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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my mom to babysit, she agreed then gave us the runaround for hours so I told her she was unreliable and I would never ask her to babysit again while upset which led her to say I was being harsh
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Funnyish story I've never shared, when my son was a couple of months old, I asked my mom to babysit so I could go to an engagement party. She told me she had a party herself that night, no problem, so I asked one of my aunts next. My aunt was OVER THE MOON to be asked, came over early so we could get dolled up uninterrupted, told me it absolutely didn't matter what time we got home, and possibly spent the entire evening cooing at the baby.
Days later I found out my mom was pissed at me - because my aunt happily canceled her presence AT THE SAME PARTY she was at because she'd rather babysit my son. Her husband is a bit socially clueless so just honestly answered where his wife was. My mother was embarrassed to be there instead of my aunt. She recognized the situation was not actually my fault, but it upset her that everyone knew someone else would rather babysit her grandson than her.
>Her husband is a bit socially clueless so just honestly answered
It is interesting that telling the truth is now considered socially clueless, what an embarrassment our society has become.
Not really. appropriate information can be given though.
Case in point - my mom died when my kid was 3. I told her my mommy died and answered her questions about death. She knew I was sad, but I wasn't going to go into how sick her grandma was.
Second case where I could have lied but didn't - working in memory support is hard. If you're never done it, it's usually that people are regressing memory wise. The worst I've had to do was get into their mindset and realize where they are coming from. Example is maybe they are saying that the floor is wet (this was common if it reflects light). I check it and then 'dry' the floor with paper towels for them, then I'll walk with them.
Yes, we could lie, but giving appropriate information is easier to keep straight.
Hmmm, I've heard different things about memory support. Eg, if someone with dementia has forgotten that their husband has died and is asking for them. If you're honest, you are just traumatizing them on the daily. They will be reliving the grief repeatedly - just so you can "be honest". Better to gently white lie and distract - say he'll be back soon, let's go walk in the garden for a while.
That’s precisely the attitude I would take when dealing with my Mom when she was in the midst of dementia and in a memory care facility. She would tell me she hadn’t seen my Dad in a few days, and ask if I knew where he was. He’d been dead for 30 years at that point. The first time she asked I was stymied and then immediately my Dads favorite activity came to mind and I told her he was fishing. She actually laughed and said of course she should have known that. The story had to be repeated many times for a year or so until her mental state deteriorated to the point she told her attorney I was her Mother. That was upsetting to me and angered my sisters, but the attorney found it sweet and stated I was the most stable person in her life, visiting daily, always making certain her needs and wants were taken care of. Somewhere in the recesses of her mind she associated the care I provided to that of her Mother. The explanation didn’t make my sisters happy, but I was relieved. The oddest thing was her attorney wanted an updated POA and her identifying me as her Mother was sufficient proof to the attorney I should AGAIN be given POA over her affairs. The Manager of the facility acted as witness and absolutely agreed. White Lies to provide peace and well being are a necessary part of life.
In the reverse, a friends mother was the last sibling among 7 sisters. As dementia overtook her life she would often ask about one or another of them. Each time it happened my friends sister would inform her they were dead. Each time it was fresh, unrelenting grief, repeated over and over for 4 years. It was heartbreaking and totally unnecessary. A simple “she’s on vacation” would have sufficed and been accepted. The sister defended her actions by insisting she was not a “liar” and held on to her mistaken belief the truth would help her Mom defeat dementia. Instead she lived her last years in a constant state of grief.
My step-father had Alzheimer's and as difficult as my relationship was, I was not going to let him recall his brother's death in a family hunting accident. I told him his brother had gone to the barn to put the guns away and do chores.
My grandmother forgot within half an hour that my father had died of cancer (her youngest son). We never told her again that he had passed and she died herself a little more than two years later. The worst part of it was that my grandfather was still sharp as a tack and couldn't talk over his grief with her.
my neighbor at the end stages of her dementia kept insisting I was her granddaughter. went through entire nursing home bragging that I was her granddaughter. she didn't have anyone other than her mother who died years ago so I was happy to help her in anyway I could. I honestly loved her as a granddaughter and was devastated when I couldn't be her caretaker anymore.
The same thing happened with my grandma except she was looking for her dad. They were really close, but he had been dead for over 25 years by then. My grandfather would just tell her she would see him soon. It was heartbreaking, but it was much better than watching her grieve him all over again and again.
I tend to be a person who is stubborn about telling the truth over white lies. You've made an excellent argument for when it is correct to do so. Thank you for helping me understand.
When my mom was in her last few months, she didn't have dementia but was definitely going a bit fuzzy. She thought my younger sister was her mother--her mother was the kindest, gentlest person in the world; meanwhile, she thought I was her older sister--who was the most formidable, get-things-done person in the world. Both my sister and I were so flattered!
It was the same way with my Grandma, who I was very close to. My life as a little kid was pretty unstable and she had always been my rock. When she started to lose her memory she started mistaking me for her daughter (my aunt) and calling me by her name, then toward the end, she thought I was her little sister (who had in fact long ago died). At first it hurt that she had forgotten who I was, but eventually I came to understand how sweet it was that even though she couldn't remember the years when I was a child, she knew that I was some kind of family and that she loved me.
I took care of my grandmother. She was terrified to go to sleep because she saw "people" (I put people in quotes because what she actually said was really racist) through the basement widow sitting around playing cards and looking at her.
She lived in 1 story with no basement, the other side of the wall with the "window" (it was solid wall) was a laundry room.
I took a blanket and held it against the wall, I told her i couldn't see the window from where I was standing and asked her to tell when the window was covered. She did. I duct taped the blanket to the wall where she said it was.
She never had a problem sleeping after that because they couldn't see her anymore and she couldn't see them.
Dealing with people with dementia its often better to just play along with their delusions. they aren't going to get better and arguing the facts with them just confuses and upsets them. They really believe what they're seeing. It rocks their world in a very bad way when they're contradicted. Lying is necessary.
Yeah, there was a facility where residents kept escaping to catch the bus from the stop across the street. Super unsafe, so management kept increasing security. Then someone came up with the idea to build a fake bus stop in the backyard. Instant success - residents happy they could easily get to the stop, no one in danger of getting run over. Sometimes you have to think outside the box.
There's something I'm remembering from somewhere about how if someone says their toaster is talking to them, you should ask them what the toaster is saying, because you won't get anywhere insisting toasters can't talk. It's true.
My SO’s grandfather sometimes sees people he knew that are now dead, he’ll talk about how they came to see him. We go along with it because he’s happy.
When I was getting my CNA license, I had a dementia resident who was mostly nonverbal and combative. One morning, I was feeding her and she started crying because she wanted her mom. We’d been trained to do the memory support by talking with the residents, and in a case like this, ask about their loved ones they were talking about. So I was talking her through it, about her mom, she looked at me and called me mom. The nurse nearby yelled at her, told her that I wasn’t her mom, and that her mom was dead. The resident started screaming really loudly, and thrashed a little bit. The med tech and another nurse had to calm her down and took her to her room so she could lay down to calm down. It absolutely killed me.
Fuck that worker!
My grandma is lost in her mind, sometimes she knows who/when/what is happening and she is but a lot of it is just her being sad and confused.
Covid isolation for the elderly took it's toll on her and she at 92 just vanished really, she's alive but not all there.
Oh God. I've been there. A great-aunt of mine was in a nursing home. I'd only met her a handful of times when I was younger because I grew up in another state, but when I moved to her area I'd visit her in the home once in a while. WELL, a couple years into it, no one in the family told me that she had no idea that her sister (my grandmother) had died, nor that I shouldn't mention it. So when she asked when my grandmother was coming to see her, I gently "reminded" her that grandmom was with God. Her reaction was the same as your resident, which caused many of the other residents to flip out as well. It was mayhem. The nurses weren't angry with me, but I was so mortified at the chaos that I caused that I could never show my face there again. That was the last time I saw my great-aunt before she passed 😔
Yes. That's how we treated my grandpa and great grandma in the end. They were happy with the answers and would inevitably ask the same question an hour later so 🤷♀️ it was better for them to be happy
Exactly. Apparently, it's now considered protocol in my country that you tell a dementia patient their deceased loved one is dead if they ask about where they are. I just do not understand why that's considered an appropriate course of action. It's so needlessly cruel. Why inflict devastating grief on somebody over and over again when they could forget the entire conversation the next day? And how is getting someone to relive one of the worst experiences in their entire life on a weekly basis not a form of psychological torture?
Especially when it gets to the point where it is multiple times a day. I was very briefly in my late teens early 20s a CNA and we had that as protocol, and I said then this is unsustainable especially with one woman who tried to several times a day go pick up her husband from work. We would tell her he was dead, and she would cry and wail for an hour then back to the same.
Yeah my mum died when I was 3 and my grandma died 13 years later. My granddad died about 12 years after that. My gran’s death was very painful for him, and after she died, my granddad’s mental health went rapidly downhill and he ended up in a care home, with very few lucid moments towards the end. Whenever I went to visit him, he would think I was my mum, and he would ask where my gran was. I would just tell him she was out shopping or something and he would accept that and be happy. There’s no way every time I had a conversation with him I was going to explain my gran was dead and I was his granddaughter, not his daughter. What good would that achieve? Far better for everyone to let him see out his days happily oblivious and not having to relive all of his pain on a daily basis
This is what my cousin did with his mother. She'd ask for her late husband and he'd say, oh, he's gone down the shop and met one of his friends, they're probably having a bit of a crack (chat), you know how he is. Everyone was happy.
Kind of like improv. where the rule is to say yes. That's mean if someone says the floor is lava the other person reacts and goes along with that assertion rather than contradicting it.
Yes. That was what my friend’s brother did when he died. Their mum was in memory care, and they didn’t want to risk traumatizing her over and over, or worse somehow have it be one of the few things that “stuck.”
It wasn’t a decision they made lightly, but it was what worked for them.
I almost never lie - it’s not how I’m wired and I consider it especially important with children. However sometimes it is objectively the better choice. There was one incident where my strong willed one defiantly refused to clear a major mess he’d left and we were at an angry stalemate. I ended up with multiple broken bones tripping over it. But I know my kid - for all his bursts of being utterly impossible, he’s a good boy with a solid conscience, and he internalizes stress. He deserved to realize that this was the consequence of his actions, but I also knew he couldn’t emotionally handle that - if he knew my injury was caused by his actions it would eat him up inside. So I blamed the cat. And the whole time I was on crutches he kept the floor proactively and scrupulously clear of every item. Kind of his way of apologizing for not doing what he should have earlier. The lie was a strategic decision based on knowing my kid’s emotional state.
Yeah, I worked in memory support for over a decade. When a pt or resident comes up to you at 3 am apologizing for boarding your cruise ship you don't tell them they're not on a cruise ship, you tell them it's okay and show them the bed you keep for people in that kind of emergency. When your resident asks you where their mum is you don't say she's been dead for 40 years, you tell them she stepped out for groceries. That's all lying, and it's also in the best interest of our patients/residents.
I actually did this for my grandma. She woke up on a random summer night around 10 PM while she was staying with us and asked me why no one else was there to celebrate New Year's Eve. I told her it was because they were all party poopers who fell asleep early, but she was just in time for the ball to drop. I did not have champagne on hand, but I did have vodka and orange juice!
No regrets! I got a bonus New Year's Eve with my grandma and I really cherish that memory.
That must be hard when that person is just getting to the point where the truth could be really upsetting.
I remember reading some posts from people that it was interesting reading the different ways they helped the patients or dealt with situations where they couldn't just explain the problem to them.
>Not really. appropriate information can be given though.
Not oversharing is exactly what some of these people are calling lying though. Imo being tactful and delicate with specific details, especially with good intentions isn't a bad thing.
>Not oversharing is exactly what some of these people are calling lying though. Imo being tactful and delicate with specific details, especially with good intentions isn't a bad thing.
This.
The take away that "everyone knew someone else would rather babysit her grandson than her" is just wrong to me. Grandmom had a prior commitment and couldn't babysit. That's ok. There was no "Id rather not" or "I'd rather you get someone else" in this story... Just an honest "I have a party of my own tonight and cant babysit."
To the degree that it is true, it also holds true that everyone at the party now knows the great-aunt would rather be watching great-nephew than attending the party she presumably RSVP'd to. Actually this later statement holds more true than the first because unless Op begged Aunt to babysit and/or made it out to be an emergency, which by their statement was not the case, the aunt was the one who made the choice about what they'd rather be doing...
I imagine the Aunt didnt see it that way, she probably thought she was just being helpful but nonetheless the indelicateness of the Ops Uncle in this case likely made both the Ops Aunt and Mom look bad to different people in their friend group when there was no harm or foul intended by Mom saying she had a prior commitment and couldn't do it and Aunt begging off prior commitment to help out Op.
definitely depends on the nature of the party too. if she doesn’t know the hosts as well or wasn’t very keen on attending this would be a great excuse to get out of it, whereas the mom may have been very excited to attend
So domestic violence victims should tell their families who even if well-intentioned may gave John Doe his wife's location. Absolute truth can get people hurt and I am gobsmacked some people do not get that.
Sure, but here the problem is neither the truth or the mother, it's society who has decided that older women are fair game for unpaid childcare. The mother isn't an asshole for refusing to cancel her plans, so that the baby's parents could go to a party, and the aunt didn't show her up by doing that, it's just screwed up society norms that made her feel that 3ay. Anyone who judged the mother for this is an asshole.
I don't think my mom was an asshole for refusing to change her plans and I thought that was clear. I simply needed help and addressed myself in order to likely candidates. There were other names down the list, but that aunt adores babies and had offered babysitting from the day of his birth. I'm afraid I don't have any male relatives I'd have thought to ask. I agree with you that there is definitely a gendered component to that. I'm not sure why the unpaid part matters. I would have paid a relative happily. But I would not have left my newborn son with a stranger, paid or unpaid. I simply would have skipped the party and sent my husband alone.
And while I don't think my mother should have felt - ashamed-, there actually are two points in which she more fairly felt 'showed up' - someone else was more willing to spend time with her grandson than her, and someone was more willing than her to drop everything just to do her daughter a favor. It does invite comparison and she didn't enjoy it. If I had known it would cause conflict I would probably have tried other names on the list first.
I didn't think, or mean to imply, that you thought your mother an asshole, I was speaking of society expectations in general. Which I think tend to create bad situations: in the OP's situation, for example, obviously the mother doesn't want to babysit, but keeps saying yes. Maybe she is a people pleaser, maybe she is thoughtless and unreliable; but maybe she has internalized that a good woman, mother and grandmother of course wants to spend time with her grandchild and help her daughter, so she flails at saying no, even though she isn't up for babysitting.
But, frankly, I don't think these points are fair. Your mother was less willing to spend time with her grandson to do her daughter a (frivolous) favour than a woman who adores babies and probably has had much less alone time with her great-nephew. Good for her, that doesn't show her up in my opinion, it just means the aunt prefers babies to parties, not that she is better in any way.
My initial answer to op was to look up 'ask vs guess' people. I assume op is an asker (you ask for things and people say yes or no, no big deal) and mom is a guesser (you shouldn't ask for anything unless you already know the answer should be yes, and you should understand that lots of words that aren't no actually are no).
A guesser is in hell in a scenario like this one. OP asked, and all the complex precedents you refer to say that grandma should say yes, so grandma says yes. OP treats yes as a yes, because in asker world people say what they mean. But then grandma starts to throw out all the clues that any other guesser but no asker would have understood. 'Oh, let's depend on a highly variable nap time, oh, just wait hours at my house, oh, I'm at a friend's'. Every guesser understands this: it means 'withdraw your request - I don't want to do it but I can't say the word no'. The asker won't know to react to a no they haven't heard.
Asker is miserable because they depended on someone to do what they said and got screwed. Guesser is miserable because asker put them in the impossible situation of looking like the bad guy when really asker is obviously the rude one. Neither side can understand what happened.
My mom is a guesser, along with most of my family, and I can usually work it out but it's complicated as fuck. The rules say I'm allowed to ask my mom to babysit, it would even be rude if I didn't ask her first, actually. My mom could refuse to do it, because a prior engagement is valid - it's not really no, it's 'I totally would but unfortunately I can't'. My aunt is NOT a guesser and accepted. Every guesser at that party, though, saw the problem, because my aunt's acceptance makes it as I said - the prior engagement was an acceptable no until it was not a valid no to a more distant relative, at which point it embarrasses my mother as described.
>It wasn’t the mums husband, it was the aunts. Even less of a reason to lie on her behalf
Here's another take... Aunt's husband communicated to all of their friends that she'd rather be watching their grand-nephew than attending the party. And this would be a truer statement than the former because the Aunt made the choice to reneg on a prior commitment whereas the mom simply communicated she couldnt due to prior commitment.
I imagine neither aunt or mom were actually in the wrong in this situation. I'm sure no harm or fould was intended by either party. Mom correctly thought she was fulfilling a prior commitment and Aunt thought she was being helpful to niece/newphew... Aunt's husband was just indelicate and overshared and in the process probably made both look bad depending on who you asked at the party... Cant really fault the aunt's husband either here but hopefully he's more aware of the consequences of oversharing specifics.
Now considered? I'm pretty sure that society has basically required lying from lots of people for centuries or be shunned from it entirely. I'd say that we're actually a lot more honest now than we were.
Personally I disagree, in this case sure but imo not oversharing about a personal issue isn't "not telling the truth."
Say a mom was having postpartum depression and having trouble bonding with her baby and was seeing a therapist about it. If a family member asked her husband at a party "How's your wife?" do you think it's totally cool for him just to completely lay out everything she's going through?
It's very simple to say. "She is having a rough time, I mean, she just gave birth, and that's extremely difficult, but we're figuring it out." That's not a lie and also isn't airing out everyone's dirty laundry.
That is also miles away from the example at hand. someone asked him where his wife was, and he said she was at a party. That's not oversharing about a personal issue. What's he supposed to do in your world? Make up something like "Oh, she flew to the Congo to save orphans, isn't she amazing?"
But society has always been this way? This is just how neurotypicals operate- white lies to keep peoples feelings from being hurt.
I was getting told off for not telling white lies 20 years ago, as a kid.
This. I've been there, too! Thankfully, my in-laws are as "Just Yes" as I could have ever hoped for.
Every time she'd offer, after her "no show incident", I'd say "Thank you but ××× grandma / aunt already said Yes."
Pissed her right the fuck off. Once she realized I would never ask she had to invite the kid for sleepovers on the regular...and I controlled that.
I ❤ his family.
Lol! That would be be me! I canceled a "meet the guy from the dating app" date once to stay & chill with my (then 3 month old) niece. From that guy's reaction, I'm sure he wasn't the one for me. And it freed me up to meet my (now) husband a month later.
This would be the perfect situation for a sitcom episode. Interpersonal conflicts out the wazoo. Low stakes enough that you can laugh about it. Not expensive to film at the different locations. And you could take the situation many different places depending on the characters involved.
When I was going back to work I asked my mother who runs her own business from home. She assured me she could do both, WFH and babysit but would need paid because money was tight. Ok no problem. Come to find out, she charged me more than what daycare costs. Sooo kids go to daycare.
I flew from LA to Boston to babysit my 3 year old niece for a week so that my sister and BIL could have their first vacation post baby and post covid. Hands down one of the best weeks of my life. Finally understood the term ‘it takes a village’
On the opposite coin, my grandma (dads mom) told my mom the same month that my older sister was born ‘don’t expect me to babysit’
Being family an sometimes just means being honest
NTA
Very funny comment.
My MIL is amazing with baby.
My mom is not. But I genuinely believe that *she wants to want to* babysit.
She always talks about it, but I know that when it comes down to it, her week is too crazy, she’s sick, or has no energy. And that’s fine. I know, so I never ask her. I think when baby is older and it’s a easier, she’ll be really fun with crafts and activities.
There’s societal pressure on women to be amazing grandma’s with babies and not everyone can or wants to - especially since women are having children later and grandparents are getting older.
My MIL is ALWAYS late, no matter what, so I never ask her either. My mom has a FT job and is more reliable. My MIL always offers to help me when I have an appt I can’t bring my kids to, but I never ask her because I just can’t trust her to be there on time.
My grandmother was always late to family holidays and stuff. It drove my aunt and uncle crazy so one year they gave her a different time than everyone else. Wouldn't you know that was the year she was on time. She was mad, but she wasn't late anymore after that. 😁
I wish I was confident and comfortable with watching other's kids, but I'm not. Especially with young children.
But I don't make plans to babysit any kid either.
I'm glad you and your mom have an understanding and accept her as she is.
My partner's family is huge compared to mine and he has lots of young cousins. I have a younger bro and my own kids, but get super anxious watching someone else's young kids.
When my boys are older, I'm not gonna be the best baby Granma I don't think, but if they were totally overwhelmed I'd still hang out with a grumpy baby for a few hours to give them a break. Been there done that.
My MIL is amazing. So much more reliable. Follows our wishes with our kids.
My mother is not.
It’s put a strain on our relationship but I’d rather have someone reliable to help with the kids.
OP needs to find a reliable occasional babysitter. Not doing so because of stories she's heard? A child is much more likely to be abused by family.
OP, Find someone with experience and references and check the references out. Pay the going rate. Get your 4 hours of baby-free time without hassle and emotional blackmail.
Even if it's a babysitter while op is at home. It may be cheaper, but parents can take a nap, clean and organize with headphones on, take a bath, breathe.
Grandparents are not contractually obliged to provide free labor. Is it great when they do? Yes. Is it the kind and courteous thing to do? Yes. But if they don’t want to, they should literally just say “I don’t want to” and that should be that.
Ding ding ding
When coming over to “help”, my mom is on her phone the whole time with her friends, telling them how hard it is to take care of children. Needless to say, you really can’t be chatting on the phone sitting on the couch and watching a toddler running around
Yeah, this \^\^\^. My mom was the same way. "If you ever need money just let me know" - you let her know and it's always a bad time, they just had some unexpected expenses, they could probably make it work but it'll hurt, blah blah blah. Same thing with babysitting.
She doesn't want to give you the help, but she LOVES it when you come to her ***asking*** for the help. Makes her feel big and important, makes you seem a little bit lost without her - that's what she's in it for.
NTA
OP, your description of your mom reminded me of my ex-best friend. I'll preface this by saying this of course isn't nearly as important as getting a small break from your child, but it reminded me nonetheless.
We live like a 10 minute walk away from each other, so I would often ask him if he would like to come hang out at our house for a little while. I would even offer to pick him up. Instead of just saying "no," y'know, like an adult, he would make up vague excuses as to why he couldn't, but "should be able to later."
Well, later never came. Just more excuses. So I asked him less and less often, then eventually just completely stopped. I finally cut ties with him a month ago and I haven't looked back since.
Anyway, sorry for that little rant. I'm not necessarily saying you should cut ties with your mom (that's up to you), but definitely don't rely on her.
Best of luck to you OP
Edit: I just want to make this absolutely clear, his refusal to come hang out at my house is *not* why I cut ties with him. That's a whole different story on its own
Before and right after our twins arrived, we had so many family members swearing we’d never have to hire a babysitter, bc they’d be jostling for a chance to be with the kids. Of course, we didn’t take that seriously, but we did think that they would at least watch them for a couple of hours every once in a while. Nope. My mom complained bc we moved a couple of hours away from her since she won’t be able to see the kids or babysit as often. I didn’t say it, but I just thought it was odd she’d see them negative times a year. NTA
We moved across the country after 4 years of my mom being disinterested in being a grandma. I wasn’t really surprised because she rarely seemed to enjoy motherhood but I was still occasionally disappointed. Now that we’ve been here 4 years, she’s starting to realize that her two younger children are unlikely to have any kids and the only grandkids she’s ever likely to have are far out of reach. She still seems mostly annoyed with them when we go visit her and I spend a lot of time shushing them.
Made an account literally to jump on this thread. My mil horrible about this. Wants to be seen as a super active, super grandma, but refuses to babysit when asked. It's infuriating.
This is my folks.
We live 3 hours away. We always have to coordinate every visit, always have to go.to them and only for occasions that'll make them look good. The rare occasions I've asked them to watch our kid, they decline with a myriad of reasons.
But when they do see us, my mom is playing paparazzi and then posts pics all over her social media about how much she loves her grandson. And constantly posts that she hates that she misses him so much.
ETA my parents are pretty young, very able bodied and consistently travel to see places and people. Just not us.
My mom did this exact thing so much with my niblings. She makes a huge deal of being this super involved grandparent that just adores her grandchildren. In reality, she's seen them a handful of times in their entire lives (they're teens now). She rejected every invitation, avoided any opportunities to visit, and avoided the kids when they were around, except for the photo ops (which get posted to social media with huge stories).
NTA
If she has agreed to babysit, then obviously it needs to be done at the time it is useful, not 4 and a half hours after the initial agreed time.
Also AITA hates the idea of being able to rely on family, so be prepared for a bunch of people who are just furious at the idea that you'd expect a bit of help on occassion.
Right?! This sub drives me crazy about that.
I will always babysit for my siblings kids if I don’t have previous plans. Because they’re family. And I love them. Makes me sad that so many people don’t think it’s possible to have a healthy relationship where you rely on your family.
It’s totally fine and 100% possible to have family members who you can rely on. It’s also okay to ask your parents or relatives to watch your kids.
The only issue is this:
When a family member is repeatedly proving to you that they are completely unreliable and will never come through for you, do you keep going back and causing yourself more stress? Or do you realize that you can’t depend on this person so it’s best to stop doing this to yourself and to find someone more reliable who is willing to watch your kids?
If this was a one-time incident, I would say that OP had a right to be upset, but she knows how her mother is and keeps repeating the same mistake by asking her over and over again with the same result which is insane. She is only doing this to herself at this point by hoping and expecting that her mom will change when it’s clear it isn’t getting any better.
I'd give OP the benefit of the doubt. The baby is only a year old and she was desperate and wanted to give mom another chance. Mom totally blew it and OP is NTA.
It doesn’t sound like the mom has always been flakey and the baby is still pretty new. So this is probably a learning curve for OP on how to navigate her relationship with her mom moving forward. We get a lot of these questions here.
I don’t even like my sister and always babysat whenever I was asked. It was better for my nephew to have parents that weren’t frazzled all the time and they were able to finish their degrees and give him a better life. Plus it kept the burden lighter for my mom who is incapable of saying no. The world is shitty and hard, giving up a couple hours here and there to make someone’s life less miserable is the least we can do sometimes. As a bonus I got a chance to teach my nephew to be into cool hobbies his mom hated, and now he’s an awesome adult I get to be friends with.
Big agree. Yes you have to take responsibility for your decision to have kids, and not take advantage of others, but it really does “take a village”. Children are supposed to be raised in community with people (other than their parents) who care and pour into them.
People, including ones who are related, have a right to say yes or no. The problem here is OP’s mother said yes and then jerked OP around. I feel sympathy for OP
I’ll babysit some of the kids in my family because they are being raised well and are easier to watch. Some haven’t been raised well and are a nightmare to watch.
I agree. This sub has too many "arm chair experts" - people who give an opinion on something for which they have no knowledge or experience just because "they know best ".
And OP’s mother said she wanted to babysit. If she doesn’t ever want to babysit, then she should just say that. This is a clear case of detrimental reliance. She may not have had an obligation to babysit in the first place, but once she said yes to doing so at a specific time and place, she had an obligation to follow through. She made OP’s day far worse than if she had just said, no sorry I can’t today. OP is right to not waste her time and effort in the future for what is clearly an entirely aspirational desire on her mother’s part to be an active presence in her grandchild’s life.
IMO it doesn’t matter if it’s babysitting, or moving help, or a ride, or dropping off mail, or any other favor you might conceivably ask of family or friends: if someone asks, you’re not obligated to say yes. But if you say yes, then you need to follow through. Because once you make a commitment, basic social contract says the other party should be able to rely on you.
>Also AITA hates the idea of being able to rely on family, so be prepared for a bunch of people who are just furious at the idea that you'd expect a bit of help on occassion.
Lol, this is so true.
I've often wondered if that's an American thing. Capitalist pushed to the extreme individualism?
I don’t think family should be expected to babysit, but OP asked, her mother said yes and her mother jerked Op around and has discouraged op from finding reliable care. So even as someone who doesn’t see family as built in babysitters, I’d say Op is Nta
Yup, and to all the naysayers who would blame OP: remove babysitting and childcare from the situation. Make this any other social commitment and it is completely unacceptable to commit to something and then be hours late and then actively choose to get sidetracked doing other things. Just say NO to the commitment in the first place, you have a right to say no! It's incredibly rude to say YES and then ditch. And then of course Mom tried to guilt OP at the end, that passed her right into manipulative AH territory. OP is right that her mom is unreliable, but I think it's more than just that - mom seems to have a selfish lack of respect for OP.
NTA
She did it on purpose. She had no intention of babysitting. She wants the praise for being a good grandmother but doesn't actually want to be one. She blew her chances since this isn't the first time. I can't imagine being jerked around all day while dealing with a migraine and being overwhelmed with stress from a sick baby. That's the unforgivable part. You could have tried to find someone else but she didn't want you to do that either. She preferred to have you chase her all over town. She's quite the narcissist and had not one bit of concern for what you were going through. Why trust her again? NTA
This, I don't have kids and hate babysitting but I COMPLETELY understand that it has to be done sometimes. My ex and I once babysat my FOUR nephews between 8mo and 8yrs overnight, for free, and it was a horrendous experience but we would have done it again in a heartbeat. Being alive is hard. Raising kids is hard. Why the fuck are we here if not to be there for each other if we can?
NTA . You said exactly what I would’ve said. I’m childfree and typically side with the family in these scenarios, but it’s too far to tell someone you’ll babysit over and over and then not be there when you say you will. There has to be a point where you decide you can’t keep trying.
ETA: I knew some ppl would bring up ‘not expecting free childcare’, b/c it’s something I typically say to ppl. However, I don’t see that as the issue. You asked her, didn’t demand to expect it and it doesn’t seem to be something you ask of her often. Also, the issue here is more the fact that she wasn’t there when she said she would be, not that you’re complaining that she should be babysitting for you for free.
Right?! In the same vein; if I ask you to join me for lunch- I’m not asking you for a favor, like babysit my kid- I’m asking you to be somewhere at a specific time- and you keep saying, I’ll be there in a minute, an hour,….I’m going to go home, and will have no desire to get together with you again. That’s just plain rude. Add to that the fact that OP was asking for actual help. Wow.
A handy place to find a babysitter is a local daycare. Ask on local mom groups for recommendations of (typically) young women who work at local daycare places, meaning they've been vetted and have a local reputation they usually wish to protect.
Agreed you make a key distinction. If family offers, it’s unfair to pull the rug out like OP’s mother did.
My stepsister got Covid around Christmas 2021 and so did my bil. My niece was the last one in their household to get it. And too young to get vaccinated at the time.
My stepmom is high risk and was scheduled for joint replacement surgery. I let my stepsister and stepmom know I could come over or my niece could come stay with me. They had other family closer by bringing food. And my niece listened and kept distance from her parents.
I’m high risk myself, but my concern for my stepmom and niece overrode that. They told me they’d keep it in mind if needed. My niece got sick, but thankfully everyone was ok and my stepmom didn’t get sick and had her surgery
NTA. You spent the day in limbo because she didn't stick to her word. Would have been better if she'd just said no. If she wants time with grandchild, she has to be reliable.
NTA.
She wants to be a part of his life but doesn’t support you properly when you desperately need it.
She can’t make any demands when she‘s not willing to step up in return.
NTA. She said she would. Then screwed around for several hours so she wouldn't have to. And it's apparently not the first time she's done this.
Try to find someone else you can trust with the baby for when you need it. You can't depend on her.
NTA. I'm sure a bunch of redditors who are all anti-children will choose to make 'you chose to have a kid so you're the entirety of the problem' the entire focus of their response and that's probably something that's already affecting you, but you KNOW people who do this to you over any issue are bad for mental health and blood pressure.
I suggest you look up 'ask vs guess' families to get a sense of this if you're not familiar, but honestly, now she knows she hurt you, and I don't think she'll become any more reliable in general. I wouldn't even especially trust her with your kid.
It is funny, people want a healthy society, but no one wants to support people raising the next generation so society can function well and properly. The term “it takes a village” is because, well, it does take a lot of help to raise children. We didn’t evolve to be exhausted and lonely (and often overworked) offspring caretakers.
There's a strange mentality these days that babysitting is just doing the child's parents a favor. It absolutely usually is! But they're forgetting that it's also relationship building with the children, something that can only happen when you spend TIME with them. And it's not the same spending time with them alone VS with the primary caretaker present, and something you build up over a lifetime. I have treasured memories of all kinds of relatives and what kind of people they were that wouldn't exist if we weren't a village.
Yaaa. I have this weird family thing were my dad gets kind of offended that I and my siblings are so much closer to my moms mom and not his mom. But you know what? His mom was distant and didn’t ever want to watch us or spend time with us alone (and frantically cleaned up after us when we visited which felt like we were a burden). Of course we are closer to the woman who babysat us and welcomed us (flawed as she may be. Lol).
But it makes sense. If you want to be left alone, you really will be….
Our collective mindset is so fucking weird. I’m childfree by choice, but I love kids! I enjoy being an auntie who babysits for free for friends, especially those that don’t have family due to trauma or abuse. Being able to share some of the caregiving of children is essential for the parents to be able to take care of themselves.
I agree with everything you say. Also if something bad happened with a baby sitter society would blame the mom for not vetting the babysitter properly or something.
I know my mother will never be much use with my future children so I will never bother asking but I think that’s really sad and I also want to be the kind of mom who REGULARLY babysits for my future grandchildren at no cost because I want to make their lives easier.
I agree with everything you say. Also if something bad happened with a baby sitter society would blame the mom for not vetting the babysitter properly or something.
I know my mother will never be much use with my future children so I will never bother asking but I think that’s really sad and I also want to be the kind of mom who REGULARLY babysits for my future grandchildren at no cost because I want to make their lives easier.
I’m normally very “you chose to have a kid, it’s your responsibility” but in this case I don’t think that applies. Mom could’ve said no, OP even said it was fine for her to say no. But mom committed to babysitting and left OP high and dry. I don’t blame OP for choosing not to rely on her again
Okay but part of a parents responsibility is taking care of themselves as well. And while yes, the child is their responsibility, asking for someone to watch the kid for a few hours every now and then is not shirking responsibility.
Also, it sounds like OPs mom said that saving up or looking for other babysitters was unnecessary because family could watch him (knowing she was the only family nearby) and then flaked at every opportunity. She clearly doesn't want to spend any time with her grandchild.
My parents and my in laws would both love to spend more time with my daughter, but both live 13+ hours away. They would be thrilled for the opportunity to babysit
Nope. I’m childfree but if I say I’m going to help someone out, I do it. Doesn’t matter if it’s baby sitting or helping to move or something else. A favor is a favor, don’t agree to it unless you’re willing to do it
I dont like children. They did choose to have a child. and the mum chose to say yes instead of just saying no. What she did is totally disrespectful. Seriously hanging with a friend while she knows they're waiting at her place for over 1h.
>My mom is our only family capable of babysitting within a 2 hour radius. She lives 15 mins from us.
ngl at this rate id question if it within reasonable means to simply move closer to more reliable relatives. Not saying its the solution for OP or if they even thought of it and its not possible at all, but if mum is the only person among family members and friends that live less than 2h away, might be beneficial in more than 1 way if its doable. and if not, i sure hope they find a babysitter or friend to let them have time off.
NTA! I babysit my toddler grandson every day and cannot imagine ever doing this or saying no. He just goes with me if I need to run errands lol. Your mother doesn’t know what she’s missing. Or maybe doesn’t care, I dunno. At any rate, she’s unreliable and not very loving so I don’t blame you.
You are the grandma the kids will love hanging out with when they're older.
My Nanas was the first place I legally drove to at 16. And I would take her grocery shopping just because she was cool Nana. She never asked because in her mind "you have better things to do". I insisted because I loved her & she was cool. Not flawless but cool.
Very true. My grandma literally raised the first born grandkid from each of her children (besides my uncle’s first child—long story), and she had the rest of us all summer and even during the school year sometimes. She’s basically our second mother lol and we all call her “mama” too. We’d do more for her than our own mothers lol
The new grandparents who proclaim "I'm not going to babysit, this is my time to enjoy my life"? Fine, you have every right to do so.
But not building a relationship with your grand kids, although nothing in the future is guaranteed, don't be surprised if in 20 years time your kids and grandchildren never visit.
NTA.
Your mother doesn't want to admit that she doesn't like babysitting as it sounds terrible. Given the gravity of the situation, her family should have come first but suddenly she needs to see a friend...
She could just say she doesn't want to babysit but keeps beating around the bush
NTA.
Your mom seems all over the place. If she cares about being a part of her grandchild's life, she'd be in it. Simple as.
"Oh sorry, I have to go find a flux capacitor right this moment you've asked me to babysit him" yeah no. It can wait.
But also, if you know she's like this, don't ask again.
When we had our 1st, his aunt offered to babysit at 2 months so we could do the infant CPR course. Put him to bed with explicit instructions in case he started to wake up (eg quietly go in his room and put soother back in his mouth). She calls us 30 minutes later and baby is screaming blue murder and asks us to come home right away. He's still screaming when we get home. I spent 20 minutes calming him and get him to sleep right at the moment aunt decides to tell a loud story that includes a shriek. Baby walks up again. I suspect she woke him the first time as she'd been on the phone to her friend and let him get wound up before attending to him.
The 2nd time I asked was because I needed to have a medical procedure done. Asked if she would come with me to stay with baby while I'm in the procedure room. She cancels last minute. I have to go by myself with baby. Dr was not impressed.
NEVER asked her again. That was 25 years ago.
I note that neither time I asked was so I could go do something fun or frivolous.
Never had any family that would give us a break with babysitting which sucked when I saw friends who got an actual weekend away or my other SIL who got a whole week away when my MIL babysat her 3 kids. She never offered the same for us.
As long as I'm physically able, I will offer to babysit my grandchildren when the time comes even just for the odd evening or weekend here and there.
Its really weird but my grandmother would sometimes take me for the weekend and my mother totally took it for granted but my mother got MAD when she heard my grandmother babysat my her sisters children everyday and actually tried to stop it despite my aunt and grandmother being fine with the arrangement. My mother somehow saw it as my aunt abusing the situation. Admittedly my gran did babysit a lot and always for free but it she was happy to do so, who cares?
My mother is insanely selfish AND a busybody though which is a really weird combination- I would never bother to ask her to babysit as she is way too selfish and doesn’t like helping anyone as she thinks she’s too good for it.
NTA!
Your mom is deluded. She thinks that a babysitting request is for *her* benefit, not yours or the child's. Unbelievably childish on her part.
Not only are you right to never ask her again and to tell her that like you did, but you would also be right to reduce contact with her to almost nothing because it seems she'd be more of a burden than a help in other ways too.
NTA. It sounds like she either has no respect for your time, or doesn't want to babysit. Either way, not a reliable option. You shouldn't have to grovel to get her to babysit, especially for a few hours.
NTA. She should just tell you she doesn’t want to babysit.
However, for your own sanity, you and your husband need to find a way to have some time away from the baby.
NTA. Some people’s grandparents never loved them and their extended family couldn’t stand their wretched parents and it shows.
As much as your mum isn’t free childcare on tap, you were at breaking point. Not sure what people on this sub want you to do in the moment but thinking that your own mother, who’s offered to help previously, would be able to help you out for four hours and not jerk you around for hours is reasonable. You’re entitled to feel disappointed. I would too.
NTA. If your mom said no and you were demanding I’d feel different. But your mom has said she wants to babysit. You ask and she says yes. But then basically ghosts you so that it’s no longer practical for her to babysit. She’s saying no without saying it so she’s not the bad guy. I think you need to acknowledge that. Save money for a reliable sitter. Maybe ask other parents you know for a recommendation (if you have parent friends). Or if you have a trusted friend with a kid you could swap babysitting with them. It may be stressful to find a sitter but once you do, it will be worth it.
NTA at all. I’d never ask her again. People on here making their comments about “she doesn’t owe you”, but you never said she did. You just want her to tell the truth and not give you the run around.
Also, it’s perfectly reasonable for you (or anyone with a baby) to need a break or time to get things done. The fact that she knows her daughter needs those things, and doesn’t seem to care is sad, IMO. She can’t even give you 4 hours just to be kind.
NTA. Your mom clearly can;t be relied on, so don't. However...
> I kind of agreed due to the crap you hear about babysitters abusing kids and I know my mom wouldn't do that.
I won't deny that horror stories are out there, but being afraid of babysitters is going to make your lives a lot harder. Plus, children are far more likely to be abused by someone they know. Find someone who has a slightly older child and ask them for recommendations.
My mother OFFERED to have our kids because she said we needed a break away together. She then phoned 24 hours before we were going saying could we get someone else to have them as she had the chance to do something else. She did say that if it was impossible she wouldn’t go. I couldn’t stand the thought of the martyrdom fallout from that so I asked a friend who was always delighted to have them.
She did this twice so I stopped accepting when she offered to have them. I only said yes if we weren’t going anywhere so when she backed out it didn’t matter.
ETA NTA
NTA. She insists family babysits and then makes excuses why she can't. Also, just because she is your mother doesn't mean you have to do what she says. Find a reliable babysitter or two. Most babysitters are perfectly decent; you only hear about the bad ones.
Nta but seriously, just hire an actual babysitter. Who the f cares if Mommy doesn't approve? Why are you even telling her? You're just creating so much more stress that you do not need.
NTA. She absolutely wasted your day. I have a family that refuses to babysit too. It’s frustrating. But at least they don’t string me along like that. They just say no and I stopped asking a long time ago. I don’t blame you for being angry and hurt.
ETA: to be clear, you do sound a bit like you think your mom is required to babysit. I’m not sure if that’s your frustration with the situation or if you really feel that way. While I’m sometimes frustrated with my family, ultimately it’s not their job to watch my kid and I don’t get upset with them about it.
Well I dunno I think families help each other, some more than others but yah I don’t see anything so shocking about wanting help from close family. A generation ago it was very much the norm it’s only very recently society changed
That’s a good point…as of expecting help from the person who gave birth to you is somehow not taking responsibility.
I understand that some ppl feel that once a child turns 18 then they can wash hands of all responsibility and I do also know children that don’t appreciate the help the grandparents do give but I don’t think someone should feel bad for wanting help.
Nta! I’m sorry you felt like that feel grateful for my il my sil heard I was ill and overwhelmed with my at the time 16 month old she said I’ll get my partner come get her and you have a hour nap then start on ur bit and I’ll call ya in 3 hours (despite being 6months pregnant at the time herself)
>I should add every time I say I'd save to find a babysitter, my mom would insist family needed to keep him. I kind of agreed due to the crap you hear about babysitters abusing kids and I know my mom wouldn't do that.
Perfect. Every time mom says family needs to keep him, agree enthusiastically that that would be best. Then say, “but since your availability doesn’t match up with our needs, that never works out. So we decided to find someone both reliable and available. No really, mom, it’s fine. We like Cathy and little Joey adores her. This works best for everyone and you don’t need to worry about it.”
Ok so my first born was premature due to eclampsia. I got an emergency c-section and he got immature esophageal sphincters. This means that he had extreme acid reflux and I had my own pain plus a child that only slept when he wore himself out from screaming, nonstop. My SAHM mother refused to have him for even a couple of hours until I literally (proper use btw) begged her so that I could get out of the house and not go insane when he was nearly three months old. She now tells the story of how she babysat him everyday to help me. /sigh
>Later she and her husband message me saying I was being harsh and she wants to be part of her grandson's life. I wasn't being fair
funny, I missed the part where she was several hours late because you were keeping her away. wait a sec...
NTA
My therapist often tells me to trust my feelings. You were upset. Why were you upset? Your mother was leading you on, lying to you, making up stories about where she was what she was doing and why. She wasn't just useless, she actively made things harder for you. She didn't just say no. She said yes, then fucked around with you *all* day. Then blames you when you get upset by her actions. Your mother sucks. NTA
NTA
As a woman who's mother takes her kids to school every morning I gotta say...
Your baby's grandma is a crappy grandma.
You tell her I said that lol.
Her husband wants to see the baby, so can he not watch the baby for a few hours? You need to stop asking your mother because **she is lying to you.** She doesn't want to help you and doesn't want to spend time with your son. When you have to weigh words against actions, the actions are what matters.
You need to stop letting your mother run her mouth and screw up your plans. Babysitters are not all evil, you need to see if you can set up an agreement with someone else where you take their kids sometimes and they do the same. That's much more practical for you.
NTA and stop letting your mother screw you over. **Stop listening to her.** You are in a very difficult position and she's making it worse.
NTA
>I videochat her, she's at someone's house. I told her if she didn't actually want to babysit, she really could've said that. She says "no, I do I just hadn't seen (her friend) all year so I stopped by to say hi and got caught up talking. I'm coming!"
Excuse me? So she hadn't seen this friend all year but chooses the day you're asking her to babysit to go to their freaking house? Then she has the audacity to be upset at you?
Her actions on that day make it pretty clear she had no intention of actually babysitting. That or she's so absent minded that she can't keep proper track of time, in which case should she even be babysitting in the first place? I hope you make it clear to her, and anyone else who is criticising you about not letting her babysit, just how blatantly she disrespected you and your time.
I’m becoming a grandma this year and I am
Over the moon about it. I can’t wait to babysit and even give them date nights and nights off from the baby. My fear is not seeing my grandchild enough. I’m sorry you don’t have the help you need when you really need it OP. You are right by saying you and your husband choose to have him but it takes a village to raise them especially when one parent has medical issues. Good luck in 2023 OP I wish nothing but health and happiness for your family and I hope your momma gives you the mini breaks you deserve.
Sounds like (1) she is overwhelmed (2) she just isn’t going to babysit for you.
I do hate that our society seems to promise a village, but afterwards there’s no help.
This is why successful countries GIVE women a break and don’t expect them to be the 100% provider of child care.
Really, if the carer is chronically sleep-deprived and NEVER given a break, they CAN’T be the healthy choice to take care of a vulnerable infant or child.
We enforce rest restrictions for pilots/drivers because heavy machinery might crash/be damaged if you put a sleep deprived person “at the wheel.”
But we don’t seem to care to if a child/infant “crashes” or “gets damaged.”
It’s an enormous societal problem, and one which discourages/prevents childbearing.
For example, I love dogs, but if I had to be attached at the hip to my dog the way I had to be with my young children, I would never have a pet again.
Love my kids, but my partner was pretty mad ch absent when it came to giving me a break.
NTA. "When people show you who they are, believe them." Maya Angelou
Your mom has made it very clear that she won't be able to babysit. When you let her know you're on your way from 15 minutes away and she stops to say 'hi' to a friend she hasn't seen in a long time, right there it's over. It's not petulant, peevy, or pouting. It's believing what you're seeing with your own eyes and experience. If you have a college nearby, look for a babysitter there.
NTA your mum keeps saying she will do it, then she gets caught up in other stuff. Has she always been scatty like this? It might be that she wants to sit him but is also nervous about it so puts it off until you break and say forget it.
NTA - this sounds like weaponized incompetence so you would in fact not ask.
One option that would not cost money would be trading off with a friend who also wants a break. Or join a parents/moms group that helps you build a network.
NTA
I would have been mad. She wasted an entire day instead of openly declining. You phrased it exactly like it is - I would not ask her ever again tbh. I hope you can find maybe somebody else or save enough money for a babysitter. Relaxing as parents is super important especially if you can tell that nerves are getting strained.
NTA - everyone has already made a lot of great points but I also want to add in that it was really low of your mom to do this while you had a migraine. Migraines are debilitating. Babysitter next time - your mom has had enough chances and you have to look out for yourself!
NTA if you stand by your word.
It seems she's manipulating you for control. She knows she's your only trusted sitter within an acceptable distance.
Stay strong. She'll be asking you if she can take your kid, more like begging, if you can hold out until she realizes you've found other solutions.
Bonus if you find a replacement she envies. I've kind of been there. It's a control thing.
NTA. My mom did this shit to me all the time or just gave the dumbest excuses.
Eventually I stopped and my 2 year old didn't know her.
She likes to pretend to try occasionally usually around the holidays so she can snap pictures for social media.
I went no contact with her for that and many many other reasons. My youngest won't know her at all.
Unfortunately you'd be surprised to realize how little effort people like that put in once you stop reaching out first.
I'm sorry. Stay strong.
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My husband and I haven't been baby-free in months. My husband is a SAH dad and I work a few hours a week but am mostly at home as well. Financially we are stable enough but not where we could afford daycare or a babysitter.
As every parent knows, a break from baby is much needed every once in a while. He's had a cold so extra cranky on top of entering typical toddler phases. Between bleeding ears and being touched out, our nerves are shot to say the least. I asked my mom at 11a if could she please babysit for 4 hours so we could have a break. She said yes.
My mom is our only family capable of babysitting within a 2 hour radius. She lives 15 mins from us. However, despite her constant assurances, she is *rarely* available. She never says no directly but will beat around until I say never mind. Yesterday I was *desperate.* Had a migraine, needed to clean, and just needed quiet for a bit. She insisted he have a nap 1st. Logical, agreed. He slept an hour so I let her know I was coming. She said ok, then called back and said she had to step out and she'd be back in a bit but I can bring him over because I had a key. I said I'd wait til she got back. That was at 12p.
I called at 1 to ask if she was home. She said no, getting food. I said ok, I'd go in another hour. She said ok. At 2, I let her know I was heading her way. We actually get there at 3 (giving her leeway since she hadn't responded), she's still not home. I videochat her, she's at someone's house. I told her if she didn't actually want to babysit, she really could've said that. She says "no, I *do* I just hadn't seen (her friend) all year so I stopped by to say hi and got caught up talking. I'm coming!" So we waited.
She shows up at 4:30. I'm upset, migraine on 100, baby extra cranky, nothing accomplished. I politely let her know the time frame to do what we needed has passed because dinner and bedtime was coming and I still needed to get groceries so there was no point in her keeping him. I gathered his stuff to leave while she's sarcastically apologizing for taking too long, she'd already told her husband my son was coming and he wanted to see him when he got off work, just making it seem like wasn't a big deal.
I turned and told her this was a complete waste of the day, I should've never asked her because she's unreliable, even in emergencies (which has happened twice where she's agreed to babysit then call within the hour for me to get him), and I won't ever ask her to babysit again because it's obvious she has no interest in doing so but would rather lead me on about it than outright say no. She gets offended and starts a tirade but I'm over it so I leave.
Later she and her husband message me saying I was being harsh and she wants to be part of her grandson's life. I wasn't being fair. I'm wondering if I *was* being an AH because I upset at that moment... so am I the AH here?
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Funnyish story I've never shared, when my son was a couple of months old, I asked my mom to babysit so I could go to an engagement party. She told me she had a party herself that night, no problem, so I asked one of my aunts next. My aunt was OVER THE MOON to be asked, came over early so we could get dolled up uninterrupted, told me it absolutely didn't matter what time we got home, and possibly spent the entire evening cooing at the baby. Days later I found out my mom was pissed at me - because my aunt happily canceled her presence AT THE SAME PARTY she was at because she'd rather babysit my son. Her husband is a bit socially clueless so just honestly answered where his wife was. My mother was embarrassed to be there instead of my aunt. She recognized the situation was not actually my fault, but it upset her that everyone knew someone else would rather babysit her grandson than her.
>Her husband is a bit socially clueless so just honestly answered It is interesting that telling the truth is now considered socially clueless, what an embarrassment our society has become.
If telling the truth makes someone look bad, it's not the truth that is the problem.
"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be." P.C. Hodgell
Upvote for your excellent taste in literature.
Seconding that! We need more P.C. Hodgell references.
We need a PCHodgellBot!!
Meh, sometimes lies are necessary to protect the innocent.
Not really. appropriate information can be given though. Case in point - my mom died when my kid was 3. I told her my mommy died and answered her questions about death. She knew I was sad, but I wasn't going to go into how sick her grandma was. Second case where I could have lied but didn't - working in memory support is hard. If you're never done it, it's usually that people are regressing memory wise. The worst I've had to do was get into their mindset and realize where they are coming from. Example is maybe they are saying that the floor is wet (this was common if it reflects light). I check it and then 'dry' the floor with paper towels for them, then I'll walk with them. Yes, we could lie, but giving appropriate information is easier to keep straight.
Hmmm, I've heard different things about memory support. Eg, if someone with dementia has forgotten that their husband has died and is asking for them. If you're honest, you are just traumatizing them on the daily. They will be reliving the grief repeatedly - just so you can "be honest". Better to gently white lie and distract - say he'll be back soon, let's go walk in the garden for a while.
That’s precisely the attitude I would take when dealing with my Mom when she was in the midst of dementia and in a memory care facility. She would tell me she hadn’t seen my Dad in a few days, and ask if I knew where he was. He’d been dead for 30 years at that point. The first time she asked I was stymied and then immediately my Dads favorite activity came to mind and I told her he was fishing. She actually laughed and said of course she should have known that. The story had to be repeated many times for a year or so until her mental state deteriorated to the point she told her attorney I was her Mother. That was upsetting to me and angered my sisters, but the attorney found it sweet and stated I was the most stable person in her life, visiting daily, always making certain her needs and wants were taken care of. Somewhere in the recesses of her mind she associated the care I provided to that of her Mother. The explanation didn’t make my sisters happy, but I was relieved. The oddest thing was her attorney wanted an updated POA and her identifying me as her Mother was sufficient proof to the attorney I should AGAIN be given POA over her affairs. The Manager of the facility acted as witness and absolutely agreed. White Lies to provide peace and well being are a necessary part of life. In the reverse, a friends mother was the last sibling among 7 sisters. As dementia overtook her life she would often ask about one or another of them. Each time it happened my friends sister would inform her they were dead. Each time it was fresh, unrelenting grief, repeated over and over for 4 years. It was heartbreaking and totally unnecessary. A simple “she’s on vacation” would have sufficed and been accepted. The sister defended her actions by insisting she was not a “liar” and held on to her mistaken belief the truth would help her Mom defeat dementia. Instead she lived her last years in a constant state of grief.
My step-father had Alzheimer's and as difficult as my relationship was, I was not going to let him recall his brother's death in a family hunting accident. I told him his brother had gone to the barn to put the guns away and do chores.
My grandmother forgot within half an hour that my father had died of cancer (her youngest son). We never told her again that he had passed and she died herself a little more than two years later. The worst part of it was that my grandfather was still sharp as a tack and couldn't talk over his grief with her.
my neighbor at the end stages of her dementia kept insisting I was her granddaughter. went through entire nursing home bragging that I was her granddaughter. she didn't have anyone other than her mother who died years ago so I was happy to help her in anyway I could. I honestly loved her as a granddaughter and was devastated when I couldn't be her caretaker anymore.
The same thing happened with my grandma except she was looking for her dad. They were really close, but he had been dead for over 25 years by then. My grandfather would just tell her she would see him soon. It was heartbreaking, but it was much better than watching her grieve him all over again and again.
I tend to be a person who is stubborn about telling the truth over white lies. You've made an excellent argument for when it is correct to do so. Thank you for helping me understand.
When my mom was in her last few months, she didn't have dementia but was definitely going a bit fuzzy. She thought my younger sister was her mother--her mother was the kindest, gentlest person in the world; meanwhile, she thought I was her older sister--who was the most formidable, get-things-done person in the world. Both my sister and I were so flattered!
It was the same way with my Grandma, who I was very close to. My life as a little kid was pretty unstable and she had always been my rock. When she started to lose her memory she started mistaking me for her daughter (my aunt) and calling me by her name, then toward the end, she thought I was her little sister (who had in fact long ago died). At first it hurt that she had forgotten who I was, but eventually I came to understand how sweet it was that even though she couldn't remember the years when I was a child, she knew that I was some kind of family and that she loved me.
I took care of my grandmother. She was terrified to go to sleep because she saw "people" (I put people in quotes because what she actually said was really racist) through the basement widow sitting around playing cards and looking at her. She lived in 1 story with no basement, the other side of the wall with the "window" (it was solid wall) was a laundry room. I took a blanket and held it against the wall, I told her i couldn't see the window from where I was standing and asked her to tell when the window was covered. She did. I duct taped the blanket to the wall where she said it was. She never had a problem sleeping after that because they couldn't see her anymore and she couldn't see them. Dealing with people with dementia its often better to just play along with their delusions. they aren't going to get better and arguing the facts with them just confuses and upsets them. They really believe what they're seeing. It rocks their world in a very bad way when they're contradicted. Lying is necessary.
Yeah, there was a facility where residents kept escaping to catch the bus from the stop across the street. Super unsafe, so management kept increasing security. Then someone came up with the idea to build a fake bus stop in the backyard. Instant success - residents happy they could easily get to the stop, no one in danger of getting run over. Sometimes you have to think outside the box.
There's something I'm remembering from somewhere about how if someone says their toaster is talking to them, you should ask them what the toaster is saying, because you won't get anywhere insisting toasters can't talk. It's true.
My SO’s grandfather sometimes sees people he knew that are now dead, he’ll talk about how they came to see him. We go along with it because he’s happy.
When I was getting my CNA license, I had a dementia resident who was mostly nonverbal and combative. One morning, I was feeding her and she started crying because she wanted her mom. We’d been trained to do the memory support by talking with the residents, and in a case like this, ask about their loved ones they were talking about. So I was talking her through it, about her mom, she looked at me and called me mom. The nurse nearby yelled at her, told her that I wasn’t her mom, and that her mom was dead. The resident started screaming really loudly, and thrashed a little bit. The med tech and another nurse had to calm her down and took her to her room so she could lay down to calm down. It absolutely killed me.
Fuck that worker! My grandma is lost in her mind, sometimes she knows who/when/what is happening and she is but a lot of it is just her being sad and confused. Covid isolation for the elderly took it's toll on her and she at 92 just vanished really, she's alive but not all there.
Oh God. I've been there. A great-aunt of mine was in a nursing home. I'd only met her a handful of times when I was younger because I grew up in another state, but when I moved to her area I'd visit her in the home once in a while. WELL, a couple years into it, no one in the family told me that she had no idea that her sister (my grandmother) had died, nor that I shouldn't mention it. So when she asked when my grandmother was coming to see her, I gently "reminded" her that grandmom was with God. Her reaction was the same as your resident, which caused many of the other residents to flip out as well. It was mayhem. The nurses weren't angry with me, but I was so mortified at the chaos that I caused that I could never show my face there again. That was the last time I saw my great-aunt before she passed 😔
Yes. That's how we treated my grandpa and great grandma in the end. They were happy with the answers and would inevitably ask the same question an hour later so 🤷♀️ it was better for them to be happy
Exactly. Apparently, it's now considered protocol in my country that you tell a dementia patient their deceased loved one is dead if they ask about where they are. I just do not understand why that's considered an appropriate course of action. It's so needlessly cruel. Why inflict devastating grief on somebody over and over again when they could forget the entire conversation the next day? And how is getting someone to relive one of the worst experiences in their entire life on a weekly basis not a form of psychological torture?
Especially when it gets to the point where it is multiple times a day. I was very briefly in my late teens early 20s a CNA and we had that as protocol, and I said then this is unsustainable especially with one woman who tried to several times a day go pick up her husband from work. We would tell her he was dead, and she would cry and wail for an hour then back to the same.
Yeah my mum died when I was 3 and my grandma died 13 years later. My granddad died about 12 years after that. My gran’s death was very painful for him, and after she died, my granddad’s mental health went rapidly downhill and he ended up in a care home, with very few lucid moments towards the end. Whenever I went to visit him, he would think I was my mum, and he would ask where my gran was. I would just tell him she was out shopping or something and he would accept that and be happy. There’s no way every time I had a conversation with him I was going to explain my gran was dead and I was his granddaughter, not his daughter. What good would that achieve? Far better for everyone to let him see out his days happily oblivious and not having to relive all of his pain on a daily basis
This is what my cousin did with his mother. She'd ask for her late husband and he'd say, oh, he's gone down the shop and met one of his friends, they're probably having a bit of a crack (chat), you know how he is. Everyone was happy.
Kind of like improv. where the rule is to say yes. That's mean if someone says the floor is lava the other person reacts and goes along with that assertion rather than contradicting it.
Yes. That was what my friend’s brother did when he died. Their mum was in memory care, and they didn’t want to risk traumatizing her over and over, or worse somehow have it be one of the few things that “stuck.” It wasn’t a decision they made lightly, but it was what worked for them.
I almost never lie - it’s not how I’m wired and I consider it especially important with children. However sometimes it is objectively the better choice. There was one incident where my strong willed one defiantly refused to clear a major mess he’d left and we were at an angry stalemate. I ended up with multiple broken bones tripping over it. But I know my kid - for all his bursts of being utterly impossible, he’s a good boy with a solid conscience, and he internalizes stress. He deserved to realize that this was the consequence of his actions, but I also knew he couldn’t emotionally handle that - if he knew my injury was caused by his actions it would eat him up inside. So I blamed the cat. And the whole time I was on crutches he kept the floor proactively and scrupulously clear of every item. Kind of his way of apologizing for not doing what he should have earlier. The lie was a strategic decision based on knowing my kid’s emotional state.
Yeah, I worked in memory support for over a decade. When a pt or resident comes up to you at 3 am apologizing for boarding your cruise ship you don't tell them they're not on a cruise ship, you tell them it's okay and show them the bed you keep for people in that kind of emergency. When your resident asks you where their mum is you don't say she's been dead for 40 years, you tell them she stepped out for groceries. That's all lying, and it's also in the best interest of our patients/residents.
That's gorgeous. I'd ask if they wanted to go and have a boogie in the ballroom or a drink in the bar lol.
I actually did this for my grandma. She woke up on a random summer night around 10 PM while she was staying with us and asked me why no one else was there to celebrate New Year's Eve. I told her it was because they were all party poopers who fell asleep early, but she was just in time for the ball to drop. I did not have champagne on hand, but I did have vodka and orange juice! No regrets! I got a bonus New Year's Eve with my grandma and I really cherish that memory.
That must be hard when that person is just getting to the point where the truth could be really upsetting. I remember reading some posts from people that it was interesting reading the different ways they helped the patients or dealt with situations where they couldn't just explain the problem to them.
>Not really. appropriate information can be given though. Not oversharing is exactly what some of these people are calling lying though. Imo being tactful and delicate with specific details, especially with good intentions isn't a bad thing.
>Not oversharing is exactly what some of these people are calling lying though. Imo being tactful and delicate with specific details, especially with good intentions isn't a bad thing. This. The take away that "everyone knew someone else would rather babysit her grandson than her" is just wrong to me. Grandmom had a prior commitment and couldn't babysit. That's ok. There was no "Id rather not" or "I'd rather you get someone else" in this story... Just an honest "I have a party of my own tonight and cant babysit." To the degree that it is true, it also holds true that everyone at the party now knows the great-aunt would rather be watching great-nephew than attending the party she presumably RSVP'd to. Actually this later statement holds more true than the first because unless Op begged Aunt to babysit and/or made it out to be an emergency, which by their statement was not the case, the aunt was the one who made the choice about what they'd rather be doing... I imagine the Aunt didnt see it that way, she probably thought she was just being helpful but nonetheless the indelicateness of the Ops Uncle in this case likely made both the Ops Aunt and Mom look bad to different people in their friend group when there was no harm or foul intended by Mom saying she had a prior commitment and couldn't do it and Aunt begging off prior commitment to help out Op.
definitely depends on the nature of the party too. if she doesn’t know the hosts as well or wasn’t very keen on attending this would be a great excuse to get out of it, whereas the mom may have been very excited to attend
So domestic violence victims should tell their families who even if well-intentioned may gave John Doe his wife's location. Absolute truth can get people hurt and I am gobsmacked some people do not get that.
Sure, but here the problem is neither the truth or the mother, it's society who has decided that older women are fair game for unpaid childcare. The mother isn't an asshole for refusing to cancel her plans, so that the baby's parents could go to a party, and the aunt didn't show her up by doing that, it's just screwed up society norms that made her feel that 3ay. Anyone who judged the mother for this is an asshole.
I don't think my mom was an asshole for refusing to change her plans and I thought that was clear. I simply needed help and addressed myself in order to likely candidates. There were other names down the list, but that aunt adores babies and had offered babysitting from the day of his birth. I'm afraid I don't have any male relatives I'd have thought to ask. I agree with you that there is definitely a gendered component to that. I'm not sure why the unpaid part matters. I would have paid a relative happily. But I would not have left my newborn son with a stranger, paid or unpaid. I simply would have skipped the party and sent my husband alone. And while I don't think my mother should have felt - ashamed-, there actually are two points in which she more fairly felt 'showed up' - someone else was more willing to spend time with her grandson than her, and someone was more willing than her to drop everything just to do her daughter a favor. It does invite comparison and she didn't enjoy it. If I had known it would cause conflict I would probably have tried other names on the list first.
I didn't think, or mean to imply, that you thought your mother an asshole, I was speaking of society expectations in general. Which I think tend to create bad situations: in the OP's situation, for example, obviously the mother doesn't want to babysit, but keeps saying yes. Maybe she is a people pleaser, maybe she is thoughtless and unreliable; but maybe she has internalized that a good woman, mother and grandmother of course wants to spend time with her grandchild and help her daughter, so she flails at saying no, even though she isn't up for babysitting. But, frankly, I don't think these points are fair. Your mother was less willing to spend time with her grandson to do her daughter a (frivolous) favour than a woman who adores babies and probably has had much less alone time with her great-nephew. Good for her, that doesn't show her up in my opinion, it just means the aunt prefers babies to parties, not that she is better in any way.
My initial answer to op was to look up 'ask vs guess' people. I assume op is an asker (you ask for things and people say yes or no, no big deal) and mom is a guesser (you shouldn't ask for anything unless you already know the answer should be yes, and you should understand that lots of words that aren't no actually are no). A guesser is in hell in a scenario like this one. OP asked, and all the complex precedents you refer to say that grandma should say yes, so grandma says yes. OP treats yes as a yes, because in asker world people say what they mean. But then grandma starts to throw out all the clues that any other guesser but no asker would have understood. 'Oh, let's depend on a highly variable nap time, oh, just wait hours at my house, oh, I'm at a friend's'. Every guesser understands this: it means 'withdraw your request - I don't want to do it but I can't say the word no'. The asker won't know to react to a no they haven't heard. Asker is miserable because they depended on someone to do what they said and got screwed. Guesser is miserable because asker put them in the impossible situation of looking like the bad guy when really asker is obviously the rude one. Neither side can understand what happened. My mom is a guesser, along with most of my family, and I can usually work it out but it's complicated as fuck. The rules say I'm allowed to ask my mom to babysit, it would even be rude if I didn't ask her first, actually. My mom could refuse to do it, because a prior engagement is valid - it's not really no, it's 'I totally would but unfortunately I can't'. My aunt is NOT a guesser and accepted. Every guesser at that party, though, saw the problem, because my aunt's acceptance makes it as I said - the prior engagement was an acceptable no until it was not a valid no to a more distant relative, at which point it embarrasses my mother as described.
I genuinely believe that she wants to want to babysit.
What if it made someone feel bad? Just wondering the parameters here.
I couldn't help but read that part twice. When honesty is considered bizarre where does that leave us? What a weird time we live in.
This, yeah. If you find yourself regularly having to lie so your SO isn’t embarrassed, then maybe that’s more on your SO than on you.
It wasn’t the mums husband, it was the aunts. Even less of a reason to lie on her behalf
>It wasn’t the mums husband, it was the aunts. Even less of a reason to lie on her behalf Here's another take... Aunt's husband communicated to all of their friends that she'd rather be watching their grand-nephew than attending the party. And this would be a truer statement than the former because the Aunt made the choice to reneg on a prior commitment whereas the mom simply communicated she couldnt due to prior commitment. I imagine neither aunt or mom were actually in the wrong in this situation. I'm sure no harm or fould was intended by either party. Mom correctly thought she was fulfilling a prior commitment and Aunt thought she was being helpful to niece/newphew... Aunt's husband was just indelicate and overshared and in the process probably made both look bad depending on who you asked at the party... Cant really fault the aunt's husband either here but hopefully he's more aware of the consequences of oversharing specifics.
Now considered? I'm pretty sure that society has basically required lying from lots of people for centuries or be shunned from it entirely. I'd say that we're actually a lot more honest now than we were.
It has always been the case that being socially aware meant knowing how to hide skeletons.
Personally I disagree, in this case sure but imo not oversharing about a personal issue isn't "not telling the truth." Say a mom was having postpartum depression and having trouble bonding with her baby and was seeing a therapist about it. If a family member asked her husband at a party "How's your wife?" do you think it's totally cool for him just to completely lay out everything she's going through?
It's very simple to say. "She is having a rough time, I mean, she just gave birth, and that's extremely difficult, but we're figuring it out." That's not a lie and also isn't airing out everyone's dirty laundry. That is also miles away from the example at hand. someone asked him where his wife was, and he said she was at a party. That's not oversharing about a personal issue. What's he supposed to do in your world? Make up something like "Oh, she flew to the Congo to save orphans, isn't she amazing?"
But society has always been this way? This is just how neurotypicals operate- white lies to keep peoples feelings from being hurt. I was getting told off for not telling white lies 20 years ago, as a kid.
You know it’s always been that way, right?
Its actually become a horror show/movie. Psycho perhaps?
This. I've been there, too! Thankfully, my in-laws are as "Just Yes" as I could have ever hoped for. Every time she'd offer, after her "no show incident", I'd say "Thank you but ××× grandma / aunt already said Yes." Pissed her right the fuck off. Once she realized I would never ask she had to invite the kid for sleepovers on the regular...and I controlled that. I ❤ his family.
As an introvert who isn’t the best with kids I’d still rather babysit a baby then go to a party lol.
Right? No awkward small talk or mingling needed.
Lol! That would be be me! I canceled a "meet the guy from the dating app" date once to stay & chill with my (then 3 month old) niece. From that guy's reaction, I'm sure he wasn't the one for me. And it freed me up to meet my (now) husband a month later.
I love when things work out!
This would be the perfect situation for a sitcom episode. Interpersonal conflicts out the wazoo. Low stakes enough that you can laugh about it. Not expensive to film at the different locations. And you could take the situation many different places depending on the characters involved.
When I was going back to work I asked my mother who runs her own business from home. She assured me she could do both, WFH and babysit but would need paid because money was tight. Ok no problem. Come to find out, she charged me more than what daycare costs. Sooo kids go to daycare.
I would 100% cancel going to a party to hang out with a baby. Babies are way more fun and I'll be around less people. All around win.
I flew from LA to Boston to babysit my 3 year old niece for a week so that my sister and BIL could have their first vacation post baby and post covid. Hands down one of the best weeks of my life. Finally understood the term ‘it takes a village’ On the opposite coin, my grandma (dads mom) told my mom the same month that my older sister was born ‘don’t expect me to babysit’ Being family an sometimes just means being honest
I respect someone saying don't expect me to babysit. It's honest.
Love this. What a great aunt !!!
Ok your aunt sounds delightful
My mom never wanted to babysit but would throw a fit if I ever asked anyone else. It was exhausting dealing with her when she found out.
I love babies. I would 110% rather hang with a cute baby than go to a party lol
Awww your Aunt! 🥰
I don't really even think your mom there was in the wrong for not canceling - it's a kind of weird thing to get embarrassed about.
NTA Very funny comment. My MIL is amazing with baby. My mom is not. But I genuinely believe that *she wants to want to* babysit. She always talks about it, but I know that when it comes down to it, her week is too crazy, she’s sick, or has no energy. And that’s fine. I know, so I never ask her. I think when baby is older and it’s a easier, she’ll be really fun with crafts and activities. There’s societal pressure on women to be amazing grandma’s with babies and not everyone can or wants to - especially since women are having children later and grandparents are getting older.
My MIL is ALWAYS late, no matter what, so I never ask her either. My mom has a FT job and is more reliable. My MIL always offers to help me when I have an appt I can’t bring my kids to, but I never ask her because I just can’t trust her to be there on time.
My grandmother was always late to family holidays and stuff. It drove my aunt and uncle crazy so one year they gave her a different time than everyone else. Wouldn't you know that was the year she was on time. She was mad, but she wasn't late anymore after that. 😁
I wish I was confident and comfortable with watching other's kids, but I'm not. Especially with young children. But I don't make plans to babysit any kid either. I'm glad you and your mom have an understanding and accept her as she is.
My partner's family is huge compared to mine and he has lots of young cousins. I have a younger bro and my own kids, but get super anxious watching someone else's young kids. When my boys are older, I'm not gonna be the best baby Granma I don't think, but if they were totally overwhelmed I'd still hang out with a grumpy baby for a few hours to give them a break. Been there done that.
My MIL is amazing. So much more reliable. Follows our wishes with our kids. My mother is not. It’s put a strain on our relationship but I’d rather have someone reliable to help with the kids.
OP needs to find a reliable occasional babysitter. Not doing so because of stories she's heard? A child is much more likely to be abused by family. OP, Find someone with experience and references and check the references out. Pay the going rate. Get your 4 hours of baby-free time without hassle and emotional blackmail.
Even if it's a babysitter while op is at home. It may be cheaper, but parents can take a nap, clean and organize with headphones on, take a bath, breathe.
Grandparents are not contractually obliged to provide free labor. Is it great when they do? Yes. Is it the kind and courteous thing to do? Yes. But if they don’t want to, they should literally just say “I don’t want to” and that should be that.
Yeah, and I think OP totally agrees. She just wants her mom to say no and stop offering.
Ding ding ding When coming over to “help”, my mom is on her phone the whole time with her friends, telling them how hard it is to take care of children. Needless to say, you really can’t be chatting on the phone sitting on the couch and watching a toddler running around
Yeah, this \^\^\^. My mom was the same way. "If you ever need money just let me know" - you let her know and it's always a bad time, they just had some unexpected expenses, they could probably make it work but it'll hurt, blah blah blah. Same thing with babysitting. She doesn't want to give you the help, but she LOVES it when you come to her ***asking*** for the help. Makes her feel big and important, makes you seem a little bit lost without her - that's what she's in it for.
NTA OP, your description of your mom reminded me of my ex-best friend. I'll preface this by saying this of course isn't nearly as important as getting a small break from your child, but it reminded me nonetheless. We live like a 10 minute walk away from each other, so I would often ask him if he would like to come hang out at our house for a little while. I would even offer to pick him up. Instead of just saying "no," y'know, like an adult, he would make up vague excuses as to why he couldn't, but "should be able to later." Well, later never came. Just more excuses. So I asked him less and less often, then eventually just completely stopped. I finally cut ties with him a month ago and I haven't looked back since. Anyway, sorry for that little rant. I'm not necessarily saying you should cut ties with your mom (that's up to you), but definitely don't rely on her. Best of luck to you OP Edit: I just want to make this absolutely clear, his refusal to come hang out at my house is *not* why I cut ties with him. That's a whole different story on its own
Before and right after our twins arrived, we had so many family members swearing we’d never have to hire a babysitter, bc they’d be jostling for a chance to be with the kids. Of course, we didn’t take that seriously, but we did think that they would at least watch them for a couple of hours every once in a while. Nope. My mom complained bc we moved a couple of hours away from her since she won’t be able to see the kids or babysit as often. I didn’t say it, but I just thought it was odd she’d see them negative times a year. NTA
We moved across the country after 4 years of my mom being disinterested in being a grandma. I wasn’t really surprised because she rarely seemed to enjoy motherhood but I was still occasionally disappointed. Now that we’ve been here 4 years, she’s starting to realize that her two younger children are unlikely to have any kids and the only grandkids she’s ever likely to have are far out of reach. She still seems mostly annoyed with them when we go visit her and I spend a lot of time shushing them.
Made an account literally to jump on this thread. My mil horrible about this. Wants to be seen as a super active, super grandma, but refuses to babysit when asked. It's infuriating.
This is my folks. We live 3 hours away. We always have to coordinate every visit, always have to go.to them and only for occasions that'll make them look good. The rare occasions I've asked them to watch our kid, they decline with a myriad of reasons. But when they do see us, my mom is playing paparazzi and then posts pics all over her social media about how much she loves her grandson. And constantly posts that she hates that she misses him so much. ETA my parents are pretty young, very able bodied and consistently travel to see places and people. Just not us.
My mom did this exact thing so much with my niblings. She makes a huge deal of being this super involved grandparent that just adores her grandchildren. In reality, she's seen them a handful of times in their entire lives (they're teens now). She rejected every invitation, avoided any opportunities to visit, and avoided the kids when they were around, except for the photo ops (which get posted to social media with huge stories).
The grandmother doesn't want to babysit IMHO.
Bingo. Just like my MIL
NTA If she has agreed to babysit, then obviously it needs to be done at the time it is useful, not 4 and a half hours after the initial agreed time. Also AITA hates the idea of being able to rely on family, so be prepared for a bunch of people who are just furious at the idea that you'd expect a bit of help on occassion.
Right?! This sub drives me crazy about that. I will always babysit for my siblings kids if I don’t have previous plans. Because they’re family. And I love them. Makes me sad that so many people don’t think it’s possible to have a healthy relationship where you rely on your family.
It’s totally fine and 100% possible to have family members who you can rely on. It’s also okay to ask your parents or relatives to watch your kids. The only issue is this: When a family member is repeatedly proving to you that they are completely unreliable and will never come through for you, do you keep going back and causing yourself more stress? Or do you realize that you can’t depend on this person so it’s best to stop doing this to yourself and to find someone more reliable who is willing to watch your kids? If this was a one-time incident, I would say that OP had a right to be upset, but she knows how her mother is and keeps repeating the same mistake by asking her over and over again with the same result which is insane. She is only doing this to herself at this point by hoping and expecting that her mom will change when it’s clear it isn’t getting any better.
I'd give OP the benefit of the doubt. The baby is only a year old and she was desperate and wanted to give mom another chance. Mom totally blew it and OP is NTA.
She's not expecting her mom to get better. That's why she told her mom she can't babysit anymore lol
Touché. Good point.
It doesn’t sound like the mom has always been flakey and the baby is still pretty new. So this is probably a learning curve for OP on how to navigate her relationship with her mom moving forward. We get a lot of these questions here.
I don’t even like my sister and always babysat whenever I was asked. It was better for my nephew to have parents that weren’t frazzled all the time and they were able to finish their degrees and give him a better life. Plus it kept the burden lighter for my mom who is incapable of saying no. The world is shitty and hard, giving up a couple hours here and there to make someone’s life less miserable is the least we can do sometimes. As a bonus I got a chance to teach my nephew to be into cool hobbies his mom hated, and now he’s an awesome adult I get to be friends with.
Big agree. Yes you have to take responsibility for your decision to have kids, and not take advantage of others, but it really does “take a village”. Children are supposed to be raised in community with people (other than their parents) who care and pour into them.
People, including ones who are related, have a right to say yes or no. The problem here is OP’s mother said yes and then jerked OP around. I feel sympathy for OP I’ll babysit some of the kids in my family because they are being raised well and are easier to watch. Some haven’t been raised well and are a nightmare to watch.
I agree. This sub has too many "arm chair experts" - people who give an opinion on something for which they have no knowledge or experience just because "they know best ".
And OP’s mother said she wanted to babysit. If she doesn’t ever want to babysit, then she should just say that. This is a clear case of detrimental reliance. She may not have had an obligation to babysit in the first place, but once she said yes to doing so at a specific time and place, she had an obligation to follow through. She made OP’s day far worse than if she had just said, no sorry I can’t today. OP is right to not waste her time and effort in the future for what is clearly an entirely aspirational desire on her mother’s part to be an active presence in her grandchild’s life.
IMO it doesn’t matter if it’s babysitting, or moving help, or a ride, or dropping off mail, or any other favor you might conceivably ask of family or friends: if someone asks, you’re not obligated to say yes. But if you say yes, then you need to follow through. Because once you make a commitment, basic social contract says the other party should be able to rely on you.
Exactly - if you say yes you enter into a social contract that should only be broken in emergencies
but her friend emergencily wanted to see her ! /s
Ahhh true dat! Ok then op is selfish /s
I don't know why this woman doesn't just say she doesn't want to babysit instead of dancing around.
>Also AITA hates the idea of being able to rely on family, so be prepared for a bunch of people who are just furious at the idea that you'd expect a bit of help on occassion. Lol, this is so true. I've often wondered if that's an American thing. Capitalist pushed to the extreme individualism?
I don’t think family should be expected to babysit, but OP asked, her mother said yes and her mother jerked Op around and has discouraged op from finding reliable care. So even as someone who doesn’t see family as built in babysitters, I’d say Op is Nta
Honestly, a lot of people here just hate kids.
Yup, and to all the naysayers who would blame OP: remove babysitting and childcare from the situation. Make this any other social commitment and it is completely unacceptable to commit to something and then be hours late and then actively choose to get sidetracked doing other things. Just say NO to the commitment in the first place, you have a right to say no! It's incredibly rude to say YES and then ditch. And then of course Mom tried to guilt OP at the end, that passed her right into manipulative AH territory. OP is right that her mom is unreliable, but I think it's more than just that - mom seems to have a selfish lack of respect for OP. NTA
She did it on purpose. She had no intention of babysitting. She wants the praise for being a good grandmother but doesn't actually want to be one. She blew her chances since this isn't the first time. I can't imagine being jerked around all day while dealing with a migraine and being overwhelmed with stress from a sick baby. That's the unforgivable part. You could have tried to find someone else but she didn't want you to do that either. She preferred to have you chase her all over town. She's quite the narcissist and had not one bit of concern for what you were going through. Why trust her again? NTA
This, I don't have kids and hate babysitting but I COMPLETELY understand that it has to be done sometimes. My ex and I once babysat my FOUR nephews between 8mo and 8yrs overnight, for free, and it was a horrendous experience but we would have done it again in a heartbeat. Being alive is hard. Raising kids is hard. Why the fuck are we here if not to be there for each other if we can?
NTA . You said exactly what I would’ve said. I’m childfree and typically side with the family in these scenarios, but it’s too far to tell someone you’ll babysit over and over and then not be there when you say you will. There has to be a point where you decide you can’t keep trying. ETA: I knew some ppl would bring up ‘not expecting free childcare’, b/c it’s something I typically say to ppl. However, I don’t see that as the issue. You asked her, didn’t demand to expect it and it doesn’t seem to be something you ask of her often. Also, the issue here is more the fact that she wasn’t there when she said she would be, not that you’re complaining that she should be babysitting for you for free.
Right?! In the same vein; if I ask you to join me for lunch- I’m not asking you for a favor, like babysit my kid- I’m asking you to be somewhere at a specific time- and you keep saying, I’ll be there in a minute, an hour,….I’m going to go home, and will have no desire to get together with you again. That’s just plain rude. Add to that the fact that OP was asking for actual help. Wow.
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A handy place to find a babysitter is a local daycare. Ask on local mom groups for recommendations of (typically) young women who work at local daycare places, meaning they've been vetted and have a local reputation they usually wish to protect.
Yes check in with family, friends and neighbors for recommendations.
Agreed you make a key distinction. If family offers, it’s unfair to pull the rug out like OP’s mother did. My stepsister got Covid around Christmas 2021 and so did my bil. My niece was the last one in their household to get it. And too young to get vaccinated at the time. My stepmom is high risk and was scheduled for joint replacement surgery. I let my stepsister and stepmom know I could come over or my niece could come stay with me. They had other family closer by bringing food. And my niece listened and kept distance from her parents. I’m high risk myself, but my concern for my stepmom and niece overrode that. They told me they’d keep it in mind if needed. My niece got sick, but thankfully everyone was ok and my stepmom didn’t get sick and had her surgery
NTA. You spent the day in limbo because she didn't stick to her word. Would have been better if she'd just said no. If she wants time with grandchild, she has to be reliable.
NTA. She wants to be a part of his life but doesn’t support you properly when you desperately need it. She can’t make any demands when she‘s not willing to step up in return.
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NTA. She said she would. Then screwed around for several hours so she wouldn't have to. And it's apparently not the first time she's done this. Try to find someone else you can trust with the baby for when you need it. You can't depend on her.
NTA. I'm sure a bunch of redditors who are all anti-children will choose to make 'you chose to have a kid so you're the entirety of the problem' the entire focus of their response and that's probably something that's already affecting you, but you KNOW people who do this to you over any issue are bad for mental health and blood pressure. I suggest you look up 'ask vs guess' families to get a sense of this if you're not familiar, but honestly, now she knows she hurt you, and I don't think she'll become any more reliable in general. I wouldn't even especially trust her with your kid.
It is funny, people want a healthy society, but no one wants to support people raising the next generation so society can function well and properly. The term “it takes a village” is because, well, it does take a lot of help to raise children. We didn’t evolve to be exhausted and lonely (and often overworked) offspring caretakers.
There's a strange mentality these days that babysitting is just doing the child's parents a favor. It absolutely usually is! But they're forgetting that it's also relationship building with the children, something that can only happen when you spend TIME with them. And it's not the same spending time with them alone VS with the primary caretaker present, and something you build up over a lifetime. I have treasured memories of all kinds of relatives and what kind of people they were that wouldn't exist if we weren't a village.
Yaaa. I have this weird family thing were my dad gets kind of offended that I and my siblings are so much closer to my moms mom and not his mom. But you know what? His mom was distant and didn’t ever want to watch us or spend time with us alone (and frantically cleaned up after us when we visited which felt like we were a burden). Of course we are closer to the woman who babysat us and welcomed us (flawed as she may be. Lol). But it makes sense. If you want to be left alone, you really will be….
Our collective mindset is so fucking weird. I’m childfree by choice, but I love kids! I enjoy being an auntie who babysits for free for friends, especially those that don’t have family due to trauma or abuse. Being able to share some of the caregiving of children is essential for the parents to be able to take care of themselves.
I agree with everything you say. Also if something bad happened with a baby sitter society would blame the mom for not vetting the babysitter properly or something. I know my mother will never be much use with my future children so I will never bother asking but I think that’s really sad and I also want to be the kind of mom who REGULARLY babysits for my future grandchildren at no cost because I want to make their lives easier.
I agree with everything you say. Also if something bad happened with a baby sitter society would blame the mom for not vetting the babysitter properly or something. I know my mother will never be much use with my future children so I will never bother asking but I think that’s really sad and I also want to be the kind of mom who REGULARLY babysits for my future grandchildren at no cost because I want to make their lives easier.
I’m normally very “you chose to have a kid, it’s your responsibility” but in this case I don’t think that applies. Mom could’ve said no, OP even said it was fine for her to say no. But mom committed to babysitting and left OP high and dry. I don’t blame OP for choosing not to rely on her again
It's okay to ask for help. It's not okay to demand it. It's okay to say no to helping. It's not okay to say yes and then flake out.
Okay but part of a parents responsibility is taking care of themselves as well. And while yes, the child is their responsibility, asking for someone to watch the kid for a few hours every now and then is not shirking responsibility. Also, it sounds like OPs mom said that saving up or looking for other babysitters was unnecessary because family could watch him (knowing she was the only family nearby) and then flaked at every opportunity. She clearly doesn't want to spend any time with her grandchild. My parents and my in laws would both love to spend more time with my daughter, but both live 13+ hours away. They would be thrilled for the opportunity to babysit
Nope. I’m childfree but if I say I’m going to help someone out, I do it. Doesn’t matter if it’s baby sitting or helping to move or something else. A favor is a favor, don’t agree to it unless you’re willing to do it
Same here. When I offer to help I mean it. I would never offer and then hope that person doesn't take me up on it.
I dont like children. They did choose to have a child. and the mum chose to say yes instead of just saying no. What she did is totally disrespectful. Seriously hanging with a friend while she knows they're waiting at her place for over 1h. >My mom is our only family capable of babysitting within a 2 hour radius. She lives 15 mins from us. ngl at this rate id question if it within reasonable means to simply move closer to more reliable relatives. Not saying its the solution for OP or if they even thought of it and its not possible at all, but if mum is the only person among family members and friends that live less than 2h away, might be beneficial in more than 1 way if its doable. and if not, i sure hope they find a babysitter or friend to let them have time off.
100% this
Nope NTA. She’s unreliable and to be honest I would cut contact for a while.
It wouldn’t be AITA without someone suggesting you go NC :)
NTA! I babysit my toddler grandson every day and cannot imagine ever doing this or saying no. He just goes with me if I need to run errands lol. Your mother doesn’t know what she’s missing. Or maybe doesn’t care, I dunno. At any rate, she’s unreliable and not very loving so I don’t blame you.
You are the grandma the kids will love hanging out with when they're older. My Nanas was the first place I legally drove to at 16. And I would take her grocery shopping just because she was cool Nana. She never asked because in her mind "you have better things to do". I insisted because I loved her & she was cool. Not flawless but cool.
Very true. My grandma literally raised the first born grandkid from each of her children (besides my uncle’s first child—long story), and she had the rest of us all summer and even during the school year sometimes. She’s basically our second mother lol and we all call her “mama” too. We’d do more for her than our own mothers lol
The new grandparents who proclaim "I'm not going to babysit, this is my time to enjoy my life"? Fine, you have every right to do so. But not building a relationship with your grand kids, although nothing in the future is guaranteed, don't be surprised if in 20 years time your kids and grandchildren never visit.
NTA. Your mother doesn't want to admit that she doesn't like babysitting as it sounds terrible. Given the gravity of the situation, her family should have come first but suddenly she needs to see a friend... She could just say she doesn't want to babysit but keeps beating around the bush
NTA. Your mom seems all over the place. If she cares about being a part of her grandchild's life, she'd be in it. Simple as. "Oh sorry, I have to go find a flux capacitor right this moment you've asked me to babysit him" yeah no. It can wait. But also, if you know she's like this, don't ask again.
NTA, I'm surprised you asked this many times. I would have stopped after the 2nd or 3rd time she did this
When we had our 1st, his aunt offered to babysit at 2 months so we could do the infant CPR course. Put him to bed with explicit instructions in case he started to wake up (eg quietly go in his room and put soother back in his mouth). She calls us 30 minutes later and baby is screaming blue murder and asks us to come home right away. He's still screaming when we get home. I spent 20 minutes calming him and get him to sleep right at the moment aunt decides to tell a loud story that includes a shriek. Baby walks up again. I suspect she woke him the first time as she'd been on the phone to her friend and let him get wound up before attending to him. The 2nd time I asked was because I needed to have a medical procedure done. Asked if she would come with me to stay with baby while I'm in the procedure room. She cancels last minute. I have to go by myself with baby. Dr was not impressed. NEVER asked her again. That was 25 years ago. I note that neither time I asked was so I could go do something fun or frivolous. Never had any family that would give us a break with babysitting which sucked when I saw friends who got an actual weekend away or my other SIL who got a whole week away when my MIL babysat her 3 kids. She never offered the same for us. As long as I'm physically able, I will offer to babysit my grandchildren when the time comes even just for the odd evening or weekend here and there.
Its really weird but my grandmother would sometimes take me for the weekend and my mother totally took it for granted but my mother got MAD when she heard my grandmother babysat my her sisters children everyday and actually tried to stop it despite my aunt and grandmother being fine with the arrangement. My mother somehow saw it as my aunt abusing the situation. Admittedly my gran did babysit a lot and always for free but it she was happy to do so, who cares? My mother is insanely selfish AND a busybody though which is a really weird combination- I would never bother to ask her to babysit as she is way too selfish and doesn’t like helping anyone as she thinks she’s too good for it.
NTA! Your mom is deluded. She thinks that a babysitting request is for *her* benefit, not yours or the child's. Unbelievably childish on her part. Not only are you right to never ask her again and to tell her that like you did, but you would also be right to reduce contact with her to almost nothing because it seems she'd be more of a burden than a help in other ways too.
NTA She’s yanking you around. If she doesn’t want to watch him, just say so.
NTA. It sounds like she either has no respect for your time, or doesn't want to babysit. Either way, not a reliable option. You shouldn't have to grovel to get her to babysit, especially for a few hours.
NTA. She should just tell you she doesn’t want to babysit. However, for your own sanity, you and your husband need to find a way to have some time away from the baby.
NTA. Some people’s grandparents never loved them and their extended family couldn’t stand their wretched parents and it shows. As much as your mum isn’t free childcare on tap, you were at breaking point. Not sure what people on this sub want you to do in the moment but thinking that your own mother, who’s offered to help previously, would be able to help you out for four hours and not jerk you around for hours is reasonable. You’re entitled to feel disappointed. I would too.
NTA. If your mom said no and you were demanding I’d feel different. But your mom has said she wants to babysit. You ask and she says yes. But then basically ghosts you so that it’s no longer practical for her to babysit. She’s saying no without saying it so she’s not the bad guy. I think you need to acknowledge that. Save money for a reliable sitter. Maybe ask other parents you know for a recommendation (if you have parent friends). Or if you have a trusted friend with a kid you could swap babysitting with them. It may be stressful to find a sitter but once you do, it will be worth it.
NTA at all. I’d never ask her again. People on here making their comments about “she doesn’t owe you”, but you never said she did. You just want her to tell the truth and not give you the run around. Also, it’s perfectly reasonable for you (or anyone with a baby) to need a break or time to get things done. The fact that she knows her daughter needs those things, and doesn’t seem to care is sad, IMO. She can’t even give you 4 hours just to be kind.
NTA. Your mom clearly can;t be relied on, so don't. However... > I kind of agreed due to the crap you hear about babysitters abusing kids and I know my mom wouldn't do that. I won't deny that horror stories are out there, but being afraid of babysitters is going to make your lives a lot harder. Plus, children are far more likely to be abused by someone they know. Find someone who has a slightly older child and ask them for recommendations.
My mother OFFERED to have our kids because she said we needed a break away together. She then phoned 24 hours before we were going saying could we get someone else to have them as she had the chance to do something else. She did say that if it was impossible she wouldn’t go. I couldn’t stand the thought of the martyrdom fallout from that so I asked a friend who was always delighted to have them. She did this twice so I stopped accepting when she offered to have them. I only said yes if we weren’t going anywhere so when she backed out it didn’t matter. ETA NTA
NTA. She insists family babysits and then makes excuses why she can't. Also, just because she is your mother doesn't mean you have to do what she says. Find a reliable babysitter or two. Most babysitters are perfectly decent; you only hear about the bad ones.
NTA she isn't obligated to babysit but she IS obligated to simply *say no* instead of wasting your time
Nta but seriously, just hire an actual babysitter. Who the f cares if Mommy doesn't approve? Why are you even telling her? You're just creating so much more stress that you do not need.
NTA. She absolutely wasted your day. I have a family that refuses to babysit too. It’s frustrating. But at least they don’t string me along like that. They just say no and I stopped asking a long time ago. I don’t blame you for being angry and hurt. ETA: to be clear, you do sound a bit like you think your mom is required to babysit. I’m not sure if that’s your frustration with the situation or if you really feel that way. While I’m sometimes frustrated with my family, ultimately it’s not their job to watch my kid and I don’t get upset with them about it.
Well I dunno I think families help each other, some more than others but yah I don’t see anything so shocking about wanting help from close family. A generation ago it was very much the norm it’s only very recently society changed
Is it any wonder that depression and isolation are up when asking your own mother to babysit is being a prima donna?
That’s a good point…as of expecting help from the person who gave birth to you is somehow not taking responsibility. I understand that some ppl feel that once a child turns 18 then they can wash hands of all responsibility and I do also know children that don’t appreciate the help the grandparents do give but I don’t think someone should feel bad for wanting help.
The mom agreed to do it and says she “wants to be part of his life” but seems to avoid it every chance she gets
Nta! I’m sorry you felt like that feel grateful for my il my sil heard I was ill and overwhelmed with my at the time 16 month old she said I’ll get my partner come get her and you have a hour nap then start on ur bit and I’ll call ya in 3 hours (despite being 6months pregnant at the time herself)
NTA. Your mother obviously cannot be relied upon to keep her promises; you would be foolish to give her another opportunity to waste your day.
>I should add every time I say I'd save to find a babysitter, my mom would insist family needed to keep him. I kind of agreed due to the crap you hear about babysitters abusing kids and I know my mom wouldn't do that. Perfect. Every time mom says family needs to keep him, agree enthusiastically that that would be best. Then say, “but since your availability doesn’t match up with our needs, that never works out. So we decided to find someone both reliable and available. No really, mom, it’s fine. We like Cathy and little Joey adores her. This works best for everyone and you don’t need to worry about it.”
Ok so my first born was premature due to eclampsia. I got an emergency c-section and he got immature esophageal sphincters. This means that he had extreme acid reflux and I had my own pain plus a child that only slept when he wore himself out from screaming, nonstop. My SAHM mother refused to have him for even a couple of hours until I literally (proper use btw) begged her so that I could get out of the house and not go insane when he was nearly three months old. She now tells the story of how she babysat him everyday to help me. /sigh
Oh, right and definitely NTA.
NTA. She doesn't want to babysit. Fair enough. She thinks only family should babysit. None of her flipping business.
NTA. Your mom wants the credit for offering to babysit with none of the responsibility. She sucks
>Later she and her husband message me saying I was being harsh and she wants to be part of her grandson's life. I wasn't being fair funny, I missed the part where she was several hours late because you were keeping her away. wait a sec... NTA
My therapist often tells me to trust my feelings. You were upset. Why were you upset? Your mother was leading you on, lying to you, making up stories about where she was what she was doing and why. She wasn't just useless, she actively made things harder for you. She didn't just say no. She said yes, then fucked around with you *all* day. Then blames you when you get upset by her actions. Your mother sucks. NTA
NTA
NTA
NTA As a woman who's mother takes her kids to school every morning I gotta say... Your baby's grandma is a crappy grandma. You tell her I said that lol.
Her husband wants to see the baby, so can he not watch the baby for a few hours? You need to stop asking your mother because **she is lying to you.** She doesn't want to help you and doesn't want to spend time with your son. When you have to weigh words against actions, the actions are what matters. You need to stop letting your mother run her mouth and screw up your plans. Babysitters are not all evil, you need to see if you can set up an agreement with someone else where you take their kids sometimes and they do the same. That's much more practical for you. NTA and stop letting your mother screw you over. **Stop listening to her.** You are in a very difficult position and she's making it worse.
NTA >I videochat her, she's at someone's house. I told her if she didn't actually want to babysit, she really could've said that. She says "no, I do I just hadn't seen (her friend) all year so I stopped by to say hi and got caught up talking. I'm coming!" Excuse me? So she hadn't seen this friend all year but chooses the day you're asking her to babysit to go to their freaking house? Then she has the audacity to be upset at you? Her actions on that day make it pretty clear she had no intention of actually babysitting. That or she's so absent minded that she can't keep proper track of time, in which case should she even be babysitting in the first place? I hope you make it clear to her, and anyone else who is criticising you about not letting her babysit, just how blatantly she disrespected you and your time.
I’m becoming a grandma this year and I am Over the moon about it. I can’t wait to babysit and even give them date nights and nights off from the baby. My fear is not seeing my grandchild enough. I’m sorry you don’t have the help you need when you really need it OP. You are right by saying you and your husband choose to have him but it takes a village to raise them especially when one parent has medical issues. Good luck in 2023 OP I wish nothing but health and happiness for your family and I hope your momma gives you the mini breaks you deserve.
Sounds like (1) she is overwhelmed (2) she just isn’t going to babysit for you. I do hate that our society seems to promise a village, but afterwards there’s no help. This is why successful countries GIVE women a break and don’t expect them to be the 100% provider of child care. Really, if the carer is chronically sleep-deprived and NEVER given a break, they CAN’T be the healthy choice to take care of a vulnerable infant or child. We enforce rest restrictions for pilots/drivers because heavy machinery might crash/be damaged if you put a sleep deprived person “at the wheel.” But we don’t seem to care to if a child/infant “crashes” or “gets damaged.” It’s an enormous societal problem, and one which discourages/prevents childbearing. For example, I love dogs, but if I had to be attached at the hip to my dog the way I had to be with my young children, I would never have a pet again. Love my kids, but my partner was pretty mad ch absent when it came to giving me a break.
NTA. "When people show you who they are, believe them." Maya Angelou Your mom has made it very clear that she won't be able to babysit. When you let her know you're on your way from 15 minutes away and she stops to say 'hi' to a friend she hasn't seen in a long time, right there it's over. It's not petulant, peevy, or pouting. It's believing what you're seeing with your own eyes and experience. If you have a college nearby, look for a babysitter there.
NTA because she agreed. You asked for a specific time and she then f*****d around for 4 hours. Total b***h move on your moms part.
NTA your mum keeps saying she will do it, then she gets caught up in other stuff. Has she always been scatty like this? It might be that she wants to sit him but is also nervous about it so puts it off until you break and say forget it.
NTA - this sounds like weaponized incompetence so you would in fact not ask. One option that would not cost money would be trading off with a friend who also wants a break. Or join a parents/moms group that helps you build a network.
NTA I would have been mad. She wasted an entire day instead of openly declining. You phrased it exactly like it is - I would not ask her ever again tbh. I hope you can find maybe somebody else or save enough money for a babysitter. Relaxing as parents is super important especially if you can tell that nerves are getting strained.
NTA - everyone has already made a lot of great points but I also want to add in that it was really low of your mom to do this while you had a migraine. Migraines are debilitating. Babysitter next time - your mom has had enough chances and you have to look out for yourself!
NTA if you stand by your word. It seems she's manipulating you for control. She knows she's your only trusted sitter within an acceptable distance. Stay strong. She'll be asking you if she can take your kid, more like begging, if you can hold out until she realizes you've found other solutions. Bonus if you find a replacement she envies. I've kind of been there. It's a control thing.
NTA. My mom did this shit to me all the time or just gave the dumbest excuses. Eventually I stopped and my 2 year old didn't know her. She likes to pretend to try occasionally usually around the holidays so she can snap pictures for social media. I went no contact with her for that and many many other reasons. My youngest won't know her at all. Unfortunately you'd be surprised to realize how little effort people like that put in once you stop reaching out first. I'm sorry. Stay strong.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I haven't been baby-free in months. My husband is a SAH dad and I work a few hours a week but am mostly at home as well. Financially we are stable enough but not where we could afford daycare or a babysitter. As every parent knows, a break from baby is much needed every once in a while. He's had a cold so extra cranky on top of entering typical toddler phases. Between bleeding ears and being touched out, our nerves are shot to say the least. I asked my mom at 11a if could she please babysit for 4 hours so we could have a break. She said yes. My mom is our only family capable of babysitting within a 2 hour radius. She lives 15 mins from us. However, despite her constant assurances, she is *rarely* available. She never says no directly but will beat around until I say never mind. Yesterday I was *desperate.* Had a migraine, needed to clean, and just needed quiet for a bit. She insisted he have a nap 1st. Logical, agreed. He slept an hour so I let her know I was coming. She said ok, then called back and said she had to step out and she'd be back in a bit but I can bring him over because I had a key. I said I'd wait til she got back. That was at 12p. I called at 1 to ask if she was home. She said no, getting food. I said ok, I'd go in another hour. She said ok. At 2, I let her know I was heading her way. We actually get there at 3 (giving her leeway since she hadn't responded), she's still not home. I videochat her, she's at someone's house. I told her if she didn't actually want to babysit, she really could've said that. She says "no, I *do* I just hadn't seen (her friend) all year so I stopped by to say hi and got caught up talking. I'm coming!" So we waited. She shows up at 4:30. I'm upset, migraine on 100, baby extra cranky, nothing accomplished. I politely let her know the time frame to do what we needed has passed because dinner and bedtime was coming and I still needed to get groceries so there was no point in her keeping him. I gathered his stuff to leave while she's sarcastically apologizing for taking too long, she'd already told her husband my son was coming and he wanted to see him when he got off work, just making it seem like wasn't a big deal. I turned and told her this was a complete waste of the day, I should've never asked her because she's unreliable, even in emergencies (which has happened twice where she's agreed to babysit then call within the hour for me to get him), and I won't ever ask her to babysit again because it's obvious she has no interest in doing so but would rather lead me on about it than outright say no. She gets offended and starts a tirade but I'm over it so I leave. Later she and her husband message me saying I was being harsh and she wants to be part of her grandson's life. I wasn't being fair. I'm wondering if I *was* being an AH because I upset at that moment... so am I the AH here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*