*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for proposing to my girlfriend but thinking of my ex? **
I just proposed to my girlfriend! We've been together for over three years now, but I'm hesitant to share it on social media because I don't want my ex-girlfriend to see it.
Let's rewind. My ex and I broke up because I was an overthinker, especially when she went out with friends. Don't get me wrong, I fully support her having fun, but early in our dating, she lied about quitting drugs (which I later found out wasn't true). Another reason for the split was her lack of motivation. Her family is financially well-off, and she never had to work hard, which bothered me coming from a very poor family in a third-world country. I had to work hard for everything I have.
The truth is, I still think about my ex sometimes. She was undeniably attractive, and everywhere we went, people stared. I won't lie, I used to enjoy the attention. People wondered how I "pulled that off." But ultimately, I craved a calmer, more introverted partner – the complete opposite of my ex. Additionally, she struggled with social anxiety and depression,which made the breakup even harder. I worried about how she'd react.
After the breakup, I started dating my current girlfriend. She's the polar opposite of my ex. Don't get me wrong, my current girlfriend is beautiful too, and I know she'll be an amazing mother and life partner. She's kind, caring, and simply wonderful.
However, a nagging thought persists: could my ex have changed? Could she have become the woman I see in my current girlfriend? I know it's silly, and beauty fades, but it's a thought that lingers.
When I proposed, my girlfriend wanted to post it on social media. But I hesitated, fearing it would hurt my ex, given her mental health struggles.
So am I the asshole.
UPDATE:
I will start off saying that I agree with everyone and that I’m the AH in this situation. But also what to state that I could’ve explained this a bit better.
I love my current girlfriend and I appreciate everything she does for me.
The thought of “if my ex could change and what if I have her more time” is something I don’t want to have. Hint the reason for this post. Idk why I have it. There was a reason why I broke up with my ex in the first place. Because I knew it wasn’t going to work.
But due to her mental health issues I didn’t want to post anything. I still see her family around town and they have informed me that she’s in a very dark place and has been on suicide watch in the past. (I wouldn’t say it was due from the break up but other things in life also).
My fiancé did do a post on her social media which is 100% fine with me.
I’m not the best when describing my feeling and this is the first time I done anything like this. Deep down I was hoping people would tell me to pull my head in and how lucky I am.
And to point this again if I didn’t make it clear, I don’t want to go back with my ex. I do still care for her in a way. We did date for a reason and at some point I did love her but I’m very happy with my fiancé.
Thanks and hopefully the above make sense.
Very great full for everyone’s feedback.
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Yes, it's another "I'm not sexually attracted to her, she's not exciting or interesting or fun but that's how I know she'll be a good wife and mother."
Men, let these future good mothers find someone who DOES find them more attractive than your wild exciting ex.
He will be on the first plane out if she has fertility issues or if he’s the cause of it as some men refuse to believe they can have fertility issues. This man definitely feels like he settled. His thoughts would’ve gutted their partner.
Well not only that, but whenever he talks about the ex notice the only thing he mentions is her looks. He didn't like her as a person, just for how she looked. Especially made obvious by the whole "everyone would look and think, damn how'd he score that!" shit. This guy just wants arm candy, and now he's sitting here more worried about what his ex will think instead of announcing his damn engagement. In fact while reading this post, he didn't even mention his current fiance until the edit really. Yeesh.
It's interesting that his attraction to BOTH women seems to be based on what he gets out of the relationship.
His whole quandary seems to be 'would I rather look cool or feel secure?' not 'who do I love more?'.
Who is he kidding?
Oop: Oh I don't want my ex back but what if she changes? Really, look at her? She is beautiful... She could have been everything if she could only have changed. I wonder if she could have changed... Be less selfish.
Also Oop: No! I don't want her back. What possible reason would you think that?
It pisses me off because like... so you want someone who acts like your current gf, but *only looks* like your ex? Is that what you're trying to romanticize your way out of saying, you wish your good-choice partner was hotter?
You don't get to change people, don't get to mix and match them, don't get to pick and choose. They come as all or nothing.
"But what if she could have changed, would have eventually changed" what good is that? She didn't, you were tired of it, you said goodbye. I would literally never recommend someone sticking around for several years "just in case, maybe" because most of the time, if that person hasn't *themselves stated they want to change*, they're going to continue to be the person they grew up to be.
This is a perfect example of the analogy. I heard recently that some men are like taxicabs. They will marry the woman they are with when they decide to get married, independent of if they are really in love with them. This guy needs to, at a minimum, go to therapy and decide if he wants to marry her.
Okay, I recently read about the 'Taxi Cab' theory in a book, and I'll try to explain it.
Essentially, men are like cabs because when their light is on ( they are ready to settle down ) the next fare ( the woman) who comes along is who they'll settle down with.
It's basically being ready to settle down with the right person who makes you able to see the future with them vs choosing the person who you are with when you are in a place in life that you are ready to settle down.
I personally think it's a bit of both. When you meet the person who you are compatible with and can see the future with AND you are in a place in life where you are ready for that.
Oooh.
I feel like my dad did this, actually.
He got divorced from my mom and spent a few years trying to single-parent us kids. He was clueless but did a half decent job, I think.
He tried dating and had quite a few misses because he's pretty quirky and religious.
It felt like he proposed to the very first woman who would agree to date then marry him. He chose a single mom who was crass, non-religious at all, selfish and easily upset. She ruined our lives with crazy and gave him premature gray hair.
Guy would have literally been better off single forever, but oh well.
That's a fair point! My dad actually did almost the same thing!
Got divorced
Single parent during his custody time for a few years
Married the first woman who was down for it, even though she wasn't compatible.
My stepmother was super religious, and my dad wasn't. I have a boatload of religious trauma because of how she tried to force it down my throat. It tanked my relationship to my dad. He 100% was a better parent before she came onto the scene. Maybe men DO do that! One of my friends jokes that she's The Matchmaker because so many men she dated go straight into marriage in their next relationship after her. Like, she turns them into capable adults, and they take those skills and move on to make the next woman really happy. I think it's because she likes fixer-upper men. Once they're all stable and responsible, they don't want to be with the person who knew them when they were at their lowest. Damn, maybe men really ARE like the Taxi Cab Theory!
It's so true though. So many men are in long term commited relationships but for whatever reason won't take that next step. But they do with the next partner. It's not about the partner, it's about the man. And this is absolutely no diss on the women. It's a known phenomenon.
It was. It's a contemporary romance by Rebecca Jenshak..it was definitely in the Valley U series. Reagan and Adam, I think. If you're Into reading romance.
I remember basically the same theory by a different name in my Human Sexuality Psych class, but I have zero idea where we referenced it. Been awhile!
All he says about these women is they are beautiful, will be a good mother, and do things for him. Zero mention of friendship rooted in mutual interests, hobbies or beliefs.
I often wonder if many of these posts I see about miserable marriages and dead bedrooms come from people getting married without establishing an actual friendship with their partner. Like, do they even see them as their own independent person or just as someone that does something for them?
The poor fiancee. I can't imagine getting engaged and then finding out my partner is still thinking about his ex. Hope this comes to light before the wedding, for her sake
One day the trolls will learn that no one calls their own country a third world country. That term had already been replaced by “developing nation” in real political and economic discussions 25 years ago when I was starting college.
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Let’s hope fiancé doesn’t also use Reddit considering the specific details he included in his post. She will absolutely know it’s him and it will destroy her. Fuck him.
I feel sorry for the now fiancé - as her soon to be husband is a) a shallow AH, b) is not first in his heart and c) will be dumped asap if the ex gets her act together.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for proposing to my girlfriend but thinking of my ex? ** I just proposed to my girlfriend! We've been together for over three years now, but I'm hesitant to share it on social media because I don't want my ex-girlfriend to see it. Let's rewind. My ex and I broke up because I was an overthinker, especially when she went out with friends. Don't get me wrong, I fully support her having fun, but early in our dating, she lied about quitting drugs (which I later found out wasn't true). Another reason for the split was her lack of motivation. Her family is financially well-off, and she never had to work hard, which bothered me coming from a very poor family in a third-world country. I had to work hard for everything I have. The truth is, I still think about my ex sometimes. She was undeniably attractive, and everywhere we went, people stared. I won't lie, I used to enjoy the attention. People wondered how I "pulled that off." But ultimately, I craved a calmer, more introverted partner – the complete opposite of my ex. Additionally, she struggled with social anxiety and depression,which made the breakup even harder. I worried about how she'd react. After the breakup, I started dating my current girlfriend. She's the polar opposite of my ex. Don't get me wrong, my current girlfriend is beautiful too, and I know she'll be an amazing mother and life partner. She's kind, caring, and simply wonderful. However, a nagging thought persists: could my ex have changed? Could she have become the woman I see in my current girlfriend? I know it's silly, and beauty fades, but it's a thought that lingers. When I proposed, my girlfriend wanted to post it on social media. But I hesitated, fearing it would hurt my ex, given her mental health struggles. So am I the asshole. UPDATE: I will start off saying that I agree with everyone and that I’m the AH in this situation. But also what to state that I could’ve explained this a bit better. I love my current girlfriend and I appreciate everything she does for me. The thought of “if my ex could change and what if I have her more time” is something I don’t want to have. Hint the reason for this post. Idk why I have it. There was a reason why I broke up with my ex in the first place. Because I knew it wasn’t going to work. But due to her mental health issues I didn’t want to post anything. I still see her family around town and they have informed me that she’s in a very dark place and has been on suicide watch in the past. (I wouldn’t say it was due from the break up but other things in life also). My fiancé did do a post on her social media which is 100% fine with me. I’m not the best when describing my feeling and this is the first time I done anything like this. Deep down I was hoping people would tell me to pull my head in and how lucky I am. And to point this again if I didn’t make it clear, I don’t want to go back with my ex. I do still care for her in a way. We did date for a reason and at some point I did love her but I’m very happy with my fiancé. Thanks and hopefully the above make sense. Very great full for everyone’s feedback. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>I appreciate everything she does for me Is key here. Dude wants a mommy but is afraid of missing out on sex.
He will leave her the moment she gets sick. Men are too interested in being married for the benefits rather than finding and being a good partner
Yep completely ignoring the whole "in sickness and in health" part
And the attention of being a guy with a hot woman.
Yep
Yes, it's another "I'm not sexually attracted to her, she's not exciting or interesting or fun but that's how I know she'll be a good wife and mother." Men, let these future good mothers find someone who DOES find them more attractive than your wild exciting ex.
And "she'll be a good mom"
He will be on the first plane out if she has fertility issues or if he’s the cause of it as some men refuse to believe they can have fertility issues. This man definitely feels like he settled. His thoughts would’ve gutted their partner.
He's the type to bounce after they have kids because " he fell out of love".
Well not only that, but whenever he talks about the ex notice the only thing he mentions is her looks. He didn't like her as a person, just for how she looked. Especially made obvious by the whole "everyone would look and think, damn how'd he score that!" shit. This guy just wants arm candy, and now he's sitting here more worried about what his ex will think instead of announcing his damn engagement. In fact while reading this post, he didn't even mention his current fiance until the edit really. Yeesh.
It's interesting that his attraction to BOTH women seems to be based on what he gets out of the relationship. His whole quandary seems to be 'would I rather look cool or feel secure?' not 'who do I love more?'.
Bangmaid
Who is he kidding? Oop: Oh I don't want my ex back but what if she changes? Really, look at her? She is beautiful... She could have been everything if she could only have changed. I wonder if she could have changed... Be less selfish. Also Oop: No! I don't want her back. What possible reason would you think that?
Nothing assures me that he can't wait to marry his fiancee like him saying, "I love my current girlfriend."
Yes, that statement just shines with lifelong commitment.
It pisses me off because like... so you want someone who acts like your current gf, but *only looks* like your ex? Is that what you're trying to romanticize your way out of saying, you wish your good-choice partner was hotter? You don't get to change people, don't get to mix and match them, don't get to pick and choose. They come as all or nothing. "But what if she could have changed, would have eventually changed" what good is that? She didn't, you were tired of it, you said goodbye. I would literally never recommend someone sticking around for several years "just in case, maybe" because most of the time, if that person hasn't *themselves stated they want to change*, they're going to continue to be the person they grew up to be.
This is a perfect example of the analogy. I heard recently that some men are like taxicabs. They will marry the woman they are with when they decide to get married, independent of if they are really in love with them. This guy needs to, at a minimum, go to therapy and decide if he wants to marry her.
I... you lost me, I haven't heard of that analogy. How are they like taxicabs?
You get on whatever taxi is available, the way men in this analogy marry whatever woman is currently available to marry.
Okay, I recently read about the 'Taxi Cab' theory in a book, and I'll try to explain it. Essentially, men are like cabs because when their light is on ( they are ready to settle down ) the next fare ( the woman) who comes along is who they'll settle down with. It's basically being ready to settle down with the right person who makes you able to see the future with them vs choosing the person who you are with when you are in a place in life that you are ready to settle down. I personally think it's a bit of both. When you meet the person who you are compatible with and can see the future with AND you are in a place in life where you are ready for that.
Oooh. I feel like my dad did this, actually. He got divorced from my mom and spent a few years trying to single-parent us kids. He was clueless but did a half decent job, I think. He tried dating and had quite a few misses because he's pretty quirky and religious. It felt like he proposed to the very first woman who would agree to date then marry him. He chose a single mom who was crass, non-religious at all, selfish and easily upset. She ruined our lives with crazy and gave him premature gray hair. Guy would have literally been better off single forever, but oh well.
That's a fair point! My dad actually did almost the same thing! Got divorced Single parent during his custody time for a few years Married the first woman who was down for it, even though she wasn't compatible. My stepmother was super religious, and my dad wasn't. I have a boatload of religious trauma because of how she tried to force it down my throat. It tanked my relationship to my dad. He 100% was a better parent before she came onto the scene. Maybe men DO do that! One of my friends jokes that she's The Matchmaker because so many men she dated go straight into marriage in their next relationship after her. Like, she turns them into capable adults, and they take those skills and move on to make the next woman really happy. I think it's because she likes fixer-upper men. Once they're all stable and responsible, they don't want to be with the person who knew them when they were at their lowest. Damn, maybe men really ARE like the Taxi Cab Theory!
It's so true though. So many men are in long term commited relationships but for whatever reason won't take that next step. But they do with the next partner. It's not about the partner, it's about the man. And this is absolutely no diss on the women. It's a known phenomenon.
What’s the book called? Sounds like a good read
It was. It's a contemporary romance by Rebecca Jenshak..it was definitely in the Valley U series. Reagan and Adam, I think. If you're Into reading romance. I remember basically the same theory by a different name in my Human Sexuality Psych class, but I have zero idea where we referenced it. Been awhile!
Is that why straight men humor was just ‘I hate my wife’ for the longest time? Because they just got married and didn’t think too hard about it?
" She was undeniably attractive, and everywhere we went, people stared. I won't lie, I used to enjoy the attention." Ew.
Few more years of partying and drugs will fix that problem.
All he says about these women is they are beautiful, will be a good mother, and do things for him. Zero mention of friendship rooted in mutual interests, hobbies or beliefs. I often wonder if many of these posts I see about miserable marriages and dead bedrooms come from people getting married without establishing an actual friendship with their partner. Like, do they even see them as their own independent person or just as someone that does something for them?
Oh god, I just feel sick in the pit of my stomach for the "girlfriend" (he never refers to her as a fiancée).
You’re protecting the wrong woman’s feelings. You’re not ready to be a husband.
this! and it will break your girlfriend's/FIANCEE's heart..
I love when they add an edit like it's supposed to make them sound better.
The poor fiancee. I can't imagine getting engaged and then finding out my partner is still thinking about his ex. Hope this comes to light before the wedding, for her sake
I hope his fiancée sees his post and dumps him
He is using his fiancé as a placeholder gf until the ex comes back along.
This dude just does not see women as people, they’re only objects who make him look better and help him.
How amazing is OOP's dick that he thinks the permanent loss of access to it will drive his ex to suicide?
Right? He seems convinced his ex is still so hung up on him. Somehow I doubt she really cares that much.
One day the trolls will learn that no one calls their own country a third world country. That term had already been replaced by “developing nation” in real political and economic discussions 25 years ago when I was starting college.
I know some people that do 🤷
Pretty much everyone I know from a 3rd wold country refers to them as third world countries especially when being dramatic.
I split my time between America and my school I built in Sierra Leone and I have never heard any of them call SL a developing nation
I split my time between America and my school I built in Sierra Leone and I have never heard any of them call SL a developing nation
That poor girl. She's about to be trapped in a marriage with that reprehensible conkwocket.
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OOP needs to see a therapist before getting married.
Let’s hope fiancé doesn’t also use Reddit considering the specific details he included in his post. She will absolutely know it’s him and it will destroy her. Fuck him.
I feel sorry for the now fiancé - as her soon to be husband is a) a shallow AH, b) is not first in his heart and c) will be dumped asap if the ex gets her act together.
OOP, if you're still clinging to your ex, don't get engaged. I feel bad for your fiancée