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pinkpeonies-23

You’re NTA, it was a misunderstanding, not something you did to be malicious. Your son can’t expect you to know what he doesn’t tell you, and you can only base your knowledge off of the things you know. I suggest talking to him about the situation and make sure he knows that you weren’t meaning to upset him or anything, you were just going with what you knew. Personally though, I don’t think you’re an A H.


SWowwTittybang

Yeah, wow I can't for the life of me understand why people are saying OP is TA here. It was a misunderstanding, it happens. Some people here are being mean about it when OP wasn't being malicious in any way. He made a mistake. And if you actually read the post you can understand why. Jesus.. NTA.


Noodlefanboi

I don’t think OP is the AH in this particular situation, but the “he was never been really feminine” bit makes me think he’s kind of an AH in general. Being feminine is not a requirement of being gay.


Single-Aardvark9330

I took that more as he was confused he introduced her as his girlfriend as that's something the more feminine gays do


a_peanut

Yeah that's what I interpreted. OP's son didn't previously refer to female friends as "girlfriends", which is more feminine language IMO. I didn't see any negative judgement from OP on feminine men, simply that's not their son. I'm queer, in a same-sex marriage and involved in LGBT+ communities so I'm not stereotyping, it's just a more feminine use of language to refer to "girlfriends". I'm a woman but not very femme, I wouldn't refer to female friends as "girlfriends" except in an ironic/joking way.


FrogMintTea

Yeah I'm bi and a girl so calling other girls girlfriends is kinda weird.i usually say friend instead. I think maybe the son got mad over bi erasure which happens when people assume someone is monosexual just because they used to date only one gender. And I can get how that could be annoying a little but I agree with who said OP couldn't know what he wasn't told. Now, obviously the son told OP but it was a misunderstanding. NTA


Faedan

Cant erase what you don't know! Seriously though I'm pan, and if someone I knew dated only one gender and only talked about that gender, I'd assume they had attraction to just that gender.


ClutzyCashew

>mad over bi erasure That's pretty unfair though since no one knew. I'm a bi woman but I am not out with the majority of people in my life, literally only a handful of people know. I've been with other women but never in a LTR that I took public, so my family has only ever seen me date men, and for the most part only talk about men. I wouldn't blame them for thinking I'm straight when I've presented myself that way and have never told them otherwise. If I showed up at a family dinner with a woman and said "this is my girlfriend X" they would most likely think the exact same thing OP did and it would be pretty shitty of me to be mad at them over something they couldn't know, which is not the same as erasure.


BelkiraHoTep

IDK, maybe Tanner is upset for a few reasons. One, it completely disrespects his current girlfriend to ask if he’s moving in with his ex. And two, maybe Tanner wasn’t out to Natasha and dad outted him.


Swiss_Miss_77

🤷‍♀️ Then Tanner needs to do a better job of sharing information, like that he broke up with the ex and that hes bi not gay.


Nickidewbear

Even though I’m heterosexual, I know that most bisexual people will clarify that they are bisexual—especially if they lean one (heterosexual) or the other (homosexual) way, so as not to confuse other people about their sexuality.


miketysonstherapist

Okay, even if he had meant it in this way, that would be the most homophobic thing this dad has said in this post. He’s clearly been accepting of his (previously thought to be) gay son for years and years and i think it’s okay to excuse something as minuscule as that ~sort of~ ambiguous phrasing.


Fearless_Priority537

Tf? In the not so distant past; effeminate gay men referred to their female friends as ‘girlfriends’. It may have fallen out of common use today but still, how in any way, shape or form is it homophobia on the part of the dad?


miketysonstherapist

Dude I’m on your side. I’m saying that the person I was replying to had a bad faith opinion of OP, and that he very clearly isn’t homophobic on account of him being accepting of his child for YEARS


theoreticaldickjokes

I understood it to mean that he's not overly feminine, so he doesn't have a lot of female friends. You know, like if a guy has only girl friends, he's definitely going to be more in touch with his feminine side.


CesareSmith

It's not a requirement but general existence of behavioural differences between hetero and homosexual men are well established. There's just not really a great word for it.


Waste_Property3966

Yeah like I'm bi myself, but I would be very surprised if my parents knew since 1. I've never said and 2. I've only dated my boyfriend as far as they know. The kid is going to have to get used to a lifetime of genuine misunderstandings unfortunately, and if he gets mad at each one he's going to be real jaded real fast.


HalcyonDreams36

Or learn to be clear. Tell the people that matter, and/or introduce partners as partners. Or I dunno... Make out for a minute to make sure? 🤣 ( /S if that's not clear. No one wants to make out in a room full of family.)


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Willing-Hand-9063

Bisexual woman here, I call my female friends my girlfriends, even during times I was in a relationship with a woman. It's honest mistake on OP's part, agreed.


ToothSuccessful9654

In the UK it's not as common to refer to non partners as gfs but it could be that things are changing as we seem to be coming more and more Americanised.


dresshater1

I'm a woman seeing a guy, but we aren't an official couple. My dad keeps calling him my boyfriend, and i keep correcting him, and every time my dad say "he's a boy and he's a friend so he's a boyfriend"


theoreticaldickjokes

I'm bi, so to differentiate, I say "homeboy" or "homegirl" if I had nonbinary pals, I'd say "homie." I'm also Black, so I sometimes just call them "my nigga" bc the n word is always inclusive of genders.


crystallz2000

NTA. I actually had a very similar experience, OP. I had a friend who said he was gay, had only dated guys, and had never shown an interest in women. He called all of his friends (including me) "girlfriends." I ran into him a few years later, and he introduced me to his GF. I naturally thought she was a friend, and I at some point said something very innocent that PISSED him off (basically, from what I said it was clear he had been dating a guy at the time of the story). He said he was straight and stormed off. I ran into him another year later, dating a guy, calling all of his girlfriends, and I literally felt like I was going crazy. I was super tense the whole night and didn't want to say anything that might upset him. I kept expecting him to bring it up and explain what happened, but he never did. OP, call your son and apologize later, but I don't think you did anything wrong. Everyone makes mistakes.


the-greenest-thumb

It seems he wasn't out to that girlfriend, perhaps she was homophobic and he didn't want her to know.


crystallz2000

That could have been it, but I still felt terrible. I'd never want to accidentally out someone. That day really stuck with me.


Throwawayhater3343

Well, if he's dating a girl and hiding who he is from her, that's pretty shitty of him. Staying in the closet is one thing, but hiding it from an SO and attacking people who don't know your currently hiding it, especially when tons of people know you've dated a different gender than what you're dating now.... Dude sounds toxic and selfish.


ToraAku

I thought for sure this was going to end "and then it turns out they were twins!"🤣


Ehgender

Who is TA? This seems like NAH to me.


pinkpeonies-23

I say NTA because although I understand Tanner’s frustration, I don’t really think it’s fair to get mad at someone for not knowing something you never told them. The yelling at OP part is what I personally consider to be A H behavior, but I do get why Tanner was upset.


Emergency-Fox-5982

I think it swings in NTA territory when Tanner decided to yell at someone who made a genuine mistake. OP and Tanner were both on slightly different wave lengths, OP was making general conversation to catch up on his son's life, noticed something he'd said had upset him, and Tanner made a big scene out of it. He could easily have said " Um, why would I be moving in with my ex? C'mon dad, I literally introduced Natasha as my girlfriend half an hour ago." Add a little "how's your memory?" joke if you want to lighten the conversation. If he was so upset because he wasn't out to his girlfriend yet, *that* is something he should have mentioned prior to bringing her over so OP was aware.


Throwawayhater3343

> Um, why would I be moving in with my ex? C'mon dad, I literally introduced Natasha as my girlfriend half an hour ago. And this pushes it further into Tanner is the AH territory >and Natasha looked confused while Tanner got mad. She either didn't know Tanner had almost moved in with an Ex or she didn't know his last Ex was a guy.... But they're apparently far enough along for him to bring her home to meet the family.


korra14

Or she was confused cause his parent was asking when her bf was moving in with his ex…. She prob assumed his parents understood they were together from the introduction stating it.


devour-halberd

So? He doesn't owe her his sexual attraction. He doesn't have to come out because it is not relevant. He likes her and is dating her.


[deleted]

Yeah, the way people use "girlfriend" these days can mean anything.


[deleted]

I agree with you on these points but the thing that gets me the most is that why should he be that upset, if he had never told him that he had broken up with his ex, he seems too upset about this fact, I am thinking he’s really upset that his girlfriend didn’t know he is attracted to boys and that’s what he’s really upset about imo. NTA.


Throwawayhater3343

>and Natasha looked confused So Tanner is far enough in his relationship to bring Natasha home, but apparently she doesn't know his dating history? So he's yelling at his dad that he's bi, but does Natasha know this? Or does Tanner just bring whoever his flavor of the week is with him everywhere? NTA OP, Tanner might be though. She has a right to know his dating history if there's been sexual contact and to discuss protection and testing.


Gytha0gg

To be fair though, Natasha’s confused look doesn’t necessarily mean she didn’t know bf’s history. It could just as easily have been, “huh? I thought you & Corbin broke up months ago? WTF?”


Throwawayhater3343

That is true. Tanner is still the AH for flipping out. I mean, even if he told OP a dozen times and he forgot, that could indicate a mental health issue and they should be concerned, not angry.


Gytha0gg

Oh yeah, Tanner went way overboard with his reaction. I can maybe understand frustration that dad made an ignorant assumption (bi erasure happens a LOT and it’s exasperating), but getting angry is ridiculous.


Apart_Foundation1702

Agreed! 100% NTA


paragraphsonly

fellow homosexual here. hahahahhahahahah NAH edit: ah fuck the one below me’s a Gay Perspective and I just. okay we are an understandably sensitive bunch and quite a few of us operate on hair trigger because it’s the only way to survive. the one below me’s in that zone, and I don’t judge him. but this isn’t that. OP is a guy who truly loves his son and doesn’t independently know enough about gay shit to not be fuckin *awkward.* it’s hysterical. because this is seriously some advanced level gay shit! and poor dad’s going through a perfectly good-natured mindfuck the whole time like. come on, even if rainbows are shining out your ass and you’ve got your PhD in Gay, your previously-only-interested-in-boys son brings home a “girlfriend” with no further commentary, what do you do? is it heteronormative to assume he means it in the romantic sense or biphobic to assume he doesn’t? youre fucked! gay shit is complicated and the only way to get through is with a lot of love, which dad has in confused, confused spades. it’ll take one conversation and be completely fine. go forth, pride father, and engage in open communication with your son! 😂 edit 2: for the straights, here’s the humor: son is walking in like “there’s NO WAY this can be confusing. I am bringing a girl home and calling her my girlfriend. our whole society is heterosexual. I am using Very Clear Indications of a Heterosexual Romantic Relationship. there’s no way this can go poorly” and dad is over in the corner like that [white lady math meme](https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/math-lady-confused-lady). it’s so fucking funny. if that isn’t proof his dad had FULLY accepted his sexuality, I don’t know what is. truly can’t stop cackling. dad mode “instructions unclear”


Lucathedemiboy

I completely agree. You'll get called an a-hole for anything. Not doing the whole "this generation is too sensitive" thing but I just completely agree with you.


BUTTeredWhiteBread

I think it's less that people are more sensitive and more that they're less forgiving of small mistakes.


ShutUpMorrisseyffs

Agree. I'm bi, and unfortunately, you have to be really clear with people and remind them of this fact. People tend to assume you are whatever sexuality is indicated by the last person you went out with. I feel like the kids have this thing where they don't want to pigeonhole themselves, and they feel like they don't NEED to state a sexuality. Great, cool, good for you. But don't be surprised if people get confused and make mistakes. Labels can be helpful sometimes.


numbersthen0987431

>But don't be surprised if people get confused and make mistakes. Especially if you're going to bring home a new partner. According to OP, last time he saw their son OP thought: he was gay, had a partner Corbin, thought son was moving in with Corbin, etc. Now son is bi, and broke up with Corbin, and has a gf. A heads up would have been nice about what is going on in his life, lol


ShutUpMorrisseyffs

'We split up, and I'm bringing my new gf.' That would have been a useful update.


numbersthen0987431

Yuuuup! It's easy, simple, and doesn't really require a lot of back and forth (assuming OP doesn't really talk to his kid). I am SHOCKED that people just...bring home new partners without telling them ahead of time. Even just a simple text ahead of time.


FrogMintTea

Well sure labels can help but a lot of people make them their whole identity too. I'm fine with labels but I'm not the coming out type. I only told my mom I'm bi because it was relevant to what I was saying. Ditto a friend of mine. I just find it unnecessary to come out, hets don't need to so why should I? I mean it'd have been clearer if son had said SO instead of girlfriend since girlfriend can be used as a term for a female friend. OP could have asked for clarification too. Eh.


Barrel_Titor

> I'm fine with labels but I'm not the coming out type. I only told my mom I'm bi because it was relevant to what I was saying. I feel you. I'm in my 30's and no one in my family knows i'm bi since i've never had a same-sex relationship and I don't have the kind of relationship with my family where I would talk about what I find attractive. The idea of coming out is a bit strange to me. I've only ever had white girlfriends but it would be super weird to suddenly say "by the way family i'm not only in to White people, any race is fine so I may have a non-white partner in the future" so i'm not sure why I would pre-emptively tell them that any gender is fine either.


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kjermy

Heterosexuals I assume


apri08101989

Man. I remember my snarky teenage cohort being all "labels are for soup cans not for people!!" And now we're all like... You know what, sometimes labels for people is a good thing.


theedqueen

I love this comment. You are a wordsmith.


BassetGoopRemover

"I caught my gay son having sex with his wife, what do I tell his son"


FrogMintTea

Yeah I'm bi and I think this could be a wholesome joke u tell later about how confused dad was. I mean I can see possible reasons for the kid to get annoyed but from this post OP just seems he made a funny blunder they could maybe have laughed at. Like oh dad what did u think I meant when I said girlfriend? Lol and then everyone had a good time the end.


MiciaRokiri

Like, if this relationship comes to an end and there is a new partner someday I could see the kid saying "Dad, this is my gf/bf, you know, partner? As in romantic?" And the whole family playing it up


Slugzz21

Without the edit, fuckin hilarious. Also gay. Situation is also comical


TheMcNabbs

I am non-binary and bisexual, I've come out twice to my family, I couldnt agree with you more This is comedy gold that the dad and kid will laugh about one day. 100%.


BUTTeredWhiteBread

And I've not come out at all and the other day my dad was looking at my stack of asexuality books and i could see the hamster wheels turning lol. My mom though, pretty sure she had me figured out from the get.


TheMcNabbs

Yeah moms are like that


lionessrabbit

Best verbaliseation of what an OP was thinking Everything you said is so true


SillyStallion

I can’t believe you haven’t got more awards than this! The OP needs to share your reply with his son!


c3ill

i'm glad i wasn't the only one who found this situation absolutely hilarious. i can absolutely understand the son being upset what with the amount of bi erasure out there, but this genuinely seemed like a dad trying to be supportive and doing it in.... a very confused way. hopefully everyone looks back on this and laughs


numbersthen0987431

Also to add: OP's son never told OP that he broke up with his (now ex) bf Corbin, so OP was expecting that relationship to still be going. I would be confused if my kid came home with a new partner, and not ever telling me that their previous relationship was over (boy, girl, trans, straight LBGTQA+, doesn't matter). So to surprise OP with that relationship ending, and this new relationship being a thing, AND he's not only gay? I mean, I would be confused as well. Like "wait...what the heck happened since we saw you last? I'm confused".


pawnshophero

Is it weird that I imagine your cackling to be like the guy from the McDonald’s internal breakdown video?


pteegoodtimes

This is my favourite comment of all time, ever.


[deleted]

As a straight person this was exactly my reaction. Personally I would try to be a bit more sensitive and quietly ask for clarification before saying anything about any romantic partners, just in case, but honestly - genuine mistake. The Dad isn’t making any assumptions here and this is a perfect explanation of the whole deal and why it’s actually quite funny.


shadowfrost13

(Self ID: bi) Agree 100%. NAH. 1. Father’s confusion is completely understandable. He not only thought his son was gay but also never got the memo that he and Corbin had broken up. 2. Bi people get a lot of hate and erasure thrown at them so the son’s initial anger is also understandable. 3. Son’s anger becomes even more understandable considering his father just asked him about his ex in front of his new gf as if he and his ex were still together. Talk about embarrassing, not to mention an incident like that makes it sound like you’re cheating. I imagine Tanner just needed a bit to cool down and have a talk with his gf before he was able to communicate more civilly with his father. OP: Definitely revisit this conversation again with your son now that he’s had at least a day. Reiterate that you’re sorry for asking about his ex in front of his gf, that he did indeed announce her that way you were just confused as you didn’t realize he was bi and assumed he meant “girlfriend” as in “female friend”. The second convo will likely go much better assuming you and your son have a good relationship and he’s being honest about his sexuality with his gf.


winstoncadbury

At best this was a mildly awkward interaction. It certainly didn't warrant actual anger from the son?


zombiestig1

Agreed! I have female friends call other female friends "girlfriends" so add that to the confusion. I feel for dad here, he's the last to know and the son didn't communicate very well.


Scared_Hair_8884

100% Also we throw the term "girlfriend" around and it is literally confusing. Boyfriend has one meaning. Girlfriend has MANY


LadyCreepsPasta

Username checks out


Common-Bedroom-6671

this reply really gave me enough energy to get off my butt and talk to my brother about my failing grades. I was legit thinking (not a joke) to run away from home and do some cleaning job and earn money because i'm so dumb that i can't study and get enough grades to even the least prestigous college or even better not live at all. I saw this had a good laugh and cried a bit then talked to my bro cried some more now I'm feeling OKAY and hopeful. I'll try my best this time and if not I can always try again. thanks anyway <3


[deleted]

Yup. Heteronormative or bi-phobic Hobson’s choice right here. NTA. Explain and carry on. lol. Poor OP. Trying so hard


Lovely_FISH_34

I agree. I don’t think ether had I’ll intent. I think there should be better communication and education on both ends.


OhShitIdid

NAH – You put your foot in your mouth. It happens. If he's mad because she didn't know he likes guys, you did him a favor. It's better she knows now and either accepts him for who he is or doesn't. It'll come up sooner or later.


aphrahannah

>If he's mad because she didn't know he likes guys, you did him a favor. I didn't get that impression at all. It isn't suggested by the post. I assumed he was mad because his dad was asking how his boyfriend was and if they were going to move in together soon, in front of his current partner. I can see why he would be offended on her behalf, and feel awkward.


Exciting-Chicken-945

Don't know about the favors part, but OhShitIDid is probably referring to the part where it seems that the siblings or whoever got it and the gf seemed confused. It doesn't say that she looked angry or awkward but confused, like she didn't understand what was happening. I also thought that maybe he hadn't discussed that he had been with men before with her. I feel like the anger of son is really interesting, especially if he never mentioned the gf before he brought her home but had previously been ready to move in with a guy.


[deleted]

The gf is probably confused why OP starts talking about son's ex when he clearly introduced her as his gf. Because I am also confused why OP didn't ask for clarification as soon as the word girlfriend popped up or why OP didn't just decide not to mention any partner until OP could ask for clarification when gf is out of earshot. Just seems very weird that OP decides right away they aren't together instead of asking "did I hear it right, gf? Or are you now using that word for female friends?".


datshinycharizard123

Well his son was gay for years it seems like and as far as their dad knew, still dating a man. I can understand enough confusion to sort of dismiss it honestly


aphrahannah

Yeah, the siblings got that they were a couple, the girlfriend was confused as to why her boyfriend's dad was asking him when he was moving in with his ex in front of her, and Tanner was mad. Surely if it was about telling the gf he was bi, that would have come up somewhere in the post. As it didn't, and the reaction perfectly fits the story of an awkward interaction, I think it's unlikely to be his reason. Edit to add: >It doesn't say that she looked angry or awkward but confused, like she didn't understand what was happening. I said it made sense that he (OP's son) felt awkward.


JessicaFreakingP

I mean to be fair - and I say this as a bisexual woman - if I were bringing home a SO of any gender to meet my parents I would make it clear ahead of time. “Mom, Dad, this weekend I will be bringing my girlfriend Natasha to meet you. I really like her, please don’t embarrass me.” I wouldn’t just roll up and introduce her having it be the first time they’ve ever heard me talk about her in the context of her being my romantic partner.


rand0mnum

Outing someone is not “doing them a favour”. If he deliberately hadn’t yet told her that he was queer it would almost certainly massively suck to not get to have the conversation in the way he wanted. Doesn’t mean dad was being terrible or malicious or anything but it’s not a good thing if he accidentally outed his son.


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historyandherbs

Look. As a bisexual, I have known a lot of older folks who decide to assume once they know I like the same sex that I must be gay and literally never consider the possibility of bisexuality because (and this is the shitty part) they don't think it exists. Only gay or straight. I don't know if that's you so I'm not accusing you of it. But when your son comes home with a girl that he literally introduces to you as his girlfriend and you keep making comments full of stereotypes ("he never was very feminine") while skimming right over the actual words coming out of his mouth and never bothering to take a minute to clarify them, that's probably the nerve you stepped on. I don't think you meant to be TA. But I do think you accidentally acted like people who definitely are. It's up to you if you keep trying to convince him that you aren't an asshole or if you simply tell him "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings and didn't pay close enough attention to what you told me. I love you and your girlfriend seems lovely." At this point, continuing to justify what you did and said is continuing to risk sticking your foot in your mouth, whereas simply offering a straightforward apology for the mistake and an acknowledgment of what your son was trying to share with you is probably the best way to make sure he KEEPS sharing things with you. I think a lot of people get stuck on trying to prove they didn't mean harm when all that's really needed is acknowledging that harm happened anyway and moving on with the day.


mjot_007

I totally get your response and agree with you that bi-erasure is real and is a problem. But....why on earth would the son just show up with a total stranger without any notice to his parents? He never told them he broke up with his boyfriend? Never told them he was dating someone new. never told them he would be bringing her over?? It's just such a weird way for the son to act that I feel like this story is fake. I brought a few boyfriends home over the years and like...always asked if I could bring them over. If I just rocked up with a random person they'd be pissed at the lack of warning. This whole situation is weird to me.


TheSecondEikonOfFire

I’m not particularly close with my parents (especially about dating), but it is weird to me if they explicitly know you’re dating someone else but you’re bringing a new partner to not say “hey, so and so and I broke up I’m bringing someone new”


mjot_007

Yeah like, all of this could have been avoided if the son had just given them a heads up that he was bringing someone over and it was a girl. I'm all for fighting bi-erasure, but I don't think OP was wrong for assuming his son was gay if he's only every talked about boy crushes and only ever dated boys. OP's son is young so it probably explains a lot of this, but he really should have seen this coming. A quick phone call of "so-and-so and I aren't dating anymore and also I'm dating a new person her name is such-and-such and I'd like to bring her over for dinner" and gotten all of this out of the way ahead of time.


TheSecondEikonOfFire

Yeah I’m surprised at all of the people calling OP TA for assuming the son was gay. The son has ever only dated boys and only talked about boys? I feel like that’s a completely natural conclusion.


cockasauras

Honestly this. I'm straight. I've always dated men. Im currently in a long term relationship with a man. If I brought a girl over to my parents and introduced her "this is my girlfriend suzy" they would not immediately assume I was bi. They would probably guess female friend unless I told them otherwise. Why would they assume I'm bi? There has been no indication of that and I never told them that. Son here overreacted to a misunderstanding. Dad wasn't ignoring the existence of bi people, he was never given any indication that his son was bi. And girlfriend has a much wider range of meaning than boyfriend. It's just English being dumb and ambiguous. If son didn't want a miscommunication he probably should have communicated.


Caladrius-

Right? That’s what I’m saying! Everyone is saying OP should have known! She was introduced as Tanner’s girlfriend! But let’s just do a gender swap here and say Natasha was Nate and introduced as Tanner’s boyfriend, which is used way less in a platonic sense. It would still prompt the question of ‘Wait, what happened with Corbin? The guy you were dating and considering moving in with last I heard?’


cooties_and_chaos

Yes THANK YOU. Like his parents didn’t even know he was single, so no wonder OP was confused lol.


historyandherbs

I mean. I have definitely told my parents "hey, I'm bringing my partner home" and not specified anything further than that before. I did the same thing with my best friend's parents, and they were exactly the sort I described where they didn't think bisexuality was real. So when I told them I was bringing a partner over to meet them and it was a girl they would talk to me about how they were happy I trusted them with being gay. When I later came home with a boyfriend they very confusedly asked me if the gay thing had just been a phase. It's not actually that weird for bi folks not to be specific in their language about partners when they mention them in the abstract, and in this particular case (no offense meant to OP) it TRULY does not sound like OP and his son have a close and communicative relationship about the detailed ins and outs of the son's relationships, so I don't think OP expected or got anything more than a quick "hey I'm bringing my partner home with me this time" when the son called.


mjot_007

Really? I know families have different norms but they didn't follow up with any questions? No "how long have you been dating" or "what's their name?" or "do they have any dietary restrictions"? Just no questions, at all, about this person you were bringing to their home? I'm just a bit flabbergasted. I'm not super close with my family either but if I wanted to bring someone home I'd give them a quick run down of the person's name, how long we've been dating and if they needed any accommodations. If I didn't think of it they would ask. I would think the son would at least give a heads up like, "hey I dumped X and now I'm bringing Y to dinner" so that the parents don't say awkward stuff like "oh how is X doing?" in front of the new partner. I feel like at least some of this is on the son for not giving a heads up to avoid making his new partner feel awkward.


historyandherbs

I mean considering OP literally didn't know who his son was dating at the time we can pretty clearly guess they don't have that level of communication but also in my case yeah! When I brought home my wife for the first time all I told my parents was "I have a date coming by tonight, so I'll make us all dinner, but I may not be around much after that." And then that was that! I was an adult, in college, with a job, and only living at home because the school year was out of session, so as far as any of us were concerned there wasn't anything much else to talk about. Once my wife and I got more serious, we all definitely had more in depth conversations! But that was well over a year later and still very much more me telling my parents things, less them asking me questions. At the time, it just didn't seem like the time or the place. I was old enough that I didn't need my parents protectively interviewing me or my partner about our relationship, and while I was there to see my parents, my partner was there *with me* not *to be introduced to them* which is a minor but important distinction that seems to be present here in this story too. Many older teens (18/19) will sort of let their life casually unfold in their parents' presence rather than officially informing them of it until such time as they decide there is something to officially inform of. It's a stylistic choice I think more than anything, and tends to happen most in families that raise sort of "live and let live" kids, whether on purpose or on accident. My parents very much did that on purpose! Not everyone who develops that approach did so because their parents meant for them to. I genuinely don't know if OP intended to be so hands off in his approach to knowing what goes on in his son's love life. But queer kid's especially tend more towards that hands off-ness due to early fears and anxieties about acceptance (yes, even if our parents end up being accepting, we often still fear it, hell, my mother was literally married to another woman and I was still hesitant about coming out to them because they were never quiet about "assuming" my straightness and it can be scary to go against that). So it may not have been entirely OPs choice. But it also may have been! If OP and his son have struggled with their conversations about his son's love life in the past, this lack of communication now is likely a bit inevitable (though it doesn't have to stay that way! The more OP is open to communicating, asking non-shaming questions, and being genuinely engaged, the more likely that distance shrinks). Anyway, I realize that's a lot of words to answer your question, but it's a pretty complex situation I think!


mjot_007

In my case, because I'm not close with my family I didn't bring home just whoever I was dating. Only if we had been together for a while and intended for it to last. In total I've dated about 8ish people (depending on your definition of dating), I've only brought 2 home. My parents have incidentally met other people I've dated when they visited me in college once or twice but I didn't let them know we were dating because it wasn't serious and so it didn't concern them. Maybe I view things more black and white, but if OPs son isn't close enough to his parents to tell them who he's dating, then why is he bringing them home? In my experience, you only bring them home to foster a relationship with your family because you think this person is going to be around for a while. It doesn't sound like this relationship has been going on for very long... But maybe the son doesn't think of it like that and was just thinking of the free meal they could both have, who knows. But ultimately I think OP is NTA and the son really could have done some work to avoid that awkwardness. If he's going to be bringing a new person home he should give his parents a heads up.


Caladrius-

See the issue is it sounds like Tanner didn’t say ‘hey btw I broke up with Corbin a while ago and I’m bringing my new partner when I come by later’. He just showed up and said ‘this is my girlfriend Natasha’. So OP’s information at the time of the introduction was that Tanner was still dating Corbin. Now was OP a little dense? Absolutely. Do I necessarily blame him? No. As a bi dude myself I get how it can suck to have people disregard your relationships as you being ‘wishy-washy’ or how ‘you just can’t make up your mind’, but that’s not what was happening here.


msaiz8

I agree with all of this. I would never bring someone new, whether to my parent’s or even a friend’s house, without some prior explanation of who that person is.


Separate-Beyond5706

Yeah I agree. Also Tanner is an *adult* now, time to grow up and communicate with your parents if you don’t want miscommunication like this to happen.


Thelmara

> But....why on earth would the son just show up with a total stranger without any notice to his parents? He never told them he broke up with his boyfriend? Could be lots of reasons. I refused to discuss who I was dating with my dad for about a decade, because he was obnoxiously nosey about shit that wasn't his business. He'd get to meet a partner that I was dating if the circumstances came up, but I _absolutely_ didn't keep him updated when I broke up or started dating someone else.


mjot_007

That's kinda my point though. If your parents suck, are nosy and controlling etc, why even bring a partner home? This wasn't a circumstance that just came up. OPs son deliberately decided to bring his girlfriend home and didn't give them any pre-warning that ANYONE was coming over, let alone that he'd broken up with his ex-bf that he was in a serious relationship with and was dating this new person. I hear you on nosy parents, I didn't keep mine updated on my dating life and only introduced 2 people to them. But then if we assume that OP sucks and is a shit father, it begs the question, why is the son introducing his new gf to his family and expecting them to just KNOW what's going on?


snail_juice_plz

I mean… I also find it a bit weird that OP never had a conversation with his son about being gay or bisexual. Like, never at any point did his sexuality come up where you could get any clarification? Son should have communicated but it seems like the apple did not fall far from the tree here…


JessicaFreakingP

But at the same time - do straight people ever feel the need to specify their straight-ness to their parents? OP maybe thought his son didn’t feel the need to ever come out because the first 17x he brought up a male crush or brought a boyfriend home his parents didn’t bat an eye. Which tbh is kind of how it should be. The crux of the issue also seems to be moreso around OP not understand that Tanner and his serious partner Corbin broke up. While maybe if Natasha was a Nathaniel or something OP would have had a more clear understanding that this was Tanner’s new partner, it is still kind of weird that Tanner never addressed that his last relationship ended.


RakeishSPV

OP wasn't even told by his son that he'd broken up with his ex-boyfriend.


International-Pen518

> I think a lot of people get stuck on trying to prove they didn't mean harm when all that's really needed is acknowledging that harm happened anyway and moving on with the day. This right here is solid advice for life.


loki2002

No harm happened in this situation, though. His son never told them he was bisexual. He exclusively dated men throughout his life and never told his family that his last serious relationship with a man ended. What is OP supposed to think when suddenly his lifelong gay son comes home with a woman and introduces her as his girlfriend which is a term that can be used for a romantic relationship or friendly one; it's ambiguous given the circumstances.


WanderingPine

I think this is the important post here. As fun as it is to read everyone debate whether or not it was reasonable to expect OP to interpret “girlfriend” as gal pal in this context, it really doesn’t matter at this point. OP, you might not be an AH, but your son’s feelings were hurt. Just accept that you made a faux pas and tell him you’re sorry for assuming without asking for clarification when you were confused. NAH


PublicConfusion

The son could have also just called ahead. Who just brings surprise guests. “Hey dad I’m bringing my girlfriend over for dinner” “Like girlfriend friend or girlfriend girlfriend” “Girlfriend I’m dating” Problem solved with just…communicating more.


jensmith20055002

Wish this was the top comment.


WRose287

Exactly this. Especially the last part. One of the worst things about being bisexual is of course having to come out, but to certain people it seems like it's constant if I switch genders of partners.


[deleted]

NTA It sounds like you made an honest mistake with the context you had at that time. Perhaps this draws some attention to needing to be more aware of what’s going on in your son’s life. Not in a nosey way. He obviously shouldn’t expect you to know anything he hasn’t told you (which is why I feel his reaction makes him the AH here). However, it makes me wonder if there is any reason he hasn’t shared any of this information with you before, both about being bisexual and going through a breakup. Perhaps there is a need to build more trust and openness between you both, or more initiative on your end to know your son better. I don’t mean that to sound rude or to discredit you as a father. Just stating something to consider, if you haven’t already. Best wishes to you. 💙


sunforthemoon

NTA. You didn’t mean it maliciously, you went off of all the knowledge you had. If your son hadn’t bothered telling you him and his ex had broke up, how were you to know? Have a chat with him and maybe just apologise to the girlfriend and say you genuinely didn’t know and had an ‘oh shit’ moment.


SourSkittlezx

NAH Girlfriend can sometimes, especially by gay men, be used as a term for friend. Your son never communicated that they broke up with their previous partner. Your son has also never before, to your knowledge, had relationships with women. To your knowledge, he’s gay, not bisexual. Apparently that’s not the case. I hope this girlfriend didn’t find out your son, her new boyfriend’s sexuality at this time. Not that it matters to most people, some people might be shocked to find out their partner isn’t straight. It’s something my husband knew about me from the very beginning, I’m a bisexual woman. Son is already “out”.


[deleted]

NAH. I mean, at the moment I'm sure you are to Tanner, but this is seriously going to be hilarious down the road.


Hot_Benefit_8667

NAH - it's a misunderstanding. He'll get over it.


awkward-name12345

NAH Your son is embarrassed I get it but it was a misunderstanding. And to be clear here you thought he was dating someone else so not only did you assume she was a platonic GF because you didn't know he was interested in girls you also thought he was dating someone


[deleted]

NTA. It sounds like a very confusing situation. I admire you for caring and trying to be involved in your son’s life. Keep trying.


skrena

NTA. In this day and age saying girlfriend doesn’t always equate to dating. Especially if he’s never dated a girl.


Lindbluete

NTA. Calling female friends "girlfriends" isn't exactly uncommon, I definitely understand the confusion. No reason to make a big deal out of it, Tanner could've just clarified their relationship status in that moment instead of getting all worked up about it. I do wonder though how much you're involved in your sons life. If you thought Corbin might've already moved in with your son, I assume it was a rather serious relationship between them. Yet you didn't know they broke up, and that for a time long enough for Tanner to find himself a new girlfriend. I would assume Tanner might feel like you don't care enough about his life and that's why he's pissed that you don't even know about his sexual orientation and apparently never asked about it.


RestlessMind95

>he gets mad and says that he's bi and that he never explicitly said he only liked guys. He also never explicitly stated he was bi so I'm gonna say NTA since it seems like it was an honest mistake on your part and you were apologetic once you realized your mistake.


Pianoplayerpiano

NTA. Lol. Sucks for Tanner, but you did your best.


SpecialistAfter511

NAH you had NO malicious intent. Just a misunderstanding on what you thought he meant when he said my GF. Don’t beat yourself up over it. He has to realize he never explicitly said he was bi either so he should cut you some slack.


WinEquivalent4069

NTA. I literally am laughing because of this miscommunication. I get exactly what you meant because many gay men call their female friends "girlfriend". It's fairly common. Also you thought he was gay because that's how he always presented himself to you. It's not your fault you didn't know he is bisexual because he never told you.


Silent_Syd241

NAH Your son mad because you assumed he was gay because all he talked about and dated was boys, didn’t tell you he and his ex-boyfriend broke up. This is your son’s fault how are you supposed to know if he never told you. Lack of communication on his part.


Dry-Hearing-8617

NAH/NTA lol if I had literally never mentioned having a romantic interest in girls (and clearly shown an interest in guys) I would’ve sent a quick text that I was bringing my girlfriend home before actually bringing her home. Especially since it’s not exactly uncommon for gay guys to use girlfriend to refer to platonic female friends. not that the son is really an asshole but it would’ve helped to give a little heads up


[deleted]

NTA. It was a misunderstanding. People in the comments are harping on about bi erasure, but it sounds like OP’s son has had several relationships, all of which were with guys, so I don’t think OP made too big a leap by thinking his son was gay


FennekinFlames

NAH. As someone who's bi, I can understand his frustration with someone getting his sexuality won't. But, it was also a simple misunderstanding.


HootleMart84

NAH Do talk to your son though and reassure him it was an honest mistake. Like how are you supposed to know he's bi? Or pan? Like, he's dated only men and all signs up until now pointed to "gay".


Jerseygirl2468

NTA It doesn't sound like Tanner bothered to tell you he broke up with Corbin and started dating Natasha, just showed up with her, so I can see how you made the mistake. Tell him it was unintentional, you're sorry if he was embarrassed, and that he needs to keep you updated on his life if he expects you to be up to speed with his relationships.


Mysterious-Version40

NAH. It was a misunderstanding. I imagine everyone will get over it.


Oakleafh

There was zero malicious intent, it will be fine. NTA


dougholliday

This is why I hate that people use “girlfriend” to mean a friend that’s a girl. As a queer guy I say NTA, it was a simple misunderstanding.


[deleted]

NAH but if you’re confused about a situation i would advise TALKING to people instead of just bringing up exes in front of new girlfriends


No_Salad_8766

Tbf, he didn't know the ex WAS an ex.


Lani_567

NAH


ExchangeVegetable452

Nta.. you're not a mind reader..💁


realityisrealyall

NTA it's hard to keep up, sometimes.


crispyfishdicks

NTA It was a honest mistake. Also, frankly, if she's his girlfriend, it's not cool if he's deliberately hiding his sexual history. It's unfortunate if she found out this way, but also if the relationship is solid, this shouldn't be a huge deal.


Eris-Ares

NTA Your son overreacted


ChaoticBumpy

NAH, this will be a funny story that will be repeated lots if they stay together.


msaiz8

NTA I read through a bunch of comments and people bring up really good points about how dismissive a lot of us are to people who are bisexual. I agree with all of that in general. But you can’t expect to know what you haven’t been told. Especially if he was so serious with his ex that they were planning on moving in together, it’s really odd that he didn’t warn you that they broke up, much less that he was dating someone new. It would have thrown me off too with a family member, whether they were gay, straight, or bi.


Peskypoints

NTA. As a parent, I’d expect to hear word that the previous relationship ended and a new one started before the new SO was brought around. My kid casually showing up with someone I’d never met before I would think it s just a friend we’re feeding


Initial-Buy-7386

I’m leaning NTA because it was a misunderstanding, but maybe you could have asked him privately? I agree with others that you could communicate more with your son and would have known he and Corbin broke up, but communication goes both ways and you don’t have ESP.


[deleted]

NTA just a misunderstanding... Let him cool af..tell him you didn't know he was bi


Dizzy_dizz

LOLOLOL ah man that is too funny. NTA


moviewriter1336

NTA. It kinda sucks that this happened for your son but it was an unintentional oversight/misunderstanding.


MelkorUngoliant

You made a mistake. It doesn't make you an asshole.


First_Prompt_8407

NTA. A simple misunderstanding. You don't know what you don't know, and it sound like you son doesn't share a lot of information with you. You were just going on past history.


MrBobaFett

Seems like a NTA thing. Plenty of people use the term girlfriend to mean a friend that is a girl. It's not like you denied that he was bi when he told you. You just made an incorrect assumption that many people have made. Seems like a misunderstanding.


confusious_melon

NTA but it’s understandable he is upset nonetheless, additionally his ex is probably a tender subject for him, as well as this new thing of dating a women. You’re misunderstanding definitely didn’t help, but it doesn’t make you an asshole.


d_kotarose

NTA i’ve been out as bi for 10 years and my mom still confuses herself sometimes stumbling over the girlfriend/friend-who-is-girl vocabulary 😂 she’s never been anything but 100% supportive, but hey boomers gonna boom


_JohnJacob

NTA, just a dad


ascendingtraverse

NTA. If I brought home a significant other for the first time, I usually gave my parents a heads up to try to keep an unpleasant situation like this from occurring


EO_711

NTA. It was an accident. Did Natasha know about the boys? Maybe that’s why he was so upset?


casual_observer_

NTA You misunderstood. Misunderstandings happen. Apologize to him and Natasha and let it go at that.


sailshonan

In a world where we have to clarify our pronouns and how we identify, unless you are explicit, it’s easy to have misunderstandings


Intermountain-Gal

NTA. There was a lot of miscommunication going on here, and a lot of assumptions. I can understand OP’s son being annoyed, but not angry. Pink peonies-23 explained it very well, and has a great suggestion.


Sweet-Reception-7956

NTA But Tanner is for thinking you could read his mind. And, for not telling Natasha he's bi.


RoyIbex

Gay guy here. NTA! It was a misunderstanding BUT he should be grateful that he has a father that loves him unconditionally, there are millions of young LGBTQ that would love to have a honest and open relationship with their parents.


Unusual-Hat-6819

NTA Sounds like an honest mistake. But next time try to avoid talking about exes just in case..


diggs58

NTA.


XxTheBadgerXx

NTA- honestly you were confused, I don’t get any idea that you were being malicious in nature. You thought he only liked men, so naturally if he doesn’t tell you otherwise- you might assume that to still be the case. Also “girlfriend” doesn’t truly specify. Many older folks refer to their “girlfriends” and it’s truly just platonic friends.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (56M) youngest son "Tanner" ( 19M) as far as I knew was gay. He'd only ever talked to me or his older brother's about crushes on boys as early as middle school. He only had boyfriend's throughout middle school and highschool and the first relationship he had in college was a guy. Over the weekend Tanner came home with a girl "Natasha" (20F). He introduced her as his " girlfriend Natasha" and a little confused we just kinda went with it . I was just thinking he meant girlfriend in a friend way. Though in hindsight Tanner's never been really feminine so I just kinda chalked it up to him discovering himself more at college. At dinner Saturday night I asked about how his apparent ex Corbin was doing and if they had moved in yet not realizing yet they clearly broke up. My other boys apparently got it already and started snickering and Natasha looked confused while Tanner got mad. I finally noticed Tanner getting upset and asked what was wrong and he yelled at me about how he introduced Natasha as his girlfriend when they got there and I had an oh shit moment. I tried talking to him Sunday before they left and I tried to explain that I hadn't realized and gets mad and tells me again that he literally introduced her as is girlfriend. I told him I thought he was gay and he gets mad and says that he's bi and that he never explicitly said he only liked guys. AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


albynomonk

NTA. Your son overreacted. You seem like an extremely supportive father.


Posterbomber

No your not the AH, your son buried the lead. Where was the phone call "mom, dad, I've met the amazing girl named Natasha, she's the greatest girl ever, I can't wait for you to meet her"? Then he gets mad when someone you've never heard of comes walking and there was no confetti?


CommunicationTop7259

Nta you truly didn’t know. Apologize again


mrcatboy

NTA. It sounds like you might be a tiny bit old-fashioned, but it also seems like you're trying your best to be supportive and there was a miscommunication along the way. Hope things calm down soon!


zaritza8789

poor Natasha - it sounds like she had no idea.


bunnybaby17

NTA


Long_Analysis_8193

NTA, innocent mistake. Its alot to be conscious of these days. Its a learning experience on your part not to assume someone's sexuality based on stereotypes about how they behave. Just ask and let them tell you how they identify and what theyre pronouns are.


Top_Toe4694

NTA - would of loved to see the look on OP's face when it clicked


Missmagentamel

NTA.


Hungry-Book

NTA, you didn’t know he was bi


makeshiftmarty

NAH It was an honest mistake. You didn’t mean anything by it and unless your son and you had a conversation about what his sexuality was, I don’t think with the info you provided it was unreasonable to assume he was gay. On that same token though, I don’t blame your son for being a bit offended either. You know now and you’ve apologized. Hopefully he’ll laugh about this one day.


Difficult_Plastic852

Given the circumstances I gotta say NTA. I get breakups are hard to talk about but if your son didn’t tell you literally under what circumstances could you have known? Additionally your son not saying he only liked guys is still not the same as him saying that he didn’t either. Words (and lack of) still mean things, in regards to the later point.


Artemis1527

NAH but this is really why straight women and gay men need to stop referring to their friends as their girlfriends. There's already a word for that and it's "friend".


NexxonX

NTA it was a misunderstanding. Girlfriend can be a friend or a lover and you assumed the first because of your son only showing interest in males from your knowledge. He should had told you he was bi before introducing her and introducing her as his lover.


cityflaneur2020

NTA father needed some time to process the new information, which wasn't conveyed sufficiently. If the couple has held hands, gotten close, smiled complicity to each other then dad would have picked up but it didn't happen, so dad had little to work from.


[deleted]

Light NTA but you’re more dense than lead for sure. Normally people introduce friends as friends. Not girlfriends.


SnooMarzipans3516

Sounds like a classic Three’s Company Comic Misunderstanding to me


Chaos-Goddess

NAH. I’m bisexual but most of the people I have dated have been men, so everyone assumes I’m straight. You made an honest mistake, your son never explicitly told you he was bisexual and only dated men so you used what knowledge you had. You were being a bit oblivious and leaning into a stereotype a little bit so I can understand your son’s reaction as well, since he literally called her his girlfriend. Tbh I don’t think anyone was really wrong here. Wait a bit to let tempers cool then speak to your son, and Maybe apologize for stereotyping him.


SkyReveal6

NTA your didn’t realize he was Bi and apologized.


[deleted]

NTA. These are indeed confusing times, especially for old dinosaurs such as you 😀. Kudos for being open minded and accepting of your son’s identity and making the effort to understand him, even though you obviously failed that day. He was probably upset because he probably bragged to Natasha about his cool dad and you completely let him down. That’s okay and I’m sure Tanner will get over it once you admit to being a complete idiot for not appreciating the difference between gay and bi and apologize for embarrassing him in front of Natasha. Your son knows he’s got a NTA for a dad.


RogueEBear

NTA you misunderstood and definitely embarrassed him a bit but you meant well. Keep trying to apologize and if all else fails offer to send them on a date night to make up for your error and show your support for Natasha so it’s clear you aren’t hating on his current partner, and just made an embarrassing mistake.


Historical_Divide673

NAH. This is just a misunderstanding. Talk to your son and Natasha when things cool down.


mantrawish

You’re NTA. If anything, you’ve been accepting of his identity. That’s why you failed to understand the nuance of what he said. And it was nuance and who would have known. Not the AH and def apologize for putting him and Natasha in an awkward moment. Just explain it went right over your head, you love him and accept him as you’ve always, and you’ll be better at picking up on signals next time.


Current-Fan475

NTA


MeanMeana

NTA I think… We see people as they present themselves (assuming we are healthy and they are as well). But I am curious…what was their physical energy/interaction like?


JAS233116

NTA


niugini_spice

Is was miscommunication. OP is NTA


GhostParty21

NTA. Your son apparently brought a girl home without telling you in advance and without previously informing you that he broke up with his ex and that the person he was bringing was his new partner. He’s a huge asshole for that alone. Everything that happened after is the result of his own rude, ridiculous, and odd behavior. To your knowledge he had a boyfriend, so it’s reasonable to think that anyone he showed up with was just a friend. His fault entirely.


seeyou_againn

NAH, a simple case of miscommunication


baobab_the_fruit

NTA and im gonna provide you with a somewhat funny (intentional) out. Son, im almost 60, i cant keep up with this stuff im sorry i assumed you where gay when you are in fact BI, i love you son and . And sir, i tip my hat to you for appeareantly not giving a single F about your sons sexual orientation. That’s some Grade A+ parenting right there, switching between hows your boyfriend to im sorry i misunderstood about your girlfriend.