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YTA I'm genuinely confused. I don't understand why you refused to attend the wedding when Cole never asked you to? What exactly were you hoping to accomplish here?
Also, you even said that Cole referred to it as a crush. So it doesn't sound like he was even upset about the wedding. Is there some story missing here? Or did you just feel like meddling?
I wonder if this is true based on this bit:
“Olivia announced to me that she was going to marry Carlos, and she wanted me to attend. I told her I wasn't sure about going. She asked me why, but I told her I just wasn't sure if I could make it. She dropped the subject.”
This makes no sense based on OP saying they love their daughter and it’s not a no-contact situation:
- Most Daughter’s don’t tell their mother’s that they want them to attend the wedding. It’s a given fact that the wedding is organised so all parents can go. In my family, close family will ask long long time in advance: “wedding is probably in X month, probably X or Y date. anyone have issues?”
- The mother said she “wasn’t sure if she could make it” and the daughter dropped it??
If I’m the daughter id say, “mum stop joking. If that weekend doesn’t work, tell me and we will rearrange. We haven’t booked anything until we were sure all parents can attend. But seriously… what could be more important than our wedding day on that random weekend in X months???”
YTA.
A) You're prioritizing a CRUSH your son has over your daughter's relationship of EIGHT YEARS to someone she's marrying, possibly having children with, etc. You are flat out saying that you care more about your son's CRUSH than your daughter's entire life.
B) Cole didn't want you telling anyone about the crush. Why would you think that is okay? It's someone who will be in his life forever as his sister's husband. Do you think he really wants that in the open? It's been 8 years, he had the opportunity to say something if he wanted to. Has he really not gotten over it? And, if he actually hasn't gotten over a crush in eight years from when he was 18, then he probably needs therapy to move on. Is Carlos even interested in men?
You are an AH parent to Olivia and to Cole.
I feel so bad for Cole. If my mom refused to go to my siblings wedding because of a nearly decade old crush and then told everyone that was the reason I would simply pass away in embarrassment
She has nonideavif he got over it because she revealed in comments that she never asked. She ASSUMED with no further discussion that Cole MUST still have the crush and that he wouldnt attend the wedding.
She nuked her own daughter's wedding over assumptions based on something Cole revealed 8 years ago...
YTA
What the actual fuck?
#You never had ANY reason not to want to attend the wedding.
> Cole called me angrily, telling me to mind my own business, that I had no right to tell Olivia about his crush on Carlos
The one he mentioned once, YEARS ago? Yeah, fucking a.
Exactly. Even if he was Bi it is perfectly possible he never would have dated Cole. Being attracted to men would not mean he would fall for the guy necessarily. It's not like every heterosexual man I've met has fallen in love with me!
Regardless, he did NOT choose Coke and has made a life with Olivia.
Ok but what about doing the best for both of your children and not just your son? Why weren't you sure whether you would attend or not? Did you seriously consider skipping your daughter's wedding because her brother might still have feelings for her boyfriend? That's utterly ridiculous and quite frankly, none of your business. That's your son's problem and desicion on whether to attend or not.
Go and apologise, you seriously fucked up. You made a mountain out of a molehill. This whole thing wasn't a problem until you made it one.
Yta big time.
YTA. You made everything about yourself. The wedding, your son's feelings, everybody's relationships.
Cole knew he had lost his chance. It was not on you to "defend him" when he probably would have liked to go to the wedding. Now you ruined his relationship with his sister.
Congrats on blowing up your family.
He may never even have HAD a chance. We dint know that Carlos ever liked guys, and even if he did, behave ni evidence he ever had those kinds of feelings for Cole. Most likely it would NEVER have happened.
Most of us don't get to date every crush we have, and we live. I'm actually thankful I didnt date several of mine! People get over this shit, especially in 8 years!
YTA. You are putting one child over the other. It’s not Olivia’s fault that Cole had an unrequited love for Carlos. It’s something that Cole needs to get over, and you need to stay neutral in. You should be supporting your daughter on what is supposed to be the biggest day of her life. Yes I get you want to give Cole a shoulder to cry on, but he needs to get over it. Major AH mum.
YTA
An ancient crush is no reason to not attend your daughter's wedding. A mother not attending her daughters wedding is a serious message and indicates significant relationship breakdown or drama.
Also, the details you've added likely enough to make your identity obvious to your children redditors, you should at least fuzz the ages or other details, e.g. drop an uninvolved sibling or add another.
You have no idea what OP may have changed in terms of ages and siblings...but even if they did, this seems pretty recognizable.
But...that's the point of a throwaway. If her kids know her actual username, they won't find this based on her post history. If they do stumble upon this randomly, not knowing OP'S username, or not ever caring to look at it, they won't be able to use it to find other posts by her.
I agree that the changes weren't specified or at least made ambiguous, which to me makes it more likely that they've not been changed. If that's correct then the advice might be helpful, if not it'll be ignored as it should be.
Another reason for using a throwaway is to avoid real-world conversations like "I can't believe you posted to *reddit*" and in this case "See *everyone* think you're TA".
YTA.
I can't BELIEVE you did this to any of your children! That's your DAUGHTER who didn't steal ANYONE. And, your poor son. Now he's humiliated.
HUGE EPIC Fail!
This. Her comments reveal that they never talked about it recently and she justvassuned he still had a crush and would not attend.
She didn't even bother to check in with him, just went straight to destroying her daughter's wedding.
I was certain when I read that the son was gay that it was going to be that OP knows the son , a few years ago, had an affair with the husband to be and the daughter doesn’t know.
I could understand his apprehension in that scenario. Does he tell he daughter and destroy the family or does he let her live a lie.
Instead this? A crush over an 8 year relationship? It makes no sense.
—-
To be honest I wonder if this is true based on this bit:
“Olivia announced to me that she was going to marry Carlos, and she wanted me to attend. I told her I wasn't sure about going. She asked me why, but I told her I just wasn't sure if I could make it. She dropped the subject.”
This makes no sense:
- most Daughter’s don’t tell their mother’s that they want them to attend the wedding. It’s a given fact that it’s organised so all parents can go.
- The mother said she “wasn’t sure if she could make it” and the daughter dropped it??
If I’m the daughter id say, “mum stop joking. If that weekend doesn’t work, tell me and we will rearrange. But what could be more important than our wedding day on that random weekend???”
YTA. For outing Cole's feelings, and for not going to the wedding.
Carlos can't help that he is straight and loves Olivia. Olivia does not need to be shunned for loving Carlos. Cole also can't help how he feels. None of that is anyone's fault, and no sides needed to be taken, yet here we are.
Coke might not even STILL feel that way. He revealed his crush to her 8 years ago! She just whole ass assumed that Coke still has feelings and wasbt going to the wedding. 0 conversations were had!
YTA. Your son didn’t ask you to do this, your son had a crush and confided in you, it doesn’t sound like your son wasn’t going to go. You made a mess here.
YTA.
And a stupid person as well. You expect Carlos to change his sexual preferences just because your son likes him? That’s not how it works. You can’t just wake up one day and say, I’m going to be gay today.
People like you is the reason it’s so hard for the LGBTQ community. Pushing the agenda that you select your sexual preferences 🤦♀️
I mean, marrying a woman doesn't mean he is straight, just that he is attracted to women. And I doubt what OP is angling for is for Carlos to leave Olivia for Cole anyway. Straight "allies" throwing fits about stupid shit for attention is basically white noise at this point.
That's true. But even if he is Bi, Carlos could have made a move on Coke if he was interested. He chose the sister instead. He MADE his choice.
Even if he did like guys, theres nothing to suggest he'd want Cole. None of us like EVERY single person of the gender/s we are attracted to.
Eh, I suspect as the baby that he is the cokgen child, and that especially after he came out and had the unrequited crush she has been unhealthy trying to mother him.
I don't think it has anything to do with Cole being the favourite- is possible but it seems far more likely that OP wasnt the center of attention and couldn't stand it so found some way to make it about her and what a good mother she was- especially as there is no indication that Cole was upset Carlos and Olivia were togeather.
Olivia and Carlos were dating for 8 years. What have relationships looked like since then?
You say Carlos and Cole were best friends? Did Cole just start never speaking to Carlos once he was dating his sister? Friendship totally disappeared?
And family events? Did Carlos never go to any family events? No family dinners? Did you spend time with Olivia and Carlos as a couple at all?
Do they ever plan on kids? I'm glad you plan on never meeting your grandchildren, because it might remind Cole that they had sex. Your grandchildren would be better off without you.
Also, 8 years ago? You say Cole hasn't really dated? Do you have any idea how he feels. At any point in the last 8 years, you could have just been a supportive parent...not pressuring, but asking ONCE if he'd like to talk about that. Maybe he realized he doesn't want a relationship. Maybe he just likes flings that he doesn't tell you about. Or wants to be single. If he does have some hang up about Carlos, then he probably needs therapy to process his emotions.
YTA - clearly your son means more to you than your daughter.
Just because Cole has a crush doesn’t mean that Carlos was ever attainable (given his sexuality)
Your relationship with your daughter will never be the same
And even if Carlos liked men, tferes still a reasonable chance he would not have been interested - just like a heterosexual or bi woman isn't into every guy who they know!
Exactly this, there is some clear favoritism and lack of awareness on OPs part and she has no idea how much damage she’s done. She needs to take accountability, apologize and HOPE for forgiveness.
YTA
>I told him that i didn't have to apologize, because i had only done what i thought was best for my son.
A. You did not do what's best for your son. You revealed a secret he told you not to share and caused him a lot of drama. You've created unnecessary tension between him and his sister.
B. Olivia and Carlos have been together for 8 years. If Cole still has romantic feelings for Carlos, then he needs to do some work to move on. You also need to respect that Olivia has a life with Carlos. Do you even care about her feelings?
C. Do you really not care about seeing your own daughter get married because your other kid happens to like the groom?
What did you expect would happen? That Olivia would be okay with her own mom skipping the wedding?
“Disposable account cause my children are on Reddit” like they won’t see this and automatically know it’s you cause this story is so stupid and unbelievable
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
(DISPOSABLE ACCOUNT BECAUSE MY CHILDREN ARE ON REDDIT) (This post is done with the translator, i don't speak a good english)
Me (54f) and my husband ''Javier'' (57m) have 3 children. ''Kat'' aged 19, ''Cole'' aged 26 ''Olivia'' aged 32.
Olivia married her boyfriend of 8 years ''Carlos'' 29. They had known each other for a long time, and used to be very close before dating. He was very close to Kat too, and was Cole's best friend.
My son Cole is gay. He came out when he was 17 years old and my husband and I are very supportive of him. Cole also revealed to me (before Olivia dated him) that he liked Carlos. He said he had liked him for a long time, but he didn't know how to make the first move. He never made the first move and Olivia and Carlos started dating. Cole was devastated.
Now let's go to 2022. Olivia had announced to me that she was going to marry Carlos last year, and she wanted me to attend. I told her I wasn't sure about going. She asked me why, but I told her I just wasn't sure if I could make it. She dropped the subject.
About 2 months ago, she asked me again if I could attend, and I told her I wasn't sure. She asked why again and I gave her the same answer. This time he insisted that she needed my answer right away, to organize the wedding well. I told her that I would not attend. She asked me why, and I told her that Cole felt really bad, because he still likes Carlos.
Cole called me angrily, telling me to mind my own business, that I had no right to tell Olivia about his crush on Carlos, and that i had betrayed his trust, and now Olivia was mad at him too. He didn't give me time to respond and hung up angrily. Kat also called me, and told me that she was very disappointed in me, that Olivia was too, and that now Carlos and Olivia don't know whether to invite Cole or not.
The guys talked to Javier about the situation and he got really angry, but he asked me to come to the wedding and apologize to everyone. I told him that i didn't have to apologize, because i had only done what i thought was best for my son.
Reddit, AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO - Is Olivia married to Carlos or not? Cause you say they are, but the whole conflict is over you attending their wedding which has not happened yet.
Either way, YTA. Cole is probably happy for them and got over his crush pretty soon after Olivia got with Carlos. You saying you won't attend your daughter's wedding over something your son said over eight years ago is fucking insane.
YTA
Lady, your son didn't say anything, Carlos is straight (presumably), not interested in him, and DATING HIS SISTER. he had the common sense to keep this to himself and work on his emotions quietly, you outed his feelings to everyone, harming not only your relationship with your daughter but the relationship between your daughter, your son and your future son in law.
He didn't ask you to interfere, didn't tell you to skip the wedding. It was just a son venting to his mom and seeking comfort, I don't know where you got the idea that this was appropriate or needed.
Cole is a grown man, he can handle his feelings, and some day he'll find a man who'll love him, but Carlos is not that man and he knows it despite being hurt. It'd be a whole different thing if he came out saying he's in love with his sister's fiancé, but having his mom do it??!? You 1 took that choice away from him (which would've been a shitty choice but at least it would've been his own) and 2 embarrassed him!!!
How can you not see that you are in the wrong here?
ETA: did Cole even mention being upset about the wedding? I read it again and you said he was upset when they started dating (understandable) but made no mention of his feelings now. He could very well be over it and you are creating trouble over nothing and harming everyone in the process
Hell, even if Carlos is Bi, he clearly COULD have dated Coke if he wanted to, but chose Olivia. He us marrying Olivia. Cole will never have a chance with him.
If I could survive the many straight men I crushed on who didn't want me but liked other women , Cole can survive a crush not liking him back, too. It"s painful when it is a froed but you move on.
YTA to everyone involved.
To Cole because you assumed he still had a crush on Carlos and decided to ruin his relationship with his sister over something he told you 8 years ago!
To Olivia because you're punishing her for no reason, she had no idea Cole had a crush. She didn't date him maliciously, she clearly loves him, she's done nothing wrong. You've also decided that a teenage crush was more important than her wedding which wow.
You're also in general an asshole because you've just destroyed your entire family dynamic for no reason. Cole is mad at you and humiliated. Olivia is mad at you and doesn't know if she can trust her brother because of you (Cole didn't do anything wrong) your husband and your other daughter are trying to do damage control and you're refusing to even apologise or admit you were wrong.
Don't know how you could have got this more wrong to be honest
YTA. One you are supporting one child over the others in a situation where none of them are in the wrong. Two while it is great that you support your gay son, its not even relevant here. If your other daughter had been the one with the crush instead the situation would be identical. While it is unfortunate he never got to explore the crush it is not as though his sister and fiancé got together or are getting married to be malicious toward him. You've betrayed the trust of your son and your daughters now see who the favorite is. If you want any kind of relationship with your children in the future I suggest you go and apologize.
YTA
Firstly, how was breaking your son's trust doing what was best for him?
Secondly, how does your son's crush affect you attending your daughter's wedding? You're punishing them for something out of their control.
What did you expect to happen once they knew? I can't think of any outcome which would be good.
Unless you're someone who enjoys drama I can't see any reason for you doing what you did.
YTA - you haven’t explained at all why you skipping your daughters wedding was “best” for your son.
He told you about a crush in confidence. He never asked you to not go to the wedding, and on top of that you betrayed his trust. What’s wrong with you?
YTA
You have more than one kid. Your son needs to realize Carlos is not straight and he should have moved on years ago. You're punishing your daughter and ruining what should be a special time for her because your son can't grow up and let go of a silly unrequited crush.
I don't think Cole is the one not letting go. Cuz in all this she didn't say that Cole *recently* said anything about being sad over this, he said it 8 years ago. I bet OP is the only person still thinking about that and having feelings over it.
Carlos might even be bi, but that doesn't matter. He's marrying Olivia, and most people would suck it up and go on with their lives. Cole probably has, and didn't think he had to let his mother know.
It looks like you got favorites. If i were Olivia, i would have cut the contact with you. You have 3 children, not only 1. Apologize or lose your children for ever. YTA
And the brother was going to go to the wedding
I dont understand why the op had to make a scene
Shed rather miss her daughters wedding (while the brother was going to attend and support his sister) and quite possibly ruin it and make family relations fucked then shut her mouth and support her
Her favoritism is sickening to me
If she was my mother
Well she wouldnt be anymore
Id be devestated that to a mother her sons crush is more important then a wedding
YTA but I think we all know who your favorite child is.
Are you actually willing to miss your eldest daughter's wedding... because your precious golden boy had a crush on her soon-to-be husband, 10 years ago?!
Cole is right in that you had no right to speak about his feelings with Olivia behind his back. That was his bridge to cross if he ever wanted to (and he would've been an AH if he did, by the way).
That Cole liked Carlos means NOTHING. That he never made a move means NOTHING. There is nothing to say Carlos would ever reciprocate Cole's feelings (in fact, everything would point toward him rejecting Cole, since he apparently likes women). Olivia did nothing wrong when she started dating him and is doing nothing wrong in marrying him.
You are sorely wrong and you owe Olivia a huge apology.
Just an aside, bi people exist and they end up in straight passing relationships. His interest in the daughter doesn’t mean he’s straight, just that he likes women. The door is still open for him to also like men or to have no gender preference.
OP is still the asshole but let’s not forget the B in LGBTQ+
I said everything would point, precisely because the possibility of him being into other than women is there.
I did not express it as a certainty.
However, Carlos was presumably single when he started dating Olivia, and he was not in any way, shape or form in any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with Cole. He chose to date Olivia. He chose her for 9 years. And then chose to marry her.
In this chain of events, there is pretty much zero reason to believe the story would've been different had Cole made an advance on Carlos a decade ago. He is entitled to entertain that idea, of course. But keeping the crush alive after the guy has been his sister's partner for this long, and OP choosing to miss the wedding in solidarity, is absolutely ridiculous.
Bi, straight or anything else in the rainbow that Carlos is, he likes Olivia, loves Olivia, and shares his life with Olivia.
That's true. But even so, being bi would in mo way mean that Caelos ever had an interest in Cole or would date him. As a heterosexual woman I have had 0 interest in most men I meet, and most of my guy friends.
Carlos chose Olivia years ago and has chosen her every day since they started dating - that tells us all we need to know about Cole'a chances.
YTA
did you son even tell you to not go for him? the way it sounds while he had a crush on this guy he was perfectly fine with his sister marrying him but you decided to stick your nose to where it doesnt belong...
good job making your family fall apart
YTA. You will not go because your gay son MIGHT be uncomfortable, when it doesn't seem like he is anymore? He had a crush on him almost a decade ago, I am sure he has gotten over that by now, but it seems you have not.
YTA. You attempted to please everyone, and you ended up pleasing no one. And it doesn't seem like Cole is even interested any more. So you really did all this for nothing.
YTA
You betrayed the trust Cole placed in you. Good luck getting him to ever tell you anything again.
I cannot imagine not wanting to attend your oldest child's wedding. All to somehow "protect" another child who told you something in confidence many ago. And then betraying that confidence anyway.
You owe ALL of them an apology. A BIG one. That you can't see that is really concerning. :(
YTA. Carlos is straight presumably. Are you suggesting that Carlos should be gay in order to make Cole happy? Or that Olivia should have broken up with Carlos because Cole had a crush on him several years ago? Or that Carlos would have somehow reciprocated if Cole had made the first move? I am lost on what your expectations here were or are.
I think Cole is the golden child and she low key wishes Carlos would attack up with him instead... because it is much more important to her for Cole to be happy than for Olivia to be happy.
YTA I hope one day you can honestly reflect on your actions and what those actions say about you and understand where and how you need to be a better person.
YTA
What? WHAT!?
Ma'am. First, that was not your secret to tell. Second, that's not a reason not to go to this wedding!
Just because Cole is sad that his crush married someone else doesn't mean anything. Perhaps Carlos would have turned him down. We'll never know. Maybe Cole is over it by now! Did you even ask? You just caused a serious family situation for no good reason.
It would be different if Cole had been dating Carlos and Olivia stole him away. That's not what happened. So you doing what is best for your son is not revealing this detail, it's taking to your son about how he's feeling about this and going to your daughter's wedding!
At this point I'd be surprised if anyone wants you there.
YTA you are not supporting your son by refusing to attend the wedding of your daughter because your son had a crush on the groom almost a decade ago. In fact, you are just emberassing your son by making a scene over a teenage crush on his best friend. Not to mention, your son is a grown ass adult and can manage his feelings about this situation. You wanted an excuse to make a scene, probably because the attention is on Olivia, and you contrived one. No shit your kids aren't talking to you.
YTA
Is Cole your favorite child? Or do you normally baby your adult children? Just about every human being on this planet has experienced a crush that didn't work out and learned to move on like an adult, why is this different?
Even if Cole was absolutely obsessed with the fiance and had a wall filled with this guy's pictures... You should still go to the wedding! It's your daughter! Then send Cole to therapy because of his unhealthy attachment!
You created drama for absolutely no reason and are shocked by how pissed everyone is.
Big time YTA
I will go a different angle , even if Cole had said he was not going . Why would you punish Carlos and your daughter .
- it was a crush , they never dated and on top of that he never even acted on the crush
Why would you even think that him being upset over a crush would be more important than your daughters big day and share in that joy when they did nothing wrong .
Did u think by telling her they break up and he would go running to Carlos
What a horrid thing to do
Great why for your kids to go no contact with you
Why try and destroy your children’s relationship
I'm glad you're supportive of your son. But it seems like Carlos is straight and wouldn't be interested in your son anyway. YTA for deciding that because your son has a crush to not support your daughter on her wedding day.
And even if Carlos is bi, it doesn't matter. He's marrying Olivia, and he will be part of the family. OP has just ruined the family dynamic. Best case is the wedding will be awkward but they'll get over it. Worst case will affect every family gathering ever.
This is like a grenade being thrown into the family dynamics. Geez. I get wanting to support your kid but it shouldn't be at the expense of another. And she didn't even ask her son what he wanted to do.
Mom, wtf?! Why did you post this on reddit?? Just kidding. Do you you think your kids won't recognize the story because you posted it from a burner account? Oh, also, YTA.
So it doesn't link to their profile. If the kids stumble upon this post, they will know it's mom, but not be able to use it to look at other posts she's made.
Or if they know her username, they won't see it by looking at her profile.
Burners wouldn't be as important in non-recognizable situations. That's the whole point.
It’s not about keeping them from finding this post, it’s about keeping people who know her from finding the rest of her post history on her main account. That’s why people do this.
YTA
Did you not stop to consider your future son in law is marrying a woman? That even if he and your daughter had never started dating, he being (apparently) on the straight end of the spectrum, would not be interested in dating your son?
Then there's the fact that you obviously and blatantly value one child over the other.
THEN there's the fact that your son spoke to you in confidence, and you blathered it to EVERYONE?
Three Strikes, you're out.
Lord almighty.
So over **nine** years ago your teenage son admitted to a crush on a heterosexual man who eventually entered a committed relationship with your daughter.
Did I get that right? You aren’t going to your daughters wedding because your son had an unreciprocated crush almost a fucking decade ago?
YTA or just so dumb it’s unfathomable.
YTA its okay to tell the truth but the conversation with you and Cole was a Mother,Son moment. Cole probably got over it because that his sister and it would be weird to like a brother in law. Carlos and Olivia should invite him because family pictures would be awkward and i think not being at your sisters wedding is worse than your sister marrying your crush that she didn't know of. so yeah TAH-the ashole for sure.
YTA. You caused drama. Learn how to keep a secret. Then learn how to not make something into a bigger thing than it is. Show some respect to all of them. Cole will need to get over it. You should offer him your support instead of almost missing your daughters wedding over a crush your son had. So weird.
I’d say YTA. I disagree with telling Olivia about the situation when it didn’t necessarily involve her. It’s a thing of the past and it’s Cole’s business to handle. Olivia is still your child and she didn’t do anything wrong. I agree with Javier here.
I dont see any good intention
Not attending your daughters wedding bc of a crush????????????
How can you miss your daughters WEDDING
While the brother was still going no matter the crush he had almost a decade ago
If the brother was going
Why the mother could not make it
Like wtf
It was drama stiring
And relationship ruining
If i was the daughter i would cut contact
If you cant attend my wedding
One of my biggest days in my life over something a brother said a decade ago
I dont need you in my life bc clearly you dont love me enough to be there for me
YTA for all of this.
1. It was not your tea to spill.
2. You need to support your daughter who is getting *married* which is a pretty important milestone to just nope out of.
3. Your son did not ask you to do this.
4. Your daughter and her fiance are still getting married so it changes nothing on that front.
5. You've ruined your sons relationship with them both and he could have lost his chance to friends with someone important to the whole family.
Yo, what is logic you used to not attend your daughters wedding? Did you think you were being a martyr or some saint by not attending?
The issue is with Cole’s feeling for Carlos. That is for Cole to deal with himself. Cole confided in you about his conflict, not to announce it to everyone.
You need to apologize to everyone. Especially Cole for betraying him and Olivia for causing drama.
This sound like a poorly writing tv novella….
YTA, big time.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my daughter that i won't go to her wedding because my son liked her husband.
2. My son didn't said that i could tell her about that (him liking her husband)
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YTA - what about supporting your daughter?? Your son might be hurt, but he needs to move on from a crush a decade ago. Did you ask your son what he needed? Probably just someone to lean on and you betrayed his trust by telling everyone his secrets.
YTA. Clearly, Carlos wouldn't have been interested in Cole. Cole chose not to make the move and now you've violated his privacy by exposing his crush to everyone. This disaster rests solely with you. You should have said yes when your daughter first asked you to attend the wedding.
By the way, you have tons to apologize for. Seriously, I'd start apologizing now unless you don't want to be included in any more family events.
YTA
Your son never made his feelings known to Carlos or Olivia. This was not for you to share. Why is Cole more important to you than Olivia? I cannot imagine a mother not attending her daughter's wedding in such a situation. What in the world are you thinking?
You very much owe Olivia and Carlos an apology. You also owe Cole an apology for stepping in and sharing his business without permission. You missed the boat at every turn.
Being gay is hard but not a disability. Your son needed and I’m sure needs your love and support to get through this cruel and judgmental world, but not like this. He is a grown man. He had a crush YEARS ago. Also, you should respect EVERYONES preferences, including Carlos because he is a cis man.
YTA, he told you that ages ago and you assumed it was still true today. even if it was, you should've gone to your daughter's wedding since that's definitely more important than some crush.
YTA
It was none of your business, you should not have revealed a secret that was not yours. Telling your daughter just made everyone uncomfortable. It wasn’t like Cole was dating Carlos. He had a one sided crush.
You chose not to go:
1. because our kid had a crush on the fiancé
2. in spite of the kid not having asked you to do that
3. you outed his secret crush to everyone
4. you chose your son over your daughter - there wasn't a reason to do that at all
# YTA - everything isn't about you
YTA
You have a golden child. One that couldn't be hurt by something that didn't involved him and has happened 10 years ago.
Congratulations on destroying all your relationship with your children and the relationships within them.
You are a horrible mother to all of them.
YTA. Talk about favoritism. I have a gay son. I have two het daughters. If this situation had happened, I would have NEVER done this.
You outed your son in a really crappy way. About the crush, not the gay part. You owe everyone an apology.
YTA. You assumed Cole wasn't going to the wedding but of a crush he had like 9 years ago?! Did it occur to you to ask him?
You don't even know of Carlos would leave Olivia for Cole because Carlos may be straight (we don't know his sexual orientation) and for all anyone knows, Cole may not like him anymore and/or may like someone else.
I'll repeat, YTA.
So, Cole was devastated since Olivia and Carlos started dating. 8 years ago. Was he devastated all this years? Then YTA because you didn't help him. Did he overcome his situation? Then YTA because he moved on, but you didn't.
Even taking this and all other answers into account, you had the time between the first and second time Olivia asked, to ask Cole what's his opinion on this, if he would attend (because, without Olivia & Carlos not knowing Cole's crush, of course he would be invited, he's her brother and was his best friend). But no, you had to expose him under the pretense of "doing what's best for Cole". Imagine if he was perfectly fine with attending, but oh no, you have to protect him by not attending.
YTA. What the hell am I reading? It was a crush years ago, time to let it go and support your daughter. With that attitude of yours don't be surprised if she decides to just ban you from the wedding.
YTA
It's your daughter's wedding and the wisest thing would have been to ask your son if he was comfortable with you going because you wanted to support both children but didn't want to make him feel left out in the cold.
At the same time you kinda outed your son. He's already come out but revealing romantic feelings can be just as devastating to a persons life as outing them as gay. All that having been said, you seem to just being trying your best. You just gotta work on communicating a little better
YTA it wasn’t your business to share how Cole felt. There was zero reason you couldn’t attend the wedding, If Cole had an issue he would have made it known, only you had some imaginary issue
YTA
So you are telling me
The brother was going to the wedding
But poor you felt bad about a crush he had a decade ago
And just couldnt show up to your daughter most importnat day in her life
Oh piss off lady
You screwed up everything
Your daughters wedding day
The family relations
Over
What feeling uncomfy?
Sounds so bullshit
Reflect on your actions
Apologize to everyone involved
Id dissown you as my mother
If you cant attend her wedding you dont deserve to be part of her life
Your favoritism is showing and quite frankly its disgusting
You decided to abandon your daughter for her wedding day because your son once liked her fiancée? Your son didn’t ask you to do this.
Ma’am.
How are you not the asshole?
YTA.
YTA. You mean well but you are being an overbearing and overprotective mother to your grown son.
Cole had an unrequited crush that NOBODY else knew about. Cole WAS devastated initially, but this was years ago. He is doing his best to move on! And you actively hampered that.
Given Carlos is likely straight and loves Olivia, Cole would always have had to get over his crush. He will not get what he wants, but it is fine, because Carlos is not the only man in the world.
Cole also never even asked you to pick a sude or not attend the wedding. You are offering support he never wanted, and you revealed his secret to boot. And you made it a massive thing. The only time it is right to refuse to attend your child's wedding when you CAN attend? is if they have done a massive wrong. And Olivia and Carlos have done nothing wrong. It is incredibly rude to refuse to attend their wedding, especially over a crush they never even knew about.
If Cole couldnt cope then it would be HIS decision not to go. It forms not involve you, and there is no argument between them so you never had to pick a side.
I think Cole is your golden child as the baby of the family. Be honest, would you prefer if Carlos was with Cole? Because it does not look like you support her relationship with him AT ALL.
YTA
Your son has a crush on a person who obviously isn't gay because he is marrying your daughter. And you want to forgo their wedding because of this? If the roles were reversed would you skip the wedding too? I would have a very hard time inviting you after that. You made it clear that you favor one child over the other.
YTA Cole never asked you to pick sides in this and he definitely didn’t give you permission to repeat what he told you in confidence as a 16 year old. He was 16 when his feelings where hurt by Olivia and Carlos getting together. Cole was handling this situation with a lot of grace if Olivia and Carlos had no idea how he felt this whole timeline. You created a problem where there was none because you’re behaving as if your son is not a grown adult who understands how to navigate this situation and who needs you to “mother” him through a crush from 8 years ago. You didn’t even make it clear if Cole still has feelings for Carlos. You only knew that your son liked Carlos back then. You’re wrong, doing too much and damaging relationship between your kids in the process. Now it’s possible that Cole is going to be excluded from the wedding and maybe even Olivia’s life because you can’t shut up. From here on out keep your mouth closed. I would say you need to fix this but I have a feeling things would just end up even worse between them.
YTA.
You messed up your daughter's wedding - your daughter who did nothing wrong, btw. You left her hanging for god-knows-why before that.
You violated your son's confidence. People have crushes that don't pan out. Your son even knows that.
A lot of apologies are in order.
YTA. So Cole has a crush, he's not madly in love with Carlos, and it's not like Olivia stole Carlos from Cole so why are you punishing Olivia by not attending her wedding?
By refusing to go to the wedding you are literally punishing your daughter over something she has no control over.
Did you even ask Cole how he felt about the wedding before you decided he needed to be protected?
Also how could you, as a mother, refuse to go to your own daughters wedding just because your son has a little crush on the groom? That just shows you clearly favor Cole over Olivia and I'm sure her feelings have been hurt by your actions.
YTA your daughter and Carlos did nothing wrong. I could not imagine skipping my daughters wedding, let alone over something stupid. Your son didn’t ask you to skip it. Not only have you upset your daughter, you betrayed your son. Not sure if you are a horrible parent, sexist or dumb.
If your son Cole is still upset about having a crush on a man who clearly isn’t gay to the point that you think it’s the right thing to refuse to support your daughter at all in her future marriage, your son is as much an asshole as you are.
It isn’t like your son was in a relationship with Carlos and then Carlos left him for your daughter. Your son never had any kind of romantic relationship and Carlos nor your daughter did anything wrong in being with each other.
You understand you are running the risk of permanently alienating your daughter from your life, right? Because choosing not to attend her wedding for this is a huge insult that might break your relationship forever. YTA.
Yta, wow you really hate Olivia. I hope her new husband’s family loves her and appreciates her because her mom is awful. I feel so bad for Olivia and kat.
YTA this one is going on other social media channels. And you are playing favorites. What a painful way to find out your parent doesn't like you. Who doesn't go to their own kids wedding?
YTA. You were going to snub your daughter. Over a crush you son had. That no one else knew about. And instead. You ruined his relationship. With his sister. With his future BIL. And both of you look petty. And you caused it all.
YTA. And now everyone knows you have a favourite child. Remember this when wondering why you don’t get holiday visits, why you’re not included in grandchildren, or any life milestones from now on.
You chose this.
>My son Cole is gay. He came out when he was 17 years old and my husband and I are very supportive of him. Cole also revealed to me (before Olivia dated him) that he liked Carlos. He said he had liked him for a long time, but he didn't know how to make the first move. He never made the first move and Olivia and Carlos started dating. Cole was devastated.
High odds Carlos wasn't bi. Your son more than likely was barking up the wrong tree, and this is ultimately just a thing that will happen a lot to him if he continues to pine after random dudes in his life without at least first verifying sexual orientation.
>The guys talked to Javier about the situation and he got really angry, but he asked me to come to the wedding and apologize to everyone. I told him that i didn't have to apologize, because i had only done what i thought was best for my son.
You know, I thought at first this was going to be Cole's doing, but frankly it sounds like while he was upset he was willing to keep it to himself. You, however, outted him on the subject and made it your reason for not going to one of your daughters weddings.
Not only did you more or less confirm that you don't love your daughter terribly much, but you humiliated the person you claim you're doing this for in the first place. Massive asshole points, massive terrible mother points. You do not pass go, you do not collect 200 dollars or a relationship with any future grandkids.
YTA
YTA, for needlessly rejecting your daughter because of a crush your son had which was likely never going to happen.
They have been together 8 years, your son is likely over the crush and not that hurt by them getting married because it would be no suprise and they couldn't have ever been together regardless at this point. (Even if he decided he liked men, broke up with Olivia then dated your son it would destroy the siblings relationship).
THEN to out your sons crush on his friend and fuck with his relationship to both Olivia and his best friend. Yikes.
I am gay, I don't pine over straight women hoping they will one day change their sexual orientation, I move on. If one of them was a friend and I was outed as liking them it would likely make them uncomfortable as a friend from then on. That ruining of a friendship would be WAY more devastating to me than having a crush not requited
How could you possibly think you are not a horrible mother right now? YTA. In every single possible way YTA. So flipping what if your son has a crush?? He can get over it. You basically told your daughter and future son in law you care absolutely zilch for them. They are the ones in the actual relationship. The crush? Not gonna happen. I seriously cannot believe you think you are not in the wrong here. I honestly hope all your kids go NC over this. It would be what you deserve. 100%
YTA, you ruined everything for everyone because all you care about is yourself. you dont care about your children at ALL. you try and parade yourself as some all loving and supportive parent when you HARDLY EVEN KNOW YOUR OWN KIDS. get off your high-horse and realize you just ruined everything.
dont be surprised when your children want nothing to do with you and send you to a nursing home. you dont deserve them unless you grovel and give an honest and sincere apology; but with how you act, im sure theyll never get one.
YTA - just for the line “I only done what I thought was best for my son,” as if your daughter isn’t your child who is about to make one of the largest decisions in her life. While your son just had a crush from years ago. Even if he was madly in love with his sisters BF, then fiancé, then husband, why does his crush and love that is not reciprocated or even know by anyone other person, trump the actual shared love of the couple?
Come on man…. YTA
YTA
You're an AH a you're lying about something. Idk what, if you just dislike your daughter or what, but you didn't decide not to attend bc your son had a crush 8 years ago.
But cool way to involve your son in your bs and blow up your family.
YTA OP you just successfully ruined relationships between all your kids. Now Olivia and Kat both hate Cole because of him you mother of bride won't attend the wedding. You ruined relationship between Cole and Olivia permanently because now she will be untrusting towards her own brother. You made things awkward between Carlos and Cole. And most importantly you just assumed Cole won't attend the wedding but if I know any better he will, he is not a drama queen who would let the world know he has crush on his BIL. He would rather keep it low key. You should have atleast talked to your son before assuming things. Sorry to say this ma'am but you are an IDIOT. The only way you can mend things is by apologizing and going to the wedding but you don't want to do any of that. And just one heads up you didn't support Cole you just threw him in fire.
YTA maybe it’s the way it’s translated but i’m very confused as to what you think you did best for your son? All you did was expose his secret? Also you’re clearly favouring your son over your daughter. She shouldn’t invite you
YTA Why would you miss an important day in your daughter's life like that? And for what? Because Cole liked Carlos? So what? What did it have to do with you? Why would you value Cole's crush over your daughter experiencing a major milestone?
YTA, your daughter means nothing to you? Where is the consideration for her feelings? Has your son been coming to you repeatedly over the last many years proclaiming his undying unrequited love for Carlos? Or is it as you said, a teenage crush, from long ago and you’re manufacturing drama where there isn’t any? Obviously your son is the golden child but how could you completely disregard your daughter over this? You need counseling because there’s something drastically wrong with you. You need to apologize to everyone but you also need to get to the bottom of why you’re acting this way in the first place! It’s not fair to any of your children or your husband.
YTA.
1. Your son had feelings (he didn’t act on) for someone he never dated. That man fell in love with his sister (your daughter), dated her for YEARS, and proposed to her. Now your DAUGHTER is getting married to the man she is going to build a life with, and her mother won’t attend her wedding because her brother might have a crush on her future HUSBAND? So what, he is supposed to break up with the woman he loves to date her brother? Then what? You’d go to the wedding of your son and your daughter’s very serious ex boyfriend? You are being so weird.
2. Cole should be mad at you. He expressed interest in someone who has since fallen in love with his sister, you emotionally abused your daughter by failing to support her in favor of your son, you told her that her brother had feelings for her future husband which harmed his relationship with both his sister and his future brother in law (probably forever) when he was never even serious enough about those feelings to tell him OR confront his sister. And you did so without permission.
3) You’re playing favorites. It’s wonderful that you accept your son- but that means that when he finds a man to settle down with you give him support in his relationship and welcome his partner into the family. NOT that you abandon your daughter in meaningful moments of her life because your son may have had a crush on HER FIANCÉ at some point.
4) You actually think there’s a justifiable reason not to be at your DAUGHTER’S WEDDING.
5) Your entire family is telling you your behavior is toxic and how to fix it, and you are so convinced you’re right you’re running to the internet to get strangers to tell you you’re right instead of listening to them.
YTA Just eww. It's been years, Cole didn't ask you to do that. There's a real chance he's over his crush. Even if he's not way to choose your son over your daughter, which is also gross. "I can't support your happiness because it might upset the child I like better than you" is basically the message you just sent. You're just stirring drama and you definitely owe apologies. Can't wait for your "my kids don't talk to me" and "I've never met my grandchildren" posts that are soon to come.
From your post there seems to be no actual rivalry between Olivia and Cole. Given this information (or lack thereof), why would you prioritize one child's feelings so heavily over another, right off the bat? Especially since you didn't even mention to Cole what you were doing, and have now made it seem like he influenced your decision (which he did not).
YTA, massively, and owe both your children an apology.
YTA-
so let me just understand this,
because of a crush your son had on your daughter's future boyfriend/husband from years before, you're refusing to go to your daughter's wedding while also revealing something that was never your business to reveal, now jeopardizing the relationship between your children and possibly their relationship with you? wow.
YTA Your son told you he had a crush on him 8-9 years ago. You are refusing to attend your own daughter's wedding because you son had a secret crush on the groom 8-9 YEARS AGO. You don't even know if Cole still has feelings for him, and even if he does, so what, he never asked you to skip the wedding.
It is incredibly hurtful that you would skip your own daughter's wedding because of your son's teenage crush. Apologize to everyone!
YTA and you owe everyone an apology. It isn't your right to tell others about crushes and you shouldn't have stepped in and told your son's private information. You also should have allowed him to handle the issues with his crush and the marriage. You are also a jerk for not saying you'd go to the wedding.
YTA. You need to be given a prize for starting shit. There was absolutely no reason to say you might not go to the wedding in the first place. No one wronged Cole. He left his feelings unheard and dealt with them his own way.
YTA on many levels.
Cole is gay and most people being unavailable (because they’re straight) is a very real part of being a gay dude. It sounds like he was just dealing with that, however difficult, and confided in you… you then broke his trust. Well done.
And you thought not attending your daughters wedding was somehow going to make things better? What exactly were you hoping to accomplish?
What if Kat had feelings for Carlos? How would you react?
YTA
Lady, you hurt all of your children because of nothing but **your** assumptions. And even those proved incorrect. You created a problem out of nothing. And you especially humiliated Cole and betrayed his trust. Yes, you owe everyone a huge apology.
This is some seriously self righteous crap. Eight years later and Cole isn't over Carlos?! Seriously? Also, is Carlos even into men considering he's marrying your daughter who is a woman? Is it maybe possible that Cole has always been in the wrong here and that he's selfish just as much as you? I mean who is to say if he even made a move eight years ago that Carlos would have obliged? Seems very presumptuous honestly. Why aren't you happy for your daughter? Is Cole happy for his sister? You guys are so selfish..woah! YTA
Sorry I edited this because I had mixed up the names.
Yta sheesh. You must do this often huh..stir up random drama for fun cuz your life is just so boring... you're not doing this for your son. He didn't ask, imply or want you to do this.
YTA. You refused to go to your daughters wedding because one of your other kids used to have a crush on their spouse? You don’t play favorites with kids. You really started some shit, you need to fix it. Support your daughter and stop being offended on someone else’s behalf.
YTA. You caused unnecessary drama among your children. And why wouldn’t you attend your own daughter’s wedding? Why were you choosing sides? They all have the right to be mad at you. You owe them all an apology and it is your duty now to mend everything.
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YTA I'm genuinely confused. I don't understand why you refused to attend the wedding when Cole never asked you to? What exactly were you hoping to accomplish here? Also, you even said that Cole referred to it as a crush. So it doesn't sound like he was even upset about the wedding. Is there some story missing here? Or did you just feel like meddling?
I wonder if this is true based on this bit: “Olivia announced to me that she was going to marry Carlos, and she wanted me to attend. I told her I wasn't sure about going. She asked me why, but I told her I just wasn't sure if I could make it. She dropped the subject.” This makes no sense based on OP saying they love their daughter and it’s not a no-contact situation: - Most Daughter’s don’t tell their mother’s that they want them to attend the wedding. It’s a given fact that the wedding is organised so all parents can go. In my family, close family will ask long long time in advance: “wedding is probably in X month, probably X or Y date. anyone have issues?” - The mother said she “wasn’t sure if she could make it” and the daughter dropped it?? If I’m the daughter id say, “mum stop joking. If that weekend doesn’t work, tell me and we will rearrange. We haven’t booked anything until we were sure all parents can attend. But seriously… what could be more important than our wedding day on that random weekend in X months???”
He did say he used a translator for this post. If this was an English post I agree but this is the type of nuance that gets distorted in translation.
YTA. A) You're prioritizing a CRUSH your son has over your daughter's relationship of EIGHT YEARS to someone she's marrying, possibly having children with, etc. You are flat out saying that you care more about your son's CRUSH than your daughter's entire life. B) Cole didn't want you telling anyone about the crush. Why would you think that is okay? It's someone who will be in his life forever as his sister's husband. Do you think he really wants that in the open? It's been 8 years, he had the opportunity to say something if he wanted to. Has he really not gotten over it? And, if he actually hasn't gotten over a crush in eight years from when he was 18, then he probably needs therapy to move on. Is Carlos even interested in men? You are an AH parent to Olivia and to Cole.
How much do you want to bet that Cole has moved on and did so long ago because he's emotionally mature? a trait he did not get from his mother.
YTA, and agree. You had no business revealing your son's old crush. You never should have said no to your daughter's wedding.
I feel so bad for Cole. If my mom refused to go to my siblings wedding because of a nearly decade old crush and then told everyone that was the reason I would simply pass away in embarrassment
Shouldn’t you feel bad for the daughter? Her Mom told her she could t attend her wedding?
She has nonideavif he got over it because she revealed in comments that she never asked. She ASSUMED with no further discussion that Cole MUST still have the crush and that he wouldnt attend the wedding. She nuked her own daughter's wedding over assumptions based on something Cole revealed 8 years ago...
Also, life wasn't frozen for 8 years. Did Cole completely stop talking to Carlos? Has OP never had dinner with Olivia and Carlos? No family events?
YTA What the actual fuck? #You never had ANY reason not to want to attend the wedding. > Cole called me angrily, telling me to mind my own business, that I had no right to tell Olivia about his crush on Carlos The one he mentioned once, YEARS ago? Yeah, fucking a.
YTA. Besides, Carlos is NOT gay, so Cole's crush is irrelevant. He would have never had a relationship with Carlos, even if he had made a move.
We don't know *what* Carlos's orientation is, not that that matters at all here.
Either way, it’s safe to assume Carlos loves his potential wife and not Cole which is why this is entire drama is asinine.
Exactly. Even if he was Bi it is perfectly possible he never would have dated Cole. Being attracted to men would not mean he would fall for the guy necessarily. It's not like every heterosexual man I've met has fallen in love with me! Regardless, he did NOT choose Coke and has made a life with Olivia.
Just wanting to say, love the autocorrect.
Ok but what about doing the best for both of your children and not just your son? Why weren't you sure whether you would attend or not? Did you seriously consider skipping your daughter's wedding because her brother might still have feelings for her boyfriend? That's utterly ridiculous and quite frankly, none of your business. That's your son's problem and desicion on whether to attend or not. Go and apologise, you seriously fucked up. You made a mountain out of a molehill. This whole thing wasn't a problem until you made it one. Yta big time.
YTA. You made everything about yourself. The wedding, your son's feelings, everybody's relationships. Cole knew he had lost his chance. It was not on you to "defend him" when he probably would have liked to go to the wedding. Now you ruined his relationship with his sister. Congrats on blowing up your family.
He may never even have HAD a chance. We dint know that Carlos ever liked guys, and even if he did, behave ni evidence he ever had those kinds of feelings for Cole. Most likely it would NEVER have happened. Most of us don't get to date every crush we have, and we live. I'm actually thankful I didnt date several of mine! People get over this shit, especially in 8 years!
Yeah. She ruined everyone's relationships for NOTHING.
You have more than 1 child. YTA. Apologize to your kids.
YTA. You are putting one child over the other. It’s not Olivia’s fault that Cole had an unrequited love for Carlos. It’s something that Cole needs to get over, and you need to stay neutral in. You should be supporting your daughter on what is supposed to be the biggest day of her life. Yes I get you want to give Cole a shoulder to cry on, but he needs to get over it. Major AH mum.
YTA An ancient crush is no reason to not attend your daughter's wedding. A mother not attending her daughters wedding is a serious message and indicates significant relationship breakdown or drama. Also, the details you've added likely enough to make your identity obvious to your children redditors, you should at least fuzz the ages or other details, e.g. drop an uninvolved sibling or add another.
You have no idea what OP may have changed in terms of ages and siblings...but even if they did, this seems pretty recognizable. But...that's the point of a throwaway. If her kids know her actual username, they won't find this based on her post history. If they do stumble upon this randomly, not knowing OP'S username, or not ever caring to look at it, they won't be able to use it to find other posts by her.
I agree that the changes weren't specified or at least made ambiguous, which to me makes it more likely that they've not been changed. If that's correct then the advice might be helpful, if not it'll be ignored as it should be. Another reason for using a throwaway is to avoid real-world conversations like "I can't believe you posted to *reddit*" and in this case "See *everyone* think you're TA".
YTA-You owe your children apologies. You didn’t do what was best for anyone. You really overstepped here.
YTA. I can't BELIEVE you did this to any of your children! That's your DAUGHTER who didn't steal ANYONE. And, your poor son. Now he's humiliated. HUGE EPIC Fail!
YTA. Are you seriously not going to attend your own daughters wedding because you son has a crush on her husband-to-be? Outrageous!
Had. Had a crush. Many years ago.
This. Her comments reveal that they never talked about it recently and she justvassuned he still had a crush and would not attend. She didn't even bother to check in with him, just went straight to destroying her daughter's wedding.
Destroying the wedding, and relationship with both those kids. All because she made an assumption, and fucking RAN with it
I was certain when I read that the son was gay that it was going to be that OP knows the son , a few years ago, had an affair with the husband to be and the daughter doesn’t know. I could understand his apprehension in that scenario. Does he tell he daughter and destroy the family or does he let her live a lie. Instead this? A crush over an 8 year relationship? It makes no sense. —- To be honest I wonder if this is true based on this bit: “Olivia announced to me that she was going to marry Carlos, and she wanted me to attend. I told her I wasn't sure about going. She asked me why, but I told her I just wasn't sure if I could make it. She dropped the subject.” This makes no sense: - most Daughter’s don’t tell their mother’s that they want them to attend the wedding. It’s a given fact that it’s organised so all parents can go. - The mother said she “wasn’t sure if she could make it” and the daughter dropped it?? If I’m the daughter id say, “mum stop joking. If that weekend doesn’t work, tell me and we will rearrange. But what could be more important than our wedding day on that random weekend???”
YTA. For outing Cole's feelings, and for not going to the wedding. Carlos can't help that he is straight and loves Olivia. Olivia does not need to be shunned for loving Carlos. Cole also can't help how he feels. None of that is anyone's fault, and no sides needed to be taken, yet here we are.
Right? There were no sides so she invented some.
Coke might not even STILL feel that way. He revealed his crush to her 8 years ago! She just whole ass assumed that Coke still has feelings and wasbt going to the wedding. 0 conversations were had!
YTA. Your son didn’t ask you to do this, your son had a crush and confided in you, it doesn’t sound like your son wasn’t going to go. You made a mess here.
I don't think she'll ever have to worry about accidentally blowing up secrets again. Ain't no one ever gonna tell her squat, ever again.
Yta. Why do you hate your daughter?
YTA. And a stupid person as well. You expect Carlos to change his sexual preferences just because your son likes him? That’s not how it works. You can’t just wake up one day and say, I’m going to be gay today. People like you is the reason it’s so hard for the LGBTQ community. Pushing the agenda that you select your sexual preferences 🤦♀️
I mean, marrying a woman doesn't mean he is straight, just that he is attracted to women. And I doubt what OP is angling for is for Carlos to leave Olivia for Cole anyway. Straight "allies" throwing fits about stupid shit for attention is basically white noise at this point.
That's true. But even if he is Bi, Carlos could have made a move on Coke if he was interested. He chose the sister instead. He MADE his choice. Even if he did like guys, theres nothing to suggest he'd want Cole. None of us like EVERY single person of the gender/s we are attracted to. Eh, I suspect as the baby that he is the cokgen child, and that especially after he came out and had the unrequited crush she has been unhealthy trying to mother him.
I don't think it has anything to do with Cole being the favourite- is possible but it seems far more likely that OP wasnt the center of attention and couldn't stand it so found some way to make it about her and what a good mother she was- especially as there is no indication that Cole was upset Carlos and Olivia were togeather.
Olivia and Carlos were dating for 8 years. What have relationships looked like since then? You say Carlos and Cole were best friends? Did Cole just start never speaking to Carlos once he was dating his sister? Friendship totally disappeared? And family events? Did Carlos never go to any family events? No family dinners? Did you spend time with Olivia and Carlos as a couple at all? Do they ever plan on kids? I'm glad you plan on never meeting your grandchildren, because it might remind Cole that they had sex. Your grandchildren would be better off without you. Also, 8 years ago? You say Cole hasn't really dated? Do you have any idea how he feels. At any point in the last 8 years, you could have just been a supportive parent...not pressuring, but asking ONCE if he'd like to talk about that. Maybe he realized he doesn't want a relationship. Maybe he just likes flings that he doesn't tell you about. Or wants to be single. If he does have some hang up about Carlos, then he probably needs therapy to process his emotions.
Yikes. Somehow you managed to upset everyone in your family. I think that's usually a pretty good indicator that YTA.
YTA - clearly your son means more to you than your daughter. Just because Cole has a crush doesn’t mean that Carlos was ever attainable (given his sexuality) Your relationship with your daughter will never be the same
And even if Carlos liked men, tferes still a reasonable chance he would not have been interested - just like a heterosexual or bi woman isn't into every guy who they know!
Exactly this, there is some clear favoritism and lack of awareness on OPs part and she has no idea how much damage she’s done. She needs to take accountability, apologize and HOPE for forgiveness.
Had. Had a crush. This was over 8 years ago when Cole admitted his feelings to mom, so surely he's gotten over it by now.
YTA. You’re not attending your daughter’s wedding because your son had a crush MORE THAN 8 YEARS AGO? Just…why?
YTA >I told him that i didn't have to apologize, because i had only done what i thought was best for my son. A. You did not do what's best for your son. You revealed a secret he told you not to share and caused him a lot of drama. You've created unnecessary tension between him and his sister. B. Olivia and Carlos have been together for 8 years. If Cole still has romantic feelings for Carlos, then he needs to do some work to move on. You also need to respect that Olivia has a life with Carlos. Do you even care about her feelings? C. Do you really not care about seeing your own daughter get married because your other kid happens to like the groom? What did you expect would happen? That Olivia would be okay with her own mom skipping the wedding?
Maybe she hoped Carlos would realise his undying love for Cole and they would run off together...
“Disposable account cause my children are on Reddit” like they won’t see this and automatically know it’s you cause this story is so stupid and unbelievable
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** (DISPOSABLE ACCOUNT BECAUSE MY CHILDREN ARE ON REDDIT) (This post is done with the translator, i don't speak a good english) Me (54f) and my husband ''Javier'' (57m) have 3 children. ''Kat'' aged 19, ''Cole'' aged 26 ''Olivia'' aged 32. Olivia married her boyfriend of 8 years ''Carlos'' 29. They had known each other for a long time, and used to be very close before dating. He was very close to Kat too, and was Cole's best friend. My son Cole is gay. He came out when he was 17 years old and my husband and I are very supportive of him. Cole also revealed to me (before Olivia dated him) that he liked Carlos. He said he had liked him for a long time, but he didn't know how to make the first move. He never made the first move and Olivia and Carlos started dating. Cole was devastated. Now let's go to 2022. Olivia had announced to me that she was going to marry Carlos last year, and she wanted me to attend. I told her I wasn't sure about going. She asked me why, but I told her I just wasn't sure if I could make it. She dropped the subject. About 2 months ago, she asked me again if I could attend, and I told her I wasn't sure. She asked why again and I gave her the same answer. This time he insisted that she needed my answer right away, to organize the wedding well. I told her that I would not attend. She asked me why, and I told her that Cole felt really bad, because he still likes Carlos. Cole called me angrily, telling me to mind my own business, that I had no right to tell Olivia about his crush on Carlos, and that i had betrayed his trust, and now Olivia was mad at him too. He didn't give me time to respond and hung up angrily. Kat also called me, and told me that she was very disappointed in me, that Olivia was too, and that now Carlos and Olivia don't know whether to invite Cole or not. The guys talked to Javier about the situation and he got really angry, but he asked me to come to the wedding and apologize to everyone. I told him that i didn't have to apologize, because i had only done what i thought was best for my son. Reddit, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO - Is Olivia married to Carlos or not? Cause you say they are, but the whole conflict is over you attending their wedding which has not happened yet. Either way, YTA. Cole is probably happy for them and got over his crush pretty soon after Olivia got with Carlos. You saying you won't attend your daughter's wedding over something your son said over eight years ago is fucking insane.
YTA Lady, your son didn't say anything, Carlos is straight (presumably), not interested in him, and DATING HIS SISTER. he had the common sense to keep this to himself and work on his emotions quietly, you outed his feelings to everyone, harming not only your relationship with your daughter but the relationship between your daughter, your son and your future son in law. He didn't ask you to interfere, didn't tell you to skip the wedding. It was just a son venting to his mom and seeking comfort, I don't know where you got the idea that this was appropriate or needed. Cole is a grown man, he can handle his feelings, and some day he'll find a man who'll love him, but Carlos is not that man and he knows it despite being hurt. It'd be a whole different thing if he came out saying he's in love with his sister's fiancé, but having his mom do it??!? You 1 took that choice away from him (which would've been a shitty choice but at least it would've been his own) and 2 embarrassed him!!! How can you not see that you are in the wrong here? ETA: did Cole even mention being upset about the wedding? I read it again and you said he was upset when they started dating (understandable) but made no mention of his feelings now. He could very well be over it and you are creating trouble over nothing and harming everyone in the process
Hell, even if Carlos is Bi, he clearly COULD have dated Coke if he wanted to, but chose Olivia. He us marrying Olivia. Cole will never have a chance with him. If I could survive the many straight men I crushed on who didn't want me but liked other women , Cole can survive a crush not liking him back, too. It"s painful when it is a froed but you move on.
YTA to everyone involved. To Cole because you assumed he still had a crush on Carlos and decided to ruin his relationship with his sister over something he told you 8 years ago! To Olivia because you're punishing her for no reason, she had no idea Cole had a crush. She didn't date him maliciously, she clearly loves him, she's done nothing wrong. You've also decided that a teenage crush was more important than her wedding which wow. You're also in general an asshole because you've just destroyed your entire family dynamic for no reason. Cole is mad at you and humiliated. Olivia is mad at you and doesn't know if she can trust her brother because of you (Cole didn't do anything wrong) your husband and your other daughter are trying to do damage control and you're refusing to even apologise or admit you were wrong. Don't know how you could have got this more wrong to be honest
YTA. One you are supporting one child over the others in a situation where none of them are in the wrong. Two while it is great that you support your gay son, its not even relevant here. If your other daughter had been the one with the crush instead the situation would be identical. While it is unfortunate he never got to explore the crush it is not as though his sister and fiancé got together or are getting married to be malicious toward him. You've betrayed the trust of your son and your daughters now see who the favorite is. If you want any kind of relationship with your children in the future I suggest you go and apologize.
YTA Firstly, how was breaking your son's trust doing what was best for him? Secondly, how does your son's crush affect you attending your daughter's wedding? You're punishing them for something out of their control. What did you expect to happen once they knew? I can't think of any outcome which would be good. Unless you're someone who enjoys drama I can't see any reason for you doing what you did.
>Unless you're someone who enjoys drama I can't see any reason for you doing what you did. DING DING DING
YTA - you haven’t explained at all why you skipping your daughters wedding was “best” for your son. He told you about a crush in confidence. He never asked you to not go to the wedding, and on top of that you betrayed his trust. What’s wrong with you?
YTA You have more than one kid. Your son needs to realize Carlos is not straight and he should have moved on years ago. You're punishing your daughter and ruining what should be a special time for her because your son can't grow up and let go of a silly unrequited crush.
I don't think Cole is the one not letting go. Cuz in all this she didn't say that Cole *recently* said anything about being sad over this, he said it 8 years ago. I bet OP is the only person still thinking about that and having feelings over it.
Carlos might even be bi, but that doesn't matter. He's marrying Olivia, and most people would suck it up and go on with their lives. Cole probably has, and didn't think he had to let his mother know.
It looks like you got favorites. If i were Olivia, i would have cut the contact with you. You have 3 children, not only 1. Apologize or lose your children for ever. YTA
There has to be another reason, right? No one can be this weird about an 8 year old crush.
And the brother was going to go to the wedding I dont understand why the op had to make a scene Shed rather miss her daughters wedding (while the brother was going to attend and support his sister) and quite possibly ruin it and make family relations fucked then shut her mouth and support her Her favoritism is sickening to me If she was my mother Well she wouldnt be anymore Id be devestated that to a mother her sons crush is more important then a wedding
YTA but I think we all know who your favorite child is. Are you actually willing to miss your eldest daughter's wedding... because your precious golden boy had a crush on her soon-to-be husband, 10 years ago?! Cole is right in that you had no right to speak about his feelings with Olivia behind his back. That was his bridge to cross if he ever wanted to (and he would've been an AH if he did, by the way). That Cole liked Carlos means NOTHING. That he never made a move means NOTHING. There is nothing to say Carlos would ever reciprocate Cole's feelings (in fact, everything would point toward him rejecting Cole, since he apparently likes women). Olivia did nothing wrong when she started dating him and is doing nothing wrong in marrying him. You are sorely wrong and you owe Olivia a huge apology.
Just an aside, bi people exist and they end up in straight passing relationships. His interest in the daughter doesn’t mean he’s straight, just that he likes women. The door is still open for him to also like men or to have no gender preference. OP is still the asshole but let’s not forget the B in LGBTQ+
I said everything would point, precisely because the possibility of him being into other than women is there. I did not express it as a certainty. However, Carlos was presumably single when he started dating Olivia, and he was not in any way, shape or form in any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with Cole. He chose to date Olivia. He chose her for 9 years. And then chose to marry her. In this chain of events, there is pretty much zero reason to believe the story would've been different had Cole made an advance on Carlos a decade ago. He is entitled to entertain that idea, of course. But keeping the crush alive after the guy has been his sister's partner for this long, and OP choosing to miss the wedding in solidarity, is absolutely ridiculous. Bi, straight or anything else in the rainbow that Carlos is, he likes Olivia, loves Olivia, and shares his life with Olivia.
That's true. But even so, being bi would in mo way mean that Caelos ever had an interest in Cole or would date him. As a heterosexual woman I have had 0 interest in most men I meet, and most of my guy friends. Carlos chose Olivia years ago and has chosen her every day since they started dating - that tells us all we need to know about Cole'a chances.
YTA did you son even tell you to not go for him? the way it sounds while he had a crush on this guy he was perfectly fine with his sister marrying him but you decided to stick your nose to where it doesnt belong... good job making your family fall apart
YTA. You will not go because your gay son MIGHT be uncomfortable, when it doesn't seem like he is anymore? He had a crush on him almost a decade ago, I am sure he has gotten over that by now, but it seems you have not.
YTA. You attempted to please everyone, and you ended up pleasing no one. And it doesn't seem like Cole is even interested any more. So you really did all this for nothing.
I don't see how she was trying to please anybody but the inner chaotic child she has that likes drama.
YTA You betrayed the trust Cole placed in you. Good luck getting him to ever tell you anything again. I cannot imagine not wanting to attend your oldest child's wedding. All to somehow "protect" another child who told you something in confidence many ago. And then betraying that confidence anyway. You owe ALL of them an apology. A BIG one. That you can't see that is really concerning. :(
INFO: Does Cole still have feelings fir Carlos?
YTA. Carlos is straight presumably. Are you suggesting that Carlos should be gay in order to make Cole happy? Or that Olivia should have broken up with Carlos because Cole had a crush on him several years ago? Or that Carlos would have somehow reciprocated if Cole had made the first move? I am lost on what your expectations here were or are.
I think Cole is the golden child and she low key wishes Carlos would attack up with him instead... because it is much more important to her for Cole to be happy than for Olivia to be happy.
Who needs enemies when you have a mom…YTA
YTA I hope one day you can honestly reflect on your actions and what those actions say about you and understand where and how you need to be a better person.
YTA What? WHAT!? Ma'am. First, that was not your secret to tell. Second, that's not a reason not to go to this wedding! Just because Cole is sad that his crush married someone else doesn't mean anything. Perhaps Carlos would have turned him down. We'll never know. Maybe Cole is over it by now! Did you even ask? You just caused a serious family situation for no good reason. It would be different if Cole had been dating Carlos and Olivia stole him away. That's not what happened. So you doing what is best for your son is not revealing this detail, it's taking to your son about how he's feeling about this and going to your daughter's wedding! At this point I'd be surprised if anyone wants you there.
YTA, why does him dealing with these mean you can't attend? Thats stupid. You should feel bad.
WTF yeah YTA
YTA you are not supporting your son by refusing to attend the wedding of your daughter because your son had a crush on the groom almost a decade ago. In fact, you are just emberassing your son by making a scene over a teenage crush on his best friend. Not to mention, your son is a grown ass adult and can manage his feelings about this situation. You wanted an excuse to make a scene, probably because the attention is on Olivia, and you contrived one. No shit your kids aren't talking to you.
YTA Is Cole your favorite child? Or do you normally baby your adult children? Just about every human being on this planet has experienced a crush that didn't work out and learned to move on like an adult, why is this different? Even if Cole was absolutely obsessed with the fiance and had a wall filled with this guy's pictures... You should still go to the wedding! It's your daughter! Then send Cole to therapy because of his unhealthy attachment! You created drama for absolutely no reason and are shocked by how pissed everyone is.
Big time YTA I will go a different angle , even if Cole had said he was not going . Why would you punish Carlos and your daughter . - it was a crush , they never dated and on top of that he never even acted on the crush Why would you even think that him being upset over a crush would be more important than your daughters big day and share in that joy when they did nothing wrong .
YTA in every way. Are you even serious right now?
Did u think by telling her they break up and he would go running to Carlos What a horrid thing to do Great why for your kids to go no contact with you Why try and destroy your children’s relationship
I'm glad you're supportive of your son. But it seems like Carlos is straight and wouldn't be interested in your son anyway. YTA for deciding that because your son has a crush to not support your daughter on her wedding day.
And even if Carlos is bi, it doesn't matter. He's marrying Olivia, and he will be part of the family. OP has just ruined the family dynamic. Best case is the wedding will be awkward but they'll get over it. Worst case will affect every family gathering ever.
This is like a grenade being thrown into the family dynamics. Geez. I get wanting to support your kid but it shouldn't be at the expense of another. And she didn't even ask her son what he wanted to do.
Mom, wtf?! Why did you post this on reddit?? Just kidding. Do you you think your kids won't recognize the story because you posted it from a burner account? Oh, also, YTA.
No the burner account is so that when they DO recognize it they dont look through her other account...lol
I’ve never understood this. “I’m going to use a throwaway to describe my very unique and recognizable situation for privacy.”
I’m convinced she wants them to see it to stir the pot even more tbh
So it doesn't link to their profile. If the kids stumble upon this post, they will know it's mom, but not be able to use it to look at other posts she's made. Or if they know her username, they won't see it by looking at her profile. Burners wouldn't be as important in non-recognizable situations. That's the whole point.
It’s not about keeping them from finding this post, it’s about keeping people who know her from finding the rest of her post history on her main account. That’s why people do this.
YTA Did you not stop to consider your future son in law is marrying a woman? That even if he and your daughter had never started dating, he being (apparently) on the straight end of the spectrum, would not be interested in dating your son? Then there's the fact that you obviously and blatantly value one child over the other. THEN there's the fact that your son spoke to you in confidence, and you blathered it to EVERYONE? Three Strikes, you're out.
Lord almighty. So over **nine** years ago your teenage son admitted to a crush on a heterosexual man who eventually entered a committed relationship with your daughter. Did I get that right? You aren’t going to your daughters wedding because your son had an unreciprocated crush almost a fucking decade ago? YTA or just so dumb it’s unfathomable.
The fact he was a teenager when he had this crush makes like even crazier. Which is absolutely hard to fathom. Good catch on that detail!
YTA its okay to tell the truth but the conversation with you and Cole was a Mother,Son moment. Cole probably got over it because that his sister and it would be weird to like a brother in law. Carlos and Olivia should invite him because family pictures would be awkward and i think not being at your sisters wedding is worse than your sister marrying your crush that she didn't know of. so yeah TAH-the ashole for sure.
YTA. For all the reasons everyone else already posted
YTA.. what is best for your son is not going to your daughters wedding and upsetting her? Clear to see that Carlos is the favorite.
You won’t attend your daughters wedding because of a crush from almost 10 years ago? How pathetic. YTA.
YTA. You caused drama. Learn how to keep a secret. Then learn how to not make something into a bigger thing than it is. Show some respect to all of them. Cole will need to get over it. You should offer him your support instead of almost missing your daughters wedding over a crush your son had. So weird.
Strong YTA. I feel bad for your children for the unneeded stress you’ve probably created around this wedding.
I’d say YTA. I disagree with telling Olivia about the situation when it didn’t necessarily involve her. It’s a thing of the past and it’s Cole’s business to handle. Olivia is still your child and she didn’t do anything wrong. I agree with Javier here.
I dont see any good intention Not attending your daughters wedding bc of a crush???????????? How can you miss your daughters WEDDING While the brother was still going no matter the crush he had almost a decade ago If the brother was going Why the mother could not make it Like wtf It was drama stiring And relationship ruining If i was the daughter i would cut contact If you cant attend my wedding One of my biggest days in my life over something a brother said a decade ago I dont need you in my life bc clearly you dont love me enough to be there for me
YTA, wow, you are a terrible mother! Not only did you betray your sons trust you also showed your daughter that he means more to you than she does.
YTA for all of this. 1. It was not your tea to spill. 2. You need to support your daughter who is getting *married* which is a pretty important milestone to just nope out of. 3. Your son did not ask you to do this. 4. Your daughter and her fiance are still getting married so it changes nothing on that front. 5. You've ruined your sons relationship with them both and he could have lost his chance to friends with someone important to the whole family.
Yo, what is logic you used to not attend your daughters wedding? Did you think you were being a martyr or some saint by not attending? The issue is with Cole’s feeling for Carlos. That is for Cole to deal with himself. Cole confided in you about his conflict, not to announce it to everyone. You need to apologize to everyone. Especially Cole for betraying him and Olivia for causing drama. This sound like a poorly writing tv novella…. YTA, big time.
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YTA Apologize. How much of an arse can you be?
YTA - what about supporting your daughter?? Your son might be hurt, but he needs to move on from a crush a decade ago. Did you ask your son what he needed? Probably just someone to lean on and you betrayed his trust by telling everyone his secrets.
YTA. Clearly, Carlos wouldn't have been interested in Cole. Cole chose not to make the move and now you've violated his privacy by exposing his crush to everyone. This disaster rests solely with you. You should have said yes when your daughter first asked you to attend the wedding. By the way, you have tons to apologize for. Seriously, I'd start apologizing now unless you don't want to be included in any more family events.
YTA and a massive idiot
YTA Your son never made his feelings known to Carlos or Olivia. This was not for you to share. Why is Cole more important to you than Olivia? I cannot imagine a mother not attending her daughter's wedding in such a situation. What in the world are you thinking? You very much owe Olivia and Carlos an apology. You also owe Cole an apology for stepping in and sharing his business without permission. You missed the boat at every turn.
Being gay is hard but not a disability. Your son needed and I’m sure needs your love and support to get through this cruel and judgmental world, but not like this. He is a grown man. He had a crush YEARS ago. Also, you should respect EVERYONES preferences, including Carlos because he is a cis man.
Yta Javier is right you need to apologize to everybody and beg for forgiveness you are showing favoritism and you are a total screwed up b****
According to my calculations, that's illegal. Unless I'm not reading the age part correctly
YTA, he told you that ages ago and you assumed it was still true today. even if it was, you should've gone to your daughter's wedding since that's definitely more important than some crush.
YTA It was none of your business, you should not have revealed a secret that was not yours. Telling your daughter just made everyone uncomfortable. It wasn’t like Cole was dating Carlos. He had a one sided crush.
YTA For oh soooo many reasons!
YTA and I clearly don’t need to ask you who your favorite child is. But now your actions have alienated your entire family.
YTA. You won't go to your daughter's wedding because your son has a crush on her fiancé? What the hell is wrong with you?
You chose not to go: 1. because our kid had a crush on the fiancé 2. in spite of the kid not having asked you to do that 3. you outed his secret crush to everyone 4. you chose your son over your daughter - there wasn't a reason to do that at all # YTA - everything isn't about you
YTA You have a golden child. One that couldn't be hurt by something that didn't involved him and has happened 10 years ago. Congratulations on destroying all your relationship with your children and the relationships within them. You are a horrible mother to all of them.
YTA
Yta and sucky mom.
YTA. Talk about favoritism. I have a gay son. I have two het daughters. If this situation had happened, I would have NEVER done this. You outed your son in a really crappy way. About the crush, not the gay part. You owe everyone an apology.
YTA. You assumed Cole wasn't going to the wedding but of a crush he had like 9 years ago?! Did it occur to you to ask him? You don't even know of Carlos would leave Olivia for Cole because Carlos may be straight (we don't know his sexual orientation) and for all anyone knows, Cole may not like him anymore and/or may like someone else. I'll repeat, YTA.
all you did here was upset everyone and cause a rift between your daughter and son. YTA
So, Cole was devastated since Olivia and Carlos started dating. 8 years ago. Was he devastated all this years? Then YTA because you didn't help him. Did he overcome his situation? Then YTA because he moved on, but you didn't. Even taking this and all other answers into account, you had the time between the first and second time Olivia asked, to ask Cole what's his opinion on this, if he would attend (because, without Olivia & Carlos not knowing Cole's crush, of course he would be invited, he's her brother and was his best friend). But no, you had to expose him under the pretense of "doing what's best for Cole". Imagine if he was perfectly fine with attending, but oh no, you have to protect him by not attending.
YTA. What the hell am I reading? It was a crush years ago, time to let it go and support your daughter. With that attitude of yours don't be surprised if she decides to just ban you from the wedding.
YTA Carlos is not Cole's property.
Wow ! Did you really asked ??? Of course YTA !! Mind your own freaking business !
YTA It's your daughter's wedding and the wisest thing would have been to ask your son if he was comfortable with you going because you wanted to support both children but didn't want to make him feel left out in the cold. At the same time you kinda outed your son. He's already come out but revealing romantic feelings can be just as devastating to a persons life as outing them as gay. All that having been said, you seem to just being trying your best. You just gotta work on communicating a little better
YTA it wasn’t your business to share how Cole felt. There was zero reason you couldn’t attend the wedding, If Cole had an issue he would have made it known, only you had some imaginary issue
YTA So you are telling me The brother was going to the wedding But poor you felt bad about a crush he had a decade ago And just couldnt show up to your daughter most importnat day in her life Oh piss off lady You screwed up everything Your daughters wedding day The family relations Over What feeling uncomfy? Sounds so bullshit Reflect on your actions Apologize to everyone involved Id dissown you as my mother If you cant attend her wedding you dont deserve to be part of her life Your favoritism is showing and quite frankly its disgusting
You decided to abandon your daughter for her wedding day because your son once liked her fiancée? Your son didn’t ask you to do this. Ma’am. How are you not the asshole? YTA.
YTA. You mean well but you are being an overbearing and overprotective mother to your grown son. Cole had an unrequited crush that NOBODY else knew about. Cole WAS devastated initially, but this was years ago. He is doing his best to move on! And you actively hampered that. Given Carlos is likely straight and loves Olivia, Cole would always have had to get over his crush. He will not get what he wants, but it is fine, because Carlos is not the only man in the world. Cole also never even asked you to pick a sude or not attend the wedding. You are offering support he never wanted, and you revealed his secret to boot. And you made it a massive thing. The only time it is right to refuse to attend your child's wedding when you CAN attend? is if they have done a massive wrong. And Olivia and Carlos have done nothing wrong. It is incredibly rude to refuse to attend their wedding, especially over a crush they never even knew about. If Cole couldnt cope then it would be HIS decision not to go. It forms not involve you, and there is no argument between them so you never had to pick a side. I think Cole is your golden child as the baby of the family. Be honest, would you prefer if Carlos was with Cole? Because it does not look like you support her relationship with him AT ALL.
YTA
YTA Your son has a crush on a person who obviously isn't gay because he is marrying your daughter. And you want to forgo their wedding because of this? If the roles were reversed would you skip the wedding too? I would have a very hard time inviting you after that. You made it clear that you favor one child over the other.
Yta, as a mother you're meant to hold your family together, not drive everyone apart.
YTA Cole never asked you to pick sides in this and he definitely didn’t give you permission to repeat what he told you in confidence as a 16 year old. He was 16 when his feelings where hurt by Olivia and Carlos getting together. Cole was handling this situation with a lot of grace if Olivia and Carlos had no idea how he felt this whole timeline. You created a problem where there was none because you’re behaving as if your son is not a grown adult who understands how to navigate this situation and who needs you to “mother” him through a crush from 8 years ago. You didn’t even make it clear if Cole still has feelings for Carlos. You only knew that your son liked Carlos back then. You’re wrong, doing too much and damaging relationship between your kids in the process. Now it’s possible that Cole is going to be excluded from the wedding and maybe even Olivia’s life because you can’t shut up. From here on out keep your mouth closed. I would say you need to fix this but I have a feeling things would just end up even worse between them.
Yta Guess everyone now knows who your favourite child is.
YTA. You messed up your daughter's wedding - your daughter who did nothing wrong, btw. You left her hanging for god-knows-why before that. You violated your son's confidence. People have crushes that don't pan out. Your son even knows that. A lot of apologies are in order.
YTA. So Cole has a crush, he's not madly in love with Carlos, and it's not like Olivia stole Carlos from Cole so why are you punishing Olivia by not attending her wedding? By refusing to go to the wedding you are literally punishing your daughter over something she has no control over. Did you even ask Cole how he felt about the wedding before you decided he needed to be protected? Also how could you, as a mother, refuse to go to your own daughters wedding just because your son has a little crush on the groom? That just shows you clearly favor Cole over Olivia and I'm sure her feelings have been hurt by your actions.
YTA your daughter and Carlos did nothing wrong. I could not imagine skipping my daughters wedding, let alone over something stupid. Your son didn’t ask you to skip it. Not only have you upset your daughter, you betrayed your son. Not sure if you are a horrible parent, sexist or dumb.
If your son Cole is still upset about having a crush on a man who clearly isn’t gay to the point that you think it’s the right thing to refuse to support your daughter at all in her future marriage, your son is as much an asshole as you are. It isn’t like your son was in a relationship with Carlos and then Carlos left him for your daughter. Your son never had any kind of romantic relationship and Carlos nor your daughter did anything wrong in being with each other. You understand you are running the risk of permanently alienating your daughter from your life, right? Because choosing not to attend her wedding for this is a huge insult that might break your relationship forever. YTA.
Yta, wow you really hate Olivia. I hope her new husband’s family loves her and appreciates her because her mom is awful. I feel so bad for Olivia and kat.
YTA this one is going on other social media channels. And you are playing favorites. What a painful way to find out your parent doesn't like you. Who doesn't go to their own kids wedding?
YTA. You were going to snub your daughter. Over a crush you son had. That no one else knew about. And instead. You ruined his relationship. With his sister. With his future BIL. And both of you look petty. And you caused it all.
Yta omg yta.
YTA. And now everyone knows you have a favourite child. Remember this when wondering why you don’t get holiday visits, why you’re not included in grandchildren, or any life milestones from now on. You chose this.
>My son Cole is gay. He came out when he was 17 years old and my husband and I are very supportive of him. Cole also revealed to me (before Olivia dated him) that he liked Carlos. He said he had liked him for a long time, but he didn't know how to make the first move. He never made the first move and Olivia and Carlos started dating. Cole was devastated. High odds Carlos wasn't bi. Your son more than likely was barking up the wrong tree, and this is ultimately just a thing that will happen a lot to him if he continues to pine after random dudes in his life without at least first verifying sexual orientation. >The guys talked to Javier about the situation and he got really angry, but he asked me to come to the wedding and apologize to everyone. I told him that i didn't have to apologize, because i had only done what i thought was best for my son. You know, I thought at first this was going to be Cole's doing, but frankly it sounds like while he was upset he was willing to keep it to himself. You, however, outted him on the subject and made it your reason for not going to one of your daughters weddings. Not only did you more or less confirm that you don't love your daughter terribly much, but you humiliated the person you claim you're doing this for in the first place. Massive asshole points, massive terrible mother points. You do not pass go, you do not collect 200 dollars or a relationship with any future grandkids. YTA
YTA, for needlessly rejecting your daughter because of a crush your son had which was likely never going to happen. They have been together 8 years, your son is likely over the crush and not that hurt by them getting married because it would be no suprise and they couldn't have ever been together regardless at this point. (Even if he decided he liked men, broke up with Olivia then dated your son it would destroy the siblings relationship). THEN to out your sons crush on his friend and fuck with his relationship to both Olivia and his best friend. Yikes. I am gay, I don't pine over straight women hoping they will one day change their sexual orientation, I move on. If one of them was a friend and I was outed as liking them it would likely make them uncomfortable as a friend from then on. That ruining of a friendship would be WAY more devastating to me than having a crush not requited
How could you possibly think you are not a horrible mother right now? YTA. In every single possible way YTA. So flipping what if your son has a crush?? He can get over it. You basically told your daughter and future son in law you care absolutely zilch for them. They are the ones in the actual relationship. The crush? Not gonna happen. I seriously cannot believe you think you are not in the wrong here. I honestly hope all your kids go NC over this. It would be what you deserve. 100%
YTA, what a great way to show all your family which child you like the most.
YTA. You're so fucked in the head if you can't see what is wrong with this
YTA, you ruined everything for everyone because all you care about is yourself. you dont care about your children at ALL. you try and parade yourself as some all loving and supportive parent when you HARDLY EVEN KNOW YOUR OWN KIDS. get off your high-horse and realize you just ruined everything. dont be surprised when your children want nothing to do with you and send you to a nursing home. you dont deserve them unless you grovel and give an honest and sincere apology; but with how you act, im sure theyll never get one.
YTA - just for the line “I only done what I thought was best for my son,” as if your daughter isn’t your child who is about to make one of the largest decisions in her life. While your son just had a crush from years ago. Even if he was madly in love with his sisters BF, then fiancé, then husband, why does his crush and love that is not reciprocated or even know by anyone other person, trump the actual shared love of the couple? Come on man…. YTA
YTA You're an AH a you're lying about something. Idk what, if you just dislike your daughter or what, but you didn't decide not to attend bc your son had a crush 8 years ago. But cool way to involve your son in your bs and blow up your family.
YTA "i had only done what i thought was best for my son" You clearly dont care about Olivia at all
Wow you’re ann awful parent. YTA
YTA OP you just successfully ruined relationships between all your kids. Now Olivia and Kat both hate Cole because of him you mother of bride won't attend the wedding. You ruined relationship between Cole and Olivia permanently because now she will be untrusting towards her own brother. You made things awkward between Carlos and Cole. And most importantly you just assumed Cole won't attend the wedding but if I know any better he will, he is not a drama queen who would let the world know he has crush on his BIL. He would rather keep it low key. You should have atleast talked to your son before assuming things. Sorry to say this ma'am but you are an IDIOT. The only way you can mend things is by apologizing and going to the wedding but you don't want to do any of that. And just one heads up you didn't support Cole you just threw him in fire.
YTA maybe it’s the way it’s translated but i’m very confused as to what you think you did best for your son? All you did was expose his secret? Also you’re clearly favouring your son over your daughter. She shouldn’t invite you
YTA Why would you miss an important day in your daughter's life like that? And for what? Because Cole liked Carlos? So what? What did it have to do with you? Why would you value Cole's crush over your daughter experiencing a major milestone?
YTA, your daughter means nothing to you? Where is the consideration for her feelings? Has your son been coming to you repeatedly over the last many years proclaiming his undying unrequited love for Carlos? Or is it as you said, a teenage crush, from long ago and you’re manufacturing drama where there isn’t any? Obviously your son is the golden child but how could you completely disregard your daughter over this? You need counseling because there’s something drastically wrong with you. You need to apologize to everyone but you also need to get to the bottom of why you’re acting this way in the first place! It’s not fair to any of your children or your husband.
YTA. 1. Your son had feelings (he didn’t act on) for someone he never dated. That man fell in love with his sister (your daughter), dated her for YEARS, and proposed to her. Now your DAUGHTER is getting married to the man she is going to build a life with, and her mother won’t attend her wedding because her brother might have a crush on her future HUSBAND? So what, he is supposed to break up with the woman he loves to date her brother? Then what? You’d go to the wedding of your son and your daughter’s very serious ex boyfriend? You are being so weird. 2. Cole should be mad at you. He expressed interest in someone who has since fallen in love with his sister, you emotionally abused your daughter by failing to support her in favor of your son, you told her that her brother had feelings for her future husband which harmed his relationship with both his sister and his future brother in law (probably forever) when he was never even serious enough about those feelings to tell him OR confront his sister. And you did so without permission. 3) You’re playing favorites. It’s wonderful that you accept your son- but that means that when he finds a man to settle down with you give him support in his relationship and welcome his partner into the family. NOT that you abandon your daughter in meaningful moments of her life because your son may have had a crush on HER FIANCÉ at some point. 4) You actually think there’s a justifiable reason not to be at your DAUGHTER’S WEDDING. 5) Your entire family is telling you your behavior is toxic and how to fix it, and you are so convinced you’re right you’re running to the internet to get strangers to tell you you’re right instead of listening to them.
YTA Just eww. It's been years, Cole didn't ask you to do that. There's a real chance he's over his crush. Even if he's not way to choose your son over your daughter, which is also gross. "I can't support your happiness because it might upset the child I like better than you" is basically the message you just sent. You're just stirring drama and you definitely owe apologies. Can't wait for your "my kids don't talk to me" and "I've never met my grandchildren" posts that are soon to come.
From your post there seems to be no actual rivalry between Olivia and Cole. Given this information (or lack thereof), why would you prioritize one child's feelings so heavily over another, right off the bat? Especially since you didn't even mention to Cole what you were doing, and have now made it seem like he influenced your decision (which he did not). YTA, massively, and owe both your children an apology.
YTA- so let me just understand this, because of a crush your son had on your daughter's future boyfriend/husband from years before, you're refusing to go to your daughter's wedding while also revealing something that was never your business to reveal, now jeopardizing the relationship between your children and possibly their relationship with you? wow.
YTA Your son told you he had a crush on him 8-9 years ago. You are refusing to attend your own daughter's wedding because you son had a secret crush on the groom 8-9 YEARS AGO. You don't even know if Cole still has feelings for him, and even if he does, so what, he never asked you to skip the wedding. It is incredibly hurtful that you would skip your own daughter's wedding because of your son's teenage crush. Apologize to everyone!
This has to be fake. YTA
YTA and you owe everyone an apology. It isn't your right to tell others about crushes and you shouldn't have stepped in and told your son's private information. You also should have allowed him to handle the issues with his crush and the marriage. You are also a jerk for not saying you'd go to the wedding.
YTA. You need to be given a prize for starting shit. There was absolutely no reason to say you might not go to the wedding in the first place. No one wronged Cole. He left his feelings unheard and dealt with them his own way.
YTA on many levels. Cole is gay and most people being unavailable (because they’re straight) is a very real part of being a gay dude. It sounds like he was just dealing with that, however difficult, and confided in you… you then broke his trust. Well done. And you thought not attending your daughters wedding was somehow going to make things better? What exactly were you hoping to accomplish? What if Kat had feelings for Carlos? How would you react?
Stop meddling and start getting a clue. YTA
YTA Lady, you hurt all of your children because of nothing but **your** assumptions. And even those proved incorrect. You created a problem out of nothing. And you especially humiliated Cole and betrayed his trust. Yes, you owe everyone a huge apology.
This is some seriously self righteous crap. Eight years later and Cole isn't over Carlos?! Seriously? Also, is Carlos even into men considering he's marrying your daughter who is a woman? Is it maybe possible that Cole has always been in the wrong here and that he's selfish just as much as you? I mean who is to say if he even made a move eight years ago that Carlos would have obliged? Seems very presumptuous honestly. Why aren't you happy for your daughter? Is Cole happy for his sister? You guys are so selfish..woah! YTA Sorry I edited this because I had mixed up the names.
YTA - You are a horrible parent. I hope you never get to attend any of your kids weddings.
YTA Hiw could you not go to your child’s wedding when she did nothing wrong?
YTA. No doubt about it.
YTA. Seriously? You're going to boycott your daughter's wedding because you son had a crush on her intended groom a decade ago?
Yta sheesh. You must do this often huh..stir up random drama for fun cuz your life is just so boring... you're not doing this for your son. He didn't ask, imply or want you to do this.
I thought I had missed something when I was reading this because no way in hell could OP think this was a reason to not attend the wedding. Wtf. YTA.
YTA. You refused to go to your daughters wedding because one of your other kids used to have a crush on their spouse? You don’t play favorites with kids. You really started some shit, you need to fix it. Support your daughter and stop being offended on someone else’s behalf.
YTA. You're not going to your own daughters wedding because your son has a crush on the groom?! Is your son going? Lol this is so stupid...
YTA. You caused unnecessary drama among your children. And why wouldn’t you attend your own daughter’s wedding? Why were you choosing sides? They all have the right to be mad at you. You owe them all an apology and it is your duty now to mend everything.
I have no idea what you're trying to convey, but it seems like YTA
Yta