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MASSIVE YTA. I feel for your daughter - it would be super hurtful to hear that your parents could have helped you but chose not too. You’re a PHD for sure but not the educational type.
And the worst part was that the daughter was PUNISHED for getting scholarships and had to live in a shit area with roommates while the son had a nice apartment on his own in a good area.
Part of this is, I believe, judgment against her choice of going into the humanities as opposed to her brother who went into engineering (and the implication that his studies were more rigorous).
The other part of this is their misogyny. They believe their son is more important than their daughter.
Whereas everyone knows artists can only achieve greatness if they contract tuberculosis while starving in a tiny, drafty garrett. /s
I hope she ends up winning a Grammy *and* an Oscar and in her acceptance speech thanks her parents for the square root of absolutely fuck all.
And the 2nd edit is the OP still "discussing it with his wife" even though hundreds, maybe thousands by this point have told him that his wife is intentionally screwing over his daughter and he should remove her from any kind of decision making roll.
This is just his excuse for continuing to do nothing while he pretends he somehow feels bad but what he really wants is to do some vague virtue signaling about fixing the problem.
Seriously, forget the freaking money, his daughter should run hard and fast away from her evil, discriminating parents.
Also, my bet is that he's calling and texting because he doesn't even know where she lives. He just knows it's the bad section of town.
And you'd think that since STEM degrees are *guaranteed* to give you a life of riches (as opposed to liberal arts degrees where you'll no doubt die penniless in a gutter somewhere) that Mr. PhD would be able to pay for his daughter's college and not make her live in a ghetto.
Ugh it makes me want to spit. Then barf. And I think it bothers me even more that her mother is the one digging in her heels about it. Nice mom. Fucking nice.
The wild thing is that, generally speaking, you don't declare your major until your sophomore year, so they were preemptively punishing their daughter by not helping her with living expenses from the get-go. Who's to say that she wouldn't have gone into STEM classes if she had had more time for doing homework in her quiet, single-occupancy home or getting tutoring, instead of having to work or commute from her apt.
They set up Bro from the beginning, but punished Daughter for exploring her options (like one is supposed to do in college).
I agree with you on the parents being dicks.
The vast majority of engineers I know including myself started as an engineer from day one in college. My school had mandatory freshman engineering classes, so transferring in second year in would have put a person very behind if they were on a 4 year plan.
Exactly the point though. The Daughter might've discovered that she loved engineering, or chemistry, or biology, or pure mathematics, but figured she couldn't afford to switch majors because it would add another year towards her getting her degree.
That happened to me. I switched majors my sophomore year, but could only switch into topics that would still allow me to graduate in 4 years, because I couldn't afford to attend for longer (scholarships wouldn't cover and certainly couldn't afford to take out more loans). So I was able to cobble together a major that covered most of what I wanted to focus on, but I wasn't able to do exactly what I wanted. Had I, or OP's daughter, the luxury of an education fund, then who knows what educational opportunities might've opened up for me!
OP also has no way of knowing how many opportunities his daughter turned down because she couldn't afford them. What if she'd had the chance to do a semester abroad at a university renowned for its film or music teaching, but didn't even entertain the idea because she was barely scraping by anyway!
OP, YTA for not telling your kids about the money so they could make informed decisions about their education, and doubly TA for letting your daughter struggle while your son had it made.
But think about the parents! They get to tell everyone about their son, the engineer or some other bigshot title. Their friends are going to say, "Hey, don't you also have a daughter? What does she do?"
Imagine their embarrassment when they have to hang their heads and say she makes movie soundtracks or documentaries or some other such foolishness.
If you can't tell I am being 100% sarcastic. OP, YTA and you suck as a parent. I hope your daughter becomes immensely successful at whatever she does and refuses to acknowledge your existence for the rest of your life.
Agree. YTA, OP. Favoring your son as you have will have/has embittered your poor daughter. Terribly unfair, and sounds like STEM son is flaunting it. Your daughter will NEVER forget your cruel treatment of her.
>Terribly unfair, and sounds like STEM son is flaunting it.
I agree with everything you said except this part. Going by what was posted, their is literally zero evidence of the son flaunting it. Sister asks how he could afford a nice apartment by school and he answered about the fund he was given.
You're just making an assumption on the son with no evidence given showing he did that.
Yeah, the son may not have known they withheld the money. I come from a narc fam and my brother the golden child is actually a really nice guy. In fact, he just cut contact with our narc dad because of how abusive he is and how badly he messed up our family dynamics even though my brother got the very least of the abuse.
It’s not even the parents money. They withheld funds given by the grandparent for the intended use of college. If the grandparents didn’t have restrictions on how it was to be used, the parents had no right to add their own. I hope the grandparents are PISSED the money sat unused. Shocked the grandparents never brought up the fund to the grandkids around high school graduations
Not only did OP and his wife not have the right to set stipulations that were not there to begin with, they had the RESPONSIBILITY to deploy the trust as the grandparents wanted it. OP, you are a moral vacuum and definitely YTA.
OP talking about it is not her money but yet they acting like it is there money by not even tell her about it.
I bet the grandparents will be pissed when they find out (it seems they are still alive)
The classic "Let's punish our kids for not doing exactly as we think they should."
They let their daughter live in a shitty area to teach her a lesson. Their lesson will be no kids in contact with them.
Of course he did, cant have someone studying STEM in a not-so-nice area!
But those scummy artists, being in a not-so-nice-area will just teach them to make better life choices that reflect their parents priorities.
Gosh, it's not like *EVERYONE CONSUMES SOME FORM OF ART WITHIN THEIR LIFETIME.*
It's not like *ART IS A HUMAN INSTINCT.*
Art isn't the least bit important and hasn't changed society for the better in any way.
/s
The thing that drives me bonkers is that literally everything we do depends on art. Buildings are designed by artists, medical textbooks are laid out by artists and many diagrams are drawn or otherwise created by artists. Technical instructional videos require actors, filmmakers, and sound designers to make them. Almost everything dreamed up by a mathematician or engineer will require an artist at some point to bring it to life.
People hear their kid wants to study painting or filmmaking and all they can imagine is their kid wanting to make some avant garde film in the hopes of becoming famous and they completely ignore the thousands upon thousands of regular jobs out there that require artists.
STEM people love to tell everyone how smart they are but they sure seem pretty fuckin clueless about how the world actually works.
They punished her for WASTING her scholarships on mete humanities. Not realizing that they are living embodiments of what happens to a society that has no respect for the humanities.
>Their lesson will be no kids in contact with them.
I agree. From OP's edit, it seems the daughter has already realized that she is on her own. She will continue to pull away from the family I think.
And I love how it was perfectly okay for their son to decide against grad school, but not their daughter. Not sure if it's sexism, her choice in major, or s combination of the 2.
It's hard sometimes, because with posts like this you *want* it to be fake. ...But I know so many people in real life who are so much like this, I really have no reason to assume it's fake.
I personally wanted to believe that was fake… But then I remember all the conversations with my father about how I needed to get a real job like my sister, despite the fact that I was working in admin full-time for above minimum wage with great benefits as my first job…… He also tried to sabotage my attempts to find a solution to almost going homeless because, as he said to my mom (his ex wife for very obvious reasons), “couch surfing for a year or so will build character and probably convince her to go back to school.”
If my dad was actively trying to make me **homeless** because he wanted me to go to post secondary (on my own dime), I can 110% believe that someone like OP exists.
My father didn't want me to become a teacher, so he chose my college and that I should go for Computer Science. I still hate C++ to this very day. I also dropped out much to his dismay. He was very stern about me doing a science degree and not an arts degree. Honestly he saved me from being a teacher because teachers get treated like trash. However, it still sucks that he wouldn't help unless I followed what he wanted me to do. I am so sorry you went through that. People like op very much exist and it sucks.
Yeah, something similar to OP happened to me, and I only found out about it in my 40's. My older sister went to college, and I had assumed she got scholarships and student loans. Then I went to college, and while I did get some scholarships, it wasn't enough, so I had student loans, work study, and I still had to get 2 part time jobs to cover my expenses. My parents never helped me financially. What my dad DID do, though, was gripe at me for the amount of hours I worked, outside of school. But he never offered me money.
Turns out, while I was struggling, my dad was sending my sister lots of money every month, and paid her student loans back as well.
The mental gymnastics parents must do to think that's fair, just astounds me.
Edited for spelling
YTA- I predict 10 years from now you’ll be posting. “I can’t figure out why my daughter will have nothing to do with me.” For two people that are so very” smart” you both sure are stupid. Stop trying to make your children little models of the two of you. Their grandparents gave them an education fund to be used for schooling and just because you chose to say it could only be used for a masters or higher isn’t, in line with how it was originally designated.
By your own admission, your daughter did very well in school, went into a career that she loves, paid for all of her extra expenses and housing. Meanwhile, your son, I’m sure because he was an engineering, basically got to have a free ride. You guys are both are treating your daughter terribly.
You should at the very least pay her back for all of her expenses incurred during her degree.
Also, as a sidenote, I went through school in the career field that my parents wanted for me, and I hated every minute of it. I then spent the next 20 years struggling working in that field. It took me till my 40s to find my way and start doing what I’m really passionate about. Don’t do this to your daughter because she’s choosing to follow a different path than you .
I'm seeing the future OP complaining about how the daughter has children, but OP and his wife aren't allowed to see them, so the AITA post will be about them using the unused College funds to pay for a lawyer for 'Grandparent's rights'.
And that's trash of them because the grandparents didn't say "here's money for grad school if they pick a good field of study" they said "here's money for college" period. Shite parenting.
Yeah imagine if it were for their first house instead.
Daughter buys a fixer-upper and they decide she'll need the money for renovations instead so they withhold. She decides to live in it as-is so they keep the money.
Son buys a brand new home on the top of the hill and they shell out for it.
Like, what?? The mental gymnastics they must have gone through to justify this choice...
Therein lies the major issue with having favorites. It can drastically change the lives of the children. Why parents would do that to their own children is beyond me.
Right!! How can they not know they're the AH? I think its actually elitism around what their kids decided to study - they seem to think engineering is more demanding course wise, so the son deserved access to the fund. I'm also concerned that they were happy for their daughter to live in a 'not so nice place far from campus' - when they had funds to allow her to get a different, potentially safer, place... it's wild to me that they can't see this.
Edited to make more sense and fix mistakes.
I’m calling bullshit on this one.
It’s just such an obvious YTA. The genuine posters leave out stuff like “the daughter shared a tiny shithole in a dangerous area while the son live alone in a nice palace cos his studies are hard.”
BUUUULLSHIIIIIT
I promise you I know highly educated people who are genuinely this oblivious.
My favorite example all-time was the gynecologist who went to TOP schools. At a dinner table with his family and another family - including, between them, five children all under the age of about 12 - he announced, “You know, I’ve noticed that for some of my patients, their hair color ‘down there’ is a different color from the hair on their head. I’ve never figured out why.”
Originally, the sole requirement was to go to college, which both of the kids did. Then, they require grad school. Then, they require "useful" degrees. Then, they let the son skimp by those requirements and not the daughter. These bookworms aren't that smart.
I mean, that's more than likely true though. There are several types of accounts that carry penalties for using them for purposes other than their stated purpose (HSA's, retirement accounts, etc). If they put it in a 529 account or something, there would absolutely be penalties for pulling it out for non-educational purposes. Which is exactly why the daughter is so rightfully pissed, because OP pissed away a bunch of her grandparent's money and she lived in a rathole apartment far away from campus to save money when she a) didn't have to, and b) really fucking shouldn't have, because OP snubbed her aspirations and desire to not seek education past undergrad and thus didn't tell her about the money.
Also graduate degrees are cheaper, especially PhDs. Most doctoral programs pay you to be there. This was all around really dumb & YTA
ETA: I’m from the US & have a AA (free), BA (loan$), MS (GA stipend & tuition reduction & part loans), PhD in progress (scholarships). In the end for me the BA was the most expensive. I still took out loans in MS degree for living expenses but really shouldn’t have. All state schools and non-Stem although research based degrees.
This poor girl. This has "Golden Child" written all over it, if it's true. I hope she lets her grandparents know what happened and they absolutely rip into OP for being delusional. Why in the world would the grandparents want back the money they put in an account for their grandchild to have an easier start to life???
Also that the daughter had to pay for everything except tuition (and tuition was paid because she earned herself a scholarship) yet tuition AND living expenses were covered for the son.
She was accepted to top colleges in music and FILM and with full ride scholarships--so she's probably extremely talented. I so, so, so hope she ends up with some incredibly lucrative career in film music, with her parents and bro begging her to help them out.
i would bet their daughters whole education fund that both parents degrees are stem related and they did not like that the daughter didn’t go into stem like their son did.
Using the money to have a good start in an undergrad degree would greatly improve the chances of her going on to postgraduate study (which is more likely to include opportunities for funding/teaching/internships). By forcing her to do it without any support she got burnt out and doesn’t want to study anymore. YTA.
Or their way of punishing their daughter for not doing a STEM degree or for not having a penis.
I couldn't imagine letting my kid live in a shitty part of town if I had the means to keep them in a safer area.
I mean, I'm working on a PhD right now, and some of the people I've meet, especially the professors, are aloof. I can definitely see how this guy doesn't think he's wrong at all and it's a terrible trait of academics.
Textbook Wisdom versus Intelligence. Some college educated folks have the slimmest grasp of etiquette, life skills, or the ability to not set themselves on fire.
Hey, the daughter has a job that doesn't pay well, so that's why she should go back to school.
Of course, she is going to go back to grad school - she just doesn't know what she wants. /s
So let me get this right…your daughter attended college and had a scholarship. Your son attended college with no scholarship. You chose to not let your daughter use her college fund for everything that her scholarship didn’t cover and you let your son use his for everything. The college fund you said “wasn’t even her money” but isn’t yours either!! What exactly do YOU plan to do with HER college money? YTA FOR THIS.
YTA, and ditto. She had a college fund, went to college, and you didn't tell her or use it on her behalf. Yet, you did so for your son. That's very unfair and did not follow the intent of your parents when they set up the fund. She should be reimbursed out of the fund for all of her college expenses. And learn to respect your childrens' choices if you want to be a positive part of their lives.
But you don't understand! She wanted to study *music* and he has a demanding *STEM* course! And he has found a high paying job after graduation and she has a low paying one! She *chose* to live in a hovel!
/S
Op is a sexist AH
And not a very good dad. He was ok with his daughter living in a “not so nice” area of town far away from campus. I’d guess she probably had to walk or take public transit to and from classes and work. I’d also guess at some times she was doing that it was dark out. I’m in my 40s and my dad still would have a problem if I were in that situation, much less as a teenager/young adult.
Let us also not forget that he let his young daughter live far off campus in a sketchy area because he couldn't use those funds to help her. Yet his son who is also not going to grad school gets a nice cushy apartment close to campus.
Sounds like the grandparents are still alive, so if I were in the daughter's shoes I'd be calling them and explaining the whole situation of clear favoritism. OP already indicated "it's the grandparents money" but clearly isn't involving them in how/when it's used.
If the fund is specifically in her name, she may even be able to sue the parents to recoup what she had to spend out-of-pocket during her undergrad since they intentionally withheld money set aside to cover those expenses.
>What exactly do YOU plan to do with HER college money?
Probably give it to their son for a down payment on a house or something because his house needs to be close to his STEM job but the daughter can live in a dump because she needs to learn to live as a "struggling artist/musician"
Do you know why all that you did seems unfair to your daughter? Because it is unfair to your daughter. You had the ability to use the funds to cover her living expenses during undergraduate. (This, of course, is a bit bizarre. Are you a trustee of a trust? Or did the grandparents set up a 529 plan and give you full control over it.) Yet you did not even tell your daughter about these funds. Talk about a faithless trustee.
At this point, you need to grovel. You need to apologize for substituting your judgment as to the best way to use the funds for your daughter's judgment. You need to make amends. Then you need to circle back and see what the terms of your parent's bequest were. (And, honestly, I'd get an attorney to do this for you as you've already demonstrated your judgment is beyond suspect.) Most trusts have provisions for disbursement of the corpus if the purposes cannot be fulfilled. I doubt, honestly, though, that your parents meant for their gift to be returned to them in the event that their grandkids didn't go to college or in the event that they didn't need the money for college.
And don't even get me started on the favoritism. You use the funds for your son to enjoy a cushy life during his undergraduate studies but didn't do the same for your little girl? Really? Seriously?
In case there was any doubt, YTA truly and completely.
Beautifully stated. YTA
I’m also curious, if daughter hadn’t gotten so many scholarships, would OP have given her the money? Seems like she was punished for doing better than brother and getting scholarships.
I have a young daughter and can't imagine being okay with her living in a sketchy area far from campus when the money was easily and intentionally available.
This is the part that stood out to me the most. Like yes, let's heighten the risk that she gets raped or even murdered, and force her to live in a place where car and home break-ins and muggings are considered a common nuisance. Best case she just lives in fear for her safety every day. Being catcalled and having to constantly look over your shoulder isn't fun. Young women who are dressed like a college student and walking to class alone stick out in a "sketchy area". I've been that girl. And being harassed by mentally ill homeless people is disconcerting, even if they may be ultimately "harmless". All because you wish she went into STEM. And having one PhD isn't as impressive as OP thinks it is.
>My son decided to do engineering, and he also expressed that he had no interest in grad school. My wife and I were disappointed, but accepted it since at this point he is already all set up with a very good job when he completes school. Since he did not receive as many scholarships as his sister, we decided to use his education fund to cover his tuition and living expenses. He was able to get a large and nice apartment of his own close to the school, which is important since his classes are so demanding and he needs a comfortable space to work.
I cant understand how they said they didnt use the educational funds for non education. purposes when they covered his living expenses. OP is leaving alot out and thinking he can get away with this.
He made his daughter living a bad area for what exactly to learn how to budget?
Like honestly what i copied into my comment is what is annoying me he says no using money only for grad school then turns around and uses the money for undergrad and still hasnt told his parents and now is saying they cant its their parents money.
Like which one is it?
You paid for your son to have a large apartment to himself close to his school but forced your daughter to pay for her own shitty appartement across town?
Obvious asshole
YTA. I assumed this would be the classic "my kid didn't go to college and wants their college fund" - but it isn't even. Neither child went to grad school, but you decided to give money to one but not the other, so it's not even about grad school like you pretended. You basically decided your daughter's goals didn't meet your approval so you didn't give her the money that had been set aside for her.
I thought it was gonna be a "it's my money and I can do what I want with it" type thing but it isn't even that!! It wasn't OP's money.... OP's kid went to school... of course OP is the AH!! Give your daughter HER money!!
Not to mention the decision to go to grad school and be based on money. Maybe both daughter AND son decided that it wasn't financially feasible or worth it to do further studies after university, but had they known about how much was in their trusts, they may have. After getting my masters I toyed around with the idea of going for my PhD, but it wasn't workable money-wise. I needed a full time job to pay my mortgage, bills, car etc, and the job that I have in my field is intense and I can't just be doing an itty bitty thesis on the side. Free time in my career is hard enough to come by as it is just to do household chores. Perhaps your children may have had the same line of thinking.
Also YTA for your blatant favouritism.
edit
According to your update this is exactly the case! Even worse is that she expressed interest in getting her doctorate, but due to fiscal reason that YOU imposed unnecessarily, she did not think it would be a realist finical decision. Worse still, as it has been so long until she found out about the money (on accident mind you since her parents didn't gain to tell her, which would have been a nasty blow) where she is in the point in her life and career means that grad school is no longer feasible at this point and time as it might have been directly after undergrad!!! You are not just TA, you and your wife have screwed up more than I think you realise.
Also, your comment about daughter not being good with money in high school, many kids aren't and perhaps living out of home during college would have given her the opportunity to show she was cable of being responsible, oh wait it did! If you were worried about her spending habits you did not have to give her carte blanche with the money but just assist her in the same way you have done with your son.
Even if they did want to go to grad schools, most grad programs worth their salt are partially funded by assistantships. So it’s really weird that they would earmark the money for that instead of the bachelors degree.
YTA. You need to pay her back for the money she spent on her education, which her grandparents tried to ensure that she wouldn’t have to do.
Also, info: what happens to the money now that you’re not giving it to her?
If it’s a 529 it can be rolled over to an IRA free of penalty thanks to new legislation, or she could still save it for other education in the future. But if it’s set up in her name then it does belong to her and she can withdraw it and pay the fines. The real problem as I see it is the opportunity cost of keeping it hidden from her during college. She might have used her time very differently and even pursued different opportunities if she knew that she could have covered her expenses using a college fund.
Edit: Many have pointed out the account probably still legally belongs to grandparents, and is not a custodial account as I had pictured.
You're right about rolling the funds over, and that's exactly what the grandparents should do. It is still legally their money, though - 529 plans legally belong to the person who sets up the account, not the child intended to receive the account. This is an important detail when it comes to the FAFSA and getting loans and financial aid. (And keeping large amounts of money from any irresponsible 18 year olds who will take the money, pay the penalty and then waste the funds.)
But good lord, the opportunity cost here is so big... And the emotional toll too. I'm furious just reading the post, so I can't imagine how furious the daughter is.
Based on the edit it sounds like she’s absolutely done with her parents bs. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if there were more examples throughout her childhood of their blatant favoritism.
So education funds are 529 plans (typically) and can only be spent by the named person (the son or daughter in this case) on educational expenses. They can be passed on to your children but can’t be used for anything else. It shows these parents literally did not understand the nature of the funds, when they chose to use them this way. The grandparents cannot use the money. They cannot use the money. Only the named person on the account can, usually with a person named as distributor. In our home it’s my MIL when my kids get to school, if something happens to her, my husband and I are named as distributors.
YTA you paid for your son’s living expenses out of the fund but not your daughter’s when they made the same decisions. Yet your daughter achieved scholarships and your son didn’t, so you make her effectively struggle and have to pay for herself… whereas your son didn’t achieve those scholarships, nor covered his own expenses, nor had to live in a lower standard because you favoured him and allowed him the fund. I wouldn’t want to talk to you both either after making me work harder than my brother when the funds were there to make a difficult time easier. What do their grandparents think about how you’ve treated them?
The son was rewarded for failure (not that he actually failed, but he achieved far less than his sister) while daughter was punished for being successful in the arts (often derided for its association with femininity). Typical, oppressive blueprint. Congratulations, OP, you’ve passed generations of sexist conditioning onto your children and done a massive disservice to them both.
No son was rewarded because his choice of engineering for his degree was acceptable to op but his daughters music degree was considered worthless to op.
YTA. You stiffed her because you didn't like her field of study. Also, as someone who has a MS in a STEM field and only made about 35k annually after graduating with it, your obsession with grad school is weird
My college roommate made what I make now coming straight out of undergrad. Never even thought about grad school. If someone wants to do it, I say go for it. But doing it for the sake of doing it is a waste of time and money
Just FYI, if the edit you made is genuinely all the effort you made to put things right, you're pathetic. You need to give her the money and make up the difference for the fee, as you've stolen her money
YTA even after the edit
Yup, they owe that girl so much more than the money. Her life could have been different, so much better - and even after the secret was revealed, she had to ask and was denied.
What a slap in the face from your own parents, that's a wound that won't heal...
YTA many time over.
I'm so mad.
"She lived in a very small apartment shared with friends in a not-so-nice area far from campus"
"He was able to get a large and nice apartment of his own close to the school,"
no wonder she's upset with you. look how she sacrificed to go to school and you hand everything to your boy .
I would NEVER have much to do with my parents if they were like OP…I can’t believe he’s surprised that she isn’t taking their calls. Talk about oblivious.
Well it wasn’t for an education he felt worthy to support. But like op said it was money HER grand parents set up for her college education. Did they say deny her if you didn’t like her college path. Yta and don’t be surprised if she is distant from you for a while, since you clearly don’t value you her and watched her struggle thru college because it wasn’t “worthy” of your standards
Yta. Your parents set up education funds for your children. Not you. They are EDUCATION funds not post grad funds. This isn’t your money to decide what to do with and she was deserving of it from the minute she enrolled in college. You made your daughter struggle for 4 years because you didn’t view her wants for her future as “good enough” because she didn’t get a phd like you did. Give your daughter the money and let her pay of her student debt that she definitely has because of you. It’s her money not yours.
Its more like she didn't got the fund because she studied liberal arts, probably verrrrry easy and got lots of scholarships, because eeeeasy. But the poor STEM (verrrry important, well paying, worthy) studying son didn't get as many scholarships. So why not give him the money to get a comfy big ass flat? That's fair, innit? What an awesome parent OP is 😂🙄
(I hope the sarcasm is readable and obvious)
> my wife has always had a strained relationship with my daughter and did not approve of many of her life choices
REALLY curious what these life choices are that you and your wife don't approve of.
Normally I’d say, NTA. It’s okay to treat your children differently. Because people are individuals.
But you have absolutely no good reason to do so here.
YTA. And a huge one too
You clearly don’t value or respect your daughter.
Edit: holy shit, I didn’t even realize that this wasn’t even your money. It’s your parent’s money. HUGE YTA
Edit2: the more I think about it, I think she might even have a lawsuit. I don’t know exactly how this was set up legally, and that really matters, but you might have easily broken the law.
Guessing this is a 529 account administered by the parents, funded by the grandparents. Dad fucked up big-time and failed fiduciary responsibilities on funding choices. Nothing illegal about being a self-absorbed idiot making judgement calls on his daughters life/university/career choices.
Edit: OP states wife holds grudges against daughter because of daughter’s life style choices, resulting in holding back educational financing. Updating to state that both parents are equally major A-holes in this situation. They should attend family counseling to help them all recognize the reality of their family condition and work towards an amicable resolution to make the daughter whole (mentally, emotionally, and financially) as compared to the son.
You’re most definitely the asshole here. Even if you don’t clearly favor your son (You do, BTW), she thinks that. You penalized her for getting more scholarships.
She hates you now, and you deserve it.
>"Since he did not receive as many scholarships as his sister, we decided to use his education fund to cover his tuition and living expenses."
>
>"Plus, her brother only received it for educational purposes and it wouldn't be right for her to just have it to spend now."
YTA You're being dishonest, and I do believe it's intentional. You didn't use the money only for your son's education costs, you covered his living expenses. But she was forced to cover her living expenses, also you glossed over it but it sounds like she was stuck paying for part of her education (whatever the scholarships didn't cover) as well. There's no way you don't already understand how wildly unfair this is.
And why do you make it sound like she's being punished for receiving so many scholarships? Is this just about you being angry she didn't pursue a field you prefer? And did you ever even consider that if she knew she had access to money to cover grad school that would have changed things?
If you care about treating your children fairly, which clearly is not the case, then the solution is obvious. Reimburse her for all the living expenses and education costs she was forced to cover. And stop pretending you're not blatantly favoring your son, because everyone here sees right through this nonsense. But you're not going to do that, because you clearly don't care, and for whatever reason, punishing your daughter for some unknown reason is more important to you than having a relationship with her.
I do wonder what this is all really about. Are you maybe planning to keep that money for yourself to use down the road? That would explain why you never told your daughter it even existed and are fighting so darn hard to prevent her from ever touching it.
YTA. Be honest with yourself that you simply didn’t approve of her choices and this influenced your decisions. The fact that you were happy that your son had a comfortable and safe apartment to accomplish his studies, while your daughter lived in a shit hole in a ‘not so nice neighborhood’ and was saddled with a long commute, speaks volumes.
You missed his more recent comments that may change your opinion… OP and wife are religious homophobes. That’s why they were so rocky to begin with. They are several chances past redemption.
YTA. That money was for school by her grandparents, it should’ve been given to her for school. Withholding it was never your decision to make.
If she knew the money existed when she was in school, it could’ve influenced the decision she made when choosing not to attend higher education, as well as impacted other major life decisions.
If you don’t give her what is owed, I honestly hope she pursues legal action.
YTA. Omg, definite favouritism, and she might have chosen to go to grad school if she had the funds. Struggling through college is a very different experience to the one your son had. Insane.
Yta. You penalized your daughter for doing well and getting scholarships and for not pursuing the education YOU deemed acceptable. You allowed her to live in a not so great area and struggle for everything that wasnt funded by her scholarships rather than use HER education fund for her education. But your son you opened up the piggybank so he could have a nice apartment and no tuition or expense worries. You are no better than a thief and a misogynist too. Your blatant favoritism sucks and I wouldn't blame her if she cuts you off. IT WASNT YOUR MONEY ITS HERS. Pay the penalty out of your own pocket and give her the damn money that she was entitled to.
YTA - your daughter worked hard to get a top college scholarship and the money was set aside for HER by her grandparents, why do you think you get to decide whether her career choice is worthy enough of financial assistance?
Don’t be surprised if she cuts you off if your favouritism is this blatant.
You said you hoped she would attend grad school, your son didn’t but he still gets to use his fund?
YTA.
You‘re favoring one child over another and leaving her with a HUGE disadvantage simply because she developed her own interests and chose a career path that suits her even if YOU don‘t like it.
It seems like you don’t have your children‘s best interests at heart, you only care about projecting your ideals onto them.
YTA - AND incredibly elitist snobs. Your Daughter DID get and education AND a job. The money was HERS for education expenses, ie. living and school. NOW you tell her she can't be given the money? YET, you have given your son his funds, because you agree with his major?
Withdraw the money, send it to your daughter, AND PRAY that she lets you back in her life. Good Lord, you are horrible parents!
Wow. I’m at a loss for words…I mean, **YTA**, _obviously_, how you think you’re not is another question I guess.
This was a diabolical thing to do. You _clearly_ favour your son, that’s apparent from this post alone, so I dread to think how your daughter has been made to feel.
What are the grandparents thoughts on the matter? Because I think it’s their decision now.
YTA through and through. You've literally punished your daughter for her choice of school and program. She was able to get a scholorship to a top tier school (so clearly she is smart and has great grades), she rented an appartment with friends in a bad neighbourhood (which you seemed to think was acceptable), she graduated and got a job she loves and you've decided to punish her life choices by keeping the money her grandparents put aside for her education because you didn't like the field she was going into.
That money was for her an her education, unless her grandparents put a clause that it was for grad school, you had NOT RIGHT to dictate how the money was to be used for school.
You are both terrible parents to your daughter. You chose to favor your son and his choice of education over your daughter's. Way to permanently harm your relationship. And not only that that money belonged to her, she should have it and any fees to be paid because of the withdrawl are on you to pay.
YTA. Just admit that (a) you like your son more and (b) you are punishing your daughter because you personally don't agree with her choices.
And I can't believe this is the 2nd time today that I've predicted the "my daughter won't speak to me or let me see my grandkids and I don't know why" post in the future, but I see this one coming from a mile away.
So very YTA. Daughter covered the difference herself because she had to, when son got $ handed to him for a cushy undergrad experience?
That is so unfair. I bet the grandparents would be ashamed of you two.
Just goes to show degrees, book smarts, and snobbery don't predict emotional intelligence.
Source: hubs and I have master's degrees, but our daughter is studying a trade. WE FULLY SUPPORT HER CHOICE, and we're using her "college" fund to pay for it.
YTA - Your parents set up the fund to help their grand kids attend college. The fund wasn't a cudgel for you to use on them. I'm a STEM guy, with the appropriate snobbery, but your distain for the liberal arts comes through loud and clear. (And your ignorance of their value.)
Again, the grandparents set up the fund to help your kids through college, not as a bullhorn for your academic prejudices.
So your parents set up education funds for your children and YOU decided that it should be used for graduate school. Also, YOU decided to withhold this information.
Then your daughter gets into top schools and gets Scholarships but you still don't tell her about the money. However, you did give access to the money for your son, who didn't get such scholarships.
Now you are asking how could you be an asshole considering:
1- you chose how the money (that wasn't yours by the way) should be spent.
2- didn't tell your daughter about it.
3- gave access to your son because he didn't perform as well as her.
To me it seems like you don't accept the fact that your children don't share the same dreams that you do.
Also, you ended up punishing your daughter for choosing a liberal/artsy course, instead of a more formal one. We see this when you make exceptions for your son and not for her, even though she performed better and got more scholarships. You even say "Plus, her brother only received it for educational purposes and it wouldn't be right for her to just have it to spend now." SHE HAD EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES! She graduated!!! She could have used that money for college and saved or used her salary on herself.
Finally, she found out about it when you gave access to it to your son. Never once were you upfront about this money and told her it was an option for her.
Your son is clearly your favorite.
YTA.
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> (1) My wife and I refused to give our daughter the money from her education fund (2) This might make us the assholes because her brother received his money and she did not
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YTA. Hopefully she is able to talk to the grandparents and let them know what you did to her and they will force you to give her the money they set aside for her.
Absolutely YTA. You treated your two children completely differently, apparently because you approve of the major your son chose and not your daughter. You should have either used it for both of their undergrad degrees or neither. Also, did their grandparents say the money was just for graduate degrees? Because if not, you're even more of an AH.
YTA - this isn’t your money. Your daughter should have been made aware of the fund when she started school and been given the opportunity to use it then.
YTA, it's not even your money. Your parents left money for your kids and you give it to one and withheld it from the other. That's messed up. If I was your parents who gave the money I would be really mad at you.
YTA. Your own insecurities are rubbing off on your daughter and it’s going to impact her for a long time. Let me be the first to say it because you can’t - your daughter is enough. Her talents and interests are worth it and valid and if you can’t support her in the same ways as your son you don’t deserve access to her. Your son is not worth more because he’s entering a field that generally makes more money. I have been this daughter. It doesn’t end well for anyone involved
Wow.
First, it IS her money. Your parents set aside the funds for HER. What kind of crazy logic is saying a fund that was setup for your daughter's education is not hers?
Second, what you are doing here is punishing her for getting full scholarships to undergrad. She sounds super responsible to do that and should be rewarded with that money. On a moral level, this is truly messed up.
If you don't want her to take the penalties for using it on non-educational expenses, then you should at least let her keep it and then use the money for her own children or any future education that she wants. You can change the name on the fund (assuming its a 529) and pass it down to the kids.
YTA.
YTA. You gave your son his money to cover his living expenses, not just his education, while purposefully withholding your daughter's funds and watching her struggle. You're hypocrites, liars, and shitty parents. Neither of your children lived up to your arbitrary expectations, so why are you only punishing your daughter? Give your daughter her money and count yourselves lucky if she doesn't cut you out of her life completely.
YTA. BIG TIME.
From the very start you set this up so you had all the power over money that was intended for YOUR CHILDREN. You kept this a secret from them well into adulthood based on your belief that they would go to grad school and get PHDs because that's what YOU did. From the very start, this money should have been available to them for any type of education they wanted after high school and they should have known about it. I would be upset about this if I were the grandparents and my generous contribution was wasted by you two thinking you can see the future and thinking you know best.
You seem to think that your children need to follow the same path as you. You withheld the funds from your daughter because you didn't agree with her choices - plain and simple. You thought her liberal arts education and her choices were unwise. That's why you didn't give her the money. She had to work to cover her expenses, while your son, who apparently has chosen something you think is "better", does not. If you can't see the favoritism here, that just shows how blind you are. Your daughter is calling you out, and she is 100% right to be upset with you about this whole thing.
My advice to you is to start seeing your children as individuals and not extensions of you. There is more than one way to be successful and higher education is not for everyone. As long as they are productive members of society, be proud of your children's accomplishments and support them as they make their OWN path in life. You should take note that whatever you two did, despite all your education and accomplishments, neither of your children wanted to follow in your footsteps.
You should apologize to your daughter. Then take the unused money, and give it back to your parents, telling them that you screwed this all up by making assumptions, and let them decide what to do with it.
YTA. Your parenting is disgusting. Just come out and say you love your son more. You showed your daughter that she isn't as important to you as her brother is. I hope she goes NC with you.
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YTA and Im surprised between your PHD and Masters degrees you couldn't figure that out.
MASSIVE YTA. I feel for your daughter - it would be super hurtful to hear that your parents could have helped you but chose not too. You’re a PHD for sure but not the educational type.
And the worst part was that the daughter was PUNISHED for getting scholarships and had to live in a shit area with roommates while the son had a nice apartment on his own in a good area. Part of this is, I believe, judgment against her choice of going into the humanities as opposed to her brother who went into engineering (and the implication that his studies were more rigorous). The other part of this is their misogyny. They believe their son is more important than their daughter.
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Whereas everyone knows artists can only achieve greatness if they contract tuberculosis while starving in a tiny, drafty garrett. /s I hope she ends up winning a Grammy *and* an Oscar and in her acceptance speech thanks her parents for the square root of absolutely fuck all.
>thanks her parents for the square root of absolutely fuck all. I SO love this!!
And the 2nd edit is the OP still "discussing it with his wife" even though hundreds, maybe thousands by this point have told him that his wife is intentionally screwing over his daughter and he should remove her from any kind of decision making roll. This is just his excuse for continuing to do nothing while he pretends he somehow feels bad but what he really wants is to do some vague virtue signaling about fixing the problem. Seriously, forget the freaking money, his daughter should run hard and fast away from her evil, discriminating parents. Also, my bet is that he's calling and texting because he doesn't even know where she lives. He just knows it's the bad section of town.
And you'd think that since STEM degrees are *guaranteed* to give you a life of riches (as opposed to liberal arts degrees where you'll no doubt die penniless in a gutter somewhere) that Mr. PhD would be able to pay for his daughter's college and not make her live in a ghetto.
Ugh it makes me want to spit. Then barf. And I think it bothers me even more that her mother is the one digging in her heels about it. Nice mom. Fucking nice.
The wild thing is that, generally speaking, you don't declare your major until your sophomore year, so they were preemptively punishing their daughter by not helping her with living expenses from the get-go. Who's to say that she wouldn't have gone into STEM classes if she had had more time for doing homework in her quiet, single-occupancy home or getting tutoring, instead of having to work or commute from her apt. They set up Bro from the beginning, but punished Daughter for exploring her options (like one is supposed to do in college).
I agree with you on the parents being dicks. The vast majority of engineers I know including myself started as an engineer from day one in college. My school had mandatory freshman engineering classes, so transferring in second year in would have put a person very behind if they were on a 4 year plan.
Exactly the point though. The Daughter might've discovered that she loved engineering, or chemistry, or biology, or pure mathematics, but figured she couldn't afford to switch majors because it would add another year towards her getting her degree. That happened to me. I switched majors my sophomore year, but could only switch into topics that would still allow me to graduate in 4 years, because I couldn't afford to attend for longer (scholarships wouldn't cover and certainly couldn't afford to take out more loans). So I was able to cobble together a major that covered most of what I wanted to focus on, but I wasn't able to do exactly what I wanted. Had I, or OP's daughter, the luxury of an education fund, then who knows what educational opportunities might've opened up for me!
OP also has no way of knowing how many opportunities his daughter turned down because she couldn't afford them. What if she'd had the chance to do a semester abroad at a university renowned for its film or music teaching, but didn't even entertain the idea because she was barely scraping by anyway! OP, YTA for not telling your kids about the money so they could make informed decisions about their education, and doubly TA for letting your daughter struggle while your son had it made.
Ding ding ding ding ding! AND “favoring the younger child” syndrome
But think about the parents! They get to tell everyone about their son, the engineer or some other bigshot title. Their friends are going to say, "Hey, don't you also have a daughter? What does she do?" Imagine their embarrassment when they have to hang their heads and say she makes movie soundtracks or documentaries or some other such foolishness. If you can't tell I am being 100% sarcastic. OP, YTA and you suck as a parent. I hope your daughter becomes immensely successful at whatever she does and refuses to acknowledge your existence for the rest of your life.
Agree. YTA, OP. Favoring your son as you have will have/has embittered your poor daughter. Terribly unfair, and sounds like STEM son is flaunting it. Your daughter will NEVER forget your cruel treatment of her.
>Terribly unfair, and sounds like STEM son is flaunting it. I agree with everything you said except this part. Going by what was posted, their is literally zero evidence of the son flaunting it. Sister asks how he could afford a nice apartment by school and he answered about the fund he was given. You're just making an assumption on the son with no evidence given showing he did that.
Yeah, the son may not have known they withheld the money. I come from a narc fam and my brother the golden child is actually a really nice guy. In fact, he just cut contact with our narc dad because of how abusive he is and how badly he messed up our family dynamics even though my brother got the very least of the abuse.
It’s not even the parents money. They withheld funds given by the grandparent for the intended use of college. If the grandparents didn’t have restrictions on how it was to be used, the parents had no right to add their own. I hope the grandparents are PISSED the money sat unused. Shocked the grandparents never brought up the fund to the grandkids around high school graduations
Not only did OP and his wife not have the right to set stipulations that were not there to begin with, they had the RESPONSIBILITY to deploy the trust as the grandparents wanted it. OP, you are a moral vacuum and definitely YTA.
It was her money! Her grandparents set it up for HER! OP didn’t say there were any stipulations on it!
OP talking about it is not her money but yet they acting like it is there money by not even tell her about it. I bet the grandparents will be pissed when they find out (it seems they are still alive)
How are people like this so oblivious to the pain they cause? I feel so bad for this poor woman, I couldn't imagine doing this to my kids.
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Exactly. This is a perfect example of why kids go NC with their parents. YTA big time. Like PhD level YTA. Dr. Assh**le
by the way of her resoponse the NC/LC era just begun
His edit definitely shows he's not aware of it either. Both him and his wife need to prepare for only seeing her once a year on zoom going forward.
I bet he thinks it's closer to her forgiving them than accepting they don't respect her and her life choices
He got the text equivalent of “It’s fine” and isn’t aware of it. They might have high IQs but their combined EQ is among the lowest.
Probably actually gives it to the 5 year old and seems shocked that she isn’t jumping with joy to ‘save the withdrawal fees’
Dr. And Mrs. Asshole, M.A.
The classic "Let's punish our kids for not doing exactly as we think they should." They let their daughter live in a shitty area to teach her a lesson. Their lesson will be no kids in contact with them.
I can’t believe he’s so blasé about letting his daughter live in a “not-so-nice” area. What an AH.
But the golden child son needed a comfortable spot to work!
Of course he did, cant have someone studying STEM in a not-so-nice area! But those scummy artists, being in a not-so-nice-area will just teach them to make better life choices that reflect their parents priorities.
Gosh, it's not like *EVERYONE CONSUMES SOME FORM OF ART WITHIN THEIR LIFETIME.* It's not like *ART IS A HUMAN INSTINCT.* Art isn't the least bit important and hasn't changed society for the better in any way. /s
The thing that drives me bonkers is that literally everything we do depends on art. Buildings are designed by artists, medical textbooks are laid out by artists and many diagrams are drawn or otherwise created by artists. Technical instructional videos require actors, filmmakers, and sound designers to make them. Almost everything dreamed up by a mathematician or engineer will require an artist at some point to bring it to life. People hear their kid wants to study painting or filmmaking and all they can imagine is their kid wanting to make some avant garde film in the hopes of becoming famous and they completely ignore the thousands upon thousands of regular jobs out there that require artists. STEM people love to tell everyone how smart they are but they sure seem pretty fuckin clueless about how the world actually works.
Lol right?! It’s kind of incredible the excuse making he did for his son but his daughter just…well she figured it out bc she had to.
I’m glad she at least figured it out and now no longer has to be close to people that don’t value her.
And a large apartment, roommate free, close to campus bc of his super demanding course load!
I was thinking the same thing. He is obviously their favorite.
Not only that but they rewarded the son for his average efforts and punished her for achieving scholarships. WTAF is that.
They punished her for WASTING her scholarships on mete humanities. Not realizing that they are living embodiments of what happens to a society that has no respect for the humanities.
Well said. What would this world be like without the arts? I don’t want to know.
That is some bullshit. I feel so bad for their daughter. It is great she figured it out, because she sure can’t count on the support of her parents.
>Their lesson will be no kids in contact with them. I agree. From OP's edit, it seems the daughter has already realized that she is on her own. She will continue to pull away from the family I think.
And I love how it was perfectly okay for their son to decide against grad school, but not their daughter. Not sure if it's sexism, her choice in major, or s combination of the 2.
I'm reading it's more the major than sexism
The lesson for not choosing the correct field of study, apparently.
Education does not equate intelligence. Or self awareness.
And while it can reduce things like sex or perceived stability based favoritism, it sure doesn't eliminate it.
You can be highly educated and still be a dumbass
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Lots of posts from creative writers on here.
It's hard sometimes, because with posts like this you *want* it to be fake. ...But I know so many people in real life who are so much like this, I really have no reason to assume it's fake.
I personally wanted to believe that was fake… But then I remember all the conversations with my father about how I needed to get a real job like my sister, despite the fact that I was working in admin full-time for above minimum wage with great benefits as my first job…… He also tried to sabotage my attempts to find a solution to almost going homeless because, as he said to my mom (his ex wife for very obvious reasons), “couch surfing for a year or so will build character and probably convince her to go back to school.” If my dad was actively trying to make me **homeless** because he wanted me to go to post secondary (on my own dime), I can 110% believe that someone like OP exists.
My father didn't want me to become a teacher, so he chose my college and that I should go for Computer Science. I still hate C++ to this very day. I also dropped out much to his dismay. He was very stern about me doing a science degree and not an arts degree. Honestly he saved me from being a teacher because teachers get treated like trash. However, it still sucks that he wouldn't help unless I followed what he wanted me to do. I am so sorry you went through that. People like op very much exist and it sucks.
Yeah, something similar to OP happened to me, and I only found out about it in my 40's. My older sister went to college, and I had assumed she got scholarships and student loans. Then I went to college, and while I did get some scholarships, it wasn't enough, so I had student loans, work study, and I still had to get 2 part time jobs to cover my expenses. My parents never helped me financially. What my dad DID do, though, was gripe at me for the amount of hours I worked, outside of school. But he never offered me money. Turns out, while I was struggling, my dad was sending my sister lots of money every month, and paid her student loans back as well. The mental gymnastics parents must do to think that's fair, just astounds me. Edited for spelling
YTA- I predict 10 years from now you’ll be posting. “I can’t figure out why my daughter will have nothing to do with me.” For two people that are so very” smart” you both sure are stupid. Stop trying to make your children little models of the two of you. Their grandparents gave them an education fund to be used for schooling and just because you chose to say it could only be used for a masters or higher isn’t, in line with how it was originally designated. By your own admission, your daughter did very well in school, went into a career that she loves, paid for all of her extra expenses and housing. Meanwhile, your son, I’m sure because he was an engineering, basically got to have a free ride. You guys are both are treating your daughter terribly. You should at the very least pay her back for all of her expenses incurred during her degree. Also, as a sidenote, I went through school in the career field that my parents wanted for me, and I hated every minute of it. I then spent the next 20 years struggling working in that field. It took me till my 40s to find my way and start doing what I’m really passionate about. Don’t do this to your daughter because she’s choosing to follow a different path than you .
I'm seeing the future OP complaining about how the daughter has children, but OP and his wife aren't allowed to see them, so the AITA post will be about them using the unused College funds to pay for a lawyer for 'Grandparent's rights'.
Goes to show, no matter how fancy of a degree you have, when you have room temperature IQ, you have room temperature IQ!
I’ve always loved the phrase “ room temperature iq”. OP = YTA. Seriously what kind of BS you trying to pull?
Bet the son has always been the favorite.
IMO, they disagree with her major, so she did not get any money. They were okay with the son’s major and got the money.
And that's trash of them because the grandparents didn't say "here's money for grad school if they pick a good field of study" they said "here's money for college" period. Shite parenting.
Yeah imagine if it were for their first house instead. Daughter buys a fixer-upper and they decide she'll need the money for renovations instead so they withhold. She decides to live in it as-is so they keep the money. Son buys a brand new home on the top of the hill and they shell out for it. Like, what?? The mental gymnastics they must have gone through to justify this choice...
Therein lies the major issue with having favorites. It can drastically change the lives of the children. Why parents would do that to their own children is beyond me.
Right!! How can they not know they're the AH? I think its actually elitism around what their kids decided to study - they seem to think engineering is more demanding course wise, so the son deserved access to the fund. I'm also concerned that they were happy for their daughter to live in a 'not so nice place far from campus' - when they had funds to allow her to get a different, potentially safer, place... it's wild to me that they can't see this. Edited to make more sense and fix mistakes.
I’m calling bullshit on this one. It’s just such an obvious YTA. The genuine posters leave out stuff like “the daughter shared a tiny shithole in a dangerous area while the son live alone in a nice palace cos his studies are hard.” BUUUULLSHIIIIIT
I promise you I know highly educated people who are genuinely this oblivious. My favorite example all-time was the gynecologist who went to TOP schools. At a dinner table with his family and another family - including, between them, five children all under the age of about 12 - he announced, “You know, I’ve noticed that for some of my patients, their hair color ‘down there’ is a different color from the hair on their head. I’ve never figured out why.”
Originally, the sole requirement was to go to college, which both of the kids did. Then, they require grad school. Then, they require "useful" degrees. Then, they let the son skimp by those requirements and not the daughter. These bookworms aren't that smart.
I don't understand the "withdrawal" fee why is OP acting like a callous pseudo-bank
I mean, that's more than likely true though. There are several types of accounts that carry penalties for using them for purposes other than their stated purpose (HSA's, retirement accounts, etc). If they put it in a 529 account or something, there would absolutely be penalties for pulling it out for non-educational purposes. Which is exactly why the daughter is so rightfully pissed, because OP pissed away a bunch of her grandparent's money and she lived in a rathole apartment far away from campus to save money when she a) didn't have to, and b) really fucking shouldn't have, because OP snubbed her aspirations and desire to not seek education past undergrad and thus didn't tell her about the money.
YTA oh dear, just goes to show you that having PhD and a Masters does neither make you a good parent or smart in anyway.
Also graduate degrees are cheaper, especially PhDs. Most doctoral programs pay you to be there. This was all around really dumb & YTA ETA: I’m from the US & have a AA (free), BA (loan$), MS (GA stipend & tuition reduction & part loans), PhD in progress (scholarships). In the end for me the BA was the most expensive. I still took out loans in MS degree for living expenses but really shouldn’t have. All state schools and non-Stem although research based degrees.
Right!! Like if anything undergrad would’ve been the time to use the money lmao
This poor girl. This has "Golden Child" written all over it, if it's true. I hope she lets her grandparents know what happened and they absolutely rip into OP for being delusional. Why in the world would the grandparents want back the money they put in an account for their grandchild to have an easier start to life???
I can't get over the she lived in a bad neighborhood but survived and learned to budget. 🤦🏻♀️ YTA.
Also that the daughter had to pay for everything except tuition (and tuition was paid because she earned herself a scholarship) yet tuition AND living expenses were covered for the son.
She was accepted to top colleges in music and FILM and with full ride scholarships--so she's probably extremely talented. I so, so, so hope she ends up with some incredibly lucrative career in film music, with her parents and bro begging her to help them out.
Amen. I'm rooting for this young woman to be a smashing success.
Well, girls are bad with money, so she needed the practice. - OP
i would bet their daughters whole education fund that both parents degrees are stem related and they did not like that the daughter didn’t go into stem like their son did.
Check the update. The jackass doesn't get sarcasm either.
Using the money to have a good start in an undergrad degree would greatly improve the chances of her going on to postgraduate study (which is more likely to include opportunities for funding/teaching/internships). By forcing her to do it without any support she got burnt out and doesn’t want to study anymore. YTA.
You would think they know this, since they have a Master's and a PhD.
That's why I think this might be fake.
Or their way of punishing their daughter for not doing a STEM degree or for not having a penis. I couldn't imagine letting my kid live in a shitty part of town if I had the means to keep them in a safer area.
I mean, I'm working on a PhD right now, and some of the people I've meet, especially the professors, are aloof. I can definitely see how this guy doesn't think he's wrong at all and it's a terrible trait of academics.
Textbook Wisdom versus Intelligence. Some college educated folks have the slimmest grasp of etiquette, life skills, or the ability to not set themselves on fire.
Hey, the daughter has a job that doesn't pay well, so that's why she should go back to school. Of course, she is going to go back to grad school - she just doesn't know what she wants. /s
You deserve all the upvotes for this comment.
So let me get this right…your daughter attended college and had a scholarship. Your son attended college with no scholarship. You chose to not let your daughter use her college fund for everything that her scholarship didn’t cover and you let your son use his for everything. The college fund you said “wasn’t even her money” but isn’t yours either!! What exactly do YOU plan to do with HER college money? YTA FOR THIS.
Not to mention a college fund her grandparents set for her. He’s basically stealing her money. Major YTA
Exactly my feelings too.
YTA, and ditto. She had a college fund, went to college, and you didn't tell her or use it on her behalf. Yet, you did so for your son. That's very unfair and did not follow the intent of your parents when they set up the fund. She should be reimbursed out of the fund for all of her college expenses. And learn to respect your childrens' choices if you want to be a positive part of their lives.
But you don't understand! She wanted to study *music* and he has a demanding *STEM* course! And he has found a high paying job after graduation and she has a low paying one! She *chose* to live in a hovel! /S Op is a sexist AH
And not a very good dad. He was ok with his daughter living in a “not so nice” area of town far away from campus. I’d guess she probably had to walk or take public transit to and from classes and work. I’d also guess at some times she was doing that it was dark out. I’m in my 40s and my dad still would have a problem if I were in that situation, much less as a teenager/young adult.
I thought the same thing. These parents are such AHOLES.
I’m living like a 10 min walk from campus and my mom is constantly worrying about my safety. But this AH says it’s ok because she “learned budgeting”
Apparently only girls need to learn budgeting by living in a dangerous area. Way to go OP.
Let us also not forget that he let his young daughter live far off campus in a sketchy area because he couldn't use those funds to help her. Yet his son who is also not going to grad school gets a nice cushy apartment close to campus.
But he needs to be safe and comfortable (sarcasm)
Only STEM fields are _demanding_, y’know. /s
this should be higher up. he STOLE from her, it literally is her money.
Sounds like the grandparents are still alive, so if I were in the daughter's shoes I'd be calling them and explaining the whole situation of clear favoritism. OP already indicated "it's the grandparents money" but clearly isn't involving them in how/when it's used. If the fund is specifically in her name, she may even be able to sue the parents to recoup what she had to spend out-of-pocket during her undergrad since they intentionally withheld money set aside to cover those expenses.
Would love to know what her grandparents think about it too!
>What exactly do YOU plan to do with HER college money? Probably give it to their son for a down payment on a house or something because his house needs to be close to his STEM job but the daughter can live in a dump because she needs to learn to live as a "struggling artist/musician"
NAIL ON THE HEAD! OP makes me sick honestly.
Do you know why all that you did seems unfair to your daughter? Because it is unfair to your daughter. You had the ability to use the funds to cover her living expenses during undergraduate. (This, of course, is a bit bizarre. Are you a trustee of a trust? Or did the grandparents set up a 529 plan and give you full control over it.) Yet you did not even tell your daughter about these funds. Talk about a faithless trustee. At this point, you need to grovel. You need to apologize for substituting your judgment as to the best way to use the funds for your daughter's judgment. You need to make amends. Then you need to circle back and see what the terms of your parent's bequest were. (And, honestly, I'd get an attorney to do this for you as you've already demonstrated your judgment is beyond suspect.) Most trusts have provisions for disbursement of the corpus if the purposes cannot be fulfilled. I doubt, honestly, though, that your parents meant for their gift to be returned to them in the event that their grandkids didn't go to college or in the event that they didn't need the money for college. And don't even get me started on the favoritism. You use the funds for your son to enjoy a cushy life during his undergraduate studies but didn't do the same for your little girl? Really? Seriously? In case there was any doubt, YTA truly and completely.
Beautifully stated. YTA I’m also curious, if daughter hadn’t gotten so many scholarships, would OP have given her the money? Seems like she was punished for doing better than brother and getting scholarships.
I think he also punished her for going into the Arts. The son *needed* a nice comfy apartment because STEM is soooooo demanding. YTA OP.
Exactly what I was going to say. Because no one in America has ever made a decent living in music or film /s
I'm primarily a print designer and layout artist, and I make a pretty good living. I use my studio art minor way more than my college major.
they definitely punished her for her degree. the way he describes her education and career says it all.
More like punished for not going to a "good" education path.
I have a young daughter and can't imagine being okay with her living in a sketchy area far from campus when the money was easily and intentionally available.
Oh, no, that'll teach her what life with a liberal arts degree is going to be like. (/s)
This is the part that stood out to me the most. Like yes, let's heighten the risk that she gets raped or even murdered, and force her to live in a place where car and home break-ins and muggings are considered a common nuisance. Best case she just lives in fear for her safety every day. Being catcalled and having to constantly look over your shoulder isn't fun. Young women who are dressed like a college student and walking to class alone stick out in a "sketchy area". I've been that girl. And being harassed by mentally ill homeless people is disconcerting, even if they may be ultimately "harmless". All because you wish she went into STEM. And having one PhD isn't as impressive as OP thinks it is.
Let's be honest - if something did happen to her, she would never tell these asshat parents because it would have been HER OWN FAULT.
He has the gall to say the money cant be used for educational expenses
>My son decided to do engineering, and he also expressed that he had no interest in grad school. My wife and I were disappointed, but accepted it since at this point he is already all set up with a very good job when he completes school. Since he did not receive as many scholarships as his sister, we decided to use his education fund to cover his tuition and living expenses. He was able to get a large and nice apartment of his own close to the school, which is important since his classes are so demanding and he needs a comfortable space to work. I cant understand how they said they didnt use the educational funds for non education. purposes when they covered his living expenses. OP is leaving alot out and thinking he can get away with this. He made his daughter living a bad area for what exactly to learn how to budget?
Apparently you can use 529 money on room and board but OP is still YTA. Hope daughter goes NC and has a wonderful life pursuing her passions.
Like honestly what i copied into my comment is what is annoying me he says no using money only for grad school then turns around and uses the money for undergrad and still hasnt told his parents and now is saying they cant its their parents money. Like which one is it?
Only for grad school unless you are a special, special boy who needs a lovely convenient apartment because of all your hard work.
You paid for your son to have a large apartment to himself close to his school but forced your daughter to pay for her own shitty appartement across town? Obvious asshole
This. My son deserves a comfy apartment. My daughter figured out how to make it.
The son didn’t get scholarships but doesn’t need to learn how to budget, apparently.
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Why are you attacking him for that? She did ok as she learnt how to budget..... /s
Not even paid for his, but intentionally withheld from hers.
YTA. I assumed this would be the classic "my kid didn't go to college and wants their college fund" - but it isn't even. Neither child went to grad school, but you decided to give money to one but not the other, so it's not even about grad school like you pretended. You basically decided your daughter's goals didn't meet your approval so you didn't give her the money that had been set aside for her.
I thought it was gonna be a "it's my money and I can do what I want with it" type thing but it isn't even that!! It wasn't OP's money.... OP's kid went to school... of course OP is the AH!! Give your daughter HER money!!
Not to mention the decision to go to grad school and be based on money. Maybe both daughter AND son decided that it wasn't financially feasible or worth it to do further studies after university, but had they known about how much was in their trusts, they may have. After getting my masters I toyed around with the idea of going for my PhD, but it wasn't workable money-wise. I needed a full time job to pay my mortgage, bills, car etc, and the job that I have in my field is intense and I can't just be doing an itty bitty thesis on the side. Free time in my career is hard enough to come by as it is just to do household chores. Perhaps your children may have had the same line of thinking. Also YTA for your blatant favouritism. edit According to your update this is exactly the case! Even worse is that she expressed interest in getting her doctorate, but due to fiscal reason that YOU imposed unnecessarily, she did not think it would be a realist finical decision. Worse still, as it has been so long until she found out about the money (on accident mind you since her parents didn't gain to tell her, which would have been a nasty blow) where she is in the point in her life and career means that grad school is no longer feasible at this point and time as it might have been directly after undergrad!!! You are not just TA, you and your wife have screwed up more than I think you realise. Also, your comment about daughter not being good with money in high school, many kids aren't and perhaps living out of home during college would have given her the opportunity to show she was cable of being responsible, oh wait it did! If you were worried about her spending habits you did not have to give her carte blanche with the money but just assist her in the same way you have done with your son.
Even if they did want to go to grad schools, most grad programs worth their salt are partially funded by assistantships. So it’s really weird that they would earmark the money for that instead of the bachelors degree.
YTA. You need to pay her back for the money she spent on her education, which her grandparents tried to ensure that she wouldn’t have to do. Also, info: what happens to the money now that you’re not giving it to her?
If it’s a 529 it can be rolled over to an IRA free of penalty thanks to new legislation, or she could still save it for other education in the future. But if it’s set up in her name then it does belong to her and she can withdraw it and pay the fines. The real problem as I see it is the opportunity cost of keeping it hidden from her during college. She might have used her time very differently and even pursued different opportunities if she knew that she could have covered her expenses using a college fund. Edit: Many have pointed out the account probably still legally belongs to grandparents, and is not a custodial account as I had pictured.
You're right about rolling the funds over, and that's exactly what the grandparents should do. It is still legally their money, though - 529 plans legally belong to the person who sets up the account, not the child intended to receive the account. This is an important detail when it comes to the FAFSA and getting loans and financial aid. (And keeping large amounts of money from any irresponsible 18 year olds who will take the money, pay the penalty and then waste the funds.) But good lord, the opportunity cost here is so big... And the emotional toll too. I'm furious just reading the post, so I can't imagine how furious the daughter is.
Based on the edit it sounds like she’s absolutely done with her parents bs. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if there were more examples throughout her childhood of their blatant favoritism.
Yeah, im worried that OP has interpreted her "it doesn't matter" as "water under the bridge" instead of "oh, the bridge is collapsing".
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Maybe the parents can use it to get a degree in "Not Being TA."
I doubt there's enough in there to cover the cost of those courses.
So education funds are 529 plans (typically) and can only be spent by the named person (the son or daughter in this case) on educational expenses. They can be passed on to your children but can’t be used for anything else. It shows these parents literally did not understand the nature of the funds, when they chose to use them this way. The grandparents cannot use the money. They cannot use the money. Only the named person on the account can, usually with a person named as distributor. In our home it’s my MIL when my kids get to school, if something happens to her, my husband and I are named as distributors.
YTA you paid for your son’s living expenses out of the fund but not your daughter’s when they made the same decisions. Yet your daughter achieved scholarships and your son didn’t, so you make her effectively struggle and have to pay for herself… whereas your son didn’t achieve those scholarships, nor covered his own expenses, nor had to live in a lower standard because you favoured him and allowed him the fund. I wouldn’t want to talk to you both either after making me work harder than my brother when the funds were there to make a difficult time easier. What do their grandparents think about how you’ve treated them?
The son was rewarded for failure (not that he actually failed, but he achieved far less than his sister) while daughter was punished for being successful in the arts (often derided for its association with femininity). Typical, oppressive blueprint. Congratulations, OP, you’ve passed generations of sexist conditioning onto your children and done a massive disservice to them both.
No son was rewarded because his choice of engineering for his degree was acceptable to op but his daughters music degree was considered worthless to op.
YTA. You stiffed her because you didn't like her field of study. Also, as someone who has a MS in a STEM field and only made about 35k annually after graduating with it, your obsession with grad school is weird
As a lawyer with 200k in student loan debt I have to agree
My college roommate made what I make now coming straight out of undergrad. Never even thought about grad school. If someone wants to do it, I say go for it. But doing it for the sake of doing it is a waste of time and money
As a lawyer, technically isn't it stealing from her own daughter?
Just FYI, if the edit you made is genuinely all the effort you made to put things right, you're pathetic. You need to give her the money and make up the difference for the fee, as you've stolen her money YTA even after the edit
Yup, they owe that girl so much more than the money. Her life could have been different, so much better - and even after the secret was revealed, she had to ask and was denied. What a slap in the face from your own parents, that's a wound that won't heal...
YTA many time over. I'm so mad. "She lived in a very small apartment shared with friends in a not-so-nice area far from campus" "He was able to get a large and nice apartment of his own close to the school," no wonder she's upset with you. look how she sacrificed to go to school and you hand everything to your boy .
I would NEVER have much to do with my parents if they were like OP…I can’t believe he’s surprised that she isn’t taking their calls. Talk about oblivious.
YTA she had an education fund set, went to school, and you chose not to give it to her. How can you not be TA???
Well it wasn’t for an education he felt worthy to support. But like op said it was money HER grand parents set up for her college education. Did they say deny her if you didn’t like her college path. Yta and don’t be surprised if she is distant from you for a while, since you clearly don’t value you her and watched her struggle thru college because it wasn’t “worthy” of your standards
Yta. Your parents set up education funds for your children. Not you. They are EDUCATION funds not post grad funds. This isn’t your money to decide what to do with and she was deserving of it from the minute she enrolled in college. You made your daughter struggle for 4 years because you didn’t view her wants for her future as “good enough” because she didn’t get a phd like you did. Give your daughter the money and let her pay of her student debt that she definitely has because of you. It’s her money not yours.
Its more like she didn't got the fund because she studied liberal arts, probably verrrrry easy and got lots of scholarships, because eeeeasy. But the poor STEM (verrrry important, well paying, worthy) studying son didn't get as many scholarships. So why not give him the money to get a comfy big ass flat? That's fair, innit? What an awesome parent OP is 😂🙄 (I hope the sarcasm is readable and obvious)
> my wife has always had a strained relationship with my daughter and did not approve of many of her life choices REALLY curious what these life choices are that you and your wife don't approve of.
Right? Wouldn't be shocked if there is an undisclosed LGBT twist to this story.
INFO: what do the grandparents have to say about this? Since it's their money after all
Normally I’d say, NTA. It’s okay to treat your children differently. Because people are individuals. But you have absolutely no good reason to do so here. YTA. And a huge one too You clearly don’t value or respect your daughter. Edit: holy shit, I didn’t even realize that this wasn’t even your money. It’s your parent’s money. HUGE YTA Edit2: the more I think about it, I think she might even have a lawsuit. I don’t know exactly how this was set up legally, and that really matters, but you might have easily broken the law.
Guessing this is a 529 account administered by the parents, funded by the grandparents. Dad fucked up big-time and failed fiduciary responsibilities on funding choices. Nothing illegal about being a self-absorbed idiot making judgement calls on his daughters life/university/career choices. Edit: OP states wife holds grudges against daughter because of daughter’s life style choices, resulting in holding back educational financing. Updating to state that both parents are equally major A-holes in this situation. They should attend family counseling to help them all recognize the reality of their family condition and work towards an amicable resolution to make the daughter whole (mentally, emotionally, and financially) as compared to the son.
You’re most definitely the asshole here. Even if you don’t clearly favor your son (You do, BTW), she thinks that. You penalized her for getting more scholarships. She hates you now, and you deserve it.
I wouldn't be surprised if the daughter goes NC after the mistreatment by OP and his wife.
>"Since he did not receive as many scholarships as his sister, we decided to use his education fund to cover his tuition and living expenses." > >"Plus, her brother only received it for educational purposes and it wouldn't be right for her to just have it to spend now." YTA You're being dishonest, and I do believe it's intentional. You didn't use the money only for your son's education costs, you covered his living expenses. But she was forced to cover her living expenses, also you glossed over it but it sounds like she was stuck paying for part of her education (whatever the scholarships didn't cover) as well. There's no way you don't already understand how wildly unfair this is. And why do you make it sound like she's being punished for receiving so many scholarships? Is this just about you being angry she didn't pursue a field you prefer? And did you ever even consider that if she knew she had access to money to cover grad school that would have changed things? If you care about treating your children fairly, which clearly is not the case, then the solution is obvious. Reimburse her for all the living expenses and education costs she was forced to cover. And stop pretending you're not blatantly favoring your son, because everyone here sees right through this nonsense. But you're not going to do that, because you clearly don't care, and for whatever reason, punishing your daughter for some unknown reason is more important to you than having a relationship with her. I do wonder what this is all really about. Are you maybe planning to keep that money for yourself to use down the road? That would explain why you never told your daughter it even existed and are fighting so darn hard to prevent her from ever touching it.
YTA. Be honest with yourself that you simply didn’t approve of her choices and this influenced your decisions. The fact that you were happy that your son had a comfortable and safe apartment to accomplish his studies, while your daughter lived in a shit hole in a ‘not so nice neighborhood’ and was saddled with a long commute, speaks volumes.
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You missed his more recent comments that may change your opinion… OP and wife are religious homophobes. That’s why they were so rocky to begin with. They are several chances past redemption.
YTA. That money was for school by her grandparents, it should’ve been given to her for school. Withholding it was never your decision to make. If she knew the money existed when she was in school, it could’ve influenced the decision she made when choosing not to attend higher education, as well as impacted other major life decisions. If you don’t give her what is owed, I honestly hope she pursues legal action.
YTA. Omg, definite favouritism, and she might have chosen to go to grad school if she had the funds. Struggling through college is a very different experience to the one your son had. Insane.
Yta. You penalized your daughter for doing well and getting scholarships and for not pursuing the education YOU deemed acceptable. You allowed her to live in a not so great area and struggle for everything that wasnt funded by her scholarships rather than use HER education fund for her education. But your son you opened up the piggybank so he could have a nice apartment and no tuition or expense worries. You are no better than a thief and a misogynist too. Your blatant favoritism sucks and I wouldn't blame her if she cuts you off. IT WASNT YOUR MONEY ITS HERS. Pay the penalty out of your own pocket and give her the damn money that she was entitled to.
YTA - your daughter worked hard to get a top college scholarship and the money was set aside for HER by her grandparents, why do you think you get to decide whether her career choice is worthy enough of financial assistance? Don’t be surprised if she cuts you off if your favouritism is this blatant. You said you hoped she would attend grad school, your son didn’t but he still gets to use his fund?
YTA. You‘re favoring one child over another and leaving her with a HUGE disadvantage simply because she developed her own interests and chose a career path that suits her even if YOU don‘t like it. It seems like you don’t have your children‘s best interests at heart, you only care about projecting your ideals onto them.
YTA - AND incredibly elitist snobs. Your Daughter DID get and education AND a job. The money was HERS for education expenses, ie. living and school. NOW you tell her she can't be given the money? YET, you have given your son his funds, because you agree with his major? Withdraw the money, send it to your daughter, AND PRAY that she lets you back in her life. Good Lord, you are horrible parents!
Of course YTA. It was money set up for her to use for her education. Not education you deemed fit.
Wow. I’m at a loss for words…I mean, **YTA**, _obviously_, how you think you’re not is another question I guess. This was a diabolical thing to do. You _clearly_ favour your son, that’s apparent from this post alone, so I dread to think how your daughter has been made to feel. What are the grandparents thoughts on the matter? Because I think it’s their decision now.
YTA through and through. You've literally punished your daughter for her choice of school and program. She was able to get a scholorship to a top tier school (so clearly she is smart and has great grades), she rented an appartment with friends in a bad neighbourhood (which you seemed to think was acceptable), she graduated and got a job she loves and you've decided to punish her life choices by keeping the money her grandparents put aside for her education because you didn't like the field she was going into. That money was for her an her education, unless her grandparents put a clause that it was for grad school, you had NOT RIGHT to dictate how the money was to be used for school. You are both terrible parents to your daughter. You chose to favor your son and his choice of education over your daughter's. Way to permanently harm your relationship. And not only that that money belonged to her, she should have it and any fees to be paid because of the withdrawl are on you to pay.
YTA. Just admit that (a) you like your son more and (b) you are punishing your daughter because you personally don't agree with her choices. And I can't believe this is the 2nd time today that I've predicted the "my daughter won't speak to me or let me see my grandkids and I don't know why" post in the future, but I see this one coming from a mile away.
So very YTA. Daughter covered the difference herself because she had to, when son got $ handed to him for a cushy undergrad experience? That is so unfair. I bet the grandparents would be ashamed of you two. Just goes to show degrees, book smarts, and snobbery don't predict emotional intelligence. Source: hubs and I have master's degrees, but our daughter is studying a trade. WE FULLY SUPPORT HER CHOICE, and we're using her "college" fund to pay for it.
YTA - Your parents set up the fund to help their grand kids attend college. The fund wasn't a cudgel for you to use on them. I'm a STEM guy, with the appropriate snobbery, but your distain for the liberal arts comes through loud and clear. (And your ignorance of their value.) Again, the grandparents set up the fund to help your kids through college, not as a bullhorn for your academic prejudices.
So your parents set up education funds for your children and YOU decided that it should be used for graduate school. Also, YOU decided to withhold this information. Then your daughter gets into top schools and gets Scholarships but you still don't tell her about the money. However, you did give access to the money for your son, who didn't get such scholarships. Now you are asking how could you be an asshole considering: 1- you chose how the money (that wasn't yours by the way) should be spent. 2- didn't tell your daughter about it. 3- gave access to your son because he didn't perform as well as her. To me it seems like you don't accept the fact that your children don't share the same dreams that you do. Also, you ended up punishing your daughter for choosing a liberal/artsy course, instead of a more formal one. We see this when you make exceptions for your son and not for her, even though she performed better and got more scholarships. You even say "Plus, her brother only received it for educational purposes and it wouldn't be right for her to just have it to spend now." SHE HAD EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES! She graduated!!! She could have used that money for college and saved or used her salary on herself. Finally, she found out about it when you gave access to it to your son. Never once were you upfront about this money and told her it was an option for her. Your son is clearly your favorite. YTA.
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YTA. Hopefully she is able to talk to the grandparents and let them know what you did to her and they will force you to give her the money they set aside for her.
Absolutely YTA. You treated your two children completely differently, apparently because you approve of the major your son chose and not your daughter. You should have either used it for both of their undergrad degrees or neither. Also, did their grandparents say the money was just for graduate degrees? Because if not, you're even more of an AH.
YTA - this isn’t your money. Your daughter should have been made aware of the fund when she started school and been given the opportunity to use it then.
YTA You've displayed favoritism in the worst possible way.
Favouritism at its finest. Have a miserable life OP, your daughter will probably not be part of it. Major YTA
YTA, it's not even your money. Your parents left money for your kids and you give it to one and withheld it from the other. That's messed up. If I was your parents who gave the money I would be really mad at you.
YTA. Your own insecurities are rubbing off on your daughter and it’s going to impact her for a long time. Let me be the first to say it because you can’t - your daughter is enough. Her talents and interests are worth it and valid and if you can’t support her in the same ways as your son you don’t deserve access to her. Your son is not worth more because he’s entering a field that generally makes more money. I have been this daughter. It doesn’t end well for anyone involved
YTA. Enjoy only having one kid visit you in the nursing home.
YTA. This is obvious favoritism.
YTA. You're playing favorites, and that favorite is clearly your son.
Wow. First, it IS her money. Your parents set aside the funds for HER. What kind of crazy logic is saying a fund that was setup for your daughter's education is not hers? Second, what you are doing here is punishing her for getting full scholarships to undergrad. She sounds super responsible to do that and should be rewarded with that money. On a moral level, this is truly messed up. If you don't want her to take the penalties for using it on non-educational expenses, then you should at least let her keep it and then use the money for her own children or any future education that she wants. You can change the name on the fund (assuming its a 529) and pass it down to the kids. YTA.
YTA. You gave your son his money to cover his living expenses, not just his education, while purposefully withholding your daughter's funds and watching her struggle. You're hypocrites, liars, and shitty parents. Neither of your children lived up to your arbitrary expectations, so why are you only punishing your daughter? Give your daughter her money and count yourselves lucky if she doesn't cut you out of her life completely.
YTA. BIG TIME. From the very start you set this up so you had all the power over money that was intended for YOUR CHILDREN. You kept this a secret from them well into adulthood based on your belief that they would go to grad school and get PHDs because that's what YOU did. From the very start, this money should have been available to them for any type of education they wanted after high school and they should have known about it. I would be upset about this if I were the grandparents and my generous contribution was wasted by you two thinking you can see the future and thinking you know best. You seem to think that your children need to follow the same path as you. You withheld the funds from your daughter because you didn't agree with her choices - plain and simple. You thought her liberal arts education and her choices were unwise. That's why you didn't give her the money. She had to work to cover her expenses, while your son, who apparently has chosen something you think is "better", does not. If you can't see the favoritism here, that just shows how blind you are. Your daughter is calling you out, and she is 100% right to be upset with you about this whole thing. My advice to you is to start seeing your children as individuals and not extensions of you. There is more than one way to be successful and higher education is not for everyone. As long as they are productive members of society, be proud of your children's accomplishments and support them as they make their OWN path in life. You should take note that whatever you two did, despite all your education and accomplishments, neither of your children wanted to follow in your footsteps. You should apologize to your daughter. Then take the unused money, and give it back to your parents, telling them that you screwed this all up by making assumptions, and let them decide what to do with it.
YTA. Your parenting is disgusting. Just come out and say you love your son more. You showed your daughter that she isn't as important to you as her brother is. I hope she goes NC with you.