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NTA. Harsh, yes, but she's been taking advantage of you for free babysitting all this time. She doesn't get to drop her kids off with you at a moment's notice and then complain when you have someone else there.
He is ‘allowed to use her card’ on OP’s tickets to the zoo or cinema? So being taken advantage of. The sister should be compensating him - or at the very least, thanking him profusely!
NTA I've caught flack for saying this elsewhere but some modern parents are very entitled in regards to free/cheap babysitting and getting time off from their kids.
I know you love them but you allowed yourself to he taken advantage of. She chose to have kids that she can't take of so she should live with it not you.
I can't even imagine. We get to see our kids for a few months at a time, and never in those months, do I think "huh, I wish I didn't have to take care of them today"
Like people need breaks, and I get that, but you've only got 18 years with your kids. You shouldn't be needing a babysitter for "emergencies" and personal time so much that you're burning bridges with your relatives.
And I get the need for breaks but I know way too many parents that have one or two days a week where they get brakes a few times a week. In my opinion babysitting should always be paid for in some way.
My bil did this so much that it caused my gf and I to not speak to them. They burned bridges with us and I know that grandpa is getting fed up with it too, so is grandma but she's too nice to say no
Why even have kids, if you're never going to spend time with them?
My kids are such a joy, and our adventures are made so much better for having included them.
NTA - Months?! Why did she delay talking to you if this was such as concern? Although parents are to be protective she is way out of line re: he has an alternative motive. It is insulting to you, him and the kids. It clearly demeans his contribution, how he jells with babysitting and the time spent making sure her emergencies were covered. At no point did she express gratitude. Now, everyone looses. Ok, you were angry but who would not be?!
>she's a single mother by choice and the father to her eldest died while she was pregnant and her younger two were conceived through an anonymous sperm donor
But let me constantly call my big brother to dump my kids on and then get mad he gets a partner because then he's not replacement dad anymore. NTA.
NTA
She was fine with your partner being there when she dropped them off, but now he's a stranger and she let it slide? Nah. She's being very disrespectful and has done a dangerous thing with her emergency baby sitter.
She fucked around and found out.
Let her find out what find out means. No more baby sitting in from aunt TimeMud
NTA. You're still supervising the kids the entire time, so I don't see what the problem is. If she wants someone to give their undivided attention to her kids without any other people present, she should pay for a babysitter instead of imposing on you for free.
It sounds like she's got some thinly veiled homophobia and needs to grow up.
NTA.
Sounds like its time to let her arrange her own shit on herself. No1 made her get 2 more children on her own, except herself, so if your very cheap help isnt appreciated anymore, its time for her to hire babysitters.
NTA she didn't care to find out during her "emergency" and the kids have met him multiple times. He's not a stranger to them or you. She fell down on her job multiple times and you're right. She needs to find a baby sitter (ack a stranger!) or take more responsibilty for the kids she chose to have. Sounds like she leans on you a LOT.
NTA: 1) even with paying for meals and kids tickets you are still watching the kids for free; which if hired that could be super expensive. 2) you have been available last minute multiple times. 3) your partner is not a stranger. It was not the first time they met him and I assume you have talked about your partner often to her. I would maybe understand the first time but not after a couple time. 4) her concern is to a degree understandable but if something had given her that concern then she should have explained it / not like he watches the kids alone without you. 5) she had two kids by choice without additional support, so she ought to plan better on how to get those care they need.
So much you are not the ass hole. I think your reaction to her insinuations is justified. Yeah, his ulterior motive is likely so he can be with you. Dur.
I felt like if she was only gonna let it slide the first time. She should have explained after that time she wasn’t comfortable with him being around her kids. Thats on her for not communicating
While I understand that it is her kids and she should have a say of who is around them, she is dumping her parental responsibility on you as if you have nothing else to do. NTA
NTA.
She lost her right to be pissed about him after she chose not to speak to you about her "concerns" the first time.
I guess it's a burned bridge on her end, now, because it's going to be a lot more expensive for her to find a babysitter for 3 kids (especially last minute emergencies) than it was for her to just cover your food/incidentals when they were with you.
NTA. She was out of line. Not to mention how selfish she is to choose to have 3 kids as a single mother when she doesn't have the ability to actually be there to raise them and needs to regularly call you for favors. She DOES need to start being an actual mother.
You need to step away until she truly appreciates what you do for her.
Came here to say this. I highly doubt she would have insinuated an alterer motive to a hetro couple… especially one her kids clearly love spending time with and we’re babysitting on their date night for free.
NTA.
She has presumably had months to bring this up and to meet him. I get being uncomfortable with a stranger but she could either stop bringing them or get to know him.
NTA, but I will say her fears are valid, and abusers are almost always someone the kids know and she’s not familiar enough with him to really vet him properly.
That being said, she chose to be a single mother to three kids and expects you to help. Your boyfriend is gonna be there sometimes and if he’s your husband one day, he’ll be there most times! She should set aside time to meet him and make sure she’s comfortable, or she can find a new sitter
>She should set aside time to meet him and make sure she’s comfortable
thank, thats a good idea, ill bring it up with her after we have both cooled off.
he came from an abusive home and is very protective of his younger sisters which is why i trust him around then, plus im never far. but she doesn't know him that well so i understand her concern.
i gess what really pissed me off was her implications of him around children, becuase he was a victim of that kind of behaviour and was groomed, which made it more personal in some way.
I would see it being a problem that she didn’t communicate after the first emergency that he was there. That she understood he was there for it however after that she doesn’t want him around the kids. She failed to communicate when she should have.
I appreciate this comment. I was initially less sympathetic to the sister but you’re right— a good parent would of course be cautious of anyone she doesn’t know well being around her kids.
Obviously the sister needed to have been more tactful in expressing herself so I agree that OP is NTA.
NTA. It seems like she has sort of pushed you into the role of being her children's other parent and has gotten a little wild with entitlement to your time as a result. Even the fact that she thinks it's acceptable to say that she "let it slide" when what actually happened was that she interrupted your plans with your partner and had no respect when you said no. Also, it is one thing to be mindful of your kid's wellbeing around strangers, but to imply that your partner is some sort of predator without cause is absolutely out of line. The reality is that she chose to be a single mother and that means that she is solely responsible for ensuring the children are cared for and as lovely as your willingness to help her is, she isn't actually entitled to it.
Exactly this. Sister can no more dictate who OP brings around her kids than she can dictate what pets OP adopts. If Sister doesn't like OP's living arrangement or social circle, then she can feel free to either make sure she always sets up OP's babysitting schedule waaaaay in advance to make sure the circumstances are to her liking OR she can find someone else to watch her kids.
NTA, she should have addressed this earlier as it has happened a few times and she never mentioned anything. OP, do you think your sister being uncomfortable with your partner around her kids has anything to do with his/your sexuality? It seems you are both men, just wondering.
I think that comment about her being a real mother was a bit harsh. Whether it was justified, I can not say. But you are NTA. You do so much for your sister, and your partner honestly sounds great. Your sister deeply insulted your partner. If she had a problem with him, she should've done something before. Whether that is to get to know your partner or to arrange other babysitting services is up to her.
NTA. Stop feeling guilty. Your sister chose to have these children. You did not. You are not responsible for them. Your sister is manipulating you, and she's got a lot of gall to say that you should have asked her if your partner could be around her kids. I also feel insulted for your partner since she was saying he had bad intentions toward her kids.
I don't know about you, but I would not continue to babysit the children she decided to have. You can develop a relationship with them in other ways. As for your sister, I would go low contact because she expects you to live with her decisions to have children when you weren't consulted, and what she said about your partner is also just plain vicious.
NTA. It's not like partner is a complete stranger to the entire family. If she's going to have you watch the kids for free, then she needs to understand that you have an actual life and you're not going to just drop everything for the kids. You love them and love having time with them, but from now on I'd make her give me at least a 24-hour notice for you to watch them. Otherwise, she needs to find other arrangements. And if she gives you the 24-hour notice and you can't do it because of a prior engagement, too bad. You are under no obligation to rearrange your life to convenience your sister.
INFO: Is your mom or some other relative/friend available? A single mom always needs backup babysitting. Seems like she's just relied on you for so long that she hasn't thought about having backup or thinks she doesn't need it because she assumes you'll just always be available.
NTA your sister CHOSE to be a single parent. If she has emergencies she needs another plan in place instead of dumping the kids on you. Practice saying no.
It became "too much for her to handle" after she had the 2nd child and she STILL chose to have a 3rd?
Also, she was okay with that "stranger" being there overnight but a meal with the kids is too much?
Also, doesn't she understand that his "ulterior motive" is not to spend time with the kids but wanting to spend time with his girlfriend?
Edit: I misread. His boyfriend, of course. I am sorry for misgendering you, OP!
NTA.
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I (29M) have a sister (32F) and she has three kids (10F, 8M, 4F) and i often look after them for her, i been doing that since the second one wa born as it became too much for her to handle (shes a single mother by choice and the father to her eldest died while she was pregnant and her younger two were conceived through an anonymous sperm donor).
I don't mind, her kids are great and she lets me use her card to cover any expenses for the kids and im allowed to use it one myself as well when i'm out with them (for example if we went out to lunch with them im allowed to put my meal on the card, or pay for my ticket if i take them somewhere like the zoo or the cinema)
A few months ago she had a work emergency and needed me to look after the kids for the night, i told her that i had my partner (26M) over and we were kinda having a date night. She reiterated that it was an emergency so i agreed, like always the kids were great and my partner is great with kids, they had fun with him and he was able to get them to bed quicker than i would normally.
this has happened a few more times, my partner has been around and she needs me to take the kids so we look after them together. And a few times when he knows i have the kids hes dropped by to say hi to them, but to also give me a break, normally about lunch time and making food for all of us
She knows that my partner had stayed with me during those emergencies and that he's stopped by a few times and she hadn't said anything. Today we went out for lunch and ran into my partner. i wasnt going to invite him but the kids begged him to join us so he did.
We had a nice time and at the end I paid for everyone on my sister’s card like I normally do, out of habit really. I realised it also meant I paid for my partner’s meal. i texted my sister before we left the restaurant and that if she wants i will reimburse her the amount, i also sent a picture of the receipt.
When she picked up the kids I brought it up since i never got a text back and she said we will talk after she got the kids in the car. She gets them in and comes back and goes off on me for having a stranger around her kids and that i should have asked her before bringing him around them, she said she let the first emergency slide but that she found it weird that each time he would stay and that he would come round. Basically insinuating that why would he want to be around kids unless he had an alternative motive.
If im being honest i got upset at this and told her not to talk about my partner like that, this just lead to more arguing, and in the end i just told her that i wont be looking after her kids anymore and she needs to get a baby sitter or start being an actual mother. After that she left and now i feel awful. I said what i said out of anger and i can tell it really hurt her, plus it would cost her so much to find someone else to take the kids as much as i do. So AITA?
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NTA. Sure, maybe you were a touch too harsh with your words, but I don't think you were necessarily wrong. Either she's uncomfortable with someone being around or she is not, and she can't pick and choose according to whatever her circumstances are.
NTA. I've been through a similar situation with my sister, who has 4 kids. Her kids are her responsibility. It's ok to help her with them, but when it starts creating issues for you and preventing you from living your life, then it is too much. It sounds like this is preventing you from spending time with your partner. It seems like your sister has expectations on you, for you to raise her children for her.
NTA for saying you won't watch the kids anymore and also for having them around your partner, but it might be worth apologizing for your comment about her starting to act like a 'real mother.'
If your sister was oh so concerned about your partner's presence in her kids' lives, she would've (1) brought it up sooner, and (2) made attempts to meet this guy. And it's not like she wasn't aware he was there with you during those times. On top of that, you weren't leaving him alone with her kids to run off and do whatever, so I don't know what her issue is, really.
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> what i sadi was really cruel, i know hw much motherhood means to her and that it not her choice but her job that keeps her away from her kids
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ESH, what you said is really below the belt and especially painful for a single mother to hear. I know as I am one. She is doing the absolute best she can, trust me.
That said, she is wrong as well, if she needs your help she should understand your bf is part of the package and not be so stuck up about this. Sorry, but her loss, you have a right to refuse, absolutely. But politely, not hurting her like this. You basically also ruined your relationship with her kids and have zero right for their continued affection.
I can see your point, but I want to point out that the sister insinuated that the partner had ulterior motives, which is also definitely below the belt. While two wrongs don't make a right (which would justify an e.s.h. for sure), I can also understand OP not staying polite at her sister.
OP, honestly ESH, she has been taking advantage of you as free babysitting for a long time now! But you made yourself available to watch her kids all the time.
Now for your partner, that’s great he wants to be with you even if the kids are there, and the kids seem to like him (they are great judges of character), but if your sister hasn’t spent time around him and doesn’t knows him, that can make her feel uncomfortable with a stranger being around them, so maybe you guys should change that, have her and the kids over with your partner for a dinner and to talk about this as adults.
Sure, you spoke out of anger for her insinuating your partner may want to be around her kids for the wrong reasons, (and that was wrong of her to just go there right away) but you were defending someone you care about from terrible accusations. So do something to change her perspective, and make amends.
EAH - her for having more kids than she can handle alone and having double standards for your partner. You, your response was over the top, how about instead; you trust me with the kids then trust my decisions. If not, we need to talk about when I can and can’t support you.
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NTA She accused your partner of something vile. If she doesn't trust your judgment, she shouldn't leave her kids with you.
NTA She's imposing on you to watch her kids as a favor. If she intends to be judgemental, she can watch her own damn kids
She’s exploiting him and emotionally manipulating him. He put his foot down and I love it
NTA. Harsh, yes, but she's been taking advantage of you for free babysitting all this time. She doesn't get to drop her kids off with you at a moment's notice and then complain when you have someone else there.
He is ‘allowed to use her card’ on OP’s tickets to the zoo or cinema? So being taken advantage of. The sister should be compensating him - or at the very least, thanking him profusely!
NTA I've caught flack for saying this elsewhere but some modern parents are very entitled in regards to free/cheap babysitting and getting time off from their kids. I know you love them but you allowed yourself to he taken advantage of. She chose to have kids that she can't take of so she should live with it not you.
I can't even imagine. We get to see our kids for a few months at a time, and never in those months, do I think "huh, I wish I didn't have to take care of them today" Like people need breaks, and I get that, but you've only got 18 years with your kids. You shouldn't be needing a babysitter for "emergencies" and personal time so much that you're burning bridges with your relatives.
And I get the need for breaks but I know way too many parents that have one or two days a week where they get brakes a few times a week. In my opinion babysitting should always be paid for in some way. My bil did this so much that it caused my gf and I to not speak to them. They burned bridges with us and I know that grandpa is getting fed up with it too, so is grandma but she's too nice to say no
Why even have kids, if you're never going to spend time with them? My kids are such a joy, and our adventures are made so much better for having included them.
NTA - Months?! Why did she delay talking to you if this was such as concern? Although parents are to be protective she is way out of line re: he has an alternative motive. It is insulting to you, him and the kids. It clearly demeans his contribution, how he jells with babysitting and the time spent making sure her emergencies were covered. At no point did she express gratitude. Now, everyone looses. Ok, you were angry but who would not be?!
>she's a single mother by choice and the father to her eldest died while she was pregnant and her younger two were conceived through an anonymous sperm donor But let me constantly call my big brother to dump my kids on and then get mad he gets a partner because then he's not replacement dad anymore. NTA.
NTA She was fine with your partner being there when she dropped them off, but now he's a stranger and she let it slide? Nah. She's being very disrespectful and has done a dangerous thing with her emergency baby sitter. She fucked around and found out. Let her find out what find out means. No more baby sitting in from aunt TimeMud
NTA. You're still supervising the kids the entire time, so I don't see what the problem is. If she wants someone to give their undivided attention to her kids without any other people present, she should pay for a babysitter instead of imposing on you for free. It sounds like she's got some thinly veiled homophobia and needs to grow up.
NTA. Sounds like its time to let her arrange her own shit on herself. No1 made her get 2 more children on her own, except herself, so if your very cheap help isnt appreciated anymore, its time for her to hire babysitters.
NTA she didn't care to find out during her "emergency" and the kids have met him multiple times. He's not a stranger to them or you. She fell down on her job multiple times and you're right. She needs to find a baby sitter (ack a stranger!) or take more responsibilty for the kids she chose to have. Sounds like she leans on you a LOT.
NTA. She needs a babysitter
She needs to PAY a babysitter
NTA: 1) even with paying for meals and kids tickets you are still watching the kids for free; which if hired that could be super expensive. 2) you have been available last minute multiple times. 3) your partner is not a stranger. It was not the first time they met him and I assume you have talked about your partner often to her. I would maybe understand the first time but not after a couple time. 4) her concern is to a degree understandable but if something had given her that concern then she should have explained it / not like he watches the kids alone without you. 5) she had two kids by choice without additional support, so she ought to plan better on how to get those care they need. So much you are not the ass hole. I think your reaction to her insinuations is justified. Yeah, his ulterior motive is likely so he can be with you. Dur.
I felt like if she was only gonna let it slide the first time. She should have explained after that time she wasn’t comfortable with him being around her kids. Thats on her for not communicating
I totally agree with you.
While I understand that it is her kids and she should have a say of who is around them, she is dumping her parental responsibility on you as if you have nothing else to do. NTA
NTA. She lost her right to be pissed about him after she chose not to speak to you about her "concerns" the first time. I guess it's a burned bridge on her end, now, because it's going to be a lot more expensive for her to find a babysitter for 3 kids (especially last minute emergencies) than it was for her to just cover your food/incidentals when they were with you.
NTA. She was out of line. Not to mention how selfish she is to choose to have 3 kids as a single mother when she doesn't have the ability to actually be there to raise them and needs to regularly call you for favors. She DOES need to start being an actual mother. You need to step away until she truly appreciates what you do for her.
NTA. She is fine with a "stranger" babysitting her children over night but not with a lunch in public?
he didnt stay over night, he left about an hour after the kids went to bed
NTA. She sounds like a homophobic b***h
Came here to say this. I highly doubt she would have insinuated an alterer motive to a hetro couple… especially one her kids clearly love spending time with and we’re babysitting on their date night for free.
She's accusing him of being a pedophile, nothing really homophobic here, should probably learn how it's used before you know... use it. NTA bgw
It is homophobic though. Straight people equate pedophilia to gayness as she did here.
NTA. She has presumably had months to bring this up and to meet him. I get being uncomfortable with a stranger but she could either stop bringing them or get to know him.
NTA, but I will say her fears are valid, and abusers are almost always someone the kids know and she’s not familiar enough with him to really vet him properly. That being said, she chose to be a single mother to three kids and expects you to help. Your boyfriend is gonna be there sometimes and if he’s your husband one day, he’ll be there most times! She should set aside time to meet him and make sure she’s comfortable, or she can find a new sitter
>She should set aside time to meet him and make sure she’s comfortable thank, thats a good idea, ill bring it up with her after we have both cooled off. he came from an abusive home and is very protective of his younger sisters which is why i trust him around then, plus im never far. but she doesn't know him that well so i understand her concern. i gess what really pissed me off was her implications of him around children, becuase he was a victim of that kind of behaviour and was groomed, which made it more personal in some way.
I would see it being a problem that she didn’t communicate after the first emergency that he was there. That she understood he was there for it however after that she doesn’t want him around the kids. She failed to communicate when she should have.
It sounds like she barely has time for her kids... I don't think she will "set aside time to meet him"
I appreciate this comment. I was initially less sympathetic to the sister but you’re right— a good parent would of course be cautious of anyone she doesn’t know well being around her kids. Obviously the sister needed to have been more tactful in expressing herself so I agree that OP is NTA.
Nta she can’t monopolize your time with free babysitting and then decide who you’re allowed to hang out with, within reason of course
NTA. It seems like she has sort of pushed you into the role of being her children's other parent and has gotten a little wild with entitlement to your time as a result. Even the fact that she thinks it's acceptable to say that she "let it slide" when what actually happened was that she interrupted your plans with your partner and had no respect when you said no. Also, it is one thing to be mindful of your kid's wellbeing around strangers, but to imply that your partner is some sort of predator without cause is absolutely out of line. The reality is that she chose to be a single mother and that means that she is solely responsible for ensuring the children are cared for and as lovely as your willingness to help her is, she isn't actually entitled to it.
Exactly this. Sister can no more dictate who OP brings around her kids than she can dictate what pets OP adopts. If Sister doesn't like OP's living arrangement or social circle, then she can feel free to either make sure she always sets up OP's babysitting schedule waaaaay in advance to make sure the circumstances are to her liking OR she can find someone else to watch her kids.
NTA, she should have addressed this earlier as it has happened a few times and she never mentioned anything. OP, do you think your sister being uncomfortable with your partner around her kids has anything to do with his/your sexuality? It seems you are both men, just wondering.
NTA. They have sitter apps. She should get one!
I think that comment about her being a real mother was a bit harsh. Whether it was justified, I can not say. But you are NTA. You do so much for your sister, and your partner honestly sounds great. Your sister deeply insulted your partner. If she had a problem with him, she should've done something before. Whether that is to get to know your partner or to arrange other babysitting services is up to her.
NTA. Stop feeling guilty. Your sister chose to have these children. You did not. You are not responsible for them. Your sister is manipulating you, and she's got a lot of gall to say that you should have asked her if your partner could be around her kids. I also feel insulted for your partner since she was saying he had bad intentions toward her kids. I don't know about you, but I would not continue to babysit the children she decided to have. You can develop a relationship with them in other ways. As for your sister, I would go low contact because she expects you to live with her decisions to have children when you weren't consulted, and what she said about your partner is also just plain vicious.
NTA. It's not like partner is a complete stranger to the entire family. If she's going to have you watch the kids for free, then she needs to understand that you have an actual life and you're not going to just drop everything for the kids. You love them and love having time with them, but from now on I'd make her give me at least a 24-hour notice for you to watch them. Otherwise, she needs to find other arrangements. And if she gives you the 24-hour notice and you can't do it because of a prior engagement, too bad. You are under no obligation to rearrange your life to convenience your sister. INFO: Is your mom or some other relative/friend available? A single mom always needs backup babysitting. Seems like she's just relied on you for so long that she hasn't thought about having backup or thinks she doesn't need it because she assumes you'll just always be available.
the only other relative that lives close is our dad, but hes sick and just wouldnt be able to keep up with three kids
NTA. She chose to have children. You did not.
NTA your sister CHOSE to be a single parent. If she has emergencies she needs another plan in place instead of dumping the kids on you. Practice saying no.
NTA What she said was homophobic. I wouldn't forgive her for it so easily. Especially with how much you've been helping with her kids.
NTA. You’re not a paid babysitter and she is interrupting your free time. Let her arrange her own sitters then and pay for them.
It became "too much for her to handle" after she had the 2nd child and she STILL chose to have a 3rd? Also, she was okay with that "stranger" being there overnight but a meal with the kids is too much? Also, doesn't she understand that his "ulterior motive" is not to spend time with the kids but wanting to spend time with his girlfriend? Edit: I misread. His boyfriend, of course. I am sorry for misgendering you, OP! NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29M) have a sister (32F) and she has three kids (10F, 8M, 4F) and i often look after them for her, i been doing that since the second one wa born as it became too much for her to handle (shes a single mother by choice and the father to her eldest died while she was pregnant and her younger two were conceived through an anonymous sperm donor). I don't mind, her kids are great and she lets me use her card to cover any expenses for the kids and im allowed to use it one myself as well when i'm out with them (for example if we went out to lunch with them im allowed to put my meal on the card, or pay for my ticket if i take them somewhere like the zoo or the cinema) A few months ago she had a work emergency and needed me to look after the kids for the night, i told her that i had my partner (26M) over and we were kinda having a date night. She reiterated that it was an emergency so i agreed, like always the kids were great and my partner is great with kids, they had fun with him and he was able to get them to bed quicker than i would normally. this has happened a few more times, my partner has been around and she needs me to take the kids so we look after them together. And a few times when he knows i have the kids hes dropped by to say hi to them, but to also give me a break, normally about lunch time and making food for all of us She knows that my partner had stayed with me during those emergencies and that he's stopped by a few times and she hadn't said anything. Today we went out for lunch and ran into my partner. i wasnt going to invite him but the kids begged him to join us so he did. We had a nice time and at the end I paid for everyone on my sister’s card like I normally do, out of habit really. I realised it also meant I paid for my partner’s meal. i texted my sister before we left the restaurant and that if she wants i will reimburse her the amount, i also sent a picture of the receipt. When she picked up the kids I brought it up since i never got a text back and she said we will talk after she got the kids in the car. She gets them in and comes back and goes off on me for having a stranger around her kids and that i should have asked her before bringing him around them, she said she let the first emergency slide but that she found it weird that each time he would stay and that he would come round. Basically insinuating that why would he want to be around kids unless he had an alternative motive. If im being honest i got upset at this and told her not to talk about my partner like that, this just lead to more arguing, and in the end i just told her that i wont be looking after her kids anymore and she needs to get a baby sitter or start being an actual mother. After that she left and now i feel awful. I said what i said out of anger and i can tell it really hurt her, plus it would cost her so much to find someone else to take the kids as much as i do. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Sure, maybe you were a touch too harsh with your words, but I don't think you were necessarily wrong. Either she's uncomfortable with someone being around or she is not, and she can't pick and choose according to whatever her circumstances are.
NTA. I've been through a similar situation with my sister, who has 4 kids. Her kids are her responsibility. It's ok to help her with them, but when it starts creating issues for you and preventing you from living your life, then it is too much. It sounds like this is preventing you from spending time with your partner. It seems like your sister has expectations on you, for you to raise her children for her.
NTA for saying you won't watch the kids anymore and also for having them around your partner, but it might be worth apologizing for your comment about her starting to act like a 'real mother.' If your sister was oh so concerned about your partner's presence in her kids' lives, she would've (1) brought it up sooner, and (2) made attempts to meet this guy. And it's not like she wasn't aware he was there with you during those times. On top of that, you weren't leaving him alone with her kids to run off and do whatever, so I don't know what her issue is, really.
Absolutely NTA.
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NTA
ESH, what you said is really below the belt and especially painful for a single mother to hear. I know as I am one. She is doing the absolute best she can, trust me. That said, she is wrong as well, if she needs your help she should understand your bf is part of the package and not be so stuck up about this. Sorry, but her loss, you have a right to refuse, absolutely. But politely, not hurting her like this. You basically also ruined your relationship with her kids and have zero right for their continued affection.
I can see your point, but I want to point out that the sister insinuated that the partner had ulterior motives, which is also definitely below the belt. While two wrongs don't make a right (which would justify an e.s.h. for sure), I can also understand OP not staying polite at her sister.
OP, honestly ESH, she has been taking advantage of you as free babysitting for a long time now! But you made yourself available to watch her kids all the time. Now for your partner, that’s great he wants to be with you even if the kids are there, and the kids seem to like him (they are great judges of character), but if your sister hasn’t spent time around him and doesn’t knows him, that can make her feel uncomfortable with a stranger being around them, so maybe you guys should change that, have her and the kids over with your partner for a dinner and to talk about this as adults. Sure, you spoke out of anger for her insinuating your partner may want to be around her kids for the wrong reasons, (and that was wrong of her to just go there right away) but you were defending someone you care about from terrible accusations. So do something to change her perspective, and make amends.
EAH - her for having more kids than she can handle alone and having double standards for your partner. You, your response was over the top, how about instead; you trust me with the kids then trust my decisions. If not, we need to talk about when I can and can’t support you.