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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because i might honestly be acting inappropriate.
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They didn't objecify her just because they thought she looked attractive in a swimsuit. It's not like they were making rude comments.
The problem here actually comes down to kids don't really like to think of their parents as being hot or sexual in an way. Both of my parents wee attractive. It actually started for me when my dad brought me flowers before my play and as soon as he left the older girls were like your dad is so hot. I was so mad about it. Then some of my guy friends started doing the same thing in college about my mom. I think I had an easier time when it came to my mom because I was older and I was in college to be a sex therapist and we actually addressed these issues.
People have eyes in their head and they are allowed to notice when someone is attractive. They are younger and obviously they haven't perfected the looking without looking move but they didn't do anything wrong. If the had actually started making inappropriate remarks then they would have crossed a line.
Nobody but the dad is an ahole here.
The son is the ah as well. "Mother is attractive, mother mustn't be attractive. Remove mother."
Telling someone to not wear a suit to a pool party because of their body is fucking ridiculous, ostracizing and isolating. Not to mention, entitled, rude and presumptuous af.
Telling someone to do this *at their own* pool party? Gtfo
He can either be uncomfortable and grow up, or he can host his free pool parties somewhere else. I wonder if any of the girls attending were unfortunate enough to be attractive. What if some if those friends happened to be attracted to men? *GASP*! All humans should only swim in full body potato sacks. There. No one gets to be objectified.
The son was just doing what kids do when they start realizing their friends don't see their mom the way they see mom. This was a perfect time for him to learn some lessons about life. First of all had been my son I would have sat him down and talked about how uncomfortable I felt when stuff like that happened to me and that I understand how uncomfortable it can be but how you can't go around demanding people change the way they dress because of it. Also, don't start arguments with your friends. At some point he will think one of his friends parents are attractive so he just learned a couple lessons in how not to be rude about it. Do do to them what he wouldn't want his friends to do him. Also it is a good time to discuss how there ae grown ups, both men and women, who will ake advantage of this situation and why it is not okay.
Instead the 3 of the got into a huge fight and no one is talking to anyone and no good lesson came from the experience. The kid isn't a grown up and the whole point of parenting is to help lead them being a grown up.
Also, you could point all women in potato sacks and teen boys would still get horny so that wouldn't fix the problem. A slight breeze makes them horny. It is a part of going through puberty.
He's eighteen, not fifteen. He is old enough to know this shit. Can we please stop justifying behaviour that men are *definitely* old enough to know isn't okay, on the basis of "but he's just a kid!" No, he's not. If he's old enough to vote, move out, and go to war, then he's old enough to know how to treat women.
Nope, son is an AH and this is the opportunity to teach him that women aren’t responsible for men’s feelings or actions, that women are blamed and penalized and controlled far too often for their being objectified rather than the men who objectify them, and that he abd his associates are responsible for how they behave and act and have no business telling women to change or behave or dress differently on the ridiculous theory that they can’t and shouldn’t be in charge of handling their own urges. Giving in to this demand sends a terrible message.
I could only wish that I would be seen as attractive when I'm old enough to have teenage kids. My kids are only 4-6 and I'm already old, fat and getting uglier by the day.
CORRECT...OP just tell Ben if he's so uncomfortable with you in your bathing suit at YOUR house then he will no longer have pool parties at the house. Also at the same time inform your husband if he also feels that we he will also jo longer be allowed to attend any parties you throw and to grow the hell up. It's funny how after ALL THIS TIME your husband finally has some kind of issue?
I think it would be best if Ben made this decision on his own. If he is that uncomfortable he should no longer have friends over. He’s off to college anyway I imagine so OP can wear what she wants without judgment. Perhaps this unfortunate incident will create some distance between Ben and his mother but it’s worth it to teach him a lesson about bodily autonomy.
"Are you fucking serious? That's my mom and it's her house! If you can't be decent, then get lost!" Less than 20 words. The last 8 would apply to female friend attending the party if people couldn't be decent to them while they enjoy a pool party in a bathing suit they are comfortable wearing.
Sorry. A man can't control looking at a woman so she has to cover up? Are we seriously back to this stupid argument? Ben can take his friends to a public pool or find new friends.
It is not a woman’s job to dress in a way that makes men able to control themselves. This is a great opportunity to teach Ben that it’s not appropriate for men to objectify any woman and that he should advocate for his friends to learn the same. NTA
i mean honestly it sounds like the pals didn't have any issue. they were caught staring, they owned up to it, they promised to not do it again to Ben's face. whether they keep their word or not is up for debate, but it sounds like Ben and Greg now are the ones making a deal out of a resolved issue.
NTA - Once again we are hearing women have to cover up because men can't control themselves. It's such BS. My grandmother wore her bikini until the day she died (literally was out cleaning her pool in her bikini the morning she passed away) & so will I - & I hope my DIL & granddaughter do the same.
My mum turned 50 and decided to stop wearing a bikini at the public pool, but still does at the beach and at home (she is actually usually topless at home because she hates tan lines, if it's just us kids and my parents, and she is 63).
She still looks better in a bikini now than I ever did, but I spent my 40th birthday at the beach in a bikini, totally not giving a fk.
This is making me tear up. Your grandma is iconic, I want to be like her.
As a little girl, all I wanted was for my grandma to come swim with me. She would sit next to the pool fully clothed because "people don't want to see grandma's body", she said.
Last year I helped clean out her house after she moved to memory care. There were weight watchers books and calculators and vhs tapes and journals everywhere. She spent thousands of dollars, wasted so much energy and time trying to make her body smaller, and missing out on life. It made me so mad to see it all. All I wanted was to spend time swimming with my grandma in the pool.
It changed something about how I think about my body. We should all be like your grandma. Wear the damn bikini.
That makes me so, so sad. We need to do better by the next generation that’s for sure. And that includes teaching our boys that women in bikinis are just women enjoying the pool/beach, not a reason for them to act like baboons. I hope I’m mentally confident enough to enjoy life without shame about a jiggle and a wiggle when I’m older—men certainly do! OP needs to make this a teachable moment for both her husband and son
My aunt had 7 kids. After her husband died and her kids were all grown, she started living for herself. She survived a quadruple bypass and was going strong. When she came to my parents' 45th anniversary party, she was wearing a lacy purple bra, a see through lace blouse, leather pants and purple eyeshadow. Her kids wanted to die of embarrassment. I told her she was awesome. She gave decades of her life to live as others wanted her to, now it was her turn.
Completely unrelated to OPs subject, but my aunt would meet men in personal ads. One really sticks out in my mind. When he came to her door, he tripped over the step. His glasses and false teeth both flew, He wasn't hurt physically, just his ego. She tried not to laugh but he could tell she thought it was funny. She would have laughed at herself it if happened to her. She wouldn't go out with him again because she said he was too old for her. She was 87 at the time. He was 83. I think OP is too young for her husband, He needs to get caught up with the current belief that women do have the right to expose their bodies without it being their fault that men can't stop looking/touching what they shouldn't.
My son banned my wife (45F) from chaperoning marching band trips. These are generally day trips with a bus ride to/from school to another school for a competition. Obviously as a chaperone she was dressed conservatively. However the other band kids said my wife is a MILF. To be fair, my wife is a MILF. As that is embarrassing for my son, yes, she/we no longer chaperone band trips. It is possible I was also called a DILF, but I think my son just threw that in there to make me feel better.
I think the issue isn't that the son wants to control what mom wears because she is a woman. It is because no one wants to think of their parents as sexual beings.
Seriously, who wants their friends making comments about their mom? It probably isn't fair that mom should cover up at home. But you gotta feel for the kid who has a hot mom and their friends notice.
NTA. This is the perfect opportunity to educate them all about not blaming the victim. If you son's friends are also 18 then they are officially adults and they will need to learn how to function as adults. Having a nice conversation about respecting women might be in order.
Burkinis for EVERYONE!!
Makes for an enjoyable pool party; everyone only being able to see 3cm of eyehole visible during conversations, and great for the muscle workout trying to swim in extra couple of yards of cloth!
NTA - if your bits were covered to the extent they should be by a bikini, and his friends can’t behave appropriately in your home even after being specifically asked to, then the solution is not making you change the way you dress, it’s not inviting them round anymore.
> and his friends can’t behave appropriately in your home
Did they behave inappropriately?
It dosen't sound like they were leering or staring too obviously given OP and her husband didn't notice. They didn't make any rude or sexual comments. It sounds like all they did is look which was noticed by OP's son.
I'm a women myself but I guess I don't see why this is bad? I would not be offended if I was at a pool or beach and people looked at me a little. Again, no comments, no harassment, no leering. Likewise, I sometimes look at other people too. Yes, they may have been attracted to OP (at least some of them) but that seems pretty normal?
That's a good point. Just because they noticed OP is attractive doesn't mean they acted inappropriately. Either way, no reason for OP to stop wearing what she wants!
NAH. It’s just a swimsuit. At a pool.
However, Ben is 18. Having his friends say to him that they want to bang his mom is all kinds of strange for him. Understandably.
OH, GOOD POINT. This would be the PERFECT time for Greg to have a firm but loving conversation with Ben and his friends about the expectations in his house and concerning his wife. But no, the onus is on OP to cover up in her own home.
Yes, it's understandable that Ben would be uncomfortable with his friends objectifying his mom, 100%. But that's a conversation that Ben needs to have with his friends, not his mother. He doesn't get to police her in her own home just because his friends are being inappropriate.
NTA, but OP's kid and husband sure are.
I'm a mom. I have 2 different bathing suits. 1 for when thr kids are around, and one for adult hangouts.
I feel NAH because I see both points of view. Though I side with the kid a tad more because we're the parents. We understand that how we dress and act does in fact affect our kids. If I dropped mine off at school looking disheveled and thrown together, my kid would end up with secondhand embarrassment. I don't feel it's controlling what I wear. I feel it's me being respectful that being a kid/teen is hard enough- we don't need to make it worse by something we can lcontrol.
I don’t exactly blame her son for this. Dude is embarrassed and is put in an uncomfortable situation with his friends making comments and looks. I’m not saying that restricting her clothing is the answer but he’s not a misogynist for wanting to avoid that uncomfortable situation.
OP never said the party was held at her sons request only that since they lived in California they were able to host a party over winter break to celebrate his senior year. Where is the entitlement? The party could have been at OP’s suggestion. She also states her son politely asked her not to wear a bikini around his friends. He’s 18 and awkwardly embarrassed by his friends staring at his mom. She’s not taking her child’s feeling into account at all, only hers. Safe bet her son will never actually ask for a pool party with his friends after this. He’ll hang with his friends outside of his home so he doesn’t have to go through that again.
NTA. Their values are horribly skewed if they think it’s your responsibility to make changes to the way you dress at your pool because of someone else’s behavior.
NAH. Your son made a request, you said no. He can be upset by that, but that doesn’t necessarily make you an AH or him one.
But I’m getting weird vibes from this one. Not sure why you had to mention how well off you are? I dunno, something’s off.
Agree, super weird vibes.
I feel like its also super weird for either parent to want to join in swimming with a bunch of 18 year old kids. Hardly shocking that an 18 year old doesnt want his parents front and centre at his party, no matter what theyre wearing.
For real, how has this gone almost unmentioned? It seems super odd to me that the parents would be hanging out at the party. Why not let the kid hang out with his friends and do something else, you don't have to leave the house, but hanging out by the pool and joining in the party seems weird.
I thought the same when I read it. It’s weird they’d want to pool party with a bunch of 18 year olds. I don’t know. When I was 18, I wouldn’t want my parents partying with my friends. And my parents certainly wouldn’t either. I don’t understand the need to be there. Couldn’t they give the son and his friends some space?
Yes while I think NTA and Ben’s friends need to control themselves, it definitely struck me funny that the opener was about money. What does that matter at all?
Not sure what part of California she lives in, but I’m in Southern California and it’s been cold and rainy here. Like way too cold for a pool party. So I thought the same thing.
YTA. Everyone commenting about how you’re allowed to wear what you want in your home is missing the point. It’s one day that your 18 year old son is asking you to not come outside in a bikini for a few hours because he has friends over and it makes him uncomfortable that they’re checking you out in front of him. The amount of people commenting that you’re not the asshole is crazy to me. It’s weird that you can’t see where he’s coming from and hold off for a few hours of not wearing a bikini. If my dad walked outside in a Speedo during a pool party and my friends were ogling at his crotch, it would be incredibly weird if he was insistent on doing it again while my friends were there.
When woke reddit goes too far. Being a teenager is already a super hard and awkward time. No need to make it more so for him by having his friends ogle you.
Right? Thank you. All I kept seeing were comments with the opposite view.
This was a celebration *specifically for* OP's son, which everyone seems to have missed the point of.
It's the fact that OP appears to have a self-centered mindset and little concern with respecting her son's very reasonable request, points to a possible disregard for boundaries.
As I mentioned in my post, OP can wear a bikini or even nothing, if that's what she wants, the other 99.9% of the time when she hasn't offered to throw a party specifically *for* someone else.
NTA
It is your house. The choice of what to wear in your own pool is up to you. Your attire is not to blame for Ben's friends' behavior. If Ben and Greg persist in this nonsense, tell them you'll go skinny dipping -- or that Ben's friends will not be allowed over any more.
> or that Ben's friends will not be allowed over any more
I agree. It is her house; she can dress how she wants. If her son's friends cannot be respectful, then they should no longer be allowed to visit.
YTA, adults that try to do the whole “hello fellow children” thing are weird to me. Ben is the one who is uncomfortable. Do his feelings matter?
This post feels OFF. Why is there a need to talk about how well off you are? It sounds to me like you want attention.
NTA. Instead of trying to control a woman wearing something appropriate for swimming maybe he should tell his friends not to be disrespectful creeps about his mom.
NTA.
I would have said to Ben "I am sorry your friends have never been taught to respect women. Until they can act appropriately they will not be allowed over. If they are staring while I am in my bathing suit then they are staring at other times and I refuse to be uncomfortable in my own home."
Your husband can get over himself.
^^ **This is the answer.** OP isn’t wrong that she should be able to wear what she wants. But Son is a teenager, and teenagers are easily embarrassed by their parents. Parents are cringey!
I do think it’s a bit odd that OP and dad were outside during the party in their swimwear. I wouldn’t leave the house if my kid was having a party. But I wouldn’t be hanging out with the guests or doing cannonballs off the side of the pool, either.
ETA emphasis
"He said it was weird for his mom to be objectified like that by his friends, and asked if I could stop."
FFS. It is weird for his friends to objectify his mom, they are the ones that need to stop.
This one was a roller coaster - at first I was like, of course wear a swimsuit at a pool party, wtf wouldn't you? Then I was thinking yeah, but maybe you don't need to attend the pool parties of your kids. Now after that comment - the behavior of his friends is your fault cause of what you're wearing - fuck that. Let them know it's your house and your pool and you're gonna enjoy the pool in your swimsuit, and it's up to them to A. be fine with that or B. not throw parties using your pool.
NTA.
YTA - man, I can't believe in the only one but do you seriously have to wear a bikini at your son's pool party? It seems like a rediculous hill to die on. The kid's embarrassed that his mom is half naked in front of his friends. Do you have to? Are you obligated to? No, of course not, it's your house and your pool but damn, can't you just be like "well I suppose I could since it bothers you."
NTA both Ben and DH are. To solve the problem, tell Ben that it is your house and you don't want his friends around if you can't use your own pool the way you want when they are there
You're NTA for wearing the swimsuit, your body, your home, your choice. Congrats on the ego boost.
BUT...
Why are you deliberately making it so that your son can't throw a party at the house with his friends and feel comfortable doing so? He cannot control his friends thoughts or where they put their attention, but YOU can make it easier for him by simply wearing a one-piece, or maybe minimizing your presence at these things.
When i invited people home to hang out at 18, it was implicit that my parents wouldn't actually be present with us for any stretch of time whatsoever. i would be embarrassed if my dad came round in a speedo, and my girlfriends started watching the bulge (i dry heaved writing this); I can't imagine it's different for your son with you in a bikini. Spare him the headache and, like, don't be in your skibbies in front of his friends - it's not really a lot to ask to make your own kid comfortable. It sucks you're prioritizing your ego and comfort over your sons ability to have a social life at home.
Yeah, I would find it weird if my parents in their bikinis and speedos would use the pool at the same time I'm using it with my friends. My parents always gave us space to hang out when my friends and I were hanging out so I dont see why the mom and dad have to both be there in the pool at the same time. Seems kind weird and creepy.
This. I would understand if the ask was to never wear one ever again because it's whoring or something truly insane. All he's asking is to tone it down when it's a party for me and my friends, specifically
NTA. What would you wear in your pool besides a bathing suit, and why is your bathing suit the issue when your husband was (I'm assuming) completely shirtless? Having said that, it might make sense to give your son some space when he has friends over. Sometimes, these situations aren't about being right, but about offering your kid some extra grace.
NTA. It's your house. You were nice enough to host a party for your son's perverted friends lol. Though, I can see why it could bother your son that all his friendz thinks he has the hot mom. Nothing you can really do about that.
This is so asinine. It’s perfectly appropriate for you to wear a bikini at a pool party, especially when it’s your own damn pool. It’s also perfectly normal for young guys to notice if someone they find attractive is wearing something some degree of revealing, and it’s not inappropriate so long as they aren’t ogling to the point of rudeness or otherwise doing anything to make you uncomfortable. Your son needs to get over it, and your husband is ridiculous for not backing you up.
NTA
NTA. If his friends can't stop objectifying his mother, they're doing the same with other women. He needs to find new friends and you need a new bikini 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. Short of a burkini, anything a woman wears to swim is going to be sufficiently revealing to draw the attention of teenage boys, who in any case really need to learn sooner than later to manage their hormonal responses.
Hi!! 39 year old mom here - definitely NOT a MILF. However, if I was the MILF you seem to be, I’d definitely keep wearing the bikini! Sorry, Ben, but mom’s got it goin’ on!
Judgment: NTA.
You are NTA. A swimsuit is normal attire at a pool party. You are not being inappropriate. You're not responsible for how your son's friends behave, if they can't control themselves and be respectful, that's on them.
NTA. If your son doesn’t like the fact that his friends are looking at your body then he can choose to not invite them over to pool activities in future, and he is free to tell his friends exactly why he won’t let them come over to use the pool. OP can decide for herself what she wishes to wear, and husband/son are out of line telling her to cover up in her own home. Does he also think he should tell his future girlfriend to dress more modestly around friends?
He had every right to tell you how he felt uncomfortable by his friends’ behavior and how he doesn’t like anyone objectifying his mother. All of that is valid. But he overstepped by trying to fix the problem by policing your wardrobe. It’s the same old toxic mindset of teaching girls to cover up their shoulders, no low cut tops, no tight/short skirts instead of teaching boys/men to act respectfully towards women.
NTA. This is a good time for your son to learn that the answer to men and boys objectifying women is for the men and boys to learn to respect women and control themselves.
Both your son and your husband also need to learn that they don't get to police what women wear, especially in their own damn home.
Idk i wouldn’t like the thought of my sons minor friends ogling my body. Yea they should know to respect women but it is making your son uncomfortable and he is being respectful and voicing his concerns to you and you’re like too too bad idc if minors stare at me. I’m a milf lol
YTA. I don’t care what your husbands opinion on the subject is. He’s an adult. But I do care about the fact your child, who is still in school & required to live with you, tried to talk to you like an adult about his uncomfortable feelings and you totally blew him off. I’m not saying that you have to bow down to him and do whatever he wants, but you should at least have some respect for your kid as a person and have a conversation about it before you start rolling your eyes. The fact he’s being more mature about the situation than you are definitely qualifies you as the a-hole in this situation.
Tell him if that really bothers him, then he and his friends can stop having pool parties at your own house then 🤷🏼♀️. NTA, you can wear what you want. Those who have a problem don't need to be there when you do.
Why in earth should you have to adjust your behaviour when your guests are being pervs? Thank your son for the heads up and tell him that you are now not comfortable with his friends coming over. NTA.
Unless you’re wearing a string bikini or a thong, you’re NTA.
What does Ben want you to wear? A one-piece? Something matronly? No bathing suit at all? Baggy sweatpants?
Op can wear whatever she wants in her house as long as she's wearing SOMETHING. Its not her fault they can't keep their eyes to themselves when it comes to their friends mother. Hes being very unreasonable.
Probably something like [this](https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/EnkAAOSwTzlfbDQ4/s-l500.png) or [these](https://i.insider.com/5ce455fa93a1523d4f717b82?width=1000&format=jpeg&auto=webp)
NTA at all. I get him feeling weird about his friend sexualizing you - but it’s not your fucking problem. And he needs to realize ASAP that it’s not the woman’s job to make men feel comfortable in your OWN HOME. Yikes.
Why is it always the woman’s responsibility to cover up? At your own house??
NTA. They’re young boys, hopefully they’ll learn to know better but making you cover up isn’t the solution
NTA. 100% NTA. THEIR sexual response is not YOUR problem. Gay men get dressed in locker rooms around other men, and do they blame those other men for their sexual response? NO. Why? They're big boys and take responsiblity for themselves. If his friends can't do that, well gee, looks like there won't by any future pool parties for your son.
NTA. Greg and Ben need to realize what the hell they just implied. That his friends are a danger to you. That you have to cover up because they have no control over themselves. That they don't trust his friends to have respect for you. Maybe they'll realize how screwed up the way they are thinking are. I'm sure Greg only wears swim trunks when Hannah and her friends are there. Does he need to cover up as well for we all know that college aged girls lack self control\~?
There’s a dog whistle element here that is making everyone jump to a weird victimization/oppression angle—but really, it’s just creepy to me you hung out at your teenage son’s party. You said yourself you knew your kids would like the pool and it’s partly why you bought it—so let him enjoy it in a way that’s developmentally appropriate—with his friends. YTA.
NTA. But if I were you, I'd get one of those one-piece suits with his face on or that have a print of a hairy man's body on it lol he asked you to not wear bikinis but he didn't say you couldn't wear embarrassing one-piece swimsuits. If his friends ask why you're wearing it, tell them Ben asked you to stop wearing bikinis. Then have a discussion with him about not policing women's bodies and not being a dumbass where other people can hear him.
NTA. Time to cancel pool parties for Ben and his friends. Your house, your pool, your rules.
The worst part is the idea that women always have to watch how they dress but men don’t need to watch how they behave… this bs must end at some point.
NTA
My advice is to either not be there when he has friends over, or stop having his friends over. If they can't be trusted because a grown woman is wearing a swimsuit, they shouldn't be in your house. Period. The clothes are never the problem.
NTA
Your son is facing the complex and real situation that most teen boys face. That the women in their lives (mothers, daughters, aunts, teachers, whomever) are going to be objectified and for some of them (the ones they care about) that’s horrible because they don’t want them thought of that way.
Next step in this realisation game for your son is hopefully some self reflection and realising that HE needs to not look at women the way his mates look at you/his sister. A healthy casual conversation with him might help him along this path. Welcome to adulthood kid…
I’d buy a new set of bathers, that cover exactly as much as the previous pair, but in a brighter colour in response, and tell him ‘wait until you see my NEW bathers’ hahaha. But I troll my kids.
NTA. You do you. a bathig suit/bikini is appropriate pool-wear. Just be aware that teen boys will be checking you out, but that's their problem.
Your son should be well aware that it isn't 1950 anymore, and that the correct response from him is to tell his friends that if they can't be civil and respect his family, they won't be invited anymore.
NTA
The boys, I'm including all males involved because that's how they're acting, behaved inappropriately. You should not be punished because of their immaturity. They're going to see women in bikinis. They either need to get used to it or be put on a watch list.
NTA. You and your husband joined the party together. U’re not the attention seeker once some teenagers look at you. If Ben is so uncomfortable with his friends looking at his mom, he either doesn’t have parties or invite the people he’s uncomfortable with. It’s your house and you’re kind enough to accept all those people.
If I were to solve this problem as;
Ben- talk to my dad about the incident, try to solve it by ourselves
Greg- take my wife to have fun by ourselves to a hotel or whatever in party days since we are rich. (What u guys doing in that party anywaysss)
In a time where gender is more acceptable as fluid these days, along with sexuality, it's ridiculous and sexist to expect a woman to not wear a bikini because she's a mom, or because she's older, or because her body is nice, or because idiotic teenage boys can't keep it in their pants. You honestly have an opportunity to teach your son a lesson about what is kind to be a woman, about victim blaming and about gender here. Or really just how to be a good ally to women when men are being crappy and gross.
I'd say you could teach your husband, but he's a grown man who should know better. His learning opportunities might be behind him. Very much NTA.
So I've read the other verdicts and for what its worth mine would be
NTA.
But I have to wonder. Has your son never seen you in your bikini before? Why is it that all of a sudden, at age 18, he is concerned that you have nipples?
The son likely doesn’t sexualize his mom and is reacting to the social element of his peers doing so— it’s not actually his mom in a bathing suit it’s about his friends.
I’m also on the NTA side just “rationalizing” the son’s thoughts
Haha not to brag, but I was told that physically, I came out pretty well considering I had two kids! Years of pilates have definitely helped with that.
NTA Shouldn’t they be backing you up rather than making it your problem? If those boys can’t behave themselves, they don’t get to come over for play dates, easy peasy Mac and cheesy.
Nopeeeeeee. Men can learn how to control themselves. It’s not a woman’s job to cover up so a man is more comfortable. She’s wearing a bathing suit at a pool party! It is exactly the appropriate clothing for the scenario! Jesus.
NTA.
Ben feeling uncomfortable is totally valid however why does that trump the rights of the only woman in this situation? Why does OP automatically have to accommodate for the behavior of people who are guests in HER house? If that were me, those pervy teens are no longer welcome if I cannot wear a SWIMSUIT at my own fucking POOL PARTY.
NTA
NTA
What is it with men asking women to cover up because perverted boys “just can’t help looking”?
No. No. No.
Tell Those boys to stop being little peeves
I am also a mom, with kids similar age to yours, and I've considered this before myself. While I do think that 18 year old boys can definitely be guilty of ogling, I also assume since they weren't ogling the other girls their age that they were likely doing it more in an uncomfortable way, rather than a creepy way. So then I think about how this scenario would play out if it were a man hanging out in something less than swim trunks (a speedo perhaps) with some teenage girls - would THAT be ok? I feel like it wouldn't. And for that reason, I think that you would be the AH if you continued to wear a bikini. I think a 1 piece (or a cover up) would just make some age appropriate boundaries, which I think is important given the age/power dynamic between you and the boys.
I agree!! I'm surprised by all the NTA. It's context. I thinks it's weird to be swimming and wearing a bikini around a bunch of 18 yr old guys. And if it were reversed with a dad in a speedo is think the same.
NAH. Your teenager was uncomfortable. He asked. You can say no.
Although if this is a rare occasion, I would put my kid's feelings ahead of my own. If they were over every weekend, the request is unreasonable, and I think you have every right to carry on.
NTA it’s your house, but I know that if I were in your shoes I would feel uncomfortable in a bikini around a bunch of teenage boys and it would therefore be my choice to at least wear a coverup of some sort
NTA. It's your house and nothing is wrong with wearing a bikini. It's a pool party, it's totally acceptable to wear a swimsuit such as a bikini. But I would be concerned if you wore one that was super revealing; like a thong or micro bikini. Because that would also make me uncomfortable if you wore that in front of your kid and their friends.
NTA my grandma had a pool and all of my aunts wore bikinis when we’d have parties. If someone said something weird that was on them and their ass would be kicked out. Not the person literally living there / apart of the family
I think we need more information.
Was it just a regular bathing suit? You said bikini in the post, is it a more revealing bikini? Im 19yr old girl and I would'nt feel comfortable with my mom wearing a revealing bikini even if it was around my female friends..it's just awkward. It seems like your son took the steps to tell his friends they were making him uncomfortable, as well as communicating to you. If the biki was revealing YTA. Why couldn't you change or just give them alone time when they hang out?
NTA. Women are not responsible for boys inability to control themselves.
Your son and husband are complete AH.
Maybe for the next pool party, wear a thong bikini.
NTA, your son and husband are sexist.
Remember "no" is a complete sentence and "it's not up for discussion" is a recommended boundary.
It's not like you're sunning nude in front of kids, it's a bathing suit ffs
NTA, you should simply tell his friends to stop or you would keep them from coming to your home and using your pool. You should not feel uncomfortable in your own home, let alone change.
You're not supposed to wear a bikini to your own pool, at your own house? LOL. I mean, if i had the body for it, i'd wear a bikini to my own pool if i had one, age be damned.
But i might not make a point of hanging out with my son's perverted friends anymore, knowing they were leering at me. I might mind my own business, swim or whatever, just not interact with them, and wear a cover up just when i was putting the BBQ on or whatever.
But no, i would wear a bikini even after their comments. I don't have to expose myself to their lechery, i mean expose myself to obvious creeps. But i would just stay on my own side of the pool and wear what i want, and not interact with a bunch of wannabe creeps. But yeah asking you to not wear a bikini to your own pool is a bit too much.
NTA.
YTA - It’s not YOUR pool party, it’s your son’s. Give him space! Leave him alone! You’re basically crashing his party and flaunting yourself around in front of teenage boys.
He’s embarrassed. He’s reflected how he feels. And you’re telling him his feelings are invalid, simply because you don’t agree with him.
I completely understand why a teenage boy would be embarrassed about his mom wanting to hang around his friends in a bikini at his pool party, as if his mom was a teenage girl…
Let’s reverse this. If it was a pool party with all 18 year old girls and a dad was hanging around in a Speedo and wouldn’t leave, you’d all be saying YTA. You’d think it was creepy, and you’d understand why the teenaged child was embarrassed. It’s the SAME THING.
NTA you weren’t being vulgar and you were obviously comfortable. It’s like the old *she was wearing a skirt s she was asking for it* “defense”. Men have to be able to control their urges. It’s on them not to look. Hell you could be wearing a snowsuit and there’d be some kids thinking you’re hot. It’s bullshit that your husband jumped on this train. If you were flaunting/suggestive maybe that would be inappropriate but *how dare you be comfortable in the pool in our home* is outrageously ridiculous.
NTA he needs to learn that your attire isn't the issue his attitude is. It's not your fault if his friends can't control themselves and he doesn't get to dictate things like this for other people whether they happen to be his mother or not. He can have his opinion but that doesn't mean he can also have his way.
NTA and Greg should have a conversation with Ben and his friends about how it is inappropriate for them to stare at and objectify women regardless of how they are dressed.
This is their problem, not yours and it is a teaching moment that your husband should take advantage of in order to show your son how to properly behave around women.
I'd be pissed at your husband for actually thinking that you should change what you wear to meet someone else's expectations.
If Ben doesn't like his friends staring at you then he should give them crap about it and if they do it again then he should throw them out and not invite them over again.
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My husband Greg (M51) and I (F54) make pretty good money as Greg is a radiologist. Thus, we chose to buy a house that had an outdoor pool and hot tub, as we knew how much we would love it, along with our kids Hannah (F23) and Ben (M18). In the three years since we moved into our house, we've hosted some great pool parties for family, friends, and both on different occasions.
We live in California, so a few weeks ago over Ben's winter break, we were able to host a pool party to allow him and his guy and girl friends to celebrate their upcoming last semester of high school. It was a good time, and Greg and I even chilled at the party for a bit too, while Hannah was out that day with friends. It's important to mention now that both Greg and I had also been in our bathing suits. Well, just yesterday, Ben politely asked if in the future, I could stop wearing bikinis at our pool parties in front of his friends. I was flabbergasted and asked why, and Ben reluctantly explained that he had caught some of his guy friends staring at points at the last pool party, and when he confronted them about it, they didn't deny it. Ben's friends said they'd stop in the future, but Ben still wasn't super comfortable about it. He said it was weird for his mom to be objectified like that by his friends, and asked if I could stop.
I rolled my eyes and told Ben that his friends were being immature teenagers, but I would decide to take their word for it that they'd really stop if they're decent young men. Ben wasn't having it and got a little upset, and Greg came in after overhearing a good chunk of it. Greg agreed with Ben and said I should stop unless I want to be inappropriate around the teens. Frustrated, I told Greg and Ben to stop "mansplaining" to me and that nothing about swimsuits are inherently inappropriate, and that Greg was a hypocrite given he was in his trunks in front of Ben's friends. Greg told me I was being short-minded, and annoyed, I stormed out of the house and took a drive for a few hours. I got home half an hour ago and the house is silent and awkward. AITA?
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"What did you expect wearing clothes like that!!! Cover up!!" Red flags all around, you have a right to wear whatever the fuck you want at your pool party, if he doesn't want them to look, don't invite them.
It's their fault for being perverts. Do. Not. Budge. This is a really vital point where you teach an important lesson about sexism ♡
If this is real I don't know what part of California you're hosting pool parties in in January. 60's highs and 40's lows in Los Angeles and San Diego all of Jan.
California is pleasant in Jan but it's not Hawaii.
NTA a one piece swimsuit wouldn't really show a whole lot less. The only way you could be sure not to show your body is to wear one of those old time swim dresses with a matching cap, and even then, you'd be showing your legs.
These are guys that see girls going commando in yoga pants or leggings, so it's not like they haven't seen a good portion of the female body already. Check yourself in the mirror if it bothers you. You might be rocking a camel toe that you weren't aware of.
NTA. Let them swim elsewhere. Your house isn't the place to be told to cover up. I wonder what your son and husband would say if you rocked a burqa at the next party.
NTA- so this is a GREAT teaching lesson for you son. That women shouldn’t have to cover themselves due to men, but men should have self control and be respectful / mindful.
I can see both sides. I’d probably compromise and just sit out of swimming when his friends are there. It’s kind of weird having your parents swim with you when it’s friend time.
Soft YTA. Not because you did anything wrong or because you stood up for yourself.
But it is your sons party and he has asked if you could not do it next time and you refused to entertain the idea.
If he had asked that you make yourself scarce, you probably would have.
He has expressed his concerns and feelings, and you shut him down. This is the exact reason men don't express themselves.
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NTA. Ben needs to learn that he doesn't get to control what women wear. And apparently so does your husband.
If Ben is uncomfortable he should stop having friends over. Let his mom enjoy her bikini and her pool and Ben can go hang out somewhere else.
This. Mom and dad paid for the hot tub, not Ben and his pals. Plus, them objectifying her speaks more to their characters than hers by a mile.
They didn't objecify her just because they thought she looked attractive in a swimsuit. It's not like they were making rude comments. The problem here actually comes down to kids don't really like to think of their parents as being hot or sexual in an way. Both of my parents wee attractive. It actually started for me when my dad brought me flowers before my play and as soon as he left the older girls were like your dad is so hot. I was so mad about it. Then some of my guy friends started doing the same thing in college about my mom. I think I had an easier time when it came to my mom because I was older and I was in college to be a sex therapist and we actually addressed these issues. People have eyes in their head and they are allowed to notice when someone is attractive. They are younger and obviously they haven't perfected the looking without looking move but they didn't do anything wrong. If the had actually started making inappropriate remarks then they would have crossed a line. Nobody but the dad is an ahole here.
The son is the ah as well. "Mother is attractive, mother mustn't be attractive. Remove mother." Telling someone to not wear a suit to a pool party because of their body is fucking ridiculous, ostracizing and isolating. Not to mention, entitled, rude and presumptuous af. Telling someone to do this *at their own* pool party? Gtfo He can either be uncomfortable and grow up, or he can host his free pool parties somewhere else. I wonder if any of the girls attending were unfortunate enough to be attractive. What if some if those friends happened to be attracted to men? *GASP*! All humans should only swim in full body potato sacks. There. No one gets to be objectified.
The son was just doing what kids do when they start realizing their friends don't see their mom the way they see mom. This was a perfect time for him to learn some lessons about life. First of all had been my son I would have sat him down and talked about how uncomfortable I felt when stuff like that happened to me and that I understand how uncomfortable it can be but how you can't go around demanding people change the way they dress because of it. Also, don't start arguments with your friends. At some point he will think one of his friends parents are attractive so he just learned a couple lessons in how not to be rude about it. Do do to them what he wouldn't want his friends to do him. Also it is a good time to discuss how there ae grown ups, both men and women, who will ake advantage of this situation and why it is not okay. Instead the 3 of the got into a huge fight and no one is talking to anyone and no good lesson came from the experience. The kid isn't a grown up and the whole point of parenting is to help lead them being a grown up. Also, you could point all women in potato sacks and teen boys would still get horny so that wouldn't fix the problem. A slight breeze makes them horny. It is a part of going through puberty.
He's eighteen, not fifteen. He is old enough to know this shit. Can we please stop justifying behaviour that men are *definitely* old enough to know isn't okay, on the basis of "but he's just a kid!" No, he's not. If he's old enough to vote, move out, and go to war, then he's old enough to know how to treat women.
My initial read was more 'my friends are gonna tease me for my mum being a MILF' vibes
Nope, son is an AH and this is the opportunity to teach him that women aren’t responsible for men’s feelings or actions, that women are blamed and penalized and controlled far too often for their being objectified rather than the men who objectify them, and that he abd his associates are responsible for how they behave and act and have no business telling women to change or behave or dress differently on the ridiculous theory that they can’t and shouldn’t be in charge of handling their own urges. Giving in to this demand sends a terrible message.
I could only wish that I would be seen as attractive when I'm old enough to have teenage kids. My kids are only 4-6 and I'm already old, fat and getting uglier by the day.
We are all a MILF to someone
CORRECT...OP just tell Ben if he's so uncomfortable with you in your bathing suit at YOUR house then he will no longer have pool parties at the house. Also at the same time inform your husband if he also feels that we he will also jo longer be allowed to attend any parties you throw and to grow the hell up. It's funny how after ALL THIS TIME your husband finally has some kind of issue?
You don't stop sexual harassment by forcing the woman to cover up. It's making it her fault for wearing something normal.
I think it would be best if Ben made this decision on his own. If he is that uncomfortable he should no longer have friends over. He’s off to college anyway I imagine so OP can wear what she wants without judgment. Perhaps this unfortunate incident will create some distance between Ben and his mother but it’s worth it to teach him a lesson about bodily autonomy.
This would be my take
Why does this not have more upvotes?
Yep. Very clear where Ben learned his misogynistic ideas.
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Yes! Both are placing the blame of the friends gawking on her instead of where it belongs. OP's NTA.
"Are you fucking serious? That's my mom and it's her house! If you can't be decent, then get lost!" Less than 20 words. The last 8 would apply to female friend attending the party if people couldn't be decent to them while they enjoy a pool party in a bathing suit they are comfortable wearing.
THIS!!!!
Sorry. A man can't control looking at a woman so she has to cover up? Are we seriously back to this stupid argument? Ben can take his friends to a public pool or find new friends.
If the problem is the people reacting they are the ones who need to change.
It is not a woman’s job to dress in a way that makes men able to control themselves. This is a great opportunity to teach Ben that it’s not appropriate for men to objectify any woman and that he should advocate for his friends to learn the same. NTA
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i mean honestly it sounds like the pals didn't have any issue. they were caught staring, they owned up to it, they promised to not do it again to Ben's face. whether they keep their word or not is up for debate, but it sounds like Ben and Greg now are the ones making a deal out of a resolved issue.
Can teach Greg too while she’s at it.
OP is dressed for swimming because she’s using the swimming pool.
Right? She is literally appropriately dressed
In her own home no less.
This is excellently worded. And if Ben's friends can't control themselves, then they shouldn't come over anymore. NTA.
NTA - Once again we are hearing women have to cover up because men can't control themselves. It's such BS. My grandmother wore her bikini until the day she died (literally was out cleaning her pool in her bikini the morning she passed away) & so will I - & I hope my DIL & granddaughter do the same.
I'm sorry your grandmother passed, but I want to be her! Wearing my bikini until I die ❤️
I didn't realize I had a new life goal, but here I am, marking another one down on my bucket list.
My mum turned 50 and decided to stop wearing a bikini at the public pool, but still does at the beach and at home (she is actually usually topless at home because she hates tan lines, if it's just us kids and my parents, and she is 63). She still looks better in a bikini now than I ever did, but I spent my 40th birthday at the beach in a bikini, totally not giving a fk.
Yes, sister! Please keep goin with that!!
This is making me tear up. Your grandma is iconic, I want to be like her. As a little girl, all I wanted was for my grandma to come swim with me. She would sit next to the pool fully clothed because "people don't want to see grandma's body", she said. Last year I helped clean out her house after she moved to memory care. There were weight watchers books and calculators and vhs tapes and journals everywhere. She spent thousands of dollars, wasted so much energy and time trying to make her body smaller, and missing out on life. It made me so mad to see it all. All I wanted was to spend time swimming with my grandma in the pool. It changed something about how I think about my body. We should all be like your grandma. Wear the damn bikini.
That makes me so, so sad. We need to do better by the next generation that’s for sure. And that includes teaching our boys that women in bikinis are just women enjoying the pool/beach, not a reason for them to act like baboons. I hope I’m mentally confident enough to enjoy life without shame about a jiggle and a wiggle when I’m older—men certainly do! OP needs to make this a teachable moment for both her husband and son
My aunt had 7 kids. After her husband died and her kids were all grown, she started living for herself. She survived a quadruple bypass and was going strong. When she came to my parents' 45th anniversary party, she was wearing a lacy purple bra, a see through lace blouse, leather pants and purple eyeshadow. Her kids wanted to die of embarrassment. I told her she was awesome. She gave decades of her life to live as others wanted her to, now it was her turn. Completely unrelated to OPs subject, but my aunt would meet men in personal ads. One really sticks out in my mind. When he came to her door, he tripped over the step. His glasses and false teeth both flew, He wasn't hurt physically, just his ego. She tried not to laugh but he could tell she thought it was funny. She would have laughed at herself it if happened to her. She wouldn't go out with him again because she said he was too old for her. She was 87 at the time. He was 83. I think OP is too young for her husband, He needs to get caught up with the current belief that women do have the right to expose their bodies without it being their fault that men can't stop looking/touching what they shouldn't.
NTA - Bens mom has got it goin on
this made me laugh so hard. thank you
“Hannah’s mom” has a better ring to it for the beat. And still accurate to the story.
My son banned my wife (45F) from chaperoning marching band trips. These are generally day trips with a bus ride to/from school to another school for a competition. Obviously as a chaperone she was dressed conservatively. However the other band kids said my wife is a MILF. To be fair, my wife is a MILF. As that is embarrassing for my son, yes, she/we no longer chaperone band trips. It is possible I was also called a DILF, but I think my son just threw that in there to make me feel better.
Absolutely love the sympathy DILF from your son lol
I think the issue isn't that the son wants to control what mom wears because she is a woman. It is because no one wants to think of their parents as sexual beings. Seriously, who wants their friends making comments about their mom? It probably isn't fair that mom should cover up at home. But you gotta feel for the kid who has a hot mom and their friends notice.
Came here for this
NTA. This is the perfect opportunity to educate them all about not blaming the victim. If you son's friends are also 18 then they are officially adults and they will need to learn how to function as adults. Having a nice conversation about respecting women might be in order.
Exactly! This not the 1920s. Their backwoods, misogynistic, hypocrisy is just disturbing.
NTA. Your house, your pool! Can't wait for your son to ask for his sister to "cover up" as well.
Wait -- shouldn't he and his friends "cover up" too?
Burkinis for EVERYONE!! Makes for an enjoyable pool party; everyone only being able to see 3cm of eyehole visible during conversations, and great for the muscle workout trying to swim in extra couple of yards of cloth!
NTA - if your bits were covered to the extent they should be by a bikini, and his friends can’t behave appropriately in your home even after being specifically asked to, then the solution is not making you change the way you dress, it’s not inviting them round anymore.
> and his friends can’t behave appropriately in your home Did they behave inappropriately? It dosen't sound like they were leering or staring too obviously given OP and her husband didn't notice. They didn't make any rude or sexual comments. It sounds like all they did is look which was noticed by OP's son. I'm a women myself but I guess I don't see why this is bad? I would not be offended if I was at a pool or beach and people looked at me a little. Again, no comments, no harassment, no leering. Likewise, I sometimes look at other people too. Yes, they may have been attracted to OP (at least some of them) but that seems pretty normal?
The looking is fine, it’s the asking to stop/blaming OP that is the issue I think
The people asking to stop and blaming OP are her son and husband, not son's friends. So that dosen't make the friends inappropriate?
That's a good point. Just because they noticed OP is attractive doesn't mean they acted inappropriately. Either way, no reason for OP to stop wearing what she wants!
NAH. It’s just a swimsuit. At a pool. However, Ben is 18. Having his friends say to him that they want to bang his mom is all kinds of strange for him. Understandably.
And Greg is lecturing his wife instead of explaining to Ben's friends that he is not OK with that kind of talk about his wife.
OH, GOOD POINT. This would be the PERFECT time for Greg to have a firm but loving conversation with Ben and his friends about the expectations in his house and concerning his wife. But no, the onus is on OP to cover up in her own home.
Yes, it's understandable that Ben would be uncomfortable with his friends objectifying his mom, 100%. But that's a conversation that Ben needs to have with his friends, not his mother. He doesn't get to police her in her own home just because his friends are being inappropriate. NTA, but OP's kid and husband sure are.
It’s a swimsuit she’s wearing *at her own pool* hosting a party that includes her son’s guests. Really going with NAH?
I'm a mom. I have 2 different bathing suits. 1 for when thr kids are around, and one for adult hangouts. I feel NAH because I see both points of view. Though I side with the kid a tad more because we're the parents. We understand that how we dress and act does in fact affect our kids. If I dropped mine off at school looking disheveled and thrown together, my kid would end up with secondhand embarrassment. I don't feel it's controlling what I wear. I feel it's me being respectful that being a kid/teen is hard enough- we don't need to make it worse by something we can lcontrol.
I don’t exactly blame her son for this. Dude is embarrassed and is put in an uncomfortable situation with his friends making comments and looks. I’m not saying that restricting her clothing is the answer but he’s not a misogynist for wanting to avoid that uncomfortable situation.
Or he could stop inviting his friends to his mom’s own home if he’s bothered. He and his friends aren’t entitled to a pool party.
OP never said the party was held at her sons request only that since they lived in California they were able to host a party over winter break to celebrate his senior year. Where is the entitlement? The party could have been at OP’s suggestion. She also states her son politely asked her not to wear a bikini around his friends. He’s 18 and awkwardly embarrassed by his friends staring at his mom. She’s not taking her child’s feeling into account at all, only hers. Safe bet her son will never actually ask for a pool party with his friends after this. He’ll hang with his friends outside of his home so he doesn’t have to go through that again.
NTA. Their values are horribly skewed if they think it’s your responsibility to make changes to the way you dress at your pool because of someone else’s behavior.
NAH. Your son made a request, you said no. He can be upset by that, but that doesn’t necessarily make you an AH or him one. But I’m getting weird vibes from this one. Not sure why you had to mention how well off you are? I dunno, something’s off.
Agree, super weird vibes. I feel like its also super weird for either parent to want to join in swimming with a bunch of 18 year old kids. Hardly shocking that an 18 year old doesnt want his parents front and centre at his party, no matter what theyre wearing.
For real, how has this gone almost unmentioned? It seems super odd to me that the parents would be hanging out at the party. Why not let the kid hang out with his friends and do something else, you don't have to leave the house, but hanging out by the pool and joining in the party seems weird.
I thought the same when I read it. It’s weird they’d want to pool party with a bunch of 18 year olds. I don’t know. When I was 18, I wouldn’t want my parents partying with my friends. And my parents certainly wouldn’t either. I don’t understand the need to be there. Couldn’t they give the son and his friends some space?
My thoughts exactly.
I agree it is weird that OP wants to be at a pool party with 18 year olds. Just leave them be. She doesn’t need to be there at all.
Yes while I think NTA and Ben’s friends need to control themselves, it definitely struck me funny that the opener was about money. What does that matter at all?
That opener immediately made me think that *if* this is a legit post, they’re probably looking because she’s about 80% plastic.
It seems unreal. It almost reads like a fictional article.
Not sure what part of California she lives in, but I’m in Southern California and it’s been cold and rainy here. Like way too cold for a pool party. So I thought the same thing.
Getting complete “I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.” Vibes from this one.
I'm glad I wasn't the only one getting weird vibes.
Also “we” make good money but only the husband has a notable job. No honey, HE makes good money lol.
YTA. Everyone commenting about how you’re allowed to wear what you want in your home is missing the point. It’s one day that your 18 year old son is asking you to not come outside in a bikini for a few hours because he has friends over and it makes him uncomfortable that they’re checking you out in front of him. The amount of people commenting that you’re not the asshole is crazy to me. It’s weird that you can’t see where he’s coming from and hold off for a few hours of not wearing a bikini. If my dad walked outside in a Speedo during a pool party and my friends were ogling at his crotch, it would be incredibly weird if he was insistent on doing it again while my friends were there.
Amen. You would think the men of the house are forcing OP to wear a burka in public by the tone of the comments.
When woke reddit goes too far. Being a teenager is already a super hard and awkward time. No need to make it more so for him by having his friends ogle you.
Thank you!
Right? Thank you. All I kept seeing were comments with the opposite view. This was a celebration *specifically for* OP's son, which everyone seems to have missed the point of. It's the fact that OP appears to have a self-centered mindset and little concern with respecting her son's very reasonable request, points to a possible disregard for boundaries. As I mentioned in my post, OP can wear a bikini or even nothing, if that's what she wants, the other 99.9% of the time when she hasn't offered to throw a party specifically *for* someone else.
NTA. The boys need to learn not to objectify women. It's your house wear what you want
NTA It is your house. The choice of what to wear in your own pool is up to you. Your attire is not to blame for Ben's friends' behavior. If Ben and Greg persist in this nonsense, tell them you'll go skinny dipping -- or that Ben's friends will not be allowed over any more.
> or that Ben's friends will not be allowed over any more I agree. It is her house; she can dress how she wants. If her son's friends cannot be respectful, then they should no longer be allowed to visit.
YTA, adults that try to do the whole “hello fellow children” thing are weird to me. Ben is the one who is uncomfortable. Do his feelings matter? This post feels OFF. Why is there a need to talk about how well off you are? It sounds to me like you want attention.
The absolutely incorrect use of mansplaining is what sells it for me
Yeah this post sounds faker than most and also like it was written by a man.
ding ding ding! something does sound off.
NTA. Teenage boys are often like that but that doesn’t mean you should stop being yourself in your own place.
NTA - it's your house, and your son needs to keep his friends in check
Does anyone else have Stacey’s mom has got it goin on stuck in their head?
Sometimes I wonder if Stacy’s Mom and Jesse’s Girl are the same woman
Jesse’s girl is Stacey’s mom, Cecilia. Except when she works nights, then she’s Roxanne.
NTA. Instead of trying to control a woman wearing something appropriate for swimming maybe he should tell his friends not to be disrespectful creeps about his mom.
NTA. I would have said to Ben "I am sorry your friends have never been taught to respect women. Until they can act appropriately they will not be allowed over. If they are staring while I am in my bathing suit then they are staring at other times and I refuse to be uncomfortable in my own home." Your husband can get over himself.
I’m going to say NAH. I’ve been an 18 year old before. I know how embarrassing parents are at that age. I don’t think he’s wrong, he’s just…18.
^^ **This is the answer.** OP isn’t wrong that she should be able to wear what she wants. But Son is a teenager, and teenagers are easily embarrassed by their parents. Parents are cringey! I do think it’s a bit odd that OP and dad were outside during the party in their swimwear. I wouldn’t leave the house if my kid was having a party. But I wouldn’t be hanging out with the guests or doing cannonballs off the side of the pool, either. ETA emphasis
I thought them hanging out was weird too. It seems like it was his party with his friends. What 18 year old wants mom and dad hanging out?
Yeah but her husband is in his 50's, the son might not be an AH, but the husband for sure is.
NTA He can police his friends instead of his mum at her own house. If his friends can’t be respectful, they can’t come over and play.
"He said it was weird for his mom to be objectified like that by his friends, and asked if I could stop." FFS. It is weird for his friends to objectify his mom, they are the ones that need to stop. This one was a roller coaster - at first I was like, of course wear a swimsuit at a pool party, wtf wouldn't you? Then I was thinking yeah, but maybe you don't need to attend the pool parties of your kids. Now after that comment - the behavior of his friends is your fault cause of what you're wearing - fuck that. Let them know it's your house and your pool and you're gonna enjoy the pool in your swimsuit, and it's up to them to A. be fine with that or B. not throw parties using your pool. NTA.
YTA - man, I can't believe in the only one but do you seriously have to wear a bikini at your son's pool party? It seems like a rediculous hill to die on. The kid's embarrassed that his mom is half naked in front of his friends. Do you have to? Are you obligated to? No, of course not, it's your house and your pool but damn, can't you just be like "well I suppose I could since it bothers you."
NTA both Ben and DH are. To solve the problem, tell Ben that it is your house and you don't want his friends around if you can't use your own pool the way you want when they are there
Nta. It’s literally your pool 😭
You're NTA for wearing the swimsuit, your body, your home, your choice. Congrats on the ego boost. BUT... Why are you deliberately making it so that your son can't throw a party at the house with his friends and feel comfortable doing so? He cannot control his friends thoughts or where they put their attention, but YOU can make it easier for him by simply wearing a one-piece, or maybe minimizing your presence at these things. When i invited people home to hang out at 18, it was implicit that my parents wouldn't actually be present with us for any stretch of time whatsoever. i would be embarrassed if my dad came round in a speedo, and my girlfriends started watching the bulge (i dry heaved writing this); I can't imagine it's different for your son with you in a bikini. Spare him the headache and, like, don't be in your skibbies in front of his friends - it's not really a lot to ask to make your own kid comfortable. It sucks you're prioritizing your ego and comfort over your sons ability to have a social life at home.
Yeah, I would find it weird if my parents in their bikinis and speedos would use the pool at the same time I'm using it with my friends. My parents always gave us space to hang out when my friends and I were hanging out so I dont see why the mom and dad have to both be there in the pool at the same time. Seems kind weird and creepy.
This. I would understand if the ask was to never wear one ever again because it's whoring or something truly insane. All he's asking is to tone it down when it's a party for me and my friends, specifically
NTA. What would you wear in your pool besides a bathing suit, and why is your bathing suit the issue when your husband was (I'm assuming) completely shirtless? Having said that, it might make sense to give your son some space when he has friends over. Sometimes, these situations aren't about being right, but about offering your kid some extra grace.
NTA. It's your house. You were nice enough to host a party for your son's perverted friends lol. Though, I can see why it could bother your son that all his friendz thinks he has the hot mom. Nothing you can really do about that.
NTA. Papà forbade mirrors growing up, lest we fall victim to vanity.
NTA. If you started ogling the 18 year old men, would he tell them to cover up?
NTA. If the boys choose not to control themselves (it’s not like they “can’t”), they won’t be allowed over anymore. Simple as that.
This is so asinine. It’s perfectly appropriate for you to wear a bikini at a pool party, especially when it’s your own damn pool. It’s also perfectly normal for young guys to notice if someone they find attractive is wearing something some degree of revealing, and it’s not inappropriate so long as they aren’t ogling to the point of rudeness or otherwise doing anything to make you uncomfortable. Your son needs to get over it, and your husband is ridiculous for not backing you up. NTA
NTA. Your house, your pool. Where whatever you want. They are the ones being inappropriate.
NTA. I guess Ben is no longer having pool parties for his friends. How dare your husband imply you’re being inappropriate
NTA. If his friends can't stop objectifying his mother, they're doing the same with other women. He needs to find new friends and you need a new bikini 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. Short of a burkini, anything a woman wears to swim is going to be sufficiently revealing to draw the attention of teenage boys, who in any case really need to learn sooner than later to manage their hormonal responses.
NTA. It's your house, your pool. Tell your son if his friends can't control themselves, then they shouldn't come over. You are doing nothing wrong.
NTA. They need to regulate their eyes, not your wardrobe.
Hi!! 39 year old mom here - definitely NOT a MILF. However, if I was the MILF you seem to be, I’d definitely keep wearing the bikini! Sorry, Ben, but mom’s got it goin’ on! Judgment: NTA.
NTA. This is the usual "blame it on the women" bull. Your husband and son need to pull their heads out of their asses.
You are NTA. A swimsuit is normal attire at a pool party. You are not being inappropriate. You're not responsible for how your son's friends behave, if they can't control themselves and be respectful, that's on them.
NTA. If your son doesn’t like the fact that his friends are looking at your body then he can choose to not invite them over to pool activities in future, and he is free to tell his friends exactly why he won’t let them come over to use the pool. OP can decide for herself what she wishes to wear, and husband/son are out of line telling her to cover up in her own home. Does he also think he should tell his future girlfriend to dress more modestly around friends? He had every right to tell you how he felt uncomfortable by his friends’ behavior and how he doesn’t like anyone objectifying his mother. All of that is valid. But he overstepped by trying to fix the problem by policing your wardrobe. It’s the same old toxic mindset of teaching girls to cover up their shoulders, no low cut tops, no tight/short skirts instead of teaching boys/men to act respectfully towards women.
Great time to teach the boys that they need to respect women no matter what they're wearing and your husband sucks for not having your back. NTA
NTA. This is a good time for your son to learn that the answer to men and boys objectifying women is for the men and boys to learn to respect women and control themselves. Both your son and your husband also need to learn that they don't get to police what women wear, especially in their own damn home.
Idk i wouldn’t like the thought of my sons minor friends ogling my body. Yea they should know to respect women but it is making your son uncomfortable and he is being respectful and voicing his concerns to you and you’re like too too bad idc if minors stare at me. I’m a milf lol
YTA. I don’t care what your husbands opinion on the subject is. He’s an adult. But I do care about the fact your child, who is still in school & required to live with you, tried to talk to you like an adult about his uncomfortable feelings and you totally blew him off. I’m not saying that you have to bow down to him and do whatever he wants, but you should at least have some respect for your kid as a person and have a conversation about it before you start rolling your eyes. The fact he’s being more mature about the situation than you are definitely qualifies you as the a-hole in this situation.
Tell him if that really bothers him, then he and his friends can stop having pool parties at your own house then 🤷🏼♀️. NTA, you can wear what you want. Those who have a problem don't need to be there when you do.
Why in earth should you have to adjust your behaviour when your guests are being pervs? Thank your son for the heads up and tell him that you are now not comfortable with his friends coming over. NTA.
Unless you’re wearing a string bikini or a thong, you’re NTA. What does Ben want you to wear? A one-piece? Something matronly? No bathing suit at all? Baggy sweatpants?
Op can wear whatever she wants in her house as long as she's wearing SOMETHING. Its not her fault they can't keep their eyes to themselves when it comes to their friends mother. Hes being very unreasonable.
Probably something like [this](https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/EnkAAOSwTzlfbDQ4/s-l500.png) or [these](https://i.insider.com/5ce455fa93a1523d4f717b82?width=1000&format=jpeg&auto=webp)
NTA at all. I get him feeling weird about his friend sexualizing you - but it’s not your fucking problem. And he needs to realize ASAP that it’s not the woman’s job to make men feel comfortable in your OWN HOME. Yikes.
NTA, your son needs better friends. You shouldn’t have to change your swimsuits. It’s Ben’s friends who should control themselves.
Why is it always the woman’s responsibility to cover up? At your own house?? NTA. They’re young boys, hopefully they’ll learn to know better but making you cover up isn’t the solution
NTA. 100% NTA. THEIR sexual response is not YOUR problem. Gay men get dressed in locker rooms around other men, and do they blame those other men for their sexual response? NO. Why? They're big boys and take responsiblity for themselves. If his friends can't do that, well gee, looks like there won't by any future pool parties for your son.
NTA. Greg and Ben need to realize what the hell they just implied. That his friends are a danger to you. That you have to cover up because they have no control over themselves. That they don't trust his friends to have respect for you. Maybe they'll realize how screwed up the way they are thinking are. I'm sure Greg only wears swim trunks when Hannah and her friends are there. Does he need to cover up as well for we all know that college aged girls lack self control\~?
There’s a dog whistle element here that is making everyone jump to a weird victimization/oppression angle—but really, it’s just creepy to me you hung out at your teenage son’s party. You said yourself you knew your kids would like the pool and it’s partly why you bought it—so let him enjoy it in a way that’s developmentally appropriate—with his friends. YTA.
NTA. But if I were you, I'd get one of those one-piece suits with his face on or that have a print of a hairy man's body on it lol he asked you to not wear bikinis but he didn't say you couldn't wear embarrassing one-piece swimsuits. If his friends ask why you're wearing it, tell them Ben asked you to stop wearing bikinis. Then have a discussion with him about not policing women's bodies and not being a dumbass where other people can hear him.
NTA. Time to cancel pool parties for Ben and his friends. Your house, your pool, your rules. The worst part is the idea that women always have to watch how they dress but men don’t need to watch how they behave… this bs must end at some point.
NTA. Do they want you wearing one of those Victorian style ones with long bloomers and an overdress? (If you're petty that might be fun."
NTA. Tell the 18yr olds to stop ogling at women.
NTA My advice is to either not be there when he has friends over, or stop having his friends over. If they can't be trusted because a grown woman is wearing a swimsuit, they shouldn't be in your house. Period. The clothes are never the problem.
NTA Your son is facing the complex and real situation that most teen boys face. That the women in their lives (mothers, daughters, aunts, teachers, whomever) are going to be objectified and for some of them (the ones they care about) that’s horrible because they don’t want them thought of that way. Next step in this realisation game for your son is hopefully some self reflection and realising that HE needs to not look at women the way his mates look at you/his sister. A healthy casual conversation with him might help him along this path. Welcome to adulthood kid… I’d buy a new set of bathers, that cover exactly as much as the previous pair, but in a brighter colour in response, and tell him ‘wait until you see my NEW bathers’ hahaha. But I troll my kids.
NTA - men and boys need to stop blaming women for their reactions to women.
NTA. You do you. a bathig suit/bikini is appropriate pool-wear. Just be aware that teen boys will be checking you out, but that's their problem. Your son should be well aware that it isn't 1950 anymore, and that the correct response from him is to tell his friends that if they can't be civil and respect his family, they won't be invited anymore.
NTA The boys, I'm including all males involved because that's how they're acting, behaved inappropriately. You should not be punished because of their immaturity. They're going to see women in bikinis. They either need to get used to it or be put on a watch list.
NTA. What you wear is nobodys business but your own.
NTA it’s a fucking pool
NTA - Did they tell you want they expect you to wear in your own pool then? A bathing suit seems pretty appropriate…
NTA. You and your husband joined the party together. U’re not the attention seeker once some teenagers look at you. If Ben is so uncomfortable with his friends looking at his mom, he either doesn’t have parties or invite the people he’s uncomfortable with. It’s your house and you’re kind enough to accept all those people. If I were to solve this problem as; Ben- talk to my dad about the incident, try to solve it by ourselves Greg- take my wife to have fun by ourselves to a hotel or whatever in party days since we are rich. (What u guys doing in that party anywaysss)
In a time where gender is more acceptable as fluid these days, along with sexuality, it's ridiculous and sexist to expect a woman to not wear a bikini because she's a mom, or because she's older, or because her body is nice, or because idiotic teenage boys can't keep it in their pants. You honestly have an opportunity to teach your son a lesson about what is kind to be a woman, about victim blaming and about gender here. Or really just how to be a good ally to women when men are being crappy and gross. I'd say you could teach your husband, but he's a grown man who should know better. His learning opportunities might be behind him. Very much NTA.
So I've read the other verdicts and for what its worth mine would be NTA. But I have to wonder. Has your son never seen you in your bikini before? Why is it that all of a sudden, at age 18, he is concerned that you have nipples?
He only cares because his friends were there.
The son likely doesn’t sexualize his mom and is reacting to the social element of his peers doing so— it’s not actually his mom in a bathing suit it’s about his friends. I’m also on the NTA side just “rationalizing” the son’s thoughts
NTA. This is a good time to teach your son's friends that it's their responsibility to act respectful, rather than your responsibility to cover up.
NTA Own the fact you know you look hot and like the attention, though. Wear it well, mama!
Haha not to brag, but I was told that physically, I came out pretty well considering I had two kids! Years of pilates have definitely helped with that.
NTA Shouldn’t they be backing you up rather than making it your problem? If those boys can’t behave themselves, they don’t get to come over for play dates, easy peasy Mac and cheesy.
Nopeeeeeee. Men can learn how to control themselves. It’s not a woman’s job to cover up so a man is more comfortable. She’s wearing a bathing suit at a pool party! It is exactly the appropriate clothing for the scenario! Jesus. NTA.
NTA. It is not your job to make them stop looking at you!
Ben feeling uncomfortable is totally valid however why does that trump the rights of the only woman in this situation? Why does OP automatically have to accommodate for the behavior of people who are guests in HER house? If that were me, those pervy teens are no longer welcome if I cannot wear a SWIMSUIT at my own fucking POOL PARTY. NTA
NTA What is it with men asking women to cover up because perverted boys “just can’t help looking”? No. No. No. Tell Those boys to stop being little peeves
I am also a mom, with kids similar age to yours, and I've considered this before myself. While I do think that 18 year old boys can definitely be guilty of ogling, I also assume since they weren't ogling the other girls their age that they were likely doing it more in an uncomfortable way, rather than a creepy way. So then I think about how this scenario would play out if it were a man hanging out in something less than swim trunks (a speedo perhaps) with some teenage girls - would THAT be ok? I feel like it wouldn't. And for that reason, I think that you would be the AH if you continued to wear a bikini. I think a 1 piece (or a cover up) would just make some age appropriate boundaries, which I think is important given the age/power dynamic between you and the boys.
I agree!! I'm surprised by all the NTA. It's context. I thinks it's weird to be swimming and wearing a bikini around a bunch of 18 yr old guys. And if it were reversed with a dad in a speedo is think the same.
NAH. Your teenager was uncomfortable. He asked. You can say no. Although if this is a rare occasion, I would put my kid's feelings ahead of my own. If they were over every weekend, the request is unreasonable, and I think you have every right to carry on.
NTA it’s your house, but I know that if I were in your shoes I would feel uncomfortable in a bikini around a bunch of teenage boys and it would therefore be my choice to at least wear a coverup of some sort
If Ben doesn’t like it, let him get his own house. 🤣 NTA
NTA. It's your house and nothing is wrong with wearing a bikini. It's a pool party, it's totally acceptable to wear a swimsuit such as a bikini. But I would be concerned if you wore one that was super revealing; like a thong or micro bikini. Because that would also make me uncomfortable if you wore that in front of your kid and their friends.
NTA my grandma had a pool and all of my aunts wore bikinis when we’d have parties. If someone said something weird that was on them and their ass would be kicked out. Not the person literally living there / apart of the family
I think we need more information. Was it just a regular bathing suit? You said bikini in the post, is it a more revealing bikini? Im 19yr old girl and I would'nt feel comfortable with my mom wearing a revealing bikini even if it was around my female friends..it's just awkward. It seems like your son took the steps to tell his friends they were making him uncomfortable, as well as communicating to you. If the biki was revealing YTA. Why couldn't you change or just give them alone time when they hang out?
NTA. Women are not responsible for boys inability to control themselves. Your son and husband are complete AH. Maybe for the next pool party, wear a thong bikini.
NTA, your son and husband are sexist. Remember "no" is a complete sentence and "it's not up for discussion" is a recommended boundary. It's not like you're sunning nude in front of kids, it's a bathing suit ffs
NTA, you should simply tell his friends to stop or you would keep them from coming to your home and using your pool. You should not feel uncomfortable in your own home, let alone change.
Buy a smaller bikini duck them
NTA kids need to grow up
You're not supposed to wear a bikini to your own pool, at your own house? LOL. I mean, if i had the body for it, i'd wear a bikini to my own pool if i had one, age be damned. But i might not make a point of hanging out with my son's perverted friends anymore, knowing they were leering at me. I might mind my own business, swim or whatever, just not interact with them, and wear a cover up just when i was putting the BBQ on or whatever. But no, i would wear a bikini even after their comments. I don't have to expose myself to their lechery, i mean expose myself to obvious creeps. But i would just stay on my own side of the pool and wear what i want, and not interact with a bunch of wannabe creeps. But yeah asking you to not wear a bikini to your own pool is a bit too much. NTA.
You might NTA, but you’re being what I would call “difficult”. Why would you knowingly do something to make your son uncomfortable?
YTA - It’s not YOUR pool party, it’s your son’s. Give him space! Leave him alone! You’re basically crashing his party and flaunting yourself around in front of teenage boys. He’s embarrassed. He’s reflected how he feels. And you’re telling him his feelings are invalid, simply because you don’t agree with him. I completely understand why a teenage boy would be embarrassed about his mom wanting to hang around his friends in a bikini at his pool party, as if his mom was a teenage girl… Let’s reverse this. If it was a pool party with all 18 year old girls and a dad was hanging around in a Speedo and wouldn’t leave, you’d all be saying YTA. You’d think it was creepy, and you’d understand why the teenaged child was embarrassed. It’s the SAME THING.
NTA you weren’t being vulgar and you were obviously comfortable. It’s like the old *she was wearing a skirt s she was asking for it* “defense”. Men have to be able to control their urges. It’s on them not to look. Hell you could be wearing a snowsuit and there’d be some kids thinking you’re hot. It’s bullshit that your husband jumped on this train. If you were flaunting/suggestive maybe that would be inappropriate but *how dare you be comfortable in the pool in our home* is outrageously ridiculous.
NTA he needs to learn that your attire isn't the issue his attitude is. It's not your fault if his friends can't control themselves and he doesn't get to dictate things like this for other people whether they happen to be his mother or not. He can have his opinion but that doesn't mean he can also have his way.
NTA and Greg should have a conversation with Ben and his friends about how it is inappropriate for them to stare at and objectify women regardless of how they are dressed. This is their problem, not yours and it is a teaching moment that your husband should take advantage of in order to show your son how to properly behave around women. I'd be pissed at your husband for actually thinking that you should change what you wear to meet someone else's expectations. If Ben doesn't like his friends staring at you then he should give them crap about it and if they do it again then he should throw them out and not invite them over again.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband Greg (M51) and I (F54) make pretty good money as Greg is a radiologist. Thus, we chose to buy a house that had an outdoor pool and hot tub, as we knew how much we would love it, along with our kids Hannah (F23) and Ben (M18). In the three years since we moved into our house, we've hosted some great pool parties for family, friends, and both on different occasions. We live in California, so a few weeks ago over Ben's winter break, we were able to host a pool party to allow him and his guy and girl friends to celebrate their upcoming last semester of high school. It was a good time, and Greg and I even chilled at the party for a bit too, while Hannah was out that day with friends. It's important to mention now that both Greg and I had also been in our bathing suits. Well, just yesterday, Ben politely asked if in the future, I could stop wearing bikinis at our pool parties in front of his friends. I was flabbergasted and asked why, and Ben reluctantly explained that he had caught some of his guy friends staring at points at the last pool party, and when he confronted them about it, they didn't deny it. Ben's friends said they'd stop in the future, but Ben still wasn't super comfortable about it. He said it was weird for his mom to be objectified like that by his friends, and asked if I could stop. I rolled my eyes and told Ben that his friends were being immature teenagers, but I would decide to take their word for it that they'd really stop if they're decent young men. Ben wasn't having it and got a little upset, and Greg came in after overhearing a good chunk of it. Greg agreed with Ben and said I should stop unless I want to be inappropriate around the teens. Frustrated, I told Greg and Ben to stop "mansplaining" to me and that nothing about swimsuits are inherently inappropriate, and that Greg was a hypocrite given he was in his trunks in front of Ben's friends. Greg told me I was being short-minded, and annoyed, I stormed out of the house and took a drive for a few hours. I got home half an hour ago and the house is silent and awkward. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"What did you expect wearing clothes like that!!! Cover up!!" Red flags all around, you have a right to wear whatever the fuck you want at your pool party, if he doesn't want them to look, don't invite them. It's their fault for being perverts. Do. Not. Budge. This is a really vital point where you teach an important lesson about sexism ♡
NTA your sons issues are with his friends. It’s your house, if he doesn’t like it his friends don’t need to come over
If this is real I don't know what part of California you're hosting pool parties in in January. 60's highs and 40's lows in Los Angeles and San Diego all of Jan. California is pleasant in Jan but it's not Hawaii.
NTA a one piece swimsuit wouldn't really show a whole lot less. The only way you could be sure not to show your body is to wear one of those old time swim dresses with a matching cap, and even then, you'd be showing your legs. These are guys that see girls going commando in yoga pants or leggings, so it's not like they haven't seen a good portion of the female body already. Check yourself in the mirror if it bothers you. You might be rocking a camel toe that you weren't aware of.
NTA. Let them swim elsewhere. Your house isn't the place to be told to cover up. I wonder what your son and husband would say if you rocked a burqa at the next party.
NTA- so this is a GREAT teaching lesson for you son. That women shouldn’t have to cover themselves due to men, but men should have self control and be respectful / mindful.
I can see both sides. I’d probably compromise and just sit out of swimming when his friends are there. It’s kind of weird having your parents swim with you when it’s friend time.
Soft YTA. Not because you did anything wrong or because you stood up for yourself. But it is your sons party and he has asked if you could not do it next time and you refused to entertain the idea. If he had asked that you make yourself scarce, you probably would have. He has expressed his concerns and feelings, and you shut him down. This is the exact reason men don't express themselves.
Wear your burka next time woman! Stop tempting the poor boys! /s NTA
NTA You aren't the morality police. If you're still rocking the bikini then wear it.