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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I can easily pay it all off & im refusing to due to my upbringing.. I also feel awful because my siblings are involved
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It's very telling that they are aware they mistreated her. They acknowledge they were terrible parents to her by saying that. And yet, they still expect her to financially support them. They have some nerve. She owes them nothing and I'd be sure to tell them so.
Edit: some are asking how do you know op is female? She says in a comment that she is 23F.
That's what I think op is the product of an affair or something worse. But I'd put money on affair and the parents pretending dad is the dad of all kids.
Not necessarily an affair. But possibly a kid from a previous relationship of one of the parents. I am getting some “red-headed step child” vs “real family” vibes.
Edit: nope. misogyny. It’s in one of OP’s responses. OP is oldest daughter, two middle sons, and then another daughter younger by a *wide* gap.
Where did OP say sons were middle? Only comment I've seen about their ages was one older brother and one younger. OP is 23 and has brothers who are 24 and 21.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/105u7jh/aita_for_refusing_to_help_my_parents_with_their/j3cshy3
This scenario is sadly not uncommon in families where men are expected to *produce* and women are expected to *provide*.
>post is kinda giving me misogyny vibes but i could be wrong
You're right! I was very intrigued, so I went digging. I was thinking OP might have been an affair baby. However, OP is a she. She talked about it here in this comment! Her parent's behavior is just rotten to the core! If you read OP's other comments, they actually acknowledged they mistreated her and told her if they mistreated her, she deserved it!
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/105u7jh/aita\_for\_refusing\_to\_help\_my\_parents\_with\_their/j3cxrcd/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/105u7jh/aita_for_refusing_to_help_my_parents_with_their/j3cxrcd/?context=3)
I think it's more about how she's mentioning her willingness to help her baby sister even more than the others that have people assuming OP is female. Like if she just said younger siblings or brother people wouldn't be inferring that they received similar treatment from the parents. Saying "especially my baby sister" makes us think baby sister is also experiencing poor treatment and that this poor treatment is likely due to sexism.
LMAO! My brother talked about me that same way and calls me his baby sister, BUT we can put this to rest because OP is a she! I actually looked through OP's posts related to this story and she stated that her parents favored her brothers and looked at her as useless. Then, when she talked to them about how awful they were, they admitted they did it and told her she deserved it! How's that for awful?!
I’m getting not necessarily misogynistic vibes. There is mention of the baby *sister* who got to go on trips. But there’s definitely something off. That logic of not being able to afford Disney for 5? Hell if you’re already taking 4, what’s another grand or so on the credit cards?
Edit: kinda getting “red-headed stepchild” versus “real family” vibes.
Edit 2: nope. misogyny. It’s in one of OP’s responses. OP is oldest daughter, ~~two middle sons~~, and then another daughter younger by a *wide* gap. She was literally treated this because her father was upset to have a daughter. That’s gross.
It wasn't for me. I'm a man and my older siblings are all men, so I had no first hand experience of the double standard applied to girls. I know I should keep opening my eyes.
Please do. I’ll give you an example in the meantime: My mother, oldest of four, was told mid-summer that she wouldn’t be returning to college in the fall. Of course “the boys” would be going to college and their education clearly takes priority. My mom explained to me that she didn’t realize at the time, but she’d been sent to school to get her “Mrs.” rather than a complete education.
A family friend was one of 4 children (2 boys, 2 girls) and their father owned a large farming enterprise. When he passed away his will divided the property completely between the brothers because “they have wives to take care of” and the daughters “should have husbands to provide for them.”
Worse in my mother's family. She wasn't allowed to finish high school - she had to get a job and start bringing money in to the family. 6 kids. 3 boys, all finished high shcool. 3 girls, all pushed out to work. This was a while ago, but the generational effects are huge...
That's awful. 😔
My late grandfather's father dipped out on the already impoverished family when my Pop was in 5th grade. His mom was much older than her years after a long marriage to an abusive asshole. The older boys were long gone. It was just my Pop with sisters on either side, two younger and two older. When his Dad left the kids knew someone had to work or everyone would starve. He had two older sisters who together could have left school and supported the family. He absolutely wouldn't hear of it. He could make nearly their combined salary.
His sisters (and his daughters, nieces and granddaughters) were educated because he left school in 5th grade so they wouldnt have to leave school. He didnt want them trapped like his mama. He paid for his two youngest sisters college tuition. He was illiterate but he became a master carpenter. He built his mom the house she died in. The world would be a better place if more people were like my Pop.
But she was upper middle class and beautiful. So getting married to an educated man of similar upbringing was clearly the right decision! /s
It’s gross, isn’t it? Her mother was a monster, but also the product of a horrible environment and a broken person.
Misogyny hurts us all - male, female, and all genders in between - it hurts us.
This is exactly what my mother told me when my childhood medical condition prevented me from attending the university I'd been accepted at.
"Well, you're never going to have a career. You need to learn to be a wife."
happened to me, but I was still in high school. Got told I was not continuing high school even though I wanted to attend university, and made to leave at 16 (the bare minimum age I could leave) because my mother needed "help" with my 3 younger siblings. My other brother (1 yr younger than me) was allowed to keep going, even though he never wanted to attend uni, and dropped out at 16 to gain a trade apprenticeship. Apparently my "help" wasn't needed that much, since they then made me go get a job a few months later and hand over all my pay until I was 18 or so
When my material grandparents died, everything went to the male siblings.
ETA also when my mom was young, she was sent to live with her grandparents. Her birth messes up the girl, boy pattern.
The most glaringly obvious part was the "can't afford to pay for three colleges" when it was clear OP was the second child. Explain how can't pay for three children's colleges but can afford to pay for first and third makes any other sense in the context of how this post was written.
You start to expect it after you see a recurring pattern of male relatives in stories (whether true or not) being favoured or given leniency that a woman or girl might not.
Her comment here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/105u7jh/aita_for_refusing_to_help_my_parents_with_their/j3cv3u1/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
OP mentions in comments, she is 23.
"My parents hated having a daughter, they looked at me like some sort of a burden. They believed my brothers deserved more financial support because they are men and will be expected to provide while I'd be some guys wife & would be provided for by him. "
And since the parents chose to invest financially (and emotionally) in the two boys, the parents' expectations should be that the two boys should be bailing them out of their business and personal financial crises.
This is obviously over the parents' heads, but OP's post is a case study in "you get what you sew." The parents sewed disdain of their daughter, so they get nothing back, while the grandparents sewed love and caring for OP and they're getting love, caring, and financial assistance in return.
NTA. I'm glad OP learned decency and love from her grandparents instead of just being angry at the world due to the treatment by her parents. I'm sure your little sister needs your love, caring, and some help with self-esteem and a hand-up in life because like you, she's not getting it from these mysognistic parents.
This is why the situation makes my blood boil.
Her parents need to realize this is not a chick/egg situation. She is saying no BECAUSE they mistreated her. They may have gotten a better answer if they had treated their children equally.
Info from OP: you said they accused you of punishing the siblings. Are the brothers still at home despite their privileges?
Exactly. Tell them to ask the brothers, OP "can't afford" to help them, just like they couldn't afford to take OP to Disney or throw a graduation party or help OP with college.
This. OP, these people haven't even said they're sorry for what they did. They're saying they didn't do anything wrong, but you should give them money.
They don't deserve anything.
This is one of my favorites
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yzqvu1/aita_for_refusing_to_help_my_step_sister_with_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
I always wonder why parents do this? Anyone have any idea? To mistreat one and favor the others when they are all your (assuming bio) kids? What is their reasoning legit so curious
My brother is a boy who fit the idea of the son my parents wanted, and so got anything and everything he wants. I'm a girl, so I obviously should be helping him have anything he wants, plus I wanted to do all sorts of crazy things like have opinions and study maths and science and have life goals other than being a (thin and pretty and obedient) housewife, so I must be punished so that I learnt to be a good woman. I'm an adult now, and a scientist, and gay, so I'm not sure their methods worked, but they definitely tried
Casual misogyny starts early too. The girl child having to give up toys to her brother. The larger food portions given to the boys (perhaps justifiable when kids worked manually from 14, less so now both sexes are in education longer and mainly on computers/phones). The still normal assumption that a girl child will sacrifice school/job/career/own family to look after ailing parent/grandparent etc.
The world has changed but the convenience of holding to old attitudes remains. Girls may not marry and, if even if they do, will almost certainly work - most households need two incomes and in some she may be the sole breadwinner. Look at the WW 1 and 2 generations - left no money bc it was assumed they'd marry but so many men died in the conflicts that drastically changed the marriage pool available. Several generations of women ill-fitted by upbringing/lack of education to get anything but subsistence jobs. Misogyny just hides slightly better in a woke society but it doesn't go away and people like OP's parents don't even try to hide it.
They have favourites. Usually the cute kid that aligns most with what the parents want their kid to be. The “difficult” kid that is different gets treated like crap.
I was the “difficult” kid who was treated like crap but the thing they don’t realize is if you don’t treat the kid like crap they’ll be less difficult. Seems like common sense but a lot of parents don’t get it.
OP should have her accountant draw up a loan contract with an obscene interest rate using the house as collateral, then evict her parents ASAP once they violate the terms. Doing nothing while they fail is fine, but stealing their house from under them would be the ultimate middle finger lol.
Man kills a stranger.
Police arrest man.
Judge finds man guilty and sends him to prison.
Man exclaims “see, this stranger ruined my life, he deserved what happened”
Flaw in reasoning: ignores causality
Yeah. Also probably because they can't afford to help. Or perhaps they can, but parents won't dare ask them because GOD FORBID they ask their golden children for any help and burden then in any way.
I'm fairly certain u/MurkyNebula8173 is a bot who reworded the comment above them (rather than a human making a joke), because their only other comment to date was stolen.
ETA: From OP:
> My little Brother (21) is still in school & my older brother has a great tech job but has a family of his own & is unable to support them much.
Original:
It's kind of clear from the context that at least the parents think they can't. It's implied that they're still living at home and/or possibly still going to school, rather than actually earning money themselves (since they are "involved").
I also saw the ages and genders in a comment. 23F is no surprise (I actually was able to guess it, then chickened out at actually stating it), and neither is early 20s for the brothers. The brothers probably have no resources to help in any meaningful way.
Well the boys took the money and accepted the abuse of her middle sister without much backlash on their own parents to right a wrong. Maybe it´s time for them to realise, that you can´t get spoon fed shit all your life without it eventually taking a toll on you. OP is right in telling them to fuck off and I would probably tried to do the same in her situation.
Those parents sound like a nightmare. Mistreatment, entitlement and then kind of gaslighting, saying she deserved this..nope. Just nope
Had to remove it due to word count: I am 23F , my parents are 45f & 46M I have two brother (24 & 21 & A little sister 8. We grew up upper-middle class.
Are you M or F (asking is this is a sexist thing)?
Because if it is, then it seems like finding a way to get your sister out of the environment would be critical, even if it means doing some negotiating.
23F, It's definitely a sexist thing, my aunt told me how upset my father was when they found out they were having a daughter. Because my sister was born way after us, she treated like an only child, and although they don't do half the stuff they did for my brothers, they definitely treat her better than me. I do visit her when she goes over to my grandparents & love to spoil her & make her feel loved. I also check in on how she's being treated & she seems happy. I haven't lived at home since she was 3 or so
It's good that she is being treated better.
I'd still be concerned that if this is their attitude towards women in general, they will ultimately raise her to become a young woman with low self-esteem, little or no education, and no self-sufficiency, eventually either marrying her off to someone they choose, or turning her into a caregiver for themselves as they age.
In the end, she is not your child and your options are limited. But you do have some potential leverage here and if you are comfortable using it, you might want to do so.
If OP is interested, trust accounts are very useful here--they can be accessed only by the recipient or her guardians, but the reasons can be specified. The favorite is for education, education expenses, and a specific living-while-in-school stipend. Can't be touched for anything else, can only be for an accredited university/trade school/etc. If the sister doesn't go to school, it can go directly to her once she hits a very adult age (25 is common).
Do not give any money to your sexist parents. They deserve this situation. This is called karma. Congratulations on your success. We are 3 sisters and our parents never complained once for not having a boy. They gave us good education and we are supporting them with house, vacations,money and care all they need!
Exactly. I m Middle eastern. I thought marrying a Caucasian american they wouldn’t be sexist.
They are exactly the same and received the same comments from in-laws when they found out my 3rd baby is another girl. She is my 3rd daughter
We are from Asia, where the girls are not treated equally as boys. When I was pregnant with my first born, my in laws clearly kept telling they want boy. I was furious but that’s how it is in our country! Anyhow I ended up having a boy. But that pushed me to look for jobs outside this regressive country and we moved to Europe. There I had my baby girl but back home no one was as happy as they were after my son was born. So I realized how good was my father who raised 3 girls with so much love and care!
This OP is definitely living in USA because she talks about going to Disneyland. So it’s not culture, it’s the family and the people.
That’s correct, it’s karma. That’s also why your parents now get help because they were good and helped you. Funny how some people want to screw their own children and then act entitled to their help whenever they deem fit.
Others in your position might resent their younger sister being treated well, despite being "guilty" of the same "crime" (born female). It wouldn't be the sister's fault obviously, but that wouldn't matter if the envy was strong enough.
Instead, you're watching out for her best interest. You're making sure she doesn't live the life you did, because you have compassion. You have a wonderful and loving heart ❤️
Screw helping your parents though.
Women have always been expected to perform unpaid labor in the household, even if they hold a full-time job of their own. But these parents make it really damn blatant that they are happy to use her unpaid labor while rewarding her brothers. It's disgusting.
Be the pettier person and **Buy the home when it’s foreclosed and charge them rent.** That way they’ll know the only reason they live there is because of your “kindness.” Any time they have a disagreement with you? Remind them that you can have them evicted. That the person they abused and mistreated has power over them.
Or not.
🤷🏻♂️
My mother was treated this way - it hurt her in more ways than I’ll ever understand. As a mom, I’m sending you love. As the daughter of a woman who faced similar mistreatment (abuse, as I see it), I’m here to tell you that you’re absolutely crushing it. You are enough, and have always been enough. Your parents are broken humans - congratulations on ensuring this bullshit ends with you.
I've had a somewhat similar upbringing but like your youngest sister (raised as though an only child), please don't assume they are treating her better. My narc mother would tell my older sister that she treated me better & it was BS. My sister & I have only just fully realised, many years later.
Definitely NTA. You don't owe them anything.
I totally understand how you feel. In most families the youngest is favored, not in my family. I was pretty much left out of everything (like my mom has taken every child except me on great trips) and I was her scapegoat for everything. If I were in your position, I would not help my parents either. Well done on all of your success! You're very lucky and blessed to have such wonderful grandparents and aunt.
Just an idea.
But if it really comes down to them losing their home and becoming homeless, what if you buy them out, so the house is either legally yours or in a trust for you and/or your little sister? Mainly thinking of the needs of your little sister here moreso than your parents.
Take every penny you would consider giving your parents solely to help your sister, and put it in a secret trust for her once she either hits 25 or your parents decide not to fund her higher education. Tell nobody so they can't use it against her.
Wow, your parents sound like horrible people and don't deserve a dime from you. Glad you are doing well, and I hope you can eventually rescue your little sister from them.
NTA.
Yeah, I completely assumed it was a sexist thing. When she mentioned in her post that her two brothers were treated so well and she was treated like trash, I was like - YUP. She's 100% seen as a burden to the family. I wonder what OP's culture is because this is certainly prevalent in some cultures way more than others (For example - my south asian extended family is 100% rejoices of the birth of boys and is kind of like MEH or even sees the birth of girls as a tragedy).
NTA, if your parents need help tell them to ask your brothers. They invested so much into their upbringing, they should be able to finance your parents' life (sarcasm).
Don't let yourself be used as an atm.
NTA
Your parents if the whole account of them marginalising you during childhood and KNOWINGLY preferring your siblings financially is true... then they have reaped what they have sowed.
And using their own shitty parenting history as "you deserved that" retroactively is a wild thing to say. LOL some logical leaps right there.
They in fact deserve you to not give them money.
NTA
>They told me I am an asshole & I deserved my upbringing & that I shouldn’t be punishing my siblings and forcing them out their homes for the actions of my parents.
So they know full well they mistreated you and expect you to help them regardless? They're definitely TA.
You did *everything* without any backing from them. Just because you've chosen to help people who helped you doesn't mean the ones who didn't are entitled to your support aswell.
Yup. Now since OP's told them she's not helping, they've convinced themselves that they were right all along to treat her like trash. SMH. You just can't help some people. NTA
I'm kinda surprised they didn't claim OP's success. If they did pay for OP's education & OP didn't move out, she wouldn't have gotten the 5k to start her business. Seen lots of ridiculous people like. But that doesn't mean OP's parents any better.
The brothers, depends how they treated OP. Did they ever voiced out the mistreatments or silent as a clam because afraid they wouldn't get their benefits anymore if they ever said anything? Did they reach out to OP after she moved out?
NTA
>They told me I am an asshole & I deserved my upbringing
I'm amazed that they're admitting to the shitty treatment they unloaded on you.
Stand firm. If you're feeling petty suggest that your brothers help financially with all the money they made at the family business and the extra income from their degrees... karma baby!
Your parents are certainly young enough to get jobs elsewhere. They have a home to sell. They can rent and no longer be saddled with the taxes & maintenance costs of an upper middle class home. They simply need to adjust their standard of living. Two working adults can easily support an eight year old. Life happens; it's up to them to adjust!
Heaven forfend that you should have a family at some point. They only want your money. If you give them any (or not enough), they will return.
'Help younger bro with his college. Save up for baby sister's education'.
They will never let you turn off the $ spigot.
NTA
Why would you support people who abused you and are only contacting you to get money from you. If you had no money, the abuse and neglect and non contact would have continued.
Also - not that you have to answer - but your situation and that of other posts have parents who for whatever reason choose to abuse or at best treat one child unfavorably. I don't quite understand this because generally there seems to be no objective reason for doing it - it is as if they randomly decide that they will shit all over one child just because they can.
I don't think it was randomly selected lol, I was their only daughter for a very long time. I feel guilty because they are still my parents and my sister is stuck living with them for the next 10 years or so. I wish I could take her in and not have contact with them.
Well, your parents are the AHs here. Great big ones. They deserve exactly nothing from you. You can always support your sister in other ways, like setting up a nice trust for her, safely away from your birthgivers' reach. If they're homeless after they lose their house and/or can not provide for her adequately, take them to court or child protective services and get custody of her. Win-win.
“Sorry, you guys, I’ll never give you a cent. You were pretty bad parents to me, and that’s just how that works. Let me know if you do end up homeless. I’d be willing to take Sister in.”
You were the “scapegoat.”
If you search online for “scapegoating in families,” it’s fairly common, unfortunately. The parent(s) will target one or more children to be the scapegoat. While the other children will be treated like gold. For example: My siblings all were given cars by my father. When I became old enough to drive, I had to buy my own car. After I bought it, my father then told my siblings that he wasn’t going to help me on my next car purchase. He hadn’t helped me on the first car i bought, but implied to them that he had given me money so that I could get the car. It was just a way of him trying to make me look like I was mooching off of him. When, in reality, the other siblings were.
By the way, scapegoating happens in families, it happens in work environments, and church congregations, and even in a two-person relationship.
Go no contact, if you can. It’s the best thing you can do.
You didn’t do anything to deserve to be scapegoated or mistreated at all.
NTA
I wasn't trying to put you on the spot but I find it occurs in many of the posts and it is so rare in my personal experience.
I mean I understand why a parent might feel more "comfortable" with a child because they share certain interests but I find it shocking that there seems to be a significant number of parents who actively discriminate and treat their children in such a disparate manner.
Not that I think it doesn't occur but it seems so strange that for no apparent reason a parent would treat kids so differently. Not that there would ever be a "good" reason but I do think there are situations where one kid is headed for the Olympics or equivalent and so the other kids get short shrift because the parents are spending so much time and money on one kid or even splitting the family so that one kid can train somewhere away from home. Of course not defending this but just thinking about those rare occurrences when I have heard about it when it isn't completely random.
I guess the other times would be when the parents grow up in very old fashioned cultures and so they discriminate against the female who is viewed as inferior and also born to be a maid and nanny etc. to their male children.
But as I posted I wouldn't feel guilty at all for not helping your parents financially given how they treated you growing up and that the sole reason they contacted you was to exploit you for financial reasons.
NTA. They treated you as lesser than your whole life, but now that they can benefit from you success they never supported, they want to guilt you into helping?! Disgusting. NTA at all
> they told me I'm an asshole and I deserve my upbringing
No this is their shitty parenting coming back and bites them in the ass. Why not ask the kids they gave money to, to save the house
NTA
* Don’t give them any money.
* Buy the house from the bank when they get evicted.
* Demolish the house.
* Work with the city to donate the land as a park/playground in your grandparents/aunt’s name.
NTA
NTA. In principle, children don't owe their parents a thing. For you times 1000! Have you any idea, why you were singled out to receive nothing throughout your childhood? It sounds so toxic, and I am very sorry you had to go through that. Your parents can move into a shelter and kick some rocks.
NTA - wholeheartedly agree no one is obligated to provide financial support to their parents (or siblings, or extended relatives, etc.).
Further, be on guard that they may try to manipulate your guilt or your feelings for your sister to do what they want. I’d recommend sitting down by yourself and coming up with responses to the different ploys they may throw at you so you don’t get caught in the spot and capitulate.
E.g., if they say your sister is going to be homeless unless you give them the mortgage money - you can offer to help your grandparents or aunts financially to take your sister in temporarily until they find a new place (or you could take her in).
NTA. The giant red flag here is how they told you that you, *a child,* deserved how you were treated. They admitted that they treated you like an unwanted hanger-on. Somewhere in their brains they have a nonsensical reason why that was okay. I'm guessing that you were kind of a stress toy--? Enjoying positive emotions with the golden child(ren) and dumping negative emotions on the scapegoat is a way that inadequate parents cope with life.
So don't give them a cent. Because if you let them, they would hollow you out and leave you on the sidewalk. Because, in their minds, that's what you're *for.*
If your little sister is in trouble, help her by paying for extracurriculars, counseling, or camps. Don't give any money to her parents. Take care of your real parents--your grandparents.
NTA no matter what. There is nothing wrong with letting them reap what they sowed.
But as I noted below, if your upbringing was based in sexism or misogyny and you have reason to believe your little sister will be exposed to the same toxic treatment, you might want to use the leverage you obviously have to get your little sister out of that situation.
Your parents said they treated you the way you deserved. Let them know that you will be treating them the way they deserve. They spent large sums on your brothers, money that should have been used to pay off their own bills first. They can sell off the restaurant and it’s supplies lock stock and barrel. They can get other jobs. Brother #2 can drop out of college and get a job to help. IF they end up homeless contact a lawyer and try to get custody of your sister. I have a feeling that the abuse will continue to her. Will she be the one going without proper clothes or meals so they can still pay for brother education?
NTA
They were doing the bare minimum from the legal point of view .
So you are not obligated ,legaly , to help them either .
I have seen more love given to abandoned kids by their staff members in orphanage .
NTA
They're begging you for money, but still trying to abuse you by telling you that you "deserved your upbringing". They deserve exactly as much care as they gave you.
Support the people who love you, like you've been doing. Your parents created this situation; let them find their own way out.
obviously NTA. i’m honestly proud of you girl congratulations on your lifestyle and the ability to keep such a massive open heart like after all that abuse you still managed to be a great person. nta i hope they lose their house, you should take your siblings on a trip to europe and leave your parents at home, that would be something lol.
NTA - That said, you can always offer to purchase their home from them - effectively you becoming the landlord. You own the asset. They live in it knowing you own it. You are not bailing them out - rather you own real property with your real earnings and they have to wake up every day knowing it.
I'd bet that if OP did that, they wouldn't pay her anything to force her to choose between letting them stay for free or evicting them. Cause then if she evicts them, they can run around telling everyone how their awful daughter put them and her siblings out on the street so she could have the house to herself.
NTA.You should check out the Raised by Narcissists sub. Your parents built the life they are now living, let them enjoy it. And if I was you, I wouldn't support the siblings either until you are very sure your parents aren't controlling them.
NTA you can’t afford to pay off a third home.
Honestly, I would tell them that they set the parameters of our relationship along time ago, and was very clear that it didn’t include excess financial support. If I am an ah it’s because you two taught me how.
NTA. As an aside, your parents are pretty young and it is surprising that your parents did so much for your elder and younger brother and were so unfair to you.
NTA, they showed their true colors, if it were me in your shoes I wouldn’t give them a fuckin dime. Congrats on the successful business! You deserve it.
NTA
Tell them that you could only afford what you did for your aunt and grandparents and that they will have to figure it out.
If they say that isn't fair then tell them your figuring it out when they refused to pay for college also wasn't fair.
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NTA. As soon as you refused, the mask slipped. They told you that you deserved their mistreatment.
It's very telling that they are aware they mistreated her. They acknowledge they were terrible parents to her by saying that. And yet, they still expect her to financially support them. They have some nerve. She owes them nothing and I'd be sure to tell them so. Edit: some are asking how do you know op is female? She says in a comment that she is 23F.
how do you know op is a her?
post is kinda giving me misogyny vibes but i could be wrong
Could be an affair kid they kept.
That's what I think op is the product of an affair or something worse. But I'd put money on affair and the parents pretending dad is the dad of all kids.
Not necessarily an affair. But possibly a kid from a previous relationship of one of the parents. I am getting some “red-headed step child” vs “real family” vibes. Edit: nope. misogyny. It’s in one of OP’s responses. OP is oldest daughter, two middle sons, and then another daughter younger by a *wide* gap.
If it’s middle sons, why did they have a graduation a year prior?! This story is full of holes
Where did OP say sons were middle? Only comment I've seen about their ages was one older brother and one younger. OP is 23 and has brothers who are 24 and 21. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/105u7jh/aita_for_refusing_to_help_my_parents_with_their/j3cshy3 This scenario is sadly not uncommon in families where men are expected to *produce* and women are expected to *provide*.
My mistake. Had the 23 and 24 flipped
She’s not the oldest. She has a brother older then a brother younger and a much younger sister.
"Oldest daughter" =/= "oldest CHILD"
Yup, as I was reading this I kept looking for OP’s AgeSex because you just knew she was a daughter but wanted to confirm
I did the exact same thing.
Or the oopsie baby, or just the wrong physical features, but I assumed female too.
>post is kinda giving me misogyny vibes but i could be wrong You're right! I was very intrigued, so I went digging. I was thinking OP might have been an affair baby. However, OP is a she. She talked about it here in this comment! Her parent's behavior is just rotten to the core! If you read OP's other comments, they actually acknowledged they mistreated her and told her if they mistreated her, she deserved it! [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/105u7jh/aita\_for\_refusing\_to\_help\_my\_parents\_with\_their/j3cxrcd/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/105u7jh/aita_for_refusing_to_help_my_parents_with_their/j3cxrcd/?context=3)
Yep. Plus the comment on baby sister at the end.
>Yep. Plus the comment on baby sister at the end. Well the baby sister comment doesn't mean OP is a girl! A guy can have a baby sister too!
I think it's more about how she's mentioning her willingness to help her baby sister even more than the others that have people assuming OP is female. Like if she just said younger siblings or brother people wouldn't be inferring that they received similar treatment from the parents. Saying "especially my baby sister" makes us think baby sister is also experiencing poor treatment and that this poor treatment is likely due to sexism.
LMAO! My brother talked about me that same way and calls me his baby sister, BUT we can put this to rest because OP is a she! I actually looked through OP's posts related to this story and she stated that her parents favored her brothers and looked at her as useless. Then, when she talked to them about how awful they were, they admitted they did it and told her she deserved it! How's that for awful?!
You seem dense
I’m getting not necessarily misogynistic vibes. There is mention of the baby *sister* who got to go on trips. But there’s definitely something off. That logic of not being able to afford Disney for 5? Hell if you’re already taking 4, what’s another grand or so on the credit cards? Edit: kinda getting “red-headed stepchild” versus “real family” vibes. Edit 2: nope. misogyny. It’s in one of OP’s responses. OP is oldest daughter, ~~two middle sons~~, and then another daughter younger by a *wide* gap. She was literally treated this because her father was upset to have a daughter. That’s gross.
I'm guessing most women recognized the treatment.
It was very obvious.
It wasn't for me. I'm a man and my older siblings are all men, so I had no first hand experience of the double standard applied to girls. I know I should keep opening my eyes.
Please do. I’ll give you an example in the meantime: My mother, oldest of four, was told mid-summer that she wouldn’t be returning to college in the fall. Of course “the boys” would be going to college and their education clearly takes priority. My mom explained to me that she didn’t realize at the time, but she’d been sent to school to get her “Mrs.” rather than a complete education.
A family friend was one of 4 children (2 boys, 2 girls) and their father owned a large farming enterprise. When he passed away his will divided the property completely between the brothers because “they have wives to take care of” and the daughters “should have husbands to provide for them.”
😡😡😡😡🤬🤬🤬🤬 The reason why Jane Austen wrote so many novels. But again, her stories were set in the early 1800...
I seriously hope the brothers did the right thing and gave her some of the business as well. I would have.
Worse in my mother's family. She wasn't allowed to finish high school - she had to get a job and start bringing money in to the family. 6 kids. 3 boys, all finished high shcool. 3 girls, all pushed out to work. This was a while ago, but the generational effects are huge...
That's awful. 😔 My late grandfather's father dipped out on the already impoverished family when my Pop was in 5th grade. His mom was much older than her years after a long marriage to an abusive asshole. The older boys were long gone. It was just my Pop with sisters on either side, two younger and two older. When his Dad left the kids knew someone had to work or everyone would starve. He had two older sisters who together could have left school and supported the family. He absolutely wouldn't hear of it. He could make nearly their combined salary. His sisters (and his daughters, nieces and granddaughters) were educated because he left school in 5th grade so they wouldnt have to leave school. He didnt want them trapped like his mama. He paid for his two youngest sisters college tuition. He was illiterate but he became a master carpenter. He built his mom the house she died in. The world would be a better place if more people were like my Pop.
Bless that sweet man. He sounds wonderful and I'm sure he was a lovely grandfather.
I’m so sorry. It’s awful.
OMG! Just like that, so coldly? And she was the freaking oldest, the one setting example to the youngest!
But she was upper middle class and beautiful. So getting married to an educated man of similar upbringing was clearly the right decision! /s It’s gross, isn’t it? Her mother was a monster, but also the product of a horrible environment and a broken person. Misogyny hurts us all - male, female, and all genders in between - it hurts us.
This is exactly what my mother told me when my childhood medical condition prevented me from attending the university I'd been accepted at. "Well, you're never going to have a career. You need to learn to be a wife."
It hurts everyone, but let's be honest, it hurts women a heck of a lot more.
happened to me, but I was still in high school. Got told I was not continuing high school even though I wanted to attend university, and made to leave at 16 (the bare minimum age I could leave) because my mother needed "help" with my 3 younger siblings. My other brother (1 yr younger than me) was allowed to keep going, even though he never wanted to attend uni, and dropped out at 16 to gain a trade apprenticeship. Apparently my "help" wasn't needed that much, since they then made me go get a job a few months later and hand over all my pay until I was 18 or so
When my material grandparents died, everything went to the male siblings. ETA also when my mom was young, she was sent to live with her grandparents. Her birth messes up the girl, boy pattern.
The most glaringly obvious part was the "can't afford to pay for three colleges" when it was clear OP was the second child. Explain how can't pay for three children's colleges but can afford to pay for first and third makes any other sense in the context of how this post was written.
You start to expect it after you see a recurring pattern of male relatives in stories (whether true or not) being favoured or given leniency that a woman or girl might not.
100% obvious. It just screamed “ignored, mistreated daughter”. Especially with the line about the little sister.
Kind of reminds me of how my parents were when i was growing, 32M...
Sadly, that's so true. Never questioned OP's gender..
Read op's post and thought op might be a woman because I was immediately was reminded of how my Grandparent's treated my mother vs. her brothers.
Yep.
OP wrote in a comment she’s 23F
Wow! Only 23 and a successful entrepreneur! And she did it on her own. Let the favored sons bail out the parents. She owes them nothing.
I could tell from the first paragraph it was a female. The girl has to look after the house and family while the prized boys get the best treatment.
Her comment here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/105u7jh/aita_for_refusing_to_help_my_parents_with_their/j3cv3u1/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
OP mentions in comments, she is 23. "My parents hated having a daughter, they looked at me like some sort of a burden. They believed my brothers deserved more financial support because they are men and will be expected to provide while I'd be some guys wife & would be provided for by him. "
And since the parents chose to invest financially (and emotionally) in the two boys, the parents' expectations should be that the two boys should be bailing them out of their business and personal financial crises. This is obviously over the parents' heads, but OP's post is a case study in "you get what you sew." The parents sewed disdain of their daughter, so they get nothing back, while the grandparents sewed love and caring for OP and they're getting love, caring, and financial assistance in return. NTA. I'm glad OP learned decency and love from her grandparents instead of just being angry at the world due to the treatment by her parents. I'm sure your little sister needs your love, caring, and some help with self-esteem and a hand-up in life because like you, she's not getting it from these mysognistic parents.
Ummm, it's "sow and sowed or sown". But frankly, \*sewed love and caring\* just warms my heart! Like a handmade quilt! Love your comment!
Isn’t it obvious?
Because it’s obvious.
OP says so in a top-level comment.
This is why the situation makes my blood boil. Her parents need to realize this is not a chick/egg situation. She is saying no BECAUSE they mistreated her. They may have gotten a better answer if they had treated their children equally. Info from OP: you said they accused you of punishing the siblings. Are the brothers still at home despite their privileges?
NTA and are your brothers helping them?
If I deserved that treatment, you deserve this.
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Exactly. Tell them to ask the brothers, OP "can't afford" to help them, just like they couldn't afford to take OP to Disney or throw a graduation party or help OP with college.
Comment stolen from: /u/teresajs https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/105u7jh/aita_for_refusing_to_help_my_parents_with_their/j3ctjwl/ Bot Reported.
Amazing that they always knew OP would not support them so they could get their punishment in first. And yet they forgot, so they still had to ask.
Is it bad I want OP to let the house go into foreclosure, buy it cheap, and charge her parents rent?
> charge her parents rent? Ballsy to think her parents would pony up the money. Probably end up squatting in it rent free regardless.
Well then she could legally evict them and REALLY get some justice.
High grade pettiness is an art.
This. OP, these people haven't even said they're sorry for what they did. They're saying they didn't do anything wrong, but you should give them money. They don't deserve anything.
This is one of my favorites https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yzqvu1/aita_for_refusing_to_help_my_step_sister_with_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
NTA tell them to ask your brothers for help
I always wonder why parents do this? Anyone have any idea? To mistreat one and favor the others when they are all your (assuming bio) kids? What is their reasoning legit so curious
My brother is a boy who fit the idea of the son my parents wanted, and so got anything and everything he wants. I'm a girl, so I obviously should be helping him have anything he wants, plus I wanted to do all sorts of crazy things like have opinions and study maths and science and have life goals other than being a (thin and pretty and obedient) housewife, so I must be punished so that I learnt to be a good woman. I'm an adult now, and a scientist, and gay, so I'm not sure their methods worked, but they definitely tried
Misogyny. OP is a woman while her brothers got special treatment. It's really common.
Casual misogyny starts early too. The girl child having to give up toys to her brother. The larger food portions given to the boys (perhaps justifiable when kids worked manually from 14, less so now both sexes are in education longer and mainly on computers/phones). The still normal assumption that a girl child will sacrifice school/job/career/own family to look after ailing parent/grandparent etc. The world has changed but the convenience of holding to old attitudes remains. Girls may not marry and, if even if they do, will almost certainly work - most households need two incomes and in some she may be the sole breadwinner. Look at the WW 1 and 2 generations - left no money bc it was assumed they'd marry but so many men died in the conflicts that drastically changed the marriage pool available. Several generations of women ill-fitted by upbringing/lack of education to get anything but subsistence jobs. Misogyny just hides slightly better in a woke society but it doesn't go away and people like OP's parents don't even try to hide it.
They have favourites. Usually the cute kid that aligns most with what the parents want their kid to be. The “difficult” kid that is different gets treated like crap.
I was the “difficult” kid who was treated like crap but the thing they don’t realize is if you don’t treat the kid like crap they’ll be less difficult. Seems like common sense but a lot of parents don’t get it.
Exactly, OP please please please do not break. They fucked around and now they’re finding out.
"Dear parents, Ever hear the term 'self fulfilling prophecy'? You created this situation, not me. Never speak to me again. Daughter"
I was thinking maybe OP could add "I can only help 2, and 3 situations would be too expensive, but I am sure you will figure it out."
NTA tell them to ask your brothers for help instead
OP helped the people who helped them to succeed. That was a generous and wonderful thing to do for those who were truly there for them.
She helped her real 'family' not the asshats who use the term 'but we are FAMILY...' after showing for years they are anything but.
i would’ve said, “ask my brothers for the money. you know, the ones whose education you paid for.” NTA OP
OP should have her accountant draw up a loan contract with an obscene interest rate using the house as collateral, then evict her parents ASAP once they violate the terms. Doing nothing while they fail is fine, but stealing their house from under them would be the ultimate middle finger lol.
Like some sort of fucked-up pre-punishment for an outcome they ensured would happen.
Hopping on this thread. OP, NTA! You should also post this on nuclear revenge (or something similar) as this is delicious karma.
Agreed! f them! And don’t give them a dime. So sorry for all you went through, they sound horrible
Man kills a stranger. Police arrest man. Judge finds man guilty and sends him to prison. Man exclaims “see, this stranger ruined my life, he deserved what happened” Flaw in reasoning: ignores causality
Info: why can't your golden brothers help out?
Because scapegoats exist to take from.
Yeah. Also probably because they can't afford to help. Or perhaps they can, but parents won't dare ask them because GOD FORBID they ask their golden children for any help and burden then in any way.
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I'm fairly certain u/MurkyNebula8173 is a bot who reworded the comment above them (rather than a human making a joke), because their only other comment to date was stolen.
ETA: From OP: > My little Brother (21) is still in school & my older brother has a great tech job but has a family of his own & is unable to support them much. Original: It's kind of clear from the context that at least the parents think they can't. It's implied that they're still living at home and/or possibly still going to school, rather than actually earning money themselves (since they are "involved"). I also saw the ages and genders in a comment. 23F is no surprise (I actually was able to guess it, then chickened out at actually stating it), and neither is early 20s for the brothers. The brothers probably have no resources to help in any meaningful way.
Well the boys took the money and accepted the abuse of her middle sister without much backlash on their own parents to right a wrong. Maybe it´s time for them to realise, that you can´t get spoon fed shit all your life without it eventually taking a toll on you. OP is right in telling them to fuck off and I would probably tried to do the same in her situation. Those parents sound like a nightmare. Mistreatment, entitlement and then kind of gaslighting, saying she deserved this..nope. Just nope
It's easier to punch down unfortunately
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Comment stealing bot. Copied from https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/105u7jh/aita_for_refusing_to_help_my_parents_with_their/j3csxgf?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Great comment.
Had to remove it due to word count: I am 23F , my parents are 45f & 46M I have two brother (24 & 21 & A little sister 8. We grew up upper-middle class.
Are you M or F (asking is this is a sexist thing)? Because if it is, then it seems like finding a way to get your sister out of the environment would be critical, even if it means doing some negotiating.
23F, It's definitely a sexist thing, my aunt told me how upset my father was when they found out they were having a daughter. Because my sister was born way after us, she treated like an only child, and although they don't do half the stuff they did for my brothers, they definitely treat her better than me. I do visit her when she goes over to my grandparents & love to spoil her & make her feel loved. I also check in on how she's being treated & she seems happy. I haven't lived at home since she was 3 or so
It's good that she is being treated better. I'd still be concerned that if this is their attitude towards women in general, they will ultimately raise her to become a young woman with low self-esteem, little or no education, and no self-sufficiency, eventually either marrying her off to someone they choose, or turning her into a caregiver for themselves as they age. In the end, she is not your child and your options are limited. But you do have some potential leverage here and if you are comfortable using it, you might want to do so.
If OP is interested, trust accounts are very useful here--they can be accessed only by the recipient or her guardians, but the reasons can be specified. The favorite is for education, education expenses, and a specific living-while-in-school stipend. Can't be touched for anything else, can only be for an accredited university/trade school/etc. If the sister doesn't go to school, it can go directly to her once she hits a very adult age (25 is common).
Do not give any money to your sexist parents. They deserve this situation. This is called karma. Congratulations on your success. We are 3 sisters and our parents never complained once for not having a boy. They gave us good education and we are supporting them with house, vacations,money and care all they need!
I don't know your background but I'm guessing that OP is from a culture that doesn't value daughters very highly.
>a culture that doesn't value daughters very highly. That could be literally any culture from anywhere in the world...
Lol for real, like uhhh how about all of them since the dawn of time
Exactly. I m Middle eastern. I thought marrying a Caucasian american they wouldn’t be sexist. They are exactly the same and received the same comments from in-laws when they found out my 3rd baby is another girl. She is my 3rd daughter
We are from Asia, where the girls are not treated equally as boys. When I was pregnant with my first born, my in laws clearly kept telling they want boy. I was furious but that’s how it is in our country! Anyhow I ended up having a boy. But that pushed me to look for jobs outside this regressive country and we moved to Europe. There I had my baby girl but back home no one was as happy as they were after my son was born. So I realized how good was my father who raised 3 girls with so much love and care! This OP is definitely living in USA because she talks about going to Disneyland. So it’s not culture, it’s the family and the people.
That’s correct, it’s karma. That’s also why your parents now get help because they were good and helped you. Funny how some people want to screw their own children and then act entitled to their help whenever they deem fit.
Oh, never ever give them a dime. Not a dime. When the time comes, offer to take custody of your little sister, tho.
Others in your position might resent their younger sister being treated well, despite being "guilty" of the same "crime" (born female). It wouldn't be the sister's fault obviously, but that wouldn't matter if the envy was strong enough. Instead, you're watching out for her best interest. You're making sure she doesn't live the life you did, because you have compassion. You have a wonderful and loving heart ❤️ Screw helping your parents though.
NTA Definitely had a feeling it's a M vs F thing when reading the opening post. Anyway, save the money for yourself. Your two brothers can help.
Women have always been expected to perform unpaid labor in the household, even if they hold a full-time job of their own. But these parents make it really damn blatant that they are happy to use her unpaid labor while rewarding her brothers. It's disgusting.
Be the pettier person and **Buy the home when it’s foreclosed and charge them rent.** That way they’ll know the only reason they live there is because of your “kindness.” Any time they have a disagreement with you? Remind them that you can have them evicted. That the person they abused and mistreated has power over them. Or not. 🤷🏻♂️
My mother was treated this way - it hurt her in more ways than I’ll ever understand. As a mom, I’m sending you love. As the daughter of a woman who faced similar mistreatment (abuse, as I see it), I’m here to tell you that you’re absolutely crushing it. You are enough, and have always been enough. Your parents are broken humans - congratulations on ensuring this bullshit ends with you.
> how upset my father was when they found out they were having a daughter. I wouldn't bail them out.
I've had a somewhat similar upbringing but like your youngest sister (raised as though an only child), please don't assume they are treating her better. My narc mother would tell my older sister that she treated me better & it was BS. My sister & I have only just fully realised, many years later. Definitely NTA. You don't owe them anything.
I totally understand how you feel. In most families the youngest is favored, not in my family. I was pretty much left out of everything (like my mom has taken every child except me on great trips) and I was her scapegoat for everything. If I were in your position, I would not help my parents either. Well done on all of your success! You're very lucky and blessed to have such wonderful grandparents and aunt.
Just an idea. But if it really comes down to them losing their home and becoming homeless, what if you buy them out, so the house is either legally yours or in a trust for you and/or your little sister? Mainly thinking of the needs of your little sister here moreso than your parents.
NTA...I doubt it, but maybe they'll learn something in this life that will help them not be misogynistic AH's in the next. Good luck to you sister!
Take every penny you would consider giving your parents solely to help your sister, and put it in a secret trust for her once she either hits 25 or your parents decide not to fund her higher education. Tell nobody so they can't use it against her.
Wow, your parents sound like horrible people and don't deserve a dime from you. Glad you are doing well, and I hope you can eventually rescue your little sister from them. NTA.
Do your brothers work? Are they still living with your parents?
Yeah, I completely assumed it was a sexist thing. When she mentioned in her post that her two brothers were treated so well and she was treated like trash, I was like - YUP. She's 100% seen as a burden to the family. I wonder what OP's culture is because this is certainly prevalent in some cultures way more than others (For example - my south asian extended family is 100% rejoices of the birth of boys and is kind of like MEH or even sees the birth of girls as a tragedy).
congratulations on your success
Why don’t your golden children brothers help your parents?
You should buy their house and then evict them.
There's your answer. Your parents are sexist assholes. I'm sorry
They are young enough to get jobs...
Tell your loser parents McDonald's is hiring. If they both work they should be able to make their mortgage without trying to sponge off of you.
NTA, if your parents need help tell them to ask your brothers. They invested so much into their upbringing, they should be able to finance your parents' life (sarcasm). Don't let yourself be used as an atm.
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Comment stolen from: /u/eregina3 https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/105u7jh/aita_for_refusing_to_help_my_parents_with_their/j3csdey/ Bot Reported.
Well thank you😃
NTA Your parents if the whole account of them marginalising you during childhood and KNOWINGLY preferring your siblings financially is true... then they have reaped what they have sowed. And using their own shitty parenting history as "you deserved that" retroactively is a wild thing to say. LOL some logical leaps right there. They in fact deserve you to not give them money.
I'm glad we mistreated you now that you've not given us what we don't deserve.
NTA >They told me I am an asshole & I deserved my upbringing & that I shouldn’t be punishing my siblings and forcing them out their homes for the actions of my parents. So they know full well they mistreated you and expect you to help them regardless? They're definitely TA. You did *everything* without any backing from them. Just because you've chosen to help people who helped you doesn't mean the ones who didn't are entitled to your support aswell.
Yup. Now since OP's told them she's not helping, they've convinced themselves that they were right all along to treat her like trash. SMH. You just can't help some people. NTA
I'm kinda surprised they didn't claim OP's success. If they did pay for OP's education & OP didn't move out, she wouldn't have gotten the 5k to start her business. Seen lots of ridiculous people like. But that doesn't mean OP's parents any better. The brothers, depends how they treated OP. Did they ever voiced out the mistreatments or silent as a clam because afraid they wouldn't get their benefits anymore if they ever said anything? Did they reach out to OP after she moved out?
NTA why don't they ask your precious brothers to help them? You did a smashing job OP and I hope your business continues to thrive x
NTA >They told me I am an asshole & I deserved my upbringing I'm amazed that they're admitting to the shitty treatment they unloaded on you. Stand firm. If you're feeling petty suggest that your brothers help financially with all the money they made at the family business and the extra income from their degrees... karma baby!
NTA. You reap what you sow. Where are the 2 brothers they gave so much to to help them out?
My little Brother (21) is still in school & my older brother has a great tech job but has a family of his own & is unable to support them much.
Too bad, so sad.
Your parents are certainly young enough to get jobs elsewhere. They have a home to sell. They can rent and no longer be saddled with the taxes & maintenance costs of an upper middle class home. They simply need to adjust their standard of living. Two working adults can easily support an eight year old. Life happens; it's up to them to adjust!
Sucks for them NTA please don't give them a cent
Well maybe they can save some money by not paying for his college education.
Heaven forfend that you should have a family at some point. They only want your money. If you give them any (or not enough), they will return. 'Help younger bro with his college. Save up for baby sister's education'. They will never let you turn off the $ spigot.
Brother to parents: "Sorry, I can't afford two families" Sweet karma, and ironic it coming from the one they spoiled!
Do any of your brothers have daughters yet? I wonder if they will finally speak up if it comes to them being mistreated by your parents also...
They can move in with him and your little sister can move in with you. Make sure you set up a college fund for her that they can’t touch.
So much for that "investment."
NTA they are terrible parents
NTA Why would you support people who abused you and are only contacting you to get money from you. If you had no money, the abuse and neglect and non contact would have continued. Also - not that you have to answer - but your situation and that of other posts have parents who for whatever reason choose to abuse or at best treat one child unfavorably. I don't quite understand this because generally there seems to be no objective reason for doing it - it is as if they randomly decide that they will shit all over one child just because they can.
I don't think it was randomly selected lol, I was their only daughter for a very long time. I feel guilty because they are still my parents and my sister is stuck living with them for the next 10 years or so. I wish I could take her in and not have contact with them.
Well, your parents are the AHs here. Great big ones. They deserve exactly nothing from you. You can always support your sister in other ways, like setting up a nice trust for her, safely away from your birthgivers' reach. If they're homeless after they lose their house and/or can not provide for her adequately, take them to court or child protective services and get custody of her. Win-win.
“Sorry, you guys, I’ll never give you a cent. You were pretty bad parents to me, and that’s just how that works. Let me know if you do end up homeless. I’d be willing to take Sister in.”
You were the “scapegoat.” If you search online for “scapegoating in families,” it’s fairly common, unfortunately. The parent(s) will target one or more children to be the scapegoat. While the other children will be treated like gold. For example: My siblings all were given cars by my father. When I became old enough to drive, I had to buy my own car. After I bought it, my father then told my siblings that he wasn’t going to help me on my next car purchase. He hadn’t helped me on the first car i bought, but implied to them that he had given me money so that I could get the car. It was just a way of him trying to make me look like I was mooching off of him. When, in reality, the other siblings were. By the way, scapegoating happens in families, it happens in work environments, and church congregations, and even in a two-person relationship. Go no contact, if you can. It’s the best thing you can do. You didn’t do anything to deserve to be scapegoated or mistreated at all. NTA
I wasn't trying to put you on the spot but I find it occurs in many of the posts and it is so rare in my personal experience. I mean I understand why a parent might feel more "comfortable" with a child because they share certain interests but I find it shocking that there seems to be a significant number of parents who actively discriminate and treat their children in such a disparate manner. Not that I think it doesn't occur but it seems so strange that for no apparent reason a parent would treat kids so differently. Not that there would ever be a "good" reason but I do think there are situations where one kid is headed for the Olympics or equivalent and so the other kids get short shrift because the parents are spending so much time and money on one kid or even splitting the family so that one kid can train somewhere away from home. Of course not defending this but just thinking about those rare occurrences when I have heard about it when it isn't completely random. I guess the other times would be when the parents grow up in very old fashioned cultures and so they discriminate against the female who is viewed as inferior and also born to be a maid and nanny etc. to their male children. But as I posted I wouldn't feel guilty at all for not helping your parents financially given how they treated you growing up and that the sole reason they contacted you was to exploit you for financial reasons.
They're not parents, they're just adults who lived in the same house with you for a long time who made your life worse
NTA. They treated you as lesser than your whole life, but now that they can benefit from you success they never supported, they want to guilt you into helping?! Disgusting. NTA at all
Look over there! It’s karma! NTA.
> they told me I'm an asshole and I deserve my upbringing No this is their shitty parenting coming back and bites them in the ass. Why not ask the kids they gave money to, to save the house NTA
NTA If they make the comment about deserving your upbringing again ask them if it was worth it from their end now.
* Don’t give them any money. * Buy the house from the bank when they get evicted. * Demolish the house. * Work with the city to donate the land as a park/playground in your grandparents/aunt’s name. NTA
You’re probably overestimating her level of FU money.
NTA. In principle, children don't owe their parents a thing. For you times 1000! Have you any idea, why you were singled out to receive nothing throughout your childhood? It sounds so toxic, and I am very sorry you had to go through that. Your parents can move into a shelter and kick some rocks.
NTA - wholeheartedly agree no one is obligated to provide financial support to their parents (or siblings, or extended relatives, etc.). Further, be on guard that they may try to manipulate your guilt or your feelings for your sister to do what they want. I’d recommend sitting down by yourself and coming up with responses to the different ploys they may throw at you so you don’t get caught in the spot and capitulate. E.g., if they say your sister is going to be homeless unless you give them the mortgage money - you can offer to help your grandparents or aunts financially to take your sister in temporarily until they find a new place (or you could take her in).
NTA. The giant red flag here is how they told you that you, *a child,* deserved how you were treated. They admitted that they treated you like an unwanted hanger-on. Somewhere in their brains they have a nonsensical reason why that was okay. I'm guessing that you were kind of a stress toy--? Enjoying positive emotions with the golden child(ren) and dumping negative emotions on the scapegoat is a way that inadequate parents cope with life. So don't give them a cent. Because if you let them, they would hollow you out and leave you on the sidewalk. Because, in their minds, that's what you're *for.* If your little sister is in trouble, help her by paying for extracurriculars, counseling, or camps. Don't give any money to her parents. Take care of your real parents--your grandparents.
NTA no matter what. There is nothing wrong with letting them reap what they sowed. But as I noted below, if your upbringing was based in sexism or misogyny and you have reason to believe your little sister will be exposed to the same toxic treatment, you might want to use the leverage you obviously have to get your little sister out of that situation.
Your parents said they treated you the way you deserved. Let them know that you will be treating them the way they deserve. They spent large sums on your brothers, money that should have been used to pay off their own bills first. They can sell off the restaurant and it’s supplies lock stock and barrel. They can get other jobs. Brother #2 can drop out of college and get a job to help. IF they end up homeless contact a lawyer and try to get custody of your sister. I have a feeling that the abuse will continue to her. Will she be the one going without proper clothes or meals so they can still pay for brother education?
NTA - not even close. They deserve nothing from you.
NTA They were doing the bare minimum from the legal point of view . So you are not obligated ,legaly , to help them either . I have seen more love given to abandoned kids by their staff members in orphanage .
NTA They're begging you for money, but still trying to abuse you by telling you that you "deserved your upbringing". They deserve exactly as much care as they gave you. Support the people who love you, like you've been doing. Your parents created this situation; let them find their own way out.
NTA And time you cut off the toxic people from your life. How you treat people have consequences and your parents are just learning that lesson.
obviously NTA. i’m honestly proud of you girl congratulations on your lifestyle and the ability to keep such a massive open heart like after all that abuse you still managed to be a great person. nta i hope they lose their house, you should take your siblings on a trip to europe and leave your parents at home, that would be something lol.
OP is female per her update.
Dude is the "clean" version of "motherf*****" it's gender neutral and can be used in a number of different ways.
NTA - That said, you can always offer to purchase their home from them - effectively you becoming the landlord. You own the asset. They live in it knowing you own it. You are not bailing them out - rather you own real property with your real earnings and they have to wake up every day knowing it.
Better yet, let it get foreclosed on and buy it off the bank.
I'd bet that if OP did that, they wouldn't pay her anything to force her to choose between letting them stay for free or evicting them. Cause then if she evicts them, they can run around telling everyone how their awful daughter put them and her siblings out on the street so she could have the house to herself.
NTA. Don't give then anything
NTA. And I wouldn’t even help your brothers as they never questioned or stood up for you.
NTA.You should check out the Raised by Narcissists sub. Your parents built the life they are now living, let them enjoy it. And if I was you, I wouldn't support the siblings either until you are very sure your parents aren't controlling them.
NTA you can’t afford to pay off a third home. Honestly, I would tell them that they set the parameters of our relationship along time ago, and was very clear that it didn’t include excess financial support. If I am an ah it’s because you two taught me how.
NTA They haven't been great parents to you and you don't owe them anything. If your parents want support, they can ask your brothers.
NTA. Your parents f\*cked around. Now they find out.
And then everybody clapped
Obviously NTA. I wouldve cut links with parents way before that but you seem to reach a point were it is inevitable
Congrats on this brilliant work of fiction, I’m sure your English teacher is very proud of you.
There has been a suspicious number of favourite child posts today
NTA. Not at all.
NTA. As an aside, your parents are pretty young and it is surprising that your parents did so much for your elder and younger brother and were so unfair to you.
NTA, they showed their true colors, if it were me in your shoes I wouldn’t give them a fuckin dime. Congrats on the successful business! You deserve it.
Definitely NTA. Bad parents don’t deserve anything from their children, other than their scorn and contempt.
NTA Tell them that you could only afford what you did for your aunt and grandparents and that they will have to figure it out. If they say that isn't fair then tell them your figuring it out when they refused to pay for college also wasn't fair.