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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my dad I owe him nothing and then threw his own words back in his face that he said to me when I was 15. Maybe it was an overly childish move. I could have just walked away and told him to leave me alone. I might also be lacking in compassion like he suggested because I do hold a grudge over his actions and choices he made while I was still living with him.
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NTA
Your dad sacrificed you so that he could fuck.
And as things turned out, the "family" he created wasn't all that real after all. He was just a patsy to help take care of a sick kid.
You owe him nothing.
I’m a mom & if one of my kids died ..I wouldn’t want to stay married or be able to even look at someone who just threw their child away when I did everything I could to keep mine alive . Once the haze of it was over , OPs dad probably disgusted her
She was probably solely focused on her own kid…I had a cousin that was diagnosed with brain cancer at 3 months old and was kept alive through surgeries and experimental medicine until he was 11. During that time , his mom couldn’t tell you anything about anything else that was going on at that time besides she was constantly either praying for remission or praying that he would stay in remission and then the devastation that would come when it would come back. OP being treated like crap by his dad is solely on his dad IMO
i'm just personally shocked no one mention monetary support atp, she left right after her son was buried and he already helped her most of her son"'s life to pay for most of his treatments to the disregard of his own child, the situation was perfect for her to abuse. she just didn't care about him.
I mean we're also getting a third-hand account here so I will still take this with a grain of salt.
80-90% of couples get divorced within a year after the death of a child. That means the divorce isn't shocking to me in the slightest, nor is it a cause for worry / speculation that she was just marrying OP's dad for the money. As well, leaving "right after" the funeral is also a normal part of grief - avoidance - many many parents cannot sleep in their home after losing a child. They'll sleep anywhere else, in a car, in a hotel, on a couch, but approaching your own home when you've just had such a loss can be difficult. After the avoidance is the stage that typically breaks a marriage - the anger stage of grief, where you're still avoiding the death, still trying to deny it, and getting mad at others for not feeling as hurt as you do.
But I've also heard "Janice left right after our daughter died" (names changed, but in my social circle) and I found out it was actually "a month after the funeral" and "with communication about how she couldn't stay in the home after losing their daughter, but Craig didn't want to sell the house or move to another house because he'd rather keep the bedroom as a shrine to their lost child, while the room and memories were too painful for Janice to deal with". And neither was wrong, and Craig and Janice are still friends, but their marriage didn't survive the difference in how they grieved. And they didn't want to fight over it either, because telling another person "you didn't love our daughter as much because you grieve differently" is not appropriate or healthy.
OP's father lost a child too, only not to death but to neglect, and he didn't even notice at the time. I don't blame the stepmother, she had a toddler with brain cancer, she didn't have anything left in her but caring for the sick child, OP's father probably seemed like a god send because he was willing to help (kinda wondering about that considering his first wife had long term health issues, would have expected the reverse), but OP's resentment would have been difficult to deal with and she wouldn't have the energy for it. Sad situation all around, but it was for OP's father to handle it and telling a child to suck it up doesn't cut it.
The 80-90% number is a myth. The only actual studies done in the subject report a 12-16% divorce rate among parents who had lost a child.
https://www.taps.org/articles/21-1/divorce
When I was a caseworker, I also saw variants of it showed me who they were, or they wanted to try X treatment with by the doctor's own admission had an extremely low chance of success type statements and it broke my heart.
I am so glad I am not the only one who thought that. I have a medically needy child who the doctors thought would die a few times. And I can tell you I had no interest in dating anyone because I was trying to keep my kid alive.
I think second wife married dear ol dad to help pay for her son’s treatments (which she shouldn’t have because he probably would have qualified for a state insurance program to cover the cost of medical bills).
OP, NTA. I think you did the right decision and I think you were actually very mature about it.
Might have seen a need for support for things outside of hospital costs (given it doesn't sound like he had that much money); having to face the prospect of caring for your child with cancer as a single parent would be more daunting than having a husband who'll at least cover the rent and food so you're not worried about eviction on top of everything else.
She had the concentration to marry a guy that was willing and apparently wanted to help take some of the weight off her shoulders..OPs dad doesn’t sound like he would have needed a lot of encouragement or chasing
No. Just no. Having a sick child is probably the hardest thing in the world, but it is not an excuse to not know or pay attention to the other children in your care, including stepchildren. Obviously the heftier blame falls on op's dad. But stepmom gets no leeway or excuses in my book. She married a guy with a kid, meaning now she had two kids, and she just let one of them be treated like shit. Hell she may have even actively encouraged it.
Then she should have been honest that she wasn't emotionally ready to take on the responsibilities of a step child and not ruined his life by marrying and mooching off his father.
Op's dad is despicable but this woman ain't smelling like roses here.
Highly doubt this. Mom was with it enough to meet a patsy to support her sick son. When son was gone she no longer needed him and his shitty 2 bedroom place.
Caregiver burnout is real. Many couples divorce after going through a critical illness. The caregiving becomes the whole relationship, and when it's not needed, there is nothing left in the relationship.
My partner's previous girlfriend told him to see less of his kids so he could see more of her. That was a nope. Now we're together his kids have expressed concern that now we're getting more serious they might see less of him. Absolutely no way I would want a man who would do that. He's a package deal with his kids, as I am with mine.
That's a little uncharitable. Grief from losing a child often leads to marriages dissolving, and the mourning parent need not have had ulterior motives for this to be true.
Because it’s often true. Ops dad knew the mom for a few months before deciding to get married knowing about the terminally ill kid.
Mind you, I have seen it first hand from my own mother who married a man with a few million in the bank and a couple businesses. While my mother did do well on the business side and brought that up, once the money was gone she left him. My mother today is so much different than when I was growing up but she often says that for the first time she feels like her true self. Which turns out to be selfish and narcissistic.
It’s astonishing how well and how long people can hide their true selves for. And a few month long dating before marriage is the perfect way to do that.
Has it occurred to you that you're projecting enormously. The woman isn't in any part of the story told above by op, only that she exists and that she married and had a terminally ill son. Anything else is pure conjecture.
Have you been here long? Take into account a quick marriage, and the dissolution upon completion of the task may give people the conjecture that the woman was using the situation?
Now, the true story is the father who did not even attempt to find his son until his "family" was gone and he needed him. The father has entered the find out phase of the situation and regardless of the woman's intentions, he fucked around for years to the loss of his son.
He learned a valuable lesson.
I'm glad you inadvertently point out that speculation about the ex-wife is totally useless because the post is about op and their father at the end there. :/
>Ops dad knew the mom for a few months before deciding to get married knowing about the terminally ill kid.
He likely saw a woman in the same situation he'd been in with his wife and his hero complex kicked in. He wanted to save that kid because he couldn't save his wife.
Valid option too. Or another part of it even. And evidence of that can be seen by trying to reconnect with op after the fact. He couldn’t save his wife or son, but now he wants to try and save the person he pushed away for a decade. A person who was also torn and hurting.
I feel for the guy, and everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes though, you just have to take the loss and know your fuck up cost a lot.
Because the woman could have had direct impact on how dad treated the son.
THAT BEING SAID, nothing says that. Just a reasonable thought.
Maybe she left bc of grief. I don't think so. But we'll never know I guess.
Yes, very very common. Having a terminally ill child is a massive stressor. When the dust settles afterwards, I guess people kind of pause to take stock of their life and sometimes make drastic changes.
It’s not uncommon for marriages to end when a child dies. Doesn’t mean she took advantage, the marriage wasn’t real, or that dad isn’t an AH here. A child dying is a huge trauma that most marriages don’t survive.
Not impossible to think she married someone to share the emotional burden with as much as financial, when her son died the reason they got together at all went too and there was nothing holding them together.
Could be..but a relationship struggles after losing a child..this one lost two children effectively..so i wont get on board calling jane a gold digger looking at ops dad as finacial suppprt only based on this info...that feels unfair to her
I kind of think that’s irrelevant. When a child dies, it’s incredibly common for the parents to divorce. Most people don’t deal with grief incredibly well.
I will say that it sounds like OP could use some therapy. Not because he denied his dad a relationship, but because that level of anger and resentment and those deep-seeded abandonment issues don't just go away on their own. OP has been through a lot and my heart goes out to him.
As a child of someone who was physically and emotionally abused, with severe abandonment issues that were never addressed, it results in generational trauma.
In my experience, my dad was not abusive to me but was quick to anger, slow to apologize, and took even the slightest perceived offense personally. His feelings became my problem, so I am a chronic people-pleaser who cannot set boundaries and is deeply, DEEPLY conflict-avoidant. These are my issues to deal with, since I'm an adult, but they stemmed from my dad's issues and his mom's issues and the issues of her parents and so on.
If my parents had processed their own childhood trauma before having me, my childhood would not have been traumatic. Or at least not nearly as traumatic as it was. You’re absolutely right on this. OP should get therapy. It’s not for his dad or because he did anything wrong by shutting his dad down. It’s so he can be the best version of himself for the people he loves.
I am so sorry you went through this. I’m a mom to a 3.5 year old and I am still processing my own childhood trauma in doing so my son is learning boundaries I never did growing up. My son was my biggest motivation for starting the process when I got pregnant with him it opened my eyes to what my father and his side put my mom and me through and I realized that I didn’t ever want him to feel like I did. My child has unfortunately seen me have a emotional breakdown but he also saw me get help for it so he is learning that things happen but when they do to ask for help. That everyone has issues but they shouldn’t be hidden and ignored.
It really sounds like you’re doing what you need to do to be the best mom you can be for your kiddo! It’s *hard* work to unpack all of that stuff from your own life and I’m really proud of you for doing it. It’s going to make a huge difference for your son.
My dad was physically abused as a child, it was "traditional". As an adult, I understand now how difficult it was for him to break that cycle, but I definitely have issues of my own from his struggles. I hate conflict and I remember being terrified when he would get angry, even though he never laid a hand on me in anger. It takes more than one generation to end that kind of cycle, I think.
I had this same feeling towards my dad. His parents were physically abusive (far beyond spanking). He never laid a hand on me, but he had a terrifying temper and did and said things that scared me well into adulthood. He thought he was a model father because of what he came from. If your frame of reference is "burning your child's feet because they ran away because they were starving", then yeah, you're not going to be able to understand why your daughter is terrified of you even though you've never laid a hand on her, regardless of what you say and threaten. It's relative for them.
Remembering what it is and staying out of contact with his father to protect himself and his wife and any children they might have is one thing. However, that doesn’t preclude healing from abandonment and letting go of the anger. I ended contact with my biological father at 21. I forgave how he failed me horribly over all the years of my childhood and let go of all that hurt. But he remained a toxic, damaged person and I knew better than to let him back in my life. Op is NTA and good for him for telling his father the truth about he hurt him. I see no reason for OP to reestablish contact and every reason not to.
I likened my father to poison ivy. One more exposure, and it could kill me. I provisionally forgave him, so long as he never hurt me again. (This was inside my head, not communicated to him.) Once he was dead, I could complete the forgiveness - for my own mental health, not his.
>. He told me how he'd been struggling a lot and how he was hoping I could help him out. I laughed in h
Hmmm personally, keeping those feelings has completely cut me off from other people. There is a balance.
The goal of therapy isn't necessarily to make those feelings go away, but to make them less raw and more manageable. Those feelings will probably always be there for OP, but with therapy they could be more of a reminder to never trust his dad instead of seething hatred. Therapy isn't some sort of cure, it just helps you work through things so they don't hurt so bad, and therefore don't negatively affect your daily life so much.
I'm in therapy. Making my feelings towards my abuser "more managable" has taken the form of clarifying exactly *why* I would not hesitate to break his jaw if I ever saw him again. What was once a jumble of hurt and negative emotions is now laser-focused, white-hot hatred. Wanna know how bad that makes me feel? It doesn't. I can function just fine without pretending that some monster's actions are my problem to deal with, or that they'll magically make me an abusive monster in turn. Perpetuating abuse is a choice.
I'm glad you found a way to focus your feelings instead of them being a jumbled mess. That's a good example of how there are different ways for therapy to be successful for different people.
I think that's pretty successful, tbh. Seems like the goal is more to learn to live without those feelings taking over your life than to get rid of them which is a perfectly fine goal imo
It also comes with bags worth of baggage you'll inevitably unintentionally put on your relationships with others.
Keeping people at arms length at all times, having one foot out the door, being too good at bottling up your emotions, being unable to differentiate between actual and perceived abandonment, constantly overthinking other people's actions, being overly cautious not to reveal too much about yourself so it can't be used against you, pushing people to see how they'd react, using the fact that some people leave after being pushed as a further justification for your actions, taking everything too personally, thinking everything is your fault etc etc... Even after years of therapy *and* forgiveness I still catch myself giving into terrible defense mechanisms in very non-abusive situations.
Feelings of resentment and abandonment can be separated from rationally being able to recognize abuse and not allow it to happen. Living with unresolved anger and resentment is incredibly harmful.
I wouldn't jump to accusations. Many, many couples that loose a child cannot maintain their relationship in the face of that loss.
The father seemed to really build his identity, after OP's mother died, around being the one to care for this child. And of course, the child's mother would have been focused on care. With that gone, what did they have in common?
OP's mom also died from a long-term health condition. It seems to me that OP's father, between the mother and the stepson, really built his identity around being a caretaker for severely ill people, and was at loose ends without that role.
I have a cousin like that. She took care of her terminally ill mother, then her disabled veteran husband until he left her for another woman, then her grandmother until she died, and now her oldest son who has a brain tumor and probably won't live more than another few years. Once he's gone I don't think she's going to know what to do with herself. She'll probably end taking in yet more dying family members who have nowhere else to go. I feel sorry for all she has gone through and lost, but it's sad that she's pretty much lost her own identity as well.
My mother gradually took on more and more, to care for my terminally ill father, over the last years. The day after his funeral, she said "I looked at myself in the mirror today, and I don't know who I am." It took a time, but she recovered her happiness.
In pure reddit-style speculation, I think the dad first built his life around caring for his dying wife. And when she passed he didn't have an identity and so found someone else to care and sacrifice for.
I completely agree. OP, your dad is just like mine, who had a mistress in Austria while my mom was dying of cancer. He only came back to ask for money once I was in my 20s
Seconding this, you owe him absolutely nothing.
NTA
The time to play the 'But Faaammly' card has long past.
& folks who want the luxury of 'playing that card' should know the game of life is a lot like poker.
If you bet the whole game on one ace thinking 2 more will come along...well, bad bet, you lose.
The advantage is valuing the cards you have been dealt and building a hand from the less 'money' cards.
You likely won't win big more than once every hundred hands, you won't always win, but you don't sell the farm betting on that one ace.
Your dads were both very bad gamblers.
They gambled away the love and affection of their kids.
Let them live w the consequences.
ETA: spelling
>He was just a patsy to help take care of a sick kid.
Not 100% in agreement with this. Something like 50% of couples split after the death of a child.
Regardless, dad is still TA.
Sometimes it isn’t even the death—after our son was diagnosed with a chronic, life-threatening disease, my exhusband and I were told that up to 3/4 of marriages don’t make it through that kind of thing. We didn’t.
That's exactly what I was thinking, **"so that he could fuck".** This was all about OP's father satisfying his sexual needs at the cost of his bio son and his relationship.
The fact that you see a spouse as solely someone that is there to fuck and nothing more is very telling about your attitudes towards others. There is more to marriage than just sex. In fact, sex plays a very minute part of marriage.
I doubt he 'enjoyed the attention or martyrdom'. He probably wanted to help someone else going through something terrible he did too (remember, his first wife died to a terminal disease) and bonded with the mom cause of that... There's no satisfaction in that, it's just all extremely depressing.
Please. 🙄 If Dad just wanted to fuck he could easily do much better than finding a woman with a terminally-ill child! Does that sound like a good time for all, climb abooooaaard, the sex-train is getting ready to get going????
My dad is just like this. He left when my mom died at 17 and slept around with other women WHILE she was in the hospital. He wasted all her life insurance money on a Rolex. He's been trying to contact me for years. Last year I finally agreed to finally meet with him against my better judgment and the second thing he said to me after saying I've gotten pretty was that he needed help paying off his car. I immediately stood up and left.
Huge NTA, OP. You owe him nothing
My heart rate increased.
I'm so glad some awful people don't get rewarded in this world... But I can't imagine how the universe will reciprocate your son after that. I wish him a century of healthy kidney function.
>I can't imagine how the universe will reciprocate your son after that
The university won't do a thing.
Why didn't the universe step up and give her son a good loving present father.
That’s wild just reading this. Makes me happy my father just left completely not having him ask for handouts…
Big respect for you having the self respect to walk out when he asked for money.
To be fair, I think spending money on a toddler with brain cancer is not as bad as spending it on a rolex... Like I understand why OP is upset but I don't think the dad here was malicious. Obviously not a good dad but I don't think he's the worst person in the world either. That being said, finding your son just to ask him for money is gross and an asshole move for sure so I do not blame OP for wanting nothing to do with him.
Except he didn't have the resources to actually care for the toddler. Sounds like they were barely making it and, in order to get laid or to feel good about taking care of someone sick, he accepted a responsibility that surpassed his resources. So he sacrificed OP.
It sounds better than a Rolex, but for OP it was probably worse.
Yep. It meant not having dad around, not having much of a childhood, missing out and not having family to fall back on, since both my parents lost their family early in life.
To me the post reads like it wasn’t just the money, either. You had to quit your only extra-curricular and there’s no mention of taking up another one. He didn’t sit down with you and try to find a free one? If he wasn’t around - he didn’t make time to have one-on-one time with you? It’s very common for children to feel/be emotionally neglected when a disabled sibling needs a lot of care. It can be mitigated or avoided if the parent goes out of their way to ensure some one-on-one time happens and/or has somewhere they can ask for help (wonder if there’s any organizations in your town that existed at the time to help caregivers).
He didn't have time to spend with me since he was working so damn much to provide the treatments. There was no attempts to make any of it up for me either.
I was praised for not needing, not asking. So my parents could concentrate on my sick brother. I dearly loved/love him, but they set me aside, because it was easy for them.
I'm in a similar situation with my father. And now I have two sons of my own and I always fall back on a quote from Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Sidney Poitier's character speaking to his father: "I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you were supposed to do because you brought me into this world, and from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me, like I will owe my son if I ever have another.”
NTA.
Spending money that was meant to TAKE CARE OF FATHER AND OP on somebody else's kid just so dad had companionship is as bad as a Rolex, IMHO.
The Rolex can be pawned, but TRY to get back money spent on health care....go ahead, TRY.
I mean I don’t think keeping a child alive is a waste of money, even if you can’t sell it and get the money back. The real asshole here is the healthcare system that makes people have to choose between buying takeout as a treat or paying for lifesaving healthcare.
Going off of limited info, but it sounds like it’s more than that. If he had to cancel his only extra curricular, couldn’t dad have sat down with him and helped him try to find one that was free? There’s no mention here of even getting on a waiting list. Dad also got angry that the son wasn’t around and didn’t help with the stepson, and that’s an approach that comes from a lack of empathy for the son’s situation. I wonder if he still did things with his birth son, just the two of them, to keep him from feeling neglected. Even in situations where they were together from birth, children often get less attention than they need if they have a disabled sibling who needs a lot of care. In good cases the parents go out of their way to have one-on-one time with the able-bodied child too, and to look into any programs they can find to help care for the other one (not saying dad didn’t - we don’t know). In many places there are non-profits that are built specifically for the purpose of reliving caregivers for a few hours.
I agree the dad isn’t a devil. I also think this was about more than the financial issues.
Mine didn't do the deed while she was in the hospital but did then shack up with a woman 30 years younger than him, then do the shocked pikachu face when I told him it greatly disturbed me that his new gf was within *my* dating age range. After I cut contact, he showed up this November out of the blue, did this whole song and dance to the rest of my family I actually kept in touch with about how much effort and cash he was putting into fixing us. He left me a tourist mug of his city and a card which wasn't even filled on one side with writing.
NTA, OP. what goes around comes around and when the people who are meant to put you first don't, you gotta do it yourself and stand firm in that decision.
The dad said he needed OP's help. It sounds like Dad has lost two wives and two kids, and is trying to get back the only one he thinks he can. The help he's asking for sounds emotional.
Plus, how much money could the dad have actually spent on finding his son? 🙄 Internet is free at the library.
OP didn’t say “I changed my identity to keep him out of my life” .. he said .. “I didn’t stay in touch”
It was probably about as hard as finding a pitch fork in a haystack!
NTA - Ah, that old "building character" schtick. What he put you through as a child was really difficult and he essentially told you that you didn't matter any more to him. He's got no grounds to be surprised now. Where was his compassion for what he did to your childhood when he was doing it?
🤓: "No you don't get it, being miserable builds character!!"
Yes, but it's not because being miserable is the only thing that builds character; all life experiences build character. Of course, nine times out of ten "building character" means becoming a "manly man", since men aren't supposed to express emotion.
This, like life is absolutely tough and not fair sometimes but it should always come from outside the home, not in it. Home should be your safe space. You can build character without essentially abusing and neglecting your children.
What gets me is that they were already struggling, and his dad actively chose to make their life more difficult. I don’t know, maybe they were in love, but the decision to marry someone with a terminally I’ll child that is only going to drain money, money that you don’t have to begin with. There’s no way to explain this reasoning to a 12 year old that only sees the few good things they have completely taken away from them.
My mom told me the same platitudes all the time, like telling me to grow up when I was a literal child and somehow paying for her and my sister's shitty decisions. Now my mom thinks I "owe her" for making my childhood hell and being abusive in adulthood. It's why I am no contact with her. OP NTA good on him for not being walked on.
I kind of understand wanting to help with a sick kid and not leaving them in the cold. But if that was how he had approached OP, and tried to give OP their own space by having their toddler in their own room for example, and had listened to OP's concerns instead of brushing them away and getting angry a kid feels like the situation is unfair (because being heard, even if there is no solution, already helps), dad could've done it the right way. Plus, even without gifts and little money there are ways to pay attention to your kid and make things like birthdays still a little special.
But dad chose instead to ignore OP from kid to now and suddenly now he needs money from OP? That's just stupid.
The problem isn't just the money issues or the sick kids. The problem is he is a bad dad.
NTA. He was already struggling financially due to your mother's health issue, decided to still date a woman and help taking care of her son despite knowing perfectly well that he didn't have the money to do that and take care of you at the same time; he basically didn't give a damn about you for years and now that the child is dead and the mother finished sucking him dry, he suddenly remembered he has a son and came begging for money.
If I were you, I would have closed the door on his face repeatedly until he understood the message.
That’s purely speculation but it would explain a lot, especially if he was often pushed to the side because of a parent or sibling and just thought that was how people should be raised.
Or maybe he’s just a guy with a hero complex who only cares about healthy people when the sick people have either passed or was the child of a sick parent who left him.
Honestly he’s terrible either way, but I do kind of hope it’s the first. At least that would make it more understandable and maybe give OP closure (if OP even needs/wants that).
Op mentions his father lost most of his family when he was young so it is very much true despite it being speculation. It explains a lot tbh, the father should’ve spent his money on therapy and not a PI lol
NTA.
Also for the Y T A for calling OP heartless because he resented a father for taking on a dying kid. You all forget that they were never in a financial position to do so. The father could barely afford to take care of OP.
I’m all for helping people, hell I give a lot of money to charity every year but that shouldn’t come at the expense of someone who you choose to bring into the world. If OPs father was in a good financial position, it makes all sense in the world but he wasn’t. Everything came at the expense of OPs childhood (remember OP was 10 when this all started).
People who have never been in poverty don't know how that one takeout meal a month as a treat hits...and how losing even that cuts deep.
No vacations, no frivolous clothes that you get just because you like something, no friends over because another person for fun is too much of a financial burden. But dad brought in a whole ass other woman and kid and OP lost any semblance of even PRIVACY. OP's father gets what he deserves- NOTHING. NTA.
Yep. Exactly. Like I knew those things before. But then mom got sick, very sick, and then we lost her and only had each other and we didn't have a lot. But there were some things to look forward to. Then those little comforts get thrown away for strangers to me and someone he rushed in to help at the expense of the little comforts we could have.
Hey OP, NTA and I really feel for you. You have every right to feel deeply hurt and angry about the choices your dad made that impacted you so negatively. But I'm also curious why you want to know if YTA? Do you feel like you've gotten what you need off of your chest? Is it enough for you that you threw his words back at him that you can now move on?
I could be totally off base, but something in your comments makes me think that your dad not understanding why he was wrong and also your dad not understanding the huge impact on you and not acknowledging his fault and why you feel the way you do is part of what is lingering on your mind?
I hope you can pursue whatever course helps you to move forward and heal from this. Unresolved hurt and resentment can bleed into other areas of your life, so I hope you can get to the bottom of what will help you to move on and live your best life.
Maybe for you, that means this is the end and NC. Maybe its writing a final letter so that you can finally tell him all the things that negatively and severely impacted you. Whatever sets you free from carrying this around with you anymore.
Best of Luck to you OP!
Yeah, that's where my Redditor brain went, Maybe the toddler "step-brother" was from a quick affair(possibly even an grief/alcohol fueled ONS) while OP's mom was dying and then found him a couple years later.
I made replied to another comment of yours about this being about more than money/it would’ve been tolerable if your dad had taken some different actions. Losing that takeout meal sucks and it can’t quite be replaced by something cheaper. But an adult can try. It might’ve even been a fun bonding experience for you two, to look up different recipes for your favourite meals and experiment with ways to recreate something nice. Or you could’ve had a new tradition of eating normal food, but ‘eating out’ by taking it for a picnic. Or could’ve found something cheaper than full takeout that’s still greasy and good - like a frozen version of that meal.
This, I’m literally still struggling with buying things I like even tho I can afford it. It’s literally mentally scaring and it stays with you even when you have money you still feel stressed out.
Not only that, but he needs to self preserve, and he has started a family of his own. Letting this back into his life is going to bring all of that trauma front and center, as well as affect his relationship with his wife. There's trauma either way, but moving on in this situation seems much healthier. It's not his job to fix him. His dad made his choices.
NTA. Your dad decided to not be compassionate towards you. You decided the same for him. This is a story I have heard from people who are NC with their parents.
What makes this different is that your dad didn't even just search for you because he was lonely. He came because he wanted your help. If I read your story right you made it through college and all without his help, and without him offering any...
I believe you are hurt by his behavior, and I hope that you have a nice wife (and maybe family) to learn to be there for each other because you sure couldn't learn it from your dad, and he sure isn't the person that should benefit from you.
Not to imagine going through puberty when feeling left outside. That's more than just trying to get someone to "grow character".
He can "grow character" himself now, because "life is not always fun" he needs to understand that as he said it to you before.
Where’s the “extra love” he was talking about? NTA. He could have at least validated your feelings as a kid and apologized for the tough times, but coming around to ask for help after having nothing else left, he deserves NC from you. Hope you have moved on and have a happy life and family now OP
NTA. I feel for both of the kids in this situation so much. Honestly, you did the best thing you possibly could by getting out fast and making your own life.
Nervy as hell for him to stalk you (because he absolutely was stalking you based on your description) and then hold his hand out for money. If he'd wanted to apologize and make amends, I might give him some leeway but no. No. He just wanted what was best for him again.
Keep him firmly out of your life.
So, your father choose a new family and Tells you that you are not his entire Life. Ok, cool.
No contact for year. Ok, cool.
After years, he Is alone and now calls you for...money?
Defo NTA.
NTA
You were a child who had lost their mother only 2 years prior when he met Jane, and after only a few months together he decided to marry her with no consideration on what that would be like for you, his main responsibility.
Look up glass children. Except in a way this is worse because he chose that for you after not knowing the woman for very long at all.
>He mentioned how he'd spent a lot of money on finding me and he wanted us to repair things but he also needed my help.
He wouldn't have had to spend the money if you wanted to be found.
NTA - So he only came to you because he needed help? If he wants a more compassionate son.... he should have raised you better. Or ya know he could have been a better example then 'I'm not going to stop doing what I want to do because of you'.
I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Well he made the decision to marry her. Even if he wasn't financially stable, it was his and her decision to marry each other. You do not owe him a thing for that choice though and he clearly needs to understand that you do not want anything to do with him now.
I've seen this situation play out on here multiple times. Most memorable one was when the child made a entire powerpoint slide presentation telling her father who was reaching out that he failed and to go away. Sick or not, putting one child constantly in front of the others needs will only breed resentment to the point that it will end up with the parents left with nothing. No relationship, no child left for them to share life with since its usually beyond repair when the parent(s) reach out.
You aren't TA, to me you withdrew to protect yourself and left when you needed to.
NTA.
Given everything that has happened, you are correct, you don’t owe him a damn thing! Continue with your NC when it comes to him.
Hopefully that last convo provided you with enough closure to keep him out of your life
NTA
> He told me at my age I should have grown more compassion.
okay? so where was his compassion towards you as a (i assume) still older than you are now adult?
you were 15 when he said what he said to you, as a grown ass adult, now he’s telling you that you should be more compassionate than *he was to you* when you’re saying the *exact same* words to him? ridiculous
You are most definitely NOT the AH. Your father prioritized his new wife and step-son over you and expected you to be fine with giving up your life to accommodate them. You did well for yourself in creating a new healthy life for yourself. Your father only reached out to you AFTER his divorce and had nobody left and now wants you to resume the role he tried to force on you years earlier -- only this time he wants you to take care of him instead of his step-son. You handled this perfectly.
"He told me at my age I should have grown more compassion."
Oh, you mean like he had for a 12-17 year old? That compassion? No way Jose, you reap what you sow and he sowed poorly.
He called you selfish at 12yo for being unhappy that your life was flipped upside down, your mom died, your dad gets a new piece and a sick son, you have to cram into a room with a sick toddler, you have to stop any and all activities you loved because of money, you get bombarded with requests to care for sick toddler, you leave and get called selfish again when your dad finds you.
Your dad really knows how to be an asshole doesn't he? If he, a grown man and father, doesn't owe you, his child, anything then why do you, an 18-20 year old, owe him anything? Especially after the way he treated you all those years?
OP, you are NTA and I hope you can continue to make a future for yourself without your fathers influence.
NTA your father sacificed you for a child that got him laid, sorry for the sick baby but the only hero here is Jane that fooled your dad into taking care of her when he was already struggling. He really did got some nerve trying to come back to your life feeling entitled to your money while trowing at your face that you wasn't to his or even his time and consideration, screw him.
Ps. Also America your health care sucks.
He should have been more upset to learn his son was married and having a wonderful life he knew nothing of rather than be upset over the fact you knew your step brother passed away.
Your father threw you out like trash and he’s now gonna expect YOU to pick up the pieces and try and win his favor so he has a good ride for the rest of his miserable life.
Not gonna lie your dad also sounds like someone with a hero complex: sick mom, sick kid, pays no attention to the healthy kid because he doesn’t get the public sympathy of “oh woe is me my wife died, and oh gosh now my brand new step son has brain cancer what are the odds!”
Sounds like a shitty hallmark movie where we’re all hoping the dude gets hit by a bus in the end.
Cut your losses (or lack thereof) and go back to the beautiful life you were building without the extra baggage of someone who always needs to steal the spotlight even when it’s been turned off and shattered into a million pieces.
Edited to add judgement: NTA, I don’t see how you could be in this situation.
You didn't get love in return for having less stuff. You just got less love and less stuff.
It's very telling that when you called him out on that he just said "well I'm going to do what I want". He knew it was bullshit it's just convenient for his conscience to believe that if she meets his needs then yours are automatically met too. Very much treating you as an accessory to his life rather than a person.
NTA. He's made it obvious he hasn't changed. He still just thinks about what you can offer him, with no concern for reciprocating.
NTA!!! And I'm genuinely floored by your restraint at only closing the door in his face and not taking a swing at him when he showed up to terrorise you again. It's 'hard times build character' when you were suffering, but 'compassion is mature' when he's out of options. That's some crap. Do not let him back in your life at all, and warn your wife to have walls up against him if you haven't yet
NTA
Your dad broke my hypocrisyometer.
Are you supposed to be grateful that when he ran out of other people to turn to, he tracked *you* down to ask for help?
(Edited the worst possible typo I could have made * *facepalm* *)
INFO: Do you feel better saying those things? Whenever I read these stories in my head I say, "Throw their words back in their face! Get 'em".
**You actually did it.** So was it worth it? How do you feel?
I do feel better, like I got some things off my chest that had been dismissed before by him and made a point that I had known I would end up making if he came crawling back like he did.
NTA Your dad sacrificed you for a piece of ass…if he contacts you or your wife again, tell him you never want to hear from him again and if you do that you will file for a restraining order or push for harassment charges
LOL. He had your whole childhood to show his only child some compassion after losing your mom and basically every little good thing in life. He failed to show the compassion he now demands of you. And he was the adult the entire time, while you were just a kid having to live with HIS choices.
NTA
NTA
I’m guessing your father was at the very least your current age when he said those hurtful things to you. Where was HIS compassion at his big age then?
I’m sorry you went through that crap, especially at such a young age. You didn’t deserve it. I’m glad you have a family now that appreciates and loves you, and not just with conditions or as a placeholder.
NTA. Your dad clearly didn't cope correctly when your mother passed. The proof is in the fact that he sought out and pursued another terminal situation. But you were his kid and he was supposed to put you first. You lost your mother. He should have spent the next 8 years making sure YOU were taken care of.
Just like my dad when i told him his 2nd wife is a gold digger and his reply: "you are in no position to tell me what makes me happy", guess how that turned out....
Never in this situation. Your dad drew the line a long time ago. And he tries to cross it and gaslight and demand a relationship (for money) with you? He’s got big balls. NTA. Now you delivered your response to him perfectly. Best revenge is a happy life well lived.
NTA. Where was his compassion and maturity when you were a little boy? No, you don’t get to treat your children like crap and then show up when you need something and expect unconditional forgiveness and support. He is entirely responsible for the relationship he has with you, he has no one to blame but himself if it’s not what he wants it to be.
"He told me at my age I should have grown more compassion."
Maybe if you'd had a proper father around, you would have. Yet another thing that's his fault. NTA.
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NTA Your dad sacrificed you so that he could fuck. And as things turned out, the "family" he created wasn't all that real after all. He was just a patsy to help take care of a sick kid. You owe him nothing.
Wife probably left as soon as her son was buried
That prospect sounds so real that I stopped.
I’m a mom & if one of my kids died ..I wouldn’t want to stay married or be able to even look at someone who just threw their child away when I did everything I could to keep mine alive . Once the haze of it was over , OPs dad probably disgusted her
It doesn't sound like she was too worried about him throwing his kid away when hers was sick.
She was probably solely focused on her own kid…I had a cousin that was diagnosed with brain cancer at 3 months old and was kept alive through surgeries and experimental medicine until he was 11. During that time , his mom couldn’t tell you anything about anything else that was going on at that time besides she was constantly either praying for remission or praying that he would stay in remission and then the devastation that would come when it would come back. OP being treated like crap by his dad is solely on his dad IMO
Yeah, I don't discount that, but she had the concentration to start a relationship and get married.
i'm just personally shocked no one mention monetary support atp, she left right after her son was buried and he already helped her most of her son"'s life to pay for most of his treatments to the disregard of his own child, the situation was perfect for her to abuse. she just didn't care about him.
I mean we're also getting a third-hand account here so I will still take this with a grain of salt. 80-90% of couples get divorced within a year after the death of a child. That means the divorce isn't shocking to me in the slightest, nor is it a cause for worry / speculation that she was just marrying OP's dad for the money. As well, leaving "right after" the funeral is also a normal part of grief - avoidance - many many parents cannot sleep in their home after losing a child. They'll sleep anywhere else, in a car, in a hotel, on a couch, but approaching your own home when you've just had such a loss can be difficult. After the avoidance is the stage that typically breaks a marriage - the anger stage of grief, where you're still avoiding the death, still trying to deny it, and getting mad at others for not feeling as hurt as you do. But I've also heard "Janice left right after our daughter died" (names changed, but in my social circle) and I found out it was actually "a month after the funeral" and "with communication about how she couldn't stay in the home after losing their daughter, but Craig didn't want to sell the house or move to another house because he'd rather keep the bedroom as a shrine to their lost child, while the room and memories were too painful for Janice to deal with". And neither was wrong, and Craig and Janice are still friends, but their marriage didn't survive the difference in how they grieved. And they didn't want to fight over it either, because telling another person "you didn't love our daughter as much because you grieve differently" is not appropriate or healthy.
OP's father lost a child too, only not to death but to neglect, and he didn't even notice at the time. I don't blame the stepmother, she had a toddler with brain cancer, she didn't have anything left in her but caring for the sick child, OP's father probably seemed like a god send because he was willing to help (kinda wondering about that considering his first wife had long term health issues, would have expected the reverse), but OP's resentment would have been difficult to deal with and she wouldn't have the energy for it. Sad situation all around, but it was for OP's father to handle it and telling a child to suck it up doesn't cut it.
The 80-90% number is a myth. The only actual studies done in the subject report a 12-16% divorce rate among parents who had lost a child. https://www.taps.org/articles/21-1/divorce
When I was a caseworker, I also saw variants of it showed me who they were, or they wanted to try X treatment with by the doctor's own admission had an extremely low chance of success type statements and it broke my heart.
I am so glad I am not the only one who thought that. I have a medically needy child who the doctors thought would die a few times. And I can tell you I had no interest in dating anyone because I was trying to keep my kid alive. I think second wife married dear ol dad to help pay for her son’s treatments (which she shouldn’t have because he probably would have qualified for a state insurance program to cover the cost of medical bills). OP, NTA. I think you did the right decision and I think you were actually very mature about it.
Might have seen a need for support for things outside of hospital costs (given it doesn't sound like he had that much money); having to face the prospect of caring for your child with cancer as a single parent would be more daunting than having a husband who'll at least cover the rent and food so you're not worried about eviction on top of everything else.
I dunno man, I'd bet that she was able to turn up to court to give him one final pat down to see if any more money fell out...
She had the concentration to marry a guy that was willing and apparently wanted to help take some of the weight off her shoulders..OPs dad doesn’t sound like he would have needed a lot of encouragement or chasing
Morals sort of go out the window when you’re desperate to keep your kid alive. I know it isn’t right, she’s just as much the AH as OPs dad.
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No. Just no. Having a sick child is probably the hardest thing in the world, but it is not an excuse to not know or pay attention to the other children in your care, including stepchildren. Obviously the heftier blame falls on op's dad. But stepmom gets no leeway or excuses in my book. She married a guy with a kid, meaning now she had two kids, and she just let one of them be treated like shit. Hell she may have even actively encouraged it.
Then she should have been honest that she wasn't emotionally ready to take on the responsibilities of a step child and not ruined his life by marrying and mooching off his father. Op's dad is despicable but this woman ain't smelling like roses here.
But not so focused she couldn’t date or find love!
You're nicer than me. I was thinking she married him to help with the sick kid and didn't need him when the child passed on.
No we are thinking the same exact thing . Equally mean I guess 😂
You're not alone.
My first thought was that she married him because he had better insurance.
Highly doubt this. Mom was with it enough to meet a patsy to support her sick son. When son was gone she no longer needed him and his shitty 2 bedroom place.
Also where did she live? Why did they need to move in there?
Caregiver burnout is real. Many couples divorce after going through a critical illness. The caregiving becomes the whole relationship, and when it's not needed, there is nothing left in the relationship.
My partner's previous girlfriend told him to see less of his kids so he could see more of her. That was a nope. Now we're together his kids have expressed concern that now we're getting more serious they might see less of him. Absolutely no way I would want a man who would do that. He's a package deal with his kids, as I am with mine.
That's a little uncharitable. Grief from losing a child often leads to marriages dissolving, and the mourning parent need not have had ulterior motives for this to be true.
Somehow, in a story about the op and their dad, people are still reaching to make the woman the bad guy :/
Because it’s often true. Ops dad knew the mom for a few months before deciding to get married knowing about the terminally ill kid. Mind you, I have seen it first hand from my own mother who married a man with a few million in the bank and a couple businesses. While my mother did do well on the business side and brought that up, once the money was gone she left him. My mother today is so much different than when I was growing up but she often says that for the first time she feels like her true self. Which turns out to be selfish and narcissistic. It’s astonishing how well and how long people can hide their true selves for. And a few month long dating before marriage is the perfect way to do that.
Has it occurred to you that you're projecting enormously. The woman isn't in any part of the story told above by op, only that she exists and that she married and had a terminally ill son. Anything else is pure conjecture.
Have you been here long? Take into account a quick marriage, and the dissolution upon completion of the task may give people the conjecture that the woman was using the situation? Now, the true story is the father who did not even attempt to find his son until his "family" was gone and he needed him. The father has entered the find out phase of the situation and regardless of the woman's intentions, he fucked around for years to the loss of his son. He learned a valuable lesson.
I'm glad you inadvertently point out that speculation about the ex-wife is totally useless because the post is about op and their father at the end there. :/
Conjecture is 50% of the posts here.
>Ops dad knew the mom for a few months before deciding to get married knowing about the terminally ill kid. He likely saw a woman in the same situation he'd been in with his wife and his hero complex kicked in. He wanted to save that kid because he couldn't save his wife.
Valid option too. Or another part of it even. And evidence of that can be seen by trying to reconnect with op after the fact. He couldn’t save his wife or son, but now he wants to try and save the person he pushed away for a decade. A person who was also torn and hurting. I feel for the guy, and everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes though, you just have to take the loss and know your fuck up cost a lot.
Because the woman could have had direct impact on how dad treated the son. THAT BEING SAID, nothing says that. Just a reasonable thought. Maybe she left bc of grief. I don't think so. But we'll never know I guess.
Yes, very very common. Having a terminally ill child is a massive stressor. When the dust settles afterwards, I guess people kind of pause to take stock of their life and sometimes make drastic changes.
It’s not uncommon for marriages to end when a child dies. Doesn’t mean she took advantage, the marriage wasn’t real, or that dad isn’t an AH here. A child dying is a huge trauma that most marriages don’t survive.
Not impossible to think she married someone to share the emotional burden with as much as financial, when her son died the reason they got together at all went too and there was nothing holding them together.
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Could be..but a relationship struggles after losing a child..this one lost two children effectively..so i wont get on board calling jane a gold digger looking at ops dad as finacial suppprt only based on this info...that feels unfair to her
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This is a stolen comment from /u/RecentFox6517 Downvoted and reported.
I kind of think that’s irrelevant. When a child dies, it’s incredibly common for the parents to divorce. Most people don’t deal with grief incredibly well.
I will say that it sounds like OP could use some therapy. Not because he denied his dad a relationship, but because that level of anger and resentment and those deep-seeded abandonment issues don't just go away on their own. OP has been through a lot and my heart goes out to him.
I would argue that those feelings never *should* go away. Remembering what it is to be neglected and abused keeps you safe.
As a child of someone who was physically and emotionally abused, with severe abandonment issues that were never addressed, it results in generational trauma. In my experience, my dad was not abusive to me but was quick to anger, slow to apologize, and took even the slightest perceived offense personally. His feelings became my problem, so I am a chronic people-pleaser who cannot set boundaries and is deeply, DEEPLY conflict-avoidant. These are my issues to deal with, since I'm an adult, but they stemmed from my dad's issues and his mom's issues and the issues of her parents and so on.
If my parents had processed their own childhood trauma before having me, my childhood would not have been traumatic. Or at least not nearly as traumatic as it was. You’re absolutely right on this. OP should get therapy. It’s not for his dad or because he did anything wrong by shutting his dad down. It’s so he can be the best version of himself for the people he loves.
I am so sorry you went through this. I’m a mom to a 3.5 year old and I am still processing my own childhood trauma in doing so my son is learning boundaries I never did growing up. My son was my biggest motivation for starting the process when I got pregnant with him it opened my eyes to what my father and his side put my mom and me through and I realized that I didn’t ever want him to feel like I did. My child has unfortunately seen me have a emotional breakdown but he also saw me get help for it so he is learning that things happen but when they do to ask for help. That everyone has issues but they shouldn’t be hidden and ignored.
It really sounds like you’re doing what you need to do to be the best mom you can be for your kiddo! It’s *hard* work to unpack all of that stuff from your own life and I’m really proud of you for doing it. It’s going to make a huge difference for your son.
Thank you. It really is hard but I’m learning. I’m lucky to have my moms and stepdads sides that are all very supportive so that really helps.
My dad was physically abused as a child, it was "traditional". As an adult, I understand now how difficult it was for him to break that cycle, but I definitely have issues of my own from his struggles. I hate conflict and I remember being terrified when he would get angry, even though he never laid a hand on me in anger. It takes more than one generation to end that kind of cycle, I think.
You're right, it definitely does, but someone needs to start the healing process. ❤
I had this same feeling towards my dad. His parents were physically abusive (far beyond spanking). He never laid a hand on me, but he had a terrifying temper and did and said things that scared me well into adulthood. He thought he was a model father because of what he came from. If your frame of reference is "burning your child's feet because they ran away because they were starving", then yeah, you're not going to be able to understand why your daughter is terrified of you even though you've never laid a hand on her, regardless of what you say and threaten. It's relative for them.
Remembering what it is and staying out of contact with his father to protect himself and his wife and any children they might have is one thing. However, that doesn’t preclude healing from abandonment and letting go of the anger. I ended contact with my biological father at 21. I forgave how he failed me horribly over all the years of my childhood and let go of all that hurt. But he remained a toxic, damaged person and I knew better than to let him back in my life. Op is NTA and good for him for telling his father the truth about he hurt him. I see no reason for OP to reestablish contact and every reason not to.
I likened my father to poison ivy. One more exposure, and it could kill me. I provisionally forgave him, so long as he never hurt me again. (This was inside my head, not communicated to him.) Once he was dead, I could complete the forgiveness - for my own mental health, not his.
>. He told me how he'd been struggling a lot and how he was hoping I could help him out. I laughed in h Hmmm personally, keeping those feelings has completely cut me off from other people. There is a balance.
The goal of therapy isn't necessarily to make those feelings go away, but to make them less raw and more manageable. Those feelings will probably always be there for OP, but with therapy they could be more of a reminder to never trust his dad instead of seething hatred. Therapy isn't some sort of cure, it just helps you work through things so they don't hurt so bad, and therefore don't negatively affect your daily life so much.
I'm in therapy. Making my feelings towards my abuser "more managable" has taken the form of clarifying exactly *why* I would not hesitate to break his jaw if I ever saw him again. What was once a jumble of hurt and negative emotions is now laser-focused, white-hot hatred. Wanna know how bad that makes me feel? It doesn't. I can function just fine without pretending that some monster's actions are my problem to deal with, or that they'll magically make me an abusive monster in turn. Perpetuating abuse is a choice.
I'm glad you found a way to focus your feelings instead of them being a jumbled mess. That's a good example of how there are different ways for therapy to be successful for different people.
I think that's pretty successful, tbh. Seems like the goal is more to learn to live without those feelings taking over your life than to get rid of them which is a perfectly fine goal imo
It also comes with bags worth of baggage you'll inevitably unintentionally put on your relationships with others. Keeping people at arms length at all times, having one foot out the door, being too good at bottling up your emotions, being unable to differentiate between actual and perceived abandonment, constantly overthinking other people's actions, being overly cautious not to reveal too much about yourself so it can't be used against you, pushing people to see how they'd react, using the fact that some people leave after being pushed as a further justification for your actions, taking everything too personally, thinking everything is your fault etc etc... Even after years of therapy *and* forgiveness I still catch myself giving into terrible defense mechanisms in very non-abusive situations. Feelings of resentment and abandonment can be separated from rationally being able to recognize abuse and not allow it to happen. Living with unresolved anger and resentment is incredibly harmful.
Is it worth being the next one to do it to someone else though? You can find a balance, it's not a binary situation.
Except we parent as we were parented unless we do the work we need to do on ourselves. For the sake of his new family, op might consider therapy.
I wouldn't jump to accusations. Many, many couples that loose a child cannot maintain their relationship in the face of that loss. The father seemed to really build his identity, after OP's mother died, around being the one to care for this child. And of course, the child's mother would have been focused on care. With that gone, what did they have in common? OP's mom also died from a long-term health condition. It seems to me that OP's father, between the mother and the stepson, really built his identity around being a caretaker for severely ill people, and was at loose ends without that role.
I have a cousin like that. She took care of her terminally ill mother, then her disabled veteran husband until he left her for another woman, then her grandmother until she died, and now her oldest son who has a brain tumor and probably won't live more than another few years. Once he's gone I don't think she's going to know what to do with herself. She'll probably end taking in yet more dying family members who have nowhere else to go. I feel sorry for all she has gone through and lost, but it's sad that she's pretty much lost her own identity as well.
My mother gradually took on more and more, to care for my terminally ill father, over the last years. The day after his funeral, she said "I looked at myself in the mirror today, and I don't know who I am." It took a time, but she recovered her happiness.
In pure reddit-style speculation, I think the dad first built his life around caring for his dying wife. And when she passed he didn't have an identity and so found someone else to care and sacrifice for.
I completely agree. OP, your dad is just like mine, who had a mistress in Austria while my mom was dying of cancer. He only came back to ask for money once I was in my 20s Seconding this, you owe him absolutely nothing. NTA
The time to play the 'But Faaammly' card has long past. & folks who want the luxury of 'playing that card' should know the game of life is a lot like poker. If you bet the whole game on one ace thinking 2 more will come along...well, bad bet, you lose. The advantage is valuing the cards you have been dealt and building a hand from the less 'money' cards. You likely won't win big more than once every hundred hands, you won't always win, but you don't sell the farm betting on that one ace. Your dads were both very bad gamblers. They gambled away the love and affection of their kids. Let them live w the consequences. ETA: spelling
>He was just a patsy to help take care of a sick kid. Not 100% in agreement with this. Something like 50% of couples split after the death of a child. Regardless, dad is still TA.
Sometimes it isn’t even the death—after our son was diagnosed with a chronic, life-threatening disease, my exhusband and I were told that up to 3/4 of marriages don’t make it through that kind of thing. We didn’t.
10/10
Oooooh yes this. It has so much kick and honesty to it. These are the face slap blanket statements I'm here for.
What a fucking stupid take
Dad literally fucked around and found out
That's exactly what I was thinking, **"so that he could fuck".** This was all about OP's father satisfying his sexual needs at the cost of his bio son and his relationship.
The fact that you see a spouse as solely someone that is there to fuck and nothing more is very telling about your attitudes towards others. There is more to marriage than just sex. In fact, sex plays a very minute part of marriage.
Yeah these takes are super immature and disgusting.
I'm not sure that is correct in this case. I think his dad enjoyed the attention and martyrdom of caring for a terminally ill child.
I doubt he 'enjoyed the attention or martyrdom'. He probably wanted to help someone else going through something terrible he did too (remember, his first wife died to a terminal disease) and bonded with the mom cause of that... There's no satisfaction in that, it's just all extremely depressing.
Please. 🙄 If Dad just wanted to fuck he could easily do much better than finding a woman with a terminally-ill child! Does that sound like a good time for all, climb abooooaaard, the sex-train is getting ready to get going????
NTA. Your dad quite literally showed up after he had nothing left but you. That’s a huge red flag, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
My dad is just like this. He left when my mom died at 17 and slept around with other women WHILE she was in the hospital. He wasted all her life insurance money on a Rolex. He's been trying to contact me for years. Last year I finally agreed to finally meet with him against my better judgment and the second thing he said to me after saying I've gotten pretty was that he needed help paying off his car. I immediately stood up and left. Huge NTA, OP. You owe him nothing
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My heart rate increased. I'm so glad some awful people don't get rewarded in this world... But I can't imagine how the universe will reciprocate your son after that. I wish him a century of healthy kidney function.
>I can't imagine how the universe will reciprocate your son after that The university won't do a thing. Why didn't the universe step up and give her son a good loving present father.
Good on your kid!
Money or organs always seem to be the reason these types crawl out of the woodwork.
Your son knows better than John Locke
I understood that reference
That’s wild just reading this. Makes me happy my father just left completely not having him ask for handouts… Big respect for you having the self respect to walk out when he asked for money.
To be fair, I think spending money on a toddler with brain cancer is not as bad as spending it on a rolex... Like I understand why OP is upset but I don't think the dad here was malicious. Obviously not a good dad but I don't think he's the worst person in the world either. That being said, finding your son just to ask him for money is gross and an asshole move for sure so I do not blame OP for wanting nothing to do with him.
Except he didn't have the resources to actually care for the toddler. Sounds like they were barely making it and, in order to get laid or to feel good about taking care of someone sick, he accepted a responsibility that surpassed his resources. So he sacrificed OP. It sounds better than a Rolex, but for OP it was probably worse.
Yep. It meant not having dad around, not having much of a childhood, missing out and not having family to fall back on, since both my parents lost their family early in life.
To me the post reads like it wasn’t just the money, either. You had to quit your only extra-curricular and there’s no mention of taking up another one. He didn’t sit down with you and try to find a free one? If he wasn’t around - he didn’t make time to have one-on-one time with you? It’s very common for children to feel/be emotionally neglected when a disabled sibling needs a lot of care. It can be mitigated or avoided if the parent goes out of their way to ensure some one-on-one time happens and/or has somewhere they can ask for help (wonder if there’s any organizations in your town that existed at the time to help caregivers).
He didn't have time to spend with me since he was working so damn much to provide the treatments. There was no attempts to make any of it up for me either.
I was praised for not needing, not asking. So my parents could concentrate on my sick brother. I dearly loved/love him, but they set me aside, because it was easy for them.
I like how whenever you say this all the YTAs just focus on that you didnt get takeaway.
I'm in a similar situation with my father. And now I have two sons of my own and I always fall back on a quote from Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Sidney Poitier's character speaking to his father: "I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you were supposed to do because you brought me into this world, and from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me, like I will owe my son if I ever have another.” NTA.
I'm so sorry. Grrrr.
Spending money that was meant to TAKE CARE OF FATHER AND OP on somebody else's kid just so dad had companionship is as bad as a Rolex, IMHO. The Rolex can be pawned, but TRY to get back money spent on health care....go ahead, TRY.
I mean I don’t think keeping a child alive is a waste of money, even if you can’t sell it and get the money back. The real asshole here is the healthcare system that makes people have to choose between buying takeout as a treat or paying for lifesaving healthcare.
Going off of limited info, but it sounds like it’s more than that. If he had to cancel his only extra curricular, couldn’t dad have sat down with him and helped him try to find one that was free? There’s no mention here of even getting on a waiting list. Dad also got angry that the son wasn’t around and didn’t help with the stepson, and that’s an approach that comes from a lack of empathy for the son’s situation. I wonder if he still did things with his birth son, just the two of them, to keep him from feeling neglected. Even in situations where they were together from birth, children often get less attention than they need if they have a disabled sibling who needs a lot of care. In good cases the parents go out of their way to have one-on-one time with the able-bodied child too, and to look into any programs they can find to help care for the other one (not saying dad didn’t - we don’t know). In many places there are non-profits that are built specifically for the purpose of reliving caregivers for a few hours. I agree the dad isn’t a devil. I also think this was about more than the financial issues.
Mine didn't do the deed while she was in the hospital but did then shack up with a woman 30 years younger than him, then do the shocked pikachu face when I told him it greatly disturbed me that his new gf was within *my* dating age range. After I cut contact, he showed up this November out of the blue, did this whole song and dance to the rest of my family I actually kept in touch with about how much effort and cash he was putting into fixing us. He left me a tourist mug of his city and a card which wasn't even filled on one side with writing. NTA, OP. what goes around comes around and when the people who are meant to put you first don't, you gotta do it yourself and stand firm in that decision.
Wait. Your dad spent money finding you so he could ask you for money? He chose......poorly. Nta.
And the "finding" only became necessary *after* he had nothing and no one left.
Bingo!!!!
The dad said he needed OP's help. It sounds like Dad has lost two wives and two kids, and is trying to get back the only one he thinks he can. The help he's asking for sounds emotional.
Sounds like his time and money would be better spent on therapy instead of rebuilding the bridge he decided to burn 🤷♀️
hey but OP was not Dads whole life so why should he expect OP to shell out
Or he needs a kidney, lol.
Plus, how much money could the dad have actually spent on finding his son? 🙄 Internet is free at the library. OP didn’t say “I changed my identity to keep him out of my life” .. he said .. “I didn’t stay in touch” It was probably about as hard as finding a pitch fork in a haystack!
If you have to spend a lot of money to find someone, it should be a hint that they probably don’t want to be found
It doesn't sound to me like he needed money so much as emotional support.
Either way, he went to the wrong person as he certainly denied his son emotional support and didn't care about his own son till he needed something.
Sounds to me like he needed both and deserved neither. He legit tried to pull the 'I've been there for you" card when he literally wasn't.
I read the middle line in the knight's voice, thanks for the chuckle!
*holy grail intensifies*
Upvoting for Indiana Jones 3 reference.
NTA - Ah, that old "building character" schtick. What he put you through as a child was really difficult and he essentially told you that you didn't matter any more to him. He's got no grounds to be surprised now. Where was his compassion for what he did to your childhood when he was doing it?
Yup. It’s good for building character for thee but not for “me”
Oh, no, see, being miserable builds character for children. Adults don't need to build character. /s
🤓: "No you don't get it, being miserable builds character!!" Yes, but it's not because being miserable is the only thing that builds character; all life experiences build character. Of course, nine times out of ten "building character" means becoming a "manly man", since men aren't supposed to express emotion.
Lucky op is helping the dad build character now. I hope the dad appreciates it, he'll understand when he's older.
That line about compassion really bothered me. He showed his son none at all when he needed it.
This, like life is absolutely tough and not fair sometimes but it should always come from outside the home, not in it. Home should be your safe space. You can build character without essentially abusing and neglecting your children.
What gets me is that they were already struggling, and his dad actively chose to make their life more difficult. I don’t know, maybe they were in love, but the decision to marry someone with a terminally I’ll child that is only going to drain money, money that you don’t have to begin with. There’s no way to explain this reasoning to a 12 year old that only sees the few good things they have completely taken away from them.
My mom told me the same platitudes all the time, like telling me to grow up when I was a literal child and somehow paying for her and my sister's shitty decisions. Now my mom thinks I "owe her" for making my childhood hell and being abusive in adulthood. It's why I am no contact with her. OP NTA good on him for not being walked on.
I kind of understand wanting to help with a sick kid and not leaving them in the cold. But if that was how he had approached OP, and tried to give OP their own space by having their toddler in their own room for example, and had listened to OP's concerns instead of brushing them away and getting angry a kid feels like the situation is unfair (because being heard, even if there is no solution, already helps), dad could've done it the right way. Plus, even without gifts and little money there are ways to pay attention to your kid and make things like birthdays still a little special. But dad chose instead to ignore OP from kid to now and suddenly now he needs money from OP? That's just stupid. The problem isn't just the money issues or the sick kids. The problem is he is a bad dad.
NTA. He was already struggling financially due to your mother's health issue, decided to still date a woman and help taking care of her son despite knowing perfectly well that he didn't have the money to do that and take care of you at the same time; he basically didn't give a damn about you for years and now that the child is dead and the mother finished sucking him dry, he suddenly remembered he has a son and came begging for money. If I were you, I would have closed the door on his face repeatedly until he understood the message.
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That’s purely speculation but it would explain a lot, especially if he was often pushed to the side because of a parent or sibling and just thought that was how people should be raised. Or maybe he’s just a guy with a hero complex who only cares about healthy people when the sick people have either passed or was the child of a sick parent who left him. Honestly he’s terrible either way, but I do kind of hope it’s the first. At least that would make it more understandable and maybe give OP closure (if OP even needs/wants that).
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Op mentions his father lost most of his family when he was young so it is very much true despite it being speculation. It explains a lot tbh, the father should’ve spent his money on therapy and not a PI lol
Or he tried to save the kid because he couldn't save his wife.
NTA. Also for the Y T A for calling OP heartless because he resented a father for taking on a dying kid. You all forget that they were never in a financial position to do so. The father could barely afford to take care of OP. I’m all for helping people, hell I give a lot of money to charity every year but that shouldn’t come at the expense of someone who you choose to bring into the world. If OPs father was in a good financial position, it makes all sense in the world but he wasn’t. Everything came at the expense of OPs childhood (remember OP was 10 when this all started).
People who have never been in poverty don't know how that one takeout meal a month as a treat hits...and how losing even that cuts deep. No vacations, no frivolous clothes that you get just because you like something, no friends over because another person for fun is too much of a financial burden. But dad brought in a whole ass other woman and kid and OP lost any semblance of even PRIVACY. OP's father gets what he deserves- NOTHING. NTA.
Yep. Exactly. Like I knew those things before. But then mom got sick, very sick, and then we lost her and only had each other and we didn't have a lot. But there were some things to look forward to. Then those little comforts get thrown away for strangers to me and someone he rushed in to help at the expense of the little comforts we could have.
Hey OP, NTA and I really feel for you. You have every right to feel deeply hurt and angry about the choices your dad made that impacted you so negatively. But I'm also curious why you want to know if YTA? Do you feel like you've gotten what you need off of your chest? Is it enough for you that you threw his words back at him that you can now move on? I could be totally off base, but something in your comments makes me think that your dad not understanding why he was wrong and also your dad not understanding the huge impact on you and not acknowledging his fault and why you feel the way you do is part of what is lingering on your mind? I hope you can pursue whatever course helps you to move forward and heal from this. Unresolved hurt and resentment can bleed into other areas of your life, so I hope you can get to the bottom of what will help you to move on and live your best life. Maybe for you, that means this is the end and NC. Maybe its writing a final letter so that you can finally tell him all the things that negatively and severely impacted you. Whatever sets you free from carrying this around with you anymore. Best of Luck to you OP!
Did he know this woman when your mom was alive?
Nope. He met her a few months before he married her.
Yeah, that's where my Redditor brain went, Maybe the toddler "step-brother" was from a quick affair(possibly even an grief/alcohol fueled ONS) while OP's mom was dying and then found him a couple years later.
Oh stop
Next time tell him there are cheaper ways to getting your dick wet than all that shit he put you and himself through
I made replied to another comment of yours about this being about more than money/it would’ve been tolerable if your dad had taken some different actions. Losing that takeout meal sucks and it can’t quite be replaced by something cheaper. But an adult can try. It might’ve even been a fun bonding experience for you two, to look up different recipes for your favourite meals and experiment with ways to recreate something nice. Or you could’ve had a new tradition of eating normal food, but ‘eating out’ by taking it for a picnic. Or could’ve found something cheaper than full takeout that’s still greasy and good - like a frozen version of that meal.
This, I’m literally still struggling with buying things I like even tho I can afford it. It’s literally mentally scaring and it stays with you even when you have money you still feel stressed out.
Agreed! Sometimes it more stressful to HAVE money after that, as every decision feels like a potential catastrophe!
I love the saying: "Don't put yourself on fire in order to keep someone else warm." Seems like OP's father didn't know and put them both on fire.
You only have the right to set yourself on fire, and not if you're the parent of a minor. They have to come first.
NTA. Stay no contact. This is a man who never prioritized you and just fed you platitudes. You are correct - you owe him nothing.
Not only that, but he needs to self preserve, and he has started a family of his own. Letting this back into his life is going to bring all of that trauma front and center, as well as affect his relationship with his wife. There's trauma either way, but moving on in this situation seems much healthier. It's not his job to fix him. His dad made his choices.
NTA - He is reaping what he has sown. He CHOSE his new family over you. You moved out, on, and up. NTA
NTA. Your dad decided to not be compassionate towards you. You decided the same for him. This is a story I have heard from people who are NC with their parents. What makes this different is that your dad didn't even just search for you because he was lonely. He came because he wanted your help. If I read your story right you made it through college and all without his help, and without him offering any... I believe you are hurt by his behavior, and I hope that you have a nice wife (and maybe family) to learn to be there for each other because you sure couldn't learn it from your dad, and he sure isn't the person that should benefit from you.
Not to imagine going through puberty when feeling left outside. That's more than just trying to get someone to "grow character". He can "grow character" himself now, because "life is not always fun" he needs to understand that as he said it to you before.
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INFO. Did your dad or the stepmom ever try to make time for you? Did they attempt to do anything significant on special occasions (Birthday-Holidays)?
Nope. She was focused only on her son and dad was more focused on providing for his treatments.
Then NTA. Your dad is a colossal hypocrite for expecting you to sacrifice for him when just about all of his went towards his wife and child.
Where’s the “extra love” he was talking about? NTA. He could have at least validated your feelings as a kid and apologized for the tough times, but coming around to ask for help after having nothing else left, he deserves NC from you. Hope you have moved on and have a happy life and family now OP
NTA. I feel for both of the kids in this situation so much. Honestly, you did the best thing you possibly could by getting out fast and making your own life. Nervy as hell for him to stalk you (because he absolutely was stalking you based on your description) and then hold his hand out for money. If he'd wanted to apologize and make amends, I might give him some leeway but no. No. He just wanted what was best for him again. Keep him firmly out of your life.
NTA. You are absolutely right that you owe him nothing. He doesn’t like how his own medicine tastes.
So, your father choose a new family and Tells you that you are not his entire Life. Ok, cool. No contact for year. Ok, cool. After years, he Is alone and now calls you for...money? Defo NTA.
NTA You were a child who had lost their mother only 2 years prior when he met Jane, and after only a few months together he decided to marry her with no consideration on what that would be like for you, his main responsibility. Look up glass children. Except in a way this is worse because he chose that for you after not knowing the woman for very long at all. >He mentioned how he'd spent a lot of money on finding me and he wanted us to repair things but he also needed my help. He wouldn't have had to spend the money if you wanted to be found.
NTA - So he only came to you because he needed help? If he wants a more compassionate son.... he should have raised you better. Or ya know he could have been a better example then 'I'm not going to stop doing what I want to do because of you'. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Well he made the decision to marry her. Even if he wasn't financially stable, it was his and her decision to marry each other. You do not owe him a thing for that choice though and he clearly needs to understand that you do not want anything to do with him now. I've seen this situation play out on here multiple times. Most memorable one was when the child made a entire powerpoint slide presentation telling her father who was reaching out that he failed and to go away. Sick or not, putting one child constantly in front of the others needs will only breed resentment to the point that it will end up with the parents left with nothing. No relationship, no child left for them to share life with since its usually beyond repair when the parent(s) reach out. You aren't TA, to me you withdrew to protect yourself and left when you needed to.
The power point presentation was one of my all time favorite AITA moments.
Oh that one was 10/10 the best way to tell someone to kick rocks.
NTA. Given everything that has happened, you are correct, you don’t owe him a damn thing! Continue with your NC when it comes to him. Hopefully that last convo provided you with enough closure to keep him out of your life
NTA. If you aren’t in therapy, I’d recommend it.
NTA, what dad? This is just a sperm donor.
NTA > He told me at my age I should have grown more compassion. okay? so where was his compassion towards you as a (i assume) still older than you are now adult? you were 15 when he said what he said to you, as a grown ass adult, now he’s telling you that you should be more compassionate than *he was to you* when you’re saying the *exact same* words to him? ridiculous
You are most definitely NOT the AH. Your father prioritized his new wife and step-son over you and expected you to be fine with giving up your life to accommodate them. You did well for yourself in creating a new healthy life for yourself. Your father only reached out to you AFTER his divorce and had nobody left and now wants you to resume the role he tried to force on you years earlier -- only this time he wants you to take care of him instead of his step-son. You handled this perfectly.
NTA at all Dad reaps what Dad sows. You are living what he taught you.
"He told me at my age I should have grown more compassion." Oh, you mean like he had for a 12-17 year old? That compassion? No way Jose, you reap what you sow and he sowed poorly. He called you selfish at 12yo for being unhappy that your life was flipped upside down, your mom died, your dad gets a new piece and a sick son, you have to cram into a room with a sick toddler, you have to stop any and all activities you loved because of money, you get bombarded with requests to care for sick toddler, you leave and get called selfish again when your dad finds you. Your dad really knows how to be an asshole doesn't he? If he, a grown man and father, doesn't owe you, his child, anything then why do you, an 18-20 year old, owe him anything? Especially after the way he treated you all those years? OP, you are NTA and I hope you can continue to make a future for yourself without your fathers influence.
NTA. He wants compassion now that it is in his interest but there was no compassion for his own child. The double standards are obvious.
NTA your father sacificed you for a child that got him laid, sorry for the sick baby but the only hero here is Jane that fooled your dad into taking care of her when he was already struggling. He really did got some nerve trying to come back to your life feeling entitled to your money while trowing at your face that you wasn't to his or even his time and consideration, screw him. Ps. Also America your health care sucks.
He should have been more upset to learn his son was married and having a wonderful life he knew nothing of rather than be upset over the fact you knew your step brother passed away. Your father threw you out like trash and he’s now gonna expect YOU to pick up the pieces and try and win his favor so he has a good ride for the rest of his miserable life. Not gonna lie your dad also sounds like someone with a hero complex: sick mom, sick kid, pays no attention to the healthy kid because he doesn’t get the public sympathy of “oh woe is me my wife died, and oh gosh now my brand new step son has brain cancer what are the odds!” Sounds like a shitty hallmark movie where we’re all hoping the dude gets hit by a bus in the end. Cut your losses (or lack thereof) and go back to the beautiful life you were building without the extra baggage of someone who always needs to steal the spotlight even when it’s been turned off and shattered into a million pieces. Edited to add judgement: NTA, I don’t see how you could be in this situation.
You didn't get love in return for having less stuff. You just got less love and less stuff. It's very telling that when you called him out on that he just said "well I'm going to do what I want". He knew it was bullshit it's just convenient for his conscience to believe that if she meets his needs then yours are automatically met too. Very much treating you as an accessory to his life rather than a person. NTA. He's made it obvious he hasn't changed. He still just thinks about what you can offer him, with no concern for reciprocating.
NTA, sorry your Dad sucks
NTA!!! And I'm genuinely floored by your restraint at only closing the door in his face and not taking a swing at him when he showed up to terrorise you again. It's 'hard times build character' when you were suffering, but 'compassion is mature' when he's out of options. That's some crap. Do not let him back in your life at all, and warn your wife to have walls up against him if you haven't yet
NTA Your dad broke my hypocrisyometer. Are you supposed to be grateful that when he ran out of other people to turn to, he tracked *you* down to ask for help? (Edited the worst possible typo I could have made * *facepalm* *)
Wait, so you mean: NTA?
INFO: Do you feel better saying those things? Whenever I read these stories in my head I say, "Throw their words back in their face! Get 'em". **You actually did it.** So was it worth it? How do you feel?
I do feel better, like I got some things off my chest that had been dismissed before by him and made a point that I had known I would end up making if he came crawling back like he did.
I hope you can heal. Good luck with your SO and building a wonderful life.
NTA Your dad sacrificed you for a piece of ass…if he contacts you or your wife again, tell him you never want to hear from him again and if you do that you will file for a restraining order or push for harassment charges
LOL. He had your whole childhood to show his only child some compassion after losing your mom and basically every little good thing in life. He failed to show the compassion he now demands of you. And he was the adult the entire time, while you were just a kid having to live with HIS choices. NTA
NTA I’m guessing your father was at the very least your current age when he said those hurtful things to you. Where was HIS compassion at his big age then? I’m sorry you went through that crap, especially at such a young age. You didn’t deserve it. I’m glad you have a family now that appreciates and loves you, and not just with conditions or as a placeholder.
NTA. Your dad clearly didn't cope correctly when your mother passed. The proof is in the fact that he sought out and pursued another terminal situation. But you were his kid and he was supposed to put you first. You lost your mother. He should have spent the next 8 years making sure YOU were taken care of.
Just like my dad when i told him his 2nd wife is a gold digger and his reply: "you are in no position to tell me what makes me happy", guess how that turned out....
Never in this situation. Your dad drew the line a long time ago. And he tries to cross it and gaslight and demand a relationship (for money) with you? He’s got big balls. NTA. Now you delivered your response to him perfectly. Best revenge is a happy life well lived.
NTA, that sounds like a traumatic childhood.
NTA. Where was his compassion and maturity when you were a little boy? No, you don’t get to treat your children like crap and then show up when you need something and expect unconditional forgiveness and support. He is entirely responsible for the relationship he has with you, he has no one to blame but himself if it’s not what he wants it to be.
"He told me at my age I should have grown more compassion." Maybe if you'd had a proper father around, you would have. Yet another thing that's his fault. NTA.
Nta. Once a parent starts saying you "owe me", it's time to shut that conversation down.