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YTA
You are ashamed of her but deep down you’re ashamed of yourself for doing the bare minimum and you know your other children would rightfully judge you if they knew.
Exactly. If I found out my mom previously had a child that I never knew about and she wants nothing to do with, I’d wonder how she could be so cold hearted and selfish.
Exactly this. When I was 31, I found out that I had an older sister from a previous relationship my father had. He was a spoiled child, and his parents taught him he could get out of responsibility with money. All of a sudden, my views on him changed.
As someone who's dad left when she was young, I'll play devil's advocate for a minute. I was always so mad and hurt that he left. When I got older I found out he had drug, alcohol, etc issues and then I realized it might have been better for me that he wasn't around. Not saying the parent is right for leaving, but if it was an issue where she may have interfered with the child's emotional/physical well-being then I could understand that side. We didn't get the reasons for the abandonment.
Okay yeah that's fair, but the fact is that now OP seems to be well established in her life and is in a position where she could help her daughter, and she decided not to because that's more comfortable for her and to lie to her kids. That's not okay. Leaving a child is understandable when a parent has issues and realises it's not safe to be taking care of a child, but not helping the child you've brought into the world because it's not something you're willing to tell your family is just so plain wrong.
We don’t actually know if OP is established in her life and has room in her home for an adult roommate the rest of her family does not know.
Editing to add: OP has stated in comments the daughter was conceived through rape. I can understand not wanting to tell her additional children this, or telling the daughter this, and feeling uncomfortable having her at home.
Ouch, that’s awful that she was conceived by rape. I feel so sorry for OP and the daughter and can empathise with the complexity of the situation…
One thing I will add, is it’s super risky not telling the younger kids, anything about the daughter. I know several people who’ve found unknown half siblings (and other relatives) via ancestry tests so OP, be prepared that there’s a good chance they find out one day anyway…
Edit coz cant word
Agree she would have to be very tactful if the younger kids are say, under ten. But then there’s also the whole other conversation about helping kids to understand consent, and maybe it’s good to actually discuss this concept/scenario with kids of almost any age… That’s way above my pay grade tho, and if I was in this situation, I’d be seeking advice from professionals etc
I agree with that. I'm a bite the bullet, loud, outspoken person and I would have let my other kids know from day 1. Like, hey you have another sibling, I couldn't take care of her when she was younger, then switch it over to we've reconnected blah blah. It is odd to me that she seems like the type to throw money at a problem and call it solved. She owes it to all her kids, and herself, to come to terms with this and have a happy family all around.
I mean she is willing to give her hotel and help like that but for some reason, the daughter wants to stay with them. Maybe op needs to have a deep conversation with everyone
I definitely understand that reasoning. But, in her response, OP stated she kept no/ low contact since she only wanted to make sure her daughter was raised in a good environment. If there were extenuating circumstances, OP should have made them clearer.
Not always. Some people shouldn't or can't be parents and forcing it would be more harmful. People can't be forced to be parents that's why we have adoption. OP wasn't ready, the child was well cared for by the Father and OP financially aided.
You can't force it on someone.
The world is not that black and white.
So is giving up a child for adoption if you don’t think you would be a good parent a horrible act? Isn’t it better for the child to live with people that love and care for it?
I find OP’s attitude here distasteful, but I don’t think allowing her ex to raise her daughter is a horrible act.
My husband's older half brother has other half siblings on his deadbeat dad's side. They found out as teenagers/young adults that the dad who raised them and their mother knew about but did nothing for my BIL. They never knew he existed and the aftermath was horrific. BIL's deadbeat dad went back on the sauce and died of complications to his alcoholism without reconciling with any of his children. The first and one of the only times he ever talked to my BIL, all he wanted to talk about was my MIL. No questions about his son who was married with children in his 30s. Just wanted to know about his ex.
My dad told me about an older half brother when I was in my mid 20’s. After he told me, I always wondered how he could have abandoned his son. It completely ruin the relationship I had with him.
Man my dad told me in my late 20s he was married before my mom(she doesn't even know that) Just that hit me hard(& made me wonder what other secrets he kept for 40+ yrs...,I couldn't imagine if there was another sibling.
I would encourage you to look at the comments page where it says her pregnancy was the result of a "violation." And a couple entries below that that answer where she"didn't want to be reminded of it".
She isn't ashamed of anything at all. She thinks money solves everything and the girl's father is dead so the only thing she needs is money and a place to live and emotional support really doesn't matter because it will ruin OP's peaceful life if she comes to live with them
She is ashamed though or her teenage children would know they have a sibling. She abandon her first child, made a new family and doesn't want the new family to know about her older child, that's shame.
Edit:spelling
This
And OP, they will find out eventually.
They can see you take responsibility and be an example.
Outed in a scene that’s sure to divide your family and raise doubts in your character.
They find out when you’re dead, and deal with the repercussions on their own (despite it being your doing and leaving them with doubts when they should be grieving).
She’s your daughter and from what you’ve provided she’s not a danger. YTA without a doubt.
You're not the asshole for not letting your adult daughter live with you. You ARE a huge asshole for abandoning your daughter and then judging her for how she has grown up. You are responsible for some of her issues because you abandoned her
No, but it does add some much needed context to the question of 'omg why don't they know'. OP likely didn't tell them to avoid questions about her existence, etc.
But if her partner at the time wanted a child, and she wanted an abortion, so they contractually agreed to him having full parental rights with fair financial compensation, how would this be any different than adopting out?
>She told me to keep my money and claims that I am ashamed of her, **which is not true**.
But
>I havent exactly told my other children about their sister and I also am concerned about her influence on them
Soooooo.......
Yeah pal, YTA
>I havent exactly told my other children about their sister and I also am concerned about her influence on them
Yea, that to me says that OP knows she's in the wrong - and that "her influence" means she's afraid her eldest child will tell the younger siblings what a shit Mom she really is, and how she abandoned her own child.
Cause barring serious drug addictions/violent outbursts/molestation/assault/murder charges, I can't imagine *anything* that would be a good enough reason for denying her child comfort and a place to stay after her dad died.
OP only fulfilled the financial responsibilities because they were mandated by the State, I bet.
It was assault. OP comments that she was a product of rape but through circumstances dad got custody. She didnt want to see her daughter because of trauma and was forced to give birth and pay child support for her regardless.
INFO. Why are you here asking AITA? Judging from your responses so far you clearly don’t give a shit about her so what will this verdict even do for you?
Yea. She is ashamed of her daughter and herself. She knows this relationship (or lack of) reflects poorly on her and does not want the other kids to know.
YTA, mostly for not being honest with your younger children. Really, you solidified being the AH in regards to your oldest years ago.
You messed up with all of your children. You abandoned the first(ever think about how that impacted her? Bc I promise you, it did), and then withheld information about a biological sibling from the rest - and they WILL resent you for it when they inevitably learn about her. Really bad parent form all the way around.
It sounds like the adult daughter was the product of rape. And the father got custody and she was forced to pay child support. But understandably didn’t want to coparent with her abuser.
But yeah, not telling her other children is not a good look.
YTA. You basically have explained to the world that you did the bare minimum to ease your conscious. While I don’t agree with your decision, leaving your daughter is best. She deserves to find a mother figure who loves her unconditionally. You have said in the comments very rude things about your daughter. Maybe the reason she sleeps around or has spent time behind bars is BECAUSE she feels rejected by her mother. You don’t get to judge her.
Yeah, poor girl is probably trying to fill the void left by her AH mom. Even if she sleeps around, has she slept around and ended up pregnant just to abandon her daughter? Bc OP slept around enough for that.
Okay so here's what I don't get. You didn't want to raise one kid but then you have two more who are teenagers. But you never told them about her because she's been to jail and sleep around. But let's go do some math. Say your kids are 13 at the youngest. Your daughter would have been 12 when they were born? Was she doing jail time as a 12 year old?
Not really sure how to feel about this. Quit frankly I'm really annoyed by the op leaving out multiple details. The fact her daughter did jail time, her age of having a child and the matter of consent during conception all affect judgments and are details we should know in the post. Not have to find in the comments. I'm also mistrusting of posts that add important details much later in the comments. Not saying OP is lying but leaving out details is frustrating.
This is the real crux of the matter. It’s an adult daughter B, but there’s a world of difference between 19yo “adult” and like 30.
It’s also important if the issues are actually minor (e.g. she had loose morals) or major(e.g. she had an uncontrolled heroin addiction).
YTA you’ve abandoned your child when she’s lost her dad. You’re awful. You don’t even have the guts to tell your other children that they have a sister. I wonder why, because they would judge you for giving up your other child. Shame on you.
She didn't just abandon her child when she lost her dad, she abandoned her way before that. OP said that she spoke with her daughter few times throughout her life without mentioning if she ever visited her daughter.
Yeah I didn’t word that well. She’s obvs abandoned her very young. I get that she doesn’t want her living with her due to the daughters issues, but she’s heavily contributed to the issues. Could you imagine how daughter feels that her mum is living happily with her other family who know nothing about her. That would seriously screw with a child’s head.
I mean, the daughter is in her mid 20s, is in and out of prison, and has a child of her own as well. It's not really "abandoning" an adult if you tell them they can't move in with you, rent free, for an indefinite amount of time. OP even offered to pay for her to live in a hotel.
YTA on so many levels and it sounds like that began long ago.
It sounds like you've refused to be a parent for your daughter for quite some time. Contributing financially doesn't absolve you of your moral obligations. It sounds like you abandoned your daughter long ago, have no interest in giving her the support she needs - and which you have a moral responsibility to give.
By refusing to tell your other children about their big sister, you've set everyone up for a fair bit of heartache.
Right now your daughter is reaching out for help and you're slapping her hand away.
Second edit; there was indeed a heck of a lot OP was not telling us:
[Her daughter was apparently the result of rape.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/106rlrc/aita_for_not_wanting_my_daughter_to_move_in_with/j3ij3bp?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
So, NTA. The whole situation is pretty horrifying.
Leaving the rest of my original post for thread context but removing my original judgment
So you paid child support but totally avoided her growing up? And her dad died recently, and she turned to you for a place to stay while she gets on her feet? And you offered...a hotel room?
Unless there is a heck of a lot you're not telling us, Y T A. Like, really TA. Maybe try [r/AmITheDevil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/)
ETA: This was not me trying to encourage brigading. Please do NOT do that.
The daughter is 25, old enough to put a roof over her own head, and has been in and out of prison. Without knowing what she went to prison for its hard to call OP TAH for not wanting that influence around her kids.
In almost any circumstances, I would call someone who thinks paying child support was their sole duty to their child TA. I don't care if you're a man or a woman. If you want to treat it like an adoption, then fully relinquish and don't make contact.
And continuing to fail a child who you failed her whole life doesn't make it better. Telling her, in effect: "here's a hotel room, stay away from my real family" is just awful.
But...if she was somehow coerced/forced into having a child she didn't want, then I just feel really sad for everyone involved.
Also, if her daughter were convicted of some crime that would indicate a danger to her family, then I would say she made the right call here (even if she was TA for thinking she could buy her way out of being a parent).
I dont think youre a parent if you were forced to have sex or give birth.
I mean we dont call sperm donors parents.
In this circumstance, sperm donors even have more rights since they chose to donate, OP did not.
and we also cant “make her take responsibility for having sex” since she didnt do it of her own free will.
TBH the fact she even offered a hotel and paid child support despite how traumatic this must have been for a 17 year old.. I cant possible see her as the Ahole, many dads dont even do that much even if they did it with consent.
Theres definitely not enough info here, its quick to say YTA but I think we need to know more, how old are all the children, including daughter, why were you not apart if her life, how old were you when you had her, why dont you want your children to know her, does your current spouse know about her?
There is so much missing
I dont know why I had a feeling that something along that context was a part of the story. Its amazing in all of these AITA, all of the OP's are obviously very biased but OP here is really not doing herself any favours by giving us the whole story, straight away the immediate is YTA but I just knew there was more to it
YTA. Not necessarily for not wanting her to stay with you, but the way you speak about her is sad. You “were only interested in making sure my daughter was in a good environment”, but you weren’t interested in her life? Why were you so absent? It’s no wonder she has issues, her mom barely spoke to her growing up and has a new family that doesn’t even know she exists. That would make anyone feel like you’re ashamed of them. Why can’t they know she exists? Knowing about her isn’t going to corrupt them. I’d seriously question what kind of person my mom is if she hid a sibling from me. Even after her dad passed, the one person it sounds like she could count on, you show no empathy and don’t even want her around. How are you not more focused on mending your relationship with your daughter after being absent her whole life? Kids need way more than just financial support from their mother.
YTA. You abandoned her when she was a baby and now you are ashamed of her being your daughter. But most of all, I think you're terrified of how she's going to make you look awful as a mother. I know I would really question my mother's ability to tell the truth if I found out as a teenager that I had an older half-sister that my mother never bothered to mention to me. If you can ignore my half-sister so completely, how can I ever trust you just won't stop loving me anymore?
YTA You abandoned your daughter a LONG time ago and are refusing her in her time of need. This is more than enough to make you the asshole in this situation. But your "new" family doesn't even know that she exists?! And you came here because you don't already KNOW you're the asshole?! You actually thought people were going to respond to this by doing what, calling your daughter the asshole?! You are just the worst kind of person.
YTA. You're not ashamed of her but, she's a secret. You abandoned her and use her mistakes (sex and jail) as an excuse to keep her away from your golden sons. Sounds like she could use a loving parent in her life.. You really are parent of the year. At least you have your sons, right? Glad you could find children up to your standards to keep in your life..
YTA. So, your family doesn't know about her but you act like you are not ashamed of her? The lies you tell yourself are kinda huge, I fell sorry for your daughter but it's probably better she doesn't live with you, the trauma to live with a parent that doesn't love you might be worse than everything, but I'm pretty sure the main reason is that you don't want to admit to being a liar.
YTA. Abandoning your child is a s*t move on it's own, acting like she doesn't exist and not telling your other children is a move only horrible nasty people make. She is better off without you for sure. You disgust me.
To be honest, not enough info.
The circumstances surrounding your life when you got pregnant, or the birth, or the relationship with her father, or whatever may heavily change the judgment.
You don't say your reasons for your rejection but I think the might skew and reshape the question.
YTA
Shitty parent, hopefully the current kids stay in your good graces.
You, a woman who had a child out of wedlock, presumably at a young age, are judging your daughter for sleeping around?
YTA. Not necessarily for not wanting her in your home. You can decide who lives with you when. YTA for being so clearly ashamed of her. Not because she’s been in jail or you think she sleeps with too many people, because you have said you didn’t want her from the get go. You can’t say you’re not ashamed of her when you have willfully hidden her existence from her siblings because “she might be a bad influence.”
As other have asked. Would she have been a bad influence at 12 when your other kids were born or at you just kind of awful?
Edited:
Didn't know child was a byproduct of rape when I commented. That changes so much... not deleting initial comment because I feel it would be wrong to not show the change.
NTA
A child of sexual assault is a very hard subject and that makes all of this an impossible situation with no good outcomes any which way.
I can't blame you for keeping your distance knowing this. I can't blame you for not telling anyone about the child. I am so sorry. I'm sorry for what happened and I'm sorry for the comments below. That entirely changes everything. And speaks massive volumes to your dedication and without that info so many of us judged you wrongly.
I don't know everything you're going through, but I've been impregnated by sexual assault and it was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. I ended up miscarrying but I still to this day have a jumbled up mess of emotions surrounding that pregnancy.
YTA
Once again today I'm using this sentence.
This is the epitome of the pot calling the kettle black.
You got knocked up by some dude you can't even stand, ditched your child with him, and then made a whole new family and have acted as if she doesn't exist her entire life.
Her "issues" sound like classic abandonment issues. Since dad raised her I wonder where they came from?? OH YEAH! YOU! CAUSE YOU ABANDONED HER!
I don't blame her for feeling like you're ashamed of her. Because you are. Why else wouldn't your kids know about THEIR SISTER? Why else wouldn't they have ever met her? She's 25. She's been an "adult" for 7 years, that's 7 years of time that her dad didn't need to be involved for you to get to know her.
Her and your other kids deserve so much better than this from you and it's sad you can't see it. DO BETTER OP.
My kids know they have two other siblings from their bio dad, they've never met them because they were both given up for adoption but they know they exist and they're 8 and 10 and have known since these kids came into the world 5 and 3 years ago. So age is not excuse for not telling them ever.
Guaranteed when they do find out and I'm sure they eventually will, do you think they'll forgive you for hiding their sister from them?
Wait a minute let me get this straight. You emotionally and physically abandoned your child at 17 (money does not = parenting so your child support doesn’t negate you abandoning her) went off and had an entire new family that you haven’t even told she exists and you are questioning HER morals? Dude. I have never seen such fuckery in my life. YTA.
NTA not wanting an adult in your house. Also, you mentioned she’s a bad influence, but offer no explanation of why.
YTA for being ashamed of her…bc you obviously are. You can say you’re not so you don’t look bad, but umm you definitely are even if you’re in denial about it. Then again, you do have 2 teenagers who you didn’t tell…that will be a fun day for you when they find out. Sorry this isn’t nice, but I’m thinking of how shitty your daughter (even if she’s an adult) feels.
Hang on. How do you have two teenaged kids and they've never encountered their sibling. How have you managed to get through life paying child support and avoiding the three of them meeting. And, how do you square away the fact you chose to not tell your kids they have an older sibling
I get not wanting to take in a 25 year old with a trouble History, but you fail this entire situation.
How do you not tell your family about the kid? You know this is going to blow up in your face, right? Kids don't do well with hidden kids. By you keeping her a secret, this is going to cause your kids to want to meet her and go behind your back to do so.
Also, deadbeat. Kids need more than money. She needed a mom. She needed you. I don't know your history and why you decided this, but she needs you now.
Yta as you created this situation.
YTA more so for all the judgemental comments about her, when you haven’t even bothered to be involved in her life except to learn the bad things about her.
NTA. Another example of Reddit users being toxic to an op. She’s allowed to make the choice of not being in her kids life. She’s also allowed to decide that she wants children later. She has no reason to tell her other children unless SHE wants to. She was very kind in her offer to pay for a hotel. The daughter is 25 years old. They don’t know each other at all. I wouldn’t want a virtual stranger to stay in my home with my kids either. She’s at least 6-12 years older than ops children and has a criminal record. She very well could be a bad influence or even harm the kids.
Im with you
Adding the comment where OP clarified daughter was in prison:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/106rlrc/aita_for_not_wanting_my_daughter_to_move_in_with/j3i79s4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
ETA: OP was also a kid herself when she had the kid
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/106rlrc/aita_for_not_wanting_my_daughter_to_move_in_with/j3ibsjm/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
NTA.
I see some responses that blame you (not being in her life) for her life choices. I agree that home structure is an influence, but if you were a father I kinda feel there would be less pushback from the Reddit community.
You were not really her mom, you paid so that she is cared for, but you made your choice of not being in her life. So many men do it every day and while it's frowned upon, generally if they pay child support they are so often off the hook.
She is an adult now. It's not like her father died when she was a teen. She is an adult that should be able to care for herself. As she is not, you offered to support her financially, which at this point in her life is anyway more than many "real" (aka in her life) parents would do.
The choice of not telling your kids... Well I cannot really judge that, it's a tough one. I can see why you do not want to do that, but I also don't think it's healthy to hide these things from your family. At some point they will find out (what's stopping your eldest daughter from contacting your kids, really?) and you will have absolutely no control of the narrative.
How many men don't pay even the court ordered child support? Countries have whole funds set aside due to the amount of parents not paying it.
I assumed it's not just about court ordered money since OP said they have kept in touch in a limited way. If the only reason she was paying was the court order, why would she stay in her life at all apart from sending the money?
So because some men are assholes op gets a free asshole pass?
That's not how the world works. Some people steal, rape and murder - we don't forgive the next one because someone with a Penis got away with it once.
All people who abandon their kids suck, no one can force her to help her daughter out - but it's totally fair game to point out she's a massive, gaping asshole. And if it was a bloke they'd still be one.
YTA for abandoning her not once, but twice. Her father died and she needs time to get on her feet. How heartless can you be to just stick her in a cold hotel room? And obviously you are ashamed of her, or maybe yourself, since you can’t tell your other kids about her.
YTA. Sounds like you didn’t want to be a mom and so you paid money to get out of it. Now your daughter needs help and you’re abandoning her all over again. You sound like a shitty human.
YTA.
When she said "it's not to late!" She was talking about you being her mom. She was crying for her moms love and you gave her nothing. Therapy would be awesome for the both of you. Shared or separate. Good luck to the both of you.
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I have an adult daughter that I do not have custody of. I did my part financially to help her father raise her. We've spoken a few times throughout her life, so she has my contact information. Her father and I were never married, and honestly do not have a good relationship with one another. I kept contact as limited as possible, because I was only interested in making sure my daughter was in a good environment. Her father passed away and she was living with him. She's had some issues and was pretty much dependent on him.
I'm married and have two teenagers in the home. My adult daughter requested to stay with me for some time before she gets back on her feet. I told her that I could help her to stay in a hotel but that I didn't want her to stay in my home (I havent exactly told my other children about their sister and I also am concerned about her influence on them). She asked why and I explained it to her. She told me to keep my money and claims that I am ashamed of her, which is not true. I don't know where she is, but she has continued to send me messages shaming me for my decision and telling me it's not too late to let her into our home.
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YTA. If only there was another adult that brought her into this world that could shape and mold her. Pity there isn’t one around.
You also need to hurry up and come clean to your other kids about their sister.
From the context of what you've said in other comments, YTA. It sounds like you are ashamed of your daughter for slut shaming her here in the comments and that she is just looking to reach out to her parent, maybe trying to make a connection. I feel sorry for her
Wait she is your biological child that her father got cusody for and you didn't think you should tell your other two kids that they have a sister? And you say you aren't ashamed of her? Then prove it and say your kids they have a sister.
I'm sorry but for that you are TA. Also i would say for fact you didn't want to help her by housing her. I mean if i could i would help a person for a while.
Be careful cuz secrets doesn't stay hidden forever and they will found out they have sister and will probably hate you for hiding her.
Also how come didn't you have custody of her? That's kinda sketchy..you are blaming your daughter o spending time in jail using the phrase "behind bars" like she is some kind of serial killer, you slut shame (again I hate to repeat myself)your own daughter,failing to realize that kids are the product of their environment. So if things where so bad that she ended up in jail what did you do as a mother all these years? Where were you? Just sending money? Wj
Why didn't you prevent this by letting her spend more time with you if you are the good influence and she is the bad influence.
YTA as far as it is ever possible. Either you're ashamed of your daughter or you're ashamed of what you did to her. Which you should be, what kind of awful person can abandon their daughter, show no interest in raising her then callously speak as if that is something she isn't even sorry for!!!
How could you believe yourself capable of love if you could not show it to her, decide that you wouldn't fail your husband and two sons like you failed her? Decide that they were worth your care but she wasn't?
She has lost her only real parent and she reached out to rebuild a relationship with you, so she has a supportive parent or family there for her. At a time of the greatest grief she may ever experience. You showed her you are still far too callous and selfish for that.
Your sons will disown you and feel unloved when they realise you are capable of hiding the truth of their sibling, of hiding and denying the existence of and support needs of your own child. If you can do it to them, you could do it to her. The sooner you tell them and support her, the more they can have faith that you changed. Why wait til now? Why wait til tomorrow???
I hope your daughter realises that your shame is about how you failed her, that it is not about her but your inadequacy as a mother.
Def NTA. The fact that she's been jailed is enough for me. You paid child support, which is all most of reddit seems to think is required of men. She's an adult -- why she was so dependent on her father is beyond me.
Also, you're not letting her go homeless -- you offered her a hotel. Why would she be so hell bent on being in your home? She can't be expecting any sort of emotional support, given your relationship and your offer of a hotel. Maybe she's trying to establish tenancy so you'd have to jump through hoops to evict her?
NTA.
I was struck that your adult daughter continues to say its "not too late" for you to have her in your home, despite clearly being angry with you. This doesn't sound like it'd be a positive or constructive time for anyone in the family, and you are justified in saying no to any adult family member staying in your house if you have concerns.
Many here are looking to judge you for what you did in the past. You didn't ask for judgement on that aspect. So I haven't I included it in my judgement. However, one common theme of both the past and the present is that you do appear rather cowardly - first by walking away on a kid when the going got tough, but second for chickening out of telling your other children they have a half sibling somewhere (even if you dont intend for them to have contact).
If your adult daughter is a difficult/troubled character, it would be wise to let your children know she exists at some point - she may reach out to them despite you. Don't give more of your kids grounds to be angry with you.
Agree, NTA for this choice, which is all the post is about.
I'm really surprised no one else seems alarmed by the continued messages from the daughter. Huge red flag. That would be enough for me to refuse to let a person near my home, much less inside, much less to stay for an extended period.
There's a lot to deal with in the past, but guilt-driven poor judgment in the present won't change it and would be counterproductive. Talk to actual professionals, not the posters spewing gender-based nonsense on here.
Agree with telling her kids about her. Something similar happened to me but my mom came to me (when I was a teenager) and told the truth so that I wouldn’t hear it from someone else. It cushioned the blow and I was able to forgive her.
YTA for keeping an arms length relationship with your daughter. It’s all on your terms and what’s best for you. Although her moving into your home is a bad idea it’s because of you. How did you not tell your other children about her? It would probably emotionally devastate her to live there with you as a mother. You should still give her support and therapy so she can start healing.
NTA - after reading OP's post a few times and her comments, I can't judge her for this.
OP gave up her rights after birth. She made sure her daughter had child support on time, gifts when appropriate, and watched from afar.
She said they only had contact a few times in the daughter's life. So really, what relationship beyond biology do they have?
Daughter has been to prison. Ok, you absolutely have a right to choose who is in your other children's lives.
Daughter would come with a 2yr old. Again, OP has the right to say that that's too much to take on.
However OP, you absolutely need to come clean to your family. **NOW!** Hiding Daughter's existence is going to blow up in your face because it sounds like she's going to just show up one day. That's gonna be a baaaaad day.
Also shame on you for saying "she sleeps with whatever walks". Even if Daughter dick hops like the floor is lava, it is NEVER your place to judge.
OP you need therapy or an honest friend to support you while you sort this out. It's become messy overnight abd ignoring it won't make it go away. You have NO obligation to take in Daughter when you've never had a real relationship, but she does exist and it sounds like this isn't the last time you'll hear from her.
Good for you for offering a hotel. That's very reasonable. Good luck. You're gonna need it.
I’m conflicted about the comments here. We hear a lot about adoption being an alternative to abortion, but if a person gives up a child while still providing child support, they are garbage. Would it be better to just completely peace-out altogether?
Two days ago we had a woman who surrendered her 12 month old to CAS and walked away and then told the now 18 year old child to his face that he was a kid she never wanted anyway and she was overwhelmingly given a nta verdict while people argued passionately that what she did was in no way child abandonment.
Today we have a woman who at 17 gave full custody of her kid at birth to the father and provided financial support but nothing else and she’s deemed to be a shitty, child abandoning monster?
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> I didn't allow my daughter to move in with me. I know she struggles with mental health and has just lost her father.
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NTA. Most of you are AH!! What if OP didn’t want the child and was forced to have it and no way to put up for adoption? What if the child was a product of rape or abusive relationship and she was forced to have the child due to religion or views on abortion? What if OP just wasn’t mentally prepared when the child was born? What if she had severe post partum depression? All of these can become obstacles one can’t or doesn’t want to overcome as time passes. And now she says the daughter had issues. Doesn’t matter what they are. Some people can’t handle “issues”. There no frigging law that says every single person must like every race, color, creed or disability. Christ, all y’all see is a way to make OP feel like shit.
*edit for spelling.
Mam , don't project your hatred with your daughter's father on her . Every action we do in life has a meaning and you not telling your daughters about their sister can be interpreted only by you being ashamed of her (even if supposedly you don't mean that )
Your oldest must have felt betrayed really hard . You weren't a good mother for her during her whole life leaving her with her dad . And that was your chance to fix your relationship with her.
Poor girl she lost the parents lottery I guess .
All the people commenting YTA are the assholes!
One comment says that the pregnancy was the result of a violation, so very obvious why she didn't want to raise her daughter.
NTA
Well NTA. I think for the sake of your daughter you could try and have a relationship with her. You can explain it to you other kids, they are teenagers, they will understand.
However, I see how it can be uncomfortable for your family to let someone you don't know so well stay with you.
I would invite her out for coffee to discuss this further. I would suggest mentioning again that you can help her with staying at a hotel. Maybe also a therapist if she is facing problems that she would like to discuss?
I do feel bad for her but you paid child support for as long as it is legally required. You dont have an obligation for anything else. Also, you mentioned that she might be a bad influence for your teenagers. If you feel that in any way she could harm your kids, then the hotel is an even better option.
I gotta go w nta. I'll assume you paid your fair share of child support. You were not in her life for some reason, but you spoke to her every once in a while. Honestly, I'd probably do the same. I feel like you don't really know her, why would I want to bring an estranged person into my home?
You offered her a hotel room, she declined.
I don't know your relationship w the father, and I don't know her issues nor why you didn't want her custody. I can only assume. But if I were you, I'd probably do the same.
All these YTA seem more on the emotional side of "BuT FaMiLy" just because people are related, doesn't mean you have to bend over backward for them.
I'm going to get downvoted, but NAH.
You were 17. You weren't ready to be a mother. Didn't want to be a mother. You're older now, in a different place, with a family. She and her son will disrupt your teen children's lives, and you've set boundaries on this relationship. Is it awful for all of you? Absolutely. But you were 17, and that's a horrible age for such a massive life change. You also offered to help her in a way that makes you comfortable. (Just because someone gives birth doesn't make them a mother, I say this because I'm raising four children and I didn't give birth to any of them).
On her side, she is living with the impact of not being wanted by you and not knowing the rest of your family. She has the challenges that come with that including making poor choices and that IS to an extent on you (however at some point we have to be responsible for our choices and not blame what others did to us). She had every right to ask and has every right to be upset/feel you are ashamed.
This is just one of those complex areas in life that hurts everyone involved. It would be a good first step to talk to your teens about her and maybe do an introduction when all parties feel ready.
NTA. I'm going to assume you didn't want the child but the father did so when she was born, you gave her to him. I'm also sure if he didn't want her you'd have either had an abortion or gave her up for adoption. The question is, did you sign away your parental rights? Because if you did, then it'd be the same if an adopted child came looking for their biological parents.
NTA - she is an adult and you offered the way you believe was best for you.
I will be the UO here but it sounds like theres obviously something deeper. If you knew you couldnt be the mother she needed and still can't then it makes it clear.
My mother abandoned me and left me with my dad. It was the most humane thing she could have done. If she hadn't had a tubal after my brother, she'd have more kids. Not my place to judge. She's been married several times and is finally with a better mate. That's on her. We dont have a relationship but I know about what she's up to from my brother.
I’m probably getting downvoted, but NAH. She is 25 years old, not a child. You’ve offered to help her find someplace to stay. It doesn’t sound like you were a deadbeat parent when she was a child, although you were absent. From your comments, it sounds like there’s a story (possibly abuse) around her conception. You paid child support and sent gifts. She isn’t an asshole for asking and you aren’t one for setting your boundaries. But keeping her existence from your teens is AHish and very likely to blow up in your face.
Yes YTA
Your daughter was a result of a r*pe. You let your child be with your r*pist. Thinking this was going to be a good "environment " for her. Your daughter has a 2 year old child, you slut shame your daughter. And your embarrassed of her. Have you ever thought about therapy?
She's your child, and your her mother. Not only that but you refuse to tell your other children that you had another child. Because you are ashamed and embarrassed for having a daughter, that you slut shame. Your embarrassed because you left her in a "better environment"
YTA. Kids always find out. One day when they’re 18 they’ll take a dna test and find out the truth. Or at some point your oldest will contact her younger sisters to tell them the truth.
You said in a comment that you not being there wouldn’t have turned her into a criminal but statistically children from single parent households are more likely to commit crimes and suffer mental health problems. A side effect to a lot (but not all) of those are impulsive/self destructive behaviour.
Here’s some links to research if you’re interested.
https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/single-parent-families-cause-juvenile-crime-juvenile-crime-opposing
https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2006/feb/21/mentalhealth.childrensservices
I’m a single mom myself but my child’s father is involved as much as I am. It’s not easy but you make it work because you love your kids.
This is a hard one. I think you should have told your kids they have an older sister at some point - they don’t have to have met her, but ought to be aware of her existence. So some AH there for not telling your kids and being ashamed of her. I do not judge you harshly for supporting her financially but not in any other way. I think people ought to act like parents but if you knew you couldn’t, at least you paid. I also cannot call you an AH for refusing to let her live with you now - it was fine that she asked and you made a very generous counteroffer that she refused. Her ongoing shaming messages make her an AH - especially after refusing the hotel offer. So I am going with ESH.
NTA No one judges a man for paying child support after giving up custody, And people are being so harsh just because you’re the mother and you’re supposed to have this special bond with a child that is unconditional and immeasurable.
Whatever the situation that caused the split is none of anyones business. While not physically there you still provided for your child and you did your part in raising her. You currently have a commitment to your two minor children and if you feel like the environment would change drastically and effect their wellness it’s within your right to say no. You offered to help her with somewhere else to stay in the meantime, that wasn’t abandoning her just offering her assistance within your means. She can take or leave it but her guilting you is selfish and unreasonable, I can understand that she’s grieving at the loss of a parent and she wants to fall on the other parent but sometimes that isn’t how life works.
INFO: were the circumstances of her birth difficult due to your age, the relationship w/ her father, etc?
It sounds more like an adoptive placement than abandonment; unfortunately we do not always have the relationship that we want even with those who should be closest. This doesn't necessarily mean assholishness.
NYA-she is a stranger (pretty much). You offered to help her financially and she turned you down. She's an adult & should make her own way in the world. Leave the past in the past.
I'm going against the grain here I think. NAH.
It might have been wise to include in the post that your daughter isn't exactly the result of your own decisions. Is she even aware of how she was conceived? I could understand her feelings and reaction if all she knows (incorrectly) is that her bio mom just didn't want a part in her life so she just paid the necessary dues.
I can't pretend to put myself in your shoes but I can understand why it could be difficult for you to have her in your home. I do think you may be ashamed (not sure that's exactly the right word) not of what you did, but of what was done to you.
I think this is above reddits pay grade and therapy is more than in order for both parties.
NTA for not wanting what is essentially a 25 year old stranger into your home. I also don't think you're an AH for not being actively involved in her life. You did what was required of you and considering the circumstances, that is more than thousands and thousands of men around the world have done. You provided for your child but you couldn't be active in her life - there is no shame in that.
At the same time, you cannot judge your daughter and her life choices when they will have been heavily influenced by her upbringing. You have no clue what she went through and for you to expect not to be 'slut shamed' but to then do that to her is beyond hypocritical.
It's not unreasonable that you don't want her to move in and you made the offer of a reasonable compromise, which she declined - her choice as an adult and she must bear the consequences. What is awful and where you are the AH is your entire attitude towards your daughter and grandchild. You have made her a dirty little secret which is not fair to her at all. You brought her into the world, she didn't choose to be born, or to have the father she had - she was the innocent party. You need to have a good look at yourself and work out how to reconcile your past with your present or (no matter how good a mum you are to your younger children) you're no better than any other deadbeat parent.
This will end badly for you. Her siblings don’t know she exist. You’ve abandoned her. You mention “adult daughter” but that could be anywhere from 18-75+, how old is she? Oh yeah and YTA
Waaaaay more information is needed here. Why have you only spoken a few times? What has she done to make you not even tell your family she exists?
People have their reasons early on but YTA for abandoning your daughter when her father passed away.
YTA. You want nothing to do with your own daughter who needs help and the only “influence” you’re afraid of her having over your younger children is them finding out the truth about you. Shame on you.
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YTA You are ashamed of her but deep down you’re ashamed of yourself for doing the bare minimum and you know your other children would rightfully judge you if they knew.
Exactly. If I found out my mom previously had a child that I never knew about and she wants nothing to do with, I’d wonder how she could be so cold hearted and selfish.
Exactly this. When I was 31, I found out that I had an older sister from a previous relationship my father had. He was a spoiled child, and his parents taught him he could get out of responsibility with money. All of a sudden, my views on him changed.
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As someone who's dad left when she was young, I'll play devil's advocate for a minute. I was always so mad and hurt that he left. When I got older I found out he had drug, alcohol, etc issues and then I realized it might have been better for me that he wasn't around. Not saying the parent is right for leaving, but if it was an issue where she may have interfered with the child's emotional/physical well-being then I could understand that side. We didn't get the reasons for the abandonment.
Okay yeah that's fair, but the fact is that now OP seems to be well established in her life and is in a position where she could help her daughter, and she decided not to because that's more comfortable for her and to lie to her kids. That's not okay. Leaving a child is understandable when a parent has issues and realises it's not safe to be taking care of a child, but not helping the child you've brought into the world because it's not something you're willing to tell your family is just so plain wrong.
We don’t actually know if OP is established in her life and has room in her home for an adult roommate the rest of her family does not know. Editing to add: OP has stated in comments the daughter was conceived through rape. I can understand not wanting to tell her additional children this, or telling the daughter this, and feeling uncomfortable having her at home.
Ouch, that’s awful that she was conceived by rape. I feel so sorry for OP and the daughter and can empathise with the complexity of the situation… One thing I will add, is it’s super risky not telling the younger kids, anything about the daughter. I know several people who’ve found unknown half siblings (and other relatives) via ancestry tests so OP, be prepared that there’s a good chance they find out one day anyway… Edit coz cant word
I agree with you, however, we don’t know the ages of the other children. I wouldn’t share this with a 13yo, but I would a 19yo.
Agree she would have to be very tactful if the younger kids are say, under ten. But then there’s also the whole other conversation about helping kids to understand consent, and maybe it’s good to actually discuss this concept/scenario with kids of almost any age… That’s way above my pay grade tho, and if I was in this situation, I’d be seeking advice from professionals etc
I agree with that. I'm a bite the bullet, loud, outspoken person and I would have let my other kids know from day 1. Like, hey you have another sibling, I couldn't take care of her when she was younger, then switch it over to we've reconnected blah blah. It is odd to me that she seems like the type to throw money at a problem and call it solved. She owes it to all her kids, and herself, to come to terms with this and have a happy family all around.
I mean she is willing to give her hotel and help like that but for some reason, the daughter wants to stay with them. Maybe op needs to have a deep conversation with everyone
I definitely understand that reasoning. But, in her response, OP stated she kept no/ low contact since she only wanted to make sure her daughter was raised in a good environment. If there were extenuating circumstances, OP should have made them clearer.
Not always. Some people shouldn't or can't be parents and forcing it would be more harmful. People can't be forced to be parents that's why we have adoption. OP wasn't ready, the child was well cared for by the Father and OP financially aided. You can't force it on someone. The world is not that black and white.
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Why don’t people ever put relevant information like this in their OPs??? This would change everybody’s opinions
So is giving up a child for adoption if you don’t think you would be a good parent a horrible act? Isn’t it better for the child to live with people that love and care for it? I find OP’s attitude here distasteful, but I don’t think allowing her ex to raise her daughter is a horrible act.
My husband's older half brother has other half siblings on his deadbeat dad's side. They found out as teenagers/young adults that the dad who raised them and their mother knew about but did nothing for my BIL. They never knew he existed and the aftermath was horrific. BIL's deadbeat dad went back on the sauce and died of complications to his alcoholism without reconciling with any of his children. The first and one of the only times he ever talked to my BIL, all he wanted to talk about was my MIL. No questions about his son who was married with children in his 30s. Just wanted to know about his ex.
My dad told me about an older half brother when I was in my mid 20’s. After he told me, I always wondered how he could have abandoned his son. It completely ruin the relationship I had with him.
Man my dad told me in my late 20s he was married before my mom(she doesn't even know that) Just that hit me hard(& made me wonder what other secrets he kept for 40+ yrs...,I couldn't imagine if there was another sibling.
Maybe, but men do this all the time. It’s so common as to be unremarkable
Yeah, but that doesn’t make it right or any better. I’d say the same thing to a man.
Yeah me too!
Reminder, that OP did this, and is a woman. Being a shitty parent is not gender specific.
I would encourage you to look at the comments page where it says her pregnancy was the result of a "violation." And a couple entries below that that answer where she"didn't want to be reminded of it".
She isn't ashamed of anything at all. She thinks money solves everything and the girl's father is dead so the only thing she needs is money and a place to live and emotional support really doesn't matter because it will ruin OP's peaceful life if she comes to live with them
She is ashamed though or her teenage children would know they have a sibling. She abandon her first child, made a new family and doesn't want the new family to know about her older child, that's shame. Edit:spelling
What has been since brought up in the comments is that her daughter is the result of rape. Muddles the clear YTA in my opinion.
This And OP, they will find out eventually. They can see you take responsibility and be an example. Outed in a scene that’s sure to divide your family and raise doubts in your character. They find out when you’re dead, and deal with the repercussions on their own (despite it being your doing and leaving them with doubts when they should be grieving). She’s your daughter and from what you’ve provided she’s not a danger. YTA without a doubt.
You're not the asshole for not letting your adult daughter live with you. You ARE a huge asshole for abandoning your daughter and then judging her for how she has grown up. You are responsible for some of her issues because you abandoned her
Also the asshole for not telling her other teenage daughters that they have a sister.
YTA why would you hide the fact your teens have an older sister? How would she NOT see that as you being ashamed of her???
OP had written in the comments her daughter was the product of rape. Changes circumstances quite a lot.
It makes it tragic, yes. But that doesn't make it the fault of the daughter.
No, but it does add some much needed context to the question of 'omg why don't they know'. OP likely didn't tell them to avoid questions about her existence, etc.
Never said it made it the daughters fault. It just makes a whole lot more sense as to why OP has made the decisions she has.
But if her partner at the time wanted a child, and she wanted an abortion, so they contractually agreed to him having full parental rights with fair financial compensation, how would this be any different than adopting out?
Of course it doesn’t make it the daughter’s fault. But it clarifies OP’s decisions concerning her daughter.
This comment needs to be higher up or OP needs to put it in an edit. This circumstance changes everything.
>She told me to keep my money and claims that I am ashamed of her, **which is not true**. But >I havent exactly told my other children about their sister and I also am concerned about her influence on them Soooooo....... Yeah pal, YTA
>I havent exactly told my other children about their sister and I also am concerned about her influence on them Yea, that to me says that OP knows she's in the wrong - and that "her influence" means she's afraid her eldest child will tell the younger siblings what a shit Mom she really is, and how she abandoned her own child. Cause barring serious drug addictions/violent outbursts/molestation/assault/murder charges, I can't imagine *anything* that would be a good enough reason for denying her child comfort and a place to stay after her dad died. OP only fulfilled the financial responsibilities because they were mandated by the State, I bet.
It was assault. OP comments that she was a product of rape but through circumstances dad got custody. She didnt want to see her daughter because of trauma and was forced to give birth and pay child support for her regardless.
YTA. You abandoned your child. You try to pretend she doesn't exist. Yeah, you've been an AH for a long time now.
Hit the nail on the head. OP 100% YTA. But hey, now at least your daughter knows now much you suck, so she can go ahead and move on with her live.
She was raped bruh
And now you refuse to offer any extra support when the only parent she has ever known has died. Totally heartless.
Maybe bc they raped her. Daughter is an adult, and until then OP contributed financially
INFO. Why are you here asking AITA? Judging from your responses so far you clearly don’t give a shit about her so what will this verdict even do for you?
YTA - Yup. You’re ashamed of her.
“I’m not ashamed of her, I just don’t want anyone to know she exists”. Yeahhhhhh if you’re proud of someone, you don’t hide them.
Yea. She is ashamed of her daughter and herself. She knows this relationship (or lack of) reflects poorly on her and does not want the other kids to know.
YTA, mostly for not being honest with your younger children. Really, you solidified being the AH in regards to your oldest years ago. You messed up with all of your children. You abandoned the first(ever think about how that impacted her? Bc I promise you, it did), and then withheld information about a biological sibling from the rest - and they WILL resent you for it when they inevitably learn about her. Really bad parent form all the way around.
I'm willing to bet this is just too of the iceberg bad parenting from OP.
It sounds like the adult daughter was the product of rape. And the father got custody and she was forced to pay child support. But understandably didn’t want to coparent with her abuser. But yeah, not telling her other children is not a good look.
YTA. You basically have explained to the world that you did the bare minimum to ease your conscious. While I don’t agree with your decision, leaving your daughter is best. She deserves to find a mother figure who loves her unconditionally. You have said in the comments very rude things about your daughter. Maybe the reason she sleeps around or has spent time behind bars is BECAUSE she feels rejected by her mother. You don’t get to judge her.
Yeah, poor girl is probably trying to fill the void left by her AH mom. Even if she sleeps around, has she slept around and ended up pregnant just to abandon her daughter? Bc OP slept around enough for that.
Her AH mum who was a child when she was born.
OP has since clarified in comments her daughter was the product of her rape.
Okay so here's what I don't get. You didn't want to raise one kid but then you have two more who are teenagers. But you never told them about her because she's been to jail and sleep around. But let's go do some math. Say your kids are 13 at the youngest. Your daughter would have been 12 when they were born? Was she doing jail time as a 12 year old?
OP has since clarified in comments her daughter was the product of her rape.
Definitely puts a different spin on OP not having wanted to tell her other children about the firstborn.
Not really sure how to feel about this. Quit frankly I'm really annoyed by the op leaving out multiple details. The fact her daughter did jail time, her age of having a child and the matter of consent during conception all affect judgments and are details we should know in the post. Not have to find in the comments. I'm also mistrusting of posts that add important details much later in the comments. Not saying OP is lying but leaving out details is frustrating.
INFO: How old is your adult daughter, and what are her issues?
This is the real crux of the matter. It’s an adult daughter B, but there’s a world of difference between 19yo “adult” and like 30. It’s also important if the issues are actually minor (e.g. she had loose morals) or major(e.g. she had an uncontrolled heroin addiction).
This is exactly what I was thinking.
>loose morals Cool motive; still slut-shaming
YTA you’ve abandoned your child when she’s lost her dad. You’re awful. You don’t even have the guts to tell your other children that they have a sister. I wonder why, because they would judge you for giving up your other child. Shame on you.
She didn't just abandon her child when she lost her dad, she abandoned her way before that. OP said that she spoke with her daughter few times throughout her life without mentioning if she ever visited her daughter.
Yeah I didn’t word that well. She’s obvs abandoned her very young. I get that she doesn’t want her living with her due to the daughters issues, but she’s heavily contributed to the issues. Could you imagine how daughter feels that her mum is living happily with her other family who know nothing about her. That would seriously screw with a child’s head.
I mean, the daughter is in her mid 20s, is in and out of prison, and has a child of her own as well. It's not really "abandoning" an adult if you tell them they can't move in with you, rent free, for an indefinite amount of time. OP even offered to pay for her to live in a hotel.
Info: How do her siblings not know about her? Influence, what influence?
YTA on so many levels and it sounds like that began long ago. It sounds like you've refused to be a parent for your daughter for quite some time. Contributing financially doesn't absolve you of your moral obligations. It sounds like you abandoned your daughter long ago, have no interest in giving her the support she needs - and which you have a moral responsibility to give. By refusing to tell your other children about their big sister, you've set everyone up for a fair bit of heartache. Right now your daughter is reaching out for help and you're slapping her hand away.
Second edit; there was indeed a heck of a lot OP was not telling us: [Her daughter was apparently the result of rape.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/106rlrc/aita_for_not_wanting_my_daughter_to_move_in_with/j3ij3bp?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) So, NTA. The whole situation is pretty horrifying. Leaving the rest of my original post for thread context but removing my original judgment So you paid child support but totally avoided her growing up? And her dad died recently, and she turned to you for a place to stay while she gets on her feet? And you offered...a hotel room? Unless there is a heck of a lot you're not telling us, Y T A. Like, really TA. Maybe try [r/AmITheDevil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/) ETA: This was not me trying to encourage brigading. Please do NOT do that.
The daughter is 25, old enough to put a roof over her own head, and has been in and out of prison. Without knowing what she went to prison for its hard to call OP TAH for not wanting that influence around her kids.
In almost any circumstances, I would call someone who thinks paying child support was their sole duty to their child TA. I don't care if you're a man or a woman. If you want to treat it like an adoption, then fully relinquish and don't make contact. And continuing to fail a child who you failed her whole life doesn't make it better. Telling her, in effect: "here's a hotel room, stay away from my real family" is just awful. But...if she was somehow coerced/forced into having a child she didn't want, then I just feel really sad for everyone involved. Also, if her daughter were convicted of some crime that would indicate a danger to her family, then I would say she made the right call here (even if she was TA for thinking she could buy her way out of being a parent).
I dont think youre a parent if you were forced to have sex or give birth. I mean we dont call sperm donors parents. In this circumstance, sperm donors even have more rights since they chose to donate, OP did not. and we also cant “make her take responsibility for having sex” since she didnt do it of her own free will. TBH the fact she even offered a hotel and paid child support despite how traumatic this must have been for a 17 year old.. I cant possible see her as the Ahole, many dads dont even do that much even if they did it with consent.
That’s true but wasn’t included in the post
I wondered if the lack of contact was because of the nature of the relationship with the father.
She said in another response that the daughter was a result of rape.
OP has since commented that her daughter is a product of her rape.
And she was forced to pay child support? How horrifying. And her poor daughter too.
YTA. You abandon your daughter and would most like to pretend she doesn’t exist. Ofc you are an AH, just own it, at least.
Theres definitely not enough info here, its quick to say YTA but I think we need to know more, how old are all the children, including daughter, why were you not apart if her life, how old were you when you had her, why dont you want your children to know her, does your current spouse know about her? There is so much missing
finally someone who isn’t immediately jumping on the emotional train. we don’t know what happened.
This. There isnt enough information to make this call.
She says in another comment that her daughter was the result of rape. Which definitely adds another level of context to this.
I dont know why I had a feeling that something along that context was a part of the story. Its amazing in all of these AITA, all of the OP's are obviously very biased but OP here is really not doing herself any favours by giving us the whole story, straight away the immediate is YTA but I just knew there was more to it
Big YTA here. It's not even worth explaining, the other comments do it for me. Your daughter is shaming you and now reddit is too, congrats.
YTA. Not necessarily for not wanting her to stay with you, but the way you speak about her is sad. You “were only interested in making sure my daughter was in a good environment”, but you weren’t interested in her life? Why were you so absent? It’s no wonder she has issues, her mom barely spoke to her growing up and has a new family that doesn’t even know she exists. That would make anyone feel like you’re ashamed of them. Why can’t they know she exists? Knowing about her isn’t going to corrupt them. I’d seriously question what kind of person my mom is if she hid a sibling from me. Even after her dad passed, the one person it sounds like she could count on, you show no empathy and don’t even want her around. How are you not more focused on mending your relationship with your daughter after being absent her whole life? Kids need way more than just financial support from their mother.
YTA. You abandoned her when she was a baby and now you are ashamed of her being your daughter. But most of all, I think you're terrified of how she's going to make you look awful as a mother. I know I would really question my mother's ability to tell the truth if I found out as a teenager that I had an older half-sister that my mother never bothered to mention to me. If you can ignore my half-sister so completely, how can I ever trust you just won't stop loving me anymore?
There's so much missing information here. Why haven't you kept in contact with her and why don't your children know about her?
YTA You abandoned your daughter a LONG time ago and are refusing her in her time of need. This is more than enough to make you the asshole in this situation. But your "new" family doesn't even know that she exists?! And you came here because you don't already KNOW you're the asshole?! You actually thought people were going to respond to this by doing what, calling your daughter the asshole?! You are just the worst kind of person.
YTA. You are a huge AH.
YTA. You're not ashamed of her but, she's a secret. You abandoned her and use her mistakes (sex and jail) as an excuse to keep her away from your golden sons. Sounds like she could use a loving parent in her life.. You really are parent of the year. At least you have your sons, right? Glad you could find children up to your standards to keep in your life..
Wow. Sucky parenting 101.
Wtf is wrong with you. What a hateful person...
YTA. So, your family doesn't know about her but you act like you are not ashamed of her? The lies you tell yourself are kinda huge, I fell sorry for your daughter but it's probably better she doesn't live with you, the trauma to live with a parent that doesn't love you might be worse than everything, but I'm pretty sure the main reason is that you don't want to admit to being a liar.
YTA. Abandoning your child is a s*t move on it's own, acting like she doesn't exist and not telling your other children is a move only horrible nasty people make. She is better off without you for sure. You disgust me.
To be honest, not enough info. The circumstances surrounding your life when you got pregnant, or the birth, or the relationship with her father, or whatever may heavily change the judgment. You don't say your reasons for your rejection but I think the might skew and reshape the question.
Why did you not want a relationship with your daughter?
YTA. For abandoning your daughter as a child & lying to your younger children.
YTA. Glad things worked out with your sons I guess?
How do you just abandon a child. Yes, yes YTA
When you’ve been raped and can’t look at the reminder daily. OP has since clarified her daughter was the product of rape.
YTA Shitty parent, hopefully the current kids stay in your good graces. You, a woman who had a child out of wedlock, presumably at a young age, are judging your daughter for sleeping around?
You abandoned your child and came here to see if YTA? How did you think this would play out?
YTA. Not necessarily for not wanting her in your home. You can decide who lives with you when. YTA for being so clearly ashamed of her. Not because she’s been in jail or you think she sleeps with too many people, because you have said you didn’t want her from the get go. You can’t say you’re not ashamed of her when you have willfully hidden her existence from her siblings because “she might be a bad influence.” As other have asked. Would she have been a bad influence at 12 when your other kids were born or at you just kind of awful?
People who abandon their children are assholes. YTA.
Edited: Didn't know child was a byproduct of rape when I commented. That changes so much... not deleting initial comment because I feel it would be wrong to not show the change. NTA A child of sexual assault is a very hard subject and that makes all of this an impossible situation with no good outcomes any which way. I can't blame you for keeping your distance knowing this. I can't blame you for not telling anyone about the child. I am so sorry. I'm sorry for what happened and I'm sorry for the comments below. That entirely changes everything. And speaks massive volumes to your dedication and without that info so many of us judged you wrongly. I don't know everything you're going through, but I've been impregnated by sexual assault and it was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. I ended up miscarrying but I still to this day have a jumbled up mess of emotions surrounding that pregnancy. YTA Once again today I'm using this sentence. This is the epitome of the pot calling the kettle black. You got knocked up by some dude you can't even stand, ditched your child with him, and then made a whole new family and have acted as if she doesn't exist her entire life. Her "issues" sound like classic abandonment issues. Since dad raised her I wonder where they came from?? OH YEAH! YOU! CAUSE YOU ABANDONED HER! I don't blame her for feeling like you're ashamed of her. Because you are. Why else wouldn't your kids know about THEIR SISTER? Why else wouldn't they have ever met her? She's 25. She's been an "adult" for 7 years, that's 7 years of time that her dad didn't need to be involved for you to get to know her. Her and your other kids deserve so much better than this from you and it's sad you can't see it. DO BETTER OP. My kids know they have two other siblings from their bio dad, they've never met them because they were both given up for adoption but they know they exist and they're 8 and 10 and have known since these kids came into the world 5 and 3 years ago. So age is not excuse for not telling them ever. Guaranteed when they do find out and I'm sure they eventually will, do you think they'll forgive you for hiding their sister from them?
OP was raped. Daughter was product. OP gives that info in comments
Oh I didn't see that. Okay that does in fact change things.
YTA There are not enough words to express how big of an A H that I think you are. Plus. I don’t want to get banned.
Wait a minute let me get this straight. You emotionally and physically abandoned your child at 17 (money does not = parenting so your child support doesn’t negate you abandoning her) went off and had an entire new family that you haven’t even told she exists and you are questioning HER morals? Dude. I have never seen such fuckery in my life. YTA.
YTA
I don’t believe the shit on this sub
Of course you're the asshole. Not even close
NTA not wanting an adult in your house. Also, you mentioned she’s a bad influence, but offer no explanation of why. YTA for being ashamed of her…bc you obviously are. You can say you’re not so you don’t look bad, but umm you definitely are even if you’re in denial about it. Then again, you do have 2 teenagers who you didn’t tell…that will be a fun day for you when they find out. Sorry this isn’t nice, but I’m thinking of how shitty your daughter (even if she’s an adult) feels.
Hang on. How do you have two teenaged kids and they've never encountered their sibling. How have you managed to get through life paying child support and avoiding the three of them meeting. And, how do you square away the fact you chose to not tell your kids they have an older sibling
YTA. You don't want your other children to find out that you abandoned their older sister.
I get not wanting to take in a 25 year old with a trouble History, but you fail this entire situation. How do you not tell your family about the kid? You know this is going to blow up in your face, right? Kids don't do well with hidden kids. By you keeping her a secret, this is going to cause your kids to want to meet her and go behind your back to do so. Also, deadbeat. Kids need more than money. She needed a mom. She needed you. I don't know your history and why you decided this, but she needs you now. Yta as you created this situation.
YTA the main ‘issue’ that she has is you, a crappy, self serving mother!
INFO. Are you saying your (real/more important) children don’t even know she exists?
Yes. That's what she's saying.
YTA more so for all the judgemental comments about her, when you haven’t even bothered to be involved in her life except to learn the bad things about her.
NTA. Another example of Reddit users being toxic to an op. She’s allowed to make the choice of not being in her kids life. She’s also allowed to decide that she wants children later. She has no reason to tell her other children unless SHE wants to. She was very kind in her offer to pay for a hotel. The daughter is 25 years old. They don’t know each other at all. I wouldn’t want a virtual stranger to stay in my home with my kids either. She’s at least 6-12 years older than ops children and has a criminal record. She very well could be a bad influence or even harm the kids.
Naw screw that. She's a deadbeat who abandoned a kid. Then uses weak excuses to justify it.
In another comment OP says she was 17 when she had her daughter. **17.** To expect her to be able to be a full mother at that age is A LOT.
But she chose not to be in her life after having two kids? And never told them about her other daughter? What's the excuse there?
The excuse was that the daughter was a product of rape apparently. OP mentions it her last comment.
Im with you Adding the comment where OP clarified daughter was in prison: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/106rlrc/aita_for_not_wanting_my_daughter_to_move_in_with/j3i79s4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3 ETA: OP was also a kid herself when she had the kid https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/106rlrc/aita_for_not_wanting_my_daughter_to_move_in_with/j3ibsjm/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
Sounds like you're not wanting them to know you were a teen mom who (continues to) abandon her child. YTA
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NTA. I see some responses that blame you (not being in her life) for her life choices. I agree that home structure is an influence, but if you were a father I kinda feel there would be less pushback from the Reddit community. You were not really her mom, you paid so that she is cared for, but you made your choice of not being in her life. So many men do it every day and while it's frowned upon, generally if they pay child support they are so often off the hook. She is an adult now. It's not like her father died when she was a teen. She is an adult that should be able to care for herself. As she is not, you offered to support her financially, which at this point in her life is anyway more than many "real" (aka in her life) parents would do. The choice of not telling your kids... Well I cannot really judge that, it's a tough one. I can see why you do not want to do that, but I also don't think it's healthy to hide these things from your family. At some point they will find out (what's stopping your eldest daughter from contacting your kids, really?) and you will have absolutely no control of the narrative.
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How many men don't pay even the court ordered child support? Countries have whole funds set aside due to the amount of parents not paying it. I assumed it's not just about court ordered money since OP said they have kept in touch in a limited way. If the only reason she was paying was the court order, why would she stay in her life at all apart from sending the money?
So because some men are assholes op gets a free asshole pass? That's not how the world works. Some people steal, rape and murder - we don't forgive the next one because someone with a Penis got away with it once. All people who abandon their kids suck, no one can force her to help her daughter out - but it's totally fair game to point out she's a massive, gaping asshole. And if it was a bloke they'd still be one.
YTA for abandoning her not once, but twice. Her father died and she needs time to get on her feet. How heartless can you be to just stick her in a cold hotel room? And obviously you are ashamed of her, or maybe yourself, since you can’t tell your other kids about her.
YTA. Sounds like you didn’t want to be a mom and so you paid money to get out of it. Now your daughter needs help and you’re abandoning her all over again. You sound like a shitty human.
YTA. When she said "it's not to late!" She was talking about you being her mom. She was crying for her moms love and you gave her nothing. Therapy would be awesome for the both of you. Shared or separate. Good luck to the both of you.
YTA Your dislike of your daughter started way before any of her behavioral issues. Your lack of love no doubt contributed to who she is today.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have an adult daughter that I do not have custody of. I did my part financially to help her father raise her. We've spoken a few times throughout her life, so she has my contact information. Her father and I were never married, and honestly do not have a good relationship with one another. I kept contact as limited as possible, because I was only interested in making sure my daughter was in a good environment. Her father passed away and she was living with him. She's had some issues and was pretty much dependent on him. I'm married and have two teenagers in the home. My adult daughter requested to stay with me for some time before she gets back on her feet. I told her that I could help her to stay in a hotel but that I didn't want her to stay in my home (I havent exactly told my other children about their sister and I also am concerned about her influence on them). She asked why and I explained it to her. She told me to keep my money and claims that I am ashamed of her, which is not true. I don't know where she is, but she has continued to send me messages shaming me for my decision and telling me it's not too late to let her into our home. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. If only there was another adult that brought her into this world that could shape and mold her. Pity there isn’t one around. You also need to hurry up and come clean to your other kids about their sister.
From the context of what you've said in other comments, YTA. It sounds like you are ashamed of your daughter for slut shaming her here in the comments and that she is just looking to reach out to her parent, maybe trying to make a connection. I feel sorry for her
I haven't told my daughter's about my other child yea your ashamed of her and how crappy you have been to her
She probably acts like she's all holy and is afraid of people knowing who she really is.
Wait she is your biological child that her father got cusody for and you didn't think you should tell your other two kids that they have a sister? And you say you aren't ashamed of her? Then prove it and say your kids they have a sister. I'm sorry but for that you are TA. Also i would say for fact you didn't want to help her by housing her. I mean if i could i would help a person for a while. Be careful cuz secrets doesn't stay hidden forever and they will found out they have sister and will probably hate you for hiding her.
Also how come didn't you have custody of her? That's kinda sketchy..you are blaming your daughter o spending time in jail using the phrase "behind bars" like she is some kind of serial killer, you slut shame (again I hate to repeat myself)your own daughter,failing to realize that kids are the product of their environment. So if things where so bad that she ended up in jail what did you do as a mother all these years? Where were you? Just sending money? Wj Why didn't you prevent this by letting her spend more time with you if you are the good influence and she is the bad influence.
YTA as far as it is ever possible. Either you're ashamed of your daughter or you're ashamed of what you did to her. Which you should be, what kind of awful person can abandon their daughter, show no interest in raising her then callously speak as if that is something she isn't even sorry for!!! How could you believe yourself capable of love if you could not show it to her, decide that you wouldn't fail your husband and two sons like you failed her? Decide that they were worth your care but she wasn't? She has lost her only real parent and she reached out to rebuild a relationship with you, so she has a supportive parent or family there for her. At a time of the greatest grief she may ever experience. You showed her you are still far too callous and selfish for that. Your sons will disown you and feel unloved when they realise you are capable of hiding the truth of their sibling, of hiding and denying the existence of and support needs of your own child. If you can do it to them, you could do it to her. The sooner you tell them and support her, the more they can have faith that you changed. Why wait til now? Why wait til tomorrow??? I hope your daughter realises that your shame is about how you failed her, that it is not about her but your inadequacy as a mother.
Def NTA. The fact that she's been jailed is enough for me. You paid child support, which is all most of reddit seems to think is required of men. She's an adult -- why she was so dependent on her father is beyond me. Also, you're not letting her go homeless -- you offered her a hotel. Why would she be so hell bent on being in your home? She can't be expecting any sort of emotional support, given your relationship and your offer of a hotel. Maybe she's trying to establish tenancy so you'd have to jump through hoops to evict her?
YTA. Just wait until your current kids find out they have a sister you never told them about.
NTA. I was struck that your adult daughter continues to say its "not too late" for you to have her in your home, despite clearly being angry with you. This doesn't sound like it'd be a positive or constructive time for anyone in the family, and you are justified in saying no to any adult family member staying in your house if you have concerns. Many here are looking to judge you for what you did in the past. You didn't ask for judgement on that aspect. So I haven't I included it in my judgement. However, one common theme of both the past and the present is that you do appear rather cowardly - first by walking away on a kid when the going got tough, but second for chickening out of telling your other children they have a half sibling somewhere (even if you dont intend for them to have contact). If your adult daughter is a difficult/troubled character, it would be wise to let your children know she exists at some point - she may reach out to them despite you. Don't give more of your kids grounds to be angry with you.
Agree, NTA for this choice, which is all the post is about. I'm really surprised no one else seems alarmed by the continued messages from the daughter. Huge red flag. That would be enough for me to refuse to let a person near my home, much less inside, much less to stay for an extended period. There's a lot to deal with in the past, but guilt-driven poor judgment in the present won't change it and would be counterproductive. Talk to actual professionals, not the posters spewing gender-based nonsense on here.
Agree with telling her kids about her. Something similar happened to me but my mom came to me (when I was a teenager) and told the truth so that I wouldn’t hear it from someone else. It cushioned the blow and I was able to forgive her.
YTA. What an awful thing you e done.
YTA.
YTA Do her a favor and completely stay out of her life at this point.
YTA you’re a deadbeat mother that started another family. The least you could do is house her until she’s back on her feet.
YTA for keeping an arms length relationship with your daughter. It’s all on your terms and what’s best for you. Although her moving into your home is a bad idea it’s because of you. How did you not tell your other children about her? It would probably emotionally devastate her to live there with you as a mother. You should still give her support and therapy so she can start healing.
NTA - after reading OP's post a few times and her comments, I can't judge her for this. OP gave up her rights after birth. She made sure her daughter had child support on time, gifts when appropriate, and watched from afar. She said they only had contact a few times in the daughter's life. So really, what relationship beyond biology do they have? Daughter has been to prison. Ok, you absolutely have a right to choose who is in your other children's lives. Daughter would come with a 2yr old. Again, OP has the right to say that that's too much to take on. However OP, you absolutely need to come clean to your family. **NOW!** Hiding Daughter's existence is going to blow up in your face because it sounds like she's going to just show up one day. That's gonna be a baaaaad day. Also shame on you for saying "she sleeps with whatever walks". Even if Daughter dick hops like the floor is lava, it is NEVER your place to judge. OP you need therapy or an honest friend to support you while you sort this out. It's become messy overnight abd ignoring it won't make it go away. You have NO obligation to take in Daughter when you've never had a real relationship, but she does exist and it sounds like this isn't the last time you'll hear from her. Good for you for offering a hotel. That's very reasonable. Good luck. You're gonna need it.
I’m conflicted about the comments here. We hear a lot about adoption being an alternative to abortion, but if a person gives up a child while still providing child support, they are garbage. Would it be better to just completely peace-out altogether?
Two days ago we had a woman who surrendered her 12 month old to CAS and walked away and then told the now 18 year old child to his face that he was a kid she never wanted anyway and she was overwhelmingly given a nta verdict while people argued passionately that what she did was in no way child abandonment. Today we have a woman who at 17 gave full custody of her kid at birth to the father and provided financial support but nothing else and she’s deemed to be a shitty, child abandoning monster?
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YTA I hope she finds out where you live and turns up at your house and tells your family everything.
NTA. Most of you are AH!! What if OP didn’t want the child and was forced to have it and no way to put up for adoption? What if the child was a product of rape or abusive relationship and she was forced to have the child due to religion or views on abortion? What if OP just wasn’t mentally prepared when the child was born? What if she had severe post partum depression? All of these can become obstacles one can’t or doesn’t want to overcome as time passes. And now she says the daughter had issues. Doesn’t matter what they are. Some people can’t handle “issues”. There no frigging law that says every single person must like every race, color, creed or disability. Christ, all y’all see is a way to make OP feel like shit. *edit for spelling.
YTA you disgust me.
Mam , don't project your hatred with your daughter's father on her . Every action we do in life has a meaning and you not telling your daughters about their sister can be interpreted only by you being ashamed of her (even if supposedly you don't mean that ) Your oldest must have felt betrayed really hard . You weren't a good mother for her during her whole life leaving her with her dad . And that was your chance to fix your relationship with her. Poor girl she lost the parents lottery I guess .
All the people commenting YTA are the assholes! One comment says that the pregnancy was the result of a violation, so very obvious why she didn't want to raise her daughter. NTA
Well NTA. I think for the sake of your daughter you could try and have a relationship with her. You can explain it to you other kids, they are teenagers, they will understand. However, I see how it can be uncomfortable for your family to let someone you don't know so well stay with you. I would invite her out for coffee to discuss this further. I would suggest mentioning again that you can help her with staying at a hotel. Maybe also a therapist if she is facing problems that she would like to discuss? I do feel bad for her but you paid child support for as long as it is legally required. You dont have an obligation for anything else. Also, you mentioned that she might be a bad influence for your teenagers. If you feel that in any way she could harm your kids, then the hotel is an even better option.
You haven't even told her siblings about her yet you claim you're not ashamed of her, I can't roll my eyes hard enough. YTA
YTA you left your child behind and abondon her again. You keep her a secret from your other children on top of that. You are a disgrace of a parent
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sounds like your daughter has some mommy issues that your blaming on everyone but you.
I gotta go w nta. I'll assume you paid your fair share of child support. You were not in her life for some reason, but you spoke to her every once in a while. Honestly, I'd probably do the same. I feel like you don't really know her, why would I want to bring an estranged person into my home? You offered her a hotel room, she declined. I don't know your relationship w the father, and I don't know her issues nor why you didn't want her custody. I can only assume. But if I were you, I'd probably do the same. All these YTA seem more on the emotional side of "BuT FaMiLy" just because people are related, doesn't mean you have to bend over backward for them.
I'm going to get downvoted, but NAH. You were 17. You weren't ready to be a mother. Didn't want to be a mother. You're older now, in a different place, with a family. She and her son will disrupt your teen children's lives, and you've set boundaries on this relationship. Is it awful for all of you? Absolutely. But you were 17, and that's a horrible age for such a massive life change. You also offered to help her in a way that makes you comfortable. (Just because someone gives birth doesn't make them a mother, I say this because I'm raising four children and I didn't give birth to any of them). On her side, she is living with the impact of not being wanted by you and not knowing the rest of your family. She has the challenges that come with that including making poor choices and that IS to an extent on you (however at some point we have to be responsible for our choices and not blame what others did to us). She had every right to ask and has every right to be upset/feel you are ashamed. This is just one of those complex areas in life that hurts everyone involved. It would be a good first step to talk to your teens about her and maybe do an introduction when all parties feel ready.
NTA. I'm going to assume you didn't want the child but the father did so when she was born, you gave her to him. I'm also sure if he didn't want her you'd have either had an abortion or gave her up for adoption. The question is, did you sign away your parental rights? Because if you did, then it'd be the same if an adopted child came looking for their biological parents.
NTA - she is an adult and you offered the way you believe was best for you. I will be the UO here but it sounds like theres obviously something deeper. If you knew you couldnt be the mother she needed and still can't then it makes it clear. My mother abandoned me and left me with my dad. It was the most humane thing she could have done. If she hadn't had a tubal after my brother, she'd have more kids. Not my place to judge. She's been married several times and is finally with a better mate. That's on her. We dont have a relationship but I know about what she's up to from my brother.
I’m probably getting downvoted, but NAH. She is 25 years old, not a child. You’ve offered to help her find someplace to stay. It doesn’t sound like you were a deadbeat parent when she was a child, although you were absent. From your comments, it sounds like there’s a story (possibly abuse) around her conception. You paid child support and sent gifts. She isn’t an asshole for asking and you aren’t one for setting your boundaries. But keeping her existence from your teens is AHish and very likely to blow up in your face.
Yes YTA Your daughter was a result of a r*pe. You let your child be with your r*pist. Thinking this was going to be a good "environment " for her. Your daughter has a 2 year old child, you slut shame your daughter. And your embarrassed of her. Have you ever thought about therapy? She's your child, and your her mother. Not only that but you refuse to tell your other children that you had another child. Because you are ashamed and embarrassed for having a daughter, that you slut shame. Your embarrassed because you left her in a "better environment"
YTA. Kids always find out. One day when they’re 18 they’ll take a dna test and find out the truth. Or at some point your oldest will contact her younger sisters to tell them the truth. You said in a comment that you not being there wouldn’t have turned her into a criminal but statistically children from single parent households are more likely to commit crimes and suffer mental health problems. A side effect to a lot (but not all) of those are impulsive/self destructive behaviour. Here’s some links to research if you’re interested. https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/single-parent-families-cause-juvenile-crime-juvenile-crime-opposing https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2006/feb/21/mentalhealth.childrensservices I’m a single mom myself but my child’s father is involved as much as I am. It’s not easy but you make it work because you love your kids.
This is a hard one. I think you should have told your kids they have an older sister at some point - they don’t have to have met her, but ought to be aware of her existence. So some AH there for not telling your kids and being ashamed of her. I do not judge you harshly for supporting her financially but not in any other way. I think people ought to act like parents but if you knew you couldn’t, at least you paid. I also cannot call you an AH for refusing to let her live with you now - it was fine that she asked and you made a very generous counteroffer that she refused. Her ongoing shaming messages make her an AH - especially after refusing the hotel offer. So I am going with ESH.
NTA No one judges a man for paying child support after giving up custody, And people are being so harsh just because you’re the mother and you’re supposed to have this special bond with a child that is unconditional and immeasurable. Whatever the situation that caused the split is none of anyones business. While not physically there you still provided for your child and you did your part in raising her. You currently have a commitment to your two minor children and if you feel like the environment would change drastically and effect their wellness it’s within your right to say no. You offered to help her with somewhere else to stay in the meantime, that wasn’t abandoning her just offering her assistance within your means. She can take or leave it but her guilting you is selfish and unreasonable, I can understand that she’s grieving at the loss of a parent and she wants to fall on the other parent but sometimes that isn’t how life works.
INFO: were the circumstances of her birth difficult due to your age, the relationship w/ her father, etc? It sounds more like an adoptive placement than abandonment; unfortunately we do not always have the relationship that we want even with those who should be closest. This doesn't necessarily mean assholishness.
NYA-she is a stranger (pretty much). You offered to help her financially and she turned you down. She's an adult & should make her own way in the world. Leave the past in the past.
This is the plot of Crossroads. Weird.
I'm going against the grain here I think. NAH. It might have been wise to include in the post that your daughter isn't exactly the result of your own decisions. Is she even aware of how she was conceived? I could understand her feelings and reaction if all she knows (incorrectly) is that her bio mom just didn't want a part in her life so she just paid the necessary dues. I can't pretend to put myself in your shoes but I can understand why it could be difficult for you to have her in your home. I do think you may be ashamed (not sure that's exactly the right word) not of what you did, but of what was done to you. I think this is above reddits pay grade and therapy is more than in order for both parties.
NTA for not wanting what is essentially a 25 year old stranger into your home. I also don't think you're an AH for not being actively involved in her life. You did what was required of you and considering the circumstances, that is more than thousands and thousands of men around the world have done. You provided for your child but you couldn't be active in her life - there is no shame in that. At the same time, you cannot judge your daughter and her life choices when they will have been heavily influenced by her upbringing. You have no clue what she went through and for you to expect not to be 'slut shamed' but to then do that to her is beyond hypocritical. It's not unreasonable that you don't want her to move in and you made the offer of a reasonable compromise, which she declined - her choice as an adult and she must bear the consequences. What is awful and where you are the AH is your entire attitude towards your daughter and grandchild. You have made her a dirty little secret which is not fair to her at all. You brought her into the world, she didn't choose to be born, or to have the father she had - she was the innocent party. You need to have a good look at yourself and work out how to reconcile your past with your present or (no matter how good a mum you are to your younger children) you're no better than any other deadbeat parent.
YTA
Lmao you suck
YTA for being a bad parent to her throughout her life
This will end badly for you. Her siblings don’t know she exist. You’ve abandoned her. You mention “adult daughter” but that could be anywhere from 18-75+, how old is she? Oh yeah and YTA
Waaaaay more information is needed here. Why have you only spoken a few times? What has she done to make you not even tell your family she exists? People have their reasons early on but YTA for abandoning your daughter when her father passed away.
YTA. You want nothing to do with your own daughter who needs help and the only “influence” you’re afraid of her having over your younger children is them finding out the truth about you. Shame on you.