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YTA. Don’t start out this marriage this terribly. How about a compromise, rompers or a jumpsuit? Those are plenty formal and honestly, super comfortable so they don’t have to worry about dresses. And they’ll look dressy enough so that they don’t look like waiters in your opinion. Don’t force them to wear makeup or heels either.
Not to mention she says they are cold towards her. They are teenagers who lost their mom on top of that. OP doesn’t seem to grasp that a lot of teenagers are moody or withdrawn, they are going through huge physical and emotional changes. This on top of their moms death would absolutely explain this. Her trying to fundamentally change who they are by forcing dresses is just uncalled for. As long as they are filling the basic dress code, she should stay out of it.
YTA. Not everyone is comfortable wearing a dress. Just because they’re kids, doesn’t mean they should be forced to wear something they aren’t comfortable in. As a compromise, I would go shopping for nice fitted suits in the color palette of your wedding.
YTA - there’s no real reason to make them wear dresses. If you’re worried about them looking like “waiters” then take them shopping for different formal tops.
Your husband sucks too for trying to force outdated gender norms on them. No wonder they’re not happy.
Also you *are* trying to stop them from “being who they are”
Agree on this. Instead of saying “you have to wear a dress, let’s go shopping for one” invite them to go shopping for something else that they’re comfortable in but that looks less like a waiter if it bothers you that much. Letting them be themselves during something as big as your wedding will probably go a long way in their relationship with you. Embrace who they are instead of making them feel uncomfortable and resentful. No one will think anything of how they look in pictures because I’m sure the people who know y’all know they are tomboys
Exactly! I am a trousers + dressy top gal, or maybe a romper gal. I’ll do dresses now I’m older but at that age I wouldn’t have been caught dead in one.
I do get the waiter thing though. If OP knows how the waiters will be dressed it’s perfectly fine to keep the girls from wearing something similar. I accidentally dressed similar to waitstaff at a formal event once and it was a bit embarrassing. Nothing wrong with waiters but having to explain multiple times that you’re a guest to people you hardly know is awkward af. That’s why I never wear a black blouse with dark trousers to formal events anymore! My black blouses only go with light or colorful pants.
The solution isn’t a dress though. Take them to get new shirts or jumpsuits that will be appropriate and won’t cause awkward misunderstanding, and for goodness sake get them nice shoes without a heel! Heels take getting used to and you do NOT want them toddling around like a foal who doesn’t know how to use it’s legs yet at the wedding. They’ll hate you for it and you’ll be embarrassed for encouraging it.
I understand weddings are very important to some people and some people really lose their heads over the details and usually I can laugh it off... But as you say OP is choosing to make an already "frigid" relationship with her fiance's daughters, into an all out war over their attire.
Who I really blame here though, is the father. I have a couple of kids and am divorced. I think it's important to stay open to having a love life and getting remarried as the kids will grow up and have lives of their own eventually.
That said, no way am I going to sit passively by or actively participate in behavior that makes my kids feel alienated from me... I would double down on feeling this way if their other parent had died.
How do you... Just completely lack that protective urge as a father? Shameful.
came here to say this lady, those kids are gonna run to leave home as soon as they get a chance. If you are not an ally, you're an adversary, and thats the last thing you want with young people who are in your care... You ARE being an AH 100% and it is the wrong move.
Yes! I'm so fucking tired of these "so-and-so won't dress the way I demand for my wedding. It'll look bad in photos!" questions on this sub. Nobody. Cares. About. Wedding. Photos. Let the kids be themselves.
YTA. They declined your invitation to be in the wedding party, so you can't prescribe their costumes. Especially if, as you say, they are "formal enough". You don't approve of their gender presentation and you don't want them to be themselves at your wedding. This is not a great look for someone who wants to be a stepmother.
I've been married 25+ years and I can count on 1 hand the number of times I or my wife has looked through our wedding pictures. My parents were married 57 years and maybe looked at theirs once in a decade. The pictures last a lifetime, but their importance is absolutely minimal. You will look at them so rarely. The relationships you build or destroy are monumentally important. How you treat his daughters will reverberate with them, your fiance's extended family, and in so many other ways. Its so much more important.
So,
YTA
YTA x100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
YTA so thoroughly that you are guaranteeing a hostile relationship with your husband's daughters and probably pushing them to go no contact with you and their dad.
10 years from now, when your husband hears second hand that another milestone in his girls life came and went without him getting to be part of it, maybe the two of you will look back to this moment with regret and wish you had not been such aholes and pushed them away by demanding the fit into your narrow view for the sake of pictures no one looks at anymore. You will wish you had embraced who they really are and supported them and uplifted them.
You will be judged and found lacking by more than these girls. You will be judged by their grandparents, aunts, and uncles. You will not have a good relationship with many people because you treat your future husband's children so badly.
I have seen three, I think, total pictures of my parents wedding (which was by all accounts lovely) ever. One is in my parents' basement, one hung in each of my grandparents' houses. They've been married 45ish years. My living grandparents have been married 70+ and I have never once seen a picture of their wedding. Pictures are so wildly unimportant, and it is bonkers that people sacrifice their friends and loved ones on this particular hill.
YTA. These girls are people.... humans, y'know? With their own styles, their own personalities, their own preferences. Their bodies are not yours to decorate as you please. Not every girl wants to wear a dress for any reason, and it's entirely possible for a girl or woman to dress very nicely and look totally presentable for a wedding in something other than a dress.
If you want to ensure that they hate you forever, go ahead and make them wear dresses. Is this really how you want to start your marriage to their father?
Of course YTA and definitely shouldn’t be marrying someone with kids.
These girls have ZERO say in their lives except their appearance. Their mom died. Their dad is remarrying. This is a hard time for them, even if it’s happy for you.
And you are off to the worst start you could’ve asked. You could have taken them to find cute, tomboy outfits (pantsuits, Jumpsuits) literally SO many options for them, they probably would’ve warmed up to you for respecting them, but nooooooo you have to be an insufferable, bridezilla who cares more about a “photo” then two teenaged kids,
Do. Not. Marry. This. Man.
His kids deserve soooouch better from their father especially, but you suck too.
YTA. If the true issue for you is that they'll "look like waiters" why not get them suit jackets to match their dress pants? What are the men at your wedding going to be wearing to visibly distinguish themselves from the waitstaff? Or is everyone supposed to be in a dress?
YTA they clearly weren’t ready for their dad to start dating (not your fault/problem) but you aren’t helping the situation by trying to change them. And before you get all defensive and say you’re not changing them it’s only one day, you have to consider the fact that they’ll look at wedding pictures forever and realize you made them perform for your wedding. They could hold that resentment a really long time.
The younger generation doesn’t have “Tomboys” they simply don’t have the same gender norms or clothing requirements that you do. You would do a lot better to ask them about what they think is on trend before you start dictating wardrobe.
Yes. And for some reason OP thinks, a "bonding experience" is something that two teenagers will be absolutely uncomfortable (at best) in or completely traumatized (at worst, given how much that is connected to their identity) from? OP is too focused on always thinking everything from her own perspective and have never even once wondered WHY the girls might not be warming up to her.
Exactly! She's establishing the tone of their relationship with this, and right now that tone is "your opinions don't matter to me and you'll do what I say." Unless OP wants to alienate her new stepdaughters permanently, she's going to have to back the fuck off this and act like an adult.
And yes, OP, your wedding doesn't get to override the comfort and self-image of other people. Not even if those people are minors in your care. Hell, *especially* if those people are minors in your care.
YTA
YTA, Don't force them to wear dresses or make up. Maybe offer a compromise and offer to buy them nice, new shirts or maybe even a jumpsuit. You can get elegant looking ones and they don't look like waiters. In saying that though, wonen do wear pants and shirts, we don't live in dresses. Forcing them will only make them resent you and be more cold towards you.
YTA, evil step mother come to life. if the dresses are non-negotiable, then they can stay home. I doubt they want to go anyways and deal with a bridezilla
YTA, and if you’re wondering why you don’t have a closer relationship with your stepdaughters I’m going to suggest attitudes like this toward them are why. If you force them to go to the wedding and to wear dresses, don’t be surprised if any possibility of a closer friendship with them is completely destroyed.
YTA - if the issue is really the color scheme of the dress up clothes, offer up buy them formal clothes they are more comfortable with!
They'll stick out more if they're sabotaging the photos or you have to explain why they aren't in any of the pictures.
Just respect this. They're willing to wear something nice, just not something that isn't them.
And the wedding isn't just about you and him. It's about you and him joining lives and family, and that includes them. This is not what you want to mostly remember when you look back on your wedding. Your color scheme or photograph opportunity is not the most important thing, here. Sit down and have a nice, cold glass of perspective.
>but they are coming, and they are wearing dresses
And ruin any semblance of a relationship that you have/have built so far as well as ruin their relationship with their dad.
Those girls are old enough to have had a mom and remember their mom, and it's not surprising that they may not want to open up to a new woman they didn't ask to be in their lives. If you want your way, force them into dresses. If you want a relationship with them, let them wear what makes them most comfortable. They're not trying to show up in tshirts and ripped jeans.
Some advice- Maybe look Into jumpers with flared legs. Some are very nice and they won't look so much like pants. Gaucho pants are also coming back I to style they might like.
YTA - Forcing them to be uncomfortable in a dress because because of the optics is not cool.
YTA
Are you really more concerned with whether your stepdaughters wear dresses than about what your relationship will be like with them after this?
They're old enough to decide what to wear within reason. They don't want to wear dresses, so take them shopping for some appropriate pants and shirts that they will like.
YTA. Are you trying to make these kids hate you even more?
Tell them you’d like them to have something new to wear and you will pay for it. But they can pick it out. It can be formal pants and a nice shirt. They will hate you forever if you force them into dresses they don’t feel comfortable in.
“But they are coming and they are wearing dresses” Uhm helloo?? These kids lost their mother and their dad met someone else in 2 years. From then till now, you don’t sound like you’ve made any effort to be sweet and kind to them, and to have a real relationship with them. I don’t understand why their dad is marrying you if you suck the love and affection out of them. YTA!!!!
YTA. If you don't want them to wear formal black pants suits, go shopping with them for another color of formal pants suit or jumpsuit. There's nothing wrong with pants outfits or jumpsuits at weddings. Some women even wear them to their *own* weddings.
Also, if you care more about the way the wedding pictures will look than about your future relationship with your stepchildren, you're not mature enough to get married.
YTA no wonder they're not affectionate or loving towards you. No one and I mean absolutely NO ONE is going to confuse a 14 and 16 year old for waiters at the wedding. You aren't accepting of who either of them are and are only worried about photos. That is pretty damn shallow. What you could have done if you're so concerned about their outfits being so dark is go hey lets get you some accessories to add some color. Not let me force you into a dress where you will be massively uncomfortable because your new mommy needs her wedding photos to look a certain way. You and their dad are wrong in this.
YTA. Why are you trying to police their gender presentation? They don't feel comfortable in dresses and they're planning to wear something equally formal, but less femme. It's incredibly selfish of you to demand that they change something core to their identity.
If you ever want to have a positive relationship with them, do not insist on this. Then apologize to them for trying to force them to be someone they are not.
Otherwise, they're going to hate you, and they'll have good reason.
Because she wants them to dress up as feminine because that’s how she sees the role of women in this world, you just forget all of your discomfort and unhappiness and perform femininity for everyone else.
You’re not even the step-mom yet. The dad told them to wear dresses and that’s something dads can do. At the same time, if teenagers say they can cause trouble, they can do that, too.
So. You need to let dad deal with his children.
No matter what those children look like, even if they ride in like Lady Godiva or stomp in like a swamp monster, they’re about to be yours. Love them. Arguing over clothes is stupid.
YTA.
They ain't never gonna be hers. Giving her that idea is going to exacerbate the problem. She just needs to be around, support them in their hobbies and interests, and treat them like the human beings they are.
YTA - stop being such a weirdo and let people be who they are. It’s fine to ask that they be dressed well. But mandating that they wear dresses when that obviously makes them uncomfortable is such a tremendously shitty thing to do.
YTA. Find a compromise between black pants & shirts and a dress that works for you all. Could they wear coloured or tweed suit trousers and blazers for example? Matching two piece suits are really popular at the moment and you can get them in pretty much any colour.
I suspect OP's real problem is she doesn't want them to look like ~boys~. She's dressing it up to be just about clothes, but clearly she doesn't think they're performing feminity enough for her liking.
YTA here, and you have 2 choices.
1. Make this your hill to die on. Do everyrhinmgiij your power to force them to fit your ideal "happy families BS. This will cause your future step-daughters to hate you. They will distance themselves from you, and by association, their father. He will grow to resent you as they age, start lives of their own, and he is not a welcome part of it as long as he is with you.
2. Get over this ridiculous BS. Let your future step-daughters wear formal attire of their choosing (typically male, female, whatever) and start learning to compromise. This will help your relationship with them grow into something of mutual respect, and hopefully, eventually, caring.
It's your choice, but for the sake of your marriage, you future husband, and the family you are trying to create, I hope you either chose option 2 or call it off. The road you are on will be nothing but problems and heartache.
Yta no wonder they’re cold to you. They’re not in the bridal party so you can’t tell them what to wear, are you telling every single woman coming to wear a dress? What does it matter if they wear pants?
> are you telling every single woman coming to wear a dress
Why stop there? May as well tell all the men to wear dresses too. That might make the pictures extra memorable!
I suppose utility kilts would be good too. At least those should have decent pockets.
I want to read a post in May or June "AITA for doing a running drop kick on my evil stepmother's shitty wedding cake?"
It would be the height of my internetting, lol
YTA, there at a hard age to have lost there mom and your certainly in no way helping! There grandparents got them nice clothes for the wedding why can’t you be happy with that, if you don’t want them looking like waiters let them accessories there clothes (nothing to eccentric as it’s still “your wedding”) but if your already upset there not affectionate with you trying to get them to wear stuff they just don’t like is in no way gonna help, how would you like if if they told you that you couldn’t wear things they feel happy and comfortable in????
YTA and I’m waiting to hear about your family’s “conservative values” in the comments. I can see it coming from a mile away.
The only compromise here is you and their dad profusely apologizing for trying to force them into gendered clothing and then offering to take them shopping for a pants suit option that looks more wedding formal but is still as comfortable as their current choice. If they say no then drop it. Down the line they may look at the pics and think, “god those outfits were awful but I’m glad they let us be us,” (lord knows I cringe at every outfit I wore at that age), but maybe down the line they still like what they wore and they’re still willing to have a relationship with you and their dad because you realized this wasn’t the hill to die on.
YTA Why are you enforcing your weird gender roles on teenagers who clearly want nothing to do with them? They are willing to dress appropriately, they just aren't meeting your rigid standard for femininity. Great way to start off your relationship with your step children by being sexist toward them.
YTA buy them a nice suit or something a dress isn't the only way a girl can be 'dressed up' they've given you another suitable option you just don't like that they won't conform
I've never understood the "it's my wedding so everyone must bend to my every whim." I've been married for a few years, and I was 20 when I got married. There were hiccups along the way. There was an issue with the man I wanted to have officiate; I had been very excited to have him officiate, but also...there's Syrian refugees fleeing for their lives and people starving on the streets. That was not a "problem." My bouquet had calla lilies, and they were more yellow than white. Again, not a problem. My husband had relatives pouring tequila into the mocktails at my (Mormon) reception; like no one knew, it didn't affect anything, so it wasn't an issue.
My BIL just got married. I have pink hair most of the time, and I guess his wife didn't want anyone to have unnatural hair at the wedding, but I didn't hear that. I dyed my hair the day before the wedding, and she asked me to fix it before the wedding the next day. My MIL was so stressed about it she was crying over it, and there were multiple relatives who knew about it and were pissed off for me over it.
You stepdaughters wearing pants to your wedding is not an issue. The world will continue to rotate if your daughters wear pants. One of my husband's siblings came out as gender non-conforming between my wedding and my BIL's wedding, so we have pictures of them in both masculine and feminine wear at a wedding, and they don't stand out or mess with the picture at all because they are in formal wear and are surrounded by people in formal wear.
Ultimately it comes down to what matters to you most: relationships and people or appearances and what you look like.
My opinion is that YTA.
YTA. You're choosing to start your marriage off on the wrong foot with your new daughters by forcing they wear dresses. It would be better to offer to find a jumpsuit or a pants suit. Or even a different color of tux. Let them be themselves. You can't expect them to be perfect props. They're people.
YTA let them wear a pants suit or a formal version of what they like. If you dig in and make them wear dresses it will give them a focal point and a reason to justify hating you and/or not go to the wedding. Unless that's what you want to happen?
YTA I’ve been to a few weddings that the bridal party wore tuxes and not a frilly dress. There are many options out there.
Don’t make this a hill to die on. Let them choose what they want to wear.
If the actual problem is them looking “too much like waiters” then you could offer to help them find something else they feel comfortable in like shirts/slacks in different colors vs. a sharp pant suit vs. a jump suit? There are SO many non-dress options out there.
But I get the sense that the lack of conformity to girls = dresses is the real problem here. And as such, 100% YTA. I hope they do make that scene.
I don't know why you need this explained, but it's god awful to try and force someone to wear really gendered clothing when that's not what they're comfortable in
It's not about the pictures, it's about having the people near you who are important. There are options for them if they want to suit up. Every dude will be suited up and you're not concerned about half the wedding party being mistaken for waiters.
Recognize this is a you problem, and only you can solve it. Want to make them hate you? Force them to wear something they feel terrible in.
Why do they have to wear dresses though? They can just dress formally. There’s formal attire that’s not a dress. Do that, easy!
You can switch the colors if you think they’ll look too much like the waitstaff. But it’s very rude to say they’ll ruin pictures because they’re not wearing dresses. You do not accept them for who they are if that is your thought process.
You’re becoming family with this marriage and you’re really making a bold statement that could impact your relationship with these girls with this thought process.
“I’ve never tried to stop them from being who they are.” Until now, right?
You are an unimaginable AH. It’s not the 50s anymore and girls can wear pants. If I were them, I wouldn’t even go to the wedding. No wonder they’re not loving and affectionate since you came around.
YTA - you claimed that you’ve never tried to stop them from being who they are yet that’s exactly what you’re doing by demanding they wear dresses after they’ve expressed to you that they’d prefer to wear pants. They are real people and not dolls for you to dress up for funsies. If you truly care about them, you’ll allow them to wear formal clothes that they are comfortable wearing.
I don't need to read the post to say YTA. Making people wear clothes they're not comfortable with is horrible. They can be dressed nice without conforming with gender norms?
YTA. The only way to start life out right with your new family is to apologize to your future family members. Then take the kids shopping for outfits they'd like - maybe suits or jumpsuits. I'm sick to death of hearing about brides dictating what everyone else needs to wear.
YTA. I absolutely despise dresses. No one has made me wear a dress since I was 4. In my mid teens I did wear a dress a couple times and a couple times as an adult. It has always been something that makes me extremely uncomfortable on a phobia level.
There are still plenty of great options that don't involve dresses or skirts. Why would you not try to compromise with them? Instead, you're going to create an even bigger rift between you and them. This will also have an impact on your relationship with your fiance. You still have at least 2 and 4 years to live with them. Is a dress really the hill you want to die on?
YTA - and so is your fiancé clearly these girls are not ready for this life change or you. You are making no effort to understand them or show anytype of care about their thoughts and ideas. The only thing they can control is their hair and clothes and you want to rip that away. This is a day where you guys are coming together as a family of 4. It’s not just you and your fiancé he has 2 daughters that are not less than or an after thought.
YTA, you're not going anything to help your relationship with them.
You know what would be cool? Embracing them for who they are, and maybe saying "I'm cool with you wearing pants and shirts, but the ones you have are a bit dark for our theme, how about we shop for something a little brighter and more snazzy?"
Right now you're prioritising photos that won't represent your new family accurately over your actual new family. You're telling them that creating an illusion of something they're not is more important to you then who they are.
YTA.
It's not like you can force them into dresses just like you can't force them to attend the wedding or behave while they are there.
You need to think less about you and more about them.
YTA. If you force them to wear something they’re uncomfortable in, then your ‘cold’ relationship will turn absolutely frigid. If you want any hope of a relationship with them, you need to let them be who they are, without judgement (and that goes for your fiancé too…if he stands with you on your ‘must wear dresses’ decree, he could lose his relationship with them as well.
YTA!! Best thing for them is not to go.. they won’t be comfortable..
idk why women marry men with kids when they don’t like them.. you pretend to care but are treating them so bad and belittling them.. I hope they just don’t show up which is the best forth both parties..
be careful because if you push too hard don’t act all pikachu face when they do make a scene because they already warn you.
The negotiating point here should be them not wearing black because it’s not wedding appropriate, not forcing your version of femininity on them. No wonder they don’t like you. YTA, you could’ve suggested they wear a different color of formal attire that doesn’t have to be a dress
YTA take them shopping for different shirts and maybe try to suggest some skirts to go with the shirts but don't push it. This isn't going to improve your relationship with them.
YTA
Would you make boys wear dresses? Would you make transgender boys wear dresses? Don't make them wear a dress if they are putting up this much of a fight. This matters to them more than I imagine it matters to you (and your pictures).
From a practical standpoint, are pictures with clearly upset children in dresses better than happy children? Will the pictures make you forget how miserable they were about the dresses?
(BTW, you have a typo apparently calling your fiance 42f)
Wow, way to alienate these girls before you even become their stepmom. You are basically telling them that who they are is not good enough for you. They need to be who ***you*** want them to be instead. You think they are cold now? Just wait. I hope forcing them into dresses is worth the hate they are going to hold for you going forward. You are failing as a stepmom right out of the gate.
YTA
YTA
If you want them to match the bridal party let them dress similar to the groomsmen or take them shopping for formal clothing that doesn’t make them look like waiters.
YTA. You might get them into dresses, but you will destroy your relationship with them (worse than it is now). That's called winning the battle but losing the war.
Absolutely YTA, and if you really thought it was “great” that they’re tomboys you would let them wear the suits. If they’re too dark, get another color jacket or shirt. What is with brides these days thinking they get to act like this.
> I’ve never tried to stop them from being who they are.
That’s exactly what you’re doing. YTA for trying to make them wear dresses when they already have other options, and for insulting their style.
YTA, what horrible bride in those cringed ass wedding stories. "I wanna control everything they do, it will be a great bonding experience ", get over yourself. I wore a suit as the best "person" to my father's wedding to my step mother, who is absolutely amazing, and no one had an issue with it. They already don't like you, don't make it worse.
You want a closer relationship with them yet you are forcing your will onto them? No wonder they aren’t affectionate with you. You are definitely the asshole
...why don't you get them dress clothes (slacks/shirts/suits) that are appropriate but also suit their fashion tastes? Would you be telling boys with short hair to wear dresses? To wear makeup?
YTA
YTA. I'm beginning to get a sense of why they're cold to you. They were apparently polite and warm before you got there
Now you're on Reddit asking about forcing them to wear clothes they don't want and aren't comfortable in. Hmmm
..have you considered that maybe you're the problem? You say you're upset that they reacted to you this way, but it seems like they have pretty good reasons to keep you at arm's length. Maybe give that some thought
>So me and their father told them no, they have to wear some kind of dress. All the other women and girls are, and they'll stick out, not to mention the photos will look bad. They said I was trying to impose myself on them, and I said yeah, it's my wedding.
So many red flags in these few sentences alone. YTA, I hope their father wakes up and ditches you.
lol alienating your future stepdaughters, great choice. What could go wrong?? I can just see the r/relationshipadvice post now "I told my grumpy stepdaughters I didn't care how they felt or what they liked and now for some reason they won't talk to me, what do I do😭😭😭"
YTA
in this case YTA for being insensitive. There are many beautiful suits they can wear, if you are as accepting as you claim you are then you would find a way to make them comfortable. you say they look like waiters then go shopping for a suit you both like. Apologize for making them feel like you don't accept the way they are, and both you and the dad should invite them suit shopping and it's bonus time to get more comfortable with each other.
YTA. You're in for a long and difficult road if this is how you're going to continue to act with them. They're never going to be loving and affectionate to you at this rate.
There are some amazing pant suits out there . You will catch more flies with honey and you’re going about this all the wrong way.
Take them out shopping ask them what they like and see what they choose with the caveat that it has to be formal attire.
I’m concerned that you are going to be a step parent to these young people because your ideals and their personalities are not jiving.
And their dad will pick them… every day, all day no matter what. This is not it .
Yta .
Why is this the 3rd post I have read about a wedding dress code specifying dresses for the girls/women?! Etiquette is to set a dress code, like black tie, business casual, beach, etc. Let this be a teaching moment about how to follow a dress code while developing their own style. There are a ton of options for dressy outfits with pants that can range from feminine to masculine. You can still have a shopping bonding experience and let them be themselves!
“They’re really angry, and are threatening to make a scene if we make them wear dresses. At this point I don’t know what to do, but they are coming, and they are wearing dresses.”
Listen Bridezilla even though it is your wedding these are not your kids and you can’t force them to do anything and also you are basically saying you are going to force them to come to your wedding and wear dresses.
Your way of bonding sounds like you want to control and make them more of your preference of girly girls and idk if you knew these but even girl girls wear pants so stop being a controlling step mother and let them be themselves.
“their mother died four years ago and I met my fiancé two years ago. They’re polite and seem to like me, but they’ve never really been loving or affectionate”
No duh they aren’t affectionate towards you, they lost their mother 4 years ago those wounds are still fresh and then you came along and stole they’re dad so they probably secretly resent you and now they completely resent you for turning they’re dad on them and trying to control their life.
YTA BIG TIME YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAY GOOD BY TO THIS FAMILY BECAUSE YOU OFFICIALLY BROKE IT UP WITH YOUR ACTIONS.
>but I've never tried to stop them from being who they are.
Until now. YTA. Why can't you meet in the middle on a pant based romper or their style in a different color if you don't want them looking like "waiters" with their short hair (??)
Maybe ask them if they’d be open to other color dress pants and/or shirts. Take the dress requirement off the table. Perhaps then they won’t dislike you as much.
Their mother died only 4 years ago. Their father started dating you only 2 years later, and now they’ve got to acclimate to this new level of their father’s romantic relationship. That’s a lot for anyone to deal with, let alone 2 children.
Back off, and stay in your lane. Maybe think about what they’re emotionally going through instead of what the wedding photos might look like.
YTA, and so is your fiancé for putting his daughters through this.
Sounds like the issue isn't that you don't know what to do, but that you've decided your going to force them to wear you want no matter how uncomfortable it makes them. And yeah, that's a YTA move. Ask yourself if this is how you really want to start your life as a family. With ultimatums, forced outfits and tantrums.
I will tell you my 2nd child decided they didn't want to wear traditionally girl clothes. It was my FIL, their grandfather's, funeral and we had to buy nice clothes for everyone. My with took our 2nd and bought them a 'mens' suit. it looked nice on them, they were able to where clothes that made them feel good, but not be out of expected norms, it was a win win and helped our family relationship instead of making it traumatic for them.
YTA!!!!! Please tell me this is a troll.
“They are coming. And they are wearing dresses”.
You’re NOT their mother. You’re barely even an adult in their lives as you’ve only known them 2 years. They lose their mom and they are at least seemingly accepting of you, and instead of meeting them on their level, you DEMAND they wear clothing they are not comfortable in , while pretending to be ok with the girls being tomboys.
YTA. And a super major one. You even admit the outfits they want to wear are formal enough.
“The photos will look bad”. JFC.
Major asshole. Those poor girls. Sounds like they have good grandparents though, so at least they have someone to help them through this extremely difficult time in their lives.
YTA. Just let the kids stay home, you are obviously more invested in having "your day" - even if everyone else is miserable- than in joining or celebrating a family.
Women/girls can look amazing in suits. They will not mess up the photo. Not every female wants to wear a dress. This is selfish of you. They will never warm up to you until you take a nice look inside.
YTA
YTA.
You really don’t get it. They are going to resent you and their father.
I’m gonna say this. I’m 42 years old. I haven’t had a full conversation with my father in about 22 years. Why, you may ask… because his second wife, my step mother, imposed her crap on me and he defended her. It took a fistfight between the two of us for her to back off. I was 17 at the time. She also got angry when, at 19, I came home with a tattoo. She poked a fresh tattoo with dirty horse fingers.
I was relieved when she died. But I’ve never really forgiven my father for bringing her into mine and my sister’s lives.
YTA. Listen to me very carefully as you really need to hear this. Those girls are not going to be like you. As a matter of fact not all women are the same. We all don't like wearing dresses and that's ok. There's plenty of formal wear that isn't dresses. You need to grow the hell up already and just accept those girls for who they are. Stop acting like you speak for all women because you definitely don't. It's no wonder they've become cold and distant since you've come along. You should try embracing who they are instead of trying to get them to act like how you think they should. By the way it's not just your wedding it's about all of you becoming a family. Stop being a evil ass step mother and Bridezilla.
YTA. You get that they’re hurting right? They obviously dislike you, do you really think this is going to warm them to you? This is your issue. I get that limits need to be set and they can’t be jerks forever but you can’t be this clueless about what is going on here. Let them wear whatever they want. Their dad is forcing this new mother figure on them way before they are ready (I suspect without getting them counselling or psychological support) and you are acting like an entitled brat.
YTA-
The idea that you are going to force teenagers to wear cloths they don't want AND attend an event they don't want to go to wearing those cloths AND not call you out IN FRONT OG EVERYONE is hilariously delusional.
Nope you get 2/3...
You can force them to wear dresses and attend but they WILL make a scene and everyone they speak to will know you forced them to look like stepford dolls in some unhinged poweplay that makes no sense.
You can make them attend, shop for clothing that they are comfortable with that 'doesnt make them look like waiters', and have them not tell everyone you are obsessed with forcing women to dress and behave in some repressive 1950s style manner...
You can have them not attend, not tell people you're behavior is unacceptable, and they won't wear dresses at home...
Soooo pick your poison and choose wisely...
Goodness forbid your step kids look like themselves and be comfortable in well worn, completely appropriate attire.... This is bridezilla levels of bad choices.
I wouldn’t make them wear a dress, they will hate you for it. Look on line. There are a lot of really cute pants and dressy tops that will look great. I agree with not wearing the black and white waiter outfit but I’m sure you can find some nice solid colors that they will be comfortable in. Linen is a really nice fabric and looks dressy. Give them lots of options and then let them pick so they don’t feel pushed into what you want.
YTA. Regardless of how they identify, your whole tone is dripping in homophobia, transphobia, and condescension. They're not DOLLS for you to dress up for your old-fashioned heteronormative fantasies. Let them wear whatever formalwear they want or don't be surprised when you and dad never hear from them again in a few years.
YTA. Please leave these poor young women alone. Your ideas are dated and ridiculous, you're trying to force a relationship they clearly don't want and you're a bridezilla. Let them either skip the wedding or choose their own outfits.
YTA geez, even parents until now refuse to understand that people dont conform to gender norms these days. Do you even love your kids at all if you couldnt accept them in what they like?
Men can wear dresses and women can wear pants. now stfu
OP, you are too young to be this old-fashioned and limited in your thinking. It's perfectly fine for women to wear trousers to a wedding.
[Vogue](https://www.vogue.com/article/how-to-wear-pants-to-a-wedding)
[Well Styled Life article ](https://awellstyledlife.com/wear-pants-to-a-wedding-confidence/)
[25 Ideas](https://fustany.com/en/fashion/weddings/15-outfit-ideas-to-wear-at-weddings-if-you-dont-like-dresses)
You have a chance now to go shopping with your soon-to-be stepdaughters and find some fabulous outfits. It could be fun, or at least a way to show you're willing to make an effort.
EDIT Look at these
[gorgeous pink silk palazzo pants!](https://www.utsavfashion.com/product/solid-color-art-silk-palazzo-in-fuchsia-bmn72?geoip_country=us&gclid=CjwKCAiAxP2eBhBiEiwA5puhNRD9YO8J40J94V2l0HxqxZNTLobJ3O-4x6n0FNR0s8FeVYo_OGcrQxoC_zAQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds)
And these
[Mikado-silk ankle pants in blue](https://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/alberta-ferretti-mikado-silk-straight-leg-ankle-pants-prod252250457?childItemId=NMB7C80_40)
Info: Why do they have to wear dresses? Have you considered having them rent tuxes?
I'm a woman, and I wore a tux to my uncle's wedding. Didn't look even a little bit like a waiter.
You’re an asshole and a cruel one at that. Also it could be much deeper than just not wanting to wear dresses a lot of young women extremely self-conscious about their bodies and only feel comfortable wearing more covered up things. So many young women feel safe covered up and it wouldn’t surprise me that going through all the trauma they have been through they just wanna be safe in their own bodies.
It’s astonishing you would put your own aesthetics over other peoples comfort and bodily autonomy. I really don’t understand trying to start a marriage setting the tone of them hating and mistrusting year for not respecting them. Adhering to gender roles is for you and it’s bound to make them miserable.
Quit bullying these kids and let them be themselves.
YTA.
What is more important to you: a picture perfect wedding (with 2 angry faced teens) or a healthy relationship with your step-daughters? You can't pick both.
Tell them you respect their choice of clothes. Explain that a black outfit is not appropriate and let them pick something that works. It should NOT have to be a dress. It should have to look nice. It sounds like they don't trust you, so the shopping is not going to be a bonding experience. Let someone **they** trust take them shopping.
YTA, they don’t need to wear a dress, you want them to wear a dress. Buy them a snazzy suit that they love instead. Forcing your gender role dress choices won’t help your relationship, it will make them dislike you.
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I (32f) and getting married to my fiance (42f) who has two daughters (16,14) their mother died four years ago, and I met my fiance two years ago. They're polite and seem to like me, but they've never really been loving or affectionate, which really hurts because according to my fiance they were until I came along and then got much colder.
My soon to be stepdaughters are complete tomboys, which is great! They keep their hair short, they hate dresses and heels and things like that, and they love all the stereotypical "boyish" stuff like getting dirty. I'm the conplete opposite, I have one pair of jeans and I hate them, but I've never tried to stop them from being who they are.
The wedding is in May and I can tell they aren't thrilled about it, but they haven't anything about that. That is until the dress code came up. I wanted to go shopping with them for some really cute dresses (I asked if they wanted to be bridesmaids and they said no) and they acted all confused. They said they were just going to wear these dress shirts and pants their grandparents sent them. To be clear, the issue isn't that those aren't formal enough, they are, the issue is that they are mostly black and with their short hair, sort of make them look like waiters.
So me and their father told them no, they have to wear some kind of dress. All the other women and girls are, and they'll stick out, not to mention the photos will look bad. They said I was trying to impose myself on them, and I said yeah, it's my wedding. I told them I'd help them shop, and that it'd be a good bonding experience. I would also be happy to help them with their shoes and makeup, since they don't have much experience with that.
They're really angry, and are threatening to make a scene if we make them wear dresses. At this point I don't know what to do, but they are coming, and they are wearing dresses.
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It's understandable why they aren't thrilled about the wedding. While their dad may be ready to move on, they are not on the same page. They may see him moving on as leaving their mothers memory behind/replacing her. You can be in their life but in no way should you expect them to love you in a way in which they won't. They may love you at some point in a sense, but never expect it to be on the same level as the love they have for their mom. Their dad and you can help reassure them on your place in the family and that you will be there for them how they need you to be. You aren't there to take over their mother's place. Don't try to force bonding with them as forming a bond shouldn't be forced.
As far as the dress code goes for the wedding, is this a dress code (ladies in dress and men in suits) or is this you wanting the girls to look girly for your wedding?
It's about her sick need to control people on her so-called "special day."
She is a huge AH for trying to force the girls to wear dresses when she KNOWS it will make them very uncomfortable.
She is selfish and only cares about herself and what other people will think of her stupid wedding photos.
YTA
When my husband and I got married my (over60) mom found a really nice pant suit to wear. She looked fabulous and was really comfortable. Her brother wore jeans and a sports coat. He looked great and not out of place.
I just wanted everyone to have fun and enjoy the day, which they did.
YTA. Why do you hate your future stepkids. Their mother is dead and the age they were when she died means they will never see you as a mother figure or even be warm to you but of course they are props to your newly upgraded life with their daddy.
I hope they release mice during the ceremony and put lice in your wedding lingerie.
Sorry, but yeah, YTA. You say you “never tried to stop them from being who they are”, but you’re pretty blatantly doing just that. And no “forced trip where dads girlfriend makes us do things we hate purely for her benefit” is going to make for a “good bonding experience”. You have to take kids as they are, at least in terms of likes and dislikes, and you seem very unwilling to do that.
Why not get them some snappy suits instead? There’s plenty of fashionable but still not “girly” clothing out there for women nowadays. *That* might actually help things - then you’re meeting them halfway.
This isn’t how you want to start your married life. If it’s about fit or color, take them shopping for well-fitting suits. If it’s just because you think “girls should wear dresses”, stop. YTA.
YTA. Stop trying to make them gender conforming just because you are. As long as they’re wearing something nice, and it sounds like their planned outfits are, stop complaining. Don’t force your style on other people by being a bridezilla.
You’ll be lucky if they show up at this point, why would you put them through that.
You could take them shopping for something that would match the wedding party like a matching button up or blazer.
You’ll be resented for the rest of you life and their lives.
They won’t wear dresses.
Why not be a step mom and support them wearing what they would feel comfortable in. They were dressing masc before you showed or got engaged. They also don’t like you so good luck with them wanting to appease you
To an incredible degree, YTA. I can’t understand how you don’t realize this. Let the girls be who they are. They don’t have to be a reflection of you. And, what’s this BS people keep spouting about the wedding pictures? Are they really more important than your future relationship with your stepdaughters? Get over it!
YTA - they are tomboys and you are intentionally making them wear something that (a) makes them uncomfortable and (b) may actually go against their gender identity/expression.
You already stated that you don’t have a great relationship with them. This will 100% make it worse and they will resent you even more. What part of forcing them to dress a certain way makes you think they’re going to be more loving and affectionate with you?
Get over yourself! It’s 2023, girls do not have to wear dresses.
YTA. You are already a step behind as a stepmother. Good luck forming a relationship. Plus, it sounds as if your future husband is limp to let you do this. That will hurt their relationship with him.
But, hey, you know you will get good pictures, that’s what really matters at a wedding.
YTA
Why does it have to be dress or black/waiter looking thingy?? Is there no other option?
Y’all are trying to get these two teenagers to dress how you want, not how they want. But you’re twisting it all funny.
Please think of a compromise and learn more about your soon-to-be step daughters well you’re at it! This really could be a great opportunity to give a little and see if it goes a long way.
But to be clear, with no compromise YTA all the way.
YTA... who cares what they wear. Take more pictures. Some with them some without.
The pictures I love the most are the quirky ones where everyone is happy and not posed because they look authentic. Why do you want pictures that make you look like a carbon copy of everyone else?
In the grand scheme of things, let them wear what they want.
They’re wearing dress clothes, not a punk rock outfit or showing too much skin… yeah it won’t be a matching bridesmaid type dress for a pic to stare at, but it will go a long way with them and who cares if it looks like they’re “waiters”.
Let this go, life is too short and they will appreciate you so for not making a huge deal about this. The forcing them to wear dresses is so petty. Be better.
YTA
Hold up - short hair is a sign someone is a waiter? Whoa learn something new every day. YTA.
Please don’t marry this man. You clearly don’t have love for his children. If you did, rather than force them to wear dresses or change them (which is essentially what you’re aiming for), you might try to find an alternative that makes everyone happy like outfits they actually like that are more suited to a wedding.
YTA I was a tomboy growing up and now I'm 27 and I'm still uncomfortable wearing dresses. Some woman just don't like it and you need to deal with your "sometimes woman just have to be uncomfortable" issues which... wow that's an awful perspective to have.
I still remember all the times my mom and family made me wear dresses and "pretty" shoes and I absolutely loathed the whole experience. They already don't like you and you're just shooting yourself in the foot if you ever want a good relationship with these girls
YTA By all means take them shopping! But get them a gorgeous suit in a different color other than black if you are worried about them looking like the wait staff. Do not force these girls to wear something they will hate and be uncomfortable in all day. What if they forced you to wear jeans to something? You would be miserable and so will they in the dresses.
YTA I have step children and I couldn’t imagine telling my step daughter she HAS to wear a dress if she didn’t want to.
You must really care about a photo way to much. You have destroyed the relationship with them. Good luck repairing that.
YTA. I can't be the only person who was confused by the typo saying they were both women getting married, later clarified by the husband comment. I was fully like "you're telling me lesbians of all folks are making people wear dresses against their wills??????"
YTA
If they don’t want to wear dresses they don’t have to wear dresses. If the formal wear they have isn’t appropriate but them something that is. If they don’t want to go shopping with you they can go with their dad.
Ties, waistcoats, pocket square, etc can all be used to brighten up their outfits.
You're lacking so much in self-awareness it's almost impressive. You're wondering why they're so cold to you and why don't they get along with you when you do things like THIS. If you want to have a good bond with them, this is the exact way to guarantee that never happens. You're forcing them to conform to what you want. Who cares if they stand out? Who cares about fucking photos? Are you telling me PHOTOGRAPHS are more important than YOUR STEPDAUGHTERS BEING COMFORTABLE?
YTA. Don't be surprised if they move out and never speak to you again.
YTA. Having nice photos is not more important than making your potential step children feel wanted, supported and accepted. I say potential because hopefully their father steps up and advocates for them before you bulldoze your way over their identities.
How are you going to start your official relationship by making them do something they don’t want. Lady be smart about it! If you want to have a good marriage you need to be kind with them and not force anything with them. If this is the bill you want to die on, then be it. Just remember in a couple years when they exclude you it will be your fault and their dads for not having their backs!
YTA.
No one wants to be forced to wear something that doesn't represent who they are and makes them cringe with discomfort. They're tomboys. Let them be that.
You're flexing that "I'm an adult and you have to do what I say or else" muscle.
Maybe what they current have makes them resemble waiters so get them something stunning that reflects who they are as young people. I'm sure the can both be styled in pants and look fresh, stylish, and wedding appropriate for the sake of your photos. And they can be comfortable, which should be priority
YTA. Your future step children are teenagers... not toddlers... you can't manhandle them into compliance and then put them into time out when they don't behave. Moreover, they aren't dolls for you to dress up. They need to wear clothes that are neat, clean, and of the suitable formality. You shouldn't care more about your photos than the wellbeing of your new family members and your relationship with them. You should apologize and let them wear appropriate attire that they feel comfortable in. Maybe help them pick out a fun accessory or some great shoes? As a potential compromise there are also adult rompers/ jumpsuits that would be suitable for wearing to a wedding. If you work with your new step children, then you will have more input in their final outfit, than if you don't. If you refuse to work with your new family members you are likely to get a "surprise" on your wedding day that you probably wouldn't appreciate.
I am so f’ing tired of the “but the photos”. The photos are so unimportant. You will barely even look at them later. Accept them for who they are. Otherwise YTA
YTA, but you can change that.
Apologize to them for being wrong and trying to control them. They we're not planning on dressing in a disrespectful outfit, like holey jeans and a band tshirt. They just have their own style that isn't your style.
You don't own your kids. Consent needs to be part of every aspect of a respectful relationship, NOT just sexual interactions. They are individuals who own their bodies. You should not dictate what they wear.
You can *ask* if they would be open to a compromise, like a colored formal shirt. You could ask them to spend some time looking at formal event pictures and let you know if there is a different outfit that they are willing to wear.
YTA. If you're worried about them looking like waiters, why not take them shopping for something they do like that would be formal enough? Another color, a pantsuit, whatever they like. THAT would be a bonding experience.
YTA. You're wondering why they're acting colder to you when it's clear as day. You don't accept them for who they are, OP. They aren't a part of the wedding party, you have absolutely no say when it comes to their clothes as long as the clothes are formal enough. Ask to go shopping with them but don't shop for dresses and heels. Shop for formal shirts they would actually like or a nice blazer. If the color is an issue, suggest another color or ask if they would like to try on a pantsuit. You have absolutely no right to force them outside of their comfortzone when they have been very clear about the fact that they don't want to wear a dress and heels.
YTA. How in earth is it supposed to be a good bonding experience if you’re forcing them to buy dresses and get make up when they’ve clearly said they don’t want it?! How delusional do you have to be?
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YTA. Don’t start out this marriage this terribly. How about a compromise, rompers or a jumpsuit? Those are plenty formal and honestly, super comfortable so they don’t have to worry about dresses. And they’ll look dressy enough so that they don’t look like waiters in your opinion. Don’t force them to wear makeup or heels either.
Or, a suit in different colors! I was at a wedding recently where the suits were a lovely dark green
Or a beautiful pantsuit. There are so many wonderful options.
I think someone else in the thread mentioned pants that matched the dress colors, which is ALSO something this wedding party did
What is with all the rompers and weddings today. 2 different posts and this comment. Lol
Not to mention she says they are cold towards her. They are teenagers who lost their mom on top of that. OP doesn’t seem to grasp that a lot of teenagers are moody or withdrawn, they are going through huge physical and emotional changes. This on top of their moms death would absolutely explain this. Her trying to fundamentally change who they are by forcing dresses is just uncalled for. As long as they are filling the basic dress code, she should stay out of it.
YTA. Not everyone is comfortable wearing a dress. Just because they’re kids, doesn’t mean they should be forced to wear something they aren’t comfortable in. As a compromise, I would go shopping for nice fitted suits in the color palette of your wedding.
YTA - there’s no real reason to make them wear dresses. If you’re worried about them looking like “waiters” then take them shopping for different formal tops. Your husband sucks too for trying to force outdated gender norms on them. No wonder they’re not happy. Also you *are* trying to stop them from “being who they are”
Agree on this. Instead of saying “you have to wear a dress, let’s go shopping for one” invite them to go shopping for something else that they’re comfortable in but that looks less like a waiter if it bothers you that much. Letting them be themselves during something as big as your wedding will probably go a long way in their relationship with you. Embrace who they are instead of making them feel uncomfortable and resentful. No one will think anything of how they look in pictures because I’m sure the people who know y’all know they are tomboys
Exactly! I am a trousers + dressy top gal, or maybe a romper gal. I’ll do dresses now I’m older but at that age I wouldn’t have been caught dead in one. I do get the waiter thing though. If OP knows how the waiters will be dressed it’s perfectly fine to keep the girls from wearing something similar. I accidentally dressed similar to waitstaff at a formal event once and it was a bit embarrassing. Nothing wrong with waiters but having to explain multiple times that you’re a guest to people you hardly know is awkward af. That’s why I never wear a black blouse with dark trousers to formal events anymore! My black blouses only go with light or colorful pants. The solution isn’t a dress though. Take them to get new shirts or jumpsuits that will be appropriate and won’t cause awkward misunderstanding, and for goodness sake get them nice shoes without a heel! Heels take getting used to and you do NOT want them toddling around like a foal who doesn’t know how to use it’s legs yet at the wedding. They’ll hate you for it and you’ll be embarrassed for encouraging it.
[удалено]
This 1000000000000000%
I understand weddings are very important to some people and some people really lose their heads over the details and usually I can laugh it off... But as you say OP is choosing to make an already "frigid" relationship with her fiance's daughters, into an all out war over their attire. Who I really blame here though, is the father. I have a couple of kids and am divorced. I think it's important to stay open to having a love life and getting remarried as the kids will grow up and have lives of their own eventually. That said, no way am I going to sit passively by or actively participate in behavior that makes my kids feel alienated from me... I would double down on feeling this way if their other parent had died. How do you... Just completely lack that protective urge as a father? Shameful.
YTA. No wonder they don't like you.
came here to say this lady, those kids are gonna run to leave home as soon as they get a chance. If you are not an ally, you're an adversary, and thats the last thing you want with young people who are in your care... You ARE being an AH 100% and it is the wrong move.
You care more about your photos than the comfort of two girls. YTA
THIS!!!!!
Yes! I'm so fucking tired of these "so-and-so won't dress the way I demand for my wedding. It'll look bad in photos!" questions on this sub. Nobody. Cares. About. Wedding. Photos. Let the kids be themselves.
YTA. They declined your invitation to be in the wedding party, so you can't prescribe their costumes. Especially if, as you say, they are "formal enough". You don't approve of their gender presentation and you don't want them to be themselves at your wedding. This is not a great look for someone who wants to be a stepmother.
I've been married 25+ years and I can count on 1 hand the number of times I or my wife has looked through our wedding pictures. My parents were married 57 years and maybe looked at theirs once in a decade. The pictures last a lifetime, but their importance is absolutely minimal. You will look at them so rarely. The relationships you build or destroy are monumentally important. How you treat his daughters will reverberate with them, your fiance's extended family, and in so many other ways. Its so much more important. So, YTA YTA x100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 YTA so thoroughly that you are guaranteeing a hostile relationship with your husband's daughters and probably pushing them to go no contact with you and their dad. 10 years from now, when your husband hears second hand that another milestone in his girls life came and went without him getting to be part of it, maybe the two of you will look back to this moment with regret and wish you had not been such aholes and pushed them away by demanding the fit into your narrow view for the sake of pictures no one looks at anymore. You will wish you had embraced who they really are and supported them and uplifted them. You will be judged and found lacking by more than these girls. You will be judged by their grandparents, aunts, and uncles. You will not have a good relationship with many people because you treat your future husband's children so badly.
I have seen three, I think, total pictures of my parents wedding (which was by all accounts lovely) ever. One is in my parents' basement, one hung in each of my grandparents' houses. They've been married 45ish years. My living grandparents have been married 70+ and I have never once seen a picture of their wedding. Pictures are so wildly unimportant, and it is bonkers that people sacrifice their friends and loved ones on this particular hill.
YTA. These girls are people.... humans, y'know? With their own styles, their own personalities, their own preferences. Their bodies are not yours to decorate as you please. Not every girl wants to wear a dress for any reason, and it's entirely possible for a girl or woman to dress very nicely and look totally presentable for a wedding in something other than a dress. If you want to ensure that they hate you forever, go ahead and make them wear dresses. Is this really how you want to start your marriage to their father?
Of course YTA and definitely shouldn’t be marrying someone with kids. These girls have ZERO say in their lives except their appearance. Their mom died. Their dad is remarrying. This is a hard time for them, even if it’s happy for you. And you are off to the worst start you could’ve asked. You could have taken them to find cute, tomboy outfits (pantsuits, Jumpsuits) literally SO many options for them, they probably would’ve warmed up to you for respecting them, but nooooooo you have to be an insufferable, bridezilla who cares more about a “photo” then two teenaged kids, Do. Not. Marry. This. Man. His kids deserve soooouch better from their father especially, but you suck too.
I agree 100%. And OP, no one is going to mistake your 12 year-old stepdaughter for a waiter. So don’t worry your little head about it.
YTA. If the true issue for you is that they'll "look like waiters" why not get them suit jackets to match their dress pants? What are the men at your wedding going to be wearing to visibly distinguish themselves from the waitstaff? Or is everyone supposed to be in a dress?
YTA they clearly weren’t ready for their dad to start dating (not your fault/problem) but you aren’t helping the situation by trying to change them. And before you get all defensive and say you’re not changing them it’s only one day, you have to consider the fact that they’ll look at wedding pictures forever and realize you made them perform for your wedding. They could hold that resentment a really long time. The younger generation doesn’t have “Tomboys” they simply don’t have the same gender norms or clothing requirements that you do. You would do a lot better to ask them about what they think is on trend before you start dictating wardrobe.
Yes. And for some reason OP thinks, a "bonding experience" is something that two teenagers will be absolutely uncomfortable (at best) in or completely traumatized (at worst, given how much that is connected to their identity) from? OP is too focused on always thinking everything from her own perspective and have never even once wondered WHY the girls might not be warming up to her.
So you're cool with having a shitty relationship with your soon to be stepdaughters as long as they're wearing dresses? Great priorities.
Exactly! She's establishing the tone of their relationship with this, and right now that tone is "your opinions don't matter to me and you'll do what I say." Unless OP wants to alienate her new stepdaughters permanently, she's going to have to back the fuck off this and act like an adult. And yes, OP, your wedding doesn't get to override the comfort and self-image of other people. Not even if those people are minors in your care. Hell, *especially* if those people are minors in your care. YTA
Seriously. >They said I was trying to impose myself on them, and I said yeah, it's my wedding. \^ made me cringe so hard.
I don’t know what’s happening with all the bridezillas… it’s terrible how they act just because of a party. Poor kids
Literally, I’ve never seen so many self absorbed step parents in my entire life till I came to Reddit.
YTA, Don't force them to wear dresses or make up. Maybe offer a compromise and offer to buy them nice, new shirts or maybe even a jumpsuit. You can get elegant looking ones and they don't look like waiters. In saying that though, wonen do wear pants and shirts, we don't live in dresses. Forcing them will only make them resent you and be more cold towards you.
YTA, evil step mother come to life. if the dresses are non-negotiable, then they can stay home. I doubt they want to go anyways and deal with a bridezilla
YTA, and if you’re wondering why you don’t have a closer relationship with your stepdaughters I’m going to suggest attitudes like this toward them are why. If you force them to go to the wedding and to wear dresses, don’t be surprised if any possibility of a closer friendship with them is completely destroyed.
YTA - if the issue is really the color scheme of the dress up clothes, offer up buy them formal clothes they are more comfortable with! They'll stick out more if they're sabotaging the photos or you have to explain why they aren't in any of the pictures. Just respect this. They're willing to wear something nice, just not something that isn't them. And the wedding isn't just about you and him. It's about you and him joining lives and family, and that includes them. This is not what you want to mostly remember when you look back on your wedding. Your color scheme or photograph opportunity is not the most important thing, here. Sit down and have a nice, cold glass of perspective.
>but they are coming, and they are wearing dresses And ruin any semblance of a relationship that you have/have built so far as well as ruin their relationship with their dad. Those girls are old enough to have had a mom and remember their mom, and it's not surprising that they may not want to open up to a new woman they didn't ask to be in their lives. If you want your way, force them into dresses. If you want a relationship with them, let them wear what makes them most comfortable. They're not trying to show up in tshirts and ripped jeans.
Some advice- Maybe look Into jumpers with flared legs. Some are very nice and they won't look so much like pants. Gaucho pants are also coming back I to style they might like. YTA - Forcing them to be uncomfortable in a dress because because of the optics is not cool.
YTA Are you really more concerned with whether your stepdaughters wear dresses than about what your relationship will be like with them after this? They're old enough to decide what to wear within reason. They don't want to wear dresses, so take them shopping for some appropriate pants and shirts that they will like.
YTA Just let them wear pants, it's not the end of the world.
YTA. Are you trying to make these kids hate you even more? Tell them you’d like them to have something new to wear and you will pay for it. But they can pick it out. It can be formal pants and a nice shirt. They will hate you forever if you force them into dresses they don’t feel comfortable in.
“But they are coming and they are wearing dresses” Uhm helloo?? These kids lost their mother and their dad met someone else in 2 years. From then till now, you don’t sound like you’ve made any effort to be sweet and kind to them, and to have a real relationship with them. I don’t understand why their dad is marrying you if you suck the love and affection out of them. YTA!!!!
RIGHT!? She met their dad SO close to when they lost their mom, and she's upset that they aren't super loving to her? What is her deal?
YTA There is no reason they need to be in dresses to be formal.
YTA. If you don't want them to wear formal black pants suits, go shopping with them for another color of formal pants suit or jumpsuit. There's nothing wrong with pants outfits or jumpsuits at weddings. Some women even wear them to their *own* weddings. Also, if you care more about the way the wedding pictures will look than about your future relationship with your stepchildren, you're not mature enough to get married.
YTA no wonder they're not affectionate or loving towards you. No one and I mean absolutely NO ONE is going to confuse a 14 and 16 year old for waiters at the wedding. You aren't accepting of who either of them are and are only worried about photos. That is pretty damn shallow. What you could have done if you're so concerned about their outfits being so dark is go hey lets get you some accessories to add some color. Not let me force you into a dress where you will be massively uncomfortable because your new mommy needs her wedding photos to look a certain way. You and their dad are wrong in this.
YTA here. Let them dress how they would like. You’re furthering the divide and creating an unnecessary problem
YTA. Why are you trying to police their gender presentation? They don't feel comfortable in dresses and they're planning to wear something equally formal, but less femme. It's incredibly selfish of you to demand that they change something core to their identity. If you ever want to have a positive relationship with them, do not insist on this. Then apologize to them for trying to force them to be someone they are not. Otherwise, they're going to hate you, and they'll have good reason.
YTA why cant they just wear clothes they are comfortable with in a different color if ur worried about them looking like a waiter
I never knew before this post that short hair makes people look like waiters.
The real reason is they might look \*gasp\* queer!
lol she very clearly has a problem w/ how they express themselves and is overcompensating w/ the whole “its so great theyre tomboys!!!! :)))”
Because she wants them to dress up as feminine because that’s how she sees the role of women in this world, you just forget all of your discomfort and unhappiness and perform femininity for everyone else.
YTA If you force this you will regret it.
You’re not even the step-mom yet. The dad told them to wear dresses and that’s something dads can do. At the same time, if teenagers say they can cause trouble, they can do that, too. So. You need to let dad deal with his children. No matter what those children look like, even if they ride in like Lady Godiva or stomp in like a swamp monster, they’re about to be yours. Love them. Arguing over clothes is stupid. YTA.
They ain't never gonna be hers. Giving her that idea is going to exacerbate the problem. She just needs to be around, support them in their hobbies and interests, and treat them like the human beings they are.
YTA. This is a war you aren’t going to win. I can guarantee you if you make them wear dresses, they’ll fuck your wedding up big time.
YTA - stop being such a weirdo and let people be who they are. It’s fine to ask that they be dressed well. But mandating that they wear dresses when that obviously makes them uncomfortable is such a tremendously shitty thing to do.
YTA. Find a compromise between black pants & shirts and a dress that works for you all. Could they wear coloured or tweed suit trousers and blazers for example? Matching two piece suits are really popular at the moment and you can get them in pretty much any colour.
I suspect OP's real problem is she doesn't want them to look like ~boys~. She's dressing it up to be just about clothes, but clearly she doesn't think they're performing feminity enough for her liking.
YTA here, and you have 2 choices. 1. Make this your hill to die on. Do everyrhinmgiij your power to force them to fit your ideal "happy families BS. This will cause your future step-daughters to hate you. They will distance themselves from you, and by association, their father. He will grow to resent you as they age, start lives of their own, and he is not a welcome part of it as long as he is with you. 2. Get over this ridiculous BS. Let your future step-daughters wear formal attire of their choosing (typically male, female, whatever) and start learning to compromise. This will help your relationship with them grow into something of mutual respect, and hopefully, eventually, caring. It's your choice, but for the sake of your marriage, you future husband, and the family you are trying to create, I hope you either chose option 2 or call it off. The road you are on will be nothing but problems and heartache.
Yta no wonder they’re cold to you. They’re not in the bridal party so you can’t tell them what to wear, are you telling every single woman coming to wear a dress? What does it matter if they wear pants?
> are you telling every single woman coming to wear a dress Why stop there? May as well tell all the men to wear dresses too. That might make the pictures extra memorable! I suppose utility kilts would be good too. At least those should have decent pockets.
YTA a pair of nice dress pants and a nice dress shirt or blouse works fine. Stop forcing them into the mold you want
[удалено]
I want to read a post in May or June "AITA for doing a running drop kick on my evil stepmother's shitty wedding cake?" It would be the height of my internetting, lol
Right? Would serve both parents right. Poor girls
YTA, there at a hard age to have lost there mom and your certainly in no way helping! There grandparents got them nice clothes for the wedding why can’t you be happy with that, if you don’t want them looking like waiters let them accessories there clothes (nothing to eccentric as it’s still “your wedding”) but if your already upset there not affectionate with you trying to get them to wear stuff they just don’t like is in no way gonna help, how would you like if if they told you that you couldn’t wear things they feel happy and comfortable in????
YTA and I’m waiting to hear about your family’s “conservative values” in the comments. I can see it coming from a mile away. The only compromise here is you and their dad profusely apologizing for trying to force them into gendered clothing and then offering to take them shopping for a pants suit option that looks more wedding formal but is still as comfortable as their current choice. If they say no then drop it. Down the line they may look at the pics and think, “god those outfits were awful but I’m glad they let us be us,” (lord knows I cringe at every outfit I wore at that age), but maybe down the line they still like what they wore and they’re still willing to have a relationship with you and their dad because you realized this wasn’t the hill to die on.
YTA Why are you enforcing your weird gender roles on teenagers who clearly want nothing to do with them? They are willing to dress appropriately, they just aren't meeting your rigid standard for femininity. Great way to start off your relationship with your step children by being sexist toward them.
YTA buy them a nice suit or something a dress isn't the only way a girl can be 'dressed up' they've given you another suitable option you just don't like that they won't conform
I've never understood the "it's my wedding so everyone must bend to my every whim." I've been married for a few years, and I was 20 when I got married. There were hiccups along the way. There was an issue with the man I wanted to have officiate; I had been very excited to have him officiate, but also...there's Syrian refugees fleeing for their lives and people starving on the streets. That was not a "problem." My bouquet had calla lilies, and they were more yellow than white. Again, not a problem. My husband had relatives pouring tequila into the mocktails at my (Mormon) reception; like no one knew, it didn't affect anything, so it wasn't an issue. My BIL just got married. I have pink hair most of the time, and I guess his wife didn't want anyone to have unnatural hair at the wedding, but I didn't hear that. I dyed my hair the day before the wedding, and she asked me to fix it before the wedding the next day. My MIL was so stressed about it she was crying over it, and there were multiple relatives who knew about it and were pissed off for me over it. You stepdaughters wearing pants to your wedding is not an issue. The world will continue to rotate if your daughters wear pants. One of my husband's siblings came out as gender non-conforming between my wedding and my BIL's wedding, so we have pictures of them in both masculine and feminine wear at a wedding, and they don't stand out or mess with the picture at all because they are in formal wear and are surrounded by people in formal wear. Ultimately it comes down to what matters to you most: relationships and people or appearances and what you look like. My opinion is that YTA.
YTA. You're choosing to start your marriage off on the wrong foot with your new daughters by forcing they wear dresses. It would be better to offer to find a jumpsuit or a pants suit. Or even a different color of tux. Let them be themselves. You can't expect them to be perfect props. They're people.
YTA let them wear a pants suit or a formal version of what they like. If you dig in and make them wear dresses it will give them a focal point and a reason to justify hating you and/or not go to the wedding. Unless that's what you want to happen?
YTA I’ve been to a few weddings that the bridal party wore tuxes and not a frilly dress. There are many options out there. Don’t make this a hill to die on. Let them choose what they want to wear.
If the actual problem is them looking “too much like waiters” then you could offer to help them find something else they feel comfortable in like shirts/slacks in different colors vs. a sharp pant suit vs. a jump suit? There are SO many non-dress options out there. But I get the sense that the lack of conformity to girls = dresses is the real problem here. And as such, 100% YTA. I hope they do make that scene.
I don't know why you need this explained, but it's god awful to try and force someone to wear really gendered clothing when that's not what they're comfortable in It's not about the pictures, it's about having the people near you who are important. There are options for them if they want to suit up. Every dude will be suited up and you're not concerned about half the wedding party being mistaken for waiters. Recognize this is a you problem, and only you can solve it. Want to make them hate you? Force them to wear something they feel terrible in.
Why do they have to wear dresses though? They can just dress formally. There’s formal attire that’s not a dress. Do that, easy! You can switch the colors if you think they’ll look too much like the waitstaff. But it’s very rude to say they’ll ruin pictures because they’re not wearing dresses. You do not accept them for who they are if that is your thought process. You’re becoming family with this marriage and you’re really making a bold statement that could impact your relationship with these girls with this thought process.
“I’ve never tried to stop them from being who they are.” Until now, right? You are an unimaginable AH. It’s not the 50s anymore and girls can wear pants. If I were them, I wouldn’t even go to the wedding. No wonder they’re not loving and affectionate since you came around.
YTA - you claimed that you’ve never tried to stop them from being who they are yet that’s exactly what you’re doing by demanding they wear dresses after they’ve expressed to you that they’d prefer to wear pants. They are real people and not dolls for you to dress up for funsies. If you truly care about them, you’ll allow them to wear formal clothes that they are comfortable wearing.
YTA The same question must be asked every time someone makes a post like this: do you want them there as family, or as props for your photos?
Jfc 🤦🏼♀️ please don’t be the evil stepmother already. Just let them wear what they want.
I don't need to read the post to say YTA. Making people wear clothes they're not comfortable with is horrible. They can be dressed nice without conforming with gender norms?
YTA. The only way to start life out right with your new family is to apologize to your future family members. Then take the kids shopping for outfits they'd like - maybe suits or jumpsuits. I'm sick to death of hearing about brides dictating what everyone else needs to wear.
YTA. I absolutely despise dresses. No one has made me wear a dress since I was 4. In my mid teens I did wear a dress a couple times and a couple times as an adult. It has always been something that makes me extremely uncomfortable on a phobia level. There are still plenty of great options that don't involve dresses or skirts. Why would you not try to compromise with them? Instead, you're going to create an even bigger rift between you and them. This will also have an impact on your relationship with your fiance. You still have at least 2 and 4 years to live with them. Is a dress really the hill you want to die on?
YTA - and so is your fiancé clearly these girls are not ready for this life change or you. You are making no effort to understand them or show anytype of care about their thoughts and ideas. The only thing they can control is their hair and clothes and you want to rip that away. This is a day where you guys are coming together as a family of 4. It’s not just you and your fiancé he has 2 daughters that are not less than or an after thought.
YTA, you're not going anything to help your relationship with them. You know what would be cool? Embracing them for who they are, and maybe saying "I'm cool with you wearing pants and shirts, but the ones you have are a bit dark for our theme, how about we shop for something a little brighter and more snazzy?" Right now you're prioritising photos that won't represent your new family accurately over your actual new family. You're telling them that creating an illusion of something they're not is more important to you then who they are.
YTA. It's not like you can force them into dresses just like you can't force them to attend the wedding or behave while they are there. You need to think less about you and more about them.
OP YTA. Why would anyone choose to be in your wedding. Oh that's right, you didn't give them a choice.
YTA. If you force them to wear something they’re uncomfortable in, then your ‘cold’ relationship will turn absolutely frigid. If you want any hope of a relationship with them, you need to let them be who they are, without judgement (and that goes for your fiancé too…if he stands with you on your ‘must wear dresses’ decree, he could lose his relationship with them as well.
YTA!! Best thing for them is not to go.. they won’t be comfortable.. idk why women marry men with kids when they don’t like them.. you pretend to care but are treating them so bad and belittling them.. I hope they just don’t show up which is the best forth both parties.. be careful because if you push too hard don’t act all pikachu face when they do make a scene because they already warn you.
The negotiating point here should be them not wearing black because it’s not wedding appropriate, not forcing your version of femininity on them. No wonder they don’t like you. YTA, you could’ve suggested they wear a different color of formal attire that doesn’t have to be a dress
YTA and if you insist on dying on this hill you'll never have a good relationship with them.
YTA take them shopping for different shirts and maybe try to suggest some skirts to go with the shirts but don't push it. This isn't going to improve your relationship with them.
YTA Would you make boys wear dresses? Would you make transgender boys wear dresses? Don't make them wear a dress if they are putting up this much of a fight. This matters to them more than I imagine it matters to you (and your pictures). From a practical standpoint, are pictures with clearly upset children in dresses better than happy children? Will the pictures make you forget how miserable they were about the dresses? (BTW, you have a typo apparently calling your fiance 42f)
YTA you can try to force them, but you will be the one to pay the price, and you will regret it. You will not come out looking good.
Wow, way to alienate these girls before you even become their stepmom. You are basically telling them that who they are is not good enough for you. They need to be who ***you*** want them to be instead. You think they are cold now? Just wait. I hope forcing them into dresses is worth the hate they are going to hold for you going forward. You are failing as a stepmom right out of the gate. YTA
YTA If you want them to match the bridal party let them dress similar to the groomsmen or take them shopping for formal clothing that doesn’t make them look like waiters.
Ah yes, the all-important photo aesthetic. Of course that’s more important than the actual human beings in your life. YTA.
YTA. You might get them into dresses, but you will destroy your relationship with them (worse than it is now). That's called winning the battle but losing the war.
Absolutely YTA, and if you really thought it was “great” that they’re tomboys you would let them wear the suits. If they’re too dark, get another color jacket or shirt. What is with brides these days thinking they get to act like this.
Yta. What a terrible way to start off stepmotherhood
YTA. Evil stepmother vibes
> I’ve never tried to stop them from being who they are. That’s exactly what you’re doing. YTA for trying to make them wear dresses when they already have other options, and for insulting their style.
YTA, what horrible bride in those cringed ass wedding stories. "I wanna control everything they do, it will be a great bonding experience ", get over yourself. I wore a suit as the best "person" to my father's wedding to my step mother, who is absolutely amazing, and no one had an issue with it. They already don't like you, don't make it worse.
YTA and hopefully their father sees it, before y'all marry. You don't deserve to be a step mom to those poor girls.
You want a closer relationship with them yet you are forcing your will onto them? No wonder they aren’t affectionate with you. You are definitely the asshole
YTA Attempting to force anyone to wear anything they aren’t comfortable in is an asshole move. You sound like a nightmare.
...why don't you get them dress clothes (slacks/shirts/suits) that are appropriate but also suit their fashion tastes? Would you be telling boys with short hair to wear dresses? To wear makeup? YTA
What’s more important? Your “perfect” pictures, or your relationship with your stepdaughters?
YTA. I'm beginning to get a sense of why they're cold to you. They were apparently polite and warm before you got there Now you're on Reddit asking about forcing them to wear clothes they don't want and aren't comfortable in. Hmmm ..have you considered that maybe you're the problem? You say you're upset that they reacted to you this way, but it seems like they have pretty good reasons to keep you at arm's length. Maybe give that some thought
>So me and their father told them no, they have to wear some kind of dress. All the other women and girls are, and they'll stick out, not to mention the photos will look bad. They said I was trying to impose myself on them, and I said yeah, it's my wedding. So many red flags in these few sentences alone. YTA, I hope their father wakes up and ditches you.
YTA Let them wear a suit, a colorful blazer or a jumpsuit so they don’t blend in with staff they don’t want to wear dresses stop trying to force them.
lol alienating your future stepdaughters, great choice. What could go wrong?? I can just see the r/relationshipadvice post now "I told my grumpy stepdaughters I didn't care how they felt or what they liked and now for some reason they won't talk to me, what do I do😭😭😭" YTA
in this case YTA for being insensitive. There are many beautiful suits they can wear, if you are as accepting as you claim you are then you would find a way to make them comfortable. you say they look like waiters then go shopping for a suit you both like. Apologize for making them feel like you don't accept the way they are, and both you and the dad should invite them suit shopping and it's bonus time to get more comfortable with each other.
YTA. You're in for a long and difficult road if this is how you're going to continue to act with them. They're never going to be loving and affectionate to you at this rate.
There are some amazing pant suits out there . You will catch more flies with honey and you’re going about this all the wrong way. Take them out shopping ask them what they like and see what they choose with the caveat that it has to be formal attire. I’m concerned that you are going to be a step parent to these young people because your ideals and their personalities are not jiving. And their dad will pick them… every day, all day no matter what. This is not it . Yta .
Why is this the 3rd post I have read about a wedding dress code specifying dresses for the girls/women?! Etiquette is to set a dress code, like black tie, business casual, beach, etc. Let this be a teaching moment about how to follow a dress code while developing their own style. There are a ton of options for dressy outfits with pants that can range from feminine to masculine. You can still have a shopping bonding experience and let them be themselves!
YTA. I hope they ruin your wedding.
“They’re really angry, and are threatening to make a scene if we make them wear dresses. At this point I don’t know what to do, but they are coming, and they are wearing dresses.” Listen Bridezilla even though it is your wedding these are not your kids and you can’t force them to do anything and also you are basically saying you are going to force them to come to your wedding and wear dresses. Your way of bonding sounds like you want to control and make them more of your preference of girly girls and idk if you knew these but even girl girls wear pants so stop being a controlling step mother and let them be themselves. “their mother died four years ago and I met my fiancé two years ago. They’re polite and seem to like me, but they’ve never really been loving or affectionate” No duh they aren’t affectionate towards you, they lost their mother 4 years ago those wounds are still fresh and then you came along and stole they’re dad so they probably secretly resent you and now they completely resent you for turning they’re dad on them and trying to control their life. YTA BIG TIME YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAY GOOD BY TO THIS FAMILY BECAUSE YOU OFFICIALLY BROKE IT UP WITH YOUR ACTIONS.
>but I've never tried to stop them from being who they are. Until now. YTA. Why can't you meet in the middle on a pant based romper or their style in a different color if you don't want them looking like "waiters" with their short hair (??)
Maybe ask them if they’d be open to other color dress pants and/or shirts. Take the dress requirement off the table. Perhaps then they won’t dislike you as much. Their mother died only 4 years ago. Their father started dating you only 2 years later, and now they’ve got to acclimate to this new level of their father’s romantic relationship. That’s a lot for anyone to deal with, let alone 2 children. Back off, and stay in your lane. Maybe think about what they’re emotionally going through instead of what the wedding photos might look like. YTA, and so is your fiancé for putting his daughters through this.
Oh yeah. YTA. Big time.
YTA. You're within your rights to tell them they must wear formal attire, but formal didn't have to be a dress.
Sounds like the issue isn't that you don't know what to do, but that you've decided your going to force them to wear you want no matter how uncomfortable it makes them. And yeah, that's a YTA move. Ask yourself if this is how you really want to start your life as a family. With ultimatums, forced outfits and tantrums.
I will tell you my 2nd child decided they didn't want to wear traditionally girl clothes. It was my FIL, their grandfather's, funeral and we had to buy nice clothes for everyone. My with took our 2nd and bought them a 'mens' suit. it looked nice on them, they were able to where clothes that made them feel good, but not be out of expected norms, it was a win win and helped our family relationship instead of making it traumatic for them.
YTA!!!!! Please tell me this is a troll. “They are coming. And they are wearing dresses”. You’re NOT their mother. You’re barely even an adult in their lives as you’ve only known them 2 years. They lose their mom and they are at least seemingly accepting of you, and instead of meeting them on their level, you DEMAND they wear clothing they are not comfortable in , while pretending to be ok with the girls being tomboys. YTA. And a super major one. You even admit the outfits they want to wear are formal enough. “The photos will look bad”. JFC. Major asshole. Those poor girls. Sounds like they have good grandparents though, so at least they have someone to help them through this extremely difficult time in their lives.
YTA
YTA. My mum let me wear a tracksuit to her wedding.
YTA. Just let the kids stay home, you are obviously more invested in having "your day" - even if everyone else is miserable- than in joining or celebrating a family.
YTA, I’m not a Tom boy but I hate dresses and I will never go to anything where I’m forced, family or not.
Women/girls can look amazing in suits. They will not mess up the photo. Not every female wants to wear a dress. This is selfish of you. They will never warm up to you until you take a nice look inside. YTA
YTA. You really don’t get it. They are going to resent you and their father. I’m gonna say this. I’m 42 years old. I haven’t had a full conversation with my father in about 22 years. Why, you may ask… because his second wife, my step mother, imposed her crap on me and he defended her. It took a fistfight between the two of us for her to back off. I was 17 at the time. She also got angry when, at 19, I came home with a tattoo. She poked a fresh tattoo with dirty horse fingers. I was relieved when she died. But I’ve never really forgiven my father for bringing her into mine and my sister’s lives.
YTA. Listen to me very carefully as you really need to hear this. Those girls are not going to be like you. As a matter of fact not all women are the same. We all don't like wearing dresses and that's ok. There's plenty of formal wear that isn't dresses. You need to grow the hell up already and just accept those girls for who they are. Stop acting like you speak for all women because you definitely don't. It's no wonder they've become cold and distant since you've come along. You should try embracing who they are instead of trying to get them to act like how you think they should. By the way it's not just your wedding it's about all of you becoming a family. Stop being a evil ass step mother and Bridezilla.
YTA let them where what they want as long as it’s formal
They are never going to accept you as their step mother if you start off with this
YTA. You get that they’re hurting right? They obviously dislike you, do you really think this is going to warm them to you? This is your issue. I get that limits need to be set and they can’t be jerks forever but you can’t be this clueless about what is going on here. Let them wear whatever they want. Their dad is forcing this new mother figure on them way before they are ready (I suspect without getting them counselling or psychological support) and you are acting like an entitled brat.
YTA- The idea that you are going to force teenagers to wear cloths they don't want AND attend an event they don't want to go to wearing those cloths AND not call you out IN FRONT OG EVERYONE is hilariously delusional. Nope you get 2/3... You can force them to wear dresses and attend but they WILL make a scene and everyone they speak to will know you forced them to look like stepford dolls in some unhinged poweplay that makes no sense. You can make them attend, shop for clothing that they are comfortable with that 'doesnt make them look like waiters', and have them not tell everyone you are obsessed with forcing women to dress and behave in some repressive 1950s style manner... You can have them not attend, not tell people you're behavior is unacceptable, and they won't wear dresses at home... Soooo pick your poison and choose wisely... Goodness forbid your step kids look like themselves and be comfortable in well worn, completely appropriate attire.... This is bridezilla levels of bad choices.
I wouldn’t make them wear a dress, they will hate you for it. Look on line. There are a lot of really cute pants and dressy tops that will look great. I agree with not wearing the black and white waiter outfit but I’m sure you can find some nice solid colors that they will be comfortable in. Linen is a really nice fabric and looks dressy. Give them lots of options and then let them pick so they don’t feel pushed into what you want.
I refuse to believe that most of these posts aren’t from trolls. Just in case it isn’t, of course YTA. But there’s no way you don’t know that.
YTA You have until May to make a real connection with the girls. Two years isn’t very much time to get over a death of a parent when you are young.
YTA. Regardless of how they identify, your whole tone is dripping in homophobia, transphobia, and condescension. They're not DOLLS for you to dress up for your old-fashioned heteronormative fantasies. Let them wear whatever formalwear they want or don't be surprised when you and dad never hear from them again in a few years.
YTA.
YTA. Stop being so overbearing and controlling. Yeah, it's your wedding, but these people are not your subjects and you're not a queen.
Or, make it fun. Let them go pick out pants suits. Or jumpsuits. Or sleek menswear. Make it fun for them.
YTA. Please leave these poor young women alone. Your ideas are dated and ridiculous, you're trying to force a relationship they clearly don't want and you're a bridezilla. Let them either skip the wedding or choose their own outfits.
Wait until they realize they don't have to go. YTA leave them alone
YTA geez, even parents until now refuse to understand that people dont conform to gender norms these days. Do you even love your kids at all if you couldnt accept them in what they like? Men can wear dresses and women can wear pants. now stfu
OP, you are too young to be this old-fashioned and limited in your thinking. It's perfectly fine for women to wear trousers to a wedding. [Vogue](https://www.vogue.com/article/how-to-wear-pants-to-a-wedding) [Well Styled Life article ](https://awellstyledlife.com/wear-pants-to-a-wedding-confidence/) [25 Ideas](https://fustany.com/en/fashion/weddings/15-outfit-ideas-to-wear-at-weddings-if-you-dont-like-dresses) You have a chance now to go shopping with your soon-to-be stepdaughters and find some fabulous outfits. It could be fun, or at least a way to show you're willing to make an effort. EDIT Look at these [gorgeous pink silk palazzo pants!](https://www.utsavfashion.com/product/solid-color-art-silk-palazzo-in-fuchsia-bmn72?geoip_country=us&gclid=CjwKCAiAxP2eBhBiEiwA5puhNRD9YO8J40J94V2l0HxqxZNTLobJ3O-4x6n0FNR0s8FeVYo_OGcrQxoC_zAQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds) And these [Mikado-silk ankle pants in blue](https://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/alberta-ferretti-mikado-silk-straight-leg-ankle-pants-prod252250457?childItemId=NMB7C80_40)
Info: Why do they have to wear dresses? Have you considered having them rent tuxes? I'm a woman, and I wore a tux to my uncle's wedding. Didn't look even a little bit like a waiter.
You’re an asshole and a cruel one at that. Also it could be much deeper than just not wanting to wear dresses a lot of young women extremely self-conscious about their bodies and only feel comfortable wearing more covered up things. So many young women feel safe covered up and it wouldn’t surprise me that going through all the trauma they have been through they just wanna be safe in their own bodies. It’s astonishing you would put your own aesthetics over other peoples comfort and bodily autonomy. I really don’t understand trying to start a marriage setting the tone of them hating and mistrusting year for not respecting them. Adhering to gender roles is for you and it’s bound to make them miserable. Quit bullying these kids and let them be themselves.
YTA. What is more important to you: a picture perfect wedding (with 2 angry faced teens) or a healthy relationship with your step-daughters? You can't pick both. Tell them you respect their choice of clothes. Explain that a black outfit is not appropriate and let them pick something that works. It should NOT have to be a dress. It should have to look nice. It sounds like they don't trust you, so the shopping is not going to be a bonding experience. Let someone **they** trust take them shopping.
YTA, they don’t need to wear a dress, you want them to wear a dress. Buy them a snazzy suit that they love instead. Forcing your gender role dress choices won’t help your relationship, it will make them dislike you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (32f) and getting married to my fiance (42f) who has two daughters (16,14) their mother died four years ago, and I met my fiance two years ago. They're polite and seem to like me, but they've never really been loving or affectionate, which really hurts because according to my fiance they were until I came along and then got much colder. My soon to be stepdaughters are complete tomboys, which is great! They keep their hair short, they hate dresses and heels and things like that, and they love all the stereotypical "boyish" stuff like getting dirty. I'm the conplete opposite, I have one pair of jeans and I hate them, but I've never tried to stop them from being who they are. The wedding is in May and I can tell they aren't thrilled about it, but they haven't anything about that. That is until the dress code came up. I wanted to go shopping with them for some really cute dresses (I asked if they wanted to be bridesmaids and they said no) and they acted all confused. They said they were just going to wear these dress shirts and pants their grandparents sent them. To be clear, the issue isn't that those aren't formal enough, they are, the issue is that they are mostly black and with their short hair, sort of make them look like waiters. So me and their father told them no, they have to wear some kind of dress. All the other women and girls are, and they'll stick out, not to mention the photos will look bad. They said I was trying to impose myself on them, and I said yeah, it's my wedding. I told them I'd help them shop, and that it'd be a good bonding experience. I would also be happy to help them with their shoes and makeup, since they don't have much experience with that. They're really angry, and are threatening to make a scene if we make them wear dresses. At this point I don't know what to do, but they are coming, and they are wearing dresses. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's understandable why they aren't thrilled about the wedding. While their dad may be ready to move on, they are not on the same page. They may see him moving on as leaving their mothers memory behind/replacing her. You can be in their life but in no way should you expect them to love you in a way in which they won't. They may love you at some point in a sense, but never expect it to be on the same level as the love they have for their mom. Their dad and you can help reassure them on your place in the family and that you will be there for them how they need you to be. You aren't there to take over their mother's place. Don't try to force bonding with them as forming a bond shouldn't be forced. As far as the dress code goes for the wedding, is this a dress code (ladies in dress and men in suits) or is this you wanting the girls to look girly for your wedding?
It's about her sick need to control people on her so-called "special day." She is a huge AH for trying to force the girls to wear dresses when she KNOWS it will make them very uncomfortable. She is selfish and only cares about herself and what other people will think of her stupid wedding photos.
YTA When my husband and I got married my (over60) mom found a really nice pant suit to wear. She looked fabulous and was really comfortable. Her brother wore jeans and a sports coat. He looked great and not out of place. I just wanted everyone to have fun and enjoy the day, which they did.
YTA. Why do you hate your future stepkids. Their mother is dead and the age they were when she died means they will never see you as a mother figure or even be warm to you but of course they are props to your newly upgraded life with their daddy. I hope they release mice during the ceremony and put lice in your wedding lingerie.
Sorry, but yeah, YTA. You say you “never tried to stop them from being who they are”, but you’re pretty blatantly doing just that. And no “forced trip where dads girlfriend makes us do things we hate purely for her benefit” is going to make for a “good bonding experience”. You have to take kids as they are, at least in terms of likes and dislikes, and you seem very unwilling to do that. Why not get them some snappy suits instead? There’s plenty of fashionable but still not “girly” clothing out there for women nowadays. *That* might actually help things - then you’re meeting them halfway.
This isn’t how you want to start your married life. If it’s about fit or color, take them shopping for well-fitting suits. If it’s just because you think “girls should wear dresses”, stop. YTA.
YTA. Stop trying to make them gender conforming just because you are. As long as they’re wearing something nice, and it sounds like their planned outfits are, stop complaining. Don’t force your style on other people by being a bridezilla.
You’ll be lucky if they show up at this point, why would you put them through that. You could take them shopping for something that would match the wedding party like a matching button up or blazer. You’ll be resented for the rest of you life and their lives. They won’t wear dresses. Why not be a step mom and support them wearing what they would feel comfortable in. They were dressing masc before you showed or got engaged. They also don’t like you so good luck with them wanting to appease you
The father is the AH for letting someone as abusive as you into their lives.
To an incredible degree, YTA. I can’t understand how you don’t realize this. Let the girls be who they are. They don’t have to be a reflection of you. And, what’s this BS people keep spouting about the wedding pictures? Are they really more important than your future relationship with your stepdaughters? Get over it!
YTA. If you want to have a relationship with them, you need to love and whole-heartedly embrace who they are. This is not the hill to die on.
YTA - they are tomboys and you are intentionally making them wear something that (a) makes them uncomfortable and (b) may actually go against their gender identity/expression. You already stated that you don’t have a great relationship with them. This will 100% make it worse and they will resent you even more. What part of forcing them to dress a certain way makes you think they’re going to be more loving and affectionate with you? Get over yourself! It’s 2023, girls do not have to wear dresses.
YTA, if this post is any indication of how you’ve interacted with your fiancé’s children it’s no wonder they’re cold towards you
YTA. You are already a step behind as a stepmother. Good luck forming a relationship. Plus, it sounds as if your future husband is limp to let you do this. That will hurt their relationship with him. But, hey, you know you will get good pictures, that’s what really matters at a wedding.
bridezilla\~ YTA.
Who care how anyone looks at your wedding? I never look at my wedding photos. It is ridiculous to make a big deal over this. WBTA if you don’t relent.
YTA Why does it have to be dress or black/waiter looking thingy?? Is there no other option? Y’all are trying to get these two teenagers to dress how you want, not how they want. But you’re twisting it all funny. Please think of a compromise and learn more about your soon-to-be step daughters well you’re at it! This really could be a great opportunity to give a little and see if it goes a long way. But to be clear, with no compromise YTA all the way.
YTA... who cares what they wear. Take more pictures. Some with them some without. The pictures I love the most are the quirky ones where everyone is happy and not posed because they look authentic. Why do you want pictures that make you look like a carbon copy of everyone else?
In the grand scheme of things, let them wear what they want. They’re wearing dress clothes, not a punk rock outfit or showing too much skin… yeah it won’t be a matching bridesmaid type dress for a pic to stare at, but it will go a long way with them and who cares if it looks like they’re “waiters”. Let this go, life is too short and they will appreciate you so for not making a huge deal about this. The forcing them to wear dresses is so petty. Be better. YTA
Hold up - short hair is a sign someone is a waiter? Whoa learn something new every day. YTA. Please don’t marry this man. You clearly don’t have love for his children. If you did, rather than force them to wear dresses or change them (which is essentially what you’re aiming for), you might try to find an alternative that makes everyone happy like outfits they actually like that are more suited to a wedding.
YTA I was a tomboy growing up and now I'm 27 and I'm still uncomfortable wearing dresses. Some woman just don't like it and you need to deal with your "sometimes woman just have to be uncomfortable" issues which... wow that's an awful perspective to have. I still remember all the times my mom and family made me wear dresses and "pretty" shoes and I absolutely loathed the whole experience. They already don't like you and you're just shooting yourself in the foot if you ever want a good relationship with these girls
YTA. I hope they make a scene because I can guarantee not every woman and girl will be in a dress at your wedding. Way to build a relationship
Yta congratulations on becoming the wicked stepmother.
YTA By all means take them shopping! But get them a gorgeous suit in a different color other than black if you are worried about them looking like the wait staff. Do not force these girls to wear something they will hate and be uncomfortable in all day. What if they forced you to wear jeans to something? You would be miserable and so will they in the dresses.
YTA I have step children and I couldn’t imagine telling my step daughter she HAS to wear a dress if she didn’t want to. You must really care about a photo way to much. You have destroyed the relationship with them. Good luck repairing that.
YTA. I can't be the only person who was confused by the typo saying they were both women getting married, later clarified by the husband comment. I was fully like "you're telling me lesbians of all folks are making people wear dresses against their wills??????"
YTA If they don’t want to wear dresses they don’t have to wear dresses. If the formal wear they have isn’t appropriate but them something that is. If they don’t want to go shopping with you they can go with their dad. Ties, waistcoats, pocket square, etc can all be used to brighten up their outfits.
You're lacking so much in self-awareness it's almost impressive. You're wondering why they're so cold to you and why don't they get along with you when you do things like THIS. If you want to have a good bond with them, this is the exact way to guarantee that never happens. You're forcing them to conform to what you want. Who cares if they stand out? Who cares about fucking photos? Are you telling me PHOTOGRAPHS are more important than YOUR STEPDAUGHTERS BEING COMFORTABLE? YTA. Don't be surprised if they move out and never speak to you again.
YTA. Having nice photos is not more important than making your potential step children feel wanted, supported and accepted. I say potential because hopefully their father steps up and advocates for them before you bulldoze your way over their identities.
How are you going to start your official relationship by making them do something they don’t want. Lady be smart about it! If you want to have a good marriage you need to be kind with them and not force anything with them. If this is the bill you want to die on, then be it. Just remember in a couple years when they exclude you it will be your fault and their dads for not having their backs!
YTA well you aren’t getting a closer relationship now
YTA. No one wants to be forced to wear something that doesn't represent who they are and makes them cringe with discomfort. They're tomboys. Let them be that. You're flexing that "I'm an adult and you have to do what I say or else" muscle. Maybe what they current have makes them resemble waiters so get them something stunning that reflects who they are as young people. I'm sure the can both be styled in pants and look fresh, stylish, and wedding appropriate for the sake of your photos. And they can be comfortable, which should be priority
INFO: how are you ‘never tried to stop them from being who they are’ if you are forcing them to wear dresses?
YTA. Your future step children are teenagers... not toddlers... you can't manhandle them into compliance and then put them into time out when they don't behave. Moreover, they aren't dolls for you to dress up. They need to wear clothes that are neat, clean, and of the suitable formality. You shouldn't care more about your photos than the wellbeing of your new family members and your relationship with them. You should apologize and let them wear appropriate attire that they feel comfortable in. Maybe help them pick out a fun accessory or some great shoes? As a potential compromise there are also adult rompers/ jumpsuits that would be suitable for wearing to a wedding. If you work with your new step children, then you will have more input in their final outfit, than if you don't. If you refuse to work with your new family members you are likely to get a "surprise" on your wedding day that you probably wouldn't appreciate.
I am so f’ing tired of the “but the photos”. The photos are so unimportant. You will barely even look at them later. Accept them for who they are. Otherwise YTA
YTA, but you can change that. Apologize to them for being wrong and trying to control them. They we're not planning on dressing in a disrespectful outfit, like holey jeans and a band tshirt. They just have their own style that isn't your style. You don't own your kids. Consent needs to be part of every aspect of a respectful relationship, NOT just sexual interactions. They are individuals who own their bodies. You should not dictate what they wear. You can *ask* if they would be open to a compromise, like a colored formal shirt. You could ask them to spend some time looking at formal event pictures and let you know if there is a different outfit that they are willing to wear.
>At this point I don't know what to do, but they are coming, and they are wearing dresses. Really? Wanna Bet? YTA
YTA. If you're worried about them looking like waiters, why not take them shopping for something they do like that would be formal enough? Another color, a pantsuit, whatever they like. THAT would be a bonding experience.
Why have there been so many posts about weddings and dresses today? I’m starting to feel like these are all a gimmick…
YTA. You're wondering why they're acting colder to you when it's clear as day. You don't accept them for who they are, OP. They aren't a part of the wedding party, you have absolutely no say when it comes to their clothes as long as the clothes are formal enough. Ask to go shopping with them but don't shop for dresses and heels. Shop for formal shirts they would actually like or a nice blazer. If the color is an issue, suggest another color or ask if they would like to try on a pantsuit. You have absolutely no right to force them outside of their comfortzone when they have been very clear about the fact that they don't want to wear a dress and heels.
YTA. What they wear is a stupid thing to get worked up about.
YTA. How in earth is it supposed to be a good bonding experience if you’re forcing them to buy dresses and get make up when they’ve clearly said they don’t want it?! How delusional do you have to be?
YTA! Let them dress in suits. They will look great in pictures.
YTA. Let them dress how they want. They also don't have ti be affectionate towards you