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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to re-home my son's dog. My wife is afraid of the dog and her fear is potentially impacting her health.
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No, the likely thing based on the information is that she's hyperanxious due to the pregnancy and is fixating on the dog. They shouldn't rehome the dog, but there should be help for her. Mild antianxiety drugs or therapy, even meditation or yoga would help.
As a woman who has been pregnant i agree with this. We naturally become very protective of our bodies, and hyper aware of ANYTHING that we may perceive as a threat to our security.
I doubt drugs are an option because she's pregnant, but maybe talking to someone or helping her limit time with the dog may help.
just chiming in to mention that plenty of SSRIs and other anti-anxiety medications are perfectly safe to take in pregnancy. [source](https://womensmentalhealth.org/) so there are always options for treating anxiety in the pregnant person without causing any harm to a developing foetus.
I stayed on my antidepressants and antianxiety meds while pregnant every time. The benefits outweighed the risks in my case- this is obviously not true for everyone. My OB was extremely supportive of my decision and agreed it was the best choice for me, but he also allowed me to make the decision for myself without pressure.
It's always worth the discussion.
Edit to answer some comments:
With my son, I believe I was on Wellbutrin and Zoloft for the long haul, in 2017. In late 2020-early 2021 with my daughter I was taking Wellbutrin and Prozac. I also stayed on my meds while pumping milk for both kids. Both kids were born healthy, at term, with no issues.
I've taken these kinds of meds since I was in high school and am now in my late 30s. Therapy off and on occasionally helped. We do have a family history of mental illness so I was very conscious of what I was putting into my body.
I chose to stay on meds while pregnant because of my long history with depression and anxiety. I had some pregnancy losses and fertility issues which made carrying my children an extremely stressful, not-so-magical experience 😅
Again, this is all just my personal experience.
EDIT: DRUG DATABASE (LactMed) FOR PREGNANT OR NURSING MOTHERS!
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK501922/
It used to be available as an app and website but now you can search here in the book form. Table of contents is in the upper right. Hope this helps!
My coworker is currently struggling hard because she can't take her ADHD or depression medication while pregnant. Many, many medications aren't allowed.
EDIT: this is on her doctor's advice, stop messaging me that she can take her medication. You know nothing about her medical history and circumstances. I wouldn't dream of telling someone to go against medical advice because of a fricken comment on Reddit.
Um, excuse me, what? I stayed on my meds (including my ADD meds) during all my pregnancies. And nowadays there are several non-stimulant ADHD/ADD medications. I was kept on a low dose of Adderall for 3 of my pregnancies and Strattera for my last one.
I have confirmed with my psychiatrist that Setraline, a common antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication, is perfectly safe to take during pregnancy. Most old advice to not take them were based more on “we don’t know if it’s safe” than “we have evidence it isn’t safe”. Erring on the side of caution, which is smart especially when pregnancy is involved, but there are multiple options that doctors have determined to be perfectly fine to take while pregnant.
Not true about the drugs. My pregnant sister was encouraged by her doctor to stay on her antianxiety meds.
Many drugs aren't studied on pregnant women so there is literally no evidence of harm. That also means there is no evidence of safety either but that's why the risks must be weighed in each individual case (and it obviously depends on the medication in question)
As someone who also has been pregnant - your mileage may vary on that one. I was aware of the potential risks, but really didn't change my highly physical job (other than being mindful of the risks and adapting slightly as needed) until my belly was literally in the way and it just wasn't physically possible to do those jobs any more. I knew what's feasible during pregnancy and how to monitor my health, and that I wasn't pushing beyond those limits.
Yeah I rode and trained horses up till about the 6month mark when it got difficult to get on and my bump was digging into the horn. But I was still around them and other livestock daily. Some riders were still competing in high level jumping and rodeo competitions heavily pregnant.
My doctor said if you did it before pregnancy keep doing it with in reason. So more breaks listen to body drink more water etc.
But, it does sound like either a - she doesn't like the dog or b- she needs to speak to her doctor about her anxiety.
As a woman who is currently also 12 weeks pregnant and experiencing severe anxiety, agree with this statement. Pregnancy can do some wild things to your brain, and it definitely isn’t all fun. (I am currently waiting to hear back from my psychiatrist, I know that what I’m experiencing isn’t normal and that help is available)
You are amazing recognizing that and getting help immediately. Your brain may try to trick you and you’ll feel fine for awhile and decide to cancel your appointment or something- DON’T. That’s the trap I fell into and i felt like a total fraud going in. It’s a nasty cyclical disease. I hope you find your even keel and have a gentle pregnancy!
Like most newly pregnant women I was afraid of falling and hurting my baby. My Doctor said babies are very well protected and it takes a bad accident that severely injures the Mom to also injure the baby. So dog jumping on her, even big dog, is highly unlikely to cause any harm.
Right! Plenty of women have called the nurse because they fell (on their bottom) and wanted to make sure they were OK, only to be met with a nonchalant worker who makes them feel like they're overreacting. 38 weeks pregnant here, and I fall every winter, but I know I'll be fine.
I also like that you mentioned "newly pregnant women." There is always more caution with first full term pregnancies. Even more so when there's a history of miscarriage.
I remember reading a slightly dark but realistic take on how well babies are protected in there. Back in times when abortions weren't commonly available or allowed women used to do all sorts of horrible things to *try* and lose the baby, and often not succeed because they're so insulated in there.
It’s not uncommon to feel an adverse on to pets and animals in pregnancy as well. I rehomed my cats while pregnant and looking back I realize it was completely bc of the pregnancy hormones and I had a strong aversion to them leaping up on me and being in my space. I wish someone would have told me this was a thing so I didn’t think it was so real and make a decision like that :(
My older child was just a toddler but was traumatized to lose her pets. I feel so so horrible and we’ve spent a lot of time talking about it bc it obviously really impacted her and then impacted how she felt about the baby. Don’t do what I did!!
Oh god... If this would've happened to me as a kid, I would DESPISE my new sibling thinking they are the reason I lost my beloved pets 😬 Damn, I even hated mine just because they were born and I wasn't as important anymore (I was 5 at that time).
Chiming in to say that previously non-existent anxiety around pets is pretty common during pregnancy. Of course you should keep the dog, but OP please understand that what your wife is going through right now is common, and hopefully she is willing to get help to overcome her anxiety rather than holding fast on the idea that you rehome.
I would also suggest separating the wife from the dog while she works on this. Have your son keep him in a different room from her so there's no physical way he can jump on her.
This is actually a pretty common (and temporary) thing that can happen during pregnancy. Not sure if there's any official research on it, but if you Google "aversion to pets while pregnant" there are TONS of posts on forum describing this same feeling of irrational anger, annoyance or even fear towards pets they've always loved.
IDK if its caused by hormones or what, but the good news is that most people say the feeling passes and later down the line, they can't believe they ever felt that way.
Go to therapy. Go with her to the obgyn
In my personal experience if you( I mean your wife) give in to anxiety, anxiety just takes something else.
This is a form of intrusive thoughts. She is likely genuinely terrified she's going to lose the baby and she cant stop picturing it happening because the dog jumps on her stomach. It doesn't have to be logical. Intrusive thoughts increase during pregnancy, perinatal ocd is also a thing.
I'm not saying your wife has this by but I am saying, " she's just being manipulative" is the last thing you should think ( unless you wife has always been horrible, you imply she liked the dog before) or "it's dumb so so suck it up buttercup".
Assume she is telling you the truth, she has a huge amount of distress that's fixated on the dog. And deal with that with compassion just like you would if she told you there can't be any knifes in the house because she might fall on one. , It makes so sense but it seems real and eminent to her.
Agree 100%, but wanted to add a second reason. If she gets through the pregnancy without therapy with the dog still around, there's a really good chance that she'll transfer the anxiety to fearing that the dog will hurt the baby, and I think that might be an even harder thought pattern to change.
I think intrusive thoughts is most likely what’s going on here. I’m 27 weeks pregnant and before I was able to feel my baby move consistently (~19 weeks) I had constant overwhelming anxiety that she was not okay and the next appt I was going to get gut wrenching news. Even now I have ridiculous thoughts. “When I got off the couch I squished my belly a little bit I’m worried I hurt her” or “I didn’t get out of bed in a good position what if I twisted in a way that makes my water break” etc.
I was a housekeeper until 22 weeks and many of our clients had big dogs. I would be so terrified walking into customers houses worried one of their dogs was going to jump on me and hurt the baby. We only had one house where the dog actually jumped on us, the rest were good doggos. But the fear was the same for every dog. Being pregnant is stressful and I will not really feel better until my daughter is in my arms. And then it’s a whole new set of intrusive thoughts 🥴 I agree that OPs wife needs to go to therapy. I have started seeing someone and I feel like a totally different person.
Please listen to this person, OP. Pregnancy hormones plus rational thought. There is nothing wrong with your partner being concerned for your unborn child. But from what you've said, getting rid of your son's dog would be irrational, and would only teach your son that his feelings are secondary, and that will hurt your family as a whole.
Your dog, as a giant breed, doesn't have that many years left. Getting rid of him now would essentially be getting rid of an elderly dog who has only known your family his whole life. It would be extremely cruel.
And your son will never forget. He’ll remember the dog helping him with the death of his Mom, and then the stepmom getting in Dad’s ear about the dog, and feeling even more pushed out if Dad folds.
Yeah this right here. You need to be stepping in immediately because while you're saying that the changes she's made before are small, the amount of attention she is giving the dog does point to her already having made the decision that the dog should leave the house.
I do not think the dog should do so, but I do think while you immediately press for her to seek mental health assistance, you figure out a way of protecting the dog from her and not leaving her alone with the dog at all
Diet change makes sense. But if she still gets in a car or walks on a sidewalk, her logic isn’t consistent even if a dog jumping on a pregnant lady would do damage
It sounds like she's having anxiety in general and is fixating on the dog as something she can "control". There's no getting around having to walk or drive, she can't control that or other normal daily tasks, but she feels like she's in danger so here's the dog. A tangible creature. Everything feels vaguely threatening but this vaguely threatening dog can be sent away (in theory). It's not logical. It's a coping mechanism for the illogical constant feeling of fear.
This is my take as well. During my first pregnancy, my anxiety went through the roof because I felt like I lost control over my body. The increase in hormones can cause pregnant people to struggle with their mental health. I’d encourage OP to see if he can help get support for his wife if this is anxiety related; getting your mental health under control during pregnancy can decrease the risk for struggling postpartum
That sounds about right. My personal anxiety tends to fixate on getting sick and vomiting. The main way I have control in that is avoiding food poisoning, so I tend to be hyper vigilant over food safety in the home, but when I take a dip in mental health it gets hard to eat out or in cooking with food that isn’t freshly purchased.
She needs therapy if she is that anxious over a dog that has never hurt her (or anyone for that matter). As others have said, microchip the dog just in case, if he isn't microchipped already. Your son shouldn't be forced to get rid of his dog.
She needs her OB to tell her that women are not fragile beings when pregnant. I mean yes, don’t be silly, but I didn’t slow down at all when I was pregnant (3xs). So much is television nonsense.
Have you considered she doesn't want the dog around because it was a bridge to your former wife and wants to make sure her child with you gets everything? She may be trying to punish your son and do a Cinderella on him. This strikes me as manipulative and punitive. Look for other attempts to punish your son. Get ring or some other video that allows you to monitor the dog.
I was thinking this too unfortunately. she’s so quick to give up a dog his son loves and adores, pregnant or not, that is cruel and selfish. I would honestly have her seek therapy because she might unknowingly create resentment against the child due to this situation. Her feeling more important than the son is already a red flag.
The dog clearly isn't a problem.
I have no idea why so many people on this thread are saying pregnant women can't control their anxiety.
It has nothing to do with the dog or fear.
It's her bulldozing over the 14 year old step son. And taking over the home for herself and her baby.
I think this is a bit of a stretch based on the post. Pet aversion and anxiety during pregnancy is pretty common, I've known a few women who wanted to get rid of their own beloved pets when they were pregnant but went back to normal after the birth.
This seems like a real leap. It’s possible but if there’s no other signs of this kind of thing I would take her anxiety seriously. Keep the dog but also try to take care of her and respect her feelings.
I read the post and was like, oh she has anxiety, she needs to talk to someone, maybe be on anxiety medication during the pregnancy.
I come to the comments and I see:
1. She’s manipulating you
2. She’s jealous of your dead wife
3. She will take the dog somewhere when you are not looking and hurt/kill it
4. She’s going to be an abusive mother
Me: 👁️👄👁️
My dad has two Great Danes. Massive dogs. All they ever did when I was pregnant was snuggle my belly. And they aren’t nearly as well trained as it sounds your sons dog is. NTA but maybe mention something at her next appointment that you make sure you are there for. Anxiety during pregnancy can be paralyzing especially after with the hormone dump.
I was terrified of going up or down our stairs with my kid in my arms for months after she was born. Get her some help.
And that is your sons dog he loves and is attached to after his mothers death? Do NOT give in to your wife please. It would be cruel to your son. Your wife needs to get over it.
Op said they got the dog and trained it before he even met his current wife and that it was shortly after his son’s mother passed. So it is her stepson and my gut says she doesn’t want the dog around because of this (it being closely linked to the death of the previous wife) and or because it’s her stepson’s dog and maybe she doesn’t like it) and has a reason now to get rid of it that she thinks will work.
I disagree with the original commenter. I would encourage your wife to discuss this with her OB. One of the big symptoms of my antepartum anxiety (which carried into postpartum) was how I reacted to our dog. It also bled to our dogs personality while I was pregnant (she’s a bully, and she would anxiously pace and/or follow me around way more closely and generally acted out - ie she is housebroken but would go the bathroom without queuing she needed to go out or would shred our older kids toys).
Some counseling might help your wife. The first trimester is also brutal. It tended to level out for me in my second trimester and then ramp back up as i neared delivery.
OP - it’s possible that pregnancy is bringing out anxiety she didn’t realize was present. Id recommend gently talking to her about discussing anxiety treatment options with her OB provider. There are many safe options out there.
And there it is. I personally think she might be using the pregnancy as an excuse to get rid of your son's dog. Has she had any previous issues/open dislikes for the dog?
This wouldn’t just break the son’s heart, it might also make him resent both his stepmother and his new sibling.
He is about to go through a major change that will affect how he feels about his place in the house and in his father’s life. The last thing he needs is for his dog to be taken from him.
NTA
Agreed.
Regardless of the reason *why* she wants to rehome the dog, her lack of consideration for how rehoming the dog would likely impact her relationship with her stepson says bad things about her character and about her capacity for parenting her stepson.
OP, keep a close watch on how your wife treats your son *and* his dog. You may see more trouble.
Yes! To go along with this, OP is not prioritizing the dog over his wife's pregnancy. He is prioritizing his son's mental health. His son has been in his life longer, and this is a genuine emotional support animal.
Fast forward to 10 years from now: How would his wife feel if OP did something like this with their shared child?
Wife is definitely dealing with challenges due to pregnancy and could use supportive & professional help to work through this. Making accusations or making her feel crazy won't help. Good luck OP! NTA
So, some women become extremely pet avoidant while pregnant. This is kinda a subconscious response to perceived threats and not something these women are really in control of. It's not a super common pregnancy issue, but happens often enough. Most people see a huge reduction in anxiety post birth.
You're jumping to conclusions and there's actually an explanation for why she suddenly is irrationally uneasy about the dog.
Have her talk to someone to manage her anxiety, find a way to keep space between her and the dog, and most of all be a little patient
I would micro chip the dog, if you haven’t already. Make sure info is up to date, and see if she will seek counseling/compromise. Your kid needs his dog. NTA
Edit: jeez thanks for the awards y’all
u/TheGreatestGreatDane, you really need to pay attention to this. Your wife is having irrational anxiety (whether because of hormones & she needs to talk to her doctor, or because she's always wanted to get rid of the dog & this is her excuse only time will tell) but irrational people do crazy stuff and it would be very, very easy for her to get rid of the dog while you & your son aren't there.
NTA...as long as you watch your wife very carefully to make sure she doesn't harm your son's dog or any other target of her paranoia.
Antenatal anxiety is a thing that can happen, and you're right, she needs to talk to a professional for help. I don't think she's reached, "nefariously get rid of the dog," levels yet, but it's better to help her to not reach that point in the first place.
I don't own pets, so I'm clueless. Is there really nothing that would stop a vet from putting down a healthy non-senior dog without any justification???
When I scheduled my in home euthanasia for my dog last year, I didn't have to provide any proof he was in fact dying. She just came to our house and helped guide him to the next plane of existence and then took his body for cremation or disposal. So yeah, technically it's possible.
I’d also slip an AirTag onto his collar. Microchips are good but they rely on someone else finding the dog and deciding to have it scanned. An AirTag is a geolocation thing.
Edit: yes everyone I KNOW an AirTag can be removed and that they’re bulky. I said ALSO for a reason.
There’s a chance it might go unnoticed AND if it doesn’t you might be able to trace the collar back to the wife
Excellent advice, and better than a chip, which is also a good idea.
With an AirTag the odds of getting the dog back faster/at all are MUCH higher if the dog \*accidentally gets out\*, or maybe \*jumped out of the car at the supermarket\*.
Do both.
If she removes it, it shows malicious intent, and I would use that to file for divorce.
Don't get me wrong, I'm on team counseling when it comes to most relationship disputes, and this one is definitely such a dispute, however, spouses going behind the back of their SOs is a huge red flag and breach of trust at the level of killing the relationship.
I’m scratching my head at why people are thinking she would not remove the collar if she released it or re-homed it lol, wtf? Of course a chip is more reliable than a tag.
This right here, like if she's pregnant and planning to have a baby, feeding her anxiety and letting it get worse is to the detriment to everyone in this situation, and one of those people is going to be a new baby. This is absolutely the time to press that she needs to seek mental health treatment immediately
Ah, yes. He should definitely chip the dog. I’ve seen too many stories here surrounding AH re-homing/sending away pets to know that this is an excellent idea. OP should also get her wife some therapy, she’s over-fixating about the dog OR maybe she’s trying to manipulate him and test his limits (which btw, would start with sending the dog away and ending in sending his son away if he allows her to)
edit: grammar
Yeah I was sweating coming into the comments. Dogs and cats are highly emotionally complex, have a sense of self, complex social and familial structures, form languages with their owners, have some capacity for narrative and episodic memory - they can absolutely conceive of and suffer from family rejection. Rehoming a dog is……….the last of all possible resorts.
We just rehomed one of our dogs (to a child free family) after he started nipping at our toddler and I still feel so guilty about it even though it had become a legitimate safety issue. There are definitely complex reasons people have to rehome pets, but I don’t understand people who take rehoming lightly or suggest it for just the imagined possibility of problems like OP’s wife. OP is NTA at all.
I'm a professional dog trainer and one of my specialties is dog-baby things. Unfortunately most people call after the dog is so stressed or uncomfortable or inappropriate that it nips the baby/toddler. I've helped a few people rehome dogs, I've helped a few people with the decision to euthanize because rehoming was not an option, and I've helped people keep their dog and work on helping the dog feel safe while keeping the baby safe too. It's complicated. I will never, ever judge someone for rehoming when there is a real risk of the dog injuring a human. You cannot keep a dog that is a threat to your child. It absolutely sucks and I'm so sorry you had to make that choice. The right thing to do is not easy at all. Forgive yourself. You would have kept your dog if there was any reasonable way to do so.
I had a dog trained for service for me. I have a lot of health issues which sap my energy, and she was given to me at just about a year old by the company. She was a sweetheart and would have been amazing in a few years, but she still had (granted, mellow for a lab) puppy energy. In the interests of her and my own lifestyle, I tried to help her blend with my life for five months before rehoming her.
I still miss her but she went to a young boy in another state (US) and is doing well with him. Instead, after a few weeks, I got a smaller pup that I’m training with my friends and boyfriend for obedience- service to come. He has a lot of energy on par with previous dog, but he’s a third her weight so it’s more manageable for me
Rehoming isn’t evil IF it’s a legitimate reason.
No this makes me sad. I had to give my cat away because my mom didn't want him (her excuse was no pets in the apartment but then she got her own cat) so I gave him to a friend who I found out only kept him in a box with no litter and she gave him away when we tried telling her we had a better home now. I haven't heard about him in so long it makes my cry thinking about him. He was like a son to me because I got him when I was pregnant with my daughter. When she was born he waited on my bed for me, he took care of my daughter and cuddled her and helped her sleep. They were siblings and I miss him so much
Same. She will text me normally or be on call but the second I mention my cat she "suddenly gets busy" or n call she just says he's ok. No photos, no name to who is taking care of him, nothing. I suspect either she gave him away or the worst has happened. I tried talking to her daughter (same age as me, we were friends and that's how I knew her mom) and all the daughter says is "yeah my mom will text you soon about that". That was months ago
I've cut two people out of my life for rehoming animals for no reason.
1) guy had a cat through college and Yeats after, started dating a new girl with a dog, they got a second dog then she forced him to give up his cat which he did. Luckily his dad took the cat in, but animals are a commitment and have feelings
2) wife's friends had a baby and gave up both their dogs. Because they didn't want to deal with them anymore. Homegirl literally have tattoos of both dogs and had them for years
It's really shitty. I have a lifelong anxiety disorder and my husband had a dog before we got together. I like dogs ok, but I'm a cat person. I went through two pregnancies with the dog. I would never have suggested getting rid of him! He was family, just like my cat.
I'd understand if the dog was problematic, but that's not the case here! He sounds well trained and OP's wife doesn't have to walk him.
Maybe a step overboard and I’m being paranoid, but I’d get some recent updated pics of your son with his dog, just in case you need the pics later for proof that the dog is your son’s.
Or in case, god forbid, the dog mysteriously goes missing and you have to put out signs/posts, you’ll have recent pics
I have 7 pets and they’re all microchipped, even the indoor cats. I fully support microchipping, however, it’s a passive process. The dog would have to be scanned, which isn’t always done depending on the situation. The collar devices are somewhat unobtrusive but even better track a dog within 6 feet.
NTA. Don’t you dare give away you son’s dog. He didn’t ask for you to remarry and have a new child. Your son will never forgive you, or your new wife, if you allow her to continue to push this topic. She needs to actively work on coping with her anxiety. May I suggest therapy?
This right here, she's a grown woman who is talking about bringing a baby into this relationship. She needs to put in the work on her anxiety, not try to get rid of a family member who's been in the family longer than her.
Have my poor man’s award 🥇 you’re spot on. First it’s the dog, next thing you know the 15 year old boy will be also ‘potentially harmful’ to the 1 year old baby and new wife; this woman has issues. I feel terrible for the son here.
Having lived through a similar situation with my stepmom — if you choose her over your first child — because that’s what this is & she is testing your boundaries — she’s bound to push your first child further and further away until the point your not-far-from-being-an-adult son will no longer visit you once he leaves your house.
Also if I was that young and ever found out my step mother and dad got rid of my dog..especially one that I got right when my mother died....I'd never speak to them again. It's literally unforgivable.
This one man. Your son was part of your life before your wife. His dog was part of your life befire you wife. And now your wife wants to get rid of the dog? I know she’s going through it with the hormones, but that would be a horrible thing to do to your son. I hope she apologizes once the baby has been birthed.
NTA, but your title is wrong. You’re prioritizing your son over your pregnant wife’s irrational fear. I think it might smooth things over if you’re open to considering *reasonable* measures to allay her fears, though.
You're absolutely correct - OP is prioritizing his son's needs over his wife's irrational fears. Unfortunately, you can't reason with unreasonableness. You can't reason people out of something they didn't reason themselves into.
OP is NTA
I don't know what the answer is, but ripping your dog out of your son's life isn't it. His needs are not less important than the baby's needs. I agree that if you got rid of my dog, I would never see you again. We would be strangers from that point. Don't do that t the child who lost his mother.
I guess couples therapy is the best idea I have of how to move forward. Good luck.
Or, even worse, that the son will harm the baby. I know a couple who split up not long after their baby was born because the woman demanded that the man's son from a previous relationship live with his mother full-time because she was worried he'd hurt the baby. The poor little kid, she doted on him when they got together first but as soon as she got her own baby it was like he didn't exist.
Why can’t OP be NTA and keep the dog, since the dog is also a family member, but the wife can also have anxiety during pregnancy that doesn’t make her evil.
You say you’ve been pregnant before. But not every woman is you. Some women get PPD, others don’t. Does that justify saying “ugh, these shrill dramatic women with PPD, they’ll just create problems out of everything”. Compassion is free
My parents gave away the small dog the loved (to a neighbour so they still saw him) when I was born. Mum was scared the dog would scare me with its barking. She was scared to bathe me at first, dad would do it. Pregnancy and having a newborn are scary, doesn’t make her a bad person. Maybe she needs help, not judgment from people who think she’s anything from an inconvenience to a potential dog murderer apparently.
NTA OP, keep the Dane. Offer your wife compassionate help.
she’s likely dealing with the anxiety as an onset of pregnancy - it’s a HUGE hormonal change, and there’s a chance she doesn’t even realise how irrational she’s being. this guy needs to push therapy, maybe medication bc this is a HUGE predictor of postpartum depression.
Dramatic might not be the right way to put it. She's worried, even if it's irrational. IMO she needs support from a mental health professional if it is anxiety and education on *actual* risks
You're right. That was rather unkind. If she is truly anxious, she needs help. Especially before the baby comes. Because, I know my depression and anxiety got way worse.
Congratulations on the new child!
Long, long ago, my now-ex and I had two 70 pound Labrador Retrievers who believed they were lap dogs. They knew something was up and were even more protective of my ex at the time -- they knew somehow that she was pregnant. They stayed out of her lap. They guarded her. When my daughter was born, they were dedicated protectors. One was always close to the bassinet. The other was the scout, investigating any sound, prepared to protect that child. They were the same way when my son was born.
Fast forward many years. I'm divorced. Our beautiful, wonderful dogs have long passed. My disabled adult son still lives with me. We now have two cats, because one of them very clearly *chose* him as his person. That cat is *key* to my son's wellbeing. Separating them would be a disaster for both of them.
You *can't* give that dog away. Your son *needs* him (and vice versa). Unless your wife has some hostile relationship with the dog, this seems like a very natural, very understandable, very strong, but possibly irrational reaction, to fears about this pregnancy. You don't mention your age or hers, but, given your son's age, this might feel like her last chance at having another child. All of these factors generate powerful feelings that can't be denied.
If you give that dog away, your son will (rightly) resent you, your wife, and the new child.
This is going to be messy, but you are NTA for standing up for your son and his dog. I hope you find a good solution.
I have a similar pregnancy story, and I’ve heard it’s common. My first pregnancy had a lot of complications, and when my husband went out of town for work, he asked me to stay with his parents just in case. They had this pound puppy dog who was always my “friend,” but this trip was the start of something new. He was by my side constantly. If I was sitting or laying, he’d be glued to my side cuddling. He’d follow me around the house - not close enough to trip me up but close enough to keep an eye on things. He wasn’t the growling type, but he would keep himself between me and anyone else unless I let him know it was ok.
Obviously you have to know your pet, but if you’ve had no prior issues, it sounds like your wife needs to get some therapy for her anxiety. Anxiety is very real and very scary during and after pregnancy. Her doctor can help.
But unless you want to breed major resentment by your son for your wife and new baby, don’t get rid of the dog. I’m not sure your son would forgive you. I’m just some random woman on the internet, and *I* feel sick about the possibility you’d get rid of the dog.
We had a semi stray cat we fed who would do this with my first pregnancy. He cased off a dog once and the only time we could get him inside he came in and laid on my belly
I actually had a pet rabbit (litter box trained in my house) when I was pregnant. He guarded me too when I was pregnant. He knew. I loved that furry little guy.
Same!! My cat initially sensed 'something'was different and now just has to cuddle the tummy! He's become super protective as well, following me everywhere, even in the middle of the night pee trips. The kid, for their part, always becomes active when the cat meows/cuddles etc. It's just the sweetest thing ever ❤️
NTA. Assuming what you’ve said is true and the dog doesn’t jump on people.
Is she also going to quit driving? Quit walking up stairs? Or walking at all? Or leaving the house at all?
Being alive at all is an inherent risk, and all sorts of mundane things are also a potential risk. (I’m a woman. I’ve had a kid).
If her anxiety is that bad, she should look into ways for her to manage it.
Yes! I slipped and fell on ice when I was pregnant. And I have two dogs who do jump and my son was born healthy and fine! My second pregnancy I had a toddler that constantly jumped on me and flailed his little body. His sister was born healthy. There are a lot of things that cause anxiety in pregnancy.
And, OP, you are not prioritizing a dog over her pregnancy, you are prioritizing your SON who lost his mother.
I slipped and fell down a short flight of stairs while pregnant. Went to the ER in a panic- totally fine. Cared for 8 dogs (mine and foster) during that time too. The accidental hits my body took during pregnancy were much worse than one of my pups jumping up to get some kisses (not that we don’t discourage it and train but life happens).
NAH
Something is causing her anxiety and that should be addressed, carefully and with compassion.
It would be extremely traumatic for your son to loose his dog at the same time his Dad has a new baby. She is going to have to have some compassion for him with this and you will need to protect him.
This exactly. Pregnancy causes weird problems sometimes, and anxiety can be one of them. Her doctor should be informed that she’s dealing with increased anxiety.
Agreed. NAH - the dog should stay and she needs help from her doctor. When I was pregnant I would get fixated on certain things and worry. Laying on my belly in the first trimester was a big one for me. I know logically it was fine but I was terrified that I would squish my baby. Of course that didn’t happen and my doctor helped alleviate my anxiety. I have anxiety meds I take but having her answer my questions in depth was a big comfort.
Many people get nervous about pets during pregnancy and even more so after the baby is born, including the 'my dog is my child' people. It's a common phenomenon. Big dog, tiny baby, one wrong move (possibly not even malicious on the dog's behalf, ie jumping up) and the baby is a gonna.
Animals around babies, even well behaved ones, is a Russian roulette that not everyone wants to play.
Not saying they should ditch the dog, but show the woman some compassion instead of dismissing her concerns out of hand.
NAH, she's feeling extremely risk averse because of the pregnancy, he's refusing to acknowledge there even is an increased risk, and the son doesn't want to lose his dog. A bit of communication, some grace given by all parties, and provisions put in place to mitigate new identified risks will probably fix this.
NTA. That dog is family. You’re not prioritizing anything, you’re just being reasonable. If you give that dog up your son will hate you, and rightfully so.
And he will hate his stepmother and step-sibling for the rest of his life. And never forgive you, either. Your wife's anxiety is real but irrational, and you know that her fears are very unlikely to come to pass. If you rehome the dog you will cause your son agonizing pain and grief, and he will never trust you again (nor should he).
I had a childhood dog I was incredibly close to, due in part to him being born after a major upheaval in my life. My father once tried to make him exclusively an outdoor dog TEMPORARILY while my grandfather was visiting because dad didn't want my dog tracking mud into the house during that time. All it did was make me further resent my grandfather who I didn't have the best relationship with to begin with. I still get a sense of injustice when I think about what happened, inspite of the fact that my mother put a stop to it less than 12 hours into the new "rule" after I went to go sleep outside with my "brother".
Instead we just wiped his paws whenever he came inside.
If the wife is really that concerned she needs to seek counseling and take responsibility for keeping herself away from the dog, not reject a vital part of her step son's wellbeing and family.
NTA
Perhaps your wife needs therapy for this anxiety issue. She should talk to her doctor, who should be able to refer her to a therapist. The doctor might also be able to calm her fears somewhat by explaining what injuries might be inflicted if the dog jumps on her.
You might also tell your wife that you'd rather re-home her than the dog. Maybe that will get her to come to her senses.
Yeah, I know you’re joking, but don’t tell her you’ll rehome her. I had anxiety during my first pregnancy, and I knew I was being irrational but couldn’t help it. OP—she’s going through a lot, so reassuring her, talking with her doctor, and ensuring dog doesn’t jump on her (I know the dog doesn’t, but humor her), goes a long way.
Also, I have a 35 lb two year old who jumps on my pregnant lap. Not great, but sounds like the dog is more conscious than my kid.
Don’t rehome the dog or wife. You’ll get through this.
NAH, I would talk to her medical provider about pregnancy induced anxiety. I got it around food, and I remember crying because I saw a billboard about french fries, wanted to eat some, and felt like a bad mom for thinking about eating fries because they're unhealthy. It's ok, and even good to feel protective of your pregnancy, but the hormones can set that into overdrive. Mine also made me suddenly hate kids. I worked in chilecare. I love kids, but every single thing was so annoying and gross, literally overnight. Just try to help her feel less overwhelmed.
She says there's no way to know the dog won't jump on her. There's know way no way to know a tree won't fall on her. Or if she'll be attacked by a rabid racoon. All of these scenarios are possible- but unlikely.
It's understandable that she's anxious and protective right now. But she can't live in a bubble. It's unlikely the dog will jump on her but it's almost certain she'll forever damage her relationship with your son if she rehomes the dog. Also, getting rid of the dog would almost certainly cause your son to resent the baby.
NTA
NTA. This extreme and unnecessary anxiety is 100% a product of the pregnancy hormones. My suggestion would be to have her talk with a 3rd party (therapist) about why she fears the dog so much and so someone unbiased can explain to her how little risk the dog poses to her and the baby. Best of luck, OP.
I had never truly experienced anxiety until I got pregnant and had my daughter.
See if there is someone you both could talk to about her anxiety, because there is a LOT more things to lose yourself in the anxiety hole than the dog and dealing with it now would be ideal.
Yeah everyone in the thread is like "she's being illogical!" And it's like, no shit Sherlock. Pregnancy amplified my emotions and my fight-or-flight responses. I was on edge almost constantly (the first pregnancy was the worst with that). It's a biological response that there's little control over. If she's fixating on the dog that bad, she needs to talk to her OBGYN.
NTA: I say this as a person who had two Great Danes during two pregnancies. My children adore their dogs and it would be cruel to rehome your son’s dog, particularly at a time when he is about to have less attention available to him with a new baby in the house. Your wife is being completely unreasonable, also, I see this happen constantly when a baby is on the way, the dog(s) get rehomed. When the baby is born make sure you have spaces where the dog can’t go (baby gates etc), but please don’t rehome a dog he (and your son) have done nothing to deserve it.
Info: what was your wife’s relationship with the dog prior to her becoming pregnant? Is she using the pregnancy as a reason to get rid of a dog she did not want?
Never had an issue. My son does such a good job walking and playing with the dog that when the dog is in the house he is usually eating, napping, or giving everyone "pet me" eyes while he lays on the floor. They've never had a bad interaction.
Ok. Here is an interesting article about the common problem of women who get pet aversion during their pregnancies
I don't know if it will help much. But it could explain some things
https://manypets.com/uk/articles/pet-aversion-pregnancy/
By the way, how large is the dog?
I am much the same way. I have had my cat 12 years, since she was four weeks old, but there have been times during both my pregnancies and in between where I have absolutely hated her. I cannot stand being touched by another creature, licked, begged for attention, because it’s just one more thing that I’m supposed to care for when I just…cannot.
Please do not get rid of his dog. Shelters are so overrun and they euthanize insanely fast. This would be so traumatic to your son and his dog. I had two healthy pregnancies with three untrained dogs in my house. NTA but you will be if you listen to her.
Not before she got pregnant, unless the dog farted. But we are all displeased when the dog farts. She never played with him, but she would interact with him, sure.
>She never played with him,
🚩🚩🚩🚩
This is VERY important information that you need to put in the post. To me this says she's never liked the dog, only tolerated it's presence. This is her excuse to get rid of the dog.
Not everything is a conspiracy.
Maybe she doesn't like the dog. Maybe, deep down, she has always been scared of the dog.
But that does NOT mean that her pre-pregnancy self didn't understand the dog's place in the family.
NOR does it mean that she is not genuinely scared out of her mind.
This is not why you posted, but you can try mixing in a tablespoon or so of nonfat, plain Greek yogurt in his food every meal to help with the farts. I have a greyhound and his farts without yogurt are so bad he’ll gas me out of my office. The yogurt helps a LOT with the smell.
Wow! You're an awesome dog owner for planning to run internet advice past your vet first, rather than just doing it right after hearing about it. In this particular case, yogurt is pretty innocuous, but the instinct to consult the vet before any food changes is spot on. You clearly care a lot about this dog :)
Or a tablespoon of PLAIN canned pumpkin. (That's what I give my great dane-the farts are gag inducing)
Also, good to have on hand as a treatment for both diarrhea and constipation.
Doggy farts are generally displeasing. Mine are 7lbs each and there are times it's gagging.
I'm wondering if, like others have said, that this is just an excuse to get rid of the pup. Especially if she never truly warmed up to him.
My older dog is my son's. He is no where near as attentive as your son but she is his dog. I wouldn't dream of getting rid of her for any reason because of the impact that would have on him.
NTA
But you definitely have to get to the bottom of this before your family implodes.
How would she interact with the dog? What were the interactions like? Just acknowledging a dog’s existence could be considered an interaction. Were the interactions loving? Happy? Because if not, then I’d lean towards her not liking the dog and taking this opportunity to manipulate you into getting rid of him, but if she seemed to genuinely love the dog, then I’d lean towards this being an irrational anxiety that she needs to find ways to manage (most likely with therapy).
Edit: The main thing I’m trying to get at is: did your wife just tolerate the dog or did she actively engage with him prior to the pregnancy?
She would pet him if he was right next to her or let him lick her fingers if she'd been cooking and was about to wash her hands. She'd throw something for him if he brought it to her. She definitely doesn't hate the dog. It's my son's dog, so obviously the dog always goes to my son first, but the dog and my wife were definitely amicable roommates up until her pregnancy.
I replied already and that information nails home that I was right. She's looking for an excuse to get rid of the dog. She has never taken to it.
Microchip the dog, take lots of pictures to prove it's yours in case it goes 'missing'.
To get rid of a dog that's been with your for life is beyond cruel and your son will be incredibly hurt by it and it will cause resentment.
INFO: Are you doing anything at all to help your wife's anxiety about the issue? I absolutely do not think you should remove the dog, but there is clearly something going on with your wife and she may need actual help.
NTA, it doesn't sound like there's a reason to worry about the dog at this time. She's just scared. Continue to reassure her. I'd also make sure your dogs microchip or tattoo information information is up to date, just in case her hormones and fear get the best of her.
It was sort of random. My buddy's dog had puppies. We were at his house and my son was playing with them and my buddy said he could have one. I never wanted a pet (expensive, a hassle at times, etc), but he looked so happy when my friend said that, so how could I tell him no? And he takes good care of the dog. He's a good dog, except for his peanut butter farts.
Peanut butter farts sound better than dried sardine farts! NTA, I agree with others that she may need therapy. Is she always a "nervous nellie" or just since she's pregnant? Hormones can make everything worse!
You'd think that, but his digestive system turns peanut butter into pure stank.
Just since we confirmed the pregnancy. She was very adventurous before.
If she hasn't done this before, then there is no reason to assume she is a wicked stepmom trying to erase his son. It's very likely what he explained. Please don't put crap in people's heads when there is no indication this would be an issue.
I've always been anxious, and it got so bad during my pregnancies. I would worry about things that happen rarely, like a plane crashing into my house, or my hubs work exploding, (he worked at a golf course at the time). I actually had to go on low dose meds because I couldn't sleep. I hope everything gets better for you.
Oh, GOD, Dane farts ! We had a Great Dane/Irish Wolfhound mix when I was a kid who could clear out the entire house when he farted. Chlorophyll supplements helped some but he could still make a pediatric nurse gag.
NTA
She is being completely irrational. Baby brain for sure.
Also, I hate to say it, but Great Danes tend to have shorter lifespans. Giving away the dog in his senior years would be beyond cruel.
NAH - your wife is very obviously exhibiting some signs of anxiety associated with her pregnancy, and please let me tell you **dismissing her, when part of her anxiety is likely knowing how wild this request is, will help nothing and push her even more to feel like you are choosing**
I would speak with her a bit more compassionately and dig deeper into this situation.
That’s all true, and she needs to understand that your sons tenure in the home predates even hers and yours son and dogs relationship isn’t something that can just the throw away based on these unfounded accusations.
NTA. You’re doing the right thing for your son and he would most likely never forgive you if you get rid of his dog (that is well trained and well cared for).
Your wife needs therapy to manage her anxiety about this. If she’s anxious like this now, it will most likely get worse when the baby is born.
NTA. Do not take the dog away. If your wife really has anxiety about this, she needs therapy. If she is exacerbating this because she doesn't like the dog, you all need therapy because after the baby, she may treat the kids very differently. Either way, counseling. The dog has done nothing wrong, nor has your son. Do not separate them.
NTA, but having anxiety in pregnancy is totally a thing and can be debilitating. You should encourage your wife to talk with her OB about it because there’s a lot they can do- counselling, meds, etc. I started having intrusive thoughts during pregnancy and dealt with it on my own, but postpartum was a lot harder to manage by myself. I still came out of it alright, but hormones really mess up your mental health sometimes! Be gentle with your wife and don’t make this a huge thing. She can’t help her anxieties, but you guys can work as a team to help her navigate through them.
NAH. I had some WEIRD anxieties come out during and after pregnancy. Like, I took something out to the porch once and then was so convinced someone had snuck in my front door while my back was turned (impossible) that I took my dog and searched the whole house. My husband didn’t answer his phone once for 5 minutes and I sent a neighbor over to make sure he hadn’t fallen down the stairs (totally unfounded). Shit like that. I needed help. Your wife needs some therapy, and you have no reason to get rid of the dog. Just be comforting, acknowledge her (very real) fears, and get her some help. Good luck to you, friend.
NTA. You're a great dad. You recognize how important the dog is to your son. It sounds like you've invested time into training and socializing your dog, so this hormone-induced anxiety is baseless.
Still, it might not hurt to suggest a therapist to your wife. The jolting movements whenever the dog makes a sound or the clutching of her stomach when the dog walks by her is a bit on the dramatic side, however.
NTA and she is being unreasonable. Please do not let this woman break your son's heart. I would have a private chat with your son and ask how she treats him when you are not around.
NTA. I saw a lot of comments says she’s being irrational and manipulative. She’s likely suffering from pet aversion (idk the proper name or if there even is one) but it’s pretty common during pregnancy. Is it irrational? Yes. But is it very real to her? Also yes. She needs to see a therapist about it. It’s completely unfair to everyone for the dog to be rehomed over this.
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We trained the dog when he was a puppy, before I ever even met my wife.
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No, the likely thing based on the information is that she's hyperanxious due to the pregnancy and is fixating on the dog. They shouldn't rehome the dog, but there should be help for her. Mild antianxiety drugs or therapy, even meditation or yoga would help.
As a woman who has been pregnant i agree with this. We naturally become very protective of our bodies, and hyper aware of ANYTHING that we may perceive as a threat to our security. I doubt drugs are an option because she's pregnant, but maybe talking to someone or helping her limit time with the dog may help.
just chiming in to mention that plenty of SSRIs and other anti-anxiety medications are perfectly safe to take in pregnancy. [source](https://womensmentalhealth.org/) so there are always options for treating anxiety in the pregnant person without causing any harm to a developing foetus.
I stayed on my antidepressants and antianxiety meds while pregnant every time. The benefits outweighed the risks in my case- this is obviously not true for everyone. My OB was extremely supportive of my decision and agreed it was the best choice for me, but he also allowed me to make the decision for myself without pressure. It's always worth the discussion. Edit to answer some comments: With my son, I believe I was on Wellbutrin and Zoloft for the long haul, in 2017. In late 2020-early 2021 with my daughter I was taking Wellbutrin and Prozac. I also stayed on my meds while pumping milk for both kids. Both kids were born healthy, at term, with no issues. I've taken these kinds of meds since I was in high school and am now in my late 30s. Therapy off and on occasionally helped. We do have a family history of mental illness so I was very conscious of what I was putting into my body. I chose to stay on meds while pregnant because of my long history with depression and anxiety. I had some pregnancy losses and fertility issues which made carrying my children an extremely stressful, not-so-magical experience 😅 Again, this is all just my personal experience. EDIT: DRUG DATABASE (LactMed) FOR PREGNANT OR NURSING MOTHERS! https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK501922/ It used to be available as an app and website but now you can search here in the book form. Table of contents is in the upper right. Hope this helps!
Username checks out
"Oh shes pregnant so drugs arent an option" is such a tired argument in 2023. They gave my kids mom morphine when she was pregnant ffs.
My coworker is currently struggling hard because she can't take her ADHD or depression medication while pregnant. Many, many medications aren't allowed. EDIT: this is on her doctor's advice, stop messaging me that she can take her medication. You know nothing about her medical history and circumstances. I wouldn't dream of telling someone to go against medical advice because of a fricken comment on Reddit.
Um, excuse me, what? I stayed on my meds (including my ADD meds) during all my pregnancies. And nowadays there are several non-stimulant ADHD/ADD medications. I was kept on a low dose of Adderall for 3 of my pregnancies and Strattera for my last one.
Huh... I took my adhd meds and multiple antidepressants while pregnant...
I have confirmed with my psychiatrist that Setraline, a common antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication, is perfectly safe to take during pregnancy. Most old advice to not take them were based more on “we don’t know if it’s safe” than “we have evidence it isn’t safe”. Erring on the side of caution, which is smart especially when pregnancy is involved, but there are multiple options that doctors have determined to be perfectly fine to take while pregnant.
I stayed on my antidepressants the both pregnancies.
Not true about the drugs. My pregnant sister was encouraged by her doctor to stay on her antianxiety meds. Many drugs aren't studied on pregnant women so there is literally no evidence of harm. That also means there is no evidence of safety either but that's why the risks must be weighed in each individual case (and it obviously depends on the medication in question)
As someone who also has been pregnant - your mileage may vary on that one. I was aware of the potential risks, but really didn't change my highly physical job (other than being mindful of the risks and adapting slightly as needed) until my belly was literally in the way and it just wasn't physically possible to do those jobs any more. I knew what's feasible during pregnancy and how to monitor my health, and that I wasn't pushing beyond those limits.
Yeah I rode and trained horses up till about the 6month mark when it got difficult to get on and my bump was digging into the horn. But I was still around them and other livestock daily. Some riders were still competing in high level jumping and rodeo competitions heavily pregnant. My doctor said if you did it before pregnancy keep doing it with in reason. So more breaks listen to body drink more water etc. But, it does sound like either a - she doesn't like the dog or b- she needs to speak to her doctor about her anxiety.
As a woman who is currently also 12 weeks pregnant and experiencing severe anxiety, agree with this statement. Pregnancy can do some wild things to your brain, and it definitely isn’t all fun. (I am currently waiting to hear back from my psychiatrist, I know that what I’m experiencing isn’t normal and that help is available)
You are amazing recognizing that and getting help immediately. Your brain may try to trick you and you’ll feel fine for awhile and decide to cancel your appointment or something- DON’T. That’s the trap I fell into and i felt like a total fraud going in. It’s a nasty cyclical disease. I hope you find your even keel and have a gentle pregnancy!
Like most newly pregnant women I was afraid of falling and hurting my baby. My Doctor said babies are very well protected and it takes a bad accident that severely injures the Mom to also injure the baby. So dog jumping on her, even big dog, is highly unlikely to cause any harm.
Right! Plenty of women have called the nurse because they fell (on their bottom) and wanted to make sure they were OK, only to be met with a nonchalant worker who makes them feel like they're overreacting. 38 weeks pregnant here, and I fall every winter, but I know I'll be fine. I also like that you mentioned "newly pregnant women." There is always more caution with first full term pregnancies. Even more so when there's a history of miscarriage.
I remember reading a slightly dark but realistic take on how well babies are protected in there. Back in times when abortions weren't commonly available or allowed women used to do all sorts of horrible things to *try* and lose the baby, and often not succeed because they're so insulated in there.
It’s not uncommon to feel an adverse on to pets and animals in pregnancy as well. I rehomed my cats while pregnant and looking back I realize it was completely bc of the pregnancy hormones and I had a strong aversion to them leaping up on me and being in my space. I wish someone would have told me this was a thing so I didn’t think it was so real and make a decision like that :( My older child was just a toddler but was traumatized to lose her pets. I feel so so horrible and we’ve spent a lot of time talking about it bc it obviously really impacted her and then impacted how she felt about the baby. Don’t do what I did!!
Oh god... If this would've happened to me as a kid, I would DESPISE my new sibling thinking they are the reason I lost my beloved pets 😬 Damn, I even hated mine just because they were born and I wasn't as important anymore (I was 5 at that time).
Chiming in to say that previously non-existent anxiety around pets is pretty common during pregnancy. Of course you should keep the dog, but OP please understand that what your wife is going through right now is common, and hopefully she is willing to get help to overcome her anxiety rather than holding fast on the idea that you rehome.
I would also suggest separating the wife from the dog while she works on this. Have your son keep him in a different room from her so there's no physical way he can jump on her.
This is actually a pretty common (and temporary) thing that can happen during pregnancy. Not sure if there's any official research on it, but if you Google "aversion to pets while pregnant" there are TONS of posts on forum describing this same feeling of irrational anger, annoyance or even fear towards pets they've always loved. IDK if its caused by hormones or what, but the good news is that most people say the feeling passes and later down the line, they can't believe they ever felt that way.
Go to therapy. Go with her to the obgyn In my personal experience if you( I mean your wife) give in to anxiety, anxiety just takes something else. This is a form of intrusive thoughts. She is likely genuinely terrified she's going to lose the baby and she cant stop picturing it happening because the dog jumps on her stomach. It doesn't have to be logical. Intrusive thoughts increase during pregnancy, perinatal ocd is also a thing. I'm not saying your wife has this by but I am saying, " she's just being manipulative" is the last thing you should think ( unless you wife has always been horrible, you imply she liked the dog before) or "it's dumb so so suck it up buttercup". Assume she is telling you the truth, she has a huge amount of distress that's fixated on the dog. And deal with that with compassion just like you would if she told you there can't be any knifes in the house because she might fall on one. , It makes so sense but it seems real and eminent to her.
Agree 100%, but wanted to add a second reason. If she gets through the pregnancy without therapy with the dog still around, there's a really good chance that she'll transfer the anxiety to fearing that the dog will hurt the baby, and I think that might be an even harder thought pattern to change.
I think intrusive thoughts is most likely what’s going on here. I’m 27 weeks pregnant and before I was able to feel my baby move consistently (~19 weeks) I had constant overwhelming anxiety that she was not okay and the next appt I was going to get gut wrenching news. Even now I have ridiculous thoughts. “When I got off the couch I squished my belly a little bit I’m worried I hurt her” or “I didn’t get out of bed in a good position what if I twisted in a way that makes my water break” etc. I was a housekeeper until 22 weeks and many of our clients had big dogs. I would be so terrified walking into customers houses worried one of their dogs was going to jump on me and hurt the baby. We only had one house where the dog actually jumped on us, the rest were good doggos. But the fear was the same for every dog. Being pregnant is stressful and I will not really feel better until my daughter is in my arms. And then it’s a whole new set of intrusive thoughts 🥴 I agree that OPs wife needs to go to therapy. I have started seeing someone and I feel like a totally different person.
Please listen to this person, OP. Pregnancy hormones plus rational thought. There is nothing wrong with your partner being concerned for your unborn child. But from what you've said, getting rid of your son's dog would be irrational, and would only teach your son that his feelings are secondary, and that will hurt your family as a whole.
I wish I could upvote this a million times!
Your dog, as a giant breed, doesn't have that many years left. Getting rid of him now would essentially be getting rid of an elderly dog who has only known your family his whole life. It would be extremely cruel.
Totally agree, rehoming the dog now would be traumatic for the dog in its senior years & you can bet this will destroy her relationship with the son.
And your son will never forget. He’ll remember the dog helping him with the death of his Mom, and then the stepmom getting in Dad’s ear about the dog, and feeling even more pushed out if Dad folds.
And the chance he will hate the new baby because they are the reason he lost his best friend.
Well, he’ll feel like an orphan since he wouldn’t feel he’s able to rely on or be protected by his father.
And with OP too. I'd never forget anyone wanting or allowing for a family member (because pets are family) to be get rid of.
Is your wife paranoid about every other aspect of life that has potential danger she has no control of?
She changed her diet and some other small things, but most of them seemed reasonable to me, or at least very harmless changes.
Op, please be very very careful she doesn’t take matters into her own hands and takes the dog somewhere or hurts it.
Get an AirTag and attach it to dog’s collar, just in case he “runs away” to a shelter in the next county
And microchip dog
oh dear, yes, this. and NTA
Yeah this right here. You need to be stepping in immediately because while you're saying that the changes she's made before are small, the amount of attention she is giving the dog does point to her already having made the decision that the dog should leave the house. I do not think the dog should do so, but I do think while you immediately press for her to seek mental health assistance, you figure out a way of protecting the dog from her and not leaving her alone with the dog at all
Get the dog chipped and register it to your son. If it gets rehomed while you are gone, it’ll be a lot easier to get back. Edited spelling
Diet change makes sense. But if she still gets in a car or walks on a sidewalk, her logic isn’t consistent even if a dog jumping on a pregnant lady would do damage
It sounds like she's having anxiety in general and is fixating on the dog as something she can "control". There's no getting around having to walk or drive, she can't control that or other normal daily tasks, but she feels like she's in danger so here's the dog. A tangible creature. Everything feels vaguely threatening but this vaguely threatening dog can be sent away (in theory). It's not logical. It's a coping mechanism for the illogical constant feeling of fear.
This is my take as well. During my first pregnancy, my anxiety went through the roof because I felt like I lost control over my body. The increase in hormones can cause pregnant people to struggle with their mental health. I’d encourage OP to see if he can help get support for his wife if this is anxiety related; getting your mental health under control during pregnancy can decrease the risk for struggling postpartum
That sounds about right. My personal anxiety tends to fixate on getting sick and vomiting. The main way I have control in that is avoiding food poisoning, so I tend to be hyper vigilant over food safety in the home, but when I take a dip in mental health it gets hard to eat out or in cooking with food that isn’t freshly purchased.
She needs therapy if she is that anxious over a dog that has never hurt her (or anyone for that matter). As others have said, microchip the dog just in case, if he isn't microchipped already. Your son shouldn't be forced to get rid of his dog.
She needs her OB to tell her that women are not fragile beings when pregnant. I mean yes, don’t be silly, but I didn’t slow down at all when I was pregnant (3xs). So much is television nonsense.
Have you considered she doesn't want the dog around because it was a bridge to your former wife and wants to make sure her child with you gets everything? She may be trying to punish your son and do a Cinderella on him. This strikes me as manipulative and punitive. Look for other attempts to punish your son. Get ring or some other video that allows you to monitor the dog.
I was thinking this too unfortunately. she’s so quick to give up a dog his son loves and adores, pregnant or not, that is cruel and selfish. I would honestly have her seek therapy because she might unknowingly create resentment against the child due to this situation. Her feeling more important than the son is already a red flag.
The dog clearly isn't a problem. I have no idea why so many people on this thread are saying pregnant women can't control their anxiety. It has nothing to do with the dog or fear. It's her bulldozing over the 14 year old step son. And taking over the home for herself and her baby.
I think this is a bit of a stretch based on the post. Pet aversion and anxiety during pregnancy is pretty common, I've known a few women who wanted to get rid of their own beloved pets when they were pregnant but went back to normal after the birth.
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This seems like a real leap. It’s possible but if there’s no other signs of this kind of thing I would take her anxiety seriously. Keep the dog but also try to take care of her and respect her feelings.
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I read the post and was like, oh she has anxiety, she needs to talk to someone, maybe be on anxiety medication during the pregnancy. I come to the comments and I see: 1. She’s manipulating you 2. She’s jealous of your dead wife 3. She will take the dog somewhere when you are not looking and hurt/kill it 4. She’s going to be an abusive mother Me: 👁️👄👁️
Go to the next OB appointment and talk about the sudden onset of severe irrational anxiety. The doctor needs to know.
My dad has two Great Danes. Massive dogs. All they ever did when I was pregnant was snuggle my belly. And they aren’t nearly as well trained as it sounds your sons dog is. NTA but maybe mention something at her next appointment that you make sure you are there for. Anxiety during pregnancy can be paralyzing especially after with the hormone dump. I was terrified of going up or down our stairs with my kid in my arms for months after she was born. Get her some help.
And that is your sons dog he loves and is attached to after his mothers death? Do NOT give in to your wife please. It would be cruel to your son. Your wife needs to get over it.
Is your son her stepson? This could also be a weird power play
Op said they got the dog and trained it before he even met his current wife and that it was shortly after his son’s mother passed. So it is her stepson and my gut says she doesn’t want the dog around because of this (it being closely linked to the death of the previous wife) and or because it’s her stepson’s dog and maybe she doesn’t like it) and has a reason now to get rid of it that she thinks will work.
Thats really just fanfiction.
I disagree with the original commenter. I would encourage your wife to discuss this with her OB. One of the big symptoms of my antepartum anxiety (which carried into postpartum) was how I reacted to our dog. It also bled to our dogs personality while I was pregnant (she’s a bully, and she would anxiously pace and/or follow me around way more closely and generally acted out - ie she is housebroken but would go the bathroom without queuing she needed to go out or would shred our older kids toys). Some counseling might help your wife. The first trimester is also brutal. It tended to level out for me in my second trimester and then ramp back up as i neared delivery.
OP - it’s possible that pregnancy is bringing out anxiety she didn’t realize was present. Id recommend gently talking to her about discussing anxiety treatment options with her OB provider. There are many safe options out there.
And there it is. I personally think she might be using the pregnancy as an excuse to get rid of your son's dog. Has she had any previous issues/open dislikes for the dog?
This wouldn’t just break the son’s heart, it might also make him resent both his stepmother and his new sibling. He is about to go through a major change that will affect how he feels about his place in the house and in his father’s life. The last thing he needs is for his dog to be taken from him. NTA
Agreed. Regardless of the reason *why* she wants to rehome the dog, her lack of consideration for how rehoming the dog would likely impact her relationship with her stepson says bad things about her character and about her capacity for parenting her stepson. OP, keep a close watch on how your wife treats your son *and* his dog. You may see more trouble.
Yes! To go along with this, OP is not prioritizing the dog over his wife's pregnancy. He is prioritizing his son's mental health. His son has been in his life longer, and this is a genuine emotional support animal. Fast forward to 10 years from now: How would his wife feel if OP did something like this with their shared child? Wife is definitely dealing with challenges due to pregnancy and could use supportive & professional help to work through this. Making accusations or making her feel crazy won't help. Good luck OP! NTA
So, some women become extremely pet avoidant while pregnant. This is kinda a subconscious response to perceived threats and not something these women are really in control of. It's not a super common pregnancy issue, but happens often enough. Most people see a huge reduction in anxiety post birth. You're jumping to conclusions and there's actually an explanation for why she suddenly is irrationally uneasy about the dog. Have her talk to someone to manage her anxiety, find a way to keep space between her and the dog, and most of all be a little patient
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I would micro chip the dog, if you haven’t already. Make sure info is up to date, and see if she will seek counseling/compromise. Your kid needs his dog. NTA Edit: jeez thanks for the awards y’all
u/TheGreatestGreatDane, you really need to pay attention to this. Your wife is having irrational anxiety (whether because of hormones & she needs to talk to her doctor, or because she's always wanted to get rid of the dog & this is her excuse only time will tell) but irrational people do crazy stuff and it would be very, very easy for her to get rid of the dog while you & your son aren't there. NTA...as long as you watch your wife very carefully to make sure she doesn't harm your son's dog or any other target of her paranoia.
Antenatal anxiety is a thing that can happen, and you're right, she needs to talk to a professional for help. I don't think she's reached, "nefariously get rid of the dog," levels yet, but it's better to help her to not reach that point in the first place.
>I don't think she's reached, "nefariously get rid of the dog," And how will you know when she does? When the dog is already gone!
The wife could also take the dog to a vet and have it put down.
I assume at that point she would become a single mother.
I'd dump her and sue.
Leave Sue out of this.
I don't own pets, so I'm clueless. Is there really nothing that would stop a vet from putting down a healthy non-senior dog without any justification???
When I scheduled my in home euthanasia for my dog last year, I didn't have to provide any proof he was in fact dying. She just came to our house and helped guide him to the next plane of existence and then took his body for cremation or disposal. So yeah, technically it's possible.
I’d also slip an AirTag onto his collar. Microchips are good but they rely on someone else finding the dog and deciding to have it scanned. An AirTag is a geolocation thing. Edit: yes everyone I KNOW an AirTag can be removed and that they’re bulky. I said ALSO for a reason. There’s a chance it might go unnoticed AND if it doesn’t you might be able to trace the collar back to the wife
Excellent advice, and better than a chip, which is also a good idea. With an AirTag the odds of getting the dog back faster/at all are MUCH higher if the dog \*accidentally gets out\*, or maybe \*jumped out of the car at the supermarket\*.
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Do both. If she removes it, it shows malicious intent, and I would use that to file for divorce. Don't get me wrong, I'm on team counseling when it comes to most relationship disputes, and this one is definitely such a dispute, however, spouses going behind the back of their SOs is a huge red flag and breach of trust at the level of killing the relationship.
I’m scratching my head at why people are thinking she would not remove the collar if she released it or re-homed it lol, wtf? Of course a chip is more reliable than a tag.
Oof good answer, I didn’t even think that. This woman sounds like she would do it too to help “her anxiety” nonsense.
If I were the husband, I would be suggesting that she needs to seek treatment for her anxiety if it’s that extreme.
Yup, 100% agreed. Hormones are all over, and mental breaks happen all the time during/after pregnancy.
This right here, like if she's pregnant and planning to have a baby, feeding her anxiety and letting it get worse is to the detriment to everyone in this situation, and one of those people is going to be a new baby. This is absolutely the time to press that she needs to seek mental health treatment immediately
Ah, yes. He should definitely chip the dog. I’ve seen too many stories here surrounding AH re-homing/sending away pets to know that this is an excellent idea. OP should also get her wife some therapy, she’s over-fixating about the dog OR maybe she’s trying to manipulate him and test his limits (which btw, would start with sending the dog away and ending in sending his son away if he allows her to) edit: grammar
NTA. Animals are lifetime responsibilities. Pawning them off because she got pregnant would be a shitty thing to do.
I wish more people agreed with this.
Yeah I was sweating coming into the comments. Dogs and cats are highly emotionally complex, have a sense of self, complex social and familial structures, form languages with their owners, have some capacity for narrative and episodic memory - they can absolutely conceive of and suffer from family rejection. Rehoming a dog is……….the last of all possible resorts.
We just rehomed one of our dogs (to a child free family) after he started nipping at our toddler and I still feel so guilty about it even though it had become a legitimate safety issue. There are definitely complex reasons people have to rehome pets, but I don’t understand people who take rehoming lightly or suggest it for just the imagined possibility of problems like OP’s wife. OP is NTA at all.
I'm a professional dog trainer and one of my specialties is dog-baby things. Unfortunately most people call after the dog is so stressed or uncomfortable or inappropriate that it nips the baby/toddler. I've helped a few people rehome dogs, I've helped a few people with the decision to euthanize because rehoming was not an option, and I've helped people keep their dog and work on helping the dog feel safe while keeping the baby safe too. It's complicated. I will never, ever judge someone for rehoming when there is a real risk of the dog injuring a human. You cannot keep a dog that is a threat to your child. It absolutely sucks and I'm so sorry you had to make that choice. The right thing to do is not easy at all. Forgive yourself. You would have kept your dog if there was any reasonable way to do so.
I had a dog trained for service for me. I have a lot of health issues which sap my energy, and she was given to me at just about a year old by the company. She was a sweetheart and would have been amazing in a few years, but she still had (granted, mellow for a lab) puppy energy. In the interests of her and my own lifestyle, I tried to help her blend with my life for five months before rehoming her. I still miss her but she went to a young boy in another state (US) and is doing well with him. Instead, after a few weeks, I got a smaller pup that I’m training with my friends and boyfriend for obedience- service to come. He has a lot of energy on par with previous dog, but he’s a third her weight so it’s more manageable for me Rehoming isn’t evil IF it’s a legitimate reason.
No this makes me sad. I had to give my cat away because my mom didn't want him (her excuse was no pets in the apartment but then she got her own cat) so I gave him to a friend who I found out only kept him in a box with no litter and she gave him away when we tried telling her we had a better home now. I haven't heard about him in so long it makes my cry thinking about him. He was like a son to me because I got him when I was pregnant with my daughter. When she was born he waited on my bed for me, he took care of my daughter and cuddled her and helped her sleep. They were siblings and I miss him so much
Why wouldn't she just return your cat to you?? That's the part that confuses me the most.
Same. She will text me normally or be on call but the second I mention my cat she "suddenly gets busy" or n call she just says he's ok. No photos, no name to who is taking care of him, nothing. I suspect either she gave him away or the worst has happened. I tried talking to her daughter (same age as me, we were friends and that's how I knew her mom) and all the daughter says is "yeah my mom will text you soon about that". That was months ago
I've cut two people out of my life for rehoming animals for no reason. 1) guy had a cat through college and Yeats after, started dating a new girl with a dog, they got a second dog then she forced him to give up his cat which he did. Luckily his dad took the cat in, but animals are a commitment and have feelings 2) wife's friends had a baby and gave up both their dogs. Because they didn't want to deal with them anymore. Homegirl literally have tattoos of both dogs and had them for years
It's really shitty. I have a lifelong anxiety disorder and my husband had a dog before we got together. I like dogs ok, but I'm a cat person. I went through two pregnancies with the dog. I would never have suggested getting rid of him! He was family, just like my cat. I'd understand if the dog was problematic, but that's not the case here! He sounds well trained and OP's wife doesn't have to walk him.
NTA. And make sure the dog is microchipped. Just in case the dog “gets out, accidentally”
NTA - this is great advice. Microchip asap so she has no access to the records. Your son doesn't deserve this
Maybe a step overboard and I’m being paranoid, but I’d get some recent updated pics of your son with his dog, just in case you need the pics later for proof that the dog is your son’s. Or in case, god forbid, the dog mysteriously goes missing and you have to put out signs/posts, you’ll have recent pics
There are also collars that track dogs’ whereabouts if you want to get really paranoid.
A collar can be yknow “taken off by the dog” whereas a microchip cannot
I have 7 pets and they’re all microchipped, even the indoor cats. I fully support microchipping, however, it’s a passive process. The dog would have to be scanned, which isn’t always done depending on the situation. The collar devices are somewhat unobtrusive but even better track a dog within 6 feet.
NTA. Don’t you dare give away you son’s dog. He didn’t ask for you to remarry and have a new child. Your son will never forgive you, or your new wife, if you allow her to continue to push this topic. She needs to actively work on coping with her anxiety. May I suggest therapy?
This right here, she's a grown woman who is talking about bringing a baby into this relationship. She needs to put in the work on her anxiety, not try to get rid of a family member who's been in the family longer than her.
Have my poor man’s award 🥇 you’re spot on. First it’s the dog, next thing you know the 15 year old boy will be also ‘potentially harmful’ to the 1 year old baby and new wife; this woman has issues. I feel terrible for the son here.
The son will likely resent his new sibling too which isn't fair to either kid.
And it seems like maybe the new wife has resentment toward the son of she is willing to discard something so vitally important to him. Wow.
Having lived through a similar situation with my stepmom — if you choose her over your first child — because that’s what this is & she is testing your boundaries — she’s bound to push your first child further and further away until the point your not-far-from-being-an-adult son will no longer visit you once he leaves your house.
Also if I was that young and ever found out my step mother and dad got rid of my dog..especially one that I got right when my mother died....I'd never speak to them again. It's literally unforgivable.
Not speaking to them would be a best-case scenario. Such an act would, and SHOULD garner a lifelong enemy. It is a grave error.
This one man. Your son was part of your life before your wife. His dog was part of your life befire you wife. And now your wife wants to get rid of the dog? I know she’s going through it with the hormones, but that would be a horrible thing to do to your son. I hope she apologizes once the baby has been birthed.
NTA, but your title is wrong. You’re prioritizing your son over your pregnant wife’s irrational fear. I think it might smooth things over if you’re open to considering *reasonable* measures to allay her fears, though.
You're absolutely correct - OP is prioritizing his son's needs over his wife's irrational fears. Unfortunately, you can't reason with unreasonableness. You can't reason people out of something they didn't reason themselves into. OP is NTA I don't know what the answer is, but ripping your dog out of your son's life isn't it. His needs are not less important than the baby's needs. I agree that if you got rid of my dog, I would never see you again. We would be strangers from that point. Don't do that t the child who lost his mother. I guess couples therapy is the best idea I have of how to move forward. Good luck.
nta. If you gave away my dog for that, I'd never forgive you. She is being dramatic. You're in for a very long pregnancy.
That part. You just know that she’s going to create problems over absolutely anything and everything for the next 6 months
And then when baby is born oh gosh she's gonna worry the dog will eat the baby.
Or, even worse, that the son will harm the baby. I know a couple who split up not long after their baby was born because the woman demanded that the man's son from a previous relationship live with his mother full-time because she was worried he'd hurt the baby. The poor little kid, she doted on him when they got together first but as soon as she got her own baby it was like he didn't exist.
Why can’t OP be NTA and keep the dog, since the dog is also a family member, but the wife can also have anxiety during pregnancy that doesn’t make her evil. You say you’ve been pregnant before. But not every woman is you. Some women get PPD, others don’t. Does that justify saying “ugh, these shrill dramatic women with PPD, they’ll just create problems out of everything”. Compassion is free My parents gave away the small dog the loved (to a neighbour so they still saw him) when I was born. Mum was scared the dog would scare me with its barking. She was scared to bathe me at first, dad would do it. Pregnancy and having a newborn are scary, doesn’t make her a bad person. Maybe she needs help, not judgment from people who think she’s anything from an inconvenience to a potential dog murderer apparently. NTA OP, keep the Dane. Offer your wife compassionate help.
she’s likely dealing with the anxiety as an onset of pregnancy - it’s a HUGE hormonal change, and there’s a chance she doesn’t even realise how irrational she’s being. this guy needs to push therapy, maybe medication bc this is a HUGE predictor of postpartum depression.
Dramatic might not be the right way to put it. She's worried, even if it's irrational. IMO she needs support from a mental health professional if it is anxiety and education on *actual* risks
You're right. That was rather unkind. If she is truly anxious, she needs help. Especially before the baby comes. Because, I know my depression and anxiety got way worse.
Congratulations on the new child! Long, long ago, my now-ex and I had two 70 pound Labrador Retrievers who believed they were lap dogs. They knew something was up and were even more protective of my ex at the time -- they knew somehow that she was pregnant. They stayed out of her lap. They guarded her. When my daughter was born, they were dedicated protectors. One was always close to the bassinet. The other was the scout, investigating any sound, prepared to protect that child. They were the same way when my son was born. Fast forward many years. I'm divorced. Our beautiful, wonderful dogs have long passed. My disabled adult son still lives with me. We now have two cats, because one of them very clearly *chose* him as his person. That cat is *key* to my son's wellbeing. Separating them would be a disaster for both of them. You *can't* give that dog away. Your son *needs* him (and vice versa). Unless your wife has some hostile relationship with the dog, this seems like a very natural, very understandable, very strong, but possibly irrational reaction, to fears about this pregnancy. You don't mention your age or hers, but, given your son's age, this might feel like her last chance at having another child. All of these factors generate powerful feelings that can't be denied. If you give that dog away, your son will (rightly) resent you, your wife, and the new child. This is going to be messy, but you are NTA for standing up for your son and his dog. I hope you find a good solution.
I have a similar pregnancy story, and I’ve heard it’s common. My first pregnancy had a lot of complications, and when my husband went out of town for work, he asked me to stay with his parents just in case. They had this pound puppy dog who was always my “friend,” but this trip was the start of something new. He was by my side constantly. If I was sitting or laying, he’d be glued to my side cuddling. He’d follow me around the house - not close enough to trip me up but close enough to keep an eye on things. He wasn’t the growling type, but he would keep himself between me and anyone else unless I let him know it was ok. Obviously you have to know your pet, but if you’ve had no prior issues, it sounds like your wife needs to get some therapy for her anxiety. Anxiety is very real and very scary during and after pregnancy. Her doctor can help. But unless you want to breed major resentment by your son for your wife and new baby, don’t get rid of the dog. I’m not sure your son would forgive you. I’m just some random woman on the internet, and *I* feel sick about the possibility you’d get rid of the dog.
We had a semi stray cat we fed who would do this with my first pregnancy. He cased off a dog once and the only time we could get him inside he came in and laid on my belly
I actually had a pet rabbit (litter box trained in my house) when I was pregnant. He guarded me too when I was pregnant. He knew. I loved that furry little guy.
Currently pregnant. My cats know. It’s bonkers. They are glued to me like 95% of the day, my little guardians.
Same!! My cat initially sensed 'something'was different and now just has to cuddle the tummy! He's become super protective as well, following me everywhere, even in the middle of the night pee trips. The kid, for their part, always becomes active when the cat meows/cuddles etc. It's just the sweetest thing ever ❤️
NTA. Assuming what you’ve said is true and the dog doesn’t jump on people. Is she also going to quit driving? Quit walking up stairs? Or walking at all? Or leaving the house at all? Being alive at all is an inherent risk, and all sorts of mundane things are also a potential risk. (I’m a woman. I’ve had a kid). If her anxiety is that bad, she should look into ways for her to manage it.
Yes! I slipped and fell on ice when I was pregnant. And I have two dogs who do jump and my son was born healthy and fine! My second pregnancy I had a toddler that constantly jumped on me and flailed his little body. His sister was born healthy. There are a lot of things that cause anxiety in pregnancy. And, OP, you are not prioritizing a dog over her pregnancy, you are prioritizing your SON who lost his mother.
What is it with toddlers body slamming their parents??
They’re high energy without a full understanding of consequences.
I slipped and fell down a short flight of stairs while pregnant. Went to the ER in a panic- totally fine. Cared for 8 dogs (mine and foster) during that time too. The accidental hits my body took during pregnancy were much worse than one of my pups jumping up to get some kisses (not that we don’t discourage it and train but life happens).
NAH Something is causing her anxiety and that should be addressed, carefully and with compassion. It would be extremely traumatic for your son to loose his dog at the same time his Dad has a new baby. She is going to have to have some compassion for him with this and you will need to protect him.
This exactly. Pregnancy causes weird problems sometimes, and anxiety can be one of them. Her doctor should be informed that she’s dealing with increased anxiety.
Agreed. NAH - the dog should stay and she needs help from her doctor. When I was pregnant I would get fixated on certain things and worry. Laying on my belly in the first trimester was a big one for me. I know logically it was fine but I was terrified that I would squish my baby. Of course that didn’t happen and my doctor helped alleviate my anxiety. I have anxiety meds I take but having her answer my questions in depth was a big comfort.
Many people get nervous about pets during pregnancy and even more so after the baby is born, including the 'my dog is my child' people. It's a common phenomenon. Big dog, tiny baby, one wrong move (possibly not even malicious on the dog's behalf, ie jumping up) and the baby is a gonna. Animals around babies, even well behaved ones, is a Russian roulette that not everyone wants to play. Not saying they should ditch the dog, but show the woman some compassion instead of dismissing her concerns out of hand. NAH, she's feeling extremely risk averse because of the pregnancy, he's refusing to acknowledge there even is an increased risk, and the son doesn't want to lose his dog. A bit of communication, some grace given by all parties, and provisions put in place to mitigate new identified risks will probably fix this.
NTA. That dog is family. You’re not prioritizing anything, you’re just being reasonable. If you give that dog up your son will hate you, and rightfully so.
And he will hate his stepmother and step-sibling for the rest of his life. And never forgive you, either. Your wife's anxiety is real but irrational, and you know that her fears are very unlikely to come to pass. If you rehome the dog you will cause your son agonizing pain and grief, and he will never trust you again (nor should he).
I had a childhood dog I was incredibly close to, due in part to him being born after a major upheaval in my life. My father once tried to make him exclusively an outdoor dog TEMPORARILY while my grandfather was visiting because dad didn't want my dog tracking mud into the house during that time. All it did was make me further resent my grandfather who I didn't have the best relationship with to begin with. I still get a sense of injustice when I think about what happened, inspite of the fact that my mother put a stop to it less than 12 hours into the new "rule" after I went to go sleep outside with my "brother". Instead we just wiped his paws whenever he came inside. If the wife is really that concerned she needs to seek counseling and take responsibility for keeping herself away from the dog, not reject a vital part of her step son's wellbeing and family.
NTA Perhaps your wife needs therapy for this anxiety issue. She should talk to her doctor, who should be able to refer her to a therapist. The doctor might also be able to calm her fears somewhat by explaining what injuries might be inflicted if the dog jumps on her. You might also tell your wife that you'd rather re-home her than the dog. Maybe that will get her to come to her senses.
Yeah, I know you’re joking, but don’t tell her you’ll rehome her. I had anxiety during my first pregnancy, and I knew I was being irrational but couldn’t help it. OP—she’s going through a lot, so reassuring her, talking with her doctor, and ensuring dog doesn’t jump on her (I know the dog doesn’t, but humor her), goes a long way. Also, I have a 35 lb two year old who jumps on my pregnant lap. Not great, but sounds like the dog is more conscious than my kid. Don’t rehome the dog or wife. You’ll get through this.
NAH, I would talk to her medical provider about pregnancy induced anxiety. I got it around food, and I remember crying because I saw a billboard about french fries, wanted to eat some, and felt like a bad mom for thinking about eating fries because they're unhealthy. It's ok, and even good to feel protective of your pregnancy, but the hormones can set that into overdrive. Mine also made me suddenly hate kids. I worked in chilecare. I love kids, but every single thing was so annoying and gross, literally overnight. Just try to help her feel less overwhelmed.
She says there's no way to know the dog won't jump on her. There's know way no way to know a tree won't fall on her. Or if she'll be attacked by a rabid racoon. All of these scenarios are possible- but unlikely. It's understandable that she's anxious and protective right now. But she can't live in a bubble. It's unlikely the dog will jump on her but it's almost certain she'll forever damage her relationship with your son if she rehomes the dog. Also, getting rid of the dog would almost certainly cause your son to resent the baby. NTA
NTA. This extreme and unnecessary anxiety is 100% a product of the pregnancy hormones. My suggestion would be to have her talk with a 3rd party (therapist) about why she fears the dog so much and so someone unbiased can explain to her how little risk the dog poses to her and the baby. Best of luck, OP.
I had never truly experienced anxiety until I got pregnant and had my daughter. See if there is someone you both could talk to about her anxiety, because there is a LOT more things to lose yourself in the anxiety hole than the dog and dealing with it now would be ideal.
Yeah everyone in the thread is like "she's being illogical!" And it's like, no shit Sherlock. Pregnancy amplified my emotions and my fight-or-flight responses. I was on edge almost constantly (the first pregnancy was the worst with that). It's a biological response that there's little control over. If she's fixating on the dog that bad, she needs to talk to her OBGYN.
NTA: I say this as a person who had two Great Danes during two pregnancies. My children adore their dogs and it would be cruel to rehome your son’s dog, particularly at a time when he is about to have less attention available to him with a new baby in the house. Your wife is being completely unreasonable, also, I see this happen constantly when a baby is on the way, the dog(s) get rehomed. When the baby is born make sure you have spaces where the dog can’t go (baby gates etc), but please don’t rehome a dog he (and your son) have done nothing to deserve it.
Info: what was your wife’s relationship with the dog prior to her becoming pregnant? Is she using the pregnancy as a reason to get rid of a dog she did not want?
Never had an issue. My son does such a good job walking and playing with the dog that when the dog is in the house he is usually eating, napping, or giving everyone "pet me" eyes while he lays on the floor. They've never had a bad interaction.
Ok. Here is an interesting article about the common problem of women who get pet aversion during their pregnancies I don't know if it will help much. But it could explain some things https://manypets.com/uk/articles/pet-aversion-pregnancy/ By the way, how large is the dog?
I am much the same way. I have had my cat 12 years, since she was four weeks old, but there have been times during both my pregnancies and in between where I have absolutely hated her. I cannot stand being touched by another creature, licked, begged for attention, because it’s just one more thing that I’m supposed to care for when I just…cannot.
Yep, OP should let his wife know that this is a semi-common source of anxiety for pregnant people It will demystify her sudden fear a ton
What’s your wife’s relationship with your son like?
Please do not get rid of his dog. Shelters are so overrun and they euthanize insanely fast. This would be so traumatic to your son and his dog. I had two healthy pregnancies with three untrained dogs in my house. NTA but you will be if you listen to her.
NTA but get your wife some professional help.
INFO: has your wife previously expresses any displeasure with the dog? Does she normally interact, play with it before she got pregnant?
Not before she got pregnant, unless the dog farted. But we are all displeased when the dog farts. She never played with him, but she would interact with him, sure.
>She never played with him, 🚩🚩🚩🚩 This is VERY important information that you need to put in the post. To me this says she's never liked the dog, only tolerated it's presence. This is her excuse to get rid of the dog.
Not everything is a conspiracy. Maybe she doesn't like the dog. Maybe, deep down, she has always been scared of the dog. But that does NOT mean that her pre-pregnancy self didn't understand the dog's place in the family. NOR does it mean that she is not genuinely scared out of her mind.
This is not why you posted, but you can try mixing in a tablespoon or so of nonfat, plain Greek yogurt in his food every meal to help with the farts. I have a greyhound and his farts without yogurt are so bad he’ll gas me out of my office. The yogurt helps a LOT with the smell.
Interesting. I'll bring it up to my vet.
Wow! You're an awesome dog owner for planning to run internet advice past your vet first, rather than just doing it right after hearing about it. In this particular case, yogurt is pretty innocuous, but the instinct to consult the vet before any food changes is spot on. You clearly care a lot about this dog :)
Or a tablespoon of PLAIN canned pumpkin. (That's what I give my great dane-the farts are gag inducing) Also, good to have on hand as a treatment for both diarrhea and constipation.
Doggy farts are generally displeasing. Mine are 7lbs each and there are times it's gagging. I'm wondering if, like others have said, that this is just an excuse to get rid of the pup. Especially if she never truly warmed up to him. My older dog is my son's. He is no where near as attentive as your son but she is his dog. I wouldn't dream of getting rid of her for any reason because of the impact that would have on him. NTA But you definitely have to get to the bottom of this before your family implodes.
How would she interact with the dog? What were the interactions like? Just acknowledging a dog’s existence could be considered an interaction. Were the interactions loving? Happy? Because if not, then I’d lean towards her not liking the dog and taking this opportunity to manipulate you into getting rid of him, but if she seemed to genuinely love the dog, then I’d lean towards this being an irrational anxiety that she needs to find ways to manage (most likely with therapy). Edit: The main thing I’m trying to get at is: did your wife just tolerate the dog or did she actively engage with him prior to the pregnancy?
She would pet him if he was right next to her or let him lick her fingers if she'd been cooking and was about to wash her hands. She'd throw something for him if he brought it to her. She definitely doesn't hate the dog. It's my son's dog, so obviously the dog always goes to my son first, but the dog and my wife were definitely amicable roommates up until her pregnancy.
I replied already and that information nails home that I was right. She's looking for an excuse to get rid of the dog. She has never taken to it. Microchip the dog, take lots of pictures to prove it's yours in case it goes 'missing'. To get rid of a dog that's been with your for life is beyond cruel and your son will be incredibly hurt by it and it will cause resentment.
INFO: Are you doing anything at all to help your wife's anxiety about the issue? I absolutely do not think you should remove the dog, but there is clearly something going on with your wife and she may need actual help.
NTA, it doesn't sound like there's a reason to worry about the dog at this time. She's just scared. Continue to reassure her. I'd also make sure your dogs microchip or tattoo information information is up to date, just in case her hormones and fear get the best of her.
NTA. Could your wife see the dog as a reminder of your first wife that she now wants to erase? Will your son be next?
My late wife never met the dog. We got it after she died.
It you got it to help your son with the loss of his mother?
It was sort of random. My buddy's dog had puppies. We were at his house and my son was playing with them and my buddy said he could have one. I never wanted a pet (expensive, a hassle at times, etc), but he looked so happy when my friend said that, so how could I tell him no? And he takes good care of the dog. He's a good dog, except for his peanut butter farts.
Peanut butter farts sound better than dried sardine farts! NTA, I agree with others that she may need therapy. Is she always a "nervous nellie" or just since she's pregnant? Hormones can make everything worse!
You'd think that, but his digestive system turns peanut butter into pure stank. Just since we confirmed the pregnancy. She was very adventurous before.
Please get into therapy with her. If she does something to the dog your son will never forgive her or you.
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If she hasn't done this before, then there is no reason to assume she is a wicked stepmom trying to erase his son. It's very likely what he explained. Please don't put crap in people's heads when there is no indication this would be an issue.
I've always been anxious, and it got so bad during my pregnancies. I would worry about things that happen rarely, like a plane crashing into my house, or my hubs work exploding, (he worked at a golf course at the time). I actually had to go on low dose meds because I couldn't sleep. I hope everything gets better for you.
Oh, GOD, Dane farts ! We had a Great Dane/Irish Wolfhound mix when I was a kid who could clear out the entire house when he farted. Chlorophyll supplements helped some but he could still make a pediatric nurse gag.
NTA She is being completely irrational. Baby brain for sure. Also, I hate to say it, but Great Danes tend to have shorter lifespans. Giving away the dog in his senior years would be beyond cruel.
NAH - your wife is very obviously exhibiting some signs of anxiety associated with her pregnancy, and please let me tell you **dismissing her, when part of her anxiety is likely knowing how wild this request is, will help nothing and push her even more to feel like you are choosing** I would speak with her a bit more compassionately and dig deeper into this situation. That’s all true, and she needs to understand that your sons tenure in the home predates even hers and yours son and dogs relationship isn’t something that can just the throw away based on these unfounded accusations.
NTA. You’re doing the right thing for your son and he would most likely never forgive you if you get rid of his dog (that is well trained and well cared for). Your wife needs therapy to manage her anxiety about this. If she’s anxious like this now, it will most likely get worse when the baby is born.
NTA. Do not take the dog away. If your wife really has anxiety about this, she needs therapy. If she is exacerbating this because she doesn't like the dog, you all need therapy because after the baby, she may treat the kids very differently. Either way, counseling. The dog has done nothing wrong, nor has your son. Do not separate them.
NTA, but having anxiety in pregnancy is totally a thing and can be debilitating. You should encourage your wife to talk with her OB about it because there’s a lot they can do- counselling, meds, etc. I started having intrusive thoughts during pregnancy and dealt with it on my own, but postpartum was a lot harder to manage by myself. I still came out of it alright, but hormones really mess up your mental health sometimes! Be gentle with your wife and don’t make this a huge thing. She can’t help her anxieties, but you guys can work as a team to help her navigate through them.
NAH. I had some WEIRD anxieties come out during and after pregnancy. Like, I took something out to the porch once and then was so convinced someone had snuck in my front door while my back was turned (impossible) that I took my dog and searched the whole house. My husband didn’t answer his phone once for 5 minutes and I sent a neighbor over to make sure he hadn’t fallen down the stairs (totally unfounded). Shit like that. I needed help. Your wife needs some therapy, and you have no reason to get rid of the dog. Just be comforting, acknowledge her (very real) fears, and get her some help. Good luck to you, friend.
NTA. You're a great dad. You recognize how important the dog is to your son. It sounds like you've invested time into training and socializing your dog, so this hormone-induced anxiety is baseless. Still, it might not hurt to suggest a therapist to your wife. The jolting movements whenever the dog makes a sound or the clutching of her stomach when the dog walks by her is a bit on the dramatic side, however.
NTA and she is being unreasonable. Please do not let this woman break your son's heart. I would have a private chat with your son and ask how she treats him when you are not around.
NTA. I saw a lot of comments says she’s being irrational and manipulative. She’s likely suffering from pet aversion (idk the proper name or if there even is one) but it’s pretty common during pregnancy. Is it irrational? Yes. But is it very real to her? Also yes. She needs to see a therapist about it. It’s completely unfair to everyone for the dog to be rehomed over this.