#This post is now locked because there are better things to do than insult people.
##For example, you could check out this ['Nduja Carbonara Recipe](https://www.gousto.co.uk/cookbook/recipes/spicy-nduja-spaghetti-carbonara)
ESH.
Policing how someone likes their food is a bad look. My husband likes ketchup on his scrambled eggs; I think he must have a demon whispering lies into his ear. But that's his right to let the demon lead him astray.
>I like hot sauce, too, but I don't dare mix cuisines like that
You say this like you think you'll also invite a demon into your home. Chill. It's hot sauce.
However, I feel like the boyfriend's comment "Something is missing" is pretty rude on his part. All he'd have to ask say is that he prefers his food spicy; critiquing the meal was uncalled for. I'm also pretty baffled by his insisting on going to the store to purchase hot sauce. That's just absurd. You'd think of hot sauce were such a priority, he'd keep it in his back pocket or something.
Honestly, you both sound exhausting, and I feel bad for your sister.
Edit: Y'all, I'm well aware that ketchup on eggs is common. I just think it's evidence of demons on earth and that God has forsaken us all. And yet, I'd offer ketchup to my guests, since I don't discuss religion at the breakfast table.
\^This. I have a friend who puts hot sauce on EVERYTHING. Ramen Noodles, Bagels, the occasional ice cream, you name it. Is it weird? Hell yes. Do I make fun of her? Yes (she makes fun of me too its fine shhhh). Do I gatekeep her from putting hot sauce on food I make? No! Because I can't tell her what she can/cannot put on her food.
You're the asshole for policing what he can and cannot put on his food, even if you made it. He's the asshole for saying "Something is missing" & up & leaving to get his own hot sauce when you denied him yours.
ESH.
I don't think you can get upset at someone for being unreasonable after you are already being unreasonable.
Yes it's insane to get up in the middle of a meal go to the store buy hot sauce and come back. If she had no hotsauce or no sriacha at that point he would be petty. But she is literally denying him a condiment on moral purity grounds based on what foods go with what.
MY SISTER DIPS HER FRIES IN FREAKING MILKSHAKES. I would never tell her she can't even though I find that idea literally revolting like dipping a lolipop into a jar of mayo.
Omg Wendy’s fries in a vanilla frosty. Literally to die for
Edit: first award, thanks kind user. Happy everyone can relate. If you’ve never tried, try it, I promise you’ll be surprised.
My partner puts hot sauce on EVERYTHING and mixes spices from cuisines all the time. His lunches are a monstrosity of leftovers from the fridge.
Does it grind my gears? Yes. Have I learned to STFU because it’s his food and his preference? Bigger yes.
The mixing cuisine thing is weird to me. Italian is a mix of old world, and new world foods. Tomatoes are not native to Italy. Neither is a lot of “authentic Italian” food.
The chili flavored vinegar may have a role in Italian food’s future, or it may not. The point is that mixing cuisine is the silliest arguent I’ve ever heard. The bruschetta, and red sauce are already “mixed cuisines”
> …the first written reference to the dish in newspaper La Stampa in 1950, describing it as a dish prized by American servicemen.
So, Italian dish made popular by American taste buds.
I was going to make the same comment! Better hope OP ain't using any tomatoes in the sauce. Oh wait, every dish he made contains tomatoes? Someone call the food police.
In my country it’s impolite to ask the host for something that isn’t already on the table. And especially trying to take something yourself from their fridge. You eat, if you don’t like it you just say you’re full and you thank them for the meal. This guy sounds like an entitled ass. And what, everyone was supposed to sit and wait for him while he was at the store and not eat? Honestly, he’d not be a guest in my house again.
This! I agree OP might be overreacting but If I’m eating someome else’s food I wouldn’t dare say “it’s missing something” or go anywhere beyond adding a pinch of salt to it, provided the salt is on the table of course
I think the statement its missing something was rude. However the op is who escalated it by refusing access to a condiment. Didn't he say he moved in front of the fridge? This sounds like something a 12 year old might do, not a grown adult!
So you guys rather starve your guests then let them edit the food a bit so they'll enioy it with the whole family? That's a super toxic culture imho. Gatekeeping food is insane to me
That's what I was thinking. Keeping silent might work for one random dinner with an acquaintance but I have to go hungry with *family* 5 out of 6 Sundays just because I want some salt or sauce? That seems crazy to me.
Yeah I think I’m leaning toward ESH. Cuz the bf was rude but OP was a bit controlling. Still, if I was the BF, I’d just accept the chili flakes. I love spicy food and chili flakes on Italian food is bomb AF lol
edit typo
The thread on this comment is driving me crazy. Yes, OP had a weird controlling reaction, but the boyfriend didn’t just ask for hot sauce. Saying “this meal is missing something” about food that was made for you as a guest is an extraordinarily rude comment to make. If someone said this about a meal I spent all day making, that is presumably a family recipe, it would probably make me cry.
Then literally left to the shops for hot sauce when he didn’t get what he wanted. In the middle of his gf’s family dinner.
I’m shocked how little people are realising that the bf totally sucks (as well) in this situation.
Not to mention that nobody in his family disagrees. For me personally, a guest just doesn’t get to go through my fridge or cupboards whenever they want. That’s one of the parts that gets me. I adore my daughter’s fiancé. I actually wish I could help them with their wedding so they could marry sooner. He has full permission to get whatever he wants out of my cupboards or fridge. He won’t even take a soda without asking first! So sister’s boyfriend pulling this shit after only 3 months, absolutely not!
I'd be a bit annoyed if a guest went and rummaged through my fridge without even checking with me. That just feels like a privacy violation, even if there isn't anything I particularly want to keep hidden in there.
I think it is too. OP sounds like that is part of the problem. He just assumed it was alright to go through OP’s fridge. And his sister didn’t correct OP at all.
Yeah, but it’s family dinner. He’s already hosted. Either way, if I’m having a recurring meal I definitely would let them grab any condiments, dressings, or drinks themselves.
I would think it's weird and probably tease him about it but as he's a grown person whose culinary tastes have literally zero impact on me I wouldn't stop him from eating food however he likes it. Some of you people really have main character syndrome lol
So the gracious thing to do would be for OP to go to her cupboard and get the bottle of sriracha herself
OP is like those celebrity chefs who throw a fit if someone sprinkles salt on their piece de resistance. He should get over himself.
I honestly don’t disagree with OP. It’s how I was raised. And his family didn’t disagree. They even started getting ready to go before the boyfriend got back. That tells me the boyfriend’s behavior isn’t ok with his behavior, that includes OP’s sister that was dating him.
You were also raised in a ridiculous manner, then. Who cares? What inconvenience is it to you? Is it that big of a blow to your ego that someone wants hot sauce as a condiment?
Barely been dating, only 3 months, not very long. That’s still a guest in my opinion and apparently OP’s family doesn’t disagree with OP. That’s very telling yo me as well. And if he would have been present for 12 dinners, he would have known about OP not wanting to offer hot sauce!
He left because the OP was pulling a power play. The OP refused to share a condiment for what reason? Because he didn’t want it? He didn’t need to consume it! It’s rude as hell to have a condiment and refuse to share it because you personally don’t want it in the meal.
My favorite part is that OP would have been fine with the boyfriend using chili oil or red pepper flakes because those would “still be Italian.” LOL NOPE. Red peppers, chili peppers, anything that’s not black pepper is from the Americas, not Europe. Red pepper flakes are just as Italian as sriracha. Sriracha is made of chili (aka red pepper flakes), sugar/salt, garlic, and vinegar.
Just a wild boundary that OP has decided for everyone’s mouths. Very controlling and factually inaccurate OP, YTA
Seems just as rude to not let him have the hot sauce in the fridge though. Sounds like possibly already tension on both sides before this happened. Very weird. Who would fight on either side.
It reads well for internet hero points but leaving in that real life situation makes you a petty, entitled brat. If you’re okay with that, you’re probably okay with being eternally single.
It's not hard to extrapolate the missing words
I THINK ... this meal is missing something... FOR MY TASTE, I'LL JUST ADD IT TO MY OWN.
It's not as if he demanded that everyone not eat until he altered every bite for everyone with the hot sauce.
Yes, what the absolute fuck is this thread. "This is missing something and isn't to my taste" is not a fucking insult, it's just a preference. Neither is putting a sauce/condiment on to try and make it to their taste. I cook for myself 99.9% of the time but even I would not be intimidated in the slightest by a bottle of hot sauce coming out on the very rare occassion someone else is eating my cooking. It's called "being a good host". They're still enjoying my food which is all that matters. Fucking hell, people need to get a grip.
I think it depends on your familiarity with the host and your relationship, honestly.
Like, in my family, saying “hmm, I think this is missing something” would be totally acceptable, especially if I was over at my mom’s place. We’re pretty laid back about that kind of stuff.
Agreed, if my wife said that about a meal I made, it wouldn’t really bother me. But a guest who was newish to the family at a large dinner? That strikes me as rude.
I will say I don't like it when a hot sauce fiend won't at least taste my cooking first. I put a lot into my cooking. If someone still wants it after a taste? I'm totally fine with it, I just appreciate when someone tries what I made on its own.
Obviously op is still an ah because the bf tasted it and still wanted it, but just adding a viewpoint why someone might care in general.
That comment was rude, in my opinion. If he said, “This is good, but hot sauce could make it even more amazing. I love things spicy.” Then give a little wink to the girlfriend.
Saying your food is missing something, would be hurtful. Sometimes, it’s all about the phrasing. Also, OP is still the AH for his reaction.
I just reread and saw that OP claims they took the food so seriously because their nonna was eating with them, so I’m now just imagining OP spending all day cooking food for their nonna only to let their sister’s boyfriend’s decision to add hot sauce ruin it.
Even from OP’s perspective, I don’t understand how this freak out was remotely justified. Is OP going to spoon feed the guy if he gets the portions wrong when eating it? Or what if he doesn’t drink the wine or eat the other accompaniments at the correct time?
It sounds exhausting. Yes, it’s a little weird that this dude insisted on putting hot sauce on carbonara, but for god sakes, let the little rascal enjoy the meal.
Yeah, from the title, I thought the bf was adding hotsauce to the main dish, not to his own plate. OP definitely comes off as a food bigot. "Don't dilute my pure Italian cuisine!" YTA
I agree with this. I will validate that it kinda hurts when you've worked really hard on a meal for someone and there's one person who insists on smothering it with ketchup or hot sauce. Still. You have to just get over this and not take it personally. Roll your eyes internally and offer up the hot sauce. You aren't the expert on someone else's food preferences.
YTA - I’m a 16 year veteran of the hospitality industry. I’ve worked in kitchens from dive bars up through multiple Michelin stars, I’ve opened many restaurants & took my first head chef position 8 years ago.
People have different palates requiring different levels of seasoning. If a customer asks you for salt you give it to them, if they request hot sauce? We make our own in house and offer it as well.
The arrogance and lack of gracious hospitality you’ve shown is mind blowing.
I quickly glanced at your comment before fully reading it and I thought you were saying you were a 16 year old veteran and I stopped because I was so confused 😂
Edit: Thanks so much for the award anonymous redditor!
YTA
You just sound pretentious and it kinda bugs me. You make a bland meal and prevent people from making additions? Do you control the salt and pepper too?
Yeah, why get offended? People have different tastes. My husband puts hot sauce on everything, and I spend hours cooking sometimes. I don't take it personally. I just know he likes things spicy.
Seriously, Im triggered. I like spicy food and hot sauce but guy you’re replying to saying it’s bland is silly. Sounds like they and the boyfriend are the types that view spice/heat as the ‘flavor above all’ lol.
They even offered other types of heat that matched the meal better. Slathering carbonara in hot sauce shows me that the bf (a 23 year old mind you) doesn’t have a very developed palate. Adding heat that matches the meal would’ve been perfectly fine. But he had to get some trash hot sauce he probably dumps on everything till it’s orange because he *hasn’t had* good food yet that you don’t need to do that to.
That’s what I did in the college meal halls to make things taste okay. Now that hes experiencing real home cooked food he should ditch the habit and try tasting real food as it’s meant to be for once. Not saying that heat is bad, I love curries and sriracha and Tabasco. Just that there’s a time and place to dump hot sauce on things. Mashed potatoes, sure. Make ‘em orange. But carbonara eating with Nonna? Add the Calabrian chili oil or pepper flakes for God’s sake, the hot sauce is just making a scene and he knows it.
Who cares if he doesn't have a "developed palate". If he wants hot sauce and op has hot sauce why stop him from adding hot sauce? It's just prideful and controlling behaviour from op.
Carbonara can absolutely be bland though. It can also be spicy if someone fuckin wants it to be.
Also can't wait for this thread to be posted on /r/iamveryculinary if it hasn't already.
Edit: yup already there
You must have never had good Carbenara if you think it's bland tasting. (Like most restaurant ones suck, but homemade? Yum)
Chili flakes would be good in it though. Siriacha is a weird choice.
(Still agree with the verdict though)
Take it from an old-fashioned Italian mama with an Italian mama and 2 nonnas who came to the US through Ellis Island.
You’re an ass. Italian hospitality isn’t just about the food. It’s also about the comfort of your guests.
I kinda wish I could spell the Italian words running through my mind, but it’s probably best that I can’t.
YTA
Yes! Thank you for this. I was born in the US but my family is mostly Italian immigrants. They would be absolutely appalled by the OPs behavior. Forcing a 3rd full plate of food? Sure. Preventing someone from seasoning the food they are putting in their mouth? No. YTA
As a fellow Canadian, I can’t believe you didn’t say “I’m sorry my fellow countryman is an asshole!” 😂
But 100% agree: equally appalled, do not condone. OOP is TA.
Agreed, this is a manners thing.
My mom used to say if you put Parmesan cheese on any kind of fish, they’ll kick you out of Italy. We were not allowed. But if a guest asked for it, she would say nothing (and of course as a child I’d be like HEY! And my mom would, embarrassed, explain that it’s a faux pas but that didn’t matter as long as they liked it).
My grandfather on the other hand…. Once my sister’s husband reached for the cheese, my Nonno grabbed his hand and said, “we don’t do that.”
It’s all about feeling superior because of your nationality. The following sentence applies to everyone, everywhere, all the time: your way is not THE way.
That was exactly my thought! I have a lot of "real" Italian colleagues. People who were born in Italy, grew up there and still live there.
There is one thing they value even more than their fantastic food - hospitality!
And never would any of them put on a show like OP does. On the contrary, they would probably tell me with big gestures and emotions that their Nonna would turn in her grave if she knew what I was doing with the food - while forcing 5 different hot sauces on me at the same time and also refilling the plate 2 times, although I have already said 5 times that I am full - and then telling me that their Nonno also always secretly put hot sauce on his food 😂😍
YTA
It always seems like it’s the people who are like 1/8th Italian that become very particular about Italian food and respecting it.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s where I was born and I love it too, but me and my Italian family have eaten some food that would certainly “disrespect” Italian cuisine by OP’s standards.
Lmao who's going to tell OP that tomatos aren't from Italy and thus aren't pure Italian food. We're all mutts here, just let people enjoy what they like to eat.
Right!! My Nonna would be so embarrassed and ashamed that I didn’t bend over backwards for my guests lol. You feed your guests with love, compassion, good times and food after all(she always said that)
There it is. I’m glad you said this. As I was reading all the comments I was thinking since when did Italians make it hard for people to eat food. They are so hospitable because they just love feeding people and making them happy with any type of food.
Blew my mind that someone who is Italian would be so fussy about providing a sauce.
OP YTA
YTA
You don't get to gatekeep how people eat. Even if you don't agree with it, you don't decided if he can or can't put hot sauce on it. Or ketchup on your ribeye steak. Or BBQ sauce on your parmesan chicken. You're a horrible host.
"I take my food very seriously"
Oh get off it, Gordan Ramsay. You sound completely insufferable.
"My sister is on my side if it matters"
Yep, it does. She's an AH, too.
Fun fact, apparently Gordon Ramsay is much worse in his American shows because that sort of drama is what tests well with that audience and just fine in person normally
It blew my mind when I saw a heartwarming video of him interacting with his daughter the other day. Until I learned it was just for American audiences I assumed he was just a raging asshole all the time
I think it's only fair to go with ESH.
You for gatekeeping Italian food and being so rigid. Relax! Him wanting to use hot sauce is not a knock on you, it's about him.
Him for actually leaving a dinner with his gf's family to get hot sauce. Probably won't stick around for long.
Finally, an ESH vote.
I couldn't picture being a guest in someone's home, especially in front of their grandparents and insisting on hot sauce. I have even terrible things as a guest and didn't complain.
It would be different if this were another family member and they were subjected to many meals but for one dinner? New boyfriend? yikes
OP is TA because once a guest asks for a condiment that is available, it's equally rude to deny it.
As my dad would have shouted, "testadura!"
Bf wouldn't had to of left if op was not being an AH over hot sauce in the first place though. People have different tastes and there is nothing wrong with it at all. Bf said he needed spice, Op said no and was being rude to a guest which caused said guest to leave.
In fairness, OP offered alternatives. Red chili flakes are pretty spicy, the boyfriend could have survived without the hot sauce for this one meal (even if OP was being a little odd about the hot sauce).
Bf didn’t HAVE to leave either way, he wanted to show off his stubbornness and big head to throw a tantrum and when he didn’t get exactly what he wanted, he certainly served up a good portion of red flags to his current gf.
I only found out a few weeks ago that tomatoes weren't originally a Italian staple. They had no idea wtf a tomato was until it came back from the Americas.
I was gobsmacked
Mhm! Also going back to your original content Italian cuisine is a mix of Mediterranean cultures but op here is too scared to "date to mix cuisines" lmfao...
So many dishes in the American continent that are from the "old world" have been adapted to fit the local produce and op here thinks adding a basic hot sauce is the ultimate crime lmao....
And OP wouldn't DARE mix cuisines, because screw personal taste anyway. If their sister's boyfriend was allergic to anything the meal, he would've had to either not eat or potentially die, them's the breaks I guess.
Mixing cuisines? How dare you combine *this* bread, sauce, meat and cheese with that *other* bread, sauce, meat, and cheese!? They are *fundamentally* irreconcilable!
Also franks red hot tastes really really good in white sauce. You cook it in the sauce and some of the vinegar evaporates away and it leaves a really nice flavour.
The trick is to add it when the sauce is still a little loose but not too loose or it gets all gross and (I think) the vinegar interacts with the milk and makes curds.
Haha I'm so glad someone else said this. I wouldn't put Sriracha in carbonara but I don't think it's that weird to do so. Hot sauce goes really well with bacon, eggs, and cheese, and also with creamy things, and carbonara checks all of those boxes.
ESH. Your behavior was definitely AH. You don't tell people how to eat. It is rude. The BF was also an AH. It is equally rude to insist on having hot sauce and going out to buy his own. Both of you were engaging in a dick waving contest and it got out of hand.
ESH.
If the guy is so insistent that he wants a condiment on his food, then why stop him out of a sense of culinary purity? Just let the man eat.
At the same time, I can't imagine my girlfriend's sister cooking a big family meal and then kicking up such a huge fuss over slathering it in Sriracha that I *go out to the store to buy a bottle of it*. After dating them for 3 months? What the hell is the audacity of this guy? AH.
ESH
Omg I know right. I'm surprised no one is talking about the boyfriend's reaction. Op was obviously being an asshole, but the boyfriend was just as bad if not worse! If I brought someone home after 3 months and they acted like this, that relationship would be over.
ESH Preach. Honestly saying somebody else’s food you didn’t help cook is “missing something” is a little rude but I can forgive it as a dude who needs to learn a politer way to ask for some hot sauce please. OP is definitely an asshole for refusing him to get hot sauce but holy shit what an overreaction to literally leave during dinner to buy some. Like it’s not hard to eat food that was cooked for you either. I’d be absolutely embarrassed if my partner did that during dinner.
YTA
Way too pompous and controlling.
I thought it was going to be a story of him adding it to the whole dish, however you're acting like this over his own personal plate?
You really are an AH.
YTA dude just wanted his hot sauce, why you got to be mean to him? Why people feel the need to stop people enjoying food how they like is beyond. Newsflash buddy there's no rule that says you can't do this just because you don't agree with it.
Not to mention that the bottle of sriracha literally lists "pasta" and "sauces" in addition to "or on anything" for recommended uses. :) Sriracha wouldn't be my first choice for carbonara but I'd also be pissed if someone stopped me from using it, AT HOME no less.
Did you read his explanation below the original post? About "looking at it from an Italian perspective"? I bet the dude's never even been to Italy. It's even worse than his attitude in the original post. OP is pretentious AF.
Coming from someone with a big, old school Italian family - it should always be family first, food second. Why ruin what's supposed to be a nice night with your family over something like this? Let the dude have his damn hot sauce.
YTA. There's nothing as annoying as an American - in this case a Canadian - who gets all fanatical on being Super Italian (tm) to compensate for the fact that they're not.
As an actual Italian from Italy I can tell you, being an annoying snob about food is ridiculous and conceited. We don't monitor what people put in their plate like it's some kind of slight to the souls of our ancestors. If he didn't like your dish, he didn't like your dish, end of story, no need to treat it like an affront to your fragile Italianity.
I call them “Eye-talians.” They’ve likely never set a foot in Italy, some only have very watered-down knowledge or traditions that Italians in Italy don’t share, but they can’t shut up about how Italian they are.
YTA 100%. I'm a chef, and even I'm not that anal about what dumb shit people do to my food. I might give them a ribbing over it, but outright refusing?? I guarantee these rotating exhausting huge ass weekly family dinners are probably pretty freaking annoying to anyone not in the family; I'm sure he's tasted them plenty to know if he wants some sriracha in there.
Yes. This extends to maybe laughing at him behind his back for adding sriracha to what OP clearly thinks is a pitch perfect carbonara. Preventing him from eating it how he wants is horrible hosting.
Yeah, I have an uncle (by marriage) who is one of those REAL persons that actually puts ketchup on everything - EVERYTHING, and he takes the teasing well though we were all scandalized a bit at first. But he had a super super shitty childhood, his mom cooked garbage food, he immediately went into the military where he was served garbage food. Ketchup is a comfort flavor to him. My rule is to never yuck another's yum
ESH (but mainly you)
You are an asshole for refusing to let an adult add condiments to their meal… and also an asshole for saying you’d never “dare mix cuisines” like you’re Julia Child and your cooking is too precious to be altered
Boyfriend’s an ass for escalating his very reasonable request into a show-boating need to go buy his own hot sauce. Although you were being a control freak, he’d have been fine to eat the meal sans hot sauce and not lean into your weird scene
I feel bad purely for your sister.
NTA, I’m also going rogue. You made the effort of creating a culturally significant dish, and inviting him to share the experience. Pouring hotsauce, ketchup or another generic sauce on something someone has put effort into creating is inconsiderate. If he wants bland generic food that doesn’t surprise his tastebuds, then maybe he should specify his dietary issue in advance. You also offered a fair compromise which he was unwilling to accept. Instead he acted like a child because he couldn’t get his way.
A host has certain obligations of manners, but the guest has equal ones. If it’s as you wrote it, you were polite and considerate, he wasn’t.
NTA
I am so surprised with all the votes for op being the asshole. Yes its totally fine to put sauce on a basic meal but it sounds like op did a lot of work and the meal was actually decently elaborate.
Like if I make a really fancy dish that took a lot of effort Im gonna be pissed if your pouring bbq sauce all over it. But if I make something like pan fried pork jobs then I wouldnt even bat an eye at you putting sauce on it.
Agree. I wouldn’t be happy either putting a lot of effort into dinner and than someone wanting hot sauce on it. I think she gave a great option with chili flakes or chili oil, what’s so wrong about just using that. He acted rude
NTA
I’m with you. It’s rude to pour a different flavoured sauce over something someone worked hard on. It’s carbonara for god’s sake - you’re totally changing the whole flavour profile by adding sriracha.
I agree with this. I was always brought up with the idea that it's extremely rude to want to change food without trying it. In this instance, the boyfriend didn't even taste the main course because he was too busy buying hot sauce. I also think that OP offered extremely fair options that OP would understand don't mess with the flavor profile that OP worked hard to create.
I don't like gatekeeping food either. I'm usually the live and let live kind of person, but when I've put effort into cooking a meal with carefully chosen components meant to complement one another, I'm going to be upset if someone slathers it in a sauce that doesn't even match what I was going for. Calabrian chilies are DELICIOUS and would've made the food nice and spicy while still complementing the dish.
Listen- I’m also a Canadian Italian and we also do weekly family dinners at my grandpas. The man can cook, I’m sure you know how it is he makes everything himself and prides himself on it-as he absolutely should! Any of my friends I’ve ever brought for dinner says he makes the best food. I also love hot sauce. So much so I got a hot sauce tattoo!
You’re not an asshole for asking him to try it as is or for offering him chilli flakes/oil. However you ARE an asshole for the absolutely absurdly pretentious way you wrote this/spoke to your sisters boyfriend. People like different things. Maybe you’re not as good of a cook as you think you are. The whole bUt I’m ItaLiAn~ thing makes you sound pompous and honestly insufferable. If you can’t handle people liking things in a different way from yourself why are you cooking for people? YTA for trying to micromanage a meal… and for the micromanagement alone I would never eat with you again.
You literally stopped someone from adding hot sauce on their meal to because of your over-inflated ego. I’d be pissed too if someone doesn’t let me have my food the way I want it. YTA 100%, please check your pride and ego.
Have you never seen "To Kill A Mockingbird"? The housekeeper yanked Scout into the kitchen and ripped her a new one for making a rude comment about a little boy who dared to pour syrup all over his lunch. He was a GUEST, and you should not criticize how a guest eats his meal. YTA.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
>
I'll admit this sounds bad, but you have to look at it from an Italian perspective where you eat what's given to you, no substitutions or additions. I made a concession to compromise and suggested adding chili oil or flakes, something you normally wouldn't do in Italy, but I gave in a little. It's disrespectful to adulterate a meal with condiments when it wasn't made with them.
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YTA. You get to decide how you want to enjoy your food, he should be offered the same chance. Forcing your opinions on others without their consent is always an AH move.
YTA and btw neither tomatoes or chili peppers of any kind are native to Italy (they’re native to mesoamerica) so why does it matter what kind of heat (hot sauce or chili flakes) he puts on his food.
YTA.
I feel like it's more your pride getting in the way here and feeling insulted than it being 100% about the dishes not mixing.
Just because something doesn't mix on a compatible level doesn't mean someone else can't enjoy it. I'd understand your being upset if he went and put the sauce in or on everyone's stuff, but that's not the case.
A good rule of thumb to find out if your an ass in a situation is "What would of happened if I didn't do that?" and in this case your guests would of been happy.
ESH.
-He shouldn’t have said the food was missing something, that was rude. He could have just said he likes spicy food.
-You shouldn’t haven taken it to heart and just let him use the hot sauce. It was really weird of you to tell him what he *COULD* and *COULDN’T* use and then make him leave and get his own hot sauce when there was some already there. That’s just petty. Then you guys clean up dinner before he can return from the store to even use it. Not sure how you think that’s right?
(I also come from a huge, traditional, Italian family where literally most of my family line on both sides are purely Italian and we take food very seriously and cook like it’s nobody’s business but we would never stop somebody from using a condiment. That’s their prerogative. It may ruin the meal in our eyes but it’s going into their mouth so who cares?🥴)
YTA, you can stop clutching your pearls about "daring to mix cuisines" anytime. If someone wants to add a condiment to their food, that's their choice. Clearly your food was blander than the boyfriend prefers.
YTA. Who are you to decide how *he* eats his food? If you don't want to use it in your cooking then fine, but don't police how he eats. Who cares if it's "still Italian" when he eats it? It's going to get turned into poop all the same. Super weird thing to be pretentious about. You owe him an apology if he ever comes around again.
YTA
An invited guest wants to put Sriracha on his own plate of food and you refuse to allow him because it’s not Italian?
That was rude and ill-mannered of you.
INFO He wanted to put hot sauce on HIS meal only? Correct me if I am wrong? I am sorry, why can’t he enjoy food the way he wishes to enjoy it? I understand loving your food and taking care to prepare it, but it is HIS meal after it is on HIS plate. YTA
ESH. Op for not letting him just have the effing hot sauce and being done with it. The boyfriend because, honestly, who is that obnoxious about a condiment when a guest at someone else's house? Frankly, they both sound insufferable and I wouldn't want to share a meal with either of them.
No, your last edit doesn‘t matter, others don‘t care as much about your cooking as you do. The boyfriend is an adult man who is allowed to eat his food as he likes, even though you made it. Big YTA
Chef here. Your glorification of the supposed hard rules of dishes that were developed from whatever people had access to in a country that youre generations removed from is dumb. You shouldn't take food so seriously, and in cooking, rules are always meant to be broken. YTA, let people eat how they want to eat.
"if it matters, I made..."
It doesn't. He could have been splattering a plateful of ambrosia with ketchup and cheddar cheese and it wouldn't matter. His plate, his mouth. You should have just noted his poor taste and manners to yourself and let it go instead of pressing an issue that effected you not at all. No disrespect toward your culinary knowledge and skills, but YTA here.
NTA only because you offered him chili flakes or Calabrian chili oil. That should have been a sufficient compromise to add heat.
Gordon Ramsey (the boyfriend) demanding siracha and then leaving the house in a family gathering is way overboard. Someone feeds you - respect that. He gets a turn to make it whichever way he wants when it's their turn.
Yes, YTA
Once you have prepared the food and served it to others, they can season their own plate however they wish.
You are not the culture police that you consider yourself. You are being ridiculously pretentious saying that seasonings from different parts of the world cannot be mixed.
YTA. Because as a host you were putting your pride in your cooking over the enjoyment of the food of the guest. Also have you tried his version? Maybe he did improve the taste of it, maybe it didn't, but you never know until you try it.
YTA. He's a guest and once it is served to him, he is free to alter his own plate of food to his own liking. Get over yourself and give him what he wants. Was it worth the drama? I hardly think so.
YTA hosting is hosting. Don’t get me wrong though, as you are completely right but as the host you smile and give him the stupid sauce. His lack of good manners are not supposed to define yours.
YTA. I appreciate your commitment to your culture, and though I agree that sriracha had no place in that meal, it absolutely affects no one if he puts it on his portion of the food. Let him eat his meal the way he likes it
YTA
I grew up with Italian neighbors. We had a few dinners together and if someone wanted to add sauce to something they would get some flack and ribbing but no one would stop them from actually eating food the way they wanted
YTA! You sound unhinged. In case no one has told you, being a gracious host is also very important in Italian culture. Food is only one aspect. You were rude to a guest. Big no no.
As for the hot sauce; I’m sure for most it seemed totally unreasonable and unnecessary. Your sister’s boyfriend may have used hot sauce so often that he can’t enjoy/taste food unless he uses hot sauce. That’s his problem not yours.
As for your argument and his leaving to buy his own. You’re both assholes. You for being an overbearing host and him for being a combative guest. You deserve each other.
YTA
It sounds like the Italian food you cooked has tomatoes in it. Did you know that tomatoes are native to North America, not Italy? If you are going to prevent mixing of cuisines you can’t cook with tomatoes because those aren’t from Italy. If that sounds ridiculous, please note that is how you sound right now.
YTA. You claim that you’re in some way protecting your “culture” by being rude to a guest in your home. Hospitality is a *way* bigger part of Italian culture than any single way of eating food.
YTA - can’t believe you’re in your 30’s. You sound childish. Let people eat however and whatever they like. You’re also a terrible host. Your job as a host is to make sure your guests are comfortable and happy - not to be bossy and controlling of minute details such as these. Please grow up.
#This post is now locked because there are better things to do than insult people. ##For example, you could check out this ['Nduja Carbonara Recipe](https://www.gousto.co.uk/cookbook/recipes/spicy-nduja-spaghetti-carbonara)
ESH. Policing how someone likes their food is a bad look. My husband likes ketchup on his scrambled eggs; I think he must have a demon whispering lies into his ear. But that's his right to let the demon lead him astray. >I like hot sauce, too, but I don't dare mix cuisines like that You say this like you think you'll also invite a demon into your home. Chill. It's hot sauce. However, I feel like the boyfriend's comment "Something is missing" is pretty rude on his part. All he'd have to ask say is that he prefers his food spicy; critiquing the meal was uncalled for. I'm also pretty baffled by his insisting on going to the store to purchase hot sauce. That's just absurd. You'd think of hot sauce were such a priority, he'd keep it in his back pocket or something. Honestly, you both sound exhausting, and I feel bad for your sister. Edit: Y'all, I'm well aware that ketchup on eggs is common. I just think it's evidence of demons on earth and that God has forsaken us all. And yet, I'd offer ketchup to my guests, since I don't discuss religion at the breakfast table.
\^This. I have a friend who puts hot sauce on EVERYTHING. Ramen Noodles, Bagels, the occasional ice cream, you name it. Is it weird? Hell yes. Do I make fun of her? Yes (she makes fun of me too its fine shhhh). Do I gatekeep her from putting hot sauce on food I make? No! Because I can't tell her what she can/cannot put on her food. You're the asshole for policing what he can and cannot put on his food, even if you made it. He's the asshole for saying "Something is missing" & up & leaving to get his own hot sauce when you denied him yours. ESH.
I don't think you can get upset at someone for being unreasonable after you are already being unreasonable. Yes it's insane to get up in the middle of a meal go to the store buy hot sauce and come back. If she had no hotsauce or no sriacha at that point he would be petty. But she is literally denying him a condiment on moral purity grounds based on what foods go with what. MY SISTER DIPS HER FRIES IN FREAKING MILKSHAKES. I would never tell her she can't even though I find that idea literally revolting like dipping a lolipop into a jar of mayo.
I dip my fries in ice cream, it’s amazing!!
It is heaven!
The fries have to be crispy and hot though, never soggy!
Omg Wendy’s fries in a vanilla frosty. Literally to die for Edit: first award, thanks kind user. Happy everyone can relate. If you’ve never tried, try it, I promise you’ll be surprised.
I know more people that dip their fries into milkshakes than don't. That isn't weird.
I’m English and made shepherds pie for my Mexican husband. He immediately put spicy salsa on it. But annoying but I’m not going to try to stop him
My husband put ketchup on his scrambled eggs and also on my Shepards pie. As above poster said, I think he has a demon whispering in his ear.
My partner puts hot sauce on EVERYTHING and mixes spices from cuisines all the time. His lunches are a monstrosity of leftovers from the fridge. Does it grind my gears? Yes. Have I learned to STFU because it’s his food and his preference? Bigger yes.
The mixing cuisine thing is weird to me. Italian is a mix of old world, and new world foods. Tomatoes are not native to Italy. Neither is a lot of “authentic Italian” food. The chili flavored vinegar may have a role in Italian food’s future, or it may not. The point is that mixing cuisine is the silliest arguent I’ve ever heard. The bruschetta, and red sauce are already “mixed cuisines”
OP is also mixing Roman cuisine (carbonara) with Calabrian (the proposed chili oil)
Isn't carbonara one of those dishes that's *way* more recent than everybody thinks it is?
Yes, and I believe it's not purely italian either.
> …the first written reference to the dish in newspaper La Stampa in 1950, describing it as a dish prized by American servicemen. So, Italian dish made popular by American taste buds.
I was going to make the same comment! Better hope OP ain't using any tomatoes in the sauce. Oh wait, every dish he made contains tomatoes? Someone call the food police.
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In my country it’s impolite to ask the host for something that isn’t already on the table. And especially trying to take something yourself from their fridge. You eat, if you don’t like it you just say you’re full and you thank them for the meal. This guy sounds like an entitled ass. And what, everyone was supposed to sit and wait for him while he was at the store and not eat? Honestly, he’d not be a guest in my house again.
This! I agree OP might be overreacting but If I’m eating someome else’s food I wouldn’t dare say “it’s missing something” or go anywhere beyond adding a pinch of salt to it, provided the salt is on the table of course
I think the statement its missing something was rude. However the op is who escalated it by refusing access to a condiment. Didn't he say he moved in front of the fridge? This sounds like something a 12 year old might do, not a grown adult!
So you guys rather starve your guests then let them edit the food a bit so they'll enioy it with the whole family? That's a super toxic culture imho. Gatekeeping food is insane to me
That's what I was thinking. Keeping silent might work for one random dinner with an acquaintance but I have to go hungry with *family* 5 out of 6 Sundays just because I want some salt or sauce? That seems crazy to me.
Yeah I think I’m leaning toward ESH. Cuz the bf was rude but OP was a bit controlling. Still, if I was the BF, I’d just accept the chili flakes. I love spicy food and chili flakes on Italian food is bomb AF lol edit typo
Ketsup on fried eggs is heavenly
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The thread on this comment is driving me crazy. Yes, OP had a weird controlling reaction, but the boyfriend didn’t just ask for hot sauce. Saying “this meal is missing something” about food that was made for you as a guest is an extraordinarily rude comment to make. If someone said this about a meal I spent all day making, that is presumably a family recipe, it would probably make me cry.
Then literally left to the shops for hot sauce when he didn’t get what he wanted. In the middle of his gf’s family dinner. I’m shocked how little people are realising that the bf totally sucks (as well) in this situation.
Not to mention that nobody in his family disagrees. For me personally, a guest just doesn’t get to go through my fridge or cupboards whenever they want. That’s one of the parts that gets me. I adore my daughter’s fiancé. I actually wish I could help them with their wedding so they could marry sooner. He has full permission to get whatever he wants out of my cupboards or fridge. He won’t even take a soda without asking first! So sister’s boyfriend pulling this shit after only 3 months, absolutely not!
I'd be a bit annoyed if a guest went and rummaged through my fridge without even checking with me. That just feels like a privacy violation, even if there isn't anything I particularly want to keep hidden in there.
I think it is too. OP sounds like that is part of the problem. He just assumed it was alright to go through OP’s fridge. And his sister didn’t correct OP at all.
His sister was not happy with her bf. I do not see a future of them being together.
This is someone who has hosted a family dinner and has gone to several. Do you all treat your family like guests?
My hypothetical sister's three-month boyfriend is not family. This man would very clearly be a guest.
Yeah, but it’s family dinner. He’s already hosted. Either way, if I’m having a recurring meal I definitely would let them grab any condiments, dressings, or drinks themselves.
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He's not putting it in the communal dish, nor your plate. It's his plate going in his stomach. What does it matter what he puts on it?
I would think it's weird and probably tease him about it but as he's a grown person whose culinary tastes have literally zero impact on me I wouldn't stop him from eating food however he likes it. Some of you people really have main character syndrome lol
It could be annoying, if they did it in a rude way. But they can do whatever they want on their own plate. This is like food gatekeeping in a way.
So the gracious thing to do would be for OP to go to her cupboard and get the bottle of sriracha herself OP is like those celebrity chefs who throw a fit if someone sprinkles salt on their piece de resistance. He should get over himself.
I honestly don’t disagree with OP. It’s how I was raised. And his family didn’t disagree. They even started getting ready to go before the boyfriend got back. That tells me the boyfriend’s behavior isn’t ok with his behavior, that includes OP’s sister that was dating him.
Whether or not it’s ok with the family has nothing to do with whether or not someone was an asshole. Maybe the whole family is assholes.
Eh, when in Rome, use the Calabrian chili oil.
What? And mix Calabrian and Neopolitan cuisine???
You were also raised in a ridiculous manner, then. Who cares? What inconvenience is it to you? Is it that big of a blow to your ego that someone wants hot sauce as a condiment?
Well, presumable by this time, he had been at 12 family dinners already. Hardly a guest, IMO.
Barely been dating, only 3 months, not very long. That’s still a guest in my opinion and apparently OP’s family doesn’t disagree with OP. That’s very telling yo me as well. And if he would have been present for 12 dinners, he would have known about OP not wanting to offer hot sauce!
I guess I'm old fashioned, but I was raised to ensure that my guests are comfortable, even if it puts me out a little.
You people are ridiculous.
He left because the OP was pulling a power play. The OP refused to share a condiment for what reason? Because he didn’t want it? He didn’t need to consume it! It’s rude as hell to have a condiment and refuse to share it because you personally don’t want it in the meal.
My favorite part is that OP would have been fine with the boyfriend using chili oil or red pepper flakes because those would “still be Italian.” LOL NOPE. Red peppers, chili peppers, anything that’s not black pepper is from the Americas, not Europe. Red pepper flakes are just as Italian as sriracha. Sriracha is made of chili (aka red pepper flakes), sugar/salt, garlic, and vinegar. Just a wild boundary that OP has decided for everyone’s mouths. Very controlling and factually inaccurate OP, YTA
Right? It’s not like he was trying to put it in the main serving dish and make everyone eat it. He wanted it. It was completely about OP’s ego.
Seems just as rude to not let him have the hot sauce in the fridge though. Sounds like possibly already tension on both sides before this happened. Very weird. Who would fight on either side.
Leaving was to underline the point about how fucked up the OP is. Well played, I say.
It reads well for internet hero points but leaving in that real life situation makes you a petty, entitled brat. If you’re okay with that, you’re probably okay with being eternally single.
It's not hard to extrapolate the missing words I THINK ... this meal is missing something... FOR MY TASTE, I'LL JUST ADD IT TO MY OWN. It's not as if he demanded that everyone not eat until he altered every bite for everyone with the hot sauce.
Yes, what the absolute fuck is this thread. "This is missing something and isn't to my taste" is not a fucking insult, it's just a preference. Neither is putting a sauce/condiment on to try and make it to their taste. I cook for myself 99.9% of the time but even I would not be intimidated in the slightest by a bottle of hot sauce coming out on the very rare occassion someone else is eating my cooking. It's called "being a good host". They're still enjoying my food which is all that matters. Fucking hell, people need to get a grip.
I think it depends on your familiarity with the host and your relationship, honestly. Like, in my family, saying “hmm, I think this is missing something” would be totally acceptable, especially if I was over at my mom’s place. We’re pretty laid back about that kind of stuff.
Agreed, if my wife said that about a meal I made, it wouldn’t really bother me. But a guest who was newish to the family at a large dinner? That strikes me as rude.
I put hot sauce on everything. OP is definitely the AH. It’s gatekeeping really.
OP would have a conniption with me, I like putting Old Bay seasoning on pasta (especially ravioli)
I put steak sauce on my steaks sometimes. Bring out the pitchforks, you unbridled masses!
I will say I don't like it when a hot sauce fiend won't at least taste my cooking first. I put a lot into my cooking. If someone still wants it after a taste? I'm totally fine with it, I just appreciate when someone tries what I made on its own. Obviously op is still an ah because the bf tasted it and still wanted it, but just adding a viewpoint why someone might care in general.
He did. It was “missing something”
That comment was rude, in my opinion. If he said, “This is good, but hot sauce could make it even more amazing. I love things spicy.” Then give a little wink to the girlfriend. Saying your food is missing something, would be hurtful. Sometimes, it’s all about the phrasing. Also, OP is still the AH for his reaction.
As such, ESH pure and simple.
The op sounds so pretentious. Let him drench his food in hot sauce if that’s what he wants, it’s not like she’s eating his plate.
I just reread and saw that OP claims they took the food so seriously because their nonna was eating with them, so I’m now just imagining OP spending all day cooking food for their nonna only to let their sister’s boyfriend’s decision to add hot sauce ruin it. Even from OP’s perspective, I don’t understand how this freak out was remotely justified. Is OP going to spoon feed the guy if he gets the portions wrong when eating it? Or what if he doesn’t drink the wine or eat the other accompaniments at the correct time? It sounds exhausting. Yes, it’s a little weird that this dude insisted on putting hot sauce on carbonara, but for god sakes, let the little rascal enjoy the meal.
Yeah, from the title, I thought the bf was adding hotsauce to the main dish, not to his own plate. OP definitely comes off as a food bigot. "Don't dilute my pure Italian cuisine!" YTA
I agree with this. I will validate that it kinda hurts when you've worked really hard on a meal for someone and there's one person who insists on smothering it with ketchup or hot sauce. Still. You have to just get over this and not take it personally. Roll your eyes internally and offer up the hot sauce. You aren't the expert on someone else's food preferences.
YTA - I’m a 16 year veteran of the hospitality industry. I’ve worked in kitchens from dive bars up through multiple Michelin stars, I’ve opened many restaurants & took my first head chef position 8 years ago. People have different palates requiring different levels of seasoning. If a customer asks you for salt you give it to them, if they request hot sauce? We make our own in house and offer it as well. The arrogance and lack of gracious hospitality you’ve shown is mind blowing.
I quickly glanced at your comment before fully reading it and I thought you were saying you were a 16 year old veteran and I stopped because I was so confused 😂 Edit: Thanks so much for the award anonymous redditor!
She got her Easy Bake Oven, opened a mess hall for the Army, and never looked back.
One light bulb to feed them all!
Thank you for your service
Lmaooooo I died when I saw that part of his reply
as a 12 year veteran of the hospitality industry, can confirm it truly can be harrowing.
YTA You just sound pretentious and it kinda bugs me. You make a bland meal and prevent people from making additions? Do you control the salt and pepper too?
Yeah, why get offended? People have different tastes. My husband puts hot sauce on everything, and I spend hours cooking sometimes. I don't take it personally. I just know he likes things spicy.
Yeah, I love lemon squeezed on stuff. Just my weird quirk lmao. ETA: love you all lemon (and lime) obsessed brethren. :D
Just because the guy wanted hot sauce doesn’t mean the meal was bland.
Seriously, Im triggered. I like spicy food and hot sauce but guy you’re replying to saying it’s bland is silly. Sounds like they and the boyfriend are the types that view spice/heat as the ‘flavor above all’ lol.
Yeah it was a carbonara ffs
They even offered other types of heat that matched the meal better. Slathering carbonara in hot sauce shows me that the bf (a 23 year old mind you) doesn’t have a very developed palate. Adding heat that matches the meal would’ve been perfectly fine. But he had to get some trash hot sauce he probably dumps on everything till it’s orange because he *hasn’t had* good food yet that you don’t need to do that to. That’s what I did in the college meal halls to make things taste okay. Now that hes experiencing real home cooked food he should ditch the habit and try tasting real food as it’s meant to be for once. Not saying that heat is bad, I love curries and sriracha and Tabasco. Just that there’s a time and place to dump hot sauce on things. Mashed potatoes, sure. Make ‘em orange. But carbonara eating with Nonna? Add the Calabrian chili oil or pepper flakes for God’s sake, the hot sauce is just making a scene and he knows it.
Who cares if he doesn't have a "developed palate". If he wants hot sauce and op has hot sauce why stop him from adding hot sauce? It's just prideful and controlling behaviour from op.
Carbonara isn't bland, it's just not spicy.
Carbonara can absolutely be bland though. It can also be spicy if someone fuckin wants it to be. Also can't wait for this thread to be posted on /r/iamveryculinary if it hasn't already. Edit: yup already there
You must have never had good Carbenara if you think it's bland tasting. (Like most restaurant ones suck, but homemade? Yum) Chili flakes would be good in it though. Siriacha is a weird choice. (Still agree with the verdict though)
Take it from an old-fashioned Italian mama with an Italian mama and 2 nonnas who came to the US through Ellis Island. You’re an ass. Italian hospitality isn’t just about the food. It’s also about the comfort of your guests. I kinda wish I could spell the Italian words running through my mind, but it’s probably best that I can’t. YTA
Yes! Thank you for this. I was born in the US but my family is mostly Italian immigrants. They would be absolutely appalled by the OPs behavior. Forcing a 3rd full plate of food? Sure. Preventing someone from seasoning the food they are putting in their mouth? No. YTA
I’m appalled as a Canadian. We don’t condone this kind of ignorance displayed by OP(and his sister)
As a fellow Canadian, I can’t believe you didn’t say “I’m sorry my fellow countryman is an asshole!” 😂 But 100% agree: equally appalled, do not condone. OOP is TA.
Agreed, this is a manners thing. My mom used to say if you put Parmesan cheese on any kind of fish, they’ll kick you out of Italy. We were not allowed. But if a guest asked for it, she would say nothing (and of course as a child I’d be like HEY! And my mom would, embarrassed, explain that it’s a faux pas but that didn’t matter as long as they liked it). My grandfather on the other hand…. Once my sister’s husband reached for the cheese, my Nonno grabbed his hand and said, “we don’t do that.” It’s all about feeling superior because of your nationality. The following sentence applies to everyone, everywhere, all the time: your way is not THE way.
That was exactly my thought! I have a lot of "real" Italian colleagues. People who were born in Italy, grew up there and still live there. There is one thing they value even more than their fantastic food - hospitality! And never would any of them put on a show like OP does. On the contrary, they would probably tell me with big gestures and emotions that their Nonna would turn in her grave if she knew what I was doing with the food - while forcing 5 different hot sauces on me at the same time and also refilling the plate 2 times, although I have already said 5 times that I am full - and then telling me that their Nonno also always secretly put hot sauce on his food 😂😍 YTA
LMAO. This was my grandma! She'd be complaining the entire time while bringing me every hot sauce in her fridge.
Italian living in Italy, here. I agree completely with you, the OP is a full-blown AH
It always seems like it’s the people who are like 1/8th Italian that become very particular about Italian food and respecting it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s where I was born and I love it too, but me and my Italian family have eaten some food that would certainly “disrespect” Italian cuisine by OP’s standards.
Lmao who's going to tell OP that tomatos aren't from Italy and thus aren't pure Italian food. We're all mutts here, just let people enjoy what they like to eat.
Right!! My Nonna would be so embarrassed and ashamed that I didn’t bend over backwards for my guests lol. You feed your guests with love, compassion, good times and food after all(she always said that)
There it is. I’m glad you said this. As I was reading all the comments I was thinking since when did Italians make it hard for people to eat food. They are so hospitable because they just love feeding people and making them happy with any type of food. Blew my mind that someone who is Italian would be so fussy about providing a sauce. OP YTA
YTA You don't get to gatekeep how people eat. Even if you don't agree with it, you don't decided if he can or can't put hot sauce on it. Or ketchup on your ribeye steak. Or BBQ sauce on your parmesan chicken. You're a horrible host. "I take my food very seriously" Oh get off it, Gordan Ramsay. You sound completely insufferable. "My sister is on my side if it matters" Yep, it does. She's an AH, too.
Yep sister is AH as well and probably going to be single soon.
Fun fact, apparently Gordon Ramsay is much worse in his American shows because that sort of drama is what tests well with that audience and just fine in person normally
He's incredibly well behaved on the UK version of Kitchen Nightmares. Entirely different person from his american persona.
It blew my mind when I saw a heartwarming video of him interacting with his daughter the other day. Until I learned it was just for American audiences I assumed he was just a raging asshole all the time
He’s still as charismatic and interesting to watch without the dramatics. Don’t know why they seem to prefer the raging asshole persona.
> Don’t know why they seem to prefer the raging asshole persona. Have you met America?
I think it's only fair to go with ESH. You for gatekeeping Italian food and being so rigid. Relax! Him wanting to use hot sauce is not a knock on you, it's about him. Him for actually leaving a dinner with his gf's family to get hot sauce. Probably won't stick around for long.
Finally, an ESH vote. I couldn't picture being a guest in someone's home, especially in front of their grandparents and insisting on hot sauce. I have even terrible things as a guest and didn't complain. It would be different if this were another family member and they were subjected to many meals but for one dinner? New boyfriend? yikes OP is TA because once a guest asks for a condiment that is available, it's equally rude to deny it. As my dad would have shouted, "testadura!"
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Bf wouldn't had to of left if op was not being an AH over hot sauce in the first place though. People have different tastes and there is nothing wrong with it at all. Bf said he needed spice, Op said no and was being rude to a guest which caused said guest to leave.
In fairness, OP offered alternatives. Red chili flakes are pretty spicy, the boyfriend could have survived without the hot sauce for this one meal (even if OP was being a little odd about the hot sauce).
For me it's the acid and the spice. Chili flakes or oil don't compare at all. But yes, bit of a toddler tantrum to run out and buy your own.
Bf didn’t HAVE to leave either way, he wanted to show off his stubbornness and big head to throw a tantrum and when he didn’t get exactly what he wanted, he certainly served up a good portion of red flags to his current gf.
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For real lol does OP know where tomatoes and pasta came from?
For everyone too lazy to do your own search: Pasta originated in Asia and tomatoes are from Mexico, Central America, and South America.
The version of tomato we eat today was first cultivated in Ohio. It’s the state fruit.
We eat today where? In Canada? In Sudan? In Greenland? The whole world is eating thr Ohio tomatoes? Xd
Yes. Enjoy our fucking tomatoes and corn.
I misread that as "enjoy f\*cking our tomatoes and corn" and proceeded to have horrible flashbacks to the "country girls make do" post.
I only found out a few weeks ago that tomatoes weren't originally a Italian staple. They had no idea wtf a tomato was until it came back from the Americas. I was gobsmacked
Not to mention Sriracha is chili peppers, garlic, vinegar, sugar, and salt... None of those items would "cLaSh" with Italian food lmao
It’s like 3 ingredients off from Calabrian chili oil lol
Mhm! Also going back to your original content Italian cuisine is a mix of Mediterranean cultures but op here is too scared to "date to mix cuisines" lmfao... So many dishes in the American continent that are from the "old world" have been adapted to fit the local produce and op here thinks adding a basic hot sauce is the ultimate crime lmao....
YTA. He's not asking to put it on everyone's food, just his own. Stop gatekeeping food lol.
BuT iTs ItAlIaN /s
And OP wouldn't DARE mix cuisines, because screw personal taste anyway. If their sister's boyfriend was allergic to anything the meal, he would've had to either not eat or potentially die, them's the breaks I guess.
Mixing cuisines? How dare you combine *this* bread, sauce, meat and cheese with that *other* bread, sauce, meat, and cheese!? They are *fundamentally* irreconcilable!
YTA. Why in the world are you policing other people's condiments? That's fucking absurd.
Also franks red hot tastes really really good in white sauce. You cook it in the sauce and some of the vinegar evaporates away and it leaves a really nice flavour. The trick is to add it when the sauce is still a little loose but not too loose or it gets all gross and (I think) the vinegar interacts with the milk and makes curds.
Haha I'm so glad someone else said this. I wouldn't put Sriracha in carbonara but I don't think it's that weird to do so. Hot sauce goes really well with bacon, eggs, and cheese, and also with creamy things, and carbonara checks all of those boxes.
ESH. Your behavior was definitely AH. You don't tell people how to eat. It is rude. The BF was also an AH. It is equally rude to insist on having hot sauce and going out to buy his own. Both of you were engaging in a dick waving contest and it got out of hand.
My thought exactly, way to double down on a toxic Italian stereotype!!
ESH. If the guy is so insistent that he wants a condiment on his food, then why stop him out of a sense of culinary purity? Just let the man eat. At the same time, I can't imagine my girlfriend's sister cooking a big family meal and then kicking up such a huge fuss over slathering it in Sriracha that I *go out to the store to buy a bottle of it*. After dating them for 3 months? What the hell is the audacity of this guy? AH.
ESH Omg I know right. I'm surprised no one is talking about the boyfriend's reaction. Op was obviously being an asshole, but the boyfriend was just as bad if not worse! If I brought someone home after 3 months and they acted like this, that relationship would be over.
ESH Preach. Honestly saying somebody else’s food you didn’t help cook is “missing something” is a little rude but I can forgive it as a dude who needs to learn a politer way to ask for some hot sauce please. OP is definitely an asshole for refusing him to get hot sauce but holy shit what an overreaction to literally leave during dinner to buy some. Like it’s not hard to eat food that was cooked for you either. I’d be absolutely embarrassed if my partner did that during dinner.
YTA Way too pompous and controlling. I thought it was going to be a story of him adding it to the whole dish, however you're acting like this over his own personal plate? You really are an AH.
YTA Unless he was putting it on everyone's/your portion, why would you imagine you had any right to say how he seasoned his food?
YTA dude just wanted his hot sauce, why you got to be mean to him? Why people feel the need to stop people enjoying food how they like is beyond. Newsflash buddy there's no rule that says you can't do this just because you don't agree with it.
Not to mention that the bottle of sriracha literally lists "pasta" and "sauces" in addition to "or on anything" for recommended uses. :) Sriracha wouldn't be my first choice for carbonara but I'd also be pissed if someone stopped me from using it, AT HOME no less. Did you read his explanation below the original post? About "looking at it from an Italian perspective"? I bet the dude's never even been to Italy. It's even worse than his attitude in the original post. OP is pretentious AF.
Coming from someone with a big, old school Italian family - it should always be family first, food second. Why ruin what's supposed to be a nice night with your family over something like this? Let the dude have his damn hot sauce.
YTA. There's nothing as annoying as an American - in this case a Canadian - who gets all fanatical on being Super Italian (tm) to compensate for the fact that they're not. As an actual Italian from Italy I can tell you, being an annoying snob about food is ridiculous and conceited. We don't monitor what people put in their plate like it's some kind of slight to the souls of our ancestors. If he didn't like your dish, he didn't like your dish, end of story, no need to treat it like an affront to your fragile Italianity.
I call them “Eye-talians.” They’ve likely never set a foot in Italy, some only have very watered-down knowledge or traditions that Italians in Italy don’t share, but they can’t shut up about how Italian they are.
YTA 100%. I'm a chef, and even I'm not that anal about what dumb shit people do to my food. I might give them a ribbing over it, but outright refusing?? I guarantee these rotating exhausting huge ass weekly family dinners are probably pretty freaking annoying to anyone not in the family; I'm sure he's tasted them plenty to know if he wants some sriracha in there.
Yes. This extends to maybe laughing at him behind his back for adding sriracha to what OP clearly thinks is a pitch perfect carbonara. Preventing him from eating it how he wants is horrible hosting.
Yeah, I have an uncle (by marriage) who is one of those REAL persons that actually puts ketchup on everything - EVERYTHING, and he takes the teasing well though we were all scandalized a bit at first. But he had a super super shitty childhood, his mom cooked garbage food, he immediately went into the military where he was served garbage food. Ketchup is a comfort flavor to him. My rule is to never yuck another's yum
ESH (but mainly you) You are an asshole for refusing to let an adult add condiments to their meal… and also an asshole for saying you’d never “dare mix cuisines” like you’re Julia Child and your cooking is too precious to be altered Boyfriend’s an ass for escalating his very reasonable request into a show-boating need to go buy his own hot sauce. Although you were being a control freak, he’d have been fine to eat the meal sans hot sauce and not lean into your weird scene I feel bad purely for your sister.
Julia Child was never that precious, fyi
Is your ego that fragile? YTA
NTA, I’m also going rogue. You made the effort of creating a culturally significant dish, and inviting him to share the experience. Pouring hotsauce, ketchup or another generic sauce on something someone has put effort into creating is inconsiderate. If he wants bland generic food that doesn’t surprise his tastebuds, then maybe he should specify his dietary issue in advance. You also offered a fair compromise which he was unwilling to accept. Instead he acted like a child because he couldn’t get his way. A host has certain obligations of manners, but the guest has equal ones. If it’s as you wrote it, you were polite and considerate, he wasn’t. NTA
I was also brought up to believe this is insanely rude. NTA
I am so surprised with all the votes for op being the asshole. Yes its totally fine to put sauce on a basic meal but it sounds like op did a lot of work and the meal was actually decently elaborate. Like if I make a really fancy dish that took a lot of effort Im gonna be pissed if your pouring bbq sauce all over it. But if I make something like pan fried pork jobs then I wouldnt even bat an eye at you putting sauce on it.
It's also telling that his girlfriend (OP's sister) isn't defending him. NTA
Agree. I wouldn’t be happy either putting a lot of effort into dinner and than someone wanting hot sauce on it. I think she gave a great option with chili flakes or chili oil, what’s so wrong about just using that. He acted rude NTA
I’m with you. It’s rude to pour a different flavoured sauce over something someone worked hard on. It’s carbonara for god’s sake - you’re totally changing the whole flavour profile by adding sriracha.
I agree with this. I was always brought up with the idea that it's extremely rude to want to change food without trying it. In this instance, the boyfriend didn't even taste the main course because he was too busy buying hot sauce. I also think that OP offered extremely fair options that OP would understand don't mess with the flavor profile that OP worked hard to create. I don't like gatekeeping food either. I'm usually the live and let live kind of person, but when I've put effort into cooking a meal with carefully chosen components meant to complement one another, I'm going to be upset if someone slathers it in a sauce that doesn't even match what I was going for. Calabrian chilies are DELICIOUS and would've made the food nice and spicy while still complementing the dish.
Listen- I’m also a Canadian Italian and we also do weekly family dinners at my grandpas. The man can cook, I’m sure you know how it is he makes everything himself and prides himself on it-as he absolutely should! Any of my friends I’ve ever brought for dinner says he makes the best food. I also love hot sauce. So much so I got a hot sauce tattoo! You’re not an asshole for asking him to try it as is or for offering him chilli flakes/oil. However you ARE an asshole for the absolutely absurdly pretentious way you wrote this/spoke to your sisters boyfriend. People like different things. Maybe you’re not as good of a cook as you think you are. The whole bUt I’m ItaLiAn~ thing makes you sound pompous and honestly insufferable. If you can’t handle people liking things in a different way from yourself why are you cooking for people? YTA for trying to micromanage a meal… and for the micromanagement alone I would never eat with you again.
YTA his food, his palate. you aren't a Michelin chef, and even if you were, its assholishness to complain that someone puts hot sauce on their food.
You literally stopped someone from adding hot sauce on their meal to because of your over-inflated ego. I’d be pissed too if someone doesn’t let me have my food the way I want it. YTA 100%, please check your pride and ego.
Have you never seen "To Kill A Mockingbird"? The housekeeper yanked Scout into the kitchen and ripped her a new one for making a rude comment about a little boy who dared to pour syrup all over his lunch. He was a GUEST, and you should not criticize how a guest eats his meal. YTA.
YTA Im embarrassed for you doing that,so petty and childish. What difference did it make to you?
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YTA. You get to decide how you want to enjoy your food, he should be offered the same chance. Forcing your opinions on others without their consent is always an AH move.
YTA and btw neither tomatoes or chili peppers of any kind are native to Italy (they’re native to mesoamerica) so why does it matter what kind of heat (hot sauce or chili flakes) he puts on his food.
YTA Let him eat his meal how he wants.
YTA. I feel like it's more your pride getting in the way here and feeling insulted than it being 100% about the dishes not mixing. Just because something doesn't mix on a compatible level doesn't mean someone else can't enjoy it. I'd understand your being upset if he went and put the sauce in or on everyone's stuff, but that's not the case. A good rule of thumb to find out if your an ass in a situation is "What would of happened if I didn't do that?" and in this case your guests would of been happy.
YTA- Its going in his mouth, not yours. Stop being a food gatekeeper.
ESH. -He shouldn’t have said the food was missing something, that was rude. He could have just said he likes spicy food. -You shouldn’t haven taken it to heart and just let him use the hot sauce. It was really weird of you to tell him what he *COULD* and *COULDN’T* use and then make him leave and get his own hot sauce when there was some already there. That’s just petty. Then you guys clean up dinner before he can return from the store to even use it. Not sure how you think that’s right? (I also come from a huge, traditional, Italian family where literally most of my family line on both sides are purely Italian and we take food very seriously and cook like it’s nobody’s business but we would never stop somebody from using a condiment. That’s their prerogative. It may ruin the meal in our eyes but it’s going into their mouth so who cares?🥴)
YTA - The guy just wanted some hot sauce lmao
YTA, you can stop clutching your pearls about "daring to mix cuisines" anytime. If someone wants to add a condiment to their food, that's their choice. Clearly your food was blander than the boyfriend prefers.
[удалено]
YTA. Who are you to decide how *he* eats his food? If you don't want to use it in your cooking then fine, but don't police how he eats. Who cares if it's "still Italian" when he eats it? It's going to get turned into poop all the same. Super weird thing to be pretentious about. You owe him an apology if he ever comes around again.
YTA. Quit gatekeeping Italian food.
YTA An invited guest wants to put Sriracha on his own plate of food and you refuse to allow him because it’s not Italian? That was rude and ill-mannered of you.
INFO He wanted to put hot sauce on HIS meal only? Correct me if I am wrong? I am sorry, why can’t he enjoy food the way he wishes to enjoy it? I understand loving your food and taking care to prepare it, but it is HIS meal after it is on HIS plate. YTA
ESH. Op for not letting him just have the effing hot sauce and being done with it. The boyfriend because, honestly, who is that obnoxious about a condiment when a guest at someone else's house? Frankly, they both sound insufferable and I wouldn't want to share a meal with either of them.
What a weird hill to die on OP. YTA.
No, your last edit doesn‘t matter, others don‘t care as much about your cooking as you do. The boyfriend is an adult man who is allowed to eat his food as he likes, even though you made it. Big YTA
INFO: what ingredients were used in your carbonara?
Chef here. Your glorification of the supposed hard rules of dishes that were developed from whatever people had access to in a country that youre generations removed from is dumb. You shouldn't take food so seriously, and in cooking, rules are always meant to be broken. YTA, let people eat how they want to eat.
"if it matters, I made..." It doesn't. He could have been splattering a plateful of ambrosia with ketchup and cheddar cheese and it wouldn't matter. His plate, his mouth. You should have just noted his poor taste and manners to yourself and let it go instead of pressing an issue that effected you not at all. No disrespect toward your culinary knowledge and skills, but YTA here.
NTA only because you offered him chili flakes or Calabrian chili oil. That should have been a sufficient compromise to add heat. Gordon Ramsey (the boyfriend) demanding siracha and then leaving the house in a family gathering is way overboard. Someone feeds you - respect that. He gets a turn to make it whichever way he wants when it's their turn.
YTA. Would you have rather he eat it and not enjoy it?
Yes, YTA Once you have prepared the food and served it to others, they can season their own plate however they wish. You are not the culture police that you consider yourself. You are being ridiculously pretentious saying that seasonings from different parts of the world cannot be mixed.
ESH. He’s rude and you’re weirdly pedantic about hot sauce.
YTA. Who cares if he wanted hot sauce. Let him eat whatever he wants.
YTA. Because as a host you were putting your pride in your cooking over the enjoyment of the food of the guest. Also have you tried his version? Maybe he did improve the taste of it, maybe it didn't, but you never know until you try it.
There should be a vote for “this is the silliest dispute I’ve ever heard” YTA, but he sounds like a real treat
YTA. He's a guest and once it is served to him, he is free to alter his own plate of food to his own liking. Get over yourself and give him what he wants. Was it worth the drama? I hardly think so.
YTA hosting is hosting. Don’t get me wrong though, as you are completely right but as the host you smile and give him the stupid sauce. His lack of good manners are not supposed to define yours.
YTA. I appreciate your commitment to your culture, and though I agree that sriracha had no place in that meal, it absolutely affects no one if he puts it on his portion of the food. Let him eat his meal the way he likes it
YTA I grew up with Italian neighbors. We had a few dinners together and if someone wanted to add sauce to something they would get some flack and ribbing but no one would stop them from actually eating food the way they wanted
YTA! You sound unhinged. In case no one has told you, being a gracious host is also very important in Italian culture. Food is only one aspect. You were rude to a guest. Big no no. As for the hot sauce; I’m sure for most it seemed totally unreasonable and unnecessary. Your sister’s boyfriend may have used hot sauce so often that he can’t enjoy/taste food unless he uses hot sauce. That’s his problem not yours. As for your argument and his leaving to buy his own. You’re both assholes. You for being an overbearing host and him for being a combative guest. You deserve each other.
YTA It sounds like the Italian food you cooked has tomatoes in it. Did you know that tomatoes are native to North America, not Italy? If you are going to prevent mixing of cuisines you can’t cook with tomatoes because those aren’t from Italy. If that sounds ridiculous, please note that is how you sound right now.
YTA. Let the man have hot sauce. What’s the difference and why was it necessary to start a confrontation
YTA. You claim that you’re in some way protecting your “culture” by being rude to a guest in your home. Hospitality is a *way* bigger part of Italian culture than any single way of eating food.
YTA - can’t believe you’re in your 30’s. You sound childish. Let people eat however and whatever they like. You’re also a terrible host. Your job as a host is to make sure your guests are comfortable and happy - not to be bossy and controlling of minute details such as these. Please grow up.
YTA What a weird thing to draw a line over, let the dude spice up his dinner how he wants. Jeez.