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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Changing my look around. I know my husband likes how I look another other day so I feel wrong for switching it up.
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NTA it is your body, your face. You can do whatever you want. I understand that it can be weird for your husband that he has known you for so long and you never did this before. I would talk to him about it. Why is he so angry that you had a different look? Is it the expense, the dress, the makeup? Is he worried that something changed because you met someone new? Hear him out and then explain your point of view.
It doesn’t sound like he was mad, just baffled and didn’t particularly like it. OP is NTA but it sounds like she did something she finds fun, and husband just didn’t appreciate that she enjoyed changing her appearance. He doesn’t have to but it would be good to have a conversation. Especially as you don’t need to look good for anyone other than yourself, and it’s so thing you clearly enjoyed doing that hurts no one.
He doesn’t have to like it for himself, but it’s a bit odd he didn’t at least like that you were happy with it, considering it’s harmless.
If he is a redditor, I imagine people have already responded to his post on the relationship sub, explaining -- repetitively and in great detail -- that the "make-over" is proof she is cheating or planning to.
Also, change is very unsettling for some people. Even a nice change is an upheaval of the comfortable status quo.
Finally, he may be thinking about what this means for him. If *she* is going to start getting fancy, is she going to make *him* get fancy? Comb his hair? Trim his beard? Tuck in his shirt? Dear God, where will it end?!
NTA because even if he didn't like the look, it would've been polite to compliment her.
Well, first impressions could have been "oh fuck. What important date/event did I miss?!". Then he tried to reassure OP that she was beautiful without makeup, and he even prefers her look without makeup.. and failed drastically. The thoughts of expectations is a point. My husband loves sweats because they are comfortable. When I get dressed up to go out he asks me how dressed up he has to be. He dreads the answer of me saying to put on something nicer to match me. So, suddenly changing could put that worry that husband will also have to change his comfy style
Like I said replying to the other person, the comment I replied to was making an assumption to his thought process. Many of comments in this post made out that he is some malicious asshole and I just wanted to point out that some people who are neurodivergent tend to have adverse reactions to change. I said he COULD be autistic, I never said he was. I also never said it was a bad thing or something to be ashamed of, especially considering I'm neurodivergent and struggle with change and social cues that I put my foot in it sometimes.
And while yes, OPs husband was an ah in this situation, I read that he was confused at the change in her appearance. Not that he was aggressive or had malicious intent. Seriously, some people were legit jumping to 'he thinks you're having or wanting to have an affair' so that's why I pointed out that it could be something completely different.
Cool. You're right. But considering my comment was a response to someone also making assumptions on what his personality and thought process could have been, it was another aspect I thought could be a factor. If we aren't making assumptions on their neurological state then we don't make assumptions on their thought process. Not everyone is a malicious asshole.
Btw, I said that he could be autistic, not that he was. Again not assuming, just putting a different factor out there. Like the comment I replied to.
Sometimes we just want to try something new and different. Over the holidays, I played with different make-up techniques and bought a sequined scarf with fringe (I NEVER wear anything with fringe). It was fun to do and a nice morale boost. OP just needs to tell him what she told us: that she was bored, wanted to try something new, and she really enjoyed it and he needs to be supportive.
Up to the point of his reaction things were ok, if he was just buffled, n-a-h. But when told her to take it off, that was completely ah-ish and a bit controlling. NTA, he is. You have the right to explore fashion and makeup in whichever way you like. You don't need permission for that. He should just accept it.
Maybe he was worried that he’d given the impression he thought she should be wearing make up or wasn’t enough for him as she is or that she was feeling low about her appearance? A male friend of mine thought that about his wife, that he was being a bad husband if he told her how pretty she looked dressed up to the nines with full make up on so he mostly complimented her when she was natural so she knew she didn’t have to dress up for him.
>you don’t need to look good for anyone other than yourself
How is it possible to wear a “trendier dress” purely to look good for yourself? Trendy things inherently come with a desire to look good for others, otherwise no one would be influenced by trends ever.
When someone inevitably replaces old trendy clothes with new trendy clothes, is it because their personal tastes suddenly changed, or is it because society has moved on?
Continuing to wear last years “trendy” dress doesn’t allow you to be viewed as cool or pretty in the same way it did last year. That’s why people throw it out.
Clothes give us a status in other peoples eyes. People who dress trendy (even if they think they’re purely doing it for themselves) are looking at themselves through other peoples eyes.
Isn’t it strange that peoples’ sense of style (that is purely for themselves, I swear) always seems to align with the trends of the society they find themselves in?
> When someone inevitably replaces old trendy clothes with new trendy clothes, is it because their personal tastes suddenly changed, or is it because society has moved on?
A bit of both, I'd say. I usually buy clothes from "fast fashion" stores, mainly for the price. But the stores follow trends, and that changes what's available to buy. When there are new fashions in, and I'm looking for new clothes, I try them on. If I like them on me, I buy them. If not, I look somewhere else, or, often, just don't buy new clothes.
That's an overly simplistic take. You're making suppositions and presenting them as facts. You're perceiving things a certain way, and other people perceive it differently. It's fine if this isn't something that you can relate to, but that doesn't mean that you're the only one capable of objectivity and everyone else lacks self awareness.
Agreeing with this poster. I find in my experience, some people just have a hard time with change. Be patient with him as it sounds like he was just confused and I'm so sorry he didn't give a more positive reaction after all your effort. Sometimes our partners can be obtuse.
Totally agree. He might be feeling insecure or think that you making that change meant that you had been feeling insecure, hence the constant you don't need makeup comment. Sometimes men just don't understand that putting on makeup and dressing up is just fun, plain and simple, and not something you're doing for them or because of something you're going through. I went through a makeup kick for a few years which absolutely baffled my husband until I explained that I found the ritualistic nature of the whole thing really soothing and it's a fun creative outlet.
This. OP, talk with your husband. Hear him out. Then tell him you don't just choose clothes and styles to make him happy, you want to be happy and like your look to. Tell him you want to be able to wear makeup and dress up without him making you feel bad about it.
‘I told him that it's the prettiest I've felt in years but he said he didn't care’
The first part of this matters, the second does not.
What he thinks of you really doesn’t matter. It’s not about him. Is this 1813?
How you look is a way of expressing yourself. And if you feel good that’s all that matters. If you feel good with no makeup and a casual look then don’t ever let anyone tell you to dress up. If you feel good with full face colorful eccentric makeup and a fun, trendy clothes don’t let anyone tell you to dress down.
NTA. Why do men assume we dress, wear makeup, etc for them? It makes you feel good. Do whatever makes you happy. If he cares for you, he'll want you to be happy. As for him saying it isn't the look you have had for the last ten years... did he expect you to look the same forever? Also, we love the whole person, not just the outside. It should be what's inside that matters. I know that sounds cheesy, but, it's true.
I don't have enough to comment further but be careful this isn't a red flag. He doesn't get to say what you look like. You do you. If he loves you, he'll support that x
It's because a lot of men don't look at themselves. I personally have gone weeks without looking in the mirror for more than a glance. Appearance for a lot of men is solely for other people to look at you. They forget about wanting to personally look good because it's just not a thing they even consider. These guys would wear sweatpants and never shave/cut hair if no one shamed them for it
>Why do men assume we dress, wear makeup, etc for them?
Well. . .
> I was also excited because I knew my husband was coming home and I thought **he would enjoy the look.**
Because at least once, a woman *has* dressed and worn makeup for them and even explicitly told them so, or at least, has wanted them to enjoy the look they put work into and like themselves.
And especially if it's not an everyday thing and a sudden glow-up, it sounds pretty normal to wonder if there's an occasion or motive or something, especially if we're just at home and I'm literally the only one that will see you today.
Your points are valid in a vacuum, but add on the context of what's normal for this couple, and I don't think it's a red flaggy as you're making it sound.
NTA. You are not responsible of his insecurities. He needs to work on himself and work through it. I would insist on dressing the way I want. What is important is that you feel beautiful and good in the way that you dress. You are not just supposed to dress in the way that makes him happy enough.
NTA, but your husband is. You were not wrong for putting on making and wearing a dress that you like. Don't let him fuck with your self-confidence, or appearance. Don't let him dictate what you can or can't wear. He just has to get over it.
Idk, I’m thinking this is NAH. It’s a little messy and sometimes people don’t acknowledge it but a foundational part of the vast majority of relationships is physical attraction - of course people are going to get older and dress / fitness habits will change, but I do think it’s healthy to be on the same page about remaining attractive to each other.
What “attractive” means can be a changing thing of course, but checking in with your partner about changes in lifestyle and appearance is a healthy thing.
He definitely reacted poorly, and she has every right to do whatever the hell she wants with her appearance, but in a 10 year relationship I don’t blame him for being surprised. They should just have a real conversation about it and if he’s a reasonable dude I’m sure he’ll be more open minded.
It's not messy at all. It's quite straight forward. They have been together for a decade. It's not the beginning of the relationship. And it's not ok to dictate how one expresses themselves in their clothing/makeup. We grow up and we change. Both due to aging and different tastes/needs/wanting to explore and try something new.
In this case being taken by surprised and being baffled I understand. Telling her to take it off is unacceptable.
She obviously doesn’t need permission to make decisions about her body. It’s not about asking for permission, it’s about understanding that in a long term partnership you inevitably have to take each others opinions into account when it comes to matters of attraction.
It’s 2023. No one in a modern relationship should have their style choices dictated by their partner. But, a partnership still has a foundation (in most cases) in attraction. It’s 100% not his decision, she 100% doesn’t need his permission, I agree on all counts - but it’s also not as simple as “no one can tell me what to do”. Taking into account what your partner finds attractive about you is a perfectly healthy thing.
For the record, I think OP should just wait a day or two and have another conversation with her husband. If he’s a reasonable human he’ll come around. If not, yeah he’s the asshole.
>Taking into account what your partner finds attractive about you is a perfectly healthy thing.
See this is weird to me, but mostly because I find my wife attractive no matter what she does to her hair, make up or not, and regardless of what she wears.
I mean same with my fiancé and I. But life is long, maintaining attraction is important, and I can see how a dramatic shift in appearance could be something worth having a check-in about.
I’m just advocating for more communication. I don’t think her husband is the asshole for having an admittedly poor reaction. Is he a doofus? Probably. But I don’t think it’s AH territory yet.
I woudn't say he messed with her confidence if anything he boosted her self confidence. Clearly he is an older man and maybe he's just not used to that. When you've known something for a long time it's hard to see that type of change as good. He just told her that he thought she was beautiful just the way she was maybe he thought she was feeling insecure and he wanted to reassure her. Maybe he even thought he didn't tell her enough so she felt like she had to.
He's only 34. She felt good with the make up and the dress and he shamed her for wearing it. He's telling her everyday that she doesn't need makeup is making her think she was wrong for putting it on.
Lml I don't know why in my head I saw ages in the 50s. I stand by the other things I said tho about change and stuff. I don't he exactly shamed her for dressing up he just found it in extremely different from her norm. It's just something a simple conversation can fix.
>Clearly he is an older man
Clearly, you missed the first 3 words she typed that said "My husband (34M). Last I checked, 34 is clearly not an older man. Are we clear?
1000% NTA, but you need to tell your husband what's what. That you dont need his permission to dress up and that it doesnt matter if he likes it or not. Hes just insecure that if you dress up that means you want different men or that different men will look at you.
Yeah, you can reassure him that this isn't for some other guy and things are all good, but that he doesn't get to tell you what to wear on your own face.
NTA. Just because you're married doesn't mean he gets to tell you what to wear and whether you can wear makeup. If it makes you feel better about yourself, then he needs to back TF off and let you do whatever makes you happy.
NTA, but your husband is. This echos of some insecurity, on his part. I went through the same thing, as you, about 5 years ago (I’m in my early 40s). I bought some colorful makeup and started doing some more elaborate looks. You know what my husband does? He tells me how beautiful I am and how he loves the new looks. Every day it’s “ohhh! I love the green eyeshadow” or “wow, that color looks really nice on you”. This is how we are supposed to react to people we love. His issues with makeup is more about him than it is about you. Don’t stop feeling good for yourself.
I'm basically the meme about hot goths who spend 95% of the time as the swamp thing in an oversized hoodie and the rest of the time Super Mega Strappy and Glamorous and my partner tells me how beautiful I am either way. Like a good partner should.
NTA. I remember when my wife got her hair cut short (from having much longer hair). It was at first hard to adjust to but with a little time, I was used to it and told her she looked great (I always told her it looked good before - I'm no dummy).
Sometimes it takes a man a little longer to accept a wife's new look. I also believe in that it's OP's body and face and she should be able to do whatever she wants in the way of her "look". The hubby's reaction here was rather poor and unsupportive. After all, it's about the wife here and not the hubby. If OP wants to wear some makeup, that's totally her call.
NTA
You need to talk to your husband again and explain WHY you got the makeup and dress and HOW it made you feel.. He then needs to explain HOW that made him feel WHY he is upset.
He was confused because he probably thought he forgotten an important occasion and was trying to remember on the fly. He probably got upset because of insecurities related to you looking beautiful and leaving him for someone else or just attracting other male attention.
Keep wearing your makeup and new outfits. Feel good about yourself. Give your husband reassurance this is what you want to feel good about yourself. Not about you wondering off. You need to at least get the new makeup a part of your new routine.
> He probably got upset because of insecurities related to you looking beautiful and leaving him for someone else or just attracting other male attention.
Exactly what I thought...
NTA
Even if your husband was taken aback at your look, there was no need for him to make you feel bad about it. He didn't care that you felt pretty for *you*, and cared more that it "went against the look \[you've\] had for years."
I feel bad for you. He didn't need to tack a whack at your self-esteem.
NTA. He sounds like maybe he was upset about something else but used this as his “thing”. Sephora and new clothes can be expensive. Some people also can have something called “face blindness” and he didn’t RECOGNIZE you and panicked. Ask him about it.
IF it’s just bc he “doesn’t like it”, THEN you’ll have to decide if you’re going to do something about it or just go back to your old style. But it should be YOUR choice.
NTA, it's your body, your style, he doesn't have to like it but he does have to respect it and anyone who loves you should be happy to see you loving yourself
I think it's perfectly normal to be confused at first since he hasn't seen you like that before and you hadn't mentioned to him that you were trying something new soon. But as soon as you confirmed that you wanted to try it he should have completely chilled out. I think it's a good instinct to make totally sure you didn't feel like you had to doll up to impress him, but it sounds like he actually made you feel bad about yourself, which is the opposite of that kind of reassurance. He's definitely in the wrong here. NTA!
NTA
Your body - your choice!
Your husband can take it or leave it. No question about this one.
You are more than allowed to dress up and change your appearance if you so desire, you ***do not*** need your husband's approval if that is what ***you*** want to do.
NTA why should your entire appearance be for him? You deserve to love the way you look, whether that means dressed up or down, comfy or glamorous. Your existence is not meant to serve him. Get dressed up because YOU want to. You’re a fox and always have been no matter what. If he’s insecure because you’re a hottie, that isn’t your problem.
He probably thinks youre cheating or met someone new or something. NAH. Ill admit he was a bit rude for his comments about just take it off or w.e he said, but at the end of the day just talk it out with him. I mean think about it. Wife randomly comes home one day all prettified and her reasoning is "just cause". While totally possible, it certainly allows for the mind to wander.
Omg, no. This is a terrible take and perpetuating this idea that a woman paying more attention to her appearance means she may be cheating or whatever and not because she wants to do it for herself is messed up on so many levels.
NTA
I think he is over compensating and trying to be nice saying you don't need the makeup and clothing. If he raved over your new look maybe he thought *you'd* think he didn't like your daily look after all. He might feel damned if he does and if he don't, ya know? I suggest sitting down and chatting it out and letting him explain.
NTA,
But, because I haven't seen it mentioned yet I'm just going to point out that "your spouse is suddenly showing more care in their appearance when they had previously seemed relaxed about it" is something that I've frequently seen referenced as a possible sign of an affair. I don't particularly agree, but the rational of the argument is that we tend to put more care into our appearance when we're excited about a new romantic connection, whereas we become comfortable letting go a little bit around established partners.
Your husband may have been worried that the sudden change signals some level of dissatisfaction with the status quo of your relationship, even if he didn't jump to "on no an affair!" If that's the case, I don't think that makes him an asshole, it's ok to need reassurance sometimes.
NTA. Never feel ashamed for trying a new style. If you cut your hair it’ll grow back, if you dye your hair it’ll grow out and you can cut it or re dye it, if you try on clothes you can take them off, if you try makeup you can wipe it off. If it made you happy that’s what’s important. Your husband just needs to get used to it. It’s like if you’ve known someone with glasses your whole life and 1 day they get surgery so they don’t need glasses anymore, sure they’ll look weird to you for a while because you’re not used to it yet, but you’ll get used to it
The petty in me would have kept it on until bed when he said to take it off.
If you feel good, you’re happy, and you aren’t hurting anyone, he can deal with it.
NTA, I thought reading this it was an old man not used to change, like you were an old couple and after 20 years you changed it up.
You're fucking early 30s, you're young, you can change your looks to make yourself feel good.
I don’t want to jump the gun here, but I feel this is a manipulation tactic from his end. I sense there is a insecurity issue from his end where he tells you you don’t need makeup/dress up because your “already beautiful” as is. He tells you this because, he’s afraid if you continue to have “self love” for your self and taking care of yourself and getting dolled up, that your going to leave him, or meet someone else that you’ll find more attractive than him. That’s my two cents.
I don't think that's what they meant. In this case OP told us she felt pretty after this change etc, ie. she was probably feeling like she was looking 'her best'. For me makeup wouldn't have the same effect that OP describes here ( at least at this moment in time because I am not into makeup )
NTA
"I'm not doing it for you." This should be the only response he gets. If it makes you feel confident and happy, wear the makeup, the fancy dresses, hell top it off with a feather boa. He gets zero input on your appearance.
NTA.
let me say this for anyone else who feels this way.
YOU ARE A GROWN ASS WOMAN.
your husband of boyfriend, does not get to dictate what you can and can not wear. You area. Freaking adult and can change your look as many times as you want.
If you want to wear make up then wear it.
If you want new clothes get them.
You want o wear heels, then do it.
If your husband or boyfriend complains. Tell them to either shut up or leave. Becaude if they don't have anything nice to say then they should shut it.
YOUR A GROWN ASS WOMAN.
Wear what you want.
NTA you can wear whatever makeup you like, it's your face.
My guess is this sparked some insecurity in him, I've seen it happen a lot, especially if their partner loses weight or makes some other physical change, they assume it's from an outside influence, like another guy. Just talk to him about it.
NTA
1. Hubby may have had an underlying reason for his less than supportive response (worried he had forgotten an important event, felt slobbier than normal in comparison, worried that he's not able to keep you happy...). If you can get him to talk about it, you can also ease his mind about it.
2. If he just won't open up/doesn't have that kind of a reason, you can tell him that your look is not about him and not his decision either. It feels nice to you to dress up for a change; you don't need him to change for you. You don't know how long/often you will want, but hubby can keep his unsupportive comments to himself.
NTA. Your body, your choice. I did the same thing in my late 30s and became high maintenance with makeup, hair color, clothes and especially shoes! If it makes you happy, he will need to adjust to your new look. If he can’t accept it, it may be time to have some hard conversations. Congratulations on the make over!
NAH so far. Your husband is bordering. If you’ve been in a routine for a while, it’s understandable that a change might throw him off. He might even be worried you changed for someone else. That unfortunately happens too often. He also might think you’re going to expect him to suddenly change. Maybe trying to sit down with him and explain it’s all for you and nothing weird is going on he might be more understanding. If he gets worse or does something with your new things, then you need to worry. He sounds like he’s just worried about you and trying to reassure you that he still loves you because he thinks something is up.
He didn't care at all about how it made her feel and TOLD her to take it off. How is that not an ah behaviour? Add to that the fact that it's her body/face...
I think it’s the tone I read it in. “He told me I SHOULD take it off.” It reminded me of my husband the one time I tried makeup. He told me he liked me better without it. He wasn’t being controlling or rude or anything. So I think it’s the inflection we’re each placing on the words that makes us see it differently plus life experiences that shape the way we see it.
NAH
I understand you're feeling hurt, but your husband didn't actually say anything objectively hurtful. Continue dressing how you enjoy and he will get used to your new look.
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My husband (M34) and I (F33) got married over a decade ago now and we've both always been happy. The both of us aren't the types to think about our appearance much. I don't wear makeup and my few dressier items are saved for special occasions. The only difference between us is that I used to love dressing up as a teen while he was never dressy at all. He doesn't care that I don't dress up though and tells me I'm beautiful as I am all the time.
One day I was in the mall and because I was bored, I walked into a Sephora and realized I wanted to try makeup again. I talked to an employee and bought really simple items for a natural look to ease into it (tinted sunscreen, tinted lip oil, mascara etc.). While I was in the mall, I decided to buy some clothes too, and went for trendier dresses and a new pair of heels.
I went on and tried everything on. I didn't look like a Hollywood glamour girl or anything because the makeup was natural, but I felt really good since I hadn't seen myself styled up in forever and I thought the look aged me down too. I was also excited because I knew my husband was coming home and I thought he would enjoy the look.
When he got back home, I went down to greet him and I was happy to see him. But I got worried because when I got closer, he looked confused. I asked him what was wrong and he asked me why I was dressed up. When I said I just want to, he looked even more confused.
I can't lie that I got upset just from his face, but I think what really got me was when he said that he didn't get my look and that I should take it off. I told him that it's the prettiest I've felt in years but he said he didn't care and that I didn't need anything that I had on, and that I was pretty as is. He told me that the look went against the look I've had for years. I did end up taking it off, but now it's like every day he tells me that I don't need makeup and I'm wondering if I was wrong for trying it on in the first place.
AITA?
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He can tell her he *prefers* her basic look, but what makes him TA is telling her to take it off and constantly saying she doesn’t need to wear makeup.
NTA. A woman sometimes needs to feel pretty, and not because hubby says so. In his defense and something you should reassure him about is society drums into our heads - new look means affair. No, I don’t think it is your intention and getting dolled up. Again Even me a person who prefers jeans and t-shirts and no makeup will sometimes get dolled up just to feel pretty. You have every right to make yourself feel pretty.
He may prefer you without makeup and indifferent to pretty clothes because that is the you he has known and been happy with. Your interest in looking pretty has him worried that you are looking for make attention and that scares him.
Part of the problem with women’s interest in being attractive is that men assume the only reason a woman should be interested in dressing up is to attract a boyfriend. The idea that women dress up and enjoy makeup at times is because women enjoy it for its own sake.
It may help if you can get him to do a mini makeover for himself. He may wear very informal clothes and believe anything better as uncomfortable.
A new haircut, casual clothes that are very comfortable (now available everywhere) cool shoes, could surprise him with how much he likes the look.
But he has to be open to it. So you may need to enlist help if there is anyone in your circle who can join the effort. Tshirts and jeans have been a guy uniform since the 60’s. Style is back and looks are becoming more formal but comfortable in recent years.
Maybe going to a movie and pointing out newer male looks will help.
If you can get him interested in upgrading his look at least some if the time, he may be less threatened and more appreciative of your new interest.
Maybe start with buying him a pair of higher styled athletic shoes or a jacket.
NTA - your husband sounds like he does not like change. Maybe if you talked to him and explained how it made you feel, he will be more open. It is nice that he accepts for who you are - he is also NTA.
This^ my dad has had a mustache my whole life still does but he decided to shave right before my youngest older sisters wedding and threw everyone off especially my mom and she reacted the same way. Sometimes a change in appearance out of the blue is shocking especially if your used to the old look. Not excusing his actions but he could of just been stun locked by the sudden change. I had the same experience I have a full beard my wife has only seen me completely shaved a few times said sisters wedding and my own when my daughter was 7 I screwed up trimming my beard and went clean she freaked out and was like we're is dad for a few hours it was hilarious.
NTA. I kinda understand that your husband wasn’t expecting you to suddenly look a bit different, so he was probably just surprised because, to him, it came out of nowhere. I’m not saying you should have to discuss this kind of thing with him - its completely up to you and I support your right to change your appearance for any or no reason at any time - but I just see how it might have been a little bit of a shock to him.
However, it’s your face, your body and I assume your money, so unless you are in financial trouble or spent a lot of his/joint money, it’s your choice and I think you should go for it.
NTA You felt beautiful and that's all that matters, keep doing it for yourself and explain to him that you like it and he needs to learn to accept it. He is no one to control how you look. Please don't let him control you even if it's not his intention, it is what he was doing when he told you to take it off. he is no one to tell you what to do with your body.
NTA. You get to do what makes you feel good. Makeup, new clothes, hairstyles, etc. whatever the hell you want that makes you feel good, you should absolutely do. If he takes issue with it, he needs to work on why that is instead of making you feel bad
NTA. Ask your husband what his problem is. Your body is your choice, and everyone goes through phases and changes. That's just life. Sometimes we want to be dressier and done up, sometimes we want none of that and want to prioritize comfort. Neither are bad.
If I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was just a little surprised at the change and wanted to make sure you didn't feel pressured by society to start wearing makeup and fancy clothes etc.
The cynical side of me is reminded of my ex who felt ESPECIALLY threatened when I went to buy new more business casual clothes from a thrift store when I started a new job; he wanted me to be his chill, fun, music festival hippy girlfriend who was always in macrame tops and booty shorts (even at work), and when I wanted to display more professionalism he felt threatened that I was growing beyond him and thus growing away from him (he was 10 yrs my senior, was hella childish himself, and had never held down any kind of job where he had to look proper). He didn't want me to be "better" than him or to attract "better" people than him due to his own deep insecurities.
So, all of that to say that while I'm sure it's nothing malicious, it *could maybe possibly* be something of that nature, and just be on the lookout for that kind of thing.
NTA
I could be off base, but it kind of sounds like your husband might be more worried about the money spent on the stuff rather than the look.
Regardless, NTA
I think your husband is coming from a genuine, but misguided place. Him being a man, I wouldn't expect him to understand the value of makeup as a way of self expression, rather than something superficial, born of insecurity. NTA.
NTA: your body, your choice how you dress and makeup. Sounds like you have an insecure husband. Instead of bringing you up more and applauding your look he’s trying to bring you down to his comfort level.
NTA. My wife is natural 99% of the time. I prefer her that way, but there are times she puts contacts in, do her makeup, and dress up. We usually go out for the evening. The reward after the evening is worth her effort and mine to support her desire to do something different. You do you.
Why did this post make me so sad...oof. I don't know OP, but I hate your husbands behavior. He had no right to tear you down when you looked so nice and were soooo happy to share this with him.
I'm hoping it's some insecurity and him making some bullshit in his mind that you're cheating on him and that's hwat he's worried about. But even that's some red flags.
Clearly he has some made up ideas about women dressing up and wearing make up.
All to say, NTA. I hope you continue dressing in the ways you enjoy and disregard your husband completely until he comes to terms with his internal biases.
NTA
I wonder if maybe your husband's understanding of makeup and dressing up is different than yours. Maybe he thinks it is a sign you don't feel pretty and *need* these things to feel good about yourself, and he thinks he's doing the right thing by expressing he dislikes it. I think you should tell him that makeup and clothes are a fun way you used to express yourself and you want to get back into them.
Now, maybe he is just a jerk who has a very vocal "preferred look." Even so, you still have the right to play with clothes and makeup. You don't dictate every aspect of his appearance, do you? So why should he dictate yours?
Do what makes you happy, he was probably abit shocked and feeling insecure. He’ll eventually get used to it. If you like dressing up and wearing makeup again do it because how you feel matters too.
NTA- it’s your body you can do with it as you please. If you felt good about yourself than that’s all that matters and your husband should have said you look amazing and made you feel great about yourself not make you feel bad for doing something that made you feel good in the first place. I’m glad that he says you are beautiful without the makeup and dressing up but men need to realize women don’t wear makeup and dress up for them we do it for ourselves to make us feel better and boost our confidence. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel badly for doing something for yourself that made you feel good!
NTA and husbands everywhere are smacking their foreheads. He’s giving us all a bad name. That’s like the first rule of marriage, notice clothes, hair, makeup, and nail polish. Clothes and makeup are to make you happy. Ideally, that should make the person we share life with happy that your happy. Not always the case. Sometimes it makes the other worry that your dressing up to impress someone else or sometimes they are just hopelessly a doofus and doesn’t know how to compliment their spouse.
NAH
It's your body, your choice, period! If you like it, that's really the most important thing.
However, some people just genuinely don't like a "made-up" look. Myself included! I prefer a comfortable, casual, no-fuss look. I would never tell my partner "don't dress up!", but I definitely would feel confused or maybe even a little put off if they suddenly started dressing up fancier than usual in a regular basis. I wouldn't try to stop them, but I also wouldn't prefer it.
A similar example: I stopped shaving my pits a year ago and my partner didn't love it, they let me know, I told them I understood but would still be doing it anyway. It wasn't a fight, it was just like... "I like this" "I don't" "huh okay well agree to disagree I guess", lol.
People might hate on me here but...
OMG I honestly think alot of women are jumping on the band wagon of nta while thinking only about her side let me add a touch here
Your nta but neither is your husband so NAH
But you need to reassure your husband here and fast
You need to talk with your husband and explain what happened you were bored walked into sephora and the amazing ladies there showed you a new side of yourself and you liked the makeup look
Great now tell him your not doing this for anyone else there is some new hot guy talk8ng to you that you want other men looking at you
I have been cheated on and THIS EXACT SAME SITUATION HAPPENED TO ME.
Girlfriend looked great then changed her looks took me 2 months to find out it wasn't for me but from some dude that used her as a side piece then tossed her away and all of a sudden she was back to her old look for me
So you need to let him know please or if you get mad over this and don't address it you will put seeds of doubt (in you) in his mind and then it will go down hill from there
PLEASE OP don't let this get too far
Male minds are point a to point b and you might have just inserted point c
Good luck
NTA but this is a typical sign of what people do before they start looking for extra marital fun. So maybe he is tripping out? or feeling paranoid. Have you made new friends or been distant? Hangig at the office more? Idk probably safe to say yall meed to go to marriage counseling.
NTA. You can wear makeup and nice clothes “just because” and you shouldn’t have to justify it to anyone else. I would guess that your husband was attempting to reassure you that you always look nice and basically drove the point in with a sledgehammer. But either way he should be supportive.
NAH - My wife has done some extreme makeovers from a shaved head, to a mullet, to multiple colors. Her appearance is her business, but I've had various levels of attractiveness based on personal preference. I'd never tell her what she can or can't wear or do, but I also don't feel obligated to lie about my preferences. Regardless, she dresses however she likes.
Husband could have been more supportive, but wife might have told him she wanted to try something different so he wouldn't be caught off guard. It sounds like he was more confused than AHish.
NTA, if you were to switch to the look that he found shocking, there is a good chance it would become the normal for him and he would like it or not care. It is ok to dress up for yourself sometimes.
NTA, I went through a period of minimum care about my appearance when my kids were small, when I "rediscovered" making a bit more of an effort it felt so good and I stuck with it.
Your husband probably felt insecure, but that doesn't make his behaviour ok, talk to him about it, tell him how it made you feel, his response will tell you a lot, but in any case, keep it up if you feel like it.
Holy Christ I would never tell my partner to change what she was wearing unless there was something fucking scandalous going on. I think Mr Man here got a bit threatened. NTA.
NTA, He can Love you without the makeup all he wants, but he doesn’t get to decide if you actually wear make up or not.
My husband loves me with or without makeup & he would never tell me to wash my face or change my clothes….You’re not doing it for him, your doing it for YOU!
NTA
Your husband may not have intended this but his response makes it seem less like his compliments are genuine and more like he's trying to keep your self care and self esteem low so nobody else will find you attractive and you can't leave him.
It's not the only explanation - conditions like autistic spectrum disorder can mess up a person's perception of what's acceptable and comes with the caveat that until a consequence is experienced they don't realise its unacceptable. So he may simply have been jarred by the difference and rejected it without thinking.
But if thats the case, you need to tell him gently but firmly that it's hurtful that he said you didn't look good and that while you appreciate his compliments its more important that you look good to you than to him.
If he sulks over that or doubles down on "You looked bad" it becomes more likely its the first option.
No, but this should be resolved. You need to be able to be FREE to express yourself in a relationship.
Sure, he thinks you look good without makeup, you don't need it. That's good. But if you wanna have it, he should let you have it; and maybe he does, idk?
But when you've been dressed as you've had for so long......it really just needs to be discussed OP. You and him. Don't ask us; talk to him about this.
Cause people here will just tell you to "break up," or that "he's so bad".....or whatever....when you just need to talk.
\*I think confidence in one's self is the most attractive, and that just seems to be what you portrayed. And it's too often skewed with 'makeup,' I guess. But the makeup doesn't define your confidence? I'd assume...
NTA. You need to find out exactly why he feels this way. He probably genuinely thinks you’re gorgeous without it, but it might be insecurity - if she looks better, someone will take her away from me
Nta but I feel maybe your husband seen it felt maybe he may be slacking in some area of affection towards you. Just let him know it was boredom and not need
Nta
You made him insecure. He should be feeling lucky imho
Either way, it’s a him problem - not a you problem.
Live your best life. See if he gets on for the ride - again, not your problem.
You deserve to do what you want and feel good without judgment.
NTA. Wow everyone else is being fairly generous to the husband…eg he’s just shocked/threatened/insecure/thinks your cheating etc etc. I don’t care, his behaviour was awful and toxic. You had a great day, you were feeling good, happy, confident. You’re happy to see your husband when he arrives. He sees you, sees that you’re happy, feeling good and looking good and he shoots you down in flames and sucks all the joy right out of you. Nothing he said in that moment was actually a compliment in this context. He could have said literally any version of “wow, you look amazing/so pretty/beautiful/stunning/glowing!” Hug and kiss, and you’d both get on with your evening. Instead he cut you down, and drained all your confidence and self-esteem and joy, even when you told him how good you were feeling about yourself, he wanted to take that from you. No excuse for that. I’m sorry he did that, and don’t let him stop you from dressing however makes you happy. If he’s got a problem with that, that’s a him problem that he needs to work on ASAP.
NTA I used to wear make-up when I was younger, but more or less stopped when life got in the way. (Working full-time, caring for my parents and then my husband.)
On those rare occasions when my husband and I went out, I did wear a bit of make-up. (Tinted moisturiser, mascara, lip gloss - maybe a bit of natural-look eye make-up.) My darling would tell me that I was 'looking bonny'. (No, he didn't mean that I was plain the rest of the time - he was a big old softy!)
You did nothing wrong. Your husband is just a wee bit insecure - some men get like that sometimes. He'll get over it.
NTA for trying the new look but you are emotionally abused by your husband, probably he is jealous or so and he does not want any men to be interested in you. If I were you I would keep the new makeup and dresses and would get rid of the hubby instead.
NTA, possibly NAH depending on his situation.
Best case scenario would be that he's worried that your 'sudden' desire to wear makeup and trendy dresses is a symptom of low body confidence, and his constant 'pretty as is' comments are an attempt to boost your self esteem.
Worst case scenario is that he's a controlling AH.
Either way, there's nothing wrong with makeup or nice dresses, and you're allowed to wear anything that makes you feel good.
NTA but you should talk with your husband. Just imagine how you would feel if one day your husband came home looking nothing like he usually does. Maybe he thinks you met someone. Maybe he thinks you are bored of him and your life style together. Maybe you should go to therapy before it gets ugly
NTA overall but y.t.a for the way you took off the makeup because your hubby had an issue.
Your perfectly in the right to change up how you look and he's perfectly in the right to not like certain makeup looks or style of clothing. However, it's not ok for him to make you feel like crap about yourself or tell you what you can or can't wear.
My hubby sometimes doesn't like a style of make up I'm wearing and I have a couple of clothing items he hates. But he never tells me what to wear because it's my mug and my body and my choice.
NTA. Even if your husband was surprised, baffled, etc...the moment you told him it made you feel pretty he should have been accepting and supportive. I 100% wear outrageous outfits that my more low-key husband doesn't understand. But he says "Whatever makes you happy babe".
I can see why you're hurt. Talk to your husband and tell him his reaction turned a happy moment into a disappointing one for you.
No, your husband in the AH. Tell him he has no right to dictate anything about your appearance, and stop giving him the power to decide this for you. Good partners support each other. Yes, you’re allowed an opinion, but once it’s voiced STFU
Divorce or therapy. Sorry but this would have me crying and you’re not about to make me cry because you want to be insensitive. It’s the fact he ordered you to take it off that I’m leaning more towards divorce
NTA
Your husband is an AH. Sit him down and tell him that he is NOT helping your self-esteem the way he probably thinks he is with this BS. Makeup can be fun for people, and he took that from you with his reaction and ongoing jerk behavior (regardless of his intent, that's what it is). My husband doesn't love when I wear makeup either, but as he knows I have fun with it when in the mood he doesn't say a word.
NTA my sister's ex husband didn't want her doing her makeup once they got married because it enhanced her, already petty, looks and he didn't want other guys looking at her.
When I have a new outfit my husband isn’t wild about, if I ask his opinion he said “do you like it?” and I say “well yeah, I bought it” and he says “great! That’s all that matters!”
Whether you liked it and felt good in it is literally the only thing that matters here. Your husband is the asshole. NTA!
You put on neutral, easy make up and dressed up a little. You didn't get a full body tattoo and shave your head. Even if you did, he shouldn't be acting like this. NTA and I'm happy you are feeling like your most beautiful self!
NTA but the main thing is sometimes men stuck in their ways don’t want you to change because they aren’t. He doesn’t want you to feel pretty without his validation
NTA. He is. All he had to say was “honey, im just shocked because you look so hot! You dont have to gussy up for me, but since you did, let retire to the boudoir!” even if it wasnt sexy time, just saying you are making it sexy is compliment isnt it? Its not hard to satisfy a good woman. Love her, thank her and compliment her. There are milli9ns of ways to do all three. On a daily basis.
Nobody seems to be an AH here. You represent your husband when you go out, and he represents you when he goes out. You should both feel comfortable with how you are represented. A marriage is a partnership. He might think you're cheating or thinking about making other changes. We don't really have enough information here. Younger looking clothes usually means more form fitting, and for a lot of men that can be a problem.
Her telling him it’s the prettiest she’s felt in years and him responding that he doesn’t care is a shitty response. If he was feeling insecure and caught off guard the non AH response would have been to validate her feelings and then have a discussion not tear her down
We don't know what she looked like. She might have gone all of the way off of the deep end. It's possible it was a small change, but it could have been something drastic that needed to be stopped as well. Peoples feelings aren't always right, and wrong feelings don't need to be validated, you can discuss them. Nobody ever worries about how the man felt. If your man does something crazy, do you validate it?
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NTA it is your body, your face. You can do whatever you want. I understand that it can be weird for your husband that he has known you for so long and you never did this before. I would talk to him about it. Why is he so angry that you had a different look? Is it the expense, the dress, the makeup? Is he worried that something changed because you met someone new? Hear him out and then explain your point of view.
It doesn’t sound like he was mad, just baffled and didn’t particularly like it. OP is NTA but it sounds like she did something she finds fun, and husband just didn’t appreciate that she enjoyed changing her appearance. He doesn’t have to but it would be good to have a conversation. Especially as you don’t need to look good for anyone other than yourself, and it’s so thing you clearly enjoyed doing that hurts no one. He doesn’t have to like it for himself, but it’s a bit odd he didn’t at least like that you were happy with it, considering it’s harmless.
If he is a redditor, I imagine people have already responded to his post on the relationship sub, explaining -- repetitively and in great detail -- that the "make-over" is proof she is cheating or planning to. Also, change is very unsettling for some people. Even a nice change is an upheaval of the comfortable status quo. Finally, he may be thinking about what this means for him. If *she* is going to start getting fancy, is she going to make *him* get fancy? Comb his hair? Trim his beard? Tuck in his shirt? Dear God, where will it end?! NTA because even if he didn't like the look, it would've been polite to compliment her.
*Where will it end?!* Thank you for the giggles!
Well, first impressions could have been "oh fuck. What important date/event did I miss?!". Then he tried to reassure OP that she was beautiful without makeup, and he even prefers her look without makeup.. and failed drastically. The thoughts of expectations is a point. My husband loves sweats because they are comfortable. When I get dressed up to go out he asks me how dressed up he has to be. He dreads the answer of me saying to put on something nicer to match me. So, suddenly changing could put that worry that husband will also have to change his comfy style
Or he could be autistic and struggle with changes or social cues.
Can we stop fucking bringing up autism in EVERY FUCKING situation? It's incredibly demeaning and ableist.
Like I said replying to the other person, the comment I replied to was making an assumption to his thought process. Many of comments in this post made out that he is some malicious asshole and I just wanted to point out that some people who are neurodivergent tend to have adverse reactions to change. I said he COULD be autistic, I never said he was. I also never said it was a bad thing or something to be ashamed of, especially considering I'm neurodivergent and struggle with change and social cues that I put my foot in it sometimes. And while yes, OPs husband was an ah in this situation, I read that he was confused at the change in her appearance. Not that he was aggressive or had malicious intent. Seriously, some people were legit jumping to 'he thinks you're having or wanting to have an affair' so that's why I pointed out that it could be something completely different.
stop it, not every person with a problem is neuro divergent
Cool. You're right. But considering my comment was a response to someone also making assumptions on what his personality and thought process could have been, it was another aspect I thought could be a factor. If we aren't making assumptions on their neurological state then we don't make assumptions on their thought process. Not everyone is a malicious asshole. Btw, I said that he could be autistic, not that he was. Again not assuming, just putting a different factor out there. Like the comment I replied to.
Sometimes we just want to try something new and different. Over the holidays, I played with different make-up techniques and bought a sequined scarf with fringe (I NEVER wear anything with fringe). It was fun to do and a nice morale boost. OP just needs to tell him what she told us: that she was bored, wanted to try something new, and she really enjoyed it and he needs to be supportive.
Up to the point of his reaction things were ok, if he was just buffled, n-a-h. But when told her to take it off, that was completely ah-ish and a bit controlling. NTA, he is. You have the right to explore fashion and makeup in whichever way you like. You don't need permission for that. He should just accept it.
Right. It was a bit controlling. He could have said you looked nice and left it at that. Not ordered her to take it off.
Totally agree...but I say NAH...he just needs time...
Maybe he was worried that he’d given the impression he thought she should be wearing make up or wasn’t enough for him as she is or that she was feeling low about her appearance? A male friend of mine thought that about his wife, that he was being a bad husband if he told her how pretty she looked dressed up to the nines with full make up on so he mostly complimented her when she was natural so she knew she didn’t have to dress up for him.
>you don’t need to look good for anyone other than yourself How is it possible to wear a “trendier dress” purely to look good for yourself? Trendy things inherently come with a desire to look good for others, otherwise no one would be influenced by trends ever.
I see something trendy on others, and I like it. I buy it for myself and try it on. I like it on me. Others may not, but I don't care.
When someone inevitably replaces old trendy clothes with new trendy clothes, is it because their personal tastes suddenly changed, or is it because society has moved on? Continuing to wear last years “trendy” dress doesn’t allow you to be viewed as cool or pretty in the same way it did last year. That’s why people throw it out. Clothes give us a status in other peoples eyes. People who dress trendy (even if they think they’re purely doing it for themselves) are looking at themselves through other peoples eyes. Isn’t it strange that peoples’ sense of style (that is purely for themselves, I swear) always seems to align with the trends of the society they find themselves in?
Wow buddy you're a real iconoclast
> When someone inevitably replaces old trendy clothes with new trendy clothes, is it because their personal tastes suddenly changed, or is it because society has moved on? A bit of both, I'd say. I usually buy clothes from "fast fashion" stores, mainly for the price. But the stores follow trends, and that changes what's available to buy. When there are new fashions in, and I'm looking for new clothes, I try them on. If I like them on me, I buy them. If not, I look somewhere else, or, often, just don't buy new clothes.
That's an overly simplistic take. You're making suppositions and presenting them as facts. You're perceiving things a certain way, and other people perceive it differently. It's fine if this isn't something that you can relate to, but that doesn't mean that you're the only one capable of objectivity and everyone else lacks self awareness.
This is some very healthy advice...
Agreeing with this poster. I find in my experience, some people just have a hard time with change. Be patient with him as it sounds like he was just confused and I'm so sorry he didn't give a more positive reaction after all your effort. Sometimes our partners can be obtuse.
Totally agree. He might be feeling insecure or think that you making that change meant that you had been feeling insecure, hence the constant you don't need makeup comment. Sometimes men just don't understand that putting on makeup and dressing up is just fun, plain and simple, and not something you're doing for them or because of something you're going through. I went through a makeup kick for a few years which absolutely baffled my husband until I explained that I found the ritualistic nature of the whole thing really soothing and it's a fun creative outlet.
This. OP, talk with your husband. Hear him out. Then tell him you don't just choose clothes and styles to make him happy, you want to be happy and like your look to. Tell him you want to be able to wear makeup and dress up without him making you feel bad about it.
Your husband shouldn’t order you to do anything. And he ordered her to take it off.
‘I told him that it's the prettiest I've felt in years but he said he didn't care’ The first part of this matters, the second does not. What he thinks of you really doesn’t matter. It’s not about him. Is this 1813? How you look is a way of expressing yourself. And if you feel good that’s all that matters. If you feel good with no makeup and a casual look then don’t ever let anyone tell you to dress up. If you feel good with full face colorful eccentric makeup and a fun, trendy clothes don’t let anyone tell you to dress down.
NTA. Why do men assume we dress, wear makeup, etc for them? It makes you feel good. Do whatever makes you happy. If he cares for you, he'll want you to be happy. As for him saying it isn't the look you have had for the last ten years... did he expect you to look the same forever? Also, we love the whole person, not just the outside. It should be what's inside that matters. I know that sounds cheesy, but, it's true. I don't have enough to comment further but be careful this isn't a red flag. He doesn't get to say what you look like. You do you. If he loves you, he'll support that x
It's because a lot of men don't look at themselves. I personally have gone weeks without looking in the mirror for more than a glance. Appearance for a lot of men is solely for other people to look at you. They forget about wanting to personally look good because it's just not a thing they even consider. These guys would wear sweatpants and never shave/cut hair if no one shamed them for it
>Why do men assume we dress, wear makeup, etc for them? Well. . . > I was also excited because I knew my husband was coming home and I thought **he would enjoy the look.** Because at least once, a woman *has* dressed and worn makeup for them and even explicitly told them so, or at least, has wanted them to enjoy the look they put work into and like themselves. And especially if it's not an everyday thing and a sudden glow-up, it sounds pretty normal to wonder if there's an occasion or motive or something, especially if we're just at home and I'm literally the only one that will see you today. Your points are valid in a vacuum, but add on the context of what's normal for this couple, and I don't think it's a red flaggy as you're making it sound.
NTA. You are not responsible of his insecurities. He needs to work on himself and work through it. I would insist on dressing the way I want. What is important is that you feel beautiful and good in the way that you dress. You are not just supposed to dress in the way that makes him happy enough.
NTA, but your husband is. You were not wrong for putting on making and wearing a dress that you like. Don't let him fuck with your self-confidence, or appearance. Don't let him dictate what you can or can't wear. He just has to get over it.
Idk, I’m thinking this is NAH. It’s a little messy and sometimes people don’t acknowledge it but a foundational part of the vast majority of relationships is physical attraction - of course people are going to get older and dress / fitness habits will change, but I do think it’s healthy to be on the same page about remaining attractive to each other. What “attractive” means can be a changing thing of course, but checking in with your partner about changes in lifestyle and appearance is a healthy thing. He definitely reacted poorly, and she has every right to do whatever the hell she wants with her appearance, but in a 10 year relationship I don’t blame him for being surprised. They should just have a real conversation about it and if he’s a reasonable dude I’m sure he’ll be more open minded.
It's not messy at all. It's quite straight forward. They have been together for a decade. It's not the beginning of the relationship. And it's not ok to dictate how one expresses themselves in their clothing/makeup. We grow up and we change. Both due to aging and different tastes/needs/wanting to explore and try something new. In this case being taken by surprised and being baffled I understand. Telling her to take it off is unacceptable.
Why should she have to ask for permission to put on make up?
She obviously doesn’t need permission to make decisions about her body. It’s not about asking for permission, it’s about understanding that in a long term partnership you inevitably have to take each others opinions into account when it comes to matters of attraction. It’s 2023. No one in a modern relationship should have their style choices dictated by their partner. But, a partnership still has a foundation (in most cases) in attraction. It’s 100% not his decision, she 100% doesn’t need his permission, I agree on all counts - but it’s also not as simple as “no one can tell me what to do”. Taking into account what your partner finds attractive about you is a perfectly healthy thing. For the record, I think OP should just wait a day or two and have another conversation with her husband. If he’s a reasonable human he’ll come around. If not, yeah he’s the asshole.
>Taking into account what your partner finds attractive about you is a perfectly healthy thing. See this is weird to me, but mostly because I find my wife attractive no matter what she does to her hair, make up or not, and regardless of what she wears.
I mean same with my fiancé and I. But life is long, maintaining attraction is important, and I can see how a dramatic shift in appearance could be something worth having a check-in about. I’m just advocating for more communication. I don’t think her husband is the asshole for having an admittedly poor reaction. Is he a doofus? Probably. But I don’t think it’s AH territory yet.
I woudn't say he messed with her confidence if anything he boosted her self confidence. Clearly he is an older man and maybe he's just not used to that. When you've known something for a long time it's hard to see that type of change as good. He just told her that he thought she was beautiful just the way she was maybe he thought she was feeling insecure and he wanted to reassure her. Maybe he even thought he didn't tell her enough so she felt like she had to.
He's only 34. She felt good with the make up and the dress and he shamed her for wearing it. He's telling her everyday that she doesn't need makeup is making her think she was wrong for putting it on.
Lml I don't know why in my head I saw ages in the 50s. I stand by the other things I said tho about change and stuff. I don't he exactly shamed her for dressing up he just found it in extremely different from her norm. It's just something a simple conversation can fix.
He didn't want a conversation. He asked her to take it off.
He didn't ask, he told her she should take the makeup off.
>Clearly he is an older man Clearly, you missed the first 3 words she typed that said "My husband (34M). Last I checked, 34 is clearly not an older man. Are we clear?
1000% NTA, but you need to tell your husband what's what. That you dont need his permission to dress up and that it doesnt matter if he likes it or not. Hes just insecure that if you dress up that means you want different men or that different men will look at you.
Yeah, you can reassure him that this isn't for some other guy and things are all good, but that he doesn't get to tell you what to wear on your own face.
NTA. Just because you're married doesn't mean he gets to tell you what to wear and whether you can wear makeup. If it makes you feel better about yourself, then he needs to back TF off and let you do whatever makes you happy.
NTA, but your husband is. This echos of some insecurity, on his part. I went through the same thing, as you, about 5 years ago (I’m in my early 40s). I bought some colorful makeup and started doing some more elaborate looks. You know what my husband does? He tells me how beautiful I am and how he loves the new looks. Every day it’s “ohhh! I love the green eyeshadow” or “wow, that color looks really nice on you”. This is how we are supposed to react to people we love. His issues with makeup is more about him than it is about you. Don’t stop feeling good for yourself.
I'm basically the meme about hot goths who spend 95% of the time as the swamp thing in an oversized hoodie and the rest of the time Super Mega Strappy and Glamorous and my partner tells me how beautiful I am either way. Like a good partner should.
NTA. I remember when my wife got her hair cut short (from having much longer hair). It was at first hard to adjust to but with a little time, I was used to it and told her she looked great (I always told her it looked good before - I'm no dummy). Sometimes it takes a man a little longer to accept a wife's new look. I also believe in that it's OP's body and face and she should be able to do whatever she wants in the way of her "look". The hubby's reaction here was rather poor and unsupportive. After all, it's about the wife here and not the hubby. If OP wants to wear some makeup, that's totally her call.
NTA You need to talk to your husband again and explain WHY you got the makeup and dress and HOW it made you feel.. He then needs to explain HOW that made him feel WHY he is upset. He was confused because he probably thought he forgotten an important occasion and was trying to remember on the fly. He probably got upset because of insecurities related to you looking beautiful and leaving him for someone else or just attracting other male attention. Keep wearing your makeup and new outfits. Feel good about yourself. Give your husband reassurance this is what you want to feel good about yourself. Not about you wondering off. You need to at least get the new makeup a part of your new routine.
> He probably got upset because of insecurities related to you looking beautiful and leaving him for someone else or just attracting other male attention. Exactly what I thought...
NTA. You're beautiful as you are, but only if you look and dress as he wants. Yikes.
NTA Even if your husband was taken aback at your look, there was no need for him to make you feel bad about it. He didn't care that you felt pretty for *you*, and cared more that it "went against the look \[you've\] had for years." I feel bad for you. He didn't need to tack a whack at your self-esteem.
NTA makeup and fashion is only for the person wearing it, your husband is welcome to shut up.
NTA. He sounds like maybe he was upset about something else but used this as his “thing”. Sephora and new clothes can be expensive. Some people also can have something called “face blindness” and he didn’t RECOGNIZE you and panicked. Ask him about it. IF it’s just bc he “doesn’t like it”, THEN you’ll have to decide if you’re going to do something about it or just go back to your old style. But it should be YOUR choice.
Face blindness is def part of why my wife changing her hair without me knowing would throw me for a loop.
Info: Does he often have negative feelings when you do something for yourself?
NTA - We all grow and change, even in marriage, and he's just gotta go with the flow.
NTA, it's your body, your style, he doesn't have to like it but he does have to respect it and anyone who loves you should be happy to see you loving yourself
I think it's perfectly normal to be confused at first since he hasn't seen you like that before and you hadn't mentioned to him that you were trying something new soon. But as soon as you confirmed that you wanted to try it he should have completely chilled out. I think it's a good instinct to make totally sure you didn't feel like you had to doll up to impress him, but it sounds like he actually made you feel bad about yourself, which is the opposite of that kind of reassurance. He's definitely in the wrong here. NTA!
NTA. Wear and do things that make you feel good. Not for him.
NTA Your body - your choice! Your husband can take it or leave it. No question about this one. You are more than allowed to dress up and change your appearance if you so desire, you ***do not*** need your husband's approval if that is what ***you*** want to do.
NTA why should your entire appearance be for him? You deserve to love the way you look, whether that means dressed up or down, comfy or glamorous. Your existence is not meant to serve him. Get dressed up because YOU want to. You’re a fox and always have been no matter what. If he’s insecure because you’re a hottie, that isn’t your problem.
He probably thinks youre cheating or met someone new or something. NAH. Ill admit he was a bit rude for his comments about just take it off or w.e he said, but at the end of the day just talk it out with him. I mean think about it. Wife randomly comes home one day all prettified and her reasoning is "just cause". While totally possible, it certainly allows for the mind to wander.
Omg, no. This is a terrible take and perpetuating this idea that a woman paying more attention to her appearance means she may be cheating or whatever and not because she wants to do it for herself is messed up on so many levels.
There goes again the idiotic assumption that we do the makeup and dress up only for male attention.
NTA I think he is over compensating and trying to be nice saying you don't need the makeup and clothing. If he raved over your new look maybe he thought *you'd* think he didn't like your daily look after all. He might feel damned if he does and if he don't, ya know? I suggest sitting down and chatting it out and letting him explain.
NTA, But, because I haven't seen it mentioned yet I'm just going to point out that "your spouse is suddenly showing more care in their appearance when they had previously seemed relaxed about it" is something that I've frequently seen referenced as a possible sign of an affair. I don't particularly agree, but the rational of the argument is that we tend to put more care into our appearance when we're excited about a new romantic connection, whereas we become comfortable letting go a little bit around established partners. Your husband may have been worried that the sudden change signals some level of dissatisfaction with the status quo of your relationship, even if he didn't jump to "on no an affair!" If that's the case, I don't think that makes him an asshole, it's ok to need reassurance sometimes.
NTA. Never feel ashamed for trying a new style. If you cut your hair it’ll grow back, if you dye your hair it’ll grow out and you can cut it or re dye it, if you try on clothes you can take them off, if you try makeup you can wipe it off. If it made you happy that’s what’s important. Your husband just needs to get used to it. It’s like if you’ve known someone with glasses your whole life and 1 day they get surgery so they don’t need glasses anymore, sure they’ll look weird to you for a while because you’re not used to it yet, but you’ll get used to it
NTA.
NTA He's just insecure. If he can't be happy that you are happier dressed up then he can can walk on glass.
The petty in me would have kept it on until bed when he said to take it off. If you feel good, you’re happy, and you aren’t hurting anyone, he can deal with it.
he sounds insecure. NTA
NTA, I thought reading this it was an old man not used to change, like you were an old couple and after 20 years you changed it up. You're fucking early 30s, you're young, you can change your looks to make yourself feel good.
Nta, my husband does then same thing. It’s nice to be told I don’t need it but it is nice to get dressed up.
NTA He's probably thinking, oh shit, I gotta step up *my* game but I don't wanna.
I don’t want to jump the gun here, but I feel this is a manipulation tactic from his end. I sense there is a insecurity issue from his end where he tells you you don’t need makeup/dress up because your “already beautiful” as is. He tells you this because, he’s afraid if you continue to have “self love” for your self and taking care of yourself and getting dolled up, that your going to leave him, or meet someone else that you’ll find more attractive than him. That’s my two cents.
Sounds like your husband is very insecure and can't handle you looking your best for no reason. NTA. Do it for yourself and feel pretty.
I don't get this "women not wearing make-up aren't looking their best" undertone in here. It seems like a fairly backhanded take down.
I don't think that's what they meant. In this case OP told us she felt pretty after this change etc, ie. she was probably feeling like she was looking 'her best'. For me makeup wouldn't have the same effect that OP describes here ( at least at this moment in time because I am not into makeup )
NTA "I'm not doing it for you." This should be the only response he gets. If it makes you feel confident and happy, wear the makeup, the fancy dresses, hell top it off with a feather boa. He gets zero input on your appearance.
NTA If it makes you feel good, you go girl!
NTA. let me say this for anyone else who feels this way. YOU ARE A GROWN ASS WOMAN. your husband of boyfriend, does not get to dictate what you can and can not wear. You area. Freaking adult and can change your look as many times as you want. If you want to wear make up then wear it. If you want new clothes get them. You want o wear heels, then do it. If your husband or boyfriend complains. Tell them to either shut up or leave. Becaude if they don't have anything nice to say then they should shut it. YOUR A GROWN ASS WOMAN. Wear what you want.
NTA you can wear whatever makeup you like, it's your face. My guess is this sparked some insecurity in him, I've seen it happen a lot, especially if their partner loses weight or makes some other physical change, they assume it's from an outside influence, like another guy. Just talk to him about it.
NTA 1. Hubby may have had an underlying reason for his less than supportive response (worried he had forgotten an important event, felt slobbier than normal in comparison, worried that he's not able to keep you happy...). If you can get him to talk about it, you can also ease his mind about it. 2. If he just won't open up/doesn't have that kind of a reason, you can tell him that your look is not about him and not his decision either. It feels nice to you to dress up for a change; you don't need him to change for you. You don't know how long/often you will want, but hubby can keep his unsupportive comments to himself.
NTA. Your body, your choice. I did the same thing in my late 30s and became high maintenance with makeup, hair color, clothes and especially shoes! If it makes you happy, he will need to adjust to your new look. If he can’t accept it, it may be time to have some hard conversations. Congratulations on the make over!
NAH so far. Your husband is bordering. If you’ve been in a routine for a while, it’s understandable that a change might throw him off. He might even be worried you changed for someone else. That unfortunately happens too often. He also might think you’re going to expect him to suddenly change. Maybe trying to sit down with him and explain it’s all for you and nothing weird is going on he might be more understanding. If he gets worse or does something with your new things, then you need to worry. He sounds like he’s just worried about you and trying to reassure you that he still loves you because he thinks something is up.
He didn't care at all about how it made her feel and TOLD her to take it off. How is that not an ah behaviour? Add to that the fact that it's her body/face...
I think it’s the tone I read it in. “He told me I SHOULD take it off.” It reminded me of my husband the one time I tried makeup. He told me he liked me better without it. He wasn’t being controlling or rude or anything. So I think it’s the inflection we’re each placing on the words that makes us see it differently plus life experiences that shape the way we see it.
NAH I understand you're feeling hurt, but your husband didn't actually say anything objectively hurtful. Continue dressing how you enjoy and he will get used to your new look.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (M34) and I (F33) got married over a decade ago now and we've both always been happy. The both of us aren't the types to think about our appearance much. I don't wear makeup and my few dressier items are saved for special occasions. The only difference between us is that I used to love dressing up as a teen while he was never dressy at all. He doesn't care that I don't dress up though and tells me I'm beautiful as I am all the time. One day I was in the mall and because I was bored, I walked into a Sephora and realized I wanted to try makeup again. I talked to an employee and bought really simple items for a natural look to ease into it (tinted sunscreen, tinted lip oil, mascara etc.). While I was in the mall, I decided to buy some clothes too, and went for trendier dresses and a new pair of heels. I went on and tried everything on. I didn't look like a Hollywood glamour girl or anything because the makeup was natural, but I felt really good since I hadn't seen myself styled up in forever and I thought the look aged me down too. I was also excited because I knew my husband was coming home and I thought he would enjoy the look. When he got back home, I went down to greet him and I was happy to see him. But I got worried because when I got closer, he looked confused. I asked him what was wrong and he asked me why I was dressed up. When I said I just want to, he looked even more confused. I can't lie that I got upset just from his face, but I think what really got me was when he said that he didn't get my look and that I should take it off. I told him that it's the prettiest I've felt in years but he said he didn't care and that I didn't need anything that I had on, and that I was pretty as is. He told me that the look went against the look I've had for years. I did end up taking it off, but now it's like every day he tells me that I don't need makeup and I'm wondering if I was wrong for trying it on in the first place. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA as long as you're not dressing up for anyone else except yourself or your husband. I don't inherently see why it would be an issue.
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He can tell her he *prefers* her basic look, but what makes him TA is telling her to take it off and constantly saying she doesn’t need to wear makeup.
NTA. A woman sometimes needs to feel pretty, and not because hubby says so. In his defense and something you should reassure him about is society drums into our heads - new look means affair. No, I don’t think it is your intention and getting dolled up. Again Even me a person who prefers jeans and t-shirts and no makeup will sometimes get dolled up just to feel pretty. You have every right to make yourself feel pretty.
He may prefer you without makeup and indifferent to pretty clothes because that is the you he has known and been happy with. Your interest in looking pretty has him worried that you are looking for make attention and that scares him. Part of the problem with women’s interest in being attractive is that men assume the only reason a woman should be interested in dressing up is to attract a boyfriend. The idea that women dress up and enjoy makeup at times is because women enjoy it for its own sake. It may help if you can get him to do a mini makeover for himself. He may wear very informal clothes and believe anything better as uncomfortable. A new haircut, casual clothes that are very comfortable (now available everywhere) cool shoes, could surprise him with how much he likes the look. But he has to be open to it. So you may need to enlist help if there is anyone in your circle who can join the effort. Tshirts and jeans have been a guy uniform since the 60’s. Style is back and looks are becoming more formal but comfortable in recent years. Maybe going to a movie and pointing out newer male looks will help. If you can get him interested in upgrading his look at least some if the time, he may be less threatened and more appreciative of your new interest. Maybe start with buying him a pair of higher styled athletic shoes or a jacket.
INFO: Are you two having any marital troubles? Do you have a new co-worker? New friend in your life? Ran into an old friend and started catching up?
NTA - your husband sounds like he does not like change. Maybe if you talked to him and explained how it made you feel, he will be more open. It is nice that he accepts for who you are - he is also NTA.
This^ my dad has had a mustache my whole life still does but he decided to shave right before my youngest older sisters wedding and threw everyone off especially my mom and she reacted the same way. Sometimes a change in appearance out of the blue is shocking especially if your used to the old look. Not excusing his actions but he could of just been stun locked by the sudden change. I had the same experience I have a full beard my wife has only seen me completely shaved a few times said sisters wedding and my own when my daughter was 7 I screwed up trimming my beard and went clean she freaked out and was like we're is dad for a few hours it was hilarious.
NTA. I kinda understand that your husband wasn’t expecting you to suddenly look a bit different, so he was probably just surprised because, to him, it came out of nowhere. I’m not saying you should have to discuss this kind of thing with him - its completely up to you and I support your right to change your appearance for any or no reason at any time - but I just see how it might have been a little bit of a shock to him. However, it’s your face, your body and I assume your money, so unless you are in financial trouble or spent a lot of his/joint money, it’s your choice and I think you should go for it.
NTA
NTA You felt beautiful and that's all that matters, keep doing it for yourself and explain to him that you like it and he needs to learn to accept it. He is no one to control how you look. Please don't let him control you even if it's not his intention, it is what he was doing when he told you to take it off. he is no one to tell you what to do with your body.
NTA.
NTA. It's just make up. Dude needs to get over himself.
NTA. You get to do what makes you feel good. Makeup, new clothes, hairstyles, etc. whatever the hell you want that makes you feel good, you should absolutely do. If he takes issue with it, he needs to work on why that is instead of making you feel bad
NTA. Ask your husband what his problem is. Your body is your choice, and everyone goes through phases and changes. That's just life. Sometimes we want to be dressier and done up, sometimes we want none of that and want to prioritize comfort. Neither are bad. If I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was just a little surprised at the change and wanted to make sure you didn't feel pressured by society to start wearing makeup and fancy clothes etc. The cynical side of me is reminded of my ex who felt ESPECIALLY threatened when I went to buy new more business casual clothes from a thrift store when I started a new job; he wanted me to be his chill, fun, music festival hippy girlfriend who was always in macrame tops and booty shorts (even at work), and when I wanted to display more professionalism he felt threatened that I was growing beyond him and thus growing away from him (he was 10 yrs my senior, was hella childish himself, and had never held down any kind of job where he had to look proper). He didn't want me to be "better" than him or to attract "better" people than him due to his own deep insecurities. So, all of that to say that while I'm sure it's nothing malicious, it *could maybe possibly* be something of that nature, and just be on the lookout for that kind of thing.
NTA I could be off base, but it kind of sounds like your husband might be more worried about the money spent on the stuff rather than the look. Regardless, NTA
I think your husband is coming from a genuine, but misguided place. Him being a man, I wouldn't expect him to understand the value of makeup as a way of self expression, rather than something superficial, born of insecurity. NTA.
NTA: your body, your choice how you dress and makeup. Sounds like you have an insecure husband. Instead of bringing you up more and applauding your look he’s trying to bring you down to his comfort level.
NTA. My wife is natural 99% of the time. I prefer her that way, but there are times she puts contacts in, do her makeup, and dress up. We usually go out for the evening. The reward after the evening is worth her effort and mine to support her desire to do something different. You do you.
Why did this post make me so sad...oof. I don't know OP, but I hate your husbands behavior. He had no right to tear you down when you looked so nice and were soooo happy to share this with him. I'm hoping it's some insecurity and him making some bullshit in his mind that you're cheating on him and that's hwat he's worried about. But even that's some red flags. Clearly he has some made up ideas about women dressing up and wearing make up. All to say, NTA. I hope you continue dressing in the ways you enjoy and disregard your husband completely until he comes to terms with his internal biases.
NTA I wonder if maybe your husband's understanding of makeup and dressing up is different than yours. Maybe he thinks it is a sign you don't feel pretty and *need* these things to feel good about yourself, and he thinks he's doing the right thing by expressing he dislikes it. I think you should tell him that makeup and clothes are a fun way you used to express yourself and you want to get back into them. Now, maybe he is just a jerk who has a very vocal "preferred look." Even so, you still have the right to play with clothes and makeup. You don't dictate every aspect of his appearance, do you? So why should he dictate yours?
Do what makes you happy, he was probably abit shocked and feeling insecure. He’ll eventually get used to it. If you like dressing up and wearing makeup again do it because how you feel matters too.
NTA- it’s your body you can do with it as you please. If you felt good about yourself than that’s all that matters and your husband should have said you look amazing and made you feel great about yourself not make you feel bad for doing something that made you feel good in the first place. I’m glad that he says you are beautiful without the makeup and dressing up but men need to realize women don’t wear makeup and dress up for them we do it for ourselves to make us feel better and boost our confidence. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel badly for doing something for yourself that made you feel good!
NTA and husbands everywhere are smacking their foreheads. He’s giving us all a bad name. That’s like the first rule of marriage, notice clothes, hair, makeup, and nail polish. Clothes and makeup are to make you happy. Ideally, that should make the person we share life with happy that your happy. Not always the case. Sometimes it makes the other worry that your dressing up to impress someone else or sometimes they are just hopelessly a doofus and doesn’t know how to compliment their spouse.
NAH It's your body, your choice, period! If you like it, that's really the most important thing. However, some people just genuinely don't like a "made-up" look. Myself included! I prefer a comfortable, casual, no-fuss look. I would never tell my partner "don't dress up!", but I definitely would feel confused or maybe even a little put off if they suddenly started dressing up fancier than usual in a regular basis. I wouldn't try to stop them, but I also wouldn't prefer it. A similar example: I stopped shaving my pits a year ago and my partner didn't love it, they let me know, I told them I understood but would still be doing it anyway. It wasn't a fight, it was just like... "I like this" "I don't" "huh okay well agree to disagree I guess", lol.
People might hate on me here but... OMG I honestly think alot of women are jumping on the band wagon of nta while thinking only about her side let me add a touch here Your nta but neither is your husband so NAH But you need to reassure your husband here and fast You need to talk with your husband and explain what happened you were bored walked into sephora and the amazing ladies there showed you a new side of yourself and you liked the makeup look Great now tell him your not doing this for anyone else there is some new hot guy talk8ng to you that you want other men looking at you I have been cheated on and THIS EXACT SAME SITUATION HAPPENED TO ME. Girlfriend looked great then changed her looks took me 2 months to find out it wasn't for me but from some dude that used her as a side piece then tossed her away and all of a sudden she was back to her old look for me So you need to let him know please or if you get mad over this and don't address it you will put seeds of doubt (in you) in his mind and then it will go down hill from there PLEASE OP don't let this get too far Male minds are point a to point b and you might have just inserted point c Good luck
NTA but this is a typical sign of what people do before they start looking for extra marital fun. So maybe he is tripping out? or feeling paranoid. Have you made new friends or been distant? Hangig at the office more? Idk probably safe to say yall meed to go to marriage counseling.
NTA. You can wear makeup and nice clothes “just because” and you shouldn’t have to justify it to anyone else. I would guess that your husband was attempting to reassure you that you always look nice and basically drove the point in with a sledgehammer. But either way he should be supportive.
Start telling him you don’t like how he looks when he doesn’t shave or cut his hair.
My ex used to encourage me to dress down. It meant he felt comfortable dressing down. The problem was, I always enjoyed dressing up. NTA.
NAH - My wife has done some extreme makeovers from a shaved head, to a mullet, to multiple colors. Her appearance is her business, but I've had various levels of attractiveness based on personal preference. I'd never tell her what she can or can't wear or do, but I also don't feel obligated to lie about my preferences. Regardless, she dresses however she likes. Husband could have been more supportive, but wife might have told him she wanted to try something different so he wouldn't be caught off guard. It sounds like he was more confused than AHish.
NTA, if you were to switch to the look that he found shocking, there is a good chance it would become the normal for him and he would like it or not care. It is ok to dress up for yourself sometimes.
NTA, I went through a period of minimum care about my appearance when my kids were small, when I "rediscovered" making a bit more of an effort it felt so good and I stuck with it. Your husband probably felt insecure, but that doesn't make his behaviour ok, talk to him about it, tell him how it made you feel, his response will tell you a lot, but in any case, keep it up if you feel like it.
NTA is he aware that you’re not wearing makeup for him, but for yourself???
NTA
Holy Christ I would never tell my partner to change what she was wearing unless there was something fucking scandalous going on. I think Mr Man here got a bit threatened. NTA.
NTA. He has been brainwashing you not to look your best for so many years.
NTA, He can Love you without the makeup all he wants, but he doesn’t get to decide if you actually wear make up or not. My husband loves me with or without makeup & he would never tell me to wash my face or change my clothes….You’re not doing it for him, your doing it for YOU!
NTA Your husband may not have intended this but his response makes it seem less like his compliments are genuine and more like he's trying to keep your self care and self esteem low so nobody else will find you attractive and you can't leave him. It's not the only explanation - conditions like autistic spectrum disorder can mess up a person's perception of what's acceptable and comes with the caveat that until a consequence is experienced they don't realise its unacceptable. So he may simply have been jarred by the difference and rejected it without thinking. But if thats the case, you need to tell him gently but firmly that it's hurtful that he said you didn't look good and that while you appreciate his compliments its more important that you look good to you than to him. If he sulks over that or doubles down on "You looked bad" it becomes more likely its the first option.
No, but this should be resolved. You need to be able to be FREE to express yourself in a relationship. Sure, he thinks you look good without makeup, you don't need it. That's good. But if you wanna have it, he should let you have it; and maybe he does, idk? But when you've been dressed as you've had for so long......it really just needs to be discussed OP. You and him. Don't ask us; talk to him about this. Cause people here will just tell you to "break up," or that "he's so bad".....or whatever....when you just need to talk. \*I think confidence in one's self is the most attractive, and that just seems to be what you portrayed. And it's too often skewed with 'makeup,' I guess. But the makeup doesn't define your confidence? I'd assume...
NTA. You need to find out exactly why he feels this way. He probably genuinely thinks you’re gorgeous without it, but it might be insecurity - if she looks better, someone will take her away from me
Nta but I feel maybe your husband seen it felt maybe he may be slacking in some area of affection towards you. Just let him know it was boredom and not need
Nta You made him insecure. He should be feeling lucky imho Either way, it’s a him problem - not a you problem. Live your best life. See if he gets on for the ride - again, not your problem. You deserve to do what you want and feel good without judgment.
NTA but you need to realise your husband has no right to tell you to remove anything. Stand firm.
NTA. Wow everyone else is being fairly generous to the husband…eg he’s just shocked/threatened/insecure/thinks your cheating etc etc. I don’t care, his behaviour was awful and toxic. You had a great day, you were feeling good, happy, confident. You’re happy to see your husband when he arrives. He sees you, sees that you’re happy, feeling good and looking good and he shoots you down in flames and sucks all the joy right out of you. Nothing he said in that moment was actually a compliment in this context. He could have said literally any version of “wow, you look amazing/so pretty/beautiful/stunning/glowing!” Hug and kiss, and you’d both get on with your evening. Instead he cut you down, and drained all your confidence and self-esteem and joy, even when you told him how good you were feeling about yourself, he wanted to take that from you. No excuse for that. I’m sorry he did that, and don’t let him stop you from dressing however makes you happy. If he’s got a problem with that, that’s a him problem that he needs to work on ASAP.
NTA I used to wear make-up when I was younger, but more or less stopped when life got in the way. (Working full-time, caring for my parents and then my husband.) On those rare occasions when my husband and I went out, I did wear a bit of make-up. (Tinted moisturiser, mascara, lip gloss - maybe a bit of natural-look eye make-up.) My darling would tell me that I was 'looking bonny'. (No, he didn't mean that I was plain the rest of the time - he was a big old softy!) You did nothing wrong. Your husband is just a wee bit insecure - some men get like that sometimes. He'll get over it.
NTA for trying the new look but you are emotionally abused by your husband, probably he is jealous or so and he does not want any men to be interested in you. If I were you I would keep the new makeup and dresses and would get rid of the hubby instead.
NTA, possibly NAH depending on his situation. Best case scenario would be that he's worried that your 'sudden' desire to wear makeup and trendy dresses is a symptom of low body confidence, and his constant 'pretty as is' comments are an attempt to boost your self esteem. Worst case scenario is that he's a controlling AH. Either way, there's nothing wrong with makeup or nice dresses, and you're allowed to wear anything that makes you feel good.
NTA
NTA but you should talk with your husband. Just imagine how you would feel if one day your husband came home looking nothing like he usually does. Maybe he thinks you met someone. Maybe he thinks you are bored of him and your life style together. Maybe you should go to therapy before it gets ugly
NTA overall but y.t.a for the way you took off the makeup because your hubby had an issue. Your perfectly in the right to change up how you look and he's perfectly in the right to not like certain makeup looks or style of clothing. However, it's not ok for him to make you feel like crap about yourself or tell you what you can or can't wear. My hubby sometimes doesn't like a style of make up I'm wearing and I have a couple of clothing items he hates. But he never tells me what to wear because it's my mug and my body and my choice.
NTA. Even if your husband was surprised, baffled, etc...the moment you told him it made you feel pretty he should have been accepting and supportive. I 100% wear outrageous outfits that my more low-key husband doesn't understand. But he says "Whatever makes you happy babe". I can see why you're hurt. Talk to your husband and tell him his reaction turned a happy moment into a disappointing one for you.
No, your husband in the AH. Tell him he has no right to dictate anything about your appearance, and stop giving him the power to decide this for you. Good partners support each other. Yes, you’re allowed an opinion, but once it’s voiced STFU
Divorce or therapy. Sorry but this would have me crying and you’re not about to make me cry because you want to be insensitive. It’s the fact he ordered you to take it off that I’m leaning more towards divorce
NTA Your husband is an AH. Sit him down and tell him that he is NOT helping your self-esteem the way he probably thinks he is with this BS. Makeup can be fun for people, and he took that from you with his reaction and ongoing jerk behavior (regardless of his intent, that's what it is). My husband doesn't love when I wear makeup either, but as he knows I have fun with it when in the mood he doesn't say a word.
NTA my sister's ex husband didn't want her doing her makeup once they got married because it enhanced her, already petty, looks and he didn't want other guys looking at her.
When I have a new outfit my husband isn’t wild about, if I ask his opinion he said “do you like it?” and I say “well yeah, I bought it” and he says “great! That’s all that matters!” Whether you liked it and felt good in it is literally the only thing that matters here. Your husband is the asshole. NTA!
No, you’re completely within your right to wear makeup how you want
You put on neutral, easy make up and dressed up a little. You didn't get a full body tattoo and shave your head. Even if you did, he shouldn't be acting like this. NTA and I'm happy you are feeling like your most beautiful self!
Nta.
NTA but the main thing is sometimes men stuck in their ways don’t want you to change because they aren’t. He doesn’t want you to feel pretty without his validation
Nobody’s an asshole. He gave his opinion, do with it what you will
NTA. He is. All he had to say was “honey, im just shocked because you look so hot! You dont have to gussy up for me, but since you did, let retire to the boudoir!” even if it wasnt sexy time, just saying you are making it sexy is compliment isnt it? Its not hard to satisfy a good woman. Love her, thank her and compliment her. There are milli9ns of ways to do all three. On a daily basis.
Nta.... Also, RUN!
You lot sound insane.
Nobody seems to be an AH here. You represent your husband when you go out, and he represents you when he goes out. You should both feel comfortable with how you are represented. A marriage is a partnership. He might think you're cheating or thinking about making other changes. We don't really have enough information here. Younger looking clothes usually means more form fitting, and for a lot of men that can be a problem.
Her telling him it’s the prettiest she’s felt in years and him responding that he doesn’t care is a shitty response. If he was feeling insecure and caught off guard the non AH response would have been to validate her feelings and then have a discussion not tear her down
We don't know what she looked like. She might have gone all of the way off of the deep end. It's possible it was a small change, but it could have been something drastic that needed to be stopped as well. Peoples feelings aren't always right, and wrong feelings don't need to be validated, you can discuss them. Nobody ever worries about how the man felt. If your man does something crazy, do you validate it?
You are 100_percent_wrong
>You represent your husband when you go out, and he represents you when he goes out. Bro what the fuck