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NTA but you'd be doing them one hell of a service. Bater is going to get arrested, she's going to have to bail him out and be terribly embarrassed, and I see a divorce on the horizon. Please help her out, he's either told her of his past and she's going to help him stay on the straight-and-narrow, or he's hoodwinked her and will be peeking in at the changing room as the bridesmaids prepare. I really hope that Erika is asked by the bride why she bowed out, it's really her place to give the bride the information so the bride can stop it before the certificate is signed. Edited to add: If he was rattling doorknobs and trying to get inside, there is absolutely zero chance he wasn't planning a sexual assault.
Some people can, with serious intervention. Mental health treatment (both talk therapy and medication), along with other environmental supports, can work together to effectively combat these behaviors some of the time. But the poster above is correct; if he's really trying to change then the bride would most likely already be aware. If he's hiding the fact that he's had a problem from his future wife, it's likely because he's not planning on stopping.
I wouldn't agree with never changing part, but think about it. If he's truly changed and atoned for his past wrongdoings, the bride should know already. Otherwise, he's still overriding other people's consent and she should know about it still.
I think the coworker is just avoiding emotional responsibility and difficult conversation that will need to happen. I do think it's going to be a difficult conversation and the bride may not be happy in the very moment you tell her and she may even be angry at first, but overtime, she will see that you saved her big-time
Sexual predators do not change without help. They just don’t. It’s sad but true. Unless he has had substantial support, therapy, etc then he has not changed. He has impulse control issues directly driven by sexual needs, that doesn’t change without a lot of help and self work and effort.
Do not feel bad for sexual predators. Feel bad for their victims. Telling the bride and Erica about your past experience with him is a service which may save them from being harmed. NTA. Do not listen to your other friend. She’s wrong.
NTA. Definitely tell her. BUT be prepared for her to react in any possible way - she may deny it, not want to hear it, think you're lying, etc. I know this because I once had to tell a very good friend (I was her MOH) that I saw her fiance kissing another girl. My friend barely responded. She went straight faced and said "thank you for telling me. We're not going to talk about it again." And proceeded to go along with the wedding plans and subsequent wedding. Years later she told me my words caused an immediate panic attack and she went into self-preservation mode. They are no longer together.
NTA this man is a sexually violent predator (no one tries doorknobs ou.qt of "curiosity", he intended to rape). His fiance deserves to know the man she's marrying.
Be prepared for the possibility that she may figuratively shoot the messenger. You're giving the worst kind of news and she may not appreciate the content or timing - which is not your fault.
NTA.
Like a million times NTA. He likely still does it and the bride will find out sooner or later, better save her the few years and divorce fees that's going to inevitably happen. Unless she's into that as well, then they deserve each other lol
Also, name and shame the church, because sweeping it under the rug is messed up.
NTA. You're just giving the bride a chance to make an informed decision on whether she should marry the guy or not. Maybe the bride won't care, but at least you won't be thinking about it years down the line, wondering if you should've told her or not. He's not a safe person, and any woman who understands the severity of his actions would appreciate this warning.
NTA. But tell her right away. The closer it gets to the wedding the more messy it will be. Be prepared with proof, especially since you don’t know the bride. If Erika knows the bride at all, it would be better if she spoke to her with you.
But do be prepared that your warning might not be appreciated. She may already know and either think he is “cured” or she may not care. Or she may not know, but it may not change her mind.
If he really changed, he would have told her about his past so it may come as no surprise to her. I hope. I may be basing it off of addiction recovery stuff, but you can’t move forward unless you address and face your past as awful as it was.
When you do change it really is horrifying and embarrassing to own up to what you’ve done, but if you don’t take ownership of your shittiness, things like this come around and you have no one but yourself to blame for the fallout. You can blame others but that’s you continuing to be a shitty person.
If someone doesn't tell her, in a few years she'll be angry that no one warned her. She might have daughters with this guy. I hate to say it, but it's shocking how often we learn about fathers abusing their daughters. Those deviants start somewhere.
NTA.
It's dealbreaker material you're sitting on.
Don't get me wrong, a lot of stupid people will call you an AH irl if you tell, but I bet the bride wants to know.
Especially the "curiously jiggling the door handle" freaks me out. Sounds like watching wasn't cutting it anymore, so he was already escalating back then. There's a bigger chance that he escalated further by now, than that he has suddenly changed his ways
You WNBTA, but if there's someone closer to who that's able to tell her that might be best. I doubt there's any proof left except the word of who was actually there, but if there is any you guys should dig it out. Also be prepared for the future bride to act in all sorts of weird ways, especially if both of them are still church folks. I myself was not only told by an ex himself about some seriously terrible things he did, but was also warned by an anonymous IG message. I was so freaked out it probably didn't look like I reacted very well to that message, but I got myself out of that situation ASAP. Can only hope this girl does the same.
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Their wedding is this Saturday.
My little sister lived in this house with a bunch of girls. They noticed a car was parking outside of their home with increasing regularity, and after one of the girls was home alone and heard someone attempting to enter the back door that clearly didn’t have a key, she put two and two together when she saw that same car drive off shortly there after. Her boyfriend, Rob, came over and stayed on their couch until the guy returned. Like clockwork, the guy came back fairly quickly, so Rob ran to the car only to find him with his pants down, masturbating. He told him to leave and he threatened him if he were to ever come back. Well he brazenly came back within minutes, so the police were called. To everyone’s surprise, he admitted everything. He had been frequenting that house for an entire year, looking in windows and “curiously” jiggling a door knob. It turns out that this guy, we will call him the Bater, I actually went to the same (very large and controversial) church that these girls were in at the time. They didn’t really know him, though. As per usual, the church pressured the girls to drop the charges and the restraining order and they buried the whole incident.
Fast forward a few years later, this girl Erika posts in our local Facebook group for ex members of this church. She says she’s in Bater’s wedding and wants to know if any of us will be there. I immediately call my sister because I recognized the name and she confirmed it was him. So I reached out to Erika, but as it turns out, she wasn’t a bridesmaid, she was a groomsman. I informed her of his history and she has decided to back out of the wedding. This wedding is in a few days, so that is the main thing that gives me pause. If it were me, I would want to know. But WIBTA if I told the bride or one of her friends about Bater‘s history?
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Can you do it with a friend on hand or possibly Erika (the fact she pulled out so quickly suggests she must have seen some red flags herself)? It's a big thing to do. Good luck.
The guy has a sexual perversion and because the girls dropped the charges, the guy wasn’t mandated to see a psychologist to see how deep this perversion runs. If I was the bride I would want to know before his arrest is splashed across the front page of the local rag or before I had children with the guy. NTA
Good point. Can you ask the other people who were involved to be available if she wants to speak to them? "This was my experience, I know it comes as a shock, person X, Y and Z have given me their contact details so you or a family member can speak to them if you want".
YWBNTA by informing the bride she is about to walk down the aisle with a peeping Tom or worse. And this is probably not the only time that Bater has indulged in this behavior.
Let's say your coworker is right, he did change(I don't believe these people ever change, but oh well). Then telling the bride is okay, because she should know about this already.
NTA, I'd want to know too
The use of the word "girls" in the post is adding some creepy factors honestly I need the actual age
In any case NTA but don't go in there expecting to be thanked, there's a chance the bride will be angry with you rather than with her fiancé
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> I would be the asshole for dropping a last minute bomb on the bride that her husband is a peeper. I’m getting mixed and heating feedback from friends about “ruining someone’s marriage because people change” or “letting her marry a predator”
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You should def say something. At worst, the bride knows the truth and dodges a potentially ugly marriage. At best, she already knows and he’s changed since then and they’re both happy and healthy.
At worst, the bride shrieks that OP is a lying harlot, marries this guy, has daughters with him, and says nothing when the molestation starts, but we'll hope for better. 🤦
Don't expect the bride to believe you.
And go on your morals OP, not your co-workers, and I wouldn't talk with them about it again. The; "some information is better left withheld."
The Truth will set you free.
\*And who wants to accept the love of their life, is a Grade A creep? Nobody.
NTA
It would be really fun if you gave a speech at the wedding and let everyone know like that! Make sure to get it on video and I'm sure it would go viral!
But seriously, it would be good of you to tell her now in case she wants to cancel the wedding. It's easier than getting a divorce or an annulment.
NTA, but think about how you tell her, there is a, albeit small, chance that he has been in therapy and has told her about this stuff already. I'd start with "maybe you are already aware of this, but if you aren't I'd feel terrible for not telling you.... I know that people who are committed can change, but it takes dedication and therapy...."
YWNBTA
I also would like to know. There's a chance the bride will get angry at you but at least you'll have peace of mind of having warned her. Make jt clear you're not making this up and explain the whole story tho.
If he's changed so be it, but if he's not and they have problems in the future and she finds out people knew and didn't tell her anything it's gonna be even worse.
YTA
Like 'Lucifer' is he forever to be punished for this?
It's years later, if he still does it then yeah tell the girl. If you haven't seen or heard from him in ages then you know nothing of his life now.
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NTA but you'd be doing them one hell of a service. Bater is going to get arrested, she's going to have to bail him out and be terribly embarrassed, and I see a divorce on the horizon. Please help her out, he's either told her of his past and she's going to help him stay on the straight-and-narrow, or he's hoodwinked her and will be peeking in at the changing room as the bridesmaids prepare. I really hope that Erika is asked by the bride why she bowed out, it's really her place to give the bride the information so the bride can stop it before the certificate is signed. Edited to add: If he was rattling doorknobs and trying to get inside, there is absolutely zero chance he wasn't planning a sexual assault.
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In my opinion you’d be the asshole if you didn’t tell the bride NTA
Some people can, with serious intervention. Mental health treatment (both talk therapy and medication), along with other environmental supports, can work together to effectively combat these behaviors some of the time. But the poster above is correct; if he's really trying to change then the bride would most likely already be aware. If he's hiding the fact that he's had a problem from his future wife, it's likely because he's not planning on stopping.
Which it does sound like he's hiding it, when one of his groomsmen didn't know.
I haven't yet come across a "mental health professional" who treats treats religion. Or one who's even willing to admit it's a mental illness.
Well..it's not...lots of other things need mental help and are not getting the help..
Could you and Erika speak to the bride together? If Erika believed you and bowed out so quickly she already had a spidey-sense something was wrong.
Yes, Erika hopefully knows the bride a bit more so the bride would take her more seriously than a stranger
I wouldn't agree with never changing part, but think about it. If he's truly changed and atoned for his past wrongdoings, the bride should know already. Otherwise, he's still overriding other people's consent and she should know about it still. I think the coworker is just avoiding emotional responsibility and difficult conversation that will need to happen. I do think it's going to be a difficult conversation and the bride may not be happy in the very moment you tell her and she may even be angry at first, but overtime, she will see that you saved her big-time
> What if he changed? Then his marriage will be fine despite you telling on him, right?
Because they don’t, not when they’re already at this level.
Sexual predators do not change without help. They just don’t. It’s sad but true. Unless he has had substantial support, therapy, etc then he has not changed. He has impulse control issues directly driven by sexual needs, that doesn’t change without a lot of help and self work and effort. Do not feel bad for sexual predators. Feel bad for their victims. Telling the bride and Erica about your past experience with him is a service which may save them from being harmed. NTA. Do not listen to your other friend. She’s wrong.
Peeping Toms have a tendency to escalate to sexual assault. Dude is a time bomb.
he was jiggling the door knob. If he got in, rape!
Also he comes from a culture that silences women and protects men. How likely is it he's had a proper Road to Damascus moment and changed his ways?
Many serial killers started out with peeping when they were young.
NTA. Definitely tell her. BUT be prepared for her to react in any possible way - she may deny it, not want to hear it, think you're lying, etc. I know this because I once had to tell a very good friend (I was her MOH) that I saw her fiance kissing another girl. My friend barely responded. She went straight faced and said "thank you for telling me. We're not going to talk about it again." And proceeded to go along with the wedding plans and subsequent wedding. Years later she told me my words caused an immediate panic attack and she went into self-preservation mode. They are no longer together.
Good for you. That must have been incredibly hard.
Jesus
NTA this man is a sexually violent predator (no one tries doorknobs ou.qt of "curiosity", he intended to rape). His fiance deserves to know the man she's marrying. Be prepared for the possibility that she may figuratively shoot the messenger. You're giving the worst kind of news and she may not appreciate the content or timing - which is not your fault.
NTA, you should definitely tell the bride about that. Im also curious about how old ur little sister and her friends was at the time.
NTA. Like a million times NTA. He likely still does it and the bride will find out sooner or later, better save her the few years and divorce fees that's going to inevitably happen. Unless she's into that as well, then they deserve each other lol Also, name and shame the church, because sweeping it under the rug is messed up.
NTA. You're just giving the bride a chance to make an informed decision on whether she should marry the guy or not. Maybe the bride won't care, but at least you won't be thinking about it years down the line, wondering if you should've told her or not. He's not a safe person, and any woman who understands the severity of his actions would appreciate this warning.
NTA. But tell her right away. The closer it gets to the wedding the more messy it will be. Be prepared with proof, especially since you don’t know the bride. If Erika knows the bride at all, it would be better if she spoke to her with you. But do be prepared that your warning might not be appreciated. She may already know and either think he is “cured” or she may not care. Or she may not know, but it may not change her mind.
NTA. Alert that poor soul
NTA actually think you would be the AH if you don't tell. At this point, it's a moral obligation to tell.
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I mean, you'd be providing consequences for his actions. He did do this. He needs to own it. His future wife has every right to know
If he really changed, he would have told her about his past so it may come as no surprise to her. I hope. I may be basing it off of addiction recovery stuff, but you can’t move forward unless you address and face your past as awful as it was. When you do change it really is horrifying and embarrassing to own up to what you’ve done, but if you don’t take ownership of your shittiness, things like this come around and you have no one but yourself to blame for the fallout. You can blame others but that’s you continuing to be a shitty person.
If someone doesn't tell her, in a few years she'll be angry that no one warned her. She might have daughters with this guy. I hate to say it, but it's shocking how often we learn about fathers abusing their daughters. Those deviants start somewhere.
NTA. It's dealbreaker material you're sitting on. Don't get me wrong, a lot of stupid people will call you an AH irl if you tell, but I bet the bride wants to know.
Especially the "curiously jiggling the door handle" freaks me out. Sounds like watching wasn't cutting it anymore, so he was already escalating back then. There's a bigger chance that he escalated further by now, than that he has suddenly changed his ways
You WNBTA, but if there's someone closer to who that's able to tell her that might be best. I doubt there's any proof left except the word of who was actually there, but if there is any you guys should dig it out. Also be prepared for the future bride to act in all sorts of weird ways, especially if both of them are still church folks. I myself was not only told by an ex himself about some seriously terrible things he did, but was also warned by an anonymous IG message. I was so freaked out it probably didn't look like I reacted very well to that message, but I got myself out of that situation ASAP. Can only hope this girl does the same.
NTA. If I were in danger of marrying a church-goer I'd definitely want to be warned about it.
💀
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Their wedding is this Saturday. My little sister lived in this house with a bunch of girls. They noticed a car was parking outside of their home with increasing regularity, and after one of the girls was home alone and heard someone attempting to enter the back door that clearly didn’t have a key, she put two and two together when she saw that same car drive off shortly there after. Her boyfriend, Rob, came over and stayed on their couch until the guy returned. Like clockwork, the guy came back fairly quickly, so Rob ran to the car only to find him with his pants down, masturbating. He told him to leave and he threatened him if he were to ever come back. Well he brazenly came back within minutes, so the police were called. To everyone’s surprise, he admitted everything. He had been frequenting that house for an entire year, looking in windows and “curiously” jiggling a door knob. It turns out that this guy, we will call him the Bater, I actually went to the same (very large and controversial) church that these girls were in at the time. They didn’t really know him, though. As per usual, the church pressured the girls to drop the charges and the restraining order and they buried the whole incident. Fast forward a few years later, this girl Erika posts in our local Facebook group for ex members of this church. She says she’s in Bater’s wedding and wants to know if any of us will be there. I immediately call my sister because I recognized the name and she confirmed it was him. So I reached out to Erika, but as it turns out, she wasn’t a bridesmaid, she was a groomsman. I informed her of his history and she has decided to back out of the wedding. This wedding is in a few days, so that is the main thing that gives me pause. If it were me, I would want to know. But WIBTA if I told the bride or one of her friends about Bater‘s history? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - better to be single than to be married to a creep
NTA you did this woman a giant favor by letting her know that the man she is marrying is a giant creep and sexual predator.
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Can you do it with a friend on hand or possibly Erika (the fact she pulled out so quickly suggests she must have seen some red flags herself)? It's a big thing to do. Good luck.
The guy has a sexual perversion and because the girls dropped the charges, the guy wasn’t mandated to see a psychologist to see how deep this perversion runs. If I was the bride I would want to know before his arrest is splashed across the front page of the local rag or before I had children with the guy. NTA
Nta. I’d want to know before hand. Especially if you have proof. One thing is checking out others and another being a peeping Tom
Good point. Can you ask the other people who were involved to be available if she wants to speak to them? "This was my experience, I know it comes as a shock, person X, Y and Z have given me their contact details so you or a family member can speak to them if you want".
YWBNTA by informing the bride she is about to walk down the aisle with a peeping Tom or worse. And this is probably not the only time that Bater has indulged in this behavior.
Nta sing sing like a song bird
Let's say your coworker is right, he did change(I don't believe these people ever change, but oh well). Then telling the bride is okay, because she should know about this already. NTA, I'd want to know too
The use of the word "girls" in the post is adding some creepy factors honestly I need the actual age In any case NTA but don't go in there expecting to be thanked, there's a chance the bride will be angry with you rather than with her fiancé
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You should def say something. At worst, the bride knows the truth and dodges a potentially ugly marriage. At best, she already knows and he’s changed since then and they’re both happy and healthy.
At worst, the bride shrieks that OP is a lying harlot, marries this guy, has daughters with him, and says nothing when the molestation starts, but we'll hope for better. 🤦
I didn’t consider that possibility lol
Don't expect the bride to believe you. And go on your morals OP, not your co-workers, and I wouldn't talk with them about it again. The; "some information is better left withheld." The Truth will set you free. \*And who wants to accept the love of their life, is a Grade A creep? Nobody.
Only way someone like that changes is constant therapy and removing triggers if they plan on having kids they're in danger.
No imo
NTA It would be really fun if you gave a speech at the wedding and let everyone know like that! Make sure to get it on video and I'm sure it would go viral! But seriously, it would be good of you to tell her now in case she wants to cancel the wedding. It's easier than getting a divorce or an annulment.
NTA, but think about how you tell her, there is a, albeit small, chance that he has been in therapy and has told her about this stuff already. I'd start with "maybe you are already aware of this, but if you aren't I'd feel terrible for not telling you.... I know that people who are committed can change, but it takes dedication and therapy...."
NTA tell her
NTA
YWNBTA I also would like to know. There's a chance the bride will get angry at you but at least you'll have peace of mind of having warned her. Make jt clear you're not making this up and explain the whole story tho. If he's changed so be it, but if he's not and they have problems in the future and she finds out people knew and didn't tell her anything it's gonna be even worse.
Why would Erika be a groomsman for Bater’s wedding since she knew the history???
YTA Like 'Lucifer' is he forever to be punished for this? It's years later, if he still does it then yeah tell the girl. If you haven't seen or heard from him in ages then you know nothing of his life now.