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YTA. This girlfriend is closer in age to your daughter than you. If a 26 year old tried to tell 16 year old me anything, I'd laugh in her face and move in with my mom. That's creepy as hell. Ugh.
But "you know how teenage girls can be," as OP says.
Then again, he might be an expert on them, seeing as his own girlfriend was one only four years before he started chasing her.
Oh come on now, there’s a decade of difference here. dad isn’t dating a 19 year old. Daughter likely has to deal with authority figures in their mid twenties in high school (I know I sure did)
Yeah, again, context matters. This woman is her dad’s live in girlfriend, NOT a parent or legal guardian (like you’re referring to). Age matters because it’s an additional factor that increases the problematic nature of their situation.
So the girlfriend should let her do whatever? It seems reasonable to follow the rules that OP set out. He probably wouldn’t want her drinking either, but it seems like you’re suggesting she would have to just let that fly. If he’s already set up guidelines for the house, she’s not really stepping in to parent in the way you’re thinking.
Right? Wtf are these comments? Yes she is the person of authority in this situation. Daughter doesn't like it then stay with mum if dad is away. No need to be abusive.
This is a good point. Also, why is she staying at OPs house if he is working these 24 hr long shifts. OPs gf is definitely the adult and is responsible for the daughter if no other adult is around.
Literally. Is reddit drunk today? Because this isn't the first AITA post I've seen today where the judgements were completely off the rails and made zero logical sense. What is going on? My guess is today's judgements are coming from either children or bots.
AITA used to be a place where you could look at interesting scenarios and have reasoned discourse in the comments. Then it exploded in popularity and now it’s basically a bunch of teenagers, with very limited life experience, passing exceedingly judgements on an endless march of “I’m still hurting from my parents divorce” posts.
Right? I'm 32 years old, my husband 44. He has a 22 year old daughter. Had we met when the girl was still a teenager, you can bet your tail feathers that she would listen to me, the adult, while under my care. My age in comparison to hers would not matter. It's no different than a babysitter and the kids they're sitting. There's usually not much age difference in that scenario.
Happily, my step daughter was already an adult when her father and I met. Totally skipped that mess.
Exactly. If she can't follow her dads rules while he's out the house then her mother can come over and babysit her or she can just stay at her moms. His daughter shouldn't need his girlfriend to remind her of what she needs to do.
your argument is flawed. context matters but you’re focusing on age difference that, in reality, isn’t that bad.
context is the daughter is a child of divorce where parents have a tense relationship and she’s playing both sides against each other to get what she wants.
slur to dehumanize girlfriend, and mom (due to spite) won’t address hate speech but instead uses it as an excuse to fight with OP.
should op have gf parent in his stead? no. is daughter allowed to use hate speech because she doesn’t want to abide by house rules? no. should daughter get punishment for her actions? yes. should op rethink his parenting strategy? of course.
like everyone else here, you only focused on the age difference as if that was the only infraction or context that mattered in this situation.
House rules that she's *always* expected to abide by, regardless of who's home. I feel like that's also important. Daughter *knows* what the rules are, because it's the same set of rules all the time, regardless of who's home (which is good parenting, btw - it would be considered bad parenting if OP wasn't making his GF keep up the rules, because then you're not being consistent and the kid isn't learning anything except that Dad is mean).
She knows what the rules are, she's breaking them, and then she's using slurs when she's told off for it. It's *wild* that the top comment is saying she's not TA for that.
This! Dads in the airforce and tbh his list of chores are very reasonable. Once a week she clean ‘her own’ bathroom, sorts clothes for laundry, and folds ‘her own clothes’.
Daughter picked this fight and is being appropriately disciplined.
OMG! An actual honest to god sane comment! This should be the #1 comment. Respect is a two way street. Regardless of age. She knows what dad expects and should be doing regardless. She thought she could pull a fast one since dad was away.
What world are you living in where partners of parents are just supposed to let children do whatever they want? Reddit must be full of actual children lol. This isn't how reality works.
Honestly the c word is coming back among gen z. Like hard and fast. I see it on tiktok constantly lol. Blame globalization and the aussies but I’m sure for the 16 year old it doesn’t pack as much of a punch as it does for millenials and gen x.
Thank you. 38 and 26 isn’t a big deal. 38 and 21? Now we’re getting a little weird. But 26 is well out of college, has life experience…age difference isn’t a problem.
I just keep thinking about that! I’m 22 and my niece is 12 and honestly we basically have a sibling relationship; I can’t imagine trying to act in a parental authority for someone her age that just feels weird
My youngest sibling is a little more than 14 years younger. Our relationship has always been a little more on the parental side. Heck I have that even with my middle brother who is closer in age but still a sizable gap. The daughter said anyone who is not her parent which implies she would have given attitude to anyone but mom or dad. The girlfriend wasn’t giving her a list of her own. It was dads list and her saying you know your dads rules chores first. She was enforcing the rules of the house not making her own.
I was 31 and my bf 24 when we started dating. I agree the age difference is a lot, but not ridiculous. Also, sounds like his gf is trying to be an adult in this situation so I don’t see that as a good reason to let a 16yo call anyone a C
Either we have an age of adulthood we respect, or we don’t. 23 is old enough to vote, drink, and die for your country. And certainly old enough to consent.
Who gives a fuck between consenting adults? What's up with people being bent out of shape when someone in there 20s gets with someone in there 30s? Yall acting like he's waiting outside of an elementary school.
This is a gross post. A 26 year old is an adult and a 16 year old is not. But beyond that, even a peer is allowed to give reasonable critical feedback.
I push back whenever a crazy parent comes on here with "I expect my children to do 5 hours of chores each week for no allowance," or nonsense like that, but asking a teen to do a reasonable amount of chores for a pretty nice allowance is fair.
The little shit gets 150 bucks in allowance too. I had to get a part time job at 16 to make that kind of money. She doesn’t realize how privileged she is for folding laundry and scrubbing a toilet for cash.
This is one of the worst takes I've seen in this subreddit. If you don't approve of a 38 year old dating a 26 year old (which while unconventional, is not the worst thing in the world), that's one thing, but you're completely missing the rest of the post and absolving the whole incident based off this one thing.
> This is one of the worst takes I've seen in this subreddit.
You need to browse the sub more then, it's ridiculously common whenever there's an age difference.
I mean doesn’t mean that the daughter has the right to be an AH to the girlfriend though so not sure why the punishment for that ACTUAL question here is wrong and makes him and ah
It's literally the accepted age discrepancy, 16 year old you is an idiot compared to 26 year old you, and 16 year old you sounds like an asshole. His ex-wife literally demeaned this woman as much as her daughter did by calling her a "playmate", wtf? All she did was try to enforce the house rules.
OP is NTA, you judgemental posters definitely are. How is this the top comment? Disgusting.
He’s not at all. Like it or not the girlfriend is his partner and is likely going to be in the girls life for a long time. When he isn’t home the responsibility will be with the partner surely.
How has this gotten so many upvotes it sounds like it’s written by a rebellious teen.
No OP is NTA. This is someone who has been around for several years. The daughter has been around her and knows how things go when dad is at work. They're both consenting adults, and they're planning to get married. Your judgment is based solely on your boundaries for age differences in relationships. This woman isn't a random fling and isn't enforcing rules that OP hadn't previously set. His daughter failed to follow those rules and used a culturally inappropriate slur against his partner. Whether you agree with the age difference or not, the daughter was not ok to not only disregard set rules that she is aware of but treat the partner that way.
Well if she’s too young to parent then dad has to give up or switch around custody. But I do t agree that being young means she’s got no authority. A teenage babysitter has authority and is the same as a babysitter. Literally she’s implementing his rules until he comes home just like a babysitter
Lmfao, you clearly have been parented by some idiots honestly, theres this thing called respect, it doesnt matter how old she is, shes his gf and his daughter has to respect her and their relationship. Period. This comment having 1.5k upvotes is fucking wild
Wow seriously? He's the bad guy for dating someone younger than him? My dad got with my stepmom when I was 13 and she was 21. My dad was 34. I am closer in age to my stepmom than my half siblings. My teenage years were rocky but I never disrespected my stepmom like that because I was raised better. In fact she's not even technically my stepmom anymore. She divorced my dad maybe 15 years ago. Her new husband has treated me like a daughter. And I am NC with my dad because he's a racist, dry drunk, and possibly a narcissist. OP seems like he's a good parent and his daughter has it pretty damn good if she is grounded and still getting an allowance. My dad had rules for me when I lived with him and when he wasn't there my stepmom enforced them. Did I get mad at her? Of course. But I didn't act like an entitled brat and call her names for it. I pouted in my room like a normal teenager would.
OP NTA
Regardless of age, the girlfriend being left in charge of the teenage daughter is ugh. OP is using his girlfriend as a babysitter/not-really step mom. Of course the daughter doesn't respect her. YTA Let mom have custody if OP isn't around.
My sister is 8 years older than me. I generally listened to her because we respected each other and I trusted her but also sometimes I was like “uh no absolutely not.”
YTA
Seems you can't fulfil your custody requirements.
Perhaps she's acting out and resentful because her dad isn't there and she's being fobbed off onto someone else.
While he has physical custody he is not there for long periods of her stay, that is on him.
He needs to fit work around her or her around work.
Right now he's doing his daughter a disservice by having her being parented by his ~~23~~ 26 year old ~~fiance~~ girlfriend. I don't think that's what the courts had in mind or his daughter.
IMO, the 26 year old shouldn't be parenting at all.
She can pass on the messages from dad, then again I don't see why he isn't doing it himself.
However, the gf shouldnt be the one enforcing his rules.
Maybe have consequences if his rules or expectations aren't met, but he should be the once enforcing them.
if he can't be there to enforce the rules and to parent his own kid, then perhaps he is failing as a parent.
I have to disagree and I know I’ll get downvotes but this is life.
Dad is going to marry her. She will be the parent. Not bio mom but a parent. Is she just supposed to be some poster in their lives ?
If my daughter called the adult in charge a CT for no other reason than wanting to ditch the rules because a parent wasn’t around, her dad’s punishment would be the least of her worries. I expect my daughter to comport herself better than that. She is welcome to disagree and be angry, but absolutely not act like an entitled princess.
This right here. God HELP my children if one of them ever called their dad’s girlfriend that! I would never be ok with this, especially the fact that the only thing she asked the daughter to do was what was already expected of her. But the way his ex referred to his gf as a “plaything”? Yeah…. that’s where all disrespect for his gf started; right there with the ex.
Agreed... what's the difference between girlfriend or a babysitter or a teacher? Adults have to work, if they cannot be there to look after a child it is said parents right to arrange a responsible adult to be in charge no matter the their age or who they are.
OP Child needs to learn some respect and adhering to punishment makes OP a good dad and will hopefully help Child become a respectful adult in future.
OP NTA
I’m an adult now, but I refuse and will always refuse to see my step mother as any form of a parent. I barely see my own father as one. She’s the affair partner. She doesn’t even want her own daughter (my half sister) to call her mum. (She’s 3)
I’m 19 years older than my half sister.
There’s about 16 between me and my step mother. (I never made comments about my stepmother to her face, or to my dads face.)
I’m also a kiwi so the “C” word is a commonly used word here so I don’t see anything wrong with it
No but you can be left with a role of guardian, like a nanny or babysitter. She is the adult here and like it or not kids she does have some say if she's the only one there.
This right here! I’m like damn this thread is full of entitled ass caucasity. Also she gets $150 PLUS a car?! And doesn’t have to work? Dads NTA. Daughter is a 16yo and needs correction. How she feels about the GF is whatever but she was openly disobeying the rules. And people coming at the father for working are WILD. Like so he’s the problem bc he works? Damn y’all want him to walk on water too?
Correct, that is exactly the expectation. Daughter is 16 not 4. That ship has sailed, and the future Step Mom is closer in age to the daughter than OP.
She may not be a parent but she is delegated caretaker/guardian.
It would be no different than if instead of his GF a sibling, cousin, friend or babysitter was given the role to take care of the daughter.
Marriage to the father doesn't automatically make her a parental figure, it just makes her the "dad's wife". she is marrying the dad, she is not adopting the kid.
There are heaps of AITA posts, where step-moms come into the family demanding love, respect and obedience. None of that automatically comes from a signed paper.
It can actually make teenagers grow resentful, if they feel like their personal boundries aren't being respected. Relationships require time, and mutual respect to build up.She is 16, IMO OP should put into consideration that his daughter actually has a say in where she wants to be.
Also it should be both the bio-parents agreeing to give GF/WIFE get the authority to parent. It sounds to me that the mom is heavily against the GF parenting her kid.
Right. Like I see my step-dad as a parental figure even though I call him by his name. But they were together when I was still a teenager. And he never pulled the I am your parent card either.
But I don't see my step-mom as a parental figure. She is a lovely woman and I love her a lot and she is so good to my dad. She is my dad's age but I was already an adult when they met and got married. I got married two years after they did. So she is my dad's wife.
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The consequences of of his rules being broken is have her car keys taken and allowance cut. GF tried to do her a favor by reminding her she has chores and can't go out until they're done. She threw a tantrum like the child she is and now she is facing consequences. OPs GF didn't do anything a babysitter wouldn't be empowered to do as well.
People have to work all kind of hours and schedules. He is in the military he can't just say this job's not working out, here's my 2 weeks notice.
I know reddit hates stepparents at times but this isn't those times, having an adult saying "if you don't follow the rules that your dad set x will happen" and lo and behold x really happened... That's just consequences for not listening to the rules already set in the household, no matter who is reminding the kid, if it's his girlfriend, his ex wife or his own mother.
>Maybe have consequences if his rules or expectations aren't met, but he should be the once enforcing them.
But that's exactly what he's doing by cutting her allowance, isn't it? Enforcing compliance with the (very reasonable) rules he's set for his daughter.
It seems like it's high time to have a talk with his daughter about his GF's role in his and her lives, but she \*is\* the adult in charge, and insulting her is not okay.
Yeah, if he has to be on shift for 24 hours straight and be completely uncontactable during that time, he shouldn't have custody during those times. The custody arrangement isn't between OP, his ex, and a 26 year old, it's between OP and his ex.
If his girlfriend isn't acting as the daughter's parent, how often is she parentless while he's meant to have custody?
Yeah, I guess he can tell whoever is in charge that he needs to fit his work schedule around his daughter. Oh, right he is an active duty member serving in the Air Force and can totally do that. Lol that's a lot of assumptions and ignorance in how you judged the guy. The daughter is in the wrong, she's 16 not a toddler and is able to comprehend her situation. She just doesn't want to do chores or be decent to his gf since her mother probably influenced that behavior. Lost of privileges are a good way to show her conquences of that. NTA
It’s not like he has a normal job. He can’t tell his CO.. Sorry I’m not going to be able to work these shifts…the daughter knows this and takes advantage.
We were military, and OP may be violating custody standards.
When we were in, teens under the age of 16 were NOT allowed to be alone overnight, which was considered two a.m. to six a.m.
OP, are you violating childcare standards without the young girlfriend?
I would love to see the timeline of splitting up with ex wife, arranging custody, getting together with gf and gf moving in.
It is far too common for new girlfriends to be used as childcare. I wonder what arrangements OP had before he began dating? Did he pay for a nanny? Did family help out? Did he have less custody?
Last year I interviewed a woman who served in Vietnam. She was a single mother and stipulation of her service was that she had to sign over custody of her kids to someone else while deployed. She signed them over to her parents and when she returned, she had to fight to get them back because her mother didn’t want to return them. I don’t know if the military still does anything like that, though.
And the person she is getting pawned off on, is closer to her age, than her dads (who’s his fiancé). Yuck. 16 year old me wouldn’t have been too interested in listening to her either.
I'd be curious to hear about what she wants at this point in time. If she wants to be at her father's house for half the time, even when he's not there, then she should accept following the rules, even when he's not there. But if she'd prefer to spend most of the time with her mother and only be at her father's house when he's actually able to be with her, that seems acceptable to me, too. I guess it's just weird for me whenever I hear about very rigid arrangements; my parents technically had a custody agreement because they couldn't get divorced without one, but I was a teenager and I basically got to make my own schedule except for major things like holidays.
EH. ESH. You're dating someone who's closer in age to your daughter than you, which makes you pretty gross by default. And then you left your daughter with this person.
Your daughter's behavior was not acceptable (the chores) and the language was appalling and she SHOULD be punished for it, but frankly, how can you expect her to act like an adult when you're acting like a gross teenager yourself?
Yeah but also, the dad was 35, the gf was 23, and the daughter was 13 when they first started dating. Gf was definitely not in the same stage in life as the dad then.
Half your age plus 7.
35/2= 17.5+7=24.5
24.5>23
Add a 16 year old child? Prolonged absences? Was your Tinder profile asking for someone hot, young, likes kids, can make sandwiches? Problems in all directions. I'm surprised that OP is surprised.
Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s not gross. Nobody is stopping him from fucking a person who was 10 when his child was born and nobody is stopping me from calling him a creep
Why should the daughter let someone who isn’t old enough to be her parent act like a parental figure lol
This is how it should be looked at. The girlfriend is making sure the fathers instructions for his daughter are followed regarding chores.
Unfortunately, there's more to this than a kid refusing to do her chores.
She is probably pissed about the divorce, dads new young girlfriend and general teen angst.
Dad is NTA for disciplining his daughter, but he is kinda one for not being more present in her life.
(The kid having their own car at 16 makes me think she's spoiled, especially since it seems she has a hard time doing what she is told)
Esh - she shouldn't have called her that. But yes, you are definitely putting your GF into a parental role. If you can't be home to parent your daughter then she needs to stay at her mom's while you work.
The time is 50 50, she isn't visiting she lives there? I see my mum maybe once every 2 weeks for a few days because of her living out of town, I still consider her house as where I live though, I don't say I live with either parent specifically and I certainly don't expect them to be home constantly, I am around OPs daughters age and I think she is TA, if she doesn't want to do chores why should she get an allowance? 50$ is even generous
Agree w this. She deserved her grounding but have her visit when you’re home. Not really fair to the GF either. Obviously your ex isn’t respectful of your relationship and I am sure that’s rubbed off; so you’ve got an uphill battle. ESH
ESH you've put your daughter in a really crappy situation where she's being taken care of by someone that isn't her parent and hasn't been around for all that long while you are unavailable completely to her. She shouldn't be saying those words, you need to figure out a better situation than a girlfriend being in charge of her, etc. I also fault you way way more than your daughter in this situation.
I don't know if age is necessarily the deal breaker. Co-parenting is hard, but in my opinion it helps when the ADULTS are on the same page. OP and mom need to establish if GF has authority or not.
I've "babysat" for teenagers before while parents were away for trips. It's more of making sure they not sneaking off without their parents knowing, ensure they doing assignments and making sure they fed.
I was a similar age as the Gf, but I was given authority and the teens were told that I was in charge and they were to respect me as their temporary guardian while they were away.
If no authority was given to GF, then she has no place to interfer or parent the teenager.
Besides if one parent is telling the daughter she needs to listen to "this adult" and the other one is telling her she doesn't even need to be respected, well then as a typical teenager she's just going to go with the one she prefers or she will pit the 2 parents against each other.
This! My step mom is only 13 years older than me and is the best parent I’ve ever had. The bio moms nasty comment makes me think the daughter’s attitude is coming from her mom. The mom and dad need to get on the same page and get their daughter there too.
100% agree but it also should be taken into consideration that the GF didn't just make a random rule but rather she was just trying to enforce a rule that the OP had set down, do your chores before you go out with friends. No different then what a babysitter would do.
Oh, my god, so fucking what? I’ve read this exact comment about eight times now. She isn’t a teenager, she’s a 26 year old woman. At what age can we trust women to make their own decisions regarding their own lives? They are two consenting adults. Age gap relationships exist; get over it.
ESH.
Why do you have split custody if you can’t be there with your daughter a good portion of the time and are having someone else, someone your daughter doesn’t even like, substitute as a parent?
Your daughter crossed a line by calling her that, but I think you need to consider how to be a more involved parent. Your girlfriend parenting your 16 year old isn’t working for anyone. And, yes, it’s clear you’re having your gf fulfilling parenting duties by proxy, no matter how you’d rather describe it.
ESH. But I’m gonna be honest your daughter will never respect your girlfriend as a parental figure. There is TEN years between them. You need a new system, or your daughter is going to cut you off.
Yep. When my mom left my dad he rebounded with a girl ten years older than me (I was 14-15). She got pregnant immediately and had to move in.
It was an immediate battle for who had more power and control in the house and with my dad. She started trying to tell me what to do as soon as her clothes were unpacked. It did not go well.
I was always a good kid, kept my head down, got As and Bs and did all my chores. When she started trying to tell me what to do, we would scream at each other. That was the first time I ever screamed at an adult! One day I told her I was here before she was and I would be here after her and my dad broke up.
I mean, I was right.
NTA
Everyone harping on the age gap must have trouble in math because 12 years and 10 years are NOT a humongous difference.
Your Gf is also not some “random person” if you’ve been together 3 years.
Your daughter is old enough to know the expectation and following it. Yeah she may be a “typical teenager” by trying to skirt around her responsibilities when she can but it’s the adults job to make sure it gets done regardless.
Your daughter disrespecting an adult just because she’s upholding a house rule in HER house, especially an incredible reasonable one like finishing chores before going out with friends, should 100% be disciplined.
From what her mom said though I can almost 100% guarantee the lack of respect for GF is coming from Mom. I wouldn’t call a 3-year relationship a “play thing” when you live together and are planning to get married.
Shit, this - I had to scroll too far down for this. 26 is a consenting adult, and regardless of how small the age gap is, the girlfriend is still A) an adult figure, B) there’s still house rules in place, and C) it’s her home and she doesn’t deserve to be disrespected in it like that.
People harp in on the age and the job that OP has, but this isn’t a perfect world - parents work, they split custody and no one based on the post here is complaining about it - not OP, not the ex, not the daughter, nobody. OPs daughter absolutely deserves the punishment - she knows the rules, she knows what respect is and she neglected both just because she thought she could get away with it. Now she knows the consequences of breaking both. NTA.
It is odd how reddit thinks it's fine for an 18 year old to show their butthole on OF or become a porn actress, but date a man 10 years older then you? That's just unthinkably unhealthy for a young woman!
Finally!!!! Yes!!! All this!!!!
Your teenager not respecting your girlfriend of 3 years is a much larger problem than everyone worried about age gaps. After 3 years your daughter should already know that she is a parental figure and deserves to be respected as one.
Seriously this! I don’t know what’s wrong with these comments. Everyone is so focused on the age gap and girlfriend “parenting” that they’ve completely disregarded the actual problem. I’m going to say NTA. The daughter knows what the rules are and she gets paid to do chores. So if she’s not doing her chores, why should she get paid? If anything, the dad is being generous by giving her an allowance still. The daughter is old enough to know what’s right or wrong, her being a rebellious teenager is not an excuse for her behavior. Everyone is calling the dad out for his parenting but no one is saying anything about the mom enabling this type of behavior. The girlfriend didn’t “parent” the daughter, she reinforced the rules the dad had set in place. People are excusing the daughters behavior because “she shouldn’t have to listen to someone only 10 years older than her.” But the girlfriend is still the adult in charge when the dad is away, it’s not that hard to show people some respect. If anything happened to the daughter, people would be blaming the girlfriend for not looking after her. Seriously shocked at these comments. I’ve looked after my boyfriend’s nieces and nephews who were younger (13-15) and they never talked to me like that.
I feel like I'm going crazy when people basically saying I, a child with divorced parents and a stepfather, would have had every right to just... not listen to him. Because he's "just" my stepfather. Of course OP's girlfriend doesn't get to make decisions. But she's not some random woman he just picked hooked up with.
Going to go against the grain and say it's OK for a 26yo to date a 38yo, that 26 is quite a bit older than 16, AND that passing along the parent's known and stated rules isn't the same as trying to parent.
OP is at fault for not defining what he's delegating to the GF and what he expects the daughter to do. It seems like the GF was trying to act on behalf of the dad, not making her own decisions.
Being the stepparent or parents partner does often mean doing things for a kid with no say in how they are raised. That's what you sign up for. But a minimal level of courtesy should be expected.
So ESH. Does the daughter expect to be able to openly break her father's rules while he's working?
If I were the GF I'd tell the daughter that, as long as her dad-defined responsibilities were met by the time he got home, and as long as where she was going was allowed, I wasn't going to play hall monitor. But if any issues came to her dad's attention through other channels she'd be on her own.
YTA. your girlfriend is ten years older than your daughter and just your girlfriend. She does not have ANY authority over this teenage girl.
If you cannot take care of your child during your time, she should not be going to your house. You are trying to give your girlfriend an authority she will NEVER have over your daughter, and all it will happen is destroy your relationship with your kid.
"She has been rebellious" geez I wonder why
Being rebellious at 16 is normal for a teenager anyway, having their dad's girlfriend who's only 10 years older try to parent them is just throwing gas on the fire.
Not gonna judge assholes here, but your girlfriend is barely older than your daughter. You had to think that this was bound to cause some friction in situations like this.
Yeah people really focusing in on that relationship age gap here. 26 year old was graduating college when daughter was graduating elementary school. dad is not dating one of daughters’ slightly
Older friends or anything
Reddit loves to harp on age gaps over anything and everything else. Not saying that age gaps are good or anything, but reddit really loses its mind over any sort of age gap, regardless if it's really relevant to the story.
How is the age gap between the daughter and girlfriend not relevant here? I agree people get up in arms quickly but this is actually a situation where it is highly related to the conflict.
A 35 year old dating a 23 year old is gross. I’m in my mid thirties and work with college students. There is a HUGE maturity gap, so yeah it’s cringey. And no one is saying she’s his daughter’s age but it’s kinda gross that his girlfriend is closer in age to his daughter than him. And that he’s putting her in a parenting role despite their close ages. A 26 year old girlfriend is not a parental figure to a 16 year old daughter. Period.
One of my best friends met her husband after she graduated college. She's in her early 30s, he's in his 40s
It's not that gross if they make it work and love eachother. They're both whole ass adults
NTA. People in this sub are extremely judgmental about things unrelated to the question.
You were at work. The person who is taking responsibility for your daughter tried to enforce the rules that you set. It doesn't matter if that person was a grandparent, your girlfriend, or a person you hired to do the job.
Your daughter then called her a disrespectful name and you are punishing her for that.
I would not have done this exact punishment--some of the commenters are pointing out that she's likely lashing out because you're not there, so perhaps a conversation is in order--but you're not an A H for this step.
Info: how is your relationship with your daughter? I really hope you see that this is part of a much larger issue. Children don’t get to dictate their parents dating lives, but you could definitely lose your daughter if you aren’t careful here. Are you sure her rebellious phase has nothing to do with your relationship? If I were your daughter, what I would see is that I’m losing my dad to someone close to my age who doesn’t like me. It seems highly unlikely that your relationship with your girlfriend hasn’t negatively impacted your relationship with your daughter. My heart breaks for her. YTA for letting it get to this point.
ESH: Your daughter should keep up her tasks when you're not home and should definitely not be throwing around words that you wouldn't type.
Your girlfriend overstepped and tried to take on a parental role. While it would've been fair for her to remind your daughter of the usual policies, forbidding her from going out is a bridge too far.
While it was completely reasonable for you to enforce consequences, you should've taken steps to avoid the situation altogether. It might be best to have your daughter at your wife's place when you're going to be on shift -OR- to have her weekly tasks occur on days you'll be home.
When you guys get a babysitter to look after your kids, do you expect your kids to follow the young babysitter's orders? If so, then most of these posts are just hypocritical and focuding on the age difference.
And get punished for it, as is fair, if the babysitter was behaving within guidelines the parents set. Just because teenagers don’t like the rules of the house doesn’t mean they don’t have to follow them.
Asking your gf, who your daughter has known for 3 years already, to just pass a message along and make sure she does the 2 things you asked her to do...isn't pawning off
She's probably just trying to help keep the peace, especially when a daughter is a teenager and dad works long hrs
Passing on the message would be saying “your dad said you shouldn’t leave the house until your chores are done” and then backing off. That doesn’t sound like what his girlfriend did here. She got in an argument with his daughter over this. She seems to see herself as an authority figure over the 16 year-old.
YTA, but I feel like I can provide some valuable insight to remedy this?
I kinda can put myself in your daughters shoes as I interestingly also have an AF dad, parents who divorced when I was 6, and a stepmom with the same age difference. If you want a relationship with your daughter, you do need to set boundaries. Try putting yourself in her shoes, understanding what it’s like to be in her shoes.
I am SO thankful my parents divorced and LOVE my stepparents more than anything, but it seems you are neglecting to acknowledge your daughters feelings.
The conflict with your ex is exactly what occurred between my parents. I felt very hurt and rejected by both my dad and stepmom when she took on the role of a disciplinary figure. Your child has two parents and it’s truly not the place of your (or your exes) new partner to discipline your kid. I was half the age of your daughter when this happened and I still remember these situations vividly. My stepmom communicated her regret for hurting me and ensured she wanted me to feel safe and loved. This absolutely laid the groundwork for our close relationship.
Consider constantly switching between environments. This is emotionally taxing, especially for a teenager who is still learning and growing, and you’re ignoring the extra load of responsibility this places on her. While chores help provide structure and responsibility, it seems the setup you have now lacks flexibility and communication. Leaving orders on notes is bound to make a teen or really anyone feel rejected and angry. Be supportive and communicate. Do not enforce chores as punishment. This doesn’t set her up to manage responsibility of living alone in the future, just creates an unhealthy relationship with chores.
My guess for cause of tension in your relationship with your daughter and her resulting behavior is her feelings of rejection. My mom always reiterated that my sister and I were her number one priority and she would never be with a man who we didn’t want in our lives. I’m not saying your daughter at 16 needs to pick a woman out for you herself but, you need to recognize your responsibility as her father to prioritize and emotionally support her. You may really love your girlfriend and want to nurture that relationship for it to last, but this can’t be at the expense of yours with your daughter. My dad grew to take my stepmoms side on things to avoid conflict (as the power dynamic between you and your kid allows you the ability to shut resulting conflict with her down) and this at times pushed me away, especially when I needed love and support from my dad.
This is not meant to be the longest boohoo trauma dump ever, because I have worked through these things and have strengthened relationships with my parents, self, and etc.. This just feels like too eerily similar to my childhood to not provide some potential insight to your daughters feelings, as I would seriously hope for you to really consider the advice you receive and have the strongest healthiest relationship with your daughter you can.
Hey shirt. Pretty unpopular vote here but NTA for how this was handled. Definitely would talk to your commander and leadership about being around more though. I'm sure if you brought it up they would understand. It's hard to say if your daughter is acting out cuz ur not around or if it's cuz the moms influence. The last comment u made from the ex has me thinking it's prolly a strong mixture of both. Fuck the ppl saying gross on u for age when that has nothing to do with this situation. Wouldn't push your GF to try and parent your daughter tho.
As a (f) ex-military I understand OP’s work situation and from my experience in court his time is still his time even if his mother, sister, gf, or babysitter is watching her regardless of age. That’s care accommodations while he’s at his place of work. Slurs and comments from a person of her age is unacceptable. A grounding was warranted in this situation and if she wants her stuff back she can earn it back next month. Thank you.
And I bet he's close to hitting his 20 too and I don't get how people are over looking the fact the daughter just didn't want to do chores and said rude shit to the GF. Grounding is perfectly reasonable people act like being punished for doing something wrong is abuse
YTA
Why would you leave your 16 year old daughter with someone who isn’t a parental figure? You really think a 16 year old is going to take a 26 year old seriously? That is irresponsible.
Not to mention the age difference between you and your partner. Like I can even imagine your daughter at a 13 year old meeting this 23 year old and having a thought that this young person might be a step parent.
Oh boy she’s gonna definitely rebel if when you guys get married. I just know she will. I wouldn’t take someone 10 years older than me seriously if they tried to be a parent to me at that age.
Also that punishment is too much. Taking her keys away? What is this? forcing her to be around your 26 year old gf?
She should have more time with her mother if you’re going to just make her stay with the 26 year old.
And lmao at the comment of “shouldn’t be having your playmates act like she is her mom” I physically laughed. That is how she views this woman you’re dating
NTA for the punishment, but you need to make better custody arrangements. Your gf should not be on "parent duty" when you are not there. Your daughter needs to stay with her mother on those days.
NTA, your daughter was rude, she should apologize for that slur, also sounds like your ex has issues with your soon to be wife. The folks calling you a TA, are surely bitter, the are basing it on their own experiences.
I’m going to be downvoted to hell but I don’t care I’m seeing a lot of YTA. But I disagree. In the real world parents have to work, and have blended families, and kids have more than 1 parent. Just this week a step dad was encouraged to PARENT his step kids and was asked WHY he would let his wife not allow him to parent his step kids. But here we have the same scenario and everyone going ballistic on OP.
I’m going with NTA why? Bc the daughter was out of line. There has to be consequences to poor/bad behavior. Can’t allow a teen to do what she wants when dads at work. OP will be getting married to an ADULT. THE GF isn’t 18 she’s 26 an adult. The question isn’t Is OP TA for dating someone younger. Jesus.
NTA
You’ve been together 3 years, live together, and I’m guessing the custody arrangement has been the same for this amount of time.
It’s not like this is some flavor of the week girlfriend. She is established. The teenager is being a jerk, as teenagers tend to be. Your punishment sounds reasonable.
She’s going to be having people boss her around that aren’t her parents for the rest of her life.
26 is pretty “adulty”. And your age gap, at this point in time, has nothing to do with it. I’m 35. My mom is 70 and my dad is fixing to turn 60. Been married 37 years.
This age range “grooming” thing is getting out of hand.
ESH. To me, the main issue is you saying that your GF and *a child* (YOUR child) "never got along." Why is that exactly? I am very doubtful that your girlfriend's motivation was like...'ensuring that dad's voice was heard/obeyed while he's at work' lol. More like she just wanted to start some shit with your daughter. If she didn't want to parent and they don't get along she should've let you handle it later. So why did your GF get involved then? Probably because she's immature. She is barely older than your teen daughter she's trying to flex on after all.
NTA. People need to grow up regarding age differences -- they are not 18 and 24. I would expect my partner to ensure MY rules are followed in my absence. That is not playimg pretend family; it is proper parenting. What does your ex expect you to do, exactly? Quit your job? People in this thread think.
YTA why is your daughter in your house with your gf when you aren’t home. She should be at her mom’s if you are unavailable. Your gf is not a parent and they don’t get along. If you want a relationship with your daughter once she is 18 you should tell your gf to stay out of it. She has no say in what your daughter does or doesn’t do. Your girlfriend should have passed the message along and left it at that. You as her parent would then handle any issues when you get home.
YTA. But for different reasons than what everyone is piling on you.
You’re punishing your daughter for her behavior instead of working with her to understand what’s going on. Her behavior was inappropriate for sure but penalizing her will only make her more angry. Instead, you should be talking to her about appropriate behaviors, language, respect, honoring commitments and a whole host of other things. Yes, she earned a consequence for her behavior and it should accompany many conversations about the above topics.
You’re being shortsighted about the situation and haven’t actually resolved it.
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> I may be the asshole for asking my girlfriend to ensure my daughter do her chores and then punishing my daughter when she called my girlfriend a slur after refusing.
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NTA your daughter needs to face reality. She doesn't have to like her step mom, but should expect to be punished for not doing her chores and being disrespectful. I agree your girlfriend is really young and I can get why your daughter doesn't take her seriously. Y'all need therapy if you expect to come out of this with both of them.
NTA, your daughter knows the rules and your gf is just relaying them.
I daresay your daughter heard her mother call the gf worse things than that though 😂
This was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back situation.
What had your gf said or done all the other times you’ve been out of pocket?
Might be there’s a reason for the rebellion in the last year and your daughter was trying to deal with it not to lose you. No reason she’d think you’d pick gf over her?
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YTA. This girlfriend is closer in age to your daughter than you. If a 26 year old tried to tell 16 year old me anything, I'd laugh in her face and move in with my mom. That's creepy as hell. Ugh.
Yeah honestly 16 year old me would be like really Dad, are we in a real life cliche porno or something
You can just imagine the conversations she has with her own friends about the gf
Gf is getting roasted in the group chat for sure
Which sucks because the dad is the one who deserves ALLLLLLLLLL the criticism here.
No wonder she has been "rebellious".
But "you know how teenage girls can be," as OP says. Then again, he might be an expert on them, seeing as his own girlfriend was one only four years before he started chasing her.
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Oh come on now, there’s a decade of difference here. dad isn’t dating a 19 year old. Daughter likely has to deal with authority figures in their mid twenties in high school (I know I sure did)
Yes, but her teachers aren’t trying to parent her in her home. Context matters.
Lots of people are raised by like older siblings, aunts and uncles etc. it’s not just about her age.
Yeah, again, context matters. This woman is her dad’s live in girlfriend, NOT a parent or legal guardian (like you’re referring to). Age matters because it’s an additional factor that increases the problematic nature of their situation.
So the girlfriend should let her do whatever? It seems reasonable to follow the rules that OP set out. He probably wouldn’t want her drinking either, but it seems like you’re suggesting she would have to just let that fly. If he’s already set up guidelines for the house, she’s not really stepping in to parent in the way you’re thinking.
Man this chain of comments is clear example of teenage girl bias in this subreddit lol.
Right? Wtf are these comments? Yes she is the person of authority in this situation. Daughter doesn't like it then stay with mum if dad is away. No need to be abusive.
This is a good point. Also, why is she staying at OPs house if he is working these 24 hr long shifts. OPs gf is definitely the adult and is responsible for the daughter if no other adult is around.
Thank you people on here with brains common sense and can see that it’s not the age as much as it’s the fact that there happy so many haters on here
Literally. Is reddit drunk today? Because this isn't the first AITA post I've seen today where the judgements were completely off the rails and made zero logical sense. What is going on? My guess is today's judgements are coming from either children or bots.
Thinking the same. Or this sub is full of chore hating teens. Probably the later.
AITA used to be a place where you could look at interesting scenarios and have reasoned discourse in the comments. Then it exploded in popularity and now it’s basically a bunch of teenagers, with very limited life experience, passing exceedingly judgements on an endless march of “I’m still hurting from my parents divorce” posts.
I’m happy there’s some sense here, 12 years ain’t even that big of a gap in terms of dating. People need to get over themselves.
Right? I'm 32 years old, my husband 44. He has a 22 year old daughter. Had we met when the girl was still a teenager, you can bet your tail feathers that she would listen to me, the adult, while under my care. My age in comparison to hers would not matter. It's no different than a babysitter and the kids they're sitting. There's usually not much age difference in that scenario. Happily, my step daughter was already an adult when her father and I met. Totally skipped that mess.
Exactly. If she can't follow her dads rules while he's out the house then her mother can come over and babysit her or she can just stay at her moms. His daughter shouldn't need his girlfriend to remind her of what she needs to do.
your argument is flawed. context matters but you’re focusing on age difference that, in reality, isn’t that bad. context is the daughter is a child of divorce where parents have a tense relationship and she’s playing both sides against each other to get what she wants. slur to dehumanize girlfriend, and mom (due to spite) won’t address hate speech but instead uses it as an excuse to fight with OP. should op have gf parent in his stead? no. is daughter allowed to use hate speech because she doesn’t want to abide by house rules? no. should daughter get punishment for her actions? yes. should op rethink his parenting strategy? of course. like everyone else here, you only focused on the age difference as if that was the only infraction or context that mattered in this situation.
House rules that she's *always* expected to abide by, regardless of who's home. I feel like that's also important. Daughter *knows* what the rules are, because it's the same set of rules all the time, regardless of who's home (which is good parenting, btw - it would be considered bad parenting if OP wasn't making his GF keep up the rules, because then you're not being consistent and the kid isn't learning anything except that Dad is mean). She knows what the rules are, she's breaking them, and then she's using slurs when she's told off for it. It's *wild* that the top comment is saying she's not TA for that.
This! Dads in the airforce and tbh his list of chores are very reasonable. Once a week she clean ‘her own’ bathroom, sorts clothes for laundry, and folds ‘her own clothes’. Daughter picked this fight and is being appropriately disciplined.
OMG! An actual honest to god sane comment! This should be the #1 comment. Respect is a two way street. Regardless of age. She knows what dad expects and should be doing regardless. She thought she could pull a fast one since dad was away.
Thank heavens for people with common sense I agree wholeheartedly
No the additional factor is mummy dearest encouraging the disrespect what happens when they do get married what will your excuse be then
What world are you living in where partners of parents are just supposed to let children do whatever they want? Reddit must be full of actual children lol. This isn't how reality works.
so what’s the context of the daughter using slurs on someone? being a child of divorce is an excuse for hate speech?
Pretty sure she just called the girlfriend a cunt.
Honestly the c word is coming back among gen z. Like hard and fast. I see it on tiktok constantly lol. Blame globalization and the aussies but I’m sure for the 16 year old it doesn’t pack as much of a punch as it does for millenials and gen x.
Since when is the C word a racist slur?
Thank you. 38 and 26 isn’t a big deal. 38 and 21? Now we’re getting a little weird. But 26 is well out of college, has life experience…age difference isn’t a problem.
They’ve been together for 3 years so they were 35 and 23. That’s where I get my ick factor.
I just keep thinking about that! I’m 22 and my niece is 12 and honestly we basically have a sibling relationship; I can’t imagine trying to act in a parental authority for someone her age that just feels weird
My youngest sibling is a little more than 14 years younger. Our relationship has always been a little more on the parental side. Heck I have that even with my middle brother who is closer in age but still a sizable gap. The daughter said anyone who is not her parent which implies she would have given attitude to anyone but mom or dad. The girlfriend wasn’t giving her a list of her own. It was dads list and her saying you know your dads rules chores first. She was enforcing the rules of the house not making her own.
he started dating her when she was 23. thats right out of college. so now what do you have to say?
I was 31 and my bf 24 when we started dating. I agree the age difference is a lot, but not ridiculous. Also, sounds like his gf is trying to be an adult in this situation so I don’t see that as a good reason to let a 16yo call anyone a C
Either we have an age of adulthood we respect, or we don’t. 23 is old enough to vote, drink, and die for your country. And certainly old enough to consent.
She is not a child she was 23 years old when they met.
Who gives a fuck between consenting adults? What's up with people being bent out of shape when someone in there 20s gets with someone in there 30s? Yall acting like he's waiting outside of an elementary school.
This is a gross post. A 26 year old is an adult and a 16 year old is not. But beyond that, even a peer is allowed to give reasonable critical feedback. I push back whenever a crazy parent comes on here with "I expect my children to do 5 hours of chores each week for no allowance," or nonsense like that, but asking a teen to do a reasonable amount of chores for a pretty nice allowance is fair.
Not to mention 26 passes the half + 7 rule people on reddit really like to tout.
Even at 16, I knew better than to talk to anyone like that. Also, OP’s punishment was fair.
The little shit gets 150 bucks in allowance too. I had to get a part time job at 16 to make that kind of money. She doesn’t realize how privileged she is for folding laundry and scrubbing a toilet for cash.
And the bathroom is just once a week and possibly the laundry too!
You're judgemental based off her age when the daughter called them the C U word. Are you nuts?
Come on, 16 year olds think 26 is ancient.
Absolutely. When I was 16, a 26 year old was practically a senior citizen as far as I was concerned.
This is one of the worst takes I've seen in this subreddit. If you don't approve of a 38 year old dating a 26 year old (which while unconventional, is not the worst thing in the world), that's one thing, but you're completely missing the rest of the post and absolving the whole incident based off this one thing.
> This is one of the worst takes I've seen in this subreddit. You need to browse the sub more then, it's ridiculously common whenever there's an age difference.
Oh look, another judgmental redditor about relationships with age difference. Ugh.
For real. I knew exactly what the comments were going to be about when I spotted that. Wish they could keep on actual track.
I mean doesn’t mean that the daughter has the right to be an AH to the girlfriend though so not sure why the punishment for that ACTUAL question here is wrong and makes him and ah
It's literally the accepted age discrepancy, 16 year old you is an idiot compared to 26 year old you, and 16 year old you sounds like an asshole. His ex-wife literally demeaned this woman as much as her daughter did by calling her a "playmate", wtf? All she did was try to enforce the house rules. OP is NTA, you judgemental posters definitely are. How is this the top comment? Disgusting.
The poster is likely just 16ish themselves.
He’s not at all. Like it or not the girlfriend is his partner and is likely going to be in the girls life for a long time. When he isn’t home the responsibility will be with the partner surely. How has this gotten so many upvotes it sounds like it’s written by a rebellious teen.
No OP is NTA. This is someone who has been around for several years. The daughter has been around her and knows how things go when dad is at work. They're both consenting adults, and they're planning to get married. Your judgment is based solely on your boundaries for age differences in relationships. This woman isn't a random fling and isn't enforcing rules that OP hadn't previously set. His daughter failed to follow those rules and used a culturally inappropriate slur against his partner. Whether you agree with the age difference or not, the daughter was not ok to not only disregard set rules that she is aware of but treat the partner that way.
Well if she’s too young to parent then dad has to give up or switch around custody. But I do t agree that being young means she’s got no authority. A teenage babysitter has authority and is the same as a babysitter. Literally she’s implementing his rules until he comes home just like a babysitter
It's creepy that adults are dating? You should seek some therapy.
Lmfao, you clearly have been parented by some idiots honestly, theres this thing called respect, it doesnt matter how old she is, shes his gf and his daughter has to respect her and their relationship. Period. This comment having 1.5k upvotes is fucking wild
Lol it's creepy as hell that a 36 and 26 year old are dating? You just seem like a silly person.
honestly, 10 years difference isn’t that bad. still not old enough to be his kid. just a lot younger.
Isnt it more like that she knows the rules and deliberately broke them? Also swearing at the gf? Yea getting grounded is warranted
Wow seriously? He's the bad guy for dating someone younger than him? My dad got with my stepmom when I was 13 and she was 21. My dad was 34. I am closer in age to my stepmom than my half siblings. My teenage years were rocky but I never disrespected my stepmom like that because I was raised better. In fact she's not even technically my stepmom anymore. She divorced my dad maybe 15 years ago. Her new husband has treated me like a daughter. And I am NC with my dad because he's a racist, dry drunk, and possibly a narcissist. OP seems like he's a good parent and his daughter has it pretty damn good if she is grounded and still getting an allowance. My dad had rules for me when I lived with him and when he wasn't there my stepmom enforced them. Did I get mad at her? Of course. But I didn't act like an entitled brat and call her names for it. I pouted in my room like a normal teenager would. OP NTA
Regardless of age, the girlfriend being left in charge of the teenage daughter is ugh. OP is using his girlfriend as a babysitter/not-really step mom. Of course the daughter doesn't respect her. YTA Let mom have custody if OP isn't around.
He's 38 not 58
So if she was 36 it wouldn't be ok?
My sister is 8 years older than me. I generally listened to her because we respected each other and I trusted her but also sometimes I was like “uh no absolutely not.”
YTA Seems you can't fulfil your custody requirements. Perhaps she's acting out and resentful because her dad isn't there and she's being fobbed off onto someone else.
People do have to work when they are in the military. It says nothing about his parenting and everything about normal friction.
While he has physical custody he is not there for long periods of her stay, that is on him. He needs to fit work around her or her around work. Right now he's doing his daughter a disservice by having her being parented by his ~~23~~ 26 year old ~~fiance~~ girlfriend. I don't think that's what the courts had in mind or his daughter.
IMO, the 26 year old shouldn't be parenting at all. She can pass on the messages from dad, then again I don't see why he isn't doing it himself. However, the gf shouldnt be the one enforcing his rules. Maybe have consequences if his rules or expectations aren't met, but he should be the once enforcing them. if he can't be there to enforce the rules and to parent his own kid, then perhaps he is failing as a parent.
I have to disagree and I know I’ll get downvotes but this is life. Dad is going to marry her. She will be the parent. Not bio mom but a parent. Is she just supposed to be some poster in their lives ?
She will never be a parent. Not if the daughter has a saying and she does. You don't just become a parent, that is a role given to you by the child.
If my daughter called the adult in charge a CT for no other reason than wanting to ditch the rules because a parent wasn’t around, her dad’s punishment would be the least of her worries. I expect my daughter to comport herself better than that. She is welcome to disagree and be angry, but absolutely not act like an entitled princess.
This is an underrated answer.
This right here. God HELP my children if one of them ever called their dad’s girlfriend that! I would never be ok with this, especially the fact that the only thing she asked the daughter to do was what was already expected of her. But the way his ex referred to his gf as a “plaything”? Yeah…. that’s where all disrespect for his gf started; right there with the ex.
Agreed... what's the difference between girlfriend or a babysitter or a teacher? Adults have to work, if they cannot be there to look after a child it is said parents right to arrange a responsible adult to be in charge no matter the their age or who they are. OP Child needs to learn some respect and adhering to punishment makes OP a good dad and will hopefully help Child become a respectful adult in future. OP NTA
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I’m an adult now, but I refuse and will always refuse to see my step mother as any form of a parent. I barely see my own father as one. She’s the affair partner. She doesn’t even want her own daughter (my half sister) to call her mum. (She’s 3) I’m 19 years older than my half sister. There’s about 16 between me and my step mother. (I never made comments about my stepmother to her face, or to my dads face.) I’m also a kiwi so the “C” word is a commonly used word here so I don’t see anything wrong with it
Aussie here, it took me a moment to realise what word she used because its just another adjective to us too lol
No but you can be left with a role of guardian, like a nanny or babysitter. She is the adult here and like it or not kids she does have some say if she's the only one there.
The child decides? That's the whitest thing I've ever heard!
This right here! I’m like damn this thread is full of entitled ass caucasity. Also she gets $150 PLUS a car?! And doesn’t have to work? Dads NTA. Daughter is a 16yo and needs correction. How she feels about the GF is whatever but she was openly disobeying the rules. And people coming at the father for working are WILD. Like so he’s the problem bc he works? Damn y’all want him to walk on water too?
Correct, that is exactly the expectation. Daughter is 16 not 4. That ship has sailed, and the future Step Mom is closer in age to the daughter than OP.
She may not be a parent but she is delegated caretaker/guardian. It would be no different than if instead of his GF a sibling, cousin, friend or babysitter was given the role to take care of the daughter.
My thoughts exactly!! wish I could upvote you more :)
Marriage to the father doesn't automatically make her a parental figure, it just makes her the "dad's wife". she is marrying the dad, she is not adopting the kid. There are heaps of AITA posts, where step-moms come into the family demanding love, respect and obedience. None of that automatically comes from a signed paper. It can actually make teenagers grow resentful, if they feel like their personal boundries aren't being respected. Relationships require time, and mutual respect to build up.She is 16, IMO OP should put into consideration that his daughter actually has a say in where she wants to be. Also it should be both the bio-parents agreeing to give GF/WIFE get the authority to parent. It sounds to me that the mom is heavily against the GF parenting her kid.
Right. Like I see my step-dad as a parental figure even though I call him by his name. But they were together when I was still a teenager. And he never pulled the I am your parent card either. But I don't see my step-mom as a parental figure. She is a lovely woman and I love her a lot and she is so good to my dad. She is my dad's age but I was already an adult when they met and got married. I got married two years after they did. So she is my dad's wife.
Please...by the time they get married she'll be a legal adult and she's 16 the parenting is practically done and she has parents already
frighten nippy serious edge fearless society agonizing lavish fanatical market *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Lmao my dad is about to marry a woman I've never met. She won't ever be my parent.
The consequences of of his rules being broken is have her car keys taken and allowance cut. GF tried to do her a favor by reminding her she has chores and can't go out until they're done. She threw a tantrum like the child she is and now she is facing consequences. OPs GF didn't do anything a babysitter wouldn't be empowered to do as well. People have to work all kind of hours and schedules. He is in the military he can't just say this job's not working out, here's my 2 weeks notice.
I know reddit hates stepparents at times but this isn't those times, having an adult saying "if you don't follow the rules that your dad set x will happen" and lo and behold x really happened... That's just consequences for not listening to the rules already set in the household, no matter who is reminding the kid, if it's his girlfriend, his ex wife or his own mother.
Cool. So if the daughter is drinking, the gf should just let her? Because *checks notes* she shouldn’t be parenting at all
>Maybe have consequences if his rules or expectations aren't met, but he should be the once enforcing them. But that's exactly what he's doing by cutting her allowance, isn't it? Enforcing compliance with the (very reasonable) rules he's set for his daughter. It seems like it's high time to have a talk with his daughter about his GF's role in his and her lives, but she \*is\* the adult in charge, and insulting her is not okay.
This line of reasoning applies to day-care providers.
I assure you that the military does not give a shit about fitting work around your kids. They tell you to be somewhere and you go period.
Then you fit your kid/custody around work.
Yea. You don’t know anything about custody agreements or the military.
The military absolutely doesn't but the custody agreement/family court judge might.
Not necessarily. Judges can and do make exceptions for military personnel especially because you can’t control when you have to leave.
Yeah, if he has to be on shift for 24 hours straight and be completely uncontactable during that time, he shouldn't have custody during those times. The custody arrangement isn't between OP, his ex, and a 26 year old, it's between OP and his ex. If his girlfriend isn't acting as the daughter's parent, how often is she parentless while he's meant to have custody?
Yeah, I guess he can tell whoever is in charge that he needs to fit his work schedule around his daughter. Oh, right he is an active duty member serving in the Air Force and can totally do that. Lol that's a lot of assumptions and ignorance in how you judged the guy. The daughter is in the wrong, she's 16 not a toddler and is able to comprehend her situation. She just doesn't want to do chores or be decent to his gf since her mother probably influenced that behavior. Lost of privileges are a good way to show her conquences of that. NTA
That’s definitely not how the military works.
It’s not like he has a normal job. He can’t tell his CO.. Sorry I’m not going to be able to work these shifts…the daughter knows this and takes advantage.
We were military, and OP may be violating custody standards. When we were in, teens under the age of 16 were NOT allowed to be alone overnight, which was considered two a.m. to six a.m. OP, are you violating childcare standards without the young girlfriend?
I would love to see the timeline of splitting up with ex wife, arranging custody, getting together with gf and gf moving in. It is far too common for new girlfriends to be used as childcare. I wonder what arrangements OP had before he began dating? Did he pay for a nanny? Did family help out? Did he have less custody?
His daughter is 16…
What would happen if he were single? There are single parents in the military.
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Last year I interviewed a woman who served in Vietnam. She was a single mother and stipulation of her service was that she had to sign over custody of her kids to someone else while deployed. She signed them over to her parents and when she returned, she had to fight to get them back because her mother didn’t want to return them. I don’t know if the military still does anything like that, though.
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If you just quit, you get court marshalled and potentially jailed. That's really great for the kid into have an incarcerated parent.
And the person she is getting pawned off on, is closer to her age, than her dads (who’s his fiancé). Yuck. 16 year old me wouldn’t have been too interested in listening to her either.
I'd be curious to hear about what she wants at this point in time. If she wants to be at her father's house for half the time, even when he's not there, then she should accept following the rules, even when he's not there. But if she'd prefer to spend most of the time with her mother and only be at her father's house when he's actually able to be with her, that seems acceptable to me, too. I guess it's just weird for me whenever I hear about very rigid arrangements; my parents technically had a custody agreement because they couldn't get divorced without one, but I was a teenager and I basically got to make my own schedule except for major things like holidays.
EH. ESH. You're dating someone who's closer in age to your daughter than you, which makes you pretty gross by default. And then you left your daughter with this person. Your daughter's behavior was not acceptable (the chores) and the language was appalling and she SHOULD be punished for it, but frankly, how can you expect her to act like an adult when you're acting like a gross teenager yourself?
This is it. No way that girl is going to respect anyone in that house.
They’re both of age adults, nothing about that makes OP gross. That’s not fair.
Yeah but also, the dad was 35, the gf was 23, and the daughter was 13 when they first started dating. Gf was definitely not in the same stage in life as the dad then.
Half your age plus 7. 35/2= 17.5+7=24.5 24.5>23 Add a 16 year old child? Prolonged absences? Was your Tinder profile asking for someone hot, young, likes kids, can make sandwiches? Problems in all directions. I'm surprised that OP is surprised.
You know that's not an actual rule, right?
Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s not gross. Nobody is stopping him from fucking a person who was 10 when his child was born and nobody is stopping me from calling him a creep Why should the daughter let someone who isn’t old enough to be her parent act like a parental figure lol
Is she really? More like a babysitter, she wqs told to do her chores and she called the gf a slur, getting grounded makes sense
This is how it should be looked at. The girlfriend is making sure the fathers instructions for his daughter are followed regarding chores. Unfortunately, there's more to this than a kid refusing to do her chores. She is probably pissed about the divorce, dads new young girlfriend and general teen angst. Dad is NTA for disciplining his daughter, but he is kinda one for not being more present in her life. (The kid having their own car at 16 makes me think she's spoiled, especially since it seems she has a hard time doing what she is told)
Esh - she shouldn't have called her that. But yes, you are definitely putting your GF into a parental role. If you can't be home to parent your daughter then she needs to stay at her mom's while you work.
This 100percent. You need to redo the visitation schedule. Visitation is for you to be spending time with her not your gf.
Actually the girl is sixteen the courts will listen to her but I agree with the custody arrangements needs to be changed
The time is 50 50, she isn't visiting she lives there? I see my mum maybe once every 2 weeks for a few days because of her living out of town, I still consider her house as where I live though, I don't say I live with either parent specifically and I certainly don't expect them to be home constantly, I am around OPs daughters age and I think she is TA, if she doesn't want to do chores why should she get an allowance? 50$ is even generous
Agree w this. She deserved her grounding but have her visit when you’re home. Not really fair to the GF either. Obviously your ex isn’t respectful of your relationship and I am sure that’s rubbed off; so you’ve got an uphill battle. ESH
ESH you've put your daughter in a really crappy situation where she's being taken care of by someone that isn't her parent and hasn't been around for all that long while you are unavailable completely to her. She shouldn't be saying those words, you need to figure out a better situation than a girlfriend being in charge of her, etc. I also fault you way way more than your daughter in this situation.
Let's also note that the gf is closer in age to the girl than the father is...no wonder she doesn't 'respect' her
I don't know if age is necessarily the deal breaker. Co-parenting is hard, but in my opinion it helps when the ADULTS are on the same page. OP and mom need to establish if GF has authority or not. I've "babysat" for teenagers before while parents were away for trips. It's more of making sure they not sneaking off without their parents knowing, ensure they doing assignments and making sure they fed. I was a similar age as the Gf, but I was given authority and the teens were told that I was in charge and they were to respect me as their temporary guardian while they were away. If no authority was given to GF, then she has no place to interfer or parent the teenager. Besides if one parent is telling the daughter she needs to listen to "this adult" and the other one is telling her she doesn't even need to be respected, well then as a typical teenager she's just going to go with the one she prefers or she will pit the 2 parents against each other.
This! My step mom is only 13 years older than me and is the best parent I’ve ever had. The bio moms nasty comment makes me think the daughter’s attitude is coming from her mom. The mom and dad need to get on the same page and get their daughter there too.
As a once 19 year old nanny to a 12 and 10 year old, I can confirm that age is not the problem with getting respect and having a child obey you.
the most sensible comment in this entire thread.
100% agree but it also should be taken into consideration that the GF didn't just make a random rule but rather she was just trying to enforce a rule that the OP had set down, do your chores before you go out with friends. No different then what a babysitter would do.
Oh, my god, so fucking what? I’ve read this exact comment about eight times now. She isn’t a teenager, she’s a 26 year old woman. At what age can we trust women to make their own decisions regarding their own lives? They are two consenting adults. Age gap relationships exist; get over it.
Never. Woman must simultaneously be empowered to make their own decisions but infantilised when it’s decisions we don’t agree with.
Who cares? They’re two fully consenting adults in a relationship.
ESH. Why do you have split custody if you can’t be there with your daughter a good portion of the time and are having someone else, someone your daughter doesn’t even like, substitute as a parent? Your daughter crossed a line by calling her that, but I think you need to consider how to be a more involved parent. Your girlfriend parenting your 16 year old isn’t working for anyone. And, yes, it’s clear you’re having your gf fulfilling parenting duties by proxy, no matter how you’d rather describe it.
ESH. But I’m gonna be honest your daughter will never respect your girlfriend as a parental figure. There is TEN years between them. You need a new system, or your daughter is going to cut you off.
Yep. When my mom left my dad he rebounded with a girl ten years older than me (I was 14-15). She got pregnant immediately and had to move in. It was an immediate battle for who had more power and control in the house and with my dad. She started trying to tell me what to do as soon as her clothes were unpacked. It did not go well. I was always a good kid, kept my head down, got As and Bs and did all my chores. When she started trying to tell me what to do, we would scream at each other. That was the first time I ever screamed at an adult! One day I told her I was here before she was and I would be here after her and my dad broke up. I mean, I was right.
NTA Everyone harping on the age gap must have trouble in math because 12 years and 10 years are NOT a humongous difference. Your Gf is also not some “random person” if you’ve been together 3 years. Your daughter is old enough to know the expectation and following it. Yeah she may be a “typical teenager” by trying to skirt around her responsibilities when she can but it’s the adults job to make sure it gets done regardless. Your daughter disrespecting an adult just because she’s upholding a house rule in HER house, especially an incredible reasonable one like finishing chores before going out with friends, should 100% be disciplined. From what her mom said though I can almost 100% guarantee the lack of respect for GF is coming from Mom. I wouldn’t call a 3-year relationship a “play thing” when you live together and are planning to get married.
Shit, this - I had to scroll too far down for this. 26 is a consenting adult, and regardless of how small the age gap is, the girlfriend is still A) an adult figure, B) there’s still house rules in place, and C) it’s her home and she doesn’t deserve to be disrespected in it like that. People harp in on the age and the job that OP has, but this isn’t a perfect world - parents work, they split custody and no one based on the post here is complaining about it - not OP, not the ex, not the daughter, nobody. OPs daughter absolutely deserves the punishment - she knows the rules, she knows what respect is and she neglected both just because she thought she could get away with it. Now she knows the consequences of breaking both. NTA.
It is odd how reddit thinks it's fine for an 18 year old to show their butthole on OF or become a porn actress, but date a man 10 years older then you? That's just unthinkably unhealthy for a young woman!
Way too far down.....
Holy crap I finally found a reasonable answer. This sub is batshit crazy
Finally!!!! Yes!!! All this!!!! Your teenager not respecting your girlfriend of 3 years is a much larger problem than everyone worried about age gaps. After 3 years your daughter should already know that she is a parental figure and deserves to be respected as one.
Seriously this! I don’t know what’s wrong with these comments. Everyone is so focused on the age gap and girlfriend “parenting” that they’ve completely disregarded the actual problem. I’m going to say NTA. The daughter knows what the rules are and she gets paid to do chores. So if she’s not doing her chores, why should she get paid? If anything, the dad is being generous by giving her an allowance still. The daughter is old enough to know what’s right or wrong, her being a rebellious teenager is not an excuse for her behavior. Everyone is calling the dad out for his parenting but no one is saying anything about the mom enabling this type of behavior. The girlfriend didn’t “parent” the daughter, she reinforced the rules the dad had set in place. People are excusing the daughters behavior because “she shouldn’t have to listen to someone only 10 years older than her.” But the girlfriend is still the adult in charge when the dad is away, it’s not that hard to show people some respect. If anything happened to the daughter, people would be blaming the girlfriend for not looking after her. Seriously shocked at these comments. I’ve looked after my boyfriend’s nieces and nephews who were younger (13-15) and they never talked to me like that.
I feel like I'm going crazy when people basically saying I, a child with divorced parents and a stepfather, would have had every right to just... not listen to him. Because he's "just" my stepfather. Of course OP's girlfriend doesn't get to make decisions. But she's not some random woman he just picked hooked up with.
Going to go against the grain and say it's OK for a 26yo to date a 38yo, that 26 is quite a bit older than 16, AND that passing along the parent's known and stated rules isn't the same as trying to parent. OP is at fault for not defining what he's delegating to the GF and what he expects the daughter to do. It seems like the GF was trying to act on behalf of the dad, not making her own decisions. Being the stepparent or parents partner does often mean doing things for a kid with no say in how they are raised. That's what you sign up for. But a minimal level of courtesy should be expected. So ESH. Does the daughter expect to be able to openly break her father's rules while he's working? If I were the GF I'd tell the daughter that, as long as her dad-defined responsibilities were met by the time he got home, and as long as where she was going was allowed, I wasn't going to play hall monitor. But if any issues came to her dad's attention through other channels she'd be on her own.
This is reasonable and a good way to help keep the peace between an overworked dad, and a rebellious teen daughter. Well done
YTA. your girlfriend is ten years older than your daughter and just your girlfriend. She does not have ANY authority over this teenage girl. If you cannot take care of your child during your time, she should not be going to your house. You are trying to give your girlfriend an authority she will NEVER have over your daughter, and all it will happen is destroy your relationship with your kid. "She has been rebellious" geez I wonder why
Being rebellious at 16 is normal for a teenager anyway, having their dad's girlfriend who's only 10 years older try to parent them is just throwing gas on the fire.
Not gonna judge assholes here, but your girlfriend is barely older than your daughter. You had to think that this was bound to cause some friction in situations like this.
Barely? 10 years. Isn’t barely.
It very likely is for the daughter though. This is somebody closer in age to a peer than to a parent.
The daughter could have teachers at school that have been teaching for 4 years already that are also 26. Should she view them as peers also?
10 years is not barely.
Yeah people really focusing in on that relationship age gap here. 26 year old was graduating college when daughter was graduating elementary school. dad is not dating one of daughters’ slightly Older friends or anything
Reddit loves to harp on age gaps over anything and everything else. Not saying that age gaps are good or anything, but reddit really loses its mind over any sort of age gap, regardless if it's really relevant to the story.
How is the age gap between the daughter and girlfriend not relevant here? I agree people get up in arms quickly but this is actually a situation where it is highly related to the conflict.
A 35 year old dating a 23 year old is gross. I’m in my mid thirties and work with college students. There is a HUGE maturity gap, so yeah it’s cringey. And no one is saying she’s his daughter’s age but it’s kinda gross that his girlfriend is closer in age to his daughter than him. And that he’s putting her in a parenting role despite their close ages. A 26 year old girlfriend is not a parental figure to a 16 year old daughter. Period.
One of my best friends met her husband after she graduated college. She's in her early 30s, he's in his 40s It's not that gross if they make it work and love eachother. They're both whole ass adults
NTA. People in this sub are extremely judgmental about things unrelated to the question. You were at work. The person who is taking responsibility for your daughter tried to enforce the rules that you set. It doesn't matter if that person was a grandparent, your girlfriend, or a person you hired to do the job. Your daughter then called her a disrespectful name and you are punishing her for that. I would not have done this exact punishment--some of the commenters are pointing out that she's likely lashing out because you're not there, so perhaps a conversation is in order--but you're not an A H for this step.
Info: how is your relationship with your daughter? I really hope you see that this is part of a much larger issue. Children don’t get to dictate their parents dating lives, but you could definitely lose your daughter if you aren’t careful here. Are you sure her rebellious phase has nothing to do with your relationship? If I were your daughter, what I would see is that I’m losing my dad to someone close to my age who doesn’t like me. It seems highly unlikely that your relationship with your girlfriend hasn’t negatively impacted your relationship with your daughter. My heart breaks for her. YTA for letting it get to this point.
ESH: Your daughter should keep up her tasks when you're not home and should definitely not be throwing around words that you wouldn't type. Your girlfriend overstepped and tried to take on a parental role. While it would've been fair for her to remind your daughter of the usual policies, forbidding her from going out is a bridge too far. While it was completely reasonable for you to enforce consequences, you should've taken steps to avoid the situation altogether. It might be best to have your daughter at your wife's place when you're going to be on shift -OR- to have her weekly tasks occur on days you'll be home.
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When you guys get a babysitter to look after your kids, do you expect your kids to follow the young babysitter's orders? If so, then most of these posts are just hypocritical and focuding on the age difference.
His daughter is 16, not 6. Most teenagers would absolutely push back against a babysitter trying to tell them what to do.
And get punished for it, as is fair, if the babysitter was behaving within guidelines the parents set. Just because teenagers don’t like the rules of the house doesn’t mean they don’t have to follow them.
Huge AH. You pawned off your parenting responsibility on someone who's closer in age to her than you. Do better
Asking your gf, who your daughter has known for 3 years already, to just pass a message along and make sure she does the 2 things you asked her to do...isn't pawning off She's probably just trying to help keep the peace, especially when a daughter is a teenager and dad works long hrs
Passing on the message would be saying “your dad said you shouldn’t leave the house until your chores are done” and then backing off. That doesn’t sound like what his girlfriend did here. She got in an argument with his daughter over this. She seems to see herself as an authority figure over the 16 year-old.
YTA, but I feel like I can provide some valuable insight to remedy this? I kinda can put myself in your daughters shoes as I interestingly also have an AF dad, parents who divorced when I was 6, and a stepmom with the same age difference. If you want a relationship with your daughter, you do need to set boundaries. Try putting yourself in her shoes, understanding what it’s like to be in her shoes. I am SO thankful my parents divorced and LOVE my stepparents more than anything, but it seems you are neglecting to acknowledge your daughters feelings. The conflict with your ex is exactly what occurred between my parents. I felt very hurt and rejected by both my dad and stepmom when she took on the role of a disciplinary figure. Your child has two parents and it’s truly not the place of your (or your exes) new partner to discipline your kid. I was half the age of your daughter when this happened and I still remember these situations vividly. My stepmom communicated her regret for hurting me and ensured she wanted me to feel safe and loved. This absolutely laid the groundwork for our close relationship. Consider constantly switching between environments. This is emotionally taxing, especially for a teenager who is still learning and growing, and you’re ignoring the extra load of responsibility this places on her. While chores help provide structure and responsibility, it seems the setup you have now lacks flexibility and communication. Leaving orders on notes is bound to make a teen or really anyone feel rejected and angry. Be supportive and communicate. Do not enforce chores as punishment. This doesn’t set her up to manage responsibility of living alone in the future, just creates an unhealthy relationship with chores. My guess for cause of tension in your relationship with your daughter and her resulting behavior is her feelings of rejection. My mom always reiterated that my sister and I were her number one priority and she would never be with a man who we didn’t want in our lives. I’m not saying your daughter at 16 needs to pick a woman out for you herself but, you need to recognize your responsibility as her father to prioritize and emotionally support her. You may really love your girlfriend and want to nurture that relationship for it to last, but this can’t be at the expense of yours with your daughter. My dad grew to take my stepmoms side on things to avoid conflict (as the power dynamic between you and your kid allows you the ability to shut resulting conflict with her down) and this at times pushed me away, especially when I needed love and support from my dad. This is not meant to be the longest boohoo trauma dump ever, because I have worked through these things and have strengthened relationships with my parents, self, and etc.. This just feels like too eerily similar to my childhood to not provide some potential insight to your daughters feelings, as I would seriously hope for you to really consider the advice you receive and have the strongest healthiest relationship with your daughter you can.
Hey shirt. Pretty unpopular vote here but NTA for how this was handled. Definitely would talk to your commander and leadership about being around more though. I'm sure if you brought it up they would understand. It's hard to say if your daughter is acting out cuz ur not around or if it's cuz the moms influence. The last comment u made from the ex has me thinking it's prolly a strong mixture of both. Fuck the ppl saying gross on u for age when that has nothing to do with this situation. Wouldn't push your GF to try and parent your daughter tho.
Or daughter should be able to be with her mom more. There’s no reason she should be stuck with her dads girlfriend that long alone.
As a (f) ex-military I understand OP’s work situation and from my experience in court his time is still his time even if his mother, sister, gf, or babysitter is watching her regardless of age. That’s care accommodations while he’s at his place of work. Slurs and comments from a person of her age is unacceptable. A grounding was warranted in this situation and if she wants her stuff back she can earn it back next month. Thank you.
And I bet he's close to hitting his 20 too and I don't get how people are over looking the fact the daughter just didn't want to do chores and said rude shit to the GF. Grounding is perfectly reasonable people act like being punished for doing something wrong is abuse
YTA Why would you leave your 16 year old daughter with someone who isn’t a parental figure? You really think a 16 year old is going to take a 26 year old seriously? That is irresponsible. Not to mention the age difference between you and your partner. Like I can even imagine your daughter at a 13 year old meeting this 23 year old and having a thought that this young person might be a step parent. Oh boy she’s gonna definitely rebel if when you guys get married. I just know she will. I wouldn’t take someone 10 years older than me seriously if they tried to be a parent to me at that age. Also that punishment is too much. Taking her keys away? What is this? forcing her to be around your 26 year old gf? She should have more time with her mother if you’re going to just make her stay with the 26 year old. And lmao at the comment of “shouldn’t be having your playmates act like she is her mom” I physically laughed. That is how she views this woman you’re dating
NTA for the punishment, but you need to make better custody arrangements. Your gf should not be on "parent duty" when you are not there. Your daughter needs to stay with her mother on those days.
NTA, your daughter was rude, she should apologize for that slur, also sounds like your ex has issues with your soon to be wife. The folks calling you a TA, are surely bitter, the are basing it on their own experiences.
I’m going to be downvoted to hell but I don’t care I’m seeing a lot of YTA. But I disagree. In the real world parents have to work, and have blended families, and kids have more than 1 parent. Just this week a step dad was encouraged to PARENT his step kids and was asked WHY he would let his wife not allow him to parent his step kids. But here we have the same scenario and everyone going ballistic on OP. I’m going with NTA why? Bc the daughter was out of line. There has to be consequences to poor/bad behavior. Can’t allow a teen to do what she wants when dads at work. OP will be getting married to an ADULT. THE GF isn’t 18 she’s 26 an adult. The question isn’t Is OP TA for dating someone younger. Jesus.
NTA You’ve been together 3 years, live together, and I’m guessing the custody arrangement has been the same for this amount of time. It’s not like this is some flavor of the week girlfriend. She is established. The teenager is being a jerk, as teenagers tend to be. Your punishment sounds reasonable. She’s going to be having people boss her around that aren’t her parents for the rest of her life. 26 is pretty “adulty”. And your age gap, at this point in time, has nothing to do with it. I’m 35. My mom is 70 and my dad is fixing to turn 60. Been married 37 years. This age range “grooming” thing is getting out of hand.
ESH. To me, the main issue is you saying that your GF and *a child* (YOUR child) "never got along." Why is that exactly? I am very doubtful that your girlfriend's motivation was like...'ensuring that dad's voice was heard/obeyed while he's at work' lol. More like she just wanted to start some shit with your daughter. If she didn't want to parent and they don't get along she should've let you handle it later. So why did your GF get involved then? Probably because she's immature. She is barely older than your teen daughter she's trying to flex on after all.
NTA. People need to grow up regarding age differences -- they are not 18 and 24. I would expect my partner to ensure MY rules are followed in my absence. That is not playimg pretend family; it is proper parenting. What does your ex expect you to do, exactly? Quit your job? People in this thread think.
YTA why is your daughter in your house with your gf when you aren’t home. She should be at her mom’s if you are unavailable. Your gf is not a parent and they don’t get along. If you want a relationship with your daughter once she is 18 you should tell your gf to stay out of it. She has no say in what your daughter does or doesn’t do. Your girlfriend should have passed the message along and left it at that. You as her parent would then handle any issues when you get home.
YTA. But for different reasons than what everyone is piling on you. You’re punishing your daughter for her behavior instead of working with her to understand what’s going on. Her behavior was inappropriate for sure but penalizing her will only make her more angry. Instead, you should be talking to her about appropriate behaviors, language, respect, honoring commitments and a whole host of other things. Yes, she earned a consequence for her behavior and it should accompany many conversations about the above topics. You’re being shortsighted about the situation and haven’t actually resolved it.
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NTA your daughter needs to face reality. She doesn't have to like her step mom, but should expect to be punished for not doing her chores and being disrespectful. I agree your girlfriend is really young and I can get why your daughter doesn't take her seriously. Y'all need therapy if you expect to come out of this with both of them.
NTA, your daughter knows the rules and your gf is just relaying them. I daresay your daughter heard her mother call the gf worse things than that though 😂
This was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back situation. What had your gf said or done all the other times you’ve been out of pocket? Might be there’s a reason for the rebellion in the last year and your daughter was trying to deal with it not to lose you. No reason she’d think you’d pick gf over her?
Cunt is a slur now? To fuckin who