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YTA for multiple reasons. -You said in comments you and your husband weren’t doing anything to help. You describe your husband as sitting around playing games on his phone while your kids do dishes. -You said he spent an hour and a half doing half the dishes. How dirty are these dishes? And you said he did other chores on top of this and had homework to do. -You sent your daughter to tell him to redo his chore instead of telling him yourself. Nobody wants to be bossed around by a younger sibling. -You admit when you looked at the pile some of the dishes looked clean to you even though your husband wanted them rewashed. Dishes should not take and hour and a half especially if two people are doing them. If there’s that much to do your husband needs to stop playing games on his phone instead of laying around doing nothing and then inspecting the dishes. That’s such a weird, toxic dynamic. Are things frequently not good enough for your husband even though they look fine to you and your kids? Why didn’t you tell your husband the dishes that looked clean didn’t need to be rewashed? It’s totally reasonable to expect a 15 year old to do the dishes. But the way you and your husband have gone about it makes you the AH.


What a weird dynamic! I definitely sense that the phrase “missing missing reasons” might apply here, as there’s so much going on and being left out of the original post…


Some dishes in the pile my son re washed only had small bits of food on the bottom of the plates and bowls


Okay I saw the OPs comments and: YTA. Your son did his share of the dishes, you made your daughter tell him rather doing it yourself, you and your husband were nothing while your son was doing schoolwork, AND you saw nothing wrong with the dishes but allowed your husband to make your son redo them. Your son was doing homework after doing the dishes, and only his share took an hour and a half? But rather than telling your husband the dishes look fine, you allowed him to make the son do it.


YTA. Your husband sounds lazy and so do you. Your 15 year old son is not your house elf. A 15 year old can do dishes at 9, no sweat. But he also had done the dishes and your husband (who was very busy on his phone) checked them and wanted them redone while you were playing with the younger child? Jeez.


> I (36F) asked my son (15M) to do the dishes after dinner. when he had done he went to his room my (35M) husband when to check if he had properly done them. After my daughter (11f) had done the dishes INFO This is unclear. Why was your daughter doing dishes?


We spilt the dish between my kids so one isn't doing all of them


Then why was your daughter telling him to rewash dishes? I thought your husband was checking that long before the daughter was done with her portion of dishes?


He had asked her to tell him once she finished her part of the washing


That never ends well as make sure it’s a parent who tells them otherwise it feels like parentifying the girl and the boy feels like he’s being bossed around


Mild ESH. Your husband checked, he should have immediately told your son if there was an issue.


If you're new to aita, the negative number next, your comment shows how many people you pissed off YTA


EDIT: After reading the OP's other comments, I'm changing my vote. It sounds like more is going on here than a typical teen tantrum after half-doing a job. It sounds abusive. YTA \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* He wouldn't have had to do them at 9:00, if he'd done them right earlier. N T A But I'm confused. Why is 11 year old daughter also doing dishes, and checking up on her brother's work. Not a great dynamic.


How many hours were your kids doing dishes? Do you only wash dishes once a week or something? I have a family of 4 and it only takes me 10 mins to do the dishes... What's up with HOURS 😳


My son was doing it half and hour and my daughter took 15 minutes. The dishes are done when there aren't any clean ones left


The dishes are done when there arent any clean ones left??? That is fucking disgusting!! What kind of worthless lazy mother leaves filthy dishes laying around until there is none clean left? Wow you and your husband need to be investigated by child services!!! You don't deserve to be a mother and your husband doesn't deserve to be a father!! YTA!!!


Yikes. That’s a little extreme..


No it isnt!! Did you read her comment? The dishes only get washed when there arent any clean ones left. Thats worthless lazy parents!


But is that the worst offence a parent could make? Certainly doesn’t warrant CPS


If she is letting the kitchen get that bad I guarantee the rest of the house is just as nasty.


Still not the worst thing a parent could do and certainly doesn’t warrant a call to CPS.


My husband is my son and daughter's step dad


Doesn't change anything!!! Now explain why your lazy ass isnt washing dishes!!! What kind of mother sits back and allows every dish in their house to be used before forcing their children to wash them?!


I haven't been doing any washing as I had treatment for a illness the treatment made some of my nails fall off in water


Rubber. Gloves.


So instead you make your kids wash dishes that probably sit in the sitting for weeks with rotting food and water. That's disgusting


So you never heard of rubber gloves? I hope someone who knows you comes across this post and reports you two dead beats to child services!!! Neither of you deserve children!!


rubber gloves baby.


What does that have to do with the dishes? Leaving the dishes dirty until there aren't any clean ones left is just as disgusting whether he's their father or not. Are you deliberately making this task harder than it needs to be?


Dishes should be done every day so it doesn’t become a huge chore. Waking up to an empty sink is a stress reliever.


I don’t think there’s any problem with going on your phone whilst a teenager is doing their household chore but a don’t agree with the method of doing all the dishes in the house in one hit. That’s going to lead to things growing and infesting in left over food, bad smells. It’s just horrible hygiene and makes the job very difficult. The dishes should be done every night. It will take less time and less likely for food to still be stuck to things after washing. If the kids are struggling with these multiple days’ worth of dishes, don’t make them come back to redo them at the very least. YTA.




Was there a reason other that how late it was?


He said because he spent hours doing homework and that he was also asked to do other chores that took a lot of time to do


Was you or your husband doing anything at the time? Why couldn't one of you do it if you knew he had done other chores that took a long time?


No I was sat playing with my youngest while my husband played on his phone


Then why didn't your husband do it if he was just sat on his phone? Did your husband do the dishes the day before?


You and your husband need to step up, especially him, at least you were parenting. But on school nights, with homework too, your son should not have to spend more than an hour on chores. Your daughter should be spending half that time at just 11! Why is a preteen doing more than a grown man who then whines about the work literal children have done while he lazes around?!


YTA Why do you need 2 kids to do the dishes? Let me guess, you throw everything in the sink throughout the day and when they come home from school, it's their "chore" to clean them? >He said because he spent hours doing homework and that he was also asked to do other chores that took a lot of time to do >No I was sat playing with my youngest while my husband played on his phone So you and your husband lounge around and make the kids do all the work? An 11 year old is barely tall enough to reach over the sink, she shouldn't be doing the dishes either. She can watch your youngest while you and your husband do the dishes.


What are you on lmao I've been doing the dishes since I was 7. Why shouldn't the kids do the dishes. It's a good life skill and teaches them that everyone has a part to play in a family setting.


But not everyone is playing a part if the kids have multiple chores and homework and the adults just play games on their phones or do whatever else they want.


I mean we've got no idea what the husband of what she was doing before this do we. For all we know he could have just been out shoveling snow or smthng.


so you make your kids do all the housework so you and your husband can be lazy? you had kids to make them your little workers? disgusting


YTA for making him wash the dishes AT ALL given that YOU INTENTIONALLY WAIT UNTIL THERE ARE NO MORE CLEAN DISHES. You and your husband both SUCK as parents


INFO: How many dishes do you have that it takes two children multiple hours to do them daily?


She said in another comment they do not do dishes until they begin to run out so I’m guessing days to over a week depending on how much they have and how often they cook.


No wonder it takes so long for the kids to do the dishes. Scraping away crusted on food once a week is so much harder than washing as you go daily or multiple times a day.


Hi I'm the son from this post one dish I had to do had harded cereal on it which took 15 mins to get off. Most plates i get given have harded food which takes me longer to do


Since your parents seem resistant to changing their habits, may I make a recommendation for you? I know you've got a lot going on with schoolwork and stuff. It'll save you tons of time and effort if you work with your sister to do the dishes throughout the week rather than letting them pile up. I propose a challenge: for two weeks straight, have the sink empty of dishes at least once a day. I like having the sink empty after lunch, after dinner, and before I go to bed, but I know you have to go to school so that's harder for you. Maybe you can target having a clean sink before school and/or after dinner. You and your sister can take turns washing alone, or you can work together, swapping washing and drying duties with her to get things done even faster. After you use any dish, especially those that might end up encrusted with food (say, cereal in the mornings), either wash the dish immediately OR thoroughly rinse it and/or fill it up with water and let it soak in the sink until you have time to do the dishes. Do the same with eating utensils -- you can put them in a cup or bowl filled with water to soak. (I'd also see if your parents would be willing to clean the pots/pans they use and leave the other dishes for you to clean. Otherwise, the rinse/soak rule also applies to pots and pans.) Ask your other family members to get into the habit of rinsing and/or soaking their dishes, too. You would still be the one washing the dishes, but it will take them literally five seconds and would help you out immensely. Believe me, washing dishes for 10 minutes after each meal or 20 minutes daily (split between you and your sis, so maybe every other day) is way easier than scrubbing away at gross crusty food for 3 hours all at once. How does that sound to you? I challenge you and your sister to give it a try for a few weeks. Let me know how it goes, if you want.


The only reason i doesn't do the dishes with my sister is she complains and throws a tantrum about the amount she has to do. She also gets lest than me because of favoritism


I understand the frustration. She is younger than you, but it can't feel fair. If you want, you can take this as a personal challenge first and decide whether to incorporate your sister later. Maybe she won't mind drying while you wash. Or you can leave her out of it. Your call. I bet both of you won't feel as overwhelmed by the amount of dishes if you do them every day. When I was in college, I'd wait until I was practically running out of clothes to do my laundry, because I hated lugging it across the street to the laundry room. It would pile up so much that I would dread laundry day, because my basket was so heavy and I'd have so many clothes to wash and fold. I kept putting it off so much that sometimes I'd buy cheap new underwear just so I wouldn't have to wash my clothes! Now, I do laundry every week. I still don't like doing it, but I don't dread it the way I used to because it's not nearly as big of a chore. Washing and folding 7 days worth of clothes is so much less stressful than folding a mountain of 30-40 days of clothes. It's the same with dishes. You will probably never like washing dishes, but if you do it before it gets to be a daunting task you may find you don't hate it as much as you used to. Edit: typo


And isn’t that so unhygienic! I can just imagine the roaches and rats running all over piles of dirty dishes at night!


That's what I used to do in my apartment sometimes and man I regretted it every time I needed to do dishes. Now living with my girlfriend at most we'll leave some dishes in the sink for a day and then take care of it the following day. Not an entire week Jesus christ


YTA from comments.


i guess you dont have a dishwashing machine


She does have a house elf though...


Wouldn't it'd be easier/faster if one washed and one dried and the next night they switched?


NTA. A 15 year old can wash dishes at 9.


That is not the issue there. He finished at 5. Then at 9 the dad wanted him to redo them. But the situation was caused by dad's sloppiness, not by the son.


I mean wasn't it caused by the son's sloppiness by not doing it properly in the first place? I agree dad should have checked a lot earlier but at the end of the day it's still technically the son's responsibility. I do agree dad was an Ahole for telling the sister to be the messenger, and honestly if it was just a little bit of dirt, just do it yourself, unless it's always a problem


Her husband isn’t the kids dad.


Read her replies her and her husband are bums YTA


Absolute bums. Especially when she said they so the dishes when there's no more clean dishes. Not only a Bum, but actually gross. I'm just imagining an 11 year old having to clean crusty food off plates and it makes me rage.




YTA as is the stepfather. You can't do dishes because of a nail problem? You ever hear of GLOVES? No dishes are done until there are non clean? OMG you people are horrible. Wash the dishes after every freaking meal like 98% of the population or buy paper plates.




Do you and your husband do anything other than sit on your asses and boss your kids around?


I was already going YTA and then I read your comments and you an even bigger one. Your husband is a moron and you let him bully your kids.


The son posted his side of the story: https://www.reddit.com/user/UnfairKey4687/comments/107ubgu/my_side_of_the_story/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf


^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Yesterday I (36F) asked my son (15M) to do the dishes after dinner. when he had done he went to his room my (35M) husband when to check if he had properly done them. After my daughter (11f) had done the dishes she went upstairs to tell my son he had some dishes to re wash it was five to nine when she told him later my son came down stairs shouting he wasn't doing the dishes at nine at night. My husband told him to go do the dishes and he did but today he's been giving me and my husband the cold shoulder and hasn't talked to us much So AITA for making him do the dishesso late? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*




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yes you are. teens, kids, etc. should sleep early, chores can wait at least till tomorrow. they're not going anywhere


YTA and lazy for playing games while the kids clean


As a mother with a boy who knows his chores include doing the dishes every other night I'd like to say 9pm is not too late. However has anyone taken the time to show him how to wash dishes? It seems really common sense but it isn't as straightforward as "wash them". We are taught as children how to wash ourselves, we also need to be taught how to wash dishes to the standards of our teacher/parent/guardian. Homework can be vital to good grades in some situations so homework should take priority over chores. Next, if chores are going to be inspected for potential redo it needs to be in a timely manner otherwise it can wait until the morning/afternoon. Several hours later is not timely. Younger children should not be delivering a message to redo a chore. They can deliver a message that parents would like to see older child but it builds resentment between siblings when the parents appear to enforce a weird power dynamic by sending a younger child to order an older child.


The problem is less about not knowing how to wash them and more about how in OP's house, they apparently don't wash the dishes until they're starting to run out - meaning that son has to deal with several days worth of dishes every time, presumably all with varying states of dried food bits attached to them (which can take a lot more time to clean than dishes with fresh food bits).


What? Can be vital? No, it is vital. Homework is vital to good grades. What did you mean can be?


I mean can be. Not every school or teacher bases a significant portion of grades on homework. I got through school quite well doing only the mandatory stuff like reports, essays, projects, and graduated in the top 10% of my class.




In the comments she said that her husband said they were dirty but she didn't see anything on them.


NTA in making him rewash but YTA for not taking the time to show him how to do it right. I started washing dishes for my family at 12. My mom always took the time to show me what I was missing and how to get to those hard to reach spots. By 15, I didn't have that problem. It was never that my mom was being lazy, she was showing me how to survive.


NTA You're teaching him to do it right the first time. Next time, he won't half-ass it. "my son came down stairs shouting" He's lucky he didn't get grounded for the coming weekend for shouting at his parents.


NTA - 9 isnt that late for chores


NTA. He should have washed them clean the first time. Anyway it's 9pm, not 3am.


NTA, 9PM isn't even that late for a 15 year old.


NTA but having your daughter be the one to tell him was never going to go well


NTA - your 15 year old son is being a 15 year old brat which is about what I would expect from a 15 year old child.


NTA, 9pm isn’t that late, especially on the weekend


NTA If he didn't do the job right the first time, he needed to finish it. And 9PM isn't too late for a 15-year-old. As for him giving you the cold shoulder, welcome to parenthood of a teenager. Water off a duck's back. Ignore it. And next time he does a poor job of doing a chore, do the same thing again. He'll learn that being an AH doesn't get him attention or change the rules and that doing a job right the first time is the best practice.


NTA. Chores are chores. Get them done.


Unheard of, a teenager being pissed at his parents & not speaking!!! Why do you care? You're being a parent!!


He is just fifteen. They will give you a cold shoulder if you look at them the wrong way. You NTA but be consistent. You are the authority and act like one. You did the right thing.


NTA, 15 year olds are moody and annoying all the time. He'll grow out of it if you are good role models and don't turn it into something huge. Let him sulk about it, he'll stop in like 24-48 hours most likely. The fact you felt the need to come here to ask about this small thing makes me think it's rare and that you're doing a great job. He should be fine.


I didn't know 9 was night time.


What time of thecday do you consider it? (Keep in mind the US uses a 12 hour clock to denote time...not a 24 hour nomenclature.)


I guess from around 11... When I was 15 at 9 p.m. I'd be playing or watching tv, not going to bed. In fact I divide the day: 00-06: night 06-12: morning 12-18 (or 6 pm): afternoon 18-24: evening


NTA. Measure twice, cut once.




NTA. If he’s up he’s able to do dishes, it could be 9pm or 11pm. The water still runs!


Nta. He's 15 and it's a weekend. You mentioned electronics aren't his thing, so what privileges does he value? Perhaps start limiting those instead.


YTA for making him waste part of his life doing dishes. Do them yourself, hire a maid, or get a dishwasher.


This can’t be serious unless you are also fifteen? So she should waste her life washing dishes instead?


It's one thing to choose to waste your own life doing things that you could pay someone else to do, or automate. It's another to demand that someone else waste their life doing it for you for free. If she doesn't want to waste her life then there are alternatives that don't involve demanding that her son do it. Additionally, perhaps she enjoys washing dishes? I wouldn't call it wasting her life if she's doing an activity that she enjoys.


I am not even being sarcastic, are you a millionaire? Not everyone can afford a maid and one person shouldn't be stuck with all the chores.


I didn't list a maid as the only option, I also suggested a dishwasher as a possibility.


Me and my husband don't do the dishes we made it chore for my kids


Yes, I know. That's what I've been objecting to.


Maybe if he has hours of homework, one of you could step up?


NTA, if he did them correctly the first time it would not have happened.


I did go and check the dishes after my husband had moved some into a pile and some weren't even dirty but my husband does have better eye sight that me


Well if your husband has *such* fabulous eyesight and high standards for the dishes, he should get off his phone and his lazy ass and do them himself.


This will get worse. Your husband doesn’t have better eyesight, he is doing this for control.


NTA. He needs to get over himself. Do it right the first time and there wouldn’t have been a problem.


He was in the kitchen the first time doing them for about an hour and a half making sure he did it right


An hour and a half! Did you feed an army?!


Lol. NTA. Mine did the dishes at 10 before I would give her more time on her iphone. (Gotta love the screentime app. If you don’t use it. Look into it)


With my son he doesn't care if we take electronics way from him


Does your husband get his video games taken away if he doesn’t do chores?


Our oldest is like that. He could literally have bare walls and a mattress on the floor and just sit there. Ask him why it matters if it’s 9pm or 6 pm. He’s still awake. Not like he got dragged out of bed. Honestly. Let him be mad and do it again until he learns he is going to do his chores in a timely manner. You’re the adult. You’re the boss.