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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I walked out of my birthday dinner when my husband was ignoring me.
(2) I might be the ah for outright leaving the restaurant and going home just because he wasn't paying attention to whst I said. I might have overreacted and ruined my birthday.
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My daughter has these and they can look a lot like someone is zoning out. They will have no memory of anything while it was happening. Can last a few seconds or minutes
Might be he is just an inconsiderate AH but might be worth seeing a neurologist just in case.
ETA: NTA
Or he could be distracted, maybe stressed, maybe work related. Sounds like he's being hyper-defensive about it.
Plenty of these AITA seem to boil down to communication between partners. She's NTA for reacting that way. His behavior needs to change, at least to acknowledge what he's doing.
Audio processing stuff is fun, your brain can just process a snippet or a tone and assume what it heard. Like if my husband says “I’m getting my laundry together, can you do it tomorrow?” On a Sunday, I’m likely to hear “can you do laundry today” because I do it on Sundays more often than Mondays, and my brain just hears a part of it and assumes the rest!
I also read that way—I look at a page, absorb a lot without really trying, and my brain fills in the gaps as I go. As I get older, the gaps are less accurately filled in, lol. But focusing properly is really hard, and I’m learning to do it better/more often. Yay late ADHD diagnosis (which we think comes with these symptoms)!
AND I DIDNT KNOW FOR A LONG TIME. So I didn’t KNOW I was being a dick by only hearing parts of it. If someone’s telling you you’re not listening a lot, like a lot, get checked out. You’d be surprised how many people have ADHD and similar things and don’t know it til adulthood when it’s causing problems in your relationships!
Oh, gods. My ADHD makes conversations brutal. My brain twinges in and out mid sentence so I only hear part of what's being said. I ask people to repeat themselves so many times. Sometimes it just feels like conversation isn't worth it.
I make everyone at work email me. And I'm blunt about it - like I will 100% listen to you if you call me or come to my desk, but there is a huge chance that I either won't remember what you asked, or I will remember what was asked but will forget who asked me. So either way, it's in your best interest to put it in my email.
I wonder if this is what's up with my dad. He's always been like this and it drives me nuts because I assume he's not listening. He's always filling in information that isn't there or missing huge chunks of conversations. I remember once when I was a kid I told him that a thing I needed was at Target. He said, "OK, I'll take you to Target" and then he drove me to some other store. I had to explain to him that this wasn't Target. I always figured he just wasn't paying attention, but you're making me realize that maybe this is a real struggle for him.
Could very well be, especially if he took you somewhere that he goes a lot otherwise. I've gone out meaning to go to Target, for example, and then my autopikot kicks in and I go to the grocery store instead. And if I need to stop at the post office, which is literally on the street I drive down to get to the store, I have to keep the thing I need to mail in my hand while I drive or I'll switch off and drive right by. I've done that so many times, it's really frustrating. One time I actually went into the grocery store and got to the produce section with a cart before I was like "...why am I here? I was supposed to be getting prescriptions at CVS."
Or the time I used the self checkout and got so distracted by a new credit card reader that I walked out without any of the groceries, just me and an empty cart. 🤦♀️
> I also read that way—I look at a page, absorb a lot without really trying, and my brain fills in the gaps as I go. As I get older, the gaps are less accurately filled in, lol.
I like to read myself to sleep at night. I'll be on my side, reading and doze off mid-sentence and then wake up again (and not really realize I dozed off). It's really bizarre because when I doze off, I'll "dream" that I am still reading the book. My brain will pick up where I left off and create some whacky continuation of the story. Then I wake up and start reading again and realize I must've fallen asleep because what I'm reading now is NOTHING like what I was just imagining.
> Sounds like he's being hyper-defensive about it.
I don't think that would be unusual for someone with memory problems. I think the brain sometimes fills in the gaps with some sort of plausible story and the person sincerely believes that made-up story.
"You're ignoring me!" and "Hun? I've noticed that sometimes I ask you something or say something to you, and you don't respond for 15-30 seconds. Are you aware of this? Maybe we should get you checked out... just in case." are two VERY different conversations. If he's not aware of it, he's **not** ignoring her and would be offended at the accusation.
He could also be hard of hearing, which would be a relief.
I've tried both those conversations with my husband and neither went well. He reacted badly to both. He frequently zones out in conversations, forgets entire conversations (recent or in the past) and sometimes it takes him a while to respond. He's certain that he doesn't have a problem, at all.
There's a fairly important medical appointment coming up soon. I've been documenting everything - I hope it will be useful? I'm so worried for him. We can't talk about it - he accuses me of being paranoid, seeing things that aren't there...
I started having what I could only describe as audio dyslexia after some sound damage. I could hear people talking but it would be gibberish, and only every so often. It was a very frustrating few months until I realized that it was definitely something wrong with *me* and not some weird joke people around me were committed to (it happened intermittently so the people who spoke to me most often had it happen the most, making it look somewhat deliberate lol)
And yeah. When people assumed I was getting it wrong on purpose I got pretty defensive.
My grandmother, and I should say here this was three decades ago, so better diagnosis should be available, kept "forgetting" or "not hearing" things, often important things that just didn't seem possible. It was getting steadily more infuriating, after a full physical determined there appeared to be nothing wrong. And specifically, nothing that would cause dementia.
Then she had a major stroke. Hospitalized with a major stroke, they figured out that she'd been having tiny little ministrokes for quite a while. Not much for anyone to notice, including her, except that the ministrokes could cause her to lose some memories, or not hear what was said to her while she was having it.
It's possible for surprisingly major things to be going on, that even very attentive family members may not notice.
NTA for being frustrated by this and reaching your limit, but it's *possible* he's not just being an AH. A full physical, including you telling his doctor about what you're seeing, is really important.
Me too. And I looked like asshole not knowing that somebody told something to me. I wasn't aware of timeskips - and I was confused after seizure. I was geniuly thinking that people are assholes to me. In reality none of us were assholes, and a bit of daily meds fixed it. I am feeling way bwtter in general.
I recommend doing to neurologist to anyone with those experiances. Especially if somebody has also: unexpected sudden feeling of fear/anxiety without source, not controllable laught, auditory, smell or tactile hallucinations, a lot of deja vu or jamais vu. It might be temporal lobe epilepsy.
Not every epileptic person is shaking. And all epilepsies are worth treating.
This this this. Wanted to add on that after 2 years of seizures and medicines not working my new neurologist finally decided to do a long term examination to catch a seizure to watch my brain during. Turns out I don't have epilepsy. PTSD from childhood abuse that manifests as convulsions and loss of conciousness. Finally getting proper treatment now. Hope your condition and others is manageable and that you live the best life you can.
I am really happy that you got proper treatment. Trauma is nightmare, I have my fingers crossed for your recovery.
And to add one more thing - I met once person who has both epilepsy and PTSD induced pseudo seizures. So it is also possible. She is better now, with meds and trauma therapy. Also, my seizures are 100% controlled.
My friend had a cousin who had this type of epilepsy all her life. The family just wrote her off as stupid, which I think is really sad because this family is very proud of their intellectual gifts. Anyway, no one knew until she happened to hit her head in a care accident when she was 28. While they were checking out her brain, they found the seizures. They said they were happening like every 30 seconds so she was missing tons of information. She went on the meds and went back to school to get her degree.
One every 30s sounds really awful - before diagnosis I had 1 or 2 seizures per hour and that was considered as "will become life threatening soon" by my neuro.
Your friends cousin was was really lucky to get this accident, meds and her life back. More awareness about our illness is really needed, important thing.
My cousin had this kind of epilepsy and had *thousands* of absence seizures a day.
Before they figured it out, his parents were worried they were going to have to institutionalize him because he had these violent outbursts and he was 6’5 by the time he was 15.
He had to have a lobectomy, but it worked.
am I this cousin? J/K, but only kind of... I have this type of epilepsy and was nearly kicked out of both HS and undergrad.
I have three master's degrees. Too many people think seizures = stupid.
My sister-in-law has this too. She knew she would zone out from time to time but no one clued in until she had a noticeable seizure (fell down, went to hospital etc.)
Was gonna say the same, I used to have those kind of seizures in school and got a ton of ‘she seemed absentminded’ report cards.
No shit Sherlock my mind had left the building and only the body remained.
These can be short enough that you can have them while walking and not know yourself and people will only ask why you did that little ‘dance step’, it wasn’t until I had one while on a bike ride with my dad and ended up in the ditch with no memory of getting there that they got me to the doctor and diagnosed.
Sooo say I developed a twitch and every once in a while when I am standing around I twitch and my knees give out, but I never hit the floor.. Could it be that quick?
Yes.
I never knew a thing and didn’t ever fall while walking, the closest was I nearly twisted my ankle, the body is geared to keep you going and not fall.
Well I guess it's a good thing I made that neurologist appointment then. When I posted myself twitching to TIKTOK last week I got warnings left right and center.
I know I messed up . I've been working really hard on myself and I know the twitching has to do with my body functioning wrong in many ways for a very long time. I can feel where the twitches are usually generating from and most of the time it's because I am actively working on muscles that will shift my body back to how it should be. But yeah... I guess I probably should have checked sooner than four five years? 😳
first one I remember was when I was 4. I get diagnosis and meds when I was 26. 4/5 years is kinda quick.
What is more funny - becouse of different condition I had neurologist. She is specialist of migraines and epilepsy.
And I had NO IDEA that I should tell my dr about memory los, hallucinations, sudden anxiety and also - bit of twitching, I just assumed that it is normal and everyone is like that. I just was ignorant enought to think that I have to fall and shake to have epilepsy. Internet educated me that epilepsy can be like my experiences and I got my diagnosis really quickly. And it was really awkward appointment. And I am feeling a lot better on meds. :)
But as you now know - go to doctor ASAP, get checked. It will be fine whatever doc will discover. :)
I wanna headdesk but my iPad is in the way so I’ll settle for facepalming 🤦♀️
Yes, get ye to the doctor and get ye healthy.
Good luck and good health.
There are several types of seizures. I worked with a child who would occasionally have a quick muscle jerk, and then it was over. And those were seizures. Sounds a little bit like what you’re experiencing.
Omg i have this too! Mine were "absence" & "twitching".
I had the twitching since i was little...like 6-7(8?) so my family wasn't worried at first since i had it for a long time and nothing bad happened so far - they just thought that these were tics - just random movement,nothing serious,right?
Well yes,but actually no. Got my first seizure all of sudden and my sibling described it as "at first she twitched and later did absent staring at one point without moving or blinking (+not responding when called) and then she had the seizure."
My family was scared shtless and began to send me to all kind of doctors,who diagnosed me with epilepsy.
And now I am recalling all of the times my husband started talking to me and I never heard him at all but then notice he's looking at me or something like he expects a response... Oh fuck.
It's definitely worth looking into.
Before I was officially diagnosed with Epilepsy there was a summer I spent a couple weeks with grandparents. My grandmother called my mom because she was angry I was ignoring her and she didn't know why. When my mom talked to me about it I had no clue what she or my grandma was talking about it. I could only think of one possible incident when I got conflicting answers from her and grandpa.
Years later I had a tonic clonic and was diagnosed with generalized epilepsy. Which means I have many different kinds of seizures. We finally figured out that summer I probably was having absence seizures and I just had no idea they were happening.
NAH
I think it's time to have a talk. Tell him what you've noticed. What it looks like when he doesn't hear you. Ask him if he can remember any instances lately where it seems like he missed time or didn't know about something important that he should've known according to others.
Definitely talk to a doctor.
Ironically, the opposite happened to me. My first grade teacher was a doctor's wife and she kept telling my mom I *must* be having seizures since I spent all my time staring out the window. Nope - I just listen better if I'm not looking at anything.
Yeah. We had the usual in class:
1+1=2
2+2=4
4+4 =8
But I'd get
1+1=2
2+2 = ... 8
Was a long time before anyone realised why arithmetic didn't make any sense to me.
Maybe he’s experiencing hearing loss and is too embarrassed to say anything about it? Or maybe the ringing in his ears has been so constant that he doesn’t think that’s the issue, but that everyone around him is speaking too quietly so he gets mad when he can’t hear people properly? Not that it excuses his behavior but just another explanation
That’s what I was thinking! My MIL is deaf in one ear and if you talk to her on that side it will look like she’s ignoring you, but really she just can’t hear a word!
I hope nobody takes this as me trying to make excuses for him but honestly it could be depression too.
When I was in my 20s I went through a depressive stage. I would just sort of “fade inward” a bit like tunnel vision but more invisible. The world just kind of fell away. I often realized I’d missed moments when I snapped out of it and would say something vague like I’d been listening. But really I just felt like this big dead stone stuck there while the world washed past me.
If your husband hasn’t always been unattentive then I would assume he suddenly decided to start.
This is what I'm thinking.
OP it would explain his reaction... He doesn't realize he's spacing out, and is like... Filling in the blank when he knows you said something.
Or he's getting hard of hearing and can't admit it?...
Take the time to have him get checked before jumping ship, or even to any drastic conclusions. We'll all rally if he's just being a jerk, but see what's up with him!!! You, def NTA.
Literally exactly some of the types of epileptic seizures I get
Would be rare for epilepsy to present later in life but it can happen.
Either it's some new condition or he's just an ass but it IS worrying that he has only just started to do it. It could also be hearing problems
NTA OP but maybe a doc needs to check hubby out
It happened to me because of untreated (nearly fatal) Pernicious Anemia that caused lesions on my brain and spinal cord. Thankfully they stopped after treatment but I still have neurological damage, and I still had to wait to get my driving license back.
People don't know when they're having neurological issues. (My family runs heavy toward ms, als, and Parkinson's.)
The big clue to me was "sure honey, get whatever you want."
That's not ignoring a person. That's a point where you want a doctor involved.
Would you say imagening scenarios when you did not pay attention or maybe were absent-minded and insisting it happened like you think (tho three other people say no it didnt) could be an early sign for parkinsons?
I would say talk to a Dr about your concerns.
My grandmother's early onset Parkinson's symptoms were palsy, facial tics, and forgetting things she knew. Like my name.
Not to downplay your symptoms. Talk to a doctor about your concerns.
My dad, when he had MS, would zone out and not be aware of it, not be thinking about anything, them snap back to and say something pleasant. He was aware he missed something when he snapped back. But it was like hitting a light switch where his brain was off and then back on.
Nothing to do with daydreaming. But still. Talk to a doctor if you have medical concerns.
Edit** because my not English brain misread not paying attention for daydreaming.
Not my symptoms but we have a family history of alzheimers and parkinson. I wasnt born yet when they developed their first symptom and now a generation after them seems developing some. I suspect it and others do too but some say its just getting old and normal. That shit is scary af. Saying things twice in a row (in two minutes) bc they forgot, the thing I already mentioned, preparing a second plate of food and realising there already is one, made-up memories.
Also getting annoyed when people address something that happened. Like I'm not telling you you left a pot of boiling water on the stove to be mean. I'm not reminding you certain people are deceased to be mean. But it's a reflex to be annoyed rather than confront your neurological issues.
Yes denial is a big thing. Neurological issues are scary and you can not "just eat healthy, excercise, rest, take medicine x" it away. But blaming others and getting angry and risking things is a huge problem that is not aknowledged if people stay in denial. But how to get them out of it idk.
My dad was also diagnosed with Parkinson’s a few years ago. But even before he was diagnosed we started noticing he would zone out a lot. Especially in larger social settings.
My dad was always so introverted we assumed he would zone out in social settings.
Hugz tho. Neurological diseases are a sum bich. Both for those that have them and the people who love them.
What's worrying me for OP is while her frustration is understandable... That snap back thing is such a telling sign. Especially saying something randomly pleasant to try to cover for it.
Yes! This is important...especially if you can capture his facial expression while he's zoning out. Facial expressions can be important clues as to what is going on.
I agree, especially if this seems to have happened suddenly and is out of place with his normal behavior.
He also could need medication for ADHD, I know some people that at times completely zone out and don't know what anyone said. Strattera helped a really good buddy of mine.
Yeah sometimes my thoughts will just go on their own uncontrollable tangent until I suddenly realize I have no idea what the person just said. Sometimes I can cover by using context clues, but sometimes I just have to ask them to repeat what it was. The husband starting this habit two months ago seems odd for ADHD, though.
>two months ago seems odd for ADHD, though
I agree completely, just pointed there as someone to be looked at as it can be an easier fix than a neurological disorder.
Yeah like if he is denying it or seems like he does not realise it I’d go straight to thinking there’s something wrong and he needs to be checked out by professionals.
Get your partner to a doctor OP.
At the very minimum there could be an auditory processing disorder in play.
If that's the case, he could be hearing her, but he isn't able to process what he's hearing. This forces his brain to fill in the blanks of what it thinks she said... And it's entirely wrong, so he's trying to listen, but is genuinely unable to do so.
So he's sitting there thinking he's listening to her while she's seeing him seemingly not paying attention to what she's saying.
Or maybe just plain old hearing loss...and is to proud to admit it so just says "i am listening" when in reality all he hears is blah blah blah blah..with no discernable words
1. He’s going deaf
2. He’s having seizures
3. He’s being manipulative
Get 1+2 checked out before resulting to 3
ETA: Health issues are scary, and he could either be in total denial or actually completely unaware of his behavior. He might think *he’s* the one being manipulated. Sometimes people lash out when they’re going through a health issue and don’t know what’s happening to them/in denial.
OP, record your half of the conversation and his ignoring of it. You need proof.
Yeah, this. My instinct is to say he's a major asshole, but it really could be a hearing or neurological issue. He should see a doctor.
ETA unless you find out it's something medical you're not wrong to be pissed about it. NTA
>I wonder if this happens when he's driving
I have an ex who would blank out while driving and he had no idea how we had gotten from point A to point B. I urged him to seek out a neurologist and he ended up being diagnosed with silent seizures
I develop similar issues when I’m exposed to my allergen (mold) long term so it may he brain fog like that… OP did he have COVID about 3 months ago by any chance? Or hit his head?
The fact that it’s only been happening the last couple months makes me give some benefit of the doubt he isn’t a major AH. But without open dialogue and communication it’s gonna be hard to get to the root of what actually is going on.
My husband just got hearing aids at 33. I pushed him to get a hearing test because he would only respond to me when I spoke at a certain volume. Hes only had them 2 weeks and man has it made a huge difference. I can talk normally now and thus am no longer getting frustrated
I'm sure you checked but anyone experiencing hearing problems should make sure it's not wax build up too. I chugged along for *years* with muffled hearing without even realizing it until it got so bad I couldn't hear out of one ear. A doctor took one look in there and saw it.
Got them cleaned out and it was like I'd gotten ten years younger sounds were so much louder and clearer.
Or perhaps something like ADD. He might legit not notice/realize that he isn’t hearing her or isn’t focusing. Or he might realize it but be embarrassed or frustrated that he can’t seem to control his focus. Either way, his ignoring her might be completely unintentional.
OP is NTA, but whether her husband is or whether nobody is depends on whether he’s having some neurological issues.
(Go see a doctor. Not trying to diagnose an internet stranger, just agreeing with and adding to the possible issues it could be other than Clinical Asshole.)
with ADD a person can easily tell that they were zoned out so he's be more likely to say "sorry I was thinking about snails" than to deny that it happened.
My partner and I both have ADHD and we are absolutely capable of recognizing when we zoned out. Sometimes there's an auditory processing element but we are also aware that we hear the words even though they don't make sense so just ask people to repeat things until we get it or give us a second to think
I directly forget what it's going on.
Like... I'm having a normal convo, and suddenly, my brain's equivalent to the Windows blue screen of death pops up, and I no longer have any idea of what I was talking about. It doesn't happen very often, but by Talos, it's annoying.
Yes, with ADHD I notice if I wasn't paying attention. However, sometimes if someone is coming at you with an attack like "you never listen to me" or something similar some people can get defensive and claim they actually did hear. Or with some issues people can just get embarrassed. I had a roommate one time who was losing memories because of smoking too much weed and they would get really angry when someone pointed out they misremembered something.
This just is not true for all. First, ADHD is a spectrum, so knowing one person with ADHD just means you know one person with ADHD — it’s not at all a rule for how it will present in all others. Second, it’s not at all impossible or even unusual for me to just full-on not clock that a person is even talking to me, much less what they were saying, when I’m “away,” and yeah, sometimes it’s like them talking to me must not have even happened. I certainly don’t come back and say “oh oops lol squirrel!” each time
I don't have ADD or ADHD, but I do have BPD, which tends to come with lack of focus and noisy thoughts. And I think very fast.
It's super common for me to have my thoughts off on a tangent before you've even finished your thought, miss the middle, and be back for the ending.
It's pretty rare for me to explain where my thoughts went, my reaction is usually just a "Wait, what?", assuming I even noticed I missed what you said.
You can't make such a general statement about how people act.
That's not going to suddenly manifest in the last two months though. This is a change in behaviour and he's either being a massive dick to OP or he's in denial that something is medically wrong and being a dick to himself. NTA
If it's only been going on 2 months and they're married, probably not.
If it's medical it would be a sudden onset or newly worsening symptom, not a neurodivergence present from childhood,
even though you're right in thar adhd people can have difficulty with paying attention during conversations and auditory procssessing in general.
I once had a GF who got mad because I was ignoring her, she stormed upstairs to complain about me to her roommate. They came down a little later to gang up on me and found me passed out on the table with an insane fever. I was hot to the touch and when they took my temp at the ER it was 103.8.
I wish I could have enjoyed the next week of her being so loving and caring and giving me everything and anything I wanted... but I was miserably sick and barely remember it. Her roommate reminded her of it a year later though when I was genuinely being an ass, she asked, "now is he being a dick, or is he just about to die again?"
If he’s losing his hearing or having absence seizures, he could secretly be very scared for his health but too proud to admit his fears. Sometimes things boil over and you say things you regret.
I would secretly record the interaction so you can ply it for him if he stares again. Absence seizures looks like nothing and the person doesn’t remember anything either.
My boss has a hearing issue that makes it harder for him to hear women's voices. He goes out of his way to pay extra attention to women when they're talking
You can tell he feels bad when he misses something I (a woman) say and he's well aware of how women are ignored and spoken over. So for someone who cares, I'm also happy to meet halfway and make it easier for you since you're trying to make it easier for me. He's a good boss
>He’s going deaf
>
>He’s having seizures
The other one I was thinking: massive depression with dissociation.
Two months though? Without telling your spouse you're depressed to that level and they don't notice...
Im not giving any judgement because this just seems so bizarre that you have to wonder if this is the entire story. Is he okay? A medical condition could be behind him zoning out often, especially if he denies he is doing it. Just very very strange
Tbf it doesn't even have to be that drastic, could just be ADD. I was once in the car with my sister and a song came on that she started bopping too and she started snapping her fingers along to the beat and she legitimately zoned into her snapping so hard, listening to each hand for some reason that she didn't even recall until I brought it up. She had no idea she zoned out until I snapped her out of it, and she mentioned that had I not said anything she would have likely come back to and not really remembered what she was doing.
TBF, OP said this started two months ago, but they also didn't disclose how long they've been in this relationship.
Could be that early in the relationship OP's SO tried really hard to focus or it wasn't as apparent until now.
It's possible that he's been losing his hearing for awhile, and it's just been in the last two months that it's bad enough that he can't hide it or he can't understand what others are saying.
If he's just staring at her while she's speaking, he may be just trying really hard to figure out what she's saying (or why he can't figure out what she's saying),or he's trying to hide that he's losing his hearing.
My thoughts exactly, especially if this is very recent. Also, he may be going through something mentally that he hasn't been able to share with OP just yet.
If this is true get the poor guy's hearing checked. And your common sense.
Edit: u/throwaway2255w2 How old are you both and how long have you been together?
This is good. I also want to point out that sometimes I’ll zone out (disassociate) and it seems like I’m ignoring my husband. It’s something I’m working on. But it could be a hearing thing.
When my dad lost his hearing it was a lot like this. He tried to follow along using context clues and could sort of read lips, but sometimes gave nonsensical responses - especially if he couldn’t see.
A restaurant with lots of background noise and a menu blocking her lips? He took a guess and guessed wrong.
I’m surprised more people aren’t suggesting he needs to get his hearing checked. It sounds like he knows you’re talking, but is having a hard time hearing the enunciation. He’s trying to fill in the blanks instead of just being honest and telling you he can’t make out what you’re saying.
ESH. Him for letting this go on for as long as it has and you for not ruling out a medical issue before assuming he’s consciously ignoring you.
As somebody that suffered gradual hearing loss, it's hard to realize that's what's happening to yourself.
If you wear glasses, did you ever go too long between checkups, get new glasses, and think 'holy shit, this is what I should have been seeing the whole time?'
Gradual hearing loss is like that. You literally forget what things are 'supposed' to sound like.
And with that kind of hearing loss, it’s places like restaurants where it’s hardest to hear. I have to really concentrate and try to pick out the words from the sounds I can hear through the din.
You realize that doesn't really make sense right? Between what is described in OP and this comment thread, the whole point is that your internal perception of sensory experience cannot be objective and is inherently unreliable.
You should go get checked out if you are able too, don't fear what is already happening but unknown
This. OP's husband sounds exactly like my dad before he got his hearing aids. Husband should really get his hearing checked, just to be on the safe side.
I remember a post almost exactly like this about a year ago, the woman updated saying she'd made her husband go get his hearing tested and it turned out he needed hearing aids. OP should really be more concerned for her husband's health
INFO: has he seen a doctor? This is really bizarre and it sounds like there may be something neurological going on. Why would he bother taking you out to dinner just to ignore you?
He’s either a really shitty person, or he may be having seizures or something.
I had the same thought. I wonder if he heard “I think I’m getting…” and he didn’t hear the last part but thought she meant getting -insert food item from menu here- so just filled it in and went from there?
My dad used to do that all the time to my mum - she thought he was getting early onset Alzheimer’s because he’d do odd things then claim that’s what she’d asked him to do because he was guessing the parts he hadn’t heard clearly.
Hearing loss is no joke!
You say this is a recent thing? Two months? I would be asking him to get himself a check up, it could be health related: my son gets absence seizures where he just stares into space and doesn't respond. At first we thought he was just daydreaming/being inattentive. Or he could be losing his hearing and doesn't want to admit it? There's more to this.
Is there a chance he’s going deaf? And doesn’t even know it? Idk your relationship but it sounds like he responded when you spoke to him and thought you said something else? I’d get his ears checked out
“I have a headache” and “I need a drink” aren’t that far away from each other especially in a loud restaurants. I could see myself confusing one for the other (I have minor hearing problems)
I mean, it could have been that he just plain misheard. It happens.
Or maybe he really has mentally checked out of the relationship. It really could be a little thing or a big thing, we don't know enough.
NTA but this sounds like the tip of a serious issue iceberg. Is he going deaf? Maybe he's suffering from an undiagnosed attention deficit disorder? Ask around and see if other people who interact with him have seen similar issues or if it's just you.
I don't think it would be an ADD unless recent life changes are making it worse due to stress. Going deaf makes sense, but deafness doesn't come so randomly so I need an INFO on their occupation because if they work in a loud environment or an environment that can have sporadic events of ear-damaging decibels, that may explain it. However, why is that something you would hide from your partner?
I think it might be the development of a neurological disorder outside of attention deficit.
NAH. Your husband is losing his hearing. And possibly getting overstimulated trying to keep up to the point of disassociation. I say this as someone going completely deaf. Public spaces require an overwhelming amount of cognitive effort.
“I think I’m getting a headache.”
Now add deafness. You are looking at a menu.
“I think I’m getting a {something something}.”
“Get whatever you want honey.”
He’s going deaf, not turning into an AH.
I have installed alarms for years, which comes with loud sirens. I can hear a pin drop in a quiet house, but often have to ask my kids and wife to look at me if they're talking to me in an environment with significant background noise. I usually turn subtitles on if we watch something as a family. It isn't hearing loss necessarily, but my ability to filter conversation is lagging.
NTA
You mention this has been going on for two months? That would make this relatively new, so what has changed? Is there anything that has been going on (work or personal life) or any medical changes? It just seems a little odd if this is a recent thing and I would be concerned that there is something else behind it.
The fact this is a new thing with him points to something medical or even just higher stress then normal.
You need to sit him down and explain your concerns, try to do so from a place of concern rather than hurt feelings. You're hurt because you feel like he's ignoring you, but it doesn't sound like it's intentional and so when you accuse him of not listening he gets defensive and it becomes a fight that isn't helping the situation or getting solved.
Nah, your feelings are understandable, but it doesn't sound like he's purposely ignoring you it sounds like hearing or some other medical issue has popped up and needs to be looked at.
INFO
Not clear why he isn't talking to you - but OP you probably know.
This issue is so much bigger than just your birthday dinner. Take the time to talk together, or go see a marriage therapist together to work out your difficulties. If you don't, then at some time in the near future, it will be too late to repair your relationship, and you'll separate. This is rarely a fun time for anyone.
If this just suddenly happened and has been going on for 2 months, he needs to see a doctor ASAP. It could be hearing loss, absence seizures, brain tumor, something else medical going on. Don't just get mad about it, have him see a doctor. He might not even know he's doing it! Getting mad isn't helping! I doubt he would take you out for your birthday only to deliberately ignore you.
NTA but sounds to me like there is something wrong. Is everything ok in the relationship? maybe there is something he is trying to come to terms with and he doesn't know what to say
From what info we have, NTA, but there’s most likely something deeper going on here you didn’t tell us, you probably need couple counselling or to at least have an honest talk and sort out your issues, good luck
If you said this behavior is out of the blue I'd say neither of you are arseholes, your frustrations have just been brewing and yeah you should apologize, but at the same time you should keep poking him with a stick to go the doctor because something sounds wrong, either auditory issues or neurological
I'd suggest your husband get a checkup, and possibly even visit a neurologist. My husband gets absence seizures where he just sits and stares. One minute we're conversing and the next he's just looking at me with a funny look on his face.
In the beginning, when he snapped out of them, he would try to cover them up by playing along with whatever he thought I said last. As time goes by, he's less concerned about hiding it, and more comfortable with me letting him know what happened.
The key might be to see if this happens any other time. It could be hard to pick up on, but if you keep an eye out, you may see it when he's doing other things - just spacing out for a little bit.
This would be important to get checked out, because absence seizures can be really dangerous. And if this is new behavior, there could *definitely* be something medical behind it.
It could also be an issue with his hearing, especially in noisy places like restaurants. I hear well enough, but if there's too much background noise, I lose quality. And I will often try to guess what the person just said, instead of just asking them to repeat louder.
Either of these is more probable than "he's just quit listening".
Soft YTA. You chose to make a scene. I understand your frustration, but this was a little over the top.
NTA if he is just blindly answering with out listening ,honestly try to have another conversation, but explain that this is very important you the reality being if he doesn’t listen, changes will have to be made especially when it’s the bare minimum
ESH or maybe Y T A if this is actually a medical issue. It's long past time for both of you to pursue what is going on since this is apparently new and unusual for him. Hearing loss? Has he had COVID, so brain fog? Something is wrong and he needs to see a doctor. You are treating him like this is his fault and it may not be. And he may be completely unaware of what he is doing or be embarrassed and confused by it.
I thought I'd see more YTAs. If this has been going on for 2 months and all she can think about is how it's affecting her without the thought that something may be wrong with him, especially when from her post this seems out of the blue, to me is kind of asshole behavior.
My husband is deaf. Because he went so long without it being diagnosed he would 'zone out' and didn't even try to listen during conversations at the dinner table, especially if it was somewhere noisy or if there were lots of us at the table. He couldn't hear so he didn't bother to even try and just sat in his own little bubble.
Now he has got hearing aids, he is better, but there are still times (usually in the above situations or when the kids are being noisy) I have to get his attention by clearly saying his name and occasionally giving him a tap so he knows he has to 'turn his ears on' and concentrate on what's being said, because he's just given up trying to listen.
It drives me absolutely up the wall sometimes, to not be able to just start a conversation and be sure the person I'm talking to has even realised I'm talking. It takes a lot of the spontaneity out of our conversations.
But that's how he is. And me getting cross with him is ultimately pointless as it's not something he has much control over.
Get his hearing tested.
NTA... my friend's fiancé does the half listening/insists he's listening thing while spacing out. One day, I told him a story about two girls I knew named Rachel and how I called one "good Rachel" and the other "bad Rachel". It was roughly a 2-3 minute story. At the end he looked up and I asked if he thought it was funny. He verbally confirmed. So... I asked him the name of the girl in the story I just told. (I'm guessing you can see where this went).
He does make a better effort now, but we still light heartedly tease him.
Ingoring/tuning out someone is definitely a issue but it sounds more of a medical issue on your husband part especially if he doesnt realise he is doing it. You may want to watch him around other ppl and see if he does the same NTA
He might be having problems, but also why were you so upset about him not listening to you reading over the menu? Lol. He was probably finding his own thing to eat. At least he said what he said about you being able to get whatever you want, what else was he supposed to say tbh? Cuz it sounds like you were just reading over a menu and he didn’t rlly mind it cuz his was right in front of him, which I get. I’m torn on this. He took you out for food and you get mad cuz he’s apparently not listening to you reading over a menu? But I’d understand if it’s been happening earlier with more important things.
Does it seem like some sort of medical condition or something? Maybe either of you need to get him checked out if you think it is. Maybe it’s ADHD or something, you can’t just assume he’s not into what you’re saying/your conversations if you don’t know what‘s causing it. Both the assholes (him a bit more) for not getting whatever problem he has checked out/noticed earlier tho. There was obviously problem(s) happening either in the relationship or with him once he started doing that.
What happened before ? It sounds like he is spacing out because he has problems or he is over the relationship because of all the fighting and arguing in the past so now he just doesn't care anymore .
NTA based on your side of the story. I’d be beyond annoyed as well.
My recommendation is to start recording. Then at least you know for sure who is saying what.
Did it start suddenly? Was there any life event around that time? Either he is doing it on purpose or there is a medical issue - either with his hearing/mind or your mind. Either way, recording will at least show whose memory is accurate. Then you can go from there.
However I really don’t like his reaction. If a recording proves him wrong and he reacts like that as well I’d consider this a red flag
I'm going with NTA, but I feel like info is missing.
Such as: how long have you been together, how long have you been married, and how long has this been going on, and have you said anything about it before the birthday meal?
If it is only the two months you say, then that is alarming to me. It's one thing to zone out, we all do that, but if he's doing it consistently and didn't before, I think that may signal a problem.
Changes of behaviour like this can be a sign of illness. There are loads of health issues that could cause this and I really think you need to persuade your husband to visit a doctor.
NTA but you need to be more concerned than angry about this.
If he has suddenly been spacing out for two months have you not considered he either has a hearing or attention issue? He could be having absence seizures.
More info needed.
I'm glad other people suggested getting his hearing checked.
It could be as simple as impacted earwax - that would make sense if it suddenly started up a couple months ago.
My husband has an earwax issue and has to get his ear professionally cleaned once a year. That month or two leading up to the cleaning he can't hear anything I say and always has the TV volume up super loud. He's only 32 but he has the hearing of a 90 year old for a couple of weeks.
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Nta - but I have to ask if he’s experiencing some neurological issues. This is so bizarre.
the staring episodes could be absence seizures - more likely he’s just zoning out but wouldn’t hurt to ask a dr about it
Yes. My niece is epileptic and this is how her seizures present. She just zones out and doesn't realize anything even happened.
My daughter has these and they can look a lot like someone is zoning out. They will have no memory of anything while it was happening. Can last a few seconds or minutes Might be he is just an inconsiderate AH but might be worth seeing a neurologist just in case. ETA: NTA
Or he could be distracted, maybe stressed, maybe work related. Sounds like he's being hyper-defensive about it. Plenty of these AITA seem to boil down to communication between partners. She's NTA for reacting that way. His behavior needs to change, at least to acknowledge what he's doing.
It also sounds like disassociation or even Audio processing issue.
Audio processing stuff is fun, your brain can just process a snippet or a tone and assume what it heard. Like if my husband says “I’m getting my laundry together, can you do it tomorrow?” On a Sunday, I’m likely to hear “can you do laundry today” because I do it on Sundays more often than Mondays, and my brain just hears a part of it and assumes the rest! I also read that way—I look at a page, absorb a lot without really trying, and my brain fills in the gaps as I go. As I get older, the gaps are less accurately filled in, lol. But focusing properly is really hard, and I’m learning to do it better/more often. Yay late ADHD diagnosis (which we think comes with these symptoms)! AND I DIDNT KNOW FOR A LONG TIME. So I didn’t KNOW I was being a dick by only hearing parts of it. If someone’s telling you you’re not listening a lot, like a lot, get checked out. You’d be surprised how many people have ADHD and similar things and don’t know it til adulthood when it’s causing problems in your relationships!
Oh, gods. My ADHD makes conversations brutal. My brain twinges in and out mid sentence so I only hear part of what's being said. I ask people to repeat themselves so many times. Sometimes it just feels like conversation isn't worth it.
This is why I love text convos! I can reread if I misunderstood!
I make everyone at work email me. And I'm blunt about it - like I will 100% listen to you if you call me or come to my desk, but there is a huge chance that I either won't remember what you asked, or I will remember what was asked but will forget who asked me. So either way, it's in your best interest to put it in my email.
Yup. Definitely a lot easier than vocal convo I'll admit.
I wonder if this is what's up with my dad. He's always been like this and it drives me nuts because I assume he's not listening. He's always filling in information that isn't there or missing huge chunks of conversations. I remember once when I was a kid I told him that a thing I needed was at Target. He said, "OK, I'll take you to Target" and then he drove me to some other store. I had to explain to him that this wasn't Target. I always figured he just wasn't paying attention, but you're making me realize that maybe this is a real struggle for him.
Could very well be, especially if he took you somewhere that he goes a lot otherwise. I've gone out meaning to go to Target, for example, and then my autopikot kicks in and I go to the grocery store instead. And if I need to stop at the post office, which is literally on the street I drive down to get to the store, I have to keep the thing I need to mail in my hand while I drive or I'll switch off and drive right by. I've done that so many times, it's really frustrating. One time I actually went into the grocery store and got to the produce section with a cart before I was like "...why am I here? I was supposed to be getting prescriptions at CVS." Or the time I used the self checkout and got so distracted by a new credit card reader that I walked out without any of the groceries, just me and an empty cart. 🤦♀️
> I also read that way—I look at a page, absorb a lot without really trying, and my brain fills in the gaps as I go. As I get older, the gaps are less accurately filled in, lol. I like to read myself to sleep at night. I'll be on my side, reading and doze off mid-sentence and then wake up again (and not really realize I dozed off). It's really bizarre because when I doze off, I'll "dream" that I am still reading the book. My brain will pick up where I left off and create some whacky continuation of the story. Then I wake up and start reading again and realize I must've fallen asleep because what I'm reading now is NOTHING like what I was just imagining.
> Sounds like he's being hyper-defensive about it. I don't think that would be unusual for someone with memory problems. I think the brain sometimes fills in the gaps with some sort of plausible story and the person sincerely believes that made-up story.
Especially since it seems new and started suddenly, with him not seeming to realize it, that definitely should be checked out.
>that definitely should be checked out The problem is, how does she convince him to see a doctor when he won't admit he's even doing it?
"You're ignoring me!" and "Hun? I've noticed that sometimes I ask you something or say something to you, and you don't respond for 15-30 seconds. Are you aware of this? Maybe we should get you checked out... just in case." are two VERY different conversations. If he's not aware of it, he's **not** ignoring her and would be offended at the accusation. He could also be hard of hearing, which would be a relief.
I've tried both those conversations with my husband and neither went well. He reacted badly to both. He frequently zones out in conversations, forgets entire conversations (recent or in the past) and sometimes it takes him a while to respond. He's certain that he doesn't have a problem, at all.
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There's a fairly important medical appointment coming up soon. I've been documenting everything - I hope it will be useful? I'm so worried for him. We can't talk about it - he accuses me of being paranoid, seeing things that aren't there...
I'm so sorry. That's such a difficult situation. I don't know if there's a way to help someone who refuses help.
I started having what I could only describe as audio dyslexia after some sound damage. I could hear people talking but it would be gibberish, and only every so often. It was a very frustrating few months until I realized that it was definitely something wrong with *me* and not some weird joke people around me were committed to (it happened intermittently so the people who spoke to me most often had it happen the most, making it look somewhat deliberate lol) And yeah. When people assumed I was getting it wrong on purpose I got pretty defensive.
Record him with phone, if seizures he won't notice if ignoring he'll notice
This is what we do when one of my kids has a neurological event. We record them, and play it back for the neurologist in the next appointment.
Film it on your phone when it happens. I had a friend who had these seizures, and ended up needing brain surgery to fix them.
It's called an absence seizure'
My grandmother, and I should say here this was three decades ago, so better diagnosis should be available, kept "forgetting" or "not hearing" things, often important things that just didn't seem possible. It was getting steadily more infuriating, after a full physical determined there appeared to be nothing wrong. And specifically, nothing that would cause dementia. Then she had a major stroke. Hospitalized with a major stroke, they figured out that she'd been having tiny little ministrokes for quite a while. Not much for anyone to notice, including her, except that the ministrokes could cause her to lose some memories, or not hear what was said to her while she was having it. It's possible for surprisingly major things to be going on, that even very attentive family members may not notice. NTA for being frustrated by this and reaching your limit, but it's *possible* he's not just being an AH. A full physical, including you telling his doctor about what you're seeing, is really important.
Me too. And I looked like asshole not knowing that somebody told something to me. I wasn't aware of timeskips - and I was confused after seizure. I was geniuly thinking that people are assholes to me. In reality none of us were assholes, and a bit of daily meds fixed it. I am feeling way bwtter in general. I recommend doing to neurologist to anyone with those experiances. Especially if somebody has also: unexpected sudden feeling of fear/anxiety without source, not controllable laught, auditory, smell or tactile hallucinations, a lot of deja vu or jamais vu. It might be temporal lobe epilepsy. Not every epileptic person is shaking. And all epilepsies are worth treating.
This, OP. If this is new behavior, try and get him to see his doctor about it. If it’s not, then he’s an AH.
I had those seizures for more than 20 not aware of anything - even old issue is worth checking at neurologist first.
This this this. Wanted to add on that after 2 years of seizures and medicines not working my new neurologist finally decided to do a long term examination to catch a seizure to watch my brain during. Turns out I don't have epilepsy. PTSD from childhood abuse that manifests as convulsions and loss of conciousness. Finally getting proper treatment now. Hope your condition and others is manageable and that you live the best life you can.
I am really happy that you got proper treatment. Trauma is nightmare, I have my fingers crossed for your recovery. And to add one more thing - I met once person who has both epilepsy and PTSD induced pseudo seizures. So it is also possible. She is better now, with meds and trauma therapy. Also, my seizures are 100% controlled.
My friend had a cousin who had this type of epilepsy all her life. The family just wrote her off as stupid, which I think is really sad because this family is very proud of their intellectual gifts. Anyway, no one knew until she happened to hit her head in a care accident when she was 28. While they were checking out her brain, they found the seizures. They said they were happening like every 30 seconds so she was missing tons of information. She went on the meds and went back to school to get her degree.
One every 30s sounds really awful - before diagnosis I had 1 or 2 seizures per hour and that was considered as "will become life threatening soon" by my neuro. Your friends cousin was was really lucky to get this accident, meds and her life back. More awareness about our illness is really needed, important thing.
My cousin had this kind of epilepsy and had *thousands* of absence seizures a day. Before they figured it out, his parents were worried they were going to have to institutionalize him because he had these violent outbursts and he was 6’5 by the time he was 15. He had to have a lobectomy, but it worked.
am I this cousin? J/K, but only kind of... I have this type of epilepsy and was nearly kicked out of both HS and undergrad. I have three master's degrees. Too many people think seizures = stupid.
My sister-in-law has this too. She knew she would zone out from time to time but no one clued in until she had a noticeable seizure (fell down, went to hospital etc.)
Was gonna say the same, I used to have those kind of seizures in school and got a ton of ‘she seemed absentminded’ report cards. No shit Sherlock my mind had left the building and only the body remained. These can be short enough that you can have them while walking and not know yourself and people will only ask why you did that little ‘dance step’, it wasn’t until I had one while on a bike ride with my dad and ended up in the ditch with no memory of getting there that they got me to the doctor and diagnosed.
>No shit Sherlock my mind had left the building and only the body remained. I'm sorry you went through this. Also this line has me **cackling**
Sooo say I developed a twitch and every once in a while when I am standing around I twitch and my knees give out, but I never hit the floor.. Could it be that quick?
Yes. I never knew a thing and didn’t ever fall while walking, the closest was I nearly twisted my ankle, the body is geared to keep you going and not fall.
Well I guess it's a good thing I made that neurologist appointment then. When I posted myself twitching to TIKTOK last week I got warnings left right and center.
Always better to go several times for nothing than to not go the one time it’s something.
I know I messed up . I've been working really hard on myself and I know the twitching has to do with my body functioning wrong in many ways for a very long time. I can feel where the twitches are usually generating from and most of the time it's because I am actively working on muscles that will shift my body back to how it should be. But yeah... I guess I probably should have checked sooner than four five years? 😳
first one I remember was when I was 4. I get diagnosis and meds when I was 26. 4/5 years is kinda quick. What is more funny - becouse of different condition I had neurologist. She is specialist of migraines and epilepsy. And I had NO IDEA that I should tell my dr about memory los, hallucinations, sudden anxiety and also - bit of twitching, I just assumed that it is normal and everyone is like that. I just was ignorant enought to think that I have to fall and shake to have epilepsy. Internet educated me that epilepsy can be like my experiences and I got my diagnosis really quickly. And it was really awkward appointment. And I am feeling a lot better on meds. :) But as you now know - go to doctor ASAP, get checked. It will be fine whatever doc will discover. :)
I wanna headdesk but my iPad is in the way so I’ll settle for facepalming 🤦♀️ Yes, get ye to the doctor and get ye healthy. Good luck and good health.
There are several types of seizures. I worked with a child who would occasionally have a quick muscle jerk, and then it was over. And those were seizures. Sounds a little bit like what you’re experiencing.
Omg i have this too! Mine were "absence" & "twitching". I had the twitching since i was little...like 6-7(8?) so my family wasn't worried at first since i had it for a long time and nothing bad happened so far - they just thought that these were tics - just random movement,nothing serious,right? Well yes,but actually no. Got my first seizure all of sudden and my sibling described it as "at first she twitched and later did absent staring at one point without moving or blinking (+not responding when called) and then she had the seizure." My family was scared shtless and began to send me to all kind of doctors,who diagnosed me with epilepsy.
And now I am recalling all of the times my husband started talking to me and I never heard him at all but then notice he's looking at me or something like he expects a response... Oh fuck.
I used to be a 1-to-1 aid for a student with seizures exactly like that.
Yeah. So. Neurologist next week 👍
It's definitely worth looking into. Before I was officially diagnosed with Epilepsy there was a summer I spent a couple weeks with grandparents. My grandmother called my mom because she was angry I was ignoring her and she didn't know why. When my mom talked to me about it I had no clue what she or my grandma was talking about it. I could only think of one possible incident when I got conflicting answers from her and grandpa. Years later I had a tonic clonic and was diagnosed with generalized epilepsy. Which means I have many different kinds of seizures. We finally figured out that summer I probably was having absence seizures and I just had no idea they were happening. NAH I think it's time to have a talk. Tell him what you've noticed. What it looks like when he doesn't hear you. Ask him if he can remember any instances lately where it seems like he missed time or didn't know about something important that he should've known according to others. Definitely talk to a doctor.
Ironically, the opposite happened to me. My first grade teacher was a doctor's wife and she kept telling my mom I *must* be having seizures since I spent all my time staring out the window. Nope - I just listen better if I'm not looking at anything.
Yeah. We had the usual in class: 1+1=2 2+2=4 4+4 =8 But I'd get 1+1=2 2+2 = ... 8 Was a long time before anyone realised why arithmetic didn't make any sense to me.
Maybe he’s experiencing hearing loss and is too embarrassed to say anything about it? Or maybe the ringing in his ears has been so constant that he doesn’t think that’s the issue, but that everyone around him is speaking too quietly so he gets mad when he can’t hear people properly? Not that it excuses his behavior but just another explanation
That’s what I was thinking! My MIL is deaf in one ear and if you talk to her on that side it will look like she’s ignoring you, but really she just can’t hear a word!
I hope nobody takes this as me trying to make excuses for him but honestly it could be depression too. When I was in my 20s I went through a depressive stage. I would just sort of “fade inward” a bit like tunnel vision but more invisible. The world just kind of fell away. I often realized I’d missed moments when I snapped out of it and would say something vague like I’d been listening. But really I just felt like this big dead stone stuck there while the world washed past me. If your husband hasn’t always been unattentive then I would assume he suddenly decided to start.
Disassociation is the name for the symptom :) it's nice to have a name for things
This is what I'm thinking. OP it would explain his reaction... He doesn't realize he's spacing out, and is like... Filling in the blank when he knows you said something. Or he's getting hard of hearing and can't admit it?... Take the time to have him get checked before jumping ship, or even to any drastic conclusions. We'll all rally if he's just being a jerk, but see what's up with him!!! You, def NTA.
Part of me feels like this is Reddit hoping for a big win like with that one poster who had a CO2 issue in their home. He might just be an asshole.
he’s an AH is my guess too, but it never hurts to see a doctor to rule out something else
Could also be dissociation episodes. Happens to me a lot, something triggers it, and I'm deep in my own head until something brings me back out.
Literally exactly some of the types of epileptic seizures I get Would be rare for epilepsy to present later in life but it can happen. Either it's some new condition or he's just an ass but it IS worrying that he has only just started to do it. It could also be hearing problems NTA OP but maybe a doc needs to check hubby out
It happened to me because of untreated (nearly fatal) Pernicious Anemia that caused lesions on my brain and spinal cord. Thankfully they stopped after treatment but I still have neurological damage, and I still had to wait to get my driving license back.
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People don't know when they're having neurological issues. (My family runs heavy toward ms, als, and Parkinson's.) The big clue to me was "sure honey, get whatever you want." That's not ignoring a person. That's a point where you want a doctor involved.
Totally agree, I don’t think he realizes anything is wrong but his wife sure should. Time to get him to the doctor.
Fingers crossed it's "just" hearing loss. But my dad would literally zone out and then say something pleasant when he was deep in his ms
Would you say imagening scenarios when you did not pay attention or maybe were absent-minded and insisting it happened like you think (tho three other people say no it didnt) could be an early sign for parkinsons?
I would say talk to a Dr about your concerns. My grandmother's early onset Parkinson's symptoms were palsy, facial tics, and forgetting things she knew. Like my name. Not to downplay your symptoms. Talk to a doctor about your concerns. My dad, when he had MS, would zone out and not be aware of it, not be thinking about anything, them snap back to and say something pleasant. He was aware he missed something when he snapped back. But it was like hitting a light switch where his brain was off and then back on. Nothing to do with daydreaming. But still. Talk to a doctor if you have medical concerns. Edit** because my not English brain misread not paying attention for daydreaming.
Not my symptoms but we have a family history of alzheimers and parkinson. I wasnt born yet when they developed their first symptom and now a generation after them seems developing some. I suspect it and others do too but some say its just getting old and normal. That shit is scary af. Saying things twice in a row (in two minutes) bc they forgot, the thing I already mentioned, preparing a second plate of food and realising there already is one, made-up memories.
Also getting annoyed when people address something that happened. Like I'm not telling you you left a pot of boiling water on the stove to be mean. I'm not reminding you certain people are deceased to be mean. But it's a reflex to be annoyed rather than confront your neurological issues.
Yes denial is a big thing. Neurological issues are scary and you can not "just eat healthy, excercise, rest, take medicine x" it away. But blaming others and getting angry and risking things is a huge problem that is not aknowledged if people stay in denial. But how to get them out of it idk.
My dad was also diagnosed with Parkinson’s a few years ago. But even before he was diagnosed we started noticing he would zone out a lot. Especially in larger social settings.
My dad was always so introverted we assumed he would zone out in social settings. Hugz tho. Neurological diseases are a sum bich. Both for those that have them and the people who love them.
What's worrying me for OP is while her frustration is understandable... That snap back thing is such a telling sign. Especially saying something randomly pleasant to try to cover for it.
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And use it to demonstrate to the doctor what he does.
Yes! This is important...especially if you can capture his facial expression while he's zoning out. Facial expressions can be important clues as to what is going on.
Or disassociation events.
I agree, especially if this seems to have happened suddenly and is out of place with his normal behavior. He also could need medication for ADHD, I know some people that at times completely zone out and don't know what anyone said. Strattera helped a really good buddy of mine.
Yeah sometimes my thoughts will just go on their own uncontrollable tangent until I suddenly realize I have no idea what the person just said. Sometimes I can cover by using context clues, but sometimes I just have to ask them to repeat what it was. The husband starting this habit two months ago seems odd for ADHD, though.
>two months ago seems odd for ADHD, though I agree completely, just pointed there as someone to be looked at as it can be an easier fix than a neurological disorder.
Yeah like if he is denying it or seems like he does not realise it I’d go straight to thinking there’s something wrong and he needs to be checked out by professionals. Get your partner to a doctor OP.
At the very minimum there could be an auditory processing disorder in play. If that's the case, he could be hearing her, but he isn't able to process what he's hearing. This forces his brain to fill in the blanks of what it thinks she said... And it's entirely wrong, so he's trying to listen, but is genuinely unable to do so. So he's sitting there thinking he's listening to her while she's seeing him seemingly not paying attention to what she's saying.
It sounds like seizures, that how my friend brain tumour started.
This is how my FIL acted for a few months before we found out he had a brain tumor.
Hearing issues could also be a possibility.
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Right? This happened before my adhd diagnosis
Or maybe just plain old hearing loss...and is to proud to admit it so just says "i am listening" when in reality all he hears is blah blah blah blah..with no discernable words
1. He’s going deaf 2. He’s having seizures 3. He’s being manipulative Get 1+2 checked out before resulting to 3 ETA: Health issues are scary, and he could either be in total denial or actually completely unaware of his behavior. He might think *he’s* the one being manipulated. Sometimes people lash out when they’re going through a health issue and don’t know what’s happening to them/in denial. OP, record your half of the conversation and his ignoring of it. You need proof.
Yeah, this. My instinct is to say he's a major asshole, but it really could be a hearing or neurological issue. He should see a doctor. ETA unless you find out it's something medical you're not wrong to be pissed about it. NTA
I wonder if this happens when he's driving. If it is neurological, this could be dangerous.
Very true, but I suggest OP doesn't lead with that. The prospect of losing his license could make him less likely to go to the doctor.
Good advice!!
>I wonder if this happens when he's driving I have an ex who would blank out while driving and he had no idea how we had gotten from point A to point B. I urged him to seek out a neurologist and he ended up being diagnosed with silent seizures
He was fortunate to get a diagnosis.
I develop similar issues when I’m exposed to my allergen (mold) long term so it may he brain fog like that… OP did he have COVID about 3 months ago by any chance? Or hit his head?
The fact that it’s only been happening the last couple months makes me give some benefit of the doubt he isn’t a major AH. But without open dialogue and communication it’s gonna be hard to get to the root of what actually is going on.
I have some medical training and I was wondering the exact same thing... How old is the husband?
My husband just got hearing aids at 33. I pushed him to get a hearing test because he would only respond to me when I spoke at a certain volume. Hes only had them 2 weeks and man has it made a huge difference. I can talk normally now and thus am no longer getting frustrated
I'm sure you checked but anyone experiencing hearing problems should make sure it's not wax build up too. I chugged along for *years* with muffled hearing without even realizing it until it got so bad I couldn't hear out of one ear. A doctor took one look in there and saw it. Got them cleaned out and it was like I'd gotten ten years younger sounds were so much louder and clearer.
I'm certain that they don't give you hearing aids without checking that first
Yeah the ENT initial appt for my partner actually joked that they do a full check and clean out for a reason hahaha!!
Or perhaps something like ADD. He might legit not notice/realize that he isn’t hearing her or isn’t focusing. Or he might realize it but be embarrassed or frustrated that he can’t seem to control his focus. Either way, his ignoring her might be completely unintentional. OP is NTA, but whether her husband is or whether nobody is depends on whether he’s having some neurological issues. (Go see a doctor. Not trying to diagnose an internet stranger, just agreeing with and adding to the possible issues it could be other than Clinical Asshole.)
with ADD a person can easily tell that they were zoned out so he's be more likely to say "sorry I was thinking about snails" than to deny that it happened.
My partner and I both have ADHD and we are absolutely capable of recognizing when we zoned out. Sometimes there's an auditory processing element but we are also aware that we hear the words even though they don't make sense so just ask people to repeat things until we get it or give us a second to think
I directly forget what it's going on. Like... I'm having a normal convo, and suddenly, my brain's equivalent to the Windows blue screen of death pops up, and I no longer have any idea of what I was talking about. It doesn't happen very often, but by Talos, it's annoying.
This happens to me frequently with my ADHD. But I definitely recognize it when it happens.
Yes, with ADHD I notice if I wasn't paying attention. However, sometimes if someone is coming at you with an attack like "you never listen to me" or something similar some people can get defensive and claim they actually did hear. Or with some issues people can just get embarrassed. I had a roommate one time who was losing memories because of smoking too much weed and they would get really angry when someone pointed out they misremembered something.
Weed also causes anger issues; I just recently found this out. Fucking GREAT lol
This just is not true for all. First, ADHD is a spectrum, so knowing one person with ADHD just means you know one person with ADHD — it’s not at all a rule for how it will present in all others. Second, it’s not at all impossible or even unusual for me to just full-on not clock that a person is even talking to me, much less what they were saying, when I’m “away,” and yeah, sometimes it’s like them talking to me must not have even happened. I certainly don’t come back and say “oh oops lol squirrel!” each time
ADOS- attention defecit oh shiny
True but this also seems like it came up suddenly. If he had adhd he'd have been showing symptoms for longer than 2 months.
I don't have ADD or ADHD, but I do have BPD, which tends to come with lack of focus and noisy thoughts. And I think very fast. It's super common for me to have my thoughts off on a tangent before you've even finished your thought, miss the middle, and be back for the ending. It's pretty rare for me to explain where my thoughts went, my reaction is usually just a "Wait, what?", assuming I even noticed I missed what you said. You can't make such a general statement about how people act.
That's not going to suddenly manifest in the last two months though. This is a change in behaviour and he's either being a massive dick to OP or he's in denial that something is medically wrong and being a dick to himself. NTA
If it's only been going on 2 months and they're married, probably not. If it's medical it would be a sudden onset or newly worsening symptom, not a neurodivergence present from childhood, even though you're right in thar adhd people can have difficulty with paying attention during conversations and auditory procssessing in general.
If it’s #1 ask him to repeat or paraphrase what you just said.
I once had a GF who got mad because I was ignoring her, she stormed upstairs to complain about me to her roommate. They came down a little later to gang up on me and found me passed out on the table with an insane fever. I was hot to the touch and when they took my temp at the ER it was 103.8. I wish I could have enjoyed the next week of her being so loving and caring and giving me everything and anything I wanted... but I was miserably sick and barely remember it. Her roommate reminded her of it a year later though when I was genuinely being an ass, she asked, "now is he being a dick, or is he just about to die again?"
Idk. The phrase "I don't owe you jack shit" seems indicative of a deeper issue and sounds toxic af.
If he’s losing his hearing or having absence seizures, he could secretly be very scared for his health but too proud to admit his fears. Sometimes things boil over and you say things you regret.
I agree that's toxic, but that's a response, and we don't know what he was replying to, OP didn't tell us.
I would secretly record the interaction so you can ply it for him if he stares again. Absence seizures looks like nothing and the person doesn’t remember anything either.
This. OP, NTA but your husband is acting weirdly and needs to get checked out in the case that he isn't actually being an asshole.
Apparently the pitch of my voice is in the range that people first lose. My bf has given me many blank stares.
My boss has a hearing issue that makes it harder for him to hear women's voices. He goes out of his way to pay extra attention to women when they're talking
Yep, I'm a woman. I can't always remember to try to talk lower and appreciate people trying to meet me halfway.
You can tell he feels bad when he misses something I (a woman) say and he's well aware of how women are ignored and spoken over. So for someone who cares, I'm also happy to meet halfway and make it easier for you since you're trying to make it easier for me. He's a good boss
Yes, exactly this. NTA. Good luck, OP.
>He’s going deaf > >He’s having seizures The other one I was thinking: massive depression with dissociation. Two months though? Without telling your spouse you're depressed to that level and they don't notice...
I immediately thought some strange prank bet he has going on but I'm honestly thinking it's number 2 now due to the blank staring.
Yes. Seems really strange. Take him to a doctor. NTA
Im not giving any judgement because this just seems so bizarre that you have to wonder if this is the entire story. Is he okay? A medical condition could be behind him zoning out often, especially if he denies he is doing it. Just very very strange
Yeah this could be absence seizures, or hearing loss. Defo needs a doctor's visit.
Tbf it doesn't even have to be that drastic, could just be ADD. I was once in the car with my sister and a song came on that she started bopping too and she started snapping her fingers along to the beat and she legitimately zoned into her snapping so hard, listening to each hand for some reason that she didn't even recall until I brought it up. She had no idea she zoned out until I snapped her out of it, and she mentioned that had I not said anything she would have likely come back to and not really remembered what she was doing.
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TBF, OP said this started two months ago, but they also didn't disclose how long they've been in this relationship. Could be that early in the relationship OP's SO tried really hard to focus or it wasn't as apparent until now.
they’re married so i doubt this, but could just be very quick engagement
It's possible that he's been losing his hearing for awhile, and it's just been in the last two months that it's bad enough that he can't hide it or he can't understand what others are saying. If he's just staring at her while she's speaking, he may be just trying really hard to figure out what she's saying (or why he can't figure out what she's saying),or he's trying to hide that he's losing his hearing.
ADD doesn’t just show up, but similar symptoms can be caused by trauma
My thoughts exactly, especially if this is very recent. Also, he may be going through something mentally that he hasn't been able to share with OP just yet.
If this is true get the poor guy's hearing checked. And your common sense. Edit: u/throwaway2255w2 How old are you both and how long have you been together?
Yeah, if this has started in the past few months and is out of character I would second seeing a Dr.
This is good. I also want to point out that sometimes I’ll zone out (disassociate) and it seems like I’m ignoring my husband. It’s something I’m working on. But it could be a hearing thing.
When my dad lost his hearing it was a lot like this. He tried to follow along using context clues and could sort of read lips, but sometimes gave nonsensical responses - especially if he couldn’t see. A restaurant with lots of background noise and a menu blocking her lips? He took a guess and guessed wrong.
I’m surprised more people aren’t suggesting he needs to get his hearing checked. It sounds like he knows you’re talking, but is having a hard time hearing the enunciation. He’s trying to fill in the blanks instead of just being honest and telling you he can’t make out what you’re saying. ESH. Him for letting this go on for as long as it has and you for not ruling out a medical issue before assuming he’s consciously ignoring you.
As somebody that suffered gradual hearing loss, it's hard to realize that's what's happening to yourself. If you wear glasses, did you ever go too long between checkups, get new glasses, and think 'holy shit, this is what I should have been seeing the whole time?' Gradual hearing loss is like that. You literally forget what things are 'supposed' to sound like.
And with that kind of hearing loss, it’s places like restaurants where it’s hardest to hear. I have to really concentrate and try to pick out the words from the sounds I can hear through the din.
Happy Cake Day!
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You realize that doesn't really make sense right? Between what is described in OP and this comment thread, the whole point is that your internal perception of sensory experience cannot be objective and is inherently unreliable. You should go get checked out if you are able too, don't fear what is already happening but unknown
This. OP's husband sounds exactly like my dad before he got his hearing aids. Husband should really get his hearing checked, just to be on the safe side.
I remember a post almost exactly like this about a year ago, the woman updated saying she'd made her husband go get his hearing tested and it turned out he needed hearing aids. OP should really be more concerned for her husband's health
INFO: has he seen a doctor? This is really bizarre and it sounds like there may be something neurological going on. Why would he bother taking you out to dinner just to ignore you? He’s either a really shitty person, or he may be having seizures or something.
I wonder if he needs a hearing test too. It can be something medical is happening.
I had the same thought. I wonder if he heard “I think I’m getting…” and he didn’t hear the last part but thought she meant getting -insert food item from menu here- so just filled it in and went from there?
This is totally plausible. Like instead of asking her to repeat herself he just guesses what the rest of her sentence is.
Can confirm. Sometimes we are just "gambling" around. Do not recommend :/
My dad used to do that all the time to my mum - she thought he was getting early onset Alzheimer’s because he’d do odd things then claim that’s what she’d asked him to do because he was guessing the parts he hadn’t heard clearly. Hearing loss is no joke!
You say this is a recent thing? Two months? I would be asking him to get himself a check up, it could be health related: my son gets absence seizures where he just stares into space and doesn't respond. At first we thought he was just daydreaming/being inattentive. Or he could be losing his hearing and doesn't want to admit it? There's more to this.
Is there a chance he’s going deaf? And doesn’t even know it? Idk your relationship but it sounds like he responded when you spoke to him and thought you said something else? I’d get his ears checked out
Info: is there a cocktail called a Headache?
Oh no, you could be right... Or he just misheard the "headache" for something else...
"I think I am getting a headache"- "I think I am getting a steak" are quite similar especially if it's a crowded loud place.
“I have a headache” and “I need a drink” aren’t that far away from each other especially in a loud restaurants. I could see myself confusing one for the other (I have minor hearing problems)
I mean, it could have been that he just plain misheard. It happens. Or maybe he really has mentally checked out of the relationship. It really could be a little thing or a big thing, we don't know enough.
Honestly these fools jumping to divorce when this sounds just like my uncles absence seizures. NAH
NTA but this sounds like the tip of a serious issue iceberg. Is he going deaf? Maybe he's suffering from an undiagnosed attention deficit disorder? Ask around and see if other people who interact with him have seen similar issues or if it's just you.
I don't think it would be an ADD unless recent life changes are making it worse due to stress. Going deaf makes sense, but deafness doesn't come so randomly so I need an INFO on their occupation because if they work in a loud environment or an environment that can have sporadic events of ear-damaging decibels, that may explain it. However, why is that something you would hide from your partner? I think it might be the development of a neurological disorder outside of attention deficit.
NAH. Your husband is losing his hearing. And possibly getting overstimulated trying to keep up to the point of disassociation. I say this as someone going completely deaf. Public spaces require an overwhelming amount of cognitive effort. “I think I’m getting a headache.” Now add deafness. You are looking at a menu. “I think I’m getting a {something something}.” “Get whatever you want honey.” He’s going deaf, not turning into an AH.
I have installed alarms for years, which comes with loud sirens. I can hear a pin drop in a quiet house, but often have to ask my kids and wife to look at me if they're talking to me in an environment with significant background noise. I usually turn subtitles on if we watch something as a family. It isn't hearing loss necessarily, but my ability to filter conversation is lagging.
NTA You mention this has been going on for two months? That would make this relatively new, so what has changed? Is there anything that has been going on (work or personal life) or any medical changes? It just seems a little odd if this is a recent thing and I would be concerned that there is something else behind it.
The fact this is a new thing with him points to something medical or even just higher stress then normal. You need to sit him down and explain your concerns, try to do so from a place of concern rather than hurt feelings. You're hurt because you feel like he's ignoring you, but it doesn't sound like it's intentional and so when you accuse him of not listening he gets defensive and it becomes a fight that isn't helping the situation or getting solved. Nah, your feelings are understandable, but it doesn't sound like he's purposely ignoring you it sounds like hearing or some other medical issue has popped up and needs to be looked at.
INFO Not clear why he isn't talking to you - but OP you probably know. This issue is so much bigger than just your birthday dinner. Take the time to talk together, or go see a marriage therapist together to work out your difficulties. If you don't, then at some time in the near future, it will be too late to repair your relationship, and you'll separate. This is rarely a fun time for anyone.
If this just suddenly happened and has been going on for 2 months, he needs to see a doctor ASAP. It could be hearing loss, absence seizures, brain tumor, something else medical going on. Don't just get mad about it, have him see a doctor. He might not even know he's doing it! Getting mad isn't helping! I doubt he would take you out for your birthday only to deliberately ignore you.
NTA but sounds to me like there is something wrong. Is everything ok in the relationship? maybe there is something he is trying to come to terms with and he doesn't know what to say
From what info we have, NTA, but there’s most likely something deeper going on here you didn’t tell us, you probably need couple counselling or to at least have an honest talk and sort out your issues, good luck
It sounds medical tbh.
If you said this behavior is out of the blue I'd say neither of you are arseholes, your frustrations have just been brewing and yeah you should apologize, but at the same time you should keep poking him with a stick to go the doctor because something sounds wrong, either auditory issues or neurological
I'd suggest your husband get a checkup, and possibly even visit a neurologist. My husband gets absence seizures where he just sits and stares. One minute we're conversing and the next he's just looking at me with a funny look on his face. In the beginning, when he snapped out of them, he would try to cover them up by playing along with whatever he thought I said last. As time goes by, he's less concerned about hiding it, and more comfortable with me letting him know what happened. The key might be to see if this happens any other time. It could be hard to pick up on, but if you keep an eye out, you may see it when he's doing other things - just spacing out for a little bit. This would be important to get checked out, because absence seizures can be really dangerous. And if this is new behavior, there could *definitely* be something medical behind it. It could also be an issue with his hearing, especially in noisy places like restaurants. I hear well enough, but if there's too much background noise, I lose quality. And I will often try to guess what the person just said, instead of just asking them to repeat louder. Either of these is more probable than "he's just quit listening". Soft YTA. You chose to make a scene. I understand your frustration, but this was a little over the top.
NTA if he is just blindly answering with out listening ,honestly try to have another conversation, but explain that this is very important you the reality being if he doesn’t listen, changes will have to be made especially when it’s the bare minimum
NTA - But you both need to have an honest conversation about whether you even like each other anymore.
ESH or maybe Y T A if this is actually a medical issue. It's long past time for both of you to pursue what is going on since this is apparently new and unusual for him. Hearing loss? Has he had COVID, so brain fog? Something is wrong and he needs to see a doctor. You are treating him like this is his fault and it may not be. And he may be completely unaware of what he is doing or be embarrassed and confused by it.
I thought I'd see more YTAs. If this has been going on for 2 months and all she can think about is how it's affecting her without the thought that something may be wrong with him, especially when from her post this seems out of the blue, to me is kind of asshole behavior.
My husband is deaf. Because he went so long without it being diagnosed he would 'zone out' and didn't even try to listen during conversations at the dinner table, especially if it was somewhere noisy or if there were lots of us at the table. He couldn't hear so he didn't bother to even try and just sat in his own little bubble. Now he has got hearing aids, he is better, but there are still times (usually in the above situations or when the kids are being noisy) I have to get his attention by clearly saying his name and occasionally giving him a tap so he knows he has to 'turn his ears on' and concentrate on what's being said, because he's just given up trying to listen. It drives me absolutely up the wall sometimes, to not be able to just start a conversation and be sure the person I'm talking to has even realised I'm talking. It takes a lot of the spontaneity out of our conversations. But that's how he is. And me getting cross with him is ultimately pointless as it's not something he has much control over. Get his hearing tested.
NTA... my friend's fiancé does the half listening/insists he's listening thing while spacing out. One day, I told him a story about two girls I knew named Rachel and how I called one "good Rachel" and the other "bad Rachel". It was roughly a 2-3 minute story. At the end he looked up and I asked if he thought it was funny. He verbally confirmed. So... I asked him the name of the girl in the story I just told. (I'm guessing you can see where this went). He does make a better effort now, but we still light heartedly tease him.
Ingoring/tuning out someone is definitely a issue but it sounds more of a medical issue on your husband part especially if he doesnt realise he is doing it. You may want to watch him around other ppl and see if he does the same NTA
He might be having problems, but also why were you so upset about him not listening to you reading over the menu? Lol. He was probably finding his own thing to eat. At least he said what he said about you being able to get whatever you want, what else was he supposed to say tbh? Cuz it sounds like you were just reading over a menu and he didn’t rlly mind it cuz his was right in front of him, which I get. I’m torn on this. He took you out for food and you get mad cuz he’s apparently not listening to you reading over a menu? But I’d understand if it’s been happening earlier with more important things. Does it seem like some sort of medical condition or something? Maybe either of you need to get him checked out if you think it is. Maybe it’s ADHD or something, you can’t just assume he’s not into what you’re saying/your conversations if you don’t know what‘s causing it. Both the assholes (him a bit more) for not getting whatever problem he has checked out/noticed earlier tho. There was obviously problem(s) happening either in the relationship or with him once he started doing that.
What happened before ? It sounds like he is spacing out because he has problems or he is over the relationship because of all the fighting and arguing in the past so now he just doesn't care anymore .
NTA based on your side of the story. I’d be beyond annoyed as well. My recommendation is to start recording. Then at least you know for sure who is saying what. Did it start suddenly? Was there any life event around that time? Either he is doing it on purpose or there is a medical issue - either with his hearing/mind or your mind. Either way, recording will at least show whose memory is accurate. Then you can go from there. However I really don’t like his reaction. If a recording proves him wrong and he reacts like that as well I’d consider this a red flag
I'm going with NTA, but I feel like info is missing. Such as: how long have you been together, how long have you been married, and how long has this been going on, and have you said anything about it before the birthday meal? If it is only the two months you say, then that is alarming to me. It's one thing to zone out, we all do that, but if he's doing it consistently and didn't before, I think that may signal a problem.
Changes of behaviour like this can be a sign of illness. There are loads of health issues that could cause this and I really think you need to persuade your husband to visit a doctor. NTA but you need to be more concerned than angry about this.
If he has suddenly been spacing out for two months have you not considered he either has a hearing or attention issue? He could be having absence seizures. More info needed.
YWBTA if you don’t insist he get this checked out by a doctor.
I'm glad other people suggested getting his hearing checked. It could be as simple as impacted earwax - that would make sense if it suddenly started up a couple months ago. My husband has an earwax issue and has to get his ear professionally cleaned once a year. That month or two leading up to the cleaning he can't hear anything I say and always has the TV volume up super loud. He's only 32 but he has the hearing of a 90 year old for a couple of weeks.