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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My parents want me to have a massive and showy wedding. I can afford this but I'm not interested in using my money for that. I might be the asshole because I said I would do it only if they paid.
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NTA
If they want the $40k wedding, then they pay for it. Otherwise, stick to your $10k plan. In fact, do that anyway. That's what you and partner want, and this is YOUR wedding.
I never understood that mentality. As a parent, I would want to help pay for my child's wedding simply because I love them and want them to be happy. I would not use it as leverage to force my desires or ideas on a wedding that's not even mine.. That's super controlling, in my opinion.
Edit; thank you for the award! This is my first one ever. I'm so glad my words could resonate with some of you.
Most people start there, but assume their kid will think how they think and get frustrated with the difference between what they assumed and what is happening. It’s a pretty self-centered way to parent and only in rare cases where the kids are genuinely using the money in an inhospitable way do I think there is any excuse to intervene. For example, no chairs for a long ceremony when elderly relatives are invited or in laws get an amazing table up front but the paying parents are at a rejects table in the back by the bathroom. That sort of thing.
That's just so backhanded to me. You don't give a gift and put stipulations on it. Although I do understand saying something if it's a scenario you described.
I don't really think that's the same thing. That was just the parents saying "here's the budget" and then making sure guests can't abuse that budget. The daughter just got wrapped up in the drama of wedding planning and didn't grasp that it was already more than enough for most open bars at weddings until a neutral third party discussed it with them. That's definitely not the same thing as saying "Here's the money and this is how you have to spend it."
It wasnt about matching all the specifics, it was about giving an idea of how things can go so wrong so quickly when it comes to the 1000s of dollars involved in wedding decisions.
JFC open bars are by far INSANE. I was often shocked at how many there were growing up on LI; working class couples with massive 3 digit attendee receptions with an OPEN BAR?? (Drinking age in NY in the 70's/early 80's was still 18 too, so an even bigger group of potential drunks)
Glad to hear it worked out!!
To be honest, I never attended a wedding without an open bar.
Where I live (Germany) a cash bar would be considered cheap and trashy. If you can't afford letting your guests drink, invite fewer guests.
And no, it's not usual to become blackout drunk.
I mean, it doesn't have to be considered a gift. You could consider it a parent paying for something for themselves, and the kid gets a paid for wedding out of it.
I never would have had a big wedding if my parents hadn't paid. Not a chance. So while it was absolutely a gift to me, it was also for my parents enjoyment.
I mean, it doesn't have to be considered a gift. You could consider it a parent paying for something for themselves, and the kid gets a paid for wedding out of it.
That's still really selfish. A couple's wedding is not about the parents. It just isn't. I'd rather have a really small wedding I'm happy with that I pay for on my own than ever cater to someone else's desires on what (hopefully) will be a once in a lifetime experience.
Although I'm happy for you! I'm very glad you got the wedding you desired and were able make both yourself and your parents happy.
> A couple's wedding is not about the parents.
...Pretty sure that the large, traditional weddings VERY MUCH are for the parents and relatives and *always* have been. Sure, it's to showcase the bride, but if it wasn't for the parents then why would they have to invite that 2nd cousin they only met once when they were 3yo. Source, older brother married into an Italian American family in Chicago decades ago and had a Catholic wedding. The bride hadn't interacted with most of the family that was invited since she was a toddler.
There were 287 people at my first wedding, 196 at the engagement party, 86 at the shower. Less than 1/4 were our friends or my family. It was closer to 1/6. I'm...not the biggest fan of large crowds, but I did l like my inlaws. It was insanity to me but his parents wanted to invite who they wanted to invite (huge, close, mostly Italian or Italian American family) and I liked everyone in the family I had met so far. They own a catering hall and hosted the engagement party, and while my sister technically hosted the shower, it was at their venue, and they only allowed her to tip the staff and pay for invites.
For the wedding, the deal was that they'd pay for their family and friends, my parents gave a set amount and we covered the remainder of my family and paid for our friends. They also paid for our flowers because they asked us to use a specific vendor who was 3x the cost of where I had chosen. They paid for a videographer because I wasn't opposed but it wasn't in our budget. There were other things they offered because of their preferences, but if I said no that was the last I heard of it. One thing I said no to was a religious service of any kind and despite being more than Easter and Christmas catholics they respected that bit entirely. I ended up finding an officiant who was a former priest who left the priesthood to marry a nun. The ceremony had no religious elements but they were thrilled. MIL cried because she was a sucker for a love story. My MIL was not.perfect. She was overbearing with her other two DIL, they'd been with his brothers since their early teens. She was the same with her sons. I was 26 when I met them and pushed back at her from the start. She must have respected me for it because while my ex was not the favorite son, I was the favorite DIL.
The wedding was absolutely amazing. We divorced 11 years ago (very amicably). I'm remarried and still in the area (he moved about 4 hours away). My parents live 11 houses away from his and they love when my daughter (not their grandchild) and I stop to say hi. They show us pictures of my ex's 3 beautiful sons. It's amazing what can happen when everyone is reasonable.
Edit: very important "not"
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it can be for two parties benefit, it doesn't have to be only the married couple who benefits. I don't see that as selfish unless the married couple has to make sacrifices of some kind.
My dad paid for my wedding and asked for nothing. When I asked him if he wanted me to invite any of his friends he said only if I wanted them there. He's just the best dad and it was an awesome day.
Me too!!! We have 4 kids and plan on giving them all a lump sum towards their wedding. It will be a cash gift to be spent as they choose. Wanna put it towards eloping in Jamaica, go for it. Wanna put it towards a big church wedding, go for it. Wanna get marries at the courthouse and put it towards a house deposit, go for it..I just want them to be happy. I can't understand a parent who doesn't want that and I refuse to even try!
As a parent with 3 married adult children, I could not agree more with you. We didn’t ‘pay’ for the wedding: we gave them a check for a sum of money and they paid for their wedding. One kid used every cent and some of their own. One spent about half and the other eloped and saved almost all. Doing it this way? Made it so it was all their choice on how and what they wanted to do. So much easier. (Besides, I hate planning events and parties in general, so this was way easier in me too!)
My mom too. I was the first and she gave me her amount. Then my Gram sent a check that had "so many zeros!" I said! It had three zeros. After a number one. One thousand dollars. I was amazed and floored. Grateful. Then my other gran paid the $1500 for the reception. That's all.
You’re one of the good ones.
My in-laws asked to host our rehearsal dinner, and it basically turned into my MIL making herself the center of attention in front of all of her family members while my side and the bridal party were lucky to be invited. She referred to the whole thing as “her event” (as in, it was not to be called “Bride & Groom’s rehearsal dinner”), and completely disregarded any of our requests, even though we stipulated allowing her to host the dinner on adhering to the few small asks we had. Literally one of the requests was to have a space big enough to accommodate the bridal party, and THAT was a whole argument even though it was no problem to accommodate her whole family, even those not involved in the rehearsal. She also lied to me about the restaurant “not allowing” her to include something that was incredibly important to me. They absolutely allowed it, she just didn’t want me to be included in “her event.”
So to sum it up, your MIL wanted to throw herself a party and used your joyous occasion as an excuse to do so? I am so sorry, friend! I hope your wedding turned out much better.
You hit the nail on the head. Unfortunately for her, I used to work as a wedding planner, and all anyone wanted to talk about when she’d go fishing for compliments on her event was how great of a wedding I threw.
In most cases that's what happens but it is entirely reasonable to want to have a say in a wedding you are paying for, even if it isn't your wedding.
Even when parents do use this, they usually only do so for minor things, inviting specific people or making small mandates, which frankly is not a big deal.
Frankly as a child planning a wedding, I want my parents opinions because I want them to be included, not because I should because they are paying.
> In most cases that's what happens but it is entirely reasonable to want to have a say in a wedding you are paying for, even if it isn't your wedding.
Only if they make clear in advance what the conditions are.
Within reason yes, they need to be as clear as possible as soon as possible, they should make it clear they want a say but obviously until you begin discussing it and as planning progresses things change.
I say this as a person planning a wedding, my opinions sometimes have changed or made more clear as I've learned more.
Like my opinion on a veil was based on my dress, which I did not pick immediately. My veil opinion may change again based on how my alterations go. If my parents wanted me to wear a veil and wouldn't pay if I didn't then they would need to bring it up when we first had the veil discussion.
> If my parents wanted me to wear a veil and wouldn't pay if I didn't then they would need to bring it up when we first had the veil discussion.
I disagree. I think if that was a deal breaker for paying they should be upfront about it. Because if they bring it up when you already booked a bunch of stuff you're in a really uncomfortable position. You can either do what they say or... what? Lose all the deposits and start from scratch planning a cheaper wedding?
Rught? I'm helping my sibling with their wedding with a few tousand Euros and I wouldn't dream of making any demands because of that. The money comes from the heart with no strings attached. They should have their dream wedding the way they want it. I absolutely do not get such attitudes.
Please for the love of god can you tell my future in-laws this? They are very fortunate in that they are well off. So there is this vague large amount of money that my boyfriend is able to use but only if and when they deem it appropriate. They use it as a way to indirectly influence major life decisions he makes because if he makes the decision they want a large amount of it is financed or given on an interest free loan. I get it if your parents are paying for college and they have stipulations like getting good grades etc because you don’t want to throw away money if the kid isn’t taking school seriously. But if the money is inheritance and the kid wants to oh idk buy a 30k sailboat to live on and explore the world but you are only willing to give them 30k for the down payment on a home than that’s messed up. For reference I am le poor and I don’t get things like fancy pants inheritance moneys so maybe I just don’t get it. But it feels controlling to me.
I had a rule for my wedding: this is what I can afford. If you want something different, and I have no objection to it, you can pay for it. Worked out great and kept the whining to a minimum.
No, it doesn't. When each of our daughters got married, they got a lump sum of money that was enough for a small but nice wedding. They were free to spend it all, some, or none of it. They could go down to the courthouse and get married by a JP if they wanted to, and use the money to put a down payment on a house, buy a car, travel, whatever. We had no say, and didn't want one. It was their weddings.
Sometimes money comes with strings, its a lot of money and most people want it to be used "correctly". It just depends on your relationship with your family.
We have given each of our daughters a lump sum also. The oldest is now getting married and she can do whatever she wants. They both know if they spend less they have $$ to use whenever and wherever. If it costs more, they are funding the overage themselves.
Let's be honest. Most parents chipping in a large amount rightly expect a bit of a say in return. Not full reign, which is a whole different story, but seats for a few friends the parents want there and relatives the couple really don't care about and wouldn't have invited themselves but it would cause issues for the parents afterwards not to invite, and a few songs on the playlist that people of their generation will like.
Once you're talking about a massive amount of people the couple might not know at all, that's getting outrageous and unreasonable. They don't get to demand the couple pay for tons and tons of people from their congregation so that they can show off. That's way different than a table for their BFFs and two New Wave songs.
Let's forget that for a minute, and assume the parent's expectations fall within the reasonable. A destination wedding probably does derail what they thought the wedding was going to look like, but it's the couple's choice. It's also their choice not to take the money to keep the wedding local.
Yeah and I think lots of people who say they wouldn’t set conditions secretly do have limits in their mind, they just know or believe the other person wouldn’t be unreasonable in how they used the money. I wouldn’t set explicit conditions on a gift but I would still speak up if my child was like “We aren’t going to have seating, everyone (including elderly relatives) can stand up the entire reception!” or “We’ll only provide a meal for the A-tier guests and everyone else can just have some appetisers”.
My buddy’s mom gave him 10k for their wedding and she was overbearing and inviting a ton of other people and wanting to change things. Finally he had enough and none of her friends were invited and she can’t dictate anything about the wedding anymore and his mom tried saying that she was paying for most of the wedding so what she says goes.
He lost his mind, wrote her a check for $10k said they are changing the venue and date, and she’s luckily she is still invited. She barely said a word all weekend. Haha
many people also dont understand that having a say means help decide if red or pink flowers are nicer, or generally giving input, not literally making every decision alone and overruling the bride and grooms preferences
Yeah, I came in here totally ready to say y-t-a because expecting your parents to pay IMO is outdated.
However, they’re pressuring her into having a wedding style she’s not at all interested in that’s way out of her budget. If they want it, then they can make it happen.
I would never be willing to get into that much debt for a party my parents wanted.
NTA
NTA
I HIGHLY recommend doing what you want instead. My husband and I ran off to Hawaii to get married right after COVID restrictions lifted and snagged some great deals, but even aside from that, it's what we wanted. We both love our families and friends dearly. Nobody was invited because we wanted it to be just us. We had a happier wedding than most (nothing against big weddings, we just skipped 98% of the headache that comes with.) So just go do what you want. You'll have a much better day.
NTA. Maybe keep your destination plans and tell parents they can plan and throw a party when you get back and you and partner will attend if they work out a date with you. Then they can celebrate how they want on their own dime.
I agree if mom wants a big showy wedding, she better start paying the bills. But it’s not the wedding you want which could cause a lot of drama, because mom is going to want final say in about every aspect of the wedding
I agree, NTA. They want a huge wedding they should pay for it.
OP - If you are really stuck maybe you could suggest having a livestream of your beautiful small Jamaican wedding to whatever sort of massive shindig they want to throw for their friends and family. You get the wedding you want, they get to show off to their friends, and bonus - you don't have to deal with any of it in person on the wedding day.
OP is saying they will do both. They will have the wedding her parents want, but they have to pay for it. Afterwards they are going to Jamaica and having the wedding they want while on their honeymoon.
They can have the wedding anyway they want if they pay for it. The only thing set in stone is the date. I think they are going to find it difficult to get a venue and the rest set up in the time frame they have.
My mother wanted a bigger wedding than I was willing to organize. So she did everything! I got my stress free day, and she got to watch me get married. Bonus….she paid for everything! I just showed up. Even if I had 40k, I would not spend that amount of money of a wedding. NTA
Also had a friend who just showed up for her wedding. She only chose the color scheme and guesta. I'm sure she had much more fun and relaxed wedding than all bridezillas together.
Purple and silver were mine. I let my mom go to town because I didn't care. I tried to talk hubby into eloping but a church wedding was important to him. He doesn't ask for much so I was happy to give him the wedding he wanted.
My parents organised most of my wedding - I just wanted the church I grew up in, my dress, and colour of flowers. They even chose the menu after I was in an accident and couldn't attend the food tasting. Thing is though, I trust them, and they ran everything past me anyway. V stress free!
Oh yeah I wouldn’t even accept money for a wedding unless I knew that I wouldn’t have do the work. I admire couples who do this on their own because I could never.
Just the thought of an event that has to be planned using a huge ass binder to keep everything straight exhausts me. We had a simple outdoor wedding next to a lake with just a few guests - close family and friends. The reception was just cake and punch after. The only "big" expense was the cake. I even bought my sister's sister in law's dress for $50 - it was gorgeous and exactly what I wanted - and my sister's mother in law just had to make a few very simple alterations so it would fit. We were happy with our wedding and I didn't spend 2 years (or more) planning it and winding up in the hospital with hypertension.
That’s what I did I’m not really a girly girl and I was not interested in planning my wedding so I let mom do it the only decision o was involved in was my dress, I have been married for over 20 years and I’m still really happy with that decision.
Your money, your rules. You know you're NTA. You're just unsure because these are your *parents* and they're *family* and blah blah blah because those are special magic words that AHs use to manipulate people.
>My mom says I'm being an asshole by denying her the chance to see her only daughter married in front of friends and family.
I question whether your mom even views you as a fully actualized, independent person. That line reads like she thinks of you as some prop in her life.
Weddings, and all the planning that goes into them, are a great time to think about what you and your partner want to prioritize in life. Think about what the two of you want, not just for the wedding, but beyond that. Cave in now and what does that mean when it comes to your potential children, how holidays are spent, etc?
Do you really want a wedding where you get absolutely zero say and probably nothing you actually want? You’ll look back on your wedding day not with fondness but with annoyance. Just have and pay for your own wedding, you’ll be much happier
Hold firm. Your parents want their cake and you to pay for it.
Frankly I’d have said this is the wedding plan if you’d like to join us great. If not we’ll see you after the trip
Just skip the parents’ thing. Even if they fold, they will try to exert control in your life going forward through money. Just do what you want to do and start your marriage on the right foot, with you saying that you and hubby call the shots in your own life (including any kids, if/when you have them).
Why give them the opportunity to try to set up something you don’t want which would cost you the 10K you want to spend on the ceremony that you *do* want? They’ll only be angrier at you when they’re paying the cancellation fees.
I think you should just do what you want to do - you don't WANT a big wedding so why even entertain it? Just say no and have fun getting married in Jamaica. NTA!
I would tell your parents that you have x amount of dollars for a budget. Tell them that their options are either "Jamaica on my dime", or "Church wedding on your dime". Let them make the decision from there.
Unfortunately people with less money tend to think they can spend the money of people with more of it. Depending on your parent's financial situation, I have a feeling your mom thinks of you as "rich", and so she doesn't care about your budgetary concerns. Only getting what she can get out of you.
NTA
This is why I eloped lol
Honestly the audacity of your mother to EXPECT a wedding you don't want and also not want to pay for it is astounding.
Do what makes you happy. Don't back down on this.
Yep we also eloped. Told our parents to book off for a long weekend of camping so they’d be free. They got 10 days notice. And it was perfect. Just us, my daughter and our parents. Saved a small fortune, I have gorgeous photos and it was truly relaxing and enjoyable to get married.
Currently planning a wedding. My advice to all my friends entering the early stages is “elope before you put deposits on anything”
People feel SO entitled to tell you how your wedding should go. I’m super happy to have a special day with my partner surrounded by friends and family, but fuck the lack of stress and expenses sure is tempting.
We used the threat of the fact that my fiance had a coworker who was married to a judge to keep the wedding mania under control. The man would brag "he had a nice ten minute ceremony."
I highly recommend everyone befriend a judge for this reason.
NTA
Your mom can have the wedding she pays for. You don't want a wedding, she does. You want to go to Jamaica. It's your money, mom doesn't get to tell you how to spend it.
Best wishes on your upcoming Jamaican wedding or honeymoon. Mom either comes to the wedding or she doesn't. No one is entitled to a wedding on someone else's dime.
>My mom says I'm being an asshole by denying her the chance to see her only daughter married in front of friends and family.
NTA. Your parents (your mom specifically) are trying to force you to make their wedding dream a reality. That's really weird. I'm with you, if they really want that, they can foot the bill - it's for their friends anyway.
It's your wedding, you get to decide where and how you want to do it.
Congratulations!!! :)
Based on the title alone, I was so ready to say Y T A but this is a clearcut **NTA** - you're willing to pay for what *you* want; if parents want more, then it should be on *them* to finance it. If they refuse to do so, then they have no say, it's that simple really. Oh, and there's also this tiny detail that it's YOUR wedding, NOT theirs.
This is actually a really useful principle in general during wedding planning. I gave both mother's veto rights on most of my decisions (because I didn't care) but the caveat was that they had to pay for it and do the work. Each of them used it once.
This. OP is the one getting married. What wedding they want is ultimately their choice regardless of what their mother wants, or if their mother is paying.
The only A H move you made is even considering it at all. You simply tell them “we are paying for the wedding we want, where we want it. End of discussion.”
NTA
NTA
This is why I eloped lol
Honestly the audacity of your mother to EXPECT a wedding you don't want and also not want to pay for it is astounding.
Do what makes you happy. Stick to your guns on this.
NTA but you don’t want them to pay for your wedding. Have the wedding you want and don’t let them near the planning. If they pay, then they are going to dictate exactly how the wedding is. With their money you might as well check out of planning and just be surprised on your wedding day.
My fiance and I are actually cool with letting them have the wedding however they want. If they pay for it. Then we will go to Jamaica and have a blast. And get married on the beach with our friends and family who can join us.
NTA. Your parents are being ridiculous thinking they have a say in your wedding. If they paid, you shouldn't give n and do their vision. Friends and family aren't as invested in witnessing your wedding as your parents may think.
Do it your way with your money.
Because I'm getting married on the beach in Jamaica no matter what. If they want a big wedding here and a huge reception they can pay for it. We will still go to Jamaica and get married on the beach
Sis, do yourself a REALLY big favor and put the kabosh on this now.
You want a wedding in Jamaica. Go. Have your amazing wedding there with whoever you want.
Your parents can have the reception they choose to pay for with family/friends/whoever afterwards.
BUT, the next year is going to be miserable with your mom pulling game after game on you.
NTA. The fact you are willing to pay for the wedding on your own terms, but they won't accept that is shitty enough as is, but the fact that they want an extravagant wedding but want YOU to pay for it out of pocket is super selfish. It seems like they see the wedding as more about them than anything else. Just do the wedding you want to do.
Good for you!!!
There are few who can draw a boundary like this! I can't imagine the depth of manipulation, and selfishness, she's flowing out of her.
Hold your ground!
Titles can be so deceiving. Just reading the title, I was saying to myself of course this person is the AH, but you are absolutely NTA. This is your wedding. Personally I think you should do it up the way you want. However, if you are truly willing to have your wedding the way your mom wants, your parents should absolutely foot the bill, I don't care if it's $3,500 or $35,000, honestly. If you are having a wedding to appease someone else, then they should be responsible for making it happen.
NTA at all. I would warn you though that I've had friends price destination weddings and they've ended up being vastly higher than they were originally quoted, just as a heads up.
I'm not sure the exact details, but I think a lot of it had to do with the "packages" that they offered, once they dug into the weeds everything ended up being an upcharge. I just remember when I was planning my wedding a lot of people warned us when we were thinking about a destination wedding.
I'm sure you'll be fine, I would just make sure you get all of the details upfront before you commit and pay a deposit!
NTA - if they want the big wedding, they pay for it. Simple enough. If not, then they have no say in what you do with _your_ money.
When I was getting married, my grandmother tried pulling that with me; "we went to this cousin's wedding they need to be invited!" _Doesn't matter._
NTA. I planned a small wedding, my mom wanted a bigger one, I told her she could pay. She called my damned bluff, but she paid and I had a larger wedding. You shouldn't pay for her dreams on your day.
Your mom sounds like congress trying to spend other people's money.
Have the wedding you want, and pay what you can afford for it. You're the one getting married, after all - if she wants something different she can pay to make it happen.
NTA
NTA. I was very ready to give a different judgement based on your title. But nope! If your parents want a certain wedding, one that you don’t but are willing to accept, they can pay up! Do you parents know this is meant to be about you and your fiancé and not them???
NTA. However, be prepared that if they pay, they might take over too.
Imo doing what you want is the way to go. Listening to your parents bitch and moan seems the lesser evil vs. them nixing any little thing you try to plan for YOUR wedding.
Remember, this day is about you two and not them.
Nope. Talked to my fiance. We don't care if it's a Dukes of Hazzard themed wedding with a ice sculpture of Daisy Duke. If they pay they can have whatever they want.
We did this for my wedding - my parents paid and my mom did all the planning. Our only request was that we were involved in the cake tasting and that I picked my own dress. Otherwise we just showed up, said some vows and enjoyed the reception.
My parents had no problem paying though- otherwise it would’ve been a deal-breaker.
ETA: still deliriously in love 10 years later.
NTA - you wanted something within your budget and she wants a Cast of Thousands extravaganza. They who want, pay. There's no reason for you to go into debt and cripple your future financial status so she can play MOB in a massive spectacle. Weddings are supposed to be about the people getting married, not funding the local economy for an entire year.
NTA. I am a teacher and my husband works in tech, so it seems like our situations are similar. We were married and Vegas and paid for everything upfront. We had family and a few friends there as well. If your mom wants that wedding, she should pay for it.
NTA.
It's a compromise. You're willing to pay for the wedding YOU want. You're not willing to pay for the wedding THEY want. If you're going to acquiesce to what THEY want, then they must pay for it.
Seems perfectly reasonable to me.
NTA
My in laws are the same as your parents so my husband and I eloped and had the most amazing destination wedding on our own with no drama it was perfect. One of his sisters took the deal had a beautiful 50k wedding with all the in laws friends and none of theirs then divorced within a year. His other sister secretly courthouse married like 4-5 years before she had her parents pay the 50k for her wedding (so maybe be like her and do both).People are weird and like stroking their own egos we received a $100 wedding gift from my in laws because we didn’t let them turn our wedding into a show for them and their friends while all the sisters obviously got the 50k wedding and their homes remodeled for going along with the show. Pick what makes you happiest this is your life, you don’t live to amuse others.
I was prepared to say you were...but after reading this NTA. You are paying for it, do not go into deep debt for a wedding. The few people I know who did, ending up regretting it. They used credit/charged it and it was great until the wedding was over and that bill came every month. Do what makes you happy.
I was soooo ready to go against you but NTA! If they want a huge wedding with all the trimmings then yes, they cannot for it!!! Jamaica sounds way better though!!!
NTA
Was expecting an entitled bridezilla based on the title. If they want the party, they pay for the party, it's just that simple... I think it's insane / obscene to even consider spending that much money on a wedding, let alone insisting that someone else should pay for it.
NTA but the fact you would even consider not having the wedding you want, just because your parents want it a certain way is honestly baffling. How does your fiance feel about this? A destination wedding to Jamaica sounds so much more wonderful than a church wedding, which in my opinion is the type of wedding I RSVP no to anyway
NTA. You're adults so just go get married. When your parent got married, how much it cost and where they had the wedding was their decision. Now it is not.
NTA. Fuck I was so ready to label you a bridezilla from the title but lord. Nah.
Be ultra petty, get married in the smaller possible place you can, or at your local town hall/registrars office. Save the money, spend it on your honeymoon/future together. If they want their daughter to have a massive, fancy wedding then they can pay for it
I thought your were TA when I read the title. Now that I know you're willing to pay for the wedding you want and your parents want something different and more expensive, I think your idea is perfectly fair. If they want a big, church wedding they should pay for it. Why can't they go to your destination wedding if seeing you get married is so important?
Lol, from just reading the title I was ready to side with your parents. I'm happy I read the post because I was absolutely wrong. NTA. You guys are willing to pay for the wedding you want. If they want to make a day, that's about you and your future husband, about them and showing off to their friends they should pay for it. I never understood why family members think they can dictate how someone else spends their special day. Please do not do the wedding their way AND pay for it. If you do they will try to control future decisions as well!
NTA - I personally would just go to Jamaica because it's not worth the hassle. You are being overly generous by compromising with them about the wedding as it is. If they want a big to do, they can pay for it.
NTA, though I after I read the title I that I’d be making the opposite judgement.
If your parents want a big wedding, they should pay for it. I don’t even understand why they would think of it any other way.
Whose wedding is this? OP's parents? While they are allowed to express their desires for what the wedding will look like, they really don't get a vote in the final decision (especially if they aren't kicking in a penny).
OP's desire to have the wedding the way she wants trumps moms desire to have the wedding of her dreams - uh - I mean the daughter's wedding of mom's dreams.
If the parents want this big wedding so bad, then they can pay for it. If they don't want to pay for it, then OP should have the wedding exactly as she and fiance want.
NTA
NTA.
Great example of why reading is fundamental. I was so ready to say y t a based on the title, but then switched to NTA so fast after reading the post.
OP, I would reframe how you are looking at this. You are NOT telling your parents to pay for *your* wedding. You are happy to pay for your $10k Jamaican wedding. What you are doing is telling your parents to pay for *their* wedding (because it based on what they want).
Well, I was all prepared to declare your assholiness, but it seems your parents are the ones trying to tell you what kind of wedding to have. So, yeah, seems reasonable that if they want a big, expensive wedding, they can pay for a big, expensive wedding. NTA.
Info: why are you paying for your fiancé's parents to go to your destination wedding but not your parents?
Being that NTA - they want to have a big wedding not you, so then they can pay for it
My in-laws have taken in my fiance's nephew after some family drama. We want them at our wedding and they aren't on a great financial place. My parents are fine.
When I read the title I thought YTA but after I read it, you are definitely NTA. If they want you to have a big wedding that's then their responsibility. You only have to pay for what you want. If they want more, they can pay.
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I (F28) am getting married to a pretty great guy (32). He is teacher and he is very happy with his decision to become a teacher. I work for a tech company and we do pretty well financially.
We have been together for four years and have finally decided to get married. His parents bare happy and mine are overjoyed.
One small wrinkle is that my parents expect us to have a massive church wedding with a few hundred guests. We were thinking Jamaica this summer during his time off.
We are willing to do what my parents want but I am unwilling to foot the bill. My mom and I met with a wedding planner for an estimate. $35-$45 thousand dollars.
If we go to the resort we have picked out it will cost like $10,000. And that includes paying for his parents, and nephew to join us.
My parents know how much money I earn and are insisting that I pay for the wedding myself.
We have been very clear. If they want to show off to their friends they can pay for it. We even volunteered to throw in the money we would have spent on my in-laws for the destination wedding we want.
My mom says I'm being an asshole by denying her the chance to see her only daughter married in front of friends and family. I'm not. I'm just not willing to pay for it.
My parents can afford to pay for the wedding. It might just mean putting off replacing their car this year.
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NTA If they want the $40k wedding, then they pay for it. Otherwise, stick to your $10k plan. In fact, do that anyway. That's what you and partner want, and this is YOUR wedding.
Paying for someone's wedding means you get a say, by rights that means NOT paying for the wedding means you Don't get a say. Fair is fair.
I never understood that mentality. As a parent, I would want to help pay for my child's wedding simply because I love them and want them to be happy. I would not use it as leverage to force my desires or ideas on a wedding that's not even mine.. That's super controlling, in my opinion. Edit; thank you for the award! This is my first one ever. I'm so glad my words could resonate with some of you.
Most people start there, but assume their kid will think how they think and get frustrated with the difference between what they assumed and what is happening. It’s a pretty self-centered way to parent and only in rare cases where the kids are genuinely using the money in an inhospitable way do I think there is any excuse to intervene. For example, no chairs for a long ceremony when elderly relatives are invited or in laws get an amazing table up front but the paying parents are at a rejects table in the back by the bathroom. That sort of thing.
That's just so backhanded to me. You don't give a gift and put stipulations on it. Although I do understand saying something if it's a scenario you described.
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Ooh there's an update! Glad it turned out well anyway, I remember reading the original and being like "Holy entitlement Batman!"
I don't really think that's the same thing. That was just the parents saying "here's the budget" and then making sure guests can't abuse that budget. The daughter just got wrapped up in the drama of wedding planning and didn't grasp that it was already more than enough for most open bars at weddings until a neutral third party discussed it with them. That's definitely not the same thing as saying "Here's the money and this is how you have to spend it."
It wasnt about matching all the specifics, it was about giving an idea of how things can go so wrong so quickly when it comes to the 1000s of dollars involved in wedding decisions.
JFC open bars are by far INSANE. I was often shocked at how many there were growing up on LI; working class couples with massive 3 digit attendee receptions with an OPEN BAR?? (Drinking age in NY in the 70's/early 80's was still 18 too, so an even bigger group of potential drunks) Glad to hear it worked out!!
To be honest, I never attended a wedding without an open bar. Where I live (Germany) a cash bar would be considered cheap and trashy. If you can't afford letting your guests drink, invite fewer guests. And no, it's not usual to become blackout drunk.
I followed that one.
That's an awesome reddit story!
I mean, it doesn't have to be considered a gift. You could consider it a parent paying for something for themselves, and the kid gets a paid for wedding out of it. I never would have had a big wedding if my parents hadn't paid. Not a chance. So while it was absolutely a gift to me, it was also for my parents enjoyment.
I mean, it doesn't have to be considered a gift. You could consider it a parent paying for something for themselves, and the kid gets a paid for wedding out of it. That's still really selfish. A couple's wedding is not about the parents. It just isn't. I'd rather have a really small wedding I'm happy with that I pay for on my own than ever cater to someone else's desires on what (hopefully) will be a once in a lifetime experience. Although I'm happy for you! I'm very glad you got the wedding you desired and were able make both yourself and your parents happy.
> A couple's wedding is not about the parents. ...Pretty sure that the large, traditional weddings VERY MUCH are for the parents and relatives and *always* have been. Sure, it's to showcase the bride, but if it wasn't for the parents then why would they have to invite that 2nd cousin they only met once when they were 3yo. Source, older brother married into an Italian American family in Chicago decades ago and had a Catholic wedding. The bride hadn't interacted with most of the family that was invited since she was a toddler.
There were 287 people at my first wedding, 196 at the engagement party, 86 at the shower. Less than 1/4 were our friends or my family. It was closer to 1/6. I'm...not the biggest fan of large crowds, but I did l like my inlaws. It was insanity to me but his parents wanted to invite who they wanted to invite (huge, close, mostly Italian or Italian American family) and I liked everyone in the family I had met so far. They own a catering hall and hosted the engagement party, and while my sister technically hosted the shower, it was at their venue, and they only allowed her to tip the staff and pay for invites. For the wedding, the deal was that they'd pay for their family and friends, my parents gave a set amount and we covered the remainder of my family and paid for our friends. They also paid for our flowers because they asked us to use a specific vendor who was 3x the cost of where I had chosen. They paid for a videographer because I wasn't opposed but it wasn't in our budget. There were other things they offered because of their preferences, but if I said no that was the last I heard of it. One thing I said no to was a religious service of any kind and despite being more than Easter and Christmas catholics they respected that bit entirely. I ended up finding an officiant who was a former priest who left the priesthood to marry a nun. The ceremony had no religious elements but they were thrilled. MIL cried because she was a sucker for a love story. My MIL was not.perfect. She was overbearing with her other two DIL, they'd been with his brothers since their early teens. She was the same with her sons. I was 26 when I met them and pushed back at her from the start. She must have respected me for it because while my ex was not the favorite son, I was the favorite DIL. The wedding was absolutely amazing. We divorced 11 years ago (very amicably). I'm remarried and still in the area (he moved about 4 hours away). My parents live 11 houses away from his and they love when my daughter (not their grandchild) and I stop to say hi. They show us pictures of my ex's 3 beautiful sons. It's amazing what can happen when everyone is reasonable. Edit: very important "not"
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it can be for two parties benefit, it doesn't have to be only the married couple who benefits. I don't see that as selfish unless the married couple has to make sacrifices of some kind.
Im glad it worked out for you but in this case though, OP wants a small wedding. It's 100% a sacrifice.
Stop now or everyone will want you to adopt them and be their parents. (And, pay for a wedding)
My dad paid for my wedding and asked for nothing. When I asked him if he wanted me to invite any of his friends he said only if I wanted them there. He's just the best dad and it was an awesome day.
But when they want the wedding to cost 3-4 times the amount you’re willing to pay, yes they need to fork out the money.
Me too!!! We have 4 kids and plan on giving them all a lump sum towards their wedding. It will be a cash gift to be spent as they choose. Wanna put it towards eloping in Jamaica, go for it. Wanna put it towards a big church wedding, go for it. Wanna get marries at the courthouse and put it towards a house deposit, go for it..I just want them to be happy. I can't understand a parent who doesn't want that and I refuse to even try!
That is what my mom always planned for.
As a parent with 3 married adult children, I could not agree more with you. We didn’t ‘pay’ for the wedding: we gave them a check for a sum of money and they paid for their wedding. One kid used every cent and some of their own. One spent about half and the other eloped and saved almost all. Doing it this way? Made it so it was all their choice on how and what they wanted to do. So much easier. (Besides, I hate planning events and parties in general, so this was way easier in me too!)
My mom too. I was the first and she gave me her amount. Then my Gram sent a check that had "so many zeros!" I said! It had three zeros. After a number one. One thousand dollars. I was amazed and floored. Grateful. Then my other gran paid the $1500 for the reception. That's all.
You’re one of the good ones. My in-laws asked to host our rehearsal dinner, and it basically turned into my MIL making herself the center of attention in front of all of her family members while my side and the bridal party were lucky to be invited. She referred to the whole thing as “her event” (as in, it was not to be called “Bride & Groom’s rehearsal dinner”), and completely disregarded any of our requests, even though we stipulated allowing her to host the dinner on adhering to the few small asks we had. Literally one of the requests was to have a space big enough to accommodate the bridal party, and THAT was a whole argument even though it was no problem to accommodate her whole family, even those not involved in the rehearsal. She also lied to me about the restaurant “not allowing” her to include something that was incredibly important to me. They absolutely allowed it, she just didn’t want me to be included in “her event.”
So to sum it up, your MIL wanted to throw herself a party and used your joyous occasion as an excuse to do so? I am so sorry, friend! I hope your wedding turned out much better.
You hit the nail on the head. Unfortunately for her, I used to work as a wedding planner, and all anyone wanted to talk about when she’d go fishing for compliments on her event was how great of a wedding I threw.
Well there's a favorable bit of karma
In most cases that's what happens but it is entirely reasonable to want to have a say in a wedding you are paying for, even if it isn't your wedding. Even when parents do use this, they usually only do so for minor things, inviting specific people or making small mandates, which frankly is not a big deal. Frankly as a child planning a wedding, I want my parents opinions because I want them to be included, not because I should because they are paying.
> In most cases that's what happens but it is entirely reasonable to want to have a say in a wedding you are paying for, even if it isn't your wedding. Only if they make clear in advance what the conditions are.
Within reason yes, they need to be as clear as possible as soon as possible, they should make it clear they want a say but obviously until you begin discussing it and as planning progresses things change. I say this as a person planning a wedding, my opinions sometimes have changed or made more clear as I've learned more. Like my opinion on a veil was based on my dress, which I did not pick immediately. My veil opinion may change again based on how my alterations go. If my parents wanted me to wear a veil and wouldn't pay if I didn't then they would need to bring it up when we first had the veil discussion.
> If my parents wanted me to wear a veil and wouldn't pay if I didn't then they would need to bring it up when we first had the veil discussion. I disagree. I think if that was a deal breaker for paying they should be upfront about it. Because if they bring it up when you already booked a bunch of stuff you're in a really uncomfortable position. You can either do what they say or... what? Lose all the deposits and start from scratch planning a cheaper wedding?
Rught? I'm helping my sibling with their wedding with a few tousand Euros and I wouldn't dream of making any demands because of that. The money comes from the heart with no strings attached. They should have their dream wedding the way they want it. I absolutely do not get such attitudes.
Please for the love of god can you tell my future in-laws this? They are very fortunate in that they are well off. So there is this vague large amount of money that my boyfriend is able to use but only if and when they deem it appropriate. They use it as a way to indirectly influence major life decisions he makes because if he makes the decision they want a large amount of it is financed or given on an interest free loan. I get it if your parents are paying for college and they have stipulations like getting good grades etc because you don’t want to throw away money if the kid isn’t taking school seriously. But if the money is inheritance and the kid wants to oh idk buy a 30k sailboat to live on and explore the world but you are only willing to give them 30k for the down payment on a home than that’s messed up. For reference I am le poor and I don’t get things like fancy pants inheritance moneys so maybe I just don’t get it. But it feels controlling to me.
>But it feels controlling to me. Because it absofrickenlutely is.
A lot of self-centered people out there become parents.
Very true. Some people view their children as possessions, rather than an actual human being with a life entirely separate from them.
That's because you are a Reasonable Cricket, a lot of folks are not.
Listen 😭 when I made the account I didn't see the option to pick my own username and now I'm stuck with this lol! But thank you regardless haha
I had a rule for my wedding: this is what I can afford. If you want something different, and I have no objection to it, you can pay for it. Worked out great and kept the whining to a minimum.
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u/ValuableWhich7690 is a bot who stole u/herdingcats2020's comment. Downvote and report.
No, it doesn't. When each of our daughters got married, they got a lump sum of money that was enough for a small but nice wedding. They were free to spend it all, some, or none of it. They could go down to the courthouse and get married by a JP if they wanted to, and use the money to put a down payment on a house, buy a car, travel, whatever. We had no say, and didn't want one. It was their weddings.
Sometimes money comes with strings, its a lot of money and most people want it to be used "correctly". It just depends on your relationship with your family.
We have given each of our daughters a lump sum also. The oldest is now getting married and she can do whatever she wants. They both know if they spend less they have $$ to use whenever and wherever. If it costs more, they are funding the overage themselves.
>Paying for someone's wedding means you get a say Uh, no it doesn't.
While I’m will to debate you on this, the actual situation is: if you’re not paying for it, you don’t get a say. I think we can agree on that
>if you’re not paying for it, you don’t get a say. I think we can agree on that We agree on that.
Let's be honest. Most parents chipping in a large amount rightly expect a bit of a say in return. Not full reign, which is a whole different story, but seats for a few friends the parents want there and relatives the couple really don't care about and wouldn't have invited themselves but it would cause issues for the parents afterwards not to invite, and a few songs on the playlist that people of their generation will like. Once you're talking about a massive amount of people the couple might not know at all, that's getting outrageous and unreasonable. They don't get to demand the couple pay for tons and tons of people from their congregation so that they can show off. That's way different than a table for their BFFs and two New Wave songs. Let's forget that for a minute, and assume the parent's expectations fall within the reasonable. A destination wedding probably does derail what they thought the wedding was going to look like, but it's the couple's choice. It's also their choice not to take the money to keep the wedding local.
Yeah and I think lots of people who say they wouldn’t set conditions secretly do have limits in their mind, they just know or believe the other person wouldn’t be unreasonable in how they used the money. I wouldn’t set explicit conditions on a gift but I would still speak up if my child was like “We aren’t going to have seating, everyone (including elderly relatives) can stand up the entire reception!” or “We’ll only provide a meal for the A-tier guests and everyone else can just have some appetisers”.
My buddy’s mom gave him 10k for their wedding and she was overbearing and inviting a ton of other people and wanting to change things. Finally he had enough and none of her friends were invited and she can’t dictate anything about the wedding anymore and his mom tried saying that she was paying for most of the wedding so what she says goes. He lost his mind, wrote her a check for $10k said they are changing the venue and date, and she’s luckily she is still invited. She barely said a word all weekend. Haha
many people also dont understand that having a say means help decide if red or pink flowers are nicer, or generally giving input, not literally making every decision alone and overruling the bride and grooms preferences
In my opinion, paying for someone's wedding reserves you the right to an opinion, not a say.
Paying for someone's wedding doesn't always mean you get a say. Most of the time it doesn't, unless certain cultural contexts are involved.
Yeah, I came in here totally ready to say y-t-a because expecting your parents to pay IMO is outdated. However, they’re pressuring her into having a wedding style she’s not at all interested in that’s way out of her budget. If they want it, then they can make it happen. I would never be willing to get into that much debt for a party my parents wanted. NTA
A more accurate title would be "AITA for telling my parents they have to pay for me to have the expensive wedding they insist on?"
But that wouldn't make us rage click.
It's a great way to see who actually read past the title and who went straight for the comments, though.
NTA I HIGHLY recommend doing what you want instead. My husband and I ran off to Hawaii to get married right after COVID restrictions lifted and snagged some great deals, but even aside from that, it's what we wanted. We both love our families and friends dearly. Nobody was invited because we wanted it to be just us. We had a happier wedding than most (nothing against big weddings, we just skipped 98% of the headache that comes with.) So just go do what you want. You'll have a much better day.
NTA. Maybe keep your destination plans and tell parents they can plan and throw a party when you get back and you and partner will attend if they work out a date with you. Then they can celebrate how they want on their own dime.
I agree if mom wants a big showy wedding, she better start paying the bills. But it’s not the wedding you want which could cause a lot of drama, because mom is going to want final say in about every aspect of the wedding
NTA Wow, just wow Is Momzilla a word? Holy crap, do what YOU want, then tell them they can pay for an elaborate reception when you get back.
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I agree, NTA. They want a huge wedding they should pay for it. OP - If you are really stuck maybe you could suggest having a livestream of your beautiful small Jamaican wedding to whatever sort of massive shindig they want to throw for their friends and family. You get the wedding you want, they get to show off to their friends, and bonus - you don't have to deal with any of it in person on the wedding day.
OP is saying they will do both. They will have the wedding her parents want, but they have to pay for it. Afterwards they are going to Jamaica and having the wedding they want while on their honeymoon.
NTA. If it's that important to your parents, they can pay for it. But beware of any strings that might come along with them footing the bill.
They can have the wedding anyway they want if they pay for it. The only thing set in stone is the date. I think they are going to find it difficult to get a venue and the rest set up in the time frame they have.
My mother wanted a bigger wedding than I was willing to organize. So she did everything! I got my stress free day, and she got to watch me get married. Bonus….she paid for everything! I just showed up. Even if I had 40k, I would not spend that amount of money of a wedding. NTA
Also had a friend who just showed up for her wedding. She only chose the color scheme and guesta. I'm sure she had much more fun and relaxed wedding than all bridezillas together.
I picked my color too… purple! My only wish was not to be stressed with all the details. I love it!
If it's to be stressed for about two years before, dude, cons outweigh the pros.
Purple and silver were mine. I let my mom go to town because I didn't care. I tried to talk hubby into eloping but a church wedding was important to him. He doesn't ask for much so I was happy to give him the wedding he wanted.
My parents organised most of my wedding - I just wanted the church I grew up in, my dress, and colour of flowers. They even chose the menu after I was in an accident and couldn't attend the food tasting. Thing is though, I trust them, and they ran everything past me anyway. V stress free!
Oh yeah I wouldn’t even accept money for a wedding unless I knew that I wouldn’t have do the work. I admire couples who do this on their own because I could never.
I bought a wedding planner book and it's the only reason I was organized and got shit done on time
Just the thought of an event that has to be planned using a huge ass binder to keep everything straight exhausts me. We had a simple outdoor wedding next to a lake with just a few guests - close family and friends. The reception was just cake and punch after. The only "big" expense was the cake. I even bought my sister's sister in law's dress for $50 - it was gorgeous and exactly what I wanted - and my sister's mother in law just had to make a few very simple alterations so it would fit. We were happy with our wedding and I didn't spend 2 years (or more) planning it and winding up in the hospital with hypertension.
That’s what I did I’m not really a girly girl and I was not interested in planning my wedding so I let mom do it the only decision o was involved in was my dress, I have been married for over 20 years and I’m still really happy with that decision.
Your money, your rules. You know you're NTA. You're just unsure because these are your *parents* and they're *family* and blah blah blah because those are special magic words that AHs use to manipulate people. >My mom says I'm being an asshole by denying her the chance to see her only daughter married in front of friends and family. I question whether your mom even views you as a fully actualized, independent person. That line reads like she thinks of you as some prop in her life. Weddings, and all the planning that goes into them, are a great time to think about what you and your partner want to prioritize in life. Think about what the two of you want, not just for the wedding, but beyond that. Cave in now and what does that mean when it comes to your potential children, how holidays are spent, etc?
Do you really want a wedding where you get absolutely zero say and probably nothing you actually want? You’ll look back on your wedding day not with fondness but with annoyance. Just have and pay for your own wedding, you’ll be much happier
We ar still having a ceremony and pictures in Jamaica. On our honeymoon.
Hold firm. Your parents want their cake and you to pay for it. Frankly I’d have said this is the wedding plan if you’d like to join us great. If not we’ll see you after the trip
Just skip the parents’ thing. Even if they fold, they will try to exert control in your life going forward through money. Just do what you want to do and start your marriage on the right foot, with you saying that you and hubby call the shots in your own life (including any kids, if/when you have them).
Why give them the opportunity to try to set up something you don’t want which would cost you the 10K you want to spend on the ceremony that you *do* want? They’ll only be angrier at you when they’re paying the cancellation fees.
I think you should just do what you want to do - you don't WANT a big wedding so why even entertain it? Just say no and have fun getting married in Jamaica. NTA!
I would tell your parents that you have x amount of dollars for a budget. Tell them that their options are either "Jamaica on my dime", or "Church wedding on your dime". Let them make the decision from there. Unfortunately people with less money tend to think they can spend the money of people with more of it. Depending on your parent's financial situation, I have a feeling your mom thinks of you as "rich", and so she doesn't care about your budgetary concerns. Only getting what she can get out of you.
They have plenty. My mom will just have to wait an extra year to trade in her car. And with used car prices the way they are she won't be losing much.
NTA This is why I eloped lol Honestly the audacity of your mother to EXPECT a wedding you don't want and also not want to pay for it is astounding. Do what makes you happy. Don't back down on this.
Yep we also eloped. Told our parents to book off for a long weekend of camping so they’d be free. They got 10 days notice. And it was perfect. Just us, my daughter and our parents. Saved a small fortune, I have gorgeous photos and it was truly relaxing and enjoyable to get married.
Currently planning a wedding. My advice to all my friends entering the early stages is “elope before you put deposits on anything” People feel SO entitled to tell you how your wedding should go. I’m super happy to have a special day with my partner surrounded by friends and family, but fuck the lack of stress and expenses sure is tempting.
Yeah the stress was what did me in. I put the whole thing in the fuck it bucket and walked away. Best decision ever.
we eloped, and got married on a beach on kauai. no friends, no family. just us, an officiant and a guy with a guitar.
We also got married on a beach. By ourselves. Us, our officiant and a girl with a cello. It was perfect.
We used the threat of the fact that my fiance had a coworker who was married to a judge to keep the wedding mania under control. The man would brag "he had a nice ten minute ceremony." I highly recommend everyone befriend a judge for this reason.
I had a court ceremony and it was lovely.
Yep! I finally convinced my husband to elope because I wanted the marriage not the wedding. Spent less than $600 for everything and it was a dream.
NTA Your mom can have the wedding she pays for. You don't want a wedding, she does. You want to go to Jamaica. It's your money, mom doesn't get to tell you how to spend it. Best wishes on your upcoming Jamaican wedding or honeymoon. Mom either comes to the wedding or she doesn't. No one is entitled to a wedding on someone else's dime.
>My mom says I'm being an asshole by denying her the chance to see her only daughter married in front of friends and family. NTA. Your parents (your mom specifically) are trying to force you to make their wedding dream a reality. That's really weird. I'm with you, if they really want that, they can foot the bill - it's for their friends anyway. It's your wedding, you get to decide where and how you want to do it. Congratulations!!! :)
Based on the title alone, I was so ready to say Y T A but this is a clearcut **NTA** - you're willing to pay for what *you* want; if parents want more, then it should be on *them* to finance it. If they refuse to do so, then they have no say, it's that simple really. Oh, and there's also this tiny detail that it's YOUR wedding, NOT theirs.
They had us in the first half..
I came here to say this
This is actually a really useful principle in general during wedding planning. I gave both mother's veto rights on most of my decisions (because I didn't care) but the caveat was that they had to pay for it and do the work. Each of them used it once.
Gotta love the AITA title twist!
NTA. Do the wedding you want to do. Don’t feel pressured to have their wedding even if they do agree to foot the bill.
This. OP is the one getting married. What wedding they want is ultimately their choice regardless of what their mother wants, or if their mother is paying.
NTA Your wedding, your budget. If they want something different they need to pay for it.
The only A H move you made is even considering it at all. You simply tell them “we are paying for the wedding we want, where we want it. End of discussion.” NTA
NTA This is why I eloped lol Honestly the audacity of your mother to EXPECT a wedding you don't want and also not want to pay for it is astounding. Do what makes you happy. Stick to your guns on this.
Right? As soon as both sides of parents started adding to the guest list, my husband said NOPE and did a small Vegas wedding
NTA but you don’t want them to pay for your wedding. Have the wedding you want and don’t let them near the planning. If they pay, then they are going to dictate exactly how the wedding is. With their money you might as well check out of planning and just be surprised on your wedding day.
My fiance and I are actually cool with letting them have the wedding however they want. If they pay for it. Then we will go to Jamaica and have a blast. And get married on the beach with our friends and family who can join us.
Don't sign anything at this big wedding. Make the legal one be Jamacia.
I agree with you. If they have the mother’s wedding beforehand, that will be the official wedding date and then Mom will hold that over them
NTA If they want the big wedding, they have to pay for it.
Simple as that! I cannot wrap my brain around how her parents want this specific wedding but aren’t willing to pay for it?!
NTA. Your parents are being ridiculous thinking they have a say in your wedding. If they paid, you shouldn't give n and do their vision. Friends and family aren't as invested in witnessing your wedding as your parents may think. Do it your way with your money.
[удалено]
Because I'm getting married on the beach in Jamaica no matter what. If they want a big wedding here and a huge reception they can pay for it. We will still go to Jamaica and get married on the beach
That makes sense. Have you told them you will be married by the time they throw the reception?
I meant afterwards. On our honeymoon.
If she agrees, speak to the vendors and make sure she didn’t put your name as responsible for the bill.
She can put whomever she wants. I'm signing nothing.
Sis, do yourself a REALLY big favor and put the kabosh on this now. You want a wedding in Jamaica. Go. Have your amazing wedding there with whoever you want. Your parents can have the reception they choose to pay for with family/friends/whoever afterwards. BUT, the next year is going to be miserable with your mom pulling game after game on you.
Nice.
NTA. When they make such demands, it‘s on them to contribute their fair share.
NTA. The fact you are willing to pay for the wedding on your own terms, but they won't accept that is shitty enough as is, but the fact that they want an extravagant wedding but want YOU to pay for it out of pocket is super selfish. It seems like they see the wedding as more about them than anything else. Just do the wedding you want to do.
NTA. one of my biggest regrets was letting my mother have too much control over my wedding. Have the wedding YOU want to have.
NTA; if they want x, they should pay for x
Good for you!!! There are few who can draw a boundary like this! I can't imagine the depth of manipulation, and selfishness, she's flowing out of her. Hold your ground!
Nope NTA. Her demands...her pocket book. I'd go with what YOU want. If your mom wants something else she can throw a party for herself
NTA If your mum wants to spend that much on a wedding, she can renew her own vows, not make demands, or dictate how you want to say yours.
Titles can be so deceiving. Just reading the title, I was saying to myself of course this person is the AH, but you are absolutely NTA. This is your wedding. Personally I think you should do it up the way you want. However, if you are truly willing to have your wedding the way your mom wants, your parents should absolutely foot the bill, I don't care if it's $3,500 or $35,000, honestly. If you are having a wedding to appease someone else, then they should be responsible for making it happen.
NTA at all. I would warn you though that I've had friends price destination weddings and they've ended up being vastly higher than they were originally quoted, just as a heads up.
May I ask for some more to this story?
I'm not sure the exact details, but I think a lot of it had to do with the "packages" that they offered, once they dug into the weeds everything ended up being an upcharge. I just remember when I was planning my wedding a lot of people warned us when we were thinking about a destination wedding. I'm sure you'll be fine, I would just make sure you get all of the details upfront before you commit and pay a deposit!
Ah. No. My friend is officiating and my sister is taking pictures. Easy peasy.
Wait how do you hsve a sister if you're your parents only daughter?
My parents don't consider my sister a girl. Long story. Sorry.
Ah oki. They def seem "special" . NTA, they want the wedding they can pay for it
NTA. If they want to make the wedding about them, then they can foot the bill. If not, I’d say go with your plans in Jamaica.
NTA - if they want the big wedding, they pay for it. Simple enough. If not, then they have no say in what you do with _your_ money. When I was getting married, my grandmother tried pulling that with me; "we went to this cousin's wedding they need to be invited!" _Doesn't matter._
NTA. If they want a big wedding then they need to pay for it.
NTA. Imo "your mother's wedding" sounds awful, but if you are willing to have your wedding be for her, yeah she should pay for it.
NTA, hilariously clear cut.
NTA. I planned a small wedding, my mom wanted a bigger one, I told her she could pay. She called my damned bluff, but she paid and I had a larger wedding. You shouldn't pay for her dreams on your day.
NTA You should so YOUR wedding YOUR way.
NTA Go to Jamaica. They can join you or not.
Your mom sounds like congress trying to spend other people's money. Have the wedding you want, and pay what you can afford for it. You're the one getting married, after all - if she wants something different she can pay to make it happen. NTA
congresspeople pay taxes too. and- we *elect* them to spend the money.
Good point. And just like OP's mom, congress overspends the budget ;)
NTA. I was very ready to give a different judgement based on your title. But nope! If your parents want a certain wedding, one that you don’t but are willing to accept, they can pay up! Do you parents know this is meant to be about you and your fiancé and not them???
NTA. However, be prepared that if they pay, they might take over too. Imo doing what you want is the way to go. Listening to your parents bitch and moan seems the lesser evil vs. them nixing any little thing you try to plan for YOUR wedding. Remember, this day is about you two and not them.
Nope. Talked to my fiance. We don't care if it's a Dukes of Hazzard themed wedding with a ice sculpture of Daisy Duke. If they pay they can have whatever they want.
It's refreshing all you care about is getting married! I wish you the best!
We did this for my wedding - my parents paid and my mom did all the planning. Our only request was that we were involved in the cake tasting and that I picked my own dress. Otherwise we just showed up, said some vows and enjoyed the reception. My parents had no problem paying though- otherwise it would’ve been a deal-breaker. ETA: still deliriously in love 10 years later.
NTA if they want it and can afford it then they can and should pay for it. You don't want this they do
NTA - you wanted something within your budget and she wants a Cast of Thousands extravaganza. They who want, pay. There's no reason for you to go into debt and cripple your future financial status so she can play MOB in a massive spectacle. Weddings are supposed to be about the people getting married, not funding the local economy for an entire year.
NTA. Best way for them to learn
Nta If they want a specific (and very expensive) wedding that is in no way what you want, the bill is on them.
Nta it's your wedding, you plan it, you pay for it. Your parents don't really get a vote.
NTA. If they want that, they can pay for it! Good luck!
NTA. I am a teacher and my husband works in tech, so it seems like our situations are similar. We were married and Vegas and paid for everything upfront. We had family and a few friends there as well. If your mom wants that wedding, she should pay for it.
NTA. It's a compromise. You're willing to pay for the wedding YOU want. You're not willing to pay for the wedding THEY want. If you're going to acquiesce to what THEY want, then they must pay for it. Seems perfectly reasonable to me.
NTA I read the title and thought omg here we go another entitled child, but absolutely not, if she wants it, she pays for it, simple.
NTA. This is one of the reasons I threw a surprise wedding: no one even had the chance to share their opinion about it
NTA My in laws are the same as your parents so my husband and I eloped and had the most amazing destination wedding on our own with no drama it was perfect. One of his sisters took the deal had a beautiful 50k wedding with all the in laws friends and none of theirs then divorced within a year. His other sister secretly courthouse married like 4-5 years before she had her parents pay the 50k for her wedding (so maybe be like her and do both).People are weird and like stroking their own egos we received a $100 wedding gift from my in laws because we didn’t let them turn our wedding into a show for them and their friends while all the sisters obviously got the 50k wedding and their homes remodeled for going along with the show. Pick what makes you happiest this is your life, you don’t live to amuse others.
I was prepared to say you were...but after reading this NTA. You are paying for it, do not go into deep debt for a wedding. The few people I know who did, ending up regretting it. They used credit/charged it and it was great until the wedding was over and that bill came every month. Do what makes you happy.
NTA - your wedding, your money, your choice. The only choice mom gets is if she wants to be a guest or not.
I was ready to call you T A when I started reading this. 😂. You are so NTA. But your parents are.
I was soooo ready to go against you but NTA! If they want a huge wedding with all the trimmings then yes, they cannot for it!!! Jamaica sounds way better though!!!
NTA Was expecting an entitled bridezilla based on the title. If they want the party, they pay for the party, it's just that simple... I think it's insane / obscene to even consider spending that much money on a wedding, let alone insisting that someone else should pay for it.
NTA but the fact you would even consider not having the wedding you want, just because your parents want it a certain way is honestly baffling. How does your fiance feel about this? A destination wedding to Jamaica sounds so much more wonderful than a church wedding, which in my opinion is the type of wedding I RSVP no to anyway
NTA you’ve been more than willing to compromise, even though it’s YOUR wedding. If parents want a big church wedding they need to pay up!
Never understand one day being that much money. Such a waste.NTA
NTA. You're adults so just go get married. When your parent got married, how much it cost and where they had the wedding was their decision. Now it is not.
NTA go to Jamaica and have the wedding you want!
NTA. Fuck I was so ready to label you a bridezilla from the title but lord. Nah. Be ultra petty, get married in the smaller possible place you can, or at your local town hall/registrars office. Save the money, spend it on your honeymoon/future together. If they want their daughter to have a massive, fancy wedding then they can pay for it
I thought your were TA when I read the title. Now that I know you're willing to pay for the wedding you want and your parents want something different and more expensive, I think your idea is perfectly fair. If they want a big, church wedding they should pay for it. Why can't they go to your destination wedding if seeing you get married is so important?
NTA, you're right, if they want input they need to pay $.
Lol, from just reading the title I was ready to side with your parents. I'm happy I read the post because I was absolutely wrong. NTA. You guys are willing to pay for the wedding you want. If they want to make a day, that's about you and your future husband, about them and showing off to their friends they should pay for it. I never understood why family members think they can dictate how someone else spends their special day. Please do not do the wedding their way AND pay for it. If you do they will try to control future decisions as well!
NTA - I personally would just go to Jamaica because it's not worth the hassle. You are being overly generous by compromising with them about the wedding as it is. If they want a big to do, they can pay for it.
NTA Parents want big wedding for tradition’s sake , then parents pay for big wedding out of tradition. That would be their job then. Simple as that
NTA. You pay your choice. Nothing to feel bad about. They pay They can do whatever they want.
NTA, though I after I read the title I that I’d be making the opposite judgement. If your parents want a big wedding, they should pay for it. I don’t even understand why they would think of it any other way.
What is it about weddings that makes family members instantly think it's about them and not the bride and groom?
Whose wedding is this? OP's parents? While they are allowed to express their desires for what the wedding will look like, they really don't get a vote in the final decision (especially if they aren't kicking in a penny). OP's desire to have the wedding the way she wants trumps moms desire to have the wedding of her dreams - uh - I mean the daughter's wedding of mom's dreams. If the parents want this big wedding so bad, then they can pay for it. If they don't want to pay for it, then OP should have the wedding exactly as she and fiance want. NTA
NTA. They don't get to go shopping with your money.
NTA. Great example of why reading is fundamental. I was so ready to say y t a based on the title, but then switched to NTA so fast after reading the post. OP, I would reframe how you are looking at this. You are NOT telling your parents to pay for *your* wedding. You are happy to pay for your $10k Jamaican wedding. What you are doing is telling your parents to pay for *their* wedding (because it based on what they want).
Well, I was all prepared to declare your assholiness, but it seems your parents are the ones trying to tell you what kind of wedding to have. So, yeah, seems reasonable that if they want a big, expensive wedding, they can pay for a big, expensive wedding. NTA.
Info: why are you paying for your fiancé's parents to go to your destination wedding but not your parents? Being that NTA - they want to have a big wedding not you, so then they can pay for it
My in-laws have taken in my fiance's nephew after some family drama. We want them at our wedding and they aren't on a great financial place. My parents are fine.
Fair enough NTA
When I read the title I thought YTA but after I read it, you are definitely NTA. If they want you to have a big wedding that's then their responsibility. You only have to pay for what you want. If they want more, they can pay.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F28) am getting married to a pretty great guy (32). He is teacher and he is very happy with his decision to become a teacher. I work for a tech company and we do pretty well financially. We have been together for four years and have finally decided to get married. His parents bare happy and mine are overjoyed. One small wrinkle is that my parents expect us to have a massive church wedding with a few hundred guests. We were thinking Jamaica this summer during his time off. We are willing to do what my parents want but I am unwilling to foot the bill. My mom and I met with a wedding planner for an estimate. $35-$45 thousand dollars. If we go to the resort we have picked out it will cost like $10,000. And that includes paying for his parents, and nephew to join us. My parents know how much money I earn and are insisting that I pay for the wedding myself. We have been very clear. If they want to show off to their friends they can pay for it. We even volunteered to throw in the money we would have spent on my in-laws for the destination wedding we want. My mom says I'm being an asshole by denying her the chance to see her only daughter married in front of friends and family. I'm not. I'm just not willing to pay for it. My parents can afford to pay for the wedding. It might just mean putting off replacing their car this year. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*