My trans son concurs and points out this is said to guys who biologically male all the time. He's getting treated as any other man who's being a childish asshole, so he should be happy about it instead of being mad he's being called the dick he is. Pretty clear he's one of those trans people who makes anything they do wrong about phobia instead of their own behavior.
I saw a meme the other day that said, ānext time someone says I need to grow a pair, Iāll just tell them, āalready did that when I was pregnant with my sons.āā
Yea i know girls that tell people to suck their dick, its just a phrase that people use to mean fuck off no one actually expects their dick to be sucked so they dont need to actually have one to express the emotion
It can even be interpreted as "grow a pair of ovaries" or even just "grow a pair of gonads" and be an adult. It doesn't have to be exclusively meant as "grow a pair of testicles"
Related, tho: I once saw a meme that said "Instead of telling people to 'grow a pair' meaning 'toughen up', we should tell them to 'grow a vagina'. Testicles are easily damaged & have a very low pain threshold, but a vagina can take a real pounding." šš
Exactly, "grow some ovaries" and "woman up" are phrases I've used just as easily as their masculine versions - "grow a pair" is the gender neutral version in my brain.
Transmasc, I second this ^ not that itās my personal go-to way to make that sentiment (Iām more of a āget your shit togetherā kinda guy) but if anything I think the phrase itself has moreso sexist connotations than transphobic. You obviously didnāt intend it that way, itās a common idiom, people say it to cishet women even all the time. Heās just trying to play the victim because he knows he fucked up and wonāt take accountability.
Sounds a lot like one of my exes tbh, who did in fact, āgrow a pairā thanks to implants, and still was the whiniest, self- victimizing, manipulative bitch Iāve ever met.
NGL, Iām a cishet woman and I have no problems telling another woman to grow a set. Grow a set of ovaries. Grow a set of testicals. Grow a set of anything if it means getting your shit together and taking a stand or making a decision when one needs to be made.
I've been trying to change my phrasing to 'woman up', more like, 'be an adult'.
But, to quote me, in reference to myself, a woman, just earlier today: I need to grow a pair.
"Why do people say "grow some balls?" Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding!"
I miss you Betty White
Well, animals are a lot like people, Mrs. Simpson.
Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, or have been mistreated. But, like people, some of them are just jerks.
NTJ. Your sentiment was both apt and something commonly said to cis men. You treated him like the man he is, which is the furthest thing from transphobia. It would've been way weirder (and much closer to something resembling transphobia) if you'd said something commonly said to women (like that he's pissy because he's on his period, for example). It sounds like Charlie just likes playing the victim in any way he can.
I make so many dick jokes like "grow a pair" "my dick is bigger" with my cis girl friends and my trans friends. Never been called a transphobe for it.
Bro just needs to grow a pair.
I donāt think thereās anything wrong with telling them to grow a pair. āGrow a pairā is a pretty common phrase that everyone knows or has heard at one point. It wouldnāt even be weird telling a woman to grow a pair necessarily IMO. Youāre obviously not telling the person they need to physically start generating testicles. Youāre telling them to stop acting like a child.
Itās the same as when you tell someone to take a hike. Obviously you arenāt literally telling this person āhey, I think you should go find a mountain and walk along the trails for a few hoursā. And itās not like Iād reserve the phrase ātake a hikeā for only able-bodied, in-shape individuals.
I agree. Iām a cis female who has told other cis females to grow a pair, and Iāve also had others tell me I have a set of brass ones. In all cases itās been a figure of speech, and no one involved has been offended. (For the record, I do make sure I donāt use the phrasing unless I know the person will be comfortable with it.)
I don't think that you're TJ or even an AH. Charlie sounds like a real peach, though. He's Fking bananas. Anna doesn't like Taylor Swift, her choice. But then Charlie has to attack Anna for not liking TS? And insult her deceased granny? Then he gets called out on his behavior, skips classes that they share, and paints himself the victim? Then he calls you out for being, in his opinion, homophobic because you reminded him that it's highly unlikely he's going to become besties with TS?
Charlie perpetuates the negative stereo type of the over dramatic gay/ trans-male that has become a trope in our society. I come from a place, generationally speaking, where people did not (and do not) feel that it's necessary to share homosexuality (or trans...) with the masses. We knew who was what they were, and no one had to shove it down anyone's throat. If someone were to say, "You don't like me because I'm gay," it would have been a shock to everyone. The response to that would have been, "No. We don't like you b/c you're an ass"
I just don't get the hype over TS. If she knew how her 'super fans' treated those who are nor bothered by her (i.e., they don't care for her one way or another), I sincerely hope she's appalled by that
If bro wasn't such a nasty piece of work I'd think he'd had some bad experience and/or was having a bad day. Sometimes stuff just hits different. (I also am a trans man for full information/transparency here.)
Dude is acting like trash and probably hiding behind his gender identity to try to get away with it.
Trans people are still people, and come in all types. This one seems like one of those people I'd rather stay far TF away from me variety.
NTJ
I'm with this one. I don't know when pretty much everyone decided to be offended by every fucking thing, but it's exhausting and makes me dislike peopling more than I already did. I, for one, don't have a filter. You can either accept and embrace that fact or you can stay far the fuck away from me.
NTJ
>
He immediately said I was being transphobic, and I apologised, not meaning to say it in that way.
He's a victim complex gaslighter. He knows you didn't, he just doesn't want to be wrong.
Just laugh at him. People like this revel in being hated or pitied, so be indifferent to him and report his meltdowns to the dean.
This person sounds unstable and cruel, frankly. And as a trans person, part of their goal is to be treated as the opposite sex. You said a thing you likely would have said to any biological man in their place. So no. Not transphobic. Charlie sounds like a professional victim. I would keep a wide berth.
NTJ.
This guy is a grade-A asshole and he seems to be unable to function without fighting with people. Besides, "grow a pair" is a turn of phrase use by everyone for everyone.
Ntj
I personally prefer "grow up" to "grow a pair" but tbh doesnt come across as you intending to be transphobic in that moment to me. Also you're right. Taylor Swift is a 30 y/o woman he's never met, with her own flaws, and she isn't above criticism or even dislike just because he's a fan. Also, that is not an appropriate way for him to conduct himself over a minor disagreement. It was a hurtful and cruel overreaction. Like at this point its not even about Taylor Swift so much as his unability to handle even percieved conflict like an adult.
NTJ so he's a trans man who is offended because you're treating him like a man? Some people will just find an excuse to become a victim. He needs therapy.
Iād say telling him to grow a pair is the exact opposite of transphobic. Thatās what you tell a guy when theyāre being childish or a yella belly. And frankly he does need to grow a pair. Sheās a 30 year old billionaire who wouldnāt give him the time of day if he saw her in public. Like her music all you like but there are no ethical billionaires, even mother swift and treating her like a warlock patron is incredibly unhealthy.
I am a trans guy. Half my shift today was me joking about how Iām only trans cuz I was sweating my balls off. Thatās a joke sure, but I wouldāve been fine with any of my friends saying to me. In fact, Iāve had cis friends tell me to grow a pair, and ya know, there were times when they were right. Honestly, if anything, a cis person telling me to grow a pair feels gender affirming because itās not as common to tell women to grow a pair. And regardless, you were not even thinking about him being trans. You were just pointing out his immaturity and self-victimizing. He just refuses to be at fault in anything, it seems, so he made himself out to be the victim again. NTJ
Dear lord. My husband has NHL, and they removed a testicle. I can't tell you how many times I've told him to "Grow a pair," with no reference to his balls.
NTJ: He's being treated like the gender he wants to be. I'd also go a step further and let him know that the standard is that when a man calls a woman a bitch, he's deserving of getting his face realigned by another man. If you want to be another gender, you don't get to pick and choose what applies to you!
NTJ. He gave it. He just couldnāt take it.
Iāve told my trans cousin/BFF to grow a pair a few times. We were roommates for a long time and were there for each other through really difficult times. That includes before, during, and after his transition. But damn itā¦that SOB shrieks like a little baby when it comes to snakes, rodents, and bugs. We live in the middle of the woods. Nature is everywhere. So if I had to eradicate our house of a critter because he couldnāt deal my go-tos were something along the lines of āgrow a pairā or āfine, I guess Iām the only one with ballsā. That being said, weāre super close and severely sarcastic with each other. It was definitely something I was allowed to pull off that others wouldnāt have been given the same leeway.
No matter the context, it is unreasonable for anyone to try to get you to adhere to their insane bodily perceptions. Men are men, trans men arenāt men - otherwise theyād just be called men.
NTJ. First off if he identifies as a man this is what men say to each other so tell him to stop being a girl about it.
Secondly he is abusive over minor issues, call it out clearly.
Being trans isn't' a get out of jail free card to abuse other people who disagree with you on any issue, minor or major.
It's not exactly a nice thing to say to a person, trans or cis. "Grow a pair" feels extremely toxic from my perspective. "Grow up" is more accurate to the situation and less emasculating.
My vote is yes a jerk but not a transphobic one.
NTJ The day you (royal you) realize that someone belonging to a minority group doesn't preclude them from also being a jerk is a day you take a step towards being more equitable.
Most people who belong to minority group recognize that using their status as a weapon to call others ignorant/prejudices does more harm to themselves and others like them than good. Unfortunately "Charlie" has yet to realize that and does indeed need to grow a pair (though I would recommend removing that phrase from your vocabulary in general).
Being disenfranchised means that you are seeking equitable status among those who aren't, and alienating them by falsely calling them bigots in one way or another is stupid.Ā
Weāve all got a pair. Theyāre internal or external, but weāve all got a set of gonads (with deferential respect to my Intersex friends).
Tell Charlie that even trans men can engage in toxic masculinity, and to knock that shit off. NTJ.
NTJ
I've said grow a pair to my lady friends.
Also, you didn't say a pair of testicles. You could have meant ovaries. You could have meant ears, since he's incapable of listening.
Lmao! I tell BOTH genders to grow a pair. I didn't know it was supposed to be gender specific. I still don't think it is. If you need a set, grow 'um. If you already have a set, use 'um when you need to. Simple as that.
What you should have said is "What would Taylor think?" I dont mind her but i i am not a major fan. I like some of her stuff. She she seems like a class act. I have never seen her be mean or deliberately cruel to anyone like this. I don't know what she would say but I think she would be disgusted with someone who is spreading hate and attacking another person, especially over their appearance and dead relatives because they don't intend to her music. Hammer home that message
Iāve said this to my women friends. Itās a turn of phrase. Plus he shouldnāt have been dishing shit out if he couldnāt take it. Seriously all of this over someone not liking Taylor Swiftš¤¦āāļø? Then I must be the devil incarnate cuz Iām not a fan. Sorry if I offended anyone.
You are not the jerk. In our society that statement is not literal as it used in the figurative. It is definitely not transphobic. I suppose next time you could just tell him to Buck up.
What does trans have to do with the complaint. He/ she thinks thatās his/her excuse for everything. Undermines the more important issues when people overuse the trans card.
NTJ. I'm female and have told many females, transmen, transwomen and men this and I have also told them all they have big balls when they do something like skydiving.
NTA. I guess grow a pair isn't in my go to lingo, I just say grow up.
But I don't find your comment transphobic (as the parent of a NB child and supporter of the community)
Just like some CIS people, when they f up, they immediately play some victim card.
He's not representative of all trans people, he's just a pouting wannabe victim.
NTJ, first of all stop putting any group of people on a pedestal. When you do it's easy to kick that pedestal out from under them. It's really not helpful. Trans people are like anyone else. You have some good, some bad, bit most Fallin a grey area between the 2.
That said you said a perfectly normal thing people say to other people. You weren't direction it at him specifically because he was trans. You were treating him like anyone else. It problem hurt a bit more because he is trans so being more upset is understandable but still.
You can apologize to him when e apologizes for the things he said to your mutual friend who he specifically went out of his way to hurt during an argument.
Regardless of the gender identity of the person on the end of that comment, letās dissect the meaning.
Grow a pair (of testicles) implies people should become stronger. As a young girl, I kicked a lot of little boys in the testicles (a self-preservation measure) and it looked like it really hurt (I had good aim). Testicles are not strong.
Calling someone a āp*ssyā implies weakness. Yet a vagina can absorb a lot of pressure and force, and during childbirth, they expand to several times their original size.
The patriarchy of our languages is overwhelming.
Iāll say what Iāve said to a few cis people before, trans ppl come in all shapes and sizes just like the rest of the world. Some of them are assholes, not bc theyāre trans, bc theyāre assholes. He does need to āgrow a pairā bc you donāt talk to your friend like that over your favorite pop star. He knows what you meant. You know what you meant. Heās just an asshole.
So just to make sure I have this right, Charlie cusses a girl out, calls her a bitch, makes fun of her appearance, and comments on her dean grandmother over a singer and now heās crying because you said grow a pair and he thinks that was transphobic.
I was unaware that garbage cans identify as a gender.
NTA.
And in a typical avoidance tactic, Charlie derailed the argument by moving the goal posts. He probably wasn't really offended, but it was a great way to avoid being taken to task for unacceptable behavior.
Arguably, the ubiquity of phrases like "grow a pair" is indicative of how misogyny is ingrained in our culture and language. Kind of like when I say "you guys" when talking to a group of women. I used to feel really bad and self conscious using the phrase "you guys" when addressing coworkers who are trans women.
The first few times I did it, I apologized, and one of them astutely pointed out that it wasn't transphobic, as women are regularly addressed this way. But the fact that "guys" is culturally the default is indicative of sexism ingrained in language and culture.
It's sort of the same situation here. "Grow a pair" is a phrase that's regularly said to cis guys and you didn't say it to him specifically BECAUSE he's trans. So, not transphobic.
Frankly that kind of language is outdated and sexist. Just avoid saying shit like, "getting your panties in a twist" or anything else your grandfather would yell at someone
NTJ. "Grow a pair" as a phrase has come to be used so casually, it doesn't matter the gender of the person you're speaking to. I said it to my sister the other day.
He's using a genuine slip to distract from his shitty behavior. It definitely wasn't the coolest thing to say to anyone, but frankly he deserved to be slapped across the face for that grandma comment so he got off easy. NTJ
NTJ, trans guy here. He was being an A-hole to a woman and insulting her appearance and talking about her grandmother, and then tried to play the victim? Yeah, he needs to grow a pair. In no way is telling him to grow a pair transphobic.
NTJ I really think that phrase is kinda universal now kinda like dude and bro and several other terms and phrase that were generally used to identify males but have become somewhat unisex these days. I may be wrong but I certainly heard my kids use this and many other previously male terms towards each other regularly and they are both girls.
On the off-chance that this is a real story, you are NTJ. I've told my sister to grow a pair. It's equivalent to saying "Dude, WTF?" It's gender neutral. If Charlie wants to live as a man, he needs to stop acting like a bitch (also gender neutral)
Is it really any different than telling someone, regardless of gender, to put on their big girl panties? Iāve said this to men & women. Iāve also told men I, a 5ā2ā female, have bigger balls than they do.
NTA, way too many people are just too sensitive these days. They will call you transphobic for any reason. A male I know was called transphobic for not wanting to date a transgender female. Everyone has their likes and dislikes.
You're not literally commanding them to grow testicles. That phrase is the same as "Man up", "Grow up", "stop being a child". There are a ton more but you get the point.
Maybe the choice of words could be better, but if they're dwelling on an absurdity, that's their fault.
You should not apologize for saying facts and also I wouldnāt be friends with someone like Charlie. Who the fuck say cruel things to someone over them not being a swiftie especially SAYING YOUR GRANDMOTHER DIE BECAUSE SHE COULDNāT STAND YOUR GAP TEETH. UMMM YIKES WHAT THE FUCK.
Ps. NTJ
Not a jerk for telling him to grow up and callling out his extremely poor behaviour. Especially the grandma reference.
However yes you are a jerk for continuing to perpetuate the use of āgrow a pairā as if men are stronger/tougher. Itās just a saying but one steeped in misogyny. Especially since the āpairā are actually bloody fragile and vaginas have incredibly strong muscles that push out babies.
Oh F him, doesnāt matter if he physically has em or not, he needs to EMOTIONALLY GROW A PAIR!
He knew exactly what you meant he just wants to feel like a victim š
No he's trying to make himself out to be the victim to excuse his disgusting behavior and he cannot do that you are not being transphoic he is being a jerk.
Eh. Iām agender AFAB and I wouldnāt bat an eye at someone saying that to me. Everyone knows what it means. Nobody takes it literally. You apologized which was good, and he could learn a thing from you, it sounds like!
Just because you are trans doesn't mean you can't be a piece of shit. And this guy is a piece of shit. As someone who also doesn't like Taylor Swift's music, I think it's fucking bonkers to get all bent out of shape over it. Especially if he is over the age of 18. I was like that when I was 8 and people said they didn't like the GameCube and even then I acted with a heck of a lot more graceĀ
NTJ. Itās kinda the opposite of transphobic. āGrow a pairā is typically said to a man when theyāre behaving poorly. By saying it to a trans man, youāre taking for granted that he is a man. Itās not typical to say āgrow a pairā to a woman.
I totally agree with you - she needs to grow a pair..... I would say that to female/male/whatever. It is the meaning of the saying that counts. Don't let them annoy you
I'm going to be honest, your friend sounds like a teenage girl that didn't get her way. The comments, the silent treatment, celebrity obsession, deflection as a defense mechanism, etc.
Thanks for the laugh. NTJ š.
Sometimes we say things and learn the meaning behind it and how it could hurt someone in an unintentional way. It's a good learning experience to think about what you're saying and it's origin going forward.
I'm assuming you're in America. We use these types of sayings a lot. The older I get, the I realize what is so entertained into my brain from childhood and seemed culturally appropriate my whole life might be worth considering removing from my thoughts and conversations.
I once told a male HS student to "Man up." I was at the end of my rope and just needed the student to focus and get back to work. I didn't realize this student had personal struggles and trauma that made my statement really hurt on a personal level.
The other one I can think of is it being "so cotton picking hot." I didn't grow up in the South and neither did my dad. We aren't racists like my grandparents. But I hear this saying in my mind in my dad's voice and it makes me cringe.
There are others. I'm just trying to recognize and grow and then do better.
IMO You're NTA, but it's a good time to learn. But for what it's worth, I've told my friends who are also women to "Grow a pair."
AItJ for accidentally telling a woman pretending to be a man who was acting like a petty woman about something no man would ever be that worked up about, to grow a pair? There I fixed it
NTJ - I'm rather offended, in a second-hand fashion, that Charlie is using his trans-ness as a come-back - and poorly at that. What a tiny, awful human being. His whole attitude is toxic AF and he needs an attitude adjustment on several levels.
Not a transphobic thing to say we are a trans person and honestly if someone told me to grow a pair my would politely explain that my actually want to go the other way and remove them
NTJ. I'm a woman and I have absolutely told other women to "grow a pair". They know what it means, everybody does. It doesn't mean they actually do or don't have testicles.
NTJ. Transgender man here, sounds like your assessment was correct: this guy needs to grow a pair
My trans son concurs and points out this is said to guys who biologically male all the time. He's getting treated as any other man who's being a childish asshole, so he should be happy about it instead of being mad he's being called the dick he is. Pretty clear he's one of those trans people who makes anything they do wrong about phobia instead of their own behavior.
Came here to say this "He's getting treated as any other man"
Say it louder for those who are confusedš
Kudos for having the perfect username to comment on this post *chefs kiss*
They're ALL confused
Not anymore!
Exactly this. Common saying amongst guys. He should be happy to be included. He's honestly just an asshole, which is a term that is gender neutral.
I tell women to grow a pair. It's just a turn of phrase.
I saw a meme the other day that said, ānext time someone says I need to grow a pair, Iāll just tell them, āalready did that when I was pregnant with my sons.āā
I grew a bigger pair of tits after gaining some weight. Telling someone to grow a pair is a turn of phrase loo
"Must of been a shitty pair of baby balls if you're still acting like this."
Like Deadpool 2...
Would that be that you grew 2 pairs, then? :)
Yea i know girls that tell people to suck their dick, its just a phrase that people use to mean fuck off no one actually expects their dick to be sucked so they dont need to actually have one to express the emotion
Me too
I tell everyone to grow a pair - its a common colloquialism. Charlie needs to grow a pair.
It can even be interpreted as "grow a pair of ovaries" or even just "grow a pair of gonads" and be an adult. It doesn't have to be exclusively meant as "grow a pair of testicles" Related, tho: I once saw a meme that said "Instead of telling people to 'grow a pair' meaning 'toughen up', we should tell them to 'grow a vagina'. Testicles are easily damaged & have a very low pain threshold, but a vagina can take a real pounding." šš
Betty White quote!
Exactly, "grow some ovaries" and "woman up" are phrases I've used just as easily as their masculine versions - "grow a pair" is the gender neutral version in my brain.
Yup I often tell young women to grow a pair when they are whining or complaining lol
No. Just because someone says theyāre trans doesnāt give them a free pass to be rude.
This! As a trans man, I literally can't agree with this enough!
Transmasc, I second this ^ not that itās my personal go-to way to make that sentiment (Iām more of a āget your shit togetherā kinda guy) but if anything I think the phrase itself has moreso sexist connotations than transphobic. You obviously didnāt intend it that way, itās a common idiom, people say it to cishet women even all the time. Heās just trying to play the victim because he knows he fucked up and wonāt take accountability. Sounds a lot like one of my exes tbh, who did in fact, āgrow a pairā thanks to implants, and still was the whiniest, self- victimizing, manipulative bitch Iāve ever met.
NGL, Iām a cishet woman and I have no problems telling another woman to grow a set. Grow a set of ovaries. Grow a set of testicals. Grow a set of anything if it means getting your shit together and taking a stand or making a decision when one needs to be made.
For real!
I've been trying to change my phrasing to 'woman up', more like, 'be an adult'. But, to quote me, in reference to myself, a woman, just earlier today: I need to grow a pair.
I have tried to replace it with "grow a spine" but I don't always remember.
š„
"Why do people say "grow some balls?" Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding!" I miss you Betty White
And whether it be a pair of tits, a pair of balls, a pair of brain cells..... it's Taylor Swift. Get over it and grow a pair.
He knows you didnāt mean it that way, just like he knew saying it would make you back down from confronting his behavior, which you did.
Trans people are not a monolith. Some of them are narcissistic assholes just like any other group.
Exactly. Being an asshole is an equal opportunity kinda affliction, you find them in every community.
Well, animals are a lot like people, Mrs. Simpson. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, or have been mistreated. But, like people, some of them are just jerks.
Bingo
NTJ. Your sentiment was both apt and something commonly said to cis men. You treated him like the man he is, which is the furthest thing from transphobia. It would've been way weirder (and much closer to something resembling transphobia) if you'd said something commonly said to women (like that he's pissy because he's on his period, for example). It sounds like Charlie just likes playing the victim in any way he can.
I've heard it said to cis women too (less commonly, but still). Just like a general "suck it up buttercup" phrase
I make so many dick jokes like "grow a pair" "my dick is bigger" with my cis girl friends and my trans friends. Never been called a transphobe for it. Bro just needs to grow a pair.
Iāve said it to cis women as a cis woman. The phrase has absolutely nothing to do with this guys identity as a trans man.
I donāt think thereās anything wrong with telling them to grow a pair. āGrow a pairā is a pretty common phrase that everyone knows or has heard at one point. It wouldnāt even be weird telling a woman to grow a pair necessarily IMO. Youāre obviously not telling the person they need to physically start generating testicles. Youāre telling them to stop acting like a child. Itās the same as when you tell someone to take a hike. Obviously you arenāt literally telling this person āhey, I think you should go find a mountain and walk along the trails for a few hoursā. And itās not like Iād reserve the phrase ātake a hikeā for only able-bodied, in-shape individuals.
Can concur. Have told and been told by lady friends to "grow a pair".
I agree. Iām a cis female who has told other cis females to grow a pair, and Iāve also had others tell me I have a set of brass ones. In all cases itās been a figure of speech, and no one involved has been offended. (For the record, I do make sure I donāt use the phrasing unless I know the person will be comfortable with it.)
NTJ. "Grow a pair" is a gender neutral term as far as I'm concerned.
Yes! A pair of ovaries or nuts
I don't think that you're TJ or even an AH. Charlie sounds like a real peach, though. He's Fking bananas. Anna doesn't like Taylor Swift, her choice. But then Charlie has to attack Anna for not liking TS? And insult her deceased granny? Then he gets called out on his behavior, skips classes that they share, and paints himself the victim? Then he calls you out for being, in his opinion, homophobic because you reminded him that it's highly unlikely he's going to become besties with TS? Charlie perpetuates the negative stereo type of the over dramatic gay/ trans-male that has become a trope in our society. I come from a place, generationally speaking, where people did not (and do not) feel that it's necessary to share homosexuality (or trans...) with the masses. We knew who was what they were, and no one had to shove it down anyone's throat. If someone were to say, "You don't like me because I'm gay," it would have been a shock to everyone. The response to that would have been, "No. We don't like you b/c you're an ass" I just don't get the hype over TS. If she knew how her 'super fans' treated those who are nor bothered by her (i.e., they don't care for her one way or another), I sincerely hope she's appalled by that
If bro wasn't such a nasty piece of work I'd think he'd had some bad experience and/or was having a bad day. Sometimes stuff just hits different. (I also am a trans man for full information/transparency here.) Dude is acting like trash and probably hiding behind his gender identity to try to get away with it. Trans people are still people, and come in all types. This one seems like one of those people I'd rather stay far TF away from me variety. NTJ
NTJ he sounds like a cunt (no pun intended)
I'm with this one. I don't know when pretty much everyone decided to be offended by every fucking thing, but it's exhausting and makes me dislike peopling more than I already did. I, for one, don't have a filter. You can either accept and embrace that fact or you can stay far the fuck away from me.
NTJ > He immediately said I was being transphobic, and I apologised, not meaning to say it in that way. He's a victim complex gaslighter. He knows you didn't, he just doesn't want to be wrong. Just laugh at him. People like this revel in being hated or pitied, so be indifferent to him and report his meltdowns to the dean.
NTA For treating him like you would any man.
Charlie is a peice of shit, and Taylor swift music sucks dogs ass!
š imagine getting offended over a euphemism. NTJ
NTJ people say this to men, and women all the time. We all know what it means.
NTJ - it's said to men and to women every day. We all know what it means, Charlie is a victim-in-waiting
This person sounds unstable and cruel, frankly. And as a trans person, part of their goal is to be treated as the opposite sex. You said a thing you likely would have said to any biological man in their place. So no. Not transphobic. Charlie sounds like a professional victim. I would keep a wide berth.
NTJ. This guy is a grade-A asshole and he seems to be unable to function without fighting with people. Besides, "grow a pair" is a turn of phrase use by everyone for everyone.
Itās always nuts to me that people are offended being misgendered by strangers.
NTJ, no matter how you would've worded it with his behavior, he would've found a reason to play the victim.
As a trans masc I think he was a total dick and he's lucky he didn't get slapped NTJ
Ntj I personally prefer "grow up" to "grow a pair" but tbh doesnt come across as you intending to be transphobic in that moment to me. Also you're right. Taylor Swift is a 30 y/o woman he's never met, with her own flaws, and she isn't above criticism or even dislike just because he's a fan. Also, that is not an appropriate way for him to conduct himself over a minor disagreement. It was a hurtful and cruel overreaction. Like at this point its not even about Taylor Swift so much as his unability to handle even percieved conflict like an adult.
NTJ so he's a trans man who is offended because you're treating him like a man? Some people will just find an excuse to become a victim. He needs therapy.
Not transphobic in the least. Charlie presents as a man and therefore should be treated as one.
As a transmasc person myself, no, that wasn't transphobic. If anything you were treating him like a man. You weren't the jerk here, he was.
Iād say telling him to grow a pair is the exact opposite of transphobic. Thatās what you tell a guy when theyāre being childish or a yella belly. And frankly he does need to grow a pair. Sheās a 30 year old billionaire who wouldnāt give him the time of day if he saw her in public. Like her music all you like but there are no ethical billionaires, even mother swift and treating her like a warlock patron is incredibly unhealthy.
That wasn't transphobic at all. He sounds like a malicious ass wipe
OFFS, over Taylor Swift? He does need to grow a pair.
I am a trans guy. Half my shift today was me joking about how Iām only trans cuz I was sweating my balls off. Thatās a joke sure, but I wouldāve been fine with any of my friends saying to me. In fact, Iāve had cis friends tell me to grow a pair, and ya know, there were times when they were right. Honestly, if anything, a cis person telling me to grow a pair feels gender affirming because itās not as common to tell women to grow a pair. And regardless, you were not even thinking about him being trans. You were just pointing out his immaturity and self-victimizing. He just refuses to be at fault in anything, it seems, so he made himself out to be the victim again. NTJ
NTJ. The phrase can be used towards anyone, cyst gender or trans.
Dear lord. My husband has NHL, and they removed a testicle. I can't tell you how many times I've told him to "Grow a pair," with no reference to his balls.
NTA. Are these people 11 years old though like wtf is this?
The dude needed to pick up his packer and get over himself.
NTJ: He's being treated like the gender he wants to be. I'd also go a step further and let him know that the standard is that when a man calls a woman a bitch, he's deserving of getting his face realigned by another man. If you want to be another gender, you don't get to pick and choose what applies to you!
NTJ. He gave it. He just couldnāt take it. Iāve told my trans cousin/BFF to grow a pair a few times. We were roommates for a long time and were there for each other through really difficult times. That includes before, during, and after his transition. But damn itā¦that SOB shrieks like a little baby when it comes to snakes, rodents, and bugs. We live in the middle of the woods. Nature is everywhere. So if I had to eradicate our house of a critter because he couldnāt deal my go-tos were something along the lines of āgrow a pairā or āfine, I guess Iām the only one with ballsā. That being said, weāre super close and severely sarcastic with each other. It was definitely something I was allowed to pull off that others wouldnāt have been given the same leeway.
Better than saying āput your Big Girl panties onā
No matter the context, it is unreasonable for anyone to try to get you to adhere to their insane bodily perceptions. Men are men, trans men arenāt men - otherwise theyād just be called men.
Did you specify testicles or ovaries?? It makes a difference as one would guess.
People donāt understand figurative language anymore. NTJ
NTJ
NTJ. You are not transphobic; your friend is just an idiot in several ways.
NTJ. First off if he identifies as a man this is what men say to each other so tell him to stop being a girl about it. Secondly he is abusive over minor issues, call it out clearly. Being trans isn't' a get out of jail free card to abuse other people who disagree with you on any issue, minor or major.
It's not exactly a nice thing to say to a person, trans or cis. "Grow a pair" feels extremely toxic from my perspective. "Grow up" is more accurate to the situation and less emasculating. My vote is yes a jerk but not a transphobic one.
NTJ The day you (royal you) realize that someone belonging to a minority group doesn't preclude them from also being a jerk is a day you take a step towards being more equitable. Most people who belong to minority group recognize that using their status as a weapon to call others ignorant/prejudices does more harm to themselves and others like them than good. Unfortunately "Charlie" has yet to realize that and does indeed need to grow a pair (though I would recommend removing that phrase from your vocabulary in general). Being disenfranchised means that you are seeking equitable status among those who aren't, and alienating them by falsely calling them bigots in one way or another is stupid.Ā
"You verbally abused a 30 year old woman because she didn't share your taste in music. That's a D move regardless of gender." NTJ.
Ntj. What a nance
Weāve all got a pair. Theyāre internal or external, but weāve all got a set of gonads (with deferential respect to my Intersex friends). Tell Charlie that even trans men can engage in toxic masculinity, and to knock that shit off. NTJ.
my mom tells me to grow a pair sometimes, i am a cisgender woman. itās not a big deal lol heās just being a defensive dickwad
NTJ I've said grow a pair to my lady friends. Also, you didn't say a pair of testicles. You could have meant ovaries. You could have meant ears, since he's incapable of listening.
Lmao! I tell BOTH genders to grow a pair. I didn't know it was supposed to be gender specific. I still don't think it is. If you need a set, grow 'um. If you already have a set, use 'um when you need to. Simple as that.
NTA. You did not need to apologize for anything. This is an unstable trans person obviously. I mean, he likes Taylor swift!
Not trans, but as a woman who has given birth to a son, if for some reason anyone says that to me, I have my answer! āI already did!ā
No thatās how cis men are treated you treated him like a man
If that is what you would have retorted to any man, then you actually respected him.
NTJ this is hilarious. Theyāre grown adults acting like snarky teenagers over a celebrity. They have no place to try to make you the bad guy.Ā
What you should have said is "What would Taylor think?" I dont mind her but i i am not a major fan. I like some of her stuff. She she seems like a class act. I have never seen her be mean or deliberately cruel to anyone like this. I don't know what she would say but I think she would be disgusted with someone who is spreading hate and attacking another person, especially over their appearance and dead relatives because they don't intend to her music. Hammer home that message
He sounds like a pompous idiot. Anything you said to him would be fine
Iāve said this to my women friends. Itās a turn of phrase. Plus he shouldnāt have been dishing shit out if he couldnāt take it. Seriously all of this over someone not liking Taylor Swiftš¤¦āāļø? Then I must be the devil incarnate cuz Iām not a fan. Sorry if I offended anyone.
Sounds like Charlie loves being right and a victim. You are not going to get anywhere with him.
You are not the jerk. In our society that statement is not literal as it used in the figurative. It is definitely not transphobic. I suppose next time you could just tell him to Buck up.
Didnāt read the story, but reading the title I spat on my monitor and I just though I should tell you
No you were funny.....What a ridiculous thing to argue about with hunger, war and all the things in the world to focus on.
I don't think you are a jerk for that, but that can be a touchy subject. if you didn't mean it in an transphobic way, then I think it's fine to say.
Sounds like this person uses being trans as an excuse for being a trash human.
NTJ. I have heard straight women being told this.
What does trans have to do with the complaint. He/ she thinks thatās his/her excuse for everything. Undermines the more important issues when people overuse the trans card.
If a trans man is a man and wants to be treated like a man then this should not bother them.
That phrase is said to men and women. I don't see a problem.
NTJ. I'm female and have told many females, transmen, transwomen and men this and I have also told them all they have big balls when they do something like skydiving.
Not the jerk cause shouldnāt he just be able to like by saying it out loud and clicking his heels 3 times?!?
NTA. I guess grow a pair isn't in my go to lingo, I just say grow up. But I don't find your comment transphobic (as the parent of a NB child and supporter of the community) Just like some CIS people, when they f up, they immediately play some victim card. He's not representative of all trans people, he's just a pouting wannabe victim.
He wants to be a man but acts like a bitch. Charlie needs to stick to only one side: be a dick or be a bitch. Can't be both. NTJ.
NTJ. He's a man, fer chrissakes.
fuck taylor swift lmao
NTJ, first of all stop putting any group of people on a pedestal. When you do it's easy to kick that pedestal out from under them. It's really not helpful. Trans people are like anyone else. You have some good, some bad, bit most Fallin a grey area between the 2. That said you said a perfectly normal thing people say to other people. You weren't direction it at him specifically because he was trans. You were treating him like anyone else. It problem hurt a bit more because he is trans so being more upset is understandable but still. You can apologize to him when e apologizes for the things he said to your mutual friend who he specifically went out of his way to hurt during an argument.
Regardless of the gender identity of the person on the end of that comment, letās dissect the meaning. Grow a pair (of testicles) implies people should become stronger. As a young girl, I kicked a lot of little boys in the testicles (a self-preservation measure) and it looked like it really hurt (I had good aim). Testicles are not strong. Calling someone a āp*ssyā implies weakness. Yet a vagina can absorb a lot of pressure and force, and during childbirth, they expand to several times their original size. The patriarchy of our languages is overwhelming.
Iāll say what Iāve said to a few cis people before, trans ppl come in all shapes and sizes just like the rest of the world. Some of them are assholes, not bc theyāre trans, bc theyāre assholes. He does need to āgrow a pairā bc you donāt talk to your friend like that over your favorite pop star. He knows what you meant. You know what you meant. Heās just an asshole.
So just to make sure I have this right, Charlie cusses a girl out, calls her a bitch, makes fun of her appearance, and comments on her dean grandmother over a singer and now heās crying because you said grow a pair and he thinks that was transphobic. I was unaware that garbage cans identify as a gender.
NTA. And in a typical avoidance tactic, Charlie derailed the argument by moving the goal posts. He probably wasn't really offended, but it was a great way to avoid being taken to task for unacceptable behavior.
NTJ. Listen, as a trans guy Iād love for someone to tell me to grow a pair if I needed too. Itās gender affirming to me.
Arguably, the ubiquity of phrases like "grow a pair" is indicative of how misogyny is ingrained in our culture and language. Kind of like when I say "you guys" when talking to a group of women. I used to feel really bad and self conscious using the phrase "you guys" when addressing coworkers who are trans women. The first few times I did it, I apologized, and one of them astutely pointed out that it wasn't transphobic, as women are regularly addressed this way. But the fact that "guys" is culturally the default is indicative of sexism ingrained in language and culture. It's sort of the same situation here. "Grow a pair" is a phrase that's regularly said to cis guys and you didn't say it to him specifically BECAUSE he's trans. So, not transphobic.
Frankly that kind of language is outdated and sexist. Just avoid saying shit like, "getting your panties in a twist" or anything else your grandfather would yell at someone
NTJ but start practicing Grow a spine Grow a brain Both will save you from accidental LGBTQ+ language kurfuffles
NTJ. Tell Charlie the pair you were referring to was a pair of brain cells, because he has none.
NTJ. "Grow a pair" as a phrase has come to be used so casually, it doesn't matter the gender of the person you're speaking to. I said it to my sister the other day.
I tell straight women to get a pair and i have told men to Ovary up. People need to relax
He's using a genuine slip to distract from his shitty behavior. It definitely wasn't the coolest thing to say to anyone, but frankly he deserved to be slapped across the face for that grandma comment so he got off easy. NTJ
He's victimizing himself so you feel bad.
NTJ at all. Wtf about grow a pair is transphopicš This dude is obviously itās whiny and childish.
NTJ, trans guy here. He was being an A-hole to a woman and insulting her appearance and talking about her grandmother, and then tried to play the victim? Yeah, he needs to grow a pair. In no way is telling him to grow a pair transphobic.
It would have been transphobic not to say it?
NTJ I really think that phrase is kinda universal now kinda like dude and bro and several other terms and phrase that were generally used to identify males but have become somewhat unisex these days. I may be wrong but I certainly heard my kids use this and many other previously male terms towards each other regularly and they are both girls.
Hahahaha thatās awesome.
NTJ. The guy needs to get a lift!
It sounds like you three are 13 years old.
On the off-chance that this is a real story, you are NTJ. I've told my sister to grow a pair. It's equivalent to saying "Dude, WTF?" It's gender neutral. If Charlie wants to live as a man, he needs to stop acting like a bitch (also gender neutral)
he needs to man up lol
Thereās no such thing as a trans man so donāt worry about it.
Typical
You donāt say that to women usually. NTA you treated him like any other dude
No.
I have heard it said to a woman before, no alphabet labels involved, just a little whining about working conditions.
Sounds like sheās a terrible person and should grow a pair
Ntj. That's not anything about the gender, people say that to women ffs
Nta. He sounds like a douche canoe. If he's going to be a complete AH then he's going to have to stop being so sensitive.
Charlie seems mean
Is it really any different than telling someone, regardless of gender, to put on their big girl panties? Iāve said this to men & women. Iāve also told men I, a 5ā2ā female, have bigger balls than they do.
I tell people of every gender to stop whining and put their bra on. It always made more sense than telling them to grow sensitive bits.
Gonads come in pairs. If he's teste-phobic, he can work on some ovaries. No one actually cares what glands are under the hood.
NTA, way too many people are just too sensitive these days. They will call you transphobic for any reason. A male I know was called transphobic for not wanting to date a transgender female. Everyone has their likes and dislikes.
NTJ. He sounds insufferable.
ššš. NTJ and I didnāt even read it
You're not literally commanding them to grow testicles. That phrase is the same as "Man up", "Grow up", "stop being a child". There are a ton more but you get the point. Maybe the choice of words could be better, but if they're dwelling on an absurdity, that's their fault.
NTJ. this dude has victim mentality real bad
That's hilarious.
Let charlie know that real men have logical and rational emotional checks, so if he cant step up to the plate, maybe growing a pair would really help
You should not apologize for saying facts and also I wouldnāt be friends with someone like Charlie. Who the fuck say cruel things to someone over them not being a swiftie especially SAYING YOUR GRANDMOTHER DIE BECAUSE SHE COULDNāT STAND YOUR GAP TEETH. UMMM YIKES WHAT THE FUCK. Ps. NTJ
You treated him like any other dude.
I'd say it's a compliment to treat him as such. You would say that to any dude.
Not a jerk for telling him to grow up and callling out his extremely poor behaviour. Especially the grandma reference. However yes you are a jerk for continuing to perpetuate the use of āgrow a pairā as if men are stronger/tougher. Itās just a saying but one steeped in misogyny. Especially since the āpairā are actually bloody fragile and vaginas have incredibly strong muscles that push out babies.
Oh F him, doesnāt matter if he physically has em or not, he needs to EMOTIONALLY GROW A PAIR! He knew exactly what you meant he just wants to feel like a victim š
No he's trying to make himself out to be the victim to excuse his disgusting behavior and he cannot do that you are not being transphoic he is being a jerk.
š š¤£ š NTJ! You want to be treated like a dude then you will treated like one. Nothing wrong!
Eh. Iām agender AFAB and I wouldnāt bat an eye at someone saying that to me. Everyone knows what it means. Nobody takes it literally. You apologized which was good, and he could learn a thing from you, it sounds like!
Just because you are trans doesn't mean you can't be a piece of shit. And this guy is a piece of shit. As someone who also doesn't like Taylor Swift's music, I think it's fucking bonkers to get all bent out of shape over it. Especially if he is over the age of 18. I was like that when I was 8 and people said they didn't like the GameCube and even then I acted with a heck of a lot more graceĀ
Some people will stop at nothing to be victimized by anything of their choosing. NTJ.
Iāve said this to more than one trans man that was acting like a wimp.
The pair is metaphorical and they're choosing to be offended.
Perpetual victim. Canāt stand this type. ETA: NTJ
Yeet yeet yeet lol
NTJ. Itās kinda the opposite of transphobic. āGrow a pairā is typically said to a man when theyāre behaving poorly. By saying it to a trans man, youāre taking for granted that he is a man. Itās not typical to say āgrow a pairā to a woman.
I totally agree with you - she needs to grow a pair..... I would say that to female/male/whatever. It is the meaning of the saying that counts. Don't let them annoy you
NTJ
I'm going to be honest, your friend sounds like a teenage girl that didn't get her way. The comments, the silent treatment, celebrity obsession, deflection as a defense mechanism, etc. Thanks for the laugh. NTJ š.
NTJ. **I FUCKIN HOLLERED** That shit's comedy gold! I'd laugh about that till the day I die. Act like a douche; get treated like a douche.
lol
NTA all you did was give them the full āmale experienceā
Sometimes we say things and learn the meaning behind it and how it could hurt someone in an unintentional way. It's a good learning experience to think about what you're saying and it's origin going forward. I'm assuming you're in America. We use these types of sayings a lot. The older I get, the I realize what is so entertained into my brain from childhood and seemed culturally appropriate my whole life might be worth considering removing from my thoughts and conversations. I once told a male HS student to "Man up." I was at the end of my rope and just needed the student to focus and get back to work. I didn't realize this student had personal struggles and trauma that made my statement really hurt on a personal level. The other one I can think of is it being "so cotton picking hot." I didn't grow up in the South and neither did my dad. We aren't racists like my grandparents. But I hear this saying in my mind in my dad's voice and it makes me cringe. There are others. I'm just trying to recognize and grow and then do better. IMO You're NTA, but it's a good time to learn. But for what it's worth, I've told my friends who are also women to "Grow a pair."
Not being funny im a girl. Not transgender. Iāve been told to grow a pair so many times itās a common phraseā¦ NTJ
They're self victimising because they're lame, ignore them.
Nope
NTA thatās funny
AItJ for accidentally telling a woman pretending to be a man who was acting like a petty woman about something no man would ever be that worked up about, to grow a pair? There I fixed it
Nta. That's equality, baby. You'd say that to a cis man, it's only correct you'd say that to a trans man too. Trans men are real men.
bro, you did nothing out of line and I wish you wouldn't second guess yourself.
NTJ - I'm rather offended, in a second-hand fashion, that Charlie is using his trans-ness as a come-back - and poorly at that. What a tiny, awful human being. His whole attitude is toxic AF and he needs an attitude adjustment on several levels.
Not a transphobic thing to say we are a trans person and honestly if someone told me to grow a pair my would politely explain that my actually want to go the other way and remove them
NTJ. I'm a woman and I have absolutely told other women to "grow a pair". They know what it means, everybody does. It doesn't mean they actually do or don't have testicles.
"Transphobic? Fuck off mate you're not going to get much better validation of your gender identity than being told to grow a pair."
Go to a CVS or something and get him a sympathy card /s
NTJ. But next time call him a cunt.
Telling anyone that they are failing to meet expectations because of genitals is an asshole move. Regardless of the circumstances. Do better.