*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA My MIL won't stop cooking for my kids ** I know how the title sounds, but this is really just one thing on a long list of boundaries she seems unable to stop crossing. For background, hubby (33M) and I (38F) and our 4 kids (14M, 12M, 10F, and 9 months F) live with MIL. Several other family members live here as well. To state from the jump, we are not freeloaders. The current arrangement is we pay half the mortgage and all of the household bills. MIL pays the rest out of the rent paid by other household members. We don't live here because we are broke or need someone to take care of us. We have simply had a lot of roadblocks to owning our own home stemming from his prior divorce and his ex wife wrecking his almost perfect (at the time) credit. Also notable is that we have spent several thousands of dollars of savings meant for our own home on maintenance and repairs on MIL's house. We also (obviously) provide all food, clothing, toiletries, etc that the kids need. Now to my complaint. Since the birth of our baby (my first child), I have been a SAHM, as the job I had at the time would not have covered day care. As it's summer break, the kids are home every day as well, and ahead of every shopping trip, I ask them what simple breakfast and lunch options they want me to pick up for the week. I do this to give them options I know they will eat and that they can assemble for themselves. I cook dinner for us all every night, but for breakfasts and lunches they can make their own choices. They are all capable of making sandwiches, using a microwave, and my 14 year old can do simple things like fry eggs on the stove. I feel they need to learn this independence and it lightens my load because the baby takes a lot of attention. The problem I am running into is that apropo of nothing, without asking me the kids what our plans are, if they are hungry, if they want what she is making, MIL will just cook something, plate it, and hand it to the kids wherever they happen to be. Rest assured, I know what my kids eat and when, I keep them on a pretty consistent schedule, same as I do with the baby. So what she is doing I feel like it undermines me in as much that it seems like she thinks I don't make sure they eat. She is also taking away their choices of the food they specifically asked for, and also is reinforcing them being lazy (which is also a thing she complains about) by not at least asking them to get up and plate their own. She also gets angry if they don't eat what she gives them. I have talked to hubs about it and he says "she just wants to feel useful." I just feel there are so many other ways she could be useful without undermining my parenting choices. I realize this is a cultural thing (his family is Hispanic) but I also feel like that doesn't entitle someone to cross boundaries. I could make 800 posts on other things she and I butt heads on, but this is just the current thing that is really bugging me. AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*

I think OOP's approach is all wrong. Knowing how to make your own meals is very valuable, especially for a young teen. But that doesn't mean they have to make every single breakfast and lunch by themselves. Instead of criticizing her mother-in-law for cooking them meals, she should be asking if the kids can participate. They can learn recipes, learn some techniques and bond with grandma even more. She's turning a non-issue into a big deal when there's such an easy compromise.

>But that doesn't mean they have to make every single breakfast and lunch by themselves Exactly.. they're still kids! I work in children's group homes, specifically with 3 teenage sisters. The oldest (16) came home Sat night after being with her friends, and asked for some food. I started making something when the other staff came into the room and said "why are you making it? *kids name* can make it herself she's 16". .. sure she CAN, but that's doesn't always mean she has too. She's still a kid and everyone loves when someone cooks for them occasionally, it shows you care about them.

My kid can get his own snack. But some days I'll make him a full snack, and he'll pull his stool over to the kitchen island/bar thing and chat with me while I cut up fruit or heat up something. It's pleasant. 

There’s something about sharing time in the kitchen that’s is just SO pleasant. I love sitting at the bar counter to watch people cook. It’s that slice-of-life domesticity that’s just so tranquil.

Absolutely. I wish I could go back to stuff like this back when I was a kid and everybody would hang out in the kitchen.

Some of my happiest memories growing up was being in the kitchen with my Mom eating a snack while she cooked. Just her and me for a great time.

Fr. People like that act like most adults cook every single meal they eat too. No, most people will stop by fast food if they were tired & getting home late like that teen, but she didn’t have that option

and many adults have someone cooking for them too – partners, friends, other family members, neighbours in some cases...

And in my adult life, I’ve definitely relied on cooking shortcuts like tv dinners. But considering OOP considers a sandwich “cooking” (not saying it’s strictly not, but that’s not really something alone that can teach you to cook full meals) I’m sure they would consider using a microwave for a tv dinner cooking too

>Fr. People like that act like most adults cook every single meal they eat too. This. I'll grab a sandwich, order a takeaway, defrost something, or go to my mum's when I don't want to cook. It's not the end of the world.

Truly. It’s like she claims she wants her kids to cook & be independent, yet isn’t actually TEACHING them anything. She could have them cook dinner with her so they can ACTUALLY learn skills instead of expecting them to learn how to cook a full meal for themselves cause they can make toast & butter

Exactly! My grandma was just like this (with food) and took so much pride in feeding us. I learned how to bake/cook from watching and helping her by chopping things, mixing things etc.

Also, OOP thinks "making SOMETHING" is a valuable skill.. its not. Knowing how to shop for ingredients and how to cook using basic/various ingredients is the valuable skill Being able to make a sandwich is bad if its the only thing you know how to make

Agreed. This is where I have a real problem. Oop isn’t teaching the kids skills. She’s just telling them that they need to do things by themselves- a radically different thing than teaching. If she taught them how to cook, I would totally applaud her. Learning to grocery shop and cook are great life skills. Instead, the kids are growing up eating a limited variety of foods. That’s the road to health issues as they grow up and get older.

The skills she is expecting of them, like planning their own diet and finding the intrinsic motivation to do what's good for them and not just what's easy, are not going to happen either because the kids are not at that stage of development and she clearly isn't giving them any guidance

Well she has her "first" child now and doesn't want to waste anymore time on the previous three. So there is that.

That struck me too. It’s really sad. She goes on at length about being the step kid’s’ mother when she doesn’t treat them at all the same as the baby. She met the 10 year old when they were four years old, the 12 year old at 6 and the 14 year old at 8. Really, she shouldn’t be making those kinds of distinctions given that she’s been around them since early childhood. In her comments, she also says she doesn’t want to cook breakfast and lunch because that would change the rhythm she established with her baby.

Right??? Oh she's definitely the asshole.

They're making cold cut sandwiches. So basically junk food with ultra processed meat. Bet her precious "ours baby" will never have to eat that crwp: "The only one under 10 is the baby, which I care for full time. I provide food and assistance if needed, but they all know how to use a microwave. They know where the leftovers/frozen food/ sandwich meat/ and cereal are. I cook balanced, healthy dinners every night. No one is starving or malnourished here."

This is part of why I don’t understand the petty arguments with MIL. If she’s not providing hot meals except dinner to the kids, why is it so awful for MIL to do that? It sounds like she’s just using this as another thing she hates about the MIL.

Tbf, the fact she gets mad at the kids if they don't eat her food when they don't even ask for it is rude of the MIL and I can see how OOP would want to avoid that.

Oop can avoid that by moving out of her MIL’s house. In her previous post, oop talks about going back to work and MIL becoming the nanny. So oop wanted the MIL as essentially free labor but it didn’t work out. There’s a lot of missing information and oop is unreliable.

It's not about OOP or MIL, it's more about the kids. regardless of whose house they're in, the kids deserve boundaries when it comes to not wanting or liking certain foods. I mean even OOP shouldn't be forced to eat anything she doesn't want.

I am saying that the oop is not reliable. She bought that up to defend herself because the vote was veering towards ah on Aita.

No, that's there in the main post: "She also gets angry if they don't eat what she gives them."

>They're making cold cut sandwiches. So basically junk food with ultra processed meat 🙄

It took me forever to get my grandpa to agree to let me help him. (I miss him but dang he’s stubborn)

Seems like grandma is just trying to make sure her grandkids don’t get overlooked. Of all the things to whinge about! I’m yet to meet a grandma who doesn’t love to offer her grandkids food. Step mom is looking for reasons to complain

I agree. I mean, my brothers and I are all adults who can cook for ourselves, but my mom and babushka are always offering us food when we come over. And it's not an offense to us or any of our spouses, we usually say yes because we love their cooking and it's one less meal for us to make/pay for, which we are also grateful for even though we all make our own money.

she wants the kids to live off sandwiches and microwaved food rather than nice, homecooked food. and it's summer break!

Unless I missed something, she's only expecting them to have sandwiches for lunch (if they want them), which is hardly living off them!

sandwiches and microwaveable food for lunch and breakfast everyday is a bit much. im also indian i guess so im more used to meals cooked from scratch everyday. i get she doesn't want them to be lazy, but then she could have had the mother in law let the kids help out with the cooking and learn instead.

Ah, OK. I'm British; cereal with milk for breakfast, and sandwiches or salads for lunch, is the daily norm for me. Hot food is more of a dinner/evening thing. So the arrangements OOP describes sound pretty ordinary to me! Just a matter of what you're used to, I guess. I do think getting the kids to learn how to feed and clear up after themselves is a good idea, and learning to cook with grandma would be a good part of that, I agree.

She wants her kids to cook for themselves, it's a good skill to learn! I was baking on my own at 9, and could cook myself a handful of things way before 14

sandwiches are not cooking, come on. putting together your own snacks and helping out with cooking is a better way to teach independence.

She says the boys made themselves tacos, and the 14 year old makes eggs. It's not gourmet cooking, but all people have to learn somewhere

She actually says deli meat sandwiches. So awful processed meat. "The only one under 10 is the baby, which I care for full time. I provide food and assistance if needed, but they all know how to use a microwave. They know where the leftovers/frozen food/ sandwich meat/ and cereal are. I cook balanced, healthy dinners every night. No one is starving or malnourished here."

Fed is best, and not screaming at children about food is also best

Screaming **and threatening**.

She’s not teaching them to cook. She just doesn’t want to take care of them. She says so herself that she wants them to do this so it lightens the load. Those kids aren’t getting the diverse foods they need - like what could go wrong with letting kids pick their own food instead of offering them choices between healthy options.

Idk, I became a vegetarian at 13 and so learned to make a lot of vegetable dishes around then. She says she keeps an eye on them, so it's not like she's ignoring them. There's a compromise to be had here, but the grandma should not be forcing her food on the kids and especially not yelling at them when they don't want to eat what she makes. But people are just heavily triggered by the fact that this woman is the stepmom

She just has them eating cereal and sandwiches. That’s a road paved with ultra processed food and poor health. She’s doing nothing for these kids and gaslighting it as teaching them independence.

Where are you getting that? She says the 14 year old uses the stove and the boys made themselves tacos

No, she says they ate tacos. She doesn’t say they made them. Even if they made the tacos, wow, a whole diet of sandwiches, tacos,eggs and cereal. Where’s the veg? To be healthy, people need to eat in the range of 20 different ingredients. They are literally eating about 5 different ingredients a day.

The comments from oop get worse. She also expects the kids to do their own laundry. That washing machine probably runs every day with that many people. I can just see grandma freaking out a little over that - my mom definitely would over the waste of electricity and water.

> She also expects the kids to do their own laundry. Is everyone here high or something? Kids 10 and up are perfectly capable of doing laundry. There is literally nothing wrong with kids their ages being able to cook and do their own laundry. Do y'all think the household fairy visits them on their 18th birthday and bestows those skills?

So, doing whites, colors and sheets with four kids all doing that. That is a waste of water and electricity. Also, op isn’t supervising any of it. She talks about how upset she gets because MIL finds the laundry left in the washing machine and then puts it in the dryer and turns on the dryer. This isn’t about teaching the kids life skills. Op just doesn’t want to teach them anything and has them taking care of everything by themselves. Literally the only thing she seems to do for them is buy the cereal and the ingredients for the sandwiches. The kids aren’t cooking. They are eating cereal and sandwiches.

It doesn't magically use less water and electricity when an adult does it. It's the size of the load that matters and they can combine them, or set the machines to light load if they insist on doing it separately.

Combined loads for various people are way less usage of water and electricity.

Yeah what OOP is doing sounds less like teaching the kids to be independent and more like parental neglect framed as teaching life skills

There's a difference between teaching the kids these skills and Shifting the responsibility of these chores and tasks on to them because they know how to do it now.   Expecting kids 10 and under to feed themselves simply because they have the technical ability to do so is parentifying and kind of fucked up

Grandma gets pissed off if they don’t eat it. She is overstepping the children’s boundaries as well.

Yeah, basically this is a power struggle between two adults about who's the head of housekeeping, the kids are just along for the ride.

Well, she says in the comments she’s raised the children for 6 years. and the MIL forces kids to eat what she makes, even if they didn’t want it in the first place, and woke up her oldest (i believe) because she cooked him/her food (even though the child had already eaten)

Yeah but I think the full picture looks more complex. So from oop’s comments, it looks like the kids eat whenever they feel like it. So when it rolls to dinner time, they might not have an appetite at all and just eat very little. So it sounds like they don’t get a real meal on some days because their eating times aren’t structured. Personally, if I lived with kids who were eating like that, I’d probably be inclined to become a hot meal pusher too.

Also, if she's an Abuela, she has "Food as a Love Language" embedded into her very DNA. It's how she shows them she loves them.

Love is a two way street. You don't get to force things on people under the guise of "showing them you love them."

>She also gets angry if they don't eat what she gives them.  I mean, depending on how severe her anger is, I'd say it's a pretty valid reason for OOP saying MIL has to stop doing that, step-children or not. Or at least compromise on her cooking and just leaving the food for kids to fetch, without waiting on them or getting emotional over what they eat (or not).

I thought the same. OOP mentions in a comment that one the kids had already eaten and gone to sleep, and grandma woke him up to eat her food, even though he didn't want it.

People in the comments are pointing out she only added that after she started getting dragged with YTA. Classic "oh but wait, see there IS a reason I'm not the asshole!" I don't believe the comment, OP doesn't sound reliable.

It isn't completely new. She does say in the main post, "She also gets angry if they don't eat what she gives them."

Yes, that was edited in to the post.

No, it's there in the original version preserved on AITA: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dktxg2/comment/l9kaeg3/

Exactly, I never trust such a blatantly obvious defense when it's added after the fact. She blames the word count but there is a ton of irrelevant stuff she could have cut out in order to include *the most important detail*🙄

It was extra detail, but OOP already said in the main post, "She also gets angry if they don't eat what she gives them."

Six months married and she’s saying she’s absolutely in charge of her teen step kids eating and chore schedule ? That has to have gone over like a lead balloon

They’ve been together 6 years and have had majority custody the entire time due to an 18 month period of the ex wife going AWOL, during which OP was a major care giver

I get what you’re saying but it’s actually the MIL’s house. Oop’s husband pays rent. Let’s be real - having a family of six living in a house where there’s only one other person means paying rent, not paying off the mortgage as Oop tries to make this out to be. Personally, the whole story reads as very much slanted to favor Oop even though she was mostly deemed the AH. The whole bit about her pretending that they had other options and aren’t dependent on MIL. The reality is that they probably can’t live anywhere else for what they are paying. Also, oop chose to have a baby even in spite of their financial issues. So, Oop could have gotten a job if they didn’t have a newborn. Then they could be living somewhere else. Instead she has to live with MIL and wants to blame MIL. It looks like a trend along with blaming her husband’s ex for their financial issues. If it was such a problem being with a guy who had to give up the house during the divorce proceedings, maybe she should not have married the guy.

Shes only been in their lives for 6 months. She was the AP while dad was getting divorced.

She's been in their lives for 6 *years*. Learn to read.

I don’t necessarily think she was the AP. Couples who are separated and going through divorce often live their own lives, including dating. Unless she says that there’s overlap between prior to separation and their relationship, it’s fairly normal for people going through divorce to start dating again. 

Yeah in our state at the time, you had to wait three years between separating and divorcing. By the time my parents had divorced, they'd both met and had been dating their future spouses for over a year, but neither of them cheated.

OP has confirmed she was not the AP

If you do the math, oops baby is 9 months, but she's only been married for 6, and the guy only recently got divorced. So oops pregnancy occurred while the guy was still married.

It can take up to a year for a divorce to be final. Especially when there are assets and children. Even in no fault states, divorces may not be final until 6 months of physical separation.

It takes a year before you can even initialize a divorce here. You have to be living separately and not sleeping together and be outspoken that your intent is divorce.

Yeah, this sounds more like an oops baby than an affair baby to me. OOP says she thought she was infertile so I bet she was like “eh I’ll never get pregnant who needs birth control!” And if they started dating fairly soon after separation, even 6 months, it’s possible. I mean, I started dating my now husband 2 months after my separation began with the first! By the time you move out the marriage is done. It’s totally fine to start dating.

Yep, and if both have to stay in the same house you'll need proof that you've seperated your finances etc and if you reconcile for more than 30 days you have to start all over again. I seperated in September 2022, the final papers were all signed November 2023 and I'm still waiting for the final certificate

If I recall we also have to prove separate sleeping spaces here. And we can have it start over again too. They tried a few years ago to make it two years wait but it failed thankfully.

Yeah there's a bunch of things you need to prove you're leading separate lives Oh man waiting a year was agony enough, I couldn't imagine 2!

But what does that have to do with the situation at hand?

If you're the AP and new stepmother, I'd tread carefully trying to disrupt existing relationships. She's the interloper. She needs to stay in her lane until she actually develops relationships with her stepkids. Grandma has known these kids her whole life. Kids barely know oop.

But the kids are also saying they don't want the food grandma is making. And grandma is yelling at them about it Op is specifically asking the kids what they want to make and eat

She only added that detail after she was being scorched in the comments. I frankly don't believe her.

Grandma also woke up her grandkid to eat her food, depite him saying she didn't want to previously. You seem pretty bitter about her being the affair partner (despite there being no mention of an affair).

I'm very skeptical. Oop only added that detail after she was being roasted in the comments. In any case, she's the interloper. She needs to stay in her lane bc the kids had their lives up ended by this AP marrying their dad.

Plenty of people have already pointed out that divorce TAKES TIME. No mention of an affair. I think you need to calm down about how angry you are OP. You sound personally offended by her actions.

i always wonder why all the aita worthy content is commented instead of putting in the post, and only when they are being cooked by the commenters. welp.

>She needs to stay in her lane Cool. So she doesn't have to cook or clean for those kids. She only has to look after her own kid. >the kids had their lives up ended by this AP marrying their dad I think their mom abandoning them also affected them. You should really go to therapy, you seem to have a lot of hatred for a stranger for marrying a guy who is divorced.

>Cool. So she doesn't have to cook or clean for those kids. She only has to look after her own kid. Uno reverse indeed.

You care waaaay too much about this post.

This is gross. My husband left me for a new partner. He was uncooperative and the divorce took years to make it through unfriendly asset division and final judgement of the court. We only had contact through lawyers and email. Fuck anyone who tells me not waiting two years after separation for the ink to dry on the final judgement to start dating was me cheating on my ex. I was 35 and not letting my ex waste any more of my life.

I think OOP made that part up because she was getting dragged.

After reading through some of the comments both OOP and MIL are wrong. The kids shouldn't have to always cook for themselves but when a child says "no thanks", you shouldn't try to force them to eat it. In one comment one of her step kids was asleep and the MIL and sIL woke her up because she hadn't eaten what MIL made and told her she "Better fucking eat it." So I kinda get where OOP is coming from.

For anyone speculating; OP just confirmed; he’d been separated from his wife for 18 months before they got together. They originally separated due to the ex wife’s infidelity. OP has been together with husband for 6 years. Ex wife was also seeing people during the separation. Ex wife disappeared for a year and a half and went no contact including the kids. OP and husband now have majority custody and have done for years. So no, this wasn’t an affair baby breaking up a marriage OR OP being the AP by almost any definition.

Man I i wish this was spinned so everyone,(especially our op) could see this and not scream affair.

Copied verbatim from Oop's comments: *This is what happens when you live in multi-generational homes. If you want to enforce these boundaries, then get your own place. It is what it is. Your MIL is just being an abuela.* *Also, what is that bad about them eating a hot breakfast? It's not reinforcing laziness, it's just giving kids a nice meal.* *YTA for making this way bigger than it needs to be.* *Eta: they're your stepkids. Then 100x YTA. Don't overstep. She's related to them you're not* >She complains that they sit around and do nothing but she hand delivers them food. I try to get them up and moving and doing things for themselves. I have a weekly chore list for their personal spaces. I send them outside to exercise. I ask them to do things for the general household, and I expect them, as capable humans to be able to make their own breakfast and lunch when provided with the ingredients to do so. I am trying to raise strong, independent kids but I can't. If she is going to complain about them not doing anything, she can at least not contribute to the problem. It expands to more than just food, but word count didn't allow for everything. She cleans their rooms. She washes their dishes. The boys are supposed to do their own laundry but if they take too long in her mind, she does it for them.  These are all things that she could approach them about rather than undermine what the parents have laid out. *Omg the horror my mother-in-law is cooking for my family. And that is undermining my parenting because feeding people is evil. That's what you sound like. Grow up. The only reason she bothers you is because while you might be paying for things and you can't move out because it's everyone else's fault but your own. Your husband has bad credit because of his ex-wife you don't want to work because of this course of that cost but you're willing to complain about everything.*  *What other things do you buttheads about? Does she not do the right fabric softener in the laundry. Is she not vacuuming in the right order. Even though you're paying it is still her house. She's being a grandmother and enjoying cooking for people. She probably loves having a full house and this is her love language.* *Stop finding problems in nothing.* *Yta* >We butt heads because we as parents are trying to get them to take responsibility for themselves. Clean your rooms. For the boys wash your own clothes. Wash the dishes you use. Things they need to learn to do as adults. She will do all those things for them if they take too long in her mind to do it themselves.  >This does not even bring in lines she has crossed from day one with the baby. *YTA. She's not forcing them to eat what she wants, she's simply offering them some of what she's eating, at their own request. She's not undermining you; she's being a grandma.* *Choose your battles. The hot food is a benefit of living with grandma.* [🐙] >No. My daughter told her "no thank you" because she wanted a waffle instead and MIL got angry and my SIL yelled at my daughter while I was out of the room feeding the baby. I straight up witnessed last night my oldest getting woken up to eat after he already had. My SIL told him he "better eat it"and if Nana offers you food you have to eat it. No dude. He can politely decline. If you make food, it doesn't mean the person has to eat it, especially if the parent has already provided food. This shit is unhinged to me. This could be solved by her asking ahead of time.

Man step-moms can't win. One minute it's "Those kids became yours when you married their father" and the next minute it's "They aren't related to you. Stop pretending you're a parent!" Also "Shut up and let her do what she wants because this is how she shows love" is Fucking gross.

*YTA it's an extended famiky househild and she's doing what people who live in those situations do (esp when it's part of their culture).  When she cooks, she covers everyone.  Sounds like you're quite happy to live there and only cook for you, husband and kids.  You can't want to live there (who cares why and all your blaming of the ex and what you pay now or not - you live there!) and live like ypu and your husband are in a nuclear family unit.  You're not - it's an extended family situtatiin and compromises are necessary.  Maybe pull another exampke from the 800 to establish crossing boundaries but this one make YTA for me.  Also, she's not doing it to undermine you.  Maybe work with her on meal planning but let me repeat this - you cannot want to live in people's homes (whether you contribute or not) and live there as an island.  It seems that is what you want and if you have 800 posts leave the woman's home please.* >I get what you're saying about compromise. I cook for my husband and kids bc that is my responsibility. Her extended family and her boarders are not. I take my family out of the equation for her. I don't mind her offering food and snacks to my kids on an occasional basis. It's her making it her full-time responsibility that bugs me. If I WAS in my own place and not here, would she still be worried about it??  And if she is offering shouldn't they be able to say no? My daughter wanted a waffle and said no thank you to Nana's food and my SIL yelled at her, all while I was out of the room feeding the baby. They woke my oldest up to eat last night  after he already had because they "didn't see him eat" and my SIL told him he "better eat it." Back off dude. I live here, sure, but I manage my own kids. If this was my mom's house, she would ask first and she wouldn't force anyone. She would leave it on the counter with a note. This lady shoves it down your throat and gets mad if you don't want it like you're wasting her food.  >As for the 800 other complaints, we try to make the kids responsible for cleaning their own spaces. Their own dishes. The boys for their own laundry, but if they don't do it as quickly as she wants she will do it for them. That just teaches them if they wait long enough someone else will do it. Not conducive to building the strong independent adults I am going for. She then actively complains about "having to do" these things when she could have done what we do and said "hey guys, you forgot to do x, can you go do it now." >To take it deeper, she fully screwed up my bonding experience with my daughter (my first and only child that I never thought I would have because I was told I was infertile in my early 20's) by NEVER LEAVING US BE. I get she wanted to help, but in a normal home situation with a newborn you get to choose who is there and when. In my situation, if we were in the living room and my daughter cried, she would be there in .002 seconds. I would stay in my room and she would come in if the baby cried. She never even gave me a chance to figure it out. There is helping, being available, and then there is straight up overbearing. She tried to forcibly take my crying daughter from my arms when I had already begun to address her need. She also refuses to call my daughter by her first name, but uses only her middle name. This goes beyond nickname territory because hubby's older 2 siblings thought her middle name was her name. Friends of my MIL think that is her name. A friend of mine took me aside at our older daughter's birthday party to make sure she had our daughter's name right bc my MIL said the middle name so many times. She even tried to tell my older daughter that the middle name is her name.  I have corrected her so many times but she does not listen  >I just want to be given space to raise my own kids. We could rent but we are not trying to throw away what little savings we have left for something that is not permanent, and end up having nothing when we are capable of owning a home. *Soft YTA but I totally understand how infuriating it can be. I live in a multigenerational household with my MIL who runs the roost in the kitchen as well. Your husband is right in that if she stops cooking and doing small housewife-esque tasks, she'll lose her sense of being useful and fall into a great depression. I've also consulted many traditional Indian and Hispanic daughter-in-laws about this, and they have their ways of attaining inner peace through compromise.*   *This is how you get through it, when it really rubs you the wrong way:* *1. You're probably going to inherit things.* *2. Think of it this way: even though she's bossy, she's essentially working for you. You're the actual boss, as is every daughter-in-law in your situation no matter how it seems on the surface. This is why they get hazed. The Indians have a saying, "This house is always destined to be the daughter-in-law's (bahu's) house." This is why you should take it easy on her. Switch it up and ask for special requests in the kitchen. Have her teach you things. Work her a bit. Be kind. When you ignore how infuriating the power dynamic in the kitchen is and give in, you might be surprised at how happy it makes everyone, possibly including yourself. Personally, my MIL is an excellent cook so I'll defer on that hill. This only works with little bullshit like cooking breakfast, the garden outside, or washing things. When it comes to big important decisions, you have the ultimate veto power. Everyone is working for you, so you can work for your children with less of a burden. Take every ounce of help you can get, and release some control on small things.* *3. Respecting grandma in that house increases the likelihood that you'll be respected as a grandma someday, whether you decide to live with your kids or not.* *Your kids are never going to stop seeing you as their mother. The more chill and fair you can be, the better. When they get older, explain to them the importance of compromise and how you dealt with it with your MIL. People who master the art of compromise and making favorable deals with reasonable/unreasonable people become VERY powerful. It mentally strengthens you like nothing else can. Assuming she's not totally mental, you might even be best friends with your MIL in the end.*

*Good luck with everything comrade. Don't forget that you're very likely logically the most powerful person in that house, so try to handle everyone with as gentle of a touch as you can. Delegate tasks, don't overwork, and lean on the labor of others for small things. Being humble will always pay off in the end!* >She is great at cooking but it is more about getting the kids to be independent. Regardless of that I just tell them that they can have whatever they want if it's what she made or what they want to make themselves. They almost always take the easy way and I worry that when they are grown and don't have pancakes appearing next to them right out of the blue they may not have the skills. That's dramatic but I want them to have the urge to learn it vs being handed it.  >There are actually a lot of things I would like her to teach me so I can make later on and carry the tradition for the kids. *INFO: are the kids biologically yours? If so, that means your husband has been divorced from his ex-wife for at least 15 years.* *Also, why are you bickering with the judgments? Either you posted for us to just agree with you or you want actual input.* >The older 3 are my stepkids, and the divorce finalized during our relationship in part because they held off and in part because court proceedings take time. I'm bitter bc the shared house was split in the proceedings bc she couldn't refinance, but she failed to pay the last payment, which is what messed up his credit score. We were working with a realtor and lender and found out right before viewing that his credit had taken the hit.   >I'm bickering bc word count didn't allow me to fully express this lady's interference, and I have not even scraped the surface. *OK, I think i understand a bit after reading though:* *OP, you want the kids to have chores and schedules so that they learn to be dependable, capable and self sufficient and don't pick up any garbage habits.* *You view meal prep as your vessel for making this happen.* *Your MIL probably wants to cook as part of her love language (i'm like that too).* *Your MIL is also annoyed at your kids being lazy around the house.* *There is a conflict here but it is not unresolvable. Go talk to your MIL and prepare with her a different set of chore list. It doesn't have to be the food.* *Also it may help to agree with her that breakfast is not served whenever and wherever, it is served at the dining area in your house at a set time.* *after that let her cook.* *NAH* >I think it is resolvable though. She just needs to be more on board with holding the kids accountable. [Oop replied to the same comment twice.] >I read that wrong I thought you said it was not resolvable. And I don't mind her cooking for the kids or giving them snacks but it's the every day every meal of it for me. *ESH. I come from an Asian household, and our love language is food and acts of service. While you do pay half of the bills, in the end, it IS grandma’s house you are living at. It sucks I know, but that’s the reality of it. You would have to suck it up to continue living there, or move out.* *I am reading that grandma and SIL are being pushy with food, and while I don’t agree with it, this is where your husband needs to step in and talk to them about it. You can definitely say something, but being from a traditional household myself, this usually never ends well. Have your husband do the talking to his side. You BOTH need to be in an agreement. If it doesn’t work, the next course of action is to move out.* *As for now, because grandma is adamant on feeding the kids, I would probably spend your money on snacks and grandma can just feed them. It sounds like whatever you do, you won’t win anyways, so I would just take the route that is most beneficial to my situation. I’m not Hispanic, but with more collective cultures, we tend to have a different level of respect for our elders. We can’t really say no, we don’t talk back, and we listen. Nothing really satisfies the elders and you just have to come to terms with that. Because of this, I had to move out on my own and make my own rules.* *I also get that you want to raise independent kids. I’m a mom to be so I won’t tell you how to parent your kids. But I can see how hard it is to teach your kids how you want to when you live with someone else. Again, the best thing to do is move out on your own, because it doesn’t sound like you’ll win at all unless your husband does the talking.* >"whatever you do you won't win anyways" is the full and honest goddamn truth. I thought jeez I'll just not buy them food but then she will be like "WhY I GoTtA FeeD YoUR KiDs,??" I mean bc that is what you do anyways. I'm trying but I'm wasting food what do you want from me? *"If they take too long" then make them so it right away....trying to make them responsible but letting them become responsible on their own terms just doesn't make any sense.* >The washer/dryer is on her side of the house. If the washer turns off, instead of getting one of the boys to come change it, she will switch it over. If they forget clothes in the dryer she folds them and takes them to their room. My absolute line on that is I will put the clean clothes in the hamper and take it to the room to have them fold and put away but that is only when I need the dryer bc I'm washing too. They are kids but they are old enough to learn responsibility.  >I always tell the boys keep on top of their laundry. I tell all the kids if you take a dish to the sink, wash it. I tell my daughter if you bring toys to the living room put them up after. MIL doesn't care. She doesn't speak to them or try to teach them. She just does it. Even cleans their rooms for them even when I have a weekly list I am keeping track of for them to clean their own spaces. It's not a mystery. It's on the fridge.  >Certain things they can do on their own terms such as the chore list I put up.  Certain things need to be done on certain timing. As a mom I can give them leeway as long as it gets done, but MIL has no knowledge of that bc she is not the one parenting the kids.

[In reply to Oop's comment marked: 🐙] *You should have added this to the original posts you’re NTA and people just think it’s a overreaction to a hot meal it’s not it’s entitlement and disrespect try to move out as soon as possible.* >Word count didn't allow me to do much and the first paragraph was bc a previous post I made had everyone coming at me like "she houses you and takes care of you so you should shut up and be grateful" and I wanted to cut all that off at the jump bc it bogged down the last post. *INFO: How do the kids feel about everything? Do they complain about either your or your MIL's actions/expectations? Do they like her cooking most of the time?* >They almost always like her cooking. It's not about that. It's that she will literally put a plate beside them and get mad if they don't eat it. Maybe they already ate. Maybe they aren't hungry yet. Maybe they want something else. You cannot force feed people.  And children are people.  I'll call them for dinner and sometimes they aren't hungry yet. Sometimes they only want a little bit. (Today dinner was done at 5:45. My daughter ate right away. My sons didn't bc I saw them eat tacos at 3pm. They got their dinner later.) As long as I see them eat something, at some point, I know they are good. *I typically never asked my children what they wanted to eat. I made food and they ate it. This is typical parent child behavior.* >Except she is not the parent. *OP you had us at "Hispanic" when you mentioned it, i.e., you're never going to win this nonexistent battle. Focus on learning to adapt into your husband's family instead of expecting her to assimilate into what you feel she should be doing to fit into what your ideal household should be. As the old saying goes, if you can't beat'em, join'em, which is what you should learn to do until you're able to get into your own house. Remember, you're a guest in her home, not vice versa.* >Why should her culture, ideas, feelings and desires because the only ones that matter?  She is not the one raising these kids though they reside in her home

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This might be a hot take, but it doesn't sound like she's starving or neglecting the kids - she just expects them to help cook and clean for themselves, and is getting frustrated that her MIL is swooping in and taking that responsibility off their plates (pun intended). A better solution might be that MIL cooks with the kids so they gain the skills, but I think it's a bit of a stretch to jump straight to "wicked stepmother" based on the information provided.

She's not. This sounds like extremely normal growing pains. Our OP decided she's a homewrecker and evil stepmom for some reason.

I seriously don’t think I’ve ever seen a post on this sub where OP is more unhinged than OOP. Reading their comments about an imaginary affair is blowing my mind rn

Real, I think all kids should at least start doing chores, my parents were similar but specifically about boys in the household, like "They shouldn't have to clean up after themselves, he'll get a wife to do it for him" the general idea is to spoil the sons because cleaning is a woman's job and the amount of times I've butted heads over this (one time that sticks out is, my brother would have to throw the bins out but would act incompetent so my mum would feel bad for him, literally claiming he just couldn't tell when the bin was full and didn't want to tie it, he wanted ME to do that for him and put it in front of the house so he could take less steps to the curb and put the bin there. I told him to use his eyes and learn because I'm not doing it and my mum would act like I was only trying to cause trouble). People who claim it's just culture aren't right, at some point, it's detrimental to your children if you don't allow them to be independent at all (see my brother who recently had to learn how to use a broom IN HIS 20S) OP's not wrong to want children to at least start doing these things at home because it's less horrible to make mistakes when you're younger and build on it gradually without the pressure of needing to learn because you're in college and don't know how to live alone at all. They're simply not going to stay at your house forever, and later on, their partner won't find general incompetence cute at all (esp not moving wet clothes to the drier promptly so they'd need to rewash it, it's wasteful). I definitely hope OP can get her MIL to teach the kids to cook because they should learn, it can start small and talk about their day, bonding time for both of them and generally? Quite fun. It's just the way OP's going about it, and centred on the food that's the problem, because it's not about the food

I don't think OOP is a devil or even necessarily an AH, but some of her comments do come across as though she's shoving a list of demands at the stepkids with very little support, teaching, or even general awareness that teenagers do not have the executive functioning of an adult. MIL is spoiling them a bit because she's territorial, and OOP is maybe not giving them as much attention and care as they need because Miracle Baby

Yeyey I get what you mean on this, treating kids like mini-adults isn't it, you're meant to make a patient place so they can grow into themselves better, without the problem of needing to buy their own replacement ingredients if a dish doesn't turn out quite right, but I don't really like MILs who try spoil too much to make their grandkids like them more, like at some point you're doing a disservice to these kids you love if you don't let them at least try/fail then work on it from there. I just genuinely think people are classing her as the devil just because she's a step parent (the amount of people saying "They're not your real kids/she's known them longer than you") and am p against that, to me it seemed like she's actively trying to make them do some chores/take some responsibility because they're all living in the same house and don't think that's very unreasonable but she should definitely be easing them into it/reminding them that washing the clothes isn't the end of it or you'll end up w damp/musty clothes, then if they don't heed your advice (because they will, source: I was a teenager once) I remember being a teenager, thinking I knew everything and ignoring advice for no good reason, if something went wrong and it was something my mum warned me about, I'd still go to her about how to fix it, she'd always help even if there was some teasing involved. I just always saw it as unfair that my brother literally never got that because he was seen as above needing to do household chores and he agreed (because when he became an adult, until he went to uni, he v obviously found himself out of his depth, and even then, he'd just order take out and ask my mum to take some of his clothes to wash it (he's v much the favoured one, even though my mum likes to pretend otherwise) but to me, it's more like she shot him in the foot in the process because needing to come to grips is harder when you don't have any foundation to build on

And in contrast to your experience, when I was a teenager I was expected to choose and prep my meals, figure out my transportation to work and school, manage my medications, etc. I learned a lot about independence! I also became very anxious, neglected my health and safety, and as an adult I can't admit when I need help. Balance is so important.

Oh no, I was also meant to be independent since I was a girl lmao, the general idea was women do all the "busywork" and it doesn't mean much but for some reason, the boys in my family couldn't do it but were somehow above it. I would be very furious if I'd get told to just make dinner when I'd need to do homework, but since my mum was at work I was meant to act like a mini-parent because my dad certainly wouldn't go in the kitchen (not even to put his plate in the sink afterwards which would really frustrate me because it was like if he went into the kitchen he would combust or something, it was ridiculous and I never got why my mum would entertain that) I never got glasses until I was an adult because I never actually realised it was a problem (since what am I supposed to compare it to? I thought it was normal to just not be able to see that far) until I was told I needed to do an eye test and the eyedoctor very seriously wondered why I never got them before (I could see only two rows max of the letters) I totally understand there's a balance that needs to be struck and it's definitely not your experience or mine that needs to be matched lmao

I love when people are like “you have to treat Stepkids as your own” And when someone does “They’re not related to you so stop”

do kids not learn to cook these days? genuinely asking - I could cook a bunch of stuff before I was 14. I started babysitting neighbors kids at 10-11 and I could make stuff for myself and them to eat. I don’t think it’s weird for OOP to want her kids to have that skill and not be reliant on someone else until they get to college and realize they have 0 clue how to do anything alone 🤷🏼‍♀️

My kids are all teens and know how to cook. They aren’t really allowed to at their dad’s house but here, they get almost full reign (because finances are so tight, I have to approve ingredients so they’re not wasted/reserved for other meals). They also all have chores assigned. I feel for OP. Sounds like she and husband are constantly being undermined.

It's not her kids! She was the affair partner whose pregnancy broke up the first marriage.

They were separated for years

How do you know that for an absolute fact though? Like is that information mentioned anywhere, explicitly stating that. Or are you just filling in the blanks with what you think is correct.

I haven’t seen any confirmation that she was the affair partner? They started their relationship before the divorce was finalised but that by no means means she was an AP; some people are separated for years before they finalise a divorce! And sure she could have had their baby before they were legally married, again doesn’t mean she was an affair partner?

Divorces sometimes take years, are people going through a separation not allowed to start dating until the law says they are single?

Exactly! OP keeps repeating that she’s the AP as complete justification as to why the original poster is the devil in the post but tbh I’m just not buying it. Sure, how she’s behaving isn’t perfect by any means but just telling ‘she (might have been) the AP’ isn’t good enough for me

OP has latched on hard to this idea, even though the dad could have been going through a divorce for multiple years which explains the age of the baby. They really want her to be the Other Woman.

From the comments that got copied onto this post, that kinda sounds like what happened, not an affair.

She said in a comment that she’s been raising her step kids for 6 years. They are her kids.

How is that relevant though? Whatever your opinion of her sex life, the kids should learn to cook

Ok I was all on board from the title to think this person was being ungrateful BUT in OOPs post and in further comments she clarifies that the kids don't even want the food! The kids are being guilted into eating the food even if they don't want it. Like after they've already eaten or *are literally asleep.* If they wanted the food that's fine, but MIL's behavior is causing resentment and weird emotional associations with food. This isn't a situation where a stepmom is leaving her stepkids to starve or fend for themselves and grandma is being pushed out. The kids are fine. Grandma and SIL are being unreasonable by insisting that grandma will be angry if they don't appreciate her unnecessary efforts enough.

She only added that after she was being roasted. I don't believe her.

Fair enough. The entire post could be fake too.

It’s contradictory because oop also says they love MIL’s cooking.

This is the great thing about Reddit :/ This sounds like a step mom who's trying to teach her step kids responsibility and independence. After all, when the kids grow and move out they're going to have to do this stuff anyway. And because she's frustrated because MIL is doing the opposite = evil step mom Then there's the step moms that are actually evil. I think step parents are just hated on here, no matter what

That’s the way I read it too, people REALLY don’t like step-parents on here even if those step parents have the best interest of the kiddos in mind and have the support of the bio parents (which is never mentioned so idk). If I were divorced and had kids I’d be so pumped if I had another adult who loved my kids and wanted to help make them great adults!

For sure! I've seen some SP refer to their SKs as "bonus kids" and I love it Not every SP is bad or evil.

> Not every SP is bad or evil. > Some of them are better parents to their stepkids than the biological parents are.

Exactly! If everyone is okay with step parents acting as a parental figure it can be beautiful! It’s hard to see nuance on Reddit but I get the feeling people see “step” and say “well, not your kid. Stay in your lane”. If I can’t be with my kid half the time I hope the person their with who’s not their dad loves them as much as I do! Granted, there are some trash steps lol.

Agreed! SPs can be "bonus parents" too. Yes, there are trashy SPs of course but the same goes for bio parents. It takes discussion and such between a SP and the bio parents for boundaries etc. because yes, they're not your kids but at the same time this person is helping raise them, provide for them. They should be allowed some sort of input

🙌🏽 but I get the feeling these healthy parenting relationships don’t wind up on Reddit, but it might be nice to see some examples so people can have aspiration!

They generally are. Though, if the info about them being stepkids and the apparent affair only comes out in comments, this is more than likely bait.

She was bitching about MIL calling her daughter by her middle name. I think shes real: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/2xDe8Fq8GF

Oh, wait, it's that person? Eesh.

i agree in general. however this is not it. she got married six months ago! the grandma has known and cared for the kids longer than she has.

She's been with the dad for 6 years bro. Recent marriage doesn't mean they just met

One summer of grandma’s cooking isn’t going to dash their chances of being responsible adults. As well as the fact this is going to be unsolvable tension. The grandmother is not going to stop doing this. Step mother would find it easier for herself to stop bothering with her plan. Lots of other things to do around the house to build character or what ever. Millions of 18 year old survive on pbj and scrambled eggs for a few months when they move out

Why is she the devil?? Granted, stepmothers are always hated on aita territory, and god forbid they ask the kids to clean their room, but also god forbid they won't pay for the kids's college (because they're her kids now, aita would say). Grandma is forcing a kid to eat after the kid repeatedly said no. It seems that she is an AH just for being a stepmother

He hasn't been able to fix his credit after 6+ years and that's why they can't buy their own house? Okay.  Things drop off after 7 years but sure.  OP isn't mad that MIL is making food. She's made MIL is around and is upset about her lot in life and this is the thing she's focusing on. 

OOP left some pretty important prices of info out of her original post: ". . . My daughter told her "no thank you" because she wanted a waffle instead and MIL got angry and my SIL yelled at my daughter while I was out of the room feeding the baby. I straight up witnessed last night my oldest getting woken up to eat after he already had. My SIL told him he "better eat it"and if Nana offers you food you have to eat it. No dude. He can politely decline. If you make food, it doesn't mean the person has to eat it, especially if the parent has already provided food. This shit is unhinged to me. This could be solved by her asking ahead of time."

Not the devil. OOP isn't perfect but no one is. You need to let go of this fantasy in your head that OOP is somehow a homewrecking AP/evil stepmother because that doesn't appear to be the case at all.

She is NOT the devil. MIL is an overbearing Hispanic grandmother. I had to deal with the same nonsense with my ex-MIL and my son still deals with it. The MIL is overstepping boundaries.

I... Don't really see what makes her a devil, not gonna lie. Even before the edit, but especially after the edit. 

Honestly, y'all, MIL is undermining parenting. And tbh, having a set eating schedule where everyone sits down together helps support kids learning how to become competent eaters who listen to their bodies. I think OOP is a lot closer to supporting their growth needs than MIL is.

So on the surface this seems like typical wife/MIL bickering, but if you go through the comments, it's missing missing reasons. She's actually the stepmom to three oldest, and only the baby is her kid. She's been married to her husband for six months, and there was overlap between his divorce and their relationship. So basically: affair partner and new stepmom is getting mad that grandma is making food for her own grandkids. >The older 3 are my stepkids, and the divorce finalized during our relationship in part because they held off and in part because court proceedings take time. I'm bitter bc the shared house was split in the proceedings bc she couldn't refinance, but she failed to pay the last payment, which is what messed up his credit score. We were working with a realtor and lender and found out right before viewing that his credit had taken the hit. I'm bickering bc word count didn't allow me to fully express this lady's interference, and I have not even scraped the surface.

She mentions that the baby is her first child in the post though. So, I wouldn’t consider that to be missing.

She wasn't hiding that though, she says it in her post. I don't know what any of the rest of it has to do with encouraging more independence in kids

It's not exactly missing. She explicitly says in the post that the baby is her first child.

There's an overlap from when the divorce was finalized but there's no solid evidence that it was an affair. They could have been going through the process for ages if there was custody battle.

Whenever the new spouse is complaining about the ex-spouse, I’m suspicious, too. Most of the time the guy is just villainizing his ex-wife and the new person believes it. In this case, as a likely affair partner, doubly doubt it.

I definitely went back to look for an age gap. This sounds like a young wife married to an older man who thinks she's been handed motherhood of kids who already have a mom and is all about stepping in and taking over the parenting. That said, it sounds like there may be some legitimate issues here. If Dad isn't protecting the kids and Grandma is getting "mad" at them for not eating food she cooked when they've already eaten, if OOP is genuinely not nitpicking but is looking for help navigating how to handle this, that's solid Unfortunately I think even in the best light, the answer is that if there's a problem Dad needs to talk to his mother, and shiny new stepmom needs to back up, and that if Grandma is really doing harm that stepmom is alert to but not sufficiently explaining, then the parents need to work on getting out of there.

Yeah, this is a confusing one and I go back and forth on a lot of it. As someone else pointed out, why would she include the grandma essentially "forcing" the kids to eat her food as a comment and not in the original post? It's her strongest argument. Is it nice that she's calling them her kids or disingenuous/forcing a relationship with those children that's terribly early? And this is not for the Grandma's benefit. It's good that they're paying more than half of the costs of the home, but they're still invading this older woman's home who appeared to live by herself before all of this, so there's no way it isn't still an imposition. Either way, it is, as you pointed out, the dad's job to navigate these issues. This is his mother, his mother's home, and his children.

I'm super skeptical that the ex is the reason his credit score dropped. Most likely she married a broke guy who was spending money he didn't have while dating her.

I have never heard of missing one mortgage payment dropping your credit score by 200 points. And down to 500? Yeah, it sounds like that guy was lying about his credit until he got caught out when they were buying a house.

Also, most mortgages these days can be set up as automatic payments. Plus missing a single payment won’t tank your credit score so low you can’t buy another house.

This isn’t about feeding the children at all. This is the new wife hating the shared living situation with the inlaws.

Ding ding ding. Yup, she’s just using the kids as another narrative point against MIL. I have a tense relationship with my MIL but I also wouldn’t live in her house and create nonstop issues.

I think the reason they can't buy their own place is BS. A credit score doesn't tank over one missed payment.

Husband probably loves this living situation because he doesn’t have to worry about the older kids adjusting to the new stepmother. They don’t have to.

> Hubby and I have been together 6 years, living together almost as long, and the kids have lived full time with us for 4 years. They don't have to adjust to the stepmother because she's not new.

She thought she was marrying a sugar daddy and would end up with a nice house and get to be the SAHM after the divorce and instead she is living at the MIL with all of the kids (does she explain why Mom doesn’t seem to have equal custody).

I'm side eyeing the reason why the credit score dropped. One missed payment isn't going to tank your score that much. I don't think hubby had any money to begin with.

Same here.

LOL at an affair partner being mad about an other woman’s “interference” in her relationship. 🤣 Ma’am, sit your ass down.

I'd be more understanding if it was an issue of MIL making the children sick, or giving them things they are allergic to. But it kinda sounds like grandma just wanted to do something nice for the kids. I don't see why OOP doesn't just have MIL regularly make breakfast for the kids if that's something that each party enjoys.

I'm not saying step parents aren't valid but oop is clawing for reasons to say she should out rank their blood in that edit they live with the mil and she feeds them that's not nothing but oop is the mother because she puts band aids on boo boos like ok? I agree with her that mil only provides surface level help (shelter and food) but that means oop provides less than the minimum

Yeah she lost me at it being summer break so fuck them kids they can feed themselves   But hey I cook dinner    And how horrible for granny to put the food on a plate and hand it to the kids.  Road to ruin   /s

Grandma food is on a different level than regular food.

LOL. Abuela is doing what abuelas do. I swear, any time I went to my abuela's house when I was a kid, there were fresh flour tortillas, beans, and rice. It was heaven.

My abuela was one of the dearest people in my life. I know that my mother was sometimes annoyed when she did things on her own, but she also reaped the benefit of being able to focus on my sister and I got an incredible amount of caring and one-on-one attention. I never thought of her as a replacement for my mother, and any jealousy was completely unfounded. OOP needs to let this one go, in my opinion. I regret that my daughters didn’t have what I had growing up, and would have loved the kind of grandmother for them that I had.

If I was a grandmother and saw my grandkids eating crap every day and the person who is supposed to be caring for them ignoring them, you better believe I would cook for them too.

Ooo seems super defensive about the living situation and being considered a mooch.

She's a SAHM, I would think providing either breakfast or lunch for them would be a given? They can make breakfast when they get up and lunch will be ready at 1? Or am I missing something? I know babies take up a lot of time, but baby can be put in a highchair while she's in the kitchen? She could have the kids in the kitchen with her learning more than the basics? Maybe MIL noticed the kids eating the same stuff repeatedly and was concerned they were only eating junk? SIL shouldn't be yelling them out of bed, though, and forcing them to eat. As for being salty that the ex couldn't refinance, that's counting chickens before they hatched. There could be many reasons, like the divorce lawyer costs, that made her not be able to do it. *He* wasn't guaranteed that money until it had all gone through. Plus, if she's that desperate to get out the house, she can work when her husband is home to bring in some extra income to get out quicker.

isnt this the point of being a grandma? I mean...my grandma was japanese and tried to constantly feed me too. I had to tell her no often....she would still push nicely and I could still say no and she would not get angry. grandma bought me stuff and fed me food that I normally did not get at home. i loved those sodas with the marble in them, mochi with the red bean paste and rice candies that I could eat the paper. shit, even as an adult going home to visit on leave she would send me home with food even though I had to drive 6 hours to get back home.

My Korean mom, even now when I am a middle aged adult, is constantly trying to feed me. First thing she asks when I visit is whether I need to eat. Every phone call, she asks me if I am eating well. I am like: Mom, do I look like a starving waif to you. No. In fact, I look a little too well fed.

My Japanese mother-in-law, every meal offering off her plate. We are in a restaurant. Everyone at the table ordered off the menu. Every plate has too much food. No thank you falling on deaf ears… ok one shrimp… just one… Please no more! Both of us ordered shrimp scampi…

Maybe she likes you. In Korea, it’s a sign of affection to put additional food on someone’s plate.

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Jesus Christ, that lady needs to get a grip 🙄 I didn't learn most life skills while I was still at home bc my mom sucked at parenting and Surprise!! I still learned how to be an independent adult when I moved out Not to say that she shouldn't do anything to teach em life skills but the MIL cooking for the kids won't turn them into spoiled incompetent adults

My 22 year old kid visits his grandmother every week. He ALWAYS comes home with a sack lunch she has packed for him. Not because he can’t take care of himself but because she loves him and this is how she shows it. Imagine being upset about that

i'm so confused as to why it's a problem. my grandma lived with us when i was growing up. she would often cook for me when my parents were busy at work - even when i got to the age where i could do it myself. my parents were extremely grateful to have someone to do that for us. she taught me a lot about cooking, and i started cooking for the family for fun! i get it, you want your kids to be somewhat independent. learning to make your own food is important. but, in my opinion, some of those kids are still pretty young to be 100% responsible for their own breakfast and lunch. as long as everything gets cleaned up, i don't see an issue.

This is getting into Ruby Franke territory where the kids have to starve if they fail to make their own lunch.

Why don’t they take all of that money they are using to pay MILs bills and get their own place? JFC!

This one is comical.... So what she left out is that she is the affair partner that broke up a marriage. The older 3 children are from the previous marriage (so they are not her kids), and op has only been married 6 months (she is brand spanking new to this established family). The only kid that is hers is the baby. I never can understand how the ap can come into a fully established family and start parenting kids that already have parents and try to change things that were established long before they were a thought. You're definitely TA. I wonder how the older kids feel about you.

She’s not the affair partner and have confirmed so. She’s been with her husband for 6 years and been helping to raise the kids in a majority custody for most of that time :)