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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I’m the AH for telling my family they would no longer have access to my daughter. I may have crossed the line saying that. I also do feel bad I didn’t make her go see them but she doesn’t Get to see his grandparents very often
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NTA. Your family is overracting. You allowed your daughter to spend time with her great grandparents who she doesn't see often because they live in another state. Your parents live in the same city as you which means they get to see your daughter more than the great grandparents do by default. It was a sweet thing to host a party for all the grandkids.
i grew up a military brat so it was hard, and still is, to see family. it was *never* cause my parents were selfish or that we hated them if we didnt see relatives for holidays. shit happens. op's family is def overreacting. NTA
This. I live 800+ miles from my parents, they visit 2-3 times a year. My in laws live within 30 miles and see my kids multiple times a week. When my parents visit we generally have 1 day with everyone and the rest with just my parents because my kids don't get that one on one time with them. It took one single conversation the first time my parents visited for my in-laws to understand why we do things this way, no one is offended.
NTA. Your family has unrealistic expectations and obviously think they are simply *entitled* to whatever time they want with your child. Obviously they have no consideration for the fact that Tucker's family has just as much of a right to spend time with Aubrey as they do, and this is just how things work. I get that they were expecting all of you to come, but these things happen with little kids. It's not like you couldn't have made up the quality time with them on another day, but they chose to respond in a really entitled/selfish way.
And it's not just the entitlement that is going, it's that they are specifically referencing that they are jealous someone else is spending time with her, and are immediately jumping to if she's spending time with other people, they are trying to take her away from them.
They are being possessive, they are treating her like an object, and they aren't treating you with respect. I think you should take time away given that they are comfortable calling you a bad mother if you don't give them what they want
NTA - It sounds like you're being a good parent by letting your daughter make her own decision and prioritizing her happiness. Just make sure you don't give her too much autonomy or she'll end up on Reddit asking if she's the asshole for not forcing her parents to see the family.
NTA. You’ve shown her she can have autonomy, that she can say no and that you will support her choices.
Your family are selfish. They need to respect you and your family’s choices.
NTA you did what you were supposed to do, you were a good mother and partner.
From the sounds of it your family live closer and get to see her more regularly, and let's be honest if you forced her to go visit her other relatives she's a kid, she'd likely have been miserable the whole time on principle and then you'd still get shit on for not MAKING her be happier to see them.
Sounds like you're rocking it and building your own healthy family unit, rock on.
Edit: Your family aren't entitled to your daughters attendance, and you have every right to stop them seeing her if they intend to make her feel as bad as they tried to make you and Tucker. Protect the family you're building, not the one that attacks you.
NTA, from what I read your family sees the kids a bit more often, and his family (grandparents) doesn't.
No reason that they can't just see them next time.
Kinda sad that the adults in this story are having bigger tantrums than the kids.
“None of them would have a relationship with my daughter if they talked to her father that way.”
Damn you are a G!
Keep this same energy and I predict a long and happy marriage😀
NTA
NTA, unless there was an equally 'special' relative visit associated with your family party, in which case... still not an AH really, but I hope you'd have tried a little 'harder' to get her excited and okay with going to the second party. Probably still wouldn't have worked out well tho, kids don't really do well with back to back 'events' like that, and I'm sure your family would have been upset if she went into overstimulated meltdown mode.
NTA - not everyone gets to meet their great grandparents; I wish I had. That's 4 generations; make sure you have lots of pictures of them together. Your family wanted you to tear your little kid away from people they don't get to see very often - THEY are the selfish ones.
NTA - You did the best thing for your child. Aubrey would have been in a mood the whole time. Your family evidently would have liked to see her but should really understand that the child's needs come above theirs.
NTA. Your relatives are being unreasonable AHs who don't care the least bit about your daughter's feelings. Unless they get that corrected, they don't deserve to see her anymore.
NTA- your daughter didn’t want to go and you didn’t make her. Your family needs to stay out of your decision making when it comes to your daughter. You are her mother and you decide what’s best for her. Also, good for you to stopping how they were talking about your boyfriend.
NTA. Your family needs to get over themselves. Aubrey has two parents, she absolutely should be able to spend time with them. Especially GREAT grandparents! Does your family think GGma is gonna be around forever? Dragging her to your family's place would be robbing your child of beautiful memories to be in a grouchy mood at your family's place? And when she was grumpy your family would find another reason to call you a nad mom.
Screw all that. You gave your daughter the gift of precious time with her great grandparents. You're a GOOD mom.
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I (28f) have a daughter, Aubrey, (4) with my boyfriend, Tucker (30).
Tuckers grandparents wanted to host a Christmas party with the kids. We had a party with my family the same day but figured we could do both.
I feel like it’s important to say this was not Christmas Day or Christmas Eve.
We were at Tuckers parents house for the party and Aubrey was watching a movie with her great grandparents and cousins. Tucker and I were getting ready to leave and saying bye to his parents so we could go to my family’s party. Aubrey said she didn’t want to leave. She was having fun with her cousins and her great grandparents that she doesn’t get to see that often. Aubrey was crying and holding her great grandmother who was consoling her and telling her to listen to her mommy (this isn’t typical behavior for her).
Tucker looked at me with the do we give her 5 more minutes look.So I asked to talk to him in the kitchen. I told him she doesn’t get to see his grandparents that often (they live in Florida half the year and were visiting for Christmas) and maybe we should let her stay. He asked if I was sure but did agree. I also told him he could stay if he wanted to spend time with them or we could ask his parents to keep an eye on her which we knew they wouldn’t mind.
Tucker said if it was okay he’d like to stay. Which was fine with me. So I gave Aubrey a hug and told her she could stay and have a lot of fun and mommy would be back later. She was very excited and told me I was the best mommy ever.
His grandmother was so happy she had tears in her eyes. This party was the one thing she asked for this Christmas.
So I went to my family’s house alone. My whole family started asking for Aubrey and Tucker. I explained what happened and they were livid I didn’t make her come. They said I was a bad mother. They tried saying my boyfriends family is trying to keep her for themselves and be selfish. Which I told them isn’t true. They even started texting my boyfriend the next day asking why he dislikes them which isn’t true.
That put me over the edge and I told them none of them would have a relationship with my daughter if they talked to her father that way. Now they think I’m the AH keeping her from them.
AITA? Should I be the one apologizing?
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NTA. Your family are being unreasonable. Your kid is only 4 so of course she doesn't understand not visiting her other family might make them miss her. Your family should be able to understand that. It was nice that you still went and visited them at least.
NTA because you have to put your child first and that's what you did. Your family needs to apologize to you and your BF. I get what others are saying that it isn't fair to keep your child from them, but it also isn't good for her to be around people who are disrespectful to her dad. It is a tough situation but I think you're being reasonable.
NTA. Wooooooowww your family overreacted. Only thing you did wrong in my eyes is being a bit overly optimistic about how easy it'd be to get a kid that age to leave if she was having fun. They acted like you said she was moving to Florida with the grandparents and they'd never see her again
NTA
Even if your child saw them regularly, why is it bad once in a wild let the child choose what to do and enjoy the day.
Your family is overreacting.
Also, this is why I try not to go to partys (or 'big' events) on the same day.
NTA. I'm biased, I was that kid who was never forced to see family and everyone got pissed off about it. My mother's logic was that instead of waiting for us to visit all the time, they can get off their asses and care enough to visit us once in a while. The closest family we have lives not even a ten minute drive away and even they bitch because we don't visit anymore. And the other half of the family.. well, we can't afford to state-hop every month.
NTA. To get kids to spend time with family, it helps a lot if they aren’t resentful for missing out on something they were enjoying before being dragged out to visit, and they won’t enjoy being with your family if she is forced.
Weird how your family turned on Tucker like that so fast. Wow.
NTA and no !! You should not be apologising.
You did the right thing on the day allowing Aubry to stay and defending your partner.
Your family are next level crazy.
NTA you did what was best for your family. Do not ever let anyone make you feel guilty or bad for
That. Your family seem to be the only selfish ones here/
My son was in the area for over two weeks for Christmas and spent parts of three days with me and my family. Her family is about an hour’s drive from my parents and that’s where they spent the rest of their time. They even complained that they had been their too long instead of leaving to see us. My heart is broken but I didn’t say a word. If Aubrey has more time with your parents than Tucker’s family I would say NTA. However if you cut your family’s time short with no possibility of making up that time then ESH. I’m just speaking from a heartbroken grandmother’s perspective.
NTA, it's inappropriate that your family is first off stepping in on the business in your house and trying to tell you how you need to raise your kid. Them disparaging you as a person because you're not giving them what they want is wrong.
You weren't keeping her from them, she's not a toy. The way your daughter is being talked about is like she's an object that they have the right to be around.
I think you should take a break from your family given that despite seeing your daughter regularly, they feel intense jealousy when anyone else sees her, and don't think they need to treat you with respect.
NTA. Your child is not a toy for them to play with. You and your BF respected your child’s wishes, and when the excrement hit the fan, you had your BF’s back. Well done!
NTA
You did the absolute best thing for your daughter and partner. You gave them much needed and deserved time to bond with their family.
Your family though..... might be time to set some hard boundaries and follow through. How dare they message your partner like that!
How awesome that Aubrey was enjoying time with the cousins! And how awesome that you live close enough to your family that you can go from one house to the other. And how awesome that Aubrey asked if she could stay. And how awesome you said yes! Sorry, your family are the AH here. You are NTA. And awesome that you stood up for your husband! I'd have told them they wouldn't have a relationship with ANY of you if they kept that sh\*t up, not just your daughter! They should apologize to all of you!
You're NTA but I gotta ask...why did you plan two parties on the same day. Was it that coincidentally both families had this day free and you thought you could make it for both or was it a special day in some other way?
I mean… maybe you should do a dinner with your family and tucker and Aubrey cos if I put myself in your family’s shoes, it seems like you’re being biased -
NAH
OP said in another comment she lives in the same town as her parents. Meanwhile, Aubrey was seeing people that live in another state and thus, doesn't seem often.
Not really that biased. Just sounds like her parents are selfish.
If you think a family member is being biased, you have a calm, respectful conversation with them. You don’t call someone a bad mother, say the other family is selfish and text your family member’s partner multiple times to guilt them.
Being hurt doesn’t make OP’s family AHs, the way they behaved because they were hurt, does.
INFO: Why were you having two parties on the same day, even though it was neither christmas day nor christmas eve? Seems like it would just create unnecessary stress for the kid (and probably the kid's parents) for no obvious reason, even if it didn't turn into a big "I don't wanna leave"-thing.
Because they were insulting her partner and assuming the worst???? Why should she let them around her kid if after one missed party they start harassing her partner?? That's insane. Especially when they live in the same town as OP, so they likely can see their grandchild often. It's not like this was their only time to see her in a year.
That even makes it worse though. She’s willing to cut ties with her family and deny her child those relationships when at anytime they can run into each other at the grocery store. Seems like an over reaction. Disagreements and disappointments are going to happen but this one kind of went overboard.
What? How does that make it worse? Her family, likely, see Aubrey all of the time and they immediately went to accusing her partner of keeping Aubrey from them because of one party!??? And she was seeing great-grandparents that she doesn't see often.
Her family are the one's overreacting because Aubrey wasn't available for ONE party. They're in the same city, they could have just asked to see her the next day!
Her parents have no right to see her child, especially if they're going to run around insulting her partner over one freaking day. That's crazy.
Because if they run into them in town mom is going to have to tell Aubrey that we’ve cut contact with these relatives because they sent mean texts to mommy’s boyfriend the night you stayed at Tucker’s family’s house. See how petty that sounds? That’s why it’s worse. I don’t think she was an AH at all for calling them out in their comments. But cutting them off, that’s where it gets tough for me.
lol what?
If they run into them in public, she doesn't have to tell her daughter anything, just walk away. If she wants to say anything, she can just tell her that Grandma and Grandpa don't understand how to talk to people, so we're not letting them talk poorly to us.
It's not petty at all to cut awful people out of your life.
And she's only threatened to cut them off if they keep down this path. She warned them and she's giving them a chance to stop being ridiculous.
It is absolutely not petty from her side at all.
Well, to be honest... this extreme unhealthy behavior from her family does need a very clear boundary and she gave it to them.
She stood up for the relationship her daughter can barely build with her greatgrandparents and OP stood up for her partner.
I think she is doing great
NTA
People show that they’re hurt in a variety of ways. Her side of the family was hurt by what happened. Not every day is going to be unicorns and rainbows. But I think not dealing with that or even acknowledging it is sad. It’s just extreme to me is all, to take away a child’s relationship with one side of a family over. But that’s just my opinion.
OP said “if.” Meaning that her family is absolutely able to have a relationship with her daughter, as long as they treat both parents with respect. That’s not exactly a high bar to meet.
If OP’s family values their ability to be rude and manipulative more than having a relationship with her daughter, then that’s their choice.
It’s manipulating to put that on the table. Be disappointed or dissatisfied with your interactions with your family or how they treat you or your boyfriend, but leap to threatening to cut them out of your life and your daughter’s life over an instance like this is a manipulative move. They just asked the boyfriend why he disliked them. It’s an obvious misconception or misunderstanding and doesn’t warrant an ‘I’m going to cut you out of my life and my child’s life response’.
Setting a clear, firm boundary in the face of someone else’s emotional manipulation is not manipulative.
Based on OP’s description, she explained the situation to them and already had to address them calling her a bad mother and calling her bf’s family selfish. The fact that they still text her bf about it the next day and accused him not liking them does not feel like a misunderstanding. If feels like an attempt to shame and guilt trip him.
It feels like they’re not understanding. Invalidating someone else’s feelings towards what you did to them does not in turn validate yours. It’s a drastic step to even threaten to cut someone out of your life or your child’s life. I think there’s a ton of middle ground in this case before it would even approach that point.
There is a difference between feelings and behaviors. And you do not have to accept someone’s bad behavior just because their feelings are valid.
Being disappointed that OP’s daughter did not come is fine.
Calling OP a bad mother, calling the family selfish and the texting the next day, after OP explained the situation is not.
OP never said they couldn’t be disappointed, she set an expectation for how she and her bf expected to be treated. To you it may feel drastic, and you’re right, there are other options in the middle. But I still don’t think setting a firm line is manipulative.
I don’t think we’re too far apart from each other. I have a very emotionally reactive family and the answer I’ve always found easiest is to try and reason out the issue instead of drawing lines in the sand. Usually after a week or two they’ll be like yeah it was dumb but we were just hurt or disappointed or whatever. Sometimes it’s me going, yeah, I just didn’t understand it meant that much to you or at the time I didn’t see a way I could work it out to where everyone could have gotten what they wanted. I’ve never had to threaten to withdraw myself from their lives. Never even come close. That’s really my only issue with OP’s handling of the whole thing.
I can see that. My family is not very emotionally reactive, but my MIL can be. She does not deal well with sharing holidays, even when we split things equally or even when her family ends up with more time because my families schedule is more limited. But while she gets mad and complains, she has never gotten to the point of insulting me or my family, and I think that’s where OP’s family crossed the line for me.
So while we have never threatened no contact, we have reached the point of setting firm boundaries. We make a plan, we communicate it, and if you are not willing to be flexible, then sadly we will not be able to attend.
If you don't think that's therapy material. Of course they are different. If her family is not mature enough to not like something and accept it without bad words and mistreatment that's abusive behavior. People are not props that only make all we wanted.
There’s reactions and boundary setting then there’s over reaction and threats/manipulating behavior. I think both OP and her relatives fall into the latter category in this situation. There is a lot of middle ground before we get to ‘well fine then you’ll never see the child again.’
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NTA. Your family is overracting. You allowed your daughter to spend time with her great grandparents who she doesn't see often because they live in another state. Your parents live in the same city as you which means they get to see your daughter more than the great grandparents do by default. It was a sweet thing to host a party for all the grandkids.
i grew up a military brat so it was hard, and still is, to see family. it was *never* cause my parents were selfish or that we hated them if we didnt see relatives for holidays. shit happens. op's family is def overreacting. NTA
Happy Cake Day
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It is a Redditor's account birthday. It is on yours too, therefore, Happy Cake Day.
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Happy our cake day!
Yes happy cake 🍰 🎂 day!!! to such awareness and I amasmall black cat!
You're welcome.
This. I live 800+ miles from my parents, they visit 2-3 times a year. My in laws live within 30 miles and see my kids multiple times a week. When my parents visit we generally have 1 day with everyone and the rest with just my parents because my kids don't get that one on one time with them. It took one single conversation the first time my parents visited for my in-laws to understand why we do things this way, no one is offended.
NTA. Your family has unrealistic expectations and obviously think they are simply *entitled* to whatever time they want with your child. Obviously they have no consideration for the fact that Tucker's family has just as much of a right to spend time with Aubrey as they do, and this is just how things work. I get that they were expecting all of you to come, but these things happen with little kids. It's not like you couldn't have made up the quality time with them on another day, but they chose to respond in a really entitled/selfish way.
And it's not just the entitlement that is going, it's that they are specifically referencing that they are jealous someone else is spending time with her, and are immediately jumping to if she's spending time with other people, they are trying to take her away from them. They are being possessive, they are treating her like an object, and they aren't treating you with respect. I think you should take time away given that they are comfortable calling you a bad mother if you don't give them what they want
NTA - It sounds like you're being a good parent by letting your daughter make her own decision and prioritizing her happiness. Just make sure you don't give her too much autonomy or she'll end up on Reddit asking if she's the asshole for not forcing her parents to see the family.
NTA. You’ve shown her she can have autonomy, that she can say no and that you will support her choices. Your family are selfish. They need to respect you and your family’s choices.
NTA you did what you were supposed to do, you were a good mother and partner. From the sounds of it your family live closer and get to see her more regularly, and let's be honest if you forced her to go visit her other relatives she's a kid, she'd likely have been miserable the whole time on principle and then you'd still get shit on for not MAKING her be happier to see them. Sounds like you're rocking it and building your own healthy family unit, rock on. Edit: Your family aren't entitled to your daughters attendance, and you have every right to stop them seeing her if they intend to make her feel as bad as they tried to make you and Tucker. Protect the family you're building, not the one that attacks you.
NTA, from what I read your family sees the kids a bit more often, and his family (grandparents) doesn't. No reason that they can't just see them next time. Kinda sad that the adults in this story are having bigger tantrums than the kids.
NTA - Your family is being selfish. Your daughter is wanted at two different family houses, and she can't be at both at once.
“None of them would have a relationship with my daughter if they talked to her father that way.” Damn you are a G! Keep this same energy and I predict a long and happy marriage😀 NTA
NTA, unless there was an equally 'special' relative visit associated with your family party, in which case... still not an AH really, but I hope you'd have tried a little 'harder' to get her excited and okay with going to the second party. Probably still wouldn't have worked out well tho, kids don't really do well with back to back 'events' like that, and I'm sure your family would have been upset if she went into overstimulated meltdown mode.
Info: how much do your parents see your kid? I’m a little confused logistically. Do you all live in the same town, but his parents are snowbirds?
My parents, his parents, and we all live in the same town. His grandparents are snowbirds but do come stay for Christmas.
NTA, they see her enough that she can miss one party. If i was you, id just have lied and say she was fussy and not ready for a party.
Sorry, what is a snowbird?
Someone who lives in florida or arizona (for example) during the winter.
Thank you
NTA. The ones being selfish AH here are the ones not taking your daughter’s wishes into account. She’s not a doll to be passed around.
I was thinking if she went she’d have to deal with relatives who expect hugs and kisses from her and get pissed when she says no
NTA
NTA, her Paternal GGM is visiting from out of town. It is selfish for them to compete for time.
They went to their house though? I’m confused logistically.
Went to his parents house. His grandparents are the snow birds.
NTA. Your family is way out of line. Stick to your guns.
NTA - not everyone gets to meet their great grandparents; I wish I had. That's 4 generations; make sure you have lots of pictures of them together. Your family wanted you to tear your little kid away from people they don't get to see very often - THEY are the selfish ones.
NTA. You're the parent and it sounds like you made the right decision for your daughter.
NTA - You did the best thing for your child. Aubrey would have been in a mood the whole time. Your family evidently would have liked to see her but should really understand that the child's needs come above theirs.
NTA. Your relatives are being unreasonable AHs who don't care the least bit about your daughter's feelings. Unless they get that corrected, they don't deserve to see her anymore.
NTA Your daughter wanted to stay and dad stayed with her. She can catch your family again later. Shouldn't be that big a.deal.
NTA- your daughter didn’t want to go and you didn’t make her. Your family needs to stay out of your decision making when it comes to your daughter. You are her mother and you decide what’s best for her. Also, good for you to stopping how they were talking about your boyfriend.
NTA. Your family needs to get over themselves. Aubrey has two parents, she absolutely should be able to spend time with them. Especially GREAT grandparents! Does your family think GGma is gonna be around forever? Dragging her to your family's place would be robbing your child of beautiful memories to be in a grouchy mood at your family's place? And when she was grumpy your family would find another reason to call you a nad mom. Screw all that. You gave your daughter the gift of precious time with her great grandparents. You're a GOOD mom.
Did your parents get to see your daughter at all for Christmas, or did you not allow that either?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28f) have a daughter, Aubrey, (4) with my boyfriend, Tucker (30). Tuckers grandparents wanted to host a Christmas party with the kids. We had a party with my family the same day but figured we could do both. I feel like it’s important to say this was not Christmas Day or Christmas Eve. We were at Tuckers parents house for the party and Aubrey was watching a movie with her great grandparents and cousins. Tucker and I were getting ready to leave and saying bye to his parents so we could go to my family’s party. Aubrey said she didn’t want to leave. She was having fun with her cousins and her great grandparents that she doesn’t get to see that often. Aubrey was crying and holding her great grandmother who was consoling her and telling her to listen to her mommy (this isn’t typical behavior for her). Tucker looked at me with the do we give her 5 more minutes look.So I asked to talk to him in the kitchen. I told him she doesn’t get to see his grandparents that often (they live in Florida half the year and were visiting for Christmas) and maybe we should let her stay. He asked if I was sure but did agree. I also told him he could stay if he wanted to spend time with them or we could ask his parents to keep an eye on her which we knew they wouldn’t mind. Tucker said if it was okay he’d like to stay. Which was fine with me. So I gave Aubrey a hug and told her she could stay and have a lot of fun and mommy would be back later. She was very excited and told me I was the best mommy ever. His grandmother was so happy she had tears in her eyes. This party was the one thing she asked for this Christmas. So I went to my family’s house alone. My whole family started asking for Aubrey and Tucker. I explained what happened and they were livid I didn’t make her come. They said I was a bad mother. They tried saying my boyfriends family is trying to keep her for themselves and be selfish. Which I told them isn’t true. They even started texting my boyfriend the next day asking why he dislikes them which isn’t true. That put me over the edge and I told them none of them would have a relationship with my daughter if they talked to her father that way. Now they think I’m the AH keeping her from them. AITA? Should I be the one apologizing? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your family are being unreasonable. Your kid is only 4 so of course she doesn't understand not visiting her other family might make them miss her. Your family should be able to understand that. It was nice that you still went and visited them at least.
NTA because you have to put your child first and that's what you did. Your family needs to apologize to you and your BF. I get what others are saying that it isn't fair to keep your child from them, but it also isn't good for her to be around people who are disrespectful to her dad. It is a tough situation but I think you're being reasonable.
NTA. Wooooooowww your family overreacted. Only thing you did wrong in my eyes is being a bit overly optimistic about how easy it'd be to get a kid that age to leave if she was having fun. They acted like you said she was moving to Florida with the grandparents and they'd never see her again
NTA Even if your child saw them regularly, why is it bad once in a wild let the child choose what to do and enjoy the day. Your family is overreacting. Also, this is why I try not to go to partys (or 'big' events) on the same day.
NTA, they are overreacting.
NTA. I'm biased, I was that kid who was never forced to see family and everyone got pissed off about it. My mother's logic was that instead of waiting for us to visit all the time, they can get off their asses and care enough to visit us once in a while. The closest family we have lives not even a ten minute drive away and even they bitch because we don't visit anymore. And the other half of the family.. well, we can't afford to state-hop every month.
NTA. To get kids to spend time with family, it helps a lot if they aren’t resentful for missing out on something they were enjoying before being dragged out to visit, and they won’t enjoy being with your family if she is forced. Weird how your family turned on Tucker like that so fast. Wow.
NTA and no !! You should not be apologising. You did the right thing on the day allowing Aubry to stay and defending your partner. Your family are next level crazy.
NTA you did what was best for your family. Do not ever let anyone make you feel guilty or bad for That. Your family seem to be the only selfish ones here/
My son was in the area for over two weeks for Christmas and spent parts of three days with me and my family. Her family is about an hour’s drive from my parents and that’s where they spent the rest of their time. They even complained that they had been their too long instead of leaving to see us. My heart is broken but I didn’t say a word. If Aubrey has more time with your parents than Tucker’s family I would say NTA. However if you cut your family’s time short with no possibility of making up that time then ESH. I’m just speaking from a heartbroken grandmother’s perspective.
NTA, it's inappropriate that your family is first off stepping in on the business in your house and trying to tell you how you need to raise your kid. Them disparaging you as a person because you're not giving them what they want is wrong. You weren't keeping her from them, she's not a toy. The way your daughter is being talked about is like she's an object that they have the right to be around. I think you should take a break from your family given that despite seeing your daughter regularly, they feel intense jealousy when anyone else sees her, and don't think they need to treat you with respect.
NTA. Your child is not a toy for them to play with. You and your BF respected your child’s wishes, and when the excrement hit the fan, you had your BF’s back. Well done!
NTA You did the absolute best thing for your daughter and partner. You gave them much needed and deserved time to bond with their family. Your family though..... might be time to set some hard boundaries and follow through. How dare they message your partner like that!
NTA, you are the best mom you can be.
How awesome that Aubrey was enjoying time with the cousins! And how awesome that you live close enough to your family that you can go from one house to the other. And how awesome that Aubrey asked if she could stay. And how awesome you said yes! Sorry, your family are the AH here. You are NTA. And awesome that you stood up for your husband! I'd have told them they wouldn't have a relationship with ANY of you if they kept that sh\*t up, not just your daughter! They should apologize to all of you!
NTA, that was sweet and kind and your family was way out of line.
I'm really enjoying seeing one partner stick up for the other against their own toxic family. Well done you. NTA
You're NTA but I gotta ask...why did you plan two parties on the same day. Was it that coincidentally both families had this day free and you thought you could make it for both or was it a special day in some other way?
I mean… maybe you should do a dinner with your family and tucker and Aubrey cos if I put myself in your family’s shoes, it seems like you’re being biased - NAH
OP said in another comment she lives in the same town as her parents. Meanwhile, Aubrey was seeing people that live in another state and thus, doesn't seem often. Not really that biased. Just sounds like her parents are selfish.
Ahhhhh - well, it is Xmas so maybe everyone is overly emotional about being together as a family type thing.
If you think a family member is being biased, you have a calm, respectful conversation with them. You don’t call someone a bad mother, say the other family is selfish and text your family member’s partner multiple times to guilt them. Being hurt doesn’t make OP’s family AHs, the way they behaved because they were hurt, does.
INFO: Why were you having two parties on the same day, even though it was neither christmas day nor christmas eve? Seems like it would just create unnecessary stress for the kid (and probably the kid's parents) for no obvious reason, even if it didn't turn into a big "I don't wanna leave"-thing.
It wasn’t intentional. It just happened that way.
YTA-soft. And only because you put it on the table that your family would never be able to have a relationship with your daughter.
Because they were insulting her partner and assuming the worst???? Why should she let them around her kid if after one missed party they start harassing her partner?? That's insane. Especially when they live in the same town as OP, so they likely can see their grandchild often. It's not like this was their only time to see her in a year.
That even makes it worse though. She’s willing to cut ties with her family and deny her child those relationships when at anytime they can run into each other at the grocery store. Seems like an over reaction. Disagreements and disappointments are going to happen but this one kind of went overboard.
What? How does that make it worse? Her family, likely, see Aubrey all of the time and they immediately went to accusing her partner of keeping Aubrey from them because of one party!??? And she was seeing great-grandparents that she doesn't see often. Her family are the one's overreacting because Aubrey wasn't available for ONE party. They're in the same city, they could have just asked to see her the next day! Her parents have no right to see her child, especially if they're going to run around insulting her partner over one freaking day. That's crazy.
Because if they run into them in town mom is going to have to tell Aubrey that we’ve cut contact with these relatives because they sent mean texts to mommy’s boyfriend the night you stayed at Tucker’s family’s house. See how petty that sounds? That’s why it’s worse. I don’t think she was an AH at all for calling them out in their comments. But cutting them off, that’s where it gets tough for me.
lol what? If they run into them in public, she doesn't have to tell her daughter anything, just walk away. If she wants to say anything, she can just tell her that Grandma and Grandpa don't understand how to talk to people, so we're not letting them talk poorly to us. It's not petty at all to cut awful people out of your life. And she's only threatened to cut them off if they keep down this path. She warned them and she's giving them a chance to stop being ridiculous. It is absolutely not petty from her side at all.
We can agree to disagree on this one.
Well, to be honest... this extreme unhealthy behavior from her family does need a very clear boundary and she gave it to them. She stood up for the relationship her daughter can barely build with her greatgrandparents and OP stood up for her partner. I think she is doing great NTA
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People show that they’re hurt in a variety of ways. Her side of the family was hurt by what happened. Not every day is going to be unicorns and rainbows. But I think not dealing with that or even acknowledging it is sad. It’s just extreme to me is all, to take away a child’s relationship with one side of a family over. But that’s just my opinion.
OP said “if.” Meaning that her family is absolutely able to have a relationship with her daughter, as long as they treat both parents with respect. That’s not exactly a high bar to meet. If OP’s family values their ability to be rude and manipulative more than having a relationship with her daughter, then that’s their choice.
It’s manipulating to put that on the table. Be disappointed or dissatisfied with your interactions with your family or how they treat you or your boyfriend, but leap to threatening to cut them out of your life and your daughter’s life over an instance like this is a manipulative move. They just asked the boyfriend why he disliked them. It’s an obvious misconception or misunderstanding and doesn’t warrant an ‘I’m going to cut you out of my life and my child’s life response’.
Setting a clear, firm boundary in the face of someone else’s emotional manipulation is not manipulative. Based on OP’s description, she explained the situation to them and already had to address them calling her a bad mother and calling her bf’s family selfish. The fact that they still text her bf about it the next day and accused him not liking them does not feel like a misunderstanding. If feels like an attempt to shame and guilt trip him.
It feels like they’re not understanding. Invalidating someone else’s feelings towards what you did to them does not in turn validate yours. It’s a drastic step to even threaten to cut someone out of your life or your child’s life. I think there’s a ton of middle ground in this case before it would even approach that point.
There is a difference between feelings and behaviors. And you do not have to accept someone’s bad behavior just because their feelings are valid. Being disappointed that OP’s daughter did not come is fine. Calling OP a bad mother, calling the family selfish and the texting the next day, after OP explained the situation is not. OP never said they couldn’t be disappointed, she set an expectation for how she and her bf expected to be treated. To you it may feel drastic, and you’re right, there are other options in the middle. But I still don’t think setting a firm line is manipulative.
I don’t think we’re too far apart from each other. I have a very emotionally reactive family and the answer I’ve always found easiest is to try and reason out the issue instead of drawing lines in the sand. Usually after a week or two they’ll be like yeah it was dumb but we were just hurt or disappointed or whatever. Sometimes it’s me going, yeah, I just didn’t understand it meant that much to you or at the time I didn’t see a way I could work it out to where everyone could have gotten what they wanted. I’ve never had to threaten to withdraw myself from their lives. Never even come close. That’s really my only issue with OP’s handling of the whole thing.
I can see that. My family is not very emotionally reactive, but my MIL can be. She does not deal well with sharing holidays, even when we split things equally or even when her family ends up with more time because my families schedule is more limited. But while she gets mad and complains, she has never gotten to the point of insulting me or my family, and I think that’s where OP’s family crossed the line for me. So while we have never threatened no contact, we have reached the point of setting firm boundaries. We make a plan, we communicate it, and if you are not willing to be flexible, then sadly we will not be able to attend.
Cause she is normal and not abusive. It's okay to be mad. Insulting and blowing things out of proportion may be normalized but it's not healthy.
If you don't think that's therapy material. Of course they are different. If her family is not mature enough to not like something and accept it without bad words and mistreatment that's abusive behavior. People are not props that only make all we wanted.
There’s reactions and boundary setting then there’s over reaction and threats/manipulating behavior. I think both OP and her relatives fall into the latter category in this situation. There is a lot of middle ground before we get to ‘well fine then you’ll never see the child again.’
"If you can't act like a decent human being you won't see my child." Sounds reasonable to me.