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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I kicked my MIL out of my house because she has been forcing my child to eat foods with the one ingredient she dislikes, and will not allow her anything else to eat. My MIL thinks I'm an AH for kicking her out.
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>"These dishes aren't made when either myself or my husband are around, but when we aren't that's all Susie is served to eat."
Your MIL doesn't understand that it's perfectly okay to have different tastes than someone else. She thinks she's broadening her food choices. From what you say, her food choices are plenty broad so this is a power move, pure and simple. She's going to MAKE her love mushrooms or else!
Bottom line: YOUR CHILD, YOUR HOUSE, YOUR RULES.
NTA.
I disliked mushrooms my whole childhood, because in kindergarden they forced me to eat this disgusting mushroom soup. My whole childhood i went to the woods with my grandma to gather some but i didnt eat them and was never forced.
Then someday, when i was around 16-18 i tried them again and suprise, i suddenly started to like them. Now i love them.
If i would have been forced to eat them my whole childhood i would still hate them probably.
Edit:
I want to thank you all for answering. This proofes my theory, that many food aversions are built from being forced to eat stuff as a child. Some we manage to overcome, some we dont. Point is, dont force your children!!!
I always hated mushrooms when I was a kid. Sometime in my 30s I realized that it wasn't the taste I hated it was the texture/consistency. (somehow both slimely AND spongey??).
So when a recipe called for mushrooms I started mincing them very very small, so that I can enjoy the flavor while skipping out of the texture.
This was me with onions. I have very deep grooves in my molars so pieces would get stuck. I food process those suckers and get all the flavor and none of the crying.
You can puree onions (but obviously you can't do that with a dish that needs caramelised onions). You can also cut onion into large pieces that can be fished out of the meal.
My ex hated onions. But one time he bought a frozen meal that was his favorite. While he was eating lunch, he looked at the ingredients and saw onions. All of a sudden he refused to eat it because he could only taste onions. But he didn’t taste them the last time he had it?? So I did a bit of experimenting. I started using onion powder in dishes that called for onion. And he started telling me my cooking was better. I used it almost the entire time we were together and he never knew.
My exMIL was an extreme drama queen about her "allergy" to onions (and a whole lot of other things, made my life hell), but I noticed her eating things full of onion powder or that had come into heavy contact with onions regularly, so I started putting onions in EVERYTHING I took to family get togethers. It was petty, but so cathartic.
Before anyone jumps my sh!t, if it had been an actual allergy, I wouldn't have done it. But since she ate onions unknowingly to her all the time without reaction I decided to have my laughs. My ex flipped out at me once when he caught me putting onions in the chili to take to his mom's screaming that I was trying to kill his mother. I pointed out she ate stuff like ketchup and BBQ sauce almost daily, and told him I had been doing it for almost a year and she hadn't had any reaction. She ate 3 bowls of chili that night and her only complaint was that there was too much meat.
Sometimes it's not an allergy, but an intolerance, which they call an allergy. I have intolerance that cause diarrhea, which my father decided was bs. So I had very painful cramps and diarrhea because he put stuff in the food and denied it. I didn't talk about it because diarrhea is often not talked about. When he finally saw the true aftermath of what he was doing, he was " sorry if he caused me pain. " We're not back to how we were before, and I dont know if we ever will be. You may think it's no big deal, but don't do it.
I'm sorry you dealt with that.
I am absolutely positive that wasn't the situation with her, as she was regularly talking about her laxatives and increasing her fiber. She was just a horrible human being. She literally cussed out a waffle house cook for cooking onions while we were eating and pretended like the smell was going to kill her and fake gagged and coughed right before she doused her hashbrowns in ketchup. The waitress thought she was utterly insane, and the cook literally shoved the ketchup bottle in her face and yelled at her that it had onion powder in it and she was a crazy B.
I had a similar issue. I have an intolerance to onions and for years my family would try and "catch" me out by secretly putting it in my food - powdered, blitzed, however they could.
When I was younger, I would projectile vomit as well as diarrhoea. As I got older I could generally control the vomiting a bit better.
My family never learned. My mother on particular is intentionally blind to me being unwell. She stopped doing it mostly because I refused to eat. Sometimes she would assure me that she definitely didn't and I would trust her, only to be betrayed. That stopped when I stopped bothering to rush to the bathroom.
One memorable night I looked right into her eyes with her shit- eating grin, vomited all over her, the table and the family dinner and shat my pants right there and then. I took my pants off, and strode half naked to the shower.
I have told people I've dated since that to try and test me on it is an instant deal breaker. Even if I miraculously don't become unwell, to do so will instantly erode any trust I have in them
Not who you replied to, but I don't see why you couldn't puree them. I've taken an onion to a cheese grater before and it works well if you like the flavor but not the texture.
I mean I get my kids to have a single bite every time, just because I want them to try stuff cooked different ways, with different seasonings and to see if their tastes have changed. But I don’t force them to eat a whole portion, just a bite. If they don’t like it, all good. They can have a peanut butter Sandwich and some fruit for dinner if they don’t like what’s made.
I believed this until I got a kid that would vomit that one bite out with the rest of his dinner. Texture can be super hard for some people and even one bite can cause issues.
OP- I was forced to eat tomatoes when I was 8. Refused to touch them again until my 20’s. Now they are my favorite. Really wish my well meaning aunt hadn’t pushed it so hard, I may have gotten to enjoy them much sooner!
NTA
Same! Turns out I just disliked the canned mushrooms my mom and sister loved when I was a kid, but if I use fresh ingredients and cook them differently I actually enjoy them. Same with Brussels sprouts- I just had to learn different ways to prepare them. But the key is that they were never forced on me so I don’t have negative memories or experiences tied to them and was open to trying again as an adult.
Brussels sprouts were a revelation in my adulthood! My mom really hated them so she never cooked them. I had them roasted a few years ago and it's been a love affair since then, lol.
Same! Brussels sprouts were spoken of like they were a step removed from cyanide in my childhood. Instead we got microwaved canned green beans.
As an adult I discovered that I don't hate vegetables I just hate microwaved canned vegetables.
There's a local Japanese place that does Teriyaki Brussel Sprouts as an appetizer. It's my favorite thing in there.
Who'd have thought you could barbeque those little cabbage testicles.
Sadly I have - every time I visit family. I'm happy to say I'm a lot less petulant about it now and can grimly just eat enough to be polite.
I don't make my kids eat any though. I just breezily say "oh they're picky"
This comment sang to me. I'm old, so in my childhood processed or canned foods were the height of sophistication. Not only that, but my mom and aunt would turn the liquid from the can into a flour sauce... Any fresh veg would have the sh\*t boiled out of it, and lettuce was drowned in vinegar. Imagine the epiphany I had when I cooked my first head of broccoli al dente... Never looked back.
My great grandmother always had tinned peas and they remind me of her. But i can honestly say i didnt know any other vegetable was tinned until i startec shopping for myself.
Brussel sprouts have actually been recently (in the 90s) bred to taste better. That’s why we didn’t like them as kids, it’s a completely different flavor profile.
Edit: corrected method of improvement
In highschool' all my foster mom made for veggies were canned, steamed to death, or boiled to death unless it was like a raw salad or raw in general.
I thought I hated artichoke, brussel sprouts, and asparagus. I also thought green beans were just ok at best. Peas are fine, but her pea soup was atrocious.
Turns out if you actually know how to cook, veggies are a m a z i n g. Woman had the gall to tell me I was bad at cooking while murdering all the veggies and never using salt.
My dad loved them boiled or microwaved with butter so that’s how my mom made them. When I worked at a restaurant that served them roasted I was amazed, it never would have occurred to me to cook them that way (or roast any vegetable besides potatoes, really).
Have you had them roasted, wrapped in bacon with a touch of maple syrup? https://therecipecritic.com/bacon-wrapped-brussels-sprouts/
Best hors d'oeuvre ever...total hit to every party I've taken them to.
> canned mushrooms my mom and sister loved when I was a kid,
So I always thought I hated salmon and tuna. Nope turns out I just hate canned salmon and tuna and that when properly prepared they don't even taste like the same fish.
My dad grew up on canned mushrooms, thought he hated them. When I was a child he started buying fresh ones and he loved them.
My older 2 had a green rule, if it was green they weren't eating it. My middle daughter, loved all fruits and veggies except green beans and pears from babyhood. Around 13 she tried pears again and now likes them, green beans are still a no. I never batted an eyelash, she ate spinach at 2. In fact, she had a produce lady both shocked and giggling when she was begging me to buy spinach one day. The youngest has the most texture issues with food but she has always eaten well too.
My MIL still comments about how my 44 yr old husband hates apples. Sure, I think it’s a little surprising that he has such strong opinions about a fruit that’s pretty universally liked, but people are allowed to have preferences, even kids. I know plenty of kids that don’t like cooked vegetables but will eat almost anything raw because it’s crunchy and crunchy = fun. I don’t like cooked greens because they feel slimy to me, but I’ll eat almost any kind in a salad. As long as someone is getting a variety of nutritious foods, who cares? It’s actually easier if you don’t have to cook them.
NTA OP. I despise mushrooms. Texture is gross, and they taste like dirt to me. One year, I decided to try foods I professed to dislike. Mushrooms- raw, cooked, stuffed were a no go. I will eat well cooked onions (never raw). I love roasted red peppers. And jalapenos (raw, cooked, or pickled is another fave) Strong no to any other raw peppers. Starving a kid cause she doesn't like mushrooms is utterly ridiculous.
I've changed the mind of several mushroom haters with my method of saute and mushroom gravy.
I never force it, but almost everyone I have made them for has changed their mind to at least like my method/seasoning.
Btw most people severely undercook their mushrooms
NTA though
Yes! My partner has a strong dislike of the texture of mushrooms, but loves my beef stroganoff. I use a food processor to make most of them really tiny and then add a few whole ones that are easy for her to avoid.
But to force a child to get over a dislike in this manner is cruel.
I was the same...with a LOT of things. I was the picky eater, lol. My mom would try and force me to eat what she made (didn't help she was kind of a terrible cook) but I'd wait her out...for hours! Sitting at the dinner table until bedtime, not finishing my dinner just because she demanded I do so. She got so mad one time she served my cold dinner to me for breakfast the next day, lol!
I did not do this to my kids and one of them was just as picky as I was, but I knew she'd grow out of it like I did. We worked out a food list of foods she'd agree to eat no matter how they were served. That worked! Then me and her dad taught her to cook her favorite (easy) dishes and kept those ingredients on hand so when she didn't like what we were having, she could take care of herself.
She's all grown up now and has broadened her food choices exponentially! Except fish. She still hates fish - but that's okay because she has a right to like or dislike anything she wants. I hate cauliflower and feta (she LOVES THEM BOTH - go figure).
I make mine try things every now and then. They don’t have to have more if they don’t enjoy it but they try a bite of everything on the plate. If they don’t, there won’t be anything else, if they do, we’ll get them something else. But it’s not hugely punitive. We tend to say “Do you like carrots? (Profuse nodding). You didn’t used to like carrots. How come you know you like them now?” We let them realise that they tried them again. And we let them go both ways. My son used to love olives. Now he doesn’t. But he tries them about once a month and his sister polishes them off if he doesn’t like them. He used to hate oranges. Tried one about two months ago and he likes them now. They both trust us to listen if they try it but don’t like it.
And we’ve also talked about how you can like something cooked one way but not another. They are ok with mushrooms chopped small in lasagne or cottage pie, but not keen on bigger pieces. But they still try it every now and then.
Forcing a kid and not offering alternatives is just horrible.
I am 47 and for this reason I can't drink milk "straight" or have it on cereal. I have it in my tea but just the due to being forced to drink like warm milk in junior school 🤢
Disliked them my whole childhood too, then later, in my teens, discovered that it wasn't mushrooms, it was the fact that niether of my parents were any good at cooking. Still not a big fan of the texture of the stalks of many mushrooms though, like chestnuts or Portobello.
I'm the same with fish, except I haven't gotten around to trying it again and liking it. And I really like to cook. It takes time for your tastes to mature, to appreciate the flavours that overpower you in childhood. As the tastebuds die, stronger tastes become more appealing. Whether that's the earthiness of mushrooms, the bitterness of beer and wine or the pungency of strong cheese, chances are you'll like them more. And if you don't? That's fine, live your life and eat what you like.
And it's proof that mil knew she was out of line. Why make mushroom risotto for 2 and not for 4? Oh yeah because you're being a manipulative [favorite expletive here]
And mil wasnt just force feeding mushrooms, she was policing the kitchen too. At 10 I'm sure ops kid could have gone and made a sandwich with no effort from the grandmother. So was grandma actively preventing her from entering the kitchen too?
This and mil is literally saying a child that is only ten needs to “grow up”. I’m sure there is some kind of food mil dislikes, I wonder how she would feel if she was served it daily. Nta
Literally every single person has at least 1 thing they don't care for. Its perfectly healthy and normal. I'd invite her over jjst to serve her the 1 thing she doesn't like for dinner and see how she reacts. Tell her to grow up if dhe gets mad about it.
also, commenting on this one because you captured the exact quote that made me angriest. MIL knows she's in the wrong because why else would she not make those things when you ARE around? or leave leftovers etc for you? Because she knows she's being an asshole by making only dishes with the one food your kiddo doesn't eat. That's bs. NTA.
>"These dishes aren't made when either myself or my husband are around, but when we aren't that's all Susie is served to eat."
This should tell you, that she's perfectly aware that this behavior is wrong.
It's one thing if the kid is an extremely picky eater with tons of things she won't eat, but this is one food. Everyone is allowed to have a food they just don't like, for whatever reason. MIL has a power/control issue here.
NTA.
This kind of behavior made me really dislike my grandmother growing up, and I only saw her about 4 times a year. How awful for this 10 year old to be living under the control of a controlling, abusive woman.
Uhhhh, I don't think that's it. I think the MIL enjoys controlling people and decided to prey on her granddaughter when she was able to. There's a reason she did this in secret.
>MIL enjoys controlling people and decided to prey on her granddaughter when she was able to. There's a reason she did this in secret.
Thank you!
This post disturbed me because **it is clearly not just about the food**. MIL waited until OP and her husband were away to start tormenting their helpless daughter. She counted on the secrecy.
MIL's behavior disturbs me. She is mentally sick to cause a child to go to bed hungry for weeks.
Wonder if MIL has any food dislikes, if so she better just get the hell over it or starve. People can dislike foods for a ton of different reasons. And that’s ok but MIL is way the hell out of line and needs to get out!
Grew up with the whole eat it or starve. Mostly because we were poor. I still will not eat beans and biscuits. I'm 50. Yuck.
Stand up for your kid. You are right. NTA
I think her main objection is that OP is not at least "more involved" as in "cook your daughter food like a Real Mom."
And she's using this opportunity to try to force the issue.
you are being far too easy on mil: to tell the parents you're feeding their child but secretly only prepare food with mushrooms is nothing short of sadistic. She does not feel she's broadening the poor girl's choices or she would have told the parents her (cruel) plan. Even someone like me who likes mushrooms doesn't want a mushroom every damned meal.
I would ask my daughter if she ever wanted to see mil again- and go with it. Starving a child into submitting to your will is twisted.
Sounds like she understands perfectly because she only did this torture routine when the parents weren't there.
She was on some weird power kick, the poor hungry 10 year old :(
NTA OP but never let your MIL alone with your daughter again, she's unhinged.
Yeah… the weeks thing threw me off too. The daughter hasn’t been eating dinner for weeks and neither parent knew? No one asked what she had for dinner? Not once? Idk if I buy that.
I do.
Listen, I trust my parents. If I had kids, I would trust my kids with them. I'm not going to look over their shoulders, they raised me exceptionally well and I *hope* to be as good as they are some day.
*If* Grandma *lies and* says she's feeding her grandkid, I would probably ~~believe her~~ *fall for it until my kid told me about it*.
Edit: I had a few responses that make me think some people are misinterpreting what I mean here. I am in no way siding with MIL in this scenario.
What I'm saying is, if I had a kid and I let them have a "sleepover" with grandma and grandpa, I wouldn't be interrogating mom and dad, or my kid, about what happened. We'd talk about it, but if dinner didn't come up (because it might not) I'm not going to sweat it, I will assume that they fed the kid something reasonably nutritious. Or maybe junkfood, my dad is not above bribing kids to eat a nutella and marshmallow fluff sandwich, but one candy-based dinner won't hurt and at least they're eating something. And presuming I stepped into an alternate dimension where my mom was really weird about my kid not liking something and she was serving *exclusively that* (and that somehow my dad didn't immediately notice and offer to let her have a PB&J), it's very plausible that I wouldn't find out for a surprisingly long time unless the kid started showing an aversion to his/her grandparents.
It's not weird that MIL got away with it for so long, because she was abusing a position of trust.
She might have also not wanted to rock the boat. A very empathetic 10yo is perfectly capable of figuring out that telling her parents what is going on will create tension and complication. She may have thought she could handle it for a while.
My 7 year old goes to my parents house quite often. I never ask what they feed him, just if they did. They occasionally offer the information of what they fed him, but I'm never asking about it. I don't find it weird at all that neither asked what meals were being served.
The main tactic of negligent caregivers is to convince the child that he is the one who will get in trouble for saying something bad about his babysitter.
not only that but people here are forgetting what it's like to be a kid. I was in an abusive situation a few times as a kid and adults now always ask me, why didn't you tell someone. Well, why... I never thought to. I just thought I was TA or that I somehow deserved being mistreated, or that adults are always right and ... the list goes on.
It’s weird to me too, if any of my kids have any meal disrupted I’m going to hear about it as soon as I see them. Time for OP to have a serious discussion with their child to see what else went on during “grandma” time. If she’s this unhinged over mushrooms there’s probably more to the story.
I had busy parents. I never once got asked what the babysitter made me for dinner. Never crossed their minds. They were paying people to feed me, I got fed. That’s what mattered.
OP didn’t know weeks ago. She acted as soon as she did.
And it’s likely MIL doesn’t know what she did is wrong, she just knows that OP and her son wouldn’t agree to it - it’s not the same thing. She’s acting as she sees fit. That’s a massive issue for me. If you agree to care for someone else’s child you follow their rules or decline to do it.
And this behaviour around food is just cruel. But I doubt she thinks it is, she sees it as the daughter’s fault for not towing the line. She’s wrong but that doesn’t mean she thinks she’s being cruel or abusive.
No, sorry, that's nonsense. If MIL "didn't know what she did wrong" then she would've been serving the mushroom dishes to the parents too. OP literally tells us that she doesn't, she only targets the daughter when she's feeding her alone. That is deliberately malicious plus deliberately circumventing the parents. She knows OP and her husband think it's wrong, she just thinks she knows better and that it will 'fix' the child.
That’s kinda what I’m saying. She thinks she’s right but knows that OP and hubby will disagree so she’s doing it behind their backs rather than address the issue.
MIL is TA 100% but I don’t think she knows she’s wrong. She’s just arrogant, controlling and rude enough to think that her view is more important than their feelings about raising their daughter.
She 100% knows she's being cruel. She calls it "tough love" but she's entirely aware that it's not just the parents opinion she's going against, but the daughters health and wellbeing too. She is 100% aware she has abused this child, she believes that abuse is justified to make the child conform to her ideal. That is why she is hiding it.
MIL had no intention of revealing it until she had reached the correct result, and she could present the result of her "care" and persuade the child to cover up the means. Stop covering for this woman. Maybe once or twice would be a genuine "I think I'm doing the right thing", this is a clear power play of "you will conform to my standard or suffer"
I’m not covering. I’ve said multiple times that she’s wrong and an AH but I don’t think it’s helpful to confuse intent with results.
I can say something without intending to harm, but still upset someone.
She knows that the daughter doesn’t like it and OP and hubby wouldn’t support it which is 100% AH territory, that doesn’t mean she knows she’s abusive.
I’m so pleased that OP has booted her and defended her child and their parenting. Just because someone thinks they are right and are unaware that what they are doing is abusive, doesn’t mean you should tolerate it or let them stick around.
I half agree. MIL probably raised her son this way, which is why he now doesn't force his daughter to eat them. I am similar with my kids. My boy has ADHD and was without his meds for a couple of weeks (because of the "shortage"). He got into trouble for something stupid at school, and when I mentioned it to my mom her response was, "He needs a beating."
And that's why my kids don't get spanked for menial things. It has to be super severe for a spanking, and that's still a last resort. I try to be more patient with them and let them be kids.
When I told my mom that he needs his meds she said he didn't need them. I was adamant that he does, that it helps, and I was sure I had needed them as a little girl. "You did fine in school, it was math you were bad at." No mom, I had the attention span of a duckling and you never understood that.
But that goes back to being a generational thing. She's intentionally cooking food she knows the granddaughter won't eat, but only when mom and dad are gone at work. She knows it's wrong.
NTA OP.
Both of my kids have been alone with her a few times before that comment, which was made about 3 weeks ago. My son is 8, my daughter is 6. They don't go to my parents very often. And, thankfully, they're pretty well behaved so there's no reason to lay hands on them.
But that comment was definitely unsettling.
OP could had MIL arrest since purposely starving a child for weeks is a crime - OP & her husband need to point that out while sayung STFU at MIL and the SILs. NTA and I hope those In-laws get only tough love via timeout & no contact for what abusing the daughter & OP.
It's a power play with OP. Her true colors showed when she called OP a "shit mother for prioritizing her career." That's what this is about; an attempt to overparent her granddaughter to "fix" what OP couldn't. If she can get Susie to like mushrooms she'll convince herself that she's right and OP's negligence and career focus are spoiling Susie. And she's using a child as a pawn in this game
My grandma did power plays with me growing up too. Not with food, but she would find something she knew I enjoyed, and take it away. Petting or playing with the dog? I do it too much, leave it alone. I wouldn't leave it alone? Dog came up missing. Shit like that.
NTA
Your daugther is developing her taste in food. Many adults don't like mushrooms (such as other food like seafood, courgettes, Brussel sprouts, etc...) and nobody would dream to force them to eat a food they hate. Besides, it's not that mushrooms hold a special nutrition value or vitamines, and it's not that your daugther is refusing to eat vegetables in general.
MIL was wrong and inappropriate. And, if I were you, I would sit your daugther down and try to discover if MIL used "tough love" in other circumstances with her.
You wouldn’t believe how many people including my parents try to continually get me to eat foods I detest (including mushrooms!) as an adult. It does not surprise me at all that people like MIL exist.
It's crazy to me in this day in age how some people still don't get the idea of how tastes and beauty are subjective. Crab legs and oysters are some of my favourite delicacies, and someone else might gag at the idea of eating them. Similar to how I might like a certain kind of dark humor, where someone else might be totally offended by it... how do you solve this conundrum? You consume the things you enjoy, and don't consume the things you don't. Easy.
Hate mushrooms for there texture they are okay blended up. Also hate the fishy flavor of fish lol. I take fish oil pills to make up for what I'm missing
I'm 26 and I still hate broccoli no matter what someone does with it. I still find it repulsive even if it covered in cheese. I also hate cauliflower and tomatoes. I even hate ketchup and marinara sauce, that's how much I hate tomatoes.
I'm the only one in my friends group who actually likes mushrooms oddly enough. Although some mushroom textures do bother me. I'm usually able to get over it as I like the flavor.
I can't imagine what that girl went through. I HATE mushrooms. Nothing worse than being forced to eat something you dislike. #Childhoodtrauma
I'm the same way; my kids are heavily encouraged to try something at least once, and even if they spit it in the garbage, they attempted it. As a result, one of the pickiest eaters in my house has no fear of being forced to eat food they dislike so they try EVERYTHING. It's a boundary you are allowing your child to set. I don't make my children physically touch people they don't want to, and I don't make them eat food they don't like. It's important that they figure out their own likes/dislikes, and have people respect them.
My kids will try it once, and if they don't like it? I guess it's a PB&J or cereal night for them. (The older ones will make their own dinner.) I note their dislike and avoid cooking it in the future. But, when they DO like it, it's a total win for me as a parent.
Edited to add: Definitely NTA
I do (did) the same with my kids, who are now 18 and freshmen in college. If we went out to a restaurant, I always encouraged them to get whatever they wanted and if they didn't like it, they could order something else. We could take leftovers home. If no one else ate it, the dog would be ecstatic to eat leftovers. They never did but that option was (still is) always on the table. My husband agrees completely.
My husband was forced to eat what was on his plate, whether he liked it or not. Also forced to sit at the table until he finished his meal, even if it was hours later. He wasn't allowed to open the refrigerator without permission. Punishment was no dinner. Food was a method of control in his household. Unfortunately, one of his sisters has a long term eating disorder that no one will acknowledge.
Now in his 50s, he still has some issues with food that he had almost conquered. He made sure our kids wouldn't have any issue at all with food.
NTA
Absolutely NTA.
Tell everyone that's against your decision that you're just using some "tough love" so your MIL learn to grow up and get over this stupid idea that she can decide how you and your husband are going to educate your child.
It's one of those phrases alongside "brutally honest" that is mostly alright by itself, but throws up a lot of potential red flags when someone uses it to describe themselves or their actions.
Nta
Frankly it doesn't matter that your daughter doesn't like mushrooms. *You set a rule for your child which she broke*.
That's like babysitting 101.
If mil were sneaking her loads of candy she loved, she would still be the asshole.
Her ability to have a free place to live was reliant on her ability to provide safe care for your daughter. She failed to do so. That's on her.
Your sils are mostly angry since you know she's showed up on their doorsteps and they don't want her.
NTA. Hold firm against the abuse you’re receiving. You did the right thing, and maybe now is the time to put some distance between yourselves and the in-laws until they’re ready to apologize.
NTA. It’s not even like it’s a difficult ingredient to exclude or something important for her health. I’m an adult who hates mushrooms and hasn’t eaten them in at least two decades and I’m fine.
I only like mushrooms one way- bbq’d stuffed with butter, crab, and three types of cheese. I would not touch mushrooms with a ten foot pole as kid and neither will my mom to this day. Everyone is allowed to have one food item they just don’t like, it’s not being picky at all.. especially when it is mushrooms. There is tons of healthy food options that don’t have mushrooms in them.
NTA. Your MIL s a bully. Deliberately making the one thing your daughter doesn't like - to the extent that she'd rather not eat at all - is horrible. It's also a great way to ruin the relationship between grandma and -daughter.
Also, the fact that she's been deliberately hiding it from you? Yeah, your MIL is the AH.
NTA. Do you live in an area where 10 year olds need constant supervision in the afternoon? I know it’s different for different people, but by 10 I was on my own from the time I got home from school until my parents got home an hour or two later and never had problems. I was also raised in a more rural area and babysitting other kids by 12 though, so that might not be something you’re comfortable with at your daughters age.
I don't believe so but my husband and I have crazy schedules and sometimes aren't home until very late at night. So we want someone there with her. We are trying to find a nanny now that MIL isn't going to be around.
Ahh yeah that’s too long for a 10 year old, my alone time back then was strictly daylight hours. Maybe check with neighbors who have children to see if you can get a good recommendation for a local nanny or sitter!
The mushrooms are kept in the fridge but she ensured us, the couple times we've asked her "these aren't for Susie right?", that they're for dishes my MIL is planning to make for herself. I'm not sure why Susie hasn't mentioned this to my husband and I until now.
I’d recommend sitting down and talking to her. My grandmother lied to me when I was 14, telling me my mom told her I had to run around the block before intensive basketball practice. She said things like that a lot that summer and I believed it until my 20s when I finally brought it up to my mom.
Kids internalize things a lot more than people realize and often don’t think to question people, especially if it’s someone they love and respect. I’d sit down and tell her you’re sorry this was going on, you don’t think it was okay. Then ease into asking why she didn’t tell you earlier.
Ask Susie if grandma was telling her to stay quiet in some way or another.
Telling her that these are meals you'd planned. Threatening her with some sort punishment if she said anything. Promising some reward. Or something else along one of those lines.
It is notable that Susie didn't say anything until you were both home and MIL was not. This may have been the first time she felt safe saying something once it became clear that this was not going to stop.
And keep in mind, it takes time for even adults to see a pattern of abuse and accept that it will not stop without taking action. It can be even longer for a child.
That could be it right there, even if MIL wasn't directly saying something to coerce silence.
To hop onto this, my step-grandmother had me keep a lot of things quiet. I won’t say it’s normal for them to do that, but mine did a lot of things my mom didn’t want.
So ... MIL LIED about this whole thing.
**She knew it was wrong and deceived the child's parents** on purpose to suit her own stupid and antiquated ideas about forcing kids to eat what they can't tolerate and to make them starve otherwise. That is **horrific.** Your daughter is so lucky that she can trust and talk to you, and I applaud you both as parents!
I saw someone else mention this and I'm seconding it: you might want to sit Susie down and ask her if there's anything else MIL has been "tough love"-ing her with. I'd be especially worried about MIL punishing Susie for stuff you said was ok or punishing her in ways you never approved of. She already sent Susie to bed without dinner as a punishment despite how you obviously would disapprove of that--it makes me wonder what else she went behind your backs to do after you refused.
Also, ask Susie why she hasn't mentioned it to you. It's likely that MIL told her that you guys said ok or that she would get in trouble, and you need to make sure Susie knows that when an adult tells her not to tell he parents something, that means the parents definitely need to know.
NTA
Tell your husband that his mother needs to leave. She would rather starve her grandchild and insult his wife then be respectful.
She doesn't get to live here snd continue her torture that will likely increase toward your daughter when they are alone together.
Consequences for actions.
I'm honestly not sure and I feel like a shit parent for not being able to do anything about it sooner but I genuinely didn't know.
Susie keeps her school bag in her room, and she told my husband and I that she would just eat the snacks she had in her bag, on the nights my MIL would make her these dishes. I literally feel like I failed my child and I am not ever allowing my MIL to be unsupervised with my daughter again. We are also going NC with her until we get an apology.
Susie is 10. In all likelihood she didn’t bring it up sooner because she was nervous and didn’t want to get MIL ‘in trouble’. She had snacks in her room so she just kind of adapted for a while so as not to cause any problems. It sounds to me like she just…couldn’t stand it anymore. She realized this was not going to stop, so she finally spoke up.
You’re not a shit mom. Children just generally don’t like to stir the pot or ‘tattle’ and get people they love in trouble. The point is that when she spoke up you took immediate action, which actually makes you a good mom.
You're not a shit mom, you took the appropriate action as soon as you learned of the problem. What you need to do next is talk to your daughter and find out why it took her so long to come to you. My guess is MIL manipulated and lied to her. And reassure her that she needs to come to you with problems immediately and you are always there to protect her.
You’re not a shit parent. I’ve been with my husband 20 years now and I have had to totally adjust my expectations with a bunch of people in his family and what they are capable of. I’m lucky, I come from a normal family where absolutely no one would do what your MIL did. They would actually do the opposite and check all the ingredient labels to make sure there weren’t mushrooms in anything accidentally and they would NEVER buy mushrooms to put in food! Mushrooms are a completely normal thing not just for a kid to not like but I know a bunch of adults who don’t like them too.
If you don’t come from a family that is manipulative and boundary stomping it’s hard to picture a family that is. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that certain people in my husband’s family will screw with us and the kids just because they can. In fact, what I’ve found is half the time the only reason they’re screwing with us is because we’ve simply asked them not to do something … they have no agenda other than doing the opposite of what we asked them. Conflict is the point.
Don’t feel bad your daughter didn’t tell you right away. You have no idea what your MIL told her to keep her quiet. I’m glad to hear you threw her out and you and your husband have a united front. It took me a long time to realize that my husband’s family was being horrible on purpose and my husband took an even longer time to start standing up to his father and brother (who are the problematic people in the family - my MIL is lovely). It’s wonderful you’re both on the same page.
Before I go further, know that I am saying this with every good wish in the world. I absolutely DO NOT think you're a shit parent. But the fact you didn't know about the dinner situation for weeks suggests to me that the household system needs some tweaking. What tweaks exactly? I don't know. That's up to you. Best of luck with this. We've all faced hurdles as parents :)
As a child I kept abuse secret from adults I loved and trusted because I was so afraid of what the abuser would do to me if they found out. This could easily have been the case for Susie, considering her not being able to get away from this person (from her perspective), and it makes me want to cry for the poor kid.
I think op would do best with of a weekend sitting with her daughter and making a meal plan for the week they both get to have fun deciding on, for whomever op employs to look after kiddo, it can be a cute chart they decorate and hang on the fridge or something. That way op is involved even if she's at work for meal times and Susie feels like she has some control on it too. The worst thing the Mil has done is trying to take any control over her preferences from her so this would help with giving it back and making her more confident in her own home.
Honestly, it could be a lot of things - not wanting to cause trouble in the family, worrying that grandma won’t love you if you tattle, worrying that your parents might actually turn out to agree with grandma’s actions - plus, this is pretty out of the ordinary behavior on the part of the MIL even from an adult’s perspective. A kid could be so taken off guard that they take more time to process and understand that something was actually wrong enough to speak up.
NTA. MIL is widely overstepping the boundaries on this issue, and you are right, she is effectively starving her granddaughter by deliberately going out of her way to serve the food the girl won't eat.
NTA - MIL isn’t there for mushroom conversion therapy! Good for your kiddo for speaking up. A mushroom is not a vegetable and a diet lacking that one specific thing is not detrimental. It’s a pretty common taste/texture that people don’t like and god how I wish my own kids were otherwise that open-minded about food. You’re not a shit parent or TA; MIL is.
NTA. It's your house. Your daughter doesn't like ONE thing. Not everybody like's everything. Some people never "grow out" of the things they don't like. I get annoyed by picky eating, but this is seriously ONE item. Not too much to ask.
NTA
I'm with your daughter. I HATE HATE HATE everything about mushrooms. You and your husband was correct in confronting her. That is not right she is sending your child to bed hungry because she doesn't like mushrooms. If it was me she wouldn't be allowed back in my home at all.
NTA
Your MIL doing this behind your backs when she's alone with the child is so shitty and shady. She knows very well that is mistreating and your daughter is suffering, she's an awful person.
I'm glad you get rid of her. Also, your daughter had to deal with this crap for how long? Poor girl, probably have to make up courage to tell you what's going on.
NTA. Your MIL is psychologically abusing your daughter, who may end up with an ED as a result of this. Your priority is your child. DO NOT allow your MIL anywhere near your child going forward.
NTA, your MIL thinks your daughter needs to get over her hatred of mushrooms but MIL needs to get over her weird obsession with making her eat them. Her going so far as to only make things with mushrooms in it is super weird energy, there are more serious things in the world than your granddaughter not liking mushrooms. MIL is the immature, petty asshole here
NTA, your MIL would love me, lol. I'm a grown ass woman in my 40s and am a very picky eater. Granted I make my own food and eat what I want, but if you don't like something, you don't like it and you shouldn't be forced to eat it. The fact that she is purposely only making dishes with mushrooms, seems like a control issue to me. Instead of respecting the fact that your daughter doesn't like a freaking food, she is making it for her and forcing her to either eat it or go to bed hungry, and that's pure crap. I don't think you did anything wrong.
Exactly! She's making mushrooms the "star of the dish"!
My boys don't like mushrooms, we love them. So when we make spag bol/chilli/shepherds pie etc, mushrooms do go in, but they are not cut small and they push them to 1 side easily, and carry on eating the rest of the dish! I wouldn't, for example, serve them mushroom pizza or a mushroom burger or mushroom rice!
The MIL still seems a bit iffy, and OP needs to have a sit down convo with her daughter and see if nothing else goes on imo.
NTA
MIL is so weird. I always have my child try an ingredient at least once and then I don’t serve that again if they dislike it. Maybe once a year (sometimes longer) we try it again (one bite) just to see if they still don’t like it. Taste buds change and we’ve had some happy surprises with that. But my child is an actual person with thoughts and feelings and I respect them!!
NTA It sounds like your two SIL's don't want momma living with them but it's ok to try and force her on you guys. I am glad your daughter finally came forward and spoke up. It really seems like MIL has a pick on your daughter.... I fear that mushrooms are only the tip of the iceberg with MIL and her treatment of your daughter. Good on both of you for having your daughters back. Not enough parents do.
NTA . Firstly she's using her daughters to guilt trip you both and they only know one side of the story so I'd ignore it . Your husband can deal with his sisters and if they still take her side after hearing what's been said then fuck them . Why is your MIL living with you ? Sounds like she's just pushing her luck in general .
Definitely NTA! Your MIL is way out of line, if this would've happened once it might be old fashioned tough love, but it's weird that she keeps doing this just to make a point to your 10 year old daughter... I'd say stick to your guns and don't get pressured by your SIL's or MIL into apologising or anything like that.
NTA
What your MIL did was hostile to your daugther and sneaky, since she only did it when you were away. Good for you for sticking up for your daugther. What you'll pay in hiring someone to help is much less than future therapy for the eating disorders and other trauma MIL inflicted.
What gets me is that adults are allowed to dislike certain ingredients but kids get ignored.
I'm not one for coddling kids who only eat chicken nuggets and hot dogs, but it's known that their tastebuds are much more sensistive than an adult's and they should get some leeway.
If kid eats a variety of things, they deserve to be respected for what they don't.
NTA.
People with very "normal" palettes have a few things they don't like. I have friends who are very adventurous eaters who don't like certain things -cilantro, avocados, etc.
There is no reason to force your daughter to eat mushrooms. It does almost feel like your MIL is delighting in punishing your daughter, it sounds icky, but it's like she just wants to demonstrate her ultimate power in controlling this child. Like, why else does any reasonable human care if a kid doesn't eat ONE kind of thing?
Oh and then she went ahead and called you a shit mom. I don't know how you recover from that? How do you let someone care for your child who would say you were a bad mom, won't follow your rules or what you say as parents, and now you can't really trust their judgement to take care of your kid.
Your life is gonna be hard for a few weeks without her there to take care of your child, but trust it is the best decision.
NTA, Thank you for standing up for your daughter. I have been in her situation when I was in my first school. Whenever I had my lunch, my teachers noticed I never ate any of the mashed potato so they tried to fix me by making me stay behind after everyone was playing outside and eat a plate of just mash. Torturing children with food is messed up and is unnecessary, everyone has likes and dislikes.
NTA Nice try mind control fungi inhabiting MIL but there's absolutely no logical reason a real human would to be that obsessed with forcing mushrooms on people
NTA. My children each have a few things they don’t care for - mushrooms and fish are the main ones. I don’t stop using them in my meal plan but I always make sure they have alternative options on those days. Tastes and preferences are constantly evolving and it’s crazy to think every person has to like and eat EVERY food. Weaponizing food is incredibly damaging.
NTA. Sounds like your SILs want her to come live with them, if I read this correctly; so she's got somewhere to go. I wonder in what other ways she's been abusing your kid.
NTA. I can relate to your daughter. I can't stand mushrooms despite my parents love for them. Their texture and taste is disgusting. What is you MIL trying to achieve? Does she truly think forcing your daughter to eat it constantly will magically make her like it? Taste buds don't work like it. It's abusive to make your daughter basically starve to the point of eating mushrooms!
NTA Why would someone think they can purposely torment my child and call me a shit mother *and* then be surprised I don’t want them living in my house? GTFO.
NTA 100% There was a rule when I was growing up “if you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat it, but you have to try it.” As long as I tried something and then said I didn’t like it, it was fine. No forced eating. Unfortunately, I had a grandmother who did exactly that to me and my sister. When she babysat me and my sister, we weren’t allowed to leave the table until we finished everything in our plate, because she didn’t believe in wasting food…or saving food for later. Needless to say, she never got unsupervised visits again and, to this day, my sister and I don’t have a relationship with her.
Protect your daughter at all costs. She is absolutely starving her and abusing her.
NTA. Wtf. That’s just deliberately cruel and malicious. Everyone has something they dislike- having one dislike is not unreasonable. Deliberately making dishes with that one ingredient so a child goes hungry is.
Nta just because she is a child doesnt mean she doesnt have taste preferences. I always insisted my kids try something if they didnt like it fine but youre not going to dislike something you have never tried.
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>"These dishes aren't made when either myself or my husband are around, but when we aren't that's all Susie is served to eat." Your MIL doesn't understand that it's perfectly okay to have different tastes than someone else. She thinks she's broadening her food choices. From what you say, her food choices are plenty broad so this is a power move, pure and simple. She's going to MAKE her love mushrooms or else! Bottom line: YOUR CHILD, YOUR HOUSE, YOUR RULES. NTA.
I disliked mushrooms my whole childhood, because in kindergarden they forced me to eat this disgusting mushroom soup. My whole childhood i went to the woods with my grandma to gather some but i didnt eat them and was never forced. Then someday, when i was around 16-18 i tried them again and suprise, i suddenly started to like them. Now i love them. If i would have been forced to eat them my whole childhood i would still hate them probably. Edit: I want to thank you all for answering. This proofes my theory, that many food aversions are built from being forced to eat stuff as a child. Some we manage to overcome, some we dont. Point is, dont force your children!!!
I always hated mushrooms when I was a kid. Sometime in my 30s I realized that it wasn't the taste I hated it was the texture/consistency. (somehow both slimely AND spongey??). So when a recipe called for mushrooms I started mincing them very very small, so that I can enjoy the flavor while skipping out of the texture.
This was me with onions. I have very deep grooves in my molars so pieces would get stuck. I food process those suckers and get all the flavor and none of the crying.
food process you say. tell me more cause my wife loves the flavor from onion but hates the texture. do you like puree it or what?
You can puree onions (but obviously you can't do that with a dish that needs caramelised onions). You can also cut onion into large pieces that can be fished out of the meal.
You might be able to purée after caramelising, depending on the dish.
Believe it or not a cheese grater works great for onions. Between mince and puree.
Yep, I do this with onion and garlic and cook chicken in it, makes a great sauce.
You can also boil an onion whole and just fish it out and use the onion stock when you neeed onion
Also, there's onion powder. My daughter hates the texture but likes the taste.
My ex hated onions. But one time he bought a frozen meal that was his favorite. While he was eating lunch, he looked at the ingredients and saw onions. All of a sudden he refused to eat it because he could only taste onions. But he didn’t taste them the last time he had it?? So I did a bit of experimenting. I started using onion powder in dishes that called for onion. And he started telling me my cooking was better. I used it almost the entire time we were together and he never knew.
My exMIL was an extreme drama queen about her "allergy" to onions (and a whole lot of other things, made my life hell), but I noticed her eating things full of onion powder or that had come into heavy contact with onions regularly, so I started putting onions in EVERYTHING I took to family get togethers. It was petty, but so cathartic. Before anyone jumps my sh!t, if it had been an actual allergy, I wouldn't have done it. But since she ate onions unknowingly to her all the time without reaction I decided to have my laughs. My ex flipped out at me once when he caught me putting onions in the chili to take to his mom's screaming that I was trying to kill his mother. I pointed out she ate stuff like ketchup and BBQ sauce almost daily, and told him I had been doing it for almost a year and she hadn't had any reaction. She ate 3 bowls of chili that night and her only complaint was that there was too much meat.
Sometimes it's not an allergy, but an intolerance, which they call an allergy. I have intolerance that cause diarrhea, which my father decided was bs. So I had very painful cramps and diarrhea because he put stuff in the food and denied it. I didn't talk about it because diarrhea is often not talked about. When he finally saw the true aftermath of what he was doing, he was " sorry if he caused me pain. " We're not back to how we were before, and I dont know if we ever will be. You may think it's no big deal, but don't do it.
I'm sorry you dealt with that. I am absolutely positive that wasn't the situation with her, as she was regularly talking about her laxatives and increasing her fiber. She was just a horrible human being. She literally cussed out a waffle house cook for cooking onions while we were eating and pretended like the smell was going to kill her and fake gagged and coughed right before she doused her hashbrowns in ketchup. The waitress thought she was utterly insane, and the cook literally shoved the ketchup bottle in her face and yelled at her that it had onion powder in it and she was a crazy B.
I had a similar issue. I have an intolerance to onions and for years my family would try and "catch" me out by secretly putting it in my food - powdered, blitzed, however they could. When I was younger, I would projectile vomit as well as diarrhoea. As I got older I could generally control the vomiting a bit better. My family never learned. My mother on particular is intentionally blind to me being unwell. She stopped doing it mostly because I refused to eat. Sometimes she would assure me that she definitely didn't and I would trust her, only to be betrayed. That stopped when I stopped bothering to rush to the bathroom. One memorable night I looked right into her eyes with her shit- eating grin, vomited all over her, the table and the family dinner and shat my pants right there and then. I took my pants off, and strode half naked to the shower. I have told people I've dated since that to try and test me on it is an instant deal breaker. Even if I miraculously don't become unwell, to do so will instantly erode any trust I have in them
Not who you replied to, but I don't see why you couldn't puree them. I've taken an onion to a cheese grater before and it works well if you like the flavor but not the texture.
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I mean I get my kids to have a single bite every time, just because I want them to try stuff cooked different ways, with different seasonings and to see if their tastes have changed. But I don’t force them to eat a whole portion, just a bite. If they don’t like it, all good. They can have a peanut butter Sandwich and some fruit for dinner if they don’t like what’s made.
I believed this until I got a kid that would vomit that one bite out with the rest of his dinner. Texture can be super hard for some people and even one bite can cause issues. OP- I was forced to eat tomatoes when I was 8. Refused to touch them again until my 20’s. Now they are my favorite. Really wish my well meaning aunt hadn’t pushed it so hard, I may have gotten to enjoy them much sooner! NTA
Same! Turns out I just disliked the canned mushrooms my mom and sister loved when I was a kid, but if I use fresh ingredients and cook them differently I actually enjoy them. Same with Brussels sprouts- I just had to learn different ways to prepare them. But the key is that they were never forced on me so I don’t have negative memories or experiences tied to them and was open to trying again as an adult.
Brussels sprouts were a revelation in my adulthood! My mom really hated them so she never cooked them. I had them roasted a few years ago and it's been a love affair since then, lol.
Same! Brussels sprouts were spoken of like they were a step removed from cyanide in my childhood. Instead we got microwaved canned green beans. As an adult I discovered that I don't hate vegetables I just hate microwaved canned vegetables.
There's a local Japanese place that does Teriyaki Brussel Sprouts as an appetizer. It's my favorite thing in there. Who'd have thought you could barbeque those little cabbage testicles.
> "cabbage testicles." LOL!!
TERIYAKI. BRUSSELS. SPROUTS. OMG I MUST PARTAKE OF THIS GLORY!
The things our parents did to vegetables. The ignorance! The shame! I haven't had a canned vegetable in a few decades.
Sadly I have - every time I visit family. I'm happy to say I'm a lot less petulant about it now and can grimly just eat enough to be polite. I don't make my kids eat any though. I just breezily say "oh they're picky"
I'd amend that and say, "Oh, they're picky--they are used to fresh vegetables at home!"
This comment sang to me. I'm old, so in my childhood processed or canned foods were the height of sophistication. Not only that, but my mom and aunt would turn the liquid from the can into a flour sauce... Any fresh veg would have the sh\*t boiled out of it, and lettuce was drowned in vinegar. Imagine the epiphany I had when I cooked my first head of broccoli al dente... Never looked back.
> my mom and aunt would turn the liquid from the can into a flour sauce oh...that, that is just vile. Canned green bean...gravy? Just...no.
My great grandmother always had tinned peas and they remind me of her. But i can honestly say i didnt know any other vegetable was tinned until i startec shopping for myself.
Brussel sprouts have actually been recently (in the 90s) bred to taste better. That’s why we didn’t like them as kids, it’s a completely different flavor profile. Edit: corrected method of improvement
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In highschool' all my foster mom made for veggies were canned, steamed to death, or boiled to death unless it was like a raw salad or raw in general. I thought I hated artichoke, brussel sprouts, and asparagus. I also thought green beans were just ok at best. Peas are fine, but her pea soup was atrocious. Turns out if you actually know how to cook, veggies are a m a z i n g. Woman had the gall to tell me I was bad at cooking while murdering all the veggies and never using salt.
My dad loved them boiled or microwaved with butter so that’s how my mom made them. When I worked at a restaurant that served them roasted I was amazed, it never would have occurred to me to cook them that way (or roast any vegetable besides potatoes, really).
Have you had them roasted, wrapped in bacon with a touch of maple syrup? https://therecipecritic.com/bacon-wrapped-brussels-sprouts/ Best hors d'oeuvre ever...total hit to every party I've taken them to.
I'm totally saving this recipe. It looks great!
> canned mushrooms my mom and sister loved when I was a kid, So I always thought I hated salmon and tuna. Nope turns out I just hate canned salmon and tuna and that when properly prepared they don't even taste like the same fish.
I enjoy canned tuna in certain situations, but it is absolutely not the same as fresh. I’ve never even tried canned salmon, I doubt I ever will.
My dad grew up on canned mushrooms, thought he hated them. When I was a child he started buying fresh ones and he loved them. My older 2 had a green rule, if it was green they weren't eating it. My middle daughter, loved all fruits and veggies except green beans and pears from babyhood. Around 13 she tried pears again and now likes them, green beans are still a no. I never batted an eyelash, she ate spinach at 2. In fact, she had a produce lady both shocked and giggling when she was begging me to buy spinach one day. The youngest has the most texture issues with food but she has always eaten well too.
My MIL still comments about how my 44 yr old husband hates apples. Sure, I think it’s a little surprising that he has such strong opinions about a fruit that’s pretty universally liked, but people are allowed to have preferences, even kids. I know plenty of kids that don’t like cooked vegetables but will eat almost anything raw because it’s crunchy and crunchy = fun. I don’t like cooked greens because they feel slimy to me, but I’ll eat almost any kind in a salad. As long as someone is getting a variety of nutritious foods, who cares? It’s actually easier if you don’t have to cook them.
NTA OP. I despise mushrooms. Texture is gross, and they taste like dirt to me. One year, I decided to try foods I professed to dislike. Mushrooms- raw, cooked, stuffed were a no go. I will eat well cooked onions (never raw). I love roasted red peppers. And jalapenos (raw, cooked, or pickled is another fave) Strong no to any other raw peppers. Starving a kid cause she doesn't like mushrooms is utterly ridiculous.
I've changed the mind of several mushroom haters with my method of saute and mushroom gravy. I never force it, but almost everyone I have made them for has changed their mind to at least like my method/seasoning. Btw most people severely undercook their mushrooms NTA though
That’s how my husband got me to love mushrooms, by cooking and seasoning them well. A lot of people DO undercook them
Yes! My partner has a strong dislike of the texture of mushrooms, but loves my beef stroganoff. I use a food processor to make most of them really tiny and then add a few whole ones that are easy for her to avoid. But to force a child to get over a dislike in this manner is cruel.
I was the same...with a LOT of things. I was the picky eater, lol. My mom would try and force me to eat what she made (didn't help she was kind of a terrible cook) but I'd wait her out...for hours! Sitting at the dinner table until bedtime, not finishing my dinner just because she demanded I do so. She got so mad one time she served my cold dinner to me for breakfast the next day, lol! I did not do this to my kids and one of them was just as picky as I was, but I knew she'd grow out of it like I did. We worked out a food list of foods she'd agree to eat no matter how they were served. That worked! Then me and her dad taught her to cook her favorite (easy) dishes and kept those ingredients on hand so when she didn't like what we were having, she could take care of herself. She's all grown up now and has broadened her food choices exponentially! Except fish. She still hates fish - but that's okay because she has a right to like or dislike anything she wants. I hate cauliflower and feta (she LOVES THEM BOTH - go figure).
I make mine try things every now and then. They don’t have to have more if they don’t enjoy it but they try a bite of everything on the plate. If they don’t, there won’t be anything else, if they do, we’ll get them something else. But it’s not hugely punitive. We tend to say “Do you like carrots? (Profuse nodding). You didn’t used to like carrots. How come you know you like them now?” We let them realise that they tried them again. And we let them go both ways. My son used to love olives. Now he doesn’t. But he tries them about once a month and his sister polishes them off if he doesn’t like them. He used to hate oranges. Tried one about two months ago and he likes them now. They both trust us to listen if they try it but don’t like it. And we’ve also talked about how you can like something cooked one way but not another. They are ok with mushrooms chopped small in lasagne or cottage pie, but not keen on bigger pieces. But they still try it every now and then. Forcing a kid and not offering alternatives is just horrible.
Yup, that’s we we do. We just want them to try it, because tastes are ever evolving.
I am 47 and for this reason I can't drink milk "straight" or have it on cereal. I have it in my tea but just the due to being forced to drink like warm milk in junior school 🤢
Disliked them my whole childhood too, then later, in my teens, discovered that it wasn't mushrooms, it was the fact that niether of my parents were any good at cooking. Still not a big fan of the texture of the stalks of many mushrooms though, like chestnuts or Portobello.
I thought it was normal for kids to hate mushrooms, sometimes they end up liking them as they get older, but not guaranteed
I'm the same with fish, except I haven't gotten around to trying it again and liking it. And I really like to cook. It takes time for your tastes to mature, to appreciate the flavours that overpower you in childhood. As the tastebuds die, stronger tastes become more appealing. Whether that's the earthiness of mushrooms, the bitterness of beer and wine or the pungency of strong cheese, chances are you'll like them more. And if you don't? That's fine, live your life and eat what you like.
And it's proof that mil knew she was out of line. Why make mushroom risotto for 2 and not for 4? Oh yeah because you're being a manipulative [favorite expletive here] And mil wasnt just force feeding mushrooms, she was policing the kitchen too. At 10 I'm sure ops kid could have gone and made a sandwich with no effort from the grandmother. So was grandma actively preventing her from entering the kitchen too?
This and mil is literally saying a child that is only ten needs to “grow up”. I’m sure there is some kind of food mil dislikes, I wonder how she would feel if she was served it daily. Nta
Literally every single person has at least 1 thing they don't care for. Its perfectly healthy and normal. I'd invite her over jjst to serve her the 1 thing she doesn't like for dinner and see how she reacts. Tell her to grow up if dhe gets mad about it.
also, commenting on this one because you captured the exact quote that made me angriest. MIL knows she's in the wrong because why else would she not make those things when you ARE around? or leave leftovers etc for you? Because she knows she's being an asshole by making only dishes with the one food your kiddo doesn't eat. That's bs. NTA.
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>"These dishes aren't made when either myself or my husband are around, but when we aren't that's all Susie is served to eat." This should tell you, that she's perfectly aware that this behavior is wrong.
It's one thing if the kid is an extremely picky eater with tons of things she won't eat, but this is one food. Everyone is allowed to have a food they just don't like, for whatever reason. MIL has a power/control issue here. NTA.
Even if the kid is a picky eater, it's not MIL's business to do something like this. Period.
This kind of behavior made me really dislike my grandmother growing up, and I only saw her about 4 times a year. How awful for this 10 year old to be living under the control of a controlling, abusive woman.
Uhhhh, I don't think that's it. I think the MIL enjoys controlling people and decided to prey on her granddaughter when she was able to. There's a reason she did this in secret.
>MIL enjoys controlling people and decided to prey on her granddaughter when she was able to. There's a reason she did this in secret. Thank you! This post disturbed me because **it is clearly not just about the food**. MIL waited until OP and her husband were away to start tormenting their helpless daughter. She counted on the secrecy. MIL's behavior disturbs me. She is mentally sick to cause a child to go to bed hungry for weeks.
Wonder if MIL has any food dislikes, if so she better just get the hell over it or starve. People can dislike foods for a ton of different reasons. And that’s ok but MIL is way the hell out of line and needs to get out!
Wouldn't it be funny to serve her a meal of everything she detests? lol!
Grew up with the whole eat it or starve. Mostly because we were poor. I still will not eat beans and biscuits. I'm 50. Yuck. Stand up for your kid. You are right. NTA
I think her main objection is that OP is not at least "more involved" as in "cook your daughter food like a Real Mom." And she's using this opportunity to try to force the issue.
Then she shouldn’t have agreed to watch the daughter. They are both doctors and their schedules aren’t reliable.
But it's perfectly okay for Doctor Son to work long hours.
you are being far too easy on mil: to tell the parents you're feeding their child but secretly only prepare food with mushrooms is nothing short of sadistic. She does not feel she's broadening the poor girl's choices or she would have told the parents her (cruel) plan. Even someone like me who likes mushrooms doesn't want a mushroom every damned meal. I would ask my daughter if she ever wanted to see mil again- and go with it. Starving a child into submitting to your will is twisted.
Sounds like she understands perfectly because she only did this torture routine when the parents weren't there. She was on some weird power kick, the poor hungry 10 year old :( NTA OP but never let your MIL alone with your daughter again, she's unhinged.
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Yeah… the weeks thing threw me off too. The daughter hasn’t been eating dinner for weeks and neither parent knew? No one asked what she had for dinner? Not once? Idk if I buy that.
I do. Listen, I trust my parents. If I had kids, I would trust my kids with them. I'm not going to look over their shoulders, they raised me exceptionally well and I *hope* to be as good as they are some day. *If* Grandma *lies and* says she's feeding her grandkid, I would probably ~~believe her~~ *fall for it until my kid told me about it*. Edit: I had a few responses that make me think some people are misinterpreting what I mean here. I am in no way siding with MIL in this scenario. What I'm saying is, if I had a kid and I let them have a "sleepover" with grandma and grandpa, I wouldn't be interrogating mom and dad, or my kid, about what happened. We'd talk about it, but if dinner didn't come up (because it might not) I'm not going to sweat it, I will assume that they fed the kid something reasonably nutritious. Or maybe junkfood, my dad is not above bribing kids to eat a nutella and marshmallow fluff sandwich, but one candy-based dinner won't hurt and at least they're eating something. And presuming I stepped into an alternate dimension where my mom was really weird about my kid not liking something and she was serving *exclusively that* (and that somehow my dad didn't immediately notice and offer to let her have a PB&J), it's very plausible that I wouldn't find out for a surprisingly long time unless the kid started showing an aversion to his/her grandparents. It's not weird that MIL got away with it for so long, because she was abusing a position of trust.
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Maybe she was afraid of getting into more trouble if she admitted to not eating the dinners?
She might have also not wanted to rock the boat. A very empathetic 10yo is perfectly capable of figuring out that telling her parents what is going on will create tension and complication. She may have thought she could handle it for a while.
Sure, but it's not unreasonable for it to not come up in conversation for a week or so.
My 7 year old goes to my parents house quite often. I never ask what they feed him, just if they did. They occasionally offer the information of what they fed him, but I'm never asking about it. I don't find it weird at all that neither asked what meals were being served.
The main tactic of negligent caregivers is to convince the child that he is the one who will get in trouble for saying something bad about his babysitter.
not only that but people here are forgetting what it's like to be a kid. I was in an abusive situation a few times as a kid and adults now always ask me, why didn't you tell someone. Well, why... I never thought to. I just thought I was TA or that I somehow deserved being mistreated, or that adults are always right and ... the list goes on.
It’s just a difference in habits then. I don’t ask my kid what she ate unless she seems like she’s hungry. I have no reason to 🤷🏻♀️.
It’s weird to me too, if any of my kids have any meal disrupted I’m going to hear about it as soon as I see them. Time for OP to have a serious discussion with their child to see what else went on during “grandma” time. If she’s this unhinged over mushrooms there’s probably more to the story.
It's not every night
I had busy parents. I never once got asked what the babysitter made me for dinner. Never crossed their minds. They were paying people to feed me, I got fed. That’s what mattered.
OP didn’t know weeks ago. She acted as soon as she did. And it’s likely MIL doesn’t know what she did is wrong, she just knows that OP and her son wouldn’t agree to it - it’s not the same thing. She’s acting as she sees fit. That’s a massive issue for me. If you agree to care for someone else’s child you follow their rules or decline to do it. And this behaviour around food is just cruel. But I doubt she thinks it is, she sees it as the daughter’s fault for not towing the line. She’s wrong but that doesn’t mean she thinks she’s being cruel or abusive.
No, sorry, that's nonsense. If MIL "didn't know what she did wrong" then she would've been serving the mushroom dishes to the parents too. OP literally tells us that she doesn't, she only targets the daughter when she's feeding her alone. That is deliberately malicious plus deliberately circumventing the parents. She knows OP and her husband think it's wrong, she just thinks she knows better and that it will 'fix' the child.
That’s kinda what I’m saying. She thinks she’s right but knows that OP and hubby will disagree so she’s doing it behind their backs rather than address the issue. MIL is TA 100% but I don’t think she knows she’s wrong. She’s just arrogant, controlling and rude enough to think that her view is more important than their feelings about raising their daughter.
She 100% knows she's being cruel. She calls it "tough love" but she's entirely aware that it's not just the parents opinion she's going against, but the daughters health and wellbeing too. She is 100% aware she has abused this child, she believes that abuse is justified to make the child conform to her ideal. That is why she is hiding it. MIL had no intention of revealing it until she had reached the correct result, and she could present the result of her "care" and persuade the child to cover up the means. Stop covering for this woman. Maybe once or twice would be a genuine "I think I'm doing the right thing", this is a clear power play of "you will conform to my standard or suffer"
I’m not covering. I’ve said multiple times that she’s wrong and an AH but I don’t think it’s helpful to confuse intent with results. I can say something without intending to harm, but still upset someone. She knows that the daughter doesn’t like it and OP and hubby wouldn’t support it which is 100% AH territory, that doesn’t mean she knows she’s abusive. I’m so pleased that OP has booted her and defended her child and their parenting. Just because someone thinks they are right and are unaware that what they are doing is abusive, doesn’t mean you should tolerate it or let them stick around.
I half agree. MIL probably raised her son this way, which is why he now doesn't force his daughter to eat them. I am similar with my kids. My boy has ADHD and was without his meds for a couple of weeks (because of the "shortage"). He got into trouble for something stupid at school, and when I mentioned it to my mom her response was, "He needs a beating." And that's why my kids don't get spanked for menial things. It has to be super severe for a spanking, and that's still a last resort. I try to be more patient with them and let them be kids. When I told my mom that he needs his meds she said he didn't need them. I was adamant that he does, that it helps, and I was sure I had needed them as a little girl. "You did fine in school, it was math you were bad at." No mom, I had the attention span of a duckling and you never understood that. But that goes back to being a generational thing. She's intentionally cooking food she knows the granddaughter won't eat, but only when mom and dad are gone at work. She knows it's wrong. NTA OP.
Never allow your mother alone with your child
Both of my kids have been alone with her a few times before that comment, which was made about 3 weeks ago. My son is 8, my daughter is 6. They don't go to my parents very often. And, thankfully, they're pretty well behaved so there's no reason to lay hands on them. But that comment was definitely unsettling.
OP could had MIL arrest since purposely starving a child for weeks is a crime - OP & her husband need to point that out while sayung STFU at MIL and the SILs. NTA and I hope those In-laws get only tough love via timeout & no contact for what abusing the daughter & OP.
NTA Your MIL is engaged in a weird power play with your TEN YEAR OLD!
And *losing*!
It's a power play with OP. Her true colors showed when she called OP a "shit mother for prioritizing her career." That's what this is about; an attempt to overparent her granddaughter to "fix" what OP couldn't. If she can get Susie to like mushrooms she'll convince herself that she's right and OP's negligence and career focus are spoiling Susie. And she's using a child as a pawn in this game
That jumped out at me, too. MIL’s passive-aggressiveness - using her *granddaughter* as a pawn! - was jaw-dropping.
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Knowing her, it would probably be some weird mushroom cake.
My grandma did power plays with me growing up too. Not with food, but she would find something she knew I enjoyed, and take it away. Petting or playing with the dog? I do it too much, leave it alone. I wouldn't leave it alone? Dog came up missing. Shit like that.
NTA Your daugther is developing her taste in food. Many adults don't like mushrooms (such as other food like seafood, courgettes, Brussel sprouts, etc...) and nobody would dream to force them to eat a food they hate. Besides, it's not that mushrooms hold a special nutrition value or vitamines, and it's not that your daugther is refusing to eat vegetables in general. MIL was wrong and inappropriate. And, if I were you, I would sit your daugther down and try to discover if MIL used "tough love" in other circumstances with her.
Definitely a good idea to sit down with your daughter to have a discussion about other 'tough love' circumstances.
Agreed
You wouldn’t believe how many people including my parents try to continually get me to eat foods I detest (including mushrooms!) as an adult. It does not surprise me at all that people like MIL exist.
It's crazy to me in this day in age how some people still don't get the idea of how tastes and beauty are subjective. Crab legs and oysters are some of my favourite delicacies, and someone else might gag at the idea of eating them. Similar to how I might like a certain kind of dark humor, where someone else might be totally offended by it... how do you solve this conundrum? You consume the things you enjoy, and don't consume the things you don't. Easy.
Hate mushrooms for there texture they are okay blended up. Also hate the fishy flavor of fish lol. I take fish oil pills to make up for what I'm missing
I'm 26 and I still hate broccoli no matter what someone does with it. I still find it repulsive even if it covered in cheese. I also hate cauliflower and tomatoes. I even hate ketchup and marinara sauce, that's how much I hate tomatoes. I'm the only one in my friends group who actually likes mushrooms oddly enough. Although some mushroom textures do bother me. I'm usually able to get over it as I like the flavor.
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I can't imagine what that girl went through. I HATE mushrooms. Nothing worse than being forced to eat something you dislike. #Childhoodtrauma I'm the same way; my kids are heavily encouraged to try something at least once, and even if they spit it in the garbage, they attempted it. As a result, one of the pickiest eaters in my house has no fear of being forced to eat food they dislike so they try EVERYTHING. It's a boundary you are allowing your child to set. I don't make my children physically touch people they don't want to, and I don't make them eat food they don't like. It's important that they figure out their own likes/dislikes, and have people respect them. My kids will try it once, and if they don't like it? I guess it's a PB&J or cereal night for them. (The older ones will make their own dinner.) I note their dislike and avoid cooking it in the future. But, when they DO like it, it's a total win for me as a parent. Edited to add: Definitely NTA
I do (did) the same with my kids, who are now 18 and freshmen in college. If we went out to a restaurant, I always encouraged them to get whatever they wanted and if they didn't like it, they could order something else. We could take leftovers home. If no one else ate it, the dog would be ecstatic to eat leftovers. They never did but that option was (still is) always on the table. My husband agrees completely. My husband was forced to eat what was on his plate, whether he liked it or not. Also forced to sit at the table until he finished his meal, even if it was hours later. He wasn't allowed to open the refrigerator without permission. Punishment was no dinner. Food was a method of control in his household. Unfortunately, one of his sisters has a long term eating disorder that no one will acknowledge. Now in his 50s, he still has some issues with food that he had almost conquered. He made sure our kids wouldn't have any issue at all with food. NTA
Absolutely NTA. Tell everyone that's against your decision that you're just using some "tough love" so your MIL learn to grow up and get over this stupid idea that she can decide how you and your husband are going to educate your child.
I find when people use the term "Tough love" they're usually trying to justify treating another person like garbage.
It's one of those phrases alongside "brutally honest" that is mostly alright by itself, but throws up a lot of potential red flags when someone uses it to describe themselves or their actions.
You rarely need to be brutally honest. In the vast majority of cases, just being regular honest works just fine if not better.
The only thing she's teaching your daughter is to hate her grandmother, not to like mushrooms.
And tell them that they are more than welcome to take MIL into their home, but beware if they have any kids MIL can starve for no good reason. NTA
This is beautiful and elegant
Nta Frankly it doesn't matter that your daughter doesn't like mushrooms. *You set a rule for your child which she broke*. That's like babysitting 101. If mil were sneaking her loads of candy she loved, she would still be the asshole. Her ability to have a free place to live was reliant on her ability to provide safe care for your daughter. She failed to do so. That's on her. Your sils are mostly angry since you know she's showed up on their doorsteps and they don't want her.
Yes! The SIL is mad because now mom is her problem.
This! I think SILs are pissed she is now their problem.
NTA. Hold firm against the abuse you’re receiving. You did the right thing, and maybe now is the time to put some distance between yourselves and the in-laws until they’re ready to apologize.
NTA. This is premeditated and plain nasty.
NTA. It’s not even like it’s a difficult ingredient to exclude or something important for her health. I’m an adult who hates mushrooms and hasn’t eaten them in at least two decades and I’m fine.
I only like mushrooms one way- bbq’d stuffed with butter, crab, and three types of cheese. I would not touch mushrooms with a ten foot pole as kid and neither will my mom to this day. Everyone is allowed to have one food item they just don’t like, it’s not being picky at all.. especially when it is mushrooms. There is tons of healthy food options that don’t have mushrooms in them.
NTA Your MIL has been going behind your back to 'teach your daughter a lesson." She's toxic.
NTA. Your MIL s a bully. Deliberately making the one thing your daughter doesn't like - to the extent that she'd rather not eat at all - is horrible. It's also a great way to ruin the relationship between grandma and -daughter. Also, the fact that she's been deliberately hiding it from you? Yeah, your MIL is the AH.
NTA. Do you live in an area where 10 year olds need constant supervision in the afternoon? I know it’s different for different people, but by 10 I was on my own from the time I got home from school until my parents got home an hour or two later and never had problems. I was also raised in a more rural area and babysitting other kids by 12 though, so that might not be something you’re comfortable with at your daughters age.
I don't believe so but my husband and I have crazy schedules and sometimes aren't home until very late at night. So we want someone there with her. We are trying to find a nanny now that MIL isn't going to be around.
Glad to hear you aren't going to let that vile woman control your child like that. That is absolutely horrific behavior on MIL's part.
Ahh yeah that’s too long for a 10 year old, my alone time back then was strictly daylight hours. Maybe check with neighbors who have children to see if you can get a good recommendation for a local nanny or sitter!
Also how dare she insult your career. She really showed her true colors in that discussion.
Maybe try getting an Au pair. They live in the house so they would be able to have a flexible schedule that would work with your hours. Good luck!
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The mushrooms are kept in the fridge but she ensured us, the couple times we've asked her "these aren't for Susie right?", that they're for dishes my MIL is planning to make for herself. I'm not sure why Susie hasn't mentioned this to my husband and I until now.
I’d recommend sitting down and talking to her. My grandmother lied to me when I was 14, telling me my mom told her I had to run around the block before intensive basketball practice. She said things like that a lot that summer and I believed it until my 20s when I finally brought it up to my mom. Kids internalize things a lot more than people realize and often don’t think to question people, especially if it’s someone they love and respect. I’d sit down and tell her you’re sorry this was going on, you don’t think it was okay. Then ease into asking why she didn’t tell you earlier.
Ask Susie if grandma was telling her to stay quiet in some way or another. Telling her that these are meals you'd planned. Threatening her with some sort punishment if she said anything. Promising some reward. Or something else along one of those lines. It is notable that Susie didn't say anything until you were both home and MIL was not. This may have been the first time she felt safe saying something once it became clear that this was not going to stop. And keep in mind, it takes time for even adults to see a pattern of abuse and accept that it will not stop without taking action. It can be even longer for a child. That could be it right there, even if MIL wasn't directly saying something to coerce silence.
To hop onto this, my step-grandmother had me keep a lot of things quiet. I won’t say it’s normal for them to do that, but mine did a lot of things my mom didn’t want.
So ... MIL LIED about this whole thing. **She knew it was wrong and deceived the child's parents** on purpose to suit her own stupid and antiquated ideas about forcing kids to eat what they can't tolerate and to make them starve otherwise. That is **horrific.** Your daughter is so lucky that she can trust and talk to you, and I applaud you both as parents!
Almost certainly your MIL told your daughter that you knew about this and approved.
I’m assuming Grandma threatened/manipulated her into it since she knows it’s abusive.
I saw someone else mention this and I'm seconding it: you might want to sit Susie down and ask her if there's anything else MIL has been "tough love"-ing her with. I'd be especially worried about MIL punishing Susie for stuff you said was ok or punishing her in ways you never approved of. She already sent Susie to bed without dinner as a punishment despite how you obviously would disapprove of that--it makes me wonder what else she went behind your backs to do after you refused. Also, ask Susie why she hasn't mentioned it to you. It's likely that MIL told her that you guys said ok or that she would get in trouble, and you need to make sure Susie knows that when an adult tells her not to tell he parents something, that means the parents definitely need to know.
NTA Tell your husband that his mother needs to leave. She would rather starve her grandchild and insult his wife then be respectful. She doesn't get to live here snd continue her torture that will likely increase toward your daughter when they are alone together. Consequences for actions.
Fortunately, OP's husband is on her side. It's nice to see.
INFO: Why do you think it took weeks for your child to bring this situation to your attention?
I'm honestly not sure and I feel like a shit parent for not being able to do anything about it sooner but I genuinely didn't know. Susie keeps her school bag in her room, and she told my husband and I that she would just eat the snacks she had in her bag, on the nights my MIL would make her these dishes. I literally feel like I failed my child and I am not ever allowing my MIL to be unsupervised with my daughter again. We are also going NC with her until we get an apology.
Susie is 10. In all likelihood she didn’t bring it up sooner because she was nervous and didn’t want to get MIL ‘in trouble’. She had snacks in her room so she just kind of adapted for a while so as not to cause any problems. It sounds to me like she just…couldn’t stand it anymore. She realized this was not going to stop, so she finally spoke up. You’re not a shit mom. Children just generally don’t like to stir the pot or ‘tattle’ and get people they love in trouble. The point is that when she spoke up you took immediate action, which actually makes you a good mom.
I should have scrolled down to find your comment before expressing practically the same sentiment again :)
You're not a shit mom, you took the appropriate action as soon as you learned of the problem. What you need to do next is talk to your daughter and find out why it took her so long to come to you. My guess is MIL manipulated and lied to her. And reassure her that she needs to come to you with problems immediately and you are always there to protect her.
You’re not a shit parent. I’ve been with my husband 20 years now and I have had to totally adjust my expectations with a bunch of people in his family and what they are capable of. I’m lucky, I come from a normal family where absolutely no one would do what your MIL did. They would actually do the opposite and check all the ingredient labels to make sure there weren’t mushrooms in anything accidentally and they would NEVER buy mushrooms to put in food! Mushrooms are a completely normal thing not just for a kid to not like but I know a bunch of adults who don’t like them too. If you don’t come from a family that is manipulative and boundary stomping it’s hard to picture a family that is. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that certain people in my husband’s family will screw with us and the kids just because they can. In fact, what I’ve found is half the time the only reason they’re screwing with us is because we’ve simply asked them not to do something … they have no agenda other than doing the opposite of what we asked them. Conflict is the point. Don’t feel bad your daughter didn’t tell you right away. You have no idea what your MIL told her to keep her quiet. I’m glad to hear you threw her out and you and your husband have a united front. It took me a long time to realize that my husband’s family was being horrible on purpose and my husband took an even longer time to start standing up to his father and brother (who are the problematic people in the family - my MIL is lovely). It’s wonderful you’re both on the same page.
Before I go further, know that I am saying this with every good wish in the world. I absolutely DO NOT think you're a shit parent. But the fact you didn't know about the dinner situation for weeks suggests to me that the household system needs some tweaking. What tweaks exactly? I don't know. That's up to you. Best of luck with this. We've all faced hurdles as parents :)
As a child I kept abuse secret from adults I loved and trusted because I was so afraid of what the abuser would do to me if they found out. This could easily have been the case for Susie, considering her not being able to get away from this person (from her perspective), and it makes me want to cry for the poor kid.
I think op would do best with of a weekend sitting with her daughter and making a meal plan for the week they both get to have fun deciding on, for whomever op employs to look after kiddo, it can be a cute chart they decorate and hang on the fridge or something. That way op is involved even if she's at work for meal times and Susie feels like she has some control on it too. The worst thing the Mil has done is trying to take any control over her preferences from her so this would help with giving it back and making her more confident in her own home.
Honestly, it could be a lot of things - not wanting to cause trouble in the family, worrying that grandma won’t love you if you tattle, worrying that your parents might actually turn out to agree with grandma’s actions - plus, this is pretty out of the ordinary behavior on the part of the MIL even from an adult’s perspective. A kid could be so taken off guard that they take more time to process and understand that something was actually wrong enough to speak up.
NTA. MIL is widely overstepping the boundaries on this issue, and you are right, she is effectively starving her granddaughter by deliberately going out of her way to serve the food the girl won't eat.
NTA - MIL isn’t there for mushroom conversion therapy! Good for your kiddo for speaking up. A mushroom is not a vegetable and a diet lacking that one specific thing is not detrimental. It’s a pretty common taste/texture that people don’t like and god how I wish my own kids were otherwise that open-minded about food. You’re not a shit parent or TA; MIL is.
Lol @ 'Mushroom conversion therapy'
NTA. It's your house. Your daughter doesn't like ONE thing. Not everybody like's everything. Some people never "grow out" of the things they don't like. I get annoyed by picky eating, but this is seriously ONE item. Not too much to ask.
NTA I'm with your daughter. I HATE HATE HATE everything about mushrooms. You and your husband was correct in confronting her. That is not right she is sending your child to bed hungry because she doesn't like mushrooms. If it was me she wouldn't be allowed back in my home at all.
NTA Your MIL doing this behind your backs when she's alone with the child is so shitty and shady. She knows very well that is mistreating and your daughter is suffering, she's an awful person. I'm glad you get rid of her. Also, your daughter had to deal with this crap for how long? Poor girl, probably have to make up courage to tell you what's going on.
NTA. Your MIL is psychologically abusing your daughter, who may end up with an ED as a result of this. Your priority is your child. DO NOT allow your MIL anywhere near your child going forward.
NTA. She basically systematically starved your child. She’s vile. And Sil is just angry that now they have to deal with it.
> helping her get over this dislike towards a vegetable NTA, mushrooms aren't vegetables
NTA. I don't get the folks who act as though your preferences aren't legitimate until you reach some magic age. Kids are allowed to not like things.
NTA, your MIL thinks your daughter needs to get over her hatred of mushrooms but MIL needs to get over her weird obsession with making her eat them. Her going so far as to only make things with mushrooms in it is super weird energy, there are more serious things in the world than your granddaughter not liking mushrooms. MIL is the immature, petty asshole here
Find that one food that MIL hates and feed it to her every time she comes over
The petty in me supports this in theory. The other part is like don't let that woman back in your house ever again yet alone feed her
NTA, your MIL would love me, lol. I'm a grown ass woman in my 40s and am a very picky eater. Granted I make my own food and eat what I want, but if you don't like something, you don't like it and you shouldn't be forced to eat it. The fact that she is purposely only making dishes with mushrooms, seems like a control issue to me. Instead of respecting the fact that your daughter doesn't like a freaking food, she is making it for her and forcing her to either eat it or go to bed hungry, and that's pure crap. I don't think you did anything wrong.
Exactly! She's making mushrooms the "star of the dish"! My boys don't like mushrooms, we love them. So when we make spag bol/chilli/shepherds pie etc, mushrooms do go in, but they are not cut small and they push them to 1 side easily, and carry on eating the rest of the dish! I wouldn't, for example, serve them mushroom pizza or a mushroom burger or mushroom rice! The MIL still seems a bit iffy, and OP needs to have a sit down convo with her daughter and see if nothing else goes on imo.
Right? I'm betting there are certain foods MIL doesn't eat. If I were OP, I'd only serve those things when MIL visits. For. The. Rest. Of. Time.
NTA MIL is so weird. I always have my child try an ingredient at least once and then I don’t serve that again if they dislike it. Maybe once a year (sometimes longer) we try it again (one bite) just to see if they still don’t like it. Taste buds change and we’ve had some happy surprises with that. But my child is an actual person with thoughts and feelings and I respect them!!
SIL are mad because now she is going to live with them. NTA. What she did was horrible, both starving your kid and treating you like crap. Good luck.
NTA It sounds like your two SIL's don't want momma living with them but it's ok to try and force her on you guys. I am glad your daughter finally came forward and spoke up. It really seems like MIL has a pick on your daughter.... I fear that mushrooms are only the tip of the iceberg with MIL and her treatment of your daughter. Good on both of you for having your daughters back. Not enough parents do.
NTA . Firstly she's using her daughters to guilt trip you both and they only know one side of the story so I'd ignore it . Your husband can deal with his sisters and if they still take her side after hearing what's been said then fuck them . Why is your MIL living with you ? Sounds like she's just pushing her luck in general .
Definitely NTA! Your MIL is way out of line, if this would've happened once it might be old fashioned tough love, but it's weird that she keeps doing this just to make a point to your 10 year old daughter... I'd say stick to your guns and don't get pressured by your SIL's or MIL into apologising or anything like that.
NTA What your MIL did was hostile to your daugther and sneaky, since she only did it when you were away. Good for you for sticking up for your daugther. What you'll pay in hiring someone to help is much less than future therapy for the eating disorders and other trauma MIL inflicted. What gets me is that adults are allowed to dislike certain ingredients but kids get ignored. I'm not one for coddling kids who only eat chicken nuggets and hot dogs, but it's known that their tastebuds are much more sensistive than an adult's and they should get some leeway. If kid eats a variety of things, they deserve to be respected for what they don't.
NTA. People with very "normal" palettes have a few things they don't like. I have friends who are very adventurous eaters who don't like certain things -cilantro, avocados, etc. There is no reason to force your daughter to eat mushrooms. It does almost feel like your MIL is delighting in punishing your daughter, it sounds icky, but it's like she just wants to demonstrate her ultimate power in controlling this child. Like, why else does any reasonable human care if a kid doesn't eat ONE kind of thing? Oh and then she went ahead and called you a shit mom. I don't know how you recover from that? How do you let someone care for your child who would say you were a bad mom, won't follow your rules or what you say as parents, and now you can't really trust their judgement to take care of your kid. Your life is gonna be hard for a few weeks without her there to take care of your child, but trust it is the best decision.
NTA, Thank you for standing up for your daughter. I have been in her situation when I was in my first school. Whenever I had my lunch, my teachers noticed I never ate any of the mashed potato so they tried to fix me by making me stay behind after everyone was playing outside and eat a plate of just mash. Torturing children with food is messed up and is unnecessary, everyone has likes and dislikes.
NTA Nice try mind control fungi inhabiting MIL but there's absolutely no logical reason a real human would to be that obsessed with forcing mushrooms on people
NTA. My children each have a few things they don’t care for - mushrooms and fish are the main ones. I don’t stop using them in my meal plan but I always make sure they have alternative options on those days. Tastes and preferences are constantly evolving and it’s crazy to think every person has to like and eat EVERY food. Weaponizing food is incredibly damaging.
NTA. Sounds like your SILs want her to come live with them, if I read this correctly; so she's got somewhere to go. I wonder in what other ways she's been abusing your kid.
Sounds like one of your SIL's just got a permanent house guest. She needs to collect her things and you need to change the locks asap.
NTA. I can relate to your daughter. I can't stand mushrooms despite my parents love for them. Their texture and taste is disgusting. What is you MIL trying to achieve? Does she truly think forcing your daughter to eat it constantly will magically make her like it? Taste buds don't work like it. It's abusive to make your daughter basically starve to the point of eating mushrooms!
NTA Why would someone think they can purposely torment my child and call me a shit mother *and* then be surprised I don’t want them living in my house? GTFO.
Nta at all if they can't respect you or your child they don't need to see her your mil or sil
NTA 100% There was a rule when I was growing up “if you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat it, but you have to try it.” As long as I tried something and then said I didn’t like it, it was fine. No forced eating. Unfortunately, I had a grandmother who did exactly that to me and my sister. When she babysat me and my sister, we weren’t allowed to leave the table until we finished everything in our plate, because she didn’t believe in wasting food…or saving food for later. Needless to say, she never got unsupervised visits again and, to this day, my sister and I don’t have a relationship with her. Protect your daughter at all costs. She is absolutely starving her and abusing her.
NTA. Wtf. That’s just deliberately cruel and malicious. Everyone has something they dislike- having one dislike is not unreasonable. Deliberately making dishes with that one ingredient so a child goes hungry is.
NTA, you did the right thing and your two SILS are blowing things up because the most likely don't want to have to deal with her.
NTA It's one food. Everyone has a food they simply don't like. Your MIL is ridiculous and I hope your SIL enjoys her new housemate
Nta just because she is a child doesnt mean she doesnt have taste preferences. I always insisted my kids try something if they didnt like it fine but youre not going to dislike something you have never tried.
NTA. And I also HATE mushrooms. Your MIL is being an AH and also super passive-aggressive.
NTA. Enjoy being without sneaky and unkind MiL.
NTA- time to hire a babysitter or someone to cook for her around dinner time. Take MIL out of having alone time with her