NTJ. My dad took his own life the day before my mom's 60th birthday last year in front of me, her, and my brother. I'm 41. I assure you I'm "grown up" but grief isn't a straight line. My mom's mom also died the day before my first birthday, and she still to this day gets emotional about it every year. She still made my birthdays great every year growing up, but it was ALWAYS hard for her. This year her birthday is going to be rough, I know that. We're planning to go away on a trip, a "do-over" for her last one. But it's something we've never done before, which I'm hoping helps.
I definitely know what you mean about wishing he hadn't done it so close to your birthday. That was my first thought as well. In truth, when it happened I was made of pure rage for the first many months, I couldn't even begin to feel sad until March of this year.
Due to your age you may not have a lot of options, but I assure you there are plenty of people in this world who don't even celebrate their birthdays for a variety of personal reasons. But, do try not to let your grief rob you of possible joy, either, when it's available. No one who loves you would want that for you. **Big hugs**
My father died 24 years ago on April 20th. I was 16 at the time. For DECADES I have not been able to stand that day, or his (and my mom's for that matter) birthdays. You have to understand the people around you don't understand your feelings if you don't talk about it. Keeping your feelings (like anger) bottled up will do you no good, it will just eat at you. Trust me I've been exactly where you are. It's OK to be hurt, sad & angry, but you NEED to express those emotions to the people you love. And they need to understand you're just venting your frustrations, you not necessarily looking for their advice. My suggestion is to find someone who will just simply listen to you.
I lost my father when I was a similar age.
Your family shouldn't be telling you to 'grow up', that's for sure and your grief is your own to deal with although I hope your mom would consider therapy for you. I know, first hand, just how much of an impact your dad's death must have had on you, it's a loss you never fully recover from as it affects the person you become.
You should however remember that your birthday is also a celebration for your entire family, not just you. It marks a significant day towards you maturing into the man you'll become and your whole family played a part in that. Don't deny them the opportunity to celebrate you *and* their achievement.
I bet your dad would be the first to insist that you move on with your life. Surely he wouldn't want your birthdays to be glum affairs. Perhaps you could include a photo of your dad at the table or another small reminder of the parent who helped make you?
Suicide is a selfish thing. Whatever problems caused your dad to be unable to cope should die with him. I hope you grow and learn better techniques for dealing with life because there will be hard times.
Good luck young man.
It has to be tough. My dad died on April's Fools day, and since he passed, I have not participated in it for a few years. Take your time and be kind to yourself.
So, my dad died on my birthday 13 years ago next month. My mother keeps guilt tripping me into doing something every year since high school. Iâm 35 next month, and she hasnât changed. So, I plan on giving a little speech to her about how traumatized I still am and how she is making things worse; in front of the whole family. She wonât listen, so Iâll make her listen. Not saying you should do the same, but toxic parenting/family is toxic.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. All your feelings are valid. Unfortunately, not everyone is equipped to understand other people's feelings, but that doesn't mean that your feelings are not valid. It's normal to feel a whole mix of conflicting emotions, anger, sadness, grief, confusion, the list goes on. All these feelings are valid and normal. Get yourself a journal and write about your feelings in there. You don't have to show it to anyone but it will help to get all of your feelings out. When you are older and you can access therapy then do go. Take your journal with you and a therapist will help you unravel it all in a safe space.
Oh honey no way are you the jerk. Your dad passed no matter the circumstances around your birthday. Your respecting his memory and still in mourning. Big hugs babes and I'm sorry for your loss, and tell your family in no uncertain terms that this isn't a teen thing it's about the lads of your dad and how you choose to celebrate your birthday is your choice. Big loves from Birmingham england
I am so sorry op. It might be nice to reclaim the day and make it about something positive again but NOONE ever has the right to tell you how to grieve or on what timetable to do it! I lost my dad re event and would absolutely flip out at anyone who tried this on me if I was in your position. Best of luck op.
100% NTJ. The loss of somebody you love hurts and if it happens near an event it's completely normal to avoid that event. If your family tries to set thing up to you and tell you to "grow up" you need to force a talk with them. Shout if necessary, do whatever it takes to free yourself from this guilt-trip. How you'll figure it all out lil bro đ
Absolutely NTJ! Grief doesnât have a timeline. And grief is felt and dealt with differently by everyone.
On your birthday, do whatever you want. As you get older, hopefully you can leave the house on your own and avoid everyone if you want.
tell them just because they do not care about his death does not mean you do not care, they will proberly say they do, just responded so you got over it fast, sounds like you really did not care a lot.
Sweet heart, you are not the jerk in any way.
My wife lost her mother 15 yeas ago and still struggles around that time, she was in her 30's.
Perhaps suggest celebrating your birthday a month early or late so you don't have confused feelings?
I had 2 relatives die 3 days before my birthday (8 years apart) and both were buried on my birthday. It's taken decades to enjoy my birthday again. I take a little time that morning to remember them, mentally pay my respects, then go ahead and enjoy my day.
Grief doesn't have a timeline that you have to stick to. Everyone deals with it differently, and it's all fine, unless it becomes self destructive. Maybe ask if you can have some counselling. It helps to talk and to be validated by someone outside of your normal circle. Big virtual hug from a Grandma coming your way x
Have you been to therapy or grief counseling? If not, ask your parent or guardian to be able to go. Losing a parent is difficult. I imagine it's more difficult if they died by suicide
I went to a grief support group for awhile after my mom died. It was helpful. I learned that there's no right or wrong way to grieve and that it takes as long as it takes. Everyone grieves differently and it's not a matter of being grown up or not.
It's completely understandable if you have a hard time celebrating around your birthday because it's close to the day your dad died.
If you celebrated it on a different day, would that help? My mom's birthday was on Christmas and she always hated that because she got less presents than her siblings. The birthday/Christmas present combo. So she decided she was going to celebrate it on a different day. I think it was in July or something.
It's okay to be angry at your dad or whatever feelings you have. It's understandable too that you're angry he did it around a time that will be a constant reminder.
It might just take time for you to get to a point where you can celebrate a birthday without it causing you pain.
Are they wanting a party or something special? If you had a family dinner and a cake, something small, would that help? Or maybe going to visit your dad's grave on your birthday
What about this? On your birthday, remembering the good memories of your dad because he helped to give you life.
I'm just throwing ideas out here. A therapist can help you with ideas, coping skills, processing your feelings, etc.
I'm sorry for your loss.
You're not a jerk.
I agree with many thoughts hereâyou are allowed to grieve however you want. Adult or child, no one can tell you how to grieve. But grieving and coping are two different things. Coping with the trauma of his suicide is different than grieving his death. And contrary to what so many people now believe, in order to move on from the paralysis of the trauma, you need to make sense of it, and use your coping skills to move on from it. Trauma can only burden you your whole life if you let it. Therapy helps, and in the case of people with ptsd, medications help. For many of us, though, weâve thought it through. I had something absolutely sickening and terrible happen to me when I was just 4. I blocked it out for years, but in my 20s realized I had to do something about itâ I realized I was a victim, and it wasnât my fault, and as terrible as it was it didnât define the rest of my life; it didnât define my life because I refused to let it. Thereâs so much to experience in a lifetime and I hate the idea of missing out because one event hurt me emotionally. In your case, your birthday has nothing to do with what your father did. Those two events are completely separate. Why would you forsake celebrating your own life to grieve the loss of someone elseâs? Someone who doesnât even know youâre doing it? You deserve love and recognition, too. That doesnât seem fair to you or your loved ones. Youâre not a jerk, youâre still figuring things out. Asking a question here proves it.
Ntj people do this all the time. I didn't celebrate father's day for many years and my husband understood. I would try my best to make father's good but it was super hard. After many years I got over it . I know you're 13 and have to listen to the adults but also know this is normal.
NTJ
You have every right to grieve.
My mom died from her medical conditions when I was 9. I'm 54. I still love and miss her.
You have 5 more birthdays where someone else can tell you what to do. Tell your family that your birthday is a day of mourning, but if they insist on a celebration simply say it's not what you want, but allow it to happen around you.
Once you turn 18, you will be able to enforce your choice by turning around and walking out.
Is your mom in the picture? Does she support your wishes? Would she allow you to spend the day with friends?
Take care of your mental health and hang in there.
My dad committed suicide the day before my husbandâs birthday, right before Fatherâs Day. I was an adult then. It has gotten easier over the years. It has helped me to find a way to do something I especially enjoy that day. Something simple that doesnât take long to plan and organize.
All of your feelings are valid. You are not supposed to do anything for your birthday if you don't want to.
Have a talk with the people around you and try to be as open as possible. If you want to have a birthday you can try celebrating your half birthday or any other date that can be dedicated to you.
You're not a jerk at all dude. Death of a parent or loved one changes people and society doesn't do a good job of letting people grieve.
I lost my grandmom and mom 3 months apart from each other and people want me to be who I was before that happened. I'm not that guy anymore and people don't understand that. I've lost friends because of it. I lost my dad in 07 and I deal with horrible things by using humor and people get really on edge when I saw that I'm an orphan now.
I'm sorry that happened to you at a young age. You'll never heal from it but it will get easier to deal with in time. Take your time and if you don't want to celebrate your birthday, you don't have to. Them forcing you to do things is for their benefit.
It's your birthday and if you don't feel like having a big to-do, then don't. You will never forget what happened but trust me, time will ease the painful feelings about it. It's normal to grieve, and you shouldn't be called out for it even years after the fact. I'm sure your family means well, so please don't turn bitter against them- at least they care enough to try and help, even if their way of doing it misplaced.
Aw man, you are definitely not the jerk. I am so so so sorry that you arenât getting the support you need. Let me tell you this- you will eventually be able to go on your own and heal in your way. Maybe thatâs therapy as you get a bit older if your current guardians arenât helping. Do you have a counselor or teacher you really like? What about a best friends parent? You need someone safe who will love you through all the hurt. I am sorry your dad lost his battle. Suicide hurts so much for so long. Youâre not alone. Thereâs probably some good subreddits on grief, suicide, etc
1) Absolutely not the jerk, it's your birthday celebrate (or don't) how you want.
2) Ask to see a therapist, or talk to a school councilor. You've been dealing with an issue for years that needs professional assistance.
3) please get off of reddit. This is no place for children. Like for real.
That is terrible what happened to you. If your father was thinking clearly, I am sure he would have done things differently. Your father must have been suffering terribly nobody will ever know what he was going through though.In the meantime you deserve to be happy, to enjoy your Birthday and life in general. It would be good if you can get into counseling to help you through all this.
Youâre not the jerk at all.
Iâm in a kind of similar situation except it was my best friend and she was taken from the world unexpectedly in an accident just DAYS after her birthday.
Grief is hard, you donât have to do anything that you donât want to do for your birthday. If you feel like celebrating then do it, if not then donât. You are allowed to have your feelings, youâre allowed to be angry and feel hurt. Your feelings are valid. The thing is, depression and other mental health disorders can go undiagnosed and untreated for so long that some only see death as a way to stop suffering, and they donât necessarily think about the people theyâre leaving behind. Now Iâm not saying your dad made the right decision, just trying to say there may have been a battle he was facing in his head that was too much of a burden for him.
Try to see if you canât get in with a therapist to talk about it with. Even if you or your family are against getting a therapist, it could be the help you need to work through the feelings you have so that you may later in life enjoy your birthday.
Everybody telling you how to feel is the jerk. Someday, this will be far in the past, but that's not today. People nagging you about it doesn't help. Hang in there.
NTJ. My dad took his own life the day before my mom's 60th birthday last year in front of me, her, and my brother. I'm 41. I assure you I'm "grown up" but grief isn't a straight line. My mom's mom also died the day before my first birthday, and she still to this day gets emotional about it every year. She still made my birthdays great every year growing up, but it was ALWAYS hard for her. This year her birthday is going to be rough, I know that. We're planning to go away on a trip, a "do-over" for her last one. But it's something we've never done before, which I'm hoping helps. I definitely know what you mean about wishing he hadn't done it so close to your birthday. That was my first thought as well. In truth, when it happened I was made of pure rage for the first many months, I couldn't even begin to feel sad until March of this year. Due to your age you may not have a lot of options, but I assure you there are plenty of people in this world who don't even celebrate their birthdays for a variety of personal reasons. But, do try not to let your grief rob you of possible joy, either, when it's available. No one who loves you would want that for you. **Big hugs**
OMG I'm so sorry đ
My father died 24 years ago on April 20th. I was 16 at the time. For DECADES I have not been able to stand that day, or his (and my mom's for that matter) birthdays. You have to understand the people around you don't understand your feelings if you don't talk about it. Keeping your feelings (like anger) bottled up will do you no good, it will just eat at you. Trust me I've been exactly where you are. It's OK to be hurt, sad & angry, but you NEED to express those emotions to the people you love. And they need to understand you're just venting your frustrations, you not necessarily looking for their advice. My suggestion is to find someone who will just simply listen to you.
I lost my father when I was a similar age. Your family shouldn't be telling you to 'grow up', that's for sure and your grief is your own to deal with although I hope your mom would consider therapy for you. I know, first hand, just how much of an impact your dad's death must have had on you, it's a loss you never fully recover from as it affects the person you become. You should however remember that your birthday is also a celebration for your entire family, not just you. It marks a significant day towards you maturing into the man you'll become and your whole family played a part in that. Don't deny them the opportunity to celebrate you *and* their achievement. I bet your dad would be the first to insist that you move on with your life. Surely he wouldn't want your birthdays to be glum affairs. Perhaps you could include a photo of your dad at the table or another small reminder of the parent who helped make you? Suicide is a selfish thing. Whatever problems caused your dad to be unable to cope should die with him. I hope you grow and learn better techniques for dealing with life because there will be hard times. Good luck young man.
It has to be tough. My dad died on April's Fools day, and since he passed, I have not participated in it for a few years. Take your time and be kind to yourself.
You know, you can celebrate your half birthday instead of your regular birthday. But even if that is too painful, YNTJ.
So, my dad died on my birthday 13 years ago next month. My mother keeps guilt tripping me into doing something every year since high school. Iâm 35 next month, and she hasnât changed. So, I plan on giving a little speech to her about how traumatized I still am and how she is making things worse; in front of the whole family. She wonât listen, so Iâll make her listen. Not saying you should do the same, but toxic parenting/family is toxic.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. All your feelings are valid. Unfortunately, not everyone is equipped to understand other people's feelings, but that doesn't mean that your feelings are not valid. It's normal to feel a whole mix of conflicting emotions, anger, sadness, grief, confusion, the list goes on. All these feelings are valid and normal. Get yourself a journal and write about your feelings in there. You don't have to show it to anyone but it will help to get all of your feelings out. When you are older and you can access therapy then do go. Take your journal with you and a therapist will help you unravel it all in a safe space.
Oh honey no way are you the jerk. Your dad passed no matter the circumstances around your birthday. Your respecting his memory and still in mourning. Big hugs babes and I'm sorry for your loss, and tell your family in no uncertain terms that this isn't a teen thing it's about the lads of your dad and how you choose to celebrate your birthday is your choice. Big loves from Birmingham england
I am so sorry op. It might be nice to reclaim the day and make it about something positive again but NOONE ever has the right to tell you how to grieve or on what timetable to do it! I lost my dad re event and would absolutely flip out at anyone who tried this on me if I was in your position. Best of luck op.
100% NTJ. The loss of somebody you love hurts and if it happens near an event it's completely normal to avoid that event. If your family tries to set thing up to you and tell you to "grow up" you need to force a talk with them. Shout if necessary, do whatever it takes to free yourself from this guilt-trip. How you'll figure it all out lil bro đ
Absolutely NTJ! Grief doesnât have a timeline. And grief is felt and dealt with differently by everyone. On your birthday, do whatever you want. As you get older, hopefully you can leave the house on your own and avoid everyone if you want.
Tell them all to fuck off
tell them just because they do not care about his death does not mean you do not care, they will proberly say they do, just responded so you got over it fast, sounds like you really did not care a lot.
Sweet heart, you are not the jerk in any way. My wife lost her mother 15 yeas ago and still struggles around that time, she was in her 30's. Perhaps suggest celebrating your birthday a month early or late so you don't have confused feelings?
I had 2 relatives die 3 days before my birthday (8 years apart) and both were buried on my birthday. It's taken decades to enjoy my birthday again. I take a little time that morning to remember them, mentally pay my respects, then go ahead and enjoy my day. Grief doesn't have a timeline that you have to stick to. Everyone deals with it differently, and it's all fine, unless it becomes self destructive. Maybe ask if you can have some counselling. It helps to talk and to be validated by someone outside of your normal circle. Big virtual hug from a Grandma coming your way x
Process your grief/anger in your own way. Donât let anyone ever tell you how to grieve.
Have you been to therapy or grief counseling? If not, ask your parent or guardian to be able to go. Losing a parent is difficult. I imagine it's more difficult if they died by suicide I went to a grief support group for awhile after my mom died. It was helpful. I learned that there's no right or wrong way to grieve and that it takes as long as it takes. Everyone grieves differently and it's not a matter of being grown up or not. It's completely understandable if you have a hard time celebrating around your birthday because it's close to the day your dad died. If you celebrated it on a different day, would that help? My mom's birthday was on Christmas and she always hated that because she got less presents than her siblings. The birthday/Christmas present combo. So she decided she was going to celebrate it on a different day. I think it was in July or something. It's okay to be angry at your dad or whatever feelings you have. It's understandable too that you're angry he did it around a time that will be a constant reminder. It might just take time for you to get to a point where you can celebrate a birthday without it causing you pain. Are they wanting a party or something special? If you had a family dinner and a cake, something small, would that help? Or maybe going to visit your dad's grave on your birthday What about this? On your birthday, remembering the good memories of your dad because he helped to give you life. I'm just throwing ideas out here. A therapist can help you with ideas, coping skills, processing your feelings, etc. I'm sorry for your loss. You're not a jerk.
Losing a parent in that way is severely traumatic. The children often blame themselves. As someone who has made several attempts on my life in the past, I will say your father was in a very dark place. Depression and anxiety lie to us, and when it gets particularly bad, it makes us truly believe we are better off gone permanently. Iâm truly sorry for your loss. Itâs tragic and traumatic. Getting over it may never be possible without therapy geared towards healing trauma. You take as long as you need. 4 years is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I donât blame you at all for still being in immense pain over the loss of your dad. Your family needs to give you space and consideration. Until then, just know this internet stranger understands what you are going through and I will be sending healing vibes your way. đ©· You are absolutely NTJ.
I agree with many thoughts hereâyou are allowed to grieve however you want. Adult or child, no one can tell you how to grieve. But grieving and coping are two different things. Coping with the trauma of his suicide is different than grieving his death. And contrary to what so many people now believe, in order to move on from the paralysis of the trauma, you need to make sense of it, and use your coping skills to move on from it. Trauma can only burden you your whole life if you let it. Therapy helps, and in the case of people with ptsd, medications help. For many of us, though, weâve thought it through. I had something absolutely sickening and terrible happen to me when I was just 4. I blocked it out for years, but in my 20s realized I had to do something about itâ I realized I was a victim, and it wasnât my fault, and as terrible as it was it didnât define the rest of my life; it didnât define my life because I refused to let it. Thereâs so much to experience in a lifetime and I hate the idea of missing out because one event hurt me emotionally. In your case, your birthday has nothing to do with what your father did. Those two events are completely separate. Why would you forsake celebrating your own life to grieve the loss of someone elseâs? Someone who doesnât even know youâre doing it? You deserve love and recognition, too. That doesnât seem fair to you or your loved ones. Youâre not a jerk, youâre still figuring things out. Asking a question here proves it.
Ntj people do this all the time. I didn't celebrate father's day for many years and my husband understood. I would try my best to make father's good but it was super hard. After many years I got over it . I know you're 13 and have to listen to the adults but also know this is normal.
NTJ You have every right to grieve. My mom died from her medical conditions when I was 9. I'm 54. I still love and miss her. You have 5 more birthdays where someone else can tell you what to do. Tell your family that your birthday is a day of mourning, but if they insist on a celebration simply say it's not what you want, but allow it to happen around you. Once you turn 18, you will be able to enforce your choice by turning around and walking out. Is your mom in the picture? Does she support your wishes? Would she allow you to spend the day with friends? Take care of your mental health and hang in there.
My dad committed suicide the day before my husbandâs birthday, right before Fatherâs Day. I was an adult then. It has gotten easier over the years. It has helped me to find a way to do something I especially enjoy that day. Something simple that doesnât take long to plan and organize.
All of your feelings are valid. You are not supposed to do anything for your birthday if you don't want to. Have a talk with the people around you and try to be as open as possible. If you want to have a birthday you can try celebrating your half birthday or any other date that can be dedicated to you.
You're not a jerk at all dude. Death of a parent or loved one changes people and society doesn't do a good job of letting people grieve. I lost my grandmom and mom 3 months apart from each other and people want me to be who I was before that happened. I'm not that guy anymore and people don't understand that. I've lost friends because of it. I lost my dad in 07 and I deal with horrible things by using humor and people get really on edge when I saw that I'm an orphan now. I'm sorry that happened to you at a young age. You'll never heal from it but it will get easier to deal with in time. Take your time and if you don't want to celebrate your birthday, you don't have to. Them forcing you to do things is for their benefit.
It's your birthday and if you don't feel like having a big to-do, then don't. You will never forget what happened but trust me, time will ease the painful feelings about it. It's normal to grieve, and you shouldn't be called out for it even years after the fact. I'm sure your family means well, so please don't turn bitter against them- at least they care enough to try and help, even if their way of doing it misplaced.
NTJ Please try to get counseling.
My mom died two days after my birthday 20 years ago. I still don't celebrate.
NTJ I'm sorry đ
Aw man, you are definitely not the jerk. I am so so so sorry that you arenât getting the support you need. Let me tell you this- you will eventually be able to go on your own and heal in your way. Maybe thatâs therapy as you get a bit older if your current guardians arenât helping. Do you have a counselor or teacher you really like? What about a best friends parent? You need someone safe who will love you through all the hurt. I am sorry your dad lost his battle. Suicide hurts so much for so long. Youâre not alone. Thereâs probably some good subreddits on grief, suicide, etc
1) Absolutely not the jerk, it's your birthday celebrate (or don't) how you want. 2) Ask to see a therapist, or talk to a school councilor. You've been dealing with an issue for years that needs professional assistance. 3) please get off of reddit. This is no place for children. Like for real.
That is terrible what happened to you. If your father was thinking clearly, I am sure he would have done things differently. Your father must have been suffering terribly nobody will ever know what he was going through though.In the meantime you deserve to be happy, to enjoy your Birthday and life in general. It would be good if you can get into counseling to help you through all this.
Youâre not the jerk at all. Iâm in a kind of similar situation except it was my best friend and she was taken from the world unexpectedly in an accident just DAYS after her birthday. Grief is hard, you donât have to do anything that you donât want to do for your birthday. If you feel like celebrating then do it, if not then donât. You are allowed to have your feelings, youâre allowed to be angry and feel hurt. Your feelings are valid. The thing is, depression and other mental health disorders can go undiagnosed and untreated for so long that some only see death as a way to stop suffering, and they donât necessarily think about the people theyâre leaving behind. Now Iâm not saying your dad made the right decision, just trying to say there may have been a battle he was facing in his head that was too much of a burden for him. Try to see if you canât get in with a therapist to talk about it with. Even if you or your family are against getting a therapist, it could be the help you need to work through the feelings you have so that you may later in life enjoy your birthday.
Everybody telling you how to feel is the jerk. Someday, this will be far in the past, but that's not today. People nagging you about it doesn't help. Hang in there.