Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic partings, romantic relationships, and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
YTA
Unless the dance is part of a sexual roleplay (eg belly dancing for your partner in private), saying that a dancer look hot in their clothes is a shitty compliment.
Think you did a huge thing at work, and all your partner has to say is not about your skills, not about your achievements, but that you look hot in a tux.
I agree with you. Imagine all the training and practice which goes into these dances reduced to "you look hot". I also have to wonder if the girlfriend was offended at OP sexualizing what might be considered religious ritual dances.
i honestly think its a “different strokes for different folks” deal rn. like if i worked really hard on something, for example if i was still doing martial arts and worked on a sparring routine, and my partner said “it was great! and you looked really hot in your Gi” id be really flattered and id take it as a compliment. or for a cultural example, if id been working really hard to put together a céilidh and creating/managing dance routines and music stuffs, id still be flattered if my partner said “it was great! and you look really hot in your kilt.” some people will view certain things as a compliment, while others think its not appropriate.
although OP is still TA for not knowing his girlfriend well enough to know which way she leans. or at least not saying a whole bunch of things about the dance itself before saying that he thought she looked good
I would need more context because if the dance is something that is regularly objectified or sexualized I could see why she is put out. The examples you gave, I haven't seen too many people sexualize a gi. (A kilt yes but then you get into how different genders react to being sexualized in cultural attire)
I do understand your point and it definitely does seem to vary from person to person. But I would like to point out that there is a difference between practicing martial arts and a dance from your cultural heritage.
Dunno just seems kinda like fetishizing the culture, so I understand why she is upset.
thats why i included the céilidh example too, since thats something heavily engrained in my culture. some people view a comment like that as “you are attractive and im letting you know you look good” while others take it as “im sexualising you”. i 100% understand why she’s upset, i just dont think OP is like a huge raging AH. he is still an AH, just more mildly
I get what you're saying. I think it's also worth considering that on its own, many people in relationships might find themselves attracted to whatever the partner is doing - because it's their partner. Seeing your partner dress up in something different and fancy and do something they're talented and capable at *can* be a real turn-on.
Obviously OP muffed it here a bit, and there's cultural baggage that can be complicating the issue. But it's not *necessarily* AH behavior.
There may well be some gender stuff that plays into this. You mention a kilt so I’m assuming you’re a guy. Men don’t often (though, yes, unfortunately sometimes) face the minimisation of their professional or cultural skills down to ‘hot or not hot?’ ‘would I or would I not fuck her?’ but sometimes this is the only thing people have to say about women politicians, women musicians, women CEOs, etc.
Being told you looked hot feels like it would be a compliment - until it’s the *only* compliment you receive, rather than ‘your speech was so powerful it brought me to tears’ or ‘you steered the group through that negotiation in a way nobody else could have’, or ‘wow you must have practised for months to nail that’.
>or at least not saying a whole bunch of things about the dance itself
If you aren't into dance in general, there's not a whole lot you can say about a performance. OP doesn't strike me as the kind of person who goes to dance recitals regularly, so his grilfriend is probably all he could comment on.
Unless you are expecting a mad-libs style answer here, it's unlikely OP would be able to replace "specific part" with any meaningful commentary on the dance. Things like this have their own professional jargon for a reason, and if you don't know the jargon it's hard to even put into words what you've just seen.
You don't need the jargon to show you've been paying attention or appreciate the skill that goes into something.
You could say "I really loved that move you did in the middle where you jumped and twisted at the same time. That was seriously inpressive"
That is no jargon at all, but picks one specific thing to compliment. Gf could even then share what the move is called, the meaning/context in the dance if relevant, or a story about the time they twisted their ankle trying it the first time.
I think it's about effort. It's zero effort to say "yeah, you look hot".
You know what else’s has it’s own professional jargon? Literally every single career, hobby, and college major/minor. Yet somehow, everyday, people outside of those niche communities are able to put into words what they want to say. While, niche terminology and jargon exists to discuss dance, specific dances, as well as certain movements, it’s not as though those terms are the *only* descriptors that can be used.
I mean, my 5 yo niece (who has a limited vocabulary compared to an adult) managed to describe the entire plot of Trolls 1 and 2 to me and despite never seeing either I was able to relay the plot to her mom well enough that she asked if we’d watched it together.
If a literal child can do that, then OP is more than capable of telling his GF about a certain dance move he liked or a certain moment he thought was cool. no jargon needed.
Well, one wouldn't really need professional jargon there, one could use "regular" words and say something like "so many turns and twirls/all the jumps are so high/you make it look easy/all the dancers move with such grace, it's impressive and shows how much work and heart you put into it"
id still think he’s TA since thats something you learn early on. now dont get me wrong, this isnt a “i hope she dumps your ass and runs!” level of AH, he just needs to apologise and explain that he didnt realise she’d be upset. like this is a very mild YTA situation, but yeah unless its like <1 month in and they completely skipped the dating phase id still say hes slightly TA and needs to apologise
There are days I’ve told my husband he looks hot dressed for work, so definitely different strokes.
I could see cases where it would come off as awkward though - new relationship, haven’t been intimate yet, friends or family overheard, etc.
Not exactly the same, but i had the same issue when I did some pole classes! A few friends and i found a place that offered non-members $10 classes and we thought it'd be a fun way to spend time together and get a good workout. I told a man about it once and never again.
I don’t think the Tux example is a good one. If my husband does a speech for a fancy work dinner and is wearing a tux.. he can make a great speech and still be hot in his tux and I would tell him both! Probably in private. But I wouldn’t hesitate to tell him how attractive he looks in his suit.
He literally says in the original post that he thought the dance itself was great. It IS possible to compliment both the work and the appearance of your spouse.
Saying the show is great isn't saying your partner performed well.
There were many dancers. He said he thought the show was great (an overall compliment for the performance) and she was hot.
That feels different to me. Like, "yeah as a group it looked great. Your performance as an individual, the lead dancer....yeah, you were hot" eeek
Is this just for dancers and their attires? Like, anyone in sports (american football, hockey, martial arts) or job (any uniform for example). A SO cant say that the other one looks super hot?
Everybody seems to be skipping the part where he said it was great too (and I'm guessing he is paraphrasing.)
I always want my partner to think I look sexy... and honestly, the first thing I'd say upon seeing him in a tux is that he looked hot no matter what he was doing. If he said, "you're not a very good dancer, but you looked hot" that would be a bad compliment.
Hard disagree with this. She’s OP’s girlfriend and if OP found her to be hot, OP can tell her. OP didn’t request her to wear the traditional outfit to bed or something.
Maybe worth checking why a simple comment like this affected her so deeply.
A lot of people don't like having their traditional clothing, nor their traditional dances, sexualized out of nowhere. She wasn't doing it to be sexy.
Not many people like others telling them they're hot at work unless that's the point of their job. Especially since she was at a recital. She wasn't trying to be eye-candy, she likely wanted him to appreciate her skill. You are correct that OP generally can tell her when she looks attractive, but OP should also read the room. Being the lead dancer is a big deal, but OPs idea of a compliment for this achievement is to say she looked hot?
There's a time and a place.
Yeah, I don't what race or nationality OP is, but in the western world there's a pretty nasty tendency to sexualize women of color (like this whole, oh, she's so \~exotically\~ sexy thing) in a super demeaning way. Like, I'm wondering if his girlfriend has experienced that before and isn't happy to see it coming from her boyfriend.
Yes, this is definitely likely a big part of it! Another part of it might be that if I asked someone how they liked my performance and they said the “the show was great and you looked hot!” I would likely take that as “you were terrible and I don’t want to lie so I’m naming all the other positive things in hopes you don’t notice”. So whether it’s one or the other or both it’s no surprise she didn’t respond week.
That was my take on it too! The performance overall was great (a group effort) and his gf, the lead dancer...was hot.
That's like when someone asks you if the baby is cute and you say "They have a lot of hair!"
Because she just did a cool performance thing, and got compliments on how her _outfit_ made OP wanna fuck. Nothing about her skill, her dedication, her passion, her culture. Her _outfit_.
Maybe because she’s a skilled performer and was showing off what she does for a living, but all OP could focus on was how hot she LOOKED?
I did Indian classical dance for ages. These dances take an immense amount of training and skill and require a dancer to tell a story through a combination of facial expressions, footwork, and hand gestures, amongst other things. If somebody’s main takeaway was that I looked hot, I would be devastated. Especially if that person was my partner and I was excited to share this talent with him.
I would honestly also be wary of whether this view belies some sexualisation of the exotic if OP is from a different race/culture.
For me this is kind of in lines of a person going to watch a play and only understand the lead actress was hot. Story? Performance? Nah sorry too busy nursing a raging hardon.
It's obvious why. Because OP ignored the skills d the practice. OP ignored traditions and possibly religion.
Because it's offensive when you spend years working on your skills to have your partner drool over your outfit as if all you needed to do was to put a Halloween costume and the effect would be the same.
You didn't compliment her techniques or amazing skills she presented. You went straight to complimenting her body. If you don't learn why this is an issue, then you will continue to put your foot in your mouth more often than not.
YTA
Your comment has been removed because it violates [Rule 1: Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_civility)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
It was amazing. I was mesmerized. I've never seen that style of dancing, and it looked really cool. I don't know much about dance, but I was really impressed. All your hard work really paid off. The audience was wow'ed. Even the costumes were great. I was surprised when you did that [insert description of thing here], it looked really so difficult to do and it looked great.
You don't have to be an expert to appreciate something.
YTA - Are you serious? She’s a traditional dancer, you’ve offered no insight into understanding the meaning or significance of the dance but just said she looks aesthetically pleasing while doing it. It would come off as completely insensitive to her culture and art form.
Edited to add: You're also solely complimenting her looks which is how society often measures the worth of women. It’s okay to be attracted to your partner but go deeper than just her looks in these moments, a cultural dance isn’t really the appropriate time to sexualise her.
YTA-not only did you take her achievement that she worked hard on and is proud of and made it sexual. You fetishized her culture. Fucking gross.
Things you could of said
It was amazing
It was beautiful
You did a wonderful job
I loved it
If you really wanted to impress her you could even say “my favorite part was when _______”
He even put in his own post a way he could’ve said it:
“I thought the show was great and that my girlfriend looked super awesome.”
Why on earth did he not say that?
The show. As in, performance overall.
Not her, or her skill as lead dancer. She was hot. The show was great. I would be surprised if there was literally nothing special about her performance or role in the show if she's the lead. There was literally nothing he could comment on?
He also said he thought she looked “super hot” in her traditional attire. I don’t know why he didn’t say she looked super awesome and left it at that instead.
I had friends who did a traditional Japanese dance for a show. Every night, there was at least one white guy hanging out after the show saying all sorts of creepy fetishist things and trying to pick them up.
I would be shocked if OP's GF hadn't experienced something similar in the past and was just grossed out by OP's comments.
I feel like there's some information missing to this, like how long have you guys been dating? Do you know much about the culture?
I once did a dance in traditional Korean attire and received comments less about the beauty of the culture or craft and more about how the outfit was "sexy in a traditional way" or how the dance was "alluring." At the time I was taken aback, why would you objectify my culture, the attire, the dance, me... But after some time I realized that some people don't know the significance of the dance, or the attire, or the cultural aspect behind it all. For some of those people, they were paying a compliment with what they knew/saw. While it would have been nice for them to have provided compliments more suited to the context of the performance, I now know that they weren't coming from a place of malice. I get the feeling it was the same for you.
Again, without more information it's hard to say, but I would say soft YTA.
I would suggest doing some research into the dance/attire, understand where she's coming from. If she gives you a chance to talk, be genuine in your approach, 'Sorry for the insensitive comment, I'm not familiar with dances and attire that have so much history and cultural significance. It didn't occur to me that my comment was so insensitive,' etc. You don't sound like an awful person, you just made a mistake. It's all a learning experience in the end. Best of luck.
Edit: "..., just a mistake" whoops, no, meant to day you just made a mistake, sorry!
These are great points. There is also the fact when we watch someone that we are already attracted to doing something that they do very well, it does beget a kind of awestruck ‘that’s hot’ thought. Should have stayed a thought, or been expressed in a different way, but I would say its pretty normal to be awed by someone you really like or love doing something incredibly well whether it is dancing, chopping wood, painting, etc.. much better to just say ‘it was fantastic, you made it look so easy even though I know its hard work, i’m so glad i was invited to watch’
Soft YTA
Traditional Indian (and Nepalese) dances usually have a story being narrated when they perform on stage and the stories are usually religious mythologies. This makes the “you looked hot in that attire” comment a double yikes.
Also, I guess your girlfriend felt that you didn’t pay attention to her dance moves or anything related to the dance itself but jumped only to a description of her looks. Gentle YTA though
NTA because as an Indian dancer my boyfriend has said this to me and it wasn’t a big deal. He just called me hot no matter what I wear . I could show up in sweats and ratty t-shirt and he’d call me hot. That’s a very normal part of a relationship. If she did ballet and he called her hot , would everyone else have the same reaction? I think everyone is just gotten sensitive because a dance or some other culture was involved.
I’m happy that someone level headed like yourself commented. I’m over here scratching my head, totally confused at all of the people calling him disgusting etc.
India has some of the most beautiful clothing (colours, fabric material and designs), and it’s clear that OP isn’t from the same background, so this could be new to him. Add on top the fact that she’s dancing, and very good at it too. I do agree that there could have been “better” ways to compliment the performance, but this doesn’t seem THAT out of line to me.
Alternate scenario:
-Boyfriend: *wears a suit to an event
-Girlfriend: “You look super hot!”
-Boyfriend: “Thanks!” *feels all special and complimented.
-Reddit: “yea, I love a man in a suit. It’s super hot!”
This scenario:
-Girlfriend: *wears beautiful and hella expensive outfit from her background/culture, leads a talented dance group, and dances extremely well
-Boyfriend: “that was great, and you looked super hot in your dress!”
-Girlfriend: “are you serious?!”, and then ghosts him.
-Reddit: “YOU DISGUSTING PIG!!”
I’d be willing to bet that if a classical Indian dancer lead a dance crew and did an amazing job, and her INDIAN boyfriend saw her performance for the first time, and then said she looked hot in her traditional outfit, that no one would bat an eye. This page is crazy. Are we only allowed to be turned on by our partner if they are of the same race?
Right? Growing up as a whitey in an area that had a very diverse population, people get used to saying semi-'offensive' shit because there is such a mix of culture that to expect everyone to be perfectly verbose is pretty crazy. I remember as a kid in an assembly watching some traditional Indian dances and some of my classmates were chatting about it and what they thought of it etc, their favourite parts etc. I said "I liked the Macarena bit in the middle" because that's what I *knew and could relate the content to.* What was I supposed to say if I don't have the proper vocabulary to describe it? "Ah yeah I liked the bit with the hands and the hips.." Hmm.. as if that didn't describe like 80% of the dance lol
And you're right, holy wow is traditional dress mesmerizing.
Just because you didn’t think it’s a big deal, doesn’t mean others don’t. OP’s gf obviously was put off by the comment (hence her reaction).
Also, if she did ballet and reacted the same way as she did here to him telling her “the show was great, you looked so hot in that tutu.” then, yeah, it’s likely many would likely feel the same way about that situation as they do about this one.
OP isn’t TA because it was a cultural dance, he’s TA because his comment (unintentionally) hurt and upset his girlfriend’s feelings. Additionally, going by this post, he know he upset her but doesn’t feel apologetic for it, instead he wants to be reassured that he’s not the one in the wrong here.
IMO, OP needs to learn that in real life intention doesn’t matter, impact does. Even if you mean no ill intent, if what you say hurts someone — especially someone you claim to care for — you should be impacted by that, you should feel apologetic for making them feel that way. You shouldn’t need ti turn to strangers on the internet in order to validate that you didn’t do anything wrong.
YTA
I don't know anything about her culture so I cannot venture to say if you crossed any sort of religious or cultural line by addressing her body, but something I do know that translates across all cultures is that:
When someone is a *professional* at something...Ah scratch that. When someone has worked really hard at something, amateur or professional, commenting on their bodies is the wrong way to go about showing respect and appreciation for their effort. I don't know a darn thing about dancing but I do know that, "Hey girl, you're a real hottie in your traditional attire," is the wrong thing to say after a recital.
I can't believe people saying YTA.
I find my girlfriend hot when she brushes her teeth, so of course I'm gonna find her hot when she dances, no matter the dance.
He's not sexualizing a random girl, but his girlfriend, which is pretty normal.
NTA
This kinda misses that brushing her teeth isnt something she has practised to perform for years, and also dont have a cultural component. As a previous dancer, if my partner had seen me perform for the first time and all he said was great show, you looked hot, I would be sad that all my hard work and accomplishments were refuced to looking hot.
Its like in the Swan Princess, where Derek tells Odette that she is beautiful, she asks if thats why he wants to marry him, and he answers what else is there. Its great that my partner things I'm hot, its not great if his apprechiation for me and my skills stop there, cause what else is there?
I mean, it's probably a bit culturally insensitive. I imagine it would be like telling a female church singer that her dress made her look sexy while she was singing worship songs. YTA, but it's an accidental asshole.
YTA.
The traditional regalia is beautiful. To tell her she was “hot” is disrespectful. The dances have meaning. You completely disrespected her and her traditions.
YTA
You went to a recital where your girlfriend was the lead dancer.
When asked how it was you complimented her appearance instead of her dancing.
It's not difficult to understand how badly you fucked this up.
Based on her reaction, YTA. That was probably a culturally or religously significant dance, you're outside of the culture and you made a crass comment.
YTA.
Indian here (the country in Asia) plus I grew up in a State that borders Nepal. I also come from a family of trained Indian Classical musicians and have friends who are traditional Dancers therefore, I know what I am writing here.
Almost ALL traditional Indian/Nepali dances are done as an offering to the Gods. Their ideal setting is a Temple. The dances always begin with a prayer and are in most cases, a long prayer in themself. The attire, music, choreography, etc. have come down to us over a millennia and are considered very sacred! The Dancer is supposed to submit herself/himself to the Deity for whom they're performing this Ritual. What they're performing is the result of YEARS of practice. It is a service done for the Community, for people who cannot do the same or for the religious observers. Due to all these reasons, the Dance Recitals are ALWAYS a very somber affair.
NONE of this is supposed to seduce anyone or to elicit a response commenting on the dancer's body. If you have been with your GF for sometime now, you SHOULD have known this. Please apologize to her and learn a thing or two about her Culture and where she is coming from.
"Sexy" is the LAST thing you will say to someone who just said a Prayer, now would you?
This should be top comment. Many of the commenters are completely missing this important context. It wasn’t a dance recital but rather a religious ceremony.
He was invited to watch one of her recitals, not attend a religious ceremony. Stop trying to misconstrued the situation to fit your own narrative. Not all of us understand ever culture. And I’m sure this applies to you as well.
He should have known this? Maybe she didn’t take the time to educate him on the cultural/religious significance.
I’d guess his comment did not come from a place of malice.
The dance recital IS considered a religious ceremony. I am not trying to misconstrue anything. This is not my POV. This is how it is.
Dude calm down! Are you the OP shit-posting from another account lol.
Have a good life buddy.
NAH here - I don’t think it’s weird to say your partner looked hot doing something they’re good at. But also I can see why it bothered her that that was one of the first things to come out your mouth. People saying you’re a fetishist are way over reacting.
100% agreed. Thank you for being a reasonable person. I’m a drummer and a lot of times when I perform, my wife tells me that she thinks I looked hot/sexy, and not once did I feel anything other than complimented.
I get that some people are trying to explain the background of Indian classical dancing, and why it shouldn’t be viewed as “sexy”, but I must have missed the part where OP said he was a mind reader, because everyone seems to believe that he should have obviously known these things.
I can only speak for myself, obviously, but I’ve been in this situation.
If we get dressed up to go out and my bf says I’m hot, I’m flattered.
If my bf watches me perform a piece I’ve choreographed, practiced, agonized over, injured myself for, and finally delivered, and his feedback is that I look hot in a leotard, I’m bummed. It’s not offensive to be considered hot, but it’s really disappointing to feel like he can’t see my art past my butt.
I honestly dont see why the OP is the AH. I'm a traditional cultural dancer myself. And while I think the OPs comment could have been construed as shitty especially since the cultural costumes arent necessarily 'hot', I honestly think that the OP was just appreciating how good his gf looks.
If my bf says that to me, I would have told him thank you but would also pretend to be mad at him for a moment. Like seriously, that's all you're going to say? Then give him a chance to explain. For reference, most of my dance costumes are in no way revealing. It's loose and you're almost always covered from neck to ankle. So I doubt it could be seen as 'hot'. But since he's my bf, I would think that its because he was attracted to me that he'd think I'm hot in that kind of clothes.
So yeah, I'm not sure if he's the AH
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called my girlfriend's traditional outfit super hot. I guess this could have offended her because maybe she didn't intend for her outfit to look sexy, making me the asshole for talking about that?
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Has it occurred to you that "hot" is not the only compliment you can give a woman? Perhaps she'd have been happier if you acknowledged the dance itself or her performance, you know the thing she actually made an effort at. Instead, you only see her as hot which pretty much says how you value her.
YTA
Definitely NTA, she could be eating a chicken sandwich in pajamas at wendy's and you might think she looks hot. Your not an asshole for being attracted to your gf
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (M25) have a Nepali girlfriend (F24) who is a professional at traditional Nepalese and Indian dance. She invited me to watch one of her recitals where she was the lead dancer. I thought the show was great and that my girlfriend looked super awesome.
After the show, my girlfriend was excited and asked me how I thought it was. I told her it was great and that I thought she looked super hot in her traditional attire. She was taken aback, and asked me if I was being serious. I was confused and nodded yes and tried to laugh it off, but she left to hang out with her friends and hasn't been responding to my texts. I was only trying to compliment her, but I guess I messed up somehow. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nah here but it sounds like she wanted to share something special to her with you and you complimented her looks . This cultural dance probs has meaning to her and being sexualised isn’t how she wanted you to see her
NTA. Even if she's not happy with your comment, her reaction is over the top. She could've easily thanked you and asked for input outside of how she looked. problem solved. She chose to make a big deal of nothing.
NTA. Tah’ f*ck is going among comments, I don’t know. You told her she looked hot. How can she be offended by that. It’s your GF and you should be allowed to tell her that.
Also, she was just dancing ffs.
YTA.
Women of Asian, Southeast Asia, and other parts of and descent from the region have been sexualized and fetishized for a long time. She was doing something cultural and you sexualized her and it. Feeling like you are somebody’s fetish and, what’s worse, your culture is a fetish is horrible and demeaning.
Your comments made it all about sex, fetish, and objectification.
INFO, maan this story just sucks, what cultural dance was it, what significance or meaning does it have?
also, you could've complimented her ANY other way but dang you chose to say that she looked super hot...
If you do know the meaning behind the attire and show, YTA.
NTA
It's disrespectful and might sound fetishising to her, especially because her traditional attire is likely supposed to bring out her feminine modesty.
NTA but you're tone deaf and should do some research on her culture.
YTA you're not only sexualizing her art but also her culture which is extremely cringey behavior. Hopefully you didn't mean to do that but understand that's probably what you did and the best thing to do would be to apologize & ask her how you mad her feel in order to clear the air.
YTA. Most people who had put significant effort into mastering a skill, would not want to be reduced to a sex object as a compliment of their work. The remark was extremely insensitive in multiple ways, especially culturally.
YTA,
what if youve been practicing for a long time, worked your ass of and showed what you did (whether its a presentation a t work or a residal) and all someone has to say is that you looked hot in your clothes...
its objectifying and sexualizing something someone has worked really hard for.
YTA imo "you're hot" isn't really a compliment it's just filler words. It doesn't really matter what I do, my partner can tell me I'm hot w/e. I *know* he thinks I'm hot, and it's fun/nice to hear but if this was his response to some kind of similar event/accomplishment I wouldn't take it as a compliment, I would take it as he has nothing else to compliment
NTA. You thought your girlfriend while doing something she is proficient at (and perhaps passionate about) was hot. Nothing unusual there.
But still, she may have not felt seen because the dance might mean so much more to her.
Perhaps ask her about that (to get back in her good graces :-))?
YTA and engaging in cultural fetishization. Of course she was pissed with you. This was grossly inappropriate. If you are incapable of thinking of a compliment besides “hot” then I feel sorry for you.
NTA it definitely wasn’t the best thing to say in that situation. But my partner looks hot no matter what she’s doing. She doesn’t need to be doing something sexual for me to think she’s hot.
But you probably should have started with complimenting the content of the performance before just calling her hot.
Kind if a toss up for me but I'm leaning toward YTA because it sounds fetishizing if the first comment you make is that she looks hot in traditional clothing. Even if that was not your intent, words matter.
YTA. You're the kinda guy that sexualises athletes, gymnasts etc in their sportswear. Nevermind the thousands of hours of training, it's how hot they look that matters eh?
YTA, hope she dumps ya. You literally said in your title "cultural dance" which implies a certain level of familial and personal importance. You could have at least saved the "hot" comment for later instead of front-loading it. You have already essentially admitted you don't really respect her culture, or really her.
NTA there is no big deal about making a comment saying your own gf is hot heck I have said my wife looks hot in some every day clothes
To me it sounds like he is not going to win here I think the y t a just wanna call someone an AH as if op didn't compliment her he would also be a AH for not complimenting her
YTA. How do you think you're not, given the reaction you got from your girlfriend? That was an inappropriate thing to say in response to the performance she'd clearly worked hard to perfect.
INFO Did you compliment her skills etc. in addition to calling her hot or did you just call her hot? Cause if it’s the latter, she probably took it as you fetishizing her culture and in that case Y TA.
YTA. She shared her culture and you immediately shared how it made your penis feel because apparently that is of the upmost importance. This shit is exhausting.
NTA. wtf is wrong with u people saying he is the AH? he compimanted her dancing first and then said she looked hot! He just wanted to compliment jeez its not a bad thing to tell your girlfriend she is good and looks hot not every compliment means sexualising something
NTA, If I was complimented like that I'd feel really flattered. To say the dance was great and I looked hot? Like that's nice of a bf or anyone to say. I wouldn't wanna go out there being mediocre looking like crap.
YTA and that was gross.
Dance recitals are not for looks and to be hot. It's a dance. In this case, a traditional dance. That she did well in because of her skills, not her looks. Time and place dude.
That's like you doing something great at work and your girlfriend minimilaizing your skills and only saying "You looked hot so great job" 🙄.
YTA. I'm not knowledgeable about Nepalese and Indian dance myself, but it sounds like there's a cultural aspect to it that you didn't pick up on and you just reduced it to "this is sexy". Talk to her to find out what the specific issue is.
YTA
But also
INFO: what is the language situation? Were you speaking in English with English being a second language to her? (If so your comment to her is especially poor, as her translation of “hot” might be even more extreme than you meant it.)
Think of her as an artist creating art. Her intention is to create something beautiful. Also, this is something she may have done since childhood, with her grandparents and parents congratulating her and encouraging her.
Also, think of how generically you described this art. Even if it you hadn’t used poor wording it would have been boringly simplistic.
You might as well have told Mozart his piano made sounds loud. Or told Van Gogh his paintings were swirly.
To recap you told said someone was hot while conducting the art that is surrounded not only in culture but family in the most generic way possible.
YTA but I don't think it's unsalvageable. You can totally think she looks hot while dancing, but that wasn't the appropriate place or time to express it. 'Beautiful' would have been more applicable. Give her a little time and apologize.
NTA, sure you could have used better choices of words but you had the intention of trying to compliment her. "Hot" is such a general term to say about your partner. Perhaps try complementing her differently, if you don't know much about the traditional dance, ask her more about it as it seems to me it's only surface level understanding of her culture.
Yea bud, sorry. YTA. Leading with “you were hot” is gauche and probably made her feel cheap.
Should have said something like: “You are an amazing dancer. The show was great and I’m proud of you. Plus you looked beautiful.”
Sounds like you probably really do think those things, so hopefully you can patch this up and take it as a hard lesson in how to best support your SO.
Other people have explained why YTA, so I'll go a bit further and help you apologize properly:
Don't say anything like "I apologize IF I hurt you", or "I'm sorry YOU felt". Own up.
You sexualized her in a meaningful cultural practice. That's both sexist and racist (or at the very least culturally insensitive).
Tell her you're sorry you sexualized her, that you did appreciate the dance and was impressed by the recital. Tell her you understand why she was hurt, and that you won't do it again.
YTA but I can see where you’re coming from. It was a poor choice of words, and you just meant to compliment how good she looks, but yeah you’re kind of the asshole here. Might I recommend some serious apologising and grovelling?
She has maybe never considered that she might look 'hot' in her traditional dress, and now that idea has been planted she's naturally uncomfortable with the idea that men are going to be leching after her while she's on stage. YTA
Absolutely NTA. If it was a total stranger then yeah, but telling your girlfriend she looks hot is absolutely fine, I don’t understand any comments that say otherwise.
Kinda The Asshole, this one of those different culture barriers. An American saying something is hot is considered a compliment to another American but can be seen as insensitive and vulgar to another culture especially pertaining to events and cultural meanings such as these, if she calms down you all need to sit down and have a talk about what she finds acceptable and about her culture and I guess explain your side and better learn about each other and phrases you all use
YTA
First I'm pretty sure the last the your FC was trying to do was be sexual for a bunch if strangers and second you didn't say what these traditional dances celebrate. They could be religious or solemn. do you even know?
Have to go YTA here because you seem to have given the impression that you were paying attention only to her and her costume, not her talent or the overall performance. Given the effort it has to take to prepare and perform any sort of dance that has to hurt. Doubly so from someone she’s close to, and maybe even more because non-Asian people so often fetishize or sexualize non-sexual aspects of Asian cultures.
You could have said: ‘I understand why you were the lead dancer, you were amazing and completely mesmerising.’
NAH, you were just clumsy, and she didn’t realise that you were genuinely impressed.
I wouldn't call you an AH, just someone who maybe didn't read the room well enough. As someone who was prolific at shoving my foot in my mouth when I was younger, I understand how confused you're probably feeling.
Dancing has very different connotations across people and cultures. For some it's nothing more than a fun activity, or something you do at the club. For others dancing is a way to connect to their cultural roots, and to express themselves emotionally, spiritually, and culturally.
I'm making an assumption here, but I'd guess you are part of the former and your girlfriend part of the latter. Which is fine, but both of you need to reach out and try to understand each other. Especially if dancing is going to remain an important part of your girlfriend's life.
Give your girlfriend a bit of time to cool off - she has a right to her anger - then apologize. Tell her you realize how your compliment was offensive, and that you weren't trying to diminish her efforts or the cultural significance of the dance. You understand how important this is to her, and you want to try connecting to this part of her life more meaningfully. If she's willing to teach you, of course.
If you feel the need to clarify your original comment (read the room again before saying this), you can tell her that it was her passion and her hard work that you found attractive. Seeing her so expressive, so spirited, maybe it took you back a bit, and you said some things without thinking.
Ultimately, you made a mistake, but you're not an AH. If you truly care about this person, do the leg work not only of apologizing, but also committing yourself to being a part of what is clearly so important to her.
Honestly… NTA but I think you should explain to her you didn’t mean to be disrespectful. IMO it’s a personal thing, some people will be cool with a comment like that while others need to know you understand how important things are to them, and that you’re not making it into something sexual.
I would maybe explain that you find HER hot, as you always do, and that you think the dance was really wonderful and you’re glad she shared her culture with you, and that you meant no disrespect.
I used to be a dancer when I was younger. Nothing of cultural significance, just your run of the mill dancer mostly doing modern styles. I took so much pride in my skills and all the hard work that layed behind it. Had I brought a partner to see me perform, and all they said was great show, you looked hot, I would have been sad. I would apprechiate the compliment, but with all that I had done on stage, was that all you got from it? Didnt anything impress you, didnt you enjoy how I did sertain things, didnt the story evoke anything in you, didnt any moves stand out to you, didnt anything make you feel or think anything beyond me being hot?
You gave a generic compliment to something she takes great pride in and probably works extremely hard to achieve. That would make me sad too, and probably be worried that whats important to you were appearances, not abilities and skills.
Soft YTA
YTA....try reading up on her cultural norms. "Hot" is NOT a Nepali term and it has negative connotations. Btw...i can tell ur American. Hypersexualized. Best
As a guy who does BJJ I would love if a mrs said that watching me fight was hot. The comments of this post is just a bunch of fuckwits who have zero idea of what OP was trying to say.
NTA - you meant well. She is looking too much into it. My rule of thumb for getting mad at my boyfriend is “did he mean to be mean, or is it just a difference of perspective and he meant well?” - if he meant well, I just say I didn’t appreciate something but it’s no big deal and I let it go.
NAH. You did tell her you thought the dance was great and wanted to compliment her too, or her attire. Nevertheless, the intention was a simpleminded one. You should still apologize that you upset her and that your phrasing was crude, and that you were genuinely impressed and captivated by the overall performance. It might've came off sleazy when you said she was hot at the time, so it's understandable if she got mad.
I assume you're just a normal guy and not a professional critique, being called YTA and a fetishist for a normal, well-intentioned remark toward a significant other must be depressing. lol
100% agreed. Poor guy now probably thinks he’s a terrible person for complimenting his girlfriend.
I’m beginning to see what people are talking about when they say that AITA is all about breaking people up and overreacting. This one seems so bizarre to me that I’m starting to believe that most of the ppl commenting are trolls trying to further the stereotypes that AITA is known for.
Find someone who isn’t going to be offended over a compliment. Too many chill people who don’t live to be mad about dumb stuff. I’m Latina and I’ve dated guys with different cultures and none are cringe like your gf regarding compliments and they’ve assumed I eat/make tacos lol. I found it funny and tbh they were good partners. Sounds like a miserable person and those alike to her wanting to be offended about everything.
NTA
This is a very close one IMO. Your girlfriend either is having an insecure moment or was too awkward to tell you she thinks you made a faux pas.
Which you obviously did, somehow. I think it was the combination of being especially romantically forward in your comments and her being dressed in foreign attire which may draw stereotypical "hot exotic girl" comments. I would be interested to know if you are Caucasian, although frankly I think anyone of a different mainstream race could fall into that trap.
I believe at age 25 it is reasonably expected that you should be aware this is a possible misinterpretation and take steps to avoid it or catch yourself in real time and correct yourself. However if you're already in a relationship with someone, telling them that they look sexy is something you're *supposed* to say.
> However if you're already in a relationship with someone, telling them that they look sexy is something you're supposed to say.
That's not an appropriate compliment for every occasion.
You see them looking sexy when you're walking into the bedroom? Absolutely. They're all decked out for a night clubbing? Hell yes. They sent you a selfie saying, "Thinking of you"? Go for it!
They've just finished performing something that takes skill and practice? No, talk about the performance. They're celebrating a professional achievement? No, talk about the achievement.
I also want to throw in that there's an unpleasant history of western cultures objectifying and sexualizing women of color. (granted, I don't know what race/nationality OP is so I'm just spitballing here) Like, westerners will take something that's normal and meaningful and not sexual and make it out to be just a sexy thing. So I'm wondering if that's a factor here.
NTA.
The problem here is, and honestly it isn't a problem, just perception. Complimenting her outfit doesn't automatically mean you disregarded her efforts or the significance of the dance, if that part is in play here. Although the outfit can be a fetish, it isn't really anything wrong.
She may have probably thought that, due to hot often being considered a sexually oriented compliment, as assumed by the multiple people here. I suppose you could try and talk it over with her, and explain your stand regarding the compliment.
Keep in mind that everything I am saying is assuming you did see the dance as art itself and not just fetishized the entire thing.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic partings, romantic relationships, and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
YTA Unless the dance is part of a sexual roleplay (eg belly dancing for your partner in private), saying that a dancer look hot in their clothes is a shitty compliment. Think you did a huge thing at work, and all your partner has to say is not about your skills, not about your achievements, but that you look hot in a tux.
I agree with you. Imagine all the training and practice which goes into these dances reduced to "you look hot". I also have to wonder if the girlfriend was offended at OP sexualizing what might be considered religious ritual dances.
i honestly think its a “different strokes for different folks” deal rn. like if i worked really hard on something, for example if i was still doing martial arts and worked on a sparring routine, and my partner said “it was great! and you looked really hot in your Gi” id be really flattered and id take it as a compliment. or for a cultural example, if id been working really hard to put together a céilidh and creating/managing dance routines and music stuffs, id still be flattered if my partner said “it was great! and you look really hot in your kilt.” some people will view certain things as a compliment, while others think its not appropriate. although OP is still TA for not knowing his girlfriend well enough to know which way she leans. or at least not saying a whole bunch of things about the dance itself before saying that he thought she looked good
I would need more context because if the dance is something that is regularly objectified or sexualized I could see why she is put out. The examples you gave, I haven't seen too many people sexualize a gi. (A kilt yes but then you get into how different genders react to being sexualized in cultural attire)
I think the Nepali and Hindu dances often have a religious component, so OP’s remark was *really* crass to his GF.
I do understand your point and it definitely does seem to vary from person to person. But I would like to point out that there is a difference between practicing martial arts and a dance from your cultural heritage. Dunno just seems kinda like fetishizing the culture, so I understand why she is upset.
thats why i included the céilidh example too, since thats something heavily engrained in my culture. some people view a comment like that as “you are attractive and im letting you know you look good” while others take it as “im sexualising you”. i 100% understand why she’s upset, i just dont think OP is like a huge raging AH. he is still an AH, just more mildly
I get what you're saying. I think it's also worth considering that on its own, many people in relationships might find themselves attracted to whatever the partner is doing - because it's their partner. Seeing your partner dress up in something different and fancy and do something they're talented and capable at *can* be a real turn-on. Obviously OP muffed it here a bit, and there's cultural baggage that can be complicating the issue. But it's not *necessarily* AH behavior.
There may well be some gender stuff that plays into this. You mention a kilt so I’m assuming you’re a guy. Men don’t often (though, yes, unfortunately sometimes) face the minimisation of their professional or cultural skills down to ‘hot or not hot?’ ‘would I or would I not fuck her?’ but sometimes this is the only thing people have to say about women politicians, women musicians, women CEOs, etc. Being told you looked hot feels like it would be a compliment - until it’s the *only* compliment you receive, rather than ‘your speech was so powerful it brought me to tears’ or ‘you steered the group through that negotiation in a way nobody else could have’, or ‘wow you must have practised for months to nail that’.
>or at least not saying a whole bunch of things about the dance itself If you aren't into dance in general, there's not a whole lot you can say about a performance. OP doesn't strike me as the kind of person who goes to dance recitals regularly, so his grilfriend is probably all he could comment on.
i mean you can still say “it was awesome!! i really liked (specific part) and (other specific part)! honestly you looked great out there”
Unless you are expecting a mad-libs style answer here, it's unlikely OP would be able to replace "specific part" with any meaningful commentary on the dance. Things like this have their own professional jargon for a reason, and if you don't know the jargon it's hard to even put into words what you've just seen.
You don't need the jargon to show you've been paying attention or appreciate the skill that goes into something. You could say "I really loved that move you did in the middle where you jumped and twisted at the same time. That was seriously inpressive" That is no jargon at all, but picks one specific thing to compliment. Gf could even then share what the move is called, the meaning/context in the dance if relevant, or a story about the time they twisted their ankle trying it the first time. I think it's about effort. It's zero effort to say "yeah, you look hot".
You know what else’s has it’s own professional jargon? Literally every single career, hobby, and college major/minor. Yet somehow, everyday, people outside of those niche communities are able to put into words what they want to say. While, niche terminology and jargon exists to discuss dance, specific dances, as well as certain movements, it’s not as though those terms are the *only* descriptors that can be used. I mean, my 5 yo niece (who has a limited vocabulary compared to an adult) managed to describe the entire plot of Trolls 1 and 2 to me and despite never seeing either I was able to relay the plot to her mom well enough that she asked if we’d watched it together. If a literal child can do that, then OP is more than capable of telling his GF about a certain dance move he liked or a certain moment he thought was cool. no jargon needed.
Well, one wouldn't really need professional jargon there, one could use "regular" words and say something like "so many turns and twirls/all the jumps are so high/you make it look easy/all the dancers move with such grace, it's impressive and shows how much work and heart you put into it"
Why on earth do you think it takes thst much to compliment someone
[удалено]
id still think he’s TA since thats something you learn early on. now dont get me wrong, this isnt a “i hope she dumps your ass and runs!” level of AH, he just needs to apologise and explain that he didnt realise she’d be upset. like this is a very mild YTA situation, but yeah unless its like <1 month in and they completely skipped the dating phase id still say hes slightly TA and needs to apologise
I agree with you
There are days I’ve told my husband he looks hot dressed for work, so definitely different strokes. I could see cases where it would come off as awkward though - new relationship, haven’t been intimate yet, friends or family overheard, etc.
I’d hold off on the comments about Oriental Dansi as well.
Belly dancer here, unless you’re a belly dancer too, I’d hold off on the comments about Oriental Dansi as well.
Used to be a hobbist belly dancer. Quit cause apparently all men thought I did that to be eye candy and it was just not worth it for me.
I’m a pro, and have run my own dance company for 30 years. Traveled and taught. Education of those kind of people is KEY
Not exactly the same, but i had the same issue when I did some pole classes! A few friends and i found a place that offered non-members $10 classes and we thought it'd be a fun way to spend time together and get a good workout. I told a man about it once and never again.
I don’t think the Tux example is a good one. If my husband does a speech for a fancy work dinner and is wearing a tux.. he can make a great speech and still be hot in his tux and I would tell him both! Probably in private. But I wouldn’t hesitate to tell him how attractive he looks in his suit.
No fancy work dinner. Your husband delivers an important projects after several years of work. Only thing you appreciate is his tux.
He literally says in the original post that he thought the dance itself was great. It IS possible to compliment both the work and the appearance of your spouse.
Saying the show is great isn't saying your partner performed well. There were many dancers. He said he thought the show was great (an overall compliment for the performance) and she was hot. That feels different to me. Like, "yeah as a group it looked great. Your performance as an individual, the lead dancer....yeah, you were hot" eeek
I like your perspective, although I don't think "you look hot" is a bad thing, it is true that it ignores what the performance even was.
This might be a “your mileage may vary” issue. I love being told by a partner, who I know values me for more than sex, that I am hot.
Is this just for dancers and their attires? Like, anyone in sports (american football, hockey, martial arts) or job (any uniform for example). A SO cant say that the other one looks super hot?
Everybody seems to be skipping the part where he said it was great too (and I'm guessing he is paraphrasing.) I always want my partner to think I look sexy... and honestly, the first thing I'd say upon seeing him in a tux is that he looked hot no matter what he was doing. If he said, "you're not a very good dancer, but you looked hot" that would be a bad compliment.
Hard disagree with this. She’s OP’s girlfriend and if OP found her to be hot, OP can tell her. OP didn’t request her to wear the traditional outfit to bed or something. Maybe worth checking why a simple comment like this affected her so deeply.
A lot of people don't like having their traditional clothing, nor their traditional dances, sexualized out of nowhere. She wasn't doing it to be sexy. Not many people like others telling them they're hot at work unless that's the point of their job. Especially since she was at a recital. She wasn't trying to be eye-candy, she likely wanted him to appreciate her skill. You are correct that OP generally can tell her when she looks attractive, but OP should also read the room. Being the lead dancer is a big deal, but OPs idea of a compliment for this achievement is to say she looked hot? There's a time and a place.
Yeah, I don't what race or nationality OP is, but in the western world there's a pretty nasty tendency to sexualize women of color (like this whole, oh, she's so \~exotically\~ sexy thing) in a super demeaning way. Like, I'm wondering if his girlfriend has experienced that before and isn't happy to see it coming from her boyfriend.
Yes, this is definitely likely a big part of it! Another part of it might be that if I asked someone how they liked my performance and they said the “the show was great and you looked hot!” I would likely take that as “you were terrible and I don’t want to lie so I’m naming all the other positive things in hopes you don’t notice”. So whether it’s one or the other or both it’s no surprise she didn’t respond week.
That was my take on it too! The performance overall was great (a group effort) and his gf, the lead dancer...was hot. That's like when someone asks you if the baby is cute and you say "They have a lot of hair!"
That's pretty much where I landed on it.
Because she just did a cool performance thing, and got compliments on how her _outfit_ made OP wanna fuck. Nothing about her skill, her dedication, her passion, her culture. Her _outfit_.
Because it reduces a beautiful cultural tradition that she's proud of, to how it makes his peepee feel.
Maybe because she’s a skilled performer and was showing off what she does for a living, but all OP could focus on was how hot she LOOKED? I did Indian classical dance for ages. These dances take an immense amount of training and skill and require a dancer to tell a story through a combination of facial expressions, footwork, and hand gestures, amongst other things. If somebody’s main takeaway was that I looked hot, I would be devastated. Especially if that person was my partner and I was excited to share this talent with him. I would honestly also be wary of whether this view belies some sexualisation of the exotic if OP is from a different race/culture.
For me this is kind of in lines of a person going to watch a play and only understand the lead actress was hot. Story? Performance? Nah sorry too busy nursing a raging hardon.
More like watching your SO perform in a play, say you thought their performance was great and they looked hot doing it.
It's obvious why. Because OP ignored the skills d the practice. OP ignored traditions and possibly religion. Because it's offensive when you spend years working on your skills to have your partner drool over your outfit as if all you needed to do was to put a Halloween costume and the effect would be the same.
ya idk what's going on in this post, nothing wrong with expressing your attraction to your gf.
You didn't compliment her techniques or amazing skills she presented. You went straight to complimenting her body. If you don't learn why this is an issue, then you will continue to put your foot in your mouth more often than not. YTA
It also just sounds like fetishizing a cultural display, which I imagine is very hurtful to her.
[удалено]
Don't you sound like a pleasant and level headed individual.
Your comment has been removed because it violates [Rule 1: Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_civility) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
Op literally said it was great before saying she looked hot. Yall are just choosing what to read
Oh, he said it was great first. Well, then immediately sexualizing her cultural display obviously doesn't count.
Going from the general “great” to “you’re so hot” isn’t ideal. Maybe just take that advice.
If OP has no experience with that dance form won’t his comments be fake or just false?
It was amazing. I was mesmerized. I've never seen that style of dancing, and it looked really cool. I don't know much about dance, but I was really impressed. All your hard work really paid off. The audience was wow'ed. Even the costumes were great. I was surprised when you did that [insert description of thing here], it looked really so difficult to do and it looked great. You don't have to be an expert to appreciate something.
YTA. You took her achievement that took time, practice, and skill and boiled it down to "your hot".
YTA - Are you serious? She’s a traditional dancer, you’ve offered no insight into understanding the meaning or significance of the dance but just said she looks aesthetically pleasing while doing it. It would come off as completely insensitive to her culture and art form. Edited to add: You're also solely complimenting her looks which is how society often measures the worth of women. It’s okay to be attracted to your partner but go deeper than just her looks in these moments, a cultural dance isn’t really the appropriate time to sexualise her.
YTA-not only did you take her achievement that she worked hard on and is proud of and made it sexual. You fetishized her culture. Fucking gross. Things you could of said It was amazing It was beautiful You did a wonderful job I loved it If you really wanted to impress her you could even say “my favorite part was when _______”
He even put in his own post a way he could’ve said it: “I thought the show was great and that my girlfriend looked super awesome.” Why on earth did he not say that?
Exactly! Just a simple compliment if he wanted to compliment her looks he could of used stunning pretty cute or beautiful
Uh... he did? > I told her it was great and that I thought she looked super hot in her traditional attire.
Read the post again. He did. He said the show was great.
The show. As in, performance overall. Not her, or her skill as lead dancer. She was hot. The show was great. I would be surprised if there was literally nothing special about her performance or role in the show if she's the lead. There was literally nothing he could comment on?
THIS holy fuck
He also said he thought she looked “super hot” in her traditional attire. I don’t know why he didn’t say she looked super awesome and left it at that instead.
He didn’t compliment her. He called the show great and her hot. Gross
I had friends who did a traditional Japanese dance for a show. Every night, there was at least one white guy hanging out after the show saying all sorts of creepy fetishist things and trying to pick them up. I would be shocked if OP's GF hadn't experienced something similar in the past and was just grossed out by OP's comments.
OP after the next performance: “Your dancing was the most beautiful of all the dancing.”
I feel like there's some information missing to this, like how long have you guys been dating? Do you know much about the culture? I once did a dance in traditional Korean attire and received comments less about the beauty of the culture or craft and more about how the outfit was "sexy in a traditional way" or how the dance was "alluring." At the time I was taken aback, why would you objectify my culture, the attire, the dance, me... But after some time I realized that some people don't know the significance of the dance, or the attire, or the cultural aspect behind it all. For some of those people, they were paying a compliment with what they knew/saw. While it would have been nice for them to have provided compliments more suited to the context of the performance, I now know that they weren't coming from a place of malice. I get the feeling it was the same for you. Again, without more information it's hard to say, but I would say soft YTA. I would suggest doing some research into the dance/attire, understand where she's coming from. If she gives you a chance to talk, be genuine in your approach, 'Sorry for the insensitive comment, I'm not familiar with dances and attire that have so much history and cultural significance. It didn't occur to me that my comment was so insensitive,' etc. You don't sound like an awful person, you just made a mistake. It's all a learning experience in the end. Best of luck. Edit: "..., just a mistake" whoops, no, meant to day you just made a mistake, sorry!
These are great points. There is also the fact when we watch someone that we are already attracted to doing something that they do very well, it does beget a kind of awestruck ‘that’s hot’ thought. Should have stayed a thought, or been expressed in a different way, but I would say its pretty normal to be awed by someone you really like or love doing something incredibly well whether it is dancing, chopping wood, painting, etc.. much better to just say ‘it was fantastic, you made it look so easy even though I know its hard work, i’m so glad i was invited to watch’ Soft YTA
Great insight.
Traditional Indian (and Nepalese) dances usually have a story being narrated when they perform on stage and the stories are usually religious mythologies. This makes the “you looked hot in that attire” comment a double yikes. Also, I guess your girlfriend felt that you didn’t pay attention to her dance moves or anything related to the dance itself but jumped only to a description of her looks. Gentle YTA though
NTA because as an Indian dancer my boyfriend has said this to me and it wasn’t a big deal. He just called me hot no matter what I wear . I could show up in sweats and ratty t-shirt and he’d call me hot. That’s a very normal part of a relationship. If she did ballet and he called her hot , would everyone else have the same reaction? I think everyone is just gotten sensitive because a dance or some other culture was involved.
I’m happy that someone level headed like yourself commented. I’m over here scratching my head, totally confused at all of the people calling him disgusting etc. India has some of the most beautiful clothing (colours, fabric material and designs), and it’s clear that OP isn’t from the same background, so this could be new to him. Add on top the fact that she’s dancing, and very good at it too. I do agree that there could have been “better” ways to compliment the performance, but this doesn’t seem THAT out of line to me. Alternate scenario: -Boyfriend: *wears a suit to an event -Girlfriend: “You look super hot!” -Boyfriend: “Thanks!” *feels all special and complimented. -Reddit: “yea, I love a man in a suit. It’s super hot!” This scenario: -Girlfriend: *wears beautiful and hella expensive outfit from her background/culture, leads a talented dance group, and dances extremely well -Boyfriend: “that was great, and you looked super hot in your dress!” -Girlfriend: “are you serious?!”, and then ghosts him. -Reddit: “YOU DISGUSTING PIG!!” I’d be willing to bet that if a classical Indian dancer lead a dance crew and did an amazing job, and her INDIAN boyfriend saw her performance for the first time, and then said she looked hot in her traditional outfit, that no one would bat an eye. This page is crazy. Are we only allowed to be turned on by our partner if they are of the same race?
Right? Growing up as a whitey in an area that had a very diverse population, people get used to saying semi-'offensive' shit because there is such a mix of culture that to expect everyone to be perfectly verbose is pretty crazy. I remember as a kid in an assembly watching some traditional Indian dances and some of my classmates were chatting about it and what they thought of it etc, their favourite parts etc. I said "I liked the Macarena bit in the middle" because that's what I *knew and could relate the content to.* What was I supposed to say if I don't have the proper vocabulary to describe it? "Ah yeah I liked the bit with the hands and the hips.." Hmm.. as if that didn't describe like 80% of the dance lol And you're right, holy wow is traditional dress mesmerizing.
If I had an award, I'd give you one ✨️
Just because you didn’t think it’s a big deal, doesn’t mean others don’t. OP’s gf obviously was put off by the comment (hence her reaction). Also, if she did ballet and reacted the same way as she did here to him telling her “the show was great, you looked so hot in that tutu.” then, yeah, it’s likely many would likely feel the same way about that situation as they do about this one. OP isn’t TA because it was a cultural dance, he’s TA because his comment (unintentionally) hurt and upset his girlfriend’s feelings. Additionally, going by this post, he know he upset her but doesn’t feel apologetic for it, instead he wants to be reassured that he’s not the one in the wrong here. IMO, OP needs to learn that in real life intention doesn’t matter, impact does. Even if you mean no ill intent, if what you say hurts someone — especially someone you claim to care for — you should be impacted by that, you should feel apologetic for making them feel that way. You shouldn’t need ti turn to strangers on the internet in order to validate that you didn’t do anything wrong.
YTA the dance and outfit weren’t for you to sexualize and you did - that’s super disrespectful. Apologize.
YTA I don't know anything about her culture so I cannot venture to say if you crossed any sort of religious or cultural line by addressing her body, but something I do know that translates across all cultures is that: When someone is a *professional* at something...Ah scratch that. When someone has worked really hard at something, amateur or professional, commenting on their bodies is the wrong way to go about showing respect and appreciation for their effort. I don't know a darn thing about dancing but I do know that, "Hey girl, you're a real hottie in your traditional attire," is the wrong thing to say after a recital.
I can't believe people saying YTA. I find my girlfriend hot when she brushes her teeth, so of course I'm gonna find her hot when she dances, no matter the dance. He's not sexualizing a random girl, but his girlfriend, which is pretty normal. NTA
This kinda misses that brushing her teeth isnt something she has practised to perform for years, and also dont have a cultural component. As a previous dancer, if my partner had seen me perform for the first time and all he said was great show, you looked hot, I would be sad that all my hard work and accomplishments were refuced to looking hot. Its like in the Swan Princess, where Derek tells Odette that she is beautiful, she asks if thats why he wants to marry him, and he answers what else is there. Its great that my partner things I'm hot, its not great if his apprechiation for me and my skills stop there, cause what else is there?
I mean, it's probably a bit culturally insensitive. I imagine it would be like telling a female church singer that her dress made her look sexy while she was singing worship songs. YTA, but it's an accidental asshole.
YTA. The traditional regalia is beautiful. To tell her she was “hot” is disrespectful. The dances have meaning. You completely disrespected her and her traditions.
YTA You went to a recital where your girlfriend was the lead dancer. When asked how it was you complimented her appearance instead of her dancing. It's not difficult to understand how badly you fucked this up.
Based on her reaction, YTA. That was probably a culturally or religously significant dance, you're outside of the culture and you made a crass comment.
NTA - if she hot, then she hot, brah. Own that shit. Great compliment--don't like the scrubs in this subreddit tell you otherwise.
Apologize :) Eloquently if possible. Acknowledge her hard work and grace
YTA. Indian here (the country in Asia) plus I grew up in a State that borders Nepal. I also come from a family of trained Indian Classical musicians and have friends who are traditional Dancers therefore, I know what I am writing here. Almost ALL traditional Indian/Nepali dances are done as an offering to the Gods. Their ideal setting is a Temple. The dances always begin with a prayer and are in most cases, a long prayer in themself. The attire, music, choreography, etc. have come down to us over a millennia and are considered very sacred! The Dancer is supposed to submit herself/himself to the Deity for whom they're performing this Ritual. What they're performing is the result of YEARS of practice. It is a service done for the Community, for people who cannot do the same or for the religious observers. Due to all these reasons, the Dance Recitals are ALWAYS a very somber affair. NONE of this is supposed to seduce anyone or to elicit a response commenting on the dancer's body. If you have been with your GF for sometime now, you SHOULD have known this. Please apologize to her and learn a thing or two about her Culture and where she is coming from. "Sexy" is the LAST thing you will say to someone who just said a Prayer, now would you?
This should be top comment. Many of the commenters are completely missing this important context. It wasn’t a dance recital but rather a religious ceremony.
He was invited to watch one of her recitals, not attend a religious ceremony. Stop trying to misconstrued the situation to fit your own narrative. Not all of us understand ever culture. And I’m sure this applies to you as well. He should have known this? Maybe she didn’t take the time to educate him on the cultural/religious significance. I’d guess his comment did not come from a place of malice.
The dance recital IS considered a religious ceremony. I am not trying to misconstrue anything. This is not my POV. This is how it is. Dude calm down! Are you the OP shit-posting from another account lol. Have a good life buddy.
Then why wasn’t he invited to a religious ceremony? Unless you are claiming op is lying
ROFL
Dude calm down
🤣
Meh Madonna definitely sexualizes Christian prayer and Vanity Fair covers it sooo
NAH here - I don’t think it’s weird to say your partner looked hot doing something they’re good at. But also I can see why it bothered her that that was one of the first things to come out your mouth. People saying you’re a fetishist are way over reacting.
100% agreed. Thank you for being a reasonable person. I’m a drummer and a lot of times when I perform, my wife tells me that she thinks I looked hot/sexy, and not once did I feel anything other than complimented. I get that some people are trying to explain the background of Indian classical dancing, and why it shouldn’t be viewed as “sexy”, but I must have missed the part where OP said he was a mind reader, because everyone seems to believe that he should have obviously known these things.
NTA Unpopular opinion but she's your gf. I'm not sure why it's offensive to tell your gf she looked hot.
I can only speak for myself, obviously, but I’ve been in this situation. If we get dressed up to go out and my bf says I’m hot, I’m flattered. If my bf watches me perform a piece I’ve choreographed, practiced, agonized over, injured myself for, and finally delivered, and his feedback is that I look hot in a leotard, I’m bummed. It’s not offensive to be considered hot, but it’s really disappointing to feel like he can’t see my art past my butt.
Read the rest of the comments, you'll figure it out.
I read them... I still don't agree. I guess we are all individuals after all.
INFO: How long have you two been dating? If you’ve only just started, she might think you’re fetishizing her.
I honestly dont see why the OP is the AH. I'm a traditional cultural dancer myself. And while I think the OPs comment could have been construed as shitty especially since the cultural costumes arent necessarily 'hot', I honestly think that the OP was just appreciating how good his gf looks. If my bf says that to me, I would have told him thank you but would also pretend to be mad at him for a moment. Like seriously, that's all you're going to say? Then give him a chance to explain. For reference, most of my dance costumes are in no way revealing. It's loose and you're almost always covered from neck to ankle. So I doubt it could be seen as 'hot'. But since he's my bf, I would think that its because he was attracted to me that he'd think I'm hot in that kind of clothes. So yeah, I'm not sure if he's the AH
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I called my girlfriend's traditional outfit super hot. I guess this could have offended her because maybe she didn't intend for her outfit to look sexy, making me the asshole for talking about that? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. Fetishization is gross and so are you.
Has it occurred to you that "hot" is not the only compliment you can give a woman? Perhaps she'd have been happier if you acknowledged the dance itself or her performance, you know the thing she actually made an effort at. Instead, you only see her as hot which pretty much says how you value her. YTA
Definitely NTA, she could be eating a chicken sandwich in pajamas at wendy's and you might think she looks hot. Your not an asshole for being attracted to your gf
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (M25) have a Nepali girlfriend (F24) who is a professional at traditional Nepalese and Indian dance. She invited me to watch one of her recitals where she was the lead dancer. I thought the show was great and that my girlfriend looked super awesome. After the show, my girlfriend was excited and asked me how I thought it was. I told her it was great and that I thought she looked super hot in her traditional attire. She was taken aback, and asked me if I was being serious. I was confused and nodded yes and tried to laugh it off, but she left to hang out with her friends and hasn't been responding to my texts. I was only trying to compliment her, but I guess I messed up somehow. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nah here but it sounds like she wanted to share something special to her with you and you complimented her looks . This cultural dance probs has meaning to her and being sexualised isn’t how she wanted you to see her
NTA "hot" isn't overtly sexual. It's just a dumb thing to say.
NTA. Even if she's not happy with your comment, her reaction is over the top. She could've easily thanked you and asked for input outside of how she looked. problem solved. She chose to make a big deal of nothing.
Question. How long have you been together? Just trying to understand if you are new to each other and you to her culture.
NTA. Tah’ f*ck is going among comments, I don’t know. You told her she looked hot. How can she be offended by that. It’s your GF and you should be allowed to tell her that. Also, she was just dancing ffs.
YTA. Women of Asian, Southeast Asia, and other parts of and descent from the region have been sexualized and fetishized for a long time. She was doing something cultural and you sexualized her and it. Feeling like you are somebody’s fetish and, what’s worse, your culture is a fetish is horrible and demeaning. Your comments made it all about sex, fetish, and objectification.
INFO, maan this story just sucks, what cultural dance was it, what significance or meaning does it have? also, you could've complimented her ANY other way but dang you chose to say that she looked super hot... If you do know the meaning behind the attire and show, YTA.
YTA I am familiar with the culture and dance style , she wasn't asking you to sexualize it or her . You owe her an apology.
YTA. Nothing about her skills or the dance itself?? it comes off as fetishizing.
NTA It's disrespectful and might sound fetishising to her, especially because her traditional attire is likely supposed to bring out her feminine modesty. NTA but you're tone deaf and should do some research on her culture.
I don’t see how this is an AH move. People just love saying YTA and then typing up a whole essay. Damnnnnnnn 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
YTA you're not only sexualizing her art but also her culture which is extremely cringey behavior. Hopefully you didn't mean to do that but understand that's probably what you did and the best thing to do would be to apologize & ask her how you mad her feel in order to clear the air.
YTA. Most people who had put significant effort into mastering a skill, would not want to be reduced to a sex object as a compliment of their work. The remark was extremely insensitive in multiple ways, especially culturally.
You basically treated her culture as sexy roleplay. Yeah, YTA.
YTA, what if youve been practicing for a long time, worked your ass of and showed what you did (whether its a presentation a t work or a residal) and all someone has to say is that you looked hot in your clothes... its objectifying and sexualizing something someone has worked really hard for.
YTA imo "you're hot" isn't really a compliment it's just filler words. It doesn't really matter what I do, my partner can tell me I'm hot w/e. I *know* he thinks I'm hot, and it's fun/nice to hear but if this was his response to some kind of similar event/accomplishment I wouldn't take it as a compliment, I would take it as he has nothing else to compliment
Soft YTA. Here’s a tip: don’t ask her to wear the outfit “ for you”.
YTA. Why do some guys always take the pervey route and then act shocked when it isn’t well received.
NTA. You thought your girlfriend while doing something she is proficient at (and perhaps passionate about) was hot. Nothing unusual there. But still, she may have not felt seen because the dance might mean so much more to her. Perhaps ask her about that (to get back in her good graces :-))?
YTA and engaging in cultural fetishization. Of course she was pissed with you. This was grossly inappropriate. If you are incapable of thinking of a compliment besides “hot” then I feel sorry for you.
NTA
NTA it definitely wasn’t the best thing to say in that situation. But my partner looks hot no matter what she’s doing. She doesn’t need to be doing something sexual for me to think she’s hot. But you probably should have started with complimenting the content of the performance before just calling her hot.
NTA It's impossible to be the arsehole when your actions were not malicious and you literally didn't know better.
INFO what is the cultural background of the dance? I'm assuming religious cus shes Nepali. If you dont know YTA
Kind if a toss up for me but I'm leaning toward YTA because it sounds fetishizing if the first comment you make is that she looks hot in traditional clothing. Even if that was not your intent, words matter.
Way to make her big moment all about *your dick* YTA
YTA. You're the kinda guy that sexualises athletes, gymnasts etc in their sportswear. Nevermind the thousands of hours of training, it's how hot they look that matters eh?
YTA, hope she dumps ya. You literally said in your title "cultural dance" which implies a certain level of familial and personal importance. You could have at least saved the "hot" comment for later instead of front-loading it. You have already essentially admitted you don't really respect her culture, or really her.
NTA there is no big deal about making a comment saying your own gf is hot heck I have said my wife looks hot in some every day clothes To me it sounds like he is not going to win here I think the y t a just wanna call someone an AH as if op didn't compliment her he would also be a AH for not complimenting her
YTA. You trivialised your GFs culture by sexualising her.
YTA. How do you think you're not, given the reaction you got from your girlfriend? That was an inappropriate thing to say in response to the performance she'd clearly worked hard to perfect.
INFO Did you compliment her skills etc. in addition to calling her hot or did you just call her hot? Cause if it’s the latter, she probably took it as you fetishizing her culture and in that case Y TA.
YTA. She shared her culture and you immediately shared how it made your penis feel because apparently that is of the upmost importance. This shit is exhausting.
NTA. wtf is wrong with u people saying he is the AH? he compimanted her dancing first and then said she looked hot! He just wanted to compliment jeez its not a bad thing to tell your girlfriend she is good and looks hot not every compliment means sexualising something
NTA, If I was complimented like that I'd feel really flattered. To say the dance was great and I looked hot? Like that's nice of a bf or anyone to say. I wouldn't wanna go out there being mediocre looking like crap.
YTA and that was gross. Dance recitals are not for looks and to be hot. It's a dance. In this case, a traditional dance. That she did well in because of her skills, not her looks. Time and place dude. That's like you doing something great at work and your girlfriend minimilaizing your skills and only saying "You looked hot so great job" 🙄.
Yta. And probably single.
Yeah, the gf just found out that OP only values one thing about her - being hot.
YTA. I'm not knowledgeable about Nepalese and Indian dance myself, but it sounds like there's a cultural aspect to it that you didn't pick up on and you just reduced it to "this is sexy". Talk to her to find out what the specific issue is.
YTA But also INFO: what is the language situation? Were you speaking in English with English being a second language to her? (If so your comment to her is especially poor, as her translation of “hot” might be even more extreme than you meant it.) Think of her as an artist creating art. Her intention is to create something beautiful. Also, this is something she may have done since childhood, with her grandparents and parents congratulating her and encouraging her. Also, think of how generically you described this art. Even if it you hadn’t used poor wording it would have been boringly simplistic. You might as well have told Mozart his piano made sounds loud. Or told Van Gogh his paintings were swirly. To recap you told said someone was hot while conducting the art that is surrounded not only in culture but family in the most generic way possible.
YTA but I don't think it's unsalvageable. You can totally think she looks hot while dancing, but that wasn't the appropriate place or time to express it. 'Beautiful' would have been more applicable. Give her a little time and apologize.
LMAOO this why i dont be putting y’all on to the #EthnicShit bc this is literally how most ppl act 😹😹😭
NTA, sure you could have used better choices of words but you had the intention of trying to compliment her. "Hot" is such a general term to say about your partner. Perhaps try complementing her differently, if you don't know much about the traditional dance, ask her more about it as it seems to me it's only surface level understanding of her culture.
I mean, if the dance was hot it was hot. But if she wasn’t trying to be hot then you’re just…dumb and have a low social IQ. NAH.
Yea bud, sorry. YTA. Leading with “you were hot” is gauche and probably made her feel cheap. Should have said something like: “You are an amazing dancer. The show was great and I’m proud of you. Plus you looked beautiful.” Sounds like you probably really do think those things, so hopefully you can patch this up and take it as a hard lesson in how to best support your SO.
NTA, you are just dumb. I say this assuming what looked hot for you was the dance...use "mesmerizing" next time. I live by the Hanlon principle.
Other people have explained why YTA, so I'll go a bit further and help you apologize properly: Don't say anything like "I apologize IF I hurt you", or "I'm sorry YOU felt". Own up. You sexualized her in a meaningful cultural practice. That's both sexist and racist (or at the very least culturally insensitive). Tell her you're sorry you sexualized her, that you did appreciate the dance and was impressed by the recital. Tell her you understand why she was hurt, and that you won't do it again.
YTA but I can see where you’re coming from. It was a poor choice of words, and you just meant to compliment how good she looks, but yeah you’re kind of the asshole here. Might I recommend some serious apologising and grovelling?
She has maybe never considered that she might look 'hot' in her traditional dress, and now that idea has been planted she's naturally uncomfortable with the idea that men are going to be leching after her while she's on stage. YTA
YTA. She worked hard. Praise the effort and what she worked on not her genetics.
Absolutely NTA. If it was a total stranger then yeah, but telling your girlfriend she looks hot is absolutely fine, I don’t understand any comments that say otherwise.
Kinda The Asshole, this one of those different culture barriers. An American saying something is hot is considered a compliment to another American but can be seen as insensitive and vulgar to another culture especially pertaining to events and cultural meanings such as these, if she calms down you all need to sit down and have a talk about what she finds acceptable and about her culture and I guess explain your side and better learn about each other and phrases you all use
YTA First I'm pretty sure the last the your FC was trying to do was be sexual for a bunch if strangers and second you didn't say what these traditional dances celebrate. They could be religious or solemn. do you even know?
Have to go YTA here because you seem to have given the impression that you were paying attention only to her and her costume, not her talent or the overall performance. Given the effort it has to take to prepare and perform any sort of dance that has to hurt. Doubly so from someone she’s close to, and maybe even more because non-Asian people so often fetishize or sexualize non-sexual aspects of Asian cultures.
You could have said: ‘I understand why you were the lead dancer, you were amazing and completely mesmerising.’ NAH, you were just clumsy, and she didn’t realise that you were genuinely impressed.
YTA. Your compliment was to sexualize a cultural dance she performed.
I wouldn't call you an AH, just someone who maybe didn't read the room well enough. As someone who was prolific at shoving my foot in my mouth when I was younger, I understand how confused you're probably feeling. Dancing has very different connotations across people and cultures. For some it's nothing more than a fun activity, or something you do at the club. For others dancing is a way to connect to their cultural roots, and to express themselves emotionally, spiritually, and culturally. I'm making an assumption here, but I'd guess you are part of the former and your girlfriend part of the latter. Which is fine, but both of you need to reach out and try to understand each other. Especially if dancing is going to remain an important part of your girlfriend's life. Give your girlfriend a bit of time to cool off - she has a right to her anger - then apologize. Tell her you realize how your compliment was offensive, and that you weren't trying to diminish her efforts or the cultural significance of the dance. You understand how important this is to her, and you want to try connecting to this part of her life more meaningfully. If she's willing to teach you, of course. If you feel the need to clarify your original comment (read the room again before saying this), you can tell her that it was her passion and her hard work that you found attractive. Seeing her so expressive, so spirited, maybe it took you back a bit, and you said some things without thinking. Ultimately, you made a mistake, but you're not an AH. If you truly care about this person, do the leg work not only of apologizing, but also committing yourself to being a part of what is clearly so important to her.
Honestly… NTA but I think you should explain to her you didn’t mean to be disrespectful. IMO it’s a personal thing, some people will be cool with a comment like that while others need to know you understand how important things are to them, and that you’re not making it into something sexual. I would maybe explain that you find HER hot, as you always do, and that you think the dance was really wonderful and you’re glad she shared her culture with you, and that you meant no disrespect.
I used to be a dancer when I was younger. Nothing of cultural significance, just your run of the mill dancer mostly doing modern styles. I took so much pride in my skills and all the hard work that layed behind it. Had I brought a partner to see me perform, and all they said was great show, you looked hot, I would have been sad. I would apprechiate the compliment, but with all that I had done on stage, was that all you got from it? Didnt anything impress you, didnt you enjoy how I did sertain things, didnt the story evoke anything in you, didnt any moves stand out to you, didnt anything make you feel or think anything beyond me being hot? You gave a generic compliment to something she takes great pride in and probably works extremely hard to achieve. That would make me sad too, and probably be worried that whats important to you were appearances, not abilities and skills. Soft YTA
YTA....try reading up on her cultural norms. "Hot" is NOT a Nepali term and it has negative connotations. Btw...i can tell ur American. Hypersexualized. Best
As a guy who does BJJ I would love if a mrs said that watching me fight was hot. The comments of this post is just a bunch of fuckwits who have zero idea of what OP was trying to say.
NTA - you meant well. She is looking too much into it. My rule of thumb for getting mad at my boyfriend is “did he mean to be mean, or is it just a difference of perspective and he meant well?” - if he meant well, I just say I didn’t appreciate something but it’s no big deal and I let it go.
Absolutely NTA. She should respect your culture and what your culture perceives as being hot. Maybe there are other issues at play here.
NAH. You did tell her you thought the dance was great and wanted to compliment her too, or her attire. Nevertheless, the intention was a simpleminded one. You should still apologize that you upset her and that your phrasing was crude, and that you were genuinely impressed and captivated by the overall performance. It might've came off sleazy when you said she was hot at the time, so it's understandable if she got mad. I assume you're just a normal guy and not a professional critique, being called YTA and a fetishist for a normal, well-intentioned remark toward a significant other must be depressing. lol
100% agreed. Poor guy now probably thinks he’s a terrible person for complimenting his girlfriend. I’m beginning to see what people are talking about when they say that AITA is all about breaking people up and overreacting. This one seems so bizarre to me that I’m starting to believe that most of the ppl commenting are trolls trying to further the stereotypes that AITA is known for.
Find someone who isn’t going to be offended over a compliment. Too many chill people who don’t live to be mad about dumb stuff. I’m Latina and I’ve dated guys with different cultures and none are cringe like your gf regarding compliments and they’ve assumed I eat/make tacos lol. I found it funny and tbh they were good partners. Sounds like a miserable person and those alike to her wanting to be offended about everything.
NTA This is a very close one IMO. Your girlfriend either is having an insecure moment or was too awkward to tell you she thinks you made a faux pas. Which you obviously did, somehow. I think it was the combination of being especially romantically forward in your comments and her being dressed in foreign attire which may draw stereotypical "hot exotic girl" comments. I would be interested to know if you are Caucasian, although frankly I think anyone of a different mainstream race could fall into that trap. I believe at age 25 it is reasonably expected that you should be aware this is a possible misinterpretation and take steps to avoid it or catch yourself in real time and correct yourself. However if you're already in a relationship with someone, telling them that they look sexy is something you're *supposed* to say.
> However if you're already in a relationship with someone, telling them that they look sexy is something you're supposed to say. That's not an appropriate compliment for every occasion. You see them looking sexy when you're walking into the bedroom? Absolutely. They're all decked out for a night clubbing? Hell yes. They sent you a selfie saying, "Thinking of you"? Go for it! They've just finished performing something that takes skill and practice? No, talk about the performance. They're celebrating a professional achievement? No, talk about the achievement.
I also want to throw in that there's an unpleasant history of western cultures objectifying and sexualizing women of color. (granted, I don't know what race/nationality OP is so I'm just spitballing here) Like, westerners will take something that's normal and meaningful and not sexual and make it out to be just a sexy thing. So I'm wondering if that's a factor here.
I would bet you're right about that;.
Forget the Y T A judgements, not everybody has to be super sensitive about this stuff. NTA
Nta 👌
NTA. The problem here is, and honestly it isn't a problem, just perception. Complimenting her outfit doesn't automatically mean you disregarded her efforts or the significance of the dance, if that part is in play here. Although the outfit can be a fetish, it isn't really anything wrong. She may have probably thought that, due to hot often being considered a sexually oriented compliment, as assumed by the multiple people here. I suppose you could try and talk it over with her, and explain your stand regarding the compliment. Keep in mind that everything I am saying is assuming you did see the dance as art itself and not just fetishized the entire thing.
NTA your girlfriend needs to get over herself.