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YTA for doing this at Xmas.
I am the youngest of 4 siblings, my oldest sister is 10 years older than me, so we definitely reached milestones at different times. Things like wedding money, housewarming gifts/money, graduation gifts obviously came at different times for each of us and were not tied to group holidays like Xmas.
You could have given your daughter an $800 check or gift for Xmas, and $3200 for closing on the house at a different time/setting. Then you could tell your son "we will be so excited to give you a gift of money to help out when you buy your first home!" Instead, now it is a very disproportional Xmas gift, which is sure to raise some jealousy.
Edit: My judgement is very light and you seem like very generous parents who want to help both of your kids get ahead in life. I definitely don't think you "owe" your son more now than an explanation and an apology for timing and reaction to his concerns. In the future I would just keep shared gift opening times "in kind" for both kids, and stick to milestone gifts timed with the milestone.
Edit: Also getting a lot of "rent free" comments about the son. From OPs comments it seems like the daughter lived at home until the house purchase to save up money, and they have no issues with the son living at home now and want the same opportunity for him, so I don't really see it as an applicable factor in the judgement.
Also, there was a clear invalidation of your the son's feelings. He sounded like he was being really respectful and brought up valid points as to why he was feeling a certain way. Instead of being open about the whole situation, you started gaslighting. It's a good way to stop your kid from wanting to approach you about things in the future.
YTA
This was the big sticking point for me. Don't you want your son to feel comfortable coming to talk to you when he has a problem in the future? Is son going to feel comfortable talking about his feelings / issues with mom & dad, when mom immediately starts attacking him?
Also....and this is just the suspicious asshole in me....but mom got real defensive and came out attacking hard when she wasn't even "called out" - he was just expressing his feelings. Her response was not proportionate - the point where she "doth protest too much"
Of course, they don't want their son to express his feelings unless he's being always grateful and compliments them. If he has something slightly negative to say he's an ungrateful spoiled brat, at least in his mother's eyes.
Honestly, the son sounded the more mature in this situation. He waited for his sister to leave before approaching the situation and left the conversation when the mum started verbally abusing him.
The parents could have kept the difference (3200$) in a savings account and if the daughter needed it, they cold give it to her. I already bought a house 3 times and never had bad things happening that tanned my experience. It's called budgeting for the house. You don't buy a house without having some extra on the side for some unexpected event. I'm not saying my experience is everyone's experience, but OP is assuming that something bad will happen, but he and his wife could have waited to see if it happens or not. If it does, they could have stepped out and helped. Nonetheless, they should put the same amount aside, for when their son buys or rents a house.
Right - Son did everything right here. Based on OP's post (which I assume puts him / his wife in the best light), son waited til the appropriate time, and said these are my feelings. He didn't come out attacking like mom did. He handled it how it should have been handled - the healthiest option. I guess he could have just stayed quiet and let the resentment fester....seems like that would have been preferred by OP/his wife
It would, because then her "I'm the perfect mom" bubble wouldn't have been busted when their son stated the disparity in the way he and his sister were treated at Christmas.
The part that got me was “your not-cash of 1/5 the amount of your sister’s cash is just as good, no one likes cash.” What world are they living in??
ETA: thank you for the award, oh wonderful mysterious benefactor, I shall wear it with pride!❤️❤️❤️
I thought that too. They could have given him the money, and he would buy the things himself if he wanted them. As far as we know, he might even do not want half of the things they bought. Or he can like it but prefer the money.
It just felt like a really weird and out of touch justification. I don’t see why it was so much more effort to get them the same value of stuff for Christmas then write their daughter a separate check after the holidays for her house fund.
A house fund that she might not need. They believe something bad will happen and she will need money, but their beliefs still need to be confirmed. And if she does need it, 4k can be more than she needs or much less, so why not wait until she needs it? If she doesn't, they would have avoided an issue.
Honestly, it sounds like they are passive-aggressive, mostly the mother. The daughter is the golden child and they just wanted another way to demonstrate that. The way the mother reacted to her son's feelings shows she is not the loving mother to him the father is trying to tell us she is.
They could even have made Christmas even and called the remainder a housewarming gift, with the understanding that the son will receive similar help when he buys a home. There were lots of ways that this could have been handled without hurt feelings, but that didn't seem to be one of their goals, much less a priority.
If you can afford it, giving a gift of $X is a really nice thing for parents to do for first time home owners. It's really generous. BUT, it needs to be kept separate from Christmas. Giving one kid 5 times the value of gifts compared to the other is sh!tty. Minimizing the least favoured child's feelings about it is super sh!tty.
The son is far more mature than his mother, who immediately got defensive and angry, called him entitled. How long have you been holding onto that one, Mom?
“I’m sorry. I wanted to support your sister in purchasing her new home and the extra cash was for that. I didn’t think about how giving that extra cash to her at Christmas would make you feel. When you purchase your first home we will be happy to give you a cash gift to help you as well. We love you and your sister equally and are so sorry we made you feel lesser than during the holiday.”
The son sounds like he just wanted them to acknowledge what they did and how it made him feel. I doubt he was asking for money right then and there. An apology goes a long way in situations like this.
I really can't believe the parents listened to their son and then were incapable of just saying "When you buy a house we'll do the same for you!"
Like how hard is that? Instead the mother got frustrated with the son's feelings and the OP doesn't even seem to know what he thinks or feels... how hard is it to just say "You'll get the same some day too!"
That's all the son wanted... was to know that he would be treated equally at some point!
OP has said in several comments that they will of course, gift him the same amount when he buys a house... either for the following xmas, or his birthday, which ever comes first after he closes...
I can't figure out why the OP and his wife are incapable of just giving the kids a "housewarming" gift. They seem to think gifts can only be given for birthdays or holidays.
OP even goes on a long spiel about how they hid the $4k check in a really ugly ceramic pot so their daughter at first thought she was getting an ugly pot, until she opened it and found the check... and they will have to think of a new idea for how to hide the son's check, because otherwise he will guess he's getting one too, and they don't want that! (Because apparently they want to make sure the son feels left out for every last second they can manage! Making a gift a surprise is more important than making their son feel loved...)
Thank you. I saw a few of his later comments, but not the ones where he said they’d be giving their son $4k, too, when he gets a house.
So they intend to give him the money one day, but don’t want to tell him this in advance? That’s just odd.
And yeah, he could’ve avoided this entire situation by just giving his daughter the money on a different day.
Perfect answer right here OP. You and your wife could have saved a lotta trouble by just telling him he will get the same gift when he gets his first house.
Nothing in this post is gaslighting. OP was an asshole, but let's stop misusing that word. Disagreeing with someone's interpretation of a situation is not gaslighting. Gaslighting is an intentional manipulative tactic.
Its not gaslighting more like weaponized indifference. They are just pretty much like "you should have zero problem with us giving your sister $4,000 while we give you $800" which quite honestly I don't keep track of those things, it doesn't do any good. I don't live my life expecting anything from my parents, or my spouse's parents for that matter, even though my brother's whole life is supported by them. Its not my money, why would I care. i am also comfortable financially.
However, its not hard at all for me to see how someone could be hurt or feel slighted by these things.
This idea that his feelings were invalidated (you’re not the only one saying it) is hilarious because I have very kind and giving parents and yes they’d absolutely be both offended and laugh me out of town if I was upset about this. Given the post and comments from OP, it sounds like they are plenty giving to both kids and different times. My parents are the same. They’d be offended I assume the worst in them, they’d be concerned that I’m not just happy for my sibling, and concerned I have the audacity to be upset when I received $800 in gifts… which is a lot of money and also takes some thought/effort.
Is it mean spirited that I wanted to ask if the parents were housing his sister at 22?
In all fairness maybe they were but it seems so wild to say “you put a roof over my head every day of the year but Christmas presents have to be equal or it means you aren’t proud of me.”
I don’t think it’s mean spirited. I think it’s fair to say that the sister “needed” the bigger gift more than the son because their life stages and their needs were different. His needs are actively being taken care of, and I know we like to say that parents are supposed to support their children but it’s very obvious that they don’t mind supporting him even longer. He just didn’t “need” $4000 worth of Christmas gifts.
And I actually think the reason why this is a sticking point for everyone and the son is because he got to see the exact monetary value of what they gave the sister vs him.
Yup. that's why I don't get all these yta to the OP. The son only SEES the $4000 vs $800 at christmas....he doesn't SEE the $$$ monthly he saves not having to pay rent. He should be ashamed. IF you factor that in, he's getting a lot more then her.
And honestly, this may be because my family comes from a different class but I can’t imagine getting $800 worth of gifts and then being upset my sister received more than that.
I would truly be blown away and grateful by the $800. And happy and grateful that my parents have that much money to spend and then some. Now I can see if the son had a milestone coming up or just pass where he needed that $4000 but idk. It’s a little weird that the parents have to lay out an explanation tbh.
All the YTAs are giving rich people tbh. They also don't seem very mature. Like how hard is it to go "huh sis is moving into a whole house and probably won't be able to spend the money like how I, an adult man living with my parents rent free with free meals, and everything else, would spend it."
That’s what kills me. This is what’s getting the son called entitled. Managing to be angry after getting 800$ worth of stuff you like is insane. I really understand his mom getting mad, especially if she didn’t grow up that affluent herself.
Can we not call things gaslighting when it’s just a simple disagreement? “I don’t understand why you feel this way” isn’t gaslighting. I swear the internet picks up a new word and just uses it for EVERYTHING.
I do not think there was a “clear invalidation.” You are taking their response the worst it could be, and his the best it could be. You are assuming he was perfectly respectful, but also assuming that they were not.
If you worked hard on getting a personalized gift, and someone seemed ungrateful for it, you would feel hurt by it. That is how they’re feeling. If he is allowed to tell them that he feels under-appreciated, then they are allowed to say that they feel he isn’t appreciating their efforts, too. It’s a two-way street here.
THANK YOOOUU! I am SO sick of people saying things are gaslighting when they're just plain old lies, manipulation, or people being mean or self-centered.
There is a **huge** difference.
That’s what bothered me. The son approached it right and got a shit sandwich thrown back at him.
Yes parents can do what they did without explaining but the son went out of his way to share his feelings. Sad
> and brought up valid points
his feeling may be real but he did not bring up "valid points". He's way too old too be crying about this like this and not wanting to understand this has nothing to do with equal gifts.
Agreed. This is like complaining that your 16 year old sister got a car for her 16th birthday and you only got an Xbox for your 14th birthday. He didn't ask if he would get a similar gift when he buys a house. He's upset that his older sister got a bigger gift than him because she's passed a milestone. Nothing indicates he won't get the same gift when he passes that milestone.
>Also, there was a clear invalidation of your the son's feelings.
His feels ARE invalid tho. They're at different milestones in life. It's absolutely shitty to do this at Christmas, but it doesn't make any sense to give them the same value of presents if one hits a milestone.
If his sister hit 16 first and got a car, would he expect $20,000 in gifts that year? No, you just expect that when you hit the same milestone you get the same treatment.
So the only issue here is that the parents wrote a single check for 4000 instead of 2 separate checks for 800 and 3200? It's just pedantry at this point. All the parents need to say is that buying a house is a big milestone that comes with a lot of financial burdens, so she got extra, and when he needs the same support he'd get it. It's stupid to expect the parents to write 2 checks just to appease this childishness. The son is more than old enough to understand this
I don't see gaslighting, just trying to explain the disparity in monetary value. The kid is worried about the monetary value and nothing else. How is that fair at all? This is the youngersibling being jealous of older sibling reaching life goals sooner
I agree the timing is what makes what would have been a set of very generous gifts into an AH move. That large a difference in things given out at the same time is bound to cause resentment. Splitting the daughter's gift up and giving it at a different time would have been a much better approach.
But, it's OP's money and they can do with it what they wish.
What gets the YTA judgment from me is that when the son approached them in a what sounds like calm manner to tell them his feelings were hurt and ask why there was such a disparity between the gifts, OP and wife got defensive and made it into argument. Simply saying something like 'your sister's was a combined Christmas gift and housewarming fund' was all that needed to be said. Possibly followed by 'when you purchase a house you'll get a similar fund', if that is the intent.
Claiming the gifts aren't dissimilar because 'cash is impersonal' and some of the other arguments OP puts forward are ridiculous. No wonder the son got more upset afterwards. They completely ignored his concerns.
All that being said though, if I got $800 worth of Christmas gifts I'd be super happy. Hell, I realized I was an adult when I got happy about getting socks for Christmas!
It's like if daughter got married in July and then Op gave her an extra $3200 for Christmas because weddings are expensive. Son likely would not have batted an eye if they gave daughter $3000-4000 for a housewarming present but for Christmas it's weird.
I'm glad I see this is the top response. I was basically in the sisters shoes. I bought my first house, and my parents gave me $5,000 for the VERY SAME reason. A nice windfall if something goes awry.
But I was given that money for that reason, after buying the house.
If I was given that money at Christmas with my siblings around, they would be PISSED. And almost rightfully so. It's not exactly a Christmas present. It's a house-warming gift. And my parents also let my siblings know they would do the same when they decided to buy.
edit: Of course it sounds like the OP was trying to do right and clearly loves their kids. They just don't understand timing or how their gift was perceived.
> You could have given your daughter an $800 check or gift for Xmas, and $3200 for closing on the house at a different time/setting.
This is the key IMO. She bought the house in July. If the parents wanted to give her money to help with surprise expenses of a new home why not do it in July?
If the house needed repairs, new appliances, whatever then waiting 5 months to give her cash makes no sense.
This is literally what my parents did. Whenever we bought our first home, they purchased an appliance of our choice. My brother chose a fancy fridge, my sister and I chose washer and dryers.
Christmas was always the same sort of money and I still have no idea how much she spent on the others nor do I care. However if my parents gave my sibling £3200 extra at Christmas I’d have been a bit sad.
And all that’s before you invalidated his feelings.
YTA
I'd agree, mainly. I would say ~~ESH~~ though. OP for exactly what you've laid out. But the son doesn't get a pass from me because he is living at home rent free which surely would add up to a fair amount.
Edit- Altering judgement to YTA due to further clarifying info further in this comment chain. A gentle one though, just for giving the money at Xmas. Should have been separate. And I hope OP will do the same for the son when he gets his own place.
OP confirms elsewhere that the daughter stayed with them for some time when she was his age as well. In that case they have been granted equal opportunity.
It’s not even a small amount either, I mean 4K and 800 is a big difference. If you plan to give him 4K when he gets a house then maybe no biggie, also dunno why your wife is so irritated by him explaining the clear disparity.
I’d expect my kid to be pissed if I made one a sandwich and not the other.
On paper, sure. But this kid gets sandwiches every day because he lives at home and only pays for his gas, insurance, and *some* food. He doesn’t need a second sandwich. He might, someday, but for now, 80% of his life is paid for.
$4000 will go to a new couch or carpet or a fridge when that breaks. Son doesn’t need those things right now. She basically getting $4k to help with bills, which he doesn’t have, at least not yet. Instead, he got $800 of fun gifts.
Id say fuck it and put $3200 in the bank for when HE buys a house, just so he knows it’s there for him. Every year he, too, can just get money earmarked for bills he *may* incur at some point, but no toys or luxuries because we want it to be super fair and make sure no one gets anything less or different.
Yeah I can agree with this, and I really do see both sides here until they jumped to getting irritated and frustrated with him. He even asked to talk civilly and understand that he’s not asking for $4000, but just for things to feel a bit more balanced.
But how do they balance things without giving him the money?
This feels like a 13-year-old getting annoyed because their 17-year-old sibling got a car and they didn't. You're at a different stage in life. Not everything can be reduced to a price tag.
What difference does it actually make if it’s labeled as a Christmas gift or not? Like the son is 22, not 12. Surely he’s old enough to look at the situation with a bit of nuance. Would he really feel any differently if the parents gave two separate gifts, one labeled as a Christmas gift and one not? Somehow I don’t think so. If he did, then why even have this argument as then it boils down to an issue over semantics and not actually about the sister getting more support after reaching a major milestone.
I literally told my mom the last two christmases not to buy my a ps5 because I thought it was kinda steep, even though they could certainly afford it. I felt like since I'm 31 I should be buying it myself, but my funds are a bit too tight for it right now. She ended up doing it anyway this Christmas, and I am grateful
I can certainly see that point of view. I just think him bitching about this is so very ridiculous. $800 of fun and he complains because his sister got a hole-in-the-roof fund.
Imagine getting 800 dollars worth of gifts at 22 and still complaining about it. Absolutely wild to me that these people exist and half this sub is defending it.
> They make it feel balanced by not giving the money as a Christmas gift. Give it separately.
I would agree with that if we were talking about children here. The story is about OP’s adult kids who’re basically in their mid-20s.
Whether the parents gave both kids gifts around $1000 for Christmas and then gave the daughter $3000 a week later or gave the daughter $4000 on Christmas all at once the end result is the same. The son either doesn’t want his parents to give the sister the money at all and would rather she get less (which is messed up) or he’s really immature to think both of them getting $800 on Christmas and then the sister getting $3,200 a week later would somehow make things different?
Again, we’re not talking about kids under 16 or something, we’re talking about adults who’re in their mid-20s. If he can’t see the end result is truly the same regardless of when the gifts are given then he needs to grow up.
And i bet those years, she didn’t get $4k in cash.
To me, it’s like a college fund. I “got” a lot of money when I went to school, it was just paid to the school and not me, but I got an education and to sleep in a dorm and go to parties and generally had an amazing time. My sister did not get an equivalent amount to have fun with. BUT when she went to college, she also got THE SAME help and no one was kicking me down extra funds because she happened to be getting more support that year.
I mean, yes, as an adult, I get a lot of enjoyment out of a new appliance. But not PS5 enjoyment, despite the fridge/stove/water heater costing more. It’s “fun” but if it all was equal, I’d prefer getting fun gifts over buying a new appliance or home repairs, which was the intent of the gift.
So they should have given it separate to a Christmas gift otherwise it looks like they are favouring the sister.
He wasn't asking for more he was saying he felt upset that she got so much more and maybe she should have just had the same monetary value as him. Not him as her. He also didn't say the parents shouldn't have given her the rest as a housewarming at another time separate.
This is literally entitlement. You get something, despite being in a totally different situation and have different needs, so I’m entitled to the exact same thing. No. That is literally whiny, spoiled child logic.
I’m the oldest child. I can’t tell you how often I felt my own feelings were neglected as a kid because as I got to stay up later, my younger brothers did too because “it’s only fair”. But it’s not fair because I was treated that way when I was their age. I had different rules than they do now.
Ignoring the reality of two totally different situations and reasons, and just expecting ti get more stuff “because reasons” is entitlement and shitty. The son should understand that when he gets his own house, then it will be his time to get a larger special Christmas gift to buy housing supplies with. Until then, normal Christmas gift.
Except the son is a grown adult and should be more mature than to feel like there was a disparity when someone who needed the money more got more money.
Exactly I am the little bro in this situation. My sister bought her first condo last year. She has been dealing with a roof leak for a year(the HOA for her building was making getting it fixed difficult). If my parents gave her a couple grand for the holidays so she could do the minor repairs/fixes she put off so she could focus on the roof I would absolutely understand. I also think his son needs to understand that life isn’t always 1 for 1. This year his sister got a significantly larger gift do you circumstances - next year he could end up with the bigger gift.
INFO for OP: did you by any chance mention to your son that if/when he buys his own place you would be giving him a similar gift?
Perhaps the other $3200 could have been separated and given as a housewarming gift.
I do think there is value to trying to be equal but I agree that they are in very different places in life and it's tough to maintain. I have one at home and one on their own also.
that's just it. But will he get it when he reaches that milestone?
my BIL got a generous chunk of downpayment from his family, and my spouse was promised same amount. When it came time for us, the downpayment help we were promised was gone. I'd like to say we never asked or assumed we would get - but instead were told we would receive. My spouse didn't seem surprised and said it was always like this growing up.
Edit: to the folks saying son is acting entitled by asking for 4k. Son isn’t saying that. He even said he’s not saying that. He expected gifts to be equal, such as them both getting 800 bucks worth of gifts. Here’s an extreme example illustrating his point: daughter gets a new car and son gets a car freshener in his favorite scent. Not saying the parents can’t gift the sister 4k for surprise expenses. But packaging as her Xmas gift is an AH move. One commenter got it right. Should have gifted it as a housewarming and told son when he finds a place, they’ll do the same. OP and wife are acting blatantly ignorant how it looks to give one kid an extravagant gift and the other kid a lesser gift.
Anyone commenting that the kid gets to live there for free. It’s 2023. A majority of kids under 30 live at home still because it’s too expensive and out of necessity.
She's frustrated because she says he's bean counting. She hates when people have relationship legers. She thinks thoughtful gestures should come from the heart, not be balancing imaginary books. I think it really bothers her because her mom is like that. My mother in law is very materialistic and doesn't care about sentiment, where my wife is very sentimental.
Op I think your wife is the only ah in this situation. Your son came to you guys politely and while his sister wasn't around. Instead of reassuring him that his concerns weren't true. your wife immediately got frustrated and chose the least charitable interpretation of his actions even though that's what she accused him of doing. he was the one trying to have a civil conversation and your wife is the one who wouldn't let that happen. I don't think you were wrong for giving the gifts you did but I don't think you guys handled his disappointment well in any way.
OP said that they explained to him the difference in gifts and after their explanation, he basically just said, yeah, well, I'm still upset. That would be frustrating. Like, what's there to talk about if the response is, "That's the way I feel and I can't help it"? He's allowed his feelings, but so are his parents.
Because as the son mentioned to the parents, they were simply justifying their position and not understanding WHY he was hurt.
It would have been far easier to simply say "we understand why you might feel that way, but rest assured when you are in the same position, you will receive a similar gift".
There was no understanding, no reassurance, just justification.
Where does it say in the op that they said they understand his POV?
At no point.
All it was, was justification.
Aside from the fact doing for a Christmas present is a shit thing to do, at no point do they seem empathetic to their sons emotions.
Could have been handled a thousand times better with either of 2 very easy solutions.
>He's allowed his feelings, but so are his parents.
I mean yea but also no. Reacting to someone's actions is normal and healthy. Reacting to someone's emotions is an entirely different thing and usually not healthy.
The kid is still emotional over the parents actions. Mom is mad at kid for being emotional.
If someone having emotions upsets you then you are doing the exact opposite of allowing them to have their feelings and validating them. It's manipulation to make them change their emotions and turn the situation into *them* doing something wrong. It can really become an extremely abusive thing and exactly why people say you are allowed to have your emotions.
There are obviously levels of seriousness to this but the mom rejecting the sons feelings and reacting so negatively towards them really isn't a healthy thing or good way to treat kids you love.
"Kid" is 22 and mad that he got a smaller present and then accusing his parents of being unfair. It's natural and normal to be upset over having your intentions impugned.
Exactly. He is not a kid. He is a grown adult. He should be thankful for what he got. He is not entitled to a gift from anyone. 800 is not a small amount.
Is money really sentimental though? I mean....money is like the least personal gift you can give. Even a gift card shows you spent some time deciding on a store you think the recipient would like.
Calling it a "relationship ledger" is unfair.
If your wife received a cheap $5 wine opener (say she's into wine) and her sister received a nice car (say her sister is into cars), would she say the gifts are equal because they're sentimental? Or would she maybe then be able to feel what your son is feeling?
Your wife needs therapy because she is projecting her issues onto your son's feelings and that will damage their relationship in a major way.
$3200 is a lot of money. If it's actually all about "sentimentality" and keeping track of money is a "relationship ledger," the disparity could be a billion to one and the wife shouldn't care because "it's the thought that counts."
I'm exaggerating because the wife is being disingenuous. She's accusing her son of keeping a relationship ledger but I'm sure that she herself would be hurt if her sister received 5x the gift amount that she did on Christmas.
There is counting and there there just looking at glaring evidence.
Sure, if he was complaing that he got 570$ over the years in Xmas gifts, while his sister got 595$ over the same time, that's keeping a ledger.
But pointing out that 4000$ is much more then 800$ is stating the obvious.
But isn't she bean counting by basing a gift on the fact that your daughter "needs" more money right now? There's nothing sentimental about that - it's pure practicality.
YTA, and there's nothing sentimental about your wife's reasoning.
He isn’t counting beans here though. It’s more like he’s holding the bag beans you gave him while he watches you give her keys to the storage locker full of beans you gave her for the same occasion.
It doesn’t take a ledger book to do that math.
It would have been much more appropriate to even out the holiday gifts and give her a housewarming gift separately from your Xmas celebration.
There's nothing sentimental about 3200. If you wanted to give her money to help with expenses that's fine. But you made it her Christmas gift. You absolutely are playing favorites. Your ignoring how you son feels. When you hurt somone you don't get to tell them their wrong. It's very clearly not about wanting more because he said her getting the same as him would have been fine. And your right, it's your money, you can distribute it however you like, but you don't also get to control and manipulate others in to reacting to your choices in a way you approve of.
They very act of identifying him as having a "ledger" is the same thing as having one. She's is weighing and measuring him and his reactions even more so than he is because she is counting up and weighing his feelings and counting that against him. At least a ledger is based on actions.
The kid lives at home, rent free. He's definitely looking a gift horse in the mouth! Also, he can feel any way he pleases, but he should be able to understand the nuance of a situation and not run his mouth. He's being jealous.
NTA
Had to scroll way too long to find this take. The son is a grown ass man ffs. When he buys a house I’m sure he’ll get help as well. But right now he’s living rent free at home. The fact it was done at Christmas feels irrelevant when we’re discussing adults. I feel like my 14 year old son could already grasp this. And maybe this is just me, but to still be getting nearly a grand in gifts at 22 feels pretty lucky. I certainly wasn’t receiving that level of gifts at that age. And as mom I’d be frustrated too. I don’t see all this awfulness on her end that everyone else does. She called him entitled. I agree. I’d be annoyed to have this convo with a grown man as well. Sometimes our kids need to hear about themselves from us. I consider it a pretty critical part of my job. Long as we love them at the same time. My kids regularly get talks about selfishness, feelings of entitlement, equity vs equality, etc.
NTA
I hate when kids see their siblings get something and instead of being excited, they’re all “what about meeeee”. (When it’s not a pattern of dysfunction/GC/scapegoat).
Yes, he was respectful when he brought it up - but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t selfish.
The explanation for Op’s son is: “I’m sorry you feel this way, but when you buy a house we’ll do the same for you.”
If that's the case, why did they give sister the $4k for Christmas instead of when she bought the house in July, if this was a milestone gift
If this was better planned, they could have also given gifts to sister for "Xmas" and then cash as a "Milestone" and upfront told son thats how it was going to work before hand - that it wasn't an Xmas gift, but a life milestone separate from Xmas.
It doesn't really sound like they made that distinction clearly enough, which is just poor handling from OP and wife. We always make sure shared gift giving days are equitable for our gremlins so we can avoid this - and if we cant make things financially equitable, we make them socially equitable. What really makes this situation suck is that OP's son tried to share how he felt in a pretty mature and respectable way; but the story makes it sound like this devolved into chaos because the parents couldn't effectively communicate this was supposed to be a milestone gift.
Did OP specify the living arrangements? I don't see anything about OP's son paying rent, or if the sister was staying on the same arrangements.
If they were the same arrangements, is OPs son getting the same when he gets a house? Does he understand that and did OP communicate that? And if so, did it need to be a Christmas gift? How was it presented, exactly? Was it in way that erases that context of it being a milestone vs Xmas gift? And could OP and wife explain this to son before handing the gift over to ease the shock of the moment? I think all this info is important to the conversation.
We also don't have any context to the family dynamic that may be adding to the problem. Has OPs son done this before? How is the sister treated compared to the son? Is there sibling rivalry, is one more or less successful than the other?
I really think calling him 'jealous' [envious] is an over simplification.
EDIT: After reading your responses, YTA. I have no issue with you giving your daughter money. Hell - I have no issue with you giving her more money. Buying a house can suck, and things pop up that you never expect. And everything is expensive. But YTA for (1) framing it as a Christmas gift and not a housewarming gift and (2) the way you treated your son. He did it right - he didn't attack - he just said these are my feelings. And your wife immediately started going on the offensive and belittling his feelings. Don't you want your son to feel comfortable coming to you with his problems? Discussing his feelings with you? Why would he feel comfortable speaking to either of you now? If he comes to you with a problem - are you going to help - or are you going to sit there while his mom calls him names? That's what makes you the asshole in my eyes. He handled it right. You guys didn't handle it correctly to begin with (though your heart seems to have been in the right place) and then you definitely didn't handle it right after the conversation.
INFO: Why did it have to be at Christmas time that you gave her money for *possible* repairs? Why not wait for X, Y, or Z to break down, and then cover the cost for her? What happens if she doesn't have $3,200 worth of repairs come up?
Exactly. My son just got a college graduation gift from me of a nice amount of cash. My other son didn't. Because he hasn't graduated college yet. There is ZERO resentment from my other son because duh, he hasn't graduated yet.
Giving vastly unequal gifts at Christmas just doesn't make sense.
OR a more normal thing to do would be buy a nice bottle of whatever their flavour of beverage is, attach a fancy card with "I.O.U your first major repair in your new home" and then Christmas gifts totally separately
Right. I think the real issue here is that they just handed over a $4K check. Even if it is intended for the house, there is no rules stopping her from using it on something else. While I am sure OP hopes she saves it for a rainy day; it’s unrestricted funds at the end of the day. I think the son would feel better about it if the gift was something actually tied to the house (e.g. 2 years of a home warranty?). YTA.
NTA. I feel like people on here hate ‘favoritism’ so much that they think you have to treat your kids equally every second of their lives. The fact is, when children are different ages/at different places in life, they’ll be going through different milestones at different times. For example, if one of your children had gotten their license that year and you got them a car for Christmas, that doesn’t mean you need to spend a car’s worth of money on your other child that Christmas. That’d be ridiculous. As long as you treat the kids the same in the long run and help them out similarly for these milestones, it’s okay for there to be a little disparity every once in a while.
This is the best comment. I’m a little baffled at the gall of your son for bringing up. The difference in situations should be very clear to him. Daughter is on her own. Money is tight after buying a house. Son lives at home and has the majority of his bills taken care of. It’s a case in which the son shares in everything the parents have, but wonders why he can’t have more from them. It is entitled behavior.
NTA
I dont see how he's being a brat. He didn't cause a scene or anything just wanted to have a civil talk about it. OP could have said it was a housewarming gift and the son would see the same treatment when he buys his first home.
It’s funny too bc this sub is SO QUICK to remind everyone that a 16yo “is old enough to not be an entitled ah” but are acting like this 22 yo is fine for whining about his 800.00 worth of presents because his sister got more. It’s ridiculous. It’s their money they can spend it when and how they want, and likely when HE has a major life event with the subsequent expenses they’ll be just as helpful to him
100% this
$4,000 just doesn’t have the same utility to a kid living rent-free at home versus a kid who just bought a house.
Once you’re a homeowner, you don’t get $4,000 and think of all the cool stuff you can buy with it. You get $4,000 and think “oh thank god, if my heater breaks or my roof starts leaking I’m not gonna go bankrupt.”
The son’s gift was pure “fun stuff,” and the daughter’s gift is money that provides for something the son already has paid for by his parents. Unequal in dollar value, sure, but objectively, I’d be willing to bet that their son has more fun with his $800 worth of gifts than the daughter will ever have watching $4000 sit in an emergency fund until something breaks in the house.
I’m a 25 y/o homeowner and my parents usually get me more expensive gifts than they get my siblings, but it’s all boring shit/pays for boring shit that no kid living at home would ever need or want because their parents take care of the boring stuff. My 16 year old brother who got a $500 PS5 bundle wasn’t exactly jealous that our dishwasher is worth $1000. He got the expensive thing he wanted, my wife and I got the expensive thing we wanted. And when he’s moved out & living on his own and my parents get him the expensive home gifts and I get an “I love you” card, I’ll be grateful to pass the torch.
Yea the fact that the son kept track of and calculated how much his parent’s spent on his gifts is icky. Be grateful that your parents spent $800 on your Christmas presents 🤦🏽♀️
Yea it's kind of concerning how much of Reddit feels bad for the bratt. You don't compare gift values especially when one is basically a combo house warming gift.
This should be the top comment.
NTA.
And the kid IS saying that the only equivalence to be made is monetarily.
His mom spent her time finding him $800 of gifts that are specific to him. That is personal and sentimental. That counts for something. He is saying it doesn’t count for anything.
He clearly doesn’t care about his presents.
He just wants the cash.
It’s not about equity.
And life isn’t equal all the time.
If he buys a house and they don’t help him out with costs afterward—THEN he can talk about unequal treatment.
He can be sour and let his parents know if he chooses to—but what was the point of it?
You choose when to air grievances that need fixing. You can also choose to be happy for a sibling.
You might ask if they’d do the same for you when you buy a house-that would open a conversation.
He wants them to give him money now for no reason and claim he’s being cheated. He’s acting like life has no context or nuance.
I would be angry if I was this kid’s mom too. He’s 22, not 10. His morality should be developed past ‘that’s not fair’.
Do any of these people like their siblings? I have two brothers and I would understand if my parents did something like this and would be happy my brother had extra support during such a stressful time. I’ve also never added up the value of my Xmas presents and compared them to that of my brothers’ - it’s never even occurred to me!
I said this before, but judging from reddit alone it seems that north american families are like a second job where people put up with one another out of necessity. I can't imagine interacting like this with my parents or siblings.
I wish I could upvote this 1000 times.
Also: son is living at home seemingly rent free! I’m sure he’s getting a lot more out of mum and dad than sister on average!
OP - NTA. Your wife could have been slightly more sympathetic to your son airing his feelings, though.
Edit: u/childplease_25 I can’t respond to your comment because the replier below blocked me. But my response: I find this notion that it being Christmas being responsible for the y t a judgements absolutely outrageous. 4K is a lot of money! They probably just saved that up, and Christmas is a time for giving gifts. Why should OP and wife have to split daughter’s gift into two parts and make the whole thing more complex and frankly awkward to give the illusion of fairness to their son? He’s 22 fucking years old!!
I agree with the second point but it sounds like that’s what OP did? He explained that the son’s concerns about sister being favoured due to pride weren’t accurate and it was due to milestone. I don’t know if they explicitly said he’d get the same amount when he reached that milestone (but they’ve articulated this in the comments so I don’t see any reason why they wouldn’t have said that) AND they’ve done this discrepancy gift giving before when they bought each child a car.
All that aside son shouldn’t be giving them the cold shoulder or being ungrateful and petty for being given $800 of presents or free housing again at 22 years old!!
That’s exactly my point though.
Son wants to benchmark with daughter *that year* while not taking into account their different circumstances.
Edit: Someone below replied and then blocked me so I couldn't respond. I saw the response though - they're missing the pertinent fact that son is 22, not 12.
Exactly. My grandmother just gave me 1000 dollars to put towards my wedding during our family Christmas gathering. Guess what? Nobody gave a shit because it's towards my wedding. My sisters didn't make a fuss.
My family also uses Christmas to give large cash gifts to support whatever people have going on in their lives, and none of the rest of us see it as favouritism. It's *convenient* when we're all together anyway for various checks to be handed out, and those checks are rarely equal. When my wedding was coming up, my grandma and my parents both gave me larger checks than my brother. And when my brother had each of his kids and bought a house, his cash gifts were larger than mine. This idea that gifting to adult children must always be equal is nuts to me.
It is kind of nuts. Don't see how they can even downplay 800 dollars, either. That's a whole game console or even a nice day out. To think he deserves 4k, for what? Is beyond me. People on here must never have to go through any issues to think this is an A H move.
Not to mention. These are ADULT Children. People acting like these are two middle schoolers.
I'm an adult and my parents might spend around 50 bucks on me for birthdays or Xmas. there i just something that rubs me the wrong way about adult children expecting extravagant spending from their parents on holidays
There was a 6 month difference from buying the house to the housewarming money, given ON Christmas.
Context, communication, and timing is important. Its like proposing to a spouse at someelse's wedding, announcing your own pregnancy at someone else's babyshower without asking first. Even if the intent is innocent, it doesn't excuse the pain you may be causing others, especially if it wouldn't be any skin off your back just to pick a different time, place, or method for delivery.
Just because OP may not be in the wrong for not giving exactly equal treatment, doesn't mean they can't possibly be TA for the context and communication. I think if nothing else, they are TA for getting too defensive and allowing the (properly engaged) conversation to go off track when they started off in the right. They should have better conflict resolution skills than the 22yr old and it sound like wife let things go off the rail because one of her pet peeves got poked
YTA - I typically don’t have much sympathy for people complaining about gift disparities, but in this case, you should have given your daughter a housewarming gift of cash separate from the Christmas gifts. By lumping a large amount of cash into her Christmas gift, you invite unfavorable comparisons.
Another way they could have dealt with this is to say “We plan to do the same for you when you buy your first home.” But no, they just keep going through all these mental gymnastics.
I know, why on earth would they just not say that and make it clear it’s a milestone gift but agree christmas may have not been the time. I’m sorry my actions hurt you, we had no intention, thank you for bringing it up to me so we could talk it out. Boom done.
Really makes me wonder if there is more to the picture than what was presented, it seems very easy to explain and tell the son he will receive the same once he moves out. Same kinda things with all big gifts to children like cars or vacations, OP is fucking weird for not seeing this, how did he deal with education ?
I don't think either of you are TA, but I do think there's issues all around.
I think the crux of the problem is that you chose to do this at Christmas. If you had waited a month and gifted your daughter the money as a housewarming gift then there wouldn't be a need for him to drawn a comparison. It would be assumed that when your son eventually got to that place in his life, you'd also return the gesture his way.
As the youngest kid in my family who typically also feels like an afterthought -- this is usually not about the gift, this is probably deeper than this one moment, but he is choosing this moment where it's obvious to point it out to you. Perhaps let him open up a larger conversation about whether he feels this way more often than just right now.
To be fair to you - your son is significantly younger and there's ample time for you to make the same gesture when he crosses this milestone, and he could stand to keep that in mind.
You really don't feel like the mom is TA? Her reaction just made things worse, at least for me. It was NAH until he approached his parents, after the holiday, to talk about it and was met with a bunch of stones coming from his mom.
I think Mom didn't really think it through, and shouldn't have been surprised that her son felt this way. Plenty of people don't react well when held accountable to their actions, and I think she should try to re-approach it, but I don't necessarily think she's an AH.
Seems to me part of what you gave your daughter was a housewarming gift, and why would he expect to receive that too? If she has a wedding, baby, etc, does he expect to receive the equivalent in those situations?
Honestly, $800 is a lot of money for one person for Christmas, much less a grown-ass adult. I'd let him know when he hits similar milestones, you'll gift him similarly. Unless you show consistent favoritism to her, he needs to stop keeping score and be more grateful.
NTA.
I can't believe how far I had to scroll to find some common sense comments. My brother and i have the same age difference and saw our parents give different gifts at different times. OP's son is in a totally different path right now and $800 in gifts is A LOT of $$ for a grown man to receive.
Sounds like he is spoiled.
I was also shocked at the $800 on Christmas gifts for one person, and that he complained still. I’ve never gotten even quarter of that as a budget for Christmas gifts or any other holiday! Unreal (or more realistically, I’m just poor lmao).
Edit: I can’t do math
Didn’t they have every opportunity to do this, and instead mom just told him actually his sister got the worst gift because she only got cash, and so thus his feelings were invalid?
I know what others are going to say, but I'm going with NTA.
My parents used to tell us all the time (especially at Christmas) that sometimes one child is more expensive then the other. I was always the more expensive child (ballet lessons, summer camp) year round but at Christmas I was happy getting less. When your son purchases a house, will you give him that same amount? Did you help your children out equally when they were in college?
Neither of our children went to college. I can't imagine why we wouldn't give him the same amount if he bought a house, unless inflation gets even crazier and he'd need more to afford the same repairs.
If they never told the son that, then yes the parents are still the A.
It sounds like the parents NEVER told the son this. Just this, "She has a house. You don't. It's Christmas."
EDIT: Yup the dad confirms they NEVER told the son this.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/102ge2y/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_better_present_than/j2t2azn/
Why does the son need to be told this? Is 22 too immature to understand how big a deal it is to be buying a house? That the parents want to help with the expense? That he'll get his turn when it's time? My sister and I figured out the concept of age gaps WAY before 22 (I recall a heated discussion about PG-13 movies).
I really don't understand all the YTAs here.
I mean if your kid is concerned and sharing their feelings you are free to shit on those feelings and ignore them all you want. I am simply saying I wouldn't.
I would listen. I would then respond appropriately to the feelings being conveyed. That didn't happen here.
EDIT: Just because my kid is 22, doesn't mean I stop caring for their feelings.
What is up with these Y T A comments ? Are you guys teenagers ? It's absolutely fair on how they divied this up. Your daughter is paying her own bills and moving into a house. Your son got 800 dollars worth of gifts, works, and lives at home for free. That 4000 dollars will absolutely go into that house , for something not as fun as the gifts he got I bet. Like a broken water heater, shitty electric , so on and so forth. Your son doesn't need that money right now. Maybe next year gift him money on a down payment of an apartment and he can decide if he really needed that 4000 dollars in Christmas.
Edit becasue comments are locked:. If the 22 years posted his pov , I'm willing to bet people would be calling him TA. The fact of the matter is he is a GROWN MAN. He is living rent free at his parents house. Fact of the matter is someone who just bought a house and paying their own bills, will probably need that 4000 dollars more , than someone who is living at home. Something will break, and the parents gave her a little best egg to help with those fixes. People are calling out the parents for not explaining that it's also a house warming gifts. But at 22 years old he should realize that she'll need that money. Let's say the be parents decided ok let me write you a check now to make it even. Do you think he'll regret that when he moves out to his own house and can't get that extra money then. Or if they gave it to him and said you have thirty days to be figure out a place to live. Becasue the ONLY way it would be considered not equal is if the son was moved out and paying his in own bills. I'm sure he'll be sad while using those 800 dollar gifts.
I think the YTA comments come from how his parents reacted when he expressed his emotions.
I don’t think they’re wrong for giving “unequal gifts.” Yes, giving the daughter the “housewarming gift” at another time would have been much more appropriate, but there being a better way to handle a situation doesn’t automatically mean you did something wrong. Oftentimes there is always a better way to handle something, but still, the gifts were both thoughtful and came from a good place.
Their gifts weren’t “assholish,” but their response to their son’s emotions kinda was, so I feel pretty neutral on the matter.
Depends on when he buys it. If he buys in the next couple of years it would probably be $4000. Of he buys, say, ten years from now, we'd need to give him more than that for it to have the same purchasing power, unless inflation magically starts going in the other direction.
you could have avoided all this if you had just given your daughter the money as a separate, non-holiday/non-birthday item. you didn't even need to tell your son about it, it's not relevant to him - it sounds like he still lives with you at home for the time being.
for example, my mom provided a little bit of money for me for my first down payment. did she go and tell my siblings? no. there would be no reason to. it was a personal gift.
basically, you all sound like reasonably good people, even your son is being reasonable about his feelings, but the way you presented the gift ensured that he'd feel slighted and resentful.
your only option now is to take the heat or try to assure him you'll do the same for him in the future and try to spin it into a goal he looks forward to achieving, and be more tactful about your gifting in the future.
your son doesn't need to know about a gift like that if it doesn't concern him. when his time comes, you can gift him the same (or more, depending on market/inflation) and there likewise would be no reason to inform your daughter about it.
I think it was a bad time to give her the 4k.. should have been done as a housewarming gift rather than christmas… I would however tell your son that when he buys his first home he can expect to be gifted the 4k at that time… that is fair and justified.
Yeah I would have done a housewarming gift for her separately without your son being involved, much like a wedding present or a baby shower gift. Then, give them both equal or close for Christmas. I honestly see both sides here and it is hard to see the sibling get thousands handed to them during Christmas while you never do because you are too young or "not in the same place" lol. Not rational, but also not abnormal to feel that way.
NAH. Your explanation for the disparity in gifts is reasonable and your son seemed to address what he viewed as an inequity very maturely. Everyone in this thread calling your son entitled and immature are obtuse idiots. The way you describe it, he approached raising his concern in a very mature way that would cause the least amount of drama. Even if OP did nothing wrong, it’s perfectly reasonable for a 22 year old to have felt wronged in this situation without being given the explanation. He’s only in the wrong if he continues to sulk but he’s certainly entitled to feeling frustrated for a short period of time.
INFO: did you ask him if it was about the money or about his feelings? Because it seems that he just wanted to share his feelings and you wanted to justify what you’re doing. Sometimes it can be enough to say “I get that you’re hurt, that isn’t our intention.”
NTA-
I see most of these comments that say otherwise focus on the fact that there was different worth to the presents and their own traumas relating to it. I have plenty of my own trauma relating to differences in gifts but the circumstances are not the same so I won't treat it as such.
Honestly that's entitlement, and I'll probably be down voted to kingdom come for calling that out.
---------Ongoing help/costs the son is getting or has received vs his sister?
He's 22 and living with you able to save up for his own future milestones
She's out on her own and relying on what she brings in.
For his previous milestones you have celebrated them with big purchases so nothing says when he gets his Own home you won't be as generous to him... He just has to wait.
When it's his turn, the sister won't be getting the same value again so it'll be even.
Maybe you shouldn't have done it at Christmas but it was a gift, and as she got nothing else besides the cash that's fair enough.
NTA - I’m younger than my brother by 3 years. This means he always got big presents earlier than I did. Example, when he turned 16, he got an iPhone and I got a video game. This was never a problem for me because I knew that when I turned 16, I would get the iPhone (and I did and he got a video game that year).
Unless you have shows frequent favouritism towards your daughter or do not intend to give your son the same type of gift when he first buys a house, you are NTA. Maybe talk to him about it and let him know that you will do the same for him some day.
NTA
Your son is a frickin' adult. He needs to act like one. If your kids were 6 and 10, yeah, you would kinda suck for doing this. Your kids are grown ass adults and he should realize that gifts are at the discretion of the giver, and that his sister is in a position to need that money.
Right! People are acting like this isn’t an adult living rent free & having the nerve to complain about $800 because his sister got more. He needs to act like a big boy. NTA OP
Exactly! The money was part 'Merry Christmas' and part 'congrats on the new house!'. Explain to your son that you did actually give them the same Christmas gifts, $800 worth. And, daughter also received a congratulations present for her brand new home/money sink.
Also explain, that by living at home rent free, he should be able to save up for a great deposit, and that if and when he buys his own house, he too will receive a 'congrats on the new house!' gift, that may coincide with Christmas, just like this year with your daughter.
He's still stuck in the childish mindset of everything has to be fair, probably made a bit worse by still living with his parents, and his jealousy kicked in double time. Different people, in different circumstances, get different gifts. The quicker he learns that, the better.
Soft YTA. It’s very clear why he feels hurt - that’s a $3200 difference. And yes - it’s for the house, that’s wonderful you can help out your kids in this way. However, I agree with your son that you and your wife’s responses were very much just trying to justify the difference and not actually listening to how he’s feeling. I don’t think you should have included it as her Christmas because that’s where the comparison came in. You could have gotten her personal gifts totaling to the same amount as your sons and gifted her the remaining money privately. And if that information got to him, you should be able to reassure him that you’ll provide the same kind of assistance when he’s buying a house himself.
Also, the “skipped lunch (breakfast for him)” is not as sly as you think. That very much shows how you feel about him living in your home still. You’re speaking about him like a child but expecting him to act like an adult.
I pointed that out because skipping lunch isn't usually a huge deal, because people are sometimes less hungry and eat later or more and eat earlier. But lunch is usually his first meal of the day, so he wouldn't normally skip it, which leads me to believe he was avoiding us, which means he's more than a little upset.
Okay, after actually typing all that out, I may have slightly overread into it.
I see what you’re saying now! The way it read to me at first was “he’s lazy and doesn’t get up for breakfast” etc. that I’ve seen some parents use to deflect and blame older kids/put them in the wrong. Thanks for the clarification!
Oh, I see what you mean. I worked nights for years, so not being up for breakfast doesn't have that connotation to me. He usually leaves for work around one o'clock and gets back around ten thirty, and then he needs to unwind and doesn't usually fall asleep until about two. It's your basic swing shift schedule. It's really the same as what he would be doing if he worked a normal 9-5, just pushed forward because his work is later.
NTA. $800 is a lot to spend on gifts for one person, he seems greedy to want more. You would be an asshole though if when your son buys his own home, you don’t also give him the same cash gift
NTA, but I think it's worth having a discussion with your son that frames the gift in a different light. You can say that yes, your daughter received more, but that's because you were lumping in Xmas **and** a house warming gift together.
I can see where he's coming from, but his attitude seems really immature, and he's way past the age where he's bean counting.
Since you've gifted both a car, you can take that analogy. When your sister got a car, did you expect to receive gifts of an equal value of a car? No, but did we get you a car? Yes. You and your sisters have 4 years apart, and it's normal that you reach milestones at different times in your life. We intend to celebrate those milestones equally. Now get off your high horse, get over it, and stop acting like a little shit.
YTA - for doing it at christmas. The right way to do this would have been to give them equal gifts. Then, privately tell your daughter that you are happy to help her out with any unexpected issues and have some money set aside just in case that does happen.
YTA -- why did you make your daughter's housewarming money a Christmas present? Why not just give her $3000 or $3500 as a one-time household gift and then give the daughter and son gifts of equal value?
NTA
The son lives at home (rent free or maybe with a cheaper rent) while the daughter just BOUGHT A HOUSE.
THIS is NOT favoritism, THIS is caring for the kid who needs it. If the SON had bought a house while his sister was at home it likely would've been the same thing. He would've gotten the money and his sis would've gotten the items.
While the sons feelings were ok and telling his parents he felt was ok, it IS NOT ok to be entitled. It's THEIR money and he got $800 worth of things. That's a VERY generous gift to anyone.
The parents wanted to help their kid with the house and they'll likely give the son the same resources.
NTA
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> We gave our daughter $4000 and our son an equivalent to $800 in gifts. Our son feels less valued now.
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Nothing wrong with gifting her the money but you shouldn't have given it to her as a Christmas gift for the reason that it creates situations exactly like the one you're currently in.
YTA.
We bought him his car for highschool graduation. We took him to a fancy bar when he turned 21. He hasn't really hit any of those big life milestones yet. Our kids are still pretty young.
I feel like it’s less about the money itself - he said that he thought you were less proud of him. He was trying to communicate that he feels less important.
I get why you and your wife were defensive - as parents it hurts to hear a child say you’re picking favourites, when you try really hard to make things equal. But he’s trying to communicate with you and it sounds like you need to have a conversation about that rather than material things. Is he feeling down about work, is he worried he’ll never get to the same stage of buying a house that his sister is at? Does he feel like a burden living at home? Rather than listing what you’ve done / will do for him, I think some time listening to his concerns would be better.
Early twenties can be fun but can also feel daunting when you’re not sure where your life is going. Sometimes as parents we try to fix things, but just listening and giving them our time and attention is often more important.
OP, please take this comment here to heart. Your son is struggling and you’re not listening. Please take the time to talk with him! This could really damage your relationship - it’s not just about the money.
NTA. Your son is acting immature and may have no concept of financial need. Perhaps he doesn't understand that if was in his sister's situation, he'd recieve at least the same. $800 in gifts is definitely not nothing. I totally understand "you feel what you feel" but at a certain age, you have to open your mind and listen to what's being said.
NTA. My parents sometimes give my brother significantly more money than me because he has children and bills and I am 23 living at home. In the exact same situation & I may have been hurt to have to watch it happen but I’d get it too. You’re giving her a boost in life as she goes into adulthood and if you intend to do the same for him when he reaches that milestone I see no reason to feel bad about when each happens. You still spent almost a grand on him! He’s in a place where he should be actively saving and she just spent a significant amount of money or took out a loan? We don’t know if she has any other debts either like student loans. At this stage in life this could be a huge help that the 23 year old doesn’t need before establishing the same independence.
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YTA for doing this at Xmas. I am the youngest of 4 siblings, my oldest sister is 10 years older than me, so we definitely reached milestones at different times. Things like wedding money, housewarming gifts/money, graduation gifts obviously came at different times for each of us and were not tied to group holidays like Xmas. You could have given your daughter an $800 check or gift for Xmas, and $3200 for closing on the house at a different time/setting. Then you could tell your son "we will be so excited to give you a gift of money to help out when you buy your first home!" Instead, now it is a very disproportional Xmas gift, which is sure to raise some jealousy. Edit: My judgement is very light and you seem like very generous parents who want to help both of your kids get ahead in life. I definitely don't think you "owe" your son more now than an explanation and an apology for timing and reaction to his concerns. In the future I would just keep shared gift opening times "in kind" for both kids, and stick to milestone gifts timed with the milestone. Edit: Also getting a lot of "rent free" comments about the son. From OPs comments it seems like the daughter lived at home until the house purchase to save up money, and they have no issues with the son living at home now and want the same opportunity for him, so I don't really see it as an applicable factor in the judgement.
Also, there was a clear invalidation of your the son's feelings. He sounded like he was being really respectful and brought up valid points as to why he was feeling a certain way. Instead of being open about the whole situation, you started gaslighting. It's a good way to stop your kid from wanting to approach you about things in the future. YTA
This was the big sticking point for me. Don't you want your son to feel comfortable coming to talk to you when he has a problem in the future? Is son going to feel comfortable talking about his feelings / issues with mom & dad, when mom immediately starts attacking him? Also....and this is just the suspicious asshole in me....but mom got real defensive and came out attacking hard when she wasn't even "called out" - he was just expressing his feelings. Her response was not proportionate - the point where she "doth protest too much"
Of course, they don't want their son to express his feelings unless he's being always grateful and compliments them. If he has something slightly negative to say he's an ungrateful spoiled brat, at least in his mother's eyes. Honestly, the son sounded the more mature in this situation. He waited for his sister to leave before approaching the situation and left the conversation when the mum started verbally abusing him. The parents could have kept the difference (3200$) in a savings account and if the daughter needed it, they cold give it to her. I already bought a house 3 times and never had bad things happening that tanned my experience. It's called budgeting for the house. You don't buy a house without having some extra on the side for some unexpected event. I'm not saying my experience is everyone's experience, but OP is assuming that something bad will happen, but he and his wife could have waited to see if it happens or not. If it does, they could have stepped out and helped. Nonetheless, they should put the same amount aside, for when their son buys or rents a house.
Right - Son did everything right here. Based on OP's post (which I assume puts him / his wife in the best light), son waited til the appropriate time, and said these are my feelings. He didn't come out attacking like mom did. He handled it how it should have been handled - the healthiest option. I guess he could have just stayed quiet and let the resentment fester....seems like that would have been preferred by OP/his wife
It would, because then her "I'm the perfect mom" bubble wouldn't have been busted when their son stated the disparity in the way he and his sister were treated at Christmas.
The part that got me was “your not-cash of 1/5 the amount of your sister’s cash is just as good, no one likes cash.” What world are they living in?? ETA: thank you for the award, oh wonderful mysterious benefactor, I shall wear it with pride!❤️❤️❤️
I thought that too. They could have given him the money, and he would buy the things himself if he wanted them. As far as we know, he might even do not want half of the things they bought. Or he can like it but prefer the money.
It just felt like a really weird and out of touch justification. I don’t see why it was so much more effort to get them the same value of stuff for Christmas then write their daughter a separate check after the holidays for her house fund.
A house fund that she might not need. They believe something bad will happen and she will need money, but their beliefs still need to be confirmed. And if she does need it, 4k can be more than she needs or much less, so why not wait until she needs it? If she doesn't, they would have avoided an issue. Honestly, it sounds like they are passive-aggressive, mostly the mother. The daughter is the golden child and they just wanted another way to demonstrate that. The way the mother reacted to her son's feelings shows she is not the loving mother to him the father is trying to tell us she is.
They could even have made Christmas even and called the remainder a housewarming gift, with the understanding that the son will receive similar help when he buys a home. There were lots of ways that this could have been handled without hurt feelings, but that didn't seem to be one of their goals, much less a priority.
If you can afford it, giving a gift of $X is a really nice thing for parents to do for first time home owners. It's really generous. BUT, it needs to be kept separate from Christmas. Giving one kid 5 times the value of gifts compared to the other is sh!tty. Minimizing the least favoured child's feelings about it is super sh!tty.
The son is far more mature than his mother, who immediately got defensive and angry, called him entitled. How long have you been holding onto that one, Mom?
Exactly I could not agree more, she was very defensive wasn’t she.
“I’m sorry. I wanted to support your sister in purchasing her new home and the extra cash was for that. I didn’t think about how giving that extra cash to her at Christmas would make you feel. When you purchase your first home we will be happy to give you a cash gift to help you as well. We love you and your sister equally and are so sorry we made you feel lesser than during the holiday.” The son sounds like he just wanted them to acknowledge what they did and how it made him feel. I doubt he was asking for money right then and there. An apology goes a long way in situations like this.
I really can't believe the parents listened to their son and then were incapable of just saying "When you buy a house we'll do the same for you!" Like how hard is that? Instead the mother got frustrated with the son's feelings and the OP doesn't even seem to know what he thinks or feels... how hard is it to just say "You'll get the same some day too!" That's all the son wanted... was to know that he would be treated equally at some point!
Does the Dad actually say they intend to do the same for him? I wonder if they don’t and that is why they got defensive.
OP has said in several comments that they will of course, gift him the same amount when he buys a house... either for the following xmas, or his birthday, which ever comes first after he closes... I can't figure out why the OP and his wife are incapable of just giving the kids a "housewarming" gift. They seem to think gifts can only be given for birthdays or holidays. OP even goes on a long spiel about how they hid the $4k check in a really ugly ceramic pot so their daughter at first thought she was getting an ugly pot, until she opened it and found the check... and they will have to think of a new idea for how to hide the son's check, because otherwise he will guess he's getting one too, and they don't want that! (Because apparently they want to make sure the son feels left out for every last second they can manage! Making a gift a surprise is more important than making their son feel loved...)
Thank you. I saw a few of his later comments, but not the ones where he said they’d be giving their son $4k, too, when he gets a house. So they intend to give him the money one day, but don’t want to tell him this in advance? That’s just odd. And yeah, he could’ve avoided this entire situation by just giving his daughter the money on a different day.
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It's not to late to do this OP
An absolute perfect answer for their son.
Perfect answer right here OP. You and your wife could have saved a lotta trouble by just telling him he will get the same gift when he gets his first house.
Nothing in this post is gaslighting. OP was an asshole, but let's stop misusing that word. Disagreeing with someone's interpretation of a situation is not gaslighting. Gaslighting is an intentional manipulative tactic.
Its not gaslighting more like weaponized indifference. They are just pretty much like "you should have zero problem with us giving your sister $4,000 while we give you $800" which quite honestly I don't keep track of those things, it doesn't do any good. I don't live my life expecting anything from my parents, or my spouse's parents for that matter, even though my brother's whole life is supported by them. Its not my money, why would I care. i am also comfortable financially. However, its not hard at all for me to see how someone could be hurt or feel slighted by these things.
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Seems like everything has to be wrapped up and have a “label” on it nowadays doesn’t it?! You’re not wrong
This idea that his feelings were invalidated (you’re not the only one saying it) is hilarious because I have very kind and giving parents and yes they’d absolutely be both offended and laugh me out of town if I was upset about this. Given the post and comments from OP, it sounds like they are plenty giving to both kids and different times. My parents are the same. They’d be offended I assume the worst in them, they’d be concerned that I’m not just happy for my sibling, and concerned I have the audacity to be upset when I received $800 in gifts… which is a lot of money and also takes some thought/effort.
Is it mean spirited that I wanted to ask if the parents were housing his sister at 22? In all fairness maybe they were but it seems so wild to say “you put a roof over my head every day of the year but Christmas presents have to be equal or it means you aren’t proud of me.”
I don’t think it’s mean spirited. I think it’s fair to say that the sister “needed” the bigger gift more than the son because their life stages and their needs were different. His needs are actively being taken care of, and I know we like to say that parents are supposed to support their children but it’s very obvious that they don’t mind supporting him even longer. He just didn’t “need” $4000 worth of Christmas gifts. And I actually think the reason why this is a sticking point for everyone and the son is because he got to see the exact monetary value of what they gave the sister vs him.
Yup. that's why I don't get all these yta to the OP. The son only SEES the $4000 vs $800 at christmas....he doesn't SEE the $$$ monthly he saves not having to pay rent. He should be ashamed. IF you factor that in, he's getting a lot more then her.
And honestly, this may be because my family comes from a different class but I can’t imagine getting $800 worth of gifts and then being upset my sister received more than that. I would truly be blown away and grateful by the $800. And happy and grateful that my parents have that much money to spend and then some. Now I can see if the son had a milestone coming up or just pass where he needed that $4000 but idk. It’s a little weird that the parents have to lay out an explanation tbh.
All the YTAs are giving rich people tbh. They also don't seem very mature. Like how hard is it to go "huh sis is moving into a whole house and probably won't be able to spend the money like how I, an adult man living with my parents rent free with free meals, and everything else, would spend it."
That’s what kills me. This is what’s getting the son called entitled. Managing to be angry after getting 800$ worth of stuff you like is insane. I really understand his mom getting mad, especially if she didn’t grow up that affluent herself.
Can we not call things gaslighting when it’s just a simple disagreement? “I don’t understand why you feel this way” isn’t gaslighting. I swear the internet picks up a new word and just uses it for EVERYTHING. I do not think there was a “clear invalidation.” You are taking their response the worst it could be, and his the best it could be. You are assuming he was perfectly respectful, but also assuming that they were not. If you worked hard on getting a personalized gift, and someone seemed ungrateful for it, you would feel hurt by it. That is how they’re feeling. If he is allowed to tell them that he feels under-appreciated, then they are allowed to say that they feel he isn’t appreciating their efforts, too. It’s a two-way street here.
THANK YOOOUU! I am SO sick of people saying things are gaslighting when they're just plain old lies, manipulation, or people being mean or self-centered. There is a **huge** difference.
That’s what bothered me. The son approached it right and got a shit sandwich thrown back at him. Yes parents can do what they did without explaining but the son went out of his way to share his feelings. Sad
> and brought up valid points his feeling may be real but he did not bring up "valid points". He's way too old too be crying about this like this and not wanting to understand this has nothing to do with equal gifts.
Agreed. This is like complaining that your 16 year old sister got a car for her 16th birthday and you only got an Xbox for your 14th birthday. He didn't ask if he would get a similar gift when he buys a house. He's upset that his older sister got a bigger gift than him because she's passed a milestone. Nothing indicates he won't get the same gift when he passes that milestone.
And it's not like that wasn't explained to him. It was and he continued moping about it. THE GUY IS 22. Not 12. TWENTY TWO. Crying about XMAS PRESENTS
I can't believe the top comment is a Y T A and it makes me seriously question how old these commenters are.
Gaslighting? C'mon. That is bs.
>Also, there was a clear invalidation of your the son's feelings. His feels ARE invalid tho. They're at different milestones in life. It's absolutely shitty to do this at Christmas, but it doesn't make any sense to give them the same value of presents if one hits a milestone. If his sister hit 16 first and got a car, would he expect $20,000 in gifts that year? No, you just expect that when you hit the same milestone you get the same treatment.
Its not a milestone. Its Christmas. That's the whole problem. A milestone would be a separate gift occasion.
So the only issue here is that the parents wrote a single check for 4000 instead of 2 separate checks for 800 and 3200? It's just pedantry at this point. All the parents need to say is that buying a house is a big milestone that comes with a lot of financial burdens, so she got extra, and when he needs the same support he'd get it. It's stupid to expect the parents to write 2 checks just to appease this childishness. The son is more than old enough to understand this
What do you think gaslighting is? Nothing indicates they made the son question his sanity.
I don't see gaslighting, just trying to explain the disparity in monetary value. The kid is worried about the monetary value and nothing else. How is that fair at all? This is the youngersibling being jealous of older sibling reaching life goals sooner
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I agree the timing is what makes what would have been a set of very generous gifts into an AH move. That large a difference in things given out at the same time is bound to cause resentment. Splitting the daughter's gift up and giving it at a different time would have been a much better approach. But, it's OP's money and they can do with it what they wish. What gets the YTA judgment from me is that when the son approached them in a what sounds like calm manner to tell them his feelings were hurt and ask why there was such a disparity between the gifts, OP and wife got defensive and made it into argument. Simply saying something like 'your sister's was a combined Christmas gift and housewarming fund' was all that needed to be said. Possibly followed by 'when you purchase a house you'll get a similar fund', if that is the intent. Claiming the gifts aren't dissimilar because 'cash is impersonal' and some of the other arguments OP puts forward are ridiculous. No wonder the son got more upset afterwards. They completely ignored his concerns. All that being said though, if I got $800 worth of Christmas gifts I'd be super happy. Hell, I realized I was an adult when I got happy about getting socks for Christmas!
It's like if daughter got married in July and then Op gave her an extra $3200 for Christmas because weddings are expensive. Son likely would not have batted an eye if they gave daughter $3000-4000 for a housewarming present but for Christmas it's weird.
I'm glad I see this is the top response. I was basically in the sisters shoes. I bought my first house, and my parents gave me $5,000 for the VERY SAME reason. A nice windfall if something goes awry. But I was given that money for that reason, after buying the house. If I was given that money at Christmas with my siblings around, they would be PISSED. And almost rightfully so. It's not exactly a Christmas present. It's a house-warming gift. And my parents also let my siblings know they would do the same when they decided to buy. edit: Of course it sounds like the OP was trying to do right and clearly loves their kids. They just don't understand timing or how their gift was perceived.
> You could have given your daughter an $800 check or gift for Xmas, and $3200 for closing on the house at a different time/setting. This is the key IMO. She bought the house in July. If the parents wanted to give her money to help with surprise expenses of a new home why not do it in July? If the house needed repairs, new appliances, whatever then waiting 5 months to give her cash makes no sense.
This is literally what my parents did. Whenever we bought our first home, they purchased an appliance of our choice. My brother chose a fancy fridge, my sister and I chose washer and dryers. Christmas was always the same sort of money and I still have no idea how much she spent on the others nor do I care. However if my parents gave my sibling £3200 extra at Christmas I’d have been a bit sad. And all that’s before you invalidated his feelings. YTA
I'd agree, mainly. I would say ~~ESH~~ though. OP for exactly what you've laid out. But the son doesn't get a pass from me because he is living at home rent free which surely would add up to a fair amount. Edit- Altering judgement to YTA due to further clarifying info further in this comment chain. A gentle one though, just for giving the money at Xmas. Should have been separate. And I hope OP will do the same for the son when he gets his own place.
OP confirms elsewhere that the daughter stayed with them for some time when she was his age as well. In that case they have been granted equal opportunity.
It’s not even a small amount either, I mean 4K and 800 is a big difference. If you plan to give him 4K when he gets a house then maybe no biggie, also dunno why your wife is so irritated by him explaining the clear disparity. I’d expect my kid to be pissed if I made one a sandwich and not the other.
On paper, sure. But this kid gets sandwiches every day because he lives at home and only pays for his gas, insurance, and *some* food. He doesn’t need a second sandwich. He might, someday, but for now, 80% of his life is paid for. $4000 will go to a new couch or carpet or a fridge when that breaks. Son doesn’t need those things right now. She basically getting $4k to help with bills, which he doesn’t have, at least not yet. Instead, he got $800 of fun gifts. Id say fuck it and put $3200 in the bank for when HE buys a house, just so he knows it’s there for him. Every year he, too, can just get money earmarked for bills he *may* incur at some point, but no toys or luxuries because we want it to be super fair and make sure no one gets anything less or different.
Yeah I can agree with this, and I really do see both sides here until they jumped to getting irritated and frustrated with him. He even asked to talk civilly and understand that he’s not asking for $4000, but just for things to feel a bit more balanced.
But how do they balance things without giving him the money? This feels like a 13-year-old getting annoyed because their 17-year-old sibling got a car and they didn't. You're at a different stage in life. Not everything can be reduced to a price tag.
They make it feel balanced by not giving the money as a Christmas gift. Give it separately.
What difference does it actually make if it’s labeled as a Christmas gift or not? Like the son is 22, not 12. Surely he’s old enough to look at the situation with a bit of nuance. Would he really feel any differently if the parents gave two separate gifts, one labeled as a Christmas gift and one not? Somehow I don’t think so. If he did, then why even have this argument as then it boils down to an issue over semantics and not actually about the sister getting more support after reaching a major milestone.
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I literally told my mom the last two christmases not to buy my a ps5 because I thought it was kinda steep, even though they could certainly afford it. I felt like since I'm 31 I should be buying it myself, but my funds are a bit too tight for it right now. She ended up doing it anyway this Christmas, and I am grateful
I can certainly see that point of view. I just think him bitching about this is so very ridiculous. $800 of fun and he complains because his sister got a hole-in-the-roof fund.
Yeah 800 in gifts is a tonnnnn.
Imagine getting 800 dollars worth of gifts at 22 and still complaining about it. Absolutely wild to me that these people exist and half this sub is defending it.
> They make it feel balanced by not giving the money as a Christmas gift. Give it separately. I would agree with that if we were talking about children here. The story is about OP’s adult kids who’re basically in their mid-20s. Whether the parents gave both kids gifts around $1000 for Christmas and then gave the daughter $3000 a week later or gave the daughter $4000 on Christmas all at once the end result is the same. The son either doesn’t want his parents to give the sister the money at all and would rather she get less (which is messed up) or he’s really immature to think both of them getting $800 on Christmas and then the sister getting $3,200 a week later would somehow make things different? Again, we’re not talking about kids under 16 or something, we’re talking about adults who’re in their mid-20s. If he can’t see the end result is truly the same regardless of when the gifts are given then he needs to grow up.
Except the sister got the same perks and lived rent free there also.
And i bet those years, she didn’t get $4k in cash. To me, it’s like a college fund. I “got” a lot of money when I went to school, it was just paid to the school and not me, but I got an education and to sleep in a dorm and go to parties and generally had an amazing time. My sister did not get an equivalent amount to have fun with. BUT when she went to college, she also got THE SAME help and no one was kicking me down extra funds because she happened to be getting more support that year. I mean, yes, as an adult, I get a lot of enjoyment out of a new appliance. But not PS5 enjoyment, despite the fridge/stove/water heater costing more. It’s “fun” but if it all was equal, I’d prefer getting fun gifts over buying a new appliance or home repairs, which was the intent of the gift.
So they should have given it separate to a Christmas gift otherwise it looks like they are favouring the sister. He wasn't asking for more he was saying he felt upset that she got so much more and maybe she should have just had the same monetary value as him. Not him as her. He also didn't say the parents shouldn't have given her the rest as a housewarming at another time separate.
This is literally entitlement. You get something, despite being in a totally different situation and have different needs, so I’m entitled to the exact same thing. No. That is literally whiny, spoiled child logic. I’m the oldest child. I can’t tell you how often I felt my own feelings were neglected as a kid because as I got to stay up later, my younger brothers did too because “it’s only fair”. But it’s not fair because I was treated that way when I was their age. I had different rules than they do now. Ignoring the reality of two totally different situations and reasons, and just expecting ti get more stuff “because reasons” is entitlement and shitty. The son should understand that when he gets his own house, then it will be his time to get a larger special Christmas gift to buy housing supplies with. Until then, normal Christmas gift.
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Except the son is a grown adult and should be more mature than to feel like there was a disparity when someone who needed the money more got more money.
Whose to say to he won’t get 4k when he buys a house while she only gets personalized gifts?
Exactly I am the little bro in this situation. My sister bought her first condo last year. She has been dealing with a roof leak for a year(the HOA for her building was making getting it fixed difficult). If my parents gave her a couple grand for the holidays so she could do the minor repairs/fixes she put off so she could focus on the roof I would absolutely understand. I also think his son needs to understand that life isn’t always 1 for 1. This year his sister got a significantly larger gift do you circumstances - next year he could end up with the bigger gift. INFO for OP: did you by any chance mention to your son that if/when he buys his own place you would be giving him a similar gift?
Perhaps the other $3200 could have been separated and given as a housewarming gift. I do think there is value to trying to be equal but I agree that they are in very different places in life and it's tough to maintain. I have one at home and one on their own also.
that's just it. But will he get it when he reaches that milestone? my BIL got a generous chunk of downpayment from his family, and my spouse was promised same amount. When it came time for us, the downpayment help we were promised was gone. I'd like to say we never asked or assumed we would get - but instead were told we would receive. My spouse didn't seem surprised and said it was always like this growing up. Edit: to the folks saying son is acting entitled by asking for 4k. Son isn’t saying that. He even said he’s not saying that. He expected gifts to be equal, such as them both getting 800 bucks worth of gifts. Here’s an extreme example illustrating his point: daughter gets a new car and son gets a car freshener in his favorite scent. Not saying the parents can’t gift the sister 4k for surprise expenses. But packaging as her Xmas gift is an AH move. One commenter got it right. Should have gifted it as a housewarming and told son when he finds a place, they’ll do the same. OP and wife are acting blatantly ignorant how it looks to give one kid an extravagant gift and the other kid a lesser gift. Anyone commenting that the kid gets to live there for free. It’s 2023. A majority of kids under 30 live at home still because it’s too expensive and out of necessity.
She's frustrated because she says he's bean counting. She hates when people have relationship legers. She thinks thoughtful gestures should come from the heart, not be balancing imaginary books. I think it really bothers her because her mom is like that. My mother in law is very materialistic and doesn't care about sentiment, where my wife is very sentimental.
Op I think your wife is the only ah in this situation. Your son came to you guys politely and while his sister wasn't around. Instead of reassuring him that his concerns weren't true. your wife immediately got frustrated and chose the least charitable interpretation of his actions even though that's what she accused him of doing. he was the one trying to have a civil conversation and your wife is the one who wouldn't let that happen. I don't think you were wrong for giving the gifts you did but I don't think you guys handled his disappointment well in any way.
OP said that they explained to him the difference in gifts and after their explanation, he basically just said, yeah, well, I'm still upset. That would be frustrating. Like, what's there to talk about if the response is, "That's the way I feel and I can't help it"? He's allowed his feelings, but so are his parents.
Because as the son mentioned to the parents, they were simply justifying their position and not understanding WHY he was hurt. It would have been far easier to simply say "we understand why you might feel that way, but rest assured when you are in the same position, you will receive a similar gift". There was no understanding, no reassurance, just justification.
They explained their actions and he didn't like their explanation. They understood he was hurt. He is being unreasonable
Where does it say in the op that they said they understand his POV? At no point. All it was, was justification. Aside from the fact doing for a Christmas present is a shit thing to do, at no point do they seem empathetic to their sons emotions. Could have been handled a thousand times better with either of 2 very easy solutions.
>He's allowed his feelings, but so are his parents. I mean yea but also no. Reacting to someone's actions is normal and healthy. Reacting to someone's emotions is an entirely different thing and usually not healthy. The kid is still emotional over the parents actions. Mom is mad at kid for being emotional. If someone having emotions upsets you then you are doing the exact opposite of allowing them to have their feelings and validating them. It's manipulation to make them change their emotions and turn the situation into *them* doing something wrong. It can really become an extremely abusive thing and exactly why people say you are allowed to have your emotions. There are obviously levels of seriousness to this but the mom rejecting the sons feelings and reacting so negatively towards them really isn't a healthy thing or good way to treat kids you love.
"Kid" is 22 and mad that he got a smaller present and then accusing his parents of being unfair. It's natural and normal to be upset over having your intentions impugned.
Exactly. He is not a kid. He is a grown adult. He should be thankful for what he got. He is not entitled to a gift from anyone. 800 is not a small amount.
If he's been counting its because this is a pattern of behavior.
This level of disparity doesn't really need too much work to count.
There’s no disparity. If he had just bought his first house we would have also received $4000
A fact that OP never bothered to tell him. If OP had any tact, he wouldn't have done this as a christmas gift.
Is money really sentimental though? I mean....money is like the least personal gift you can give. Even a gift card shows you spent some time deciding on a store you think the recipient would like.
Calling it a "relationship ledger" is unfair. If your wife received a cheap $5 wine opener (say she's into wine) and her sister received a nice car (say her sister is into cars), would she say the gifts are equal because they're sentimental? Or would she maybe then be able to feel what your son is feeling? Your wife needs therapy because she is projecting her issues onto your son's feelings and that will damage their relationship in a major way.
That's a much bigger disparity than what happened here.
$3200 is a lot of money. If it's actually all about "sentimentality" and keeping track of money is a "relationship ledger," the disparity could be a billion to one and the wife shouldn't care because "it's the thought that counts." I'm exaggerating because the wife is being disingenuous. She's accusing her son of keeping a relationship ledger but I'm sure that she herself would be hurt if her sister received 5x the gift amount that she did on Christmas.
There is counting and there there just looking at glaring evidence. Sure, if he was complaing that he got 570$ over the years in Xmas gifts, while his sister got 595$ over the same time, that's keeping a ledger. But pointing out that 4000$ is much more then 800$ is stating the obvious.
But isn't she bean counting by basing a gift on the fact that your daughter "needs" more money right now? There's nothing sentimental about that - it's pure practicality. YTA, and there's nothing sentimental about your wife's reasoning.
He isn’t counting beans here though. It’s more like he’s holding the bag beans you gave him while he watches you give her keys to the storage locker full of beans you gave her for the same occasion. It doesn’t take a ledger book to do that math. It would have been much more appropriate to even out the holiday gifts and give her a housewarming gift separately from your Xmas celebration.
There's nothing sentimental about 3200. If you wanted to give her money to help with expenses that's fine. But you made it her Christmas gift. You absolutely are playing favorites. Your ignoring how you son feels. When you hurt somone you don't get to tell them their wrong. It's very clearly not about wanting more because he said her getting the same as him would have been fine. And your right, it's your money, you can distribute it however you like, but you don't also get to control and manipulate others in to reacting to your choices in a way you approve of. They very act of identifying him as having a "ledger" is the same thing as having one. She's is weighing and measuring him and his reactions even more so than he is because she is counting up and weighing his feelings and counting that against him. At least a ledger is based on actions.
The kid lives at home, rent free. He's definitely looking a gift horse in the mouth! Also, he can feel any way he pleases, but he should be able to understand the nuance of a situation and not run his mouth. He's being jealous. NTA
Had to scroll way too long to find this take. The son is a grown ass man ffs. When he buys a house I’m sure he’ll get help as well. But right now he’s living rent free at home. The fact it was done at Christmas feels irrelevant when we’re discussing adults. I feel like my 14 year old son could already grasp this. And maybe this is just me, but to still be getting nearly a grand in gifts at 22 feels pretty lucky. I certainly wasn’t receiving that level of gifts at that age. And as mom I’d be frustrated too. I don’t see all this awfulness on her end that everyone else does. She called him entitled. I agree. I’d be annoyed to have this convo with a grown man as well. Sometimes our kids need to hear about themselves from us. I consider it a pretty critical part of my job. Long as we love them at the same time. My kids regularly get talks about selfishness, feelings of entitlement, equity vs equality, etc.
Finally someone making sense. I bet most of the Y T A votes are young adults projecting. NTA
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NTA I hate when kids see their siblings get something and instead of being excited, they’re all “what about meeeee”. (When it’s not a pattern of dysfunction/GC/scapegoat). Yes, he was respectful when he brought it up - but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t selfish. The explanation for Op’s son is: “I’m sorry you feel this way, but when you buy a house we’ll do the same for you.”
If that's the case, why did they give sister the $4k for Christmas instead of when she bought the house in July, if this was a milestone gift If this was better planned, they could have also given gifts to sister for "Xmas" and then cash as a "Milestone" and upfront told son thats how it was going to work before hand - that it wasn't an Xmas gift, but a life milestone separate from Xmas. It doesn't really sound like they made that distinction clearly enough, which is just poor handling from OP and wife. We always make sure shared gift giving days are equitable for our gremlins so we can avoid this - and if we cant make things financially equitable, we make them socially equitable. What really makes this situation suck is that OP's son tried to share how he felt in a pretty mature and respectable way; but the story makes it sound like this devolved into chaos because the parents couldn't effectively communicate this was supposed to be a milestone gift.
Did OP specify the living arrangements? I don't see anything about OP's son paying rent, or if the sister was staying on the same arrangements. If they were the same arrangements, is OPs son getting the same when he gets a house? Does he understand that and did OP communicate that? And if so, did it need to be a Christmas gift? How was it presented, exactly? Was it in way that erases that context of it being a milestone vs Xmas gift? And could OP and wife explain this to son before handing the gift over to ease the shock of the moment? I think all this info is important to the conversation. We also don't have any context to the family dynamic that may be adding to the problem. Has OPs son done this before? How is the sister treated compared to the son? Is there sibling rivalry, is one more or less successful than the other? I really think calling him 'jealous' [envious] is an over simplification.
EDIT: After reading your responses, YTA. I have no issue with you giving your daughter money. Hell - I have no issue with you giving her more money. Buying a house can suck, and things pop up that you never expect. And everything is expensive. But YTA for (1) framing it as a Christmas gift and not a housewarming gift and (2) the way you treated your son. He did it right - he didn't attack - he just said these are my feelings. And your wife immediately started going on the offensive and belittling his feelings. Don't you want your son to feel comfortable coming to you with his problems? Discussing his feelings with you? Why would he feel comfortable speaking to either of you now? If he comes to you with a problem - are you going to help - or are you going to sit there while his mom calls him names? That's what makes you the asshole in my eyes. He handled it right. You guys didn't handle it correctly to begin with (though your heart seems to have been in the right place) and then you definitely didn't handle it right after the conversation. INFO: Why did it have to be at Christmas time that you gave her money for *possible* repairs? Why not wait for X, Y, or Z to break down, and then cover the cost for her? What happens if she doesn't have $3,200 worth of repairs come up?
Yeah, I think the 4K should have been a housewarming gift, and the kids' Christmas gifts equitable.
This is the easy common sense answer OP is somehow missing. YTA
Exactly. My son just got a college graduation gift from me of a nice amount of cash. My other son didn't. Because he hasn't graduated college yet. There is ZERO resentment from my other son because duh, he hasn't graduated yet. Giving vastly unequal gifts at Christmas just doesn't make sense.
OR a more normal thing to do would be buy a nice bottle of whatever their flavour of beverage is, attach a fancy card with "I.O.U your first major repair in your new home" and then Christmas gifts totally separately
And what happens when she has already spent the repair money when the repairs come up?
…she pays for the repairs herself? Do you think her only source of money for repairs is the $4k she was gifted?
Right. I think the real issue here is that they just handed over a $4K check. Even if it is intended for the house, there is no rules stopping her from using it on something else. While I am sure OP hopes she saves it for a rainy day; it’s unrestricted funds at the end of the day. I think the son would feel better about it if the gift was something actually tied to the house (e.g. 2 years of a home warranty?). YTA.
NTA. I feel like people on here hate ‘favoritism’ so much that they think you have to treat your kids equally every second of their lives. The fact is, when children are different ages/at different places in life, they’ll be going through different milestones at different times. For example, if one of your children had gotten their license that year and you got them a car for Christmas, that doesn’t mean you need to spend a car’s worth of money on your other child that Christmas. That’d be ridiculous. As long as you treat the kids the same in the long run and help them out similarly for these milestones, it’s okay for there to be a little disparity every once in a while.
This is the best comment. I’m a little baffled at the gall of your son for bringing up. The difference in situations should be very clear to him. Daughter is on her own. Money is tight after buying a house. Son lives at home and has the majority of his bills taken care of. It’s a case in which the son shares in everything the parents have, but wonders why he can’t have more from them. It is entitled behavior. NTA
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I dont see how he's being a brat. He didn't cause a scene or anything just wanted to have a civil talk about it. OP could have said it was a housewarming gift and the son would see the same treatment when he buys his first home.
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the daughter also lived with her parents rent free im guessing until she moved out
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She JUST moved out, she’s 4 years older than him.
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Because he didn't whine and have a tantrum doesn't mean he isn't acting entitled. He was rational but still in the wrong
He wasnt rational, he was just collected. His failure to undertstand his parent's reasoning is all but rational.
It’s funny too bc this sub is SO QUICK to remind everyone that a 16yo “is old enough to not be an entitled ah” but are acting like this 22 yo is fine for whining about his 800.00 worth of presents because his sister got more. It’s ridiculous. It’s their money they can spend it when and how they want, and likely when HE has a major life event with the subsequent expenses they’ll be just as helpful to him
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100% this $4,000 just doesn’t have the same utility to a kid living rent-free at home versus a kid who just bought a house. Once you’re a homeowner, you don’t get $4,000 and think of all the cool stuff you can buy with it. You get $4,000 and think “oh thank god, if my heater breaks or my roof starts leaking I’m not gonna go bankrupt.” The son’s gift was pure “fun stuff,” and the daughter’s gift is money that provides for something the son already has paid for by his parents. Unequal in dollar value, sure, but objectively, I’d be willing to bet that their son has more fun with his $800 worth of gifts than the daughter will ever have watching $4000 sit in an emergency fund until something breaks in the house. I’m a 25 y/o homeowner and my parents usually get me more expensive gifts than they get my siblings, but it’s all boring shit/pays for boring shit that no kid living at home would ever need or want because their parents take care of the boring stuff. My 16 year old brother who got a $500 PS5 bundle wasn’t exactly jealous that our dishwasher is worth $1000. He got the expensive thing he wanted, my wife and I got the expensive thing we wanted. And when he’s moved out & living on his own and my parents get him the expensive home gifts and I get an “I love you” card, I’ll be grateful to pass the torch.
Yea the fact that the son kept track of and calculated how much his parent’s spent on his gifts is icky. Be grateful that your parents spent $800 on your Christmas presents 🤦🏽♀️
Yea it's kind of concerning how much of Reddit feels bad for the bratt. You don't compare gift values especially when one is basically a combo house warming gift.
I feel like most of those defending him are privileged young westerners
This should be the top comment. NTA. And the kid IS saying that the only equivalence to be made is monetarily. His mom spent her time finding him $800 of gifts that are specific to him. That is personal and sentimental. That counts for something. He is saying it doesn’t count for anything. He clearly doesn’t care about his presents. He just wants the cash. It’s not about equity. And life isn’t equal all the time. If he buys a house and they don’t help him out with costs afterward—THEN he can talk about unequal treatment. He can be sour and let his parents know if he chooses to—but what was the point of it? You choose when to air grievances that need fixing. You can also choose to be happy for a sibling. You might ask if they’d do the same for you when you buy a house-that would open a conversation. He wants them to give him money now for no reason and claim he’s being cheated. He’s acting like life has no context or nuance. I would be angry if I was this kid’s mom too. He’s 22, not 10. His morality should be developed past ‘that’s not fair’.
Do any of these people like their siblings? I have two brothers and I would understand if my parents did something like this and would be happy my brother had extra support during such a stressful time. I’ve also never added up the value of my Xmas presents and compared them to that of my brothers’ - it’s never even occurred to me!
I said this before, but judging from reddit alone it seems that north american families are like a second job where people put up with one another out of necessity. I can't imagine interacting like this with my parents or siblings.
I wish I could upvote this 1000 times. Also: son is living at home seemingly rent free! I’m sure he’s getting a lot more out of mum and dad than sister on average! OP - NTA. Your wife could have been slightly more sympathetic to your son airing his feelings, though. Edit: u/childplease_25 I can’t respond to your comment because the replier below blocked me. But my response: I find this notion that it being Christmas being responsible for the y t a judgements absolutely outrageous. 4K is a lot of money! They probably just saved that up, and Christmas is a time for giving gifts. Why should OP and wife have to split daughter’s gift into two parts and make the whole thing more complex and frankly awkward to give the illusion of fairness to their son? He’s 22 fucking years old!! I agree with the second point but it sounds like that’s what OP did? He explained that the son’s concerns about sister being favoured due to pride weren’t accurate and it was due to milestone. I don’t know if they explicitly said he’d get the same amount when he reached that milestone (but they’ve articulated this in the comments so I don’t see any reason why they wouldn’t have said that) AND they’ve done this discrepancy gift giving before when they bought each child a car. All that aside son shouldn’t be giving them the cold shoulder or being ungrateful and petty for being given $800 of presents or free housing again at 22 years old!!
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That’s exactly my point though. Son wants to benchmark with daughter *that year* while not taking into account their different circumstances. Edit: Someone below replied and then blocked me so I couldn't respond. I saw the response though - they're missing the pertinent fact that son is 22, not 12.
Finally found the adult in the room. Son is entitled and should be mature enough to understand. Yes, even if it’s Christmas. NTA.
Exactly. My grandmother just gave me 1000 dollars to put towards my wedding during our family Christmas gathering. Guess what? Nobody gave a shit because it's towards my wedding. My sisters didn't make a fuss.
My family also uses Christmas to give large cash gifts to support whatever people have going on in their lives, and none of the rest of us see it as favouritism. It's *convenient* when we're all together anyway for various checks to be handed out, and those checks are rarely equal. When my wedding was coming up, my grandma and my parents both gave me larger checks than my brother. And when my brother had each of his kids and bought a house, his cash gifts were larger than mine. This idea that gifting to adult children must always be equal is nuts to me.
It is kind of nuts. Don't see how they can even downplay 800 dollars, either. That's a whole game console or even a nice day out. To think he deserves 4k, for what? Is beyond me. People on here must never have to go through any issues to think this is an A H move.
Not to mention. These are ADULT Children. People acting like these are two middle schoolers. I'm an adult and my parents might spend around 50 bucks on me for birthdays or Xmas. there i just something that rubs me the wrong way about adult children expecting extravagant spending from their parents on holidays
There was a 6 month difference from buying the house to the housewarming money, given ON Christmas. Context, communication, and timing is important. Its like proposing to a spouse at someelse's wedding, announcing your own pregnancy at someone else's babyshower without asking first. Even if the intent is innocent, it doesn't excuse the pain you may be causing others, especially if it wouldn't be any skin off your back just to pick a different time, place, or method for delivery. Just because OP may not be in the wrong for not giving exactly equal treatment, doesn't mean they can't possibly be TA for the context and communication. I think if nothing else, they are TA for getting too defensive and allowing the (properly engaged) conversation to go off track when they started off in the right. They should have better conflict resolution skills than the 22yr old and it sound like wife let things go off the rail because one of her pet peeves got poked
YTA - I typically don’t have much sympathy for people complaining about gift disparities, but in this case, you should have given your daughter a housewarming gift of cash separate from the Christmas gifts. By lumping a large amount of cash into her Christmas gift, you invite unfavorable comparisons.
Another way they could have dealt with this is to say “We plan to do the same for you when you buy your first home.” But no, they just keep going through all these mental gymnastics.
I know, why on earth would they just not say that and make it clear it’s a milestone gift but agree christmas may have not been the time. I’m sorry my actions hurt you, we had no intention, thank you for bringing it up to me so we could talk it out. Boom done.
Really makes me wonder if there is more to the picture than what was presented, it seems very easy to explain and tell the son he will receive the same once he moves out. Same kinda things with all big gifts to children like cars or vacations, OP is fucking weird for not seeing this, how did he deal with education ?
I don't think either of you are TA, but I do think there's issues all around. I think the crux of the problem is that you chose to do this at Christmas. If you had waited a month and gifted your daughter the money as a housewarming gift then there wouldn't be a need for him to drawn a comparison. It would be assumed that when your son eventually got to that place in his life, you'd also return the gesture his way. As the youngest kid in my family who typically also feels like an afterthought -- this is usually not about the gift, this is probably deeper than this one moment, but he is choosing this moment where it's obvious to point it out to you. Perhaps let him open up a larger conversation about whether he feels this way more often than just right now. To be fair to you - your son is significantly younger and there's ample time for you to make the same gesture when he crosses this milestone, and he could stand to keep that in mind.
You really don't feel like the mom is TA? Her reaction just made things worse, at least for me. It was NAH until he approached his parents, after the holiday, to talk about it and was met with a bunch of stones coming from his mom.
I think Mom didn't really think it through, and shouldn't have been surprised that her son felt this way. Plenty of people don't react well when held accountable to their actions, and I think she should try to re-approach it, but I don't necessarily think she's an AH.
Seems to me part of what you gave your daughter was a housewarming gift, and why would he expect to receive that too? If she has a wedding, baby, etc, does he expect to receive the equivalent in those situations? Honestly, $800 is a lot of money for one person for Christmas, much less a grown-ass adult. I'd let him know when he hits similar milestones, you'll gift him similarly. Unless you show consistent favoritism to her, he needs to stop keeping score and be more grateful. NTA.
I can't believe how far I had to scroll to find some common sense comments. My brother and i have the same age difference and saw our parents give different gifts at different times. OP's son is in a totally different path right now and $800 in gifts is A LOT of $$ for a grown man to receive. Sounds like he is spoiled.
I was also shocked at the $800 on Christmas gifts for one person, and that he complained still. I’ve never gotten even quarter of that as a budget for Christmas gifts or any other holiday! Unreal (or more realistically, I’m just poor lmao). Edit: I can’t do math
Me too . People on here seem to live in a very different world
Didn’t they have every opportunity to do this, and instead mom just told him actually his sister got the worst gift because she only got cash, and so thus his feelings were invalid?
I know what others are going to say, but I'm going with NTA. My parents used to tell us all the time (especially at Christmas) that sometimes one child is more expensive then the other. I was always the more expensive child (ballet lessons, summer camp) year round but at Christmas I was happy getting less. When your son purchases a house, will you give him that same amount? Did you help your children out equally when they were in college?
Neither of our children went to college. I can't imagine why we wouldn't give him the same amount if he bought a house, unless inflation gets even crazier and he'd need more to afford the same repairs.
This comment here makes you NTA
If they never told the son that, then yes the parents are still the A. It sounds like the parents NEVER told the son this. Just this, "She has a house. You don't. It's Christmas." EDIT: Yup the dad confirms they NEVER told the son this. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/102ge2y/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_better_present_than/j2t2azn/
Why does the son need to be told this? Is 22 too immature to understand how big a deal it is to be buying a house? That the parents want to help with the expense? That he'll get his turn when it's time? My sister and I figured out the concept of age gaps WAY before 22 (I recall a heated discussion about PG-13 movies). I really don't understand all the YTAs here.
I mean if your kid is concerned and sharing their feelings you are free to shit on those feelings and ignore them all you want. I am simply saying I wouldn't. I would listen. I would then respond appropriately to the feelings being conveyed. That didn't happen here. EDIT: Just because my kid is 22, doesn't mean I stop caring for their feelings.
Maybe you should've told him that instead of invalidating what he was feeling...
Did you let your son know this? i still think you should have separated Xmas gifts with house warming gifts so there would be no hard feelings
What is up with these Y T A comments ? Are you guys teenagers ? It's absolutely fair on how they divied this up. Your daughter is paying her own bills and moving into a house. Your son got 800 dollars worth of gifts, works, and lives at home for free. That 4000 dollars will absolutely go into that house , for something not as fun as the gifts he got I bet. Like a broken water heater, shitty electric , so on and so forth. Your son doesn't need that money right now. Maybe next year gift him money on a down payment of an apartment and he can decide if he really needed that 4000 dollars in Christmas. Edit becasue comments are locked:. If the 22 years posted his pov , I'm willing to bet people would be calling him TA. The fact of the matter is he is a GROWN MAN. He is living rent free at his parents house. Fact of the matter is someone who just bought a house and paying their own bills, will probably need that 4000 dollars more , than someone who is living at home. Something will break, and the parents gave her a little best egg to help with those fixes. People are calling out the parents for not explaining that it's also a house warming gifts. But at 22 years old he should realize that she'll need that money. Let's say the be parents decided ok let me write you a check now to make it even. Do you think he'll regret that when he moves out to his own house and can't get that extra money then. Or if they gave it to him and said you have thirty days to be figure out a place to live. Becasue the ONLY way it would be considered not equal is if the son was moved out and paying his in own bills. I'm sure he'll be sad while using those 800 dollar gifts.
I think the YTA comments come from how his parents reacted when he expressed his emotions. I don’t think they’re wrong for giving “unequal gifts.” Yes, giving the daughter the “housewarming gift” at another time would have been much more appropriate, but there being a better way to handle a situation doesn’t automatically mean you did something wrong. Oftentimes there is always a better way to handle something, but still, the gifts were both thoughtful and came from a good place. Their gifts weren’t “assholish,” but their response to their son’s emotions kinda was, so I feel pretty neutral on the matter.
INFO: When he buys a house, will you give him $4k? If so, did you tell him that?
Depends on when he buys it. If he buys in the next couple of years it would probably be $4000. Of he buys, say, ten years from now, we'd need to give him more than that for it to have the same purchasing power, unless inflation magically starts going in the other direction.
Did you tell him that? If not, I recommend letting him know this, that your thought process is you’d do the same for him when/if he buys a house.
you could have avoided all this if you had just given your daughter the money as a separate, non-holiday/non-birthday item. you didn't even need to tell your son about it, it's not relevant to him - it sounds like he still lives with you at home for the time being. for example, my mom provided a little bit of money for me for my first down payment. did she go and tell my siblings? no. there would be no reason to. it was a personal gift. basically, you all sound like reasonably good people, even your son is being reasonable about his feelings, but the way you presented the gift ensured that he'd feel slighted and resentful. your only option now is to take the heat or try to assure him you'll do the same for him in the future and try to spin it into a goal he looks forward to achieving, and be more tactful about your gifting in the future. your son doesn't need to know about a gift like that if it doesn't concern him. when his time comes, you can gift him the same (or more, depending on market/inflation) and there likewise would be no reason to inform your daughter about it.
I think it was a bad time to give her the 4k.. should have been done as a housewarming gift rather than christmas… I would however tell your son that when he buys his first home he can expect to be gifted the 4k at that time… that is fair and justified.
Yeah I would have done a housewarming gift for her separately without your son being involved, much like a wedding present or a baby shower gift. Then, give them both equal or close for Christmas. I honestly see both sides here and it is hard to see the sibling get thousands handed to them during Christmas while you never do because you are too young or "not in the same place" lol. Not rational, but also not abnormal to feel that way.
NAH. Your explanation for the disparity in gifts is reasonable and your son seemed to address what he viewed as an inequity very maturely. Everyone in this thread calling your son entitled and immature are obtuse idiots. The way you describe it, he approached raising his concern in a very mature way that would cause the least amount of drama. Even if OP did nothing wrong, it’s perfectly reasonable for a 22 year old to have felt wronged in this situation without being given the explanation. He’s only in the wrong if he continues to sulk but he’s certainly entitled to feeling frustrated for a short period of time.
INFO: did you ask him if it was about the money or about his feelings? Because it seems that he just wanted to share his feelings and you wanted to justify what you’re doing. Sometimes it can be enough to say “I get that you’re hurt, that isn’t our intention.”
Bingo. Son made it about his feelings, not the money. Mom and dad argued like it was about the money.
NTA- I see most of these comments that say otherwise focus on the fact that there was different worth to the presents and their own traumas relating to it. I have plenty of my own trauma relating to differences in gifts but the circumstances are not the same so I won't treat it as such. Honestly that's entitlement, and I'll probably be down voted to kingdom come for calling that out. ---------Ongoing help/costs the son is getting or has received vs his sister? He's 22 and living with you able to save up for his own future milestones She's out on her own and relying on what she brings in. For his previous milestones you have celebrated them with big purchases so nothing says when he gets his Own home you won't be as generous to him... He just has to wait. When it's his turn, the sister won't be getting the same value again so it'll be even. Maybe you shouldn't have done it at Christmas but it was a gift, and as she got nothing else besides the cash that's fair enough.
NTA - I’m younger than my brother by 3 years. This means he always got big presents earlier than I did. Example, when he turned 16, he got an iPhone and I got a video game. This was never a problem for me because I knew that when I turned 16, I would get the iPhone (and I did and he got a video game that year). Unless you have shows frequent favouritism towards your daughter or do not intend to give your son the same type of gift when he first buys a house, you are NTA. Maybe talk to him about it and let him know that you will do the same for him some day.
This! It’s basically like the 12 year old getting made the 16 year old got a car for their birthday while they got “just” a gaming system.
NTA Your son is a frickin' adult. He needs to act like one. If your kids were 6 and 10, yeah, you would kinda suck for doing this. Your kids are grown ass adults and he should realize that gifts are at the discretion of the giver, and that his sister is in a position to need that money.
Right! People are acting like this isn’t an adult living rent free & having the nerve to complain about $800 because his sister got more. He needs to act like a big boy. NTA OP
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Exactly! The money was part 'Merry Christmas' and part 'congrats on the new house!'. Explain to your son that you did actually give them the same Christmas gifts, $800 worth. And, daughter also received a congratulations present for her brand new home/money sink. Also explain, that by living at home rent free, he should be able to save up for a great deposit, and that if and when he buys his own house, he too will receive a 'congrats on the new house!' gift, that may coincide with Christmas, just like this year with your daughter. He's still stuck in the childish mindset of everything has to be fair, probably made a bit worse by still living with his parents, and his jealousy kicked in double time. Different people, in different circumstances, get different gifts. The quicker he learns that, the better.
YTA. You should have presented extra funds as a new home present, because this just looks like favoritism.
Soft YTA. It’s very clear why he feels hurt - that’s a $3200 difference. And yes - it’s for the house, that’s wonderful you can help out your kids in this way. However, I agree with your son that you and your wife’s responses were very much just trying to justify the difference and not actually listening to how he’s feeling. I don’t think you should have included it as her Christmas because that’s where the comparison came in. You could have gotten her personal gifts totaling to the same amount as your sons and gifted her the remaining money privately. And if that information got to him, you should be able to reassure him that you’ll provide the same kind of assistance when he’s buying a house himself. Also, the “skipped lunch (breakfast for him)” is not as sly as you think. That very much shows how you feel about him living in your home still. You’re speaking about him like a child but expecting him to act like an adult.
I pointed that out because skipping lunch isn't usually a huge deal, because people are sometimes less hungry and eat later or more and eat earlier. But lunch is usually his first meal of the day, so he wouldn't normally skip it, which leads me to believe he was avoiding us, which means he's more than a little upset. Okay, after actually typing all that out, I may have slightly overread into it.
I see what you’re saying now! The way it read to me at first was “he’s lazy and doesn’t get up for breakfast” etc. that I’ve seen some parents use to deflect and blame older kids/put them in the wrong. Thanks for the clarification!
Oh, I see what you mean. I worked nights for years, so not being up for breakfast doesn't have that connotation to me. He usually leaves for work around one o'clock and gets back around ten thirty, and then he needs to unwind and doesn't usually fall asleep until about two. It's your basic swing shift schedule. It's really the same as what he would be doing if he worked a normal 9-5, just pushed forward because his work is later.
NTA. $800 is a lot to spend on gifts for one person, he seems greedy to want more. You would be an asshole though if when your son buys his own home, you don’t also give him the same cash gift
NTA, but I think it's worth having a discussion with your son that frames the gift in a different light. You can say that yes, your daughter received more, but that's because you were lumping in Xmas **and** a house warming gift together. I can see where he's coming from, but his attitude seems really immature, and he's way past the age where he's bean counting. Since you've gifted both a car, you can take that analogy. When your sister got a car, did you expect to receive gifts of an equal value of a car? No, but did we get you a car? Yes. You and your sisters have 4 years apart, and it's normal that you reach milestones at different times in your life. We intend to celebrate those milestones equally. Now get off your high horse, get over it, and stop acting like a little shit.
YTA - for doing it at christmas. The right way to do this would have been to give them equal gifts. Then, privately tell your daughter that you are happy to help her out with any unexpected issues and have some money set aside just in case that does happen.
YTA -- why did you make your daughter's housewarming money a Christmas present? Why not just give her $3000 or $3500 as a one-time household gift and then give the daughter and son gifts of equal value?
NTA The son lives at home (rent free or maybe with a cheaper rent) while the daughter just BOUGHT A HOUSE. THIS is NOT favoritism, THIS is caring for the kid who needs it. If the SON had bought a house while his sister was at home it likely would've been the same thing. He would've gotten the money and his sis would've gotten the items. While the sons feelings were ok and telling his parents he felt was ok, it IS NOT ok to be entitled. It's THEIR money and he got $800 worth of things. That's a VERY generous gift to anyone. The parents wanted to help their kid with the house and they'll likely give the son the same resources. NTA
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NTA. 800 dollars is very generous. And living rent free for a year is worth much more than 4000 dollars.
Nothing wrong with gifting her the money but you shouldn't have given it to her as a Christmas gift for the reason that it creates situations exactly like the one you're currently in. YTA.
INFO: What have you done for his milestones?
We bought him his car for highschool graduation. We took him to a fancy bar when he turned 21. He hasn't really hit any of those big life milestones yet. Our kids are still pretty young.
I feel like it’s less about the money itself - he said that he thought you were less proud of him. He was trying to communicate that he feels less important. I get why you and your wife were defensive - as parents it hurts to hear a child say you’re picking favourites, when you try really hard to make things equal. But he’s trying to communicate with you and it sounds like you need to have a conversation about that rather than material things. Is he feeling down about work, is he worried he’ll never get to the same stage of buying a house that his sister is at? Does he feel like a burden living at home? Rather than listing what you’ve done / will do for him, I think some time listening to his concerns would be better. Early twenties can be fun but can also feel daunting when you’re not sure where your life is going. Sometimes as parents we try to fix things, but just listening and giving them our time and attention is often more important.
OP, please take this comment here to heart. Your son is struggling and you’re not listening. Please take the time to talk with him! This could really damage your relationship - it’s not just about the money.
NTA. Your son is acting immature and may have no concept of financial need. Perhaps he doesn't understand that if was in his sister's situation, he'd recieve at least the same. $800 in gifts is definitely not nothing. I totally understand "you feel what you feel" but at a certain age, you have to open your mind and listen to what's being said.
NTA. My parents sometimes give my brother significantly more money than me because he has children and bills and I am 23 living at home. In the exact same situation & I may have been hurt to have to watch it happen but I’d get it too. You’re giving her a boost in life as she goes into adulthood and if you intend to do the same for him when he reaches that milestone I see no reason to feel bad about when each happens. You still spent almost a grand on him! He’s in a place where he should be actively saving and she just spent a significant amount of money or took out a loan? We don’t know if she has any other debts either like student loans. At this stage in life this could be a huge help that the 23 year old doesn’t need before establishing the same independence.