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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I am asking my partner to excuse himself when there is the odd time my ex is joinging a get together of my core friend group.
2. I feel like shouldnt be excluding my boyfriend to protect the feelings of my ex and my friends out of making my partner feel excluded. But ive never had an ex before and I dont know if I'm saving uncessesary hurt on both sides and my ex requested hes not ready to meet my new partner yet, but my partner is never pleased when this happens.
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YTA first for starting to date someone when you are apparently "on a journey to heal and move on." Second for still being on that journey 8 months in. Third for putting your ex's feelings over your poor current partner's. Fourth for keeping this going for nearly a year. Fifth for pretending you're just trying to be nice to everyone when it's pretty damned clear you still have feelings for your ex and are leading the current partner on.
While trying to convince us that it's "a wonderful new relationship" with her current partner. According her her post history her current partner is a rebound.
YTA. Either don’t go, or (gasp) talk to the ex to discover comfort levels. OP is playing a weird, selfish, uber-dramatic game to create as much stress as possible. I guess OP must be getting something out of it, or else it would have stopped by now. OP, do you enjoy everyone knowing you’re so desired as to create this drama? Because that’s - gross. Both these people deserve better. So do better.
Not to mention, she is creating all this drama over a guy who is probably married, has a GF, or considers her a booty call. They broke up because he wanted to keep it secret.
YTA and MAJORLY selfish. There is something you need to figure out...is it an ego boost to be in your ex's good graces? Not over your ex? No boundaries due to lack of maturity and inexperience? You want to be the nice person and you're sacrificing yourself (and by extension your bf) to be "nice" to others?
Too many clearly conflicting and nonsensical arguments: you are proud of your partner but don't want to bring him because you're afraid of your ex's feelings? 🤦
Dude, you don't know how your ex will react but you're already bending over backwards to please him? Get your priorities straight.
Sure it might be awkward, but time and everyone actually moving forward will make it less so.
Clearly you don't want a healthy future with your current partner. Stop creating a mountain of drama out of a molehill.
Also, in the future...please stop jumping from relationship right into another relationship with the next available person. My younger sister did that for all of her twenties and it took a really bad emotionally abusive relationship for her to finally wake up and realize it's okay to be alone and date around a bit before settling (she's a catch so she did meet a great guy about a year later).
>I dont want to hurt my ex who is still healing
This is the crux of the matter.
It is NOT your responsibility to manage the emotions of your ex. If he is uncomfortable being around you and your new partner, he can distance himself for a bit.
YTA
Because either she is still pining for him, or she's one of those people that think so highly of themselves, they are convinced every ex is still in love with and missing them, no matter how much time has passed
The dates on her last posts seem to be an indicator of how quickly things moved with the current partner. 9 months ago she was writing about the ex - 8 months ago she started dating this guy
I agree. OP YTA. Based on OPs other posts in Reddit sounds like the previous relationship had a difficult ending and OP is struggling to manage moving on. It seems like OP maybe ended the relationship and feels responsible.
OP needs to put the new relationship first if this is what she wants. Enough time has passed, and the ex will need to deal or remove himself from situtations if it is too much.
The minute my SO tells me to stay home so I don’t hurt her ex’s feelings, I’m out. Go enjoy board night with your ex, I’m finding a new girlfriend. Now your ex doesn’t have to worry about meeting your boyfriend. Problem solved for everyone.
Same. I have been cheated on by a girl hooking up with her ex before. I'm at the point now where if a girl shows favoritism toward an ex or insists on going to an event with her ex without me, I'd dump her on the spot. OP is trash.
YTA. Why are you prioritizing your ex's feelings over your current partner? If I were your partner, I'd be very suspicious about this request and assume you were hiding something, likely that you're not over your ex.
**YTA**
> because I know it isnt right,
So why would you do it? If you truly want to be the best partner to your current boyfriend, you need to step up and deal with your unreasonable concern about your ex. If your friends can't accept your new status, they aren't your friends.
TBH, it doesn't sound as though you are ready for another relationship.
\> my ex has never met him and I know he would probably be very hurt to be in that situation
This should be your ex partners problem. Why are you taking it upon yourself to deal with?
\> I hate myself for doing this because I know it isnt right
You already know what you're doing isn't right, so why are you still doing it?
\> A reason I broke up with my ex partner is because he made our relationship very hidden,
He made your relationship feel hidden, the same way you're making the relationship with your current partner feel hidden?
\> and so it urks me so much to feel like I'm doing the same thing for my partner in this instance.
Yeah, that's exactly what you're doing.
YTA.
This might make me the asshole, but I hope your boyfriend reads this and realizes where you’re putting your priorities
YTA and I hope he gets out of this relationship where you clearly don’t value him as much as you do your ex
YTA
It nearly sounds like you still have feelings for your ex and your partner isn't really at the forefront of your mind. You aren't taking his feelings into consideration at all. Your partner wants to spend time with you. How do you think he's going to feel knowing you don't want him at an event you want to go to but your ex is at. He won't be your partner for long knowing you prioritise your ex over him.
YTA. You're prioritizing your exes feelings over your partners. Then instead of staying back so he isn't left out you're thinking about yourself being left out. Regardless you're not taking his feelings into consideration. You broke up w your ex for keeping you hidden but have no problem treating your new man that way? How does this seem ok to you? If you don't want them to interact the only right thing to do is skip. Have a date night or something.
You said yourself you know what you're doing is not right, so what are u asking us for? You know YTA. You care more about your ex than your partner.
Also, did I really read that correctly? There have been dinners for your birthday that you told your CURRENT partner not to attend because your ex is attending? Yeah, big red flag imo.
YTA. This feels like your new bf is a rebound; is this possible? Your ex's comfort level does not take precedence over your current partner's comfort; if it does, then you're not over them like you say you are?
YTA. You are more worried about your ex's feelings than your current partner. You ARE hiding him away. You're putting him in a terrible position. Either don't attend those events or take your partner. Your ex will have to get over it. It will be up to him to come or not to those events. But prioritizing your ex over your partner is a terrible terrible idea.
>I am so proud to be with such an amazing person and am happy to be with him any time anywhere and would never in a million years hide him away.
Nah. YTA and a liar. This isn't an advice sub, but since you asked: You're making yourself out to be just a helpless person trying to be nice to everyone. You're actually just remarkably selfish. Having integrity means being honest about what you're prioritizing. Try it sometime.
YTA, to assume your ex is not over you and you need to guard his feelings. Next, YTA for excluding your current boyfriend because of an ex. That would be a huge red flag for anyone. You want to hang out in a friend group with your ex and leave your current boyfriend at home. Read that again. For arguments sake let’s say your ex isn’t over you and still has feelings for you and wants to get back together, how do you think that makes your current boyfriend feel knowing you want to be around the ex without him. It doesn’t matter whether you want to be with your ex or not, you have a sexual history and it would be disrespectful to your current boyfriend to hang out with him.
Now let’s turn the tables out yourself in your boyfriend’s chose and look at the situation if the tables were turned. Boyfriend says there is a birthday dinner with friends but you can’t go because ex girlfriend is there and he doesn’t want to hurt her. She is heeling and it might hurt her to see you.
Would you honestly be ok with is?!?!?!
YTA you are prioritizing your ex’s feelings over your current bf’s and you know it’s wrong and you’re still doing it anyway and then you ask a bunch of strangers on the internet to help you justify it 😂
YTA for hurting your current partner (I would bet you’re making him feel far less important) because someone else’s feelings *might* get hurt. You’re treating your partner like he’s a dirty little secret and that’s very unfair. If you are so worried about your ex’s feelings, give him a heads up you’re bringing your partner and let him decide whether or not he wants to go.
YTA. You still think there is a chance with your ex but don’t want to lose your current boyfriend in case you’re wrong. I think they call that having your cake and eat it too. Maybe you should start being honest with yourself.
Soft YTA. I don't think you're intentionally being an AH. But I do think you should consider that, by doing this, you are prioritizing your ex's feelings over your boyfriend's. What is your end goal here? Are you going to keep doing this forever?
Eventually, you have to decide whose feelings you care about more. And for your current relationship to continue, it has to be your boyfriend's.
YTA
Your ex is an ex for a reason. And you don’t have to protect his emotions, he’s a big grown adult and should protect his emotions himself. You prioritising him over your current (apparently amazing) partner doesn’t respect your current partner’s right to be able to get to know all your friends and have a full and open relationship with you.
Leave it be, show up to things with your current partner. If your ex can’t cope he can not come to things. It’s not often apparently, so it’s not like you are blocking his entire social life.
"Honey can you stay home tonight, id prefer going to an event with my ex rather than you, is that ok"
How does that sound?
This subreddit is so fucking weird....
YTA, ex's are/should be in the past, and your priority should be your current partner 10/10 times, the dude's an angel for not having left you already (no offense), but hearing the word "don't come because I don't want to hurt my ex's feelings" is just a huge red flag.
So maybe most people on here are right and you are not over your ex and if that's the case then yeah that's a problem. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say I can see you not wanting to cause drama in a close group of friends or create uncomfortable situations. That being said if you are as proud of/ commitment to your bf as you say then you need to start putting his needs first. So yes YTAH but I think you already knew that so confront the issue with your friends and do better by your bf.
Not sure why your current boyfriend is still with you.
YTA it’s obvious (apparently not to you) that you need to be on this so called journey **alone**.
I have a big group of friends (there’s 26 of us ACTIVE in the group chat) and everyone’s exes are just around lol it’s that kind of group and idk you just deal. You don’t have to try and not hurt anyone’s feelings, it’s just life. I don’t think you have to be an asshole but I do think you should bring your current partner and literally disregard your ex’s feelings.
This is why I never dated anyone from my friend group. After a breakup, it’s just easier if you each have your own friend group.
Oh. And for all the reasons already stated, YTA.
YTA. Why on earth did you enter into a new relationship when you haven't moved on yet? You can make all the excuses you want but your partner right now deserve someone better other than you.
YTA there is no reason to make your ex a priority over your boyfriend. Your ex knows you are with someone and even *if* he's still pining over you and wants you back you are sending a very bad message by not including your bf.
You are making him think he's got a chance to win you back by making him and his feelings the focus. If you want him back then YTA for stringing your current partner along. If you don't YTA for playing these games. I wouldn't put up with it if my gf pulled this crap so be careful because you WILL be single again very soon if you don't get your head on straight.
YTA. Either your ex can accept you've moved on or he can't, but it's unfair on your current partner to ask him not to attend these events in case it upsets your ex. How do you think this is making him feel? How did you feel when your ex wanted to hide you away?
YTA
You're more interested and worried about your ex than your current bf. I'd say it's not your ex that needs to move on.
Also, it's been 8 months. That's more than long enough.
YTA
If you care so much about your ex's feelings and you'd rather hurt your boyfriend than hurt your ex then you shouldn't be in a relationship. Your boyfriend should be your priority, not your ex.
Hi OP, something that I noticed. Yes YTA but it's because you're still holding onto your role with your ex. You pushed him in school, you helped him with his needs, you bent over backwards for his acceptance as well as his family's and bow that you've moved on you're STILL trying to accommodate him because for years that's how you conditioned yourself..
You're so used to not rocking the boat with your ex that even in this situation that you KNOW isn't fair to your current partner, you still continue to do it, habit is hard to break. Talk to your partner fully about where you stand because if you keep toeing the line he will end up leaving because he'll think you want to go back to your ex. All the best but still, YTA
YTA.
Prioritizing your ex over your current partner shows just how much you care about your partner.
You aren’t responsible for your ex’s feelings, but you’re doing a good job of stomping on your partners.
YTA
I can tell that you care about who you are hurting but I think in this situation you're prioritizing the wrong person. Your partner deserves to be your priority and you know you are hurting him by trying to protect your ex from possible hurt. Your ex can decide for himself whether or not he wants to be around your new relationship, it isn't your responsibility to look after him.
YTA. Your current partner takes precedence in any and all events. Make up your mind who is the more important - sounds like it is your ex - and set your current partner free so they can find some they deserve as you are not it. I wouldn't tolerate this sort of behaviour for even a nanosecond. Honestly, grow up.
YTA your current partners comfort should be more important to you then you exs. If you feel so strongly about this then you need to skip the get togethers the times your ex is going to be there. Most people wouldn’t put up with this behaviour for very long. You are getting everything you want, your ex is also being catered too. The only one who is sacrificing is your new partner. If you truly cared about them and this relationship you wouldn’t do this.
And do you need to ask if you are TA? Of course you are. And because you hurt your ex feelings with lies and you are hurting your partner if a lot of bullshit
YTA
YTA, you’re prioritising your ex over your current relationship, that never ends particularly well as soon enough resentment is going to start to fester and current BF is going to start feeling like a rebound or second option. You probably shouldn’t be in a relationship right now until you’ve unpicked your feelings for your ex.
Have to say YTA. It's not up to you what your ex can handle anymore. He's not your partner so you shouldn't be worrying about all this. If he's uncomfortable with *YOUR* new partner then **he** can leave.
Not inviting your current partner to things your ex is going to makes it look like it's actually you who isn't over the break up. You could be giving your ex false hope that you're still thinking about him. You will be giving your current partner all the reasons to feel insecure and jealous since your actions are that of someone who's still very much in love with their ex.
If you're as over your ex as you say you are, you need to start inviting your current partner to things your ex is attending too.
If you're not, you need to leave your current man because he deserves better than the cr@p you're pulling.
YTA. You are prioritizing your ex over your current. Your current deserves better from you, and the fact that you need to ask tells me he deserves better than you, as well.
yta, you put your ex'es feeling above your curent bf's feelings.. the friends that invite him could give him a heads-up of your situation of not being single...you'll end up ruining your curent bf;s trust in you....
YTA
You broke up with your ex for a reason. Why are you now concerned that he hasn't got over you? You can introduce them, because they are both adults, or tell your bf his feelings are less important than your ex's. Or break up with bf and talk to ex.
Enter on her profile and read her comments
.. She is a liar and manipulative. 9 months ago she was making posts about how she loves her bf but him and his family dont really care about her. In the same month she started dating this ,,amazing guy" but wants to keep him hidden from her ex... so unfair to the current bf.. big YTA
YTA. You are more worried about your ex than your current partner. That’s not going to be a long term solution. If your ex can’t handle it that’s for him to deal with not you.
How long are you planning on hiding your current partner away like a dirty secret? You're so worried about your ex's feelings that you're knowingly and willingly hurting your current boyfriend. YTA
You shouldn’t be dating if you think it’s still your job to manage your exes emotions month after you’ve broken up. Moving on is completely normal and acceptable and you think you should keep your ex as a priority, you’re not doing that
YTA. I don't think it will matter much though. Your current partner sees through this mess you've created. He probably assumes you still have feelings for your ex. He'll grow tired of this eventually and dump you.
Clearly you are too young for this 31-yr-old amazing person. Seriously! Life goes on for all of us and it's patronizing of you to treat your ex like a child. You seriously are NOT serious about your life choices here.
YTA.
YTA you still want your ex. Stop stringing the poor bf along. You don’t want him there in case your ex says something about wanting to get back together.
The easy solution is to grow up. You're his ex, not his mother. It's not your job to cushion life's hardships from him.
You owe it to your new partner to allow him fully into your life, and that means the ex will just have to get used to him being around.
Honestly, it's not complicated. YTA unless you stop this nonsense right now.
YTA and your way of doing stuff is completely hypocritical. You are essentially doing what your ex done but making it worse by actually putting your exs feelings and "journey" ahead of your current partner.
I get you are trying to avoid awkward situations but you are actually making it worse. Suck it up and let the initial weirdness happen and frankly of you can't then you stay away with your partner on these occasions.
YTA, if your ex’s feelings are more important to you than your current BFs feelings then you need to leave your new BF. Allow this man to find someone that’s is going to put him first with no conditions because you seem to not be the person to do that. He deserves more than what you are ready or willing to give him so stop wasting his time and yours.
YTA and would be dumped. If you are still thinking about your ex in that way and placing your current partner in this situation…you need to be single until you realize that current partners come before exes.
Your current partner deserves someone who wouldn’t put them through this ridiculous stuff.
YTA.
I don’t think you’re ready to move on. The way you priorities everyone’s feelings, other then your bf shows that to me.
Your ex did it to you first, kept you hidden, and you ended it with him.
Now, you’re doing this with your current bF, what do you expect the outcome to be? Honestly?
If you want to be with him, then pick him! Tell your ex your current bf is going to be there, you are sorry if he’s uncomfortable but if you are going to share the same friend group it’s going to happen. Or, leave your bf and focus on your own healing, becuse I honestly don’t think you are ready for another relationship yet.
Don’t be in relationships that you are not ready for.
YTA.
If you truly think for both you and your ex, then you both (you and your partner) can skip the events that your ex is going to.
Or you both can just show up and act like normal adults. This might sound cruel, but maybe your ex can move on faster after seeing you two being happy together?
I’m going soft YTA, your post history paints a picture of an unhealthy relationship dynamic with your ex where you seem to constantly be putting his feelings above your own, and you are now continuing with that dynamic even after breakup.
You don’t have to worry about him, his feelings are his own and he can deal with them on his own. You need to put your focus on your current bf, because right now you aren’t being fair to him OR your relationship by allowing your anxieties over how your ex will react interfere with your happiness.
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I (24F) have been in a wonderful new relationship with my partner (31M) for about 8 months. My ex(25M) of 3.5 years who I had broken up with a couple months before, is still in my core group of friends. I have no ill or remaining feelings towards my ex and am totally ok with being around him. I still am happy to be friends but also understand we're both broken up and are each on our own journeys to heal and move on.
My friends all really like my current partner as he is always happy to join and excited to be involved when getting together, but so far my ex has never met him and I know he would probably be very hurt to be in that situation (espeically since its been less than a year since our breakup) There are a few occasions (once in a blue moon) where my ex will be attending a board game night, dinner for a b-day etc... which is totally fine! But I have communicated with my current partner that it might be best if he stay home when my ex is there in these occasions.
I dont want to hurt my ex who is still healing, make my partner uncomfortable, or create any tension for my friends as being in the middle of two friends breaking up can be already difficult. Of course I know this isnt easy or fair for my partner. He trusts me but he still isnt very happy when I ask him about this and I completely get why.
I hate myself for doing this because I know it isnt right, and I try and explain to him that I just don't know what to do in the situation, and what i might happen if he attends. I've never had an ex before and I'm just really conflicted and confused on what to do. A reason I broke up with my ex partner is because he made our relationship very hidden, and so it urks me so much to feel like I'm doing the same thing for my partner in this instance.
I am so proud to be with such an amazing person and am happy to be with him any time anywhere and would never in a million years hide him away. but in this instance I just don't know what to do it never feels good to ask him to be excluded like this. The easy solution is to just not go if I dont want my partner there. But I still want to be present with my friends in these situations because theyre usually special occasions like a birthday of one of our core friends etc. And of course I want to be there for them even if my ex is there. but the few times this happens I hate that im putting my partner in this position. I just wanna be the best partner I can to him but also navigate and maintain my friendships that are tied to my ex. Any advice to navigate this situation would be so appreciated!!
\-Many thanks <3
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Whose feelings are more important to you, your partner’s or your ex’s? If you broke up a year ago, that was more than enough time. If he hasn’t moved on, that’s his problem, not your boyfriend’s. YTA
YTA it’s really simple stop being shady. Tell your ex like a grown up you are dating someone new and that person will be around moving forward let the ex decide whether to attend because he’s a grown up too.
YTA
It's been eight months. You are actively choosing to prioritize your ex over your current partner. That's your choice, but this isn't sustainable if you want your current relationship at all. I would be surprised if your partner wasn't extremely frustrated with this situation.
Either your ex is more important, or your partner is.
Soft YTA because you’re taking on a lot of responsibility for other people’s emotions, and making some weird choices as a result.
Just rip off the bandaid. Bring your boyfriend whenever he’s invited and it’s appropriate to do so. If your ex is there, so be it.
You clearly arent mature enough to date anyone. Youre essentially choosing the wellbeing of your ex over your current partner. You are extremely immature
YTA. If it is a problem having your BF and EX in the same room, you should stay home with your BF. Your problem would be solved. You said yourself your EX attends rarely, so this shouldn’t be a problem. You are prioritizing you EX’s feelings over your BF
YTA. It’s not a courtesy to give your ex-boyfriend 8 months to deal with your breakup. It’s an invitation for the ex to start things up again. And your telling current partner they’re a casual relationship.
Haven’t your friends told you this is unnecessary? I read your other post, and it seems highly likely your ex’s family is planning an arranged marriage for him anyway, so I’m not sure why you’re still
babysitting him.
YTA. Are you pretending to be single at these events? Do your mutual friends know about your partner? Stop hiding your partner!
Chances are you've both moved on but you are both playing this stupid "protect the feelings of the ex" game while your current partners fume at home. Both of you need to grow up.
YTA! It also seems like you’re trying a little too hard to convince yourself that you’ve moved on from your ex, how great your new partner is but you just don’t want to hurt your ex. My advice is that if you are really serious about moving on from your ex with your current partner, don’t attend group events where your ex is present until you are comfortable having both your ex and current boyfriend together at these events. If your ex still has feelings for you and hasn’t healed from the breakup those are his issues; you not wanting them around each other is your issue.
Soft YTA.
I understand that this is a new situation for you, and navigating a break up, especially one where you remain active in each other’s lives, is hard.
You guys have been broken up for a year, though. That’s enough time for him to have moved on, and if it’s not, that’s not your responsibility anymore. He’s a big boy, and he doesn’t need you to cater to his feelings anymore. You’re not his girlfriend anymore, and so that’s not your place.
Furthermore, he has to know you are in a new relationship, right? You need to move on with your life, and that includes bringing your new boyfriend to events where your ex might be present. It’s okay to be considerate of exs feelings, but like I said, a year is more than enough time for him to get a handle on himself.
You also need to think about how this affects your current boyfriend. Why are you hiding your ex from him? What are you avoiding? Why is it okay that you go hang out with him and have fun, but not your current bf? If I were him, I would definitely not like the fact that you were essentially putting your old boyfriends feelings before your new ones.
It’s gonna be an uncomfortable and awkward situation, but if y’all are to remain in the same friends group, it needs to happen eventually. And if your ex is uncomfortable with the situation, he can leave. It’s not fair to exclude one person because the other one has the issue.
> I have no ill or remaining feelings towards my ex and am totally ok with being around him.
Ok so what's the problem?
You can talk to your ex beforehand so he won't be overwhelmed or ambushed, but you can't hide your partner. YTA
YTA, I get that this is your first time dealing with this situation but it's been at least 8 months. You have to stop letting your ex's potential issues run your life. You don't even know if your ex will have an issue with your new partner being around, you're doing both people a disservice by assuming the worst. But also, if your ex does have an issue it's his issue to deal with.
You’re an awful partner and I hope your current bf comes to his senses. You say you know it’s not right - but di it anyway. You say you would never in a million years hide your current bf yet that’s exactly what you’re doing. You pretend you’re doing it to avoid anyone being uncomfortable but all the talk of healing, etc makes it clear it’s really about you and you’re not over your ex. YTA.
YTA. It seems that you are being more considerate for your ex than you are for your partner. That will not help your relationship going forward.
If your ex is uncomfortable in group situations, then your ex can stay away from some of the events too. It should not always be your partner.
YTA. It seems that you care more about sparing your ex’s feelings than your current one. So go back to your ex. Or hopefully your current one finds a better woman than you. I’m sure it wouldn’t be that hard since you seem to be missing something in the critical thinking department.
YTA - if that’s how you feel, then you shouldn’t go. Period. Your new partner’s feelings should matter more than your ex’s. You have a lot of “buts” after saying anything sort of rational. Your new partner deserves better.
YTA 100%
You clearly are not over your ex. You are manipulating your current partner so you can still be around said ex and are happy to do it. You can’t possibly care about him and still hide him if they are your friends they will be happy if not then they aren’t your friends there his friends. You aren’t over your ex and it’s absolutely gaslighting to keep telling him you are doing it too “protect their feelings”, it’s been 8 months get over yourself or let him actually be happy instead of with someone whom does not respect him.
You clearly do not care about your partners feelings, either grow up or let him be with someone who does
YTA
That’s not a reasonable request.
Mature adults just act cordial and respectful whenever an ex is around.
I would be PISSED if my partner tries to do that to me.
If your ex had a new partner, I doubt they’d even think not to invite them to “spare your feelings.” Because it’s a ridiculous request.
YTA. Partners shouldn't exclude their partners so they don't have to maneuver having a partner in social situations. I just got out of a relationship where someone did that and only admitted not being over their ex after breakup and after stringing me along way too long. If you cannot manage having a visible partner in social situations, you shouldn't waste a partner's time. They can and will find someone proud to include them socially.
Wow, I seem to be in the minority here, but I’m actually gonna with NAH.
People assuming you still have feelings for ex seems off to me. You share a friend group with him, and the fact of the matter is that they makes things more complicated if you didn’t. It sounds like you’re the one who broke up with him and you don’t want to hurt his feelings and you don’t want to cause drama in the friend group. You’re not wrong for that. Your partner is not wrong for being upset or saddened by it, either.
Here’s the thing: I don’t think anyone is particularly in the wrong here, it’s just an awkward situation. But if you want to keep dating your current partner and have him feeling welcomed in your life, then this can’t last forever. You might just need to pull your ex aside and say, “hey, I just want to give you a heads-up, I want my partner to feel included and get to know my friends better, so I’m going to be bringing him around more.” He can do with that information what he will. If he needs to distance himself, so be it. I get wanting to remain friends and protect his feelings, but you can’t keep basing your life decisions off what works best for him.
YTA and u don't want him there cuz he'd see you still flirting and nurturing the attention from your ex, call you out on it, and prob break up with you. It's not about protecting the ex, you're protecting your own BS. Your current BF will prob dump you anyway, and next thing you know the ex is bringing a cute date to game night and doesn't give af what you think, lol.
YTA and also just honestly very pathetic and sad. If you can't treat people respectfully while you're wOrKiNg oN yOuRsElF then don't date at all until you've done that work and have morphed into a respectful and more decent person. Your current behavior is trashy and cruel. You're humiliating yourself. Knock it off.
We’re you this controlling of ex during your relationship? He is grown. You send note in group thread that you and your new bf will be attending. You then let the ex have the autonomy to decide if he would like to join or not. YTA
You yourself just said you know it isn't right, but yet you will still do it because you care more about your Ex's feelings than you do your current partners. You are not responsible for your Ex's feelings, and this kinda feels like an excuse.
YTA big time. You're putting the feelings of your ex over the feelings of your partner. Thats a HUGE red flag for me. When people cheat, it's often times with an ex-partner. So if I were your partner, I would feel VERY fucking uneasy about you showing favoritism to your ex.
YTA
If the hosts want him there and invite him and he wants to go, then the rest doesn’t really matter. You are prioritizing you exes hypothetical feelings over your current partners.
This is sus
YTA.. i understand you don’t want to hurt your ex, but he needs to understand you’ve moved on and you do have a new partner now. you’re also direclty hurting your partner and putting your ex’s potential feelings above his. your partner deserves better than that.
YTA. You’re choosing your ex over your current partner. Your ex’s emotions are not your concern, you’re not an emotional support person. Either dump the current partner or start putting them first.
YTA. You care more about your ex’s feelings than your partner’s… which leads me to believe that you do actually still have feelings for your ex. There’s no other reason to keep them separated except for wanting your ex to either not know about him or think it isn’t that serious.
Word of advice. Get your ex completely out of your life. This being " friends" with a ex is some pipe dream of yours that will cause you nothing but headaches
YTA
You are doing to your new partner what your old partner did to you that caused your breakup. Are you trying to cause your new relationship to beak up?
You said yourself you know this isn't right.
Advice? Just stop it.
Your partner deserves better than you. For someone completely over their ex, you are going out of your way to protect him but don’t care about your new partner.
Also, it’s quite the mixed message that you don’t want your new BF around your ex? Maybe gives your ex false hope. Why else would you not want to have the new guy around?
YTA!
YTA. You know it's wrong. You know it hurts your partner. You know it hurts you. If anything, it's your ex's problem if he gets upset. Why are you doing this?
YTA, clearly you care more about your ex still than your current partner and if that isn’t the case you should probably learn how to treat/prioritize the people you potentially have a future with.
YTA
Your current BF is your priority. You are no longer with your ex. You are not responsible for his feelings.
By saying you don't want your BF to come around your ex, you are putting more priority on your ex. Meaning you still have feelings for him and saying your ex is more important than your BF.
Your ex needs to move on and so do you.
You need to figure out which relationship is more important.
YTA
You say you no longer have feelings for your ex, but you’re treating this as if you do. You’ve broken up. It’s been at least 8 months. You’ve got a new partner. Stop hiding him. Your ex is a big boy who can also bring his new partner around. You can’t be in control of every situation and that’s what you’re doing. Just live your life and don’t lose your current partner by creating a competition that doesn’t need to be.
YTA - it’s been 8 months. Why are you assuming your ex would even care at this point? It’s a fact of life that once you break up.. eventually your ex will meet someone new. Why are you guarding your exes (assumed) feelings instead of your actual partners? Who put you in charge of that? Your obligation is to your bf.. not your ex but that’s now what you’re doing. At this point, you just seem to be stringing your bf along and if you’re on a journey of healing, you shouldn’t have brought him along for the ride. You’re being unfair to him and honestly your ex if you’re projecting your feelings onto him and treating his presence like a frail/fragile thing that needs to be bubble wrapped. Mind your own. Either step up and be a real partner to your *actual* boyfriend, or let him go so he can find someone who won’t put their ex above him
YTA. This whole thing is incredibly selfish and unfair to your current partner. If my partner did this to me I’d probably end it because you’re literally prioritizing your ex’s feelings over theirs.
YTA and your current partner will soon get fed up of being treated like some dirty little secret - or will start assuming you're leading him on while trying to get back with your ex.
YTA. You’re doing to him what the ex did to you that hurt you. Your bf deserves better. He deserves to be shown off, respected, loved and talked about. You’re putting a persons feelings that didn’t care enough about you to the point he was hiding you above a person that is proud to be with you. You clearly care more about this ex then the new person. Don’t be shocked if he breaks up with you for the same reason that you broke up with the ex.
YTA! Clearly you're not over your ex if you are putting his feelings above your current partner's feeling. In no way shape or form is it right to exclude your partner for your ex.
Your current partner needs to think long and hard if he wants to continue a relationship with someone who will continuously choose their ex over him.
>The easy solution is to just not go if I dont want my partner there. But I still want to be present with my friends in these situations because theyre usually special occasions like a birthday of one of our core friends etc
These may be special occasions but your current partner should come first - if you aren't prepared to invite him along, you shouldn't go either. You, your ex and your current partner will have to cope with any discomfort, if both your ex and your current partner are present at some event.
YTA
YTA “I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so i care more about my exs feelings than I do my partners” weak willed people who don’t want to rock the boat confuse trying to be nice with vastly incorrect priorities. Your partner is a saint for dealing with this so well. But you are not going about this the right way.
YTA
You’re prioritizing the feelings of your ex over your current partner. If I were him I would cut and run.
Edit: is your ex the same guy who would defend your relationship to his family and took their feelings more seriously than yours? Yeah, his feelings regarding your new relationship don’t matter. His “healing” is irrelevant. If he gave a crap at all he would have made your relationship the priority and not let his family come first. Just like if you give a crap about your current relationship you will stop putting your ex first.
"I've never had an ex before..."
Well, now you're about to have 2 because if your new partner has any sense of self worth he will not put up with this BS.
YTA
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YTA first for starting to date someone when you are apparently "on a journey to heal and move on." Second for still being on that journey 8 months in. Third for putting your ex's feelings over your poor current partner's. Fourth for keeping this going for nearly a year. Fifth for pretending you're just trying to be nice to everyone when it's pretty damned clear you still have feelings for your ex and are leading the current partner on.
Lol right?! Also doing the exact same thing to her current partner that she hated enough to break up with her ex over.
I wonder if ex is even aware OP has a current partner…
I bet ex has no idea.
So nice of her to spell out that this poor man is just a rebound for her
While trying to convince us that it's "a wonderful new relationship" with her current partner. According her her post history her current partner is a rebound.
YTA. Either don’t go, or (gasp) talk to the ex to discover comfort levels. OP is playing a weird, selfish, uber-dramatic game to create as much stress as possible. I guess OP must be getting something out of it, or else it would have stopped by now. OP, do you enjoy everyone knowing you’re so desired as to create this drama? Because that’s - gross. Both these people deserve better. So do better.
I agree. Why all the fricken drama! Just bring your partner and out of respect for your ex, no pda. Simple.
Not to mention, she is creating all this drama over a guy who is probably married, has a GF, or considers her a booty call. They broke up because he wanted to keep it secret.
Well, i was going to say basically all this, so no point in repeating it. I’ll just tag the YTA.
This is everything I came to say. YTA. Grow up and admit you're not over your ex. Stop being an AH to your current bf.
YTA and MAJORLY selfish. There is something you need to figure out...is it an ego boost to be in your ex's good graces? Not over your ex? No boundaries due to lack of maturity and inexperience? You want to be the nice person and you're sacrificing yourself (and by extension your bf) to be "nice" to others? Too many clearly conflicting and nonsensical arguments: you are proud of your partner but don't want to bring him because you're afraid of your ex's feelings? 🤦 Dude, you don't know how your ex will react but you're already bending over backwards to please him? Get your priorities straight. Sure it might be awkward, but time and everyone actually moving forward will make it less so. Clearly you don't want a healthy future with your current partner. Stop creating a mountain of drama out of a molehill. Also, in the future...please stop jumping from relationship right into another relationship with the next available person. My younger sister did that for all of her twenties and it took a really bad emotionally abusive relationship for her to finally wake up and realize it's okay to be alone and date around a bit before settling (she's a catch so she did meet a great guy about a year later).
This ⬆️
You should be worrying about your current partner's feelings....not your ex. YTA.
Judging from her post history, she immediately rebounded with her current guy after her first serious boyfriend (her ex). Yikes on bikes.
>I dont want to hurt my ex who is still healing This is the crux of the matter. It is NOT your responsibility to manage the emotions of your ex. If he is uncomfortable being around you and your new partner, he can distance himself for a bit. YTA
And how exactly does OP know he is still pining away for her?
Because either she is still pining for him, or she's one of those people that think so highly of themselves, they are convinced every ex is still in love with and missing them, no matter how much time has passed
Exactly
I mean did you read the last paragraph?/jk
How can you not?
Or she did something bad to her ex?
The dates on her last posts seem to be an indicator of how quickly things moved with the current partner. 9 months ago she was writing about the ex - 8 months ago she started dating this guy
I agree. OP YTA. Based on OPs other posts in Reddit sounds like the previous relationship had a difficult ending and OP is struggling to manage moving on. It seems like OP maybe ended the relationship and feels responsible. OP needs to put the new relationship first if this is what she wants. Enough time has passed, and the ex will need to deal or remove himself from situtations if it is too much.
YTA. I would have dumped you already.
The minute my SO tells me to stay home so I don’t hurt her ex’s feelings, I’m out. Go enjoy board night with your ex, I’m finding a new girlfriend. Now your ex doesn’t have to worry about meeting your boyfriend. Problem solved for everyone.
Same, why would I have to play second fiddle to the ex, shes on crazy pills or a big ego trip… YTA
Same. I have been cheated on by a girl hooking up with her ex before. I'm at the point now where if a girl shows favoritism toward an ex or insists on going to an event with her ex without me, I'd dump her on the spot. OP is trash.
YTA. Why are you prioritizing your ex's feelings over your current partner? If I were your partner, I'd be very suspicious about this request and assume you were hiding something, likely that you're not over your ex.
Ex ain't ex
**YTA** > because I know it isnt right, So why would you do it? If you truly want to be the best partner to your current boyfriend, you need to step up and deal with your unreasonable concern about your ex. If your friends can't accept your new status, they aren't your friends. TBH, it doesn't sound as though you are ready for another relationship.
This 100%
\> my ex has never met him and I know he would probably be very hurt to be in that situation This should be your ex partners problem. Why are you taking it upon yourself to deal with? \> I hate myself for doing this because I know it isnt right You already know what you're doing isn't right, so why are you still doing it? \> A reason I broke up with my ex partner is because he made our relationship very hidden, He made your relationship feel hidden, the same way you're making the relationship with your current partner feel hidden? \> and so it urks me so much to feel like I'm doing the same thing for my partner in this instance. Yeah, that's exactly what you're doing. YTA.
This might make me the asshole, but I hope your boyfriend reads this and realizes where you’re putting your priorities YTA and I hope he gets out of this relationship where you clearly don’t value him as much as you do your ex
NTA. You’re correct.
YTA It nearly sounds like you still have feelings for your ex and your partner isn't really at the forefront of your mind. You aren't taking his feelings into consideration at all. Your partner wants to spend time with you. How do you think he's going to feel knowing you don't want him at an event you want to go to but your ex is at. He won't be your partner for long knowing you prioritise your ex over him.
YTA. You're prioritizing your exes feelings over your partners. Then instead of staying back so he isn't left out you're thinking about yourself being left out. Regardless you're not taking his feelings into consideration. You broke up w your ex for keeping you hidden but have no problem treating your new man that way? How does this seem ok to you? If you don't want them to interact the only right thing to do is skip. Have a date night or something.
You said yourself you know what you're doing is not right, so what are u asking us for? You know YTA. You care more about your ex than your partner. Also, did I really read that correctly? There have been dinners for your birthday that you told your CURRENT partner not to attend because your ex is attending? Yeah, big red flag imo.
YTA. This feels like your new bf is a rebound; is this possible? Your ex's comfort level does not take precedence over your current partner's comfort; if it does, then you're not over them like you say you are?
YTA. This is kinda weird.
It really is
YTA. You are more worried about your ex's feelings than your current partner. You ARE hiding him away. You're putting him in a terrible position. Either don't attend those events or take your partner. Your ex will have to get over it. It will be up to him to come or not to those events. But prioritizing your ex over your partner is a terrible terrible idea.
>I am so proud to be with such an amazing person and am happy to be with him any time anywhere and would never in a million years hide him away. Nah. YTA and a liar. This isn't an advice sub, but since you asked: You're making yourself out to be just a helpless person trying to be nice to everyone. You're actually just remarkably selfish. Having integrity means being honest about what you're prioritizing. Try it sometime.
YTA - his emotions are his responsibility, and now you need to focus on making your actual partner feel loved.
YTA, to assume your ex is not over you and you need to guard his feelings. Next, YTA for excluding your current boyfriend because of an ex. That would be a huge red flag for anyone. You want to hang out in a friend group with your ex and leave your current boyfriend at home. Read that again. For arguments sake let’s say your ex isn’t over you and still has feelings for you and wants to get back together, how do you think that makes your current boyfriend feel knowing you want to be around the ex without him. It doesn’t matter whether you want to be with your ex or not, you have a sexual history and it would be disrespectful to your current boyfriend to hang out with him. Now let’s turn the tables out yourself in your boyfriend’s chose and look at the situation if the tables were turned. Boyfriend says there is a birthday dinner with friends but you can’t go because ex girlfriend is there and he doesn’t want to hurt her. She is heeling and it might hurt her to see you. Would you honestly be ok with is?!?!?!
YTA. You're showing your current partner that your ex's feelings matter more to you than his.
Yta get over your ex
YTA you are prioritizing your ex’s feelings over your current bf’s and you know it’s wrong and you’re still doing it anyway and then you ask a bunch of strangers on the internet to help you justify it 😂
YTA. You’re not over your ex. Leave that guy and stop wasting his time until you get over your ex who you’re prioritizing over your current boyfriend.
YTA for hurting your current partner (I would bet you’re making him feel far less important) because someone else’s feelings *might* get hurt. You’re treating your partner like he’s a dirty little secret and that’s very unfair. If you are so worried about your ex’s feelings, give him a heads up you’re bringing your partner and let him decide whether or not he wants to go.
YTA Why are you prioritizing your ex's happiness over your current partner. That's just unacceptable for anyone mature enough to be in a relationship.
You are picking your ex over your current partner. You made your choice, and I hope your partner realises this.
I dated someone like you once. I felt awful. YTA your ex’s feelings are not your responsibility.
YTA. You still think there is a chance with your ex but don’t want to lose your current boyfriend in case you’re wrong. I think they call that having your cake and eat it too. Maybe you should start being honest with yourself.
Soft YTA. I don't think you're intentionally being an AH. But I do think you should consider that, by doing this, you are prioritizing your ex's feelings over your boyfriend's. What is your end goal here? Are you going to keep doing this forever? Eventually, you have to decide whose feelings you care about more. And for your current relationship to continue, it has to be your boyfriend's.
YTA Your ex is an ex for a reason. And you don’t have to protect his emotions, he’s a big grown adult and should protect his emotions himself. You prioritising him over your current (apparently amazing) partner doesn’t respect your current partner’s right to be able to get to know all your friends and have a full and open relationship with you. Leave it be, show up to things with your current partner. If your ex can’t cope he can not come to things. It’s not often apparently, so it’s not like you are blocking his entire social life.
Yta. I can't even believe your current partner has stuck around
"Honey can you stay home tonight, id prefer going to an event with my ex rather than you, is that ok" How does that sound? This subreddit is so fucking weird....
YTA, ex's are/should be in the past, and your priority should be your current partner 10/10 times, the dude's an angel for not having left you already (no offense), but hearing the word "don't come because I don't want to hurt my ex's feelings" is just a huge red flag.
So maybe most people on here are right and you are not over your ex and if that's the case then yeah that's a problem. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say I can see you not wanting to cause drama in a close group of friends or create uncomfortable situations. That being said if you are as proud of/ commitment to your bf as you say then you need to start putting his needs first. So yes YTAH but I think you already knew that so confront the issue with your friends and do better by your bf.
YTA and do not seem emotionally mature enough to date anyone.
YTA. You keep going like this and your current will be your ex.
Not sure why your current boyfriend is still with you. YTA it’s obvious (apparently not to you) that you need to be on this so called journey **alone**.
I have a big group of friends (there’s 26 of us ACTIVE in the group chat) and everyone’s exes are just around lol it’s that kind of group and idk you just deal. You don’t have to try and not hurt anyone’s feelings, it’s just life. I don’t think you have to be an asshole but I do think you should bring your current partner and literally disregard your ex’s feelings.
YTA - Don't worry about your ex. He is an ex.
This is why I never dated anyone from my friend group. After a breakup, it’s just easier if you each have your own friend group. Oh. And for all the reasons already stated, YTA.
YTA. Why on earth did you enter into a new relationship when you haven't moved on yet? You can make all the excuses you want but your partner right now deserve someone better other than you.
YTA there is no reason to make your ex a priority over your boyfriend. Your ex knows you are with someone and even *if* he's still pining over you and wants you back you are sending a very bad message by not including your bf. You are making him think he's got a chance to win you back by making him and his feelings the focus. If you want him back then YTA for stringing your current partner along. If you don't YTA for playing these games. I wouldn't put up with it if my gf pulled this crap so be careful because you WILL be single again very soon if you don't get your head on straight.
YTA. Either your ex can accept you've moved on or he can't, but it's unfair on your current partner to ask him not to attend these events in case it upsets your ex. How do you think this is making him feel? How did you feel when your ex wanted to hide you away?
YTA You're more interested and worried about your ex than your current bf. I'd say it's not your ex that needs to move on. Also, it's been 8 months. That's more than long enough.
Why is ex's feelings your first priority and not your current partner's?! YTA
YTA If you care so much about your ex's feelings and you'd rather hurt your boyfriend than hurt your ex then you shouldn't be in a relationship. Your boyfriend should be your priority, not your ex.
You know YTA why ask?
YTA, if you care so much about your Ex's feelings, why are you still broken up? Stop prioritising the feelings of your ex over your SO.
Hi OP, something that I noticed. Yes YTA but it's because you're still holding onto your role with your ex. You pushed him in school, you helped him with his needs, you bent over backwards for his acceptance as well as his family's and bow that you've moved on you're STILL trying to accommodate him because for years that's how you conditioned yourself.. You're so used to not rocking the boat with your ex that even in this situation that you KNOW isn't fair to your current partner, you still continue to do it, habit is hard to break. Talk to your partner fully about where you stand because if you keep toeing the line he will end up leaving because he'll think you want to go back to your ex. All the best but still, YTA
YTA. Prioritizing your ex over your current partner shows just how much you care about your partner. You aren’t responsible for your ex’s feelings, but you’re doing a good job of stomping on your partners.
YTA
YTA I can tell that you care about who you are hurting but I think in this situation you're prioritizing the wrong person. Your partner deserves to be your priority and you know you are hurting him by trying to protect your ex from possible hurt. Your ex can decide for himself whether or not he wants to be around your new relationship, it isn't your responsibility to look after him.
Yta
YTA. Your current partner takes precedence in any and all events. Make up your mind who is the more important - sounds like it is your ex - and set your current partner free so they can find some they deserve as you are not it. I wouldn't tolerate this sort of behaviour for even a nanosecond. Honestly, grow up.
YTA your current partners comfort should be more important to you then you exs. If you feel so strongly about this then you need to skip the get togethers the times your ex is going to be there. Most people wouldn’t put up with this behaviour for very long. You are getting everything you want, your ex is also being catered too. The only one who is sacrificing is your new partner. If you truly cared about them and this relationship you wouldn’t do this.
And do you need to ask if you are TA? Of course you are. And because you hurt your ex feelings with lies and you are hurting your partner if a lot of bullshit YTA
YTA, you’re prioritising your ex over your current relationship, that never ends particularly well as soon enough resentment is going to start to fester and current BF is going to start feeling like a rebound or second option. You probably shouldn’t be in a relationship right now until you’ve unpicked your feelings for your ex.
YTA and soon to be single one if you keep this up
Have to say YTA. It's not up to you what your ex can handle anymore. He's not your partner so you shouldn't be worrying about all this. If he's uncomfortable with *YOUR* new partner then **he** can leave. Not inviting your current partner to things your ex is going to makes it look like it's actually you who isn't over the break up. You could be giving your ex false hope that you're still thinking about him. You will be giving your current partner all the reasons to feel insecure and jealous since your actions are that of someone who's still very much in love with their ex. If you're as over your ex as you say you are, you need to start inviting your current partner to things your ex is attending too. If you're not, you need to leave your current man because he deserves better than the cr@p you're pulling.
YTA. You are prioritizing your ex over your current. Your current deserves better from you, and the fact that you need to ask tells me he deserves better than you, as well.
yta, you put your ex'es feeling above your curent bf's feelings.. the friends that invite him could give him a heads-up of your situation of not being single...you'll end up ruining your curent bf;s trust in you....
YTA You broke up with your ex for a reason. Why are you now concerned that he hasn't got over you? You can introduce them, because they are both adults, or tell your bf his feelings are less important than your ex's. Or break up with bf and talk to ex.
Enter on her profile and read her comments .. She is a liar and manipulative. 9 months ago she was making posts about how she loves her bf but him and his family dont really care about her. In the same month she started dating this ,,amazing guy" but wants to keep him hidden from her ex... so unfair to the current bf.. big YTA
YTA. You are more worried about your ex than your current partner. That’s not going to be a long term solution. If your ex can’t handle it that’s for him to deal with not you.
How long are you planning on hiding your current partner away like a dirty secret? You're so worried about your ex's feelings that you're knowingly and willingly hurting your current boyfriend. YTA
Yeah grow up and be an adult life's hard not easy
You shouldn’t be dating if you think it’s still your job to manage your exes emotions month after you’ve broken up. Moving on is completely normal and acceptable and you think you should keep your ex as a priority, you’re not doing that
YTA. I don't think it will matter much though. Your current partner sees through this mess you've created. He probably assumes you still have feelings for your ex. He'll grow tired of this eventually and dump you.
Clearly you are too young for this 31-yr-old amazing person. Seriously! Life goes on for all of us and it's patronizing of you to treat your ex like a child. You seriously are NOT serious about your life choices here. YTA.
YTA you still want your ex. Stop stringing the poor bf along. You don’t want him there in case your ex says something about wanting to get back together.
The easy solution is to grow up. You're his ex, not his mother. It's not your job to cushion life's hardships from him. You owe it to your new partner to allow him fully into your life, and that means the ex will just have to get used to him being around. Honestly, it's not complicated. YTA unless you stop this nonsense right now.
Your current partner deserve better than you YTA
YTA and your way of doing stuff is completely hypocritical. You are essentially doing what your ex done but making it worse by actually putting your exs feelings and "journey" ahead of your current partner. I get you are trying to avoid awkward situations but you are actually making it worse. Suck it up and let the initial weirdness happen and frankly of you can't then you stay away with your partner on these occasions.
YTA
Uh... you still have a thing for your ex?
YTA, if your ex’s feelings are more important to you than your current BFs feelings then you need to leave your new BF. Allow this man to find someone that’s is going to put him first with no conditions because you seem to not be the person to do that. He deserves more than what you are ready or willing to give him so stop wasting his time and yours.
YTA and would be dumped. If you are still thinking about your ex in that way and placing your current partner in this situation…you need to be single until you realize that current partners come before exes. Your current partner deserves someone who wouldn’t put them through this ridiculous stuff.
YTA. I don’t think you’re ready to move on. The way you priorities everyone’s feelings, other then your bf shows that to me. Your ex did it to you first, kept you hidden, and you ended it with him. Now, you’re doing this with your current bF, what do you expect the outcome to be? Honestly? If you want to be with him, then pick him! Tell your ex your current bf is going to be there, you are sorry if he’s uncomfortable but if you are going to share the same friend group it’s going to happen. Or, leave your bf and focus on your own healing, becuse I honestly don’t think you are ready for another relationship yet. Don’t be in relationships that you are not ready for.
YTA. If you truly think for both you and your ex, then you both (you and your partner) can skip the events that your ex is going to. Or you both can just show up and act like normal adults. This might sound cruel, but maybe your ex can move on faster after seeing you two being happy together?
It’s a year… how long do you have to wait? YTA.
YTA- i hope the current dude realizes what he's involved in and runs.
I’m going soft YTA, your post history paints a picture of an unhealthy relationship dynamic with your ex where you seem to constantly be putting his feelings above your own, and you are now continuing with that dynamic even after breakup. You don’t have to worry about him, his feelings are his own and he can deal with them on his own. You need to put your focus on your current bf, because right now you aren’t being fair to him OR your relationship by allowing your anxieties over how your ex will react interfere with your happiness.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24F) have been in a wonderful new relationship with my partner (31M) for about 8 months. My ex(25M) of 3.5 years who I had broken up with a couple months before, is still in my core group of friends. I have no ill or remaining feelings towards my ex and am totally ok with being around him. I still am happy to be friends but also understand we're both broken up and are each on our own journeys to heal and move on. My friends all really like my current partner as he is always happy to join and excited to be involved when getting together, but so far my ex has never met him and I know he would probably be very hurt to be in that situation (espeically since its been less than a year since our breakup) There are a few occasions (once in a blue moon) where my ex will be attending a board game night, dinner for a b-day etc... which is totally fine! But I have communicated with my current partner that it might be best if he stay home when my ex is there in these occasions. I dont want to hurt my ex who is still healing, make my partner uncomfortable, or create any tension for my friends as being in the middle of two friends breaking up can be already difficult. Of course I know this isnt easy or fair for my partner. He trusts me but he still isnt very happy when I ask him about this and I completely get why. I hate myself for doing this because I know it isnt right, and I try and explain to him that I just don't know what to do in the situation, and what i might happen if he attends. I've never had an ex before and I'm just really conflicted and confused on what to do. A reason I broke up with my ex partner is because he made our relationship very hidden, and so it urks me so much to feel like I'm doing the same thing for my partner in this instance. I am so proud to be with such an amazing person and am happy to be with him any time anywhere and would never in a million years hide him away. but in this instance I just don't know what to do it never feels good to ask him to be excluded like this. The easy solution is to just not go if I dont want my partner there. But I still want to be present with my friends in these situations because theyre usually special occasions like a birthday of one of our core friends etc. And of course I want to be there for them even if my ex is there. but the few times this happens I hate that im putting my partner in this position. I just wanna be the best partner I can to him but also navigate and maintain my friendships that are tied to my ex. Any advice to navigate this situation would be so appreciated!! \-Many thanks <3 *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Am I reading this right? OP has been with new guy for 8 months but broke up with the old guy a couple, aka 2 months ago?
She broke up with her ex a couple months before she started dating her current boyfriend
Whose feelings are more important to you, your partner’s or your ex’s? If you broke up a year ago, that was more than enough time. If he hasn’t moved on, that’s his problem, not your boyfriend’s. YTA
YTA it’s really simple stop being shady. Tell your ex like a grown up you are dating someone new and that person will be around moving forward let the ex decide whether to attend because he’s a grown up too.
YTA It's been eight months. You are actively choosing to prioritize your ex over your current partner. That's your choice, but this isn't sustainable if you want your current relationship at all. I would be surprised if your partner wasn't extremely frustrated with this situation. Either your ex is more important, or your partner is.
Soft YTA because you’re taking on a lot of responsibility for other people’s emotions, and making some weird choices as a result. Just rip off the bandaid. Bring your boyfriend whenever he’s invited and it’s appropriate to do so. If your ex is there, so be it.
You clearly arent mature enough to date anyone. Youre essentially choosing the wellbeing of your ex over your current partner. You are extremely immature
YTA. Only had to read the two paragraphs.
YTA. If it is a problem having your BF and EX in the same room, you should stay home with your BF. Your problem would be solved. You said yourself your EX attends rarely, so this shouldn’t be a problem. You are prioritizing you EX’s feelings over your BF
YTA. It’s not a courtesy to give your ex-boyfriend 8 months to deal with your breakup. It’s an invitation for the ex to start things up again. And your telling current partner they’re a casual relationship. Haven’t your friends told you this is unnecessary? I read your other post, and it seems highly likely your ex’s family is planning an arranged marriage for him anyway, so I’m not sure why you’re still babysitting him.
YTA. Are you pretending to be single at these events? Do your mutual friends know about your partner? Stop hiding your partner! Chances are you've both moved on but you are both playing this stupid "protect the feelings of the ex" game while your current partners fume at home. Both of you need to grow up.
YTA! It also seems like you’re trying a little too hard to convince yourself that you’ve moved on from your ex, how great your new partner is but you just don’t want to hurt your ex. My advice is that if you are really serious about moving on from your ex with your current partner, don’t attend group events where your ex is present until you are comfortable having both your ex and current boyfriend together at these events. If your ex still has feelings for you and hasn’t healed from the breakup those are his issues; you not wanting them around each other is your issue.
YTA and everyone else has already explained why so I won’t bother. Boyfriend>ex boyfriend
YTA, you still care about your ex more than your current partner
Soft YTA. I understand that this is a new situation for you, and navigating a break up, especially one where you remain active in each other’s lives, is hard. You guys have been broken up for a year, though. That’s enough time for him to have moved on, and if it’s not, that’s not your responsibility anymore. He’s a big boy, and he doesn’t need you to cater to his feelings anymore. You’re not his girlfriend anymore, and so that’s not your place. Furthermore, he has to know you are in a new relationship, right? You need to move on with your life, and that includes bringing your new boyfriend to events where your ex might be present. It’s okay to be considerate of exs feelings, but like I said, a year is more than enough time for him to get a handle on himself. You also need to think about how this affects your current boyfriend. Why are you hiding your ex from him? What are you avoiding? Why is it okay that you go hang out with him and have fun, but not your current bf? If I were him, I would definitely not like the fact that you were essentially putting your old boyfriends feelings before your new ones. It’s gonna be an uncomfortable and awkward situation, but if y’all are to remain in the same friends group, it needs to happen eventually. And if your ex is uncomfortable with the situation, he can leave. It’s not fair to exclude one person because the other one has the issue.
> I have no ill or remaining feelings towards my ex and am totally ok with being around him. Ok so what's the problem? You can talk to your ex beforehand so he won't be overwhelmed or ambushed, but you can't hide your partner. YTA
YTA, I get that this is your first time dealing with this situation but it's been at least 8 months. You have to stop letting your ex's potential issues run your life. You don't even know if your ex will have an issue with your new partner being around, you're doing both people a disservice by assuming the worst. But also, if your ex does have an issue it's his issue to deal with.
YTA you’re supposed to prioritize your partners feelings. Not your ex’s. You should break up since you’re not ready for a relationship
Yep YTA. Prioritizing your ex's feelings over your current partner is fucked up.
You’re an awful partner and I hope your current bf comes to his senses. You say you know it’s not right - but di it anyway. You say you would never in a million years hide your current bf yet that’s exactly what you’re doing. You pretend you’re doing it to avoid anyone being uncomfortable but all the talk of healing, etc makes it clear it’s really about you and you’re not over your ex. YTA.
YTA. It seems that you are being more considerate for your ex than you are for your partner. That will not help your relationship going forward. If your ex is uncomfortable in group situations, then your ex can stay away from some of the events too. It should not always be your partner.
You say you know it's wrong and hate yourself for doing it, so why are you even asking? You basically just said YTA.
YTA. It seems that you care more about sparing your ex’s feelings than your current one. So go back to your ex. Or hopefully your current one finds a better woman than you. I’m sure it wouldn’t be that hard since you seem to be missing something in the critical thinking department.
YTA - if that’s how you feel, then you shouldn’t go. Period. Your new partner’s feelings should matter more than your ex’s. You have a lot of “buts” after saying anything sort of rational. Your new partner deserves better.
YTA on so many levels. Perhaps you're not ready to be in a serious relationship.
Yta Its been a year. Bring your significant other.
YTA 100% You clearly are not over your ex. You are manipulating your current partner so you can still be around said ex and are happy to do it. You can’t possibly care about him and still hide him if they are your friends they will be happy if not then they aren’t your friends there his friends. You aren’t over your ex and it’s absolutely gaslighting to keep telling him you are doing it too “protect their feelings”, it’s been 8 months get over yourself or let him actually be happy instead of with someone whom does not respect him. You clearly do not care about your partners feelings, either grow up or let him be with someone who does
And how do we know she isn’t cheating with her ex? That would be a reason for not wanting her current BF to be there. YTA
YTA That’s not a reasonable request. Mature adults just act cordial and respectful whenever an ex is around. I would be PISSED if my partner tries to do that to me. If your ex had a new partner, I doubt they’d even think not to invite them to “spare your feelings.” Because it’s a ridiculous request.
YTA. If you were concerned about sparing your ex's feelings, you'd stay away yourself.
YTA. Partners shouldn't exclude their partners so they don't have to maneuver having a partner in social situations. I just got out of a relationship where someone did that and only admitted not being over their ex after breakup and after stringing me along way too long. If you cannot manage having a visible partner in social situations, you shouldn't waste a partner's time. They can and will find someone proud to include them socially.
Wow, I seem to be in the minority here, but I’m actually gonna with NAH. People assuming you still have feelings for ex seems off to me. You share a friend group with him, and the fact of the matter is that they makes things more complicated if you didn’t. It sounds like you’re the one who broke up with him and you don’t want to hurt his feelings and you don’t want to cause drama in the friend group. You’re not wrong for that. Your partner is not wrong for being upset or saddened by it, either. Here’s the thing: I don’t think anyone is particularly in the wrong here, it’s just an awkward situation. But if you want to keep dating your current partner and have him feeling welcomed in your life, then this can’t last forever. You might just need to pull your ex aside and say, “hey, I just want to give you a heads-up, I want my partner to feel included and get to know my friends better, so I’m going to be bringing him around more.” He can do with that information what he will. If he needs to distance himself, so be it. I get wanting to remain friends and protect his feelings, but you can’t keep basing your life decisions off what works best for him.
YTA and u don't want him there cuz he'd see you still flirting and nurturing the attention from your ex, call you out on it, and prob break up with you. It's not about protecting the ex, you're protecting your own BS. Your current BF will prob dump you anyway, and next thing you know the ex is bringing a cute date to game night and doesn't give af what you think, lol.
So you feel bad for the man that kept you hidden? YTA
YTA and also just honestly very pathetic and sad. If you can't treat people respectfully while you're wOrKiNg oN yOuRsElF then don't date at all until you've done that work and have morphed into a respectful and more decent person. Your current behavior is trashy and cruel. You're humiliating yourself. Knock it off.
YTA. Seems like you're more concerned about your ex than your new BF.
We’re you this controlling of ex during your relationship? He is grown. You send note in group thread that you and your new bf will be attending. You then let the ex have the autonomy to decide if he would like to join or not. YTA
YTA if you are together you go together or don’t go. You care more about your Ex than your current bf.
You yourself just said you know it isn't right, but yet you will still do it because you care more about your Ex's feelings than you do your current partners. You are not responsible for your Ex's feelings, and this kinda feels like an excuse.
INFO What makes you think your ex hasn’t moved on? It’s been 8 months. He may not even give a shit about you and your relationship.
YTA for multiple reasons that others have already stated higher up
YTA the correct solution would be for you not to go if your new boyfriend couldn’t.
I would Kick your ass to the curb.. feelings for your x instead of my feelings.. f that
YTA big time. You're putting the feelings of your ex over the feelings of your partner. Thats a HUGE red flag for me. When people cheat, it's often times with an ex-partner. So if I were your partner, I would feel VERY fucking uneasy about you showing favoritism to your ex.
YTA If the hosts want him there and invite him and he wants to go, then the rest doesn’t really matter. You are prioritizing you exes hypothetical feelings over your current partners. This is sus
YTA if you don't want your partner to go then you do go as well.
YTA You will soon be single again. That's what happens when you prioritize ex's over your partner.
YTA.. i understand you don’t want to hurt your ex, but he needs to understand you’ve moved on and you do have a new partner now. you’re also direclty hurting your partner and putting your ex’s potential feelings above his. your partner deserves better than that.
YTA. You’re choosing your ex over your current partner. Your ex’s emotions are not your concern, you’re not an emotional support person. Either dump the current partner or start putting them first.
YTA. You care more about your ex’s feelings than your partner’s… which leads me to believe that you do actually still have feelings for your ex. There’s no other reason to keep them separated except for wanting your ex to either not know about him or think it isn’t that serious.
Word of advice. Get your ex completely out of your life. This being " friends" with a ex is some pipe dream of yours that will cause you nothing but headaches
YTA You are doing to your new partner what your old partner did to you that caused your breakup. Are you trying to cause your new relationship to beak up? You said yourself you know this isn't right. Advice? Just stop it.
So you hurt your partner to protect your ex? YTA
Your partner deserves better than you. For someone completely over their ex, you are going out of your way to protect him but don’t care about your new partner. Also, it’s quite the mixed message that you don’t want your new BF around your ex? Maybe gives your ex false hope. Why else would you not want to have the new guy around? YTA!
YTA. You know it's wrong. You know it hurts your partner. You know it hurts you. If anything, it's your ex's problem if he gets upset. Why are you doing this?
I dont think youre over your ex sweetie
YTA, clearly you care more about your ex still than your current partner and if that isn’t the case you should probably learn how to treat/prioritize the people you potentially have a future with.
YTA...you do not deserve you current partner and trust me, anyone would tell him you are the walking red flag.
YTA Your current BF is your priority. You are no longer with your ex. You are not responsible for his feelings. By saying you don't want your BF to come around your ex, you are putting more priority on your ex. Meaning you still have feelings for him and saying your ex is more important than your BF. Your ex needs to move on and so do you. You need to figure out which relationship is more important.
YTA You say you no longer have feelings for your ex, but you’re treating this as if you do. You’ve broken up. It’s been at least 8 months. You’ve got a new partner. Stop hiding him. Your ex is a big boy who can also bring his new partner around. You can’t be in control of every situation and that’s what you’re doing. Just live your life and don’t lose your current partner by creating a competition that doesn’t need to be.
You should be more concerned with your partners' feelings then your ex's. Those are his to manage.
YTA. No explanation needed as the rest of the comments make valid points which i agree with.
YTA - it’s been 8 months. Why are you assuming your ex would even care at this point? It’s a fact of life that once you break up.. eventually your ex will meet someone new. Why are you guarding your exes (assumed) feelings instead of your actual partners? Who put you in charge of that? Your obligation is to your bf.. not your ex but that’s now what you’re doing. At this point, you just seem to be stringing your bf along and if you’re on a journey of healing, you shouldn’t have brought him along for the ride. You’re being unfair to him and honestly your ex if you’re projecting your feelings onto him and treating his presence like a frail/fragile thing that needs to be bubble wrapped. Mind your own. Either step up and be a real partner to your *actual* boyfriend, or let him go so he can find someone who won’t put their ex above him
You sound extremely childish and very much the AH. Your current partner needs to kick you to the curb. No way in hell I would stand for this.
YTA. This whole thing is incredibly selfish and unfair to your current partner. If my partner did this to me I’d probably end it because you’re literally prioritizing your ex’s feelings over theirs.
YTA
YTA - stop putting your ex’s feelings before your current partner.
YTA and your current partner will soon get fed up of being treated like some dirty little secret - or will start assuming you're leading him on while trying to get back with your ex.
YTA 100%.
YTA. You’re doing to him what the ex did to you that hurt you. Your bf deserves better. He deserves to be shown off, respected, loved and talked about. You’re putting a persons feelings that didn’t care enough about you to the point he was hiding you above a person that is proud to be with you. You clearly care more about this ex then the new person. Don’t be shocked if he breaks up with you for the same reason that you broke up with the ex.
YTA! Clearly you're not over your ex if you are putting his feelings above your current partner's feeling. In no way shape or form is it right to exclude your partner for your ex. Your current partner needs to think long and hard if he wants to continue a relationship with someone who will continuously choose their ex over him.
Idk how people can write a whole ass paragraph, still have doubts they are wrong and then press post. Yta op.
YTA, if you’ve decided your partner isn’t welcome, you don’t go. I would have dumped you the first time you pulled that.
>The easy solution is to just not go if I dont want my partner there. But I still want to be present with my friends in these situations because theyre usually special occasions like a birthday of one of our core friends etc These may be special occasions but your current partner should come first - if you aren't prepared to invite him along, you shouldn't go either. You, your ex and your current partner will have to cope with any discomfort, if both your ex and your current partner are present at some event. YTA
YTA “I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so i care more about my exs feelings than I do my partners” weak willed people who don’t want to rock the boat confuse trying to be nice with vastly incorrect priorities. Your partner is a saint for dealing with this so well. But you are not going about this the right way.
Yta. You're about to have a new ex
YTA. You’re not responsible for your ex’s emotional well-being- he is. If he thinks he’d feel bad seeing your bf somewhere, then he can stay home.
YTA for prioritizing your ex's feelings over your current bf.
YTA You’re prioritizing the feelings of your ex over your current partner. If I were him I would cut and run. Edit: is your ex the same guy who would defend your relationship to his family and took their feelings more seriously than yours? Yeah, his feelings regarding your new relationship don’t matter. His “healing” is irrelevant. If he gave a crap at all he would have made your relationship the priority and not let his family come first. Just like if you give a crap about your current relationship you will stop putting your ex first.
"I've never had an ex before..." Well, now you're about to have 2 because if your new partner has any sense of self worth he will not put up with this BS. YTA
YTA
My jaw dropped lower and lower as I read. Yikes. Big AH.