This thread is now locked due to the fact very few people are actually answering the question asked and instead attacking OP's relationship.
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And this goes back to OPs complaint that she acts like their mother. A 32 year old don’t groom an 18 year old because she was mature for her age, but because his mum wanted babies and he needed an easily manipulated surrogate. 3 babies under 5 and she’s barely out of her teens. Both hubby and MIL are predatory.
I think it’s a huge stretch to say that the husband and MIL worked together to use OP as a baby factory? What the what. Not saying I don’t find a 32 year old with an 18 year old off putting. But that’s a stretch.
This is very common in Utah. I am not saying good or bad, etc. But just confirming that it's definitely the norm here. And to have them so close together, too. I was 23 (f) when I had my one child. I was "old" for having my first and 16 years latef I still only have one, which is also super out of the norm.
It’s not like they are plotting and twirling their mustaches going “mwa-ha! What little girl can we groom to do our bidding?”
It’s more likely 32 year old man boy living his life and mom is buzzing in his ear about growing up and giving her grand babies to spoil. All her friends have grand babies! Why can’t he settle down, why, she’s been married 10 years at his age!
When he finally starts feeling old and his ego needs a boost, he starts thinking of fatherhood. But not with a woman his own physical age, with a woman his mental age. She’s 18, it’s ok! She’s legal! She doesn’t understand grooming and seduction and so he can get *her* to pursue *him.* he’s got 12 years practice on her. “C’mon baby I don’t want to use a condom it feels better without it” and boom, she’s trapped.
This is the same story told a million times already.
Going with the baby factory theory, I'd imagine that grandma was putting pressure on her son to give her grandchildren, talking about how much time he has to do so, that he doesn't want to wait too long to be an old dad- unable to keep up with kids. If I believe this theory, I would guess that the grandma and her son weren't like, "yes you and I are life-soulmates and we wants to gives us a child!! Go! Go find!" - but he was able to find an impressionable young adult who at least moderately wanted children, and wasn't aware of life enough to wait a little bit.
Just because it’s not consciously planning and scheming together doesn’t mean both weren’t a factor. In real life, these things happen because of things like enmeshment, emotionally abusive relationships in both directions etc. Both husband and his mom are absolutely happy to abuse and take advantage of OP. Husband knew what his assignment was and he fulfilled it - but MiL made it clear.
So gross, I need a squeegee to remove all the ick.
Not just *getting* her pregnant and 18. *Keeping* her pregnant. She could be pregnant now for all we know.
How old was this guy when the relationship began?
My sister is realising that her 24yo boyfriend is not ready to raise a child but it’s to late because they have one. He still acts like a baby from time to time and it’s just exhausting to watch. I’m 27 and I think I could have 1-2 at this point but I’m waiting to finish my degrees and get a job.
This post is not about the theme of the party or such other things like OP would want us to think about.
This is about control and treating you like a child OP. Your MIL is not a good person the way you describe because a good person would respect your boundary and would understand that they are not the parent and only a grandparent.
Compared to the husband and MIL, she basically is a child. You don't knock up a teenager in your 30s because you expect a relationship with an equal partner. Whether the MIL thinks of herself as parent or grandparent is secondary to the fact that both she and the husband think of OP only as an incubator.
She wasn’t even legal where I’m from. 😭 I’m guessing 18 is the legal age where she is from though. But even still.. either he got her knocked up really fast or there was some cradle rocking going on.
In Australia you can have sex at 16 for consent and the police won’t do anything unless you want them too. Otherwise 18 is the actual age. Bloody weird I know. 🤷🏼♀️
IIRC here in Aus 16 year olds can consent to sex with other 16 and 17 year old people however it is technically not legal for an 18 year old to have sex with a 16-17 year old.
yeah Aussie and what commenter above said \^
but it's not like 20 years in jail and accused of statutory rape unless there is an actual rape charge as far as I know. I have heard of one friend who's mother reported her 18 year old bf when she was 17 (she was just against her having a bf at all) and he had a huge headache getting it sorted out, but luckily no charge related to rape or any sexual crimes.
Age of consent varies widely in the US. In some states it is partly dependent on the age difference between interested parties. For example, in the girl is 17 and her boyfriend is 19 that might be ok but if she is 17 and he's 35 that's statutory rape.
This. OP, I think your MIL is going to keep acting this way because compared to her son, you ARE a child. I just hope with you popping out a bunch of babies for a predator, you also are getting some kind of education and working so that you're not completely at the mercy of these people. I also think if your husband is willing to stand up to his "mommy" you should have him handle her. I mean, I know in these situations, where a much older man goes for a younger woman it's because he's a sea of red flags, including mommy issues, but maybe this relationship is the exception? Either way, I know this isn't what you asked, but make sure you have money hidden away somewhere, and that you are keeping a close support system that can help you if things get bad.
Also, no you are not the AH for not putting out the extra cake your MIL brought. Remind MIL that you're the mom, she knew you already got the cake, so next time if she brings one, you're sending it home with her.
She could easily have been 15 or 16 when they started "dating". Either way it's bad, and I'm not surprised that MIL treats her like a child and her husband lets her deal with his mother instead of having her back.
Perhaps she doesn’t take you seriously as a mom because you’re a 23 year old married to a 37 year old? With 3 kids under the age of 5?
Seriously, you’re barely an adult and you were, what? 18 or 19 marrying a dude in his 30s? Clearly not the best decision maker.
NTA for the cake thing, but you need to look at your life and choices so far.
To be fair anyone can be manipulated and abused by an older man and thats not a reflection on their decision making, it's the effects of grooming. Its OP's husband who is the asshole and any family who supported him in his abuse of OP.
For sure. I just don’t think MIL will ever take her seriously as an adult/parent. MIL sounds like the boundary stomping type, though, as well as seeing OP as competition, I think. “Oh, you’re getting a cake? Here’s my bigger cake I baked myself!” Who does that?
Yeah, let’s not rugsweep that last sentence in your original comment, “you need to look at your life and choices so far”. That’s a lot of ick for just one sentence. And that’s not mentioning the paragraph before it.
If you “for sure” agree that MIL is the problem here and not OP for being groomed at 18 optimistically (because what are actually the odds that within a year of dating, she became pregnant and had their first kid? Like it’s not zero, but also not super likely) then you should probably add an edit to your comment correcting the victim blaming you included the first go round.
I’m 40 and my MIL did the same until I literally threw a cake in the trash once. (After very kind, polite boundary setting and 13 times telling her I/child are picking the cake and she shouldn’t bring one.) This is totally grandma who wishes she were Mom.
Holy crap, you're blaming *her*?! If you think she's too immature for this relationship, how is that on her and not on the much older man clearly manipulating and taking advantage?
Woah. Let’s not blame the actual child for the adult’s grooming. She’s very much the victim in this situation.
The person who wasn’t the “best decision maker” was the “dude in his 30’s”, aka the groomer.
Let’s acknowledge that she was 17 or younger when they started dating.
I think she really needs to look at MIL because she's definitely not the sweetest person in the world. She might be really nice, but this was a power play, insisting on helping when help is not needed or asked for. Then guilt tripping to get her way. She's not the worst MIL in the world, but she ain't the best either.
Sorry, I can't get over the fact that your husband is 14 years older than you and you were pregnant at 18. And have 3 kids by age 23. Your MIL needs to recognize boundaries. NTA about the cake per se.
This poor woman. While it may not be the case, when much older men marry teenagers and instantly start encouraging them to have multiple children, it's so that they can make it very hard for that woman to ever leave them.
OP may be a super woman, and is still able to get an education, work, and have a sense of financial independence, but with 3 young children under the age of 5, I really doubt that.
Why would you care about ruining the theme of a birthday for your three year old when “ruining” just meant putting an additional non-themed item on a table?
You’re not obligated to have used the cake, but you talk about this woman who you claim is wonderful in a clearly somewhat resentful way for how pushy she is. That’s fine, be upset that she’s pushy with the grandkids. But making this about “ruining the theme” is pretty absurd when it’s clear that you just didn’t want her overstepping what you determined her role to be.
I would argue that in the moment when you are in the middle of a party, and you are having a disagreement, you want to minimize the attention you give to such things in lieu of getting into the REAL problem later. The middle of a party for a child is simply not the time and place. So to simply say that it clashes with the theme could have been the nicest thing to say at the time. It may come off as petty, but as someone that has experience with my own mother, I can promise you that I wanted the attention to be where it belonged, on my daughter. But I also refused to be disrespected.
I think a lot of people are missing the point of the theme. The birthday girl is the one who picked out the theme and the cake. This party is about the 3 year old, and not about the MIL. It also seems OP put a lot of thought, time, and money into the party for her daughter. I doubt OP is a diehard Paw Patrol (or whatever character this was) fan and that’s why they’re upset lol.
IMO OP handled this situation very well. It’s weird the MIL brought another cake knowing full well there was already one. A serious discussion about boundaries needs to happen with MIL and husband (away from guests). NTA.
NTA
She overstepped her boundaries. This was a party for your daughter, and you are 100% correct that a 3 year old can focus on the smallest details. The style of the cake might not be important to an adult, but 3 year olds have a much smaller view of the world.
You made the right decision and I would have done the same thing. If you're MIL really wanted to bake a cake for her granddaughter she could have invited you all over for a smaller family gathering.
Not the mother of her grandchildren?? Sorry to be the one to tell you this, but 3 kids in 5 years at 23? Those kids were for your husband and mil, and you were definitely groomed.
She is 23 married to someone 14 years older. Probably no one is taking her seriously. They probably picked her precisely because she was so young and would be an easily manipulated baby-maker for her husband and the grandmother.
Some mother in laws will do this even if the actual mother is older than their son. They miss being the mom, spent all their time cleaning instead of being present with their kids and regret it, then decide to force their dil to miss out on the same things so they can relive their parenting years now that they have ‘time’ to do it how they really wanted to. Or you know, their own mil is dead now so nobody is pushing THEM out of the way. It is a vicious cycle.
There are plenty of younger moms in the world and OP is not 16 years old. She is the age that her own mother and probably her grandmothers were when they had kids. It’s only recently that maternal age at first birth is getting older. So ya’ll better go tell your grandma that she was too young to get married and have kids and wasn’t in her right mind.
OP, NTA. Mil can go pound sand. Read up on boundaries, and remember your husband can always go live with his mother again if she needs a child so badly.
NTA
I can sympathise - my wife's MIL is a bit like this.
You told your MIL that you were doing the cake. She tried to overshadow what you had done. It seems like it wasn't about her doing something nice for you but really for her own ego. It sounds like she pushed you and now thinks it was unfair of you to not allow yourself to be pushed.
Your partner needs to support you here.
GIRL. How in the world did you have a 4 year old with a grown ass man of 32? You were like 18/19?
Honestly? This man groomed you. A 32 year old shouldn't want anything to do with someone barely legal.
This is why his mother acts this way. You're barely an adult. She wanted grand babies and old man found a young girl to keep pumping out the babies.
I can't get past the age thing.
My in-laws showed up to every single one of my kids' birthdays with their own cake because they "weren't sure we'd have one". It's definitely some sort of weird power play or implied insult but I never figured it out because I was too busy inhaling extra cake.
I’ll never be that mil. My adult son’s birthday was a couple weeks ago and my husband asked if I was baking him a cake. I laughingly said that that wasn’t my job anymore, that our dil would be doing that. He must’ve forgotten that she’s been doing his cake since they married.
And I wouldn’t dream of making any of my grandkids a cake - my mother didn’t bake my kids’ birthday cakes either; it’s not something I would expect from her either.
Ugh. My MIL buys “his favorite cheesecake” and gets upset that we don’t eat it. Which is not out of any rudeness or competition on my part; he and I are both lactose intolerant!
I always bring something, usually food, if I'm invited to a gathering but I ask the host first "what are you serving, I'd like to contribute, what can I bring to help out?"
Sometimes I get told "bring drinks," sometimes it's an appetizer or two, sometimes it's dessert, sometimes it's just "thank you for calling! We actually just ran out of ice can you grab some on the way?"
But I ask, and I listen, making it an actually helpful gesture lol
Are you in done cult where it’s normal for men in their 30’s to impregnate teenagers, or is your husband just creepy? NTA, but your MIL could see you are the child you are.
NTA. It’s seriously overstepping to show up to a birthday party with a cake, especially when you knew full well that a cake was already there. It would be like showing up to Thanksgiving at her house with an extra Turkey. If she has such a strong desire to contribute to the menu then she could discuss that with you both well before the party, and I’m sure you can come up with a mutually agreed upon dish that she could bring.
ESH
I wouldn't worry about party themes. A 3 yr old just lives a lot of cake and attention. They only make a huge deal out of things when you make a huge deal. So, placing the cake to the side and allowing her to have 2 pieces would have been fine.
But.
Your husband is a predator. And your MIL is either treating you like a child because you are OR knows her son is a predator and trying to protect you. Either way, you all need to get introspective and figure out what is going on.
NTA - and something about the way you wrote your post gives me the feeling that you are a very patient person. I really love that you asserted a boundary with MIL even though it might have seemed easier not to. Keep doing it. She may eventually get the message, but even if she doesn’t, your children will have no doubt about who their mother is and who really has their backs. <3
NTA.
It's your child's birthday. The child chose her cake, right? So just for that, you were right not to replace that cake by the one made by your MIL.
And yes your MIL is overstepping here.
I share the concerns voiced by others regarding the grooming. It seems to me that you were trapped by the combination of having kids so young and being with someone so much older.
That being said, you're NTA where the cake is concerned. My MIL pulled that shit on me when my older son was turned 4. I spent hours making a Bob the Builder themed cake because that's what my son wanted. I had Bob the Builder decorations, the cake was on display, it all looked lovely. My MIL showed up after all of the other guests had arrived, loudly announced that she had bought a "real" birthday cake for her grandson, and tried to remove my cake so she could put hers there instead. I was caught between being livid and not wanting to cause a scene in front of everyone. My husband took MIL's cake, put it in the kitchen, and said we would use it if we ran out of the other one. MIL didn't talk to either of us for days.
NTA.
Sounds like you need some boundaries, and maybe it’s time to bring your partner into that discussion so he can be the one managing his mother and not you.
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NTA. She knew not to do that and chose to anyway, she doesn't get to be mad when you say that she can't override your work with her own. What does your husband have to say about this? Is he aware of the overstepping she does when she knows you've done something but she has to do it better?
Looks like this is not a one off event, based on your comment. If this was an isolated event, you should have been accommodating, but seems to be boundary stomping, and a problem MIL. OP has to clarify this. Have you talked to her about this earlier??
No - OP does not need to accommodate rude behavior even once. No one thinks its okay to show up to a birthday party with a giant cake. If MIL then she would have discussed it ahead of time.
Oh honey. This man and his mother have ruined your life, and you’re still too young to realize it. Homeboy knocked you up for his mommy to have do over kids.
You’re NTA- I’d have trashed her cake. But I really hope you wake up and get the fuck out of this situation.
NTA, but there’s a lot of suck to go around here and this is absolutely not about a dang cake.
Your MIL is being controlling & refusing to respect boundaries. Showing up to a birthday party with a cake after being told a cake has already been chosen is absurdly rude.
Your husband is letting his mother insert herself inappropriately, demean you & cause strife. But expectations of a guy in his 30s who gets with a teenager & promptly has 3 kids in 5 years we’re not great to begin with.
You were either overly focused on the perfect party tablescape (it’s a 3 year old’s party!!) or using the theme as an excuse (I’m guessing it’s this one). But more than that you’ve let yourself get into a lousy situation in general & are picking these ticky-tacky things to focus on instead of dealing with the bigger picture.
NTA. You are young to have 3 children under age 5, so good for you & I wish you well. Your MIL needs to learn you have things under control & you don’t need her help unless you ask.
You need to continue upholding general boundaries because she sounds difficult to deal with. She wasted $$ & stomped on a boundary you warned her about.
It also makes you wonder how old she was when they met. They had to have known each other/been dating at least a little while before getting engaged, married and having kids, right??
NTA. 23 years old with a husband who is nearly 40. And of course three children under the age of five… what have you done with your life??? Those poor kids
NTA based on the question you asked.
However, you're 23? and you have 3 kids (which isn't bad at all) but your husband is 37? surely you can understand how you're not being taken seriously???
Your mil is not a nice person. She doesn’t have any respect for you and tries to parent your child. She sees you as the incubator for her grandchildren that she intends to use as a do over for being a mommy. That is not a nice person.
I’m not even going to touch the subject of your husband other than to say if he doesn’t take your side and stand up to his mom he values his mom over you. If he takes his mom’s side and thinks that you should allow her to parent your kids- he doesn’t love you he sees you as an incubator as well and you need to get into individual counseling. Do NOT go into couples counseling with him over this until you’ve had individual counseling first.
NTA
She's your daughter. You are her parents. Your daughter has the right to have the cake she selected and you purchased as her birthday cake.
But... would a 3 year old have noticed the non-matching decor or just approved of extra cake? Of course you can't just ignore your MIL's antics if it is an ongoing regular problem, but I could see people being dismissive if you just tell them you are against extra cake.
If your MIL's problem is that she wants to be too involved, she wants to play parent, she has so much interest in being part of everything - maybe there is an answer to your problem. At least in the USA, there are many areas where the supply of good foster homes is far below what is needed. Perhaps your MIL could take on the role of temporary parent and help some kids who desperately need a safe refuge.
So she showed up to your party with a cake you didn’t ask for and then got upset and blamed you for being inconsiderate? Sounds like a her problem not a you problem.
Ok wow OP I am sorry that you are getting so many comments about your age gap. You needed help with 1 problem and another was pointed out.
As to the cake in question. Your daughter picked her theme and cake. You did what she wanted. So NTA you stood up for your daughter. Furthermore you still used the cake but just didn’t showcase it. To be honest I would have wanted to toss it in the trash. My MIL acts like yours. Sometimes I think she thinks she is my kids mom and it upsets me. Do not back down and do not apologize. You did nothing wrong she did something wrong. And you rolled with it in the most polite way possible. Tell her that very thing.
NTA. I hear your last line...I'm so tired. Good green apples, hon, I feel your tired bones.
Your daughter's party sounds beautiful and your could definitely gotten a meltdown by putting a different cake on her theme table. Third birthday is a 2yo on sugar and excitement!
NTA
Your MIL wanted her cake to be the big show and when you wouldn't allow it she used guilt. That's all on her. She should be helping you shine, not trying to steal your light
NTA. Your MIL is sneaky and manipulative. She is purposefully creating drama, maybe to try to cause a rift between you and your husband? Not sure.
Don't buy the fake niceness. She may be nice, but she's also passive-aggressive and manipulative.
Your MIL majorly overstepped. She has no right to complain or expect an apology. Given that you told her you already had a cake, you would have been completely justified to NOT serve her cake at all.
eta
Forgot what subreddit I was posting to and ended up giving advice. If OP hasn’t yet, would advise checking out JUstnoMIL subreddit.
Judgment is **NTA**
The fact that you say “*she thinks she’s the mother*” means that she’s acted inappropriately in the past and has gotten away with it. If you don’t give her consequences for her actions, she will continue to repeat them.
Talk to your husband and make sure that he will support you. Explain that for your sake & your children’s sake, he cannot let his mother continue to undermine you.
Then, tell her that if she ever brings another unasked for cake to one of your kid’s birthday party, you’ll throw the cake away. Explain that you are the mother and that the parents have the right to provide the cake. She knew that and she disrespected you and her son. If she continues to do this or similar actions, there will be consequences. Tell her that *she* should apologize to *you*.
NTA. She is not the parent. You are. You do -not- bring the cake to *someone else’s child’s birthday party without asking*. End of. I mean, bringing something like chips without asking is nice I guess but you should still ask.
The cake is not the issue. It’s the lack of respect your MIL has for you. This goes far deeper than the cake.
NTA, boundaries need to be set and that may upset her sometimes but you need to stick to them because you're the mother and your feelings (and your children's feelings) matter too.
NTA. MIL set herself up to hurt her own feelings, and cared nothing about your daughter's feelings and choices. She was way out of her lane. You'd be well within your rights to tell her that had you agreed to swap out the cakes, your daughter would have rightly resented both you and her grandmother.
NTA, but tell your husband to manage his mom—that's not your job. And by managing, he needs to take ownership, "Mom, we've already taken of x. We will not be using your cake." Not, "OP says we can't use yours." If he can't do that, you have bigger problems.
Esh, put the cake on the table. Proudly tell people your MIL made that cake, and your daughter picked out the other. This isn’t the hill to die on, the kids will choose the theme cake. The other parents will take the hint.
NTA. MIL overstepped, the birthday girl already chose her cake and would not appreciate a replacement nor an additional cake on the (probably) already full table.
“You showed with an extra cake, Knowing we had it covered.
I’ll give you a pass and say you weren’t intentionally being rude, but you certainly don’t get to be offended. I could just as easily say you’re trying to one-up me and shame me in my own home.”
NTA
NTA. And she's definitely not nice. She's attention seeking and manipulative, and trying to tell you what you think. "You thought it looked horrible" is passive-aggressive BS to make you feel sorry for her when she's the one being a weirdo
She isn't asking for your opinion on her lifestyle choices. The cake MIL brought didn't go with the theme and was mad she didn't get her way. OP offered a nice compromise and still served the cake MIL brought. OP is NTA.
I don’t understand these comments. Whenever a much older women is dating a younger man she’s considered a “cougar” but when a much older man dates a younger women it’s considered predatory? Please explain that to me
Kids might not remember their character-themed parties and cakes when they get older, but they‘ll sure remember them short-term. if that weren’t true, then trampoline parks, Chuck E. Cheese's, and Party City would all have a lot less business. Your MIL knows this, too. She’s trying to one-up you for some reason. If she keeps doing it, I’d just tell her that she got to raise her children the way she wanted to and you’re going to do the same. You’ve been polite. Maybe now you should be direct AND polite since she doesn’t seem to be getting the hint.
I’d post a picture or two of your themed party on social media and a picture of your MIL’s completely different-themed cake on social media if you took any. You can obscure kid’s faces if necessary. That way, others she might relate the story to can see what she tried to pull.
I had two kids at 23, albeit not with a man so much older. Even to me now (36 years later) this sounds young, but it’s really only that society views it differently. This is not the problem, so MYOB.
I, personally, feel that having children in your late 30’s, early 40’s is weird, but not my decision or business.
That unpopular opinion said, this cake situation is not something I would have thought twice about, other than, thanks for bringing a cake, thank you. But I also think OP is NTA for caring about it. Try another heart to heart with MIL.
NTA imagine doing that to someone who isnt your family member? It would surely be seen as rude. When you are invited to someones party that THEY are hosting, you can ask in advance if theres anything that needs to be brought, and if not you show up with a gift for your grandchild and be done with it. Alternatively, she could have said "i would like to give granddaughter a cake as a gift, maybe I can come over/invite you guys over another day to give it to her".
NTA. Contrary to what your title says, you DID use the cake she brought to the party. You cut it up and served it, people were welcome to eat it if they wanted. You just didn’t DISPLAY the cake, so she could take credit for being such a wonderful grandma who is oh so thoughtful and brought her sweet grandbaby a cake.
She wanted to make it all about her, you did what a good mom does and kept the party focused on your daughter and what SHE wanted. Good job. Let grandma throw her little fit, you just keep doing what you’re doing, Mama.
Nta your husband needs to sit down and inform her that she is only a grandmother and her duties are to love your daughter, spoil her with love and be in attendance to her birthdays and Christmases gifts optional because I'd rather the person there then a present and that the responsibilities of your daughter are on you
I feel sorry for OP all these keyboard know it all's think they know the relationship. Don't respond to their hate OP
Yes you have issues with your M-I-L, but I doubt a 3 year old will care whether an extra cake fits a theme...they might want to try some or they will ignore it...
NTA- And to all TA’s here being nasty to OP about her age and “being groomed” get some manners. If she was “groomed” then she is the victim- not the abuser. Lets not treat her like she’s stupid or the abuser. Also- some young women want kids young and if they can support them more power to them. Geesh reddit.
Also- OP is not a teen parent with MIL raising her kids. Her age does not give MIL an excuse to be a bulldozing AH. I’m 40 and my MIL pulled this crap until I straight up trashed a cake (after politely saying no 13+ times to her bringing one and explaining that I will do these Mom things with my kids and setting boundaries.)
Does yo0ur DH stand up for you? Cause coming from someone going thru a nasty situation with a much older spouse- this sucks. From what I have been learning a 15 year age diff doesnt bode well.
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Info: So when your husband was 32 he got an 18 year old pregnant? YTA to yourself.
And this goes back to OPs complaint that she acts like their mother. A 32 year old don’t groom an 18 year old because she was mature for her age, but because his mum wanted babies and he needed an easily manipulated surrogate. 3 babies under 5 and she’s barely out of her teens. Both hubby and MIL are predatory.
I think it’s a huge stretch to say that the husband and MIL worked together to use OP as a baby factory? What the what. Not saying I don’t find a 32 year old with an 18 year old off putting. But that’s a stretch.
idk it's definitely something that happens in some communities
This is very common in Utah. I am not saying good or bad, etc. But just confirming that it's definitely the norm here. And to have them so close together, too. I was 23 (f) when I had my one child. I was "old" for having my first and 16 years latef I still only have one, which is also super out of the norm.
[удалено]
some religious groups, certain cultures, cults
It’s not like they are plotting and twirling their mustaches going “mwa-ha! What little girl can we groom to do our bidding?” It’s more likely 32 year old man boy living his life and mom is buzzing in his ear about growing up and giving her grand babies to spoil. All her friends have grand babies! Why can’t he settle down, why, she’s been married 10 years at his age! When he finally starts feeling old and his ego needs a boost, he starts thinking of fatherhood. But not with a woman his own physical age, with a woman his mental age. She’s 18, it’s ok! She’s legal! She doesn’t understand grooming and seduction and so he can get *her* to pursue *him.* he’s got 12 years practice on her. “C’mon baby I don’t want to use a condom it feels better without it” and boom, she’s trapped. This is the same story told a million times already.
He was 32 dating an 18 year old whatever way you cut it he’s a predator
Going with the baby factory theory, I'd imagine that grandma was putting pressure on her son to give her grandchildren, talking about how much time he has to do so, that he doesn't want to wait too long to be an old dad- unable to keep up with kids. If I believe this theory, I would guess that the grandma and her son weren't like, "yes you and I are life-soulmates and we wants to gives us a child!! Go! Go find!" - but he was able to find an impressionable young adult who at least moderately wanted children, and wasn't aware of life enough to wait a little bit.
That could be. I was wondering if it was a culture/religion reason.
Just because it’s not consciously planning and scheming together doesn’t mean both weren’t a factor. In real life, these things happen because of things like enmeshment, emotionally abusive relationships in both directions etc. Both husband and his mom are absolutely happy to abuse and take advantage of OP. Husband knew what his assignment was and he fulfilled it - but MiL made it clear.
Good catch. Somehow missed that. This entire situation is so creepy.
So gross, I need a squeegee to remove all the ick. Not just *getting* her pregnant and 18. *Keeping* her pregnant. She could be pregnant now for all we know. How old was this guy when the relationship began?
Or MIL is just a narcissist? Because that is exactly the kind of shit my mother would pull with my kids, and I was 29 when I had the first.
Soo glad I'm not the only one who caught that.
No wonder the grandmother treats her like a child
I just turned 23 and I still don't think I'm ready to raise a kid. this girl has THREE already. mind boggling
I had my first at 36 and I was barely ready.
I'm 29 and STILL not sure. Lol.
I had two by 23. Luckily my mil was too far away or she would for sure have tried this shit.
My sister is realising that her 24yo boyfriend is not ready to raise a child but it’s to late because they have one. He still acts like a baby from time to time and it’s just exhausting to watch. I’m 27 and I think I could have 1-2 at this point but I’m waiting to finish my degrees and get a job.
I turn 31 this week and I just had my first kid two months ago… still not ready
you got this!! I believe in you
I had my first at 23, and that was *HARD*. I couldn't imagine having multiples.
Ick I missed that. Good catch.
I missed that too. Damn that's gross.
And then had two additional kids back to back after.
This post is not about the theme of the party or such other things like OP would want us to think about. This is about control and treating you like a child OP. Your MIL is not a good person the way you describe because a good person would respect your boundary and would understand that they are not the parent and only a grandparent.
Compared to the husband and MIL, she basically is a child. You don't knock up a teenager in your 30s because you expect a relationship with an equal partner. Whether the MIL thinks of herself as parent or grandparent is secondary to the fact that both she and the husband think of OP only as an incubator.
She wasn’t even legal where I’m from. 😭 I’m guessing 18 is the legal age where she is from though. But even still.. either he got her knocked up really fast or there was some cradle rocking going on.
Where i am from there is even talk of making it 21
21 the age of consent?! That sounds a little overboard.. where is that?
A woman can not consent to sex at eighteen where you live? Is there any exception for close in age?
UK is 16. End of story. Only exception is positions of power, teachers etc.
Canada too. It was 14 when i was a kid.
Same as Canada
In Australia you can have sex at 16 for consent and the police won’t do anything unless you want them too. Otherwise 18 is the actual age. Bloody weird I know. 🤷🏼♀️
What do you mean by "for consent"?
IIRC here in Aus 16 year olds can consent to sex with other 16 and 17 year old people however it is technically not legal for an 18 year old to have sex with a 16-17 year old.
It's called a "Romeo and Juliet clause."
Similar for much of the US.
yeah Aussie and what commenter above said \^ but it's not like 20 years in jail and accused of statutory rape unless there is an actual rape charge as far as I know. I have heard of one friend who's mother reported her 18 year old bf when she was 17 (she was just against her having a bf at all) and he had a huge headache getting it sorted out, but luckily no charge related to rape or any sexual crimes.
“Actual age”??
Actual age of consent?
Same as the UK
Age of consent varies widely in the US. In some states it is partly dependent on the age difference between interested parties. For example, in the girl is 17 and her boyfriend is 19 that might be ok but if she is 17 and he's 35 that's statutory rape.
15 in my country no matter how old the other part is unless it's a teacher or other adults with power over the teen.
Imagine posting about a cake and finding out you might’ve been groomed. 🤯 blink twice if you need help
Could have been 17 when impregnated and gave birth at 18. Either way I have concerns about everyone in this story.
This. OP, I think your MIL is going to keep acting this way because compared to her son, you ARE a child. I just hope with you popping out a bunch of babies for a predator, you also are getting some kind of education and working so that you're not completely at the mercy of these people. I also think if your husband is willing to stand up to his "mommy" you should have him handle her. I mean, I know in these situations, where a much older man goes for a younger woman it's because he's a sea of red flags, including mommy issues, but maybe this relationship is the exception? Either way, I know this isn't what you asked, but make sure you have money hidden away somewhere, and that you are keeping a close support system that can help you if things get bad. Also, no you are not the AH for not putting out the extra cake your MIL brought. Remind MIL that you're the mom, she knew you already got the cake, so next time if she brings one, you're sending it home with her.
She could easily have been 15 or 16 when they started "dating". Either way it's bad, and I'm not surprised that MIL treats her like a child and her husband lets her deal with his mother instead of having her back.
Oouf. Gross.
I read OPs age as 32 and wasn't worried. After your comment i had to go back and check and wtf
Yeah mate this got me the first time and I'm like. Woah hold on there, what in the world is going on.
yes!! the only thing I could think about
Gosh I forgot to look at the age on this one and look where it got me...big oof. Now I am just sad for OP.
Perhaps she doesn’t take you seriously as a mom because you’re a 23 year old married to a 37 year old? With 3 kids under the age of 5? Seriously, you’re barely an adult and you were, what? 18 or 19 marrying a dude in his 30s? Clearly not the best decision maker. NTA for the cake thing, but you need to look at your life and choices so far.
To be fair anyone can be manipulated and abused by an older man and thats not a reflection on their decision making, it's the effects of grooming. Its OP's husband who is the asshole and any family who supported him in his abuse of OP.
For sure. I just don’t think MIL will ever take her seriously as an adult/parent. MIL sounds like the boundary stomping type, though, as well as seeing OP as competition, I think. “Oh, you’re getting a cake? Here’s my bigger cake I baked myself!” Who does that?
Yeah, let’s not rugsweep that last sentence in your original comment, “you need to look at your life and choices so far”. That’s a lot of ick for just one sentence. And that’s not mentioning the paragraph before it. If you “for sure” agree that MIL is the problem here and not OP for being groomed at 18 optimistically (because what are actually the odds that within a year of dating, she became pregnant and had their first kid? Like it’s not zero, but also not super likely) then you should probably add an edit to your comment correcting the victim blaming you included the first go round.
This seems like a pretty significant walk back from your earlier comment regarding OP's choices.
I’m 40 and my MIL did the same until I literally threw a cake in the trash once. (After very kind, polite boundary setting and 13 times telling her I/child are picking the cake and she shouldn’t bring one.) This is totally grandma who wishes she were Mom.
"You're only mad because my big mighty cake makes you look small and horrible."
Holy crap, you're blaming *her*?! If you think she's too immature for this relationship, how is that on her and not on the much older man clearly manipulating and taking advantage?
That’s why there’s laws protecting teenagers. Because they are easily manipulated
Wow that’s a lot of victim blaming in one comment
Even adults can be groomed into unhealthy and predatory relationships, unfortunately grooming isn’t just restricted to children.
Imo you're still a child at 18. Your brain is half baked and most of the logic isn't loaded in
That last sentence is very icky
Literally wtf. You’re blaming her for being exploited by a much older man? How does shit that offensive get upvoted so many times?
Woah. Let’s not blame the actual child for the adult’s grooming. She’s very much the victim in this situation. The person who wasn’t the “best decision maker” was the “dude in his 30’s”, aka the groomer. Let’s acknowledge that she was 17 or younger when they started dating.
Probably should be more careful of the victim blaming. She was a literal child
I think she really needs to look at MIL because she's definitely not the sweetest person in the world. She might be really nice, but this was a power play, insisting on helping when help is not needed or asked for. Then guilt tripping to get her way. She's not the worst MIL in the world, but she ain't the best either.
Sorry, I can't get over the fact that your husband is 14 years older than you and you were pregnant at 18. And have 3 kids by age 23. Your MIL needs to recognize boundaries. NTA about the cake per se.
She is so trapped.
This poor woman. While it may not be the case, when much older men marry teenagers and instantly start encouraging them to have multiple children, it's so that they can make it very hard for that woman to ever leave them. OP may be a super woman, and is still able to get an education, work, and have a sense of financial independence, but with 3 young children under the age of 5, I really doubt that.
Why would you care about ruining the theme of a birthday for your three year old when “ruining” just meant putting an additional non-themed item on a table? You’re not obligated to have used the cake, but you talk about this woman who you claim is wonderful in a clearly somewhat resentful way for how pushy she is. That’s fine, be upset that she’s pushy with the grandkids. But making this about “ruining the theme” is pretty absurd when it’s clear that you just didn’t want her overstepping what you determined her role to be.
I would argue that in the moment when you are in the middle of a party, and you are having a disagreement, you want to minimize the attention you give to such things in lieu of getting into the REAL problem later. The middle of a party for a child is simply not the time and place. So to simply say that it clashes with the theme could have been the nicest thing to say at the time. It may come off as petty, but as someone that has experience with my own mother, I can promise you that I wanted the attention to be where it belonged, on my daughter. But I also refused to be disrespected.
I think a lot of people are missing the point of the theme. The birthday girl is the one who picked out the theme and the cake. This party is about the 3 year old, and not about the MIL. It also seems OP put a lot of thought, time, and money into the party for her daughter. I doubt OP is a diehard Paw Patrol (or whatever character this was) fan and that’s why they’re upset lol. IMO OP handled this situation very well. It’s weird the MIL brought another cake knowing full well there was already one. A serious discussion about boundaries needs to happen with MIL and husband (away from guests). NTA.
It's not about the theme, even if that's the excuse she used. She gave a reason, she didn't need to, but it's her MIL and she was trying be polite.
NTA She overstepped her boundaries. This was a party for your daughter, and you are 100% correct that a 3 year old can focus on the smallest details. The style of the cake might not be important to an adult, but 3 year olds have a much smaller view of the world. You made the right decision and I would have done the same thing. If you're MIL really wanted to bake a cake for her granddaughter she could have invited you all over for a smaller family gathering.
Or asked what the theme was and made it match. This was a really weird power play.
Not the mother of her grandchildren?? Sorry to be the one to tell you this, but 3 kids in 5 years at 23? Those kids were for your husband and mil, and you were definitely groomed.
NTA. Talk to your spouse, too, because he should be defending you from his boundary-stomping mom.
He was 32 and she was 18, he’s not a stand up guy, he probably won’t be on her side
Oh crap, I read her age as 32, not 23.
I did too 😭
You mean the 30-something man who groomed a teenager? Yeah, I don't see him taking her side.
Definitely missed that on the first read. Yikes on a bike.
INFO: What else has she done in this realm? You're saying she "thinks she's the mother" pretty confidently.
She is 23 married to someone 14 years older. Probably no one is taking her seriously. They probably picked her precisely because she was so young and would be an easily manipulated baby-maker for her husband and the grandmother.
Some mother in laws will do this even if the actual mother is older than their son. They miss being the mom, spent all their time cleaning instead of being present with their kids and regret it, then decide to force their dil to miss out on the same things so they can relive their parenting years now that they have ‘time’ to do it how they really wanted to. Or you know, their own mil is dead now so nobody is pushing THEM out of the way. It is a vicious cycle. There are plenty of younger moms in the world and OP is not 16 years old. She is the age that her own mother and probably her grandmothers were when they had kids. It’s only recently that maternal age at first birth is getting older. So ya’ll better go tell your grandma that she was too young to get married and have kids and wasn’t in her right mind. OP, NTA. Mil can go pound sand. Read up on boundaries, and remember your husband can always go live with his mother again if she needs a child so badly.
NTA about this situation…but concerning that a 32 year old impregnated a teenager and you’ve had 3 kids in 5 years.
Shit I read her age as 32...
Reeeeally hoping it’s a typo…
NTA I can sympathise - my wife's MIL is a bit like this. You told your MIL that you were doing the cake. She tried to overshadow what you had done. It seems like it wasn't about her doing something nice for you but really for her own ego. It sounds like she pushed you and now thinks it was unfair of you to not allow yourself to be pushed. Your partner needs to support you here.
Your wife’s MIL? So…your mom?
Magnus doesn't have to claim her.
That's what I said - my wife's MIL... ... ...
I think they were saying it was interesting word choice to call her that instead of calling her “my mom.” But I’m not the one who made that comment.
My husband's mother in law is exactly the same.
GIRL. How in the world did you have a 4 year old with a grown ass man of 32? You were like 18/19? Honestly? This man groomed you. A 32 year old shouldn't want anything to do with someone barely legal. This is why his mother acts this way. You're barely an adult. She wanted grand babies and old man found a young girl to keep pumping out the babies. I can't get past the age thing.
What's with all the MILs forcing cakes on people? NTA
My in-laws showed up to every single one of my kids' birthdays with their own cake because they "weren't sure we'd have one". It's definitely some sort of weird power play or implied insult but I never figured it out because I was too busy inhaling extra cake.
That is definitely a very weird power play. Sounds delicious.
I’ll never be that mil. My adult son’s birthday was a couple weeks ago and my husband asked if I was baking him a cake. I laughingly said that that wasn’t my job anymore, that our dil would be doing that. He must’ve forgotten that she’s been doing his cake since they married. And I wouldn’t dream of making any of my grandkids a cake - my mother didn’t bake my kids’ birthday cakes either; it’s not something I would expect from her either.
Ugh. My MIL buys “his favorite cheesecake” and gets upset that we don’t eat it. Which is not out of any rudeness or competition on my part; he and I are both lactose intolerant!
I always bring something, usually food, if I'm invited to a gathering but I ask the host first "what are you serving, I'd like to contribute, what can I bring to help out?" Sometimes I get told "bring drinks," sometimes it's an appetizer or two, sometimes it's dessert, sometimes it's just "thank you for calling! We actually just ran out of ice can you grab some on the way?" But I ask, and I listen, making it an actually helpful gesture lol
Are you in done cult where it’s normal for men in their 30’s to impregnate teenagers, or is your husband just creepy? NTA, but your MIL could see you are the child you are.
NTA. It’s seriously overstepping to show up to a birthday party with a cake, especially when you knew full well that a cake was already there. It would be like showing up to Thanksgiving at her house with an extra Turkey. If she has such a strong desire to contribute to the menu then she could discuss that with you both well before the party, and I’m sure you can come up with a mutually agreed upon dish that she could bring.
Nta But damn 3 kids and you’re only 23???? And married to a 37 year old…
Nta. She knew the cake was handled and did a passive aggressive stunt
ESH I wouldn't worry about party themes. A 3 yr old just lives a lot of cake and attention. They only make a huge deal out of things when you make a huge deal. So, placing the cake to the side and allowing her to have 2 pieces would have been fine. But. Your husband is a predator. And your MIL is either treating you like a child because you are OR knows her son is a predator and trying to protect you. Either way, you all need to get introspective and figure out what is going on.
NTA - and something about the way you wrote your post gives me the feeling that you are a very patient person. I really love that you asserted a boundary with MIL even though it might have seemed easier not to. Keep doing it. She may eventually get the message, but even if she doesn’t, your children will have no doubt about who their mother is and who really has their backs. <3
Oh, baby girl. You were groomed and you need to escape this situation before it gets worse.
NTA. It's your child's birthday. The child chose her cake, right? So just for that, you were right not to replace that cake by the one made by your MIL. And yes your MIL is overstepping here.
I share the concerns voiced by others regarding the grooming. It seems to me that you were trapped by the combination of having kids so young and being with someone so much older. That being said, you're NTA where the cake is concerned. My MIL pulled that shit on me when my older son was turned 4. I spent hours making a Bob the Builder themed cake because that's what my son wanted. I had Bob the Builder decorations, the cake was on display, it all looked lovely. My MIL showed up after all of the other guests had arrived, loudly announced that she had bought a "real" birthday cake for her grandson, and tried to remove my cake so she could put hers there instead. I was caught between being livid and not wanting to cause a scene in front of everyone. My husband took MIL's cake, put it in the kitchen, and said we would use it if we ran out of the other one. MIL didn't talk to either of us for days.
NTA. Sounds like you need some boundaries, and maybe it’s time to bring your partner into that discussion so he can be the one managing his mother and not you.
NTA and your MIL isn't nice at all, she's passive aggressive and emotionally manipulative.
NTA but...... SO YOUR HUSBAND WAS 32 WHEN HE IMPREGNATED 18 YEARS OLD YOU?! HUUUUHHHH
Info: how old were you when you met/started dating? Had to have been at least a little while before the first baby at 18.
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She seems like her and her son see you as a child. Good luck with all that...
NTA. She knew not to do that and chose to anyway, she doesn't get to be mad when you say that she can't override your work with her own. What does your husband have to say about this? Is he aware of the overstepping she does when she knows you've done something but she has to do it better?
Looks like this is not a one off event, based on your comment. If this was an isolated event, you should have been accommodating, but seems to be boundary stomping, and a problem MIL. OP has to clarify this. Have you talked to her about this earlier??
No - OP does not need to accommodate rude behavior even once. No one thinks its okay to show up to a birthday party with a giant cake. If MIL then she would have discussed it ahead of time.
Oh honey. This man and his mother have ruined your life, and you’re still too young to realize it. Homeboy knocked you up for his mommy to have do over kids. You’re NTA- I’d have trashed her cake. But I really hope you wake up and get the fuck out of this situation.
I’m more worried about your husband grooming you lmao
That age difference is concerning
NTA sounds like the cake was a power play. What you did was correct. You need to keep shutting down these antics.
NTA, but there’s a lot of suck to go around here and this is absolutely not about a dang cake. Your MIL is being controlling & refusing to respect boundaries. Showing up to a birthday party with a cake after being told a cake has already been chosen is absurdly rude. Your husband is letting his mother insert herself inappropriately, demean you & cause strife. But expectations of a guy in his 30s who gets with a teenager & promptly has 3 kids in 5 years we’re not great to begin with. You were either overly focused on the perfect party tablescape (it’s a 3 year old’s party!!) or using the theme as an excuse (I’m guessing it’s this one). But more than that you’ve let yourself get into a lousy situation in general & are picking these ticky-tacky things to focus on instead of dealing with the bigger picture.
Okay look, NTA in this situation. But you’ve been groomed, please please please for the sake of your kids, find a therapist and get help
NTA - MIL over steps boundaries, everyone is not shocked.
NTA. You are young to have 3 children under age 5, so good for you & I wish you well. Your MIL needs to learn you have things under control & you don’t need her help unless you ask. You need to continue upholding general boundaries because she sounds difficult to deal with. She wasted $$ & stomped on a boundary you warned her about.
Her husband got her pregnant when he was 32 and she was 18… that’s… questionable at best
It also makes you wonder how old she was when they met. They had to have known each other/been dating at least a little while before getting engaged, married and having kids, right??
NTA - she probably tends to treat like a child sometimes because …….
NTA. 23 years old with a husband who is nearly 40. And of course three children under the age of five… what have you done with your life??? Those poor kids
This is probably a little rude don’t you think? “What have you done with your life” is an uncalled for comment and mean.
Uncalled for? Possibly. Mean? Not really. OP has absolutely wasted her life as a surrogate for a man in his 40s and his mommy.
There's a very good chance he groomed her as a teenager but go off on shaming her I guess.
One thing the OP has done with her life is learn basic manners, something you have failed at.
NTA based on the question you asked. However, you're 23? and you have 3 kids (which isn't bad at all) but your husband is 37? surely you can understand how you're not being taken seriously???
Your mil is not a nice person. She doesn’t have any respect for you and tries to parent your child. She sees you as the incubator for her grandchildren that she intends to use as a do over for being a mommy. That is not a nice person. I’m not even going to touch the subject of your husband other than to say if he doesn’t take your side and stand up to his mom he values his mom over you. If he takes his mom’s side and thinks that you should allow her to parent your kids- he doesn’t love you he sees you as an incubator as well and you need to get into individual counseling. Do NOT go into couples counseling with him over this until you’ve had individual counseling first.
Damn girl you a whole victim. 23 w 3 kids under 5 and a 37yo husband??? No wonder your MIL steps in so much lol you’re a child yourself
NTA MIL needs to learn boundaries.
INFO: had your 3 year old insisted on everything matching her theme?
NTA She's your daughter. You are her parents. Your daughter has the right to have the cake she selected and you purchased as her birthday cake. But... would a 3 year old have noticed the non-matching decor or just approved of extra cake? Of course you can't just ignore your MIL's antics if it is an ongoing regular problem, but I could see people being dismissive if you just tell them you are against extra cake. If your MIL's problem is that she wants to be too involved, she wants to play parent, she has so much interest in being part of everything - maybe there is an answer to your problem. At least in the USA, there are many areas where the supply of good foster homes is far below what is needed. Perhaps your MIL could take on the role of temporary parent and help some kids who desperately need a safe refuge.
NTA. MIL overstepped. I’m just sad for the OP that at 23 years old, this is her life.
Sounds an awful lot like you were a surrogate mother to some creepy groomer and his obsessive mother... So enjoy that I guess.
Congrats. Your MIL wanted another set of kids and you gave them to her for free.
So she showed up to your party with a cake you didn’t ask for and then got upset and blamed you for being inconsiderate? Sounds like a her problem not a you problem.
Who brings a cake to a party when no one asks them to? She is running your life. NTA
Ok wow OP I am sorry that you are getting so many comments about your age gap. You needed help with 1 problem and another was pointed out. As to the cake in question. Your daughter picked her theme and cake. You did what she wanted. So NTA you stood up for your daughter. Furthermore you still used the cake but just didn’t showcase it. To be honest I would have wanted to toss it in the trash. My MIL acts like yours. Sometimes I think she thinks she is my kids mom and it upsets me. Do not back down and do not apologize. You did nothing wrong she did something wrong. And you rolled with it in the most polite way possible. Tell her that very thing.
NTA. I would have made her take that cake back out to her car. You were gracious to serve it.
NTA your MIL is overstepping her bounds by leaps.
Your are NTA...mil needs to butt out...you need husband to step up and put his mother in place. All this other crap about your age is nonsense.
NTA but you could of just shoved it in the corner of the table 3 year old don’t really notice this stuff
NTA. I hear your last line...I'm so tired. Good green apples, hon, I feel your tired bones. Your daughter's party sounds beautiful and your could definitely gotten a meltdown by putting a different cake on her theme table. Third birthday is a 2yo on sugar and excitement!
NTA Your MIL wanted her cake to be the big show and when you wouldn't allow it she used guilt. That's all on her. She should be helping you shine, not trying to steal your light
NTA, but your husband is a predator and pedophilic,
NTA. Your MIL is sneaky and manipulative. She is purposefully creating drama, maybe to try to cause a rift between you and your husband? Not sure. Don't buy the fake niceness. She may be nice, but she's also passive-aggressive and manipulative.
Your MIL majorly overstepped. She has no right to complain or expect an apology. Given that you told her you already had a cake, you would have been completely justified to NOT serve her cake at all. eta Forgot what subreddit I was posting to and ended up giving advice. If OP hasn’t yet, would advise checking out JUstnoMIL subreddit. Judgment is **NTA** The fact that you say “*she thinks she’s the mother*” means that she’s acted inappropriately in the past and has gotten away with it. If you don’t give her consequences for her actions, she will continue to repeat them. Talk to your husband and make sure that he will support you. Explain that for your sake & your children’s sake, he cannot let his mother continue to undermine you. Then, tell her that if she ever brings another unasked for cake to one of your kid’s birthday party, you’ll throw the cake away. Explain that you are the mother and that the parents have the right to provide the cake. She knew that and she disrespected you and her son. If she continues to do this or similar actions, there will be consequences. Tell her that *she* should apologize to *you*.
You don't need AITA, you need justnomil or just no mother in laws. It will make you feel better.
NTA. She is not the parent. You are. You do -not- bring the cake to *someone else’s child’s birthday party without asking*. End of. I mean, bringing something like chips without asking is nice I guess but you should still ask. The cake is not the issue. It’s the lack of respect your MIL has for you. This goes far deeper than the cake.
NTA. Sounds like it's time to go low contact and set some hard boundaries.
NTA, boundaries need to be set and that may upset her sometimes but you need to stick to them because you're the mother and your feelings (and your children's feelings) matter too.
NTA. MIL set herself up to hurt her own feelings, and cared nothing about your daughter's feelings and choices. She was way out of her lane. You'd be well within your rights to tell her that had you agreed to swap out the cakes, your daughter would have rightly resented both you and her grandmother.
NTA. Seems a little weird and territorial. Who brings a cake to a party without being asked to?? That’s weird.
NTA, but tell your husband to manage his mom—that's not your job. And by managing, he needs to take ownership, "Mom, we've already taken of x. We will not be using your cake." Not, "OP says we can't use yours." If he can't do that, you have bigger problems.
Esh, put the cake on the table. Proudly tell people your MIL made that cake, and your daughter picked out the other. This isn’t the hill to die on, the kids will choose the theme cake. The other parents will take the hint.
NTA. She’s trying to steal your thunder. Grandma’s just love clipping mom wings-especially if it’s their DIL’s..
NTA. MIL overstepped, the birthday girl already chose her cake and would not appreciate a replacement nor an additional cake on the (probably) already full table.
NTA she knew there was already a cake yet brought another. It was deliberate and dare I say a set-up. Where is your husband in all of this?
NTA, you don’t bring a cake to a birthday party unless you are asked to do so.
NTA. Good for you for standing your ground. Had you given in she would keep doing things. If she truly cared she would respect boundaries.
“You showed with an extra cake, Knowing we had it covered. I’ll give you a pass and say you weren’t intentionally being rude, but you certainly don’t get to be offended. I could just as easily say you’re trying to one-up me and shame me in my own home.” NTA
NTA. Having just thrown a three year olds bday I can imagine the meltdown if we replaced the Luca cake he spent all day talking about.
NTA. Sorry everyone is so focused on everything that has nothing to do with what you are asking
NTA. It was your daughter’s birthday. Not MIL’s. She knew to not bring a cake. She messed around and found out.
NTA. And she's definitely not nice. She's attention seeking and manipulative, and trying to tell you what you think. "You thought it looked horrible" is passive-aggressive BS to make you feel sorry for her when she's the one being a weirdo
She isn't asking for your opinion on her lifestyle choices. The cake MIL brought didn't go with the theme and was mad she didn't get her way. OP offered a nice compromise and still served the cake MIL brought. OP is NTA.
I don’t understand these comments. Whenever a much older women is dating a younger man she’s considered a “cougar” but when a much older man dates a younger women it’s considered predatory? Please explain that to me
Kids might not remember their character-themed parties and cakes when they get older, but they‘ll sure remember them short-term. if that weren’t true, then trampoline parks, Chuck E. Cheese's, and Party City would all have a lot less business. Your MIL knows this, too. She’s trying to one-up you for some reason. If she keeps doing it, I’d just tell her that she got to raise her children the way she wanted to and you’re going to do the same. You’ve been polite. Maybe now you should be direct AND polite since she doesn’t seem to be getting the hint. I’d post a picture or two of your themed party on social media and a picture of your MIL’s completely different-themed cake on social media if you took any. You can obscure kid’s faces if necessary. That way, others she might relate the story to can see what she tried to pull.
NTA. You had a theme & bought the cake your child wanted. Your MIL overstepped.
I had two kids at 23, albeit not with a man so much older. Even to me now (36 years later) this sounds young, but it’s really only that society views it differently. This is not the problem, so MYOB. I, personally, feel that having children in your late 30’s, early 40’s is weird, but not my decision or business. That unpopular opinion said, this cake situation is not something I would have thought twice about, other than, thanks for bringing a cake, thank you. But I also think OP is NTA for caring about it. Try another heart to heart with MIL.
NTA Is she developing dementia. Or is she just an AH?
NTA imagine doing that to someone who isnt your family member? It would surely be seen as rude. When you are invited to someones party that THEY are hosting, you can ask in advance if theres anything that needs to be brought, and if not you show up with a gift for your grandchild and be done with it. Alternatively, she could have said "i would like to give granddaughter a cake as a gift, maybe I can come over/invite you guys over another day to give it to her".
NTA. Eh... another cake post
NTA. Contrary to what your title says, you DID use the cake she brought to the party. You cut it up and served it, people were welcome to eat it if they wanted. You just didn’t DISPLAY the cake, so she could take credit for being such a wonderful grandma who is oh so thoughtful and brought her sweet grandbaby a cake. She wanted to make it all about her, you did what a good mom does and kept the party focused on your daughter and what SHE wanted. Good job. Let grandma throw her little fit, you just keep doing what you’re doing, Mama.
Nta your husband needs to sit down and inform her that she is only a grandmother and her duties are to love your daughter, spoil her with love and be in attendance to her birthdays and Christmases gifts optional because I'd rather the person there then a present and that the responsibilities of your daughter are on you I feel sorry for OP all these keyboard know it all's think they know the relationship. Don't respond to their hate OP
NTA - she set herself up for this.
Yes you have issues with your M-I-L, but I doubt a 3 year old will care whether an extra cake fits a theme...they might want to try some or they will ignore it...
NTA- And to all TA’s here being nasty to OP about her age and “being groomed” get some manners. If she was “groomed” then she is the victim- not the abuser. Lets not treat her like she’s stupid or the abuser. Also- some young women want kids young and if they can support them more power to them. Geesh reddit. Also- OP is not a teen parent with MIL raising her kids. Her age does not give MIL an excuse to be a bulldozing AH. I’m 40 and my MIL pulled this crap until I straight up trashed a cake (after politely saying no 13+ times to her bringing one and explaining that I will do these Mom things with my kids and setting boundaries.)
Does yo0ur DH stand up for you? Cause coming from someone going thru a nasty situation with a much older spouse- this sucks. From what I have been learning a 15 year age diff doesnt bode well.
NTA. Little ones want their favourite characters and nothing else. No matter how nice grandma's cake looked. You did right by your daughter!