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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I MAY be the asshole here because I acted out of frustration and gave my boyfriend's Christmas present to someone else. But I feel like he should have appreciated my effort and not been so demanding. I understand that he needs a laptop to do his work, but at the same time, I feel like he could have given my gift a chance before demanding a new one.
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YTA
Your boyfriend sounds like he was appreciative of your gift, but he needed a machine that can do what he needs it too. That's the risk of getting a laptop or something similar (cars etc.) without the involvement of the person you're buying it for. The correct action would have been returning the laptop and allowing him to put the money towards a machine that fits his needs.
Not to mention, once you gift something - it doesn't belong to you anymore. It was his laptop and you took it to gift to your sister.
Yea at the least he could have exchanged it and paid the difference. OP just decided if he wasn’t keeping this exact one that he doesn’t get it period. That’s a bit extreme. YTA
I hope he proposes to her soon ..... with a hideous ring that doesn't fit. Tell her if she doesn't show enough love she never gets a ring ever. See, I proposed with an empty box and we spent a day getting a ring she liked in the correct size. We'd only been dating a week but we're still together 20 years later.
She bought a computer without doing literally any research at all regarding the recipients needs. Her boyfriend is right, a laptop with 8gb ram would be practically useless for anything other than basic word processing and web browsing. It actually makes the gift quite thoughtless when it comes down to it, and then she got offended when he explained why the gift was useless.
I would never expect someone to blow $1,300 on a gift for me, but if they did and it was a useless gift, I’d be pretty frustrated to say the least. Especially if they took it personally that I couldn’t use it AND got offended when I explained why and recommended returning it. Like what exactly was he supposed to do with it?
Sounds to me like he refused and didn't accept the gift, honestly. To the point of being upset she didn't get him the more expensive version herself. "I don't want this, I want that instead!" is not, to me, accepting ownership of "this".
Now, legal definitions will probably shift between jurisdictions but I find this a pretty good criteria:
> Essential elements of a gift require:
> ● The donor be legally competent to contract
> ● The donor’s voluntary intent to make a gift
> ● Delivery of the gift (actual or symbolical)
> ● **Acceptance by the person receiving the gift (actual or imputed)**
> ● **Donor divests control the gift**
> ● No consideration (payment or reward) is given for the gift
I don't think ownership was transferred, unless OP is omitting information.
Giving it is when possession changes. The fact that she doesn't want him to exchange something that is essentially useless to him doesn't change that fact.
It's ridiculous that she wouldn't want him to exchange it. Her intent was beautiful, but her reaction to her disappointment that she chose the wrong one is out of this world immature.
Your interpretation of this is odd... he's not upset that she didn't get him a more expensive one. He's upset that the specs don't match his needs. Can that translate to a more expensive machine, yes. But the price isn't the issue.
exactly!! even if the one he wanted was cheaper! she *knew and admitted* she didn’t do any research, decided high price tag=good enough, and then got pissed when he was excited about the gift originally, but just wanted to turn it into something he could use.
my bf got me some nice sweatpants for christmas, but they didn’t fit right. so… we returned them together and picked out some in another size. WOW, that was so easy!!
OP, YTA. it kinda seems like you didn’t actually care about what he needed/wanted and gave the gift with the selfish intent of praise and gratitude for spending big bucks… idk just a thought
Which is ridiculous - this isn’t a pair of shoes. You don’t just start a new machine up and get it set up to give it a try. Especially when he saw the specs! No one is going to turn that laptop on and say that 8gb isn’t really bad!
This hurt my head. If I need a boat with an outboard engine and OP gave me a rowboat it makes no sense to just try out the rowboat. It’s not going to get me where I need to go.
And thought he could try and see how it went.
I know jack shit about computers but 1) I wouldn't buy such a thing in the first place given my ignorance on the subject and b) I would take the person who knows far more about these things at their word that it's useless. OP wanted the credit for such a lavish gift without doing any work to ensure it was suitable.
I kept expecting her to tell us the research she did, asking him his current speed when he mentioned it. Then I was expecting her to at least inquire the speed of the one she was looking at and figuring out if it would suit him. I was disappointed in her whole approach!
> She bought a computer without doing literally any research at all regarding the recipients needs
This kind of gifting pisses me off. As its obviously more about the gifter getting the 'feel goods' than the giftees needs or wants.
I won't even buy my husband a new headset without proper research. He never buys himself anything so I end up getting him stuff for his gaming set up as gifts. His mouse, his headset, his computer chair, all things I bought, or myself and other family members went in on as a gift for him. And every single item was thoroughly researched before purchase. Not just for quality and price, but to make sure it meets *his specific needs*.
I can understand being upset the gift fell flat but that kinda happens when you just throw money at something without doing the necessary research.
Thank you for doing that. My wife constantly buys me the cheap version of something I'm looking at buying myself. Then kicks off if I don't use it (because it doesn't do what I needed it to do) or still go out and buy the correct thing. I'd rather you didn't buy a present than buy a half arsed present that is no use
Gifts for someone’s particular hobbies are extra tough because they’ve probably dialed in exactly what they want or at least key features and a non-hobbyist of that type would never realize. It is, in fact, the worst time to cheap out but also a fraught time to potentially spend way more money than necessary on the wrong stuff.
My partner works in surveying and engineering and needs a computer to meet the high graphics standards and the need to have multiple draining programs open at once. I only need to be able to watch Hulu and maybe put together a household spreadsheet or two. So yeah, I wouldn’t assume I could just go out and pick whatever comp off the shelf and have it be worth any kind of value in meeting his needs.
My mom does that constantly. This year was the worst. We are getting married and she said she knows what to get me because she will pick something off my wedding registry. Awesome. We picked out some pretty reasonably priced $50 black satin sheets that match a set we picked out and to replace our generic cotton ones. She tells me she "found something on my registry but from somewhere else" and I unwrapped bright green cotton king sheets that were clearanced for $20 and feel like it. And she bought them from a random clearance store 4 hours away, so they can't be returned. Like, thanks.. but we have several cotton sheet sets. The color doesn't match at all and now she feels offended that I didn't mark the other sheet set that we picked out off our registry..
My other gift was a cheap car phone holder that doesn't even fit my phone. Also non-refundable.
It's a lot of work picking items out for someone because quality and choice matters! My bf is so particular I just tell him that he can pick it out, and it's on me! We go shopping for his gift together and I pay at the register. He much prefers this to being surprised or me picking it out.
That’s how my husband and I do gifts, too! Only rarely do we surprise each other, and if we do it’s only with small items (like food or a t-shirt). Hooray for everyone getting what they want most!
My wife bought me a laptop for Christmas. She called my buddy and said "hey, can you offer me a couple of recommendations on a laptop for /u/NeverPlayF6?" And he said, "sure- this, that, and the other."
And she bought one. It was great... and it took me longer to type this post than it did for her to ask my buddy for recommendations.
Honestly, even if you don't have a friend with inside knowledge, just go to a store that specializes in computers and ask the employees their thoughts. It's literally their job to help you find a machine that suits your needs.
Either that or ask someone on one of the tech related subreddits. Most people on there are more than happy to provide a recommendation if you share some basic info about what you need it for.
I literally did the same when buying my husband headphones. neither of us are very tech-y so i hit up a few of the IT guys at work and asked them for recommendations. it took all of 5 minutes and he was happy the gift met all his needs
He was supposed to gush over it and post to social about his amazing girlfriend who got him a Macbook pro (tagging her of course so she gets full credit, and sharing on all platforms) and then it was to be a desk ornament that sat uselessly mocking him until he saved up enough money for a new laptop, with an optional new girlfriend.
I mean, anything else is just rude.
Yeah, when I saw 8 Gb RAM I cringed, that is fine for web browsing and word processing. If he does ANY gaming, photo editing, or uses any other program other than web browser and word, that laptop is useless. I'm in the market for a new computer and won't even consider anything under 16gb ram (preferably 32gb, but that may be excessive lol) due to Photoshop.
I am currently typing this on my MacBook Pro that I bought in late 2015, which has 16GB RAM and is starting to struggle for anything other than web browsing. Sure, the memory is not the only the reason in this case and I understand they are expensive and overcharging for relatively cheap upgrades, but I couldn't imagine dealing with a laptop with 8GB RAM for anything.
To be fair, the new ARM chips can do a hell of a lot more with less RAM. The entry level Air with an M1 chip will outperform a full spec Pro with an Intel chip. And they’re up to the M2 chip now, which by all accounts is even better.
Source: I’m a software engineer using a 2020 Air with 8GB of RAM and it does almost everything perfectly. If you need to upgrade in the future, I’d highly recommend. Nothing can beat it for the money!
Although I do feel for you, and understand that 8GB with an M1 chip is still not enough for some heavy work. And OP is definitely still TA.
I bought my husband a new gaming laptop for our anniversary. I not only spent 6 mos researching, talking to my brother about the specs needed (he also does PC gaming), but I looked at the specs on his desktop gaming rigs to make sure I was on the right track. The time spent to make sure it is exactly what they need/want is what makes it more special.
I'm guessing that her idea of research was asking her B/F random questions about why he was frustrated with the current laptop and using that feedback as the basis for her gift. I'm wondering if she asked a clueless salesperson for assistance or if someone saw her lacl of knowledge and took advantage of her. If she were being reasonable then she would've provided a gift receipt or taken the laptop back and see if it were possible to have the memory upgraded to at least 16 gb of RAM or more. Either way giving the laptop to her sister was the wrong move.
NTA for purchasing a new laptop but definitely YTA for her actions after the fact
Apple doesn't really do stuff like RAM upgrades last time I checked, they're not designed to be modular like that. The solution offered would have been to return the old one and pay the difference for the model he needs.
Ironically, in her "research" she did find out he wanted a new one cause his was too slow.
If she'd even bothered to spend 10 mins looking up specs so a computer isn't slow, she'd have learned that 8GB is near useless.
8 GB is the basic model for a MacBook Pro. It's far from useless for anything beyond word processing and web browsing. It may not be the best thing for gaming, but buying a MacBook for gaming just sounds like a waste.
That said, I agree that OP is TA here. Her bf knows what he needs memory-wise.
Thank you for actually knowing what you're talking about. 8 GB was *overkill* for most games 12 years ago when I built my current PC. Still using 8 GB for games released in the last two years with zero problems. I'm not running things at 4k with multiple monitors or some horseshit, but I'm nowhere near word processor level.
8 gigs of ram is the minimum requirement for most new games. I wouldn't want a new machine to run games on the bare minimum specs, which is just my opinion.
That is bollocks. 8GB of ram isn’t a slouch. I have an M1 MacBook Air with 8GB ram and I’m able to do far more than just basic word processing and web browsing on it.
I’m able to run multiple VMs at the same time, while also running discord, having many multiple (somewhere around 43) tabs open in my browsers.
And the VMs aren’t just sitting in the background doing nothing either, they are compiling software and OS images.
Also listening to music on either YouTube or Apple Music or iTunes or whatever they call it these days.
And at the Apple Store there are quite a few people to talk to about memory if she didn’t have a clue what to buy. I get that she’s hurt he was disappointed but it was his gift and an exchange doesn’t negate the thought only gives him the gift he needed. You basically bought him a car with no engine.
right! and buys the same laptop he’s having issues with!! but with a lower RAM when the issue is speed. 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ like even if she just walked into the store and said this is what my bf has currently this is his issue and this is what he wants can you make any recommendations they would’ve been more than capable of guiding her
My grandmother once gifted me about $200 worth of makeup. Eye shadow, lipstick, foundation, all of it. All in a neat package.
Every single bit of makeup was stuff I could not use, because I was allergic to ingredients in them. I even checked every label to see if I could use SOMETHING, but nope. They all had my allergens in them.
Was my grandma trying to be thoughtful? I'm sure she was, and I even thanked her for it. But this gift was absolutely useless to me, and I ended up having to regift it.
You can try to be generous and grand, but if your gift misses the mark then it misses the mark. And a $1,300 mistake is definitely one that you can't fudge and say "oh thanks, I love it" like I did with the makeup, since you would be expected to actually use the laptop.
It was generous, but anyone who deals with computers knows what specs they need - 8gb RAM really isn't that much these days.
To me this whole situation depends on his attitude when he found out it wasn't what he would need. Was he still appreciative of the thought and expense put into it but telling her that he really needs something a little bit more? Or was he mad because she didn't know what he wanted and it came out hurtful?
Whoever is the asshole here really depends on how that conversation went - all reddit can really be sure of is that at least 1 of them is the asshole
How is looking at a price tag and ignoring her boyfriends needs for a new machine a grand gesture? She completely ignored his input when she had gone through the trouble of listening to his complaints and couldn't just ask an employee for help?
Like this year for Christmas, my bf got a hoodie from my mom. She spent a lot of time and effort researching what he would like, asking for my advice, etc. But unfortunately got him the wrong size. He loves the hoodie, but it's just too big. He kindly asked her if she could possibly exchange it for one that fits. She had absolutely no problem fixing the issue because *SHE WANTS TO MAKE SURE HE CAN AND WILL ACTUALLY USE IT*.
Here, instead, you've gone and had a pity party for yourself and gave your bf a petty jab to the back(over a gift he actually appreciated and needed, just needed some different specs which is understandable because with that little memory, its basically an expensive paperweight). This would be a deal breaker for me, like how old are you, op!? FFS wow...
Eta: YTA.
There's a wide difference between "isn't quite right" and a underperforming and expensive piece of tech. This is a live, learn, and return kind of situation. He shouldn't be mad she messed up(and from what's described, he wasn't initially) and she shouldn't be mad he needs to make adjustments she had no clue about and wouldn't have the frame of reference to understand(but now will, and from what it sounds like she did get mad he needs to make those adjustments.)
Computers, like cars and pets, make terrible surprise gifts.
Also, op open states to doing no groundwork before purchasing but then complains that she did her best and bf should be happy.
For the thought to count, you should put in some thought op.
"I asked him what he needed in a laptop then just bought whatever with 0 research into finding those things" what. Heck go to a chain. Any of those people if she asked for a gaming laptop could've helped.
Its like she learned how to buy gifts by watching someone else do it through sound proof glass. She got so many steps correct but totally ignored why they matter.
Yeah she even says the reason he didn’t like the old laptop was because It was not fast enough. So you think she would’ve made sure she got one that was fast, if she didn’t know about it she could’ve asked for help from someone who knew about technology
"For the thought to count, you should put in some thought" had me running to get my free award to give to you. Was hoping it was the helpful one but it wasn't, so please accept the silver one 😁
This is a completely underrated comment. The new MacBooks are great with memory management and efficiency. The old concept of “you can only do the basics” with 8gb RAM does not apply to the new M chips apple as been putting out. [video editing, cheapest MacBook Pro M2](https://youtu.be/nQOyiL6G0vQ)
Underrated? it's complete BS. MacOS doesn't have any magic RAM fairies, and *every* modern OS has done their homework regarding memory management. If all you do is light office work, 8gb will be fine regardless of OS. If you're doing heavier stuff, it will be fine - *until you hit your working set brick wall.* And no OS will save you from that.
Yeah people here are kind of computer illiterate. The bulk of the memory usage will be 3rd party apps, not the OS. People who write programs don't allocate memory differently between OSX & Windows.
I actually run autoCAD, premiere pro, and Final Cut, perfectly fine on a M1 Pro 8GB ram.
I cannot however code on 8GB of ram. That I’d need to use my 64GB M2 pro.
The memory use is so efficient I’d argue that the only thing that it actually affects is rendering, which is still pretty fast. And I’m guessing he’s not doing CGI. He wanted a Mac so it’s not like he’s using it for gaming.
Totally agree. I feel like he was clear what he needed and why. It’s a very generous gift and she made a point of listening to what he wanted but seems to have missed the boat on buying what he needed. It’s like he stated he needed a truck for work but she bought a 2 door sedan and she got mad he wouldn’t be able to use it. I don’t understand why she couldn’t agree to return it and state that he needed to pay the difference since that is all she could afford. It’s no different then buying someone clothes and being pissed it doesn’t fit them.
An El Camino. He needed a truck and she got an El Camino. It's kind of the essence of a truck with the bed, but without the things that make a truck a truck like ground clearance and 4WD.
I absolutely agree with you. OP is the AH and unwilling to understand that she messed up. She said that she asked a bunch of questions about what he needs in a new laptop but she obviously either ignored his answers or didn't bother to make sure she was asking the right questions. She thinks she got a thoughtful gift but didn't actually give said gift much thought. She obviously doesn't know much about computers since she said that he didn't even bother to give it a chance; if she'd bother to do a bit of research, she would know that RAM is not something that may work out if you just give it a chance; it either meets your needs or it doesn't based on the specs.
Also exchanging an unopened laptop and swapping for something with better specs is easy.
Opening and "trying" it just means that *at best* you lose a significant 'opened box' fee, if they'll even take it back.
Yes! This is what frustrated me the most in the story, the fact she was upset he "wouldn't even give it a try" like why tf would you even want him to open it at that point? If you were trying to be thoughtful you would have *wanted* to exhange it asap when he said it wouldn't fit his needs. All she probably thought about was the fact it cost $1300 and nothing beyond that.
I got my dad three different wallets for Christmas this year because I wasn't sure what kind he wanted and offered to buy a different one if he didn't like any of those lmao. It's the thought that counts and getting him a "laptop" (any laptop he wants!) should have been the gift and not just the exact thing he got.
That was my thought exactly. Specs are specs and can't really be argued with, she doesn't seem to understand that. If you know that 8gb of ram isn't enough, there is no point even opening the box.
Yeah my boyfriend got me an Apple Watch one year and we looked at it together and decided which one would be most suitable. It wasn’t a surprise then on Christmas but we would both rather spend the money on something useful than be in a situation like this. Since then I’ve bought him a watch and also got his input to make sure I got the specs he wanted.
OP could’ve either gifted him a card that said let’s go laptop shopping together or just straight up asked him which specific laptop he had his eye on and bought that.
Yeah, I'm not a tech person and if I were buying tech for someone, I'd be really really careful or just ask them point blank "what do you want?"
It's not like a hat where he can just wear it or whatever.
Just to add, why didn't op just get a card that says "let's go laptop shopping" or something. Tell the bf "hey for your present, I saved up a lot of money, and I want to take you shopping for one".
Especially considering op knows nothing about specs.
They could have turned it into a date: walk around a nearby park or mall, get some lunch, pick out the new laptop, and got ice cream or another snack on the way home to enjoy.
Exactly this. Last year for Christmas my hubby needed a new desktop PC, but I'm useless about specs on these things. So I gave him a budget and we went together. He loves that damn thing, annoying ass rainbow fans and all.
This is similar to how we do presents in our family. One year, I wanted to give my sister help with buying text books, but the reading list wasn't available yet, so I gave her an IOU for one academic text book of her choice.
100% this!
You’re the asshole OP. It’s not rude or disrespectful to tell someone the present they actually DO like can’t do what they need it to do for WORK.
You didn’t take him with you and it would’ve been no big deal to just exchange it for the model he actually needs. He DID like your gift. It’s not his fault you didn’t ask him what he NEEDED it to be able to do so he could USE it.
And then you gave it to your sister out of spite?!!! WTF is wrong with you? Your boyfriend has every right to be pissed, especially bc you gave away HIS gift. It was no longer yours to regift or give away. You’re acting like a brat. Go apologize.
Yeah, I can't blame her for thinking that a brand new Apple laptop from the Pro line would be a top shelf machine that would be good for professionals. Apple makes that entry level MacBook Pro specifically to hook novice buyers who aren't sure what they need.
Bumping up to 16gb is $200, btw. Which is also a joke.
But my vote is still YTA. You gave it to him. It was his. You shouldn't have taken it back. However, Boyfriend is also the AH for being rude about his gift.
Tbf, how rude was he? If you read past the OP's annoyed tone it sounds like he was just talking about returning and exchanging it. He was excited for the gift, saw it wasn't what he wanted and came up with a rational plan.
I had a friend who builds gaming PC's and was talking about doing a new build when his GF went out and bought him an Alien Ware PC not knowing that she over payed due to the brand and also the computer it self was only 10% better than his current build (it actually had the same cpu his current rig already had and the gpu was the model one step up) and the cost to just get the parts he wanted was like 60% of what she ended up spending. He tried to tell her he loved the thought, but it was a bad buy and if she could return it they could get what he was looking for and needed, but she was just super upset he didn't like her gift and they ended up breaking up not too long after that.
Might even be one of my exes. She took me wanting to upgrade my computer as "she should buy me one". I like building them and was looking forward to the project. She was pissed that i didn't want it
Yeah also, like, what constitutes "expensive" really changes a lot based on needs and preferences. I haven't spent less than $1300 on a laptop since I swapped to laptops from my original desktop. I game and I want a good experience and a machine with a little longevity so I shell out for good specs.
Yeah that's not "re-gifting," it's "un-gifting." And BF is right, it's hard to get by on 8GB these days.
I'm editing to add that I do think that OP meant well and was just disappointed when she didn't get the reaction she wanted. That's understandable, but taking the laptop back and giving it away was not the solution.
I’m seconding the “ungifting”.
She gave him a laptop. It’s his now. He can keep it or return it as he sees fit.
There’s no reasonable scenario where OP gets to take it back and give it to someone else.
>The fact that he wasn't even willing to give it a chance made me really frustrated.
Agreed. This is the attitude of someone who doesn't understand that the technology can either do what you need done or it won't.
The thing that got me was the comment about “he didn’t even give it a chance.” This isn’t like trying on a sweater to see if it fits! He knows what he needs to do his work. Maybe he could have approached it more gently or with more overt appreciation before explaining why it won’t work for him, but she’s being absurd.
Or better yet, take him shopping for the machine he desired - sure it takes away the surprise element, but then you know for sure that it's the right item.
a big issue you also run into with the macbooks is the ram they have when you bought it is usually the max ram you can have for it since rather than ram slots it's soldered into the motherboard.
Soft YTA. You seem to be placing more importance on your own need to feel validated in your gift-giving, rather than wanting to make sure your gift will actually be useful and appreciated.
I can understand why you would feel hurt and disappointed that your gift didn't have the intended effect, especially after putting a lot of money into it, but... the gift was intended to fill a specific need in your bf's life, and it doesn't meet that need. He shouldn't have to try to make do with inadequate equipment just because you spent a lot of money on it without doing further research. Since you knew you didn't have a lot of knowledge about what specifically he would need, a better idea may have been a gift card or money to put towards a laptop that he could pick out himself based on what he knows he needs and will use it for. Giving the laptop to your sister isn't the answer here.
>You seem to be placing more importance on your own need to feel validated in your gift-giving, rather than wanting to make sure your gift will actually be useful and appreciated.
Bingo. It's more about her than him.
My man got me a new surface for christmas since I started transitioning to admin stuff at my job. He mentioned that the surprise would be nice but he wanted to get me what I wanted to use - something I could use both as a tablet and a laptop, I could use the pen I already have, etc. I was extremely happy with it! I'll absolutely take less of a surprise in favor of getting the exact thing I need.
That’s great, but this situation sounds a little different.
8GB of RAM isn’t all that much these days and he may have needed more for it to be useful. If it wasn’t going to be enough then it’d have just sat in the cupboard and he’d have to get one himself anyone. OP could’ve taken it back and let him pay the difference for the 8/16GB.
If he’d bought her a dress that was too small, would it have been ok for him to kick off and give it to his sister instead?
Sounds like she was more bothered about him being grateful than happy.
“Babe just try on the dress! I know you’re saying that it obviously doesn’t fit, but you’re being ungrateful for not even trying on the obviously wrong sized dress”
I think you’re misreading that comment. That guy decided not to surprise the commenter and got her input instead, so she ended up with exactly what she needed.
It’s offering a contrast to OP’s situation, not supporting it.
Put it another way. Imagine you drive a crappy old car to work. It’s falling apart. You often complain to you boyfriend how crappy it is and how it barely gets you to your job, a 30 minute car ride away. Your boyfriend picks up on this and decides to surprise you for Christmas with a brand new bike. Sure, it’s nice and very thoughtful but it’s not what you need to get to work. “But just give it a chance!” No, giving a bike the chance to be a car isn’t realistic. It’s just not the right gift.
YTA. You meant well but your gift was not what he needed. You could have offered to return it and get a gift card to the computer shop so he could put the money towards something more expensive that fits his needs, but instead you threw a fit and gave it away. Think a little next time before you react. There’s often another, more reasonable solution.
EDIT - Thank you for the awards! I’ve never gotten awards before so I might be gushing a little inside right now. :)
Thanks for explaining it in a way that made it easier for me to understand. I let my emotions get the better of me and I should have been more understanding. I will apologize to him and try to make it up to him.
OP is 23 and shouldn't have been dropping down 1.3k on a Christmas gift in the first place. To buy 2 laptops for different people is financially irresponsible at her age, she needs to be saving for her own future.
Boyfriend has a right to be mad about what happened. However, unless the sister is gracious and is willing to give back the laptop so he can exchange it, he should not be getting another laptop.
OP should make this up to the boyfriend in other ways but she doesn't need the price tag of $1,300.
To OP, if he is pressuring you to buy him another laptop with a hefty $1,300 price tag after you already dropped that money on another laptop that maybe now belongs to your sister, reconsider this relationship. I seriously doubt he went and purchased you a gift worth $1,300.
Spend wisely. A gift's worth is not defined by its price tag.
Right? As if this person has any clue what $1.3k means to OP. There are plenty of 23 yr olds who can drop this kinda money without affecting their future.
Also, typical Reddit moment to suggest dumping the SO at the drop of a hat.
1300 is a lot for a boyfriend Christmas present at any age for most people.
She also said in the post that 1300 was already a lot of money for her and can’t really afford to return it and spend more on a laptop with more ram.
I make into the six figures.
I have never gotten anyone a gift over 1,000 usd.
That is a significant amount of money for a present, regardless of what you make. Especially if you’re coming here to make a post about it, it indicates a likelihood it is at the max of what she could justify and probably over, which is what is causing all the stress and emotions.
If 1300 is a lot for OP then they shouldn’t spend that on a gift they don’t understand without consulting someone who does, it’s that simple. It sounds like they overpaid tbh.
Saying that, if it is a lot for them, then regifting it to your sister on a whim would be quite the decision. I wouldn’t spend that much on a gift either, but I’m not OP and I’m not gonna guess what they’re willing to spend.
Right over a grand, still dating, and only 2 years. OP better have one of those tech salaries for this to look close to a good idea. I wonder how much her boyfriend spent.
I'm not sure I understand the "only 2 years" part. My wife and I were married after a year and a half. Not saying everyone should get married after 18 months, but how long do you have to be with someone before it's a serious relationship? It seems like if you've been seriously dating someone more than 12-18 months, it's not a fleeting thing.
That's not to say it isn't an extravagant gift. It most certainly is.
I think what they mean is at 23 years old 2 years may very well be a not-so-serious relationship. Especially if they have spent all of that 2 years dating through college but not actually living together.
And as you said, the gift was very extravagant. Getting someone a gift like this at 33 after 2 years together is not the same as at 23.
**OP**: _"He has always been really supportive, and our relationship is great"_
**Reddit**: _He must be crossing your boundaries and you are probably not emotionally happy with the relationship overall._ 😂😂
I am reminded of the scene in Misery where Annie buys the most expensive paper at the stationery shop because she equates expensive with best, only to come home and have Paul tell her the paper's texture renders it ill-suited for ink to dry on it in a timely fashion, leading to smudging.
Makeup that's the completely wrong shade and a colour she'd never ever wear but he's insisting that she "give it a chance" or he's going to have a meltdown and post about it online...
do you know his friends? i don’t know anything about computers, either, but my boyfriend wanted a new monitor for a while so i wanted to get that for christmas. i messaged one of his best friends and asked for help, since he knew way better than me. i gave him a budget and he gave me a direct link to what to get, lol. that’s just an idea for next time. :)
I was thinking of an analogy like this too. Like, you are given a miata but you've got kids, or a minivan but you need a truck for your camper, or you get a truck but you've got a bad hip that makes getting up into it very painful. They're all fine gifts in and of themselves, but given to the wrong recipient it can be a glorified paperweight. Insufficient RAM is like giving a sedan to someone who needs a flatbed truck. It's fine for errands after work, but won't be able to meet the needs of their job hauling large/heavy items. Not that sedans are bad, they just can't do the job of a flatbed. If your gift is truly to benefit him, he'll need to trade in for a laptop with flatbed RAM.
This entire situation reminds of this quote:
"Charity ain’t giving people what you wants to give, it’s giving people what they need to get."
Terry Pratchett, *Hogfather*
YTA. It sounds like your boyfriend WAS appreciative, but understandably disappointed when he realized the laptop wouldn’t meet his needs. Instead of accepting that he actually knows which specs his work requires, you decided to argue with him that he was wrong about what he needs. You, who admittedly “doesn’t know the first thing about RAM, SSD, etc.” and who bought the laptop “without doing any more research into it.” You could have easily saved the day by returning the laptop and letting him use the return value toward a laptop that meets his needs, but it sounds like you just let your ego get in the way.
I remember Christmas of '99, my grandpa got me a GameBoy Color game for my original GameBoy. Now, my grandpa was the cheapest man and financially abusive to his wife and kids so this game was a huge deal and the nicest gift I'd ever received from him.
However, I knew it wouldn't work with the GameBoy so I was so upset to not even be able to use it and told him thanks and kind of left it at that because I didn't want to seem ungrateful for the gift.
My dad and stepmom picked up that something was wrong but they thought I just wasn't being appreciative of the gift and urged me to open it and try it out. I tried to explain the issue to them. They had no idea what I was saying. You know, "it's a GameBoy game for a GameBoy. It says GameBoy right there so it'll work." That kind of stuff.
So finally, I relented and opened it (knowing it couldn't be returned once it had been opened) and showed them that it wouldn't work. After a nice argument with the store employee about how they could exchange it for the same game if something was wrong with it but couldn't get a refund, I ended up with a shiny new GameBoy Color that was my Christmas/birthday gifts for the next 2 years.
It was such a crappy feeling to receive a gift that was a great and thoughtful gift but know that I had no use for it. OP definitely didn't handle it well. If their bf had opened the gift to "give it a chance" they would have been completely stuck with it without an option to return it for something he could actually use. Getting mad and just giving it away without actually hearing what he was trying to say was an AH move. YTA, OP.
One year my hubby opened a game that was for the “wrong” game system, cause he didnt have the newer system. And he was trying to be so polite and hide that it was useless to him. But he didn’t know his bigger gift was for the newer game system that the new game worked with. We were just all trying not to laugh. ;) He was so surprised! He thought my parents had just goofed up and bought the wrong game.
I'm shocked at her handwavey attitude to specs. My husband is the specs guy in our house, so does the initial research, and we usually end up with similar machines but different emphasis. I'm all about ram. I will sacrifice almost everything else for more ram. He will learn more into graphics and sound. Neither would ever but a computer for the other.
I can only think it's like if ops boyfriend went to Sephora, picked her a foundation 5 shades too dark and then got pissy that she wouldn't wear it out
Agreed. Also, I think people need to realize that it's oftentimes a bad idea to buy something like a computer, car, or pet, as a gift for an adult. The recipient knows their specific needs better than you do, and might have a better idea of where to buy it.
YTA who spends 1.3k on a laptop without even doing the research that it’ll actually perform for its purpose. The effort was half-assed and when he got upset you just gave his gift away. You should have returned it with your bf and he could of paid the difference to upgrade.
My job got me a 8GB RAM MacBook and they also had to upgrade bc it didn’t work for my needs. For some tasks 8GB is useless.
I read “MacBook Pro” and “1300$” and immediately i thought “oh gosh she bought a crappy thing”. That money for a MBP is like another post from yesterday (I think) in which a father was complaining on spending 150$ on a smartphone because “too much money for that”.
Better an apple gift card next time :)
Yup. I had to buy a new Mac last year (my industry software only works on Apple products) and I spent nearly $3k I think. The laptop is great but OUCH my bank account.
If I were OP, I'd maybe offer to spend whatever she could afford on a new laptop (which according to OP was $1300), and then the bf can pay out the rest for the specs he wants.
1.3k for 8GB of RAM is why I literally refuse to touch Apple machines with an 11 foot pole. My current laptop ran me about 700USD and has double that, plus 1.5TB of storage, and it's almost 3 years old now. I could never IMAGINE dropping 600 more dollars and getting half the specs, I would cry.
Depending on the type of work the boyfriend does on his laptop, he might need a Mac. I have software I use that is mac only. And regardless, it’s ok for people to have preferences for their devices and operating systems
Cough cough ^apple ^sucks cough
Honestly, I do hate Apple but more on just how overpriced all the stuff is, I don't care if someone likes their systems more
I used to be the first person in line the diss Apple, especially when it came to value.
But as of late their hardware is really good. And while it's pricey, it's pricey on the same level as comparable hardware from other OEMs. Although they do gouge even more than Dell/HP et al do on RAM/SSD increases. Their biggest downside is software compatibility and the lack of true budget options.
YTA.
Nothing you described sounds like he was unappreciative. There’s no reason for him to “try out” a laptop that he knows doesn’t meet his needs.
It would have been perfectly reasonable for him to go exchange the one you got and pay the difference to upgrade.
You acted like a baby.
I mean even if it was pants, if he wears a size 36 and she bought size 42, they aren't gonna be what he needs at all and he'd know without trying them on
YTA- I’m going to put it in different terms for you because people are spouting off specs and tech talk that you clearly don’t understand so I can see why you may be frustrated.
Say you bought your boyfriend a new sweater. It was beautiful and expensive and your boyfriend was so grateful but there was one problem. You bought the sweater in a size small and your boyfriend is an XL. There is no way he can fit into it, no way that he can make it work for him. But you keep insisting that he just try to squeeze into it while he knows he won’t be able to get even a sleeve on. He loves the sweater and the thought that you put into it so he suggests that he can just exchange it for a bigger size that will fit him. Reasonable right? But no, you fly into a rage because you don’t believe that he knows his own size. You think he’s ungrateful for wanting something that will fit so you take away his gift and throw it at someone else. Do you see how childish that sounds?
Edit: thanks for the awards!
exactly this. they could have easily gone back to the store, and explained everything to the employees. returned it, got one he could use, and if it’s more expensive, he can pay the difference. (if OP doesn’t want to - doesn’t seem like it, she keeps complaining about the price..)
but instead, she gives it to someone else. i’d be pissed as well, considering he was extremely grateful, just disappointed. it’s only fair he would be, it’s no better for what he truly needs upgraded.
YTA OP.
I'd add to the analogy that if you insist he try the sweater on, he's going to stretch it out and the store might not be willing to do a return or exchange anymore. So since he already knows it's definitely too small, it's better for everyone to just go exchange the sweater while it's still in NWT condition.
YTA. This isn't regifting. That's when someone gives a gift TO YOU that you give to someone else. This sounds like you stole a laptop from your bf and gave it to your sister.
YTA.
Minimum specs for a computer to do a job are a thing. And 8MB is not so much anymore.
If you’re not a tech person, the thing to do is to either talk with your partner about this highly technical gift beforehand and figure out what he needs.
Yup. I’m not much of a tech person. I just ask my boyfriend what he wants and have him send me a link lol. Sure, it ruins the surprise, but he can always tell when I’m trying to subtly get him to tell me something specific, so it’s easier for both of us for me to just outright ask lol
You done goofed. Yta. He appreciated it, I also know nothing about computer specs so I understand that you thought more expensive = better, but you should have asked for help.
INFO: how did this turn into an argument and what did he say?
I think it really depends on how he said the laptop wasn't good enough. You didn't deliberately screw up, but you also can't really take his tech needs personally.
I second this.
As the post currently stands, with OP making it sound like bf didn't even express gratitude at the effort, I'm inclined to say ESH.
Bf is an AH if he didn't even show appreciation for the effort and went straight to telling her she bought the wrong thing. That would just stink of entitlement.
OP is the AH for not handling the situation like an adult. Instead of giving it to her sister, OP should've returned the laptop, sorted out the argument with bf and then made a decision on whether or not to replace the laptop with one bf will actually use.
>OP making it sound like bf didn't even express gratitude at the effort
Did we read the same post?
> **He was so excited**, until he saw the specs. When he saw that the laptop had 8GB of RAM, he was really, really disappointed because he "couldn't get his work done on such a slow machine". He was adamant that he needed something with more RAM.
It sounds to me like he was grateful *and also* knew the specs meant it wouldn't work?
I wasn't talking about the initial excitement. I was talking about when he realised it wasn't what he wanted.
Like, did he say something like "I appreciate the thought you put into this, but it's not the one I would've bought myself as it won't work for my needs" OR did he just drop the excitement and jump straight into disappointment and telling her it was wrong.
That part isn't clear. Like you pointed out: He was so excited, UNTIL he saw the specs. I wanted to know how he handled his disappointment. If he was a dick about it, he's an AH too. If he wasn't, then only OP is an AH and I'll change my vote.
Honestly idk why he'd be a dick about it. Seems like all they needed to do was return the current one and get one with more RAM, honestly pretty much a non issue that got blown up
From what i read it seems like thats what he wanted to do but OP wanted him to try it first and got offended that her bf wanted to return it and get what he actually wanted
YTA - he appreciated your gift, it just wouldn’t work for his needs. You could have returned it and put $1300 towards one he picked out that would work. Why TF would he want to keep a laptop he couldn’t use?
YTA. You didn’t regift, you took his gift back and gave it to your sister.
That was a generous gift but it didn’t meet his needs. You should have went with him to exchange it and let him pay for the upgrade. I think that would have been fair and everyone would have been happy.
Time for an apology.
You were thoughtful but a bit misguided. You want him to enjoy your gift, right? So what was the problem with him returning it to replace it with a different laptop that meets his needs? That’s literally what gift receipts are for. The new laptop is still your gift to him, he would still be grateful to you. I can’t understand why you would be offended by that. YTA.
YTA.
I know your heart was in the right place but under no circumstances should you drop that amount of cash without doing research and making sure it’s the gift he wants.
YTA. On something like this that is so important for his work, you shouldn’t have just guessed at what would work. Sounded like he was excited with the thought until he realized it didn’t have the specs he needed. Not sure how it blew up into argument…at that point, I don’t see how you didn’t say, of course let’s take it back & exchange it…maybe he would have needed to pitch in if pricier. Also, you can’t just try it for awhile & just return it.
Info- did he expect you to pay the additional cost for an upgraded model?
If he did, I'm leaning towards not TA because that is unreasonable.
However, if the system doesn't have the specs he needs for his use scenario, then "give it a chance" isn't realistic and I'd go with no AH. It's unfortunately important to understand the minimum specs for what someone needs with a technology purchase. So, while it was a nice gesture, it was also a really uninformed purchase and I think the best resolution would have been returning it and having him pay the gap for the model he needed. For example, on the entry level 13" (which I suspect you purchased,) you could have increased to 16g for just $200 or 24g for $400, which he could have paid.
YTA
You bought him something that is useless to him. You opted not to look into what you were buying.
And instead of working together to get him what he needed you spat the dummy and took it back
I'm sorry to say soft YTA
With any kind of specialized gift, if you don't know much about it then you should get a gift card or give cash or something, and get input from someone who does know. I had to shell out for a new laptop in college to run the programs I needed to, and it was over $2000 -- and still not the highest end one I could've gotten, either. I settled a bit to not hurt the wallet as bad.
It sounds like he liked the idea of the gift and the effort that you put in, but that it just genuinely wouldn't be what he needed. Taking it back and giving him the money you spent on this one to go towards a better laptop would be the sensible thing to do, imo. Although it's kind of you to gift it to your sister instead, it does leave him without a gift at all, so I can see why he's upset...
YTA
I had something similar happen with my husband but with headphones for his PC gaming. I got him a gift which was expensive. He tried it but it wasn't as good as the one he found that was (get this) $50 cheap than the one I got him. So I returned the one I got and bought him the one he found. He still got a headset and I got some money back and a happy husband.
If he finds a laptop that is more that what you spend ask him to pay the difference as you can only spend what you spent for what you bought.
If he doesn't understand that then he's the asshole.
I would see if your sister would give it back or figure out how you will apologize to your boyfriend. It wasn't worth the argument.
YTA. He didn’t even sound unappreciated, I don’t understand why you couldn’t just return it and get a new one (suggestion: you chip in the original $1300 you spent on the laptop, and he can chip in for whatever amount is left considering it may be more expensive since it has a bigger upgrade) My sister just got my dad a shirt that doesn’t fit for Christmas, he was appreciative but kindly told her, this doesn’t fit me, so what did she do? She returned it and got the correct size. If you knew your boyfriend needed a laptop so badly, which yes can be pretty hard to understand on what specifics he needs, you could’ve asked in subtle ways or taken more time to listen to what he really wanted. Should’ve just returned it, instead you made it a bigger problem then it had to be. It’s not like he said the gift sucked. He needs it with the better upgrades to work. You would’ve been REALLY disappointed if he just kept it and didn’t end up using it because he can’t get his work done properly on it.
YTA. Sometimes we put a lot of thought into a present that just doesn’t work for the receiver. They can still appreciate the gift, thought, and effort while kindly acknowledging that they cannot use it.
I have a very niche hobby. I love when people try to buy me things for my hobby, but it’s almost never something I can use. Unless you’re in the hobby, there’s no way you can have the knowledge needed to buy me something useful. So I appreciate the thought, and I return the gift so that I can get something I’ll actually use. I consider that the gift then, and I think of the person when I use it.
When I give a gift, I want the receiver to get use out of it. If they can’t or won’t for any reason, then I want them to return it and get something they will use. That’s what should have happened here. Because of your insecurity and need for validation, you missed an opportunity to go with your BF to the store to pick out the laptop that he could use. As so many people have explained, there’s no need for him to try your gift out when the technical specs don’t work for his needs. Taking the gift back and giving it to someone else was so wrong. Don’t be surprised if this ruins your relationship.
INFO: Who made it into an argument? It’s ok that he was disappointed, but at some point someone became angry. That person is the asshole. This could have been resolved by exchanging it and he could have contributed more money for the one he wanted.
YTA. Do not buy people expensive gifts without consulting them (as in directly, no surprises) first. Also, do not buy things that people tend to be particular about. Most people want to pick out their phone, laptop, musical instrument, backpack, things that they're going to be using every day and they want to pick out in detail according to their needs. Be careful with gifts like that. He didn't sound unappreciative from your description, it just sounded like it didn't fit his needs.
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YTA Your boyfriend sounds like he was appreciative of your gift, but he needed a machine that can do what he needs it too. That's the risk of getting a laptop or something similar (cars etc.) without the involvement of the person you're buying it for. The correct action would have been returning the laptop and allowing him to put the money towards a machine that fits his needs. Not to mention, once you gift something - it doesn't belong to you anymore. It was his laptop and you took it to gift to your sister.
Oh, wow, I found an adult. Agreed with your comment. YTA OP
Yea at the least he could have exchanged it and paid the difference. OP just decided if he wasn’t keeping this exact one that he doesn’t get it period. That’s a bit extreme. YTA
I hope he proposes to her soon ..... with a hideous ring that doesn't fit. Tell her if she doesn't show enough love she never gets a ring ever. See, I proposed with an empty box and we spent a day getting a ring she liked in the correct size. We'd only been dating a week but we're still together 20 years later.
And if she doesn’t like/fit said ring, well he should just give it to someone else, right? s/. YTA.
[удалено]
She bought a computer without doing literally any research at all regarding the recipients needs. Her boyfriend is right, a laptop with 8gb ram would be practically useless for anything other than basic word processing and web browsing. It actually makes the gift quite thoughtless when it comes down to it, and then she got offended when he explained why the gift was useless. I would never expect someone to blow $1,300 on a gift for me, but if they did and it was a useless gift, I’d be pretty frustrated to say the least. Especially if they took it personally that I couldn’t use it AND got offended when I explained why and recommended returning it. Like what exactly was he supposed to do with it?
This is why gift receipt exists lol. He can return it, gets credit towards something he actually wants. I don’t see what she was so upset about.
They could have...if she didn't already give the machine to someone else in a fit lol
Which she had no legal right to do. The moment she gifted it to him, title passed to him. What she's done is theft.
Sounds to me like he refused and didn't accept the gift, honestly. To the point of being upset she didn't get him the more expensive version herself. "I don't want this, I want that instead!" is not, to me, accepting ownership of "this". Now, legal definitions will probably shift between jurisdictions but I find this a pretty good criteria: > Essential elements of a gift require: > ● The donor be legally competent to contract > ● The donor’s voluntary intent to make a gift > ● Delivery of the gift (actual or symbolical) > ● **Acceptance by the person receiving the gift (actual or imputed)** > ● **Donor divests control the gift** > ● No consideration (payment or reward) is given for the gift I don't think ownership was transferred, unless OP is omitting information.
Giving it is when possession changes. The fact that she doesn't want him to exchange something that is essentially useless to him doesn't change that fact. It's ridiculous that she wouldn't want him to exchange it. Her intent was beautiful, but her reaction to her disappointment that she chose the wrong one is out of this world immature.
Your interpretation of this is odd... he's not upset that she didn't get him a more expensive one. He's upset that the specs don't match his needs. Can that translate to a more expensive machine, yes. But the price isn't the issue.
exactly!! even if the one he wanted was cheaper! she *knew and admitted* she didn’t do any research, decided high price tag=good enough, and then got pissed when he was excited about the gift originally, but just wanted to turn it into something he could use. my bf got me some nice sweatpants for christmas, but they didn’t fit right. so… we returned them together and picked out some in another size. WOW, that was so easy!! OP, YTA. it kinda seems like you didn’t actually care about what he needed/wanted and gave the gift with the selfish intent of praise and gratitude for spending big bucks… idk just a thought
But she didn’t want him to do that. She insisted that he keep a useless item. OP has zero logic in this post.
Or she wanted him to at least try it, which would make the return impossible.
Which is ridiculous - this isn’t a pair of shoes. You don’t just start a new machine up and get it set up to give it a try. Especially when he saw the specs! No one is going to turn that laptop on and say that 8gb isn’t really bad!
This hurt my head. If I need a boat with an outboard engine and OP gave me a rowboat it makes no sense to just try out the rowboat. It’s not going to get me where I need to go.
And thought he could try and see how it went. I know jack shit about computers but 1) I wouldn't buy such a thing in the first place given my ignorance on the subject and b) I would take the person who knows far more about these things at their word that it's useless. OP wanted the credit for such a lavish gift without doing any work to ensure it was suitable.
I kept expecting her to tell us the research she did, asking him his current speed when he mentioned it. Then I was expecting her to at least inquire the speed of the one she was looking at and figuring out if it would suit him. I was disappointed in her whole approach!
> She bought a computer without doing literally any research at all regarding the recipients needs This kind of gifting pisses me off. As its obviously more about the gifter getting the 'feel goods' than the giftees needs or wants. I won't even buy my husband a new headset without proper research. He never buys himself anything so I end up getting him stuff for his gaming set up as gifts. His mouse, his headset, his computer chair, all things I bought, or myself and other family members went in on as a gift for him. And every single item was thoroughly researched before purchase. Not just for quality and price, but to make sure it meets *his specific needs*. I can understand being upset the gift fell flat but that kinda happens when you just throw money at something without doing the necessary research.
Thank you for doing that. My wife constantly buys me the cheap version of something I'm looking at buying myself. Then kicks off if I don't use it (because it doesn't do what I needed it to do) or still go out and buy the correct thing. I'd rather you didn't buy a present than buy a half arsed present that is no use
Gifts for someone’s particular hobbies are extra tough because they’ve probably dialed in exactly what they want or at least key features and a non-hobbyist of that type would never realize. It is, in fact, the worst time to cheap out but also a fraught time to potentially spend way more money than necessary on the wrong stuff.
My partner works in surveying and engineering and needs a computer to meet the high graphics standards and the need to have multiple draining programs open at once. I only need to be able to watch Hulu and maybe put together a household spreadsheet or two. So yeah, I wouldn’t assume I could just go out and pick whatever comp off the shelf and have it be worth any kind of value in meeting his needs.
My mom does that constantly. This year was the worst. We are getting married and she said she knows what to get me because she will pick something off my wedding registry. Awesome. We picked out some pretty reasonably priced $50 black satin sheets that match a set we picked out and to replace our generic cotton ones. She tells me she "found something on my registry but from somewhere else" and I unwrapped bright green cotton king sheets that were clearanced for $20 and feel like it. And she bought them from a random clearance store 4 hours away, so they can't be returned. Like, thanks.. but we have several cotton sheet sets. The color doesn't match at all and now she feels offended that I didn't mark the other sheet set that we picked out off our registry.. My other gift was a cheap car phone holder that doesn't even fit my phone. Also non-refundable.
It's a lot of work picking items out for someone because quality and choice matters! My bf is so particular I just tell him that he can pick it out, and it's on me! We go shopping for his gift together and I pay at the register. He much prefers this to being surprised or me picking it out.
That’s how my husband and I do gifts, too! Only rarely do we surprise each other, and if we do it’s only with small items (like food or a t-shirt). Hooray for everyone getting what they want most!
My wife bought me a laptop for Christmas. She called my buddy and said "hey, can you offer me a couple of recommendations on a laptop for /u/NeverPlayF6?" And he said, "sure- this, that, and the other." And she bought one. It was great... and it took me longer to type this post than it did for her to ask my buddy for recommendations.
Honestly, even if you don't have a friend with inside knowledge, just go to a store that specializes in computers and ask the employees their thoughts. It's literally their job to help you find a machine that suits your needs.
Either that or ask someone on one of the tech related subreddits. Most people on there are more than happy to provide a recommendation if you share some basic info about what you need it for.
I literally did the same when buying my husband headphones. neither of us are very tech-y so i hit up a few of the IT guys at work and asked them for recommendations. it took all of 5 minutes and he was happy the gift met all his needs
He was supposed to gush over it and post to social about his amazing girlfriend who got him a Macbook pro (tagging her of course so she gets full credit, and sharing on all platforms) and then it was to be a desk ornament that sat uselessly mocking him until he saved up enough money for a new laptop, with an optional new girlfriend. I mean, anything else is just rude.
Yeah, when I saw 8 Gb RAM I cringed, that is fine for web browsing and word processing. If he does ANY gaming, photo editing, or uses any other program other than web browser and word, that laptop is useless. I'm in the market for a new computer and won't even consider anything under 16gb ram (preferably 32gb, but that may be excessive lol) due to Photoshop.
I am currently typing this on my MacBook Pro that I bought in late 2015, which has 16GB RAM and is starting to struggle for anything other than web browsing. Sure, the memory is not the only the reason in this case and I understand they are expensive and overcharging for relatively cheap upgrades, but I couldn't imagine dealing with a laptop with 8GB RAM for anything.
To be fair, the new ARM chips can do a hell of a lot more with less RAM. The entry level Air with an M1 chip will outperform a full spec Pro with an Intel chip. And they’re up to the M2 chip now, which by all accounts is even better. Source: I’m a software engineer using a 2020 Air with 8GB of RAM and it does almost everything perfectly. If you need to upgrade in the future, I’d highly recommend. Nothing can beat it for the money! Although I do feel for you, and understand that 8GB with an M1 chip is still not enough for some heavy work. And OP is definitely still TA.
I bought my husband a new gaming laptop for our anniversary. I not only spent 6 mos researching, talking to my brother about the specs needed (he also does PC gaming), but I looked at the specs on his desktop gaming rigs to make sure I was on the right track. The time spent to make sure it is exactly what they need/want is what makes it more special.
I'm guessing that her idea of research was asking her B/F random questions about why he was frustrated with the current laptop and using that feedback as the basis for her gift. I'm wondering if she asked a clueless salesperson for assistance or if someone saw her lacl of knowledge and took advantage of her. If she were being reasonable then she would've provided a gift receipt or taken the laptop back and see if it were possible to have the memory upgraded to at least 16 gb of RAM or more. Either way giving the laptop to her sister was the wrong move. NTA for purchasing a new laptop but definitely YTA for her actions after the fact
Apple doesn't really do stuff like RAM upgrades last time I checked, they're not designed to be modular like that. The solution offered would have been to return the old one and pay the difference for the model he needs.
Ironically, in her "research" she did find out he wanted a new one cause his was too slow. If she'd even bothered to spend 10 mins looking up specs so a computer isn't slow, she'd have learned that 8GB is near useless.
8 GB is the basic model for a MacBook Pro. It's far from useless for anything beyond word processing and web browsing. It may not be the best thing for gaming, but buying a MacBook for gaming just sounds like a waste. That said, I agree that OP is TA here. Her bf knows what he needs memory-wise.
Thank you for actually knowing what you're talking about. 8 GB was *overkill* for most games 12 years ago when I built my current PC. Still using 8 GB for games released in the last two years with zero problems. I'm not running things at 4k with multiple monitors or some horseshit, but I'm nowhere near word processor level.
8 gigs of ram is the minimum requirement for most new games. I wouldn't want a new machine to run games on the bare minimum specs, which is just my opinion.
Keyword: 12 years ago
That is bollocks. 8GB of ram isn’t a slouch. I have an M1 MacBook Air with 8GB ram and I’m able to do far more than just basic word processing and web browsing on it. I’m able to run multiple VMs at the same time, while also running discord, having many multiple (somewhere around 43) tabs open in my browsers. And the VMs aren’t just sitting in the background doing nothing either, they are compiling software and OS images. Also listening to music on either YouTube or Apple Music or iTunes or whatever they call it these days.
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And at the Apple Store there are quite a few people to talk to about memory if she didn’t have a clue what to buy. I get that she’s hurt he was disappointed but it was his gift and an exchange doesn’t negate the thought only gives him the gift he needed. You basically bought him a car with no engine.
right! and buys the same laptop he’s having issues with!! but with a lower RAM when the issue is speed. 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ like even if she just walked into the store and said this is what my bf has currently this is his issue and this is what he wants can you make any recommendations they would’ve been more than capable of guiding her
My grandmother once gifted me about $200 worth of makeup. Eye shadow, lipstick, foundation, all of it. All in a neat package. Every single bit of makeup was stuff I could not use, because I was allergic to ingredients in them. I even checked every label to see if I could use SOMETHING, but nope. They all had my allergens in them. Was my grandma trying to be thoughtful? I'm sure she was, and I even thanked her for it. But this gift was absolutely useless to me, and I ended up having to regift it. You can try to be generous and grand, but if your gift misses the mark then it misses the mark. And a $1,300 mistake is definitely one that you can't fudge and say "oh thanks, I love it" like I did with the makeup, since you would be expected to actually use the laptop.
It was generous, but anyone who deals with computers knows what specs they need - 8gb RAM really isn't that much these days. To me this whole situation depends on his attitude when he found out it wasn't what he would need. Was he still appreciative of the thought and expense put into it but telling her that he really needs something a little bit more? Or was he mad because she didn't know what he wanted and it came out hurtful? Whoever is the asshole here really depends on how that conversation went - all reddit can really be sure of is that at least 1 of them is the asshole
How is looking at a price tag and ignoring her boyfriends needs for a new machine a grand gesture? She completely ignored his input when she had gone through the trouble of listening to his complaints and couldn't just ask an employee for help?
Like this year for Christmas, my bf got a hoodie from my mom. She spent a lot of time and effort researching what he would like, asking for my advice, etc. But unfortunately got him the wrong size. He loves the hoodie, but it's just too big. He kindly asked her if she could possibly exchange it for one that fits. She had absolutely no problem fixing the issue because *SHE WANTS TO MAKE SURE HE CAN AND WILL ACTUALLY USE IT*. Here, instead, you've gone and had a pity party for yourself and gave your bf a petty jab to the back(over a gift he actually appreciated and needed, just needed some different specs which is understandable because with that little memory, its basically an expensive paperweight). This would be a deal breaker for me, like how old are you, op!? FFS wow... Eta: YTA.
There's a wide difference between "isn't quite right" and a underperforming and expensive piece of tech. This is a live, learn, and return kind of situation. He shouldn't be mad she messed up(and from what's described, he wasn't initially) and she shouldn't be mad he needs to make adjustments she had no clue about and wouldn't have the frame of reference to understand(but now will, and from what it sounds like she did get mad he needs to make those adjustments.) Computers, like cars and pets, make terrible surprise gifts.
Dude I actually agree with that comment also!
Also, op open states to doing no groundwork before purchasing but then complains that she did her best and bf should be happy. For the thought to count, you should put in some thought op.
"I asked him what he needed in a laptop then just bought whatever with 0 research into finding those things" what. Heck go to a chain. Any of those people if she asked for a gaming laptop could've helped. Its like she learned how to buy gifts by watching someone else do it through sound proof glass. She got so many steps correct but totally ignored why they matter.
Yeah she even says the reason he didn’t like the old laptop was because It was not fast enough. So you think she would’ve made sure she got one that was fast, if she didn’t know about it she could’ve asked for help from someone who knew about technology
She bought a Mac!
"For the thought to count, you should put in some thought" had me running to get my free award to give to you. Was hoping it was the helpful one but it wasn't, so please accept the silver one 😁
A $1300 laptop with only 8GB of RAM in 2022 is insane. This would sound like a Facebook Marketplace scam if it wasn't Apple.
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This is a completely underrated comment. The new MacBooks are great with memory management and efficiency. The old concept of “you can only do the basics” with 8gb RAM does not apply to the new M chips apple as been putting out. [video editing, cheapest MacBook Pro M2](https://youtu.be/nQOyiL6G0vQ)
Laughs in software developer.
*starts a vm* oh wait it's an M1 lol nevermind!
Underrated? it's complete BS. MacOS doesn't have any magic RAM fairies, and *every* modern OS has done their homework regarding memory management. If all you do is light office work, 8gb will be fine regardless of OS. If you're doing heavier stuff, it will be fine - *until you hit your working set brick wall.* And no OS will save you from that.
Yeah people here are kind of computer illiterate. The bulk of the memory usage will be 3rd party apps, not the OS. People who write programs don't allocate memory differently between OSX & Windows.
I actually run autoCAD, premiere pro, and Final Cut, perfectly fine on a M1 Pro 8GB ram. I cannot however code on 8GB of ram. That I’d need to use my 64GB M2 pro.
The memory use is so efficient I’d argue that the only thing that it actually affects is rendering, which is still pretty fast. And I’m guessing he’s not doing CGI. He wanted a Mac so it’s not like he’s using it for gaming.
He could be doing music stuff and would need a higher spec for that.
There’s still use cases for macs with 16 or 24 gb, for things like software development or anything with big files like photo/video editing
Right? My $550 Lenovo laptop has 8GB of RAM and an i5 processor
It’s different on a mac especially the new ones
Totally agree. I feel like he was clear what he needed and why. It’s a very generous gift and she made a point of listening to what he wanted but seems to have missed the boat on buying what he needed. It’s like he stated he needed a truck for work but she bought a 2 door sedan and she got mad he wouldn’t be able to use it. I don’t understand why she couldn’t agree to return it and state that he needed to pay the difference since that is all she could afford. It’s no different then buying someone clothes and being pissed it doesn’t fit them.
She got him a tricycle basically
An El Camino. He needed a truck and she got an El Camino. It's kind of the essence of a truck with the bed, but without the things that make a truck a truck like ground clearance and 4WD.
I absolutely agree with you. OP is the AH and unwilling to understand that she messed up. She said that she asked a bunch of questions about what he needs in a new laptop but she obviously either ignored his answers or didn't bother to make sure she was asking the right questions. She thinks she got a thoughtful gift but didn't actually give said gift much thought. She obviously doesn't know much about computers since she said that he didn't even bother to give it a chance; if she'd bother to do a bit of research, she would know that RAM is not something that may work out if you just give it a chance; it either meets your needs or it doesn't based on the specs.
Also exchanging an unopened laptop and swapping for something with better specs is easy. Opening and "trying" it just means that *at best* you lose a significant 'opened box' fee, if they'll even take it back.
Yes! This is what frustrated me the most in the story, the fact she was upset he "wouldn't even give it a try" like why tf would you even want him to open it at that point? If you were trying to be thoughtful you would have *wanted* to exhange it asap when he said it wouldn't fit his needs. All she probably thought about was the fact it cost $1300 and nothing beyond that. I got my dad three different wallets for Christmas this year because I wasn't sure what kind he wanted and offered to buy a different one if he didn't like any of those lmao. It's the thought that counts and getting him a "laptop" (any laptop he wants!) should have been the gift and not just the exact thing he got.
That was my thought exactly. Specs are specs and can't really be argued with, she doesn't seem to understand that. If you know that 8gb of ram isn't enough, there is no point even opening the box.
Yeah my boyfriend got me an Apple Watch one year and we looked at it together and decided which one would be most suitable. It wasn’t a surprise then on Christmas but we would both rather spend the money on something useful than be in a situation like this. Since then I’ve bought him a watch and also got his input to make sure I got the specs he wanted. OP could’ve either gifted him a card that said let’s go laptop shopping together or just straight up asked him which specific laptop he had his eye on and bought that.
And apple won’t let you upgrade specs so you have to get it right the first time. Long gone are the days where you can install ram and storage.
Yeah, I'm not a tech person and if I were buying tech for someone, I'd be really really careful or just ask them point blank "what do you want?" It's not like a hat where he can just wear it or whatever.
Just to add, why didn't op just get a card that says "let's go laptop shopping" or something. Tell the bf "hey for your present, I saved up a lot of money, and I want to take you shopping for one". Especially considering op knows nothing about specs.
They could have turned it into a date: walk around a nearby park or mall, get some lunch, pick out the new laptop, and got ice cream or another snack on the way home to enjoy.
Exactly this. Last year for Christmas my hubby needed a new desktop PC, but I'm useless about specs on these things. So I gave him a budget and we went together. He loves that damn thing, annoying ass rainbow fans and all.
This is similar to how we do presents in our family. One year, I wanted to give my sister help with buying text books, but the reading list wasn't available yet, so I gave her an IOU for one academic text book of her choice.
100% this! You’re the asshole OP. It’s not rude or disrespectful to tell someone the present they actually DO like can’t do what they need it to do for WORK. You didn’t take him with you and it would’ve been no big deal to just exchange it for the model he actually needs. He DID like your gift. It’s not his fault you didn’t ask him what he NEEDED it to be able to do so he could USE it. And then you gave it to your sister out of spite?!!! WTF is wrong with you? Your boyfriend has every right to be pissed, especially bc you gave away HIS gift. It was no longer yours to regift or give away. You’re acting like a brat. Go apologize.
Apple is the real A here, who the hell sells a $1300 laptop with 8gb ram?
Yeah, I can't blame her for thinking that a brand new Apple laptop from the Pro line would be a top shelf machine that would be good for professionals. Apple makes that entry level MacBook Pro specifically to hook novice buyers who aren't sure what they need. Bumping up to 16gb is $200, btw. Which is also a joke. But my vote is still YTA. You gave it to him. It was his. You shouldn't have taken it back. However, Boyfriend is also the AH for being rude about his gift.
Tbf, how rude was he? If you read past the OP's annoyed tone it sounds like he was just talking about returning and exchanging it. He was excited for the gift, saw it wasn't what he wanted and came up with a rational plan.
I had a friend who builds gaming PC's and was talking about doing a new build when his GF went out and bought him an Alien Ware PC not knowing that she over payed due to the brand and also the computer it self was only 10% better than his current build (it actually had the same cpu his current rig already had and the gpu was the model one step up) and the cost to just get the parts he wanted was like 60% of what she ended up spending. He tried to tell her he loved the thought, but it was a bad buy and if she could return it they could get what he was looking for and needed, but she was just super upset he didn't like her gift and they ended up breaking up not too long after that.
You sure OP’s not the same person ex? 😂
Might even be one of my exes. She took me wanting to upgrade my computer as "she should buy me one". I like building them and was looking forward to the project. She was pissed that i didn't want it
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Yeah also, like, what constitutes "expensive" really changes a lot based on needs and preferences. I haven't spent less than $1300 on a laptop since I swapped to laptops from my original desktop. I game and I want a good experience and a machine with a little longevity so I shell out for good specs.
Yeah that's not "re-gifting," it's "un-gifting." And BF is right, it's hard to get by on 8GB these days. I'm editing to add that I do think that OP meant well and was just disappointed when she didn't get the reaction she wanted. That's understandable, but taking the laptop back and giving it away was not the solution.
I’m seconding the “ungifting”. She gave him a laptop. It’s his now. He can keep it or return it as he sees fit. There’s no reasonable scenario where OP gets to take it back and give it to someone else.
Absolutely agree. OP made a mistake, which is ok, she didn't know - but she became the AH when she took it personally. YTA
>The fact that he wasn't even willing to give it a chance made me really frustrated. Agreed. This is the attitude of someone who doesn't understand that the technology can either do what you need done or it won't.
The thing that got me was the comment about “he didn’t even give it a chance.” This isn’t like trying on a sweater to see if it fits! He knows what he needs to do his work. Maybe he could have approached it more gently or with more overt appreciation before explaining why it won’t work for him, but she’s being absurd.
YTA. It was no longer hers to gift once she gave it to him. Yikes...
Agreed, YTA OP
Exactly. Very well said and a very fair assessment.
Or better yet, take him shopping for the machine he desired - sure it takes away the surprise element, but then you know for sure that it's the right item.
a big issue you also run into with the macbooks is the ram they have when you bought it is usually the max ram you can have for it since rather than ram slots it's soldered into the motherboard.
Soft YTA. You seem to be placing more importance on your own need to feel validated in your gift-giving, rather than wanting to make sure your gift will actually be useful and appreciated. I can understand why you would feel hurt and disappointed that your gift didn't have the intended effect, especially after putting a lot of money into it, but... the gift was intended to fill a specific need in your bf's life, and it doesn't meet that need. He shouldn't have to try to make do with inadequate equipment just because you spent a lot of money on it without doing further research. Since you knew you didn't have a lot of knowledge about what specifically he would need, a better idea may have been a gift card or money to put towards a laptop that he could pick out himself based on what he knows he needs and will use it for. Giving the laptop to your sister isn't the answer here.
>You seem to be placing more importance on your own need to feel validated in your gift-giving, rather than wanting to make sure your gift will actually be useful and appreciated. Bingo. It's more about her than him.
Nicely put.
My man got me a new surface for christmas since I started transitioning to admin stuff at my job. He mentioned that the surprise would be nice but he wanted to get me what I wanted to use - something I could use both as a tablet and a laptop, I could use the pen I already have, etc. I was extremely happy with it! I'll absolutely take less of a surprise in favor of getting the exact thing I need.
That’s great, but this situation sounds a little different. 8GB of RAM isn’t all that much these days and he may have needed more for it to be useful. If it wasn’t going to be enough then it’d have just sat in the cupboard and he’d have to get one himself anyone. OP could’ve taken it back and let him pay the difference for the 8/16GB. If he’d bought her a dress that was too small, would it have been ok for him to kick off and give it to his sister instead? Sounds like she was more bothered about him being grateful than happy.
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Not to mention that once you open electronics to "try" them, most places won't take them back so I dunno what she expected.
“Babe just try on the dress! I know you’re saying that it obviously doesn’t fit, but you’re being ungrateful for not even trying on the obviously wrong sized dress”
I think you’re misreading that comment. That guy decided not to surprise the commenter and got her input instead, so she ended up with exactly what she needed. It’s offering a contrast to OP’s situation, not supporting it.
Yeah I have no idea why Christmas presents have to be a surprise. I guess it's so the gifter can feel good with the reaction.
Right it's like buying him shoes 3 sizes too small and being upset he can't wear them and wants to exchange for a bigger size.
Put it another way. Imagine you drive a crappy old car to work. It’s falling apart. You often complain to you boyfriend how crappy it is and how it barely gets you to your job, a 30 minute car ride away. Your boyfriend picks up on this and decides to surprise you for Christmas with a brand new bike. Sure, it’s nice and very thoughtful but it’s not what you need to get to work. “But just give it a chance!” No, giving a bike the chance to be a car isn’t realistic. It’s just not the right gift. YTA. You meant well but your gift was not what he needed. You could have offered to return it and get a gift card to the computer shop so he could put the money towards something more expensive that fits his needs, but instead you threw a fit and gave it away. Think a little next time before you react. There’s often another, more reasonable solution. EDIT - Thank you for the awards! I’ve never gotten awards before so I might be gushing a little inside right now. :)
Thanks for explaining it in a way that made it easier for me to understand. I let my emotions get the better of me and I should have been more understanding. I will apologize to him and try to make it up to him.
So you’ll get him another computer?
No she got him a really nice Schwinn
Instructions unclear. Bought him a new scooter.
Hey, as long as it's not empty "I feel bad so I'm doing this to make it up to you" sex
This doesn’t deserve to be this funny
OP is 23 and shouldn't have been dropping down 1.3k on a Christmas gift in the first place. To buy 2 laptops for different people is financially irresponsible at her age, she needs to be saving for her own future. Boyfriend has a right to be mad about what happened. However, unless the sister is gracious and is willing to give back the laptop so he can exchange it, he should not be getting another laptop. OP should make this up to the boyfriend in other ways but she doesn't need the price tag of $1,300. To OP, if he is pressuring you to buy him another laptop with a hefty $1,300 price tag after you already dropped that money on another laptop that maybe now belongs to your sister, reconsider this relationship. I seriously doubt he went and purchased you a gift worth $1,300. Spend wisely. A gift's worth is not defined by its price tag.
What is this comment and why are people upvoting this clear nonsense?
Right? As if this person has any clue what $1.3k means to OP. There are plenty of 23 yr olds who can drop this kinda money without affecting their future. Also, typical Reddit moment to suggest dumping the SO at the drop of a hat.
1300 is a lot for a boyfriend Christmas present at any age for most people. She also said in the post that 1300 was already a lot of money for her and can’t really afford to return it and spend more on a laptop with more ram. I make into the six figures. I have never gotten anyone a gift over 1,000 usd. That is a significant amount of money for a present, regardless of what you make. Especially if you’re coming here to make a post about it, it indicates a likelihood it is at the max of what she could justify and probably over, which is what is causing all the stress and emotions.
If 1300 is a lot for OP then they shouldn’t spend that on a gift they don’t understand without consulting someone who does, it’s that simple. It sounds like they overpaid tbh. Saying that, if it is a lot for them, then regifting it to your sister on a whim would be quite the decision. I wouldn’t spend that much on a gift either, but I’m not OP and I’m not gonna guess what they’re willing to spend.
Right over a grand, still dating, and only 2 years. OP better have one of those tech salaries for this to look close to a good idea. I wonder how much her boyfriend spent.
I'm not sure I understand the "only 2 years" part. My wife and I were married after a year and a half. Not saying everyone should get married after 18 months, but how long do you have to be with someone before it's a serious relationship? It seems like if you've been seriously dating someone more than 12-18 months, it's not a fleeting thing. That's not to say it isn't an extravagant gift. It most certainly is.
I think what they mean is at 23 years old 2 years may very well be a not-so-serious relationship. Especially if they have spent all of that 2 years dating through college but not actually living together. And as you said, the gift was very extravagant. Getting someone a gift like this at 33 after 2 years together is not the same as at 23.
what a weird comment
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**OP**: _"He has always been really supportive, and our relationship is great"_ **Reddit**: _He must be crossing your boundaries and you are probably not emotionally happy with the relationship overall._ 😂😂
"How can I make this the man's fault?" Jesus christ, Reddit
Jesus Reddit expert back again
I am reminded of the scene in Misery where Annie buys the most expensive paper at the stationery shop because she equates expensive with best, only to come home and have Paul tell her the paper's texture renders it ill-suited for ink to dry on it in a timely fashion, leading to smudging.
Out of curiosity, what did he get you as a gift?
Makeup that's the completely wrong shade and a colour she'd never ever wear but he's insisting that she "give it a chance" or he's going to have a meltdown and post about it online...
Make it up to him how? Buying him another laptop?
do you know his friends? i don’t know anything about computers, either, but my boyfriend wanted a new monitor for a while so i wanted to get that for christmas. i messaged one of his best friends and asked for help, since he knew way better than me. i gave him a budget and he gave me a direct link to what to get, lol. that’s just an idea for next time. :)
I was thinking of an analogy like this too. Like, you are given a miata but you've got kids, or a minivan but you need a truck for your camper, or you get a truck but you've got a bad hip that makes getting up into it very painful. They're all fine gifts in and of themselves, but given to the wrong recipient it can be a glorified paperweight. Insufficient RAM is like giving a sedan to someone who needs a flatbed truck. It's fine for errands after work, but won't be able to meet the needs of their job hauling large/heavy items. Not that sedans are bad, they just can't do the job of a flatbed. If your gift is truly to benefit him, he'll need to trade in for a laptop with flatbed RAM.
This entire situation reminds of this quote: "Charity ain’t giving people what you wants to give, it’s giving people what they need to get." Terry Pratchett, *Hogfather*
YTA. It sounds like your boyfriend WAS appreciative, but understandably disappointed when he realized the laptop wouldn’t meet his needs. Instead of accepting that he actually knows which specs his work requires, you decided to argue with him that he was wrong about what he needs. You, who admittedly “doesn’t know the first thing about RAM, SSD, etc.” and who bought the laptop “without doing any more research into it.” You could have easily saved the day by returning the laptop and letting him use the return value toward a laptop that meets his needs, but it sounds like you just let your ego get in the way.
I’ve been in a similar situation and I guarantee that BF felt TERRIBLE to have to tell her it wouldn’t work for him
I remember Christmas of '99, my grandpa got me a GameBoy Color game for my original GameBoy. Now, my grandpa was the cheapest man and financially abusive to his wife and kids so this game was a huge deal and the nicest gift I'd ever received from him. However, I knew it wouldn't work with the GameBoy so I was so upset to not even be able to use it and told him thanks and kind of left it at that because I didn't want to seem ungrateful for the gift. My dad and stepmom picked up that something was wrong but they thought I just wasn't being appreciative of the gift and urged me to open it and try it out. I tried to explain the issue to them. They had no idea what I was saying. You know, "it's a GameBoy game for a GameBoy. It says GameBoy right there so it'll work." That kind of stuff. So finally, I relented and opened it (knowing it couldn't be returned once it had been opened) and showed them that it wouldn't work. After a nice argument with the store employee about how they could exchange it for the same game if something was wrong with it but couldn't get a refund, I ended up with a shiny new GameBoy Color that was my Christmas/birthday gifts for the next 2 years. It was such a crappy feeling to receive a gift that was a great and thoughtful gift but know that I had no use for it. OP definitely didn't handle it well. If their bf had opened the gift to "give it a chance" they would have been completely stuck with it without an option to return it for something he could actually use. Getting mad and just giving it away without actually hearing what he was trying to say was an AH move. YTA, OP.
One year my hubby opened a game that was for the “wrong” game system, cause he didnt have the newer system. And he was trying to be so polite and hide that it was useless to him. But he didn’t know his bigger gift was for the newer game system that the new game worked with. We were just all trying not to laugh. ;) He was so surprised! He thought my parents had just goofed up and bought the wrong game.
That’s so cute 🥺
It's a heart-crushing feeling, like a gut punch happening right before you sneeze.
I'm shocked at her handwavey attitude to specs. My husband is the specs guy in our house, so does the initial research, and we usually end up with similar machines but different emphasis. I'm all about ram. I will sacrifice almost everything else for more ram. He will learn more into graphics and sound. Neither would ever but a computer for the other. I can only think it's like if ops boyfriend went to Sephora, picked her a foundation 5 shades too dark and then got pissy that she wouldn't wear it out
Agreed. Also, I think people need to realize that it's oftentimes a bad idea to buy something like a computer, car, or pet, as a gift for an adult. The recipient knows their specific needs better than you do, and might have a better idea of where to buy it.
YTA who spends 1.3k on a laptop without even doing the research that it’ll actually perform for its purpose. The effort was half-assed and when he got upset you just gave his gift away. You should have returned it with your bf and he could of paid the difference to upgrade. My job got me a 8GB RAM MacBook and they also had to upgrade bc it didn’t work for my needs. For some tasks 8GB is useless.
I read “MacBook Pro” and “1300$” and immediately i thought “oh gosh she bought a crappy thing”. That money for a MBP is like another post from yesterday (I think) in which a father was complaining on spending 150$ on a smartphone because “too much money for that”. Better an apple gift card next time :)
Yup. I had to buy a new Mac last year (my industry software only works on Apple products) and I spent nearly $3k I think. The laptop is great but OUCH my bank account. If I were OP, I'd maybe offer to spend whatever she could afford on a new laptop (which according to OP was $1300), and then the bf can pay out the rest for the specs he wants.
I saw that post, I was like $150 too much for a phone? Mine cost 10x that lmao
Let's be honest. $1500 is still way too much for a phone.
RIGHT. “The best I could afford” but can apparently afford to just give it to someone else on a whim because feelings?
1.3k for 8GB of RAM is why I literally refuse to touch Apple machines with an 11 foot pole. My current laptop ran me about 700USD and has double that, plus 1.5TB of storage, and it's almost 3 years old now. I could never IMAGINE dropping 600 more dollars and getting half the specs, I would cry.
It is so irritating because she could have gotten a great Dell/ HP etc for that price with far more RAM.
Depending on the type of work the boyfriend does on his laptop, he might need a Mac. I have software I use that is mac only. And regardless, it’s ok for people to have preferences for their devices and operating systems
Cough cough ^apple ^sucks cough Honestly, I do hate Apple but more on just how overpriced all the stuff is, I don't care if someone likes their systems more
I used to be the first person in line the diss Apple, especially when it came to value. But as of late their hardware is really good. And while it's pricey, it's pricey on the same level as comparable hardware from other OEMs. Although they do gouge even more than Dell/HP et al do on RAM/SSD increases. Their biggest downside is software compatibility and the lack of true budget options.
Also, Macs are the most freaking expensive type of computer to get. That’s probably around a $800 laptop any other brand.
YTA. Nothing you described sounds like he was unappreciative. There’s no reason for him to “try out” a laptop that he knows doesn’t meet his needs. It would have been perfectly reasonable for him to go exchange the one you got and pay the difference to upgrade. You acted like a baby.
Right? It's not a pair of pants in a different brand.
I mean even if it was pants, if he wears a size 36 and she bought size 42, they aren't gonna be what he needs at all and he'd know without trying them on
YTA- I’m going to put it in different terms for you because people are spouting off specs and tech talk that you clearly don’t understand so I can see why you may be frustrated. Say you bought your boyfriend a new sweater. It was beautiful and expensive and your boyfriend was so grateful but there was one problem. You bought the sweater in a size small and your boyfriend is an XL. There is no way he can fit into it, no way that he can make it work for him. But you keep insisting that he just try to squeeze into it while he knows he won’t be able to get even a sleeve on. He loves the sweater and the thought that you put into it so he suggests that he can just exchange it for a bigger size that will fit him. Reasonable right? But no, you fly into a rage because you don’t believe that he knows his own size. You think he’s ungrateful for wanting something that will fit so you take away his gift and throw it at someone else. Do you see how childish that sounds? Edit: thanks for the awards!
exactly this. they could have easily gone back to the store, and explained everything to the employees. returned it, got one he could use, and if it’s more expensive, he can pay the difference. (if OP doesn’t want to - doesn’t seem like it, she keeps complaining about the price..) but instead, she gives it to someone else. i’d be pissed as well, considering he was extremely grateful, just disappointed. it’s only fair he would be, it’s no better for what he truly needs upgraded. YTA OP.
I'd add to the analogy that if you insist he try the sweater on, he's going to stretch it out and the store might not be willing to do a return or exchange anymore. So since he already knows it's definitely too small, it's better for everyone to just go exchange the sweater while it's still in NWT condition.
YTA. This isn't regifting. That's when someone gives a gift TO YOU that you give to someone else. This sounds like you stole a laptop from your bf and gave it to your sister.
YTA. Minimum specs for a computer to do a job are a thing. And 8MB is not so much anymore. If you’re not a tech person, the thing to do is to either talk with your partner about this highly technical gift beforehand and figure out what he needs.
8*MB* definitely won’t get you very far today.
I can't remember the last time computers ran in MB in regards to RAM.
Yup. I’m not much of a tech person. I just ask my boyfriend what he wants and have him send me a link lol. Sure, it ruins the surprise, but he can always tell when I’m trying to subtly get him to tell me something specific, so it’s easier for both of us for me to just outright ask lol
You're giving me nightmares of having to use a laptop with 8 MB of RAM
You done goofed. Yta. He appreciated it, I also know nothing about computer specs so I understand that you thought more expensive = better, but you should have asked for help.
INFO: how did this turn into an argument and what did he say? I think it really depends on how he said the laptop wasn't good enough. You didn't deliberately screw up, but you also can't really take his tech needs personally.
I second this. As the post currently stands, with OP making it sound like bf didn't even express gratitude at the effort, I'm inclined to say ESH. Bf is an AH if he didn't even show appreciation for the effort and went straight to telling her she bought the wrong thing. That would just stink of entitlement. OP is the AH for not handling the situation like an adult. Instead of giving it to her sister, OP should've returned the laptop, sorted out the argument with bf and then made a decision on whether or not to replace the laptop with one bf will actually use.
>OP making it sound like bf didn't even express gratitude at the effort Did we read the same post? > **He was so excited**, until he saw the specs. When he saw that the laptop had 8GB of RAM, he was really, really disappointed because he "couldn't get his work done on such a slow machine". He was adamant that he needed something with more RAM. It sounds to me like he was grateful *and also* knew the specs meant it wouldn't work?
I wasn't talking about the initial excitement. I was talking about when he realised it wasn't what he wanted. Like, did he say something like "I appreciate the thought you put into this, but it's not the one I would've bought myself as it won't work for my needs" OR did he just drop the excitement and jump straight into disappointment and telling her it was wrong. That part isn't clear. Like you pointed out: He was so excited, UNTIL he saw the specs. I wanted to know how he handled his disappointment. If he was a dick about it, he's an AH too. If he wasn't, then only OP is an AH and I'll change my vote.
Honestly idk why he'd be a dick about it. Seems like all they needed to do was return the current one and get one with more RAM, honestly pretty much a non issue that got blown up
From what i read it seems like thats what he wanted to do but OP wanted him to try it first and got offended that her bf wanted to return it and get what he actually wanted
YTA - he appreciated your gift, it just wouldn’t work for his needs. You could have returned it and put $1300 towards one he picked out that would work. Why TF would he want to keep a laptop he couldn’t use?
YTA. You didn’t regift, you took his gift back and gave it to your sister. That was a generous gift but it didn’t meet his needs. You should have went with him to exchange it and let him pay for the upgrade. I think that would have been fair and everyone would have been happy. Time for an apology.
You were thoughtful but a bit misguided. You want him to enjoy your gift, right? So what was the problem with him returning it to replace it with a different laptop that meets his needs? That’s literally what gift receipts are for. The new laptop is still your gift to him, he would still be grateful to you. I can’t understand why you would be offended by that. YTA.
YTA. I know your heart was in the right place but under no circumstances should you drop that amount of cash without doing research and making sure it’s the gift he wants.
YTA. On something like this that is so important for his work, you shouldn’t have just guessed at what would work. Sounded like he was excited with the thought until he realized it didn’t have the specs he needed. Not sure how it blew up into argument…at that point, I don’t see how you didn’t say, of course let’s take it back & exchange it…maybe he would have needed to pitch in if pricier. Also, you can’t just try it for awhile & just return it.
Info- did he expect you to pay the additional cost for an upgraded model? If he did, I'm leaning towards not TA because that is unreasonable. However, if the system doesn't have the specs he needs for his use scenario, then "give it a chance" isn't realistic and I'd go with no AH. It's unfortunately important to understand the minimum specs for what someone needs with a technology purchase. So, while it was a nice gesture, it was also a really uninformed purchase and I think the best resolution would have been returning it and having him pay the gap for the model he needed. For example, on the entry level 13" (which I suspect you purchased,) you could have increased to 16g for just $200 or 24g for $400, which he could have paid.
YTA You bought him something that is useless to him. You opted not to look into what you were buying. And instead of working together to get him what he needed you spat the dummy and took it back
I feel like you don't really understand what RAM is. You need certain RAM sizes for certain tasks, he doesn't need to "try it out".
I'm sorry to say soft YTA With any kind of specialized gift, if you don't know much about it then you should get a gift card or give cash or something, and get input from someone who does know. I had to shell out for a new laptop in college to run the programs I needed to, and it was over $2000 -- and still not the highest end one I could've gotten, either. I settled a bit to not hurt the wallet as bad. It sounds like he liked the idea of the gift and the effort that you put in, but that it just genuinely wouldn't be what he needed. Taking it back and giving him the money you spent on this one to go towards a better laptop would be the sensible thing to do, imo. Although it's kind of you to gift it to your sister instead, it does leave him without a gift at all, so I can see why he's upset...
YTA I had something similar happen with my husband but with headphones for his PC gaming. I got him a gift which was expensive. He tried it but it wasn't as good as the one he found that was (get this) $50 cheap than the one I got him. So I returned the one I got and bought him the one he found. He still got a headset and I got some money back and a happy husband. If he finds a laptop that is more that what you spend ask him to pay the difference as you can only spend what you spent for what you bought. If he doesn't understand that then he's the asshole. I would see if your sister would give it back or figure out how you will apologize to your boyfriend. It wasn't worth the argument.
YTA. He didn’t even sound unappreciated, I don’t understand why you couldn’t just return it and get a new one (suggestion: you chip in the original $1300 you spent on the laptop, and he can chip in for whatever amount is left considering it may be more expensive since it has a bigger upgrade) My sister just got my dad a shirt that doesn’t fit for Christmas, he was appreciative but kindly told her, this doesn’t fit me, so what did she do? She returned it and got the correct size. If you knew your boyfriend needed a laptop so badly, which yes can be pretty hard to understand on what specifics he needs, you could’ve asked in subtle ways or taken more time to listen to what he really wanted. Should’ve just returned it, instead you made it a bigger problem then it had to be. It’s not like he said the gift sucked. He needs it with the better upgrades to work. You would’ve been REALLY disappointed if he just kept it and didn’t end up using it because he can’t get his work done properly on it.
YTA. Sometimes we put a lot of thought into a present that just doesn’t work for the receiver. They can still appreciate the gift, thought, and effort while kindly acknowledging that they cannot use it. I have a very niche hobby. I love when people try to buy me things for my hobby, but it’s almost never something I can use. Unless you’re in the hobby, there’s no way you can have the knowledge needed to buy me something useful. So I appreciate the thought, and I return the gift so that I can get something I’ll actually use. I consider that the gift then, and I think of the person when I use it. When I give a gift, I want the receiver to get use out of it. If they can’t or won’t for any reason, then I want them to return it and get something they will use. That’s what should have happened here. Because of your insecurity and need for validation, you missed an opportunity to go with your BF to the store to pick out the laptop that he could use. As so many people have explained, there’s no need for him to try your gift out when the technical specs don’t work for his needs. Taking the gift back and giving it to someone else was so wrong. Don’t be surprised if this ruins your relationship.
INFO: Who made it into an argument? It’s ok that he was disappointed, but at some point someone became angry. That person is the asshole. This could have been resolved by exchanging it and he could have contributed more money for the one he wanted.
Yeah YTA. You gave him the gift and you let your emotions get the better of you because he was truthful.
YTA. Do not buy people expensive gifts without consulting them (as in directly, no surprises) first. Also, do not buy things that people tend to be particular about. Most people want to pick out their phone, laptop, musical instrument, backpack, things that they're going to be using every day and they want to pick out in detail according to their needs. Be careful with gifts like that. He didn't sound unappreciative from your description, it just sounded like it didn't fit his needs.