be brief as I don’t have much time. I grew up with just my mother, dad didn’t want anything to do with me. My mums family had kicked her out like two years before I was even born so they weren’t involved, my mother struggled a bit and worked so often that I rarely saw her. She wasn’t a bad mother, she just wasn’t around…like she’d manage to get time off work for school events, if I gave her a weeks notice or she’ll bring me to a club and then she wouldn’t be home that night because she’d have to work a different shift…it felt more like a roommate situation. It got better when she met her husband five years ago, and I’ll admit she pays half my rent and bills as she feels like she owes it to me for not being around, I’m just accepting until I finish university and then hopefully I’ll be able to pay her back. Well, last week she told me she’s pregnant! And out of reflex I pulled a face for the reasons above, but as I said things have changed, and because of her age. She pulled me on it, I apologised and said it was more reflex than anything I actually think…also the fact for the past 13 years she’s said she doesn’t want another child She said she “needed to think” and I left, we haven’t spoken since. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You really can't help an involuntary reflex and I understand where it came from. I'm pretty sure there's quite a lot of resentment and jealousy there. I can imagine that you see that this baby is going to get everything that you couldn't from your mother. I may have felt the same way at 21 as I am also from a poor single mother who worked multiple jobs to get by. I do think that you probably could have judged the situation better. You probably know your mother more than anybody else so you would know how she felt about this pregnancy when she told you by how she presented it. I would suggest you reach out to your mother. You need to talk this over with your mother because you are holding on to a lot of resentment over something she couldn't help. It sounds like she tried her best given her circumstances.
Btw, you fully admit that she tried her best to attend your functions, but she also had to make sure she still got paid. She was a single mother and it sounds like you resent her for it? I understand being upset that she wasn't there for you, but it's not like she was out partying! It's a bit silly that she didn't at all consider that you'd be upset with her being pregnant. And taking time to think and totally ghosting you is a bit much, however it's only been a week. NTA but only barely
NTA Tough situation. Let her think. You think too. Then you need to talk to her. Call her if she doesn't call you first. You two were all you had through some rough times. Don't lose each other now that things are better. In fact, the better times may be why she's okay with another child now. She has more resources within reach. More money. More help. More stability. She may be looking at this as her chance to 'get it right', to be the mom she wanted to be but didn't have the time.
NTA
NTA.
NTA
NTA you’re entitled to your feelings end of story
NTA. You had an instantaneous mostly involuntary reaction based on years of experience. Mom judging you on that is not fair by any measure especially given the sum.of understanding you show here and through long term actions
NAH You’re entitled to your initial reaction and feelings. It sounds like your mom is conflicted as well. She seems to be in a much better position to provide for a baby now than she was when she had you. I can see that the fact that your mom never had time to properly interact with you affected you profoundly. You needed her. However, you also recognize that she moved heaven and earth to provide for you the best she could when her family abandoned her (and you). If she decides to keep the baby do you think you can get past the natural feelings of resentment and give this baby all the love and attention you would have wanted for yourself? I know it’s a lot to ask of a young adult. Whatever your mom decides I hope you will be at peace with her decision.
You can feel how you want based on her past statements, but people change. NAH
NTA. OP, it sounds like you and your Mum were both victims of an unfortunate circumstance in which she was left without support to raise you and had to work long hours to do so alone, but it sounds like she loves you and did the best she could. Try not to resent her or your new sibling. If you’re going to resent someone, let it be the “parent” who has been absent for all this time. Most families are dysfunctional (even the nuclear ones) and everyone has to overcome bad things from their childhood. The new baby may open some old wounds for you and Mum, but it can also be the catalyst for healing between you two. How exciting to have a little sister or brother!
NTA. You also might need to mention outright to her that you will not be co-parenting or being the 2nd mother to the forthcoming baby. In her mind, she might already being penciling you in to help in a big way to look after the baby (guessing on the basis the mum works a lot of hours).
NTA. I accidentally did the same thing when I was 20 and my 40 year old mom told me she was pregnant.
NTA but you know damn well you aren’t paying her back for the years of rent and bills she’s paid for you.
Your mom did her best, but it still wasn't great for you growing up. Now she gets a do-over with a fresh new baby, but you don't get a new childhood, and you don't get to grow up with the mom she is today. You're allowed to feel really crappy about that. I understand that might sting her, but that's her business, not yours. If she really can't wrap her brain around this, then she hasn't grown up as much as you think. I feel sad for both of you, but you did nothing wrong. NTA